#and I’m stuck in endless waves of grief

[orphyd]

🧍🏾‍♀️

[exhuastedpigeon]

Buddie Hiatus Fic Recs - Month 4 August 16 - Sept 15

I think is my favourite rec list for this little project so far. It has some of my all time favourite Buddie fics on it, fics that I've read over and over again because they just bring me so much joy.

Previous lists linked at the bottom!

0-5k

here (in your arms) by devirnis / @devirnis Explicit | 2.3k I have had THE WORST day. When I finally get home, I’m going to pass out and sleep like a rock, and then I want to wake up with you inside me.

the art of peeling mandarins for the one you love by oklahoma / @sunshinediaz Teen | 3.9k Buck asks Eddie to marry him in the kitchen, of all places.

5k-10k

but i've got my teeth in you by oklahoma / @sunshinediazTeen | 5.5k bad things happen bingo—tooth knocked out

you're the cream in my coffee by 42hrb Explicit | 8.6k Buddie coffee shop AU where everything is different, but they’re still idiots in love

wood you be mine? by MonsterRae1 / @monsterrae1 Mature | 9k the Lumberjack Buck fic.

10k-20k

With Great Power Comes Great Pining by Princessfbi / @princessfbi Teen | 10.4k It was the lightning strike. That had to be it. It was the only logical conclusion. Though, when it comes to being able to suddenly read people’s minds, Buck supposed there wasn’t a whole lot of logic involved.

endless numbered days by Daisies_and_Briars / @cal-daisies-and-briars Gen | 13.1k When a big event in the lives of the members of the 118 falls on the same weekend as Bobby's late son's birthday, Bobby finds himself reflecting on grief, fatherhood, and life after loss. 

The Scroll of Saint Barnabas by Amiril / @runawaymarbles Mature | 15k The day of the shooting, Eddie got stuck in a time loop. But that was three months ago. He's completely fine now.

Say Yes, and Figure It Out Afterwards by catwalksalone Explicit | 13.3k Buck and Eddie figure out a mutually beneficial way to deal with the first responder post-trauma cycle of up-horny-down.

Share the Joy by TalkNerdyToMe6 Teen | 14.2k After the lightning strike, Buck discovers he has more than just the ability to do long division in his head. Every time he touches Eddie, everything the other man is feeling moves through him like a wave of emotion, there and gone again. Buck can’t decide if that’s a blessing or a curse.

20k - 30k

light through the wave tips by bvckandeddie (zukkababey) / @bvckandeddie Explicit | 21.9k When Buck and Eddie planned a vacation with their kids over a year ago, they hadn’t exactly planned on bringing a seven-month-old baby along with them. Surely wrangling three kids can't be too much of a challenge—that is, if it weren't for Christopher's steadily worsening mood.

Cutting The Ties That Bind by kristen999 / @thekristen999 Mature | 34.4k Evan Buckley was a businessman, he had meetings and deadlines like everyone else. Sometimes he used intimation. While using the very same tactics he was trying to end while converting his family business into legitimate operations was a little hypocritical, it was the results that mattered.

Occasionally, he got threatened, but it was usually all hot air and ego. That all changed the day his breaks were tampered with. Enter Eddie Diaz, security specialist, who was not easily impressed by Buck’s expensive suits or financial conquests. That was okay. Buck enjoyed a challenge.

30k +

family (portrait) by ProsperDemeter / @prosperdemeter2 Teen | 45.1k realizing that the family that you need has been beside you all along.

like a dog with a bird at your door by fleetinghearts / @shitouttabuck Explicit | 51.1k evan “i love you like a dog” buckley has only ever known how to love like, well, a dog, but maybe eddie diaz is the kinda guy to give a flea-bitten mongrel a forever home

Being Eddie by Daisies_and_Briars / @cal-daisies-and-briars Teen | 79.8 Eddie goes through the time travel therapy process of the 2009 Canadian TV show Being Erica

what a heart can do by bvckandeddie (zukkababey) / @bvckandeddie Teen | 85.5k In which Buck becomes the guardian of the daughter he never knew he had. Together, they discover what happiness truly means to them.

Month 1 (May 15 - June 15) Month 2 (June 16 - July 15) Month 3 (July 16 - August 15)

[sweet-s0rr0w]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you so much to @citrusses, @danpuff-ao3, @tackytigerfic, @maesterchill and @squintclover for tagging me in this! I loved reading your answers, which is what made me finally decide to do this one. I'm really awful at these, and I'm stuck in that endless blank early period of motherhood where my focus is so inwards, so survivalist, that I've lost all sense of popular songs/films/sport, which is a big part of why I don't generally do other 'about you' type posts. So I'm also tagging @elskanellis, @epitomereally, @mallstars, @oknowkiss and @thecouchsofa who recently tagged me in other posts to say thank you <3 and I appreciate you, and here, do this one if you like <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

25, good grief

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

332,461!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Just Harry Potter. Can’t see that changing any time soon, but never say never. Meanwhile F1 will remain the One That Got Away!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Nor All That Glisters (111k, E, Drarry)

Kept in Cages (77k, E, Drarry)

Dreaming Skies (21k, E, Dron collab with @tackytigerfic)

When The Party's Over (5.4k, E, Drarry)

Among the Elements (8.3k, E, Drarry)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Embarrassingly enough, not usually. Basically, I got very overwhelmed last summer after writing Kept in Cages, because I pushed myself ridiculously hard to get it finished in time for Wireless (last fic in Wireless, but I made it!!) Combined with a lot of stress in my personal life, I then experienced massive burnout and had six months of complete writer’s block. Meanwhile, I got some really wonderful, brilliant, thoughtful comments on that fic, and I felt just awful and like a total fraud who couldn’t put a sentence together, and couldn’t bring myself to even respond. And now I don’t feel like I can reply to anything more recent until I’ve got through the old comments, etc etc. I guess I should just get over myself and crack on though, because I love getting comments and do really truly read and appreciate every single one.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I tend to give them at the very least a hopeful ending, so I had to look through my account to work this out, and I think this has to go to my weird tiny little dark fic Not Waving (M, 3k, Drarry).

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

As above, I do like a happy ending, but rarely is it unqualified happiness. Kept in Cages, maybe, because I like that they’ve built a life away from everything, and that it’s something that they’ve each freely chosen. Or perhaps Silhouettes (E, 17k, Dronarry), which now I think about it does have a rare conveniently-packaged ending!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not yet! The odd lightly offensive bookmark rating, but nothing that especially bothers me. I got caught up in the top/bottom trolling early in my time in fandom, but that stuff was so ridiculous I just deleted the lot of it and didn’t think of it again.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I write what I want to read, really, which (naturally) involves smut. I can’t do PWPs though; there’s a Tumblr post that says, like, ‘I’m going to write a quick PWP, the starting premise is that character A has lost their faith in god’, and this is kind of me. Sex in fic for me is a big part of relationship development, and so I usually slot in whatever works best for the characters from that point of view. I’m actually writing something right now that’s fast sexual burn/slow relationship burn, and it’s a very new dynamic for me, to try and take the feelings away (a bit, obviously they’re going to catch them sooner or later).

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I don’t really enjoy reading them, so it doesn’t really enter my mind to try and write one. I suppose sports AUs are the exception to the rule – does that count? I haven’t written one, but I’ve read some I’ve adored (@sleepstxtic, @citrusses) and I could see myself having a go.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

A couple, I think. Someone translated NATG to Brazilian Portuguese, all 111k of the thing (although looking now I think it might have been taken down!), and Nice I think got translated to Vietnamese.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, Dreaming Skies with @tackytigerfic. Dream come true, etc etc. I have to say, I’d absolutely be up for another collab with someone in the future (time/life/etc allowing, which is a big if for me).

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Drarry. Twenty-one years and counting!

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Oh, I’d never say never! Good to always have something on the backburner, I say.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, I think. And I used to think pacing, but currently having a slight crisis about this in my latest fic, so get back to me! But yeah, dialogue; as I was saying to @fluxweeed the other day, sometimes I feel like I write my fics by just filling in the gaps between dialogue.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Everything that’s not dialogue! No, I’d say probably endings. I don’t think I’ve mastered the art of ending strong just yet. I’m too keen to satisfy readers, possibly, or maybe it’s the dialogue thing again, I want to end on a quip or something, and it never sits quite right. I should really start looking at what I think makes a good ending, I guess.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Fine? I mean, I wouldn’t personally do it using google translate or anything, because I’d have horrors that I’d accidentally end up insulting someone, but if I know the language a bit and/or have someone I can trust to help, that’s fine.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

First and only, HP. I read HP back in the early 00s – a broad range of stuff, following the well-known authors (Cassie Clare, Maya, Rhysenn, Aja etc), but was always just a lurker, never part of fandom (was too nervous, and too busy with F1, which was a very niche fandom back then, consisting of about 30 of us and an unhealthy number of screenshots of Jarno Trulli’s backside after every race – I ran a fic archive and modded fests etc, but never wrote). Then when I got back into fandom, it was immediately HP, and immediately Drarry <3

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Don’t make me choose between my children!

Tagging: gosh, I think I've tagged enough people just in the course of my ramblings! Oh, maybe also @shealwaysreads, and @skeptiquewrites if you haven't done it, and the Aussie crew @moonflower-rose and @shiftylinguini, I'd love to know your answers if you have the inclination. Anyone who gets a tag for the post please feel free to do it and please do tag me with your responses <3

[timetohealit]

Stuck on thinking about how none of this should be happening. How unfair it is for a soul as kind as Liam’s to not get the chance to reach the turning point for good.

When I saw him in May, I teared up seeing all those hands waiving hello and pointing at him during Night Changes. I hoped with all my heart that those days would give him the final boost to find the way out. To chase back what he was definitely built for.

For years I’ve wished a lot of good things for Liam and I hoped even more that this one thing didn’t happen. But it did and this endless grieving episode I’ve been stuck in for years will just keep going. The one thing I’ve learned from grief is that you can always hold onto love and that’s what I’ll keep doing.

I know I mentioned this when Lottie’s book came out, but I’ll say it again. I’ve learned to see grief as these waves that come and go and reshape you. Time doesn’t necessarily make it easier, but if you’re kind to yourself and allow love to come in and hold you, you’ll learn to accept that there’s a new you and that it’s okay. That’s the best I can offer for those trying to navigate this and feeling lost.

I love you Lima bean. I’ll always remember how you were the first one to offer us comfort during the hard days. I’m sorry 15 year old me kept acting like a mom in your DMs, I’m sorry I kept doing it from time to time later but that was how I tried to love you harder whenever I got a glimpse of your struggles. I’ll always treasure how you tried to entertain us even if the delivery was not very well thought. That’s the one thing I related to the most. I know how hard it is to try to do something good and having to deal with it going wrong, time and time and time again. I wish you could’ve known there was at least one person out there who could see the same flaw in herself and how that only made me want to show you more love. I wish I could’ve lend you my coat like you sang for us.

[unadulteratedkr]

Katherine’s OFMD Fic Masterlist

I decided to put this together because I’m avoiding writing the last chapter of my reverse big bang, and I’ve had this on my to-do list since... *mumbles*. Isn’t it amazing how productive you can be about stuff when you’re avoiding doing something else?

Below the cut, you’ll find all of my (Dialects_and_Costumes on Ao3) Gentlebeard OFMD fics with their ratings and their summaries. The fics are sorted from most to least recent! NOTE: Fics with M and E ratings contain sexually explicit content, so while the body of this post is SFW, those links will not be.

Chapter-Length Fics

you wrote me a lovely letter; now it’s my turn (Complete, Rated T)

Ed writes to Stede about their story

do you think I’d give up? (Complete, Rated E)

Ed has a new strand of pearls when Stede finds him again.

Between the Sand and the Stardust (Complete, Rated E) Written for the OFMD Reverse Big Bang, featuring art from @poorlyformed

Stede Bonnet has lived next to the Wall his whole life, and he's never crossed it before. No one has. It's the Wall.

But then a star falls.

On the opposite side of the Wall.

And it's time for Stede to have an adventure.

let it rain, ‘cause you and I remain the same (Complete, Rated E)

Fuckeries run rampant when a man puts out to sea.

Be it magic, an act of one god or of several, or a phenomenon purely created by those who venture forth on the unfathomable waves of the deep, the ocean keeps all those who traverse her narrow currents at her tempestuous mercy. Many a sailor has fallen victim to her deceptive pliancy; many a sailor has ignored the augurs in her violent seafoam.

For Stede Bonnet, the fuckery comes from a single-minded focus to find his way across the endless waters. He doesn't hear the warning cry, doesn't see the jibing boom swinging viciously towards the back of his skull, he just feels a black hole of pain before there’s no pain, just black.

For Edward Teach, it's a bottle to the head.

Stand to Face Me, Beloved (Complete, Rated E) Written for the OFMD Big Bang 2022, featuring art from @poorlyformed

Time has run out for Blackbeard and his crew when the Revenge is taken by the fearsome Captain Anne Bonny and Captain Mary Read. As Edward adjusts to life aboard Captain Read's ship, he learns Stede Bonnet has died. Ed navigates his grief as Anne and Mary continue to flee from the dogged pursuit of the English Navy, and right as the Navy swoops them up, Stede Bonnet sails back into Ed's life. Together, he and Stede build their way back to trusting one another as they plan a daring raid to rescue Mary and Anne.

I'll follow the echoes (Complete, Rated E)

When the Revenge is in need of some extreme maintenance that leaves the ship and its crew stuck in Nassau for a month, Ed finds himself returning to the piano at a small bar in town far away from anyone who knows him.

One-shots

waiting to see us once beautiful and brave (Rated E)-part 1 of “the princess Ed cinematic universe”, featuring art by @poorlyformed

"What did you want to be when you were young, my love?"

"I wanted to be a princess."

i loved my friend (Rated T)

He's gone.

something to hold in your hands (Rated E)

Ed offers to teach Stede something else that all the pirates are doing. No really. They're all doing this.

you know you wanna give 'em one more chance (Rated G)

Ed hasn't forgiven Stede yet, but that doesn't stop Stede from giving Ed pearls.

plunge me deep (Rated E)

After months living and breathing as the Kraken every night, Ed comes back to land.

in the winter wind, be my warm (Rated T)

When the Revenge sails north to escape a bounty on Jim's head, Stede learns to appreciate the snow through Ed's eyes.

And as I go along, I want you with me (Rated E)

Ed gives himself a tattoo to remember Stede by, and Stede likes it. A lot.

sin is sacred again (Rated E)

“Is this—is this new?” Stede reaches up, and touches the tip of a tentacle brushing hair away from his face. Yeah. Since—yeah. It’s new. It aches to hear the clipped way Ed’s voice echoes in his head. It aches even more to know he could have prevented it by finding this new strain of courage a few days sooner than he did. “Since I left.” The tentacles holding him steady in the water don’t tighten or relax in any way, but they begin to tremble. Since you left.

a mile of clean sand (Rated E)

It's an accident when Stede finds Ed again.

[just-dreaming-marvel]

The Bond Between Us ~ 24

THE BOND BETWEEN US MASTERLIST

< previous chapter

Word Count: 1,910ish

Summary: You have a nightmare.

Notes: I’m actually just in love with this chapter. Please send reactions and I’m still taking suggestions for songs on the playlist!!! Send them in!

You gave your piece of the information about the Nexus Route to the Council. You didn’t want to deal with it anymore, just wanting to rest in your bed. Your mind kept drifting back to what Obi-Wan had said about code and honor as you made your way from the war room to your quarters. Sighing, you decided to just ignore what he had said for now. You were most likely just overthinking it due to exhaustion anyway. You went straight to bed when you arrived in your room, happy to see it after far too long. Sleep welcomed you with open arms.

Sadly, your peaceful sleep didn’t last very long. Nightmares weren’t unfamiliar to you, you had many of them through your younger Padawan years. But, with the guidance of the Council, you learned to control them. You honestly couldn’t recall the last time you had a nightmare. This nightmare felt different than any other nightmare that you could remember.

You were standing in an endless, black space. The only light that shone was from directly above you. Looking up, you couldn’t tell where the light was coming from. You moved your feet slightly, realizing that there was a thin layer of liquid covering the ground. Your eyes slowly raked up your own form, allowing you to see that you were in your normal Jedi attire, minus your lightsaber that usually resided on your hip. You stepped forward and reached your hand out to see if you could pass the lighted area, your foot making a small splash. Your fingers found that there was an invisible shield keeping you in the circle of light.

Suddenly, light shone down in four spots around you, identical to the one you were in. You gasped when you realized that people were trapped inside the circle of lights, and you knew those people. Ahsoka, Padme, Anakin, and Obi-Wan were each in their own section. You couldn’t hear them, but you could see their lips moving. Obi-Wan was studying the source, trying to figure a way out, while Anakin was attacking the shield, clearly trying to get to Padme. Padme was facing Anakin, trying to get his attention, while Ahsoka seemed to be doing what Obi-Wan was doing.

You inhaled sharply as a dark chill ran down your spine. You then noticed tiny waves in the liquid covering the ground outside of where you were stuck. A wind whistled passed you. You looked in the direction in which the wind was coming from. A dark black fog was rolling in and fast. You watched as it quickly made its way over to where Ahsoka was being kept. It started swirling around the bottom of the light, steadily making its way up. Ahsoka began panicking, hitting against the shield as the fog continued up.

“Ahsoka!” You shouted, failing to reach her yourself.

Before you knew it, Ahsoka was completely covered in the dark fog. It took a moment before the fog had moved away and revealed that nothing was left from where Ahsoka had stood, just darkness. Your eyes tracked the fog as it headed toward Padme. Anakin immediately began fighting harder to get out of his confinement. You stood, watching in silent horror as the same thing that happened to Ahsoka happened to Padme. Anakin fell to his knees, his head hung in complete grief. Tears ran down your face as you watched the darkness speed up on its way to Anakin.

“Anakin!” You yelled, wishing that he could hear you. “Ani!” 

Anakin looked up at you with golden eyes, taking your breath away before he completely disappeared from view. Only Sith had golden eyes such as those. Trying to swallow down your emotions as your breath began to labor, you turned to face Obi-Wan. Even through your blurry eyesight, you could tell that he was trying to comfort you. His hand came up to the shield that was keeping him in the small area. Yours shakily did the same. 

“Obi-Wan,” you rasped. The darkness circled the bottom of his confinement as he kept his eyes locked with yours. “Obi-Wan… OBI-WAN!” You screamed as he was completely covered in darkness. 

You fell to your knees, racked with sobs, as the darkness disappeared and left you all alone.

~~~

Obi-Wan, unfortunately, had to sit through a Council meeting before he could get some rest. When he arrived at his quarters, he could sense you asleep in your room. This allowed Obi-Wan some peace of mind as he got ready to sleep himself. He was just about to get into bed when he felt your signature cry out. His brows furrowed as he paused his movements, waiting to see if it would happen again and it did. Your signature was full of pure anguish, something Obi-Wan had never felt from you before.

Standing up slowly, still trying to figure out if what he was feeling was, Obi-Wan felt your cry through the bond once he again. He stumbled back as if it had physically hit him. Not caring about if people saw him, Obi-Wan rushed out of his room and to your door. He didn’t even bother knocking, using the Force to gain access to your room. 

Once he was inside, Obi-Wan could feel your signature ten times more and he could hear you mumbling something. He rushed into your room to see that you were tossing and turning slightly as sweat formed over your face. He also noted that you hadn’t even changed from your clothes after the assignment.

“Y/N,” he called as he knelt beside you on the bed. 

You continued to you toss and turn. Now that he was closer to you, Obi-Wan could hear that one of the things you were mumbling was his name.

“Obi,” you mumbled. “No… No… Please… bring them back… Ani… Obi-Wan… please… take me… take me…”

Obi-Wan’s heart was breaking as he heard you. One of his hands went to hold you down by your shoulder as his other came to cradle your face.

“Wake up, little star,” his voice was begging more than he would have liked, but he needed to wake you. Now that he was this close to you, he could feel the darkness that surrounded the nightmare and he was growing more concerned. “I’m right here. Wake up.”

You gasped as your eyes snapped open. You couldn’t focus in the midst of your panic but you knew that someone was almost on top of you. Obi-Wan was suddenly thrown across the room and slammed into the wall by the Force. He groaned as he slid down the wall. Breathing heavily, you sat up and your eyes began to focus.

“Obi?” You questioned, seeing him on the floor across your room. You looked just above him on the wall and noticed a dent. “Oh no.” You started to realize what you had done. Tears cascaded down your face as your words rapidly flew out of your mouth. “I’m so sorry, Obi. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know. I—“

“It’s okay, it’s okay, little star,” Obi-Wan tried to soothe as he stood up and raced to your side. 

The quick moments made you flinch back against the wall and away from Obi-Wan. He held his hands up to show you that he meant no harm as he slowly knelt beside you. Your breathing was still loud and labored as you watched Obi-Wan’s careful movements. He was growing concerned that you may pass out if you continued to breathe like this.

“Little star, you need to slow down your breathing,” Obi-Wan gently told you. His signature slowly reached out to ours, waiting for you to make the move to grasp it. “Can you follow my breathing pattern?”

When you didn’t give a verbal response, Obi-Wan started to breathe out deep and slow, exaggerating a bit to help push you along. You started to follow his breathing patterns, keeping eye contact with him as you did. Obi-Wan felt relief as you slowly began to breathe steadily again. You could feel his signature waiting for yours to grasp it and now, as you were a little calmer, you readily did so. Your little grasp allowed Obi-Wan’s signature to wrap around yours and begin to comfort it. 

Obi-Wan carefully used the Force to sense more about what happened. The nightmare you had just experienced was still at the forefront of your mind, playing over and over again. He didn’t push to see it though, waiting for you to tell him what happened.

“Thank you,” you breathed out. “I’m sorry for throwing you against the wall.”

“It’s alright, darling,” he responded softly. “Next time I’ll be more careful when I wake you.” You nodded, eyes still slightly glazed over. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

You bit your bottom lip and looked away from Obi-Wan. You couldn’t get the way he calmly looked at you in your nightmare as he was taken by the darkness out of your head. He disappeared while trying to comfort you, but all it did was break you. Was this nightmare trying to tell you something?

“I can feel your thoughts spiraling, little star,” Obi-Wan spoke up, trying to be as even-toned as possible. “I’m concerned.”

“I’m not ready to talk about it yet,” you rasped.

Obi-Wan nodded in understanding. “How can I help you then, my dear? I can’t stand seeing you like this.”

“Hold me?”

“Of course.”

Obi-Wan slowly moved toward you on the bed. He leaned back against the wall before he carefully reached out an arm, placed it around your shoulders, and pulled you into him. You melted into his side, your arms wrapping around his middle as your head leaned against his shoulder. Obi-Wan placed a kiss on your head as his other arm came around you to hold you closer.

“Don’t leave,” you squeaked, voice filling with emotion. “Please.”

“Not planning on it, little star,” Obi-Wan replied, kissing your head again. “Never again.”

~~~

As you slowly came to your senses, you could feel that you were pressed up against a chest. Two strong arms were keeping you in place. You smiled as the signature intertwined with yours and tried to pull your signature closer. Obi-Wan’s heartbeat sounded underneath your ear as your head steadily moved up and down with his breathing. You were incredibly grateful that Obi-Wan hated left before you woke, especially because your nightmare was still haunting you. 

Why were Padme, Anakin, Ahsoka, and Obi-Wan in it? What did the dark fog represent? Why did they each disappear like that?

“Be mindful of your thoughts, little star,” Obi-Wan grumbled. “They are loud.”

“Sorry,” you muttered. You moved your head to see that he was glancing down at you.

“It’s alright.”

You leaned up and kissed his bearded chin. “Thanks for coming to my rescue.”

“It does seem to be a common occurrence. But for you, I will always.” He leaned down and kissed your lips softly. “I love you, little star.”

“I love you, Obi.”

“Are you ready to talk about the dream yet?”

“Maybe in a minute… can we just stay here like this for a little longer?”

“Of course.”

next chapter >

TAGLIST IS CLOSED - Taglist Information

[drewstarkeylover21]

Billet Doux (Steve Harrington)

Summary: bil·let-doux/ˌbilāˈdo͞o/ : The French term for a love letter. A love letter written just for Steve.  A/N: Steve Harrington is literally the daddiest of all daddies. I love him so much I feel like my heart could explode. I also love all of YOU guys so much that my heart could explode. 

Warnings: swearing, talks of mental struggles from reader, fluff, and immense proclamation of love for baby hunny Steve. 

Steve Harrington,

My perfect dream boy. Happy 21st birthday. 

I can’t even begin to fathom how grateful I am for you. I’ve rewritten this letter 4 times already, and I keep running into the same issue. It seems as though there aren’t enough words in the English language to properly explain how much I admire you. I’m no writer, but thank God for the ability to read other people’s writings, because I’m about to poach Fitzgerald’s big fat symbol of love. 

You are the green light at the end of my dock - the unwavering embodiment of endless love and hope. You keep me sane, you keep me calm. But most of all, you keep me living. 

These last couple of weeks, I’ve been driving Dustin up to Weathertop so he can radio Suzie through the Cerebro without having to use the home phone. Yesterday, he went on and on to her about how your birthday is coming up and that he isn’t quite sure what to get somebody who has given so much of their own life to others. How Steve Harrington is this bad-ass monster hunter that keeps everybody safe. That you’d dive headfirst into any sign of danger and throw the first punch and take the last hit just to shield us from harm. He doesn’t know how to properly gift you something that will probably seem so insignificant in comparison to all that chances you’ve given the rest of us. The chances of taking another breath, of seeing the sun rise again the next day. They were pretty wise words for a 15 year old dingus who still relies on us to drive him around.

On the drive home, I couldn’t stop thinking about how right Dustin was. How do you get somebody as special as you a birthday present? A new Journey record and a signed copy of Bruce Springsteen’s newest CD doesn’t really seem like it could do the notion justice (I hope you love them by the way, Robin and I have been saving up all of our Family Video paychecks for the last 4 months) so I decided to write this letter to you in the hopes that it reminds you just how loved you are. How special and amazing and one of a kind the name Steve Harrington is. 

You are our greatest protector. My greatest protector. Forget all of the Demogorgons, the MindFlayers, the unhinged and manic Billy Hargroves of the world. The monsters that I’ve faced throughout this Hawkins madness don’t just come in the form of swirly dust particles or crazy boys with untamed mullets. Instead, they’ve also come in intangible forms. In waves of grief over losing people near and dear to us. Through insecurities about who I am as a person. In past traumas that I’ve been so desperate to break free from. Feelings of not being good enough, of not feeling like I’m worth loving, that I’m not as important as the rest of our group says I am. 

And I know you’ve seen what these monsters do to me when the feelings become unbearable. How I get stuck in my own brain, lost in a destructive tornado of frustration and pain, left to drown endlessly in my own sea of thoughts. 

Only, I don’t drown. I swim. Because of you. 

There is always a hand to pull me out of the deep dark ocean I’ve created for myself. It is firm, it is unwavering. But most importantly, it belongs to you, Steve Harrington. 

You make the world so much brighter by just existing, by just being yourself. You are my strength, my comfort, and my sound. You’re a tall glass of lemonade on a hot summer day. A strong shoulder to lean on when I can barely stand. You remind me day after day that I am worth every single ounce of love that you give me. 

Getting to love you seems like it would be the biggest privilege in the world, but it’s not. Honestly, it’d take a stupid, blind fucker not to love you. Instead, I think the biggest privilege in the world lies in being loved by you. Do you know what it feels like to be loved by you? I can’t quite describe it because, again, I’m not very good with words, but if I had to sum it up in a simple sentence, it would be this.

Being loved by you feels like a good night’s sleep. 

A good night’s sleep is warm and comfortable. It is peaceful, serene, and gentle. It is something to yearn for at the end of every night, and leaves you feeling brand new when you wake up. A good night’s sleep makes you feel refreshed and ready to take on a new day in the morning. It is always needed. It encases you and blocks out the rest of the world. 

You are a good night’s sleep Steve. You are warm and comfortable, peaceful, serene, and gentle. I yearn for you every waking moment of the day, from the minute I close my eyes to the second they open. You make me feel refreshed and new. I need you and will always need you. There’s nothing else that matters in the world except for when we are together. 

Thank you for choosing me to love. For choosing my ear to whisper sweet nothings into when we’re dancing around the kitchen at 1 in the morning. For choosing my forehead to plant sweet kisses onto - kisses that hold unspoken promises of love and life and happiness. For choosing my hand to hold, not only when times are scary, but when they are calm. For it is your hand that reminds me that I am safe. That I am home. 

Those boring American moms always have those stupid inspirational quotes hanging around their kitchens and living rooms talking about how home is where the heart is. When I was a teenager, I used to find these laughable. But after envisioning a lifetime with you, those freaking decorative placards couldn’t be more true. 

Home is where the heart is. And my heart is with you, Steve Harrington. 

Thank you for being my home.

Thank you for this life. 

I am so blessed to love you and to be loved by you. You bring such light into everybody’s lives. I don’t know what I’d do without you. 

Happy Birthday my beautiful boy. I love you. 

Yours always,

Y/n

:

Taglist: @notdisneychannel

[jeskoholic]

My Girl Bestfriend

ITZY Ryujin x Male Reader Part 4 of 5

MASTERLIST

REALLY LONG STORY

--- THREE WEEKS LATER---

Ever since that fight with Ryujin, I’ve never felt the same again. It felt like I lost something that I treasured for a long time; like I was permanently stuck in endless grief just after a significant person’s passing. It was as if I lost all sense of reason to exist as I was solely waiting for each day to pass. I was empty, nonetheless.

The worst part of that was I honestly don’t know where to pick up from this situation. I’m right at the very edge of the page and yet I still could not bring myself to move forward knowing I left something behind, unresolved. Well, it isn’t JUST something. Ryujin was my best friend and that would never change even if I acted the worst way I could possibly have in front of her…

If there was a way that I could bring time back I would definitely not say all those hurtful things I’ve said to her. I regret every single thing, and to think that I even said that because I was blindly simping for a girl that I barely even knew…

I hate myself for doing that.

I only realized Ryujin’s point a few days after that bitter exchange. My pride was so struck that I refuse to believe anything else that would destroy the good image I had with Chaeryeong even if I know deep down that Ryujin was making a valid point. She had every right to be concerned with my decisions and I pushed her away to protect my pride. I pushed her away like she was nothing.

What have I done?

“Oppa…? Sorry I’m late,” I heard Yuna’s voice as I was lost staring through the glass window of MIDZY café and restaurant, gazing at the moving vehicles outside. The voice of Ryujin’s younger sister definitely brought my daydreaming to an end as I looked at her take a seat opposite me inside the spacious café.

“Y-Yuna… h-hi… I thought you’re not going to show up. I’m surprised and thankful that you actually did.”

“Sorry, I got into a bit of a mix,” she said, waving her long, straight black hair to fix it as she proceeded to talk to me. “I had to think of a convincing reason to go out of the house. I know unnie’s going to ask me a ton of questions as I don’t usually go out on weekends especially when I’m not with her, so there’s that.”

“I had a hunch that that would happen. I asked for you in such a short notice as well. I guess I am at the fault for that; which is why I deeply appreciate your presence here.”

“It’s okay oppa. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to talk to you too so I really pushed for this meeting. There are times where we would be left in the Art Club room but I just could not bring myself to ask things. It’s one of those times that I actually felt shy towards you knowing what happened; conscious what other people would think when they see that we’re talking to each other. But to point things out, I don’t share the same testament as unnie and I do want to talk to you about what happened.”

I nodded in agreement.

“So I guess there’s no need to tell you why I asked you out here, right? You already know it the moment that I messaged you. First things first, though; before we talk about anything else let’s order something to eat. Since I was the one who asked you out here, it’s on me.”

“Omo, you really know my weaknesses oppa. We’re already close anyway so I won’t even act like I don’t want it just for the sake of etiquette,” she replied with a teasing smile across her beautiful face. Something like that definitely deserves to be treated.

It is also a way of me to make up for what happened. I’m pretty sure that Yuna’s having a difficult time in this situation because she’s getting caught in the middle of the crossfire.

People often say that there’s a weird correlation between generosity and guilt, and I think I’m showing that clearly in this moment. Even if I’m so conscious about that, I don’t think that there’s anything else I can do about it. It’s the smallest of ways I could make it up to Ryujin and I’d take it even if it’s treating her sister for lunch.

“So what are you ordering, oppa?” Yuna asked as soon as the menu was held in front of us after I called the waitress’s attention. “It’s your treat so I think I might want to order what you’re going to get; just to make things sure that it’s not that heavy on the pocket.”

“Oh no, you can actually order whatever you want, Yuna. Please don’t think of this differently. I really do mean that I wanted to treat you to something.”

“Well, if you insist,” Yuna then loomed her beautiful face from the pages of the laminated menu, turning and quickly scanning the covered panels. “Umm, I think I’ll go for a stone pot bibimbap and maybe a pot of steamed eggs with a glass of water. I think that’s all for me.”

“Alright then please make that two,” I said towards the waitress and she nodded after writing the orders on her little clipboard.

“Please wait for your order. We’ll see to it that it would be served as soon as we could!”

“Thank you so much” The two of us said in unplanned unison, earning a look of surprise from Yuna’s end.

I supplied her with an awkward smile just as the waitress cleared the tables and disappeared through what I assumed to be the kitchen door. There was a silence that held still for a good few minutes with Yuna and me waiting for the other to break it. I never realized how awkward this set-up was when I’m actually in it, and maybe even for a girl who has such an outgoing and verbal personality as Yuna, the situation perhaps was too much to take in.

“Yuna,” I began, in attempt to row the boat for the conversation and hopefully break the awkward barrier that has been erected between the both of us. However, before I could continue, her voice immediately cut me.

“Oppa, I’m sorry if I’m a bit awkward,” she said, this time looking me with a look of pure concern on her perfect, round eyes. “I just really did not think that I would be in this situation… with you. I mean, I’m not awkward for myself… I’m more like conveying Ryujin-unnie’s emotions. I hope this won’t look that weird to you.”

“I… I understand Yuna. It must have been really hard… we made it hard for you. I’m sorry.”

“But please, if you have anything else to say to me, please feel free to do so. I know there might be a multitude of things that you’ve been keeping since you had the argument with unnie. I came here to listen and talk to you, after all.”

I sighed; a rather deep and long one actually.

“How is Ryujin these days, Yuna? Is she still… mad at me?”

“Hmmm,” Yuna pondered for a second, placing a manicured index finger over her lower lip. “Well, ‘mad’ is an understatement, oppa, but rest assured she’s doing well for what she’s worth. I think she’s absorbing herself more on her club activities to divert her attention away from things, from you, and she’s doing really well with that. I’ve never seen her so busy like that again ever since she had her first week in JYPEHS last year.”

I guess that was a stupid question to ask. Obviously she’s going to feel like that after what happened. I don’t exactly know what I’m expecting to hear from Yuna.

“That’s… I had to ask you know,” I nodded to her as I felt my own voice trail off. “I never had any progress with Ryujin for the past weeks no matter how much I wanted to talk to her. Every time I felt like I have built courage up for her, things just seem to not even work. I always back out at the last minute… but then I guess everything that I would say would sound like an excuse. Believe me; I’ve been trying really hard.”

Well, in a sense it is an excuse of course. It doesn’t remove that fact that I screwed up with everything else.

“I understand oppa and I do believe you, too... I came here as well to assure you how she’s doing well. I know how much you care about Ryujin-unnie and as her best friend; you deserve to know what’s going on.”

“I wish I could still comfortably call her that, you know. I honestly felt like I rid myself of the right to call her that because I literally reaped everything else that we established together. I feel so awful.”

Silence permeated between the both of us as I took into the moment. There was a period of contempt, a fraction of frustration at what I did, but during that sliver of thought I felt a pair of soft hands hold mine as I lay them silently on the table. I turned just in time to see Yuna giving me a look of reassurance, supplying a smile that showed how much she tried to convey it as sincere as she could get.

“Oppa,” she began, her soft tone rippling through the heavy emotions. “I want you to know that it’s not only you who’s struggling in this situation. Ryujin-unnie debated against herself multiple times whether she should message you or not and believe me, she really wanted to make amends with you. This situation’s really difficult for her as well, but then I never wanted to force her to go and talk to you without thinking things thoroughly. I have a feeling that both of you aren’t on that point yet because you’re still feeling regret, oppa.

“There are times where I would often catch her falling asleep with her message tab open on your name. Ryujin-unnie’s face would look so swollen in the morning that I could only assume that cried to sleep reading your old conversations and how it reminded her how happy the both of you used to be. I wanted to do something about it, but you and I know that the best way for unnie to take all of this in is if she would face it herself. She’s always been like that since the very beginning.”

I paused for a bit. Honestly, I really have no idea what else to reply to her with her statement. Ryujin was a very stern and sometimes stubborn person and I doubt even if Yuna would want to help her, she could hardly do anything about her older sister.

That thought alone makes me want to fix this mess a lot sooner. I can’t let Ryujin and I stay in this situation for longer.

“You know, Yuna,” I told her, this time my mouth was merely moving as I got carried on the emotional bliss. “When I first met Chaeryeong, I honestly don’t know what got into me but I immediately threw myself into her. I thought that it was such an unusual way to meet that whenever I go to the dance studio I remember her almost always. It’s hard to go there now and not associate the place with Chaeryeong. It’s just… I don’t know. Now that I think of it, Ryujin was right on what she said. If only I listened to her with a clear mind, we would not have been stuck in this situation.”

“I kinda felt the same thing too, oppa. It’s too hard to not notice things because it went by so fast. While I am happy seeing that you found someone that you’re taking interest on, it does not remove the fact that you and Chaeryeong were too similar to what happened to Lia-unnie. I hope you can see now why unnie is so concerned. She just wants you to be really sure of your feelings because she doesn’t want you to get hurt again.”

I nodded in silence.

“But I guess I can’t blame you. I don’t know how it feels being in love and I assume that you’re really just stuck on the emotion.”

“That was my greatest mistake, Yuna. I … my pride was so deeply hit that night that I wanted to prove my point even though I know Ryujin was acting like that because she cared. I really regret what happened… If there was a way that I could take my words back and erase everything from Ryujin’s memory, I’ll do it. I’ve said many hurtful words and I’m afraid that it would take its toll for the longest time. I don’t want that to happen. I won’t ever forgive myself if it did. That fight was unnecessary and because of my own stupidity I put a dent on our friendship.”

“So how are you and Chaeryeong now, oppa?”

“I… well there’s nothing,” I said as I slowly shook my head. “We’re still friends, of course. We’re still talking and all that, but I could say that maybe we got a bit more subtle after I had that fight with Ryujin. I just can’t bring myself to really put Chae on the same place before everything happened; I just could not look at her the same way knowing how I acted in spite of my supposed infatuation or whatever towards her. Maybe I was ashamed that I acted like that? I don’t know. However, I’m making sure that I’m not treating her differently… I’m still a senior and I’m her friend and so I try to act like I’m her senior friend.”

“How about your feelings towards her, oppa…?”

“I’m taking a pause with regards to that. I promised myself that I won’t do anything else unless I fix this mess with Ryujin. I want to be sure with my feelings as well.”

“Hmmm… so since we got that introduced already… what traits do—“

“Umm… excuse me?”

Yuna was cut mid-sentence as another voice joined the fray. The rather young waitress from before stood beside Yuna with an apologetic look on her face as if she was too afraid to interfere with the rather absorbed conversation that we were having. The waitress of MIDZY café was frozen there in front of a small, steel push cart bearing what I assumed was the food that we ordered from before.

I could not have asked for a better timing as Yuna seemed to have started to ask me with a question that would be quite difficult to answer right away.

Well, now that I have this small sliver of time with me, I should give it a brief thought…

What traits am I exactly looking for in a girl?

---

“I apologize for interrupting,” the waitress said with a soft, sincere tone on her voice as she gently moved to serve the table of the orders. “You’re orders are ready and I’m going to serve them to you now.”

Y/N shook his head. “Oh no, it’s totally fine. Don’t worry about it. You’re just in perfect time.”

She then bowed all while slowly handing the multitude of plates and platters on Y/N and Yuna’s table. The younger Shin sister, on the other hand, eyed Y/N with a look of suspicion. It was as if she read through the lines that the waitress’ timing was perfect to cut her question.

However, she figured as well that maybe it was for the better. From where she sat, she saw that Y/N was somehow thinking about it. She was sure that he knew what she was talking about and so began to think thoroughly of a good and convincing answer to the pending query.

“The orders are complete. Please just let me know if there is something else that you’d like to order. Just raise your hand and I’ll attend to you immediately.”

“Thank you so much; we’ll let you know for sure,” Y/N said to her, bowing.

“Thank you for your hard work, unnie,” Yuna replied.

The waitress bowed in courtesy before walking off, heading to the other tables in order to attend to the other customers.

“She looks really young, oppa,” Yuna added, apparently noticing the same thing that Y/N did as well. “She’s probably in your year or maybe older by just one or two.”

“Yeah, I thought I was the one that noticed. Anyway, the food looks really great. I don’t remember their portions being this much. It used to be enough but now it felt like it’s more than I could take.”

“The serving did get a lot bigger. I’m quite excited. Shall we dig in?”

Y/N nodded. “Let’s eat, Yuna.”

I wonder if she’s going to continue with her question, Y/N thought to himself after taking a small portion of the steamed eggs that were still smoking from the small pot. I still haven’t thought of it through and I’m sure at some point, when Yuna finally gains composure she would inevitably ask me the same thing again.

How am I going to answer her?

Are these sorts of questions even something I should be worried about or are these the ones that I should just let the river flow with and answer non-objectively?

I really want to be honest, and that’s for sure.

Whatever goes, I guess.

“Let’s go back to what I was saying, oppa,” Yuna said after swallowing a chop stickful of bibimbap. “I wanted to ask you something before we got cut by the orders. I think I need to know this as well since the topic is bound to go there anyway.”

“Go ahead, Yuna.”

“So… I wanted to ask this because we’re talking about Chaeryeong-unnie. You said previously and you even admitted to having a slight infatuation towards her… well I got curious. What traits are you exactly looking for in a girl?”

Y/N nodded as he expected the question anyway. However, he wanted to know something else as well.

