#and I'm talking about the happy endings here bc I've never gotten a bad ending in a visual novel bc I cheat and use guides ajsjsjs

[space-sweetheart]

I'm not the only one who finds the ends to visual novels bittersweet, am I? (I'm on my yearly, I guess, rereading of my favorite visual novel games. Idk why I do this every year, but I just take a few days to reread my fave visual novel games ajsjsjs also this is why I've been kinda inactive)

[micahulrichdraws]

I don't think self-deprecation or concern for the person's well-being is ever going to come across well to someone saying they like what you do. Maybe I'm missing something, but there are reasons to like your art besides being miserable. Even if only the truly miserable liked your work, responding to them by pointing out how miserable they must be wouldn't feel great for them. Your art isn't giving them depression, and it's not like you're contributing to net suffering by making art with ~themes~, so it seems unnecessary to bring up. You suggested that if you struggle to enjoy life, and you make something, anyone who resonates will also struggle to enjoy life. I disagree. Some people will like it for completely shallow reasons. Some people have empathy for others' suffering. You can have a decent life and no mental illness and probably still appreciate a well-drawn skeleton. I don't know what kind of art a perfect world would produce, but any world where people are mortal is going to have sadness, and some art will reflect that. Yours isn't uniquely dark.

Sorry if you've gotten 100 asks saying this same thing. I wasn't sure based on the ones you responded to, and I just found your blog. I know it's sort of a joke, bc you do still sell art prints and stuff, so you clearly are okay with people liking your art. Tbh, I /had/ depression for a few years, so I'm not exactly proof against the theory that your art somolehow only appeals to depressed people. It seems unlikely, though. And the way you talk about your art as "garbage" kind of gave me flashbacks to the sort of self-deprecating humor I'd use when I hated myself. I don't know you or how you're doing, but that feeling made me want to say something.

You didn't just miss something, you missed like, everything I've ever said on my blog about like, everything to the point I'm not even sure this was intended for me? Like I'd break it down, point by point and be like 'no what are you smoking' but that'd be a waste of time after the 'why do you think my art gives people depression!?' part of whatever this is. Like, this is offensive levels of trying to make me be someone I'm not for the sake of a hypothetical argument against a strawman. So if, you want to take offense to who I am in case you misclick and end up here again here's an asshole enough of a response to give you a legitimate reason to find me intolerable:

Welcome to my page! I make art, jokes, and bullshit with folks to make people happy. I started doing this when I was big sad, because cheering people up cheers me up. Now, here's the crazy part: some people are very sad, and sometimes they tell me it makes them a small amount of happy, which gives me dopamine and makes me do it again. The word 'some' means 'not everyone', or even 'a fraction of a percentage'. For example, in this case, it means 'most people just like my drawings but some people get an extra lil bit out of it'. I don't take myself seriously because I know that the art world is insanely intimidating to those outside of it, and sometimes artists tend to be egotistical and condescending, a word that means 'having or showing a feeling of patronizing superiority'. Naturally, I do everything in my power to avoid that, because I'm a very 'gates open' kinda person.

So, here's the WILD part: in my perfect world I would've never had depression. Now, I know, that would have been inconvenient for you as someone who passed by my page one time, and I do apologize. I also apologize that I don't make 'dark art', because I like frogs and mice doing cool shit. Finally, I apologize for my art having -~*themes and concepts*~-, I know good art only comes from ChatGPT and that was my bad.

Sike, I didn't apologize, my fingers were crossed behind my back when I said that. Fuck you for thinking me not wanting to be around for a decade is 'worth' because I drew a mediocre skeleton, and because somehow sadness is necessary. That line of thinking is so awful, here's a video explaining it:

PS: the reason my friends and I in these parts call my art 'art garbage' is because that's what my professors called it back in school for like 4 years, back when I started this shitshow. Much love.

[kkami-writes]

hey guys!! long time no talk......here's a little life update!

so as you remember I got a job at the beginning of novemeber! while kinda stressful and hectic I really enjoyed working with the dogs and was happy even if i didn't have as much time for other things. December took a bit of a rough turn with seasonal depression and just feeling no motivation for really much of anything. For context for years I've never really had amazing birthdays, I've been disappointed, upset or just alone on my birthdays and I've long lost the excitement of my birthday. This year, I took a trip to Orange County/LA to visit family. We had planned on doing an escape room (something I've only done once but enjoyed but with my anxiety the thought of being locked in a room freaks me out). my cousins bf however booked a saw themed room. for those of you who don't know. I hate horror. ok, I digress. sometimes I can watch horror. but i mostly more enjoy horror video games but even then I do NOT play them for the most part. And if I do I usually have to take a break bc my anxiety spikes. In years I have gotten better at dealing with it, but in general horror movies specifically trigger me pretty badly. And prior to this, my anxiety had been out of control, constant anxiety and panic attacks that I didn't think I was even going to make it on my trip. So needless to say I was upset. Because I was looking forward to doing an escape room, I enjoy puzzles and thinking but that being said I would never ever do a horror themed escape room. I felt bad because I couldn't do it and they had already paid and it was about an hour before we had to leave. (thank god I asked what the theme of the room was before we got there). anyway, with all my emotions that I had been piling up in me, I just had a bad breakdown and cried. They all ended up going bc again, didn't want to waste money and I just wanted to be alone at that point anyway. Regardless, I still had a good time on the trip, "minor" bump aside. We went to little tokyo and I got to go to designer con for a bit. ALSO I love my cousins bf, he's a really nice guy. He did not know I don't do horror so it's not his fault. In his defense it was more supposed to be horror comedy / parody but I was already very highly anxious that even that would freak me out.

With my job, the original owners of the daycare had sold it, due to personal circumstances so we were getting a whole new owner. Except that a lot of us did not agree with things they were going to be adding or the way they interacted with the dogs. They have "nap time" which is literally just them crating all the dogs for almost 2 whole hours. Not all the dogs are crate trained and needless to say, did not enjoy it. When we tried it a few times it was just non stop barking for 2 hours. It was heartbreaking and sad. Literally everyone but two people have quit and decided they would not be working with these new people who clearly don't really care about the dogs. It's all about how to make the most money. The new owners don't even HAVE a dog. It's kinda crazy. So that being said...I have also decided to leave as I just don't feel comfortable there anymore. Which is heartbreaking because even though it's been two months, I've really bonded with these dogs and love them and it feels like I've left them to fend for themselves :/ anyway, I don't want to keep rambling on and on. but basically! i'm on the hunt for a new job and still struggling a bit with motivation and my mood, but i'm still hoping to return back to writing in january. I miss you guys a lot and have missed writing. I'm gonna answer all my asks soon. Thanks <3

[burntblueberrywaffles]

Fic tag game

got tagged by @fangeek-girl ❤️❤️

How many works do you have on Ao3?

I have 7 works but 3 of them are fanfic lol

2. What's your Ao3 word count?

1896 words total. Your girl is definitely one for brevity LOL

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Wednesday, that one drabble I made for The Man Who Killed Don Quixote, and I've been writing for Star Wars (though I haven't posted anything yet) and Mrs maisel (i wrote a whole short fic for that almost a year ago but I forgot about it completely until I found it in my notes apps, I should get around to posting it)  

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

I don't have 5 fics total but here's my current count in order:

1-Lies

2-The world's a little blurry

3-Pretend

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes always! the fact that people are READING my stuff and taking time to comment has me 🥺🥺🥺

My writing ao3 isnt linked to my main email adress though so sometimes it takes me a while to respond because I wont see it until I periodically check my fic stats

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

.....Probably The world's a little blurry let's be real (I'm going to fix it it in the next one in the series, I promise!!!)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

akdadhjgsjgd hard to say all my shit is angsty, I guess Pretend?? kind of, it's less of a downer than the other ones. The final part of Come a little closer will have a happy ending though I promise! (already finished writing the end, I just need to write the beginning lol)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No ❤️ I don't think any of my stuff has gotten enough attention for that lol

9. Do you write smut? What kind?

NO my ace ass has no experience with that so I wouldn't know how 🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️(I might need to in some future project, fortunately a lot of my friends are perverts (affectionate) so I could probably ask for some guidance if it comes to that LOL)

10. Do you write cross-overs?

No, I'm not a big fans of crossovers in general so certainly have never felt compelled to write one.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No

12. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

No

13. What WIP you would like to finish, but doubt you ever will?

So many ugh I cant even choose, it's more rare for me to actually finish something than the opposite, that's why I'll never post anything unless the whole thing is finished (only exception is my current series, but that's because I felt like each fic making up the series were self-contained enough that they didn't need to follow up immediatly to work? if that makes sense - plus the first one was a one shot and only thought of how to follow it up after posting it)

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

ANIDALA MY BELOVED

15. What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm really good at imagery and emotion (being a poetry writer goes brrrrr)

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

DESCRIPTIONS oh god I'm so bad at it. My fic are vibes only lmao, what are they wearing? where are they? what movements are they doing? NOT IMPORTANT how about I offer you 12 metaphors on how this character is feeling instead. (though I'm forcing myself to work on it haha)

I also struggle with any longer story arc... there's a reason all my stuff is so short lol

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

If it's in french it would be pretty fun since it's my ✨first language✨ hehe. For other languages I'd see if one of my friends speak it but otherwise idk if I'd include it bc I don't want to butcher another language, I've seen too many english authors put french through the ringer it's painful 😭

18. First fandom you wrote for?

I guess Julie and the Phantoms? I never posted it but I had a pretty advanced fic for that. unless you count the 13 reasons why fic I posted on wattpas when i was early teen but we dont talk about that

19. Favourite fic you've ever written?

right now it has to be The world's a little blurry, I just love how it came out hehe

20. What fic would you want to rewrite one day?

none right now.

Anyway tagging @nonamemanga @beri-allen @unlifeira @realmermaid333 @suchaladyy @witchysith @king-crimson-works @theycallme-thejackal and anyone else who might want to do it!

[ghostcatssecretblog]

I'm gonna say this and I know people aren't going to agree and that's okay

But I really don't like Mikasa's character. I think she had the potential to be really cool af, but the execution fell flat. I know she's written a little bit better in the Manga (still need to finish it) but here's why I don't like her and how I think it could have been changed.

I understand why she's so attached to Eren, but it's almost obsessive, and the way she treats him feels patronizing. She wants to look out for him because she loves him, but it's in a selfish way.

Examples: as a kid injuring him and then asking him if he still wants to join the Scouts, FORCING him to eat, carrying him away from fights, telling him to stop talking (tho indirectly) when talking about his more negative feelings (shown in s1 and s3).

My biggest pet peeve is the scene where he figures out the ODM gear and Mikasa is like "he's happy he doesn't have to leave me" which is NOT AT All what he was thinking but sure girl project your bs onto him

^ seriously none of that was okay. And yeah Eren had moments where he's rude to her or has hit her bc he didn't reciprocate her feelings. He was treating her like he'd treat anyone else.

Worse of all we never see get any real development. (Least not in the anime. Maybe the Manga does it better) she's still over protective to the point it's almost patronizing and outside of protecting him, she has zero ambitions for herself. You can't even say she let him go when she killed him bc even then she didn't move on!

Now what I would have liked to have seen- and I've seen some fan-work creators take this direction- is for them to have more of a sibling relationship.

Imagine this. Everything still happens mostly the same but her motivations are different. It's a found family/sibling sort of love. She wants to protect him bc he's like a little brother to her.

Because Carla begged her to look after him (which is canon)

And so her motivation for protecting him had been to bc of this. Bc Carla begged her, too. Because Eren is the only family she has left.

