#and I always knew I wanted to be a writer so the journals were practice

[scary-senpai]

Obviously I can’t speak for all autistic people, but a good portion of my journals as a young adult is just me observing people I like (find inspiring or fascinating), noting their dialogue and their body language. Your average person might consider these details irrelevant but that’s the thing—the experience of being autistic is the inexplicable sensation that you do not have the same hardware everyone else has; whatever most humans do naturally you have to practice.

And of course I can’t speak for the author, either, but imho a notebook full of sketches diagramming “casually relaxed posture” and “How To Respond When A Well-Respected-But-Overtly Lonely Older Coworker Invites You to Dinner” and “Straightforward Way to Order Fries” is the most autistic coded thing I’ve ever seen a character do, ever, except maybe that scene in Bungo Stray Dogs where Ranpo stands up and starts yelling in the theater.

There's upsides to being slightly autistic

Not that I'm diagnosing Genos as autistic, but his way of making Saitama his special interest has definitely reminded many of it. :)

Many have laughed at how silly his habit of noting 'irrelevant' details is.

But...

...there's method to this madness. Given how he's made such granular note of Saitama's habits, teachings, and body language, should 'God' (no ID) ever try to trick him, he'll probably see through it.

And that's no laughing matter.

[jammedjanna]

Some (Slightly Yujin-Centric) Head Canons About the Original Study Exchange Characters

Warning!! The Great Ace Attorney 2 SPOILERS AHEAD

The grandma that raises Susato for the first five years is Ayame's mom. Yujin does NOT talk to his parents. but he does feel the need to quietly send them money out in the country. Helps him connect to Jigoku whose family straight up disowned him (the devil connotation in his name is too easy to not make his fam super puritanical and decide he isn't good enough for them), Genshin who lowkey wishes he could disown his parents but kinda needs them around cause of the whole teen dad thing and his wife being VERY poor so basically having no assets to bring to the table besides bastard child (made her a factory worker cause industrial revolution was growing at the time, women who needed to work were basically prostitutes or factory workers and the working conditions of both were shit, and Kazuma's speech in the original Japanese game is actually about the need to improve factory conditions and liberate those workers which was super progressive at the time so I think his mother being a former worker who had to go back to support them after Genshin died and that basically killing her would 100% radicalize him; sadly Japanese society would not have looked at her very kindly at the time, but I love her), and Kazuma's mom whose only family has been dead since she was younger than Kazuma was (helps him understand her better when Yujin comes back from England to discover his parents died while he was away and no one told him cause they just weren't in actual contact at all)

Ayame has a good relationship with her parents. They're great. They run the dojo Yujin and Jigoku (and later Susato) learn/practice judo at. It's pretty close to the university so they both decide to go their for it, which is how they meet Yujin ALSO meets Ayame there cause her mom insists he can come by to practice any time he wants cause his studies end up giving him weird hours of free time. So he decides to go in the middle of the night one time and Ayame Susato-Takedown style attacks him assuming he's an intruder. Her mom clarifies and leaves them alone. They talk and spar til they lose track of time and it's morning. blah blah love story. Her parents are also very supportive of women's rights so they encourage Ayame to have a career. So she's an writer under pen name (Yujn starts doing his journals in England in her honor since she was always jotting down notes like that to use later). Yujin's parents were much more conservative but he never really understood the point of their beliefs. Naturally questioned everything thank god.

Ayame is the one who applied for Yujin to do the study tour. He was too down on himself and sure they wouldn't pick him but she knows he's brilliant and forges the application for him (he doesn't know until he's accepted.) The plan was her pen name would take a trip to Britain independent of the study tour so she could keep writing and they could go together. Plans changed a little when they found out she was pregnant (they were already married but weren't really planning a timeline on when to have kids.) They decided to continue their careers in Japan instead so they could start their family and maybe they'll check England out when Susato's a little older. They were still cycling through candidates for the third spot when Tragedy Strikes, so Genshin and Seishoro convince them to let Yujin back on and depart the tour sooner than intended Yujin is not doing well in the wake of Ayame's death. He's truly trying his best but he can barely take care of himself and Susato cries anytime he holds her or feeds her or changes her to the point he's worried she might be colic before they actually knew what that was (really she can just sense how stressed he is and the looming despair of everyone around her grieving Ayame.) Thankfully Ayame's parents are there to help and she seems to do so much better with them that in his grief and dysfunction, he decides the best thing he can do for her is literally just to support her financially cause he's going to fuck her up if he keeps going like this. And making as much money as he can means going where pathology is the hottest right now, which the exchange trip is his ticket too

Seishoro and Genshin are friends from childhood (yeah I like Brutus by the Buttress for them too much not to be). Yujin and Genshin meet each other through Seishoro, Yujin meets Kazuma's mom through Genshin, and she meets Ayame through Yujin Important to me that they're ALL good friends, especially Yujin and Kazuma's mom cause I feel that relationship is very important in the year after he returns to Japan. It's what ultimately leads to him unofficially adopting Kazuma after her death.

Like mentioned above, she has to return to her factory job which she was thankfully safe from after becoming pregnant with Kazuma because Genshin's family has money from before the samurai abolition that could support them. But they never really liked her. They always thought she derailed Genshin's bright future (even though he's still very successful while he's alive) and they don't want much to do with Kazuma until he's of age because he's not much use to them as a child. So now it's up to her to support them. The options are pretty much the same after half a decade, so back to the factory she goes which escalates her painful but manageable health problems into life threatening ones. And she is VERY insistent that Kazuma does not get a job to try to take the load off. She had to start working as a child and it wrecked her body. She will not let the same happen to her son. He's a smart boy who is going to stay in school and focus on his grades and he'll find a good job to keep him out of this position even if it kills her. She will not let this horrible system take him the way it took her.

She also doesn't like Genshin's family. She saw the toll they took on him and she doesn't want that for Kazuma, especially since they only care about him when he's useful to them. Yujin is also trying to help her but he's already supporting himself, Susato, and Ayame's parents on the salary of a fresh out of school pathologist (he tries to continue on the coroner route but after watching Kazuma's mom fade away in front of him, unable to do anything for her, he loses his stomach for it and switches to research and academia.) He can only stretch it so much. So she begs him, her only real friend anymore (Jigoku gets distant from both of them during this time cause of killing Genshin. He warms back up to Yujin after a while but at that point it's too late for Kazuma's mom), to at least Kazuma in if something happens to her. The Asogis don't have his best interests at heart and he can't survive on his own. She doesn't ask him to go as far as he does, she mostly pleads with him to give him enough financial support to stay in school and out of the workforce. Yujin sees that he desperately needs emotional support too and decides to take him in as his own (he tries his best to respect that he's not his father but he can't help but come to see Kazuma like his son. Kazuma has very complicated feelings about the Mikotobas and loves them like family too but he creates an intentional wall between them (that Yujin can see but Susato doesn't until he comes back "from the dead" in the second game) because he feels like he's betraying his parents by loving anyone else like he loved them. Ryunosuke helps break that down a little and seeing him, Susato, Iris, and Sholmes kinda beats into his head the idea of found family, so he tries to let everyone in more post-canon.

I know the game literally only talks about Kazuma's dad. I'm pretty sure they don't even mention his mom once, maybe just to say the grief killed her or something. but I think Kazuma was 100% a mama's boy and at the time, losing her hit him much harder than losing his dad (tho it doesn't help that it stacked on top of that death) Genshin had already been gone for so many years that Kazuma was a little more detached from him than he'd care to admit. and they never had a chance to reconnect like Susato and Yujin did. vs. losing his mom who has been around the entire time and is literally killing herself trying to give him the best life she can I think over time, he hyperfixated on Genshin's death being the thing that "ruined his life," or at least tore his family apart and focuses on clearing his name as something tangible he can do to try to get justice since there's nothing he can do to bring either of them back, but even less he can do to avenge his mom

I think Genshin and his wife loved each other but they got married more out of circumstance than anything else. They provided an escape for each other when they met and all things being equal, they would've moved on with someone else and possibly never seen each other again. They came to appreciate each other more raising Kazuma together and their bond definitely strengthen over their shared love and devotion for him, but when they were on other sides of the world, they sort of fell out of "love". Don't get me wrong, they still very much care about each other. Genshin's death definitely devastates her and causes her health to deteriorate much quicker. I just think they both naturally feel an inclination to explore other relationships while apart but don't because they feel too guilty "cheating" on each other despite knowing on some level they both feel this way. Plus societal expectations of married couples still weighs on them. Even though a lot of people considered it no big deal for men to cheat, Genshin still struggled with acting on any of his feelings while in England (COUGH COUGH KLINT) I also kinda think they were both gay and were drawn to each other because of that but struggled with identifying their feelings because of comphet and their platonic affection for each other.

On the other hand, I think Klint and Lady B also started as a marriage of convenience. They're both the eldest living family members of their families and though Klint has Barok, they're both far from the perfect picture of nobility. So getting married is a good way to improve their social standing and preserve wealth and their family images. Plus they find each other charming enough to strike up a partnership and Barok likes her which is hard cause a sweetheart but kinda judgmental about the complexities of nobility and the way it shapes people (he's also very scandalized at the idea of marrying for anything short of love cause he's always been a hopeless romantic and that's what their parents did. He tries to get Genshin to side with him who then has to awkwardly explain he had a shotgun wedding.) Anyway all that to say they like each other enough but don't have any romantic feelings in the beginning. But I think they slowly fall in love over the next few years until they're genuinely very enamored with each other and want to start a family together. Which is a teensy bit of a struggle so the best day of Klint's life ends up coinciding with the worst. (His wife is pregnant and they're going to have a child together :D! But also Stronghart caught onto him taking justice into his own hands and blackmailed him into killing his mentor, who acted as a stand-in father after the death of his parents :/) 10. I think Yujin, Genshin, and Jigoku remain very close in London and get together quite often but they each have their own little corners of London they sort of keep to themselves. Great friends who are all somewhat acquainted with each other but only barely. Like at a party Klint hosts and wants to invite Genshin's friends and some Judiciary and Sholmes crashes it. Yujin has Sholmes and Mrs. Hudson (I can't fucking believe we never see or talk to her in-game by the way. They only mention her like once). Jigoku has Stronghart and some other dudes who are definitely kickstarting his villain arc. And Genshin has Klint and Lady B and Barok. and then they all kinda share Gregson cause he intersects with all their bullshit (much to his dismay) and Sholmes to an extent cause he NEEDS to know everything he can about Yujin's terrible taste in friends and he breaks into crime scenes and courthouses and offices a LOT

I don't know how accurate this is to ACD Watson, but: Yujin definitely thinks he's a good judge of character but he's actually shit cause he always wants to see the best in people So Sholmes 100% feels the need to investigate everyone in his circle to make sure he hasn't accidentally befriended Jack the Ripper. None of them are serial killers (yet) but he's keeping his eye on all of them.

OKAY NOW I'M DONE

Sorry for the stream of consciousness dump there but I wanted to get all my thoughts out about these freaks with barely any screentime besides Sholmes and Yujin.

And Would you believe I have all this head canon lore about Kazuma's mom/Mrs. Asogi but I STILL can't come up with a good name for her?? Same for Lady B but at least I have something to refer to her as besides Iris's mom or Klint's wife.

[secretsandpurplethoughtss]

Candy's / Ysaline's Backstory

I decided to write a story based on what we already know about our Candy in MCL New Gen. I obviously took some creative liberties and I am imaginaing this to be my Candy's story, but I hope you guys like it. As the game goes on I might turn this into a full on fanfic! :)

Enjoy:

I studied journalism at university, because writing is truly my passion and I’ve always wanted to become a writer, a journalist. Following said dream, I moved to Spokane after graduation to work at my dream company as a “Staff Writer and Analytical Assistant”. EPMC had its headquarters in Los Angeles, but they were a huge company and so they had a couple of offices around the U.S. I always thought that EPMC seemed fun and lively, but I realized on my first day already that it was all just an appearance to please the readers, the content consumers, its customers. The company was cold, and it was extremely competitive – something I wouldn’t necessarily mind normally, but I was raised to believe that competitions should be fair and honest. At EPMC, backstabbing and sabotage was not just allowed but encouraged.

The only person I trusted at the company was my boss. It felt like we pretty much had the same values and he always voiced to me how “he hated the atmosphere in the office” and how “barbaric these competitions were”. Because I felt lonely and most of my days were filled with fights with colleagues I couldn’t stand, I was a more than frequent visitor in my boss’ office. We’ve became friends and soon… more. I should have known that dating my boss would bite me in the ass, but he seemed like such a great guy, and I was so lonely and desperate for kindness and companionship. Not to mention that I upkept the “happy façade” to my friends and family, because I didn’t want them to worry about me. My boss, my boyfriend was the only person I could confide in. My colleagues soon caught onto the fact that we were dating, but I didn’t really care about them gossiping about me. Even before my boss and I got together they would gossip and try to make me feel bad just for existing in the same space as them, so… it didn’t really matter. I was happy with him; at the time he might have been my only source of happiness.

That and my weekends where I ventured out into the city to explore it – museums, coffee shops, hikes. I liked the city: Spokane was breathtaking.

Things started to go even more downhill one day however, when I was in the office of my boyfriend waiting for him to return from a meeting. We were scheduled to discuss the analytics of the EPMC website, but his meeting was running late. He left his phone on his desk, and it kept buzzing, buzzing, and buzzing. It was unusual for him to forget about his phone and although he did get a lot of texts – the company didn’t provide us with separate work phones, so his phone was always going off, my mind went to darker places. What if his phone wasn’t buzzing itself practically off the table because a lot of people emailed him, but because there was an emergency? What if something happened with his family?

I was an overthinker and so my panicked thoughts led me to picking up his phone. I couldn’t see the texts he was receiving since they only showed themselves through face ID, but I could see the name of the person who sent them – “my love”.

My heart skipped several beats, before I put the phone back on the table. Could “my love” be anyone else besides a lover? No… he was cheating on me.

Soon, after I came to the shocking realization that he was unfaithful, he came back to his office, and he acted like everything was normal. Like he wasn’t a cheater. He gave me a kiss on my cheek and started apologizing for being late, cracking jokes and laughing at them.

I knew I needed to confront him, but I questioned myself – what if I was somehow wrong? What if he wasn’t cheating? I went on, telling him about the analytics and at the end of my presentation he commented on my “strange behavior”. I just lied about having a headache and left his office shortly after. At my cubicle I was bombarded with mean comments by my colleagues (as always), telling me how “I was sleeping my way to the top”. Usually, I didn’t give any attention to these comments, but that day I did. And then someone called me “a dirty mistress”.

“I’m a mistress?”, I asked the colleague that called me that word with genuine confusion. “Why would I be a mistress?”

“Are you really that stupid?”, he lifted an eyebrow.

I truly didn’t know what he was getting at.

“Wait, NO! DON’T TELL ME! HAHAHAHA!”, he started laughing and kept calling attention to himself. “She doesn’t know guys! She really doesn’t know!”

Other people caught on and started laughing with him and kept giving me certain looks. Their behavior always reminded me of high school or those nightmares where I was naked and people pointed at me, all while also ridiculing me.

“What are you talking about?” Anger was boiling inside me, but I knew that giving them what they wanted, an angry reaction, wouldn’t benefit me at all. Plus, then they’d win.

“He is married! You’re his mistress, his side peace. He doesn’t wear his ring at work but come on! Did you really not know?”, the guy finally explained with tears in his eyes from laughter.  

My entire world shattered in that moment. They were liars, they were jealous, they were competitive assholes, but I knew they were telling the truth just for once. It would explain why I never stayed at my boyfriend’s place after all these months (he said that they were doing construction at his place and that he was currently staying at some hotel), why he had someone in his phone under the name of “my love” and why I barely met anyone from his private life. He wasn’t really unfaithful to me; he was truly unfaithful to his wife. I was the other woman, not the woman in his phone named “my love”.

All the frustration inside me just broke loose – I hated my job; I hated my colleagues, and I hated my boyfriend for being a lying, cheating bastard. I got up from my desk and marched straight into his office, determined to break up with him, to let everything out. He was on the phone, but when our eyes met, he quickly ended the conversation. I closed the door behind me – quiet forcefully – and started chewing him out.

Normally, I wouldn’t let myself get so off the rails, as I always tried to rail in my negative emotions, to have some kind of control over myself, but I’ve been through hell ever since I walked inside EPMC building on my first day of work. He was the only one I trusted, the only one who made me happy in Spokane and he wasn’t even the person I thought he was. I quit right then and there and packed up my desk on the same day. I threw every gift, every memory of him and I in the trash, when I got home and called my mother, telling her, crying to her about the whole thing.

“Come home, baby. Just come home! We’ll work this out, I promise!”

So, I did. After that phone call, I put on some music and packed all my things. I started to re-assemble all my furniture, despite my inability to be handy. I blocked all my previous colleagues’ and my ex’s phone number, and I booked a ticket to Seattle for the next day. I was exhausted and I was in pain – all I needed was my mom and my sometimes-annoying little sister.

Seven hours later, my apartment looked just like the way it did when I moved in almost a year ago. My entire life was in boxes and in a couple of hours, movers would come around to get all my things. Almost all my furniture would go to a storage unit, and I’ll sell them on Facebook Marketplace as cheap and as soon as possible – I didn’t want to own the things he touched, where memories with him and his bittersweet-lies would always hunt me.

This new chapter of my life closed too soon. Not even an entire year did I live in this apartment, in Spokane and worked at EPMC. This was not at all how I imagined it to go: I was mentally drained and heartbroken. My dreams shattered and now I was left with anger and embarrassment. Despite all of this I tried my best to look at the bright side of things. I missed mom, I missed Tasha, Taki and I missed Seattle, so going home would be good. I would start therapy again – My God, I so was desperate to message my therapist this entire time, but because I moved and felt confident in myself, I broke it off with her before I moved to Spokane.  So maybe, when I focused on all these things this will be good – I’d find a good place to work, would spend some desperately needed time with my family (maybe even dad).

A new start. A fresh start. Truly, what are your twenties for if not that, right?

With a sad and somewhat forced smile on my face I closed the door of my apartment one last time.

I would focus on the positive from now on. It’ll all be okay… this is just a new chapter in my life.

I will welcome it with open arms.

[justcallmehappy]

OH HEY HI HELLO OLNF WRITER!! mwuah love seeing u guys

if ur still taking requests, can you do step 2 tamarack and qiu with a songwriter MC? MC really likes writing about the two, and if you read just a quarter of the lyrics they write , you can just immediately feel the absolute love they hold of their neighbors <3

hey hey hey!! this was such a cute request, i hope you enjoy anon :) (also, sorry i’ve been gone so long… i honestly forgot about this blog ;-;. i’ll be updating it now though, and getting to requests! sorry again <3)

“Muse”

(Step 2) Tamarack Baumann x gn!reader, Qiu Lin x gn!reader

synopsis: Overall, you're very happy with where things are right now. Of course, you can't help the wishful thoughts that your two neighbors would become friends once again, but you're happy just being a part of their life; even if both of their lives exclude the other. However, the only way anyone would find out you weren't content with their (lack of) friendship would be reading through some lyrics you write about your favorite muses.

word count: 2k

You hum to yourself, scribbling out a line from your notebook.

