#and I can see the nein becoming very protective of him and taking care of him like they did in the end of c2

[dent-de-leon]

Hello, I am here once again to cast my Molly thoughts onto you.

Very often I think about Molly once being quiet…empty. But then he thrives in the joys, laughter, and color of the carnival, and then with the Nein.

But sometimes, Molly will have dreams, visions, nightmares of the quiet, the empty, THE EYES, and suddenly, he’s in a state of silence, unable to talk.

The Nein are fumbling on what to do, but then Yasha, his dear Yasha, easily holds himself close, and he hangs onto her like a lifeline. She does her best to talk despite not being the best conversationalist, but it’s what Molly is so familiar with, so soothed by. She tells him of the colorful flowers she’s seen, the crackling sound of thunder from her trips away from the group, the bustling sounds of people she has passed by.

The Nein learn from this, making sure that when Molly is unnervingly silent, they give him sounds, colors, warmth.

Molly may be silent, but never is he empty.

Oh, I absolutely headcannon this as well!! We know that Molly did have nightmares about Lucien and the Eyes--dreams that he always tried to forget. And at the very end of Campaign 2, Matt describes the haunting visions that Kingsley still sees of Cognouza and Lucien night after night. King reliving the moment when he sacrificed himself over and over, the primal alien screams and black chains that followed--

So I definitely think Molly/King still has moments when he feels that familiar, gnawing ache of Empty, once too many nightmares and memories come pouring back. And I can definitely see Yasha running right to his side. When Molly first confesses the truth about Lucien and his days of clawing Emptiness, he's so grateful to have Yasha there for him. Gives her a pat on the shoulder and says, "Thank you, dear." And at the very start of the episode, he stays close by her, still trying to suppress a panic attack--laughing nervously, admitting shakily, "I'm so glad to see you."

Just having Yasha near helps ground him. And if he got lost in feeling Empty again--even if the rest of the world and his memories start to fade, I think he'd still very much be drawn to her and reach out to her for comfort all the same.

I think a lot about how King Molly's first word after Empty is Love, how he goes up to Yasha and gives her a big hug and holds on tight. The way he goes and picks flowers for her and Beau in the Blooming Grove--all these little things that show how much he loves his charm and the rest of the Nein, even though he still doesn't have the words to say it.

The way Jester shows Tealeaf each of the cards in his tarot deck, gently tells him that she hopes just having them again will make him feel a little bit better. Tries her best to give him something concrete to hold onto, to anchor him. I can see her dealing out the cards between them whenever Molly's feeling Empty again, Jester softly telling him who each person is and what their card means. Tealeaf clinging to the deck and reading through it over and over in the moonlight, trying to commemorate every face to memory. The way Jester's so protective of Molly like he always was of her.

And then...I just can't get over how it's Caleb Molly calls out to first after Yasha. How first and foremost he has his Love, is warmed by just the sight of her so much, and then calls out for his Magician right after. The way Caleb fought so hard just for the chance to reunite with Molly, limped to his side and begged the rest of the Nein to save him. Casting the spell to resurrect him, promising so earnestly, "Empty no longer, Mr. Tealeaf." Caleb showing so much love and compassion for Mollymauk, that when all hope seems lost, when he doesn't wake--it's him Yasha turns to for comfort, looking to him for help as she cries, "Is there nothing else to do...? Caleb?" Because they both just love him so much. Because Yasha trusts Caleb to save him.

In those moments when Molly/King goes nonverbal, I think Caleb would also be very patient, very understanding. Because he'd been through very much the same thing, all those years in the sanitarium. We see panel after panel of him silently moving through the years in a haze, and I think it's very much implied he never spoke, never really felt aware. Just years and years of walking through this nightmare, dissociating from the world around him--Trent's spell further distancing him from himself, locking all his memories away.

So if anyone would understand exactly what it is Tealeaf's feeling when all he can say is Empty, I think it's Caleb. Because for an entire decade, that's how he felt. I can see him being kind and gentle with Molly in those moments the way he wished someone would have been for him. Sitting by his side when the memories get to be too much, when it all eats away at him until he feels hollow again. Caleb delicately parting his hair and giving him another forehead kiss, promising him again that he isn't Empty anymore--

It's like how Yasha told Molly having a family again made her feel less empty. I think her and Caleb just understand a lot of Molly's pain and grief in a very intimately familiar way, and it makes them both want to reach back out to Mollymauk like he did for him. Molly, who tells Lucien, "We love broken things the most," and gives his whole heart to try and save other shattered souls.

And I just love your idea that Yasha would see how Molly is grounded by color and light and joy and life; all the vibrant, beautiful things that Molly saw in the world, even though he still knew it was so "harsh and cruel." Yasha giving Mollymauk more wonderful memories to fill that Emptiness, to remind him that he is alive, and whole, and loved.

I think of Yasha holding onto Molly and hugging him as tight as she can when they fall asleep. Playing old songs from the circus on her harp. Beau reading pages from her journal aloud, showing off all the little trinkets she gathered in their travels. Jester fanning out the tarot deck and inviting him to pick a few cards. Drawing with him under the stars. Caleb casting Prismatic Image until golden memories flicker all around them, retelling all of their adventures like it's his favorite story, watching the way Tealeaf's eyes light up--

[darkleweather]

I’m catching up to Critical Role and I just had an interesting thought regarding Liam O’Brien’s three major characters over the last 8 years.

Liam has been open about the fact that during campaign 1, his mom passed away and it messed him up. In light of that, I find it so interesting that he seems to be working through that trauma with his characters…and healing.

When we first meet Vax’ildan in campaign one, he’s a bit broody, but mostly tough and snarky and a mischief maker. (Think of all the pranks he pulled on Grog.) But the trauma of Vax repeatedly losing those he cared about and taking on the mantle of the Champion of the Raven Queen turns him much more cognizant of the short time he has with his loved ones. He becomes more protective, more angry, more broody. Vax is clearly someone going through the early stages of grief.

Now think about Caleb. Caleb, who is quiet and introverted and clearly carrying deep, deep trauma and grief. And yet, he still loves and cares deeply, once the Mighty Nein have proven to him that they would die for him. Caleb, who we see move into healing as the story progresses. He never quite loses his sense of pathos (none of Liam’s characters do), but he very obviously ends the series stronger and in a better, more healthy place.

Now Orym. Who lost people he loved in an attack on Zephra. Who is still grieving, but it’s a quieter grief. It’s one that he’s made peace with, tucked away. (Although maybe not as much as he thought, given the events of episode 61, which is the furthest I’ve caught up.) Orym’s grief has shaped him, as it shaped Caleb, as it shaped Vax. He’s come out of it stronger, with abilities that he uses once again to protect, to love fiercely, and it seems like his life purpose is to make sure that no one he loves ever has to go through the grief he himself endured.

I just find it interesting how you can see Liam’s path through grief through Vax, Caleb, and Orym. (And I think it’s brave of him to put so much of himself into these characters.) that’s all. Just my rambly thoughts.

[stygius-cr-sideblog]

Thinking again about how much I love Jester Lavorre, and how different a party the Mighty Nein would have been without her.

The Mighty Nein, as a party, was very strongly characterized by their tendency to take in strays and make room for anyone who needed it, regardless of their circumstances. Compared to Vox Machina, whose vibe tends to distinguish strongly between "us" and "them", keeping VM a monolithic unit that others can be close to but not part of, the Mighty Nein are radically welcoming and quick to get on other people's level. 

This is true to the point where, already circa episode 20 of 141, there are jokes being made about the risk they run of actually getting nine members so they're no longer ironically "nein". "Welcome to the Mighty Nein" becomes a recurring phrase. And Jester is the one at the heart of that openness.

Think about the M9 at the start of the campaign. 

You have Caleb and Nott, who protect each other and only care about the group insofar as there is safety in numbers. Then, Molly and Yasha, who are also very much a unit even after leaving the circus (even if Ashley wasn't around for a lot of early episodes, it's very clear that they are each other's priority). There's Beau, who's on the run from the Cobalt Soul and not the most personable to begin with, to put it mildly. Fjord has the keenest group mentality at that point—understandably, as his adult life has been centered around life on a ship, where the needs of the group need to be placed above individual wants to ensure the survival of the ship. But he just doesn't have enough genuine openness in him at the start, when he's pretending to be someone else. Jester is the one who brings them all together and makes them feel like a true family.   

If Laura's character had been anyone but Jester, so much could have been different! Just to name a few examples that come to mind:

Jester was the first to rush into the swamp when they heard the sounds of a creature in distress and rescue Kiri. Kiri, one of the most iconic c2 NPCs, would have died without Jester.

Jester pushed Caleb to start trying to see himself in a kinder light, because of how staunchly she believed in him. As a friend, she brought him firmly into the Nein's support structure.

Jester was the one who made it her life's mission to befriend Essek. Imagine how much could have been different if she hadn't been around to peer-pressure him into awkwardly long hugs.

Jester carried on Molly's Oracle deck and was instrumental in getting under Lucien's skin with Molly's memories throughout that arc. 

For as much shit as Laura got during the campaign about "not healing enough to be a cleric" or whatever glaring dumbassery people were on about, if you pay attention, Jester is often at the core of the party's emotional healing throughout the campaign. Her whole-hearted support changes them for the better, and everyone they meet. And it's heartwarming when she finally allows herself to seek support from them when she's feeling bad, instead of putting on a brave face like she used to at the start of the campaign. 

All of this to say: I love Jester Lavorre.

[angelsndragons]

fjord’s feelings for caduceus changed in episodes 98-99

by which i mean, fjord finally realized how special and important he is to caduceus, which in turn set the tone of their relationship for the rest of the campaign. buckle up, this is a long one.

not when fjord threw away his sword and went to caduceus instead of jester. or when caduceus presented him with the star razor. or after the citadel fight when caduceus gave him his holy symbol. i think things changed for fjord in episode 98-99, when caduceus saved his life and removed the orb.

this is going to require some context.

because here’s the thing: fjord’s always looking for the price, waiting for the catch or other shoe to drop. people caring for him because of him with no strings attached is unprecedented. vandren and the world taught fjord that love is conditional, that only if you hide what others would find ugly and make yourself useful to them will they deign to give you a scrap of affection. i don’t think vandren did this maliciously, mind you, it was just part of his worldview and fjord’s life up to and beyond that point supported it. we can see that right up to the end of the show, where fjord is terrified that vandren didn’t remember him or that he didn’t mean nearly as much to the man as vandren did to him.

so we have fjord, who learned to don masks and hide his truest self, including his best and worst aspects. while fjord made the nein into a coherent group, into a force, a crew, a family, even, he still waited for that other shoe to drop. waited for the day that they would reject him because he was no longer useful or because he pushed them too far. you can see this waiting all over the early campaign; he’s not looking for an excuse like caleb to cut and run but he anticipates nearly all the moments that almost fractured the nein, in spite of that low wisdom score. while jester carried the guilt of not being able to save molly, fjord carried the guilt of not protecting the group in that crucial moment. travis confirmed on talks that fjord’s biggest fear when he lost his powers the first time was that he would no longer be useful and be kicked out of the group. 

that’s why fjord damn near broke down at the end of 72. the nein, no questions asked, with their standard level of snark, accepted that he was going to be a liability and kept him around anyway. armed him anyway. declared that he was no liability and that they would help him along until he could help himself and them again. this unconditional acceptance caught fjord completely off guard. it always does, really. because caduceus had said for months, an out of game half a year, that he was looking to reforge the sword as a gift for fjord. he said this to fjord’s face. he did not change course when he learned that the sword was a legendary blade forged by acolytes of the wildmother and moonweaver. the blade was still meant for fjord, even if fjord was still chained to uk’otoa. fjord extends his love and protection to the nein but is still not convinced the reverse is true. he was starting to believe it but he wasn’t quite there yet.

caduceus has a high enough wisdom to understand that’s fjord’s hang up even if he doesn’t quite understand the reasoning behind it. that’s why he pulls fjord aside in ep 75 and tells him that he doesn’t have to choose the wildmother, that there are other gods and other ideas out there looking for a champion. fjord, who at this point considers wildmom his only option (travis says she’s the only one who’s shown the slightest interest in fjord and that’s why he’s gunning for her), is befuddled by caduceus and this whole talk, so much so the pair end up talking past each other for the next several episodes.

after fjord officially becomes a paladin, things between him and caduceus become fairly...unsettled compared to their previous interactions. they talk past each other more, they aren’t in sync enough to double team those social interactions they were just starting to get good at. things are just weird for a while. to me, that’s fjord waiting for the catch, waiting for caduceus to call in some favor or something like it. and he keeps getting confused when caduceus doesn’t. so he tries once or twice to follow in caduceus’ footsteps and do as he would instead. and it just makes things weirder. these two don’t have a moment together that doesn’t leave one of them confused or unsatisfied until ep 87, when caduceus gives fjord the holy symbol and inadvertently kicks off the next phase of their relationship. because here, caduceus tries to put them back on equal footing and fjord recognizes it. caduceus rejects framing their relationship as mentor/student and tells fjord he doesn’t need caduceus to give him answers. fjord is “well on his way.”

by defining what they aren’t, mentor/student, our two boys inadvertently ask the question, “so what are we?” honestly, it’s a question that the entire group grapples with in the 90s as they reintegrate yasha, as veth struggles with the question of changing back and whether she can stay with the nein, as beau tries to sacrifice herself for veth, as jester learns some uncomfortable truths about the traveler, as caduceus finds his family again. fjord and caduceus can easily define what they aren’t - not mentor/student, not brothers or cousins- but what they actually are stumps both of them.

their relationship doesn't look like any of their relationships with the others: beau is fjord's bro and first mate, caleb is fjord's complicated mirror and admiree, jester his crush and first person he learned to be vulnerable with, veth his antagonistic sibling. on caduceus' side, caleb is the one he looks to for a fellow project nerd and clear, unvarnished goals, beau and jester are the sisters caduceus misses, yasha the quiet beloved barbarian he understands better than the rest, and veth a mess he wants to help but can't. but fjord and caduceus' relationship is highly undefined at this point. notably undefined, beyond their newly shared connection to melora. at the dinner with essek, we get the stone bomb. and travis and fjord panic. like no, seriously, they spend the next four episodes low key panicking over this revelation. this ties back to fjord waiting for those other shoes to drop but it’s also more than that.

when it comes to destiny, fjord has always been the answer, the self made man, to both caduceus and caleb’s questions about destiny. he makes choices about who he is, who he wants to be, and takes actions towards those goals. he is one of those rare people who can wear many different masks, take on many different roles, while still maintaining his sense of self and becoming a fuller version of who he is. when I say fjord is the answer to destiny, what i mean is that he is what ioun said way back in c1 about Fate: mortals make choices and through those choices, destiny is fulfilled. he is the answer to caduceus' own growth from passive instrument waiting for someone to play him to active communicator in this conversation between gods and mortals. in this sense, fjord is what caduceus learns to be (this is exactly why caduceus rejects a mentor role; he has as much to learn from fjord as vice versa).

so for this coincidence to pop up, this idea that maybe fjord only had the illusion of choice to extend his service to the wildmother, that maybe somehow he was manipulated again, that there was some grand destiny pushing things and fjord had no say in it, yeah, i can see why fjord was low-key terrified. so is this what fjord and caduceus are: just some predestined grand fairy tale partnership neither of them have that much say in? episode 96 resoundingly rejects that label too. for one thing, none of the stones or clays treat fjord's last name as anything amazing or spectacular. for another, this string of episodes gives us caduceus at his most human. the terror of not knowing what happened to his family, the uncertainty of his homecoming, the relief of saving his family and home, the irritation at the way the chaos crew treats the temple, the playful attitude caduceus cultivates after, it's all on display. caduceus drops much of his placid exterior and willingly allows the nein to see sheer depth of emotion he has.

which leads me back to episode 98-99. uk’otoa’s agents come for fjord. and caduceus is pissed. travis and ashley both said on talks that they hadn’t really seen taliesin that pissed, that it was like someone had threatened an actual loved one of his. fjord dies. and comes back to an exhausted, still pissed off firbolg who is five seconds away from snapping archmage vess derogna’s head off for interrupting his prayer of healing. taliesin doesn’t even begin to relax until they start interrogating the dead fish people the next day. once caduceus confirms the ball is still in fjord, notably caduceus and caleb were the two who remembered, fjord starts asking for a way to remove it. he asks caduceus to start a commune with wildmom in tandem with jester’s commune with the traveler. caleb tells fjord that caduceus fought “very hard for you while you were down, i don’t know if he’s up to it.” having heard that, caduceus still tries, with his first divine intervention attempt of the campaign. and when jester figures out that greater restoration will work, caduceus pushes through his exhaustion, takes charge, and goes through a truly terrifying greater restoration with fjord to remove the ball. convulsing, seizing, shuddering, collapsing, etc.

in those moments, and in the quiet after when fjord confirms that he still has his powers, it finally hits him that yes, people can protect, fight, and love him for who he is alone. there is no chain or other shoe waiting to be dropped here. the wildmother is no uk’otoa, to punish or take power at a whim. caduceus will fight with everything he has and then some for fjord because he loves him (not for nothing does fjord only realizes the depths of jester’s feelings when she uses heal on him). who are caduceus and fjord to each other? they are people who will fight for one another and the others as far as they can. fjord says over and over again that he wants to protect the nein and look out for them because he cares for them. he demonstrates it over and over again as well. caduceus says basically the same thing; he wants everyone safe and happily on their way and will stay until they are. he demonstrates this all the time as well. this is, i think, the first time that he demonstrates his dedication so unequivocally, free of the artifice of duty, fully committed through love. fjord recognizes this in caduceus and caduceus does in fjord.

i say this is a turning point because, while they don’t really have another super in depth conversation alone together, these two start clocking each other and openly help and look out for each other. there’s an ease and intimacy to the relationship after this. fjord watching caduceus swim near vokodo’s lair, fjord being ready to hand over his armor to caduceus when it looks like his won’t be ready, fjord, caduceus, and beau plotting behind jester’s back to keep her safe from the traveler, the absolute offense fjord takes to eadwulf after he spoke to caduceus like that, fjord levels up in paladin after caduceus tells him he’s proud to know him, all the way to the end of the show when fjord shelters the clerics and tells them to finish lucien, we get little moments like these from both of them. hell, caduceus is the first person in the campaign to tell fjord directly that he loves him.

