#and I haven't had the energy to write in my journal for months

[decadentdeviation]

What's the coping mechanism move, boys?

[iloveyoualivegrl]

[academicazura]

31 / 250 days of productivity • June 27th peep my very Midsummer-y Santa cup

so i've been picking up my pieces these past weeks, and i honestly haven't had the energy to even post much of anything but it's getting better so i'll probably be getting back here slowly <3

i started a study journal today. i included some month overviews, books to read (for school), exercise tracker (for overall well-being but also training), hobby ideas (for well-being) and ofc a master syllabus with color-coded course codes. going to finish the syllabus tomorrow and then after that i'm adding a study log.

i made everything in the journal so simple: no pretty hand-writing or the perfect pen or notebook. the whole point is to get as much done as effectively as possible and then afterwards have this record of it to remember it and take something with me for future projects.

anyways, i promise i will get back to my study content soon, i just can't believe this is how i'm spending my summer. but i'm trying to be fine with it!

today i

started a new notebook for study tracking purposes! i hope it'll work out as well as i'm imagining it

went for a walk first time since Midsummer, felt so good even in the heat

watched so much tv as well, i'm obsessed with my Father Brown rerun - it's like free therapy (and i’ve also hooked my mom into watching with me, whoops haha)

🎧: No Pressure Over Cappucino, Alanis Morissette

[the---hermit]

Can you tell that I took these in two different day? Cause it's raining again today ugh. As a gardener very happy about it, as a human who should be productive not that happy at all.

31|05|2023

24/50 days of productivity

You've guessed it, it's another complain about the book I have to study day. I swear I am not this whiny usually, but this book is turning me into a monster. I did finish reading it, but now having to go through all the stuff I have highlighted to write notes seems like an even bigger struggle. I gave up when I wasn't even halfway into everything this afternoon. I will be working on it tomorrow morning, with hopefully a bit more energy, but it's really a struggle, and it's making me so mad? I haven't got this angry at something I had to do in a while. I can't believe this is happening, especially regarding a course on topics I like? I hate how this book is making me feel about my skills, I hate how hard I have to work on it and how much I am struggling with it. I have zero motivation, and my focus is non-existent. Even when back in March I had to read those two terrible books for another exam I didn't struggle this much. I know that tomorrow morning I'll be pissed at myself for not having done that much this afternoon but I really couldn't take it anymore.

Productivity:

read and highlighted the sixth chapter of the book I am studying

read and highlighted the last chapter of this behated book

started writing down notes for these last two chapters (the goal is to be done with everything tomorrow morning, and then to move on studying protohistory of the rest of this week)

updated my reading journal

listened to the latest episode of re:dracula

bare minimum practice of Irish on duolingo (and i got the monthly badge at the last minute, didn't i'd make it this month and yet)

Self care:

read first thing in the morning

tonight I'll go out for dinner with a friend I haven't seen in a while

📖: She Who Became The Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan (It is a crime that I have to study and I cannot binge read this because it's so addictive, and I am regretting not picking this up in the reset weekend I just did. I am loving everything about it so far and I cannot wait to continue reading it)

[callme-adam-iguess]

Vessel syndrome | chapter 1| ep 6

Silent Scream

——

November 3rd

I got a journal! Heavy said it was a good idea to write down my feelings about things and the situation. Thanks big man!

November 29.

I gotta admit, I don't think it's just a cold.

I've been feeling like this for days. Months even, I got a new room now, though it's close to doc's office now.

Well, quite legit in the wall of his office.

 

I could see, that, well.. Everyone is on edge, ispecially Medic.

Pyro visits me a lot along with Snipes.. Hell, even Spy visits more than the others as well.

 

But everything kinda feels... Distant. Is that normal? I hope not.

——

 

The boy was just doodling in the book, he had so much energy yet none at the same time. He didn't know what to do with himself.

He could hear the others talking, more Engineer trying his hardest to not freak out himself as he tried to calm the doctor down. Pyro was there, drawing with Scout even if they were separated by a glass wall.

"Doc, we'll figure this out!"

"Most of zhe time, odd illnezzez like zhis just ztop when vee respawn! Vow could zhis happen?!"

"Please jus' calm down. We'll figure out ah cure, rahgt?"

"I Vope zo.."

"... 'Ay, why don' I ah show ya a lil gizmo ah have been workin' on?"

"Ja..?"

The shorter man quickly left the room to retrieve something

 

Scout wrote on the paper, tapping the glass to get Pyro's attention:

[What's going on?]

Pyro, in turn, quickly wrote back. Even with their horrible handwriting, Scout could understand what they wrote:

[ I don't know. ]

[Doc worried?]

[ yeah :( ]

[what's gonna happen now?]

Pyro hesitated.