You sigh and sit up, tossing the journal, it landing propped open on the floor with the lyrics ready for anyone to read.

Well... the ones that weren't scribbled out, anyway.

Crossing your legs and resting your head on your chin, you glower down at the journal.

You stay there for a few moments, frustrated.

You see, things have been... different lately. Not bad different, just different. One of the biggest things that made everything different was the fact that your two favorite neighbors are no longer friends.

It wasn't something ever said, just... silently agreed on. You all knew it, they're friends with you but not each other.

Almost every time you run into one when you're with the other, it turns into some sort of argument.

And, if you were being honest, it frustrated you.

Where did it all go wrong?

But you can't let them know, you don't want them to worry about you. So you're fine.

...Right?

"(Name)?"

You jump, eyes wide as you look towards your door left ajar.

Your mother is smiling at you apologetically, realizing she startled you.

"Didn't mean to surprise you."

You shake your head, waving her concern off with your hand. "It's okay. What's up?"

She lets out a soft breath, smiling at you. "Tamarack is downstairs, she wanted to see you."

You instantly brighten at the mention of the golden-haired girl. You spring up, rushing towards the door.

Your mother had foreseen this, so she'd already stepped to the side to let you bound down the stairs.

Grinning, you practically fling open the door, eager to see your adorable neighbor.

Caught off by the sudden movements, Tamarack jumps with wide eyes when your grinning face is suddenly in hers.

“Hey, Tam!” You grin, pulling her in for a hug.

Said girl lets out a slightly flustered yet happy laugh as she’s pulled into quite the bear hug. She pats your back before you pull back, resting your hands on her shoulders.

“Why so excited?” She smiles, tilting her head.

You shrug, ushering her inside and up the creaky stairs to your bedroom. “No reason. I just needed a distraction.”

“From what?”

“Nothing.”

She sighs, shaking her head with a smile that gave everything away as she sat on your bed. You smile back, the sight of her braces making your heart soften.

“So, what’s up?” The sparkly-haired girl perks up, pausing for a moment, before recognition flashes in her ruby red eyes.

“Right! I wanted to ask you about something.” You tilt your head curiously, crossing your arms over your chest as you lean against your wall.

“Are you free tomorrow, after school? Omi wanted your help with moving some furniture.” She smiles bashfully, obviously feeling a little bad about asking.

“Sure,” You shrug. Because of your easygoing nature, Granny was quick to ask you to do her favors; however, she always payed you back in sweets. You’d still help her if she didn’t, though.

Tamarack lets out a relieved sigh, resting a hand on her chest. “Oh, thank you, (Name). I didn’t want to be the only one moving this stuff.”

You laugh, gaze shifting to your desk and the strewn about notes—Qiu’s notes. Right.

You quickly shuffle over to your desk, finding Qiu’s familiar black spiral notebook they always took notes in.

“Hey, Tam, I forgot I needed to return this to Qiu; you can stay though, I’ll only be gone for a moment.”

For the split second you mention Qiu’s name, Tam almost winces. You can’t really blame her, considering Qiu’s rather… cold exterior now, but it still stung to see her look so startled by the name of a friend who used to be so dear to her.

However, when she says okay, you rush out of your room and down the stairs, almost tripping over that one plank that’s always sticking out.

As you pull on your sneakers, you let out a soft, disappointed sigh. Walking out your front door, you can’t help but wonder where it went so wrong; it wasn’t you, was it?

…Was it?

Whatever. What matters is getting Qiu’s notebook back to them before they would rip out your eyes. (Dramatic, you know, but you can’t help but think they might just actually do that).

Honestly, it’s a little funny to think that you’re returning Qiu their notes.

Anyone that knew you—or Qiu—would probably do a double take, since it’s usually you giving Qiu your notes, if they ever actually asked for them. Most of the time it was you forcefully giving them your notes so they can actually pass the class.

However, this was one of the only classes Qiu actually enjoyed—Art History—so when you were out sick on Friday, you knew they’d have the notes.

Anyways, back to reality. You make the short walk down the damp sidewalk to Qiu’s red house. Making your way up onto their porch, you politely ring the doorbell.

It takes a few minutes for the white door to open, only to reveal your favorite bored face in the world.

Qiu raises a brow at your appearance, silently asking “what’s up?”.

To answer their silent question, you extend their shiny black notebook for the world to see. Realization flashes in their brown eyes and they gingerly take the notebook from your hands.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

When you smile, they offer a half-smile of their own; though, basically anyone else would probably look at you as if you have three heads if they saw Qiu’s “half-smile”. The only reason you could call it that was because you’ve known them for four years.

At that, you offer them a dorky salute, earning an amused snort from them.

“Gotta go! Get back to Tam.”

Their expression doesn’t change, though a slight glint of disdain flashes in their eyes for a moment. They nod. “Okay. Later.”

You smile and wave before running back to your house, blissfully unaware of what you’d given Qiu.

It wasn’t their notebook, not at all. It was yours. And it wasn’t even for school—it was yours notebook filled with lyrics about—yep, you guessed—Qiu and Tamarack.

But did you know that? Nope!

So you stroll back to your house, much too relaxed, especially considering the embarrassment you’d experience in the future.

But it’s not happening now, so that’s that.

Nothing to concern yourself over.

You hang out with Tamarack for a few more hours, talking about everything and nothing and doing a few homework questions here and there. She asks about any songs you’ve written recently (since she knows about your hobby), but you bashfully avoid the questions, too embarrassed to admit you write about Tamarack herself.

“I gotta use the bathroom, be back in a few.”

The golden haired girl nods in response, crossing her legs as she sits on your bed. As she’s looking around the room, she can’t help the gnawing curiosity at the random crumpled papers strewn about the room.

Knowing she’d probably regret it later, Tamarack wants to look at them. If they’re crumpled, it means they’re scrapped. So it won’t be a big deal if she looks, right?

Just as she’s about to get up, she can hear the doorbell ring.

“Tamarack, dear?”

The sparkly-haired girl perks up at the sound of her name, and she recognizes it as your mother’s voice from just down the hall; probably her bedroom.

“Yes?”

“Would you mind getting the door? I’m in the middle of something.”

“Of course!”

She calls back, hopping off your bed to go down the stairs. In the back of her mind, she’s glad that the doorbell interrupted her from snooping into her friend’s things. She *knows* she’d regret it later.

However, her relief is short-lived, because when she answers the door, she sees a face she hasn’t had a real conversation with in months.

Qiu Lin.

The two stare at each other in a surprised silence for a few moments before Tamarack instinctively narrows her gaze. “…Hi.”

Qiu stares at her for a few seconds before promptly ignoring her greeting, instead peeking behind her shoulder to see if they can see you.

“(Name)’s in the bathroom.” Tamarack answers curtly, crossing her arms over her chest. She can feel that familiar prick of annoyance she always gets whenever Qiu decides that she’s just another fly on the wall.

Qiu’s gaze narrows as they look over to the girl. Upon further inspection, Tamarack notices the slight flush in their cheeks; embarrassment. But why would they be embarrassed when talking to her?

Qiu lets out a short huff and extends the shiny black notebook Tamarack had seen you rush out your bedroom with earlier that day.

“…Give this to (Name).” Is all Qiu says, staring at the floor almost guiltily.

Tamarack can’t help but feel surprised at Qiu actually acknowledging her presence, going as far as to speak to her directly. That hasn’t happened in almost 6 months.

Too surprised to argue, the girl silently takes the notebook from their hands.

“And tell them they can give me my notes tomorrow,” Qiu pauses. “…And that I’m sorry for reading it.”

And then, they’re walking away, back to their house.

Tamarack can only watch their retreating form in a slightly taken-aback silence. That… they said three sentences to her.

Three!

That’s… unheard of.

Tamarack can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong with Qiu; they’re acting so… weird.

As soon as the girl snaps out of her stupor, she looks down at the notebook in her hands.

Confused, she flips it over to the back in her hands as she steps back and closes the door behind her.

When that doesn’t give her any answers, she opens the book to a random page.

She quickly recognizes the familiar scrawl of your handwriting in the page in small phrases.

Tamarack blinks when she sees her name, and under that, a bunch of… lyrics?

…Wait, you wrote a song about her?

Unable to push down her growing curiosity, she flips through the notebook, reading through all the finished and unfinished songs.

She smiles when she imagines your voice singing the particularly sweet ones about her, and just curiously reads what you write about Qiu.

It’s so… heartfelt. Vulnerable. Maybe even a little heartbreaking.

Tamarack can’t help like she’s snuck a cookie from the forbidden cookie jar as she looks through the notebook.

How come you’ve never shared anything with her? You’re so talented.

Then, as she’s flipping through the book, she stops at a particular section; Qiu and Tamarack.

Not just Qiu. Not just Tamarack.

Qiu and Tamarack.

Her name grouped with Qiu’s. Their names, together.

“…Huh?”

She reads a few of the songs, though most seem unfinished, until she ultimately closes the book.

Tamarack’s previous giddiness morphs into a strange combination of sadness and… guilt as she places the notebook back on your desk and plopping onto your bed.

Sure, guilt that she’d read something of yours without your permission, but also guilt about the situation her and Qiu’s problems put you in.

She never even realized…

“Tamarack?”

She snaps her head up, eyes wide at the sound of your voice.

“Uh… you okay?” You frown worriedly, arms crossed over your chest.

The girl nods quickly, getting up in a fluster. “Ah—uh, yeah! Just… remembered I left the stove on.”

You blink. “…You’ve been here for three hours.”

“Uh—yeah! So I should really go turn it off, haha…”

“…”

“…”

You stand in an awkward silence before the girl rushes out of your room and down the stairs, leaving the house in a flash.

You can only watch in a confused silence as she practically runs out of your house, but you shrug and turn around, writing it off as that she’d forgotten something important; something that wasn’t turning off the oven.

Then, the familiar shiny black notebook laying on your desk catches your eye. You frown, confused, as you swear you just gave it to Qiu.

You pick it up, opening the book to see if it really was their boo—oh, shit.

…You just gave Qiu your notebook full of songs.

About them.

Just great.

[stargirlposts]

El Malo

CHAPTER 2

(I know I took quiet a minute to post this but I lost my drafts in my old phone cause it fell in water 😭 and I didn’t back anything up but it’s here it also took a while cause I don’t really like how it turned out im having major writers block so some feedback would be great ps. Thank you for the likes and reposts it means a lot to me

I couldn’t sleep all night after Cesar told me that Oscar is getting out tomorrow. I don’t know what to expect or what’s gonna happen. I cuddled up on the couch as I thought back to when Oscar and I were younger. Him and I had always known each other, not personally but my house was down the street from his, so when I would walk to school, I would walk past his house . As we got older, Oscar and I always exchanged glances but we never talked.

I had never even told my friends about the glances that we shared, he didn’t tell his friends either, it was just something between us. I can still remember when one day I saw him with those beautiful dark curls and the next day it was all gone. Or when I saw his Santos tattoo for the first time.

I always thought Oscar was attractive but I wouldn’t ever dare act on it. He was a santo and I was a goody two-shoes, I never thought he was interested in me. I was the complete opposite of the ideal girl for him in the position he was in as a santo. But he didn’t care about that. He was different. He is different.

But, I’m concerned about how Oscar getting out is gonna affect Cesar. He seemed real distant after he told me that Oscar is getting out. I’m scared about what’s gonna happen

Cesar and another santo went to pick Oscar up, I didn't want to stick around for when they would come back so I decided to go to my mom’s house.

“Mija, you can't hide here forever. You’ll have to face him eventually” my mom stated softly as she stroked my hair lovingly.

“I thought you didn’t want me anywhere near him” I stated as I turned to look at her.

“And I don’t, I told you multiple times when you were a teen not to go anywhere near him and that he was no good for you but look where we are now “

I rolled my eyes with a sigh, “ I have Tony, he’s good for me, isn’t he?”

“Well, from what you’ve told me he is but I’m your mom, I know you don’t love him”

“I don’t know how to leave him, he’s been so good to me but he’s just not-“

“He’s not Oscar “ she started cutting me, “ You’re gonna hurt him if you keep lying princess”

“I told myself I’d learn to love him and I will, it’s just taking a while”

My phone buzzed and I looked to see it was a notification from Cesar

Cesar💙: he’s out.. we’re heading back now

I turned my phone off and told my mom I was going to my room. I was gonna relax and take a nice bath and everything was gonna be fine.

I was writing in my journal when I heard a knock on my door and my mom opening the door halfway.

“Caesar is here to see you ,” she smiled softly and patted Cesar on his shoulder.

“ Hey, Cesar” I said to him as I put my notebook in my bedside drawer.

I saw his eyes looked red and I tugged his wrist to sit down on my bed.

“What happened, what’s wrong?”

“Oscar is forcing me into the gang, I don't want to Y/N..”

We both knew this was gonna happen even before Oscar got arrested.

“Do you want me to talk to him even though I really don’t want to see him but you know I’d do anything for you..”

“We both know nothing's gonna change his mind, I’m scared of him, I don’t think even you could change his mind..He asked about you, I think he wants to see you”

I rolled my eyes but I’m not gonna lie and say that didn’t warm my heart. My mom knocked on my door telling me that she was gonna do a quick run at the store and then pass by Geny’s house. My mom and her were very close practically sisters. Cesar and I talked but then he got a message from Oscar so I walked him to the door, but when I opened it, I felt my heart beat a million times more..there he was the love of my life, Oscar Diaz.

Cesar cleared his throat and started walking out “I’ll wait in the car”

The 1966 Cherry red Chevy Impala. Oscar and I share a lot of memories together in that car.

“You’re not gonna give me a welcome home hug”

I finally looked up at him.

“I’m seeing someone Oscar” I stated as I crossed my arm, and looked down. As much as I wanted to hug him and kiss him, I couldn’t.

He chuckled at this “Yea, I’ve heard, but he’s not me, you’re still mine Y/N..”

“Oscar, it’s not the same anymore”

“You can lie to yourself but we both know, you still love the way I still love you” he gently touched my chin and closed the door, leaving me to wipe away my own tears.

[choster33]

Bridgerton Season 3 ep 2 Reaction

Again, I am going at this slowly and probably going to be spoiled mercilessly until June but I am watching one episode a week until June. So here is my reaction to Episode 2. Spoilers ahead.

Ok, so I've been spoiled by references to this already. But Colin and the whores. So right now I don't feel any way about this because Colin is over age and single. He is back from Europe and has had the influence of Anthony and Benedict before him. He is not cheating on anyone here and having fun especially because he can. He has the money and the freedom to do it. He is not deflowering virgins and lying to women or mistreating them, he is getting in practice.

Now back to Polin. Ok the discussion about the first meeting is SO CUTE! He brings it up which shows how much of it he remembers and shows that it is important to him, not some insignificant thing. I would be melting! "Because we were children" indeed. The best love starts with friendship and there is no better friends than the ones you have as little children! You are your purest selves! Even Rae the housemaid thinks there's something going on! Plus I love the ease Penelope feels around Colin and that they are friends. Yes!

Colin talking to Penelope about going abroad and finding himself is surprising and refreshing. In the books, a major plot point was Colin chafing at the Bridgerton name and wanting to be known and admired for himself which leads to Penelope encouraging Colin's writing. I wonder if they will ever include Colin writing in the show and am curious about that. But I'm not mad that show!Colin is more at peace and one with himself in the show than the books, it makes him more grounded and by the time they get together Penelope will be getting whole, mature Colin. "Living for the estimation of others is a trap, once you break free, the world opens up." Swoon!

Bridgerton drawing room! Colin listens to her. He asked her where she was most comfortable and uses that information. This is the kind of stuff that makes me love friends to lovers. Whether there is sex involved or not, this is the one person who actually knows you, who actually cares about your wants and needs. He's not doing anything nefarious or even self serving, he is just being her friend. Yes! This is also one of the reasons I've always liked Colin, he is a cinnamon roll sweetheart who truly is a good friend which makes Penelope's crush on him a healthy choice.

OMG! The eyes bit! Yes, Penelope yes! See, she loves the kindness in Colin and she was vulnerable, even he needed a drink then! Ooh they put in the journal reading and hand cutting scene from the books! Yes, it was one of the scenes I loved! He is angry at her for seeing something so intimate, but he also is super close physically to her as well as a type of freedom that someone has seen his most intimate thoughts.

Ooh, hand twitching, he's definitely thinking of Penelope! Eloise is not wrong here, they are single and often unchaperoned, if they are really playing friends and leading to nothing it does not look right, but we know better! Aww, Polin laughing together! Yes, that is a horse joke! One thing I love about Polin is their mutual sense of humor at puns, jokes etc. They are both word nerds at heart and I love it.

Featheringtons and the lack of sex knowledge is a hoot! They are not my favorite people and side story, but I did cackle at that. Aww, I;m glad that Bridgerton is putting people in wheelchairs in the show! Yes and he's not a joke or anything, good for them! And Colin isn't judgmental or disapproving, score!

Ooof, damn you meddling mamas and gossiping bitches leave Penelope alone! And I am proud and clinging to the writers allowing Cressida to be a fully fleshed out person and not just a villain for not starting the gossip. Ooh, yes though on Colin defending Pen so heartily even to his own sister.

I knew Cressida wasn't the culprit! Yes, the writers are really trying to make Cressida a rounded out character and worthy of forgiveness or at least some understanding. I wonder what they are going to do for her as the season progresses... I think it might be a good look to turn things on its head and to put out the message that no one is irredeemable and etc.

The scene of Penelope at the window is so sad, even her mother doesn't believe she will get a husband and she was forced to write as Lady Whistledown about how pathetic she is. She herself knows how the game is played and how courtship works and this is not the way to get a husband, she's definitely in some deep darkness right now.

Then we get Colin coming over to check in on Pen! Ohh, she asked for a kiss! They started and now they are really going for it! Yeehaw! Squee! Omg! SO hot. The look in his eyes afterwards! Oh! I see where Colin is the prince being awakened by the kiss! Pen is like bye thanks for the kiss and it probably meant nothing to you so I won't make a thing out of it. And he is all I did it to be kind to my friend but it feels so good and right and HOT damn what am I feeling?? Yes, yes, yes!

I can't wait for the next two episodes! I'm living for this!

[somelonelywordmonger]

I liked everything about the latest adaptation of Avatar: The Last Airbender, except for the story. It had the gist of some plot points but made it feel rushed and with some serious holes.

Spoilers ahead:

If Aang can control the air currents as well as we saw in the first scene with him, where he was practically flying/gliding without the glider to help him control the air, then how come he falls in other scenes or needs to use the ladders to escape with the Blue Spirit?

Why were Appa and Momo hardly present when most of the series takes place with them either on Appa or with the two present. Momo hardly left Aang's side, for instance. And don't even get me started on the last episode and what happened to Momo.

I like how they explored the darker parts of what was really happening. What war means and what happened to Zuko and how brutal it was. Or how much death there really was. I like that Aang struggled with the past and his failures, but he didn't truly begin to face that until Book Two. In Book One, he was just being a kid, wanting to have fun and escape responsibility.

