#and I guess it's honestly been something truly good for my mental health

[gobs-o-dice]

If I may wax nostalgic for a moment:

So, yeah, this account got deleted by hackers, which sucks, but I can always rebuild it, bit by bit.

This is way more of a huge personal essay than I'd normally do, especially on this sideblog, but it's about this blog specifically, so I think it's really only appropriate that it goes here.

(Rambling got long-ish, so putting in a cut to keep your dashboards clear of clutter - Because it turns out I have some feelings about this blog)

(TL;DR: Thank you all for your kind words and support over the years. This blog meant something to me, it still means something to me, and I'm going to keep working at it - Rebuilding it one piece at a time. I look forward to continue engaging and re-engaging with you all again as I do so)

I had my main tumblr account for something like 5 years by the time I started this sideblog. And I never really had any sort of focus on my main, I was just your general nerdy blogger.

But at some point - 2016-2017, judging by my photos timeline, I started getting really into collecting sets of dice. In as much as I was accumulating them at a much, much faster rate than I'd ever done so before.

My first set was bought when I was still in high school, probably no later than 2003-2004. I know I had at least 5 total sets by the time I finished my first undergrad degree in 2009 and moved across the country for a job. I'm pretty sure I got the 6th set on a trip back home to visit friends during that year I was working. The 7th, I honestly can't remember. Maybe 2011 at a con? That seems like something I'd do.

My 8th set was definitely purchased in the lead-up to my sister's wedding in 2014 - I specifically bought it to match their purple and blue colour scheme because we used the d20 to stop people from clinking glasses to get them to kiss (if people wanted to get them to kiss, they'd have to roll 10+, otherwise, they'd have to find someone to kiss, themselves).

I wasn't taking photos of sets as I got them yet, so this has been a bit of guesswork and memory.

I can confirm that by the end of 2016, I had bought my 15th and 16th sets. I started showing off my shinies, probably here and on twitter. I think even some basic photos made it to facebook/instagram before I realized not many friends and family cared too much about them over there.

2017, I can see set #23 appears in a photo, among others previously.

By September 2018, Sets #44, #45, and #46 were bought at a convention - These are the three sets you can see in the mouth of the yarncraft mimic in my profile picture (also bought at that convention). So, yeah, definitely a steep acceleration in my dice-buying (this was about the time I started buying dice online rather than just in physical stores, I do believe). Overall, a huge shift in my approach and drive towards collecting dice around this point.

It's around here I really start taking photos of my dice, playing around with my flashlights and such for different lighting effects - Basically the first forms of the kind of photos that would become my "brand", such as it is. I think it's here too that I started aspiring to make a character to pair to each individual set (While I do have many, many characters, I can tell you that some of these first sets still don't have characters for them yet. So, y'know, I'm nothing if not consistent in my inability to focus).

The first bunch of these sort of photos were posted to my main, but eventually I decided to start doing the dice posting on a sideblog, so as not to completely flood my main with not only my dice, but all the dice I was reblogging, as through my posts, I had found that there was indeed a community here of dice fans - Often posting their own creative photos.

Now, I've never been exactly quiet about what was going on in my life at that time - The summer of 2018, I had to take a medical leave of absence from my PhD program in university, because my migraines had been worsening from episodic to chronic over the past year or so. I had thought that maybe it was burnout, and I'm sure that's not an insignificant part of it, along with the then-undiagnosed adhd, I was just unable to function in general.

So, I took that summer off, then was genuinely feeling better and came back and tried to pick up again - But as the stress of getting back into things picked up again, it was clear that I was not in fact better. And the meds I was on at the time put me in a near-permanent brain fog, so I just was not able to function on an intellectual level like I had been. I could muddle my way through reading ecology papers that presented broad, easily-followed narratives, but highly technical microbiology and genetics papers, which were a slog at the best of times, became literally impossible to meaningfully read and acquire the sort of information I needed from them.

So, January 2019, I made the painful decision to withdraw from my PhD program. And I was utterly crushed by this point - Y'know, with whatever energy I had left to feel emotions. There is nothing quite so gutting as believing you're better and can handle things, and then finding out that you absolutely cannot, and feeling like you're letting everyone down because you can't keep up with even the bare minimum of responsibilities. I truly do not want this sort of thing to happen again, hence why I really do want to get my migraines under control before I consider going back to school or work - And it's been basically 5 years now. My education and experience have absolutely atrophied, possibly to the point that I'd essentially be starting pretty fresh and need to be brought back up to speed on so much that I'm not sure its something I want to ever tackle.

Anyway, that was where I was when I decided to make this sideblog. It was always, first and foremost, a place where I could post my nerdy photos, ramble about my characters, and just generally go whole-hog in on my nerdy TTRPG-related hobbies. And if other people found what I was posting enjoyable, well, it was all the better.

February 2019, before I moved back home, is the first folder that I can distinctly say I did a series of hoard photos. I wasn't using the term hoardscape yet. And they weren't styled exactly like that, but the genesis of the idea is there - I'm calling these pre-hoardscapes as I do my daily image re-upload. May 2019 was the first time I consciously set out to take photos of the hoard all mixed together. There's some weirdness as I included minis and other nerdy things in this first batch, but the overall style was now something I was fully enjoying - Photoing the dice from angles that made them look like rolling hills or other styles of heaps/piles emerging from one main pile - ie: Trying to make it look like I was taking a photo of a landscape made of my entire dice hoard. I have these labelled as "Hoard Shots" in this folder, but my numbering of them starts there. The next batch, June 2019 was where I started labelling them with the term "Hoardscape". I'm glad that people liked this term and it got used beyond just myself.

In total, I took over 1200 hoardscape photos between 2019 and 2021, not including the photo sessions where I did specific arrangements of specific die-types, since I had to sort them all before putting them away again anyway. So over three years of material for daily content, in addition to the shots I did of individual sets and other flights of fancy I'd have.

It'd be hyperbolic to claim that these "saved my life" or some other cliche like that. But they probably saved my sanity at least a little bit. They've given me something to do that was novel and creative. Something engaging, something to aspire to do, something to look forward to that wasn't the same "wake-up, watch tv, surf the net, play video games" routine I found myself otherwise in. Something to have some tangible ambition towards, however ultimately frivolous it is. Something with a schedule and structure that I felt compelled to adhere to.

This sort of stuff was great for me too, in that I could work on creative projects according to my own, quite nocturnal, inconsistent schedule (You'll notice that pretty much all of my photos of individual sets are also done at night, which was eventually also partially so that the lighting could be consistent). I could work for a few hours at a time, according to however much energy/focus I had. And if I had a bad day, I wasn't obligated to do any specific amount of work at it each day or anything. It was work, in the sense of something productive to do. And honestly, I thoroughly believe you need something that at least feels productive to work at (at your own pace), so that you don't go completely batty with boredom. And that the photos resonated with people out there was absolutely fantastic too. I was honestly a little surprised and always utterly delighted when people would mention my style of dice photos as inspirations for their own creative works - Their own photos or otherwise.

Heck, at one point I had great ambitions to maybe start turning hoardscape-type shots into jigsaw puzzles. Well, that kind of fizzled - We did do one small session using my brother's actual, serious camera instead of my camera phone, and got a jigsaw puzzle made from that high-res shot, but in terms of actually making puzzles from my photos consistently? Well, not so much. Unless, like, some company picked up and licensed my/our photos or something for printing themselves, there was no way we could feasibly afford getting enough made up to sell at any sort of reasonable price. And as fun as it was, to make this, puzzles, I really didn't think it'd be practical to order 1000 of any single design, let alone more than one design to have some variety, and then try to find some market to sell them in.

