#and I'm tired of feeling wrong because it's already so difficult in real life

[myteavsricochet]

basically this is the only place where I can really be myself without any fear and where I am understood like nowhere else so I feel like saying something out loud today.

happy bi visibility day... to me ❤️‍🩹

[jweekgoji]

Hello! Can I request a nsfw cogged Orion pax x cog less femme reader ? I was thinking after he came back from the surface to his miner friends.

Cogged!Orion/Cogless!Femme!Reader [TFO]

tw: size difference, valveplug (MDNI), soft and inexperienced!Orion, sub-ish!Orion at the start, first time, awkward intimacy, size kink. word count: ~1800 a/n: uni work makes me a little more busy now, but i hope i am not making you wait for too long. i tried to read it a few times and check for mistakes, but i'm eepy so...

Orion likes to touch. The way he gently places his servo on one of his friend's shoulders or lightly taps their frame to get the attention, it's how he used to show his care towards someone, to bring comfort. Growing up and being surrounded by many bots, some so friendly or not, it was natural for him to become the most tactile bot you ever met.

With you, it is only worse. The young troublemaker just can't stand a minute without having his servo around you, because that's how he is, so clingy and needy of the same affection and closeness with you.

You can't remember at least a one day when he wouldn't approach you with a surprise hug from behind, often pulling you closer to his chassis during a short breaks from working in mines. Even though every day he was risking his own life for the better of Iacon, sometimes even smacked by your supervisors, he never lost this innocent smile on his face. What more does he need in his life when he has you next to him?

Orion is the real definition of the sunshine person, the natural-born leader, always everywhere at once, seeking for more trouble the second you look away from him.

When he is so close, servos around your waist, his chassis against your own, you find it difficult to stare for too long into those big, bright blue optics of his, you feel your own one straining as if you had been looking for too long at the Sun.

Now the same intimacy between the two of you feels different, somehow, the touch is as gentle as before, but the usual brightness of his optics is not the same. Orion himself now looks different.

Stronger, taller, mature...tired?

A lot had happened in that short time he had on the surface of your home planet, so you never press on him to tell you more about than he wants. Right now, he wants to cling to the bits of comfort you can provide. How much he wants to hug you tighter, just to express that suppressed desire for warmth and solace.

Orion's hold around your waist tightens just a little more before he slowly relaxes. He notices how his servo is large enough to wrap around your entire waist now.

He knows you're strong, no matter the difference in size or lacking the cog, it doesn't make you any less strong than him. If anything,  the position you are in makes him more vulnerable than you ever have been. It's almost cute how quickly he pulls his servos from you after holding you a little tighter than he intended to, already looking all awkward and guilty, like a kicked puppy.

“Sorry, didn't uh...” he pauses for a moment, his optics shyly flickering to one side and to the other, then going back to your face. “...didn't mean to do that.”

How can he be so afraid to touch you now? As if you were made of a fragile glass? You couldn't help but huff, placing your servos on his face, your thumbs gently moving over the smooth metal of his helm. That tiny little «ears» he had now much longer, as you note silently in your mind, and that almost makes you want to gently tug at them.

Orion leans into your touch, closing his optics and relaxing, as he lets you caress him. In a position like this, when you straddle his thigh, he has nothing against letting you do whatever you want with him. Makes it easier to focus on the feeling and relax, rather than the constant fear of doing something wrong.

You can feel Orion's servo carefully placed over your own, his digits circling over your wrist in an almost soothing manner.

If only someone could see you two right now, such a big bot like him, melting under the touch of the small no-cog? And you were the one, acting all gentle towards him? The thought makes him shiver in pleasure, just staying with you like this is enough to warm his spark.

You lean closer for a kiss, struggling to reach for his face, until he tilts his head down, meeting your lips. A quiet groan escapes from him once you press yourself closer. If you try to listen intently, you might hear how fast his spark is beating in his chamber right now.

His servos slide lower, moving over the sides of your frame, only to stop to rest on your thighs, digits gently squeezing the soft plating.

There's something in his mind wanting more of it—that just those innocent, butterfly like kisses and tight embraces aren't enough, his spark practically yearning for your body against his.

But he can't tell you this, can he? He doesn't want to sound too greedy, too pushing, you probably aren't ready for him...for this. He never wants to make you feel uncomfortable. Orion would rather let you do everything at your own pace, no matter how agonizingly slow your servos move over his frame right now. It seems like a silent torture once you start teasingly moving your index finger around the center of his chassis, where the empty slot for his t-cog once was.

Orion tilts his head back a little, servos visibly trembling, as if trying to ground himself from flipping you underneath him and finally having his way with you. The silent struggling doesn't go unnoticed by you. Even though it was obvious to both of you, how much he wants to continue and ask for more, but he refuses to beg for it. He feels too shy, too scared to ask it from you, stubbornly suffering in silence.

Luckily for Orion, you might be no less stubborn than him as you begin gently grinding against his thigh. Slowly, carefully at once, just to concentrate on his reaction to this. You were ready for him to tell you to stop or to pull away immediately, but your concerns disappeared as soon as you heard a soft, strangled moan.

“Don't stop,” he manages to say between heavy breaths, optics half-lidded as he looks at you.

It's almost like he was waiting for it for cycles, given how quickly he wraps his servos around your thighs, only to position you between his legs, your back now pressed against his chassis.

He knows you're small, with him being almost twice your size, there's no way you would be able to take his spike without hurting you. Just thinking of it, of accidentally making you hurt at the moment as special as this...—

“It's fine” you murmur softly in response, leaning back against him. "Let's start little by little at first."

Orion only nods silently, and you can almost spot a tiny blue tint on his cheeks the moment he finally opens up his interface panel for you. A mech his size, and here he is, nuzzling his face against the top of your head in weak attempts to hide his own shyness, and that could not but encourage you to continue.

You lower yourself a little, so your valve could gently grind against the tip of his spike, already glistening with droplets of transfluid. You wonder, how long has he been like this, trying to ignore his own needs when you were right beside him?

A thin line of lubricant spreads around your entrance, mixing with your own wetness, now making you shudder at the burning, hot feeling, seeping into your frame. It is so unfair, the way you are so, so close and at the same time, so far away from where he desperately wants you to be. It's too much to bear.

You are so tiny compared to him, he can't help but remind himself to always be careful with you. Not to hold you too tight, or maybe not to accidentally break you the moment he can finally push his spike deep into you. No, no, don't get too tempted with ideas, Pax!

Orion groans softly, breathing a hot air against the crook of your neck. You're barely doing anything, and somehow, it is just too much. You can feel his spike desperately twitching against your folds, as if silently begging you to take mercy on him. He grinds against your entrance once more, rubbing the tip until he lines up with your valve.

He carefully thrusts up into you, the tip of his spike slipping in and out, just a fraction. It takes all of his self-control not to give in to the urge to thrust up into you, to bury himself inside you till the hilt. Even then, he is grateful for everything you give him.

“So good, so good around me, sweetspark,” he praises, planting a soft kiss on your neck, muttering your name over and over again in sync with a slow roll of his hips.

Orion groans as you continue to meet his thrusts, moving your hips against his own. The thought of his sparkmate, so smaller than him and yet you're taking him so well. There’s no mistake, Primus himself blessed him with you, with how perfect you are for him, everything in you is flawless. There is no way you weren’t created and destined to be his.

He looks down at you, an obvious fascination and adoration in his optics once he meets your own. The sight of you, almost salivating from pleasure alone is enough to push him over the edge.

It feels much more intense for you than you could have imagined. Each slow, tender thrust makes you arch your back as he stretches your insides. You already struggle to take him like this, with not even a half of his size inside you, yet you're already a shaking and whining mess on top of him. So full.

You let out a soft mewl once Orion thrust into you again, and that was enough to suddenly bring you to overload. You pant softly, closing your optics for a moment to catch your breath. Poor, poor tiny thing, didn't even fully realize how close you were already with how good his spike felt inside you.

You feel him throb inside you again, and you tense up at the realization. He didn't reach his own release.

Orion notices your slightly panicked state when you gently try to sit up again, only to slump back against his chassis, too tired to move for now. Despite everything, he's happy. He's so, so lucky to have you right now. It's so adorable how you immediately think of his own pleasure, a second after your own overload.

“Don't worry about me,” he gently kisses the top of your helm, his servo soothingly rubbing your thigh. “It brings me more pleasure to watch you like this.”

