#and I guess it's honestly been something truly good for my mental health

[gobs-o-dice]

If I may wax nostalgic for a moment:

So, yeah, this account got deleted by hackers, which sucks, but I can always rebuild it, bit by bit.

This is way more of a huge personal essay than I'd normally do, especially on this sideblog, but it's about this blog specifically, so I think it's really only appropriate that it goes here.

(Rambling got long-ish, so putting in a cut to keep your dashboards clear of clutter - Because it turns out I have some feelings about this blog)

(TL;DR: Thank you all for your kind words and support over the years. This blog meant something to me, it still means something to me, and I'm going to keep working at it - Rebuilding it one piece at a time. I look forward to continue engaging and re-engaging with you all again as I do so)

I had my main tumblr account for something like 5 years by the time I started this sideblog. And I never really had any sort of focus on my main, I was just your general nerdy blogger.

But at some point - 2016-2017, judging by my photos timeline, I started getting really into collecting sets of dice. In as much as I was accumulating them at a much, much faster rate than I'd ever done so before.

My first set was bought when I was still in high school, probably no later than 2003-2004. I know I had at least 5 total sets by the time I finished my first undergrad degree in 2009 and moved across the country for a job. I'm pretty sure I got the 6th set on a trip back home to visit friends during that year I was working. The 7th, I honestly can't remember. Maybe 2011 at a con? That seems like something I'd do.

My 8th set was definitely purchased in the lead-up to my sister's wedding in 2014 - I specifically bought it to match their purple and blue colour scheme because we used the d20 to stop people from clinking glasses to get them to kiss (if people wanted to get them to kiss, they'd have to roll 10+, otherwise, they'd have to find someone to kiss, themselves).

I wasn't taking photos of sets as I got them yet, so this has been a bit of guesswork and memory.

I can confirm that by the end of 2016, I had bought my 15th and 16th sets. I started showing off my shinies, probably here and on twitter. I think even some basic photos made it to facebook/instagram before I realized not many friends and family cared too much about them over there.

2017, I can see set #23 appears in a photo, among others previously.

By September 2018, Sets #44, #45, and #46 were bought at a convention - These are the three sets you can see in the mouth of the yarncraft mimic in my profile picture (also bought at that convention). So, yeah, definitely a steep acceleration in my dice-buying (this was about the time I started buying dice online rather than just in physical stores, I do believe). Overall, a huge shift in my approach and drive towards collecting dice around this point.

It's around here I really start taking photos of my dice, playing around with my flashlights and such for different lighting effects - Basically the first forms of the kind of photos that would become my "brand", such as it is. I think it's here too that I started aspiring to make a character to pair to each individual set (While I do have many, many characters, I can tell you that some of these first sets still don't have characters for them yet. So, y'know, I'm nothing if not consistent in my inability to focus).

The first bunch of these sort of photos were posted to my main, but eventually I decided to start doing the dice posting on a sideblog, so as not to completely flood my main with not only my dice, but all the dice I was reblogging, as through my posts, I had found that there was indeed a community here of dice fans - Often posting their own creative photos.

Now, I've never been exactly quiet about what was going on in my life at that time - The summer of 2018, I had to take a medical leave of absence from my PhD program in university, because my migraines had been worsening from episodic to chronic over the past year or so. I had thought that maybe it was burnout, and I'm sure that's not an insignificant part of it, along with the then-undiagnosed adhd, I was just unable to function in general.

So, I took that summer off, then was genuinely feeling better and came back and tried to pick up again - But as the stress of getting back into things picked up again, it was clear that I was not in fact better. And the meds I was on at the time put me in a near-permanent brain fog, so I just was not able to function on an intellectual level like I had been. I could muddle my way through reading ecology papers that presented broad, easily-followed narratives, but highly technical microbiology and genetics papers, which were a slog at the best of times, became literally impossible to meaningfully read and acquire the sort of information I needed from them.

So, January 2019, I made the painful decision to withdraw from my PhD program. And I was utterly crushed by this point - Y'know, with whatever energy I had left to feel emotions. There is nothing quite so gutting as believing you're better and can handle things, and then finding out that you absolutely cannot, and feeling like you're letting everyone down because you can't keep up with even the bare minimum of responsibilities. I truly do not want this sort of thing to happen again, hence why I really do want to get my migraines under control before I consider going back to school or work - And it's been basically 5 years now. My education and experience have absolutely atrophied, possibly to the point that I'd essentially be starting pretty fresh and need to be brought back up to speed on so much that I'm not sure its something I want to ever tackle.

Anyway, that was where I was when I decided to make this sideblog. It was always, first and foremost, a place where I could post my nerdy photos, ramble about my characters, and just generally go whole-hog in on my nerdy TTRPG-related hobbies. And if other people found what I was posting enjoyable, well, it was all the better.

February 2019, before I moved back home, is the first folder that I can distinctly say I did a series of hoard photos. I wasn't using the term hoardscape yet. And they weren't styled exactly like that, but the genesis of the idea is there - I'm calling these pre-hoardscapes as I do my daily image re-upload. May 2019 was the first time I consciously set out to take photos of the hoard all mixed together. There's some weirdness as I included minis and other nerdy things in this first batch, but the overall style was now something I was fully enjoying - Photoing the dice from angles that made them look like rolling hills or other styles of heaps/piles emerging from one main pile - ie: Trying to make it look like I was taking a photo of a landscape made of my entire dice hoard. I have these labelled as "Hoard Shots" in this folder, but my numbering of them starts there. The next batch, June 2019 was where I started labelling them with the term "Hoardscape". I'm glad that people liked this term and it got used beyond just myself.

In total, I took over 1200 hoardscape photos between 2019 and 2021, not including the photo sessions where I did specific arrangements of specific die-types, since I had to sort them all before putting them away again anyway. So over three years of material for daily content, in addition to the shots I did of individual sets and other flights of fancy I'd have.

It'd be hyperbolic to claim that these "saved my life" or some other cliche like that. But they probably saved my sanity at least a little bit. They've given me something to do that was novel and creative. Something engaging, something to aspire to do, something to look forward to that wasn't the same "wake-up, watch tv, surf the net, play video games" routine I found myself otherwise in. Something to have some tangible ambition towards, however ultimately frivolous it is. Something with a schedule and structure that I felt compelled to adhere to.

This sort of stuff was great for me too, in that I could work on creative projects according to my own, quite nocturnal, inconsistent schedule (You'll notice that pretty much all of my photos of individual sets are also done at night, which was eventually also partially so that the lighting could be consistent). I could work for a few hours at a time, according to however much energy/focus I had. And if I had a bad day, I wasn't obligated to do any specific amount of work at it each day or anything. It was work, in the sense of something productive to do. And honestly, I thoroughly believe you need something that at least feels productive to work at (at your own pace), so that you don't go completely batty with boredom. And that the photos resonated with people out there was absolutely fantastic too. I was honestly a little surprised and always utterly delighted when people would mention my style of dice photos as inspirations for their own creative works - Their own photos or otherwise.

Heck, at one point I had great ambitions to maybe start turning hoardscape-type shots into jigsaw puzzles. Well, that kind of fizzled - We did do one small session using my brother's actual, serious camera instead of my camera phone, and got a jigsaw puzzle made from that high-res shot, but in terms of actually making puzzles from my photos consistently? Well, not so much. Unless, like, some company picked up and licensed my/our photos or something for printing themselves, there was no way we could feasibly afford getting enough made up to sell at any sort of reasonable price. And as fun as it was, to make this, puzzles, I really didn't think it'd be practical to order 1000 of any single design, let alone more than one design to have some variety, and then try to find some market to sell them in.