But hey, this is a fun little treasure of my own to have, even if it was, like $60

Admittedly, as much as I loved doing these shots, there were things that made them increasingly difficult to keep doing new ones of - The way it took over the family room area with my hoard meant that I really only wanted to do them when the rest of my family was gone for long stretches of time - Over a week or so, to give me enough time to get a decent amount of new material and then go through the process of re-sorting and repacking my dice after getting those photos, but also getting any sort of bonus shots - Like once I got the actual stage, taking photos with it, instead of just on the mug warmer (The mug warmer was a decent stage for someone operating with no real budget and still focused on getting more dice, okay? :P). But then the hoard continued to grow and swell (because I'm a sucker for buying more and more dice, after all), which meant that the cleanup process took longer and longer. I mean, it eventually got to the point that the table I used as an auxiliary for sorting was too small for everything to be on there period, let alone with any real clarity to which set was which. And it was more and more painful - Sitting there hunched over, searching and sorting for hours to get everything back to its proper home in my storage bins left my back, neck, and shoulders utterly stiff and sore for days afterwards, which isn't exactly fun. The final big one is that in 2021, for my mom's birthday, my family got a new kitten for the first time in years. As much as I loved Ollie , I knew he absolutely could not be trusted with a big pile of dice just left out in the open. And after his tragic passing [RIP poor Little Bud. Sometimes biology just plain sucks, and it sucks that you apparently got dealt a bad hand], we eventually got Lilah, who much the same, is a cat. And leaving small, shiny things they can bat around out in the open is just a bad idea if you don't want to lose those things.

That's not to say that I've closed the door completely on doing more hoardscapes ever again. It's just that I'll definitely have to think about my approach carefully. One thing with my family having moved into the home that was my grandma's farm, is that I have a much bigger room now I could theoretically set up a table or something in here and keep it closed off, mostly solving the cat and "taking over a communal space" problem.

But, I guess for now, I think I have a pretty large amount of back-content to get back through - I'd even been reposting my old hoardscapes for quite a while now, and I guess I'm starting from the very beginning. So, new hoardscapes are not necessarily going to be something I rush to do. But it's not a hard-"absolutely never again" situation, either.

Anyway, I'm doing much better overall now (better meds/treatment/management, other diagnoses, living at home where I don't have to worry about day-to-day stuff falling by the wayside, etc.) , but still haven't returned to school or work because the migraines still are such that they're really not conducive to participating in capitalism - Most places are unhappy if you take more than the equivalent of 1 day per month off. I have constant low/mid-level headaches, with spikes into the upper end of the scale as the weather shifts. I can't recall a month that I haven't had at least three of those "absolutely not"-level days since all this started. In addition to them not being a consistent, predictable schedule. It just doesn't really provide a good work schedule. And the lingering fatigue is often more generally-limiting than the headaches themselves - Especially when combined with the adhd, so efforts towards self-employment/productivity of any sort are similarly sabotaged - As you no doubt might have surmised from my wildly inconsistent surges of creative output. So basically, for now, I'm still not really going to be working in a traditional sense. At most, I might pick up some of those online gig-type-things at some point, but that'll depend heavily on how that interacts with the government support payments I receive.

If nothing else, there's a good chance I'll get little projects from my family - I already transcribed my grandma's old cookbook to send around to my family, and am just waiting on my mom to help do some final edits for the text stuff. If I get really ambitious, I might try making as many of the dishes (mainly the baked goodies, lol) in there as I can to add photos into it for extra style points (and yeah, if I set out to cook everything in there, it will absolutely be a thing I make another sideblog about, and probably something I even upload content to instagram or youtube about - But that's all probably a long ways off from now). There's other stuff of my grandma's that I'll probably work on transcribing and organizing - Her "red book", as we call it, all the family history and such - Essentially a wiki before wikis were a thing (Note to future self: Is there a wiki-type thing you could use for this? It might be a more intuitive way to link entries).

Nevertheless, now that my hyperfixation seems to have swung back this way, towards creating D&D-related stuff, I'm going to keep at it. I've decided to spin off my character/lore posting to a new side-sideblog (@gobs-o-cs), and since I don't think I'll be reviewing each set of dice as I upload them again, I'll try to keep the individual set posts to a more *aesthetic*-look.

Honestly, the individual set uploads are the most I've lost with these blog resets. those comments (along with those on dicemails and such) are lost, because I generally just wrote them here and didn't think too much about backing them up anywhere.

All of the lore stuff I generally have saved in various other spots. The biggest loss on that front was all the work I'd put into organizing sub-pages on my blog for a character list and pages for individual characters. I'll definitely have to look into less-fiddly ways of keeping things sorted (Honestly, if I get really ambitious, I might have to look into those wiki-style things for writers/creators).

Okay, this was a lot longer (and maybe only a bit rambly-er) than I was planning for it to be.

(Although, when you do stream-of-consciousness-type essays rather than setting out with with any sort of specific plan, that's what'll happen. Hopefully I haven't left too many orphaned paragraphs as I've jumped around to different thoughts, lol).

The long and short of it is that this blog was exactly the sort of project I needed to give myself at a time when I was pretty much bottomed out in life. This was never a huge internet presence or anything, but I know there were quite a few people following towards the end of things. I certainly would be intimidated if I were standing up in a room and giving a presentation to well over 1000 people, not to mention other people who would reblog or like things even if they weren't specifically followers. But it was never about having a huge audience or anything like that. It's something I enjoyed, and will continue to enjoy and keep at for now. And if it re-finds its audience and continues to find an audience, well then, that's all the better.

Once again, thank you all very much for popping in here. Thank you to all of those who have liked and reblogged the silly dice photos I post, the stories I tell, and the random thoughts I follow to whatever conclusion they end up at. Especially thank you to everyone who's ever left a kind word on any of my posts - In the comments, in the tags, wherever.

I'm so glad you've all enjoyed my strange little hobby so far, and I hope you'll continue enjoying it as I work to put it all back up here, piece by piece.

[kenobiwanx]

Happy New Year!!! 🌟

First of all, I want to thank each and every one of you. Thank you for supporting me and my art. This past year was a good one for me, and that's thanks to all of you!

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I live by my art. This is my full-time job—it’s what pays my bills. And 2024 started off great: I received commissions every single month, something that hadn’t happened in previous years. That was a huge change for me, truly life-changing. I’m so grateful to everyone who decided to spend their money on my art, to trust me with your ideas, characters, and stories. It means SO much to me, and I say this from the bottom of my heart. I put everything I have into creating the best art I can for you, truly. When you message me saying how much you loved it and how much my work means to you, I cry for real. It moves me deeply. So thank you for all the kind words and support.

This is going to be a long message because I feel like I need to thank you and share a bit about myself. So, if you read all of this, you're a warrior, lol.

I don’t usually share much about myself or my personal life, but here are a few things. Well, I’m from Brazil—you probably already know that. I’m a self-taught artist, and honestly, I’m like that with everything I know how to do. I love learning on my own with the resources I have available. When I set my mind on doing something, I go all in. Drawing came into my life as a form of therapy, a way to focus on something other than my negative thoughts. I’ve always been a very anxious and depressive person and went through a lot of trauma that made things worse. Since I didn’t have the resources or support to seek professional help, I tried to find my own way—and that’s how I learned to draw!

I won’t say I’m 100% okay now because life hasn’t been easy for me. I lost my mom to breast cancer six years ago, and it had a massive impact on me and my mental health. She was my rock, my world, and losing her was devastating. She fought the disease for five years, and during that time, I was the one taking care of her, keeping the house running, and looking after my two younger siblings. I was just a teenager, but I suddenly had so many responsibilities. It messed me up a lot, but if I had to do it all over again just to have more time with my mom, I would.

I wish she were here to see how far I’ve come with my art because she was the only one who supported me back then. I know she’d be so proud of me for not giving up.

I used to do realistic traditional art before, spending a whole month on one piece. It was fun for a while, but it was just a hobby—I only sold a few pieces to family members. Then, in 2020, during the pandemic, I decided to switch to digital art. I wanted something that gave me more freedom to express myself creatively, and digital art offers that. So, I started learning. And guess who became my muse for this journey?

Yep, Pedro Pascal, lol. From my very first digital drawing, he was my go-to subject. And let me tell you, those early drawings weren’t great, poor guy, lmao. But thank God, I improved! I’m still drawing him to this day, and he’s been a huge reason I’ve gotten so many commissions since most of them are of his characters. I’m incredibly grateful to him and the roles he plays.