Why are they hesitating? Why-

Before Scout could write down his questions, Engineer got back into the room.

"Vhat is that?"

It looked like a little robot, pretty boxy and on it's head was a large tray.

"Ah call 'er Trayvis"

"... Vas zhat a 'pun'?" The doctor said, trying not to laugh at the clever naming.

"Mhm! Punny of me, eh?"

Pyro cringed at the joke while the doctor and the energetic boy laughed at it, though. Scout couldn't laugh for long due to how bad it hurt.

 

It felt like I had been screaming for hours but I know I haven't..

 

Why..?

[wingsmombolo]

Hi Wing, and anyone who may read this. (?)

I have had this account for several years and I haven't really put it to good personal or creative use.

I realize now what a wonderful opportunity I haven't afforded myself by not accepting the Tumbler invite, to " write whatever you want."

My daughter is the writer. I have thoughts, opinions and memories in abundance, but I am not a writer.

Back in the day, I was a pretty good communicator, but seldom wrote of personal topics (for my own sake anyway). I dabbled in creative writing and more often wrote about things I felt strongly about or in response to an event or quotable quote that moved me and seldom from personal experiences.

It seemed indulgent and frivilous to write for my own sake, when life was always so busy and full. I never kept a diary nor could manage keeping up a journal, for any length of time anyway.

So, I plan to try using this space as my own little corner and experiment. I'm going to try being a bit adventurous and explore a bit. It seems like a safe and welcoming space.

I have hope enough to not just dream or reminisce, but plan!

I hope to write discoveries I find in current every day things (which is what makes up most of our lives), as well as reflect on matters long behind me.

Most of my energy and time, I will need to devote living in the present and matters still ahead of me, so I don't really know if I will be posting much of anything. (That is OK since there's no one to disappoint!)

It is just a wonderful thing to knowing I have this opportuity. Hoping for time, and most challenging the energy, to do this now; to express random thoughts and memories, or share other's creative contributions which have touched me and this old soul of mine.

I've been told since I was a young girl that I have an old soul. After passing my 69th birthday in August, I think it is fine that I have finally grown into it!

I have many things I wish to do which may be left undone, but I aim to have few regrets. Regret is a sad and useless emotion not deserving of my energy; better to not let it take hold and let it go so we can keep moving forward. Make things right or better than we found them. Thanking God for whom all blessings flow.

I am not only getting older, I have Multiple Myeloma, a blood cancer that affects bone marrow which produces the blood cells in your body. My cancer was diagnosed early and is not an aggressive type, but my treatment is difficult and complicated because I have other conditions which worsen with chemotherapy, making treatment difficult and limiting available options.

Since there is no cure for Myeloma, continuing treatment to slow its progression is necessary for my wellbeing and if possible extend my life. I had a stem cell ( bone marrow) trsnsplant in 2021, and acheived a partial remission, then followed my maintenece chemotherapy which was suspended after severely suppressing my already compromised immune system. The 20 months off treatment gave the opportunity for my nlood counts to improve enough to have a hip joint replacement (2022) and shoulder joint replaced (2023), both of which improved my quailty of life greatly. I've had some opportunities to visit family & friends and enjoy being in the community again for small periods of time here now and again, ( with precautions ) but mostly I'm pretty isolated most of the time. I'm so grateful to have good friends & family and church family who lift me up and never forget me.

Living with chronic or serious health conditions for most of my full and busy life has been good though. Like everyine, there are good times and difficult times. Like most people, most of my growth have been in difficult times. I thank God for my time and that I am still here by his Grace. I trust in His plan for me.

I'm just taking this bit of time and space for my own sake. To express myself in writing which I won't discard ( I hope), but save here. There might not be a reader, but they will still be here. I writer needs an audience, but since I'm not a writer, if no ones reads these offerings, that's OK.

It will be my collection of Inspirational quotes, images of art, devotions and other ranfom ramblings I've never saved or organized before.

I still have work I need and want to do, for my loving family, treasured friends, church family and adopted community, so I will still devote most of my time and energy toward living fully in the present, appreciating the blessings in my life and staying as healthy as possible. Life is fluid and always feels for me, but the invite to write "whatever I want" motivates me enough try adding this to my day whenver I can!

Prayers & hugs until next time!

[sharingtheprocess]

I wanted to write this two weeks ago

Hey y'all :) I've been spending a lot of time thinking about things that I want to do instead of going out and doing them, so this first post is dedicated to letting my ideas live outside my brain.

When I thought about how I wanted to record this journey I knew I wanted to do some kind of blog. I think my personality better suits vlogs but there is still a part of me that feels a little uncomfortable taking up space in that way. However, I don't want to restrict myself so I'm thinking this will be a place for my ramblings to exist in whatever form (text, video, audio & pics).