[the-littlest-goblin]

ooooooooh for fic prompts, could i request: essek interacting with Frumpkin, specifically playing with him (so as to impress Caleb and earn his favor a bit), but our favorite hot boi most likely did not have pets growing up and is at a bit of a loss with what to do. (bonus: Caleb sees this and thinks it's incredibly endearing)

I think you got everything you wanted. ft. my personal 'here’s how Frumpkin can still win’ headcanon.

----

This was not how familiars were supposed to work.

Essek may not have summoned one before (he’d never really understood the use of an assistant with no opposable thumbs), but he had read enough about the spell to know that this was not how familiars were supposed to behave. 

Maybe that was because Frumpkin didn’t technically count as a familiar anymore.

No one knew exactly what had happened, or why. Essek and Caleb had exchanged a number of theories on the matter, but so far the best explanation still went to Beau’s conclusion: “weird fey shit.”

After Aeor and the Somnovem, when they had all finally gotten a chance to breathe again, Caleb had done some sort of ritual to more permanently banish his familiar. Essek hadn’t gotten the full context at the time, but it had something to do with symbolic closure and moving on. The cat was already gone from the Material Plane at that point, but Caleb had wanted to remove the temptation to summon him again, and so devised a sort of reversal of the Find Familiar spell.

However, upon performing the anti-summoning ritual, the cat had appeared in the ritual circle as if Caleb had cast the spell as usual. Only instead of going to his master’s side, Frumpkin had sauntered away from Caleb with a swish of his tail and gone to sit directly at Essek’s feet.

“Hmm,” Caleb had muttered, the hint of a grin twitching at the corner of his mouth. “It looks like he has made a choice.”

Ever since, Caleb had been unable to banish Frumpkin, or communicate with him, or give him orders. He had seemingly lost his magical connection to, and mastery over, the cat—Frumpkin was no longer his familiar, as had been the intention. It was just that Frumpkin apparently liked the Material Plane better than the Feywild, and so refused to leave. And since Caleb had let him go, he chose a new wizard to keep him company. For the next several days they had spent recuperating and planning their next moves, Frumpkin stuck with Essek, never straying from his side for long.

But, crucially, he did not become Essek’s familiar, a lesson they had learned quickly enough. Essek didn’t even have Find Familiar in his spellbook. He couldn’t banish Frumpkin, he couldn’t communicate telepathically with him, and he certainly couldn’t give him orders. 

So, Essek just had a pet cat now, one which happened to be fey in nature. Stranger things had happened—much, much stranger—so for Essek’s part, it had seemed easiest to just accept this development in stride. At times, he was even grateful for the cat’s presence. 

But right now, he was very much not. At least familiars were obedient.

Essek winced against the sound of shattering glass—a sound which was becoming somewhat routine since taking up residence in these new, temporary lodgings with Frumpkin as his roommate. 

Essek closed his eyes and took one deep breath before looking up from his notes to survey the damage. His gaze met Frumpkin’s round, amber eyes across the room, looking impossibly innocent where he sat primly on one of the tables which Essek had set up to house his research. His tail swished back and forth where it hung over the edge, acting like a flashing signal to point Essek’s attention down towards the starburst of broken glass glittering directly beneath him.

Mercifully, the beaker which Frumpkin had marked for termination had been holding a harmless and easily replaceable solvent, rather than any of the more valuable or dangerous liquids Essek had lying around in his provisional lab. His fingers curled protectively around the precious vial of liquid dunamis sitting next to him.

“Why?” He let the single syllable of the word stretch out into a long, bone-deep groan lasting several seconds. The question was aimed both at Frumpkin and at himself, and covered a variety of curiosities he had about the situation. Why did Frumpkin feel such a persistent desire to destroy Essek’s belongings? Why had he chosen to adhere himself to Essek in the first place, when he seemed to hold a deep disdain for everything Essek owned or did? Why was Essek incapable of learning the very simple lesson of locking the door to this makeshift lab? Why had he promised Caleb that he would take care of Frumpkin while the Mighty Nein dealt with the Assembly, instead of throwing the mangy beast out onto the streets of Port Dumali as soon as they had arrived at the safe house?

None of these were questions to which Essek was about to get any answers, so he tried another one.

“What do you want from me?”

Frumpkin blinked.

“You are still a fey being. You don’t need food or water, and as far as I understand, providing those two things are the pillars of caring for a pet. So, what else could you possibly need that requires my attention?”

Frumpkin flicked his ears.

Caleb had given Essek a brief overview of what to expect in terms of cat-care, but either he had chosen to leave out a lot of unsavory details, or decoupling from their arcane connection had put Frumpkin through a drastic personality change, because Essek had received no instructions about how to handle the kind of stalemate in which he currently found himself.

“You have my sincerest apologies, but unlike your previous master, I cannot read your thoughts, and your current methods of communication are lacking in clarity.”

Frumpkin’s tail began swishing faster. He broke eye contact with Essek to gaze intently at the row of jars lining the next table over. These were full of various concoctions, including some potentially dangerous acids, the results of Essek’s increasing boredom as he stayed hunkered down in his safe house day after day. He only ever went out for the duration of a Disguise Self to buy food or other necessary supplies; he was too noticeable to amble around the city for leisure, on the slim but ever-present risk that word of a strange drow in Port Dumali would reach the ears of Ikithon or his servants. Essek was under strict instructions to stay as hidden as possible until he got the all-clear from the Mighty Nein. With only the materials to continue his most basic experiments with dunamis, he was growing bored out of his mind. 

Essek heaved another deep sigh before reluctantly abandoning his notes and gliding over to where Frumpkin had stationed himself. With a short wave of his hands, the spill vanished and the broken shards of glass floated gently into the trash bin. Then, Essek unceremoniously lifted the cat into his arms before he had the chance to wreak any more havoc, and deposited him outside the door. 

Distraction removed, Essek made to turn around and return to his research, this time intending to lock the door to prevent further feline interruptions. But before he could do so, he made the mistake of looking into Frumpkin’s eyes again. The cat’s pupils gleamed, impossibly wide and round, and his tail was still swishing back and forth in an incomprehensible pattern, like some sort of code. A mixture of affection and guilt welled up in Essek, rooting to the spot.

Godsdammit, but he had promised Caleb he was going to take care of his cat, and that meant not ignoring Frumpkin when he was clearly trying to tell him something. Because even if Caleb no longer wanted a familiar to travel around with him, he still loved this damned cat, and also Essek was trying to be less callous and heartless in general.

He thought back to Caleb’s instructions with a fair bit of desperation, searching for some hint of what would make Frumpkin happy. All he came up with was a faint recollection, something about enjoying being scratched behind the ears.

“Is that all you want? Is that what you interrupted me for?” Fighting not to roll his eyes, Essek reached down for a pet.

As soon as he got close enough, Frumpkin lunged.

“Gah!” Essek snatched his hand back, nursing the sting of pain from Frumpkin’s bite. There was no blood; the little demons’s fangs hadn’t managed to break the skin. It could barely count as an injury, but the shock of betrayal hurt more than the scratch.

“What in the Nine Hells was that for?” Essek glared at Frumpkin, then noticed just in time that the cat was poised to strike again. This time, he only had to turn slightly to keep his hands out of harm's way, but Frumpkin wasn’t aiming for the exposed skin. There was a loose thread dangling from the hem of Essek’s sleeve, apparently caught by the previous attack. Frumpkin was intent on it. He flung himself at the thread, grabbing at it with his clumsy paws. It slipped through his grip, and he lunged again without hesitation.

Experimentally, Essek lifted his arm so the thread dangled higher off the ground. Frumpkin took the challenge to heart, leaping to grab it in his teeth before it slipped out of his grasp again, and he landed on the floor in defeat. Essek moved his arm over to one side, and Frumpkin followed with enthusiasm, this time managing to get the thread around one claw. The split second of resistance was enough to tear it from Essek’s sleeve. Frumpkin rolled over onto his back, victorious, batting his prize around in euphoric glee.

A grin spread across Essek’s face as he watched this display of simple delight. 

“I suppose you were just bored, too. Was that it?”

Frumpkin responded by biting the string with a vengeance. 

An idea began forming in the corner of his mind as he watched Frumpkin playing. Absentmindedly, Essek twisted his fingers and summoned a trace thread of dunamis into his hand, shaping and stretching it into a longer and longer cord of greyish, glowing energy, which he then dangled tantalizingly over Frumpkin’s head. The boring, non-magical string was immediately forgotten and discarded as Frumpkin caught sight of the dunamis toy. His whole body wiggling in excitement, he lunged at the cord again and again, pulling a genuine laugh out of Essek as he bobbed and weaved the magic around, dancing it out of Frumpkin’s grasp. He needed a break from his lab anyway, and this was shockingly entertaining.

---

“Well? How are they?” Just a hint of nerves colored Caleb’s voice, as it did every time they checked in on Essek. The fear that this time, the scry would reveal him not safe and sound on the Coast, far from the Trent’s reach, but somewhere cold and dark and threatening.

The faint glow faded from Jester’s eyes as the spell ended. Looking up at Caleb with a smile, she said, “You’re not going to believe this Caleb, it’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.”

Caleb grinned back at her.

[saphirered]

Hi! I love your pieces for Caleb. They’re all so sweet and heartwarming. Would you be interested in writing about the M9 individually in a relationship with a Druid reader? If that’s too much at once, just Caleb please? Thanks and I hope you’re having a good day :)

I hope you enjoy this one and thanks for the request ☺️!

Caleb Widogast

Your natural magic caught his eye from the very first time you used it. Caleb’s intrigued by what he may not 100% understand and he may have used his own desire to pursuit knowledge to mask his interests in you because to get a better understanding of your abilities requires getting to know you. Countless questions, conversations into the early morning hours to the point where you agreed to show him whenever you had the free time and could afford to use your spells and abilities without repercussion in a possible enemy encounter.

Every time you find yourself in your preferred environment he can’t keep his eyes off you. The peace and calmness radiating from you made even Caleb feel at ease, almost forgetting about the possible dangers lurking in the shadows. He sticks close to your side bathing in the comfort you bring him. He may not be as comfortable with pda but he can’t help holding your hand when he’s sure no one’s looking. 

When you’re alone he’s much more comfortable spending time in your arms (or take you in his) to the point where you wake up together with loud knocking at your door signing you may have slept in a little bit too long for some of the Nein’s comfort. 

It takes Caleb some getting used but a couple months into your relationship he’ll initiate holding your hand, wrapping an arm around you or even kiss you in public much to the surprise of the rest of the Nein. They wonder what you’d done to their wizard to get him to do such a 180 but you only gave him time and space to find what he’s comfortable with and what he isn’t or isn’t yet in some cases. Like the seasons things can change and once spring comes again the flowers bloom once more. Sometimes it just takes a little longer for winter to fade.

Beauregard Lionett

Beau wasn’t much into your ‘treehugger shit’ (her words) at first and may have had some strong opinions about some of your customs but she’s also a quick study and you’re hot so what was she gonna do? Not ogle you while you work your magic literally and figuratively showing off that muscle build from the harsh life in the wilds you’d lived for so long? You knew she was staring every time but any time you acknowledged it she would deny it or pretend to have a coughing fit. 

Beau’s behaviour quickly changed once she had a real talk with you finding out you were anything but a ‘treehugger’. You’re accustomed to the brutality of the wilds and the two of you can definitely relate when it comes to learning things the hard way. Up front nature may seem honest but it is very much deceiving. Your way of reading nature taught you how to read people and you got the pleasure of being so smug about teaching Beau about your ways after she finally settled down. The two of you learned to like each other and the attraction between the two of you became more than just physical. 

Despite pretending not to care or be open about her feelings Beau is anything but. Having someone to confide in without judgement or the risk of it being used against her has been a blessing. Whenever you get the chance and find a peaceful spot she always joins you for some meditation. 

She’s not afraid taking the lead in your relationship but definitely isn’t opposed to you engaging either. The two of you have a functional dynamic and while you may have your arguments you always work it out in the end because you’re stronger together than you are apart. Besides, she can’t complain when you come in after a fight to heal some of her bruises be they to her body or her ego. Neither of you have any expectations and just take it day by day but you’re together nonetheless and honestly, you could both see this carry on in the future. 

Fjord

You’re as comfortable on the ocean as you are on land. This was something very important to Fjord when the two of you became more than just travel companions and friends. While he himself may at this point not necessarily want to return to the oceans soon out of fear of his former patron he would love to return to the port sights and trade routes and he’d love nothing more than bringing you along if you’d let him. 

Learning you had quite the arsenal of water based spells was a surprise and may have left him a tiny bit salty at what he had to go through to the point he is now for a fraction of that but he quickly got over it after you eased his mind. For how confident and charismatic he may be he can be quite awkward and shy when it comes to anything to do with romantic affections, especially engaging in them but luckily you aren’t and you are more than happy to push him into the deep with his consent of course. 

While he prefers to stay somewhat by your side and may jokingly say so he can protect you like the valiant paladin he is but in all honesty you both know he really just feels safer with you close by and you’ve saved his ass on more than one occasion, a fact you won’t let him forget and if he’s deemed you’ve had your fill he’ll just trow you over his shoulder and walk away with you. You may pretend to be grumpy or upset but your facade drops quickly and doesn’t fool him but a quick kiss ‘remedies’ your ‘mood’ quickly. 

At this point he’s grown so accustomed to you being somewhere near he sleeps much easier when you’re there. He may at one semi-drunken night have told you he’s sure you keep the nightmares at bay. Fjord would do almost anything for you even if that means a dreaded shopping trip. As long as he’s with you he actually enjoys it because it means he gets to spend more time with you. Though if he had to pick a favourite it would be any time the two of you had a moment to yourself on the ship just watching the waves and the clouds, his arms wrapped around you and head leaning on your shoulder. 

Veth 

Ever the kleptomaniac she’d stolen many personal possessions of you over time but only to admire them. Veth always returned them to you in the end but she simply couldn’t help but feel the itch to have a small collection of your things to herself. Though from the moment she had you she no longer really needed the material anymore because you are more than enough; you are her treasure. Though that doesn’t prevent her from stealing from others. 

You’re her partner in crime and she loves that about you. You have her back at all times and she has yours. Besides, what’s better than summoning literal lightning to make your grand escape from the chasing guards or a carefully created slab of ice in the middle of a street. 

When she came clean about her story you reassured her many times you wouldn’t feel any different because at heart she’s still the same and you love her for who she is. 

You love helping her with her ‘little side projects’ and while you may not be an expert tinkerer or alchemist you’re pretty nifty when it comes to the natural base elements and are happy to provide a flame to heat things up, ice to cool things down or a gust of wind or two to get rid of the nasty chemical smells and dusts. You’re the perfect team and she loves calling you her ‘lovely assistant’ whenever you’re working on something together. 

Jester Lavorre

Jester fell in love with you the moment you used your druidcraft to grow some vines and trip up some grumpy man who was rather rude to her. You have a knack for mischief yourself and the two of you make quite the team. While you may not be completely onboard when it comes to her deity the two of you had a mutual understanding; Jester’s best interest and you’d work together to make the world just a little more mischievous playing non-harmful pranks to lighten spirits. 

You’ve been a rock in the tiefling’s chaotic life and keep her grounded when she needs it. You listen to her worries and she to yours and the two of you have a mutual understanding and trust. Sure Jester may have proven in the past she’s not the best at keeping certain secrets, yours she’ll take to her grave. 

Jester loves braiding your hair, simply combing through it whenever she can or twisting a strand around her finger whenever you’re even remotely within close range of her. You listen to her and engage in conversation whenever she’s read a new novel and even let her read them to you. She’s very much a hopeless romantic but it’s cute. Your visage takes up many pages of her sketchbook and no one is allowed to mess with those pages. Not even the Traveler. 

When you were introduced to Jester’s mom you were nervous knowing the woman’s reputation and all that Jester had told you about her. You couldn’t help feel nervous and wonder if you were up to standards but Marion welcomed you with open arms only after making you vow to protect her little sapphire with your life. You proved that was exactly your intend but Jester did scold her mom for that saying it’s only fair she does the same for you as you love each other. 

Caduceus Clay

To say your relationship (more like lack thereof) is ‘unconventional’ is an understatement by most standards. You’re not lovers as neither of you are interested in the romantic nor physical aspects of a relation. Though you both do love watching from the sidelines as the relations of others evolve. You’d say the two of you have more of a partnership, like the best of friends and never would it become anything beyond that and you’re both happy with that out come.

You had always been connected to nature and Caduceus couldn’t help but see aspects of the Wildmother in you. He finds comfort in your presence and familiarity whenever you’re around. Especially in more rural areas, it’s like you’re the living breathing personification of nature. You give him a sense of home and you can say that feeling is mutual. 

The two of you are often found preparing food or tea sharing an affinity and love for the subject. Though you’re a much more versatile when it comes to your actual knowledge on the subject of nature and its diversity opposed to him having been confided to one environment for most of his life. 

From the moment you were introduced to his family they had already absorbed you up into their family. You may not be a Clay by blood but you certainly are one in spirit. His parents refer to you as their child and his siblings have taken to calling you their sibling. You’ve been their long lost Clay and with the blessing of the Wildmother you truly were accepted as one. 

Yasha Nydoorin

You bonded over your mutual love for flowers. Yasha had a past she’d rather not talk about and you weren’t one to pry. Every time you notice she’s feeling down and conflicted you’re never afraid to conjure up a little bouquet of flowers to gift her, the gesture always putting a smile on her face. 

At first Yasha may seem very distant and maybe even cold but she’s very much the opposite once you get to know her. She has a hard time trusting people but over time she opens up to you and you couldn’t be more grateful and honoured she did. 

It’s always been undeniable there’s a chemistry between the two of you but neither of you felt it the right time to admit to your feelings until you were quite literally locked in a room together. You had some good talks and came to the conclusion it could be a now or never and both of you would much rather take every second you could get than regret having missed even a single one. You’re very comfortable expressing your feelings as you’re both very in touch with them but only recently have the terms of endearment and physical affection become a public display. 

You’re there for each other no matter what and issues or arguments are quickly resolved if you have any as you both know where you stand and in the end your love for each other is much stronger than some petty disagreement. 

Mollymauk Tealeaf

Molly’s always been a mystery for many and a mystery he may remain but somehow you saw right through his act and that definitely earned his attention. He’s a very physical person and wears his heart on his sleeve. You were never opposed to him wrapping an arm around you or kissing your temple whenever you did something nice for him. That’s always just been Molly but it’s the little things you notice that gave away there may just be more than friendly feelings. 

Something that both excites and frustrates him before and in your relationship is your ability to get him all flustered. Sure he can do the same to you and he enjoys it every time he does but when you use it against him he’s not opposed to pulling out the big guns. Innuendos, sappy pda and terms of endearment often lead to full on make out sessions to the point where you’re told to get a room which you happily do. 

