#and I have fibro fog pretty bad right now so don’t feel bad if I forgot to tag someone

[hargrove-mayfields]

First Line of Ten Fics Game!

Rules: Share the first line of 10 of your most recent fanfics, and tag 10 (or however many!) people! If you have written less than 10 fics, don’t worry! You can participate anyways! All works are valid!

I was tagged by @strangerqueerthings ! Thank you for thinking of me and my works!! <3

Most of these fics are kind of old (and some unfinished) but they’re my most recent pieces from my ao3 account!! If you want to read them, please check the full tags on ao3 as they give more detailed warnings!

1. Starlight in your eyes of blue (Harringrove, warning for panic attacks and derealization)

“One. Two. Steve’s squishy. Three.”

2. One in Heart, One in Hope, One in Name (Harringrove, pure holiday fluff)

“Maybe three weeks before the beginning of the holidays is a little early to start, but if he doesn’t do it now, it’s not getting done.”

3. Chase the Wind (Eventual Harringrove, Billy & Hop, warnings for child abuse and implied sexual assault, severe injuries, and Hopper being a bit of a jerk)

“Billy makes the football team his very first week in Hawkins.”

4. Just a Dream Away (Harringrove, warnings for temporary character death, blood and gore, upside down monsters, mourning, heavy angst, and past child abuse; happy ending)

“Six months. Six months and twelve days.”

5. I’m never alone. (Hollogrove, warnings for flayed Heather and Billy, and ensuing blood and murder)

“The water is freezing: her head is pounding: her mouth tastes like copper and chemicals and asphalt.”

6. A mess of Momma’s barbecue (Max centric, Hargrove-mayfield siblings, warnings for past character death, child abuse, alcoholism, and Neil Hargrove in general)

“Everyone likes to pretend Billy was never even there.”

7. Happy birthday to me (to you!) (Harringrove, pure fluff)

“The first summer after the incident at Starcourt, things have finally had enough time to slowly ease back into normalcy.”

8. Memories are Golden (Harringrove, mild warning for drinking)

“The prom of ‘85 was just one week away.”

9. A Walkin’ Talkin’ Breathin’ Ball of Fire (Kegboys/ Billy x Tommy x Steve, warnings for child abuse, drug and alcohol use, reckless driving, and suicidal ideation)

“It was 11 o’clock on a Monday, and Billy was grounded.”

10. When (Harringrove, warnings for terminal illness and implied future character death)

“Growing up in the Harrington’s mansion, there was a beautiful grand piano in the upstairs salon, deep mahogany with gold trim to contrast meticulously polished ivory keys.”

I’ll tag: @intothedysphoria @eddie-munsons-guitar86 @poolsidepanic @thatgirlwithasquid @lovebillyhargrove and anybody else who sees this and would like to participate! And I mean that! Just say I tagged ya if you want to join in!! <3

These tags are no pressure! If you can’t participate or just don’t want to, that’s totally fine! No obligation.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Next Fest 2023, Pt 4

And we’re back on the demos, because that’s just where my head is at the moment, I guess.

Bramble: The Mountain King: I gave up on this one pretty fast. I mean, it’s pretty, but the camera’s bullshit. It doesn’t really follow your character well or closely, and there’s no option to point the camera where you want it to be looking. I have better things to do. Also it’s another one of those ones where they’d prefer you use a controller. This kind of thing keeps happening, and it feels like people who really can’t be bothered to do a proper PC port getting lazy. If I wanted to play with a controller, or could play with a controller, I’d probably have a console right now. If I won’t pick up a controller or console for Horizon: Forbidden West, I’m not doing it for this, no matter how cute or pretty it is.

Monuments Flipper: I’m also sorting through some older demos I haven’t tried yet, and this one was among them. This is another one of those Zen organisation things. I think I messed something up in the tutorial, though. Not as fun as House Flipper, but a good substitute, especially if you’re after a bit more realism in your renovations.

Plan B: Terraform: Eeeeeeeh ... it’s not bad, but it’s not as fun a colony sim to play or watch as some of the others on my list. Given I’ve already seen more fun colony sims, and own more than a few, I think that one’ll just go.

Roadwarden: Another leftover from a previous Next Fest or other demo trawl. It’s basically a Choose Your Own Adventure book (or, like, a game of Zork) with a few extra steps. If you don’t mind a lot of reading and basically no other graphics, you might like this one. For me, though, not really the sort of game I’d want to be playing when I’m particularly tired or fibro-fogged, since it requires a fair bit of brain engagement. It’s on the wishlist but not very high.

There are a few others still waiting to be played, and I’ll probably have another dig through and see if there’s anything else I might enjoy poking at. However, for tonight, I’m tired so no more of that, I think. At least I saved the vaguely disappointing ones for last, I guess.

[threnodians]

ik this is a pretty personal question so no pressure to answer at all but i was wondering what new medication you’re taking? i cant for the life of me find something that actually helps fatigue from fibro pain

oh no worries, i don’t mind at all! especially if this info and knowledge can help someone else cursed with an autoimmune disease feel better!!!