“Hmmmm….?”

“I wanted to ask you oppa, because I barely know Chaeryeong-unnie. Other than the few times that I see her around campus and the few chances that we manage to talk to each other, we’re not really more than acquaintances. So, I don’t really know her much probably in the same degree that you do. I don’t really know anything about Lia-unnie as well so I can’t draw the line of similarity between both of them, so I guess that’s why I want to know.”

Y/N fell silent as he digested what Yuna had just said, thinking thoroughly of the truth through her curiosity. While it was true that she barely even knew who Lia was, from Y/N’s perspective there was definitely something that separated Lia and Chaeryeong into two distinct individuals. After a short realization, there was nothing that actually showed how similar they were, or even how different; and it wasn’t because Y/N simply could not tell them apart, but because he realized that he merely lacked enough knowledge to do so.

Chaeryeong was very kind to him. However, the main root for that one was because of the spilled coffee and everything else that followed after that was centred more on their conversations. Lia came out kind to him because they have been talking to each other throughout the examinations, let alone helping each other pass their respective subjects. There were a lot of talks that happened in between, but it won’t deny the fact that he barely knew both of the girls outside of the school grounds and out of the internet where they were talking on. In his head, he thought he knew them but somehow he just could not bring himself to even describe one of them as his ‘ideal girl’.

“Y/N-nim….?” Yuna said amidst the silence.

“Yeah, I heard you. I just… I never had the opportunity to think about it until now. Honestly… I don’t really know. I’m not sure I could give you a concrete answer without being completely dishonest with myself.”

“Wait oppa… you don’t know what traits you’re looking for in a person?”

Y/N gulped for a moment and Yuna watched as he took another spoonful of bibimbap to perhaps stall for the question. After he finished that brief delay, Y/N raised his gaze and met Yuna’s curious eyes with his own. Her round eyes were filled with anticipation with every passing minute.

“I don’t know Yuna. Like I said, I never really thought about it.”

“Oppa… it’s just a question and I don’t think it’s too much. I’m just worried that you might be thinking about it too deep and you’re afraid of giving me an answer that true but not exactly what you would like to tell to someone else. You just need to be completely honest with yourself. I need you to be.”

Y/N gazed at the passing cars and cleared his thoughts, trying to take in Yuna’s suggestion and let the moment come all over him. He wanted to give her an answer and the best, most truthful answer he could give her. With that brief moment of silence, Y/N and Yuna were sitting in pure waiting with the younger Shin sister focusing her attention on her own pot of bibimbap.

“I want someone who could totally understand me,” Y/N spoke after a few minutes of staring at the passing cars, not even bothering to turn his gaze back to Yuna as he finally let his mind speak for him. “I’m a person who is very complicated, volatile even, and I think there are only a couple of people who could tolerate that. I want her to be one of those, and with that she needs to be extremely patient with me. She needs to be someone I can tell all my secrets with; including all of my random thoughts, be it pleasant or really dark, like a living diary. She’ll be like the closest friend I could ever have while at the same time being a person that I could love for the rest of my life. Maybe an outgoing person would be nice as well? I mean, I’m a very closed-closet type of guy who prefers to be confined on the four corners of the classroom or my home and having her become my extreme opposite would complement the traits that I certainly lack.”

Y/N sighed, and finally turned towards Yuna.

“But then again, everything that I said was ideal. It’s hard to find a person like that these days, and judging with how socially awkward I am, being only active on people I deem to be really close to me, then I doubt I could find that person anytime soon.”

“Oppa, I’m surprised that you didn’t include anything physically related. I was actually expecting that your answer would be something on the lines of that but you went off in a completely different direction.”

“Oh, sorry to disappoint; it’s just the train of thought that ran inside my head and it just spilled out. You asked for it and I guess that’s my answer.”

Yuna placed her index finger on her bottom lip once more as she tried to take everything in and leaving a spoonful of bibimbap on the bowl in the process.

“Well, we all have our own descriptions of traits that we’re looking for in a person right? Things are bound to be ideal, oppa. How about in a physical aspect, do you have anything that you prefer?”

“I’m not really that picky, but I guess I want a person who takes care of herself a lot?”

“I don’t think that that is exactly physical, oppa.”

“Wait, it isn’t? Well then maybe a person who has nice skin I guess. If you have nice skin then I think that correctly translates that you take care of yourself, right? Usually that’s the case so I think that’s how I interpret that.”

Yuna nodded.

“That’s interesting to hear oppa. Would you say that Lia and Chaeryeong-unnie fit those descriptions?”

“I would say that they do when I’m going to speak about the physical aspect. I mean, aside from their skin, they are really attractive and all. It’s hard to not have some sort of crush towards them both considering how beautiful they are. I guess I could say the same thing about Yeji.”

If we’re not going to count the physical aspects,” Yuna added after biting a slice of the steamed egg. “Would you say that some of them would fit the traits that you prefer, on the same traits that you’re looking for in your ideal girl?”

I don’t know how this turned into an interview all of a sudden, but I’m all for it. I’m discovering something inside me that I didn’t even know was there.

It’s a lot more convincing now that I admitted to it.

“Well if we’re doing it this way then I might as well pick them one at a time to flesh things out further. Yeji, the first person I admitted to myself that I really do like, was quite obvious. She is this very talented person who was born to be a leader; those two aspects are something that I immediately lack. She’s very outgoing, very sociable, and very light to be around. I guess that’s why I had a crush on her. I just saw something in her that I didn’t see in myself and I admire her for having that trait.

“Lia, on the other hand, had this odd sense of security with her. I would argue that she was the first person that I ever developed feelings with and legitimate ones as well. You know how my crush towards Yeji was just mere ‘campus-crush’ type of deal, right? I guess throughout our brief encounter last year, I got so attached to Lia that I felt like she was so similar to me but not really. We have the same traits; being really simple, a bit outspoken, et cetera. It felt like she was a mirror image of me and I guess that was the reason why I got so attached to her.”

“Wait, oppa, but I thought you prefer people who are your opposite? Isn’t that the one that you’re looking for in a girl like you previously mentioned?”

“It’s ironic, isn’t it? I guess I can’t even explain myself properly. I just felt like I was in such a moment with her because we were so compatible, setting all ideal things aside.”

“How about Chaeryeong unnie; do you feel the same thing?”

“I guess you can say that. You know, if Ryujin didn’t really tell me how I’m taking things too similar to the way I did with Lia, then maybe I won’t even realize what I was trying to do with Chae. That is the reason I paused; I got so attached to Chae as well because I felt like I am being attracted to her the same way that I did with Lia. I don’t want her to be Lia’s ‘continuation’ or ‘substitute’ of sorts because she definitely does not deserve that; no one really does. At this point I’m not entirely sure with her, and maybe the reason for that was because I paused with regards to actually making a move towards her.”

The younger Shin sister fell silent as she sipped from her drink, not entirely sure what to reply. She thought that Y/N would give her something else, but something was clear: if he was 100% sure of his feelings for Chae then he would have pursued her in some way or form. The fact that he halted his advances (whether it was some sort of respect for Ryujin or not) meant that he was not sure of his feelings for her. He was confused because of what happened and Yuna thinks she knows exactly how to point Y/N at the right spot.

“Oppa, can I ask you one more question?”

“Sure thing; it’s not like you haven’t been doing it already.”

“What do you think about Ryujin-unnie?”

Y/N’s face immediately turned towards Yuna.

“What?” he expressed. “What about her?”

“What do you think about Ryujin-unnie?” she repeated.

“How do you want me to answer that Yuna?”

“I mean, just describe her like how you described Yeji-unnie, Lia-unnie, and Chaeryeong-unnie. Maybe you can tell me what made her so special that you chose her to be your best friend in the first place. I never got the chance to ask you that before and now I’d be interested to know.”

Do I really need to answer this?

Well, for starters I don’t think Yuna would take ‘no’ for an answer anyway.

“Umm… I don’t really know. If I would pinpoint exactly what made Ryujin and I click together so well, I’m sure I won’t be able to do so. I think she sort of ‘adopted’ me when I sat beside her during middle school, considering after that day that we engaged in a brief conversation we were already talking too much about each other. But then again, I think that sort of thing was bound to happen with the kind of personality that Ryujin has.”

Man this is so sad to reminisce about. It hurts my heart to recall how we even started every time I remember how we turned out. Damn.

“You see, Ryujin and I have always been polar opposites ever since the beginning and I guess that’s exactly the reason why we got so well together; I’m filling in for the traits that she lacks. I’m more of the ‘theoretical’ person who learns by eating every single fact one by one and by memorizing and doing everything by the book. Ryujin was more of this ‘practical’ type of girl who believes most in her instincts and knowledge that her skills honed over the years. In that regard, when we’re together our personalities just blend in together flawlessly without even clashing against each other’s ideals. We’re like a perfect blend of coffee.

“She was much unexpected too; I mean, I guess it kinda helped that I’m the way I am that she’s simply putting up with all of my shenanigans. Despite me making a lot of mistakes along the way, there was this sense of security with her all throughout. She was just so patient whenever I’m trying to learn a lot of stuff, whether be it Art-related or something that is non-academic, and that is precisely the reason why I’m so comfortable being myself whenever with her. It’s like I could spill my deepest, darkest secrets to her and she’ll be really okay with it as if she’s my own personal, living diary. Of course, I never had a good roster of best friends during primary school and I would say that I never would have asked for a better friend rather than Ryujin. I’d choose her over a million people. There’s not that much people who would complement your imperfections despite being your polar opposite and fill in the traits that you lack—“

Wait…

Y/N stopped in mid-sentence and froze, apparently realizing something that he said in contrast to what he described to Yuna previously. He sat there wide-eyed at the realization and turned towards Yuna, only to see the younger Shin supplying him with a wide, satisfied smile over her previously calm and collected demeanour. It was as if she planned everything all along and now she was satisfied that the outcome turned out exactly how she wanted it to be.

It felt like he was lost again in thought. For that brief pause he was wandering in a long lost abyss again, quite unsure how he would interpret what he; what Yuna, made him realize. It may have been too obvious from the get-go or he may have just been too oblivious all these times that he overlooked the easiest thing to spot and the fact that it happened contributed another mystery to the problem he was facing.

“Yuna…” Y/N began after giving himself a soft pause, but then he felt his voice trail off even before he could continue the rest of his sentence for her.

“Yes oppa…? Why did you suddenly pause?” Yuna replied nonchalant although it was quite obvious that she was turning a blind eye to what just transpired.

“Yuna… what… what are you implying with this?” he asked with a soft tone, defeated.

Yuna shrugged and then gave him a wide smile. “I’m not implying anything, oppa. Those words came out of your own mouth without me even saying anything. All I did was to ask the right questions and you gave me the answers from you heart. It’s up to you how you would interpret those as. The only person who could answer your question is you, oppa.”

“I… I don’t know Yuna… I don’t know about that…”

The emotional realization was too much and Y/N was quite conflicted whether he would accept things or merely interpret them as coincidence, but just as he held his head down he felt a soft touch in his hands that lay limp on the table. He raised his head once again only to find Yuna’s palms rested on his and her face giving him a look of encouragement.

“I just want you and unnie to be happy, oppa and I know you want that as well. That sort of thing could only happen if you both do your parts and be sure of what you both want. Let me ask you this: What do you want, Y/N-nim?”

I can’t believe I’m hearing these words from her. To think that she’s younger than me and is already this wise just made me feel like I was the baby.

“You don’t have to answer that now, oppa. I know you don’t have the answer for it,” she concluded, letting go of Y/N’s hands and moving her attention back to the food. “It’s up to you to sort things out, but if you’re going to ask me I don’t think you need more signs. The fact that you described your ideal girl and your perception of Ryujin-unnie to be the exact same is not coincidence, oppa. If you’re looking for a different sign, then I don’t know what sign you’re looking for honestly. All I’m saying is, maybe some things don’t need to be thought too deeply because they’re already obvious.

“But again, I’m not to speak of what you and unnie would like to do with your life, okay? If all else fails I just want you two to become best friends again because you’ve already been through a lot together. I don’t want a good relationship such as yours to go to waste because I look up a lot to you both, so I do hope you could get this sorted out soon. However, that does not remove the fact that I’m still going to be the #1 Ryujin-Y/N shipper in the entire world even if you two don’t end up together, oppa.”

Y/N sighed.

“I… well if I want us to be… friends again at least… I mean, I already said a lot of unforgivable things to her. Our friendship already has a dent, Yuna, and I don’t think we can go back to the same way that we did all those times ago and what sucks is when I realize that everything was my fault.”

It may have been Y/N’s imagination, but Yuna seemingly raised her head to take a peek at his egg pot in the midst of the heavy nature of the conversation. He’s not sure what she saw inside there but after that quick peek she nodded to herself and her mood notably shifted.

“Oppa, do you like eggs cooked or raw?” she asked out of the blue.

Huh…?

“What?” Y/N retorted back in disbelief. The question was so off-topic that the thought of it surprised him.

“Do you like your eggs cooked or raw?” Yuna repeated, keeping a straight face.

What do eggs have to do with what we’re talking about? He thought to himself, visibly confused. Is she trying to divert the topic for us to not mull things over?

If that’s what she’s doing then I really appreciate it.

“Umm… of course I prefer them cooked,” he replied with an unconvinced face. “I never had any raw eggs but I don’t think I could… can you even eat eggs raw? It would feel so slimy.”

“Well then, so how do you cook the egg?”

What is this?

“Umm… you put oil, butter, or whatever in the pan and them put the egg in there and wait for it to cook?”

“But before that, oppa, what are you going to do? You’re just going to put the egg in the pan?”

“Oh, umm… first you’re going to break the egg then you put it in the pan.”

“Okay, so let’s go through this again,” she said, her expression not even changing from being timid as if the topic was completely normal to talk about. “How do you cook the egg, oppa?”

“First, you’re going to break the egg. After that, you’re going to place it in a preheated pan and then season it before you serve it.”

Yuna nodded.

“Can you repeat that again, oppa? I can’t seem to get it.”

What is with this egg?

“First, you’re going to break the egg then you place it in the pan to cook it.”

“Say again?”

“First, you’re going to break—“

Oh…

Y/N froze upon realizing Yuna’s point. Yuna, on the other hand, gazed back at Y/N with a wide smile plastered on her pretty face.

“It has to break first,” Y/N muttered. “I think I get your point now, Yuna. It needs to break first. WE need to break first.”

“Omo, I’m so happy I finally was able to use that!” She cheered in triumph. “I saw that analogy when I was watching the TV once and I always wanted to tell it to somebody because it was so cool! You have no idea how amazing I feel right now!”

I sometimes forget that Yuna’s still a baby but I won’t deny that was really cool.

“Thank you, Yuna. I think I get it now. That’s amazing and you used that analogy in the most perfect time you could ever use it. Well done.”

“I did? Thank you so much! I feel so strangely happy. I can’t believe I did that.”

“Yeah me neither. I don’t think I can look at eggs the same way again. Thank you.”

Yuna fell silent.

“You know, sometimes you’re more mature than you look, Yuna,” Y/N told her on a light note. “Sometimes you’re even more mature than me. It’s amazing.”

Yuna felt her cheeks hot and her face flush from the compliment.

“T-Thank you oppa… Yeah, I get that a lot.”

“I’m definitely going to fix this, Yuna. I’m going to restore my friendship with Ryujin, I promise you. No matter how long it would take, I won’t throw this down the drain. I’ll just give myself a bit more time now that my mind and my heart are both set on the right direction. Thank you, Yuna.”

He then supplied her with a wide, sincere smile of which she returned with a curt nod.

“I think we should eat,” he declared, now moving his utensils back on the bowl. “We got so absorbed in talking that the food got cold already. I also think we already stayed here for so long.”

“Wait,” Yuna interrupted just as Y/N was about to bring a spoonful of bibimbap inside his mouth. “I’m not pressuring you or anything, but if you’re going to talk and fix this issue with Ryujin-unnie I suggest that you do it within the next few weeks because I don’t want both of you to be like this on the second week of next month.”

“Why? What’s on the second week of February?”

Yuna took a sip from her drink before she resumed speaking, clearing her throat for a brief moment.

“The Grand Ball, oppa. The Grand Ball is happening next month, remember?”

--- TWO WEEKS LATER---

The news of the Grand Ball shocked me more than anything else, and to think that it would even come from Yuna first before I even got to know it from the school itself added to the surprise factor of that. The thought of the JYPEHS Grand Ball quite stuck into me throughout the talk with Yuna and the following days after that. It was needless to say that it somehow diverted my attention from Ryujin for a while, but I would not exactly describe that as a good thing over all. I know that it would happen this year; I just somehow forgot that it’s almost time for it considering everything that happened around me recently. I don’t know who thought that telling the first years of the Grand Ball’s date before the higher-ups would be a good idea; no wonder every time I see a freshman walking along the premises they are so excited about it.

I wish I could feel the same enthusiasm towards it.

So, JYPEHS has this Grand Ball that is held every year on the second week of February. It was always this extravagant, all -school event inviting all the students of the high school in a huge get-together that acts as a large inter-year promenade. It has always been a bane to people who are rather awkward such as me because seniors and second year guys are required to ask a female for the supposed ‘date’ for the evening. I squeezed through that tradition last year when Ryujin took me under her wing, but now that we’re not exactly on good terms with each other, I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. It’s not like I could just not attend for the sake of not wanting to go to. It’s a whole lot more complicated than that.

I guess this was the reason why Yuna was so worried about me and Ryujin. She understands the situation more than anyone else. I’m pretty sure at this point in time, people have their partners already.

Oh crap…

I’ve always conditioned myself to speak to Ryujin, putting the news of the Grand Ball behind me for a bit to focus on her. However, since the news of the Grand Ball was leaked out, things have since been running like an engine. Almost all clubs were fixated on contributing something for the event, including the Art Club where we were tasked to participate to the designing of the entire event hall. At first I thought it was an easy task, but as the days and weeks unfolded the aesthetics started to become a whole lot more tedious with how much space we have to work with. It was needless to say that the days and weeks I initially intended for myself to prepare and apologize to Ryujin were consumed with all the works in the club and the school.

I never saw Ryujin as well throughout the preparations but I figured that as a member of the dance club, she would be involved in a lot of practicing with the members. After all, the dance club always had an intermission prepared for the Grand Ball and they were always so sophisticated and so well-polished; a product of non-stop training to focus on the steps and deliver everything with utmost precision. I wanted to look forward to it but the issues I’m having with Ryujin is the one thing that’s stopping me from completely committing my attention to it. It’s easy to say that I am pretty much distracted with the fight that we had.

In my head, I think it would be for both of our best interests that we merely stayed on our current status and not squeeze the unnecessary emotional blow right in the middle when we’re all busy. I may regret thinking about that on this manner once the pairings are announced for the Grand Ball but then there was nothing else I could do about that. I definitely don’t want to overcomplicate things when they’re already stressful for what they already are. If ever she’s thinking about doing the same thing to me, I’m sure she’s on the same mind-set as well. I know her that much that I could tell she’s feeling the same.

The stretch lasted for about two weeks of non-stop preparation to the point where the Art Club was practically sleeping on the even hallway already. It was filled with days of exhaustion, practising, brainstorming and stress for all of the clubs until the day that the Ball was set.

And before we knew it, the most anticipated day in the school was in arms’ reach…

The day for the JYPEHS Grand Ball has finally come.

--- OUTSIDE THE ENTRANCE OF HOTEL MARQUIS, EXACTLY 6:25 IN THE EVENING---

For the average highschool student, heading to prom (or in this case a Grand Ball but in my head it’s just the same, just with a fancier name that has a better ring to it) is one of the best times to showcase how wealthy amazing one is when it came to formal events. I just arrived at the entrance of the large hotel with its multitude of floors looming above the glass-clad entranceway, and I’d say I’m already overwhelmed with what I’m seeing. Had this event not been a Grand Ball, I would readily feel like it was an award show with amazing and well-dressed my fellow students looked. The event place was also really extravagant but I never really expected anything less coming from JYPEHS. After all, from the looks of it this year’s would look a lot more expensive the previous one just with the hotel setting alone.

To describe Hotel Marquis as high-class and regal would still be an understatement. It was one of the more expensive places in our rather grounded city, cementing the place to be one of the go-to places where high-tier conferences would be held whenever they were necessary. One could definitely see why just by looking at the large place; It was this huge structure situated in a large lot in the middle of the city with its unique, wide-angled and modern architecture contributing to its already imposing impression. Despite being mostly clad in dark green, gold and white, the perfect mix of the colours of its windows coupled by the glass entrance and the impressive fountain landscape on the façade, it was easy to feel a sense of expensiveness even just by standing on its doorways alone. The interior was more than overwhelming as well as the mix of black, gold and silver definitely added a rich touch to it, and then finished by the perfect red carpeted floor.

I’m not that good when it came to events like this and so dressing up usually is a hassle. If it wasn’t for the tips that Yuna gave me when we were talking behind the scenes, I won’t even consider what she asked me to wear. It was a simple tailored suit, but unlike the usual black suit, white shirt and tie that I initially planned to wear, Yuna asked me to add a bit of shade on my clothes. It was due to her suggestion (and insistence) that I settled with a deep emerald green suit with a white shirt with a black vest underneath and a shining black bowtie.

But of course I had to say ‘yes’ to whatever Yuna suggested. After all, she was the one who gave me a partner for this evening and so it was simple courtesy for me to do exactly just that. I could see that she just wanted to help and even hooked me up with a tailor that was her family’s personal friend. I was even able to get a large discount because of that.

Anyway going back, since I was the one of the first people who arrived to the place, I was able to give myself the privilege of sitting down on one of the comfortable couches in the lobby while I watched the arriving students. The first batches of people were mostly seniors and I could only assume that they arrived earlier than usual to attend to the final preparations for the night.

However, since the event was a grand one, there are students that really pushed the ‘rich-guy’ title to the limit. I could recognize some of my upperclassmen arriving in rich European sports cars, some of which I don’t even recognize nor even pronounce the make or the model. I wasn’t even aware that some of the students enrolled in JYPEHS had that kind of wealth with them, but I can’t really blame them for going all in tonight. They were privileged to put that in the table and it also contributed to the ‘wealthy’ feel of the place anyway.

After all, this is such an anticipated event and adding a little effort to something that only happens once a year is borderline understandable. Besides, they’re also seniors and this is their final Ball as students of JYPEHS so I could definitely see why they would go all out.

I won’t deny that it’s rather pressuring, though. They even fetched their dates and I’m here all by myself waiting for her to arrive. Should I have gone for her?

I’m not sure if that’s a senior thing or I’m just really dense.

Little by little, a lot of my batch mates, first-years, and eventually a lot more of my upperclassmen arrived and before I knew the lobby was filled with men wearing suits and girls in eye-popping coloured dresses. It was even hard to recognize anyone at this point as everyone else looked really nice and pretty.

How come that an hour already passed and yet I still could not find anyone that I personally know?

Just as I was looking for a familiar face, there was a sudden brief commotion from the multitude of by-standees on the lobby door. With how much people stood cramped and scattered all over, I could not see what was going on outside. It was only when the thick flock of suits and dresses dispersed by themselves and cleared a path for whoever just arrived. There were gasps and flashes from the small walkway up to the lobby like a batch of celebrities just exited from the large white van parked on the hotel’s façade. I managed to find a good place and squeezed myself to get enough space to see who the new people were.

I somehow anticipated the identity of the arrivals the moment I peered through the flock of people as there is only one group of people in JYPEHS that is capable of drawing a reaction similar to that: it was none other than the resident cheering squad TWICE all dressed in luxurious and colourful gowns that complemented the nature of the entire hotel.

The crowd of students literally paved a way for them and it felt like they were welcomed in a literal red-carpet walk. TWICE showcased their amazing visuals and charm that they were all known for, each of them walking on the red floor like they owned it. For a moment I was frozen, basking in the glory of my seniors that graced and blessed the path to the Grand Ball with their steps. It felt like their arrival jumpstarted the mood for the entire event.

As the nine of them walked students silently cheered as we all watched them walk in pairs. The squad of girls were led by the two eldest members, Jeongyeon and Nayeon-noona with their arms wrapped around the other like they took each other as a date for the Ball. They were then followed by Sana and Dahyun-noona, Mina and Chaeyoung, Momo and Tzuyu and finally Jihyo-noona walked on the back acting like a mother watching over her children. Each of them individually smiled and waved on the waiting crowd as we all gasped in awe. For a brief moment, however, just as Mina and Chaeyoung-noona passed my position I saw Momo-noona’s gaze briefly turn towards my direction. The moment that our eyes met, she immediately recognized me as her face lit up, just in time as she gave me a heartfelt smile before she eventually passed me and disappeared in the corner with the rest of her members.

That felt strangely flattering. I can’t believe she recognized me even if I just had a brief visit to the Dance Club once.

Another series of gasps were heard from the crowd once again, this time turning their attention towards a large red van parked on the outside drop-off. Its doors slid open, and we were immediately greeted by the sight of the school principal, Ms Jessica Avarice, quickly recognizable even without her trademark thick-rimmed glasses worn on her youthful face and trading her usual office blouse for a shining bright-green dress that had a matching hat. The students who were waiting for her greeted the young principal with cheers as she walked on the carpet.

However, before Ms Jessica could even pass where I was standing, I felt a soft vibration from my left pocket where my phone was. I immediately excused myself from all the people around me, trying to wade through the thick crowd and find a space to check the message. I finally reached the end of the flock and fished my phone the moment that I reached the nearby post, making quick work of the security pattern and opening the message that I just received:

I’m here oppa. I’m on the front of the hotel.

I’ll just wait for you here; there’s no room to wade through the entrance because there’s a lot of people. I don’t want to ruin my dress.

I guess that’s it. Duty’s here because she already called me.

My date for the evening is finally here.

---

Y/N heavily fought his way towards the front of the hotel, tearing through mobs of people who were now welcoming the arrival of the special persons and staff of JYPEHS, typically the directors and special alumni. There were a lot of balloon dresses and brightly colored suits that stood in his way as he carefully wedged between them all. It was perhaps a good timing that the resident school band, Day6, arrived just as he was waiting for a window to go out. The crowd followed the group of boys with a notable squeal and flash of lights giving Y/N ample time to exit through the main door and head to the welcoming façade of the night.

The front of hotel Marquis drastically changed from the time that Y/N first arrived perhaps just thirty minutes ago. As the stars of the night finally loomed the evening atmosphere, hotel Marquis’ shed its evening beauty as the façade was lit with dainty lights oriented in intricate spirals, bringing the already expensive feel of the place to a whole new level quite unexpected from first glance. Y/N walked down the small flight of stairs, gazing from left to right in search of a familiar face that he’d immediately recognize. First years were scattered all over the entrance as they stood in the aftermath of Day6’s arrival while the welcoming drop-off point up front were still occupied with a lot of cars pending to drop their respective students. However, due to the enormous queue of people he still could not find the person that he was looking for. It also does not help that he had no detail or idea what she was wearing whatsoever.

I thought she’s up front. It’s hard to see people when they’re all cramped together like this.

He then felt a soft tap on his left shoulder followed by the voice of a familiar girl whom he expected to see at that moment.

“Hey, oppa; you’re searching way too far and yet I’m just here.”

Upon hearing the voice and immediately turned to face her. Shin Yuna stood opposite him with a beaming smile on her extremely beautiful face. She was wearing a black, tube dress that was decorated with beads; one end of it stretched low and covered up until her left knee with her arms and ears wearing ornate, golden jewellery. Her hair was tied in a neat ponytail that complemented the rest of her imposing presence, and even the minimal amount of make-up on her face was more than enough to emphasize her ethereal beauty for Y/N. He may have paused himself for a bit, basking in the moment as he was in quite a state of shock standing there in front of Ryujin’s sister. A part of him could not even believe that the beautiful face standing opposite him; the very person who was often called as the next Yeji was also the same person who was his date for this year’s Grand Ball.

The most unbelievable fact about it was that it was Yuna who even volunteered for the spot to be Y/N’s partner.

“Oh my Yuna, you look amazing,” he said without saying a word, obviously taken away by Yuna’s natural, breath-taking visuals. “You’re … wow. I’m speechless. You really prepared well for this night. You look spectacular.”

“Yah, it’s too early for compliments, oppa,” Yuna replied, showing a slight sign of blushing on her face. “You have no idea how hard it was for me to pull-off this get up. I almost had to return the dress because I thought I ordered the size wrong.”

“Well, regardless, you still look splendid. I would lie if I’d say that I wasn’t blown away. It’s hard to think that I’m your date for tonight, you know. Being Shin Yuna you could easily have gotten anybody else from your year.”

“Hey, don’t be too hard on yourself. You actually look pretty dashing! I told you that the emerald suit was a good call. Besides, I really wanted to be your partner for this evening and I never considered anyone else. There’s no other guy in campus that I’m comfortable spending my first Grand Ball with rather than you, oppa. I figured I also have to dance you at some point so might as well make you my first.”

To Y/N’s surprise, Yuna leaned near his ear and whispered.

“This is a little secret between us, but unnie actually wanted me to go with you as well. She figured that if you don’t have a date with someone then I should take over.”

She then supplied him with a smile followed by quick wink.

“What do you mean, Yuna?”

“Exactly what I said, oppa; shall we go?”

“Wait, you’re alone? Ryujin’s not attending the Ball?”

Yuna pouted for a brief moment before finally speaking again.

“Until the last minute, Ryujin-unnie’s still hadn’t made up her mind if she’ll be going or not. I kept on persuading her, insisting that I don’t want to attend my first JYPEHS Ball without my own sister, but she still seemed to be really undecided. I left the house with her still wearing house clothes and no make-up on.”

“Is there a chance that she’s coming here? I… well I want her to attend the ball. I don’t want to ruin her annual experience just because she got into a fight with me… I knew it, Yuna. I should’ve went out of my way and apologized to her even before this day came. If she won’t attend here, I don’t think my conscience would ever forgive me.”

Yuna shook her head. “Oh no, it’s not actually because she doesn’t want to see you here, oppa. It’s not like she blatantly refused to go just because of that. Keep in mind that she said that she’s unsure; knowing unnie there’s a slight chance that you might see her later because if she’s not interested on going, she would just say ‘no’ right away. She just asked me to leave ahead of her because she wants to think about things for herself quietly. I can tell you, oppa, if Ryujin-unnie doesn’t show up on the entrance parade then you can believe my words that she’s not attending.”

Y/N silently nodded and transferred his gaze on the ground.

“Yah, oppa, cheer up! We still have a long night! Besides, it’s not like you don’t have someone to dance with. I’m here! I even swung in for you, you know, so let’s make everything worth it!”

“You’re right. I should just trust whatever Ryujin’s decision would be. I’m sorry for spacing out. You look really beautiful, Yuna. Let’s go?”

Y/N then moved beside her and offered his arm, of which Yuna immediately took. The pair of them began to walk towards the entrance of the hall right after the final batch of VIPs entered the hallway. Y/N could have sworn that as he and Yuna treaded the carpet towards the inside of the hotel and even amidst the bright flashing lights of the cameras and the lights greeting them as they walked, there were a couple of students who had their heads turned right towards their direction. He was quite unsure of the reason for that; whether they were surprised that such a famous student with a good reputation and a goddess-like visuals like Yuna would settle for a partner who’s the senior officer of the Art Club, or if they were looking at the literal height difference between both of them. Yuna, by no secret, is very tall for her age and almost at the same height as Y/N was. However, with the occasion she decided to wear high-heels that added more to her already impressive height and surpassing Y/N by a few inches.

But as they walked, Y/N could easily ignore the awkward image he projected inside his head as he felt like a celebrity for a moment. That must have been how TWICE felt when they walked the elegant, carpeted floor a few minutes ago all with the attention turned towards them. He felt like he wasn’t the closeted, socially-challenged kid from the Art Club and now more than just Shin Yuna’s partner for the evening. It was for the first time that he felt like people were actually interested in him, and that was even too much to bear for a person like Y/N.

“Are you okay oppa?” Yuna asked after they finished walking the large crowd and continued to the stairs heading down the Diamond hall. “You’re pale and even shaking for a bit. You’re even sweating bucket loads.”

“W-well, I am shaking for a bit, yeah,” he said as his breath hitched slightly. “I’m not used to walking in front of a large crowd like that. It’s too unnatural for me. I could still feel their gaze stinging me at the back of my neck.”

“Oh, I’m sorry about that. I just thought that it would be faster for us to go in the middle rather than walk our way through the mob of students. With how big and balloon-like some of the dresses were, I don’t want to ruin it by walking through them.”

“Don’t worry about it, Yuna. It’s not like I’m traumatized or anything; it’s actually not that much of a big deal. It’s just… let’s just say that it’s a whole new experience for me. It’s amazing.”

Yuna giggled. “You’re so cute, oppa. Let’s go ahead. I think the walk is starting.”

“Is it weird that that’s coming from me?”

“A little bit, yeah. I always remembered you to be really vocal when you’re with me and unnie so it’s kinda off and hard to believe, but I guess we all have our firsts now, right?”

Y/N merely grinned in return as Yuna gave him a reassuring gaze. Soon, the pair of them joined the queue of students that stood on the open space in front of the elevator just outside the main event hall. At that point, Yuna and Y/N basked in awe as they finally saw the fruits of the Art Club’s labour; all the lobby’s corners were decorated with intricate arcs and spirals each individually made and painted by the members of their club. The whole entrance had that equally elegant feel to it because of the carpet and the ornaments, and as they tread further the line Y/N was finally able to see how he looked next to Yuna on the large mirror placed before the entrance.

To him, Yuna’s already drop-dead gorgeous without even trying too hard and so his concern was more on how he looked. A part of him wanted to make sure that he looked the part and worthy enough to be standing next to Shin Yuna as her partner for the evening.

“Was it like this last year, oppa?” Yuna asked as they waited. Y/N, on the other hand, was taken aback at the sudden introduction of a question. He was quite busy roaming his thoughts elsewhere just as Yuna spoke amidst the murmurs of the crowd.

“I really can’t remember. I was so tense last year that I was shaking at the entrance; so tense that I wanted to go home because of how small and inferior I felt compared to everyone, but then Ryujin came and she kinda boosted my confidence for the rest of the evening.”

Yuna nodded as she was quite unsure how or what to reply to Y/N’s statement. She surely shook him off of his brief thought, but she saw in his eyes while he recalled last year’s Ball with her sister. Y/N told the short story with a glint in his eyes; it felt like an invisible sorrow as it hit him how drastically different his current status was compared to last year.

“I’ll just be the one to write our names oppa,” Yuna volunteered the moment that both of them stood on the table for the registration and attendance. “I’m nearer so please wait for me here.”

“Thank you,” Y/N beckoned as he walked a few steps back to get out of the line.

From where he stood, he could already see through the glass doors of the hotel’s diamond hall how spacious the hall was. The red carpet that began on the entrance of the hotel stretched far towards the stairs and into the grand hall, right smack on the centre of the establishment. Decorated round tables and chairs lined either sides of the carpet, covered with white sheets that went really well with the red carpet, golden décor, and a mix of black and grey curtains that stretched across the whole place right towards the well-lit stage.  The entire hallway looked a lot different from when it was first shown to the Art Club, and surely a lot of his seniors really did an amazing work of decorating the place in conjunction with the hotel’s simplistic yet expensive aesthetic. There was a sort of regal vibe to the whole place judging just by the colours presented. It felt way more fitting rather than the previous theme of making it mafia-like.

Once again, as Y/N was busy appreciating the whole aesthetic of the place he was distracted by a familiar face he never saw again for quite a long while. He thought that he might have seen things wrong, but as the guy who just entered the glass doors of the hall lined up for the parading queue and turned back towards the person behind him to speak, he was able to instantly recognize Lee Chanyoung amidst the crowd, dressed all in black suit, tie and shirt with his lengthy hair held in a tight slicked back.

Wait, Chanyoung’s here? He thought to himself with a visible look of confusion in his face. I thought I never saw him again after Ryujin broke his nose. I don’t think he went back to school again after that. It’s interesting to see him tonight after all those months.

I wonder what happened to him.

“I’m done, oppa,” Yuna’s voice said amidst the murmur of the crowd of anticipating students. “Sorry that it took long; my hands seem to have forgotten how to write again and I’m trembling because of the atmosphere.”

“Do you feel cold, Yuna?”

“Oh no, it’s not that. I’m totally fine. Maybe it’s just the thought of me being in such an elegant place never really sank in until now. Shall we, oppa?”

Y/N held his arm out once again of which Yuna casually with enthusiasm just before the pair of them resumed the trail and joined the queue of waiting students on the spacious waiting room just beside the entrance arc of the main hall. TWICE has already taken their seats up front as they were the first batch of students who registered themselves for the night. After all, the nine of them always did everything together and it would appear as if they would do the same thing that they did last year: walking the red carpet parade paired with each other and Jihyo ending up walking with the school principal and board director, Ms Jessica Avarice. It was an honourable privilege that only the most qualified students are normally asked for.

“Hello, Shin Yuna?” a first year dressed in bright yellow gown with her black hair adorned in small curls that had the tips colored purple. “Excuse me, but may I speak to you for a moment?”

“Oh, sure thing; what is it about?” Yuna replied as she looked back towards the girl while Y/N sat curious beside her.

“Ummm, the program’s formally starting in a few minutes and we’re giving the schedules for the parade. The year-level representatives would be walking first after the VIPs and before the rest of the students. However, since Ms Jessica is partnered with the third-year representative, Jihyo-noona and Yeji-unnie being the MC for this event, you and your partner would be going in first before everyone else. Please tell your partner that both of you should be ready.”

Wait, what?

“Okay, I will tell him of that. Thank you so much!”

The girl nodded. “Please be on the starting line. We’re starting in five minutes. We’ll be waiting for you.”

“You heard that oppa?” Yuna said the moment that the girl was out of earshot. “We need to be ready. We’re starting the party off for everyone! How interesting is that?”

“Wait, I’m confused, Yuna. I didn’t quite get the bit with Yeji.”

“Apparently she’s going to be the MC and so she’ll walk on the event last. It’s not like we didn’t really expect it; she’s the best candidate for that position. So, Jihyo-unnie would be with our loving principal and so it’s just you and me.”

“Do I really need to go with you?”

Yuna smiled and then giggled before pinching Y/N’s cheeks.

“Of course you are! You’re my partner so you have to walk with me! You’re already teasing me and we haven’t even started yet.”

Y/N opened his mouth to protest but then Yuna immediately stood up and pulled him by his hand; the pair of them now walking towards the queue of VIPS just as the lights dimmed and the music turned into a whole lot solemn.

And so the JYPEHS annual Grand Ball began.

---

I may have spaced out a bit because of everything that was happening. Things are just too much too take in right in the middle of the event. One moment I was seated on the couch waiting for Yuna and appreciating the elegant place for what it is, and now I’m partnered with her with both of us standing behind the pair of Ms Jessica and Jihyo-noona waiting to kick-start the rest of the entire evening.

That’s way too much for a person who stays all day inside the Art Club’s room. I think I could say that I’ve gone a long way now.

My heart was racing as Yuna and I watched the board members and teachers walk around the procession carpet and I could feel her equally shivering as she held on to my hand. We were both speechless for a moment, silently taking in the entire atmosphere of the place. However, there was a tremendous amount of pressure from where I stood. After all, there were a lot of seniors in my back and I’m literally leading them on the Grand Ball that was supposedly for them. Maybe it was just me who’s thinking too much of the situation and I’m feeling it as a product of my emotions but still…

I’m thankful though. I never thought that I could ever feel like this and it was possible because of Yuna.

I’m even in front of TWICE and Day6! How crazy is that?

Anyway, one by one the teachers in front of us finally made their walk around and now it was time for me and Yuna to open the entire floor for the students. Nervous was quite an understatement as I was practically crying my heart out because of the intensity of the situation. I could feel the look of the people behind me and the sensation was prickling me on my neck. I froze for a moment there when we were about to walk and Yuna was the first one to actually lead me there. It was for a brief portion of that nerve-wracking procession that Yuna was the one who was leading me around but after I finally got hold of myself I started to walk with her and not after her. It really did not help that my knees were shaking for what they’re worth. That took a while and for the rest of that entrance my head went blank until we eventually reached the place of our table. I then pulled the seat for Yuna to seat on and immediately parked my butt on the seat next to her.

“Oh my god, oppa,” Yuna began as her face was frozen with a wide and clearly uncontrollable smile. “Oh my, that felt amazing! I never thought that it was that magical! I guess being first actually worked for me. How was it for you, oppa?”

“Well, I guess it was way crazier than last year that’s for sure. I never expected it to be this … boom, you know? I could feel a lot of eyes on my back and I became super conscious that I’m afraid I’ll just trip.”

“You did really well, oppa!”

“Hey, for a moment there I felt like you were dragging me and I apologize for that. I was so nervous my feet were like jelly and I could not move.”

“Really…? I didn’t really feel a thing! Come on now, let’s watch the other students. They’re all so pretty!”

Come on, Yuna I’m pretty sure you felt that. I was literally hesitant to walk because I was so darn nervous. I do hope I didn’t look stupid from the back because that would really be embarrassing.

I appreciate that she’s keeping it to herself though. That’s really thoughtful of her.

I tried to keep my highly intense state of emotions at bay by appreciating the processions of the seniors that followed us. I could easily recognize the rest of the TWICE members as they walked side-by-side, partnered with their respective members exactly how I saw enter the hotel. Day6, however, were partnered with the first-years I recognize were from the Music Club as well. The line of TWICE and Day6 felt like they literally chose partners who were in their circle and to me it felt really interesting and cute at the same time. But then again, I think I could say the same thing because Yuna and I are on the same club. I’ll just think of it that way or whatever.

Yuna and I were pretty much occupied with the walking students as we were both frozen on the procession route. It was nice that our seat and table were actually positioned on one of the prettiest spots in the hall. We were seated on the opposite side overlooking the red carpet too because we don’t have to crane our heads around just to check the people who are arriving.

Well, for the most part the rest of the tables slowly began to be filled. Yuna and I were mostly tabled with fellow first-years as well. I felt like I was the only one in my year in that table and Yuna seemed to be pretty close with them being the year-rep. The only person I was able to recognize was the first year who tried for the Art Club but never really pushed through.