(And maybe dialing back some of her obsessive tendencies)

And had both gotten growth? Her learning she doesn't have to always look out for him. That he can take care of himself, and him understanding that she was only doing it bc they're the only family they have left and him accepting her as such?

There's also my personal issue that I don't see any build up or reciprocation on Eren's some until the very end so as you can guess I don't ship Eremika. Any defense you could have like him being protective of her or holding her hand he also does for Armin and Historia.

But people act like him not loving her back makes him a bad person or that he treated her bad for not feeling the same? Just because someone loves you doesn't mean you have to feel the same, no matter what they do for you. And I'm saying that as someone who's been on the other end of that! Also personally if someone treated me the way Mikasa treated Eren I'd personally consider her a bad friend. If I can't talk to you about my morbid and depressed thoughts why are we even friends?

Also, I'm not expecting anyone to agree. If you wanna have a calm conversation about it, I'm absolutely down, but don't come in my chats yelling.

[starleska]

[oh hey ig what im talking about may still be new. Uh. Maybe slight spoilers for Avery Pokémon’s Sync Pair Story in Pokemon Masters EX?]

Star, I must repent. I think I followed you at the tail end of your Avery obsession. I must admit, I did NOT get it, I did not see The Vision™️

But things changed, you may already know, but I downloaded that mobile Pokémon game, Pokemon Masters EX, bc I’m broke and know no other option; Avery was put in the game…like…yestetday?; I go “OO! Star’s guy!”; I obtain Avery; etcetera etcetera, yada yada

It’s 5am, I’m sitting someone else’s house with little to do bc I was watching a family’s dogs while they were on a weekend trip. I open the app and decide to play the little side story for Avery bc ofc I love the 💖Lore💖 and thought it’d be cool to gain clues on who he is (bc there’s no introductions in the game, really. You just go in and they expect you to already know these guys…I, in fact, know none of these guys).

Avery greets the player and starts briefly talking about his powers, his family, his Slowpoke, gym leading, etc. (probably just referencing what already happened in Shield but-) and I’m like “…omg…he is lovely <3”

and. then I see him “teleport”. For the first time…I…HE DID SAY “oh I was supposed to have all these powers but only got Telekinesis” BUT. I WASNT . I WAS NOT READY. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WAS EXPECTING!!!! BUT IT WASNT THAT TURN AROUND AND FULL SPRINT AWAY INTO THE NIGHT, LEAVING THREE (3) OF HIS POKEMON JUST SITTING IN FRONT OF ME, VIBING

I don’t remember what noises I made, but whatever it was, I startled awake all four of the dogs I was watching. I was almost SOBBING. That got me so bad. I still look up at the ceiling everytime I think about it.

Tragically, my YouTube search history is rapidly becoming a mess as I try to find every compilation of this guy ever,

bahahahahaha YES!!!!!! WELCOME TO THE AVERY CULT!!!!! oh it's so funny that as roach brainrot takes over my whole being, Avery finally gets you. we really can't control when that little light switches on and makes us insane, can we? 🙈💖

gosh i ought to check this Pokemon Masters EX game out-

MY LOVE!!!!!!! 🙈💖🙈💖🙈💖 OHHH so that's why i've seen so much gorgeous art of Avery over on Twitter over the last week!!! i thought people were just finally waking up to what a handsome and funny guy he is 🥰💖 i'm so, so happy he's become your husband too...you have to be confronted with what an elegant little weirdo he is to truly fall victim to his charm!! (i'm not gonna lie when i read you calling Avery 'Star's guy' i got so giggly 🙈🙈 now he's OUR guy!!!) oh my god. TELEPORT IS WHAT GOT YOU???? i'm in PIECES 😂😂😂 we love our silly fellas with a big slice of pathetic, don't we. bless his heart he's so troubled and has so much familial angst yet is equal parts bishie bully and ready to break down in tears at ANY second!! when did he start doing the teleport thing, do you think? has anyone ever told him how ridiculous(ly pretty) he looks? 😖💖💖💖 that art you've drawn of yourself is making my sides shake that is EXACTLY how i felt when i first saw Avery. just one look at his outfit and i was absolutely gone 😭😭 omg my goddd though Kayleigh McKee, his voice actress in Masters EX, does such an amazing job, i'm gobsmacked!!! i was kicking my legs hearing him laugh so haughtily 🥴💖 hufjgk i would kill to have him in a longer anime episode please good lord...!!! Mr Big Hat over here would be so terribly smug to know he's gotten you all flustered 🥴💖 very much looking forward to the inevitable ship art of yourself and Avery (and of course your other Pokéblorbos, because we can never have just one!! 🥰)...gosh you're making me want to draw him!!this is that time where i promote the hell out of my extremely talented friends who've drawn lovely art of Avery and my OC Nix (AKA Crystelekinesisshipping 😉): art by @/mruuhaha, art by @/MrKlausSelfShip, and art by @theredmists 🥰🥰 and to feed your little Avery fixation, i made this silly little AMV for him when in the throes of my own 🔥 lying down, blood on my face. there are too. many. pretty. characters. in the world. how dare you bring Avery back i am trying to rizz up a French bugman 😂😂 Lorelei, it is a pleasure as always!!! thank you for bearing with me while i've been crushed in fixation hell, you're a champion and i am IMMENSELY looking forward to reading through your Avery brainrot backlog 😉

[brekker-by-brekkerr]

hsmtmts s4 first thoughts

spoilers ahead!! you have been warned!

i have covid and my head feels like it's stuffed with cotton so this may be the most nonsensical of ramblings but here are some of my thoughts from a first watch:

"sometimes i think i'll be okay. then sometimes i stay awake for five nights in a row." oh ricky. relatable but also. how i worry for you

miss jenn and mr. bowen giving me the ick as always

oh thank you thank you thank you they're done

mr. mazzara being in a boy band was not on my season 4 bingo card

one of my ships is endgame!! let's go jenzzara <3333

mazzara saying these are her children yes thank you this is a family

i love ricky standing up to gina's mom bc i have things to say about this woman

ricky giving out cards in nini's place!!! my heart. so they still talk they're still friends I'm crying thank you for this crumb thank you

they are really redeeming ricky and gina for me guys i must say like they're crossing off all the boxes i needed crossed for them so what can i say

i never thought i'd see portwell interact again and I'm in so so much pain. i thought i was fine and moved on but stars no i love them i miss them

"we'll always have risotto right" got me crying. i know people think this was a stupid ship and it's a stupid show but they meant something to me. i love them and I'm so done w people online bullying anyone who mentions portwell (i have so many thoughts about how toxic things have gotten w the hsmtmts shipping discourse but that's another post). i like gina and ricky they're cool i am also allowed to miss portwell

antoine coming back and being like "don't tell anyone i was here i have a bad enough reputation with the police as it is" was also not on my hsmtmts s4 bingo card but then again, most of this wasn't

ej still getting a storyline!! him being a good teacher yes you're so right miss jenn!!!

i wanted ej to sing scream so badly but it wasn't going to work with this season. but ricky did eat that

actually love the way they're using hsm 3 scenes to have double meaning, like for example, the troy and miss darbus college discussion scene

big red's speech to ricky <3

i love this show. i love that the found family is here

antoine and big red????!!!!! this show is so out of pocket i love it

"just in case this is the last time we're all in the same room" i am not emotionally stable enough for this help

the way they're like endings are sad but also okay (idk how to articulate this but it's so good)

"i used to think that strength came from being fearless. but i've realized that it comes from overcoming fear not the absence of it." yes yes yes this is so important this has been one of the biggest life lessons for me

EJ GOT A GOODBYE TOO WHAT WHAT I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS

miss jenn being their mom the found family is so real

ricky's love confession was so so beautiful and the wildcats singing with them I'm so unwell

the wildcat fam being like our parents are getting together!! (about jenzzara)

why am i crying they're just running out of the school together

it's just that they're all together one last time and they're all so happy and i didn't think they would all be there i didn't think my boy EJ would be there and they're my little theatre found family i love them

oh that was such a perfect ending and now I'm sobbing i cant handle this

miss jenn getting choked up singing "because i knew you" got me again

after the mess of s3 thank you for this ending thank you <3

[nathank77]

4/13/24

12:18 a.m

Talk about driving me fucking crazy. Can you just tell me? Cause I want a retest if it comes back positive.

At this point I'm just accepting I have HSV2. Do I know for sure? Absolutely not cause quest won't finish the fucking test and I've had absolutely no symptoms but- pretending it's a positive will make a positive less traumatic.

I haven't talked to my mother yet but for some reason, I know damn well if I have it, it's from her giving birth to me vaginally.

How do I feel about this? Well if I pretend it's def positive, even though I know I have HSV1....

1) Well I've been asymptomatic for 16 years to 33 years depending on if it was from my Mother or my two sexcapade so who really cares when it comes to my body? I'm not going to ever get symptoms.

2) Obviously I'll be worried I'll get symptoms one day bc they can be a horror story but I have to use time as a reference and psychosis as the most traumatizing event cause it is and then all my other shit that didn't trigger it.

Also there are treatments for it, if you end up being someone very symptomatic that can stop infection frequency. Katelyn had to do it cause she had many outbreaks.

I can avoid certain things that cause outbreaks and otherwise I can just assume I'll never have symptoms and only worry about it if I do.

And if I ever do I won't be surprised bc I'll know.

3) I feel bad for all my exes. Cause I'm telling 2 or 3 out of 4 of them. If I can reach Cecile. I mean I'd want to know if it was the shoe on the other foot so I could get tested. I can't tell Jon cause he won't talk to me but I would if I could.

They'll also low key hate me-its not my fault planned parenthood only tests for HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia..

I've gotten all my tests done at planned parenthood after every partner since I was like 18 years old and I was over here thinking they screened for everything but they don't. They do not do a full panel like my primary care did. They don't even test for Hepitas for christ sake.

-I'm over here thinking I only have two things, one that isn't even a std:

1] HSV1- My cold sores make it undeniable and I've told everyone I dated.

2] I have Pearly Penile Papules, I've had those since I started testosterone. They aren't sexually attractive, they line the head of my dick and they are ultra tiny. However they increase sexual pleasure and they aren't contagious. They don't do anything. They just exist. They are harmless. I've always told my partners about them bc everyone freaks out about bumps down below and I actually went to Planned Parenthood and had them look at my dick and diagnose it years ago, so it's actually what they are.

3) My main concern is that no one will date me bc I will tell everyone that I get serious with. Not right away but well before sex.

- I wish she hadn't done the blood test. They say needless suffering for a reason. Cause they aren't very accurate and I'm over here saying, "Nathan idc if it's in progress you have HSV2, in order to soften the blow if it comes back positive."

- Either way I wait. I'm mostly concerned that no one will date me. I can't blame someone for not wanting it.

- I mean I'm a transguy. I'm disabled. I'm very mentally ill. I'm a low life. And If I have HSV2 good bye to any chance of me finding a partner.

-Either way it's still in progress. It could come back negative, I just got to prepare for the worst case scenario. And if it comes back negative I'll be happy as a pig in shit. If it comes back positive, then I'll feel all the things I wrote above and I'll get retested and I'll start looking at test accuracy rates.