(i’m putting this under a “read more” because i ended up rambling a lot 🤡 also if you have any form of emetophobia at all, probably don’t read this 😬)

today is my first day taking methotrexate! i’m on 2.5mg to start and i’m taking 3 pills once a week (i was told to take them all at once on the same day/same time every week) for two weeks and then 5 pills once a week after that! my rheumatologist suggested it before but the long list of possible side effects (the most common ones are: nausea, vomiting, mouth ulcers, loss of appetite, hair loss) made me cautious at the time, but she told me all of her patients that she’s prescribed it to haven’t experienced any of the bad side effects so hopefully i’m not the one outlier (with my luck i won’t be surprised though, which is why i am so anxious about taking it). she also has me taking 1mg of folic acid once a day because that helps reduce the risk of the side effects.

i sound like a medication commercial right now, oops 💀 but yeah i don’t normally have adverse reactions to any forms of medication or drugs (only morphine which makes me violently ill, ie: nausea and vomiting) so i don’t really know why i’m so anxious but also i just really, really, really need this to help because nothing else has and i have constant brain fog and debilitating fatigue from my fibro/ra pain 😭🤞🏻

[inkytsuki]

BTW sorry if I haven't been super talkative the last few days. I'm not exactly sure what I did, but my back is super fucked up. I'm assuming it's fibro flare up because I've been having muscle twitches and pain for the last week or so. And really bad fibro fog. I don't actually know how long it's been and I can't remember when I did things.

My working memory has been absolute shit. Apparently I asked Sam the same question 5 times in a ten minute trip to buy him some tools and couldn't remember what the answer was.

But I didn't sleep last night. I've been getting almost no sleep lately. And I've currently been awake over 36 hours and I'm waiting, hoping, and praying that my medication kicks in and knocks me out within the next 20.

I can't walk right now without the use of a cane and I've been wearing a lumbar support belt for what feels like an eternity. I'm trying to find a full posture corrector brace to physically pull my back upright because I can't hold it up on my own. As of yesterday I think, I can't stand for more than 5 minutes without pain.

My muscles around my spine are all completely locked up and stiff. I couldn't even stand a massage or the use of a vibrating massager in the area earlier. And I am honestly freaking out because I've never had a flare-up quite like this.

What I do know is that I've been having several other problems all of the sudden. I had a pretty severe spike in testosterone/androgen levels before I had my vaccine. I was not tested for this, but I know what they feel like and how they present. I started getting very irritable and having small rage episodes over nothing. Which i haven't had in years.

I have broken out in acne worse than I have experienced in my entire life. My face hurts and it is awful. My chest is also completely broken out. I noticed swelling at the base of my spine before this all started. And I just got new glasses, and despite the Optometrist not making any comments relating to it, I saw my optic discs I'm imaging. And they are. More dull than I've ever seen.

I am terrified. I'm afraid that my IIH/P-TC is going insane. And worried that I'm developing MS.

I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm really just venting and just kinda dumping everything here to get it out of my system and out there I guess.

My biggest suspicion though is that years of working retail jobs where I was consistently on my feet in old, worn down shoes with no support has truly finally caught up to me.

If anyone has recs for a full back support brace that is worth the investment and waiting for shipping please let me know. I need some kind of relief and I honestly feel like. Really bad for whining about it, but even though the pain is not the worst fibro pain I've experienced, it has been absolutely relentless. I have not had a moment without pain in days and I can barely think.

Despite getting some writing done today, for the rest of the week my priority is going to be putting my brain power into my online courses to make sure I'm on top of thing.

I'm sorry for making such a long post on mobile where I can't make a readmore, but I am in an elaborate arrangement of pillows and blankets in an attempt to support my back and knees and cannot be bothered to get up and get my laptop.

Hope you guys are all doing well and I just want yall to know that I still love ya, but I'm just. Not in it atm

[fightthediagnosis]

Day 5...I think

So I’m having a bad fibro fog day, for those who are going ‘what the duckies fibrofog?!’

Basically my version, as not everyone has the same, I basically can’t think straight. So this means I can’t form sentences properly, I say random words instead of words I should say,I also can’t remember basic words and it means I stutter.

That’s just the verbal part, I get dizzy, my eyes can’t focus and it feels like my head is full of cotton wool. All in all it’s pretty shitty.

But I haven’t been out of the house in days apart from hospital appointments, so my dad said why don’t we go for a walk, me in my wheelchair and my dad pushing as I don’t have the energy to push myself right now.

This was great, I was enjoying being outside, my pain was manageable, I was a little cold but hey it’s January in the north of England.

So it’s all going well until a woman, a random woman I’ve never seen in my life who is walking her dog asks what I’ve done.

1. None of her fucking business

2. Who said I’ve done anything, I might just not have the use of my legs, have one of many conditions that effects your mobility etc

3. Did I say none of her fucking buisness.

So my dad, trying to stop me going batshit crazy on her says I’ve had a knee operation. She then proceeds to say I’m very young for that, why would I need that etc etc. So to try and finish this conversation I say I’ve got a joint condition, which is a rather crap explanation of EDS btw, but for this purpose is fine.

Her response, you guessed it.

‘Well at least it’s not cancer’

My dad has never moved my wheelchair so fast in his life.

No it isn’t cancer, it’s a fucking awful condition that I have been battling all of my life and effects every aspect of my life. So fuck you nosey bitch.

Never, ever, eveeeeeeeeer, say to someone well at least it’s not cancer. You do not know what they are going through, you do not understand. End of story.