[weneepie]

mixed feelings w/ bruce wayne rules | m.list

note. hiii i'm back (who knows for how long lmao) but i wanted to write a fake dating au with bruce so here we go! feel free to request, i'll try to do them as soon as possible <3

How difficult it was to be the official girlfriend of no one else than Bruce Wayne himself. It was even more since you weren’t his real girlfriend but only a cover for him to always have someone to bring during those never ending galas. It wasn’t an easy life ; people were always asking questions about your relationship, about an intimacy you didn’t share with him at all. 

Why would you be doing this? Because Bruce was paying you well. More than well actually, it was more than you could ever gain with a classic full-time job. There was no way you would let go of this opportunity just because you were tired of those fake asses everywhere. You were stronger than that, especially for so much money. 

So here you were, talking with some women at one of those parties where he always brought you to. You could sense the jealousy and tension in their tone as they spoke to you. After all, you were supposedly dating the heir of Gotham, the most powerful man in this sick city. You could understand their behavior in a way, you would have probably not be better than them. 

Until you heard a voice you couldn’t recognize. You had come to enough parties to know almost everyone by now, but this one? You couldn’t tell. When you turned around, your eyes laid on a charismatic man, with a charming smile. His blond soft locks were pushed back, giving him a clean look. Behind those blue eyes, you could feel a man that used to have his way with everyone ; you could recognize them so easily. 

“Milady,” he took your hand in his, bringing it closer to his lip so he could leave a gentle kiss on the back of it, against the dark glove that was covering your delicate hand. You were a bit surprised, because no one ever dared touching you like this before. You were here with Bruce Wayne after all, nobody wanted this man against them. 

“It’s an honor to be finally meeting the woman I have heard so much about.” His voice was smooth, too much for it to be without any second thought behind. But all you did was to smile gently at him, your soft gaze laying on his face. You had to be correct, polite ; it was the most important thing, as Bruce always said. 

“And you are?” You asked without a harsh tone, just wanting to know who the man in front of you was. You were curious, you had to admit it. You weren’t used to this kind of behavior at all. And this is how you ended up spending some time with this man, without your supposed boyfriend noticing anything. 

Until he did. And oh God, the man felt something ignite inside his veins. When his eyes laid on your figure, so close to this guy, all smiling and laughing like you rarely did with him, it didn’t feel right, not to him. You should be like this with him, not anyone else. 

You were about to say something when you felt a hand resting against your hip. It didn’t take you long to recognize his touch ; those hands could be to one man alone. You looked at the man with your softest smile, the one you had so much practiced. But he wasn't looking at you. Oh no. All his attention was fixed on the blondie in front of you. 

“Bruce Wayne! What a pleasure.” He offered his hand to Bruce, and you could feel his fingers slightly tensing around your hip. He shook the man’s hand, but it was pure politeness. He had an image to protect, but it was obvious that if it was only him, he would already have hit the guy right in the face for acting so casually with you. 

You didn’t have time to talk much more with the man, because your ‘boyfriend’ decided it was enough for the night, and that you should both be going by now. You were in his expensive car as he drove you back to your apartment. The mood was… awful. Something felt so off, and you couldn’t understand what. 

“What’s wrong with you?” You asked him, glancing at his figure in the driver’s seat. He frowned a little at his words, just enough for you to notice it. You sighed ; it was really feeling like talking to a child who doesn’t have the toy he wanted. “I did as you told me to, I tried to sympathize.” 

A bitter chuckle left his lips at his words, and this time it was your turn to frown. You didn’t like that, when he was acting like it was your fault when you clearly didn’t do anything wrong. “Speak already!” You snapped at him and he suddenly stopped the car, letting a light gasp leaving your lips. You looked back at him, eyes widened. 

“Are you mad?” You almost yelled at him, and this time he was looking right into your eyes. “You had fun with this stupid guy, uh? Was it so great?” Reality finally hit you. He was jealous. Bruce Wayne, the cold and indifferent heir of Gotham, was jealous of some random guy you spent the night with. You couldn’t believe it. 

“Seriously? What are you scared of, that he paid me enough to leave? I won't-” You couldn’t finish your sentence, as Bruce reached your face with his hand to hold your chin between his fingers. He was calm, too calm. “I don’t care about how he could pay you. It’s not about money.”

Not about money? With him? Something was clearly wrong. “It’s about you. You shouldn’t have eyes for anyone else other than me.” He let go of your chin, putting his hand back on the steering wheel, focusing on the road again. 

It was difficult to follow a man who had such mixed feelings, so tortured in his mind. You simply glanced at him, before you looked through the window, waiting for the car to finally arrive at your place. It was not like you could do anything about this anyway. 

Time would tell how things will turn out, but no one other than Bruce could change how it was.

thank you for reading!

[decompose1]

ok real quick because i'm going through (undisclosed) bottom surgery and currently have to do so much research and emails about it. so i did some more and slapped this together because i'm tired of the current perception of bottom surgeries!! it's all fearmongering!

common misconceptions about bottom surgery:

The options are "Limited"/if you get bottom surgery, you have to remove/lose your current genitals

WRONG! You can have vaginoplasty with phallus preservation, phalloplasty with vaginal preservation, or metoidioplasty with vaginal preservation. There are a lot of different options about graft locations and types of surgery for any of these surgeries. You can do research to find out your options. You will talk to your surgeon A LOT beforehand and discuss the best option for you. You have more options than you think.

You won't be able to orgasm/you won't feel sensation in your neogenitalia

WRONG! It is extremely rare for trans people who have undergone bottom surgery to be incapable of orgasm, regardless of the options you choose. Most trans people who have had vaginoplasty or phalloplasty are perfectly capable of feeling pleasure when those parts are touched. Anyone who tells you you will be unable to have a fulfilling sex life after surgery is spreading fearmongering myths*.

*I see some people spreading that a neophallus will not have sensation. This is misleading. Whether or not sexual nerves connect in the rest of the phallus is highly variable between patients (and some things like sexual therapies are thought to help), however, the nerves present in the buried clitoral tissue are still there and can still be stimulated in the base of the penis.

A vaginoplasty is just an open wound you're keeping open/dilation isn't natural!

WRONG! (And nobody calls vaginas wounds anymore!). Dilation is a very normal thing. Dilators were originally invented for cis women experiencing pain during sex, especially after other medical procedures. So it's pretty normal to have to use them. It's just a way to keep things healthy and pain-free, and those who have vaginoplasties only have to use them because the muscles there aren't trained the same way. That's all! There's nothing weird about it.

Phalloplasties just look like flesh tubes, there's no good options!

WRONG! Plastic surgery is a wonderful thing, and there are absolutely some very passing-looking phalloplasties out there, especially with the use of medical tattooing! Most of the pictures shared online to mock them are of stage one, before glansplasty, which is when the head is created. Phalloplasty is a multiple-stage surgery, it is not fair to judge them based on seeing an incomplete one. (Also, it's really rude to judge someone else's penis! You should already know that.)

Bottom surgery is only for binary trans people! Nonbinary people can't get it/there are no options for me!

WRONG! While it's completely and fully up to you what IS "for you", and perhaps bottom surgery just isn't it, it's untrue that nonbinary people can't have it, or lack options! There are options to have both genitals (any surgery w/ preservation). There are options to have none at all (nullification). There are options and modifications you can ask for that may be more comfortable for you, such as smaller penis size or a vagina with no depth. There ARE options, and while it can be extra difficult to find therapists and surgeons who work with nonbinary people (i'm dealing with this right now!), know that they ABSOLUTELY DO exist, and you are covered by WPATH guidelines.

anyways!!!! that's all. i see so much misinfo about bottom surgery it's unreal so here's my little info post.

[klauzar]

Translation before they add engsubs:

Hello, I'm JJ Patiphan Fueangfunuwat, playing Win. It's not just spells like regular "Win", there's also letters ทร์  at the end.

(Person behind the camera: How is it different from regular "Win"?)

It's more glamorous and cool... lol    

[Who is Win?]

Win is driven, reckless and genuinely decent person. He sticks to the truth. Not your average cop, but a good one. Excellent one. He stays true to himself, has his own ideology, not like a typical policeman.

If he is told not to do something, he will find a way to do it secretly. I can't tell you much more than that.

[How do you feel about getting this role?]

How do I feel? Awesome, amazing. Because I won't get the opportunity to be a cop in real life, that's for sure.

