#and I thought I'd never find someone for whom I would mean them this much

[ellalalala]

A semi-long rant about Dottore's implied self-hatred, loneliness and inner struggles

I am, like many others, endlessly fascinated by Dottore, which means that I've been sucking the game dry for any Dottore content I can find; I've watched the dialogue between him and Nahida numerous times, read the "Zandik's Legacy" notes over and over and even the description of the "Wise Doctor's Pinion" from the Pale Flame artifact set. So much has already been said about him, but I'd like to offer my own two cents about an aspect of his character that is often ignored in favor of his villainy: Dottore's inner struggles.

I'll recount everything that I've gathered and tell you of my interpretation of Dottore's character.

To start, one thing that I never see people mention is a line from Nahida's retelling of the Tatarasuna incident. In the very beginning of the cutscene, we see a monster covered in light blue fur (obviously Dottore) who Nahida describes in a very interesting way. She says:

"Once in a while, the monster would take off its fox fur at night, and lament to itself as it gazed at its reflection in the water: "I am a monstrosity, yet they are too foolish to see it. I pity them."

Of course, it's easy to say that this is just a fairy tale Nahida created to preserve Scaramouche's memories and that this could've been made up - which is only half true! We must remember that Nahida has seen Dottore's consciousness. She already knew of the arguments between his Segments when Dottore confronted her to take the Electro and Dendro gnoses. Why do I bring this specific line up, though?

Because this line outright tells us that: 1) Dottore spent sleepless nights in Tatarasuna reflecting on himself; 2) That he, perhaps sincerely, pitied the people of Tatarasuna for not seeing past his facade.

I also think that the use of the word 'lament' is very interesting. To lament means to express sorrow and regret for something. I would think that this implies Dottore feeling remorseful for not just who he was, but what he would do to Tatarasuna. To provide further proof, I think it is important to look at the expression on the furry monster's face (as Nahida portrays it) when it laments to itself:

(What a cute little thing.)

It looks a bit... upset, doesn't it? Like it is mad at itself as it gazes into the water. This expression, combined with his thoughts and the use of the word 'lament' gives us a clear sign that many ignored: Dottore isn't as shallow of a villain as we thought.

Later in the cutscene, Nahida says:

"But the monster soon found solace when another came to live among the foxes who was not their kin: a kitten, carved from the wood of a white tree, who had been abandoned by the humans."

And in that moment, we see a wide-eyed little monster gazing at the kitten:

(Feels really silly to use this as an example but you've gotta trust the process)

Here, Dottore found someone like himself. An outcast, a creature that did not quite fit in with the ordinary humans - someone who could understand Dottore's loneliness and ostracization. After getting chased out of his hometown for his blasphemous ideas, after getting expelled from the Akademiya and possibly exiled to Aaru Village for his heretical views - Dottore had finally found someone to whom he could say: "See? They will never accept us. It is you and I against them, for they will never understand us."

What person wouldn't seek companionship, after all?

But things didn't turn out the way Dottore expected them to. Unlike Dottore, Scaramouche didn't need to hide his true identity in order to be accepted by the people of Tatarasuna. Thus, the following happened:

"Furious at this happy resolution, the monster lit a fire on the mountain. The terrified animals panicked as the fire spread..."

... and we know the rest. What matters is this: Dottore was angry and jealous of Scaramouche. Exiled from his hometown, rejected by his peers, insulted and looked down upon just for wanting to destroy the imbalance between Man and God - and along comes a puppet, a creation of the Raiden Shogun, who receives acceptance and guidance from the people of Tatarasuna. Not just that, but the only creature who could share Dottore's loneliness is whisked away from him, proving once again that Dottore will never know what it means to have a true companion.

Thus he tricked Scaramouche into believing that Niwa had betrayed them, had him join the Fatui and later used him as the blueprint for the creation of his Segments. Dottore basically ruined Scaramouche's life out of bitter jealousy.

That should be it about Tatarasuna for now. What I'd like to focus on next is the conversation between Dottore and Nahida in the 3.2 Archon Quest.

There are a few lines that interest me, so I'll go over them one by one.

Dottore uses a lot of big words to sound like he's saying something profound when in reality he's saying nothing at all (a nice callback to his Commedia Dell'arte counterpart), but there is one thing that both he and Nahida place great emphasis on: the fact that Dottore, smart as he is, cannot make peace with himself.

First to say it is Dottore. After asking Nahida for her opinion on his Segments, he says:

"Indeed. It's difficult for humans... to make peace with themselves, not to mention oneself from a different period."

The line still feels out of place. It sounds as if he is musing to himself.

Again, we get a line about his Segments, after Nahida asked him to erase them:

"You were observing me, and that's how you know I've long grown tired of their doubts and endless arguments."

I think it's safe to assume that the arguing is a metaphor for his struggle of self-acceptance. It seems every Segment has something to say to the others, but more on that later.

Nahida uses Dottore's own words against him:

"Like you said, it's difficult to make peace with yourself. Being as smart as you are, have you managed to do that?"

It's important to note that Dottore doesn't answer that question, but even without that, it's obvious to us, the players - of course Dottore hasn't managed to do that.

Whenever Nahida questions the relationship between his Segments, Dottore easily changes the subject. For example:

"Is the relationship between all the versions of you really that bad?"

"I don't think there's any need to dwell on that. The surplus versions of me can be exchanged for a Gnosis. Do you think anyone can offer themselves at a higher price?"

His Segments all argue constantly. When considered that they are replicas of Dottore at different stages of his life, this takes on an entirely new meaning - beyond his facade, Dottore is a man who can barely make out who he is.

Consider this also: in "A Winter Night's Lazzo", Columbina tells him, "You're looking very young today, Doctor."

To which Dottore replies, "You know very well that I do not take that as a compliment."

A piece of dialogue that had been brushed off by many, myself included - until I realized what this might imply. Dottore finds Columbina's comment insulting because he hates who he is. He hates the younger versions of himself because they represent a Dottore who didn't have the knowledge he has at this current stage of his life. They weren't as smart, as knowledgeable. But that's not really the full extent of it, of course.

Dottore was never fully accepted by anyone, this we have established. In the Akademiya, the students called him a 'madman', a 'monster' (as said in the Wise Doctor's Pinion). When we meet him in the 3.1 Archon Quest, he is referred to as 'The Outcast'. He is always being alienated, but could we assume that he just accepted this rejection and decided to embrace the titles people had thrown at him? This is just... very bold speculation, of course. It is impossible to deny that Dottore didn't always naturally stand out due to his heretical views, but I think it's worth considering that he could have just chosen to be the monster people thought of him as. After all, in the confrontation between him and Niwa, Dottore tells Niwa to think of him as a monster and a demon (for a reason that was... meant to be comforting? Not very important right now).

Consider also how different all the Segments sounded when they found out that they were being erased. All of the voices, along with their manner of speech, varied greatly; I interpreted this as proof of the many masks Dottore has worn over the course of his life. Dottore abandoned whatever humanity he had and decided to embrace the mask of a monster, constantly reinventing himself because he isn't secure in his identity - perhaps he doesn't have one at all. He is a scholar, a Harbinger, a researcher - but without those titles, what is left? What is he left with when he sheds those facades? The constant dodging of Nahida's questions about his Segments, the arguments and the worries of said Segments, the introspection in the cutscene about the Tatarasuna incident - indeed, Dottore is a man filled with self-hatred. A lonely outcast who has never known the comfort of kinship. A monster who swallowed his loneliness and dedicated his life to research.

That should be it, I suppose. My brain is fried and if I remember anything that I might have missed, I'll add that info later.

I want to mention one thing: this doesn't mean Dottore is a misunderstood good guy - doesn't take a genius to know that that is not true. Dottore has no regard for human life (which is ironic, considering how he believes humans have great potential and he wants them to be equal with the Gods). He has hurt so many and I'm sure he will continue to do so. He is evil, but it should be noted that he was once just an ordinary human, too. There must be an explanation for why he is the way he is. It's easy to paint him as just a monster because damn he's good at what he does; but I like to think that there is a layer to him that we just haven't fully seen yet. I'm excited to find out more about him when Snezhnaya gets released in like 2 years... ha. If you've read this far, thank you a lot! Curious to know what you guys think. I love Dottore

[raointean]

Funniest responses* to the "What does "Blorbo" mean?" question

(In reference to my silmarillion fandom linguistics project, the results of which you can find in my "survey says" tag)

*not necessarily the full response, some are just fragments from longer responses. Also, I'm not filtering by "correct" or "incorrect" responses

Special Little Guy (gender neutral)

Lmao. That's like, my special little guy. He takes up my brain space. I'm rotating him.

you know how lilo from lilo and stitch has that doll she made, complete with backstory? basically like that

one's blorbo is a character one cares a lot about. it kind of has like... condescending or woobifying connotations? like expressing that Maedhros is your blorbo is sort of uh... one imagines like, a chibi Maedhros. cute, not scary. but it doesn't necessarily imply the speaker has distorted perception of the character in general, just a sort of fondness

The character a person wants to use as a doll/stuffed animal

A character who the author loves too much (and knows it)

"OMG Blorbo was in the new trailer for 5 seconds!" is a common statement

which often provokes... strange thoughts at 11pm.