I will now try to calm myself down, again, as I’ve worked myself up writing about it. Ugh.

[howtobeapersonwithfibro]

Fibro Blog #2 - Choices

I didn’t think it would take me this long to get around to a second blog. I thought it would be sort of a weekly thing for me, and then I remembered that I have a disabling illness that makes my life unpredictable. Especially towards the end of a demanding semester. Oops.

Anyway - before I get into any super specific topics, I wanted to talk about something that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. Choices.

It’s really mind-boggling to me sometimes that normal people don’t have to think about the million things I have to think about every day. The choices I have to make that aren’t even a question for most people - they get both, not just one, or they automatically get the better option. I guess that’s what disability is, though - a lack of choices.

In the past couple of months alone, I’ve had to make two big choices:

choosing to stop meds that were (somewhat) helping my pain because they made my brain fog and memory problems worse. I had to choose mental acuity over pain relief because I’m a pre-med college student. I love science and learning -- it’s who I am. I can handle not having control over my body, but not having control over my body or my mind was something I just couldn’t tolerate. I need to feel like I have control over some part of myself, even if that means more pain.

choosing to remain part-time for the rest of my undergraduate college years AND alter my degree program because I can’t handle four-hour labs that are required for a biology degree or even minimum full-time credits. This will result in me graduating a year later than intended, and I have no idea if I’ll even be able to handle medical school.

To be honest, those choices sucked. I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% confident in my choices. But what I’ve been thinking about a lot are the dozens of tiny choices I have to make throughout my day that aren’t life-altering, but can add to my stress if I’m not careful. Some fun examples of daily decisions:

Do I take the elevator (easier, but involves waiting and potential social awkwardness) or the stairs (difficult and exhausting, but I definitely don’t have to look at people or awkwardly linger)?

It’s snowing: do I take my wheeled backpack (which will get stuck on deep snow and kinda nasty/wet, but is easier for general mobility) or a traditional backpack (more body strain but less snow issues)?

Do I carry the aforementioned (heavy) wheeled backpack up stairs, or take a route that is literally twice the length to go up ramps instead (both options are exhausting)?

Do I drive to school/work (probably unsafe because I’m out of it and really need to rest) or miss class/work (awkwardness/shame with professors and bosses, potential loss of learning and/or some money)?

Do I do homework when I’m not feeling well (which is always) or get the rest I need (necessitating even further extensions on assignments and subsequent shame)?

Do I visit with family members, try to go and do fun things with them (that I know will be difficult and probably not that enjoyable for me) or stay home (feeling sort of lonely and possibly disappointing my family)?

Do I undergo basic hygiene (shower, brush teeth, etc.) or ignore it “just this once” because I feel too weak to get up and stand for that long?

Do I try to talk to people in my classes (maybe make some friends, but mostly feel awkward because I’m really sick and they won’t get it) or just give up on social interaction (easier, but lonely)?

I think you get the idea. And I’m really not trying to throw a pity party here - I don’t feel bad for myself that this is my life. These are just some genuine choices that I weigh out on a daily basis. Often I try both options at different times because neither seems to give me the result I was hoping for.

For example, I wake up one morning knowing that it is really not going to be a good day. But I have stuff to do - a couple classes as well as a couple hours of work as a tutor (which will also involve the half-hour commute to school). I decide that just this once, even though my body is telling me not to, I will go with option A: just push through and go in anyway. What happens? I endure a hazardous, confused drive to campus, am hardly able to take notes in class or help my students, and I end up going home before finishing all my classes/work anyway. But I tried.

I tell myself that that was not a desired outcome, so the next time this happens, I choose option B: stay home, listen to my irritating nervous system for once. It’s good at first: I get some more rest, spend the day in bed with my cat and a good book, do little to no homework. But the further it goes into the day (and the next day), I’m consumed with anxiety and guilt: the constant inner voice of I should be doing homework right now. I should be able to get more done. My professors/bosses will be angry with me for not showing up again.

So that wasn’t a desired outcome either, but those were my only two choices. So now what do I do? This choice will continue to come up, and I’ll keep trying both A and B because neither is even close to ideal.

As chronically ill people, we have to make a lot more choices than most people do. I mean, everyone makes unconscious decisions about what clothes they’ll wear that day, what they’ll eat for breakfast, etc. -- but they don’t think about it for more than ten seconds, because it won’t have a huge impact on their day. I, and other people like me, make dozens of conscious choices every day, usually with pretty shitty options to choose from, that have a somewhat significant impact on my daily life.

I’m trying to be more positive, so I’ll end on this note: I’m not entirely upset about these constant forced choices. I think I’ve gained a lot from having to really think about the consequences of my actions more than other people do. It’s made me better at really evaluating my options when making important life decisions. When I’ve really paid attention to why I’m making the choices I’m making, I understand myself better. I know what I can settle for and what I can’t.

I think chronically ill people are forced to know themselves better than healthy people. I mean, we can’t know what our unpredictable bodies and minds will do, but we can know what will happen based on the choices we make. We can understand our lives on a deeper level than most people, because we’re forced to make harder choices. And maybe that’s something to be grateful for.