I turned my attention back to the procession as the rest of the first years resumed their carpet walk, and it was then that I felt my heart jump on my ribcage as I saw the person I quite wanted to see all night but then my surprise literally doubled the moment I saw the entire thing.

Lee Chaeryeong stood on the queue line waiting for the cue to walk. I must say that she looked really amazing with her dark brown hair held down, and her already radiating complexion glowed in the dark with the bright red dress that she was wearing; emphasized with her exposed shoulders and perfectly complementing jewellery.

However, as I was still recovering from my surprise upon seeing Chaeryeong, the moment that my eyes shifted to her partner I was just blown away because I didn’t expect her to be with him.

Chaeryeong was partnered with Lee Chanyoung.

I don’t know that they even knew each other to be honest, and I’m really confused as to how they ended up being partners with each other. I never really saw Chanyoung for the rest of the school year and so that added to the mystery with regards to how they were acquainted.

So, this night just got a whole lot more interesting.

Despite really getting rattled, Chaeryeong’s natural charm really got me as he and Chanyoung walked around the carpeted floor. I felt my eyes glued to her as I was drawn to her beauty, mesmerized with how her bright red dress contributed to the glowing skin I knew she had. She was very beautiful and I think I could not find the words to describe how she looked. It was that impactful.

“Oh my god,” I heard Yuna’s voice say from beside me. “She came! She came here oppa!”

“I know right. I really didn’t expect it,” I told her without shifting my eyes from Chae.

“She’s so pretty! She looks so good in white!”

“White…?”

Wait…

I turned my gaze to Yuna only to find that she was looking at someone else entirely.

Oh, I thought she was looking at Chae as well, and with that I turned my eyes to where she was looking at. It took me a while to process what took her by surprise that much until I saw what she was looking at and my mouth fell open.

Oh my god…

At the end of the line, there she stood.

Shin Ryujin.

If this was in normal conditions I would have easily been distracted by Yeji and her silver dress, but Ryujin was way too outstanding for me to not recognize. She was wearing a long, white off-shoulder dress complemented with traces of silver jewellery on her neck, wrist, and ears. Her usual short and straight-cut black hair has notable been longer this evening and dyed blond with small curls near the end and it definitely suited her entire get-up. She also was wearing a minimal amount of make-up to the point that I could barely even tell, but it’s there and it fits her so perfectly.

Oh my god… I’m literally blown away by her appearance. I never saw Ryujin dress so feminine like this. Last year, when we were partners, she wore white pants and blazers which I thought would be the type of her get-up for this evening. I never thought that she’s going to wear something like that because it never was her style.

I’m speechless. Ryujin is so beautiful.

My eyes were permanently glued to her all throughout the procession. It didn’t even occur to me that she was actually partnered with Yeji for the walk as my attention was fully committed to her. I don’t know what has gotten into me but I just could not take my eyes off of her. Yuna may have even been talking in the background all those times that I had my eyes glued unto her, but there was nothing else that I saw that moment. There was no one else but me and Ryujin as I’m lost in my own world.

I’m pretty sure that to some of the other people who knew Ryujin were shocked at her appearance as well. I’m willing to bet that I’m not the only one who’s feeling that. I could already see some of the heads turning towards her as she walked around. I dearly wanted to talk to her and complement her with how much effort she brought to her appearance but then….

I just remembered that we weren’t talking.

Now this sucks.

“Y/N-oppa…!” I heard Yuna’s voice finally as Ryujin went to her table with Yeji walking up towards the stage to meet her fellow MC.

“Yeah, I saw her, Yuna… I’m…”

“Yah, I’ve been talking non-stop but you seemed to be lost in your own world!”

“Sorry I’m just… I’m so blown away.”

“Unnie’s so pretty! I knew how she would look like but I never saw the entire thing until now! She’s so gorgeous!”

“Yeah, she is.”

I’m so lost. What’s going on?

I just realized how lost I am upon seeing Ryujin in an attire like that. It felt like she was an entirely different person and I can’t seem to comprehend what just transpired. My head was still held in a limbo for so long that I did not even mind what was going on that moment. The former fortune of having our table and seat position is now biting me back; Yuna and I are positioned so conveniently that I could easily see Ryujin seated on the other side of the hallway.

Oh my god

My mind was still held in limbo after what I had just witnessed, and while Yuna was literally fangirling over how good her sister looked and going as far as messaging her through the phone I was merely staring at the stage as the program began. I could not even register the fact that the fellow first-years on my table were complimenting how good-looking Yeji was on her high-ponytail and wore a silver mermaid dress that revealed her back and for the night. I guess Ryujin simply had that shock factor with her that I was still feeling all the aftershocks from that. I just could not move on.

And now, I have another problem to face. I told myself I would want to talk to Ryujin this evening as I feel like I would have the least awkward reason to approach her. The way things played out in my head was if she’s going to attend the prom them I’ll approach her while everyone else is dancing and talk to her, but now that I could now see her and in that amazing get-up that plan turned out to be a lot harder than I thought. Now, I’m stuck in a rock and a hard place; quite clueless what else I should do going forward.

I would talk to her, that’s for sure. It’s just the ‘how’ part that’s getting to me.

I need to do that before the clock strikes at midnight otherwise I would waste everything that Yuna did for both of us. I got to make this count.

The fact that my heart was beating heavily against my chest just by thinking of it is already a testament to how pressured am I to do it.

---

The Grand Ball’s program commenced as it was supposed to with all the events set in motion. The seniors did a heartfelt tribute to the faculty members, quite a beautiful one as the mix of vocals from the members of TWICE as well as the band prowess of Day6 provided a thrilling sight to see for the evening. Yeji was quite enjoying herself on stage with the natural charisma she had being the night’s MC opposite another second-year that Y/N only recognized to be the ace who was running the Literature Club. Most of the intermission for the first half of the night were consisted mostly of serenades, dance numbers (lead mostly by TWICE and their special dance number that was very special), and a cute storytelling that involved the fictional future of the seniors told in a really hilarious manner.

Y/N, however, sat in his place still quite shook. If it was not for Yuna’s rather enthusiastic take on everything being shown to them both he would easily have lost his attention to Ryujin. Despite the production of the school investing a lot on blinking lighting effects and small fume emitters to emphasize the performances on and off-stage, his head was still glued on the spot where Ryujin was seated. She was apparently surrounded by a mix of the members of the Dance Club and her other Varsity members including Coach Sunmi, who attended the prom as a visitor while she flexed her impressive figure on a tight blue mermaid dress similar to Yeji’s. The program and the performances went on for quite a while and Y/N’s divided attention only became focused when he realized that the three ladies that distracted him a while back, Yeji, Chaeryeong, and even Ryujin, disappeared after a short ballad song from the duo of first-year singers.

“Wait, where did Yeji go?” Y/N asked towards Yuna as she was the more attentive of the both of them.

“I think she’s going to perform. Even unnie’s gone, so I think this is the performance of the Dance Club.”

Oh god I’m going to cry…

Right on cue, after the sweet ballad concluded and Yeji’s co-MC for the evening gave a brief introduction for the Dance Club, the lights suddenly went out followed by a few gasps and squeals from the crowd. The diamond hall of Hotel Marquis went pitch-black with only the brief silhouettes showing their outlines on the stage in in front of the open space near the table of Y/N and Yuna. For a brief moment there was a silence of mystery echoing about the night air; everyone else was anticipating what was going on with all the people rushing to their respective positions concealed within the shadows.

There was a sudden boom from the speakers, shocking all of the onlookers with the sudden boost of sound and inevitable earning a squeal from the crowd. In turn, the spotlights flashed on the stage and the in front only to reveal a group of people all dressed in a similar fashion: a matching black shirt and dancing pants, white sneakers, black cap, and a black bandana covering their faces as they all were placed in position.

Despite being entirely shrouded in black clothing, Y/N could easily spot Ryujin amidst the multitude of dancers on the floor. After all, she was the shortest compared to all of them and she was right smack in the middle of the V formation of the dancers, also quite revealed with the curls of her hair that drooped down from the black cap. She was then notable positioned beside Yeji and Chaeryeong as well and the three of them were the literal centre of the entire formation.

“Unnie’s there, oppa, I just saw her!” Yuna beckoned from beside him.

Y/N, however, was too busy fixated on the performers to even mind Yuna’s talking. The song began and the quick beat of hip-hop and EDM blared through the event’s speakers followed by the seemingly inhuman synchronization of the dancers. Ryujin swayed her body and her shoulders in wild conjunction with the beat, gracefully grazing the dance floor with her moves while Y/N remained fixated. He had seen her dance a couple of times and he admittedly had always been a fan when she does showcase her talent, but there was something fundamentally different from this night. Ryujin’s sheer aura felt like she wanted to be seen; it felt like her moves were so deadly and precise that she definitely was using her position as the centre of the group.

He barely even noticed that the TWICE members Momo and Mina performing with them, which came as unusual to him considering he was quite acquainted to them from the brief meeting to the club.

Like before, there was no TWICE, no Yeji, no Yuna, no Chaeryeong, and perhaps even the hall. Y/N was duly fixed on one person and one person only that very moment: Shin Ryujin.

The dance intermission lasted for about six to seven minutes but to him it was more than that. Certainly so, there was an invisible trance that locked him with Ryujin’s performance and glued his attention to her over all. It may have been due to the fact that he somehow missed seeing Ryujin in her natural habitat and showcasing the world how deadly talented she is, or because he had longed to see her in general that added to his attentiveness to her performance; so much that he dearly ignored the people beside her: Momo, Mina, Yeji, and unexpectedly even Chaeryeong.

It may have been that, or there’s something else entirely.

The program resumed after the conclusion of the intermission dance number by the Dance Club and yet Y/N and Yuna, like everyone else, the rest of the event was still in shock with such a powerful performance. Yuna went on to fan girl over her sister and remarked to Y/N how mesmerized she was with the performance, and yet he could not bring the same level of enthusiasm that she had about Ryujin. The aftermath of the intermission latched over to Y/N and rattled his entire psyche just as the Grand Ball resumed.

There wasn’t much that happened after that. Aside from a couple of announcements here and there and the Dance Club members who came back all changed and dressed again, the announcement of the night’s dinner finally came way much to everyone’s delight. All it took was a short queue from Yeji and her fellow MC before the room was filled with soft, tantalizing violin sounds echoing across the carpeted hall just as the doors from the back end opened with a bang. It was then followed by a long queue of waiters and waitresses dressed equally as fancy-formal as they could get, each holding a platter of dishes that they would serve to the tables individually.

The round table was then filled with tons of plates filled with an assortment of food ranging from kimchijeon to grilled pork belly and spicy radish salad. Nevertheless, it was quite an amount of serving offered to them and it definitely felt like a small feast while still retaining the sense of elegance and royalty because of all the plating.

Y/N, being the sole second-year seated on a table filled with freshmen, volunteered to act like the ‘father’ of the group, deeming it to be time to finally break the ice within the group and hopefully divert his attention from the shocking performance he saw previously. He served the younger students with different dishes enthusiastically, beckoning them to not be shy and eat how much they would wish to do so. Yuna, on the other hand, was seemingly surprised by the sudden movement of her sister’s bestfriend but she still helped nonetheless. Thanks to that, they finished serving everyone else faster than the other tables and immediately proceeded to eat after saying a brief grace.

“Hey, did you guys know that after we’re eating we’re going to go dancing?” Yuna opened towards the table after the majority of them spent the first few minutes occupied with the food. “I mean, we’re literally dancing on the floor and feeling the event for what it is. It’s exciting, right?”

“I’m kinda nervous,” a girl from the other side expressed. “I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Don’t worry about that. I know how you’re feeling and that’s normal, but once you get on the floor everything would just flow like it would. Just relax,” Y/N reassured the younger student. “Next thing you know you’re already having fun, actually.”

“Hyung,” a male freshman asked from his right hand side. “Are you really allowed to dance anyone, even if it’s someone who’s in a higher year than you?”

“Of course; you could even dance a teacher if you really wanted to do it. One thing though before you head dancing your crushes and your girlfriends make sure that you’re going to take your partner first on the floor. It’s not really explicitly stated that you should do that, but even if you hate your partner you still should do it as a sign of courtesy and to get the spirit of the event going. It’s some sort of an unwritten rule so you better do it.”

The first year that asked a question from Y/N exchanged glances with his partner and they both immediately blushed.

“Oh, so you’re going to dance me first, oppa?” Yuna whispered towards him after leaning in towards his ear. “You’re going to dance me before anyone else?”

“Of course I would, Yuna. I just told the dude what he should do and what better way to show it than actually do it.”

Yuna smiled and giggled.

“Then, for the first time ever and on my first Grand Ball in JYPEHS, you’re going to be my first dance. You’re going to be my first dance ever!”

Wait, didn’t she volunteer to be my partner specifically for that reason?

“Oh… I’m honoured then, Yuna. Thank you so much.”

“Tell me, oppa, you’re partnered with unnie last year right? So does that mean that you’re her first dance as well?”

“Uhh…”

“Wait, does that mean she’s your first dance as well?”

Oh my god

“Yuna, ummmm… maybe we should turn our attention to the food and the people around us. I don’t think it’s nice to go whispering around when there are people literally watching us.”

She giggled once more.

“Okay then, have it your way. But you better give the answer later when we’re on the floor, oppa.”

Oh god

---

I wasn’t even able to reply to Yuna’s statement as I was stuck in a moment of disarray because of her. Although, I have to admit that she was right: one year ago when both Ryujin and I were freshmen and experiencing our first Grand Ball together, she was my partner and of course that would automatically make her the first girl that I ever shared a dance with. But then again, there weren’t that much of people I danced with last year, or maybe I just could not remember. Everything was a blur in my memory aside from Ryujin being my first and last dance for that evening. I may be wrong here, but I guess it’s safe to say that I was her first and last as well.

This year might be different, though. I would even consider myself lucky if ever I get the chance to dance with Shin Ryujin in this current situation.

The dinner commenced as it should and it was duly filled with lively conversations from the first-years. I felt like I was a war veteran relaying my past experiences to rookies with the way I’m giving advice to these anxious first years. They bombarded me questions with regards to the dance and the programs after that, including how it feels to be a second year in the prestigious school. I would say though that it was interesting to watch them be that enthusiastic towards a significant moment like this one; even I was a bit off last year as I do not see the point for these kinds of events. That continued for a good while through the series of soft songs that serenaded the entire crowd. If anything aside from making the entire Diamond Hall of Hotel Marquis swoon with the amazing voices, the performances helped us forget that time was passing by and that the food we ate a while back slowly got digested as they sang. I could barely even feel that I ate a lot because of the singing. Truly enough, JYPEHS is full of talents that even I didn’t know existed.

The soft serenade coming from the onstage singers continued for quite a while and admittedly we were all taken away by the familiar songs that we jammed to. We were already beginning to sing along the soft rhythm when we were cut short by a short announcement by Yeji and her fellow MC. Apparently, it was actually a clever disguise to mask the transition of the program to one of the most anticipated events of the entire night: the dance. The hall was filled with gasps as the two MCs descended from the stage down towards the space of the hallway, just near where our table was situated on. With one swift motion, the floor was formally opened just as the lights dimmed, adding more emotion to the atmosphere we were currently experiencing as if it was not yet enough.

Just like that, the dance floor was suddenly flooded with the first batch of seniors who were brave enough to show everyone how a Grand Ball should be opened. They immediately ran with their partners towards the floor and joined Yeji and her fellow MC in jump-starting the main event. Soon enough, couple of second and first-years joined in the fray and the next thing I saw was the dance floor was teeming with suits, gowns and dresses dancing in conjunction with the sweet, emotional beat.

“Oh my, it’s starting already, oppa!” Yuna expressed from beside me as she noticed the commotion that happened almost within a matter of seconds. “Should we go and join in on them?”

“You know, Yuna, I’m supposed to be the one asking for your hand. I was just about to ask you and you got ahead of me.”

She smirked.

“Well, let’s get the formalities on then, oppa. Go and ask my hand for the floor,” she said before raising her palm.

With that, I raised my palm and looked at her with a sly grin in my face before proceeding to ask the words she wanted to hear. I can somehow understand where she’s coming from and so I’m playing along with her act; since this was her first Grand Ball ever, I think she want me to ask her the way I would if it so happened that we’re not this close. I personally think that in a way it was cute of her to do that.

“Shall we have this dance, Shin Yuna?”

I felt the eyes of the other members of the table turned towards us both, quite anticipating how I, as a second-year that they’re looking up to at the moment, would ask out his partner for the dance. I’m pretty sure some of them would move to copy it and so I wanted to plant a good impression. With that invitation, Yuna giggled as she possibly realized how cute and awkward the situation felt like because of her own insistence. However, she eventually placed her silky smooth palms on my upturned hand and gave me a wide smile. I then proceeded to nod towards her direction and prepare to fix my things before heading towards the dance floor, but just as I folded the napkin from my lap on the table, I felt Yuna tug me by the hand and ultimately yanked me from where we were seated. The next thing I knew I was following Yuna with our hands held together and her skipping her way towards the crowd of dancing students.

There was nothing else that I could see but the multitude of gowns, dresses, and suits in front of me and if it wasn’t for Yuna’s grip on my hand I would have easily lost her amidst the mob of people. It was only when she found a wide enough space not far from our own table did she finally stop to face me. I felt my eyes set on hers, and with Yuna’s perfect, round eyes, I could see a hint of excitement and anticipation mixed with concern and probably a bit of embarrassment. The way the she looked at me while we stood frozen in the middle of the dance floor felt like I was being stared at by a baby and she was nothing short of cute for doing so.

“Ummm… oppa, how are we supposed to do this?” she said without transferring her gaze and her hands from my own. “I never danced before so I have no idea how we’re supposed to be placed, you know. Should I place both my arms over your shoulders, oppa?”

I guess I could understand why she’s asking me this but I’m not really a fan of her idea. I’m not that comfortable putting both my hands on her waist even if I know we’re close, and maybe that’s because that was exactly the reason for that. However, I could say that that small unwritten rule of mine applied to every girl I danced since last year, including Ryujin.

I would say though, that maybe I’ll dance a girl with both my hands on her waist if we’re dating or something, but not Yuna…

“Oh, okay, so how about you hold my left hand with your right and you place your other hand over my shoulder so I could… yeah,” I was telling just as I demonstrated how I would like it to play out and in turn Yuna followed without question.

I felt myself shake for a bit as we stood there swaying in place with the pleasant, relaxing rhythm of the violin and saxophone. Yuna fell silent as well after that short exchange; perhaps she too got caught in the moment and felt the atmosphere for what it was supposed to be. Initially, I thought that I would be dancing awkwardly now that Yuna was the one partnered with me, but now that I’m on the floor with her now things became a lot clear to me: I was more awkward with her all this time because I had an issue with her sister. The music was there, the atmosphere, the rhythm, and with even the beautiful face of Shin Yuna opposite mine, I felt so strangely calm and collected.

Truly enough, with our mutual proximity I was able to appreciate Yuna’s natural beauty a bit further. I would daresay that had I not been this close with Yuna even with her being my best friend’s sister, I could see how difficult it was to not have a crush on her. However, I long placed that behind me. Precisely at that very moment, Shin Yuna felt like my younger sister too and I’m dancing opposite her like what an older brother should do. To me, it was very precious and our friendship flourished more than I ever thought it would.

“So… this is how it feels, huh?” Yuna spoke after a few minutes of us dancing on the floor. “I had no idea that it would be this magical. I feel like I’m in a fantasy, you know?”

“How exactly does fantasy feel like, Yuna?”

“You know when you watch those little princess dramas in TV oppa? I feel exactly like that. It feels amazing to have someone to dance you, and I’m more than happy that you ended up being my partner and my first dance for this night. I’m so thankful for that.”

“Hey, don’t sweat it,” I told her as I felt my ears burn hot with that. “I mean, you asked me to be your partner and I’m more than flattered that you actually did. It felt like an honour, to be completely honest.”

Yuna gave my shoulder a slight slap.

“Yah, it’s not like you’re someone that I don’t know, Y/N! I’ve know you ever since Ryujin-unnie kidnapped you to be her best friend! Come on now!”

“Sorry, I got really carried away. Hey, you became awfully serious too all of a sudden! If anything that shift in mood was your fault. You went all sentimental on me and that’s all I could do.”

Yuna giggled and boy was it amazing to see her smile up this close. As much as I really appreciate how beautiful she was, I remembered something similar that happened last year because of her body language.

It felt awfully familiar with Ryujin when we first had the dance. Of course, that was bound to happen. Apparently Yuna and Ryujin were sisters so in some shape or form there’s something similar between them, right?

“I just realized that we’re actually feeling the same thing right now, Yuna. This was the first time I feel like I experienced how the first Grand Ball should be, you know.”

“What do you mean by that? You didn’t feel this odd, magical feeling when you were with unnie last year?”

“My first experience was… let’s just say that Ryujin and I were tripping all the time. We were dancing each other, yeah, but most of the time we’re just laughing our faces off because we’re making fun of all the nervous couples in our year. You know how she is; she’s pretty savage when she’s at it especially when she’s paired with me. I…”

I felt my voice trailed off the moment that I realized that I was talking about Ryujin. In turn, my gaze subconsciously looked above Yuna’s shoulder as we were angled right where I could see the table where Ryujin was seated previously.

I wonder if someone actually asked to dance with her.

“Since you spoke about unnie, oppa,” Yuna began once again. “Is she your first dance last year?”

I nodded. “Yeah, and she was my last as well. I’m not sure if it’s the same thing for her.”

“Are you planning to dance her this evening?”

“I… well I do. I mean, it’s the perfect time to talk to each other right even with this loud music?”

Yuna nodded.

“I really wanted you to talk to her, oppa. I guess you can say that it was also another reason why I asked you to be my partner; so that I could throw some encouraging words when we’re dancing like this one. Aside from the fact that you’re the only person I am most comfortable being my partner this evening, I wanted to try and know of your plans for tonight. I know at some point you’re going to use the social event to get things settled with unnie, and so I hope to help in every way I could.”

She really wants us to get together again… I guess I could not blame her.

This situation must be really hard for her as well. I don’t want this to last longer than it already has.

“Yeah, I do too, Yuna. Everything I would say now would be an excuse, but I really want to take my chance the moment that it shows. I just have to be vigilant for that exact timing.”

Yuan nodded in response.

“I can see that, oppa. Just let me know when you need help.”

“I promise you that before this night ends, we’re going to back as friends again.”

Yuna fell silent for a moment and I was quite confused as to why. I thought that she did not hear me amidst the noise of the floor, but upon seeing her face it was clear that she was thinking about something else.

“Oppa, do you still remember everything that we talked about when we were at MIDZY café?”

“Of course… I remember every single one of it. That egg thing is so relevant that it’s hard to simply sweep that away. Why?”

What made that specific conversation relevant on a time like this?”

“Well, you do remember how you described your ideal girl to me, right? I trust that you know what to do with that information. I do hope that you get your emotions in check now that you have the perfect time, oppa. I trust that you could do that before this night ends as well.”

“What?”

“Yuna-ssi, is that you?” I heard Yeji’s voice amidst the soft swaying of bodies in tune with the alluring melody.

We both did not even realize that the MC for that night’s event was literally on our side now. Hwang Yeji shone in the darkness with her bright silver gown as she danced opposite the only member of Day6 that I had an interaction on, Jae-hyung.

“It is Yuna!” I heard Jae-hyung expressed from the dim lights. “Hey, can I dance you? I’ve been looking for you for ages and you’re the only one I haven’t danced yet among my friends from the first years!”

“Sure thing oppa,” Yuna replied in clear enthusiasm as I felt her grip on my arm loosen.

Wait…

“I’ll go dance your partner for you,” Yeji unexpectedly volunteered. “I actually know Y/N and I want to talk to him, too.”

Wait, what?

I froze for a moment amidst the already dim light of the dance floor, watching in disbelief how Yuna carefully let go of my grip from her and got replaced by Hwang Yeji. At that very moment that the entire partner-swapping has gone underway, I was all wide eyed and my heart was racing so heart inside my chest that I could not even think properly. My hands were trembling the moment that I received Yeji and it only got worse when she finally placed her beautiful arms over my shoulder. I could barely even breathe and actually think straight knowing that I have to place my hand on her waist as well. Needless to say, even though I managed to do it flawlessly, there was that sort of panic within upon my palms getting in contact with her mermaid dress and the small portion of skin exposed through the large opening on the dress’s back.

“Thank you so much, unnie!” Yuna said towards Yeji. “Please take care of Y/N oppa! I’ll get back to him later!”

“You got it!”

Yeji, Yuna and Jae-hyung exchanged bows and nods as the pairs finally resumed dancing. That only lasted for a moment until another couple got in between us and now Yuna and Jae-hyung were lost in the crowd, leaving me and Yeji with only each other to talk to.

Oh my god, how did I end up dancing Yeji out of nowhere?

I think I’m about to faint.

---

Yeji gave Y/N a very wide smile, an expression she was widely known for because of how contagious and addicting it was all while the pair of them began to sway along with the pleasant music. Y/N, on the other hand was barely even making himself stay as composed for what he could; there was still that huge amount of admiration for Yeji and her achievements including her over-all persona that he could not help but shake as he stood opposite her, quite overwhelmed by the sheer fact of him being able to dance opposite Yeji in the Grand Ball.

It was the one thing that he wanted last year when he first had the ball as a freshman and it was almost every boy’s dream to dance with their innocent crush once a while. It never really occurred to him that such think he viewed as very unlikely to happen was the very same thing he was experiencing right on that night and on that very moment.

“Hi, Y/N,” Yeji spoke as her body swayed. “How are you? Do you still remember me?”

“O-Of course I remember you, Yeji, come on… I’m fine. I’m just a bit nervous, that’s all.”

“Really…? How come you’re nervous? You look so splendid this evening, if I may say so myself. That suit looks really good on you! You and Yuna look pretty well together, you know.”

“T-thank you… I don’t know how to respond to compliments so… I’ll thank you again…”

Oh my god

She smirked.

“So, how’s your night going so far? Having many dances already?”

“Well, not yet. I mean, the dance floor just opened so I don’t think I had that much time in me. You’re just the second person I danced for this evening next to Yuna.”

“Oh right, silly me. Well then let me revise the question,” Y/N slowly listened to Yeji’s voice in the middle of the hypnotic rhythm of the background music, coupled with the dim flicker of the lights overhead. “Are you planning to dance a lot of girls this night?”

“Umm… I’m not really that much of a person to dance a lot of girls that I like to dance with… maybe a few people from the Art Club would be fine and … maybe just one?”

“Ooh, so there’s a person that you’d like to dance with? Is there a specific person that you want, like perhaps a crush maybe?”

Well it’s you, Y/N thought. I mean, I wanted to dance you since last year but now that we’re here it’s like one of the items in bucket list has been fulfilled.

“There is one but… but I’m too shy to even approach her in all these people… there’re a lot of people here and my chance of dancing and even talking to her are so slim. I can’t even bring myself to tell you who she is, honestly.”

“I can respect that. It’s kinda cute too, you know. I rarely see guys become shy around their crushes like you do. It’s kinda adorable, and I hope you don’t take that offensively.”

Did she just call me ‘cute’?

I could say that from my perspective I am not feeling cute. In fact, I feel like I’m about to collapse with everything.

Yeji, please…

“Don’t worry about it, Yeji. It’s fine. It’s not really offensive because it’s the truth, I guess.”

“I still remember the favour you did for the Dance Club when we last talked, you know. I figured I wanted to return that because it was so thoughtful of you, Y/N. I really appreciate that. I have an idea in mind that I think would help you in the girl you like to dance with.”

“Wait, no it’s fine Yeji! I just so happened to be available that time so I easily headed there without anything else. It’s nothing, really. You don’t need to do anything for me.”

“Oh no, I insist. Come on, I think it’s going to be fun as well. I want to help you dance the girl you like to dance with, so what we’re going to do is we’re going to dance around the floor and maybe if we so happened to end up next to her then maybe you can pat me or something.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary—“

“Don’t sweat it; it’s going to be really fun! Come on, let’s go around the floor and see where she is.”

She’s really insisting on this. I wonder why.

Does she perhaps know?

But then again I guess she has a hint. I mean, Ryujin and I were always stuck together no matter what happens. With both of us suddenly not talking I think it would be really obvious.

Plus, Yeji and Ryujin were on the same club so she may have picked up on things. In that regard, I won’t even be surprised if Yeji asked her at some point.

“Okay then…”

Yeji smiled very widely and proceeded to dance with Y/N on her arms, quite equally determined to help Y/N in his little skirmish. Little did Y/N know, Yeji picked up a hint with regards to them both; and seeing how two people who seemed to have been glued to each other suddenly not talk until recently it was easy to assume that something was going on. With Yeji being friends with Ryujin as well, she figured she wanted to help the pair of them talk even if by the smallest of chances.

With that premise in mind, it was quite obvious that Yeji was trying her best to wade through the mob of dancers that surrounded them. Restless numbers of people in dress and suits were pushing them in from all directions, but with her determination to actually find Ryujin’s location she really waded through the flock with ease. Y/N was still busy digesting everything that was being fed to him and for the majority of the journey travestying through the fellow students of JYPEHS his mind was in a blurry mess; quite lost in oblivion as he merely let Yeji take him wherever she went.

The year-representative’s efforts never really went to waste because after an four songs played and finished through the speakers, Yeji and Y/N finally found the location of Ryujin and she was occupied dancing with a boy Y/N recognized to be the first year whose ankle was broken during one of her practice games, only separated from their position by quite a few feet and a couple of people. While Y/N was quite thrilled upon seeing her and his heart leapt out of his chest by thinking of what to do next, Yeji literally jumped in her place as her grip with Y/N loosened.

“Ryujin’s there, Y/N,” Yeji whispered towards him. “You don’t need to tell me that it’s her that you’re pertaining to. It’s too obvious to not recognize. I know it’s her that you’re pertaining too.”

I knew it. Her actions were too specific. I knew she had to have known it.

“I… Yeji…”

“I actually know the guy he’s dancing with. He’s my board member for the year-level committee so the transition won’t be that hard. I’ll go and ask him for a swap so wait for me here. I want to surprise Ryujin with who I brought for her.”

“Yeji, wait—“

Before he could even make a move to possibly halt Yeji from her plan, the young Korean girl immediately threw herself towards the direction of Ryujin and left Y/N in the middle of the dance floor wondering the next things that he should do. That was the moment; that was the moment that he was preparing himself for the entire night and Yeji and Yuna literally made everything possible for him to do it. All he had to do was to not screw it up.

But as fate was kind to him, it also was very playful. The moment that he set eyes on Ryujin right when he was already mentally prepared to finally look at her in the eye, a tall student walked in front of him and blocked his clear view of his bestfriend. The man may have toppled and lost his balance for a moment, throwing Y/N off of his rhythm and swaying him back towards the dance floor and just like that he was back in a huge mess once again. He was lost in the middle of the dance floor with no one to dance with and a mind pushed back to where he was before.

There was a period of disarray between Y/N and the man, but the guy immediately apologized and helped him up before brushing his suit clean. Everything had a huge impact with Y/N and his fall admittedly hurt his arm. However, he did not want to make much of a deal with it as Ryujin was a few feet away from him. And so, he immediately thanked the guy for getting him back up and brushed the deal like it was nothing.

Just as he was trying to regain his composure and hopefully go back to Yeji’s direction, he felt a soft tap on the back of his shoulder. It was a strange, unfamiliar tap and he was sure that he did not know who the person was, and so he turned almost immediately.

“Y/N…? That’s you right?” one of TWICE’S members, Myoui Mina, asked through the commotion as he was dancing with her fellow senior. “What are you doing in the middle there? Don’t you have anyone to dance with?”

“Actually I have noona. I just lost her somewhere in the—“

“You’re standing in the middle of the crowd alone with a confused look on your face. It’s okay. Here, let me dance you.”

“Noona it’s not actually—“

The senior dancer tapped her partner and thanked him as she finally moved towards the distraught stature of Y/N before proceeding to wrap her arms around his neck and guide him towards the dance floor. Y/N, on the other hand, was very confused how on earth he ended up on the situation he was currently in. One moment, he was so close to talking to Ryujin after all the weeks but it was quickly swept out within a few seconds. However, he would not deny though that having danced the resident senior dancer that was Mina was actually a cherry on top if only his situation was not as complex as it already was.

It never really occurred to him how pretty Mina was that evening with her long, backless black dress that had a slit on the left, showcasing her long and muscular legs as she walked around the floor. Heck, he never even got to be this close with Mina even when they were both walking around school together. It was too much for even Y/N to comprehend which exactly was the reason why he was thankful that Mina remembered him even with the small encounter in the Dance Club Studio.

And so, with him distracted upon Mina’s arms the thought of Yeji and the whole ordeal with Ryujin was left raised in the air for as long as the dancing continued. He still wanted to find Ryujin though, and on the back of his head he really wanted to fix everything. His mind was really divided considering he definitely did not want to be rude to Mina. She definitely thought that he had no one to dance with and so she took him in with all her kindness. It was really thoughtful and he thought that spending a few time with her on the dance floor would be enough to thank her.

But then by doing that, he distracted himself from actually doing what he wanted to do.

That trend continued throughout the night as Y/N was absorbed in the seemingly endless conversation she had with Mina, quite mesmerized with the TWICE members’ soft voice. The pair of them danced across the floor for what felt like two songs, equally absorbed in each other’s presence in the night. Y/N actually wanted to find Yeji after Mina finished dancing with him, however instead of doing exactly that he was then swapped around with Mina’s friend and Y/N’s own senior in the Art Club, Son Chaeyoung, engaging with another series of conversations until the thought of meeting up with Ryujin was drowned on his conversations with his seniors.

After a couple of talking with a majority of the Art Club’s members through the various dancing that was happening, Y/N bumped into a familiar face just as he was finished dancing another first year from the Art Club. The pair of them was engaged in a deep and long conversation before, and then after thanking her for dancing him, he was left again wandering in the middle of the floor alone, quite unsure what he was supposed to do next until he once again felt a soft tap on his shoulder.

“Oppa…!” Yuna called him from behind, causing Y/N to turn towards her. “Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you for ages! Have you done it? Have you danced unnie already?”

“Yuna, oh my; you have no idea what happened to me since Yeji and I danced.”

Yuna held her arms wide, beckoning Y/N to dance her before they continue their conversation; and Y/N immediately took it although he was a bit with shame and guilt.

“So oppa, what happened during the past few minutes?” Yuna began as she set her round eyes on his once again; various beads of sweat present on her forehead from all the dancing. “I got a bit side-tracked when Jae-oppa took me in and I did not think of things thoroughly when I left you with Yeji-unnie. Were you two awkward?”

“No, actually it was nice that I got t chance to dance with her, you know. I don’t know how, but Yeji knew that I wanted to dance Ryujin and she’s actually helping me to get to her.”

“Wow, that’s so nice of her! I think it was kinda obvious oppa. For people who were so close to each other like you and unnie, it was quite easy to see that you two were not going well. I guess Yeji-unnie got that pretty well.”

“Yeah, I get the point. But the thing is Yuna, Yeji and I were this close to swapping herself for Ryujin but when she approached her, I got swept away by a mishap and I somehow ended up with Mina-noona. I guess I, too, got a bit side-tracked with everything because of all the swapping for the past… hour or so that happened and I found you here wandering on your own too. I forgot what I was supposed to do.”

Yuna’s eyes widened in shock, “Oh my god oppa; you mean to tell me that you have not danced unnie yet?”

“I haven’t and I’m worried that I looked really bad in front of her and Yeji. It looked like I chickened out on her at the last minute which was not the case, obviously.”

“Oh no… we should go and find Ryujin-unnie then. I’m sure she’s somewhere on the floor as I always bump into her all the time that I was dancing with the others. You never saw unnie getting danced around when you were with Yeji or Mina-unnie?”

“I never really saw her. I would’ve jumped on the first chance that I could get to dance her. The urge has long been there and it’s killing me already.”

“Okay, okay, it felt like we’re back to zero once again. Don’t worry about it, oppa. I’m assuring you that before this night ends, you and unnie would be okay. I won’t let you two leave this even without accomplishing that; we first just need to find her in all this crowded mess.”

True enough to his words, the entire dance floor was now crowded with a lot of people dancing from all sides. The event has reached the point where everyone else was already stripped off of everything that could possibly make them shy. It was already hard to even pin-point a single person because of the sheer mob that flocked around them and the dim lighting of the solemn atmosphere definitely did not contribute well to Y/N and Yuna’s agenda.

“It’s kinda hard to see, oppa. All the students are on the dance floor I think and the lights are pretty dark too,” Yuna expressed. “Do you think it would be good if we split up?”

“I don’t want to go wandering alone in the middle of this floor again, Yuna. I might end up in the same situation I had with Mina-noona. I’m sure at some point we’re going to bump into her. Let’s just trust the process.”

“Have you thought of what you’re going to say to her when that time comes?”

“No… well, now that I’ve thought of it, I don’t want to think of the things I want to say to her. I mean, if I was really sincere with my apology I would’ve just let my heart roll and take care of what I have to say. I figured thinking too much of what I’m supposed to say is the reason why I always back out the moment that I have the chance within my hands.”

Yuna was held shocked at his rather bold statement, swaying in place with her eyes wide open and mouth open in disbelief.

“Whoa, oppa that sounded really different coming from you! It’s amazing to hear it.”

“I hope you don’t get me wrong. I didn’t say that because I wanted to do it just to get things over with, but I really want to fix what Ryujin and I have lingering for a while now, and maybe even be honest to myself once and for all. I remembered your advice back in the café too.”

“Hmmm…? What do you mean? I didn’t think of it that way, oppa! Well, with that I don’t think we should be wasting time talking here. We better find Ryujin-unnie.”

Yuna and Y/N danced around the floor in each other’s arms once again, quite putting the significance of the events behind them as they were mutually more concerned to find Ryujin’s location more than anything else. The task already escalated to a more difficult level considering the sheer volume of people that they both had to crash through. It was quite obvious that the ball has reached its state where everyone else was simply just enjoying themselves and dancing around with anyone that they liked, and it was quite obvious as well that it contributed to the flurry of the main hall.

However, as Y/N and Yuna waltzed around towards the far end of the hall where Yuna insisted she saw Ryujin previously, Y/N’s eyes grew wide the moment he realized that the younger Shin sister was correct all along. He turned a gaze from Yuna’s round eyes towards the sitting figure of Shin Ryujin on a chair nearby, seated on the table where she was assigned and was quite engaged in a conversation with another student. Despite the amount of time since the floor was opened, Ryujin’s look remained really pristine throughout the night; she barely showed signs that she hit the dance floor with the current state of her clothes still radiating their glow with its white colour. Ryujin smiled as she conversed and her familiar whisker-cheeks showed for the first time ever since she and Y/N had a fight, and to him it was refreshing and happy to see.

“Yuna, she’s there on her table,” Y/N said towards the younger Shin sister while giving her arm a tap. “She’s talking with someone else but I think she just finished dancing.”

“Oh this is the perfect opportunity, oppa!” Yuna exclaimed upon turning looking to the direction of her older sister. “I’m pretty sure she’s resting her feet but if you approach her and ask for a dance she’ll go with you. That’s your chance to talk to her!”

“How about you, Yuna…? If I’m going to her now, what would that make you?”

“Don’t worry about me, oppa. I’ll go with whatever happens but for now, I want you to go to unnie. I can manage myself.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes, oppa; go now! Now is your chance!”

“Alright then; please wish me luck.”

And just like that, Y/N let go of Yuna’s hands and waist to head towards Ryujin’s direction, but not before turning back towards her partner for the evening and giving her a very sincere and heartfelt ‘thank you’. Yuna nodded in response and beckoned him to head towards her sister before equally disappearing amidst the crowd just as how Y/N found her previously.

Y/N’s heart was pounding heavily with the mix of adrenaline, fear, anticipation, and happiness. The chance has once presented itself to him and he was sure this time that he wanted to grab it. That was the time. There was no other chance he could have asked for. It was the perfect moment and all he had to do was to go and talk to her.

“Y/N…”

He heard a familiar male voice as he was going through the crowd. Y/N could have easily glanced back to check who was it, as it was really a person he could easily recognize in the back of his head but he was so occupied to the thought of him getting to Ryujin that he never really gave attention to it. His feet were locked on towards his best friend’s location for things to even interfere in the chance that he had for himself.

However, when he was close to clearing the last batch of people to emerge from the crowd and talk to her, he felt a soft grip on his shoulder that ultimately lead him to stop. There was a slight tinge of irritation with him, quite annoyed with the person who was interfering with the fulfilment of his agenda before he finally turned to look towards the person who stopped him. His emotions were quickly changed when he saw who it actually was.

It was the black suit, tie and the slicked back hair that managed to stay intact through the dancing. The form and figure, despite not seen for the past few months, just a simple glance on the stature reminded Y/N of who had the very same get-up on JYPEHS’ special night:

It was Lee Chanyoung.

---

“Chanyoung… what a surprise,” I managed to finally get out as I managed to get myself composed with his talk. “It’s been a long time as well. It’s nice to see you finally back in one of the school’s events. I take it that I’d be seeing you back in school for the rest of the year, I guess.”

“You’re a hard man to reach, Y/N,” he replied to me with the signature tone that I know. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you since the year-rep took you in as her partner, and I’m confused as to why you didn’t even bat an eye when I called your name. You hate me so much that you intentionally ignored me when you’ve clearly heard me?”

Did he just say that he was looking for me?

Why would he be doing that?

Why do I have a bad feeling about this? Encounters with Chanyoung always did not end well. I don’t know what has gotten into him but confronting me in the middle of the Grand Ball after disappearing for months is quite suspicious if I may say so myself.

I’m not looking for a fight. Not in the middle of all this.

“Look, Chanyoung, I know our last encounter didn’t end well and I’m not in the mood for some rabid endings. I’m in a hurry too, so if you’re not going to say something important, then it’s nice to see you again and I’ll head off already. I can deal with you at school.”

“Y/N,” he replied, and to my surprise he even raised both of his hands for me to see as if he’s proving that he has nothing else inside his hands. “I know we don’t have the best of histories when I was still attending physically at school, but will you please cool your engine and listen to me first because I know you’d like to hear what I have to say.”

