#and I haven't produced much writing or art in the last several months

[artemistorm]

Anyone else ever feel utterly baffled when people follow you?

[kikiiswashere]

Life Update

Howdy y'all. This is a post I've been meaning to write for a while, and one I alluded to in a previous Tag Game post.

I am self-conscious about how much time it has been since I've posted any original content (IE art, fanart, fanfic, etc.), and I feel compelled to share why.

Last year, at 32, I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD (Inattentive type). While this has been a revelatory thing to learn about me (and sheds light on so many facets of me I've never fully understood), it has also caused a fair amount of disruption. Namely, trying to behave and maneuver like a neuro-typical person when I have never been that. In light of this discovery, it has felt like my brain and my body are simultaneously in shut-down and overdrive.

I feel the cultural pull of 'perform perform perform produce produce produce' (yay capitalism!) and the aggravation that I "have" been able to behave like that before - albeit at a cost to my mental health and relationships.

Now that I know I am autistic and the mind numbing, body burning way a lot of us are expected to function does not jive with my nervous system, I have hit a wall and in what is known as Autistic burnout. After thirty-plus years of tamping down my mind and body's intuition, they are rightfully rebelling and demanding for a break and adjustment in behavior.

This is one of the reasons I haven't been able to update Children of Zaun in as timely a fashion as I would prefer. I want to write, but the motivation to do so is stuck in executive dysfunction land.

The other piece that is going on in the landscape of my life, is my business partner and I have made the decision to close our studio at the end of this month. There are several reasons for this, but my autistic burnout is among them. It is the right decision, but it is still a hard one to live with.

Hopefully, after we officially close and I have the chance to actually rest in the way my body and brain need, I will be feeling more creative.

Chapter 14 of Children of Zaun is about 1/2 way done, I think. Maybe I'll even post a little snippet for those of you who are bearing with me during these long swaths of time between chapters.

Anyway, thank you for reading! I love you all!

Take care of yourselves, okay?? Okay :)

[phanbeats]

🦉Positivity owl reporting for duty! This was sent by a friend who wants you to smile as much as your posts make them smile. Please list five things that make you unique, four things you are super passionate about and why, OR three of your favorite memories. Feel free to send the owl to those who you feel deserve to smile🦉

four things that I'm passionate about -

1. dan and phil

so i got into them in November of the worst year of my life: 2015. They were the first people older than me who'd ever seemed really alive? like, phil especially seemed genuinely happy, and they were weird in a way i thought grown ups weren't allowed to be, and I spent years clinging to my childhood because I was terrified of losing that spark of whimsy that made life feel worth living sometimes, so that was incredibly important to me. and I'd just lost three family members within a three month span and graduated from high school (therefore I'd lost my sole reason to get out of bed in the mornings) and i was trying to come to terms with being aro ace while a "friend" who was very well aware of my sexuality wouldn't stop coming on to me, and so by that November I was just waiting for the last straw; i wasn't planning to live much longer. but that's when I found d&p, and they quite literally saved my life. They gave me a reason to keep going when I really, really needed that, and i love my life now. I've met so many friends and had so many experiences i would have missed out on if not for them. So how can I not love them? they're everything to me.

This picture, by the way, was taken at tit Vancouver, shortly after i got down on one knee with a blue raspberry ring pop and asked Phil to marry me. He said yes!

2. sewing

i got into sewing (and other fiber crafts) several years ago because i wanted to make myself a corset, which was. an ambitious goal, for someone who had at the time only really done any sewing once several years earlier in home ec class. Since then I've made about a dozen skirts, four capes, three sets of pants, a few blouses, and right now I'm making my sixth corset, which is going to be made from silk and coutil and is heavily embroidered:

the lesson here is don't give up on doing things you want to do just because there's a learning curve; one day, with enough practice, you can become good at anything.

3. art

I've always been creative, and art is one of the easiest ways to express yourself creatively. I've been drawing and painting regularly for most of my life, and the career path I've chosen is animation. I have a diploma in 2D, but I'm actually planning on going back to school for 3D animation as well. Right now, I'm working on a realistic digital painting of d&p asleep on the couch in their tour bus as a bit of a challenge for myself. Here's a wip:

The final piece will be lineless, but I've included a lined version just so you can see the parts I haven't painted yet lmao.

