#and I'm posting it before not-sleep-deprived me stops me from doing it tomorrow

[senanatheskenana]

Hello! I loved your Sinclair post about their S/O leaving them. If you would like too could you please write a part 2 where the S/O comes back and the talk it out? Happy ending if at all possible only if you want too, I hope you have a great day!

I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

I hope this is ok, i tried my best but i've been a little bit rusty after my break from writing <3

Part two of this

The Sinclair Boys' S/O Comes home.

Bo Sinclair

Bo had exhausted nearly every option of where to find you.

He knew that even if the chance of getting you back was slim, he had to at least apologise- promise to be better. For once he needed to prove to someone that he was worth the fight.

Most of all, he needed to see you.

And he never admitted it, but a part of himself needed to see if you looked even a fraction of the way he did.

Bo turned up on your doorstep, hat in his hand, face covered in dirt, sweat, and who knows whatelse.

You had to admit he looked awful- worse than you'd seen him in months.

Even when Bo recognises he's done wrong, he doesn't always feel bad and her certainly never apologises for it.

Until now.

~~~~~

You stand there on the porch, staring expectantly at Bo as he struggled to find words. His throat was dry, and all of the things that he wished to say- the large speech he had spent days rehearsing and rewriting- melted into nothing at the back of his throat. He looked at you briefly before diverting his attention downward at his shoes.

"Beauregard, please say somethin'. I don't wanna stand in the cold all day," when he doesn't seem to respond, you more to shut the door on him. He panics and in a moment of adrenalin, sticks his hand in the doorframe to stop you from closing it. He doesn't so much feel it as he does hear the scraping crunch, letting out a hiss when you immediately reopen the door to let his trapped fingers go.

The next thing he knows, he's in your kitchen with a bag of ice wrapped around his hand. The lights in the kitchen are too bright for Bo, making everything but you seem hazy in the sleep deprived state hes in. You can see that hes not in a good state, but it worries you how he got here

"Bo, did you drive all the way by yourself?" you hope he says no, that Lester had driven four hours to get here. However, from looking into his truck, you know it was just him.

Bo looks at you like you're stupid. "I drove. Din't ya see the truck?"

"Don't make that face at me, Beauregard. Why are you here?"

He stares at you a little longer again, his resolve cracking further. It's been so long since he's seen you and now he can barely look at you out of shame.

"Sugar, you know i ain't the type to apologise for anythin'. An' i know you deserve someone who does..." but now he looks you in the eyes like a kicked dog, "I haven't be'n treatin' you like I shoulda."

"Bo-"

"No, please lemme say this cuz i wanna get the chance before you chuck me out." he sighs.

"I know I'm no good for you, and i know i dont deserve the time of day from you but i do love you... Sugar, i love you so much it hurts when you ain't around no more. It's like i'm continuously choking on smoke. Now I ain't trying to guilt you into comin' home- Ambrose. "

"Bo please just say it"

"I'M SORRY- I know that don't make up for how ive treated you- or anyone," Bo shifts and mores to grip your hand, "But i wanna be better for you, i wanna show you i love you, and make you feel loved"

You remain silent for a time and he feels his stomach sink slowly to his feat and he deflates, retracting his hand.

"I-I'm gon' head out soon, get outta your hair for good. I just wanted you to know i was sorry."

"No you're not, you're in no state to drive Bo. Stay the night here. We can head back together tomorrow" at that his face lights up. "You can have a shower before you get anywhere near me though," you tease.

He smirks and scampers up the staircase, "Yes, ma'am"

Vincent Sinclair

Vincent made no attempts to find you.

After all, why would he try to bring you back if you were only going to leave again.

He figured he may as well cut his losses and try to get over it.

So he tried.

For weeks.

Then for months.

But he just couldn't.

He saw you in everything he did.

He could swear that he saw you in his paintings or in visitors' cars.

Hell he thought he saw you getting out of Lester's truck right now.

Until he realised you actually were.

But something was different.

~~~~~

Through the glass he could see you hopping out of the cab of the truck, thick winter sweater consuming your figure. He's sure its one of his.

Vincent rushed through the house to the front door, swinging it open on its creaky hinges. You hardly get the chance to look at him before he's wrapping his arms around you tightly.

Lester stands to the side watching.

"Yer lucky i was drivin' west otherwise she might not've made it t'all"

Vincent turns away to sign to Lester but you dont catch it because he's moving his hands so fast.

"She's tryin' to get back to ya but ran outta gas before i found her"

He was shocked. You were trying to get back to him? Why, he was sure you wanted nothing to do with him this entire time.

He signs slower so you can understand,

'Why did you come back?'

You look at him sadly. In truth you felt bad for running away with no notice- leaving Vincent all alone with no explanation.

"I had to." you started, "Because i love you. And it wasn't fair to run away, i know, but i was scared of what you might think, or do"

Though you cant see, Vincent looks puzzled under his mask, you can tell. he signs again.

'Why did you leave- what were you afraid of me for?'

Your eyes water and you look down, arms wrapping around your torso.

"Vincent, I.." the words get stuck in your throat and he moves to cup your cheeks but you grab his hands before he can. You don't think you can say it. Your trembling hands guid his callused palms to your stomach. His eye widens when he feels the protrusion there.

There was no way. He stiffens and stays like that for what feels like forever until your shoulders start to shudder with sobs. Vincent snaps out of it and panics, trying to calm your cries. He moves to embrace you again before frantically signing to you.

'No please darling, don't cry. I'm not upset- i could never be upset with you'

You sniffle, "I'm sorry i left you. It was only meant to be for one day- to go to the clinic but then i found out i was pregnant and then i got scared that you wouldn't want it so i went to a hotel to try to think about what to do but i never manages to figure anything out."

Vincent feels his heart crack a little bit at your distress. He should've been more intuitive- maybe let you know that he'd care about you no matter what.

He gently puts his hands back on your tummy and looks at you. He doesn't even need to sign for you to know what he was trying to say.

'It'll be ok'

Lester Sinclair

Lester was a good guy, you knew that.

To you, he was perfect.

He never even raised his voice at you, and you're sure that if he even scratched you, he'd feel horrible for days.

And if you were honest, you still missed him.

You knew what he was doing was wrong but you still loved him.

Before you can stop yourself you're calling his mobile, waiting for the beeps.

