#and I can deliver a sassier response

[sachermorte]

Have you ever thought about looking into BPD?

ye gods it's my ex on anon in my inbox. telling me I have Beautiful Prince Disorder. don't you have a mountain to climb uphill both ways to work

[trashforgubler]

Hey, Ma

Word Count: .8k

Summary: You come home from work and walk in on Spencer and your daugher (Bella) renacting Shakespeare's “Much Ado About Nothing” in your living room

Extra Info: Shoutout to the English test I had today on this play for inspiring this fic. The song doesn’t have to do with the fic other than I just really like it and the title fits well, but it’s “Hey, Ma” by Bon Iver

Requests: Open

masterpost

After a long day at work, you wanted nothing more than to come home to a quiet household.

Unfortunately, you married Dr. Reid.

From first glance, you would think that he would be a mature, responsible man. His many doctorates and the fact that he wears a bow tie to Red Robin led you to such conclusions, but it didn’t take long for you too see who he really was. He was the kind of friend that held passionate arguments about whether Die Hard counted as a Christmas movie (he won, it does). He was the kind of husband who told you to close your eyes because he had a “sexy surprise” for you, only to greet you wearing a Winnie the Pooh onesie that was definitely not sexy. And the kind of father who puts on a princess crown and has tea with his daughter every Saturday morning. The shenanigans he pulled were endless, especially when you left him and Bella alone, and tonight was no exception.

You walked into your house and were immediately hit with the smell of chocolate chip pancakes. A peculiar dinner choice, but definitely not the strangest you’d ever walked in on them eating. The time Spencer went out and bought food dye just so he could make green eggs and ham would have to be the strangest thing that has been made in you kitchen. But what was more peculiar than the smell of breakfast at almost ten o’ clock at night, was what you heard. Very strong, very obnoxious, British accents coming from your living room.

“I wonder that you still be talking Benedict, nobody marks you!” your daughter said loudly, in a very sassy voice she could have only learned from her father.

And yet an even louder, sassier voice replied:

“What, My dear Lady Disdain! Are you yet living?”

What was your living room this morning, had now been turned into a stage. The sofa was lined with Bella’s stuffed animals, and Spencer had turned off all the lights in the house except two lamps, which he had pointed on himself and his daughter so that they were the only thing that stood out against the shadows.

You watched them silently from the darkness. They were so wrapped up in their performance, they hadn’t even heard you open the door. You held back a laugh as Bella so wonderfully delivered the iconic, “I would rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me,” line. The exhaustion that filled your every bone minutes before was completely gone. Looking back on it, it was probably a mistake to tell Spencer that Bella needed to do a certain amount of reading per night, because you guess this is where his mind went to.  It wasn’t until the end of the act that he finally looked up and saw you. “Bella, look who it is!”

“Momma!” Small arms wrapped around your waist as she crashed into you with so much force you had to take a step back to keep your balance.

“Hey cupcake!” No matter how hard your day was, a hug from her was always the cure. Of course, a little attention from Spencer defiantly didn’t hurt, which you were remined of as you felt a soft kiss on your cheek. Bella was more than excited to tell you all about what her and Spencer had done tonight. After picking her up from school, they went to the park and played soccer (she won), and then they came home, they made pancakes together, before Spencer decided that a school night was the perfect time to reenact one of theatre’s best comedies. After the initial excitement, you and Spencer simultaneously realized that it was an hour and a half past Bella’s bedtime, to which she was promptly sent upstairs to begin getting ready; only after Spencer promised to tuck her in.

Now that you were alone, you had a couple questions.

“Shakespeare? Spence she’s six.” You began helping him collect all the animals as you raised your eyebrows at him. “You know most dads reenact something like Goldilocks or Beauty and the Beast, right?”

“Well clearly I’m not most dads,” he said, gesturing to his kimono and mismatched fuzzy socks.

You had to crack a smile at that one. “Does she even understand what’s going on?”

“She’s my daughter of course she understands what’s going on,” he joked.

“Oh, don’t tell me she’s gonna turn out like you.”

“Y/N I will do absolutely everything in my power to assure that is exactly what happens.”