I imagined Win as a cool guy, with a beard and messy hair, since he's working as a field investigator. I think he's cool.

Win must be the oldest character in the story. Frankly, the director and P'Pond didn't know how it would turn out. The day I got the part, I posted a story with beard like that, and P'Pond liked it.

He said to teacher Ning: "Let Win have mustache for this role."

[How did you prepare yourself?]

In my opinion, acting mature is not the difficult part. But I needed practice at portraying a police officer. After getting the role, I went for a walk every evening, walking around with arched chest and straight back. Like a police officer would.

Trying to look sharp, cool and active. I don't know if you can see it in the series, when the character is standing still. But I did my homework.

I studied saluting gestures, police terminology and so on. In the script, when they talk about breaking in or arresting somebody, they don't talk normally. They use police lingo. "Entering the area, code 22. Once the target is found, follow the code 24 and detain them. " Cool stuff like that.

[What's the difference between JJ and Win?]

Win is reckless, incredible brave, has very clear principles.

However, he differs from me in one way. In the series, Tongkla is cheating with him. I can't relate, because I've never found myself in situation like that. It's the opposite of my experience.

Win is a good person who's sticking to his principles. He never did anything wrong. This is not a good situation for him, very unethical.

Finding the right emotion is difficult. In order to perform the scene, I have to know what it feels like. In the end, it all comes down to love.

[How do you feel about working with your seniors?]

I've only met Fuaiz. Well, apart from policemen. 5555

We (JJ & Fuaiz) are a good match. We already worked together, so we're close. We've played together, so it's easy, just with different characters.

There's one scene with P'Bas. He's a great actor. Yes, he nailed it.

[Challenges of this role?]

Action scenes: jumping, shooting, exiting from a windows, driving, dodging, escaping the vehicle, doing backflips. I was bruised all over.

Wore protective gear and still got hurt. I don't understand how. Maybe I did a jump the wrong way. That's the real action. Cool but exhausting, to the point of wanting to throw up. I knew beforehand when there's gonna be backflips or other stuff. I didn't eat anything in order to avoid getting sick. I still felt nauseous, and couldn't even throw up.

I was wearing the gear under hot sun... It would burst if I flexed too much since it was so tight. Wireless also is tight-fitting. It's like ninja turtle shell, and on top of that police uniform, gun, handcuffs - it all weights, like, ten kilos.

I remember, during DFF shooting, stunt team taught me how to avoid punches and how not to hurt myself while doing tricks. I guess, I didn't follow their advice and got hurt.

I was tired, but what kept me motivated during that scene is santol with sweet fish sauce. Good stuff. I just want to share. I don't know. It was there and I wanted to eat it. It probably belonged to someone else, someone from the make-up crew, if I'm not mistaken. So I ate it, and the sour taste re-energized me. Santol with sweet fish sauce helped me to get through the scene.

Okay, please watch the 4minutes series on channel one31 and the sultrier version on Viu every friday at 23:15. *salutes awkwardly*

[kerubimcrepin]

Liveblog - Dofus, livre 1 : Julith [PART 21]

I've already said how weird this whole situation is from Joris's pov, but imagine dying, being given a new body with a way smaller brain and no speech yet, as well as no object permanence, and having to comprehend while in this condition, that your brother, who spent the last 50–80 years trying to hunt you down and make you into a coat, just saved your son from being blown up, and is now dying.

But you lack the brain capacity to understand any of that. Or remember any of that history.

You just know that he's hurt, badly, and that you don't like seeing him in pain.

Joris knows now, that for an ecaflip demigod, it's not that big of a deal to die. At least not the first time.

So it's really more of a "You sacrificed yourself for me?" question.

He's paying back his debt. He can't be mean to Joris, when all he's done is be nice to him, he's not that kind of person.

And when he wakes up again, things will be different, between him and Kerubim. Something new is going to happen.

To quote Dofus Aux Tresors de Kerubim: It will have a different taste. A different feel.

Kerubim's current lack of object permanence or the idea of death, is both a blessing and a curse, because he has no fucking idea what happened, or where Atcham went. Poor kbitty.

On one hand, this is inherently traumatic for Joris. He must be tired of watching ecaflip demigods evaporate.

On the other hand, I can't help but feel that this is the moment Joris and Atcham truly begin to love one another. So I can't even feel sad about this moment, like a normal person.

Chat, this is what I cal coping and perhaps even seething. Joris is inclined to think Bakara is wrong because Bakara fucked up Majorly at this part of the movie. Also because Joris has not slept the entire night. Also because he watched 2 people die. Also Simone is far away. Also what IS Simone to do with a dofus-related issue?

Julith would absolutely have hurt Lilotte. There is absolutely not a single doubt in my mind, that if it got her what she wanted, she would dismember Lilotte as Joris watched.

I don't blame him for making mistakes and fumbling, though. He's like 10.

If she really isn't that bad... If ALL she wants to do, is to bring Jahash back... If that's what it takes for her to leave Lilotte and Kerubim alone...

And among all else, if this brings the man she loves back? He doesn't mind, then.

(Puts on a giant, Dofus Aux Tresors de Kerubim themed tinfoil hat)

Joris is a difficult character to read due to his insane multitudes and affinity for lying to everyone and himself.

Due to his passion for wanting to learn about his birth parents, I think spending time with Julith and Jahash is like a dream to him.

But I can't miss the dimension in this interaction that Julith is a scary dark mage called "the butcher", who already killed his father once and then kidnapped his friend, and they are both standing near her, behind him, and she is holding what is essentially the magical equivalent of a nuclear bomb in her hands.

And the things he says to her may or may not be affected by like, idk, two or three of these factors? Like there might be a slight possibility that he said "I'm sure she wouldn't have hurt you" and "a real family" specifically to decrease the chances of her killing Kerubim and Lilotte. Not sure where I get this idea from, though.

This is literally the worst day in Kerubim's life as a father. There is literally no going back. Thank god his little kittybrain is going to forget all about this in roughly 3 minutes.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Isn't It Difficult Enough to Be Born Poor?

Once again, I must start this post out by saying...Fuck you @respectthepetty. You did this to me, I currently have eleven (11)...ELEVEN (this will be 12) long as all hell analysis posts about Moonlight Chicken and at least half of them are your fault. Because you started posting about colors and then I had to start thinking about my feelings when I watched television. And here we are. If you are worried about what your legacy will be as a role model. Don't be. Your legacy has been talking about colors so much you have converted half the interest in to color analysts. This one isn't about color though, I just needed to curse you out for creating an analysis demon.

All that said, let's get in to Jim and Li Ming this episode.

So, Li Ming has just had a very emotionally draining conversation with his mother, and he is trying desperately to leave the house and just go, go anywhere cause Heart's not home, when Jim comes waltzing in and accidentally blocking his exit. "Where are you going now?" and GOD LI MING DOES NOT HAVE FUCKING TIME FOR THIS.

The most exasperated face to date. But it's not really Jim's fault that Li Ming is acting like this, he's just a casualty of war. A safe vessel that will hold all Li Ming's emotions.

"Outside." "Where?" "Don't know yet," "What do you mean?"

Guess who's making eye contact again after a conversation with his mother where he very rarely looked in her direction????

Side note: I love this line "I haven't decided where I want to be yet," because it can be relevant to so many things and is a foundational theme of this episode, with no one acting on the choices they have before them until Gaipa's mother dies

"Then stay home and study," and here we go, another adult, telling him what to do, not being there for the conversation beforehand and having no idea they are plucking at an already frayed cord.

"I'm going to Heart's home," he tries to leave, Jim stops him.

Li Ming already knows exactly what Jim is implying here. But his mother is home, and he's already exhausted, and he just...he just wants to leave. But he's not afraid, he's calm, if annoyed.

He's happy to entertain the conversation, just not right now. Right now he is tired, and he just wants some time alone, some time with Heart.

Jim, once again, does not respect Li Ming's question, and forges ahead, because he needs to know, needs to confirm his fears.

Get, his ass Li Ming! To me, it helps so much prevent a fundamental breakdown in Li Ming and Jim's relationship here to have Li Ming know that Jim is gay as well. I think that knowledge, coupled with the exhaustion he is already feeling, just lets the rest of this conversation go over surprisingly smoothly.

"Li Ming, I'm your uncle," "Adults can do no wrong? Adults can kiss but kids can't? Is it the wrong thing to do? Is the world coming to an end?"

