#and I haven't had the energy to write in my journal for months

[iloveyoualivegrl]

[divinely-glowing-stardust]

Little rant because my gods how I love the gods.

So, I have been relly stressed lately and haven't really had time and energy to do regular offerings or to dedicate much time to worship. But now everything calmed down a bit and I have two weeks of down time and I decided to actually sit down and do some worship.

I finally started filling the journal I specifically bought as my deity journal months ago. I hate starting new journals cause my adhd makes it hard to actually use them regularly which is why I kinda started hoarding empty ones like some sort of dragon. But now that I've started it's really fun.

I took a day to work on a general overview for Lord Apollo since he was the first deity I worshipped and actually prayed before going to sleep. It's been so long since I've felt that connected to him.

The next pages are for Lord Hermes which I started yesterday. Today, since it's wednesday (Hermes' day of the week) and all I had the plan to go swimming for the first time in two years. I know I enjoy it but I struggle with new environments and since I am quite visually impaired without my glasses it's like extra stressful until I actually am in the pool. I asked Lord Hermes to accompany me and help me fight my anxiety. (Funny enough, I have been stressed about this since yesterday and today my horoscope told me "You don't have anything to prove to anyone. Not even yourself." Fitting since I felt like everyone who I've told that I wanted to go swimming would be disappointed if I didn't. Cognitive distortion, I know). And lo and behold (how the hell do I write that expression?) it was fun and relaxing and people were nice and I feel tired but really good now. So thank you, Lord Hermes! I'm glad I was stronger than my fear.

Also, on a slightly unrelated note, I asked Hermes two days ago if he wanted to game with me. I couldn't get a clear signal so I pulled out my Tarot deck. The first card was a bit confusing. I don't remember which one but it was ruled by Venus and meant yes. So I asked again and two cards popped out immediately. One Card ruled by Mercury meaning no and one more ruled by Venus meaning yes. So I guess Aphrodite likes gaming? I also spent the time in game to decorate my home which she seemed to like. Definitely interesting. It's the first upg (if I can call it that) that I've come across so that is definitely interesting.

And Hermes felt really excited when we saw a German shepherd puppy and a Robin on our walk together. So that's something as well.

Anyway I hope you're having a nice day! Χαίρε (Can anyone tell me if I wrote that right?)

[callme-adam-iguess]

Vessel syndrome | chapter 1| ep 6

Silent Scream

——

November 3rd

I got a journal! Heavy said it was a good idea to write down my feelings about things and the situation. Thanks big man!

November 29.

I gotta admit, I don't think it's just a cold.

I've been feeling like this for days. Months even, I got a new room now, though it's close to doc's office now.

Well, quite legit in the wall of his office.

 

I could see, that, well.. Everyone is on edge, ispecially Medic.

Pyro visits me a lot along with Snipes.. Hell, even Spy visits more than the others as well.

 

But everything kinda feels... Distant. Is that normal? I hope not.

——

 

The boy was just doodling in the book, he had so much energy yet none at the same time. He didn't know what to do with himself.

He could hear the others talking, more Engineer trying his hardest to not freak out himself as he tried to calm the doctor down. Pyro was there, drawing with Scout even if they were separated by a glass wall.

"Doc, we'll figure this out!"

"Most of zhe time, odd illnezzez like zhis just ztop when vee respawn! Vow could zhis happen?!"

"Please jus' calm down. We'll figure out ah cure, rahgt?"

"I Vope zo.."

"... 'Ay, why don' I ah show ya a lil gizmo ah have been workin' on?"

"Ja..?"

The shorter man quickly left the room to retrieve something

 

Scout wrote on the paper, tapping the glass to get Pyro's attention:

[What's going on?]

Pyro, in turn, quickly wrote back. Even with their horrible handwriting, Scout could understand what they wrote:

[ I don't know. ]

[Doc worried?]

[ yeah :( ]

[what's gonna happen now?]

Pyro hesitated.

Why are they hesitating? Why-

Before Scout could write down his questions, Engineer got back into the room.

"Vhat is that?"

It looked like a little robot, pretty boxy and on it's head was a large tray.

"Ah call 'er Trayvis"

"... Vas zhat a 'pun'?" The doctor said, trying not to laugh at the clever naming.

"Mhm! Punny of me, eh?"

Pyro cringed at the joke while the doctor and the energetic boy laughed at it, though. Scout couldn't laugh for long due to how bad it hurt.

 

It felt like I had been screaming for hours but I know I haven't..

 

Why..?

[urbeastprime]

December (B-Day) and 2024 wrap-up

Heyyyyyyy…… Sorry about the extended silence. Between health anxieties and a lot to work on, I haven't had much of any time and energy for writing. I managed to hammer out one more warm-up, but not much else. I'll probably just bite the bullet and post the last few I have stocked up in the last 2 weeks of the year.

Also, it's my birthday. It's usually not worth much, but it warrants mentioning.