“Spence don’t you dare!” You laughed, launching a stuffed animal at him and hitting him square in the face.

“I will make it my personal mission to make sure she memorizes the periodic table and can tell you the stages of photosynthesis before she reaches the second grade!” He threw the stuffed animal back at you, his entire face glowing with happiness.

“At this rate, she’ll probably right her crush a sonnet for Valentine’s day!”

“After all the Shakespeare we’ve been doing together I should hope so!” The stuffed animal dodge ball continued for another ten minutes until you heard a shout. “Daddy! I’m ready!”

“Your princess is calling, Signor.” Spencer gave one final throw, nailing you in the stomach before heading upstairs with smile.

[mrskylerreviews-blog]

POPPY - AM I A GIRL? (Album Review)

           Only a year after the release of her debut album Poppy.Computer, the singer and ever-growing internet personality Poppy has returned with her second musical effort, titled Am I A Girl? This sophomore record sees our favorite android widening her range in lyrical content and production quality, offering a more polished and extensive view at the world through her sweet, robotic eyes. While her director Titanic Sinclair still had a hand in some of the songs on this album, there are also major collaborations with producers Diplo (owner of the label Poppy is signed to, Mad Decent) and Fernando Garibay (responsible for Lady Gaga’s ‘‘Alejandro’’ back in 2009).

           Am I A Girl? further progresses the narrative of the Poppy character, after the first album basically introduced who she was to the world, and commentated on the presence of technology and the internet in our modern society. This time, Poppy takes us on a more personal ride, as she begins questioning everything about her surroundings, from the reason of her existence on this world, to the fate that might await humanity due to pollution that we have caused ourselves. The first half of the record, though, is focused more on Poppy’s love for fashion, and a sassier and much firmer confidence that reassures the growth of the character. She isn’t a follower of what ‘‘They’’ want anymore. Poppy knows what she’s capable of and even though this album is based on a question that could define her entire life, it also presents her with answers that she may have been asking herself since she first started appearing on Youtube back in 2014.

1.      In A Minute: a solid opener for the album, this track shows a great combination of the material Poppy is known for, and a big step towards this new polished path she will be taking us on. With lyrics such as ‘‘I used to be free willing / Now I got work to do’’, we are presented head-on with the aforementioned confidence and sense of individuality that is to become the running theme throughout the record. Overall, In A Minute works perfect as an introduction to Am I A Girl?

2.      Fashion After All: although the theme of sass and confidence tried real hard to stretch enough for several songs on the album, Fashion After All feels a bit overdone and very easy to skip. While sing-talking about how she’s mother to many and the fact that she is relatable yet scary, the electropop production doesn’t really do its job of grasping the listener, as it sounds not too exciting or like something we haven’t heard before, and the lyrics can get tiring quick.

3.      Iconic: this track attempts a go with the inspiring and ‘‘even if you’re weird, you’re still so cool’’ concept that isn’t at all new for female pop singers. While the lyrics aren’t necessarily the most original and groundbreaking piece of handcrafted artistry, they succeed in delivering an uplifting and feel-good vibe to the listener, with the production matching the joyous energy that is supposed to carry the message. Poppy’s vocals also shift from low tones in the pre-chorus that we haven’t really heard from her before, to sweet and colorful falsettos that we all know and love.

4.      Chic Chick: this track feels like what Fashion After All should have been, and it is honestly a bit surprising that both of them made it on the album. Chic Chick is a punch to the face, with Poppy making it very clear that she’s here to do her business, she is classy yet a handful, and there is nothing you can do about it. Being the only song on the project to have an Explicit warning with the line ‘‘I’m a chic chick / If you don’t like it, suck my d*ck’’, the aggressiveness and the unapologetic tone of this track steers the album towards the right path. The synth guitar solo felt like a very nice touch for adding a bit of edge to the track, as it also suffers a bit of weakness with the electropop production.

