#and I think about the things I had planned… and some part of me still feels that thrill of excitement

[alsofoundinpeas]

Beyond the Window

Summary: With her package plan a success, the only thing standing between Y/N and Spencer now was his job. But as soon as he returned home, nothing would hold them back from finally acting on their feelings—this time, with no windows in the way.

CONTENT WARNINGS: 18+ MDNI!! This fic is intended for adult audiences. Some might consider this dubcon (talk of Spencer watching reader through her window but reader had wanted him to) so please be aware of that! Fingering (f!receiving), oral (both m and f receiving), unprotected P in V sex (birth control mentioned), overstimulation/multiple orgasms (both m and f receiving), dry humping (if you squint), creampie (fuck I hate typing that), minor corruption kink, heavy praise, Virgin!Spencer, Sub!Spencer (he is pathetic and LOUD in this FYI), Soft Dom!reader, Perv!Spencer and Perv!Reader (they're back at it again LMFAO). Both fluffy and smutty. They match each other’s freak your honor!!

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader/afab!reader

A/N: Anddd done! This was, to date, the filthiest thing I've written so I'm nervous but I also loved writing it LMAO. I hope you guys enjoy part two as much as I enjoyed writing it :') I'll be putting out more sub!Spence in the future, but for now I hope you guys like this!! As always, please let me know what you guys think and if you do enjoy it then please like, reblog, and share it with your friends. <3 Thank you and I love you all!! :)

Spencer was certain the universe was playing a cruel, twisted prank on him.

It was the only explanation for being called into work early on a Sunday morning when he was supposed to be off. The night before, he’d gone to bed without replying to Y/N, hoping to come up with the perfect witty, flirty response the next day—when his brain wasn't a pile of mush. As he hurried to pack a go-bag and get dressed, Spencer cursed under his breath for waiting. Now, he’d have to send a hasty, jumbled apology and hope that Y/N would still want him to come over when he got back.

While Spencer drove—a task he loathed but had no choice in, given the lack of time for the metro—Penelope briefed him on the case details. The team was being sent to Wyoming to assist with a rapidly escalating unsub, which explained the need to get there quickly. Spencer couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt as Penelope spoke. Even with the case's urgency, his mind kept returning to Y/N.

“Reid?” Penelope sighed, then tried again. “Hello? Earth to Reid?!”

Spencer snapped back to reality, his face flushing as he cleared his throat. “Sorry, I got distracted. What was the last part again?”

Penelope's laughter echoed through the phone. “What’s keeping your mind so busy? Besides all your usual genius stuff, that is."

Spencer groaned, knowing that the blonde wouldn’t stop pressing until she got an answer. With a heavy sigh, he reluctantly began to explain.

"There’s this girl who lives across from me, and I’ve had a crush on her for a while… We’d run into each other a few times at the library and the coffee shop near my place, but recently, a package of hers ended up at my door. I took it to her yesterday morning, and we ended up hanging out—" He paused, swallowing hard as his mind drifted to what had happened that night, but he quickly pushed the thought aside. "Anyway, she texted me to come over again, but then I got called in for the case. So, yeah, she’s just been on my mind."

Spencer winced as a loud squeal erupted from the phone, quickly followed by the sound of enthusiastic clapping.

“Spencer! That’s adorable! What’s her name?”

“Nope. Not a chance. I know you’ll look her up and start stalking her!” Spencer protested as he pulled into the parking garage. “Look, I just got here, so I’ll see you when we get back. Please keep this between us for now, alright? I don’t need everyone hounding me about it while we have a case to focus on.”

Penelope groaned dramatically but gave in, sighing in playful annoyance. “Ugh, fine, lover boy. You just ruined all my fun,” she grumbled. “Be safe, my sweet angel, and tell Derek to call me when you guys land!”

Spencer finished the call and hung up, swiftly typing out a message to send to Y/N before he had to go in. His thumbs clumsily pressed the buttons as he hurried, letting out an annoyed sigh as he fumbled with his flip-phone. He’d never been a fan of modern technology, but if getting a new phone meant it would be easier to talk to her, he’d consider it.

Good morning! I hope you slept well. Apologies for the late response. I’d love to come over, but unfortunately, I’ve been called in for a case. Would you still like me to come by once I get back?

Spencer gave a nod to himself, hit send, then gathered his things and stepped out of the car.

Y/N paused when she heard her phone ding, toothbrush still in her mouth. She quickly finished brushing, swishing mouthwash as she walked to her room to grab her phone. Returning to the bathroom, she spat out the mouthwash before finally glancing at the waiting text.

A small giggle fell from her lips as she read Spencer’s message, leaning back against the sink as she responded.

Of course, Spencer. Only if you want to :) xoxo

He texted like an old man (which wasn't surprising, considering his wardrobe). She thought it was charming. She placed her phone on the bathroom counter and stepped toward the shower to start the water, a smile still playing on her lips from his message.

A content sigh fell from her lips once she stepped into the hot stream of water, letting the water relax her tight muscles.

As her soapy hands began to wander her body, her mind wandered back to Spencer and just how deliciously pathetic he’d looked stroking himself to the sight of her. Honestly, Y/N had worried she’d scared the poor guy with her message after he’d watched her the night before, so seeing his text was a relief. Now, she just had to wait for him to return from his case—and then he’d finally be all hers.

The week crawled by, each day stretching on painfully, leaving both of them restless and longing for each other's company.

Each night when Y/N came home, she’d glance out of her curtains, hoping to see that Spencer had returned, only to let out a quiet sigh when she found he hadn’t. She couldn’t remember ever being this excited to see someone before. Something about Spencer had her completely hooked—not just his looks, but the man behind them. After spending time with him, she was eager to uncover more about the sweet, brilliant person who lived across from her.

Another four days went by before the text she’d been waiting for finally came through.

Hey pretty girl, we just landed so I’ll be home in about an hour. Are you up for some company?

Y/N arched a brow as she read the message, re-reading it a few times to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating. That didn’t sound like Spencer at all… but she was too eager for him to come over to worry about it now. She’d figure out who actually sent it when he arrived.

With a small grin, Y/N typed her reply, then set her phone down to get ready and tidy up her apartment.

“Morgan! Come on! Are you serious?” Spencer griped, swatting at the man in an attempt to grab his phone back. “What did you say to her?”

Penelope had (accidentally) let it slip to Morgan that Spencer was, in her words, "dating but not dating this super cute girl who lives across from him." Naturally, she’d ignored his requests for privacy, tracked down the tenant list for Y/N’s building, and found her online after figuring out she was the one. So, when Morgan glanced over Spencer's shoulder and saw the carefully composed message he’d written, he snatched the phone and sent something entirely different.

“Relax, kid! I’m just helping you out. You’re going to scare her off if you keep talking to her like a geezer,” Morgan chuckled, tossing him back his phone before standing from his seat and stretching. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

Spencer sighed, shaking his head in frustration before unlocking his phone to check the message. He cringed at what Morgan had sent, but then his heart skipped a beat as he read Y/N’s reply.

Come over whenever you’re ready, pretty boy. I can’t wait to see you. :)

Spencer’s face flushed as he brushed off the curious looks from the team, eager to get off the jet and head home to drop his stuff off—then straight to Y/N’s. A mix of nervousness and excitement churned inside him, his hands trembling as he started the drive home. It felt surreal to him, knowing not only that she was excited to see him, but that she wanted him just as much as he wanted her.

A firm knock at the door pulled Y/N’s attention from the couch, a bright smile spreading across her face as she jumped up to answer it. "Coming!" she called, quickly unlocking the door. When she opened it, Spencer stood there, looking a bit nervous and holding a bag of takeout from her favorite diner.

"Oh, Spencer," she murmured, her gaze softening as she noticed the bag. "You’re so sweet! You didn’t have to get dinner—I was planning to order something when you got here." She stepped aside to let him in, closing the door behind him and taking the bag from his hand so he could slip off his coat.

Spencer waved it off with a sheepish grin as he followed her into the kitchen. "I wanted to," he said. "I noticed you ordered from them a lot and thought it would be a nice surprise." His eyes widened in panic. "Not that I’ve been, like, stalking you or anything! And, um, I'm sorry if I didn’t pick the right thing. I can run back and grab something else—"

“Spencer.”

Y/N sat down the plates she'd gotten out for them and silenced his nervous rambling by gently cupping his cheeks. Spencer froze mid-sentence, his mouth slightly open as he looked down at her. She smiled up at him, softly stroking her thumb along his cheekbone.

“You did perfect, sweetheart,” she reassured him, her gaze flicking to his lips for a moment before meeting his eyes again. “It was so thoughtful of you to pick up dinner. I'm sure I'll enjoy whatever you ordered. Thank you.”

Spencer swallowed, his heart pounding at the feel of her hands on his face. He drew in a deep breath, steadying himself before he whispered, “Of course.”

Y/N smiled, brushing her hand over his cheek one last time before turning back to plate the food, which looked and smelled delicious. Once she finished, she headed to the fridge, glancing back at Spencer. "Wine, water, or soda?"

"Water, please. Thank you."

Nodding, Y/N poured herself a glass of wine and then filled one with water for him. They walked into the living room, both of them buzzing with anticipation for what was to come later. They sat side by side, enjoying the warmth that came from being pressed together as they began to eat.

"So," Y/N started, laughing softly before continuing. "Who texted me from your phone earlier today? Unless the grandfather ghost inhabiting your body decided to take a rain check."

Spencer groaned in embarrassment, chuckling awkwardly as he glanced at her. "Sorry about that… that was my co-worker, Derek. And best friend too. He accused me of 'talking to you like a geezer' and decided to try and do better himself."

Y/N laughed even harder, putting her fork down to take a sip of her wine before replying. "I knew it wasn’t you!" she said with a triumphant grin, then paused, a new realization dawning on her. "You talk about me to your team?"

Spencer hesitated, finishing his bite slowly before taking a drink and nodding. "Sort of… I told Penelope about you, and then she mentioned it to Derek. I’m sorry—i-is that okay?" His fingers pushed his glasses up, a nervous habit of his.

It was more than okay. A giddy feeling rushed through her at the idea of him talking about her to his co-workers, recalling how he'd mentioned during their first hangout how much he valued them. She nodded, nudging him with her shoulder gently.

“You apologize too much, Spence. It’s totally fine. If anything, I’m flattered,” she admitted with a grin.

It didn’t take long for them to finish eating. Once the plates were cleared and placed in the sink, Y/N turned to Spencer, a small smirk playing on her lips. Spencer swallowed, leaning back against the counter, his eyes locked on her with a mix of curiosity as she began to speak.

"Do you watch every girl you're interested in through their window? Or am I just special?"

Her tone was playful, not angry or accusatory, but Spencer still tensed, stumbling over his words as he tried to explain himself.

"I swear I didn’t mean to come off as creepy or anything," Spencer stammered. "It’s just… from the moment I met you in the library, you were so captivating. And when I found out you lived across from me, I couldn’t help myself—"

Y/N's gaze softened as she realized just how nervous he actually was, and she took a step forward, shushing him with a finger to his lips.

"Spence, hey. Look at me, sweetheart,” she murmured, her arms loosely wrapping around his neck. She waited until their eyes met, then continued, her fingers gently twisting the hair at the nape of his neck. “I was just teasing. I wanted you to watch. That’s why I left my curtains open.”

Spencer’s eyes widened at her admission, a shaky sigh escaping his lips as he recalled every time she’d left her curtains open. All this time, she had wanted him to watch. The realization sent a strange warmth through him, and he carefully placed his hands on her waist.

“So, was the package at my door part of your plan too?” he breathed, his expression a blend of lust and adoration as he looked down at her.

Y/N's answer came in the form of a nod and a smug grin. Spencer chuckled, his nerves easing the longer he held her in his arms.

"I didn’t think you’d ever make a move, so I decided to take matters into my own hands," she said softly, still grinning as she met his gaze, mirroring the admiration in his eyes.

Spencer wrapped his arms around her, drawing her closer. “Is it wrong to say I’m glad you did?” he murmured, his hands gently caressing her lower back through her shirt. “You’re just… perfect. I was afraid you wouldn’t even give me the time of day if I’d tried to.”

Y/N’s mouth fell open in surprise, her brows furrowing as she tilted her head. “Are you serious?” she asked incredulously, letting her hands slide to rest on his shoulders as she leaned back in his embrace. “Spencer, I adore you. You could’ve asked me out in the library, right then, after just thirty seconds of knowing each other, and I would’ve said yes without a second thought. You really don’t give yourself enough credit.”

She tilted her head up, brushing her nose against his, continuing before he could speak. "Let me show you just how incredible I think you are. Please?"

Spencer sucked in a sharp breath, his heart racing at her words. It was exactly what he wanted, more than anything. But he hesitated, his mouth working as he fought to find the right words.

"I'm a virgin!" he not-so-eloquently blurted out instead.

Y/N's head jerked back, blinking hard as she processed his words. Had she heard him right?

"Wait... what did you just say?"

Spencer blushed hard, averting his gaze to the ground as he repeated himself.

"I'm a virgin."

It was Y/N’s turn to suck in a sharp breath, the admission arousing her more than she’d care to admit. She rubbed his shoulders gently before using one of her hands to guide his face back to hers, her gaze earnest as she looked at him.

“Honey, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. We don’t have to do anything at all—“

Spencer shook his head vigorously at that, a low whine emitting from his throat as he pressed his forehead to hers. “I want to do everything with you. I want to more than anything, I swear! I-I just… I don’t want it to be bad for you,” he whispered, unnecessary shame lacing his words.

“Spencer… sweetheart, it would never be bad for me as long as I’m with you,” Y/N whispered, her voice warm and steady. “I don’t want you to feel pressured, babe. Honestly, we could just curl up on the couch, watch a movie, or talk. I love talking with you, about anything.”

Spencer’s heart swelled at her words. No one had ever told him they truly enjoyed his company before, nor had anyone ever shown such genuine affection or concern for his emotions. It was a feeling he hadn’t known he was missing.

“I’m more than sure, Y/N. Please?” he mumbled, his grip on her hips tightening slightly. “I-I want to make you feel good.”

She paused, her eyes closing as she carefully considered her next move. After a long breath, Y/N gave a small nod, then pulled away from him completely.

“Follow me, then.”

Spencer hurried after her, nearly stumbling over his own feet in his eagerness to keep up. Once they reached her bedroom, Y/N shut the door and turned to face him, leaving him standing in the middle of her dimly lit room. He glanced around, almost in disbelief, as if he couldn’t quite believe he was really here—standing in her room and not caught in some dream.

“Bet it feels different being in here rather than just looking in,” Y/N teased, stepping closer to him.

“Very. I’m still waiting for the cameraman to jump out and tell me it’s all a prank.”

A soft laugh escaped her, and she shook her head with a smirk. “Sorry to disappoint, but that’s not happening. No prank, sweetheart,” she hummed, her eyes catching the way his gaze swept over her, full of unspoken desire.

Y/N smirked as she took another step forward, urging Spencer backward until the backs of his knees hit her mattress. She reached up, pushing down gently on his shoulders until he gingerly sat on the bed, looking up at her with wide eyes as she moved to straddle his lap. Her fingers carded through his hair, tugging gently and eliciting a whimper from him as she cocked her head.

“Quit looking at me like that,” she murmured, scratching her nails gently against his scalp.

A shiver ran down Spencer’s spine, his brows furrowing at her words. He shifted underneath her, resting his shaking hands on her hips. His tongue poked out to wet his lips, and he didn’t miss the way her eyes darkened at the sight.

“Like what?”

“Like you want me to ruin you.”

Y/N’s words lingered in the air, their breaths the only sound breaking the stillness. The tension between them was electric, each waiting for the other to break first. Finally, Spencer did, his voice barely a whisper as he spoke.

“That’s exactly what I want you to do.”

The slight tremble in his voice and the doe-eyed look he sported were all it took for Y/N’s resolve to crumble completely.

With a low groan, her lips crashed onto his. Their mouths melded together, the small whine bubbling in Spencer’s throat encouraging her to kiss him even harder. His hands reached up to cradle her face, matching her intensity as their lips moved together.

It wasn’t what she’d expected at all.

Spencer didn’t kiss her like the shy, hesitant man from earlier. Instead, his kiss was fiery, almost desperate, as though he wanted to drown in her and never resurface. And she found herself wanting exactly the same.

Y/N’s hands wandered from his hair down his chest, letting her fingertips dip beneath the hem of his shirt as their tongues brushed together. Her nails gently dragged along the soft skin there, and she felt his erection twitch from where it was firmly pressed to her core. Spencer whimpered, breaking their kiss with a soft gasp as he looked up at her pleadingly.

“Please,” he panted, his hands reaching for her hips to pull her down into him. Y/N rolled her hips against his, moaning lowly at the friction. She repeated the action once before stopping her movements, climbing off of him despite his protests with one simple command.

"Take off your clothes, Spence."

He complied immediately, scrambling to stand and strip out of his clothes. His fingers fumbled as he worked at his tie, his focus stuck on her as she undressed before him. A frustrated groan left his lips as he finally yanked the tie off, his hands moving too slowly for his own liking.

Y/N arched a brow, chuckling at his irritated noise as she stepped out of her pants. She reached up to stop his hands, beginning to unbutton his shirt herself. "What's got you so worked up, hm? It's not like it's anything you haven't seen before," she purred, sliding her hands under the fabric and slipping it off of him.

The shirt hit the ground with a muted thump, and her eyes roamed over his newly exposed skin hungrily. Spencer whined at her teasing, letting his hands roam up and down her sides as she worked on getting his pants off.

"I could see you like this an infinite amount of times, and it would still take my breath away every time," he murmured, his hands gently squeezing her hips.

A faint pink spread across her cheeks at his words, and she lifted her face to place a soft kiss on his lips, a silent thank you. No one had ever made her feel as treasured as Spencer did. He gazed at her with a devotion that felt almost reverent, as though she were someone to be worshipped—and he longed to be the one to worship her.

Which was highly ironic, considering she was the one sinking to her knees the second his pants pooled around his ankles.

"Wh-what are you doing?" Spencer's voice raised pitch as she steadied herself with her hands on his thighs, looking down at her with wide eyes, pushing his glasses back up his nose as they threatened to slip down from the angle.

"What does it look like I'm doing, sweetheart?" Y/N murmured, leaning forward to press an open-mouthed kiss to his hip. "I want your pretty cock down my throat. You okay with that?"

The sound Spencer made was almost pained, his fists clenching at his sides as he struggled to figure out what to do with his hands. His mouth parted, a stutter escaping him before he finally gave in, nodding instead. His cock twitched in his boxers, aching to feel her touch.

"Words, baby. Use your words."

Y/N's lips skimmed across his navel, peppering kisses along the smattering of hair there as she waited for his response.

"God—yes! I'm okay with that," Spencer whined, his hips bucking forward instinctively from her touch. "Please... please touch me—"

Y/N couldn't deny such sweet begging. It would be downright cruel if she did.

Her fingers found the waistband of his boxers, tugging them down slowly. She kept her eyes locked on his, carefully assessing his every reaction to ensure there was no trace of doubt before proceeding. When she saw none, she swiftly yanked them down the rest of the way, letting them pool around his ankles with his pants.

Spencer gasped as the chill of her bedroom air met his warm skin, goosebumps spreading across his arms as he fought the urge to shy away from her gaze. He never thought that highly of himself in the physical aspect— all lean muscles, lanky limbs, and pale skin spattered with freckles and a few random scars. But his insecurities faded the moment he heard her breath catch, her eyes filled with admiration as they lingered on him.

