#and I’m trying to tell myself. you got healthier once and you can do it again

[the-trans-dragon]

Honestly heartbroken that I’m not allowed to walk around or lift stuff at work, because the constant physical exertion was so healthy that I was only getting injured once a month or so instead of every other day, and for the first time ever the cold didn’t hurt

I got scolded constantly for going outside without a jacket or hat but I couldn’t help it. It was cold, and the cold was so unpleasant, but it didn’t hurt and I couldn’t stop standing in the below-freezing southbound wind letting the air feel numbing and icy and sharp but not like my skin was about to explode

And now I can’t get enough physical exercise because I really need hours of it, and I don’t have time for that on top of a job I’m not allowed to move at, and it’s 68 degrees in the house and it’s so cold it feels like I have the flu

God it was so amazing to experience winter without debilitating pain. I would have stood outside even longer if I’d known I might not experience it again.

Maybe next winter.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for suggesting my girlfriend eats less?

(🫠 so i can find it later)

I know immediately it sounds insane but please I need advice. Also sorry it’s so long this is a sensitive topic and I want to treat it as such.

So my (24F) girlfriend (22F) has been trying to lose weight for about 9 months now. I let her offer up what info she wants but never ask because I don’t want to add pressure, and i’ve struggled with an ED and witnessed as my mom has struggled with her weight since I was born so I understand how hard it can be. But my girlfriend is as gorgeous as ever. And I know she’s been as active as possible so Idk why she’s so hard on herself.

My mom eats healthier than anyone I’ve ever known. When I was younger I watched her go through phases with taking on some weird diet that never really worked. She once told me she recognized her real problem is stopping when she’s “full” and not what she eats. She was insecure about that fact because she almost starved as a teenager. I tried to encourage her to accept her body if eating what she wants makes her happy. But she always says she isn’t happy when she’s not eating & only would be if she felt “sexy” again.

I’m starting to see a similar struggle in my love. She asked to go to the gym together, so I bought us a gym membership. We try to get there 3x a week for at least an hour each time. But she’s in her final semester before graduating so we stopped going as much about a month or two ago. She keeps talking about losing weight so her graduation dresses will fit better but I think they fit perfect. I zipped them myself. She never wears dresses or skirts, favoring baggy clothing and streetwear, so I think she’s just not used to the sensation of a form-fitting dress.

She joined a coed soccer team that would meet weekly for a month. I went to her games, she goes hard. She’s also started going for runs twice a week after work with a coworker. They did 3 miles one day! That’s still 3 days a week she’s been working out, plus the occasional day or two every other week we manage to get out to the gym.

She has taken to blaming me for us not going to the gym, not directly but will whine at me with a pointed tone, as if begging me to go to the gym after she told me we couldn’t go. I try to ignore it since I know she’s having a hard time and mostly venting. But if I agree and offer to drive us, she always has too much homework. Even if she’s been sitting on tiktok for an hour.

I do all the cooking for us. After she complained about not making progress I started serving us both smaller portions. Now she gets seconds after meals and will complain about being snackish or wanting a sweet treat less than 30 minutes after we’ve ate. If I stand firm on no treats (which is rare), she pouts. She refuses to get a treat without me, if I tell her she can go get one if she wants she won’t. If I give in, then later I feel guilty like I enabled her. And she’ll guilt trip me for it too. And then she’s unhappy about not losing any weight again and the cycle continues.

She’s got a broad build and a naturally curvy body. When she talks about being her ideal size/shape again, it’s always in photos of her at 14-17. I keep trying to instill in her that she can get muscular and fit but still might not look like that again because she was a child. She dismisses me every time and will compare her body to mine since we’re the same height, but I have different genetics and an overactive metabolism.

She’s active, healthy, muscular, and is maybe 30 lbs over the BMI for her height and age. I don’t believe in the BMI, just stating for reference reasons. Some of that “overweight” is definitely likely muscle since she said she gained weight after we first started going to the gym. She would not believe me when I said you gain muscle before you lose fat, even though she’s learned this in her major. In my eyes to have the kind of toning that she wants— and that athletes her shape have— she probably only needs to lose like 10-15 lbs. You can see the line of musculature on her thighs as she is. She eats way healthier than most college students because she’s a medical major and really cares about body health. I think a lot of her desire to lose weight comes from the athleticism of the PT’s she works with.

She continues to nitpick at her other behaviors (i.e. having a yasso icecream twice a week) that are far less “harmful” to her goals than overeating. But I fear it will cause a rift in our relationship if I try to suggest that to her.

I want to help her on her journey and the way she blames me makes me feel like I need to do more to help, but the only thing I can think to suggest is something I would never recommend on my own, let alone to my girlfriend who I think is beautiful as is. I don’t want her to think by me suggesting smaller portions that I have a problem with her perceived lack of progress. I only have a problem with being treated like it’s my fault she isn’t losing weight. When I tell her she looks amazing as she is she just tells me I’m biased because I love her.

I don’t feel it’s my place but Idk what else to do. So WIBTA if I told her that she should try to eat smaller portions rather than dieting since she’s already physically active and eats healthy?

[thetorturedbuckydepartment]

chapter six: I think he knows

pairing: Bucky barnes x plus-sized!reader

summary: Six months ago, you were appointed to be Head Nurse to the Avengers by Tony Stark. Every day, you count your lucky stars, knowing the horrible past you quickly ditched back in England. It holds you back, restrains you, from getting close to anyone when on your new job.

That's until you met and fell in love with Bucky Barnes. The supposed assassin with a heart of gold, who seems to be eager to get to know you. To peel back your layers piece by piece, but could you trust him once you're laid before him raw and vulnerable?

masterlist

PREVIOUS PART -- CHAPTER FIVE: FUCKING SITUATIONS, CIRCUMSTANCES, MISCOMMUNICATIONS

warnings: language, alcohol consumption, self-deprecation, angst

word count: 1.8k

Taglist: @scott-loki-barnes @cjand10 @blackwidownat2814 @blackbirdwitch22 @laughterafter  @blackhawkfanatic @mcira @bxckybxrnes24 @rachellovesloki @toffeacademia @bean-bean2000 @lana525 @selella

A/N: YAY! first chapter of phase two -- and guys, let me tell you she's juicy. much drama and angst to come! the next part may be super duper short, so the chapter after will come sooner than you think :)

It’s not as painful as you first imagined. The first week was hard, obviously. But when you never heard any of Bucky’s escapades through the wall — you assume he just waits until you fall asleep. Or maybe you’ve just been more tired recently, taking on as much work as you possibly can all to outrun your intense feelings, sprinting like it’s a fucking marathon.

At least he hasn’t caught on. He visits you, after workouts and spar sessions, holding treats and drinks, and even keeps you company when the system is down and you have to file everything by hand. Everything is good, and you’ve managed to dissuade everyone who knows the two of you that you like him. But you do, desperately. Pathetically.

Right now, you’re not focused on all of that. Wanda and Nat have roped you into a girls’ night. And surprisingly, Sharon is there. When Nat disappears to get her favourite bottle of white wine, an awkward silence descends upon the three of you, as even Wanda politely excuses herself to get some snacks. You look everywhere but at Sharon, afraid she’ll say something horrid about you. You pull at your dress and fiddle with your hair, trying to make yourself as small as possible.

“I’m so sorry.” Are the words you didn’t expect to hear, at all. Your head shoots up, only to find her staring at you with a truly apologetic look all over her face, red lips pursed in more words still unspoken.

“W—What?” You hate the small stutter in your voice.

“I’ve been a downright bitch to you the entire time you’ve been here. I’ve been unfair. I’m sorry. When you got here, all I saw was that Steve wanted you, and I thought you wanted him too, so I lashed out. But I know now that that’s not the case. And even if you were interested, that gave me no right to take it out on you. If I’m feeling insecure, I should keep it to myself.”

Immediately, your nurturing sense of nature kicks in, ready to reassure her. “Well, no Sharon, you shouldn’t keep insecurities to yourself. There’s definitely healthier ways to go about it…and I’m not excusing you, but I understand it. When you like someone and they seem to have something with someone else…it’s quite crushing. Sometimes you do anything to fill that void, regardless of consequences. I understand.” She smiles at you.

“Thank you. But still, that doesn’t make what I did to you okay, by any standards. I was…I was hoping maybe we could start over? And maybe try to eventually be friends?” Her shy hopefulness gets the best of you. You nod. “Yeah. Of course.” 

This is definitely gonna come back to bite you in the ass.

“Plus, you’re into Bucky now, aren’t you?” She asks, and you’re taken aback. It feels like the narrative you’ve been cultivating for the past month or so has come shattering down. Have you been that obvious? “I can tell by the way you look at him. It’s cute, honestly.” 

You deflect. “Um, I suppose we’re close.” You wring your hands under the table where she can’t see and just like that Nat and Wanda both come barreling back in.

“Oh come on, don’t lie. You’re completely smitten by him.” Nat grins, holding up six bottles of wine. Six? How the hell are we gonna get through that?

“Okay and?” You ditch any pretense, knowing that if Sharon’s figured it out, then there is no point in wearing a mask when everyone knows of the hideous face underneath. “It’s not like he likes me back, so—.”

“So can I ask him out?” Sharon asks, her demeanour entirely changing. Then you realise what she was doing, she was trying to covertly figure out if you and Bucky are actually together, because she wants him.

Of course she does. And even though your heart splinters into a million pieces in your chest, you smile. “Yeah, go for it. Just because I have a tiny crush on him, doesn’t mean others can’t. Go ahead.”

“Do you know where he is now?” You feel the lump in your throat hardening, and refusing to dissolve even though you know you should answer her question, should speak.

“Yeah, he’s sparring with Steve.”

“Oh, I’ll go find him now then. Thank you so much!” She walks around the table and hugs you, and you don’t have it in you to pull away like you so desperately want. 

You don’t say another word until she leaves, then bow your head and let the tears fall. 

Dear God, what chance do you stand now? Sharon is prettier, skinnier than you. How could you even think to compete with her? Her hair is perfect, her body is perfect, her face is perfect. It makes sense. She’s the kind of woman Bucky should go for, who he makes the most sense with. Not you.

