#and I don't understand why any of this is happening to me...

[revelboo]

Hey I hope you are doing well and just wanted to say you are one of the reasons that I'm still madly obsessed with Transformers and to be honest I don't read much of they comics but I do love watching their shows, ( it's more merciful to my wallet because most of their show are free to watch then buying every comic and it is hard to find a comic shop where I'm from) but can I ask for an intimate Megatronus of Transformers One story, I'm curious how he would handle the reader, and his reaction be of their face and body, because it's the first time in his life he ever sees something like the reader.

👉👈🫣

Sure! 18+ Mass displaced mech 🌶️

Scenario-First Time

Megatronus Prime x Reader

• Servos brushing your collarbone when he touches the edge of your loose covering, there’s not much to it. Just this thin bit of cloth and a sash around your middle keeping it closed. Wishes you’d look up at him as the tip of a servo slides along skin brushing cloth, but your head is down, face flushed. Shy now? Servos skimming down your body, he plays with the end of the sash. One little tug and it will come loose and he’ll see what you keep hidden from him. Wants to do bad his aching with it. His sweet little, shy mate. “I won’t take anything you’re unwilling to offer,” he says and your lips part. Needs you to look at him, to meet his optics. To know you still want this. Want him. Doesn’t want you to feel obligated, that you have to do this, to give yourself to him.

• Heart racing, you laying your hand on his. Even mass displaced, he’s so big. Intimidating, but you’re not scared of him. Know him after being trapped here with him so long, he’s your protector, your friend. And you want him, want to have this moment. Blowing out a breath, your fingers brush his servos, picking apart the loose knot on your sash. “It’s not that,” you reassure him, self conscious and trying to understand why he wants you. You’ve come to love him, but compared to them, you must be unsettling, right? Soft and alien instead of what he’s used to and maybe you’re just a curiosity to him. Maybe he’s only interested because you’re a new experience not because he actually wants you. You’re just scratching an itch to explore a new kink. And it’s okay if that’s all this is, if he can’t love you. Keep repeating the lie to yourself.

• Loose robe gaping open to reveal a tantalizing stretch of skin, he reaches to tip your chin up with a servo. “Then what is it?” Those eyes finally lift to his optics, uncertain and so achingly vulnerable. Do you have any idea how precious you are to him? How much he loves you? Venting with a smile behind his mask, he eases down to kneel at your feet, putting himself closer to your level. Reaching to cup your face in his hands and you offer him a hesitant smile. “Talk to me, little one.” Going still when you reach to touch his mask, fingers brushing the edges, but not trying to remove it. And no one unmasks him, not even the other Primes. But as your eyes dip, unable to meet his optics, he reaches up to lay his hands on the back of your much smaller ones, removing his mask for you.

• He’s handsome under the mask, his face scarred from an old injury that twists his features into a harshness that doesn’t reach those kind optics and you’re reaching before you can stop yourself. Fingers stopping just shy of touching him. And he closes the distance, laying his cheek against your palm and his big hand covering yours to keep it there. Watching you touch him and your thumb slides against his bottom lip, flirting with the edge of that scarring. “What happened?”

• Even before the injury, he never was lovely, not like Prima, he’d done his duty but wasn’t adored the way Prima was. Wasn’t loved. “Another time.” Shielded his siblings and taken the brunt of an attack to spare them, but he doesn’t want to share war stories with you, doesn’t want you to worry over him and he knows you will. Turning his head to brush his mouth against your palm to distract you, he lays his other hand on you, servos brushing your collar bone and warm skin. And he feels your breathing hitch. Eyes shying away again as you shift slightly and that soft cloth slides off your shoulders to fall to the floor. No more secrets. Takes it as permission, servos brushing over you, tracing curves and hollows. Lingering when you make soft noises. Spreading his thighs wider apart, he tugs you against his frame, lips brushing your throat, sliding to your shoulder, as every intake fills him with the scent of you. The taste of your skin on his glossa when his mouth opens against you.

• Big hands stroking over you, touching so gently like you’re made of glass. But then he could break you so easily without meaning to, something you’re painfully aware of. Hands gripping his helm when his mouth slides over you and his own hands find your hips. Lifting you into his arms and you realize he’s freed his spike at some point, feel the length of him sliding against you. Feet unable to touch the ground, your toes curl as he keeps rocking the length of his spike between your thighs, teasing you both. “Megatronus,” you whimper and he growls at the sound of his name. Mouth back on your throat, kissing and sucking the skin there, denta grazing you. And your body is heating, coiling at just the feel of him sliding against your slick core again and again, at those big hands on you, aware that you’re going to come apart before he’s even inside you. Begging for him, clinging to him as he rumbles softly against you and whispers that you’re his.

[xan-izme]

Dubble Life 14 (Batfam x reader x ACTSV)

Summary: No matter how much you think you know yourself, you seem to still not understand why you do the things you do.

Part 13,

When you wake up, things felt, more tense. Bruce was stricter on not letting you out on certain hours. Even Alfred wouldn't let you slip out the door without him coming along. Dick clung onto you, kept trying to do everything for you till he had to go back to Bludhaven. Damian was weirdly distant. Not cold, just Distant. Tim seemed take over what Dick was doing to you, just a lot less clingy. Helping you more than usual, even when he was clearly tired.

And Jason?

He was pushing your damn buttons.

"You should stop."

"Huh?"

You stare at the older man with confusion. You two stood in an abandoned building. You were in a spider suit that was darker to blend within the dark. Jason had just taken care of a few thugs just as you finished throwing an anomaly into a portal to the Spider Society HQ.

"This thing with Alchemax, I can handle the fighting, and you can-"

"Whatever bullshit your trying to say. Spit it out. Don't beat around the bush." You cut Jason off, you didn't have to take your mask off for Jason to know you were getting pissed off already.

". . . It's getting dangerous."

The moment Jason said those words you immediately throw your hands in the air while letting out a scoff of disbelief.

"You gotta be kidding me. Are you serious right now?"

"Just hear me out God damn it!" Jason wasn't going to let you just brush him off anymore.

"Joker, Scarecrow and all those other psychos are out now. Trust me when I say your screwed if you run into any of them, doesn't matter if you're meta."

You had your back faced to Jason. Clearly frustrated and upset of this topic. Jason lets out a sigh and shook his head. Before speaking a little more softly

"Come on kid, you haven't even talked about what happened with the fear gas."

". . . That doesn't matter-"

"Yes, it does! Whatever is going on up there-" Jason points to his head; "Will affect your insect ass out here."

". . . Spiders aren't insects."

"Oh, for fucks sakes You know what I mean!" Jason lets out a frustrated sigh.

"Just wait till those psychos are put back in Arkham. . . Please?" Jason walks closer to you. But you walked to an open window to jump out. Before doing so you spoke one last time.

"Fine."

Jason felt slightly relived once you agreed, watching you jump out of the window and swing up to a building.

Miles was working on a new invention, the upbeat music you put on faintly in the background. Miles puts a screwdriver in his mouth as he uses both hands to connect the wires on his invention. But he pauses as he felt a pair of eyes on him. He slowly turns his head to see you on his bed, a book in hand, just staring at him with a small smile.

"What?" He gave you a look of confusion. Your brow quirks up at his confrontation "Hm?"

"You're staring at me with that creepy smile of yours." Miles takes the screwdriver out of his mouth and waves it around as he spoke. You gave a fake offended gasp.

"Exuuusse me??" Your hand now on your chest, exaggerating the feeling of offence. You expected some form of amusement from Miles, but his mind seemed to be elsewhere

You tilt your head "Hey, space boy, what's got you so distracted, I come here to spend time with you and you're not even yapping about your usual nerdy stuff." You spoke in a joking manner, but there was a hint of concern.

Miles stayed silent for a moment. Your playful demeanor falters as you see that he's bothered about something. But he doesn't want to talk about it. But you know it was about you.

You sighed as you scoot closer to the edge of the bed where Miles sat.

"Your upset." You nudged his shoulder with your own. His silence only confirms your suspicion. After a few moments Miles finally spoke up.

"Me and Uncle Aaron found out who was responsible for the explosion at the bridge. The one that got your mother killed. . ."

You paused at the last sentance.

"Oh . . ."

"It was Kingpin."

You hum and nod. "I see. . . he's in prison right now, right? He won't hurt anyone else for a long awhile." You rub his shoulder to reassure him. But this only angered him.

"Why are you so calm!?" He brushed your hand off and let out a huff of annoyance as he stood up from the bed with his back faced to you. Your brows furrowed at his sudden burst of anger.

"Miles-"

"It doesn't matter that he's in jail now. He's going to get out. He has the money, Has the connections. No matter what we do they always come back and they hurt more people!" His frustration on the situation felt, familiar. You had the same feeling once.

"Miles. . ."

He ignores your first warning he goes on. "What's the use of fighting crime when they just end up killing more people!? Why- why can't we kill people like Kingpin!?"

"Miles Gonzalo Morales! ¡Ya es suficiente de ti!" Your stern voice almost booming. Silence falls upon the room. Miles, still upset spoke again.

"He killed your mother."

You were not having his attitude today.

"Do not use her death as an excuse! you know killing has been and never will be an option for us. It makes us no better than them."

Both of you were angry. Angry at each other, at the world. Just two angry teens in a room.

The disagreement with Miles dragged. The two of you didn't speak to each other for a few days, and you were agitated to get back out on patrol feeling Alchemax is up to something and the longer you wait the worse things will get.

You were able to slip away from a nagging Alfred. You made it past a very sleep deprived Tim who usually , once you made it through the doors of the manor you were met with a surprising view of Ms. Dean walking up the stairs to the doors.

"Mrs. Dean! What are you doing here?" Your brow quirked up in confusion and a little curious. "Aw, do you miss me? we just had a session two days ago." You spoke in a joking tone, but Mrs. Dean was not amused.

"I'm actually here to, discuses a few more things with you."

You sighed, you walked up closer to the older woman, circling her.

"And I'm assuming Bruce is making you do house calls now?" Your tone uninterested on whatever Bruce is trying to get out from you. Whatever it is. You must admit, the man is more insistent than you imagined.

"Actually, I'm here on my own accorded. I was hoping we could talk, off the records of course."

Mrs. Deans words caused you to gain interest.

"Seriously?" You gave the woman a look of surprise mixed with suspicion. Mrs. Dean nods "Seriously."

You don't sense any interior motive. At the moment. So, you agreed. The two of you going into Gotham city and stopped at a bat-burger place.

Mrs. Dean watched you with a blank expression as you devoured your burger.

"Mmm, these are, okay. I honestly like the burgers back in New York." You say this while your tray is literally empty.

"So, what did you want to chat about. My childhood? any daddy issues you assume I have? oh oh! trust issues. Yes, I remember you said that was one of my problems, no?" You of course were acting sort of passive aggressive; you have just been so frustrated with the recent events that it was getting harder to be or even act positive.

And Ms. Dean saw this, her own daughters show this sort of attitude when keeping in their anger for too long.

"Actually, I just wanted to see how you were doing."

You gave the older woman a look of confusion and slight suspicion.

"Ms. Dean-"

"Please, call me Alice." Ms. Dean- Alice insisted.

You stayed silent for a moment before letting out a small scoff of amusement. "Alright, Alice. Is this something you normally do with your clients? or am I just, special."

"Just think of this as a friendly meet up."

You almost scoffed

"Come on, Alice. What is this really about?"

Alice inhaled deeply. Seeming to almost bracing herself before speaking.

"I just- I don't understand why you didn't confront me about the camera. You knew the whole time. Yet, you didn't say anything for weeks." The older woman was clearly stressed on this topic. Which made you smirk in amusement as you just shrugged.

"You're the therapist, you tell me."

Alice's eyes narrowed, sighing as she leans into her seat.

"You weren't completely lying in our sessions. . . You told the truth. Half of the time. You're like an open book, but in a whole different, complex language." Alice glanced up to see your invested into this conversation. Curiosity in your eyes as you leaned into the table that kept the distance between you two.

"And because of that, you assume no one will take the time to truly understand you. But when someone actually does take the time to try and understand you. You panic. And you change yourself to . . ." Alice stops. She doesn't stop because she came to an understanding of something. Quite the opposite. She doesn't know why you do it.

You sighed, slightly disappointed. "You almost nailed it. Your pretty scary actually, haha!" You laughed.

". . . I'm scared. I change myself because I'm scared." Your cocky facade fades, just a little. Still present but fades enough to shock Alice to an extent.

"Why?"

"Donno. . . was kinda hoping you'd figure that out for me."

Silence falls between you two. One thing is for sure, your not paying for the food.

---___---___---___---___---___---___---___---___---___----___---___

A/n: This is really short, but you all deserve at least SOMETHING! So here yall go❤️

@huening-ly,@mariadvorak, @superherosdystopiafreak, @chelluv, @houseissofine, @esposadomd, @greyeyedmockingbird, @1-800-daisy, @c0c0-puffsxxx @arthurswife, @h0rr0r-10ver-69, @josiepapen, @natashanice165, @amber-content, @mahbeanz @azurewisteria, @seraph101, @skepvids, @lara20aral, @iwasveronica, @jackrabbitem, @nickey-diano, @idonthaveanameforthisacc, @sekidekiboombeki, @masters-blog, @lulpeepkins, @sgarrush-blush, @redsakura101, @danart501, @definitely-not-sammie, @khaleesihavilliard, @reallynotsoconfident, @uknowimdumb, @bat1212

[ivycopper]

I think you're fundamentally misunderstanding the premise of this convo. My point is not "let yourself want good things". My point is abt the language we use as ppl who already want Good Things (tm).

So all I did was stress that we need to please please please not act words like "alternate universe" or, as some ppl other than did, "utopia" when talking abt things that exist in some places of the world. And I didn't blame OP, bc I get it. I really do.

I told you why that's important. And I hold myself to that standard. Like for example, until last yr, changing your gender marker required a costly court case and a number of deeply humiliating examinations and several psychologist's reports in my country. And there seemed to be no change in sight, so I was very tempted to talk abt it as if it's not attainable. But I didn't, bc Ik the less we believe it can happen over here, the more likely it is to get scrapped again elsewhere. I mean, you guys know first hand how quickly it can happen. (And I fucking wish I could offer my fellow trans ppl from the US more than my sympathy.)

Ik you care, how could you not! I don't doubt for a second so many of you fight hard for progress. I'm solely talking abt changing our rhetoric surrounding the topic, shifting it away from the irrealis. In online spaces, all we have is our words.

I'm not passing judgement on OP or any of the commenters. There's no moral failure here, oc there isn't.

What I don't understand is why you're opposed to making this point on here? Discourse abt activist rhetoric only makes sense in activist spaces. That's where it belongs.

I didn't call you a prick - you did. I only concurred, mirroring your tone. I'm sure that if you hold your horses a bit and try to understand where I'm coming from, you're probably a cool person I agree with on many levels.