Anyway, I’m working on rebuilding myself, trying to move forward, achieve my goals, and take things step by step. This Christmas, I was able to buy a huge drawing tablet, which was a big milestone for me. I used to do everything on a small tablet, so this was a major upgrade—and it’s all thanks to everyone who commissioned me this year. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I hope 2025 will be just as good. I hope you’ll all stick with me and keep asking for commissions, lol. I wish you all the best in life, that you achieve everything you dream of, and that you stay healthy. Please take care of your mental health too; it’s just as important as your physical health.

I have a lot of personal projects I want to work on this year—art ideas I’ve set aside for years that I hope to finish in 2025.

This year, I plan to open commissions every month. The only exception will be if my waitlist gets full before I open them officially, like who Dm me to reserve a slot earlier, which happened in December. My DMs are always open!

I’ll also be updating my price sheet, adding new information to my terms and conditions, and increasing my prices. It’s been about two years since I last updated them, so it’s time. But don’t worry—it’ll only be an increase of about $10-$15. I still want to keep my art affordable for everyone.

I’ll sort all of that out in the coming days, so stay tuned for updates!

My January waitlist is already open, and there are a few people in line. If you want to reserve a spot, feel free! Just keep in mind the price adjustment I mentioned earlier.

I think that’s everything! I know this was a lot of text, lmao.

Thank you again, everyone! Happy New Year, and I love you all! And I love you, Pedro Pascal!

[doberbutts]

hey jaz i just want to express a little bit of despair about the state of trans discourse. it seems pretty clear to me that there is a loose clique of very online women whose main goal is to bully people for being trans 'incorrectly,' and they self identify with the baeddel label, but when people say they don't like baeddels they insist that nobody calls themselves that and people really mean all trans women. i guess just, what do we do about this? i want the harassment and transmedicalist stuff to stop but i'm seeing people i know get sucked into it and radicalized against trans men and straight trans women and even just women who are too clocky for their liking :(

Honestly I mostly disagree with you-

From the beginning, I have started talking about this nonsense on this blog in response to cis people and other trans men. In fact, it was a cis woman complaining about how she felt cursed by her attraction to men and how she hated even that she had to share space in a queer group with trans men and mlm that made me start talking about how trans guys are stuck in an impossible situation 2 years ago. A trans man was running it and kicked the trans guys who responded negatively, but kept the cis woman within the group. I left in disgust as did many of the remaining trans men, shown very clearly that "queer friendly" and "queer-focused" and even "trans leadership" does not equate to "trans friendly".

The elephant in the room is that there are certainly a small group of trans women who are engaging in the same behaviors. An even smaller percentage call themselves baeddels, referencing a group with similar politics from approximately a decade ago. And some of those will then complain that people are calling them what is an intersexist and transmisogynistic slur in response. I've commented on that before because I think it's silly- if you look like a duck, quack like a duck, waddle like a duck, and call yourself a duck... well don't be surprised if people aren't calling you a pelican.

But also- that is kind of how slur reclamation works. The in-group can call themselves that, but the out-group cannot call members of the in-group the same. After all, as much as black people may call each other "nigga", white people love to complain that they get in trouble for calling a black person a nigger. "That's MISTER Faggot to you" is all well and good but the same man probably does not appreciate straight people calling him a faggot.

You will notice that outside of pointing out usernames and behavior, I do not use the term on my blog nor do I call any trans woman that. You will also notice that I do not use the word "nigga" or "nigger" outside of examples such as the above, and never to refer to another black person. I don't like slurs. I don't want to be called them. I don't want to use them towards other people.

As far as what you can do it? This is going to sound very dismissive but- block them. Log off. Do something that isn't tumblr. Follow different people. Blacklist triggering content.

I'm being serious. If it is affecting your mental health, don't engage with it. Giving in to despair is tempting, what with the global political climate and also the actual climate, and to see the ripple effects in a space that's supposed to make you happy like tumblr really sucks. So go do something else that makes you happy.

I'm sorry that you're seeing this in your friend group. Personally, I think you need better friends. You cannot control the behavior of other people. But you can control what you do about it, how much of it you tolerate, and whether or not that person will remain a part of your life.

It is easy to feel isolated and alone as a transgender person. You have never been so surrounded by mutual love as you are today, if only you knew where to find it. The broader trans community celebrates each other. It truly is a loud minority causing a problem, not the majority.

[pearl-likes-pi]

i honestly dont know hoe to say this, but you really had a hand in shaping my brai chemistry while i was growing up, no kidding. i remember when i was 13 or so and whenever you posted a pearl rap career chapter it would unironicaly make my day (specially when you dropped the peridot chapter i had a stomach infection or smth, so that video and the last one out of beach city episode were on replay for me for a few days). its really weird seeing that rebecca managed to make a safe space for lgbt folks (it was really hard for me to accept myself as gay, it seems really simple nowadays but back then it was so discomforting to even thinm about it so su and its fandom, and by some extent, your vids, helped me externalize some feelings or queernes i guess, do you remeber when someone said your video editing was raw and masculine? lol). anyways, its wild to think i was in 5th grade when i first watched laser light canon and now im finishing my journalism course in college and seeing how this show raised me in some way and helped me to be aware of my own mental health i only have good memories, thankfully, and its really sad to see that it ended, but i honestly wouldnt have had it any other way. its kind of a long rant but id like to thank you, mackenzie, your videos made me laugh a lot when i was a teen and they still make me now. this show was truly a gift, it made us connect to something bigger and magical. this was kind of a long rant since ive kinda forgotten that su existed and remined that it existed because of some dreams lol. i remembered back then when i was super anxious about the cluster episode, i remeber checking your tumblr everyday and seeing fanon content. i really dont know how to express myself since english is not my first language and i tend to ramble on a lot on my native one, but id like to say youve made me smile a lot, it was so cool seeing you present the su podcast and being an intern at CN. i honestly wish you the best.

Dude it means so much to hear that my lil shitposts have had an impact on people!!!! I completely understand where youre coming from re: SU's impact on your life (and acceptance of queer identity) and feel the same way!!! im so grateful for this show and everything it represents. in a world without Steven Universe my current life would be completely unrecognizable. like genuinely I dont think any single aspect of my life would be the way it is without SU. which is nuts but it's true!!!

I love engaging with this community and it gave me a lot of support when I was at a place in my life where I felt pretty isolated. I'm kind of rambling now too but this seriously has been sitting in my inbox for a bit now and I just knew i needed to respond and say thank you for sharing. <3

ALSO LMAO I FORGOT ABT THE RAW AND MASCULINE COMMENT THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME HAHA

[deesseshesca]

PAC:LETTER FROM PREGNANT SELF (HIS POV) 18+

PILE 1  

It would not surprise me if your baby father was in an extremely abusive relationship with his ex. May have other kids before he meets you (only for 50% of people reading this). You  may be an sex worker. If you are a stripper, you meet that person at work and actually become each other's safe place. Only for them, the rest of y’all, there was a natural development of the relationship and unfolding of each other's life. 