[savventeen]

IM GONA BE SICK???MM i just read the leechan sm au and sjdgalwhaos WHYBWOULD U DO THSTATTTSTTT😭😭😭😭😭😭😭☹️☹️☹️😭😭😭😭😭 sorry i cldnt revlog im not logged in my acc rn but woheky?@&@& please...... why would u do thsy .... u genuis.... u absojute evil genius.... I FEL SIDIUCKJUSUKI i feel sick. like wow i gen thought LIKE U OBV SAID NJ HAPPY ENDING BUT I WAS STILL HOPING ..... i wa like ok well maybe its a n unhappy ending for ynchan and the mcd tag is temporary haha 😃 but it asnt.... nobody smiled again.... Owch!!!!!

im rlly goin crazy. an d thay EPILOGUE.... oh u pure evil genius u you uuuuu WHEN YOUUUUUUUU😃🐥😆🙏☹️😭😭😭😭😭👖👖🍼😭☹️☹️😐😭🧍🏻‍♂️😭🧍🏻😦🌞🌞😭😭😭like what if i was crazy. what if i never smiled again. IM SAYING THIS POSITIVELY BRW BUT WOW. WHAT IF.

anwyays.... thank u for writing that... OR NOT??? IM SO CONFLICTED IM A WRECK IM UPSET IM JOYOUS IVE NOT FELT A POSITIVE EKOTION FOR THE OAST TEN MINUTES I COULD SHIT SUNSHINE im crazy actually. Youre a genius and im crazy and i think WELL ACTUALLY I HAVE A QUESTION ARE THE OTHER PLAYERS REAL PEIPLE OR EVIL AI MONSTERS ORETEBDING TO BE REAL PEIPLE regardless they need to dai i dont feel bad for them.

HI HELLO I'M SO SORRY THIS HAS TAKEN SO LONG FOR ME TO ANSWER SLDJFLSDJFK

this may be the greatest response i've ever gotten on anything i've ever created sldkfjsldkjflj like i never thought i'd feel honored being called an evil genius And Yet.... 😅🥲 aND THE FACT THAT YOU SENT THREE WHOLE ASKS IM SO EMO IM GIVING U A BIG PLATONIC SMOOCH ON THE CHEEK DEAR ANON

but yeah, if there's a happy ending on a story i make sure to tag it bc when i say there isn't a happy ending... i mean it oops :')

bUT I HOPE YOU'RE DOING BETTER NOW SLKDJFLKSDJ

and you can actually find the answers to your questions here!

thank you so much for reading all the way to the end it honestly means so much <33333 (and i hope you can forgive me taking so long to answer 😭)

[and for anyone wondering what the heck we're talking about, you can find my angsty/horror smau here!]

[teklarn]

hi, this is my first ever ask so I'm not sure I'm doing this correctly, if that's the case I'm sorry; I don't know how tumblr works just yet >:')

would it be possible for you to write something about bakugo, pining incredibly hard for fem!reader and initially hating how strongly he feels about her? because they're not even friends, they only exchange few words occasionally and she doesn't even glance at his way whereas he slowly finds himself unable to divert his eyes from her during classes? shes always with damn deku and his friends and doesn't even seem interested in him at all but his heart can't ignore the way she looks at him proudly whenever they spar together, the way she sends him small confident smiles as they fight each other with all they have; so he thinks that maybe, maybe he might have a chance. basically bakugo liking reader so much he's completely lost in self-hatred because he always thought feelings were for weak romantics and not great people like him, but everytime he sees reader doing some badass things (again, like sparring with him and basically matching his skills etc...) he's reminded of how badly he likes reader? but when he finally accepts he's fallen for reader, after ignoring and trying to forget about how she makes him feel, he masters up the courage to confess? and it's a very clumsy confession because he's awkward and has no idea how to deal with those feelings? and he tries so hard to make reader realise he's never been more serious than now? and reader is startled and speechless before rejecting him? and at that point he's just completely humiliated, so he nods and walks away.

it might be a little dramatic but I've always been into unrequited love and one-sided pining. thank you, its okay if you don't want to write about this, i'll understand <33

𝓫𝓻𝓾𝓽𝓪𝓵 - 𝓴. 𝓫𝓪𝓴𝓾𝓰𝓸𝓾

character(s): katsuki bakugou x fem!reader (my hero academia) 

reblogs are greatly appreciated! 

a/n: AHHHHH this is so cute <33 honestly this is super exciting for me and this ask made me so happy, lovey. i’m fairly new to tumblr, i’m usually just a reader but i wanted to migrate here from wattpad so this made me so happy. here u are my love <33 i hope this lives up to what u wanted !! :)) a bit lengthy, but i had a lot of fun writing it !!! 

summary: bakugou finds he’s rejecting his feelings for you in fear of becoming weak, however he just can’t seem to ignore you. 

genre: fluffy, fluffier than the clouds istg, however the clouds are sprinking a little teeny weeny droplet of angst. 

warnings: cursing (bakugou, duhh), one-sided pining (on bakugou’s part) second hand embarrassment (on bakugou’s part bc we can all agree he’s a complete idiot when it comes to trying to get someone’s attention), just bakugou being a jackass, i gave the reader a quirk 

word count: 3,859 

(pls excuse any typos or mistakes, i edited to the best of my ability but i miss some things sometimes !) 

- - - 

part 2 is here my loves <3

brutal. it was utterly ruthless. he couldn’t focus, couldn’t think right. his hands were already exceptionally sweaty, but gosh when he saw your damn face, he was ready to explode. literally. 

what the hell was it about you? was it your stupid smile? or the way you just seemed to carry every battle on your back? was it all the undeniably sweet things you do for others ‘just because’? 

it made him angry that he thought about you, but gosh he couldn’t wait to see you every day. 

just like any other day, bakugou found himself staring at the large door to the classroom, awaiting the moment you would bounce into his day, skirt shifting around your legs, bag slung loosely around your shoulders. 

his leg was bouncing eagerly. 

bakugou didn’t know when the feelings came. his cheeks just started flaring up all of a sudden and one day you just looked...different. you hadn’t done anything different to yourself. it was just him. not that he would ever admit that, to you or anybody else. 

you were insufferable. you were stupid and obnoxious and so...so damn... 

“y/n! come look at this!” 

you’d come walking into class just as expected, and as soon as you did, that stupid nerd had called you over. 

it didn’t help that deku sat right behind him, either. the two of you had recently gotten closer. bakugou noticed it last month when he yelled at the two of you to shut up about all might and get to work. he’d turned around to find you leaning over deku, hands resting on his shoulders while you peered at his phone. 

“sorry, bakugou,” you’d said, barely acknowledging him. you had waved him off like an annoying fly. is that all you were to him? some nuisance that got in the way of your oh-so-entertaining conversations with deku? 

all he heard nearly every day was your chipper voice talking to deku. always, “oh my gosh, midoriya, did you see the fight edgeshot was in last night?” or “midoriya! i have something to add to our quirk analysis book!” 

that was the one that took the cake. you two dorks shared a notebook, occasionally passed between one another, and filled it with junk about quirks and pro heroes. but no matter how much he tried to tune you out, no matter how he tried to zone off and think about something else, you were always there. it made him want to vomit how much he thought about you. 

you were doing an adorable shuffle over to midoriya’s desk and leaned over the table as you usually did while he angled his phone your way. “did you see this hero report?” 

deku let you slip the phone out of his grasp to get a better look. 

“no,” you breathed. “was this just recent?” 

“yeah,” deku said, taking the phone back. “last night.” 

“holy—” 

“can you guys shut up over there?” bakugou said, his voice quaking. 

“sorry, kacchan.” deku scrolled through the article. 

dammit, bakugou thought. “i wasn’t talking to you, nerd. i was talking to shitface over here.” he jerked his head towards you. his eyes flared in anger when he saw you were looking down at your phone, now focused in on the article yourself. “i was talking to you, asshat!” 

your eyes flicked up to his. you looked around for a moment before slowly pointing to yourself as if to say, “me?” 

his face scrunched. “yeah, you. you’re so damn loud.” gosh, he hated how his voice was cracking, how he could feel his ears and cheeks lighting up in a swollen, cherry red. his stomach flipped. 

she’s looking at you, gosh i’m sweating. i’m going to throw up. she’s so gorgeous. what the hell? they’re ugly as shit, i don’t think anything of them. 

his eyes bore into yours. 

“did you...need something?” 

your voice broke his trance. 

“kacchan, are you okay? you dozed off there for a second. you look like you’re burning up.” 

bakugou looked to deku who was currently stretching out of his seat, arm extended. he pressed the back of his hand to bakugou’s forehead. “you’re really warm, kacchan. should we call recovery girl?” 

it took him a moment to realize what was happening. his vision got blurry every time he was with you. bakugou smacked deku’s hand away. “i’m fine!” his voice lifted at the end, cracking. “i’m not sick. don’t you think i’d take better care of myself?” 

“i don’t doubt you take good care of yourself, kacchan, but everyone gets sick once in a while. there’s nothing wrong with that.” 

“i never get sick!” besides, if i got sick, i wouldn’t want you to be the one taking care of me. 

he was still pissed. he was always in a bad mood, however, more so right now because you’d gone straight back to your phone and that stupid hero article that was supposedly so damn interesting. 

soon enough, the bell rang, and you were seated at your desk. it was jirou’s old spot, however, after much convincing, you two had switched spots so you could be closer to deku. just a few months of getting close to the idiot and you two are suddenly best friends. jirou hadn’t minded one tiny bit, claiming she needed a break from how loud that section of the room was. 

late as always, aizawa came trudging into your room. thankfully, his entire body wasn’t obscured by a yellow sleeping bag that smelled of something unwashed and coffee and gasoline. (for some reason, aizawa’s clothes always smelled of it.) 

“lucky for you,” he began while shuffling papers on his desk, “all of you are doing training for these first periods.”

the class cheered in perfect unison, followed by their individual chatter. you had erupted with glee along with them, and bakugou was sure he felt his heart clench and then explode. just a tiny bit. but he shoved the feeling down just as quickly as it had come up. 

“go out to the field and wait for further instructions. don’t make a sound in the halls otherwise, i’ll expel all of you.” 

this shut everyone up in almost a second, the sound draining out just as water does. the first years trailed out into the hall, single-file mimicking the positions baby ducklings would take when following their mother. 

bakugou found himself walking faster when he saw you take up your spot in the line, hoping to land his spot right behind you. 

unfortunately, this idiot who considered himself bakugou’s friend tugged him back. “bakugou!” a familiar voice rasped. 

“shitty hair, let go of me.” 

“hey man, chill out. wanna partner up if we’re doing training in pairs?” 

bakugou glanced at the line, the spot that should have been reserved for him now taken up by sato. 

bakugou tugged his sleeve from kirishima’s hand. “whatever,” he snapped. 

“sounds good!” kirishima flashed him a toothy grin and a thumbs-up. the bubbly feeling in bakugou’s chest died down as he stood behind sato, the overwhelming scent of sugar filling his nose, various candies that would go straight to your arteries. 

“you smell like ass, damn,” bakugou remarked, squeezing his nostrils together. 

luckily, sato was tall enough to not hear the insult, as he towered over bakugou by just another head. the line began moving like a sloppy train down to the change rooms. 

bakugou scoffed as he listened to your giggle. he should be making you laugh. 

- 

“you’ll be given partners randomly from this box.” aizawa held up a familiar red box. “inside are all your names. i’ll select one, then that person will come up and pick another name from the box. that will be your assigned partner for today. as soon as you have your assigned partner, i want you guys to get straight to work.” 

denki raised a hand, speaking before being called on. “sensei, why are we getting random partners? we’re always allowed to choose.” 