5.      Time Is Up: being the lead single of the album, Time Is Up gave us our first glance of what Am I A Girl? was going to be, and we can all agree that the raise in production quality and 80s synth sound that Diplo gave us threw us all for a loop. Not only that, but the lyrics, which narrate Poppy’s perspective of waking up in a factory then realizing mankind is destroying their own home, truly solidify the strength of this track. She is telling us that all we really have achieved during our time on Earth is pollution, overpopulation and causing sickness to the planet, and that once we go extinct due to our irresponsibility, her android body will stay here to witness the aftermath of the mess we made. Time Is Up does an astounding job of delivering a very serious message, while doing so with a sound that is sure to capture the interest of mainstream music listeners.

6.      Aristocrat: this track makes me feel the most reminiscent of Poppy’s work from the Bubblebath EP back in 2016. Produced by Fernando Garibay, Aristocrat is a very theatrical and dramatic telling of how Poppy infiltrated a party in what feels like the late 1700s France, easily capturing the attention of all those who are royal due to her dancing abilities, without realizing that, as she puts it, she ‘‘got there from the gutter.’’ The track is fresh and new for what Poppy usually puts out, while somehow still giving a nod to her earlier musical efforts. Definitely one of the strongest in the album.

7.      Hard Feelings: this is where we start getting that personal inside look on Poppy’s life, and where she becomes more vulnerable with the questions she’s asking about herself, like why she’s falling so hard for her creator if she wasn’t meant to be capable of feeling in the first place. The track opens with some lines in French, asking somebody what they want from her. We see more of the vulnerability when in the pre-chorus she asks ‘‘Am I a replica of someone that you loved? / Someone you made me to replace?’’ Then we get a very interesting touch of heavy rock guitars smoothly blending into the track after the chorus, which reappear with just a bit more intensity during the bridge, without necessarily overpowering the song or ruining the soft honesty the song is meant to portray. Overall, Hard Feelings does its task of presenting Poppy as someone who has more worries than just being chic, and also subtly opens for the surprises that are to come later in the album.

8.      Girls In Bikinis: this track leans more to the failing side of the album, as it feels somewhat unnecessary and honestly quite boring. Sounding like something that would perhaps gain more attention in the late 90s if it were released by any other female phenomenon of pop, the only redeeming quality that Girls In Bikinis might just carry is the bisexual hinting Poppy throws throughout the song. Other than that, it quite frankly sounds nothing like a track we should be getting from her, even if this album is all about expanding and experimenting with sounds.

9.      The Rapture Ball: this is another track that also falls a bit weak, especially with its lyrics. Poppy sings about going to a party and seeing everybody arrive in limousines and dance in gowns, but really she just fails at actually creating a good enough atmosphere for this grand ball that we’re supposed to be intrigued by. Perhaps the line where she states that she never got to go to her prom were meant to give it a more personal touch, but the overall content still feels like it only scratched the surface of its potential. The song in its entirety seems to rely mostly on the one line ‘‘This is the best bang since the big one’’, almost like it’s supposed to be so clever and iconic that we’ll want to sing it over and over and just forget how lacking the end result of everything really is.

10.  Am I A Girl?: Picking up once again after the disappointment of the last two songs is the title track, Am I A Girl?, where Poppy urges the listener to please not try to resolve or define her as either male or female, because she is having a hard time even knowing what it truly means to be either of those. It is a very nice track to hear, starting with the pop sound that we got on the first half of the album, and then hitting us with a hard rock that blends perfectly with the frustration of the message. Poppy is basically declaring war against gender roles and the definition of gender itself, something refreshing to hear for people like me in the LGBT community.

11.  Play Destroy feat. Grimes: this is where things get intense. First off, I simply could not imagine a world where this song would sound any good without Grimes in it. Poppy does add her own edge, and the combination of both these artists’ weirdness is just grand. Grimes is what makes the song though, which is not at all a bad thing. We hear these girls so sweetly announce that they are going to drop a match into a gas tank and burn down the local Walmart, all alongside a heavy rock production, and it’s nearly impossible to not allow them to do so. Then in the bridge Grimes says that she’s dying, with Poppy simply replying ‘‘It’s a Hollywood moment!’’, making fun of the way people there see anything that happens to celebrities as the newest gossip or article for their cheap magazine. In the end, Play Destroy is an absolute masterpiece that truly displays Poppy’s behavioral battle with herself and discovering if she really is the sweet angel she thought she was on her first album.

