#and I’ve got like 2 top contenders for matty

[tyrianlynch]

Me flipping through the DSM-V attempting to diagnose the lynch brothers

[itsthekidchameleon-blog]

Gronk’s Basement Week 1/2 Recap

WHAT IS UP fellas. Alright so here’s the deal. ESPN ruined it’s platform and I’ve been forced to find a new method for posts. Super unhappy about it. For however many years I’ve been working the same shitty platform, trying to be funny, and it’s worked to some degree. I am all out of sorts now and I am going to try something new. The new platform won’t even allow you to post a video or a link. I think this tumblr is something the kids are using these days so I am giving it a shot. Seems pretty sweet so far. No idea if it will work but let’s give it a whirl.

Before I get into the action, I would like to start off by ranking the 2019 team names. If you did not change the name of your team, you tied for last and I hate you.

KT, Tuck, Ease, Macero, Pickett, hate you all, change your team names.

Tight End Luvr 87 - God I miss Gronk.

Purple Cobras - Doug went with a classic movie team name and I don’t hate it. Doug I hope you walk into every NFL Sunday watching location doing this:

Gronk’s Nation Can’t Hang at CF - Steve, I have absolutely NO fucking clue what is happening here. First, this isn’t Gronk’s Nation, it’s the damn basement. Second, CF? CrossFit? Cumberland Farms? Central Falls? Where you going with this name? Need some explanation, please elaborate.

Nuts on the Table - Great name, if this was 2018. Get a new thing Jmart. Also we all know there’s not enough room on the table for your giant disgusting nuts because you already filled the table with 48 empty beer cans.

Devil Without a Koz - DIGGING THIS ONE! A great reference to a timeless classic by Kid Rock. Is it also a nod to the big G-O-D for welcoming Koz into the family? Now that Koz is Jew-no-more, he’s throwing his Kippah in the air, praising the big guy upstairs and shunning the Devil. Koz, little tip from a lifetime Catholic: You only need to go to church once a year (or just tell people you do) and as long as you donate a little money when you do, you’ll get into heaven. Don’t buy into the every Sunday going to church hoopla.

The Vaginas - Honestly do not know if I love or hate this one. I will cut Branch some slack, he’s had a lot on his plate lately so a new team name was probably the least of his worries. So he did the least creative thing he could do and kept his yearly vaginal efforts on par and named his team, The Vaginas. Such a guru move.

Gay Lords - Govey is gay, Lord Jeff��s, all that stuff. Not giving the rest of the league much to say about him here by just admitting to what we’ve been saying all along. I can appreciate the humility here. Well done Gov.

Now I will jump right into the action with some recaps. I may not get to every game due to time/lack of fuck’s to give.

Week 1

**Jmart vs Hurley - **well here we have an ex-roommate battle. For those of you who don’t know, Jmart and I do not live together anymore. He up and moved to San Diego one day, it was the strangest thing. I came home from work one day and all his shit was gone, and all he left was a note on the kitchen table that said he had to go see about a girl.

At any rate, I refuse to let Lamar Jackson help me to a win for the first time in two weeks (foreshadowing) and started Carson Wentz. Losing Tyreek Hill killed me really. Jmart had a pretty solid outing with 16 points from Steven Gostkowski and 31.6 from the Goat, ultimately beating me by less than 8 points.

Branch vs KT - Well this was an absolute slug fest. Branch had 36.7 from DeSean Watson, Jacobs rumbled for 23.8, and Barkley with 16, but he fell just shy of KT’s performances including 38 from McCaffrey, 33 from Mahomes, and 28.4 from Derrick Henry. KT certainly has some studs on his team and will be a tough out this year. KT notches one in the win column and the GURU one in the W.

Keach vs Koz - This one was not even close. Koz notched his first weekly points prize of $25 throwing up 151.7 with strong performances from Mark Ingram scoring 22.7, his random tight end Mark Andrews who added 20.8, another 30 from Bell and Fournette and Alshon scoring 19.6 to top it off. Keach had strong weeks from Keenan Allen who fucked me all year last year, as well as David Johnson and Emmanuel Sanders, but not too much to show from anyone else including a dud from his kicker.