“in the real world, you’re going to come across different villains every day. you’ll never improve your skills or your quirks if you keep fighting the same person.” 

denki sighed, slumping back. 

dammit, bakugou thought, gritting his teeth together. there wasn’t any way he wanted to be partners with you. it’s obvious he’d win the fight in the first few seconds. 

yes! exactly right! bakugou internally grinned. his fluctuating feelings had finally soothed themselves. you were just another extra, and he had no room for you in his head. 

aizawa took a moment to fiddle with the slips of paper inside the box. soon enough, he pulled out a name. “todoroki.” 

todoroki walked up, digging his hand into the box when aizawa held it out for him. he pulled out a name, delicately unraveling the slip. “uraraka, you’re my partner.” he deadpanned. 

the brunette grinned. “great!” 

the two found their own spot on the field, and the class’s attention was once again diverted to their grouchy teacher as he pulled out another name. 

“bakugou.” 

bakugou strutted up without a worry in his mind. he pulled a name to find... 

“y/n,” he said, voice a low growl. instead of the annoying fluttering in his chest, his eyes met yours, and they were filled with a different, new ferocity. he crumpled the paper in one hand, letting it twirl to the ground. 

you looked at him, unsmiling. your eyes gave away nothing, and to bakugou’s knowledge, all you saw in him was another opponent. 

it took him a moment to realize you had both locked eyes for about a minute. perhaps the two of you would have stayed as you were if aizawa hadn’t snapped at the two of you to get moving as yaomomo’s name was called. 

bakugou was on his way to the back of the field, you followed close behind. while there was plenty of room still, he chose a secluded area. while it was still open enough to view everything going on so nobody got hurt, it was often nobody chose to train here. for whatever reason, you weren’t sure. 

“wait up, bakugou,” you said. after a bit, you caught up to him. 

“if you can’t keep up, then...” then what? he looked at you from the side of his eye. “then don’t keep up...” gosh, here came the embarrassing, disgusting feeling of redness in his cheeks. 

you laughed. “what?” 

“shut up.” 

“you’re an idiot, bakugou.” 

“i said shut the hell up!”

“what, so you can call me shitface in front of the entire class but you get all pissed when i call you an idiot?” 

so you had heard him! 

he tongued his cheek, curling his hands around an invisible ball, explosions sparking in the centers of his palms. “don’t expect me to hold back, dumbass.” 

“i wouldn’t dream of it.” 

gosh he loved that about you. 

bakugou caught his thought in the air. 

ahem...gosh he hated that about you. 

you both charged in at the same time. his cry was louder than yours, but you struck first. 

he admired your quirk. while he’d overhead you explaining all the drawbacks it had, it was strong, and you were strong because you knew how to control it. 

purple arrows flew from your arms, going in your desired directions. if you lost focus for one moment, they’d vanish and weaken. if you focused too hard or long, you’d be plagued by a splitting headache. 

he’d spent too much time obsessing over your strengths and weaknesses.  

your arrows were weightless, however they were solid objects capable of carrying any mass, any thing, and worked as extensions of your body. 

the violet arrow had shot out at him, twisting around his right gauntlet and crushing inwards. it’d snaked around him without him noticing, slithering along his back. 

bakugou struggled to get the air-light arrow off his wrist, but it was no use. he glared back, only to see your focused, furrowed brows. he’d expected to see your cocky ass smiling. it was nice to see you weren’t. 

that was one thing that had also caught his eye. you never underestimate your opponent, but you never underestimate yourself, either. 

you conjured a larger arrow. it snaked around your right arm as you hurled bakugou into the air, releasing your grasp on him. you shot your other arrow into the air, and it raced into the sky. 

it swerved. bakugou’s eyes went wide as the tip of the arrow came down on his chest. if they weren’t intangible things, he would have been bleeding out. 

another drawback: the arrows, while they could solidify, they couldn’t do any actual damage. you had to use your surroundings to inflict harm on your opponent. 

he coughed out as the arrow shot him into the ground. he hadn’t even touched you, and here he was, vulnerable and so...so... 

you stood over him, hands on your hips. 

vulnerable and so lost in that adorable, winning smile. 

“get away from me, idiot,” he grunted and turned onto his side, his back crying out in pain. 

“i think i won this fight, bakugou,” you chirped, rocking on your heels. 

“don’t get arrogant, shithead. you won’t be winning against me anymore.” 

you grinned, arrows shooting out behind your back. 

- 

the dorms were exceptionally quiet. you were typing away in the common room, bakugou on the couch reading. everyone was off doing something else. it was the weekend, luckily. he’d expected you to go bounding out with everyone else, however you’d stayed back, claiming you had some homework to catch up on. 

bakugou being classic bakugou had stayed back. he was excited to have the dorm to himself, but your dumbass was stuck here with him. couldn’t you have done your typing in your room? 

you were so aggressive on that poor keyboard. 

“oi, quiet down with your shit typing.” 

you barely grunted in response. 

“don’t ignore me.” 

“i heard you, mom.” 

“the hell did you call me?” 

no response. only your aggressive typing is a bit less aggressive. 

“i can still hear it,” bakugou remarked, eyes fixed on your back. 

“‘kay,” you said. your typing slowed a tad, and your pressure on the keys lessened. 

it was quiet now. bakugou should go back to his book. he shouldn’t still be looking for a reason to talk to you. 

the pages crinkled in his fingers. he bit his tongue, keeping his snarky comments in. 

“you’re a fucking idiot, you know that? doing your damn homework. it’s due tomorrow.” 

you turned, pursing your lips. “and how would you know what i’m working on? are you stalking me?” 

“i- what? no. you’re such an idiot, of course i’m not—” 

“i’m messing with you,” you breathed, face un-moving. 

“o-oh,” bakugou stuttered out. he blinked awkwardly. 

“gosh, what’s gotten your panties in a twist?” 

“you’re annoying.” 

“you’re a jackass.” you returned to your work. bakugou settled with reading in his room. reading consisted of jumping onto his bed just as the stereotypical high school girl would in an eighties movie. he buried his face in his pillow, face burning bright red. he cursed you for making him feel this way, and hated himself even more for how much he enjoyed it. 

- 

the next day came swiftly. you’d left early to go train with midoriya. there were many improvements needed to be made, but you weren’t doing too bad.

you propelled yourself forwards with an arrow, and your green-haired friend shot back, lightning flickering around his body. 

landing back on the ground, you panted and swiped the sweat from your brow. from the corner of your eye, you could make out both kirishima and bakugou coming to the training grounds. 

bakugou stopped in his tracks, frowning at the sight of you. 

it was evident he hated you a bit more than everyone else. he was always making his annoying comments, he was always snubbing you. you saw no reason to talk to him, so you didn’t. either way, even if you tried, he would still get angry for no reason. 

it’d taken you quite some time to get used to his obnoxious attitude. tuning him out had been the best course of action, in your opinion. 

the way you and midoriya had bonded was through bakugou, in a way. the first day of school, bakugou had snapped at you for tripping over your laces and nearly crashing into him. later that day, midoriya had stepped up and apologized for his old friend’s actions. 

you two had never been too close until now. the recent incidents going on with the league of villains had snagged your attention, and it seemed you were the only person who didn’t mind listening to him ramble on about heroes. 

you were just as passionate and just as dorky, but midoriya could talk your ear off. you never minded, and he always took the hint when you didn’t want to listen. 

you brought your leg up, twirling in the air with ease and watched your heel collide with midoriya’s face. he grunted, stumbling back. 

you were about to charge in again when a hand landed on your shoulder, big and rough. you turned to see bakugou standing behind you, a scowl on his face. 

“fight me again,” he demanded. 

“excuse me?” 

“don’t act like you didn’t hear me.” 

“i’m in the middle of fighting midoriya right now.” 

“so?”

“so if you think that i’m just going to ditch my friend because you want to fight, i won’t.” 

“you’re being stubborn.” 

“i’m being reasonable. back off.” 

“y/n?” midoriya rubbed his jaw—right where you had struck him. “what’s going on?” he jogged up to you and bakugou. 

“he wants to fight me in the middle of our fight. it’s nothing serious. don’t worry about it, midoriya. let’s just ignore him.” 

bakugou made a sound someone would only make if they were choking. “the hell did you just say?” 

“we’re ignoring you!” you waved him off and placed your hand on midoriya’s shoulder, wandering away. 

-

it was new to him, not getting what he wanted. and what he wanted right now was to be around you. again, it wasn’t like he would ever admit that to himself. 

“dude? you good? i thought you went off to fight y/n. i was so ready to cheer you on, dude,” kirishima’s chipper voice piped in. “she’s not fighting with you? why not?” 

“the dumbass was just probably scared of getting her ass beat by me.” 

“dude...that sounds really weird.” 

“whatever, shitty hair. let’s go.” 

- 

the clock ticked. his ears were on fire. again. 

gosh, it was happening again. it was all you. his face scrunched up, his voice would surely crack if someone were to ask him what was wrong. 

bakugou was once again stuffing his face in his pillow, hiding his expression from no one. why did you have to go train with that shitty nerd? why were you always around deku? deku, of all people. what did he have? why was he so great? 

bakugou was a man of many insecurities, but losing to deku? that was possibly his biggest fear. 

perhaps he wasn’t the nicest, or the most soft person out there. bakugou could admit that, at least. but he was smarter than deku. he was stronger and he was better and people liked him more. right? 

what was so...amazing about deku? 

it was often bakugou would find himself obsessing over little, insignificant things such as these. 

you were what he was thinking of most of the time. just yesterday, he’d gotten a test returned. he was expecting an eighty at the lowest, but more so expecting a high ninety. it’d come back exactly sixty percent. 

sixty. percent.

bakugou vividly remembered staring at your face. he also remembered not being able to focus because of it. his grades were dropping because of you. 

you were the only person to be able to do this to him. 

his heart grew quiet, but the pounding of his didn’t cease. he lifted his head. 

“alright, fine,” he said aloud. “you win, y/n. you win.” 

he settled with getting over his feelings the way he’d read them in his collection of romance manga. 

bakugou left his room and knocked on your door. (he was banging on it, but it was his nice way of knocking.) 

you answered, looking around awkwardly. “yes?” 

his hands shook. how was this supposed to go? sure, he’d seen it in romance movies and read it in books but it was always easy to tell whether the guy would get the girl or not. 

in this instance, bakugou was clueless. for once in his life, he was clueless. you stood, tapping your foot with a hand on your hip, waiting expectantly for him to tell you why he was here. 

“um.” he scratched behind his neck. “you uh- i uh...i’m sorry i called you a, um...a shitface.” 

“okay? is that it?” 

what? come on! it was already unlike him to apologize. what else did you want from him? 

“did you...i’ve been thinking, maybe? maybe we could..train together as...friends?”  

“...what?” 

gosh dammit, as friends? 

“whatever, um...the uh...” oh gosh, what did the boys do in all the books he’d read? right! bakugou stretched out his arm, resting his forearm on the door, leaning to the side. 

although he didn’t, really, because like the clumsy jackass he was, bakugou missed completely and nearly toppled to the floor. 

this earned a snicker from you. 

his stomach flipped and churned, and bakugou found himself unable to reach your eyes. “uh, would you maybe..? okay, um. do you want to go on a date with me? you absolute fucking dumbass.” 

your eyes flew wide. “...what?” 

“no, that’s not what i— i mean i didn’t mean the last part. um, i meant the first part. the first two parts. the part where i was asking you if you wanted to go on a date with me and then before that when i said maybe because it’s still a maybe until you say yes. or...or no because that’s an option too.” 

he swallowed. 

you resisted the urge to mock him, just a little bit. “um, bakugou, listen.” 

he leaned closer. “yes?” 