For Jim? The answer feels like a yes. Because Jim grew up in a very differently world than Li Ming has. He has internalized so much homophobia, not just from society but from his own sister, the person he had to rely on the most when he was young. A person whose opinions are very clearly shown to matter to Jim. Everything Jim has repeated so far in this show that is homophobic is a direct quote from his sister.

To Jim being gay has made life so much harder for him. Hell, he himself was a victim of the legal system, with Beam's family taking all the money he and Beam had saved, because gay marriage is not recognized so they could not open a joint bank account and everything was in Beam's name. This is a very real struggle, and a possibility Li Ming himself could face one day. A reality that Li Ming has no concept of because he's eighteen, and he hasn't lived his life yet, he hasn't faced society the same way Jim has...

But to Li Ming? Being gay isn't a big deal. Because Li Ming was raised by an openly queer man. Even if Jim is far more careful and restrained about showing physical affection or giving too much attention to Wen men in public, his friends all know. Leng teases him about it, Leng teases Gaipa about it. Jam knows about Jim. Beam's family knew. Wen literally walked in to Li Ming's room the night Wen and Jim had their "one night stand". Li Ming knows Jim is gay.

So while Jim and Beam were navigating being queer even just ten, twenty years ago with no one obviously queer elders around them to guide them, Li Ming has grown up around multiple queer seniors, one of whom is his uncle. Of course he has an entirely different perception of how significant it is to be gay. He had nothing but positive queer role models around him to guide him as he grew. Role models who were open. And I love the post from @respectthepetty and this post from @heart-ming that talk about the pressure Jim puts on himself, especially after he realizes that Li Ming is gay. All he can think about is every way that he has failed, when the fact that Li Ming is able to say so casually, so quietly, with a touch of disgust on his face: "So what? What's the big deal [that I'm gay]?" proves that he has succeeded at being a queer role model. Because Li Ming does not hate his queerness.

I love this shot once Li Ming leaves, because there is a moment of recognition. Oh shit, Jam is here.

Followed by Oh shit, I outed Li Ming to his (historically homophobic) Mom. Yet another thing for him to be able to blame himself for.

Something that I have really appreciated about the two Fourth and Gemini shows from this year, is that in both of them, the children are spared from their own parent's ignorance. Li Ming does not know he has been outed to his mother, and he will not hear her say the homophobic things. Jim is the one that will carry that weight. He is the one that will address her concerns, and tell her she is wrong. Li Ming does not need to experience that.

"Was it my fault I left my child in your care?"

YEAH JAM. GIVE HIM A BREAK, HE'S FUCKING RAISED YOUR CHILD FOR YOU.

And God this moment sucks so bad because you know that she is voicing his worst fear. He already blames himself, the sentiment Jam states, and Jim repeats "Li Ming might not have become gay if he didn't live with me," that is 100% what I knew Jim was thinking in this moment in Episode 6. "oh shit, Jam is gonna tell me that I rubbed off on him,"

And it's so interesting to me the way they placed the sequence of events in Episode 7, Jim talks to Jam and Jam asks if she can blame Jim for Li Ming being gay because he wasn't gay when he lived with Jam, and JIM IS IN THAT MOMENT ABLE TO BE LIKE "what if he was that before living with me?", "What's the point of placing blame? He does nothing wrong."

When confronted with ignorance, he is able to stand up against it, speak out about it, and confront his sister's biases. But when he goes to see Wen, he repeats the same thing she did "Li Ming might not have become gay if he didn't live with me,"

Also, best part of the talk between Jim and Jam was this moment:

Jim is finally starting to listen to his nephew's wishes. He will not make a decision as big as having Li Ming move back in with his mother. He understands that Li Ming needs to choose this. And, I will note that this is a conversation she has already asked Li Ming about, and she didn't get the answer she wanted so she has resorted to asking the family member Li Ming loves and trusts to get him to change his mind. And she holds the deed title over Jim's head about it, trying to give him the ultimatum that he can only get the deed if he helps her rob Li Ming of even more of his autonomy. And Jim finally says no. "Don't do this" he begs, and at the end of the episode he returns the deed to Jam.

Cut to soon-to-be-father Leng, talking about how expensive it is to have and raise a child. And this is something Li Ming is painfully aware of in his own right, he's held Jim's "I pay your tuition" statement right back over his head. Li Ming is aware that Jim is struggling to make ends meet, he's aware that they live in poverty.

"Don't have kids," Leng says, only partly joking, but with a smile on his face. And Li Ming has just come from a terrible conversation with his mother where he was faced with the thought of actually having to leave Jim to go back to a home he didn't used to be wanted in. "Did you ever consider abortion?" is a very answer-seeking question, it's intentional, and it's not about Leng, it's about Li "I didn't ask to be born" Ming. Leng is honest "I thought about it, but Praew's parents want a grandchild so I'm okay ot have this baby. But I can barely make it through the day, how am I supposed to raise a child?" and I think that is a wake up call for Li Ming in a way.

Jim is his parent. Jim is barely making it through the day. How is Jim supposed to raise Li Ming? No one knows, but he does it. And he does it cause he loves Li Ming.

To preface this, if Li Ming ends up going to America and doing the Work and Travel thing, I am completely fine with that, but I am on the Interpreter!Li Ming train so I at the very least want a seedling of doubt to be planted in Li Ming's mind. And I am choosing to believe it is this moment. Right after Li Ming is faced with the actual, very real potential threat of having to leave Pattaya, Heart, Jim, his community here, he asks Leng if he would still want to stay with his parents if they were alive. Leng says "Probably not. Everyone has their own life to live. And parents cannot be with us forever," (I see you P'Aof and P'Best, you evil evil motherfuckers)

This is Li Ming's face after Leng makes that comment. That boy is haunted and that boy is thinking. The wheels are turning. He is evaluating.

Cut to Wen and Jim. "What fight did you have with your nephew?" is literally the first question Wen asks when Jim shows up at his apartment. And I both love and hate that Wen so often has to act as the go-between. I mean from the sense that he is between the two generations and can be respected at both ends of it, it's great, and it's nice that we establish that Li Ming trusts, values, and listens to Wen, that Wen fits in this family. On the down side, I really wish Li Ming knew and could see how many times Jim has sought out council to better understand his son nephew.

Heart is Li Ming's safe zone when he feels misunderstood, Wen is Jim's.

Jim gets done denying everything his sister said, telling her she is wrong, that being gay does not work like that, that there is no one to blame, but he internalized that shit and immediately went to Wen to try to process his feelings.

"I can't help blaming myself for it. Li Ming might not have become gay if he didn't live with me."

"How come Saleng is straight? He's been with you for a long time as well. Trust me it has nothing to do with you."

We need this scene to explain Jim's behavior. To show the struggles he is having with his internalized homophobia. To how how deeply he loves and looks up to his family. That he catches and carries the shame, the guilt, the blame of his queerness when it's called in to question by his sister. But that he is able to recognize and shed that shame when Wen asks him very simple questions. Because he knows the answer to them, you can't catch queerness, Li Ming isn't gay because of Jim, in fact, Jim being queer was a protective factor in Li Ming's own relationship to his queerness.

"And what era are we in now?" Wen says "No one really looks for reasons why people are gay anymore."

That is the question of the hour for Jim isn't it? What era are we in now? Jim is stuck in the past. He is trapped under decades of struggle and strife, and the behavior he had to have to survive. He is shifting his paradigm, slowly but surely, and this is the question that Jim will need to answer for himself in order to better understand his nephew and in order to shed some of the weight he carries.

"What era are we in now?"

Not Jim's era. We're in an era of change.

Jim does not remove Wen's hand. We are in an era of change.

"You are gay, aren't you? Why can't you accept your nephew is gay?"

"I can accept that. I'm just worried about him,"

This is Jim's fundamental character trait in his relationship with Li Ming. He's just worried about him.

"You do know that it's not easy being gay in this country. I can't see how he is able to lead a good life."

We are in an era of change.

"If [Li Ming] wants to tell someone you will hear it before me, trust me," Jim says.

"Because you are strict,"

Li Ming has been telling him this from the beginning, but that's his child, and it's difficult to give up that need to protect him. We are in an era of change. It is time for Jim to accept that Li Ming is growing up, and he has to start seeing Li Ming as an adult if he wants Li Ming to trust him.

So it's time to listen:

"No,"

"Why?"