As a person with a poor memory I have found archiving events, particularly through photos (but also audio diaries and journaling) really helps me remember myself, my accomplishments, and my trails. So I knew I wanted some kind of informal space to reflect on life in Brazil. I told myself a monthly update would be manageable and yet here I am almost a month and a half in writing my first post 😂. I say all this with no shame- just want to acknowledge that to some I moved and fell off the face of the Earth so I am v sorry for my radio silence.

I think there was a part of me that felt nervous to share & give updates because things have not been rainbows & butterflies. I wanted to have a ton of photos from trips and cool events to show off but tbh a bitch has been in the crib. If anything, I realized this past month and a half has had a lot more to do with me learning how to live with my partner, navigate relationship conflict, be transparent about my needs & in tune with my body. I definitely feel like my time and attention has been more inward and concerned with my home/private life than anything really to do with Brazil.

At first I was frustrated, I felt restricted, disappointed, and irritable. Things just weren't easy and a bitch can list some reasons why:

I don't know the language

My grandmother's health has been a major concern and it feels harder to navigate while being so far away

Missing my friends/community/loved ones

Constantly hearing about phone theft & other robberies and not wanting to look like an easy lick- but also feeling confused knowing my ass did not just come from Atlanta, Philly, and parts of Trenton to be worried about "crime" over here

Struggling with a lack of structure/routine

Thinking that being with my partner would feel like all the times we've vacationed together

I felt insecure about doing things on my own, but I had to embrace that because following other people's rhythm didn't satisfy me. As a person who is already naturally shy and reserved, constantly feeling outside my comfort zone without a new established safe space or outlet has been sooo hard. I would either feel fatigued or high strung from socializing. Too nervous to do things solo or overly concerned with how out of place I felt and how easily my anxious energy could be read by others.

I was constantly denying myself out of fear and minimizing my feelings. I came with a lot of big dreams and aspirations, and I think they are still possible but I'm realizing it just won't be as straightforward as I imagined- and that's ok. I need to be a lot more intentional here and that means putting in the work, energy, and consistency to live how I want.

I've already seen so many things that I've come to love about being here:

I am a five minute walk away from the ocean and living this close to the beach has been so healing for my body and spirit

I eat good everyday!

The party/dance culture here is incredibly liberating

I live in a beautiful black queer ass city

Seeing people w piercings and tattoos as a common/normal body mod is deeply affirming

Space and time feels slower here- it made me restless at first but surrendering to this pace has actually brought me more freedom to be curious about myself, my art, my spirit...

Things haven't been bad but my arrival didn't fit my expectations. I've had a lot of growing pains and mini breakthroughs. Now that I've had more time to adjust I want to play an active role in making my desires match my reality. I know things won't change overnight so I'm glad I'll be here for some time. Thanks for reading & journeying with me 💓

~JC

[sleepy-shutin]

one thing i keep thinking about the more i get out of my isolation and actually start doing things is the fact that i actually like want to have hobbies now. like for fun. before i didn't really do much other than draw, write, watch youtube videos, play video games and scroll through social media. i didn't really do much of anything. now that i have a job and i actually am living my life now, i want to actually have hobbies and it's probably related to wanting to better myself and like get better and move on from the horrible 9 years i spent my life, but like it's genuinely weird to me. i want to have hobbies. i don't always have the energy for them, but i want to do things now. amazing, how having control over your life and doing the things that make you happy and being able to get out of the house like makes you want to be alive and stuff.

like, you know how during covid people started doing things like baking and spending time with their families and all that jazz for like a couple of weeks or months, and then after that everyone started going crazy with isolation and fear and mental health problems? it was like that but stretched over 9 years where at first i wanted to do things, and then i got stuck for several years until towards the end when i was finally allowed to get a job. lol. and even almost 2 years in i still feel like i'm still 'settling' into it, but like i'm getting to the point where i actually want to do things with my life and i want to figure out how to put the things i want to do with my life into my life every once in a while.

and one thing about my insane trauma is that it has made me completely and utterly normal about serizawa katsuya from mob psycho, like jesus christ. there has not been a person normaler about this man than me. i know exactly how he feels about most things and nobody talks about how the isolation affects you and how you become after that many years out of contact with most people and not doing anything. this is the only character that i have ever seen in my entire existence on the internet that has this kind of experience that i also had. having a relatively normal life (don't ask me to define normal), then all of it implodes and suddenly things are different for many years and you don't leave the house or talk to people or do anything. ever. for a long, long time.

and then you come out of it and you're in the same town you grew up in but things are different now and you're a weirdo that nobody remembers because you didn't really leave the house for 9 years, but people at your job are nice to you and treat you mostly normal anyway which is nice.

i don't even know what's gotten into me tonight, i'm just like all over the place and i feel insane and i just feel like publicly journaling about it instead of not journaling about it privately. i haven't journaled about anything properly in months, but it's fine because i'm doing it now i guess.

anyways. tldr, forget reigen. serizawa is my babygirl. i do not have any trauma and i'm very fine and normal.