[fibrotears]

The Moment When…

    Recently there have been times in my life where I’ve literally felt like if my world would come to an end would it be THAT bad?  That’s a DARK moment to be in.  Come on let’s be real here, anyone that just read that and said, yea been there, knows that it’s a very lonely place that ironically so many of us have been before. This is something I’m writing for me, for you, for anyone who has ever had just a hard time getting through something and having that one moment when…

    My Therapist asked me the other day, what do I want from therapy right now? I was so upset and just in my head I seriously didn’t know.  I have a lot going on with my health and my marriage it is hard to handle things sometimes.  Man, I’m sounding like such a baby, lol.  Anyone with our conditions know it can be very overwhelming, we have to allow ourselves a little bit of legroom so to speak for this type of emotional outburst or lack of control.  OK to my point, lol.  When I first got diagnosed with Fibro I had this heavy weight and I was almost so dark and saddened inside. I never knew if I’d over come that feeling.  I went through a lot and with a lot of support, therapy, life, and health adjustments it slowly became easier to deal with.  There was THAT MOMENT WHEN… I was like okay I got this.  

    Unfortunately, there are ALWAYS moments in all of our lives that we may have to reevaluate or reflect on.  Something we don’t even realize we need to do yet.  Until you have that moment when…  See I’m sharing my story in hopes that it helps someone, not just me, someone before you end up like me.  

    Being in an emotionally strenuous relationship for years is hard enough but being in one and having a chronic illness is slightly different.  Add some memory issues and you come up with fun times lol.  I have taken a long hard look at my marriage recently.  Did I mention HARD look.  My husband is good man, he has worked, taken care of boys that aren’t his, and me since I’ve been out of work for the last few years.  He wasn’t always like this either, I’m not even sure how or when it happened to be honest I’m sure it was before I got so sick though.

    This is one of the hardest decisions of my life, but you must realize that it is FOR YOUR LIFE.   People in my life know me ALL too well so they used what worked for me.  My Fur babies shouldn’t be in this situation. That helped a little.  I saw a glimmer, but that one opening light, THAT MOMENT WHEN… My son he’s almost 20 but, there is NOTHING that will motivate a mother faster than a hurting child.  

    When your son comes to you so upset, developing anxiety issues because he can no longer watch you keep being treated like this.  Talk about breaking your heart.  There are just no words…  That was MY MOMENT WHEN… I will tell you once you have your moment things start to happen, and it will come in a fog, maybe even a wave, it can be quite confusing and overwhelming.  Honestly right now at this point in my life I’m still going through it all, but why not write the story as it happens right?  Isn’t that the best way?  So, let me also explain, on top of the Fibro there are some other unexplained health issues I am getting tested for.  Yes, there is a little added stress.  

    Ok now that we’re caught up some, I need to make something else clear, I believe that no matter what happens I’m going to be okay, I didn’t always believe this. I do now, and I told my sister the other day I’m not quite sure if it’s because I know Gods got my back and I’m gonna be ok or if I’m just like OMGoodness WTF is going on lol.  Either way, I’m going to handle this, we have a marriage counseling session in 2 weeks.  Things will be discussed,  and as far as the rest we can only control what is IN OUR CONTROL.  The fact is we DO still have control of some things.

    Since all this has been weighing heavy on my heart and causing so much pain and stress I’ve decided to try to pull myself back a little.  To try to help maybe, so that I don’t keep getting hurt and then when we get to our counseling session there wouldn’t be so much damage done. When my husband realized this was going on he was not happy to say the least.  Not that I can blame him, I understand this could be hurtful but let me say that this was a rational decision for me.  This was so that my health would be maintained, so that I wouldn’t just up and leave my marriage, and even after explaining this it was not good enough.

    Another MOMENT WHEN…  nothing ever was going to be.  It’s ok, I told myself over and over and over again at that moment.  As I’m typing this something keeps running thru my head, this started as a simple question.  Jess asked me what I wanted from therapy?  At our session that day I also remembered her telling me that my relationship as it was being doing me justice and I had to work on myself, (my words not hers).   Ok Back to my point I often get off topic, lol. Now that he was mad that I was pulling away, he tossed around if HE even wanted to go to Marriage counseling.  

    Why am I even telling you any of this, again partly to share, and honestly partly to show how even after your MOMENTS WHEN… there are still storms.  There are still things you have to endure, just because you have to realize just ONE of the things that have to be addressed doesn’t mean your work is done.  It merely means your journey has just begun.  It Begins With You.  You have to want to work on you more than you have to want to work on everything else around you.  

    There are certain parts of this process that may be more difficult than you have ever anticipated.  More Moments when… when you think you can’t take anymore and you’re going to break but you keep going anyway.  Those moments come often just so you are aware, lol.

What came next now that my heart was under quarantine, I thought would make it easy.  It didn’t, my heart was supposed to be healing and not letting anymore hurt in. It was supposed to not let anymore sickness, anymore pain in.  When you do this to yourself it does work, but don’t get this twisted it doesn’t mean that you can continue to take the abuse, that your heart is able to still hear the words coming from the outside while still being protected.  It still needs to stop remember you cannot let it continue.  

    Let me be perfectly clear about something YOU WILL STILL BE QUITE EMOTIONIAL.  If I was able to just shut off my emotions like a light switch it would make life much easier… this isn’t that.  This is more for self-preservation as I was told to look at it.  For me its been pretty hard almost half like an out of body experience, because you feel partially in control and partially numb, at least that’s how I’ve felt. I’ve never been one to lie, I’m not going to sit here and say I’ve never had to lie but I don’t lie unless its die or need…  sometimes in this life I have felt like a liar.  THAT MOMENT WHEN…Its not your life anymore….