You’ve messed with plenty of people but your favourite has to be where he pretended to be a priest of the Raven Queen and you used your druidcraft to decay blooming flowers and bring them back to life and used a little gust cantrip to blow his hair and cloak dramatically in the wind. Sure once the facade was revealed you had to leave town quickly but you giggled for weeks and even now the mere thought sends you into laughing fits. 

Traveling the world is one thing. Molly doesn’t know about his past and you’ve left yours far behind. Your home is with each other and you’ll follow each other until the very end. 

[lexa-lives-in-us]

!!!!!!

May I request a Marion/Dairon snippet of what their future might look like in the undercover au?

The small celebrations turn into a fully fledged party. There is food, and music, and Dairon makes sure to keep an eye on Veth and Yasha for the first hour, because they keep tinkering with the shirt cannon until they are quite sure it's not fit to only throw t-shirts anymore.

But Caleb lures Veth away with the promise of good cocktails, and Yasha is easily distracted when Beau starts to drunkenly dance in the middle of the room.

The kids drink a bit more than what Dairon feels is necessary, and they suddenly feel very old and very boring.

They know they would've done the same at their age, and they also know that, as intoxicated as they are, these kids would probably be able to successfully go out and rob a bank and disappear into the night if it was needed.

So they sit back on the couch and try not to worry.

They sip at their drink, a concoction of something that Caduceus has put together almost casually, and she begins to feel the slight buzz of the alcohol. They're not drunk, not as much as the kids are, but they are positively and happily tipsy.

Marion collapses on the couch next to them, her own drink nearly finished in one hand and a darker shade of red on her cheeks.

Dairon leans back, rolling their neck on the back of the couch, before smiling softly at her.

"Are you happy, my darling?" Marion asks, husky and just slightly slurred.

Dairon chuckles, feeling lighter and more carefree than she's felt in a really long time.

"I am." they murmur, and Marion places her own empty glass on the ground before reaching for them.

Long fingers clasp Dairon's jaw, and Marion's tongue slowly licks Dairon's lips before the woman decides to kiss her.

Dairon melts against the couch, maneuvering themselves to also get rid of their glass and use their free hand to cup Marion's neck.

They make out, a bit sloppily, and Marion grabs their tongue between her teeth and sucks slowly on it until Dairon's hips slightly jerk forward.

An imperceptible movement for everyone else in the room except for Marion.

"Take me to bed." she commands, voice low and dripping with want.

Dairon could not say no if they were sober, and there is absolutely nothing more that they could want right now.

They barely throw a glance to the rest of the room, but Caleb and Caduceus are passed out in their beds, Fjord and Jester are curled up on their own bed and Beau and Yasha are still pressed against one another, slowly dancing at the rhythm of the new song.

No one is going to even notice they're gone.

Dairon gets up, pulling Marion with them, and they barely make it to the room before Marion's hands are digging beyond the hem of Dairon's pants.

They barely manage to close and lock the door behind them before Marion falls to her knees, dragging Dairon's clothing with her.

They barely notice the soft, steady pumping of the music coming from the other room, as Dairon finally pushes Marion onto the mattress and drives themselves into her, fingers curling and searching, their mouths locked in a searing kiss.

***

Veth leaves first, and they wave goodbye to her, Jester and Fjord as they all drive to the airport.

Witnessing Marion hug Jester and hold her closer to her chest, tears threatening to escape, is something Dairon never thought they would want to see.

Marion traces her daughter's face as she stares at her with loving intensity, almost like she's trying to commit it all to memory.

"You be careful, my sweet Sapphire." she tells her, and Jester closes her eyes and leans against her mother's touch.

"You, too, Mama." she says, and if anyone other than Dairon notices her voice shaking, they don't say a word. "I love you. Be happy, yes?"

It's a powerful, charged question, and it almost surprises Dairon when both Marion and Jester turn to glance briefly at them, before Marion whispers "I will."

Dairon feels like they're intruding, but Jester gives her mother one last squeeze before she approaches Dairon to hug them as well.

"Be careful and be happy." Jester repeats, and Dairon closes their eyes for a brief moment, allowing themselves to hold Jester's close for a long moment.

"I will do my best to protect her, Jester." they promise in a whisper, and they feel Jester smile against their shoulder.

"I know, Dairon. I'm not worried at all." she says, and she sounds incredibly sincere.

They watch them go, and only after the car has disappeared past the treeline Marion reaches for Dairon and lets herself cry.

The Nein watch her with dark expressions on their faces.

Dairon holds their lover with their heart breaking in two, and when they catch the somber expression on Beau's face, it shatters even more.

"It never gets any easier." Beau mutters, pulling Yasha against her side to squeeze her closer.

"It never will." Caleb echoes. "Let's get back inside."

***

It takes another day for them to clean up and close the safe house, picking up the equipment they can't leave behind and making sure everything else is undetectable.

Dairon and Marion help however they can, mainly observing the expert movements of these kids who are way too used to uprooting their lives to move them around the globe.

By the time nighttime hits, Beau comes back from driving Caduceus and Caleb to the airport, and then it's just the four of them.

They eat dinner in silence, finishing up all the leftovers Caduceus has saved up for them, and they don't stick around long afterwards.

In the darkness of what has been their room for the past few weeks, Marion places her head on Dairon's chest.

"A lot is going to change."

Dairon frowns.

"A lot has already changed, love." they mutter. "This feels like an avalance that we can't seem to stop."

Marion is quiet for a long moment.

"We'll be fine." she says, and it's determined.

Dairon decides to believe her.

***

They settle in Paris, and it's weird to go back to the same city where they have almost all died.

Dairon settles in Beauregard's safe house, a medium size two-bedroom apartment with a balcony facing the Eiffel Tower.

They raise an eyebrow at Beau and Beau blushes slightly.

"Yasha wanted a place with a view, how could I say no?"

"Whipped." Dairon grins, but before Beau can say anything back, Marion interjects from where she's taken a seat on the queen size bed.

"This bed is too small."

Dairon reply without even thinking about it: "We'll get a bigger one."

To which both Beau and Marion respond with a grin.

Beau backs away from the room to go and find Yasha, miming the sound of a whip hitting target.

***

Life in Paris is surprisingly easy.

As it turns out, Parisians don't really want to interact with tourists, or foreigners in general, and Dairon is more than happy to keep it that way.

They move around the city by foot, and start working with one of Marion's physiotherapists to get their arm back in tip-top shape.

After that, they sign up to a local gym, take personal training lessons to get back into shape and then rent out the studio for their own training classes.

They build their contacts back from scratch, using some of Beau's resources, some of Marion's and some of their own old ones.

Dairon lays low and doesn't make friends.

Not outside the Chateau, at least.

Inside of it, on the other hand, everyone learns who they are, or at least what is essential to know.

Dairon is Marion's lover. They are not a famous companion, they are not a VIP, they are not a well paying client. They are the person who gets to ask for Marion at any moment of the day and they get to know every single one of Marion's movement.

Marion Lavorre is very adamant of the fact that Dairon is to be allowed to handle the place as if they were Marion herself, and after Dairon slams one of the door security guards and lifts them against the wall with their good hand on the first week for trying to make fun of them and their relationship with Ms. Lavorre, nobody dares saying or doing anything ever.

Dairon and Bluud, the security guard, actually end up becoming pretty good friends, to a point where he invites them over to the Chateau gym to spar with him and the others on the security team.

Dairon learns every nook and corner of the Chateau, and they stop by at least once a day to either greet Marion with a good morning kiss, bid her goodnight with an evening one, or simply have a meal break with her.

Sometimes, Marion would drag them down with her eyes still half closed with sleep. She would kiss them with closed lips, always very self conscious about her morning breath, and she would snuggle closer to Dairon's chest until they both doze off to sleep.

Sometimes, Marion would wait for them at the end of the day with a bottle of fine wine and freshly baked goods from the kitchen and they would chat, sitting on the outdoor chairs on the balcony, telling each other about their days.

"Does it ever bother you, what I do?" Marion asks, almost every day for the first few weeks.

"No, it truly doesn't." Dairon responds in honesty. "I trust you, and I know you enjoy what you do. You love it, and I love you."

It comes easier and easier, to say those few words.

Marion always smiles and doesn't respond, kissing them instead.

Sometimes, Dairon would come back to their own place after a long day of sneaking around to find Marion already sitting on their bed, with her long hair draped around her shoulders and a pair of jeans and a shirt that would remind Dairon of different times.

Dairon would then press her against the mattress and claim her as theirs, kissing every inch of Marion's body to make her shiver.

"My darling." Marion would whisper, body arched in pleasure, nails scraping the back of Dairon's head clutched between her thighs. "My Dairon."

Sometimes, Dairon would drop on the mattress face first, and Marion would be the one taking care of them in the way Dairon would mostly need on the day.

"I was made for loving you." Marion tells them on the day of their sixth month anniversary.

Dairon's breath catches in their throat.

"You're a dangerous woman, Marion Lavorre." Dairon responds. "You make me want to do dangerous things."

Marion giggles, hand caressing the top of Dairon's head, looking absolutely stunning above them, naked body barely illuminated by the moonlight coming through the open window.

Sometimes, they would talk about their jobs.

"What do you want to do?" Marion would ask regularly, and Dairon updates her on their progresses, on what they built and what they discovered.

They both keep in touch with the Nein, and Dairon secretly picks up Jester at the airport to then show up at the Chateau's doors with her in tow, surprising the hell out of Marion.

Dairon receives a similar visit from Beauregard as they walk to their usual table at the Chateau's restaurant, finding their adopted-like daughter sitting comfortably with Yasha at her side and Marion grinning like a madwoman in front of them.

They are leisure and business visits at the same time, because shop talk is inevitable when they're all spies, but Marion never seems to mind.

They are all making good way with their leads on the Angels of Iron, and Dairon and Marion are constantly reassured that Marion is still safe since the Gentleman has left town and found refuge in Turkey, and Dairon sighs in relief every time Beau confirms no one seems to suspect they're actually still alive.

"We still don't have enough information to close in on them." Beau tells them one time, on a rare occasion where Jester, Fjord, Beau and Yasha all manage to find themselves in Paris at the same time.

Dairon nods, and Marion simply waves for another bottle of wine.

"Soon, my darling child." Marion promises, and Beau smiles gently at her. Dairon knows the kid way too well to not notice the way Beau's shoulder seem to lose a bit of tension every time Marion acts to motherly towards her.

Dairon wraps their arm around Marion's waist as they wave goodbye at the four kids from their balcony at the Chateau.

Beau and Yasha walk hand in hand in the middle of the Parisian street, followed by a dancing Jester and a laughing Fjord.

"Did you ever think we were going to adopt all of them, one day?" Dairon half-jokes, and Marion giggles, hiding her face in Dairon's neck. When she's not wearing heels, she's much shorter than them.

"Never." she admits. "Not that I mind."

"Having seven unhinged young-adults to look after?"

The moon reflects in Marion's eyes when she turns to look at them.

"Being a parent with you." she says, bluntly, honestly, and Dairon's jaw drops.

"Flies don't make a good snack, darling." Marion chuckles, placing two fingers under Dairon's chin to force their mouth closed. Once it does, she presses a quick kiss to their lips.

"Are you implying...?"

Marion shrugs, snuggling closer and looking out towards a half asleep Paris.

It's been almost thirteen months, and yet Dairon doesn't think they could ever get used to that view.

"I'm not implying anything." Marion murmurs. "I'm just putting ideas into the universe for the future. I have no interest in bearing a child, my darling, nor, I assume, do you."

Marion shrugs, her hand lazily caressing Dairon's chest.

"We lead dangerous lives. That much is true. We are far from being safe, and even once the A of I are out of the picture I doubt you would just... Retire from the scene."

Dairon thinks about it for a brief moment, then nods.

"I don't think I ever wanted to, no." they confirm.

Marion hums, like she wasn't expecting anything different.

"Precisely. No, I'm not talking about a baby." Dairon feels her smiling against her shoulder. "Maybe a teen. Someone we can help and rescue. Someone who just needs a roof, a family, and who should not grow out of the system."

Dairon's shoulders tense. The wording feels way too specific.

"Who told you?" they murmur, without any real anger behind their words. Only the usual, instinctual response of a past that will never stop haunting them.

"Fjord." Marion admits freely. "He also grew out of the system, and he mentioned you might as well. He is pretty good at picking up these things, I must say. My daughter is lucky to have him."

Dairon swallows, feeling their throat very dry, all of a sudden.

"Not even Beauregard knows, I don't think." they murmur after a while.

"I would never tell her." Marion promises, and Dairon believes her.

"I never really thought I would be a parent." Dairon whispers, eyes fixated on the horizon. If they focus hard enough, they might be able to spot the minuscule dots that are Beauregard and Yasha walking away.

"And yet..."

"And yet, that obnoxious child has plummeted in my life when I least expected it." Dairon grunts, making Marion laugh.

"Darling Beau is not obnoxious, Dairon." she pokes at them. "She is much more similar to you than you would ever like to admit, so if anything, she's just as obnoxious as you."

Dairon scoffs, but they can't hide the laugh behind it.

"You are impossible."

Marion hums in agreement.

For the longest time, silence hangs comfortably between them.

The gentle breeze envelopes them, and Marion's evening dress floats gently with it. Marion hides her face in Dairon's neck and Dairon presses a kiss on the top of her head.

Finally, a smile tugs at their lips.

"A teenager will be a lot of work." they murmur. "But I think we'll handle it."

Marion's breath itches, and the woman presses her face against Dairon's skin.

"Oh, my love..."

[bevioletskies]

if i keep my heart out of sight

summary: Apollo used to think Klavier was an open book - someone honest, someone uncomplicated, someone who didn’t have anything to hide. But when Klavier asks Apollo to accompany him on a visit to see Kristoph, Apollo finds himself starting to think otherwise.

word count: 4.2k | read on ao3

a/n: For @klapollo-week, day three of seven (prompt: "protection"). All seven of my fics take place in the same continuity! However, each can be read as a stand-alone, with the exception of day seven being a sequel to day five.

This fic takes place at some point in time between Dual Destinies and Spirit of Justice, but doesn’t reference any specific plotlines otherwise. Fic title is from the song If I Keep My Heart Out Of Sight by James Taylor.

“You don’t have to, Apollo. I know I’m probably asking too much of you, so if - ”

“No, i-it’s okay, you just - you surprised me. I’ll, uh, I’ll be there! Only...we’re not going on your bike, are we?”

Klavier blinked. His expression scared Apollo; he’d never seen Klavier so stoic, so serious, not even during the most crucial moments of a trial. Then, Klavier burst into laughter. “Achtung, I ask you to come with me to visit mein Bruder in prison, and that’s what you’re concerned about?”

Huffing, Apollo narrowed his eyes at him. “Actually, I’m more concerned about you calling me ‘Apollo’ a second ago. You feeling okay, Gavin?”

“Obviously I’m feeling just fine, Forehead, as you can plainly see by me wanting to talk about Kristoph for a change,” Klavier drawled, his lazy smile betrayed by the sharp glint in his eyes. “And nein, not my motorcycle. Did you forget I have a car?”

“Apparently,” Apollo said. “You ever mess up the exhaust pipe on that one, too?” Now it was Klavier’s turn to glare. “Kidding, kidding. So, uh...what brought this on? Why do you even wanna see him?”

“Misguided need for closure?” Klavier let out a short, harsh chuckle. “Or maybe I’m just bored.”

Apollo had to look away from Klavier for a moment, the rush of emotions that had crossed his face just then too overwhelming to bear. They were standing in the courtroom, which was long empty now that their latest trial was over. Phoenix and Athena were waiting for Apollo in the defense lobby, while Trucy was back at the agency, eagerly awaiting the outcome. For Klavier, on the other hand, the only things waiting for him were the journalists on the courthouse front steps and the paperwork on his desk at the prosecutor’s office. “And...why do you want me to go with you?” Apollo asked, looking back up.

Klavier shrugged. “We don’t hang out enough,” he replied, grinning cheekily. He then turned and headed for the courtroom doors, lifting a manicured hand to wave him off. “I’ll text you, ja? Auf Wiedersehen, Herr Forehead.”

“Liar,” Apollo muttered, rubbing his wrist where his bracelet had squeezed him.

_____

Another week or so went by before Apollo found himself getting into Klavier’s car, his stomach turning unpleasantly. It was mid-morning on a Saturday, a time in which he was usually at his most relaxed - sleeping in, watching TV, and hanging out with his cat. But now, all he could think about was Klavier’s white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel.

“...Gavin.”

“Ja?” Klavier’s response was too quick, too loud.

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” Apollo asked. “You shouldn't force yourself to do something you don’t wanna do. If he, I dunno, contacted you and called you out or whatever - ”

“He didn’t,” Klavier interrupted swiftly. “And before you ask, nein, I didn’t contact him, either. Just this once, I’d prefer that he didn’t have the upper hand.”

Apollo’s face softened; he nodded. “Good call. Who knows - maybe it’ll work in your favor.”

They pulled into the Central Prison parking lot less than thirty minutes later. Apollo, trembling with anxiety, followed Klavier closely as they made their way through security. Prison, Apollo thought rather stupidly, felt cold, impersonal. At least Klavier radiated warmth, familiarity, though the guards seemed surprised to see him. That was to be expected, Apollo supposed, since it had been nearly two years since Kristoph’s imprisonment, and Klavier had never visited until now.

“Here he is,” one of the guards said gruffly after leading them through a confusing series of corridors. “Go on, then.”

Things were unsettlingly quiet for a moment. Apollo and Klavier stared at the reinforced door before them - Kristoph was no longer behind literal bars - waiting, anticipating, dreading what was to come. The only view they were afforded was a small window of an even smaller room, meaning they would only be able to see Kristoph from the waist up at most, even if he was on the complete opposite side of his cell. His back was to them, hands clasped neatly behind him. Klavier’s breath hitched. Kristoph turned abruptly at the sound.

“Ah.” Kristoph smiled pleasantly. “What an unexpected surprise. Mr. Justice, I didn’t know you still cared.”

“Hardly,” Apollo said through gritted teeth. Already, he felt the hairs on his arms stand on end. “Gav - Klavier asked me to come, so I did.”

“Still taking orders from a Gavin, are you?” Kristoph stepped closer. His face was gaunt, his skin ragged. Even his hair seemed to have lost its shine. “And here, I thought you were working for Wright. Or does he not pay you enough? Honestly, I wouldn’t think he’d be able to pay you at all. He’s very fond of working pro bono, from what I remember. How...charitable of him.”