My (flower name (if you have a fav flower he might call u that in his language OR  is your stage name) 

I could spend a lifetime showing my devotion to you. To say we found love in a hopeless place is such a short statement of reality. I want to apologize for all the rough ways I dealt with you. You know I became so passive with life that pouring any kind of emotion was an expensive action. I spent years trying to make it work with my ex and honestly I would rather not talk about it but since this damm (watch your words…) girl keeps trying to pull on my energy here I am. I hate talking about her, you think it is because it hurts. Sure it does, I should have never been treated that way, should have never been ridiculed and humiliated. I should have never been yelled at because of my opinions or even beat on just because I was not providing something tailor to miss extremely complicated taste. Let’s fucking face it, what have I not gave. What can a 7 figure salary can’t fucking give you ! Nothing was never good enough. I should have understood the mind game she played but before I knew it I was hooked on the devil with no prenup and the idea of puppy love we had since high school. Every time it became too much, I would come see you dance. The way you move your body to the music is so enticing, I know it’s y’all job but you felt like it was your calling. I am not saying that you are nothing but a damm stripper, no please don’t take it like that. See that’s exactly why I did not want to talk to this (watch your mouth …) tarot reader because I am not good with my words. I hate the fact that I dedicate more time to STEM classes and work meetings. I dedicate more time to academic excellence and make sure to always more than admirable professional performance thinking I would never need to use art classes a day in my life. Here I am … Words failed me because I never took the time to appreciate the things surrendering me. Always so eager to gain new things and more knowledge. You were the first in my life, I truly allow myself to be appreciated. On the stage you own it, not like you are dancing for a couple dolla bills. Almost as if you don’t give a fuck weather men are there to spend or nah. You came to bask in your power. The first time you approached me, I could not help being rude. Now I can assure it is because I was mad, I knew you were approaching me to secure your bag. I wanted more, I wanted to matter to you as much as you matter to me. You left the first meeting with a stink face and you would have probably never dealt with me, if I never ordered that VIP room. Always came with more money each time. Taking more money from my wife's allowance to let it rain on you. It was my sweet revenge. Each time you never let go, like you use on stage. Guess you were not fond of me which confirms to me that it was not for the money. That also shows the amount of self respect you had for yourself in an industry that prides itself on destroying mental health in the name of a couple Benjamin. Then one day I ask you to sit down, apologize for the way I was treating you. Instead of making it rain, I put the money in your hands and ask you for a chat. Your face shows no judgment but instead mercy. You did not pride yourself on a broken man and I stop seeing you as only my distraction. The VIP with no dancing, bringing you back home after spending long hours at work, then finally following you at your apartment finishing the night with some intense love making. It was fun not being objectified for once in the bedroom. My wife likes to find pride in my beautiful big dick … I guess I only matter that way.

There's more ....

[damian-al-ghul-wayne]

What do you think about Damian possibly developing DID/OSDD-1 later in life? What he's lived through is most definitely traumatic, even if he loves him mom and doesn't think of it as such. He's killed people, and most likely died himself, by ages 4-11 which is commonly when DID can develop, even if it shows later in life. I just think its such a cool concept that nobody acknowledges but honestly I doubt he would either for a while.😭 He looks up to Richard and we know he copes by hallucinating pretty often so maybe Damian just assumes that's what happens when you get older and those voices he hears have no other, possibly worrying, explanations :)

Sorry that was a dumb little rant

I GIGGLED AND KICKED MY FEET AT THIS ASK BECAUSE IVE BEEN WAITING TO TALK ABOUT IT!!

I do believe that Damian would possibly start developing DID later in the future due to his trauma! I think he looks at it as a way to cope, for sure, and now... I know I may make people a bit weirded out by this, but I can also see Damian using age regression as a form of coping. His childhood was shit. He never got to experience a good childhood, so I believe he'd have moments where he felt safe enough to be able to regress... for example, he'd regress when it came to like doing something for the first time that is usually meant for a child / entertainment. IF that makes sense. Regression can also easily come hand in hand with DID (at least, that's what I know of. I'm not a 100% expert on this, so please correct me if I'm wrong in anyway. Mun is also struggling with themselves because mun is like 50% sure that they have DID as well, but is struggling with it if that makes sense.)

I think it's a wonderful concept to look at. I'm always open to talking about it because nobody ever talks about Damian's mental health.

Since we're on the topic of Damian's mental health and its effects! I'd like to talk about how I think Damian would develop a personality disorder.

There's three clusters, and I think he'd fall into either cluster b or c. I've always played my Damian to have BPD (cluster b), along with a mood disorder (which is bipolar) because I think it really fits with how Damian reacts to situations in the comics. His mood changes really fast, and sometimes, he reacts out of anger. He's a very complex and complicated character, and I truly think the way he handles his emotions would be very unstable or explosive. Maybe I'm just overthinking it personally or looking TOO much into it, but I can definitely see him falling into that category or even NPD.

Damian Wayne really interests me because he has so many symptoms for things, yet I know DC will never mention it nor acknowledge it. That's also why I like exploring his mental health a lot on my blog because it's overlooked a lot. People tend not to care for it, which kinda frustrates me, I guess. Like compared to Tim Drake, for instance, people know he's struggling / struggled with mental health because they've shown that in the comics. With Damian, though, it's only implied. Heavily implied yet so overlooked. 💔

Sorry this turned into a big rant over Damian's mental health rather than what this actual ask was about.

But yes. I do think it would be really interesting to see Damian develop DID in the future. Or at least a personality disorder.

[clusterlgbt]

You know - I’ve been thinking a lot about fakeclaiming lately, and about faking disorders in general. And I’ve realized I don’t care, and I hate fakeclaimers way more than I hate fakers, and I’d rather support 100 fakers than doubt 1 one person who may or may not be real.

First of all, obviously there are some people who fake (or even just exaggerate!) their symptoms due to a mental illness to begin with. Factitious disorder, HPD, etc. There’s also the hypochondriacs, people with health related OCD, etc that might "fake" without realizing due to accidentally self-diagnosing. Or wrong self-diagnosis (or wrong professional diagnosis!) in general. And there’s also people who are just misinformed.

I guess I am annoyed by the people who are like “oh i get distracted sometimes so that means i have adhd” but i don’t really count that as faking. That’s just not understanding.

In fact, I won’t even fakeclaim people who clearly CAN’T have the disorder. What I mean by that is, well, for example, you have to be 18 to be diagnosed with ASPD. But that doesn’t mean you fall asleep NT on your last day of being 17 and then you wake up with ASPD on your 18th birthday. So if I see a minor self-dxed with ASPD, I don’t think fakeclaiming them does much good.

I have 2 disorders that arent even in the DSM - maladaptive daydreaming disorder and c-ptsd. Does this mean people have the right to fakeclaim me? And if so, what does that mean about my symptoms? Does it mean they're less real because they're not technically a part of a legal diagnosis?

I'll be honest - and it's hard for me to confess this - occasionally I've seen some disorders that I doubt “really exist”…for example i’m often skeptical of things like ODD and conduct disorder. I think most of the time, that’s just kids not wanting to be controlled by authority and it’s often overdiagnosed in minorities and/or abused kids. But I won’t claim those disorders don’t exist at all, because clearly people exhibit those behaviors and suffer because of it. And even if someone IS misdiagnosed, well clearly that's because they're suffering in some way, right? Yes, as a youth liberation activist, I do think ODD is often overdiagnosed, and I often wonder if it'd exist at all if the youth were truly free. But until they are truly free and we can actually figure that out, who I am to claim that it's not real?

Lately, the internet likes to argue if certain addictions exist. Porn, sex/masturbation, the internet itself, gaming, etc. I'm skeptical of most of these myself, not because I don't think they're addictive whatsoever but because, again, I think it's a label that is often slapped on to people by sex-negative people, luddites, etc. But, like, man - if I see someone that says to have those disorders i’m not gonna fucking say “no you don’t, those things don’t exist.” I’m gonna offer support!

Clearly if people are DXing themself with something its cuz they think something is wrong and they deserve support. Wild concept, right?

It's also why i hate the whole concept of “oh you’re not mentally ill you’re just a teen/stressed/Going Through Something.” Even if that IS the case, they still deserve support, and honestly if someone even "just temporarily" or "just barely fits" the criteria for a mental illness or PD or whatever I’m not gonna tell them theyre lying and that it’s temporary and that they shouldn’t self dx. Situational mental illness and borderline mental illness (not BPD, literally towing the line between having a diagnosis and not) are very real things. So even if someone claims to have a disorder despite missing one or two DSM criteria, I am not gonna tell them they don't have that disorder.

Like…….someone saying “I have BPD” or “I have depression” or “I have psychosis” in a self-diagnose context isn’t just giving you a disorder - they’re also telling you SYMPTOMS and BEHAVIORS that describe what they’re going thru, or think they’re going thru, and by fakeclaiming you’re basically telling them, “No, you’re not.”