Beloved character who you think about entirely too much and also enjoy putting in Situations

It implies some degress of being pathetic as well.

No relation to Blorbo Baggins.

The character you put under a microscope, put through the cheese grater, put into the salad spinner, and squeeze like a plushie.

A beloved character whom you want to both stick in a microwave and protect with all you have

character one fangirls* over (*gender neutral)

Just a little guy, whom I am deeply enamored of and just want to squish on the head and see what happens.

Favourive character, often pathetic, someone to pity as much as love

obsessed. baby. Will run my mouth off about them

the word "favorite" wasn't enough to encapsulate "the exact kind of character made specifically for me in the lab" either. my friendgroup started calling those types of characters "callouts" because they were calling you out by existing Exactly To Your Tastes

(not necessarily in a way that condones their actions, but deeply beloved nonetheless)

The "cinnamon roll" kind. Idk I love Namo but I'd never call him a blorbo, it just wouldn't feel right.

??

dear?

My personal favourite character, whom I want to adopt even if he's a dark lord

A particularly beloved (or beloathed-in-a-positive-way) character.

Generally seem to be problematic favs.

I think it was originally meant to be somewhat mocking, but it was wholeheartedly adopted and is now used unironically.

A favored character that usually is subjected to great amounts of trauma and or fluff.

A favourite character, usually male

The obsession character

Feanor/character you are unreasonably attached to esp. if they are a Bad Person TM

The character who is most special and beloved to you (and often that means you're gonna put them through The Horrors)

a character that makes you chew on the bars of your enclosure

Special little character from my shows(tm)

usually having an aura of kicked wet puppy (brimby)

You'd build a shrine to them

Idk, ask the children 😹. Er. Hot character you like? I'm sure people have very complex definitions explaining why they like the hot character but I don't take fandom that seriously.

Your guy (gender neutral), not a comfort character, but perhaps a character you would like to see experience the worst situations possible (affectionate)

occasionally blorbo from my floor (my cat)

Just a widdle pathetic guy 🥺😈

A favourite character, thuogh usually one you squash like a stress ball or squeaky toy rather than put gently on a shelf

Ungoliant

Guy (gender neutral) who I hold in my hand like a neat rock and look at

character whom i will put in a glass and shake

character you are putting in the metaphorical salad spinner

A favourite character, often a war criminal treated like they did nothing wrong, they are a little kitty

(character you're particularly attached to and usually put in physically and/or mentally torturous situations for fun)

A character you’ve imprinted on and like seeing in misery. They’re your wet cat you enjoy pouring water on but also toweling off

Your favorite character, to whom no harm may come (except in the service of angst)

my guy. my friend my buddy. the person

Literally your favourite ever character, but not like you want to f*ck them, more like "how much can i let them suffer?"

Your favouritest character from media that you like to put in all kinds of situations, but is not morally problematic.

favourite character you want to bully

a fictional character that you like to an obsessive amount, typically more than other favourite characters; your specialist little guy; someone you are unwell about; you don’t always have to like your blorbo per day but they must take up constant thought space

[violetasteracademic]

What does it take for regifted jewelry to be romantic?

Rambling crap post that will literally only make sense of you have seen the movie The Family Stone but let's do it.

Sometimes I genuinely try to understand other ships. I actually really mean that, in a deeply authentic and non sarcastic way. If this shipwar wasn't so nasty, I'd engage with other people the way I do with my real, human, offline friends- some of whom are E/lucien's and G/wynriels. They are genuinely wonderful people who are not chronically online like we are (and we are, there's no point throwing that around as an insult) and they don't actually care that much. They are just going off vibes - but would be absolutely disgusted to see the violent misogyny and bullying that takes place here. We enjoy talking to each other about the ships, even when we don't agree.

Typically, when I am trying to understand something, I seek out more of it. I've asked my friends for fated mate book recommendations that match E/Lucien's story (meeting your mate, then genuinely falling for another person that is absolutely right for you in every way except for the fact that he is not your mate, and somehow the plot leads to falling in love with your mate that you don't like anyways because fate is always right and never makes mistakes, even if everyone is questioning it because you have feelings for someone else) and I haven't been able to find anything. The closest I can get is meeting your mate when you are possibly already in love/engaged/what have you to someone else and then you find out that person you are already with is actually the worst (aka Graysen) and then you wind up falling in love naturally and authentically with your mate. This is what makes it work. The person who isn't your mate showing his true colors and realizing you were wrong about them.

I think this is why Azriel's character has been rewritten to create a moment of the male Elain is actually into showing his true colors. Otherwise, her moving on to her mate that she isn't interested in just because the guy she likes rejected her literally doesn't make any sense. It can't be political machinations and the threat of violence and exterior motives and interference keeping Azriel and Elain apart. It has to be Azriel's personality and personhood, or the fated mates typical structure that I assume everyone is basing their thought process on falls apart.

I've actually been wracking my brain for years to find a piece of art or story that represents a piece of jewelry being regifted symbolizing the transference of a relationship and I FINALLY realized- my favorite holiday movie- The Family Stone! My God, the movie is literally named for the piece of jewelry, his mother's ring.

Finally having a piece to work with and pick apart allowed me to understand what elements are required to really pull off "regifting" to show that the gift is symbolically landing where it needs to go in a moving and romantic way.

1: The jewelry must not have been picked out and purchased for a specific woman, with deep and thoughtful insights as to why the man saw this piece of jewelry and thought of the woman he loves. In The Family Stone, the ring is an heirloom. It is no one's ring but his mother's. And the journey of this stone landing on the hand of the woman that is right for Emmet is deep, complicated, and heart breaking.

This is not the case for Azriel, who saw the rose necklace (very widely agreed to symbolically represent Elain on all sides) and saw something that the full depth and color was revealed when held to the light, a thing of secret, lovely beauty. And he knew it was meant for Elain. My God. Jfc. That's poetry.

2: The original recipient of the gift must actively show displeasure or disappointment in the jewelry- further revealing that this is the wrong woman.

In The Family Stone, Meredith (Sarah Jessica Parker), the "first" and "wrong" woman sees the ring on her little sister Julie's finger (Claire Danes) and while there is some drama (the ring symbolically gets stuck on Julie's finger lolol) Meredith looks at the ring and hilariously goes- "That's it?" because the diamond is so small. She doesn't like it. She wouldn't want to wear it. Meanwhile Julie was stunned. She lost her breath over its beauty and was overwhelmed.

Elain was also stunned and breathless at how beautiful her gift was. She wants to wear it immediately, and she wants him to put it on her. The act of this beautiful, thoughtful gift emboldens Elain to do something she has never done before: Blatant, unrestricted touching. Even while the man she is supposed to be with, the man whose gifts do disappoint her, sleeps upstairs. So the classic holiday romance trope of one gift is right and one gift is wrong is already playing out. From Elain's perspective, the woman who will demand a say in who she chooses and is the only confirmed FMC, she's been getting disappointing gifts from her mate for years. When she finally sees a gift that steals the air from her lungs and lights up her eyes, a gift she wants to wear and use immediately after years of lukewarm responses to the man she is "meant" to be with, it's romantic as fuck. Unless you don't like her and don't want her with Azriel, in which case it isn't romantic to you personally. However, personal opinion on Elain doesn't actually change the fact that after years of many of us already assuming Az and Elain were into each other, they had an extremely classic holiday romance reveal.

4: The act of changing your mind about who will receive this gift, in order for it to be romantic, must be an act of hope. An act of joy and dreams and revelation. Realizing that there is more out there for you, and after years of playing it safe, of trying to make it work for the wrong reasons with the wrong woman, you are ready to be brave and break your character patterns to act on that dream of happiness.

Near the climax of The Family Stone, we discover that Emmet's mother, the keeper of this ring, has had her breast cancer return. It is already clear she is not going to make it this time.

We learn that Emmet has been acting out of trauma, grief, and loss. He cannot wrap his mind around the thought of getting married without his mother being there. In a heart breaking scene, Sybil finally gives Emmet the ring she has been refusing the entire movie and lets him know it is his decision. But she also frees him from the horrible pressure he has placed on himself to get married while she is still alive. She wishes passion, joy, and happiness for him. She helps him cope with the loss of her, helps him heal the wound and burdens he carries of trying to be the Perfect Son and do everything right. All she wants for him is happiness and love. But ultimately, the decision is his.