"I hadn't seen her in 5 or 6 years. Out of the blue she showed up and told me she loves me. Do you expect me to love her back just like that?"

"Can't you love her simply because she is your mother?" Jim certainly loves her just because she is his sister. Even though she's hurt him. Even though the blame he places on himself, the internalized homophobia, all of that comes from her.

"I know I owe her gratitude. But being a mother or father should not be an excuse for everything,"

Li Ming is smart in this way, he is showing Jim that he has opinions, he has justifications for his behavior, and they go against tradition, sure, but that has always been li Ming's thing. Why do powerful people have the right to hurt us? Why do I have to love someone who's hurt me?

"But I think your mother loves you too,"

"Love can't be forced, right? Just because she gave birth to me, must I love her back? If you ask me if I love you or not, I can answer that more easily,"

"I can easily say that I love you,"

Moonlight Chicken is a show about family, found or otherwise. Li Ming has shown his love for his uncle repeatedly in this show. In the way he steps up to take responsibility for the broken alcohol so Jim doesn't have to stress about money. In the way he listens to Jim and calms down when his emotions get too out of control. In the way he shows up for Jim's birthday party even though they fought. In the way he always looks Jim in the eye. But he hasn't said the words "I love you," to Jim, not since we've been following them at least.

Jim gives Li Ming a olive branch beer.

"Get a taste of being an adult," WE DID IT FOLKS! WE GOT THERE!!! JIM HAS FINALLY DONE IT, HE HAS FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT LI MING HAS BEEN ASKING FOR THE ENTIRE GODDAMN TIME!!!! *airhorn noises*

And because this is literally all Li Ming has been wanting, the apologies, the trust, the honesty, the willingness and need to explain, to help Jim better understand his actions follows quickly. And Jim reciprocates that gift with his own, "I wasn't mad at you for the cigarette, I was mad at myself for demonstrating that behavior,"

"What about Heart?" he teases "Have you tried him out already so you know you like him?" and it's not really an apology, but it doesn't have to be. Because I do think Li Ming understands where Jim was coming from, it's difficult to be gay. Uncle Jim is worried about him. But this, again, is Jim's way of showing Li Ming he is on board with their relationship. He is teasing him, and they are back to their regularly scheduled program after this.

God, Jim loves his nephew so much. And God, this is the happiest and most carefree that I have seen Li Ming be outside of when he's spending time with Heart.

[toilettransgenderism]

The BEST LINE in the whole of good omens season two (this is definitely an exaggeration because I can't remember the whole script and there were some absolute BANGERS, "we've been talking for billions of years" UGH and "was that a travel sweet" and "but it's pretty" OH MY LORD "she had balls" I'M IN LOVE) is when Crowley says to Aziraphale "if Gabriel and Beelzebub can do it, go off together, then we can."

There's so so much to say. The fact he specifies "go off together". This isn't really a love confession. He's asking Aziraphale to reject heaven. Begging him. They have loved each other for millennia. He doesn't seem to think that an angel and a demon can't be IN LOVE, he just thinks that they can't GO OFF TOGETHER. LEAVE HEAVEN AND HELL BEHIND. BUT GABRIEL AND BEELZEBUB HAVE SHOWN HIM THAT THEY CAN. And he seems to think, or know, that Aziraphale loves him too.

I think this is the line I related to most. It's an experience all queer people will know, feeling empowered by seeing others like ourselves. Realising that we are not broken or alone in loving who we do, or being who we are.

But it's an analogy. (Idk if analogy is the right word I'm tired)

Crowley and Aziraphale don't have to worry about being gay, because in their world it simply isn't a problem. And I think that's why so many queer people are drawn to Good Omens, not because there are two men in love, or because David Tennant is fit (although I guess this also factors in) but because of the absolute denial of the idea that queerness is inherently wrong.

Anyway, um. Crowley KNOWS Aziraphale loves him. He's not confessing, he's asking if they can "be an us", and leave heaven and hell behind. But, despite everything he has seen, Aziraphale still believes heaven is good. Or at least believes he can make it good. (Which is another INCREDIBLE parallel with the real life problems of christianity in particular catholicism and the culture of brainwashing and guilt that comes with it. Thanks Neil. Genuinely. You broke everyone's heart but you're making me discover things about myself.)

The confession is almost forcing Crowley and Aziraphale to love each other like humans do, with the potential for loss. It forces them to love in preparation for them leaving heaven and hell behind. I think that's why it's so difficult for Crowley to speak to Aziraphale, because their love has gone unspoken, and Crowley already thought they were an "us". Only now is he discovering that his Angel still believes in heaven. Aziraphale isn't naive. He is in denial and filled with guilt, you can SEE THAT IN EVERYTHING HE DOES.

Anyway yeah!!! No one will read this but I needed to get it out of my system. If it makes no sense that's fine it made sense to me for at least 5 minutes.

[moku-youbi]

Entitled AO3 Commenters

Fam, we really need to talk about the toxic behaviour that's going on in AO3 comments these days. I know there's a lot going around about how people just want to consume, consume, consume, and move onto the next thing, and most don't even bother to kudo or comment, which is pretty heartbreaking as it is.

But sometimes, I think the folks that *do* comment, but do so in a shitty, entitle way, are even worse. Because it's like wow, you put in the time and effort to make a comment, but you were an absolute douche about it. Now, in some of these cases, I wonder if it's just young people who are new to the world of ao3 and just don't know better. Maybe they honestly don't realise what's wrong with the things they've written. So let's look at a few examples of shitty comments, and talk about why they're shitty, and what could be done to make them more acceptable.

I'm giving people the benefit of the doubt here, even when it's difficult to do so. I'd like to believe that it's just a difference in age and how we've learned to communicate with strangers online. So please, if you're guilty of these things, instead of getting angry or hurt seeing this, just think about how to do better?

So a lot has been said about the "when are you going to update again/I'm desperate for an update/" or even the *shudder* "since you haven't updated in x, I'm going to put this through an AI engine to finish the fic!" comments:

Setting aside the fact that this fic is 44 chapters and over 180k words in length, and this person never left a single comment on it or any of my other fics to tell me they enjoy my work, and how shitty it feels to know your work was apparently loved and appreciated, but not enough to actually *say* that except to demand more of it, sooner... AND the fact that I have long notes on the fic and the series about why the parts are being written and posted in the order they are...

Let's talk about why these comments aren't helpful, and in fact can often have the opposite effect of what you're hoping. Authors are already likely feeling crummy about their writer's block or real life circumstances getting in the way of working on that WIP, and these comments compound the guilt we feel, which makes it even more difficult to work on. It can make us want to avoid even looking at/thinking about that WIP, no matter how well-meaning the comment.

Fic writers are real people with real lives. I only have a couple hours free time to myself everyday, and a lot of times I'm so tired I just want to do something that's mindless fun. Most nights, however, I forgo a movie or video game (IDEK the last time I played a game! and I love gaming!) or reading to work on my WIPs. Even so, these comments are a reminder that to the people reading, that's not enough. They will consume my story, not bother to thank me for it, then demand more.

Often times, you can leave the same comment going on about how much you love it, just delete the parts asking about updates and/or assuming the fic is abandoned, okay?

Next we have the 'did not bother to read the tags and/or author's note' commenters:

The problem with this comment is that this fic is tagged as "no archive warnings apply" which means there is no underage content. Furthermore, while his age isn't explicitly stated in the fic, I have made it clear he is an adult, in college within the text of the story. I have the following in my author's notes at the beginning of the fic: "Tom Holland is my Spider-Man, but I have aged him up here, as he's in college, so. Feel free to imagine whichever spidey floats your boat"

If I'm going to give this commenter the benefit of the doubt (something that is increasingly difficult to do with anti culture), then at best, they do not read tags, summaries, or notes, and expect to be able to ask an author prior to reading their works to answer a comment that is already addressed multiple times.

If you're honestly worried about being triggered, or reading content you don't want to read, then I suggest just straight up avoiding fics that aren't clear enough to you from the tags/summary/notes. If you've read all those and it seems ambiguous, just skip it. Or if the story still sounds good, then maybe just skim the beginning of the story, even. Context clues are your friends, my dudes. If the character is a college student, chances are good they're adults.

The 'lacks reading comprehension' commenters:

Is it wrong to ask questions of an author when you don't understand something? I actually think it's a great way of interacting with authors and can lead to better understanding and appreciation of the work. However, there are a few problems with *how* you ask a question.