I'd like to try and put some attention on requests I've gotten and… still haven't managed to get around to. Some of them for many years now… At this point even just a short warm-up piece would be something, and I'd be able to get them off my shoulders. Sorry if you've sent me a request and were expecting more, I guess. Or were expecting anything but constant apologies. I'm not very good at this, turns out!

Idk. Not much else feels worth mentioning. I had a good few months of posting, even if it was just shorts. I've about stopped using Tumblr, which I used to be pretty active on, and have been retweeting/(insert equivalent here) various porn on Twitter, Baraag, and (a little bit) Bluesky.

Thanks for reading, both my endlessly apologetic and pathetic journal updates, and my head-empty furry smut fiction. Bye for now~

​

https://x.com/URBeast1

https://baraag.net/@URBeast

​https://bsky.app/profile/urbeast.bsky.social

[wingsmombolo]

Hi Wing, and anyone who may read this. (?)

I have had this account for several years and I haven't really put it to good personal or creative use.

I realize now what a wonderful opportunity I haven't afforded myself by not accepting the Tumbler invite, to " write whatever you want."

My daughter is the writer. I have thoughts, opinions and memories in abundance, but I am not a writer.

Back in the day, I was a pretty good communicator, but seldom wrote of personal topics (for my own sake anyway). I dabbled in creative writing and more often wrote about things I felt strongly about or in response to an event or quotable quote that moved me and seldom from personal experiences.

It seemed indulgent and frivilous to write for my own sake, when life was always so busy and full. I never kept a diary nor could manage keeping up a journal, for any length of time anyway.

So, I plan to try using this space as my own little corner and experiment. I'm going to try being a bit adventurous and explore a bit. It seems like a safe and welcoming space.

I have hope enough to not just dream or reminisce, but plan!

I hope to write discoveries I find in current every day things (which is what makes up most of our lives), as well as reflect on matters long behind me.

Most of my energy and time, I will need to devote living in the present and matters still ahead of me, so I don't really know if I will be posting much of anything. (That is OK since there's no one to disappoint!)

It is just a wonderful thing to knowing I have this opportuity. Hoping for time, and most challenging the energy, to do this now; to express random thoughts and memories, or share other's creative contributions which have touched me and this old soul of mine.

I've been told since I was a young girl that I have an old soul. After passing my 69th birthday in August, I think it is fine that I have finally grown into it!

I have many things I wish to do which may be left undone, but I aim to have few regrets. Regret is a sad and useless emotion not deserving of my energy; better to not let it take hold and let it go so we can keep moving forward. Make things right or better than we found them. Thanking God for whom all blessings flow.

I am not only getting older, I have Multiple Myeloma, a blood cancer that affects bone marrow which produces the blood cells in your body. My cancer was diagnosed early and is not an aggressive type, but my treatment is difficult and complicated because I have other conditions which worsen with chemotherapy, making treatment difficult and limiting available options.

Since there is no cure for Myeloma, continuing treatment to slow its progression is necessary for my wellbeing and if possible extend my life. I had a stem cell ( bone marrow) trsnsplant in 2021, and acheived a partial remission, then followed my maintenece chemotherapy which was suspended after severely suppressing my already compromised immune system. The 20 months off treatment gave the opportunity for my nlood counts to improve enough to have a hip joint replacement (2022) and shoulder joint replaced (2023), both of which improved my quailty of life greatly. I've had some opportunities to visit family & friends and enjoy being in the community again for small periods of time here now and again, ( with precautions ) but mostly I'm pretty isolated most of the time. I'm so grateful to have good friends & family and church family who lift me up and never forget me.

Living with chronic or serious health conditions for most of my full and busy life has been good though. Like everyine, there are good times and difficult times. Like most people, most of my growth have been in difficult times. I thank God for my time and that I am still here by his Grace. I trust in His plan for me.

I'm just taking this bit of time and space for my own sake. To express myself in writing which I won't discard ( I hope), but save here. There might not be a reader, but they will still be here. I writer needs an audience, but since I'm not a writer, if no ones reads these offerings, that's OK.

It will be my collection of Inspirational quotes, images of art, devotions and other ranfom ramblings I've never saved or organized before.

I still have work I need and want to do, for my loving family, treasured friends, church family and adopted community, so I will still devote most of my time and energy toward living fully in the present, appreciating the blessings in my life and staying as healthy as possible. Life is fluid and always feels for me, but the invite to write "whatever I want" motivates me enough try adding this to my day whenver I can!

Prayers & hugs until next time!

[sharingtheprocess]

I wanted to write this two weeks ago

Hey y'all :) I've been spending a lot of time thinking about things that I want to do instead of going out and doing them, so this first post is dedicated to letting my ideas live outside my brain.

When I thought about how I wanted to record this journey I knew I wanted to do some kind of blog. I think my personality better suits vlogs but there is still a part of me that feels a little uncomfortable taking up space in that way. However, I don't want to restrict myself so I'm thinking this will be a place for my ramblings to exist in whatever form (text, video, audio & pics).