Zuko with a secret notebook is interesting, and I enjoyed the furthering of their connection with Aang. (Plus, I just like to say, 'Zuko has a diary,' and then chuckle even though I think having a diary or journal is healthy and okay.) But other additions to characters or total reworks were completely wild to me. King Bumi was not as rough and negative as he was portrayed here. And Zhao was not a nobody who rose through the ranks because Azula wanted to be better than Zuko. She already knew she was perfect; her father didn't strike me as playing games with her. Although, I wouldn't put it past Ozai to have pitted them against each other. Zhao's character rework was awkward, but Bumi's was painful. I did appreciate Hahn not being a total dumbass jerk. I liked what they did with his character, and I loved all the women coming with Katara to face Pakku right before the battle truly broke out.

The animated Book One was always slow to me. It felt like it was dragging here and there, but it was still good and still held my interest. Watching the live-action adaptation show, I felt like it was being rushed. There were references to their adventures that we saw in the animation. Still, skipping parts and combining scenes with different characters while reworking some of them and adjusting the plot was not the best idea. It made it feel odd and choppy, but maybe that is because I know the story.

Literally, Jet is blowing up Omashu while Aang gets his ass handed to him by Bumi, who is verbally abusing him and trying to get Aang to choose death or murder. And the whole thing with Koh and the spirit world was something else, too.

Finally, I liked seeing the recent previous avatars and how they helped to drive the inner conflict that Aang experienced. But it was also awkward and created some holes or moments of "what?" that wouldn't have happened if they stuck to Roku being the spirit guide. I mean, Aang meets them before his final battle in the third Book. And they basically say what they said here, so the writers jumped the gun and have created a future problem, but if the story continues to be warped, then I guess they can avoid it. There are obviously other awkward things, but those were my big ones.

[starscribes]

NaNo Update Day 17

Words Written Today: 1409

Words Written Total: 28209

Overall Feeling: Pretty good, didn't get as much time today, and I probably won't tomorrow either if any at all, but I'm still on track with the word count goal for each day so that's encouraging, just don't want to get too far behind!

Song: Legendary by Black Math is another song on my WIP playlist that I discovered recently, it works well for Shades of Night because it works for both Sebastian's main plot and Samantha's side plot. For Sebastian his journey in this work is about discovering he's more than just a simple monster hunter, he's a leader, and he revives a centuries-old monster hunter group. For Samantha, it's about discovering the tale of the original creator of that same group. Even though they are on opposite sides of the map for this story they're both working on the same puzzle, just different chronological ends of it.

Snippet: (under the cut, a longer snippet than usual today)

Samantha sat at the desk with the book, activating the lamp but setting it to a dimmer light so she didn’t disturb her dad. It was a journal, the words on the pages were handwritten. She flipped through the pages quickly, seeing if there was any kind of bookmark or other sign of where Kyp had left off when he had been reading, but there was nothing. There weren’t even page numbers. This kid lived dangerously, not knowing where he left off each time he opened it. The journal covered perhaps a year or two of time, it wasn’t written every day, but something about it seemed very familiar. How could a book from a dimension she’d never been to seem familiar? She looked at a few pages, completely at random. Today we encountered a creature we have called Shadow Stalkers, which appear to be unique to this area, or at least I have never heard of them back home. They are elusive creatures that thrive in darkness. Through meticulous observation and training, we discovered their weakness is light. We were able to devise a plan to lure them into the light by tricking them into thinking it was nighttime, and they were vanquished. It is a great victory in our fight against the monstrosities plaguing Shadow, a significant step forward in our secret war. Another entry closer to the beginning read: Our yet-unnamed group of fighters has come a long way in such a short time, they are thriving under my guidance and I could not be more proud. The training sessions are grueling, yet their determination to protect their families is unwavering. They’ve started to understand the nuanced skill of tracking certain beasts, the subtlety of recognizing distinct markings, and using that information to identify information. This is progress. And with it, unity grows amongst our humble horde of hardened humans. Samantha’s heart began to race, she could hear the beat of it in her ears, and her breath caught as she realized why this journal was familiar. This was a Devlin journal. She had read plenty of them in her life, kept in the archive of her ancestors, each one detailing the life and experiences of a Devlin ancestor, providing valuable information about different monsters and how they were destroyed. But how could it be? This book was centuries old. When had this Devlin been here? Why? How had he gotten here? Why did she not know about this? To confirm her suspicions she went to the front of the book, if it were truly like the others she knew where she could find out for sure. The first page would be blank, it always was. She didn’t know where the tradition had started, but that was the custom. Her throat felt closed as she tried to swallow, faced with an empty first page. The second page would have the writer’s name and any other personal information they wanted to include about themselves. More recent journals had years on it, but that hadn’t always been commonly practiced. With a steeling breath, she turned to the next page - written there was a name. Ralph William Devlin.

[adapembroke]

Mercury in Aries: A Writing Practice Without Routine

Ever since I started writing, I’ve wanted to be a writer with a daily writing routine. I’ve fantasized about sitting outside at the patio table in the morning with a well-loved journal and a fountain pen, blissfully staring off into space while I search for the perfect word, filled with the sweet satisfaction of knowing that I’ve shown up for the work every day since I can remember.

I’ve nursed the fantasy of a consistent writing routine for almost two decades, and I haven’t managed to make it reality for more than a few days at a time. It’s not that I haven’t tried. While searching for the perfect daily writing routine, I’ve given myself word count goals. I’ve set the intention to write morning pages first thing in the morning. I’ve read Natalie Goldberg religiously. I’ve picked up a book on writers’ daily habits and tried the most likely habits on for size.

Even when I was in graduate school and had to turn in ten pages a week, my writing practice was irregular. I knew I was running a marathon, not a sprint, so I was determined to write two pages a day. Instead, there were days when I wrote nothing and days when I wrote ten pages in a sitting. When I got up in the morning, I had no idea what kind of day it was going to be.

I always start a new writing practice with high hopes. I try to make it as pleasant as possible, bribing myself with a huge mug of my favorite tea and the most pleasant writing environment I can conjure. Even with all this kindness, I quickly watch my energy dwindle. By the time I finally quit, the only thing that has happened daily is a steady decline in productivity. 

Most of the time, I accept that having a daily writing routine just isn’t the way I work best. I have learned that I am capable of keeping a regular publishing rhythm most of the time, as long as the beats in the rhythm are counted in weeks, not days. Like the seasons of the year, my writing rhythm has periods of intense productivity and fallow, winter periods where I need to step away from my pen and live life without thinking about recording it all the time. I prefer to be productive, but I have learned that I need fallow periods. I come back refreshed and a better writer.

I was coming out of a fallow writing period during the New Moon in Aries.

As the daffodils and tulips put out new buds, I was full of schemes. The first day of Aries season is the New Year for astrologers, and a New Moon on the same day as the New Year felt like an excellent time to start something new. Since my Mercury in Aries is in the house of publishing, I decided it would be a good time to commit to a writing practice and start publishing articles again.

In retrospect, setting the intention to break my silence was a good idea. Trying to impose daily discipline and a strict structure was, as always, less successful than I wanted it to be.

As I created the plan for my new writing practice, I felt a bleak void growing in my chest. Deep down, I knew this was a sign that I wasn't fully onboard with the plan, but I pushed ahead, telling myself that the feeling was just baggage.

"The past is past," I told myself, contradicting Faulkner. "This time can be different."

Then the New Moon actually arrived, and one of the members of the Narrative Astrology Lab asked if I could teach about decans. I didn't know enough about decans to teach them, but I asked the community if there would be interest in starting a study group and researching the topic together.

The response was immediate and enthusiastic. Unbeknownst to me, several members of the Lab already used the decans in their practices, and they were delighted for the chance to share their knowledge. Others had tried to study the decans and failed to find the information they needed, and they were just as happy to have some help.

In a few hours we went from doing nothing with decans to starting a whole new study group. I was excited. I ended the day feeling like I was doing good work, exactly the work I should be doing. None of that work included writing.

Mercury in Aries is the Big Bang: First there is nothing. Then a universe appears.

Aries is great at starting things, but it’s a sprinter, not a marathon runner. Without help, it quickly runs out of energy and isn’t able to continue.

Aries needs Taurus to pick up where it left off if it’s going to have any staying power. Taurus is famously suspicious of change, and new beginnings naturally involve change, so it takes a lot to convince Taurus to give Aries-initiated ideas the lasting energy they need. More often than not, Taurus decides Aries’ ideas are harebrained schemes, meaning things that begin under the influence of Aries have the lifespan of a lit match.

There are times when Taurus' suspicion of Aries' projects is well-placed. Aries energy can be like being possessed by the full cast of Jackass. After the initial energy is spent, you wake up sheepish, wondering where your pants are and why you thought spraying pepper spray in your eyes was a good idea.

Even in the best of times, Aries energy has the tendency to forget what it’s good for. Just because it has the energy and motivation to lift a car now doesn’t mean that it will have the strength to do it 5,000 more times, but Aries forgets this in the heat of the moment. This makes it terrible at determining if a long-term project is realistic.

For its part, Taurus has the tendency to underestimate what’s possible. When an otherwise good idea fizzles because of a lack of energy or resources, Taurus' refusal to get onboard feels like negotiating with an 85 year old man who's spent the last 20 years eating pretzels and watching the Food Network. You wonder if Taurus’s lack of enthusiasm comes from wisdom or laziness. 

There are many reasons, but they all lead to the same place: Aries starts many more things than it is able to finish.

It isn’t easy to finish writing projects with Mercury in Aries.

You would think a person with a Taurus sun and three Aries placements would be an expert at getting Aries and Taurus to work together. What I've learned, however, is that often I have absolutely no idea whether an Aries scheme is genius or unrealistic until I’ve fully committed to the idea. It isn’t enough to scheme. Until I actually get started—metaphorically, dropping a lit match—I have no idea if I’m standing in a puddle of water or an oil lake in Kuwait.

When working with Aries energy, it can take a thousand tries before I stumble on an idea that has enough staying-power to succeed. A new project might not have found the right timing, or it might be unrealistically large. Betting on an Aries-inspired project means risking ending up with egg on my face when something I’ve attempted doesn't work out.

I have learned over the years that the best way to get things accomplished when working with Aries is to keep throwing ideas at the wall in a controlled environment. I work best in places where it is acceptable to move fast and break things and good ideas are able to grow and thrive with the support of a community and the careful cultivation of Taurus.

It was exactly this type of community that I had in mind when I created the Narrative Astrology Lab. Labs are for experiments, and experiments never really fail. Even when they don't turn out the way you want them to, you've still learned something about the way the world works.

And, anyway, if you aren't blowing things up in a lab, are you really taking enough risks?

Mercury in Aries is sprout energy.

On the day of the New Moon, I went to a decans discussion group hosted by the 3 of Wands Discord Server. We talked about the Aries symbol being like a young sprout with two leaves. It got me thinking about how so many things have to come together to get a new sprout to appear in the world. The temperature has to be right. The seed has to be in hospitable soil. There has to be enough water, and the seed has to survive predators.

Even when all the necessary factors are present, a sprout is really delicate. A strong gust of wind or a hot day are the only things standing between it and destruction. Sprouts are so fragile that gardeners typically plant way more seeds than they need, so they can choose the strongest sprouts to cultivate.

Aries is the sign of the Warrior. It has a reputation for being hard as nails. In reality, Aries is just as fragile as a tiny sprout. It is all beginnings, no middles or endings. The only thing keeping it from disappearing entirely is the ram-headed determination—stupidity or courage?—to throw itself into obstacles again and again.

With Mercury in Aries, I should be prepared to have unpredictable energy.

I should be prepared to start many more things than I finish and have new writing projects suddenly spring to life or vanish.

A Mercury in Aries way of being in the world requires constant new beginnings, which means that a sustained and methodical process isn’t going to give me the best ideas. Aries-style new beginnings are mysterious. Inspiration comes from nowhere. I can set an intention and hope that it comes to something someday, but I can’t create a disciplined plan in advance the way a person can when starting a mountain climbing trip with Capricorn. I have no idea when I’m starting a writing project if I will have Taurus’ blessing to sustain me on a long journey or if the thing I’ve started will ultimately be an article, book, course, or Instagram carousel.

The Aries New Moon was less than a week ago, and I’ve already given up on the idea of a new daily practice, but my intention to write was not for nothing. This article started to germinate at the Aries New Moon. All I needed to do was wait until the moon slipped into Taurus and sent my Mercury in Aries an extra pack of batteries. 

[autumnalwalker]

Find the Word Tag

Thank you for the tag, @writernopal.

My words were threshold, passion, empire, & serve.

Passing the tag to @talesofsorrowandofruin, @oh-no-another-idea, @ceph-the-ghost-writer, @monstrousfreedom, and, as always, an open tag for anyone else who may wish to join in.

Your words shall be spiral, selfish, wicked, & well

Threshold: Empty Names - 6 - Background Checks

He stops in the middle of the hallway in front of a blank spot on the wall between a four-armed suit of armor and a marble statue of a long-bearded wizard.  He reaches out and knocks a rhythm on the wall.  Once upon a time the passcode would change twice a year, but the teasing inside joke Carnette left it on last still causes the wall to slide open.  On the other side is a gilded spiral staircase descending down a long stone tube.  A good meter of empty space separates the edge of the stairs from the outer wall.  Room enough for the adventurous to slide the whole way down the banister or for the exceptionally durable to jump.

Sullivan puts a foot forward but hesitates on the threshold as memories rise unbidden.  Carnette showing off the false windows to other worlds spaced along the shaft to give the impression of descending from the heavens to deep beneath the sea during his first visit.  The ornate door at the bottom.  Being pushed over the edge of the banister.

Passion: The Archivist's Journal, Day 147

I told him that I think I made that story up.  Not in this life, but my old one.  I told myself I was “remembering more details” as I was preparing, when in fact I was newly adding them for the first time.  And really, I knew it even then, I just didn’t want to admit it.  Admit that I liked it because it was mine and not because it was good.  I don’t remember much of what I was before, but I know one thing I was not was a writer.  I never even wrote that story down before coming here.  It was just a fancy taking up space in my head.  A narrative extemporaneously woven and applied to a concert whose music I recall practically nothing of.  Never even mentioned to close friends (I think I had those).  Trying to tell it here was nothing more than an act of hubris.  Selfishness.  I wish to think of myself as creative, but I’m not capable of creating something good or worthwhile and that’s reflective of my own value.  And speaking the story aloud in a moment of self-delusion was flaunting the proof of that to the world.

And yes, I realize that is all nonsense.  No one is ever simply good at anything, especially creative arts.  Even discounting the fact that I’m probably (almost definitely) being harder on myself than is necessary or accurate, things take practice and work to make good.  And just because it felt like you put a whole lot of work and effort and passion into something, that doesn’t mean it was enough.  Or it was an adequate amount, but you’re still new so any early work is going to be rough.  That the apparent failure is something to learn from and grow moving forward.

But, you see, that’s the worst part.  The self-awareness.  The fact that I can recognize all those things and still not be able to recover and drag myself out of the emotional hole.  That I let it drive me to not want to even speak of it again.  That is the real proof of my weakness.  My laziness.  My cowardice.  My unworthiness.

Empire Kingdom: Empty Names side story - Once Upon A Time...

On those first few adventures the Rogue was quickly impressed by the Princess, who was even better at sneaking, running, and climbing than they were.  Almost as good at blending in too, even if he did always choose to be a boy every time.  And if the Princess was maybe a little bit more wicked than they were in the pranks he thought up to play on mean rich folks and thieves (the Rogue was not a Thief), at least it was people who deserved it and they were there to talk him back if it looked like the prank was going to go too far.

Yes, they had many fine times, the two youngsters with the run of the kingdom’s nighttime capital.  And if from time to time their adventures ran into complications that kept the Princess until morning, well, the Rogue may have been the better actor but the Princess was the better liar by far and kept the royal tutors and minders from suspecting aught was amiss.

Serve: The Archivist's Journal, Day 150

After a brief pause, Lin made a (forced?) chuckle and added that wouldn’t change the other of the two big reasons for not wanting to find a man to marry and have kids with.

I felt a twinge of a grin on one side of my mouth and said that I’m sure Maiko is thankful for that second reason.  Lin gave me a look.  I defended myself by stating that I possessed working eyes and ears.

From there we shifted to lighter topics.  Mostly dinner.  There are actually a handful of establishments in the Village that are something like restaurants.  No menus though, just whatever the cook is making that day.  Being mostly paid in food, I rarely patronize them, but this evening they served our purposes well enough.

[emmyelenakatzen]

#001

Forward (November 21, 2022)

Hello there. Thanks for stopping by to read my debut blog post! I want to mention here, upfront, that my intentions for this blog are: to write about things I care about talking about, and share my take on information I find. Think of this as an in-the-know, underground journal, like the New York Times but ran by E E Katzen. As a fiction writer I spend most of my free time in my fiction realm, which is great for people who like to read stories. With this blog, though, I want to write useful things to bring into your daily life when you’re being mindless on your phone ;). Please follow, like, share to support me <3.

Beginning the *aesthetic* *annotating* journey

an•no•tate (verb)

add notes to (a text or diagram) giving explanation or comment.

I want to open you up to a world of deep imagination and aesthetic: annotating books. (If you’re new to the concept of annotating, check out the Oxford definition above <3.) Annotating the books I read was something I avoided for a while, never taking the ‘scary’ leap into writing in them. At first I was flagging quotes I wanted to remember with a post-it, then I would pencil in a small note on the flag. This worked for me because I could keep track of my thoughts, but I could also decide to take them out. I did this with both books I borrowed and the ones I owned. When curiosity finally got ahold of me, I looked online to find people who were showing how satisfying and fun it can be to annotate. I came across photos of books that are highlighted and underlined with notes in the margins. It was all beautiful to me, because somewhere behind each photo was a human that sat and indulged in that text. So this is where I started to change my mind. At first I saw it as damaging to a book, and started to see it as an enhancement. So the dream was born! I started experimenting with my favorite books - deciding that as long as I own it I can do whatever I want.

I can tell you the very moment I knew the time was right to begin. As I was reading The Eyes of Darkness (Dean Koontz), I came across a scene that made me pull out one of my flags. I wrote: this chapter= woah. That chapter ended up being my favorite chapter of the book, and it is the first scene that I felt confident to tackle with annotating. I connected with this scene and it hit me as magical, so it was the best time to begin. I pulled out some washi tape, a pencil and a ruler, and got to playing around. I underlined my favorite lines and made notes on colored paper that I taped to the page. It’s themed and quite cute, for being the first try and with limited resources :). And it had a profound effect on my experience in the story. I can remember so well what happened in this scene, after going in and interacting with the words. I love the scene a lot more now, and I am closer to the story. I have appreciated and worshipped the text, sat with it and found a deep understanding of it. I can also go over it again anytime I want, layering my thoughts onto the page over time.

A note- for nonfiction. Many nonfiction books come to my mind that I could analyze and study deeper by annotating them. To name a few: The Artful Edit by Susan Bell, The Right to Write by Julia Cameron, Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury. For me this technique should thrive in nonfiction. There is always something to learn and understand that I can’t digest in the first read through of these books. I want to approach this when I have a bit more practice.