First of all, the problem commenters have not previously left a comment of any kind, and don't bother to include any sort of positive feedback along with their question. They just rock up to your inbox demanding an answer to a question they have, that makes you realise they weren't even really paying attention to your work (or the source material for that matter.)

In this case, smartphones don't exist in the canon work, and only exist in my fic because the characters have suddenly been thrust into a different universe. Klaus doesn't understand smartphones because he grew up with them. He is able to quickly adapt to the new technology of the world, while others, like Viktor, are confused by it. This is all explained quite thoroughly in the text.

The 'doesn't know how to google' commenters, who might also be the 'disingenuous question' commenters:

Again, going to give this commenter the benefit of the doubt that they aren't just an asshole anti. So you don't know what Thorki is, but you're on AO3, home of All The Relationship Tags. Even if you didn't think to search it there, google exists, and is your friend. Type Thorki in there, and it's not even like you've got to narrow your search or add 'ship' or anything. The top result is the Thorki page of shipping wiki, and the next several links are photos of Thor/Loki. There is literally no other result given on the first page of google.

But LBR, this is likely an anti trying to subtly shame me for shipping Thorki. In which case, I'd invite you to look at my author page and see the types of fics I write regularly, and maybe just take your nonsense elsewhere.

The 'why are you here?' commenters:

Again, it's not like there's anything wrong with this kind of question! I too have seen PFPs of people on AO3 and been curious myself. The problem is, once again, coming onto one of my works and, without acknowledging the work that I've put so much time and effort into the thing they're commenting on, they just demand an answer.

What's particularly bewildering about this is that it isn't even in the 4 most recent works I've posted. So instead of just seeing my PFP and clicking on the first thing they see and asking there (still a little rude, but maybe more understandable??) it seems they were here to look at my work, and in doing so saw my PFP, and decided to ask.

Look, there's a way to ask these kinds of questions, young folks, and so I present to you

The proper way to ask a question commenter <3 :

Look at that! The commenter was able to get their question answered, and I was delighted to respond to them, because they took a few lines to tell me that they'd appreciated the work it pertains to. Honestly, I don't even need that much, although it's sincerely appreciated and makes my day. But even a simple "Loved the story, it was a lot of fun. BTW--that house..." would be cool.

We've all had those times when we get a burning question reading the fic--

"Is it possible they were referencing those lyrics??? I mean, it's not a very popular song, but it seems so obvious!!!" (probably, and the author is likely gonna be super excited you know that song, too)

"Did that line mean to insinuate what it did? Is that foreshadowing? Are those characters secretly screwing?" (the author may play coy, or they might be super excited you picked up on the thing they were hinting, or maybe they'll be annoyed you ruined the surprise?? but that's on them being brought up in the Marvel era of no spoilers)

Or indeed the questions about PFP or what house/city/clothing you used as reference.

But unless you're a regular commenter, popping up with just that question is abrupt at best, and shows a lack of common courtesy. Like, okay. Imagine running up to your favourite actor/singer/author in public and instead of saying "I'm a huge fan/I loved X/you're an amazing author/lyricist/actor/etc", you just immediately start bombarding them with questions "When are you going to write a new song/What did you mean on page 126 when you said/why did you decide to write these two characters together/etc etc."

Just imagine that you are addressing a living person with real human feelings, and ask yourself, if I were talking to them face to face, would this be an acceptable way to address/open a conversation with a stranger.

[editoress]

For the Noticing Trauma prompts, may I request 26 and Feyre + Tamlin please?

Oh no, I'm enchanted by Melody's plot ideas~. (Also: oh no, I haven't read the only ACoTaR book in several years.)

*

Despite the finery and sense of nobility on the estate, the Spring Court as a whole was wild. It was full of lost, beguiling places: lonesome glades, deathly beautiful lakes, hidden rings of impossible wildflowers. Places that felt untouched and isolated.

Feyre hoped they had been isolated. Even now, when she could sometimes sense them in strange, frightening ways, fae could usually escape her notice if they wanted. It was so frustrating to never be sure when she was being watched—or when she was one snapped nerve away from endangering someone.

Stay calm, but she wasn't. Don't use magic, but it boiled over when she least wanted it. Be a strong High Lady, but she had never led in her life. Stay close, but the estate was more and more crowded with fae, real fae who were strangers to her, who heaped expectations on expectations when she already felt buried under secrets.

So she had run. Only for the day, and only within the confines of the court. But guilt was oily nausea in her gut, most of all because she had purposefully left on a day when a riverbank ceremony would keep Tamlin from tracking her down. It felt like tricking him, or lying. But Feyre had thought of her latest burst of someone else's magic, of his ruined study, of Tamlin hurt and dazed just because she couldn't ever feel calm anymore, and she had gone through with her temporary escape.

Now Feyre trudged back toward the beautiful gardens between her and the house. She felt ugly, mortal, sweaty, and exhausted. But maybe, just maybe, she was too tired to ruin anything else. She might even sleep tonight.

Probably not.

She heard him first. Then she sensed him, strong and ringing. It was so invasive, yet she guiltily liked the sense of Tamlin's mind.

And then he appeared, bursting from between thick, verdant rose bushes with a powerful lunge, golden and fanged. It was hard to say which form he was closer to in the moment, but it was as a tall fae man that he came to a dead halt when he saw her.

He stopped so suddenly, and his eyes were so wide. He just stood there, gaze searching hers. It made her want to cry. "It's okay," she said wearily. "I won't... hurt you."

"Feyre," Tamlin rasped. His voice seemed to hold everything in the world: heartbreak, fear, relief, frustration, grief. He strode toward her as suddenly and gracefully as he'd halted. His hand reached out and cupped her cheek briefly—briefly, because in the next moment, he had pulled her into his arms. "Where were you?" he asked into her hair.

"I just had to be alone," Feyre muttered. It would cut him to hear, and it was true. "I couldn't keep the magic in. I couldn't be around anyone."

His arms tightened around her. "I'm afraid for you, Feyre," he rumbled. "I couldn't stand it if something happened to you. I'm not afraid of you."

She pressed her face into his chest in the hope it would muffle her words. "Maybe you should be."

"No—"

"Tam, stop!" Feyre shoved away from him. She didn't get very far, but neither did she feel like fighting. At least she was supporting her own weight and could look him in the eye, even if his arms were still around her. "I've always hurt people. Pushed them away. I'm difficult. I'm angry. But now I have... all this power I don't understand, and it's making it all worse. Now everything that's wrong with me is dangerous."

Tamlin's jaw tightened. She watched his temper rise in his beautiful green eyes and then fall to a simmer. Yet when he brushed his thumb over her cheek, it was with a warmth she wanted to lean into. "I did say thorns and all," he reminded her quietly.

He was so stubborn. Her maddening, single-minded, dear High Lord. "My thorns have gotten a lot sharper," she said in a shaky voice.

One corner of his mouth curled up with a hint of confidence in the face of challenge that was uniquely Tamlin. His high fae arrogance that had so annoyed her once—now she wanted nothing more than to believe it. "Even so," he replied.

Feyre tried to smile and managed a ghost of one. "What will we do?"

Tamlin drew her closer. "We," he said, "will figure it out. Together."

Together, in the estate, always guarding against the court. It pulled her nerves tighter to think about it. And yet the idea of forever keeping her distance from Tamlin was worse. So Feyre said, "Alright," and let him carry her to bed, just so they would both be reassured that the other was there.

[prettylittlelyres]

Violins and Violets - 4th July 2023 (update)

Hello, friends! I'm so pleased with what I've written today! I've made lots of progress on Chapter 3 of Violins and Violets, with three writing sessions: 750 words at lunchtime, 250 during downtime, and another 250 after work. 1250 words total (and that's rounded down to the nearest 250 each time, so I have no idea how much I've actually written, but it's a lot!), So it's time to share a celebratory excerpt, because I haven't done that in a long time. I'm having lots of fun adding scenes to the beginning of the book. Käthe and Johann now meet in Chapter Two -(and you might think they're heading for a romance, but you'd be wrong!) and there's a lot more build-up to Käthe's departure from Salzburg.

I've managed to write at least 250 words every day in July, and I know we're only four days in, but I'd already had to take time off by this point in June, so I'm pleased. It's a real struggle to write every day, especially when things get difficult in other aspects of life. Unfortunately, writing is creative outlet, because it occupies my mind as well as my hands! I can crochet very quickly, and I'm so used to it that I don't have to think when I work on a blanket. That's great if I want to have a conversation while I crochet, or when I'm too tired to talk but still want to do some craft... but makes crochet absolutely useless as a distraction! It doesn't seem to occupy the more complicated parts of my brain at all. Writing does, but I have to be in the right frame of mind to be able do it!