“it’s going to be a no. i’m sorry, but i’m just not interested in you like that.” 

it took him a moment to register everything. his shoulders sagged. gosh that was brutal. 

“oh, alright.” 

“yeah, uh, sorry about that.” you offered him a weak smile, still a bit shocked yourself. he did his best to return it, and when you closed the door, his face was ready to explode. 

it was so damn difficult to deal with these feelings, but maybe it was better this way. knowing where you stood on your end, he knew he wouldn’t miss out on anything. 

perhaps it was alright to admire from afar. things could happen in the future, right? 

right now, he’d just wait. for a long, long time. bakugou pressed a hand to his chest, feeling his erratic heartbeat. maybe it was alright to not have you right now. perhaps he could better himself for you. just for you. 

[septembersghost]

Jess, honey, hey! How are you?? I'm so happy you're back!!! ❤️

Your post about Kim popped up and I'm gonna say that... yeah. Actually the longer time passes, the less right the final episodes sit with me. I mean they TRIED to give us the most hopeful possible ending, and the first time I watched it seemed really good, but now I just don't know. It truly seems like Kim became the ghost of her former self, like she is gone and I don't know if she's ever coming back. I'm happy that both her and Jimmy are alive and, who knows, maybe they have a shot at rebuilding their relationship, maybe Kim will become a lawyer once again, maybe she'll find herself and shine in her true light, but we will never know. I just want her to come back. I just want her to become brilliant and dedicated and passionate and larger than life again, she's honestly one of my two MOST beloveds female characters EVER, and thinking about her arc and how she appeared in Waterworks especially makes me sad.

Which also makes me think (I'm sorry for going off-topic here) final seasons and specifically the endings are hard, and the more we love the story, the more we love and connect with the characters, the harder those endings hit and the more difficult it is for them to be truly satisfying. I got into one show a few months back (as in podcast), and I fell in love with it so much and especially fell in love with two main characters who are also in love with each other. They became my number one favorite OTP (kid you not, even more than Kim and Jimmy, which surprised me.) I'm close to the final season and the anxiety levels I have about this and the actual finale are going through the roof. I've never actually talked about this, but I do worry. What if they destroy my boys? What if the whole thing ends up in a big tragedy and that is it? What if it's never gonna be okay? What if the final episodes are just... bad? It's been STELLAR so far but I know how shows in their final seasons can get.

Like, so far I can name only two shows whose finales really, fully satisfied me, and the others were either just plain awful, or sort of okay-ish, but I have my issues with them (BCS is the latter.)

Anyway, sorry for this rant and I would really love to hear your thoughts about Kim (that is, when your wrist is doing okay and fully healed.) Btw, you can call me Ellie!

ELLIE!!! omg it makes me so happy to be able to use your name because i have been too shy ALL these many months to ask what you like to be called?! HI! ILU!!! and i always love your long messages, rants or otherwise! my hand/wrist are healing a bit and not as painful, though i'm still trying to be careful, thank you for asking! <3

i have had many emotionally overwrought private discussions about kim and the way she was ultimately treated, and it's a couple of mutuals who have had me wanting to mull it over and work through it a bit more recently too, because they've expressed some thoughtful criticisms that have hit me hard.

it's curious, because i think we maybe had a bit of an emotionally shell-shocked reaction to the amount of things they threw at us in S6B, and while i did express some feelings of hurt/being disconcerted at the time, it has also gotten worse for me the further we've gotten from the show. they tried, but they also kind of...didn't?...and it leaves us in this odd liminal space where it feels like they 1. were painted into a corner because of brba and could not find a creative way around that; 2. they forgot the key principles that the show was built upon because they, at that last hour, prioritized plot over character; 3. they wanted to have their cake and eat it too by serving us both wrenching tragedy and some sense of hope, so ended up with a lukewarm mix of both while not entirely serving either.

i'm going to quote @boboodenkirk because she wrote such astute replies that i don't think i can phrase it better, i hope she doesn't mind (bold is mine): "as for me i guess at first i felt such need for comfort from the show, that i just tried so hard to find the good and forget the bad about 6b. i liked the ending at first because from 609 on i'd been feeling like every new ep was…painful for pain's sake. the breakup was so messy and rushed, 611 to me felt like "propaganda" trying to convince you jimmy's a monster, 612 was heartbreaking, so i guess 613 at first felt like breathing again. but then i look back at it from a "safer" distance. and i realized that there were to many things that just seemed rushed, forced and contradictory to me. and as you said, as time passes, the feeling of disappointment just gets more and more intrusive. maybe i'll try and voice them? you've got a break up that somehow doesn't sit well with me, maybe because it was too abrupt, maybe because parts of the script in 609 just seemed a bit… melodramatic. but i could accept it, i guess, if that was kim running away from herself as fast as she could…but the divorce scene? that is angst p*rn ffs. why would she stick around? why would he "become saul" so quickly? i know this is my personal taste, but still…it feels different and worse. which brings me to the characters arcs being suddenly dictated by the plot and not vice versa. after the messy and rushed breakup (followed by a divorce scene that just seemed a bit sadistic), you've got them trying and trying to paint jimmy as THE villain. don't get me wrong, saul is awful and did plenty wrong, but this universe was never about balancing morality and choices with the justice system. it was about balancing those choices with yourself those you love, and those you hurt. in my eyes, they went on a mission to demonize jimmy so you'd feel okay with him being 86 years in prison. but i don't. the rampage he goes into after kim's phonecall makes absolutely no sense to me, because that's not him. they made him worse and worse and i think it was just so that his final good deed would look "cooler". while kim? kim annihilated herself. and 612 is another perfect example of pain for pain's sake. and instead of, dunno, having her trying to figure out how much she's """responsible""" for jimmy's becoming the worst version of himself (which is something i'd have loved to see) and dealing with guilt, vince said hey!!! let's make her bf a misogynistic asshole but somehow funny!!! let's turn doubtful consensual sex into a meme!!! and, eventually, she almost felt like a means to an end. she was there so jimmy could "repent", but where was the depth of her new storyline? you can't show that level of complete and utter self loathing and sabotage and think that "yeah, but see? she's volunteering at a legal aid center now" will somehow be the right answer to all of the deep questions her annihilation raised." <- i legitimately feel like she plucked this from my brain.

one of my biggest problems was, and continues to be, the way they very quickly tore the characters apart and then tore them down, in a way that vilified one and utterly destroyed another, for...misery? to prove a point about morality? part of the strength and even genius of these shows was that they never moralized AT us, they were so brilliant and intelligent and challenged us without talking down to us in regards to the justice system, in regards to human failings, in the deep, murky gray of destructive choices and hurt/harm and the interplay of that with empathetic connection, and how those terrible actions and downfalls happened, and what the legacy left in the wake of that was. where the humanity could possibly remain. how "justice" doesn't necessarily lie in a system, and isn't equated to revenge. how certain amends can never be made, but where the decisions lie within that tragedy, and what one can do (if anything) to change, to look at those shifting sands and make something of them. it's why the end of breaking bad works so well - there is no absolution for anyone, but there is the heavy consequence and the hope of slowly building something else.

they were aiming for that in a way with bcs, but it didn't quite get there. all of us know logically that hope is absent in those 86 years, but we keep trying to convince ourselves it's there and a release is possible. we get hardly anything with kim because she is utterly stripped of her agency and her strength and she barely speaks. (as i've said, it's beyond my understanding why kim doesn't even get a flashback when she is literally the center for jimmy. we get those scenes between all the main men that verge on the cynical and yet...nothing with her to provide some realized meaning? really?) which is what makes her depressingly feel like a means to an end - they built up this incredible, empowering female character only to CRUSH her, force her to annihilate herself and run from everything she was, surrender her agency (which was the key to her character's existence), and never return any of her power to her. she's left to her silence and her paralyzed inability to decide anything and then to jimmy's whims - even though what jimmy conclusively does is for her and a kind of reclamation, she has no say in the matter, no ability to affect it. she's barely recognizable, but in a way that doesn't work for me. it just...it makes me ache a bit that such a brilliant, wonderful, complex female character was diminished in such a staggering way. that she's basically a plot device, when she was NEVER that. her existence boils down to being the catalyst, abandoning jimmy to force him into the final descent of becoming saul, and then having no power or arc of her own to lead to the ending. she deserved to be more than a ghost. she deserved to be an active participant, like she always was. and i can't get over the fact that it feels like a uniquely female punishment, to silence and make her smaller the way that they did.

It truly seems like Kim became the ghost of her former self, like she is gone and I don't know if she's ever coming back. I'm happy that both her and Jimmy are alive and, who knows, maybe they have a shot at rebuilding their relationship, maybe Kim will become a lawyer once again, maybe she'll find herself and shine in her true light, but we will never know. I just want her to come back. I just want her to become brilliant and dedicated and passionate and larger than life again, she's honestly one of my two MOST beloveds female characters EVER, and thinking about her arc and how she appeared in Waterworks especially makes me sad. <- you also could've taken this directly from my thoughts. :(

endings ARE very hard, no doubt! and i have immense respect and regard for vince and peter and these actors and this creative team, and deep, abiding love for this show, which is another thing that's made it hard to criticize. it's not a violent shock and horrific wound in the way certain other endings have been (you KNOW what i'm referring to). it's difficult to get a story to a right and fulfilling conclusion - i can think of a handful of shows that managed it and all are shining little exceptions to the rule (ironically, i still maintain brba is undoubtedly one). far more often, they're either disappointing, saddening, or utterly ruinous. it's challenging to get them just right, and maybe it's nearly impossible to satisfy everyone when our connections to stories are so subjective. sometimes we're forced to accept sort of okay-ish because at least it's better than irreconcilable pain and destruction, but i feel like we still have the right to criticize things that don't ultimately sit well with us. it's been harder for me to process with bcs because i did trust peter and vince so much and it was hard to realize how let down i felt, and because i just wanted to cling to the comfort i got from the show and the way i loved it, but the more i've stayed quiet, the more discomfited i've been and that hurt has festered a bit.

the more we love and connect with the characters, the harder those endings hit and the more difficult it is for them to be truly satisfying. agreed.

never apologize for your thoughts and rants! tbh i could talk about kim forever, and despite what happened, it doesn't take away how vitally important she is to me. i truly hope your show ends well and is satisfying and doesn't take anything away from the characters you love. let me know!!! *hugs you tight* 💙💙💙

[kerie-prince]

forgotten birthdays

Fred Weasley x Slytherin!reader

requested: (anon) Hiii, can I request something aangsty with Fred Weasley and slytherin reader? Like he got mad for something, maybe jealousy bc reader was spending much time with her house mates and he ignores her or says mean things to her but with a happy ending please 🥺

warnings: language

summary: Fred has his suspicions about your best friend and on the day of your birthday, he crosses the line which causes you to rethink your relationship

a/n: yoo this was hard to write for a quick second lol i hope you enjoy ~ plus, i got a new job so i'm in training and i'm so excited bc i've been wanting this job for so long (y/n/n = your nickname)

(gif not mine, cred to owner)

It was getting irritating.

You love Fred with all your heart, but he needed to stop being jealous. Marcus Flint was, is, and always will just be a friend of yours. You two grew up together and are nearly attached to the hip. Never once had you two of you flirted or done anything together. It was purely platonic, but Fred insisted there was something.

And going to Marcus’ prefect dorm after every fight probably didn't help your cause all that well, but he's your best friend. Who else would you talk to? You didn't have many girlfriends and when Fred introduced you to Angelina, you had gotten into a big fight for no reason. But you never asked him to stop hanging out with her even though you wanted to.