I learned that annotating isn’t only about making it look pretty and colorful, it’s about bringing the book closer to me. It’s about diving in and getting my hands involved in the text, and filtering the text through my own words. My own thoughts. Penciling notes in the margin and underlining good quotes. (Once I find a set of pens and highlighters that won’t bleed through the pages I will be eager to incorporate them.) Looking now outside of my office window, it’s so cold and the wind is rough. There is also calamity in the world that is affecting us all, no matter who or where we are. I can think of no better advice for us all than to indulge in a fictional world, and step back from life as we know it. Because who needs to think about real life all the time, right? Books are excellent therapy, and I can’t wait to read more and connect with more scenes that I can annotate. Now, I have all the motivation I need to cut down on my TBR <3! I wish you all the best for reading this blog, and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

You can expect the next blog post on Sunday (11-27) <3

Follow me as I practice consistent essay writing for you!

[ghostoftheyear]

This has been on my mind as my other big fandom post has been going around.

A long time ago in a fandom I am no longer part of (for a variety of reasons we won't talk about here), I was told that I was a snob. I remember very clearly that I was sitting in my car with a person I knew from said fandom, outside an arena where we were about to attend a concert; the doors hadn't opened yet and we were both from out of town, so we had time to kill.

At the time, Livejournal was the main spot where fandom communities gathered. I used my LJ to post both personal stuff and fandom things, with custom filters so that my private stuff stayed private. Many people followed each other and did similar things, so that one would have a robust reading page (similar to a dash or timeline, but there was no reblog/retweet kinda feature) while also posting to community pages with community-specific posts: i.e. if it was a knitting community, you'd post your latest knitting projects. I liked it because I am a shy and private person who doesn't do a lot of outward engagement, so it was easy to connect with other fans.

Right around that particular moment, an anonymous hate LJ had also risen in popularity. Someone would start a post, leaving the comments open for anyone to respond, whether or not they had an account, and you could reply without logging in. It was hugely popular. And incredibly cruel. I cannot overemphasize the astonishing meanness of the posts. You'd get sort of a prompt post with the name of someone active in a certain fandom, and people would fucking tear them apart.

You may guess, from the way I'm describing it, that I really didn't like the practice. I went through the trenches of people attacking others online on web forums, and I didn't want any part of it.

(As an aside, I want to clearly state that people in a fandom never have to be the bestest of friends at all times. That's an impossible ask, and as well it's frankly unrealistic. You're never going to get along with every single other person who occupies a social space with you. But you don't have to be nasty, either. When I realized that people can just exist without having to particularly like each other, it changed my worldview.)

So there's this anon meme. And the person who was sitting in the passenger seat of my car told me how she'd seen my name on there and how I was perceived in fandom as being an arrogant snob who thought she was too good to interact with everyone else.

I had turned anon replies off in my journal after getting a few comments that creeped me out. I knew there were people who enjoyed interacting with anons, but I was never one of them. I didn't always comment on others' fandom posts, or on their fic. I kept to myself a lot, but I had a few really good friends within the fandom, people I did feel comfortable interacting with. I didn't make public posts about my private life. I guess not talking is the equivalent of being snobby and rude just as much online as it is in real life. (It didn't help that I wrote a lot of fic and was pretty well-known in the fandom.)

Why am I saying all this? I guess because even then, it felt like people wanted to make some kind of weird separation between those who make fanworks and those who don't.

This came up in tags and such on the other post, and it still baffles me. It was never quite as bad back then, but in recent years, when fandom got hacked and stolen by corporations, it's way worse. It almost feels now like there are three tiers in fan content:

The actual creators of the media. The writers, the artists who draw the comics and do the animation. The directors. The songwriters and performers. The actors. The video game creators. Those who legitimately get paid money to make the things we read and watch and listen to.

The fan creatives. Those who write the fanfic, who draw the fanart, who make the fanvids and meta-analyses. Those who create the challenges and big bangs even the zines. Yes, and those who make the gifsets and edits.

Everyone else in the fandom who doesn't contribute to fanworks, but takes in the media as well as the fanworks.

And I'm here to tell you that, no matter what corporations or fandom.com or Those On High try to tell you, that is not the case. There are two tiers.

Those who make the media. (#1 above)

Everyone who loves the media. This includes both those who make fanworks and those who do not.

That's right! We're all swimming in the same pool! All of us. And yes, in some cases those who make the media are not separate from the fans who enjoy it, but there is a distinction. And yes of course there are media creators who are also fans of other things (certain writers I follow on here who love other TV shows and so forth) but when they're loving the same stuff we are, we're still all in the same pool.

My point is that, as a fanwork creator, I am no better than, say, my BFF in the whole world, who generally is an enjoyer without feeling the need to add on in some way. I am definitely not better than you for making stuff, nor are you better than me for not. We're all fans, enjoying the same stuff in our own ways. I might feel inspired to write a few words; you might enjoy making headcanons while daydreaming. (And as someone who both draws and writes, one type of creator is not better than another).

So please, remember that fanwork creators are not """"above"""" any other fan. Which is just one of the many reasons why no one should feel weird about commenting on fics or reblogging art. We are truly all in it together.

(You may notice I did not use the terms "content creator" or "consumer" in this. You can be assured there is a very strong reason for that.)

K I'm going back to FFVII Rebirth now. I need to go find a missing chocobo.

[horizon-forbidden-sheesh]

Writing Process: Preamble

*Ahem* SO! I was recently honored with a question about my organization process for writing. And, boy howdy, am I just tickled pink to tell you! I've never felt so seen!! Let's do this thing.

Let me start by sharing that IRL, I'm a copywriter/project manager for print & digital design work. So when I started writing my first-ever fic, I organized it much in the same way I would a website build.

But tbh, when I started The Marshal, I didn't really know I was writing a fic. In fact, I was only working through my typical video game process. In that I'm extremely anal note-taker, and it's just the way I live my regular-degular life. All my books are annotated to the Nth, I’ve been keeping a (rather inconsistent) diary since I was 17, and I’m a religious bullet journal-er with very specific journal preferences (grid paper, always).

My practice of video game note-taking goes all the way back to drawing maps of Luigi's Mansion as a kid to try and optimize my speed runs, and progresses into tracking daily decisions for BG3. I’ve also got entire pages in my bullet journal dedicated to developing backstories for all my Cult of the Lamb cult members, and my Notes app has several installments of history & lore from various Civ V games. It’s simply how I prefer to play.

(Side note: No, I am not technically diagnosed with anything. Yes, I have found myself in repetitive, furious spirals, tearing out pages of my notebook over-and-over when the map I HAD to draw in pen was not 'perfect.' 💁🏻Is this OCD?🦋 Who knows. Who cares.)

Game Timelines have always fascinated me, pretty much since Ocarina of Time. I want to know how exactly long something took, what order it happened in, and whether it's technically 'feasible' within the parameters of the game. Peep my post about 'realistic' gameplay for more deets.

Mostly, I was trying to track where I 'camped' each night, because it was SUPER IMPORTANT that the events of the game took place within the ~3 month timeline GAIA sets before the environment collapses (super casual). So, the notes from my first play-through looked like this.

And then I met Kotallo.

And I started drafting journal entries from Aloy's POV to explore the internal monologue behind all those ✨faces✨ she was making.

(These ones. Infinite credit to @Diviner-Alva for doing the LORDT'S WORK.)

They looked like this:

If you've read 'The Marshal,' you'll notice some similarities.

After a few weeks of gameplay, I was pushing 20k words in 'journal entries,' and it just... wasn't cutting it. That was around the time I knew I had an bona fide obsession on my hands.

Writing exclusively in Aloy's POV left out SO MUCH OF THE STORY that was developing in my li'l head alongside my gameplay. I was imagining a whole burgeoning, slowburn romance as I picked my way across the Forbidden West. It mirrored the side quests (That Talanah convo??) and overall themes of HFW perfectly. (Also, um, the consistent controller rumble during the Scorcher cut scene?? Like, WTF? You're telling me Geurrilla didn't know EXACTLY what they were doing? Pfft.)

I can't tell you when exactly I finally took to the internet to feed my hyperfixation, but let me tell you that it was my first time discovering Ao3, and I spent the summer of 2022 devouring every fic in the Aloy/Kotallo tag. I felt like I had finally found my people. It even worked for a while! But the story playing in my head didn't exactly match any of the stories 1:1, and I realized after a while that no one else could write MY headcanon.

Still, there's a TON of overlap in a few of them: Medicine by HIMLuv is by far the closest, and my personal fave. I love basically everything Garbage_Dono has written. Obviously, I've developed a massive crush on Pikapeppa. (How does she do it so FAST? *awe, amazement, un poco envy*) There are some truly incredible writers out there, and I'm genuinely grateful to every one of them for creating a foundation that gave me the permission I needed to finally fucking WRITE. I denied myself fanfic for probably 20 years, imagining all the ways I would be ruthlessly mocked if anyone ever found out. I've had a-lot-a-lot of shame blocks to work through as I've been writing over the past year, and this story about opening up and trusting others feels deeply personal in a way I can't quite put into words.

That's how I made the decision to begin adapting the journal entries into a more organized fic. So, I started my second play-though and created this account around that time. It would be probably be another ~6 months before I got drunk enough to just press 'publish' on the first chapter in April of this year, over a year after the game came out.

Every other reference tool I've made, I created along the way. I intended to post more of them here on tumblr, but hey. Life Happens.™ And even tho it feels like the fandom had moved on post-DLC, there's still pleeeeenty of time. 😘

Anyway, I'm gonna clip this here, and get more into the weeds on organizational tools in another post. But it felt like I needed to talk about this first, because when I started really writing in the Fall of 2022, I already had a lotta documents under my belt that I needed to wrangle.

If you got to this point, thanks for reading this entirely self-indulgent post.

xo, Sheesh. 🖤

[veryfancydoilies]

hello there, it’s santa again!

ahh you’re a history major, very cool! i went to school for nursing and two years ago i decided to go back to get my masters in advanced practice nursing. such a rewarding career, i have loved every minute of it. it’s funny really, i thought i’d end up being an in journalism, art or film but i’ve realised that i can still do all those things on the side on top of being a nurse. so, every now and then i do make short films or write fiction stories about whatever comes to mind.

i have always loved Olivia Hussey in “Romeo and Juliet” (1968) ever since we were show it in my high school English class! her and Leonard Whiting fit their roles so well, and two very attractive individuals. that version of the Shakespeare classic is by far my favourite. hm..favourite holiday classic. well, i don’t know if you’d consider this a classic film but i do like rewatching “The Sound Of Music” with Julie Andrews. for me it’s the perfect feel-good holiday classic. i know some people find musicals a bit too cheesy but i don’t, i think they’re wonderful. do you like musicals? i think my favourite musical besides Sound of Music is Oliver! (1968)

oh yes, Ray is so charming and veryy handsome just like his brother Dave whom i’ve been a bit smitten by lately lol speaking of musicals, i also love that Ray go into musicals himself at the peak of his career. i think The Kinks’ “Soap Opera” album does well in showcasing Ray’s talent for acting/singing in musicals. he’s always been such a well rounded artist, i adore that very much about him.

well i hope your holiday decorating is going well. i’m taking my time with mine, though there isn’t much time now is there, since christmas is creeping up fast.

great talk! hope to hear from you soon. take care :)

Hi there! It’s wonderful to study something you genuinely like, isn’t it? I’ve loved history for as long I can remember and I’m really good at it. Learning history is like being told stories. It’s not all happiness and rainbows though. We talk about really sad and disturbing topics too. I just finished a class about the Holocaust. Does nursing ever make you sad, I wonder? I actually used to be a film major in community college but I was far more interested in the history of films and their analysis. So I decided to major in history instead and specialize in film history. You make short films?! That’s really cool. So are they homemade or professional with hired actors? I knew a girl in community college who was like a casting director. She was looking for actors to act in a film. And you write fiction? What do you write about if you don’t mind me asking? I used to write stories when I was little and even drew pictures to accompany the stories. I wanted to be a writer. Maybe I still can be.

Yes Olivia Hussey is very beautiful and the perfect Juliet. Apparently her daughter acts too and is the splitting image of her mother. I love musicals! I even have a playlist on Spotify dedicated to them. I’ve never The Sound of Music actually but I love the two songs Do-Re-Mi and My Favorite Things. Is My Favorite Things meant to be a Christmas song? Anyways I love listening to it during Christmastime. Have you watched musicals performed live? I have seen a few myself like A Gentlemen’s Guide to Love and Murder and Something Rotten. Are there any musicals you grew up watching? The Prince of Egypt was one for me. That film is criminally underrated. It’s absolutely stunning and the songs are amazing. And of course I saw many Disney movies too? My favorite is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. That opening sounds so cool and epic, I love it. I miss how dark Disney movies used to be. I feel like they’ve been playing really safe in recent years. Easier money and less disgruntled parents, I guess. As for my favorite holiday classic, I love the Muppets Christmas Carol. I watched it with my brother recently.

Did you know that Ray and Dave didn’t always get along? I’ve even heard that Ray straight up hated Dave. I don’t know all of the details and some may be exaggerated but it seems they patched things up. I saw recent picture of them together. I’ve even heard that one of them or both are working on something new. Have you listened to their song Father Christmas? It’s so good. It’s exactly what you’d expect from a Christmas song made by the Kinks.

Can you tell what other bands from the 60s you like? Another band I really like are the Turtles. I listened to an album of theirs one night and was instantly hooked. I don’t think I realized they were the band who made the hit song Happy Together before listening. My favorite albums of theirs are Wooden Head (great for summer) and Happy Together. Also, do you know of Herman’s Hermits? Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Daughter is such a sweet song.

Anyways, have a nice day! Until next time.

[gomistore]

4 ways to embrace uncertainty

Have you ever felt like you weren't good enough? That everyone but you has got the manual for life anyway? Are you waiting for the moment to finally arrive and feel like you've made it? Yes, I have been too. While I was young, I was sure that at 35 I would definitely come into my full self – finally becoming who I really am and the person I am meant to be. When I turned 35, I was shocked when I realized that I had not reached this age as I thought. I didn't understand it all. far away How did I get to this point in my life and how did I feel like I had to do so much to get to where I want to be in my career? With so many unknowns? I felt angry. - Angry at myself for being uncertain about my future - Angry at everyone who claims to have it all figured out - Angry that I didn't realize it by now I scolded. I cried. I tried to keep busy so I could avoid many hurtful thoughts.

Take a closer look to find the answer

After days of doubt and self-loathing, I decided to start writing in my journal again to try to understand what was going on. Why was I so angry with myself? Feeling so inadequate? In that reflection, I realized that my insecurities stemmed from my recent decision to leave my corporate marketing career to become a writer. I felt like I was starting from scratch. There were so many uncertainties and I had so much to learn. Do I really need to do this now? Read this article - Finding my way out of depression But I knew that if there was one thing I regretted not doing in my life, it was to become a writer. That's how I decided I had to start somewhere - even from scratch - to build the life and career I wanted, and that meant dealing with uncertainty head-on. We all want to control our environment. Once we let go of control, we can understand that change is a constant part of life. Here are four ways I've learned to embrace uncertainty. These tips can come in handy whenever you're starting something new or venturing into the unknown.

Reframe the imperfection Perfection is a shield we use to hide from our true gifts. The most ironic thing I've discovered is that the things I thought were my greatest imperfections were actually my greatest gifts. This was so freeing. Read this article - How does a long-distance relationship work? So first and foremost, we need to redefine what we mean by imperfection. By embracing our imperfections not as mistakes, but as an expression of our unique gifts, we can see our strengths more clearly. Avoid seeking approval from others We all want love and acceptance. However, to truly live the life we want we must tell the truth about who we are, not wait for the praise or approval of others first. This is difficult to do and takes practice. One thing I've learned to do is to keep a self-appreciation journal where every day I acknowledge and record the things I'm most proud of, the good choices I've made, and the successes I've had. These types of habits strengthen our confidence in ourselves, so we don't always need to look to others for the answer. Rethink the risks When we start something new, we have many uncertainties. I found it helpful to reframe these moments of uncertainty and the outcomes of these new actions as learning opportunities. By taking small risks, we step out of our comfort zone and into the learning zone. We can reframe outcomes that didn't go as planned not as mistakes, but as good ways to get feedback and learn something new. Know that you are enough now I felt stuck with a list of all the things I needed to learn, master, and do before I felt ready to start the career I really wanted. I wanted to stop waiting. We need to let go of the stories we tell ourselves about where we want to be. We are all becoming ourselves, again and again, every day. There is no arrival point. I like to say this short affirmation when I'm stuck: "I am enough."

Build the life you want

The only constant in life change. To fully embrace uncertainty, we must replace fear of the unknown with curiosity. With a curious mindset, we can see new paths that point in the direction of our dreams. Are you ready to embrace uncertainty and build the life you want? The world is waiting for us to tell our stories and live our dreams. Let's begin. Read the full article

[twirlyeyebrows]

Crimson Cursive (Zoro X Sanji)

♡ Tags: Slowburn, Fluff, Angst, Dairy/Journal, Pining, Happy Ending

♡ Content Warnings: N/A

♡ Word/Chapter Count: 18k words, 19/19 chapters

♡ Summary: Sanji keeps a journal to write in when he feels overwhelmed. His unwanted crush on a certain swordsman happens to be one of these overwhelming things. He swears to never let anyone find the book, but what if the very person he’s writing about does?

♡ a/n: i wrote this fic a while ago (originally published feb. 4th) so if some of the writing is a little off, i apologize. i hope you enjoy anyways :)

♡ ao3 link!

♡ Prologue ♡

Sanji always had a habit of writing down his emotions. It was something he learned to do in necessary times when he couldn't talk to anyone. Sadly enough, this had created a bad habit of keeping all of his emotions within his heart. Although it was difficult for him to bring his deepest emotions out through words, he discovered writing to be very beneficial. He always had a small secret journal in his room at Baratie he'd use as an outlet. He continued this practice even now, sailing on a ship through multiple oceans. This was a hobby he'd never tell anyone he partook in. He could only imagine the laughter from the rest of his crew if they read his writing. Cooking came more naturally to him anyways, he was a great chef and could boast about it if given the opportunity but he was far from being anywhere close to a writer. So naturally, he vowed to never let a single soul look at his thoughts out on paper. Especially recently.

♡ Chapter One ♡

Sanji groaned as left the comfort of his bed, knowing he needed to get up before everyone else to make sure breakfast was done by the time everyone started complaining. He didn't bother changing into his presentable clothes, no one was awake to see him in his pajamas. He figured he'd change after everything was prepared but before he started plating each dish. With this thought, he yawned and forced himself out of his room and into the kitchen.

Immediately when walking into the kitchen he felt himself get in a good mood. This really was his “happy place” as much as he thought it was slightly childish to admit. He always started by washing his hands, of course. Followed by tying his classic baby pink apron around himself. Yes, he was in his pajamas but he still didn't want them getting messy. He began to take various ingredients out; eggs, sausage, toast, fruit, and many other things he needed for today's spread. They had just gotten back from a particularly rough island and this was their first day back on the water in a while. Sanji sighed. Couldn't they just once stop at an island where no one was trying to kill them? He chuckled at the thought, knowing it's far from a possibility as he began prepping a pan to cook the sausage in. He wanted today’s breakfast to be one the crew would be extra lively to receive. He knew that anything he put out on the table was bound to be appreciated after the hellfire that was their last adventure, but he decided to go above and beyond.