As a person with a poor memory I have found archiving events, particularly through photos (but also audio diaries and journaling) really helps me remember myself, my accomplishments, and my trails. So I knew I wanted some kind of informal space to reflect on life in Brazil. I told myself a monthly update would be manageable and yet here I am almost a month and a half in writing my first post 😂. I say all this with no shame- just want to acknowledge that to some I moved and fell off the face of the Earth so I am v sorry for my radio silence.

I think there was a part of me that felt nervous to share & give updates because things have not been rainbows & butterflies. I wanted to have a ton of photos from trips and cool events to show off but tbh a bitch has been in the crib. If anything, I realized this past month and a half has had a lot more to do with me learning how to live with my partner, navigate relationship conflict, be transparent about my needs & in tune with my body. I definitely feel like my time and attention has been more inward and concerned with my home/private life than anything really to do with Brazil.

At first I was frustrated, I felt restricted, disappointed, and irritable. Things just weren't easy and a bitch can list some reasons why:

I don't know the language

My grandmother's health has been a major concern and it feels harder to navigate while being so far away

Missing my friends/community/loved ones

Constantly hearing about phone theft & other robberies and not wanting to look like an easy lick- but also feeling confused knowing my ass did not just come from Atlanta, Philly, and parts of Trenton to be worried about "crime" over here

Struggling with a lack of structure/routine

Thinking that being with my partner would feel like all the times we've vacationed together

I felt insecure about doing things on my own, but I had to embrace that because following other people's rhythm didn't satisfy me. As a person who is already naturally shy and reserved, constantly feeling outside my comfort zone without a new established safe space or outlet has been sooo hard. I would either feel fatigued or high strung from socializing. Too nervous to do things solo or overly concerned with how out of place I felt and how easily my anxious energy could be read by others.

I was constantly denying myself out of fear and minimizing my feelings. I came with a lot of big dreams and aspirations, and I think they are still possible but I'm realizing it just won't be as straightforward as I imagined- and that's ok. I need to be a lot more intentional here and that means putting in the work, energy, and consistency to live how I want.

I've already seen so many things that I've come to love about being here:

I am a five minute walk away from the ocean and living this close to the beach has been so healing for my body and spirit

I eat good everyday!

The party/dance culture here is incredibly liberating

I live in a beautiful black queer ass city

Seeing people w piercings and tattoos as a common/normal body mod is deeply affirming

Space and time feels slower here- it made me restless at first but surrendering to this pace has actually brought me more freedom to be curious about myself, my art, my spirit...

Things haven't been bad but my arrival didn't fit my expectations. I've had a lot of growing pains and mini breakthroughs. Now that I've had more time to adjust I want to play an active role in making my desires match my reality. I know things won't change overnight so I'm glad I'll be here for some time. Thanks for reading & journeying with me 💓

~JC

[sleepy-shutin]

one thing i keep thinking about the more i get out of my isolation and actually start doing things is the fact that i actually like want to have hobbies now. like for fun. before i didn't really do much other than draw, write, watch youtube videos, play video games and scroll through social media. i didn't really do much of anything. now that i have a job and i actually am living my life now, i want to actually have hobbies and it's probably related to wanting to better myself and like get better and move on from the horrible 9 years i spent my life, but like it's genuinely weird to me. i want to have hobbies. i don't always have the energy for them, but i want to do things now. amazing, how having control over your life and doing the things that make you happy and being able to get out of the house like makes you want to be alive and stuff.

like, you know how during covid people started doing things like baking and spending time with their families and all that jazz for like a couple of weeks or months, and then after that everyone started going crazy with isolation and fear and mental health problems? it was like that but stretched over 9 years where at first i wanted to do things, and then i got stuck for several years until towards the end when i was finally allowed to get a job. lol. and even almost 2 years in i still feel like i'm still 'settling' into it, but like i'm getting to the point where i actually want to do things with my life and i want to figure out how to put the things i want to do with my life into my life every once in a while.

and one thing about my insane trauma is that it has made me completely and utterly normal about serizawa katsuya from mob psycho, like jesus christ. there has not been a person normaler about this man than me. i know exactly how he feels about most things and nobody talks about how the isolation affects you and how you become after that many years out of contact with most people and not doing anything. this is the only character that i have ever seen in my entire existence on the internet that has this kind of experience that i also had. having a relatively normal life (don't ask me to define normal), then all of it implodes and suddenly things are different for many years and you don't leave the house or talk to people or do anything. ever. for a long, long time.

and then you come out of it and you're in the same town you grew up in but things are different now and you're a weirdo that nobody remembers because you didn't really leave the house for 9 years, but people at your job are nice to you and treat you mostly normal anyway which is nice.

i don't even know what's gotten into me tonight, i'm just like all over the place and i feel insane and i just feel like publicly journaling about it instead of not journaling about it privately. i haven't journaled about anything properly in months, but it's fine because i'm doing it now i guess.

anyways. tldr, forget reigen. serizawa is my babygirl. i do not have any trauma and i'm very fine and normal.