Govey vs Hammy - Hammy of course took his boy Dak and boy did it pay off as he scored 41.4 week one. Relatively modest weeks from everyone else except Harry Butker who scored 17, Steven racked up 119.6. Govey’s team struggled to get much going with the only notable performances coming from Kamara with 20.4 and Tyrell Williams with 19.5. Look for Govey to make some moves to shake things up!

**Tucker vs Pickett **- Pretty close matchup here with each team having some really down weeks from their QB’s. Cam Newton absolutely is a shell of himself and only scored 5.4 points. Jared Goff struggled across the field from him only gaining 11.4. It was performances from Dalvin Cook and Evan Engram that gave Tuck the win over Pickett here, as Pick’s team struggled to get anything going from anyone but Delanie Walker and Austin Ekeler and Amari Cooper.

Macero vs Easley - Ees, Eeees, I don’t want to butcher your name man is it, Eas-i-lee? Fucking Scal! Anyway this was a low scoring match between one perennial contender and a guy who loves trying to sabotage this league with bad roster moves. Easley’s team got 22.6 from Matty Ice and 15.5 from Damien Williams but not too much from the rest of his NFC dominant team. Macero started Melvin Gordon who doesn’t plan to play till November. I can’t sit here and say it ultimately lost him the game given that although he only lost by 4.5 points, three out of the six options on his bench scored less than that. BUT he did have Sammy Watkins on his bench who scored 42.5 points, but that is what you get when you start players who are not playing.

Thought 1: Fuck I forgot how much work this is.

Thought 2: Really hope this tumblr shit saves and works.

Thought 3: Had a dream last night I was training Carson Wentz in some footwork drills, except he looked like John Mulholland. I love this shit so much I do it in my sleep.

Week 2 - gonna be a bit shorter

Hurley vs Guru - Again, I sat Jackson at QB and it bit me in the ass. Note to self: Start Lamar Jackson. Branch got a modest win with 83.5 points with solid weeks from his Vagina stars Barkley, Brown and Jacobs. My team needs help but I am not panicking yet.

Branch is 1-0, I am 0′for.

**Keach vs KT - **This one wasn’t very close. Mahomes scored 39.6, Tyler Boyd with 17.2, Derrick Henry with another strong week, KT cruised past Keach who rolled with the Baker Mayfield which net him 17. Honorable mentions: Sanders and Chubb totaling 40 points. Keach falls to 0-2, KT is undefeated.

Jmart vs Koz - Koz, love ya buddy and sorry I couldn’t make it to your bachelor party but I will let you know that if I wasn’t in front of my TV wearing my Gronk jersey the Pats D may not have scored 40, which helped you get another $25 weekly points prize. You’re welcome. This was a slaughtering and Mark Andrews once again showed out with 21.2. Jmart had a decent week with 28.7 from the GOAT but just barely broke the 100 point mark. Koz is 2-0, Jmart 1-1.

Tuck vs Macero - Actually a pretty tight game here. Cam Newton once again sucked, and the 26.6 from Dalvin Cook couldn’t help Tuck’s team past Macero, despite Macero losing Brees early on. A strong showing from Odell on Monday night pushed Macero past Tucker here pushing both teams to 1-1.

Govey vs Pickett - Another blowout as Govey is learning why the ‘stache may not have been such a hot pick after all. 18.4 from Rodgers, 13.1 from Tyrell Williams and 13 from the Houston D and Govey barely broke 90 points. Pickett’s team notched 125.4 behing Julio Jones and Austin Ekeler. Pickett is 1-1, Govey is 0-2.

[leagueofawesomedudes]

Week 5 Preview

LOAD Week 5 Preview

Fellow Germans, welcome to your LOAD Week 5 preview. We’re a quarter of the way through the season and your three time reigning champion has reclaimed his rightful spot at the top of the standings. Bow down peasants. Thinking about winning a fourth straight championship gets me harder than seeing Jared without a shirt on. Dom came into the league swinging and looks like a formidable challenger to take me down, but until someone else reclaims the title I’m going to keep swinging my monster hog around any chance I get. Deal with it. In other news... the Browns are still fucking awful, Chad did anal with a random on Sunday, and Tj said he’s going to quit fantasy after this year. If I remember correctly, I’m pretty sure Tj had similar complaints last year as well about the “fantasy gods” being against him. Sounds to me like a guy that can’t take the heat when the going gets tough. Everyone deals with injuries, so let’s all cue up our tiny violins and shed a few tears for Tony. The Squad is going to be splitting up this weekend with half of us heading back to Homecoming and the other non-fun half staying back in Cleveland to watch the Browns lose to the fucking Jets in person. I really hope we win but jesus fuck last week was brutal. Meanwhile Dom is going rogue and staying in Columbus to try and fuck some female he’s in love with (dude wants to have sex with a girl, what a fag). Alright enough bullshit let’s get into the matchups.