Once again, you are close to him, but you’ll never be the one he wants. You don’t register your shoulders shaking until you feel yourself wrapped in a hug. It’s stupidly childish, to be crying like this.

It’s not like she’s trying to steal your boyfriend — she just happens to have a crush on the same man as you. So why are you so distraught?

Because deep down you haven’t let go of hope. That maybe, if you’re nice enough, then Bucky will like you. For your heart. For your soul, for your mind. Maybe, he’ll be drawn to your kindness and generosity, and it’ll win him over. 

He’ll have to compromise with your looks, but…if he liked you enough, wouldn’t it be worth it?

But you forget that someone else who looks like Sharon can also do the exact same. And then, there will be no compromise. He’ll be happier. 

He’ll be happier.

“God, she’s such a bitch.” Wanda says, pulling you out of your thoughts. You lift your head, drying your tears.

“Wanda…you can’t just call women bitches. And she’s not that horrible, she apologised for the stuff she’s done before. She’s braver than me, she can actually ask out the man she likes. Don’t blame her.”

Natasha pulls away, glaring daggers at you. “Girl, you know I love you, but are you fucking blind? She got your guard down, to talk about if you and Bucky are a thing, and then pounced when you said you weren’t. She wanted to see if the rumours were true.” 

Both women pull away from you, sitting down as you wipe your cheeks clean. “What rumours?” Wanda uses her powers to pour you a glass which you down almost immediately, and then Wanda pours you another.

“Haven’t you heard? Word on the block is that you and Bucky are dating.” You sink into yourself, knowing what people must be saying.

“What? Well, we definitely are not, unfortunately for me. We’re just friends—well, I guess everyone’s gonna find out when she asks him out and he says yes.”

“He’s not gonna say yes,” Wanda breathes, laying a gentle hand on your arm.

“You guys don’t know that for sure.”

“We do.” They both chime in unison.

“How?”

“He looks at you like he’d rather gouge his eyes out than not. Plus, he’s well up to date with what Sharon’s done to you. He’s not saying yes. Trust us.”

You nod, deciding to divert the topic. “What about you guys, what’s new with you?”

Natasha tells you about the hot girl she saw at the gym, and Wanda recounts her latest escapade with Vision. The three of you gossip and talk for hours and hours, getting louder and louder as more alcohol enters your systems. 

You’re incredibly drunk as you head back to your room, stumbling in the elevator and giggling over Nat calling Thor’s new long hair “horse-shaped”. To sober you, it makes no sense. But to the inebriated version of you, nothing’s ever been funnier. 

Bucky’s standing outside your door, waiting for you to emerge. “Bucky!” You exclaim, voice full of love and adoration as you fall into his strong arms and warm chest, pressing a noisy kiss to the closest part of him which happens to be his neck. He blushes.

“Dear God, doll. You’ve had a lot to drink haven’t you?” He chuckles, amused. 

“Uh huh. Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be off giving Sharon the pounding of her life or something?” You gaze up at him through your lashes, and this is the precise moment Bucky realises he’s falling in love with you. Flushed, round cheeks, sparkling eyes, and a fondness in your face that nobody else could ever replicate. And that dirty fucking mouth. You’re going to be the death of him.

“What? No. Absolutely not. After what she did to you?” You frown, and fuck he just wants to kiss you so bad. “But why would you let that stop you? She’s so pretty, and she’s so interested. She told me a few hours ago.” You open the door to your room, and he carries you bridal style. You snuggle into him, even as he sets you down. 

You thank your lucky stars you’re not wearing any makeup, so you can bury your face in the pillow all you want. But all you want is Bucky. So beautiful, how can you resist? He watches you, snuggling into the covers. He wants you so bad, it’s ruining his life. 

That’s what it feels like.

You reach for him, just as he plucks up the courage to offer you a half-truth. “Why would I want someone that cruel? And you’re a heck of a lot prettier, doll. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” He moves closer to you, to tuck you in up to your chin in this freezing cold night, when your eyes crack open and you latch onto his arm.

“Please don’t go, Buck. Don’t leave me. I love you.” You pout, and tears escape you, disappearing into your hairline. He brushes them away, and the contrast of his hot and cold hands has your eyes flutter.

“You love me?” He chuckles again, because you’re just too damn cute. He quickly takes a picture and sets it as his lock screen, too enamoured by you to resist.

“Of course. You’re my best friend, and I love all my friends. Just—Will you please get over here? It’s fucking freezing.” Bucky quickly jumps under the covers, facing towards you and pulls you in. Your shivering subsides immediately, wrapped in his warm chest and his metal arm.

“I love you too.” He whispers, and you hum in agreement, not knowing the double meaning those four simple words carry.

You drift off peacefully, dreaming once again of desire-filled blue eyes, and a smile graces your face.

NEXT PART

[bilboyagathechickenfootedhobbit]

On the topic of not wearing makeup, look, I know it’s hard to give it up. It’s hard when you’ve grown used to how your face looks with it on and you find your natural face to look…..off. Washed out. Not right. Icky. I get it.

But look. I am 42 years old, I have not exactly taken the best care of myself (WAY too much drinking/drugs/partying in my 20’s and 30’s) I don’t exercise nearly as much as I should and I’m just…..man, I’m just making it through each day. I don’t do facials or microdermabrasion or any of that shit. I have a vitamin c facial cleanser, rose water toner, and a vitamin c moisturizer. That’s it. I don’t wear makeup, I don’t do masks and treatments and peels on my face. I wear a sunhat with built in SPF when I’m outdoors and that is literally the full extent of what I do for my face.

And you gyns…..the number of times I have been mistaken for being AT LEAST ten years younger than I am is ASTOUNDING. I gave up makeup and let my skin heal and suddenly I went from “Oh you say you’re in your 40’s? That tracks” to “Bull fucking SHIT you’re 42!!! You’re maybe 30, TOPS, what the hell??” When I was still wearing makeup I once got mistaken for my husband’s MOTHER, okay?? And that man has silver all throughout his fucking hair.

Look, nobody really knows what any particular age looks like on any individual. I’ve known women in their 60’s that passed as peers of mine in my 20’s because they had gorgeous high cheekbones and skin like porcelain. I’ve known teenage boys that looked like fucking narcs. Nobody knows what any age is “supposed” to look like. But I CAN tell you that if you give up makeup and let your skin heal, you will look healthier and more vibrant than you ever have at any point with a layer of chemicals on your face. Maybe you’ll look younger maybe not, who cares? But your skin WILL be healthier, and it will show.

It’s hard to take the first step, and if you aren’t able to do it over a holiday break, you’ll probably have to accept that you’ll get some looks and comments from your peers. But I cannot stress enough how, once you make the adjustment, you’ll grow so used to and in love with your natural face that the idea of putting makeup on will disgust you; it will look weird and clownish and as “not right” as your natural face once did to you.

And the more of us that eschew makeup, the easier it will get for other women to follow in our footsteps. We lead by example and the more of us not wearing makeup there are, the more normal it will seem for other women.

If you can’t give it all up at once, try to scale it back. Ditch the eyeshadow and just do mascara. Ditch the concealer and just do a light foundation. Scale it back at your own pace, but with the end goal always being to completely eliminate it.

You will feel so much better for it. Eventually. Just push through to the other side.

[gay-dorito-dust]

Helloooo! I’m here for a request I’ve been brainrotting about for a while. So, we have the reader who is probably a late teen/young adult that’s known Leon basically all their life. So much so that Leon sees them as a younger sibling of sorts.

For the scenario itself, it’s basically just Leon, Ashley, Luis, and Y/N’s chaotic adventures throughout the main storyline. Ex. Luis convinces Y/N to try a smoke which Leon is not happy about

‘C’mon Leon,’ Luis drawled from beside you, ‘why can’t you let y/n experience their first smoke?’ Luis has been tempting you with a cigarette for a while now but each and every time he even dared to bring one out from his pocket; Leon, your surrogate brother at this point, would always tear it straight from his hand and crush it under his boot.

‘Yeah! Why can’t I have a smoke!’ You whined, having become a little spent on how overbearing Leon had became during the entirety of the mission; Always hovering over you, making sure your gun had enough bullets, putting himself before you in cases of imminent danger, and so on.

It was nice at first but overtime you begin to think that maybe Leon didn’t think you capable of taking care of yourself despite knowing firsthand that you could; So why the hell should he care if you ever picked up smoking?

Leon sighed irritably, ‘I’m not going to allow you in destroying your lungs and ruining your life opportunities with those cancer sticks y/n.’ He replied, plucking what felt like the fifth cigarette from Luis’s hand and throwing it elsewhere.

‘Out of everything you could’ve been completely against me doing, you choose smoking?’ You asked, ‘sort your priorities out Leon! I mean you let me fight theses…freaks of nature for a living but god forbid I relieve myself of everyday stresses with the occasional cigarette now and then.’

Leon looked to Luis who had already pulled out another cigarette by this time and managed to set it alight in the midst of your row with Leon, and once he caught on that the male was looking at him as though he was going to shed some light on the situation but he only shrugged his, lifting his hands in the air in defence. ‘They’ve got you there, my friend.’

‘Thanks for the help Luis.’ Leon utters sarcastically.

‘You’re very welcome.’ Luis replied with a drastic bow, making you laugh in the process which made Luis feel accomplished.

Leon then looked back at you, only to see that you were smirking victoriously as though you’ve just won the battle and the war simultaneously. ‘I’m just looking out for your health kiddo.’ He try to reason but was met by a scoff followed by a ‘and how’s that going for you?’ Which warranted you a warning glare from Leon, which dared you to continue challenging him if you keep thinking yourself so smart and see how that would end.

‘There are healthier hobbies to uptake in combating against everyday stress and anxieties but smoking shouldn’t be considered one of them.’ Leon tried telling you but it sounded as though you were being lectured. ‘Do I make myself clear?’ He added, hands on his hips as he awaited expectedly.

