#and I AM SO DISTRACTED BY IT - I KEEP SINGING THE LYRICS LIKE WHEN I WAS 16

[miyakuli]

5mns since I started the game and I am already attacked by a wave of nostalgia, hearing the dango theme playing in the back *sob*

[theladyofmanyfandomsfanfiction]

Imagine singing about Shanks when you think he’s not listening…

You were purposely drowning yourself in as much booze as possible just to avoid noticing Shanks on the other side of the bar. He had been roped into a conversation with some flirty local and it made your heart sink when you saw him smile, clearly enjoying what he was being given.

You rolled your eyes and began chugging another pint that was on the table. A shoulder bumped into you with a hearty laugh and you looked up at Benn Beckman. He knew how you felt about the Red-Haired Captain. So when he saw your drunken state, his eyes flicked over to Shanks and he had half a mind to knock him around the head.

Shanks was brilliant at a great many things but he was an absolute idiot when it came to love. What made the evening worse was that he knew that Shanks was in love with you. The man had too many tell-tales and Beckman was certain that his friend was chatting up the local in a desperate effort to not think about you.

Beckman offered a kind smile and pushed away the empty glass from your reach. "Why don't you join us over there? Yassop is going to take the stage and sing - should be a good laugh."

With a sigh, you accepted and followed your friend, unaware of the glance the captain had sent your way when he noticed the movement. One word from Benn and the rest of the crew worked well in keeping you distracted and soon your stomach was hurting from all the tom-foolery.

Your laughs were soon cut short when you were thrown under the bus. Unsure of who had requested it, you suddenly found yourself walking to the front of the bar and placed upon the pedestal - a live band of musicians behind, geared and ready to play.

In your intoxicated state, you plucked up the courage and recited the lyrics to something that you had been crafting in the privacy of your cabin on the Red Force. You promised it would never see the light of day. But what did it matter? The pirate you had fallen in love with was busy with a stranger - what else did you have to lose?

“Blue as the wings of a heron in the night…” you began to the steady drums. “Like the rising of the tide on the shores of Isle Skye.”

You immersed yourself in the notes, closing your eyes to let the tune out as it tangled with your feelings. You imagined every glance you had stolen of the red-haired pirate when he wasn’t looking. The way he smiled, how he carried his easy laughs, or simply the kindness in his eyes when they met yours.

“I fell astray but in you I have found, that I am ever bound to your hazel eyes.”

To taken by the moment, you didn't realise how the rowdy bar had calmed to listen and you never saw the way Shanks lowered the drink from his lips. He felt drawn in by your voice and moved away from the flirty local, his feet finding their way closer to you.

Then, in his alcohol buzzed mind, he registered the lyrics. Hazel eyes. Shanks felt his heart swell with a secret hope that it was his that you sang of. By the seas he was madly in love with you. He spent so much time in your company and yet, he failed to voice his true feelings.

Across the room, you had finished and were busy being praised by friends and strangers alike. Beckman glanced over to the Captain and saw the daze in his eyes once more but when he also noticed the uncertainty behind his eyes, the First Mate made a note to have stern words with the man about confronting what he was feeling or risk losing you altogether.

A/n: Inspired by the lyrics to Hazel Eyes by Sabrina Jordan. If you haven’t heard it, take a listen. It’s so dreamy and beautiful.

~ More imagines here ~

[tsukimara]

-ˏˋ⋆➔ Hanako!Venti x gn!reader ⭒

-ˏˋ⋆➔ Genres: Hcs, fluff ⭒

-ˏˋ⋆➔ Hanako From Jshk/tbhk

-ˏˋ⋆➔ Warnings: None! ⭒

-ˏˋ⋆➔ A/N: I need to read tbhk again, last time I read it was 3 years ago. Maybe I will do part 2, hm?

• Surely your first meeting was in the bathroom of the old school building.

• He will scratch his neck awkwardly when he accidentally scares you (He didn't do it on purpose).

• It was hard for you to tell at first whether he was a girl or a boy but later you could tell from the voice.

• "Hey, am I that scary?"

• "...You are a boy?!"

• He will forgive you if you make him apple donuts.

• True, he grants wishes but it also depends on what kind of wish you make. If it's quite simple it will probably work, if not it will be a little problem but he will try to help you anyway.

• If you are quite close he may tell you little bits of his past but not in detail or things he doesn't want to talk about (Still an achievement).

• PLEASE make him apple donuts, they don't even have to be donuts, it can be something else related to apples, however apple donuts would be the best choice.

• This boy will be happy all day long, even though he would rather eat them all, he will give them to you too because after all you made them for HIM.

• Privacy? What's that? Venti loves affection so expect hugs! The good thing is that he's a ghost so people in your class won't see him sticking up to you.

• Of course he will let you go when he sees that you feel uncomfortable and he will apologize to you. Next time he will remember to ask you.

• Be careful because Venti may disturb you a bit during the lesson, for example by trying to make you laugh. This boy loves your smile!

• Even if you keep your head down, he will find a way to make you look at him. It might cause you to start laughing in the middle of the lesson and everyone will look at you strangely. During the break he will start flying away from you, laughing when you try to catch up with him.

• Don't be surprised if you come back home and find in your notebooks his poems or song lyrics special to you. They are so cute and lovely that sometimes you think they are not for you.

• "Is this really for me?"

• "Who else is it for, silly? Of course it's for you! Awww did you like it??"

• He'll love to hear about your interests and even tell you about his own! You will certainly be talking on the school rooftop or in the bathroom.

• Okay, okay but do you guys remember when Hanako kissed Yashiro on the cheek to cast a protection spell on her? OMGGG Imagine Venti doing that on you!!!

• I'm sure that when you finish all your classes or cleaning the bathroom, he will walk you to the school gate and blow you a kiss once you're out of the school grounds.

• When you enter the bathroom you can see him on the floor defeated by Mokke in a card game. He claims they are invincible because they cheat, but he whispered it to you so that Mokke's army wouldn't suddenly attack him.

• If you have any questions he will be happy to answer them but not all of them about his life, he will try to keep you busy with something else.

• "So... What were you like when you were alive?"

• "Y/N it's time to clean the bathroom! I'd love to sing to you while you work!"

• He saw the dissatisfaction on your face, but what could he do?

• If by some miracle you meet his twin, and let's be honest, you definitely will, whether you want to or not, Venti's behavior will become more serious.

• He didn't want you to meet his twin, especially on such a quiet and amazing day. You could see how Venti was uncomfortable around him and kept you away.

• Even if you were to ask about his brother, that's a topic he won't tell you about (yet) and he doesn't know if he ever wants to tell you. He will most likely hide it with a smile and distract you.

• He may be jealous! But he doesn't really show it, although you can still tell he is. He will pull you away from that person by saying he wants to show you something or that he has a gift for you. He will also start teasing you to get your attention.

• "Come on Y/N. I'm sure your friend won't mind if I steal you away for a while!"

-ˏˋ⋆➔ Genshin Impact Masterlist

-ˏˋ⋆➔ Masterlist

-ˏˋ⋆➔ Rules request

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Walking on Sunshine 1

Sister series to Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows

Warnings: non/dubcon, antisocial behaviour, and other dark elements. My username actually says you never asked for any of this.

Characters: God The Bounty Hunter x reader

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging.

You hum as you enter the break room. The aroma of dark roast tickles your nose as your eyes narrow in on the kettle. You’re not much of a coffee drinker, you're one of the few in the office who enjoy the packets of hot cocoa they keep in the big glass jar. You keep a stash of your own special flavours in your desk for particularly dull days.

As you cross the room, you slip and throw out your arm to keep from landing on your butt. You set your feet straight, gripping your mug tight as you’re near-shatter experience courses through you icily. That was too close.

You look down at your feet and the small puddle of coffee there. How irresponsible. Someone spilled and didn’t even clean it up. You could’ve been really hurt. In fact, you think you pulled something.

You take careful steps and trade your mug for the roll of paper towel. You set to cleaning up the mess, sopping it up with the cheap two-ply. You take a handful of soaked paper towels and dump them in the bin. You rinse your hands and flip on the kettle, shaking off the last of your adrenaline.

You tap your fingers on the counter top as you wait for the water to boil. You take one of the cardboard stir sticks and keep the rhythm against the brim of your cup. The apple-shaped mug is one of your favourites, though a bit more teacherly than office dweller.

You tear open a packet as the kettle begins to tremble. You let out a few lyrics without thinking as the dang earworm won’t leave your head. “I used to think maybe you loved me, now baby, I’m su-u-ure…’ You’re not much of a singer and it’s terribly off key but you could dance right there.

You pour the powder into your cup and add the hot water. You switch between singing and humming the words you don’t know. The chocolatey smell tugs at your empty stomach and you lift up your mug happily, turning on your heel only to stop short.

Your lyrics almost turn to a scream as you find someone watching you. You’re embarrassed to think they witnessed your little karaoke session. You give a sheepish smile and adjust your grip on the mug handle.

“Uh, hi, I’m sorry, I didn’t hear… I didn’t think anyone else was around,” you eke out, swallowing a giggle at yourself.

The man just stares. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t move. You’re choked by his stagnant silence. Your cheeks twitch as you fight to hold your smile in the wilting tension.

“Anyway…” your voice quakes, “it’s all yours, I’m just going to go back to my desk.”

You slowly cross the floor, watching him as his eyes follow you. There’s no expression around his alert eyes. He’s just staring. At you. Gaze following you diligently to the door. You smile a bit bigger before you dip out into the hallway.

His blue irises are stamped into your mind. Brilliant and bold. Eyes that say much more than he did.

You think you recognize him but don’t think much about it. The office is big and it feels like you see new faces every day and forget just as many. You’ve never been very good with names either.

You finally catch your breath as you get back to your cubicle. The unusual encounter flits away as you refocus on your work. You wiggle your foot and fidget in your chair, the squeaking of the old wheels drawing the agitated sighs of your neighbour. You still and glance over as a streak of colour distracts you.

That girl again. The one in the bright sweater. Her clothes are so cute. Your own style is eclectic in a different way; thrift store chic, you call it. You smile as her bubbly gait bobs a few rows down from you and she disappears back into the corporate zoo. 

You haven’t made any work friends, people just seem to tolerate you but she seems cool. You’re a bit too shy to introduce yourself as you think you have a few years on her. You don’t want to come off desperate or anything.

You exhale wistfully and make yourself go back to your emails. You really need to stop getting so easily off track. You can’t handle another poor performance review. 

You swivel back and as you go to rest your chin in your hand, you nearly yipe. Your eyes round and you sit up straight. That man! He’s watching you again. He sips from a gray mug as your lips part cluelessly. Why is he doing that?

You look over your shoulders, checking if perhaps he is looking at someone or something else. There’s nothing but a cubicle wall. You turn back and he’s gone. Huh?

You’re thinking too much. He probably just saw something else. Besides, people don’t notice you. Only when you do something wrong.

You swallow and look down at your hot chocolate. You lift it and blow over the top, tentatively sipping from the hot porcelain. Mmm, it always makes everything better. 

[briebysabs]

Since I am such a normal individual I’ve decided to attempt breaking down vanoé’s character song “Le Formidable”. I don’t hear much talk about it but the lyrics are just as cryptic and wild as the OP/ED.

Before we get into it, in terms of translation, I could only find one on YouTube that thankfully color-coded the lyrics so I could decipher who sings what. If anyone has any other translations, I’d love to know please. So a bunch of the lines you can kinda figure out who’s singing but here’s how it’s gonna be:

Vanitas =💙

Noé =💜

Vanoe= 💙💜

Simple enough let’s get into it :)

💜: /I want to stay in bed feeling the warmth of the sun and drift in and out of this sweet dream/

Already we’ve mentioned dreaming, a running theme in this song. There is the well-known line Teacher says in chapter 55...