In a rush of hope and healing, Emmet asks Julie to try the ring on. He wants to see it on her. It is a culmination. It is powerful, emotional, and restorative. In this story of brothers and sisters coping with the loss of their mother and trying to find their personal happiness, they all wind up together in the end. Meredith winds up telling Emmet she can't marry him, before he even reveals he decided not to ask her, because they both knew it wasn't right. It was so clear that they weren't in love with each other, but just trying to fit this ideal picture for reasons that had nothing to do with love. Still, Meredith isn't a villain, and winds up falling in love with his brother. The next year, everyone but Sybil gathers as a family, the first Christmas without her. The grief is palpable, but so is the love. The image of Sybil smiling at her gathered family through last year's gifted photograph of her ends the movie.

Azriel's regifting of Elaine's necklace was not a culmination. It was not an act of hope, it was not Azriel releasing Elain because he realized his love for her was not genuine and there was real and true happiness to be found in G/wyn. He did not even care to give it to her directly. He gave it to Clotho, who absolutely read the vibes and noted his sadness. He didn't even care if it wound up with Gwyn or literally any other priestess. He needed to relieve himself of the necklace because of the pain of not being able to be with Elain, just like Cassian yeeted his first Solstice gift to Nesta into the Sidra after her rejection. Regifted or getting rid of gifts as an act of pain is not romance. It is not even symbolic of a change. It only reflects a man who is hurting because he has nowhere to channel his love and longing.

What I find odd is that most people do agree that Az regifting the necklace via Clotho is absolutely not romantic, thus Azriel incel fuckboy (which literally makes no sense) was born. For the necklace regift to hold the symbolism that G/wynriels want it to hold (a sort of passing of the torch of Azriel's affection and attention) they agree that this is icky and gross behavior but G/wyn will fix him and he'll stop being icky and gross. I'd ask for recommendations on romances like that to try to understand that thought process as well, but frankly I am not interested.

Azriel getting rid of the necklace was not an act of hope, it was an act of pain. It was lot an act of love, it was an act of loss.

A change in who a gift belongs to can be romantic, with the right elements. The great ACOSF bonus chapter necklacegate has none of them. And yet somehow, even though everyone agrees it wasn't romantic, people are still out here arguing that it clearly symbolizes a new romance.

I assure you, romance symbolizes romance. It shouldn't be tricky or leave you feeling icky or like the MMC is flaky and entitled. I cannot think of a single romance author who thinks it's a good idea to sit down and write toxic fuckbois as MMC's. Even if they were toxic fuckbois in the past, they IMMEDIATELY simp for their women. As of now, Azriel still hasn't noticed G/wyn, his supposed mate, and is hurting and heartbroken over another woman that he would kill for if asked to. He is not coping with it by raking about town and looking for a new girl to fall in love with since he was ordered away from the one he wanted. He's just training, not sleeping, and putting rocks in snowballs.

When trying to determine what is being foreshadowed as romance, if we have to stretch beyond asking the simple question what is romantic, I fear we have lost the plot.

[beeanca-writing]

That other anon was being an asshole, but I am curious about what you had planned for EfC? Not gonna lie, I'll miss the cast—would be nice to know what happens to who!

I'm still unsure what I'll do with EfC. I might come back to it once this current period of my life is over, though it'd likely be very different. First of all, it'd be a shorter story. I'd either get rid of some of the ROs, or find some way to better integrate them into the narrative (compare Harry, who you can have this huge, important backstory with vs Val, whom I love but is also just some guy, I guess?). It'd also probably be more focused on romance since that's usually what interests me the most in IF anyway.

I also might scrap a lot of it and stick to the storylines that interest me the most—mainly the Harry stuff. A shorter game dealing with The Hedonist returning to Court and having to face Harry sounds really fun to write, and it'd be a lot less complex to plan than this whole mess. Also, Harry is definitely a more developed character than some of the other ROs. For example, I love Camila to death, but she doesn't have much significance in the story other than "The Hedonist's friend" and I was never able to find her some meaning.

I'd also make The Hedonist even more of a fixed character by getting rid of all personality stats and focusing solely on their actions instead of worrying about personality. The stats were all carried over from CoG, and it's never been something I enjoy in their brand of IF. I was going to do this anyway when I first transferred the game to Twine, but stupidly asked Tumblr what they thought and, since most people preferred keeping the stats, I did that even though I didn't really want to.

As for to what would happen to the cast... In case I do come back to EfC, I don't think this would change much, so I'll put it into a read more in case someone doesn't want to know. If anyone has any more questions, don't hesitate to ask!

Grandma would die. Sorry!

Also, Cordelia was The Hedonist's twin who drowned in front of them, but that was a bit obvious, wasn't it? I'd definitely remove that from any rewrites, it's so unnecessary and cliché.

Henry would divorce Elizabeth to be with Nicholas. The Hedonist could either support him on this or not.

Due to the divorce, the rest of the family would be disgraced in Court. Evie's reputation is a little less affected if she's still with Harry.

As I mentioned in the past, The Hedonist can choose whether to stay in Court or not at the end.

The Hedonist and Evie can repair their relationship or not. Evie eventually makes an effort to become friends with The Hedonist, and you could choose whether to play nice or not. If The Hedonist romances Harry and you manage to have a good relationship, she forgives you, but asks for some time away from both The Hedonist and Harry.

I didn't really plan Camila's character arc well. She becomes a Republican rebel and can either still be friends with The Hedonist or have distanced herself a bit if they continue to be an asshole.

Sabina can choose to no longer be a nun if encouraged either by a friend or romanced Hedonist. If you romanced her but didn't encourage her to leave the convent, she dumps you. (Note: You later find out she was forced to become a nun by her family.)

Similarly to Sabina, Narcissa can choose to break things off with the Emperor if, again, encouraged either by a friend or romanced Hedonist.

Calvin's ending is the wildest one, actually. He finds out he's a father after the boy's mother passes away. The Hedonist can either tell him to abandon the boy or tell him to raise him (if Calvin is romanced, they kind of become a step parent).

Val can be encouraged to start studying to become a librarian. Also, his whole thing is that his father is the Emperor lol

Lastly, horse boy Harry will want to divorce Evie if romanced and marry The Hedonist instead. If you refuse to marry him, he divorces her anyway but doesn't stay with The Hedonist. A friend!Harry stays with Evie, I think? I don't know.

[little-devils-advocate]

My Personal Experience With Neil Gaiman Here on Tumblr

So, I'm sure anyone who comes across my Blog will see from my Pinned Post that it was previously Deactivated here on Tumblr. I essentially used the Blog to discuss controversial issues: abortion, gun control, BLM, etc. & had done a lot of work there. I had been running it for years & talked about some pretty heavy stuff, catching a lot of criticism for my views, but I had never been Deactivated or even had anything taken down.

As you can see from what I have Posted here since restarting, I am a huge advocate for the homeless. I had been Following @neil-gaiman for a while as a minor fan, mainly due to my enjoyment of his stories Stardust & American Gods. I've read none of his books, because the writing style didn't appeal to me, but I have some of them & watched the Stardust movie & the American Gods show.

Anyway, I'd previously seen him Posting here on Tumblr complaining about his residuals & how little money he was making, which rubbed me the wrong way for obvious reasons, but I let it go, because it wasn't that big of a deal to me at the time. Everyone has scruples.

OP:

Months later I saw him Posting about the recent writer's strike & going on a tangent again. Everyone was patting him on the back & agreeing with him & it irked me. Badly. So, I Reblogged it with a picture of a tent city & a link to Sia's album Some People Have Real Problems. Obviously, it irked me that someone of his means was complaining about his residuals & how little writers make when people all over the country are struggling to make ends meet, many of them falling victim to homelessness. Like I said: some people have real problems. Writers also make much more than your average worker, but I digress.

He. Was. PISSED. He then proceeded to attack me on his Blog. I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of 'I'm famous, how dare you question me!' I was then attacked relentlessly by his mob of fans to whom I vehemently defended myself & my position. I even recall one fan telling me that 'One day [I was] gonna wake up & regret insulting Neil Gaiman.' I think it's safe to say that day never came. 🙄

I wish I had screenshots for you all, but, like I said, my Blog was almost immediately taken down after the incident, which I find crazy as nothing I Posted in regards to this was out of line in any way. I did have some questionable shit on my Blog due to my endless defense against trolls, but like I said before, none of it had ever gotten pulled until then, so I'm really not sure what happened. I checked his Blog, but I can no longer find the Post there.

My guess is that Neil has some very serious issues with women &, quite frankly, I'm not suprised. I feel terrible for cracking up at him being dragged through the mud when I first got online this morning. I just saw part of the Post on FB via Threads & couldn't read it all, so I wondered what he did this time. I could never have imagined that it had to do with a SA or I would never have cracked a joke. I will try to be fully informed before I Post from now on, I just really felt a sense of vindication & closure when I saw that, & now even more so. And to that asshole, I will never wake up & regret insulting Neil Gaiman; Maybe if he wasn't being an entitled piece of shit with a broken moral compass I never would have done it. It just goes to show you that we need to stop idolizing celebrities. "You don't know these people."