The hour went by quickly as everything began to come together. All he had to do was put powder sugar on the french toast, assemble the parfaits, whip up a quick fruit juice, and make everything look as neat as possible on the dining table. He walked to the cupboard where the sugars were held, stopping dead in his tracks when he heard footsteps that weren't his own in the room. He immediately turned around in shock. No one's usually ever up this early except for him. The shock amplified when he realized he was making direct eye contact with Zoro of all people.

“Morning.” The swordsman said, looking exhausted. Sanji felt his heartbeat get faster in an instant. He'd never admit it but recently he's been having some unwelcomed (*cough* romantic *cough*) thoughts about the man standing in front of him. He tried not to make that painfully obvious, although he didn't think he'd have trouble with that considering Zoro looked as if he was still half asleep. “Morning, moss brain.” Sanji replied, praying he didn't sound too excited to see him. “Why are you up so early?” He added. Zoro scratched his head and yawned “Night watch.” He said monotonously. Sanji’s eyes widened. “You took the night watch?! After you almost died not even a full day ago? Did you at least ask Chopper if you-” Sanji almost went on but he realized he was getting ahead of himself. He didn't want to make it seem like he cared about the swordsman as much as he truly did. “You know what, never mind. I guess what's done is done.” He said, trying to sound carefree. “Just don't push yourself, we don't need you in bandages anymore than you have to be. I'll be on watch tonight.” He expected Zoro to refuse the offer but instead, he just nodded and said “Thanks.”. “Jesus, he is out of it.” Sanji thought to himself. The swordsman seemed to snap out of his daze a little bit as he opened his mouth to speak. “Anyways, I came in here because it smelled like cooking and I'm starving. I didn't have any intentions of trying to piss you off if that's what you expected.” He paused and actually saw what Sanji had been doing all morning. “Goddamn, you really are making a whole banquet.” He said, taking in the sheer amount of food the cook was able to make in the short amount of time. “Yeah, well, I thought everyone needed it after everything. I still have a couple more things to finish but you can take some if you want.” Sanji said with a glowing smile. Zoro chuckled tiredly “Nah it's okay, I wouldn't wanna ruin your perfect display. I'll just wait.” He mumbled, slightly sarcastically. And with that, Zoro propped his swords up and sat down next to them, falling asleep as soon as his head hit the wall behind him.

Sanji blushed furiously as he turned back to the cupboard, placing his hands on the edge of the counter and gripping until his knuckles were white. He was in way over his head. He didn't even really know how it had happened, he just knew what was happening...which was him falling for the man he constantly picked fights with. He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. “Get it together,” He whispered, “Save it for the journal.” He snapped at himself, determined to finish the last few breakfast necessities.

As he completed putting a strawberry on top of the last parfait, he finally realized that he was still in his pajamas. He thought he might scream at the top of his lungs. How much of an idiot did Zoro think he was now? He was probably holding back laughter that whole time. Sanji brought his hands to his face and rubbed up and down in frustration. “Too late to do anything about it now.” He quietly said to himself, trying to be reassuring. He decided that he would just set the table now and change once everything was in place, there wasn't any point in changing immediately now that he'd already been seen.

As he laid out large plates of various breakfast meats, bowls of fruits, and champagne glasses full of fruit juice, he couldn't help but take a few glances towards the wall where the swordsman was resting. Every time he did, he felt his stomach dip to the floor. What he would give to go over there and sit down next to him, putting his head on his shoulder-. He stopped mid-thought, once again attempting to shoo the thoughts away. This was proven to be unsuccessful as after setting down the final parfait, he couldn't take his eyes off the drowsy man slumped against the wall.

He couldn't help himself. He tried to pull his gaze away but everything in his body was telling him to keep looking, to keep taking in every detail he was too shy to see when the swordsman was awake. He began smiling to himself without even realizing it. He felt his heart ache as he stared at Zoro. Anyone else would just see a slightly annoying, worn-out, green-haired idiot sleeping against a wall instead of at least sitting in a chair, but Sanji could only see bliss. His heart broke knowing he'd never be able to sleep beside him like he wanted to so badly, that he'd never be able to trace over the battle scars on his skin, that he'd never be able to run his hands through the grassy patch that was his hair. He sighed and dropped his head down, staring at the ground. “This is absolutely ridiculous. I can't believe I actually feel this way over that dumbass.” He said in his mind. He brought his head back up and forced his gaze away from the other man, thanking whatever higher power there was that Zoro hadn't woken up as Sanji was blatantly gawking. He untied his apron and hung it back up on the hook, about to leave to get dressed. As he walked out the door of the kitchen, he stopped to take one more look at Zoro. He hoped with all his being he imagined it, but he could've sworn he saw the man’s eyes open ever so slightly, only to shut once more with a minuscule smile. Sanji quickly swung his head out from the door frame, making sure to be completely out of Zoro’s field of vision in case he did open his eyes. Sanji clutched his chest. He thought his stomach might fall through the floor if he wasn't careful. He sighed. “God, I am so fucked.”

♡ Chapter Two ♡

The cook hurried to his room, nearly slamming the door as he got in. He sat on his bed and shoved his hand under the pillow, grabbing the small black notebook and red pen that lived there. His mind was far from getting dressed as he quickly scribbled down any thoughts he had about the swordsman. He did throw in how proud he was of today’s breakfast and how he wished Zeff could've been there to see it. Other than that though, the two and a half pages he filled were drowned in red cursive writing all about Zoro. He looked at the pages, not knowing how to feel.

He did feel more relaxed as he always did after he got his feelings out into the book, but he also felt tense. He felt wrong for crushing on the moss brain, what he didn't know couldn't hurt him but it still felt like he was crossing some line he shouldn't have. He skimmed through the words on the paper, blushing when he relived the moment that had just transpired. He put one hand on his cheek and felt how hot his face was getting. He sighed at how painfully lovestruck he was, and how there was nothing he could do about it.

Suddenly he heard movement from elsewhere on the ship and assumed the others had finally gotten up. “Thank God.” He said out loud as he stood up from the bed. Serving a damn good breakfast was the perfect thing to distract him from his hopeless love life. He walked over to his closet and grabbed a teal button up and a pair of slacks. He put them on and threw a suit jacket over it, buttoning each button delicately while looking in the mirror. He patted his hair down and decided he was presentable enough to see the rest of the crew. As he shoved the notebook and pen back under his pillow, he hoped that Zoro had forgotten the sight of him in his pajamas. He took one last deep breath, coaching himself in his head on how not to act like a dumbass in front of Zoro, and swiftly walked out of his room and headed back to the kitchen.

♡ Chapter Three ♡

The feast was a perfect success. Everyone enjoyed themselves. They all drooled over the food Sanji had prepared that morning, flattering him with compliments about the different dishes over and over again. He acted humble and stated it only tasted so good because they hadn't had a proper meal in ages but his ego was secretly through the roof. Chopper drank so many fruit juices he looked like a rubber ball, but not compared to Luffy of course who had turned into quite literally a rubber ball from all the meat he stuffed himself with. Robin had eaten one of the yogurt parfaits savoringly and Sanji made sure to comment on how appreciative he was that she recognized fine cuisine. He also didn't let Nami go without attention, flirting with her every time she spoke. The number of times he claimed she was sweeter than anything on the table should've been illegal.

Usually, the flirting came from a place of blind puppy love and desire, he never thought through the compliments he showered them with, he just felt that he should. Those words were never lies though; he always meant what he said. Nami and Robin were truly gorgeous after all and he'd be an extremely lucky man if any of his pickup lines had ever landed. Things have felt different recently though, and he's pretty sure they've noticed. His flirting tactics have been a lot more calm and respectful. He's been saying fewer things about their physical appearances and more things about their personalities or characteristics. He can't even remember the last time his nose bled. Sanji felt like at this point he was flirting with the women because it's what he'd been doing his entire time on the ship, it felt like all eyes would be on him if he suddenly stopped. He noticed Nami and Robin catching glances between each other, talking with their eyes instead of their mouths. The thought of them talking about him and his abnormally reeled-in behavior crossed his mind, he just prayed they didn't ask about it. The real tough part about the mini banquet was none other than Zoro.

It wasn't like he had done anything to make the setting bad, it was simply him being there that made it difficult for Sanji to function. All the energy he had been putting into flattering the women of their crew for so long was now eating away at him, trying to get him to say the same sweet nothings to the swordsman. Sanji bit his tongue every time he looked his way to not let the desperate romantic side of him win. He didn't want to but he ended up taking note of every little thing Zoro had done throughout the repast. He watched as he disobeyed all basic table manners; putting his arms on the table, reaching for things instead of asking, even scarfing down the yogurt parfait with a fork- who eats yogurt with a fork? Despite this being a nightmare for the chef, he couldn't bring himself to be mad. He couldn't even bring himself to be annoyed. He wanted to tell him off and make him behave properly at the table but every time he tried his words caught in his throat. He also noticed that his eyes were brighter and his smile was genuine when he was around everyone. Usually, Zoro had a plastered “I'm smiling because it's the nice thing to do” smile on his face when he was around others, but with everyone gathered together and sharing good food and quality time, Sanji guessed he couldn't help but feel like he was spending time with family. His heart skipped a beat every time Zoro would glance his way. Anytime he asked for another juice (just to give to Chopper) Sanji would immediately tend to the request. At one point when he called the cook, asking if he could get more meat because Luffy took his, he wasted no time heating a pan to cook more. Zoro had looked caught off guard at each one of these times. He had never seen Sanji so willing to comply with what he was asking. He suspected it was because he didn't want to ruin the good time everyone was having and he'd be back to his normal sarcastic self in no time. Sanji, catching glimpses of Zoro’s confusion and nervous laughter, always turned his head away or would strike up a conversation with someone else. He wanted there to be zero consideration in Zoro’s mind that he might like him in a "more than friends" way. He just hoped he had done a good enough job.

♡ Chapter Four ♡

When night rolled around he kept his promise of taking the night watch. As everyone else went to bed, he stomped down to his room to grab a blanket and a pillow. If he was going to be awake all night in the cold, he was at least going to try to be comfortable. He watched as one by one the crew separated and said their goodnights. He noticed Zoro looking particularly exhausted and suddenly felt alright about taking the night watch. If he could take at least one thing off that man’s plate to help him out, he would in a heartbeat. Everyone dispersed especially quickly and Sanji was left alone in the hall outside his room. He let out a deep sigh (he found himself doing this a lot lately) and opened the door, walking to the wardrobe to grab his pajamas. He took his day clothes off and put them in the laundry bin. Everyone claimed that clothes didn't need to be washed after only one wear and it was only a waste of soap but Sanji disagreed. Considering the number of times he's been stranded on an island, kidnapped, lost his luggage, or anything else that forced him to wear the same clothes for weeks on end, he was going to be spotless every chance he got. After putting his freshly dried pajamas on he darted to his bed to grab what he needed. As he dragged the blanket off and lifted up his pillow he noticed the objects that were lying beneath. He groaned in anguish, knowing that he should write about breakfast but ultimately he didn't want to. The event played out in his head and he felt his stomach start to twist in knots. He angrily grabbed the notebook and pen, knowing this was for his own sanity, and headed up to the crow’s nest.

The wood of the nest was cold and unwelcoming. He placed the pillow against the curve and sat down, leaning his back up against it to try to save himself some back pain. He shivered as he covered himself in the blanket, clutching it close to his chest to try to heat himself up faster. He looked out into the empty sea, looking for any sign of disruption. Nothing. There wasn't a single thing occurring besides the flow of the waves as far as Sanji could see. He took a breath in and tilted his head up towards the stars. He exhaled, noticing how he could see his breath. The fog reminded him that he didn't have a cigarette to smoke. He instinctively reached his hand down to his pocket but quickly remembered that his pajamas don't have pockets, nor a pack of cigarettes. “Well that's just what I wanted. This is going to be a great night.” He said in a defeated tone. Still looking up at the night sky he began to look at the stars. He didn't look for any constellations or try to point out planets or anything. He simply just observed. He watched as a shooting star shot past the dark purple sky in a split second. He couldn't help but laugh. “Oh that's just hilarious, isn't it? What, is this the universe telling me to wish for the shitty moss head to be here right now?” He said up to the sky. At that moment his head snapped down, tearing his eyes away from the stars. He had been living in a few blissful minutes of a “Zoro-free” mind, but now he was back to normal. He looked down at the notebook and pen lying against the wood and made a face of disdain. Even though he had no choice but to come to terms with his feelings, he still didn't like them. No amount of giddiness he felt towards Zoro could stop him from forever being annoyed at himself. He exhaled once more, no longer being phased by the cold, and picked up the notebook.

Sanji spent an entire hour writing about Zoro. And he spent the rest of his night watch shift thinking about Zoro. He had filled so much of the journal up that he didn't even dare count how many pages it was. The side of his hand was smothered in red ink that he didn't bother to try to wipe off. His mind was just as flooded as the book. Every single thing he tried to think about to get his mind off the man was somehow a road back to him. It's like his thoughts were all rivers and streams that lead back to one huge ocean. Everything about this night has made it apparent to Sanji that this wasn't just a normal crush, it never had been. It was getting worse and soon it would become a problem for the others. There's no way they wouldn't start to notice if he kept up the way he had been. That night Sanji came to the conclusion that he needed to distance himself from the swordsman. He didn't want to, it was probably the last thing on earth he wanted to do, but at least no one else would ever catch on to what was going on if he was never around him. He curled his knees to his chest and put his head down on top of them. He thought about how this could be good for him too. There was always a chance that the distance could cause his feelings to disappear. He let out a desperate laugh.

“Like I could ever be that lucky.”

♡ Chapter Five ♡

Sanji got down from the crow’s nest that morning feeling completely awake. He hadn't gotten a moment of sleep (obviously since that was his job) but he didn't feel tired whatsoever. There was no way he'd have been able to sleep even if he was in his bed. He stepped down onto the deck of the ship and rubbed his head. It was finally morning and he was itching to start cooking just to try and get his mind off of all of this. If it weren't for his loyalty to not leave the crow’s nest, he probably would've been furiously cooking all night.

Today’s breakfast wasn't as impressive as yesterday’s but it was still a sight to be proud of. Sanji had used up the last of the sausage yesterday so today’s meat was bacon- which Luffy promptly snatched all of. Everyone sat around the table once again, noshing away on the array of pancakes, eggs, quiche, and everything else Sanji had to offer. The scene was a lot quieter than the day before but he didn't mind, it was a lot easier to focus on the food without everyone talking over each other. He didn't bother sitting down with everyone, he'd much rather just keep making more food.

He worried about being questioned by the others but he realized it would be easy enough to play off. He could always say he was making extra for Luffy since he seemed to never get full, or he could lie that he was preparing for future dishes, any excuse would work as long as he didn't tell the truth. He gulped as he started slicing up ham for the omelet he just started working on. Thinking about the truth had had his stomach in a painful knot all night, and it wasn't going away. He hadn't caught one glance at Zoro all morning. It was painful in so many ways, but all he could do was keep his head down and hope it would be worth it.

“Why don't you come and join us, Sanji? You've been working non stop all morning.” Robin asked swiftly. Sanji felt his throat start to burn as he tried to think of the best thing to say while still making sure not to face the crew at the table. “You caught me right in the middle of something, Robin-chan, but if it's you who wants my company, how could I refuse?” As soon as that phrase left his mouth, Sanji was cursing himself in his mind. His only goal was to keep himself away from that table but in trying to act like his normal flirtatious self he screwed that up. He heard Robin hum in agreement and Chopper giggle excitedly. At least they were excited to have him join the company but personally, he couldn't be more terrified. As much as it would hurt his pride as a chef, he wished for nothing more than the bubbling omelet to burst into flames. Then everyone would be forced out of the kitchen so he could once again be alone with his thoughts.

Sanji’s hands shook as he garnished the egg dish, plating it lovingly and picking it up as he tried to gather any inner courage he had. He turned around and began to walk to the table, keeping his eyes on the plate in his hand, pretending to silently critique it before setting it down. He stood at the foot of the table, next to where Robin was seated. He watched as Luffy instantly reached for the plate, nearly breaking it with his brute force. At the same time, he regretfully watched as Zoro’s arm also reached out, playing a game of tug of war with the ceramic plate. “Let go! I'm hungry!” Luffy yelled at Zoro. “So am I!” Zoro snarled back. Sanji wanted to stop them, a breakable plate versus these two was bound to end in disaster. As much as he wanted to say something, he couldn't. He couldn't get a single word out of his mouth as he watched Zoro’s hand willingly let go of the plate followed immediately by Luffy’s victory laugh. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding in. All that mattered is that the plate had remained intact. Sanji then started to backtrack and wished the plate had broken as he realized now he actually had to sit down at the table. If he was picking up ceramic shards right now he wouldn't have to risk having to talk to Zoro.

It wasn't until this moment that Sanji looked at everyone for the first time all morning. Nobody looked like they thought anything was wrong, so that was a good sign. Sanji had a quick moment of calm. He thought that maybe this could be okay. Nobody noticed he was acting weird and everyone seemed to be having a good time. All he had to do was ignore Zoro and engage in conversation with everyone else at the table. That all seemed at least manageable until Robin spawned a pair of hands to pull out a chair at the table for Sanji. The chair that just so happened to be the only open chair at the table. The chair that was right across from Zoro. Sanji had to hold back a noise of disbelief. “Just my goddamn luck.” He thought to himself, bracing himself for what was about to happen. He sat down in the chair and made direct eye contact with the table, not daring to look up.

Throughout the rest of the meal, no one really attempted to talk to him. It was overall a pretty quiet gathering anyways but he found it odd that he'd been invited to the table only to be ignored. He didn't think anything of it until he felt an impact on the top of his head. He immediately looked towards the source of the punch, only to be met with Luffy retracting his rubbery arm back. “What's wrong with you?” Luffy asked in the most unbothered, insensitive tone. Classic Luffy. Sanji was too caught off guard to move, he couldn't even move his head down towards the table. This caused him to see everyone’s reactions to Luffy's blatant question. They all stared at him with wide eyes. The entire crew’s faces read “Why would you say that? We were trying to be discreet!”. It was only then that Sanji realized why nobody had been talking to him. They had probably been exchanging knowing looks all morning about his odd behavior. And right as he thought he had things under control, no less. He had nearly forgotten Luffy even asked a question until he heard the same man’s voice go “Eh?”. He had to lie on the spot, which is something he had gotten fairly good at but recently he was starting to lose the skill. “Sorry, I'm just tired from being on watch all night.” Is what he came up with. Luckily it wasn't a complete lie. He had been on the night watch, but he wasn't tired. “Oh. Okay!” Luffy replied, going back to the omelet he had acquired. That seemed to be a good enough answer for the rubber man but everyone else’s expressions (except for maybe Zoro’s who he didn't dare look at) seemed to say that they weren't buying it. He couldn't blame them. Sanji was the one who went on night watch most often and it was never something that left him like this afterwards. He was just grateful they let him get away with the fib this time.

♡ Chapter Six ♡

No one asked about lunch that day. Sanji only realized it was past their normal lunchtime when he glanced at the clock on a whim. He quickly figured out why he hadn't heard any complaints about the late meal. He wasn't an idiot. It was obvious that everyone on the ship had caught on to the fact that something was going on with him. He put his money on Robin being the one who told everyone not to bother him. As much as he appreciated the space, this was far from an ideal situation.