He picks up after a single ring, like always.

~~~~~

"Heh-hey hun!" he tries his best but you can hear he's happy that you called him. "Is everythin' ok up there?"

You had to admit, it was sweet that even now, he cares about things like that.

"Hey, Les..." you don't really know what to say but he's patient, "Sorry im not really sure why i called."

"It's ok, please, i ain't gonna complain" you can almost hear his smile through the phone.

"I'm sorry about what i said-"

he cuts you off, "No, no you're right. What we was doin' was horrible, i know. But i- i wantcha to know that i told Bo that i ain't doing his dirty work anymore."

That surprised you. You know that Bo's a strong, stubborn character and Lester wants nothing than to impress his older brothers. This was big.

"I'm glad, Lester. Just stay outta trouble." You tease him and he giggles.

"I'm tryin' my best out here." an uncomfortably long period of silence takes over the line before he speaks again. "Jonesy misses ya... she just sorta stares at the door at night, expectin' ya to come walk through it."

It sounds sort of sad when he says it like that, he realises. "Not that I'm tryin to trick ya into comin back, im jus' sayin' that maybe you'd like me to bring her up to you some time." It's a ploy so that he can see you again, he knows.

"Oh no, Lester don't go all the way out here to let me play with YOUR dog, thats unfair." you pout through the phone and he laughs again.

"I don't know- i'd get to see you again, so it seems like a good trade, hun."

You dont know what got into you.

"Lester, I miss you."

The line is quiet again for a few seconds before he replies, "Really?"

"I know you've done some horrible stuff, but i still love you, and i dont know, if you're tellin' the truth about leaving that stuff behind, then maybe we can make it work."

He fights back a squeal of delight when he hears that.

"You stay right there, Huneysuckle, I'll be coming to get you as soon as i can." you laugh at his enthusiasm, "I'm getting in the truck, ill see you soon!"

[tellmegoodbye]

Now that I finally posted my fic, until the end of time, I wanted to make a separate post for the playlist as well!

I shared a couple of these songs for music monday, but I'm going to do a more in depth analysis of the entire playlist, listing each song in order, talking about which lyrics inspired me, and sharing which moments in the fic they reminded me of.

Listen to the full playlist here.

---

Overcome - Nothing But Thieves

This was the first song I connected to 4x18 back when I first started writing this fic back in June of last year. The playlist opens with it because it introduces the overarching theme of choosing love in life's most difficult moments.

Bringer of the calm, your arms wrapped around when the fever took Thought I was gone for good, you brought me back

But I've been thinkin', babe, maybe you're right When you said the pain weathers in time We're just waitin' for a change to follow We don't always get all that we want Redefine the pain to somethin' more And we shall overcome as we've done before

Stay - The People's Thieves

I see these lyrics as a sort of a back and forth between TK and Carlos.

The first verse is TK feeling helpless when he watches Carlos spiral. He knows that he has to wait for Carlos to come around. They'll leave the darkness when he's ready.

The second verse is Carlos understanding his own weakness. He knows he can't fight this alone even if he's too blinded by obsession to admit it. He needs TK (and Owen) to help him escape it.

The chorus is TK and Carlos comforting each other. TK was scared for Carlos, but Carlos came back to him as he always will. Carlos was lost, but he found his way back home to TK.

I can find a place where no one feels the rain We'll huddle while the storm goes Leave here when you say so Hang on I pray the day will come when you can feel the sun And wipe off all the marks of days spent in the dark love Hang on

I'm only just strong enough I'm slowly sinking through the ground below So hold me Just long enough to show me How to find my way back home

Stay When you feel afraid Where you are is where I'll always go When you've lost your way Where you are is where I'll always go

Sleep Deprivation - Chance Peña

This is where Carlos' head is at. He's lost within his grief and relentlessly persuing justice at the same time. He wants to do right by his family, but he can't do that without losing himself in the process. He still needs to realize that he is allowed to slow down to process his grief and take it one day at a time.

Lost and ambitious I've been on a mission I won't stop till I'm done I toss and turn almost every night I pray to God I'm doing right By all my family's wishes Lord knows I miss them Their love outshines the sun

So when I break down I list off the reasons I'm here and I'm still breathing I'm hanging on Try to break ground, make way for tomorrow I'll find a way through the sorrow One day at a time

Discoloration - Dawn Golden

This reminds of the scene where TK is trying to rationalize with Carlos, but Carlos isn't hearing him. He's too sucked into his obsession to see that he isn't alone.

You took my hand and brought me down in the morning And I was sitting waiting for the telephone to swallow me whole

And I watched your mouth moving like a tired machine trying to plead with me. Trying to swallow me whole

And the whites of your eyes blackened with a hardened decay And you talked to me in a broken voice

Fade In / Fade Out - Nothing More

I wrote an analysis on this song here, but I think these lyrics are the perfect encapsulation of Carlos and Gabriel's relationship. A lot of these thoughts would be haunting Carlos in his persuit of Gabriel's killer.

Son, I have watched you fade in You will watch me fade out When the grip leaves my hand I know you won't let me down

Go and find your way Leave me in your wake Always push through the pain And don't run away from change

We all get lost sometimes trying to find what we're looking for

Are You Really Okay? - Sleep Token

(cw: references of self harm)

This is a song about self harm from the outside perspective of a loved one. This is where TK really starts to realize that something is wrong with Carlos, and he doesn't know what to do. Carlos is engaging in his own version of self harm when he refuses to let himself sleep, eat, or grieve.

I raised you in the dark Caught you reading by the sunrise You wandered from the path Through the silence of the hillside

You woke me up one night Dripping crimson on the carpet I saw it in your eyes Cutting deeper than the scars could run

And don't you know I can see it in you even now And don't you know I want to help you but I don't know how And are you really okay?

I cannot fix your wounds this time I don't believe you when you tell me you are fine Please don't hurt yourself again

Promises I Can't Keep - Mike Shinoda

This is probably my favorite song on the entire playlist. In the aftermath of everything that went down, Carlos is in shock. He's upset, but he doesn't really have the chance to process the gravity of the situation until he gets home to TK. It's a feeling of relief mixed with that sinking feeling of realization when he comes back down to earth and his head is finally clear enough for him to see how bad it got, and how bad it almost became. He now has to accept the fact that he may not be able to keep his promise to Gabriel. He may not ever find his killer.

What's the difference between a loss and a forfeit I tried to make it better, but I made it more sick I tried to make it right, now awake at night I know reality was getting in the way

I used to think that I knew who I was Never saw it coming unglued I used to think that I knew who I was Now it's time to see if it's true

I had so much certainty Til that moment I lost control And I've tried but it never was up to me I've got no worse enemy Than the fear of what's still unknown And the time's come to realize there will be Promises I can't keep

I Am Not Who I Was - Chance Peña

Carlos has come to terms with the decisions that he made, and now he has to figure out where that leaves him. Is he still going to be a person TK can love? Is he going to keep going down a path of isolation, or is he going to hold on to what's most important to him? In the fic, he pleads with TK to not give up on him, and of course, this is never a question for TK.

You keep me steady on the ground When my head's lost in the clouds That spotlight, though it shines bright Could never drown you out I know it's hard when I'm away I'll just hope you don't lose faith 'Cause I told the truth when I said to you That I'll be back someday

So if I fly too far Will I still have a place inside your heart? And when you've seen what I've become Will you love me for who I am, not who I was?

Life's Gonna Kill You (If You Let It) - Man-Made Sunshine

TK approaches Carlos with more understanding than most people would have, because he's lost a parent too. He knows just how dark Carlos' thoughts are. And he has the experience to know what to expect. Carlos' grief is different from TK's, but having someone who loves him and who has been there is important when he hits his lowest point and can't see how he can drag himself out of it. TK isn't going to let Carlos get to a point where he can't come back.

You know I see your troubles from a continent away And they take me from my own And I know you feel your mind gets ugly every day And I know you know what it's like to feel insatiably alone

I won't let you get ill, I won't let you give in 'Cause this life will only kill you if you let it Don't you let me get ill, 'cause you know that I will My pain loves the company My life only kills me when I let it Yеah, life's gonna kill you if you let it

Back To One - O.A.R

This song is all about starting over. It's about changing your perspective when life becomes too overwhelming that you start to lose sight of the good things. When Carlos comes home and sees TK, his whole world who was right there waiting for him all long, he's reminded of the love he still has, and the happiness that he still has the ability to feel. He is not entirely lost. Looking back on his father's death isn't going to help him move forward. And moving forward isn't forgetting either. This song is an anthem of what it means to live through the worst moments of your life, and that's what Carlos is learning how to do. Live.

I see you there, but you don't look right You got a ten-mile stare in your eyes tonight Time ain't fair, like it used to be

We're all dressed up, nowhere to go We lost our way, about halfway home And we hurt the ones who get too close

Don't look back, you'll never find your way There's a million different people Who break the same way When everything has come undone We got to bring it back to one

I know forever always asks so much Don't you let it scare you, don't you lose your touch When your still waters start to run, bring it back to one

Can I Sleep In Your Arms - Willie Nelson

This is the song TK and Carlos were dancing to in the fic! I chose it for a couple reasons. I have my own (vague) hcs of the kind of music TK and Carlos like, and I do think there is some portion of Carlos' music taste that is dedicated to older stuff. I see him listening to old country loves songs like this one as a kid and imagining the day he'd find a love like that of his own. He found it with TK. He fought to hang on to it because this thing that he has with TK is so beautiful and precious, that he'll be damned if he ever lets it go.

In regards to the actual lyrics, this song is simply about how when you fall down, when you struggle, the person who loves you is always going to be right there by your side to help you get back on your feet. It's a song about healing, comfort in weakness, and devotion.

Can I sleep in your arms tonight, lady? It's so cold lying here all alone And I have no hold to hold on you And I assure you, I'll do you no wrong

Meet The Moonlight - Jack Johnson

This is a callback to the theme of choosing love. Carlos lost sight of it momentarily, and couldn't see a world where he could exist outside of this mission that he was on. But he can. He can choose to live and to pormise himself to TK forever. His dreams that he couldn't allow himself to have most of his life are still real and attainable. He can take control of his destiny.

Well, you can meet the moonlight Any night you really wanna It's waiting in your own backyard You can make the flame Meet the kindling, make the fire Don't let anybody say it's too hard

It's funny how blind dreams can be It seems like they look off too far But it's good to be right here It's good not to miss too many chances to follow love

Emerald Eyes - Anson Seabra

I didn't include any moments from the actual wedding in this fic because it would have defeated the purpose of the whole thing, but I do love this song for the wedding in particular. Carlos is looking at TK, this man who he loves with everything he has, who he's been through hell and back with - and he knows that this is meant to be. He knows their love is strong enough to survive anything. The road to their wedding wasn't easy, but now he's here and now he gets to take it all in. He gets to have forever with him.

A subtle breeze, it's you and me Chest to chest, no in between And every moment's better than the last Anything and everything That I could ever want and need Is standing right beside me in the grass

The birds they sang a melody My heart was keeping time and we Were dancing on the edge of something new Slow at first but still it seems That we'll go down in history As lovers from the start, just me and you

'Cause I've spent a thousand nights Lost in your emerald eyes Lost in a place where I know You can see my soul Make me lose track of time You and your emerald eyes Finally found a place that I can call my home

Tennessee Whiskey - Chris Stapleton

I had to include at least one song that had a somewhat sexy vibe, and this was it. This is the way it feels for TK and Carlos when they go home and give themselves over to each other as hubsands with a foundation of years of pining, building trust, heartache, and every obstacle in between. No matter what happens or where they go, the love that they have is never going to die.

But you rescued me from reachin' for the bottom And brought me back from being too far gone

You're as smooth As Tennessee whiskey You're as sweet As strawberry wine You're as warm As a glass of brandy And honey, I stay stoned on your love All the time

Baby I'm Yours - Arctic Monkeys

This is the "end credits" song. We revisit the theme of choosing to live. After this entire journey it all comes back to the love Carlos feels when he's with TK. He makes a promise not only to TK, but to himself, that no matter what happens or where life takes them, he will always remember this feeling.

Also, I saw that the fic title was a lyric in this song (this was on accident, I didn't come up with that title with any song in mind) and I knew I had to include it!

Baby, I'm yours And I'll be yours until the stars fall from the sky, Yours, until the rivers all run dry In other words, until I die

Baby, I'm yours And I'll be yours until the sun no longer shines, Yours, until the poets run out of rhyme In other words, until the end of time

I'm gonna stay right here by your side, Do my best to keep you satisfied Nothin' in the world could drive me away 'Cause every day, you'll hear me say Baby, I'm yours And I'll be yours until two and two is three, Yours, until the mountains crumble to the sea In other words, until eternity

Bonus: I ended up removing the song only because I didn't like how it affected the overall flow of the playlist. But an alternative "end credits" song is Adore by Prince. The lyric "until the end of time" also makes an appearance in that, and it's a song about loving someone and knowing that love will never go away.

Tagging some people who've read the fic in case y'all are interested in song analysis. I also just wanted to thank you all for being so wonderful and supportive and leaving such lovely comments. Y'all are the best. ♡