I hope any of his victims continue to come forward so he can get his just desserts. On a personal level, I am so, so sorry that this happened to you & I empathize with you.

-LDA

Context:

[lilpotatjj]

Imagine the reader has an acting job on a film and finds out that they are going to be working with Bella ramsey (who they have had a crush on for ages) and then meets Bella snd finds out that they basically both like each other. Then, after shooting they both go to Bella’s house and have s*x but it’s the readers first time with a girl!

A/N: writing readers first time with a girl is rly cute. I also don't have any experience in making out with a girl. I just wish I could tell my Co Worker, which funfact looks a lot like Bella,that I really like her...welp Idk🤣 sooooo...hope you like it and thank u for ur request sweety <33

Warning: Scissoring, pet names, fingering, Bella being waaay to cute, fluff, kissing. so if u don't wanna read that filthy smut feel free to ignore😇

Wordcount: 1,3k

Proofread: nope (only had 30min to write that lol)

Masterlist

♡Crazy feelings♡ (18+)

Lying in bed with someone you never thought you would ever talk to. Naked.....to each other and completely caught off guard.

Yup...

You...

You and...bella?

You and bella!

Yes. It wasn't planned to end like this. But when is anything ever planned?

You are dead tired because it is the middle of the night. A new co-worker is about to arrive, with whom you have a few scenes together. You sip your 5th coffee and spit it right back out when you see who's coming on set.

The Lady of Bear Island, but she is all grown up.

Bella Ramsey is your partner for the rest of the shooting? That's a joke....but you don't feel like laughing because she's what's called an addict. For years now you've been following her projects and trying to stay on top of them.

"Morning" she says, cuddling everyone she already knows. To those she sees for the first time she shakes hands a bit shyly.

"Haah...?" The only thing that comes out of your mouth as Bella shakes your hand. Really?

Get a grip Y/N

"Oh agh..sorry I'm Y/N, nice to finally meet you in person! I mean here on set!" You're totally flummoxed and look down in embarrassment. Bella has to laugh lightly...another one of her super cute giggles.

Shit...now you have to stay calm while working too. This will be pretty hard.

"You're cute" she says dryly without batting an eye. Wait what? Eeeeh.....ok. shit starts getting real.

Days go by and you two get along great. You try not to let anything show, but you have to look at her all the time. Bella doesn't miss that and often stares back cheekily.

"What...? Are you my hardcore fan?"

"And if so?" Yup you just said that out loud.

Fuck

Bella stares at you and actually got red cheeks this time. Now she's the speechless one.

"Maybe I would like that" her eyes are only on you now.

"Because of you, I can never think clearly on the set."

"Maybe that was my goal from the beginning..." she comes menacingly close, making your breath catch. She kisses you carefully to test if you want it as much as she does.

You can't believe what's happening here and despite a brief hesitation you go in for her kiss. Damn, she's driving you crazy and your break is about to end.

"You are so damn cute. I've felt that since the first time we met."

"Wow...I wouldn't-..I...Me? I've never thought that" you look at her in amazement and Bella finds it hard to pull herself together.

"Are you ok...?" You look at her worriedly.

"Yes...you are just too cute...I just want to go to my place and spend time with you"

"Ok....I'll handle it" you clarify with the film director that you can get a break for today, as if Bella wouldn't feel well and together you go to Bella.

"It's really nice here" you look around relaxed.

"Yes, thank you. I'm lucky that the location is not far away from set" Bella throws herself on the couch and takes a deep breath. "Do you want to join me?" She looks at you with hopeful eyes.

"Ok...I'd love to" you are a little unsure. You've never done all this with a girl before. There were the last two guys...but they were never serious. Bella seems very sweet so far.

"I don't know how long I've liked you..but you're even better in person. Really sweet and so open. I really really like you" you sit next to her.

Bella smiles her cutest smile as she looks at you happily. This time you come closer to her and try to get your heartbeat under control. You hesitate but Bella carefully closes the gap between you and her soft lips touch yours.

A kiss, as if both of you are afraid to go too far, to let it get out of hand, but there is this desire. It bubbles deep inside you. The curiosity how it is to go further with a girl.

A slight sigh bursts out of you, unintentionally. Bella sets down briefly and kisses you again only to take your face in her hands. More demanding and greedy, Bella's breathing accelerates. She also has difficulty holding back.

"W...wait..." you look at her. "I've never done this with a girl before...I have no idea how it works".

"Ah don't worry there's no manual for that" she giggles and kisses your neck softly and nibbles it here and there. You bite your lower lip and hesitate to let go.

"It's ok...I'll guide you. I'll show you how it's done. And if you want to stop then just say"

Bella means it lovingly serious. You nod and kiss again, this time more lustfully and your adrenaline means it too good for you. You are totally excited.

After all, she's not just any girl, it's Bella. She rubs her hips against your sensitive spot, which makes you moan softly.

"I'm getting undressed ok?" She stands up and undresses one by one, your blood pressure rising rapidly. Damn your breathing is so fast, you'd think you're having a panic attack.

She just kisses you again to calm you down, which also works quite well because the desire for more grows in you.

This time you're the one pushing your hips against Bella.

"let me undress you" she speaks between kisses and you let her do it.

The kiss gets wilder, the feelings completely overwhelming. When you are also undressed, Bella slowly lies down on you, rubs her pussy against yours and you can feel how wet she is already.

Wet sounds can be heard which only drives you even more crazy. Bella which soft moans let you join in and you can't hold back any longer.

"feels...so good..that's crazy..." you're already tingling, realizing far too quickly how you're approaching your climax.

"just let it come to you...it's ok" she kisses you on the neck and shoulder which is enough to make you overshoot the mark too fast. You hide your face while moaning into her shoulder.

"nah you sound so pretty darling"

Almost annoyed that you cum too quickly, you are completely out of breath.

"I'm not done with you yet" you look at her in surprise and startle when she suddenly starts kissing your folds, licking up all your juice. You claw into her hair and tilt your head back, moaning to yourself.

"someone's still electrified" your cunt is still throbbing and every touch of Bella doesn't make it any better.

"I'm going to stick a finger in" She looks up at you and scrutinizes you as she sticks her finger inside you. You moan, completely lost, but you put your hand over your mouth in shock.

"ah come on baby, I want to hear your beautiful voice" she holds still and you press against her finger to absorb even more of the incredible feeling. She moves it slowly and can't help but smile cheekily. "That's a good girl, keep moaning...all just for me"

A second finger penetrates you, which makes the tingling even stronger. She clearly feels how your pussy around your finger clenching.

"I'm so close pleeease...don't stop" you moan almost in desperation.

"Come on baby, come all for me!" her other hand wanders to your chest, caressing it and she accelerating her movements which makes you a moaning mess.

Your cunt pulsates around her fingers as you cum for the second time. when you calm down a little she pulls out her fingers and licks them off.

"thats way better...as with boys" you say out of breath, still shaky.

"sounds good" she smiles playfully cheeky and kisses you tenderly.

"Next time...I wanna make you happy"

"Sure"

"Your to cute I can't believe it"

"Stop it" she looks cheekily.

"Nope, never"

[renaultphile]

Propaganda for Andrew's moral code....

Time for a bit of Andrew love I think.

@telltaleangelina I loved your post about Ralph/Laurie’s philosophy of life compared with Andrew’s, which so resonated with me - they have a kind of heroic idealism which is very attractive, and apart from anything else it supplies most of the drama and action of the book!

But it also made me want to think more about Andrew and his motivations. So, inspired by the 'Hot Austen men' polls, here is some propaganda for Andrew. At fifteen he had to decide whether to throw in his lot with the military side of his family or the pacifist one, and it is made clear he took this decision seriously:

“I thought all around it. I thought there might conceivably even be some circumstances when I felt it was right to kill. If I knew whom I was killing and the circumstance and the nature of the responsibility. What I finally stuck at was surrendering my moral choice to men I'd never met, about whose moral standards I knew nothing whatever."

He becomes a CO not to abrogate moral responsibility but so that he can take responsibility for his actions.  Later he and Laurie have this exchange:

“One has to draw the line where one sees it oneself."

"Is that what you call the inner light?"

"If you like, yes."

So the thing that strikes me about the Charlot incident is that his principled stance is not blind faith or rigidity of thought. His main regret is that fighting with Laurie prevented him finding a solution to the problem.  He says:

“If I ... if my mind had been where it should have been, I'd have known what ought to be done, something would have come to me."