I was sad and sleepy for most of June, and had a lot of crochet to do, so my writing wasn't a priority. I ended up with just under 6,000 words written for the whole month, but I'm trying not to feel bad.

I took the month to let myself rest and relax, and came back to my writing habit when I was ready. Already, I'm feeling a lot better. We're four days into July and I've written over half what I managed to write in the entirety of June. I'm hoping to write more. I had a great start to the year, averaging over 1000 words every day in both January and February, and I'd like to get closer to that.

In an ideal world, I would write thousands of words every day, but it's just not practical alongside a full-time job and other hobbies. If I could stay awake 24 hours a day without perishing, there would be no problem. Alas, I live in a body, so sleep is required and my waking hours are limited.

Speaking of sleep, I must have at least a little now, or I will feel hideous in the morning. Good night, dear friends! Happy writing... or happy resting.

[talkorsomething]

I'm just up too late, for some reason. (Keep getting really tired at the end of the day, so... no sense in it.)

That being said.

Surgery, the idea of change is terrifying, somehow. I hold the conviction that this is what i want, have wanted for almost as long as i've known i was trans, and yet...

I don't see a world where i wake up from surgery and say that it was all some... delusion. Something not real. That my discomfort never existed.

I do exist in a world, where, the first time i had my sibling cut my hair, i cried my eyes out half the night. That shit was NOT pretty. But then, i got it fixed (shorter) and I loved it. I felt so much more like myself.

and now, any subsequent time i want to do the same sort of thing, i have a heightened sense of trepidation. It's not a fear of looking bad, per se, but of having the same reaction. God knows why it affected me so much. [I do know why. A holdover from the classic child's experiment with scissors treated, perhaps, a little unfairly.]

It's not enough that i feel uncomfortable at the way i see myself in the third person, mirrors, pictures, whatever. I've tried my best to minimize my chest without being able to bind, and in the process have learned an extreme discomfort of going without an extra protective layer against the world.

(Dysphoria hoodies don't exist without reason, of course.)

Is it enough? Will this mean enough to who i am in the future?

Being out scares me. It's - as with everything in my life - the fear of the unknown, the fear of change. Acknowledge me on my own terms — but am I right? How can I know, for certain? What's the one truth that will tell me, for real this time?

On the flipside, I'm resigned to being in the closet forever/as long as i need to be. But everyone knows. They can tell there's something different about me. This is not unique to the now - I certainly passed, as long as I never talked, when I was younger, had shorter hair. I experienced this.

... and with the same, difficult to grasp sort of shame I feel now. Strangers have no reason to simply humor me; and yet they're awfully quick to laugh at the fact that i could be anything but.

If I know anything, it's that the most I can hope for is too be percieved, maybe, as a slightly butch lesbian.

If I kniw anything, it's that I'm already visibly queer; no hormones added or suppressed, but facial hair that everyone sees, comments on.

Because it's funny that a woman can have a beard. Because there's something wrong with my hormones as they stand. Because I, clearly, have been taught to hate my body and what it stands for. Because society has been telling me this entire time that I must be a hairless, skinny sex object, and I've clearly internalized that message.

I haven't.

Is that so hard to believe? That I was raised with just the right amount of dis-care that it all passed me by? That the only thing passed down to me, by virtue of always being different, was an ED?

It would be hard to say I've never hated myself for being fat, but only in the way that it's hard to say I've never been suicidal. Textual evidence says the opposite, but I've always known just the right/wrong things to tell myself. Living through the tail-end of the "glory days" (so to say) of tumblr meant all the posts of positive self-talk, being mindful, being kind to yourself - I internalized those. And at the same time, I was wildly depressed. At the same time, I was completely fine. I learned a better way of being and dug myself out of the shallow pit I found myself in.

And then, knowing what to do right, I turned around and went right back in. Further, even.

I'm too self aware now. I find myself at odds with how I'm living. I know I need to give myself more grace, more room to recover, but i just...... don't. It's all too easy to throw myself into something, to desparately want to get better at it, but ignore all signs pointing to burnout.

... i forgot what the point was.

I just need to complete one more form, and I should be clear to schedule my consult. I was going to do it today, even. ...and then, i got stuck, because of [redacted].

It's getting better. She seems to have, at least a little, understood what I was trying to say. The future, my future, is still uncertain, built on unstable ground, but I'm not completely lost in the woods. There's a light, however small, to guide me home.

I don't know what that's going to mean for me.

Maybe surgery will happen and she'll cry about losing her daughter. Maybe she won't even know. As long as I have the space and time to recover, I can do this.

I just don't want to prove her right.

[uncloseted]

Do you find it strange we're going through a loneliness epidemic but the majority of people don't actually actively seek relationships with others? So many times I've had college classmates complain how boring their lives are and how friendless they are but when I invite them to something or to hang out (so money isn't involved) they never want to interact outside of class and social media. Could be that I'm the issue but it's tiring hearing people complain but reject you in the same breath

I mean, I think that's why we're going through a loneliness epidemic. I think a lot of young Millennials/Gen Z (at least in the US) grew up in a time where almost all social interaction was either scheduled (like school, after school activities) or took place online. A lot of us were raised with this idea of "stranger danger" that began to infiltrate all relationships with strangers, not just adults we didn't know. And then combined with that, I think it became less common for people to just talk to random strangers in public- now if someone approaches you, they want something specific from you (usually money or a signature, but sometimes a creepy guy who won't take no for an answer when he asks you on a date). So I think people began to perceive talking to strangers as 1. potentially dangerous and 2. socially inappropriate. And because they grew up with scheduled social interactions, I think they feel like they don't really know *how* you would make friends with a stranger in the first place. And then on top of that, there's a real lack of third spaces where you can organically meet people, so I think a lot of people don't really know where they would go to make a new friend even if they did know how.

So you already have a difficult environment for making friends, and then two things happen: the internet and COVID. The internet has created a weird panopticon where, at any moment, someone might be offering us up for judgement online without our knowledge or consent. There's this perception that if you do something weird or socially inappropriate (or even just doing something that can be interpreted as weird or socially inappropriate), someone might make a TikTok of it and then the entire internet will jump on you. Combined with that, the internet has created an environment (online, but also in the real world) in which what is and isn't socially acceptable is much more strict, and there isn't much compassion for people who get things wrong. And if you're seen interacting with a "bad person", even if you didn't know, you can end up being labeled a "bad person" too. So a lot of people are anxious about trying to make new friends because they're afraid that they'll say the wrong thing, or worst case scenario, that they'll say the wrong thing and end up being dog-piled online. There's a lot more social anxiety about interactions because anything we do has the potential to be immortalized online and because we're so trained to over-analyze what we say and do in case it can be misinterpreted by people looking for a fight.

And then COVID happens, and the (oftentimes already rather limited) social skills that people had started to deteriorate from lack of use. We weren't having day-to-day interactions with strangers anymore, and we weren't in real-life social situations where we could make friends. We were mostly doing things by ourselves, or maybe with one or two friends we already had and trusted. Plus, other people were a legitimate threat to our health during that period of time. So people got more scared of strangers than we were before, and we lost the skills required to be able to make new friends. We also got really used to staying home and doing things by ourselves, and so we kind of lost the skills required to motivate ourselves to go out and have a good time with other people.

All of that combined leads to a cohort of people who were never really taught how to make friends growing increasingly anxious about interacting with strangers, who don't really have in-person places to make friends, and whose hobbies largely involve being alone in their homes. Leaving their homes feels like a huge effort and like opening ourselves up to committing potential social faux pas. It's easier to just stay home.

[the-chessboard-is-personal]

Ok since a non-zero amount of people responded to my last post here's the story. remember there's no real metaphor here I'm just trying to make it look like there is

TWs: drowning, death

Note: This story gets a bit meta. Think "narrator interacting with characters" meta

Under cut because it probably sucks

The Stairs

​

In the absence of everything, there is a staircase.

At the bottom of it is a pit of dark sludge.

The sludge is too thick to breathe in, and if you're in it long enough it will stain you.

There is no top to the staircase. No "other end". The other end is where you decide it is. The other end cannot be too low, too close to the sludge.