“What do you have to say that would interest me, huh?”

This better be important. I’m wasting time on him.

“I didn’t stop you on your tracks just to bully you or anything; I’ll have you know that I’m way past that. But I’m not here to apologize as well. For the record, I’m not going to do this if someone didn’t ask me to do so. Y/N, There’s a person who dearly wanted to talk to you ever since the ball began and she thinks I’m the best way to get you to talk to her. That’s the reason why, even though I’m really against it, I’m going off my way.”

What?

“What are you talking about, Chanyoung? Who is this person that you’re talking about?”

I’m so confused. If he’s talking about Ryujin then he’s seriously trolling me. Ryujin’s literally in front of me and we’re just separated by about one whole crowd.

Well, that got my attention for obvious reasons. I eyed Chanyoung with a look of intrigue mixed with disgust and a hint of anger as I recall what kind of person he used to be. If he’s doing that to get even with me from before, then I better get out of this situation immediately. Strange enough, the Lee Chanyoung that I remember had that permanent smug look on his face and aura of arrogance upon his presence; but as he spoke to me about the supposed favour that he was doing there was none of that.

It felt like he was an entirely different person and that he was not the Chanyoung I knew from before. That was precisely the reason why I felt like I had to trust his words even if it isn’t supposed to be the one thing I’m doing right now.

And so, I waited patiently on the spot with me exchanging glances with Chanyoung in the middle of the dance floor. It may have been a few seconds, but there was something intense in the atmosphere that caused both of us to stand still like it was a stand-off. For a moment I considered leaving him then and there; Ryujin was almost in my reach and all I had to do was a couple of steps to solve our dispute once and for all. However, while the seconds passed in awkward silence there really was something that was stopping me from leaving him; the dude who exited as an asshole in my head that now I am trusting for something that he claims was so significant.

Then I saw the exact reason why he asked me to stay; the reason why Lee Chanyoung, of all people, stopped me dead in my tracks right when I was ready to head off. At that moment, everything made complete sense.

“Oppa….” A soft female voice said from the left side of Chanyoung and me, followed by the dark brown hair tied beautifully against her head, the radiating complexion and the bright red dress that she wore for the evening:

Chaeryeong

She was literally standing feet away from me with a hopeful look on her face. If anything, I was quite shaken from head to foot; I was pretty much stunned with my interaction with Chanyoung that I failed to notice that she was standing nearby. I felt my breath hitch as well as my heart pick up pace just by seeing Chae standing there, and the fact that I suddenly because super self-conscious was a sign that I was picking up all sense of details from all around me.

“She’s the one that I was talking about,” said Chanyoung and it finally broke the silence between us three. “Like I said we’ve been looking for you since this event began. It seems like she has an unclosed issue that she wants to resolve with you, Y/N.”

“Chae… hi,” I greeted towards her, although I admit it wasn’t exactly the best greeting I could muster. My voice cracked midway and it felt so stupid and awkward.

“I better leave you two to catch up. It looks like you have a lot to talk about. I’ll head off, Chae. I’ll see you later at the table.”

Chaeryeong nodded, “I’ll see you later, Chanyoung. Thank you for helping me out.”

With that small note, Chanyoung disappeared into the crowd but not before giving me short nod of acknowledgement; something i thought was rather odd coming from him.

“Y/N-oppa… can we… dance?”

I froze for a second as I tried to process what Chae was saying. We’re in the middle of the dance floor standing opposite to each other and I could not even process what she was saying because of the flurry of emotions I was feeling.

“What…? Oh, of course Chae! Come, let’s dance,” I told her the moment that I caught up to the situation, awkwardly taking her hand and placing my other hand over her waist while she placed her hand over my shoulder.

Oh my; this is so unexpected. It didn’t even cross my mind that I would dance Chaeryeong tonight because I was so occupied with Ryujin. I didn’t even picture how I looked next to her in this fit.

But now that we’re both here, I can’t do anything anymore. I could easily just fly by the seat of my pants here but I also want to give her the best version of me I could provide for this evening. I’m pretty sure she went to me because she knew we had to dance.

We just had to.

Chanyoung was right; I had things unsolved with Chae. I need to clean those up first before anything else.

I need to clear this up before I go and clear things with Ryujin.

There was an unexplained phenomenon that happened between us and it was similar to when I lost all awareness of what was going on the moment I first set eyes upon Chaeryeong earlier that night. It was unnecessary to say that Chaeryeong really worked on her appearance this evening and even stating that as ‘beautiful’ would not do her justice. I never got so close to Chae ever, even with the couple of times that were went out together we never really got this proximity towards each other. I think we were mutually mesmerized with each other’s’ presence as we both held one another; the floor vanished and it felt like it was just me and her with the background music once more.

But then again, unlike what I would expect our dance felt much grounded. It did not came to very unnerving, like it was unexpected but really bearable. I wonder if that was because I haven’t spoken to her ever since the preparations for the Ball began and my excitement towards her died down because of that.

Regardless, this dance felt really special. If only either of us would begin to speak it would make the situation less awkward. However, I think that was already expected considering we weren’t really in a lot of speaking terms the past week. Of course, I also have myself to blame for that.

“I… I thought I’d never find you again, oppa. I saw you dancing with Yuna a while back and then you’re gone,” Chae finally spoke after we swayed in place for what felt like a solid minute or two. “You also look really good this evening, if I may add. What can I say; the emerald really looked good on you. It suits your skin tone so well. You’re glowing.”

I nodded and tried to give her the best, most sincere smile I could give her; but with how awkward and tensed I felt like, I’m afraid that it turned out to be a smirk.

“I guess it’s a good change of pace from my standard hoodies, huh? It must have been really weird to see me in this suit. This is definitely not my style, you know. I feel too organized.”

“Weird is the word? I don’t think so. Maybe not seeing in this type of clothing really helped oppa. Now that you’re here, I can’t do anything else aside from admire how good you look. I’m speechless.”

Oh my god

I wanted to speak the moment she said that but I was distracted by Chae turning her gaze away from me, clearly hiding her blushing face as though I could not see it through her hair.

I honestly don’t know what to say, so I figured I’ll just return her compliment.

“I… umm… thank you Chae. You look really beautiful tonight, too. I was honestly blown away when I first saw you.”

She turned back towards me.

“You were?”

I felt my cheeks blush red hot. I don’t know if I was supposed to say that or not, and I only realized how awkward it must’ve sounded like even though I was just returning a supposed compliment.

My god, Y/N, why are you so tense? You’re making the situation a lot more difficult for both of you!

“I… well; I would lie if I say I didn’t. I mean, everyone else looked really well dressed tonight and that included you. I think red really was your colour, Chae. You got my attention during the entrance procession.”

“I’m glad that you noticed… I somehow hoped that you would.”

“What do you mean?”

Chae pursed her lips for a moment and transferred her gaze from my eyes to somewhere behind me. There was a slight shake in the look in her eyes and I could only assume it was because she’s feeling really nervous. She placed her eyes back to me again, and this time as she was about to speak, a crack on her voice was quite audible.

“Actually… I’ve been looking for you since the Ball started. I wanted to talk to you and tell you of what’s going on with me, as well as resolve things that were pretty much left unsaid between the both of us. It may sound so clingy out of nowhere and I have no other real reason to do it, but I figured after you started to go busy the past few weeks in preparation for the Ball, I realized a lot of things. I would say that I counted on my look tonight to get your attention and I’m quite thankful that it did work in some way.”

“That one’s really on me, Chae. Like you said, I think I got too occupied that I started to let my social life die down for a bit. I’m really sorry if I gave the wrong idea to you. I should’ve told you the first time I felt I would be busy otherwise you would not feel left out.”

“Oppa, I know that it’s not the only reason why you stopped talking to me for a bit.”

“Chae…?”

She smiled.

“I wanted to be completely honest to myself and my feelings, which is why I asked Chanyoung to look for you. This might only be my chance and I don’t think I could bring my courage up in the air again for this one, so if you would let me, I’d like you to listen to what I have to say because I have a lot.”

Wait, what’s going on? Chaeryeong felt serious all of a sudden and I never got to see her like this ever. However, we did not talk for quite a while so I guess there are a lot of things that are undisclosed between us, as well as realizations. I did have some too and whatever she has had to say I’m more than willing to hear them out.

Although, with the sudden shift in the mood I don’t think I’m ready to hear what she has to say. I’m feeling so anxious knowing that there would be a flurry of emotions coming my way.

I say that but I nodded towards in agreement, anyway.

“Thank you, oppa. Ummm… oh my, I don’t really know how to begin this,” she replied and even through the slight touch of make-up on her face I could see Chae’s fair cheeks blush pink. “Okay, so… I’ll start at the beginning to make things clear. When we had that unfortunate encounter on the Dance Studio, I initially felt really ashamed of myself because of what happened, being a first year who happened to spill a cup of hot coffee on my senior because of my own clumsiness. Who would have thought that because of that small incident, we grew to be really close, right? We talked for hours for every day, and you were even helping me with some of my school works, oppa, and things got a lot easier for me because of you. I would always be thankful to you for doing that.”

“Chae, it’s really nothing. You don’t need to thank me for anything.”

“I know that you’d say that. I’ll still insist to thank you about it because you never had to do those things for me. You’re a very kind person Y/N-oppa, and I think that’s one of the reasons why I got so comfortable towards you even in such a short span of time since I first met you. I told you that I never dated or even talked to a guy like the way I did towards you, right? You just have a very special trait that I don’t see with anyone else that I’ve met so far: you’re genuine kindness and care for every person that you meet and I saw that clearly with all the times we spent talking and going out with each other. It was precisely because of that reason that…”

She stopped mid-sentence and her gaze turned really blank like she was suddenly lost in somewhere. My heart was pounding really hard against my own chest because my mind was going really haywire. I’ve had a lot of assumption within that interval of seconds that she was regaining her composure and it really did not help to the intense sensation I was feeling deep down.

“Sorry, oppa, but I think that is the reason why I liked you…”

Oh my god

“…Or at least I think I did.”

I know what I heard and I completely understood what she said the first time that I heard it, but that did not stop me from not believing the words that escaped her very lips. This time, I was the one who was lost in a completely different world as the floor, the students, and even Lee Chaeryeong disappeared around me. For a moment it was only me and only me alone, all with the pounding sensation inside my heart with Chaeryeong’s words resonating endlessly into the depths of my mind…

I liked you, or at least I think I did.

I don’t know how long I stood still there or even if Chae was saying something else after that, but her statement was more than enough to rattle my presence there. After all, it confirmed everything that I was thought about, everything that I had been speculating for the past weeks up to this point.

I was right. Chaeryeong did have feelings for me.

However, even if I would not ignore the second part of her statement I could not bring myself to be fully thrilled about the confession. Surely, it was flattering to actually have someone like you, more so a beautiful and talented first year such as Chaeryeong, but am I relieved that she actually THOUGHT she liked me rather than it being the actual thing? Why am I happy that it turned out differently than what I originally thought it to be?

“Oppa…?” I heard Chae’s voice say towards me and upon registration the world began to form in on itself once again. My mind was immediately restored after a few minutes of drifting away. “Did you hear what I said? Please don’t make me repeat it… It’s already difficult to say it the first time.”

“Chae, sorry, I did. I heard you loud and clear and I think I blacked out for a second there. I apologize.”

“I think I take that it’s my fault. You went here with me oppa in the premise that we’re just going to dance each other and now here I am telling you about my feelings... It’s not exactly surprising for you to have that kind of reaction. I’m sorry.”

“Oh no, Chae, it’s fine. I mean, I know that at some point we’re going to talk about what’s going on between us right? Plus, I did promise that I wanted to hear what you had to say so, if there’s something else, I’m all ears.”

I could already feel my hands shaking as I held her and I’m already praying to the heavens that she could not feel how ice-cold my hands have been getting. I don’t want to ruin her moment.

Chaeryeong, on the other hand, smiled in the open space of which it looked to me like she was jump-starting herself after finally letting the hard part out. There was something cite about her minute actions but in the same time it felt like there was a fundamental hesitation, it was like she was restraining herself from spilling too much emotion otherwise she might not be able to handle it.

“I… honestly oppa… “She said with a soft voice with her gaze rolling from left to right with the situation. “I… I figured during the times that we were so close to each other that I am starting to like you. I already smile when I see your replies, or even anticipate that it was you that messaged me whenever my phone lit up for notifications. That unsung feeling when I see you around campus stuck too much in me; it felt like I just could not take a single day without having any sort of contact with you. I must have been slowly falling for your charms right? But it’s not like you’re trying to lure me in, oppa; you’re just so effortlessly attractive with just how you were and it was exactly that why I thought I was falling for you.

“But when you started to go busy with your own activities, there was something that I realized when you weren’t there. I am no longer anticipating for your replies after a short while, no longer waiting for you to message me, no longer excited when I see my phone light up because of you; and that was when I noticed that maybe I was just really infatuated to you previously because I talked to you a lot. Surely, there was that sense of attraction towards you, and I would not deny that, but like what I said maybe it was just because we’re in the moment that made us feel that. I never saw a guy treat a person who spilled their hot drink on them the way you did to me and I got attracted to you because of it. It’s crazy.”

There was another pause right after the unexpected flurry of words that came from Chae, and the same pause came mutually from me as I had no idea what to follow up for that. It wasn’t even sinking in properly just yet. Once again, she transferred her gaze towards something over my right shoulder before returning her eyes back to mine after a few minutes. Upon contact, she immediately blushed and caught hold of herself with her left arm going from my shoulder to her face to cover her mouth out of a sudden embarrassing feeling.

“Oh my god, I’m talking too much, Y/N! I’m so sorry!”

“Well, what can I say?” I told her as I thought it was nice to shift the mood up a bit. Chae’s getting a bit serious and I’m worried that she’s blow up right here. “It’s interesting how you said that you liked me and then proceed on a very lengthy explanation why it’s not the case. I really appreciate that. It’s cute.”

“Yah, oppa; now is not the time to be teasing me!” Chae said, giving my right shoulder a soft tap before placing her arm back.

“I know. I’m just trying to lighten the situation up a bit. Going back, well I think you said everything that needed saying. I’ve seen the point and… honestly, you word things better than I do. You said it yourself; you felt the attraction because of proximity and I would lie if I’ll say that I didn’t feel it too. There was a point where I felt like I did like you as well, and now looking back, with everything that happened during the past leading up until this point, everything felt a bit…”

I have something in my head but I don’t want to say it in front of her. It felt really rude even though it was the truth. But because of me second-guessing that thought, my sentence trailed off as I spoke.

“Forced and rushed…?” Chae finished the sentence after noticing that I fell silent. “Did you also feel that the feelings were so intense at some point and then abruptly went out when we dialled down our talking?”

“Would it hurt if I say it that way?”

She shook her head. “I definitely would not, oppa. I think it is the truth because I felt the same way. I guess we both had it coming since we’re going at everything so fast. I knew that you must have felt it, too.”

“I did, Chae. I don’t even want to deny it now especially that you’re already talking about it. It did felt out of place and anyone who blindly trusts their emotions without thinking of the reasons why could easily be fooled that they’re legitimate.”

Okay, this is it. It’s time to be completely honest towards her as well.

“Chae, I would say that I got really into you in probably the same way that you felt towards me and yes, I would say that I felt your feelings the same way as well. There’s really something different when we talk and go out; like there was something special going on behind the curtains. However, yeah, in the long run when I tried to distance myself to you because of everything that was happening I realized that perhaps I’m not being completely honest to myself. I got carried away with our proximity and I guess I got infatuated. I think that sums it up pretty well.”

I breathed in for a brief moment hoping to get me enough courage to belt out the following words:

“… I did like you too, at some point Chae, but I don’t think it’s something that I would describe as romantic; maybe it was for the moment that I felt it but now I’m sure that it’s not exactly on that domain.”

Chae paused for a bit as if she was waiting for something that I would tell her. There was something about that too; having admitted to her how I truly felt and become completely honest with myself now that I’m opposite her felt really relaxing. This felt awfully similar to when I finally accepted Yeji as my crush and solely just that.

I felt relieved.

It was like a thorn was removed from being stuck on my body for a while.

I gazed back towards Chae’s porcelain-like complexion, glowing even through the dimly-lit hall of the dance floor. A wide, sincere and satisfied smile was etched on her perfect face and seeing it alone was very inviting that I didn’t even notice I was smiling along with her as well. However, just as I thought that we would end up not saying anything from that point, I felt Chae’s hand shift position from my right shoulder. Her palm’s silky-soft skin grazed its path carefully as it found its way up towards my right cheek, each touch that her palm made from my neck up to my face sending thousands of electric shocks all over my body. Having Chae touch my face for the first time ever was electrifying in its own right that I feel like I’m about to skyrocket myself out of the Diamond Hall. The sensation was more than enough for what I wanted to hear from her. The touch compensated more than whatever her words could ever give.

“Oppa, I know you have someone that you wanted to dance with this night. She’s someone who’s really important to you… and that someone is not me. “

“Hmmm…?”

“You may actually be surprised that I know this, but you’re best friends with someone in the Dance Club, right? I also know that for the past weeks, the two of you haven’t been talking to each other for reasons that I don’t know.”

My heart skipped a beat. I realized she might have had a hint with regards to me and Ryujin; with how she found out about that and what she wanted to point out in this conversation was still a mystery.

But then again, my head was really shaken with a lot of stuff that was happening all at the same time. All I could do that moment was sway with Chaeryeong’s rhythm and listen to her soft voice cutting through the loud background music of the hall.

“I hope that you would not think differently of me because I know this,” Chaeryeong continued with a soft, apologetic tone. “You are looking forward to dance with Ryujin-unnie this evening, am I correct?”

Oh wow… well, I’m not really surprised that she knew about that. In all honesty, it felt like she made everything a lot easier for me to explain now that she knew about it. Right now, I’m speaking to Chaeryeong as my hoobae and not as someone whom I used to have feelings for. All I had to do was to open up and make the bizarre part of the puzzle clear.

“Chae, that was way too specific of a guess. How did you know about me and Ryujin?’

She gave me a stern smile, pausing to gain composure for whatever her explanation would be. I was genuinely curious as to how she found out. I’m pretty sure she didn’t just go nosing around. Chaeryeong’s definitely not that type of person who would do that.

I heard Chae clear her throat before speaking once again.

“I… well; I found it through Yeji-unnie by accident and this was when you and Ryujin-unnie were not in speaking terms. I also got curious when we went out and you asked if I knew her, then I found out through Yeji-unnie that the two of you were best friends. I figured, maybe the reason why Ryujin-unnie’s so sad and uninterested with everything is because the two of you were really not in speaking terms.”

“It’s not like I’m trying to keep it a secret anyway so I’m not really mad that you know it. It was my fault Chae; Ryujin was my best friend and I… I said bad things to her because I was not thinking straight.”

“Was it really just you that caused all this oppa?”

“What do you mean?”

“I thought about some things when we weren’t talking. You started to lay low with our daily conversations almost in the same time that you and Ryujin-unnie had your misunderstanding… I thought maybe, if the feelings you said previously were true, maybe I sort of got in the way between both of you. I’m sorry, oppa, but it just made sense.”

“Chae, please—“

“It’s fine, oppa. I know that if that was true you would deny it to me because you don’t want me to feel bad. I really appreciate you for that…”

Damn, she’s so spot-on

“That’s why I really wanted you to go and fix things for yourself. Even if there was a slight chance that I was the reason for your fallout or even if I’m not; then I still think you should settle what you had with Ryujin-unnie. I know how she means to you because you’ve been friends since middle school. I don’t think I’m worth trading for a friendship that you established throughout the years, and so I just want to take this time to apologize for getting in the middle. I’m sorry for that.”

I wanted to reply to Chae, to deny up until the very limit I could to preserve what emotions I could prevent from crashing, but then I figured I no longer wanted to lie to Chae. It was the truth anyway; I had fallout with Ryujin because of my infatuation towards Chae and that has been more than clear now.

If anything, Chae’s request felt really heavy in my heart. I need to do it for her even if I won’t even tell her directly. It was for the greater good.

Chae smiled and brushed her palm over my face, making sure that she’s feeling the heat coming from my own cheek. She then spoke in her usual soft tone that was so mesmerizing now that we reached this height of emotion in the conversation.

“It’s okay, oppa. I’ve said everything that I needed to say, but thank you for everything. I still hope that we’re friends, going forward, because I definitely do not want to lose a person with such a golden personality as you, oppa. Can you promise me that?”

“Of course, Chae; I would also like to do the same. I don’t want to lose you as well because of temporary emotional fallout. I had one of those recently and it’s painful to bear.”

She nodded.

“It’s done oppa. I also don’t want to take your time any further. You should already be looking for Ryujin-unnie at this time, you know. I say we end the dance now while we still can.”

“Is it fine for me to leave you here?” I asked, but then I paused the moment I realized she had a partner. “Oh, never mind that. I just realized that you have Chanyoung. He looks different from the last time I saw him and I take that it’s because of you. You two look good together, honestly. You changed him for the better and I want to congratulate you for that.”

To my surprise, my statement was met with a soft giggle from Chaeryeong. I wondered if I had said something rather off in this situation.

“I guess Chanyoung was really a trouble maker when he was in school, huh? Literally everyone we saw gave me that impression. You’re not the first one to say that to me, oppa.”

“Why? What do you mean?”

“Me and Chanyoung; Oppa, are you serious?”

“I mean, I didn’t exactly have the best memories with him as well but he seems like a good guy now, and the arrogant aura about him was now gone. Why did you ask me that?  Don’t you like him?”

She smiled, much to my confusion.

“Don’t be ridiculous oppa,” Chae said with a clear attempt at stifling her laughter. “Lee Chanyoung is my cousin. He agreed to take me tonight so that he could come back to the school as well. He spent the past months being home schooled and disciplined. Apparently everything worked out fine and so I asked him to be my partner this evening. It coincided well with the end of his home schooling.”

“Oh… really…?”

Damn, that makes so much sense. Of course they’re cousins, because why won’t they be?

Now I’m so embarrassed of myself.

Chae laughed.

“You thought that we were dating? I guess I could see that. I never mentioned that Chanyoung and I were cousins and we really don’t look alike so there’s that.”

“Yeah, Chae that was crazy.”

What the heck? How come I never thought of that?

I feel so ashamed for even asking her that. Oh my god.

She sighed. “Well, going back to what I was saying, umm… I think you should find Ryujin-unnie. I don’t want to take too much of your time now that the event’s been going for a while. You need to look for her now.”

“Thank you for understanding everything as well, Chae.”

Chae then walked closer towards me. In my surprise, I froze on the spot and waited for what she would do. Slowly, her face closed up upon mine and in turn my heart began to beat heavily against my own chest. There was a fraction of a second where I thought she would kiss me right in the middle of the crowd, but then she swooped to the side and gave me a soft peck on my right cheek.

She stepped back, but not before placing her hands over mine. We then stood there gazing back at each other, holding each other dearly. There was a moment’s bliss, but I had a feeling that it would not last for any more longer. Chaeryeong and I’s dance together ended with a dear tight embrace that we both decided to give each other after the short kiss, feeling the warmth of each other’s’ bodies before finally splitting up.

“We’ll still keep in touch, right?” she asked. “I would still want to dance you in next year’s Ball.”

“Of course we would, Chae. I’m really looking forward to that!”

“Alright; I’ll head off now, then. Good luck, oppa! Go and chase what would make you truly happy. Go ahead and look for Ryujin unnie.”

“Thank you Chae!”

With that, the pair of us mutually bowed towards each other in courtesy. The deed has been done; Chaeryeong and I have finally gone our separate ways as lovers. Now, there’s only one thing that I should do for this evening.

My plan was finally clear for tonight as everything that bugged me for the past weeks has been gone within a span of an hour. I felt like it was fate’s way of telling me that I should settle all my undisclosed issues with the people around me, including my unresolved issue with Lia that unintentionally traversed through Chaeryeong.

Now, it was behind of me. All that’s left was to find Ryujin and fix this once and for all. But before I could proceed to do that, I need to wade through the multitude of people that were dancing around me. It was already a chore considering how dark the floor had been and how crazed the people were. I had to go through a literal mob in the darkness.

However, after I finished going through the small crowd and headed towards the direction where I remembered I last saw her sitting,

Ryujin was no longer there.

It was just an empty seat.

---

 MASTERLIST

[samstree]

for the drabble thing: “you weren’t there”

maybe post mountain geraskier? i’m in an angsty mood rn but whatever you wanna write will be good :)

Creatures of the Night (2)

It's the night of Jaskier and Valdo's wedding. Geralt needs to do something.

(endgame geraskier, background valdo/jaskier, angst, infidelity)

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The Oxenfurt Observatory might just be the grandest building in Redania.

The great hall is decorated with countless flowers and candles, giving the ancient walls a soft glow. Through the tall glass ceiling, stars are shining in the clear night sky, the perfect weather for a wedding.

It must be Jaskier’s idea, to be handfasted at midnight, to have his guests slow-dance under the moon and the stars until dawn breaks. Their new life will begin when the candles burn out and the first ray of light spills into the room.

If only there’s a competition for the biggest romantic on the continent. Jaskier could win without breaking a sweat.

The room is being filled up with guests—mostly bards and professors, old schoolmates of the two grooms. After all, both Valdo and Jaskier are Oxenfurt’s children, which means everyone is dressed in the most colorful clothes one could imagine. In another word, the room is being filled up with Jaskiers, and it’s getting loud.

It’s more difficult to locate the bard himself through the din of the room, but Geralt hears him, unmistakably. Jaskier’s heartbeat approaches the Observatory, thrumming with nervousness.

No more nervous than Geralt.

He breathes in, and exits the room in a few strides. And there Jaskier is, surrounded by pale moonlight, with jasmine flowers braided into his hair and pure joy painted across his cheeks. He seems to be murmuring a private joke to Essi, and they both burst into strings of giggles.

Geralt almost backs out.

“Geralt!” Jaskier notices him. “You came! I was worried for a moment.”

“Of course.” Geralt gestures to the outfit he helped pick out. “You look nice.”

“Thank you. Now, Poppet, can you give us a few moments?” Jaskier sends Essi inside with the sweetest smile. She shoulders past Geralt a little too curtly. There’s always an air of wariness whenever Essi regards Geralt, an untrusting side-eye here and there.

“Don’t mind her.” Jaskier waves when they are left alone. “Little Eye is a tad too protective. She’ll get over it.”

“Hmm.” Geralt swallows hard. “Can we find somewhere more private? I want to talk to you.”

Jaskier blinks, but leads them away anyway until they are by the side of the road, the celebrating crowd and the orange glow of candlelight in the distance.

“Here to make sure I end up someone else’s problem, aren’t you? Don’t worry, in about half an hour, I will be legally required to only bother Valdo for the rest of eternity.” Jaskier nudges Geralt in the shoulder, a jasmine slipping by his ear.

Geralt rights it without thinking, his fingers trembling.

Gods, he can’t say it. He can’t. Jaskier is so happy and Geralt will only ruin their friendship. His second chance is too precious to be risked—

“No, actually,” Geralt heaves out a breath, his heart pounding. “The opposite."

Jaskier snorts, “And, my dear witcher, what is the opposite?”

Here it goes.

“I am in love with you.”

The words sink into the silence. Geralt’s world narrows down to the steady rise and fall of Jaskier’s chest and the little hitch in his breathing. In the darkness of the night, Jaskier’s eyes stay in the shadows, his emotions obscured.

“No, you are not.” When he finally answers, it comes out in a snort. “Ha! A good one, Geralt! And they say witchers don’t have a sense of humor, idiots!”

Jaskier lets out another dry laugh, although the waver in his voice betrays everything.

“I am,” Geralt stresses again, “in love with you, Jaskier.”

Jaskier is staring, the upturn of his lips freezing into shock, the rise and fall of his chest picking up into a frenzy and suddenly he’s breathing too fast. “You can’t. You just can’t…” Air seems to trap in his lungs and a salty tang of tears hits Geralt full-force.

“I wish I couldn’t love, like what they say, but Jaskier, I can and I do—”

“You can’t do this to me!” Jaskier shouts, crying openly. “No, no! You don’t get to tell me this now! We had twenty years…”

Geralt wants more than anything in the world to pull Jaskier into his arms and wipe away the tears, but the space between them is too great. “I didn’t know for twenty years, Jask. Forgive me. It was only after the mountain that I learned how important you were to me. I couldn’t go on like this—”

“The mountain?” Jaskier chokes out a whimper. “You realized after the mountain? You mean when I bared my heart to you and you stomped on it like it was nothing?”

Geralt shakes his head, the guilt constricting his chest. “I’m sorry. For all the pain I caused you.”

“For months I thought I was but a mistake to you, that you hated me for two decades and couldn’t wait to cast me aside like dirt stuck on your shoes. Do you even know… Geralt, do you have an ounce of idea what I went through?”

Jaskier sways and Geralt catches him in his arms, placing his head on his shoulders and feeling the uncontrollable shakes running down Jaskier’s spine. The sight of Jaskier hurt because of him, again, pains Geralt more than any monster’s claws or talons.

“I love you, Jaskier,” he vows. “You were never nothing to me. You are everything. I was an idiot. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Jaskier struggles and swats at his shoulders and Geralt takes it all the while murmuring more sweet nothings into his ear. Finally, when Jaskier calms down, it’s with another whimper. “You are an idiot.”

“I am.” Geralt cradles the nape of Jaskier’s neck, running his thumb in circles, soothing the last of the trembling away. “Just one word from you, Jask, I can take you away. You don’t have to marry him. Just give me the word and I’m yours. Gods, I’ve waited for so long for this day. At last, I’m sure of my heart, just as I’m sure of yours.”

He buries into Jaskier’s hair and inhales the grief and the flowers, and something that is distinctly Jaskier, expecting a whispered plea. Just one word from Jaskier and they can start their new life together.

What he doesn’t expect is the way Jaskier goes stiff in his arms and the hand that pushes him away.

The soft moonlight catches a glint in Jaskier’s eyes, and it speaks of determination. “Valdo,” he says, as if in a dream.

“You don’t have to marry him. We can lea—”

“Valdo will be here soon.” Jaskier sniffles and wipes at his tears frantically. His whole face is puffy from crying and there’s no way he can hide it. “It’s almost midnight.”

Geralt’s world comes to a stop.

“What?”

“Get inside, and don’t say anything about this.”

“I don’t understand. Jask, you don’t need to go through this anymore. I’ll give you anything you ask. Just say the words, please,” he begs for the first time in a century, catching Jaskier’s hand.

“I am saying it. Get inside. Sit in the back row and don’t speak to me. Valdo might be able to tell.” With a few deep breaths, Jaskier school his features back to neutral. “Only the gods know how he can read me like an open book.”

Geralt’s blood runs cold. “Do you love him?”

The anguish by the corner of Jaskier’s lips says everything. It remains as he smiles a crooked smile. “He loves me. Oh, Geralt, he loves me. I can’t hurt him like this.”

“I thought,” Geralt looks down in shame. “I thought I knew your heart.”

“I thought I did too.”

“Then why?”

“You weren’t there,” Jaskier shrugs like it’s the easiest explanation. “He was.”

Despite every cell in Geralt’s body screaming against it, he nods and lets go of Jaskier’s hand, allowing his limp fingers to slip from his grasp at last.

Jaskier has asked it of him after all.

He doesn’t know how he got back into the crowd, the warm light only a blur in his vision. Another group is stopping near the hall, among them is the other groom-to-be. Valdo’s worried voice when he sees Jaskier is another blow to Geralt’s chest.

“Oh, Julian, are you crying?”

“Just…too happy.”

There’s the sound of kissing, and Geralt can’t tune it out. He laughs at himself for the masochistic tendencies, but maybe he deserves the torture.

“No more tears. Let’s get married, my love.”

The guests settle, and the music begins.

The happy couple walks towards the altar in the witness of family and friends, and Geralt watches every moment of it.

If the smile on Jaskier’s face is a bit strained as the priest ties the ribbon, no one seems to notice.

---

A big thanks to anon for the prompt! I asked for some one-word or one-sentence prompts and the next thing I knew they were connecting into a whole story.

Each chapter of this story will be based on a prompt, so send in one if you want to steer it in certain directions ;)

Tagging: @wanderlust-t @rockysstupidity @flowercrown-bard​ @alllthequeenshorses @mothmanismyuncle @percy-jackson-is-sexy- @constantlytiredpigeon @behonesthowsmysinging @kitcatkim3 @endless-whump @rey-a-nonbinary-bisexual @llamasdumpsterfire @dapandapod

Please feel free to tell me if you want to be removed or added to the list <3

[ve1vetyoongi]

wherever you will go | jjk

Pairing: Jungkook x female reader

Genre: actor!oc, director!jungkook, smut, angst, humour.

Word count: 21k

Summary:  Not much happens when you grow up by the coast. Tourists come and go, the theatre where you work shows the same shows over and over and there’s always sand and salt in the air. Your dreams of making it big in the city are exactly that: dreams. When your hopes of becoming an actress are shattered into a million pieces, you find yourself getting drawn to a captivating up-and-coming movie director by the name of Jeon Jungkook. With his bright eyes and charming smile, he seems determined to glue your pieces back together -- even if it means leaving Ocean City behind for good.

Warnings: themes of loss/grief, mentions of death of a parent, dom!jungkook, dom/sub themes, spanking, squirting, unprotected sex, oral sex (f recieving).

Rating: Mature.

A/N: Hello loves! HAPPY JK DAY!! This fic is a lil celebration of our golden boy Jungkook so I hope you enjoy!! This whole fic is sickeningly fluffy and reads like a pretentious YA novel but ya girl wrote this while she was stuck in quarantine a few weeks ago and I debated not posting this bc I lowkey love it lowkey hate it so pleasedonthateme if it’s bad LOL. Also -- just incase you haven’t read the warnings already there is a running theme that deals with the loss of a parent (a topic very close to my heart, hence why this piece was especially healing to write.) so reader discretion is advised if that is triggering to you in any way shape or form!!!! P.P.S Largely unedited so pls bare with any mistakes!

Prelude.

You're late for your work shift, you note, as you catch sight of your watch face glaring up at you menacingly from the arm clutching the handle bars of your bike. As if your mood couldn't get any more miserable -- the dreary morning drizzle that falls from the sky and drips icily down the back of your nape was bad enough.

Goddamn, you groan to yourself as you will your feet to pedal ever faster. Now my hair is gonna be frizzy.

It's a Saturday and the theatre where you work always opens earlier at the weekends. You promised you'd be on time today, but yet here you are, speeding down the worn in sandy sidewalks of your seaside town a whole block away when you should've been opening up half an hour ago.

It's a habit of yours, being late. And as hard as you try, you just can't change a habit. But it can't be helped you suppose. Continuity is all you've ever known. That's the thing about living in a tiny seaside town. Things never change.

The view from your bedroom window has been the same for as long as you can remember — Ocean City — Aka, block after block of rainbow coloured houses with flaky paint leading up to the harbour where boats bob nonchalantly and fishermen reel in their catches beneath the gull filled sky. Beyond it the beach; greyish rolling waves and upturned pebbles nestled atop of hard sand in the winter and clear water and brightly coloured beach towels and brave surfers in the summer.

Nobody ever leaves, and the tourists that arrive in summer never stay. Life becomes a predictable practice, just each day lived out to the next in an endless cycle of never ending continuity. It's suffocating and endless and sometimes you feel like you're just a pawn on a giant chess board, destined to move one agonising square forward at a time, never diagonally. It's hard to change directions when you've been taught to stick to what you know.

You didn't always live here, in this town of continuity. You lived in the big city for a while, where no day was the same as another. But after your mother died you and your older brother were shipped off to live with your dad, who wouldn't know the definition of adapting if it hit him square in the face. He's always been the same square shouldered, balding dude in his forties who never wanted kids and never quite got over losing your mother to the big buck actor she ran off with when you were two.

So that's how you ended up here. Late for work at your job in the country's most prized vacation spot. And your boring reality.

You roll past the beach huts on the shoreline that alternate between vibrant pink and muted blue, barely paying attention to the boardwalk with its little boat house that stretches out into the horizon like a crooked finger. When it gets dark, you can spot the pier carnival lights flashing in the distance from here as they dance across the reflection of the pale white moon and play among the waves.

Even now, the yellow lights of the ornate street lamps that line the water's front shine like tiger's eyes against the sky just like they always have when you turn down the familiar route that takes you past the winding lanes of trinket shops and the happy hour bars and the carnival that feels strangely empty at such an early hour, not a single rollercoaster ride in operation.

Before long you're skidding to a stop outside of the The Crestmont, the old theatre where you work. It's everything you'd expect from a vintage cinema; pink and blue neon lights and a gold trimmed ticket booth out front with a three-sided marquee that extends from the front of the building like a brightly lit airport runway. You hurry beneath it, grateful for the protection it provides from the rain that has started to come down in lashes now, before heading over to the rack around the back of the building where you can chain your bike.

The Crestmont used to be somewhat of a hotspot back in the day or so your told, but these days it only shows cartoons at a discounted price for the neighbourhood kids and the occasional local production of some worn out musical everyone has seen a hundred times before. It's lost all it's magic, everyone says. But you disagree; you probably spend more time here than anyone, and there's magic in every inch of this place.

From the red velvet curtains to the grand chandelier, The Crestmont is one of a kind. Sometimes you disappear into the theatre by yourself for a while unbeknownst to your manager. You can almost taste the laughter and the tears and the love that has been spilled and shared unapologetically amongst these seats. Pure magic.

Your mom left a piece of herself here, too. If you close your eyes you can hear her laughter spilling out into the theatre, or her lilting singing voice filling every nook and cranny like a haunting siren. She was the Crestmont's star. Ocean City's sweetheart.

There's a wall of fame in the lobby. It's covered in portraits crested with gold frames, all filled with pictures of the Crestmont's greatest performers. You've spent hours there — (turns out it's the perfect hiding spot from your manager) — fingers tracing the plaques beneath each one, all inscribed with names that townsfolk whisper with dreamy looks in their eyes. Some are black and white, some colour, but all of them depict pretty faces with beaming smiles that never seem to fade.

Not even your mom's. Her smile is pearly and bright, right above the plaque with her birthdate. And her death date.

And right there at the end, an empty frame. Your frame. You can feel it. You already know how you'll pose for your picture. Hair over one shoulder, hand on hip, smile so convincing that it'll be like every happiness in your heart is written right across your forehead proudly, and you won't have to dull it any longer.

You finish hooking a chain around the handlebars of your bike, catching sight of your reflection in the darkened windows. Staring back at you is a girl dressed in a maroon v-neck with a preppy dicky bow tied around her collar. You frown. The white shirt itches and the high waisted pants make your crotch look weird but the uniform is compulsory. The only thing uglier is the sour expression on your face, which you try to smooth out with your thumb, experimenting with plastering a sickly smile to your face instead. It might be convincing if your lips didn't strain and your eyes weren't so prone to rolling without your permission.

You need to learn to hide your emotions, your father said. You have your feelings written across your face. Customers don't like that.

It's true; customer's didn't usually like you, your unforgiving face or when you spilled cola down their blouse or spat in their popcorn. One more complaint and you were on the path to being fired once and for all, and although in some ways you would be glad to say goodbye to the stupid slushie machine that always gets stuck and the ungrateful customers and the goddamn uniform, you can't loose this job.

Not when it's your ticket to making it big. Then customers will point to your picture as they pass and clutch their chest with a snide superiority, Oh! Can you believe she served me a cola once? I always knew she was gonna make it! instead of Would it kill you to smile a little, honey?

So you swallow a sigh and make your smile as convincing as possible and march inside of the ornate theatre doors of The Crestmont, hoping that today may be the day where things finally change for once.

Where it begins

"I'm going to work!" You call as you you pull a baseball cap down over your hair to cover it's unbrushed wildness. "I won't be back for a while so don't wait up, okay Taehyung?"

You pause with your hand on the door, listening carefully for a response; the small house you live in pulsates with the bass of some indie rock album your brother and his friends are obsessed with at the moment, and your eyes roll when you peer up the staircase and find Taehyung's bedroom door firmly closed like always.

With a shake of your head you scribble out a message on a sticky note — GONE 2 WORK. — and leave it for him to read when he eventually emerges from his man cave in search of sustenance and finds you gone.

You brush away the funny ache that nestles in your stomach. This is nothing new. You're used to not being heard. Your dad is always gone for trips you suspect involve more play than work, and your older brother pretends he's not broken by hanging around with the neighbourhood cool kids and barraging himself in his room for days on end. Despite living under one roof it feels as though you're miles apart, an invisible barrier separating you indefinitely.

You weren't always like this; distant, always stepping on eggshells around each other. You were a family once. A happy one. But since the accident there's been an absence in this house, and nothing has been the same since.

Still, you know that beneath Taehyung's standoffish persona, he's still your big brother. He worries about you. So you tack the note to the fridge and make your way outside.

The lawn is already brown despite it only being late May, and summer is shaping up to be hot and sticky, though you live two blocks away from the beach so the coolness of the ocean still thankfully pervades against your perspiring skin, the gulls already calling you with their high pitched squaks from down at the shoreline.

You've barely made it to the end of the drive before there's the sound of knuckles rapping against glass. You look up and your heart jumps into your mouth. Staring back at you is a pair of dark eyes from behind the upstairs windowpane. Even from this distance you can see how they shine, deep and dark like a cup of black coffee, and you'd recognise the annoyingly cute smirk that matches them anywhere.

Jungkook. Jeon Jungkook. Taehyung's best friend, and, unfortunately, your crush for as long as you knew what the word love meant.

"Hey, Y/N!" Your heart sinks when the window slides open and a messy head of brown hair sticks out through the gap and points at you with a pout. "You're leaving already? Without me?"

Oh; another thing about Jeon Jungkook. He's also your co-worker, which means you spend 16 hours a week in his company, much to the glee of your heart and the dismay of your conscience.

You weren't exactly surprised when you turned up to the Crestmont theatre for your first shift and were left in the capable hands of none other than Jungkook to teach you the ins and the outs of the popcorn machine and the ticket booth.