[nerdydowntherabbithole]

Okay, I've sent a lot of asks talking about my stuff, but I need to take a moment to say thank you.

I've only recently got into making art, and up until now it was slow going. Sometimes I just wouldn't have the energy to draw, or I straight up couldn't think of anything that I wanted to draw. But then I stumbled onto "Taking Life As Is" and it energized something in me.

I've been pumping out new art of completely original creatures at a ridiculous rate, taking the time to actually research real life animals for reference, something I've rarely had the patience to do before.

I can't believe it's only been 3 days since that ask where I came up with One Thousand Silent Eyes, the first OC to ever leave my brain. In 3 days, I've filled eleven whole pages of my journal. That blows my mind.

So thank you. Thank you for the wonderful story in a fandom that is desperately short on those, but more than that, thank you for inspiring me. For the first time in years, I'm creating things for myself, instead of consuming things made by others.

Without your wonderful story and constant shared excitement for not just my ideas, but everybody's awesome ideas, I don't know how long I would have gone without that drive to create. Thank you. <3

(Sorry if this is too serious or self-important, I tend to ramble when I need to express what I'm thinking. Dont feel any pressure to answer this if you dont want to!)

HI HELLO. UH. I needed to go lay down for a min after this so I didn't just outright start bawling my ACTUAL eyes out in a /srs way. And I just can't say enough how little my expressions of gratitude will not live up to the feelings I got. I can type abt screaming and sobbing all I want but AUGH that does NOT live up to it. So all I can do is say thank you thank you THANK YOU. Like I've stated before, I started TLAI as just. A silly little fix it fic that, I am going to tell you now, I thought I would barely get over 100 kudos in like. A month or two. My writing experience is basically sequestered to fandoms that have zero members other than myself and my dear friends, making small drabbles for said friends. AND UH. YEAH. AS YOU CAN SEE IT HAS GONE A LITTLE OUT OF THAT RANGE BY NOW. It is ABSOLUTELY guys like u that keep me motivated and confident in my own work. It is beyond the highest honor for me to ever hear that I have actively inspired ANYONE, honestly. Especially to this degree. It is BEYOND wild. Especially because your stuff is so GENUINELY massively awesome. It is so cool. I would have never guessed that you haven't just been doing this forever. SO UH YEAH. MUTUAL SAP. IM TAKING YOU BY THE SHOULDERS AND SHAKING YOU. THANK U SO MUCH. I NEED TO GO AND CRY NOW.

[life-of-cae]

Hello again, Tumblr!

It's been a while since I wrote here. I remember years ago, I'd pour all my heart out to tumblr. Back then I was still interested in writing and poetry. Those were the days, indeed. Now I feel like I'm back to square one, trying to figure out how to write down my thoughts. For now, I'll just go with the flow.

A lot happened these past few years. Suddenly, I felt like Tumblr is someone I haven't been in touch with and somehow I needed to caught tumblr up. This feels nostalgic. As far as I could remember, the last time I used tumblr was back in college. I tried to retrieve my previous blog, but I failed to do so. I want this to be a routine again, like I always did before. I haven't been writing in journals. Everything is just jam-packed inside my head, I never had an outlet.

Where do I start? Backlogs? Lmao. Everything after graduation. It took me months before I got a job as a Data Analyst. I can remember buying corporate attires and a lunch box (I was so eager to save up as early as I can). My first day was January 2. I asked my friend - who works in Makati - how do they commute going to work. They suggested that I take a Van in Coastal, but me being me, I was too afraid to explore. I've always been a scaredy cat. My parents/grandparents have always been protective of me going out. I view the outside world as a very dangerous and confusing place to be in. I'd rather stay at home, where everything feels familiar to me. Going back, I planned to take the bus that time. Everything did not pan out accordingly. I woke up early so I won't be late, but it was a Holiday, I failed to account that there were few public transport available. This part was a bit blurry, since I can't remember if I ended up taking a van or did I drive to work. But either way, I really felt my independence that day. I met my workmates, they were all smart and awesome by the way! My first day was an 8/10. I still feel nervous and just trying to fake it until I make it. My second day, was really memorable, I woke up really early and tried to take the bus again, and then reality hits me. Commute sucks in the Philippines. We were like sardines in the bus, I was holding back my tears. But yeah, I made it to work alive. I asked my ex-boyfriend to pick me up at work, because my energy just can't. I remember us waiting at the bus stop, but suddenly decided to have a bite in a Tropical Hut nearby. I really like that food chain. Just by entering the Hut, I felt a huge wave of nostalgia. It looks like time ceases inside the Hut. It did gave a vintage vibe, it exactly looks like the fast-food chains where my parents used to bring me when I was child. The food wasn't that great, but the ambiance is what makes me want to go back there every time. I'm not sure if it's still there in Makati.