But hey, this is a fun little treasure of my own to have, even if it was, like $60

Admittedly, as much as I loved doing these shots, there were things that made them increasingly difficult to keep doing new ones of - The way it took over the family room area with my hoard meant that I really only wanted to do them when the rest of my family was gone for long stretches of time - Over a week or so, to give me enough time to get a decent amount of new material and then go through the process of re-sorting and repacking my dice after getting those photos, but also getting any sort of bonus shots - Like once I got the actual stage, taking photos with it, instead of just on the mug warmer (The mug warmer was a decent stage for someone operating with no real budget and still focused on getting more dice, okay? :P). But then the hoard continued to grow and swell (because I'm a sucker for buying more and more dice, after all), which meant that the cleanup process took longer and longer. I mean, it eventually got to the point that the table I used as an auxiliary for sorting was too small for everything to be on there period, let alone with any real clarity to which set was which. And it was more and more painful - Sitting there hunched over, searching and sorting for hours to get everything back to its proper home in my storage bins left my back, neck, and shoulders utterly stiff and sore for days afterwards, which isn't exactly fun. The final big one is that in 2021, for my mom's birthday, my family got a new kitten for the first time in years. As much as I loved Ollie , I knew he absolutely could not be trusted with a big pile of dice just left out in the open. And after his tragic passing [RIP poor Little Bud. Sometimes biology just plain sucks, and it sucks that you apparently got dealt a bad hand], we eventually got Lilah, who much the same, is a cat. And leaving small, shiny things they can bat around out in the open is just a bad idea if you don't want to lose those things.

That's not to say that I've closed the door completely on doing more hoardscapes ever again. It's just that I'll definitely have to think about my approach carefully. One thing with my family having moved into the home that was my grandma's farm, is that I have a much bigger room now I could theoretically set up a table or something in here and keep it closed off, mostly solving the cat and "taking over a communal space" problem.

But, I guess for now, I think I have a pretty large amount of back-content to get back through - I'd even been reposting my old hoardscapes for quite a while now, and I guess I'm starting from the very beginning. So, new hoardscapes are not necessarily going to be something I rush to do. But it's not a hard-"absolutely never again" situation, either.

Anyway, I'm doing much better overall now (better meds/treatment/management, other diagnoses, living at home where I don't have to worry about day-to-day stuff falling by the wayside, etc.) , but still haven't returned to school or work because the migraines still are such that they're really not conducive to participating in capitalism - Most places are unhappy if you take more than the equivalent of 1 day per month off. I have constant low/mid-level headaches, with spikes into the upper end of the scale as the weather shifts. I can't recall a month that I haven't had at least three of those "absolutely not"-level days since all this started. In addition to them not being a consistent, predictable schedule. It just doesn't really provide a good work schedule. And the lingering fatigue is often more generally-limiting than the headaches themselves - Especially when combined with the adhd, so efforts towards self-employment/productivity of any sort are similarly sabotaged - As you no doubt might have surmised from my wildly inconsistent surges of creative output. So basically, for now, I'm still not really going to be working in a traditional sense. At most, I might pick up some of those online gig-type-things at some point, but that'll depend heavily on how that interacts with the government support payments I receive.

If nothing else, there's a good chance I'll get little projects from my family - I already transcribed my grandma's old cookbook to send around to my family, and am just waiting on my mom to help do some final edits for the text stuff. If I get really ambitious, I might try making as many of the dishes (mainly the baked goodies, lol) in there as I can to add photos into it for extra style points (and yeah, if I set out to cook everything in there, it will absolutely be a thing I make another sideblog about, and probably something I even upload content to instagram or youtube about - But that's all probably a long ways off from now). There's other stuff of my grandma's that I'll probably work on transcribing and organizing - Her "red book", as we call it, all the family history and such - Essentially a wiki before wikis were a thing (Note to future self: Is there a wiki-type thing you could use for this? It might be a more intuitive way to link entries).

Nevertheless, now that my hyperfixation seems to have swung back this way, towards creating D&D-related stuff, I'm going to keep at it. I've decided to spin off my character/lore posting to a new side-sideblog (@gobs-o-cs), and since I don't think I'll be reviewing each set of dice as I upload them again, I'll try to keep the individual set posts to a more *aesthetic*-look.

Honestly, the individual set uploads are the most I've lost with these blog resets. those comments (along with those on dicemails and such) are lost, because I generally just wrote them here and didn't think too much about backing them up anywhere.

All of the lore stuff I generally have saved in various other spots. The biggest loss on that front was all the work I'd put into organizing sub-pages on my blog for a character list and pages for individual characters. I'll definitely have to look into less-fiddly ways of keeping things sorted (Honestly, if I get really ambitious, I might have to look into those wiki-style things for writers/creators).

Okay, this was a lot longer (and maybe only a bit rambly-er) than I was planning for it to be.

(Although, when you do stream-of-consciousness-type essays rather than setting out with with any sort of specific plan, that's what'll happen. Hopefully I haven't left too many orphaned paragraphs as I've jumped around to different thoughts, lol).

The long and short of it is that this blog was exactly the sort of project I needed to give myself at a time when I was pretty much bottomed out in life. This was never a huge internet presence or anything, but I know there were quite a few people following towards the end of things. I certainly would be intimidated if I were standing up in a room and giving a presentation to well over 1000 people, not to mention other people who would reblog or like things even if they weren't specifically followers. But it was never about having a huge audience or anything like that. It's something I enjoyed, and will continue to enjoy and keep at for now. And if it re-finds its audience and continues to find an audience, well then, that's all the better.

Once again, thank you all very much for popping in here. Thank you to all of those who have liked and reblogged the silly dice photos I post, the stories I tell, and the random thoughts I follow to whatever conclusion they end up at. Especially thank you to everyone who's ever left a kind word on any of my posts - In the comments, in the tags, wherever.

I'm so glad you've all enjoyed my strange little hobby so far, and I hope you'll continue enjoying it as I work to put it all back up here, piece by piece.

[pearl-likes-pi]

i honestly dont know hoe to say this, but you really had a hand in shaping my brai chemistry while i was growing up, no kidding. i remember when i was 13 or so and whenever you posted a pearl rap career chapter it would unironicaly make my day (specially when you dropped the peridot chapter i had a stomach infection or smth, so that video and the last one out of beach city episode were on replay for me for a few days). its really weird seeing that rebecca managed to make a safe space for lgbt folks (it was really hard for me to accept myself as gay, it seems really simple nowadays but back then it was so discomforting to even thinm about it so su and its fandom, and by some extent, your vids, helped me externalize some feelings or queernes i guess, do you remeber when someone said your video editing was raw and masculine? lol). anyways, its wild to think i was in 5th grade when i first watched laser light canon and now im finishing my journalism course in college and seeing how this show raised me in some way and helped me to be aware of my own mental health i only have good memories, thankfully, and its really sad to see that it ended, but i honestly wouldnt have had it any other way. its kind of a long rant but id like to thank you, mackenzie, your videos made me laugh a lot when i was a teen and they still make me now. this show was truly a gift, it made us connect to something bigger and magical. this was kind of a long rant since ive kinda forgotten that su existed and remined that it existed because of some dreams lol. i remembered back then when i was super anxious about the cluster episode, i remeber checking your tumblr everyday and seeing fanon content. i really dont know how to express myself since english is not my first language and i tend to ramble on a lot on my native one, but id like to say youve made me smile a lot, it was so cool seeing you present the su podcast and being an intern at CN. i honestly wish you the best.

Dude it means so much to hear that my lil shitposts have had an impact on people!!!! I completely understand where youre coming from re: SU's impact on your life (and acceptance of queer identity) and feel the same way!!! im so grateful for this show and everything it represents. in a world without Steven Universe my current life would be completely unrecognizable. like genuinely I dont think any single aspect of my life would be the way it is without SU. which is nuts but it's true!!!

I love engaging with this community and it gave me a lot of support when I was at a place in my life where I felt pretty isolated. I'm kind of rambling now too but this seriously has been sitting in my inbox for a bit now and I just knew i needed to respond and say thank you for sharing. <3

ALSO LMAO I FORGOT ABT THE RAW AND MASCULINE COMMENT THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME HAHA

[novashelby]

I think you need to go easy on people having a very natural curiosity and speculating on personal lives. We literally do it in casual, everyday settings (ie office life, school, hobby groups, etc). I understand your disdain and protective attitude towards your muse, but it’s not taking into account that a vast majority of readers on Tumblr have very real mental health challenges—myself included, where spending time lusting and being curious about a wildly attractive and mesmerizing actor and character plays a big role in distraction, dopamine release, curiosity about human behavior, deciphering cues, etc. Even his coworkers are intrigued and nosy about his personal life. While this is no excuse for poor behavior, it may shine light that fighting this urge of gossip is a lot harder than you think when the fan fiction, media and the way human minds work all come together to leave big impressions.