It's funny to me that you seem to assume I don't fight for these things irl. I do. In fact, I'm becoming a teacher bc I want to work directly with disadvantaged students. I do charity work with kids. I'm baffled where that assumption comes from and how it relates to my initial reply. Bc, as I said: We have got free access to education here, so Idek what I would be calling my local representatives abt? And I obviously can't call your local representatives? (Btw, "local representatives" are not a thing with this kind of topic here. Germany is a highly bureaucratic country, and the education system in particular is extremely intransparent, which is partly why I'll have to go into teaching to have any sort of influence on things, however miniscule. Things move a lot faster over where you are, for better or worse. That was a bit of US defaultism there, but that's an aside, and I'm not mad abt that.)

Alternate universe where I literally just to go to school forever (for free) so I can just learn about art and literature and history and languages for 100 years. No job skills. No credit requirements. No student loans. Just learning.

[firstkanaphans]

Ik nothing about inn I haven't watched any shows (I'm emfkjd mains) but I am fascinated by the lore in your inn posts who is this man what is his life I need to know more gimme a primer pls and shows to watch I'm mesmerized by the energy

Oh, Anon, I would love to! Full disclaimer: I only became a fan of Inn after he joined GMMTV so everything that happened before then, I've had to piece together through sketchy Twitter posts that may or may not be accurate and an obscene amount of Instagram stalking. But these are things as I understand them:

In 2022, Inn starred in a BL called "The Miracle of Teddy Bear" where he played a teddy bear that comes to life and falls in love with its owner. It's a fantastic BL and I do recommend it (more on that below), but it's ridiculously long. 16 episodes, an hour and a half each, and surprisingly heavy subject matter for what sounds like it should be a light-hearted drama. Inn did a fantastic job—so much so that it's still hard for me to see him as anything other than an anthropomorphic teddy bear—but while the show was airing, rumors started to surface that Inn had a boyfriend (which he did).

I don't know the specifics, but the general fan perception seems to be that Channel 3 was not happy with these rumors and blamed Inn for them, which led to a rift with his management. Because of that, he left Channel 3 and moved over to GMMTV instead where he knew upon signing that he would be paired with Great, who he was friends with during university. You can listen to Great tell the whole story of how they came to be paired here (with some amusing asides from Inn).

And now for the juicy stuff...

This, my friends, is Inn's boyfriend/husband/business partner, Tie Kuhapremkit. If you couldn't tell, he's a model by trade.

Are you starting to see why I'm obsessed with them now?

I have no clue when Inn and Tie started dating—they were liking each others photos on Instagram all the way back in 2016—but what I do know is that they opened Holiday Pastry together in 2022 and started wearing matching $13k Cartier Love rings that same year. Here's some photos of them wearing the rings at their new bakery launch earlier this month.

I have not yet found a single picture of them alone together. Even in group photos, they are careful to have at least one person between them, and that lack of photos is, in itself, conspicuous. They own three businesses together. The fact that there are no photos of them is honestly impressive. (I did find a Twitter user who documents all their Lovestagrams if you want to do a deep dive.)

Inn obviously has ample motivation to keep his relationship private, but I think the reason I've become so obsessed with him and Tie is because it's such a great representation of what this industry could become if fans weren't so toxic. Not only does Inn get an IRL boyfriend, but he also gets an on-screen boyfriend who he gets paid to flirt with. And his two boyfriends get along!

Here's a picture of Great at Tie's birthday dinner (please also note how far away from Tie Inn moved to take this picture).

And here's a video of Tie accidentally walking out of the kitchen at their bakery just as Inn was hugging Great in front of their fans.

It’s all just so perfect. But unfortunately, fans are toxic and one of the most often cited reasons for GreatInn’s lack of popularity is that fact that since Inn has a boyfriend and people are aware of it, they can’t delude themselves into thinking he's with Great, which takes some of their fun away. To those people, I just say: Where is your imagination? Because GreatInn do more fanservice than every other GMMTV CP combined. Here is Inn telling everyone that he and Great practiced their NC scenes on his kitchen counter. And here is Great making sure you know that Inn has a big penis too.

As for the kids, you can watch this video of Inn explaining it himself. The kids are the biological children of his housekeeper but she was going to send them away, so Inn offered to take them in instead. Obviously, I don't know their exact arrangement, but Inn does refer to the kids as his. Like just look at these pictures. I’m melting. 

Sorry for the machine translation on the second one. It's mostly accurate except his son's names is Saifah, which means "thunder." So he's saying Saifah doesn't cry. (And also, yes. Poon has liked every single one of Inn's pictures as far back as I've scrolled—which is far. Do with that information what you will.)

Saifah and Fahsai's mom also recently had a third child that seems to be living at Inn's house as well.

In addition to all of that, Inn is also just a character in his own right. He’s sassy and spoiled and I watch every single variety show or interview he appears in because it’s always a great time. From pole dancing on Live House to being bitter it's "GreatInn" instead of "InnGreat" to complaining that Great gave him the wrong number of roses on Valentine's Day. He's just an amazing human and I am obsessed with him.

As for which shows you should watch, definitely check out WandeeGoodday. It's a GMMTV show and highlights his chemistry with Great really well. I would also recommend The Miracle of Teddy Bear—especially if you're a fan of The Eclipse because the original stories were written by the same author. However, Miracle of Teddy Bear deals with some heavy topics including child abuse so please make sure you're in the right headspace for that.

Inn and Great are currently halfway through filming their second show together, Memoir of Rati, and they're making quick time so I imagine it'll probably be on air within the next three months.

I hope this was helpful? And I hope it makes you want to watch more of his shows because he deserves all the love and support in the world.

[22ayla21]

Hi! How would the amphoreus husbands react to their wife dealing with morning sickness and fatigue for the first time?

Morning sickness

Morning sickness and fatigue give rise to suspicions that the wife may be pregnant.

The morning did not start as usual.

Mydei woke up from a barely perceptible movement next to him. Not yet fully awake, he reached out to his beloved by touch, but her place in the bed was already empty. He frowned. She rarely got up before him, especially without a good reason.

A muffled sound pierced the silence, coming from the next room. Mydei tensed and quickly stood up, walking barefoot on the cool floor. When he found her, he stopped in the doorway, watching her leaning against the edge of the sink, breathing heavily. A slight tremor in her shoulders, a tired look, a sickly pallor - he did not like all this.

Coming closer, he carefully touched her back, feeling how she shuddered slightly.

- Are you okay?

She remained silent, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Only after a few seconds did she nod, but Mydei could see that she wasn't feeling too well.

- Did something happen? - His voice became more serious. She tried to brush it off, but the look he gave her made it clear that excuses wouldn't work. Sighing, she reluctantly muttered:

- Just morning sickness... don't worry. - Mydei narrowed his eyes. He had too many battles under his belt to not notice the obvious. This was more than just fatigue. He looked at her carefully, calculating the possible options. Illness? Exhaustion? Stress? But then his gaze lingered on her stomach.

The thoughts came together into a single picture. He straightened up abruptly, his eyes widening.

- You...

She realized that he had guessed, and she bit her lip slightly. Something warm, but at the same time uncertain, flashed in her eyes. Mydei looked at her for a long time, realizing something that hadn’t occurred to him before.

Pregnant.

His heart skipped a beat, and he didn’t even immediately understand what he was doing. His hands gently rested on her waist, his gaze became deeper, warmer.

- You’re pregnant, - he finally said, as if checking himself. She nodded, and he felt something inside him turn over.

He had seen thousands of battles, fought the most terrible opponents, stood before death without fear. But now… Now this feeling was different. He would be a father.

Warmth spread in his chest, and he, without holding back, pulled her to himself, hugging her so carefully, as if she had become the most precious creature in the entire universe.

- Why didn’t you tell me right away?

- I wanted to be sure… - Mydei closed his eyes, took a deep breath, before gently running his hand down her back.

- Now I need to take care not only of you, but also of our child, - his voice was full of determination. - You won't have to endure this alone anymore.

She smiled, relaxing in his arms for the first time that morning. Mydei, who was always ready to take on any challenge, realized that this was the most important one in his life.

Anaxagoras was not a man who gave in to panic. He always acted rationally, with a cool head, analyzing the situation before jumping to conclusions. But when his wife once again barely had time to turn away to suppress nausea, and then tiredly leaned against the nearest wall, he realized that something was wrong.

At first, he simply watched. This was not an isolated incident - in recent days she seemed tired, yawned more often, sometimes put off things that she usually did without hesitation. And this nausea...

He crossed his arms over his chest, narrowing his eyes.

- You're sick, - he stated as a fact. His wife looked at him tiredly, as if about to object, but in the end she only shrugged.

- I'm fine, - she said, but her voice did not sound as confident as usual. Anaxagoras was not convinced.

He came closer, looking at her carefully. Fatigue, change of routine, nausea… He was a doctor, a scientist, an alchemist, but at that moment he didn’t even think about medical theories for a second. Instead, a single suspicion popped into his head.

He put his hand on her shoulder, forcing her to look at him.

- You’re pregnant.

She blinked. A second of silence. And then… laughter. She covered her face with her hands, shaking her head.

- You say that as if you were passing a sentence.

Anaxa frowned. He himself hadn’t realized that he had said it so… bluntly.

Pregnant.

The thought seemed to fill his entire consciousness. He wasn’t even sure how to feel about it. It wasn’t that he minded – it was just that, as a man accustomed to everything being in control, he hadn’t expected his life to change so suddenly.

His wife was still smiling, but now she was looking at him with interest, clearly waiting for his reaction. He sighed.

- Okay. - He tilted his head to the side. - So we should confirm it for sure.

She nodded, but he noticed a slight spark of joy in her eyes. Anaxagoras was slightly surprised by this. And suddenly he realized - maybe this really wasn't so bad.

Phainon had always been attentive to his wife, but lately he had noticed strange changes in her. In the morning she looked tired, sometimes she sat at the table for a long time, simply staring into space, and sometimes she even suddenly turned away, holding back nausea. He saw how she often pressed her palm to her stomach, how she winced from the smells that she used to love.

One morning, before the sun had risen, he was awakened by a quiet but distinct noise in the bathroom. Sleepy but alert, he immediately got out of bed and went to her. The door was ajar, and he saw her sitting on the floor, breathing heavily, her face pale and her eyes closed.

- You don’t look well, - he said, sitting down next to her and gently touching her shoulder. She tried to smile, but it was unconvincing.

- I’m fine, it’s just… - She paused, as if considering whether to say it. - I must have eaten something bad.

Phainon looked at her carefully. He knew her too well to believe such an excuse.

- You’ve been feeling this way for a few days now, - he reminded her, brushing a strand of hair from her face. - Tired, nauseous…

He paused for a moment, analyzing the situation, and then his eyes widened in guess. He slowly moved his gaze to her stomach, then back to her face.

- You… - He found himself unable to find the words. -It’s not a disease, right?

She bit her lip again, but this time a slight smile flickered in her eyes.

- I think I’m pregnant.

Phainon froze. Dozens of thoughts flashed through his head. He was the hero of Amphoraeus, a warrior accustomed to battles, strategy, calculating his every move. But now he felt lost, as if a new, unknown universe had opened up before him.

- Are you sure? - He could hear his voice shaking, not from fear, but from the emotions that were overwhelming him.

- Almost, - she nodded. - But all the signs…

Phainon exhaled, closing his eyes. Then, unable to restrain himself, he suddenly laughed. A low, warm laugh filled the room, and then he abruptly lifted his wife into his arms, spinning her around despite her quiet protest.

- Phaenon! - she cried, but he had already buried his nose in her hair, whispering something incoherent. He was happy. So happy that he couldn’t put it into words. He held her close, as if he was afraid that this would be a dream.

- You will give me a child, - he finally said, slowly lowering her back to the floor. There was so much tenderness in his eyes that she blushed.

- Our child, - she corrected, smiling.

He gently ran his hand over her belly, aware of the new life being born there. Their child. Their future. Phainon was not a man who lost his temper easily, but now he felt his heart about to explode with emotion.

- I will take care of you, - he promised, touching his lips to her forehead. - Both of you.

And in that moment, he knew his whole life had changed. But he was ready for it.

[brujaluas]

what is this person thinking about you right now?

pile 1

Well, everything seemed to be fine in the relationship between you, but it's as if you had had some kind of disagreement, breakup or separation, a fight, a disagreement that was quite cutting, like it wasn't just any fight, but you got back together (or will get back together) to talk, to reconnect. This person currently sees you as someone who is worth forgetting their pride and going after, even if they think they're right in a situation, this person appreciates your company too much to let themselves get carried away by a disagreement like that. They see how a prosperous person is. If it's someone you have romantic feelings for, this person sees you as a material wife/husband, wants to have children with you. If it's not something romantic, this person may want to build something more structured. Also, after the breakup that you had, this person is learning more about themselves so that this doesn't happen again.

pile 2

"sweet as bile" I see a painful relationship but at the same time both of you like it, it's as if you were addicted to a poison, and it's a toxic relationship on both sides, it's like two puzzles that don't fit together at all but force each other to fit together, even if they have to mold themselves again. There was an intrigue, a sharp conversation, an abnormal toxicity between you, a fight due to jealousy, possessiveness or envy or one of you became very aggressive after feeling jealous/possessive towards someone or a situation. This person was very disillusioned, thinking and thinking, listening to songs about disillusionment and thinking about it, it reminds me of the song "White Mustang" by Lana Del Rey, there's even a pun in the song where she says White Mustang but you can also understand "Why am I standing?", which I think fits this situation perfectly. This person is thinking about moving on, or taking a break, traveling, meeting new people, letting go of yourself a little.

pile 3

You may have been apart or fighting for a while, or simply very reactive with each other. like, in those relationships where a simple sentence can cause a huge fight, but you found or will find a way to be okay again, this improvement that you will have, will be when you are apart, after this improvement, you will go back to talking and going out but things will get weird again, and I feel like you both came to the conclusion that it is better to stay away from each other.

[avelera]

Do you have any tips in how not to end up with Therapy Speak? I had the immense luck to be diagnosed very early (sarcasm) and so was in therapy pretty much my entire life, which means that Therapy Speak is very natural to me and I struggle with thinking into how normal people would speak about this.

(I started writing one version of my answer and it got REALLY LONG so I'm going to try to keep it high level this time lol even if it is still pretty long)

Really, this question comes down in general to, "How to write realistic dialogue," on the one hand but also, "How to write dialogue that propels my story," on the other.

And let me just level-set by saying how I view "therapy speak" when I discuss it here. I see therapy speak as:

A character using clinical terms to describe their state of mind, emotions, or reasons for certain kind of reactions. E.g. "depression" "anxiety" "overwhelm" etc.

A character exploring their emotions in a clinically-aided manner during conversations and/or to resolve interpersonal conflicts or perceived misunderstandings. E.g. "Sorry I lashed out at you yesterday, my anxiety got the better of me but you didn't deserve that. I'm sorry."

1 ) Consider your setting and characters.

A Medieval Knight Would Not Say That. <- This is a basic tip and I think an obvious one. If your character doesn't live in a time period or world with access to or knowledge of therapy or good mental health practices, it will take your reader out of the story if they suddenly bust out with, "Sorry I overreacted yesterday, I was feeling overwhelmed because of my anxiety."