4. writing/poetry

I distinctly remember being six years old and sitting down to write a book. Writing has been a part of me just as long as I've been able to read, and while the book six-year-old me attempted to produce was perhaps not very inspiring, I've written quite a lot since then. I got into writing fanfiction when I was 12, and it was my main hobby until I was about 16, at which point i got too depressed to continue with it. I have written fanfic since then, though, mostly in the past few years. I don't post everything I write only because I mostly just write down a scene here or there when I can't get them out of my head, but I have posted a few complete works which can be found here (for my teenage writing) and here (for my more recent stuff). I also write poetry, and one day I'd like to compile it into a book perhaps. Here are a few of my pieces:

I don't really have a favourite type of poem, although I do enjoy rhyming couplets lmao.

------

thank you for sending me this ask!! I know it's been a week or so but I've enjoyed answering it.

[alunclewe]

So Here's The Plan

Yikes. It's been, uh, three months since I last posted here (or on Instagram). That is bad.

I have said, many times before, that I intend to start posting more often, and I rarely do it. But, well, I intend to start posting more often (both on Tumblr and on Instagram). But to kick things off, let me give a little more detail about some of my plans. I'm not entirely sure whom I'm addressing this post to, given that I don't know that I actually have any active followers, but, well, I guess I'm writing it anyway. Maybe I'll pin this post. I can always unpin it later. I'm not sure there's any good reason to pin this post, but I'm not sure there's any good reason not to.

This is going to be a very long post, but that's okay, because nobody's going to read it anyway.

Anyway. So. I have never been happy with my drawing skills, but they are not going to improve if I don't, well, draw. I have been drawing some; among other things, I have participated in the last few @sequentialartistsworkshop Friday Night Comics workshop; I just... haven't posted the results here. I should do that. Over the next few days I'm going to try to find time to post some of my Friday Night Comics drawings.

I'd intended to participate in Art Fight this year, but, well, there are now three days left in the months, and I haven't done so. I guess maybe I can still get a few "attacks" in in the next few days. What the hey; I guess I'll try.

Now, for some more news on some specific projects.

Soup

First, the bad news. Soup was a daily webcomic I first started way back in 2000... and then, uh, did not manage to keep up with for long. I made a few abortive attempts at relaunches, but then it lay dormant for years. I had plans for it and always intended to do a real relaunch, though. Well, last year seemed like the right year to do it, because the dates lined up so that if I kept the strip to their original days of the year the color Sunday strips would actually fall on Sundays again—something that of course only happens once every seven years.

The problem was that, well, last year turned out to be not great in several ways. For one thing, since I work in the film industry, the SAG-AFTRA and WGA strikes meant I was... very short on money, and couldn't pay for promotion. So I did relaunch the comic, but I did nothing to attract readers. Moreover, I hadn't had time to prepare as much as I'd have liked; I did code up a new version of the site, but it didn't have all the features I'd planned.

Anyway, with a nine-months of old strips banked up, I figured I'd have no problem getting my workflow going producing new strips before my backlog ran out, and... that didn't happen. Part of the issue was that the old strips weren't actually ready to go as-is; I had to remaster the text and change the copyright dates, and that did take up some time. But really, the main issue was just that I had too many other projects going on at the same time. I can't do everything at once, and something's got to go. Regrettably, Soup went.

I still do want to relaunch it some day, but with everything else I had going on last year it was not a good time. The next day the dates line up right is 2028... in fact, they line up even better then than they did last year, in that this year was a leap year and 2001 was not, which means the dates stopped lining up at the end of February. I kind of hate to put off the relaunch of Soup another four years... but I'd hate even more to do it badly with no readers. This time I'll get everything prepared ahead of time, I'll be in a better position, and I'll do it right.

d24

Okay, this is another old comic that I'd kind of hoped to start again this year. The premise of this comic is that I would draw a 24-hour comic every 24 days, and post a page a day. I did this for a little over a year, and then just... didn't have time for it. I thought maybe I could relaunch it this year, since it's 2024, which seemed like the ideal time for a project about 24-hour comics. In fact, I'd hoped to relaunch this project on February 4—that is, 2/4/24.

Again, though, the circumstances just aren't right right now for me to do this. I have too much else to do; I have too much on my plate; I can't do everything, and I have to make some hard decisions and focus on fewer projects, which means some have to fall by the wayside, and d24 is one of those.