12.  X: Closing the album is the song that all previous rock attempts were really building up for. Continuing with the theme of going back and forth between wanting peace or wishing to see chaos and destruction in the world, this track goes for a less subtle approach (and it’s perfect). It begins with very heavy guitar, then quickly shifting into a melodic sunshine pop a la Beatles, with Poppy saying she wishes to empty the bullets out of all the guns in the world. But the calm does not last long before we go back into the metal, where we get lines like ‘‘Please get me bloody / You can get down on your knees if you’re naughty’’. A third sudden genre kicks in, this time (believe it or not), it being trap music. The track continues aggressively going back and forth, switching between all these sounds, but cleverly enough as not to get boring or overwhelming. It is definitely new and exciting to see Poppy go and attempt something so out of what she usually gives her fans, and it really could have gone either really well or horribly wrong. Luckily for her (and us), it was the former.

Am I A Girl? is an album that somehow is better when it gets out of the comfort zone of what we know Poppy for, with very nice vocals and a brave refusal to stick to only one genre. It contains very high replay value and it allows Poppy to show fans a new, edgier side that Poppy.Computer might have restrained her from. Hopefully in the future, she continues to explore and experiment in ways that keep being entertaining and interesting.

RATING: 7/10

Favorite songs: Chic Chick, Aristocrat, Time Is Up, Play Destroy, X

Least favorite songs: Fashion After All, Girls In Bikinis, The Rapture Ball

[theonceoverthinker]

OUAT Rewatch 1X04 - The Price of Gold

Week two!!! I’d say my thoughts on this episode are just GOLDEN, but I don’t let me INFANTIZE your experience - go read below the cut if you don’t believe me!

XD We have fun here sometimes!!!!

Press Release Emma tries to help a young pregnant woman escape from the clutches of Mr. Gold. Meanwhile, back in the fairytale world that was, Cinderella makes a regrettable deal with Rumplestiltskin. General Thoughts Past So, Snow gives a very interesting recontextualizing of the Cinderella story. I think it’s important to discuss that because that’s what the Cinderella story (And its many, many indirect retellings) was designed to show to audiences. I once took a theatre class that showed that during times like the Great Depression, theatres were making Cinderella plays and musicals as a way to show that there was hope for improving one’s situation. My only problem with this flashback is that Ella 1.0 is not super compelling. I buy her desperation, which gets a lot more understanding once “The Other Shoe” aired, but otherwise, she’s not exactly pleasant nor interesting to watch on the screen. All of the interesting plans having to do with her are made around her, not with her. That said - in that same vein - she serves as a great introduction device for the theme of “all magic comes with a price.” Her naivete allows us to see just how much can go under your nose when you’re willing to do “anything” to get what you want.

And Rumple plays off her brilliantly, taking advantage of that naivete to get what he wants, and all the while, making Ella feel twisted every way. Speaking of which, finally, I want to touch upon a unpopular opinion I have. Many take issue with the fact that we never see where Rumple stowed Thomas, but I don’t share that concern. It’s pretty clear that where he was didn’t matter and that no matter what, nothing short of the honoring of Ella and Rumple’s deal would bring him back, and in the present, only when Emma makes a substitute deal is the family reunited. Present Regina has fascinated me in that she’s continuously - despite being evil in these moments - delivered the themes of the episodes. While I was mostly talking about the roots line when I wrote that last sentence, the next line below fits this BEYOND perfectly too! “People don’t change. They only fool themselves into believing they can.” To quote Rumple, “when you can see the future, there’s irony everywhere.” Still, at the same time, while she tells the theme, it’s others who show it, providing a very layered level of insight for Emma. For example, in this episode, Emma sees the danger of running away and its effects on the safety and well being of a family dynamic and internalizes the lesson so she can prove herself beyond what Regina thinks. Also, Emma’s speech is just remarkable. It speaks to a more nuanced approach to her cynicism. She’s more than that and has optimism, but optimism on her terms. It’s a mix of the Lands With and Without Magic that genuinely works. I’d also be a fool to not talk about Gold, because wow! Immediately, he knows just the right strings to pull with Emma - someone who he’s only conversed with for a matter of seconds - to get her to do whatever he wants. But even still, while Gold does prevail through similar means, Emma does show that she’s only one or two small steps behind him with how she breaks through hit litigation with real world sympathies.