“Hallo to you too, Kristoph,” Klavier said evenly, stepping in front of Apollo. “If you’re done being an arschgeige, it’s me you’re talking to, not him.”

Kristoph’s eyebrows shot up. “Is that so? I wouldn’t have guessed it, what with you shaking like a leaf.”

Klavier sucked in another breath between his teeth. “Do you really have nothing to say to me? Do you not think of our parents and what they think about you? What everyone thinks about you?”

Kristoph smirked, taking a few measured steps back. “Did they not teach us not to concern ourselves with the opinions of those who don’t matter?”

“So breaking Mama and Papa’s hearts, that doesn’t matter to you?” Klavier snapped. “If I were to bring them here, could you really say that to their faces?” Apollo glanced at him, worried. He’d never heard either Gavin mention their parents before, had always assumed they were gone in some sense. He couldn’t imagine what they were like, what Kristoph and Klavier’s childhood had been like, for them to turn out the way that they did.

“You’re better than that, Klavier,” Kristoph scolded lightly. He seemed to be enjoying himself; it made Apollo’s throat burn with disgust. “Emotional manipulation, hypothetical scenarios...they aren’t becoming of a prosecutor of your caliber.”

“That disappointment you feel? It’s mutual, vertrau mir,” Klavier retorted, letting out an irritable exhale.

“Is that really all you came here to ask me about?” Kristoph paced to the back of his cell, neatly dropping down onto the small cot he'd been given, covered with a threadbare blanket. At the very least, Apollo was satisfied to see how little he had. Phoenix had told him what Kristoph’s first cell was like, how infuriatingly luxurious it was. This was more fitting for a man of his morals. “If I’m broken up about hurting poor Mother and Father’s feelings?”

“Nein, that’s only the beginning,” Klavier said coolly. Apollo shivered, moving away entirely so Klavier could stand directly in front of the little window. “You know, even now, there are still people who think that I’m the arrogant one. The one who so desperately seeks validation, while you don’t have a care in the world. But tell me, Kristoph - if you really care so little about what people think, why are you the one in prison for killing someone who passed you over for a case that would've made you famous?”

Kristoph scowled. “Klavier…”

“And does it bother you, knowing that even before you became a killer, that everyone always preferred me?” Klavier continued, unflinching. “Our parents, our teachers, our family friends...the world at large.”

“Your silly insults are more suitable for a playground than a prison, how depressing,” Kristoph said, quickly regaining his composure. “After all this time, your lack of maturity still disappoints me. Not surprising, though, considering you were worshipped by the masses from a young age. But that worship, it doesn’t quite fill that emptiness, does it?” Klavier went pale.

Apollo let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. “The hell does that mean?” he demanded, his voice echoing throughout the prison’s hallowed halls.

“All Klavier ever wanted, ever since he was a little boy, was to be loved. How asinine,” Kristoph drawled. “It was our parents’ love of soaps and Austen novels that...inspired him. Made him the romantic he claims to be. Personally, I don’t believe he was ever deprived of love. As he said, our parents adored him, our teachers and classmates thought he was just so charming...but apparently, that was still never enough.”

“Kristoph,” Klavier warned, eyes narrowing. “Halt mal.”

“Did you know, Mr. Justice, that he’s never been in a long-term relationship?” Kristoph’s gaze went to his brother’s reddening face. “For all his talk, all his literal song and dance about love, he’s never had what anyone would call a romantic partner. Just...sex and bad dates.” He cocked his head, looking at Klavier inquisitively. “Is no one good enough for you, Klavier? Is it that you haven’t found anyone yet? Or...is that you have found someone, only they have no intention of ever loving you back?” He neatly folded one leg over the other, smirking. “I’m inclined to believe the latter. I know your tastes, after all.”

“You don’t know me,” Klavier said lowly. His fists were clenched so tightly, he was leaving fingernail indents in his palms. “I don’t think you ever did.”

“That’s more than most people can say,” Kristoph replied. “When was the last time anyone cared enough to get to know you?”

Klavier reeled back like he’d been hit, his eyes wide and suspiciously wet. “I - I - ”

“Alright, enough!” Apollo said sharply, tugging on Klavier’s elbow. It took a few tries before Klavier moved away from the door, his chest heaving with emotion. Apollo cast him a brief, concerned glance - Klavier refused to look back - before stepping in front of him so he could look Kristoph in the eye. “You know what, Mr. Gavin?”

“Tell me,” Kristoph said, smiling devilishly.

“I obviously wasted my time thinking about what I was gonna say to you, if I was gonna say anything to you,” Apollo said, his own hands trembling by his sides. “But I’ve made up my mind. I-I’m not gonna give you the satisfaction of letting you continue to stroke your own ego. Save that for when you’re alone.”

Kristoph chuckled, amused. “I’m sure that sounded wittier in your head, Mr. Justice. Next time, perhaps.”

“Asshole,” Apollo muttered, pulling on Klavier’s arm once more. “C’mon, let’s get out of here before we do something that gets us thrown behind bars, too.”

Klavier was worryingly silent, barely managing to plaster on a polite smile for the security guards who led them out. By the time they returned to Klavier’s car, Apollo expected him to be furious, to be beside himself, to be completely falling apart. Instead, Klavier was smiling, leaning casually against the side of his car like nothing had happened. “Achtung, I’m starving. Where do you want to eat? I’ll pay.”

“I - huh?!” Apollo’s anger was quickly replaced with confusion. “Wait, we’re just gonna...eat? After all that?”

“Maybe today will finally be the day you have a meal with me, ja?” Klavier teased, his grin widening. There was no trace of emotion in his eyes that suggested he was feeling anything less than perfect. “I mean it, Forehead. You choose.”

“Um.” Apollo cleared his throat. “I...I guess I have a place in mind.”

_____

Klavier stared down at his food with more suspicion than Apollo had ever seen anyone have while looking at a bowl of ramen. “...Gavin?”

“This might contain more sodium than I consume in an entire week,” Klavier mused. He then picked up his chopsticks and began to eat. Apollo exchanged glances with Mr. Eldoon, who merely shrugged and returned to his station by his stockpot. Sighing, Apollo started eating, too. He’d given up on the notion of Klavier talking about what had happened, and honestly, he couldn’t blame him. There was a reason Apollo despised Kristoph like no other, even after all this time. The less said, the better.

“It’s good, right?” Apollo said, chuckling awkwardly. He wasn’t sure whether to go with small talk or stifled silence.

“My compliments to the chef,” Klavier said, loud enough so Mr. Eldoon could hear. He seemed unbothered, waving a hand in bare acknowledgement. “Anyway, what are your plans for the rest of the weekend, Herr Forehead?”

“The same thing I do every weekend - sleep, video games, more sleep,” Apollo replied. “How ‘bout you?”

“MIght go for a run tomorrow, it’s been some time,” Klavier said, popping a piece of chashu into his mouth. “But sleep sounds sehr gut, too. I worked more than usual this week, so maybe I should sleep in, get a massage…”

“Sounds...nice.” Apollo was starting to think silence was the better option. He felt seconds away from bursting with a dozen questions he knew he wasn’t going to get answers to. “Hey, are you - ”

“Do you - ” Klavier cut himself off with a soft laugh. “Sorry, you go first.”

“Are you feeling…” Apollo trailed off when he realized Klavier’s eyes were fixed on him intently; there was something in them that almost felt like a warning. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. “Never mind, i-it’s not important. What were you gonna say?”

“Do you…” Klavier went quiet for so long, Apollo turned back to his ramen, intensely aware of how close they were sitting, how uncomfortable they both felt. “...regret coming with me?”

Apollo nearly choked on his noodles in surprise. “Oh - no, no, n-not at all! I mean, it’s not like I wanted to see him again, but...I’d hate to think what would’ve happened if you’d gone by yourself.”

Klavier hummed. “...then let’s not think about it, ja?” Just like that, he was smiling again. This time, it looked off somehow. “Herr Blackquill told me Taka made a nest in your hair the other day. Your forehead makes quite the landing zone, doesn’t it?”

“You shut it or I’m stealing your egg,” Apollo threatened, elbowing him. Klavier laughed, making a point to eat the remaining half of his soft-boiled egg before Apollo could snatch it from his bowl. Hesitating, Apollo set down his chopsticks. “Actually, y’know what? Never mind my ‘never mind’ - are we really not gonna talk about it?”

“Talk about what?” Klavier reached for his tea. “I asked if you regretted coming with me, you said nein. What else is there to say?”

“Oh, I don’t know, everything?” Apollo shot back, trying not to raise his voice. He didn’t want Klavier to think he was angry at him - after all, for once, he really wasn’t. He just wanted something, anything, aside from Klavier’s too-bright eyes and his indifferent smile. “Gavin, he - I - ”

“I think I liked it better when you called me ‘Klavier’,” he commented, taking a long sip.

“Don’t change the subject,” Apollo said, frowning. “Look, I-I’m not saying we have to talk about it now, but are you...okay?”

“I’ll be better once I get that massage,” Klavier said airily, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “I should book it now before I forget. Personal massage therapists can be so finicky, you know? Especially when I want something specific.”

Apollo narrowed his eyes. “I see what you’re doing, Gavin.”

“Making an appointment? Ja, Forehead, very observant of you.” Klavier turned to look at him, then winked. “Don’t worry, you’ll have my full attention again in a moment. I know you’re desperate for it. Just be patient, bitte.”

“You are impossible to talk to,” Apollo grouched, picking up his chopsticks again. “Fine, I give up. I guess I won’t, quote-unquote, ‘get to know you’ after all.”

“Hey.” The sudden bite in Klavier’s voice made Apollo jump. “Don’t do that.”

“I - ” Apollo shrunk in his seat, simultaneously stunned and subdued. “...sorry. Sorry, that crossed a line. It’s just - you’re…”

“I hate it when you sound like him.” Klavier turned back to his own food, pocketing his phone more forcefully than necessary. “It happens more often than you think, you know.”

“I...didn’t realize.” Apollo tried, and failed, to clear the lump in his throat. They ate in silence for the next few minutes, painfully aware of how their legs were pressed together, how they kept brushing against each other’s elbows and shoulders. “Listen, um...I know it might not seem like I’m on your side most of the time, but...if you wanna talk about it, I’m here. No judgement.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Forehead,” Klavier said, though not unkindly. “Anyway, I won’t bother lying to you, I won’t insult your intelligence. I think I do enough of that in court. So...I’d rather not talk about it at all. Why bother?”

“Why bother?” Apollo repeated, confused. “You don’t wanna, I dunno, process your feelings or whatever it is you’re s’posed to do?”

“And then what?” Klavier sounded more bitter than angry now. “Talking about my feelings won’t make them hurt less.”

“I...guess not,” Apollo said slowly. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Right now, it seemed like nothing would bring Klavier any kind of comfort. “...besides, it’d be kinda hypocritical of me to ask someone to open up, huh?”

“I wouldn’t know. I...haven’t had the chance to get to know you, either.” Klavier finished his tea, then wiped his mouth. Another uncomfortable silence passed between them. “After all, it seems like neither of us is particularly forthcoming.”

Apollo shot him a bittersweet smile. “Yeah, that, uh, that about sums it up.”

Klavier then hung his head, almost as if he were ashamed of something, possibly himself. “...sorry, Apollo. I don’t mean to take this out on you, it’s just...I’m not used to this.”

“Visiting your brother?” Apollo guessed.

“Talking about mein Bruder.” Klavier gave Mr. Eldoon a grateful smile when he wordlessly came over to refill his tea. “Or talking to you, whichever one sounds better. Or, you know, worse.”

“Try all of the above?” Apollo suggested, managing to get a short laugh out of Klavier. “Hey, I’m just keeping our options open. And, um...it’s okay, Gavin, you’re fine. Things got...really rough back there. I don’t blame you for being...you know.”

Klavier nodded slowly, his expression inscrutable. Suddenly, he sat up like he’d just remembered something. “Ach, look at me - I still haven’t said danke schön for today!”

“Oh. You’re, uh, welcome?” Apollo turned back to his food and began shovelling noodles into his mouth, his face growing steadily warm; he wasn’t sure how else to respond.

“Wait, I haven’t actually done it yet,” Klavier chuckled, the light in his eyes gradually returning. “Danke schön, Herr Forehead, for coming with me to see Kristoph. For...cutting him off after he said...you know…”

“...that.” Apollo cleared his throat. “Yeah, I know.” They both went silent again, though it wasn’t nearly as stifling this time. Klavier waited patiently while Apollo finished his ramen, humming idly to himself. He seemed to be in better spirits now, though there was still a fog in the air that hadn’t quite lifted.

“I can tell you still have questions,” Klavier observed, right as Apollo was taking his last bite.

“I-I’m not gonna push it!” Apollo protested. “You don’t wanna talk, you don’t have to talk. Simple as that.”

“Pick the easiest one, then, and I’ll answer it. Just so you don’t walk away empty-handed.” Klavier’s smile was pleasant, friendly, as if he’d merely offered to play a game of twenty questions to pass the time instead. Apollo stared at him for a little too long, still unsure of how to figure Klavier out, if he’d ever figured him out.

“Okay. Um…” Dozens of questions seemed to flood Apollo’s mind all at once, none of which seemed “easy”. None of them seemed remotely appropriate to talk about here and now, not while they sat on rickety seats at a noodle stand on a colder-than-usual Saturday afternoon. He supposed there was one question that seemed less invasive in comparison, only he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer and all it implied. Apollo sucked in a breath. “Was he right about you, er…‘finding someone’?”

Klavier blinked. “...are you trying to ask me if I’m single?”

“Gavin, I swear to - ”

“Because I’d rather not get into it,” Klavier continued. “Ja, I don’t have anyone. But I do have someone. Someone who means a lot to me, even if...even though they barely give me the time of day. And...that’s all I want you to know.” His voice cracked slightly.

“I...oh.” Apollo was more confused than ever. “Fair enough, I guess.”

“I can’t believe that’s what you went with,” Klavier said, laughing quietly, more to himself than to Apollo. “Of all the things to ask about, achtung. My relationship status, Forehead, really?”

“Apparently.” Apollo finished his tea as well, then sat back with a satisfied sigh. “Well, this has been...awkward.”

Klavier couldn’t help but snort. “You don’t say.” He then softened. “I’m still grateful you’re here all the same. Even though it made you uncomfortable, you stuck around. Danke again, I mean it.”

“You needed someone to look out for you,” Apollo shrugged. “That’s why you asked me, right? Not ‘cos we don’t hang out enough or whatever that bullshit reason was that you gave me, but ‘cos...I-I was there. When it happened. I made it happen.”

Klavier stood, averting his eyes so Apollo couldn’t see his face. “You could’ve said no. To be honest, I was expecting it.”

“I’m sorry you expected it,” Apollo said, his voice barely above a whisper. For some reason, he felt as if he couldn’t speak at his usual boisterous volume. “And I’m not saying, y’know, sign me up again, but...if you ever go back...let me know, okay?”

Klavier merely hummed, then tossed a handful of bills in Mr. Eldoon’s direction before Apollo could even pull out his wallet. He wordlessly started heading across to the street where his car was parked, Apollo trailing after him. “What about you, Forehead?”

“Huh? What about me?” Apollo asked. He was really starting to get mood whiplash, though it definitely wasn’t the first time today or even the first time in the last ten minutes, not by a long shot.

Klavier smirked. “Have you…‘found someone’?”

“Wh-what the hell does that have to do with anything?!” Apollo exclaimed. “And even if I did, I-I wouldn’t tell you!”

“Then let’s keep our secrets, shall we?” Klavier sounded strangely serious all of a sudden; it sent a shiver up Apollo’s spine. “Let me take you home now, ja? I think we’ve had more than enough of...everything.”

“Agreed,” Apollo said, getting back into Klavier’s car.

The drive back to Apollo’s apartment would’ve been completely silent, if not for Klavier’s insistence on blasting the radio at nearly ear-splitting volume. It didn’t leave Apollo much room to be alone with his thoughts, though he supposed at a time like this, he was glad to not have the opportunity. He snuck the occasional glance over at Klavier, who seemed to be back to his usual self - drumming his fingers against the steering wheel, head bobbing along in time with the classic rock they were listening to, lifting a hand every so often to fiddle with his bangs. If Apollo didn’t know any better, he would’ve thought this morning never happened. He found himself wondering, of all the countless number of times he’d been around Klavier before, if he really was as calm, cool, and collected as he seemed to be.

“Have a good weekend, Herr Forehead,” Klavier said once he stopped outside of Apollo’s building.

“You too,” Apollo said, getting out of the car. He hesitated the moment his feet hit the sidewalk; he turned back to look at Klavier. “Hey, Gavin? Good luck with your...someone. There’s no point in me telling you, y’know, that you should think about moving on to someone who actually cares about you, ‘cos…” He swallowed. “...that’s just not how it works. You just - you end up feeling your feelings before you even realize you have feelings. And it sucks. Like, a lot.”

Klavier smiled ruefully. “Eloquent as ever, I see.”

“Gavin - ”

“But I appreciate the sentiment all the same,” Klavier finished, grinning. “Speaking from experience, are you?”

Apollo glared. “Gavin,” he repeated, more bitingly this time. Klavier merely laughed, tossing his head back as he did. His blindingly white smile was even brighter in the sunlight; everything about it seemed familiar to Apollo somehow.

“Ja, ja, I hear you,” Klavier said, still chuckling. “Auf Wiedersehen, Apollo.”

“See you around,” Apollo replied, waving as Klavier pulled away from the curb. He let out a long, desperately-needed exhale, then turned and headed into his building. Their conversation still felt disjointed, unfinished, and he knew he had to be okay with that. He had to, or he was never not going to think about Klavier and his indifferent smile ever again. Right as he reached his door, his phone pinged, informing him that he’d gotten a text message.

maybe we’ll get to know each other someday, ja?

Apollo bit back a smile, then sent a reply before heading inside.

I think I’d actually like that.

_____

a/n: Welcome to my third entry for Klapollo Week 2021! Continuity-wise, this is the first of seven fics, but again, there is no need to read the others to follow each fic on its own. So...this got angsty. Someday, I'd like to write a fuller version of this premise; I feel like Dual Destinies implies that Apollo and Klavier are closer than the way Apollo makes things seem, so I can definitely picture this happening. Also, I've mentioned this before, but I weirdly enjoy writing Kristoph despite him being, you know, Kristoph.