"You're so beautiful, Spencer," Y/N breathed, bringing a hand up to grip him gently. "So, so beautiful."

Her mouth was on him before he could respond.

A keening sound filled the room as he watched in pure awe as she dragged her tongue up and down the length of him slowly before her lips wrapped around the flushed head of his cock, a spark of pleasure shooting up his spine as his hands flexed by his side. She sucked gently, swirling her tongue around the tip before pulling off of him to speak.

"Don't be afraid to hold onto me, sweetheart. Go ahead."

Spencer's hands immediately came up to cradle the back of her head, finding purchase as she returned to what she was doing. The sight of her on her knees and taking the length of him into her mouth had his knees almost buckling. It was something he'd dreamed about for nights on end, but now that it was actually happening, he didn't know what to do with himself.

"F-fuck—" He whimpered, his eyes squeezing shut to prevent himself from cumming right then and there.

All he'd ever experienced before was his own hand (and occasionally some desperate humping against his mattress), so the feeling of her mouth around him was otherworldly. Just when he thought it was safe to open his eyes again, Y/N smirked around her mouthful and pushed her head down to take him in completely.

"Oh—!" Spencer cried out as he hit the back of her throat, jolting and stumbling backward and falling out of her mouth with a slick 'pop'. His chest heaved as he reached down to grip himself tightly, staving off his orgasm. He didn't want to cum yet. Not this quickly.

"I-I'm sorry, it just felt too... too good—"

Y/N gently stroked his trembling thighs, pressing a kiss beneath his belly button before rising to her feet. She shushed his stammered apologies with a kiss on his forehead, caressing his face as he caught his breath. His face was flushed, both from embarrassment and arousal, and the sight was more endearing than it should have been.

"You have nothing to apologize for, sweetheart. Absolutely nothing," she whispered, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips before turning to crawl onto her bed. “Get up here, baby,” she crooned as she laid back against her pillows, patting the spot beside her.

Spencer almost tripped over his pants in his haste to follow after her, kicking the fabric away before he kneeled onto the mattress, smiling meekly at Y/N as she watched in amusement. "I w-want—" Spencer paused as he watched her lean forward so she could unclasp her bra, completely enraptured. "I want to taste you. Please?"

Desire coursed through her at his words, searing through her veins as she met his gaze. She loved how pretty the word please sounded falling from his kiss-swollen lips. She slipped free from her bra, tossing it to the ground before answering his pleading.

"Go ahead, baby. Take whatever you want—I want you to have it all."

Spencer swallowed hard at that, a small grin playing on his lips as he moved forward to settle between her spread legs. He kneeled between them, taking off his glasses and setting them on her nightstand before lowering himself to hover over her. He bumped his nose against hers, his grin widening as he moved to tentatively kiss along the side of her neck.

Y/N moaned at the feeling, tangling her fingers into his tousled strands. He continued, trailing his kisses down the slope of her shoulder before pausing to suck a small mark into her skin, relishing in the soft noises falling from her lips. Once he was satisfied with his mark, he brought his lips down to mouth along her breast, laving his tongue over the taut bud of her nipple.

"Spence—" she whimpered as he closed his lips around the hardened peak, suckling with a low groan that rumbled against her skin. She tugged at his hair, pulling him impossibly closer. "Feels so good, sweetheart."

Spencer hummed, pulling off her breast after a moment and switching to the other to give it the same treatment. Y/N whined, arching into his touch as he began to move down her body. What he may have lacked in physical experience, he more than compensated for with knowledge.

Contrary to popular belief, he wasn't a prude. He'd read plenty of erotic novels, as well as countless books all centered around the female anatomy and how to inflict the most pleasure so that he could at least pretend to feel prepared for his first time. It seemed to be paying off, though, if the noises she made were any indication of how he was doing.

Spencer's hands came up to rest on her hips as he settled on his stomach between her thighs, hissing softly when his erection pressed into the mattress. His eyes met hers, and the clouded look in her eyes was all the encouragement he needed.

"God, you're soaked," he whispered in astonishment as his finger traced the damp spot in the front of her panties, causing a breathy chuckle to slip from her lips.

"How could I not be?"

Spencer blushed, leaning down to kiss her inner thigh before pulling the fabric down her legs. His breath hitched at the sight of her glistening pussy, fully on display for him without the barrier of their windows in his way. Any coherent thought that was swirling around in his head vanished, replaced with an urgent need to taste her. He moved without thinking as he latched his mouth onto her eagerly, groaning against her slick skin as he began to lap at her hungrily.

"Fuck! Spencer—" Y/N cried out, her grip on his hair tightening at the unexpected pleasure. Her head tipped back against her pillows as her hips writhed under his ministrations, rolling against his mouth as he devoured her.

There was little to no technique— just pure, unbridled enthusiasm. But it felt so good that she didn't care. He alternated between sucking at her clit and thrusting his tongue into her, needy moans slipping from his lips the entire time he did.

"Fingers, baby—" she gasped, biting her lower lip harshly to stifle a loud moan. "Use your fingers, too."

Spencer didn't need to be told twice. He pulled away from her, licking the taste of her from his lips as he brought two fingers up to her entrance. He focused his gaze on her face as he pushed them inside of her, his mouth hanging open and soft breaths panting against her skin as he began to thrust them.

"Like this?"

His tone wasn't cocky or arrogant. It was curious, like he was genuinely invested in finding out what felt the best for her. She nodded, a choked moan slipping from her lips as he grazed against that rough patch of nerves inside of her that had her hips thrashing.

Spencer watched in fascination for a moment before bringing his head back down, his eyes fluttering shut as he began to trace her clit with his tongue. His hips rocked instinctively against the bed, grinding against it in a desperate attempt to find some relief for his aching cock as he brought her closer and closer to her climax.

"Spence—" Y/N whimpered, her hands falling from his hair to grip the sheets as she clenched around his fingers. "I-I'm cumming—"

Spencer groaned against her, doubling his efforts so he could watch her fall apart on his fingers. With a soft cry, Y/N came hard, her eyes squeezing shut as she trembled underneath him. He continued his movements, pumping his fingers into her gently until she was whining and wriggling away from his touch.

Spencer watched her in awe, kneading her thighs and hips to help her come down from her high.

"C'mere," she panted after a few minutes, finally opening her eyes to look up at him as he moved to hover above her.

A proud grin made its way to Spencer's face as he obeyed, resting on his forearms as he looked down at her. The hazy look in her eyes made his heart race, knowing that he was the cause of it doing more for his ego than he cared to admit. She returned his grin, leaning up to kiss him softly and tasting herself on his tongue.

"You did so good, sweetheart. Such a good boy for me," she mumbled against his lips.

She broke the kiss to press on his shoulders, rolling them over so she straddled him once more. A lazy smirk adorned her lips as he looked up at her, his pupils so dilated that the soft brown of his eyes was indiscernible. She began to rock her hips against his aching cock, a sigh slipping from her lips as her folds dragged over him.

Spencer moaned lowly at the friction, bringing his hands up to palm at her ass as she continued her movements. His fingers dug into her flesh as she spoke, but he didn't hear a single word she said as he kept his gaze locked on where her pussy was gliding along his length.

"Hey," Y/N cooed, patting his cheek gently to guide his eyes back to hers. "Eyes on me, sweetheart."

Spencer whined, his hips bucking underneath hers in an attempt to bring back the delicious friction that had been taken away when she lifted her hips. "I-I'm sorry. I wasn't listening," Spencer mumbled sheepishly, his face flushed as he held her gaze.

Y/N chuckled, tutting in mock disappointment as she gripped his chin. "I know you weren't," she muttered with an arched brow before continuing. "I was asking if you wanted to use a condom or not. I'm clean and—"

"No condom!"

Y/N jumped, startled. The urgency in his voice sent a wave of warmth through her as she eyed him in amusement, enjoying the bashful look that immediately appeared on his face after his exclamation. Spencer cleared his throat, attempting to regain some of his dignity.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to borderline shout that," Spencer said softly, his voice cracking slightly. "I just— I want to feel you, please. Without a condom in the way, preferably."

The grin that spread across her face could only be described as salacious as she nodded, cradling his face before leaning in for a tender kiss.

"No condom it is, then."

Y/N shifted up onto her knees, reaching between them to align him with her entrance before pausing when he spoke up.

"I— um... C-can I be on top of you instead?" he whispered, looking up at her with nervous eyes.

Her gaze softened at the sight, and she nodded immediately. "Of course, sweetheart. Whatever you want, remember?" She murmured with a fond smile, rolling off of him to lay back against the pillows.

Spencer thanked her quietly, moving to hover above her once more. His body trembled as he propped up on one arm, reaching down to line himself up with her once more. She cradled his face, stroking her thumb along his cheekbone reassuringly. He took a deep breath to steady himself before pushing forward, sinking into her.

The feeling of her tight walls wrapping around him had him keening while she moaned just as loudly in return, dropping his head into the crook of her neck as he sucked in desperate, shaky breaths. He'd never experienced pleasure so overwhelming before. He was honestly convinced he'd died right there in her arms, pressing sloppy kisses to her skin just to prove to himself that he was, in fact, still alive.

"God— feels so good," he began to babble, moaning softly as he pulled his hips back slightly before thrusting forward again. "So tight... so wet— fuck!"

Y/N dug her nails into his shoulders, whimpering as he thrusted into her again, this time a little harder. "That's it, Spence," she panted, encouraging him to begin really moving. "You feel so good, baby. So fucking deep."

Spencer's hips jerked at that, his head dropping back into the crook of her neck as he began to drive into her in short, jagged thrusts. Moans slipped freely from his lips, mingling with hers as their bodies moved in tandem.

It didn't take long before the familiar tightening in his stomach came back, but he was too lost in the pleasure to stop. The feeling of Y/N around him was addictive. He seeked solace in her walls, rutting into her like a man possessed now as he sang her his praises against her skin. His hips stuttered as he lifted his head up, crashing his lips onto hers in a messy kiss as his hips pounded against hers even harder.

"Gonna— cum, fuck, I'm cumming—"

Spencer cried out against her lips, burying himself as deep inside of her as he could before filling her with rope after rope of his release. A pitiful noise fell from his lips as he broke the kiss, his eyes wide as he gawked down at her. His hips stopped moving, but before he could speak, Y/N was looping her arms around his neck and pulling him down.

“Did I say you could stop fucking me, Spencer?” Y/N’s voice was taunting in his ear, her nails digging into his shoulders as she wrapped her legs around his waist to keep him in place.

Spencer’s brows pinched together as confusion washed over him, and his arms trembled as he struggled to remain hovering above her. His cock twitched inside of her as she canted her hips up, causing him to hiss softly from the overstimulation. His lower lip wobbled as he stared at her with a half-dazed, half-pleading look.

"W-what?"

“You greedy boy,” Y/N purred as she rolled her hips again. She smirked at the whimper he let out before tilting her head to skim her lips across his. “Don’t you want to feel me cum on your cock? Hm?”

Spencer shuddered at her words, chasing helplessly after her lips. He whined petulantly when she tilted her head, keeping him from succeeding in getting his kiss.

“I do,” Spencer whimpered, nodding fervently. “I wanna feel it so bad,” he groaned, his words beginning to slur from the pleasure coursing through him from head to toe.

“Then keep fucking me, sweetheart.”

A determined look crossed over his face, his brows knitting together as he shifted up onto his knees and pulled her hips up before thrusting forward. The change in angles had her crying out as he brushed against her sweet spot, and he grunted as he began to rock into her slowly, pushing past the sweet sting of overstimulation. He tightened his grip on her hip with one hand while his other moved to where they were connected, rubbing small, sloppy circles against her clit as he began moving with a purpose.

“Mm—“ Y/N groaned out, her eyes threatening to close as she struggled to keep them focused on his face. “Just like that, Spence. Ah—!“

The sound of his hips snapping against hers paired with the slick, crude sound of him fucking his cum back into her had his head lolling back, a guttural moan rumbling in his throat.

His hips were relentless, chasing her pleasure more so than his own now. It was messy and borderline feral—their mixed arousal coated his pelvis and her thighs and one of the corners of the sheets had come up from Y/N yanking at them. But neither of them could find it in themselves to care.

“Cum for me, Y/N,” Spencer begged, shifting her legs up onto his shoulders and clinging to her thighs as he drove into her. “Please—wanna feel you cum on my cock… I need it—“

The sound of his pleading hurled her over the edge. Y/N’s nails nearly tore through the sheets as her eyes squeezed shut, cry after cry of his name falling from her open mouth as she came around him. Her body trembled from the force of her orgasm, her walls clenching so tightly around him that it triggered his second climax unexpectedly.

“Oh my God— oh— fuck!” Spencer wailed, devolving into a series of whimpers as he spilled everything he had into her.

After a moment of ragged breathing, he turned to press a kiss to her ankle before easing her limp legs off of his shoulders and to the bed. Y/N stroked his hair with shaky hands as he crumpled over on top of her, their bodies warm and damp with sweat. Their chests were heaving as they struggled to catch their breath, with Y/N whispering into his hair how good he did and how perfect he’d made her feel.

They stayed curled up for a while, but eventually, the stickiness became too much to ignore. They both stumbled into her bathroom—both for a quick shower and for Y/N to pee to avoid a UTI. After changing the sheets, they returned to her bed, and Y/N turned away to switch off the lamp, leaving them wrapped in the peaceful darkness.

“Does this mean you’re my girlfriend now?” Spencer asked, a shy grin on his face as she turned back to him, snuggling into his embrace as he pulled her closer.

Y/N huffed out a soft, sleepy laugh, nodding against him. “If you want me to be, sweetheart,” she murmured, her voice heavy with exhaustion as her eyelids fluttered shut.

“Of course I want you to,” Spencer replied, his words followed by a small yawn as sleep started to take hold of him too.

“Looks like it’s official then. I’m your girlfriend, you’re my boyfriend. Now, get some rest, my sweet boy.”

It wasn’t until the following evening, after a full day spent with Y/N on their first official date—a trip to the museum and lunch at his favorite restaurant—that he noticed something tucked into his pocket. A giddy grin spread across Spencer’s face as he unfolded the lacy pink panties, a small note tucked inside that read: For you to take on your next case. ;) xoxo - Y/N.

Spencer glanced down at the fabric in his hands, a soft chuckle escaping him as he silently thanked whatever force had made her the one to fill the vacant apartment across from his.

Continued A/N’s and tag list!! <3: Big big thank you to everyone that enjoyed part one and came back to read part two :’) And thank you to everyone that wanted to be tagged!! If you guys would like for me to start doing an official tag list, please let me know :’) <3 @halfbloodwriter , @opheliahotchner , @mothgrrrl666 , @silver138, @elliet1ou

REMINDER: I do not give permission for my work to be re-uploaded to any other platforms (c.ai, Tiktok, ao3, etc.) under any circumstances. If you'd like to translate my work, then please just ask me before doing so. I know it sounds whiny, but I (as well as many other fanfic writers) spend so much time on these and it's genuinely not okay to take credit for work that isn't yours. It's insulting and completely unnecessary. If I do see my work uploaded anywhere without explicit permission, I WILL say something.

[mylittleredgirl]

i have a theory about why deep space nine feels different than other star treks. i mean, of course there are lots of big obvious differences: the initial premise ("we're not going anywhere, people are coming to us"), to the big recurring cast, and the eventual sprawling war arc ("mods are asleep, post serial storytelling"). you can come at this from a lot of angles.

but to me, on a week by week basis, what makes it feel so different is that they don't have a bridge.

ops is initially the bridge set equivalent, but in practice, it functions more like an open office plan than a unified command and control center. sisko doesn't even have a designated place to stand, let alone a command chair. bashir visits to gossip. odo, quark, and jake rarely have a reason to be there. they have even less reason to be on the defiant, so gaining a bridge set doesn't fully resolve the absence of bridge scenes.

(for comparison, there is only one episode of tng with no scenes on the bridge!)

the lack of weekly bridge scenes means the main cast are essentially never all in the same room at the same time working together toward a common goal. in fact, the only time i can remember right now where all of those things are true is the baseball episode in season seven. (even if you don’t include jake, how often does this happen? i can think of the briefing room scene in “facets”… and???)

this changes the structure of the show on a weekly basis, because they have to rely more heavily on a/b/c stories to get everyone on camera.

voyager had a similar problem to solve in the early seasons, using sickbay b-plots to give the doctor and kes some airtime, but it's not as consistently notable to me as it is in deep space nine, because sickbay is often a natural part of the main plot.

neelix and kes are civilians, but they are still working members of the crew. and while both tng and voyager have plenty of recreational activities, the characters put down their violins and holodeck programs and go to work when the a-plot happens.

i think this is why deep space nine feels so lived-in. the famous tonal whiplash of the a/b plots and the "now for a single scene at the bar to see quark and odo" is this constant evidence that people are still gambling and dating and growing up and sometimes not even noticing the big story of the week.

[thelov3lybookworm]

Journals (part 2)

Part 1

Summary: new realisations and hauntingly beautiful words

•○●⛦●○•

Word Count: 2059

Warnings: heavyyyy angst, mental health issues, depression, feeling unworthy of love, panic attack, self harm (alluded to), self hate. thats all i can think of right now, but let me know if i need to add anything

A/n: based on old poetry by @garden-of-runar 🤭i had reblogged them to my drafts on a side blog that i dont use at all, so i couldnt reblog them on my main, but i have put them in the fic, so ig that works🤷🏻‍♀️ also, if i ever write a part 3 (which i might based on feedback) azzie would be the love interest <3

ALSO MY GIRLIE IS SO TALENTED DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED I LOVE THESE POEMS 🥹

(im also tagging people who asked for a part two hope u dont mind <3)

anyways, enjoyyyy!!

°•°•°•○🌑○•°•°•°

Lying on the ground, despite how it hurt her joints sometimes, was one of Y/n’s favourite pastimes. Maybe because sometimes she did not have the energy to crawl into her bed, but that was not the point.

They hate you.

The hardness of the wood panels was oddly comforting, the way the grains sometimes raised enough for her to feel them with her fingers, the soft creaking when she stepped on them. It reminded her that she was here, that she was alive. That she was getting what she deserved for being so pathetic.

The soft mattress did not give her the same level of comfort. Sure, it was warm and cozy, but did she deserve it?

No.

You deserve this.

You deserve the worst.

Y/n sniffled, lying on her side as she lifted her hand higher next to her, dragging her nails down the planks, the feeling overwhelming in itself but better than not feeling anything. She watched her fingers jerk with the motion, pale and bloodless.

She could feel her tears collecting in a pool and seeping under her cheek. She glanced at the foot of the bed in front of her.

It looks so majestic from down here.

Do people who are worse off think the same way about me?

I don’t want them to. Because I am not worth being thought of like that.

I am nothing. I am pathetic.

It became harder and harder to take in a breath from her nose, as it continued to grow clogged from all her sobbing.

It was one of her least favourite things about crying.

Pathetic.

Stop it!

You’re pathetic. Crying over nothing.

You don’t deserve anything good.

The thoughts kept echoing in her head, louder and louder. She couldn’t breathe any longer.

And it was not because of anything physical.

Her chest began to constrict, forcing her lungs to let out precious air. She tried to breathe it back in, desperately wishing to cling to any remnants of oxygen like a child clinging to its mothers skirts.