But again, on the other hand, that doesn't mean this project is cancelled forever. Yeah, a part of me regrets missing the auspicious date of 2/4/2024... but then again, the 24th anniversary of 24-Hour Comics Day is coming upon, on April 24, 2028. I think I'll shoot for doing this then.

So, okay, 2028 is going to be either a huge year for my comics projects, or a complete flop. We'll see.

Teras Terrace

Yet another old project was Teras Terrace, which I'd conceived as an animated pilot... well, at first as an animated pilot, and then hopefully as a series. I created a website for it, and even a Tumblr side account, @terasterrace.

At first, I was going to pitch this to an upcoming Frederator cartoon incubator, but I didn't get it done before the cartoon incubator up and came. So then I decided I'd create the pilot on my own. I went so far as to write up the pilot script and record the voice acting. (I asked some actors I knew to supply the voices for free (well, "deferred payment", which basically means free)—this was something I would not do now, and should not have done then. I should have paid the actors, and I fully intend to pay any actors for any of my future projects.)

And that's as far as it went. I had neither the knowhow nor the resources to create an animated pilot by myself, and didn't have the money or connections to get someone else to do it.

But then, at this point I don't want to sell Teras Terrace as an animated series anyway. At least, not at first. The thing is, suppose against all odds I had created a pilot pitch, somehow gotten it in front of an executive at Cartoon Network or whatever, and been greenlit. What would have happened then? Well, what would have happened then is that I would have had to sign away my rights to the project. It would have become the property of the producers. And honestly... I've kind of gotten sufficiently attached to the project that I don't want to lose my ownership of it.

But there may be a way to have my proverbial cake and eat it too. Sure, if I sold the rights to an original property to a producer, then I no longer own that property. But what if it's a preexisting property and I just sell the rights to adapt it into an animated series? Then, sure, the production company would own the rights to that series, but I'd still own the characters and the concept. So what I have to do is publish it in some other form first.

So anyway, I want to start making a Teras Terrace webcomic first, basically so there's a published record of the characters and I can establish my rights to them. (Of course, the chances are negligible that I ever will sell it or anything else as an animated series. It's not going to happen. But I can dream.) This won't be a daily comic. Weekly, maybe, at least at first.

At first I was uncertain how to do this, because I didn't want to spoil the stories that would appear in the series, but on the other hand if I tried to publish other stories with the same characters that were taking place simultaneously, there might be issues with continuity, which is something I absolutely shouldn't worry about but irrationally do. But then I figured out a way I can do the webcomic as a prequel, with different main characters. But there's a lot of character design and planning I need to do before I can do that.

So when is this going to happen? I don't know; I don't have a set schedule for it yet. Hopefully before 2028, though.

Other Comics

In the meantime, before I get any of these planned regular comics going, I can (and probably should) occasionally draw random one-off comics. So yeah, I'll probably start doing that, and post them here and maybe on a dedicated site.

The Very High Seas

I've posted a few character designs for another animated project, a (planned) children's cartoon called The Very High Seas. I've had some second thoughts about this, though. Not about doing the project—it's still something I hope to make some progress on at some point. But... well, The Very High Seas is intended for kids, and most of my other projects, like Soup and Teras Terrace, aren't. (I mean, there's nothing X-rated in them, but certainly at least PG.) So I'm thinking maybe I should come up with a different pseudonym to use for my kid-oriented projects. This is something I am not a stranger to; "Alun Clewe" is already a pseudonym, and I have many other pseudonyms I use for other things for no particularly good reason. But I haven't come up with the pseudonym I want to use for my kids' animated projects yet.

(Yes, projects, plural; I have others in mind besides The Very High Seas, but that's the one I've posted about the most.)

So, anyway, I may still try to get some work done on The Very High Seas, but if I do I probably won't post about it here. Maybe I'll make a new blog for that pseudonym. Or maybe not. We'll see.

Other Animation

I do have some adult-oriented animation ideas, too, though. I think I've posted about at least a few of them, like "The Ambassador". I do still want to do something with those projects, too. But they're not especially high priorities right now. Like I said, I have too many projects I've been juggling as it is; I have to focus and not try to do everything at once.

Games

Also, I want to make video games. Again, though, not one of my top priorities right now.