He quickly whipped up a platter of sandwiches, filling multiple of each with what he knew would be liked by everyone. He tried to put on a normal and presentable face as he walked outside the kitchen door. Immediately he broke character as he saw the scene laid out in front of him.

Every member of the crew was huddled close to one another in an oddly shaped circle. It looked as if they were all having a debate. Except this debate was clearly meant to be a secret. Sanji’s face turned bright red as his mind jumped to a conclusion he was almost positive was true. They had to have been talking about him. The way they all leaned back and waved at him as he walked out of the door like nothing was happening made it evident. Sanji stiffly walked over to the group, not knowing how to even begin phrasing a sentence. There was no point in trying to act like nothing was wrong if everyone was already talking about it behind his back. He might as well do them a favor and confirm their suspicions. He set down the sandwich platter a few feet away from the gathering of the crew. “Sorry I'm late.” He managed to say. He felt like he was suffocating. Everything about his tone of voice was painful to listen to. He watched as a few of their faces turned worried, looking away before he could look at Zoro. He awkwardly walked away from the group, only raising a hand in response to their shy gratitude for the lunch. He didn't go back into the kitchen. Instead, he went to his room where he stayed the rest of the night.

♡ Chapter Seven ♡

He assumed it was about to get dark when he heard a knock on his door. He didn't bother replying. Whoever was out there could either say what they needed to or wait for the next time Sanji got the courage to show his face again. “Oi, Cook.” He heard Zoro's voice through the door. He instantly sat up in his bed, thankful he wasn't able to be seen. “I don't know what's got you all fucked up but I hope you snap out of it soon.” There was a pause. Sanji debated saying something but his thoughts were cut off by the man outside the room continuing to speak. “I'm taking the night watch tonight since you clearly have stuff to work out. ‘M sure you realized but you left your pillow and shit in the nest so come get it if you want it, I'm not gonna bring it to you.” Zoro waited a few seconds for a response but was met with silence. Sanji then heard his harsh footsteps growing farther away from him and knew Zoro hadn't planned on being patient.

Sanji put his face in his palms and groaned. God he wished all of this would go away. He didn't want to have feelings for Zoro, he didn't ask for this. He barely even knew why it was happening. His emotions were getting the best of him and he couldn't stop it. It was unlike him to lock himself up in his room and sulk for hours, but something about these feelings had changed him. He didn't even care that he was laying on an empty mattress with just a sheet on it. He was too deep in the rabbit hole of his mind that his bedding was essentially the last thing he was worried about. He felt like he was going to cry but he couldn't. No tears would fall no matter how much it felt like they should. Sanji had never felt this way before and it was clear he didn't know how to handle it. The best he could manage was laying on his stomach and shoving his head into the mattress, wishing over and over again that the feelings would go away.

♡ Chapter Eight ♡

Zoro makes his way out of the hallway, onto the deck of the ship, and up to the crow’s nest. Unlike Sanji, Zoro doesn't change before nighttime, he simply stays in his clothes from the day prior. He realized that maybe wasn't the best choice as the bitter wind hit him on his bare arms and he shivered. “Christ it's cold out here, worse than the other day.” He says to no one. He looks down beside him and sees the pillow and blanket left by Sanji from his shift last night. He makes a sour face as he thinks about using someone else’s blanket, especially the cook’s. He can't pinpoint why but it feels extra invasive knowing it's Sanji’s. That man was always so picky with everything he owned Zoro didn't want to taint anything at the risk of him going off. Zoro stopped mid-thought, realizing what was going through his mind. “Why the fuck do I care about the cook’s stuff? It's not like he won't find something else to yell at me for anyways.” He says, feeling slightly insecure for an unknown reason. He shoves down the weird feelings and grabs the blanket that's beside him, draping it over his lap and waiting for it to start getting warm. As he does this he hears two noises followed by him getting the blanket situated. One sounded like a “clink” and the other, a dull “thud”. He peered over, naturally confused about whatever it was that just fell out of the blanket and onto the wood. It was hard to tell what the objects were in the dark so he leaned over and picked them both up with one hand. Upon closer inspection, he realized that it was a small black notebook and a red pen that was almost out of ink.

Confused, he set down the pen and held the journal with both hands, flipping open the first page. It would've been hard to see in the dark if Zoro’s eyes hadn't gotten well adjusted to the night after so many battles in the darkness. He mumbled the words out loud to himself. “Sanji’s. Do not proceed. Please.” He scoffed loudly. “What the fuck is this?” He laughed. He didn't want to be invasive but at the same time, he was awfully curious about what was in this book. He thought that it was a sketchbook. I mean, he seemed like the type of guy that would be into that right? Zoro’s curiosity got the best of him as he put all the pages between his thumb and flipped the pages quickly. In the few seconds it took him to skim through, he immediately realized that it was not a sketchbook. In fact, there was nothing in this small book but words all written in red ink. He laughed to himself again. “No fucking way. A diary?” He chuckled harder, “Of course that Love Cook would have a diary, that's so fitting.” He was in awe. He couldn't believe he considered the possibility of it being for drawing when this made so much more sense. He was always spewing shitty poetry at Robin or Nami or any woman he came in contact with. Of course, he'd never thought about Curly keeping a journal of his thoughts but now that Zoro knew, he wouldn't be able to forget. Now that he knew what was inside, he wanted details. He knew it was wrong but what harm would it do to just peek at one page real quick? He couldn't be mad if he never found out, right? With this debatable justification in mind, he flipped to a random page in the middle of the book and instantly felt his stomach drop to the floor.

The first thing that catches Zoro's eye is his own name on the page, multiple times. He rolls his eyes before he actually takes in the words, expecting to read nothing but bad things about himself. “This is just the humbling experience I needed, can't wait for this.” He sighs sarcastically. He braced himself for all the nasty things the cook had to say about him, but what he found happened to be the exact opposite.

Zoro skimmed over the page once and couldn't believe what he was seeing. He thought maybe he didn't pay enough attention to the words on the page but as he examined them more closely, he could only find good things being written about himself. Not just good things- flattering things. Zoro started to mumble bits and pieces of the excerpts out loud as he tried to register this as something that was happening.

“When he remembers small details about things I’ve said or done it makes me feel so happy…”

“The way he never hesitates on anything is riveting…”

“When he genuinely laughs it makes me feel like everything bad that's happening doesn't matter…”

Zoro tore his eyes from off the page and closed the book. He tried to rationalize why someone would write something like that about him. More importantly, why Sanji of all people would write that about him. He coughed, his body also not knowing how to react to what he just read. “Well maybe he was just writing nice things about all of us.” He thought. “People do that right? When they write shit they're grateful for?” He continued in his mind. He was grasping at threads trying to understand what all this meant. He knew that there was only one real way to find out. He flipped to the very first page.

He read the first 6 pages and everything seemed pretty normal. I mean, he definitely learned some new things about his crewmate, that's for sure. For starters, he writes his emotions down when they get too overwhelming. Another thing is that apparently, he's a great ballroom dancer and sometimes misses the nights he'd stay up teaching himself in his tiny room at Baratie. Zoro smiled without realizing it. The thought of the cook losing sleep to learn how to dance all by himself was….cute. Zoro continued, getting more invested in all the little things of Sanji’s life. The angel on his shoulder was yelling at him to stop invading other people’s privacy but the devil on his other shoulder was louder. He continued to skim and scan through moments of sorrow and triumph written delicately in crimson cursive. Zoro found himself rooting for the chef as he turned the small pages. He got excited whenever he read about the details of a specific fight that the man had won. He felt queasy whenever he read words of self-deprecation. Zoro felt like he was reading a fantasy book, how he had accidentally stumbled across this window into Sanji’s life was beyond him. He was just beginning to get a grasp on the book when he noticed the font had abruptly changed. It was still cursive. Still very impressively nice cursive at that. Although now it was rushed. It seemed like it had been written in panic. Zoro took a deep breath, realizing this was probably something traumatic that had happened in Sanji’s life if it altered with his normal writing style this much. He blinked hard and shook his head. “I don't care that much about that bastard, why am I thinking like this?” He said, finally hearing his own thoughts. He pulled himself together and connected back with the page in front of him. As he started to read, the pieces finally began coming together.

“I think I might have a crush on Zoro. Crush might also be an understatement. I don't know what's happening but I hate it.”

Zoro exhaled quickly as if he was watching a reality TV show. His eyes went over that sentence five times before he was able to process what it said. “Oh my god.” Is all he could choke out. He skimmed the rest of the page and flipped to the next.

“Jesus Christ, I don't know what to do. I feel like I lose all common sense when I'm around him. Just looking at him makes me fumble my words. How is this happening???? What did I do to deserve this??”

He laughed at the amount of question marks the cook used, it really captured how distressed he was. After appreciating the comedy of that phrase, he was hit by what it was actually saying. Reading this book felt like one punch followed by another, followed by another and it was seemingly never-ending. Yet he endured it page by page, each time getting more shocked by what he was witnessing.

“It's really bad now. All I can think about is him. Everytime I try to get my mind off of him I end up back at square one.”

“I've noticed he conveys most of his emotions with his eyes, I love seeing them change throughout the day.”

“Today I accused him of finishing a bottle of wine just so I had an excuse to talk to him. He grabbed me by my tie and called me an idiot for thinking he drank such shitty alcohol. I hope I didn't blush too much.”

Every word he read had him more and more on the edge of his seat. He felt like he was on the world’s highest roller coaster and he was reaching the peak. This still didn't feel real whatsoever, Zoro was reading with a blank mind, just trying to absorb the words from the page. Luckily, he had all the rest of his night to process. Hopefully, he wouldn't get a surprise visit from the Marines or a hungry sea king.

“God I'm such an idiot. Zoro came in while I was making breakfast and saw me in my stupid pajamas. I hope he doesn't remember. I think I have a good chance because he's currently asleep against the wall.”

Zoro definitely remembered the pajamas.

“Speaking of that, he might have seen me staring at him while he was asleep. It could've been my imagination. I really hope it was my imagination.”

He chuckled as he recalled this exact moment. He had caught the cook looking at him but he didn't think anything of it. When it happened he considered calling him out or making fun of him, but he was too exhausted to try. Zoro thanked his past self for choosing to stay quiet.

“Just had the worst moment of my life. Probably the best breakfast ever though. The table was wonderfully vibrant and I made everything to perfection. Wish Zeff were here to see that, those flavors would've given that damn geezer a heart attack.”

Zoro didn’t notice his facial expression grow soft. His eyelids shut halfway and a small smile crept onto his face. “That food was amazing.” Zoro said out loud, remembering all the dishes.

“I wish he didn't make me act like a dumbass. I can't talk to him without feeling like I'm gonna be sick. Anytime he asked me for something I got it for him like a dog playing fetch. How pathetic is that????”

“I think Nami and Robin are catching on. Probably because I haven't been flirting as much... Never thought I'd say that.”

He realized very quickly that he was reading about yesterday’s breakfast. Zoro had noticed him being extra attentive and a little strange but he'd never even considered that it might be because of a crush.

Zoro read everything there was about that event, and there was a lot. He's gotten through all the pages but one. It was a page full of scribbled text and crossed-out words that he had to squint to be able to read, but he was determined to decipher each one.

“Do you think he'd let me take his last name?”

“Roronoa Sanji. That sounds nice.”

“This is agonizing.”

“Why is he so hot?????”

“He makes poor table etiquette attractive and I want to kill him.”

Zoro was extremely entertained reading these. He was also getting the biggest ego boost of his life. Hearing about how someone you thought hated you is actually obsessed with you just strikes a different chord, apparently. He kept reading the anecdote-like scratches until he noticed a phrase written in tiny letters in the bottom corner of that same page. He hadn't seen it because of all the chaos above it. He held the journal close to his face and felt his heartbeat increase rapidly. Everything in this book so far had felt like a dream, a really weird and confusing dream. This was the first thing that really made him lose his breath. He had to read it over again to make sure he wasn't misreading it.

“I love you, Roronoa Zoro.”

That's when the roller coaster finally dropped.

♡ Chapter Nine ♡

Before he knew it the sun had begun to rise. Zoro had no worries about trying to stay awake that night, he didn't think he'd be able to ever fall asleep again after what he had gone through. Zoro read and reread the book over and over again, each time getting more of a good feeling in his body. Hearing someone talk about him like that was admittedly flattering. He'd be lying if he said he didn't take pride in the words Sanji wrote about him. Reading what the man had to say about him, Zoro couldn't help but think about the things he thought about Sanji.

He remembered all the times he made fun of the cook for wearing that pink apron with the panda on it every time he cooked but now he started to think it was kind of charming. And you know, he never really thought Sanji’s eyebrows looked dumb, they're just a very defining feature, a very unique feature. He hadn't noticed he had Sanji’s blanket bunched up close to him. He could smell the expensive lemon-scented hair gel Sanji used every morning to get his hair straight. Zoro always made fun of him for it but suddenly he found the aroma to be more than comforting. He thought about how in the book Sanji mentioned that his hair is naturally wavy, not straight like he always presented it to be. Zoro thinks he might ask to see that sometime. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine it. He was never the best at creating images in his head but he's sure it would look great.

He held the blanket closer to him. The softness of the fabric paired with the lemon fragrance and the words of admiration swimming in his mind created a scary combo. Zoro had never felt himself get like this. He'd never felt his stomach get queasy in this sort of way. It was a good queasy like he was anticipating something great. He couldn't remember the last time he'd blushed over something that wasn't anger. He'd never felt this type of desire to be around someone. He feels loyalty to Luffy in a completely different way than this. The promise he made to Kuina also feels drastically different from these feelings. Zoro tried to snap out of it but he couldn't. He kept going back to everything Sanji said about him. The words “I love you” echoed in his ears in the man’s voice over and over again. He thinks he's only heard Sanji say his real name on about three occasions in all the time they've been on the ship together. Even just seeing his own name “Roronoa Zoro” spelled out in the cook’s handwriting was enough to make his face heat up. He wanted to hear Sanji say it.

He needed to talk to Sanji.

Zoro came up with an idea that he knew had the potential to end in disaster, but that was the kind of guy he was. The cook had written that he likes the way Zoro doesn't hesitate and the swordsman is taking it personally. He decided to leave a note for the other man, in the very journal he had just read multiple times. It was bold, yes, but it was a way to get his message across without having to come face to face with Sanji.

Zoro still didn't really know how he felt. He'd never experienced any kind of romantic anything before so he was wary about jumping to conclusions. For all he knew, he could just be pumped up on adrenaline and a high ego and convincing himself he has some kind of feelings for the twirly browed man. The last thing he wanted was to get his or Sanji’s hopes up, only to let at least one of them down.

Zoro grabbed the red pen and clicked it. It felt weird holding it, especially knowing he was about to write with it. He'd just read pages upon pages of raw emotion all done with this one pen. Zoro thought maybe he was getting drowsy from the whirlwind of an all-nighter because when has he ever thought about an inanimate object so intensely?

He flipped to the page with all the scratched-out text (and the “I love you” message he made sure to take in again) and turned to the page directly after it; the next blank space. He started writing and cringed at his own writing as he compared it to Sanji’s. The cook’s writing looked like it was written by a prince, Zoro’s looked like a caveman’s. He would've at least thought being skilled with swords would give him some penmanship. He concluded that those two things were too unrelated to make any sense. He finished his message and read it over to make sure it wasn't nonsense:

“Cook-

Sorry for reading your book, I didn't mean to but once I started I couldn't stop.

Is this something you wanna talk about? I'd really like to have this conversation with you. :)

-Zoro”

He tried to sound as put together as possible, he didn't know for sure if it worked. He hoped that it would be good enough to open up whatever door this was between them. He clicked the pen and the ballpoint tip went away. Zoro shut the notebook for the final time and set it on the ground of the crow’s nest. He reluctantly untangled himself from the blanket, missing the warmth and the smell, and folded it as nicely as he could. He undid one of the folds, set the notebook and pen inside, and folded the blanket back over. He grabbed the blanket bundle and Sanji’s pillow and made his way down the nest, his heart pounding so hard he could feel it in his whole body.

He walked across the deck and looked for any sign of the chef. Nothing here. He walked past the kitchen and he couldn't smell anything from inside, which was unusual by this time. He knocked on the door and opened it a creak when he got no response. He wasn't in here either. Assuming he was still in his room from the night before, he headed in that direction. He reached the door of Sanji’s room and knocked. No response. He knocked again and heard rustling on the bed. So he was there. Zoro felt his stomach drop as he realized he'd never see Sanji in the same light again. He wanted more than anything to open that door and just talk. Talk about anything, do anything, he just wanted to be around him. He wanted to figure out what was going on.

“What?” Sanji replied, sounding like he just woke up.

“Sorry if I woke you up. Uh, I have the shit you left in the nest. I said I wasn't gonna bring it to you but I didn't want...like… a bird stealing it or something like that,” Zoro cursed himself in his head for how stupid he sounded right now. “I'm just gonna leave it out here.”

He tried to say everything in a monotone “normal Zoro” voice, he didn't want to sound like he actually cared about the cook. He wanted Sanji to find that out when he was ready to talk to him.

He set down the blanket and pillow, just now realizing that he'd been holding the blanket all night. It might smell like him. After reading that book though, Zoro wasn't too worried about that. If anything, it's probably what Sanji would've wanted, right? Zoro was taken aback that that was a sentence he actually thought. That was a sentence that actually fits with the context of life right now. Crazy. Not being able to get rid of the shock, Zoro traces his steps back down the hall and walks to the kitchen. Sanji being in a slump doesn't change the fact that he's starving. He should be able to find something to eat on his own. Hopefully.

♡ Chapter Ten ♡

Sanji got up from his empty bed and trudged to the door. He felt like hell. He probably looked like it too but he didn't want to look in the mirror. These past couple of days have put him through so much he tried to avoid. His breaking point was witnessing all of his friends circle up like some kind of cult to gossip about him. That hurt. He had no intention of seeing anyone. He didn't want to. He didn't think anyone wanted to see him either. He thought about what could make the situation better. Well, his bedding for one, he thought. He put his ear to the door to make sure no one was hovering outside. After he deemed the coast to be clear he opened the door slowly and grabbed the bundle with both arms. He set it down on his bed and looked down. He paused but he didn't know why. After a few seconds, he snapped out of it and set the pillow at the head of his bed and unfolded the blanket. As he was about to appreciate Zoro’s nice folding on the blanket, his heart dropped. The notebook and the pen fell out of the blanket and onto the floor. Sanji instantly felt sick. His head started pounding and his hands got clammy. “Please. Oh my god. Please tell me Zoro didn't see this.” He said, shakily picking up the book and the pen. “He at least saw it but… he probably didn't bother to read it.” Sanji said to himself, trying to calm himself down. If Zoro had looked at any part of this notebook, it might as well be the end of the world.

He set the book and pen down at the edge of the bed as he spread out his blanket. He got under the covers and grabbed both of the items again. It did feel nice to have a blanket again. “Dammit,” He thought. “If only I would've gotten my stuff when that bastard told me to. I could've saved myself a lot of stress.”