Laurie says:

"I do this kind of thing. I get steamed up about things that happen to people till I've got to do something or burst, and if it turns out to do more harm than good, hell, what's the odds, it did good to me. At school for instance. A man -- one of the boys I mean, was going to be sacked, and because I liked him I took for granted he couldn't have done it, and I was all set to have raised hell and involved a lot of other people. And all the time he'd done it after all."

Laurie admits that actually it feels good to ‘do’ something, even if the other person doesn't want it. It is easy to see that both of them have a valid point when it comes to the practicalities.  But for me, the point is that as long as they are trying to impose their will on each other, and operating from a place of ego, there is no possibility of finding another solution.  There are a hundred things they could have done to ease Charlot’s last moments if they had stopped thinking about themselves for one moment.  I think it's interesting for example that Laurie is the only person Charlot still recognises but he wants to 'outsource' comfort to someone else.

And then I realised that when Laurie is referring back to his 16 year old self getting 'steamed up' it is Ralph who points out to him that however much he might ‘want’ to ‘do’ something, it will be hurting other innocent people such as his own family (and very likely including Ralph himself).

Often, Laurie is annoyed at Ralph's inability to stand by.  The bit on the stairs at the party, for instance, and the bit where he tells Ralph "You can't eat and breathe for me, or live for me. No one can."  Pretty strong stuff to say to the man you just made passionate love to a moment ago! And let's not forget the comment about the drunk trying to mend the watch.

Sometimes I think the really sad thing is that Laurie is locked in to a different system of morality (The Phaedrus), one which means he is Andrew’s mentor and protector and Andrew is the innocent and therefore had no real moral agency. I'm not sure that means he could have or should have been with Andrew as a romantic partner, but the loss of that relationship feels real to me.

And finally....I think you have made me understand something that has always puzzled/amused me a little bit about the arguments that Laurie/Ralph have. He uses all those military analogies that seem to suggest that even while he sees that Ralph is trying to dominate him and battles with it, he is also, kind of, comfortable with it. And maybe it is that he sees himself in Ralph, he completely understands why Ralph is behaving the way he does. I always find that so touching (a little bit funny too, especially the captain shouting 'fire'!)

[innerbeast]

slow, heavy; each breath taken needing careful thought behind it. every inhale planned, the following exhale gradually forced. painful couldn't begin to describe it, the weighted pain pressing against his chest; how it strained his breathing, and had his heart rate the only steady sound to hold on to.

around him the world seemed to creek and groan, buildings and the trunks of trees groaning beneath the pull of fastened chains. the metal seeming to mimic the warrior's current struggle, tightening and suffocating the area around much like he was.

'please... someone! anyone! please!! 'i can't take this -- i can't! i don't want to die!'

they never ceased. the voices.

carried along in the passing breeze was a new cry, another sound to attempt to drown out and ignore. no matter how urgently he wished to follow it, no matter how strongly every nerve and muscle tensed, willing him to move! find them, help them!

save them...

"will you not go to them?" a voice to rise him from his stalling stance, dual-toned eyes lifted to meet a once fitting, turquoise pair. yet these were not the eyes of one whom once looked upon him so warmly, no. their gaze pierced like a fine lance, sharp enough to have the miqo'te flinching without any true, physical harm.

"revered warrior of light, the realms saviour... you never could live up to the title, could you? undeserving. you always told me as such." it carried his brothers voice, yes, but it fell distorted; thick with vile intent where there should be none. he knew this -- knew it as well as he did within his dream prior.

khol'a wasn't here, he never had been. this wasn't real. so, then, why? why did it still weigh on him as heavily as if it were?

"... i had meant it, then." dar'khol's voice finally rises, yet it's far quieter than intended. "i am undeservin', i'd never asked for all o' this. but that doesn't mean i can't very well try! that's what i've done -- what i've been doin'!" gradually, his voice grew, and he brought himself up along with it -- axe in hand, fingers held tight enough to pale the joints. khol'a -- or what used to be -- seemed to grin with that newfound, jagged maw of his, watching as dar'khol did everything in his power to come forth, blade bared.

yet, as the blade fell it held no greater intent; hesitation bleeding within every attempt, every swing taken. clash of steel against awaiting claw, a counterable onslaught from start to finish until the warrior was pushed back. a laugh echoed throughout, rumbling in tandem with the rain of fire from above as dar's back met something solid.

"a worthless effort, it would seem! look at you," it snarled, claws extended; hovering, waiting. "you're no saviour, you're no hopeful beacon. all those tied up with you will one day fall behind, you know this."

( @darkenforcer )

[crazydreamercycle]

Random musings on what I'd do if, in a world where the 2012 seasons didn't exist, I was asked to plot the MCoG sequel

No romance, at any point

I would have expended on the theme that started to be set up in S1 with the Great Heritage of the Cities of Gold being there to preserve Muan technology and energy sources, as they can both cause great destruction and greatly improve quality of life, and have the kids end up with a very powerful and dangerous artifact which could either save or kill thousands, while they debate if they should give it to someone, and if yes, to whom

Maybe some expansion on Mu's history, both good and bad - it's an Empire, after all. But also Tao deserves to know more about the history of his culture

Maybe some of that with Atlantis too?

Of course, Mendoza, Sancho and Pedro have to be in here (I mean, they don't actually have to, I can honestly see a possibility where they're not, but I like Mendoza too much not to include him) but the kids don't deliberately go fetch them in Barcelona. Rather, they had their own wacky adventures while trying to go back to Spain, possibly lost the gold somehow, and run into the kids by coincidence partway through S2 and they team up again, possibly with more of an on-and-off thing to it than in S1 so as not to undo the kids gaining more independence/coming of age thing at the end of S1

Hey, remember how Sancho and Pedro wanted to betray the kids at the end of S1 but Mendoza betrayed them and threatened to kill them if they didn't help out? What if this had consequences on the narrative and group dynamics???

Mendoza's continued character arc: he has the kids as essentially morality pets but is still kind of a terrible person on the side and mostly in it for the gold. His arc now is to be a better person to people who aren't the kids (while still being a lying little scoundrel, of course). That, or the kids deliberately use the fact that they know he won't hurt them/let them be hurt to manipulate him or deliberately thwart one of his plans, and it causes conflict. Or both. Both is good, too. There are multiple seasons. there's time

Arson is committed at least once per season

if I have to bring back one of Esteban's parents it'd be his mom. After all, we only know she's dead through Mayucca's tale, which he himself admits might not be true. Just because the part of it about his father was right doesn't mean the part about his mother dying was

I'm gonna be honest, I don't have the knowledge to pull that off and the execs wouldn't let me, but. Exploration, or even just representation, or gender and sexuality in Native cultures beyond the western binary and heteronormativity (since it's like, a fact that colonization fucked that up and that the western concept was most definitely not universal)

Zia gets to still be angry, tho I'm not entirely sure what her arc would be (and probably am not the best person to decide that. Presumably I'd have a team and I could find someone who is more qualified than I am in the matter tho. Same for n°10, tho I really don't think I'd be allowed to to it)

You know these weird rooms in S1? The ones with like, glowing red tiles on the walls? At least one of these per season. They never get explained

Of course, that is not to say that this would be the only way to make a good sequel, or even the only sequel to S1 I'd enjoy (or even that I'd do a good job if I actually had to direct a sequel, I probably wouldn't). As I said, it's just a random reflection I thought I'd share on where I'd personally take things, and I'd actually be curious to know where others would have gone, disregarding S2+.

[melonyfelonyfellonme]

Cerys thoughts (under a cut bc it's kinda long lmao)

This is just a big stream of consciousness really lol (can u tell I kinda really enjoy character planning lmao, I have so many notes on Cerys alone, it's a bit sad hahaha)

Yes she had a lottt of friends growing up, both in her clan and also in the city itself. It's where she began to feel that tug of doubt over who she really is, what she really believes, etc

She'd seen city elves being treated horribly, been at the receiving end of racist treatment more than once, and honestly, I think if she didn't join the Crows, she'd have likely been a Shadow Dragon (had she also been closer to Tevinter, I guess). Her clan had taken in many elves who needed the support. Some stayed, others left for pastures new (including following Fen'harel, as mentioned at the end of Trespasser). Some tried to get her to follow, but she really wasn't certain that was a good idea (plus, given her own identity crises, adding "possible agent of ancient Elven god she'd been warned about" to that would have.. not gone well lmao)

She talks a lot when she's nervous, and for someone who already has a reputation in her family for being a bit gregarious, let's just say it's an almost endless stream of consciousness

Honestly her clan aren't too happy at the idea of her dating/marrying a Crow, never mind being one.. but the income's decent

The marriage was spur of the moment, and neither of them planned it well. Does it hold up legally? Probably not, but it was an impulsive decision on both of their parts (bc they were young and foolish)

After her husband's death, she confides in his best friend, who tells her that should she find someone again, they should be someone normal: someone she can come home to, who is stable (in that, they won't be randomly sent to idk Tevinter and not come back), etc. Yeah, that worked out well(!!)