My Website

I have a website at https://www.alunclewe.com . I have never developed the website. There is almost nothing there, and it looks awful. This needs to change.

That is all.

[isabellehemlock]

Happy One Year Anniversary to The Old Guard 🎉🎊👏🏻🥲❤

I just wanted to take a moment to say how much the movie means to me and share my love for the fandom 💕

Thanks to TOG I reentered fandom for the first time in over a decade (#momlife), when before I maybe liked and sometimes reblogged some stuff here and there, now I've essentially turned a decade old personal blog into a fandom blog haha. Also before, I maybe did some rpging online but it wasn't really a social thing, and posted a few original stories on fandiction.net like fourteen years ago 😅

Technically I joined AO3 almost six years earlier (I need to update my bio), but as the screenshot says:

TOG helped me work up the courage to post!

SO, I started writing - here's my first original post I posted for the fandom (a meta about the potential interfaith marriage possibilities between Joe and Nicky). Because of the feedback, I felt encouraged to explore the idea in my very first fic I posted that very day! And I - haven't really stopped since 🙃

Oops.

I've shared a few times, but writing has been a wonderful therapeutic outlet for me, both creatively but also to explore possible repetitive themes that I come across and discuss in therapy as well. Of course, I also have written crack fics haha, but in general, as my therapist says, "You must have had a lot to say, and found a way to say it."

So, even though I'm slowly sliding into other fandoms (though in the peripheral of TOG since it's only crossover AUs for Luca/Marwan characters atm), there's simply no way I cannot think of this movie fondly that has helped me feel comfortable to share, be vulnerable, and make friends during such a hard time to boot (side eyeing the pandemic hard).

Some of my favorite fics have been the ones that explore themes of communication in relationships (both platonic and romantic), love languages that can help people feel seen and heard, as well as explicit consent, healing after trauma (and that the path isn't always linear), and aspec sexuality (I projected my demisexuality hard in some fics yo). If you want to check some of them out - though really no pressure, I'm very humbled to have had as much support as I've received over the last eleven months! - here are the top four based on hits:

Endless Ocean [ link ] - Joe and Nicky AU (hands down the no. 1, and would not have happened without @shadowhannibad plotting - she came up with half the plot points! And betaed every.single.week for five months!!)

Crimson Moon [ link ] - Joe and Nicky AU

The Purpose Of Art [ link ] - Found Family AU

Cleanse [ link ] - Joe and Nicky post canon

But I think the favorite aspect I've found among fandom, are the friendships I've made. I've joined servers - I actually never had discord before! - and have several people I talk to every day, who inspire me to create (and now fan art, too?!), joke, laugh, share with, and I love on and hopefully encourage as well (I'm very blessed and want to give that right back ❤).

I'm also very grateful for the love that's been given to me here - the likes and reblogs and sweet hashtags people have left me on my fics and art, you loves are wonderful and I am so happy to hype and cheer you on as well 💖

Right now, I have a super long WIP spreadsheet that will keep me busy through September (maybe even October), and I'm so looking forward to continuing to share with you all - and see what this fandom continues to produce, because y'all are awesome.

Thank you for all the content you've created that has brought me joy, made me think, and encouraged me along. Much love to you 🥲

[stanleywbaxton]

You Can't Just Tell Me the Company's Paying For Lunch, Sir

My current job's alright. I design marketing emails, and besides wanting to hold the developers of outlook responsible for several war crimes, have a decent time with it. It's not what I want to do in the least, however. I desperately want to write for a living.

If the multitude of essays on very niche topics hasn't clued you in.

But regardless, until someone offers their magnanimous hand down from the heavens and offers me a job it works, I suppose. I'm given an inside view into the wretched underbelly of capitalism, and eight hours of my day are dedicated to producing nothing of value, to a pseudoscience based on outdated psychology and smoke and mirrors, that my knowledge of the occult has given me a better understanding of its workings than any tangible art grounded in human decency, but it works. I suppose.

The thing is, what makes this job a standout is how it contrasted with my last. That one was,

unique,

to say the least.

It was also a marketing position. The only thing, the owners were idiots. They were the quintessential small business couple who wanted to own a business for the bragging rights of owning a business. Brains so rotted with capitalism that any human connection was seen as a networking opportunity. Thought quoting old white men notable for being nazi sympathisers made Line Go Up. Used their employees for marriage counselling. You know the kind.