2 Gurleys 1 Cup vs. G-reg 3rd Leg

I’ll go ahead and get my own matchup out of the way first. Bennett congrats on getting your first win two weeks ago, but those may be few and far between the rest of the season, and don’t expect win number two to be coming this week either. Bennett has a lot of confidence in his team now with his savior, Doug Martin, coming back from suspension. I hate to break it to ya pal but he’s not that fucking good. I will admit, his white power duo of Rodgers and Jordy has been paying off in a big way this year, but that’s about all he’s had going for him thus far. I expect that to continue with the Packers playing a weak Cowboys defense that just got wrecked by the Jared Goff and the Rams. I’m sure those two will connect for some major points and even Cooks is bound to go off against Tampa Bay’s league worst pass defense, but those three aren’t going to be enough. My receivers leave a lot to be desired, but my three headed monster at RB should have another huge week to pick up the slack. Bell has a great matchup against the Jags, Hyde gets the Colts who are giving up the most points per game in the league, and Gurley is going up against a Seattle defense that’s giving up 5 yards a carry this season. Last but not least, Famous Jameis is going up against the Patriots defense that has been absolutely shredded by quarterbacks so far, so expect a shootout. Bennett is going to hate seeing that big dumb nig scoring tuddies all over his starting defense. Side note, it also wouldn’t surprise me if Bennett benched Rodgers and started his man crush Mitch this week. Seriously man you should do it, that’s what a real friend would do. This one might be a little closer than I’m making it sound, but I still take the W this week.

2 Gurleys 1 Cup > G-reg 3rd Leg

Hollas Heavy Hitters vs. Ain’t EZ Bein Breesy

Due to the first round of bye weeks there are a few shitty matchups this week and this is one of them. Two early season bottom dwellers are going at it as Holla takes on Solden. If Solden put as much thought and effort into fantasy that he does trying to get laid every single night he might actually be a pretty decent manager. Just kidding Solden, but seriously though if you showed as much enthusiasm for your fantasy lineup as you did last Friday night at Dom’s when you wanted to go out at 9:45 pm and not “stay in all night and not get laid”, you could really make some noise. Holla loses Matty Ice and Freeman to the bye week. Dak is a solid backup but has a mediocre matchup against the Packers. What’s really going to hurt him is not having a respectable RB to plug in this week for Freeman. Paul Perkins and Jeremy Hill are trash options so Holla’s going to need a lot out of Shady in a good matchup against the Bengals to make up for it. On the other side, Solden loses his Brees, Pryor, and Ingram so he’s getting hit harder by this bye week than Janay Rice in an elevator. On the plus side, his receivers all have some pretty decent matchups and Gronk is going up against the worst pass defense in the league. It may come down to whether or not Alex Smith has another big game which would also hurt Holla’s defense on the other side. Also important to remember, Holla is going to be bouncing around in Athens this weekend so there’s a good chance he blacks out and forgets to set his lineup while he’s balls deep in some freshman. This one could really go either way (kind of like all of us on the weekends) but I’m going to give the edge to Holla with the bye week being too much to overcome for Solden’s team.