‘Yes dad, I’m sure we can all appreciate the life lesson. Can we go and do what we came here to do now you got that off your chest?’ You replied, wanting to get Ashley and get the fuck out of this decrepit village as fast as you could. Staying here as long as you have wasn’t doing any wonders on your mental health.

‘Yeah, I feel light as a feather.’ Leon quipped as Luis looked between you both with raised brows.The looks you both shot at one another were almost identical, from the furrow of your brows to the steely look in your eyes, Luis could’ve been fooled into thinking that he was looking at a mirror; It was humorous in a sort of way.

You and Leon may not be biologically related but you sure acted like you were and that was the funniest part, so much so that Luis couldn’t help but chuckle; almost forgetting for a second that he was in the midst of smoking.

‘What’s so funny?’ You and Leon asked in tandem, which only lead to Luis smirking widely, clearing the smoke from his lungs with a long and drawn out exhale. ‘Oh nothing.’ He replied. You and Leon shared a look before deciding that if you continued the way that you were, nothing would ever get done.

So without another word you, Leon and Luis moved onto the next area. With Leon leading the front while you and Luis lingered behind.

‘Luis, you better put that cigarette back into your pocket before I take your entire pack and shove it up your ass.’ Leon said without looking over his shoulder.

Luis withdrew the cigarette from your hand and put it back into his pocket. ‘Sorry little one, this is my only pack and if I’m to stick with you and Leon throughout the reminder of your mission? I’ll be needing them more then I’ve ever needed them before.’ You pouted but understood none the less.

I hope this was alright, it is within the main frame of the storyline but I must’ve lost myself somewhere…🦦

[fandoms-in-law]

To the Past Versions

Summary: Steve gets pushed to write letters to his past by Dustin, and then Robin when he isn't nice in the first. It does eventually help him.

Authors note: I am ever confused when words fall easily. I write constantly so it happens often enough, but if I have a prompt I expect to get stuck. Today I did not, happily so.

The idea for this fic: Dear self esteem* as a Steve fic except he's really just writing to memories, wondering when he stopped feeling like he could do anything/be anything

*A sanders sides fic I wrote a while back

/\/\

Attempt 1:

Hey Steve,

So Dustin has it in his head that we all need to write to the past to get mentally healthy or something, sounds like bullshit, which is what you are, so I picked you to write to.

You’re so wrapped up in yourself, you don’t even realise how much of an asshole you are. You Don’t treat Nancy right now, and barely get better after you sleep with her. You’re a complete jackass, who I and everyone I’ve basically ever met hates and that’s without knowing you most of the time.

Literally, I meet people I thought were complete strangers, or maybe classmates I never interacted with, and get told how horrible you are. That’s how bad you are. You’re worse than complete garbage and trust me, I’ve met men like that enough to know.

Get your head out of your ass, stop bullying people for no reason and fucking learn money solves basically nothing. It just lets you pretend the problem isn’t there until you run out of it.

Thanks for nothing, And better grovel for Nancy to help you learn to be better, you useless prick.

Steve.

Attempt 2:

So, somehow Robin found out about my first letter and got mad about it? She’s telling me to right to a past me that I actually like and seems set on doing so until she thinks I’m healthier. There were threats to show it to Dustin involved and I do not want to know how he’d react. He’s already acting oddly, along with the other kids since Robs found it. I think she spoke to them too.

Sorry for the ramble, Steve, hello.

You’ll meet Robin soon so don’t worry over having no clue who she is. The kids have already inserted themselves into your lives and I still agree that you’re better for it.

I think the first time I actually liked myself was because of those kids. For once I wasn’t a Harrington, or a basketball player; I was a guy who could help them, protect them in a way Nancy never let me feel like I had done. (We both know I was the one who won against that demogorgan not her or Jonathan though)

Times are shit for you outside of the kids though, but I miss those days. Even if Billy liked to lord over me that he was king now, it was nice to be in the background at school, and stand a chance of learning in lessons instead of Tommy yanking me into parties or rubbish that I never enjoyed. Heck I even enjoyed a few of the classes that year. Who knew I could be interested in that stuff?

Life gets better though, even if it comes looking like horrid situations sometimes. And the kids will be there nagging you through it all. I love those shitheads.

Keep going.

Steve.

Attempt 3:

Hey Steve,

Erica would have gotten involved regardless. It might be horrible that you and Robin were the ones to do it when she was so young, but I think it was better for her. This last time was the worst and I’m glad she wasn’t trying to understand it all without something to get out of it. You don’t have to carry that guilt forever. At least share some of it with Robin since she was the one who came up with the idea and acted before asking me or Dustin if it was sensible to try.

I wish you had done that ceremonial burning of the scoops outfit though. You and Robs joked about it so much in the weeks after the fire but here I am, with Eddie fucking Munson begging me to wear it again just so he can see the old uniform fully assembled.

Seriously, go burn it now whenever you don’t get a letter from the future appearing

Steve

Attempt 4:

Dear Steve,

Kiddo, you know these people you think are friends aren’t. I wouldn’t call the kids I look after kiddo but somehow it works for 13yr old me. Popularity isn’t friendship, it’s people pretending to like you because they think that’ll get them something; I wish you weren’t so desperate for friendship and connection you fell into it.

This is the last year I remember trying to stop someone insulting another person. You got called a bleeding heart for months and if you even grimace at the worst bullying happening around you Tommy or one of the other people hanging onto you would turn everything onto ‘bleeding heart Harrington’. The poker face you develop because of it still hasn’t been broken when Eddie decides everyone should play cards.

Steve, you have hell coming before you, and despite the monsters and location that matches that name better to most people, for you that is high school and being forced to the top all because you wanted friends. You get through it, you find monsters and discover what real friendship is after all of that. I think someone in history class said something about if you’re going through hell keep going and that’s what you need to do, what I did.

But, kid, still keep trying to be kind when you can. I know it feels precarious, dangerous, to have everyone looking at you and see the bullying they do to anyone shown to be human. I know how scared I felt that it’d turn on me if I refused any of those people I thought were friends too much, but you try, I tried, as much as I could for as long as I could, until I got here.

You’re going to be lonely for a while, Steve, but not forever, I promise you that.

I’ll see you in my reflection when I get stunned by my friends. They’ll find you eventually.

Steve

Attempt 5:

Dear Steve,

I dug out a picture to write this. One mom took just before leaving saying she’d get it developed so she could never forget her darling boy. Two promises broken at once because I found that camera, and the film still inside it a decade later, the picture still undeveloped until I asked Jonathan if he could.

Dustin was right when he read somewhere that writing to our past could help us feel better, but he was wrong too. He suggested times I could write to for stupid things or times following what he thinks are the big traumas, but those are easy. I knew more of the world then, but you’re just a kid, younger than Erica was when I got to know her and needing far more protection than I think she’s ever done.

If Robin had brought you into the back room of Scoops that day I might’ve done the most sensible thing ever and just driven out of Hawkins, you and Dustin packed into the back seat to try and figure out how to survive. Until Mrs Henderson took Dustin back because she loves him so much.

Sometimes it hurts to witness that, because of your year, 8yrs old and absolutely sure I was a big boy who could cope with a few nights home alone because mom wanted to go with father on a short trip. You shouldn’t have been, have needed to be, and for a long time I’ve been sad about that.

Mom and father were home last week and she found the picture, said she didn’t remember getting it developed. I didn’t correct her. Because you were lonely, scared, for so long, and now I’m mad.

I know you get through it, become the best cook to start taking home economics and almost kill yourself mixing cleaning products enough times you didn’t need chemistry class to tell you what makes poisonous gases. You get to become me eventually, but you shouldn’t have. I could never imagine leaving one of the kids I look after home alone in the way you were, and that’s on our parents. They failed you, even before now, but at 8 was the first time you wondered it. You didn’t need to correct yourself then although I know you did. Mom and father failed you.

We make it, and they will realise they’ve been strangers my whole life when they come home to emptied rooms, bills unpaid and no forwarding address. I move out next week to an apartment with friends.

You will have company again.

Steve

Attempt 6:

Your majesty, King Steve,

Eddie is pretty funny and I think I need his flavour of madness right now. Last time I tried to write to you I got mad, at myself more than at you. Then Robin both got mad and started paying attention to how she and everyone talks to me or about who I’ve been. She’s still mad but at herself and others now.

You aren’t good, Steve, but you weren’t as horrible as I began to think. I mean, even at what everyone thinks is my worst I went back to save Nancy. Robin pointed that out to me, sat down and dissected things I was sure I did at my worst, before Nance and I were officially dating.

Some things surprised her and I like knowing that I was a good friend, even to people who weren’t, because you are. You are there giving Carol pudding pots when Tommy ruins hers; there checking no one on the swim or basketball teams gets too hurt by teasing; there trying to make sure everyone claiming to be your friend has what they need.

Those aren’t things a bad person would do, just someone so caught up in protecting themself from the pain of loneliness and isolation that they compromise themself for company. Okay, Robin told me that too, but it tracks.

Most importantly, when I get the chance to be better, to know real connections, I take it. That’s pretty great of you.

Thanks Steve. You take the biggest step for us.

Attempt 7:

To Myself,

It’s been a long journey and I never thought I’d write to myself half so much as I have.

I’ve been popular, lonely, both at once, heartbroken, loved and to hell only to come out fighting. Concussions are far too familiar a sensation and I could probably make do living in the woods with the ways I learnt to cook.

Life is a trip and apparently I don’t get a choice about living it. But in all the letters to our past I’ve written there’s one thing I realised I’ve wanted someone to tell me for years and that’s that it’s okay to mess up. It’s okay if I wasn’t always the nicest person, or that I’m not smart, hardly perfect and have very little will to fight for myself or against other people. I don’t need to be perfect because with the right people we can make a wonderful imperfect family.

To us, Steve. To being myself, as best I know how.

[yourmanz-sodapop]

BTS reaction to BF smoking after quitting

Top! Dom! Male reader

Warnings: Mentions of drugs and smoking

Jin:

Jin and you have been dating for six months. Six months he worked hard to get you to drop that nasty habit of smoking all the time.