Sleeping, specifically in regards to Noé, is something mochijun makes the audience take note. He can’t sleep without holding something. When he can’t fall asleep, it is highlighted like the night Vanitas rejected Noé drinking his blood. He doesn’t want Vanitas to disappear and I personally like how in the recent chapter, Vanitas stays by his side for a while. Almost like callback to that moment on the train but I’m getting carried away. You get the correlation I’m making, it’ll get very important later on.

We also have those warmth and sun connections to Noé, a large part of his character and Vanitas’ gravitation towards him.

💙: /With this grey weather today, this day will go by without any harmony/

We see Vanitas’ pessimistic outlook on life; grey, cloudy, devoid of color. Devoid of comfort and obviously these two contrasting people will clash but mix together throughout the song.

💜: /Tarte Tatin, Altus Paris! Endless interesting things!/

💙: /It’s always like this! Here and there, endlessly losing sight./

This seems pretty straightforward, Noé is getting distracted by all the wonderful things as usual and Vanitas chastises him. But let’s frame this another way, Noé is choosing to not focus. It’s simpler that way. He’s turning his focus elsewhere to better things, more pleasant things. And Vanitas is trying to wake him up. I’ll explain more in my theory soon.

💜: /What to look for today from this city/

💙: /Ah with all these things/

💙💜: /There is no time to rest/

Simple lyrics here. No comment.

💙💜: /Le formidable! Le formidable! It’s really easy. Just colliding, rolling down, and repeating again/

Here we are entering the chorus. There’s a common thread of repetition in every OP and ED in VnC. Like clockwork, these two have fallen into this pattern.

Colliding- Vanoé meeting, two worlds learning how to come together, joining as one

Rolling down- their downfall, incoming despair and tragedy

Repeating again- they find themselves back where they started, fated to be born and to die

Let me say the first part of my theory and keep this in the back of your head while remembering the lyrics: VnC is not a time loop in the traditional sense but rather a loop of memories. Also keep in mind the first ED Zero: “Now I remember, oh I have never lived a day without you. Untie the layer of memories...”

💙: /This worthless-/

💜: /wonderful-/

💙💜: /world we are walking on. Even not knowing is sometimes nice, right?/

Again, vanoé with different outlooks on life meet each other. But more importantly, we see the display of ignorance or blissful unawareness. We the audience have a vague idea on how this story ends and in a way, so do they. Vanitas knows very well he is doomed and has already entrusted Noé to end his life if it comes to it. But we also don’t know the specifics of their downfall and neither do they.

So this line has a double meaning that refers to the characters and the reader. As yeah it is nice to read vnc and enjoy the happy moments without knowing the painful details of what’s to come.

💜: /Over there something is flapping their wings/

💙: /And these uncountable days pass by. It’s not worth worrying about. So many unknown things, without meaning/

💜: /Escalier! I want to see the bright colors beyond!/

Noé, again giving his attention to supposedly insignificant things as Vanitas tends to see the larger picture, not caring for the mundane. Uncountable days can be matched with the grey weather mentioned earlier. But that also means things are murky, blur together, cloudy. They don’t make sense to Vanitas (such as love, his self-worth, the nature within people) while Noé wants to experience all the brightness of the world.

💙: /I told you to be quiet today, yet here we are!/

💜: /Now you loud person!/

💙💜: /I told you I hardly have time to breathe/

So, hypothetical scenario if we take this song literal: Vanoé is exploring the city because Noe wanted to Vanitas couldn’t say no. Vanitas is fed up and Noé thinks his complaints are aggravating. But this part shows a lack of understanding. They’re yelling about their own hardships but don’t see the other’s perspective.

💙💜: /Le formidable! Le formidable! It’s a simple thing. It’s just finding, losing sight and repeating again/

💜: /I want to dream/

💙: /It’s just a dream/

💙💜: /The world keep walking while not knowing the truth at this point/

Ok there’s a lot to dig our teeth in here. First of all, the finding, losing sight, repeating is another way of describing the colliding and rolling down said prior. Vanoe find each other, they lose each other, it’s fated to happen all over again. Now the big piece here, I want to dream/It’s just a dream. Surface-level interpretation > another instance of their differences. Noé wants be surrounded by dreams and wonder. While Vanitas looks at that beauty and scoff at it, since it isn’t real therefore not worth caring for. But if we read into this carefully, Noé wants to dream. He wants to stay in these memories, he doesn’t want to live in a world without Vanitas.

Let’s go back to OP 1: “I love this world and the light only you give me.”

We know OP 1 is Noe’s POV so let’s ask ourselves why would the Noé we are seeing, the one smiling at all the colors of the world say Vanitas is the only light he has (emphasis on “only”). Because the Noé singing the first OP is operating with far more knowledge and despair. We don’t know the truth at this point. “This world” is not real.

Allow me to offer what I think is happening. Noé and Vanitas meet, they go on this journey of understanding, trust, and love, Vanitas reaches his end and is killed by Noé. Noé lives on. We can tell the Noé writing this story is full of regret and sadness. But why is he writing this all down? He’s retelling the memories, putting them down physically on paper. Two things happened:

a) He exchanged his name with Naenia, wishing to remain in a world with Vanitas in it. Because that wish is still very present, Naenia has great interest in Noé. She mentions seeing him before in Louis but it could be a classic mochijun misdirect and it’s actually from receiving his name in a different iteration. There is that official art with Noé wearing Vanitas’ coat with that goat entity he saw in Gevaudan, pinned to his vest.

However this can only work if Naenia is still around and isn’t resolved/defeated in the memoirs.

b) This is more likely in my opinion. Noé uses the Books and the memoirs act as a catalyst for him to have the world become his memories or for him to live in them. I know only those with blue blood or something can use the books.

Which is why Dr. Moreau had those experiments with Vanitas and Misha. Don’t worry, I already have a theory that Archivistes are some form of blue moon vampires but that is a whole other discussion. Point is, I think the Books of Vanitas are like an Elliot sword situation. Yes, Elliot owns the Nightray sword and carries it around but you don’t know its true purpose in the story until Leo wields it.

Noé causes these memories to replay, perhaps to save Vanitas or simply to dream again. Go back to when he was last happy. But here’s the thing, the Noé in this memory is unaware or ignorant of this, sees his present world as the real one and undergoes the events of the series. Vanitas dies, he lives on, and creates a memory world for himself. Rinse, recycle, repeat. Essentially, the first ED gave it away. The entirety of VnC is a layer of memories. Even the narrator Noé we are hearing is a memory that is trying to manifest a world of his own.

Reality and dreams are all intertwined now and Noé got lost in it. There are leaks in the cracks, for example when Vanitas cries and tells Luna his mother died at childbirth why would he call to her. Initially, you can read this as he’s just missing what he never had. But what if Vanitas’ mother was present in his life 9 memory loops ago but because these memories get further from the truth the more it happens, Noé simply forgot that detail when making the memoirs at some point in time. So now, in the memory layer #52 Vanitas has no mother.

💜: /We will see what we “cannot see”/

💙: /We will know what we “don’t know”/

💙💜: /The final stop of this world that seems to be changing, seems only further ahead/

Noe’s line possibly goes into his Archiviste nature and how he experiences reading memories. It can as well build back into the dream/memory loop thing, he’s seeing things he can no longer “see.”

Vanitas’ line can be drawn to what Noé said during their fight.

Vanitas acts like he has the final word and has a full grasp of how this world/himself works. But he really doesn’t and Noé is living proof of that, proving him wrong on several occasions that there’s still hope, they can’t give up yet, he won’t leave him etc. The final stop of this world is changing, but it’s further ahead. This is a story, a preserved section of time from the past. We gotta ask ourselves... why would the last stop be changing? Again, Vanitas’ death is the final stop but it’s changing, perhaps from the countless iterations we’ve gone through Noé writes the memoirs in a way that delays the ending. So he could remain just a little longer…

💙💜: /Le formidable! Le formidable! Everything is fine. While forgetting, hiding, and repeating it/

💙: /This worthless/

💜: /wonderful/

💙💜: /world we are walking on/

💙: /I don’t know but even so/

💜: /If it can make you smile.../

After this, it ends the song by repeating the first chorus with the colliding-rolling down part so I’ll make this the cutting point. The “everything is fine” totally doesn’t stick out in a story where we know everything will not be fine. The forgetting and hiding goes back to my dream-memory theory, Noé is hiding from the truth in these stacks upon stacks of memories and is possibly forgetting things as they really happened as a result. We already know he isn’t the most reliable narrator. But Noé wants to see Vanitas’ smile.

If it can make you smile again, if it can replay your laughter, why would I ever leave this wonderful lie? In OP 1: “Your laughing was reflected by a daydream”.

I’ll conclude this by saying two things. If you want to get even deeper, you can interpret Vanitas in this song as the voice in the back of Noé’s head. Its just a dream, this world is actually worthless, and Noé is trying to drown out those thoughts. Because yeah they sing lines together but the only time they’re directly speaking to each other is when Vanitas scolds Noé and Noé shouts back, calling him loud. Finally, I could be wrong in all this. I am aware how crazy I may look and I'm so thankful if you read this far.

But yeah if this is anywhere near canon, mochijun must be the most unhinged, absolutely cracked author I’ve ever seen. We’re going into Pandora Hearts levels of intricacy here. I hope you enjoyed my insanity 👍🏼

[wayfayrr]

I feel because of the chain having a lot of fights as strangers and since reader would be seeing wind sulking after when they have to leave since the other links are getting physical and because of that I would believe there be a lot of days where the links and reader would just have a movie night just some time to not think of the world for reader while feeding the chain's curiosity of this world. So I give you this, reader showing wind the pirates of the Caribbean trilogy.

So I hope you don't mind, I've written this as a sort of continuation of one of your recent asks where reader took Wind to the beach as a reward, but since the rest of the chain decided to argue and ruin it - he gets a private movie night instead!

“I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with your dad arguing with every single living being Wind, I mean I know he’s getting better but you shouldn’t have to deal with it all the time.”

“Is that why you set all of this up [name], because he keeps arguing all the time? Are Wild and Calm gonna join us as well then?”

“Wild said they wanted to try and get closer to Sage actually. They’re doing their own thing, right now I’m focused on cheering you up kiddo. Don’t think I didn’t see you sulking when your day was ruined.”

He’s got his typical pout back, so clearly what I said was right even if he won’t say it aloud, Wind’s fairly easy to read like that. Asides from his very blatant dislike of the beach day being ruined by sage and time getting into a full-blown fight, he seems very pleased with the fact he gets my attention to himself like this. Burying himself in the pillow fort I made on the bed with a smile shows that clearer than day. 

“So we're going to spend the night talking and eating a bunch of snacks?”

“A bit more than that, I’d like to show you some of my favourite films. I think you’ll love them even more than I do though.”

Setting this all up was far more complicated than I would’ve thought originally, and I’ll have to thank Wild for offering to distract Sage long enough so he won’t disturb us when we’re watching one of the best trilogies of all time, I’m sure I can come up with something to thank him. Right now my focus is all on Wind, and making up for his day being ruined; captain jack sparrow always helped cheer me up whenever I got upset so it should help Wind. Poor kid deserves to have some kind of reward for adjusting to his new life this well and as his parent, it falls to me to make sure he gets one that’s right for how incredible he’s being. 

“So what are they about [name]! Is it one of those family traditions you said you were going to teach me, Wild and Calm!”

“No it’s not a tradition, and I wouldn’t be teaching you without your brothers either Wind.”

“You didn’t say what it’s going to be about though. Please [name]?”

Ruffling his hair with a laugh, settling next to him with the remote in my hand ready to show him something I was saving to cheer up a bad day. Making it beyond perfect for this exact moment. With the fog on the screen showing a ship emerge with the eerie singing, Wind’s attention was instantly hooked when he heard the faint lyrics of a pirate's life for me. Good, This is what he deserves after everything else. He’s more focused on this than anyone would have thought possible. Now I just hope he doesn’t have a Jack sparrow like I did the first time I ever saw this film, with his natural energy I don’t think any of us could survive that. After the escape and the botched execution of Jack with will turner saving his life I heard the first thing out of Wind since the film started.