Please. Just one inhale.

Her throat tightened.

Just one.

She gasped, futilely trying to breathe one last time to breathe before she knew she would collapse, faint because of the lack of air in her body. It gave her some reprieve, and her eyes focused back to the bed.

The longer she stared at it, the more drowsy she became. Her eyelids were drooping, and she finally, finally decided that maybe letting herself submit to her body’s needs wouldn’t be too bad, if it meant that the thoughts would stop. Maybe if she gave in to the tiredness in her bones after hours of sobbing, her mind would stop being so cruel.

Maybe it would take pity on her.

Maybe.

°•°•°•○🌑○•°•°•°

"We should go out tomorrow!"

Y/n smiled a little. A rare smile that only recently had begun showing on her face.

It wouldn’t be considered a real smile. But it was still there on her face. The tilt of her lips.

We. Not me. We.

They wanted her to be present too.

Cassian jumped up, looking at Y/n with a grin. "I always wanted to take Y/n out to Rita’s."

Her smile grew.

The other members talked, making plans for tomorrow. Slowly, the conversation spiralled, as it always did between them all.

Azriel leaned close to Y/n, whispering jokes in her ear that made her giggle. Rhysand sat on the same couch as Cassian, fighting like children. Mor sat next to Amren, amusement shining in her eyes as she added fuel to the fire, while Amren looked like she’d rather be anywhere but here.

They talked well into the night, politics, food, court gossip bleeding into one another as the time trickled by.

But the moment the conversations wandered into their future, Y/n’s smile faded. She wondered, would they want her to stay in their life?

She didn’t have to wonder long, as the words they uttered were enough to give her peace.

They talked of vacations, of parties and new traditions. Of getting married, of being with their partners. Of celebrating lives and years and months, of celebrating ends and new beginnings.

They talked, and included her.

They talked in ‘we’s’. Not in ‘me’s’.

And that was enough for her little heart to be happy.

For it to heal, for the blood to return to her face.

For her to smile, free and unbidden.

But then, time passed. And just like the sand in an hourglass trickles away, so do all good things.

As she watched, the scene changed from only housing six people in the living room, to adding three more members. And slowly, she was pushed out.

And they began talking in ‘me’s’.

Some ‘we’s’, but it never meant Y/n.

No, it meant them. Them and their partners.

It meant Feyre and Rhysand. Their new lives and baby.

It meant Cassian and Nesta. Their new mating bond and blooming love.

It meant Azriel and Elain. Their growing infatuation.

Y/n doubted the infatuation had ended, as Azriel no longer sat next to Elain at dinners. Lucien’s visits to Velaris had increased too.

But everyone’s visits to Y/n and their thoughts about her had decreased. No one seemed to remember her existence.

And she deserved it.

They chatted among themselves, and the armchair she sat on vanished from under her, leaving her standing knee deep in the freezing snow. Watching from the outside as the warm interior that had seemed so welcoming just a moment ago turned into a nightmare.

Her worst nightmare.

It left her whimpering, leaving her to curl on the cold ground.

All alone, just like she deserved.

°•°•°•○🌑○•°•°•°

It was almost sunset, and finally, Rhysand had built up the determination to read the damned journal.

He walked downstairs, peering into the living room before stepping in front of it.

Mor had departed after Y/n had left, tears in her eyes. Azriel and Cassian had been sitting in the living room for the whole two hours since then, staring into space, looking haunted and horrified at the way they hadn’t realised what was going on with their friend. Amren too, sat in an armchair in the corner, looking as unbothered as ever. But Rhys saw the cracks. The shifting eyes, the too hard hold on the book she held in her lap, the downward tilt of her lips more pronounced.

"I think it’s time we read the journal."

Four sets of eyes shot up to his figure.

"Are you sure, Rhys?" Cassian mumbled, standing up uncertainly.

Rhys nodded. "It is the only option we have."

Azriel sighed, mirroring Cassian’s movements and moving closer to Rhysand.

Feyre perked up. "What is going on Rhys?"

He clenched his jaw, guilt and regret festering in his gut. He had been so busy in his newfound happiness, so wound up in enjoying every moment with his mate that he had forgotten family. He had forgotten her to the extent his mate didn’t even know what the slight tang of copper in the air meant.

"Nothing, Feyre." He mumbled, turning away.

"Elain was asking-"

"Tell her to stop asking, then." Rhysand froze at the coldness in Azriel’s voice, his eyes going wide. Azriel never used that tone of voice with anyone outside of work, let alone Feyre.

Feyre stepped back, her calves hitting the couch as she stared at her friend in shock. "Az?"

Azriel pushed past Rhysand, making his way towards his study where the journal sat, looking as frustrated and unapologetic as ever.

After a shared glance, Rhysand and Cassian followed, Amren hot on their heels.

Azriel was already seated in one of the chairs at Rhysand’s mahogany desk, his eyes fixed on the journal that lay in the middle, his jaw clenched. He seemed to be the most affected, and Rhys only had the faintest idea why.

The four of them sat in waiting until Mor finally arrived, shutting the door behind her. Her eyes were bloodshot, and she sniffled lightly as she came to stand next to Cassian.

"Rhys, do we really have to read it? It will be an invasion of privacy."

Rhys swallowed. Thought it over. "We don’t really have a choice, do we? We need to figure out the root of this. She won’t tell us if we ask, we know that. Plus, she might already be way down the path of another breakdown after what happened today."

"That is why I think that instead of sitting around on our arses," Azriel ground out, "we should go and check up on her."

Rhys raised a brow, though concern festered in his gut. "Azriel, we’ve been through this before. She will feel worse about herself, thinking she inconvenienced us."

A muscle feathered in Azriel’s jaw, but he said nothing.

And so they began reading.

Rhysand opened a random page, his breath catching at the sudden tang of copper, and began reading. As he stared at the words before speaking them aloud, he remembered seeing the exact poem in a book he recommended to Y/n over fifty years ago.

Forgotten.That is my nameThat is the path I walkIt has been so longI don’t remember what it is like to be seenAnd I spill, my tears lining the path to the woods where my body lies,Forgotten.- from GardenofRunar

Instantly, Rhysand’s blood ran cold. He leaned back, exhaling. The pages were decorated in flowers and hearts, tiny little clouds and doodles in the margins so at odds with the thoughts spilled onto them like a hauntingly beautiful scenery.

At this point, Cassian and the others had moved to peer over Rhys’s shoulder. Rhys watched as Cassan reached over to turn the page with a shaky hand, pulling it back almost instantly as if the page had burned him. There, just above the words was a small handful of doodles, and he knew the small figures resembled the inner circle before Rhys had been taken under the mountain.

The poem was more a letter than anything, except it contained so few letters but thy hit everyone with a guilt so hard it was almost like a mountain fell onto them.

So like Y/n, to say so less yet still make an impact.

I didn’t forget about you.Can you say the same for me?Don’t bother.I know the answer.-GardenOfRunar

Under the poem, were a few words.

The poet is so talented. Every poem of them I read, it makes me want to sob.Maybe because I relate to these. Maybe that’s why.

Quiet sniffles came from Mor, but Rhys turned another page. It was the first page where blood began dotting the corners, a few drops on the center of the page veining out towards the edges, as if trying to exit but being unable to.

The almost poeticness of the sight was not lost on them. The blood droplets were almost like Y/n, trying to escape a cruel mind but unable to.

My friends are living lives, and I’m trudging through a million little days,Wasting away.- GardenofRunar

A hand snaked towards the book, slamming it shut. Rhysand jumped, his eyes flying to the owner of the scarred hand that appeared.

"Enough." His voice was still, quiet, but so cold it could freeze even the summer court over. And Rhysand knew. He was blaming himself for not paying attention to Y/n.

Rhys nodded, feeling guiltier by the second.

Everyone went back to their places, sitting in silence. Contemplating.

Wondering how they had become so oblivious to the point that they couldn’t see what was right in front of them the entire time.

The regret, the sadness was heavy in the air. It was getting hard to breathe it in.

Finally, Azriel stood, grabbing the book.

Then he turned, and walked out the door without a word, his wings pulled tight against his back.

And Rhysand wondered again.

Was this just some friendly concern, some self blame, or something else entirely?

Needless to say, suspicion took root. But guilt and hate overwhelmed it once more, and the family was left to sit and roil in it.

To wonder, how could they have been so busy that they ignored such an important part of them?

°•°•°•○🌑○•°•°•°

(ps. the first part in the memories/dreams Y/n has is based off this poem

You talk in ‘we’s’ Not ‘me’s’ And it heals my heart, just a little. Puts a smile on my face, just a little. You talk about a future One with me in it And I feel the color Return to my face. Just a little. - Runar

)

@velarisnightsky444 @fasoaurore @anainkandpaper @urfunnyvalentin3 @gabbiskylar01

Permanent Taglist: @berryzxx @sarawritestories @milswrites @throneofsmut

@daycourtofficial @sweetorangeblossom @serenescureforboredom @cassie6392 @harrystylesfan2686

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[hms-no-fun]

i'll barge in on this post as someone whose youtube career was at least partially made by being on that stream. i'd been watching for a couple days i think when May Leitz DM'd me to see if i wanted to be on. they needed lots of people to fill in at all hours of the day, and there was no plan for how to do that ahead of time because 24 hour streams were still a relatively new thing whose rules were being made in real time. so i got brought into the "tooth gang," a term whose origin i don't remember beyond us chanting "tooth gang rise up." this crowd of usually transfem commentators was a who's-who of 2019-era video essayists, most of whom are still in obscurity but got a huge boost at the time. it was, without doubt, a gargantuan clusterfuck, owing in part to the fact that there was no real process for vetting guests and several people had free invite permissions who really should not have-- and yet, it was precisely these we-haven't-figured-out-livestream-marathons-yet blunders which allowed the DK64 nightmare stream to become such a subcultural flashpoint. you didn't have to be a Name Brand Breadtuber (apologies to all the name brands who resent falling under this umbrella, i know you didn't ask for it) to get on the stream, you didn't even have to be friends with one of the Name Brands-- some in the tooth gang were actively seeking out obscure/niche youtubers and other trans figures to fill in dead air, to give more people a shot at exposure, because it was SUCH a big stream and they needed lots of bodies. i have no doubt this was incredibly annoying for the organizers of the stream, and something they all learned a lot of valuable lessons from-- but for that week, in that moment, the chaos enabled a community to self-recognize on an immense platform, eventually rubbing reputational shoulders with the likes of AOC.

i think what was so exciting about it was being suddenly inundated with the amount of trans people that existed in this community. every one of us that got on the stream was celebrated in some form, because the whole thing was just this swell of FUCK YOU WE'RE ALIVE energy. what was also amazing was the voracious crowdfund support. obviously the stream itself was raising money for the mermaids fund, but every guest was invited to plug any crowdfunding stuff they had. i remember one disabled trans person was suddenly able to afford a really good electric wheelchair after months of getting no donations. i had a gofundme for laser hair removal that met its goal in just a few minutes when i was invited to share it-- and after that, may was like "raise the goal, you need the money and people are giving it." so i did and they did, and on top of laser that kept the bills paid for a couple extra months. there was just this overwhelming sense that everyone was here because they loved trans people and wanted to support us against the growing tide of anti-trans sentiment, and the generosity on display was just amazing.

and then the way the guest list cascaded near the end, as it just got more and more high profile. suddenly you had people from the original DK64 dev team, you had Geralt's voice actor, you had AOC, and definitely a bunch of others i don't remember. it felt like being caught in a hurricane, like we were a bunch of nerdy enthusiasts who got swept up in this fun little thing we liked only to watch as the storm wall expanded around us until suddenly dozens of weird socially awkward often traumatized trans people who'd never really been recognized before were just barely off-stage for an event that made national news. obviously nobody talking about AOC's involvement was talking about any of the rest of us in specific, but it didn't matter. we were part of something that really felt like it mattered at the time. it felt like a substantial victory against popular transphobia, which was perhaps an over-estimation of that stream's material importance but whatever. it meant something, and that matters.

it was on that stream i pitched my politics of the mcelroy brothers video, and everyone who heard the pitch was like "oh that's a great idea, i'd watch that video." so when the stream was over i put all my energy into making it, and it is still the highest-viewed essay on my entire channel. that stream and the environment that emerged because of it changed the trajectory of a lot of people's lives, including my own. the base of support i built at that moment in 2019 remains the bulk of my income today, six years later. i met people on that stream who are still good friends. i've got a lot of fun memories; i'll never forget jumping into a chat one night (the call channels weren't limited until waaaay late in the week) between hbomb, stef sterling and others because someone had mentioned homestuck, and me being the relentless pill i am i jumped in to be like OKAY BUT HOMESTUCK IS GOOD ACTUALLY and sterling immediately was like "and that's my cue to leave!" i think it's safe to say i did not convince anyone on that call that homestuck is good actually, and i doubt that the intervening years have done much to move the needle on that front, but i got a kick out of it nevertheless. once it was over i got a bunch of folks to record their thoughts on what the stream meant for them, and put it all together in an episode of my podcast Trans Questioning. that's a good listen if you want some more contemporary accounts of the event.

so yeah. at the time of the stream i'd been on HRT for less than a year and i'd been out only slightly longer than that. i'd freshly graduated college and released a sort of art film essay about transitioning that i was really proud of but didn't exactly know how to continue on from. the DK64 nightmare stream hit my life at a perfectly miraculous moment. the sudden increased audience for my youtube and podcast meant i didn't have to get a day job straight out of college. being annoying about homestuck at hbomb got me on my first episode of the perfectly generic podcast, a show i'd eventually go on to be a recurring host of. jump forward a year and change to June 2020, when i decided to get the absolute fuck out of Oklahoma and move to Seattle. to do that, i had to raise something like $4000 through streams and begposts. even taking into account the more generous donation atmosphere of the time, i don't think i would have been able to do that if not for the exposure i got from being part of the tooth gang. on the backend, that stream was a catastrophe whose mistakes were rightly aggressively corrected in future iterations. there will never be another stream like it, and probably shouldn't be, at least not quite so purely unmoderated. attempts were made by some to replicate that environment, but without the "big" names anchoring it they just weren't the same and came with diminishing returns. its importance was the result of, in essence, a humorously tolerated hijacking by the trans community. it was a brilliant, strange, stressful moment, one that i hope someday another generation of trans creators will have their own version of.

hi what was it like to be a part of hbomberguy's mermaid donkey kong 64 stream?

for myself, just watching the stream was a milestone in how i view my own relation to gender and im curious how did it feel like to see so many amazing voices speak of their stories and experiences in your position at the time.

I don't want to speculate but ever since you came out i was wandering if you knew at the time

my abiding memory of it was that it precipitated me and my then partner saying "I love you" to each other for the first time, which is a happy memory. Other than that I don't honestly recall much.

[practicalgauntlet]

Alexithymia

(n.) Inability to describe emotions verbally

PART TWO

Synopsis- You can't get what happened out of your head and now Spencer is acting weird.

Category- Fluff

Notes- Tension, mutual pining, short one-shot, confessions without words, last part, still don't believe in Dom!Spencer, soft-core flirting, no smut, at least not for this one-shot, no use of Y/N or the appearance/gender identity for the reader, I'm OBSESSED with Spencer in the early seasons (1-6).

⋆⁺₊⋆ ━━━━⊱༒︎ • ༒︎⊰━━━━ ⋆⁺₊⋆

It had been three weeks since Spencer caressed your cheek, the echo of his touch still plaguing your dreams. At one point, the week and a half mark, you would wake up at the crack of dawn with images of gentle touches and bright smiles.

There is one thing though, that has set your teeth on edge more than the lingering thoughts and desperate yearning that has taken hold of you. Spencer was different. No longer was he the bashful genius you fell for. Now, instead of shying away from you, it seemed as if he was determined to be as close as socially acceptable.

A hand on the small of your back, the back of his knuckles brushing against yours as he walked alongside you, his shoulder pressed against yours as he sat next to you at the bar. Every time the two of you were in the same room, he was glued to your side. And to make matters worse (better?) you found yourself doing the same exact thing.

If he didn't automatically greet you when you entered the bullpen, you were walking up to him with a face-stretching smile, if he wasn't immediately at your side on the jet, you were taking the seat right next to him. Despite the newfound closeness you and Spencer had fallen into, it wasn't quite as intimate as that night on the jet.

"What are you thinking about?" Spencer asked, his chin on his hand as his elbow rested on his desk.

You hadn't realized you had zoned out, too burnt out on paperwork to properly think anymore. "I think I just need a break." You say with a sigh, leaning back in your chair to pop your back and stretch your shoulders.

Spencer hummed, never once taking his eyes off you. For a split second, you could have sworn his eyes darted to the exposed sliver of skin that was revealed when your shirt rode up. But that flicker of something was gone so fast you figured you imagined it.

"I can help with that."

Spencer stands and holds his hand out to you. You take it, relishing in the way his soft hands slotted with yours, your callouses from the government-issued gun matched his. In that moment you could think about anything else other than how perfectly he fit with you.

Spencer led you through headquarters, pulling you down the hallway and into the breakroom. You said nothing as you curiously watched him gather some snacks and two bottles of water, content to wait until he revealed his plans.

You were pulled into an elevator and then up a flight of stairs until you were staining alone with Spencer on the roof of the building. The cool spring air was cold enough to keep you from overheating when Spencer looked over his shoulder and sent you the most brilliant smile you'd ever seen.

Finally done with the suspense, though you suppose you were weak enough to let him lead you across the world without a word, you speak up. "What are we doing, Spence?" You couldn't help the laughter that laced your words, too excited, happy, and infatuated to do anything else.

"Do you trust me?"

"Of course, I do. What kind of question is that?"

"Then just let me take care of you."

That shut you up real quick. Spencer let go of your hand in favor of walking further onto the roof. He squatted down, placing the snacks and water on the ground before waving you over. You obliged, bending down to sit next to him.

"Wait!" He says suddenly, stopping you mid-bend. Before you can question him, he shucks off his blazer and lays it beside him. With a pat, he motions you to sit. "There."

"I can't sit on your jacket, you need it."

"Just sit, please?"

You roll your eyes, the action only done to stop yourself from shouting from the rooftop that you were completely and undeniably in love with this man. "Okay."

Once you were sat down, Spencer pulled something out of his pocket. It was a small, blue MP3 player wrapped up in earbuds. He untangles the wires and turns on the devices, clicking down a list before he settles on a song. With one earbud in his ear, he holds the other out to you.

"Spencer..." You were speechless. Not only did he remember your preferred method of decompression, but he also curated an environment for you to do so. To say you were head over heels was an understatement.

"Don't talk, just listen."

You lay down, Spencer following suit with his arms crossed behind his head, and tune into the melody that started playing.

It was a song you knew from the first beat. An old song, something your grandmother listened to all the time. It started slow, with Elvis's deep voice starting the beginning verse.

Did he know that this was one of the most famous love songs ever written? Of course he did, he's a very smart man, and the lyrics were tooth rottingly sweet. But did he know the connotation of sharing a song like this with someone? Knowing Spencer, probably not.

Spencer meant for you to relax, to take a break from the pile of paperwork on your desk, not spiral into a void of overthinking. You couldn't help it though. Your gut told you that Spencer was trying to tell you something, with the touches and the glances and the eye contact. This should have been the nail in the coffin for your theory. But why would someone as unique and extraordinary as him, reciprocate the feelings of someone so mundane and ordinary in comparison?