They also thought none of their workers would notice that half the clients we worked with were their side businesses.

I can really drive the point home to anyone with an inkling of HTML knowledge. The company made a huge point on its email marketing expertise. For starters, no-one on the marketing team knew HTML. I comprised 100% of the collective knowledge, and took all of it back when I quit. There were web developers on a different team, but they were strictly confined to changing hex values in premade wordpress templates. Cross-team help was limited to asking where someone saved a PDF last, lest they caught the ire of management and something about 'noise levels in the office', while they shrieked at full-volume tiktoks one desk over. So, what did the marketing team do?

They designed a 600 by several thousands pixel image, exported it lossless, set this behemoth of a file as the whole email, and linked it up with an image map.

For those not in the know, this meant they were sending emails that:

Were inaccessible for people using screen readers

Were inaccessible for people with slow internet

Were inaccessible for anyone using outlook

Were unable to have any text copied if it, say, had a promotional code

Almost exclusively contained promotional codes

Were ugly (unrelated, they just were)

Broke the law since the unsubscribe button didn't work

When I saw this, and that the apprentices on the team were being taught to make graphics using powerpoint, I immediately knew I needed a new job. That was day two.

The good part was they were very much in agreement. This was a Kickstart position, and for those who haven't heard, Kickstart is a government scheme in the UK. A business applies to be part of it, offers entry-level positions they have open, and gets them advertised to job centres. The government subsidises the salaries for these positions at minimum wage for six months, and gives the business a lump sum for filling it and getting a graduate off Universal Credit.

If you see the obvious exploit here, that's what my then-employers did.

The job starts off great. Our bright-eyed employee finds themselves fitting in quite well. Their boss loves them. Their coworkers love them. Oh, Lord, this is a lot of work, but everyone loves them! Month after month of glowing reviews, certainly worth being worn to the bone, and the job centre gets nothing but happy smiles all around. Suddenly, in the last month their 'performance' takes a 'nosedive', and by their next review they 'need to book their ideas up'. So coincidentally as the subsidy ends they're booted off the payroll. 'Not the right fit for the company', or something. By the time they realise what's happened they're back on Universal Credit with their labour already exploited.

So to go from this—a job where legal lines were played with like double dutch, the owners' dogs pissed in the entrance (a real, actual thing that happened, as the owners had three dogs that they refused to train, and instead of paying money for a dog sitter they were given full run of the office and all its cables), half the team sneered at a trans woman on x-factor but so miraculously didn't notice the lack of a bulge in my jeans—to a job where I got a pack of haribos as a welcome gift, was quite the stark shock.

It had been two weeks by this point. Still settling in, still getting all my duties in order. They were introduced one-by-one, another stark difference, and I was working about half of what my full job would be. This was going well. I could do this.

The head of the social team sends a message to everyone in the office. "Because we have a bunch of new guys," she said, "we're going out for lunch!"

Ah, from my old place I'd learnt this was 'we want to go on a date but need to write it off as a business expense, and we'll use this as leverage to never give you a pay rise', but considering this company wasn't family-owned, and the meet was organised by someone whose job it was to do this, it seemed to start on a better foot. I check my wallet for—

"It's all paid by the office," she answers to someone else.

...They, them, are paying?

Surely not. I'd heard tales from my mother's workplace going on trips and lunches and all manner of events, but my old job stamped out any delusions that would happen to me. Not without a significant payment out of my own pocket.

But if they are...

It Was a Brewdog

If you've never been yourself, Brewdog is a pub chain. I know little of it beyond this one trip but the immediate vibe of this place was mid-range luxury that's still trying to be rustic, but not rustic enough where it starts looking poor. Unmarketable. You know, your typical millennial shite that would fit right at home on instagram.

But I walked into this place with a plan. I was going to eat. I was giving myself a king-sized banquet and not a penny of it was coming out of my pocket.

This was mistake one.

I must stress, I don't have a large appetite. I just like making corporations pay for things.

My plan starts off superbly. We're given a menu, and I see a wonderful range for me to pick at. Mostly burgers, which gets me excited. The only thing that would have gotten me more is pizza. Conversation between us runs through what everyone does and doesn't want.

"They've got deep fried oreos!" the guy sitting next to me says. "Man, I really want those."