@herefortarlos @strandnreyes @sapphic--kiwi @paperstorm @firstprince-history-huh @literateowl @ironheartwriter @theghostofashton @nisbanisba

Also tagging some people who expressed interest in this fic. If you want something to listen to while you read, here you go!

@heartstringsduet @lightningboltreader @reyesstrand @emsprovisions @lemonlyman-dotcom @carlos-in-glasses @butchreyes @whatsintheboxmh

This can also double as an inspiration saturday tag. I should really participate in that more often, but I think this counts so consider yourselves tagged!

[mydisenchantedeulogy]

Unbreakable || Trafalgar Law || 1/3

A/n: As I stated before, this is a short inspired by the episode 'Meet in the Middle' of 'The Twilight Zone'. I have decided to break this one-shot into 3 parts because it's easier on me this way and I want to at least get something written and posted for it. If anyone wants to be added to the tag list, let me know. Please enjoy.

Warning(s): GN! Reader, awkward first conversation, modern AU, telepathy.

The gentle sound of water sloshing in the bathroom sink permeates your ears as you attempt to calm your irritation. It's been a rough shift, and the lazy employees giving you trouble are only adding to your stress one incident at a time. But at least it's almost over.

You take an uneasy breath and then shut off the water. It's time you went back. The last thing you need is for someone to report you or accuse you of milking the time. Glancing at yourself in the mirror, you force a smile. 

"You've got this. No one here is worth going to prison over."

Reluctantly leaving the bathroom, you return to work. For the next hour, you grin and bear the employees pressing your buttons. It's not easy to ignore, but your patience to do so impresses you, and once it's time to leave you rush from the building so fast you are certain the higher-ups will have you in the office tomorrow. 

Freedom, at last, you think to yourself in glee as you saunter down the street toward the crosswalk. 

You can't wait to get home. There is so much you want to do; relaxing, of course, being the main objective. But as you continue, an eerie yet deep pressure consumes your head, forcing you to halt for a moment. 

 I'm losing it.

You lurch in fear at the sudden deep and powerful voice in your ear. At first, you think someone must have snuck up on you, but glancing wildly around, you soon realize this is not the case. You are alone. So where did the voice come from? 

"It's in my head." There is no other explanation. "I must be sleep deprived."

But how does that explain the tone of the voice?

You and I both. 

Groaning in annoyance, you grab your head. The pressure makes it feel as though it's congested. You don't like this feeling at all. 

"What the fuck is going on?"

The voice laughs; a pleasant masculine sound that brings goosebumps to your skin. You wrap your arms tightly around yourself, sauntering toward the curb where other people are standing, waiting. 

It's as you said. We must be sleep deprived. Either that or…we're both suffering a mental break, the voice suggests.   

"I am not insane," you counter.

The voice hums. 

Look around, stranger-ya. Are you talking out loud? Because even if you aren't suffering a mental break, to everyone else you look a bit insane.

From the corner of your eye, you notice an unfamiliar woman give you an incredulous look and sidestep away from you. The voice is right. Your face heats up in embarrassment.

"This is just fucking great," you whisper in annoyance.

Turning your head to the side, you make sure no one is looking before you continue. 

"Are you my conscience or something? Because you haven't exactly been doing your job these past few years."

No, the voice merely retorts. 

You turn up your eyes in annoyance. 

"Right. Look…I don't have time for a mental breakdown so if you could stop talking I'd appreciate it."

Easier said than done, stranger-ya. You're in my head too, the voice retorts. It was you who reached me first, announcing your freedom, loudly. 

Heat spreads across your face. There is so much about this that doesn't make sense to you. Groaning, you cross the street when allowed and quicken your pace. You want to make sure no one witnesses you talking to yourself. 

"So, you're real?" You ask.

Yes, the voice answers. 

An annoyed sigh leaves your mouth. 

"You aren't exactly what one would call a social butterfly, are you?"

The voice snorts. 

Are you?

You shrug. 

"It depends. Though I suppose you have a point. We don't know one another. It's weird enough we're even talking to one another as is. I don't even know your name."

It's Law.

You raise a curious brow. His name doesn't sound familiar, though that doesn't mean he isn't from the area. Offering him your name, you hear him hum in response.

We are not from the same area, Law points out. I had assumed so. 

You don't see how. Perhaps he's from a small town though and knows the names of everyone who lives within it. You bite your bottom lip. 

"I see."

Honestly, you don't know what else to say. This entire ordeal is strange and you aren't convinced yet that your brain isn't making the entire thing up.

"Listen, I don't know how we can hear one another, but perhaps we should try to tune one another out. I mean…we're strangers," you state. 

You are right. Before, when your voice reached me, I felt a pressure in my head and I concentrated on it. We might be able to tune one another out this way, Law explains. 

You hum. It's true and though the concept seems easy enough, you aren't certain it will work. 

"Shall we try it?"

After you, retorts Law.

With a deep uneasy breath, you focus your thoughts on something other than Law; the color of the stoplights; the sound and smell of the world around you. The pressure in your head slowly fades until you no longer feel it. 

"He was right," you utter feeling much better. However, a sense of sadness washes over you. It had been awkward and unexpected but at least Law had a nice voice. "He sounded kind of hot."

I heard that…likewise. 

Shit. So long as you think about him, the link seems to broadcast your voice. Your face heats up in embarrassment and you apologize, tuning him out once again; the sound of his laugh is the last thing from him you hear. 

You have a feeling this isn't going to be easy.  

[braveclementine]

Chapter 16

Warnings: 18+ readers only, smut, orgasm deprivation, punishment sex

Copyright: I do not own any Wizarding World characters that J.K. Rowling wrote. I do however own Elizabeth Kane (main character) and Trang Nyguen (best friend). There should be no use of these two names without my permission. I also do not condone any copying of this.

"You said it yourself!" I protested, "The Dark Lord-" 

"Don't call him that." Severus snapped. 

"-is trying to figure out where I am! He's trying to find dad to torture the information out of him." I continued as though Severus hadn't just interrupted me in the middle of our argument. "If he knows, or at least thinks that he knows, I'm with Harry and the others, he'll lay off. His curiosity will be abated. It's a win-win Severus." 

"Unless, he takes you." Severus snapped. 

"He's not actually going to be there himself!" I protested, throwing my hands up in the air. "Severus, I know what I'm doing." 

"It's not safe." Severus spat. "I refuse to let you go-" 

"You can't actually stop me." I replied, infuriated. "Don't you understand that I'm trying to protect my father-" 

"I'm trying to protect you!" Severus snarled, slamming his fist against the desk. The room was silent for a second before Remus started to wail from his crib. 

I stormed over, taking Remus out gently however, bouncing him on my hip. 

"I can protect myself." I hissed. "I will be going to Lovegoods' house tomorrow and you will not stop me. I will do exactly what I need to, to get The Dark Lord-" 

"Don't. Call him that." Severus breathed out through gritted teeth. 

"-to believe I'm with Harry. And why can't I call him that? It's better than his actual name." I rolled my eyes, rocking side to side as Remus started to coo softly, his tears already dried up. 

"Because only his followers call him that and he doesn't own you." Severus muttered, fingers tightly gripping the back of his chair. 

I sighed, exhausted. It was late at night and I had thought breaking the idea of going to Lovegood's tomorrow as we got ready for bed was better than telling him in the morning. Clearly, I had been wrong. I should've let him steamed over it the entire day. 

"I don't know why you fight me on this stuff." I said in a much more even tone than before, putting Remus back in his crib after kissing his forehead. He let out a soft whimper, scrunching his nose, before settling into sleep. "You and I both know that I'm going to get my way." 

"Someone ought to change that." Severus purred, coming up behind me. I let out a squeak as he lifted me up, tossing me over his shoulder. I squirmed, to no avail, before he was tossing me back down on the bed. 

He looked down at me for a second, before he waved his wand. I let out a surprised gasp, finding my limbs tied to the bed posts with intricate rope that was wrapped around my skin. 

"I could just leave you like this." Severus whispered, starting to kiss down on my neck. His hands roamed softly over my body, leaving burning trails where his fingers caressed my skin. "You wouldn't be able to leave then, would you?" 

I breathed out and then my breath hitched in my throat as Severus suddenly wrapped his hand around my throat, giving it an almost gentle squeezed. "Would you?" 

"No sir." I whimpered, feeling the slick gather between my legs. 

Severus gently released my throat, continuing to explore my body with his lips and hands. I was both startled and turned on. We very rarely delved into this type of play, preferring to make love more than anything else. But when we did do this play, I craved his dominance as much as he craved my submission. 

He trailed his wand down my body now, before settling the tip against my clit. I whimpered, squeezing my eyes shut as slight vibrations. 

"No." Severus said, the wand lifting from my clit. The pleasure stopped flowing and I whimpered, letting my eyes flutter open. "You keep your eyes on me." 

"Yes sir." I said, my voice sounding like it was close to whining. I hated it when he deprived me of pleasure. 

"I wish I could spank you." Severus murmured lowly, trailing his wand down the inside of my leg. The vibrations were there, but giving me nothing and I had to keep myself from whimpering pathetically in need. "What a shame. I guess I'll just have to deprive you instead." 

The wand was back on my clit the minute the last word left his mouth. I tensed in my bonds, my body feeling like it was on fire again. A special tingly feeling in my toes started and I wiggled them, trying to work through it. "Sir please." I begged softly. "Please." 

"Are you going to Lovegoods' tomorrow?" Severus asked softly. 

"Sir." I whined, not wanting to give him an answer. 

"Not the answer I want." Severus said, whipping his wand away again. I nearly cried, my legs jerking as they tried to come together, but they were tied to tightly. "Let's try this again, shall we baby?" 

He did it four more times and I was on the verge of desperate tears by the time he had done the the most recent one. 

"Elizabeth." Severus said in a serious voice. 

"I'll be safe." I said, a small hiccup leaving my throat and that little action started the waterworks I'd been holding back. "Severus I need to do this, please! It's safe. Just please let me go." 

Severus sighed, hanging his head over mine so that our foreheads were touching. His hands were shaking as he rested them on my hips. Finally, he nodded his head once and moved the wand back down to my clit. "Cum." He whispered, and I did immediately, cumming hard as he moved the wand down, shoving it into my cunt. "That's it baby." 

I rode the orgasm out, before sighing in content, relaxing against the pillows. I was still needy, wanting him to fuck me, but he waved his wand and put it to the side, crawling into bed, pulling me into his arms. "I really, really need you to be safe Elizabeth. Do you understand?" 

"Yes." I whispered, relaxing into him. "I can swear it Severus. I'll be safe." 

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

My tail flicked as I sat underneath a bush of orange fruit that was otherwise known as Dirigible plums. I knew that Harry, Ron, and Hermione would be coming any moment now, but I was getting uncomfortable. It was cold, the wind blowing through my coat. 

I let out a huff, which came out an annoyed mew, before I heard feet crunching and then heard Ron's voice say, "It's theirs, look." 

They opened the gate and I crept out from underneath the bush. Harry pulled the invisibility cloak off of himself as the three of them looked down at me with grins on their faces. 

"Well hello Elizabeth." Harry said with a grin. 

I turned human, brushing dirt off of my skirt, blushing a little as they took in the state of my body, seeing that I was pregnant again. 

"Hello." I said quickly, turning towards the door. 

"You've been with Snape?" Harry asked, his voice near a growl. 

"I told you before." I said slightly coolly, "I need his potions expertise." I glanced over at him. "And despite everything Harry, he still loves me." 

Harry kept his mouth closed and Hermione rapped on the door quickly. The door was flung open almost immediately and there was Xenophilius, standing in the doorway. He was bearfoot, wearing only a nightshirt which was covered in stains and marks. His hair looked like it had snarls in it, bunched up around his head. 

"What? What is it? Who are you? What do you want?" He asked, his voice high-pitched, his gaze falling upon each of us in turn, unrecognizing until he saw Harry. 

"Hello, Mr. Lovegood. I'm Harry, Harry Potter." Harry said, quite unnecessarily in my opinion as his face had been plastered to every newspaper front and window for the past six months. 

Mr. Lovegood did not take Harry's hand, his eyes fixed on the scar only, until his lazy eye shifted over to look at me, reminding me just a tad of Uncle Moody. My heart clenched down in pain and I took a deep breath. 

"Would it be okay if we came in? There's something we'd like to ask you." Harry continued. 

"I. . . I'm not sure that's advisable. Rather a shock. . . my word. . . I. . . I'm afraid I don't really think I ought to-" 

"It won't take long." I could hear the disappointment in Harry's voice, but I felt a pang of kindness towards Mr. Lovegood. Despite losing his daughter to the Death Eaters, despite knowing that turning Harry- and possibly me- over to the Death Eaters would free his daughter, he was still hesitant to do so. He had still been looking for a way to send us away instead. 

"I- oh, all right then. Come in, quickly. Quickly!" 

To my surprise, the first room we came to stand in was a kitchen as the door was slammed shut behind us. There was no living room or sitting room, just a kitchen, along with a long spiral staircase leading up into the rest of the house. 

As the house was a perfect circle, the kitchen appliances had been fitted to curve with the walls. The walls themselves were painted with nature ideograms in bright, primary colours. I had to blink several times to get used to it. 

"You'd better come up." Mr. Lovegood said, taking the staircase. 

We followed him up into another room that seemed to be half a sitting room and half a work room. There were piles of objects stacked up everywhere, mostly books and papers, sticking out in uneven ways. There were creature models, hanging from the ceiling, though I didn't recognize a single one of them. 

There was a printing press in the corner, which Mr. Lovegood quickly strode over to throw a cloth over. I grimaced a little, turning away from it. 

"Why have you come here?" 

"Mr. Lovegood- what's that?" Hermione asked with a cry of shock. I decided to seat myself in one of the chairs, away from the Erumpent horn that I knew would explode later one. 

"It is the horn of a Crumple- Horned Snorkack." 

"No it isn't!" 

"Hermione, now's not the moment-" 