“THAT WAS AWESOME!!! AND YOU SAID THERE’S MORE!!!”

“There’s still another two films to go kiddo, you sure you’re up for that?” “DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK!! OF COURSE, I AM!!”

“So you wanna start the next one straight away?”

“COME ONNNN! I REALLY WANNA WATCH IT!”

“Alright kiddo, just don’t exhaust yourself you can ask me to pause it if you want to eat something.”

After watching the next two films, I can safely say I’m exhausted even though Wind still seems ready to watch more. Wait no, scratch that he looks like he could pass out at any moment, he’s barely keeping himself awake. 

“‘M ready to go to bed now I think [name], do you mind if I-”

And there he goes, he didn’t even manage to finish his sentence before falling asleep. I’m just glad I managed to cheer him up after the failure of today. I’ll be careful not to wake him now. After all, I know better than to wake a man when he's sleepin'. It's bad luck.

[harrytheehottie]

SPINNING OUT: COACHELLA

rated: m word count: 6.6k masterlist

this is first part of a multi-part series. let me know what you think 💘 hope you enjoy!

It was your first big project at work, the upcoming release for Harry Styles’ third studio album. You had the pleasure of being invited to a playback a few weeks prior to the launch where you listened to the full album in a conference room filled with your peers. It had been your first playback experience and you were itching with excitement all day patiently waiting for it to be time to attend the playback.

When you entered the conference room, it didn’t feel like the dozens of rooms you had meetings in before. All of the chairs and tables were replaced with floor pillows and throw blankets. There were candles spread out along the TV where you would be projecting the album from, charcuterie plates and drinks to consume and a box to place your phones in upon entry. You took a seat close enough to the front so you would be able to listen to the album without any distractions. This was one of your most highly anticipated albums of the year which was something you kept to yourself due to the incessant teasing you would definitely receive from your coworkers. 

You watched as your peers began to funnel into the room and take their seats. Your boss went through the routined speech on how everyone's phones should be placed in the box and there will be zero sharing of anything heard with anyone outside of this room. And just before they hit play on the first song, the door to the room opened one last time. This time it wasn’t your notoriously late coworker but none other than the man whose song you were about to listen to, Harry Styles. Everyone in the room turned their heads towards the door and it felt like something of a movie, all eyes were immediately on him. His chestnut hair was grown out and sat on the top of his head with a scrunchie, he had on a black label hoodie and sweats to match. It was definitely the most relaxed you had ever seen an artist rock up to your job but there was something kind of admirable about it. And you thought, maybe the ambiance of the room and the album title was the reason why he dressed so casually. He apologized for being late before taking a seat in the back corner. Something about him just felt so comfortable. You turned your attention back to the TV that was going to start playing the album and tried your hardest to ignore the butterflies in your stomach. 

The opening chords of the album began and you immediately wanted to get up and start dancing, something you knew you couldn’t do but what you could do was move side to side as inconspicuous as possible. The ad libs, scatting and overall randomness of the track has you feeling good. You weren’t sure where the album was going but you were already feeling good about it. The next track felt the same to you. It wasn’t until the third track where you actually felt the emotion and weight of the words he was singing back ‘there’s never been someone whose so perfect for me, but I got over it” was a brutal line and one that stuck out to you enough to write down in your journal when you got back to your desk. 

You were feeling the music while trying to keep your outward appearance at bay. Something was telling you to turn back around and look at Harry. You had been pretty good at avoiding the thought of his presence but there was something pulling you in. The opening chords to the next song with the following lyrics “you got a new life, am I bothering you, do you wanna talk” came on and you were taken aback like a punch in the gut. His raw emotion on the track and the desperation in his voice in all of these songs was nothing like you had heard before. You looked behind you and caught the eyes of Harry who had already been looking your way. No, you weren’t going to allow yourself to go there. 

You let yourself take in the rest of the album. Trying your hardest to repeat lyrics that were standing out to you to remember for later when you’d be hunched over your desk scribbling as many lines as you could remember until your journal eagerly waiting for the day you would be able to listen to the album on loop.

As the playback came to an end the entire room clapped as he shyly bowed his head down. You didn’t know him at all but the gesture was enough for you to make your first assumption. His inability to take in too much praise is probably what kept him grounded enough to be an artist at his caliber and attend a playback in tier B level music magazines offices. You had your run ins with a fair share of artists but there was something about him that was different and you could immediately feel it. And as if he could read your mind, right as they opened the door to the conference room to let everyone back to their work, Harry stood in the doorway, shaking the hands of your colleagues and giving them personal thank you’s on their way out. 

Suddenly, those butterflies you felt in the pit of your stomach came flushing back. You counted the number of people in front of you and watched intently as they one by one had a moment with Harry, he must have done this all the time, it felt like an autoresponder was turned around the amount of ‘thank you mates’ and ‘lovely to meet you’ he was handing out. 

You were growing more nervous as the line in front of you got smaller, now more aware of the fact that the only people left behind you were your boss and other higher ups. People who definitely weren’t as nervous and have some sort of working relationship with him. Fuck, you thought to yourself as your rubbed your sweaty palms against your jeans, okay the game plan had to be you shake hands, say nice to meet you, love the album and keep it moving or completely avoid shaking of hands because sweaty palms and just say nice to meet you, love the album and keeping it moving. 

It was down to one person in front of you, Abby from the PR department and you watched as Harry looked her in the eyes deeply like whatever she was saying to him was the only important thing in the world. The cynical part of your brain was telling you of course he’s going to be that way to the employee who is the head of publicity. That's what this industry was about the give and take. Just as she said her final goodbyes and walked towards her desk it was your turn to go up to him. 

You took a deep breath in and out before walking towards him with a smile and your right hand ready to shake his that was firmly placed in front of his body, 

“Thank you so much for stopping by, I really loved the album. That song where you talked about drinking wine alone in the garden and the one that had that line about karma those two instantly spoke to me. It really feels like a cohesive body of work and you should really be proud of yourself for creating this and It’s really nice to meet you and” You spoke a mile a minute, unaware of how much was coming out of your mouth and how fast you were saying the words before being cut off by Harry

“Slow down love, only me.” Harry spoke up, the dimples on his face more present than you imagined them to be as he broke out into a soft chuckle, it wasn’t until now that you realized your right hand was still in his and his left was holding your right arm up. 

“Oh,” You paused suddenly, aware of all the things happening around you. “Sorry, I just had this monologue ready and I guess the nerves got to me which is probably something I shouldn’t have just said.”

That same dimpled smile washed over his face and you thought back to his interactions with Abby and how it looked like she was the only person in the world when he was talking to her and suddenly, you were more aware of his eyes and how they’re so green and even under this awful office lighting you could see little bits of gold and blue. 

“You’re quite funny,” Harry said, getting you out of your head. You had to get yourself out of the situation - he was still holding onto you. You looked around the room to your boss and other higher ups, 

“I’m going to…” you removed your hand from his, giving him one more smile and you could have sworn you heard him ask your boss for your name but you made a beeline towards your desk thinking about the impression you’ve definitely made already.

&&

You were tasked with all social media across all areas of the magazine. Highly anticipated release days meant you were on your phone constantly. And the release of As It Was was no different - if anything, it was harder. You had everything pre saved. The music video and single were both released on Friday, April 1. You had a feed post, a story question box and a reel all ready. 

So, when it was midnight in the UK and 5pm for you at home and you were sitting in the everyday Sunset Boulevard traffic after work. Every stoplight meant you were constantly refreshing, posting, engaging and making sure everything was how it was supposed to be. You put a story box question to your followers with the question: BOP or FLOP? Every New Music Friday to get engagement from your audience and see what they’d like covered more in the future. It was routine. 

The third red light was when the notification crossed your phone. You couldn’t believe it. There was no way, no one but the people that follow your magazine would ever interact with it.

Until now. 

harrystyles has responded to your question box 

Right there. One word. Three letters and a period. His black & white icon. The username with the verified blue check that you had to quadruple check. 

Bop. 

&&

“Is this a joke?” You walked over to your bosses office and showed him the email that just came across your desk, a request for you to profile Harry Styles. 

“Nope, it’s yours if you want it. I guess you left quite the impression last week.”

“I don’t like what you’re implying,” you rolled your eyes at the suggestion although you weren’t surprised.

“I’m not implying anything he specifically asked for you last week, had his manager call me to ask if it was in your job description.”

You were processing what he just said. Harry wanted you to profile him off two minute interaction that from your memory left you looking like a mess who couldn’t get her act together around him.

“Why?” You asked.

“Don’t know you could say no, I’m sure they’ll understand. They want it to be a profile over the next few months and your first assignment would be Coachella which begins in,” he took a pause looking at his iCalendar before continuing, “a little under two weeks. It could be kind of fun and honestly, would be amazing for your career.” 

You knew this opportunity was something that you had been working towards. A profile on one of the biggest celebrities out there but there was some doubt that was creeping in not allowing you to fully accept this moment for what it was. “I’ll have an answer by tomorrow,” you told your boss and he agreed to let Harry’s team know.

You walked back to your desk and thought back to your interaction with him, reading the email back a few times, a profile that starts with his headlining set at Coachella as your first ever celebrity profile. It felt too good to be true. 

But, you still said yes. 

&&

You didn’t want to go into this weekend too jaded. You knew that every profile has an angle but you were going to allow the conversation to lead you there. Harry Styles was having arguably the biggest year of his career. A headlining gig, a new album, a world tour, residencies in 4 cities across America and two movies. His career was one that you followed semi regularly, you worked in music journalism and he was the star of his former group and it was hard to miss. You spent days trying to figure out what you were going to ask about; the forced pause of lockdown, the relationship that everyone was eager to pick apart, the decision to continue to work through the lockdowns and come back to a highly successful tour in the US. 

He was interesting and you were interested. The nerves that you felt would always creep in as you watched compilation videos of him on Youtube (you limited yourself after three) and read other journalists profiles on him which to your surprise there were only a few. He was guarded, protective but you had it in you to break down the walls and get a great piece. 

You spent the week prior rummaging through your closet and a fair share of trips to the mall before packing all your belongings in your car and taking the two to five hour (depending on traffic) drive down to Palm Springs. The entire car ride was spent shuffling through music, podcasts and audiobooks and trying your hardest not to think too hard. 

You were cruising down the highway when you saw the first glimpse of Harry’s billboard. A picture of me reading on a bed in a field, same outfit as the album cover with another casual jeans and a striped top. The image was inviting and right below it in yellow font read the words “Wherever you go, There you are.” 

You pulled into the La Quinta resort that they put you up in and for the first time in a week you felt like you deserved to be there. As you settled in for the night rereading the email that Jeff had sent over along with Harry’s publicist about the parameters of the profile. You began curating starter questions based around the list of do’s and don’ts. You were ready for this. 

You woke up fairly early that Friday morning, Harry’s manager sent you an email to let you know that all your credentials were ready to be picked up and your call time to start the interview was at 5. You got yourself dressed in a white dress with a denim jacket for when the weather dropped drastically as soon as the sun went down and headed towards the festival. Once you picked up your credentials, you spent a little bit of time roaming around the festival grounds. You watched as the lines for Harry’s merch stand kept growing longer and longer, friends taking group photos, strangers gathering to enjoy the music that brought them so much joy. You had your notebook with you that you used for all your assignments and just took notes of everything that you saw. 

It was nearing closer to your call time and you knew you had to give yourself time to get something to eat. There was something very intimidating about crossing over to the VIP area even though you were allowed. You were still nervous of who you could run into but after seeing how obnoxiously long the lines were in the GA for food, decided to say fuck it and cross the barrier over to where they would hopefully be more food options and less people. 