[life-of-cae]

Hello again, Tumblr!

It's been a while since I wrote here. I remember years ago, I'd pour all my heart out to tumblr. Back then I was still interested in writing and poetry. Those were the days, indeed. Now I feel like I'm back to square one, trying to figure out how to write down my thoughts. For now, I'll just go with the flow.

A lot happened these past few years. Suddenly, I felt like Tumblr is someone I haven't been in touch with and somehow I needed to caught tumblr up. This feels nostalgic. As far as I could remember, the last time I used tumblr was back in college. I tried to retrieve my previous blog, but I failed to do so. I want this to be a routine again, like I always did before. I haven't been writing in journals. Everything is just jam-packed inside my head, I never had an outlet.

Where do I start? Backlogs? Lmao. Everything after graduation. It took me months before I got a job as a Data Analyst. I can remember buying corporate attires and a lunch box (I was so eager to save up as early as I can). My first day was January 2. I asked my friend - who works in Makati - how do they commute going to work. They suggested that I take a Van in Coastal, but me being me, I was too afraid to explore. I've always been a scaredy cat. My parents/grandparents have always been protective of me going out. I view the outside world as a very dangerous and confusing place to be in. I'd rather stay at home, where everything feels familiar to me. Going back, I planned to take the bus that time. Everything did not pan out accordingly. I woke up early so I won't be late, but it was a Holiday, I failed to account that there were few public transport available. This part was a bit blurry, since I can't remember if I ended up taking a van or did I drive to work. But either way, I really felt my independence that day. I met my workmates, they were all smart and awesome by the way! My first day was an 8/10. I still feel nervous and just trying to fake it until I make it. My second day, was really memorable, I woke up really early and tried to take the bus again, and then reality hits me. Commute sucks in the Philippines. We were like sardines in the bus, I was holding back my tears. But yeah, I made it to work alive. I asked my ex-boyfriend to pick me up at work, because my energy just can't. I remember us waiting at the bus stop, but suddenly decided to have a bite in a Tropical Hut nearby. I really like that food chain. Just by entering the Hut, I felt a huge wave of nostalgia. It looks like time ceases inside the Hut. It did gave a vintage vibe, it exactly looks like the fast-food chains where my parents used to bring me when I was child. The food wasn't that great, but the ambiance is what makes me want to go back there every time. I'm not sure if it's still there in Makati.

My first job wasn't that easy. I had to go through a lot. It's like life just slapped me in the face with reality. This is the time that I realized that I have depression. I consider this the darkest moment in my life. Given that my life is perfectly fine in almost all aspects. I end up crying as I walk through the elevated walkway all the way to the station. I never knew the reason why. It came to a point that I had to resign and go to Qatar for a reset.

So that's that. My first post here in tumblr. There are as lot of in-betweens , but I'd rather post them separately. If that makes sense. Hehehe.

[interwoven-invisible-threads]

Journal #8

Time: 4:34pm / Date: 06/30/25 / Location: Home, YC

More than a month as gone by.... updates?

Physical Health: better than ever since March 2025. I had to do another round of antibiotics and steroids with infection symptoms rearing their head again. Now it feels more and more like my body is getting back to 100%. More later.

Mental Health: Doing okay all things considered. The country is going the hell and taking the rest of the planet with it. That is outside the walls of my room. Inside the walls of my space, I am still sad and missing my cat Gracie. It's been about 2 months; feels so much longer. I still cry for her and for me. I haven't gotten another visit as of yet. It is believed that the dead take about a year to get situated in their new existence. So I hope in April next year to get visits from her in my dreams.

Spiritual Health: I have been making moves to engage more with Santa Muerte. I have a tapestry of her behind my bed and my dreams have been re-activated since... I need to do a better job of documenting them. I cleaned my ancestor altar the other day and gave fresh offerings including flowers. I need to spend more time with them. I am also going to take steps this summer to clean and to purge my room. I am starting with my desk and bullet journal supplies. Having clutter and mess in your space has a serious impact on your spiritual health especially when connecting with energies, ancestors, spirit guides, gods/goddesses/etc.

Overall, many things are happening... I hope to be able to write about them soon.

More later and more entries this time around.

[sapphicunicorn]

I haven't done ANYTHING this month :(

Part of me wonders if it's just the comedown after 3 years of a(n overly, highly, incredibly stressful) college schedule, but another part of me knows I'm just full of bad habits.

At the end of May, I made a little "to do throughout June" list and I've kept up with none of those items. I'm behind on my book pics, I haven't written a darn word on anything, and I've read maybe 7 pages of a real book. My usual daily journaling hasn't even happened.