"But Harry, it's an Erumpent horn! It's a Class B Tradeable Material and it's an extraordinarily dangerous thing to have in a house!" 

"How d'you know it's an Erumpent horn?" Ron asked and like me, started away from the horn. 

"Hagrid brought one to Care of Magical Creatures last year." I said, "It exploded when I threw a pebble at it. It was fantastic." 

Harry also joined Ron in backing away just slightly. 

"I don't know where you go it-" 

"I bought it two weeks ago from a delightful young wizard who knew of my interest in the exquisite Snorkack. A Christmas Surprise for my Luna. Now, why exactly have you come here, Mr. Potter?" 

"We need some help." 

"Ah, help. Hmm. Yes. The thing is. . . helping Harry Potter. . . rather dangerous. . ." 

"Aren't you the one who keeps telling everyone it's their first duty to help Harry? In that magazine of yours?" Ron asked immediately. 

"Er- yes, I have expressed that view. However-" He said, glancing behind him at the covered printing press. 

"That's for everyone else to do, not you personally?" Ron asked. 

Mr. Lovegood did not answer for a long time. 

"Where's Luna?" I asked softly, looking up at Mr. Lovegood. "Let's see what she thinks." 

Mr. Lovegood did not like my question, as I knew he wouldn't. In a shaky voice he responded, "Luna is down at the stream, fishing for Freshwater Plimpies. She. . . she will like to see you. I'll go and call her and then- yes, very well. I shall try to help you." 

"Cowardly old wart." Ron muttered after Mr. Lovegood had gone downstairs and out the front door. "Luna's got ten times his guts." 

"He's probably worried about what'll happen if the Death Eaters find out I was here." Harry defended the man. 

"Well, I agree with Ron. Awful old hypocrite, telling everyone else to help you and trying to worm out o fit himself. And for heaven's sake keep away from that horn." 

I closed my eyes as the room fell silent, Harry crossing the room to look out the window. I could feel Hermiones' eyes on me, but I would not look at her, not wanting to start any new conversations about Severus. But me ignoring her did not good. 

"How's Remus?" Hermione asked. 

I opened my eyes to look at her. "He's really good." 

"Where did you leave him to come here?" Hermione asked softly. 

I sighed, crossing my arms over my chest. "He's with his father." There was a pause of silence and I said, "You don't have to like Severus, you can continue to hate him. But he is not a danger for me or Remus." 

"I don't like you fraternizing with the enemy." Harry finally said. 

"I'm on your side always Harry." I said softly. "But I need him and he's kept me safe this long." 

We fell silent as Mr. Lovegood came back with a tea tray. 

"Ah, you have spotted my pet invention." He said, noticing that Harry was standing near a crude representation of Ravenclaw's diadem. "Modeled, fittingly enough, upon the head of the beautiful Rowena Ravenclaw. 'Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure!' These are the Wrackspurt siphons- to remove all sources of distraction from the thinker's immediate area. Here, a billywig propeller, to induce an elevated frame of mind. Finally, the Dirigible Plum, so as to enhance the ability to accept the extraordinary." 

He came back to the tea tray, which he had shoved into Hermione's arms, putting it down on the table. "May I offer you all an infusion of Gurdyroots, we make it ourselves. Luna is down beyond Bottom Bridge, she is most excited that you are here. She ought not to be too long, she has caught nearly enough Plimpies to make soup for all of us. Do sit down and help yourselves to sugar." 

I did exactly that, reaching for the sugar bowl and picking up five sugar cubes to suck on. 

"Now, how may I help you, Mr. Potter?" 

"Well, it's about that symbol you were wearing around your neck at Bill and Fleur's wedding, Mr. Lovegood. We wondered what it meant." 

Mr. Lovegood looked surprised, like this was not the question or request he had been expecting. "Are you referring to the sign of the Deathly Hallows?" 

"The Deathly Hallows?" Harry asked. 

"That's right. You haven't heard of them? I'm not surprised. Very, very few wizards believe. Witness that knuckle headed young man at your brother's wedding who attacked me for sporting the symbol of a well-known Dark wizard! Such ignorance. There is nothing Dark about the Hallows- at least, not in that crude sense. One simply uses the symbol to reveal oneself to other believers, in the hope that they might help one with the Quest." 

"I'm sorry. I still don't really understand." Harry responded, taking a sip of his drink and I swear his face almost turned purple, putting the cup down quickly. I tossed him a sugar cube. 

"Well, you see, believers seek the Deathly Hallows." 

"But what are the Deathly Hallows?" Hermione asked. 

"I assume that you are all familiar with 'The Tale of the Three Brothers'?" 

"Yes." Hermione, Ron, and I all answered, though Harry answered in the negative. 

"Well, well, Mr. Potter, the whole thing starts with 'The Tale of the Three Brothers'. . . I have a copy somewhere. . ." He looked around at the mess of books and such and I rolled my eyes. I would have a better chance of reciting the story from memory than him finding the book in time. 

"I've got a copy, Mr. Lovegood, I've got it right here." Hermione said, pulling the book from her bag as she said so. 

"The original? Well then, why don't you read it aloud? Much the best way to make sure we all understand." 

"Er. . . all right." Hermione said awkwardly, opening the book up and started to read, "There were once three brothers who were traveling along a lonely, winding road at twilight-" 

"Midnight, our mum always told us." Ron interrupted and I threw a sugar cube at his head in annoyance. "Sorry, I just think it's a bit spookier if it's midnight!" 

"Yeah, because we really need a bit more fear in our lives." Harry said and I let out a short laugh, "Go on, Hermione." 

"In time, the brothers reached a river too deep to wade through and too dangerous to swim across. However, these brothers were learned in the magical arts, and so they simply waved their wands and made a bridge appear across the treacherous water. They were halfway across it when they found their path blocked by a hooded figure. And Death spoke to them-" 

"Sorry, but Death spoke to them?" Harry asked, sounding alarmed. I reached across the table, picking up the bowl of sugar cubes. 

"It's a fairy tale, Harry!" 

"Right, sorry. Go on." 

"And Death spoke to them. He was angry that he had been cheated out of three new victims, for travelers usually drowned in the river. But Death was cunning. He pretended to congratulate the three brothers upon their magic, and said that each had earned a prize for having been clever enough to evade him. 

"So the oldest brother, who was a combative an, asked for a wand more powerful than any in existence: a wand that must always wind duels for its owner, a wand worthy of a wizard who had conquered Death! So Death crossed to an elder tree on the banks of the river, fashioned a wand from a branch that hung there, and gave it to the older brother. 

"Then the second brother, who was an arrogant man, decided that he wanted to humiliate Death still further, and asked for the power to recall others from Death. So Death picked up a stone from the riverbank and gave it to the second brother, and told him that the stone would have the power to bring back the dead."

I shuddered, because I knew that was what I wanted. If only I could have a stone to bring everyone I loved back from the dead, then I didn't need to go through all of this trouble. But. . . they would not come back whole anyways. It was best to let the dead stay dead, no matter how much that pained me. 

"And then Death asked the third and youngest brother what he would like. The youngest brother was the humblest and also the wisest of the brothers, and he did not trust Death. So he asked for something that would enable him to go forth that place without being followed by Death. And Death, most unwillingly, handed over his own Cloak of Invisibility." 

"Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted once more, much to my annoyance. 

"So he can sneak up on people. Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking. . . sorry, Hermione." I smiled a little at Ron. I had forgotten what humor was over the past couple of months. 

"Then Death stood aside and allowed the three brothers to continue on their way, and they did so, talking with wonder of the adventure they had had, and admiring Death's gifts. 

"In Due course the brothers separated, each for his own destination. 

"The first brother traveled on for a week or more, and reaching a distant village, sought out a fellow wizard with whom he had a quarrel. Naturally, with the Elder Wand as his weapon, he could not fail to win the duel that followed. Leaving his enemy dead upon the floor, the oldest brother proceeded to an inn, where he boasted loudly of the powerful wand he had snatched from Death himself, and of how it made him invincible. 

"That very night, another wizard crept upon the oldest brother as he lay, wine-sodden, upon his bed. The thief took the wand and, for good measure, slit the oldest brother's throat. 

"And so Death took the first brother for his own."

I sighed to myself, looking out the window. The Lovegoods had a good amount of land, mostly sprawling green hills that weren't so green at the moment since they were covered with snow. The patches of grass that could be seen were more of a yellow-green-brown colour. There was a sliver of blue that ran off into the distance that must've been the river Luna would fish at, had she truly been home. 

"Well there you are." 

I gave a start, not even realizing Hermione had finished the story off. The book now laid closed in her lap. "Sorry?" She asked in confusion. 

"Those are the Deathly Hallows," Mr. Lovegood said, picking up a quill, pulling a piece of parchment from the many trapped in the books. "The Elder Wand. The Resurrection Stone. The Cloak of Invisibility." He said as he drew the triangle with the line and circle in the middle of it. "Together, the Deathly Hallows." 

"But there's no mention of the words 'Deathly Hallows' in the story." Hermione said. 

I rolled my eyes. Wasn't that every story? Every story had a hidden message or symbol in it that wasn't verbally said. It wasn't like at the end of Cinderella they said, 'work hard and it'll pay off!' That's why the story was told in the first place. 

"Well, of course not. That is a children's tale, told to amuse rather than to instruct. Those of us who understand these matters, however, recognize that the ancient story refers to three objects, or Hollows, which if united, will make the possessor master of Death." 

It was silent for a short moment until Lovegood continued, "Luna ought to have enough Plimpies soon." 

That was his code for, 'Luna is almost home', and my heart clenched in pity for the man, knowing that wasn't quite true. 

"When you say 'master of Death-" 

"Master. Conqueror. Vanquisher. Whichever term you prefer." 

"But then. . . do you mean. . . that you believe these objects- these Hallows- actually exist?" 

"Well, of course." 

"But, Mr. Lovegood, how can you possibly believe-" 

"Luna has told me all about you, young lady. You are, I gather, not unintelligent, but painfully limited. Narrow. Close-minded." 

I was going to defend her, but then thought there was a bit of truth to that. Truly, Hermione did have a hard time believing in things that weren't in front of her, that weren't instructed about specifically in books. Hermione was many things; brave, loyal, smart, kind, loving. But imagination was not her strong suit. 

"Perhaps you ought to try the hat, Hermione." Ron said, voice straining as he tried not to laugh. 

"Mr. Lovegood, we all know that there are such things as Invisibility Cloaks. They are rare, but they exist. But-" 

"Ah, but the Third Hallow is a true Cloak of Invisibility, Miss Granger! I mean to say, it is not a traveling cloak imbued with a Disillusionment Charm, or carrying a Bedazzling hex, or else woven from Demiguise hair, which will hide one initially but fade with the years until it turns opaque. We are talking about a cloak that really and truly renders the wearer completely invisible, and endures eternally, giving constant and impenetrable concealment, no matter what spells are cast at it. How many cloaks have you ever seen like that, Miss Granger?" 

I quickly shot her a look as she opened her mouth, but then she closed it again, glancing at me and then at Harry and Ron. 

"Exactly," Mr. Lovegood said, sounding victorious. "None of you have ever seen such a thing. The possessor would be immeasurably rich, would he not?" 

"Not necessarily." I mumbled under my breath. 

"All right, say the cloak existed. . . what about the stone, Mr. Lovegood? The thing you call the Resurrection stone?" 

"What of it?" 

"Well, how can that be real?" 

"Prove that it is not." Mr. Lovegood said plainly. 

Hermione became rather outraged at that. "But that's- I'm sorry, but that's completely ridiculous! How can I possibly prove it doesn't exist? Do you expect me to get hold of- of all the pebbles in the world and test them? I mean, you could claim that's anything's real if the only basis for believing in it is that nobody's proved it doesn't exist!" 

"Yes, you could. I am glad to see that you are opening your mind a little." 

"It makes sense, actually." I said slowly. "I mean, muggles don't believe in magic, right? They don't think that there are such things as unicorns or dragons or broomsticks. Perhaps there is a higher magic than us, something that hides from us the way we hide from Muggles. It is possible, is it not?" 

"Indeed." Mr. Lovegood said, looking thoughtful. 

"What about the Elder Wand?" Harry asked. "You think that exists too?" 

"Oh, well, in that case there is endless evidence. The Elder Wand is the Hollow that is most easily traced, because of the way in which it passes from hand to hand." 

"Which is what?" Harry asked. 

"Which is that the possessor of the wand must capture it from its previous owner, if he is to be truly master of it. Surely you have heard of the way the wand came to Egbert the Egregious, after his slaughter of Emeric the Evil? Of how Godelot died in his own cellar after his son, Hereward, took the wand from him? Of the dreadful Loxias, who took the wand from Barnabas Deverill, whom he killed? The bloody trail of the Elder Wand is splattered across the pages of Wizarding history." 

"They didn't exactly pay attention in History of Magic." I mumbled, smiling to myself, winking at Harry. 

"So where do you think the Elder Wand is now?" Ron asked, glancing over at me. I ignored him. I knew exactly where the Elder Wand is and I knew better than to touch it. 

"Alas who knows? Who knows where the Elder Wand lies hidden? The trail goes cold with Arcus and Livius. Who can say which of them really defeated Loxias, and which took the wand? And who can say who may have defeated them? History, alas, does not tell us." 

"Mr. Lovegood, does the Peverell family have anything to do with the Deathly Hallows?" 

The name meant nothing to be and I frowned a little. 

"But you have been misleading me, young woman! I thought you were new to the Hallows Quest! Many of us Questers believe that the Peverell's have everything- everything!- to do with the Hallows!" 

"Who are the Peverells?" Ron and I asked at the same time. Both Harry and Hermione seemed surprised with me at that, not that I blamed them. I usually had all the answers. 

"That was the name on the grave with the mark on it, in Godric's Hollow, Ignotus Peverell." Hermione answered. 

"Exactly! The sign of the Deathly Hallows on Ignotus's grave is conclusive proof!" 

"Of what?" Ron asked. 

"Why, that the three brothers in the story were actually the three Peverell brothers, Antioch, Cadmus, and Ignotus! That they were the original owners of the Hallows!" He got to his feet and then looked over, "You will stay for dinner? Everybody always requests our recipe for Freshwater Plimpy soup." 