You were right about the food but the area was littered with artists and their teams everywhere. If you thought you were a fish out of water before this was next level. You found food and beeline for the first empty picnic table you could find. You had an hour to kill before you had to interview Harry so as you began to eat your meal you noticed the group of people having a very passionate conversation a few tables in front of you. 

You were a journalist and a human being so of course naturally, you were going to eavesdrop.

You couldn’t see either of their faces. The one that was talking the most had his back facing towards you. You couldn’t really make out what they were saying at first. Until, they both got up from their tables and walked over to outside of the tent probably to get more privacy for their conversation. And that was when you noticed him, in a hoodie that you recognized from his merch stand, paired with tiny athletic shorts and very dirty sneakers that were probably once white and a blue surgical mask tucked underneath his chin. The man that he was with was his manager, Jeff that you met that day in playbacks and had been in constant communication with about the logistics of today.

You felt uneasy. You knew that you shouldn’t have been eavesdropping before but now more than ever you knew that you shouldn’t have. It wasn’t as bad because you couldn’t hear right? 

Unti, you probably heard the most crucial part of the conversion. 

“I’m done, I’m done with all of it.”

“H, man… the movie won't come out for another few months. You don’t have to be together but I don’t know how to deal with this?” His manager spoke up.

“My hearts not in it Jeffrey, I can’t pretend. You can figure it out no one has to know right away.” The two men began to walk towards Harry’s trailer that was conveniently parked adjacent to the tent. 

You knew you heard something that you shouldn’t have. Harry’s relationship that brought on a lot of drama, headlines and gossip was now over. And it was definitely something you were explicitly asked not to discuss, in fact, it was the first thing his manager brought up in your brief. 

Why the hell did you say yes to this?

&&

Harry’s assistant found you at your table a little bit before your call time. He was nice and quiet and let you know the logistics of the day. You were going to interview Harry until he had to get into hair & makeup. You were invited into all areas of Harry’s day until he got on stage where then you would be able to watch the show from the side stage or the friends & family artists section. You thanked him for giving you all the information that you needed and then you were off to find Harry’s trailer. 

Harry was sitting on the couch, relaxed, his legs spread, his left foot was up over his right knee. He had on a pair of black uggs and the same sweatshirt now paired with a sunflower hat that he was wearing when you awkwardly saw him talking with his manager. The nerves that you were ignoring suddenly simmering back up to the surface. 

The trailer was temporary but homely. A similar feel to the aura your company tried to create during those playbacks. The couch that was a grayish color was brightened up by two Gucci pillows with a respective lion on it, similar to the lion ring that you noticed on his right pinky finger. There was a throw blanket, a gaming console with the latest FIFA on the tv he would later confess he was quite shit at it but some of the guys liked to play it on the road so he always had it handy, and the last personal touch was a framed family photo of one of the last times he saw his Grandfather. 

“Hello,” Harry said as his eyes met yours. 

“Hi, it’s nice to be here and for you to allow me into your space I’m just going to ask some general questions and then follow you along your routine and”

“You’re doing that again,” Harry said through a low chuckle as he placed his phone on the table in front of him. 

“What thing?” You asked suddenly hyper aware of the fact that the assistant that was once there was now gone leaving you alone in this trailer the nerves that were simmering were fully at the surface now. 

“You’re talking a mile a minute. S’only me, I asked for you to cover this weekend specifically and I’m glad you were able to make it. So, where do you want to start?” He said calmly, “Normal to be nervous but I promise I won’t be that interesting once you spend a weekend with me.” He laughed at his own joke and gained a little laugh from you. 

He successfully broke the ice and you were ready to begin the interview taking a seat on the couch opposite him. You grabbed your phone out of your bag, opened the voice memo’s app and hit record trying your hardest to ignore that those nerves had turned into butterflies and you were on your way to being royally fucked. 

Figuratively. 

For now. 

&&

This is an excerpt from the profile: 

Before you meet Harry Styles there are a lot of preconceived notions that can run through one’s head. He is one of the biggest stars in the world and it’s hard not to have an opinion on him. And if you’re me, you think about his time in One Direction first. Before the solo career, the film roles, the beauty company, you think about how a 16 year old boy auditioned for a singing competition show and is now 28 years old and headlining the first Friday back at Coachella after a two year break for the festival. 

He’s excited but nervous. You wouldn’t be able to tell as he sits back in his Coachella exclusive yellow Pleasing hoodie and sweat shorts. He’s cool as a cucumber as you take out your recording device and begin to ask questions. His presence is warm, comforting like a hug from a friend that you haven’t seen in a long time but once you’re together it’s like no time has passed. It’s an hour before he has to get ready and you’re sitting in his trailer ready to begin your interrogation -- which was the first of many jokes he made that night. 

An opening night of a Coachella spot must feel amazing? How do you take in these massive moments in your career?

It’s indescribable really, I try to take in as much of it as I can. Respecting the process, working with my creative director Molly on building out the set and my musical director Pauli on creating the setlist it’s in those moments of rehearsal where I can really take it in like look around and say, wow I’m really doing this. Obviously, tonight being on that stage with the people looking out at me, I still get nervous but I’m just excited that we get to all celebrate music together at this level. 

It’s hard to believe that someone at your level still gets nervous? You’ve done crowds bigger than this before? Harry takes a beat before answering, his pointer finger and thumb rubbing against his chin something that he has done between every question along with the occasional picking at his cuticles - a nervous habit that he can’t seem to break. 

It’s different. With the band, it’s like you’re up there with four other guys who everyone is also there for but with this. I was really nervous that first tour, nervous that I wouldn’t be able to see success in the same type of venues, nervous that I would be up there all on my lonesome. The band is a great addition and help but when it comes to the singing and interacting it’s all me. That first tour was special and it’s like this atmosphere where the fans give more to me than I could ever give to them. So even in moments like this where all I am thinking about is not fucking, sorry -- not messing up. I just have to remember that all that matters is that the people there are having fun. 

You continued to chat as Styles’ team started their process of getting him ready for the night. You watched on as his hair and makeup team took over the space in the trailer. The dynamic between everyone on Harry’s various teams and him was relaxed. You could immediately tell that everyone got along, which was not surprising because there is not a single person who has a bad thing to say about Harry Styles which seems too good to be true until you meet him. 

&&

Harry was comfortable. He was going into tangents about his process, the one time he ordered tuna sandwiches for lunch for a week straight because he wrote one good song after eating it one day and thought it was his good luck charm. His guard was done and you were furiously writing notes down trying to get as much out of this conversation as you could’ve. 

Your conversation was easy, your nerves about the profile were no longer there. There was something else lingering between the two of you but you weren’t going to allow yourself to go there. When Harry would turn a question around on you, you would give as little as possible. It wasn’t until he was getting ready for the stage and there were more of his team around that it became harder to disregard. 

“How long have you been at your job?” Harry asked if he was facing away from you, his side profile was all you could see as his hairstyle worked on sprucing up his hair. 

“About three years ago, it was my first internship in college and they liked me enough to hire me as a post grad.” You kept it short and to the point. 

Harry took in your answer. The silence in the room was emphasized with the only noise being made from the low heat blow dryer and the clanging of skin prep and makeup materials. You were watching him get ready for one of the biggest nights of his career and he still wanted to get to know more about you. 

“I read your piece on women in music” he said nonchalantly.

“Really?” 

He was still looking at you from the side, eyes peeking over to you as his brows lifted and a slight smile, “Yes really, s’why I wanted to show my music to your magazine, it was important to me to not keep it to the same rotation that is guaranteed.” 

“It’s not my magazine,” you laugh. You can’t believe Harry had read your piece on the music industry’s 

“You’re the reason I knew about them.” 

“Smooth.” Slipped out of your mouth before you could stop yourself. Fuck. Did you really just say that out loud? 

“Thank you.” He replied dryly. “Some of your stuff is really funny, the socials.”

He read your writing and thought you were really funny. Your brain was trying to wrap your brain around the dozens of articles and social media posts that you’d done for your company. You were flattered, blushing even and trying your hardest to play it cool. 

“Thank you again, you don’t have to say that.” You were used to artists buttering you up in hopes of better reviews. 

He looked over to you with genuine sincerity in his voice and face, “I know I don’t have to say anything,” he took a long pause and it was almost a whisper, you didn’t catch it the first time only back on the recording “I’m saying it because I mean it.” 

&&

This is an expert from the profile:

You were getting a front row view to the parts of Harry’s life that so many overlooked. The getting ready process. The time that was strategically carved out to curate the perfect artist on stage. 

It started with hair and makeup. His hairdresser Ayae who has been on his team since the start of his solo career and Dotti who does his skin and light, emphasis on light, makeup so the lights on stage don’t wear him out. 

I try not to go overboard with all the prep. It can be kind of overwhelming. Knowing my outfits beforehand really helps. I like to spend a lot of my time the day of a show to myself and wait till the last possible minute to do all the extra stuff. 

So, what is a typical day before a show like for you?

I’d like to sleep in but my body only lets me push it to 9. I’ll have a slow morning, get coffee out and possibly a pastry if the display has anything I fancy. Last night, I ordered room service and had a whole spread sort of like a carb load you’d do before games when you were younger. Jeffrey, my manager, calls it a spaghetti dinner. I just eat as many carbs to keep the fuel for the show. I’ll work out a bit - a run or pilates usually, then we’ll have rehearsals. And then I just chill out. Listen to music, watch a bit of TV, shower, get pampered and dressed and then I’m out. 

What’s your post show routine like? 

Now that… you’ll have to wait for later. 

&&

The Coachella crowd was like nothing you had seen before thousands of people, a crowd that felt like it was going for miles and miles all anticipating the arrival of Harry. All your preconceived notions about him didn’t even begin to meet the reality of who he was. You were on a high and trying not to let it all go to your head. You were a woman in music and knew what it meant when someone was coming onto you, especially one that you were writing about but this… Harry, he was different. He was warm, kind, and comforting. 

You were filled with adrenaline from your time with him as you made your way into the friends and family section.People were mingling about and you were going back and forth in your head about where you were going to stand. Would standing against the barricade be too eager? It would guarantee that you wouldn’t have to mingle with any of his friends which would cut all potential awkward situations. Or you could just blend in with the crowd. You stood in the middle of the open area trying to make a decision when someone tapped you on the shoulder. 

“Hi!” You said a little too enthusiastically as you put your hand out to greet him. He was wearing the same Coachella merch sweater that Harry had on but this time in pink.

“Hey, Jeffrey. Nice to meet again, how was your conversation with Harry today?” 

“It was great really, I just left a bit ago to give him some space and snag myself a good spot.” You awkwardly chuckled. You wondered if Harry told him something about you that now you were going to get reprimanded for, a question that wasn’t approved, was your profile going to fall through?

“Harry had so many good things to say and we were wondering,” his phone began ringing, “sorry I gotta take this but I will find you later okay?” He said, you nodded reassuring him that you would remember to find him later as he weaved back through the crowd before disappearing into the abyss. 

The screams were loud. Harry stood up above the stage. A giant black fur coat that you saw hanging in his trailer with a very low cut sequin jumpsuit on under it. He stood there taking all the screams in. His first show of 2022. His first show in 4 months. The show that was going to mark the start of his next album cycle. You watched from the barricade as he ran down the steps and straight to the microphone and sang the opening lines to As It Was. 

You were mesmerized. The way he commanded the stage and became bigger than life. The same guy you were spending hours with listening to talk about his insecurities, therapy, work and relationships was now singing to thousands of people as they sang back. He was giving all his energy to the crowd and it was mesmerizing - his dedication to his craft was noticeable in every smile, wave, thumbs up and kiss to the crowd. 