So many people have told me I deserve a break, but I know myself. When I take a "break," I turn into a husk that can't get out of bed. I've had zero energy to search for jobs or grad programs, to apply to any of them, or to just enjoy my free time. I was supposed to be writing silly things and reading everything, but I don't even have the energy to sit through a paragraph.

[crypticauthourwrites]

Cryptic Journal 12 June 2025

charting my way to the next wordcount mines

hiatus over! (twelve days ago so let's do a status report)

The month off was needed. Got less done than I wanted or thought I would. Which is typical.

Read plenty of Urusla K. Le Guin and absorbed as much art as possible. Finally saw Sinners which was incredible. Also checked out how other people did Arthurian characterisation like "Guinevere Deception" by Kiersten White

Now almost half-way through the month, I'm hoping that I'll have all the necessary ducks in order to get started with draft 3 in July.

Already met up with the Illustrator. We both agree with my gut instinct that this will be the last Major Rewrite version from the ground up.

Things to get done before July- - answer questions I wrote during hiatus - have confirmed character details (blurbs and vital details) - have confirmed reference sketches - world terms and definitions - how information is distributed through draft 3

so far the first one has been done. Illustrator and I are touching base once a week. Right now I'm trying to finish character blurbs and the Illustrator is doing monster reference sheets.

With the 15th around the corner I want to start ironing out the info distribution cause I feel that might be the biggest headache. Wish I had a giant board where I could lay out post cards and separate them out using conspiracy string.

Concern for me is we haven't restarted, but I'm already struggling with motivation.

Not in a "I want to put the project down". I do want that. I want to write other books. It's more "should" statements that appear in cognitive-behavioural therapy. I keep tying up my own energy in what I "should" be doing.

I should be working on WHN. That's the main project. I should be updating the two fics I through up on AO3 during the hiatus. I should be making time on the other books I want to be working on. I should be working on the short story for Pride.

And in those SHOULDS doubt seeps in.

Doubt that shackles my hand entirely. Each word out is less a flow and more a painful carve into a stubborn rock.

While I keep making my efforts forward, I'm hoping to find that thing that inspires me past this fog. Put away the shoulds and such.

Here's to another week 👍

[lordrotten]

Discipline during days of despair

My state of mind often swings to the extremes. On days that I feel good, discipline seems effortless to me where I'd get everything done by merely following my impulses. Contrarily, there are some days, in fact most of the time, I'd feel terrible where even a facile chore such as taking a shower feels like climbing a mountain. All the progress I've made in my life can be credited to the former, which had turned me blind towards my lack of diligence.

I never had to train myself to work hard because I never needed to do so ever in my life. I was too proud of my natural capabilities that I refused to work on my flaw. As a result, I haven't accomplished anything that I'm proud of. I'm speaking of accomplishment from a sense of personal fulfillment, and not society's. I've rather become merely somewhat good at certain things. I used to praise myself for having developed these skills in the very little time and effort I had put into, but in retrospect, I find that to be nothing short of a coping mechanism for my failures.

According to my observation, during my days of despair, I could sense a sort of a barricade between my will to do something and the act of doing that task. For example, despite a strong desire to write, I wouldn’t be able to translate it to action due to my lack of willpower to break through the blockade.

If I do not fix such days, I’ll never change and will continue to disappoint myself. Gladly, I had just experimented a method which could be an antidote in case I sense a lack of dopamine.

I woke up feeling quite normal today. I got out of my bed a couple of minutes later and finished all of my morning routine which felt good. I also read a few pages of Thomas Bernhard’s Wittgenstein’s Nephew. Then, I wished to do some push-ups but I lacked the motivation to do a difficult exercise. So, I warmed up a bit with stretches and jumping jacks but they weren’t enough. At last, two sets of crunches gave me a sense of accomplishment and I gained the motivation to finally perform some push-ups, and I pulled it off.

The method is that if I don’t feel motivated enough to do a task that I wish to do, I should finish smaller related tasks and gradually increase my motivation to the point where I can accomplish the main task.

If not for this method, today’s morning would have likely transpired in the opposite direction. I would’ve stayed in bed longer while browsing my phone, I wouldn’t have read Bernhard, and I certainly wouldn’t have worked out. On top of that, there is absolutely no way I could’ve journaled these thoughts and actions. Instead, I would’ve remained sulking, browsing web, playing games, draining my motivation down further and further, and would’ve convinced myself that today’s just another bad day and vainly hope that I can gain my momentum tomorrow.

It’s a cycle of behaviour that doesn’t cease easily. A ‘bad’ day often becomes a week, and sometimes a fortnight, although I’m glad that I never had a terrible month, credits to my random bursts of energy.

Differentiating a positive action and its negative counterpart requires nothing more than a tinge of self-awareness. I should ask myself two questions: “Is it my duty to perform this task?” and “How will I feel upon completion of the said task? Will I feel positive emotions such as feeling energised, focused, happy, satisfied, etc., or will I feel drained?” If my answer to at least one of these two questions is true, I should carry on to do it. If both are false, it’s best to categorise it as a negative action and avoid it entirely.