The message is heard loud and clear. Calling it sick and implying it’s some twisted, abnormal, unconscionable behavior is just not in line with reality. Yes, gossip can do real harm, but please try for a softer tone and realize many of the writings produced on here only add fuel to the fire of lust/dreaming/wanting to feel closer to the subject. Your message will be much better accepted.

This was actually meant for @cillmequick, apparently, but I am going to answer it.

Firstly, my overall objective was: we are too invested in their personal lives. Their personal lives should be off limits. We should love and admire their work, but allow them to clock out like everyone else.

Personally, I don't give a fuck about CILLIAN MURPHY. What I mean by that, I don't care about his marriage, I don't care about his work out routine, don't care about his family life, I don't care about what he does in his free time, I don't give a fuck if he got a hair cut, I don't give two flying shits if he got a tattoo. He's allowed to enjoy those things without me up in his ass. I care about him in regards to his work and what he says about his work.

Quite honestly, I could walk out of my house right now and see him, and not spazz out. Why? Because we are all human and share this planet. I'd do a wave, say hi, and allow him to live his life.

People are too much. I'm sorry you found my language harsh, but that is life. Personally, I couldn't write a RPF because it's just too much for me. I love his CHARACTERS. RPF is fine, I get it. People know it's fake. But it's more of just everything else that comes with it; gossip, harmful speculations, slander, degrading, harassing a human. I'm not going to come at someone for enjoying Cillian fics. Do your thing. Just do it respectfully.

What I am annoyed with is people up in business that they don't belong in, and grabbing information and being harmful with it.

And truly, I am sorry if you were hurt by my words. I understand people are going to be nosy...that's just being human. It's more how you do it and what you do with the information you have, sort of thing.

And I'm sorry you are struggling with mental health issues. Though, if you are relying on a celebrity for a daily dopamine hit, I really would suggest finding other outlets. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm being serious. Famous people cannot adhere to your expectations and one day, he may do something you really hate, and then you're left without. They can't and aren't your image of what you want them to be. So, I really suggest finding another outlet; hiking, walking, painting, drawing, journaling, writing, yoga, and so on. Exercise is a really good dopamine boost...even if it's just a little stretching. I say this as someone who struggles with GAD, CTSD, PTSD, Panic Disorder, and depression.

Please take care and I didn't mean to be harmful with my words. I just wish people understood personal space a little more. Have possibly a little more dignity and respect, I guess. Sorry, I may sound all jumbled. I have been sick.

Kisses.

[crabonfire]

Hey, I can I please request for something tf2 Engie related, more specifically, with an gn s/o reader who has… An almost obsessive hoard of stuffed animals decorating their room??? I just think it’d be silly lmao, have a lovely day/night!!

Engie with a plushie obsessed gn! reader :)

character: engineer

note: mental health has dropped to the lowest point this year and I realized writing has actually helped my mind process and get through everything so...I'm back for now. I'm sorry for uh, lack of posts even after I said I'd post start of the new month, shit hasn't been good. I hope you enjoy this babe! I love my plushies, s/o just like me fr.

This is more of a drabble I guess. The reader has a lot of traits like I do with my own personal plushies so, I'm sorry if it's not accurate, it's just how I personally treat my plushies :)

Warnings: none

♡Engie♡

• When the text is in italic, engie is speaking as a plushie!!!

• He was surprised to find your room adorned with plushies first time you offered him in. There were small ones, ones that rest atop your dresser, your table. Some were bigger, all collected over your bed as you slept. You had huge ones too, those stereotypical big Teddy bears kids usually get, you had one that you'd lie on when days were rough.

• He didn't find it weird or anything, in fact he understood where it came from. Tons of people find comfort in plushies, especially cute ones with adorable features.

• He didn't comment on it at first, just thought it was cute.

But as you two grew closer and he spent more time in your room, he grew to truly understand your love for these plushies.

You'd name them and hug them on bad days, sometimes just because you felt like it. When he'd sleep in your room, you'd give every one of those plushies a kiss, and him one too, and he always finds that trait of yours melts him every time.

There had been moments where he wakes up in the morning before you do to the sight of you cuddling them, and it makes him feel a tiny bit jealous, but he finds it endearing nonetheless.

• If you talk to your plushies, honestly, he finds it funny. Often times he does it too.

"How come you hug those plushies more than you hug me?"

"You can't blame me. They're super soft, isn't that right Baymax?"

He turns his head to your plushie, shaking his head and taking it in his hands, facing it towards you over his face and making a silly voice to try and speak for it.

"I know I'm soft, but you shouldn't neglect your boyfriend like that!"

"Exactly. Thank you Baymax."

You simply snicker, rolling your eyes.

• He buys you cute little key chained plushies usually, but on the rare occasion he comes by a cute one you could hold in your hands, he'd present it to you after work and have such a cute smile on his face. Excited to see you giggle and beam at him with those sparkling eyes.

And he loves it when you grin as he explains what the plushie's name is.

"This is Cory. He's a little bear I found on the street, I'd take care of him on my own but...you know me, I'm always workin'."

"Oh Engie...he's so cute."

"Well, thank you kindly! You're cute, too."

• He loves how soft you get over your plushies, he also loves how dramatic you are with them sometimes. Giving them insane backstories or making them "fight", honestly he finds it pretty funny and a nice distraction.

• And sometimes when he misses you or you two get in a fight, he finds himself holding one of your plushies and melting in their plush. He gets why you have em honestly.

[honeybee-bard]

Writing Interview Tag Game

My internet is finally back! Thank you to @nyx-knox for the tag. It's a long one, so buckle the fuck up y'all.

When did you start writing?

I'm the child of two English majors and I wrote little stories in my journals as a kid, probably as young as five or six. I started writing fanfiction specifically when I was about 15 and wrote Ed Sheeran smut and putting it on tumblr, which I absolutely should not have been doing for internet safety reasons but what's done is done and tbh it was some solid writing. I then stopped writing for an entire decade due to mental health issues. I started writing my Falling Star fic in...April, probably? So between that and my WIPs, I went a decade without writing and then suddenly pumped out a couple hundred thousand words in less than six months. Go big or go home I guess!

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

Honestly, not really. I'm a slut for spawn Astarion smut what can I say.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

There are none I can remember ever being compared to, but there are lots of other fic writers that I try to learn a little from each time I read their work.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I still live at home, so my writing space is at my gaming PC at the desk in my bedroom. The entire place is a huge mess and tbh it stresses me out a little but I have a lot going on right now so it is what it is. There's usually coffee and/or weed within arm's reach when I'm writing.

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

Something that's really surprised me in my return to creative writing is how easily inspiration has continued coming to me. Sometimes I worry that I'll lose it, but I keep having more ideas than I can get onto paper, and I've just barely begun exploring writing characters other than Astarion and Wynlana, so I think I'll have enough inspiration to continue writing for a very long time.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

Smut! So much of it! And it doesn't surprise me in the slightest because I am a terrible, horny little goblin bastard.

What is your reason for writing?

I love my job (I work in early childhood education), but I realized it was at the point where it was taking over my entire life. I went on medical leave after having top surgery, and I decided to spend a lot of the time writing. Having a creative outlet has been very good for me, and the added motivation of people actually liking it has been a huge confidence boost.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

One of the first comments I got was complimenting my prose and how everything flowed and I think about it nearly every time I write. Those had been some of my biggest concerns that delayed me posting the first few chapters of the fic, so that comment really meant a lot.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I'd never really thought much about this tbh. I think a lot about how my writing will be perceived, but not so much about how I as a writer might be perceived. I care way too much about what people think of me irl so it's a nice break tbh

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I'm a stubborn bitch which means I'll keep rewriting and reworking a scene until I'm truly proud of it. There have been scenes I've had to change significantly or cut for various reasons, but not many I've scrapped entirely. I'm very persistant.