Frankly, if a story is set anywhere that isn't after the 2010s in certain therapy-friendly population centers in the US, for example, (the US is pretty unique in its widespread access and favorableness to therapy, even compared to Europe and Asia let alone other parts of the world), therapy would still be rare enough that you'd need to tell my how and why this person had access to it and how and why they expect the person they're talking to to also be versed in this sort of framing of conflict resolution or self reflection.

That said, there's still a lot of places in the world and a LOT of demographics where access to therapy or even exposure to it enough to have an understanding of it is pretty rare and even in the US it's very determined by demographics. For example, a 50 year old male school teacher might be open to it, but a 50 year old male truck driver might look at you like you have two heads if you suddenly start talking about your feelings to them in an open and clinical manner.

Then again, real people are varied and nuanced so it's perfectly possible that your grizzled 50 year old truck driver might be binging self-help podcasts on his long drives and be surprisingly very well versed! It could be a really delightful story beat, but you do have to kinda explain to me as the audience how he came across this knowledge since it would be unexpected for him to have it.

Now, this is not to say that no one outside of those exposed to therapy speak has any exposure to introspection or access to their emotions. But, they might not be armed with the clinical terms or techniques.

2 ) Consider what people would say instead.

And when considering what someone would say, consider:

Do they have the clinical terminology to describe what they're feeling?

Do they have the tools to manage their emotions even if they don't have the terminology?

Do they have the tools, terminology, or even the interest in resolving the conflict?

"I'm having a panic attack!" -> "I feel like a giant fist has closed around my lungs, I can't seem to breathe!" - This could be something said by someone who can describe the feelings of a panic attack but doesn't have the knowledge or tools to know what they're experiencing. This could be a Medieval knight speaking or even a totally modern person who doesn't know what a panic attack is or can't believe that a panic attack could happen to them.

Note 1: If you're writing a period piece, plenty of other eras had ways of describing certain feelings, so a Victorian era person might say "melancholia" and mean clinical depression, or a Medieval person could be bipolar and think, idk, maybe that they're possessed or bedeviled by demons. You should inquire into the tools people would have at their disposal, even if they're inaccurate to our modern understanding.

Note 2: Even when people know about clinical terms they might be unable or unwilling to admit clinical things can happen to them. Admitting you have, say, clinical depression can be very scary for people. It could represent a huge change in their life or their self-perception. So they might say something like, "I don't know, I've just been in a very dark place for months and months now." They might be scared to admit this to anyone at all, not unless it's someone they really trust, and even if they trust this person, they might still lash out if they're told, "Uh, buddy, that's depression. You need help." because of what a big shift this might represent to their self-perception. People don't like to hear there's something "wrong" with them or admit it to themselves. Hence, they might be reluctant to admit this at all or if they do, they might downplay it.

"Sorry I lashed out at you, I was overwhelmed and I took it out on you and that wasn't fair." -> "I don't know, it just felt like everything you said kept pissing me off and now I'm pissed off that I yelled at you when it wasn't your fault, which pisses me off even more!" -> This could be someone who doesn't understand the clinical terms AND doesn't have tools to manage their emotions but DOES have an interest in resolving the issue with the other person, albeit not in the calmest manner. This might apply to, say, an angry anime protagonist lol.

"You're the most beautiful girl in the class and I'm not sure if I want you or want to be you, but I haven't come out yet to anyone including myself, so all I have inside me are these big confusing emotions of desire and fear and admiration all mixed together, leaving me unsure of what to do or how I feel about you. I just wish these feelings would go away somehow." -> *Passes crush a note that says*,"Get the hell out of my class!" -> This could be someone who doesn't understand their emotions, doesn't have the tools to express them AND doesn't have an interest in resolving the conflict in a constructive way.

3 ) Consider if resolving the conflict constructively is even good for the story you want to tell.

Stories thrive on conflict. Conflict doesn't need to mean interpersonal drama or screaming arguments or saving the world. But two people sitting down and hashing out all their emotions can act as the climax of the story, in that it resolves and airs out a lot of the simmering tension that could be otherwise used to propel a story further.

For example, a "will they/won't they" love story is resolved when two characters sit down and hash out that they have feelings for each other. That could mark the end of the story entirely. If you feel you've written yourself into a corner, maybe it's because the characters used therapy speak to get everything out there in a constructive way too clearly or too soon and now you've written yourself into a corner if you wanted the story to continue.

(Of course, infinite variations are possible. You could have two characters thoughtfully work out that they DON'T have feelings for each other, only for one to walk away and realize they DO have feelings and now they're worried about revealing those because the other person just laid out so thoughtfully and rationally that they don't have feelings back. Just because people DO communicate doesn't mean the situation can't CHANGE.)

But in order to have characters realistically hold things back, you need to think about the other pressures there might be in their life that would keep two people from sitting down and hashing out every little nook and cranny of thoughts and feelings they might have.

For example, pride or fear - society tends to look down on people, especially male-socialized people, when it comes to openly expressing their emotions. (Or, if you want to divorce it from gendered considerations, let's say a warrior society might or might not be ok with free expressions of emotion that might be considered "weakness".)

Even crying during moments of horrible pain or stress can and has been a source of mockery for many men (and women!), so they could very likely have been socialized out of openly expressing emotions that make them feel vulnerable as a matter of maintaining their pride.

Even if they want to express those emotions, they might fear the negative reaction of the person they're talking to (who could tell them to "stop being a baby!" or "man up!" or "go cry somewhere else!" etc.). This can be especially true for big moments of self-reflection like coming out, or expressing romantic feelings for someone, or expressing that they've been struggling with and masking negative emotions for a long time and are reaching a desperate limit. These are things that can change other people's perspective of you, not always for the better, and the fear of that can prevent people from being open about their feelings.

Personal Note: Too often in fanfic-land, I see fics always coming down on the side of "These fears were silly, the person they're talking to was always going to be understanding and accepting!" which isn't reflective of the real world! Sometimes people, even well-meaning people, might be put off by powerful displays of emotion, or not interested in a relationship through no fault of their own and it DOES make it weird if a friend confesses feelings, and then sometimes people aren't well meaning!

It can be refreshing to see a story that expresses that sometimes these fears of being open and honest about big emotions are valid. Not all family members are cool and understanding about coming out (unless that's the catharsis your story is going for!). Not all people are ok with having someone confess their love for them. Not all people are comfortable with a friend or a comrade in arms saying they're coming close to cracking under the strain.

So these are valid, real life fears, that can serve as valid, real life barriers for why people might not open up to another person and lay out everything they're thinking and feeling as if this person is their therapist.

Generally speaking, the best stories (to me) are the ones that give multiple in-universe reasons why someone doesn't tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth in an open, rational, and clinical manner about how they're feeling. The more outside pressures you can layer on, the less visible the hand of the author is, the better. For example:

Time - the characters didn't have time for a long sit down about their feelings. The world is ending/ the big THING is about to happen soon .They had to make the conversation brief.

Not wanting to lose a friendship - Sure, being in a relationship would be great, but losing the friendship if the love confession makes things weird would be terrible.

Not wanting to lose the position/prestige/job you wanted - a warrior or even an office worker might be cracking under the strain of their mental health, but if they ask for help, they could be fired, or shunned, or removed from the mission. They want to keep their position more than they want help, so they'll speak in circles around or minimize the struggles they're facing.

Other stuff gets in the way - when the world is ending or the external events are piling up, it might just not be the right time or place to discuss your innermost feelings. It might be inappropriate to do so if other people are suffering or even dying all around you. Heck, admitting you feel depressed when the person you're talking to just lost a loved one and is in an even darker place might feel deeply inappropriate. So if you've got a lot of characters running around dealing with a LOT of events, sitting down for a therapy-speak conversation might even feel ludicrous to indulge in as many people tend to put their emotions and wellbeing pretty far down on the list of important things to deal with, especially if they haven't been trained or socialized to prioritize them.

Without getting into a more specific story it's hard to give more specific advice. And there's the eternal caveat to all of this that sometimes an open conversation about emotions that is aimed at resolving a conflict or misunderstanding is the point of a story, especially in fanfic which often likes to explore things that canon doesn't do.

Everything should, in the end, be in service to the story you want to tell. This is just my view on some things to think about when trying to write more realistic dialogue. And of course, as always, when in doubt about dialogue, listen to real people and read your dialogue aloud to see if it sounds natural, if natural dialogue is your goal.

[mysteryanimator]

Breaking down Castlevania Nocturne Season 02 - Episode 08 “The Devil is Easy to Cheat” Almost Shot-By-Shot

Previous shot analyses: S01E04 - Bedroom scene / S01E06 - Gulity Men to be Judged / S01 E08 -Breakup

Word count: 8.2k (I'm sorry it keeps getting longer)

We have returned once again to “mystery uses their media production and analysis skills, along with their hyperfixation on storyboards to talk about gay vampires, their other hyperfixation”.

For people new to my breakdowns:

If I skip any shots, its because I'm limited to a 30-image limit and some parts just won't have images BUT I will try my best!

I highly advise you to rewatch Nocturne after reading this and make your own thoughts because while this is an analysis, it also comes through my own lens. How you engage with media will be very different to me, however, there are principles that are followed to elicit certain types of emotions from an overall perspective. I'm here to break down those film codes and artistic principles :D I will be drawing over some of them, while others will be moving.

These are just observations based on my background in media production and analysis (I’ve been out of the field for a bit but trying to strengthen it back since it is important for storyboarding). Despite all of that, this is for fun, which is why I will be writing a lot more casually (which therefore specific interpretations may bleed through), so please don't take this too seriously! This not only helps me out as a student to become aware of how stories are put together and, in turn, how to apply them and make my own. It also allows me to impart that excitement to you and helps everyone to understand why they might be so drawn to a particular scenes (me included)! Shot choices matter, especially when you have only 12 episodes, a deadline, a budget, asset restrictions, and so on. It all has to count. Everything matters.

Passionate creatives care and there is more than "the curtain is blue just because." The times when things slip under the radar and are put there just because are mostly due to executive decisions, budget restrictions, deadlines and a lot more that we don't get to see from an audience perspective. I think in this day and age, people do forget about how intentional the media they consume is and Castlevania is choked full of carefully curated scenes.

With that out of the way, let's talk about gay vampires !!!

[Can't believe we're starting with no image. I can't show it due to image limits, I'm saving them for other scenes. Feel free to follow along on Netflix!]

After Edouard and Annette's conversation, we have shots of buildings. This is to establish a jump in time and a new scene occurring! Showcasing this large building is important because we cut to Olrox carrying Mizrak after this, and once you mentally pair that with this large building, it'll sink in that Olrox has been walking with Mizrak in his arms for a while now. We do not know what happened from the time we saw Mizrak walking side by side with Olrox to now, but we know he's getting worse for wear.

Then we get a close-up of a window!! Mizrak and Olrox scenes in season 01 were either introduced through pulled-out establishing shots that contained a lot of greenery (the courtyard in ep 03 / the breakup hill in ep 08) OR via windows of the inn. This gets continued here.

We get candles too and fire symbolizes life and we've already had Olrox state how his previous lover "burned with such passion". These candles supernaturally light up, which builds to foreshadow the transformation Mizrak will have as he goes from dying to being "alive" through supernatural means.

The following midshot purposefully cuts off their faces to continue to build suspense. Having a lack of face means we're unable to connect to them which is intentional. It makes us yearn to connect deeper because we can clearly see something is absolutely wrong. Mizrak isn't walking. This is super uncharacteristic of Mizrak and doesn't align with what we saw last.

[omg yay an image]

This is a midshot in which the camera moves from top to bottom/bottom to top. This type of camera movement is called a pedestal, though I have seen it be called a boom/jib. For any general camera movements, whether that be the aforementioned pedestal or a pan, the camera has to be motivated by something in the scene to move in that direction. So what is the motivator for this specific camera movement in this shot? The order of who we see in the shot.

It begins with Mizrak because now we finally have a clear view of him and he practically encompasses most of the screen because he's horizontal and how we view shows is with a landscape screen. Immediately the first half of this shot tells us two things. It's Mizrak and Mizrak is dying. It's something we need to immediately pick up on because the camera begins to move up. After all, a particular face is cut off. It's Olrox's. The second part of this shot has us reveal it is Olrox who is carrying Mizrak and what expression he's making. Dividing up our focus and moving the camera makes it less overwhelming to us as an audience to engage with this scene because it lets us focus on one thing at a time and builds up a shock factor. This is helped by the fact that the first focus point is horizontal, then when the camera moves up to shift focus, Olrox is dead center vertical.

This also feels like a reference to La Pietà. It is a sculpture of Jesus and Mary depicting the Seven Sorrows of the Virgin Mary. La Pietà depicts the sixth, John 19:39-40. Jesus is being taken down from the cross and put into Mary's arms. While the death is over, Mary still grieves the loss of her son. What follows after this is the seventh sorrow as she watches Christ's burial waiting for his resurrection which feels very in line with what's happening right now.

[no image my bad sorry for the long wall of text]

Next, we have an extreme close-up of Olrox's eyes.

Eyes are a massive thing within this scene alone, and this shot here helps to establish his current thoughts and feelings because they take Olrox's eyes away after this. We no longer become privy to his inner world. Eyes are by far one of the easiest tells of a character and their current thoughts. Eyes are the window to the soul. Mizrak also in previous scenes has a ton of focus and close-ups of his eyes because he is such a guarded character but his eyes do tend to betray him. The exact same thing can be said for Olrox (his eyes betray him with Drolta when he lies about not seeing Belmont and co, won't lie, it's really funny).

One thing to note is the asymmetry of his hair, which never usually falls in front of his face. This is where I bring your attention in season 02, Drolta and Ezerbet questioned what Olrox has sacrificed. What or who he would die for. His hair has fallen in front of his face VERY MESSYILY in that instance as he looks down in deep thought. While there are other instances of his hair in front of his face, the example I brought up is personally the strongest call back (however I can be totally wrong and there can be more!)

Not only big wide expansive shots are used to establish new locations, close-ups do! They're usually always followed up by much wider shots, however. The purpose here is to show Olrox entering a new location, and moving from the hallway to the bedroom. This is super important to establish because this is the final leg of the journey they both have to traverse. We need to see them get from point A to point B or else it does not feel as impactful. The silent moments matter heavily for this type of scene because they say a lot.

Also, I'm a sucker for these types of compositions/lighting, it's actually one of my favorite shots in this scene. The doorway literally frames Olrox into a box and it keeps him centered in the shot. As he walks through, it is purposefully dark around him and the only light that peeks through is from behind. Backlighting a character not only helps to distinctly separate the character from the background, it often gives a halo effect which is associated with the divine and otherworldly. It can establish how powerful a character is. HOWEVER, Olrox is walking Mizrak away from the light, which can further strengthen Mizrak's descent into vampirism as it can be considered turning away from God due to the inability to accept human ailments and death.