And just as you began to let loose and lose yourself in the music. Harry ran over to your side of the stage and began leaning over as far as he could looking for something in the crowd. You were perplexed. It couldn’t be. No. And just as the last chorus of the song was approaching, Harry’s eyes found yours, his mouth lifting up into a smile so big his dimples were lost in the smile. 

He mouthed “Are you good?” 

He wanted to make sure you were having fun. 

You gave him a huge nod and a thumbs up reassuring him that you were fine. 

The rest of the show was incredible. Harry brought out Shania Twain which he withheld from you during your talk and you were thankful for it. The sheer panic and joy as the opening chord to “Man I Feel Like A Woman'' played was something you were never going to forget. 

And as the high from the show and the excitement all around you continued. Harry ran over to your side of the stage again, saying his thank you’s and blowing his kisses to the crowd, and right before he was going to run back to his microphone he waited for a beat. His brown curls blowing in the wind, the nails that were freshly painted in front of you hours before. He was taking it all in. The faces of the crowd, the screams that went on for miles and in one of the most important nights of his career, he was still searching for you. 

His eyes lingered on yours this time. The most inviting warm green that you’ve ever encountered finding you in the crowd with ease. You smiled trying to conceal the rush of excitement that ran through your body. And just as the moment came and went you felt a familiar tap on your shoulder with the same chill Angeleno accent to follow. 

Jeffrey found you again, you leaned in so he could speak directly into your ear, “Come to the after party, meet us at the gate” he pointed over to where he disappeared to earlier, “during the final song you can ride with us.”

&&

Your ears were still buzzing from the night as you made your way towards the gate. You belonged here. Harry wanted you here. 

You piled into a golf car and then into an escalator and then into a sprinter van and then you were at the location of the after party which after a bit of mingling were told was the house that Harry and his team were staying at. 

The entire bottom floor was an open plan, the living room and kitchen filled with people, alcohol and food. The doors that lead out to the backyard and pool open for anyone. You were surrounded by people, some that you recognized from earlier in the day. 

You found your way to the bathroom after some small talk with his styling team. You needed to be alone and wrap your head around this. The bathroom was sleek. It had black and white accents with tiny pops of color from the towels and bath math both a stand-in shower and an isolated bathtub across the wall. You never pictured what the bathroom of a house Harry Styles would stay at would look like but this was exactly it. 

You walked out of the bathroom and ran into a body, big and broad and slightly wet. His eyes were wide and mouth slightly ajar “You came” Harry said with an almost confused tone like he wasn’t sure you would actually take him up on the after. He didn’t have a shirt on rather it was placed around his neck like he was saving to put it on later. It was either water or sweat but his body was on full display, almost glistening through the dim hallway. His broad shoulders that were slightly sunburnt from his time in the sun. Your eyes went from his laurels on his waist to the butterfly etched across his stomach and the swallows below his collar bone. He was watching you as your eyes inspected his body, a small smile on his lips.  

“I’m here!” You exclaimed as you put your hands up and shrugged. 

Harry’s arms were out and open for you inviting you in for a hug. “You were truly amazing out there you should be really proud of yourself” you said lingering a beat longer as your bodies merged together. You fully clothed and him sans shirt. Was this crossing a professional boundary? His way of loosening you up? That’s something you would think about later but right now, it felt good, safe even. 

“Thank you, means a lot.” You caught a blush on his cheeks as he took in your compliment.

“Is this a part of your post-show routine?” You put your hands in front of you in an up and down motion around him. 

“Ice bath… my post-show routine is an ice bath.” 

You laughed at his admission, “What?” he said looking around trying to find the joke that he missed, “Nothing it’s just… when you didn’t tell me earlier I thought it was going to be something a lot more ‘rock n roll’ you said in air quotes than an ice bath.”

“Isn't rock and roll enough for you? Stick around and that’ll change.” He playfully winked. “Let’s go grab a drink?” Harry said as he made his way through the hallway while simultaneously putting on his shirt. 

You made your way down the hall and back into the living room where the majority of the people were mingling amongst themselves. It wasn’t long before Harry got pulled in a different direction with someone who he hadn’t seen in ages. This gave you the perfect excuse to look at the food options you could learn a lot about someone based on the food they provide at a party. So, when you saw rows and rows of Shake Shack, you were in heaven. 

You ate, drank and mingled. You listened to people’s Coachella disaster stories and one of Harry’s friends' husbands were telling you about all the people that texted him asking for extra Coachella passes mere hours before Harry was set to take the stage when Harry tapped you on the shoulder, “can you excuse us for a second?” and the husband was quickly gone. 

It was just you and Harry standing in the space between the living room and the outdoor space. All the people around you but it felt like it was just the two of you in the room. 

“I just want to say before any of this,” Harry gestures in the space between the two of you “gets… weird that.. I just don’t want to jeopardize anything.”

“Why would…”

“Harry?” You were interrupted by another voice. You and Harry both looked over. You immediately froze, your heart sinking at what was to come. Harry looked back at you his lips tightened together before mouthing a small sorry and quickly walking over to her. 

Fuck.

[linnetagain]

List of random Season/skating/Bloodweave thoughts that I don’t know justify their own asks but that I thought you might like to hear anyway:

Chapter 1, Karlach asking Astarion about pay: “Vroomvroom: so you’ll suddenly do a really shit job in week 5 then? :P” YOU CHEEKY LITTLE BUGGER, YOU (I love it, A+ foreshadowing)

I stumbled across Ryan Dunk’s “Freddy Mercury on Ice” skate, and his butt was weirdly distracting. I’m very aspec, is this what the allosexuals mean when they say a pair of jeans makes their butt look good? Why do I keep looking at his butt, shut up and let me watch the skate

The “middle finger” skate Astarion did while Gale was in the hospital was to Looking at Me by Sabrina Carpenter, right? I’m basing this on its order in my mega playlist, I can never remember what chapter things happen in and I do not have TIME to reread the whole thing again, no matter how enjoyable it would be. Anyway. I finally listened to Looking at Me yesterday, and then listened to it another 37 times. Holy cha-cha music, I was not expecting the mariachi trumpet sound. So sassy, I love it. (I did ballroom for about a year and half in high school, back in yonder years of 2011-2012. I was on the standard team, but sometimes I still get beat over the head with the urge to Do Something Latin by certain pop songs). But, more to the point, I LOVE the lyrics for this story moment. For all Amy’s strategizing about song choice and how they need to handle the narrative with Gale’s hospitalization, I think Astarion freaking nailed it—you think they’re looking at (Gale)? They’re looking at me. Media tries to make a big deal about Gale’s collapse, or Astarion’s response, or the fact that he’s showing up to Hessie’s school, or any potential leaked footage of the Mystra Kerfuffle backstage, or anything Cazador tries, or ANYTHING—Astarion draws their gaze instead, whether they want it or not (just look for the broken necks). I can’t remember the exact names of the maneuvers you can pick when you level up a fighter in-game, but there’s one that will force nearby enemies to attack you instead of your allies. That’s what this reminds me of.

Cool factoid about me: I got to go on a field trip in 1st grade to a nearby ice rink during the lead up to the 2002 Olympics, and we got to watch a skating pair rehearse their routines. After some research, I THINK it was the French ice dancing team, Gwendol Peizerat and Marina Anissina, who won gold in one of their events. The routine I got to watch was probably one of these! Honestly, the thing I remember most is the dude’s luxurious hair XD

Heads up: I am going to attempt to draw Gale & Astarion in contrasting skating costumes, drawing from male/female costumes, but making both of them gender non-conforming/androgynous. Gonna try and give Gale his long skirt. I’ll report back.

Imagine, if you will, all of Gale’s official music videos going forward incorporating dance/skating choreography from Astarion. I remember a gazillion years ago, when Lindsey Stirling was on a “dancing with the stars” type webshow where all the stars were YouTubers, her music videos going forward all credited her pro dance partner as the paid choreographer. Ice skate music videos. Piano on the ice rink. Gale singing (lip-syncing?) while skating. Outdoor skating on location. Maybe Gale skates with him, maybe it’s just Astarion, maybe it’s just Gale! Who knows. Ice skate music videos.

I have had this vivid image for… weeks, honestly, I can’t remember which chapter of my first read-through triggered this, of their final skate being some kind of dope mashup of Golden and Always You, with Astarion’s back and arms and Gale’s chest exposed, with gold body paint highlighting each of their scars. Because kintsugi. I figure Astarion would be the one to design and make/customize the costumes, cuz I do not trust Volo even in the slightest with something like that. Maybe it would pair with Cazador being publicly denounced and/or arrested, like a “do these look like they came from a fall to you??” I don’t know. Maybe there’d be a secret third song that Gale has yet to write that the other two would morph into, something triumphant to resolve the story of the skate/the songs, where Golden is kind of hindsight bittersweet and Always You is a pining song.

Ugh. I wish I had filk powers and could make Gale’s songs real. YO, FAN COMPOSERS/FILK MUSICIANS, I HAVE A PROJECT FOR YOU GIFT-WRAPPED AND READY TO GO—

By any chance, do you have video examples of the particular moves that the boys use in their skates? Both Astarion’s TikToks and their competition pieces. For reasons. No, shush, no guessing.

I found some really cool skating vids to share, but my YouTube is being a BUTT so perhaps that shall be a separate ask. Welp.

HEHEHEHE

Ice skater's glutes are INSANE. I know in canon Astarion has a itty bitty tush, but in season that man is CAKED.

Yes it was Looking at Me!! I have so much fun choosing the songs

Gale is absolutely still working on that song he's been writing about Astarion and it's about to get a whole new angle (so, less sad and pine-y) and I love to imagine Astarion in the music video or choreographing it, haha!

I do have examples of specific moves but depressingly few of them have names - would you be interested in me linking the YouTube videos with the timestamps? Would that be useful?

I'm sorry I haven't responded to the rest of your points but it was either YES, GOOD, YES or I CAN'T ANSWER THAT WITHOUT SPOILERS so I hope you'll forgive me. Thank you so much for your enthusiasm it's so appreciated ily 💕💕

[thezombieprostitute]

Music in the Air

A/N: Written for Vee's Holly Jolly Challenge (@sstan-hoe). Reader is implied fem, "girls like me". No physical descriptors used.

Prompts: Bucky Barnes - My house, my rules. The Christmas music stays on.

Summary: You and Bucky discuss poinsettias.

Bucky's arm was having problems. Again. In all the years he had the arm he never really got to understand how it worked. He could figure out how to fix a lot of things, but his arm wasn't one of them. That's why he was glad he had you to turn to. You had quickly become his go-to engineer in the Avengers Tower. You were a rare and delightful combination of "not afraid of him" and "not overly friendly". You would smile, but let him initiate the conversation when he wanted.

At least, normally you were his favorite. Ever since December started you only every played Christmas music in your lab. He was still trying to get used to how much the holiday had changed and the music was, well, a lot. Especially when you were always listening to some kind of heavy metal Christmas music and he had only ever heard Christmas music sung a capella or maybe a church organ.

"Do you really need to listen to that music all the time?"

You smiled while working, "I did the respectful thing and waited until December before I started listening."

"Yeah, but it's just so..." he struggled to find the words.

"Non-traditional?"

"Jarring."

"Well, Sergeant Barnes," you reply, setting your tools down, "My house, my rules. The Christmas music stays on. However, I am willing to switch it for something that's maybe a little more your speed."

You walk over to your laptop and open up your playlist. It takes you a minute, but you finally find the song you're looking for and press the play button. As the speakers sing a lighter, slower tune, you turn back to Bucky, "you should be grateful. I don't turn off Trans Siberian Orchestra for just anyone."

Bucky blushed as he smiled, listening to the song. It was very different from what you had been listening to. For a start, there were lyrics. They told the story of a poinsettia named Percy and how had been overlooked and abandoned but grew and shone when given love. He almost smacked himself for having empathy for an imaginary plant.

To distract himself he said, "I'm surprised you like this song. It's so different from what you were listening to before."