For as long as you've known him he's been somewhat of a film buff. He practically grew up holding a camera. You always used watch him and your brother making home movies in the backyard, fit with ketchup sachets for blood and endless costumes from your mom's closet. And the one time you stayed at his house when your dad went away for a while after the accident, you saw all the classic movie posters on his bedroom wall; Casablanca, Singing in the Rain, Jaws. So it made total sense for Jungkook to be at the Crestmont. In fact, you couldn't imagine him anywhere else.

That day you were mostly just surprised that he knew who you were at all. While you had spent years watching him from your bedroom window while he kicked a ball around with Taehyung or avoiding his eyes at the table when he stayed for dinner, he had never so much as glanced in your direction.

Deep down you think the reason he was so quick to take you under his wing is because he knew first hand how hard the accident hit your family. You suppose he feels he owes it to Taehyung to keep you in high spirits.

Although if you weren't you and he wasn't him, you'd swear Jungkook's attentions had become almost flirtatious as of late. He always goes the extra mile to spend time with you, and you even though you know it'll end up with you getting hurt you can't bring yourself to stop him.

You see, Jungkook has a gift for subtle charm. Like how he always sneaks you sodas out back on your lunch break, never forgetting the extra syrup — tooth rottingly sweet just how you like it — slipping one of his own dollars into the cash register to avoid a telling off from your manager. Or how he insists on helping you clean up after the theatre is empty, showing you the best secret places like down the back off seats to find misplaced trinkets and the creaky floorboard where your manager hides his cigarettes. How he insists on walking you home after the evening shift, even if he says he's going this way to see Taehyung anyway.

You've spent countless hours pondering over whether his sweet talking words mean as much to him as they do to you. And as much as you know it's unlikely for someone like Jeon Jungkook to ever have feelings for you, you can't help the way your heart speeds up every time he shoots you one of his signature bunny smiles that light up his whole face like he's happiness personified. And you can't bring yourself to hate him for it.

"I did call," you respond matter of factly, finally sucking in a breath of courage to turn around and squint up at him through the afternoon sun with a shrug. "But that trash you're listening too was too loud for you guys to hear me."

Jungkook's eyes widen as he fumbles around beneath the windowsill and pops up again holding up a shiny vinyl record sleeve. You recognise it instantly; it's from his favourite film — Submarine. He hardly ever shuts up about it.

"This is not trash. This is, like, the best movie soundtrack ever made!" He shakes his head as he takes the needle off of Taehyung's vintage record player, music ceasing with a scratch, and slips it into the sleeve with a grin. "Good thing I have it downloaded so we can listen to it on the way to work, hm?"

You roll your eyes and tap your foot impatiently, and at that, Taehyung appears behind him.

"You're leaving already?" He frowns, words directed at Jungkook even as he glances through narrowed eyes at you stood awkwardly on the front lawn.

"Yup. My shift starts in twenty." Jungkook shrugs, disappearing into the room for a second before he emerges again with a backpack slung over his shoulder. "Sorry dude. I can come back afterwards though, if you want?"

Taehyung purses his lips. Even from here you can see the stress lines embedded in his forehead that make him look older than his humble age of nineteen, somehow weak unlike how you always saw him as a kid. Big and strong; untouchable; your brother.

His blunt eyes never quite meet Jungkook's as he shakes his head softly. "'S good. I was gonna try and sleep, anyway, before the sun goes down. Didn't get much shut eye last night. Not with the..."

Nightmares. Taehyung trails off, but you know that's what he's alluding to. The nightmares that turn your big strong brother into a sniffling mess in the dead of night, kicking around mercilessly until you sneak into his bed and whisper to him until he slips into slumber again. Not that you ever acknowledge it in the morning over your bowls of cereal and vacant good morning's.

"Okay." Jungkook's face momentarily falls; a rare occurrence from the boy who seems to be perpetually cheerful. He pats Taehyung on the shoulder gently. "Take care of yourself, okay man?"

Taehyung just nods, letting out a yawn as he rolls into a stretch. "See ya tomorrow."

You're jolted from your thoughts when Jungkook throws his left leg out of the window, then the other, arms bulging in just the right way where they poke out of the sleeves of his plain white tee as he climbs down the drainpipe and lands with a thump on the soles of his high top sneakers.

"Hey kiddo." He grins as he wipes the palms of his hands on the thighs of his ripped jeans, before messing up your hair despite your groan of protest.

"Don't call me that. You're only a year older than me."

You're startled when you meet the pair of warm eyes that glint golden brown in the summer evening light, chest contracting as you look away and break into a fast walk towards the street.

"And you know you can just use the front door right?"

You hear him snort behind you, neglecting to use the front gate and instead launching over the fence so he lands directly in front of you on the sidewalk.

"How am I supposed to impress my best friends little sister if I can't show off my guns?" He flexes his arm, but you just brush past him with a roll of your eyes.

"You're an idiot."

You hear the clunk of his bike chain unhooking from the gate, before a set of wheels pedal up on the sidewalk beside you. "Hey! Where are you going?"

"Uh, to work?" You offer bluntly, squinting at him through the sun. "You should be too, we start in fifteen minutes."

"I mean why are you walking? What happened to your bike?"

You roll your eyes. "Some tourist kids slashed the wheels at the beach."

"Shit. Really?" Jungkook tuts, but you don't miss the glint in his eye as he nods towards the pegs on the back of his bike that were made for carrying a passenger."Then I guess it's my lucky day. Hop on, we can ride together."

You come to a standstill, arms crossed tightly. "I'd rather walk."

"Oh come on!" He wiggles his eyebrows. "It'll take double the time if we go on foot, and I recall it being you who got a final late warning last week."

"If we go on foot?" You laugh breathily, determined to stand your ground. "Just go on ahead, I'm good here."

"Well, I'm not exactly going to leave you here alone on the side of the road now am I? So I'll be forced to walk with you. And I'm older than you remember? Look, I'm already out of breath! My legs aren't what they used to be, y'know."

"Fine!" With a pout you take the helmet resting in his front basket and hook it underneath your chin, biting your lip to stop a smile from gracing your lips at the excitement that lights up Jungkook's features. "But only because I want you to shut up."

"Your wish is my command." He says with a pat to your head. "Hold on tight, okay?"

And as you wrap your arms around his waist, you're sure his ears heat up a deep shade of red, even it could just be the evening light playing tricks on you.

The theatre at the Crestmont feels eerily quiet when its empty.

You know that because even though your shift was supposed to end at 5, you offered to stick around to help clean up after today's performance. Phantom of the Opera.

"Jesus," You groan as you pick up another sticky soda cup that someone had kindly spilled all over the ground for you to clean up, dropping the offender into a black trash bag. "Doesn't anyone around here know how to use a trash can?"

You fall into one of the theatre seats with a sigh and run your fingers over the scarlet velvet, worn yet plush, the texture soothing you instantly. You tilt your head back and let the silence engulf you. No orchestra, no musical numbers, no stage crew shouting directions. No whirring cotton candy machine. Just you and the stage.

From here you can see every detail on the high ceiling littered with renaissance-style paintings of mermaids and babies armed with heart shaped bow and arrows. Your mom was an actress. When you were a kid you used to spent hours staring at them while she rehearsed. You were convinced they came alive once the theatre closed up for the night, their cheeky smiles evidence of a secret only you knew.

A trail of rainbows is cast by the grand chandelier hung in the center, and it draws your attention all the way down the aisles and up to the stage.

The Crestmont is only small, fitting perhaps 200 people at most. It's hardly Broadway. But the fire in your chest ignites as you glance side to side before sidling up the creaking wooden steps that wind up to the Crestmont's center stage. Your favourite part of the whole theatre.

It's not the first time you've done this. You often like to come up here after everyone has gone home, even though you technically aren't supposed to. There's a certain magic about being alone up here as you collect the lone roses that were thrown on stage by tonight's audience. Breathing in the musty smell of butter popcorn that lingers on the velvet curtains, feel the warmth of the bright stage lights glazing your skin. Something about it feels like home.

The first time you ever saw the Crestmont stage was on tv, watching a grainy camera shakily capture your mom in the very same spot you find yourself right now.

Your mom used to have a cardboard box filled with her old audition tapes. Everything from Hamlet to A Streetcar Named Desire, she'd starred in it, and you spent hours together in front of the television set trying to memorise the way she spoke your favourite lines and listening to her lilting voice recite backstage anecdotes about her rendezvous with foreign directors who dined on her in Paris or underground parties with celebrities you had never even heard of as she stroked your hair.

It wasn't until you got a little older that you realised that, just like you, your mom was a dreamer. Sure, she'd visited a couple different states and starred in some makeup commercials once, and that was enough to make her a celebrity in a town as small as this.

But really? She was just a small town actress with dreams larger than herself and way larger than the Crestmont where she made her name. And suddenly the gaps in time where she would disappear for weeks — sometimes months — on end no longer made sense to you. If she wasn't drinking cocktails with the prince of Monaco or clubbing in London, then where was she?

"Down town with those no good roadies," Taehyung told you once. "They made all these empty promises. Told her she'd make it big if she just did what they said. But look how that turned out."

That was the day you realised your mom was a better actress than you ever knew.

She always thought that her dreams would come true. She believed it so hard that you believed it too, naively. But who knows? Maybe they would have if she didn't get into an accident on her way to New York for her big break.

It's easy to imagine how your mom felt up here. She always looked so alive and free in those VHS tapes as she danced effortlessly across the stage with an ethereal weightlessness, the theatre silent except for the melodic sweetness of her monologues that drew tears to the eyes of those who listened eagerly.

If you close your eyes you can hear the roar of the crowd, hands clapping furiously. The orchestra tuning their brass in the pit, bows melodic against strings. Flowers landing at your feet. The deep breath of satisfaction as you take your final bow and the curtain closes.

Just like that you're moving across the stage, reciting the lines you know so well...

"You're gonna be a star like me some day," A voice whispers against your ear, soft and gentle. A memory. Your mom. "Just like me."

And just like that, she's there. In the audience, clapping. For you. And you feel invincible.

The sound of applause breaks you out of your trance. Real applause. You find yourself stood center stage, broom in hand, staring out at row after row of empty seats that gape with the same emptiness that was here when you arrived.

Except one of the velvet lined seats is filled now. Right at the front.

"Encore!" Jungkook whistles, the harsh thwacks of his palms clapping together clanging inside your ears. "Do it again! That was amazing!"

Your chest seizes painfully, a sudden bout of panic turning your blood cold. You feel the colour leave your face. How long has he been here? How long has he been watching?

Jungkook is watching you attentively, eyes soft at the edges with wonder. It makes bile rise in your throat. You can't be up here. Not when there's a pair of eyes looking at you, judging.

"I..." You begin, but the words get caught in your throat.

"I can't do this."

The way Jungkook's eyes widen and he lurches forward to catch you is the last thing you see before your vision goes black.

The boardwalk is strangely quiet for a summer evening. It's happy hour so you suppose most vacationers are already in the bars in their I LOVE OCEAN CITY T-shirts drinking cocktails or whatever. Not that you're complaining.

The smell of hotdogs and vinegar from the vans that line the strip still fill the air, snatches of conversations from children begging their parents to let them go on the waltzer one last time barely audible above the tinkling bells of the carousel. The ride operators drink soda's as they fan themselves with rolled up newspapers, grateful for the gentle hubbub on such a sticky evening, and then there's you, caught up in the middle of it all.

The wooden boards of the pier are warm against he backs of your thighs. You're sat with your legs dangling through the peeling guard rail that lines the strip. It was painted pastel blue at some point but years of sea spray and grubby hands made it fade to a sickly green tinge that matches the ocean.

Speaking of, the ocean would usually be directly below your feet, murky and wild, but today the tide has receded right back to reveal a large strip of sand. The stands suspending the pier rest on top of it so that you could walk right under and around them if you wanted to. You and Taehyung used to do that all the time when you were kids. Searching for barnacles. Exploring the dark places.

"Here. Eat up. You totally passed out on me back there. You could probably do with some sugar."

The soft voice beside you is the only thing loud enough to permeate your daydreams. You don't have look up to know who it belongs to. Jungkook.

He peers down at you, sun beating down against his back. He's holding two vanilla ice cream cones, double scooped, and he thrusts one into your hands before mirroring your position at the edge of the boardwalk.

The walk down here from the Crestmont was more or less silent, and your stomach twists now you realise Jungkook wants to talk.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing." You lie. The ice cream is cold and sweet and covers the bitterness. "I just think it's funny."

Jungkook's tongue sneaks out to lick up the melted cream dribbling down his cone. "What is?"

"How this place stays the same but I feel so different." You were born here, raised here. This place was your whole life once, with it's salty air and bustling casino's. But since the accident, something's been bubbling inside you, swelling and crashing like the ocean below that taunts you and you've never felt farther from home in your life as you do now, looking out over the town that just won't budge, just like the funny ache in your chest. "Forget I said it. I don't know why I'm even telling you this."

Jungkook fidgets beside you and runs a hand through his hair with a sigh."It's okay, y'know. To miss her."

Your mom. You know that's who he means. Just the mention of her stings.

"Mhm." You snort. "Tell that to my family. If we all carried on missing mom then we'd be in pretty hot shit by now."

"If it's Taehyung you're worried about, then don't be. He's stronger than he looks."

"Until he's not anymore. And we lose him again just like—" You pause. You hate how you can hear the pain in your voice so you smooth it out. "Just like before. And I can't let that happen. I won't."

Jungkook shifts. As Taehyung's oldest friend he was there for everything in the aftermath of the accident. He was there when you put on a brave face for the sake of your family. He was there when Taehyung couldn't be any more.

"That doesn't mean you have to be strong all the time. Think about it this way. The ocean isn't always this calm right?" He gazes wistfully out over the ocean that swells and crashes against the shore, fingers twirling the gold chain around his neck. "Last winter when we had that huge storm, the waves were so big they smashed right through the pier support beams."

You furrow your brows. "What about it?"

"The ocean was just too much for the pier to bare and it would've come crashing down forever if half the neighborhood didn't come down to the beach in the dead of night, despite the rain, and hold it together until the storm calmed and the emergency repair boats could get to shore."

It's true. You remember how unforgiving the rain was as it pelted down against your back and froze you through to the bone that night as each and every familiar face from your neighborhood came down to the seafront to lend a hand, your family included.

Jungkook was there too. He was the one who knocked on your door in the early hours to spread the word. He got given free churros for life by one of the pier stall owners as a reward.

"What I'm trying to say Y/N, is that Taehyung has you to lean on, right? So who do you have?" Jungkook says, staring at you head on now. His sincerity almost makes you blush.

You bite your lip. Deep down you know that your beams are just as broken as Taehyung's and it's only a matter of time before they come crashing down into the water, and this time there'll be nobody to hold the pieces together.

"I don't need anyone. I'm just fine on my own. I can handle my ocean."

Jungkook brushes your hand. You flinch, so he pulls it back into his lap. "Well if you ever need a life boat, then you know where I am okay?"

You don't believe him, but he's staring at you so expectantly that you just tell him what he wants to hear. You're good at that.

"Okay." You whisper. "Okay."

Children's laughter bubbles up from the beach. You watch their distant silhouettes dancing among the waves. It's Jungkook who breaks the silence before it settles between you and becomes uncomfortable.

"Anyway, what were you doing up there on the stage today?" He smiles, like he's trying to lighten the mood. "You looked like you were having the time of your life before—"

You feel your cheeks start to burn. How long had Jungkook been watching you at the Crestmont? Had he seen the whole thing?

"It was nothing. I was just being dumb."

"Nothing?" Jungkook cocks his head to the side and punches you playfully. "It didn't seem like nothing."

"It just...it makes me feel close to my mom when I'm on the stage." You admit. "I loved watching her when I was a kid. She was always larger than life in my eyes. She had this way of making you really believe she was someone else. It was like she wasn't just acting -- she was becoming. Sometimes...sometimes I think I liked her better when she was in character."

You shake your head with a small smile. "I like me better when I'm in character. I used to dream about going to New York one day and becoming an actress just like she wanted to. Small town girl making it big in the city and all that." You scoff. "But I'm nothing like her. It's just fun to pretend sometimes."

"You're good. At performing. Like, really good." Jungkook's eyes are wide. When he places a hand on your forearm you don't shake it off this time. "You take after her. Everyone says it."

It's true. There's one photo of your mom in the house. It's in Taehyung's room. When you were younger you thought it was your face staring back at you from behind the glass. Sometimes you'll be walking down the boardwalk or serving soda's at work and you'll hear the whispers. See their heads turn. Is it her?

"Pfft. Looks mean nothing." You scoff. "She was fearless. I can't even speak in front of one person without passing out, let alone a crowd."

Realisation crosses Jungkook's face. "Oh. So that's what happened back there? Stage fright?"

"Uh huh." You roll your eyes. "So don't give me the follow your dreams spiel or whatever."

"Hmm." Jungkook uses his arms as a makeshift pillow so he can lay back against the ground. You mirror him, peering through your fingers to watch how the golden rays of the sun swallow his frame. "Remember that play they made us do in middle school?"

"The Nativity?" You raise your eyebrow. It was the first theatre production you were in, before the accident and way before you had stage fright.

"Yeah." He grins. "I was the sheep. Taehyung made fun of me for months afterwards because of that stupid costume my grandma made."

"Yeah." You snort. "You did look sorta dumb."

Jungkook bumps your arm with a playful pout that makes you giggle. "And do you remember how I forgot my lines on stage and nearly pissed myself with stage fright? God, I still remember how mad my dad looked in the front row. We'd practiced that part for weeks. I don't know why it happened. I just froze—" A small smile forms on his lips. "But you didn't. Next thing I know there's a kid in a gold star of Bethlehem costume running on stage to recite my lines for me. You stole the show, remember that? Everyone loved you."

"That was then." You murmur, but you can't suppress the smile tugging at the corners or your mouth. "I'm not the same person."

"You were a year younger than the rest of my class but you auditioned anyway, because you knew that you were the only person who could play the star. Because you were a star."

Jungkook turns so that his head rests on his elbow and you're suddenly so close you can feel his breath ghost across your cheek. Your heart pumps in your ears as you gaze dips down to his rosy lips and back up to his sparkling eyes which bore into yours.

"You still are a star."

The words echo in your ears, soft and sincere. His tongue snakes out to wet his lips. You lose your breath. And then you jump away, placing a safe distance between your bodies before you can do something you regret.

"And what about you. Are you still a sheep?" You tease, turning your face so he can't see how it burns rosy red.

"Nah. Figured out pretty quickly after that that I was better off behind the camera." He chuckles.

"Oh right. You still have that thing?" You nod to the camera in his lap. It's one of those old ones that looks like the type that needs a film reel and a projector, but it's been modified so there's a little viewfinder at the side to check the footage instead. "Can I see?"

"What?" Jungkook blinks.

"Some of the stuff you've filmed?"

"Oh! Right!" It's his turn to flush now, scratching the back of his neck as he anxiously thrusts the camera into your hands and pays close attention to the hangnail at the edge of his thumb as you watch the footage.

Your eyes widen when a familiar scene rolls out on the tiny screen. You, on stage at the Crestmont. Jungkook filmed you.

"This is..."

"You." He rushes."Yeah, I know. Sorry if this is awkward—"

"No. Not at all. I just—" You watch in awe as the you inside the camera moves across the stage with an effortless grace. How the lights make your eyes shine and your skin brighter than you remember it being in the mirror this morning. "How did you do that?"

Jungkook's forehead creases. "Do what?"

"Make me look like...that."

"I didn't do anything." Jungkook shrugs. "That's just how I see you."

You could listen to him say that all day, but you stop yourself mid swoon.

"Don't say things you don't mean."

"I do mean it. And I'll show you." He wiggles his eyebrows.

"How?"

He grabs your hand and squeezes it. Tight. "I don't know how yet but I will."

You roll your eyes. "Good luck, Jeon."

"You know I like a challenge." Jungkook laughs, and the melodic sound goes right to your chest. "I'll make you see yourself how I see you. Just wait."

"Since when did you have four wheels?" You call to Jungkook with a quirk of your brow, resting your elbows on the window ledge of the beat up truck he pulls up in outside the Crestmont.

It's a sticky August afternoon and the rusty red vehicle purrs— or more like splutters — in the parking lot as Jungkook untangles your bike from the rack and lifts it into the cargo bed like it's weightless. Just yesterday he came by with his pump and a patch to fix that goddamn slashed tyre, and now he's stealing it?

"Hey! What are you doing with my bike?"

He is clad in nothing but a white vest and board shorts, and you can see perspiration glimmering at his temples as the salty breeze blowing from the beach ruffles the dark curls that flop over his forehead.

"This is my dad's truck," His eyes flash with pride as he hops into the open drivers side door and makes the engine growl. He nods to the empty seat beside him and pushes his dark round sunglasses down the bridge of his nose, fanning his face with his hands. "And you won't be needing your bike today. Now hurry up and get in, loser. I've been waiting ages for your shift to finish and the AC is broken."

You raise a brow. "We're going somewhere?"

"Yeah. Why else would I be waiting for you to get in my truck?"

"I mean, we're going somewhere in this?" You nod towards the truck's worn tires, the fumes that wisp from the exhaust pipe like a lit cigar. "Are you sure it's safe?"

Jungkook notices the way you bite your lip. You don't even have to tell him the worries that are running through your mind. It's as if he can read them like an open book.

"Are you still scared of riding in cars?" He questions, softly.

You nod. That's what an accident does to someone. Makes them scared of something they ordinarily wouldn't even question.

"A little." The breeze ruffles your hair and you hide behind it. "I'm getting better." You add, so he doesn't feel bad because you know he does. His face tells you as much.

"It's a short drive, if that helps." He rushes. "And I asked Taehyung and he said you'd be okay, but if you aren't then I can just walk you home—"

"No." You shake your head firmly. There's a funny fizzing in your stomach that's been there ever since that day on the boardwalk, and it's only growing stronger and stronger now you're inches away from Jungkook and his warm eyes and gentle smile. You don't want it to end just yet. It's enough to outweigh the wriggling fear that's always inside you just a little. "Where are we going?"

Jungkook's face lights up and your heart flips when you realise it's because of you.

"I told you I was gonna make you see what I see, didn't I?"

"Oh that was today?" You tease. "Must have missed it it in the calendar."

"Stop asking questions! Just get in. Please?"

"Fine." You walk around to the passenger door, sliding in beside him and throwing your bag into the back seat. "But I need to be home by midnight or Taehyung will worry."

"No problemo." Jungkook salutes as he switches on the engine and the truck roars to life. You clasp your hands tightly in your lap and breathe through your nose. You're okay. You're safe."Home by midnight. It's a promise."

You gaze out of the window to stop your thoughts from running wild. Jungkook turns left, away from town and the beach and everything familiar. You watch it get smaller and smaller in the mirrors, strangely relieved. Strangely excited.

"Now will you tell me where we're going?" You ask.

"Nope." Jungkook chuckles when you pout. "Just sit back. Relax. Take in the view. Listen to the music."

He leans across the dash, making a point to keep his eyes on the road as he fiddles with the stereo. A familiar string of guitar chords fill the truck. You recognise them, even if vaguely. Probably from Taehyung's vast collection of records.

"The Beatles right?" You ask, resting your chin on your knee as you dare to take a peek at him, blushing when you find him already staring at you.

"Pfft, yeah. Of course it's The Beatles! Only their greatest soundtrack, like, ever."

You shrug. "I've never listened to them before, so I wouldn't know."

"Oh come on? You haven't seen A Hard Day's Night?" His eyes widen when you shake your head. "Super Fly? Pulp Fiction? Purple Rain?"

You stifle a giggle at the look of pure shock he's sending you. "Nope. Should I have?"

"Absolutely!" He splutters. Passion shines in his eyes. "You're missing out on some of the greatest cinematography known to man!"

"I guess you have a lot to fill me in on, then."

"I sure do." His eyes soften. "Open the glove box."

You open it. Inside you find an assortment of cassette tapes, old and new. You send him a curious look.

"Close your eyes and choose one." He nods. "Go on."

You do as he says and shut your lids tightly, feeling around until your fingers curl around a tape you're strangely drawn to. When you open your eyes you find a worn box in your palm, yellow at the edges, and you're momentarily disappointed until Jungkook hums in approval beside you.

"Good choice! Dirty Dancing. A classic." He takes it from you and slides the tape into the stereo. It crackles a little before the music starts. "Trust me, you'll love it."

The stereo tracklist flashes amber. 01: Do You Love Me?

"You broke my heart 'cause I couldn't dance," Jungkook sings along in a deep voice, eyebrows bouncing as you loll your head to the side to send him an eye roll. "And now I'm back to let you know I can really shake 'em down!"

The song starts, all vibrant guitar and drums. It has a funky 60's groove, like it belongs in a swing dancing club instead of on the highway at sunset. It's a happy song and you think it suits Jungkook just right.

Speaking of Jungkook, he starts to bob his head in time with the beat, fingertips tapping in rhythm against the steering wheel. He looks adorably dorky, losing himself to the song, like he's forgotten you're even sat beside him.

"You look like an idiot." You deadpan, though you can't cover the laugh that escapes you as he sings along louder.

"No, I look like I'm having fun!" Jungkook rolls down the window and turns up the music so loud he has to shout for you to hear him. "Don't you ever do this? Just give in to the music for a while? Let your body do what it wants?"

"Uh, no. I prefer to just listen." You shout back. "Besides, your body should be focused on driving this car right now--"

"Oh come on! Just try it."

"Try it?" You blink, stomach suddenly knotting."Like now? In front of you?"

"Well duh. Look. Copy me."

He starts to shake his shoulders from side to side, fingers clicking as he nods for you to do the same.

"I...okay." You start to copy, but you catch yourself in the rear view mirror and you just look stiff compared to how effortlessly Jungkook moves to the rhythm.

"See you're doing it!" Jungkook grins, throwing his head back. "Feels good huh?"

"Kinda..." You have to admit there is something liberating about just letting go. "Like this?"

Your knees volunteer themselves to the beat, and then your arms, and before you know it you've got your eyes closed, hair whipping around your face as you speed down the interstate

"That's it. Feel the music!"

Before you know it, the song ends and you realise all at once that you're laughing. Loud and free, enough to make your belly hurt. Jungkook is too, the sound better than any song you've ever heard, and neither of you can seem to stop.

"Oh my god." You pant, covering your face with your fingers, embarrassed. "Now we both look like idiots."

"Don't hide from me." Jungkook bites his lip. You're suddenly aware of how close he is. His arms grab your wrists, pulling them away from your face, but he doesn't drop the one closest to him. Instead he links your fingers and uses your shared grip to change the gear as he turns down a winding road.

"I'm shy." You say, and you can feel the heat in your cheeks.

"Why? You're beautiful." Jungkook puts the car into park. You realise all at once that you've been driving for ages and you didn't even panic once. "Besides, we've arrived. And you're not gonna wanna miss seeing this."

The destination Jungkook seems so excited about turns out to be a concrete parking lot.

"Where are we, Jungkook?" You ask, looking around but finding nothing but tyre tracks and dirt.

Jungkook has already hopped out of the drivers side, sliding over the hood of the car to tug open your door with a quirk of his brow.

He holds out his palm, upturned and calloused. "Do you trust me?"

You bite your lip, heart pounding. Do you trust him?

Your body speaks for you and you slide your hand into his. His thumb traces your knuckles reassuringly.

"Yes." You breathe. "I trust you."

"Good."

You yelp when an arm wraps around your waist and hoists you out of the car, tightly interlocked fingers blocking your vision like a makeshift blindfold. "Don't open your eyes until I tell you to."

"Okay." You giggle, feet stumbling as you try to find your balance with the help of a sturdy hand beneath your elbow.

Jungkook hums gently beneath his breath as he guides you up a path that turns from concrete to loose rock to dampened grass beneath the soles of your beat up sneakers. There's a voice in the back of your mind that tells you to be nervous; who knows where he could be taking you right now.

But as you breathe in the musty notes of his cologne and feel your heart flutter in your chest when he comes to a stop and rests his chin on your shoulder, just close enough to feel his laugh ghost across your neck, you don't care where in the world you are right now as long as it's beside him.

"Now, open."

The sun is startlingly bright when you open your eyes for the first time and see the vibrant meadow that stretches as far as you can see.

Wait — that's not the sun. It's sunflowers. Clusters of them, cheerfully waving with the breeze from where you stand on the path that continues for a few steps before it disappears among their stems.

The sunflowers are a burst of golden colour against the fading green of the meadow, and the horizon beyond that which boasts the silhouette of beach rock against the soft blue of the ocean at sunset. There's tracks here and there where the uncut grass is trampled, like some children had played hide and seek.

You reach out a hand and brush your fingertips over the velvety petals; breathe in the botanical scent of the fresh sunny blooms that dances through the meadow. It's breathtaking, you think. There's no coordination, just freedom choreographed by the wind as the tall stems sway back and forth in their gentle dance.

Before you know it you've taken off into a run, grinning with childlike glee when the tall grass tickles your nose and the sun whispers against your neck.

"Jungkook, this place is—"

"Beautiful right?" You nod breathlessly, blushing deeply when you come to a stop and find him staring right at you. He squeezes your hand and that's when you notice your fingers are still interlinked. "I come here a lot. When I need to think."

"How did you find this place?"

"Taehyung and I stumbled upon it a few summers ago by accident." He says. "Nobody knows about it. It's our secret."

"It's so beautiful." You whisper. "The whole world needs to see this."

Jungkook kicks at a stone with the toe of his boot. "I kinda like it being a secret. This place...is special to me."

"Then why...." The words get caught in your throat. You swallow and try again. "Why did you bring me here?"

"I wanted to show you the things I find most beautiful. Remember?"

"The sunflowers?"

"Well yeah..." He scratches the back of his neck. Swallows thickly, like he's preparing himself. "But I was thinking of something a little different..."

You close your eyes, a smile appearing on your lips as you let the crisp breeze caress your face. "Then what?"

There's a sharp click of a shutter, and when your lashes flutter open in surprise, Jungkook is shaking a Polaroid picture back and forth, his eyes glinting with something mischievous.

"Hey! Give me that—" You reach for the Polaroid, stomach churning with a sudden shyness that makes you hug your arms.

"Just — don't do that okay?" He holds it out of reach, pleading with his eyes. "Please."

"Do what?"

"Give up on what makes you happy just because you're scared." His palm cups your cheek. "You said it yourself. Being in front of the camera is where you belong. Don't you see that?"

"I'm not scared." You feel the heat rise in your cheeks when Jungkook sends you a knowing look. "Okay maybe I am scared. And so what if I am? You've already given me the face your fears spiel and I told you. I'm perfectly happy avoiding every camera known to man for the rest of my life if it means I never have to face them."

"But you've already faced one of your fears today. You got in my car, remember?" He raises an eyebrow, smug. "Well, two technically, 'cause you're here with me now and I know how nervous you used to get around me--"

"Did not!"

"Do too! Every time we talk outside of work you get all shy and--"

"Shut up."

"See! You're doing it right now!"

You don't know what compels you to do it. Maybe it's the heat rising in the apples of your cheeks or the way your heart quickens when Jungkook closes the gap between you, but before you can stop yourself you're reaching up and grasping his face with both hands.

"Oh just shut up and kiss me, doofus."

The smug smirk on Jungkook's face is replaced with wide eyed surprise, his lips falling still for a moment when yours crash against his. But then his steady hands find your waist and he supports you on your tip toes so he can pull you ever closer, melting into the plush press of your lips.

When you pull back, you're smiling. You can't help it. You've been dreaming of this moment since, like, middle school. And goddamn, he even tastes how you imagined. Like black coffee and toothpaste.

"See." He tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. "Happiness suits you."

"Whatever, Jeon." You smirk. "Don't let it go to your head, but it's thanks to you."

Jungkook flashes you the biggest bunny grin you've ever seen, eyes sparkling at your words.

"Wait...stay like that." He reaches for his camcorder in his backpack and points the lens at you. The smile falls from your lips. You place a hand on his arm, grip tighter than you intended.

"Jungkook stop."

"What's wrong? Just keep smiling like that, the shot was perfect—"

"I don't know what to do." You shrug, the lens boring into you like a judgy aunt at Thanksgiving dinner. "The camera makes me nervous."

"Just pretend I'm not here."

You sniff. "I don't want you to not be here..."

"Listen," Jungkook cups your face, thumbs tracing your cheeks fondly. "The reason I brought you here? It's because this place reminds me of you. Beautiful."

"Jungkook--"

"Just like you said, the world needs to see this place. Just like they need to see you."

"I..." Your heart is on the verge of exploding, you would swear it. "Okay." The word rolls off your tongue before you can stop it because somehow you trust him. And deep down, there's still that fizz of excitement mixing in with all the nervousness. The Jungkook Effect. You don't want to lose it to the darkness like everything else.

"I'll try. Just-- don't laugh at me okay?"

"You have my word, sarge." He salutes with a thoughtful grin. "Hold on a sec. I know exactly what you need to get you going."

Jungkook jumps to his feet and you watch with your chin tucked between your knees as he jogs down the rocky path and opens all four of the truck doors, even the trunk, before his head disappears into the vehicle and the same pumping bass from earlier starts blasting into the quiet serene of the sunflower field.

"There," He grins as he returns, out of breath, and sits back down beside you cross legged, holding his camcorder to his eye. "Now do what you were doing before again, but over there. Just pretend you're on stage at the Crestmont, okay?"

You feel the music wash over you and the urge to move hits you like a wave. Jungkook nods encouragingly and there's something in his eyes that flips a switch inside you. And for the first time in a long time, all the passion and spirit and feeling inside you fizzes up to the top and you can't contain it any longer.

"That's it!" Jungkook calls, shutter clicking uncontrollably. "I knew you could do it!"

An oak tree provides sun-flecked shade, a cool sanctuary from the sun that sets on the horizon and splashes the sky's canvas magenta.

Jungkook laid out a checkered blanket from the trunk of his truck which you both lay upon, shoulders pressed together as close as humanly possible, surrounded by your devoured picnic consisting of his mom's fruit punch and bags of snacks he took from the concession stand at the Crestmont when nobody was looking.

"Holy shit, Y/N." He says through a mouthful of popcorn, jabbing his finger at his favourite shot of you in front of the sunflowers. "This is what I've been saying! You're a natural in front of the camera."

"No, you're amazing, Jungkook." You feel for his hand. It's funny how natural it feels already when his pinky links with yours. "Behind the camera."

"You think?" He chews his lip, eyes searching yours for approval.

"I know. You should do something with these. People need to see them."

"I'm thinking of becoming a filmographer, actually"

"Like at the pier?" You think of the tacky photo booth that overlooks the sea in town, fit with all the silly cardboard cut outs that tourists come and take a photo with for a dollar.

"No, I mean a real filmographer." He shrugs, and you're sure there's a trace of a blush on his cheeks. "Y'know. Movies and stuff."

You nod. It makes sense for Jungkook to spend his life with a camera glued to his right hand. You can't imagine Jungkook anywhere else, and you have to ignore the sinking feeling that comes with the realisation that he would eventually leave Ocean City -- and you -- behind for the big screen.

"Well you bet your ass I'll be front row to watch each and every one, Jeon Jungkook."

"My lucky star." Jungkook smiles.

"Always."

He must see the sadness brimming inside you, his body shuffling closer so your knees brush. It's reassuring somewhat.

"Actually...there's something I should tell you."

He shifts under your gaze. The nerves rush back. "What is it?"

"I guess I finished writing my first screenplay..."

"That's like a movie script, right?" You ask eagerly, and he nods. "That's great, Kook!"

"Yeah, it's great it's just --" He pauses, and clutches your hand tighter like he's scared what he says next will make you let go forever. "It's about you."

You pale. "M-me?"

"I mean, it's about you and...and Taehyung! And your mom." Jungkook rushes. "I was inspired by your story at the boardwalk and it just happened! I'm sorry, I know you probably hate me now and think I'm crazy but--"

"Burn it." You deadpan.

Jungkook blinks. "W..what?"

"I said burn it." You pull his hand into your lap and he lets out a sigh of relief. "I don't hate you, Kook. I just think you were right earlier when you said I need to face my fears. And the only way I can do that is by forgetting my past. The last thing I need is a whole freaking movie about it."

He joins in with your strained chuckles. "Sure you aren't mad?"

"Not mad." You assure with a smile.

"Then I'll burn it."

You avoid his gaze shyly. "I'm kinda honoured you wrote about me, though." You admit.

"I guess...I guess I could call you my muse." Jungkook blurts hurriedly. His nose is a deep shade of pink and it makes you want to tease him forever.

"Yeah." You nod to yourself with a smile. "I like that. Your muse."

And then his lips are on yours again, like he can't quite help himself, and you start to forget where yours begin and his end.

This time it's not delicate and sweet. It's slow and languid, hot and heavy. The sunflowers break your fall, Jungkook's lips never leaving yours as he climbs on top of you, one hand tangled in your hair, the other planted beside your head so that his chest hovers above yours. You're almost certain he can feel how hard your heart is pounding in your chest, but you don't care, too lost in the bliss of finally feeling Jungkook's plush lips against your own.

"Come to New York with me." He says breathlessly between kisses, and your heart stops.

"What?" You can hardly drag your lips away from his but you have to be sure you heard him right. New York?

"I mean, in the future. I'm gonna go to New York. Get a job at a film production company or something, I don't know--" He tucks a piece of hair behind your ear. "Come with me."

"I...I can't."

"Why?" He frowns. "Is it me?"

"No! God no."

"Then why? You said it was your dream right?" You nod. "So what's stopping you?"

"I..I have to take care of Taehyung, and my job at the Crestmont and--"

"Okay. Lets pretend none of that exists. It's just you and me." His breath ghosts against your forehead. "Y/N, will you come to New York with me?"

"Yes." It comes out breathless, but you mean it. With every atom and nerve and fiber in your body. "Lets go to New York."

Where things change.

3 years later.

A postcard sits on the Welcome Home! Doormat you and Jungkook bought before you left for New York. You recognise the picture perfect image of Ocean City on the front, and Taehyung's messy scrawl on the back that tells you he's doing fine at his new management job at the Crestmont and he will be sending a housewarming gift imminently.

— Stay smiling, Y/N. Miss you already! Taehyung. :)

With a small smile you tack it onto the bare fridge. It brightens up the empty kitchen somewhat, a little piece of home and a reminder that you don't need to worry about leaving your brother behind to fend for himself so much any more. Since he pulled his life together and got a job at the theatre, it's like he came alive again. Found his purpose.

Speaking of purposes, you suppose that's how you found yourself here. In your very own apartment in a nice complex on the east side. The east side of New York City.

There's a pair of satin curtains hung over the balcony doors, probably left behind by the old tenant as it's the only form of furniture in the whole apartment. They rustle in the morning breeze and you tiptoe across the room barefoot to rip them open, letting your eyes flutter shut when the early morning sun filters through the glass and cascades over your face like a warm embrace.

You press a hand to the glass, studying your reflection; the messy lump of hair atop your head, the soft shadow of your lashes atop your cheeks. And beyond it, New York. Your new normal in all it's familiar glory from your dreams, yet still so deliciously foreign it makes your heart leap whenever a cab horn rings out in the distance or you breathe in the smell of fresh bagels from the shop down the street.

Home. You could finally call it that now. But New York is just a city and this apartment is just a house. The real reason you get to call this place home is because of who you came here with.

Jungkook.

You've been dating for two and a half years by now. He let you borrow one of his old much-too-big t-shirts to sleep in last night. There's a hole in the shoulder and the hem brushes your knees but it's warm and smells like his cologne and your heart expands when you close your eyes and remember this is just the beginning. You have so much to do, so many things to see here in New York. So many things to learn. And there's nobody you would want to explore life with more than Jungkook.

His camera equipment lays in a cardboard box by your feet, and something compels you to take out the old-school camcorder he loves. The leather strap tightens perfectly around your hand and the red RECORD button flashes as you open the doors wide and lift the lens to take in the view. Something tells you you're gonna want to remember this moment forever.

It's not long before a pair of arms wrap around your waist, chin tucked cheekily into your shoulder. "There you are." Jungkook husks, stilly groggy with sleep as his lips ghost across your cheek.

Turning around in his grasp, you find him still shirtless, sweatpants slung low around his hips. He's been working out recently, and you can't deny you don't love how firm his shoulders feel when you brace yourself on them to stand on your tip toes and leave a peck to his lips.

"Morning sleepyhead," you say, running your fingers through the strands of his silky bed hair. It's longer these days, whispering across the nape of his neck and falling across his round eyes sweetly. They flutter closed when you massage his scalp just how he likes it. "I was wondering when you'd finally get out of bed."

"Missed you." His lips turn up when he sees the camera pointed at his face. "Whaddya doing with that?"

"Making memories." You say simply, zooming in on him as he rubs his sleepy eyes. "So we never forget this."

A cheeky smirk appears on his lips as he wraps you in his arms, a surprised giggle leaving you when he spins you around and grabs the camera so he can point it at the both of you, his chin resting on your shoulder now as his bare arm snugly wraps around your waist.

"Hey stop! I just woke up, I look bad!"

"Hello us of the future," Jungkook chuckles, pulling your fingers away from your face when you bury your face in his chest to hide from the lens. "It's our first day in New York and Y/N is being all camera shy--okay, okay fine, lets show them the view instead!"

Jungkook finally flips the lens around so it focuses on the distant silhouettes of tall skyscrapers skimming the blue skyline, before he turns it back onto you guys once more with a mischievous look this time.

"But we have to go now because we have far more interesting business to attend to..." He lowers the camera as his lips start to trail up your collar bone and he smiles when your eyes flutter shut and you gasp at the feeling, but it's quickly replaced by a pout when you wriggle out of his embrace with a stern look.

"Not now. Later."

"Mmf? Why?" He whines, making grabby hands towards you. "You're so warm, jus' wanna cuddle for a bit."

"No time!" You call over your shoulder as you grab him by the hand and drag his heavy feet behind you. "We've got an apartment to decorate."

Before you know it you've enlisted Jungkook's help in laying tarps across the living room floor, two pots of bright white paint plonked in the center. It's not like you could afford a decorator after all. You are two broke twenty-something's trying to make it big in New York, and all that cliche stuff. So you would just have to do it yourselves.

Jungkook's over in the corner, miming along to the guitar solo from some rock song playing from the radio balanced on the windowsill, the paint roller his instrument as he dances around the room with giddy impulse. There's paint all over his butt where he accidentally leaned against one of the wet walls and he's got his hair tied back into a bun at the crown of his head and you watch him out of the corner of your eye while an affectionate smile creeps onto your face no matter how hard you try to curb it.