How do you feel about your own writing?

Honestly, pretty confident! I thoroughly enjoy re-reading what I've written, and all of the feedback I've gotten so far has been positive. It's been a boost to my irl mental health to have something I both enjoy and am good at outside of work, and it's nice for it to be something lower stakes than "keeping 5+ toddlers at a time from trying to kill themselves in the most creative ways possible". I love them, but it's a lot of pressure!

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

Everything I write is something I've decided I might enjoy writing, but sometimes I write something and get really excited knowing my readers are going to love it. The other day I was editing an emotional scene and couldn't wait to show my beta reader because I knew she was going to love it.

No-pressure tags (sorry if any of you have done it already and I just didn't see lol): @bardic-inspo @pinkberrytea @locallegume @marlowethebard @kimberbohwrites

[crookedkryptonitebeliever]

Okay no joke if I was Yves I’d be mad as hell too, like you chose this sloppy, forgetful man over HIM??? the same man that literally has your genetic sequence down to the allele by heart?? Knows all of your genetic information so well that it would put 23 and me to shame!! Not only that but like I think there was an ask about how an anon believes that Monty would’ve honestly attached himself to anyone who was just there at the right time meanwhile Yves’ love for his darling is entirely unique and under any circumstances he never feel this way for anyone else. Like UGH with Yves it’s literally all or nothing, if it’s no you, he doesn’t want it. But with Montgomery, if another person showed up he would’ve been acting the same with that person and not you!! Like his love isn’t “unique” I guess in a way.

Ooo I’d be so upset too. I wonder like has he ever at least THOUGHT about trying to do some technological fuckery to end the relationship between his darling and Montgomery? Like perhaps, doctor some text messages, do voice impersonations or create a voice impersonator so that he could make it seem like Monty was cheating on his darling, causing her to run into his arms. It would b EUREKA 💡 as f because he wouldn’t have to kill Monty bc he actually didn’t do it, and she’s no long with him. But RATS he probably wouldn’t want to bring that sort of pain onto his darling especially with the harsh feeling of betrayal, that can mentally scar someone for years, a feeling that Yves probably is quite familiar with :(.

Buttt at the same time we do have instances (such as if the reader was really old or suffering from terminal health issues) where he would lean more towards being selfish as long as you stay with him, so in certain circumstances he is selfish enough to let you go through pain as long as you’re with him. But dang now that I’m typing this, I’m like that’s probably not that good of a comparison, one’s a relationship and the other is your life.

Also he probably wouldn’t want to take away any of his darlings happiness either, but dang like what if it was something more subliminal maybe like you unconsciously hearing subliminal messages telling you to leave Monty and that all you need is Yves because he’s the only one that can make you truly happy Mann I don’t know 😔.

But at the same time I’m ngl!! I can kinda see why some of y’all like Monty. I think it was Chapter 39?? When he busted through the door of the house and essentially mollywhopped everyone. I was like wait,,, why is he kinda,,, I guess like some of the guilt of not being there for the reader coupled with what he heard was just enough to make him snap and go into a rage. And some people are probably more comfortable around someone who’s like Monty as compared to Yves.

But also like really quick! Does Monty have the same level of unconditional love as Yves? Like I think I remember reading somewhere that you could essentially try anything you want and Yves will NOT leave you, like he has permanently cemented himself to your side literally FOREVER like it’s almost cosmic in a way. I wonder if Monty has that same level of patience but in his own way.

Zhats enough of my unintelligible ramblings and questions, your last post really did it 4 me ooo I wanted to bite my phone!! Love your work!!!!!

the other ask in question

Holy fuckin shit anon thank u so much for ur thoughts i would love to hear moar feel free to ramble more in my asks!!1 these are the types of stuff that also keeps me going with my writing

also i got like newest installation where yves interacts with yan older bro

naw YVes wouldnt like paint monty as a cheater because the pain fuckin HURTS man, he would rather be cucked like indefinitely than let you go through the horrors of recovering from such betrayal, plus there is a chance that you get so hurt that you didn't want to be in a relationship anymore or even ASSOCIATED with men anymore, so Yves just shot himself in the foot

He's only selfish when it comes to keeping you with him, so too bad if you are facing horrors of the mind, you are getting revived

Yves is defnitely using the subliminal messages to his advantage. you would probably be all like "ewww" to Monty after the first few days, weeks if you're particularly into sad, dirty men. but true love can really work past that and there really isn't much he could do without devastating you

Oh yeah Monty's love is fr unconditional, if you are abusive to him, he will take it. Altho he would cry in secret, praying to god that you will one day change your ways and stop abusing him, he will never leave even if everyone around him tells him to. He would stay until he's dead or police actually caught you beating him into a pulp, but even then, he would say it was his fault for provoking you -- he would try everything in his power to get you out of trouble.

He isn't like YVes in a sense that he tries to change you, he will just beg pathetically and get fucked over and over without learning his lesson.

If you're dead, he's dead. Simple as. Nothing will get in the way of Monty's quest to be by your side as soon as possible.

thanx 4 reading my stuff anon ur analysis really made my day i love reading yalls thoughts

[burby2007]

I need to apologize I need to take a break for a while I might occasionally post something Eddsworld related but yeah going to take a break I'm a very mentally ill person and sometimes during a mental breakdowns I do some not great things mostly just cry and wish death upon myself and tell people that they deserve so much better than me which sadly I still agree with I generally don't understand why anybody wants to do with me but they do the main reason why I wanted to take a break because of my disappointment in the team on Eddsworld

I don't dislike them but there's certain attributes about the team that I'm not a big fan of me and one of my friends agree that Matt's kind of seems a little greedy now I know especially one of my fans / friends will disagree and you know what she has the right to feel that way I like Matt but he's kind of seeming like he's a little greedy with certain things but that's just me no one's truly perfect I'm not a big fan though so they did the Yootuz thing with tord like the man just wants to be left alone you probably what about the end part 1 and 2 honestly yeah it's kind of the same thing but when it comes to that at least it actually has some married to it because without tord it really would have been the end.

Anyways here's my opinion about the crew the animators no issue with really honestly I like no issue with 90% of the crew the only ones I have an issue with is really just I think I'll have an issue with Matt possibly to be fair I can judge him completely though we truly don't know what's going on behind the scenes and I guess diei because I texted him and he has never responded for like 2 weeks and it really bothers me even though he said he's busy a lot but at this point I just gave up sorry that he doesn't like me or something.

Also another issue I have is Beyond's kind of slowly going downhill like the comedies kind of stretched out and honestly that's all it's more commercialized and it's ever been which that I'm nutshell isn't bad but the marketing is like so forced it's kind of annoying and honestly like Tom's voice actor like makes a kind of worse because it's like it's like such a marketing voice it's kind of sad but you know he's a good voice actor so I can't hate him too much now with all these criticisms towards the crew do I hate Eddsworld no do I need to take a break from them yes it does not help the fact I am still grieving over my father in my mental health is slowly decreased ever since his passing and I worry that I'm going to say something wrong so I should probably take a break.

