#and I genuinely cannot force myself to focus once I’ve reached that point

[finsmultiverse]

I feel like my patience for shifting methods has gone down drastically lately, and it’s making it very hard for me to actually try to shift. I get a few minutes into a method and some part of my brain gets so impatient that it just gives up and I can’t focus anymore :(

[glowingbadger]

Hi there! I’ve been sitting on a prompt for a while because I was too shy to send it in for some reason. But I thought it might be something you could have fun with so… here we are! How do you think say, Seteth, Hubert and maybe Felix or Dimitri? Whoever? would react to the trope of “my love interest has been turned against me somehow and is fighting me outside of their control”? Do any of them struggle with it or just… take them out, haha. Feel free to delete if it doesn’t seem interesting to you though! Have a great day 🌈

Okay well this has been kicking around in my box and technically it's way farther down the list, but it's interesting and I am a sucker for this trope, so let's talk headcanons~~ (choosing the first three to hold myself to my own "three character limit" rule lol)

Oh also CW for the fact that Felix is a dumb dumb who only knows how to fix things by fighting, so if the idea of him solving this problem by fighting Reader-chan upsets you, feel free to skip his section

Seteth, Hubert, Felix (FE3H) x GN Reader

SFW

Seteth:

- This is something that affects him in a uniquely powerful way- he's a protector and nurturer at his core, and genuinely cannot bring himself to hurt you, even when you point your weapon towards him. Honestly, he likely wouldn't even fight back if you were attacking him of your own free will- but knowing that you don't have control of your actions, he's even more determined to reach you in some other way.

- It'll start with him just blocking and deflecting blows. He's strong enough in his own right, he can hold you off by blocking with the pole of his lance for quite some time. But under a supernatural influence, time goes on, and you don't seem to tire, even as you slowly wear him down. The longer this goes on, the more desperately he pleas with you to regain your senses. Then, when he's lost the strength to defend himself any longer, your attacks begin to land. Seteth takes blow after blow, blood seeping through his robes, and still he refuses to retaliate. He resolves to take the abuse for as long as his body holds out.

- The only way this will resolve is with a bit of the ol' power of love. It's a grueling and exhausting exchange, and by the end, Seteth has dropped to a knee before you. But as you raise your blade to strike, he wraps his arms around your midsection and buries his blood-stained face against your clothes and makes one final plea, begging you to come back to him, repeating over and over that he can't hurt you. When you come to, he's barely conscious, but manages a smile when he sees the life and warmth return to your eyes before falling unconscious at your feet.

Hubert:

- Hubert is someone who's accustomed to "doing what must be done"- but that's precisely why he's so shaken by the fact that, though you lash out at him with all your strength, he hesitates. He's never felt conflicted in this way before, and never balked from doling out punishment to anyone who stood in his or Edelgard's way. But now, it's you, and he finds himself subconsciously missing his shots, spells going wide and barely grazing you as he backs away from your attacks.

- It will take some doing, as he's not one to get caught in melee combat often, but he does eventually manage to seize and bind your wrists, magically immobilizing you. If it's a spell that's turned you against him, he'll set to work finding a way to counter it, even if you lash out and fight your bindings as he works, his focus is unshakeable. When Hubert has a task, he's an unstoppable force.

- When you slowly, hazily return to your senses, Hubert remains stoic at first. He interrogates you with personal questions until he's certain that you have control of your mind once more- then, quite suddenly, he embraces you tightly, and you can feel him trembling.

- He doesn't allow himself to be sentimental for long though. Before long, he'll begin planning his revenge on whoever caused this. Interestingly, he specifically requests that a skilled healer be sent along with him. When pressed, his eyes darken and he replies, "I plan to wring several lifetimes of pain from whatever remains of the wretch who did this to Y/N."

Felix:

- Oh this poor man. He's completely caught off guard- he knows how you fight when you spar, and he knows immediately that this is different- you're aiming to kill. It shouldn't be different from any other battle, and at first, his instincts treat it much the same. He fights back with all of his strength, pulling no punches. But the longer the fight goes on, the more the sight of your cold, distant eyes bores a hole through his heart.

- He tries calling out to you, disarming you, outmaneuvering you, all to no avail. Whatever is compelling you now has a complete hold on your mind and body. So, with no other options, Felix knocks you out by force, grimacing and flinching with each blow he's made to inflict on you. By the time you finally collapse into his arms, he realizes that his face is dampened with tears that he doesn't remember shedding. To be honest, he doesn't consider himself worthy of the tears themselves.

- Felix gets you to a healer immediately, and he'll stay at your side for the entire process. But the moment you begin to regain consciousness, he turns and leaves. As far as he's concerned, now that he's hurt you, regardless of the reason, he can't allow himself to be near you ever again. It's going to take some time chasing him down, and a lot more time spent convincing him that you know that he had no choice, and that it wasn't actually you that he was attacking. His stubbornness only begins to melt when you throw your arms around him and hold him close to you, and you feel his body relax against yours.

[solactier]

This one’s for you @heytherestilinski

This is going to be quite the mixture of emotions, so I apologise in advance if my expression of said feelings is all over the place, but I simply must talk about the golden fanfiction that is Heat Waves and how it has swayed my soul with sounds of sweet bells.

To start, I should say, I’ve been in love with writing and reading for as long as I can remember. The ability to weave an entire world with mere threads of words is fascinating to me, always has been. I’ve taken in quite the number of books and fanfictions throughout my period of living, and considering so, I can confidently say:

Dakota’s writing is a force to be reckoned with.

But the force I speak of is the kind that is emitted from ember sunrises that one witnesses during moments between summer and autumn. They hold a certain glow that keeps a person sat there, for incessant hours, in pursuit of a special warmth that will leave them settled and content.

I have never been captured and pulled in by a descriptive style more than I was with Dakota’s, and I say this having read a multitude of her work. This author is admirable in a multitude of ways, and I’m genuinely excited for anything and everything they will produce in the upcoming future. 

I could ramble for a good bout of time about many of Dakota’s works, but that would result in a document longer than Dream’s 19 page rebuttal, so let’s focus on one (for now).

Heat Waves

Two words that hold a grand amount of weight and cause hearts to shift.

I have a lot to say about this prosperous and glorious story, but at the same time I don’t because upon finishing a chapter, be it one of the first or the last, I am rendered speechless. My words of explanation and admiration morph into vibrations of zeal flowing through my veins as I absorb beautiful descriptions and powerful dialogue.

Heat Waves chapters aren’t ones I find myself totally rereading often, and here’s why:

When reaching the end of whatever chapter and scrolling through the final notes, I am left satisfied, completely. Dakota’s style is captivating in a way that allows me to read their sentences and phrases carefully and attentively, making sure the picture painted in my mind is as accurate as possible. I will encounter a certain, strong line and read it again, and again, and again before continuing on as to ensure I consume the sentiment being served, and mind you, it was served.

I came here at first expecting the usual or normal plate-size of feelings, but oh was I wrong, I was quenched, fully fed, if you will lol.

The reason for that is this narrative is not your typical fanfic troupe.

Heat Waves is a story about messy, unpredictable love, and that’s what makes it as enthralling as it is. It is poetic as it is real.

It’s thrilling lust turned to excruciating yet oh so warm love.

Dream misses and wants to hold onto George’s presence regardless of the pain it causes him, of the internal conflicts that have suddenly surfaced, of the changes he must face and make, of the haunting dreams. 

Even if George’s actuality distresses and brings Dream affectionate confusion, he will still reach for him. He will hurt and hurt and hurt in order to grasp the heat he’s grown a little too addicted to because he prefers when George is around, rather than when he isn’t. 

Dream’s mind spirals and his feelings scatter over interactions due to him knowing George very well, yet not knowing him at all. The two could flirt and exchange the most ridiculous of dialogue and nothing would change, and that’s where a certain dilemma is contrived: How much of this is real? What is considered serious among the numerous jokes him and George make? How far is he allowed to go? All of these questions tug at the curves of Dream’s brain and heart, and he is unsure about much, but despite that, he finds himself thinking all about George, during late nights, in the middle of June. 

Dream undergoes a series of emotional disputes over whatever the fuck is happening between himself and George, and that, my friends, is the heartache that comes from truly having feelings for someone and wanting their every speckle. Of course, such strong desires can sometimes be unhealthy. Dream, at one point, is a bad friend to Sapnap (whom we all must agree to stan because damn sir your back must be hurting from carrying your two idiot friends’ passionate but disordered baggage. a king) by ignoring his calls and messages due to being caught up, tied, and trapped in the strings of yearning. This one guy is doing so much damage to Dream, but he’s fallen too far down the pit of affection to care, in fact, he luxuriates in it.

(I also honestly do not blame Dream for playing the song on loop, because same, really does make you feel things)

Dream loves George. He loves George so much that the simplest of phrases and statements set his nerves ablaze and sparks his soul with hope.

It’s so painful but so fucking invigorating.

Which is why, at one point or another, he must learn to let go, not completely, but enough to stop the analysing and obsessing and sweating and dreaming, and that’s what’s so enticing about this tale, that among the reaching, there must be patience in order to reach something stable. Dream has been going insane for far too long, pouring his heart out to the one he so desires, but with such want comes uncertainty and surprises. Who the hell would’ve thought George had feelings for Dream for a good while before reeling himself in, only for his emotions to be stimulated with affection all too unexpectedly.

and who would’ve foreseen the slap of pure angst that were chapters 9 and 10, George’s hopeful rejection.

We read the two flirt, smile and laugh until their chests ached, connect, talk and call for hours, send fucking snapchats to eachother, telling sentimental stories, and much more.

All for Dream to crumble, piece by piece, until he is on the floor and crying over missing a chance he’s been so desperately trying to take. After what felt like a blooming relationship, Dream is seen breaking.

Because George wasn’t ready.

Because George was hit by a sudden wave of emotion that is so confusing and overwhelming and what the fuck Dream.

Yet, not all has been lost. The blazing fire of yearning may have been rained on, but it has not gone out.

Because it’s not a no, it’s a not yet.

And I cannot tell you the power such a statement holds. It was such a simple phrase, yet it shook my core as it delivers something raw, something hopeful, something to look forward to and have you inhaling a breath of longing because embers are still sparking and maybe, maybe, that chance isn’t completely out of Dream’s reach.

He just has to work on listening, bettering himself, healing and reaching a point of self-contentment. A point where he knows: he’s right for George, he’s enough for George. And the same goes for the latter.

Everything is so messy and destructive and confusing, yet they still reach.

And that, that, is such a raw form of love that it left my chest tight. They both want to be the best for eachother. They want to work and try for eachother despite the pain it may bring. They wait, and with their patience comes progression, which slowly but surely, will turn into comfort.

And to have the ability to articulate and describe such a journey is insane in every sense of the world. This story takes your collection of emotions and rattles it, making you feel so much at once that when ending a reading session, you release a satisfactory breath.

It didn’t end with attained love, or accepting confessions, or a romantic moment during the visit, or promises of kisses, or whatever cliche closing you could think of.

It ended with two friends saying “see you soon”

And that was perfect.

Perfect enough leave me, the reader, content and in awe. Because this is a slow and difficult love, one that will simply need time, as time is what will heal.

I couldn’t have asked for a better ending. Dakota is truly an inspiration.

Thank you, for creating and sharing such a masterpiece of a story, and having your readers go through the entire spectrum of emotions.

I cannot wait for Helium.

:)

[tema-makes-art-sometimes]

002 | germano?

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

002 | send me a ship and I will tell you:

when I started shipping it.

No idea but it was a long ass fuck time ago. Liked it for years but didn’t really start enjoying it until I started writing Romano myself.

my thoughts:

This ship makes me so genuinely happy man. I know GerCanMano is my flag ship but I love Germano just as much and I at least have a few crumbs of content for them instead of the other which has none. Germano just like-- Seeing Romano in a healthy relationship and seeing Germany happy makes me happy.

What makes me happy about them:

I’m not one for slow burns all the time but Germano to me is one of those slow burn romances I really enjoy. Romano is a sassy and salty flirtatious gentleman who keeps measuring himself up to the big broad and awkward-but-gold-at-heart class president who doesn't understand why the guy gets so upset around him and tries his best to remedy the smaller man’s anger.

The two just slowly developing, starting as rivals with Romano wanting the attention from his brother that Germany gets (and possibly the smallest bit of envy about measuring himself up to ger in macho-ness) and Germany just wanting to understand Romano and just like- how he ticks. Them slowly bonding over the simple things, realizing they both love mechanics and gardening and cooking. Romano being impressed at Germany’s baking (bonus points if say Vene has been bringing home baked goods for ages and he thought they were just from a bakery Vene liked but it was just Ger trying to get rid of the food hes stress baking) and Romano getting to show off his cooking skills. Romano feeling a bit of pride when he makes Germany laugh at some shitty joke or snarky comeback, he just hears that little wheeze or chuckle under Germany’s breath and knows he did that.

Romano having a whole I wont say I'm in love crisis when he realizes hes falling for Germany because sure hes cute and all but like what no. My Romano is very flirtatious but emotionally withdrawn he loves to flirt around but he doesn't actually think about long term relations cause he never expects people to care about him that way so falling for Ger throws him for a loop. But he knows he has to make some decision on it because he can’t get Germany out of his mind but the thought of Germany saying no scares him more than anything else ever has and the thought of breaking Germany's heart makes him more angry than he thought he’d ever feel

Meanwhile Germany is a mess because he has no idea what hes doing all he knows is that Romano’s smile makes him melt and every time he thinks of the future he thinks about the two of them passing tools to each other over the hood of a car and kneading foccacia together and hes doing all of the research he can to try and perfectly convey how he feels and it only works when he for once throws out his plan and just speaks from his heart and stops over thinking everything. And its wholesome and personal and cute and Romano starts crying halfway through which freaks Germany out cause he doesn't want to force anything and oh god did i make you uncomfortable but before he can apologize and backpedal Romano just grabs him by the shirt and pulls him down into a smooch and for once in his life Roma doesn't instinctively jump and when someone reaches out to hug him.

What makes me sad about them:

That they get sidelined for other ships and that people cannot have Germany or Romano exist in a narrative without Veneziano having something to do with it.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

People assuming Germany and Romano would be abusive with one another because Romano acts snappy and dismissive around him when in reality he does the same exact behavior to literally everyone else; America, Spain etc. But Germany is the one that’s abusive, and not the others. Germany’s never been shown to hate Romano, confused and rolling his eyes at his insults sure but never hatred.

A lot of people take this in the direction that they hate or abuse each other or worse, like Germany would cheat and use both brothers. Which is just not true, let alone Romano is too much of a blunt mother fucker to let it happen. He wouldn’t take that. Being used or measured second to his brother is so common to him you think he would just lay down and let that happen? No. And Germany isn’t the sleep around without a care or being in a relationship with two people because he can’t decide which he likes more type the guys a romance moron he doesn’t know how to date one man let alone commit adultery.

Which sucks because things like the chauffeur strips show that Romano and Germany are on at least amicable if not friendly terms, Romano is just being Romano, he does the same pissy but nice energy that he does to Spain and America to Germany. And there’s so much there that could be played with, of Romano being reassured by Germany that he’s not this evil bad boy in fact his brother can be worse than he is, and Germany would know Vene has been attached to his side for ages he would know Vene at his worse. Romano showing off to Germany, impressing him that yes Romano can in fact work hard when he wants to and feels inclined to. Which would gain him respect from Germany because he’s so used to doing it himself it’s always a pleasant surprise when people help him or don’t leave him to do everything.

But often in fics this is squandered for the whole ‘Germany’s married to Vene but he’s in love with Romano oh no conflict drama’ and they never make him choose. Or worse he has him two time one and then the other which just isn’t even fucking in character. 90% of the fics I’ve found on AO3 have the under current of how does their relationship effect Vene, how does Vene feel about it or how is he involved and it’s so stupid. It’s only ever done with Romano, never to Vene, Romano is always treated like an extra or an asset to Veneziano and its never the other way around. People don’t write Gerita fics and have the whole story about how Romano feels about it.

Germany’s feelings toward Vene can easily be stated in that ‘he’s just my friend’ it’s so simple but instead often its paragraphs on paragraphs of Germany grappling with his feelings for both and I’m just not interested. If I wanted to read about Germany’s feelings toward Italy, I’d read a Gerita fanfiction. Also you can’t tell me that if Vene found out about the two being interested or even one of them being interested in the other he wouldn’t start playing matchmaker he absolutely would. Hell if you want that “conflict” have Vene be jealous he’s petty enough to do that!

I’m willing to take the L on this and admit I just have higher standards, but I just want a fic that has them in a relationship from the start or they build up to it but not have the fic end the moment they get together or have their first date. One that doesn’t focus on a side plot about Vene and Germany’s feelings toward Vene. Where they just get to be wholesome together, piece their feelings apart together, and develop their love for each other together.

TLDR: I’m very salty about Germano getting the short end of the stick and want to see more sweet domestic germano.

Things I look for in fanfic:

For it to exist and for it not to be a vector to talk about Veneziano’s opinions on their relationship. I just want wholesome content of Germany and Romano building a relationship or a life together, AU or Canonverse wise. The cute dates, working on cars together, gardening, baking and cooking-- Germany playing piano or flute while Romano sings. Them dancing together. Romano taking Germany out to tour and sight see. Romano forcing Germany to cuddle with him in front of the fireplace if they go up during winter to his place cause he hates the cold and his block of a boyfriend is very warm.

My happily ever after for them:

I don’t really think about happily ever afters for them cause as nations their lives move on, they can’t really have kids but they can live together, work together, love together and honestly that’s enough for me.

My kinks:

These will be below the cut, because of ns//fw mentions.

(general sex discussion, bd//m discussion, toys and other such ns//fw things.)

Romano is a bottom little pillow princess but despite that he has the most control in the bedroom. Germany doesn’t lack interest but when it comes to instigation it’s fewer and far between, Romano has more of a sex drive than him. Germany’s more into kinks than Romano, but he has trouble being confident enough to do it so Romano is often baiting him into it. He’s a brat who wants to be tamed and Germany doesn’t mind Romano being rough with him and vice versa.

Romano’s more used to rough and tumble, so when Germany is very slow soft and sincere he gets flustered really fast and can fall apart a lot quicker. He also will cry when Germany compliments him too much early in the relationship. They have a lot of safe words at Germany’s request so if either of them get too overwhelmed they have a safe out and will just vibe and cuddle until the other feels better enough to continue.

Romano will give Germany is rope bunny fantasies every once and a while and tie him up, he’s not into much more than handcuffs and collars but Germany enjoys it so he doesn’t mind. He loves when he can convince Germany into roleplay and let Germany get into a more confident ‘character’. His favorite things are bites and blowjobs. Leaving Germany covered in red marks and scratches is his favorite and he loves the rare sight of Germany squirming under him.

Germany loves to body worship Romano, and messages all of the messages. Romano doesn’t like Germany dragging it out but sometimes he can’t help himself cause he just loves how pretty Romano his and he wants to just touch him all over. He loves when Romano plays with his hair (at least in the bedroom), and since Romano is way more vocal than he is he loves coaxing little sounds out of him through different touches and kisses.

[neokad]

Touhou VI: The Embodiment of Scarlet Devil - or my first journey into a bullet hell game

Touhou is that one pew pew game series with cute anime gals, right?

Source: https://pixiv.kurocore.com/illust/54033795

Just like what I think are many people, that’s pretty much all I knew about the franchise as a whole! And to be honest, for a long long time, I was AFRAID of going any closer to anything Touhou-related! Because of them being bullet hecks, they seemed like the most frustrating and unfun games I could possibly be playing! But then... time passed... Fast forward to somewhere in 2020: I was watching the biyearly Games Done Quick event, and one of the first runs showcased during it was none other than Touhou Luna Nights! But while the speedrun itself was very impressive, the thing that really captivated me was well... everything else! Even though this was only a Metroidvania fangame, IT LOOKED LIKE SO MUCH FUN! The graphics, the special effects, the mechanics... everything just seemed like a dream!  In spite of that, I only picked the game up and played it about a year later, thanks to a Steam sale! And to keep things short, I ADORED it. It was a bit too short, but everything else was spot on, and even better than I thought it would be from what I saw at GDQ! But that’s sadly a review for another time :(  Because I literally fell in love in this game, well... I thought “screw it, I’ve been morbidly curious for years now, let’s actually try a freakin’ Touhou game!” 