Now, I said Ella wasn’t too compelling, but Ashley by contrast is super compelling, She’s a foil to Emma, and really shows her dedication to changing her life in every scene she’s in and we get a sense for it as more characters talk about her. While it breaks the “show, don’t tell rule” a bit, I find that it works well enough. Sean too really sells what it’s like to be between a rock and a hard place with his family and his dad is not without a smidge of dimension too! Insights I like how the wands of the different fairies all have different designs. Cinderella’s fairy has a wand that’s like a light bulb - it’s glass on the outside, but there’s light on the inside. Meanwhile, Fiona’s is closer to tree bark mixed with charcoal. I’m going to pay closer attention to the wands going forward. I wonder if they knew when they wrote this episode that Rumple was going to have future powers. “It all comes down to the number seven.” SOMEONE ON THAT STAFF WAS FUCKING PSYCHIC! Maybe Adam’s tweet was real! XD This is our first real appearance of Gold’s shop, and what an introduction! The darkness alongside the creepy music and the fact that it’s a break in allows for an unhinged tone to settle in and we get to see some foreshadowing and call backs in a way that doesn’t take one out of the experience. Why does Regina never hire a babysitter? Henry is ten and he’s snuck out no less than three times in as many episodes. Get Sidney to spend a couple of hours in your house! He will literally do whatever you say! Why when breaking in and out of places do these people not wait ten minutes?! I mean, i know why - narrative shorthand (Same for why Henry has no babysitter), but damnit, they might see you! XD I love that awkward bit between Henry and Gold. Honestly, half of my insights here are just going to be that irony line. Emma’s whine about trying to be responsible is just adorable! I don’t want to be “that girl” who bitches about continuity stuff, but under the curse, does Ella have another step family? Because her real step family is in the Land of Untold Stories. “Anyone who wants to be a mother should damn well be able to be one.” I feel like there’s a lot to unpack about that line but I’m going to choose to interpret it as “anyone willing to dedicate themselves to motherhood and understand the responsibilities that come with it deserves a chance to be a mother.” The gardens are so beautiful in this episode! I wonder what Henry’s nickname for Emma was. “Mom,” perhaps? That would make sense given that’s exactly what he calls her not even a season afterwards. Awww! There’s a Regal Believer parallel. Just as Cinderella’s prince found his True Love’s shoe, Regina found Henry’s shoe!!! Arcs Emma’s journey of belief - What I like about season 1 is that most every episode contributes to the growth of this single arc, and here’s no exception. Just like Emma and Henry’s relationship needs roots to grow, as do the seeds of hope with one firm belief. While Emma doesn’t believe Henry, she does believe in Henry and in their bond, and as that develops, she takes more and more steps to cement it. Emma and Rumple’s deal - While there are mentions if it here and there going forward, as we all know, this arc won’t conclude until season two. Still, I like this deal as it’s created because the idea of keeping a baby and a mother’s life options is so personal to Emma so it makes for a compelling deal but at the same time isn’t something she would back out of. Regina and Graham’s affair - This is introduced here, and I’ll have more to say on it in a few episodes. Favorite Dynamic Emma and Henry. Already, you can see inklings of payoff for their dynamic. Emma is starting to seek Henry out a bit more to spend time together, as evidenced by her insisting on walking him to school. Additionally, when Henry tries guilt tripping her, Emma is much more overt to the fact that it’s working. Their quips are so much more casual and friendly and it just makes me so excited to see more of them! It’s such a far cry from episode 1, and in the best way possible! Writer David Goodman gets his first go around and he gets a strong start here! His strength - at least here - is a delivery of theme. Both themes - the price of magic and the need to not run away in order to create a family - are delivered with precision, but at the same time doesn’t feel like I’m being beaten over the head with it. Rating 9/10. My only problem is - again - Ella. You’ll see later on that I love Once’s diversity in terms of showing women with different qualities to their characters. Some are braver and sassier, some are mean, some are gentle and never fight, and some are scared. I think that that is so important because male characters often get to be all these things and more where as women are often bozed in as either ice women or more or less princesses. By that merit, I should love Ella too, but what I don’t love is that she really doesn’t have all that much agency in the flashback. Apart from her initial deal with Rumple - the character’s best flashback scene in this episode - she mostly just follows what other say and whines. That said, through her, we get to see the first instance of a theme that will occur regularly on this show, “all magic comes with a price,” and she serves that theme effectively enough. But please, don’t take this as me disliking the episode, because there’s so much to like. Despite playing once again a minor role in this episode (Which is funny considering the episode’s title), Rumple/Gold shines like a polished apple here. In the Enchanted Forest, not only does he deliver the theme of the episode brilliantly alongside Ella, gets to finally show off his own villainy. He kills a fairy and tries to extort away an infant. That’s just dastardly and I love it! And in Storybrooke, he tries it again and additionally manipulates Emma. The way he pulls on her insecurities makes him so compelling. We’d already seen it does with Regina, yes, but they have history. Emma - despite Gold knowing her role in the grander scheme of things - is a stranger to him. Also, while not working in the Enchanted Forest for me, Ashley is fantastic in Storybrooke! Finally, just all of the little nuggets of storytelling with Emma. Her various dynamics in this episode really drive the theme she needs to learn as well. Flip My Ship Ella/Ashley and Thomas/Sean: The relationship between Ella and the Prince really works. They don’t get a lot of time together, but in every moment the Prince is on screen, he is kind and supportive in an active way, making me really buy the connection between the two of them. He’s also very no-nonsense, making him a pretty strong character in his own right. And in Storybrooke, the tough position Sean is in, and the decision he makes at the end of the episode makes forgiving him really easily. Glass Believer: In the Regal Believer moment with the shoe, we get some probably not-at-all-intended-but-still-cute-as-hell Glass Believer too!!!!!