"Probably to show the Poisoning Department at St. Mungo's." Ron muttered underneath his breath. I snorted. 

"What do you think?" Harry asked Hermione and I as Mr. Lovegood was downstairs now, moving around, clattering dishes. 

 "Oh, Harry," Hermione answered first, "it's a pile of utter rubbish. This can't be what the sign really means. This must just be his weird take on it. What a waste of time." 

"I s'pose this is the man who brought us Crumple-Horned Snorkacks." Ron said skeptically, backing Hermione up. 

"You don't believe it either?" Harry asked. 

"Nah, that story's just one of those things you tell kids to teach them lessons, isn't it? 'Don't go looking for trouble, don't pick fights, don't go messing around with stuff that's best left alone! Just keep your head down, mind your own business, and you'll be okay.' Come to think of it, maybe that story's why elder wands are supposed to be unlucky." 

"What are you talking about?" 

"One of those superstitions, isn't it? 'May-born wiches will marry Muggles.' 'Jinx by twilight, undone by midnight.' 'Wand of elder, never prosper.' You must've heard them. My mum's full of them." Ron said. 

"Harry and I were raised by Muggles," Hermione said while I rolled my eyes. "We were taught different superstitions. I think you're right. It's just a morality tale, it's obvious which gift is best, which one you'd chosen-" 

"Cloak." Hermione said. 

"The wand." Ron said. 

"The stone." Harry and I said at the same time, though I said mine more mindlessly, mine on other things. 

I tuned out the rest of the conversation, wondering how much longer I would be putting this facade up before the Death Eaters showed up. I wondered how much my presence would affect things. After all, looking at it like I wasn't here, they would get away. But my presence was already a permanent fixture, so Voldemort would be looking for me. I had to do something about it, get him off of dads' back and keep him safe. 

Eventually, I was jolted back when Harry said, "Elizabeth? What do you think?" 

I glanced around at all of them and shrugged, "I haven't been looking into the future much and I don't know much about this story. I do know that there's some proof of an unbeatable wand, or at least stories of it throughout history. And obviously, your invisibility cloak is very different from other invisibility cloaks. The stone however. . . technically it doesn't bring back the dead so I suppose it could possibly exist but I feel that if it was found, there would be more documentation on it." 

We lapsed back into silence, before Harry slowly stood after some time, moving upstairs. Out of curiosity, I followed him into Luna's room, despite Hermione calling after us not to. 

It was as I expected. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and myself were painted on the ceiling. But something I had not expected was Trang to be in there as well. All of us still linked by the golden ink of friends. I wondered how much time it had taken her. 

"Harry. . . the room." I murmured. 

Harry descended the stairs as Mr. Lovegood ascended the kitchen ones. "Mr. Lovegood, where's Luna?" 

"Excuse me?" 

"Where's Luna?" 

"I- I've already told you. She is down at Bottom Bridge, fishing for Plimpies." 

"So why have you only set that tray for four?" I asked. 

There was no noise except the shaking of silverware as they rattled in the tray, and the printing press that sounded like it was going to die any second. I stepped down another step. 

"I don't think Luna has been here for weeks. Her clothes are gone, her bed hasn't been slept in. Where is she? And why do you keep looking out of the window?" 

He dropped the tray, freezing as the other three drew their wands. I slipped mine into my hand as well. 

"Harry look at this." Hermione said, picking up one of the magazines. 

"The Quibbler's going for a new angle, then?" Harry asked after a moment. "Is that what you were doing when you went into the garden, Mr. Lovegood? Sending an owl to the Ministry?" 

"They took my Luna. Because of what I've been writing. They took my Luna and I don't know where she is, what they've done to her. But they might give her back to me if I- if I-" 

"Hand Harry and Elizabeth over?" Hermione finished. 

"No deal, get out of the way, we're leaving." Ron said. 

"They will be here at any moment. I must save Luna. I cannot lose Luna. You must not leave." 

Despite the predicament, I could only feel pity for the man. He did not know that they would save Luna, so he thought he was going to lose her. I could only imagine the terrible things I would do to get Remus back. Because that's what parents did: protect their children no matter what. 

"HARRY!" Hermione screamed, jolting me out of my thoughts once more. I should've gotten more sleep last night, I kept fazing out. 

Harry tackled Ron and Hermione as Mr. Lovegood drew his wand. His spell hit the Erumpent horn, which made the room explode. 

My back slammed into the metal rungs of the stairs I had still been standing on. I curled in on myself as heavy books and other objects rained down on me. I was going to have a lot of bruises tomorrow morning. 

I groaned, sitting up as everything settled. Harry was also raising himself up. I couldn't see Ron or Hermione from where I was. I gingerly stood up, wiping off white plaster dust from my traveling cloak. 

I heard the door downstairs crash open and then a furious voice said, "Didn't I tell you there was no need to hurry, Travers? Didn't I tell you this nutter was just raving as usual?" 

"No. . . no. . . upstairs. . . Potter! And Kane!" Mr. Lovegood croaked out after he let out a squeal of pain for whatever they had done to him. I bit my bottom lip. 

"I told you last week, Lovegood, we weren't coming back for anything less than some solid information! Remember last week? When you wanted to swap your daughter for that stupid bleeding headdress? And the week before-" There was another bang and squeal. I flinched. "- when you thought we'd give her back if you offered us proof there are Crumple" -bang, flinch- "Headed" -bang flinch- "Snorkacks?" 

"No- no- I beg you! It really is Potter and Kane! Really!" 

"And now it turns out you only called us here to try and blow us up!" 

"The place looks like it's about to fall in, Selwyn. The stairs are completely blocked. Could try clearing it? Might bring the place down." 

"You lying piece of filfth." Selwyn was content to ignore everything everyone was saying, "You've never seen Potter or Kane in your life, have you? Thought you'd lure us back here to kill us, did you? And you think you'll get your girl back like this." 

"I swear. . . I swear. . . Potter and Kane's upstairs!" 

"Homenum Revlio." 

I clapped a hand over my mouth to keep my gasp from being audible, but it didn't matter because I heard Hermione gasp from behind a pile of debris. 

"There's some up there all right, Selwyn." 

"It's Potter and Kane, I tell you, it's them! Please. . . please. . . give me Luna, just let me have Luna. . ." 

"You can have your little girl Lovegood, if you get up those stairs and bring me down Harry Potter and Elizabeth Kane. But if this is a plot, if it's a trick, if you've got an accomplice waiting up there to ambush us, we'll see if we can spare you a bit of your daughter for you to bury." 

I wiped away a tear that had come down my cheek at some point. I quickly moved across the debris, helping Harry out. Harry, Hermione, and I climbed our way over to Ron, Harry having to help me over some of the largest objects. 

"All right. Do you trust me, Harry?" 

Harry nodded. 

"Okay then, give me the Invisibility Cloak. Ron, you're going to put it on." 

"Me? But Harry-" 

"Just do it." I hissed. "Harry, hold Hermione's hand. Ron, grab my shoulder. Hermione, you obliviate Lovegood, I'll blast the floor open." 

We waited, hearing Mr. Lovegood scrabbling against the furniture that had blocked the stairwell. 

I waited, before I finally heard Hermione shout, "Obliviate!" 

"Deprimo!" I shouted, pointing my wand at the floor. I could feel Ron's hand tighten on my shoulder. We fell through the floor, and my eyes searched out the Death Eaters. I met eyes with Selwyn and he raised his wand at me. Thankfully, Hermione twisted in midair, pulling the three of us with her, and with air squeezing through my lungs, we disappeared into nothingness. 

⬅️➡️

[creepydoll907]

Lost 3.9kgs/ 8.6pounds- TW ED and Weight mention- storytime

Hello Dolls, guess who's back?

I'd like to start off by saying I am 5'4 feet or a 163cm so the body weights I'll mention aren't unhealthy on me. Also I'm 20years old. Minors go eat so you can be as tall as Sneja. Go!!

3 months ago when I was chronically binging and at such a low point in my life I was 53.5 kgs or ~118 pounds. I found this out at the doctor's so I hadn't the chance to weight myself again.

However I have since got a weight scale and when I jumped on 8 days ago found out I was 52.8kgs (116.5lbs). I had been eating healthier and working out so I had expected to be lighter so when I saw that number I broke down.

I am now 49.6kgs or ~109.3 pounds.

Anyways I attribute a large amount of my going down to 50kg to doing HIIT cardio yt videos to burn calories. I ate wholefood and intermittent fasted during this time. But I ate every day. Probably around 1000cal. Unless I went out.

Honestly i was in my healthy girl era. I had a very positive mindset around food and I was feeling really good.

However, I do not recommend HIIT Cardio especially if you're having a bad case of BED because these work outs would give me the most painful hunger ever. Like believe me this was no mental hunger. It was physical, raw and hurt so much. I now only plan to do these workouts the day after a binge or after I overeat.

The problems started when I accidentally got nicotine poisoning. Obviously I didn't go to the doctor but I think I gave myself temporary gastroparesis. My stomach felt so weird that I freaked out and started binging again. However because I was still intermittent fasting I would binge in an hour so the damage wasn't as bad as If I were to binge throughout the day.

Anyways I finally weighted myself again today and I was 49.8kgs. Tbh I binged pretty badly today. I think because of stress and exhaustion. It hurts because I'm finally back in the 40kgs range and I could weight myself tomorrow morning just to find out it's gone. But I had told myself I would be allowed to post again on tumblr once I was below 50kgs and so I'm going to publish this post as motivation for myself.

What helped me/ Recovery

What really helped me was being healthy.

I didn't do fasts that were longer than 24hrs and would mostly do 18hr fasts. Even if I binged.

Guys I know it's annoying hearing the whole 'don't starve yourself after a binge' talk but honestly, it'll be the skinniest influencers that give you this advice. So maybe they have a point?

Yes I've been binging these days but it's because my mental health is declining again and I'm high-key too busy to think about my weight 24/7.

But when I wasn't binging and losing weight I had good mental health. I also ate enough every day to have normal sleep function. And knowing I get to eat every day given I'd stopped doing long fasts would help me put the fork down.

Honestly the fact that I was so healthy and content with my body before I gave myself gastroparesis makes me believe I was recovering?

I've also realised I can lose wight whilst not being miserable and sleep-deprived all the time if I just eat enough to function properly and have energy. So recovery defo seems like a possibility.

It's hard though. i saw an anorexic girl today and she looked just as pale and ghastly as I did back at my worst. And it makes me romanticise the era.

Summary

Eat every day.

Eat healthy wholefood.

Don't do drugs or alcohol.

Don't be obsessed with food.

Challenge yourself to eat in a calorie defecit whilst still being healthy.

If you are a minor go drink your milk so you can be tall T-T

Outro

To all my followers, I have stopped doing my 'Day x of WL' series because it was a lot of mental pressure. Also not having to update my tumblr account helped me focus on actually losing weight instead of being mentally anorexic. But it was so fun and I loved doing the series I'm sad to see it go.

You'l hear from me again once I am ~47kgs or a ~107lbs.

Take care and stay safe.

Much love,

Doll

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

I fucked up BIG

I had my usual rant all prepared for the afternoon when I fatfingered it. I hadn't blocked my ex on my main account so that they could communicate with me about their dog, who's staying in the apartment while they're out on their....... whatever staycation.

The detective was supposed to be by tomorrow, but they were able to come out after I got off work. So they served my ex with the warrant for the computer, but I don't think they were necessarily able to get a warrant for the hard-drive, which my ex took with fOr SoMe MySteRiOuS rEaSOn.

Anyway, just before they came through, my ex had stopped by to get the dog. They forgot their keys??? I've never seen them forget their keys. I just gave them the leash, dog attached, and the dog did the rest.

Finally, about an hour ago, their new plaything brought the dog back. She is seriously sick. I hope it's not contagious.

Anyway, so my dumb ass was all crowing about how amazing my life has become--I have a stable employer, I've had a really stable living condition. I don't think my partner necessarily meant to give me that self-esteem boost, but I deserve it. We have had money to pay rent every single month. And in large part, I owe that to myself. Now, there were a few months where she did carry us herself. She does deserve that little credit. Those few months were awesome. This place was so fucking clean. There were even a few months where we both worked. Not at all sure where the fuck all that money went to.

I was also stupidly, stupidly crowing about how the fertility situation was actually good, I'm just concerned that the sperm was bunk.

Then, like I mentioned, I mentioned the cops coming to literally solve our dispute over the computer. It was mostly coincidence that she was apparently coming back, keys in hand, to supposedly return the dog, and she ran into the cops.

I put all my fucking cards out there in this stupid blog post. I can't fucking believe she got it open or up so fucking quick. All I can fucking hope is she navigated away from it before she could record it. But that's a slim hope.

I have been so fucking sleep deprived this week. I'm really happy between the depression and my hormones, things are going better for me physically, because otherwise these last few weeks, I'm not sure how I would have been able to handle things. In the about hour between the time they called to say they were on their way, and the time they arrived, I actually passed the fuck out and I was so fucking groggy when they got here.

The camera gal took pictures of e v e r y t h i n g. And I am not even remotely proud of how this place looks, it is abso-fuckin-lutely trashed. It is so embarrassing. It's still gonna be a dump when I'm fully out.

I filed a TRO. Between this and the CSAM issue..........I see soooooooooo many hours in court in my future.........

That my ex finally blocked me is of truly cold comfort. It is not that hard to make up new accounts to keep an eye on people. Even if I cut and dyed my hair and posted a whole entire thing about a negative pregnancy test, I've shown that I can apparently lie pretty goddamn well when I feel unsafe. Or, sorry, apparently, according to my ex, I don't feel unsafe. I'm making it up for attention.

False, but, potayto potahto, right? I have plenty of reasons to feel unsafe around my ex. I'm no longer of any value to them with someone more malleable and with more money around. They've pointed a gun at me so many times, but like hahaha like funny don't be so serious take a joke. Her first response when ending it was to clear out the bank account of my money. Money that I earned. Money that was supposed to go to rent and utilities for the person who earned it. Instead, she high-rolled her fucking vacation with it. But oh, I guess she really needed it more than I do.