That doesn't mean I'm completely done with Eddsworld forever though I think I'm forever stuck to it call me edd head addict if you will but I think it's time for me to step down for a little bit I hope you all be okay and understand it it might not be a long break to be honest cuz my attention spans like a nutshell so I don't know I do know one thing I'll never talk any of the Eddsworld members ever again Miuns if they want to talk to me or something which we all know they don't want to. But yeah um its edd day soo yeah im tried so gn

I love you edward

[devilsrecreation]

New episode idea

An episode like that of TAWOG’s “The Choices” where Kiburi reflects on the events of Season 2 after a particularly chaotic day. While talking with Hukumu, he wonders what things might have been like if he hadn’t tried to take Simba down

-What if he kept his mouth shut?: He’d definitely still be in the Pridelands, that’s for sure. The only time Kiburi would actually talk is the first few minutes he and the rest woke up, but if he didn’t say or do anything else after? I guess some of the other crocodiles would be complaining anyway, albeit amongst themselves and even then they’d be content with the watering hole everyone gets. It’d be good for everyone else with Scar not getting to have crocs on his team, BUT what about Kiburi? It’s just him bottling up all his emotions and that would cause his mental health to go down the drain…so much so, he starts pushing everyone away and maybe make him insane? He doesn’t want to know

“Yeah, I’d like to keep my sanity”

-What if he succeeded in killing Simba?: Things honestly go GREAT for him at first: Makuu’s banished from the float and probably the Pridelands as well, he’s Scar’s best warrior, crocs are ruling the land, things are finally going his way. As the days pass, he soon realizes that his sister’s actually pretty miserable cuz all she sees is her home in disarray and the love of her life pretty much gone (Makuu isn’t dead, but because he lost all his moxie he might as well be). Not to mention Scar would most likely throw him under the bus and there would be nobody to help due to lack of the Lion Guard, so it’s a scenario of “I won, but at what cost?”

“Maybe it’s better if I didn’t win that one…”

-What if Piga were still alive?: “There’s no way dad would let me do something like that no matter how old I am…”

-What if his friends never agreed to help him?: Tamka, Nduli, and Neema would do anything for him, but if that wasn’t the case…then he’d go rogue. Maybe he’d try to take Simba down himself, only to be stopped by the guard and banished. Then he’d truly be all alone working with animals who don’t care about him…not like his loved ones did-

“Well now everyone’s miserable..”

-What if Ucheshi joined him?: Everything’s the same, but Ucheshi participates. They’d be a killer evil sibling duo, he’ll give it that much. Hell, with Ucheshi’s brain and Kiburi’s brawn, they’d be the most OP in Scar’s army. They’d win every battle, slowly take over the Pridelands…then Ucheshi would decide this isn’t enough. She wants MORE chaos, MORE fighting, MORE animals running away from her, she just wants to go APESHIT and….wait, why does she have a murderous look in her eye? Okay maybe this has gone too far-

“*shivers* Thank the kings Ucheshi isn’t evil”

-What if he left willingly?/What if Ushari (and Scar) never proposed the idea in the first place?: Ig this is the best outcome. He’d still join Scar’s army, he’d just skip the whole “trying to assassinate Simba” thing, instead meeting Ushari while in the Outlands and meets Scar then. Even if it was a legit mashindano, he’d still be allowed to stay when he loses cuz you only get exiled from the float so TECHNICALLY he’s still allowed in the Pridelands either way (and ofc his friends go wițh him too so it works out)

But after all that thinking, Kiburi remembers all the good times he has in his new home: befriending his fellow Outlanders, the lessons he’s learned by making mistakes, how he’s a parent now, how he got to meet the love of his life, etc. He reflects on all of it and ends up being like “you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing” :)

[halsteadlover]

Just a little rant here about my personal life so feel free to skip lol

I know nobody is gonna read this and I’ll probably delete this when I’ll come to my senses but right now I feel so depressed I just need to get this out of my chest. I always felt tumblr like a safe space so here I am.

I don’t know if you remember the times where I took some time off because of anxiety and my mental health.

Lately it feels like it’s getting worse and I really don’t know what to do, I don’t know if many of you will relate (I really hope not) but it’s just like I don’t know how to be happy and I really hate it here man. I’m so tired of feeling like this, always worrying and having anxiety about something I don’t even know about. I feel so crazy sometimes you know? Like there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m honestly so grateful for the things god gave me. I’m healthy, I have a loving family (even if sometimes they’re overbearing to the point of crazy), I get to study for my dream job, I have a bf that puts up with my ass, friends even if few of them, there’s nothing wrong there are so many worse things people go through and I don’t even have to right to rant about any of this. So why do I feel like I don’t deserve any of this?

I have such deep trust issues it’s ruining my life and relationships, I don’t know why. I hate myself and I sometimes think I don’t deserve to be loved, I’m not that speciale and I’m so damn insecure that every good thing that happens in my life I can’t help but think it’s gonna fade in a minute, that something bad might happen, that I’m so easily replaceable.

Sometimes I truly think that if I disappeared no one would notice or miss me, I thought about doing it but I’m so damn scared. I don’t know where this is coming from, maybe the bullying had something with it I don’t honestly know but I’m so tired of feeling like this.

Why can’t I just love me? Why can’t I enjoy a single good thing that happens to me? Why do I keep sabotage myself by thinking I don’t deserve any happiness and it’ll soon fade away?

For example, these last two days I took three different exams and even though I’m relieved I can’t help but think I’m such a failure, that my parents are so disappointed in me for taking so long to finish a degree I was supposed to finish years ago.

I had an anxiety attack yesterday morning while I was with my bf and I sobbed for hours while he held me but if you ask me what triggered it I wouldn’t know how to answer you.

Why am I like this? Why am I not normal?

It’s just a bit of everything and I honestly don’t know what to do.

But please don’t judge me. I’m aware these “problems” are nowhere serious like some others and I’m so sorry for being so dramatic it’s just… I don’t know guys, I just want to be happy, to feel loved without actually thinking about the worst.

Am I soo pretentious? Do I sound so ungrateful? Complaining about these things when I have everything some people unfortunately dream of? I don’t want to sound like that and I feel so guilty about having these thoughts.

I know you’ll think I’m an attention seeker, fishing for compliments or things like that, I’ve been told that before here and I’m so sorry if it seems that way but trust me it’s the opposite of that. I’m telling this here because I guess it’s easier behind the screen, when no one knows you and can really judge you, but I also thing you’ll judge me anyway but at least it was good for me to let this out.

If someone reads this I hope you won’t think of me any less, and if you’re feeling something like this too I’m so sorry and if you want to talk my inbox and DMs are ALWAYS open for you guys, I’m here even if it takes me some time to answer.

Sorry if something doesn’t make any sense, I didn’t even read this back I’m just cried my eyes out while writing this post and now I have a headache. At least I hope the sleeping will be good lmao.

But tomorrow will be better, I’m sure of this.

[cinemaglow]

This isn't going to be very coherent I'm sorry. I'm not a Buck-Tick superfan. I very easily *could* be but I've held myself back since I don't really have the time and energy to invest and become voraciously obsessed with a band like when I was younger. I haven't listened to all their albums. I've only watched or read a few translated interviews. Idk why I feel like I have to preface this post like this. I guess it's just weird that this is the most profoundly affected I've been by a musician's death in years, and I don't even have the encyclopedic knowledge that I do for some other musicians to have built a parasocial relationship on. I think it speaks for the depths of the beauty that Sakurai contained, that even while maintaining a respectful distance and just catching a surface level glinpse of his inner life he was so, so compelling. And even though I never learned a lot about his personal life I feel a kinship with him.

There are a few bands that have changed my life, not just in a general sense but in specific, measurable ways. Buck-Tick is one of them. I've had treatment resistant depression for most of my life. In 2020 I was, not as actively suicidal as I have occasionally been, but just so so tired and hopeless. I couldn't imagine a future for myself and I was fully prepared to never get out of bed again until I starved and decomposed. Somebody shared a picture of Sakurai on tumblr. I don't remember who or why or what picture but I thought he was compelling and beautiful and me being always a slut for men with long hair I was like 👀👀👀 and that's what led me to Buck-Tick.