She does love an argument though; all through her life she just enjoys a battle of smarts against people (again, likely due to that uncertainty of whom she is, so if she challenges someone on their beliefs or viewpoints, she can become more certain in hers; if she challenges authority, she can become more certain that she's doing the right thing if they appear certain of themselves. It wins her no favours with her Keeper nor her Talon)

I'd say around the time Veilguard begins, she's a bit less trusting of people than she used to be. She's polite enough but it takes a while for her to be fully trusting. That doesn't mean she isn't going to talk their ears off though

She used to be a lot more bubbly and energetic, but as she's gotten older/experienced more grief and uncertainty, she became a bit more reserved and sarcastic. A bit moody.

As much as she likes to argue with authority, she does actually feel incredibly anxious about if she's even competent at what she does. Fine as an apprentice, but your first two missions go incredibly wrong? Okay sure, made it up a little with the next mission but it's hard not to feel like you've let your house down a bit

(More to be added probably)

[a-student-out-of-time]

Honestly I don't know if anyone is in the same camp as me but I'm like: I hope David has a turnaround over the course of the story, but FUCK NO I don't want it to be due to fridging!! I want it to be something he pulls through using his own weight, not sacrificing really interesting characters for the HOPE of David seeming more interesting than them! I know I'm super easy to please but like... I want DAVID to want to change, not change through obligation to someone who should've lived.

//I feel like this is a good time to elaborate on the overall negative attitude I have toward David. A lot of seem to think I just hate him as character because Arei died, and that's not at all what the problem is. I do find him obnoxious, irritating and not the least bit funny, but there's more to why I believe he's a better choice as the Blackened.

//I'm not gonna be a stick in the mud and say that people who want David to last or even be redeemed are wrong. He's a character in a story, stories are meant to be interesting, and I understand why someone might want to see more with him.

//The problem for me is that I've had friends who've had to endure what real people like David do- manipulation, lying, isolating them from friends, tearing them down, making them feel worthless. When you see the pain that people like him cause, especially to someone you're really close to and who's still hurt by it years later? It's a lot harder to actually want to see good in him.

//Furthermore, I had a character whom I was very invested in and whose story I thought was a lot more compelling to me. Arei was just more interesting to me, since while she was a bully, she genuinely wanted to change and be a good person. She hated being the way she was, but became a bully because she believed it was the only way she could survive.

//With her, it was never a matter of "I had a shitty childhood, so I'm justified in being cruel to others," it was "I have to crush people before they crush me because I don't know any other way to be." That took her from a character who I was annoyed by to one I wanted to see more from.

//I've written extensively on it, but Danganronpa has a real problem with "Mean Girl"-type characters, where they're villainized a lot more than male characters, and when they die, they may as well never have been part of the story at all. I wrote that before DT Chapter 2 was out and I was really hopeful that Arei would be the exception, and she managed to be and not be that at the same time.

//It's just very disappointing and disheartening to me to see a character with so much potential not only die, but basically become a background character in her own story. I wanted to believe that maybe there was more, but the longer this has gone on, the more I feel like an idiot for getting invested in her story. I didn't want it to be a tragic what-could've-been, I wanted to see her actually rewarded for her decision to be a better person. That was something I'd never seen a DR game do: actually redeem the mean girl.

//And here's the hard thing that I need more people to understand: people only change when they want to change. You can't fix them, you can't redeem them, they have to be willing to redeem themselves. You can only try to help them down that path they need to walk themselves.

//David has made it pretty clear he doesn't want to change. He wants everyone to die, including himself, for some self-righteous, holier-than-thou ambition that he believes will make him a good person. He's cruel, unrepentant, spiteful, childish, and just unpleasant to deal with. And no matter how bad he may feel about it, the fact is that he's willing to endanger people for his own ambitions proves to me he doesn't actually care.

//I won't deny that there's complexity with him, but there's nothing that David really offers to the story that's unique to him or that Nagito or Kokichi haven't already done better. And if he does stick around, I genuinely do worry that Arei only died so she would be a motivating factor for him, which is terrible writing.

//In contrast, I think David being the culprit would serve a much more important lesson to Teruko: he is what she could turn out to be if she refuses to change and never trusts anyone. There's no better way to showcase that than his refusal to change, becoming the very sort of person his idol would've hated, all culminating in his own execution due to factors outside his control.

//To me, that adds much more character growth potential for Teruko and the others than anything involving him still being alive, since he'd probably just be a dick to people. And if he dies Chapter 3 as I've heard some suggest, that would just feel kinda pointless to me.

//This wasn't really mean to be a vent, just a way of getting my thoughts out there. I'm not gonna begrudge people who like David or want to see more with him, but I do think you're overestimating how much story potential he has. And I still believe a character who refuses to change and hurts others without any remorse does not deserve a redemption arc just because he has fans.

//And if he does end up sticking around, for the love of god, do not let that come at the cost of everything you could've done with Arei, the character who actually wanted to change.

[magdaleneknows]

Friendships

I don't have friends and never have I had a friend I genuinely truthfully liked. They always have a flaw, something that I try to ignore but it just eats at me until I no longer wish to speak to them. So my question is; am I far to judgmental?

I like to think I'm just in my judgments, as we all do I'm sure. People are allowed to have flaws. To make sure I come across clear as possible, I'd like to share my definition of flaws. When I say somebody has as flaw what I'm saying is that they have done/said I have a moral issue with.

Most issues that I've had wit h past 'friends' is that they have been unkind to others. A big issue of mine is being mean to others for the sake of a joke. I cannot find making fun of somebody for doing something that hurts nobody amusing.* This is unfortunately a common favorite hobby of others. I understand the societal pressure that comes with bullying and the whole hurt people hurt people . It is not my job to mother people into Boeing good.

How can I complain about people to know things if I am unwilling to teach? Is that not hypocritical?

I do not tolerate bigotry of any kind. I am unable to get over even the tiniest of a microaggression. I understand that a lot of people are unaware know when they say something unkind, but I mean for the love all things god an holy cant you for a moment think about what you are saying and what it means.

For context I am 17 (06) and the people I interact with are teenagers, so emotionally immature and fragile. So I understand that I am likely not going to find anyone perfect. But if I can manage to care as much as I do? I do not believe myself to be some morally pure being, I have made mistakes and I am sure to make so more in the future. My issue is that it feels* like nobody is even trying to be a good person. It's like they are totally apathetic. I hate apathy its a disease.

To be completely honest I don't care much for the company of others. I like being alone. I don't even like someone else being in the same room as me, even if they are completely silent. I am not one to miss others even if I do care a great amount for them. For example my sister, whom is very very dear to me, was at the hospital for a week recently. I didn't miss her one bit, even though I wasn't allowed to visit her and our phone calls where ten minutes tops. Although I wasn't told when she'd be home, I hardly thought of her. Why would I miss her, she wasn't going to die.

I have many little things like that that seriously prevent me from connecting with others. I do not have ASPD and I am not devoid of empathy, its the opposite truly. I am very susceptible to the emotions of others. I care very mush for other people and as a consequence I have a hard time feeling my own emotions when others are around. If somebody else is upset it makes me upset, like any other human being. The difference for me is that I am completely incapable of not being swayed by another's emotions and its herd to not act if I am going through the same thing the other person is.

*1) I have a bit of black and white thinking, this is an example of it. I find teasing wrong and its hard for me to consider the context of the teasing, if that context makes the teasing morally acceptable.

*2) I know that just because I feel like something is true that does not mean it is.

(this is rather incomplete I'll likely update, I typically do all my writing in a journal. I understand the intensity of these questions but any kind of answer would be helpful)

[xatsperesso]

Do you think that Nishi could kill a important character?

I mean Sully will probably die at a point, the question is more "when will we die" that "will he die?" Everyone (or almost everyone) can guess that it will happen soon or later, even if we want it to be later than soon.

But i think to a more important character. Like Ameri for exemple.

Can you imagine the effects ot if?

Oh im sorry people think sully is gonna die???? How?? Since when??? Why am i only hearing about this now??!

Like sure i know someone is bound to die or get irreversibly damaged -this is a story where the main antagonists are terrorists, they're not pulling punches- but i never saw sully as someone who'd just die. I thought someone who had more screen-time, someone we-and iruma- had more time to get attached to will die like kalego or opera

Or maybe im only thinking that cause I'm more emotional attached to some characters than others, and if watching jojo taught me anything, those i get attached to will die, so im preparing myself. Just in case (not like preparing myself will stop me from ugly-crying all night)

But anyway, how would ameri's death affect iruma? I dont think it'd affect him too much. I AM looking at this from a reader point of view AND NOT from their point of view, and i understand that this would be a very traumatising experience for iruma, and it'd need him a very long time to recover, especially if she died in a terrorist attack, and he'd have to deal with a lot of unfounded guilt.