So yeah, this high likelihood of pregnancy could turn out to just be really good evidence that the engines just need some actually functional sperm and she still wouldn't believe me. I wouldn't be safe.

So I at least need a restraining order.

Anyway, I need sleep. With this level of stress, I probably am going to have to try again later. With all the fucking harassing and lying and bullying, I wouldn't be surprised if it did get fertilized but my uterus was just like, nope! My eyes are struggling to focus so I'm out

[cyberfeather]

A Moment of Rest

Pairing: Thrawn x Eli Vanto

Summary: Not long after their first meeting, Eli accidentally falls asleep on Thrawn’s shoulder.

.                                                                            

Thrawn doesn’t expect the cadet who serves as his translator to drowse off and fall asleep on his shoulder. It is getting late and they have been conversing for a while, that’s true, but the human should have many reasons to be wary of him. It’s obviously no secret to him that Thrawn has killed to board this ship. So, seeing the Imperial lower his guard around him despite this knowledge is surprising, almost as much as it’s interesting.

Eli feels warm against Thrawn’s side, and his hair is brushing against his nape, tickling his skin. This is the closest Thrawn has been to someone in years. The strict protocolary rules of the Ascendancy didn’t allow much, if any, physical contact, and neither did exile. But although this startles him, he makes no move to push Eli away.

Ever since they met, they have been inexorably drawn to each other, to an extent Thrawn didn’t plan for. Though on paper, it is rather simple: Eli is eager to learn more about the legendary Chiss he apparently heard so many tales about and Thrawn needs him to gather knowledge on the way of his people. The more he’ll learn about the Empire before reaching Coruscant, the better.

And so, it is easy to pretend he’s only tolerating this to get a tactical advantage, and not because there’s something more complex at play, something that takes roots in budding feelings he’s pointedly refusing to examine right now.

Thrawn is used to looking at the galaxy through a military lens, to divide people between foes and allies. And while Eli quite obviously falls into the second category, there’s also something different to him, something Thrawn can’t put his finger on quite yet. He’s useful to his schemes, sure, but he’s also intriguing, in a way none of the other Imperials are.

Some of their conversations have lasted for hours, and never once has he been bored by them. Maybe it’s because Thrawn has been alone for so long, but he loves to talk with Eli, to discover in which way their thought patterns differ. Even this, having Eli rest against him, is… Well, not unpleasant, at the very least.

He also can’t help but notice that the position Eli fell asleep in is sure to get him a sore neck. The sensible course of action would probably be to shake him awake. Instead, Thrawn shifts slightly, causing the cadet to move a few centimeters to the left, which lessens the strain on his muscles. Eli stirs a little to get more comfortable, and in doing so, wraps an arm around Thrawn and lays his hand on his chest, but doesn’t wake up.

Even though there’s no one to witness his reaction, Thrawn still tries his hardest to act unaffected and to keep an impassible expression. Having to interact with the high spheres of the Ascendancy taught him to police his emotions, no matter the circumstances, and old habits die hard. Coincidently, that same discipline helps him to stay perfectly still and not disturb Eli, who’s now holding tight onto him.

The carefully crafted illusion he created to persuade himself that his close bond with the human is nothing more than a means to an end shatters into a million pieces.

Thrawn hopes things won’t get too uncomfortable between them once Eli wakes up, because it’s already taking all of his self-control not to look flustered as-is. He’s already come up with a few believable excuses to explain his reluctance to bother his rest, most of them revolving around how much the Chiss value politeness. Thrawn wishes he could trick his own mind so easily, wishes he could convince himself this is nothing but a matter of courtesy. Still, he’s not that foolish.

His newfound affection for Eli, no matter how unsettling, is a parameter he can’t ignore. Better take it into consideration now than let his enemies use it against him later. This might become either a strength or a weakness, depending on how he plays his next cards. One thing is sure: Thrawn doesn’t intend on leaving it up to chance.

The good thing is, he has all the time to plan ahead, as he patiently watches over Eli’s sleep.

[theprojectava]

The Silent War

Sooo...remember the last post s8 fix-it post I made? I wrote a little something for it (I’ll upload it on ao3, too, but I still have to make an account there).

It’s not beta read and I suck at writing stuff in English since it’s not my mother tongue. Please bear with me. :)

(Fic’s under the cut)

Our room is dark, the blinds are shut tight

And everything is still too much outside

When he left it hurt like hell. It felt like Shiro had finally run out of time. He should've said something sooner.

There had always been tomorrow, another time, next week, after this mission,when this meeting's over, promise, I'll tell him then!

The war had finally, officially ended. But not for them. The universe was in disarray – all the Galra Empire had left in its wake were ruins and ashes of whole worlds burnt to nothing. The war had never stopped and so their duties as Paladins and diplomats of planet Earth continued to tear them apart. Silently. For no one to see. Not even Shiro.

He only felt the sensation of something finally ripping, when it was too late. Keith was gone. By the time they noticed, he was already on the other end of the known universe, fighting off war criminals and rebuilding what was left of civilizations that had taken the brunt of the Empire's wrath over thousands of years. Somebody had to do it, Shiro told himself again and again. And of course it had to be Keith. This was what he was born for. The stars. If he was completely honest with himself he had always known that the younger man was never meant to stay on the ground with both his feet. The moment he had seen him so many years ago, he had known. Keith was meant to fly and reach for the stars or go crashing down with them.

But it still hurt so much. Because in spite of knowing that this day would come, he still wasn't prepared to let him go. He wasn't prepared to lose the man that meant everything to him.

Maybe it had taken him too long to realize what Keith really meant to him. That he couldn't live without him by his side. There had always been tomorrow, another time, next week... The possibility that there would be a tomorrow without Keith by his side seemed so impossible after all they went through. But maybe that's what went wrong in the end. Shiro had taken Keith for granted – a constant in his life that would always be there, no matter what. And now it was too late.

It may be over but not tonight

I may be older but I still cry

I can't stop sleeping in your clothes

You can't stop calling on the phone

Keith never reacted to any of his text messages. Whether it was because he was busy... or for a whole different reason Shiro didn't even want to think of, he didn't know. Silence was all there was between them now. With every unanswered message the hurt sunk deeper into his heart. It festered there and turned into bitterness with every passing month. He felt hollow inside. As Admiral and part of the Terran Delegation there was quite enough work on his hands to keep him busy for most of the day. But every time he'd come back home to a dark apartment and cold sheets he felt like sinking deeper into an all consuming emptiness. He should've given up trying to contact Keith by now. He knew that. In fact he should've stopped thinking about the other man every waking hour. The only problem was... he didn't know how. It was all he'd ever done.

Can't you see I'm in recovery?

Just let it be, I'm in recovery

I'm holding on, I know I'm almost there

Storm reach out and tell me that you care

It stung like a knife to the chest when he found out that he seemed to be the only one who hadn't heard of Keith for almost a year. He'd met up with Pidge at one point, visited Lance and Allura on New Altea merely two months ago. He'd even made it to congratulate Hunk on his family's new house in person... The only one who hadn't seen him ever since he left... was Shiro.

Later he'd wonder if that had been the last straw. If that was what finally broke him. When he found out Keith was back on earth for a few days without telling him, he snapped. He packed all his stuff and left his office like a raging storm. He knew he shouldn't corner Keith like that. He knew deep down, that it was wrong. Patience yields focus, remember? But he didn't care for one second. His whole body felt numb, yet at the same time so full of cold anger. He needed answers. Nobody stopped him when he mounted one of the hoverbikes and sped off into the desert. He knew exactly where to find Keith.

When he reached the shack he knew Keith was there, even before he saw the younger man's pale face in the door frame. He was hurting them. Both of them and Shiro knew. But there was no turning back from this conversation now. There was no way this could go on for any longer. Shiro already felt like crumbling to pieces, he couldn't stand the silence anymore. At this point he really believed that he couldn't hurt much more. He'd been through torture and war. He'd survived the pits. He'd survived experimentation and losing his arm. He died and came back... But there was no way he could withstand this.

The moment they started talking Shiro could already tell Keith was closing in on himself, building up walls even he couldn't tear down anymore. The telltale twitching of his hands, the way his shoulders hunched... Keith was unreadable to most people. Anyone else would've thought of him as indifferent to what was going on. Shiro, on the other hand, knew what to look for. He could read Keith like a book. And that's where the fighting began.

Being shut out felt like a slap in the face. It burnt right down to his very core.

“It's better this way”, Keith told him. “I'm sorry...”

They screamed at each other. They cried. Two thrashing animals caught in a trap, neither of them ready to go down. Ultimately, it was all in vain. Keith had made his decision, for reasons unknown. He'd take this secret to the grave if he had to. Shiro would never know what drove the former Red Paladin away from him. But his choice was final.

Tears burnt in his eyes, when he turned to leave. He never wanted to do this... But the words bubbled up unbidden, nonetheless.

“Fine... If that's what you want. I won't stop you”, he looked back at Keith and saw the exact moment the words registered and hit home. “But don't expect me to be there when you decide to come back one day.”

That day he had hurt Keith in a way, he'd never forgive himself for. There was no going back from this. The damage had been done. He left without looking back, not expecting Keith to reach out and keep him from leaving. He never did, anyway.

I'm finally sober, I see the light

The worst is over, nobody died

I'm still trying to let you go

Oh baby, please, leave me alone

A brand new war began. One that Shiro wasn't sure he'd survive – a silent war. No one else could see it, but they could feel it. There was tension wherever Shiro went, hanging in the air around him like thick rain clouds. None of his friends dared saying anything – they all knew. They had to know. Because Keith never showed up to any of their anniversaries on New Altea, again. It was a silent war and this... this was Keith's way of opening fire. Shiro embraced it. Swallowed it. And then cried it out into the darkness of his empty bedroom, when no one else would hear.

Can't you see I'm in recovery?

Just let it be, I'm in recovery

I know you wanna say you're sorry

But I don't wanna hear that story

Days bled into weeks, weeks bled into months. His heartache wouldn't fade. Shiro's chest had become an open wound refusing to heal. When was the last time he had laughed? He didn't know. All he did these days was work himself into the ground, working overtime for hours on end until he was either too tired to think or fell asleep in his office. That was until he fainted during a meeting. There's only so much sleep deprivation a human-Galra-hybrid clone body can endure.

When he came to himself again there was a man hovering over him. He remembered him from the Atlas. One of the bridge staff. What was his name again? Carl? Curtis? Curtis.

“Are you alright, Sir?”, he asked.

It's weird... how things change so fast.

Turned out Curtis was what Shiro needed. For the moment. Talking to him was easy... kissing him was easier. Easy was good for now.

They moved in together after dating for a few months. Shiro proposed after another two or three. Of course Curtis said yes. Everything was easy with him. So why did Shiro feel like he was drowning? Sending the invitations to their wedding earned him a few rounds of interrogation from his friends, especially Allura and Pidge. They'd picked up on what had occurred between him and Keith – mainly because Keith had quite regular meetings with Allura and Lance on New Altea, since he became a senior member of the Blades... At least that's what Shiro heard. Both of them knew how much Shiro was hurting, but all they could do was give him sympathetic glances. They knew why Keith did what he did. That maybe protecting his own poor heart from potential hurt was what led to them silently tearing each other apart. It hurt to watch.

Of course they sent an invitation to Daibazaal, too. Since none of them knew Keith's current location, they'd chosen to send it to Krolia instead, knowing Keith would get it, sooner or later. That was Shiro's counterblow in this cold war between them.

Always thought you'd be the one

Who always needed me

My home, you'd be my home

After the wedding, the silence only grew. As did the emptiness in Shiro's life. His marriage lasted for a whole 2 years. The time it took them to get divorced included. There were no “I told you so”s from his friends – only support and a lot of hugs. Shiro didn't know what was worse. Because he himself had known this relationship was meant to crash and burn the moment he had proposed. Maybe before.

He felt terrible. Throwing his own heart in the line of fire because he couldn't let go of someone who clearly didn't want him was one thing... Pulling Curtis into this and putting his heart on the line as well, was a whole different thing. Has he always been such a terrible human being? Could this be the reason why Keith left? Because he'd seen how Shiro hurts the people around him on purpose? There was no way of knowing now. Keith was long gone... and yet, he was still everything Shiro ever knew.

Suddenly, your memory

In time is like an enemy, so cold

Five years. It had been five years since the last time they saw each other. Back in Keith's shack. Shiro's last words still rang in his ears, loud and clear. It had taken him a year or so, until he realized he'd used the same words Adam had thrown at him, before he'd left for the Kerberos mission. It felt like a lifetime ago. Another thing in a long line of things he regretted voicing or not voicing in front of Keith. It seemed like he never told Keith the most important things. But if he did tell him anything, only the wrong things came out. Things he never wanted anyone to hear. Unfair things.

The universe, as Shiro had known it, was in shambles.

A soft ping was all it took to tilt the universe back into the right direction. It was 3:00 am. An unusual time to get notifications nowadays. Shiro had stepped back from a few positions in the past year, slowly letting others take the reins. It was time for him to go back and teach at the Garrison... Or maybe... Maybe one day he'd see the stars again. He could hear them calling already.