A weight on your hand draws you out of your reverie, pulling your attention to the soft touch of Spencer. You turn to him, only to find him already looking at you. The heavy emotion in his gaze floored you, swirling pools of admiration and affection that made his sparkling brown eyes so much deeper- so much more intense.

You were shoulder to shoulder, the soft midday breeze cooling your rapidly heating cheeks. The two of you say nothing, only staring at each other with unending affection. Elvis's voice fades into a lovely classical number and Spencer turns on his side and props himself up on his elbow. He was leaning over you now, his eyes flickering back and forth from your lips to your eyes and back again.

You were frozen to the spot, unable to move for fear of disrupting the very real feeling daydream. But the warmth of Spencer as he leaned in ever so slowly- as if he were giving you time to pull away- reminded you that this was reality and not a figment of your imagination.

"Is this okay?" He whispers, lips a hair's breadth from your awaiting lips.

Instead of responding with words, you grab the collar of his shirt with shaky hands and pull him to you. His lips were as soft and inviting as you imagined them to be. Spencer was still for a second, the two of you not moving an inch, but after the brief surprise bled into excitement, he wrapped a hand around your waist and pulled you closer.

He angled his head to the side, allowing his lips to slot against yours like they were made for each other. Your hands found solace on his shoulders, gripping them for dear life as the two of you part for air.

Spencer leaned his forehead against yours, breath erratic as he let out a disbelieving chuckle. You drew your hand up, tracing his shoulder and neck until you were cradling his cheek. You couldn't find the words to express how you felt in that moment, too caught up in everything that was Spencer.

You pull him back to you, wrapping your arms around him and tangling your fingers in his hair. Spencer let out a soft groan, meeting your lips with equal fervor. You were pressed tighter against him, like Spencer couldn't get close enough to you.

It felt like you were floating, your body weightless and heavy all at the same time. Your skin was burning from where he touched you, blazing trails drawing patterns across your waist and back. Every time one of you pulled back, the other only allowed a breath or two before you were joined again.

"I can't believe this..." Spencer murmured against your lips like he was too afraid to part for even a second.

"Believe what?" Just so you could pull air into your lungs, you parted and pressed your forehead against his.

"That you like me back."

"How could I not like you back?"

Spencer's eyes went from firey and passionate to vulnerable in a split second. You hated that he had such low self-esteem when it came to love and attraction. Instead of allowing him to stew on whatever ridiculous reasons his harsh brain could come up with, you lean in and kiss his worries away.

[morganakang444]

𝑑𝘰𝑛‘𝘵 ℎ𝑎𝘵𝑒 𝘵ℎ𝑒 𝑝𝑙𝑎𝑦𝑒𝑟 || 𝑙𝑒𝑒 ℎ𝑒𝑒𝑠𝑒𝑢𝑛𝑔 (𝑝𝘵 2) ౨ৎ

꒰ ꒱ྀི lee heeseung x fem!reader

☆゙ ↳ main masterlist

☆゙ ↳ prev | next

☆゙ ↳ synopsis: you don‘t want me? fine. the two of us can play that game.

the heartthrob of the campus had finally set his eyes on y/n. she was going to be his next victim, to fall for him and assume she can fix him moments before she finds herself ghosted. but y/n knew all too well…too bad she only captures heeseung‘s heart after beating him at his own game. that’s when she learns: don’t hate the player. hate the game.

☆゙ ↳ wc: 3828

☆゙ ↳ genre/warnings: a lil smutty again (y/n touches herself lol), cursing, maybe a bit rushed (?), y/n is still a virgin and heeseung is turning into a simp lwk, drinking, partying, mentions of sex, if i missed anything lmk!!

☆゙ ↳ an: i‘m super nervous to post this because i‘m rlly hoping it lives up to part one!! (i am scared that is my peak if u can‘t tell.) i‘ve had most of this written already so this is why it came so fast. part three will be taking a little while lol also i had to mention the nostalgic jackson wang party!!

in the car, karina basically dragged y/n into the passenger seat, a concerned look on her face. "are you okay?? hee didn’t give me any time to ask what happ—"

y/n waved her hand, signaling karina to stop talking. "i‘m fine. i was just getting harassed by some guy and heeseung helped me out." she placed her hand down, a smirk forming on y/n‘s face. "but your plan worked quicker than i thought it would—heeseung admitted to wanting me. and it was a real, raw, just—genuine thing that came from his mouth." y/n chuckled. "pretty soon i‘ll have to leave him hanging." she smiled, satisfied.

karina‘s mouth was agape in disbelief, blinking at y/n‘s words. "this fast? i knew playing hard to get was the best shot," karina snickered, nudging y/n‘s shoulder before starting up her car.

and as they started driving y/n remembered who karina was with before coming here; yunjin.

"how‘s it going with yunjin?" y/n noticed karina‘s grip on the steering wheel tighten.

"i don’t even know if there is anything going on with yunnie. we‘re together and we fuck and talk or go to sleep a little together before one of us has to leave." she frowns.

"so…a situationship with your ex, hm?" y/n asks sympathetically.

karina only nods. "but i‘ll be over it soon. i‘ll meet another cute girl or maybe a nice, manly guy and i‘ll probably forget all about her."

but y/n knew karina too well—she could never forget about her girlfriend since junior year of high school. she placed her manicured hand on karina’s round shoulder.

"you love her, huh?"

karina gave y/n a saddened smile. "i think you know that answer…"

"let’s go shopping and get your mind off this, hm? we can go home after and order takeout and watch a movie, yeah?"

karina nods, grinning appreciatively at y/n.

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

sitting in their small dorm room, y/n‘s ipad was setup against a pillow on karina‘s bed. with blankets and pillows under them, on them, and all around them, karina and y/n sat against y/n‘s bed, a low, long, tv tray over their laps, snacks and food all over it, the girls picking up and eating whatever like it was a buffet—sushi, cheeseburger sliders, jellies, puddings, fried rice, mac n cheese, sodas, and pizza rolls on plates in front of them as their eyes were glued to '10 things i hate about you' playing on the tiny screen in front of them.

y/n was slurping down a jello cup when karina‘s phone pinged. she licked burger grease off her fingers before she wiped it on her old, oversized pajama shirt and picked up her phone.

"it‘s sunoo…he wants to know if you and i wanna come to jackson wang‘s party tomorrow night." karina says as she reads sunoo‘s message.

y/n thinks. "isn’t jackson the president of the frat he‘s in? is it going to be in the frat house?" she blinks.

karina nods. "yeah, it will be. i know you don’t like parties so we d—"

"let’s go." y/n smiles. "i never go out. and i don’t want you to stay home because of me."

karina raises a surprised brow. "you sure?"

y/n nods, sounding assured of her decision. "yeah. i wanna."

"okay, i‘ll tell sunoo.." karina smirks, happy her best friend was finally expanding her horizons.

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

all through that next day, y/n rushed through her classes, not paying much attention to anything at all—except for the wonders filling her mind about her first real party.

it was ridiculous—y/n felt like a high schooler all over again.

however, that whole day y/n hadn’t bumped into heeseung once. she felt a strange sense of disappointment swell up inside of her…but she didn’t know why. and as she shook that feeling off as her last class of the day ended, she darted home to get ready with karina tonight.

"pink…pink…or…pink! 'kay…" karina sighed, helping y/n choose an outfit for later tonight.

"what‘s wrong with pink, hm?" y/n teased, sitting on the edge of her bed.

"pink isn’t sexy…" karina pulls out a silk, baby pink mini dress with a thin, white trim around the end and around the v-neck cleavage. she narrowed her eyes, analyzing the article of clothing deeply.

"this can make due…" she speaks, fingers running the material of the slit on the dress intently.

"with what?" y/n tilts her head.

"those little white heels you have—the kitten heels that are open toed. anddd…" karina trails off, grabbing y/n‘s little jewelry holder hanging in her closet. "these little pearl earrings, and your thin little pearl necklace." karina holds up a matching set of tiny dangly pearl earrings and a necklace. she lays it out on y/n‘s bed, shoes going underneath on the floor.

"and we‘ll curl the ends of your hair…and keep the makeup light, but add some glitter, hm?" karina came close to y/n, touching all over her hair, fingers running through and eyes scanning over the girl‘s soft locks.

"yes ma‘am." y/n salutes with a playful smirk before standing up. karina gives y/n‘s ass a little smack, earning a small squeal from the girl who was soon laughing.

"now go shower, you stink." karina teased.

y/n playfully scoffed before grabbing her stuff and going to the dorm showers.

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

and even in the shower, y/n could only think of all the fun she was about to have as she stood under the warm water, feeling the warmness cascade down her body.

all the possibilities ran through her head—who would she dance with? would she get black out drunk and make out with someone? what if she slept with someone and lost her v card at a frat party?

y/n sighed, her mind trailing off to what it‘d feel like to finally have sex for the first time. how it‘d feel to have a man hold her close and slide in and out of her tight heat as he moaned her name with each thrust. how a man would leave a trail of hickeys down her neck and breasts as he fingered her, curling his digits inside of her warm, wet pussy, hitting the sweet spot inside of her that made her see stars.

y/n sighed in frustration, leaning her head back against the cold shower tile wall, one of the rare moments of arousal taking over her system, flowing through her veins so sweetly, making her pussy start to drip.

swallowing in defeat, y/n‘s hand traveled down, inching closer and closer to her core, the soft pads of her fingers finding her aching clit, rubbing it in tight little circles, her mouth forming an 'o' shape as her back arched off the tile wall in pleasure. y/n‘s eyes fluttered shut as small sighs left her lips, her fingers moving in a faster rhythm, her mind swarmed with thoughts of being fucked…the feeling of a hand wrapped around her throat as she was pounded into—y/n was never thinking of a specific person, to be honest. in her imagination, the man fucking her didn’t exactly have a face, (but did have a banging bod.) until her hands were moving faster and rougher over her clit, rubbing the swollen nub as she got closer and closer to her peak, her breathy moans echoing off the shower walls…and in her mind there was finally a face. one so unexpected she suddenly pulled back her hand, ripping her orgasm away from herself as her eyes flew open in shock.

why the fuck did lee heeseung‘s face appear in her mind??

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

after her shower, y/n could only stare into her own eyes through the bathroom mirror, a mix of disgust and confusion welling up inside of her.

she combed her wet hair before putting it up in a clawclip, slipping her white towel off her freshly washed and shaved body. she sighed, shuffling her playlist as she applied her skincare to her baby soft face.

all she could think about as she rubbed in her expensive serums and moisturisers was why? why did she have to think about heeseung of all people?

she wasn’t even attracted to him like that—but all y/n could do was brush it off as the fact that it was a mere flashback to the night two weeks ago that left heeseung hanging. she wouldn‘t cave in now. but heeseung was right about one thing.

y/n‘s hands were not doing the job right.

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

"y/n! are you ready?" karina called from right outside their shared dorm room, coming back from the bathroom down the hall.

"yeah…" y/n reluctantly spoke, not too sure if she liked her appearance or not. she was standing in front of her full length mirror propped against her bed, looking at her body from all angles.

karina slowly walked inside, a dramatic gasp leaving her lips as she covered her mouth, staring at y/n.

"you look so hot, y/nnie!!" she squealed, coming up behind her best friend, hugging her from behind and resting her chin on the crook of y/n‘s smooth shoulder.

"you‘re so beautiful." karina smiles affectionately, her tiny purple dress touching y/n‘s. and y/n did look beautiful. her curves were perfectly accentuated by her little pink dress, her soft shoulders on full display thanks to the thin spaghetti straps. her white kitten heels showed off her freshly painted pink toenails, her moisturised skin glowing naturally.

y/n smiled softly, locking eyes with karina. "you really think so?"

karina nods. "the most."

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

it was a short drive to the s.a.e frat house which was already crowded by 11pm. y/n nervously stepped out of karina‘s car, a shaky sigh exiting her glossed lips. taking note of y/n‘s nervousness, karina reached her hand out and took y/n‘s, giving her a reassuring squeeze and a matching smile.

"don’t be scared. this‘ll be fun!" karina pulled y/n inside the huge house, the blaring music growing louder once they stepped closer and closer inside.

upon entry in the dimly lit house, it seemed like everyone from uni was there. the only lighting was shitty leds that could barely illuminate anything, and there were people making out or grinding on each other to the music in every corner of at least four rooms. y/n adverted her gaze, not wanting to feel like she was watching a live action porno about to unfold.

following karina through the crowd, y/n kept her head low, not exactly wanting to draw any attention to herself. this wasn’t really the first party moment she was imagining.

"wanna take a shot?" karina asks, now in the kitchen where the liquor was stored. y/n shakes her head. "one of us has to drive." she laughs dryly, earning a shrug from her best friend. "and that will be you," karina says in a lively manner before downing a shot. she slammed the tiny glass down on the white counter, her face contorting into disgust and eyes squeezing shut.

"fuck, that’s strong…" karina exhales, her matte lips forming an 'o' shape. y/n could smell the alcohol on karina‘s breath, making y/n slightly nauseas.

karina opened her eyes, and looked around. just then, her dark brown eyes landed on a familiar figure with shoulder length red hair and a tiny black dress. karina could tell right away it was the love of her life, huh yunjin.

"there she is, y/n…" karina holds y/n‘s arm, making her look towards yunjin‘s direction, her slender, black polished finger pointed directly to the redhead.

"call her over," spoke y/n encouragingly, trying to calm down the dark haired girl.

"what if she doesn’t want to? what if she doesn’t want to see me in public? what if s—"

y/n rolled her eyes, cutting off karina‘s nervous string of rambles, hollering yunjin‘s name, making her look at the pair. karina shyly hid behind y/n as if the girl were her shield. and as y/n motioned for yunjin to come over, karina lightly smacked y/n‘s bare arm. "what are you doing?" karina whisper yelled, unaware her ex girlfriend was making her way over to them right now.

without a word, y/n dragged karina out from behind her frame. karina stumbled, practically getting shoved into yunjin.

"umm…hi…" karina shyly spoke, adverting eye contact in contrast to her confident ex who stood in front of her.

"oh don’t act like you don’t know me…" yunjin teased, sipping out of her red solo cup as she tucked a strand of karina‘s long, curled hair behind her earring plated ear.

"wanna hang with us? we‘ve both missed you. i know she‘s seen a lot of you lately," y/n started, touching karina‘s shoulder, "but i haven’t." she playfully pouted.

yunjin smirks, softly chuckling.

"yeah, i don’t have anyone else to see." she came closer to karina, a look of enjoyment on her face at making the younger girl nervous.

y/n smiled at karina, knowing her little scheme has worked.

karina grabbed another shot, downing it quickly to subdue her nerves.

"um…wanna dance?" karina asks, her gaze falling on and off of yunjin.

"sure. i‘m always down to dance with you, rina." yunjin grabbed karina‘s hand. "you coming y/n?"

y/n shook her head. "i‘m okay, i‘ll join later—you two should get your time alone."

and with that, yunjin took karina to some other room, leaving y/n alone in the kitchen.

y/n made her rounds, talked to some people from her classes and danced a little with some guy…but she grew bored and craved time with her best friend.

"karina!" y/n called out, walking around the party. moving past people, mumbling 'sorry' and 'excuse me' a few times, her pale eyes darted around, in search for karina or at least yunjin.

but to no avail, y/n grew worried once she reached upstairs and walked in every bedroom, six out of nine containing people having sex—and karina nor yunjin were in none of them.

with an exasperated sigh, y/n pulled out her phone, looking for someone—anyone to call. and her eyes fell on one contact. heeseung.

y/n could call anyone else—annie from history class was here, her friend robin, even joshua would have come to help her. but for some reason, she really wanted to call heeseung…

pressing the contact name, she hit the call option, sighing shakily as she put her phone up to her ear, leaning up against an upstairs wall.

"hello?" y/n heard heeseung‘s voice through the line after a few rings, and faint music in the back. the same music as the party—was he here? probably. everyone else was.

"heeseung? it’s y/n…i need you…" she said with a defeated tone, laced with desperation.

"ahh, finally come to your senses, huh? but i wanna take you out first. i don’t want you to be just a hook u—"

"no, heeseung! not like that!" y/n placed her hand on her head, growing irritated. "i lost karina and yunjin. i‘m upstairs…can you help me out?"

heeseung chuckled. "on my way."

y/n hung up, placing her hands on her face as she crouched against a wall, waiting for her knight and shining armor.

within a few minutes, a hand tapped y/n‘s shoulder, and she looked up to see the person she needed most right now. she flashed a smile of relief, taking heeseung‘s extended hand and pulled herself up.

"thank you, heeseung…" she mumbled, fixing her dress.

heeseung‘s eyes trailed y/n‘s figure up and down…but not with the usual lust in his heart and eyes like he felt with other girls. there was warmth spreading through him like a flower slowly blossoming. something more of affection coursed through his veins. he could only think of her as beautiful—alluring, even instead of sexy. in this moment he would rather have held her in his arms and stroked her hair as she fell asleep instead of fucking her. and that was unusual for him.

"yeah, yeah…come on. i‘ll take you home. you sober?"

y/n nodded. "i was supposed to take the girls home."

heeseung led the girl downstairs and past the crowd, out to his car.

"i‘m glad you chose to call me…" he smiles, opening the passenger door for y/n.

y/n looked down bashfully as she got in, waiting for heeseung to get in the driver‘s seat before replying.

"i guess i figured i could count on you." she replied, putting on her seatbelt.

heeseung looked at y/n affectionately. "that means a lot to hear, you know."

and in that moment of vulnerability, both of them could have seen the truth hidden behind their eyes. the deep meaning sodden with verity. even if neither of them wanted to admit it.

but y/n only looked away. she nodded slowly, biting the inside of her lip to hold back a small smile that was about to form on her lips.

heeseung could only smirk a bit at her shy reaction, not used to her being such a timid little thing.

and with that he drove, both of his hands on the wheel. glancing towards y/n, he saw her delicate hand resting on the console between them, her attention looking out the window towards the night lit sky, and the city around them illuminated by a cascade of lights.

but heeseung was bold. when he looked at y/n, he no longer saw some girl he was chasing. he no longer saw a target to be shot at and claimed. but he didn‘t know why. he didn‘t know what this feeling he held for her exactly was…love? a twisted type of lust?

he carefully brushed his big hand against her own, giving her a chance to pull away if she didn’t want this. when she didn’t, heeseung intertwined his fingers with hers, caressing her knuckle with his thumb.

heeseung didn‘t know why he wanted to hold y/n‘s hand. he could only tell himself this was the next step to getting y/n in his bed. but as heeseung‘s gaze flickered over to the h/c girl beside him, he couldn’t shake the feeling he wanted more than a quick fuck with her. in this moment, he would rather stay like this with her, her tinier hand enveloped in his warm one, her tired frame gazing out the window towards the stars in front of them.

but heeseung could never admit to real feelings for a woman. especially one who left him so humiliated those couple of weeks ago in his dorm room.

the rest of the car ride was of pure silence—the comfortable one, though. the feeling of heeseung‘s calloused thumb contrasting y/n‘s smooth hand set aside her nerves until they got back to her dorm.

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

"you know…i meant what i said over the phone.." heeseung said as the pair approached y/n‘s dorm room, looking down towards his feet before his gaze met y/n‘s.

y/n leaned against her dormitory door, her eyes squinting slightly in confusion. "what did you say..?"

heeseung smirked slightly, leaning his arm against the metal doorframe, towering over y/n. "when i said i wanted to take you out." his smirk turned into a smile of tenderness, letting her feel just how much he meant it.