You could tell she liked Fred, but you were confident enough to know that Fred would never do you wrong like that. So why does he think that of you? Why does he get to hang out with Angelina, but he gets angry when you barely say two words to Marcus?

It was hard, but you’d work it out and still love each other at the end of the day. But then your birthday came around, and you’d just about had it.

You woke up in a good mood; the river sent in flowing rays of sunlight. Not too blinding, but not too dim either. This would be the second time celebrating your birthday with your boyfriend and if last year was amazing, you couldn't wait to see what Fred had planned for you today.

You took your time getting ready; you put on more make-up than usual and rather than tying your hair up with a clip as you always did, you let it down and fixed some strays to better frame your face. When you walked into the common room, your best friend snuck up behind you and yelled in your ear, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Y/N!”

Your natural response was to duck down and cover your ears. You hated when he did that, but you still appreciate the sentiment. You punched his arm as you laughed. “That’s not funny.”

“Oh yeah, then why did I laugh?” Marcus joked. Malfoy and his friends were behind him chuckling, all boys greeting you and wishing you a happy birthday. Marcus flung his arm around your shoulder and walked with you to get breakfast.

Once in the Great Hall, you saw Fred and his friends all laughing at the Gryffindor table and just when you were about to break free from Marcus’ hold, he pulled you back, “Oh no you don’t. You have all day to hang out with Weasley and company, but right now, you are gonna have at least one meal with your best friend.” You weren't going to argue; you didn't want to. If you wanted to sit with Fred, you wouldn't have to put up a fight, you would just do it. At your Slytherin table were Marcus’ other friends, Adrian Pucey and Terence Higgs. You sat in between them and pulled your hood up when they started embarrassing you by singing a birthday song. It was starting to be a great day.

However, across the Hall was Fred glaring daggers at your best friends’ arm around you. He couldn't hear what was going on, either due to the fact that you were pretty far from where he sat, or from jealous rage. “Freddie, you alright?” George asked his brother. “Yeah, just fine, Georgie.” He couldn't stand Flint. He would be enraged with every glance towards you, every whisper in your ear during class, and every time he made you laugh. Fred was sure that Flint was in love with you, but because you grew up with him you were too blind to see it. He was convinced that at any given moment, your ‘best friend’ would take advantage of you.

What also made him upset is that not only did you let Flint wrap his arm around you, you didn't even come say hi to your boyfriend. You always came every morning to his table to give him a morning kiss and sometimes even sat at the Gryffindor table.

In potions class, you sat and waited for your boyfriend to come through the doors. You weren't sure what to expect from him. Fred is an absolute wild card and could come through those doors with anything. And no matter what he brought, he’d for sure get in trouble with Snape.

When he walked through the doors with his brother and Lee, you sat up straight in your seat and waved at him. He saw you, but instead of smiling at you and taking the seat next to yours, he just looked away and sat on the other side of the room. Did something happen? You chose to ignore it until lunch rolled around and he still hadn't come up to you to even say ‘hi’ to you. Had he forgotten your birthday? It could happen, but that doesn't explain why he looked to be in a bad mood.

Once your classes were finished, you walked up the changing stairs and said the password to the Gryffindor dorms. You remembered the updated password your boyfriend gave you the week before and it was your first time using it today.

You didn't know what to expect to see; you secretly wished that today was just a big prank and Fred had actually planned a surprise party of some sort. But when you stepped foot into the room filled with tones of red and gold, there was no party. Just Fred laughing with his friends like normal. Normal without you.

Lee’s laugh died down when he noticed you walking up to Fred. He noticed Lee getting quiet all of a sudden and asked him, “Why are you quiet all of a sudden?” He felt a tap on his shoulder and spun around. “What are you doing in here?”

“Why, are Slytherins not allowed inside?” you joked. Your voice was slightly quiet and had a slight sad tone to it. “I missed you today, is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Fine. I've just been busy. Like you have,” Fred didn't mean to sound so bitter, but he was getting tired of it. He was tired of being second best to Flint.

“What are you talking about?” you asked.

“You've been with Flint all day,” Fred explained himself. You rolled your eyes, two fingers grabbing the temple of your nose from it suddenly starting to become irritated like you were. “Merlin, this again? Freddie, we talked about this. Marcus is just a friend. He's my best friend.”

Fred scoffed, “Y/N/N, you may think that but he doesn't. You trust him too much to see it, but I do. He's not just a friend.”

“You’re friends with Angelina when you know she likes you. And I know it too, but I don't say anything because I don't want to be that girlfriend who controls her boyfriends,” you were tired of playing this game with him. Your voice was heard by everyone in the room and soon enough, tons of peers had all eyes on you. Some either decided to stay, and some like Neville decided to head straight into their dorm rooms and lock the door for safety.

“Me being friends with Angelina is nothing like you being friends with Flint and you know that,” Fred raised his voice louder than anyone’s probably heard him. George and Lee silently guided people out of the common room and up to the dorms. Some people looked over the stairs to get a view of the commotion downstairs. One of them being Angelina herself when she heard her name being called out.

“No you’re right, it's different because he’s not pining over me and waiting for me to become available,” your arms were flailing about in anger, pointing at nothing to put emphasis in your words.

“How many times do I have to say I don’t like Ang? It’s never going to happen!” Angelina heard from up the staircase. Everyone heard him, loud and clear. She ran into her dorm and slammed the door so hard that you could feel the walls shake. “Great,” Fred sighed in frustration. It wasn't the ideal way to let someone down. He intended on talking to her in private without listening ears so she wouldn't be embarrassed.

“I'm not saying you like Angelina. I know you don’t like Angelina. What I’m saying is that you’re wrong about Marcus. I know he doesn't like me, you're just acting insecure,” you yelled back at him..

“I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to see he has feelings for you, Y/N/N,” Fred yelled, “I see the way he looks at you in every class and in the Hall. But you’re too fucking stupid to see–,” he immediately stopped what he was saying.

You couldn't believe what he was telling you right now. You could handle him calling you naive, but stupid? This was low, even for him.

You were getting stares from everyone in the common room. Your pride was more than hurt in this moment; it was destroyed. No words came from your mouth as you were completely still in your seat on the couch. Your nails dug into your skin as it was formed into a tight fist. But the worst of all was that your lips were quivering and you had to fight the tears on your birthday.

Your fucking birthday.

“Well if it bothers you so much, then fine. I'll fix the problem,” you started to speak low for only him to hear you.

“How?”

“I’ll end the problem,” a single tear escaped and trailed down your cheeks. This was the last thing you wanted to do today, but you couldn't take it anymore. He was scared to ask, but his ego got in the way, “And what's the problem?”

“Us,” you stated. He started saying something, but you couldn't hear it as you left. No, you actively ignored everything he was saying at that point. The second you were outside, you started bawling. And you kept at it all the way to the Slytherin common room and into your room.

You paced around your room rubbing your hands on your arms to try and calm yourself down, but nothing was working. Before you even processed it, your legs took you to Marcus’ room without second thought. You continuously knocked on his door until he answered, shirtless and with sweatpants that looked like they were just thrown on.

“Listen, I know it’s your birthday but that doesn't mean that you can do whatever you want–,” he focused in on your face and saw your red cheeks and puffy eyes. You looked behind him and there was a girl with him who sat in his bed looking curious. He looked back to her and just simply ordered, “Out,” which got her moving in seconds.

Once she was gone, he pulled you in and shut his door. Marcus guided you to a black leather chair in his room. “Sit,” his voice was stern, but never harsh with you. “What happened?”

As if by cue, you broke down completely. “It's o-o-over.”

“What is?” he questioned. But piecing it together, there's only one reason you'd be this upset in his room.

He never really knew what to do in situations like when you'd have your usual arguments, always just telling you that everything will be fine and you and Fred would be fine in the morning.

But now, he was feeling two things. One, slight heartache that his best friend is upset in front of him and two, nearly absolute rage that Fred is such an idiot.

Marcus started rubbing your back, “Hey, look at me.” When you shook your head no, he gently tapped on your shoulders until you did. “You are gonna be fine. Okay? You will be fine. There's plenty of other guys here–”

“I don't want to be with other guys, Marcus. I want Fred. I love Fred. But,” you shrugged up both hands, “I don't know. I don't know.” Your best friend pulled you in for a hug.

“Hey, sleep here tonight. You shouldn't be alone right now, especially today.” You nodded your head and kept crying until you couldn't anymore.

—

“HEY!” Marcus’ voice traveled beyond the corridors. Students were fleeing left and right to move out of his way as he made a straight line towards the group of Gryffindors who sat around a tree outside.

Before they could react to what was going on, Marcus punched one of the tall gingers in his abdomen. “OW, what was that for?!”

“You're going to apologize to Y/N right now,” Marcus demanded.

“You idiot, I'm George,” he corrected, still bent over and leaning on Lee for balance. “Shit, sorry.” Marcus looked at Fred and punched him in the same area quicker before Fred could block it. “You're going to apologize to Y/N.”

With a strain in his voice, Fred looked at the Slytherin in front of him, “What for, she broke up with me.”

“Okay, why? Because you're pathetic and insecure.”

“Is that what she told you?” Fred straightened himself up rubbing on the pain. “Of course she told you, she tells you everything.”

“Yeah, why wouldn't she? I'm her cousin,” Marcus pointed out. If he wasn't so mad, he would laugh at Fred's look of astonishment.

“No, you have different family names. And you don't even look related,” Fred wasn't buying it.

“That's because when I was eight, my dad married her aunt. I'm still her cousin,” Marcus explained.

“She never told me anything, how was I supposed to know?” Fred complained. George and his other friends left the two to argue by themselves but stood at a close enough distance to hear the conversation and be able to jump in if it were to get violent.

“Maybe if you got your head out of your ass, you would actually pay attention to her,” Marcus used his pointer finger to push against Fred’s forehead which caused the ginger to swat his hand away. “So get over whatever complex you have and apologize. If I'm being honest, there's plenty of Slytherins that can treat her better but she wants you for some reason.”

Fred knew he was right. And it was that reason why he always felt the way he did. You were enamored by many housemates, all handsome and rich. But you didn't like any of them. You love Fred. You love the lanky, devious, modestly handsome, funny Gryffindor more than anyone you've ever met.

Fred didn't say anything and walked away. His brother was asking where he was going but he didn't answer. Before he was out of Marcus’ sight, the Slytherin said one last thing, “By the way, I hope you know it was her birthday yesterday.”

Fuck. He picked up his pace and ran towards the dungeons. Halfway there, he figured that he didn't want to show up empty handed, so he made a detour to the greenhouse to 'borrow’ some flowers from Sprout’s personal garden.

You sat on one of the couches in your common room. Across from you was Adrian and Terence, arguing about some Ravenclaw girl. Some younger students passed by and whispered amongst themselves to which you didn't pay any mind to until you heard a third year say something about a Weasley being outside.

You knew it wasn't Ron because after his second year break in with Harry, he vowed that he'd never do it again. You stood up and nearly sprinted outside.

Fred was standing awkwardly outside. He tried to get a student to ask for you to come outside but they would all just scrunch their noses in disgust and keep walking. “Annoying little–”

“What are you doing here?” you asked. Your arms were crossed and you slouched your shoulders a bit. Fred noticed how your cheeks were swollen and the bags under your eyes were tinted a rosy pink. In his left hand, there was a single, large sunflower. He raised it in front of you, hoping you would accept it. “You know I’m allergic to those, right?”

Fred’s eyes bulged out. There is no way I didn't know this. Figuring he’s had enough torture, you spoke again, “I’m joking.”