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed! Likes and reblogs would be much appreciated. Hoping you're all safe and healthy and doing well ❤️

[omniscientwreck]

Day 5: Ashes & Artifacts // Two Librarians in Armageddon

Finally got around to day 5 of @shadowgastweek

Gonna try a text post to see if that gets more traction than the links? Idk how tumblr works anymore but please enjoy this lil reimagining of the moments surrounding Essek’s first Nat 20! 

Caleb stares across the intricate circle at Essek after having watched him painstakingly scrawl beautiful arcane glyphs across the skin of Cognouza. The fact that Essek can find new ways to use their combined talents while staring horror in the face is incredible. When he’d stopped for the stone Caleb hadn’t been sure whether it was worth it. After all, they’re coming back when this is over. 

However, he suddenly appreciated his friend’s foresight and his ability to prioritize. Essek held in his hands a portion of Dunamantic power, the thing he’d sold his soul for, and he’d willingly given it to Caleb. He’d offered it up seemingly without a second thought. And when it came down to it he not only condoned destroying the artifact, but had suggested it himself. 

Caleb knows Essek’s hunger for knowledge, he is intimately familiar with the temptation of understanding. He’s fallen to it before, it had been used against him, his former teacher had slapped him in the face with it. His hunger to learn, grow, and be stronger had made him into a weapon to be wielded and he nearly lost himself completely to it. Now, to see that hunger put in second place, for Essek to willingly starve himself for the sake of the Nein and their survival. 

He’s come much farther than Caleb had realized. He’s given gifts freely, he’s offered protection and aid in combat, he seems to be interested in knowing them. Truly learning about them and he senses no obligation there. He’s not just babysitting them for the Dynasty, he’s with them in hell to save the world because he cares for them and wants them to make it through. 

As the wizards stare across the circle rendered on stone made of flesh, they both cast. Caleb feels the arcane energy pulse and gather in his shoulders and it shoots from his hands, throttling the stone between them. Essek mirrors Caleb, his magic much more powerful, white hair glowing and flying back from his face where it’s been slicked with sweat, and the look on the drow’s face is pure determination. 

Time gets strange. It stretches out before Caleb and for a moment he sees hundreds of realities. It’s hard to tell them apart, there are a few where they fail, time becomes loose and rubbery before snapping back with no effect, in many timelines they seem to succeed, in more than one they’re not there at all. But as possibility and potential weave together he begins to feel better. He can see it on Essek’s face, the look of a discovery, of another experiment gone right, relief that he can help and be of use. Caleb imagines his face is similar but as the drow looks up at him he averts his eyes. 

Essek looked beautiful, lit up by transmutation and dunamis, their shared power casting a glow across the striking features that Caleb’s grown accustomed to. Essek kneels before him, manipulating the very stuff that makes the universe, hands moving almost fluidly like a maestro pulling art out of air and vibrations. In the bending of time he’s struck with the though of them in a different life. A life where they hadn’t been on opposing sides, where neither of them are important or significant, just two researchers together and sharing in discovery and joy. He knows this is not a likely future or even a particularly plausible offshoot of how things turned up. It’s nice though. To imagine them as glorified librarians working towards greater understanding and knowledge. Unburdened by national allegiance and treachery, no pain that they couldn’t face and conquer together. 

He knows he doesn’t deserve it but for a moment he can believe he’s earned rest. And then a strong wind coils around them, his lungs hurt for a moment and Essek explains that the effects are temporary. They begin joking, Caleb’s bones feel electric, he has energy, he has spells. He smiles, wide and proud at Essek who grins sheepishly back, a hint of flush glowing through his cheeks. It doesn’t last, he puts his guard back up and they get to work identifying. 

Once the Nein have decided on the most efficient distribution of items, Beau begins to meditate and Caleb pulls Essek briefly aside, retreating pointedly out of earshot from the rest of the group, “Essek, thank you.” 

He shakes his head, earrings dangling, somehow still attached, “You need not thank me, it’s the least I can do. You all are the only thing standing between our world and certain destruction. It was necessary and I would do it again.” 

“Even in this moment you count yourself out? You’re standing with us, Essek. You are a part of this and we nearly certainly wouldn’t be standing here without you. I know that with the others it will take more time, and I was admittedly hesitant to bring you here. But even amidst the ashes of those who achieved what you dream of you keep me on track. This is more than just survival. It’s taking time but I have faith.” 

He leaves the sentiment hanging, they’ve been through so much in the last few days alone. Essek will always be the man who betrayed his homeland as Caleb will always be the boy who slaughtered his own family. What the Nein have taught him, above all else, is that goodness comes from progression. To be good is to choose good and Essek has begun making that choice and making it consistently. 

“I do not deserve that. I am here to be of use, I am here to aid you and your friends. One day we will return to Aeor and that will be for us but for now I am not here for myself. You needed me so I answered your call, my only concern is to assist and to aid.” 

Caleb reaches across the inches between them, huddled and speaking in hushed tones and he grips Essek’s forearm again. “Allow yourself this victory, they’re few and far between and you deserve it. You are amazing.” 

Caleb wants to convey so much with a simple touch. He wants Essek to know that from the ashes of trust he is fostering new growth, he wants Essek to know that he cares for him deeply, he wishes this could be said out loud but time is fleeting and that is complicated. As the mages lock eyes his face softens, and Essek slips for a moment. Out of his eyes comes gratitude, relief, a fondness that fills Caleb with warmth and as his face twitches into a small smile as Essek flashes his teeth. Just for a moment, and Caleb knows they have to make it, he wants to know that smile, wants to be the reason for that smile. Before he gives away too much he pulls away, but Essek’s eyes never left his and for a moment, two arcanists facing the end of the world understand. 

[iatethepomegranate]

We are not alone in the dark with our demons, Chapter 10

In which Caleb buys a house in Rexxentrum with Beau and Yasha, becomes a professor, is showered in love and support, learns how to be a person again, and tries to protect those like him from going through what he did.

Content warnings: Panic attacks, vomiting, Caleb's backstory

Chapter summary: There's not a lot Caleb can do right now, but he can teach a hurting teenager a new spell and reunite him with his very much alive parents.

Chapter notes: I 100% believe that Astrid knows the Nein call Essek "Hot Boi." Chapter title is from Ghost by Jacob Lee.

****

Chapter 10: And I'm just a stranger who could be a friend

The first thing Caleb did was flip to the page in his spellbook where he had transcribed the Sending spell. It was far into the book. As he pulled out his copper wire, Felix made a sound of surprise.

“You learned this recently?” asked Felix.

“Ja, I travelled with a cleric friend for a long time who had the spell,” Caleb replied. “Not Caduceus; he was there too, though. Jester seemed to enjoy casting it at everyone, even mere acquaintances, so I never saw the need for it.”

“What made you learn it?”

“Jester insisted a few weeks ago, so I could talk to her while we were apart. I knew another wizard who could teach me, and we were spending a great deal of time alone together exploring Aeor, and exchanging theories.”

Felix, despite his distress, was absolutely smirking at Caleb and he was not about to deal with teasing from an actual child. “So… exchanging theories in Aeor? Is that what old people call it now?”

“Hush.” Caleb ran Felix through the basic somatic motions of the spell, before demonstrating it himself. “Hallo, Caduceus. I am teaching Felix the Sending spell. It will take a few hours. Let me know if anything happens.”

“Hey, Caleb. Beau has the monks looking for Nico. They’re playing nice with the Volstrucker, apparently. Don’t miss dinner.”

“Right, so you can have a single two-way exchange out of the one casting,” said Felix. “What’s the word limit again?”

“Twenty-five words. Now, this is a third-level spell. It will take some effort for you at the moment.”

“I’ve been to school, Bren. I know what spell levels are.”

“Call me Caleb. Or Professor Widogast, if you prefer. I do teach here now.”

“Fuck off.”

“Caleb’s fine.”

Felix rolled his eyes. “Whatever, Professor.”

This was better. Caleb could work with impetuous children. Most children he knew were like that. Caleb could tune his behaviour to whatever Felix seemed to find most calming. Or at least distracting.

Felix had great attention to detail, methodically copying out Caleb’s transcription of the spell and yet still finding excuses to make fun of Caleb along the way. It was comfortable, more than Caleb had expected. Felix only knew him by reputation, and one put forward by Trent, no less.

Maybe it was the shared trauma. Maybe it was the fact Caleb was teaching him something. Or because Caleb, despite being a professor here, wasn’t trying to inhabit a position of authority over him in the way Trent had.

Snacks were delivered to the room about halfway through the process. Felix paid it little mind, and that was painfully familiar.

“Felix.” Caleb could not believe he was enforcing a break. That he had become the kind of person who would pull a focused wizard away from study for mere human needs such as food. But he was responsible for Felix, at least for now, and that was a frightening pressure.

“Busy.”

Caleb closed his own spellbook, taking away Felix’s source for transcription. In its place, he put a bowl of fruit. “Eat.”

Felix paused, his pen hovering over the page, frowning. Then he slowly set it down and sullenly grabbed a plum. Caleb sat back against the wall, nibbling on a handful of grapes.

“Don’t forget to stretch before we get back to it.”

Felix rolled his eyes. “Why are you like this?”

“Listen, I’ve had many people do this for me in the last year alone. So I’m paying it forward, and you are going to accept that.” Caleb tried to throw a grape into his mouth, and missed. He grabbed it off the floor and popped it into his mouth. Chewed. Swallowed. “It’s good for you.” If any of the Nein had heard him say that, they probably would have fainted from shock. It was easier to give this advice than to follow it himself.

“I can see why Trent fucking hates you.”

Caleb snorted. “Oh, this does not scratch the surface of Trent’s problems with me.” He threw another grape, catching it in his mouth this time. “Did anyone tell you what my friends and I did to him?”

“No.”

“Well, he tried to ambush us at Caduceus’s family home. One of my friends may have ‘acquired’ evidence of his experiments from Vergesson, and he was upset that I refused to entertain his ego while busy with bigger problems. By the time we were done with him, Astrid and Wulf were on our side, my friends had permanently glued a silencing collar around his neck, and used the leftover glue to stick his hands together. And that glue was in the shape of a dick.”

“Bullshit.”

“Ask Astrid. She activated the collar. Or Beauregard. She put the thing on him.”

Felix had that look of a teenage boy who was trying not to look impressed, hiding it behind a veneer of sarcasm. “Okay. I will.”

They finished their break, stretched, and got back to it. Felix was clever, eager to learn. It brought back memories for Caleb. Good memories, as tainted as they now were. And as much as he was worried for Nico and grieved for what had happened, he was also indescribably relieved they had been able to stop Felix. If he could help Felix reclaim even the smallest amount of good from his stolen childhood, he would take that as a victory.

Astrid looked in on them as Felix practiced the somatic motions around his copper wire, his muscle memory already secure. With a few minor corrections, he would be ready to cast.

“Almost finished?” she asked.

“Almost,” said Caleb. “Felix, that was very good. Just watch that you fully complete the motion right at the end, and hold it until you finish speaking your message. With time, you can find your own method.”

“You learned this method from your special Aeor friend?”

Caleb sighed. “No, these somatic components are developed from watching several casters perform the spell. My colleague provided the basic framework to learn the spell, but his somatic components are more intricate than my own.”

“So he’s your fancy special Aeor friend.”

Astrid chuckled. “It’s not the silliest nickname he’s had. Now, focus. The Martinet is sticking his nose in our business and we need to get you out of here.”

Felix wordlessly practiced the gesture again, meticulously correcting his errors. He ran through the motion a few more times, becoming more confident each time.

“I think you are ready,” said Caleb. “Remember: twenty-five words. Consider them in advance. It may be worth telling Nico he can reply to you.”

Felix nodded and closed his eyes, counting on his fingers under his breath. And then he cast. “Hey, Nico. It’s Felix. I heard what happened. I’m okay. They stopped me. I hope you’re okay. You can reply to this message.” The barest pause. “Love you.” Felix held his breath, listening out for a reply.

Caleb let him have ten seconds, before breaking the news. “Felix. If he has not replied yet--”

“I know,” Felix muttered. He grabbed his spellbook, hugging it to his chest as he deflated, and Caleb’s heart broke. “Just… get me out of here.”

****

Astrid’s teleport brought the three of them back to Blumenthal. The path was muddy from yesterday’s storm. Felix gripped his spellbook tighter, raking his eyes over the buildings around them. The way he held himself, shoulders hunched, inches from bolting, reminded Caleb far too much of himself mere months ago.

“Felix,” he said. “We need to speak to your mother and father, but we will not put you in a situation you do not think you can handle.”

“I don’t know if I can do this.” And wasn’t that just painfully familiar. They had barely made it a few steps before he froze, closing his eyes against the vision of home.

Astrid looked to Caleb, silently begging for him to do something.

“Felix,” said Caleb, completely panicking on the inside, “we will not force you to do anything you don’t want to. Okay? Let’s walk for a bit. Take deep breaths. If we reach your house and you don’t want to go inside, I will stay with you and Astrid will talk to your parents. Is that all right?”

Felix nodded, and he took a step. Then another step. And another. They walked together down familiar but unfamiliar streets. They were in a different part of Blumenthal than they had been yesterday. Caleb blocked out most of it, concentrating on getting Felix through the next few minutes. His own shit did not matter right now.

Felix’s body language remained tense. His head stayed down, barely keeping an eye on where he was going. His fingers flexed around his spellbook. And Caleb was planning. A hundred different options.

Caleb refused to force this boy to face his parents before he was ready. If the time came, and he couldn’t do it, he would need somewhere else to go. Somewhere away from here. If Astrid allowed it, there were a few options. Veth in Nicodranas would take Felix if Caleb asked, but he wasn’t sure if Felix would feel comfortable being around a family like that, especially with a small child. Or Felix could stay at the Lavish Chateau, but Marion was a busy woman who had been through enough on Caleb’s account. There was the Gentleman’s hideout, but Caleb wouldn’t want to leave him alone there. He could take Felix to the Blooming Grove, where the Clays would willingly care for him, but taking a boy who almost killed his parents to a graveyard was possibly not the best option.

There was Reani, wherever she was, but he wasn’t so sure that Felix could handle her on his own, or that her rigid morality had shifted enough to take him in without killing him if she found out even a fraction of the shit he did while under Trent’s power. Taking Felix to Nila and her young family, who Caleb believed had returned to her clan, would bring up many of the similar issues as taking him to Veth. And the Guiatao clan had suffered greatly at the hands of the Iron Shepherds, including many deaths, so Caleb wasn’t sure that would be a good place for him to cope with nearly killing his own parents.

And Caleb was not putting Felix on a pirate ship, so that ruled out Fjord, Jester and Kingsley.

They could always bring Felix back to Rexxentrum and he could either stay on Astrid’s estate (possibly too traumatic) or with Caleb and the lesbians, but Ludinus was poking around and that could get messy. Not to mention the whole “harbouring a Drow fugitive” thing.

Caleb circled back to Veth. If Felix could handle it, he would feel most comfortable taking the boy to her if he wasn’t able to go home. Caleb hadn’t told her what happened yet; he was not looking forward to that conversation. Even if it would help him in the end.

Of course, this all depended on Felix. If he agreed to go home, this would be irrelevant. But Caleb felt better having come up with a plan.

They reached a quiet street. Felix headed to the house at the far end, partially concealed by a granary. Caleb thought, with faint nausea, that even the physical isolation of their parents’ homes could have been a factor for Trent.

Felix made it all the way to the small vegetable garden out the front of the house, but faltered between the carrots. He stared up at the modest house. A single-storey affair, small even for a family of three. The front door was painted cherry red. The boy’s lips parted; no sound came out. His eyes traced the features of the house - the red door, the two small windows, the thatched roof in need of maintenance.

A woman’s face appeared at the window. And the door flew open.

“Felix!” The woman ran out of the house, and Caleb was just barely able to take in her simple dress and heavy coat, blonde hair gathered in a loose bun. But as she got close, Felix stepped back, wide eyes fixed on her face, as she spoke in rapid Zemnian. “No one has heard from you in weeks. Where have you been? Are you okay?”

“I can’t do this.” And he was backing away. “I can’t.” He tore his eyes from her, and ran.

“Go after him,” Astrid told Caleb. He wasted no time chasing after the boy. Caleb had run from a great many things in the past few years, but he was not the fastest man alive. But he was fast enough.

Felix barely made it around the granary before he collapsed into the grass. Gasping for breath.

Caleb knelt beside him. “Felix, listen to me. You’re okay. Slow down, breathe. Let the air fill your lungs. Feel the grass beneath your hands.”

Felix dug his fingers into the dirt, gulping in air. He was listening, at least. Being on the other side of this was not especially familiar to Caleb, but he had coached Essek once or twice. He could do this. They could do this.

Of course, Felix barely knew him, so it wasn’t like Caleb could just hug him. That would probably make things worse. So he would have to use his words.

“Felix, you got this. How does the grass feel?” Caleb gave Felix a moment to process, and then he supplied options, taking a pause between each. “Is it dry? Wet? What colour is it?”

Felix coughed a little, sucking in a shaky breath. “Wet. Green.” His hand slid across the grass. “Short. Muddy.”

“Good.”

Felix leaned away and vomited onto the grass. Then he staggered to his feet, grabbing Caleb’s shoulder for support. They moved a little further from the house, and Felix leaned against the granary, knocking the back of his head against the wood. And he laughed, that kind of unhinged, hysterical laugh that was not funny at all. Caleb knew it well.

And then he was in tears. Caleb reached for his shoulder, carefully, and Felix didn’t shake him off.

“I was going to kill her,” Felix said quietly. “If you hadn’t… I almost murdered my parents. I love them. I love them… and it didn’t matter. I was going to… oh gods....”

“Felix,” Caleb said, and did a very poor job hiding the tremor in his voice. “I am so glad we found you.”

“What the fuck does it matter? I would’ve done it.”

“Felix, as somebody who did… it matters a great deal.”

Felix stared up at him, eyes wide and wild.

“I will not force you to go home if you’re not ready,” Caleb said, pulling his voice back under control. “All I will say is this: I would have given anything to see my mother and father again. I almost did. And I know it hurts to look at your mother, knowing that you were going to end her life because of a lie. But you didn’t. She is still here. So is your father. And you have time to heal, all three of you.”

Felix wiped his face on his sleeve, cleared his throat. “Okay. Danke.”

***

Astrid was seated at a small dining table with Felix’s mother and father. Nobody got up from the table when Caleb brought Felix in, though it took visible restraint from his parents. Felix took after his mother--blonde hair, blue eyes, soft features--but he was closer to his father’s build.