My first job wasn't that easy. I had to go through a lot. It's like life just slapped me in the face with reality. This is the time that I realized that I have depression. I consider this the darkest moment in my life. Given that my life is perfectly fine in almost all aspects. I end up crying as I walk through the elevated walkway all the way to the station. I never knew the reason why. It came to a point that I had to resign and go to Qatar for a reset.

So that's that. My first post here in tumblr. There are as lot of in-betweens , but I'd rather post them separately. If that makes sense. Hehehe.

[landwriter]

For the fic ask: 1, 6 and 13 if you haven't answered them already! For Oaths, my most beloved fic with the best setting and premise and gorgeous writing ✨ thank you!

Ahhh you're making me blush!! Thank you Haz!

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way? 'This way' could have a lot of connotations here, i.e. 'insane', 'with too much apple research', 'given to sporadic bouts of verse' -- but I think the answer for all of them is sort of the same:

I got brainworms over Tam Lin + Dreamling, which were blessedly contagious and caught by @that-banhus, who did And Ask Not Leave Of Any (read it! it's SO good!!). Those brainworms plus that Brand New To Fandom Energy plus having just (entirely unintentionally) been in that part of the world a couple months prior, and listened to approximately 20 hours of the Stories of Scotland podcast whilst driving around said part of the world -- including a history of Border Reivers -- left me frankly no other choice but to be super extra about it all and decide to myself that I would try and do a Tam Lin x historic Borders retelling that was Poetic And True And Beautiful. By then I was already innoculated with the gateway drug of Middle English from works like @moorishflower's gorgeous Maybe sprout wings, so I had also become aware that a) I loved stories that borrowed from older language, and b) there's actually fabulous dictionaries out there that will let you find said words and when they're from and how they were used. Which is to say: when I started Oaths, I don't think I was capable of writing in any other way.

It was really just this like, perfect storm of thirst for research, existing knowledge, energy and time, and some slightly unhinged convictions about making it Feel Real. Wiser people than me have advised that it's generally helpful to not be precious about ideas, but the fact I was just hopelessly, helplessly fuckin' precious about it undeniably shaped how I wrote Oaths.

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics? Oh thank god, I've answered that above, I think, so this doesn't have to be TOO long hahaha. Just the sheer level of madness, geographic and historic detail, verse, etc. Also maybe something that's not in any of my other fics: describing my absolutely gut-aching love for land. One of my favourite compliments is that it's got a sense of place as a story, because it does, and I want it to be FELT. I want to evoke emotions not just from relationship angst or tender friendships, but from descriptions of landscape and how we move among it. I want everyone else to feel BODIED by a sunrise or a walk in the woods in early spring. I'm insane about it, in truth. There's lines in Chapter 2 taken directly from my journal when I was traveling in Scotland earlier that summer hahaha.

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading? While I don't listen to music while writing, I actually DID make a playlist (first and only time I've done so) for the mood of it; it's a lot of folk song, ballad, and oral histories from both English and Scottish sides of the borders. I would also be remiss not to mention @mathomhouse-e's INCREDIBLE and beautiful Oaths playlist. There's some songs on there I think I listened to like 20 times in a row while editing scenes!

(behind-the-scenes fic asks)

[scientia-rex]

I feel like I haven't been writing enough lately, not in the sense of needing to write a story--although God knows I haven't been doing that either--but in the sense of writing like I used to, in journals, to try to untangle my mind. There are dangers in writing down what's been happening and trying to make sense of it. It's easy to find myself steering by whatever is easily verbalizable, and to be drawn to the anxiety provoking and depressive.

But when there are a lot of things happening at once, and particularly when a lot of people who aren't me have strong opinions about me and what I'm doing and what's happening to me, that don't jive with what my own opinions about the situation are, sometimes it's nice to have the chance to try to unspool it. Am I a bad person? God, what a boring question! But I keep asking it and I keep trying to answer it, without success. As if I'd be capable of truly believing that I'm a bad person, no matter what I'd done. No one is. To exist is to be the end product of millions of years of evolution without the need for self-justification. Our philosophical attempts to determine whether our existence is worth it are just the thinnest possible layer of paint over a giant boulder of very, very old instincts to survive.