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Thank you for reading and to the fine folks at @watchingfairytales for setting this all up! See you next time! Season Tally (39/220) Writer Tally for Season 1: A&E (20/70) Liz Tigelaar (10/20) David Goodman (9/50)

[brett-buckner-the-dirt]

Abbey, preparing her sweet smile on her first morning as a safety monitor.

To the uninitiated, a safety monitor is responsible for the very lives of children existing and entering cars during morning drop-off and afternoon-pick-ups at school. That’s right, the child who still insists that she can’t pull the plug out of the bathtub for fear her “hand will get sucked into the darkness” is the only thing keeping a first-grader from being turned into a bleeding road meat patty under the wheels of his mom’s mini-van.

I gave Jellybean the option: Stay home or go to school for a half day.

With her sister coming home after delivering baby number two, it was going to require all-family-hands-on-deck to not only get Mamma and her itty-bitty baby settled, but also to keep Bam-Bam – the 2-year-old bull in the proverbial China shop – occupied.

“So what do you think?” I asked as Jellybean shielded her eyes against the late afternoon sunlight. “It’s totally your call.”

Some well-meaning busy bodies have suggested that Jellybean’s mother and I are guilty of spoiling our child with choices. I ignore these people, then mock them behind their backs. I want to raise a child who can think for herself, rather than being told what to do all the time. Those are the kids who go off to college and flunk out because their English Lit professor didn’t send them a wake-up call to their 9 a.m. class, so they end up spending a lifetime on wrong side of the Arby’s counter.

Not my kid … I’m planning on Jellybean’s independence allowing me to depend on her when I’m old. I’m thinking a Daddy Loft above her palatial mansion, that’ll let me live out my golden years like the Fonzie.

Any way … back to the trampoline and Jellybean’s decision.

I could tell she was thinking, which was impressive. I mean, what self-respecting child would turn down the chance to play hooky with parental permission?

Jellybean, as it turns out, is just that type of child. The type of child who, rather than sleeping late, staying in bed, watching A Series of Unfortunate Events on Netflix and maybe even going out for a butter biscuit with her Dad, would rather get up at 5:50 a.m. to the alarm clock’s evil blaring.

WHY, for the love of all that’s good and holy, would my precious daughter make such a heinous choice?