Here you are both at a party. He’s been eyeing you like a hawk ever since your friend showed up. It wasn’t a secret that he was the one that enabled you to begin with. From across the room Jin watches as you and your small group walk out to the terrace. 

He trusted you, of course he did but he didn’t trust your friend. When he stepped out to check on you, it really shouldn’t have come as a big surprise that he found you laughing with a lit cigarette in your hand. The laughter quickly died down when your group noticed his serious face.

“Seriously m/n?”

You couldn’t help but feel guilty, you had promised him you’d stop. Quickly putting out the cigarette you followed him back inside and out the front door. The car ride was silent with him looking out the window the whole time.

“I only had one”

“That doesn’t make it better”

“I know, I’m so sorry baby, I know I said I’d stop but everyone was teasing me and,... I couldn’t help myself”

You could see the disappointment in his eyes, but also the understanding in them. He listened to you, he knew it was a habit to break.

“Just promise me you’ll try”

“I will, you know I will”

Yoongi:

As laid back and chill Yoongi was, he absolutely hated it when you smoked. When he met you all those years ago you were a lot worse, it took years for you to be able to even resist the need to smoke at least once a day but you got there. 

So when he sees the video your friend posted of you smoking he was frustrated to say the least. When you got home late at night after said friend's birthday party, he was there, very much awake, with a frown sitting on the couch looking at you. You couldn’t tell if he was sad or mad.

“What's wrong, love?”

He pulls out his phone and shows you the video. All you can do is look up at the ceiling, not being able to stop the sigh passing your lips.

“Anything to say?”

“I’m sorry. Really I am”

“You should be. Please take better care of yourself.”

“I will, I promise I will”

As you lean in for a kiss he places his hand on your mouth and walks around you heading towards your shared bedroom. 

“Go shower and throw those clothes away. You're sleeping on the couch.”

Hoseok:

As soon as he walked into your home he could smell the smoke. He knew even after quitting you had a bad habit of smoking one when you had a bad day. He tried to be supportive he really did but he couldn’t help but feel as if every time you took a step forward into getting healthier something always got in the way.

He walks into your office to see you looking out the window huffing out a puff of smoke. 

As soon as he closed the door you turned around with an apologetic look on your face.

“Are you going to put it out or not?”

“Yea”

He wraps his around you from behind, head pressed against your back, his heart breaking from knowing that you’re not able to resist this habit. He just wants you to be healthy. He wants a future with you where cigarettes aren’t a constant in your life. 

Namjoon:

When Namjoon and you met everyone warned him about you. You smoked, you drank, pretty safe bet to say his friends and family weren’t exactly pleased when he continued to hang out with you. 

Then when you two started to date he made you quit smoking and you were doing so great, two years without smoking. Which is why he was completely devastated when at a family reunion he caught you smoking with your brothers. 

Just one look at your face and he knew you felt bad about it. Guilty that you broke your promise. He nodded his head towards the door and walked away whilst you put out your cigar.

“I know what you’re going to say, and all I can say is I’m sorry. I just couldn’t help it not tonight.”

“As long as you know there’s a problem.”

He knew why you smoked, he knew who was at fault for it. You were just looking for an escape and being back at your old house that he knew inspired nothing but bad memories for you he understood why you had done it. It did nothing to stop the disappointment he felt but he understood where you were coming from. 

He loves you, he adores you. It’s why he fought so much to get you to stop smoking. It’s why he stayed even when you lost your patience with him and walked out. He knew you loved him just as much, why else did you go back to him each and every time apologizing to him. He knows you’ll make a bigger effort to prove to him and yourself you can truly quit. And he knows he’ll be there every step of the way.

Jimin:

Jimin has tried everything, he has taken you to therapy, he has bought you patches, he’s done everything you can think of to try to break your habit, and he did, for a year going on two, you were both at a club with the other and your ex just happened to be there. 

Your ex who was the worst influence on you, he knew she did hard core drugs, she didn’t exactly try to hide it. He also knew that she has some type of obsession with you and hated him.

He took his eyes off you to use the bathroom and all of a sudden your missing, and surprise surprise so is your ex. He truly dislikes her. He knew where you were, outside probably with a cigarette in your mouth thanks to her.

No surprise there, when he walked into the smoking room and saw you in a booth breathing in the cigarette. He never understood how it is that you liked it. It smells horrible and he can only imagine it tastes horrible as well.

The smile on your face is wiped clean off as soon as you see him standing by the door, immediately putting the cigarette out and walking over to him. No words need to be said. He just grabs your hand and walks out letting the others know that you guys are leaving for the night. And yes you do sleep on the couch that night, after brushing and washing your mouth over and over again.

Taehyung:

He can just feel his heart break when Jungkook tells him he saw you smoking outside a convenience store. The night before you said you had to work late. Now he knows not only did you lie about working, but you also broke your clean record of one year.

He knows Jungkook wouldn’t lie to him about it, especially since the first thing you did when you got back was rinse your mouth out with mouthwash, and how you took an hour long shower. 

He knows it’s hard, but he really had hoped you would remain on that clean record. It’s ok it was only one time, right?

When he got home that night you were in your shared bedroom watching a movie. Your pants on the floor, he could see the box of cigarettes sticking out from the pocket. When he stands from picking it up he sees two cigarettes left. By then you had paused the movie and sat up on the bed to look at him.

“You were doing so good baby, what happened?”

He couldn’t stop the tears escaping his eyes, it just hurt so much to see you like this, he could see the disappointment in your eyes. The disappointment of letting yourself down. Having broken one of your goals after having reached it not so long ago. It’s ok though you’ll get there again. He knows you will, you don’t give up easily. 

Jungkook:

Jungkook was cleaning out the closet, getting rid of boxes neither of you needed, donating some things, burning others, as he was cleaning he knocked over an old shoe box of yours and out come stumbling two entire packs of cigars. Almost new one was missing, and you were in your office.  If there's one thing Jungkook hates, it’s secrets between the two of you. He would’ve wanted you to tell him and he would’ve helped you with the urges, but no you had to hide it. 

He didn’t knock, he just slammed the door open and walked straight to you.

“What is this? And don’t say they’re old, the receipt was in the shoebox.”

Yes, he was mad. You made a promise to him and to yourself that you would stop. It’s more than just the cigars and you smoking. It’s about the trust he put in you, to be honest and the fact that you didn’t trust him enough to tell him about your struggles.

He does feel frustrated and he knows you do too, but he wants you to put in the effort to actually get better. You were clean for four years, so what changed?

All he knows is that he hates losing at anything, this has been a challenge since you both started dating and he was not about to lose, he was going to get you to stop smoking permanently.

[avida-heidia-5]

While we wait for the 2024 Formula 1 season to arrive, I thought I’d entertain myself by playing a little tag game I’ve just created. Feel free to participate if you have the time to do it. 😊

🏎️💨 THE FORMULA 1 TAG GAME! 🏎️💨:

1. Who or what got you into F1?

2. Who was the very first F1 driver you supported? Do you support them now? Have your opinions on them differed or stayed the same since then?

3. Who’s your current favourite F1 driver?

4. Is there a driver pairing or pairings you support? What made you attracted to that pairing in the first place?

5. Do your parents, siblings or relatives have a favourite team and/or favourite driver(s)?

6. Do you have any favourite races? Are there any that stand out to you the most?

7. Do you have a favourite circuit? Can be from the past or from the current calendar.

8. Have you ever been to an F1 race in real life? Feel free to tell us your experience going to one if you like.

9. Have you ever met an F1 driver in real life?

10. Do you have a favourite F1 car? If so, what is it?

11. Do you have a favourite one win wonder?

12. Do you have any favourite quotes from the F1 world? This can either be inspirational or hilarious.

(This is all the questions I could come up with, I’m afraid! My brain is absolutely worn to a frazzle! 😮‍💨)

Now tag as many people as you like! I tag the following peeps: @kaossbells, @argentinagp, @hurricane-heatt, @skitskatdacat63, @racingliners, @formulaes5, @princemick, @4xmulti21champion, @schumigrace, @hungriestheidi, @ellalovesvettel, @twinkodium, and @wanderingblindly. Feel free to participate if you would like to. No pressure! 😊

If I haven’t tagged you in this but you want to participate, you have my permission. Go absolutely wild!

Now here are my answers below the cut! Warning: I can be a touch rambly!

1. Who or what got you into F1?

My parents introduced me to F1 in 2004 when I was around 4 or 5 years old. I vividly remember watching pretty much the whole of the 2005 season on the telly and how amazing a lot of the races were back then. 😍 Since then, we’ve been keeping up with watching races, following the news, and visiting Silverstone for Free Practice sessions and fun events like the Classic Weekend and the Lap Of Lights whenever possible.

2. Who was the very first F1 driver you supported? Do you support them now? Have your opinions on them differed or stayed the same since then?

I was drawn to Kimi Räikkönen when I was young because I found him attractive. 😳 This was before I knew anything about F1. 😅 Once I got into the habit of watching the sport regularly, I was happily cheering him on. That McLaren was a BEAST��when it was reliable. 😬

I didn’t know much about Kimi’s story back then. As I grew older though, I did some research on him and came to understand why fans love him so much. He kept a cool head during qualifying and race days (He’s called The Iceman for a reason!) and I just love his personality in general: Quiet, composed, honest, and straightforward. And who could forget the memes that spawned during Kimi’s return to F1?

Even though Kimi’s retired from the sport (seemingly for good 😢), I still love and support him with all my heart, whatever he gets up to. 💙❄️

3. Who’s your current favourite F1 driver?

Sebastian Vettel. Oooooh Sebastian Vettel! Where do I even start? 🥰

I have an insane adoration for this man, even more than Kimi admittedly. Seb is just…on another level to me. 😍😍😍

He’s the sweetest, most loveliest man on the planet. He’s kind, generous, talented, and cultured. He’s also an environmentalist, and I fully support his journey to try and make our planet a greener, tidier, happier, and healthier place. 🌎🌱 I’m always fascinated with what he has to say; whether it’s something positive or negative. He has a ridiculous knowledge of everything related to F1 and our environment, and I love him even more for it.