Another ping and he was fully awake. With half lidded eyes a grabbed his phone. The bright orange light was nearly blinding in the darkness of his bedroom. He took one look at the display and nearly dropped the device into his own face. Wha-... Was he dreaming?!

There were two messages glaring back at him, taunting him. This had to be a dream. It had to.

Keith (03:02):

Dear Shiro.... I know I fucked up royally. Fuck, I'm not good at this. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's been a while..... But can we maybe talk?

Keith (03:03):

I understand if you don't want to. I'll leave you alone if you don't want to see me. But I... I can't do this any longer.

Shiro's heartbeat was deafening. Blood rushed in his ears. He had to pinch himself to make sure this wasn't another cruel dream.

This was happening. This was really happening. It had been five years. Five years of silence.

His fingers moved before he could even register what was happening and pressed “send”.

Shiro (03:05):

Don't be. We both did a lot of fucking up. We can talk whenever you want.

It took about ten minutes and Shiro was ready to dose off again, when his phone went off. It wasn't a text message this time. But a video call.

“Hey.”

A single word. It only took a single word... His voice was tinny and rougher than he remembered. His hair had gotten longer. Long enough to be braided actually. There was an edge to his face that hadn't been there when Shiro last saw him. But it was Keith. Sweet, beautiful Keith.

“Hey”, Shiro replied, his voice raspy and thick with emotions.

They talked. They actually talked. At 3:00 am. Not about what happened between them, not about the reason why Keith left, not about Shiro's marriage or divorce. But they talked about small things, like Keith's latest mission or that annoying woman from the canteen who didn't get the message Shiro was into men. But who could blame her? Ever since Curtis Shiro had never tried dating again.

When they finally hung up it was with the promise of meeting up when Keith got back to earth next month. It was almost 5:00 am. Neither him nor Keith had said it out loud, but it hung between them, so thick it was almost palpable.

“I miss you.”

Can't you see I'm in recovery?

Meeting Keith after all this time was like finally, finally putting the shards of his universe back together. Like finally laying their weapons down and calling off the war they had started on that fateful day in the shack.

It was awkward at first... until it wasn't.

One touch, a simple hand on a shoulder kind of touch, was all it took to open the gates to a flood. There were tears. Lots of tears. Tears of joy and sorrow, of forgiveness and apology. Years worth of silence were shattered by a flood of words. Once they started they couldn't stop. Hugging each other and holding on tight, never wanting to let go ever again.

“I'm so sorry”, whispered Keith in between ugly sobs. “I'm so, so sorry. I thought-... I thought-”

“Shhh”, Shiro tried to calm him, tightening his hold on Keith. But the younger man wasn't having it.

“No-... No, you have to hear this.”

He leaned back a little until he could look into Shiro's eyes. His eyes were red and still full of unshed tears.

“I'm sorry I ran”, Keith tried again. This time his voice was steadier. “I didn't know what to do. I thought... After the war you... You deserved better.”

“Better?”, Shiro frowned. “Better than what?”

“Me.”

At that moment it felt like Shiro's heart would burst out of his chest.

Before he could say anything Keith continued: “I... I thought after all you've been through, you deserved a life far away from war and fights and-... I knew I couldn't give you this.”

Another sob rocked Keith's lean body. He'd bulked up a little over the past few years, but he still felt so small and fragile in Shiro's arms.

“I never wanted to hurt you. But... I was afraid... Of hurting myself.”

There was a moment of silence. But a different kind of silence – a pleasant one. Finally, finally Shiro understood.

“You were trying to protect your heart”, he whispered.

Keith's eyes went wide for a second. But he nodded nonetheless. There was nothing left for him to lose. He'd lived five years without Shiro by his side... He'd been through hell already. All because he couldn't just tell Shiro how he felt.

“Well”, the corners of Shiro's mouth turned up into a soft smile. “there's no need to. Never was.”

Again Keith's eyes went wide, his brows rising almost comically high. Slowly, to give him enough time to pull back if that wasn't what he wanted, Shiro leaned down, until their lips were almost touching.

“I never told you this. I never found the right moment... and then you were gone”, with every word their lips brushed against each other. Keith closed his eyes. “Maybe I can tell you now.”

And with that he closed the distance between them.

Kissing Keith was everything he ever imagined it would be... and still so much more. The soft, warm feeling of his lips, the slow drag of his tongue against Shiro's bottom lip were intoxicating. He was done for. He knew that the moment he had to lean back and take a breath. He already missed the warmth of Keith's lips on his.

“I love you.”

The confession left his lips and he couldn't stop. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

Tears filled the younger man's eyes again.

“I love you, too.”

For the first time in years it felt like there was a silver lining at the horizon.

They could to this. They could make this right. It had taken them five years, but finally, finally the universe seemed whole again.

The war of silence was finally over.

Song: “Recovery” by LP

[evening-blossoms]

So um. I'm a total idiot and forgot an entire day of my own challenge. I was gonna keep it that way since nobody had noticed but... that day was something I'd wanted to talk about for a while so...

Welcome to the very late and out-of-schedule day 10 of my SGE Challenge

Characters I would rewrite

Buckle down cause oooooh boy do I have shit to say - and because of this I'll be deviating from what I usually do and write a rant post instead! Given I don't want to make a way too long post, I'll simply go over a brief explanation of why they're in the list and what I'd change.

Kei of Foxwood (tw: drugging mention)

So this fucking asshole here apparently will get a redemption arc uh. I Actually already talked about this in this post I submitted but I will go over it again because it was kinda poorly worded imo (especially because it was written by sleep-deprived me at 3am)

Which is poorly driven given it starts with "Oh No! My beloved Rhian is dead, what shall be of me without my dear?". No. A good redemption arc should start with "Fuck I did something terrible and genuinly regret this and want to work on becoming a better person and fixing the mess I've made." Also, seems like Kei's form of redemption will be death and no, he should live with the consequences of what he's done.

Speaking of which - his redemption will also feel like an insult to the readers because seriously? He's way past redemption point for me now. He already was from QFG when he drugged Dot (which was something quite unecessary and Soman used an Extremely complicated and sensitive topic for the sake of shock value - but that's a whole new rabbit hole I'm not jumping into right now). And in ACOT he follows Rhian's orders which include attacking practically defenseless teenagers

So with that in mind, I'd either have Kei die the piece of shit he is or rewrite his arc from QFG in order to make a good redemption. First, erase that part with Dot and find another way to get to the keys. Again, it was an act that can be considered violence against women written down just for shock value. Given we do not have other scenes with Kei (except for the dungeons one), I'll leave it that for QFG.

In ACOT, start on his very first actual scene - the dinner scene. Have him hesitant on following Rhian's orders there, and perhaps hint it goes a bit deeper than hesitance. Then escalate it to him openly challenging Rhian's orders during that moment before the Blessing. The attack on SGE would be the first moment we see a greater act from him - maybe somehow going behind Rhian's back to stop that attack??? His last scene in the book is during the carriage ride with Sophie - when Kei tells her he's been going behind Rhian's back to stop the attacks he was able to, and knew he had to fix he'd made when he locked Tedros in the dungeons back in QFG. He agrees to help her somehow - but it goes terribly wrong when Japeth survives.

I myself still need to see a bit more how that could be well executed but that's the basic idea - have Kei's actions start from much earlier and have doing the right thing as motivation, not his love for Rhian - if anything, that should be a source of struggle.

Hort of Bloodbrook

This is can be either a rewrite of his own arc or a rewrite of the light he's written in.

He is a Nice Guy tm. Lets not try to pretend he isn't because he is.

He spends the entire first trilogy obssessing over Sophie, and acting entitled to her because he's a guy who's "genuine and truthful" or what so ever. Sure, Sophie might not be a perfect innocent girl and she did treat people who cared for her like shit at times, but that doesn't change the fact she never liked him. And even though she was wrong in parading him around like a "suitor" when trying to win Tedros' attention, she never again makes mention to liking Hort, or wanting to date him, or what so ever, and honestly, good for her! You should never date someone just because they have feelings for you.

Liking someone doesn't make you entitled to having them, and it doesn't make them obligated to like you back. And this what Hort can't understand. And not to mention he acts pretty sexist during the School Years:

"Every time he was free of rivals for Sophie’s attention, they always returned, more meddling than ever. Why couldn’t these toads mind their own business? Or die like Rafal did? True, he’d had Sophie to himself these past six months, but most of that was spent waiting out her I’m-an-Independent-Woman phase..." Quests for Glory, chapter 9: "Who Would Want a Hort?"

And also later during ACOT, in which he treats Nicola pretty badly

“Not bad enough, whatever it is,” Hort’s voice said, hijacking the demon. “He got us into this mess by fawning over Rhian like a lovedrunk girl.”

“Oh, so being a ‘girl’ is an insult now?” Nicola’s voice ripped, the demon suddenly looking animated in agreement. (A Crystal Of Time, chapter 5: Sophie's Choice)

There are other examples but I don't want to digress so this is how Hort is. I'd like to rewrite him into a person who had a immature crush on a girl and bent over backwards to get her attention - all of this a product of his own insecurity - but that grows out of it and in the process, also into a mature person who's confident in himself.

Also, in case someone doesn't understand: the problem isn't a crush. Having crushes is totally normal and ok, and so is not having them! The problem is when your crush over someone becomes nearly obssessive because of your immaturity and inner problems.

And as I was gonna talk about the light Hort's written in: all of this bullshit, and he's written as the nice underdog who we are supposed to root for. Soman keeps romanticizing him and that kind of behavior and that's terrible. So I'd either change Hort's behavior or write him in the light of what it truly is.

Rhian of Foxwood

Honestly? I liked him as a villain. I have no problem with him believing he was doing Good - in fact, I liked it! It's a good contrast to the previous villains, who knew they were Evil, wanted to be this way and took pride in it.

What I would change are just two things: one is that last kiss scene with Sophie during chapter 25 of ACOT, since it was absolute bullshit after all the shit he did to her which I don't feel the need to list - we all know it.

Second thing, I'd have made him a seer! Soman missed a huge potential when he made Rhian a Sader without giving him the seer abilities. That whole "Third Mysterious Pen" deal was unecessary, and it could be replaced by Rhian's visions.

And guys, come on - EVIL SEER IS A DOPE CONCEPT.

Nicola of Woods Beyond

Don't get me wrong, I love Nicola - and this is kind of why she's in this list, actually.

She's an amazing character - bookworm represent! She's also one of the few poc representation this book has, so I like it went to someone as amazing and smart as Nic. 

So for that I think Nicola should have been explored more. She's usually put as background character and only brought up when it's convenient - she's basically plot device. Which sucks because again, she's awesome. I'd have explored her ability to apply what she learns in stories to real-life issues a bit more, and paired her up with Agatha more times! Both are brilliant girls and I feel Agatha was at times dumbed down so Nicola could solve the problems, and honestly, I hate it when a character is dimmed so the other can shine.

So I'd have put them together - Agatha, experienced and quick-thinker, and Nicola, an extremely smart girl who doesn't really have half the experience Agatha has in the Woods. They both learn from each other - it's a deal of teacher (Agatha) learning from the student (Nicola). 

And allow me to push the Nicphie agenda here - I'd totally expand her relation with Sophie - explored their feelings going from mutual hatred to mutual respect to liking each other to very lesbian love. The Best enemies to lovers.

Also, SOMAN WHAT WAS THAT OF CAVING IN THE SCHOOL FOR EVIL AND SADER TELLING THE DEANS TO ACCEPT HER I DEMAND EXPLANATIONS

And lastly I'd remove the Hicola part super unecessary lmao

So that's it! I actually have some more to talk about but I didn't know how to word it properly and I don't want to make a super long post lmao. I might make a part two of this, but separate for the challenge!

I apologize for the disruption in schedule, I legit forgot day 10 lmao. I'll be doing Day 13 tomorrow so hopefully everything will go back to normal!

[bread-tab]

@eeveeprincessxd's tags:

Consider giving a screenshot of this post to your therapist. Seriously.

(Without your username of course! And censored for language if necessary. :P)

This kind of thing can be a good starting point for conversations when you're having trouble describing your feelings or experiences. Add on with concrete examples of how it applies to your own life, if you can think of them.

I'm actually going to print the original post out myself to take to a therapy appointment tomorrow.

It's currently 3:46 a.m. as I write this. I made that post just over two years ago, and here I am still having insomnia. I've learned a lot in that time, though, some of it from the responses to this very post. Knowing what I know now, here's another way of explaining this problem:

There's a ton of advice out there for how to overcome insomnia, mostly centered around the concepts of sleep hygiene. These are habits that make it easier to sleep for most people:

Make sure it's dark, quiet, and otherwise comfortable in the room where you're trying to sleep. Wake yourself up with bright light in the morning, ideally either sunlight or a therapeutic lightbox, to promote the natural awakening process. Avoid screens and other sources of blue light for a couple hours before bed.

Exercising regularly during the day often improves sleep quality. Meditating for a few minutes each day can also help. If you have difficulty sleeping at night, avoid taking naps during the day, since this perpetuates the disturbance in your sleep cycle.

Like a lot of people with ADHD, I've struggled with insomnia for most of my life, and it has only gotten worse under stress of the ever-increasing responsibilities of adult life. I've heard the conventional advice about sleep hygiene hundreds of times. At this point, hearing it reiterated just makes me want to cry.

I'm well aware that I should be doing these things, building these habits into my daily routine. The problem is, I don't have a routine. I struggle with the fundamental process of making habits itself. Sleep deprivation just makes that harder.