“O-oh. Heh.” You grabbed the flower from him. “I’m… really sorry. I was such an arse–”

“You are an arse,” you corrected. “Yeah, you’re right. I should have trusted Flint. I should have trusted you. And if you’d let me, I want to prove that I do.”

You released a deep sigh and rubbed your forehead. “Freddie. You have to mean it this time. I can't keep going back and forth with you like this. You can't throw a fit every time I hang out with Marcus. Or Adrian. Or Terence.”

“So is that a yes?” Fred persisted. You looked at him properly in his eyes; he seemed sincere this time. And you could only hope that he was. With a nod of your head, Fred broke into smiles and picked you up from the floor and twirled you around. Your head was still sore from all the crying the night before, but you still had a smile on your face.

When he put you down, he took the hand that wasn't holding the flower and walked with you to the Great Hall for food. “So when were you going to tell me that Flint is your cousin?”

“I figured you’d find out at a family gathering or something had you waited a little longer.” He pinched your nose in response, “And you call me devious.”

—

requests open!

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi Steph. I hope you're doing lovely. I've been having a few low days and went to watch my usual comfort show and get a little bit of Johnlock, but for some reason it just made me sadder. I know that there's really no chance of s5 anymore, and have for some time, but always had that spark of hope anyway. I think it's dead now. Neither BC or MF seem the littlest bit interested in finishing it, and actually seem against it at this point. They sure won't talk about it in interviews. And they seem like they are actively avoiding each other and any mention of the show. Which is weird since it's really what put them in the spotlight, they should still be able to discuss it. It's just depressing to think that such a wonderful show and actors who appeared to be friends had to end this way, leaving a bad taste behind for Sherlock. I guess I'm rambling, but just wanted to get it out to someone who would understand. I miss being a fan of something so amazing. And sad that it's really completely over. 😭😭😭

Hey Nonny *hugs*

Yeah, I'm actually in the same camp. Of course I HOPE for more, since they never TECHNICALLY cancelled it, but not if no one wants to do it and not if Mofftiss want us to believe that S4 was real and write S5 like nothing happened. I mean I still love speculating myself.

But you don't have to stop "being a fan"! We have SO much love and content here, from essays, to stories, to art... it's so wonderful, and we've really made the series ours. And honestly, so many of our writers have written better S5's or S4 rewrites than we probably would have gotten, and I think that's worth celebrating. This fandom will be here for a long time – I know lots of "old" fandoms are still around, and the Holmes fandom has been around for more than a century, it's gonna take more than a poorly written season of S4 to get rid of us. We have Ritchie Holmes 3 to look forward to, if you need a happy thing to have <3

I'm sorry you're having a rough go, Nonny. There's still so much to love about being here, and there's still lots of fun to be had to still speculate and heck if you want to remain helpful, that's okay too! I think as long as we stay realistic while still remaining hopeful is a good place to be. I hope you're alright <3

[victorianpining]

Dear Rebekah,

I saw from your comeback video that you went on to apologize to people who you feel that you have 'disappointed' with TJLC explained but frankly, I think you did not disappoint anyone but instead, 'enriched' the experience.

If you experienced any hate and pain during s4 and the finale, I am certain the comments were fueled with emotional rage and mostly the feel of betrayal not because of you, but because of the showrunners. You did not let us down. Moffat ang Gatiss let us down.

It was not your fault that people watched your videos and it wasn't your fault that they believed in johnlock because as far as I know, even before the BBC adaptation, the ship has always existed one way or another.

I know that these words are years late and I know that you have been healing a lot since then, but I wish to tell you that you were never really at fault. Like I said above, you albeit 'enriched' the whole journey and I'm sorry for all the pain you had to go through because of this, a show that was supposed to give us happiness instead of heavy amounts of stress we already experience daily.

I just wanted to send you this, as you seem like such a kind person and the way you approached the ship is a lot more mature and fully analyzed than how other (and newer) fandoms do analysis videos these days which are often superficial and one offs without basis.

I don't expect a reply since it might open wounds that have already healed or reignite a fire that has already been put off. I just wanted to send you a message and tell you how I, as one of the many johnlock shippers truly believe that the showrunners queerbaited and overall disappointed us-- THEY DISAPPOINTED US. NOT YOU.

I look forward to your s4 fic because we truly need a proper ending for Sherlock, one that the show did not give us. It will surely be a lot better than what was given to us years ago.

P.S.

If S5 does happen, and that's a big 'IF' esp since BC and MF are both in the MCU now, I do hope you come back. They did say that S5 wasn't off the table. Until then, I shall cling onto hope that maybe, just maybe in 2022 or 2023 (or whenever they decide to come back, IF they do), they'll finally serve us the 'proper' dinner we deserve. :)

take care and have a good day!

x

Thank you, I appreciate it! 

I've gotten a similar assumption a few times, so I feel like I should clarify that I never saw any people involved blaming me for series 4. That was all me. Before s4 I gave myself some credit for helping to make the fandom experience more enjoyable and hopeful, so I just instinctively flipped that when I saw people devastated after tfp. I had helped them be sure it was going to be good, and they were suffering now because of it. I felt that was every bit as much my responsibility as any good impact I had.

I've heard someone else talk about when you're in a bad mental space, it feels like all of the kind voices around you are either lying or are just wrong and you start intentionally seeking out criticism and it feels more true because it feels like what you deserve. And that's what I did.

It's been five years now though. So when you guys have (very generously) said that you didn't blame me for what happened, I heard you, and I am making the conscious choice to take your word for it. I am aware that the people who watched that video are more likely to be people who were willing to hear me out, and so it might be a biased sample. If someone felt like they were owed an apology from me either for building up s4 so much or for disappearing completely in the aftermath, I would agree and readily apologize.

But there were some other factors here too that made me perceive what had happened unrealistically. I've mentioned before that journalists have reached out to me dozens of times over the years to try to get me to ridicule the people theorizing after s4 or wanting me to compare my work to people involved with things like qAnon. Even if on some level I knew that wasn't a fair comparison and part of the reason people looked down on it is because people were expecting queer representation, after a while it started to warp my self perception. But at the end of the day, we were analyzing about a TV show which is kind of the point of media. Was I overinvested? Definitely. Would I do things differently? Absolutely. But do I think being involved with TJLC makes me or you bad or crazy? No.

So the long and short of it is that I’m in a better place now than I was a year ago with this, and also in a better place now than I was when I released An Unfinished Melody, mostly because of how kind you all have been. So thank you. 

[agustdiv1ne]

thank you + milestone!!

damn, never thought we'd get here, did we?

in all honesty, it's been a pretty shit year. march 'til now has felt like the same month on repeat with tiny tweaks to make it all so much worse. but i'm not here to complain about the worst parts of this year, i'm here to celebrate the best ones.

this was the year that i finally started writing, that i was finally spurred to open a google doc and just type away until a tiny work of fiction stared back at me. my first one was 1k words, a rant to get all of my emotions off of my chest with an idol as my muse. it felt...great, though it also felt a bit odd writing after being an avid reader for years. i always did prefer essays to creative writing, but this year definitely changed that perspective.

i wrote that first blurb along with another fic in late july, and in early august, i asked my friends if i should post them. om august 3rd, i changed this blog from a fic rec to a fic writing blog just like that. i regret none of it.

it's been nearly five months since i revamped this blog and i couldn't be more grateful for the support i have gotten from all of you, whether it be a kind comment, a like, a reblog, all of it. i never thought anyone would like my content, but i've been proven severely wrong by this community. from my irls that are on here, to my lovely mutuals and followers, to those i've talked to a lil bit on this hellsite, to the writers whose fics i absolutely adore, to those who have left a like or a comment on one of my fics, i want to say thank you from the very bottom of my heart ♡

have a happy and healthy new year! i love and appreciate every single one of you!!

though i'm painfully bad at writing letters and getting all sappy, i wanted to write them anyways hahaha let's goooo

to @hwaddict:

my irl best friend!! my partner in crime!!!! i love you sm carly, and there are not enough words in this world for me to describe the extent of my love. you have been there for me during my lowest moments, you've seen me cry, and i don't cry in front of many ppl. i trust you with my life and i'm so glad that we became friends back in middle school bc you are one reasons that spur me to keep going. i can't wait to see where life takes us and know that while i might not always be able to be there physically (especially with college right around the corner), i will always be there for you in any way i can be. again i love you and i can't wait to conquer next year with you ♡♡

to @hopejanaee:

hope!! hobi!!! one of my irls! though we just became friends earlier this year, it feels like we've been friends for ages. it's crazy how close we grew so quickly but i am so grateful to have you in my life. you never fail to make me laugh whenever we're together and you're so chaotic but in such a good way hahaha. you were the one who got me into writing with your own wonderful fics so thank yoi for that. i'm so happy that we became friends because you're so kind and caring and ahhhhhh i love u sm ♡

to @oikawasmilkbread:

we talked for like 0.2 seconds but you are so kind and hella cool!! it was nice having random conversations with you and i'm so glad you randomly dmed me bc i am shy and i have 0 idea how to start conversations with anyone lmao. i always smile when i see you in my notifs! i hope you have a happy new year!!! ♡

to @luthenia:

i know you're on hiatus but seeing you in my notifs always excites me hahaha. we never talk but you are so supportive of everyone in this community and i just wanted to shout you out for that! your memes are top tier LMAO and i can't wait for when you come back, happy new year ♡

to @starsforten:

we also talked for approximately 1 second but it was so fun talking to you about astrology stuff (virgo sun libra rising gang hahahaha) and those teuta matoshi dresses! you are so nice and easy to talk to and i hope your new year is happy and fruitful! ♡

i recommend every single one of these blogs for their amazing content!! i added some of my favorite fics as i'm a whore for great writing hahaaaa

@kinktae

waterloo — a masterpiece! taehyung is so bitter at the beginning and it's adorable seeing how y/n breaks his tough shell. loved this from beginning to the end ♡

hot rod — the 50s slang, the dynamic between hoseok and y/n...*chef's kiss*

@untaemedqueen

welcome to seoul land — werewolf!namjoon really got me going, 100/10 would recommend

graceful gods — this is one of my all-time favorites, greek god!jungkook has my brain going brrrr

@shadowsremedy + @therealmintedmango

support system — adorable!! this is a hybrid!yoongi fic i really enjoy, and the series isn't over yet! check it out~

@bratkook

tear you apart — demon!taehyung...holy shit. i was speechless

@tatertotthethot

the doms next door — THIS SERIES OMG, i've read each part at least five times already. taekook got me acting UP

scream (posted to @yandere-society) — a really cool take on the movie scream with jungkook, yandere fics don't always appeal to me but this one absolutely did

@ateezmakemeweep

broken — the immense ache i felt in my chest while reading this, but i loved both parts with a burning passion. san is so sweet in this :')

@atinybrew

dirty free for all — the ULTIMATE demon!san fic. the writing is absolutely immaculate and this is the first fic that had me blushing down my mf ARMS

rice milk lattes and bryophytes roads — another san fic admittedly because i'm whipped for san lol. anyways, this was cute and hot at the same time and best friend!yunho made my double biasing ass that much happier

@seacottons

pan — an adorable peter pan!hongjoong fic, it had my heart going achhfhsjfjsjf

sir kiss me — circus au with san holy hell i loved every twist and turn of this

@actuallythatwaspromise

bad romance — one of my favorite yunho fics ever, punk rock!yunho x nerd!reader has my entire heart

aurora garden center and desire ink — florist!mingi had me uwuing for the entire fic, this was adorable and i loved it sm

@yeonjuncore

every single fic on this blog is an absolute masterpiece, i swear

the devil's little angel — THIS IS ONE OF MY ULTIMATE FAVORITES, demon!yeonjun had me screaming and it was just so fun to read and i loved every single second of it so much that i've read it nearly ten times now. so go read it, you won't regret it!

the boy with the horns — another of my ultimate favorites (i told you, their writing is just that amazing), woodland fey!soobin just had me going so soft :(( i literally sobbed at one point, that's how invested i was

bleeding heart — the tension between vampire!yeonjun and vampire slayer!reader had me screeching

curtain call — i have a sad crush vampire!soobin

i love you, always — this felt so..bittersweet? taehyun loves y/n so much, i lowkey cried while reading this

@angelfic

the art of (mis)communication — i am a whore for both reconciliation and yeonjun, 100000/10 pls read this i beg of you

@angelictaehyun

growing pains — ahhh once again a yeonjun fic, my chest hurt a lil bit at some points but it was so sweet!!