Seb is also retired from F1 and I still miss him dearly, but that doesn’t stop me from loving and supporting this man. I adore him to absolute BITS! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

4. Is there a driver pairing or pairings you support? What made you attracted to that pairing in the first place?

Sebastian Vettel and Mark Webber have an interesting dynamic to me. I’ve enjoyed seeing their relationship develop and fall apart and repair themselves back together on track, from when the two were teammates at Red Bull all the way up to today. It’s good that they can laugh about their mishaps and misfortunes afterwards. I don’t know, these two just fascinate me. 💜

Other favourite driver pairings include (in no particular order): Seb and Kimi, Seb and Charles Leclerc, Fernando Alonso and Giancarlo Fisichella, Fernando Alonso and Lance Stroll, Lando Norris and Carlos Sainz Jr., Lando Norris and Daniel Ricciardo, Charles Leclerc and Carlos Sainz Jr., and FINALLY, Alex Albon and Logan Sargeant.

5. Do your parents, siblings or relatives have a favourite team and/or favourite driver(s)?

We’re happy to support any team, but we’re primarily McLaren supporters in this household. 🧡 As for drivers, my mum loves Jenson Button and my dad is a Nigel Mansell and Fernando Alonso supporter. My sister just recently started getting into F1 and she supports Lando Norris. We never have any complaints or disputes over our choices, which is nice. 😊

6. Do you have any favourite races? Are there any that stand out to you the most?

There’s quite a lot of races I’ve enjoyed watching over the years. I don’t like the current races that much; I’m more of a 2000’s & 2010’s grid enjoyer. My favourite race of all time has got to be the 2012 Brazilian GP. It was the most nail-biting race I have ever watched! I was on the edge of my seat the whole time! 😱 To me, nothing can top it!

However, the race that stood out to me the most – and the race that firmly cemented my enjoyment for the sport – was the 2005 Japanese Grand Prix. Kimi was a BEAST in that McLaren! From starting dead last on the grid to snatching victory on the final lap. What a show he put on! 🤩👏🏻

7. Do you have a favourite circuit? Can be from the past or from the current calendar.

Spa-Francorchamps will forever be my favourite circuit. It’s home to one of the most iconic battles in history. (“BUT HERE COMES SEBASTIAN VETTEL!!!!”) Plus the foresty backdrop is absolutely stunning. 😍 One of my dream goals is to visit this iconic circuit and watch a race in person one day. 🙏🏻

I also love Silverstone, Hockenheim, Monza, Sepang, Interlagos, and the Nürburgring.

8. Have you ever been to an F1 race in real life? Feel free to tell us your experience going to one if you like.

No, I’ve never been to a race before. Not yet, at least. I would really love to go to one with my family and friends though. 🤩🙏🏻

9. Have you ever met an F1 driver in real life?

Unfortunately, as of writing, no. We’ve taken many pictures of drivers, but I’ve yet to actually come face-to-face with them and take their autographs and have pictures with them. 🙁 One day, I’m hoping this will all come true. 🤞🏻

My parents briefly talked to Esteban Ocon when he was a reserve driver. (They don’t know which team he was in at the time and I don’t know either. This was around 2015, if that helps. 🤷🏻‍♀️) My mum was extremely lucky to talk to and get an autograph from Jenson Button’s dad John when he was alive. I believe this was around the time before Jenson won the World Championship. They’ve yet to get Jenson’s autograph. Again, one day! 🤞🏻

10. Do you have a favourite F1 car? If so, what is it?

I don’t have many favourite cars, and I’m not a car nerd like my dad is. However, the McLaren MP4/20 is a certified favourite of mine. The black and white West McLaren livery in general looked very smart. I’m happy it lasted a very long time from 1997 to 2005. 😍 I wish they brought those colours back in modern races, like for special occasions or something. 😭

I also love the blue and yellow Mild Seven Renault livery from 2005, followed by McLaren’s delightfully retro Gulf livery from 2021, and Hungry Heidi herself: the Red Bull RB9 from 2013.

11. Do you have a favourite one win wonder?

Robert Kubica. This man went from having his horrific accident during the 2007 Canadian GP to winning the race a year later at the same circuit. What a legend! 🤍

12. Do you have any favourite quotes from the F1 world? This can either be inspirational or hilarious.

Let’s start with my favourite hilarious quote: Kimi’s got hundreds of iconic moments during his time in F1. I actually use his infamous quote “Just leave me alone! I know what I’m doing!” quite often in normal conversations, so…I’ll go with that! 🤣🤣🤣

As for inspirational quotes, hmmm, that’s a lot harder. The one that came to my head first was Daniel Ricciardo’s “Enjoy the butterflies” quote. I also love Sebastian Vettel’s “You can’t always be the best, but you can do your best.” and his retirement speech, among others. If I had to choose one….uhhhhh, let’s go with Daniel! I love them all equally though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[sadistic-kiss]

👩‍🍳Chef Talk 👩‍🍳

I know I failed the drawing challenge so I’m starting over on day 1 lmao.

I’ve been kind of sad and in the dumps lately and it’s all because of a stupid boy ✨. I wish I didn’t care so much but I do and I hate that I do. So I’m in my Lana del rey Billie eillish moment right now lol. I’m dealing with a sad girl summer 🙂‍↕️

I know this feeling is temporary, but I find sometimes it’s easy to slip into once I’ve already been here. It’s almost like working out, like day by day I have to exercise my brain in healthy ways. Feed myself(healthy things), work out, sleep on time, take a moment to draw. I have to actively fight the urge to bed rot and scroll on TikTok because then the day goes and I feel even more depressed that I didn’t accomplish anything.

It’s like a constant up hill battle and when I started doing well sometimes something can throw me off -LIKE A STUPID BOY- cough- something is in my throat. But anyways~ I’m trying to work myself back into a healthier mindset and namaste these bitches away 🙏.

I’m like one drop away from having a mental break down but like a girl is living I guess lol.

It’s almost like I have to talk to myself, like I have to treat myself like I would my friend who is going through a depressive episode. I have to tell myself like… come in let’s do this! You might like it! And I cycle through things that I might like to do even though I really really don’t want to do it and soemtimes I even find myself enjoying it and it gives me a teaspoon of serotonin and I cheer myself on like I was the first gal on the moon.

But sometimes I can’t be my support buddy and my mom will aid me. Or I’ll use my mom as an inspiration I guess. I’ll clean up for her and make her happy and that makes me happy you know?

It’s a weird thing perhaps to behave this way but I don’t really know what else to do to handle depression and anxiety and all the extra mental illness that I got in the add ons package of life.

I also have a hard time being mean to myself and I have to curve it real fast before it gets too deep. And I have this unhealthy obsession with mindlessly scrolling TikTok so now when I realize I’m doing it I screech and throw my phone before it gets out of hand haha. Jk I redirect myself- anytime I want to go to TikTok I’ll try to do something else like play a video game because that makes me feel better I guess lol. Or I’ll tell myself five videos and THATS IT- it almost feels like an addiction if you want me to be honest and it’s kind of scary. I’ve tried to delete it but then I redownloaded it and was like ‘I don’t have a problem 🤨’ when in fact I do lol.

I fall into this pattern and I just have to breakout of it.

I wasn’t going to type all of this but I thought maybe talking about it could help me and some of you out, like maybe some of you may feel this way and maybe talking about it will help you see that you aren’t alone if you too suffer from whatever this is that I do lol.

Anyways I’m going to go eat dinner and get ready for bed. I’m trying to take care of myself and show myself that I do love me and deserve the best of the best. Self care=self love and no one will love me better than me… and maybe like my mom lol 🖤

Here’s the picture I drew today, my love Lana del Rey . I know it’s not Picasso but I was proud to see it looks better than my older drawings and that’s what makes me happy. I compare my drawings to my drawings and no one else’s haha 🤣 🖤

BONUS POINTS I GET TO SHOW THIS DRAWING TO MY MOM HAHAH

[mediocre-eternity]

I was supposed to tell my readers about Las Vegas.

I’m wrapped up in another season of a reading obsession. I’m reading A Touch of Jen by Beth Morgan. So strange, but I had to put it down so I haven’t finished it yet. Otherwise, it’s been one after the other with me. I think the only pause I’ve taken is when we got to Las Vegas.

Most of my kind falls victim to seasonal obsessions, you must understand this. So my absence at times is to be expected.

I also don’t know where to begin: the memories are not chronological. Typical, for mine and Migliore Amore’s past excursions to this city, however this time we were with Benji and Sybelle. Sybelle was back in the states so we figured, why not?

There was someone who asked me what, if we were at all, planning for Benji’s 40th birthday, yes? Well, birthdays can become less and less important and admittedly, I’m quite awful at remembering them, since I have no birthday of my own. But this was a fairly just celebration of that milestone for him.

Four vampires traveling in a group did cause quite the stir around Sin City. For those of my kind, anyway. I don’t think I’m dispelling any masquerades by divulging that the overall vampire population, comparative to the human population, is quite small. In well defended cities like Las Vegas, newcomers are immediately noticed. Even for a city where other blood drinkers are part of the tourism. When Daniel was mortal, this was less of a big deal. As a solitary vampire, it’s quite easy for me to shirk curiosities. Though four of the de Romanus bloodline— well. Introductions had to be made. It was duty— and part of our sacred etiquettes to do so.

I’ll tell you about that later. It was so annoying lol

We won some money, we drank from potent and alcoholic blood, Benji became acutely aware of how many beer bellied, sweat soaked men want to devour young boys and Daniel was incredibly sober for the first time there. An experience, truly. I think I enjoyed Omega Mart the most.

Sybelle was a sight to be seen in Las Vegas. Daniel dressed her in evening gowns, where each one never looked perfect enough for her, in my opinion anyway. Sybelle was having the time of her life, trying on all these clothes. She was so stunning that Benji hid his face a few times, unable to see her in such a way.

Though the tragedy is knowing how unaware of her own beauty she is. Las Vegas is a demon, and if Sybelle was a soft and menstruating mortal female, I fear someone would have carved her up like a starving tiger. The glances, stares and racing thoughts I experienced around her were proof enough. She mostly remained on Daniel’s arm, being occasionally yanked out of the groping street performer circles. I should tell you that it was both a relief and a source of joy to see Daniel be someone’s guardian for once.