    Time to take back your heart…  THAT MOMENT WHEN… you’re ready to reclaim it.  I’m not to that point yet, I think I may have a long hard road ahead of me. It’s with a heavy heart when you know what must be done and you don’t want to do it because you know THAT MOMENT WHEN… is going to be traumatic.  

    When you have a kind heart I’m told, that you tend to care a little too much about other people’s feelings.  This can be a good thing or a bad thing, because you’re then worried about how they are going to feel rather than how it affects you.  This is where you have to get back to THAT MOMENT WHEN… you realize that you are important too!! It’s time to put you first, yes it may be hard but its what has to be done, period in order to survive.  

      THAT MOMENT WHEN…  You have nothing to explain, nothing to be sorry for, this is what YOU need to do. When you are doing what is right for you and your health and you have done everything right and your can do no more, this is THAT MOMENT WHEN… you can’t do no more and you need to more on and start to learn to heal. Ill learn one day!! I hope you can too.

[daddysliltoot]

Day 20

30 DAYS OF JOURNAL WRITING FOR LITTLES

1. As a Dom/sub/switch do you have a little side?

This is fairly simple to answer, since this list is for littles ^.^ Yes! I have a little side and I love her! She’s been quiet lately and I miss her. That’s why I’m doing this challenge, so my Daddy and I can reconnect and rediscover our Daddy/little sides! 2. List your favorite little activities kinky or otherwise.

Video games, coloring, spankings, Daddy fussing, Daddy making my stuffies talk, shopping, dressing up all cute, ZOO DAYS, video games. Did I say video games?

….video gaaaames

3. What early experiences, looking back hinted at you being a little?

Daddy and I talk about this a lot, but I am having the worst fibro fog and can’t remember any specific examples. I’ve always loved stuffies and Disney movies and collected coloring books all the way through college. I’ve always been a little, but it wasn’t until I met my Daddy that she felt comfortable enough to come out and play. She belongs to Daddy through and through. Without Daddy, my little wouldn’t exist. <3

4. When did you realize that you were a little?

Ages and ages ago, Daddy and I started out as Mistress/slave. We were in an LDR and I flew out to spend a few weeks with them. One day, we went out and ran some errands and by the time we got back to their apartment, I was exhausted. So Daddy put me on the couch, wrapped me up in a blankie, and put on Wall-E for me to watch while they did a few chores. I was asleep within minutes. That was the first time we were DD/lg, though we didn’t know it. Fast forward to shortly after our wedding, and Daddy quietly asked me one night if I would call them Daddy. And that was it. They’ve been my Daddy ever since and that was about 8 years ago. 5. Do you have a Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver? What do you/did you look for in one?

I answered this yesterday for another prompt, but I do have a Daddy, @tootsdaddy! I never looked for a Daddy, it was something we found after we got married, but I know I want someone to help me grow into a better person, to take care of me and who I can trust to take care of things so I’m free to be little.

6. What are your personal aftercare needs and are they being met by your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver?

The honest answer to this one is I don’t know. Partially because it’s been a long while since my last spanking (fibromyalgia diagnosis) and partially because I’m just not sure. Things I didn’t like in aftercare before (being held against Daddy’s chest (too hot and sensory overload), bright lights in the room, humming) may not bother me now that I’m getting the fibro under control. But I think, what sounds the most comforting to me, is me laying on my Teddy on my tummy, lights off, a fan blowing on my skin, while Daddy strokes my hair and back and feeds me grapes. Daddy held me and stroked my hair the other day while I was trying to rest and it was awesome. So I guess the answer to the second part is yes and no. I mean, how can my aftercare needs be met if I don’t even really know what they are? But when my booty owie heals (and we’re back in our own home), I think we’re going to try and get back to spankings and see how things go. Spanking are the only times I’d need aftercare, because I’m ace and my Daddy is super good about that <3. 7. How do you combat negative thinking/emotions?

Honestly, not very well. But when I feel them threatening to take over, I always tell my Daddy and they help distract me and cheer me up. Sometimes I vape to make it fade away, and that helps too. Coloring and getting lost in the design can help, but it’s also kinda dangerous because my form of self-harm is writing mean things on my skin with sharp pens until I bleed. Right now there are LOTS of bad thoughts in my head, but getting back into our home/away from judgey in-laws will help with that. One of our cats always seems to know when I’m having a bad brain day and he sticks close to take care of me until Daddy gets home. That cat literally saved my life when the negative thoughts were too much after I got some bad health news. 8. How have your needs and wants changed since you started exploring the lifestyle?

Oh Lord. Well, we entered into the lifestyle as Mistress/slave. Then it shifted to Sir/slave. Then we realized that I am super bad at slave and Daddy was super bad at Sir and Daddy asked if I would call them Daddy and it was perfect. Still is perfect. We’ve only been dipping our toes back into the lifestyle, since we’re still living with Daddy’s parents (WE MOVE HOME TONIGHT AAAAAAAAH), but even just that taste is everything we’ve been missing.