And so, after some research I’ve learned that the sixth game - the first one released on Windows PCs! - was the one that served as inspiration for Luna Nights as a whole - its characters, music, stage aesthetics and more! It just seemed natural to settle with this one~

How did it go? What did I think about it? Well, that’s why we’re here: those are my thoughts about Touhou VI: the Embodiment of Scarlet Devil.

Now for a pointless history lesson: as I said earlier, Touhou 6 was the very first game published for Windows PCs, all the way back in 2002! The five previous games were actually exclusive to a Japan-only machine, the NEC PC-98, a line that prevailed strongly in Japan before Microsoft conquered the world. As such, it’s really the first game that’s still relatively accessible today, as PC-98 emulation is... not really a stable thing yet -_- So even though this wasn’t quite true, it’s as if I started my journey into Touhou with the original! And once I started playing, I was honestly surprised at one thing once I hit the title screen: this game actually has lots of options to make the experience easier or harder!

I know that being able to change your starting lives, starting bombs, choose your overall difficulty and such isn’t groundbreaking at all, but honestly? I didn’t expect things to be so customisable in a bullet heck game series - a genre that’s known for being merciless to players! I did decide to go on Normal to have the “intended” experience, but things aren’t as daunting as you may think!

This game also allows you to play as not only Reimu, the poster character of the franchise, but also Marisa! Both of these girls also boasts two different weapons each, with their own strengths, weaknesses and bomb attacks! Again, I genuinely did not expect so much breathing room even though looking back... I feel like I should have : P

Once I actually started playing the game itself, there’s yet another thing that surprised me: the difficulty curve... it’s... manageable??

Now granted, I’m a person that plays a *lot* of games, and on top of that, I play lots of action games as well, games that require quick reaction times, good pattern reading and so on so forth. So there’s a chance my judgement on the game’s difficulty might be wrong or biased... but to me? Embodiment of Scarlet Devil actually has a good difficulty curve! The first stage of the game has many enemies that can shoot many bullets, but they’re slow, predictable and relatively easy to avoid because you have lots of space to maneuver around! On that same train of thought, Rumia, the first stage’s boss, certainly doubles down on the number of bullets she can throw at you. But, their patterns are once again pretty slow and predictable, making things much more comfortable at the start of your adventure!

But hold on a minute here, how does this game actually plays? Well, this is where I need to let out a horrifying truth:

Touhou is actually really, REALLY fun.

At first it does seem like a pretty standard shooter: you shoot at things, dodge bullets, collect power ups to boost your weapon’s strength, and make sure you don’t die too much in order to reach the final boss in good shape. However, what I ended up loving about Touhou are its many, many mechanics that spice things up beautifully! The first one I wanna focus on is “Grazing” and it’s actually pretty simple: if you do your best to get close to a bullet or a laser without touching it with your (very small!) hitbox, you graze that bullet! Not only will a satisfying sound effect play out each time you graze something, you will also gain points each time you do this maneuver, making it essential for a high score, and especially, to gain extra lives faster!  Secondly, there’s bombing! I am totally repeating myself here, but while each character has a different kind of bomb to their disposal, they each function in relatively the same way: you get to launch a strong attack against your opponents, get invincibility frames, and on top of that, get rid of any bullets that are currently on the screen! I love bombs in this game because they create a great balance: you can totally use them for offensive purposes, buuuut they also serve as a great defensive clutch if you just find things too difficult at the moment.  Bombs even have two extra layers to them! When you will get hit and lose a life (and believe me, you will) your bombs will get refilled back to three, urging you to not hoard them too much even if you’d prefer to save them for a tougher part. Because if you die, you might just “waste” bombs in a way! However, here’s an advanced kicker: if you manage to hit the bomb button just as you are hit by a projectile (8 frames within death I think!) you not only are able to save yourself from losing a life, you also won’t lose a bomb at all, either! This is a very difficult trick, but a very cool and potentially important one if you plan things out in the heat of battle ^^

Then there’s a mechanic that, to my knowledge, got introduced in EOSD: the POC, as in Point Of Collection! Now, as you destroy the many enemies after Reimu or Marisa, they naturally drop many power ups and point icons, and because there’s many of these you’re bound to miss them. However, this is where the POC comes in: if you are at full weapon power, you will earn the ability to collect every icon on the screen! This makes sense and is actually very smart, because most players - myself included - tend to hug the bottom of the screen as bullets are more scarce and slower here. BUT reaching that POC close to the top of the screen is a great way to incentivise players to risk things in order to get a massive amount of points and gain extra lives way faster! And finally, as soon as you do reach that max power, the game will automatically wipe every single projectile off the screen, so it’s even possible to time when you’ll get your final power boost to make things easier on yourself!

All of those mechanics together make Touhou EOSD a pure joy to play! It’s simple on the surface but has such interesting mechanics and risk-reward elements that can push you out of your comfort zone, but never forces you to! And sure enough, I got addicted~

Even though I did say that the game had a good curve and started off not too difficult, it does not mean that your journey will be easy: even early game bosses such as Cirno and Meiling took me lots of practice to get consistent at, by studying their patterns and testing out which strategies worked the best for survival. And eventually, even Patchouli and Sayaka’s stages will test you out with lots of predictable-yet-deadly bullets to test out your screen reading skills and even reflexes.

Touhou may be more accessible than I thought, but do not be mistaken: on Normal, this game will still challenge you, and I absolutely love it for that <3 

Another thing that helps this game out is - please pretend to be surprised - the music. Touhou has always been known for bringing some very good tunes all around, but besides Luna Nights’s incredible soundtrack, I actually never got to listen to any of them besides Bad Apple and one fanime opening my bestie sent me one year ago. And well... it’s true!

The game uses some very artificial, even out-of-tune instruments for its music, but strangely enough, it REALLY works! It gives the music a very nostalgic, warm feeling that’s hard to describe, but it works so well at making those songs catchy as all heck! It also helps that the compositions themselves are pretty strong and surprisingly complex for its genre, too! I would pick a favourite theme to show off, but the soundtrack’s just really consistent and good all around!

Sadly, I mostly cannot say the same for the game’s presentation. This game is a PC app from 2002 and it sadly somewhat shows. I’ll even bring a special mention to the in-game portraits, which are hilariously HORRIBLE! Thankfully dedicated fans have made a patch to improve the game’s visuals so that they’re more in line with later titles, but at base it’s really not the prettiest gem visually...

...except for the spell cards, the bosses’s strongest attacks, which are genuinely gorgeous multicolored motives that will struck you in awe before you are inevitably destroyed by them, it’s great! My favourite is the one you get from Meiling’s mid stage encounter, pictured above!

Before wrapping up this long, long post, I do wanna add this: the game will unfortunately only give you the good ending only by playing on Normal and above, and only if you beat the game without using any continues. This is called a 1CC, or 1 Credit Clear. Even if I don’t think the bad ending’s actually that unsatisfactory, I did want to get better at the game! So I practiced for many hours a day for a couple of weeks, memorized each boss’s patterns, learned where to graze, when to optimally reach the POC to get as many points as possible... this game pushed me to get better with an incentive, a reward waiting at the end, on top of the satisfaction of simply cheesing what used to be so difficult at some point and... well, I think this is the proof of a well-crafted game right there. After many failed attempts, I finally managed to 1CC this game (pictures below!!) and it was, genuinely, one of the most satisfying moments in my gaming life <3 

So... yeah. I might be a Touhou fan now. Welp.

Touhou VI: The Embodiment of Scarlet Devil was such a pleasant surprise for me: I expected a game I’d find somewhat boring at best and frustrating at worst, but I ended up having a very, very good time, and honestly? It’s not as hard as you’d think it is! You can beat a Touhou game, so long as you are interested in practicing and getting better, and I promise it’ll feel rewarding in the best of ways <3

I just wanna say thank you to Luna Nights and Team Ladybug, because without them, I would have never been curious and then surprised by how cool this game is. Thank you <3 

And many thanks to you, the reading, for staying until the end! Thank you for reading!

[tkstreyes]

Baby Fever

Follow-up to my fic Burning Love (or the one where TK and Carlos elope). If you want to read that one first, you can find it here. 

TK and Carlos have The Talk… about babies and starting a family. Thank you @starsignoutofwhack for the prompt! Still not sure I like the ending, but let me know what you guys think!

Word Count: 2.1k

Completely exhausted from their spontaneous trip to Vegas and fucking getting married, TK and Carlos are sitting on the floor, propped up against the couch, eating takeout and watching trashy reality TV. Carlos is wrapped up around TK, his chest pressed against his hubby’s back as TK sits between Carlos’ legs. Carlos attempts to use his chopsticks to steal a dumpling from the container in TK’s hand, earning him a slap on the wrist and protests to stick to his own dinner.

Carlos just giggles, but he can tell something is up with TK. He hasn’t said much since they got home, and Carlos knows him well enough by now to know when something is making him anxious. He puts down his own food container and wraps his arms around TK’s waist, giving him a tight squeeze and pressing his cheek against his shoulder.

“Ty, are you okay? What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”

TK puts his food on the coffee table and sighs, leaning into Carlos’ embrace. “Yeah… everything is fine. I’m just thinking.”

Carlos smiles into TK’s back and presses a kiss into the nape of his neck. “I know, cariño. I think I can actually hear the gears in your brain grinding away.”

TK chuckles before turning his head so he can get a good look at his beautiful husband. “I was just thinking about what my dad said today at the station. You know, about us having kids. I hope him saying that didn’t make you feel uncomfortable at all.”

Carlos shifts, turning TK around so that they are face to face. “I know we haven’t talked a lot about it, but I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. I mean, I know he was just messing around, but how do you feel about it?” Carlos is walking on eggshells. TK has been so much better about opening up and being vulnerable with him, but Carlos doesn’t want to push him too hard to the point where he shuts down. This is something they need to talk about eventually, and better to do it now while they are already on the subject.

TK’s face is unreadable. He is fidgeting, eyes down on his hands twisting in his lap. After what feels like forever, TK looks up at Carlos through his eyelashes, puppy dog eyes on full display, and in that moment Carlos knows he would give TK whatever he wants.

“I never really thought about it much before, not even when I was with Alex. It never seemed like we were at that point in our relationship, even though I almost asked him to marry me. I never thought I would be a good dad. I love my dad, and of course I know he loves me, but he wasn’t around all that much when I was a kid. The firehouse was his home, his crew was his family. I felt like the only way I could get his attention was to join the crew myself. My dad and I are close now, but I made it easier so he didn’t have to choose between his family at home and his fire family. I never wanted to put a kid through that.”

Carlos is being patient, eyes glued on TK’s and taking in every word. TK takes a shaky breath before continuing.

“But today, when my dad made that comment, I felt so much love for you, Carlos.” A smile spreads across TK’s face, his green eyes shimmering. “I didn’t feel scared, or even nervous. I felt fucking happy. I felt like there would be nothing that would make me happier than being a dad and having a kid with you. You know I love kids… I mean, I still go see Colt once a month to check up on him and to just hang out, build some Legos and stuff. But now, I am thinking how fucking much I would love our kid, Carlos. I know there would be a lot of logistics to straighten out, like whether we would adopt or have a surrogate, but I—”

Carlos cuts TK off by pulling him into a deep kiss, a slow and gentle kiss, like he has all the time in the world. When they finally pull apart to catch a breath, Carlos keeps his hands on TK’s face, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs, and he is trying (and failing) to keep the tears from his eyes, a soft smile on his lips.

“You, Tyler Kennedy, are going to make an amazing dad. You have such a capacity for love and kindness. You are always putting others before yourself, almost to a fault, but I love you all the more for it. I know that when it comes to our kid… Wow that is really weird to say, but I know that you would do anything for our kid, because that is who you are, Ty. You are someone who genuinely cares about others, and I am pretty sure that is the best quality a dad can have, right?”

Carlos takes TK’s hands, intertwining their fingers and holding his hands tightly as TK sniffles and holds back tears.  

“I totally and completely want to have a kid with you, Tyler. I grew up with older sisters, and now that all of them are married and have kids, I have wanted that for myself, too. I love my nieces and nephews so much, but it is nothing compared to how much I would love our kid. I know that there is still a lot we don’t know about being dads, but I know together we will figure it out. We are a team… you’re my partner in crime, babe.”

TK wipes over his eyes with one hand and lets out an amused huff. “God what is happening to me? Now that I’m married I’ve turned into such a sap.” He chuckles and gestures to Carlos with a small smirk. “You’ve always been the sappy one,” he says, earning a light shove from Carlos, and they both laugh as they pull each other into a hug. “I know now that I want to do this with you, but as of when…” TK trails off, pulling back to read Carlos’ reaction.

Carlos shakes his head, gripping TK’s shoulders and locking eyes with him. “As much as I want to be a dad with you, we don’t have to do anything right now. We are still so young, Ty, and we have plenty of time. But I am so glad that I got to have this conversation with you, so we know that while it might not be happening right now, it is going to happen for us someday. Maybe even someday in the near future, and I cannot wait for that day, cariño.”

“God, how do you always know just the perfect thing to say to get me out of my head?” TK looks at his husband with total love and adoration.  

Carlos leans in for a soft quick peck. “Because, Ty, I know you, and I love you. I feel like I have known you forever. You are a part of me, so when you need something, I know because it’s something that I need to.”

TK shakes his head as a light pink blush dusts across his cheeks. “Wow, how did I get so lucky to find you… to be loved by you?”

“I’m lucky to be loved by you, too, Ty,” Carlos breathes, “and one day, our kid will be so lucky to be loved by you.”

……….

One Year Later

When Carlos gets home from his shift, he can hear a commotion coming from somewhere deep in the apartment. He hears a loud bang followed by a string of expletives, and Carlos can’t help but giggle. “Ty, I’m home! What are you doing in there?”

TK comes running into the living room, hauling a newly purchased diaper bag around, throwing things in at random. “Carlos! Thank god you’re home. Kat just called from the hospital. She’s in labor.”

TK is practically vibrating with nervous energy. “I can’t believe this is happening right now. We are about to be dads, Carlos. Holy shit, we are about to be dads. Oh my god, we are not ready. Do we even have everything we need? Where’s the car seat? We are gonna need that… Diapers! We have enough, right? Oh god, what about the crib! Wait we put that together last week—”

“Tyler!” Carlos yells to get his attention in the midst of his frantic rambling and uses both hands to grab hold of his jaw, forcing TK to make eye contact. “Breathe, baby. You need to breathe. Take a deep breath with me.”

TK does as he’s told, inhaling slowly before letting out a shaky breath, and Carlos’ hands slide down TK’s neck to grip his shoulders firmly. “Okay, much better, now that I’m not worried about you passing out from hyperventilation… We’ve got this. We are going to be okay. Let’s finish getting everything together, and then we will go to the hospital to meet our beautiful baby, okay?”

Closing his eyes and taking another deep breath, TK nods and huffs out a breath, forcing a small smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He is still shaking as he says, “Yes, okay, let’s do that. Damn Carlos, how are you so calm right now? I’m freaking out a little bit over here.”

Carlos raises an eyebrow at TK and smirks. “A little bit?”

“Okay, okay, I’m freaking out a lot. This is just… so big. You would think I would be able to handle myself in high pressure situations but…” TK trails off as he drags a hand down his face. His eyes drop to the floor, and he whispers so low Carlos barely catches what he says next. “What if Kat regrets picking us? What if she regrets picking… me?”

The break in TK’s voice breaks Carlos’ heart. The idea that TK can even think something like that has tears stinging Carlos’ eyes. He softly takes TK’s jaw in between his thumb and his index finger, tilting his chin up so Carlos can look into his beautiful green eyes.

“Tyler Kennedy, you are going to be an amazing dad. I have absolutely zero doubts about that. Kat chose us because she saw in you the same things I see in you. Someone who is thoughtful, caring, selfless, and a million other important things. You always put others first, and protecting the people you love is your top priority. Kat wanted to choose the best family for her baby, and I truly believe that she couldn’t have chosen anyone better.”

There are tears trailing down TK’s cheeks. He brings one hand to his face to carelessly wipe at them as the other reaches up to wrap around Carlos’ forearm tightly. His eyes are wide, and he squeezes Carlos’ arm even tighter. “But I’m an addict, Carlos… What if I relapse? What if I put the baby in harm’s way because I can’t focus on anything but getting a fix?”

Carlos’ chest tightens, and it feels like someone is squeezing his heart and trying to rip it out of his chest. His first instinct is to try to lighten the mood, to try to get TK to see that Carlos would never let that happen. “Honey, I’m a cop. You think you’ll be getting any drugs past me?” he says with a smirk.

When TK doesn’t laugh or even crack a smile, Carlos continues, gripping onto TK a little tighter. “Hey, cariño, I would never let anything happen to you or this baby. You have been doing so much better; you’ve been sober for well over a year now. I know that doesn’t mean that you don’t have the intrusive thoughts or urges, but you are the strongest person I know. I can go to more meetings with you, if you want, and we can get in touch with your sponsor more often. You have been fighting this fight for a very long time, and it seems like every day it’s a little bit easier to win. If that’s ever not the case, just let me know and we will figure it out together.”

TK finally smiles as more tears fall down his face. “Wow, I really do have the best husband, and this baby is about to have the best father.”

Carlos brings his hands up to cradle TK’s face, his thumbs brushing away the tears. He pulls TK in for a kiss, soft and sweet, filled with hope and longing. “The best fathers, you mean. Now, one more deep breath. Let’s get going… we have a baby on the way.”

[bxllafanficc]

My dear apprentice - Anakin!Skywalker x fem!reader: Chapter 1.

(Anakin's pov)

"You're fading off again, pull yourself together!".

   Ah.

Just another day in the life of the jedi order. And it's as boring as ever. The same rhythm and schedule every sunrise. Nothing's new and exciting anymore, though I never expected it to be. It's war times and everyone's affected in their own ways.

"I wasn't! I was only resting my eyes from the piercing sun for awhile." I outed in a more defensive manner than I intended.

"It looked awfully much like you were drifting off for the third time only this hour, Anakin."

   The tense look my former master gave me caused a quiet sigh to escape my lips. He's disappointed.

   Lately it seems that I have fallen head first into a slump that I have no idea how to get out of. Uwanted attention is the result of several failed missions one after another caused by none other than me.

The council is starting to see a pattern in my downfalls and it's showing.         

   I haven't been sleeping much, maybe that's why. Though there's not much I can do about it. Every night, nightmares creep into my dreams and wake me up in the middle if the night covered in sweat or just pure anger.

This results in me waking up exceedingly early and already in a bad mood every day.

"I'm sorry, Obi-wan. I guess it's just not my day today."

A chuckle from the man I hold close as a friend.

"You've been saying that for soon to be a month now. I think it's safe to say that this isn't  your YEAR! Not anyone's year, for that matter."

He's right.

Recently I've only caused more trouble than I've solved. Even the most simple tasks seem to be enough for me to fall asleep mid battle.

No, not really.

   But close to. I have been fainting a lot due to lack of sleep and at this point I would probably be dead if it wasn't for Obi-wan being there to back me up. I often stay irritated and on the edge for days, spend as much time as possible alone in my dorm and exercise until I eventually fall asleep of exhaustion. It works most of the time but only for a few hours or so.

   My lifestyle and the choices I'm making is an utter failure. Cause even though someone's almost always there to save my back in times like these, I still fail, and for what, some night terrors?

"What's to discuss at the council meeting today? Anything new?" I ask.

I do probably already know the answer to that. But I'll ask anyway, since we're already heading to the High council chamber, the room where all the wise jedi masters go through important matters happening in the galaxy.

My gaze wanders over the all so familiar temple halls, ancient history patterns draping on the marooned colored fabric covering the once naked stone walls.

Right ahead of us are the stairs leading up to the chamber.

A small knot of distress froms in my abdomen as I let my feet carry me. Only bad memories from this room.

   I'm a part of the council too, which is the reason I'm heading there with Obi-wan. But the thing is... I'm not a master. I wasn't granted the rank at the end of my training as a padawan, which is a natural part of the process of becoming a jedi knight.

   It has bugged me ever since. Something holds me apart from everyone else. Because even though I'm a council member, I don't feel equal to the remaining 11 knights.

   Even at the very beginning of my journey, the council were much reluctant at even training me in the first place.

"Actually there is. This matter is about you, for a fact. But I was told not to let you know about it until we reach the chamber." Obi-wan replies in a subtle but slightly odd voice.

What?

What couldn't he tell me?

I raise an eyebrow and lock eyes with my friend  who now had gained a spark of something I cannot tell; in his eyes. The knot in my stomach thickens.

"Is that so? I don't like the sound by that. Should I be worried. Or more importantly, should I turn my heel already and flee the scene?"

No answer.