The father tore his eyes from Felix with visible effort, and when his gaze fell on Caleb, he froze. And Caleb recognised him, and his wife. Friedrich Schneider and Louise Fischer--probably Schneider now. They were a few years older than him, but he could recall playing together as children.

“I heard you were back,” said Friedrich. “You were helping Nico out yesterday, ja?”

“Ja, I was there,” Caleb said carefully. “As were Astrid and Wulf.”

Louise pulled out the chair next to her. “Felix, come here.”

Felix, still gripping his spellbook like a lifeline, shuffled over and fell into the seat. Caleb sat next to Astrid on the opposite side of the table to the family.

“I have given some details of Master Ikithon’s arrest,” Astrid told him. “We were just about to discuss options for support. If you would?”

“Ja, of course.” Caleb compartmentalised his old memories and focused on the task ahead of him. “We are organising a support group for Ikithon’s former students. We are still nailing down those details, but we will be sure to pass them on. I have also been appointed as a teacher at Soltryce Academy, and we are hoping to put the students back into school when they feel ready.”

Louise and Friedrich grasped at Felix, who curled in on himself but did not complain.

“We just got him home,” said Louise. “After everything Astrid has told us, why would we let him go back?”

“The students in Felix’s position are at a delicate stage of development,” Astrid said, with little inflection, and Caleb sensed she was compartmentalising as well. “They are quite skilled, but have lost the guidance they had. That is dangerous. Good or bad, Ikithon was…” She sighed, and the mask melted away a little. “He engineered this situation. We were dependent on him. Even those whose families still live. Bren, you have been out of his influence longer. Do you have thoughts?”

“Ja, I do.” Caleb had spent his fair share of time soul-searching in the past few weeks, as well as the past year as a whole. “Ikithon shaped each of his students in a very specific way: patriotic to a fault, willing to do anything to get the job done, and unfalteringly loyal to him. It is a gradual process. By the time you realize it is happening, you have already done terrible things at his command. For most, there was no way out. My situation is unique, because I was able to escape in a rather dramatic fashion, but it has taken years to shake off the influence he had on me. I was alone and homeless for most of that time, and let me tell you: almost every fragment of positive change in me happened in the past year, because I had a support network. I found people who cared about me, and they learned how to help me. It was a group effort. I am now in a position to offer that kind of support to others.”

“Say we let him go back,” said Friedrich. “Will he have to live in that place?”

“Not all the time,” said Astrid. “You are not far from Rexxentrum, so I do not see a problem if he wishes to come home regularly. Bren and I both live off-campus if he needs a break but cannot make it to Blumenthal.”

“You do not need to decide now,” said Caleb. “The seniors do not start for another few weeks.”

“We’ll think about it,” Friedrich said flatly. “What happened to Nico?”

“He did it,” Felix said quietly. “Had a breakdown. Ran the fuck away.”

“We have people searching for him,” said Astrid. “Bren taught Felix a spell to talk to him, if he likes.”

“He prefers Caleb,” Felix muttered.

“Danke, Felix.” Caleb had not expected Felix to speak up on his behalf, not when he had his own shit going on. “Astrid gets a pass and, well, your parents knew me when we were children. I go by Caleb Widogast these days, but I will answer to either name.”

“Why the change?” asked Friedrich, still in that flat tone of distrust.

“I went by many names after I escaped Master Ikithon,” said Caleb. “For safety. I gave that one to a woman who eventually became my best friend. Now, it’s my name. But, for you, I don’t mind.”

Both Friedrich and Louise did not look trusting. At all. A mere muscle twitch from openly glaring at Caleb and Astrid, really.

Louise sighed, and some of the hostility dropped. “Thank you for bringing Felix home.”

“We will check in regularly,” said Astrid.

“Felix can message either of us with the spell I taught him,” said Caleb. “If he so wishes.”

Things were too tense to continue much conversation. Caleb and Astrid said their goodbyes, and left. They did not speak, except for Astrid’s short incantation to teleport them back to Rexxentrum.

They landed on the outskirts of the Shimmer Ward. Astrid immediately combed her fingers through her hair, hands shaking.

“That was…” She groaned softly. “Thank you for coming. I will keep you updated on the search for Nicolaus.” She turned on her heel and marched deeper into the ward, pausing for a split second, before she continued onwards without looking back.

Caleb slowly worked his way back to and through the Tangles until he was home. He couldn’t fault Astrid for being distant right at the end. The last twenty-four hours had been intense for everyone involved.

It was close to dinnertime as he reached the house. He entered his side and shut the door, leaning against it as the strength left his body. He’d done it. Today had been two-thirds of a shitshow, and he had made it through.

Felix was home with his parents, and he had the means to contact Nico, and Caleb himself, if he wanted. That was a win.

Nico, however…

Caleb knew, intellectually, that it had been a freak occurrence. A series of imperfections had tangled together into a knot, and that knot had been Nico’s escape. Almost every wizard in that room had more than one try at countering Nico’s spell, but they had not been unable to unravel it. Nico, empowered by panic and grief, had thrown all he had into a powerful fireball, and had the adrenaline to power through what should have hurt him a great deal.

Caleb hoped he was okay. Physically, at least. Psychologically, Caleb knew he wasn’t.

He sat on the floor, resting his back against the door. And he tried something. Coil of wire in hand. “Hello, Nicolaus. This is Caleb Widogast. You may know me as Bren Ermendrud. I was with you today. I’m sorry we frightened you. Be safe.”

He didn’t expect a response, and he did not receive one. A small part of him feared Nico wasn’t responding because he was dead. It was all too likely. There was no way he hadn’t been injured in the blast. Once the adrenaline wore off, the pain could’ve taken over and left him vulnerable to any number of attackers.

Gods, if after all this, Nico had died on the side of a road…

Caleb was tired. But he forced his fingers to cooperate, and worked through another casting.

“Me again. I want you to know: Trent Ikithon is in prison for what he did to us. You’re welcome in my home, when ready.”

Again, no response.

“Caleb?” A form slid into view at the top of the stairs, blending into the dark, but Caleb knew Essek’s voice anywhere.

“Ja,” he said, with the remaining strength he had. “Felix is home. We have both tried to message Nico, with no response. I…” He didn’t want to speak it into existence, so he shifted the morbid statement on his tongue into something more positive. “I hope he’s alive.”

Essek floated down the stairs and sat beside him, squeezing into the remaining doorspace. “If he's anything like you, I would expect nothing less.”

“Danke.” Caleb dropped his head onto Essek’s shoulder, and let himself rest.

[dent-de-leon]

Thinking about Caleb's early campaign appearance and how Molly was still Like That ™️ about him is giving me feelings.

Yes!! Ironically, I think it was everything Caleb loathed about himself at the start that made Mollymauk start to fall for him. When Lucien suggested that no one could ever care for someone like him, that the Nein would never be able to forgive him for his betrayal, Molly reassures him--"That's not how we are, Lucien. We love broken things the most."

From the moment Mollymauk first crawled out of the grave, he'd felt lost. Empty. Broken. And it made him drawn to other desperate, lonely souls that felt just as hollow and abandoned in the world. He runs to Yasha's side and protects her from an angry mob--takes her hand and offers her a new home. With just a glance, he sees how much she's suffering, and he can't just let her face it alone. "I know what the others think, but, the truth is...How do I put this...The world is harsh and cruel, and I don't seem to be able to just walk on by. You see a wrong? You fix it."

And that fight in Alfield? When Molly keeps guarding Caleb in battle, rushes in to put out the flames and tries to snap him out of his panic attack? The way he tries so hard to break through to him because it's too dangerous--they can't do this, not here--"Time for that later." So he does what he can to get Caleb out, keep him safe, guide him to someplace better. "Come on, let's go get some sunlight."

And of course, there's the way he tries to comfort Caleb with a kiss, grounds him with a bit of affection and warmth after all the pain and fire that burned away at him. The way Molly tries to reach out to Caleb here? It's not so different from how he ran to the Platinum Dragon's temple and risked his life for someone who was suffering--someone still petrified in shock and grief.

That's who Molly is. I think about how Molly said, "We love broken things the most." And I think about when Caleb laid all his grief bare, choking up as he admitted, "I...broke, a bit." How much Caleb hates and loathes himself for it--despises his own "weakness," his "cowardice," the way his resolve just crumbles when it all falls apart--

Caleb always being terrified that he is damned beyond redemption. That his soul is twisted, shattered, corrupt. Broken. So of course Molly loves him. How could he not, when Caleb's hurting so much? When he's the exact kind of person Molly can't help getting so attached to, becoming so fiercely protective of?

It really is easy, to love Caleb later on in the campaign. He's no longer burying himself in dirt and trying so desperately to run and hide. He's charming, clever, ambitious, daring, courageous, determined, powerful--he's someone who's tired of running, who knows what he's fighting for, and will do everything he can to defend it. He's more self-assured, confident, composed.

He's also done so much healing, reached a point in his life where he is ready to open up again, seeks to do good every day, to become the man his parents always knew he could be. (And just...when Trent asks Caleb what his new goal in life is, Caleb has the strength to look him in the eye and say, "I think mostly we are just trying to leave the world better than we found it." And it's because of Molly he feels like that--)

But Molly falling for him at the very beginning? That's not easy--Caleb doesn't make it easy. He's trying so hard to push everyone away, to keep from ever getting attached. He's purposely trying to avoid attracting any sort of attention, trying to make himself appear as dismissive and undesirable as possible. Everyone else in the Nein is just a means to an end--or so Caleb desperately tries to tell himself. And Mollymauk? "I should go right now...Look at this one. He's like a walking rainbow, what is this? He's a circus performer, he's not going to help you."

The last night Molly was alive, and Caleb is trying to think of a reason to abandon him and the rest of the Nein, a reason why he and the others aren't worth staying for. And while he's agonizing with his conscience over that, while he's trying so hard to keep from ever getting attached--what does Molly think about Caleb in turn? How did he feel for Caleb, after knowing him the same exact amount of time? Well, first and foremost...it seems he still thinks of the kiss--

"Another kiss came to him like a tricky word just on the tip of the tongue, elusive yet tantalizing, though the sentiment felt real enough--a friend in crisis emerging to a kiss on the forehead. A tender banishment. Caleb. Softness and light. Clammy skin under rough lips. Molly's nose brushing Caleb's hair..."

And Molly feels so strongly for him, even while Caleb was so bitter, resentful, grief-stricken and wallowing in his own guilt--and all of these things are absolutely understandable--he doesn't owe anyone an explanation for it, for how he processes the raw pain and trauma and tries to protect himself from ever reliving it. But at the time, he was perhaps at his lowest, at his most desperate and lonely and despondent, refusing to let anyone else even get close. Regardless of how badly they wanted to help, to reach out to him.

It speaks volumes, that Molly looks at Caleb while he's still so pained and cold, so heartbroken and angry at the world and himself. But then there's Molly, and he looks at his Magician and sees, "Softness and light." This is before Caleb has gone through all that trying character development and catharsis, before he's managed to come to terms with everything and finally start to forgive himself.

This is a Caleb Widogast who still believed he would sacrifice the Nein if it meant he'd get what he wanted, if it meant a chance at more power, a means to finally bend reality to his will--the only possible way he thought he could ever set things right--

At this point, Caleb could've kept telling himself Molly and the others were just disposable. Stepping stones on his way to something better. Just the interim until he could finally "fix" the past, make it so he's no longer "broken"--

But Molly had feelings for him regardless. Even if they weren't returned--at least, not yet, not until Molly was lying lifeless and still and Caleb gently brushed the hair out of his eyes, buried him with a letter and then begged, "This could be a reunion--"

But even back then. Caleb was still "softness and light" to Mollymauk, and their brief time together meant so much to him. When Lucien insists those moments are gone--whatever Molly had with Caleb and the others, it's all gone--Molly simply says, "Kindness is never lost or forgotten." And he uses the memory of kissing Caleb to make that point. Explicitly tells Lucien that, no matter what, those little acts of tenderness and affection still mattered, still meant something to him, even after death. That's how much he loves Caleb, and it just breaks my heart--

[jonthethinker]

I’m always delighted to read meta people write about moral complexity concerning the characters presented to us in Critical Role. It’s due in no small part to how beautifully and astutely written these pieces are, and with how much care and tenderness people treat the subjects of their analysis.

But it’s also interesting in another way, because it shows me how differently I view the fundamentals of morality from the characters, the cast, and majority of the fandom itself.

And since I’m feeling very self-indulgent today, I’ve decided to write about how and why under the cut.

To begin our discussion, let’s use a rather popular subject on the topic of moral ambiguity: Essek Thelyss. He’s a fascinating character for many reasons, but our interest is in his choices and the consequences there in.

It’s discovered by the Nein that Essek is responsible for the theft of the Luxon Beacons and their acquisition by the Cerberus Assembly, which is believed to be the main crux of the war between the Dynasty and the Empire. He admits to them he did this because he felt his people were blinded by a faith that prevented them truly understanding what the Beacons were and how they worked, and so an alliance was formed with the Assembly in order to finally gain that understanding.

The only thing that really made him doubt this decision was his budding friendship with the Mighty Nein, not the war he helped start or the people harmed in the process, but that the people he had grown to care for had been caught up in his machinations to acquire knowledge; again, it’s not the moral or social implications of his actions that bother him, it’s strictly the personal ones.

And this is where the distinctions between my moral understanding and that of  others begins to display itself. Others see this as a moral development on Essek’s part, and a sign that he is growing in a more positive direction. I somewhat disagree. I see it as a sign that he can grow, but while the soil has become fertile ground, no buds have broke the surface yet.

Goodness, according to my own moral compass, comes from two basic notions; compassion and humility. Compassion to care for those you gain nothing from caring for, and humility to place yourself less and less at the center of importance in the grand scheme of things. This doesn’t mean devoting yourself so much to others that you don’t take care of yourself, but that you are okay with being intermittently uncomfortable and taking risks if it means others are taken care of. And humility doesn’t mean you think yourself unimportant, but that you are a part of something larger and grander that you are on your own.

Essek cares about the Mighty Nein. That shows that he can care about people outside of himself, but not very far outside of himself. They are his friends, and friends and family are, to our minds at least, extensions of ourselves; they rest against the bubble of self, and are often a huge part of how we even define and understand ourselves as individuals in the first place. Very selfish people can be very protective of the friends they have, because to a selfish person, there is very little difference between person and property; you are what you own, and your friends belong to you. Essek is, of his own admission, a very selfish person. So caring about his friends isn’t really some moral stride in the right direction, but more of an indication that he can care about others, but only in so far as they are of value to him directly.

But why is Essek the way he is? Many in the fandom say it’s because of his status as a prodigy, and the pressure that has placed on him over the course of his entire life. The expectations placed upon him are enormous, and he simply can not fail to meet them.

But that’s not really the full story. Because what most people seem to fail to include in their calculations is Essek’s class position; He is nobility, and unconsecuted nobility at that, and we’ll get to why that matters shortly.

Essek has been sheltered and protected from every hardship the average person of Xhorhas experiences. There has never been a single moment in Essek’s life where his material well-being has been in question. Not one time. While the pressures to succeed have been great, he’s also been given nearly every single tool he’s needed to do so. No doubt he received the sort of high quality education most folks couldn’t begin to comprehend, all while having the backing of his Den and the Dynasty at large to guarantee any actual failure has no real bite. When our goblin friend Zorth of Asarius fails at his job, a moorbounder snacks on one of his limbs. When Essek fails, maybe it causes some frustration and some momentary tension for his Den, but his relative social position and quality of life stays the same.

Seeing as he is unconsecuted, he’s never even had to start his life as someone with less than he has now. Skysibil Abrianna Mirimm started her current life as a goblin, and according to the Explorers Guide to Wildemount, has lead to many a whispered jest or cruel remark among the other members of the court, and because she’s had this experience, she’s grown a greater appreciation for the “beastfolk” as a broader sect of their society. Essek has had no such experience to open his eyes to the broader experiences of the public. He’s been insulated from the core features of many people’s daily realities in a way that virtually guarantees he feel nothing but disinterest at best and utter disgust at worst in regards to the trials of others.

This is not to take away from his agency, and to say it’s not his fault. His brother Verin by all indications experienced the same sort of life he did, but is an acclaimed leader and has very much humbled himself to a cause greater than his own ambitions, that being justice and honor for his people. So it would seem it is both his circumstances and his reaction to these circumstances that have affected who he has become, and what tools he has at his disposal to change that.

And to continue this thread for a moment, it would behoove me not to mention an incredible important aspect of Essek’s class position, and that is the power that comes with that. Anyone in Xhorhas could have had the same notions about the Luxon as he does. Anyone of them could have had the same grand sense of self-importance. For instance, Vendalla the housekeeper could secretly believe all the same things about how the Luxon religion is blinding the masses and holding back the Dynasty from realizing its true potential. The difference is she, unlike Essek, isn’t one of the handful of people that can act on that belief.

I feel this is where a rather stark divergence forms between my own sense of morality and that of others, and it’s my belief that systems and power structures are far more important in understanding the moral implications of a thing, and not individual belief, intent, or inclination.

To better explain where I’m headed, let’s use an analogy of sorts. When you think of yourself, if you’re like most people I know, “you” as an entity are independent from your body. You might think of yourself as a soul or maybe “you” are your brain or a consciousness piloting your body, but your body is ultimately seen as something “you” control.

But for me this isn’t the case at all. In fact, I don’t only believe you are also your body, I believe that yourself actually extends beyond you into the environment around you. You are not you without the many sensations and feed-backs, and sometimes lack there of, that your body produces, in response to the material reality around you. You would not be you with your brain in the body of nineteenth century Chinese peasant farmer or the body of a crusading knight in the twelfth century. You are defined by the context in which you exist.

And this extends further. I don’t believe people are independent ideological actors acting solely on their beliefs and feelings about the world. We are not independent of the context in which we exist. For the most part, your context does a lot more to shape your ideology than your ideology will ever shape your context. It’s quite the herculean task to think your way out of poverty. And it’s certainly a difficult proposition for a rich person to develop an ideology that doesn’t support them continuing to hold onto their wealth. These things can happen, for sure, but because of the broader systems and incentives at play, to expect people to just choose to swim up stream without also creating new systems and incentives to encourage that is bananas to me.

This is not to imply there is no such thing as agency, but your material conditions and social position are going to heavily influence the degree to which you can make decisions. The higher your class, the more choices you can make. The more hegemonic your ethnic group or race or gender or sexual orientation, the more options you will have, but also the weaker your incentives are to try and change that. That’s why social movements are generally comprised of the sufferers and not the sympathizers. The greatest allies don’t arise just because they believe something is right or wrong, but because they have humbled themselves before the size of the cause and have faith that their effort will support something much bigger and more important than their comfort and position.