So no, I don't fakeclaim anyone. Even if they're a minor with ASPD. Even if they have a disorder that I don't technically think should exist in the DSM. Even if they have a disorder that DOESN'T exist in the DSM. Even if they have two or more disorders that completely conflict with one another, such as say, AVPD and HPD.

There is absolutely a time for us antipsych/psych-critical activists to critique the DSM. There is absolutely a time to talk about how certain disorders will be overdiagnosed in certain minorities (and underdiagnosed in others, but my G-d, that is a rant for another time and day because that in itself is a whole book). There is absolutely a time to talk about how something that's classified as a disorder shouldn't be a disorder at all (transmeds, if you've read this far, fuck off, my gender is not a mental illness).

But there's also, more often, times to just let people be. Do not fakeclaim anyone, even if you really doubt them. Even people who truly do intentionally fake are people who are needy of attention and support in some other ways. And whining about how they fake being mentally ill does not help them.

[novashelby]

I think you need to go easy on people having a very natural curiosity and speculating on personal lives. We literally do it in casual, everyday settings (ie office life, school, hobby groups, etc). I understand your disdain and protective attitude towards your muse, but it’s not taking into account that a vast majority of readers on Tumblr have very real mental health challenges—myself included, where spending time lusting and being curious about a wildly attractive and mesmerizing actor and character plays a big role in distraction, dopamine release, curiosity about human behavior, deciphering cues, etc. Even his coworkers are intrigued and nosy about his personal life. While this is no excuse for poor behavior, it may shine light that fighting this urge of gossip is a lot harder than you think when the fan fiction, media and the way human minds work all come together to leave big impressions.

The message is heard loud and clear. Calling it sick and implying it’s some twisted, abnormal, unconscionable behavior is just not in line with reality. Yes, gossip can do real harm, but please try for a softer tone and realize many of the writings produced on here only add fuel to the fire of lust/dreaming/wanting to feel closer to the subject. Your message will be much better accepted.

This was actually meant for @cillmequick, apparently, but I am going to answer it.

Firstly, my overall objective was: we are too invested in their personal lives. Their personal lives should be off limits. We should love and admire their work, but allow them to clock out like everyone else.

Personally, I don't give a fuck about CILLIAN MURPHY. What I mean by that, I don't care about his marriage, I don't care about his work out routine, don't care about his family life, I don't care about what he does in his free time, I don't give a fuck if he got a hair cut, I don't give two flying shits if he got a tattoo. He's allowed to enjoy those things without me up in his ass. I care about him in regards to his work and what he says about his work.

Quite honestly, I could walk out of my house right now and see him, and not spazz out. Why? Because we are all human and share this planet. I'd do a wave, say hi, and allow him to live his life.

People are too much. I'm sorry you found my language harsh, but that is life. Personally, I couldn't write a RPF because it's just too much for me. I love his CHARACTERS. RPF is fine, I get it. People know it's fake. But it's more of just everything else that comes with it; gossip, harmful speculations, slander, degrading, harassing a human. I'm not going to come at someone for enjoying Cillian fics. Do your thing. Just do it respectfully.

What I am annoyed with is people up in business that they don't belong in, and grabbing information and being harmful with it.

And truly, I am sorry if you were hurt by my words. I understand people are going to be nosy...that's just being human. It's more how you do it and what you do with the information you have, sort of thing.

And I'm sorry you are struggling with mental health issues. Though, if you are relying on a celebrity for a daily dopamine hit, I really would suggest finding other outlets. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm being serious. Famous people cannot adhere to your expectations and one day, he may do something you really hate, and then you're left without. They can't and aren't your image of what you want them to be. So, I really suggest finding another outlet; hiking, walking, painting, drawing, journaling, writing, yoga, and so on. Exercise is a really good dopamine boost...even if it's just a little stretching. I say this as someone who struggles with GAD, CTSD, PTSD, Panic Disorder, and depression.

Please take care and I didn't mean to be harmful with my words. I just wish people understood personal space a little more. Have possibly a little more dignity and respect, I guess. Sorry, I may sound all jumbled. I have been sick.

Kisses.

[honeybee-bard]

Writing Interview Tag Game

My internet is finally back! Thank you to @nyx-knox for the tag. It's a long one, so buckle the fuck up y'all.

When did you start writing?

I'm the child of two English majors and I wrote little stories in my journals as a kid, probably as young as five or six. I started writing fanfiction specifically when I was about 15 and wrote Ed Sheeran smut and putting it on tumblr, which I absolutely should not have been doing for internet safety reasons but what's done is done and tbh it was some solid writing. I then stopped writing for an entire decade due to mental health issues. I started writing my Falling Star fic in...April, probably? So between that and my WIPs, I went a decade without writing and then suddenly pumped out a couple hundred thousand words in less than six months. Go big or go home I guess!

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

Honestly, not really. I'm a slut for spawn Astarion smut what can I say.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

There are none I can remember ever being compared to, but there are lots of other fic writers that I try to learn a little from each time I read their work.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I still live at home, so my writing space is at my gaming PC at the desk in my bedroom. The entire place is a huge mess and tbh it stresses me out a little but I have a lot going on right now so it is what it is. There's usually coffee and/or weed within arm's reach when I'm writing.

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

Something that's really surprised me in my return to creative writing is how easily inspiration has continued coming to me. Sometimes I worry that I'll lose it, but I keep having more ideas than I can get onto paper, and I've just barely begun exploring writing characters other than Astarion and Wynlana, so I think I'll have enough inspiration to continue writing for a very long time.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

Smut! So much of it! And it doesn't surprise me in the slightest because I am a terrible, horny little goblin bastard.

What is your reason for writing?

I love my job (I work in early childhood education), but I realized it was at the point where it was taking over my entire life. I went on medical leave after having top surgery, and I decided to spend a lot of the time writing. Having a creative outlet has been very good for me, and the added motivation of people actually liking it has been a huge confidence boost.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

One of the first comments I got was complimenting my prose and how everything flowed and I think about it nearly every time I write. Those had been some of my biggest concerns that delayed me posting the first few chapters of the fic, so that comment really meant a lot.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I'd never really thought much about this tbh. I think a lot about how my writing will be perceived, but not so much about how I as a writer might be perceived. I care way too much about what people think of me irl so it's a nice break tbh

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I'm a stubborn bitch which means I'll keep rewriting and reworking a scene until I'm truly proud of it. There have been scenes I've had to change significantly or cut for various reasons, but not many I've scrapped entirely. I'm very persistant.

How do you feel about your own writing?

Honestly, pretty confident! I thoroughly enjoy re-reading what I've written, and all of the feedback I've gotten so far has been positive. It's been a boost to my irl mental health to have something I both enjoy and am good at outside of work, and it's nice for it to be something lower stakes than "keeping 5+ toddlers at a time from trying to kill themselves in the most creative ways possible". I love them, but it's a lot of pressure!

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

Everything I write is something I've decided I might enjoy writing, but sometimes I write something and get really excited knowing my readers are going to love it. The other day I was editing an emotional scene and couldn't wait to show my beta reader because I knew she was going to love it.

No-pressure tags (sorry if any of you have done it already and I just didn't see lol): @bardic-inspo @pinkberrytea @locallegume @marlowethebard @kimberbohwrites

[crookedkryptonitebeliever]

Okay no joke if I was Yves I’d be mad as hell too, like you chose this sloppy, forgetful man over HIM??? the same man that literally has your genetic sequence down to the allele by heart?? Knows all of your genetic information so well that it would put 23 and me to shame!! Not only that but like I think there was an ask about how an anon believes that Monty would’ve honestly attached himself to anyone who was just there at the right time meanwhile Yves’ love for his darling is entirely unique and under any circumstances he never feel this way for anyone else. Like UGH with Yves it’s literally all or nothing, if it’s no you, he doesn’t want it. But with Montgomery, if another person showed up he would’ve been acting the same with that person and not you!! Like his love isn’t “unique” I guess in a way.