But— being able to be with both of them brings a life to me I can’t describe. To see them so loving with a noticeably healthier Daniel. I learned a lot in one week, as debocherous as it was.

Jesse did not accompany us. “Oh no, no,” she told me. “I went once for a bachelorette party the summer of 1981. I was so sick.” She shook her head and turned back toward her laptop. “Never again, not even in the Blood.”

Daniel remarked playfully that us, too were in Las Vegas in the summer of 1981. Perhaps we had all crossed paths. She remarked that she would have been too drunk to remember properly. Drunk in a “not-fun way.”

However, I want to read some more and the rest of what I want to tell you will come after that. I feel a flood of thoughts now and I think I missed telling you a lot, reader. Or ghost. Or whoever I’m talking to.

Mostly myself. I talk to myself a lot.

-A.

[yagamisdiary]

Hey girlie!!! Happy new years!! Do you have any advice on relationships and communication???

happy new years!

so this is something i definitely struggled with for a LONGGGG time i was the “im upset but im not gonna tell u why” person for yearsssssss (ew btw that shit is NOT cute)

it’s definitely a challenge communicating especially if u feel like ur partner isn’t going to hear u out or take u serious bc it makes u want to open up even less

so with that being said, i definitely think it’s important to find someone who is also going to communicate with u because there’s truly no point in saying how u feel to someone who dgaf

next, put ur pride aside !!!!!!!! this was a big problem for me because i tend to be very prideful at times. i have a lot of feelings and emotions but it takes forever for me to admit someone hurt them even though i make it extremely obvious

ever since i started communicating efficiently in my relationship, things have gotten so much healthier and smoother! once u get over the whole pride thing, it’s so easy

normally what i do is i allow myself some time to be dramatic aka go somewhere private and cry or rant etc ( DO NOT RANT TO FAMILY OR FRIENDS TRUST ME YOU WILL REGRET IT)

once u get all the gooey emotions out, that’s when u communicate with ur partner. i say this because if ur like me, you’re going to say things u don’t mean out of anger and because ur emotions are heightened, it’s better to speak when ur levelheaded

i usually start by just pulling them aside or shooting them a text and saying “hey something happened that bothered me and to avoid being passive aggressive and weird, i wanna talk about it”

HOPEFULLY* ur partner is ready to sit and listen to what happened and it’s important u try to say it all as clearly as possible! don’t try to speak rudely (it’s hard i know) because if u upset the person, they’re more likely to walk away from the conversation and it was pretty much useless

u can say things like “i know u probably didn’t mean it that way but when u said/did this, it made me feel this way.”

if the person immediately gets defensive or angry, you should take that as red flag because they’re probably guilty of whatever it is u caught them doing

an unguilty person will tell u the truth and say “i’m sorry you feel that way but that’s not how it happened” and then they’ll go on to their side of the story

sometimes… their side of the story WILL PISS U OFF especially if it’s contradicting your story but again u just respond calmly and say “i get that but im just telling u how it made ME feel”

if they keep giving u push back, just end the conversation and say let’s just talk later

normally, when the person has some time to think and put themselves in your shoes, they’ll come back later and say “ok i get where you’re coming from now and i would feel the same way; i’m sorry for making u feel that way”

it seems hard to believe because ppl aren’t necessarily built for communicating that easily… SPOILER ALERT!!!! it’s not supposed to be easy! it’s supposed to be hard that’s the whole point!

no one likes to admit they’re wrong, no one likes to admit they got their feelings hurt but in order to grow and get past it, u gotta just rip the bandaid and get it over with

and TRUSTTTTT ME it feels so fucking good afterwards and the two of u will gain so much respect and admiration for eachother and ur relationship will get so much stronger everytime because each time u two get upset, you’ll be able to communicate it much easier since u got it over with

[sheppardsmckay]

A bit of a rant here on main lol. Proceed at your own risk.

I’ve recently been going through a bit of healing and discovery about myself now that I finally have some time to process. It’s not a normal or fun thing for me to do to say the least. I’m a very closed off, private person who’s only just now understanding aspects of myself and working through about a decade and a half of trauma which has resulted in chronic health issues and a lot of mental ones too. I have a caregiver’s body at a young age, broken and failing before 30. It’s definitely not at all what I thought my life was gonna turn out to be, and although it’s certainly not been all bad (my career has made some wonderful strides this year, and parts of my health are improving), it’s been harder than I ever imagined.

Early this year was kinda the last straw for a lot of reasons. And because I was entirely too busy to deal with it I did what I do best: compartmentalize and box up the hell out of it. Unfortunately (for everyone) I’ve been developing healthier and better coping mechanisms which means that ain’t as easy as it used to be. A part of me I closed off a long time ago got torn open and left empty which is always exactly what someone like me just loves. And this time I found myself unable to close it again.

Long story (sorta) short, I had a mental epiphany/existential crisis/breakdown after randomly texting something to my friend and I realized “hmm, maybe I’m not keeping it together as well as I thought”. That forced me to take a minute and seriously start to figure this shit out.

So I sat down and talked to my friend (who is honestly the best for listening to my rants, I don’t know how they put up with me) and started processing everything as they recommended.

The process is taking a long time. It’s not like I can just sit down with my brain and be like “so tell me what’s wrong” and then we solve it before my afternoon writing session. It’s not like my brain even works perfectly all the time. But I’m trying despite it all, despite my neurodivergent brain and my health being uncooperative, and me barely understanding any of it, I’m trying.

And what’s the biggest thing that’s helped me in this? Well it’s two things actually. Some stories written by my best friend (same friend who listens to my rants on text, in person….) and a little sci-fi show.

I’ve talked about her here before, but my friend writes some of my favorite stories with some of my favorite tropes and themes. But also they’re very healing. Two in particular have kinda become a regular reread. The characters are relatable and real and I’m able to connect to the MC’s because of their pain, their struggles to survive in a world not made for them, and how they navigate the challenges of failing health in a fallen world. Happy Thought and Light The Way Back Home help me heal and process through these characters eyes, with all the magic and bravery of a fairytale. I read them when I’m hurting, when I feel useless or alone and they help me feel not so alone in the world, so I’m rereading them right now while I’m working through things.

And then along came Stargate Atlantis. Obviously I’ve talked about it a lot recently but this show was not something I planned on adoring so completely. And it was certainly not something that I planned on bringing me to my existential crisis and forcing myself to deal with it at the worst time lol.

But through it I’ve both grown and learned a lot about myself. I’ve become more myself and I’ve healed and worked through trauma because of it.

Through the show I’m once again remembering the value of finding a family, a home that doesn’t always include blood but most definitely warmth and love. Through Sheppard I’m learning that I shouldn’t deal with things on my own, that loyalty and bravery is important and you can rely on others. That the pain that you feel isn’t just a solitary experience and you don’t have to bear the world on your shoulders by yourself. That it isn’t your fault.

And through my dear Rodney I’m reminded that I’ll be loved despite my flaws, that you can be brave and true despite your worst impulses and you can keep trying and failing and trying again because it’s so hard but worth so much. And maybe, just maybe, you can be your weirdest, loudest self and be accepted for it anyway. Because of the show I’ve opened up more, laughed louder, cried more, and I’m realizing the importance of healing and love and a true family. A real one.

I’ve joked that I’m in my “villain era” but I think it’s just me being more of who I am and not what people expect, to create healthy goals and barriers and separate myself from the narrative of some of my family’s problems. I’m speaking up more for myself, which is causing some truly hilarious moments (I’m literally Rodney complaining sometimes it’s both funny and annoying I know) and I’m letting people in, letting myself be more vulnerable and open and not closing off the dangerous and hurt parts of me. I’m letting my wounds out into the sunlight and letting it heal instead of fester alone in the dark. I’m letting go, or trying to, and finding the value of the things to cling to. I’m trying.

And I’m writing again. I haven’t written in quite a well. I’ve edited a whole lot, but nothing new has come to mind. Until this all spiraled out and I decided to say “to hell with it, I’ll just put everything into this book”. It’s become a memoir (in a fantasy,steampunk, post ww2 way, of course) and helped me work through some issues that can only be explained in words on paper.

ALL of this very, very long post (I’m sorry/not sorry) to say that you can learn about yourself at any stage in life, that sometimes things don’t always turn out how they should (and it’s okay), that healing comes only in love and patience and light and that family doesn’t start or end with blood but it’s important, so important to find one. To never stop trying even when it feels useless.

And stories. Stories can mend and save and grow and teach and change. Stories can drag you into the light and they can help you become whole again. They can make you a better person, if you let them. So let them.

Special thanks to the author of the books mentioned, the dragger into the craziness that is SGA and helping me rant and heal and process and mentoring me through stories and writing and sharing. @lightthewaybackhome it’s been a blessing. And a real joy. I definitely wouldn’t have gotten here without you.

And I’m sorry for the Mckayness of me, it’s only gonna get worse I fear.

[your-mommy-ems]

Here’s the first 2 chapters of what’s currently titled LYSSADRIEN in my docs 🥲

Amaryllis/Lyss fc - https://pin.it/3qdlH11

Maximilien fc - https://pin.it/7fPXm1X

Warning for language that’s it

1 

Amaryllis 

“So.” I start, palms down on the smooth, whitewood table. I glance between Darla and Celeste, smiling. “You must be wondering why I’ve gathered us here today.” 

“I’m wondering,” Darla mimics my intermission, “if you’re just here to waste our time.” 

I roll my eyes and Celeste hides her grin behind a glass of white wine. “It’s not. I swear.”

“Then…why aren’t you telling us?” 

My smile widens. “Guess.” 

The answers come simultaneously. “You got laid good last night.” “You want to watch another movie?” 

“No!” I laugh, standing up straight and posing with my hands on my hips. I tilt my shoulders and beam. “You are currently,” I pause again, pursing my lips, “looking at the face of Pierre Rousseau’s spring summer campaign ambassador!” 