This is a wide shot to establish the interior we're in. It's absolutely used to contrast the much smaller inn room in season 01 episode 03. The beginning of their relationship versus the end. The camera here uses a truck movement (the camera moving side to side, in this case, left to right). Its intention is to follow Olrox and draw our eye towards the bed in this scene, as this is where the rest of the scene will take place.

Now, if you’ve read my previous analyses, you will know how much talk about Olrox holding Mizrak from behind. It’s a key characteristic, it is so important to see their mental states as characters.

Olrox right now is holding Mizrak from behind. Except this time, Mizrak is accepting it.

The first time Olrox holds Mizrak from behind is he tries to persuade him out of death. The second (and third) time Olrox holds Mizrak from behind is to forcibly tear him away from death. This is the last time Olrox holds him from behind because he’s actively dying. though in this instance, instead of persuading or forcibly trying to pull him away from death- it’s him ending up gently carrying him away from death. Or one could even argue, that Olrox is actually gently taking Mizrak towards his death instead of preventing it. Death to his human self and his man-made chains.

While Mizrak never explicitly states “yes bite me turn me into a vampire”, and the room for ambiguity is there, there is an acceptance from Mizrak that begins the moment we see him in Olrox’s arms. Time and time again, we have seen Mizrak constantly fighting against Olrox, either by physically pulling away or saying the most horrific things known to man. This is entirely different. He’s being carried the ENTIRE WAY to the bed without fighting Olrox. His posture is a lot more open and exposed towards Olrox. He in this moment is giving himself up to him.

Why another wide shot? For the boxes lets gooo, Myst loves boxes and frames.

This shot uses the setting to frame Olrox and Mizrak. The bedframe acts to box them in and create a small space just for the two of them outside the view of anyone else. The background behind them showcases the hallway Olrox traversed and its length emphasizes the distance Olrox has been walking just for Mizrak to lay and rest.

By the way, why I'm wording what Mizrak tells Olrox as a confession later in this analysis is because of this shot. This deeply reminds me of the Anglo-Catholic practice of private confessionals. It feels like Olrox is here as a higher judgment, sitting and listening to Mizrak's confession of penitent. The boxing-in of the shots and how private it is begins to deeply feel like a confessional.

A close-up! While an extreme close-up is where the creative behind the shot forces you to focus on one thing, a normal close-up is usually aimed at the face and intended to communicate what the character is feeling or their current headspace with a whole facial performance. So, as you could probably surmise from this shot, what the artist intends to communicate a few things:

Olrox putting him down (neck area)

Mizrak breathing raggedly (mouth)

Mizrak opened his eyes to look at Olrox (top of face)

Mizrak is SO GREY, he lacks proper colour (overall face)

So for all of that to be seen, a close-up is needed.

Ok, why punch into an extreme close-up here if we already have a close-up of Mizrak in the exact same pose? This one solely focuses on his eyes. As I stated with Olrox's eye close-up, eyes are a massive thing in this wholeee section, so now it's Mizrak's turn for a eye close-up. Especially since for the remainder for this, Olrox does not show his face and Mizrak basically communicates for the both of them. The way Mizrak talks and looks at Olrox is an indication of how Olrox could be feeling.

Also, how can you not have an eye shot paired with the line "You've seen the devil, then, waiting for me." This falls into place really well.

This midshot does a lot of things, more importantly, it establishes where characters are in the scene because, for the rest of this entire section, it is basically all close-ups. This helps to ground where everything is because later on, Mizrak gets panicked. In turn, the camera and timing match that, therefore we can begin to lose our sense of where we are WHICH is a good thing to sell that idea, however, we need to establish where everything is before that is done.

This also establishes Olrox is just never going to be showing his face until the very end because now the camera has locked itself to this side of the characters.

Another thing is also how Mizrak's wound is practically in the middle of the shot. It is more clearly obvious that the wound is straight in the middle of where the cross is on his uniform. Mizrak in a funny not so funny way, is being martyred. He is dying refusing to give up his faith or beliefs. While he is defined by his religion because that's a core aspect of his character, he actually mostly believes in the people. He believes and cares strongly for characters like Maria who neither of them politically align together, but he makes sure she gets to her house. He wants her safe.

This midshot is very important because while Olrox's face is purposefully obscured, Mizrak's face never does. What's interesting is that Mizrak is looking directly at Olrox as he braves his confession of weakness. Not only is Mizrak's eyeline just up toward him, but Olrox's body is just purposefully included in this shot. When Mizrak continues to confess his fears further into this scene, in the back of our minds we have the fact Olrox is intently listening the entire time even though he is shunning himself away from the audience. For the next three shots, he literally disappears from the audience's perspective, but not from Mizrak's eye line. His current expression when listening to him is literally just for Mizrak to know.

These are all extreme close-ups! The purpose of this is to directly have you focused a very specific reaction and emotion! The main focus of the first shot is to solely focus on Mizrak's eyes looking directly at Olrox, then him looking down and away from his face before getting scared literally the moment his eyes move off him and he looks back up at him. Multiple different reads of the situation can be applied here since why Mizrak looks down is not exactly stated to us. One thing I will say is that what motivates a character to move their eyes down another character's body is to literally check their body, either for attraction or concern.

Mizrak is dying here though. Why does his eyes drop? It can be for a multitude of different reason but the most likely is the self-actualisation of the eternity of torment.

What's important too is that in the second shot, Mizrak's hand shakes before stopping. We need to see that. Especially paired with that specific line because his shakes stop after saying "no release", which is basically a visual contradiction. Having something visually stop while having a dialogue about unending pain and suffering. To me personally, this hand movement can read as two things, though there are definitely more interpretations, these are my two takes based on different focuses.

Tremors are caused by fear, but he however can control them which is why it stops. This is his last attempt to feel like he has control over his situation. This is based off the fact the line contradicts the action taking place.

This isn't him shaking, this is him fighting himself to reach out to Olrox physically. His hands can be read as clenching and unclenching rather than tremors. This is based off the idea of how visually Mizrak is alone in these shots and Olrox's presence in a is absent (but can be sensed he is outside of our line of sight).

Hey so, fun fact, this has happened before. Extreme close up of hands/eyes whilst they talk about demons/hell. BOTH SIDE PROFILE TOO.

Again, hands and eyes are key indicators of how characters can feel in the moment, and the character Mizrak uses this to great effect since it pairs very well with his guarded persona.

Also oh my god look at him being so full of colour compared to now.

A close-up! It is probably one of the most vital shots in this entire sequence (alongside Olrox's iconic line). Mizrak cries A LOT in this season, but here, he purposefully doesn't try to hide or turn away- he admits this while staring directly at him.

An important detail is that his dialogue of torture and agony are all solo shots. Alone. This is on purpose. This confession of fear is also visually alone, but he calls out to Olrox by name in this solo shot. What this does is that it gives permission for Olrox to re-enter the scene, hell, you could argue Mizrak is begging Olrox to re-enter the scene. Technically, Olrox has not left the scene because Mizrak stares at him the entire time during his confession, but Olrox has left the audience's line of sight, which makes Mizrak's shots feel that much more isolated and alone.

This is a personal take, but it also has evidence. This is one of the bravest things Mizrak has said thus far in the entire series. His bravery and strength should not be measured by running into battle to protect the ones who cannot protect themselves- his measure of courage and strength lies in being vulnerable and admitting weakness. I actually discussed it in my season 01 - episode 04 analysis, so the groundwork for shielding vulnerability only for it to be opened up has been there from the very beginning. There is build-up and now it's being released all in one go, which is really interesting considering the fact Mizrak talks about agony upon agony with no release, but here, he's releasing all of his emotions.

Mizrak has also said Olrox’s name about three times now. That is the exact amount Olrox said Mizrak’s name in the last season. Funnily enough if you squint hard enough they can be call and responses to each other.

S01E03 - “Has the world abandoned you, Mizrak?”

S02E04 - “I’ve seen enough too, Olrox.” (girl what have you seen please tell us)

S01E06 - “Of course not Mizrak, I’m not in love with you.”

S02E05 - “If you do have soul Olrox, and maybe you do. I hope it finds peace.”

S01E08 - “I don’t want you to die, Mizrak.”

S02E08 - “I’m afraid, Olrox.”

In any visual entertainment medium, repetition comes in threes so something has to happen after this, which we'll get to very shortly (it's the "my love" part).

This close-up of Olrox is used to slow down the scene and break the tension caused by Mizrak's scenes. It's utterly silent, a complete contrast to the panic and the wordy confession by Mizrak.

What this shot does is help build anticipation for him to share the screen space with Mizrak as he lowers himself in this shot. We're also not privy to his face. This also builds up the anticipation of seeing his face later on and really hammers that impact.

This shot is very important as it reintroduces Olrox to be in the same visual space as Mizrak and this is the very first thing he does.

When reintroducing Olrox back in, two new things are introduced. Well more so not new things, two pre-existing motifs/concepts get elevated.

Hands. This is not new, hell, Olrox holding Mizrak is by far not a new thing and it is one of the key visual characteristics of their dynamic, hand-holding however, is definitely new.

"My love", is absolutely very new, but of course it is a replacement for Mizrak. Mizrak's name gets elevated to my love.

What's also very interesting is how pulled out this shot is. This is important however as two different elements are here to strengthen this shot.

Mizrak's entire dagger is in this shot. A weapon of violence is here to contrast the gentle nature of Olrox reaching for Mizrak's hand. The matter of fact that the dagger is placed in this shot BUT lacks any very heavy visual weight implies how any agony, torture, or violence is currently being subsided as Olrox's hand is in front of it.

The bed sheet takes up a major part of the lower thirds of this shot. Take notice of it's colour and pattern. I do go over it in my mindless talks about the Nocturne eye colour analysis, but I'll reword it to fit the context of this scene in particular.

Olrox is coded purple and green. Not only in his character design, but in the locations he's often put in. If you think back to every single space Olrox has shared with Mizrak they are all green. Mostly grassy outdoor environments, however, if they are not outside, the inn is very naturalistic in colour and framing like nature itself. This showcases where Olrox is compared to Mizrak in a power dynamic. Mizrak just does not have any strong vibrant colours to define him that aren't monochromatic or brown, but that's kind of the whole point of his character. This just easily allows for when he shares a space with Olrox, the green and any other vibrant colour to overwhelm Mizrak, and in a funny way, make Mizrak stand out very oddly because Mizrak isn't visually a vibrant character.

So this one shot, it basically informs us how Olrox is wrapped around Mizrak and is not willing to let go.

This is shot is so impactfullllllll, the build up to this is soooo good.

This is a close-up shot, what's important though is how much Olrox visually takes up screen space-wise, completely contrasting the previous shot. Especially since this is the first time we haven't seen his face in a while. This shot chooses to specifically focus on Olrox's eyes and mouth. This builds to anticipate what is to come and have us on the edge of our seats, questioning if Olrox is going to actually bite Mizrak. The closeness of the shot too makes this scene very intimate to continue this more romantic, yet still dark atmosphere going on.

Also what's important to mention again is Olrox's hair strands, which is used to block and frame this shot. In a sense, it makes the shot that much more suffocating and close in. While Olrox does not show any panic or fear emotionally, simply because Olrox is trying to comfort Mizrak, this feels like Olrox is in fear. By having this line paired with a close-up of Olrox only, it makes it feel like Olrox is locked to the one sole option. His sole decision. He's currently not going to be taking any other suggestions because how can he? Mizrak admitted his fear of death/hell, and by no means Olrox is giving into Mephistopheles/Old Man Coyote.

What choice does he have? He has no other choice... right?

The theme of choices is a massive thing in Nocturne Season 01. Olrox's first appearance in the show is with him says "don't listen to her, there is always a choice". Olrox is the one to introduce this theme of choices, but here now, Olrox is backed into a corner with no other choice.

[No image sorry]

Next we have a close-up of Mizrak's eyes.

While this will not be the last we ever see of Mizrak's eyes since we have another shot, his eyes are important. This reaction is important. We need the pause for the gasp and his shock. What's important is that his eyes do all the talking which in my mind is much more powerful as it communicates ten different billion things and leaves it up to the audience's interpretation of how to engage with this scene.

However, the most important takeaway for everyone is that we have to see Mizrak be shocked.

This is important because of course, a close-up of the mouth is there to state how Olrox is going to bite him, therefore you need to put a lot of emphasis on that to really hammer it in, but the focus of the mouth moves. It does not move with Olrox however, Olrox moves himself and out of the camera. This puts emphasis on his descent, really building for that anticipation of the bite but it gives us one last tiny glance at Olrox's mental headspace before the bite.

It is so brief, but we see his eye and that's important. You don't include anything that isn't important because this is a serialised animated series, you're not going to spend additional time on something that lacks importance (I think, this is me guessing I can be so wrong here). Also, his eyes are green they're going to stand out against black and brown. His eyebrow is upturned and his eye, from what i can personally read, is far more gentler than his previous shot.

(i won't lie, seeing this loop is very funny to me)

Another close up and this is the final time we see Mizrak's very brown human irises. This is the last thing we see of his humanity. This is animation, so it's important to capture Mizrak's face before the bite, Mizrak's initial shock of pain and some sort of acceptance as his irises settle back to normal size before closing them with tears. Honestly, it's better to just click through it on Netflix frame by frame if you really want to see the arcs Mizrak goes through in this one shot, its very cool to see him go through all these phases in a short amount of time. While nothing is stated outright for the morally grey area which is on purpose. It builds off the whole conversation from the season 01 episode 06.

Mizrak: And you did that to him? Did you even ask for permission?

Olrox: I was in love with him, I wanted him to be with me forever.

Mizrak: And is that what you have planned for me?

Olrox: Of course not, Mizrak. I'm not in love with you.

This leads to one of two outcomes for the future. Either Olrox repeating a cycle beat for beat, or Olrox trying to fix previous mistakes in a "what would I do differently if I went through this again." Both come from his survivor's guilt. This will be explored further in season 03 (please I need it so bad) in a much more complicated nuanced way because this is Mizrak we're talking about. Despite him having overlapping traits with Olrox's previous lover, he is also the very opposite of him (that we know of since we can gather Mizrak is so self-loathing, while Olrox's previous lover embraced his connection to the land and fought for the rights of his people, so we can make the assumption that he embraced his whole identity).

This mid-shot paired with another pedestal camera move! The camera is motivated to move up so it can showcase the new character positions in the location, Mizrak's hand placement, Olrox's arm and of course the biteeee, followed by Mizrak's expression. It's staggered one after the other.

One thing you must notice is Mizrak putting a hand on Olrox's elbow (this gif makes it so hard to see, this is me asking you to rewatch it on Netflix for a better view) which can imply acceptance of vampirism. It's animated intentionally. Again, nothing is stated outright, but also media is kind of boring to engage in if you spell it out verbally. What's the point of a visual medium without using visuals to a storyyyy. It also just gives autonomy to the audience to come to their own conclusions which is also more fun. The lack of a spelled-out answer makes us more engaged as an audience.

Then we get a fade to blackkkkkkk~

While this is mostly just to symbolize the end of a scene, in a lot of other media, fade to black is used to cut away from sexually intimate scenes which is funny knowing that context.