"oh really?" y/n teased. "i thought you didn’t do dating.." she licked her lips, holding back a satisfied smile.

"nah..i don’t. but there’s something about you that makes me want to." heeseung tucked a strand of hair behind y/n‘s ear. "and i‘d like to figure out why.."

"okay." y/n shrugged. "then take me out. surprise me." she smiled a bit, leaning forward.

heeseung‘s hand traveled up to cup y/n‘s soft, unblemished cheek as he nodded, running the pad of his thumb over her skin.

"whatever you want, my girl.." his words were soft, and his eyes looked around y/n‘s face, his head coming closer to hers. "can..can i.." his words trailed off, but the intention was hung in the air.

y/n didn’t answer, instead she pressed her fingers to the boy‘s lips as he leaned in, biting her lip slightly, her smirk teasing as ever. as much as she was starting to like heeseung, as much as she would love to brush her lips against his in a fiery blaze if passion, she didn‘t. she needed to stay true to herself and her bet with karina. where was the fun in giving in now?

"nuh uh uh…" y/n taunted, tapping his lips with her manicured finger in rhythm with her coos. "i don’t kiss before a first date, heeseung." y/n licked her glossed lips, looking heeseung up and down in satisfaction, knowing she had him right where she wanted him as he let out a frustrated sigh onto her fingers.

"you‘re not slick if you think taking me on a date will help you get into my pants…" y/n tutted, crossing her arms.

heeseung only snickered, leaning slightly back from y/n.

"fine. i‘ll take you out, and i won’t fuck you. how about that? i‘ll show you just how serious i am okay?" heeseung smiled almost cockily, hiding the desperation behind his voice, wanting her to accept his plea.

y/n bit her lip ever so slightly, looking heeseung up and down provokingly. she shrugged. "sure. i‘ll go out with you." she spoke nonchalantly, a small smile of pride forming on her face as heeseung‘s ego deflated, and he let out a small "yes!" whisper, quickly clearing his throat and regaining his composure. "uh, okay, yeah. cool. can’t wait to see you y/n…" heeseung grinned. "how does this saturday sound?" heeseung swallowed, revealing the anticipation building up inside of him.

"sounds perfect," said y/n confidently, nudging heeseung away from her.

"now if you excuse me, i’m sleepy." y/n yawned, grabbing her keys from her mini purse and starting to unlock her door. "goodnight, heeseung…" she smiled sleepily.

"goodnight, pretty girl.." heeseung whispered. "i‘ll call you tomorrow." he planted a chaste kiss to y/n‘s smooth unblemished cheek before sauntering off down the hall.

as y/n entered her dorm and got herself unready as she shuffled her main playlist. she could only sigh every so often, wondering what heeseung’s true intent behind this date was. she couldn’t figure out why it mattered so much to her if she was being played right back—was it her ego being too big, not wanting to be toyed with the same way she was toying him? or was it because she thought she was seeing through some sort of act with his excitement and affection. but the deeper y/n thought about it, she didn’t sense any deception on heeseung‘s end. everything about him was so…genuine in a sense. but y/n has dealt with boys like this in the past, who thought they could hit and quit her—and when she rejected their advances she was met with a blocked number the next morning. however the difference between those boys in high school and lee heeseung is that he doesn’t give up that easy.

and for y/n, the real game was just about to start.

｡𖦹°‧ taglist:

@tsukikourito

@lannadray

@mheretoreadff

@yohanabanana

@cloud-lyy

@heeheelee

@girlwholovekpop

@invsomnixa1

(if ur tags are not working pls lmk ᝰ.ᐟ)

[putschki1969]

Kalafina Anniversary Live 2025 Report

It's finally here, sorry for the long wait!! Let me share some overall thoughts first( ^_^)/~~~

Venue: Probably the newest and fanciest venue I‘ve ever been to. Loved all the screens with Kalafina visuals. They had them across the entire area, some bigger, some smaller and a really big one in front of the venue itself. The theater appeared to be a bit intimidating at first glance but I actually appreciated the layout, I feel like you got to have a pretty decent view from most places, even in the upper balconies.

Collaboration events: This one was somewhat of a fail for me. Originally, I wasn’t too impressed with most of the collaboration food but I was still eager to get it, especially the stuff that was wrapped nicely. The chocolates looked lovely but they were already sold out when I arrived at 11:00 on the 15th.🥲Was also planning to get the katsu sandwich in the Kalafina packaging but that was sold out as well. Not afraid to admit that I cried a little when I realised I woudn't be able to get them...I did get one of those gorgeous tray sheets at Taco Bell at least🙌 Managed to secure one of those tiny photo cards too but meh, honestly nothing to write home about. Gave me the opportunity to write something on the message board though so that’s a good thing 👍 The whole gacha situation was a challenge to say the least. So exhausting! I got a numbered ticket (#127) for the queue so I could start lining up at 13:30 (was actually one of the first people to enter). This worked out pretty smoothly and everyone was able to enter earlier than expected. At first I was lining up in the wrong queue because they were telling people they had to go through the on-site merch sale area first. Thankfully, a staff member came over and guided me and some others to the direct queue (after all, I wasn’t planning to buy any merch since I had already made my reservation). My first gacha round didn’t take too long since most people were still busy buying merch and there were a total of ten machines (also had prepared my 500 yen coins the day before so I didn't have to line up to change my money). I was moderately lucky but didn’t get some of the items I wanted🙃 So after I picked up my live goods during my assigned time slot, I got back in the queue to do a second gacha round😅. This time the wait was long, probably an hour or so. Also, 10,000 yen just gone☠️Thanks to @concretebadger and my super kind friend, I managed to get the complete set! BANZAI🤗 I also got two lovely tokutens for participating in the big flower stand project (a postcard and badge of the drawing). Almost didn't get to meet up with the organisers of the project but thankfully I ran into them right before the start of the show (generally, I find it fascinating how many people I managed to run into despite the sheer amount of people at the venue - thanks to everyone who said 'hi').

Seat: I really liked my seat and am glad I went for the balcony area. Had a completely unobstructed view of the stage🥰It was a little further away of course but I did bring my binoculars so it was fine.👍 In my vicinity people were thankfully not very keen to stand up all the time so I had one less thing to worry about. The screens on the side were also a perfect size to see their facial expressions. The people in charge of the projections made sure to include a lot of close-ups 😍 Bless them!

Sound: Maybe it was just my specific location towards the left side on the balcony but the sound system was a bit off I think, or possibly the manipulator did a horrible job with the mixing? How did everyone else feel about this? The background music was often overly loud (if not to say obnoxiously noisy) and drowned out the vocals. During some parts, it was honestly hard to hear the girls among all the other noises. It was much better during songs that had a more simple or acoustic arrangement. The microphones seemed to have some issues too at times because there were a few distortions (?) which made their voices sound different (?) and occasionally, you just couldn’t hear them singing the beginning of certain lines - this could theoretically be chalked up to them being hesitant and starting too quiet (Wakana does that at times) but it happened a little too often to all three of them which is why I‘m assuming there might have been some technical issues.

Vocals: What are seven years? Nothing! It was like no time had passed at all! Some people may disagree but for the most part, the girls sounded amazing to me! I thoroughly enjoyed myself and very rarely heard notes that made me cringe. I was amazed how they managed to just pick up where they left off. Of course there were parts that were less flattering and they had some of their usual hiccups but I feel like they handled everything pretty well. Have they done better and more polished live renditions of some of these songs in the past? Probably (tho there were some stand-out performances that impressed me more than their old versions). Overall, there was clearly a lot of effort and love put into each and every performance and at the end of the day, that's all that counts for me. They didn’t “phone-in” their singing, they put all their heart into it and you could tell. I even liked songs that I am usually not such a huge fan of (e.g. “ring your bell” and “ Alleluia”). Also, say what you will but there’s a huge contrast between the YKL Kalafina covers and the real thing, it’s almost jarring how different they sound so I particularly appreciated performances of the songs that had previously been covered at YKL. Needless to say, I much prefer the real thing! It's just not the same without Wakana and I must say, Wakana delivered solid vocals during most songs that required those super high and long notes. Hikaru also did a great job and sounded powerful throughout most of the setlist. She was getting visibly tired though towards the end of the up-beat section (Wakana on the other hand surprised me with her stamina). As for Keiko, do I even have to say it? She delivered a fabulous performance as one would expect from her. She nailed all her epic long notes (e.g. “Hyakka Ryouran”, “Kyrie”, “Hikaru Furu” - she sounded better than she did during the 10th Anniversary Live if you ask me)

Production & arrangement: Honestly nothing special or outstanding. They kept it simple and remained faithful to Kalafina’s usual M.O. The focus was on their voices and there wasn’t anything extravagant to distract from that. On the contrary, I feel like there was a conscious effort being made to include more acappella parts to highlight their harmony. With the exception of a few instrumentals and solos, I don’t think Satoshi Takebe added a lot of creative twists to change the original sound. He even mentioned in a tweet that he wanted to pay tribute to Yuki Kajiura’s work, stay true to her music/style and not make it his own or anything. On this note, I would like to add that YK's absence was not really an issue. As I have mentioned a few times already, YK has rarely been an integral part of their live productions so her not being in charge of this concert, has done nothing to affect its quality.

Atmosphere: 1000/10. The girls were in such a good mood and determined to make this concert the best experience ever. It really felt like they had never been apart. Their interactions with each other were heart-felt and didn’t come across as staged or forced. You could tell how much they missed performing together. The audience was also super responsive and everyone seemed to have the time of their lives (myself included of course).

Setlist: Admittedly, it wasn’t what I had hoped for but it was pretty much what I had expected from this sort of live so I can’t be mad. And there were a few really pleasant surprises that I didn’t think they would include (“Hanataba”, “Lacrimosa”, “Kyrie” and “Hyakka Ryouran”) so YAY for that. Also beyond happy that they did an acoustic version of “sprinter” because that’s so much better than the studio version (which I typically don’t like). Same goes for "KnGnN". Check out a detailed report below the cut 〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→

1 oblivious: I knew it was coming and it’s usually not a song I’m particularly fond of but this performance may have been the best one I’ve ever heard (biased opinion but hey, you can’t blame me for that😅). The song kicked me right in the feels! Or maybe it was just like a dream come true to hear/see them together again! When they appeared on stage, they looked like angels. What a revelation to see them in all their glory once the sheer curtain was dropped. They sounded amazing, absolutely breathtaking! Was impressed by everyone’s vocals. Shout-out to Hikaru for her high notes! For a few lines in the beginning, Wakana didn’t quite sound like herself (the distortion I was talking about earlier?) but I am not sure if it was a lowered pitch or something the manipulator did on purpose to smooth out her voice. It sounded okay and wasn’t too distracting so I didn’t mind it. Later on, her voice sounded like it usually did during “oblivious” so maybe it was just a glitch or whatever. When Wakana and Keiko did their little back-and-forth duet thingy, I almost started crying because I had missed them so much. WaKei FOREVER 🤗

2 Kizuato: A bit bummed that they didn’t perform “Kimi ga Hikari ni Kaete Iku” (then again, I might have died instantly so it was probably a good thing) but this was a beautiful performance so I can’t complain. The three of them once again sounded amazing and their harmonies were to die for.

3 Mirai: Typically one of their weaker live performances and this was no exception. But really, it’s about getting that connection with the audience, running around on stage, greeting the audience and having fun. I don’t mind if it’s not polished and I usually don’t even pay attention to that during this song.

4 Hikari no Senritsu: Felt a bit all over the place so I wasn’t quite able to get into it. The music was overbearing at times and it took away from the charm of a few individual lines. I expected to be touched by the performance since Keiko had been going on and on about how this was her favourite song to sing together but I didn’t have a particularly strong reaction to it. To be fair though, it has never been one of my favourite songs so that might have been the reason for my rather lukewarm reaction. An interesting cello solo from Masateru spiced things up a little but otherwise, there weren’t any significant changes.

5 storia: For this one, I always keep my expectations low regarding vocals because I know it’s a hit and miss when it comes to Wakana and Hikaru. It’s been like this forever so I’m not surprised to hear them struggling at times. Nevertheless, this is a song I have always enjoyed so I can easily look past minor issues. As expected, the girls did struggle a bit (Hikaru in particular didn't deliver the most flattering performance) but it was totally fine. That final chorus once again caught me right in the feels, especially the WaKei part🥹Both the YKL cover and Wakana's solo cover are still fresh in my mind so to finally hear the song as it is meant to be, feels like such a blessing.

6 ring your bell: The piano intro was a bit misleading and for a couple seconds there, I seriously thought they would be introducing a brand new song 😅 It was a nice touch though, I do enjoy intros like that (probably Takebe's idea). Surprisingly, I liked this performance more than I thought I would. I usually give this one a pass because I don't care for the unflattering vocals. I've never understood why it keeps getting performed when it is such a challenging song. But this time, I honestly enjoyed almost all of it (especially Wakana's parts at the end- she did a great job here). Those YK cover versions pale in comparison if you ask me.

7 Hanataba: What a surprise! 😮 Possibly one of their best (if not the best) performances of the night. Usually not a fan of the accordion but here I didn’t mind it. They made some minor changes to the arrangement to highlight the accordion and the vocals. The girls were on fire, especially Hikaru. You could tell she was happy that her chosen song made it onto the setlist.

8 Lacrimosa: From one surprise to another. I was actually expecting them to sing “Consolation” at this point because according to the previous MC, this was meant to be their “Consolation” album block. Would have been happier with “Consolation” to be honest but “Lacrimosa” was a nice treat too. The background music was quite loud again so some vocal parts weren’t discernible or got overshadowed by other stuff.

9 Manten: I don't remember much from it so it must not have stood out to me.

10 to the beginning: Never liked it but this time, I had a blast. A fantastic performance with so much energy and love put into it. The audience went crazy of course so that was also fun to watch. While I personally do not stand up for songs and categorically refuse to partake in any weird arm movements (clapping is the most I will do), I still think it's nice to see everyone so invested.

11 Kimi no Gin no Niwa with strings: This was beautiful. Just strings and piano, might have been my favourite rendition of all time (and I am usually not even such a huge fan of the song). Quite a few more acappella lines than usual I think. Gorgeous arrangement.

12 sprinter with strings: What can I say? Perfect. No notes. Tears everywhere. So glad they decided to go for an acoustic version (by now we all know how much I dislike the studio version). It wasn't as emotional as that Arena Live encore performance but for me, it came pretty close.

13 Hyakka Ryouran: Became a big fan after the 10th Anniversary performance. Didn't expect them to include it once again in the setlist but I certainly didn't mind. This one was just as solid I would say although I feel like Keiko was actually a bit stronger here than she was back then, especially during her "yaiba".

14 misterioso: Meh, one of my least favourite Kala-songs but coincidentally, one of their most frequently performed tracks. I have always wondered why but I guess there are a lot of people who love it (especially in the anisong community). Wasn't really into it so I don't remember anything significant.

15 One Light: Super happy about it. A perfect candidate for their up-beat corner and really a true banger. Don't think there has ever been a bad performance of this, they always slay. I believe they missed the mark a little on that moment where they all come together to raise their arms right before the climax. It felt a little rushed so the cameras for the screen didn't capture it properly XD (it was probably fine for those in the front rows who could see every detail up-close). Either way, the audience erupted into cheers when Hikaru did her infamous "yukeru" kneel.

16 Kyrie: Wooohoo, one of my favourite Kala-songs so I am always excited to hear it performed live. Certainly a surprise though because I didn't think it would be chosen for their Anniversary Live setlist. The audio was pretty messy during this one and I was sad to hear that Keiko's drawn out "Kyrie" at the end didn't get as much attention as it deserved.

17 Ongaku: It started out a little weird in a slightly different tempo than I am used to (at least I think so?). It was a minor thing but big enough to distract me a little for a minute or so. Keiko slayed though and Super!Wakana knocked it out of the park (loved how Keiko held her hand when she helped her walk up the stairs for the solo)

18 heavenly blue: A long-ass up-beat section comes to an end with another banger. After this one, Keiko even said that this was one of their most challenging corners they ever did. It's always fun when Keiko asks the audience after "Ongaku" if we can handle yet another up-beat song (of course we can!) and they transition right into either "Signal" or "heavenly blue" (pretty much their go-to songs for an epic ending). I do love "heavenly blue" so I am happy they included it. The background vocals during the bridge were a little too loud for my taste so you couldn't hear the girls properly (the bridge is one of my favourite parts of the song).

19 Alleluia: There was no doubt in my mind that they would either finish the main section or the entire concert with this song. Didn't expect to love the performance as much as I did. Usually not the biggest fan of the song since Wakana's parts are not particularly flattering for her and even Keiko tends to get a little shouty at times. But this time, I rally enjoyed the song and the minor issues didn't really register with me all that much. Guess I was just too deep into the emotions they were trying to convey.

En1 Magia: So glad they included this! I always thought it was a shame that it didn’t make it onto the 10th Anniversary setlist. We heard a lot of YK cover versions in the past couple of years (to a point where I was getting a little tired of the song) but this revived my love 😍 So good!! The guitar solo sounded weird to me and didn’t have a proper transition to Keiko’s bridge part but that might just be my personal perception. Maybe the guitar fans among you thought it was great😅Keiko’s solo also lacked a bit of oomph but I think it was her microphone’s fault 🙃Hikaru sounded a bit quiet too at times. Hopefully they can fix those minor issues with some studio magic before they do the TV broadcast.

En2 Hikari Furu: Another elaborate piano intro (different from the ones that Sakurada used to do) but this time it was pretty obvious they would sing "Hikari Furu" so I didn't have to guess. Unfortunately, the song sounded a little meh vocal-wise, certainly one of their messier live versions and overall, one of the least enjoyable performances of the night for me which is a huge shame because this is one of my all-time faves. Lots of things came together here so I can’t put the blame on a single factor. For some reason, their voices wouldn’t blend well together and both Wa and Hi had a few too many screechy moments. Wakana sounded almost hoarse when she started singing (maybe she got a little emotional?) and at the end she had some very noticeable shaking during her long notes (I know she has that a lot for her solo stuff too but I didn’t really notice it all that much in other songs from that night but here it was hard to ignore). The background music was also quite loud during the climax of the song so it didn’t exactly help to make it sound better. Keiko delivered an awesome "mabushii asa" though.

En3 into the world: Perfect ending to be honest and again, nothing beats this, not even a YKL cover (although I will say that I enjoy those too). It was kinda bittersweet though. Obviously this song is about taking new paths, not knowing what lies ahead. And really, this is what we have to deal with right now.

At this point, the future is blurry, no one knows what will happen to Kalafina. The girls didn’t even hint at any possible future activities. There was just an endless amount of appreciation for the past and present. Every time one of them thanked the fans for patiently waiting for Kalafina’s return, I couldn’t help but tear up a little. Yes, the wait was rough and I am sure many people lost hope along the way but I personally always knew we'd see them back together again. And when Wakana straight up broke into tears during an MC (with Keiko comforting her and shielding her from the cameras), I cried like a baby (especially when Wakana cried even harder and made Keiko tear up too) 🥲 All the pent-up emotion just came to the surface. Hikaru on the other was determined not to cry throughout the whole concert. They are too precious for this world!! I really hope they don't cut this moment from the broadcast (but knowing them, they probably will). For the time-being, I’ll just follow Keiko’s advice and continue listening to Kalafina and love them🥰Who knows, maybe one day…? I'll never give up hope and I don't think the girls will either. While she didn't outright say it, Keiko couldn't help but utter a few hopeful words, more like a prayer actually, "叶うならまた~/And if my wish would come true, maybe [we can do this/sing together] again~" It was an amazing concert, I had the time of my life and will treasure those memories forever. Thank you Kalafina!!