He opened the book roughly in the middle, flipping through pages to get to the next blank one. He clicked the pen, ready to start writing about his overflowing emotions when he noticed handwriting that wasn't his own. His heart sank farther than it ever had before. He dropped the pen and put his hand over his mouth. In a split second every bad feeling Sanji had experienced in the past two days was amplified. He felt like he was going to pass out. He'd recognize this handwriting anywhere. He knew whose it was without even reading it. He didn't want to read it.

His hands shook as he brought the book closer to his face. It was getting harder to read as his eyes clouded with a layer of tears. He read Zoro’s note. He set the book down. There was nothing Sanji wanted to do more right now than scream at the top of his lungs. He was terrified. What if Zoro never wanted to talk to him again? How would that affect the team? How was he supposed to explain that to the rest of the crew? His head was swarmed with every terrible outcome that this could cause.

His worry turned to anger. How dare Zoro read words that weren't his to read. A respectful person would've read the warning in the front of the book and stopped. Maybe Zoro was just too dumb enough to look in the front first. He got more and more riled up. He couldn't stop himself from looking at the note again. He scoffed at the smiley face. “Great. Yeah. Like adding a stupid fucking smiley face to this is gonna make me feel better! What the fuck is wrong with him?” He rambled. He didn't know how to interpret the note. At this moment, he didn't even want to know. “I'd really like to have this conversation with you.” He read aloud. “Oh yeah I'm sure you would. I'm sure you're just dying to make fun of me for this.” His face started to burn. The thought of Zoro looking through every page of text, reading every word Sanji had written in that red ink made him nauseous beyond belief. That book was something no one was ever supposed to find. No one was ever supposed to look at those words except for himself. He felt like a wall inside of him had crumbled down with no warning. A wall that maintained some stability within him, now shattered. This would usually be the time Sanji would pick up the pen and begin to write but that was the last thing he wanted to do right now.

His entire life Sanji had been keeping his emotions a secret. Writing down paragraphs of anguish anytime he was going through a lot. No one had to know what he was going through if he could keep it all to himself. But this had changed everything. Now someone knew everything. It felt like everything he'd been bottling up had been printed out on flyers and stuck around the whole world. He couldn't even calm down knowing it was just one person who'd seen it, because it happened to be the one person he didn't want looking at that book most. He could feel the mix of every awful emotion begin to move throughout his entire body. He was scared, mortified, and enraged, while still being in a state of fresh shock. His entire body felt warm and his heart was racing. He couldn't just stay in his room anymore. Why should he continue to hold in his feelings when someone had let themselves in without a second thought? He couldn't take it anymore. Sanji ripped the page Zoro had written on out of the notebook without any hesitation. He clutched it in his hand as he stood up from the bed. He had made up his mind. He didn't even bother checking his appearance before storming out of his room, deciding he needed to find Zoro right away.

♡ Chapter Eleven ♡

It didn’t take long to find him, it wasn’t exactly difficult to predict where he’d gone. Sanji felt his ears burn as he tried to come up with something to say before he barged in the kitchen door. He couldn’t come up with a single sentence. Maybe that was for the best. He’d spent his entire life lying to others about his feelings, so maybe this is where he finally lets it all go. Would it even matter if he did? It’s not like Zoro would ever want to speak to him again after this anyways.

His head was spinning faster than it ever had before. What the fuck was happening? How had all of this gone so downhill so fast? He had a feeling this would be the last time he ever wrote down anything on paper.

Sanji quickly reached the entrance to the kitchen. He looked at the deck and saw Usopp and Chopper throw a glance at him, only for them to both quickly turn their heads. Sanji scoffed in anger. This was not his day. Apparently, everyone on the ship hated him now. Great.

Before Sanji could make any movement, Zoro opened the kitchen door, carrying a plate of onigiri in his hand.

Sanji didn’t think before taking action. He wasn’t in his right mind but he didn’t care. He was too angry to think about being civilized. He didn't even realize that the swordsman had actually cooked something on his own. He put his right hand flat on Zoro’s chest and harshly shoved him back into the kitchen, following him and slamming the door behind them. The plate Zoro was previously holding was now on the ground and bits of rice had stuck to the floor. Zoro himself was also on the ground. He had been so caught off guard by the impact that he had fallen over and landed with his back against the wall. He was in awe as he looked up at the cook who was now threateningly standing above him.

“Oi, Cook, wha-” Zoro began, about to start one of their normal bicker sessions. Sanji was not in the mood.

“What the actual fuck is wrong with you?” He spat in a painfully sharp tone. Zoro felt his mouth get dry. “What?” That was all he managed to say in response. “I said,'' Sanji said, emphasizing his words with even more malice. “What is wrong with you? How could you do something like this, you absolute bastard!” Sanji took a step back from Zoro. He knew that getting any closer to him would end up in something bad happening. Probably many broken bones, to Chopper’s dismay.

Zoro had a small idea of what was going on. He wasn’t that dumb. Obviously, this was about the book and the invasion of privacy he had committed. He knew it probably wasn’t his best moment of judgment but was it really this bad? Did Sanji really intend on keeping this secret for his entire life? Zoro couldn’t bring himself to say anything back. He felt guilty and was in shock. Anything he’d say would probably make the situation 10 times worse.

Sanji felt himself on the verge of tears. He didn’t want to cry in front of Zoro, that would just cause even more embarrassment for himself to deal with later. God, it was hard to keep it in though. This was one of the worst feelings he’s experienced. He hated yelling at Zoro in such a serious manner but his exasperation far overpowered that. He felt the tears prick at his eyes, they were begging to fall. Sanji didn’t let them.

Zoro could tell that Sanji was about to cry. It was one of the most abnormal things he’s witnessed. The only times he’s ever seen the man cry is when he used to cry over the women on the ship. That or when he gets too much saltwater in his eyes. Never has Zoro even once seen him cry out of genuine and raw emotion. It was devastating to watch.

“You’ve ruined everything. Do you know that? Can you possibly understand that?” Sanji said in a desperate tone, walking slightly closer to Zoro. The man against the wall was petrified in the position he was in. He tried to move but he couldn’t. “I didn’t mean to, I swear-” Once again the cook cut him off before he could finish his thought. “I don’t wanna hear it from you.” Sanji inhaled a shaky breath and released a sad puff of cigarette smoke. “I don’t know what made you think that what you did was okay, but Jesus, I’d love to know..” He sounded more heartbroken than anything.

Zoro had to do something. He had to say something that would end up helping the situation. Judging by how this conversation was going right now, it wasn’t going to turn out in either of their favor.

“Cook, listen, I’m sorry.” Zoro tried to plead.

“You’re sorry? Sorry, really? If you were sorry, you wouldn’t have invaded my goddamn privacy in the first place!” Sanji shouted, not caring about what anyone thought of him anymore. “Seriously, who does that?” He laughed in awe. He put his fingers on his temples and closed his eyes. “I guess you do, because you only care about yourself, you’ve only ever cared about yourself.” He sneered.

“That’s not true.” Zoro stood his ground. He understood why Sanji was upset but he wouldn’t stand for his character being slandered.

“Okay, well, I guess you just never cared about me then. That sounds more accurate, doesn’t it?” Sanji took his hand off his face and made straight eye contact with the swordsman. Zoro was finally able to pull himself up from the ground, standing a few inches away from the wall. Sanji was a few feet in front of him.

“That’s not true either. You know that.” Zoro reasoned. Sanji’s face turned a light shade of pink and he turned his head away.

“Do I know that? Have you ever made that clear? Because as far as I know, you hate me more than anyone else you’ve ever met!” Sanji threw an arm in the air for a second. Every one of his movements was more dramatic than usual.

“I didn’t think I had to make it clear! We fight! We make fun of each other, that’s what we do!” Zoro’s voice got louder as he spoke. He couldn’t believe he was really having this conversation. As if Sanji thought he didn’t care about him. Zoro cared about the entire crew, it was bizarre of the cook to feel like he wasn’t included in that.

“Yeah I’m sure you can’t wait to make fun of me for this. I can already hear your stupid fucking jokes. Lemme tell you now, they’re not funny.” Sanji hissed, turning his head back to Zoro.

“Jesus, Cook! What the fuck do I have to say to get you to listen to me for one second! I’m not gonna make fun of you! I just wanted to talk.” Zoro was fully yelling at this point. He didn’t want to, but it was something he knew he was good at and it seemed to be the only way Sanji would pay him any attention.

“Oh, I’m sure you have so much you want to say to me,” Sanji unclenched the fist he’s maintained the whole time and exposed the page he had torn out of the book. He threw the crumpled note at Zoro and hit him in the stomach with it. Zoro looked like he was going to be sick. “Well I don’t want to hear it. Just do me a favor and forget this ever happened, we don’t need the crew to be affected by this.” Sanji said, his words wavering towards the end. It was obvious that he didn’t want to be acting like this. This wasn’t his normal self and he didn’t enjoy being so harsh with the man he had fallen for. But he had crossed a line, essentially the only line there was. It hurt.

Zoro stood there completely stunned. He didn’t know what to say. Even if he did miraculously come up with something, his throat felt like sandpaper. All he could do was stand like an idiot and watch as Sanji made his way to the door.

The cook had his hand on the door, about to push it open and leave the tension-filled room when he gave one more request. He turned his head around. His sunflower blonde hair perfectly swooped with the motion of his head-turning. His tear-filled eyes pierced right through Zoro’s entire being.

“Just…” Sanji felt like he had ripped his own heart out and stamped it into the ground. “Stay away from me.”

With that, the chef left his kitchen which had now been tainted with a sour feeling. He didn’t bother looking at any other crew members on his way back to his room. He didn’t bother asking anyone if they were hungry. He didn’t even bother giving Zoro a second thought.

All he could do was allow the tears to flow as he toiled back to the solitude he’d become so accustomed to.

♡ Chapter Twelve ♡

Zoro stood alone in the kitchen. He felt completely useless. He put his face in his hands and groaned. “God I fucked up so bad.” You could hear the regret in his voice. He stepped back and aligned his back with the wall. He slid down back onto the floor and sat there staring at the door.

“He's right.” He said simply. “What have I done?” Zoro flopped his arms to the ground in realization. What he had done was extremely disrespectful from Sanji’s perspective. The cook had every right to feel the way he did. Zoro had blatantly invaded his privacy and vandalized his property. On top of that, he didn't even have the guts to ask Sanji about it himself, he just left a dumb little note and thought everything would turn out alright. When he took a second to think about it, Zoro realized how bad that was.

Technically it wasn't his fault that he didn't see that at the time. He had never been good with other peoples' emotions or his own. He rarely had a second thought about anything and usually acted on his first instinct. Of course, it ended up blowing up in his face every once in a while but it'd never been this bad. Zoro felt awful about what he did. He can't remember the last time he's been this stressed about anything. Just when he thought he could become closer to Sanji in one way or another, of course, he had to go fuck everything up like this.

He wanted nothing more than to follow the cook out of the kitchen, drag him back in here, and plead for his forgiveness. But that would be acting on impulse once again and he couldn't do that anymore. Not with something as serious as this. Not with someone as important as Sanji.

All Zoro could do was the next best thing. Which happened to be the worst possible thing in his eyes, but Sanji had made it abundantly clear that it's what he wished. Starting now he'd leave the cook alone. No more barging into the kitchen demanding booze. No more small fits of insults. No more throwing around terrible nicknames whenever he pleased.

No more hurting Sanji.

No more… Sanji.

♡ Chapter Thirteen ♡

The next few days were absolutely agonizing.

Sanji still spent most of the time in his room. He had accepted the crew’s apologies but didn't make an effort to try to socialize. Luckily for everyone else, he was at least back to making regular meals three times a day. He had picked up on the not-so-subtle fact that everyone else was practically incompetent when it came to cooking, so he knew it was time to step in.

Even while cooking he never felt normal. There was always that constant thought in the back of his mind. He tried to ignore it but it never failed to push its way to the front of his brain all the time. He wanted to give in. He wanted to go to Zoro and apologize for how he had acted. He wanted to go back to the way things were, even if he was constantly pining over the man. What they were doing now felt so wrong. The crew was starting to notice as well. Everyone had made remarks about how quiet the ship was now that Zoro and Sanji weren’t arguing. Thankfully, they were on a long journey to a far-off island so they hadn’t gotten into any major fights where they’d be forced to team up. They did have a few encounters with random bounty hunters or rivaling pirate crews but they were nothing that called for extreme measures. Sanji didn’t know if he’d be able to fight alongside Zoro even if he needed to, he barely felt like he could look in his direction the way things were now. He knew that action had to be taken soon. They couldn’t keep going on like this and ignoring each other forever. There’d come a time when they needed to work together, and Sanji knew he had to be over all of this for that to happen. But as much as he wanted to do something, it was a lot easier said than done. Every time the swordsman would walk past him or any time he’d come in the kitchen for lunch, Sanji felt like he was being punched in the stomach. The thought of him knowing everything he shouldn’t made the cook impossibly queasy. He still didn’t know for sure how Zoro felt about the whole situation. It’s not as if he could just ask. Hopefully, sometime he’d get the courage to work things out.

Things were going just as bad for Zoro. He had spent the past few days trying to sleep and train off the guilt he had been eaten alive by. He wanted to apologize to Sanji so badly that every time he would walk past him he debated pulling him aside and forcing him to listen. He’d never actually do it though, of course. His goal during all of this was to make Sanji the least bit uncomfortable as he possibly could. He knew that right now he was not welcome in his life and Zoro respected that. He respected it but that didn’t mean he had to like it. It seemed like every second of every day Zoro found himself cursing the whole situation in his mind. He was mad at himself for acting so impulsively, he was mad at the universe for making Sanji like him of all people, and he was especially mad at his heart for making it feel like he liked Sanji back. That had been the hardest pill to swallow while all of this was going down.

Spending time away from Sanji gave Zoro the chance to work out his own feelings about the chef. Well, maybe not “work out”, that would’ve been a miracle. He was at least beginning to come to an understanding though. Zoro knew all his life that he probably wasn’t straight. He had no interest in girls and really couldn’t care less when it came to relationships. This had been something that never bothered him, until now. Ever since he opened that book and read those crimson words, Sanji was the only thing that was on his mind. He couldn't stop repeating the words he had read in his mind. He thought about them morning to night, he even started having dreams about the chef during his afternoon naps. Things were getting out of hand. Zoro didn’t want to like Sanji like that. He knew that it would complicate things even further. “In crew relationships” always seemed like a bad idea to him, but now it seemed even worse because he was directly involved. As bad as it seemed, he couldn't help himself from thinking about the possibilities. Of course, he had to start thinking he had feelings for the very man he had just ruined a relationship with. Zoro decided that he wouldn’t talk to Sanji until he was ready to talk, which would be very difficult, to say the least. He needed to explain to Sanji what he had been trying to do but knew he couldn’t until the cook would actually listen to him. Zoro had to accomplish the impossible and just wait. For anything else, he thinks he would’ve gone crazy waiting on someone else, but for Sanji, it was worth it.

♡ Chapter Fourteen ♡

It had been a week since their last conversation (if you could even consider what happened a conversation). Zoro was starting to feel the effects of having to ignore someone you potentially like. Over the past seven days, he had concluded that something was definitely up with him and his feelings. He had never felt something like this before and no matter what he did, he couldn’t get his mind off Sanji. He knew he needed to talk to him to sort everything out but he had made a promise to himself and he intended to keep it.

Sanji was slowly starting to come to terms with the fact that maybe things would be alright. He was still mad at Zoro, of course. How could he not be? But even so, he really missed talking to him every day. He would much rather be butting heads with the swordsman right now than sitting at the kitchen table alone. He was still downright terrified whenever he thought about confronting Zoro, but he knew he’d never know how the moss head truly felt if he didn’t ask. He’d been giving him the silent treatment for an entire week. Maybe it was finally time to break the ice.

♡ Chapter Fifteen ♡

The sun was just beginning to set but Sanji made his way up to the crow’s nest anyway. He’d been taking the night watch a lot lately, it helped him clear his head. He made sure to never bring that damned book with him, he’d never make that mistake again. He sighed and climbed up the ladder. He stepped onto the floor, immediately slumped down against the short wall, and wrapped his blanket around himself, trying to get comfortable against the wood. He stared at the sun and all the pinks, oranges, and reds that went along with it going down. He smiled to himself. The orange-yellow that was emitted from the sun in this sky was his favorite. It always made him feel at peace, at least for a second. His peace was interrupted when he heard footsteps from down below. He wondered who was out on the deck at this hour, he thought everyone had gone their separate ways for the night. He craned his neck over the wall of the nest. He somehow held an exasperated laugh. “Of course it’s him, why wouldn’t it be?” He softly mumbled to himself.

Zoro hadn’t been able to sleep at all that day, which was obviously out of his comfort zone. He couldn’t get much sleep at all lately. It wasn’t shocking to him, just annoying. Being tired would hinder his ability to fight which was obviously a no-go for the swordsman. He thought that watching the sunset might calm some of his nerves. He never wanted anyone to know that he was stressed out, he needed to hide all traces of uncertainty he had, for the sake of the crew. He’d gotten used to it by now, but this whole predicament had made it harder than usual. He never really partook in leisurely activities such as watching the sunset but he was quite desperate at this point. He walked out onto the deck and over to one of the railings on the edge of the ship. He set his hands flat on the wood and looked out to the sea. The sun reflecting against the water was a sight to see. He questioned why he’d never done this before. He took a deep breath in and exhaled, feeling a little calmer as he watched the waves roll along.

Sanji turned his head back as if Zoro had caught him staring. He hadn’t, of course, but that was the problem. If Sanji had the opportunity to look at Zoro for God knows how long without the man noticing, he would absolutely take that opportunity. He knew that would end poorly though. Especially now since they were ignoring each other. Sanji felt his face heat up. Suddenly the sunset didn’t seem as pretty. There was something much more beautiful below. He slowly turned his head back and peered down. He almost gasped when he realized the swordsman wasn’t just coming out here to sleep. He was watching the sunset too. Sanji knew for a fact that he’s never once seen Zoro look at the sky just for fun, he definitely would’ve remembered. At least he’ll be able to have this memory now. He couldn’t bring himself to look away. Sanji cursed Zoro for looking so good even when he had no one to impress. Sanji felt like he did so much every day to make sure he looked up to par with his own standards. Zoro 100% does not have a morning routine, so the fact that he can look so perfect with no effort is… annoying. Annoying, but wonderful at the same time. Yes, it means that he doesn’t have to spend a half-hour getting his hair perfect every morning but it also means that his looks will be more than great at any moment of any day. Sanji felt all of his mixed emotions melt away. Watching Zoro watch the sunset was something he never would’ve imagined being this good. The way all the colors bounced off of his hair, the way the orange light complemented his tan skin, Zoro’s unwavering gaze out on the sea. It was all perfect. It was all so serene. Sanji could’ve died right then and there and been completely content. He can’t move his eyes away from the scene. He watches Zoro taking deep breaths in and out over and over again. It’s an addicting sight. The blush on Sanji’s face deepens as he feels his heart pulse in response. He can feel himself melting into the setting. He couldn’t feel upset if he tried. He softly smiled as he turned his head and looked out to the sun from his perspective. He realizes how much he’s been missing this past week. He feels a jolt in his heart when he remembers the fact that he and Zoro are still off speaking terms. He looks back down at him and feels that jolt subside. “God, what have I been doing?” Sanji whispers to himself. “Why have I been avoiding the one person I want to be around most?” Sanji took a draw from his cigarette. He had to do something. He had to get things worked out. He didn’t want to keep doing this anymore. He was ready to listen.