@neovisioned

bed of spiderwebs — spiderman!mark has my heart screeching, i loved every second of it ♡

eddie ate dynamite — johnny suh coming for my throat yet again

cupid victorious — cupid!jaehyun :'))) definitely one of my favorites!!

@domjaehyun

quarantine chronicles — ok if you haven't read this or the part two yet then you're missing out big time!! the tension, the buildup, every single part of this fic was just *chef's kiss* but multiply thay by a million

all these years — every single moment of this felt so nostalgic and the ending was so sweet :')

@caiuscassiuss

muse — i keep going back to this one constantly, the angst in this phenomenal and i love artist!taeyong sm here

@neoct-zen

loverboy — HOT, AMAZING, I SCREAMED. the blurbs that accompany this are also top-tier i recommend reading each and every one!!

@moondustis

pink + white — i'm so soft for mark i stg, this was the cutest thing ever

@loviejaehyun

can't avoid this feeling — hockey player!mark is the best thing ever

all tied up — i just- screamed as i read this bc professor!jaehyun is too hot goodbye

@hopejanaee

incapable — this is one of the best yoongi fics i've ever read ngl, it's not completed quite yet but the parts that have been posted are top tier!!

breathless — THIS. I LOVED THIS. yuta is just so hfjshhfhshfnsn and i love this sm

@hwaddict

melting point — big boy mingiiii, 100/10 would recommend

@okayau

house next to mine — frat boy!yeonjun rly got me going, cute and hot at the same time ahhhhbfnsnnf

youth — ADORABLE, yeonjun's confession is peak i love it here

run away — how many yeonjun fics can i fit in this post? (answer: a lot) definitely one of my favorite harry potter aus!! it was awesome seeing how their relationship changed throughout the years and perhaps i teared up a little at the end :'))

@starrychannies

baby steps — ONE OF ALL-TIME MY FAVORITE FICS ON THIS SITE, every single part is so well-written and ahhhhhfhdhhf chan makes me feel some type of way

my stupid — another yeonjun fic! angsty but v cute at the end :')

@baekhvuns

this youth of craziness — 40k words of pure gold, this fic is absolutely one of my favorite san fics ever!!

replacement — prince!ten makes my brain go brrrr, i love how the y/n just speaks her mind here

@masterninjacow

untitled project — i saw soulmate au with mark and i knew would already love it, and i did! pizza boy!mark at that, amazing and i adored it

more amazing blogs!!: @galaxteez, @poutybinz, @lustjoong, @bloominghigh

these are just a few of the fics and blogs i found this year, find more on my fic rec blog @agustdiv1ne-recs!! (my thumbs are starting to hurt i'm so sorry bfjshfhsh)

wrapping up each month since august since that's when i actually started posting LMAO

☆ august

03: good enough — chan

03: bloodsucker — seonghwa

04: cutie — san

09: veloxrotaphobia — mingi

19: want — changbin

21: numb — yunho

100 follower special — i reached 100 followers towards the end of august, my first ever milestone :') also my first ever time taking requests, 'twas very fun ♡

☆ september

03: on camera — jungkook

☆ october

27: oh, worm? — namjoon

31: demon days — san

☆ november

10: a letter to my love — xiaojun

23: bad for u — jaehyun

27: home sweet home — yeonjun

☆ december

christmas bash 2020 — my brain went hey what if you did this- and i listened so here's 17 holiday fics hahahaa (not all of them are out yet but i'm working on it!!)

things i plan to release in 2021!!

☆ sunflower — jimin

☆ cross — yeonjun

☆ landslide — seonghwa

☆ nice save — san

☆ red — hyunjin

☆ a secret series (that will be revealed once i plan everything) — ateez

☆ 4 unrelated secret fics oOoOoo — will i reveal them? you'll just have to wait and see ;)

there will definitely be more posted! these are the ones that are going to be my priority at first, but my imagination is always churning so expect a lot more :)) check out all of non-secret wips here!

i hit 500 followers a couple days ago! i nearly screamed when i saw that LMAO. thank you so much for liking my content because i work hella hard on it :') sometimes i feel like i don't deserve y'all really, but @hwaddict will yell at me if i say that so ig i take it back hfhshhdhg

a post for celebrating this milestone will come as soon as i finish up the rest of my christmas fics!! sorry that i'm so slow :( (hint: my requests will be open, so look out for it!)

so yeah!! that's it, sorry for the painfully long post (i'm sorry to my thumbs for typing this whole thing out </3). thank you to everyone who read this far!! i hope everyone has a happy and healthy new year, and in the words of txt's cover, fuck 2020. may 2021 be a much better year for all of us!!!

much love,

ashlee ♡

[mycelier]

My name is Simone and I would like to tell you a tale!

I will not have access to my laptop for some days more and because writing on my phone is kind of painful (physically, because I am working on hand mobility now), this may end up in drafts and taking a while to post. I am going to share what has been happening the last 2 months because I feel like everything went from 0 to 100 in the span of a few weeks and its been really, really wild.

So!!! LETTUCE begin!

For roughly 5 years I've been struggling to get a diagnosis on an extremely painful area of my arm. There was literally nothing visible; no lump, discoloration or any other physical abnormality to indicate anything was wrong. I spent thousands on pretty much every kind of imaging you can do, and was told time and time again that there was nothing wrong and, perhaps, it was psychosomatic and I needed therapy or, more often than not, I was given a shrug and a vague "i dunno" response.

This year, something changed. I deal with chronic pain (my spine is congenitally fused in my neck and lower spine and I have baby bone spurs all over), and in the process of trying to work on that I brought up my arm again to a dr I no longer see. He'd told me my arm was SEVERAL things over the years I had been seeing him but this time said it was a fibromyalgia knot, something I had been told by a team of doctors some time before that. I said okay cool and was sent to a physical therapy rehab center where the dr worked with myofascial release and stretches to help with injuries. This amazing man fixed my plantar fasciitis and helped get my chronic headaches under control but NOTHING we did helped my arm pain. Within a month he was worried bc we had started to notice that there was a hardness to the spot that never changed with any exercise or massage.

Worried that there was a nerve being trapped or crushed (another diagnosis I'd gotten over the years), this amazing man sent me to a neurosurgeon who immediately frowned and said he didn't think my neck pain and my arm pain were connected. He ordered an MRI of my arm and despite it not being visible on an MRI 2 years before, he found something PHYSICALLY THERE where I said I had pain. He considered doing the surgery to remove it (despite being a neurosurgeon he was fascinated with this weird horribly painful spot) but eventually sent me a surgeon for an oncology center, assuring me it was because this new surgeon was one of the best in Texas for removing soft tissue tumors, not because there was any thought of cancer.

I met with the surgeon who gave me one more diagnosis of an AVM (arteriovenous malformation), snd said they were benign and not necessary to remove as well as the possibility that if removed it would likely return. Truly, at this point after 5 years of constant nauseating horric pain when someone brushed against me or if I gently brushed against ANYRHING, a pain so bad that it had basically made me stop using my right arm as much as possible (of course I'm right handed lol), I said GET THAT FUCKER OUT OF THERE MAN and my first surgery was scheduled.

Surgery one occurred Nov 5th and was an out patient event. I went home and passed out. At some point my mom said that while I'd been in recovery the dr said the thing in my arm hadn't looked like what he expected so he had sent it to pathology. I went back to work and was hanging out until the Tuesday before Thanksgiving when I went in for a super immediate meeting with a different doctor who told me that what had been in my arm was a synovial sarcoma, aka, cancer! He, this incredibly kind man I did not know, gently discussed chemo and told me I needed to have a CT scan immediately. Based on the CT, i was either in stage one or stage four if it has spread to lungs. The day before Thanksgiving I received the news that it was stage one, it had not spread, and i was so fucking happy.

Then it was time talk about next steps. My surgeon marked out a circle on my arm to indicate how much he was gonna remove in order to guarantee clear margins..but it was not enough of a meeting for me to grasp the surgery I was about to receive.

The day of my second surgery, dec 8th, came quickly and i met with the plastic surgeon, the kindest, most patient man. He moved my arm around and explained how he was going to hijack a vein from my forearm in order to keep the blood flow health to the flap he was gonna take from the donor site: My inner thigh.

It has been 11 days and I am living in an inpatient rehab facility, working on dealing with the nerve damage/pain, the EXTREME pain of my donor site, and the lost mobility that I am working on getting back, both in my leg and my hand. The majorities of my arm is numb...except where the nerve pain burns my wrist and forearm and makes it painful to wear my arm sling (I can't fully extend my arm, nor can I lift, push, pull or use my arm in any way that would stress out my new arm flap). Also may have a brand new urinary tract infection but as I write this I'm chugging water for a urine sample to hopefully get that treated. Below are some pictures I have taken/had taken of my arm! Im not ready to look at my leg outside of the bandages (which, since having the wound vac removed today, hell yeah, will need daily dressing changes).

EDIT: I tried posting pictures of my arm last night and my post disappeared immediately so I will try to make a new post with these photos in case the whole post was erased because of them. I will tag them as post surgery photos. I do not consider them gory or excessive but hey that's just me.

I intend to post more things as I keep healing and as I gain more mobility. I was given "independence" in my room yesterday which means I can officially get up without any assistance needed (using my badass new cane to help me lift my foot in and out of bed)!!!! Which also means I can get up whenever I want without the bed alarm going off. I have a badass cane that has been the best tool in helping me get around (and has inspired my mom and others to suggest and look into getting me a cane sword which makes me laugh REAL hard). See below me using the cane to move my foot in and out of bed!

Part of why I'm posting this is because I really needed to talk about it and while later posts may not be this long or expository but I wanted to have a base post to explain other ones related to this one!!!

I will update with some newer pics tomorrow night when my mom comes by to help me take newer pics. The arm flap looks super healthy (according to the drs), and when they changed my leg dressing they said its looking really good and healthy!

I......also really wanted to post my Amazon wishlist. Due to this stupid wild bad lottery ticket, I've been struggling to pay my bills and rent but!!! I have good insurance, thankfully (since I live in the US and my hospital stay and this rehab stay would have more than bankrupted me), and im hoping my disability checks will get here in time for rent!!! I'm putting up my wishlist bc I can't afford some of the "essentials" on there and, also, because I havent been able to have any kind of comfort during any of this. I never ask for anything for holidays because usually i...dont want to burden people with spending money on me since I know how hard money is, especially right now. And if I don't have enough for rent later I might have to create a go fund me...but right now everything looks good for rent and bills just...not for anything fun.

Thank you so much for your time!!! And happy holidays you wild bastards!!!

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/36PG6BAYD18U7?ref_=wl_share