But i just think that ameri's death wouldn't break him. Ameri, at the end of the day, is a friend that he doesn't meet up with all that much, or not as much as other people. He doesn’t see her alot, or not as much as he sees other people. So yes, it would be a very horrifying experience, someone whom you see as a close friend dying-probably in front of his eyes- but hed still have his support system to help him through it. He'd come out of it mourning her death but still standing.

But what would happen if we took a very essential part of iruma's support system. What if azz died? Now that would shatter him.

His first friend ever, the one who vowed to be with him till the end of time, the one that nishi time and time again emphasised their relationship and how close they are to the point of being soulmates.

Azz's death would absolutely destroy him, and the difference betwee azz's and ameri's death is that in ameri's death, his friends wont really be grieving her death because to them she's an upperclassman, not a friend, so they wont feel as much as iruma's feeling which woul surely feel frustrating because no one understands.

But azz's death will affect everyone in the misfits, which could go one of two way. 1. Everyone feels grieve over their friend who suddenly died, or 2. Everyone is shoving their feelings down because surely iruma and clara are feeling worse, right? They've been so close, and as their friends they need to help them, right?

And both are worse than each other cause on one hand everyone is having the worst time of their lives and there's no way iruma will do anything or will reach out to them for help, but on the other hand everyone would give him and clara a special treatment which is just the worst.

And can you imagine if all the misfits are in a battlefield and they suddenly see one of them die right in front of their eyes? We saw a lil sneak-peak of what iruma's reaction may have been when he saw azz almost die, but what would his reaction be if he saw the light leave his eyes?

Azz's death would break a lot of people, while ameri's wont affect as many people, and I'd honestly be very frustrated if ameri is the one who dies, cause then why keep dropping hints of iruma amd ameri dating?! Her death just wouldn't make sense!

And clara isnt allowed to die. That just wont happen. She's more likely to find a solution and bring someone from their death than die herself. She's just not going to die.

[wolgraugorimilir]

A letter to Deborah

Deborah is a Christian theologian, and a friend of the family. She took an unexpected interest in my writing, and we've been going back and forth about God. I'm going to share my letters, because I put a lot of thought into writing them. (and I love to muse about God and Mesopotamia)

Deborah,

Thank you for deciding to say something when you were unsure. I consider that a great compliment, as I strive for openness with all my relationships.

I apologize for my ignorant comments about Jesus. Truth be told, I never expected that any Christians would want to read my writing. (I certainly never expected to open a dialogue with a theologian). I'll go back in and soften my language, because I don't want to alienate anyone who would otherwise respond.

"I further dare to say that you don't know Him at all, because then you wouldn't hate him. Not possible... I wonder if, when your little brother died (and believe me I would not for worlds discount by an atom the terrible tragic significance of that in your life) some well-meaning person told your aching, bewildered, grieving self that "Jesus wanted him for Himself" or some other pernicious nonsense? Have you always blamed God for that loss?"

I agree that I don't know Jesus. I never tried to understand Him. I can't remember much about my childhood, but I remember thinking of Jesus as something certainly real, but confusing and vaguely malevolent. I can't remember how people talked about Henry's death. I remember that it quickly became something taboo. We didn't say his name. 

I think the bitterness came later. Jesus transformed into something Hideous to me slowly, as my social consciousness developed, and as the resultant horror caused by christian nationalism and white supremacy became tied to His name. 

I've never been able to separate the two things: The Jesus that Was, and the Jesus that became the rallying cry for genocide. This is partly because I feel that there's not a meaningful difference between intention and effect. (I've only ever been hurt by people who Meant Well).

"Anyway, dear Toni, this is not a rebuke from an offended believer, but real concern for your deep wound, and deep hope that you can find someone with whom to unpack this "bitterness" and "hate," which will infect your own spirit if you let them."

Thank you Deborah. Your genuineness reads. I unlearn my hatred a little bit with each conversation like this one, and by writing this bitter little story. 

Mesopotamians were bitter people too. If you'll humor me, I'd like to share one of my favorite poems, The Story of Adapa:

Adapa is a sorcerer. He attains power to rival the gods through his wit and will, but he is a servant of Ea, the god of Waters, and Wisdom. Ea summons Adapa to heaven to answer for a magic spell which went too far. Through a series of psychedelic trials, Adapa is tricked. He could have reached out and taken that which would have made him a god, but he chooses not too. He despairs when he realizes his mistake too late. He is bound in service to Ea forever. The gods laugh. 

If there are gods in this world, I think this is how they would act. 

It feels cathartic to tell that story. I can picture the farmers who told it. Their teeth are rotting. There are parasites in their blood. They toil for cruel masters.

Sheesh. Welp. Keep it pushing. We don't have it THAT bad.

"Pray to Osiris if that helps...God is remarkably tolerant."

Maybe I will! I haven't tried to pray in a long time.

Thank you again for your wise words. I will always cherish our correspondences, and muse on them when life is kind enough to allow me to write. I would welcome your prayers! Send baby Henry my finest regards, if you can get in touch!

Blessings from a dirty apartment in Minneapolis,

-Toni (I also go by Maeve)

[necromancy-savant]

Multiples of 3 for book asks!

3. what is your preferred genre?

My preferred genre is the stuff you find in the nonfiction section that's all myths and poems

6. do you track the books you read? if so, how?

Nope; never occurred to me

9. do you have a favorite author?

John Milton \m/

12. which book will you read next?

Probably The Two Towers bc I read Fellowship, loved it, and then got distracted by like 5 other books. I need to finish reading Lord of the Rings and The Silmarillion

15. have you been/are you in a book club?

I was in a Shakespeare club in grad school! I brought in the production of David Tennant's R2 for us to watch that @skeleton-richard introduced me to

18. do you have any rules if you loan someone a book?

I mean don't write on it or like intentionally be rough on it?

21. do you prefer to read or listen?

Read. I watch everything with subtitles if I can

24. what book to movie adaptation to you dislike?

I mean one time I saw some Iliad adaptation that didn't even have the gods and was boring af but I don't remember what it was. And one time I saw about 10 minutes of some CGI Beowulf bc it was so ugly I had to turn it off

27. is there a book that scared you?

Yes. Well, recently I was having a bit of trouble sleeping thinking about the demons in Camp Damascus, but also I used to stay up late in high school reading my giant Edgar Allan Poe book and then I could never sleep. I don't even remember which ones were the scariest. There was one about a coffin on a boat that fucked me up and wasn't even that scary.

30. is there a book that changed your life?

Phantom of the Opera, then Paradise Lost, then Richard III, and I think now The Locked Tomb

33. what was your favorite childhood book?

Redwall

36. what’s the most you’ve reread a book?

I literally have no fucking clue. I've memorized all of Richard III's lines in that play. I lost count of the number of times I've read Paradise Lost about 10 years ago. I can predict the next words in my translation of Phantom and read it in its original language just because I know what it's going to say, I know all the words to Earnest and Julius Caesar, I have no clue how many thousands of times I've read Enuma Elish or Ishtar's Descent to the Underworld or anything else I've every tried or had to translate. Basically I read the same few books and stories over and over and over and over and

39. favorite quote from your favorite book?

Be then his Love accurst, since love or hate, To me alike, it deals eternal woe. Nay curs'd be thou; since against his thy will Chose freely what it now so justly rues. Me miserable! which way shall I flie Infinite wrauth, and infinite despaire? Which way I flie is Hell my self am Hell; And in the lowest deep a lower deep Still threatning to devour me opens wide, To which the Hell I suffer seems a Heav'n.

42. do you buy new or secondhand books?

I have so many books I got for free from the grad school English department that they were literally just giving away. I got a whole Faerie Queene that way. I got a complete Chaucer's works that way. One time I went in and some students were going through stuff and I was like "yo is that a fascimile of Poetaster??!!" and my classmate said, "here, it's yours: it should go to someone who will love it" and I was in Heaven

45. thoughts on separating the author from the work?

So...this gets into so much internet discourse and so much discourse within critical theory over the last like 40 years. Basically, yes, historical context matters and knowing who an author was as a person can give some insight into a text, but I'm also not going to give a currently living author money whom I don't want to support. You should read problematic stuff from hundreds of years ago to learn your history; hell, I'd venture to say that if you can do so without giving them money, you should read problematic shit written recently and today to know what it looks like and learn to draw your own conclusions

48. what book would you give someone if they wanted a glimpse into your psyche?

Richard III

[boysplanetrecaps]

Build Up, Episode 5: First Eliminations

Welcome back to the recap series that’s never early: BPR Recaps MNET’s Build Up! In the previous one, we covered the four performances that MNET chose not to cover. In this one, we’ll cover the elimination that took place in the middle of episode 5 and give some love to the ten eliminated contestants. Let's do it!