This inspires me. I love desserts! Of course I need to have one. I'd never had deep fried oreos, and if I didn't like them? Not out of my pocket! Nothing lost.

This was mistake two.

My order is thus:

Loaded fries

A pretentiously-named double bacon cheeseburger

Deep fried oreos

Yes, this seems like a lot for lunch. But my reasoning was sound, and at this moment was a fantastic plan. I was going to swap what I was having for lunch and tea. I'd have something big now and once home just have a sandwich to round off my day.

This was mistake three.

The stage is set; orders are taken. We then get to drinks, which I say I'm happy with water.

The person organising the trip interjects. "You're just having water? Do you not want anything?"

"Nah," I say. "I don't drink."

I should note, this isn't out of some moral code or health reason. It's simply because I don't like beer, and most pubs don't have fruity drinks. In both meanings of the word.

"Not even coke?" she continues. "Are you sure?"

"I don't like fizzy drinks when I eat out. They fill me and I don't enjoy the food."

Which is completely true, if I'm eating a lot. I was giving myself a three course meal here. I knew I couldn't expend useless calories on a drink.

This was the only thing I did correctly.

We continue light chatter for a while. Inane shit. Some meals come out, and because of course it is the oreos are the first thing I receive. I put them to the side.

Funny enough, I end up talking about my last job to someone higher up than me. I gave him the basic rundown. You know, exploiting the labour of young workers and running off with thousands of tax-payer pounds, when the tories are so desperate to tell you the person too disabled to work is the one claiming away your money. 

I don't say that, instead saying I had a six month time limit to find a new job. I'm sure he got the subtext.

He shook his head in response. "I never understood why companies do that."

Because of capitalism. This is another thing I don't say, because I don't want upper management to know I'm a pinko.

By now the food started to arrive, several waiters coming to us as a party of 17. I look over to the other one of our tables being served first, wondering what the small commotion was. 

This is where my problems begin.

These things are not burgers. They are monuments of hubris demanding—being made only for this purpose—God to strike them down, that were called burgers just because they happen to be made with the building blocks of a burger. All of them have knives rammed through their cores. The bun touches the handle.

When the plates actually reach the people who ordered them, the conversation switches instantly to how they were supposed to be eaten. They were too big to pick up in your hand. They were too tall to cut into with a knife.

I then realise, no-one else has ordered a double.  Mine will be even taller.

Oh, I think.

I've fucked up.

But the true magnitude of my fuck-up doesn't become aparant at first, because the first thing I'm given in this batch was the loaded fries.

Alright, don't panic. This is doable. I've had bigger meals. Probably.

The fries are a small dish, so I think I've lucked out. A small thing before I tackle the Tower of Babel. I can do this. But, I distinctly remember these being pretty expensive. For some chips, anyway. Maybe it was the fact they were covered in enough sauce to drown a small village that did it.

I eat one, do that cursory thing where you mention how it's nice to someone nearby while they do the same with their own dish, and continue to drill the mantra in my head. I can do this. I can do this. They tasted really nice, and reminded me of the deep fried ones my grandad made. I can do this!

Then I spot something, under the gap made by the fry now sitting in my stomach. I was expecting more fries, as you do. The thing you would most expect in a bowl of fries under the first layer of fries would be more fries. 

This was not a bowl of fries. This was a Trojan Horse seeking the end to my gluttony named Troy.

There are three chicken strips hidden under the fries.

They were in the small print on the menu, I later found out. And the reason they were much pricier than you'd expect. My mind was so captivated on reading 'loaded' and thinking of all the wonderful things that could entail, I did not read further to see what that entailed. 

And of course, they're covered in sauces, garnishings, and probably a whole farmer's field worth of greenery as well. This was loaded, in every way possible.

Well,

There's no way through this, except my stomach.

There's a specific feeling you get, when you're enjoying something you know is manifesting your doom. I pecked my way through those chips, indulging myself on the sauces, knowing that each time I swallow was only making the inevitable future where I have to eat that burger even more difficult. Every chicken strip I put into my face inches me closer and closer to burning in a hell of my own design, despite its juiciness and crunchy skin.

Maybe it's what oil barons feel.

The burger comes to me when I'm nearly finished with the fries. It's taller than I could have possibly imagined. 