I've had trouble getting my sleep issues treated because they seem to be a subset of my ADHD and anxiety symptoms. I might have some undiagnosed sleep disorder which is physically causing the insomnia; thanks to the the pandemic and general life chaos, I haven't been able to find a primary care doctor, let alone get a referral for a sleep study. Meanwhile, the years of sleep deprivation continue piling up. Every well-meaning medical professional I've talked to has advised me to keep trying to improve my sleep hygiene, and in one case to try a melatonin supplement.

And I am going to try that. I'll also continue trying to put all the other aspects of sleep hygiene into practice. But that's missing the point.

My main problem is that I can't get myself to decide to go to bed.

This is hard for people to understand if they haven't experienced executive dysfunction themselves. Because that's what this is: executive dysfunction. Whether it's caused by ADHD or something else (including anxiety, depression, trauma, brain injury, physical illness, or pain), impairment of the executive functions is debilitating on multiple levels. On one level, it makes you more vulnerable to insomnia in general. And on another level, it makes it very difficult to cope with that insomnia, or to treat it.

People often tell me, "just do it." Just go to bed. Stop overthinking it. Well, for someone suffering from executive dysfunction, there is no "just" do anything. I decide to move, and I...don't move. It's an actual disconnect in the brain.

Don't mistake a symptom for the cause; the overthinking is an aftereffect. It's an attempt to apply willpower, to motivate oneself, to persuade that dumb stubborn brain to just do what we need to do, damn it! ...And it rarely works. It's like furiously pedaling a bicycle with a broken chain. It doesn't matter if you won the Tour de France yesterday; you're not getting anywhere.

All the sleep hygiene in the world isn't going to help if I don't go to bed.

Of course, sleep deprivation makes executive dysfunction worse. So we get stuck in these vicious cycles; sleeping poorly, struggling more in other areas of life, and then losing more sleep over that. It can feel like your life is falling apart. Which makes it incredibly difficult to get those sleep hygiene habits in place.

Make sure the room is dark and comfortable? It'll never be comfortable enough. Sensory oversensitivity makes your softest sheets feel scratchy, you hyperfocus on the hum of the refrigerator on the other side of the house, a tiny blinking LED from some device you're never noticed in the daytime seems to light up the whole room, your pajamas are trying to strangle you, the blankets are too hot but you can't sleep without the weight. If you stay up until 5 a.m., though, when you're utterly exhausted and can't keep your eyes open anymore, none of that bothers you!

Wake yourself up with light? You can barely wake yourself up at all. It takes five alarms to get you conscious enough to realize that you're going to be late for work, which is the only thing that can get you to think about leaving the blissful embrace of your nice warm bed. Forget sunlight, you're about to miss your online class. Maybe a lightbox would help, but those cost money, and you don't know where to buy one. You'll think about it, though. You'll think about it for the next three years, and then impulsively buy one because there's a 10% off sale, and then you will stick it under your bed for a moment and forget it ever existed. Searing your eyeballs with the light from your phone the moment you wake up is probably almost as good, right?

Speaking of your phone, don't use it for at least an hour before your bedtime. Don't forget to turn on "do not disturb" and make sure your alarms are set for the next day, but don't check social media! Oops, you instantly opened TikTok and an hour disappeared. It's reflex. Also, don't watch TV to wind down, or read a book on your tablet. Acquire a paper book. Rack up some library fines. Feel that glorious lack of connection to the world around you, like a warm blanket of loneliness and boredom.

Avoiding screens before bed is one of the sleep hygiene practices I've actually managed with some success in the past, and oh boy, did I suffer. Understimulation is something people with ADHD or anxiety are extremely vulnerable to at night. We might call it boredom, but that really understates the intense mental distress and restlessness of lying still in the dark with an understimulated brain.

You can be overstimulated and understimulated at the same time, by the way! Now that's a doozy to handle when you're so tired you can't think straight.

Another sleep tip I haven't mentioned is to avoid caffeine and other stimulants in the afternoon. This is a problem for a lot of people with undiagnosed executive dysfunction who happen to self-medicate with things like coffee, caffeinated soda, energy drinks, or cigarettes. It would be nice to be able to sleep, sure, but it's extremely difficult to quit something that you're relying on to get through the day.

People with ADHD in particular also tend to respond weirdly to stimulants because of differences in our brain chemistry. Stimulants make some of us sleepy. Personally I have an Adderall prescription that is (ideally) not supposed to wear off until after I'm asleep; it makes it easier for me to sleep, not harder. This sleep tip is not universal.

That being said, if you're using a stimulant, make sure you know how it works and how it might be affecting your sleep. For example, caffeine works differently from prescription stimulants. Even if it makes you sleepy, it might interfere with your ability to actually sleep (or stay asleep) if you have it too close to bedtime. Caffeine makes you more alert by blocking the receptors that detect a chemical that builds up naturally in your cells the longer you're awake, which your brain uses as a signal that you're tired. Your brain kind of assumes you must have already slept, because that's normally the only time the levels of tiredness-chemical go down. So you're basically gaslighting an already-confused brain; tread cautiously. Different stimulants target different receptors, so if they do help but you're having bad side effects, consider trying a different one.

(Disclaimer: Obligatory reminder that I'm not qualified to give medical advice. I'm also not a pharmacologist and I might be misremembering some of that. The gist is there, though. "Tiredness chemical" is an essential thing in cellular biology, starts with an "A." It's a byproduct of breaking down a bigger molecule in the process of taking in energy. I don't remember the actual names of things, I just remember discovering that our brains basically figure out how tired we are by measuring the equivalent of piles of dirty dishes.)

Whoops, I've spent an hour writing this and I'm supposed to be sleeping! But hey, I've written half of the article on ADHD sleep tips that google couldn't give me. Might as well finish it.

My best actual advice for how to cope with this particular sleep problem is to have compassion for yourself. Be patient with your brain as it struggles to sleep. Be gentle with your tired self.

A lot of us have trouble giving up our "secret free extra time" because we're stressed out and don't have enough time to chill or get things done during the day. Don't punish or shame yourself for wanting a little more time. Learn to listen to your body when it asks for rest. Even if you can't bring yourself to actually rest, just listen, and learn to accept that you have that need.

In the middle of the night, many of us find it easier to focus and be creative. It's dark and quiet; the conditions that are ideal for sleeping can also be soothing to an anxious brain. If you find yourself drawn to that aspect of staying up all night, try coming at the problem from both sides: during the day, take steps to avoid things that are overstimulating, so hopefully you won't feel the need for as much decompression time. And at night, lean into the idea of taking time for yourself, whether you can sleep or not. Don't use that time for work, school assignments, or anything else with stressful topics or a deadline involved.

Sometimes the sticking point is around transitions and messed up chronoception. Before sleeping, you have to wrap up everything you were doing that day. It's easy to procrastinate sleeping while you try to finish things. And then there's brushing your teeth, changing into pajamas, and possibly moving a pile of laundry off of your bed; a series of tasks you might not feel like doing or remember to leave time for. I'll admit, I've had my share of stubborn nights where I work on something until my brain stops putting together coherent sentences, and then I conk out in that pile of laundry.

Not only is it hard to transition out of a day, it's hard to jump into the next one. Once you've had a taste of free extra time, it's hard to skip it. But a "healthy sleep schedule" demands just that. There's no rest between days. Our brains are tired. When we're supposed to be going to sleep, we're also really not ready to press "start" on a process that feels like it's going to teleport us to another morning where we have to drag ourselves out of bed and immediately go to work. So we rebel.

If I had a solution to that, I wouldn't have "insomniac" in my bio anymore. It's rough. This is a struggle against both external pressures and our own biology.

So far, I've been working on convincing myself that going to sleep is going to reward me with a better experience in the morning. It's slow going, because, uhhh...I have to actually sleep to prove to myself that it works. Actually sleeping is the problem. So I have spent months repeatedly convincing myself to try green eggs and ham going to bed while my brain rolls its eyes and says "I do not like to go to bed."

It feels like I'm making progress, though. Not always. I got four hours of sleep yesterday, in the middle of the afternoon, and that didn't feel like progress. It's not linear at all. But I've made huge strides in other areas. I used to count down the minutes until I had to get up in the morning, working myself up for an anxiety attack when my alarm finally went off. Haven't done that in years now.

The rest of the work is continuing to try and do the sleep hygiene things when I can and work on time management skills, to mitigate the bad sleep/disorganized day cycle of doom. A good decade of sweating (and occasional crying) over schedules has taught me that if you're allowed to take extra time and give yourself longer to do things, you should. The trick there is to remember it's not actually "extra" time that you can fill with distractions. It's time for breathing.

I don't have a conclusion for this except that after I finish this post, I'm going to bed. That'll be several hours earlier than yesterday and I'm going to get a bit more sleep, although not much more at this point. But it's still a win. I'll take all the wins I can get.

(I apologize to anyone with ADHD trying to read this post. I'm aware of the irony. Will try to write a shorter version at some point.)

i KNOW the sleep tips, google. trust me, i know about the darkness and the light and evil screens and exercise and meditation and not napping. i know “”“how”“” to sleep. what i need you to tell me is how to convince my fuckass adhd brain that i need to give up on doing things for the day and that the hours between midnight and five a.m. are NOT secret free extra time that no one will notice if i steal

[interesting-piece-of-trash]

I'm done.

(can't copy and paste the beginning for some reason. I'm posting this on wattpad and tumblr because I can.)

I got very stressed out and almost had a panic attack before the period even started so I want for a walk during which my appearance and behavior made it very clear that I was not in fact okay. Still not a word. Even when I walked through the office. When I got back to class every one was very high strung and it out me back in the edge of a panic attack for the remainder of the period. Fun! I was so anxious and distracted that I messed up my friends lighting. When her performance was done she made it clear though snide comments that she did not appreciate my messing up. This made my feel down right shitty but I was in the middle of class so I repressed that as well. Than the next performance about alcohol abuse triggered someone I don't like and he cried out in the hall. This upset me because 1 I don't like to see anyone upset 2 this stressed me out futher 3 he used to be my friend and I know why he got triggered. Then my performance came. I was holding back a pretty big panic attack and freaking out but the beginning of my performance went without a hitch. Then my friend came in stage for a scene he helps me with and I forgot 90% of my lines and we sat on stage scared and clueless all because of me. From then on my performance went down hill. I was quickly becoming a sweaty line forgeting mess whose props were litterally falling all over the place and we didn't have enough time to Finnish so I didn't get to do half of my performance that I wrote personally and rehersed and was proud of so I asked to coontinue next class. Now I have to do this shit again tomorrow. After drama I was sweating buckets it took me ten minutes to collect my mass amount of stuff and I decided I just couldn't go to last period. I went to the gender neutral bathroom to get changed which is it's own room so I stripped naked in the privacy to desweat. While I was arranging my all my stuff and puting my change of clothes on I finally started to crack. A tear slid down my face but I kept it all in and got dressed and got my stuff setteled. When I was going to leave the bathroom I couldn't take it anymore and I broke. I sat on the concrete floor and sobbed. I couldn't stop. Eventaully my friends who waiting for me outside the bathroom caught on and we're trying to either come in or get me out. I just kept thinking you can't come in the bathroom what if I was naked (because I peviously was) while also thinking not only was my drama a falure I'm sleep deprived and still have a head ache and I probably won't graduate because believe it of not drama is my best subject and there is only a week left of school and that's fine because I have no real goals for after I graduate or any thing in my future at all because I just got over a bunch of past trauma which caused me to always think about my past and not my future and now I'm sitting sobbing on the concrete floor of my school bathroom thinking about how much I want to go home and go to sleep and not wake up (and not because I'm sleep deprived) I called my mom to pick me up and left the bathroom. I almost couldn't open the door because I knew my friends were on the other side and they knew I had been crying and I didn't know what to say to them(plus side as soon as I convinced myself to leave the power went out and the lights turned off and hello panic attack I litterally just stopped having. Lights back on) . Before leaving I looked in the mirror and I was literally the vision of emotionally fucked up. My eyes would do red I did a double take and there were steaks of black drama make up running down my face because of the tears. I walked through the school to get to the parking lot through a while bunch students and teachers and bystanders of all kinds and would you believe it. Still not a word. My mom got me and now I'm home. Still fending off the occasional urge to cry and trying to get a quick nap in before I have to get up and continue this fucking wreck of a day because I have an important meeting tonight.

Ps. So I know I haven't updated in literally forever but don't be expecting another update for a WHILE hun. Also I know no one will dead this because I have a very small amount of follwers and even if someone was going to the probably saw how long this was and decided against it. So literally still no one cares

Pps. I find it very fitting that my drama performance was on mental illness and mental health.