She did have an open-book social studies test that day, but with a 95 average that wasn’t Jellybean’s reason for opting for going to school for half a day. It was because of safety patrol. That’s right … I’m the father of a safety patrol monitor, and I couldn’t be more proud. However, it has made me second guess just how much DNA we share.

To the uninitiated, a safety monitor is responsible for the very lives of children existing and entering cars during morning drop-off and afternoon-pick-ups at school. That’s right, the child who still insists that she can’t pull the plug out of the bathtub for fear her “hand will get sucked into the darkness” is the only thing keeping a first-grader from being turned into a bleeding road meat patty under the wheels of his mom’s mini-van.

But it’s a responsibility she covets. I know this because every morning is like a fire drill with Jellybean sprinting into my bedroom, making sure I’m getting dressed and not “just laying around” and thus ensuring she’ll be late to school.

I fear the power has gone to her head, but it’s fun to see her so excited. We even came up with a catchphrase that more authoritatively comforting than Walter Cronkite’s “And that’s the way it is,” sillier than Fred Flintstone bellowing, “Yabba dabba doo!” and sassier than Flo telling an annoying customer at Mel’s Diner, “kiss my grits.”

Just as Jellybean slams the car, she’ll look at the driver and with a grin say, “peace and waffles” while flashing the peace sign then a “W” (think Snoop Dog doing his WestCoast impression).

Granted, she’s mortified by the thought of actually doing it, but that’s not the point. She’s proud of herself. She is proud of being in charge and of being asked to do something important. She’s proud of the neon green sash she wears and of actually having a reason to carry her ladybug umbrella. And I’m proud of her … and a little jealous.

I feel like Jellybean behaves at school the way I could have had I been heavily medicated.

Take a note that her 4th grade teacher recently sent home: “Abbey is such a joy to have in class. She’s always willing to help me or any of the other students.” The only notes I ever had sent home were detention slips.

At her recent awards ceremony, Jellybean took home more swag than Taylor Swift at the Grammy’s – including a Georgia Milestones medal that was made of actual metal – one was for all “satisfactory” in conduct. I literally got an “S” in conduct once in 13 years and that was mostly out of pity. The teachers, from kindergarten would write stuff like, “Brett really wants to behave and not disrupt the class,” but they’d give me a “needs improvement” anyway.

Jellybean will go out of her way to introduce me to and then ask to take a teacher with her teachers. I would have dropped a live grenade in my Simpson boxer shorts before letting my mom see my teachers from across a crowded room.

Jellybean’s report card is filled with stars and smiley faces. Her teacher’s comments have excited “!” I was personally responsible for at least five teachers accepting early retirement and one Spanish teacher being deported.

Jellybean comes home after school and after a little bit of down time, goes straight to her homework with minimal complaint. She doesn’t mind staying after school for math tutoring, especially when her grade improves to the point of no longer needing it.

I was made a 9 on a geometry test (yes … a 9 out of possible 100) as a senior in high school in a class that I had to pass in order to graduate. And I studied.

Jellybean has been named a Terrific Tiger at school.

I had an entire side of an assistant principal’s paddle reserved just for me to write my name after getting “licks.”

Jellybean sits at a small round table all day with her best friends and never – or at least, almost never, gets in trouble.

I once blew up condoms in algebra class and started batting them around the room when the substitute teacher stepped out of the room. And … I did it to impress girl. It kinda worked … she said she “worried about my need for attention” but we dated for years, so I’ll count it as a win.

Granted, Jellybean’s only in the 4th grade, but my dye had well been cast by then. When I was in 4th grade, for some reason, I pulled a gym sock over my head and started jumping wildly around the classroom, falling into the record player and ruining the Christmas party for the whole class.

Sure, these stories a funny in hindsight, but I’m not proud of them. I’m glad that Jellybean’s more like her mother when it comes to school by learning more than just how to make a fool of herself. I do my best to be a good and present father, but when it comes to school, I’m ok with being a cautionary tale.

There’s not a lot I look back on with pride. For Jellybean, I’m sure the exact opposite will be true.

  The Rise of the Safety Patrol To the uninitiated, a safety monitor is responsible for the very lives of children existing and entering cars during morning drop-off and afternoon-pick-ups at school.