You see, I was expecting something bigger than everyone else's. I'm not an idiot. A double cheeseburger is bigger than a regular cheeseburger; clue's in the name. But I did approach it in a manner I thought was rational. A patty was, what? About a quarter of the full burger? A third, if it's a bit chunky? More meat, and meat is filling, sure, but it couldn't be that much bigger.

These patties could have competed with the bricks that built the wall behind me.

The vegetables were barely there. The vegetables might as well have taken the day off. These patties, dear god, felt like they were specially selected to make an example of me. Some people on my table notice the size, and start joking about how tall it is compared to theirs.

I try laughing along. Hah. Ha hah. Funny. Yeah, it is funny. It's funny. Look how big it is. Funny!

The laugh was not from my belly, as it wept for its future.

Okay. Strategy time. I'd finished a majority of the fries, and could spin some tale about how I was so excited for this burger that I jumped straight into it. Then, I got full and didn't go back for them. I can do this.

I'm then faced with the same question everyone else ran through moments ago. How the hell do you approach this? Grabbing and shoving it to my mouth was completely out of the question. The entire thing would fall apart.

So I opt for something entirely different. I yank the knife out, and take the top bun off with one of the patties, and now I have two open-faced... 

Is open-faced burger a thing?

Google says yes. Grand.

Which really shows just how much of a terrible idea this was. Now I have two burgers to take on. But regardless, with some kind of approach to eating my monument to hubris, I pick up one, and bite.

It's greasy.

This was not a normal greasy. I've had greasy burgers before. I've been to America. Texas. Whataburger. That thing I thought was the peak of grease.

I was wrong. Have you ever eaten something greasy enough that the grease actually feels like another ingredient? That your teeth pierce through it like a layer of cheese? Not even the bun, or pitiful state of the vegetables could help me now. Both were soaked through. The bun passes better as a kitchen sponge.

After one bite, one bite, I felt full.

I'd never experienced this in my life. I will stress, again, I do not have a large appetite, but when it comes to (and someone else is paying) I can eat. I could consider it a talent, almost.

But here's the problem when you're eating on someone else's dime. You know when you, yourself, make a bad decision? That's entirely your fault. If you go to a new spot that ends up being a bust, or make an impulse purchase you immediately regret, or order too much food at a restaurant, you get to wallow in your own self pity and kick yourself over what an idiot you've been. It's only your wallet that's affected.

This was not my wallet.

The thing is, I'd never been faced with this dilemma before. Before when I'd eaten a bunch when others were paying, I ate all of it. No exception. Sure, it was basic tat like McDonalds or Taco Bell and that one time we went for sushi, but I ate every crumb I got out of their coin. I was so caught up in the chance for another one that I hadn't even considered the moral dilemmas that could come with it.

What was I supposed to do? Not eat the food they'd just spent God-knows how much on? Get invited out, as one of the new guys inciting this whole gathering, and order a metric fuck-load just to say: "Actually, no thank you. I appreciate you spending all this money on me, but, honestly? I'm just not feeling up to it."

I couldn't. I'd only been here a few weeks. I couldn't destroy what little good reputation I'd built up.

So I chew.

And chew.

It's the little twinges of enjoyment, that get me. By every metric, yes, this is a good meal. It tastes good. I enjoy eating it. The flavours dance around on my tongue and I'm reminded how much I love burgers. Then my stomach cries out to me that this isn't right. I've never eaten this much before. We're reaching uncharted waters. Terrible, terrible, terrible things are going to happen if I keep going.

And I chew.

I drink gulps of water, as if it helps.

I chew.

I listen to the conversations around me to give my stomach a break, which does nothing.

I chew.

I'm only halfway through this thing. It doesn't matter what strategy I go for. Smaller bites for less volume. Larger bites to trick myself into thinking it's going down quicker. Every bite feels like a workout and layer and layer of grease packs onto my lips.

Oh, good God. Why did I do this to myself—

"Hello," someone says.

"What?" I respond.

"It's me. A voice in your head of dubious psychological origin, and another sign you need to hurry up on finding that therapist," it says.

"Oh, you? What's your purpose this time? Laughing at my misfortune?"

"Encouragement. Cheerleading, perhaps."

"For what? Eating a burger?"

"Of course!" it bellows. "You can't just tap out now. You have a reputation to upkeep! Your family is known for their appetites, are they not?"

"That's not something for us to be proud of. We have an unhealthy relationship to food through a combination of reasons I refuse to detail in an essay designed to be comical." 