The tension of depression is, if you ask me, often the tension between the idea that maybe I am a bad person, against the deeper fundamental knowledge that I am not. And that knowledge isn't real knowledge--it's not coming from some real place--but it doesn't have to be. It is simply a thing our brains take for granted, like down is down and up is up, and you can fall down but you can't fall up. If I'm a bad person, shouldn't I kill myself? But no matter how deep the self-hatred runs, no matter how painful it is, it is also coming up against that ancient instinct for self-preservation, absolutely screeching in your mind like a railroad spike dragging over rock, and you cannot settle it. You can never settle it in favor of self-hatred. Suicide ends up being this response that depends on catastrophic moments; real suicidality can't last. The intensity of the urge ebbs away if the attempt is prevented by even a few minutes.

I have no idea how many patients I've seen after suicide attempts; it's too many to count, by now. But that's how it is. It's a moment that passes. Even if the self-hatred remains, because whatever led to the attempt isn't magically fixed, it's back to the ceaseless tension rather than unbearable certainty. And suicide is an attempt, very often, to fix that tension. People who look from the outside at someone who's so depressed they're catatonic think it must be a calm state, but it isn't. It's a hell of conflicting impulses. The impulse to love yourself against the impulse to hate yourself. The feeling that if you moved, you'd do something so horrible that you must not move.

I've been thinking a lot lately, so this is what I did everything for? I spent seven years in various circles of Hell so that I could be a doctor. Training to be a doctor was awful. It's bad for almost everyone, and it was horrendous for me, with my history of anxiety. Over and over again I thought about suicide. And over and over again I didn't go for it. I always had reasons. Sometimes they were very, very small. A new book. A cat to play with. Sometimes they were huge. I wanted to move home to a different kind of hell and take care of the queer and trans youth there in a way no one else would or had before. So I didn't kill myself, and I kept going, and I finally graduated residency. I thought, okay, maybe there's still lots of stress, but as I'm in practice longer, that will get better. Right?

And it's been 15 months now. And I'm depressed, and I'm tired, and I'm thinking, this? This is what I was holding out for?

But it isn't, really. I'm doing some of the things I meant to, but I'm also changing clinics because I feel like the one I'm at took all of the energy and time and love and, yes, money I threw at it--I made menstruation stations for the bathrooms at work, I put up little shelves and stocked them and re-stocked them over and over again with tampons and pads and Poopourri--and still tried to fuck me over four times in quick succession. And then asked me why I was so angry, and blamed me for my anger. Zero self-recognition or reflection.

And with changing clinics comes all of this guilt, all of this weight. And fear: what if it doesn't work out?

But I still have something to hold out longer for. I have this step next, and then when my commitment for partial loan repayment is up (it will still leave me with 220,000 dollars in educational debt, and that is with me having completely paid for undergrad between my scholarships and my parents and me working) I have another step. At that point I can drop to part time. And then I have another life to look forward to. More sleep. More hobbies. More writing.

Life is going to get better. For me; not necessarily for everyone. We need to make it so life gets better for everyone, but at least for now, for me, I can look at a time ahead where I won't want to die so much and so often.

I have very few good things to think about right now. Any direction my mind wanders down, there's guilt and fear. But there is going to come a day when I am living something much closer to the life I want to live.

[mtsilvermute]

Red’s Journal - Entry 12/14/2022

I dreamt that I was back at school, its walls as comforting as they were claustrophobic, and the air was filled with dandelion dust and heady notions of fortunate futures. I woke up to find that I'd left my bedside table lamp turned on as I slept, and I stared into its soothing sun for a moment before my eyes couldn't bear the brightness anymore. I folded over a spare pillow, held it to my chest in half-woken need, and rocked myself to two extra hours of dreamless sleep.

It's a miracle that I'm able to function throughout the winter when all I want is rest. Indeed, when I woke up for the second time, I lay in bed for thirty minutes contemplating the efficacy of rolling out of it. But I was motivated by a freezer meal that my mother had sent to me alongside my latest grocery pick-up, so I moved to the kitchen and ate my fill. I'm partial to anything that conjures the essence of a garden, and her latest pasta creation—in all its green-filled glory—was no exception. Thank you, mother, for caring for me when my climate doesn't.

I have little to report except to repeat that such a dearth of activity is by design. The winter is unbearable atop the mountain: I arrange my aforementioned grocery pick-ups at noon on their respective days so that the sun is brightest and the wind less blasting, but it can only do so much. At least Espeon and Charizard provide some much-needed warmth.

I'm journaling on a Wednesday after forgetting Monday and Tuesday amidst some prior plans, and because I'm still gathering the intellectual energy necessary for daily writing. It's astounding how I used to do this so regularly, but I shouldn't be so hard on myself: Writing requires muscles, and I simply haven't worked them in a while. I'm sure these entries will grow in scope and substance as I regrow the requisite strength for them to do so.