You smile and respond, "it's a childhood favorite. This song just really hit my heart in a way no other Christmas song did. It stuck with me so much that, even in college if I saw my flowers for sale that were wilting or on their last legs, I'd buy them. Just to make sure they had love before they fully wilted."

Bucky looked at you with a softness in his eyes before you shook your head, "I know, it's stupid. I was an adult, I should've known better but some things just stick with you, you know?"

"Yeah," he whispered. "I know. Did you stop buying flowers because you kept getting them from dates or something?"

You chuckle, "I stopped because I had to prioritize my budget. I can't remember the last time I had flowers in my apartment. But thank you for the compliment."

"What do you mean? The guys you date don't give you flowers?"

"Girls like me don't get dates, Sergeant. I'm not whatever enough for guys to ask me out. Whether it's my size, my intelligence, my hobbies, there's just always something that keeps guys from asking me out, let alone bringing me flowers. But, again, thank you for the compliment."

You set down your tools and start putting them away, "your arm is all patched up. Hope this fix lasts you at least through the end of the year. I've got a lot of projects to finish up before the end of the year so I might not have the time to take care of you."

"You're not staying here for Christmas, are you?"

"I am," you nod. "My family celebrates holidays on days that aren't the day of so that we can avoid traffic and last-minute shoppers. So I set up an office lunch for the people who either don't celebrate, have nowhere to go, or whatever other reasons. Mr. Stark has been very generous with the budget for that."

"I'm glad you won't be alone on Christmas," he gives you a gentle smile.

"How about you," you ask. "You're welcome to join us if you'd like."

"Sam is insisting on taking me to Louisiana," he replies.

"Good," you assert. "I'm very glad you also won't be alone on Christmas."

You really shouldn't have been surprised to see the poinsettia on your desk the next day. There was no note, but you suspected. It wasn't very big and it had started wilting, but you loved it nonetheless. You gently hugged the plant and promised to give it the best of care for as long as it needed. After a week it was like a brand new plant, bright and strong. Doesn't hurt that you asked the biolab techs for help and resources.

It made Bucky's year to see how big your smile was, watching your poinsettia grow and how much you clearly loved it. It took him a while after to gather his courage and ask you on a date but your quick "yes" reassured him. Neither of you would ever be alone on Christmas.

[7grandmel]

Todays rip: 30/12/2023

The Paragoomba and the Wiggler

Season 7 Featured on: SGFR Presents: RIP²

Ripped by 601billionlazer Performed by vvslogs

Hey, look - its close to the new year, its past midnight as I'm writing this, and I'm feeling sentimental. I know I could be putting more delicacy into my choices for these last days of the year, but please allow me to be be a bit vulnerable today.

I started making these posts seven months ago. A month later, I made the full commitment into making it a full-on BLOG-blog. That is, a blog to truly let me spill my heart over, beyond just writing one or five sentences per rip, to ensure none of my feelings get left on the drawing board. It was never something I did to catch a wave of fame, or to show off on a resume: top to bottom, this blog began as a distraction from work, and has turned into a full-scale love letter for a project that has helped shape me into the person I am today. Now, with *this* project, I've found motivation and confidence: I've had the opportunity to reignite my passion for writing, satiating my lust for analysis and discussion, and most crucially providing a thank-you to a group of creators that have always felt woefully underappreciated.

What I never really expected, was to have those same wishes returned back to me.

From the ask box, to the messages, to the Rippers' Commentary reblogs, to the discussions held in the SiIvaCord and on Discord DMs themselves, its those heartfelt words, that gratitude and joy, that keeps me driven to continue this blog until I'm all wrung dry. I've long considered myself terrible at maintaining connections, yet with each message I receive it feels as if I've made a new friend, their words of support and love never leaving my mind no matter how much time passes. It still feels like I'm somewhat of a shut-in, yet I've had the ability to talk to so many more incredible people in the back half of this year alone than I have for so much of my life before.

So, with all that sappy shit said - The Paragoomba and the Wiggler goes out to one of those people. It was only a few weeks ago this month that I covered vvsvlogs' prior work on Wham! Into Dreams, and just how much her singing truly resonated with me. As soon as that post was done, I just...felt a need to know, if she'd done any more singing work for the channel, and she was kind enough to point out her contribution to RIP² that I'd somehow completely missed. A rearrangement of an immensely simple but effective Season 1 rip, The Paragooma and the Wiggler is still a mashup of a Super Mario Bros. 3 theme and an Owl City song, yet now with a far more lively, dynamic instrumental thanks to 601billionlazer's arranging, and with vocals wholly redone by vvsvlogs, as mentioned before - and, indeed, just like Wham! Into Dreams, I connected with the rip almost immediately after listening to it. There's of course also new life injected into the non-vocal half of the song through the rearrangement, new sound effects added to punctuate lyrics, an ebb and flow maintained with the instrumentation alternating between the original chiptune sound and a plucky piano. With all that said, its an incredible rip top to bottom, showing just how talented of a singer vvsvlogs is above all else - I daresay the new vocals full-on crush the originals for me.

Yet, there's a reason I wanted to put that big sentimental introduction to this post in particular. Because back when I first discovered Wham! Into Dreams years ago, I may still have been a devoted fan, but I was a wallflower althesame: barely in the SiIvaCord, barely in discussions with anyone other than the occasional YouTube comment. It's only through all of the aforementioned outcomes of running this blog, the people I've met and the messages I've received, that I finally feel truly at home with this community - that I found the courage to reach out, talk to, and send my sincerest thanks directly to these incredible creators, with at least SOMETHING to show for it. vvsvlogs is just one of a dozen or two people I've gotten to talk to through doing this blog, and it never ceases to warm my heart - both finally getting to talk to people who've indirectly pulled me out of dark times through simply doing what they love, and through knowing I've been able to make so many of them smile from the words I'm putting onto this darn page on a daily basis.

Happy new year, SiIvaGunner team. To all of you in the team reading silently without accounts to reply with, I hope you know just how much I love you.

<3

[xximperioxx]

You’re The One I Want - Part 2

Swiss Ghoul x Fem!Reader

Word count: 1.4K

Warnings- none! (I think)

Part One Part Three

/////

Hi everyone! I am so sorry for the delay- senior year is kicking my ass. Also decided I’m totally doing more parts to this because I have more ideas! The likes and reblogs I’ve gotten recently honestly mean the world to me and want to thank all of you for the love! Anyways! Much love and please enjoy <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were starting to regret coming to the ritual. It was far too crowded. Too many people and too much energy in the old church. Beginning to feel lightheaded, you gently touched Katie on the shoulder to tell her you were going to the back of the crowd. She gave you a nod and small smile as she watched you make your way away from the stage.

You allowed yourself to leave against the wall, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Your eyes opened back up when you hear the opening on Kaisarion. As soon as they came out on stage, Swiss scanned the crowd for you. Finding you in the back he gives you a big smile. He sees you laugh to yourself when you notice him and finds himself smiling into his microphone like a giddy little ghoul.

Katie had found her way over to you to keep you company. She knew how awkward and anxious you got in large groups of people and didn’t want you to be alone. Seeing your arms wrapped around yourself, she reached out and grabbed your hand.

She leans in close, “So which one is your ghoul?”

You glance at her, yelling over the loud music, “He’s not my ghoul.”

“He’s infatuated with you, (Y/N).”

You find yourself staring at him. Watching how his hips sway and thrust to the music. Swiss could feel your eyes on him. It made him excited knowing he captured your attention. You clear your throat, “The multi ghoul.”

Katie gives you a look and raises her eyebrows with a laugh, “Very nice, if you know what I mean.”

You roll your eyes.

“Oh come on lighten up,” you can't help but laugh as she begins to dance to Kiss the Go-Goat while still holding your hand.

She takes your other hand as you begin to dance with her. Screaming and singing the lyrics to each other without a care in the world.

It was like Satan himself had shined a light on you. Swiss was awestruck as he watched you. Katie let go of your hand and twirled you around. The smile on your face left him breathless. He couldn’t wait for the ritual to be over. Only being able to see and smell you from a distance was driving him crazy. The urge to stop everything and see you was overbearing but Swiss knew Papa would have his head if he did that. All papas were perfectionists and Swiss had learned that the hard way.

“We’re gonna slow things down a bit,” Papa said to the loud crowd, “for some Life Eternal.”

A smile formed on your face. You were still trying to catch your breath from dancing. Life Eternal has been one of your favorite songs since you joined the church. People in the crowd found partners as they held each other close and began to dance. You noticed a brother of sin and Katie making eyes at each other and gently pushed her towards him. Katie wanted to object and stay with you. Shushing her, you took a step back to give them space.

Your eyes were drawn to Swiss’s once again that night. You could tell he was already looking at you judging by the dorky smile on his face. You couldn’t help but return it. ‘Stop it,’ you mouthed to him.

He shook his head at you in response. He was confused to see you alone again. Especially during a song where everyone was slow dancing.

You let Katie stay with the guy for the remainder of the ritual which left you alone in the back but you didn’t mind. After performing the last song, Papa announced there was going to be an after party. Swiss had been focused on you as Papa was talking when Dewdrop came up to him, distracting him. When Swiss went to see you, you had already slipped away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were restless that night. Constantly tossing and turning before you decided to go to the abandoned room. You grabbed your notebook before slipping on a robe and slippers, sneaking out of the dorm.

When you reach the piano, you sit in silence for a few moments. You bring your fingers to the keys and begin to play Cirice. The song had been stuck in your head all night after hearing it at the ritual. You chuckle to yourself, remembering hearing some people upset Papa didn’t choose them to sing to.

“Can’t you see that you’re lost,” you sang softly and quietly, “Can’t you see that you’re lost without me?”

Swiss stands in the doorway, “Don’t tell Papa I said this but you’re totally better than him.”

You flinch at the sudden voice. The ghoul walks over to you.

You look up at him, “We really gotta stop meeting like this because you’re gonna give me a heart attack one of these days.”

“I’ll be there to save you,” Swiss smirks.

You give him a side eye, “I would hope so considering you were the cause of it.”

Swiss sits down on the bench next to you. You bring your knees up to your chest and rest your head. Your eyes trace the design of his mask while he plays with his ring. The silence was comforting.

“Bit sad that I didn't see you at the after party.” He mumbles.

“Not really my scene,” You give him a small smile, “And to be fair you did only ask for me to come to the ritual.”

Swiss lets out a snort and turns to look at you. Silence engulfs the two of you again as you look away. You could feel your face turn pink at his stare. You clear your throat and a smile creeps up on your face, “You have some great dance moves by the way.”

Swiss smiles, showing his fangs , “You think?”

You nod and let out a small laugh, “Big fan of the shimmy,”

“Just for you, baby,” Swiss purrs.

You can’t tell if he’s joking or not, either way you feel yourself blush.

Swiss grew serious after a minute as the thought of you standing alone at the ritual came back to his mind. He frowned, “Why were you alone during Life Eternal?”

You’re taken aback from the question as your response came out with confusion, “I told Katie to go dance with someone.”

“But you didn’t find anyone to dance with?” He was confused.

“Not a big fan of dancing,” you quickly dismissed.

Swiss glared at you as he argued. “That’s not true I saw you dancing before during the songs.”

“It’s embarrassing,” you mumbled hoping he would stop being so nosy. Your eyes darted across the room before focusing on the stained glass window.

Concern spreads across Swiss’s face. “What is?”

“I never slow danced with anyone,” you grumbled, “I don’t know how.”

You don’t know what reaction you were expecting from Swiss but him doubling over from laughter was not it. You groan in embarrassment and hide your face in your knees.

“They didn’t teach me that in catholic school,” your whine came out muffled.

Swiss tried to catch his breath, “okay okay I’m done.”

He grins at the sight of you embarrassed. He gets an idea. Abruptly getting up, he stands in front of you with his hand reached out.