Social media feeds, for example, drain my will, which can be solved by using plugins to block FYPs, so I can use those websites exclusively for messaging my friends. Taking a stroll energises me, and hence I should do it frequently considering that it’s such an easy task with profound results.

Anyways, I hope that I’d finally sort my issues out, and even if this method fails me, it’s always good to experiment. Cheers!

[acheittilyoumakeit]

/ just a short journal to remind myself I'm doing good; 05.03.2025 I miss posting here, I feel like I haven't had much time to write or much things to say, lately. The last couple of months have been so tiring I got my heartburn back. I haven't read much, either, but I'm still on it, and once I'll finish my current book, you can bet I will post about my readings. Anyways, I want to write here a bit, because today feels somewhat kinder. I see my thesis project moving forward, I see time I can spend studying without worrying I won't make it. And then, there's this. Yesterday I wrote my first - reasonable - 700 words of a scene after god knows how much time I've felt completely stuck with my writing habit. I've felt inspired and, most of all, I've felt I had the energy and the concentration to put out some ideas and mold them into something I like. I've felt like I was finally saying something, for the first time in months, maybe years. And I can't wait to go back to that sheet on my pc and keep going. I can't wait to continue reading my current book, too. I can't wait to see my friends. Today I've also bought concert tickets to see an Italian singer with one of my besties. I can't wait to go to concerts.

[pastramimommy]

3/1/2025

I was supposed to be doing a journal entry once a month and it is now March so clearly I'm slipping. This month was very overwhelming with my first round of tests for the semester, my first immersion in Baltimore, Jacob's baby shower all while working full time and trying to date. It felt like I was getting dragged behind a bus while it was happening but everything turned out great, I did well on my tests, and I am alive. I was really feeling like I had slipped on most of my goals for myself but upon looking at them in writing, I am actually doing okay. Trying to be gentle with myself for momentarily slipping on the diet and exercise, plus I got right back on the horse immediately as tests were over. Now that I know what to expect from these classes I know what I need to do to be more efficient with studying. I am very proud of myself for being the 5-6 am riser that I’ve always aspired to be, bc I can actually get a substantial amount of work done in the morning without sacrificing too much workout time and feeling like I’m falling behind. What really has been suffering is all the little non-time sensitive things (house improvements, decorating, planning trips, etc).

Pole is going very well and I'm seeing so much progress. It has truly become a very life giving and therapeutic hobby for me. I love the studio I'm at, developing friendships with some of the people and I think I'm almost ready to get my first pair of heels!

Spirituality has taken a hit the last few months, since my morning routine has changed and I haven't made time for my morning reflection. If I can wake up even 15 minutes earlier I will have plenty of time to work this in. I literally woke up 30 minutes earlier every day last semester so I don't see why my body can't channel that energy lmao I am actively working on the church search, I've gone in person to one that I like so far, it feels much more high stakes now since I know I'll be living here for a very long time so I need to find a spot that I can actually get involved.

I’m still doing a shit job checking my budget lol idk why it’s so hard for me! I’m saving money nevertheless bc my spending habits are pretty good. But I would like to have a better idea of where I am at throughout the month. The thought of going part time soon and watching my funds dwindle is very scary but I know I’ll be okay.

As much as this job sucks for a number of reasons, I am so grateful for it and I know God gave it to me for a reason. This is 100% the experience I need to bridge myself to a more permanent job, hopefully at ucsd. I have been really working the ucsd connections at the VA and I am hopeful it will get me a solid part time gig in GI. That is all I can hope for right now.

The social life is a challenge BUT I have made a substantial effort. I've been finding fun things to do around SD and trying to get people to join me and shamelessly asking people to hang out as usual. What’s hard is that it really feels like I have to choose between dating and cultivating friendships bc in reality I get about 1 social event per week. And per usual I have a bunch of random friends but no cohesive group and idk how to (or if I want to) consolidate.

My dating approach the last few months obviously has not been working so I think I need to pivot. After Emmanuel was the first time I actually kinda felt disheartened, I’ve been extremely positive and optimistic until now. Getting my reps in by doing the apps when I’m on a break from school was great in theory lmao but I think the apps have allowed me to be so picky and takes the romance out of things. It makes me feel like I’m seeking a business deal instead of fun or romance lol but honestly I kind of am? I know it’s best for me to stop looking for the person who meets all the “requirements.” The situation with Emmanuel was evidence that you can meet all the requirements and it still doesn’t feel right. The brian situation supported this statement as well. Thinking I need to just hang out with friends, keep putting myself in new social situations and hope for the best. Idk how many times I need to hear that it usually happens when you’re not looking for it. That’s what happened with Chris! I just need to shift my perspective on dating right now and really take it to heart that it’s very possible that the right one might not check all the boxes. But which of these boxes am I willing to give up? And am I truly asking for too much?!