“Enjoying the view, moss head?” Sanji called out from the nest.

Zoro almost lost his grip from turning his head around so fast. He couldn’t believe what he just heard. He had no idea that Sanji was out here. It felt way too early for him to be on night watch yet, it was barely starting to get dark. He looked up and was met with the cook leaning over the edge of the nest just enough so his head was visible. Zoro felt his stomach twist. He’d missed hearing Sanji call him those dumb names.

“Yeah. You?” Zoro called back, not wanting to immediately jump the gun. Sanji had finally made the first move in mending their friendship, he couldn’t fuck this up.

“Yeah.” Sanji said simply, looking out to the open sky. Zoro smiled but didn’t say anything. He watched as Sanji smiled while the pink sky reflected off his sandy hair. It was a delightful combo. Sanji shifted his gaze back down to the swordsman and was met with his eyes looking straight at him. Sanji hoped the blush that crept onto his face was obscured by the nest.

“Isn't it cold down there?” Sanji spoke quickly. He didn’t want Zoro to catch onto the fact that he had been relishing in the soft eye contact between them. “A little.” The swordsman chuckled. They both went back to the silent eye contact they had broken off. It seemed like both men didn’t want to look away.

“Well… I have a blanket up here if you want it.” Sanji couldn't believe he said something so bold. Zoro smiled and suddenly Sanji didn’t feel nervous anymore. That smile could cure anything. “Thanks for the offer, but if you gave me your blanket then you’d be cold.” Zoro responded, still laughing slightly. Sanji pouted. He wanted to reply with “What if we just shared the blanket then.” But he knew he couldn’t do that. “Could I?” He thought to himself. “No. I can’t.” He answered himself back hastily.

“I think I'd manage.” He yelled back instead of saying what his heart told him to.

Zoro took a moment to assess what was happening. Sanji was talking to him for one, that was a good sign. Not only was he talking to him, but he was also having a normal conversation. He wasn’t telling him to leave him alone, he wasn’t yelling or patronizing him, he was just making friendly banter. Friendly might be an understatement. If Zoro’s judgment was correct, it sounded like Sanji was trying to get him to come up to the nest with him. Either this was just a ploy for him to kick Zoro from a high spot, or he was finally ready to talk. Zoro prayed it was the second. With this in mind, he thought he could probably get away with his normal sardonic tone.

“I don’t want to assume, but it kinda sounds like you want me to come up there.” Zoro threw at Sanji. He watched as the chef’s face switched to a bashful expression. So he was right.

“Shut up! You’re just saying that ‘cause..” Sanji paused. He had never admitted this out loud. He didn’t really want to but it’s not like it wasn’t obvious already. “‘Cause you know that I like you, asshole!” He was able to force out. It felt awkward and still scary to admit but part of it felt good to yell out into the world.

Zoro’s eyes got wide in response. He looked completely caught off guard. Of course, he already knew that Sanji was into him but something about hearing him say it felt completely different. It felt nice.

“You said it, not me!” Zoro grinned. Sanji’s shy expression turned to match the man’s below. “Just get up here you idiot.” Sanji retorted, breaking eye contact and crossing his arms. He felt odd telling Zoro to meet him up in the nest. Part of him felt like he shouldn’t have, like he should keep ignoring him and continued being upset with him forever. What he had done was wrong, after all. The other part of him felt like this was a breath of fresh air. This is exactly what he’s wanted to happen for so long. To be alone with Zoro, watching the sunset. What could possibly be better than that? Sanji’s scoff became a barely noticeable smile. He’d get over what Zoro did at some point. Right now all that mattered was getting him to come up here.

Sanji looked back down at Zoro. He was smiling ear to ear. Sanji melted.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

♡ Chapter Sixteen ♡

Zoro hurried up the ladder like his life depended on it. There was nothing more he wanted than to get up there and finally come to an understanding with the cook. Sanji waited for what felt like forever. He felt the tension build as he heard Zoro getting closer and closer but he tried to shoo it away. There was nothing to be nervous about. Except… everything.

Zoro made his way to the top and grabbed onto the last pegs of the ladder. His mossy hair along with the rest of his head poked out from under the floor of the nest.

“Hi.” He stated, with barely any emotion in his words. He was taken aback. He hadn’t been this close to Sanji in over a week. He missed it.

“Hi.” Sanji said back. He was terrified but could barely tell due to the overwhelming infatuation he got from looking at the man in front of him.

Zoro continued to hold onto the ladder instead of climbing in the crow’s nest. He decided to start the conversation off with something nice, to give things a good start.

“You look really nice in this light.” Zoro said completely genuinely. Sanji clenched the blanket he was enthralled in and his eyes teemed with a glint. “Shut up.” He responded, looking away as fast as he could. Zoro hoisted himself up and landed against the wood flooring. “I’m serious, curly.” Zoro practically whispered. Sanji thought he might die. Was his hearing okay? Was this just a dream? He hoped not because that would mean he fell asleep on the job. He snapped out of it when he heard the thud against the wood that was made as Zoro sat down. This definitely wasn’t a dream.

“So…” Zoro began. He didn’t know where he wanted that sentence to go, so he didn’t finish it. Sanji still didn’t look at him.

Sanji sighed. “Listen, Zoro,” He heard himself say the man’s name out loud and almost stopped, but knew he had to keep going. If he couldn’t even say his name, how were they going to progress at all? Sanji ignored the flip his heart did as he heard Zoro let out a tiny gasp. “I’m not sure how you feel about… everything… but this- ignoring you, it’s just too much.” He said, taking another puff from his cigarette. He let his arms fall to the ground. “And I’m not just saying that ‘cause I, y’know…” He had already said it once, he didn’t need to say it again. Zoro watched intently as Sanji spoke. He was actually taking in every word. He was really letting him just talk. That was a first. Sanji felt the need to keep explaining himself, so he did. “I’m not gonna lie, what you did was fucked up,” He looked up. Zoro looked to the side. “But, I don’t know, I guess I’m not that mad about it anymore.” Sanji was telling the truth. Yeah, he was still upset about it but he now knew it wouldn’t be detrimental like he had convinced himself it would be. The fact that Zoro was even listening to him explain this in the first place was proof of that. Sanji heard Zoro clear his throat. He guessed now it was his turn to listen.

Zoro had never been good with apologies. Probably because he hardly ever made them. It felt weird apologizing so sincerely but this time it was necessary. He felt like he needed to. He wanted to.

“I’m sorry. Like, really fucking sorry for doing that.” He exhaled. God this was hard. He took the crumpled note Sanji had thrown at him a week prior out of his pocket. He unfolded it and held it up. “I know that this was stupid. I shouldn’t have read your shit and I definitely shouldn’t have written in it.” He lowered the piece of paper and looked down at it. He laughed to himself. “Yeah, definitely shouldn’t have done that.” He mumbled. Sanji gave a weak smile and tried to suppress the emotions he felt building up. Zoro looked up at him. He looked back. “I’m god awful at this but, what I’m trying to say is just.. I’m sorry. And I hope you know that this-” He held up the note once more. “Wasn’t out of mockery. I really did just want to talk to you.” Zoro let out a breath of relief. He did it. He was finally able to apologize and have at least a little bit of weight lifted off his shoulders. Sanji hadn’t responded but at least he knew he tried.

“I know that, dumbass.” Sanji said while finding it difficult to maintain eye contact. “I said it doesn’t matter. I forgive you.. or whatever.” Zoro kept looking at him. He was mesmerizing. He knew he shouldn’t be feeling this way when he was in the midst of apologizing but there was nothing he could do to stop it. The sun kept setting and Sanji only continued to look more and more breathtaking. There were unquestionably things Zoro needed to address with himself.

Sanji caught Zoro staring. He wondered if the swordsman even heard what he said. He didn’t really care either way. Sanji much preferred this.

Zoro put his hands flat on the floor and scooted himself across the nest so he was face to face with the cook. His whole body shivered. Was it okay for him to be this close? He sure as hell hoped so, it would be a hard time trying to convince himself to move.

Sanji could feel his heart in his stomach. What was Zoro doing? Why was he so close? Why did he look so kissable? He tried to scratch that lost thought out of his brain. His heart was beating so fast he thought he might have a heart attack. Imagine him trying to explain to Chopper that he died for such an idiotic reason. He’d have to come back from the dead to try and plead his case.

Zoro took in every detail of the man in front of him. He had never done this before. He had never thought to. He looked at his face, all of it. His shining blue eyes that looked just like the ocean, his straight blonde hair that had small curls starting to show through, his one visible curly eyebrow that made him chuckle. Sanji looked away the entire time. This was too embarrassing to handle. The swordsman looked down at Sanji’s lips. He didn’t mean to but his eyes wandered there by themselves. They looked so soft. They were such a perfect shade of light pink. Zoro felt his breath get caught in his throat. Sanji glanced back at him only to realize what he was doing. Sanji’s stomach immediately filled to the brim with butterflies. He lost all feeling in his legs. He had no thoughts in his mind. The little awareness he did have left was asking over and over again if this was real.

“Hey cook?” Zoro asked, maintaining an unbroken stare at Sanji’s lips. Sanji blushed even harder. How that was possible, he had no idea. Zoro breathed in and exhaled shakily.

“Yeah?” Sanji whispered. He couldn’t manage anything more than that. That one word took all of his strength.

Zoro shifted his gaze to Sanji’s eyes. He felt himself getting lost in them. He never wanted this feeling to go away. He opened his mouth to speak.

“Can I kiss you?”

♡ Chapter Seventeen ♡

Sanji sprung back to reality. His whole body flinched and his eyes bugged out. Zoro saw this and immediately sprung back as well. Both men seemed completely off guard.

“What?!” Sanji sputtered, barely able to process what he heard. “You want to.. what?” He repeated himself. Zoro felt like he just fucked everything up. He really should’ve just kept his mouth shut. Things were going so well but of course, he had to say something stupid.

“Sorry. I didn’t- uh- oh god.” Zoro didn’t even know how to start explaining himself. He didn’t really know the reasoning himself either. The words just kind of fell out of his mouth. They felt right at that moment so he let it happen. Now he was having second thoughts.

Sanji looked at him skeptically. He took a wavering breath through his cigarette. “Did I.. hear you right?” Sanji questioned. “I- I think so.” Zoro choked. He looked to the side. He was too embarrassed to look back at Sanji.

“I didn’t know you were gay.” Sanji said, phrasing it almost like a question. Maybe it wasn’t the best thing to say at the moment but it was a valid response. This was just the cherry on top of every shocking thing that had happened recently.

“I don’t know if I am.” Zoro responded. “I don’t know what I am.. I just know… I mean, I think,” If Sanji said it, he should be able to too. There was no way he’d let that bastard cook one-up him. “I might like you too, cook.” Zoro was met back with the widest and bluest set of eyes he’d ever seen. He thought Sanji’s eyes might actually pop out of his head. His mouth opened off his own accord and the cigarette fell out of his mouth. Zoro picked it up and awkwardly placed it back in Sanji’s mouth. He tried to help but maybe he shouldn’t have, he was far from the most graceful guy on earth.

Sanji broke out of his shock and started laughing. He took the cigarette between two of his fingers and adjusted it between his teeth. “Thanks, idiot.” He said through his laughter. Zoro scratched the back of his neck. He felt so dumb. “No problem!” He said with a strained tone. Sanji continued laughing. Zoro laughed nervously alongside him until the nerves drained away. Zoro slowly stopped laughing as he watched Sanji lose his mind over the dumb action he had made. Zoro smiled. He was the prettiest thing Zoro’s ever seen. He’s almost positive his feelings aren’t just his ego talking. There was really only one way to find out, but he wasn’t going to ask again.

Sanji’s laughter began to subside as he opened his eyes again and saw the swordsman staring at him. A dark red was spread across his face. Seeing Zoro blush made Sanji blush.

It was silent. The only sounds were the soft crashing of the waves and birds cawing far away. They both looked at each other. Sanji shifted the blanket off of him and moved closer to Zoro. Zoro followed his movement and leaned in closer as well. They were inches apart.

“Moss head?” Sanji breathed. He tilted his head ever so slightly.

“Sanji?” Zoro whispered. Their noses were almost touching.

Sanji almost backed away after hearing Zoro say his name. Not only say his name but in that tone, in this context. This man was going to be the death of him. He had to act fast before he collapsed and missed this opportunity.

“If you want to kiss me, you should do it before I change my mind.” Sanji replied quietly. His words were snide but Sanji’s tone only came off as desperate. Zoro smiled.

“Guess I should stop wasting time then.” Zoro said with barely any volume.

Sanji moved his whole body closer, without moving his face away from Zoro’s. Zoro took this as a hint and put one of his hands around his waist. Sanji flinched but almost instantly eased into it. This is what he’s wanted for so long. He was so scared. Zoro used his other hand to take the cigarette out of Sanji’s mouth. He moved his face away from Sanji’s just by a few inches. Sanji complained in his mind.

Zoro pinched the cigarette between his fingers to put it out and threw it behind him. Sanji tried to hide the fact that that was one of the hottest things he’s ever seen. He doesn’t do a good job. Zoro chuckles slyly. “It was in my way.” He looks straight into Sanji’s half-lidded eyes. Sanji can’t take it anymore. He needs this. Zoro pulls Sanji closer in by the hand he has on his waist. Sanji lets out a small noise of shock and Zoro squeezes his hand in response.

Zoro moves his face back to where it was. Sanji moves in closer. Their noses touch, they pause. Neither of them ever thought that this would ever happen. Why would have the possibility of this happening ever crossed their minds? Neither of them cared. Who cared if it seemed like a far-fetched situation? It was happening. That’s all that mattered.

Zoro made the final move. He was the one who asked the question, after all.

Their lips connected and it was unlike anything either had ever experienced.

Sanji’s lips were just as soft as they looked. He tasted like cigarette smoke and expensive tea. Zoro wished he could taste it forever. He gripped Sanji’s waist as if he was going to try to leave. He prayed that he didn’t want to.

Sanji never wanted to leave this spot. He had imagined this moment a million times but he never imagined it would be as incredible as this. Despite everything he would’ve presumed about Zoro’s kissing, it was evident he knew exactly what he was doing. He kissed carefully and tenderly, with still an edge of roughness. The physical contact he was making made it all the more blissful. It was more than Sanji ever could’ve dreamt up. He couldn’t get enough. He never wanted to let go. He wanted this and so much more.

Zoro felt a hand against his cheek and he raised an eyebrow. The feeling of Sanji’s delicate palm against the side of his face felt extremely foreign, but he liked it. It felt so reassuring and loving. Zoro had never been the cheesy type but maybe Sanji would be the one to turn him. He felt all of his emotions towards the chef become validated in a split second.

Sanji is the first one to pull away, to his dismay. If only breathing wasn’t a necessary function of life. He just hoped they’d be able to resume as quickly as possible. Although, maybe they should have a conversation about this first.

Zoro looks at Sanji with half-closed eyes. He doesn’t say anything but he’s breathing heavily. His lips are flushed as well. Sanji feels his stomach churn at the sight. He hopes whatever this thing becomes doesn’t stop at just kissing. Zoro takes a deep breath in followed by a large exhale out. Sanji watches as his chest moves up and out. He catches himself staring and looks away, his gaze landing on Zoro’s smug face.

“Something else catching your interest, curly?” He asked in the slyest tone you’ve ever heard. Sanji blushed furiously. “No!” He breaks eye contact. “Shut up..” He folds his arms again. He had to tell himself not to look back, he knew Zoro would never let him live it down if he did.

Zoro laughed and moved the hand on Sanji’s waist so it fully wrapped around his torso. Sanji looked at him with a twinkle in his eye. The swordsman couldn’t help but stare in awe. How could he not have realized it before? The entire time he’d been on the same crew as this man, he never once stopped to consider that he might like him at least a little bit? How blind could he be? Sanji was wonderful. I guess it took a little more than just living with him to realize that. He was everything someone could want in a person. Zoro felt like he owed the universe for making the cook fall for him.

For once, Sanji didn’t look away. He watched as Zoro stared at him. He loved the attention he was getting. He loved feeling him against himself. This was so overwhelming but in the best way possible. He couldn’t care less about that stupid book anymore. At this moment, he could write a whole series complete with spin-offs about why he loved the man who was holding him.

Sanji coughed meekly. “So… uh… what’d ya think?” Sanji asked, hopefully. Zoro chuckled at the way Sanji phrased it. It sounded so nonchalant but he knew Sanji was hiding a plethora of feelings so that was the best he could do.

“I think…” Zoro paused and pretended like he was thinking, but he already knew his answer. “I wanna stay up here all night and help you with the night watch.” He grinned. Sanji scoffed. “Okay, sure. The “night watch”.” He replied sarcastically. “Yeah, the night watch. What would you do if a sea king attacked the ship and you were too distracted by me to fight back? I gotta be here to protect you.” He said with fake sympathy. Zoro saw a flame light in Sanji’s eye. “As if I’d be distracted by the likes of you! And I can protect myself, moss brain! I don’t need your help!” He started yelling back. Zoro laughed and put his other hand around Sanji’s waist, proceeding to swiftly lift him up into his lap. The cook immediately shut his mouth. “Oh so is this you being “not distracted”?'' Zoro teased. Sanji was blushing head to toe. “You’re the worst, you know that?” He replied, trying not to prove Zoro’s point.

Zoro smiled and his face relaxed to a tranquil expression. He laced Sanji’s bangs between his fingers and pushed it out of his face, tucking the golden lock behind his ear. Sanji looked like he was on the verge of tears. Zoro’s smile went from smug to sincere in no time at all. All he could do was look in awe.

“Woah.” Zoro couldn’t stop himself from saying. Sanji looked away in embarrassment. He hated having his hair tucked behind his ear like that, it felt weird after having it one way for so long. “You’re so… pretty, Sanji.” Zoro continued. Sanji looked back at Zoro. His bright blue eyes were swirling with clouds. He was beaming. “You too, Zoro.” he said, leaning in to steal another kiss from the swordsman. Zoro happily let him.

♡ Epilogue ♡

Neither of them let out a single yawn the whole time they were in the nest. They had each other to keep them up until sunrise. They talked about anything and everything. From stupid things like favorite colors and nonsense dreams to bouncing back and forth on why both men had grown to like each other. Zoro continued to apologize for reading Sanji’s diary and Sanji continued to forgive him. Between conversations, they’d kiss until they couldn’t anymore. Zoro couldn’t stop teasing Sanji and Sanji couldn’t bring himself to stop him. By morning they were under the blanket together, Sanji’s head rested on Zoro’s chest while the swordsman had his arm wrapped around his cook. They mutually decided to worry about the crew when the time came to cross that bridge. For now, they were both in heaven and couldn’t be bothered to worry about anything other than each other. As Sanji moved to the rhythm of Zoro’s breathing, he decided that when they got to their destination he’d buy a new book. A book that would be filled with two different colors of pen. A new book for a new beginning.