I cross my arms, slowing down my pace until it forces Obi-wan to stop walking and eventually confirm or deny my worries. At first he seem impatient to get to the chamber with me already. Then finally he gives up a sigh and flashes me a genuine bright smile that would leave anyone confused in a situation like this.

"You might not like it at first, but I'm positive that you'll come around and turn out to enjoy it in the end!" He pats me on the shoulder and continues up the stairs.

Now what the ***** is that supposed to mean?

As I pick up my pace once again, a ton of questions build up inside and I swallow down a lump of doubt as I take the last steps up the stairs and into the evocative High council chamber.

Inside is everyone seated as usual and the open view of the nature outside is gloomy and grey due to the rainy weather that has been going on for the entire week.

The first eyes to meet mine are of course master Yoda and master Windu. A silent welcoming nod from them and I advert me gaze to look around the room once again.

But today it's not as usual. Because there's another person in the room. Someone  whom I've never met in my life before; standing in the back of the chamber leaned against the rounded pale wall. A girl, seemingly around my age or younger. Her posture is upright and the look on her face is blank and absent.

   Then suddenly her expression turns curious and tense as her piercing  (e/c) eyes look back at me. She's judging me, looking me up and down, observing and searching.

I only confirm my staring for a few seconds, then look back at the seats in front of me and nod back at the two masters.

   Confused and with a dumbfounded look on my face I move to go take my seat in one of the chairs postioned in a rounding shape due to the dome.

"Welcome, Young Skywalker. Been awaiting you we have!" Yoda exclaims with a sheerful voice as Mace Windu straightens his once laid back posture into a forward and serious look. By the judge of his look, he'll be the next one to talk.

"Don't take your seat just yet, Anakin. As the first matter to bring up on todays agenda involves you specifically, we would like you to stand up just a little longer."

I stop walking and position myself in the center of the chamber as expected from the other council members, the burning eyes of the unknown woman distracting my concentration.

"What is it that you want to discuss?" I ask with hesitation spread all over my face.

The slight crinkle between Mace Windu's eyebrow tells that he seems to struggle with his choice of words for the next coming sentences.

"Well... As a matter of fact it's not really that much to discuss. We have an announcement regarding your work efforts the past month."

My abdomen twist in aversion and reluctantly weigh over my body weight onto one single foot. I can feel my posture sinking the more nervous I get. Of course I knew that I would have to talk about my recent failures with them eventually, but as you do, I just hoped that they would forget and move on.

"Lately we've experienced a... reckless side of yours during your battles or simply by the way you act depending on the day. And judging  by the distressed aura you've had for several weeks and the significant tiredness you've been experiencing, we have decided to put you on hold for awhile to attend to other, less energy craving jedi matters."

"Wait, what other jedi matters if not doing the tasks I've been sent out on? I don't need to rest, I just need to gain back my focus somehow!" I insist but it seems to have little to no effect on the man's decision.

"Anakin Skywalker, in concern for your health and with intention to help you grow as a knight and as a person, we've assigned you a different type of task. A task that we are positive will leave a big and encouraging mark in your growth as a Jedi."

I don't like the sound of this.

I think I already know what they mean. The girl and the strange looks I've been receiving... Can only mean-

"Assigned you a padawan, we have! Meet your apprentice, (y/n)!" Yoda utters and points his staff at the girl in the back of the room as a last confirming sign.

...

What.

They assigned me a what?!

//thank you so so much for reading mt first fanfic ever!🥺😭❤️ It means a lot to me! This story is originally on Wattpad and will soon be on Ao3 as well; both going by the same name as above! If you want to check out that as well, I would be so happy! (p.s. The cover of the story on wattpad is only a placeholder until I draw my own cover, but it takes talent to do that so it will take a whileT-T)//

[bellemorte180]

Wanderlust Chapter Nine

If it was not for Enzo barking and wagging his tail at the sight of Klaus, the house would have been silent. Klaus bent down and petted the dog in greeting and avoided looking at Caroline. He was nervous. He knew she was angry at him and frankly, he did not blame her. She had every right to be fuming and Enzo was providing him with a nice distraction. He could feel Caroline’s eyes boring into him and only felt brave enough to meet her eye when Enzo ran off to grab a toy.

She did not appear angry but rather disappointed; a fact that surprised him. He was expecting to be met with fury, although, he supposed that if she was angry, she would not have let him into the house. He felt calmer than he had when she came upon him on the at the police station. He regretted how he had treated her earlier and wanted to make things right; seeing her angry eyes and hurt expression tore at him, even worse because he knew that he was the reason why she had felt that way. He detected no hint of redness around her eyes and the fact that he had not made her cry was at least something; that he knew of anyway. Their spat had been hours ago and the chances of her ending up in tears between then and now were high.

Caroline said nothing when he peaked up at her; Enzo nudging his hand with a toy pig. Klaus grabbed it and tossed it across the room gently. Enzo chased after it while his master looked at Klaus expectedly. She crossed her arms, being mindful of her cast and cocked an eyebrow at him. She was not going to make this easy on him and that caused him to fight down a smirk. If he started smiling now, Klaus had a feeling it would not go over well for him. Caroline was not a push over and he was not about to mess this up. Not now.

“I’m sorry.” Klaus started out, lamely. He honestly did not know how to begin and figured that was the best place to start. “I was in a foul mood when I saw you and I took my anger out on you. That was not fair, and I should not have said what I said. I regretted it the moment you walked away.” Caroline said nothing but just continued to look at him. “Last night was one of the worst nights I’ve had a in a while, and to be honest, one the worst I’ve ever experienced, but the moments we shared, here, it’s the only exception and bright spot that I cannot regret.”

“So, I’m not just a distraction that got your best friend killed?” Klaus winced. While it was not what he said exactly, it was clearly what Caroline heard between his words. Her tone was light which scared Klaus more than it should. The cold shoulder appeared to be Caroline choice of punishment and that terrified him more than listening to her scream and shout like Rebekah would have; or any of his ex’s. Enzo was nudging Klaus’s hand, but he ignored the dog, his focus completely on Caroline.

“No! Absolutely not.” Klaus looked as though he was walking down the plank to an open shark infested sea. “You bare no responsibility for Marcel’s…. for his death. It was not right of me to insinuate such things. You have so much to deal with that I cannot...” Caroline held up her hand, telling Klaus to stop talking; a bitter smirk playing on her lips.

“Okay, I get it. You’re sorry. You get a pass just this once because I get where your anger comes from. Your friend died and I cannot comprehend how you must be feeling right now.” Her voice was sympathetic, and she could not help but notice how his shoulder’s slumped. “I had a long time today to think about it and I came to grips with why you were lashing out.”

“So, I’m forgiven?” Klaus whispered, his shoulder’s sagging in relief. He genuinely felt horrible for how he treated her and was expecting a long session of groveling ahead of him. “I was expecting yelling, the cold shoulder or something first.”

“Well, like I said, I had a long afternoon to think about it.” Caroline stepped forward, taking the pig out of Enzo’s mouth and tossing it on the couch; telling the dog that it was not time to play. She looked at Klaus and gave him a rueful smile. “You were hurt and lashing out. I get it but you better hear me when I say this. I will not be treated like that again. I spent years in a relationship with Damon and then Tyler being treated horribly, and I refuse to be with someone who disrespects me. Okay?”

“I would never, ever, do what Damon did to you. Or Tyler.” Klaus whispered to her. The mere thought of him laying hands on Caroline in any manner that would cause her harm made him feel ill. Klaus had such a vehemence towards domestic violence, for it always reminded him of Mikael, that he just could not become that person. “I would never lay a hand on you. Ever.”

“I know.” She stepped close enough to him and placed her hand on his chest. She leaned upward and kissed his cheek gently. “I know that you would never, ever do that to me. I hardly know you but that has never been a question or concern in my mind. I just did not appreciate you taking your anger out on me.” Klaus couldn’t help himself; he pulled Caroline against his chest and buried his face in her hair, enjoying the feeling of holding her close. “Bonnie however, she is not your biggest fan right now. I spent a good portion of the afternoon defending you. Just so you know.”

“Well, I suppose that is to be expected.” Klaus muttered into her hair; still refusing to let her go. He remembered the glare Bonnie tossed him before stalking off after Caroline. “I guess I should thank you for being my defender.” Caroline chuckled lightly into his chest as a though occurred to him. Klaus looked around the small house and noticed for the first time that Caroline was alone. “Where is Bonnie?”

“Oh…” Caroline trailed off, pulling away from him slightly; biting her lip as she went. “Well. You see….I might have told a small fib.” Klaus said nothing but just looked at her; waiting for an explanation. “I told Bonnie that mom would be staying here tonight.”

“Right.” Klaus just looked at her in disbelief. “Except your mother was still at the station when I left and did not appear to be leaving any time soon.” Caroline nodded. Klaus wanted to tell her that she was insane for telling Bonnie to leave and that her mother would be there later, when Klaus was sure that Liz assumed Bonnie would be staying with Caroline. “I’m assuming if I point out that there is a serial killer on the loose, one that tried to break in last night is not going to be a welcome response?”

“Nope.” Caroline gave him a soft smile. “Not only that, but I have tweedled dee and tweedled dumb outside, or some counterpart of them.” Klaus snorted at the description of Rosza and Vanchure. “I get that you’re worried. I get that everyone is worried, because believe me, after last night, I’m terrified. I’m questioning everyone I’ve known since I was a child, wondering who could possibly behind this but if I force myself to constantly be babysat, I’ll lose my mind. I just wanted a few hours alone. That’s all.”

“I know.” Klaus told her, understanding the fact that she was feeling suffocated. He reached down and took her good hand. He could not help but bring it to his lips and kissed it. The memory of her kisses from the night before were the only thing keeping him sane as the muddled through the day. Even after their argument, Klaus wanted nothing more than to feel her in his arms again. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No. Stay.” Caroline replied in a soft tone. She linked their fingers together and pulled him towards the couch. Klaus settled onto it, his head dropping onto the back of it. Caroline curled up beside him, resting her head against his chest. Klaus, absent mindedly, began running his fingers through her blond curls. “If you want to talk, I’m here.”

“I know.” Klaus leaned down and kissed the top of her head, taking comfort in the fact that she was safe and in his arms. He had been so terrified of learning that she had been murdered, never considering the fact that someone else he cared for could be in danger. “I called my sister. She had to know about Marcel.”

“How did she take it?”

“Not well.” Klaus replied. “I could hear her tearing up on the phone. I hate hearing her cry, all of us do. She is the youngest and the only girl so we were always a bit over protective of her and because of that, she was always a bit much to handle; wanting to prove that she could take care of herself all the while finding herself in some blunder or another.” Caroline chuckled at that. “I thought that Marcel would be good for her.”

“Marcel had mentioned that they had dated?” Caroline asked and it made her happy to hear him chuckle. Klaus knew what she was doing, she was trying to get him to open up about his friend without pushing him for more than he would be able to give. “What happened there?”

“Distance mostly.” Klaus replied honestly. “They connected and hit it off really well. I could tell that Marcel really loved her, but Rebekah can be a bit much at times. She expects everyone to drop their own lives to match hers. Marcel is…. was… a devoted agent and refused to compromise that. She wanted him to move to England to be with her. He wanted her to come to D.C permanently. It would have made more sense. Rebekah writes for a fashion magazine and they have a branch in D.C., but she was refused. I think more on principal than anything else.”

“So, it didn’t work out?” Klaus shook his head in answer. He remembered how heartbroken Marcel had been when Rebekah and he ended their relationship. He was concerned that it would affect their partnership, but Klaus told him that he knew how his sister was. No matter what happened between Marcel and Rebekah, he wasn’t about to give up the one friend he had because his sister did not understand the concept of compromise. Rebekah was as equally heartbroken, but she hid it well; burying it deep down and refusing to discuss it with anyone. Yet, hearing her voice has he told her Marcel was dead, he knew that his baby sister never really mended that broken heart.

“No.” Klaus sighed. “I told Vincent, the agent and my boss who came down from D.C.” Caroline nodded, understanding who he was speaking of. “That once this case was over, I am done but the last thing I want to do is tell Marcel’s family. I know them. I’ve had Thanksgiving at his grandmother’s house the last two years. They should hear it from me.”

Caroline looked at him with a sympathetic gaze. Neither one had discussed what happens after. Neither knew what happened next. Klaus needed to go to New Orleans and pay respects to Marcel but after that, he just did not know where he was going. As for Caroline, he knew that she would have enough to baggage to deal with that he did not want to add to that. She needed heal; and in many ways so did he.

“Klaus.” Caroline moved away from his arms and moved to straddle his lap. She wrapped her broken arm around his shoulders and pressed her good hand to his face; pulling his gaze to her eyes. “You’re a good man Klaus. I know that you sometimes feel as though you’re not but the fact that you want to be the one to tell Marcel’s family what happened to him, just proves to me that you are. Not everyone would be able to do that.”

“He deserves it. He deserved so much better than a bullet to the head in his sleep.” Emotions welled up inside him. It was a mixture of so many different feelings colliding within him all at once. The stress from the case that had been weighing on him and the general burn out that his job had been providing in general was reaching its breaking point. Add in the events of the day and Klaus was truly ready to just give in.

The only thing that is keeping him sane was Caroline and the feelings he had stirring inside of him. He wanted to cling to that one positive emotion he had. He knew that it was not fair to her, to put that burden of his potential breakdown on her; but all he wanted to do was be selfish in that moment. He just wanted to hold her and feel something that wasn’t the blackness consuming his very soul. He was tired of grieving.

All he had done for years was grieve.

“We all deserve more than that. I think about Vicki and April and Andi and that woman Cami. I think about that cell and seeing their names written on the wall. I know what they suffered. The only difference is that I’m here to tell the tale, but I wish so much that they all were here.” Caroline leaned down and touched their foreheads together. “The only good thing that has come out of this entire mess is meeting you. You’ve been my anchor, keeping me grounded and strong. When the agents told me what happened, all I wanted was to comfort you.”

“I’m so sorry…for what I said.”

“Shh.” Caroline pressed her finger to his lips, silencing him. “I know. I know.” Caroline leaned down and kissed him on the lips gently. This kiss was different than the ones they shared previously. It was full of desire, but it was not heated like the night before; those had been passion filled and while those meant the world to Klaus, this kiss held the same amount of desire but held more meaning to it.

When Caroline broke the kiss, her eyes held a question that Klaus desperately wanted to answer. He should do the opposite. He should get up from that couch and walk out the door. He should go to the bed and breakfast Vincent rented out and not do what every ounce of his being wanted. He thought on Marcel and everything that was lost in this god-forsaken town and he knew his decision was made.

Caroline stood, leaving his embrace and held out her good hand; wiggling her fingers in the process. Not needing to think twice, Klaus mingled his fingers with hers, letting her pull him from the couch. She led him out of the living room, passing a sleeping Enzo who had curled up in his dog bed by the armchair. She pushed open the door to her bedroom, a room he had not been in since the day he came to check out her house. It was the same; clean and orderly. Yet, it was not the room or its decor that Klaus was focused on.

The look in Caroline’s eyes made Klaus’s heart flutter. There was desire, longing and most importantly understanding behind the orbs that had grown to fascinate him. He needed her in that moment, and he knew that this was not just about what he wanted but a connection she needed as well.

Caroline reached down and pulled the grey and rumpled Henley from the confines of his jeans. She pulled it over his head, his arms raised allowing her to do so and tossed it on the floor; not caring that it wasn’t folded neatly. His bare chest was exposed to her and she leaned in, kissing a light trail of kisses across it. Her lips made contact with black tattoo of birds on his shoulder. Her tongue peaked out and Klaus groaned at the feeling of it tracing parts of his tattoo.

Needing to touch her, Klaus trailed his fingers over her arms gently and placed his hands on her hips; this thumb tracing the part of her skin that peaked out from her tank top. Slowly, he pulled the shirt upward and over her head. Caroline stood before him in a simple white bra and it was the most beautiful sight Klaus had seen in a long time. It almost felt like coming home after a long time away.

Klaus leaned down and kissed her again. Their lips touched one another softly while Caroline’s hand ran down the length of his chest. Her nails left light marks that were not painful but made Klaus moan into her mouth. Caroline reached for his belt and began to undo it but in a moment of clarity, Klaus took her wrist into his hand; stalling her movements.

“Are you sure? I need to know if you want this.” He looked at her imploringly. He could not take advantage of her if she was not sure. He knew that she was in a fragile state and despite the fact that she clearly felt something for him, he could not have her regretting their time together.

“Yes. I want this. More than anything. Do you?” Klaus did not need to answer her but instead just kissed her a little deeper this time. He kicked off his shoes and moved them to the side. Caroline worked on his belt buckle again and pulled down the zipper of his pants; slipping her hand inside. She gripped his member, causing Klaus to hiss through his teeth.

“Caroline.” He rested his forehead against hers again, enjoying the feeling of her stroking him for a few moments before stopping her. He pushed his jeans down to his ankles, boxers following suit and Caroline chuckled lightly as he stumbled; not feeling even a little ashamed that she ogled his naked body. Klaus smiled widely and for the first time, Caroline got a glimpse of his dimples; ones that only shown when truly smiled. She leaned up and kissed each one on his cheeks.

Klaus reached behind her and unclasped her bra, knowing that it would be difficult for her to do it herself when one hand was in a cast. Much like their other clothing, Klaus tossed her bra to the ground and took in the sight of her breasts. He reached out to cup her, his thumb running over her erect nipple.

“Ahh…Klaus.” Caroline breathed out in a moan. He could see her legs press together as though trying to get some type of friction. The sight caused Klaus to smile gently at her. He kissed her again before dropping to his knees. He unfastened her shorts, kissing her skin at the top of the denim fabric. He slipped the shorts down her long legs. Caroline stepped out of them and Klaus took on of her legs and put it over his shoulder. He kissed the inside of her thigh, slowly heading towards her center. He placed a soft kiss on the fabric that kept her covered as Caroline weaved her fingers through his blond hair. “No.” She tugged on his head and following her command, Klaus stood. “Bed.”

Much like she had done in the living room, Caroline pulled him gently towards the bed. She laid down on it, her hair spreading out on the pillows and her arms rested outstretched beside her as though they were angel wings. Klaus crawled onto the bed and over her; Caroline spread her legs wide for him, allowing him to fit easily. Klaus leaned down and kissed her stomach as his fingers looped into the sides of her panties and pulled them down her legs. Gazing at her completely naked body, Klaus decided that he had never seen a more perfect sight.

“Beautiful.” He took his finger and ran it up her slit, feeling her juices and Caroline’s head falling back at the contact. Slowly, he inserted one finger and then another. He pumped them in and out of her, Caroline mewling and whimpering at the feel of him. When his thumb touched her clitoris, her good hand gripped the headboard behind her and her backed arched. “Let it out Caroline. Let go.”

“God yes.” She cried as her soft release climbed over her. Klaus took a moment to watch her and admire how the flush of the heat crawled over her skin. He leaned down and kissed her, allowing her body to relax again. “Condom. Bedside table.”

Understanding, Klaus reached over and pulled open the drawer. He bypassed the few sex toys and went for the condoms. He opened the unused box and took one package out. He ripped it open, knowing that Caroline would have some difficulty doing so with one hand. He sat up on his knees and tossed the foil aside. Caroline propped herself up on her elbow, watching as he pulled the latex condom over his penis. Once it was in place, Caroline laid back down on her back and Klaus settled over her. Taking himself in hand, Klaus aligned himself with Caroline’s entrance and slowly pushed in.

His jaw slacked and an undignified tone slipped past his lips; but he didn’t care. The feeling of Caroline surrounding him was more than he expected. She was warm, tight and perfect. When he was able to open his eyes and look down at her, he could not help but be taken aback by the intensity of her gaze. This wasn’t just about sex. It wasn’t about the relief or pleasure that they achieved by the act.

It was more than that.

It was the comfort the both needed in the hands of the other. It was the connection they both wanted. It was the sense that the entire world has not completely crumbled down around them. It was the knowledge that they both had found something in the darkness that surrounded them that was worth hanging onto. It was a need they both had and were willing to share with one another. Klaus leaned down and kissed her again; unable to help himself. He rolled his hips gently and slowly. The movements were long and angled. He withdrew completely before slipping back inside her; Caroline matching his every move.

Klaus never took his eyes off of her. He watched every expression that flashed over her face. She tossed him small smiles, ones that he could not help but return. Caroline’s good hand drew small invisible designs on his back before moving to rest on the small of his back. Klaus traced small caresses on her body, his touch fluttering and light. Klaus could feel his release building and knew that Caroline would need help getting to that point again. He reached between them where their bodies were connected and touched the place where her bundle of nerves were located. Much like his previous caresses, his touch was light and gentle.