You lift your head as you hear him move. Confusion fills your face as you look up at him.

He nudges you with his knee, “C’mon. I’m teaching you and you owe me a dance since you didn’t go to the after party.”

You sigh and untangle yourself. “You’re ridiculous,” you say as you put your hand in his.

He smirks as he pulls you up and into him quickly causing you to fall into him. He brings you in close to him, his hands on your lower back. A gasp leaves your mouth as you feel his hands on you. The two of you began to slowly sway.

Your hands find themselves on his chest. You can feel your heart beating rapidly. You don’t think you’ve been this close to someone.

Swiss leans in closer to you, “Do I make you nervous?”

You decide to play it off, “W-what? No.”

He hums, “Is that why I can hear your heartbeat?”

You take a deep breath to try to steady your breathing. Still feeling how tense you were, the ghoul starts to softly hum a tune. He starts to feel you relax.

He takes a hand off of your waist and takes your hand into his. You glance up at him through your lashes to see him already looking down at you. A smile appears on your face. You place your head on his chest, listening to him hum. Swiss blushes but his mask thankfully covers it.

“I take it back, you’re not ridiculous.” You feel him chuckle.

[squaregoals]

I made an Astarion playlist because I am a little more than a little hyperfixated on this game and him.

Astarion, The Pale Elf Playlist

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2HsZxHcyCzhRBAHLoJ6LFX

It's a mix of his romance plot, his two endings, songs I feel catch his vibe, and songs I feel like could be sung to him. Oddly it IS in an order but absolutely can be played in shuffle.

((Some highlights from the list)):

White Dove- Koda

I've got a bone to pick/ Somebody showed you all of the horror/ You weren't born with it// You're a silver tongued jackboot thug with/ White skin but you're no white dove/ And you're scared of us 'cause we show you love/ Until there's none of us left to love/ None of us left to love//I had this feeling that you'd betray me/If I gave too much and you took too much

There's so much to say, but this is just Astarion in general. He's true commitment avoidant, got this way because Cazador, and uses the people he's around. This song is a lot of his flaws.

Dr Sunshine is Dead- Will Wood and the Tapeworms

Well, who should I be then, if I'll never be the same?// I will be my sunshine, I will be my moon at night/ Who else could I be, when I can't fucking see?/ I will be my sunshine, I will be my moon at night/ I'm nowhere now, here's no one now to be// And if dreams can come true/ what does that say about nightmares?/ I'll stay awake tonight

This speaks to Astarion's strengths. He is strong willed and will do anything he can in order to succeed and survive, even if it's not something good for him. He'll depend on himself. The lyrics seem tame but that part of the song is so raw and emotional it gets me everytime. It fits him, as a lot of Will Wood songs do.

Good Looking Boy- Suki Waterhouse

You stop for breath and I sped up/Just to impress you// The skyline falls as I try to make sense of it all/ I thought I'd uncovered your secrets, but turns out there's more

This one is singing to him. For those that fell for him and found out he was just using you. Open to either him eventually reciprocating or not, but it reminded me of Act II romance conversations.

Hail To The King- Avenged Sevenfold

Hail to the king/ Hail to the one/ Kneel to the crown, stand in the sun/ Hail to the king// Blood is spilt while holding keys to the throne/ Born again, but it's too late to atone

This one is steeped in Ascended route imagery. Like those lyrics? For real. The obvious, he's in power and can stand literally in the sun and will make people kneel in his victory. But also the last two lines I included, he achieved it through irreversible sacrifice. It's such an easy song to attribute.

Habits (Stay High)- Tove Lo

You're gone, and I gotta stay high all the time/ To keep you off my mind/ High all the time to keep you off my mind// Spend my days locked in a haze/ Trying to forget you, babe, I fall back down/ Gotta stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you

More towards the breaking up with Ascended Astarion route. Not meaning he'd be on drugs, but just trying to distract himself and high with power and conquest to try and ignore the fact he won't move on as easy as he says he can. Also covers some of the constant fear he now lives in, from what the subtext says of he now is more fearful post-ascension than pre.

Oleander- Mother, Mother

And if you leave me/ Rest assured it would kill me// Like an oleander/ White, white leaves/ Of an oleander/ White like me

This one I feel like is after he's really truly fallen for whoever he's with. Him singing to his love interest. Also he's pale white and snow white hair so theme and literally like oleander.

-----+++++++-------

I could go on, because I could seriously write a long character analysis based off each song. But this post is long enough lol.

Will make one for Wyll, and my specific Tav at some point.

[rip-quizilla]

Your Leather, My Lace ~ Part 1: One Look Could Kill

*This fic was co-written by curlyfry23, whom you can find on AO3 here

Pairing: Rockstar!Eddie Munson x Rockstar!fem!Reader

Summary: It's your band's third time competing in Indianapolis' Battle of the Bands, and you're dead set on making 1991 the year you finally win. Of course, the moment you swear you won't fall prey to any "distractions", a guy named Eddie with big brown eyes shows up to distract you.

Word Count: 2.6k

Tags for Entire Fic (from AO3): Enemies to Lovers, Rival Bands, Tension While Singing, Leather, 80's Rock References, Song Lyrics, Slow Burn, Sexual Tension, Thinly Veiled Hex Girls Inspiration, Eddie Munson Lives, 1991, Porn with Feelings, Shameless Smut, Mutual Masturbation, Hate to Love, Oral Sex, Consensual Sex, Smut, Eddie Munson Has No Sense of Personal Space, Cunnilingus, Nipple Licking, Catholic Guilt, brat!reader, Dom/sub Undertones, light degradation, Car Sex, The Lord of the Rings References

~Indianapolis, 1991~

“It’s our year, ladies.” 

You couldn’t wipe the grin off your face; this was it. You could feel it in your bones, this was your fucking year. 

Denise snorted, “Sure.” Green lips curling into a rueful smirk, she struggled with her bags and band equipment while reaching up to tighten her platinum pigtails. “Not like you say that every time we drag our asses out to this thing.” 

You paid her negativity no mind. She wasn’t wrong necessarily, but you refused to ignore the surge of adrenaline that was pulsing through your veins right now. “It’s different this year, don’t tell me you guys don’t feel it too.” You confidently strutted through the revolving door of the high-class hotel where Lana’s dad had made reservations for your band for the duration of the competition, and you mentally sent out a heartfelt thank you to him as you looked around, awestruck at the grandeur of the hotel. You would have been fine with putting yourselves up at a Best Western or something; having a band member who came from money really had its perks.

“I certainly feel something.” Lana drawled, eyes following a particularly attractive bellboy who threw her a wink as she sent a grin in his direction. Expression growing sour, you snapped in her face, wincing when you almost dropped your guitar case. “Hey! No! Nonono, none of that, not this year.” You ignored Lana’s pout and resumed your trek toward the front desk. 

It would be your year to win… IF- and only if- you all committed to keeping your eyes on the prize. This was your third year competing for the title, and you were pretty sure that if you lost Battle of the Bands one more time, you wouldn’t be able to convince Lana and Denise to compete again. It was a big commitment; foregoing jobs, family, friends- well, you only had two of those, and they were here with you- for up to a month, depending on how far you stayed in the game. After getting cut before you even made top ten the first year, it was hard enough to persuade your bandmates to try again. Last year had been closer (you attributed that to the hours you all had dedicated to practicing day in and day out to prepare) and thought you’d had it in the bag until you were cut before making it to top five. 

“No distractions this time. I’m making it a rule.” you said over your shoulder, getting in line to check in. “If we want to win this year, we need to focus.” Luna plopped her bags on the floor as she lined up behind you. “Making rules now, huh? Who put you in charge?”

You rolled your eyes, turning to face her. “Calm down, obviously I’m not telling you what to do, okay? You’re an adult, you can do what you want. However-” you raised your eyebrows, leaning towards her to ensure she got your point. “I am proposing that we all make a pact to give this competition the place on our list of priorities that it deserves.” 

Denise raised an eyebrow. “And that place would be…?”

You shot a hand as high as you could, even going so far as to stand on your tiptoes. “Here! Aaaaaall the way up here! Tippy top!” You sounded as exasperated as you felt; getting these girls to care as much as you did felt like pulling teeth sometimes. “Look, it’s not like I don’t want us to have fun while we’re here, but I also know that if we stay zeroed in on our goal, all it can do is help us. Right?”

Your friends nodded and smiled, used to your intensity when it came to Battle of the Bands. “You’re right, sorry for getting bitchy.” Lana slung an arm around your shoulders, and her orange-dyed twists tickled your cheeks. “Thanks for keeping us in line, cap.” She gave you a mock salute before planting an obnoxiously loud kiss to your cheek. 

You laughed, groaning dramatically as you wiped her black lipstick from your face. “You know how long it takes to do my makeup!” you giggled, swatting her away as you stepped up to the front of the line to check into your room.

***

That night would be the first round of performances for Battle of the Bands, and you had already persuaded your bandmates to come out with you to a local venue to scope out the other bands competing for the title. From the moment you walked through the doors of the grungy basement bar, you felt like a dormant part of you came alive. You loved this- genuinely loved it; the smoke flinging neon lights in every which way, the dull roar of people talking, yelling, drinking… the energy was infectious, and it made you itch to get on that stage. 

Not tonight, though- tonight was not about you, it was about reconnaissance. Tonight’s bands were all new to the Battle, and while you weren’t ruling them out as potential threats, you weren’t necessarily scared of them either. After grabbing a drink from the bar with Denise and Lana, you scoped out a small table in a corner from which to watch tonight’s performances. Unfortunately, it only took a few songs from the earsore of a goth rock group to make your friends duck out in search of a more interesting bar to spend the evening. They tried to convince you to go with them, but you stood your ground, eager for any leg-up on the competition. 

“Go on and have fun, really! I’m all good here.” You smiled reassuringly. They seemed skeptical and a bit disappointed, but still left you alone at your corner booth that now felt far too large for one person. Sighing, you stood and walked over to the bar, ordering yourself another drink and leaning against the slightly sticky counter. 

As you took in the sight of the dumpster fire on the stage, you shook your head, disappointed. You didn’t want the rival bands to be too good, obviously, but you had been hoping they would at least be competitors. The thrill of the chase was something you felt in your bones here, and it helped you want to be better; to make yourself be better. These guys… they just made you feel sorry for them. You reached into your purse and withdrew your small moleskine notebook and began jotting down a few notes on the band’s performance. Weaknesses: lead singer is tone deaf. Lead guitarist thinks the guitar is a percussion instrument. Strengths: members all have nice hair. 

You were so focused on trying to find more strengths to write down that you barely noticed the stranger looking over your shoulder at the paper you were jotting on. “Jeez,” a voice said, inches from your ear,  “and I thought I was a harsh critic.” Your head whipped around, narrowly avoiding the stranger sitting directly behind you. Frowning, you replied, “Did you just read my notebook?”

The stranger, a whole head taller than you with a lean frame and a dark mane of long, frizzy hair, smiled broadly back at you. “Will you keep talking to me if I say yes?” 

Oh. He was flirting with you. 

You turned away, a silent answer to his question. No distractions. You had made the rule, and you intended to follow it. Bringing your attention back to the stage, you struggled to place the song the band was playing -the melody sounded familiar, but the lead singer’s tiny, screeching vocalizations were making it difficult to recognize. Finally, you realized that they were playing a very grungy rendition of “I Will Survive”; surprised, you added Impressive range of genre knowledge to the “strengths” column. 

You heard a throat clear behind you, to which you rolled your eyes and looked sideways over your shoulder. He was still there, smiling somewhat less confidently now but still smiling nonetheless. “So, uh…” the stranger slid into the barstool beside yours. “What are you writing?” 

You gave him a thin smile that didn’t reach your eyes. “A manual for creeps who don’t know how to take a hint.” 