What else is in store for me today? Once again, there is little by design, though I should emphasize as well that the League disallows challengers to venture up the mountain during December, January, and February due to the extreme cold. This creates a "slow season" followed by a deluge of challengers in March and April. The reason this schedule works so well for the League and its Leaders is because the constant winter holidays foster many an opportunity for Trainers of all ages to challenge their local Gyms. Surely those who ascend to Champion status are a little more dedicated than your average weekender, but you'd be surprised how many would-be Champions are simply waiting for the right moment to score their final badge. Thus, we essentially waitlist challengers as the winter months go by, and then March and April fill rapidly as they're finally able to make it up the mountain. (There's a more involved bureaucratic process that defines the semantics of scheduling their battles, but I don't care to detail it at this time.)

In short, I shall enjoy my slow (and snow) season before the avalanche of responsibility buries me in battles for two months on end. And I haven't so much as touched on the plans of the Johto Conference lurking in the back of my mind... But that doesn't matter so much to me right now. I'll reconnect with the Johto League later: Until then, I will curl up in my living room as I watch a nature documentary that reminds me of gentler times and warmer climes. Thank you for understanding my absence, journal. I'll see you sooner than you know.

[audrinawf]

audri help me! I'm so overwhelmed I can't get out of bed. I have graduated from college a year ago and I still don't work, I feel like I haven't learned anything and that all jobs require minimal knowledge. then I tried to make a study plan, but it seems that I need to learn so much, that I'm so late that I want to do a thousand things during the week and it's driving me crazy! I can't imagine myself in a calm, slow routine because my brain is screaming WE'RE LATE! THERE IS NO TIME! THERE IS NO TIME! and it paralyzes me in every possible way. I can't even stop and breathe and plan just the basics. it's killing me this anxious need and this feeling that time is passing and I can't do anything with it.

Hi! Okay so first of all brace yourself cause my answer is going to be so long lol but anyways I just had a similar conversation with a friend just yesterday and I was telling her that it’s so important to remember that you cannot always achieve everything you want in one single day. I’m ngl I feel like your feeling a lot and that’s cause I have adhd so time management isn’t my strongest skill. You can’t excel at 5 different things on the same day. Some days you need to prioritize work and some days you prioritize the gym and that’s normal. One thing that really helped me was realizing that I’m not a type A personality, I’m not a perfectionist and I’m not compulsive so I wasn’t going to compare myself to those types of people and make myself feel bad. Some people just have it in their dna to do 537 things in one day and that’s fine but if that’s not your strength don’t worry.

You need to stop thinking that you’re late. Quit that thinking right away. You’re not late. And even if you feel that way just know that 6 months of focus and determination can set you forward much more than you can imagine. I wasn’t doing jack shit for two years during covid so from 2020 to late 2021 I was living at home miserable while a lot of people younger than me were out there starting business and doing lots of cool things. But you know what happened since November 2021? I moved twice, I own my own home, I’m the youngest in my friend group to do so and the first in my family since my parents have rented their whole lives and on top of that I traveled 4 times in less than a year, I got engaged and learned probably 5 new hobbies in less than a year. I thought I was late too but I wasn’t. I’m just telling you this cause you can actually achieve more in 6 months that you’ve done in years. Please be patient and have faith.

And now onto why I think you should do in the meantime, I think you need to start meditating even if it’s just for 3 minutes a day and do some light working out. I know it’s not fun but I promise that it clears your head so much and give you so much energy to do more throughout the day.

One thing that’s helped me a lot is to for one do a daily brain dump so I just take a blank paper or journal and write everything I’m thinking, it doesn’t even have to be in any order but just imagine taking all your anxious thoughts and placing them on paper. You don’t even have to read it just throw it away if you want. So once you’ve written down all the noise in your brain the second thing I would do is to get a timebox journal. You can Google time box journal and just print the ones you find online or if you message me privately I can send you my time box that I created cause I use it every single day even when I’m just chilling cause it really helps you see how much you can achieve in one day and it helps you better your time managing skills.

But please remember that for one you need to quit your mind first of all. Second you need to make small changes every day. I wasn’t even 1% as productive a year ago as I am today. I’ve incorporated small changes and small but productive habits to my daily routine for a year

Hope any of this helps you <3

[thatrandomgamingnerd]

To recap the shitty time I'm having:

My father that I haven't spoken to in years is having surgery for the 4th time since I stopped talking to him

I just had my disability made fun of to my face for two weeks straight by several dozen different strangers

I have worked 13 consecutive days straight, about 10 of which were 12 hour shifts

I'm extremely jet lagged

My physiatrist dropped me

Haven't had a therapist appointment in 2 months cause she forgot about me

My mother has a new heart problem

I can feel my heart problems acting up

I just lost one of my best friends over a misunderstanding

I keep have less and less energy to keep up with anyone or do anything I enjoy

My roommates life is a mess right now so I can't talk to him about any of this

I just had to fire someone for the first time and it went SO poorly even our HR department said it was the hardest and longest termination meeting she's ever had

One of my employees might be dead

Another employee one might be dying

My boss hasn't been around for 2 months and won't be around for 2 more months so I have no help at work

I can't watch the event I've been looking forward to for a literal year

I could have gone to said event instead of watching if I wasn't bad at planning

I feel incredibly isolated and alone.