That's when you notice the camera in his other hand. He zooms in on the stepladder in the corner, the paint spillage in the hall, the heart with Y/N + JUNGKOOK FOREVER written inside it on the back wall. Documenting everything as usual.

He was always filming you, too. Whether you were making coffee in the morning or drying your hair. He'd even slow down beside you on the sidewalk to get the perfect shot.

You find it cute, even though you pretend to hate it. It makes your heart flutter every time you catch him rewinding the footage with a contented smile on his face, like he just captured the whole world with his lens.

It's no surprise when you finish putting the final coat on the wall and step back to admire your handy work that you find him wandering around the apartment with his hand curved around the lens of one of his bigger cameras like it's natural to him. You always joke that thing is like an extra limb, but he looks so calm as he looks through his lens at the room that is now drunk on the afternoon sun pouring through the window, the golden rays like honey on his skin, that it's easy to see that the camera really is a part of him. Passion lies in the soft lines of concentration on his face, in the plump lip tugged between teeth as he fiddles with the settings.

Jungkook sees beauty where others don't, where others can't. It might as well pump through his veins. And it's one of the reasons you love him so much.

You shake your head when you see how a small smile finds his lips when he leans a shoulder against the door frame and lets the camera land on the thing he swears is most beautiful.

"Hey." You warn, shooting a side wards glare at the camera lens you spot Jungkook not so discreetly pointing in your direction. "Stop it."

"Stop what?" He runs a hand through his hair, lips pulling back into a sly bunny smile when you bend down to reach a spot you missed at the bottom of the wall. "I'm not doing anything."

Your upper lip twitches. "Are you zooming in on my ass?"

"What? No!" Jungkook scrunches his nose with wide eyes, a habit you knew meant he was guilty, a pout forming on your lips as he snaps the viewfinder closed and shoves the offending piece of his equipment behind his back.

You narrow your eyes affectionately. "Perv."

"I don't know what you're talking about." He blows a strand of hair out of his face innocently but there's a playful glint in his eyes and you can hardly keep a serious face as you plant your hands on your hips in what you hope is a menacing manner.

"Then lemme see it." You challenge with a nod to the camera behind him.

He feigns indifference, cocking his head to the side like an overgrown puppy. "See what?"

"That's it!" You shake your head, charging towards and him making grabby motions towards the camera. Jungkook looks down at you fondly as he holds it above your head, out of reach, and it only makes you you pout harder. "Hey! Give it!

"Never!" You jump pitifully, fingers grasping around nothing. A melodic chuckle spills from Jungkook's lips when you cross your arms over your chest in defeat and blink up at him crossly. "You have to say the magic word first."

You scoff at the teasing look on his face as he wiggles his eyebrows and waves the camera just above your head, before an idea strikes you and within seconds you're wielding a paintbrush, Jungkook's eyes widening when you point the paint coated bristles at his face.

"Give it up." You hold out your palm with a smug look. "Or the walls are not the only thing getting a fresh coat."

"You wouldn't." He smirks, despite being backed into a corner now.

"Oh yeah?" Without further ado you swipe the brush down the bridge of his nose, swallowing a giggle at the white smudge it leaves behind and his shocked expression beneath it. "You underestimate me, Jeon."

Jungkook pushes his tongue into his cheek, eyes dancing up and down your body before they lock with yours daringly. "You shouldn't have done that."

"Or what?" You taunt playfully, a laugh escaping you, but you quickly bite down on your lip when you see the glint in Jungkook's eyes as he submerges both his hands into the nearby bucket of paint.

You don't run when he steps closer. Instead your breathing quickens, heart doing a funny somersault when he brushes your hair to the side and clamps both of his wet hands on the sides of your jaw to bring your face up to his.

He tastes like coffee and desire when your lips crash together in a delicious tangle of teeth and tongue, all the thoughts racing through your mind dripping away like honey until all that's left is the thump of your heart against your chest and Jungkook's warmth as he backs you up against the wall.

When he pulls away he rubs his paint covered nose against yours, cocking his head and smiling sweetly when he leans back and admires his handy work.

"You have paint on your face." He looks down at his white hands innocently with a shrug. "Whoops?"

His hands trail down to your hips. You reach to your side and grab a fistful of paint, wiping it down the centre of his face and giggling when he groans and scrunches his eyes closed . "So do you."

"Okay, that's it. This means war!" Jungkook growls, strong arms wrapping around your waist, and before you know it you're stumbling over to the mattress in the corner, Jungkook's body hovering over yours.

"You wanna play dirty, huh?" Desire-filled eyes trace your face, travelling down the expanse of your neck before zeroing in on your collar bones. You gasp when Jungkook's lips attach themselves to the sensitive skin, every inch of you set alight when his burning fingers slide beneath the hem of your tshirt and find your thighs. "Always being such a bad girl, huh?"

"So? What're you gonna do about it? Punish me?" You say teasingly, and he stiffens, lips leaving a mark behind on your neck with a pop. Jungkook's narrowed eyes meet yours and you feel your heart speed up with anticipation.

His lips twitch, like they're dying to turn up. "Brat."

With that, you're being flipped over onto your knees with a yelp. Jungkook's hands work quickly and before you know it your tshirt is over your head and the sudden breeze from the open balcony doors against your hardened nipples makes you gasp.

"You love it." You laugh breathily.

"Too much," Jungkook confirms, before his large palm presses you down into the bed firmly between the shoulder blades so that your ass is thrust up in the air. You wiggle is teasingly, though the breath catches in your throat when the first spank lands on your bare skin. Then a second, the sound ringing out through the empty room like an echo and making a damp spot appear on your panties.

"Hey!" You chastise when you remember the paint on his hands that just left two glaring handprints right across your ass.

Jungkook just smirks. "What? Now everyone knows it's mine."

A third slap and you have to bite the blanket to stop from groaning, then a fourth, and a fifth and by then your eyes are watering but in the best way. Calloused hands smooth over the burning area, soothing it.

"Good girl," A raspy voice whispers next to your ear. "Such a good girl for me, taking your punishment. I think you deserve your reward now, hm?"

"Please." You moan as he reaches around to grasp your breast, tweaking your nipples in a way that has you writhing beneath him.

"Don't say I didn't warn you though," Jungkook chuckles as he rips your panties down your legs, gasping at the sight of your dripping slit like it's the first time. He runs a finger down your folds, biting back a groan when it makes your legs fall open a little further, desperate for his touch. "I'm not gonna go easy on you."

"Jungkook, what do you-- oh!." Before you can finish, Jungkook is pushing your face back into the comforter, spreading your cheeks with his palms and licking an agonizingly slow stripe up your throbbing core. His tongue finds your clit easily, toying it with the tip playfully until you're gasping for air.

"Mmf, tastes so good." He murmurs against your folds, the vibrations of his chuckle making you moan so hard your legs start to shake. His tongue finds your hole, swirling around teasingly before it slips inside and you can't handle it anymore.

"Jungkook!" You gasp, reaching behind to grab his hair. "I..I can't-"

"You can." He says, almost a command, mouth leaving your pussy only so he can slide over onto his back and pull you back down onto his face by the hips.

"Oh g-god!" Your hand reaches for the headboard, landing on the wall to steady yourself when you remember you still haven't bought a bed frame yet. Your legs are starting to ache from holding yourself up but you don't care, too lost in the feeling of Jungkook's tongue lapping at your swollen folds as you grind in lazy circles on his face.

"C-close, Kook." You manage to splutter, head thrown back with pleasure when he slides two of his fingers inside you and starts to pump in time with his tongue, the sensation of being filled enough to send you over the edge into a shuddering climax that is unlike anything you've felt before, the only thought on your mind the way your hole clenches around your boyfriend's fingers.

It takes a few moments for your legs to stop shaking, your hearing slowly coming back into focus as you hear both of your heavy breaths intermingled. You look between your legs to find Jungkook staring up at you with a grin, eyes filled with wonder. His chin gleams with your juices, the front of his t-shirt damp as you realise with a gasp what just happened.

"Did I--?"

"Yup."

"Holy fuck." You swing your leg over his shoulder so you're beside him, Jungkook sitting up to look at you, still mesmerised. "I...I'm sorry, that was--"

"The hottest thing you've ever done." Jungkook finishes, grinning at you like he just won the lottery.

You raise a brow, surprised. "Really?"

"Yeah. Can I fuck you now?"

You can't help but laugh at his eager puppy dog eyes, hands practically twitching at his sides to touch you. A quick glance at his crotch confirms the biggest tent in his pants you've ever seen, and you crook a finger towards him with a sultry smile and a nod.

"Let's see if you can make me do that again."

"O-Okay!" Jungkook pulls his shirt over his head eagerly, and then he's on top of you, burning skin meeting burning skin. Your palm runs down his chest, Jungkook's eyes falling shut when it reaches the hem of his sweatpants. You cant help but gasp when your fingers wrap around his length through his boxers, core already throbbing again to be filled. He shivers when your finger circles his tip, admiring the wet patch on his boxers.

"Eager?" You smirk.

"You squirted on my face, Y/N, of course I'm goddamn eager."

"Get these off then." You tug at his pants and he kicks them off without a second telling.

"Your wish is my command."

When he returns to hovering over you, both completely bare now, he pauses. His eyes meet yours, a gentle smile appearing on his lips as he tucks a stray piece of hair behind your ear and grips your jaw protectively.

"I love you, y'know."

You close the distance between you, pressing your lips against his but barely able to keep yourself from grinning with the elation swirling in your chest. "I love you too, doofus. Now hurry up or I'm gonna have to fuck myself."

"That sounds kinda awesome--"

"Kook!"

"Okay, okay, on it!"

Palms spread your legs, and you both gasp when Jungkook runs the blunt head of his leaking cock up and down your slit, coating himself in your juices before he lines it up with your entrance.

"Ready?" He checks, thumb tracing circles into your inner thigh.

"As I'll ever be."

And with that, he pushes inside, his head falling into the crook of your neck with a sigh of relief at finally feeling your walls clenching around his throbbing length. The stretch of his girth stings, but it makes you feel so deliciously full, so perfectly whole to be connected to Jungkook like this that all you can get out is another soft I love you that earns a blissful smile from your boyfriend as he starts to move.

Each stroke makes you lose your breath, the tip of his cock hitting your sweet spot just right. It's when Jungkook takes your nipple into his mouth that you feel a second orgasm start to build, one hand gripping the sheets as the other drags scratch marks down his muscular back in blissful agony.

It's not long before Jungkook spills inside you with a deep growl, your own high hitting you as you feel him coat your walls. He collapses onto your chest, breaths deep and exhausted, and wraps you in his arms before you can even catch your breath.

Jungkook pulls the sheets up over your shoulders and places a kiss to the top of your head. He's so warm you feel yourself start to drift off into a blissful sleep, the smile on your lips never faltering.

"I love you too." Is the last thing you hear him say before sleep takes you under, and you're safe wrapped up in each other's arms.

When you open your eyes, the room is warm with sunset's rose tinted blush, and Jungkook's body is no longer beside you. Rubbing your bleary eyes, you sit up on your elbow and find him on the ground in front of the freshly painted wall, intricate petals and stems flowing from the end of the paintbrush he delicately waves across the surface to paint the prettiest sunflower you've ever seen.

"I'm home!" You hear your boyfriend yell out as he shuffles into the apartment, quickly followed by a yelp. "Hey, Gureum, stop trying to lick my face!"

You can't stop the smile that spreads across your features when a ball of white fluff comes bounding into the living room, the puppy that excitedly jumps into your arms tracking a trail of muddy paw prints over the script in your hands.

"Hey Gureum," You coo, scratching him behind the ears where you know his sweet spot is. "You're such a good boy, huh?"

"Don't praise him! He totally ran away from me in Central Park and I had to chase him all the way home!" You can practically hear Jungkook's eye roll, shaking your head fondly at the mock annoyance in his voice. It was Jungkook who begged you to adopt a puppy for months in the first place, and they've been more or less inseparable ever since — the little guy hardly ever leaves his side. It's safe to say Jungkook is definitely Gureum's favourite.

The smell of coffee and fresh bagels wafts through the apartment, a warm sensation settling in your stomach as your boyfriend rounds the corner and waves a brown paper bag.

"Still got us enough coffee to stay up all night learning lines though." Jungkook grins, dumping the contents onto the coffee table and raising his eyebrows when your hands dart straight for the chocolate cookies. "Speaking of learning lines, how is it going, pretty?"

He nods towards the script in your hand. It's worn at the edges and ferociously dog eared from all the nights you have stayed up until sunrise reciting the words littered across the pages over and over, until it's like your lips are moving by muscle memory and the words are a part of you.

After what felt like hundreds of failed auditions, you had started to lose hope. With every letter that landed on the porch with another SORRY or MAYBE NEXT TIME, you felt all the confidence in the dream you worked so hard to uncover start to dwindle.

But Jungkook was always there, by your side no matter what. Encouraging you when you forgot your lines or holding you when you didn't get the callback. Reminding you to eat whenever you were too absorbed in your work to cook or cheering you on from the crowd at your weekly improv performances.

It was Jungkook who cried with you when the director of the small theatre downtown called and gave you the lead part in his upcoming stage production. Your big break. And you were determined to make sure everything ran smoothly at opening night tomorrow, which is how you find yourself snuggled up on the couch rewinding your VHS copy of Dirty Dancing over and over again until you have every word memorised by heart.

"Pretty good." You say as you pop a salted peanut into your mouth while Jungkook slips out of his tweed jacket. He's been trying to dress more New-York-ish these days, or so he says. More dress pants and less sweats. "Final rehearsals start at five."

"Aren't you nervous?" Jungkook squishes into the space beside you, Gureum cuddling up between your bodies.

Tomorrow night's show is sold out, along with every night after that for the next week. You heard there were going to be at least 700 people there each night.

"Terribly." You admit, stomach churning at the thought of 700 pairs of eyes staring right at you. You try to focus on the fizzing excitement that lingers there too, growing stronger and stronger. "But I think I'm more excited".

"I'm excited to see you up there doing what you love." Jungkook smiles, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. "My star."

"Well don't get too excited because I still keep messing up this one goddamn scene," You flip the script to a page covered in bright highlighter scribbles and run your fingers through your hair exasperatedly. "I'm totally gonna mess it up and then I'll never get another job and—"

"Shhh," Jungkook takes the script from your hands and runs his eyes over it quickly. "Don't talk like that. You're gonna be amazing — hold up..." He raises an eyebrow. "Is this...the kiss scene?"

You feel your cheeks redden, voice small. "Yes."

"Then you're in luck because who better to help you practice than the best kisser in all of New York?"

You snort. "Wow, I sure could use some of your expertise Good-Sir-Makes-Out-A-Lot."

"Then you're in the right place..." He runs his finger over the script, jabbing at one line in particular.

[Johnny and Baby kiss.]

"Let's start here, hm? For practice, obviously."

"For practice." Your eyes roll but your heart still beats a little faster as he closes the space between you, hand pressing into the wall so his sturdy body hovers over yours, hands instinctively pulling him closer by the collar.

"Come give me a kiss, m'lady..." Jungkook murmurs, but before he can tilt your chin up towards his lips there's a sudden series of frantic knocks at the front door.

"What the heck?"

You both jump out of your skin, Jungkook's eyes narrowing as he glances over his shoulder at the shadowy figure outside, fist pounding the glass fervently, like they're trying to break it down.

"Okay, damn, I'm coming!" He yells with a roll of his eyes. He wraps the blanket around your shoulders as he hops up from the couch with a sigh. "Probably just some dumb marketer again or something — dude, chill! I said I'm coming! — be right back."

The lock slides open and you hear Jungkook gasp. Your stomach drops. "Who is it?"

"Uh, Y/N..." You hear the door click shut and the sound of squeaky shoes shuffling inside. The anxiety in Jungkook's voice makes your heart skip. "You might wanna come see this."

"Huh?" Your legs feel shaky as you follow him out into the hall, chest seizing when you lay eyes on the dripping wet hair and chattering teeth of the shivering man stood before you, eyes dark and grave like they used to be.

"Taehyung?" You splutter, ripping the blanket from around your shoulders and swaddling him in it as quickly as you can, Jungkook already bounding into the other room to get dry clothes and towels after shooting you a terrified glance.

Taehyung grabs your shoulders and pulls you into a tight embrace. His cheeks are wet against your shoulder, but you can't tell if it's because he's been crying or because he's been out in the freezing cold rain — hold on, did he walk here?

"Y/N," He murmurs frantically, eyes darting back and forth but never quite focusing on anything. You knew this look. This is how he looked that day you found out about the accident. Murky, far far away. Devastatingly sad. Something wasn't right.

"What is it?" You ask, pulling him into the living room and sitting him on the couch before his shaking knees buckle beneath him. "What are you doing here, Tae?"

"It's...it's the Crestmont." He whispers.

"What about the Crestmont?" Jungkook appears behind Taehyung, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, but it's like your brother doesn't even feel it.

"They're tearing it down." He mumbles. "They're tearing down the Crestmont. Forever."

"Okay, now let's start from the beginning."

Jungkook's calm voice lilts from beside Taehyung who, after a warm shower and two cups of cocoa, has stopped shivering and seems to be ready to talk.

A hand reaches across the coffee table to tug on your wrist mid-lift to your mouth, a reminder from Jungkook to stop biting your nails. An old nervous habit you thought you'd left behind in Ocean City but apparently more than just Taehyung showed up here unannounced tonight.

"I...I got a call this morning." Taehyung begins, pausing to take a sip from the mug he cradles in his lap. His hands are shaking so he places it on the coffee table for safe keeping, right beside your discarded script. "It was from a construction company."

"And?" You prod, somewhat impatiently, making Taehyung jump.

"And apparently the owner of the theatre is behind on rent and...and..." He swallows hard. "And they're buying the rights to tear it down and build an apartment complex in its place."

"What?" Both you and Jungkook exclaim at the same time.

Jungkook's fists clench. "I always knew that old man was shady."

Taehyung fumbles in the pocket of the coat he arrived with, retrieving a brochure which he thrusts towards you.

The image on the front is of a metal skyscraper, far too shiny and new to belong in a seaside town like Ocean City. Fusion Apartments — modern living.

Jungkook rakes a hand through his hair, eyes sorrowful as you pass it over to him. "This sucks. Big time." He murmurs. "The Crestmont is the heart of Ocean City. How can they just bulldoze it like it means nothing?"

"That's why..." Taehyung swallows. "That's why I came here. I thought maybe you guys could help me, and we could do something before they—"

"We?" You furrow your brows. "You want us to help stop them from tearing down the Crestmont?"

"I mean yeah, I guess? I figured you guys would understand how important it is—"

You bite your lip. Taehyung flinches when you place a hand on his knee. "Tae. It seems like they've already got it figured out I mean...what can we do about it? The Crestmont has had a long run and maybe it's time for something new in Ocean City..."

"Y/N?" Jungkook warns, but there's a betrayal in his voice. How could you say that? It pains you, but you continue anyway. "What are you saying?"

"I just...I think it's time to let the Crestmont go."

Taehyung stands up so abruptly his mug smashes onto the marble tile.

"How could you?" He roars, but his bottom lip trembles. "The Crestmont is mom's place! It's all we have left of her in that fucking town and you want to just let them burn it to the ground?"

You tut, kneeling to pick up the broken pieces of china with a sharp glance at your brother. "For goodness sake, Taehyung. Mom isn't there anymore. She never was. She was always running off with some roadies and leaving us behind because she thought she was something special."

Taehyung scoffs. "What? Just like you?" He grabs the cocoa sodden script, crumpling it up in his shaking fist. "You are exactly the same as her. Running off to New York and leaving me behind to get your big break."

Jungkook steps forward warily. "Taehyung, you don't mean that—"

"Yes I do! If Y/N had just gotten in the car that day she wouldn't have died. It was all her fault. And now she's just gonna let them take what we have left of her."

"What?" Jungkook blinks.

Your stomach sinks. Is that really what Taehyung thinks? You wouldn't blame him. Deep down, his words strike a nerve. Because you know they're true.

Taehyung's eyes are hazy, unfocused. You reach for him dizzily, but he backs away into the hall.

"I shouldn't have come here." Taehyung whispers. He looks between you and Jungkook one last time before he's grabbing his coat and running down the steps to the first floor.

"Taehyung, wait!" You hear Jungkook's footsteps follow him out into the stairwell, but you're trapped on the ground, heaving for air.

Your hands shake as you pull yourself up to the window pane and watch Taehyung disappear into the gloom of the city, the sorrowful raindrops that lash against the glass mirroring the ones on your cheeks.

YOU: Taehyung??? YOU: [CALL IGNORED] YOU: please Tae YOU: can we at least talk about this? YOU: we're worried about you

It's been nearly 12 hours since you watched Taehyung disappear among the hustle and bustle of New York from your apartment window.

You and Jungkook were out all night searching for him. By the time you gave up the sun was rising and the birds were chirping and Jungkook somehow convinced your shivering form to return home to rest with a Taehyung shaped hole in your heart.

"It'll be okay. He'll be okay. He always is."

A phone call to your dad revealed he hadn't returned home that night; so where did he go exactly?

The weight of that question sits heavy in your chest as you sit backstage at the theatre, staring into your own vacant eyes in the dressing room mirror.

It's opening night. The show is due to start in fifteen minutes. Your lips are painted a deep shade of red, hair backcombed to perfection by one of the makeup artists. Beneath the harsh lights of the exposed bulbs that line the mirror, you look almost unrecognisable.

Confident, strong, successful.

Anyone would say your dreams had come true, or something sappy to that effect. But even as you sit among the hustle and bustle of the costume team and breathe in the fragrance of perfume and powder blush, you couldn't feel further away from the New York version of yourself if you tried.

Staring back at you is a reflection of the shy, terrified girl from Ocean City you worked so hard to forget. Yet here she is, mind whirring with worries for her brother instead of the lines she should be rehearsing to death before curtain call.

This should be your big moment. One which you will remember forever. But all you want to do right now is hold Taehyung close like you used to and tell him you're sorry and that you won't leave him again.

"Y/N!" You're snapped out of your thoughts by a familiar hand on your shoulder. You cover it with your own, instantly eased somewhat when you glance up and lock eyes with Jungkook in the mirror.

"Y/N, I found him."

"What?!" You jump to your feet, chair scraping obscenely. It draws the eyes of the people around you who quickly register Jungkook's polite smile as their cue to shuffle out of the dressing room and leave you two to talk. "Where is he? I need to talk to him—"

"He's not coming."

"What?"

Jungkook sinks into the chair beside you, forehead creased. He runs a hand through his hair and momentarily you catch a glimpse of the old Jungkook. The Jungkook that always took care of his best friend Taehyung.

"I...I gave him a ticket for the show tonight and told him to come. To see how much this really means to you...but—"

Your finger nails press half moons into your palms. "But what, Kook?"

"He was already leaving for Ocean City."

A sob wracks your frame. "Do you think he hates me?"

Jungkook's arms engulf you before the first tear can roll down your cheek, his chin tucking perfectly into the cleft of your shoulder. "Of course not, he's just...he's hurting right now."

"I can't lose him — not like this, Kook..."

"Shh. It'll all be okay."

You jump back and start to pace. "But it's not okay! What he said last night is true!"

Jungkook sucks in a breath. "What?"

Your knees buckle and you crumple. You can hardly breathe, shame washing over you as you admit the truth for the first time.

"I caused the accident! I'm the reason my mom's...she's..."

Jungkook wraps his arm around your shoulder, voice soothing. "What are you talking about?"

"The night of the accident she got a call from some big buck director. She was cast in this huge movie. Her big break." You're speaking to fast, but Jungkook nods to tell you he's listening.

"So she told Taehyung and I we were leaving for New York that night. And we were packing our bags before my dad got home and...and I said I wasn't coming. I didn't wanna leave Ocean City behind."

"I kicked and cried and said I didn't want to go, so her and Taehyung took off by themselves and that's when they got into the crash. She was upset and going too fast. It was all because of me." You start to sob. You've never admitted this to anyone before. Not even yourself. It tears your heart in two to say it out loud. "I'm the reason Taehyung's broken."

"You can't think like that." Jungkook clasps your face in his hands, thumb wiping away a stray tear. He looks scared, but his voice stays calm and convincing. "What happened was an accident. You were a kid. None of this is your fault."

"That's why Taehyung must hate me so much." You choke. "I'm doing what mom always wanted to, but she never had the chance because of me."

"Y/N?" A crew member steps into the room awkwardly with a cough. "I'm sorry to interrupt but the show is about to start. The audience is getting restless."

"Go. I'll take care of Taehyung, okay?" Jungkook pulls you to your feet, engulfing you in a final hug before he pushes you towards the stage entrance at the small of your back. "You're needed out there. Show them what you're made of."

Your eyes widen. This can't be happening. Not now.

"I...I can't."

"You can." Jungkook grabs your face and captures your lips, hard. It tastes salty with tears. "You're my star remember?"

"I love you." You whisper when you pull back, fingers reaching for him weakly as a costume designer hurries you towards the door.

"I love you too." Jungkook calls. His smile is the last thing you see before the door slams shut and there's no going back. "Now go break a leg, pretty!"

Particles of dust float in and out of your vision beneath the blinding stage lights.

Everything feels different from side stage. Your heart races as you press your ear to the velvet curtain separating you from the world, listening to the hubbub of laughing children and chattering adults filtering into the theatre. You imagine them taking their seats, buying icecream from the vendors, alive with anticipation.

The lights dim. You hear the director behind you, shouting something about places please! but it's like you're underwater, limbs weighted as you move like a ghost to your position for the opening number.

Your palms are clammy and you wipe them on your dress.

Show starting in 5...

Your legs turn to jelly. You close your eyes and try to calm your racing thoughts.

4...

Taehyung. Is he okay? Why didn't he come tonight?

3...

Shit! What was your opening line again? Goddamnit, Y/N, think!

2...

Mom. Would she be proud?

1...

You open your eyes.

The curtain is gone, and a pair of hands pushes you out into the harsh white spotlight. You shield your eyes with your fingers, heart dropping when you look up and find hundreds of eyes staring. Staring right at you.

It's like you're on the edge of a cliff, about to dive into the cool water below. Or fall.

Everything starts to blur. You're a teenager again, stood on the stage at the Crestmont. Panic rises like bile in your throat, and you don't know whether to scream or to run.

Run. Run. Run.

Your mouth opens, then closes. There's an awkward cough from the audience. Words run your mind in circles, but none of them are right, and before they can reach your lips they evaporate on your tongue.

Your panicked eyes roam the sea of seats that zoom in and out of focus. Your knees buckle, and you're sure you are going to pass out right here in front of everyone, but then your eyes meet a familiar pair of brown ones that makes the room stop spinning for a moment.

Jungkook. He's smiling at you, fingers crossed in his lap. There's not a trace of nerves in his gaze as he nods for you to go ahead.

I believe in you.

Just then the door to the theatre flies open and every head in the audience turns towards the darkly clothed figure shuffling through the aisles, mumbling sorry's and excuse me's until he reaches the empty seat beside your boyfriend.

He lets down his hood, shakes free a head of blonde hair that's still damp from the rain. He's out of breath, like he ran here.

Taehyung.

Your brother looks up at you, frozen in place, and his eyes soften. He flashes you a thumbs up and his lips curl around the four words you needed to hear.

You can do this.

And just like that, the panic disappears. The words come flooding back, and your body flies into action, moving across the stage

You forget all about the fear, and the anxiety, and Taehyung and the Crestmont. For now it's just you and the stage, together in harmony.

And you've never felt more alive than when you take your final bow and the crowd roars to life, just like you always imagined it would.

Your jaw hurts from smiling, and before you know it you're crying. Because when you squint against the theatre lights, you see Taehyung and Jungkook in the front row, holding each other and shouting your name.

Y/N! Y/N! Y/N!

"Hey! Be careful!"

The bouquet of congratulatory geraniums cradled in your arms gets crushed between your body and your brother's. He practically tackled you as soon as you entered the dressing room, carried on the cheering shoulders of the other cast and crew members.

"Holy shit." Taehyung holds you at arms length. His eyes are ringed red around the edges. "You were amazing, Y/N."

"You really think so?" Tears start to well and you're so happy to see him that you throw your arms around his waist. "I'm so glad you came, Tae."

"Yeah. You were just like her." He smiles. "Just like mom."

You share a small, sad smile. You've heard those words all your life but it feels different when it comes from Taehyung.

Jungkook pops his head into the room. He catches your eye over Taehyung's shoulder, and flashes you a small smile when he sees you cradling him in your arms.

Talk to him. He mouths, and you're suddenly reminded of why Taehyung came here in the first place.

"Hey listen—"

"Taehyung—"

You both start to talk, bursting into easy laughter when the other stops, seemingly hit with the same idea at the same time.

"You go first." You smile, encouragingly.

"Okay." He pulls you over to the couch. "I'm just...I'm sorry for storming out last night. I shouldn't have come here and expected you to help me—"

"No, stop. I'm sorry." You place a hand over his. "I want to help." You hold an arm out to Jungkook, who crosses the room and slides his hand into yours. "We want to help. We want to save the Crestmont."

Taehyung's eyes bulge. His voice drops to a whisper. "Really?"

"You were right. The Crestmont was mom's place."

You think about how it felt to be out there on the stage, in front of a crowd cheering your name. The excitement, the exhilaration. Your first stage.

The Crestmont is your mom's first stage. It's where she felt those same emotions for the first time. You can't let it be demolished. Not for anything.

"She deserves a legacy. We can't let them tear it down. I don't know how yet, but we'll save it."

"Thank you." A tear streaks his cheek, and his arms pull you and Jungkook into a tight bear hug.

"Thank you. For showing me what really matters, Tae." You whisper. "Let's do this together, okay?"

"For mom."

Taehyung holds out his pinky finger, and you link yours with his.

"For mom."

Where things go wrong.

Six months later.

Every second that passes is marked by a deafening tick from the kitchen clock.

Jungkook was supposed to be home 10 minutes ago. You're sat alone at the dinner table, a carefully presented meal for two spread across your mom's old polka dot table cloth. You even lit candles.

With a sigh you drop your chin into your hand, absentmindedly pushing your spaghetti around the dish while your eyes remain trained to the front door that will open any moment.

To be honest, it's been months since you and Jungkook shared a meal together. He spends most of his nights in his office, hunched over his laptop staring at the blinking cursor on some script he'll never finish. And ever since Jungkook's big script got rejected and he fell into a slump of no work, he had to get a job at a local convenience store all day for some spare cash to get you through the month.

You know he hates it. He hates the rude customers and how he can never shower the smell of grease out of his hair.

You know the bickering that turned into arguing that turned into fighting was just a result of his restless aggravation at being shot down too many times. Of watching his dream slip right through his fingers.

But you haven't exactly been as understanding as you should have been. You're overworked too, with the play, and The Crestmont, and you hate how easy it was to accept sleeping apart and missing dinner dates.

So you texted him to tell him you were making dinner tonight. A cease fire of sorts, or maybe just a feeble attempt at glueing back together the cracks that have appeared between you recently with pasta sauce and meatballs.

But he's late. Again.

And it makes you wonder whether there was any point in trying.

"Y/N?"

A gravelly voice jolts you out of your thoughts. Keys jangle onto the counter, shoes are slipped from feet and thrown into the storage cupboard with the creaky door.

"I'm in here." Your voice sounds meek, but you straighten and muster up a smile. To show at least one of you is making an effort.

Jungkook appears in the doorway, clad in his ugly traffic cone orange uniform. His shoulders are slumped, bangs limply stuck to his forehead. He looks tired, exhausted.

"What's all this?" He nods disinterestedly towards your untouched homemade buffet before heading to the sink to fix himself a glass of water.

"Dinner." You cough. He stiffens. "Remember?"

"Oh." He scratches the back of his neck. His eyes flash with something close to guilt momentarily, but then he smoothes it out. "Yeah. Dinner."

"It's okay, you're not too late. We can just heat this up in the microwave—"

"I already ate, Y/N." The glass in his hand slams onto the counter a little too loudly. "At the store."

You can't hide the way your face drops.

"Please." You whisper. "For me?"

Jungkook stares at you for a few seconds, unblinking, before he exhales shakily and pulls out the seat opposite you.

"What's on the menu?" He asks, hands already grabbing for the bottle of red wine in the middle of the table without so much as a glance at the food you worked so hard to prepare.

"Pasta."

"Right."

An uncomfortable silence settles. Jungkook nibbles at a meatball, and you suddenly feel too sick to the stomach to keep anything down.

You jump when Jungkook's fork clatters to the table. He wipes pasta sauce from the corners of his mouth with a napkin and you're sure you can see a slight tremor in his grasp.

"There's something I need to tell you."

His words ring out into the deafening silence that shrouds the apartment. You train your eyes to the candle in the middle of the table that flickers back and forth and carefully place down your own cutlery.

"Should I be worried?"

"No...I mean, I don't know. Maybe." Jungkook waves his hands around and when his eyes meet yours they're distant. Like the table that separates you spans oceans. "Just promise not to freak out."

"I'm not promising anything. Why are you looking at me like that?"

He shifts and the cheap flat pack dining chairs you bought when you moved in creak like they always do. "I...I got a movie deal. They loved the script I told them I've been working on and they want me to direct it."

Your heart fills with something sweet; pride. Even despite your downs recently this is still incredible news. You knew your boyfriend should be ecstatic...so why is he staring intently at the table cloth like it killed his whole family? "That's awesome, Kook. So what's the problem?"

"I gave them a different script."

Something shifts in the air. You hold your breath.

"Huh?"

"The script. The one you told me to burn before we came to New York. The one about you...your life."

Your blood runs cold and it's like your frozen. Just searching through the never ending blackness behind Jungkook's eyes that fails to falter, no matter how hard you pinch your inner thigh and hope you're about to wake up from a bad dream.

"You wouldn't." Your voice sounds strained and Jungkook doesn't even flinch. "You...I don't believe you."

"I'm sorry." He runs an exasperated hand through his hair. "It's just that they hated the first one and I wanted this deal so bad. It's a once in a lifetime chance Y/N, don't you see?"

The boy staring back at you isn't the sweet and sensitive Jungkook from Ocean City or the strong and passionate man from New York. His words get all mixed up in your head as you repeat them over and over and it's as if you don't even know him at all. All you can feel now is betrayal. And just like that all the anger that has been building inside you for months explodes.

"So my life is just a fucking plot for one of your indie movies, Jungkook?"

"It's always your life isn't it? Never mine." He slams his hands on the table hard enough to make your insides shake. "Ever since we came to New York I've supported you, sat back and watched as you achieved all your dreams. And it hurts, Y/N. To come home from my dead end job, and write another goddamn script that nobody wants to even read."

"I came to New York because of you!" You don't even realise you're crying until you taste the hot salty tears that won't seem to stop. "I came here so you could make it big! You're the one who encouraged me to audition for the play in the first place!"

"God, are you really that naive? Don't you see? I came to New York because I saw how much it meant to you." Jungkook lowers his voice, and there's something in his words that makes your heart twist. Pain. His eyes look watery and you long to reach out for him. Like the skin on skin contact will somehow make all of this okay. "And not once have you ever considered how it might feel for me to sit back in your shadow."

"So that's what this is? Jealousy?" You shake your head and get up from the table and turn to leave, but Jungkook grasps your wrist.

"Why can't you be happy for me?"

"I am happy for you Jungkook. And I always will be." Your heart softens and you're reminded of the boyfriend you know. The boyfriend you love. You want to believe he's in there somewhere so you place your hand over his, and for a second he looks hopeful. "But this was never your story to tell. That's what hurts."

He drops your arm, gaze cold and distant. "Then I guess that's it then."

"What?"

The room starts to spin.

"If you can't accept my decision to go ahead with the project then I guess we can't do this anymore."

"This?" You whisper.

"Us."

"Jungkook...Are you saying we're over?"

He drops his head into his hands and lets out a sigh. "Maybe. I don't know."

"You don't know?" You chuckle but it's hollow, empty. "You don't know if you love me any more?"

Jungkook's face drops and he lurches towards you, but you step back.

"No, shit Y/N I didn't mean it like that!" He looks scared. "I was just angry and it slipped out."

"Don't." His arms reach for you again but the brush of his fingertips feels scalding hot, wrong. "Don't fucking touch me."

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't lie to me Jungkook." Your vision is blurred with tears as you rip open the closet and yank out a suitcase. "You're not sorry. I was never your muse. I was just a stepping stool to the top."

"Where are you going?" Jungkook's crying now too. It comes out as a sob.

"Home." You say as you rip open your shared closet door and start throwing your things into the case. "I'm going home. Where I belong."

"I can't lose you like this. Please." He reaches for your wrist again but you're already half way to the door.

"Too late." You say. "I'm going home. And I'm never coming back."

The familiar scent of burned popcorn and candyfloss soothes you as you creep through the backdoor of the Crestmont. It always had a broken hinge which opened just enough for a body to squeeze through. Seems not a lot has changed since you left Ocean City.

It's dark inside. Silent too, without the popcorn machine running and the movie trailers playing on LED screens. You don't know what you expected. It's gone midnight by the time you get back to Ocean City, but you don't want to go home just yet.

Comfort washes over you as you run your fingers over the gilded edges of the counter, and slip beneath the hatch on auto pilot. It feels strange to be back here without the starched shirt and bow tie you used to hate. You've swapped out worn sneakers for heels that click against the tiles and you've performed on stages for crowd's bigger than the Crestmont's but here and now, you feel like yourself. Even though everything in your life has changed, you're still the same small town girl underneath it all.

Without thinking your legs carry you to the wall of fame. The faces smile up at you, like they're saying welcome back.

"Hey mom," You whisper, stopping momentarily in front of her portrait. You stared at it for so long as a kid that you have every detail committed to memory but seeing it up this close makes your breath hitch. "It's me."

With a sigh you force yourself past into the hall. Your hands tremble as you push open the door to the theatre. It's just how you remember it, sparkling gold and red velvet and mystery. But there's yellow tape strung up across all the seats and a sign has been propped up on the stage, red glaring letters burning a hole in your heart as you read them.

DANGER. DUE FOR DEMOLISHMENT. STAY AWAY.

All you can do is let your legs buckle, back sliding down the wall as you hug your knees to your chest and let out a throaty sob that echoes from the high ceiling.

When did everything go so wrong? You must be cursed. Everything you touch gets destroyed.

"Y/N?"

The lights flicker on, bathing the room in a soft golden glow. You wipe your tears, but that doesn't stop them from coming.

"Over here."

Your voice is small but a few seconds later Taehyung's face appears from behind one of the velvet seats. His eyes soften when he sees you curled up in the corner.

"What are you doing down here?" He clambers over the seat to join you, his long legs folded awkwardly in the small space.

"Having a one man party." You snort and point to your tear stained cheeks.

"Are you okay?" His hand covers yours and the contact makes you jump.

"Yes..." You sniff. He raises a brow. "No. Jungkook broke up with me."

Taehyung chokes. "What?!"

"I mean, we fought and then he...he said we were over." Your heart stabs painfully but you shrug. "So I came here. Didn't know where else to go."

He places an encouraging hand on your shoulder. "Listen...I know I haven't always been there for you when I should've. Hell, you always took care of me and I never even asked how you were doing." He offers a small smile. "But I'm here now. And you can tell me anything. If...if you want to."

A few seconds tick by in silence. You try to form a sentence but everything just comes back to the same three words.

"I miss mom." You blurt.

It echoes through the theatre, and you can practically hear the mermaids and the cupids painted on the ceiling gasp. It surprises you too, the combination of grief and relief that washes over you at finally admitting it.

"I know." Taehyung pulls you into his chest, lips whispering against your hair as you let out a sob and it's like all the sadness and denial is rushing out of you like a faucet, filling the whole room up like a water tank. You're terrified of the moment it gets too full, and you stop being able to breathe. "But you're a lot like her, y'know."

"That's exactly the problem!" Your words come out as a yell and it makes you both jump. "Everyone always says I look like her, I talk like her, I act like her. And I hated it for the longest time because I hated her for leaving us!"

"But without even realising it I became her, Tae. I did what I always said I wouldn't and became selfish. I hurt you, and Jungkook and even the Crestmont."

"That's not true."

"It is! And the worst part is I don't even hate her any more. I need her. To hold me, and tell me it's going to be alright. But she isn't here!"

"What does this have to do with Jungkook?"

"Jungkook wrote a script. A long time ago. About mom. And you and I. And everything that happened." You swallow, Taehyung's eyebrow raises though he doesn't look at all surprised by this information, nor as horrified as you that a record of your bleak shortcomings exists for anyone to read. "He got a movie deal. That's why we fought."

Taehyung hums. "You don't want him to make the movie?"

"It's not that I...I want to be happy for him. But I can't." You choke. "It's too painful. Remembering."

Accepting.

"When I said you were a lot like mom, I meant that you are headstrong." Taehyung pauses. "I felt that way once too. Like I hated mom and the goddamn world for taking her too soon. But in the end, the only person I hated was myself. Like however hard I tried I could never get over her, and all the pain I was pushing down into a dark place kept taunting me through the nightmares." He shivers, and you grip his hand tighter. "But one day I realised I don't have to be afraid of that pain any more. That pain is a part of me. But that doesn't mean I have to let it win."

"So what did you do?"

"I let myself feel it . I faced it. The only way I could let mom go was to stop running away." He pats your shoulder. "You need to set the girl in that script free, so you can move on."

And just like that, you're swimming...up, up, up, until you reach the surface of the water tank and you can take a heaving breath for the first time.

You throw your arms around his neck. It feels weird to hug him like this, but it's nice. "I missed you, Tae. Thank you.”

"I didn't do anything." He says. "The strength is inside you, you just need to find it. Just like you need to stop holding on to the past and let the new you shine for once."

You shake your head. "I need to talk to Jungkook. I don't know why I stormed off like that and..." You trail off. "Wait, how did you know I was here?"

Taehyung grins. "I didn't. I got called in to sort some paperwork and I noticed the back door ajar. Good thing it was you and not some crazy with a baseball bat, right?"

"At this time?" You nod to his still pyjama clad state. "Is it important?"