One thing that has really changed since the beginning of our Daddy/girlie journey is sex. In the beginning, our relationship was very sexual, partially because we spent a lot of time on Fetlife and that site is all about the sex. But over time we began to realize that we were having sex because it was The Thing To Do, not because we craved it. We delved a bit more and realized that I’ve never really enjoyed sex, it’s just always been something I did because it was expected of me. So I’m in my 30s and slowly embracing an ace identity, which Daddy 300% supports, which i am so grateful for.

So yeah, what I look for now is for my Daddy to care for me and protect me and spoil me, not for Daddy to fuck my brains out. I realized my favorite part of sex was the aftercare. I love spankings, but they just aren’t sexual anymore. I remember thinking “I wish I could dress up cute and bounce around and be super little without it leading to sex” and now it doesn’t. And my little feels safe and happy and free since we decided to take sex out of the equation. It seems strange, but it helped our marriage immensely. We’re both happier and that is all that matters. 9. How have your needs and wants changed within your current or previous relationship?

For me, the answer to this is pretty much the same as the answer to yesterday’s, because this is the only Daddy/little relationship I’ve had or ever will have. 10. How do you recover from the ending of a Big/lil relationship?

I’ve never had a Big/lil relationship en…wait. I have. I had an Uncle once. It was never an official thing and it was kept strictly online and Daddy approved of it, of course. I grew very, very attached to him and he helped me through a rough time in my life, but then he just…disappeared. And it broke my heart. But it wasn’t my primary relationship and I had my Daddy to help me work through the sadness. But it was hard to recover from, my little just didn’t understand. She still doesn’t and I don’t think she ever will. To be perfectly honest, I don’t think part of me will ever recover, unless he appears again with an explanation. 11. How do your Daddy/Mommy/Caregivers ethics/morals match or differ and how do you handle these differences? What would you do if you realized that they were drastically different?

We match on just about everything, thankfully. There are little things that we’ve disagreed about, like using the same TTC transfer twice (cheating the TTC out of a fare) or when I first wanted to become vegetarian, they still ate meat, but only for a week or two. But even those, we usually end up talking them out and coming to an agreement. If things were drastically different….I don’t know what I would do. If We hadn’t matched so well in the beginning, I probably would have ended things but now I’d probably just try to explain my point of view and try to understand theirs and once again find some middle ground. 12. What are some things that you would never do and do not want to even think about? This can be your hard limits or other aspects in your life.

The thing that first popped to my mind here is go back to work. If it became absolutely necessary for us to survive, obviously I would do it, but it’s no bueno. Daddy and I are both happier with me as a stay at home lil elephant. At least, I think they’re happier *anxieties*. Anyway, yeah. Between my illnesses (fibro,CFS, diabetes, anxiety, depression) and my littleness, work just isn’t good for me, I have a really hard time being little when I’m also holding down a job. And that’s okay. I don’t have to work to have worth. 13. How do you vet a Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver? Describe your process of checking them out before you meet or play with them, or any new or potential play partner.

I don’t. I’ve only had Daddy and Daddy became my Daddy after we were married. 14. Do you think that being in love with your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver will change the dynamic? For the better or worse?

I mean, of course it changes the dynamic, I can’t imagine being in a relationship like ours without love, though I know it’s done. But yeah, being in love with my Daddy is the bestest thing ever. 15. If you could clear up any misconceptions from the public about the relationship between littles and their caregivers, what would that be?

*stands up real tall so everyone in the back can hear me*

16. How has being part of this lifestyle helped improve your life?

How *hasn’t* it? Honestly, I don’t know if I’d be here without it. It’s obviously brought Daddy and I so much closer and it’s made it easier for me to accept that I can’t work. It’s made me feel safe and whole when I may not have otherwise. It’s made some of the care I need for my illnesses become less about my disabilities and more about Daddy taking care of their lil elephant. It brought the zoo into our life, which has had such an amazing impact. I honestly can’t think of any part of my life that being little *hasn’t* touched. Even my in laws, who know nothing about my little, tend to gravitate towards little things like stuffies or hair bows for me when Christmas comes around. It’s made me happier and calmer and a better me.

17. Is there any aspect of the lifestyle you are curious about or that you would like to try to learn more about?

To be really honest, we’ve been at this for nearly a decade now, everything we’ve been curious about, we’re tried. Now we’re just settling into our happy place and it’s awesome.

18. How does this type of relationship differ from a vanilla relationship and how do you keep it fresh, vital and strong?

For me, the biggest difference between our relationship and the vanilla relationships I had in the past is that my little feels safe and free. I don’t have to hide her or ignore her, I can let her out to play with my Daddy, which never happened with any of my boyfriends. There’s extra layers of trust and protection and dependence that comes with this kind of relationship that I don’t think I could do without anymore. As far as keeping it vital and strong, talk. Communication is an essential part of every relationship, but not communicating can be the absolute downfall of this relationship. That’s what happened with me and Daddy, life got crazy stressful, I got sick, and we stopped talking about Daddy/little stuff. It just didn’t seem as important as the other stuff in our lives, which was absolutely wrong. Which is why we’re doing these lists, to reopen those lines of communication and so far it has been wonderful!