Cannot wait for the TV broadcast to experience all of this again and to relive every little detail. I should have written the report right away (or taken some extensive notes) when my memories were still fresh but my schedule for the following days was simply too busy. Now I'm back home and fighting against a jet-lag so the finer details are escaping me T_T (I feel like I am getting a few things mixed up and don't even know which things happened in which MC)

[greenleaf4stuff]

Of Convenience 9

(all previous parts of "Of Convenience")

Adar x Celebrimbor (silverscars) political marriage AU, 9th snippet. The evening before they plan to march on Eregion and fight Sauron, Adar and Celebrimbor share one last dinner together. The elf ponders his time with the uruk, and the two husbands share some reassurances. (There is some mildly alluded to/hinted Adar/Sauron and Celebrimbor/Sauron in this, but it can be read as either platonic or romantic imo.)

Remember how I mentioned that I'd write one of their meals if my muse let me? Yeah, have one extra part. As a treat. We are nearing the finish line, slowly but surely, and I am both excited and a lil anxious about it. At least it looks like I might actually get this thing finished, which is still mind-boggling to me. Enjoy!

They'd do it, tomorrow. It still felt surreal to even think it, but tomorrow, the joined armies of Adar and Gil-Galad would march onto Eregion together, demand entry, attack Sauron - and hopefully, free all of middle earth of the looming threat he posed to it.

Everyone had been tense, even downright restless, during the day. Galadriel hadn't been able to sit down during the last round of planning, Elrond had been lost in thought more than not, and Gil-Galad had taken to pinching his brow and twirling Vilya around his finger at times when before, he'd have avoided such obvious tells about his state of mind.

Even Celebrimbor had found himself wringing his hands and fiddling with a writing quill to the point that he'd accidentally frayed it, earlier in the day.

The only one who seemed to become more even-tempered instead of agitated was Adar. The smith had first noticed it when the uruk poured all of them something to drink; whereas Celebrimbor's own hands shook from nerves as he reached to take his cup, Adar held it out steadily for him.

The uruk wandered around the table in an almost leisurely pace, calmly recited the number of his troops or the amount of war machinery he possessed, and pointed out potential weak points of the city walls as well as how their alliance might safely breach them in case the city was truly lost to the Deceiver - all with nary a hint of emotion.

It was eye-opening, in a sense, to see how Adar appeared to thrive in a time that spelt dread for most others. The smith needed to mull this over, for a time, until he realized that this was likely due to how the uruk had lived most of their lives. Always prepared for a battle, for an attack, for aggression.

They knew war, understood war, even if they wished to avoid it when it came to Eregion. Most likely, they'd been forced into it by Morgoth. And then, after the fallen valar had been banished and Sauron temporarily defeated, they'd had to live it once more, when the other races of middle earth turned their backs instead of reaching out to them.

These and similar thoughts haunted Celebrimbor's mind as he and Adar sat down together for dinner later that day - the final one they would have together in this camp, before facing their enemy tomorrow.

As the elf watched Adar eat, looking almost completely unperturbed, while Celebrimbor merely picked at his own food. Mixed in with his worries, there was a sense of melancholy that demanded closer attention.

He hadn't been in the uruk camp for long, all things considered. A few weeks, at most. And yet, he had found a sense of normalcy here, between negotiations and exploring the camp with Glûg, tinkering at Gurlak's forge and having conversations with Adar. Especially the latter part.

The elf's feelings towards his husband had gone through rapid changes in those few weeks. From initial fear and distrust, to brief resignation, to hope, ease, curiosity. Mutual respect, a sense of camaderie, then companionship. 

Friendship.

Affection.

Something the smith couldn't - didn't dare to - name yet.

When Celebrimbor looked up again, hoping to catch another glance of his husband's face while the other focused wholly on his meal, the smith felt warm when he found that the uruk was already watching him instead.

There was a moment as Adar chewed and swallowed whatever he had been eating, before stared pointedly at Celebrimbor's plate. "Is the food not to your liking today?" A pause. "Or is something else the matter?"

The elf exhaled, long and loud, and felt his shoulders sink in defeat. He put aside his fork. His meal had surely gone cold by now, and he didn't feel able to stomach any more anyways. "The food is as good as always. I just find myself...distracted, today."

Adar hummed. "That is to be expected. I think all of us are having mixed feelings about tomorrow," he replied, and held Celebrimbor's gaze. "But remember it is not just a simple fight. It is the chance to save all of middle earth for generations to come - possibly even for good."

The elf nodded, and tried to will his face into a more hopeful expression, but it wouldn't obey him. There were a great many things that troubled him; some that had done so for weeks, some that recently started to keep his mind occupied. Now, they threatened to overwhelm him. "You are right. I should try and focus on the positive side of things. But I find it hard not to- have some lingering apprehension."

He found his own eyes had wandered the tent as the spoke, unable to focus on the uruk, and the smith had to consciously pull them back toward his husband. Who did, in fact, still watch him. Adar's eyes were intense, and it felt as if he could see all of Celebrimbor's doubts in that moment.

"You aren't feeling ready to face him tomorrow, aren't you?" the uruk asked.

Celebrimbor tensed in response - he had not expected the other to see his deepest fears and lay them out, bared to both their gaze in the space between them.

But the look in Adar's eyes was one of understanding, and his tone soft as he spoke, and so the smith felt safe enough to be honest with himself as well as his husband.

"No, I do not," he admitted, and heard his voice crack before he cleared his throat and sat up straighter. He balled his hands, which he had placed in his lap, into fists to stop them from shaking. "I fear what I will find, walking back into that city. What he might have done to it. To my forge, to my subjects. My apprentices, my - friends."

"But most of all, I am terrified of having to be so close to him again," his voice was small. "Of what he might do, how he might try and twist my own mind against me, my ambitions and my insecurities. What if he gets a hold of me again and I cannot resist him this time?" The question was directed at no one, but it was one that had kept him on his feet, twitchy and eager to occupy his mind with other things.

It was a deep-seated fear that had gnawed away at him, so insidious he hadn't even dared to admit it to himself until then. He'd tired to push it away for all those last weeks, at least until it became apparent that their negotiations would actually lead somewhere, as their alliance finally took shape.

He was startled from his thoughts when Adar spoke up. Still, his voice was soft. If he hadn't been under Morgoth's command and suffered whatever had scarred body, Celebrimbor suspected the other's singing voice might have rivalled the beauty and candence of Maglor himself.

"Back then, in the First Age, when I freed my children. I did not feel ready to face him either," Adar revealed.

The elf needed a moment to fully comprehend the words, and as he did, his eyes widened.

The uruk was still looking directly at Celebrimbor, but when the elf remained silent - too stunned to speak - Adar continued. He propped up his elbow and let the fingers of his gauntleted hand rub against one another as his face tilted to the right of him, a faraway look in his eyes.

"Back then, it had already been centuries, even millenia, that I had served in his master's ranks alongside him. Mairon, as he was still called back then, had been friend and foe alike, at least I thought so. I followed him and his master's lead, both because I thought there was no other way, and because I could not make myself leave even when I hoped to create another path to walk instead."

"Each time I threatened to falter, he managed to coax, plead or seduce me back into perfect loyalty. Even when they twisted and scarred my children, even during all the wars they made me wage for them. He told me it would all lead to a future where my children and I could be free. And I believed him."

"It was only when he began to sacrifice them in droves for his 'unseen world' project, when he grew the idea of subjecting all living things not just to his yoke, but his very thoughts, that something changed."

There was a long pause. Celebrimbor did not even dare breathe too loudly, much less move. He could not take his eyes off of Adar, who looked both so regal and so frail in that very moment.

"I could not bear the idea of losing any more of my children. Or any more of me. But even then- it was the most terrifying thought I'd ever had, and the most terrifying thing I had attempted. I still see myself killing him on the back of my eyelids during bad nights. And each time, I still feel the same fear as I did back then."

Finally, Adar looked at Celebrimbor again. The elf felt unmoored, as if he were floating, from the sheer depth of compassion he saw in those eyes. "Believe me when I tell you - I fear tomorrow the same as you do."

Celebrimbor swallowed, and felt his eyes cloud over a little, before he blinked the moisture away and looked down, trying to hide his reaction.

He heard Adar get up from his chair and walk over towards him, at which point the smith lifted his head in surprise. Adar was still watching him, but his look was changing from one of compassion to a different expression, one that the elf couldn't quite place-

The uruk sat down on his haunches next to Celebrimbor's chair, and placed his bare hand onto the elf's wrist. Warmth seeped through his robe and he felt as if it were spreading through across his whole body. It brought Celebrimbor back to himself, made him feel grounded and- safe.

"I did it for my children, back then," the uruk explained. "All you have told me, all that I have seen you do, made it clear to me that you too care about your people in such a way as I do mine. And look how far it has brought us. Few believed this alliance could be achieved, yet we did. Neither of us has to face him alone now."

"I did not falter when it mattered most, back then. I will not falter now. And neither will you. I am sure of it."

Celebrimbor could only describe the way he felt as 'thunderstruck'. The nagging voice in the back of his mind, his doubts, all of it seemed to fall away at Adar's words, the way he said them so confidently, with an assuredness that made the elf unable to even question, much less contradict him.

If Adar believed that they would succeed, then they would. There was no other option. Perhaps, the elf mused, this was part of why Adar was such a good leader to the uruk.

When Celebrimbor didn't speak, Adar lightly squeezed his wrist. This, of all things, helped Celebrimbor regain his speech with a slight jolt. The warmth of their contact continued to spread through him. Yes, this- this was definitely affection he was feeling. Fondness.

"I do not just fear for my own people," the elf replied, voice still quiet. "I fear for yours as well. I have made...friends, among them. Glûg, and Gurlak. I know Glûg has a wife and child. Gurlak has apprentices like I had- have, in Eregion."

At that, a light quirk stole itself onto Adar's lips. The elf felt his gaze being drawn to the motion. Whenever Adar smiled, even just a little, it seemed to transform his whole face.

"And I am pleased that you have. As I said. I did not think it could be done, a friendship between elves and uruk. I am glad you helped prove me wrong - and everyone else, too."

Celebrimbor tried to say more, even as his words threatened to flee him again, but Adar was too quick for him to do so as the uruk got up again.

"Rest. I need to check on my lieutenants and help ready the troops for tomorrow. Perhaps you might be able to eat a bit more, yet," Adar said. As he walked behind the elf's chair, towards the entrance of the tent, his hand slid from Celebrimbor's wrist, up his arm and to his shoulder, which he squeezed softly with his hand.

Adar's words, his touch, the way it made Celebrimbor's heart seize and then feel as if it might burst in his chest, made the smith quickly reach up with his own hand and catch Adar's where it lay, grasping it and keeping it locked in place.

A shuddery breath, and he turned his head up at the other.

The uruk was looking at him still, but his face was more placid now. He was so quick, so skilled, at hiding himself away.

There were so many things the smith had said in his life - he'd given rousing speeches, encouragements to his apprentices. Affirmations for his friends, praise for Elrond, Galadriel and Gil-Galad for their accomplishments, tender words to those who had endured great losses.

And yet, now, his words had utterly deserted him.

He wanted to tell Adar so many things - 'I am glad we achieved a treaty for our people.' 'You are nothing like I expected.' 'I am glad you are here.' 'You and your words have calmed me like no other could.' 'I worry about you most of all.' 'I cannot explain what I am feeling, but the thought of losing you terrifies me, I think I might not be able to bear it.'

'Meeting you has been a coincidence, but I am glad it did happen, despite the circumstances.' 'I liken your eyes to gemstones in my thoughts and I want to craft you jewelry that fit their shade.' 'I wish I knew how to ask to repair your armor, so I might protect you like you did me.'

'I think I feel more for you than a husband in a political marriage typically does. Certainly more than I expected to feel.'

But, overwhelmed by his own revelations, the only thing he managed to say was "Thank you, Adar, for your reassurance. I am not sure if I might ever be ready to face him, but. You are right. And I am glad not to be alone this time," a pause. "You are not alone this time, either."

There was another small smile on Adar's lips, but it made Celebrimbor feel dejected instead of elated, for it seemed to hold no happiness, nor humor.

"You are very welcome, Celebrimbor. Now, as I said - eat. I will be joining you again once I am done," and with that, Adar stepped away as he pulled his hand out of Celebrimbor's grasp, and was gone from the tent before the elven smith could protest.

He sat there, his own hand still resting on his shoulder, still and quiet and all by himself. His heart still felt too big for his chest, but now, it also felt is if someone were tearing it apart.

Never in his life had Celebrimbor felt so utterly, completely bereft before. As if something intangible, yet very crucial and important, had just slipped through his fingers. And he felt terribly unsure if he would have the chance to ever reclaim it.

This, instead the thought of facing Sauron come tomorrow, scared him most of all.

[tparadox]

Trying to stay away from the news but thinking about the show TikTok put on did get me feeling like we're really cooked. The courts are still packed. They've had four years to plan how to get away with being even worse than last time. The mainstream news media spent the last four years playing into his hand, and now not only are the leaders of all the major US tech giants are in bed with the guy now, but Tiktok just showed us how willing they are to kiss up.

And I have to just remind myself, thinking we're already beaten is how they win, and this show of power and influence is part of that. You know what else has happened in the last few years that they can't play to their advantage? Mass dissatisfaction with the mainstream social platforms spurring a proliferation of alternatives they can't control so easily. Grassroots information sharing and citizen journalism. We've been able to study how they've used the avenues of information, misinformation, and disinformation and drawn some lessons we can hopefully use to bring the truth to people and places that have been closed off from it.

Things aren't going to get better the way he promised, and midterms are coming up. We can't stop everything they want to do, but we can sure slow them down until then.

[jackactuallywrites]

All Seeing, All Knowing, All Loving Part 14

Warning: Cringe texting

Summary: ^

Notes: I love you guys but I’m lazy for formatting don’t hate me (it’s better on ao3)

Word count: 1,204

ao3 link

Several things were becoming abundantly clear to you.

One, you wanted to fuck Ghost.

Two, Ghost knew this.

Three, he thought he had it in the bag. And that, you took issue with. You were going to fuck him, but you wanted him to work for it; you wanted him to be down on his knees begging.

How exactly you were going to achieve this, you hadn’t quite figured out yet. All you knew for sure was that your ego needed a little more flattering and that Ghost’s needed to be taken down a peg.

You had some vague plans, and one of them had come into motion the second you got a text on your phone from the man himself, when you’d woken up for the second time on Sunday, having already had one rude awakening.

‘Unknown Number: New number. Know you missed texting me. ;-)’

Thank God he hadn’t seen the desperation in your texts on his last phone. This was a chance for a clean slate.

‘You: How’s the photo capabilities on your new phone?’

‘Ghost: Dirty bird. I’ll upgrade.’

‘You: For pictures of Soap and Roach you pervert.’

‘Ghost: Sure love.’

God the man was smug. Although, the mere idea of pictures from you had him buying a whole new phone? He wasn’t shy about his desire for you. Not to mention, it hadn’t even been half a day since he’d left your home, and he’d already sent you a text from his new phone? He was definitely down bad. And you were going to take advantage of that. But, for now, you were going to play it cool.

‘You: Anywaysss! How did the medical go?’

‘Ghost: Fit as a butchers dog.’

‘You: ? Are butcher's dogs especially healthy?’

‘Ghost: Ours was. :-)’

That was new.

‘You: You were a butcher?’

‘Ghost: Was a butcher's apprentice before I joined the military.’

You wondered if that was around the time he’d taken the picture for his drivers licence. Simon Riley the butcher. Well, he could keep the moniker; you imagine he did just as much butchering.

‘Ghost: I can show you how to properly handle meat. ;-)’

Of course. However, there was something cute about the fact that he’d sent you another text after you hadn’t replied for a mere minute. Did he even know what double texting was? You doubted that; he didn’t even seem to know how to use emojis. It was fun to go back to a pre-emoji time, like a throwback to your early teen years.

‘You: Yeah, I bet you’re a master at handling meat. Twat.’

‘Ghost: Happy to show you. ;-)’

‘You: In your dreams.’

‘Ghost: Yes. :-)’

You needed to stop. Either he was masterful at drawing you into playful banter, or you were easy. Regardless, you actually had things to do today, so you couldn’t spend all day flirting with Ghost over text.

‘You: I’ve got to get ready to go out. Talk to you later.’

‘Ghost: Think of me. ;-)’

Incorrigible.

Now, it was time for the second part of your first plan. Today, you were meeting the girls in town for a little window shopping and coffee, which gave you a convenient excuse to get dressed up, and you thought you knew who would appreciate a picture of your outfit. You spent far longer than usual picking out your clothes, trying to find the perfect mix of slutty enough to tease him but not slutty enough that your friends would notice. It was a hard bargain.

You figured it out pretty quickly. You could wear a mini skirt if you just stuck a jumper and a big jacket over it. You put your hair up in a bun that took a deceptively long amount of time to look like you’d just thrown it up, with you having to repeat the whole process three times until you finally got something you liked.

By the time you’d got around to doing your makeup, you were already over it, still irritated by your hair's inability to behave, but you stuck with it, giving yourself winged eyeliner, and several coats of mascara. There was no way you were going to faff trying to do your lips, so you just stuck with basic lip balm to complete your look.

With everything finished, you went to the long mirror in your room, having to give it a thorough clean before you could actually take any pictures. Ghost was worth it, that was unquestionable, but it didn’t make it any less of a faff. You were already out of breath, and you hadn’t even really done anything. How were you supposed to get across a slutty vibe with plausible deniability? Upskirt shot was out of the question. For now. Instead, you went with a classic pose, standing in front of the mirror, hand on your waist, resisting the urge to hold it up in a peace sign, your lips slightly pouted. Of course, you took a good dozen photos so you had a good range to choose from, hemming and hawing over which one was best before you finally decided.

From start to the finish, the whole process had taken about three hours, and the entire end result was a simple text that belied none of your efforts.

‘You: what do you think of my outfit? :) (image)’

There was no instant reply from him this time. You frowned at your phone, but it didn’t summon a text from him, so you just stuck it in your handbag and pretended you didn’t care, as though that would make the time until his next message shorter. Never worked before, but never stopped you from trying regardless.

In the time it took for you to put your coat and shoes on, and give Soap and Roach enough fuss that you didn’t feel guilty leaving them behind, you actually did get a response. You liked that about Ghost. He didn’t fuck about with long waiting times. Well, except for the weeks prior, but that didn’t count; his phone was blown up.

‘Ghost: Let me take you out instead. Anywhere you want.’

The offer was tempting. But you weren’t about to ditch your girls for Ghost. Even if it did take every fibre of your strength not to.

‘You: N o. I’m not ditching my mates for you.’

‘Ghost: Tease.’

‘You: Am not! Was just showing my outfit!’

‘Ghost: You know what you do to me.’

Shit, you were going to be late if you kept letting him distract you. There was just something about texting him that made you feel like a smitten teenager again.