Discovering Buck-Tick in late 2020 convinced me to keep fighting for my life. In fact it was reading the translation of these particular lyrics that literally gave my an epiphany or an internal eucatastrophe, like something fundamentally changed in the workings of my brain and the trajectory of my life made a sharp turn:

Your living heartbeat in this world is ephemeral, but it’s beautiful

The living heartbeat of everything in this world is ephemeral, but even so it shines

Your living heartbeat in this world—there’s nothing sad at all

A person I love can live in this world—there’s nothing sad at all

It's honestly kind of cheesy that something can change your outlook so immediately but I remember distinctly realizing that living depressed and miserable is still being a living person and therefore an expression of the goodness and beauty in the universe. I sobbed. I felt truly glad to be alive for the first time in a long, long time. I posted as much on facebook, so you could actually go back and find the exact date it happened. Anyway. I accepted that even if I never get completely better it's still worth fighting to be a bit better. I started grad school. I've made it alive through a lot of rancid shit associated with grad school. I still feel an underlying current of hope and ?cosmic joy? even when my more immediate mental health takes a nosedive because my fundamental view of the world has changed.

People who are a lot more knowledgeable about Sakurai's personal life than I am are posting about how even though he struggled deeply all his life he always fought to live, to find the beauty inherent in living, and that mindset clearly came through in his words and music, because he transmitted it to me. He was so, so beautiful, his mind, voice, countenance, artistry.....he and the rest of the band gave me a blueprint for aging fabulously when I literally couldn't picture myself being middle aged. I think he did a good job, with everything. I kind of feel the same way now as I did when I found out about a friend's suicide earlier this year. Like, it's all okay for him, on his end. One of my spiritual beliefs is that death is a reward, a well earned rest after engaging in the Sacred Work of living. Even if it's a few decades earlier than expected Sakurai deserves to rest after all he's given and I'm happy for him. It's the rest of us that have lost something. It's like we have one less star in the sky. I kind of had a dream that maybe I could make so stage clothes for him one day but oh well.

I was up for several hours just kind of numb last night after I heard the news so I am going to get something to eat and go back to bed for a bit (being unemployed does come with privileges haha). I'm feeling a lot more at peace now than I was last night. Later on I'm going to take a shower and then paint my nails, which seems like the best thing I can do at the moment to honor him. And I'm going to keep living, and making beautiful gothy clothes, and putting more beauty out into the world and appreciating the beauty that is always there no matter what happens.

[caribbean-ace]

Alright so it’s been a hot minute since i’ve been here, life truly gets in the way and i feel that i’m going through the motions but finally after the buzz has settled i wanted to reflect a bit on Station 19 season 6.

I think we’re standing at a different place than we were by the end of season 5 and i believe that’s great. We went from that insanity -not in a good way- of season to something much much better. Few changes were made and it showed from the very beginning of season 6. To put it simply it was raw, by far the rawest season in terms of storyline, obviously because of what Maya went through, the repercutions it had on Carina and so on… Mental health was the overall arc for season 6 and honestly? I loved how it played out… Fair to say a LOT of people saw themselves in Carina and Maya which sparked the conversation -the very much needed conversation-

It was a rollercoaster but i’m glad we went through those moments because it lead to a healthier outcome instead of a quick fix it showed a more realistic side of a journey that can’t be taken lightly. On the other hand i wished they would’ve handled the Beckett story a bit better, by the end of it the writers made a good job by Vic checking up on him and just sparkling that conversation. I enjoyed the brief love triangle between Andy/Eli/Travis, it would have been funnier that they explored that angle deeper but i guess it turned out alright.

The expectations were so high when a female chief was announced but it turns out that it was just another love interest for a man, love to see it (please notice the sarcasm). While i don’t mind that Ross had history with Sullivan i kinda hated how her character just became the woman simping for the guy. They tried to redeem her a bit but it wasn’t enough. I would have LOVED that she actually made some changes within SFD to support women and actually make things better. Remember the storyline about fighting sexism? Yeah, me too. Anyways it was terrible that she was shamed for having a consensual relationship with another adult but it makes me grit my teeth the double standards: the whole you’re heroic for basically organizing a mutiny but when someone breaks protocol for saving a life that’s wrong or having a relationship with someone who outranks you but we’re totally ignoring that too, i get it, it’s for the sake of drama but certain things needs to make sense.

All that leads me to Andy being captain, we all saw it coming, there’s no way Maya was going to be captain again -at least not while being on 19- and while it should have been handled a bit better (the woman does have ambitions and putting a pause to pursue her dreams to heal does not mean she needs to abandon it) i think Andy deserved something a bit better, not just: alright you’re captain now. At least her first “shift” as captain was packed with action but still…

And that also brings me to Theo: at first he was like alright, laid back dude, gets the job done but the second he got promoted it’s like it flipped a switch on him especially being such an ass to Vic for absolutely no reason like ??? But at least she left him, i really liked how she pointed out that being happy for her friend does not mean she’s not supporting him (i wonder if that friendship also extends to Maya, after yk, call her a nasty person and do absolutely nothing to stand for her. Yes i will always be bitter about how everyone turned their backs on Maya).

Jack can’t seem to catch a break and God knows what’s gonna happen to him but at least he’s healthier and trying to stay out of other people’s relationships which i’m glad. I loved how Ben and Miranda where kinda there for Maya and Carina (i say kinda because it’s not like Maya had the greatest support out there but Ben did listen so that’s something. Also shout out to Diane, she’s incredible and i love whenever she appears)

Finally -because this is way too long lol- we know where we are standing in terms of Maya and Carina growing their family, for a solid minute i thought well, they are being ambiguous because it’s probably leading to that but no, it wasn’t. I wasn’t mad that they didn’t make Carina pregnant by the end of the season, if anything the scenes where they are discussing how many kids and stuff makes it so much more meaningful because Maya is obviously in such a better head space. Oh and just as a quick comment: Carina should have gone to therapy too, she needed to heal from that rocky period of time and it would have been cool to see her perspective, even if we saw sneak peaks with Vic, Miranda and Diane i believe sitting down and leading to a backstory would have been so much better.

If you got to this point i love you, i wanted to ramble a bit and finally found the moment to sit down and put this together (it’s a bit all over the place, just like my brain but bare with me). Catch you on season 7🤍

[amuhav]

All the odd questions of the Edgy/misc OC ask meme for Loch please.

What memory would your OC rather just forget?

His one-night stand with Ash. Because Amir was right, Loch wasn't some stupid confused teenager anymore. He was a grown man who even drunk knew it was a bad idea, knew he wasn't in the right headspace to give more than that, knew he was in a rebound friend's-with-benefits thing with Alice only because he'd just got out of another relationship and questioning his sexuality and whether he was even capable of being a person in a relationship, with anyone. He knew all that, and still got drunk and did it anyway. He convinced himself they both knew what they were doing and one brief moment of pleasure would be fine, when it really cost his already spiralling mental health, and the trust and mental health of Asher. And even though they're good (mostly) now, he knows he can never take it back, and he can never change that it put Ash in that vulnerable position for someone like Finn to swoop in.

What is your OC's fatal flaw? Are they aware of this flaw?

Not communicating honestly with people. Not just Ash, but really anyone. He rarely lets anyone know his actual wants and needs, I guess because growing up they didn't really matter.

How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

I mean, depends. We know Loch has very specific lines he won't cross, but... he is still a Karaish, and all of them have a sort of built-in "the rules don't apply to me" kind of mentality lol.

What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

Loch was supposed to AroAce which is honestly hilarious to me now. I mean, he is very much not asexual at all lmao, but he is kinda still on the aromantic spectrum. He knows he's never felt any romantic inclination towards any women, but he's not sure how that applies to men, though to be honest, he's at a point now where it doesn't really matter. If it's not Asher, it's no one. I really don't think he'd ever have actually been with someone legitimately if it weren't Ash.

What is your OC's weapon of choice? Have they ever actually used it?

His words, and absolutely lol. It comes out more when he's drunk, but even sober push him enough and his tongue turns vicious.

If you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

Absodamnlutely lmao. Mainly because we're pretty alike, but also because it reminds me of the catty banter relationships I have with my friend's IRL, or some of my old work friends. Extra yes because he's a guy I could have that kind of friendship with knowing he wouldn't be catching feelings too so I wouldn't have to worry about it lol.

Does your OC have a faceclaim? If so, who?

Noooooope. All of Gen 3 happened before I really knew of the concept of face claims lmao.

What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise?