[lapeaudelamemoire]

Okay, spit out thoughts time.

I'm pretty sure I'm having insomnia.

Second night now in a row that I've been tired and unable to go to sleep. Just on my phone staring at Tumblr or other apps, refreshing, scrolling.

Constantly aware of the time.

Not going to work tomorrow either because the receptionist called to ask if I needed another day off to rest, and the mould removal treatment people are coming tomorrow at 7am, and I don't know if they would be done in time, and we've had to move things so that they can do the treatment, which means there will be moving things back later; and I gave and figured that yeah, given all that, I probably should just take the damn day off.

I'm happy and unhappy. I'm happy and grateful for all that is in my life — husband; my job which I love, with a great boss and good work culture, it's supportive and understanding; that I don't have to worry about my next meal and really if I stop the scarcity mindset that I have lots of money in the bank, actually, honestly, just that it's in my other, Singaporean bank account, and not my Australian one here. I have good friends and people who care about me and who ask after me and that I know I can go to if I need help, who reach out to me every now and again.

I'm also incredibly, horribly burnt out. There are so many pressures, expenses that are due; and, again, if I just give up the scarcity mindset and really take a step back, I know it will all be fine in the end, I'm just so used to being hard on myself, making things hard for myself. But there are also real things like the fact that I don't have the capacity to address everything that is coming my way what feels like non-stop �� it's a matter of bandwidth. I want some time off and everything feels like it's being asked of me right now. I know I can slow down and yet it doesn't feel like it, and in some ways there are very real deadlines, like the student visa expiry date and the course completion date. Yeah, I can extend those things, but those are the admin things that feel so endlessly coming my way.

There are so many things I want to do and it doesn't feel like I have the time or energy to do it all in one go; and I still haven't quite learned to do things over time because I've always done things all at once and then taken a break. But that's not how adulthood works.

I know the stress is breaking me down because the flares are worse, and now this insomnia. I can feel my shoulders are tense with the build-up and I think the last time I could think clearly was a few months ago; the indecisiveness; the choices I make not always the best, just skirting by; finding it hard to articulate what I want and actually opening my mouth to communicate what I need.

I know I can't put things off indefinitely, and simultaneously I don't know how to get a chunk of time off as an adult, that I feel I need, or want.

Trouble sleeping because there are things I need to put down first, like getting some things off my chest. I used to sleep so well when I used to journal before bed, or at least it feels like that maybe, or maybe I'm making that up. But it's true I can't sleep well when there's so much to do, my mind churning, it keeps me up.

Not sleeping because I needed to write this in the quiet of my own company, before husband came over. The thoughts have gotta go somewhere, pounding out at the door of my mind.

I guess maybe because the nights are when I'm so used to writing myself out. The time it feels quietest. The day has so many feelings and hang-ups of 'productivity' and obligations hung on its every minute; it never feels like mine alone. But the nights belong to oneself, or so it feels, anyhow.

[simbelmyne20niniel]

Hello, I humbly apologize for not sending you an ask yesterday. Your Santa was so exhausted after a whole week that I couldn't understand English correctly. But I'm back in business! And don't worry, I can wait, I understand that you have life outside tumblr 💜

It really is if you're that much into linguistics. I wish you the best of luck if you decide to do a Master's degree!

It's like a serial number for a book, so every book and journal won't get lost. ISBN is like an ID number 😆 Oh yes, Poland is a beautiful place. Once we're off anon I can show you my place a bit. I have a bunch of photos if you'd be interested! This is the first time I hear about this woman, but hey, I'm glad you enjoy her videos, haha!

Look at that, David made another good thing, I'm so happy that Kate had such a good start! I'm not that much into Kate's music, but what you say about her albums and the colors is really interesting. Wouldn't ever think about it this way. Yep, Kate had so much fun with the photos, that's why they are timeless!

Oh, three more bands in common, nice!

Nope I didn't, I don't have Disney+, plus (haha) I need time to get into The Beach Boys more. Third year of university is so time consuming and energy draining that by the end of the week I just want to play some games or watch a movie and forget about everything. But thank you for telling me about this documentary, I'll just borrow my bestie's account and watch it in the future.

Another Moonie fan?! OMG, YES! I so agree with you that Keith and Bonzo are the best drummers of the past century and in all honesty I still haven't heard a better drummer than them. I love Keith's laugh so much, omg, there are a few fragments where he laughs circling on tumblr and I watch them a few times in a row whenever I see them 🫠

Hahaha, I've stumbled upon this audio in the last month when I was in a state of "I need to see and hear more of him" so I went on YouTube and found this gem. Honestly, only Keith could come up with such a gem of a comedy!