‘You: Going out now! Byeeee’

‘Ghost: See you tonight :-)’

‘You: ???’

‘Ghost: I’m giving you a lift home. Just let me know when you need me.’

Oh, you liked that. You hadn’t even kissed him yet, and he was already your personal chauffeur?

‘You: Fine, will let you know.’

‘Ghost: That’s my girl ;-)’

With that, you locked your phone and stuffed it in the deepest recesses of your bag, knowing that you’d succumb to the temptation of texting him all day otherwise, and set out to catch the bus into town, already running late.

[idkkprincess]

Somebody That He Used To Know

Analyzing a little more on Post-Amnesia Shadow coming to face with his past.

Honestly, while Dark Beginnings did a great job showing us of the relationship between Shadow and Maria, Generations showed us what Shadow meant to Maria.

Not what Maria meant to Shadow, because this Shadow isn't her Shadow. He's different. Whatever fully happened on the ARK is lost.

And while, Maria cares for him regardless of what he can become. She knows something is wrong. She knows she hasn't seen him in a long time. She knows he's gone through things, she could only imagine.

This Shadow, has recovered from amnesia post-dying post-brainwashing, he only knows of Maria in certain aspects. He's never actually met her. It's kinda similar to his Pre-Genesis Archie counterpart, who never met her but knows of her and knows the pain of losing her. He knows so much about her because of how much her death has impacted his life. He doesn't really know why she cared for him, only that she did.

To Shadow, seeing both Gerald and Maria brings up things that he knows happened it's just that he doesn't recall them happening. He saved Maria, not because she was Maria, but because it was someone in danger.

A lot of what he does in the game with Maria is trying to reason with her. Especially with Maria's wish, because that is literately all he knows about her other than a few things here and there.

There hasn't been any confirmation that all of his memories have returned. Dark Beginnings, shows that he remembers part of things, especially closer to the ARK Incident. Even then, his memories are used more as a taunting devices from Black Doom than anything else most of the time.

I also still think he feels guilty about he death. He remembers most of his strong emotions, such feeling inadequate of failing at being her cure, her sacrifice to save him, or just the fact that he knew he wasn't going to fit in. Which he also still questions at the end of the Dark Beginnings because that is the only thing that is still relevant to his life.

At the end of the day, the ARK incident doesn't matter. He can't go back and fix it. Even Gerald tells him to not tamper the time stream. I think the reason why the "Let Me Save Gerald and Maria" story idea got dropped is because he has little to no idea who these people are or were to him now. At the beginnings he knows he should precent thier deaths, but at the same time he's busy. He learns more about them, more about his purpose and who they were. Because Gerald and Maria don't know him anymore and he doesn't know them that much either.

And that's why he cries again at the end of the game, because for the first time in a long time, his heart and his mind make sense. He finally understands why this hurt him as much as it did back then. He finally realizes why Gerald wanted to destroy the world and he seemed fine with it until he wasn't.

Shadow also seemed to understand why Maria seemed more important than Gerald in his mind. She stood by him and supported him to do better. Maria coddled Shadow. She was the supporting words that would guide him to be who needed to be. Unlike Gerald who kinda just let him do what he wanted. Gerald had the belief that Shadow would do the right thing, he's a scientist who believes in his work. For Maria, this is her first time understanding that people would grow and they would be something you can't control. Shadow is his own person at the end of the day, not something you plan out methodically. It was all experimental.

Shadow has always wanted them back for some odd reason he tends to bury. He just finally understood why and couldn't bear it.

“That which inspires us to our greatest good is also the cause of our greatest evil.” - Viktor, Arcane

[kultklassickiller]

Prada You Chapter 17

Summary:

In the summer of 1998, sparks fly between Nyeya and Jey.

Nyeya is an 18-year-old around the way girl. Jey is older, paid, and fine. He is also the leader of the infamous Prada Bois alongside his twin brother Jimmy.  The two have chemistry. However, Nyeya has plans outside of her attraction. With a birthday around the corner and dreams of living a good life, Nyeya sets her sights on enjoying the perks of Jey's money and hood celebrity.

But baby girl has no clue what it takes to really be down. Nyeya is about to learn some hard life lessons at the expense of her 'Prada' priced dreams.

Pairing: Jey Uso x Nyeya (Nye) Green (OC)

Author’s Note: This story is happening in an alternative universe. It features the current and original Bloodline members along with other WWE stars. So, the characters are themselves, but some things are switched around for the stories sake. This was originally written with all original characters, but I think it could work better this way. Hope you guys enjoy it and I actually finish it...

Warning: Please be advised that this chapter contains underage drinking, age gap relationships.

Disclaimer: This work of art is fictional in nature including the original characters created by me. I do not own any of the existing characters or lyrics from songs referenced in this story (if any). All rights belong to their respective owners with the exception of my original characters. This work is purely for entertainment purposes and is not intended to cause harm.

Chapter 17: Heavy

The room felt smaller, as if the argument had sucked all the air out of it. I leaned against the wall, my arms crossed tightly over my chest, while Jey paced the floor like a caged animal. His breaths were heavy, his movements restless.

“I’m sorry, Nyeya,” he said finally, breaking the silence. His voice was quieter now, no longer edged with anger but laced with something deeper—regret perhaps. “I didn’t mean for it to go like that. I just… I can’t stand the thought of someone trying to come between us. You know how I feel about you. You know how deep this shit is.”

I stayed silent, my heart still pounding from the intensity of it all. My thoughts raced, caught between wanting to believe him and knowing this wasn’t the first time he’d apologized like this. “Jey, you can’t keep doing this. It’s too much. I don’t… I don’t know how long I can keep dealing with you popping off on me.”

He stopped pacing, turning to face me. The hardness in his expression softened, and he closed the distance between us. “I know I messed up,” he admitted, his voice raw. “But you’re everything to me, Nye. I swear I’ll do better. Just… don’t walk away from me. Not tonight.”

His words hung in the air, heavy with unspoken promises. I wanted to push back, to tell him words weren’t enough anymore, but the look in his eyes stopped me. Vulnerability wasn’t something Jey wore often, and seeing it now made it harder to hold onto my anger.

“You always say that. You always do this,” I murmured, my voice barely above a whisper.

“And I mean it this time,” he said quickly, his hand brushing against mine. His touch was light, hesitant, as if he was afraid I’d pull away. “Stay with me tonight. We’ll figure it out in the morning. Please, baby.”

I hesitated, the logical part of me screaming to leave, to go home and put space between us. But the vulnerability in his voice and the way he looked at me pulled at something deeper. Against my better judgment, I nodded. “Alright. I’ll stay.”

---

As we left the room, the heavy tension started to lift, though it didn’t disappear completely. My eyes scanned the crowded living room, spotting Kiyah near the kitchen with Jacob still close by her side. Natasha was laughing with Tama and Tonga, while Nataya and Jimmy were tucked into a quiet corner, her hand resting on his knee as they whispered to each other.

I hesitated, but Jey gave me a reassuring nod before stepping away to talk to Sami near the backyard.

Kiyah was the first to notice me approaching, her eyes narrowing with concern. “You okay, Nye? You look…” she paused, glancing behind me as if searching for Jey. “What happened?”

I shrugged, not trusting my voice to sound steady. “I’m fine. We just needed to talk some things out. It’s all good now.”

Natasha joined us, her brow furrowed. “Talk about what? We saw how he dragged you outta here. What’s going on, Nye? He trippin’ again?”

“Nothing,” I said quickly, forcing a small smile. “Everything’s fine now. Really. I’m… I’m gonna stay with him tonight."

Kiyah’s expression turned skeptical. “You sure that’s a good idea?”

Nataya, who had finally made her way over, looked between me and Jey from afar. “Girl, we’ll cover for you if your mama asks, but you need to make sure you’re good. I mean, really good. If you’re not sure, come home with us.”

I appreciated their concern, but I could feel Jey’s eyes on me from across the room, his posture relaxed yet watchful. “I’m sure,” I said, louder this time. “He’s… he’s trying, y’all. I just need to give him a chance. We’ll work things out.”

Kiyah’s lips pressed into a thin line, but she nodded. “Alright. But you call us if anything goes left. Promise me, Nye.”

“Promise,” I said, hoping my voice sounded steadier than I felt.

Satisfied, the girls let it go, but the worry in their eyes stayed with me as I walked back to Jey. He stood near the back door, leaning against the frame with his hands in his pockets. His gaze softened when I approached.

“Everything good?” he asked, his tone low and calm.

“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “Let’s go.”

---

The ride to Jey’s house was quiet, the city streets bathed in the glow of streetlights. I stared out the window, my thoughts tangled. Jey’s hand rested on the gear shift, his fingers tapping rhythmically, a small but noticeable sign of his lingering tension.

“I’ll get you home early,” he said, breaking the silence. “Before anyone notices you missing. You said mama don’t trip right if she think you with Kiyah.”

I nodded, my gaze still fixed on the passing buildings. The lies he had me telling sat uncomfortably in my chest, but I didn’t argue.

---

Morning light spilled through the blinds of Jey’s bedroom, casting soft shadows across the walls. The faint scent of his cologne lingered in the air, mingling with the distant hum of traffic outside. I woke to the weight of his arm draped over my waist, his body warm against mine. For a moment, I lay there, replaying the events of the night before. The fight. The apology. The lingering doubt that refused to leave.

Jey stirred beside me, his grip tightening slightly before he opened his eyes. “Morning,” he murmured, his voice rough with sleep.

“Morning,” I replied, shifting to sit up.

He propped himself up on one elbow, watching me. “About last night… I meant what I said. I’m sorry. I know I need to do better. I don’t want to lose you.”

I looked down at my hands, tracing invisible patterns on the blanket. “Jey, you can’t keep saying that and then doing the same thing over and over. I… I need things to change.”

“And they will,” he said firmly, sitting up fully now. “Tonight, at the park if you come, it’s just gonna be good vibes. No drama. No fights. Just us having a good time. I promise, Nye. Let me make it up to you.”

I wanted to believe him. The sincerity in his voice made it hard to hold onto my doubts. “Alright,” I said finally, my voice barely audible. “I’ll come.”

His face softened into a smile, and he leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead. “That’s my girl.”

---

By the time Jey dropped me off at home, the morning was quiet, the street bathed in soft sunlight. He pulled the car to a stop in front of my house and turned to face me.

“I’ll see you around four. I got some business to handle before I get there,” he said, his tone lighter now. “Wear something cute for me. You know how I like it.”

I rolled my eyes but couldn’t stop the small smile that crept onto my face. “Cool. I’ll see you later.”

He leaned in, his lips capturing mine in a kiss that was soft but lingering, his hand lightly brushing my cheek. When he pulled back, his grin was back in place. “Later, baby.”

I stepped out of the car, closing the door behind me. As he drove off, I stood there for a moment, the smile fading from my face. The warmth of his kiss lingered, but so did the knot in my stomach. Was I making the right choice? I shook my head, pushing the thought aside as I headed inside. For now, I’d let myself hope that today would be different.

---

The midday sun beamed down as I stepped out of the house, my swimsuit covered by a loose, sheer wrap. Natasha and Nataya were already waiting by the car, chattering excitedly about the park party. Kiyah walked up behind me, adjusting her bag on her shoulder. "You good?" she asked, her voice soft.

"Yeah, I’m good," I replied, though my stomach twisted with unease.

We piled into the car Jimmy let Nataya borrow, the twins up front with Natasha driving. She was the best driver out of us. The ride to the park was filled with chatter and laughter, the excitement contagious despite my own lingering doubts. I stared out the window, trying to convince myself this would be a good day.

---

The park was alive with activity. Music blared from speakers set up near the pool, the beats vibrating through the warm summer air. Groups of people danced on the grass; their movements carefree. Others gathered around picnic tables piled high with food—burgers, hot dogs, aluminum pans of baked beans and mac and cheese. The pool glistened, a handful of kids splashing while some adults lounged on inflatable floats, their drinks held high above the water.

“Okay, let’s party,” Natasha said, clapping her hands together as she stepped out of the car. The twins wasted no time joining the festivities, leaving Kiyah and me standing by the lot.

Kiyah turned to me, her expression shifting from excitement to concern. “Alright, Nye, real talk. Are you okay? Like, really okay?"

I hesitated, caught off guard by her directness. “I… Yeah. I’m cool. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Kiyah crossed her arms, giving me a look that said she wasn’t buying it. “You’ve been off lately. Last night wasn’t nothing. And I know how Jey can be especially with you.”

“He’s not that bad,” I said quickly, the words tumbling out before I could think them through. “He’s just… going through some stuff. You know how life gets. It’ll work out.”

“Uh-huh,” Kiyah said, unimpressed. “Listen, I get it. He’s got that whole charm thing going on, but nothing—and I mean nothing—is worth losing yourself over. Not even a Prada Boi.”

Her words hit harder than I wanted to admit. I forced a small smile, hoping to ease her concern. “I’m not losing myself, Kiyah. I’m good. I promise.”

She studied me for a moment before sighing. “Alright. Just… don’t let him drag you down, Nye. You’re better than that. And he not all that anyway.”

“I won’t,” I assured her, though the pit in my stomach said otherwise.

Satisfied, Kiyah grinned and bumped my shoulder. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a date with Jacob. I think I can play step-mama for the right price.” She turned and disappeared into the crowd, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

---

I made my way to the pool, slipping off my wrap and sitting at the edge with my feet dangling in the water. The coolness was a welcome relief from the summer heat, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. I glanced around, my heart skipping when I saw him.

Damian stood on the far side of the pool, leaning casually against a fence with a drink in his hand. His eyes were fixed on me, his gaze heavy and unrelenting. My breath hitched, and I felt suddenly exposed, the swimsuit clinging to my skin like a second layer.

I looked away quickly, my heart pounding. Why was he here? Why now?

The rumble of an engine broke through my thoughts, and I turned to see Jey’s car pulling into the parking lot. He stepped out, his walk slightly unsteady, a bottle of liquor dangling from one hand. He was shirtless, his tattoos on full display, the ink stretching across his chest and arms, a bold statement of who he was. His eyes were glassy, his grin lazy, and his shorts hung low on his hips, completing the effortless look. He looked good as hell.

I pushed myself up from the pool and walked toward him, meeting him halfway. “You’re late,” I said, trying to keep my tone light but unable to hide the edge of annoyance in my voice.

“I’m right on time, baby,” he replied, his arm slipping around my waist and pulling me closer. The smell of alcohol clung to him, sharp and undeniable, but his touch was steady, almost comforting. “You miss me?”

I hesitated for a moment, studying his glassy eyes and the way his grin tilted slightly to the side. “Maybe. Did you miss me?”

“More than you know,” he said, his voice dropping low. He leaned in, brushing his lips against mine in a featherlight tease before pulling back. “You been behaving without me?”

I hesitated before nodding. “Of course.”

His grin widened, and he held the bottle out to me. “Here,” he said, holding the bottle between us. “Take a sip. Loosen up. It’s a celebration, right?”

I took the bottle hesitantly, the liquor burning as it slid down my throat. Jey’s fingers danced on my hip, the touch intimate, almost claiming. He leaned in as I swallowed, his lips brushing the corner of my mouth. "That’s my girl," he whispered, his voice thick with satisfaction. I glanced toward the pool and caught Damian watching us, his expression unreadable. The intensity of his gaze made my skin prickle, and a surge of defiance rose in me.

Turning back to Jey, I slipped an arm around his neck, pulling him flush against me. "You’re in a real good mood today," I murmured, my lips brushing the edge of his jaw before trailing lightly to his ear. "What’s got you so happy?"

“Because I got you, mama,” he murmured, his lips grazing the sensitive spot beneath my ear. “When you’re with me, it’s like everything’s right. Last night’s behind us, right?”

I nodded, even as my heart pounded. “Right.”

Jey’s grin widened before he kissed me again, this time deeper, his lips firm and insistent, as if he was staking a claim. The heat of the moment sent a rush through me, and I clung to him, my fingers running through his hair. When he finally pulled back, his forehead rested against mine, his breath warm against my skin.

“Let’s go join the party," he said, his voice low and full of promise. "Show everyone how good we look together."

---

The festivities were in full swing. Music blasted from the speakers, and the air was filled with the sound of laughter and splashing water. Jey stayed close, his arm never straying far from my waist.

Natasha and Tonga were dancing near the grill, their movements loose and carefree. Nataya and Jimmy were sitting together at a table, sharing a plate of food and laughing like they had no cares in the world. Kiyah and Jacob were by the pool, their heads close as they talked, their laughter carrying over the noise.

I tried to focus on the party, to lose myself in the energy around me. But every so often, I felt Damian’s gaze slicing through the crowd, his eyes heavy and unyielding. It was like he was reading every move I made, dissecting every touch Jey placed on me. No matter how much I laughed, danced, or clung to Jey, Damian’s presence was a reminder that nothing about today was simple—and nothing about this life ever would be.

---

The park party was electric, the kind of energy that could only come from summer heat and a crowd that seemed to double by the minute. The bass from the speakers thumped so hard it vibrated in my chest, mixing with the smell of charcoal, chlorine, and the tangy sweetness of someone’s perfume. Everywhere I turned, there was movement: people dancing on the grass, kids cannonballing into the pool, and adults balancing plates stacked with food.

Jey had me perched on his lap by one of the folding tables, his arm snug around my waist as I fed him bites of cake. His lips brushed against the fork with every bite, a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“You’re enjoying this too much,” I teased, wiping a smudge of frosting from the corner of his lips.

“Why wouldn’t I?” he shot back, his voice low and full of that easy confidence. “You’re spoiling me. You’re not gonna stop now, are you?”

I rolled my eyes, but the warmth in his gaze made my cheeks heat. “Don’t get used to it,” I warned, though the playful lilt in my voice made it clear I didn’t mean it.

Jey chuckled, leaning in to kiss my temple. His grip tightened slightly; a subtle reminder of the claim he had on me. “I will. You treat me like a king, baby. And I treat you like a queen.”

---

As the afternoon stretched into early evening, the crowd seemed to thicken. Natasha and Sami had drifted toward the grill, where Sami’s booming laughter carried over the music. Nataya and Jimmy were sitting under a tree, their hands intertwined, looking like they were in their own world. Kiyah had switched gears, chatting up Solo now, her easy laugh and quick wit drawing him in.

I let my eyes wander, hoping to absorb the carefree atmosphere. But then I saw him.

Damian was sitting against the fence near the pool, a beer bottle dangling loosely in his hand. A woman was perched on his lap, her legs draped over his as she toyed with the gold chain around his neck. She was gorgeous, with dark curls framing her face and a smile that lit up the space around her. Damian’s hand rested on her thigh, his fingers tracing slow, deliberate patterns that made my stomach twist.

I tore my gaze away, the sight leaving a sour taste in my mouth. Why do you care? I scolded myself, but the question felt hollow. I tried to focus on Jey, who was cracking jokes with Jacob, but my thoughts kept drifting back to Damian.

---

Later, I stood and stretched. “I’m gonna put my stuff in your car,” I told Jey, brushing a kiss against his cheek. “Be right back.”

“You sure you don’t want me to come with you?” he asked, his tone teasing but laced with a protective edge.

I smiled. “I’ll be fine. Hold my spot.”

The parking lot was quieter, the distant hum of the party muted by the trees surrounding it. I opened the trunk of Jey’s car, placing my bag inside and closing it with a satisfying click.