Ooo I’d be so upset too. I wonder like has he ever at least THOUGHT about trying to do some technological fuckery to end the relationship between his darling and Montgomery? Like perhaps, doctor some text messages, do voice impersonations or create a voice impersonator so that he could make it seem like Monty was cheating on his darling, causing her to run into his arms. It would b EUREKA 💡 as f because he wouldn’t have to kill Monty bc he actually didn’t do it, and she’s no long with him. But RATS he probably wouldn’t want to bring that sort of pain onto his darling especially with the harsh feeling of betrayal, that can mentally scar someone for years, a feeling that Yves probably is quite familiar with :(.

Buttt at the same time we do have instances (such as if the reader was really old or suffering from terminal health issues) where he would lean more towards being selfish as long as you stay with him, so in certain circumstances he is selfish enough to let you go through pain as long as you’re with him. But dang now that I’m typing this, I’m like that’s probably not that good of a comparison, one’s a relationship and the other is your life.

Also he probably wouldn’t want to take away any of his darlings happiness either, but dang like what if it was something more subliminal maybe like you unconsciously hearing subliminal messages telling you to leave Monty and that all you need is Yves because he’s the only one that can make you truly happy Mann I don’t know 😔.

But at the same time I’m ngl!! I can kinda see why some of y’all like Monty. I think it was Chapter 39?? When he busted through the door of the house and essentially mollywhopped everyone. I was like wait,,, why is he kinda,,, I guess like some of the guilt of not being there for the reader coupled with what he heard was just enough to make him snap and go into a rage. And some people are probably more comfortable around someone who’s like Monty as compared to Yves.

But also like really quick! Does Monty have the same level of unconditional love as Yves? Like I think I remember reading somewhere that you could essentially try anything you want and Yves will NOT leave you, like he has permanently cemented himself to your side literally FOREVER like it’s almost cosmic in a way. I wonder if Monty has that same level of patience but in his own way.

Zhats enough of my unintelligible ramblings and questions, your last post really did it 4 me ooo I wanted to bite my phone!! Love your work!!!!!

the other ask in question

Holy fuckin shit anon thank u so much for ur thoughts i would love to hear moar feel free to ramble more in my asks!!1 these are the types of stuff that also keeps me going with my writing

also i got like newest installation where yves interacts with yan older bro

naw YVes wouldnt like paint monty as a cheater because the pain fuckin HURTS man, he would rather be cucked like indefinitely than let you go through the horrors of recovering from such betrayal, plus there is a chance that you get so hurt that you didn't want to be in a relationship anymore or even ASSOCIATED with men anymore, so Yves just shot himself in the foot

He's only selfish when it comes to keeping you with him, so too bad if you are facing horrors of the mind, you are getting revived

Yves is defnitely using the subliminal messages to his advantage. you would probably be all like "ewww" to Monty after the first few days, weeks if you're particularly into sad, dirty men. but true love can really work past that and there really isn't much he could do without devastating you

Oh yeah Monty's love is fr unconditional, if you are abusive to him, he will take it. Altho he would cry in secret, praying to god that you will one day change your ways and stop abusing him, he will never leave even if everyone around him tells him to. He would stay until he's dead or police actually caught you beating him into a pulp, but even then, he would say it was his fault for provoking you -- he would try everything in his power to get you out of trouble.

He isn't like YVes in a sense that he tries to change you, he will just beg pathetically and get fucked over and over without learning his lesson.

If you're dead, he's dead. Simple as. Nothing will get in the way of Monty's quest to be by your side as soon as possible.

thanx 4 reading my stuff anon ur analysis really made my day i love reading yalls thoughts

[burby2007]

I need to apologize I need to take a break for a while I might occasionally post something Eddsworld related but yeah going to take a break I'm a very mentally ill person and sometimes during a mental breakdowns I do some not great things mostly just cry and wish death upon myself and tell people that they deserve so much better than me which sadly I still agree with I generally don't understand why anybody wants to do with me but they do the main reason why I wanted to take a break because of my disappointment in the team on Eddsworld

I don't dislike them but there's certain attributes about the team that I'm not a big fan of me and one of my friends agree that Matt's kind of seems a little greedy now I know especially one of my fans / friends will disagree and you know what she has the right to feel that way I like Matt but he's kind of seeming like he's a little greedy with certain things but that's just me no one's truly perfect I'm not a big fan though so they did the Yootuz thing with tord like the man just wants to be left alone you probably what about the end part 1 and 2 honestly yeah it's kind of the same thing but when it comes to that at least it actually has some married to it because without tord it really would have been the end.

Anyways here's my opinion about the crew the animators no issue with really honestly I like no issue with 90% of the crew the only ones I have an issue with is really just I think I'll have an issue with Matt possibly to be fair I can judge him completely though we truly don't know what's going on behind the scenes and I guess diei because I texted him and he has never responded for like 2 weeks and it really bothers me even though he said he's busy a lot but at this point I just gave up sorry that he doesn't like me or something.

Also another issue I have is Beyond's kind of slowly going downhill like the comedies kind of stretched out and honestly that's all it's more commercialized and it's ever been which that I'm nutshell isn't bad but the marketing is like so forced it's kind of annoying and honestly like Tom's voice actor like makes a kind of worse because it's like it's like such a marketing voice it's kind of sad but you know he's a good voice actor so I can't hate him too much now with all these criticisms towards the crew do I hate Eddsworld no do I need to take a break from them yes it does not help the fact I am still grieving over my father in my mental health is slowly decreased ever since his passing and I worry that I'm going to say something wrong so I should probably take a break.

That doesn't mean I'm completely done with Eddsworld forever though I think I'm forever stuck to it call me edd head addict if you will but I think it's time for me to step down for a little bit I hope you all be okay and understand it it might not be a long break to be honest cuz my attention spans like a nutshell so I don't know I do know one thing I'll never talk any of the Eddsworld members ever again Miuns if they want to talk to me or something which we all know they don't want to. But yeah um its edd day soo yeah im tried so gn

I love you edward

[devilsrecreation]

New episode idea

An episode like that of TAWOG’s “The Choices” where Kiburi reflects on the events of Season 2 after a particularly chaotic day. While talking with Hukumu, he wonders what things might have been like if he hadn’t tried to take Simba down

-What if he kept his mouth shut?: He’d definitely still be in the Pridelands, that’s for sure. The only time Kiburi would actually talk is the first few minutes he and the rest woke up, but if he didn’t say or do anything else after? I guess some of the other crocodiles would be complaining anyway, albeit amongst themselves and even then they’d be content with the watering hole everyone gets. It’d be good for everyone else with Scar not getting to have crocs on his team, BUT what about Kiburi? It’s just him bottling up all his emotions and that would cause his mental health to go down the drain…so much so, he starts pushing everyone away and maybe make him insane? He doesn’t want to know

“Yeah, I’d like to keep my sanity”

-What if he succeeded in killing Simba?: Things honestly go GREAT for him at first: Makuu’s banished from the float and probably the Pridelands as well, he’s Scar’s best warrior, crocs are ruling the land, things are finally going his way. As the days pass, he soon realizes that his sister’s actually pretty miserable cuz all she sees is her home in disarray and the love of her life pretty much gone (Makuu isn’t dead, but because he lost all his moxie he might as well be). Not to mention Scar would most likely throw him under the bus and there would be nobody to help due to lack of the Lion Guard, so it’s a scenario of “I won, but at what cost?”

“Maybe it’s better if I didn’t win that one…”

-What if Piga were still alive?: “There’s no way dad would let me do something like that no matter how old I am…”

-What if his friends never agreed to help him?: Tamka, Nduli, and Neema would do anything for him, but if that wasn’t the case…then he’d go rogue. Maybe he’d try to take Simba down himself, only to be stopped by the guard and banished. Then he’d truly be all alone working with animals who don’t care about him…not like his loved ones did-

“Well now everyone’s miserable..”