“Klaus.” Caroline said to him as her body hit that release; her eyes looking at him through ever second. Watching how her lips parts and the relief flow through her blue eyes was enough for him to still over her. His own release overcame him, and his heart began beating wildly. He rested his forehead against hers, their breath mingling together. Once they calmed down and their breathing returned to normal, Caroline let out a happy giggle; a sound that Klaus knew he did not want to be the last time he heard it.

When Klaus woke the next morning, Caroline was already up and coming out of the shower. It was early and he knew that he would have to head into the station soon. When he pulled himself from the bed, the two shared a heated look and a secret smile; their minds traveling to the night before and the many times they had one another in that bed. Caroline flushed a beautiful shade of red before heading over to the bed and sitting down beside him.

“I’ll make breakfast.” Caroline leaned down to kiss his lips before heading out of her bedroom; Klaus’s eyes watching her as she went. Klaus smiled as he pulled his naked body from her sheets and walked over to the black bag he had sat beside her dresser at some point during the night; after their first round of sex. He grabbed his bathroom supplies and a change of clothes before heading into the shower.

As the hot water sprayed down his body, enjoying the pressure and realizing that the motel showers were far worse than he realized. Klaus groaned slightly as he thought back on that motel room and Marcel. Even though being in Caroline’s arms the night before helped calm him, the devastation over his friend’s death still lingered. It added another layer of desperation to find this psychopath; and it no longer was just for Caroline, but for Marcel as well.

Klaus’s thoughts moved towards the day at hand. He knew that Vincent was not going to be pleased with him and probably already knew that Klaus stayed at Caroline’s overnight. Between Vincent being a damn good agent and the fact that agents were watching Caroline’s house, it was bound to be obvious that Klaus was there. Klaus knew that if they did not have more pressing matters to attend to Vincent would be grilling him. Klaus paused in the sound and groaned, forgetting a key detail he did not mention to Caroline.

Elena.

With everything that happened the day before, Marcel, fighting with Caroline and then coming to her home, remembering that they had arrested Elena slipped his mind. He was certain that the attorney would be there first thing and they would begin to grill the girl, he wanted to ensure that Caroline heard it from him and not a third party.

Because she would. Either Liz would tell her, or Bonnie would pounce the moment she found out. It is bound to spread around town quickly that Elena was held in connection to the murders and Klaus really wanted to avoid fighting with her again. Plucking up his remaining courage, Klaus turned off the shower, dressed and made his way out to the kitchen.

Caroline was busy trying to make breakfast, but Klaus could see that she was having difficulty cooking with one hand. The look of concentration on her face made Klaus pause. She was determined to crack an egg with on hand and she was doing well, but when a shell obviously fell into the yolk, she gave out a huff of irritation. Her nose crinkled in frustration and she bit her lip with determination; doing the best she could to scoop out the shell.

Klaus was struck by how beautiful she was. Her hair was still wet from her shower and tossed into a messy bun. Her face was scrubbed and fresh, no makeup on and completely unaware how lovely she looked. Just seeing her made Klaus’s stomach twist and lurch into his throat. It was a feeling that he was not familiar with. A feeling he was not ready to name yet.

“Hey!” Caroline’s voice stirred him from his musing. Her smile was wide and happy. Klaus, unable to contain his own smiles, met her gaze. He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her waist; kissing the top of her head. “I’m attempting to make breakfast, but it’s been a challenge.”

“Clearly.” Klaus teased and Caroline shot him a look of mock fury. “Let me take over. Take your coffee and sit down.” Caroline looked as though she was going to protest but decided that not to. Instead she picked up her coffee and went to sit on one of the bar stools as she watched Klaus take over making some scrambled eggs and bacon. “What are your plans for today?”

“Not sure.” Caroline shrugged. “I haven’t been to the office since…well, this started. My boss gave me FMLA and is giving me extended leave but part of me wants to get back to normal.” Klaus nodded, understanding her need for normalcy. Klaus piled up Caroline’s plate with food and handed it to her; Enzo coming over, realizing that Caroline had food. “What about you?”

“Well, there is something I need to tell you. I should have last night, but we got distracted.” Caroline shot him a look and her cheeks flushed bright red; their minds traveling to the previous night. Klaus coughed slightly before turning back to his own food that he was making. “We have someone in custody.” Caroline’s eyes grew wide and Klaus held up his hand. “Not the killer. We don’t think she had anything to do with murders or kidnapping directly.”

“She?”

“Elena.”

“What?”

“A few months ago, she was suspended for taking a large quantity of medication from the hospital she works at.” Caroline’s mouth was still agape, and she couldn’t look away from him. Klaus placed a plate of eggs and toast in front of her but she didn’t seem to notice. “The same type of medication that was used to drug you and the other woman.” Caroline slumped back against her seat, processing everything he just told her. “Damon all but paid off the hospital in order for Elena to keep her job. The drugs were never recovered.”

“Of course, he did.” Caroline replied with a bitter snort. Klaus watched her, moving around the island and sat down beside her with his own food in hand; his black coffee in the other. He could see the fury burning behind her eyes and with the shake of her head; he knew that Caroline’s good mood evaporated. “What the fuck is wrong with her?”

“I don’t know Sweetheart.” He took a bite of food, ignoring Enzo’s begging and continued to look at Caroline. “But it’s good. It means we are closer to finding who did this. Elena refused to talk, lawyering up but once she tells us what she knows, hopefully we can make an arrest soon.”

“A lawyer Damon probably paid for.” Caroline had a sour look on her face and Klaus could not blame her. Damon had done horrible things to her and here was someone who claimed to be her friend, digging the knife into her back deeper and deeper. After a moment, she reached beside her and gripped Klaus’s hand. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Of course.” Klaus replied. The two of them continued to eat in silence, Caroline picking at her food more so than actually eating anything. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but Klaus felt that if he pushed Caroline to talk, she would snap. It wasn’t until they both were done eating and Caroline walked him to the door that she spoke again.

“Will you come by tonight? If you can?” Caroline asked in a vunerabale tone. Klaus wanted nothing more than to tell her that he would be there; but knew that he could not make a promise he could not keep.

“If I can. I will. If something happens and I can’t, I will let you know.” Caroline nodded and Klaus leaned down to kiss her. The kiss was gentle and full of promise; the memory of the night they shared passed through them. He wanted to stay with her and in the small bubble they created for themselves. He did not know if he could face walking into that station without Marcel being there.

“Okay. Be safe.” They shared one last kiss, before Klaus walked through the front door.

Neither realizing the chaos the day had instore from them.

As Klaus was walking down the lane to his SUV, he saw Vanchure leaning against his; a coffee in one hand and a phone in the other. Even from several feet away, Klaus could see the amused smirk playing on the other agent’s face. As Klaus climbed into his own vehicle, he knew that Vanchure was informing their boss that he was on his way to the station and it was only second before he heard Vincent’s yell as he stepped through the front doors.

“Mikaelson! In here. Now.”

Klaus sighed and headed towards Liz’s office that Vincent had taken over. Once he stepped inside, he saw the corkboard that used to set up in the conference room on the other side of the office and the files spread across Liz’s desk. Vincent was pacing the office, dressed in the exact same suit from the day before. Klaus wondered if he had left the station at all but from the looks of him, Klaus doubted it.

“Tell me right now, why spending the night at a key witness’s house last night was a good idea.” Vincent’s tone was hard, and Klaus could see that he was close to losing his temper. If this had been any other day, Klaus would have been worried that he just ruined his career but in the light of everything, he found he just did not care.

“What does it matter?”

“What does it matter?! Are you fucking serious right now?” Vincent looked at him as though he had lost his mind, but Klaus just glared right back at him. There really was nothing Vincent could do to him that would make him regret being with Caroline. “Did you have sex with her?”

“Not that it is any of your business but yes. I did.” Klaus was unsure how Caroline would feel if she knew that he just confessed to sleeping with her to his boss, but he knew he could not lie about that. It happened and he would not take it back, even if meant facing is boss’s fury. Vincent sunk down into his chair and massaged his head as though he was pressing a migraine away.

“Jesus Christ, Klaus. Do you not see the position you’ve put me in?” Vincent looked at him, but Klaus showed him no regret or sympathy, but he refrained from smirking at him or seeming to proud. “I should take you off this case immediately and send you back to Washington.”

“I already quite.”

“You turned in your resignation but are still my agent until then and if I deem it necessary to send your ass packing, I will do so.”

“I’m not leaving.” Klaus told him and by his tone Vincent knew that even if he removed Klaus from this case, there was no getting him to leave town until everything was solved. “Should I have not gone to Caroline’s last night. Probably. But I don’t regret it. I care for her. I was hurting, angry and I said some things to her that I needed to apologize for. I never intended to stay but I don’t regret that I did.” Vincent just looked at him, listening. “Marcel was just murdered. The man who I called a close friend is dead at the hands of this monster. Throw me off the case if you want but that does not mean I’ll stop working it.”

“You fucked up Klaus.” Vincent told him. “But taking you off this case would be stupid and detrimental. You were right yesterday when you said that you knew this case.” Vincent leaned back in his chair, eyes closed and appeared far older than Klaus had seen him. “I spent half the night on the phone with the director. He wants this solved. Marcel’s death makes the bureau look bad and he is concerned that reporters will get wind of it.”

“To be honest. I don’t give a flying fuck what the bureau looks like right now.” Klaus told him and Vincent snorted. “I take it that I’m not packing my bags?”

“Even if I told you to, it is not like you would listen.” Vincent replied and Klaus silently agreed. He wasn’t leaving town until the killer was apprehended. He already lost Marcel; he could not risk losing Caroline as well. “Ms. Gilbert’s attorney arrived a little over an hour ago. She wants to talk.”

“Then why are we in here?” Klaus asked him blankly and Vincent just shot him an annoyed look; telling him that he was on thin ice. The former of the two just shot his superior an antagonizing smirk and Vincent just shook his head before standing. Klaus followed Vincent out of the office and towards the interrogation rooms at the other end of the station.

“I’m taking the lead today. Got it?” Vincent told him and Klaus just nodded before pushing open the interrogation door. Elena was seated across the table, no longer in the scrubs from the previous day but instead a pair of jeans, a tank top and her hair was combed through. Someone had provided her attorney with a change of clothes; Klaus bet it was Damon.

Klaus’s eyes turned to the other woman who was seated beside Elena. She had short brown hair that reached her chin. Even though she was seated, Klaus could tell that she was tall. She wore a tight pencil shirt and a white blouse that he was willing to bet cost more than his weekly salary. When the two of them entered, the attorney stood and held out her hand.

“Rose-Marie Porter. Ms. Gilbert’s attorney.” Both Vincent and Klaus grasped it tightly. He was impressed with her grip and how she held Klaus’s gaze without flinching. She appeared young but also very good at her job.

“Supervisory Special Agent Vincent Griffiths and this is Special Agent Klaus Mikaelson.” Vincent preformed the introductions, seating himself across from Elena and Rose-Marie. Klaus followed suit, sitting himself across from Rose-Marie but he never took his eyes off of Elena; whose gaze was still down casted towards the steel table. “I understand you want to speak with us.”

“Yes, but first I want to offer my condolences on the loss of your agent. It is a tragedy and I am sorry for it.” Neither Vincent nor Klaus moved but they both could see what she was trying to do; build repour with the agents in hopes of lessening any charges Elena may face. “I’ve advised my client of her rights and any consequences she may face if she withholds information in a federal investigation. She has decided that there is something you need to know.”

“And that is?” Vincent asked her but Elena stayed silent. They both could see her thinking and wavering back and forth between confessing and staying silent. Rose-Marie placed her hand on Elena’s forearm and whispered something to her. “Ms. Gilbert?”

“You have to understand, I didn’t realize how deep this went. I never intended for those women to die. God, I didn’t even know that anything like that was happening. When Caroline was kidnapped, I never connected the dots or thought they were connected in anyway. What Caroline suffered and is going through, and knowing I played a part in it, I’m so sorry.” Elena pleaded, looking at Klaus and for the first time since meeting her, Klaus actually believed that she was telling the truth.

“You can help Ms. Forbes by telling us what you know.” Vincent implored her but Elena was still gazing at Klaus. There were tears pooling in her eyes and he could see the genuine regret eating at her. She made so many mistakes and now she was paying the price, but Klaus was beginning to realize that while Elena was selfish, she was not a horrible person at her core.

“Please Elena. For Caroline.” Klaus implored her, his eyes burning into her. Elena was reading him in a way that Klaus didn’t realize she was capable of doing. He could tell that even after everything she had done, she still cared for Caroline; Klaus just wondered if it was enough.

“You really care about her?” Klaus did not respond, nor did he look at Vincent who he was sure was resisting the urge to groan in frustration; the news of Klaus staying with Caroline still fresh in his mind. “Good. She needs that.” Elena took a deep breath as though she was gathering her strength. “Back in November, I was asked to steal a large amount of Dilaudid from the hospital pharmacy.”

“By who?”

“My brother. Jeremy Gilbert.”

“Why?”

“After our parents died, we were in high school at the time and Jeremy went on a downward spiral. He started doing drugs and getting into a lot of trouble. My Aunt Jenna and I did everything we could to get him clean, several stunts in rehab and it worked for a while; but not until he broke up with Vicki Donovan. He found out she had cheated on him and ended it.”

“He dated Ms. Donovan?” Klaus asked, the news sounded familiar and he wondered where he had heard it before. A flash of resignation came to him and the memory of Tyler Lockwood admitting that he had sex with Vicki in high school in the Lockwood cellars. Elena nodded her head in confirmation, Klaus’s thoughts running a thousand miles per hour. “Did he tell you why he needed the Dilaudid?”

“No.” Elena replied. “Even once he stopped using, he still hung around a bad crowd. He had trouble keeping a steady job and was picked up once in Richmond for dealing. Stefan and I had to go and bail him out. We kept it quiet because we didn’t the town turning against Jeremy and keeping him from having a normal life. He made a few mistakes and paid for them. When he came back to Mystic Falls, everything seemed to get better. He started dating Anna and she was good at keeping him on the straight and narrow. He got a job at one of the warehouses just outside of town, I thought he was doing okay. I thought he had stopped associating with his old friends.”

“Until…”

“Until in November when he said he was in trouble.” Elena crossed her arms and shook her head. “He said that he was back to dealing. He promised a certain number of drugs to a dealer in Richmond but wasn’t able to come through. If he didn’t deliver the drugs, the dealer was going to kill him.”

“Did he give you a name?”

“No. He wouldn’t tell me.” Elena paused, thinking before pressing onward. “Stefan was out of town on business, so I went to Damon. Told him what was going on and Damon tried to talk some sense into Jeremy, but Jeremy wouldn’t tell him anything. Damon offered to give whoever the dealer was money instead. When Jeremy proposed this to, whomever it was, he showed up at the boarding house pretty beaten up. He said that the money would not work, that it had to be drugs. Dilaudid specifically.”

“And he did not tell you why it had to be Dilaudid or who needed it?” Vincent asked her again and Elena shook her head. Tears were falling down her face and if Marcel had not been murdered, Klaus might have felt sympathy for her. While he could appreciate the hard situation she found herself in, but she made all the wrong choices. “So, you stole the drugs from the hospital.”

“Yes.” Elena admitted. “I had hoped that I wouldn’t be caught but these things are traced heavily. I gave the drugs to Jeremy in hopes that it would make whoever was threatening him go away and it did. I think. To be honest, it wasn’t long before the hospital realized that the drugs were missing and that I took them. Damon paid the hospital off and I faced a suspension but that is it.”

“You should have lost your job, at the very least. You still might and there is a good chance you will never be able to finish your residency.” Vincent told her and Elena nodded in agreement, knowing that her future suddenly became very unclear. Klaus wondered if Vincent was going to speak with the acting DA and have charges filed against Elena, but Klaus knew that a deal most likely would be made in exchange for Elena’s cooperation and testimony at trial. While she may lose her job, she could avoid jail time if she cooperates.

“I know.” Elena looked down at her hands but seemed completely unsurprised. Her attorney did a very good job at explaining the consequences and outcomes of such an investigation. Rose-Marie leaned over and whispered something to Elena, who nodded. “A few other details you should know. I don’t know if they hold any relevancy, but I want to be fully transparent.”

“Okay. Continue.”

“I never told Stefan about any of this. Stefan travels a lot for work. He is a sales representative for a company based in Norfolk. I just told him that I had taken some time off when he came home. He didn’t question it. I also started sleeping with Damon around then.” Vincent nodded while Klaus just continued to stare at her.

“Anything else?”

“Yes. Um, that day you and your partner came to my Uncles home.” Elena looked towards Klaus and nodded in remembrance. “Anna, Jeremy’s girlfriend, had stopped by to tell me that Jeremy was freaking out. Damon had told me that you were asking about the Dilaudid and of course I started asking Anna questions. She has been skipping work and a bunch of other things because she is scared that if she leaves, Jeremy will wind up dead. I tried asking her if she knew who Jeremy gave the Dilaudid to and she says she doesn’t. That’s everything I know.”

“Now my client has been very forthcoming. She knows that her confession does not remove all forms of guilt but in hopes that her corporation will be taken into consideration if charges are pressed.” Rose-Marie interjected, and Vincent simply nodded.

“I will speak to the DA but I make no promises.” Vincent replied and Rose-Marie nodded in understanding. Vincent stood and Klaus followed suit, his mind going a mile a minute. He knew that Elena had a brother and he had heard that name somewhere before but could not place it.

“Can I go home?”

“Not yet.” Vincent told her. “But soon.” With that both Vincent and Klaus left the interrogation room, staying silent; thoughts rolling around in both their minds. Without needing to be told, Klaus rounded up a few agents while Vincent called the judge, requesting a warrant to bring in Jeremy Gilbert and to search his home. When Vincent was off the phone, he looked at Klaus. “What are you thinking?”

“I’m wondering if someone really was threatening Mr. Gilbert or if he is the killer.” Klaus mused as they climbed into the SUV; several agents heading towards their own. Vincent drove in the direction of the courthouse, to pick up the warrant that was in the process of being signed. “Seeing that the Dilaudid was still in Mystic Falls, the part about him owing a specific type of drug to a dealer in Richmond is clearly a lie but to what extent is he lying to his sister?”

“Well, we will find out.”

[biillyhargroves]

Hi there, I'd like to request a fic, please. Some post season 2 Stranger Things fic. Billy has a nasty migraine. He's trying his best to push through it on his own but is failing miserably. Steve just wants to help.

painkiller(fic requests open)

There are things that Steve has come to expect from Billy. On occasion, he gets nasty. He snarls and scowls and stomps around like the whole world’s on his shit list (and sometimes, Steve really thinks it is). When he’s drunk, he’s aggressive. A sober Billy finds fights, but when he’s drunk, he seeks them out. Steve dragged him away with raw knuckles and bloody noses and blooming bruises three or four times before he started to learn the warning signs- the puffed chest, the clenched fists, the scowl that sets on his face when he wants to pummel something (someone) into the ground. He has quiet spells, too. He can go days without saying a single word. 

Of all of Billy’s moods, these worry Steve the most. 

They are in Billy’s car, parked on the far side of quarry where no one will see them, and a song that Steve doesn’t know is pulsing through the stereo speakers. Billy sits at the wheel, his seat pushed all the way back so he can stretch his legs out, with his head leaning against the window. His sunglasses shield his eyes. On hand rests lazily on the gear shift, fingers tapping along with the bass. 

Steve has sheets of paper spread across his lap: college applications, half-filled out. He bites on the end of a pencil and tries to concentrate on the little bubbles dotting the questionnaires. Have you ever been convicted of a crime? Have you ever been suspended from an academic institution? What is your ethnicity? The words swim across the page as Steve fights to focus, but he constantly loses his place as he his gaze is drawn toward Billy. He hasn’t spoken in hours. Steve looks at his watch; Billy has barely moved in thirty minutes.

“Hey,” Steve says, and Billy jerks his head. “You okay, man?”

“Fine,” Billy grunts. His voice is low, monotonous; there’s no power behind it. Billy lets his head rest back against the window. His hand goes to his face, and though he makes it seem like he is only adjusted his glasses Steve can see him holding his breath and pinching the bridge of his nose for one, two, three, four seconds before dropping his arm and rolling his shoulders like he’s trying to loosen his muscles. His movements are slower than usual; Steve might even call them delicate.