Made his parents emotionally absent af whilst still being physically present lmao. Like, there's so many specific events in his life I could point to instead, but him stepping in to parent his younger sibs is like, the root cause of most of his issues. But his parents weren't ever abusive, or even truly neglectful, and in their own way they are still loving parents. So it's kinda... complicated? Like, he loves them and can't hate them, and he feels any bitterness towards them isn't really worth addressing, and it's not like they can do anything about it now anyway. Like, it's not going to change what it did to him. It made him the person he is and that can't be undone, so why ruin that relationship now?

How does your OC behave when enraged?

He usually either gets bitchy or he lashes out, depending on the specifics.

Does your OC have any illnesses or disorders? How do they handle it?

~anxiety~. for which he currently takes meds and has been through a course of CBT.

What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

Vulnerability. He hates feeling it, and hates showing it. So he runs from it, or twists it into something else, like anger.

What is your favorite thing about your OC?

He's a lil bitch and honestly, I ~vibe~ with it lol. Especially now he's making that petty, bitchy side of himself more public. Like, there's a lot about him that drives me fuckin insane, but his cattiness definitely isn't one of them lmao.

[pameluke]

Hi! I wanted to write to you about the a/b/o tarlos fic that you are writing but then your blog title sounded familiar and apparently I'm subscribed to your AO3 profile from your/our Shadowhunters days?? 😭🥹😵 such coincidences 😅

Anyway, would you mind lore dropping a little about this A/B/O universe you are creating? Like does *TK* know he's an omega or he never really presented? What eras/seasons you are currently planning on covering with this? Or just literally anything you would like to share about this fic! ☺️

Hi!

Welcome back I guess :) Glad you enjoyed my Shadowhunters fic enough to subscribe, and that you've been enjoying the omegaverse snippets !

The premise is based on the idea that if the whole alpha and omega and heat thing evolved as fertility booster, then it would make sense that it would react to circumstances where procreation wouldn't be ideal. For instance if the omega was starving/in danger or not feeling safe or settled they would go latent until they would feel secure again.

So for instance, alphas and omegas in combat situations would go latent/turn beta, because being in heat/rut in that kind of situation could kill people. Going latent is a survival mechanism. I've got a lot of ideas how compatible partners can bring forth heats and ruts and so on and are a paramount factor in creating that safety, but I haven't decided on the specific flavor of that yet.

Without spoiling too much, 9/11 happened when TK was in prepuberty, so he basically felt unsafe during an important part of his development. The destabilizing impact it had on TK's home and family didn't help with that either. I think he maybe went through a couple of preheats, enough that he knows he's an omega. But then he got addicted in his teens which messed him up even more, and he never fully presented.

He's been presenting more or less as a beta for most of his life, and after the Alex relapse he gave up hope he would ever present as an omega again. And that's where we are at the start of the fic.

As for which seasons I'll cover - I honestly have no idea yet. I don't want to do a true rehash of all the seasons, but at the same time there's a couple of pivotal scenes where I have a bunch of ideas. Mostly I haven't figured out yet at what point in canon TK would truly feel safe with Carlos. I don't think before the fire or the break-up wouldn't have happened, but then after the reunion TK's mother dies so fast. After the Cooper thing? I just don't know!

I'm really glad there's interest in this thing, but I do want to be up front: I struggle with my health and mental health, and I haven't written and finished longer fic in a couple of years. I can only write when I'm happy and have mental brain-space.

So for now I'm just writing vibes and sharing snippets I like. The Lone Star fandom has been very welcoming and kind, and I'm enjoying my time a lot so that's been great. I hope the good vibrations can continue and I manage to post something properly eventually.

[polyamorouspunk]

hii taking you up on your advice offer 😭 ur poly so maybe u have more experience with this than me, how would i break up with my longterm partner?

we’ve been dating for 2 years, it really has seemed perfect but lately idk its just felt wrong. we’ve kinda planned our lives around eachother and moving in together once we graduate, but i cant make myself want to kiss them or be romantic anymore, i dont want to respond to their texts, i get annoyed at them for no reason. they havent done anything wrong theyre wonderful its a ���its not you its me” situation to a T.

all of our friends are mutual friends, but most of them were technically my friends first (all the people they used to hang out with sucked) so im scared if we break up they wont have anyone to talk to about it. i really dont want to hurt them.

i honestly might realize this is just me being dumb and all of this will pass and ill want to be with them still once it does, but since i have no clue how id break it off i feel so trapped. i want to know i have a way out if things dont get better, i want to stay with them because i truly changed my mind not because i didnt have a choice.

Not in a poly sense but just a “have had a few relationships” sense I guess I can offer advice.

So I’ve never actually broken up with anyone before, except for the last guy I was messing around with (Catboy) just because as much as I had sooo much feelings for him it was like the most unhealthy “relationship” for me. Like I finally realized like “oh I’m actually NOT better off seeing him, my mental health is ACTUALLY worse” because of his shenanigans.

However, I did have a long term partner who I dated for 6 years who we had plans to move in together and get married etc. same kind of deal, all their friends were my friends. And they dumped me, and yeah, it was really fucking hard even though I knew everyone was going to take my side. And the one person who didn’t I ended up not speaking to anymore because I was like if you’re not going to realize that I’m the only one whose going to keep talking to you because my ex doesn’t give a shit about keeping in contact with people, then that’s on you.

I was devestated. This was like 3 years ago at this point and pretty much right up until about this year I felt like I was somehow “living in the wrong timeline” and like my entire life’s trajectory had been pulled out from underneath me. Not from the breakup so much as them just deciding they never wanted to speak to me again, that I was bad for their mental health, etc. which I always told them if I’m ever bad for your mental health then break up with me, and I meant it and stand by that and their decision, but it still fucking hurt.

Like if that’s what they had to do that’s what they had to do. If that’s what you have to do then that’s what you have to do. While I am of course resentful to my ex, and I hope they get hit by a car or something sometimes, I do stand by their decision that if I wasn’t good for them then I’m happy they left me behind. I don’t know if other people are going to have that same view upon being dumped. I mean like I said I still hate them. But to say that they should have stayed with me for my sake is hypocritical.

Not only that, but an issue of intimacy was occurring between us during the lead-up to the breakup. And as soon as I wasn’t with them anymore and I was able to be with Catboy instead I got a taste of what I had been missing and GOD it felt so good. For the first time ever I felt like someone actually wanted to be intimate with me. It was an amazing feeling. My ex dumping me opened up the door for me to have things I was missing in that relationship. So it wasn’t all bad, for sure.

You have to do what you have to do for yourself. You come first. If you need to break up with your partner, or take space, or whatever, you just have to go for it if you really think it’s what’s best for you.

[codiecoda]

I’m a new reader on your latest fanfiction, and I saw that you wrote about Ivo x Joseph and I was wondering what made you ship them? P.s the ship is super cute!

I wish I could answer that but after talking to my partner who has been an active participant in the creation of the ship the best she could give me is that it started out as "hear me out—" type thing and just spiraled form there. It honestly has become one of my favorite ships in the fandom outside of Slex and honestly I just see a lot of potential with it.

I was actually talking to my partner about the ship when I saw this message so allow me to share a few headcanons we have accumulated that involve this ship.

Have Some Headcanons:

Joseph drives a truck, and while Ivo is used to his fancy cars he finds something comforting about Joseph's truck (It's not even one of the newer trucks either, it's definitely looking a bit rough, but it reminds him of Jospeh.)

Joseph has a broken down apartment and it quickly became a safe place for Ivo to the point he prefers it over the penthouse apartment he was previously living in. (Ivo would much rather sleep on the floor mattress that Joseph calls his bed over anything else.)

Joseph does the cooking. (Feel like Ivo really loves Joseph's cooking even if he ain't making anything special to the point Joseph always makes extra potions for him because he knows Ivo will want more.)

Chocolate has become a comfort to Ivo (this will be something you'll notice in future fics.)

Ivo loves cats especially the sickly ones that are missing legs and shit (he also seems to have a favoritism towards orange cats.. take a guess as to why.)