"Y/N," He laughs lightly. There's excitement shining in his eyes. "Someone just bought the Crestmont."

You scramble to your knees. "What?"

"We're staying open, and I get to keep my job."

And then you're hugging again, and laughing and crying because the Crestmont is going to be okay. You're going to be okay.

"That's incredible, Tae! Who is it? Who bought the Crestmont?"

"I don't know, it was an anonymous transaction. But the guy said he would be here...." He glances at his wrist watch, and as he does, the door creaks open. "Around now."

"Hello? Anyone here?" A familiar voice calls out.

"Jungkook?" Both of your jaws drop as you poke up from behind the seats. Sure enough your heart flutters when you see him, all wind swept and out of breath like he ran here.

"I thought you might be here." He scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. "Can we talk?"

The car ride to the pier was mostly silent. Jungkook borrowed his dad's old beat up truck -- it was that or his old bike with the pegs on the back -- and it still smelled like leather and petrol like it used to.

Everything about Ocean City is the same as you remember it. The pier stands strong atop the rocky sand, sea air deliciously fresh as it fills your lungs. The rolling waves shimmer like gold dust below the wisps of pink clouds that greet the rising sun. The beach is a peaceful view at this time. No tourists, all of yesterdays sandcastles swallowed by the sea spray. It took a couple hours to work through the paperwork so by now it's early morning — 5:30am according to your phone lockscreen.

It's chilly, and your skin is covered with goose bumps even despite Jungkook's suede jacket wrapped loosely around your shoulders. But you don't mind.

You've missed this. You've missed Ocean City.

"No ice cream, I'm afraid." The breeze ruffles Jungkook's hair as he emerges from the fairground and settles beside you with his legs poking through the rails. He flashes you an apologetic smile. "I guess the parlour doesn't open until 9..."

You feel a pang in your chest. Being here is like a serious case of deja vu. Countless hours spent in this very spot, eating vanilla scoops with rainbow sprinkles beside Jungkook used to be so normal. When did you grow so far apart that you're surprised he even remembers?

"Jungkook..." You swallow hard when you meet his eyes, hands longing to reach out and stroke the stream of sunrise on his cheek that makes his dark eyes sparkle. "We...we need to talk. About everything."

There's a moment of silence filled only by the calls of seagulls greeting the morning before he speaks. "I sold the script."

He sounds nervous. Like he's not quite sure what your reaction will be.

You swallow. "And you used the money to buy the Crestmont?"

"Yeah." He says matter of factly, scratching a phantom itch at his nape. "I guess I did."

"Why?" Your voice is small.

"I can't loose you, Y/N." He murmurs. "Just like you can't loose your mom. The Crestmont was her everything. But you are mine. And loosing the Crestmont would be loosing a piece of you, and I couldn't stand that."

The breeze ruffles his hair as he reaches for your hand and links your fingers and squeezes hard. You don't make any move to stop him. You know what it means, so you squeeze back and return the sentiment. I'm sorry.

Before you can stop yourself you lurch forward, arms curling around his neck and it's like coming home. His hands pull you flush to his chest, hearts beating in sync and you know everything is going to be okay now.

"Thank you." You whisper against his nape. A tear rolls down your cheek and soaks into his collar and before you know it you're blubbering. "Thank you so much, Kook."

"You aren't mad?" His voice is muffled but you can hear the quirk of his brow.

"Mad? No..no..." You lean back and wipe your eyes with your sleeve. "But what about the movie? And your dream to be a director and--"

Jungkook grabs your shoulders. His own eyes are glassy as he tucks a piece of hair behind your ear.

"That was never what mattered to me, Y/N. Not even a little bit. There's one reason I went to New York and it's the same reason I came back to Ocean City tonight. You."

"But--"

"No but's. As long as we're together, I'm already living my dream." His lips turn up into a smile, his eyes tracing your face like it's the first time and he can't get enough. "And I never ever want to wake up."

You shift in your spot to face him properly for the first time, and emotion hits you like a tidal wave. It's like all of a sudden you realize how stupid you've been; to fight with the man before you, a man who only knows kindness, about the trivial when the things that mattered the most were always right here, in front of you. The things that mattered most were always in Ocean City.

You brace your hands on his shoulders and lean up so your lips are inches apart. His eyes fall shut naturally, and you can't help but laugh with what you can only describe as one thing: happiness.

"I love you." You whisper against his lips. A warm palm cups your jaw and closes the distance between them and you're almost too lost in the way Jungkook's kiss takes your breath away to hear his response.

"I love you too."

"Sooo..." You bite your lip with a coy smile when Jungkook pulls away, the blush upon his cheeks scarlet beneath the sun which is rapidly rising. "I take it we're no longer broken up?"

"Well duh," He swats you playfully. "You think I'd do all this just to dump your ass?"

"Hey!" You pout. "I dumped your ass."

Jungkook shakes his head with a laugh.

"Besides," He glances out over the horizon nonchalantly and shrugs. "I'm gonna need help if I'm gonna start my own film company and run the Crestmont."

Your jaw drops. "A what now?"

"A film company." He explains. "A different type of film company, right here in Ocean City. For the outcasts like me who have a vision that even the biggest names in New York can't see yet." He smiles, so big and bright it makes your heart leap. "I'm gonna show them, Y/N. And everything I need to do it is right here in Ocean City."

"I know you will. I never doubted you for a second." You take his hand and link your fingers, squeezing hard. "And you bet your ass I'll be front row to watch each and every one, Jeon Jungkook."

Epilogue.

"Just keep your eyes shut!"

"I already know where we're going, so why can't I look?" You laugh, attempting and failing to tug Jungkook's interlocked fingers away from your eyes.

"Shush, it's a surprise! Just roll with it."

A surprise. That's what Jungkook said earlier too when he woke you up at the crack of dawn by throwing a dress at your head and telling you to meet him outside in the truck in 10 minutes or else.

By the time you pulled up into the familiar parking lot of your not-so-mysterious destination, the sky was already aflame with the glow of morning skimming the horizon, and Jungkook practically leapt out of the truck, palms unusually sweaty as he grasped your hand and pulled you towards the path quicker than your feet could carry you.

"What's the hurry, Kook?" You get out between heavy breaths, quads burning as the path gets steeper beneath your feet.

Come to think of it, your boyfriend has been acting strangely all week. Like hiding things behind his back when you walk into a room or talking in hushed whispers on the phone to Taehyung when he thought you were sleeping.

"You'll see." The path levels out and you stop. Jungkook wraps his arms around your waist, chin tucked into the cleft of your shoulder like a perfect puzzle piece. "Okay. Now you can look."

You round the corner, heart racing when your eyes flutter open and your vision is filled with a sea of yellow flowers. Your place.

The meadow is just how you left it, tall grass and sunny blooms dancing beneath the rays of morning sun peeking out from between the clouds. A warmth spreads through your chest and you both laugh when Gureum lets out an excited yelp, before bounding off between the stems playfully.

"I think the little guy wants us to follow him." Jungkook raises a brow and throws you a knowing shrug.

Excitement flutters in your stomach like a butterfly trapped between cupped palms. "How could I refuse?"

Fingers interlinked, you part the sunflowers and jog after the ball off fluff bouncing across the meadow, the breeze cool and forgiving as it ruffles the strands of hair that billow behind you.

Eventually you reach the clearing, and Gureum wags his tail at you proudly when you stoop down to scratch him behind his ears.

The sun reflects in Jungkook's eyes, turning them a warm golden brown. "Turn around."

You spin on your heels with a questioning glance. "Why?" That's when you see it. The spot where everything began. The tree where Jungkook kissed you all those years ago has bloomed with fragrant blossoms, and twinkle lights glow like tiny stars around it's branches. A blanket is laid out in the sun flecked shade beneath it, littered with feather cushions and lanterns and a trail of sunflower petals that begin at your feet.

"You did this?" You take his chin in your palms, face beaming despite the tears that have started to blur your vision. "Oh, Kook."

"Surprise." He smiles knowingly, grabbing you from behind and spinning you round and round until you both land with a soft thump in the middle of the outdoor cushion fort. "You haven't even seen the best part yet." He says with a nod to his right.

It's then that you notice the white sheet that's strung up a couple meters away between the trunks of two trees, Jungkook's vintage projector set up in front of it.

"What is this?" You ask, bewilderment evident in your voice.

"Gureum, would you do the honours?" Jungkook chuckles, extending a finger to point at a remote that your puppy obediently picks up with his teeth and drops into your lap with a wag of his tail.

Jungkook tucks a piece of hair behind your ear and takes a deep breath, like he's been waiting for this moment for a long time. "Go ahead. Press play and find out."

Your head shakes fondly, but your fingers tremble with anticipation as they find the PLAY button. You press it and the projector starts turning, a light flicking on at the top that makes a grainy image appear on the sheet.

The first scene is you. A teenager, dancing through the sunflower field, laughter spilling from your lips. The first time you hung out. And then it switches. You, again. Cleaning up a spill at the Crestmont, unaware of the camera. You. Paint in your hair as Jungkook chases you around the apartment in New York. You. Tears in your eyes as you hold baby Gureum for the first time. You. Asleep on Jungkook's shoulder on the subway, the camera panning to his face which lights up in a big grin, lips mouthing three words.

I love you.

Tears are hot on your cheeks, laughing as you remember the good moments and the bad, the funny and the sad, all immortalized forever through Jungkook's eyes.

The film fades out, and you throw your arms around your boyfriends neck. He chuckles when you tackle him to the ground, throwing a leg over his lap so that you can lean down and capture his lips between yours in a kiss that says all the words you want to say but you don't know how to. I love you too.

"I take it you liked it, then?" Jungkook says coyly, thumb stroking your cheek.

"It was beautiful Jungkook." You place your hand over his. "Now I know why you're always goddamn filming me."

"What can I say? You're my muse."

"Shut up." You punch him playfully. "You're gonna make me blush."

It's Jungkook's cheeks that flush pink. "Actually..." He starts to sit up, fumbling around in his back pocket. "There's something else."

"Oh?"

He clears his throat. "The first time we came to this place I knew I loved you. Back then, I said I wanted to show you what I found most beautiful. And it was you. It's always been you." He takes your hand, grip tight. "When we met we were just kids with big dreams. We might be older now but heck -- I still don't know what I'm doing. All I know is dreams come and go but you never left. You always stayed by my side. Which is why I want to promise you something."

"What, Kook?" You manage to whisper. Your heart is beating a million miles a minute in your ears. Is this what you think it is?

Jungkook swallows hard, eyes boring into yours.

"That I'll go wherever you go. New York, across oceans, up mountains -- you name it. As long as we're together, everything will be okay. So that's why I wanted to ask..." His fingers tremble as he produces a tiny black box, flicking it open to reveal a ring that sparkles see through in the sun. "Y/N, will you marry me?"

"Oh Jungkook," You throw your arms around his neck, overcome with emotion now as you capture his lips with your own. "Of course I'll marry you. You didn't even have to ask."

He lets out a sigh of relief, and then he's spinning you around in circles until you're both dizzy with love and belly laughter.

"I love you." He whispers, eyes shiny. His hand gently grasps your wrist as he slides the ring onto your finger.

You've heard him say it a hundred times before, but this time it's different. This time it's forever. Your heart flutters.

"I love you too, Kook."

Where there are new beginnings

Ocean City is the same as it always was.

You wake up each morning to the distant crash or waves, and you fall asleep each night to the tinkling fairground music that makes your heart sing. Tourists come and go, flooding the casinos and eating churros on the beach.

The Crestmont is doing better than ever. Once Taehyung took over as owner, the theatre became the heart of the city, attracting visitors from near and far to see the renowned plays directed by none other than Jeon Jungkook, the most sought after playwright and filmographer in all of the East Coast.

And then there's you. Ever since you starred in one of Jungkook's plays, about a girl from a seaside city moving to New York with big dreams, there's been no shortage of movie deals and acting opportunities thrown your way.

But in the end, you always find yourself coming back to Ocean City.

Tonight the Crestmont reopens for business after some much needed renovations. Taehyung is throwing a party, and there will be plenty of big Hollywood faces attending to see the brand new theatre and the updated __.

But one thing will always remain the same. The picture of your mom hung in the gallery. Her big smile is the heart of the Crestmont, greeting each and every visitor with pride.

And in the empty frame at the end of the wall of fame, there's a new picture.

You. Smiling, with your hair over one shoulder, just how you imagined. And beside you is Jungkook, with his arm wrapped around your waist and Taehyung holding Gureum and making a silly peace sign behind your head.

And you wouldn't have it any other way.

Okay so hi if you’re still here!! I decided to put this at the end because I didn’t wanna spoil the ending so please send love to @brekkiejeon​ !! They sent me the request for the ending of this fic all the way back in January and i’m trash and took like 7 months to finish writing it so i hope you enjoyed it even so lovely !!! <3 thank you for the request and sorry for the wait, this one really got me creative lol! 

Also I’d like to dedicate the smut in this fic to @atastefulwonderland​ because I know you love some good ole JK loving!! Hehe, ily~~

Also lemme know if this was bad because I never usually give OC so much backstory because I want it to be as relatable to the reader as poss obvi but these characters wrote themselves lmao like i’m just the writer i had no control okay???? I just do what these mfkers say. LOL.

[supremeinlilac]

Greiving for something not lost

Sally Mckenna x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 5.1k

Warnings: Canon death, mentions of suicide, grief, slight mention of nsfw activities but it’s literally nothing.

A/n: Here’s the exchange gift for @cissa-calls , and I hope it’s not too dark for you :/ I researched a lot of Greek Mythology because you said you enjoyed it so it’s based around a myth, although as always I got carried away so it ended up only being a small portion. I hope you like it :))

Instead of taking the direct route to the Cortez, you idled down the backstreets of LA, one hand stuffed deeply into your pocket as you scuffed feet against stones on the path. It did little to clear the fog in your brain after yet another argument with Sally, it was always too loud in the city and you seemed to never be able to silence it enough to think.

Sally had promised you, time and time again that the next job would be the last, and you clutch at the hopes that each time she’d be telling the truth. Each time you’d fumble with fingers against the hem of her jacket and beg her to stay, and she’d pry them off and tell you not to follow her.

“The Hotel Cortez is not a place for you babe,” she’d say, and then she’d be gone.

Usually, you’d accept that, and would wait by the window for glimpses of her silhouette along the street when she’d returned. Your heart would thrum in protest against your ribs almost painfully until you’d see her safe again. This time, you’d both cried and fumed. Neither understood the other, neither wanting to admit that they feared what that meant.

Your other hand held a small spray of white anemones, and an apology scribbled on paper. You had to rehearse it before you met with her again, she seemed to be able to sense when you weren’t genuine. You’d wanted flowers of a darker colour, they were more Sally, but had had to settle with that of purity and innocence. Not Sally at all, but you were still too proud and stubborn to stalk around more shops to find the perfect gift for her when you’d both been in the wrong.

The detour meant you’d probably find your girlfriend already high, stumbling aimlessly around rooms with that grin on her face that always made you want to kiss it off her. No doubt that tonight would end as it always did. Possessive and passionate in your shared bed. Sometimes you wouldn’t even reach it. Sorry with Sally was always spoken through sex.

The thought of apologising through kisses and softly idle fingertips had your pace quickening, and the guilt heating up within you. You didn’t like fighting with Sally, and you sure as hell didn’t like what you fought about, but you loved to bribe her back to you this way. But as you turned the corner to the hotel, the guilt in your stomach dropped into that of dread, and a lump formed so quickly in your throat that you felt you would choke on it with what you saw.

Aphrodite had warned Adonis about the dangers, just like you had Sally, and yet, here they both lay. It was as if her body blurred into two with your tears, two lovers, separated by the cruel twist of deaths knife in a hollow chest.

You seemed to be able to do nothing but stagger towards her, vision smoky and you prayed it was a dream. That you may stir in the sheets beside Sally, and she’d reach to still your tremors like the silent hand of a god against the rumble of an earthquake. Be still my love, do not fear what can not hurt you. I’m here, reach for me.

Now, you wished for something as merciful as a dream.

Her face paled to grey as you neared, and the world seemed to fall away. Passers by seemed unaffected as hurried feet carried them home, anxious to block out the city with thick blinds and gentle music. Your despair willowed to nothing, a commotion simply on the other side of the road wasn’t a rarity. The city had seen it all before.

It turns out the Hotel Cortez wasn’t a place for her either.

You felt like throwing yourself to the ground beside her, bare knees scraping against the harsh pavement, yet you’d welcome the pain beside your lover. White noise filled your ears, and only the blaring of car horns could cut through its insistent ringing. You couldn’t even hear yourself crying for help to anyone who might listen.

Her eyes were wide, glassy and pleading, but you saw no life in them. The glass gave way to murky water and it was clear you’d reached her too late. Defeated, you crumpled beside her, flowers forgotten in leu of pressing lips to her temple and whispering the apology as if it may be heard by her soul and it might return to her body. To you.

You wanted to close her eyes with gentle fingertips but feared that if she stopped seeing you then it would be the end. That it would mean she was gone.

A flower sprang where he lay, hours after Adonis’ death, a deep crimson anemone that bore the shade of his blood. Born from the sweet nectar from Aphrodite’s hand, the wildflower bloomed. Beautiful trauma.

The flowers on the ground by your side seemed to wilt, sensing the sour odour of deaths passing, they hung their heads in mourning and shrank into their petals. Heavy with grief. White anemones turned red under the suns dying love, its light bowing behind the buildings so it may pretend to have not bared silent witness to souls divided.

Aphrodite pleaded for her lover’s life in the underworld, so he could be with her once again in life. You would have plead as she did, knelt and sold your soul for Sally to be returned. You would have done as Aphrodite did, if you thought it would help. If you thought that someone could see your pain and render it pure enough to grant the impossible.

In the real world, there are no gracious second chances for such a fickle thing as love.

And now, it seemed that the Hotel Cortez would be her place, tied to her always in death.

You stayed by her side until the coroner arrived to take her away. You couldn’t cry, instead just watched through eyes of steel as the back doors of the van were slammed obnoxiously, ringing in your ears long after it had pulled away and been lost to the traffic. You vaguely registered someone’s hand on your shoulder, a soothing motion, talking as if underwater, muffled and unintelligible. You felt like you were barely clinging to driftwood on an unsettled sea, each swell of a wave bigger than the last.

In shock- you heard someone say. Suicide. That broke your haze.

When you’d got home that night, the silence had screamed at you. It had been too quiet to sleep, and you ached for the way she’d blast music loud enough to warrant the neighbours complaints the next day, so you’d have to bake horrendously in the kitchen cookies as apologies. Or when she’d strum against her guitar and the gentle tones would pull you from your work and into her lap to watch her fingers manipulate the instrument into art.

You craved the shrill laughter of Sally when she’d prank you childishly, how she’d pull you towards her and you’d see how joy creased her face beautifully. You’d always want to make her laugh and brush the pads of curious fingers over the dimples formed and make her shy away.

You’d never hear her song again, you realised, blinking away tears when the guitar propped in the corner caught your eye. Chest heaving painfully, you half wanted to grasp it by the neck and slam it against the ground over and over until anger diffused and you could cry into its shards. The other half, the winning half, wanted to pick it up and set it against you, ghost fingers over its strings so the thrum was barely audible. She’d played this tune, taught you this tune, and you vowed you’d never forget it. Fingers in her shadow, you ran them over the smooth wood, eyes closed and head back on the sofa.

She was everywhere in the apartment, and it only served to remind you that she was also nowhere.

The suffocating hands of her absence pressed against you, a ribbon of blackened ash around your ribs, until they threatened to crack under its pressure. Was it possible to miss how she hurt? Your lover, with her wild hair and glassy eyes, you could see her as she was, you would drunk in how she would move. Dancing slowly in an empty room, as if the world were watching her.

Wild hair was born to writhing snakes, and you feared to look directly into her eyes now. Death had claimed her as its own, and you refused to accept her insistent fate. She’d return. You’d look into her eyes and see that of your lover, and not of Medusa. Lungs of stone, how could they swell to receive the gift of a breath without her beside you?

Now you drowned the guilt, drunk in its depths instead of in her eyes.

Stuck in endless loops of questioning what if. What if you hadn’t taken the detour, what if you hadn’t argued, or if you had made her stay instead of letting her leave the apartment? Would she still be alive?

It wasn’t your fault but oh, how that option seemed so sweet in this moment. To be swarmed with an actual reason to hate, how it would be easier than the reality. You’d rather have yourself to blame than have no one. Responsibility for actions you weren’t even sure of. Questions unanswered by police, that would remain unanswered because the only person with the solution was gone. What had happened?

The pressure seemed to build up in your head, an unbearable thickness of thoughts that had nowhere to go but to force themselves down your throat so you’d choke on them, and the feeling of sickness would resurface. They’d swim in your gut like parasite and never still.

It was worse at night.

Distractions were less and your emotions ran so far above you on blackened clouds, so out of reach that you doubted you’d ever be able to wrestle them back into submission. Would they eternally be dancing in mockery and pulling at marionette strings in your limbs? A shell of your former self, only held up by unpredictable emotions that could burn you with their ice just as much as their fire.

After your first day back at work after the incident, you’d returned home exhausted, wanting nothing more than to collapse into yourself on the sofa and cradle one of her jackets. You forgot the lock the door on your way in, and remembered hours later, after the sun had drooped once more that you needed to lock yourself with your thoughts again for the night.

You reached into your handbag, searching for something that seemed menial now, and instead your fingers curled around her packet of cigarettes. You stopped, hand still in the bag, and your breath caught painfully in your throat.

It had been the first since that night, raw and salty tears that burned your eyes red and blurred your vision. The kind of crying that wore you to nothing within minutes and had you clutching bony fingers to your chest as if to pry open ribs and reach your lungs. You couldn’t breathe.

Everything caught up with you, and you felt as if you were falling alongside her, scrabbling to find purchase against nothing. The rational side of your brain knew that you wouldn’t crash to the ground, but you couldn’t help but be brought back to her side in that moment, a whirlwind of emotions that you couldn’t control, circling your head in a way that made you dizzy with your grief.

Her pale face, mottled with the tears of her death invaded your mind, the blood staining the pavement. Suddenly you felt hot with it, as if the sticky blood was covering you, pulling you to drown. You could smell its invasive metallic scent, almost taste its musk in your throat with every breath. It was thick, and you were clawing at your arms to try and wipe it away. It was everywhere, and then it was nowhere, and you wondered why you’d been tricked by grief in the first place.

Shaking, your fingers had flipped open the packet and picked one out. You didn’t smoke, yet trembling hands found the lighter and lips found the filter which already had a smudge of red on it. Almost as if Sally had gone to light it but changed her mind, discarding it back for later use. She never used it again, now it was you that drew in an unsteady breath, drawing the panel door to the side as you took the rest of the cigarettes onto the small apartment balcony you both shared to smoke them, alone.

There was really only room for one person out there at a time, yet you and Sally would huddle together on the nights when the city would keep you awake, and she’d wrap pale arms around your waist and nuzzle her chin into the crook of your neck. Passing her cigarette back and forth you’d overlook the streets below and watch the living.

You’d both used to wonder what it would be like to lead the lives of those people below, those on their way to work before the sun even surfaced over the horizon and set its path for the day. Working before the pair of you had even been asleep. The banality of their routine, oh, how you both pitied them. They’d work boring jobs to pay the rent for the whitewashed walls they’d come home to each night, eat the same meals at the same time, prepared by wives wearing lines of age, deeply set in valleys on their faces. These people always looked older than their years, tired and worn from work and children born to save a marriage already lost.

You’d used to pity them, yet now, you craved the intimacy of a boring life with someone you loved. You’d rather the predictability of this life than the one you had now. Nothing.

On the balcony, you smoked all the remaining cigarettes in the pack. Usually, you didn’t smoke, but you did, just to feel close to her again. Curling your fingers around the butt the way that she used to, and blowing the smoke out, watching it furl and twist into the cold night. You craved the warm roughness of her hands.

She’d kiss you with the lingering taste of those cigarettes, and you’d grown addicted to it. Still, once you’d finished the packet, you’d found yourself unable to rebuy them.

Slowly, you forgot its essence. You felt like you were forgetting her.

In the news, you waited for them to show a photo of Sally, one detached from everything she’d grown to be, beside a headline of death. The low hum of the city news was background noise to your grief, and you ached for someone to care enough to tell about her passing. For weeks, there was nothing. There was nothing and then there was everything, all at once, and in that moment, you knew that you would’ve preferred the nothing.

They said she’d jumped.

They hadn’t known her, and they said she’d jumped.

How dare they when you’d screamed at them until hoarse that she would never, that she promised she would never? The quick solution, one that wouldn’t raise questions, or demand the precious funds of the very system she’d been cheated by, to fork out for justice. She was an addict, they’d said. Painting the sky above her head an angry black, with clouds that swirled with viscous intent. She was a junkie, and therefore the answer was simple.

Death had been an inevitability with a life like that, habits like that. A person such as that.

You wasted grief on your anger, long nights where you’d clutch the phone to your mottled cheek with whitening knuckles, cursing everyone who’d rendered your love unimportant. You’d fall asleep on hold to police that had no more answers for you, no more pitied excuses and apologies for a loss they knew nothing about.

And it was on one of those long nights, when you sought for comfort that could be not offered by the living, that you reach for the memory of the dead. Running fingers deliberately slowly over the clothes that hung in the wardrobe, fingering through her dresses on the railing before slowly closing the door again, leaning against it and sinking to the floor.

You’d opened all her drawers that night, some for the first time. Spritzed her dresses with her perfume that still stood on the mantle, revitalised Sally in the apartment with her smell. It was as if you were back to then, when she’d return from work, stroppy and tired, yet still reach for her perfume and generously sprayed the air that she’d then dance into.

Picking one of her band shirts out of the drawer, you slipped your shirt off and replaced it with hers. It was soft cotton, the one she’d most frequently sleep in, and it brought you warmth like her hugs used to, arms enclosing you and grounding you in moments of fear.

You slept in it that night. Telling yourself that that would be it and then it would return to the drawer. But one night stretched painfully into three, and you found yourself unable to sever the small mercy you’d given yourself in wearing her clothes, the attachment to her that only you would know when you walked the street. No one else knew the chain you wore were hers, the boots, the dress. No one knew sally because there was no one left to know.

It had been a year since that day.

You’d woken with a headache and turned over in bed, wanting to shelter yourself from the day with blankets, sleep until the moon shone and the day turned into the next. You knew you could do that, but guilt had you pulling on the covers and groaning as the sunlight poured like liquid through the slit in the curtains.

It was going to be a long day. You already felt tired.

Pulling one of Sally’s band shirts over your head, you traipsed sluggishly through the apartment, purposefully ignoring the mess, like she would after a night of drinking. Not that it mattered today. You unhooked Sally’s oversized jacket from the peg and slumped it over your shoulder. Today was the day, you’d decided. You were going to visit her grave.

In the past year, you’d planned to visit her grave on several occasions, but avoided it at the last second. You couldn’t stand the thought of Sally trapped there, tied to the soil when she should be dancing upon it with you.

Sally couldn’t be tied down to a single place, she moved freely, without reign. It was how she liked it, and how you’d learned to love her. Labels had never been her thing. And now she was labelled on stone, with a corny phrase that she’d hate, with a date too early, a life too short. Sally deserved to be free.

She was the wind, unpredictable and changing and wild, she would go where she pleased and return on the breeze. Sally would’ve hated being buried, and yet through the selfish need to have a real place to visit her, she had been. You can’t capture the wind in bare hands, can’t collar it or tame it and make it beg. It controls you and you have no choice but to concede to it.

That was Sally.

Even now, a year later, you found yourself faltering. The gates of the cemetery loomed ahead of you, and your hands bunched at the material of your pants nervously. You could feel it calling, begging almost, for you to simply reach out and push the gate open with a metallic creak of protest. To visit the place you’d always avoided.

But just as you always did, you lost your nerve, sighing and peering down the road for a reason to be drawn away. For a distraction, even just for a moment. An excuse to gather your thoughts just enough to face your lover.

A corner shop caught your eye, with the newspapers in the windows just begging for customers. How convenient. Stuffing hands into pockets, you strode over the road with new purpose.

Dragging yourself down the claustrophobic aisles in the store, you distracted yourself with exited colours on packaging, picking items of shelves and replacing them further down the aisle. You didn’t care for tidiness today.

When a shop attendant asked you if you needed any help, you gave him a sad smile in appreciation and picked up a small bunch of white anemone flowers, her flowers. Last year, they’d been a peace offering, this year, an apology. The employee shuffled along again, and you set your eyes down to the floor.

Flowers in hand, you made your way to the till, placing them delicately onto the counter and fiddling for coins in your coat. You hadn’t planned on buying anything, so neglected to bring your wallet. Luckily, this was a coat you’d not worn since Sally’s death, and she was a fan of keeping loose change in the deep pockets.

“Is that everything for today?” the woman behind the till chirped with the voice of someone with long experience in public services. It cried out in tired falsity, in ‘how long have I left on my shift?’ It was a line well-rehearsed and overused.

Just as you were about to nod in answer, your eyes caught the tobacco cabinet behind the bored check out assistant. “What brand?” She asked pointedly, and you stared dumbly past her. Had Sally ever bought cigarettes from this store? Shaking out the thought from your mind, you answered her, asking for Sally’s brand and quickly paying and leaving.

Outside the shop, you held the package tentatively in your palm, fingering at the packaging as she used to when she was nervous. She’d wrap a tune with her chipped nails against the boxes edge, and you’d coax it from her, and dip her under the moonlight in your arms. Now, holding the cigarettes held no comfort for you, feeling both foreign and familiar, it left you aching for her.

Still, you found yourself unable to visit her grave. It was all too real to see where she lay. You needed something tying Sally to you that wasn’t so physical. You laughed to yourself. How ironic it was, to force her into a grave for something so trivial as to have a place to call her resting place, only to find yourself too weak to face your choice.

Instead, you took a left, and then another, and then a right, and continued until you could no longer smell your own fear in the air with the concept of her grave. Deeper into the city, where the pollution stained white houses grey, you could breathe clearly again. Guilt will consume a person, clog their lungs with it until their breathing is laborious and the weight drags them down into their thoughts.

You’d walked this route before, one year before, with white anemones and an apology in hand. You’d never gotten to tell Sally what you’d wanted, but perhaps you’d take her the flowers, and smoke her cigarettes in the window where she’d fell. You’d tell her what you didn’t get the chance to.

The hotel was just as you remembered it, flickering neon 34w`lights that read ‘Hotel Cortez’, and the eery alleys and parked cars that seemed to be in the same position as the year prior. It was as if time had paused, hotel residents left their cars and had never returned to them.

You weren’t really aware of yourself in that moment, feet leading a silent path as you found yourself stuck in a memory. When you reached the place you found her, your feet faltered, and you couldn’t tear your eyes from the paving.

The pavement was clear, physically untainted, and any normal pedestrian would question your loitering. But although it appeared to be clean, you know because you’ve seen, you’ve remembered. The pain that would still remain, deep in the cracks of the paving stone, no matter how much scrubbing the clean up team undoubtably did after Sally’s body was removed, they couldn’t remove. They couldn’t fade the scarring, or the feeling of death that overcame you when you stared at the place she’d laid.

Someone bumped your shoulder as they passed on the street, muttered remarks about people standing in the middle of the street, and you raised your eyes to watch them walk away. When you looked back at the stone, the connection to it had been lost, and you found yourself unable to re-enter the trance you’d been in.

Pressing through the hotel doors, you left the light of the sun behind, left the living, and joined the death of the dusky lobby. Wondering through its room, you imagined Sally doing the same, with confident strides and a purpose. It was a nice place for downtown LA, you had to admit, but you couldn’t shake the eerie feeling that came with it, of being watched by invisible eyes in the walls. The feeling one gets when you visit a place where death rules over occupants.

You looked up to the next floor, and swore you saw a flash of an animal print coat moving behind the barriers. No. Must’ve been the lighting change from coming inside.

A woman pointed you towards the bar, and you nodded towards her. Did all visitors come for the hotels bar? She seemed to know exactly what you needed, tired eyes searching for something not quite there.

In the bar, you drank and you smoked and spoke with the woman behind the bar who must’ve noticed the void behind your eyes. She didn’t question you, why you were alone, just slid extra drinks across the table with a wink and a smile. You didn’t return it, opting for a grateful grimace instead.

All of a sudden, the smell of Sally’s perfume seemed to melt into your senses, overpowering that of the cigarette, and the liquor, until your head swam with memories linked with its scent. You didn’t remember spraying it this morning, and it confused you. It was so strong, and real. It didn’t seem like your brain was tricking you with its musk, like it so often would with a silhouette against the apartment window.

Suffocated by Sally. You drowned in its poetry.

Searching for its origin, your eyes roamed the bar. It was real, you figured. Turning on the bar stool, your eyes met those that you thought you’d forgotten, and you found they were exactly like you remembered. Sally stood, leant against the wall opposite you, arms folded at her chest yet wearing cheeks stained with tears and widened eyes. You scrambled out of your chair, and the world fell away from you. You didn’t even try and catch it when she was next to you.

You palmed at your eyes, begging yourself to wake up from what must be a dream. Despite knowing she wasn’t real, you ached for your mind to stay in this fantasy so at least you wouldn’t be alone. Removing your hands, you felt yourself lighten. Sally remained still, unmoving yet she was closer that ever. You could reach and brush against her cheek if only your arms would cooperate.

“Y/n?” she breathed, in that choked up voice, and you were falling again.

As if trapped in a dream, you startled awake with the feeling of cool fingers massaging against your scalp. The room was foreign, and it smelled like her. Foreign, yet startingly familiar as if you’d been there before.

Sally was curled into your side, and your breathing laboured again. You didn’t understand how she was here, you- you buried her. Sniffling broke your doubts, and Sally adjusted her head atop your chest. When you wiggled beneath her, her sniffs turned to coos, and her fingers in your hair and clutching your top were soothing at your cheeks.

“I love you, I’m here,” she flustered, worrying her lip between teeth, and you could see the moon in between buildings outside the window. It watched you with bated breath and shone onto her pale skin until her tears seemed to shine. “Say I love you Sally.”

Sitting up against the pillows, you caught her face in your hands, cupping it so she couldn’t move away as you remembered the outlines of her eyes, lips, the curve of her jaw and cheekbones. “I love you,” you found yourself admitting, tears welling in eyes that couldn’t believe what they were witnessing, “are you real?”

“I’m-” Sally started, faltering as if she didn’t quite know the answer either. “I’m here.”

You wanted to apologise anew, whisper the memorised speech that you’d spoken to her that night, but the words seemed to catch in your throat, sharp like the barbs from barbed wire were caught against the delicate skin. Instead, you pulled her in to brush lips against hers, testing slowly if they actually would meet and not melt through what your mind was making up.

They did meet, and you muffled a wail against hers, all the pent-up grief for the woman you were now kissing resurfacing. Fingers clung to her coat, which was still soft beneath your touch, and you pulled her closer to you. She cried, and you cried, and hands met to brush them away.

“I missed you baby.”

You didn’t stop to think about what it meant that she was here. Focusing only on her hands linked firmly in yours, and how she deserved to feel the taut string of a guitar again. You’d bring it to her, and she’d play her song. You’d hear her voice and feel the vibrations of her throat against your lips as she sang.

You’d do it all again.

Time you thought was lost was now frozen, suspended in a single heartbeat. She hadn’t aged a single day, and yet her eyes showed more trouble than you’d ever seen. You couldn’t wait to return and kiss away her worries, reintroduce yourself and love her and be loved like you both deserved. But for now, you were content to simply exist in her presence again.

You wouldn’t take her for granted.

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[woolishlygrim]

So, with the new Madoka Magica thing coming, I watched Rebellion again, and was reminded of how interesting and thematically rich the weird, surreal transformation sequences from that movie are.

So I looked up some people’s analyses of the sequence, and those analyses were, you know, really bad. Luckily, I’m a relaxed person who can let things go and doesn’t feel the burning need to waste a lot of time analysing a one-and-a-half minute sequence from an eight year old movie.

...

...

1) Mami.

Mami is really straightforward. As the transformation sequence starts, she’s doing an ice dance, a kind of dance that strives to create the impression of free movement, grace, and creative expression but which is actually governed by incredibly rigid rules, not unlike how Mami attempts to foster an external presentation of effortless, free-spirited grace, while binding herself to a rigid code of behaviour.

As she moves into her final spin, she folds up one leg, forming the shape of a grief seed, which her magical girl form tears its way out of, breaking her back open as it goes. This is some incredibly literal symbolism: For Mami, who made her wish solely to escape death while the rest of her family died and later threw herself into being a magical girl, her magical girl persona literally tore its way out of her grief, breaking the person she was before.

Her back breaking also ties back to her death in the series, as Bebe crushed her in its jaws.

2) Kyoko.

Kyoko has an excitable, fast-paced dance to pretty straightforwardly represent her excitable, wild personality. As the sequence goes on, she sprouts a multitude of arms, waving about her, in what is almost certainly a reference to Guanyin, the Goddess of Mercy. Apart from referencing Kyoko’s selfless wish to help her father, and her act of mercy-killing Sayaka, Guanyin was typically conflated with the Virgin Mary, with statues of Mary disguised as Guanyin and a cult of 'Maria Kannon’ having formed around her at one point. Giving that her father was apparently a priest excommunicated for heresy, it’s entirely plausible that heresy was the veneration of Maria Kannon.

Next we see a man’s hand reach for Kyoko’s face. This is almost certainly Kyoko’s father’s hand, reaching for her either in affection or in anger after killing the rest of their family. We see Kyoko split into multiple images, referencing her now lost power of duplicating herself, before the scene is torn open by a demonic, red-eyed, terrifying looking Kyoko. This is the one bit of symbolism in this sequence that has me completely stumped. A representation of how Kyoko sees herself, maybe? Or perhaps a representation of how her father saw her.

3) Sayaka.

Winning the prize for ‘least disturbing,’ we’ve got Sayaka, who kicks off her transformation by break-dancing, as coloured silhouettes mimic her movements at a slight time delay. The break-dancing itself is just a reference to her athleticism, but what’s interesting is that some of the silhouettes occasionally flicker to black with spots of oily colour, the pattern of a soul gem just before it becomes a Witch, referencing Sayaka’s fate in the original timeline of becoming the Witch Oktavia.

As the transformation ends, a silhouette of Sayaka as a schoolgirl sprints (with perfect form, again referencing her athleticism) at a silhouette of herself as a magical girl, the two colliding and splattering like water. There’s a general running theme of water in this one, referencing Oktavia again. As the two colours mix, a liquid version of Sayaka as a magical girl emerges, and for a split-second we see her cry into her hands, representing her regret at becoming a magical girl.

This one is almost as simple as Mami’s, all told.

4) Homura.

The most symbolically rich and also probably the most disturbing. As Homura starts, we see her holding her soul gem, which for a split-second flashes to an artistic representation of a scene later in the movie: The forest of lanterns that Homura and Kyoko end up passing through when they’re trying to leave town. 

Homura’s dance is a ballet dance, representing how ... let me check my notes here ... she’s a ballet dancer. Like Sayaka, she has a silhouette following her at a time delay, but unlike Sayaka, her silhouette isn’t actually perfectly mimicking her movements, instead deviating at points. This is probably playing triple duty on the symbolism side: Homura is at this point both magical girl and Witch, both the original Homura and the new universe’s Homura, and is in two minds about what she wants to do. 

As the transformation goes on, the white silhouette gets caught in a film reel, repeating her infinitely, while the purple silhouette is still and singular: The purple silhouette is the new universe’s Homura, while the white silhouette is the original timeline’s, repeating the same period of time over and over again. 

We get another short shot of a future part of the film, this time the rising lanterns that lead up above the city, which will eventually be transformed into the arch and castle where Homura becomes a Witch.

This transitions to a silhouetted, yellow-eyed version of Homura (the ‘lizard-girl’ she figuratively becomes) bursting into patterns as Homura escapes from it, reaching for something, before transitioning to a pair of glowing hands grasping around a soul gem. The colour grading makes the soul gem look purple, making it look like Homura’s, but it’s actually not: Homura’s soul gem is visible on one of the glowing hands. This is actually Madoka’s soul gem that Homura is grasping at.

After a split-second shot of some very sinister witch text, we cut back to Homura, who segues into some more ballet moves before her striking her pose. These actually aren’t just any ballet moves, though: She’s dancing the death of Odette at the end of Swan Lake. At the end of Swan Lake, Odette dies and ascends to heaven, freeing the other swan maidens from the grip of Rothbart. It’s a very close match to someone’s story, but that someone is Madoka, not Homura: Homura’s mimicry of Madoka/Odette casts her in the role of Odile, the Black Swan (whose costume Homura wears as part of her devil attire later on in the movie), who imitates Odette and in doing so steals her purpose from her. This is some really heavy foreshadowing for the end of the movie.

5) Madoka.

Madoka’s dance is styled after the pop dances of idols, figuratively representing her as Homura’s ‘idol,’ (and potentially tying in to ideas of the artificiality of Jpop idols: This both is and isn’t Madoka, after all, it’s a mask that the real Madoka is wearing). 

After the dance, the transformation cuts to the same film reel Homura was stuck in, but this time with an endless line of paper dolls of Madoka. This is pulling double duty for symbolism here: The dolls are both the many iterations of Madoka that Homura has seen in her time loops, and the infinite iterations of Madoka that exist in the moment of every magical girl becoming a Witch -- we actually see an almost identical scene elsewhere, in Ultimate Madoka’s transformation in Magia Record, with the key difference being those Madokas are real, whereas these ones are a chain of paper dolls, hinting at Homura’s view of those Madokas as being ‘not fully real.’ The Madoka she knew is gone, and Ultimate Madoka both is Madoka and is just a pale imitation.

We cut from there to grainy, close-up images of Madoka. The angle of these suggest that we’re seeing through someone’s eyes, and we are: These are Homura’s memories of the ‘real’ Madoka. As we watch, a glowing hand breaks through, shattering the images like a mirror. A lot of people have assumed this is Madoka’s hand, but it’s not: We’ve already seen this exact glowing hand, in Homura’s transformation, because it’s Homura’s hand, reaching for Madoka. As if to confirm this, behind the hand we see buzzing stripes of colours for just a moment: The same ever-shifting rainbow shades as Devil Homura’s eyes briefly turn.