What else do I like about The Who - besides Keith and his drumming, damn, that's a difficult question 😂 In all honesty, there is a lot that I like about them:

lyrics - I'm someone who doesn't listen to lyrics, I pay most attention to drums, but The Who's lyrics are on another level. I think the best example of that is the entirety of "Quadrophenia" - the way this album speaks to me on a personal level, I've never encounter something like this before. And if not this album, then there are fragments of lyrics in songs that I like. For example "Who Are You" has a wonderful fragment that I love, "Love is Coming Down" is beautiful from beginning to end 🥹

Roger's voice - he's a strong second favorite vocalist of mine, his voice has just the range that I love. I really can't explain it

their stupid behavior on stage - I find two things hilarious about them. First is the fact that everyone goes bonkers and John is like "I'll stay here, no one will hurt my bass" and second can be summed up with this: "There's the entire freak vibe of The Who, but atop all this is Keith Moon". The things he did on stage are so funny, I love every second he's shown on camera - I even love his drunk mumbling when he constantly interrupts Pete when he's talking. I always remember the fragment where Pete was talking about something and Keith was like "You're not going clubbing with me, not with this outfit, you look like a bloody plumber" I love this guy so much, you have no idea

Tommy - yes, this gets a separate paragraph, because of two things (again). First, they made a musical out of it (as in there's a movie) and second, Keith Moon as Uncle Ernie. I said to myself a year and a few months ago that it's the end of me falling in love with fictional characters, but he happened and I ended up loving this pervert to the point of a writing a fic with self-insert with him, I'm that obsessed - Keith is making miracles happen, I'm telling ya

Anything else you like about The Who, perhaps? 👀

Ah yes, Labyrinth! I remember watching this movie once and I was charmed by Bowie, literally! The way you portray David is beautiful. He was all about what you're saying and yes, he was humble. I may not be a big fan of his, but from the small interviews I've seen of him he seemed to be a really nice guy who was always crossing the boundaries - which is good, society shouldn't put limits on you in any way. The part about pleasing people is so real. It's better to be yourself than to try to make people around like you.

"Any Led Zeppelin concert" is such a mood of an answer!!! It might be possible to lose hearing after that, but it would be so worth it!

As for today's question: Tell me what you like about The Beach Boys, Def Leppard and The Doors. I'm genuinely curious!

I completely understand you!! Last week and today were heavy at my workplace, full of things to do and helping with the "Christmas Carols" event. But now I can finally breathe. Yes, please!!! I'd be more than happy to see all those pictures!!

Yeah, I totally recommend it (the documentary) to you. I learned facts I didn't know about. "Help Me Rhonda" is a great song!!! The other songs you mentioned are cool too!! For me, "God Only Knows" is the one that lives rent-free in my head. The lyrics, the music, the harmonization, all those sounds combined are just perfect. 

I know that if he were still alive, Moon would have been a special guest on RuPaul's Drag Race. I believe I know which Tumblr post you're referring to. Moon was messy and goofy, so chaotic xD. I love watching "Who Are You" video, how Moon is laughing with the others, and the fact that he had to stick with tape the headset tells you what a beast he was with the drums! I like this video of  Moon, I think it was so nice of him to do that for the kids.

Yes Moon and the "plumber" joke HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHH He was right on that, tho... hahahahahhah "You look like you've come to mend the electricity". He had a great wit for making jokes. Again, if he were still alive he would do a lot of shitpost on his social media hahahahhaha.

What I like about The Who... let me start from what you wrote.

We both have "Quadrophenia" on the same level. That album is peak, PEAK!!! "Who's Next" is my second favorite album by them. I agree with you about their lyrics. Townshend and the others did a great job on that. And yes, TOMMY is just a masterpiece. I think that the evolution in their lyrics shows that they were trying to do something more than just songs, they started to write around a concept that led them to this great rock opera, that is Tommy. Tommy is ageless, and keeps inspiring younger generations. Like Green Day, they took Tommy as one of their inspirations when they were working on the "American Idiot" album.

Their behavior hahaahhahahhaha, I love them so much for that. YES!!! John, most of the time, was so calm on stage. I like him that much because of that!!! I once read that he had really hard chords on the bass. From what I see, he made them look easy. He is one of the bassists I like the most. "There's the entire freak vibe of The Who, but atop all this is Keith Moon" facts!!!!

Roger's voice and hair are cultural heritage of rock

And I need to read that fanfic!!!

Songs I love:

Behind Blue Eyes

Who Are You

Squeeze Box

The Real Me

This scene, this gown, this song...... are one of my Roman Empire

From Def Leppard is the sound of guitars, I like them!!! They're so 80s'. When I'm cleaning or going to work, they're one of the bands I choose to listen to. Their sound is so vibrant. My favorite member, Rick Allen, plays drums with passion and with a great sound and is an inspiration <3 

From The Doors... Jim, He was at the moment when people were trying hard to make a change in society. He embraced all this counterculture, all this psychedelia and put it in his work. He was talented in his writing skills.

This is a moodboard I made this year, but I totally forgot to post it until today hahaha.

What do you like about The Doors and Def Leppard? What other bands do you like?