What's fun is that this scene is supposed to run parallel with Richter and Annette's scene kissing (I'm not sure, there could been a stronger scene to parallel this, I just know in my soul of them is supposed to go in line with a Richter/Annette scene). One character takes care of their partner's aliments and sharing an intimate moment together. Whilst they are definitely not one-for-one, these two couples are supposed to show different aspects of love as this entire series, both the original and Nocturne, have very strong themes of love in it. This also just allows for whatever they have planned for season 03 to make them still feel closely tied even if they're literally doing completely different things.

Ok we are done with this sequence, time to jump to the spicy one!

This is our establishing shot for the scene. Curtains. A window. Through both season 01 and season 02, we’ve been getting so many cues about Olrox and Mizrak’s association with windows and curtains. Also, the last time we saw curtains as an establishing shot for Mizrak/Olrox, they were naked. This builds off our previous expectations.

Also, this is super vertical and red. This will be VERY IMPORTANT LATER. Greenish yellow curtains were used to represent Olrox, but this is red.

We jump to pedestal midshot, which just gives us a lot of questions. Where's Mizrak? WHY IS HIS SHIRT OPEN? WHY IS HE LAYING LIKE THAT? NEW CLOTHES??? WHAT'S GOING ON??? That's all intentional because we don't have any setting establishing shots and therefore it feels disorientating on purpose. It forces us into questioning mode. We can only presume we're in the same location due to the bed and camera angle feeling the exact same as where we left off in their previous scene together, but that's all we get.

Pedestal camera movements also just happen a ton in this sequence simply because Mizrak's reveal is all ton in pedestals and it complements nicely with the fabric falling down, so setting up the movement early helps ease it in.

This shot can also totally parallel season 01 episode 04 where Olrox turns to look at Mizrak leaving the bed since both of those shots are framed above Olrox. This can also totally parallel Olrox killing Julia as his hair is in a circular motion in a similar shape to the blood.

@ifishouldvanish did an amazing breakdown of this and for the life of me I cannot find it, but once that's found I'll link it here, in a sense it's basically offering his blood up to Mizrak here.

EDIT: Thank you Vanish for sharing it! This comments the Olrox/Julia parallel along with discussing the Quetzalcoatl and how they overlap with what's occurring in this scene! You can read it here!

We cut into this close-up! The main thing here is directing our eye-line to stay on the left of the screen and build anticipation for Mizrak's face. Every single shot's aim is mostly for that build-up for that pay off.

Close-ups, as I've stated before, are used mainly to see an emotional performance from the character and therefore personally connect to their feelings. This however, which I will be personally honest, is so hard to read but I feel that's on purpose to give into the ambiguity aspect of not only the scene but also of Olrox as a character. Both Olrox and Mizrak are expressive and extremely very guarded, so it definitely leans into that. It also gives the audience the autonomy to come to their own conclusions. Like this can read as a very gentle smile, it can read as a subdued concerned look- it's your interpretation and how you personally engage with this entire sequence. It allows the ending to be a lot more open-ended.

This longshot! It gives more of the background to establish where characters are in the scene but do notice how things seem different now. Notice the colours in this shot. We're introducing Mizrak's new colour motif. It practically dominates the entire scene, even if Olrox's eyes glow bright green. Not only this, this shot builds up for the anticipation of Mizrak's vampire transformation reveal as all the red fabric drapes down in an almost waterfall/dripping way akin to blood.

We also begin to have the fabric move down, bleeding into other shots to stitch them cohesively together (that pun was intended).

Also, this is super intentional again, but Olrox is boxed/framed by the bed with very harsh lines and rectangles. This deeply contrasts Mizrak's shots because Mizrak doesn't visually get confined by the background due to all the drapery and the blurred background. He is also associated with vertical organic lines. This creates a deep separation between these two characters, giving us suspense and tension because there's a clear disparity between them.

Woo! A midshot! This shot feels so long and so short in timing.

This is super vertical. This shot is 90% made of vertical lines, which brings a ton of focus toward Mizrak's back and the drapery because they're the only two things that are not vertical.

The drapery here is basically a curtain unveiling the main piece. This is Mizrak's rebirth, he has transformed. This is coupled with artistic nudity as nudity isn't inherently sexual and represents the form in its barest sense. You could even say it's religiously coded.

Also in general, if you put anything on the very edge of your shot visually, it creates unease so if you put something as bright as light on the very edge, it makes your shot unbalanced. This is done on purpose. The dark aspect of this shot is literally all-consuming and makes the left heavy focus feel more menacing because there's so much empty dark space.

This mid-shot is paired with a pedestal camera move! The camera is motivated to move in an up/down position due to the last shot having the robe fabric around him move down as a reveal, therefore continuing that movement here to continue the reveal of Mizrak’s transformation. While yes "teehee look at his chest awooga", rightfully so, me too, you notice the blood and wound are absent. Mizrak looks strong and healthy. The pedestal camera movement is used to great effect again because the first thing you're focused on is his chest, then it moves up and you see the bite marks and the ear. Information is slowly given to us.

I'm putting my case down that this shot is a callback to Season 01 Episode 03, in which Olrox peers outside the window of his inn room. They both have this same forlorn look as they look out.

This cut to a close-up and having Mizrak switch up is fucking terrifying. This is because the background is completely blurred to give Mizrak the center stage. The background is completely separate to him, he doesn't feel grounded to it as if he's popping out of the screen. His eyeline is directly at US, the audience.

When Mizrak turns, his eyes glow bright red. We've seen this before where someone turns their head and their eyes shift from their natural colour to bright red. In-fact, Mizrak has seen this before.

Tera does this BEFORE with Emmanuel too when he insinuates on Tera's vampirism affecting her love for Maria. Another example, while not as strong (simply because the freshly turned vampire comparison) is Ezerbet demanding Emmanuel to bring back Drolta but all of these points of contention surround love and so-called monsters having souls.

Side note, it's very interesting that she yells at Emmanuel, but cries over Mizrak's comment and her red eyes disappear. Obviously, the stark difference is that Emmanuel literally sacrificed her, but it showcases that Tera and Mizrak probably were close friends since he makes sure to actively protect her daughter and he knows his way to their house. Just something to think about with these newly turned vampires and how their lives will come to overlap eventually.

While this trait may just be an Ezerbet thing, we don't know, notice how the glowing eyes occur in highly intense emotions surrounding people they love deeply. The Tera example just being stronger to back up this case since she is a recently turned vampire. Eyes are super important in Nocturne for both vampires and humans. Alucard's eyes go bloodshot red like Dracula's when he fully powers up. Maria's eyes go pitch black as she initially summons Seiryuu. Olrox's eyes glow bright green as he spies from Mizrak from his inn room window. Richter's eyes glow icy blue as he fights Drolta and eventually confronts Olrox.

So what does this mean for Mizrak? Again, this will begin to pull into interpretation based on other scenes in the show and how I viewed those. One thing I can say is that Mizrak still "has a mind that can think and a heart that can love" - Olrox S02E01. We need to pull that context from Olrox/Tera's conversation, Tera/Emmanuel's conversation, Ezerbet's demands from Emmanuel, Drolta's night creature transformation, and Alucard's conversation with Maria about Dracula. While there definitely are more conversations that can further strengthen the point I'm making, no matter who you are, monster, vampire, or human, they all have a soul, you are innately the same even after transformation. It is however your choice to indulge in the powers of vampirism and abuse it or stand against its tide. This includes Mizrak now. The choices he makes now are still him. Which why it makes it all the more shocking because the last time we saw him, he was having a crying session, pouring out his heart and soul to Olrox but suddenly now he's quiet and fucking terrifying. We as an audience mentally have to determine which choices he has made. Did he cry after feeding, sobbing over the violence like countless times before or did he indulge in the powers he manifested? Or a third other more complicated idea? I'm not going to say my personal opinion outright to avoid swaying your own because the intention of this shot is to make you question and really dig deep about it.

Also if you're still interested in my personal opinion I feel like it really seeps through in all my fan art and just this informal essay in general. Even then I do have a ton of thoughts about it that are not perceivable in the public eye because, in my brain, their dynamic is so convoluted as individuals LET ALONE THEM PAIRED TOGETHER. The thing is too, multiple different ideas and interpretations co-exist in my brain at the same time so it's really hard to get a proper personal opinion without me just saying "me like Castlevania : Nocturne more than a normal amount."

This is a long shot, it establishes the room they’re in, where the characters are placed and the location. While it is always important, the is colour, character placement and framing is something I’m specifically calling out here.

This is an extremely red room. The colour red is now heavily associated with Mizrak. The only thing that isn’t red is the bed, aka where Olrox is placed. It is green, a colour often associated with him. Often then not, Olrox and Mizrak’s private scenes usually tend to be placed in green environments, giving the sense to the audience of who is higher in the power dynamic. Not only here, that has been changed but with the way the bed frame is placed, it literally boxes Olrox into this section. It makes him appear a lot smaller and appears to take up less space. The roles are swapping. We've already seen this by Olrox joining the fight, and now we have Mizrak accepting vampirism.

This midshot is used to communicate him getting up from the bed and giving Mizrak the same dark stare. It also just gives a reason to see Olrox's torso LOL.

This shot is super vertical which challenges every other shot Olrox has been in because he's been horizontal or laying down the entire time. This and the previous shot is now on par with Mizrak who has been associated with vertical organic lines.

This shot is laced with so much mystery and lack of any conformation because you can also again, interpret as you wish with this shot. That's the allure of it though, that's why people love this shot.

[no image here sorry, curse you 30 image limits]

The next shot I wanted to talk about was the transitional curtain/drapery which is super fun as a way to go between shots. It's a super reminiscence of curtains unveiling a performance on stage or a magician trick behind the curtain to reveal a transformation or something disappearing. What the drapery reveals for the first one is two close ups of Mizrak's new form. His teeth and his dagger-like nails. These are vital to showcase the violent potential of his body. His new weapons.

What's interesting is that Mizrak is growling. Mizrak throughout the entire show harks on about animals, yet he himself has become the thing he's sworn to hate- hell, before his transformation, he literally barks and growled at other people, this is just manifesting it in physical form.

Animals to him (from what I've gathered) are free to follow their heart’s content (which is something Mizrak is yearning, desiring and longing to be like if you think about it), which are not bound by the rules made by mankind. The church's rules appear they are given by God, and the Abbott fights for Him in His name, but these teachings are reinforced by infallible men despite taking vows of obedience, stability and conversatio morum (fidelity to monastic life, which vows of poverty and chastity go under these). Mizrak is blind to the fact he is serving men's idea of God rather than God Himself, but it all begins to unfurl at the seams during season 01 and Mizrak finds himself trying to still cling to it in season 02, but it's just himself now. It is literally just faith as his companion at this point.

Ok Mystery, tell me how this shot of Mizrak’s ass is important. Why incorporeal voice, I’d love to tell you. So I'm not joking when I say this is Mizrak liberating himself from his man-made chains. Nudity, as I stated before, can mean rebirth but it can also represent vulnerability. This literally bares out Mizrak in his entirety, unbound by his uniform, and by his ties to his religion. Vamprisim in a way has led him to accept his other parts of his identity (not fully though because this is Mizrak).

Going off into another media, but it reminds me of Louis from Interview With the Vampire (2022). He comes to terms with his queer identity through being turned into a vampire and if he never got turned, he probably would have died never accepting that part of himself. Honestly, I think that show is very good to overlap its theme with Mizrak and Olrox, and also in general a very visually/narratively-driven strong show, I would highly recommend it.

Okay, let's get back on topic!

They're posed specifically like that to make the silhouette distinctly clear of where they are, but Mizrak and Olrox's poses intrigue me. The way Mizrak's legs wrap around Olrox's thigh and how very intentionally his hand goes to the side of Olrox, especially since we have jumped from two shots of his dagger-like fangs and nails, which appears very violent, yet this is very intimate. Then we have Olrox, whose pose is also very open. It's accepting whatever onslaught hunger Mizrak has. This is strengthened by the contrasting vertical and horizontal lines in this shot as now Olrox is horizontal. He lasted about 5 seconds before being back on the bed.

Another thing is that compositionally, Mizrak is above Olrox and takes up a lot more visual space then him, which places him higher in the power dynamic. Mizrak has never been in that position until now. Olrox is much lower in the composition and most of it is covered up by Mizrak, being placed lower in the power dynamic, which is also a very new thing. This further pushes the new roles they have in this dynamic.

The sound effect for Mizrak landing on the bed isn’t as harsh or violent as I expected despite the appearance of the velocity he was going at in the previous shots. I'm going to take that as intentional because Mizrak looming over Olrox is a parallel to season 01 episode 03. While the sounds are not the same they're way similar. In turn, almost every single shot in this sequence can be tied back to a previous shot in season 01 I'm not kidding. This is why this works so well, everything is coming back.

All those visual parallels can be seen here on my Bluesky!

This one shot is both fucking absolutely terrifying but it also communicates "woah hot" which is great, we need more of that in media. Give me more horror mixed with sexuality in a vampiric context thank youuuu.

This shot moves from a midshot to a close up because Mizrak moves himself. The camera isn’t motivated to move, he is, exactly like Olrox's bite shot. We’re also placed in the position of Olrox. The shot just LINGERS on Mizrak just staring at the camera and it’s just slightly longer then the norm. To me, this reads as if Mizrak is literally eyeing up prey. Terrifying.

The presumption can be made that Mizrak, being newly turned (evidenced by the still-fresh bite marks) needs to feed. Much like how Tera needed to feed off Ezerbet. However, instead of forcing blood into his mouth much like how Ezerbet dribbled blood into Tera, Olrox just lets Mizrak come to him animalistically. This does not strike any fear into him, hell his expression is so muted. Though we never get any close-ups of Olrox's facial expression when Mizrak goes to look at him which is very intentional, we don't get to have a proper read of Olrox's expression and continues to steep this further into mystery, yearning for more information on this scene. This also just ends in another fade to black, Olrox bit Mizrak in the last sequence analyzed, now we can again presume Mizrak is biting him due to this.

This is our last shot of Olrox and Mizrak. It leaves us to question what happened and what will occur in the future. It doesn’t even give us any answers but it lays the foundation for theories and the potential for season 03.

Another thing to note is that Olrox, originally known as Count Olrox/Count Orlok in Castlevania : Symphony of the Night was based on Count Orlok from the gothic film Nosfertau (1992). There's a whole thing where Count Orlok's shadowy hand clasps over Ellen's heart/chest and she reacts quite 'suggestively' to it. This scene is used to comment on the societal taboo of sexuality and indulging in it. This basically kind of happens in this entire sequence, but instead, it's Mizrak's shadow looming over Olrox and it's Mizrak initiating the act. If you apply that lens here, you can engage with the scene as Mizrak letting himself come to terms with his sexuality, a thing he considers taboo and forbidden through vamprisim.

A section of Nosferatu I'm talking about can be viewed here.