-What if Ucheshi joined him?: Everything’s the same, but Ucheshi participates. They’d be a killer evil sibling duo, he’ll give it that much. Hell, with Ucheshi’s brain and Kiburi’s brawn, they’d be the most OP in Scar’s army. They’d win every battle, slowly take over the Pridelands…then Ucheshi would decide this isn’t enough. She wants MORE chaos, MORE fighting, MORE animals running away from her, she just wants to go APESHIT and….wait, why does she have a murderous look in her eye? Okay maybe this has gone too far-

“*shivers* Thank the kings Ucheshi isn’t evil”

-What if he left willingly?/What if Ushari (and Scar) never proposed the idea in the first place?: Ig this is the best outcome. He’d still join Scar’s army, he’d just skip the whole “trying to assassinate Simba” thing, instead meeting Ushari while in the Outlands and meets Scar then. Even if it was a legit mashindano, he’d still be allowed to stay when he loses cuz you only get exiled from the float so TECHNICALLY he’s still allowed in the Pridelands either way (and ofc his friends go wițh him too so it works out)

But after all that thinking, Kiburi remembers all the good times he has in his new home: befriending his fellow Outlanders, the lessons he’s learned by making mistakes, how he’s a parent now, how he got to meet the love of his life, etc. He reflects on all of it and ends up being like “you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing” :)

[halsteadlover]

Just a little rant here about my personal life so feel free to skip lol

I know nobody is gonna read this and I’ll probably delete this when I’ll come to my senses but right now I feel so depressed I just need to get this out of my chest. I always felt tumblr like a safe space so here I am.

I don’t know if you remember the times where I took some time off because of anxiety and my mental health.

Lately it feels like it’s getting worse and I really don’t know what to do, I don’t know if many of you will relate (I really hope not) but it’s just like I don’t know how to be happy and I really hate it here man. I’m so tired of feeling like this, always worrying and having anxiety about something I don’t even know about. I feel so crazy sometimes you know? Like there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m honestly so grateful for the things god gave me. I’m healthy, I have a loving family (even if sometimes they’re overbearing to the point of crazy), I get to study for my dream job, I have a bf that puts up with my ass, friends even if few of them, there’s nothing wrong there are so many worse things people go through and I don’t even have to right to rant about any of this. So why do I feel like I don’t deserve any of this?

I have such deep trust issues it’s ruining my life and relationships, I don’t know why. I hate myself and I sometimes think I don’t deserve to be loved, I’m not that speciale and I’m so damn insecure that every good thing that happens in my life I can’t help but think it’s gonna fade in a minute, that something bad might happen, that I’m so easily replaceable.

Sometimes I truly think that if I disappeared no one would notice or miss me, I thought about doing it but I’m so damn scared. I don’t know where this is coming from, maybe the bullying had something with it I don’t honestly know but I’m so tired of feeling like this.

Why can’t I just love me? Why can’t I enjoy a single good thing that happens to me? Why do I keep sabotage myself by thinking I don’t deserve any happiness and it’ll soon fade away?

For example, these last two days I took three different exams and even though I’m relieved I can’t help but think I’m such a failure, that my parents are so disappointed in me for taking so long to finish a degree I was supposed to finish years ago.

I had an anxiety attack yesterday morning while I was with my bf and I sobbed for hours while he held me but if you ask me what triggered it I wouldn’t know how to answer you.

Why am I like this? Why am I not normal?

It’s just a bit of everything and I honestly don’t know what to do.

But please don’t judge me. I’m aware these “problems” are nowhere serious like some others and I’m so sorry for being so dramatic it’s just… I don’t know guys, I just want to be happy, to feel loved without actually thinking about the worst.

Am I soo pretentious? Do I sound so ungrateful? Complaining about these things when I have everything some people unfortunately dream of? I don’t want to sound like that and I feel so guilty about having these thoughts.

I know you’ll think I’m an attention seeker, fishing for compliments or things like that, I’ve been told that before here and I’m so sorry if it seems that way but trust me it’s the opposite of that. I’m telling this here because I guess it’s easier behind the screen, when no one knows you and can really judge you, but I also thing you’ll judge me anyway but at least it was good for me to let this out.

If someone reads this I hope you won’t think of me any less, and if you’re feeling something like this too I’m so sorry and if you want to talk my inbox and DMs are ALWAYS open for you guys, I’m here even if it takes me some time to answer.

Sorry if something doesn’t make any sense, I didn’t even read this back I’m just cried my eyes out while writing this post and now I have a headache. At least I hope the sleeping will be good lmao.

But tomorrow will be better, I’m sure of this.

[beardedjoel]

Hi Julie, I can attempt to ask you this off anon if it would be more appropriate. I fully understand if you don’t want to answer this on your blog so please feel free to delete truly lol but another anon recently asked you about coping with mental health stuff & in your reply you mentioned getting on meds even when maybe you didn’t want to, I might be misremembering. I was wondering if you would be willing to share a little bit about that experience. I’m the around your age. This past year has been very difficult for me, to the point where I haven’t worked in 9 months and had to move back in with family which itself is not good for me. It’s super embarrassing and it’s a long story, but essentially it comes back down to intense depression. I guess not just that but it’s a huge factor. I am so ashamed I haven’t gotten my shit together at this point in my life and tired of bothering close friends with it for even a single second, so I pretend I am figuring it out. But I am not. Everything hurts more than I would ever admit because it’s embarrassing. I took meds in my early 20s and had reeeeally bad experiences with them. I think at this point, I need to give it another try but it makes me so nervous. I already have to take other meds for chronic health issues and I detest the idea of being reliant on another thing especially when it feels like doctors themselves never really know what meds you need or why you need the thing you need. Anyway, I’m sorry this is really intense and truly please feel free to ignore since this is so irrelevant to this blog. I love your writing and it’s helped me escape a lot this past year. Thank you for sharing your work with us. ❤️

hey friend. no worries if you're not comfortable off anon, i totally understand that. i want this to be a space that people feel comfortable in and i'm happy to answer this ask fully and honestly if it helps even one person feel less alone 💖 i want to do you justice for how much you shared so buckle up, i'm sure this is gonna be a long one and my yapping tendencies will come out

i just wanna start by saying having depression and that affecting your life drastically should never ever be something to be embarrassed about. ik easier said than done, but working on accepting that it's okay to have these struggles is a good place to start for you to move forward. and please do keep reaching out to your friends. i get the same way at times, where i totally hide a lot of what i'm feeling from people and put on a front. i feel pressure to be bubbly and chatty and somewhat entertaining to people because that can be who i am when i'm doing well but i feel it's expected of me even when i'm not okay. but in the end, when i share that i'm struggling, it always feels better to know a friend has my back or even just knows that i'm not okay, so they can be there if i need something.

to get into the meds thing a bit, i guess i'll say i was on sertraline a few years back, didn't like that one so i switched to lexapro. that one worked really pretty well for me for maybe 1.5-2years-ish? until the side effects kind of caught up to me and the bad outweighed the good. so i went off of it at the beginning of 2024, thinking i would see how i could cope on my own without the meds and just doing therapy.

i had a lot of outside factors coming into play last year that were out of the normal so it affected my mental health a lot more than other times in my life. through the end of summer and fall, i was very very depressed on and off struggling with a bunch of medical stuff and i just wasn't coping well anymore trying to adjust my life to a new normal of having chronic pain. my anxiety and depression were just so bad, i wasn't really prioritizing anything good in my life and i felt super stuck i guess. i made the decision to go back on medication in november after thinking about it for months. it was really really hard to accept that i couldn't even go a year without my mental health spiraling to the point where i didn't know how to handle it anymore.

i completely understand not wanting to add more medication on, cause with my health this past year i've been taking different things and all that and i do hate feeling reliant on medication which is why i put off seeing a psychiatrist again for so long. but after kind of trying to put that aside to see what would happen, i've had a great experience these last few months. i'm trying a new class of medication, so i'm on wellbutrin now and so far i am really liking it. if that changes, i'm going to make sure to not give up and try something else. i'm trying to stay open and positive to the experience, and even had to add on a second medication to the wellbutrin because i really love how it makes me feel overall but it was making my voluntary tics really bad, so this extra one is mellowing me out a little. SOOO all that's to say that there are so many options, different combinations of medication or classes of mental health meds out there to try until you find something that works for you.