19. What are your feelings about long distance relationships and the lifestyle? What about on-line relationships?

Daddy and I started as an online relationship that turned into an LDR that turned into a marriage. Daddy and I are also very, very aware that we are the exception to the rule. The connection you feel online is very different than the connection you feel during an in-person visit. And that connection is different that the one you feel when you start living with someone. Heck, after eight years of marriage, the connection we have now is miles and away different from the connection we had when we were newlyweds. It is absolutely possible for those connections to all jive and work together, we’re living proof of that! But more often than not, the person you are online is different than who you are in person. And who you are in person on a date is different than who you are when you’re home with roommates. It’s true of all of us and there’s nothing wrong with it. But it does mean that what is working online isn’t always going to work in person. And vice versa. It takes a lot of work to make it happen, love isn’t just some heart and flowers fairytale that happens overnight. If you want to build a lasting relationship, it takes hard work from everyone involved.

That isn’t to say that there isn’t a place for online or LDR relationships, there absolutely is! And because Daddy and I started online, our communication lines are way more open than a couple who met at a bar and started dating. We got into the habit of talking, just talking, sharing everything about our lives just to talk to the other person. And it’s carried through into our marriage.

Another aspect of LDR that I don’t think people think about enough is what is the endgame? For aces, are you content with an online/LDR relationship, or do you still crave the comfort of touch? How is the long distance part of LDR going to end? For us, it was me moving to another country, leaving family and friends behind, a 18 hour drive away, and depending completely on Daddy and Daddy’s family until I could get my permanent residency and begin to work, a process that took nearly two years. It was an intensely stressful time for all of us, but again, it brought us all closer together. But it was *hard*. I cried a lot that first year or so. I was happy, very happy, but I was also so homesick. For my family and friends, yes, but also for a familiar culture. Canada is very similar to the US, absolutely, but it is also wildly different. For those who are familiar with McDonald’s, imagine walking into a McDonald’s with your usual order in mind and finding nothing familiar on the menu except a basic hamburger and fries. That kind of stuff, little stuff that can build up easily and make you feel like an outsider real quick. But this is my home now, I’ve been here nearly a decade and that last time we went to the States, I felt that same culture shock, only now it was on the other side, which was a shock in and of itself.

So yeah. LDRs and online relationships can ABSOLUTELY turn into forever, in-person relationships and they are so wonderful when they do. But the facts are, most don’t, and that’s okay. It’s still a relationship and you still learn from it. They are in no way less that in-person relationships because at the end of the day, it’s still 2 (or more) people connecting. But it takes work.

20. How open are you about your lifestyle, to your family and friends?

I’m open, but I’m not. If anyone ever asked me point blank about being a little, I’d happily confess to it. But I don’t advertise the fact, you know? But “daddy” is part of our usernames on quite a few websites and if people start to get curious about it, we say it’s for the cats XD. But we also have the luxury of living on our own with the ability to distance ourselves or hide certain aspects. I have a playroom with a permanent blanket fort. In the fort is a bed and we call it a guest room. You’d be surprised how many “adults” love the idea of a blanket fort. So I’m not really hiding, I’m just not overt about it.

21. How do you express your little side?22. Write a love letter to your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver or future one, letting them know how thankful you are to have them in your life.23. Do you test boundaries at times, to see how far you can go? If so, what are the consequences?24. What are some of the small things that your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver can do for you to make you feel special?25. Is it easier for you to be honest when it does not cause pain to another? If so why? Do you have a harder time being completely honest if it will hurt someone? 26. How do you know if you have the time or energy to be involved in a 24/7 dynamic? 27. How do you feel about being shared or given to another for a specific period of time by your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver?28. How often do you take on to many tasks and then find yourself drowning in them? 29. Have you ever broken a rule in your current or previous dynamic? If so, what was the consequence? Did you learn your lesson?30. Is trust absolutely necessary in your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver to be able to give over complete control and your total submission?

[daddysliltoot]

Day 9

30 DAYS OF JOURNAL WRITING FOR LITTLES 1. As a Dom/sub/switch do you have a little side?

This is fairly simple to answer, since this list is for littles ^.^ Yes! I have a little side and I love her! She’s been quiet lately and I miss her. That’s why I’m doing this challenge, so my Daddy and I can reconnect and rediscover our Daddy/little sides! 2. List your favorite little activities kinky or otherwise.

Video games, coloring, spankings, Daddy fussing, Daddy making my stuffies talk, shopping, dressing up all cute, ZOO DAYS, video games. Did I say video games?

….video gaaaames

3. What early experiences, looking back hinted at you being a little?

Daddy and I talk about this a lot, but I am having the worst fibro fog and can’t remember any specific examples. I’ve always loved stuffies and Disney movies and collected coloring books all the way through college. I’ve always been a little, but it wasn’t until I met my Daddy that she felt comfortable enough to come out and play. She belongs to Daddy through and through. Without Daddy, my little wouldn’t exist. <3

4. When did you realize that you were a little?

Ages and ages ago, Daddy and I started out as Mistress/slave. We were in an LDR and I flew out to spend a few weeks with them. One day, we went out and ran some errands and by the time we got back to their apartment, I was exhausted. So Daddy put me on the couch, wrapped me up in a blankie, and put on Wall-E for me to watch while they did a few chores. I was asleep within minutes. That was the first time we were DD/lg, though we didn’t know it. Fast forward to shortly after our wedding, and Daddy quietly asked me one night if I would call them Daddy. And that was it. They’ve been my Daddy ever since and that was about 8 years ago. 5. Do you have a Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver? What do you/did you look for in one?