And we're done! Apologies for skipped shots and if any of it got really clunky or had any odd grammar. I hope you enjoyed this informal essay discussing episode 08 and I hope you got something out of it! I'm stopping this now before this consumes my brain because I need to hop onto graded studies. This was a very fun study and I hope to do more in the future!

[doberbutts]

hey safety vs. vulnerability anon here i just wanna say that i totally agree with everything u said, i was mostly thinking of the kind of logic where trans or gay men or men of color are considered safe or not really counting to a general no men quote unquote rule (honestly more in interpersonal reactions than like spaces) which feels like trying to acknowledge how being gay or trans or nonwhite as a man changes how ones maleness is treated in society and ones access to male privilege but falling back on idea that being marginalized makes someone ontologically safer when to me it makes someone have less leverage to do harm to others, especially without risking harm to themselves. (which seems dfferent from safety as a concept based around trust.) but i think i worded what i was saying really poorly, or i could still just be straight up wrong.

Hmm. I think the meat of it though is the "trans men and gay men are frequently considered 'safer' and exempt from the no men rule" hinges very much on the insistence of society to be both transphobic and homophobic, as well as misogynistic, including in queer spaces.

We actually see this a lot with lesbians and intersex women and trans women [and especially if there is any overlap like transbians and intersex lesbians] where we have multitudes of firsthand accounts of having to fight for their right to be considered as women because for the bulk of society "woman" has to mean "cishetperi XX boobs-and-vagina afab adult who conforms exactly to gender roles and exists for the sole purpose of making children and housekeeping". And being a lesbian, being intersex, being transgender- it means you are no longer that definition. So we circle back to the question often issued as a challenge- what is a woman? Can you be a woman if you don't fit the definition society pre-defined for you?

It's also why race (because white supremacy and eurocentric thinking created the latter half of that definition), ability status (because eugenics as a tool of white supremacy means we do not want to create more undesirables who may not be able to fulfill their purpose of child rearing and live in maid service), beauty standards (because in order to marry you must attract a mate so if you're fat and ugly you can't fit this definition), and fertility (because if you can't have babies what good are you, that's literally the point of womanhood) all are affected by this too.

And since there is the insistence on there only being two genders, if you don't fit the definition of a woman then you're obviously either a man [derogatory] or a freak of nature to be exterminated and purged from society by any means possible.

This happens to trans and gay and intersex men as well. Man is supposed to have no boobs and yes penis and testicles. A man is supposed to be able to grow a beard and have short hair and have a totally masculine presentation and work outside of the home and make children with his wife and be the dominant penetrating sex partner and have XY chromosomes and body hair. And trans men break that definition. And intersex men break that rule. And gay men break that rule.

And because of those same insititutions- so do men of color, disabled men, infertile men, ugly men, fat men.

And how much they break this rule also determines how much they are allowed to be seen as men (albeit perhaps as Lesser Men, approaching womanhood) and whether they get labeled as women [derogatory] or a freak.

And as I discuss when talking about Schrodinger's Gender, you may be all of the above at once ad long as the person weaponizing societal gender against you can come up with a good enough way to hurt you with it.

But as far as whether it makes one safer or provides less leverage to enact harm? I don't know that I agree with either. I think it makes someone more likely to understand the need for solidarity and more likely to reach across the aisle as it were and hold out a hand in comfort. But I also think that the metaphor of the drowning man pulling the lifeguard under him also applies- trauma does not always make you kinder, and living with longterm trauma caused by being marginalized within a hateful society may very well turn someone into the drowning man that flails so much that he drowns anyone who tries to help him as he goes under the current himself. He doesn't want to kill his rescuer- but he will, because he's reacting out of pure fear and a desperate attempt of self-preservation.

[azaharinflames]

Not a question so much as a mini rant. Any sane person or member of the GA watching tonight's episode saw that as Buck NOT being romantically interested in his straight friend Eddie and happy to be spending time with Tommy for whom he had been pining for months. Meanwhile, the BoBs are just trying to spin this into some twisty confirmation that b*ddie is happening. There really is no point reasoning with them. BoBs will see what they want to see until one day when the series will end and b*ddie still hasn't happened they will rage about how they were deceived when in fact they have just deceived themselves. Pathetic.

On the bright side, Buck + Tommy + 🔥

Hi, Nonnie! I love me a good mini rant!

That's the thing though - BoBs are unable to see the show is not for them. It isn't for us, either. Sure, we are fans, we enjoy the content and make even more content from it, but factually? The show is for the GA.

That's why what we see on screen is what is important. And on screen we saw Buck missing Tommy and longing for Tommy. Both to make the GA remember him and to make it clear that's who Buck wants. And now he comes back. It's a pretty simple math equation I fear.

The show is clearer than ever: they are not doing buddie, and they want to build Bucktommy's reconciliation. And yeah Tim can give his word salad interview all he wants, but 1. Aisha exposed his true intentions and 2. What matters is what he showed the GA. And that clearly is not getting closer to buddie canon.

Like. It would not make sense to be so adamant to confirm Eddie is straight, to have multiple characters stating it, to have Buck saying he is not in love with him... to then turn around and make him in love with him. The GA would not understand it and, more so, they would feel tricked, as that is not the resolution they've been initially presented with now. Does that make sense?

And also, a lot are convinced them repeating Eddie is straight is kinda like: negative x negative= positive. But that is not the case in this instance. They do not repeat it for shock value later on, they repeat it because BoBs refuse to acknowledge it.

My inbox is open for ranting, venting, giving your opinion (unpopular or popular, I'm happy to receive and discuss both), and even confessions! Though if you don't want yours posted, please make sure to say :)

Take care <3

[ugly-bullet]

Okay, your grumpy grandma just took her happy pills, washed them down with three pints of Moretti and finally ready to perform the sweet and stupid "YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?!" thing right now. 

But at the same time it's gonna be a low key but lengthy analytical infopost shouted angrily in your face. Fasten you sit belts, I'm starting!

(There is a nuance though. It's not about"what", it's about "who")

WHO?

There is one person connected to Columbine who pisses me off to the boiling point. Randy Brown. I hate the very guts of the man!

DISCLAIMER:

I get it, he's a much older wreck than I am, his own son was in that school and could have been killed (but he wasn't, and let's remember for a moment why, huh? but there will be more on that later, in another post). According to people more or less close to him, he's been blaming himself for years for not doing enough at the time, for not pushing the alarm harder, for not preventing the tragedy. Maybe. If it's true, I understand all this and even feel sorry for him. But what he is doing now and what he's done in the past kind of didn't fit to this picture, and also looks very murky, dishonest and manipulative.

WHY?

First, he constantly talks about some mysterious photos, videos and evidence he saw. Okay, but if he saw or heard something, why doesn’t he explain what exactly and how it proves his talking points? He could have omitted personal information and something he’s not allowed to disclose, but still explained what he thinks happened. Researchers of many cases do this all the time. He never does. "Trust me, because I'm telling you that I saw something, and that's why it's THE TRUTH, I am an expert witness and a holder of the secret knowledge, worship me for that” — this is his stance. Sorry, uncle Randy, it doesn't work that way.

Second, he demonizes the Harris family far more than they deserve. Hell knows what was going on in their home, it could have been anything, and it could have contributed to Eric's mental health issues, but we don't know about it, and importantly, Randy doesn't know shit either, but he's trashing them mercilessly not caring about choosing words.

Third, his idiotic theory that Eric shot Dylan. This is the BIG ONE. 

I mean, theoretically I can imagine a situation where Dylan has trouble pulling the trigger himself and asks Eric to do it for him (I tried to shoot myself at several points in my life and wasn’t able to do it, so I understand). But if you look at that fucking photo it's physically impossible. I will explain why below. Also, Randy doesn't say that it was some kind of assisted suicide, he says that Eric just killed Dylan because he felt like it. "Let's kill Dylan for a change — bang!” That doesn’t make any sense...

I remember one of his points was that the TEC-9 was under Dylan's right hand and it shouldn’t have been there, but it's exactly where it would land being on a strap — under his right side. It was actually strapped to his right side, we can see that on the video from the cafeteria.

Yo mama, me that is, being crazy enough, performed some simple morbid experiment at home. I own, let’s say, an object of very similar shape size and weight as TEC-9. Very shitty gun, ups, similar object, never buy it. If you strap it to your right side, to your belt that is, stand on your knees, put it to your left temple, and then drop it and fall to your right side at the same time, no matter how fast you fall, it will end up under you, it’s fucking heavy. And if then you turn on your back, choking on your blood, because you was stupid enough to shoot yourself in the temple and not to eat a fucking bullet, it will be exactly under your right hand or near it. I repeated this experiment 10 times to be sure so I can speak with some confidence, you see. Also the same would happen if you died on your side and the cops turned you on your back later. 

Next. We know that Dylan was shot with the TEC-9, there was his blood in the barrel of this gun, it was tested. So how on earth Eric could have done that with this gun?

In order to shoot Dylan with the TEC-9 so that he fell on his right side and his head landed on Eric's leg, Eric would have to be sitting in the same spot we see in the photo, with his legs stretched out, trying to get his hand with the gun to the left temple of Dylan, who is kneeling with his right side facing Eric at least two feet from Eric's feet. It's physically impossible, a gorilla doesn't have enough arm length, not just Eric!

And why on earth would he do that? If he just wanted to kill Dylan, he would shoot him with his own gun, as simple as that. If Dylan asked him for help, he might have taken the TEC-9, but no way would he have done it in a position like that and then, without moving his legs, shot himself. It doesn’t make any fucking sense.

CONCLUSION:

I feel like it's more about ugly shit in Randy's head and his personal agenda than anything else, to be honest. He hates Eric with all his heart. I can understand why to a degree but at the same time not completely. The guy spared your son, despite the fact that he hated him and threatened to kill him. Have some gratitude at least for that. Maybe he wasn’t such a monster you’d like to see him after all. And it's kind of sad and ugly. I mean, why in the world is it so important to convince everyone that Eric didn't care about Dylan and anyone in the world for that matter? They both did what they did, it was bad enough, you don’t need to paint the guy even worse. But Randy had this urge for fucking decades and acts on it.

BRIGHT SIDE: 

But there is some good news. The guy is arrogant and dumb as a tree trunk. His ridiculous constant self-promotion of his book gives me tons of laughter and second hand embarrassment. He's like: "Look, here is the ultimate and the best source on Columbine, the book of Randy Brown!". He literally says it like that, about himself in third person. And it’s the worst thing you can do if you want to promote something. You're making a laughing stock out of yourself by doing so. And he does exactly that, which is good, less people would buy his bullshit.

PS:

I decided to add a little bit to avoid being completely one-sided. What I agree with Randy on is his position on the role of bullying in this whole thing. He understands this and talks about it a lot and openly. I give him credit for that. He's not always consistent when he talks about it, of course, and you can find holes in his arguments, but at least he doesn't support that asshole Cullen, whose book has horribly distorted the events of Columbine and, unlike Randy's amateur writings, is a bloody bestseller. Yes, it seems that the second round of my "you know what I hate" will be a post about Cullen...

[brazenautomaton]

okay so you sort of answered the question but it was with a bunch of things that aren't true and that you made up so you could insult people. the things you said are not true. I need you to at least be capable of recognizing you are talking to someone who believes the things you said are not true, and so you can't just smugly repeat them as if appealing to universal truth. can you do that?

blaming people who want "strong borders" for the abuses of ICE is like blaming people who want robbery be illegal for the abuses of the American prison system. the solution is not to legalize robbery. it's to stop pointlessly torturing people. the blame does not rest on those who want robbery to be illegal, the blame rests on the guys pointlessly torturing people. there are too many people who look at it and take the position "well you shouldn't have broken the law" even when that isn't what happens, and that still doesn't mean the solution is to legalize robbery.

the people who want a border wall want the thing that prevents there from being a persistent underclass. I've said this like five times and your claim that they actually don't want it is the first time you've even kind of acknowledged that point. you've pointed out ways that someone could run afoul of immigration law even with a border wall, but that doesn't change the fact that a border wall does not create an underclass and the things that it does prevent an underclass by preventing people from entering who aren't interfaced with the government. if someone has an expired visa or doesn't have an expired visa but some shithead at ICE wants to fuck with them, this is not a situation that was aggravated by a "strong border" unless you claim "literally any enforcement of immigration law whatsoever" is a strong border; since you know that is not the definition anyone else is using this would be a blatant and knowing lie.

everything you said about "they want to maintain a caste system" is wrong. it is made up. it is false. it is not true. you heard it from other progressives in a signaling death spiral. stop repeating it as if it was universal truth because it's false. the enforcement of a border prevents the thing you are talking about. I need you to understand that and I'm not convinced you do. The existence of a stratified social system is created by people entering the country illegally and preventing people from entering the country illegally prevents it from happening. You have no basis for saying that people who want strong borders actually want people to enter illegally other than the fact that it's an insulting accusation towards people you hate.

Every person who justifies ICE, every person who didn't read the article and says that this was fair, all of them have something in common: they want the people caught and detained by ICE to leave the country. They do not say "Those illegal immigrants who I hate so much should have to pick tomatoes!" They want them to be kicked out of the country. There is nothing you can point to to indicate they secretly want illegal immigrants to stay in the country and work as a slave caste, other than the fact you hate them and want to insult them.

In the United States there are a lot of people who support having a large underclass of illegal immigrants who have less rights than citizens. They're called "the Democrats." The fact that illegal immigrants can be paid far less than minimum wage is an extremely common talking point against border enforcement. They say that "hardworking undocumented migrants" are willing to do jobs American citizens are unwilling to do, and that's why they should be allowed to stay. The only people in this discussion who have ever come out in support of a caste system are the people who are against border enforcement. I need you to know that, argumate. Can you repeat that back to me so I know that you know it?

Story below the cut to avoid a paywall.

There was no explanation, no warning. One minute, I was in an immigration office talking to an officer about my work visa, which had been approved months before and allowed me, a Canadian, to work in the US. The next, I was told to put my hands against the wall, and patted down like a criminal before being sent to an Ice detention center without the chance to talk to a lawyer.

I grew up in Whitehorse, Yukon, a small town in the northernmost part of Canada. I always knew I wanted to do something bigger with my life. I left home early and moved to Vancouver, British Columbia, where I built a career spanning multiple industries – acting in film and television, owning bars and restaurants, flipping condos and managing Airbnbs.

In my 30s, I found my true passion working in the health and wellness industry. I was given the opportunity to help launch an American brand of health tonics called Holy! Water – a job that would involve moving to the US.

I was granted my trade Nafta work visa, which allows Canadian and Mexican citizens to work in the US in specific professional occupations, on my second attempt. It goes without saying, then, that I have no criminal record. I also love the US and consider myself to be a kind, hard-working person.

I started working in California and travelled back and forth between Canada and the US multiple times without any complications – until one day, upon returning to the US, a border officer questioned me about my initial visa denial and subsequent visa approval. He asked why I had gone to the San Diego border the second time to apply. I explained that that was where my lawyer’s offices were, and that he had wanted to accompany me to ensure there were no issues.