"Too scared to bare your soul again?"

"We're also more well-known for the basketball," I add.

"Yes, perhaps, but does that mean you're about to give up?"

"I also think the basketball fuelled the appetite," I muse. "My brother could eat a full buffet after matches."

"Allow me to rephrase this, are you about to be a disappointment?"

"The asthma attack in PE did that already."

"Are you going to be more of a disappointment?"

No.

I wasn't.

"Good man," it says, and retreats back into my subconscious.

I remember I'm sat in a restaurant.

And I fucking chew.

I've noticed something I do. Or my brain does, I should be more accurate. I have a tendency to not remember moments I'm under extreme stress. I was there, and things happened, but in what order and how it happened? Fuck if I know.

This is one of those times. Some minutes pass and my hands are empty.

I look down, lips tingling, undoubtedly an artery clogging somewhere, to see one bun and half of a patty remaining.

You know what? Sure. Victory. I'm declaring victory over this half-eaten burger. This is enough. I'd already resigned that finishing everything was out of the question as soon as the chicken strips ambushed me.

I sit back in my chair. Jesus Christ. Instead of having a moment reminiscing over the nice meal I'd just had I'm swearing on my life how I can never ever do this again. I grab a napkin to wipe my face, which was sat a bit weird, I thought, almost like it was hiding—

The oreos.

Oh.

Fuck.

I couldn't have got something easy, could I? A single cookie? A mint? A cracker? Nothing?

You know, if I didn't pick that napkin up, I might have gotten away with it. I'd forgotten that I got dessert. Surely everyone else had. But no. Now there they were, on their sickly sweet display. Someone else already took notice.

I pick one up and inspect it. I'm not out of the woods yet.

See, I do love desserts. I'm the kind of person who always leaves space for dessert. I love chocolates. Biscuits. Ice cream. The whole lot. As a kid, especially, I always considered the end of the meal the best part.

This day almost killed my love of them.

Then, I remember something. A saviour is here. The guy to my right, the one who said he was interested in the oreos.

"Hey, you mentioned wanting to try these. Would you like one?" I say as a masked cry for help.

"Oh, no, you enjoy them," he says with a smile, completely unaware of what he's just done. "Thanks anyway."

"Ah," I say, my hand trembling. "If you change your mind, just shout."

He does not.

The worst part, those oreos were good! When I wasn't focusing on what they were doing to me. They tasted like rich cocoa and cream with the texture of freshly made cake. "This is delightful," my mouth said. "I love warm desserts! Brownies, chocolate chip anything straight out the oven, treats that melt as you chew into them. This is delightful!"

"I feel like I'm traipsing through hell while the devil pisses on my face," my stomach said.

Somehow, dunking the oreos in syrup makes it easier. It's this runny chocolate thing, and I don't care what it actually is, besides the fact it's helping right now. I fail to reason why. It's extra calories. It should be causing even more protests in my stomach.

Against all odds, I chew. And I chew.

I pop another one in my mouth, and I chew. Another one, and I chew. Another one...

There's one left.

Fuck it.

It's Done

If I get diagnosed with an intolerance to anything, this will be a day I think back to. I'm half expecting to keel over randomly in the street, wake up in a hospital, to find myself with half of that fucking burger stuck inside my liver and an incurable allergy to anything that was on that thing.

And you know what? I won't even complain. I'll take a good, honest look at my internal organs and say: "You know what, guys? Sure. I'll take this one. I might not have deserved the asthma, but I'll take this one."

The walk back to the office there's a grey tinge to my vision. It's an absolute miracle my heart didn't give out. When I get back, on the company message board someone mentions my 'impressive appetite'.

...Should I be embarrassed by that?

Oh! I'm not a woman anymore. I shouldn't!

It took several days before any sense of appetite returned. I went through meals, only getting through factions of it before tapping out. That feeling of having absolutely no sense of hunger is one of the most alien things I've experienced. When the moment came that I could eat a ham sandwich without wanting to immediately eject it out of my food pipe I celebrated.

Of course, I would not be so much of a fool to make the same mistake more than once. Especially with what it did to me. I may miscalculate my ventures, but I learn from my experiences. Even if our office—any office!—was paying, I will never, never overeat to such an extent again.

So at the Christmas party, we ordered Domino's—