I answered this yesterday for another prompt, but I do have a Daddy, @tootsdaddy! I never looked for a Daddy, it was something we found after we got married, but I know I want someone to help me grow into a better person, to take care of me and who I can trust to take care of things so I’m free to be little.

6. What are your personal aftercare needs and are they being met by your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver?

The honest answer to this one is I don’t know. Partially because it’s been a long while since my last spanking (fibromyalgia diagnosis) and partially because I’m just not sure. Things I didn’t like in aftercare before (being held against Daddy’s chest (too hot and sensory overload), bright lights in the room, humming) may not bother me now that I’m getting the fibro under control. But I think, what sounds the most comforting to me, is me laying on my Teddy on my tummy, lights off, a fan blowing on my skin, while Daddy strokes my hair and back and feeds me grapes. Daddy held me and stroked my hair the other day while I was trying to rest and it was awesome. So I guess the answer to the second part is yes and no. I mean, how can my aftercare needs be met if I don’t even really know what they are? But when my booty owie heals (and we’re back in our own home), I think we’re going to try and get back to spankings and see how things go. Spanking are the only times I’d need aftercare, because I’m ace and my Daddy is super good about that <3. 7. How do you combat negative thinking/emotions?

Honestly, not very well. But when I feel them threatening to take over, I always tell my Daddy and they help distract me and cheer me up. Sometimes I vape to make it fade away, and that helps too. Coloring and getting lost in the design can help, but it’s also kinda dangerous because my form of self-harm is writing mean things on my skin with sharp pens until I bleed. Right now there are LOTS of bad thoughts in my head, but getting back into our home/away from judgey in-laws will help with that. One of our cats always seems to know when I’m having a bad brain day and he sticks close to take care of me until Daddy gets home. That cat literally saved my life when the negative thoughts were too much after I got some bad health news. 8. How have your needs and wants changed since you started exploring the lifestyle?

Oh Lord. Well, we entered into the lifestyle as Mistress/slave. Then it shifted to Sir/slave. Then we realized that I am super bad at slave and Daddy was super bad at Sir and Daddy asked if I would call them Daddy and it was perfect. Still is perfect. We’ve only been dipping our toes back into the lifestyle, since we’re still living with Daddy’s parents (WE MOVE HOME TONIGHT AAAAAAAAH), but even just that taste is everything we’ve been missing.

One thing that has really changed since the beginning of our Daddy/girlie journey is sex. In the beginning, our relationship was very sexual, partially because we spent a lot of time on Fetlife and that site is all about the sex. But over time we began to realize that we were having sex because it was The Thing To Do, not because we craved it. We delved a bit more and realized that I’ve never really enjoyed sex, it’s just always been something I did because it was expected of me. So I’m in my 30s and slowly embracing an ace identity, which Daddy 300% supports, which i am so grateful for.

So yeah, what I look for now is for my Daddy to care for me and protect me and spoil me, not for Daddy to fuck my brains out. I realized my favorite part of sex was the aftercare. I love spankings, but they just aren’t sexual anymore. I remember thinking “I wish I could dress up cute and bounce around and be super little without it leading to sex” and now it doesn’t. And my little feels safe and happy and free since we decided to take sex out of the equation. It seems strange, but it helped our marriage immensely. We’re both happier and that is all that matters. 9. How have your needs and wants changed within your current or previous relationship?

For me, the answer to this is pretty much the same as the answer to yesterday’s, because this is the only Daddy/little relationship I’ve had or ever will have.  10. How do you recover from the ending of a Big/lil relationship? 11. How do your Daddy/Mommy/Caregivers ethics/morals match or differ and how do you handle these differences? What would you do if you realized that they were drastically different? 12. What are some things that you would never do and do not want to even think about? This can be your hard limits or other aspects in your life. 13. How do you vet a Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver? Describe your process of checking them out before you meet or play with them, or any new or potential play partner. 14. Do you think that being in love with your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver will change the dynamic? For the better or worse? 15. If you could clear up any misconceptions from the public about the relationship between littles and their caregivers, what would that be? 16. How has being part of this lifestyle helped improve your life? 17. Is there any aspect of the lifestyle you are curious about or that you would like to try to learn more about? 18. How does this type of relationship differ from a vanilla relationship and how do you keep it fresh, vital and strong? 19. What are your feelings about long distance relationships and the lifestyle? What about on-line relationships? 20. How open are you about your lifestyle, to your family and friends? 21. How do you express your little side? 22. Write a love letter to your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver or future one, letting them know how thankful you are to have them in your life. 23. Do you test boundaries at times, to see how far you can go? If so, what are the consequences? 24. What are some of the small things that your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver can do for you to make you feel special? 25. Is it easier for you to be honest when it does not cause pain to another? If so why? Do you have a harder time being completely honest if it will hurt someone? 26. How do you know if you have the time or energy to be involved in a 24/7 dynamic? 27. How do you feel about being shared or given to another for a specific period of time by your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver? 28. How often do you take on to many tasks and then find yourself drowning in them? 29. Have you ever broken a rule in your current or previous dynamic? If so, what was the consequence? Did you learn your lesson? 30. Is trust absolutely necessary in your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver to be able to give over complete control and your total submission?

(taken from here)