Joseph is a monsterfucker (this is something that manifested recently as the potential in Joseph and Ivo in his parasite form was too good not to exploit.)

Ivo hates being treated as an animal and takes a special issue with being collared. (This can be seen in my first fic involving this ship but it certainly goes deeper.)

Ivo has trust issues. (Joseph is the only one that can really get through to him so he has been more or less placed in his care because of it.)

Ivo definitely has some undiagnosed mental health issues which leads to a lot of his behaviors (I explored this concept a bit in the fic titled "medication" but I'll probably get more in depth as I continue to write about the pair.)

Ivo is happy being child free (I feel like if he ever did have a child of his own it'd be an android rather than an actual human child.. I also have some parental fics in the works regarding him and intern also so there is potential)

Joseph is gay while Ivo could swing either way. (It just feels right to me and I feel like Joseph's sexuality is definitely called into question anytime it comes up because it seems so unexpected but this man knows what he likes.)

Ivo tops (Jospeh likes what he likes and he is not ashamed of it. I do have smut fics in the works for this pairing.)

Joseph and alcohol are not a good combination and this is where the potential for angst comes in. (Something about toxic pairings that balance each other out is truly something I love.)

Ivo struggles to deal with his appearance post parasite (His appearance is actually something Joseph finds attractive especially when it comes to his eye. Joseph earned his monsterfucker badge of honor and he is proud of it.)

Joseph fell in love with post parasite Ivo (I honestly feel like he wasn't really attracted to Ivo until he became parasite and despite Ivo being an absolute monster he much rather have him for him than some billionaire pretty boy)

Also this ship has been dubbed Jivo in case you're looking for a ship name. I have multiple fics involving this ship currently in the works so if you like it, I hope you stick around to see what I have to offer.

Special thanks to my partner @michi-coffee for their role in the creation of this ship as well as some of the headcanons.

[cryptidsurveys]

Monday, September 16th, 2024.

When you get married what do you think you’ll put most of your focus and money into? I can't really answer or predict this now because so much would depend on our life circumstances.

Would you freak out if you were to get pregnant by the last person you hooked up with? Uh yeah. For more than one reason, lmao.

Who in your life causes you the most stress or negative feelings? Even though there are people in my life who cause me stress (one or two in particular), I think a lot of it has to do with my mindset. I've come a long way, but I'm still learning how to put things into proper perspective, be secure in myself and my own abilities, brush things off, etc.

How many chances do you tend to give people before enough is enough? It just depends - on what they've done, how much they mean to me, whether or not they're genuinely trying to change... Also, speaking of "enough is enough," following my blow-up over Diane, she basically won't even look at me. Pretty sure she even went so far as to intentionally turn her back to me when I brought a kitty up to the office the other day (he chills up there during work hours). Like giiiirl, I only have so many olive branches, especially when you consider the fact that I shouldn't have to be the one extending them in the first place.

Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents? No.

What’s the most you’d be willing to spend on a pair of shoes? I retired a pair of hiking shoes last year that cost around 120 dollars, but they also lasted for about a decade. I'd be willing to spend that kind of money again for a good quality shoe.

What’s something you complain about frequently? Work drama and feeling burned out. Welcome to the real world, I guess…? It still beats rotting in bed while slowly sinking further and further into insanity, but…maybe not by much. :P No, but on a serious note - it's better. Truly. I might feel frustrated, upset, confused, and exhausted at times, but at least I don't feel utterly hopeless and suicidal. I'd rather endure the chaos of life and human interaction than go back to what I was doing before. It's just hard to adjust to social dynamics after spending so many years in isolation and missing out on so much development and experience. People don't really care about your past, your mental health, your explanations - they just want you to act right.

Have you had any confrontations with anyone lately? Not directly, but indirectly. The Diane situation. The Alex situation.

Do you have anything planned for the summer? Summer is nearly over. My autumn plans mainly consist of trips to the Mountain Park to enjoy the changing leaves, attending the Chili Festival, and eating as many fun holiday foods as I can.

Do you walk fast or slow? Fast.

What form of public transport do you use most often? I've only used public transportation a few times in my life.

Is there any alcohol in the fridge? I don't think there's any in the entire house.

Is any part of you sad at all? Yeah, but it's not a predominant part. The last few days have been better. Little annoyances here and there, but nothing terrible. Plus, I only have to get through one half day (Tues) and one full day (Sat) of working with Alex and then she's GONE.

Are you someone who worries too often? Most definitely. It probably wouldn't be inaccurate to say that 90% of my problems come from worrying/overthinking. If I could just shut my stupid brain OFF…well, then I would be too powerful. ;D

Have you ever been completely alone with a boy in his room? Yeah.

Is the last person you kissed older than you? Yeah.

Are you the type of person who seeks out revenge? Not really. I even try to refrain from taking pleasure in someone else's negative karma. Not because I'm such a wonderful person, but because I don't want to face my own karmic backlash.

Do you like falling asleep listening to the rain? Yes. <3

Do you honestly have feelings for someone at the moment? I don't.

Are there things in your life that you’ll never be able to get over? Probably.

Are you afraid of falling in love? Yeah.

If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? A million bucks.

Did you ever build furniture forts as a child? I loved doing that! We'd even make forts out on the back deck and sleep in them when the weather was nice.

Are there any songs that inspire you? You could say that. Mainly classical songs. Sometimes they give my life this movie-esque vibe.

Is there anything on television worth watching at the moment? I wouldn't know.

Have you ever had an online meet-up? Like a meet-up group type of thing? No. But I've met people in person after originally meeting them online.

What is bothering you as of now? Nothing serious. Even my headache from earlier feels a lot better.

How does your hair currently look? Short and brown.

Are you close to any of your aunts/uncles? I'm not.

Do you plan on losing weight any time soon? There's almost always a desire, but I tend to maintain within a range.

When was the last time you used a disposable camera? Years and years ago.

What should you be doing right now, besides this survey? I should probably do some housecleaning, but…eh. I just want to relax.

Who did you last say goodnight to? My dad and my kitties.

Do people gripe about your work ethic often? That was the last thing Diane said before I flipped out; something like, "It looks like nobody does any work back here." Maybe it wasn't meant for me specifically, but oooh boy. I give too much of my time (for free!!!) to be muttered about like that.

Do you tend to wear a lot of make up? I don't wear makeup.

Is it still possible to kiss the last person you kissed? I am waaay overthinking the "possible" bit because yeah, I suppose it's technically possible, but would I want to? No.

Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? Because.

Where were you last night? I was at the animal shelter until 5:30pm and then I was at home.

Do you own any jeans from American Eagle? I think I have a light blue pair somewhere.

Do you hate it when people smoke around you? No. I smoke as well, so.

Have you ever been to Florida? No.

When’s the last time you screamed really loud? Idk.

What will you be doing tomorrow? I'll be at the shelter from 7:30am(ish)-12:00pm.

Are you friends with the people you were friends with 2 years ago? Yeah.

Do you honestly have feelings for someone at the moment? No.

Where did you buy the shirt you’re wearing right now? My dad got it from me from a store in the mall.

Are you wearing jeans? I'm wearing dark blue sweats.

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? Yeah.

Has anyone ever called you a whore? Yeah.

Who were you last in a car with? My dad. I went to lunch with my parents at Fuel & Iron last Thursday.

Are you in a good mood right now? I'm in a pretty decent mood.

Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? Yeah.

Have you ever played the guitar? Not very well, but yes.

Could you handle living with the last person you talked to on the phone? I think it's best that my mom and I live apart.

Do you ever take your anger out on others? I try not to, but there are times when it happens.

What grade is the last person you texted in? My mom hasn't been in school for a long, long time.

Has anyone seen you in your underwear lately? No.

Where’s your phone right now? On my dresser, charging.

Have you ever liked someone older than you? Yeah.

Are you the oldest child? The youngest? In the middle? Only child? I'm the oldest child of two.

Would you rather be called ‘honey’ or ‘baby’? Honey.