“You sure?” Steve asks. “You look kind of pale.”

“This shithole town doesn’t get any sun,” Billy says.

Steve cannot dispute this. A chill started setting in Hawkins in early September and is not eager to let go. But still, “That’s not what I meant.” Billy says nothing. He doesn’t even humor Steve with a grunt. Steve returns to his papers, but he can’t help but watch Billy from the corner of his eye. He sees Billy move stiffly, adjusting himself in his seat. He watches him lean his seat back, cross his arms over his chest, grit his teeth for the briefest of moments. 

When Billy sits back up, he reaches for the radio and switches the dial in a direction that, up until this point, Steve didn’t think he knew it could go. The music, once swollen in the small space, shrinks down to whisper.  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Steve asks him. 

“Fuck, are you my mother?” Billy says. 

“You have a headache?” Steve asks. 

“What is wrong with you?” Billy snarls, though it loses its punch with such an even, unfettered tone. Billy puts no inflection into his words. He sounds almost robotic. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Steve presses. 

“I didn’t come out here for you to bitch at me,”

“I’m not bitching!” Steve raises his voice, and Billy flinches. It happens for a split second, but Steve sees it. Billy’s brows furrow and he scowls, his nose wrinkles and he turns his head away from Steve. It all happens at once, and Billy settles again he doesn’t relax completely. There is tension around his mouth and pulling thin lines around his eyes. “You have a headache?”  Steve guesses.

“It’s nothing,” Billy shrugs. 

“We don’t have to stay,” Steve says, “if you don’t feel good.”

“I said it’s nothing,” Billy insists. 

Steve quiets down again. He tries for a third time to focus on his college applications. He manages to fill in a few of the bubbles before Billy smacks the overhead light off. With the sun setting quickly, the following dark swallows all the words Steve wasn’t sure he was reading correctly anyway. He gathers up the papers.

“Alright,” he says. “That’s it. Get up.”

“The fuck?” Billy says. He seems genuinely startled when Steve reaches across the console for the wheel. 

“Move,” he tells Billy.

“You lose your mind, Harrington?”

“I said move,” Steve says, more aggressively this time, and he sees- beneath the sunglasses that still haven’t come off -Billy squeeze his eyes shut too long to be blinking. 

“No way in hell,” Billy says. 

“You’re telling me you can drive like this?” Steve says. When Billy says nothing, Steve yanks Billy’s sunglasses off his face. 

“Fuck!” Billy swears. He swats and Steve, narrowly missing him but issuing enough force to knock the glasses from Steve’s hands regardless. They clatter to the floor and Billy scrambles to catch them, He leans forward as he puts them back on, and his hands linger against by the bridge of his nose. His breath is angry-ragged. 

“Billy,” Steve says cautiously. His hands hover now over Billy’s back, but Billy pays him no mind. Steve sighs. He tests the waters- lights one hand on Billy’s shoulder. Billy tenses at the touch but does not pull away. “Get up. Let me drive you home.” 

“Fuck off,” Billy groans. 

“You could’ve just told me you get migraines,” Steve says. “We could’ve just stayed in. I’m cool just, like, sitting in the dark. If that’s what you need, I mean.”

“I’m fine,” Billy says.

“Drop the act, Hargrove,” Steve sighs. “I’m sick of it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Try to drive, then,” Steve relents. He leans back in the passenger seat and watches Billy gingerly push himself upright. He slides his seat back up and revs the engine. With clenched teeth, he backs the car out of its makeshift spot and edges it slowly toward the road. He is jerky, and the car is, too. “Okay,” Steve says, grabbing the wheel to steady it. “I’m not dying because you’re stubborn. Switch with me.”

“I’m-”

“-switching. Now.”

“You’re a real fucking pain, you know that?”

“Yeah, I pride myself on it. Come on. Park and get out.”

Billy puts the car in park. He sits there for a moment, and Steve is about to ask if he needs help when Billy throws open his door and slowly gets to his feet. He leans against the car for a moment, stays there even as Steve, too, gets out to take over. Steve gently guides him to the passenger seat, Billy grumbling and swearing at him the whole way.

“Call me whatever you want,” Steve says. “You’ll thank me later.”

The Hargrove house is quiet when Steve pulls up. There are no other cars in the driveway. One light is on inside, warm and yellow in Max’s window. Steve sees her peek outside; sees her shadow move out of the room. She meets them at the front door.

“I told you shouldn’t go out,” she says to Billy as Steve helps him inside. Billy is unsteady on his feet, but equally unhappy about accepting Steve’s help. He tries to get ahead of him a few times, but the spinning room and spots in front of his eyes don’t help. He is still wearing his sunglasses. He doesn’t take them off until he is in his bedroom, seated on the bed, and even then it is Steve who- gently this time -eases them off his face.

“You can tell him you told him so later, okay?” Steve says, keeping his voice low. He sets Billy’s sunglasses on the nightstand and starts to pull the covers back on Billy’s bed. “He feels like shit.”

“He’s right here,” Billy growls. 

“There’s Excedrin in the bathroom,” Max says. She matches Steve’s tone. “I’ll get it.” 

“Get him water, too,” Steve says. In Max’s absence, he manages to get Billy out of his jacket and boots. With much protesting on Billy’s part, he gets Billy to lay down, and he thanks Max when she returns. “This happen a lot?” Steve asks. He shakes a pill from the bottle and coaxes it onto Billy’s tongue, then holds the water up to Billy’s lips. Billy tries to refuse, but Steve is persistent, and Billy swallows a few gulps before Steve sets the glass down. 

“Not really,” Max shrugs. “But it’s always bad.”

“I’m guessing he doesn’t take care of it?”

“He’s still right fucking here,” Billy grumbles, and Steve gently smooths Billy’s hair back. 

“Nope,” Max says. 

“Well, I’ve got him for now,” Steve says, and when Billy seems like he’s going to quip at him, Steve shush him softly, brushing his thumb over Billy’s lips and tracing along his jaw. He backs off when Billy flinches, goes back to lightly playing with Billy’s hair. Billy huffs, but he doesn’t say a word, and he doesn’t pull away. Steve counts this a success. “When do your parents get back?” Steve asks, dropping his voice even lower as Billy’s eyelids flutter close to sleep. 

“I don’t know,” Max admits. Steve looks toward Billy’s window; if he can fit through Nancy’s second floor bedroom window, he thinks that Billy’s will be a piece of cake. 

“Can you maybe, like...I don’t know, signal me? When they get home?” Steve asks. He looks down at Billy, whose deep frown lines disturb his peace and make Steve ache at the pain Billy must be in. “I want to stay with him for a little bit.”

“Sure,” Max says. “Just, uh...keep the garbage bin by you. He throws up sometimes.”

“Max,” Billy says, annoyed and even a bit betrayed. Again, Steve softly shushes him.

“Will do,” Steve says. “Thanks.” 

Max lingers in the doorway a moment longer before backing away. She closes the door behind her, submerging Billy and Steve in darkness. Steve blinks until his eyes adjust and he moves his hand to Billy’s back, massaging small circles between Billy’s shoulder blades and down his spine.

“You okay?” he asks, though he isn’t sure that Billy is still awake. It takes a minute before Billy hums a half-response.

“Fine,” he says. Here, alone and in the dark, he finally starts to uncoil. Every little movement seems to hurt him, so he does his best to stay still and Steve, too, does his best not to jostle him. He stays close. He listens to Billy’s breath even out. 

“Hey,” Steve says, though this time he knows that Billy is asleep. There is no response from him. His features smooth minute by minute, though there is still lingering tension there. “I wouldn’t do this for just anyone, you know,” he whispers. “You’re a pain in the ass, Hargrove. But I think you’re pretty worth it.” 

[tisthenightofthewitch]

Ghost Are Shaping To Be Metal’s Next Awe-Inspiring Arena Act

From Motorhead, to Black Sabbath, and now the thrash kings, Slayer, metal is slowly losing its festival headliners, arena fillers, and most importantly its legacy acts. While it’s been a rather gradual shift, time only moves forward, and sooner or later metal will have to knight a new generation of arena and festival heavy weights. Early 2000’s bands like Slipknot, Avenged Sevenfold, and Disturbed have long demonstrated a knack for selling out arenas and filling headlining slots at festivals. However, most of these bands have rocked for nearly two decades, and it’s time for the 2010’s to showcase its respective arena acts. Currently completing their first US arena tour, Ghost are leading the charge for the next wave of arena and festival headliners.

Established in 2010 with their debut, Opus Eponymous, Ghost is quite possibly the fastest growing and most popular metal band of the decade. At first glance, the Swedish metal group embodies a very satanic aura, from their upside down crosses and the litany of demonic and catholic symbolism. While the music is the primary focus, their costumes and theatrics as a band are essential to the image and mythos they’ve established over the course of their career. They’ve even gone as far as making a web-series on their youtube channel, detailing the fictitious origins of the band and it’s current vocalist in power, Cardinal Copia. All masks and costumes aside, Tobias Forge is the creative force behind Ghost, being the band’s songwriter, lead vocalist, and founder. Tobias is actually the only known member, all the touring instrumentalists are incognito and share the stage name “Nameless Ghoul.”

As scary and sinister looking as they might be, Ghost brings one of the most melodic, catchy, and entertaining live shows in all of modern metal. Seeing them at their Hersey, PA stop was a remarkable and genuine concert experience; the crowd participation and the sheer enthusiasm that packed Giant Center arena is unrivaled by any band I’ve seen from the 2010’s. The crowd’s enthusiastic chemistry is comparative to Ghost’s onstage chemistry, with their goofy choreographed antics, and just their flawless musicianship between one another. Ghost’s stage production alone was worth an entry ticket; the cathedral-like stage spewed everything from pyro, fireworks, to a confetti filled finale. There’s something very authentic about Ghost as a band, but also as performers. They cater to several aspects of metal and rock music, but also theater in many ways, and at the end of the day Ghost is just pure entertainment, they give something for everyone to enjoy, and leave you feeling just awestruck.

Getting the chance to speak with Tobias Forge, he details the evolution of Ghost and how they got to their arena headlining status over the years.

Ghost went from opening arenas for Avenged Sevenfold in 2013, to more recently opening soccer stadiums for Metallica this summer, to now headlining your own arenas in the states, and soon to be in Europe. What’s the transition been like from opening arenas to now headlining them?

It’s been pretty gradual, over the years we’ve done support shows here and there, support tours here and there, but by the time that we headlined our first arena, which was now a few years ago, we had done quite a lot of arena shows before that, opening up. It wasn’t like a big physical shock, most bands will probably tell you that the weirdest thing about playing bigger places is usually you have to cover so much space on stage, like physically you have to. If you’re a semi-active rock band, the biggest shock from going to a club to arena or even worse, a stadium, is that all of a sudden you have so much physical ground, so much real estate to cover, which can be a shock. If you’re not used to running, and you have to run from one side to the other, and sing, that will punch you out. Gradually we’ve moved up through these venues, and on the first bit of the tour, not this tour leg, but on the tour when it started, we were doing “an evening with,” which meant we were playing two hours and forty minutes, and I definitely had a little bit of a shock over the first night like “whoa,” it was very tiring.

From an Economics, marketing, and profit standpoint, how have these aspects changed or evolved with “the ultimate tour named death?”

It’s kind of like what you’d say about bringing children up, if you have small children the problems are sort of small, and if you have older children then they are bigger. So you know back a few years when we were a band and crew in one bus, it took some time before we even had a truck. Now we’re three buses of people and six trucks, and it’s sort of the bigger the show the more it costs. That is the dynamic of every tour in the world, and the only thing that is making it harder for a band like ours is that it’s sort of new in the greater scheme of things, and in comparison to a lot of the other bands that are doing it on this level, or on an even bigger level. We are a new band that has managed to qualify into this setting, and if you look at most other very established and older artists, they charge a lot more for their tickets, a lot more than we do. That’s sort of the law of gravity and that makes it sometimes a little bit uphill, but we are fortunate to have the promoters and festivals believing in us on a worldwide basis. They believe in the idea that they need to invest in new headliners, the stars have aligned and fortunately they believe us to be one of the new ones to be able to fill that space. Just back a few years, there were several bands out there, but you know Black Sabbath is gone, and so many bands are just retiring or dying and in order to sustain these festivals they will need to invest in new bands and we’re one of them. However, you can clearly see on a festival of three days where The Scorpions are headlining one night, Kiss is headlining another night, and we are headlining a third, we are not getting paid the same as they are, of course not. The bottom line with that is we’re still looked upon and it’s expected of Ghost to deliver the same show, and that requires determination and you cannot look for economic return at this point. It’s further down the line of years and years and years of proving yourself, but that’s part of the game and that’s what I’ve been doing for almost ten years now.

You’ve stated the excitement for this tour was not only the fact Ghost would be playing arenas, but because the tour is spread across so many different markets. How has the reception been so far, in playing to these different markets, or territories that Ghost has less experience performing in?

The reception at the shows has been fantastic. Of course there are a few markets where it’s hard to expect anything because it’s in the middle of no where, and on top of that some of these shows have been on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and you can clearly see the ones that are on the weekends are doing way better. A lot these places that we’re playing are essentially in small towns, so they will have a magnetism for towns and cities around them, so people have to travel to come see it. That’s sort of the basis of that market in the first place, of course it’s a little bit sensitive if it’s a Monday or a Friday, but I must say that overall the promoter is very pleased, and we’re living up to the expectation of what a tour like this can do. That’s the point of the tour, reach out to people in territories where we haven’t really been, and having that in mind it’s been fantastic.

Have you held the idea or goal of Ghost inhabiting stadiums, or large venues since you started the band? These environments seem embedded in the very nature of Ghost’s live show.

My answer will be a little bit split between yes and no. Yes, I have always intended for my band to become a big arena headlining production value band. I always thought that Ghost as a project would be very production oriented. I never thought that Ghost would be that band, as in when I started I didn’t think that that was going to be the band that would define my entire career. However, once the first record got out and we started playing and we started touring, I had definitely put all my eggs in that basket, because I was like “this is the one that sticks, let’s just do this.” This is the one that I intuitively feel most myself, and I was gravitating towards that. Compared to all my other projects, this is the only one that I really truly understood, and could just do intuitively. I knew what to do with it, where as the other bands that I had were more of a head scratch. A lot of the ideas that I managed to either do or are still on the list with Ghost are things that are based on drawings and ideas that I had fifteen to twenty-five years ago. It’s a mixture, yes and no, I always thought I was going to work either with a band or in a band that was going to do full production touring, but I wasn’t sure it was going to be Ghost. It just happens to be two of my main interests, being in a band and writing songs, but also I’m very interesting in touring, and I’m very interested in the idea of stage design, tour design, light design, and all that. Had it not been for me being in a band, I would have gladly also done it for another band, building stage design for other bands.

Seven Inches of Satanic Panic undoubtedly has a very 60’s rock aesthetic, but specifically what bands from that era are influences to you personally?  

Ever since I was a kid my absolute biggest idols before I found extreme metal were from the sixties. It was Pink Floyd, The Doors, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, I grew up listening to that. When I was eight, my favorite band of all time was The Rolling Stones. I knew everything about them, that was my biggest obsession. The sixties in general and as music have been hugely influential for me. Ghost just happened to be a little bit more heavy metal leaning, but there’s a lot of Pink Floyd in there, and a lot of The Doors, that was the stuff I listened to when I started playing guitar. When I was in my various different bands I’ve always heard that my writing was kind of odd because I had time signatures that were strange, and a melody language that was kind of peculiar. That was because I listened to Pink Floyd and The Doors, they taught me how to just write weirdly, and it’s not as outlandish as it might seem.

Many hail Ghost for their ability to balance a sense of nostalgia whilst maintaining an original song craft and sonic perspective. What has been your process, if not organically, in achieving this balance?

I always try to remember how I felt writing the first record [Opus Eponymous], and during the recording of the record coming after that, [Infestissumam], I think I’ve managed to tap into that. Don’t misunderstand and think I try to write the same record every time, it’s quite the contrary, but having that same playful approach when it came to writing that I had back when I had nothing to lose. Opus Eponymous was written in a complete void, where there was no one involved in my writing. I was depending economically on it, I had no crowd to please, and I had no one to please with my writing except my self and a buddy of mine basically. That’s what I’m trying to do every time; try the best of my ability to stay within that, and not think too much about the fact that “this is your most important record of your career.” With that being said you have that in the back of your mind every time, but you try to even that out, and you try to be somewhat distant from that. I wanted Ghost to sound like a big band, and because I’m trying to distance myself from that, that does not mean the songs aren’t commercial or whatever. I really tried to be commercial on Opus Eponymous, it was supposed to be very very catchy. I wanted it to sound like that huge band that you had missed out on. It was supposed to be very catchy, very memorable, and very playful. It was supposed to be a band from the seventies that didn’t know what the eighties were, but was trying to shape the eighties because they knew that was coming, but they didn’t know what the eighties were.

FORBES.COM

[getoffthesoapbox]

[FMP!IV] EPs 1&2 - Alone Together at the Edge of the Abyss

Wow, talk about a suckerpunch. I recently completed a rewatch marathon of Full Metal Panic’s first three seasons to prepare myself for the Invisible Victory, and I must admit some regret that I did. These first two episodes might have been easier to bear if I hadn’t just reminded myself of the journey these characters have taken to reach this point. As it was, my heart was completely shattered after I was done watching them, and so there’s nothing to be done but to hash it all out. There is so much to work through here.

It’s not normally my style to follow anime series closely via my blog, so I’m not sure how regular I’ll be (or if this all I’ve got in me) with any posts. I’ve also never read any of the source material, and I prefer to remain spoiler free on that, which means my thoughts will be based solely in what I have already seen. I really just want to process my reaction to the episodes rather than speculate on how the story will unfold (there’s no real point in speculation for a series like this that already has completed source material). 

Raising the Stakes

With so much to unpack in these two episodes, I don’t even know where to start. I guess we’ll start general and then get into specifics, maybe. First off, I think Episode 1 of FMP:IV is probably the best episode so far in all four seasons. I cannot get over how intense and tight the writing is, and how much it manages to achieve in such a short span of time. 

FMP:TSR left us in a relatively good spot for our lead couple, Sousuke and Chidori. I should think it’d be obvious, but I’m definitely on board the S.S. SouKana and have been since day one. Anyway, TSR left us in a good spot--Sousuke had set himself apart from Mithril and had found the place for his own heart to rest: with the woman he loves and in the life he’s built with her. At the same time, TSR had hinted that Chidori’s troubles were only just beginning, with most of her plotline from TSR remaining open-ended and in a troubling state of ambivalence. However, Chidori seemed to recover once she was reunited with Sousuke, and all was forgotten. But ever since TSR ended, I’ve been hoping to see the rest of the story Leonard’s character introduction promised, and here comes IV to save the day. 

It was an absolute delight to see we were going to pick up in IV exactly where we left off in TSR. But this also makes it all the more difficult to watch what’s inevitably coming--this appears to be an arc where both Chidori and Sousuke will be sorely tested, both individually and as a couple. The first episode hammers this home from multiple angles, and all I could think as each blow hit was how much this arc is going to hurt. It’s almost one of those arcs that you might be better off watching once the fifth season has started airing, haha. I don’t have that kind of discipline though. ;)

Our villains this season feel more credible than in the past ones, and the difficulties the characters will be going through seem far more visceral and gripping and organic than in the past. That, plus this season building on the previous three, is going to make for one hell of a tough ride. It feels like we’ve leveled up a bit in maturity, and the themes the narrative’s starting to address are more what one would expect from a story with such a premise. But let me go ahead and dig into the characters, since they’re where all the gold is.

Tessa - Laying down the Law

I’ll get Tessa out of the way first since I’m not a huge fan of her character, though I definitely appreciated her more in IV’s first two episodes than I have in most of the previous seasons. Tessa’s main flaw isn’t really her fault; it’s the writer’s fault--rather than writing her as a capable commander with her own life and love interests, she gets pulled into the harem hijinks for Sousuke which are completely unnecessary given how stunted his growth is as a person. A woman of Tessa’s rank and caliber shouldn’t even notice Sousuke other than as a subordinate, and it lowers the level of the story to have her switch from capable leader into fawning schoolgirl just because Sousuke is the “lead character.” It would have been different if she wasn’t a captain and was just window dressing on the ship, but the story wants us to take her seriously despite also trying to have its cake on the side by shoving her into the “clumsy simpering rival” role. 