Here we see all our candidates for elimination. 

Top row: Donghyun, Sunyoul; Neon, Seunghwan from CIX; Bitsaeon from M.O.N.T., Jay; Seokhwa from WEi, Woong from AB6IX; Kim Sungjung the musical actor and Lee Gwangseok the freelance model.

Bottom row: Hong Sungjeong, Kim Seohyung; Taehwan from Vanner and Hong Sungwon; Trainee Park Joohee and Kwon Euibin; KNK’s Jeong Inseong and FAVE1’s Hyukjin; and Hwanhee from Up10tion and soldier Jo Hwanji.

The other 20 are safe. 

Of those twenty, if I could keep 10, I’d keep:

Jay

Bitsaeon from M.O.N.T.

Woong from AB6IX

Taehwan from Vanner

Neon

Hong Sungwon

Kwon Euibin

Jeong Inseong from KNK

Lee Hwanhee from Up10tion

Kim Seohyung

I don’t like having to choose though, and my heart would want to keep all of them. But those are the ten I’d pick if push came to shove. I’d especially feel sad about losing Donghun, Sunyoul, Seokhwa, and Hyukjin, because I’m worried about Donghun’s mental health, because Sunyoul and Seokhwa are super lovable dudes, and because Hyukjin’s path as an idol is extremely heartbreaking. But I just chose based on whose singing I want to hear again the most. 

So, this whole time, I’ve been wondering, how will the surviving 10 be chosen from those 20? I assumed that the fan voting would matter in some way, but nope, apparently, it’s the judges. Yeesh. Why is voting happening again, then? 

VCG, who is apparently the head judge, says that they’ve taken the situation seriously and discussed it carefully amongst themselves before they made a decision. Well, I should hope so.

The first survivor is someone who the judges say has an unfairly good voice, a different vibe, and a nice physique. That’s obviously Jay.

Everyone is just like, well, yeah, obviously. It would be pretty unfair if Jay was sent home after that performance, especially when his team outscored every other team except for the team they went up against.

Jay interviews, “I showed that I can sing pop music well, but next time I want to show them proper Korean style singing.” I mean, if you must.

Correctly, the judges also save Neon and Bitsaeon, both of whom did really well. And I’m not that mad that they also save Seunghun from CIX, especially since the fan vote for him is strong. But I'd have saved someone else when there are limited spots.

Bitsaeon interviews, “It wasn’t just Jay – I thought I also showed something in that performance.” You did, Bit, don't worry. Jay interviews that Bitsaeon also being chosen to survive lifted a weight off his shoulders. 

The next person they’re going to save is someone who made a mistake, but Solar says that the judges wanted to hear his voice again anyway. They tease us that it might be Seokhwa...

... but of course it isn't. Who else could it be but wild horse Lee Gwangseok? I just knew the judges would save him. They also save Park Joohee, despite his crying moment. 

Musical actor and Best Sweater winner Hong Sungwon interviews that as the names are being called (and his isn’t,) he feels like he’s being shot. “One person, bang. Second person, bang.”

The next two people the judges are saving are (1) someone with a unique voice and (2) someone else with a pretty low-pitched voice: Sunyoul and Kim Seohyung. I can’t be mad at them saving Sunyoul, as he also has a great voice and I find him particularly lovable. And I had Seohyung on my list too, so again, decent choice. 

Neither of them can believe it.

Sunyoul interviews that it’s hard to be happy since Donghun’s name hasn’t been called. (No loyalty to Hwanhee? I don't notice the two of them interacting much.)  But then the ninth name is called, and it’s Donghun! Again, I’m not mad at it – Donghun also has a great voice.

As for the tenth survivor, they say it’s someone who hasn’t shown his talent yet, so they’ve decided to give him another chance. We see the judges discussing it, and Solar says, “Regardless of the skill level, there are people who attract the audience.” Oh, so we’re picking an idol, I guess? VCG wonders what would happen if this person teamed up with a different guy? (Throughout, the translation says “friend” because they’re saying “chingoo”, but a better translation would be “guy” instead of "friend".)

And I mean, it’s obviously Woong. For one thing, the previews have shown him in the next portion of the show, and for another, the description fits really well – a popular idol who has more talent than what he’s shown and should be teamed up with different people. And sure enough, they call Woong. 

I'm glad, because I actually really like Woong's singing voice a lot and agree with the judges that he hasn't really shown it yet. He bows to everyone and vows to do his best.

So, here are the ten survivors.

So, the ten eliminated guys are still great vocalists and took the time to be on your show and do their best, so obviously the least MNET could do is give them a chance to give a brief goodbye speech.

Oh, wait, sorry, I'm getting word that... no. No, MNET is not doing that. No, instead they've decided to... what's that? oh yes, I understand now. They're just going to NEVER SHOW THE OTHER TEN GUYS EVER AGAIN.

So we lost Seokhwa, our leaping lizard Kim Seongjeong, Hong Seongjun from BDC, smiley Taehwan from Vanner, Hong Sungwon of the ombre blue sweater, Kwon Euibin, Jeong Inseong from KNK, Hyukjin from Fave1, Lee Hwanhee from Up10tion, and Jo Hwanji the soldier.

Ok, let’s talk some math for a bit. A few “ifs” to explore…

If...

they had just chosen the top fifteen teams based on scores, rather than having this rivalry thing, then the ten eliminated candidates would have been (and I’ll put the ones who didn’t really get eliminated in bold):

Lim Junhyeok and Yeo One

Taehwan from Vanner and Sungwon of the blue sweater

Hyukjin and Inseong

Hwanhee and Hwanji

Seokhwa and Woong 

This would have meant keeping the following guys who we didn’t actually get to keep:

Kim Seongjung, the leaping lizard

Hong Seongjun from BDC

Kwon Euibin

I would have been sad to lose Woong, but it would have been worth it to keep Kwon Euibin, and I think both Kim Seongjung and Hong Seongjun are stronger singers than either Lim Junhyeok or Yeo One. 

If...

they had decided the rounds based on average score, throwing out one high score and one low score, then Taehwan and Sungwon would have won their round. (All other results would have been the same.) 

If....

Team Hwan-hee-ji had challenged Seokhwa and Woong, and the maknae had gone up against Sanghyun and Taewoo, then team Hwanheeji would have won and the maknae would have lost. 

Ok, that's enough "ifs" for now.

It’s a bummer that any of them have to go home. It’s especially galling that Inseong, Hyukjin, Hwanhee, and Jo Hwanji not only get sent home like this, but also didn’t get to have their performance really shown. I hope that the experience of being on the show was ok for all of them, and that every one of them finds a nice soft place to land. And let’s all try to support them in whatever they do next, ok?

I’m really going to miss Taehwan’s smile, but luckily I can watch Vanner MVs any time I want. Here is Vanner performing Adore U (my favorite song by Seventeen) live in Busan. Their mics are ON. 

If you’d like to give Hyukjin a stream, his group’s latest single has only 4,733 views at time of writing. The video was shot on (I assume) an Iphone 5, at a warehouse near a train station (I assume). Let’s all give him a stream or two, ok? If everyone who reads my recaps watches their video, we could get that total up to maybe 4,740 or something. That’d be awesome! And here's Hyukjin's Instagram.

If you want to check out KNK to support Inseong, here's the song of theirs I remember hearing a few times in the past -- Sunset. It's full on house music, if you like that kind of thing. I do.

If you want to check out BDC to support Hong Seongjun -- I mean, the group is basically disbanded (I think they might still perform in Japan?) but he might get residuals -- my favorite song of theirs is Moon Rider.

If you want to check out WEi to support Seokhwa, my favorite song of theirs is Spray.

If you want to check out Up10tion, I will again say that I really like their song Spin Off. And here is Hwanhee's instagram -- at least, I think it's his. It has a blue check.

Here's a performance of Kwon Euibin on a previous show. He talks 10x more on this show than he does on Build Up. Turns out he used to be a baseball player, but he kept getting injured and got interested in music while he was rehabbing.  Then he sings Tomboy by Hyukoh, the same song that was done in the Pre-4 mission round of Build Up. He sounds great! And here's his Instagram, teasing an upcoming single.

Here's a performance of Jo Hwanji singing a year ago or so. He's wearing a military outfit here too, and singing to a group of soldiers. His MyDrama List page has this photo of him with longer hair, which blows my mind for some reason.

I found what I think is his Spotify page if you want to check it out.

Kim Sungjung and Hong Sungwon are both musical actors, meaning that they perform in live theater in Korea, and I couldn't find any social media or anything for them. If you find some, let me know!

So, that's it for now. In the next one, I'm going to award some BRAPPIES! Something to look forward to. See you soon!