Madoka is revealed, peering through her hands in a way that mimics the floating eyes of Kyubey outside the isolation field they’re all trapped in. Like Kyubey, Madoka is a godlike being who exists beyond the world that Homura has created here.

Whew. Okay, that’s all five. We get Bebe’s transformation later, and the symbolism there is that she likes cake and shit.

[writing-in-april]

The 5 Stages of Grief

Stage four: Depression (4/5)

Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader (Spencer’s POV)

Summary: Spencer going through each of the stages of grief after the death of the reader. Stage four is depression.

A/N: Hey y’all! Here’s the fourth fic entry for my 1000 follower celebration! Thanks for everyone who was so sweet about my migraine today also! I can’t believe this series is almost over! I had a really cathartic experience when I wrote this and I’m glad to have it all out there in the world, it’s freeing. If anyone has any requests on what my next series should be send a request! Thanks for reading 🥰

Warnings (Series Masterlist has all the warnings for the series): Depression, Drugs, Talks of suicide, Spencer pushing away his friends, Therapy, Unreliable narrator

Main Masterlist | 5 Stages of Grief Masterlist

Word count: 1.4k

The air I released from my lungs was stale and seemingly void of life as I sat up. The tourniquet I had used last night had loosened slightly, but was still snug around my arm leaving it slightly numb. The numbness in my arm was nothing compared to how numb I felt inside. All the things I had felt before were untouched in the back of my mind, I couldn’t face them. I couldn’t face them because I would get stuck in a continuous loop of my emotions. I’d feel the waves crashing in around me as I was buried with reality. I’d feel the fire being stoked into roaring flames that incinerated everything around me. I’d feel the fact that my rock was gone and how I just wanted to be buried underneath the earth. I’d feel the pain in my lungs everytime I breathed if I truly accepted that they were gone.

The air swirling around me felt polluted. Polluted from my sadness, polluted by all my volatile feelings, polluted by the actions I had taken since the one thing giving me life was ripped away from me.

I was stuck in a continuous loop of my emotions, I just wished I could make them stop.

No matter how much I gasped for air, the oxygen didn’t reach my lungs. The only constant in my life anymore was that the air could no longer reach my lungs.

I felt void of life, the air I used to breath.

I felt void of life, the only reason I had a will to live was gone.

So why would I want to breathe?

I wished someone would relieve me of my numbness. I just wished I could be with them again. That would surely make the polluted clouds around me dissipate.

I couldn’t even find it within me to use any of the stale air in my lungs to say their name out loud. Anytime I thought about it my mind shut down into a state of numbness, I couldn’t handle thinking about them.

I was stuck in a continuous loop of my emotions, I just wished I could make them stop.

The boxes in the corner of the bedroom I had once shared with them still remained unopened even though it had been half a year since I had last been able to feel them in my arms. I couldn’t find it within myself to sleep in the same bed, in the beginning I had found comfort in the smell of their pillow. But, now everytime I tried, all I was met with was the normal stale smell of an unwashed pillow.

JJ had tried to push me to go through the boxes as had my therapist. How could they think that I would want to move on? How could they not realize that I might as well have died that night with them?

Nobody even noticed that life no longer mattered to me. Nobody even noticed, either that or the care they claimed to have for me was superficial at best. The team still tried to get me to open up again, to let the polluted air in my lungs, but it wasn’t worth it. They didn’t understand my pain. I didn’t even want to be on the team anymore.  

The group therapy I had been put in by bureau was by far the most agonizing part of my weeks that bled into months. I didn’t know why they bothered, life no longer mattered anymore. They forced me to breathe in the polluted air all around me, to take in all the sadness around me. They said it was to help with reaching acceptance. They said it would help.

They were wrong.

I was stuck in a continuous loop of my emotions, I just wished I could make them stop.

Everytime I took in a small gasp of the air that swirled around me like a dark cloud I wondered why I bothered. I wondered what would happen if I just stopped breathing one day. I wondered why my lungs that were void of air had not killed me yet.

They said I was in a deep depression. That may have been the most accurate medical term for what I was feeling, but in actuality there were no words in the English language to accurately describe the deep hole in my chest that I was sure would never be filled. I certainly didn’t want to follow their advice and try to breathe in the polluted air, I was sure that would only make the hole bigger. Maybe it would be big enough to swallow me up.

I was supposed to write a letter of all my amends to myself and to try to say their name, those were my goals given to me by my therapist. If my brain was still working logically I would know that it would be good for me. But, my brain hadn’t worked logically since they had left.

I was stuck in a continuous loop of my emotions, I just wished I could make them stop.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to write, I decided it wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth it to feel the weight of the polluted air filling my lungs. It wasn’t worth it to feel the sharp prickles of pain as I gasped for breath. It wasn’t worth it to say their name and get no response. It wasn’t worth it because the void would still be there.

I wasn’t sure what about today was different compared to the other days I had vehemently denied writing down amends to myself. The hole in my chest still felt like a never ending abyss and the swirling dark air around me still felt too heavy to breath. But, I found myself getting up off the couch that had now become my bed in order to grab a piece of paper. The only times I had been getting up off the couch was to go to the bathroom or put a meager amount of food in my stomach. I just felt this urge to finally write what I felt down. I felt the urge to maybe want to breathe again.

It took me a while to find a piece of paper that would suit my needs, using a random sheet of lined paper that I had found in the desk I barely used anymore. I then sat down in my desk chair to write after I had also found a pen. It was a foreign feeling to me, to feel the urge to breathe.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to write, I decided to just let the pen guide me. It felt surreal to put exactly what I was feeling onto the paper, spilling at least a slice of what I had been feeling since they had been gone. Tears that I didn’t even know were falling dripped onto the lined paper as I shakily wrote, staining the page with the salt water. The air in my lungs hurt as I tried to write, the memories stinging me with their sharpness painfully. But, I still felt the urge to continue because after each messily written sentence was finished the weight on my shoulders felt a little bit lighter. The void was still there and the memories still hurt, but I wanted to tell the story.

After I had written all that I could, I stared at the paper for what seemed like forever. I stared at the words intently trying to figure out what exactly I was feeling now. Maybe, I had broken my endless loop of emotions, even if it was just for a moment. The air around me was still polluted with my sadness, but I felt that for the first time I could somewhat accept what had happened. I still wasn’t there yet, but for the first time I could see myself accepting in the future.

“Y/N.” I spoke out simply to no one, and I breathed a little easier. If only for just a moment, I breathed a little easier.

—-

Tag list (message me if you want to be added):

All works: @shotarosleftpinky @oreogutz

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@calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss

5 stages of grief:

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[pumpkinpatchdrabbles]

Just A No Name

Endless were the number of cases each agent had been charged with, and despite insisting that he was kind of in the middle of something important, the Hunter that had come to collect Agent Mobius from the interrogation room persisted.

“Fine, fine. I got it.”  Reluctance sags his shoulder as he pushes up from his seat. He mumbles under his breath words too soft in volume to make out at this distance, but what you assumed to be complaints by the how much his was frowning.  “Don’t go anywhere.”  A hint of movement from the other side of the table prompts the firm warning from the seasoned agent.  His tone more in line with a stressed out parent at the end of long day than true anger.

“Now, see here--!” Riding on the waves of his own frustration, the Variant surges to his feet.  He makes to round the table to reach the exiting Mobius, but a twist of a dial has him falling back into the hard plastic chair.  A mixture of confusion and displeasure flickering across his fine features in waves.

TemPad in hand, Mobius now turns his attention to you.  “D...47?”  He squints, reading out the tag on your uniform.  There were so many Hunters within TVA’s ranks, you couldn’t really fault him for not remembering you, even though it had been months since your arrival in his unit.  “Keep an eye on him while I’m gone, will ya?”

“Yes sir.”  Your response is simple, quick.  And in the few seconds it takes for you to say them, he is already out the door.  Your fellow Hunter hot on his heels and reiterating, once more, that he needs to see this.

For at time there is peace.  Ten minutes of uninterrupted silence.

The Variant, or Loki (as he had been called by your absent superior), stewed in his thoughts.  His attention drifting between the manila folder of papers that had been left spread across the table, and the Holoprojector that had shown him brief snippets of his life.  Things that had already both come to pass, and things that had not.  

You had watched in passive silence the range of expressions that moved across his face as Mobius played one scene after another for him.  Irritation. Regret.  Grief.

None of that was present now as he pins you with a curious blue stare.

You entire body goes tense.  What now?

From head to toe he looks you over, observing and scrutinizing every part of you from the comfort of his chair.  Like Mobius before him, he too squints at the name-tag emblazoned in bright red ink with your designation.  “D47, was it?”

For a second time your eyes meet.  Loki waiting for a response that he had, in fact, read those apparently hard to make out letter and numbers right.  

You, on the other hand, blink at him in confusion.  Up to this point, your only interaction with apprehended Variants had been escorting them before Judge Ravonna for sentencing.  They were often too irate or shell-shocked by everything going on around them, you had never once considered holding a conversation with one before.

Perhaps he would lose interest if you said nothing--

“Do all of you wear code names on your uniform?”  He spins his chair to face you, having decided to take it upon himself to keep things going despite your silence.  One brow arched in a judgmental fashion toward the small bit of plastic he seemed to find so offensive all of sudden.

...why was he being so talkative all of sudden?

With Agent Mobius he had been nothing but sarcastic.  Answering in circles, or straight up refusing to cooperate.  Yet now of all times, he felt like talking to someone?

“Quiet, Variant.”  You put on your best ‘serious Hunter mode’ voice and straighten your poster a little.  All in an attempt to show that you were more in command of the situation than you actually felt.

“Loki.”  He corrects, not the least bit intimidated by your efforts.  In fact, he seemed to almost be laughing at you behind that sly smirk of his. Placing both elbows to rest on the table, Loki leans a little closer in your direction.  Wavy locks of a dark hair framing his handsome face so perfectly, you can’t help but stare for a moment before he speaks again.  “Which is it, then?  A call sign?  Company regulated nickname?”  

He must be bored.  

Stuck in room, bombarded by question after question, he was looking for some kind of distraction.  And, seeing as how you were the only other sentient being in the room at current, you would have to do.

“...That is my name.  D-4-7.” You take time to pronounce each part loud and clear, leaving no room for a misunderstanding of any kind.

And judging by the sudden dour expression Loki now sported, it wasn’t the answer he’d been expecting. “You can’t be serious?”  He pauses, waits for you to say...something.  But when it becomes glaring obvious by your prolonged silence that it was, in fact, 100% your name, he looks offended.  “So you’re telling me, while he gets to be called Mobius,” he nods to the empty chair on his left, “all you get is a name and number?  Not very creative, is it?”

“It’s enough.”  Enough to separate you from the 46 other members in your rank that came before you, and the dozen more that came after.  So what if it liked the flair of your superior’s own moniker?  It served its purpose, and that’s all that matter.

Loki, however, just couldn’t seem to let it go.

You can see the gears in his head turning.  His eye lighting up in such a way you would have thought it beautiful, were it not for the anxious pit now forming in your stomach.

“I suppose I’ll just have to come up with one for you then.”

“What? Why?”

“Maybe I’m just feeling generous?”  He doesn’t elaborate, just smiles in such a way, it leaves you with far more questions than answers.

[hurricaneonanesthesia]

Loss of a Hero

Hi, Admin Anesthesia here :). I’m so sad. Still crying over Tommy. Based on this. There's also a reference to the wonderful song letter to a dead friend by Precious Jewel Amor.

——————–

Summary: After Dream kills Tommy, Sam tells everyone. How will all of them deal with the loss of a hero?

Trigger Warnings: Implied Suicide, Spoilers, Death

Content Warnings: Swearing

——————–

Sam was pacing around the prison area as he tried to look for the woman.

“Sam...you okay?” Puffy asked as she appeared behind him with worried eyes.

Sam jumped before sighing and nodding, “Puffy...I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry about?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He continued to mutter.

“Sam, what happened?”

“I failed him. I promised that I’d protect him and I didn’t. I waved off the idea because I didn’t think he was capable.”

“Sam?” Puffy asked, fearing the worst.

“He’s dead, Puffy. Dream killed him because I didn’t want to kill Dream.” Sam couldn’t look Puffy in the eyes, “I’m sorry...I know I promised I’d protect him.”

“Tommy?” Puffy’s voice was a whisper, not wanting to confirm the truth.

Sam’s little nod made Puffy’s heart sink. “Oh...Sam, you couldn’t have known.”

“But I did. I could’ve stopped it.” Sam finally faced Puffy, tears streaming down his face, “I’m sorry, Puffy. He was just a kid.”

“I know, I know,” Puffy replied, pulling Sam into a hug as her tears started to come down as well.

-----------------

Sapnap first heard about Tommy’s death when he was talking with Quackity.

“Hey, babe.” Sapnap smiled, kissing the top of Quackity’s head. He thought Quackity was praying because Quackity was kneeling down, but upon closer inspection, he knew that wasn’t the case.

“Hey, Sapnap.” Quackity gave a small smile to his fiance as he looked up at him. Quackity’s face was strewn with tears.

“What’s wrong?” Sapnap’s face immediately melted into worry, “Who hurt you? I can-”

“Tommy died.”

“Wait...what?” Sapnap’s worry turned into denial, “It can’t be. Dream didn’t have any weapons. Tommy could easily fight back.”

“He was just a child. He was my friend.”

“He...couldn’t have died. Tell me you’re joking….please.”

“Sam told us this morning. Dream beat him to death. That sick fuck even looked happy about it.”

Sapnap didn’t like Tommy that well, but the few times they got along, Tommy was a good teammate. He was just a kid. He had so much to experience still.

Tommy reminded him a lot of his younger self. Aspiring to be more than fate wrote him. So when he felt something roll down his cheek, he knew he was grieving for the boy that could’ve been so much more. The boy who would have achieved a lot more than Sapnap did.

“I have to go do something.” Sapnap muttered as he walked away, “Dream...what did you do? I told you not to do anything bad, and here you are, wishing for your death.”

-----------------

Tubbo didn’t believe that Tommy was dead. Why should he?

Sam had told Tubbo that he was alive and well the day before. The last time he thought Tommy was dead, he ended up being alive and well. Sam was probably just trolling with him. Besides...

Dream didn’t have the balls to do this.

Tubbo, at least, thought this until he had gotten Tommy’s compass from Sam.

“I think Tommy would’ve wanted you to have this,” Sam whispered as he gave the compass to Tubbo.

Tubbo’s smile faded as he pulled out his own. The compass was spinning nonstop and it didn’t land on Tommy’s anymore. It was broken.

“Sam...Sam...why is it doing that?”

“Doing what, Tubbo?”

“Ghostbur gave it to me. He said that it pointed to Tommy’s compass. Theoretically, it should still work, right?” Tubbo asked, “Tommy’s not dead. He isn’t! How could he be? Dream’s never defeated him before.”

“Tubbo... I don’t know if you want me to answer that.” Sam looked regretful.

“Please...tell me.”

“They were bound to your souls. Once one of you die, it breaks because it has nothing to bound to anymore.”

Then a heavy feeling was placed on his shoulders as he realized that his best friend was gone. And he never got to say goodbye to him.

He was too busy trying to compete against the Big Innit Hotel and goofing off with Ranboo that….he didn’t pay enough attention to Tommy.

Tommy told him that he was going to face his abuser one last time. Tubbo was so proud of him. Sam told him that Tommy was stuck in the prison with Dream. That was fine, Tubbo knew that Tommy could fight through it. After all, it was only one week.

Tubbo thought that Sam was joking when he said that Tommy was dead.

“Sam….I never got to say goodbye to him.” Tubbo whispered as he crumbled to the ground, looking at his broken compasses.

“I know.” Sam sighed, “I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. I should’ve protected him from Dream. I’m sorry.”

Why wasn’t he crying? His best friend just died. Did he not care enough? Why did he feel so insensitive?

“Tubbo?” Sam asked as he knelt down beside the shaking boy.

“Sam, why am I not crying? He was my best friend and I don’t even care about it. Why am I not crying?”

“Tubbo, you don’t have to cry to show that you’re grieving. You’re just a boy still. Just...come here.”

Sam pulled him into a hug and that’s when Tubbo felt his tears come out.

“He’s gone. I was supposed to be there for him when he got out. And he’s gone.”

“He died protecting you.”

“WHAT?” Tubbo asked, standing up.

“Dream threatened Tommy that he’d kill you if he got out, and Tommy died to his hands, telling him that he’d never lay a hand on you.”

Tubbo felt everything rush to his head. It was all too much. How could he? How could Dream?

He felt angry. He needed to get his revenge. So he pulled himself together and started walking back to his base.

“Tubbo, where are you going?”

Tubbo smiled, “I’m going to finish what Tommy started. I’m going to make Dream lose his last life.”

“Tubbo-”

“Sam, he killed my best friend. He manipulated me. I’m tired of playing his games. It’s time I made the rules.”

Sam sighed and before Tubbo could leave, Sam just handed him the compasses. “Keep them safe. After all, Tommy’s compass still works, right?”

Tubbo sighed, “Right.”

-----------------

Quackity was sitting on the signature bench and he had Wilbur’s guitar in hand. He guessed that it was about as a good time as any to sing for the soul they had just lost. The strums of the guitar echoed throughout the entire Dream SMP area and soon, people were gathering around him.

“I heard there was a special place, where men could go and emancipate the brutality and tyranny of their rulers. Well, this place is real you needn’t fret, with Wilbur, Tommy, Tubbo, and Eret. It's a very big and a little bit blown up L’Manberg.”

“My L’manberg. My L'Manberg. My L'Manberg. My L'Manberg.” Tubbo started to sing, sitting down next to Quackity as he started to sing with him.

“For freedom and for liberty, our nation sought to build on these, a victory for all under democracy. Well, the darkness came, and then it went, we built a home and watched it sink, and there from rubble, there emerged L’Manberg.” Quackity sang at the same time that Tubbo had sung the verse of the ad-libbed on the day L’manberg was destroyed.

They both laughed it off as they started to sing again.

“My L’manberg. My L'Manberg. My L'Manberg. My L'Manberg.”

Tubbo had to stop because he had started to cry. “Tommy….”

Quackity just continued. He knew that Tubbo wanted him to continue the symphony. Tommy would’ve liked to hear it.

“With bloodied hands and weakened knees, our people rose like the phoenix, our empty fields and canals ‘round L’Mantree. With sweat and tears we armed our ranks, we laid foundations in our land, and from every lips fro here up to infinity.” Quackity looked at Tubbo to make sure he was okay.

Tubbo just nodded as he continued to wipe away the endless stream of tears.

And as they came to the final verse, everyone around them started to sing with them.

“We sing L’Manberg. We sing L’Manberg. We sing L’Manberg. To our L’Manberg.”

As soon as the song was done, everyone went to hug Tubbo, grief surrounding all of them.

No one thought that Tommy would be gone so soon, especially Tubbo. The one person Tommy cared about more than the discs.

-----------------

“Ranboo….what’s wrong?” Technoblade had asked as soon as he saw Ranboo’s defeated face. “Who hurt you? Was it BBH again? I can-”

“No...nothing like that.” Ranboo shrugged it off, “It’s just….Sam told me that Tommy died today.”

Technoblade snorted, raising an eyebrow, “You know he’s probably joking, right?”

“I don’t think he is.” Ranboo whispered, “Sam told me to give this to you.”

Techno raised an eyebrow before Ranboo dropped something small into Techno’s hand. Something splattered with blood.

“It can’t be.” Techno’s voice was barely a whisper.

No...that was the friendship emerald Phil had given Tommy. Techno had seen Tommy wear it as an earring during his exile time period. Techno knew that Tommy still wore it. There would be no reason for him to lose it, and more importantly, lose it with blood splattered on it.

“I’m sorry, Techno.”

Techno felt a heavy weight on his shoulders. He knew that Tommy wasn’t ready to go just yet. Techno never got to say he was sorry for betraying the boy.

“Why are you sorry?” Techno laughed, “It wasn’t you that killed him, was it?”

“He was like a brother to you, right?”

“Tommy meant nothing to me.” Techno replied coldly as he sighed, “But I’m sorry for your loss, Ranboo. I know that Tommy was your first friend.”

Ranboo just broke down, “I never even got to say goodbye to him. There were so many things I wanted to say to him. Tubbo and I were going to compete with him with our hotel. And-”

Ranboo was caught off guard by a pair of arms wrapping around him. Technoblade was hugging him.

“He meant a lot to me too,” Techno whispered as Ranboo wrapped his arms around Techno as well.

They stood there in silence, just hugging each other for the longest time until finally, Ranboo separated. “Techno...I have something to admit.”

“Your enderwalk state was the one to trap Tommy in the prison? I know.” Techno sighed, “But that’s not you. And you can make it up by coming with me and helping me kill the green Teletubby.”

Ranboo smiled as he took the sword Techno passed him, “Let’s do this.”

-----------------

“Niki, I don’t think I want to do this plan anymore.” Jack sighed as soon as he saw Niki approaching him with plans to try and kill Tommy.

“Why not? Are you really backing out?”

“Niki, look at us. We were blaming a child for something that he’s already trying to fix. You’re blaming him for Wilbur’s death, but you know just as well as me that Wilbur was not in his right mind. He chose to die at the hands of his father.”

“Jack, where is this coming from?” Niki scoffed.

“Dream killed Tommy today. Beaten to death by his abuser in a tight space, according to Sam. It got me thinking.”

“Wait...what? Tommy’s dead.”

“Niki, you never wanted Tommy to be dead, did you? You just needed someone to blame while you were grieving.”

“No, no, no, no, no, he can’t die. We still have plans to make. We were supposed to make his death happy. He was supposed to see Wilbur and face his consequences. What do you mean Dream did it? That could’ve been the worst way for him to die.”

“Niki, we just wanted to feel important to him again. He ignored us, so we forced ourselves into his story. Look back…”

“Wilbur...did choose to die, didn’t he? It wasn’t Tommy’s fault. Oh god…” Niki sobbed, “I tried to kill him. And I couldn’t focus on having fun with him. Now he’s dead.”

Jack nodded, “Me too…”

Niki just went to hug Jack, “How can I ever forgive myself?”

“Time,” Jack whispered, knowing fully well that he needed to forgive himself too.

But for now, they felt ashamed of their actions and thoughts leading up to Tommy’s death.

“At least Dream did it instead of us,” Niki whispered. “That way, we saw clearly before we made the mistake.”

“He was just a kid, Niki.”

“I know...Tommy, we’re sorry.”

-----------------

“Tubbo...did Sam tell you?” Ranboo asked as soon as he entered the Bee N Boo hotel.

Tubbo nodded, holding up the broken compass he was looking at. “Please tell me we’re just in a dream and that Tommy is still in the prison alive, waiting for Sam to let him go.”

“I’m sorry, Tubbo.”

Tubbo slumped down, “I never even got to say goodbye to him. We thought it was over when we put Dream in jail. Sam told me he was still wearing his compass when Sam went into the cell.”

“He was my first friend.” Ranboo whispered, “Of course, we immediately got into a war crime, but he was still nice to me. I’m sorry.”

Tubbo just stood up, “Can we go and get some more blocks to finish the hotel? I don’t want to think about it.”

“Sure...come on.” Ranboo gave a small smile, “We can even go and get some red and white dye to have a memorial for Tommy in the hotel.”

“That sounds nice,” Tubbo mumbled as he allowed Ranboo to pull him towards the flower field.

-----------------

“Hey...what’s up with you two? Why so gloomy today?”

Ranboo looked up at Phil, only holding out something red.

Phil raised an eyebrow as he took it, only to realize it was the bandana he gave Tommy a long time ago.

“You guys are fucking with me, right?”

Techno shook his head as he took out Tommy’s friendship emerald, “Dream killed him in prison.”

Everything came crashing down at that point. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, he can’t be dead. Tommy’s the main character. He was supposed to show me the hotel after he got out of prison. I promised myself that I’d be a better father for him and that I would move on from Wilbur’s death. What do you mean that he’s dead?”

“I’m sorry, Phil. I know how much Tommy meant to you.” Techno sighed, putting a hand on Phil’s shoulder. “We’ll leave you alone to think about this.”

“Thank you, Techno.” Phil sighed.

Before Ranboo could leave though, Phil asked, “Did Tommy ever tell you anything about me?”

“He told me once that he missed the dad that was there for him. He said he knew you were getting better and still healing, as was he, but he was tired of you leaning on his misery in order to cope. He just wanted to have a dad again.”

With that, Ranboo left the room, leaving Phil to collapse on the ground, caving in to the voices that were telling him that he was a bad father.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Phil sobbed, “I failed you, Tommy, and it’s all my fault.”

-----------------

Tommy opened his eyes to see that he was somewhere. And nowhere at the same time. He didn’t know where he was.

“Tommy?”

He heard Wilbur and he turned around to see his brother. “Wilbur, where are we?”

“Oh, Tommy, when I meant see you soon, I didn’t mean this soon.” Wilbur pulled Tommy into a hug, “You’re in the afterlife.”

“That son of a bitch did it, huh?” Schlatt snorted, “I can’t believe he did it.”

“Schlatt-”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you.” Schlatt rolled his eyes, “But I can’t believe that Dream killed you. To prove that the book is real.”

“Is it real?” Tommy asked.

“Nah, I’m a drunk alcoholic. How the fuck am I supposed to get a necromancy book? No...I gave him something else.”

“What?”

“A script.”

“A script?”

“Our script. See, Tommy, I was supposed to be the idiot, but I managed to be one step ahead of Pogtopia. Because I knew what was going to happen. So I gave the script to Dream in order for him to win. I knew I would die in the end and that you would get a happy ending. So I needed you to continue losing. So he became self-aware. He kept causing problems and blowing things out of proportion so that there would still be a story. Without one, he wouldn’t exist. He needed you to continue doing stuff. So in the end, he knew it was him or you. And he decided to choose you. To keep the story going for a bit longer.”

“Schlatt, you sick fucker. You never told me that.” Wilbur hissed at Schlatt.

“Well, there was no reason to. We might as well become friends again in the afterlife. There’s nothing to do here. But-”

“Tommy, we’re going to get you back and you’re going to kill that son of a bitch because it isn’t your time to die.”

“How though?”

“By the same way Dream convinced you to let him live. We’re going to guide the people to find a necromancy book and we’re going to bring you back to life.”

“Wilbur, what about you? What if I just like being with my brother again?”

“You have forever to talk to me when you die, but you still have unfinished business with the rest of the Dream SMP.”

Tommy smiled, hugging Wilbur, “Okay...let’s do this then.”

They were going to help the others revive Tommy.

-----------------

Tubbo walked to Tommy’s house. Dozens of flowers laid across the doorway and items of value were on the ground for Tommy. Tubbo was the last person to not put something there.

“Hi Tommy.” Tubbo gave a small smile, “I’m sorry it took me so long to visit your house. Everyone seemed to already give you so many flowers. I don’t know if you’d like more, but I picked them out for you.”

He knelt down at the doorway, placing the flowers.

“I also got you some of the things I’ve kept. Like blue premium bonds, blaze powder flavor therapy, signs from our pranks, swords I grinded for, blocks from my house, and-”

Tubbo couldn’t continue as he held back a sob.

“I miss you so much, Tommy. Why did you have to go?”

He put the items down before walking towards the bench. It felt empty next to him.

Opening his ender chest, he found one of Tommy’s discs in there. He put it into the jukebox next to him as a familiar tune came up.

When Tommy and Tubbo had reunited, Tubbo had shown Tommy his letter he wrote for his best friend he presumed dead.

Tubbo took out the crumpled paper from his pocket.

“I miss you. The memories flashed back tonight. I want to tell you, but I’m sure you’re alright. I can’t move on from the pain and the loss that I gave you. My world is silent right now. I finally live in peace, but it seems like everyone’s been fooling me. I thought that I was fine, but now that you’re gone, I wish I had more time. Don’t you remember you call me your Tubbo? I once assured you, together we’ll grow, but now I’m alone and I don’t know what to do. Everything just leads back to you. I miss you as I sit by the horizon myself. It’s not true, I won’t forget the good times we shared. You told me it was us against the world and I’m sorry I have left you all injured and hurt. My world is silent right now. Don’t you remember I call you my Tommy? I used to tell you that I’ll never leave, but now that I did, and I don’t know what to do. I’m sure everything will lead back to you.” Tubbo read out loud, the tears dropping from his face onto the paper.

And for some reason, he couldn’t stop reading the last sentence. It made sense.

“Everything will lead back to you. Everything will lead back to you.” Tubbo sobbed. Everything he had done was for the good of Tommy or L’manberg. He just wanted to be back with his best friend again.

“Sincerely yours, Your Tubbo.” Tubbo whispered as the song ended and he put everything back into his ender chest.

He felt exhaustion come over him and he laid down on the bench, his tears still flowing down his face. Sleep came over him soon as he cried himself to sleep.

Tommy was gone for real this time and Tubbo couldn’t do anything to reverse it.

[givemeonebreath]

A big, messy Linked Universe playlist

Link for Links

Heavy on the angst, because of who I am as a person. (At the same time, don’t take it too seriously, man.)

Influenced by canon, manga (TP Link is really Going Through It™ ), my personal perceptions, and popular fandom canon.

A pretty wide variety of genres, with a bias towards metal and prog rock.

I kept snippets of lyrics for most songs, also because of who I am as a person. (Some were particularly hard to narrow down to just one verse or chorus.) Those - and a little more rambling - are under the cut if you really want, in the order of the playlist. But. It’s long.

I didn’t initially make this with the intent to share, but hey. Throughout my past year+ of listening, I’ve been haphazardly adding songs to a playlist I very creatively named Links. If something reminded me of them, whether through the music or lyrics or both, I threw it on the playlist, so some songs might seem odd or vague. Some are really on the nose, as subtle as a sledgehammer. (Sky for Sky? Dude. Sorry.) Some are there because of a fitting line or two that stuck in my head. Ultimately, music - like any form of creative expression - can be interpreted in a multitude of ways. 

My listening habits and tastes are erratic, which is why this is one big, jumbled playlist and not separated for different Links. Not to mention if I did that, some (Wild, Legend) would have a lot and some (Wind, Four) would have none, both because of my own familiarity with them, and because of the general themes of the music I tend to listen to. Most songs are a general ‘hero’s spirit reborn’ mood, anyway - those are the first part of the playlist. The second half is more nuanced to specific Links, plus a few Ganon vibes.

1. Deep Purple - April (Koji Kondo, composer of the original Legend of Zelda theme, was into Deep Purple as a kid, and it shows.)

2. Kamelot - Regalis Apertura

3. Au4 - So Just Hang On, Beautiful One (I’ve posted this here before. I can’t hear it without thinking of LU now.) So I slipped in through the gate almost unknown. All my border stamps were late. Seven days old. Cold hand griped my shoulder blade, broke the bone. Bloody nose and turned away, all the way home.

4. FC Kahuna - Hayling Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here

5. Glass Animals - Youth Boy, when I left you you were young I was gone, but not my love You were clearly meant for more Than a life lost in the war

6. Pain of Salvation - Restless Boy A restless boy in a world too slow A flame born into cinder, ash, and glow I've given everything I gave it all Yet find myself alone

7. Haken - The Endless Knot Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line our cycle starts to fail. Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line we die to live again.   We need a story to believe in. We need a hero to prevail. We need a challenge we can overcome, it takes a tragedy to make us one 

8. Kamelot - Memento Mori (I particularly associate this with Time and Twilight) I am the god in my own history The master of the game I may believe if she would come to me And whisper out my name Sometimes I wonder where the wind has gone If life has ever been Sometimes I wonder how belief alone Can cut me free from sin

9. Katatonia - Fighters Look I told you so We never stop If we said that We'll back it up For sure You know We're fighters

10. Megadeth - This Day We Fight! (I mean, all Links, but particularly Warriors) For this I was chosen, because I fear nothing With confidence I tread through the dead of the night Off to another war-torn, faraway battlefield Wherein lies a demonic enemy horde

11. Moon Tooth - Igneous Well, the spirit took me And this old broken body leapt up and danced Settin’ out Settin' out with all my heroes in a bundle at my back Hawk am I More wings span in my shadow than overcast Yeah, you know what they say Always need something to look up to, ha

12. Samael - Moongate Destiny, tomorrow is today Destiny, without boundaries How many nights will we spend together traveling infinity back and forth and again How many times will we go together questioning eternity about us about our wonders...

13. TOOL- Parabola This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

14. Lunatic Soul - Blood on the Tightrope No matter how hard you try To shut down your feverish thoughts They hunt you down with no regret Cause you have to fix it all

15. Hybrid - Keep It In The Family

16. Soul Savers - Unbalanced Pieces Gone, now carry on Through violent seasons I call you mother, mother, mother In vain, absent chain The twilight's bleeding And the playing board has two unbalanced pieces

17. Steve Von Till - Valley of the Moon All she gives is a stone facade Like ill-given flowers at a dead man's wake Here we slave for the dreams of another And fight over scraps like wayward dogs

18. Ludovico Einaudi - Experience

19. Lunatic Soul - Summoning Dance Three stones on the right side Three stones on the left My vicious circle of life and death   “Oh you want it” I hear it again “Oh you want it” My burden Curse to break

20. Lunatic Soul - Through Shaded Woods Run through your shaded woods Run through your shaded mind Run through the night Run away Run through the darkness Run

21. Lunatic Soul - Naavie

22. David Bowie - Nature Boy There was a boy A very strange, enchanted boy They say he wandered very far Very far, over land and sea A little shy and sad of eye But very wise was he

23. The Dandy Warhols - Sleep Well, I could sleep forever But it's of her I dream If I could sleep forever I could forget about everything 

24. Au4 - Everyone is Everyone (and Everything is Everything) Tripping and tumbling, Flipping and fumbling. Flowing on the rivers of sadness That have been forever rumbling.   But from dawn until now Of all the paths that I could have gone down Of all the valleys That I could have been flowing through.   In spite of all the chaos And all that has come between us, How is it I still find myself Here with you. 

25. Kingcrow - Everything Goes Your hands again upon the ground Falling rain for hours and hours As you learn the game Time dispels the fog ... Ever been there? Ever felt like prey? Ever thought your mind was feeble? Lot of things that don’t make sense

26. Pain of Salvation - Icon As a child I felt too old And now when I'm grown-up I feel too young A different kind so I've been told Just slightly out of reach and out of time

27. Sophia Loizou - Divine Interference (I got spooky dungeon vibes. Also, the title.)

28. Carpenter Brut - Fab Tool Runnin Gunnin Forward in the phantom shatter so grand Splatter grand, arcanum fuel Wrought iron out of the sky Over me, tells no lie

29. Blue Stahli - Death Will Have to Run All on the open road Where none will ever grow A journey toward the known With countless miles to go

30. Gyroscope - Mistakes & Ladders I am the first? No I can't be the first A continuous nothing, destined for something Tell me who you are and why you trapped me here

31. Queens of the Stone Age - Run, Pig, Run Run, pig, run Here I come

32. Chali 2na & Krafty Kuts - Guard The Fort The swords are drawn and odds are stacked And we clash the impact's a thunderous clap Calm demeanor Even though we are under attack [...my turn to guard the fort ready for combat]

33. The Great Discord - Army of Me (lol)

34. Kongos - Terrified I think I'll start again and change my name You only live once or twice, what a shame Somebody fucked up when designing this game

35. Woodkid - Run Boy Run Run, boy, run! This ride is a journey to Run, boy, run! The secret inside of you Run, boy, run! This race is a prophecy Run, boy, run! And disappear in the trees

36. The Beta Machine - The End A million miles away from you this time I'll do what it takes I'm on my way If lines are in the sand I'll go under If I can make it in time I will bring you back with me

37. Devin Townsend Project - Gump When we last met who was I? I'm sorry we no longer see eye to eye The energy to keep you in while keeping myself out I'm sorry how you'll take this  But I just don't have the patience anymore 

38. Arrested Youth - Riot! I can't get much satisfaction living in this cave It's tough to breathe, I'm in the belly of the beast Can't sleep with all my rage With me and all my generations living in this cage Pick up your guns and tell your sons, tonight we break the cage

39. Led Zeppelin - Friends So anytime somebody needs you Don't let them down, although it grieves you Some day you'll need someone like they do Looking for what you knew

40. Faunts - M4, pt 2 (Wild) Fight your foes you're not alone Holy war is on the phone Asking to please stay on hold Bleeding loss of blood runs cold And I need you to recover   Because I can't make it on my own

41. Faith No More - Ashes to Ashes (Wild) I want them to know it's me, it's on my head I'll point the finger at me, it's on my head Smiling with the mouth of the ocean And I'll wave to you with the arms of the mountain

42. Devin Townsend - Jupiter (Wild) I know you At least I think I do Everything's changed But in the days that are so dark It's wonderful

43. Katatonia - Neon Epitaph (Wild) Shadow of my shadow Cling not to my grief I am long left behind now You are free

44. The Smashing Pumpkins - The Beginning is the End is the Beginning (Wild) Time has stopped before us The sky cannot ignore us No one can separate us For we are all that is left The echo bounces off me The shadow lost beside me There's no more need to pretend Cause now I can begin again 

45. Katatonia - Lacquer (Wild) My voice travelling Soaring bird above your head The house we lived in Ridden with disease ... The levee breaking I can't live to fight once more The road to the grave is straight as an arrow I'm just staying around to sing your song, baby

46. Eskimo Joe - This is Pressure (Wild) There is no romance in suffocation  The walls fall down like your expectations You want to scream  And you want to shout But you've built up steam  And you can't let it out This is pressure 

47. Portugal. The Man - 1000 Years (Wild) We'll wait 1000 years  Until the end of time We'll wait 1000 more Dressed up in gold and white We'll climb the mountain sides  To find what's in the sky We'll dig through mountain sides  To find what's deep inside

48. Au4 - An Ocean’s Measure of Sorrow (Wild) Forgot my name and who I was. Memories of nothing floating up. All of the sorrow we once knew, Colours the ocean's water blue.

49. Band of Skulls - Carnivorous (Twilight) I am corrosive and cohesive Like a chemical bond I'm all together undone I am the broken kingdom I'm just so, so, so  So carnivorous

50. Glass Animals - Flip (Twilight) I wanna go back with a club and attack I wanna take to my guns and break you I gotta make my little foe take his own

51. TV on the Radio - Wolf Like Me (Twilight) My mind has changed my body's frame, but, God, I like it My heart's aflame, my body's strained, but, God, I like it

52. Kamelot - The Spell (Twilight) All my demons cast a spell The souls of dusk rising from the ashes So the book of shadows tell The weak will always obey the master

53. OSI - Radiologue (Legend) I was dreaming I was heading west thirty days faster Had a fever woke up in a sweat bailing out the water  Can't go on Can't go back   Heard your voice coming through the noise wrote it in the radio log Hurt my head, wondering what you said so I threw it overboard  

54. Katatonia - Don’t Tell A Soul (Legend) I have been destroyed by the perfection that is a lie see I'm moving soon see my feet are already on the road and if you know where I’m going don’t tell a soul

55. Haken - The Mind’s Eye (Legend) The shape of things to come are closer than they seem Changing your design every time you disappear I'm planning my escape through portals of your mind Where people seem to drop like flies

56. Pain of Salvation - Species (Legend) Sometimes I hate my fucking species Yet most days I'll do anything to please it  My generation was fooled to pursue our dreams But it is not what it seems You never need what you want And you rarely want what you need

57. Euringer - Do You Kiss Your Mama with That Mouth? (Legend) All my life, misunderstood I'm fuckin' too smart, too smart for my own good The last question, before I go is "Hey motherfucka, do you kiss your mama with that mouth?"  Yes! I kiss your mama with this mouth

58. !!! - Pardon My Freedom (Legend) Like I give a fuck, like I give a shit Like I give a fuck about that shit Like I give a fuck about that motherfucking shit

59. Team Sleep - Ataraxia (Legend) Froze asleep Coma deep I dream I'm out with you Alone at sea

60. Oliver Tank - Embrace (Legend) You're in my dreams The world is torn apart at the seams And I don't wanna leave Wearing my heart on it's sleeve

61. Machine Gun Fellatio - The Girl of My Dreams (Is Giving Me Nightmares) (Legend) The girl of my dreams is giving me nightmares I don't know what it means but she's got multi-coloured hair When she stands in the sand I dream of peaches And I'm not sure what that means either

62. Earl Greyhound - Shotgun (Legend & Hyrule) I am nobody, nobody is who I am I am a traveler on this land And nothing, nothing, nothing in my hands

63. TV on the Radio - Staring at the Sun (Hyrule) You're staring at the sun You're standing in the sea Your mouth is open wide You're trying hard to breathe The water's at your neck There's lightning in your teeth Your body's over me

64. Echo & The Bunnymen - The Killing Moon (Time) Fate Up against your will Through the thick and thin He will wait until You give yourself to him

65. Sufjan Stevens - Sugar (Sky) Don’t break my heart, don’t break my flow now And all this rage has got to go now Let’s take up this lifeline Come on, baby, gimme some sugar Don’t make me wait Don’t make me wait too long Don’t make me sing the sad song Come on, baby, gimme some sugar

66. Obsydians - Ascension (Sky) Rise above the hardships you’ll face I will sign and keep on rising As long as you are giving me your soul and keep me awake Feel like home and spread your light around I will listen and just be there As long as you are giving me your love I’ll give you my soul

67. Sonique - Sky -_-

68. Enter Shikari - The King (Ganon) Watch your back, my friend I'm about to kickstart a cycle Of never ending revenge And this time it's primal, it's tribal

69. Saul Williams - WTF! (Ganon, Hylia) "You've been polluted, uprooted by time You have been muted, computed but I'm A living vessel of the one, of the moon, of the sun" Hey! You ain't as dead as you seem, what the fuck? Hey! But you keep living your lies

70. These New Puritans - We Want War (Ganon/ Dark Link/ any nemesis I guess) Shadows dance back up, it's happening again If you listen carefully you might hear them whisper: "We hold all the secrets, we hold all the words; But they're scrambled and broken so you'll never know" Can't you see them Floating like black ash? Can't you feel them Crawling down your back?