These people are exceptionally rare for a reason; because it’s hard to do that. This isn’t a moral judgement on the people who don’t do that, quite the opposite; they are fish swimming down stream with the current instead of against it. If you want people to swim the other way, you don’t scold them into trying to swim harder; you make it easier. You change the current. And this is a task that you can’t do alone. You have to do it in a coordinated way, in disciplined unison with others. That’s why every major change the world has ever seen has largely been the result of pressure from movements not individual actors, and why the most successful movements are composed of the broadest base of sufferers, generally in the form of a broad working class struggle.

People in this fandom and many other fandoms try to be good. They try to believe the right things, and like the right things, and say the right things. But their power comes not from their individual beliefs, but through their combined action with others, joining together to change the current, and their faith that even though they may not get to personally feel the current shift, they were an integral part of that process. And it pains my heart that most of them can’t see that.

You see this in the Mighty Nein. They all struggle so much with their own sense of self-worth in comparison to their friends. They’re all worried they’re only worth as much as their latest contributions. The problem is that they define themselves as something separate from the Nein. Could someone who they see as contributing more than they have, have done so without the backbone of support they receive from all the others? No. None of them would have gotten far without the broader system of support they have developed for each other. They have shifted the current, changed the incentives. No person is exists in a vacuum. Our context shapes our possibilities. Want to change the available options? Change the context. And you can’t do it alone.

So if Essek is to truly get better, he needs more than just the Nein’s friendship. He needs the system they’ve developed. And that system is going to have to work hard against the many currents that flow through Essek’s life. They will have to change his incentives.

But the question is, do they want to? Most of the Nein weren’t mad about the war. If they were mad, it was because Essek lied to them personally. Only Beau seemed particularly interested in the consequences on the broader world, and her response was to try to scold that fish up stream. And it didn’t work. So really, it will be a question of if the Mighty Nein want to even try to push Essek onto a more positive, morally rewarding path, and what incentives they have to do so.

I really hope the small handful of people who read this can take something from all of this. I’m not alone in this outlook, as it has been something that has been contributed to by sufferers and sympathizers alike across history. If even one person walks away from reading this thinking about systems of power more than individual choices and beliefs, I’ll rest easy. Thanks for reading, regardless.

[2-player-game]

Critical role Mighty Nein relationship headcanons

Jester Lavorre 

• Very very touchy and clingy

• Like she loves you so much

• Never wants to leave your side

• She was definitely the one to ask you out, she almost cried when you said yes.

• She sometimes brags to others about having such a wonderful s/o

• She loves to play with your hair and it's even better when you mess with hers

• Buys you so many pastries

• You better be prepared to bake with her on free days

• Expect a lot of gifts from her. She loves to spoil you.

• Jester is known to be great at cheering people up in her own special way! So if you're ever feeling down, she'll pick you right up and make you feel better!

• Tickle fights are a must. Sometimes she'll just walk up to you in a tavern or inn and tickle you.

• You two often cuddle. Like a lot. When you do her tail wraps around you and she snuggles into your neck or literally just anywhere close. Beware of her horns though. They make the experience a lot less enjoyable.

• Overall: 10/10 girlfriend, would date 100%

Mollymauk Tealeaf

• Molly is a very flirty individual, so he definitely asked you out with some kind of pickup line or convinced you.

• This man absolutely loves to flirt and tease you. Just to see your reaction. He finds you adorable.

• Please hug him, he loves physical touch. And he becomes touch starved sometimes, so he'll need a hug, or even just to hold your hand.

• No matter how many times he'll flirt with a bartender go get a free drink or he'll jokingly flirt with another member of the nein. He loves you. He really does and he could never imagine losing you. Please don't leave him.

• He's like a human heater, so whenever you're cold cuddles or even just a hug is the best.

• He loves to do tarot readings for you or even just tell your fortune. It's a delight to watch you in surprise on how accurate

• Cuddles are similar to Jesters, they're absolutely wonderful, his tail wraps around you. He holds you close and it's warm and soft and lovely. But his horns and dangly earrings and jewelry get in the way.

• He loves to take you to parties or special events to see you dress up. But you look beautiful in anything!

• Loves to spoil you, you've been looking at that nice necklace in the shop? Boom, it's yours. Always wanted to try this dessert? He just bought it and you're sharing it with him now. It's amazing.

• He cares for you so much, you have to put up with his cockiness, his panic attacks over his memory, his many nightmares and just him. He's grateful for you and loves you so so much.

• Best boy needs some love, love him even with his flaws, his scars, his pain.

Nott The Brave

• Nott much to say here, an absolutely wonderful girlfriend

• She loves to steal little trinkets and gifts to give to you. Most are really shiny some are just cool things she thinks you would like.

• She loves it when you pick her up, like just putting her on your shoulder, or swinging her around. It's just amazing.

• Hugs are a little difficult if there is a height difference, but they're always appreciated.

• She loves it when you play with her hair. From braiding it to just running your hands through it is absolutely wonderful.

• Going on dates can be difficult. So most 'dates' are just seeing who can steal the best item from a shop. Most of the time Nott wins though.

• One time she made a flower crown for you. That's not too important but I just think it's cute.

• She's absolutely adorable and craves attention a lot. She's rather touch starved.

• If you're ever hurt, no matter what's going on she'll help you as quick as she possibly can. Doing whatever she can as long as you don't die she'll be fine.

• If you love to cook, then she'll BEG for your cooking whenever she has a chance too. No matter how bad she loves it either way. Especially when you cook her some meat.

• You really mean a lot to her. No one other than Caleb has been so nice to her in a long time.

Fjord

• Please wear this mans clothing. He finds it really cute. He'll never admit it.

• Fjord loves to take you on dates near the beach or water. If you're up for it even on a boat or swimming in a lake.

• If you can't swim prepare to be taught for as long as it takes. Even if it takes days to even get you in the water this boy it determined to let you see he beauty of the ocean.

• Though he believes you're much more beautiful than the ocean

• He loves it when you compliment him. And he returns compliments with whatever you prefer, gifts, affection, or more compliments. It's up to you.

• If you like to ride in boats, he likes to take you to a lake, get an open boat and just spend the night in that small boat. Sometimes you two fall asleep on the beautiful lake. Some nights you stay up and watch the sun rise.

• You better believe he plays with your hair, it calms him down so much and it's wonderful. Have a shaved head or no hair at all? He just holds your hand and traces shapes on the top of it instead! Still calming and great!

• Soft morning kisses are everything to this man. Especially when he's just woken up and he's greeted with a lovely kiss from you.

• Cuddles take time to work out, he's always a little stiff at first but soon eases into it and accepts his fate before never wanting to leave.

• Your first kiss with him was a little weird at first with his teeth and all and he's always a little awkward with that stuff. But it ended up being amazing. It was probably an accident or you initiated it.

• This green boi will love you forever and never wants to lose you. He doesn't trust anyone more than you.

Yasha

• As you may know, Yasha is very tall and strong, which is absolutely wonderful.

• She loves to pick you up, or just embrace you in any way she can.

• Before you two actually started dating she was really awkward and sometimes even blushed around you. It was honestly adorable to watch her fumble her words and try to speak to you.

• If you're on the weaker side she's really gentle with you and does everything in her power to not hurt you.

• If anyone is every mean to you like in a serious way and it's hurting you she will go into rage mode and stop whatever is going on.

• Really soft and kind to you. Very very soft. And probably does your makeup if you wear it.

• Most likely wants to adopt a cat with you because they're lovely and can also be great hunters. But if not Frumpkin will have to do.

• Compliment this woman, please. She really needs to feel special. She'd really appreciate it!

• Cuddles are amazing, she just holds you tightly and makes you feel safe. It's always very calmly to be in her arms.

• She's actually a pretty good kisser, but it takes some time for her to actually initiate the kiss and let her become a little more dominant.

• Once bought matching necklaces and you refuse to take it off.

• If you're up to it she would absolutely love to train with you, if not you could at least stay for moral support!!

Beauregard Lionette

• Beauregard is definitely a wonderful girlfriend when you look at it.

• She has lean muscles, so they're not tough or firm, great for cuddles!

• She's strong like Yasha so she can pick you up and just hold you or hug you and spin you around. Strong girls are the best.

• Train with this woman. Please. She loves it. The second you get too hurt though she's ready to heal you or do whatever she can to make you feel better.

• This girl protects you as much as she can. She never wants you to leave her side, she needs you to be safe. It scares her sometimes what could happen to you.

• Sometimes you trim up her undercut and make it look more professional and just give her a haircut in general.

• If you're ever severely injured in battle, she'll blame herself for not being there to protect you.

• You have to reassure her and kiss her and hug her a lot just to make her feel better.

• Spoil Beau and you'll have her for the rest of her life, she's never been spoiled before and it makes her feel special. She'll return the favor with love.

• She could truly never imagine losing you, and if that did happen she would never feel whole again. She loves you more than she loves herself.

Caleb Widogast

• This relationship took some time to form, like a long time. Caleb's shy nature and fear of caring for people doesnt work well when he gained a little crush on you.

• Once it did happen, you were very patient and did everything in your power to make Caleb more comfortable.

• Frumpkin absolutely adores you. Whenever Caleb saw that you were sad or if you were injured he would send Frumpkin over to cuddle with you.

• When you two start to get very close, he loves to read with you, or do book trades. He'll give you an interesting book while you struggle to find a book he hasn't read yet. It's a struggle sometimes but it's the best

• This man gets very flustered when you surprised him with affection. A quick peck on the lips when he's not expecting it? He goes completely red in the face and stutters a lot.

• He tries to clean himself up a little if you don't like the way he smells. But that won't stop him from being dirty.

• Some days he doesn't think he deserves you and you need to reassure him that you love him no matter his background, no matter the way he looks or his personality because he's truly the perfect person for you.

• If you don't know magic, but want to learn it, Caleb would absolutely love to teach you! And if you do know magic, you two could nerd out about it together!

• Caleb has some trouble when it comes to physical touch since he's not sued to it.

• Whenever you hug him, he'll become super stiff before you tell him that it's okay and he calms down a little. He tries to do better but he's just not used to it, so be patient with him!

• Holding his hand is the best way to calm him down or put him to sleep on those sleepless nights where all he wants to do it read or study. Holding you close late at night is one of his favorite things to do.

• If you wear his clothes expect him to get really flustered, he finds it absolutely adorable because most of his clothes are really big on him or they're ripped or destroyed.

• Sometimes when he's next to you while reading he'll fall asleep on your shoulder and you are now stuck in that spot until he wakes up.

Caduceus Clay

• Very soft, what can I say? He's absolutely wonderful.

• Makes you tea, like almost always.

• If you like gardening? Perfect, this boy will make a portable garden for traveling, or when you settle into a home you two basically have a farm.

• No scratch that you guys definitely have a farm, including animals, and a mushroom/moss garden.

• He loves it when you pet his head or play with his hair, he leans into your touch and smiles softly.

• He often hums little song when you two are cuddling. It's very soothing.

• He likes to set up little picnic dates with the food you two grow. He's so pure and it's honestly the cutest thing ever.

• If you're ever sick, he knows exactly how to make the medication to make you feel better! He will do anything in his power to make you healthier and keep you going!

• He gives really nice hugs, it's like he puts energy into these hugs and they can immediately cheer someone up.

• If you want to he really wants a family, but if not he respects your opinion and is fine with getting some more animals as family because they're still wonderful.

• Whenever he makes a new kind of tea you're always the first one to try it with him.

• He's truly a wonderful boyfriend, 10/10. Please love him he could never lose you.

[angelsndragons]

Okay, since I see a lot of people either straight up panicking or saying that Caduceus’ playlist is straight up depressing (neither reaction I get)....I’m gonna offer a different reading of the songs here, how does that sound?

Death Bed Salesman - This is straight up about Caduceus’ family and his upbringing. His father even says some of the lyrics almost word for word in ep 96. Growing up surrounded by death and all the rituals created for the living left behind made Caduceus into the person he is. ‘This is how it has to end/So love somebody while you can’ like talk about a thesis statement for Caduceus’ outlook.

How are You Doing - Wow this song is pulling double duty. Caduceus is not a character who likes burdening other people with his own problems, preferring to keep a calm, polite distance between others and his feelings. The style of this song harkens over to Jester, it’s very bubbly and sweet sounding. Of course, this is also one of Jester’s primary issues (someone please tell the clerics they can be people with problems too). Now, if you do what I did and go watch the music video for this song, two things will stick out. One is the increasing ridiculous scenarios the singers find themselves in while going about their day to day lives juxtaposed against their ‘nothing’s wrong, everything’s fine’ lyrics. Two is the fact that these singers come out at the end of the song together, they have triumphed over the madness and nothing stopped them from doing what they wanted and needed to do. This song encapsulates early Caduceus, while he was getting a feel for the Nein and being drowned every other second, ultimately his contributions to the Pirate Arc were fundamental to the group’s success. 

Vegetables - Honestly, this song just reminds me of that early conversation with Fjord in the Sour Nest. Caduceus is cooking omelets and just casually asks Fjord if he could look for veggies down in the torture chamber since it would ‘make a good root cellar.’ Fjord is so caught off guard by this request, and understandably so, he just repeats ‘Roots?’ Caduceus then just lists off root vegetables like Fjord’s an idiot. Oh, Cad. XD Honestly I like that the beat line is being made by vegetable chomping, it just feeds into the ‘Caduceus is a giant magical cow man’ vibes and I love it.

When the World is at Rest - Xhorhaus! In the middle of that street! Xhorhaus! In all seriousness, this song pulls double duty as well. ‘I miss the sun but the moons will do in a pinch’ anyone? The first and most obvious thing this song reminds me of is when the group is given the house and Caduceus asks, ‘are we putting down roots here?’ With the single act of planting that tree on the tower, Caduceus turned the house into the Mighty Nein’s home. Can’t get your deposit back after that, after all XD. I think of how this home in the dark has sheltered and protected the Nein so many times. I think of them befriending Essek and how that wasn’t part of the plan (you know, like Caduceus himself). I think of how their plans to end the war were hatched in darkness, how violated they all felt when one of their own was taken and when another was assassinated under cover of night, because the darkness had come to feel safe to them. I think of how much the Nein has blossomed since this house became their home, since they all had a place to go back to that was theirs. I think of how the Nein has given the world a breather, a chance to rest, all because they returned a beacon and befriended a traitor. 

Wildflowers - So, there are a couple of interpretations of this song. One is setting a lover or loved one free from your own feelings and letting them go. Another is that the singer is trying to find a place to bury a loved one (’that home by and by’ around where I live and grew up is a roundabout reference to heaven). Honestly, both interpretations are apt for Caduceus. He does his best to not burden others with his worries and feelings, he was the one who stayed home, which granted his siblings the freedom they needed to leave, etc. The second interpretation fits Caduceus as well because we know one of his secret hopes is that the Nein will let him tend their bodies and graves when the time comes. And now I’m gonna put on my TeaHaw hat for a goddamn minute bc holy heck, this is such a good song for both of them, Caduceus reminding Fjord that he deserves freedom and his beloved sea again, Fjord teaching Caduceus to follow his heart and embrace new experiences. ‘I have seen no other/Who compares with you’ really fits their complimentary and praise styles with each other. Thank you, Tal.

Never did No Wandering - Don’t have much to add to what Taliesin said about the song. For once. I think of Caduceus’ loneliness in the Grove and his regret that he didn’t leave sooner. I think of how he could only leave in the context of duty, of just how much his duty as a grave cleric to Melora has defined and shaped his understanding of himself. I think of how long it took for him to voice his own desires and wants. I think of how he insists he isn’t wandering, that he is following a pre-ordained path. I think of how much work he still has to do when it comes to knowing what he wants and making peace with getting it just for his own sake. Also, hello more sailors.

When You Get to Ashville - Oof, so this song works both ways for Caduceus, both as the singer and the subject of the song. I think of him, home alone for ten years, wondering what was going on with his family, if they were safe (he knew they weren’t, he knew what it took to keep them from him), how he didn’t actually want to know unless he could help. As the subject, I see his family, having only been away for what was maybe two years for them, looking at the changes in him in awe and confusion. Nothing’s changed for them but boy howdy has Caduceus changed. The homebody has left the nest and saved them all and he very obviously doesn’t want to go home yet if at all. Caduceus has waited so long to get them back and to be a family again yet when the time comes, he can’t bring himself to return, as the singer implies about the subject. He knows his family will be there to catch him if he needs it but I think this episode is where it really hit him that he’d been trying to recreate a past that never could be again because he could never go back to being who he was. 

Fuck it I’m a Flower - Another Caduceus anthem. Upbeat with a few melancholy lyrics. You can take it as the singer divorcing themself from humanity or you can take it as the singer using flowers as a metaphor for their growth into someone who becomes more involved (the singer goes from not marching to taking on other people’s pain from their place of safety to fully embracing the movement to change things while they can). I don’t have any context for this song but it really freaking reminds me of those protest photos where a protester offers a flower to the riot police (fuck the police). Caduceus is blossoming into a man who genuinely cares about the wider world and the people within it. Not just abstractly, which I would argue he did back in the Grove. But being up close to the ordinary folks in the Dynasty, in the Empire, the Coast, has given him a new perspective on not just his place but where he wants to stand. I think of Jester’s conversation with him back in Oh Captain Who’s Captain, the world is much bigger and messier than Caduceus could have ever dreamed. I think of Caduceus befriending and being kind to their crew and Avantika’s. I think of ‘Nott, you went to find help, we’re here to help.’ I think of ‘one day someone will pray for a miracle and that prayer will be answered because you showed up, that’s what this is all about.’ From rescuing Yeza to saving Giants to shattering the chains binding two of his friends to bringing peace to two warring nations to separating justice from vengeance, just look at where he is now: no longer passive or uncertain of how they can contribute to the world, Caduceus and the Nein have brought so much good into it. Caduceus knows where he stands now. Some people say that he’s the Nein’s moral compass and I disagree with that entirely, he’s become the courage to act on their moral compasses. 