My frustrations with Tessa’s general direction aside, FMP:IV definitely brought out her better sides, which I sincerely appreciated. We don’t see much of her in Episode 1, but I definitely enjoyed her first scene with Leonard (Leonard brings so much to this series). The scene with her uncle when the communication channels were on the fritz was one of the most intense in the episode, and I genuinely felt like the stakes had been raised significantly and that Mithril was in deep trouble. The set up from her sections really helped set the stage for how isolated Mithril is, and how even more isolated Sousuke and Chidori are because of that. 

Episode 2 is where Tessa gets to shine, though. She’s always at her best when she’s with her crew rather than butting into Sousuke and Chidori’s storyline, and this is readily apparent when she steps in to quell a mutiny among the mercenaries. Tessa acts as a mirror for Chidori this episode--while Chidori is clearly a sheltered girl who is dealing with war for the first time, Tessa is the other side of the coin: a young woman who is further down the road of battle than Chidori is and who has seen death firsthand. For Chidori, Sousuke’s battlefields are a fantasy world she enters periodically and then returns to her daily life, but for Tessa this is daily life. And in Episode 2, we see Tessa is more than capable of handling it. She threatens the life of the mercenary who is attempting to mutiny, and her threat is credible. You really believe it that she’ll shoot him if he keeps pushing. This again mirrors Chidori’s inability to accept the war conditions breaking out in her backyard--while Chidori is unable to separate wartime behavior from peacetime behavior, Tessa is fully prepared not only to see lives be taken, but to take one if necessary. 

I’m assuming Tessa will continue to act as a mirror for Chidori as this series rolls on--Chidori’s clearly meant to confront the horrors of war, and Tessa has already come out on the other side of that confrontation. Hopefully this mirroring is used to help Chidori’s character rather than for harem hijinks (I will definitely resent it if the story tries to imply Tessa is “better” for Sousuke because she’s in the military--there is no reason a military man can’t find happiness with a civilian woman and it’s not helpful to either of the girls’ characters to use their personal tragedies as point systems for which one is “better” for the boy they both like). 

Okay that’s enough on Tessa for now. On to more important things, like Leonard. ;)

Leonard’s Arrival - Diving into the Crucible

When Leonard first appeared and showed an interest in Chidori in TSR, it felt like the real story had finally settled into place. Unlike Sousuke, Chidori is a young woman who has lived a typical life and is reacting to unusual circumstances. Leonard offers her an atypical life and the seductions that come with such a life. Sousuke, on the other hand, fights to protect the life she’s leading currently, though he’ll follow her wherever she wants to go. Because Sousuke is a character who follows rather than leads, the narrative does best when Chidori is at its center--she is a character with strong convictions who is smart and able to butt heads with the villains while also falling prey to their psychological torment. This is the stuff good story arcs are made of.

There is just so much going on in the exchange between Leonard, Sousuke, and Chidori. Leonard clearly has an interest in both characters, though for now his focus is on Chidori. Needling Sousuke is just a bonus for him at the moment. 

What I found remarkable about his scene with the two of them is how much lies in the subtext. Chidori clearly hasn’t said a word about Leonard or Leonard’s forced kiss to Sousuke, which creates a barrier between her and him that wasn’t there before, and is something Sousuke actually notices. And unlike Sousuke’s own adventures away from Chidori, this barrier will have huge ramifications because Chidori has more emotional maturity than he does. When Sousuke doesn’t talk about things, it’s merely because he interacts with the world in a factual, logical way without taking emotions into account normally; if someone doesn’t need to know something, he doesn’t tell them unless asked, and then he’s completely honest--there’s no deceit in him. Chidori does not interact with the world this way--when she hides something, it’s because she has something to conceal. And secrets are snakes in a relationship--for Chidori to have them now is the first step toward creating a fissure between her and Sousuke that can then be exploited by their enemies and rivals.

The three of them jockey around each other, with Leonard knowing the most, Chidori having the next highest amount of knowledge, and poor Sousuke knowing jack nothing about anything and trying to protect Chidori anyway. This, unfortunately, allows Leonard to run circles around him. Leonard baits Sousuke into attacking him in order to make a point about the magnitude of the power difference between them. But the target of his psychological attacks is Chidori, with Sousuke as a side effect. 

Leonard is definitely Chidori’s villain, though likely she won’t get to defeat him. The scene sets up the conflict between them, and the temptation for Chidori. Leonard views himself as an “elite,” and he thinks Chidori (and likely his sister) should join him in that view. He tempts Chidori to switch her view of the people she loves and lives with every day from acceptance and appreciation to looking down on them. Chidori is likely going to be sorely tested by this, even if she’s firm in her dedication to viewing the people around her as worthwhile--her abilities and powers are growing at an alarming rate, and even if she doesn’t want to become separated from those she loves, a separation will likely occur if the growth continues. It reminds me a bit of Flowers for Algernon’s premise, where the more intelligent the experiment makes the main character, the further away from the people he cares about he grows. Chidori’s going to face a similar challenge here. 

But Leonard doesn’t stop with just tempting Chidori--he throws everything and the kitchen sink at her in order to get her. First he attempts to blackmail her (and this will be what works in the end)--he warns her that if she doesn’t come to his side willingly, the town she loves will suffer for it. Then he attempts to create a false intimacy with her by reminding her of the forced kiss, which will have the additional effect of widening the growing fissure between her and Sousuke. Isolating her from the people she cares about is likely going to be a key tactic of Leonard’s--if Chidori becomes dependent on him as the only one who can comfort and protect her, she will have to come to his side by default. If he can put enough doubt in her heart about Sousuke, he’s won half the battle. To accomplish this, he throws out one last barb. To a casual viewer, it might seem that he’s doing this for Sousuke’s sake, but given the staging of the scene--Chidori is the one who’s reactions are highlighted first--it’s clear these barbs are meant for her. He flat out taunts Sousuke about how unfair it is that he’s killed nearly a hundred people and is here living freely. This certainly will be something that haunts Sousuke’s character during this arc, I’m sure, but what’s really going to hurt Sousuke is what this knowledge is going to do to Chidori’s view of him. Chidori’s love and acceptance is what’s being tested here, not Sousuke’s “right” to live freely. If Leonard can get her to doubt Sousuke, he can worm his way in. Needling Sousuke and getting Sousuke to doubt himself is just an added bonus--it’s not the goal as far as I can tell.

Either way, I love what Leonard brings to the table and I’m so excited to see how everything plays out (even though I know it’s going to hurt). 

Sousuke - Navigating “Normal”

Sousuke’s got several challenges coming his way in this new arc of the story. His character has grown in leaps and bounds since the beginning--he’s found his place in life, he’s found a woman he wants to protect, and he’s decided where he wants to be for now. This is all wonderful development, but a new test must always arise. The new test comes in the form of how committed he is to his new growth, and whether he’ll slip back into old habits.

The former student council president neatly summarizes what I think is Sousuke’s new trajectory, as well as the key points of conflict that will arise for him. The ex-pres points out that Sousuke himself is in a good place, and is well on track to learning how to live a normal civilian life. The problem is the woman he has chosen for himself eventually won’t be able to fit into that civilian life, because her abilities are anything but normal. Sousuke’s challenges in this arc are going to be how to merge his violent past with his peaceful present and make the most of it while still being able to protect the woman he loves and help tether her to the normal civilian life they both want. 

The problem is, of course, that their relationship is going to fracture because of the challenges she’s going to be facing, which will make it harder for Sousuke to reach her, since he hasn’t fully leveled up in emotional maturity yet. Navigating the difficult minefield of psychological trauma and damage is a new challenge for Sousuke, and this is going to be one he needs to learn a bit of finesse in order to get right. 

On top of what the ex-pres brought up, we also have Sousuke’s past coming back to haunt him, but in an unexpected way--Sousuke’s ease with war and with killing is going to form a barrier between Chidori and himself, especially when Chidori’s personal life is thrown into upheaval because of it. In his conversation with the ex-pres, the specter of Sousuke leaving Chidori is brought up again. Now, we’ve already dealt with this from Sousuke’s end--when ordered to leave her, he did, and he regretted it bitterly. But this will be a different kind of separation--this will be Sousuke choosing to leave despite wanting to stay with every fiber of his being, for Chidori’s sake. If a new separation occurs, it will because Chidori either wants it or Sousuke senses it would be best for her mental state. This is yet another test he’ll have to overcome, because ultimately they both love each other and they should work through their problems rather than running from each other. 

The ex-pres’s “waystation” idea is probably going to be important because of this separation--when Sousuke decides to let Chidori go (for her sake), it will be because he has faith they’ll be reunited later. He’s going to bet on the waystation idea to allow her to regain equilibrium. However, this is going to backfire, because school is the waystation--not their relationship.

Chidori - Awakening

I am so excited about the focus on Chidori this season that I can’t even contain my enthusiasm. TSR was such a disappointment because Chidori wasn’t as involved (the ex-pres is right, this story is at its best when she’s at the center of everything ;D), so it’s an absolute delight to have her taking center stage for IV. 

Just like last arc was Sousuke’s growth arc, it is now Chidori’s turn. There is a lot of ground to cover with her. First, she’s going to have to grapple with her abilities and her reality as a Whispered. She’s going to have to deal with the fact that, as Leonard says, she is “special” and with that status comes certain perks as well as significant drawbacks. Chidori’s been in denial about how special she is ever since the story started, and now is the time for her to come to terms with what that means and what she needs to do about it. 

As if that wasn’t enough of a challenge, she also is being targeted and is at the center of why her normal life is about to explode. This kind of pressure is going to make her question whether or not she has any right to a normal life, especially when it results in harming so many people. We already see hints of this in Episode 2--after her brave denouncement of Leonard, she begins cracking immediately when she sees the results of her declaration: everyday normal people are now being involved in the terrorist battles between her side and Amalgam, and beyond that, her home and the places she’s lived near all her life are turning into a war zone because of her. People are going to die because she wouldn’t play along with Leonard. This is a huge burden for her to carry, and something she hasn’t had to face before because most of the kidnappings were child’s play in comparison to what Leonard and the other Amalgam members have cooked up this time. 

On top of this, she’s taking a second look at Sousuke. This is important for her to do in general anyway--before now, she hasn’t really “seen” Sousuke or tried to understand him. She doesn’t know his past, or what he’s done, or anything about him, really, other than the fact that he barged into her life and became dear to her through his ridiculous antics. Whenever she was in tough spots in earlier episodes in the previous three series, Sousuke was always her rescuer and her somewhat dense and oblivious crush. But now she’s going to see him with fresh eyes--Sousuke is not just a nice young man who likes guns, he’s a soldier who is desensitized to death and holds the lives of people he doesn’t know as lower than the lives of people he does know. This becomes readily apparent in Episode 2, when Sousuke drags Chidori away from the injured man in order to protect her, yet leaving the man prone with no one to call for help. With Chidori’s friends in danger in Episode 3, likely this will become more pronounced because Chidori will want to sacrifice herself to save her friends while Sousuke will want to sacrifice her friends to save her. She’s going to have to take a step back and reconsider him as a partner and as a love interest, because his values are a complete 180 from hers, and this is something she’s never truly grappled with before. 

Her arc is going to be so painful, but I care not. Bring it on anyway, show! 

Chidori & Sousuke - Love Blooming in Adversity

Anytime you get this much romance at the start of a series, you know you’re in for a world of hurt. These two are so sweet they make my teeth stand on edge. I’ve got to take the time to gush over the good stuff and why it’s so important for us to see this before shit hits the fan.

Sousuke and Chidori are in a new place after TSR--Sousuke has realized that Chidori is the one he loves, and they’ve come to terms with each other, even if it’s still unspoken. In IV, after mulling over the ex-pres’s parting words, Sousuke takes a huge step forward and asks Chidori to hold hands. This embarrasses both of them, but the whole scene is so freaking endearing because despite the embarrassment, neither of them wants to stop holding hands. Ugh. Kill me now. It’s too cute for this world. What I love about it too is that even though Sousuke’s not all that experienced as a lover, he’s firm and assertive at exactly the right moments. Boy’s got great instincts. 

The mood in the hand holding scene is clearly meant to lead to something more, especially given the UST in the elevator. They’re both adorably determined to see this thing through to its logical conclusion, and their similar wavelengths are utterly precious. These are reminders that these two, when they’re on the same page, are utterly unstoppable in whatever they decide to do. It also will make the story all the more heartbreaking when the inevitable fissure erupts between them. 

Sousuke’s little smile when he and Chidori link hands again, and Chidori’s responding glance are just HNNNNNGGGGG. I can’t even describe it, it makes me so happy. I just adore how clearly in love with Chidori Sousuke is. This is ridiculously rare for shounen-based stories, and it makes my heart soar. I also love how honest and assertive Chidori is; she’s a girl who knows what she wants and doesn’t have to pretend she doesn’t. She’s also got this wonderfully coy, assertive, muted sexiness that is so refreshing. 

Unfortunately, their date is canceled thanks to Leonard. When we see them again next, they’re in stakeout mode. This scene is heartwrenching in so many ways. We get to see how compatible they are as a functioning couple here. Chidori worries about Sousuke not sleeping and scolds him. Sousuke’s body language here is quite interesting--he looks away from her and doesn’t meet her eyes. Obviously part of this is due to him keeping an eye out for enemies, but some of it (perhaps unconsciously) is avoidance because he knows this isn’t a situation she wanted and he knows he’s pushing himself and that she won’t like that. 

Sousuke tells Chidori she’ll be safe once she’s squirreled away at Merida Island. Chidori’s first thought is whether they’ll be able to return home once the coast is clear. Sousuke clearly fears this won’t be possible, due to his own past with protecting the Whispered candidates before Chidori as well as due to the past incidents with Chidori herself. They argue a bit about her abilities, and it’s easy to see their mutual fears coming out here: he is afraid she will continue to be in danger no matter what they do, and she is afraid that her abilities will make her lose all she loves. 

What I love about this scene is Sousuke admitting that they can’t rely entirely on Mithril, because Mithril’s goals are antithetical to their own. He gives Chidori’s concerns and fears and desires full credit, which is utterly adorable. He doesn’t dismiss her wishes as silly or childish; he wants to find a way to grant them. When she complains about wanting to keep her life the way it is, he actually reassures her that he knows how important her current lifestyle is to her and that he feels the same as she does. It’s honestly utterly refreshing to see a couple in a story have a functional conversation like this, even while they’re both holding their own secret thoughts and fears, without the typical ridiculous misunderstandings these stories usually rely on. 

And at the end he almost asks her to run away with him. This is what really breaks my heart. He wanted to run away with her, this practical dense boy was able to come up with such a stupidly romantic, idiotic plan because he loves this girl too much to let her get swallowed up by Mithril or Amalgam or some other organization. She means so much to him, and he’s will to sacrifice whatever it takes to help her go wherever she wants to go. 

But even though he’s at this point, she’s not where he is yet. She needs to come to terms with him first, before they can reach a stage where they can take on the world and its systems together. 

Chidori & Sousuke - Comforting Banter

The comedy between these two has leveled up in IV. It used to be the comedy between them was just Sousuke doing something stupid and Chidori smacking him, but thanks to their relationship developing, we’re now at a point where slapstick isn’t necessary because their banter more than makes up for it. 

In Episode 1, when they’re walking home together and Sousuke just keeps saying “Yeah” when Chidori’s telling her story about Shiori’s latest boyfriend hijinks. It’s a classic bored boyfriend trope, and for Sousuke to display it is utterly adorable. (Of course, he’s not bored--he’s lost in thought, but the comedic timing is still there.) Chidori gets mad at him and tries to dig for what’s bothering him, but he shuts her down. 

There’s another cute little moment at the end of the episode when they’re in the car where Chidori makes fun of his rations. He’s so practical when he tells her to just deal with it. Their banter here makes them seem just like a fond married couple. She’s fondly exasperated while he’s stubborn and no-nonsense. It’s too cute for words.

The last moment before shit hits the fan is the great moment in Episode 2 after Sousuke crashes their car. He pulls Chidori out of the wreckage, and the two of them take cover behind another car. Chidori complains good-naturedly that she’s never going to let him drive her anywhere again. And Sousuke, rather than getting offended, immediately contradicts her and says that whether she likes it or not he’s going to be driving her if its for her protection. He’s not even going to humor her on this one, it’s so cute. 

These little scenes demonstrate the remarkable sync between these two characters, and the perfect ebb and flow of their dynamic. I’m endlessly amazed by how naturally they fit together, despite how different they are, and the many sides they bring out in each other. They really are a couple that embodies both the romantic ideal of love and the more practical idea of love--even in the midst of a “destined” romance where they understand each other without words, they still find ways to push each other and grow into better versions of themselves together. 

I think it’s so important that the story highlight these aspects of them in the first two episodes, because likely their relationship is going to be tested harshly in the coming episodes, and we’re going to need these reminders that they do have what it takes to make it through the storm. 

Chidori & Sousuke - Cracking Under Pressure

Unfortunately, despite all the reminders of how wonderful this couple is when they’re working together, all the flags are pointing toward them falling apart for a while. There’s still some more growth left to be done, and it’s mostly going to be on Chidori’s end this time. Her unfinished business from TSR is about to break out into the open. 

Chidori still hasn’t dealt with Sousuke abandoning her in TSR and what that meant for her. Sousuke clearly still doesn’t know what she went through while he was gone, and that’s going to be a pendulum blade above their relationship until it’s out in the open and resolved. 

Leonard’s appearance sets the stage for the faultlines to shift in their relationship. His appearance brings up not only the unspoken scene from TSR, but it also carries a reminder that Sousuke is not what he appears to be. This reminder is something that clearly hangs over Chidori for the remaining screentime of the first two episodes. We don’t see it unfold much in Episode 1, but a little hint of it is there: after Leonard leaves, Chidori begins trembling in the aftermath of the shock of seeing Leonard again. Sousuke attempts to comfort her by putting a hand on her shoulder, and she jerks away from him violently, something she never does. It’s a clear sign that the pain and hurt he caused her in TSR and the fears that grew within her during the time when he abandoned her have not been resolved. Deep inside her, she still feels she can’t rely on him for help. It’s easy to forget that in TSR, when she called Sousuke’s name to save her, it wasn’t Sousuke who answered her call--it was Leonard. And Leonard answered with death, bringing death into her life in a way it hadn’t been before. This is something she is going to have to grapple with, and something that’s going to be between her and Sousuke until it’s addressed.

Episode 2 establishes some new fissures forming between them. First, during the car chase, Sousuke is struggling to keep them alive during their fight with the Alastors. Chidori offers to take the gunner position to help him, but Sousuke fiercely refuses with uncharacteristic force. Chidori of course is confused by his vehemence, but it’s easy to see that he wants to protect her from the other side of killing--once that line is crossed, the psychological damage is permanent. So Sousuke’s motivation of keeping Chidori free of war and innocent of its effects forms another wall between the two of them. He wants to be the one who takes on all the burden of war, leaving her helpless and bereft in a misguided wish to protect her from what she can’t escape. 

The next crack forms when they’re escaping, and Sousuke opens fire in the middle of an intersection after they nearly escape death by car crash, traumatizing a group of local citizens who tried to help them. Chidori’s breakdown over Sousuke’s inability to value any life above hers begins at this point and continues when a cyclist gets caught in the crossfire between Sousuke and the Alastor. Chidori’s first instinct is to help the man, but Sousuke can’t allow them to rest because they’re still being pursued. Although Sousuke’s reaction is correct in this situation (Chidori standing around is just going to make wherever she’s standing a war zone), because he doesn’t explain to her that moving will help the man more than staying, she begins to have an emotional breakdown because the norms she’s used to are being thrown out the window left and right. 

When Gebo 9 arrives at last and takes out some of their pursuers, instead of feeling relieved, Chidori is dismayed. Sousuke, of course, is pleased to see the danger being taken down, and though this is how he’s always been, Chidori is now looking at him with a fresh perspective and is horrified by what she sees. She interprets his smile as delight in their enemies’ deaths, when really it’s just that he’s seen so much death and has lived through so many life-or-death battles that for him the loss of life is nothing compared to protecting the woman at his side. By the time Sousuke boards Al, Chidori can no longer process the war zone her life has become and has a complete breakdown. Even though she’s seen Sousuke fight armored mechs before, she’s never seen him fight people before (despite this being something he’s always done, as a soldier), and the sheer amount of killing she’s been exposed to in the span of what is probably only a few hours on top of seeing Sousuke in his natural element is too much for her to take in. She understandably flips out.