“Leaving already?” a voice said behind me. I turned to see Damian standing by a car, his beer still in hand. His expression was unreadable, but his eyes lingered on mine for a moment too long.

“What do you want, Damian?” I asked, folding my arms over my chest.

“To talk,” he said simply, stepping closer. “You seemed… off earlier. I just want to make sure you’re okay, mami.”

“I’m fine,” I replied sharply. “You don’t need to worry about me. That’s Jey’s job.”

His jaw tightened, and he exhaled through his nose. “Is it bad that I care about you, Nyeya? More than you realize. More than I realized.”

His words threw me off balance, but I masked it with anger. “You have a funny way of showing it,” I snapped, glancing back toward the party. “Is that why you had some girl draped over you like a cheap coat? You worried about her, too?”

Damian’s lips quirked into a smirk. “Jealous?”

I scoffed. “Hardly.”

He stepped closer, his voice dropping. “You can lie to yourself all you want, but I see it, Nye. You’re not happy. Not with him. But I told you that, mami. How long before you admit it?”

My chest tightened. “You don’t know anything about me or what I feel.”

“I know more than you think,” he said, his gaze holding mine. “And I know you deserve better.”

The silence between us was heavy, charged with unspoken things I wasn’t ready to confront. Finally, I shook my head and turned back toward the party. “I don’t have time for this, Damian.”

“Not much time left,” he called after me. “Think about it before it gets worse.”

---

Back at the party, Jey pulled me into his lap again, his arm wrapping securely around me as the card game at the table kicked off. His laughter was loud and easy, his confidence radiating as he placed his bets. I tried to focus on him, on the way his hand rested on my thigh, but I couldn’t shake the tension lingering from my conversation with Damian.

“Yo, Damian!” Jey called out, nodding toward an empty seat. “Get over here, uce. We need one more.”

Damian hesitated for a fraction of a second before approaching, his face carefully neutral. He took the seat without a word, his eyes flicking to me briefly before settling on his cards. The tension at the table was palpable, though no one else seemed to notice.

By the end of the game, I’d had enough. Leaning into Jey, I murmured, “I’m ready to go.”

He glanced at me, his expression softening. “Yeah? Alright, baby. Let’s get outta here.”

He helped me up, throwing an arm over my shoulders as we headed toward the parking lot. I felt Damian’s eyes on me as we walked away, but I didn’t look back. The weight of his gaze followed me long after we left.

---

Back at Jey’s house, the atmosphere shifted into something quieter, softer. The hum of the air conditioner filled the silence, blending with the occasional rustle of leaves outside the window. Jey dropped his keys on the counter and turned to me, his expression uncharacteristically gentle.

“You straight?” he asked, stepping closer, his hands sliding around my waist. His touch was familiar, steady, but his eyes searched mine like he was trying to read the thoughts I wasn’t saying. “You know you mean everything to me, right?”

I nodded, letting out a small breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. “Yeah. I’m good. And I know, babe.”

His thumb traced slow circles on my hip, and he leaned in, his forehead resting lightly against mine. “Thanks for sticking with me tonight,” he said, his voice quieter now. “I know I can mess up, Nye. I just… I can’t picture this life without you in it.”

“You think?” I teased, brushing my fingers along the faint stubble on his jaw. “You make it sound like I’m doing you a favor just being here.” My voice softened, my gaze meeting his. “But you know it’s because I care, right? You just gotta let yourself believe you’re worth it.”

He smirked, his lips brushing against my temple. “You keep me steady,” he murmured, his voice raw in a way that made my chest ache. “It’s not just needing you, Nye. You’re the only one who gets me. The only one I trust to really see me, all of me.”

The weight of his words hung between us, and for once, there wasn’t any tension behind them. It felt honest, raw in a way that made my chest tighten. I leaned up, pressing my lips to his in a kiss that started slow but deepened quickly. His hands slid up my back, pulling me closer until there was no space left between us.

“I’m glad you stayed down with me,” he murmured, his lips grazing mine. “I don’t say it enough, but I love you, Nyeya. You’ve got my heart, baby.”

His words hit me harder than I expected, and for a moment, I just stared at him, my heart pounding in my chest. “I love you too, Jey,” I whispered, my voice trembling but sure. And as his arms tightened around me, I let myself believe it. For now, it was enough to drown out the noise of everything else.

---

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[emyluwinter]

Hey honey.

It's been a long time since I've thrown out some theories.

Before the new part is released at the end of January. I want to share a few ideas about what can happen in general in the arc of Dissomnia.

In Riddle's dream, we see that his subconscious (no, guys, Malleus doesn't create all these dreams, he just gives them sand and various shapes and throws them into the sandbox) made his childhood very…Happy? His loving mother, who doesn't treat him like she's cultivating some kind of experiment. On the contrary, she has a big heart with a tender love for his son. Maybe his parents will be one of those sweet romantic couples with a long and strong marriage. A quiet, serene life. The friends who had been with him for all those years that he was actually locked in the house. Lots of hobbies. Lots of fun, lots of childish curiosity, games and adventures. Yes, he is still respected. But he is loved. Love as a friend and an undergraduate who has earned a good reputation.

Well, it can also be as tall as a two-meter-high Epel. Ahahaha.

Or 1.1, as we saw in Leona's dream. For Riddle, the dream is a nightmare where he continued all his mother's instructions and ended up….broke down. When he realized that the world was completely different from the narrow, tiny world in which he was trapped.

Ace's dream is something wild. It haunts me that we didn't see Ace at the very beginning. You see, we met the characters exactly in the order in which we met them. For example. Epel-Rook-Vil, Floyd-Jade-Azul. Jack-Raggie-Leona and so on. The meaning is clear. But in the arch with the dreams of Hearts, everything went topsy-turvy. It's pretty funny if they just switched places for the sake of Alice's chaos theme.

Ace is definitely going to be a wild card in every sense. Maybe his dream is a simple school life? Or is it an endless amusement park?

But you know, I want to see one detail….

What if Ace's subconscious gave Yu and Grimm better conditions? A Loving Family? A house?

I had an idea what he could give to Yu's - parents. Yuu mother, for example, is a famous photographer and artist (Yu's love of photography and art), and Father is an inventor or craftsman (I will fight with anyone who says the opposite, that Yu does not understand repairs and all sorts of things, after so much has been done in their dormitory) Definitely a man who has golden hands, in short. And Yuu will be their favorite child, having inherited their passion for certain crafts. A modest but very very cozy house where you can exhale and leave all your sorrows at the door. Where there is always a smell of something delicious or pleasant.

Grimm is a part of this family unconditionally. Is he also loved, also slightly spoiled?

The reason, which has strong and deep roots in the form of family and home, is that neither Yu nor Grimm will leave college. Yuu doesn't have to go back to his world, Grimm doesn't have to get used to living alone without Yuu.

Maybe Yuu will even have magic in Ace's dream, who knows?

2.2 We turn the chessboard around again and his dream is all his hidden fears. The horrors and nightmares that haunt him.

Riddle remains the same Tyrant, the rules are becoming suffocating in every sense. There is no help from senpai, teachers, or the principal. Yuu either returned to their world, or were injured or died in one of the overblots. Or they were expelled when Grimm's behavior was no longer tolerated.

Consciousness and subconsciousness are very complex things. Therefore, it is difficult to say what can break out and turn into a dream.

The arc of the other characters' dreams will end. Finally, these filler series will end.

The plan of Idia and Styx. Discussing exactly HOW to wake everyone up and reason with Malleus. Most likely, this will again be a division into groups. 22 characters in one scene, it's a nightmare for a screenwriter!

After we wake up the "last one," Malleus decides to make a move. You know, I couldn't help but think that this Dragon, beautiful as a god, was just waiting for a very convenient moment to attack. And this guy, let's not forget, is also smart. VERY Let's say we woke up the whole "gang for a fight". What's not a great opportunity to sneak up and not destroy the entire pillar? My bet is that there will be a repeat of the sleeping beauty scene. Silver started it, so there will be an attack on him. He's the only one who can walk through other people's dreams without Draconia's knowledge. Permissions NOT too.

What is easier to deprive the only chance to wake up the others again than to fix the main problem? We put Silver to sleep, we throw everyone back into their dreams. Voila!

This will most likely happen after Riddle wakes up. It would make sense because we started the game with Riddle (figuratively speaking), and Malleus closes the door back at the very end. They have some similar themes, which would be well reflected by some of their parallels. Both have a theme of roses and thorns. Both follow their own "rules", both have their own "reputational image", both don't know much about the "outside world".

Finally, let's bring Lilia back into the story. Yes, I miss the reunion of the Diasomnia family.

Yuu will see more dreams about "Sleeping Beauty" as a warning that Malleus has been watching them all this time and waiting for the moment to cut down this weed.

7.1. Yuu also sees all the horror, all the nightmare from the prologue.But not fleetingly in a moment like before…..and live every second of this desperate and hopeless situation. It's like they're being burned alive, torn to pieces, and they see each death in slow motion, like an endless torture.

Silver, because of his unique Magic, can see this nightmare too… and they both realize that this is not a dream at all, and not because of Malleus.

Lilia drinks blood. (maybe Yuu, maybe not) LISTEN, he ate frogs and mice, and another Bag knows what else. Technically, he's a flying mouse fairy. Sooo some species feed on blood. What's not a great solution to give Lilia the "opportunity" to regain her powers and magic before completing the entire arc of studies? It might work as some kind of move that just nobody knew about. Let's think that the Senate hated Lilia because his kind could feed on someone else's blood and become stronger? It's not the most pleasant thing, but we have something. It's a good and logical argument why they didn't want him in the capital so much.

So far, these are all the points that I can come up with in my tired head.

and also

Chapter 8!!

Each chapter has its own "theme" that is discussed one way or another throughout each arc. I may be wrong, but I only use the ones that I noticed myself during the passage. Chapter 1. tyranny and despotism, parental overprotection. Chapter 2 other people's hopes, a brick ceiling (I don't know how to say for sure that even if you give it your all, there is something that you can't go through in any way to achieve more) Chapter 3 - bullying, self-doubt. Chapter 7 the inevitability of loss, grief and loss, and so on.

For chapter 8, it could be Loneliness, isolation, and the outsider. Loneliness? It seems that this topic has not been raised in other chapters.

Yuu's loneliness, because they're not from here. Grimm's loneliness, because he doesn't belong to any part of society either. It's possible that the "puppeteer" is so distraught from loneliness and grief from the loss of something.

Hmm. Most likely, I'm wrong, and the topic of chapter 8 will be different.

They are both isolated from the world in one way or another. Remember how in the same novel, everyone kept them at arm's length and a mop, just to avoid dealing with them.

I understand that we still have a lot to see in Chapter 7, but frankly I have no idea what they have in store for Chapter 8!!

Oh, yeah. Most likely, on this anniversary, the 8th dormitory will be made official and they will be given a "badge", the one with the ribbon that students wear on their uniform jackets. In any case, it's very likely. If they also give you a uniform for Grimm, it will be very cool.

That's the end of my brain gum and I'm taking a break from work.

What do you think, dear?

[nickeverdeen]

Taken pr. 2 | Mom!Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

Pairings: Natasha x Melina (half family)

Type of fic: Tension

Warnings: None

Parts -> 1

Summary: After your abduction Natasha is determined to get you back even if it means seeking help from someone she hasn’t been wanting to talk to in years. But for you she’d do anything.

——————————

The cold night air bit at Natasha’s skin as she stood outside Melina’s isolated home, waiting. The phone call had been brief, but Melina owed her, and Natasha was counting on that debt to come through. She knocked twice, the sound sharp against the quiet wilderness.

The door creaked open, and Melina’s sharp gaze met Natasha’s. There was a flicker of surprise in her expression, but she quickly masked it. “Natasha,” she said, stepping aside to let her in.

“Melina,” Natasha replied curtly, wasting no time.

Once inside, Natasha paced the room, the tension rolling off her in waves. Melina watched her carefully, arms crossed. “What’s this about?”

Natasha stopped, taking a deep breath. “Someone close to me was taken.”

Melina raised an eyebrow. “Taken?”

“By the Red Room,” Natasha said bluntly.

That caught Melina’s attention. She straightened, her expression hardening. “And you think I can help?”

“I know you can,” Natasha said, her voice firm. “You still have ties. I need information—anything that can help me find them.”

Melina narrowed her eyes, her mind clearly racing. “Who is this someone?”

Natasha hesitated, her jaw tightening. She had been careful not to mention your name, knowing how many questions it would raise. But as Melina’s expectant gaze bore into her, Natasha realized there was no avoiding it.

“She’s…” Natasha faltered, her voice softer now. “Her name is Y/N Romanoff.”

For the first time in the conversation, Melina’s composed demeanor cracked. “Romanoff?” she repeated, her confusion evident. “Who—”

“It doesn’t matter,” Natasha cut in sharply, her voice firm. “What matters is finding her before it’s too late. Can you help me or not?”

Melina’s brows furrowed, clearly wanting to press further, but she knew better than to argue with Natasha when she was like this. With a small nod, she moved toward her desk, powering up a laptop.

“I still have some access,” Melina admitted, her fingers flying across the keyboard. “Not much, but enough to get into the system.”

Natasha stood behind her, every muscle in her body taut with anticipation as Melina worked. Minutes passed in tense silence, broken only by the occasional tap of keys.

Finally, Melina spoke. “I found her. She’s been registered for Widow training—just starting.”

Natasha’s breath hitched, her stomach twisting. She leaned closer to the screen, her sharp eyes scanning the information Melina pulled up. “Where is she?”

Melina hesitated. “I can give you coordinates, but they’re fragmented. The Red Room doesn’t keep all their information in one place anymore. They’ve learned from the past.”

“Give me what you’ve got,” Natasha demanded.

Melina jotted down a series of coordinates on a scrap of paper, handing it to Natasha. “It’s not much, but it’s a starting point.”

Natasha grabbed the paper, her grip tight. “Thank you,” she said, turning to leave.

“Natasha,” Melina called after her.

Natasha paused, her hand on the door.

“Who is she?” Melina pressed, her tone softer this time.

Natasha didn’t look back. “She’s my daughter,” she said simply before walking out the door.

Hours later, Natasha sat in the dimly lit cabin of a private jet, the coordinates clutched tightly in her hand. The roar of the engines barely registered as she stared out the window, her mind racing with plans, contingencies, and possibilities.

She didn’t know what she’d find when she reached her destination, but one thing was certain—she wasn’t stopping until she brought you home.

No matter what it took.

[crossfitandcarbs]

If you've been following my relationship 💫 stuff 💫, I've woken up the past 2 days with this really clear sense of clarity.

Of course I still want to be with him. I think having some important conversations about life, where we see ourselves in 5 years, 10 years etc have been so helpful. We're not great with having the BIG conversations, so I think really talking about it all has been great and helped me realise what I want my life to look like.

Let's be clear, he's always been an amazing partner. And I mean a real, genuine partner. Someone who helps me and I help him. He cleans without being asked, he helps out when I need it, he takes on part of the mental load, he looks after me when I need extra support, he loves our dogs just as much as I do (honestly the most important thing) and he just wants me to be happy.

He'd also booked in a ring appointment before Christmas but then Champ needed almost $8,000 in vet bills so he had to cancel it lol. But to be honest, that was probably a good thing because if he'd proposed around that time, I think I would have felt conflicted.

I feel so much better now. We have plans. We also spoke about getting an investment property to help set us up for the future. Just something small. I also said I want to get out more, as in be in nature. Go kayaking, maybe camping etc. I don't want life to just pass me by.

[honeyjars-sims]

Part 2 1.01 A Big Splash

It's a typical Saturday morning, and as usual, I slept in. As hard as it is to drag myself out of bed, I know I have things to do today, so into the shower I go.

While I'm getting ready, I can't help but reflect on my recent birthday. It's hard to believe how much has happened over my lifetime, or even just in the past 10 years. In a lot of ways, I still feel like that same kid who thought he knew everything but had so much to learn. If I could go back and tell him what was about to happen in his life, I don't think he'd believe me. Sometimes, I still don’t believe it.

As I head downstairs, I hear the familiar sound of Paul stirring something in a bowl and briefly wonder what he's making before chuckling to myself. I already know it's pancakes. It's always pancakes, but I can't complain about the predictability when I know they're going to be delicious. 

I make it downstairs and the girls are so busy helping that they don't even notice I've come down.

Well, Rachel is helping, at least. She has her own bowl and is standing on the footstool at the island stirring away. Chelsea, however, can't be trusted with anything that we plan to eat unless I'm there to supervise. Otherwise we run the risk of having a secret ingredient–toddler slobber or animal hair or whatever else has ended up on her grubby little hands. 

I sneak up behind her and give her a little tickle. She turns around. “Dada!” she squeals, as I scoop her up and give her a squeeze.

“Good morning, my loves,” I say.

“Dada, we’re making pancakes!” Rachel tells me, as though I should be surprised by this revelation. 

“I see that. I can’t wait to try them.” 

“What are you in the mood for this morning?” Paul asks me. “We’re out of bananas, but we have plenty of blueberries and strawberries.”

I come up behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist. “I'm in the mood for some of this,” I say, and he turns his head to meet my lips.

 “Lucky for you, there’s always plenty of that.”

Rachel and Paul finish the pancakes and we all scarf them down. It’s times like this when I wish we had more space. There’s not enough room for a dining table in our townhouse.

Chelsea insists she doesn’t need a high chair but can’t reach the barstools, so she ends up having most of her meals on the couch. Which is why the pillows smell like maple syrup and feel sticky.

Once we’ve finished breakfast, Rachel has a request. “Can we go to the splash pad? Please?

“Yeah, Dada, pwease?” Chelsea echoes. How can I say no to that?

The splash pad isn’t far but we have to drive, which means packing up everything we need and getting the kids secured in their seats. And of course, they want our dog Tucker to come with us.

Once we arrive, though, it’s worth all the effort. The girls love splashing around in the water...and yeah, so do Paul and I. 

“This was a good idea,” I tell Paul once we take a little break from the water.

“Yeah, it’s a beautiful day. We should do this more often, especially now that Chelsea’s getting older.”

“True, it’s a lot easier going out now that she’s not a baby anymore. Although…”

Paul sighs. “John,” he warns. He knows exactly what I’m hinting at.

“I’m just saying, she’s getting so big. I miss having a baby around.”

“So do I, but it would be much harder to have days like this with a newborn. Besides, we barely have space in the house for the four of us.”

“Exactly. We’re already outgrowing the house, so we might as well upgrade to something bigger and fill it with more babies.”

I gesture over to a lot across from the splash pad. “Look how close the Hopewell Commons expansion is. They have bigger units there. If we lived there we could just walk to the splash pad. Imagine how much the kids would love that.”

“Well, there has to be a unit available first,” Paul points out. “But I suppose we can let Gail and Ellie know we’re interested so they can let us know when something opens up.”

“Cool. So baby time?”

“I’m not saying no, but can we think about it a little more?”

“Yeah sure,” I agree. Sometimes Paul’s need to consider every possible angle before making a decision can be a bit frustrating, but I have to admit it’s helpful to have someone to reel me in sometimes. It’s a nice balance–a little chaotic, a little structured, and a lot of fun. 

Once again my thoughts turn to the past. Paul and I have been together for almost 10 years now. When I turned 20, I had no idea that my roommate would end up being my husband. That was certainly a year of discovery for me. And with a new home and a new baby possibly on the horizon, year 30 is shaping up to be quite an adventure as well. 

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