If you see this no you didn't. Especially if I know you irl. It's just too dark (like literally dark, the lights are off) to write in a journal and writing in the notes app isn't as cathartic as screaming into the void.

Just gonna have a big cry, maybe get some sleep, and carry on like nothings wrong tomorrow as is expected of me.

[spirituallyyellow]

30/5/24

I feel like all the feelings I've held inside for the last seven years are pouring out of me now. It feels almost uncontrollable, but also like a relief.

I haven't got long to write before I need to go to work, but I missed sitting and writing properly. I got the Finch app to try to help me do some of the basic self-care stuff I really struggle with, and journalling is down as an "every other day" task. I obviously haven't kept up with it while I've been sick, and I did it the other day but it was on my phone which I don't like doing as much. This is probably really extra of me, but I like the sound and sensation of my fingers flying over the keyboard.

I've been feeling the need to reread the Brontës recently. Jane Eyre, Villette, Tenant of Wildfell Hall, even Wuthering Heights. There is something about feeling shitty and curling up with a book centred on surviving on wild moorland that just feels right.

In some ways I'm feeling a lot better than I was a couple of months ago - in other ways, I'm not. I don't actively feel like I want to die anymore, most of the time, but I also can't say I'm finding a huge amount of pleasure in living. I mostly feel resigned.

One of the bigger contradictions I have in my head is that on the one hand, I feel like I have big "dies young" energy (although I guess I'm not that young anymore), but one of my deepest fears, and one that I always have a feeling is going to come true, is that I'm going to outlive everyone I love and be totally alone.

I think that if I weren't a Christian, I probably would have gotten myself into a really bad situation by now. I said to someone recently that if I weren't a Christian, I'd be the scummiest person you know, and when I say that to my non-Christian friends they're all like "nooooo, you're so lovely and kind etc etc" but when I say it to my Christian friends, they're more like, "yeah, you definitely would be" and it's both funny and sad to me.

I don't exactly regret not giving in to all my self-destructive urges (not just suicidal ones, but all the little ones), but it almost feels like obsessive-compulsion - every time something goes wrong, I immediately think of all the ways I could just self-destruct, far easier than I can think of any other options, and I'll think about it intensely, going over everything, almost like I'm imagining a relationship with a lover, a really toxic one. One that ends with me hurting and alone.

It really does feel inevitable. Either because I've ruined all my relationships or because everyone died before me, but it does feel like I'll come to the end of my life and I'll be totally alone and hurting, and nobody will come to my funeral because I never let anyone close enough to care.

It's insane how I can write this and literally two entries before I was like "so many people have reached out to help me because they care about me or something????" fucking hell man. I hate being in my head.

_

So I work mostly with survivors of sexual violence, and even though I have made an effort to move away from that - or at least to lessen it - they keep finding me. Clients I've taken specifically because I thought they were unlikely to bring a lot of trauma to the sessions have then, after about 4-5 sessions, unloaded just some of the shittiest trauma. And I know this sounds awful, but there's only so many stories about rape, incest, and sexual assault that I can hear in a week without just... something breaking in me, you know?

Anyway, in the last month, I've had four different clients unload numerous sexual assault stories and so we've been processing it together, which doesn't sound like a lot, but it adds up to me hearing about sexual assault every single day I've been at work throughout all of May, and I wish so much that I could go back to when I didn't quite understand how common it is. I remember when I was on placement at The Cursed Place, probably the only thing they rightly said was, "There are some things that once you know them, you cannot un-know them, and you should be prepared for that when you start working here," and that was so much more true than I understood at the time, and I thought I understood it really well.

Tonight I've got life drawing with J and I'm really looking forward to it. I've been really tired all week and really struggled to cope, to be honest, but I've tried to keep my mind focused on life drawing and I'm looking forward to it so much. I love the atmosphere there - the dim lights, big airy art studio, vibe-y chill music, and just staying focused on the present moment. It's just exactly what I want right now.

I wish I was a better Christian. I've felt like a really rubbish one lately, and I don't know if that's the Spirit giving me a nudge or if it's just my shitty, scummy, deceitful heart making things harder for me than they need to be.