i don't know if i'll be on these forever, i always hope not. but if it helps me cope, i'll keep trying it. my goal is to be in a better place and not have to take them anymore, but maybe i just have a brain that has a hard time doing it all on it's own. it's a hard road to accept that kinda but i'd rather accept that than feel the way i felt last year, cause it was bad. sorry this was just like. insanely long WOW. i got on a roll! if you want to discuss anything further you can anon me again or even dm me if you feel comfy. and just know that i love you and am rooting for you! 💗

[cinemaglow]

This isn't going to be very coherent I'm sorry. I'm not a Buck-Tick superfan. I very easily *could* be but I've held myself back since I don't really have the time and energy to invest and become voraciously obsessed with a band like when I was younger. I haven't listened to all their albums. I've only watched or read a few translated interviews. Idk why I feel like I have to preface this post like this. I guess it's just weird that this is the most profoundly affected I've been by a musician's death in years, and I don't even have the encyclopedic knowledge that I do for some other musicians to have built a parasocial relationship on. I think it speaks for the depths of the beauty that Sakurai contained, that even while maintaining a respectful distance and just catching a surface level glinpse of his inner life he was so, so compelling. And even though I never learned a lot about his personal life I feel a kinship with him.

There are a few bands that have changed my life, not just in a general sense but in specific, measurable ways. Buck-Tick is one of them. I've had treatment resistant depression for most of my life. In 2020 I was, not as actively suicidal as I have occasionally been, but just so so tired and hopeless. I couldn't imagine a future for myself and I was fully prepared to never get out of bed again until I starved and decomposed. Somebody shared a picture of Sakurai on tumblr. I don't remember who or why or what picture but I thought he was compelling and beautiful and me being always a slut for men with long hair I was like 👀👀👀 and that's what led me to Buck-Tick.

Discovering Buck-Tick in late 2020 convinced me to keep fighting for my life. In fact it was reading the translation of these particular lyrics that literally gave my an epiphany or an internal eucatastrophe, like something fundamentally changed in the workings of my brain and the trajectory of my life made a sharp turn:

Your living heartbeat in this world is ephemeral, but it’s beautiful

The living heartbeat of everything in this world is ephemeral, but even so it shines

Your living heartbeat in this world—there’s nothing sad at all

A person I love can live in this world—there’s nothing sad at all

It's honestly kind of cheesy that something can change your outlook so immediately but I remember distinctly realizing that living depressed and miserable is still being a living person and therefore an expression of the goodness and beauty in the universe. I sobbed. I felt truly glad to be alive for the first time in a long, long time. I posted as much on facebook, so you could actually go back and find the exact date it happened. Anyway. I accepted that even if I never get completely better it's still worth fighting to be a bit better. I started grad school. I've made it alive through a lot of rancid shit associated with grad school. I still feel an underlying current of hope and ?cosmic joy? even when my more immediate mental health takes a nosedive because my fundamental view of the world has changed.

People who are a lot more knowledgeable about Sakurai's personal life than I am are posting about how even though he struggled deeply all his life he always fought to live, to find the beauty inherent in living, and that mindset clearly came through in his words and music, because he transmitted it to me. He was so, so beautiful, his mind, voice, countenance, artistry.....he and the rest of the band gave me a blueprint for aging fabulously when I literally couldn't picture myself being middle aged. I think he did a good job, with everything. I kind of feel the same way now as I did when I found out about a friend's suicide earlier this year. Like, it's all okay for him, on his end. One of my spiritual beliefs is that death is a reward, a well earned rest after engaging in the Sacred Work of living. Even if it's a few decades earlier than expected Sakurai deserves to rest after all he's given and I'm happy for him. It's the rest of us that have lost something. It's like we have one less star in the sky. I kind of had a dream that maybe I could make so stage clothes for him one day but oh well.

I was up for several hours just kind of numb last night after I heard the news so I am going to get something to eat and go back to bed for a bit (being unemployed does come with privileges haha). I'm feeling a lot more at peace now than I was last night. Later on I'm going to take a shower and then paint my nails, which seems like the best thing I can do at the moment to honor him. And I'm going to keep living, and making beautiful gothy clothes, and putting more beauty out into the world and appreciating the beauty that is always there no matter what happens.

[caribbean-ace]

Alright so it’s been a hot minute since i’ve been here, life truly gets in the way and i feel that i’m going through the motions but finally after the buzz has settled i wanted to reflect a bit on Station 19 season 6.

I think we’re standing at a different place than we were by the end of season 5 and i believe that’s great. We went from that insanity -not in a good way- of season to something much much better. Few changes were made and it showed from the very beginning of season 6. To put it simply it was raw, by far the rawest season in terms of storyline, obviously because of what Maya went through, the repercutions it had on Carina and so on… Mental health was the overall arc for season 6 and honestly? I loved how it played out… Fair to say a LOT of people saw themselves in Carina and Maya which sparked the conversation -the very much needed conversation-

It was a rollercoaster but i’m glad we went through those moments because it lead to a healthier outcome instead of a quick fix it showed a more realistic side of a journey that can’t be taken lightly. On the other hand i wished they would’ve handled the Beckett story a bit better, by the end of it the writers made a good job by Vic checking up on him and just sparkling that conversation. I enjoyed the brief love triangle between Andy/Eli/Travis, it would have been funnier that they explored that angle deeper but i guess it turned out alright.

The expectations were so high when a female chief was announced but it turns out that it was just another love interest for a man, love to see it (please notice the sarcasm). While i don’t mind that Ross had history with Sullivan i kinda hated how her character just became the woman simping for the guy. They tried to redeem her a bit but it wasn’t enough. I would have LOVED that she actually made some changes within SFD to support women and actually make things better. Remember the storyline about fighting sexism? Yeah, me too. Anyways it was terrible that she was shamed for having a consensual relationship with another adult but it makes me grit my teeth the double standards: the whole you’re heroic for basically organizing a mutiny but when someone breaks protocol for saving a life that’s wrong or having a relationship with someone who outranks you but we’re totally ignoring that too, i get it, it’s for the sake of drama but certain things needs to make sense.

All that leads me to Andy being captain, we all saw it coming, there’s no way Maya was going to be captain again -at least not while being on 19- and while it should have been handled a bit better (the woman does have ambitions and putting a pause to pursue her dreams to heal does not mean she needs to abandon it) i think Andy deserved something a bit better, not just: alright you’re captain now. At least her first “shift” as captain was packed with action but still…

And that also brings me to Theo: at first he was like alright, laid back dude, gets the job done but the second he got promoted it’s like it flipped a switch on him especially being such an ass to Vic for absolutely no reason like ??? But at least she left him, i really liked how she pointed out that being happy for her friend does not mean she’s not supporting him (i wonder if that friendship also extends to Maya, after yk, call her a nasty person and do absolutely nothing to stand for her. Yes i will always be bitter about how everyone turned their backs on Maya).

Jack can’t seem to catch a break and God knows what’s gonna happen to him but at least he’s healthier and trying to stay out of other people’s relationships which i’m glad. I loved how Ben and Miranda where kinda there for Maya and Carina (i say kinda because it’s not like Maya had the greatest support out there but Ben did listen so that’s something. Also shout out to Diane, she’s incredible and i love whenever she appears)

Finally -because this is way too long lol- we know where we are standing in terms of Maya and Carina growing their family, for a solid minute i thought well, they are being ambiguous because it’s probably leading to that but no, it wasn’t. I wasn’t mad that they didn’t make Carina pregnant by the end of the season, if anything the scenes where they are discussing how many kids and stuff makes it so much more meaningful because Maya is obviously in such a better head space. Oh and just as a quick comment: Carina should have gone to therapy too, she needed to heal from that rocky period of time and it would have been cool to see her perspective, even if we saw sneak peaks with Vic, Miranda and Diane i believe sitting down and leading to a backstory would have been so much better.

If you got to this point i love you, i wanted to ramble a bit and finally found the moment to sit down and put this together (it’s a bit all over the place, just like my brain but bare with me). Catch you on season 7🤍