“Ahh, Lyss, what!” Darla exclaims, rushing to give me a quick hug. Celeste gives me a small smile and nod of excitement, reaching out to squeeze my wrist. 

“Ya girl’s first big contract,” I sing, soaking up the attention like I always do. Even if it’s only from my two best friends and not flashing cameras. 

“When does the shoot start?” Celeste asks, swirling her glass of wine. 

“Like, two months from now. And it’ll be mostly based here but I’ll have to be in Paris a bit too,” I explain, sitting back down. 

“Oh my god, now I wanna write a section on you,” Darla gushes. Ever since she won a journalism competition a few months ago, she’s been on probationary period at Marie Claire. Her aspiration is to hit Vogue, and she’s not too far off. 

“Please! Feel free to.” I flick my hair. “I need a Vogue debut too, and you’re my key to that.” 

“As soon as the spring summer season starts and we see your face everywhere,” she says, “I’ll try my best to get you at least half a page.” 

“If you’re going to be seeing my face everywhere I deserve at least two pages,” I tease. 

“I’ll try, I’ll try,” she promises, squeezing my fingers. 

I refill my glass, raising it with a bright smile. “A toast to me?” 

“To you,” Darla rolls her eyes, smirking. 

“To you,” Celeste echoes. 

We down our glasses, and I laugh. “Okay, wait, but seriously though, which is my better side? Left or right?”

“Left,” Darla answers as Celeste murmurs something about a symmetrical face. 

2 

Amaryllis 

I’d gone to Thayer to study business, but I was always doing small shoots for smaller brands then. By the time I graduated, I was walking runways for the smaller but higher end brands, and I was doing pretty well financially. I ended up upsetting my parents when I told them I wouldn’t be leading the business team in Anderson Holdings—the business my dear old brother founded—and instead got signed to IMG as a full-time model. It’s barely been a few months since graduation, but I’ve only ever been on a rise since then. And this, this contract with Pierre Rousseau is going to be big. Vogue big. Harper’s Bazaar big. Gigi Hadid type of big. 

Two months pass quickly, full of meetings and seeing new people and basically preparing me for the onslaught of attention I’m going to receive very soon. As if I wouldn’t be able to handle it, I was made for the drama. As a girl, I was always the loud little drama queen. 

Before I know it, I’m standing outside the Pierre Rousseau New York atelier, my excitement buzzing in the tips of my freshly manicured fingers. 

I school my feelings and tuck them into a little pouch in my chest, dropping my smile. The problem with modeling is that we’re not allowed to be so expressive, we’re nothing more than blank canvases for people to showcase their art on. During my first two years of Thayer, I went through a lot of turmoil starving myself. I learnt that you can never be too skinny when it comes to the industry. I still keep my calories in check, but I’m much healthier now. 

Only once I give my details to the person at the counter do they give a call to the atelier upstairs, and someone comes down to get me. She’s probably not older than me, with honey colored hair and a wide smile. 

“Hi!” she says, her excitement written all over her face unlike mine. “I’m Mister Rousseau’s second assistant, Lily. It’s so nice to meet you.” 

She holds out her hand for a handshake. I narrow my eyes and she drops her hand to her side with an awkward laugh, jabbing the lift button with her knuckles. 

As we take the lift up to one of the higher floors, she rattles on about the next season and how excited she is and how I’d be perfect to showcase it. 

I silence her as soon as we hit the tenth floor, barely even halfway there. “How many months have you been Mister Rousseau’s assistant, Layla?”

“It’s actually Lily, Miss. Almost three months. Why? Because if you’re worried about-”

“And I take it he has a track record of firing his assistants quite regularly?”

I finally get the girl to pause. “Well, yes, but-”

“It’s okay,” I say in faux reassurance. Then I smile. “I’ll make sure you don’t last another week.” 

The lift doors open just then, and I step out before she does. My eyes widen to take in the wide space, pink lips parting in excited surprise. The entire space is white. White walls, white floors, white tables, white mannequins. But yet the room is so colorful, with yards of material sprawled across and basically spilling off every single table, draped on the many mannequins, sketches pinned up on an entire face of the wall. 

“Miss Anderson.” A crisp voice with the slightest hint of an accent calls me. 

I turn my head to the sound of my name, and I force my excitement down again when I see the current creative director of Pierre Rousseau. Straight from Pierre’s same bloodline, his grandson, now aging with salt and pepper hair, greets me with a nod of his head. 

“Mister Rousseau, it’s lovely to meet you,” I allow myself a tiny smile as he shakes my hand. “Please, call me Amaryllis. Or Lyss, really, whatever works better for you. It’s a stunning atelier you’ve got here.” I force myself to shut up before I sound like an overexcited fangirl. Dammit, I probably do already. 

“Amaryllis.” Pierre’s smile is warm and slightly unexpected. This is gonna be fun. 

❦

Halfway through the afternoon of going through each sketch, each garment, each detail, a young brunette man walks into the atelier. He’s wearing a full suit even in the summery New York heat, oozing confidence as well as an expensive scent. Clearly he’s of a higher rank than the other designers here. 

“Ah, Amaryllis. This is my son, Maximilien.”

Marcel Rousseau has a son? 

Marcel continued, “He’ll be around most of the time to supervise and assist everything going on around here since I’ll be quite busy until the season starts.” 

Maximilien’s eyes scan me from head to toe, his nose twitching slightly. He doesn’t offer his hand for a handshake, instead just dips his head in greeting. I mirror his gesture, raising my eyes to meet his hazel ones. There’s a silent message he sends me through his gaze—but I can’t decode it. 

A few more hours pass as we continue to go through the entire theme of the campaign and other little details. Maximilien doesn’t say anything the entire time except for critical remarks about his father’s work and visions. Yet throughout the afternoon I can feel his gaze on me. Judging. Scrutinizing. Picking out flaws. I don’t let it affect me, despite the stream of uneasiness flowing through me. What if he finds something he doesn’t like and gets Marcel to find another ambassador? I shoo the doubts out of my head, hoping my confident facade holds up.

Marcel excused himself from the studio a few minutes later with a phone call, and that’s when I finally turn to address Maximilien. “Problem?” 

“Yeah,” he answers noncommittally, not elaborating. 

I frown and purse my lips. “Listen, I get that you’re going to be around a lot, and I seriously don’t like your vibes. And I can’t tell you to get out so I’m going to need you to fix your vibes.”

Maximilien scoffs and shakes his head, pulling a face. His nose twitches again. “What is that even supposed to mean?”

“Your”—I gesture in his general direction with one hand—“aura. It’s terrible.” 

“My aura,” he deadpans, raising a single unimpressed eyebrow. “I thought you were a model, not a psychic.”

“I’m just sayin’. If I’m gonna be around you for the next two or three months, please just don’t make it any worse.” 

“Me? I’m making it worse?” he retorts without a trace of hostility in his tone. His cool is something I could definitely use. 

“Yeah, you. Fix your face.” 

A smirk plays on his lips as he looks past my shoulder, but when he looks at me again the grin is gone. “As soon as you fix your attitude, Miss Anderson.” 

“Amaryllis,” I grit, rolling my eyes. I hate anything to do with the last name, it’s only a constant reminder of what I could’ve been part of in my brother’s huge business and my disappointed  parents. 

He ignores me. I hate being ignored. Instead, he readjusts his cuffs and looks back at the sketches as his father returns to the room with a smile. “I see it’s getting late, we should wrap by for the day. It would be my treat if you two decided to join me for dinner.” 

Maximilien and I lock eyes, and I’m sure we’ve got the same thoughts running through our heads. 

Fuck my life. 

Lmk what you think!

-💋

OMG OMG OMG AHHH WHAT THAT WAS SO GOOD!!!!!!!

I'M INVESTED ALREADY AHHH

It seemed to me like Lyss was very egotistical (is that the right word for it? idk) She was very confident tho

[someuncreativity]

[CW: self-harm, mental health issues]

As much as I don’t like to talk about it in my art or my content, there’s something that’s been bothering me since before I started my online activity.

As a kid, I always wanted to be the most perfect thing ever, whatever I thought that was. I would try to be everyone’s friend, try to outdo everyone when I knew that I was less than them, try to build myself as the most skilled person alive, you get the idea. I was so focused on being this idea of perfection that I eventually started morphing my own body specifically to seem more perfect.

Even now, I find it hard to break those habits I built when I was young: I take my elbows off a restaurant table after realizing they’re there despite the fact that the rest of the people sitting there have them on it, I uncomfortably straighten my back when I realize I’m slumping over at my desk, I didn’t get proper prescription glasses until last year because I didn’t want to seem like a bother for having visionary issues.

Recently, I started noticing these factors of myself with my rapidly deteriorating mental state, alongside the fact that I’ve picked at my skin since I was a kid. Whenever I noticed an imperfection on my arm like a pimple or a bump, I’d squeeze at it until the white stuff was gone or the skin above the area ripped off. Whenever I got a hangnail, I’d pick at it until the nails picking at it were sore and my other finger slightly peeled out. Whenever my lips were feeling dry, I’d peel off the skin until I started bleeding.

No joke, while writing this, I started instinctually biting the inside of my mouth despite the fact that nothing was bothering me there.

These habits have carried with me my whole life. My family keeps telling me not to continue doing them- especially the pimple-squeezing-, and I know that they’re not good for my already damaged skin, but I’ve instinctually kept doing them. I actually still have a few scars left over from doing these things.

I’m not claiming to be a survivor of some horrific experience or something like that; I know that there’s a million other people who have it a million times worse than me. That said, I’ve gone through a fair bit of stuff myself and I’m still trying to process it all. Now probably isn’t the time to talk about my whole life story, but suffice it to say I have reasons to feel the way I do.

Hopefully, I can get over all of this soon and break these habits. Maybe actually live my life for once. I don’t know. Point being, I want to get better, and personally, after realizing the problem, I think breaking these bad habits is the first step into becoming a newer, healthier me.

I’m sorry for being so negative recently. It’s just that I’ve been realizing a lot about myself in the past few months, as you can tell.