After a long interrogation, the officer told me it seemed “shady” and that my visa hadn’t been properly processed. He claimed I also couldn’t work for a company in the US that made use of hemp – one of the beverage ingredients. He revoked my visa, and told me I could still work for the company from Canada, but if I wanted to return to the US, I would need to reapply.

I was devastated; I had just started building a life in California. I stayed in Canada for the next few months, and was eventually offered a similar position with a different health and wellness brand.

I restarted the visa process and returned to the same immigration office at the San Diego border, since they had processed my visa before and I was familiar with it. Hours passed, with many confused opinions about my case. The officer I spoke to was kind but told me that, due to my previous issues, I needed to apply for my visa through the consulate. I told her I hadn’t been aware I needed to apply that way, but had no problem doing it.

Then she said something strange: “You didn’t do anything wrong. You are not in trouble, you are not a criminal.”

I remember thinking: Why would she say that? Of course I’m not a criminal!

She then told me they had to send me back to Canada. That didn’t concern me; I assumed I would simply book a flight home. But as I sat searching for flights, a man approached me.

“Come with me,” he said.

There was no explanation, no warning. He led me to a room, took my belongings from my hands and ordered me to put my hands against the wall. A woman immediately began patting me down. The commands came rapid-fire, one after another, too fast to process.

They took my shoes and pulled out my shoelaces.

“What are you doing? What is happening?” I asked.

“You are being detained.”

“I don’t understand. What does that mean? For how long?”

“I don’t know.”

That would be the response to nearly every question I would ask over the next two weeks: “I don’t know.”

They brought me downstairs for a series of interviews and medical questions, searched my bags and told me I had to get rid of half my belongings because I couldn’t take everything with me.

“Take everything with me where?” I asked.

A woman asked me for the name of someone they could contact on my behalf. In moments like this, you realize you don’t actually know anyone’s phone number anymore. By some miracle, I had recently memorized my best friend Britt’s number because I had been putting my grocery points on her account.

I gave them her phone number.

They handed me a mat and a folded-up sheet of aluminum foil.

“What is this?”

“Your blanket.”

“I don’t understand.”

I was taken to a tiny, freezing cement cell with bright fluorescent lights and a toilet. There were five other women lying on their mats with the aluminum sheets wrapped over them, looking like dead bodies. The guard locked the door behind me.

For two days, we remained in that cell, only leaving briefly for food. The lights never turned off, we never knew what time it was and no one answered our questions. No one in the cell spoke English, so I either tried to sleep or meditate to keep from having a breakdown. I didn’t trust the food, so I fasted, assuming I wouldn’t be there long.

On the third day, I was finally allowed to make a phone call. I called Britt and told her that I didn’t understand what was happening, that no one would tell me when I was going home, and that she was my only contact.

They gave me a stack of paperwork to sign and told me I was being given a five-year ban unless I applied for re-entry through the consulate. The officer also said it didn’t matter whether I signed the papers or not; it was happening regardless.

I was so delirious that I just signed. I told them I would pay for my flight home and asked when I could leave.

No answer.

Then they moved me to another cell – this time with no mat or blanket. I sat on the freezing cement floor for hours. That’s when I realized they were processing me into real jail: the Otay Mesa Detention Center.

I was told to shower, given a jail uniform, fingerprinted and interviewed. I begged for information.

“How long will I be here?”

“I don’t know your case,” the man said. “Could be days. Could be weeks. But I’m telling you right now – you need to mentally prepare yourself for months.”

Months.

I felt like I was going to throw up.

I was taken to the nurse’s office for a medical check. She asked what had happened to me. She had never seen a Canadian there before. When I told her my story, she grabbed my hand and said: “Do you believe in God?”

I told her I had only recently found God, but that I now believed in God more than anything.

“I believe God brought you here for a reason,” she said. “I know it feels like your life is in a million pieces, but you will be OK. Through this, I think you are going to find a way to help others.”

At the time, I didn’t know what that meant. She asked if she could pray for me. I held her hands and wept.

I felt like I had been sent an angel.

I was then placed in a real jail unit: two levels of cells surrounding a common area, just like in the movies. I was put in a tiny cell alone with a bunk bed and a toilet.

The best part: there were blankets. After three days without one, I wrapped myself in mine and finally felt some comfort.

For the first day, I didn’t leave my cell. I continued fasting, terrified that the food might make me sick. The only available water came from the tap attached to the toilet in our cells or a sink in the common area, neither of which felt safe to drink.

Eventually, I forced myself to step out, meet the guards and learn the rules. One of them told me: “No fighting.”

“I’m a lover, not a fighter,” I joked. He laughed.

I asked if there had ever been a fight here.

“In this unit? No,” he said. “No one in this unit has a criminal record.”

That’s when I started meeting the other women.

That’s when I started hearing their stories.

And that’s when I made a decision: I would never allow myself to feel sorry for my situation again. No matter how hard this was, I had to be grateful. Because every woman I met was in an even more difficult position than mine.

There were around 140 of us in our unit. Many women had lived and worked in the US legally for years but had overstayed their visas – often after reapplying and being denied. They had all been detained without warning.

If someone is a criminal, I agree they should be taken off the streets. But not one of these women had a criminal record. These women acknowledged that they shouldn’t have overstayed and took responsibility for their actions. But their frustration wasn’t about being held accountable; it was about the endless, bureaucratic limbo they had been trapped in.

The real issue was how long it took to get out of the system, with no clear answers, no timeline and no way to move forward. Once deported, many have no choice but to abandon everything they own because the cost of shipping their belongings back is too high.

I met a woman who had been on a road trip with her husband. She said they had 10-year work visas. While driving near the San Diego border, they mistakenly got into a lane leading to Mexico. They stopped and told the agent they didn’t have their passports on them, expecting to be redirected. Instead, they were detained. They are both pastors.

I met a family of three who had been living in the US for 11 years with work authorizations. They paid taxes and were waiting for their green cards. Every year, the mother had to undergo a background check, but this time, she was told to bring her whole family. When they arrived, they were taken into custody and told their status would now be processed from within the detention center.

Another woman from Canada had been living in the US with her husband who was detained after a traffic stop. She admitted she had overstayed her visa and accepted that she would be deported. But she had been stuck in the system for almost six weeks because she hadn’t had her passport. Who runs casual errands with their passport?

One woman had a 10-year visa. When it expired, she moved back to her home country, Venezuela. She admitted she had overstayed by one month before leaving. Later, she returned for a vacation and entered the US without issue. But when she took a domestic flight from Miami to Los Angeles, she was picked up by Ice and detained. She couldn’t be deported because Venezuela wasn’t accepting deportees. She didn’t know when she was getting out.

There was a girl from India who had overstayed her student visa for three days before heading back home. She then came back to the US on a new, valid visa to finish her master’s degree and was handed over to Ice due to the three days she had overstayed on her previous visa.

There were women who had been picked up off the street, from outside their workplaces, from their homes. All of these women told me that they had been detained for time spans ranging from a few weeks to 10 months. One woman’s daughter was outside the detention center protesting for her release.

That night, the pastor invited me to a service she was holding. A girl who spoke English translated for me as the women took turns sharing their prayers – prayers for their sick parents, for the children they hadn’t seen in weeks, for the loved ones they had been torn away from.

Then, unexpectedly, they asked if they could pray for me. I was new here, and they wanted to welcome me. They formed a circle around me, took my hands and prayed. I had never felt so much love, energy and compassion from a group of strangers in my life. Everyone was crying.

At 3am the next day, I was woken up in my cell.

“Pack your bag. You’re leaving.”

I jolted upright. “I get to go home?”

The officer shrugged. “I don’t know where you’re going.”

Of course. No one ever knew anything.

I grabbed my things and went downstairs, where 10 other women stood in silence, tears streaming down their faces. But these weren’t happy tears. That was the moment I learned the term “transferred”.

For many of these women, detention centers had become a twisted version of home. They had formed bonds, established routines and found slivers of comfort in the friendships they had built. Now, without warning, they were being torn apart and sent somewhere new. Watching them say goodbye, clinging to each other, was gut-wrenching.

I had no idea what was waiting for me next. In hindsight, that was probably for the best.

Our next stop was Arizona, the San Luis Regional Detention Center. The transfer process lasted 24 hours, a sleepless, grueling ordeal. This time, men were transported with us. Roughly 50 of us were crammed into a prison bus for the next five hours, packed together – women in the front, men in the back. We were bound in chains that wrapped tightly around our waists, with our cuffed hands secured to our bodies and shackles restraining our feet, forcing every movement into a slow, clinking struggle.

When we arrived at our next destination, we were forced to go through the entire intake process all over again, with medical exams, fingerprinting – and pregnancy tests; they lined us up in a filthy cell, squatting over a communal toilet, holding Dixie cups of urine while the nurse dropped pregnancy tests in each of our cups. It was disgusting.

We sat in freezing-cold jail cells for hours, waiting for everyone to be processed. Across the room, one of the women suddenly spotted her husband. They had both been detained and were now seeing each other for the first time in weeks.

The look on her face – pure love, relief and longing – was something I’ll never forget.

We were beyond exhausted. I felt like I was hallucinating.

The guard tossed us each a blanket: “Find a bed.”

There were no pillows. The room was ice cold, and one blanket wasn’t enough. Around me, women lay curled into themselves, heads covered, looking like a room full of corpses. This place made the last jail feel like the Four Seasons.

I kept telling myself: Do not let this break you.

Thirty of us shared one room. We were given one Styrofoam cup for water and one plastic spoon that we had to reuse for every meal. I eventually had to start trying to eat and, sure enough, I got sick. None of the uniforms fit, and everyone had men’s shoes on. The towels they gave us to shower were hand towels. They wouldn’t give us more blankets. The fluorescent lights shined on us 24/7.

Everything felt like it was meant to break you. Nothing was explained to us. I wasn’t given a phone call. We were locked in a room, no daylight, with no idea when we would get out.

I tried to stay calm as every fiber of my being raged towards panic mode. I didn’t know how I would tell Britt where I was. Then, as if sent from God, one of the women showed me a tablet attached to the wall where I could send emails. I only remembered my CEO’s email from memory. I typed out a message, praying he would see it.

He responded.

Through him, I was able to connect with Britt. She told me that they were working around the clock trying to get me out. But no one had any answers; the system made it next to impossible. I told her about the conditions in this new place, and that was when we decided to go to the media.

She started working with a reporter and asked whether I would be able to call her so she could loop him in. The international phone account that Britt had previously tried to set up for me wasn’t working, so one of the other women offered to let me use her phone account to make the call.

We were all in this together.

With nothing to do in my cell but talk, I made new friends – women who had risked everything for the chance at a better life for themselves and their families.

Through them, I learned the harsh reality of seeking asylum. Showing me their physical scars, they explained how they had paid smugglers anywhere from $20,000 to $60,000 to reach the US border, enduring brutal jungles and horrendous conditions.

One woman had been offered asylum in Mexico within two weeks but had been encouraged to keep going to the US. Now, she was stuck, living in a nightmare, separated from her young children for months. She sobbed, telling me how she felt like the worst mother in the world.

Many of these women were highly educated and spoke multiple languages. Yet, they had been advised to pretend they didn’t speak English because it would supposedly increase their chances of asylum.

Some believed they were being used as examples, as warnings to others not to try to come.

Women were starting to panic in this new facility, and knowing I was most likely the first person to get out, they wrote letters and messages for me to send to their families.

It felt like we had all been kidnapped, thrown into some sort of sick psychological experiment meant to strip us of every ounce of strength and dignity.

We were from different countries, spoke different languages and practiced different religions. Yet, in this place, none of that mattered. Everyone took care of each other. Everyone shared food. Everyone held each other when someone broke down. Everyone fought to keep each other’s hope alive.

I got a message from Britt. My story had started to blow up in the media.

Almost immediately after, I was told I was being released.

My Ice agent, who had never spoken to me, told my lawyer I could have left sooner if I had signed a withdrawal form, and that they hadn’t known I would pay for my own flight home.

From the moment I arrived, I begged every officer I saw to let me pay for my own ticket home. Not a single one of them ever spoke to me about my case.

To put things into perspective: I had a Canadian passport, lawyers, resources, media attention, friends, family and even politicians advocating for me. Yet, I was still detained for nearly two weeks.

Imagine what this system is like for every other person in there.

A small group of us were transferred back to San Diego at 2am – one last road trip, once again shackled in chains. I was then taken to the airport, where two officers were waiting for me. The media was there, so the officers snuck me in through a side door, trying to avoid anyone seeing me in restraints. I was beyond grateful that, at the very least, I didn’t have to walk through the airport in chains.

To my surprise, the officers escorting me were incredibly kind, and even funny. It was the first time I had laughed in weeks.

I asked if I could put my shoelaces back on.

“Yes,” one of them said with a grin. “But you better not run.”

“Yeah,” the other added. “Or we’ll have to tackle you in the airport. That’ll really make the headlines.”

I laughed, then told them I had spent a lot of time observing the guards during my detention and I couldn’t believe how often I saw humans treating other humans with such disregard. “But don’t worry,” I joked. “You two get five stars.”

When I finally landed in Canada, my mom and two best friends were waiting for me. So was the media. I spoke to them briefly, numb and delusional from exhaustion.

It was surreal listening to my friends recount everything they had done to get me out: working with lawyers, reaching out to the media, making endless calls to detention centers, desperately trying to get through to Ice or anyone who could help. They said the entire system felt rigged, designed to make it nearly impossible for anyone to get out.

The reality became clear: Ice detention isn’t just a bureaucratic nightmare. It’s a business. These facilities are privately owned and run for profit.

Companies like CoreCivic and GEO Group receive government funding based on the number of people they detain, which is why they lobby for stricter immigration policies. It’s a lucrative business: CoreCivic made over $560m from Ice contracts in a single year. In 2024, GEO Group made more than $763m from Ice contracts.

The more detainees, the more money they make. It stands to reason that these companies have no incentive to release people quickly. What I had experienced was finally starting to make sense.

[julietasgf]

SOTR — MY THOUGHTS

I finally finished SOTR and I wanted to give some opinions. I already warn I didn't like it much (and I'm going to explain why), but I didn't hate it. just... meh. this is probably the first and last time I'm going to talk in deep about it besides making one face study or other :) as always, this is just my opinion and pls remember to respect each other's opinions! if you enjoyed the book, good for you! and if you didn't read it yet, read the book to have your own opinions on it!