Oh Bury Me Not - Okay, so I know this is where some listeners start to get antsy with all the death talk in this song and the ones after it so breathe, it’s fine. Caduceus is a Grave Cleric, y’all. Tal says that this song is an expression of Caduceus’s religious beliefs, which, uh, yeah. There is no stained glass in the Blooming Grove temple, they do all their work outside the traditional structures of religion and civilization and do it gladly, etc. The ending Bury Me Not, okay, guys, Caduceus is the singer here, not the kid being sung about. It really drives home the Wildmother’s philosophy on death: when you’re dead, you’re dead and you have no say over what happens to the corpse left behind. I think of the corpse of the Great Hero and the founding of the Blooming Grove, the Menagerie, and the Kiln. I think of Caduceus’ onscreen death and how through it, he finds his path to the Kiln. I think of him reviving Fjord. I think of him and this island and how much of a perversion it is of the ‘natural order’. Also, just given how much Fjord has impacted has impacted Caduceus’ ideas of faith and signs and stuff, it’s so fitting that this piece is here. I also think cowboys and how Tal said he’d planned on using the Ocean Burial before he came across this, I see you, Tal. 

September Song - So that build up, huh? I think of Caduceus and the Nein readying themselves for a battle to the death to save Yasha and stop Obann. I think of all the close-calls and near misses. I think of how every day, these people choose over and over and over to stay together, in spite of the coming winter, in spite of the obvious danger, in spite how much safer they would all be if they went their separate ways and planted their heads in the sand. I think of how that, their time, is the most precious gift any of them could give the others. This is not a sad thing, by the way. All these people, who have been so badly wounded by others, who are so skittish and so distrustful and so guarded, choose to stay together over and over again. No matter the hardship. They choose to spend their lives together, they choose to be better together and for each other.

22 (Over Soon) - Guys, this is 100% an Episode 95-96 song. 100%, no question in my book. I think of what Caduceus doesn’t say to his family. I think of what he does say. I think of how overwhelmed he is when the Nein saves them, I think of how he can only muster ‘It’s been a long time.’ (All these years) I think of him trying so hard to be given permission to stay with the Nein without explicitly asking for it, the subtext of ‘would you forgive me if I don’t come home yet’ threaded through his every interaction with his family. I think of how Caduceus hands the seeds over to his sister and tells her to be the hero the Grove and their family needs. I think of how easily and willingly he gave up what he’s called his destiny and charge since the beginning in order to stay with the Nein. This is Caduceus saying good-bye once and for all to the dreams of things going back to the way they were. I think Caduceus had been hoping that his family had changed just as much as he had. I think if they had, he might have gone back with them. But they haven’t changed and he has. So he can’t go home. Not yet. He cloaks his desire to stay with the Nein once more in duty but make no mistake, it’s desire that’s keeping him with them, people who may not understand him but who try and who are there and who accept the new person he has become. The build-up Tal was talking about? This is it. The moment where Caduceus first puts himself and his desires above what he thinks is his duty. The moment that Caduceus fully realizes how much he has changed and what an earth-shattering revelation it is.

We’ll Meet Again - Meetings and Partings have always had a special place in Caduceus’ arc, especially metatextually. He was the character who replaced another, who was rescued from his static seclusion by three of the Nein and who in turn rescued the three captive members. I think of how this song is a promise that, come what may, the singer will do their damnedest to return and make that promise a reality. I think of all the weird and wonderful people Caduceus has met in his short time outside the Grove. I think of all the shop keeps who just love this pink fuzzball and how many times they tell him to come back. I think about the Dusts, the meeting and parting and sanctuary they gave him. I think about Reani and Nila and how his kindness to them has come back threefold (Reani escorting his family home, Nila protecting the Grove). I think about Essek. I think about how driven Caduceus became to reforge the sword after Yasha was taken, to bring her home. I think of Caduceus prodding the Gentleman into reconciling with Jester. I think of his delight in the coincidences that keep lining up between him and Fjord. I think about Caduceus and Beau and how proud he is of her growth. I think of his declaration in the dome that ‘We aren’t done until we’ve saved each other.’ 

Enjoy It - And we wrap up our playlist with another Caduceus thesis statement: don’t worry about the things you can’t change, find the goodness and light in all of your experiences. If it’s meant to be easy, it will be and if it’s meant to be hard, it will be hard. You’re the green bean and you can choose to become jaded at the storms or enjoy the water flooding your roots. This song also fits the lightness we’ve seen from Caduceus since sending his family home. His big quest, his reason for leaving home, has been fulfilled (so he thinks, pretty sure Molaesmyr will be calling in the Nein’s near future) so now he can just sit back, relax, and fully enjoy the ride.

TL;DR - Growing up and moving on is hard and painful but it is also triumphant and necessary. Learning to be who you are and to place yourself on your list of priorities is a journey full of quiet work that few rarely glimpse. Caduceus’ whole arc has been about who he is and what he’s going to do with the strong moral compass he’s got - Is he going to continue to live in the world, even with all the pain, struggle, joy, and goodness that comes with it, or is he going to retreat from it, go back to his little patch of green and forget about it? All signs point to the former, not the latter. In tarot, Death means transformation and sweeping change even more than it does literal death. Caduceus’ playlist is all about the transformation of his self even as he remains true to his core beliefs.

[fivegoldpieces]

Jester and The Mighty Nein Talk - Episode 105

[starts at 01:31:41 on Twitch VOD]

B: Jester.

J: Hmm?

B: How are you feeling about Travelercon? You know, if we defeat the looming volcano god that has this entire island held hostage.

J: Um.

B: You alright? I honestly thought that that was gonna be like, something that you would start like, rattling off a thousand ideas about, but you didn’t say anything so now I’m like super concerned.

J: I just don’t. Um. I don’t. Know. I don’t know. What to do about it, um.

V/N: Like whether or not to have it, or what to do when you do have it?

J: Well. Obviously we’re going to have it. But the Traveler; he doesn’t want to be a god. He doesn't - he doesn't like it. 

So I don't, um. I don't know how to make everybody come here and pretend like they're going to worship him, and also make him happy, and also make sure that they're not taken advantage of too much, and also free everybody here, and also, at the end of it, if he doesn't want to be a god - what does that mean for me and him? Or - 

I don’t know. I don’t know! I was hoping maybe we’ll fight Vokodo and then everything will just become clear.

B: You seemed sad last night, after you went off and talked with him for a bit.

CW: She seems sad now.

J: I’m. Not sad, no. I’m just, y’know - 

B: Oh. Those are tears there.

J: No, I’m just like, you know - it’s stressful.

CW: What if it were just you and him? Like your old days?

J: I don’t think that’s a bad thing. You know? He was really wonderful, then. He was my best friend. 

I know all of you are concerned that maybe he’s taking advantage, or he doesn’t have our best interest - which, who knows maybe he doesn't - but. He really got me through a lot when I was younger, you know? And he was all I had, really, and he was wonderful. He taught me so much! 

If it just was him being my friend again, I’d be okay with that. I just don’t know what that means for everyone else, y’know, all the people that are coming here.

F: If he said he doesn’t want to be a god, did he say why he’s still having everyone come here?

B: Did he know about this place?

J: He did. That was kind of sad to find out about. He knew that people lost their memory here, apparently. Um. I think, y’know, I think he’s hoping to sort of offload a lot of the people when they come. Maybe, not necessarily leave them here, but make them think that, you know, he’s not so available anymore? It would be really stressful, you know, to have all these people constantly praying to you.

F: But he sent you here.

J: Yeah.

F: What if you forgot him?

J: He promised me that he would save me. And us. He said all of us. I believe him.

Y: How do you feel about him right now? Knowing this, that he - I’m very not trying to overstep at all, but him knowing that he would bring people here, that it’s possible that they would forget.

J: He’s not like the best guy. Y’know, he’s really cool. But I don’t think he always, you know, thinks about other people, about how they’ll actually be affected, sometimes. And that’s just, you know, just because he’s, y’know, super super powerful and um. To him we’re like ants, sometimes, y’know - we don’t think about the fact when we squish an ant, y’know? It doesn’t mean anything to us. But the ant is real sad.

F: Or it’s dead.

J: Or dead.

F: Jester, we all want what’s best for you, of course. Have you talked to him at all about going back to just the way things were when you were little? Just he and you? Best friends?

J: I want to. I want to. I want to! It’s just. Every time we talk, he has to disappear so fast. Before, he used to be here all the time, you know? Ugh, it’s so hard to share.

V/N: But you know where he’ll be? He’ll be at Travelercon. 

J: I know, he’s going to be here.

V/N: And the thing that you guys have all taught me is that friends call each other on their shit, and if they’re really friends, then they’ll be friends afterwards. And if you know where he’ll be, and you know he’s not going to disappear - you should call him on his shit. 

Travelercon shouldn’t be about bamboozling people, or you trying to put on a show. Travelercon should be about you and the Traveler. That’s how it all started.

J: But all those people are already on their way here.

V/N: We’ll deal with them after.

F: You’ve done so much for him, and I know he’s done so much for you, but trying to make him happy in this - it puts you at risk. It has put you at risk. And us. That doesn’t seem, like you said, the most considerate thing.

CW: Yeah. But also it is complicated sometimes, extracting yourself from the very things that made you who you are. So this might be difficult.

B: We’re protective of you. And defensive of you. We’re here because of Jester and not because of the Travelercon. Honestly, all you have to do is say the word, and we’ll do whatever you want. It’s always been the case. 

But. Also, if he hurts you, I’ll kill him, y’know? Like, we’ve killed demigods before. We’re about to kill one, we could kill him too.

J: We don’t - I don’t want to kill him. 

B: Yeah, but we could! And we would! If you said the word.

J: Thank you, Beau.

J: I don’t want to kill him. 

B: Just don’t want to see you being used either.

J: Yeah. I don’t want to be used.

B: You know, you’re kind of - to echo Nott’s point - you are like, his peer now. 

J: No, I’m not! He can do so many things. He can bamf in and out whenever he wants to.

V/N: So can you.

J: I can’t! I’m stuck here on this island.

V/N: You can turn into things that fly. You’ve got a lot of powers - look you made us this amazing dinner out of nothing.

[brief talk about dinner]

B: I guess we’re a little bit biased because we’ve seen you do a lot more amazing things than we’ve seen the Traveler do.

J: Everything I do. All of it. It’s because of him.

B: Eh, give yourself some credit too, though. 

F: And you care. About people you know, about people you don’t know. You cause chaos, but in the end you don’t want to hurt people. You care. In many ways, you’re much more than he will probably ever be. 

B: It’s super natural for students to outgrow their teachers. I mean, look with me and Dairon, you know? Who’s the teacher now?

J: Yeah. You’re way cooler.

B: I know. And you’re way cooler than the Traveler, in my opinion.

[brief talk about Dairon]

Y: Jester, I hope you know how special you are. Just you, even without the Traveler. We all think you’re pretty amazing.

CW: And so does he, to a certain extent. So perhaps, a little more time with you - you will color his perspective, instead of he coloring yours.

J: Thank you guys.

F: Yeah. If you ever want it, there is life beyond the Traveler. We’re here.

J: Wow. That’s pretty great. Thanks! Not gonna lie, I feel pretty good right now.

CC: I just wanna say, you all just did so well. I’m so proud.

V/N: We pulled a Caduceus!

CC: You did. I just got to sit here and nod, it was amazing. Wisdom. Wisdom. Self-realization. A little more wisdom. Some more self-realization. It was great.

[END]

[spoiler1001]

"Are you and Lucien going to be a thing, now?" Fjord asked Caleb. Caleb looked at him.

"No. It was just- an agreement has passed and I learned who we are dealing with." Caleb straightened out his coat. "This is the same person that showed up in a tapestry and said, 'I am your god; long may I reign.'" Caleb smiled.

"I can see it." Fjord nodded. "Still, be careful. He could be dangerous."

"He is." Caleb sat in the library. "He's just like me when I killed my mother and father."

"That's not comforting." Fjord shook his head.

"He's being played with and when he's done being useful, he'll be thrown away." Caleb looked away. "We're at the moment at the end of his usefulness. He'll need us."

"You said he's being manipulated?"

"Cree is hiding something from him. Probably the essence of Molly." Caleb looked at the stained glass. "Maybe when he woke up, Molly's influence probably lead him away from her goal. There is something I noticed. When we met Cree, she apologized for not calling him the nonagon, but we were offered one of his given names."

"What are you suggesting?" Fjord asked quietly.

"Maybe he knows that we're not strangers." Caleb shrugged.

"You two are certainly rather close," Fjord mumbled.

"You've said your piece." Caleb sighed. "I know what I'm doing."

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Caleb was thankful for Lucien's parting gift. The wind was still cold, but it wasn't icy and burning. He swallowed his smile and thanked Lucien in his heart. The tiefling had scouted ahead before coming back to move as a group. They traveled with them into the ruins. Lucien kept his eyes on the Nein. Caleb's frowned. Something was off.

He could feel Lucien by him, his heartbeat, his injuries, his emotions. Maybe it was because he was so close, maybe it was because Lucien's magic was more than he could handle. Caleb felt his panic rise. Was he going to lose himself, Was all of the positive change that he made with the Nein going to be gone?

"Maybe we should have set up camp for the night?" Lucien asked. Caleb almost flinched. Was Lucien telling him what to do?

"Caleb, can we set up the tower?" Beau asked. Ok. He could. Focusing on the tower grounded himself, calming him. He immediately shot himself up to the room above the eighth floor. Frumpkin appeared, nuzzling his face. He could feel Lucien's concern growing, but the heartbeat and other things were getting numb. It was overwhelming. The entrance to the room opened and Lucien climbed back up.

"What's the matter?" He kept his distance.

"I felt your magic running through me out there. How do I know it won't overtake me?" Caleb almost yelled. Lucien was quiet for a heartbeat.

"Oh. I'm sorry I- my magic was protecting you. My blood was protecting you, so you felt a connection the more the protection was tested. I'm sorry. It won't overtake you. I should have warned you. I'm sorry." Lucien took a step towards him. "I promise, you are still you, firefly. I would never do something that would overstep like that."

Caleb looked at him, feeling the sincerity behind the words. "I have had control taken from me and the people I cared about suffered," Caleb said plainly.

"I gathered when you started to panic. I will take the blessing off if you want. I literally cannot just let my magic affect my allies and friends without explicit consent. The spell doesn't work. It fails. I enhance and strengthen with my blessings. Will you be alright?" Lucien hugged Caleb. Caleb leaned into the touch and nodded.

"I was not prepared for how that would feel." Caleb burrowed his head under Lucien's jaw.

"Do you want me to drop it?" Lucien asked. Caleb shook his head.

"It was effective. I will be prepared for the feeling now." Caleb went to stand up. "Thank you." Caleb finally smiled. "I just needed to straighten out my head."

"I will drop it as soon as soon as you give the word," Lucien said with a serious expression on his face.

"I believe you."

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Dinner was a bit awkward but the group seemed to be at ease when Caleb appeared to be fine. He was smiling and joking with the rest of the Nein. They continued to blur the line between lunch and dinner and breakfast by having every kind of dessert and pancakes with the meal as the main course. Lucien was having fun but he was becoming more and more aware of the whole inside of him. The group should have been familiar to him and he felt like they were but the connection couldn't be made.

Going to bed was hard. He was exhausted, and Caleb made enough rooms to house the Tombtakers. Lucien got the room on the eighth floor, the room now completely decorated and fancy. The bed was comfortable. It was warm. This is what home felt like. He never wanted to leave. It was comfortable, safe. 

He felt tears build in his eyes. He was missing something, but he couldn't place it. There was a broken piece of him. He wasn't a true nonagon. He needed to see Cree.

------------------------------------------- 

"You aren't missing anything," Cree said, getting ready for bed. " you're perfect. This group is messing with your mind. We can just leave them." 

"No. We can finish what we're doing and move on." Lucien nodded. "Good night." 

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Lucien woke up to pure panic in his throat. There was a commotion in the next room over. He was on his feet in a second. In the room stood Caleb, eyes rolled back into his head, hand around Cree's necklace there was a smell of melting glass. 

"What the hell are you doing?!" Lucien demanded. 

"We were having a conversation." Cree hissed. 

"Bullshit. CONFESS." Lucien hissed loudly enough that there were sounds outside of the rest of the Nein. The Infernal came easily to him as his connection with Cree shattered. 

"I didn't like his influence on you so I was going to have him destroy the last bit of connection to the group so we can leave," Cree started. 

Oh. The Mighty Nein walked in to see Lucien began to lift Cree off of the ground. "Get Caleb. None of you need to see this." Fjord grabbed a numb and unresponsive but breathing Caleb. The Nein, not counting Caduceus left the room. 

"Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked Lucien, who had his eyes locked on the tabaxi cleric. 

"I'm not really sure of anything anymore." Lucien shook his head. "I don't know anything anymore." 

"Take a deep breath and focus," Caduceus whispered, grabbing the heated glass from its place on Cree's necklace. She had a look of terror on her face. Caduceus looked at the orb and considered it for a second, before preparing a greater restoration spell. The spell made the glass shatter against his chest and a light flashed in the room. Cree was dropped on the ground dazed and confused. Lucien dropped to his knees as everything started to make sense. 

Frumpkin took the opportunity to attack, slashing Cree across the eye, causing it to bleed. She ran out of the room and away from Lucien, clutching her eye. 

"That's a good kitty, Frumpkin," Lucien spoke in a distant voice. "I remember everything." 

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Caleb woke up to see Jester starting down at him. His eyes blinked into focus rather quickly and he sat up. Caduceus was supporting Lucien who was talking to Yasha, clutching her hand. Fjord was keeping his distance. Caleb groaned as he tried to stand up. "Cree?" 

"The cold will get her. She left after you were taken out." Fjord answered. "Caduceus brought Molly back." 

Caleb looked at the purple tiefling. He looked like Lucien, but the emotions running through the magic showed relief, familiarity, and safety. Caleb felt tears build in his eyes. 

"What do you remember about the Iron Shepards?" Caleb whispered. 

"Enough. I'm just happy everyone is back. You're all so different. I look forward to reacquainting myself with all of you." L-Molly grinned at all of them, ending on Caleb. 

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"Do you still want the blessing on?" Molly asked Caleb through the wall as they went to keep on resting.

"Yes. It's very cold up north and I feel better about it now that everything is squared." Caleb answered. 

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. After spending so much time with the tomb takers I forgot others would know about that." Molly gently headbutted the wall. I know it's stupid, but still, I'm sorry." 

"You are forgiven. I'm sorry about Cree." Caleb whispered. 

"You warned me about her." 

"You lost-"

"Everyone important to me followed me here, everyone else dragged me here." Molly interrupted. "I wish we could have this conversation face to face." 

"Nothing is stopping you from coming over here. You're welcome to it." Caleb smiled. 

Molly couldn't get there fast enough.