I don’t really know how to end this post, but thank you for staying and reading until the end. It means a lot.

[godmerlin]

thanks @90soldsoul you know i love answering these haahaha

Are you satisfied with the way your life is right now? Unfortunately, no.

Do you drink enough water?: I probably need to drink more than I do somedays, but I try.

When was the last time you ate at Burger King?: the 1990s. lol

Do you prefer the beach or the mountains?: Hmmm...Maybe the beach? If it’s private at least. If not than I choose mountains. but I live in the mountains and honestly it’s annoying AF.

How do you usually feel when you wake up on a morning?: ANnoyed that I woke up. lol

Would you rather take someone on a date, or be taken on a date?: Be taken on a date because the other involves me over thinking and anxiety inducing thoughts like “will they like it!?” I’d rather be let down by something subpar than be the one who lets the other person down lmfao

When was the last time you wore high heeled shoes?: I don’t remember. I can’t walk in them because of my knee.

Vodka or wine?: Wine I guess. But I RARELY drink.

How often do you cry?: lately? like 5 days out of the week at least. Since my mom died things have been rough.

Ever had a crush on a teacher?: ahaha Once! he was the band teacher lol

Can you wire a plug?: I don’t believe so since I have no idea what this is lmao

Do you wear socks to bed?: Only, and i do mean only, if im frozen solid from sickness. I hate socks in bed ugh

What is currently bugging you?: Making a choice between 2 objects. I want them both but only have room for one so I’m like, which one do I *need* more?

Where were you when you got your first period (if it applies)?: Ah....it was 9/11 lmao and I think I got it at school but it didn’t register what it was til I got home. I had hurt myself badly during gym that day and was going to hop into the shower with my sister so she could wash my leg down It was covered in cuts and gravel and it hurt too much to do it myself lmfao anyway when i took down my pants she noticed and yelled for my mom who came in and they explained to me it was my period (i had had sex ed before this but I still didn’t think to think that lmao) and I just started crying so hard sobbing that I didn’t want to be a woman. LMAO my mom would tell like EVERYONE this story for YEARS she thought it was so hilarious....and my sister still does to this day. Lmao god.

Can you change a car tire?: Not anymore. my dad taught me how to when i was little but i forgot how. lol

Have you met more than ten celebrities?: Yes, I have!

Do you sleep naked?: No....i hate the feeling of bare skin lmao

What was the best music gig you’ve ever attended?: Robbie Williams live in Las Vegas. I don’t think any other musician will ever top that for me lol. because i never thought I’d ever see him live. I feel like the only musician to top that will be Rob himself, if I ever get the chance to see him again. lol

Have you ever had sexual feelings for anyone you follow?: nooo

Do you think Benedict Cumberbatch is hot?: Yeah, I do. but he’s not what I refer to as “a fave”.

Favourite Disney princess?: Jasmine!!!!

Favourite city?: probably new york, im biased i guess. the vibes are just me. But for out of state.....Los Angeles was quirkier than I thought it was so I’ll go with that.

Can you drive?: Yes.

Cigarettes or alcohol?: alcohol...

Excercise or healthy eating?: i mean you need both but im probably more apt to excersize than eat healthy...Lmao I do eat healthier than I did before but it’s hard because i have issues with certain foods.

Favourite and least favourite accents?: i love the irish accent! any of them! and a scottish one...ANd a british one......from anywhere in the countries. Ahahhaa my least fave is gotta be Boston. LMAO sorry Chris I love you anyway!

What are you looking forward to?: not too much really, things are grim for me. I’ll say eating pizza tonight. LOL

Did you play Red Rover when you were a child?: yeah lol

Are you more attracted to men or women?: Men. but i do find women attractive sometimes.

Do you like 1980s fashion?: it depends on what type of fashion you mean, there’s so many different kinds from one decade alone. Lol. But I like fashion from every decade of the 20th century so I’ll say yes.

[decembermoonskz]

hi izzy!! just dropping by to say hello and ask how you’re doing 🤍

but also seeing what you said about the anon messages really made me think��i do believe that you (and other writers) taking down your works or leaving has scared some readers, you know? it’s just a reminder that we should appreciate all of the fics and the writers behind them, and not only mourn them when they’re gone and it’s too late.

and that’s not to say that your anons or anyone else *didn’t* appreciate them, i’m not trying to call anyone out. i think this can be said for plenty of fandoms and plenty of things outside kpop fics too. it’s just nice to appreciate things and let creators know that you appreciate their things, and not just as a last resort.

anyways. just my ramblings haha. i hope you’re having a good day / night 🤍

aww I agree with what you said rain. honestly I didn’t expect anyone to send me any messages about my fics if I’m being totally honest with you haha 😂 so it’s come as quite a surprise to me.

So I’m going to continue this under the cut so it doesn’t take up too much space. I just wanna say that tldr these are just my thoughts on why I’m really archiving my works and the feedback/plagiarizing events going on and have been going on. Feel free to disagree with me on any of this but please anyone, do not come into my inbox with any discourse or just to tell me you disagree with something.

And before I continue I just wanna say, rain, ty for provoking all these thoughts out of me and sorry I got kinda carried away LOL This got SUPER long so don’t feel like you have to read it lovely but just know you are so one-of-a-kind and I’m so glad you stopped by today when I saw your message I smiled 🫂

So about the messages I got, I just wanna say that there were some of these ppl who replied to their own asks to me and they said they fully understand why I’m doing what I’m doing and it’s nice to know that even tho I don’t necessarily need any validation to be satisfied with my choice.

I’m going to just share my own ramblings and my own feelings towards some of these things bc I really don’t talk about it much (mainly bc it’s kind of draining for me personally)

I think some ppl do understand that this was an inevitability should writers continue to be plagiarized or essentially “left on read” when it comes to feedback (to be slightly witty and lighten this just a bit lol) this topic isn’t one I talk about a lot but I fully acknowledge and hear/see what other authors go through on an (unfortunately) regular basis.

I think the main thing I tried so hard to remind myself of is that I write for myself and no one else. More than once did I forget this and start thinking “oh please like this fic! please tell me it was worth it to write! please like it and me!” I think that’s what my thoughts began to turn into, and when that started happening I knew I needed to step back bc I really started to hate writing and I wanted to just turn away from it. I took a really long hiatus back in 2021 (iirc time is fake) and after writing tons of projects for myself and taking time off of tumblr, I came back in a much healthier mindset.

Basically, I really stopped caring about notes and feedback and for me it was life-changing.

I under no circumstances claim this is how all writers should be to feel better nor do I claim thinking like this is as easy as a snap of your fingers or that it cures all problems. It took me a while to learn this lesson (hence the hiatus) but having learned to not really care about all of that stuff I truly felt better about my writing AND myself. Any and all notes and feedback have just been pure bonuses for me and they brighten my day if I happen to get any. Heck, I’m still shocked that not one but TWO of my fics surpassed 1k notes, like, that’s crazy to me. I realized that once I stopped caring so much about feedback or notes and chose to focus whether or not I was the one who was satisfied with my work, I noticed a lot of positive things would gather towards (such as feedback or reviews).

With all of that being said, this doesn’t make the issues going on go away (though I wish it would). I can’t deny that this is pretty much the perfect time to archive my fics what with the surge of plagiarism coming into the light right now. Of course though, plagiarism has always been around and it happens to anyone over anything, they way I think in no way ignores the fact that something like that is out there and unfortunately we all take a risk when sharing anything online (tho ofc plagiarism can happen even irl but this is more focusing on online). I knew that risk going into it and it hurts when I see other people I know and people I don’t know have their hard work taken by some random stranger all so that person can get more praise from more random strangers on the Internet bc they couldn’t come up with a creative idea on their own.

I really hope that these issues can be resolved and I always send my love and support to all authors who have been affected by plagiarism. I’m glad more people are being brave and using their anger to act and call out these people and standing up for themselves or others. Putting those emotions into something positive is what I hope for the most.

Now the last thing I wanna talk about is the reason I (myself) am taking a break. I think that the timing as I mentioned couldn’t have been better what with everything going on, but these issues aren’t actually the real reason I’m taking this break but i kind of Sept my reasons reasoning under the rug bc it wasn’t necessarily as urgent as others.

My reason is simply bc I’ve kind of lost that drive to post my stuff online at all. The same thing happened when I used to draw and post art years back. I realized that I just enjoy these activities for myself and my friends rn rather than sharing it with a ton of people. Now this isn’t to say that I hate it or that I’ll never post again ever. I doubt that honestly. But I think taking this break is good for me bc I just want to talk about my fics and/or share them with friends right now and that’s enough for me. Im sad to stop posting, yes, but it feels kind of like I’m closing a chapter. That doesn’t mean I can’t change my mind later on or want to post again either! I think we forget sometimes that we can make decisions and essentially unmake them down the road. There doesn’t need to be this fear of seeming indecisive to others or anything like that. I feel like I’d love to come back and post again some time but for now I’m good. I enjoy being on tumblr to reblog posts, chat and ramble, and maybe even come back to see messages in my inbox. That alone makes me happy and I just don’t wanna add anything else to it rn.

Will I be back to posting? I feel like I will at some point, but idk when that point is exactly. For now, I’m gonna take my time and think about it. I’m gonna keep writing but I just don’t think I need to share it online rn haha and I’m content with that. I don’t believe I was ever “unappreciated” on here, I was happy sharing for the most part, and any and all feedback gave me a little pep in my step, but it wasn’t the sole reason I was posting and that in and of itself I think was the reason I didn’t quit posting on tumblr a long time ago. I do hope that for those who continue to post on tumblr, they know it’s okay to keep doing it. I don’t want them thinking that with people leaving they’re wrong or bad or insane for still posting. Everyone should just do what feels right for them. I hope more and more people will come to appreciate authors more, not just of kpop fic but any fic or any writing. I hope creatives will be appreciated and given lots of love and they will have lots of joy rather than stress in their lives. I just don’t feel like being one of those creatives right now, and that’s okay. I can always come back if or when I feel like it.

I think that’s all sorry for this word dump, this is a fic length itself 😭😂