I want to be fair and start with what I liked in this book:

wyatt and maysilee are great characters! wyatt honestly became my favorite in this book lol (love my little neurodivergent guy) and maysilee was written so funny! to me they honestly carried the book, I was so entertained by them

burdock and asterid 💖 they were so cute, and mind you, I was never invested in everlark or interested in katniss' parents

the little cameo of tam amber and clerk carmine raising a girl was adorable! clerk carmine in general was lovely ngl

beetee's plotline was amazing, despite heartbreaking, and I deeply enjoyed how it was written

wiress' games were SO interesting??? maybe it's me focusing on such a minor detail but I loved it

the whole plot of louella and lou lou was disturbing, maybe the most disturbing I've seen in the whole franchise, and it really struck out to me as a horror element

I understand and appreciate the attempt of trying to pass a political message for a younger audience, because let's be honest, this book was indeed written for a younger audience and there's nothing wrong with it! it's quite simplistic in the way it tries to pass it through, yes, but I recognize it was not written for me and that's okay

before going into what I disliked, I want to point out that I put the blame a bit on myself bc I had some expectations and it's natural to be disappointed when they don't happen (even if I tried a lot to NOT have expectations, I talked about this before in my blog). so read this with a grain of salt because I'm not a casual reader.

this book felt cheap. and when I say cheap, I mean that it doesn't bring new things at all. not thematically, not in worldbuilding aspects. I was already concerned when the book was announced and it was haymitch's pov because this meant it would be too much like the original thg book: a kid in D12 from the seam is reaped and goes through horrific events in the games. and in this case, it feels like a mix between THG and catching fire. and the thing is that I'm not completely against narrating the 2QQ, but there would be other ways to do it with other characters that didn't feel so overused tbh;

still on worldbuilding, it's so disappointing this book doesn't bring anything new to the table regarding panem or the districts' cultures, except for some interesting burial traditions in D12. it's confusing to me that the hunger games are still that undeveloped when it's just 25 years before katniss' games. it seems like such a short time for the efficiency of the capitol change so much. same for characters. I expected this book to have so many interesting characters (specially since we were going to have 48 tributes lol), but we have almost nothing except cameos, and the ones we have (like wyatt and maysilee) felt underused by the narrative;

I know a lot of people say that this book was a bridge between tbosas and og trilogy, but then the bridge was made out of really bad quality wood and it's about to fall at any minute. the connections felt forced and for some reason now half of D12 is covey or related to them (and I say this as someone who loves the covey). some of the connections established here make the og trilogy interactions seem a bit odd;

this book, to me, paints an idea of katniss being some sort of chosen one in thg that made me quite upset. and I don't say that for the covey relations, but oh! she actually reminds haymitch of louella, and oh! she was also the daughter of his best friend, and oh! haymitch also had a private talk about president snow not trusting in birds! the charm of katniss to me, at least, was that she was never a chosen one. she was the right person at the right time. she was a kid used as a tool. but anyway that's just me;

I know the cameos and fanservices are controversial because this book is very on the nose with it. and yeah, it's annoying, but not as annoying as the goddamned snowbaird fanservice on the sheer year of 2025. compared to the og trilogy, snow felt ooc. in tbosas it's justifiable because he's a kid, he's a teen, but here he's pushing 60. why is he telling things like this to a D12? why is he letting so many rebel discourse pass in front of his nose? in thg it felt justifiable that he wouldn't kill katniss because it would clearly turn her into a martyr, but in this, nothing really justifies why he didn't kill haymitch;

if I had the energy, I would do a whole post on lenore dove and why her character is deeply disappointing and honestly shallow (it's specially disappointing when her character is written by a woman, and still, she feels like the trope of the dead girlfriend that doesn't get depth and it's clearly there to haunt the boyfriend). there's an attempt to paint her as a strongly opiniated girl that really didn't work for me because we never get to know lenore dove outside of how haymitch talks about her. her personality felt like mixing sejanus and lucy gray, but without really caring about the nuances of both, and she's clearly an attempt to make lucy gray happen again but without what made her special;

the parallels between katniss and haymitch felt forced imo and it felt like SC was trying so so so hard all the time to convince us that actually he's just katniss but male version. and it's specially sad to me because haymitch, the main character of the whole book, was the most uninteresting one;

how do you make a book about propaganda and hume and doesn't approach career tributes at all? here, they feel exactly how they were in 74th hunger games. WHAT happened? how did they go from scared children trying to run from the arena in the 10th to this?

the writing didn't feel good. the dialogues were too expositive and didn't make sense for some adult characters (like beetee and plutarch) to talk in the way they did. I'm not going deep into this because I didn't read her other saga of books like TUC, but I have friends who pointed out exactly that this doesn't feel like how SC writes.

I want to finish this saying that I've seen some takes around saying that if you dislike or criticize this book, then it's because you didn't focus on the political message regarding propaganda and the characters were used as tools to get the message through. and I'm going to hold some people's hands and tell them to go read political books outside of the hunger games. a book's political message can be valid, but I'm not going to say it was well done or well written just because of it. after all, in the end, a book is still a book, and a book is a work that gets to be judged by its writing and structure.

this book felt like a movie script, and when I say it, I mean it was written structured like one. the way things happen, the amount of quick name drop, the chronology of events. and I say this because books and movies are different medias and are narrated in different ways. I'm going to say that I already thought it was a red flag that when the book was announced, the movie was already confirmed for 2026, but I didn't expect it to be so clear about being written for a movie. bc that's what this book is. it's a book written for lionsgate to produce a new hunger games movie. I've said it before, and I'm going to say it again: the feeling I had is that lionsgate wanted a new movie after tbosas being such a hit in 2024. but oh no! when the book came out, it was so badly received... SC, can you do a safer and much more comfortable for the audience book? one that they for sure will love. and here it is.

I didn't find it downright bad, it's enjoyable at times (the first two chapters were genuinely good imo), but it's at best 2.5 to me. it doesn't work as a standalone work, it doesn't work as part of a trilogy. this may be an unpopular opinion, but I feel like it's being so praised rn bc ppl are still hyped with it coming out (like when you eat too much sugar, yk what I mean?) and it has a lot of cameos and familiar faces. but, in some months, I def think some people will start to change their opinions once more debates rise up.

it's specially sad to me that the og saga proposed itself to criticize the death of children and the issues of entertainment industry, and people spent years saying there wouldn't be a haymitch book because it would go against the point of the trilogy, just then to... get another book about children dying in the most brutal ways (this one in specific is so much more brutal than the others, I have to say, specially with the amount of 12-13 yo tributes that appear).

suzanne collins always writes when she has something to say, but in this, she really only told us she had to pay her bills.

[itsaspectrumcomic]

Hello! I'm an autistic person with a high level of verbal reasoning. Spatial discrepancies don't bother me as much as linguistic, rhetorical, or logical discrepancies. When explaining a concept, my options are

A. Explain the idea completely.

B. Refrain from explaining the idea. (Inflicts mental stress.)

C. Explain the idea partially/making use of fallacies/making use of untrue statements. (Inflicts severe mental stress to the point of meltdowns, often in the form of speech loss, social avoidance, and extreme frustration. (as opposed to anger))

These effects ensue even if I am not explaining the idea, but if the information being presented contains these traits. I also live in Alabama. What approach would you suggest I take to mentioning and explaining autism to the people in my life it would be relevant to? What course of action should I take when another blonde teen talks about 'retarded autistic fucks' employing many fallacies. How do I explain this to teachers, and parents, and peers. Any coping strategies or stuff? Sorry this stretched on, I'm going to stop myself here. If you need further clarification I am more than happy to provide it. Thank you!

Hi! It's possible to explain a lot of concepts briefly without resorting to false statements. If you find yourself trying to explain certain concepts over and over again (like autism and how it affects you), it might help to write your explanations out in full, and then try rewriting it shorter and more concisely in a way you are still comfortable. You can try this multiple times, maybe just making it a little shorter each time rather than trying to do it all at once. If you have a counsellor or another figure you trust, you could also share your shortened versions with them to check if they still make sense. Please don't push yourself too hard on this though if there's a risk of a meltdown- your health is more important.

I know it can be hard to take out certain details when everything feels important - as autistic people we can find it difficult to understand something unless we know absolutely everything about it and/or why it needs to be done a certain way. But removing some details doesn't necessarily mean what you're saying is untrue, and a lot of people find concepts easier to understand if explanations are short and include only the absolute most important details.

Personally I like to use pictures to explain concepts I find difficult to articulate - that's why I started making comics! You could try drawing your own, or find other peoples' comics you find explain things well and share them with your teachers, parents and peers to help them understand.

Unfortunately you can't stop other people from lying, spouting falsities or being straight up assholes. In scenarios like that it might be best to remove yourself from the situation, put on headphones so you can't hear, or find a way to distract yourself. If you have a trusted person with you, maybe you could talk to them about supporting you when things like that happen, and what they could do to help.

I hope this can make things a little easier for you.

[veliseraptor]

got tagged in this one by @paradife-loft a while ago and decided to finally get around to it!

tagging @brawlite, @silvysartfulness, @anghraine, @ameliarating and uhhh anyone else who feels like it

5 Things You'll Find in My Writing

Grief/mourning, or loss more generally. I'm not totally sure why this has been such a recurring thing in my fic (and has been for years) but it is certainly something I keep circling back to. I think there is something to me very compelling about both the emotion itself and the...presence of absence, if that makes sense. The way someone can still be there even when they aren't there anymore. It doesn't come up in everything but I think even when it's not direct it's often there obliquely in ways that don't have to do with death itself.

Recovery arcs. At one point I might've said "redemption arcs" but I actually think that's less accurate to the kind of stories I'm more interested in, which are less about atonement or making good than they are about people going through it and finding some way to "get better", whatever that might mean - and it can mean a lot of things. It's much more about the character's internal experience and outlook on the world than it is about any external validation or judgment by the narrative. I'm much more interested in how characters reconcile with themselves than how the world reconciles with them, is maybe a pithy way of putting it.

Poorly adjusted trauma reactions. I mean this goes hand in hand with the kind of characters I tend to write, who generally have some kind of trauma baggage and are handling it in the worst way possible, usually externalized and often both self- and other people-destructive, but at least other people-destructive for sure. I find this particular kind of ugliness and messiness very compelling to explore, both in terms of what it says about how trauma can shape people for the worse and also, on some level, as a way of exploring the idea that people who do bad things can still be worthy of compassion.

Very different people coming to an understanding. Usually when I'm doing this the people hate each other, but it's not necessarily a requirement - I do like to start from a place of distrust at the very least, though. It's a character dynamic that I can trace going all the way back to some of my earliest (original) writing. I think in a lot of ways one of the things I'm fascinated by in writing terms comes down to communication - how people communicate with each other, how they don't, where it breaks down. What it means to communicate with someone when it's the last thing you want to do. I think that's what this is really digging into at the base of it, but the form it specifically takes most often is this one: people with profound differences, often outright hostility, finding some way to cooperate. It's curious to me that on the face of it this seems like a very utopian trope but I never intend to execute it that way.

The Aftermath. In some ways this goes back to the grief/mourning thing and probably that has a lot to do with this, but one of the things I am always most interested in digging into is the what comes after of a situation. This is most obviously what's behind the ex-villain project, which is specifically asking the question "what happens when your redemption equals death gambit fails", but it crops up other places too. It's probably why on AO3 "Post-Canon" is one of my most frequently used tags. This doesn't even have to be about a post-canon scenario, though - it's about looking at something that is typically an ending and tugging at it to go but what here remains unresolved? What is still complicated? What now?

Another thing I thought of that does come up a lot is questions of agency/choice, but I thought of it later so I stuck with the ones I came up with first.

[lyricwritesprose]

"Karim?" Joey says very quietly. We're both pretending to use the library computers. Neither of us are. We're here because it's fucking freezing out there and it's warm in here, and the librarians are pretty good about not throwing anyone out unless they're making noise or causing trouble. Freezing doesn't matter to me but I worry about Joey, he's got things going on that turn his self-care skills into pure shit.

"Yeah?" I say, just as quietly.

"Need a reality check."

Yeah, that's one of the things that's going on. Joey gets more or less anchored depending on the day. "Go ahead," I say.

"Thought I saw you fly off yesterday." Joey frowns. "Yesterday? Maybe Monday. Shit, what day is it?"

It's a fast struggle but a surprisingly difficult one. I don't like life on the street any more than the rest of us, but Seriously Bad Things could happen if my real name gets out. I could just lie to Joey. He'd believe me. It might not even bother him that much. He's hallucinated before. All I'd have to do…

Is lie to him about the state of his own brain.

Yeah. No. "Yeah, you saw that."

Joey thinks about this for a moment. He's scrambled at times but nobody ever said he was dumb. He's got a degree in astronomy. Planets sometimes talk to him but when he's on top of his game, he's sharp. "Shit."

"I'd like it not to get around."

"Why the hell not? You could be a star!"

"I could also be an experimental subject or a guy whose family is strapped to a big machine with a laser pointed at them. Prefer to avoid."

"Yeah, but—but why stay here?"

"Same as everyone else, I'm dead broke. Look, even if it weren't for ADHD issues it is really hard to hold down a job when you might have to disappear at any given second to save someone's life. You know? And I won't take money from my sister, she's barely scraping by already." And has mixed feelings about me ever since I terrorized her nasty piece of work ex, since she's bright enough to figure out that I couldn't have done that without some sort of power.

"I guess you can't just rob a bank," Joey muses. "I mean, I guess you could, but—"

I sigh. "The truth is, if some costume figures out how to do that without violence, I usually give 'em a lecture and let 'em go. Just because I won't do it doesn't mean I don't get it. Way I see it, I'm here to protect people, not things."

Joey nods. "Seems like there should be ways you could make life easier for yourself, though."

"Mm. Sometimes. There are some ways it is easier. I don't feel the cold and I don't feel the heat, that's something."

"Lucky motherfucker," Joey says without rancor.

"And, well, you've probably noticed. That things do tend to happen to those bullshit benches."

I see the start of a smile on his face. "The ones you can't lie down on."

"Yeah, those. The dividers get ripped out eventually and nobody knows how, you know? Honestly it's a stupid idea anyway, even if it wasn't for us, who wants a bench where you can't even sit next to your date? A bench where you can't sit next to someone is called a fuckin' chair, and what sort of bitch goes to city hall and says, "I'd like to install a park chair?" Who's ever heard of a park chair? Dumbfucks."

Joey nods in perfect understanding. Then he says, a little hesitantly, "You know the Golden Tomato?"

"I couldn't afford that kind of yuppie food even when I had a place, but yeah, I know it."

"They've put spikes out front. Like, little nubbles in the concrete so people can't sit down under their awning."

I think about this. On the one hand, I've got to be very careful about the favors I do, but this is a good cause…

"Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if something happens to those, but, Joey? Really keep it under your hat."

"Even if I wanted to tell, nobody believes a schizophrenic," Joey pointed out. "Especially one with the twitches. Fucking bitch doctors." Tardive dyskinesia virtually always happens because some son of a bitch screws up on dosage, and—as Joey can tell you—it's also an instant ticket out of a job interview.

There are reasons I look out for Joey. Beyond, you know. Liking him. Kind of useless as fuck anyway, liking him, I'm ninety-nine percent certain he's straight, but it would take a real shitful asshole to drop a friend just because I'm never going to get in his pants. We've got each other's backs, that's what's important.

"I worry a lot about people getting scooped up and questioned," I admit. I could probably stand to talk to a psychologist about it, actually, but…who? "Don't worry about it. I trust you."

And I will probably never admit to Joey exactly how much that took to say.

You're a superhero. While in your suit, you're beloved by the city, but outside of it? You're a homeless man, unable to get a job nor pay rent because of your duties.