Hollas Heavy Hitters > Aint EZ Bein’ Breesy

Jon SnOBJs vs. The Brady Bunch

Our own El Presidente finds himself in last place after a two game losing skid, and it hasn’t been pretty. After swindling AB away from Solden to pair with OBJ, it looked like Chad was going to be the team to beat going forward. Needless to say that hasn’t been the case. Chad might be killing one too many brain cells with his excessive Titos intake, because he’s had some trouble getting his lineups right and benching the wrong guys. That being said, Chad is too good of a manager and I think he starts to turn things around this week. *Insert standard “boring Doug joke” here*. QB advantage goes to Doug, Brady is going up against the worst pass defense in the league...no further explanation needed. That particular matchup could get uglier than the blood bath Chad left behind in the room at the Double Tree last year. I’m going to give the WR advantage to Chad. All three of his receivers have plus matchups, especially Randall Cobb against Dallas. Devante Adams is more than likely out this week (fuck me right) so Cobb is going to see more targets against a bad secondary. If AB and OBJ both go off like they should, that’ll give Chad a big cushion. On the other end, Doug gets the advantage at RB with Kareem and Bennett’s favorite color of RB, Christian McCaffrey. I like Chad’s TE matchup with Brate going up against the Pat’s awful pass defense, whereas old man Jason Witten has to go against a Packers D that has shut down opposing TE’s, advantage Chad. This one comes down to the flex position and Bilal Powell coming off a big week going up against our perennial playoff contending Browns makes it an easy choice, Doug wins a close one.

The Brady Bunch > Jon SnOBJs

Crows before Hoes vs. Little Diggs

Pot Stirrin’ Paul faces off against LOAD rookie Dom this week. Paul’s pot stirring tendencies continue to go unchecked as he continuously tries to tear our friendships apart and no one says anything. Ever since he became official with Bean his pot stirring antics have been nonstop, it’s almost as if he doesn’t need us anymore and could care less about the consequences. It’s funny how these two are matching up this week because Dom also knows a thing or two about stirring the pot among a friend group, right Solden? Let’s pull a quick tequila shot and take a look at this matchup. Dom is putting a lot of faith into Mariota playing this week, otherwise he’s going to be scrambling on the free agent market for a QB last minute. It’ll be interesting to see what Dom’s RBs can produce with both Montgomery and Gordon banged up. At full strength Dom’s lineup has the advantage across the board but it looks like this one will be close with the injuries in play. Mike Evans and Larry Fitz have perfect matchups for Paul this week. Paul’s hoping that Watson can continue his hot streak but that may come to an end against the undefeated Chiefs. Paul can make things interesting if Ajayi finally produces this week but Dom has a huge advantage with Kelce and Diggs in the TE and flex spots. This one will be close, but in a phrase he’s all too familiar with, Paul is going to come up a little short.

Little Diggs > Crows before Hoes

*MATCHUP OF THE WEEK*

The Injured Reserve vs. Julio Tones

On paper, this matchup looks to be the most competitive going into the week, earning Matchup of the Week status. More importantly, the two roomies square off in matchup with both hoping to go to 4-1 and remain atop the standings. Earlier in the article I mentioned how Tj has had some injuries to deal with, and to his credit he had a brutal week. Losing Carr for a few weeks and Dalvin for the year would piss anyone off, but I doubt any of us would be pussy enough to want to quit after that. Just kidding Tj, we all know you just want to “enjoy the games” and not have to worry about fantasy. But I think I speak for all of us when I say none of us feel bad for you. You got lucky with the Zeke situation and it was your decision to draft a quarterback that was going to be questionable for the entire season. Moving on, I almost forgot to even mention Cholly. That’s probably because he doesn’t come around very often I sometimes forget he’s even our friend. I’ve seen more of Bennett in the past month and he lives four hours away. But looking at the matchup this is going to be a good one. Tj did a good job plugging in guys in place of Carr, Julio, and Dalvin and has a sneaky nice lineup this week. Casey’s biggest advantage is his receivers, and this one is going to come down to Tj’s running backs. Zeke should have a huge game against the Packers, but unless Blount and White can find the endzone once or twice, it may not be enough. Cholly should get consistent production across the board. With Ertz going up against a stingy Cardinals defense and the lack of production from T.Y. without Luck, I don’t see enough big scores to overcome Cholly’s squad.

The Injured Reserve > Julio Tones

Alright fellas that’s all for this week. Hopefully none of you are too offended and I’m sure none of my picks will be correct but as long as I get the win this week I don’t give a shit. Solden, Tj, Paul, Chad have fun soaking with each other this weekend and bring a few W’s home for the Tribe and Brownies. Dom, good luck with your dream girl, hopefully she lets you eat her ass. I’ll do my best to make sure Holla doesn’t end up in the Hocking River again but I can’t make any promises. Love you all and I’m glad we’re all friends......yes even Doug.