creepydoll907

[creepydoll907]

The amount of times I skipped uni classes because I was too depressed or too ashamed of my appearance to where I couldn’t step outside and let others see me, or I was too tired to travel because I sometimes struggle with insomnia or I was too riddled with anxiety and paranoia or maybe I was just struggling with executive dysfunction…but some of my friends legit think I skip uni because I’m lazy smh 🖤

Up there is how I feel just thinking about it

[creepydoll907]

Bruv is it normal to crash after nicotine? Like it’s such a tame dr*g and I’m out here rethinking my life

[creepydoll907]

Day 9 of WL

I felt lighter today and I think it’s because I am closing my eating window quite early these days. Like intermittent fasting is helping loads I think.

But my performance today was really subpar. Felt absolutely terrible today, schedule was messed up and everything seemed to be working against me today.

Managed to pump out around 13,800 steps. Felt like I could have walked more but something happened whilst I was outside and I got really bad anxiety.

Felt really guilty eating my lunch but got hunger pains and overate at dinner. Which I had late when I shouldn’t have because I thought I’d be able to skip dinner. I ate mostly protein and healthy stuff but some of it was my mums food and she tends to be generous with the oil so my dinner was probably quite high in calories.

Maybe averaged something like 1100 Cals today? I’ve got to admit I’m terrible at counting.

I expected to do better. I think that if I had went to sleep earlier rather than eating it would have been fine.

And there’s always people checking what I eat and just being so f*ucking nosy like leave me the f*uck alone.

And it’s even more embarrassing when you are not sickly skinny. Like I used to hate being called sick but at least I felt like I was ‘dieting’ for a reason. Like f*ck it, you could see my results. Now I’m a normal slim with clothes on but I look disgusting without clothes like dhnsbdhsj

Now I legit feel guilty for not working out like I’m so lazy. And I used to love being toned. Have always loved my abs but now I look so soft.

I know I’m going to have an active day tomorrow. Can’t stick to my diet cuz I’m meeting up with a friend but I’ll choose something healthy. I’m gonna get loads of steps done and if I have any love for my psyche I’ll work out.

Journaling when you are in the depressed-don’t want to confront my feelings - state of mind is actually so hard. I didn’t log anything or journal today which is so stupid. But I’m gonna call it a night and try not to cry.

[creepydoll907]

When that one family member is constantly watching if and what you eat

[creepydoll907]

"Day of WL series" Gameplan. TW:ED

Tomorrow I'll be resuming my "X Day of WL" series which I took a break from. However I've decided to resume my series with a gameplan in mind this time.

I know! Planning ahead! It's giving brainiac. XD

These days I have been more focused on portion control. However that doesn't save me when I lose control... Therefore I've decide to combine portion control with other 'restrictions' and habits that I am more comfortable with and have definitely helped me loads in the past.

Restrictions

No eating 1 hour into waking up.

Wait a minimum of 3 hours in-between eating times.

No eating past 4pm.

No chocolate.

An egg and a slice of toast permitted for breakfast.

No white carbs.

Soup for lunch.

A chopped up fruit as a snack or an egg.

Protein or egg source for dinner.

Logging everything i eat.

Journaling every night.

Work out every day.

Walk 7000steps minimum every day.

I highly recommend analysing what has genuinely helped you stay in control in the past whilst using the least amount of willpower and doing that every day.

I say this especially because at my lowest weight (around 46-47kgs- I couldn't weight myself) I was the queen of portion control. But being so hyper controlling with my portions took a lot of willpower. I want to have a life outside of ana and food. These rules hopefully take out a lot of the guesswork.

(Guys I'm short at 5'3inches. If my writing a particular weight triggers anyone say so and I'll keep that in mind for future blogs.)

Holy Yap

Not being able to eat 1 hour into waking up might be hard for me because I love breakfast but not giving into food first thing in the morning honestly sets you up to win the day. This is an opportune time to do a HIIT workout which is scientifically proven to reduce binge eating.

I'll probably struggle a lot waiting 3 hours in-between eating times. which is why I'll finish eating by 4pm. Eating does trigger me to eat more... and more...and more... Finishing my food for the day early helps so much. It's like I'm free from it as soon as my fasting window starts.

Can't eat chocolate guys. I gave myself too many chances to integrate it into my diet without binging on it and nothing. At least I'll be saving some money... Fibre bars are another thing I've fallen victim to that are banned too.

My food intake is going to be simple. I've already prepared enough soup for 2 days. It always has chicken bits in it and other vegetable bits.

Honestly i do love a toned look that's why my chicken soup for lunch and my breakfast and dinner contain protein. And it's also something that makes weight loss more sustainable if you care about health. I'm going to try my hardest to work out every morning. Cardio run in the afternoon when it's still daylight. Evening walk for when I'm losing my mind.

I've been eating brown carbs for a long time but if my mum makes a particularly appetising dish with white carbs I do have a tendency to give in. However with this restriction I do not have a choice. Same thing with her vegetables. I can't eat them because she saturates them in oil.

Logging everything I eat and journaling are what helped me stop binge eating. I then got lazy, stopped journaling and keeping track of what I eat... and I started binging again. So from now on its write write write.

I am not steering of this plan guys. i only forsee one celebration day happening soon but apart from that it's on.

Let's get skinny guys <333

[creepydoll907]

Why do I feel sad, tired, dead, unfortunately alive, bad, disgusted, evil, stupid, angry, cranky, weak all the time…

I need to experience a bit of dopamine just for 2 mins plsssss

[creepydoll907]

Consider me clocked.

yes slow progress is better than no progress but don’t lie to urself and say ur doing everything u can

[creepydoll907]

And I am so angelic it hurts.

I choose to be an angel every day.

I will not fall.

I am no fallen angel.

remember beautiful people.

𖥔 ࣪ ᥫ᭡ꗃ⋆࣪. angels eat so little so they’re light enough to fly 𖥔 ࣪ ᥫ᭡ꗃ⋆࣪.

[creepydoll907]

Overeating when your tummy hurts isn’t taking care of yourself.

[creepydoll907]

I’m going to pause my “X day of WL” series for a bit.

[creepydoll907]

Day 8 of WL

Like 300cal consumed and like 300cal burnt by walking.

No running, at home work outs or gym spotted yesterday or today.

[creepydoll907]

When I feel guilty for being a mess but child me always knew we’d spend our lifetime surviving.

[creepydoll907]

Where is my mind?

[creepydoll907]

How I felt when I told my counsellor I didn’t think I was skinny and she looked at me like I was dumb

[creepydoll907]

Why me ?

[creepydoll907]

Relapse is part of recovery

Forgive yourself. Don’t look back. From this second onwards you start afresh.

[creepydoll907]

Day 7 of WL

Binged.

Reasons:

1. I wasn’t mindful.

2. Ate food that wasn’t satisfying.

3. Became sad.

4. Wanted dopamine.

Feeling disgusting. And this morning I looked slimmer especially in my face no doubt I’ll wake up tomorrow to a reflection I don’t want to see.

Approach:

1. Drink an unholy amount of water.

2. Go running & work out later on.

2. Extreme deficit tomorrow.

3. Go to the gym tomorrow.

Bye…