Even with all of this, I do believe she could have overcome her initial concerns if she’d been given space to breathe and think things through with Sousuke. Sousuke doesn’t blame her for freaking out or being distraught over the situation--this was something he’s been trying to protect her from seeing, because he knows firsthand how hard being in the midst of war is. But unfortunately we start to see the beginning of Chidori believing she’s responsible for everything and that if she’d only just done what Leonard asked her to, none of this would have happened. The ending of Episode 2 only serves to highlight that point--now those nearest and dearest to her have been caught up in mix. The pressure’s intense, and Chidori is cracking. 

Sousuke’s not going to be able to help her through this before she makes a drastic decision, and after that, it’s anyone’s guess (other than those who’ve read the source material of course) how they’re going to be able to fix what’s about to break. 

Whelp, guess we’ll find out in a few hours when the next episode is released, haha. That’s what I get for being slow on this one. ;) I do want to say, though, the opening and ending visuals are heartbreaking and gorgeous and I cannot wait to see everything they’re hinting at unfold. This is going to be fun (I hope). ;)

Until next time!

[exspirience]

journal - 4th of march 2018

i watched some of spoonofconsciousness’ amazing videos about the matrix, all the perceived restrictions society has placed on us to keep us looking outward instead of in, where the truth lies. it encouraged me to keep looking in on myself to find answers, and i will do this through continued meditation. i then watched a few videos where he interviewed other spiritual people, and it was so reassuring to hear them use all the exact phrases and concepts i came to adopt through my scientific research and by looking into myself for the logical truth - dimensions, higher selves, geometry, cycles of experience, the all that is, the multiverse and the omniverse. it seems that whenever i start to doubt the existence of these things and fear i’m just deluding myself into some mystical fantasy to make my life more interesting, the universe finds a way to say that, no: other people know of this too, they have for thousands of years, this is all so very, very real. i will try to strengthen my faith.

yesterday i watched another episode of tribe by bruce parry and saw the suffering of natives who are being forced to give up their bond with nature’s spirits for promise of better healthcare, only for diseases given to them by loggers and invaders. i so wish i could go back to when times were better and we were happy and grateul and loving and so much closer to the oneness, but i know that’s not the existence i’m meant for at this moment, and that some day, in another life, i’ll be able to return to the home i long for. it’s just not my time yet. i need to accept and love how things are now, an idea the universe has been trying to guide me to for some time - loving everything that is, how it is, and having no desire to change it. 

this is hard for me, because i know how things should be if we are to be happy, and i so desperately want to share that knowledge with the world to help guide people back to peace.

i was guided to a very much needed post in the spirituality tag, reminding me that, while i see the truths behind our reality, i am only one pair of eyes, with only one fragment of the answer, and that every single other person on this planet, no matter what stage of awakening they are at, holds within them another piece of the puzzle. many of my wise ancestors have come to realize their fragments in the distant past, many of my peers are doing so today, and many of my descendants will do so in the future.

i was also reminded by spoonfulofconsciousness that everyone awakens at their own pace, and by a post from a spiritual blog i follow that any change that occurs under influence cannot be considered pure and truthful change. i have heard that some people are alive today to spend their whole lives asleep, and that the karmic lessons they gain from these experiences are exactly what will lead them to enlightenment whenever it is their time.

this makes me wonder: is pursuing my goal of writing a book to help guide people to the truth what i’m meant to be doing? is it my life’s purpose, as i’ve been thinking for weeks? i don’t want to follow the wrong path and initiate change where it isn’t meant to happen, but i don’t want to sit by idly if i could genuinely help us along the right path by communicating my ideas to the world. i know that the greatest gift i can give to the world is my own spiritual awakening and healing, and that this is what i should prioritize, but if i could do more good for the world than that, i would want to. 

i suppose it all comes down to whether it is my purpose or not, and at the moment i don’t know what is. i plan to reach out to a spiritual teacher for advice or a trustworthy reading, but i know ultimately it is my own question to answer.

however, acknowledging that my spiritual journey should be my priority has brought up some new concerns. i’m more than aware that i am in a significantly unsuitable environment for such indepth introspective thinking. i live with the constant, looming presence of my parents, very judgemental people who at this point would never accept or understand anything i was going through. this prevents me from expressing myself how i’d truly like to - i am always having to duck and dodge away from them, and have to wait until late in the night to smoke and meditate. 

on top of that, their behaviours can be very destructive; my mother spends our money on things we don’t need - new bathroom tiles, new clothes, new handbags, a new couch, instead of food or a functioning dishwasher. she also has emotional problems rooted in her childhood that she chooses to take out on every member of the family, especially my poor father who takes the blow for each of her mistakes. even so, i am working on removing my judgement for her and even eventually forgiving her, but i cannot ignore the disruptive energy and unbalance she is bringing to this household. i previously tried to fight against her impact with aggression, which ultimately almost destroyed my parents’ marriage - i wish she would just take responsibility for her actions and acknowledge the effect she is having on all of us. it feels like a fight i just can’t win.

i also have some personal greivances with my parents - a strange sense of stubbornness stemming from my childhood and all throughout my life, where i feel i have to prove myself to them - prove i am who i say i am, that this is my personality, my identity, and that i will not back down from it or ever let them have the last word. unraveling this, coming to peace with it, forgiving myself and opening up to them even when they do not to me will be one of the bigger milestones in my journey, and will serve me greatly as it is such a personal and intimate source of conflict. opening my heart to people i’ve been psychologically battling with my entire life is a frightening thought, but one i know i must tackle thoroughly sooner or later.

another challenge is that i also have a close bond with my younger brother - a young boy who spends all of his time obsessively gaming and distracting himself, keeping up with every social trend imaginable. he constantly begs me for money to upgrade something as insignificant as his gaming setup, because he has been told that this is what will make him happy, and persistently begs for new video games to play with me. he is so overwhelmingly in touch with current societal culture, that he ends up drawing me in to it - forcing me to readopt the ego i’m so desperately trying to rid myself of, putting on the mask of my personality again and indulging in his futile distractions for hours and hours of my day, sometimes for entire days at a time. 

additionally, he becomes very upset when i do not spend time with him - he has plenty of school and online friends but doesn’t usually hang out with anyone in person, i am essentially his best friend and his only source of company when he is at home. this means that whenever i decide to take a day to meditate on myself and explore the knowledge that awaits me, i both have to suffer through him intermediately barging into my room and demanding my presence, and then i must turn him down and nurse him so he isn’t upset by it. and even after that, he makes me swear to spend time with him the next day to make up for it.

i so very deeply need time to myself in this step of my journey - time to abandon the persona i put on when i’m around other people and focus on only behaving according to the voice in my mind, and then challenging problematic and restricting parts of said mind to fully dissolve my ego and open myself up to love. it’s like i’m living a double life - a witty, sarcastic, fun loving fellow people know as alex, and a deep, sorrowful, grateful and kind soul who only wishes to overcome the boundaries it has set up for itself to prevent it from being who it truly is, the person who will add love to the world simply by being. i feel so torn, not wanting to disappoint my brother but also being unable to stay away from my calling.

at the moment, my best solution to this is to adjust my sleep time table so that i sleep through the day when the others are awake, and to wake during the night to exist only as me, completely alone in my room, so that i have the quiet time i need to fully immerse myself into my true form, my soul. when i am in this state, that i accomplish through meditation, sometimes combined with smoking and a ceremony, i can feel my ego physically eroding away - dissolving into nothingness, leaving only my core being behind. i feel otherworldly, i understand every thought and feeling i have, i know exactly who i am, where i came from and how i got here. waking up the following afternoon is so incredibly jarring, being forced to take on the role of alex once again... sometimes i feel like i’m just leading a fake life, which, essentially i am, but because it fits so naturally with the constructed world around me, it’s the path i so often find myself taking.

what i really, truly need in order to nurture my spiritual soul is a long, isolated period of time, time for me to cast aside the briefly satisfying distractions and the everweighing obligations that do nothing but hold me back from achieving my life’s purpose. and while it is stressful that i cannot yet be in that environment, i must remain diligent, calm and patient, and know that better times are coming, so there is no reason to resent the now. still though, i can’t help but long for a better time, a better place - but longing will do nothing on its own, and stressing will only detriment that journey. i must work with what i have each and every day, constantly taking steps towards my goal and living in the now. this is what i must meditate on and put into practice if i am to live a happy life and reach my goal.

[podcake]

Podcasts & Style/Substance

I must share to you readers that I am in the middle of a very much expected but somewhat rough decision at the moment. After about six or more years of having the same black Toshiba laptop that has stored information from middle school crossover fanfiction to job resumes to questionable png files, I’m afraid it has officially kicked the bucket or at least fallen into some kind of cybernetic limbo. 

After one faithful day when it gave itself one less kick to grant me the privilege of finishing Miss Koboyashi’s Dragon Maid and was forced onto an infinite black screen for all eternity, it dawned on me that my little pal that has been my partner in blogging for years just couldn’t pull through the strength anymore. 

It was an old, busted thing by now-touch pad now replaced by a wireless mouse, brown-gray dust permanently caked onto the screen and in between the keyboard from lord knows wear, a severe lag that regularly musters an effort to keep my video files and word documents secure as I mindlessly surf the internet, and a battery that kept my computer at a pathetic half way point that threatened to undo all of my current progress if a passing dog were to trip the wire at the slightest. 

Little Tobi (as I called them) was a good friend and I will dearly miss them and the disposable information I will lose from letting it rot in the bottom of my bed for now. I write this now from my mother’s laptop as I secretly plan out my next move. 

The likely preceding from here is that I have plans to buy a new laptop to continue my work, to which you are entirely right. I am already aware that the simple black Toshiba with its decent screen size and functional keyboard are all I need for a few extra years of blogging and book pitches, but it’s so…boring. 

Beyond my desktop customization, there’s not much to old Tobi that really sparked the imagination of what kind of person I am and what business I have with a laptop from the get-go. To any passerby I could easily be an accountant or an overworked college student grinding through an essay. 

It’s a bland but perfectly usable piece of machinery that has done me no wrong for years, and yet I find myself eager to pursue something different. Something more pink.

I am set for my next laptop to be a pink one and my itchy buying finger might just make that happen before the summer ends. And my strong, personal desire for every item within my reach to be pink-or something related to pink-tends to skew my idea about features and actual quality. 

My sights have been set on a smaller computer with less memory and detachable keyboard for about a week and I am so very close to just finalizing the deal without anyone else’s input because…it’s pink. And I like pink.

This got me thinking about how we as content creators and consumers tend to be divided over what we perceive as genuine quality in our media. Specifically targeting podcasts, I do believe the concept of style and substance is a very common recurrence we come across and I have mentioned it at least vaguely in most of my reviews and other articles. 

The term “style vs substance” tends to have a fairly flexible meaning behind it that can pertain to multiple aspects at once. This contrast can come to mind when dealing with everyday obstacles and personal preferences over pretty much anything, though let’s talk about how it pertains to audio fiction since I know that’s what you’re here for.

Substance has to mainly deal with the idea of something’s overall depth and purpose. Substance aims to tell you one thing or multiple things and provide it in such a way that the idea can’t be muddled or misinterpreted. Be it an Aesop or a specific type of theme or message, substance is meant to leave an impression in more of the practical variety.

Style is much different. Style can be easily defined as to how something is done or presented in a way that is distinctly unique. Style aims to be eye-catching, interesting, or to generally appeal to a certain type of aesthetic choice. It wants to look good or cool or scary or weird and will go by any stretch of the imagination to fulfill that.

A story that relies too heavily on substance will certainly have a focal point and a clear narrative that is easy to digest, but it will be at the risk of being unremarkable. It will not stick with a listener if an audio drama has a very clean cut story and characters that all fit predetermined roles but no real flair of individuality that makes its whole plot really ring any bells besides the ones set to a very specific tune. 

On the flip side of this coin, too much style can provide an entirely different dilemma. This creates the situation in a which a show is rich in pretty little details and nice music and the occasional wit, but it will ultimately be as compelling as a screensaver. These stories don’t exist in the realm of being genuinely deep or progressive but rather to just to give off a unique vibe, which can make it rather hollow in everything else. 

In my last article, I did go on about my irritation with podcasts that don’t cater to a story and care more about being quirky for quirky’s sake, namely about the over saturation of the “fake radio show” format that is hopefully being reworked by The Bridge as we speak, but that’s a topic I’ve ragged on enough one March ago.

And despite this, I am lucky enough to be invested in a type of medium that seems to have this style and substance balance pretty well figured out. 

Not everyone is a winner in this department, though I am confident in my belief that many podcast writers know that their vision is not complete without a purpose and that this purpose can stay relevant with just the right amount of tasteful flourish. 

As this is a fairly open-ended topic, there is more than one way to manage this balance. For example, I believe a show is capable of being more heavy on substance while still having a style because the aesthetic of choice was minimalist to begin with. Titles that comes to mind is The Bright Sessions, Wolf 359, and the newest show I’ve gotten around to simply titled OAKPODCAST. 

I won’t go into much detail about each one though all of them do cater more to providing substance over style in a way that works. They are known best for their character focus, engaging dialogue and some occasional thoughtful narration, and mostly realistic portrayal of its setting even though they will occasionally lean heavily on otherworldly elements to show the setting is not as normal as it appears. 

These shows are abundant in the substance category because its ideas are meant to be narrowed down to a few very specific idea pertaining to whatever arc or character they may focusing on. And yet they are still memorable because they exist in a world that is just different enough from our own that we’d like to learn more about it.

Shows that play more into style than substance can be equally engaging. Ones that come to mind are Hadron Gospel Hour and The Meat Blockade, two very different shows that are dedicated to strong stylistic choices that don’t interfere with its narrative. 

Be it Gospel Hour with its love for dimensional travel and ideas directly inspired from seventies and eighties pop culture or The Meat Blockade’s ideas drawn from the likes of Kafkaesque and surreal humor and just the right touch of Broadway, it’s clear where the focus is meant to be without it being a deal breaker on where the story lies in all this. Thus the strange decisions work as a service to the story rather than it being treated as a lesser priority. 

Going back to the Broadway thing, I wasn’t kidding. The Meat Blockade has an entire, roughly four minute segment in their fifth episode where a group of anthropomorphic frogs break out in a music number…and it works really well because it’s ultimately an exposition song that describes their current situation, the hidden lore about the setting, some hints of foreshadow, and nicely transitions into the next scene and leaves on a cliff hanger for episode six.

It’s such a strange choice editing and writing wise and I’m choosing to provide this as an example because it’s a damn excellent way to establish creativity and tasteful zaniness that still works to inform.

But it is also possible to have a fifty-fifty situation going on where the style and the substance coexist so well that one cannot exist without the other.

Our Fair City comes to mind where it’s richly described dystopian world and unique characters are used to explore more in-depth themes and still have one single tale to tell, or, multiple branching tales. 

The same can apply to Greater Boston with just a touch more realism thrown into the mix, creating a fairly stylish and satisfying audio drama about life in a fictionalized version of a real city.

The key here is that the world and its rules play a part in why the characters act the way they do which lets it be equal parts distinct and fulfilling as a story.

Without these aesthetic decisions in mind, some of these shows simply wouldn’t be what they are while the same can apply the substance latent shows who wouldn’t be the same without their choice of character interaction and treatment of specific themes. 

Some are far more likely to lean more towards one than the other but that’s because it’s not a necessity for The Bright Sessions to have a jazzy backtrack and it’s not expected for The Meat Blockade to have a long and detailed monologue about Berenger’s relationship with his girlfriend. 

But that’s the interesting thing about the style and substance equation-it can be switched around as many times as necessary to fit a story’s current narrative. Maybe one day we learn the tragic backstory of a single gag character, maybe one day there will be a stretch of retro-funk music played over a straight faced hero’s inner thoughts. 

It’s when these ideas are of service to the stakes and a characters’ all around presence that the script can be flipped and deliver a much needed change of tone that keeps the listener on their toes.

This won’t only be impressive on a sound design and editing standpoint, but also establish some diversity in the writing style to keep the story varied and interesting. 

Whatever the balance may be, it must be one that lets the story flourish in a way that feels authentic and natural. A concept is only as strong as the effort going into it. 

Don’t allow a story to be expressed in a distinct way then it won’t be remembered but let flair and pizzazz be too much of a focus and your final product will come off as meaningless fluff. 

Let your world building and natural need for sparkle be the thing that draws in the viewer rather than isolate them from the goings on of what is especially important. 

Don’t let characters fade into oblivion from a need to make a story easy to understand, let them be factors and active players, not mouthpieces and exposition machines. 

And if one certain element speaks to your project more than the other, that is entirely understandable. Certain plots are better seen through a substance perspective than a stylish one and some ideas are best seen with stylish decisions being a priority with substance being a smaller part of the equation.

I suppose you could say it’s less a case of style vs substance than it is style/substance or substance/style-it’s a balancing act that comes with compromise and patience rather, not just a case of right and wrong.

So thus my decision about what new laptop I should get to replace my old one is less a choice of a functional laptop or a pink laptop, but rather settling on a functional pink laptop.

[omgwritersblock]

A Day in the Woods

Prompt: Start your story with a sentence that is genuinely happy and upbeat, no double meanings. End it with the same sentence, but this time it's chilling, dark, horrifying, etc. (Prompt Credit: @writing-prompt-s)

Written by: @omgwritersblock

Edited by: @just-netflixing

Word Count: 2,211

It's lovely weather to go hiking in the forest today.

My husband is eager to use this weather to his advantage. "C'mon! Do you want to get there before the sun rises or not?" my husband asks.

I pant in response to the question. He chuckles and teases, "I think the high elevation is getting to you, honey." I glare at him as he reaches out his hand, but I take it anyway. We continue on our early morning hike in the woods. The pine trees rustle in the slight breeze, and the air is crisp and clean. I breathe in the cool, fresh air, trying to savor its unpolluted quality. I take in my surroundings while my husband marches ahead with determination. He holds my hand as we move along to our special camping spot.

We walk in peace for a long while, until we finally reach our spot. The sun's rays have brushed the horizon, and the sky is a painting with long strokes of pink and lavender.

 "It's beautiful," I breathe out, awed by the majesty of it all.

 "Yeah," my husband agrees, "but not as beautiful as you."

 He shoots me a cheesy grin while I roll my eyes. He pulls me in for a short kiss, and I hold him close. After a few moments of intimate silence, we decide to set up our little campsite for the day.

 ~

 "What a fantastic day!" my husband exclaims. "We hiked some and got to enjoy the sunrise. We trekked through the forest a bit. Oh! Did you see the rare bird that was in our handbook?" He rambles on, and I beam as he continues to spout off facts about the fauna of the forest. The sun starts to set as we walk back to the rest stop. The light paints the clouds gold and orange, quite the contrast from the pink and purple from the morning. A chilly wind churns the air and makes me shiver. Still, I ignore the sudden change in the weather and reminisce about today with my husband.

 We've been walking for about thirty minutes when the light begins to fade. The wind picks up, ripping strands of hair from my ponytail. Clouds have started to block out what little light remains. An eerie feeling surrounds us and makes me nervous. The rustling of pine needles is less endearing, and every rustle makes me jump. No light escapes through the thick clouds and it is difficult to see. A list of nocturnal predators pops up in my mind, and I have a sinking feeling that something is tracking our steps. I voice my concerns to my husband, but he tells me it's my imagination; I'm not so sure.

 A particularly violent rustle in the trees next to us makes me flinch. "Did you hear that?" I ask, my voice wobbling with anxiety. My husband tries to reassure me. "Honey, don't worry. Your mind is playing tricks. In fact, did you know..." he goes on to tell me a scientific fact about the brain. I give a small smile at his antics, but I can't shake off the suspicion.

 The light has faded by the time we've made it halfway to our destination. There are more sudden movements in the trees near as we continue walking. By now, I'm sure something is following us. The surrounding trees give no hints about what could be lurking, though. My heart races and I try to pick up the pace. Then, a bloodcurdling screech rips through the air, and a dark figure jumps in front of us. My husband and I scream and try to back away, but stand frozen in place.

 A animalistic being stands in front of us. It stands on two legs, towering over my husband and I by a whole two feet. It has dark fur, like the deepest pits of tar. Its muscled limbs end with paws the size of baseball mitts, and claws as sharp as knives. Its torso is wide as a tree trunk, and its head is the size of a wolf's, with long ears that resemble a bat's.

 It's face also resembles a wolf's, with a long muzzle and sensitive nose. But it's eyes. Its eyes haunt me. They are milky white, with no iris or pupil. They are unlike anything familiar to the natural world. They have no expression in them, but I can feel it's eyes stare into my soul. It radiates malice and evil. The creature's lips pull back in a growl, revealing two rows of sharp fangs.