A bully shoves a kid down a few steps, but they climb back up the next day.

A teen's mother is killed and her ghost throws them down the stairs. They drown in the sludge later that night, tied to the bottom by a rope with thirteen knots.

A businessman gets a raise and climbs up the stairs to go buy food. He's a few steps higher up when he gets back from the store.

Nobody knows that there's anyone else with them on the staircase until they start talking.

Someone tries to build a chair lift, but it breaks.

Someone reaches out to a stranger, but the stranger steals their money and pushes them down a dozen stairs. This stranger says this is his job. Everyone else thinks he should find a real job. He doesn't care.

Someone starts a YouTube channel and the stairs turn to ice. They start slipping. No one else feels it but the ice is cold and difficult to hold onto.

Someone else starts their own YouTube channel and climbs a dozen steps. The first one asks how the second one does it. The second one doesn't respond.

A group of friends can't decide if they're going up or down. Those arguing for up say they're trying to help. Those arguing for down say they can't see the top and that the bottom is closer. One arguing for up says that none of them can swim.

A writer types up a story while walking up the stairs. They keep writing and writing and eventually they've written so much they don't realize they got turned around on the staircase halfway through. They imagine their characters higher up than they are themself.

Someone finds an elevator made by a mysterious person who claims to have invented a religion. The elevator doesn't go up, but it wiggles and shakes as if it was trying to make you think it did.

Someone climbs out of the sludge. Someone else sinks in.

I swear I saw them so high up just yesterday!

That was an illusion. You should have noticed. They weren't even that high up before.

I know.

She lied. Well, kind of. She didn't know until now. But now was too late. They had already drowned.

Someone tries to pull their friend out of the sludge, but ends up slipping and falling into it themself. One escapes, but not by much. The other had been in the sludge so long that it burned their skin and stuck to their flesh. They wouldn't be recognizable even if they could get out.

No one really knows this, but the stairs near the bottom are taller. Harder to climb.

Someone spends all their life making a ladder for people, but when they try to use it, it slides down the stairs with them and anyone who trusted them on it. The one who made the ladder falls the most steps watching their plan go horribly wrong.

The ones who hate the pit the most are the ones who keep coming back to it.

There's a point where it becomes impossible to leave the sludge. Those who think there isn't are stupid and naive.

...There are people who, just days ago, would never have thought they'd be more than 20 steps down from where they were. Some of them are drowning now.

It's easier not to let people know where you really are. It's better to hide the stains.

Someone gets tired of trying to climb out and goes to sleep in the sludge. They don't wake up.

Someone puts bandages on their arms to hide darkened stains. The doctor they go to knows. They know the doctor knows. They don't go back to that doctor.

And what about you?

A group of friends try to help each other up. They take turns walki-

Stop. What about you?

...

...

...I'm not supposed to be here at all.

Yes you are.

You don't understand.

Where else?

Where I was. Telling it all.

You tell the tales of others but hide your own?

It is only fate.

But you can change that.

And yet.

You could.

I could put myself anywhere on that staircase.

You should.

And yet.

...so where are you now?

Somewhere on the stairs, I guess.

"Somewhere"?

Somewhere.

Where?

Where do you think?

...

...

I'm too late to change your mind, aren't I?

Don't blame yourself.

Guess it only makes sense.

And no one's going to do the job for that one now.

Lmao.

[julykings-blog]

It's been awhile since i created a blog, this picture was taken when i woke up earlier to do jogging, at this time i have all the time to think on what would be my next move, as i said in my previous blog i lose interest in everything, so i decided to quit again sound cliche but yes again and again and again why?

I know that this is not the right decision but this make me feel relax and freed from being stuck on the cycle of life, you know what i mean? study work and die, On those days at work i always get depress it makes me feel suffocated it make me feel uncomfortable on day by day which may lead to this decision to quit my job again, The advantage of this path that i chose was that i have more time to think to replenish to exercise and to focus more on recovering my body my mind and my health from stress and mental exhaustion specially now that i found out that i have deadly known illness which is diabetis which i inherited on my mother side it runs in our blood most of my relatives died in an early age because of this Diabetis, I know that this is not that hard for some people but for me it's really hard Diabetes killing me slowly day by day, Other thing that hinder from being successful was being an introvert which makes me more difficult to work and to achieve my goals,

Now that i have time for everything, i am now enjoying exercising jogging every morning or sometimes when i forgot to woke up early i do it at night, I was also reading books, watching my preferred movies and anime, The current series anime that i watched was the Vinland Saga, I don't know why I'm into this kind of story but i really like the stories when it comes to suffering specially real life stories it really get my interest that relate me so much specially if the story was about history, those things that they do in ancient times it really facinate me, I love stories where i could learn and apply it in my present life, It really caught my interest on how hard the situation of ancient humans compare today at the same time i could learn english and widen my vocabulary.

I highly recommend Vinland Saga Series you could read it in manga on internet websites for those people who love watching anime or history, and guess what ? Did you know Vinland Saga won the best anime this 2023 ? well now you know, Vinland Saga Won the title of best Anime series this 2023 before it won i already finish the season 1 way back 2021 and i could say this is the best anime and worth to watch! and i was not wrong they won the Best Anime in 2023.

The difference of this Anime to other anime was most anime's are just fictions but this Vinland Saga story are base on a true story you could literally relate from it at the same time you could learn a moral lessons in life.

Well i hope that i could find a job that suited on me i know that there's no easy job but if i could find one atleast i never get tired of it and get stress again, i hope i could find one which i enjoy doing it, though most people couldn't get what job they want but atleast hopefully we could find one because if you're enjoying your job you'll never get tired of it.

i felt empty and sad yet what i heard on Vinland Sage quote if you're empty then you could fit anything inside you.

#emptinessanddissapointments

#sorrowandunfortunate

#hardshipsandadversities

[mrsforgettablee]

Yesterday was the last day of my classes for this year. Annoyingly, professors keep asking for stupid reports even though they themselves aren't working. This makes my rebellious child yell in anger. These reports are long - I don't like doing things badly, so I actually put effort in this shit, it has my name in it after all -, difficult to do and will not help me become a better doctor. I hate it.

This week I returned to bjj, after the week of gym/rolling. The guys have been used a lot of strength to pin me down and I wanna punch them when it happens. They use strength to make things work in me that wouldn't work in someone in the same weight as them. It's like, seriously, dude? You're a middle aged men weighing 200lbs and you must use all you strength on a 22 year old 130lbs girl? I think that means someone's technique is very lacking....

Anyway, when they start to train pining me down to tire me out I get very angry and just don't move. If they won't roll, neither will I, I'll pull half guard, put my elbow on their necks, and hold on to that for dear life until the timer runs out. Then I'll leave and return another day, because time is short and I will not engage in rolling that's not helping me improve.

I'm afraid that means I have an attitude? Or that I'm being arrogant? But then, again, I want to focus more on medicine. I know, in the long term, I will be grateful I did not quit bjj despite not having a lot of time, already going to the gym and despite these problems with the training.

Now, the last complaining before I start talking about good stuff to keep things balanced. I joined a project about phytotherapy (drinking tea to treat diseases basically), but everything about it went wrong, no one wants to work, and all the workload has fallen on my shoulders. It feels like, if I don't do it, no one will, and the lack of support made me very unhappy with the work, so now I am doing it but feeling miserable the whole time. The teacher wants to extend the deadline of it until august next year, and he didn't ask me if I wanted that (I strongly do not want it). I'll finish whatever is last of it, crying, yelling, pulling my hairs out, or whatever, and then I'll quit instead of continuing it, and I know it will fall apart without me to do everything.

Now for the good! I am so happy I have joined tumblr, it gives me a chance of writing my thoughts as they happen,

I went to the emergency ward again yesterday, and the resident was so kind. It motivates me to continue doing my best in everything, to know these meaningless (yet annoying) tasks will come to pass, to do a bit better every time. I can study harder, organize myself better, be kinder and more resilient. Then, one day, perhaps I can return to others in my current position the kindness and be their role model, like so many doctors are being to me currently.

I started to observe a lot of things. Some good, some bad, all important, because I can pick, from real life examples, who I want to be, how to act, and how to not act.

And most importantly, I rediscovered a fire/passion inside me I thought I'd lost. I thought so because I felt directionless. That's no longer the case.

Lord, please give me the strength to remedy their situation, and to believe in good while living amidst evil.