 With neither of us knowing what to do, my husband whispers, "Just... move around it with caution." We try to shuffle around to the right of it. That was a mistake. The monster shrieks again and leaps towards my husband. My husband tries to fight back but the creature is too powerful and I scream as it clamps onto his jugular. "Run," he gurgles out before his throat is torn from his body. Time feels as if it moves in slow motion. I'm numb. I cannot feel my body move to stand, feel my already sore legs pumping as hard as possible. I look back for a moment. My husband is dead, with blood pouring from his throat, and now that creature has turned to me. It growls at me, getting onto all fours for the chase. I turn my head back, sprinting with all my might.

 Focus, focus, get out of the woods and to the car, I think as I sprint toward the tree line. I can hear it galloping after me, snarling and spitting. It's too close. I fumble with my bag as I run, looking for something useful against a monster like this. "Yes!" I exclaim. I've found the flare gun I would use in case I ever got lost. I pull it out, and look behind me once again. The thing has gained on me significantly, but not too much that I can't be comfortable with what I am about to do.

 I stop and turn around, aiming the flare gun's barrel at it. It's coming closer, closer. The space between us is shrinking further. I steady my hands the best I can as it races toward me at an inhuman pace. Finally, when it's only three bounds from me, I fire. Smoke and sparks trail behind the small fireball as it heads towards the creature's chest. I turn and run before I can see the flare hit the monster. An ear-splitting shriek behind me assures me I've hit my mark. In this small moment of triumph, I'm glad that I took those firearm classes. I continue to race toward the edge of the forest, but something is missing. I notice the shrieking has stopped.

 This makes me nervous. Has it stopped following me? Did it decide I wasn't worth it's time? Unlikely options, but it's a hope all the same. I grasp onto that hope and sprint as hard as I can. I can see the edge; I can see the rest stop where we arrived in the beginning. Unfortunately, I would be the only one leaving. Thinking this causes tears to cloud my vision as I run, but I don't stop. I'm almost there, I'm so close, I tell myself as I run toward the rest stop. I can imagine my car in its parking spot. Then, from the trees, the creature bursts out in front of me. I scream, trying to stop, but my momentum keeps me running. I'm barreling straight toward this monster. I decide to use my momentum and turn myself so my shoulder digs into the creature's stomach.

 It emits a low growl but seems unfazed. I keep trying to tackle it, but instead of moving it picks me up. It lifts me into the air with ease. "No, no! Let me go!" I plead. Ignoring me, the monster grabs my ankle and flings me into the ground. My back and head collide with the dirt, and I fell a crack in my spine as I sit up. The world spins for a moment, but I will myself to stand. Come on, come on, I tell myself. For some reason, my legs refuse to move. I look back to see the creature stalking towards me.

 Panicking because I cannot use my legs, I search for anything that could be of use. I look around in a frenzy, when I realize the tree line is about five feet away. I can make that, the fire inside of me says. Mustering what little upper body strength I have, I subtly scoot towards the edge. The creature moves at the same pace, so it hasn't noticed my desperate escape attempt. I continue like this for a few more moments as it closes in. Realizing I won't be able to make it like this, I make one last ditch attempt to escape. The monster is a few feet away from me when I lay down flat on my back and stretch my arms above my head.

 The creature stops and tilts its head as if confused. I notice it's caught off guard, and use this as my chance to start rolling. I barrel roll as fast as I can toward the edge. The creature realizes what I'm doing and starts to chase after me. I continue, hoping that I reach my car before it reaches me. I'm still rolling when the monster lets out a guttural screech behind me. With my energy spent, I stop and sit up, not caring at this point if I live or die. What I see surprises me. At the edge of the trees the creature stands, as if some force keeps it in the forest.

 It stares at me with its colorless eyes, snarling with malice. It's furious that I have escaped its clutches, and by such a mediocre way, too. I take this small victory, but wonder why it cannot go past this line. I don't ponder for too long, however, and instead start yelling. "Help! Help! Someone please come help me!" There aren't many vehicles or people around, but I'm lucky enough to catch the attention of a solo hiker.

 He runs over to me, worry etched onto his face. "Ma'am, what happened? Are you bleeding? Is anything broken?" he asks in rapid succession. "My husband and I were attacked by an animal," I lie, "and I was the one who escaped." The full force of what I said hits me like a tidal wave, and I start to sob uncontrollably. The cries wrack my body, and the man tries to calm me down as best as he can. As the tears dry up and I can cry no longer, the man asks, "Are you able to stand?" "No," I reply. "My legs won't work. I can't feel them either." The man looks at me with concern and gently begins to pick me up.

 "We're going to a hospital, and after that I'll take you to my house," he tells me. I'm too tired to argue against going to his house, so I mutter a thank you. As I nod off in his arms, I look back to the forest. The creature is gone, but its presence lingers in my mind. I hope I hit something vital with that flare, is my final thought before I drift into unconsciousness.

 ~

 It's been a year since that nightmare. I am paralyzed from the waist down and use a wheel chair to get around. I am no longer married as well. On the bright side, my rescuer and I bonded as he took care of me, and we are now in a serious relationship. There is still a hole in my heart where my husband belongs, but that was ripped away from me by an evil I cannot speak of. I have not told my partner what actually attacked us. He assumes it was an unusually sized bear. It's better for him not to know. Maybe that can keep him safe.

 My partner walks into the living room and kisses the top of my head. "I'm going into town today and I was wondering if you'd like to join?" he asks with a smile. I grin, and nod my head yes in answer. I wheel myself out to the car and he lifts me into the passenger seat. Once my chair is in the trunk we head to the city.

 It's a fairly long drive to the downtown part of where we live, but enjoyable nonetheless. We listen to the radio as we go along, sometimes singing, sometimes only listening. I look out the window for the most part, dozing off at times. After one of my snoozes, I wake up to find we are driving past the expanse of the dreaded forest. I shiver as I look at the landscape. The sun's rays decorate the tops of the trees in a golden light and create an aura of beauty around it. I can almost feel the breeze rushing through the pines. The majesty of it all reminds me of that fateful day. The day that took my ability to walk and my love of being in nature, which is unfortunate, really.

 It's lovely weather to go hiking in the forest today.

[massivemindz]

Hope

You once thought you had ruined me, You once believed that you’d break me down to the point of no return, I’m almost certain you once believed I could not live without you, Could not breathe without you, Could not sleep without you, I bet you once believed that you had left such an impression upon me, I would never love again, & you were absolutely right . . . At one time, I couldn’t bring myself to do any of these things, But see . . . the beauty of reaching the lowest level, Breaking down to absolutely nothing, Becoming one with misery, Is that when happiness finally rescues you from your torment, You have a new found appreciation for it, You are now more cautious of your spirit, and those who speak to it, Those you allow in your space, Those you allow to be around you, Positivity becomes your only focus, & the negativity you once experienced loses it’s ability to harm you, You are no longer moved by devastation, You now see the light in the midst of darkness, You become able to recognize when things or people are no longer for you, You have the best intentions for not only yourself but others, You’re forever changing, & you understand the true meaning of growth, You once took this from me . . . hope that is, Once made me believe that I’d be nothing without you, Took my voice from me, Shattered all my dreams and aspirations, Made me feel as if there was nothing to look forward too, Forced me to find condolence in the lies you told me, You stripped me of my innocence, Attempted to ruin me forever, Used my body as if it was disposable, as if it meant nothing to you or anyone, Made love to me as if you had plans for our future, Caught up, tangled in a disparaging weave of deceit and hypocrisy, You lied as if it were your second language, Treated me as if I were the fool, everyone around us knew the truth, But they couldn’t tell me, couldn’t bring themselves to speak on your betrayal, They knew I loved you in a way only your family could, I accepted your flaws, because I saw potential in you, I ignored all signs of who you really were, because of the love I shared for you, You hadn’t proven much to me, but it meant everything to me back then, You hadn’t done anything spectacular but I found my treasure within you, I was forced one day to confront my truth, our truth, the only thing that mattered, I guess your friends had hopes you’d realize what was always standing in front of you, I guess they had hoped you’d one day appreciate the girl you took for granted, They had also hoped that one day I would abandon you, They used your betrayal as a stepping stone into conversation, I never paid attention however, I always remained loyal to you, and only to you, I had caught you in lies before, but none would hurt as much as this, I found out I was not the only woman you had been entertaining, I knew of the men who had tried to steal me from you, All of the men who wanted everything you had, We were in a relationship, discussing our lives daily, plans for our life, Discussing marriage destinations, and what our children’s names would be, You told me you wanted to live together, Told me that you wanted to create something beautiful, made me feel special, Made me believe I was the only one, the only girl you’d ever truly loved, You once told me you wanted forever, & it was all a lie, The fairytale, in which I had placed us as the two main characters, Had become my worst enemy, I didn’t know whether to be mad at you or myself, I couldn’t blame you, I knew from the way I loved you, that you had been dishonest, I had known for quite some time that you had been untruthful, You had no intentions on exploring the possibilities we once spoke of so passionately, I had faith in you, that is what hurt me most in the end, I saw something in you, you hadn’t even discovered within yourself, & see that’s where I found my solace, Looking back on the situation, you had never even learned to love yourself, How could you ever show me the love I showed to you? See I was comfortable . . . & I am comfortable . . . within myself, I see beauty within in me, even when the view in the mirror is not pleasing to the eye, I know that true magnificence within a person is their ability to love, Regardless of what they’ve been through, I know the true gem or jewel is to love yourself even when other’s do not, To be able to find appreciation in discouragement and disappointment, To be able to try again even when at first you don’t succeed, I loved myself long before I ever met you, I merely lost sight of what I once found so important, Now, I know better, I cannot find happiness within the presence of another, I must first find happiness within myself, and allow another only to feed my joy, Happiness is fickle, and joy is everlasting, & though we may endure for a night, joy comes in the morning, You were that for me, forgiveness, A direct example of my strength as a woman, I had to forgive you first, to allow myself to grow again, I smile different, I walk with delicate feet, but my presence is unsettling, I speak in noiseless dialogue, but you can feel every second of conversation with me, I move with calm demeanor, but my steps are now strategic, You once thought you had broken me, You stripped me of everything but the only thing you should’ve ever taken, My commitment, I assume you didn’t take it because you knew nothing of it’s meaning . . . I was committed to you once, hopelessly devoted, I managed to redirect my concentration, prioritize my own ambitions, I was to become a woman not easy to lose, and not only that, A woman no other man would ever be able to leave behind, See I left my mark on you, and your life, I left such an impression on you, you will search for me in every woman after, You will look for me on your coldest nights, where only your demons console you, You will want for me when all other things in life no longer quench your thirst, You will beg for my compassion, when Karma comes to collect her debt, You will crave my very presence, when you’re in a room full of people, You will call for me when there is no one else around you, You will compare your past and present for the rest of your days, I remember you once believed you owned me, The strong, intelligent, confident woman I am, You will want for me for the rest of your days, But see . . . I no longer want anything from you, You no longer hold anything of value to me, I do not see the same man I once fell in love with, You are still the man in which I see my future, I just no longer picture you in it, There is no us, no we, we are nothing, You’ve asked on numerous occasion if we could be friends, & I told you no, & I will continue to say the same for the rest of my days, You took me for granted when I gave you everything you could ever ask for, You will wish for time, until you learn to appreciate the gift that others give you, You will wish for the time to go back, and to do things over, & I will pray to God for your guidance, I pray that the lost little boy, you once portrayed as a man, Finds himself, so that you do not have to harm another, I thank you for doing all that you’ve done, I no longer harbor anger towards you, I’ve grown, I’ve forgiven you for all the pain you ever caused me, You were the best lesson I could have ever experienced, I know that you were only in my life for a season, & I no longer resent the climate for changing . . . I use to, I use to hate when the seasons would change, Because I knew that you would also, I know better now, with new seasons, comes new opportunity, One day you too will recognize the beauty in life, I wish the best for you . . . genuinely & I will hold for you my love, what you once attempted to steal from me, Hope . . .

[crypt-addict]

EXCLUSIVE: Review of the ‘Demonstration (I)’ EP by CHURCHGATE.

**This is a direct copy of last weeks review of the pre-single in support of this EP - along with the addition of the reviews of the 3 new tracks; in order to review the Extended Play in full. Just to clear up any confusion caused**

Wow? Who would have thought the day would come where i…an unimportant reviewer in the depths of tumblrs’ half-arsed pastel, goth and alternative dungeons would have the chance to exclusively preview and review such a spectacular release?! I have tried my hand at reviewing many mainstream albums before, with pretty hit and miss responses; but i assure you - this is one review you definitely need to read through and listen to the end product, because by GOD you need CHURCHGATE in your life, like NOW.

The duo, consisting of Murdo and Jessie, is arguably, one of the best independent queer and alternative/dark synth bands to come out of 2017 so far, and in my opinion, the best. Raining from two very different corners of the country, with a 100 mile journey between them - this is one of the best musical outcomes of a long distance friendship i have seen, in my good decade of observing the DIY and alternative scenes. Mixing earworm guitar and synth leads, with haunting ghostly and scream-like vocals - which seep into your bones and out of your every nerve - shivering your senses and leaving you hungry to press the repeat button, like a hit of the best drug you have encountered; CHURCHGATE are definitely a force to be reckoned with. Don’t sleep on this release, because these guys are going to be big, sooner than you might think! Without any further ado, lets get into the track by track review:

–TRACK BY TRACK REVIEW–

WEEPING SONG: Beginning with sharp, and harsh guitar strikes, with a catchy but off-putting (in the best kind of way) synth structure soon jumping in, pulsating and enrapturing you like a siren of the post-goth era, Weeping Song is the début single everybody wishes they could put together. Reminiscent of some fucked up, euphoric musical smoothie, consisting of Alice Deejay’s ‘Better Off Alone’ and CRIM3S’ ‘BREED’ - with a pinch of Cocteau Twins; CHURCHGATE have clearly redefined the dark electro genre as we know it.

No ounce of emotion is spared as you focus onto each personal and relatable lyric, from “broken bone, forgotten home” to “still holding hands, we are the weeping” - it’s obvious just how much this song hits home, for me at least. I don’t know about anyone else but what captivates me with music is being able to have a sense of relation with the artist who wrote the lyrics, and with such a powerful tone its clear to see how much effort went into not just the complexity of the lyrics, but the instrumental- which in itself has countless layers of instruments, further drawing out emotion.

I don’t quite know how to say it in words, without sounding like a psycho - but music really does sometimes have the ultimate power to make you ‘feel’ sadness but also strength, the strength of ‘keeping-on-keeping-on’ and regardless of what shit life throws at you, carrying on with some façade of happiness, which eventually turns into true overcoming of sadness, and a real sense of happiness after all. Few songs manage to draw it out, but those that do leave a lasting memory on your heart and in your head. CHURCHGATE managed to reach that flag-post in their first track; something many bands can’t achieve til their final years together, or never at all.

My favourite thing about the lyrics is that they are relatable ina  sense that, each verse could be taken with a variety of definitions. For example, my stand out lyric is perhaps one of the verses which could most definitely be interpreted into many different scenario’s - “pierce the night, with our light // held you down, without a fight”. For me the line suggests that whomever the song’s point of view is about, has overcame some trouble, and the light is suggestive of the dark times being over, but the struggle was hard, given that whatever held them back was so easy to give in to. With genre’s constantly moving on in terms of musicality and vocal techniques; it is a constant struggle to have your own sense of uniqueness within the community - but this track has no trouble finding its own benchmark within a variety of genre’s - and for that reason alone, is why i find myself so hexed whilst listening to it.

Musically, the song has a few key ‘changes’ in structure - around the half way point, the guitars become more prominent for a while, before becoming engulfed, but not overshadowed by the synths once more. A synth breakdown follows, where more layers gradually gravitate over the main melody until the bridge - where the guitars become highlighted once more. Leaving no stone unturned, the outro within itself, manages to give you one last shiver - refraining the synth melody that kicked in initially after the intro by itself, before submitting itself into a sea of white noise glory. I cannot do anything but recommend this track to anybody - regardless of their strict genre rules or tastes in music, i have all hope and trust that this track will go far. I’m calling it right now! And for that, this track deserves no less than a 10/10.

BELLS RING: Channeling a twisted take on the original dream pop track, originally by Mazzy Star - this cover is sickeningly sweet, in the strangest of ways. With Murdo’s aggressive, almost demonic mumbling of the lyrics, eerily distorted synth accompanies and Jessie channelling 80′s rock with his guitar leads - this is nothing short of a dark synth-wave take on a once serenading track.

Lines such as “Bells ring into the night, Sounds like a mistress on a rainy night” have a more mellow mumble, whereas the chorus; bearing lyrics such as “Nobody wants to know your reason why” resonate a creepier, more mischievous tone. All the while between the glorious guitar, short bursts of clashing synths give a sense of uneasiness, followed by a warm nostalgic feeling once more.

All in all, this cover is a gem amongst many covers of the song a quick YouTube search can find you. And in comparison to other artists who may decide to play it safe when using a cover as a b-side, CHURCHGATE went far, far, FAR from the ‘norm’ partially by choosing such a track that was little known to begin with, and also by conjuring up such a daring, whimsical and unique take on the track - vocals in particular. 9.7/10

PURE: Portraying a guitar lead reminiscent of oldschool college punk and rock works, pure is one of the softest and most mellow tracks on the EP - or so you thought...As the drums and synths drop into full on anarchy not long after the relaxing almost introduction.

Lyrics such as “I’m pure for you” and “The end has never been quite so sweet” cannot help but trigger a sense of abandonment of a relationship, with the one side feeling so much emotion for the other, whom has nothing quite left to give. Pure is to me, a great representation of not feeling good enough for somebody - and paired with the wholesome instrumental track makes for a lowkey banger if i’ve ever heard one! 8.9/10

FLORAL INTERLUDE: The perfect pairing of uneasy synth randomness and beautiful guitar riffs has the outcome of floral interlude. The shortest track on the album, and serving as a sickly sweet intro of sorts to the next track, i have never been so in love with an interlude in my life! I usually have the opinion that they’re pointless little half-afterthoughts to an album, but as of late, i really do believe they can add a lot to the theming and atmosphere of a release. In this case; that is ESPECIALLY the case!

It kinda reminds me of an old classic, yet i can’t put my finger on anything in my mind. It feels so nostalgic to my childhood, but i have no idea why or what to reference it to and i’m unsure whether to be creeped out or amazed by that - so i’m just gonna go ahead and say i’m shook instead!

Lyrically, the track is quite dark and beautiful - referring to being sprawled across a bed of dying leaves and’fleurs’ spouting from one eyes. The lyrics spread across your ears like jam but in the thought of them, after listening twice or three times, that’s kinda a scary thing to happen to someone?! Eitherway i’m so impressed with this interlude, and will scream from the rooftops of its greatness as i bask in this prickly rose garden it layed out before me; or should i say it encouraged to grow out my iris’ hahah. 9.9/10

PRECIOUS THING: Well, where do i start? We learnt from Bells Ring that CHURCHGATE don’t do conventional and fitting in when it comes to covering iconic tracks! In this instance they put their own spin on possibly one of the best punk rock/glam anthems to come out of the 80′s.

Keeping the guitars relatively similar, but possibly harsher - it is the vocals that completely suck you into this cover. Insturmentally, the track seems to be like a mashup of the original ‘precious things’ with the total cliché of american dream aesthetics and sounds, whereas Murdo’s vocals seem to malform into a gorgeously creepy, double-angst-raged embodiment of Joan Jett, screaming out the obviously sexual intended lyrics - such as “I will hold you down” and “You are my precious thing, as long as you remain beneath me”.

I didnt really know if 80′s punk could ever be topped, and i say this with no disrespect to the greats who coined the genre - BUT FUCK, CHURCHGATE REALLY CAN DOMINATE ANY GENRE AND TURN IT INTO A GOTH ROCK, SYNTH GLAZED, WITCH HOUSE, TRAP DOUBLE-DIPPED EXTRAVAGANZA! If you don’t enjoy this track are you really as punk as you think? 9.4/10

*TOTAL RATING: 9.9/10*

Overall, i see big things happening for these guys. They definitely have their heads screwed on, and their ideas mounted together in order to define themselves within the already diverse musical playing field. With a benign exterior, and an interior almost like being hit in the face with a candy-covered machete; i genuinely have nothing bad to say about this release! Now please excuse me whilst i drown in my tears at how emotional i feel after listening on repeat for days, hahah.

Always remember to support the artist! - you can get your very own copy of Demonstration (I) via churchgates’ bandcamp page ❤