Glancing down at his beer, his ringed fingers tapping the bottleneck methodically, the stranger sighed, “That sounds interesting, I should give it a read.” 

A corner of your mouth crept up before you could stop it. “Yeah, you probably should, might learn something.” 

The barest hint of a smile from you was all he needed to bring his toothy grin back in full force. “Gotta be honest, learning was never my strong suit.” 

Against your better judgment, you turned the rest of your body to face the bar, giving him your full eye contact- And damn, if those weren’t the biggest eyes you had ever seen. 

You indulged him with a wry smile. “Not the schooling type?” you asked. Big Eyes placed a leather-clad elbow on the bartop, resting his head in hand and smiling lazily. “Oh no, I loved school. Loved it so much I had three senior years, actually.” 

You snorted out a laugh, eyebrows raising involuntarily. “Three?” you repeated. “Damn, even I didn’t like it that much.” 

He closed his eyes and nodded vigorously, “Oh yeah, loved it.” he reiterated, his expression so mockingly serious that you couldn’t help but laugh softly. Upon hearing your laugh, his smile crept up to match yours. “Biiiiig, big fan of a good ‘ole public school education,” he said. 

You tapped the bar to signal to the bartender that you were ready for another round. “You would just love Catholic school, then,” you replied. “Real fun, learning about Jesus instead of evolution.” 

Those wide eyes got wider somehow at the mention of Catholic school. “Are we talking about plaid skirts, nuns that slap your hand with a ruler- that kind of Catholic school?” 

You nodded grimly. “The very same.” The bartender handed you another drink, and you nodded your thanks to her as you continued, “And it was an all-girls school, too.” looking at Big Eyes, “your creep ass would’ve loved it.” 

Undeterred by your jab, he inclined his head and raised an eyebrow. “Something tells me if I went to school and saw you in a school uniform, I’d be blind to any other woman that crossed my path.”

You didn’t have the heart to tell him that your uniforms weren’t the least bit sexy, and had included knee-length skirts and starchy oxford shirts… but the compliment heated your cheeks anyway. 

Trying not to smile (and failing) you bit your lips and shut your notebook with a sharp thup. “Is this what you do for fun?” you asked him, “You go out to bars and hit on strangers?”

Big Eyes laughed softly, teeth still shining in the red and blue light reflecting off of him from the stage. “Maybe. It’s been pretty fun, so far.” 

You reached back, rubbing the back of your neck while you glanced back to the stage. The band was packing up and heading off stage. You hadn’t realized how much time had passed while you were chatting it up with this stranger. Shaking your head ruefully, you looked back at him with an apologetic expression. 

“Look,” you sighed, “you actually seem really nice, and you’re funny and easy to talk to…” His face lit up like a Christmas tree, and his eagerness at hearing your praise reminded you of a puppy. It felt as if someone were squeezing your heart in your chest. “...but I really can’t be flirting with guys at bars right now, okay? I’m sorry but now just isn’t the best time for distractions.” 

“Distractions?” Big Eyes laughed, unphased. “What am I distracting you from?” 

You gestured toward the stage. “My band is competing in Battle of the Bands. I came out here to see what we’re up against this year.” Holding up your notebook, you stuck your pen behind your ear with a free hand. “That’s what I was taking notes for. It’s our third year competing, so-” you grimaced, apologizing with your eyes once again. “-I don’t want to leave anything to chance. So no distractions this year. I’m sorry, under any other circumstances…” Your sentence trailed off, and Big Eyes raised his eyes as he waited for you to finish. 

You glanced away, fumbling around your words “...under other circumstances, I might keep this very entertaining conversion going and maybe have another drink with you… but I need to focus. So that will not be happening tonight.” You looked back at him, heart racing as his gaze snagged yours. His expression betrayed nothing, but those eyes were so wide and intense that you didn’t want to look away. You took a deep breath. Control yourself. “I’m sorry.” you added. 

He gave you a small smile and shrugged. “It is what it is. Can’t knock you for being dedicated to something.” He threw a nod to the bartender before asking, “What’s your band called?” 

“Next Hex.” you replied, downing the last sip of your drink. Big Eyes handed a few bills to the bartender and nodded, eyes distant as if he were documenting the name of your band in his memory. Eyes flicking back up to you (your heart felt like it did a backflip- they’re just eyes, why was he having this effect on you?) he raised his eyebrows, sobering his expression. “Noted.” he said, “Hopefully I’ll get to see you guys play.” 

You smiled, the gesture more genuine this time than the first few smiles you gave him. “Hopefully.” you repeated. “It was nice to meet you-”

Hopping off his chair and straightening his leather jacket sleeves, he held his hand out to you. “Eddie.” he filled in the blank.

You took his hand, ignoring the way your heart rate quickened when your skin touched his. “Eddie,” You mimicked before giving him your name in return. “Sorry about the circumstances.” You winced inwardly at how awkward it felt to turn a guy down mid-handshake. 

Big Eyes- Eddie- smiled ruefully and shook his head as he withdrew from your handshake and placed both hands in his pockets. “Don’t apologize yet,” he said, “I might end up being your favorite groupie.” 

A laugh bubbled up from your lips. “You’re not gonna go crazy stalker on me, are you? If you do, you can expect your restraining order in the mail.”

That mischievous grin plastered itself back across his face, and you were starting to wonder if this facial expression was simply his default face. “If your signature is on it, I might just get it framed, rockstar.” Satisfied with having the last word, Eddie gave you one last blinding smile before backing away from the bar and disappearing into the crowd. 

You continued looking in his direction until he vanished from your line of sight, and a part of you wished he hadn’t been scared off so easily… but you immediately chided yourself for wishing a man hadn’t taken no for an answer. How often were men who flirted with strangers at bars respectful? This guy was one in a million. Mentally, you cursed your luck for having such horrible timing.

You waved down the bartender and asked how much your tab was, but to your surprise she shook her head. “Your friend paid for you, don’t worry about it!” 

“Oh.” you said, surprised. You had already pulled out a couple one dollar bills, so you handed them to her anyway. “Well here, these are for you then.” Smiling, she took the bills from you and pocketed them in her acid wash jeans. “Aw, thanks hun! Have a great night!” With that, she turned to help the next patron a few seats away.

So, you thought, I just turned down a guy who was funny, respectful, AND paid for my drink even when he knew he wasn’t getting anything out of it. You shook your head, slowly making your way to the exit. 

This had better be our fucking year. 

Part 2

[mm-275]

So you know how when we first meet Miles, he's listening to a song that he's technically a little too young for? Well now I headcanon him as at least mildly liking Bruno Mars, and we all know that when he falls, he falls HARD, like wedding day doodles everywhere after coming to terms with liking you level head over heels, and now I'm picturing him and his partner listening to music in the living room and having an impromptu dance when Marry You by Bruno Mars starts playing. Do with this what you will, I just needed to share.it

MARRY YOU / MILES MORALES

tw: none i think?

Miles doesn’t know how he got here. I mean, he’s dancing to his favorite songs with you, y/n, around his living room while his parents are out.

It’s 10:34 pm, you saw it on the oven clock, but you and Miles have no intention of stopping anytime soon.

Going from swaying back and fourth to some chill r&b, to singing the wrong lyrics to more fast paced songs, neither of you would’ve traded this moment for the world.

As the end to All The Stars by SZA ends (you got him hooked), you both stop swinging eachother around wildly and look at eachother as you catch your breath.

The opening notes to Marry You by Bruno Mars starts playing, and your eyes widen. You start singing along again, and dancing around, having the time of your life.

Miles laughs a little, wondering how much of his playlist is influenced by you. Sure he listens to the occasional Bruno, but before you he would probably never listen to this song unless it’s on the radio.

That’s when he looks over, as the first chorus plays, and you sing your heart out, Miles is convinced that he’s just fallen in love with you again.

You turn to him and smile widely, singing along to the line “Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you”, and Miles’ only thought was “I think I wanna marry you too”

He keeps watching you dance around, and halfway through the song you’ve pulled him over and made him start dancing with you, but he was distracted.

Sure he was so in love with you before, he would’ve done anything to be with you before, but he’s fallen even more in love at this.

He knows it now. He’s for sure of it. You’re going to be the one he marries. You’re perfect, and this proves it.

Right before the last line plays, Miles grabs your waist. He pulls you close and looks you deep in your eyes.

You’re smiling and your arms wrap around his neck, and just like in one of those romance movies you make Miles watch all the time (he always will just to see you happy), he kisses you on the last note, as if he were marrying you.

———————

sorry if this is super short and cringy. its like 1 where i am and i kinda rushed this out for you. hope you enjoy this and lmk if you want me to fix anything 💕

[fritz-federleicht]

okay but imagine a corpse x reader where the reader and corpse broke up because he couldn’t express his feelings. So during the readers stream chat tells her to react to corpses new song which was dedicated to them

look inside/ Corpse Husband x reader

Words: 768

FLUFF

-------------------------------------------------------

You drop into your chair and start the stream. You've been live almost every day for the last few weeks. Normally, you only streamed twice a week.

But since you broke up with Corpse, you've been distracting yourself with streaming. You still have feelings for him. Which is why you're in such a bad place.

"Hey guys, how are you doing?" You ask the chat. Immediately your question is answered. Most of them write that they had a good day so far. Others write that they are glad you are live now. Someone asks how you are doing.

"I am doing quite well. Thanks for asking." You lie and smile into the camera.

"Today we have a lot to do, chat. Today we will react to videos. Do you have any requests what I should react to?" You look expectantly at the chat.

The only thing you read is: 'Please react to Corpse's new song'. You briefly consider whether you want to respond.

The viewers don't know that you were together and just broke up. They think you are friends. And that you have always been friends. To keep up this facade you decide to react to the song.

"Corpse has a new song out?" You ask and type 'CORPSE' into the search bar on YouTube.

The song is immediately displayed first. It is called 'look inside'.

You get the assumption that this song is meant for you.

Although it says that this song was posted recently, you ask the chat if it is really the song that has just been released.

When they confirm it you say: "Let's do it" and click play.

A slow melody sounds. Since it is a lyric video you can read the text.

The deep voice of your ex-boyfriend sounds. You listen to his singing. He sings about how hard it is for him to open up to others. And to talk about his problems. He sings that he has tried. About how he wants to get better and try again.

The lyrics bring tears to your eyes. You've always known how hard it is for him to open up. You tried to deal with it. You really tried. Because you loved him.

And still do. That's why you're crying now. His words have touched you.

The song is over. You wipe the tears from your cheeks.

"That touched me now." You say. "I know someone like that myself." You think of Corpse, of course.

"What do you think of the song?" You look at the chat with still watery eyes. Since your vision is blurry, you run your sweater sleeve over your eyes.

All you read are compliments. You smile: "As you saw, I liked it too. He moved me to tears."

You stare at the chat for a moment. "Guys, I need to get a tissue. God, that song was beautiful." You are already gone and go into the kitchen.

You grab a tissue and go to the kitchen island. There's your phone. You reach for it and after a long scroll, click on the chat with Corpse.

The last message he wrote was just after you broke up. In it, he asked for forgiveness.

You click on the call icon. It takes a moment for Corpse to answer.

"Um, hey." You say shyly. "Hey..." Corpse greets you sadly.

,,I just reacted to your new song. Is this directed at me?"

Corpse clears his throat: ,,Yes it is. Y/N I still love you. I just want to know that I'm trying to change. And..."

You interrupt him: "Are you really trying to change?" "Yes. I'm trying to be more open and talk about my feelings."

You smile. "Corpse. I'd like to help you with that. I'll call you back later if that's okay. My stream is still on."

"Of course it's okay. So does that mean we'll see each other again from time to time?" Corpse asks hopefully.

"Yes, we will. But I have to hang up now. See you later." You say.

"I know we're not back together yet, but I love you. I've wanted to tell you that since we broke up."

Since you still have feelings for him, you say "I love you too" back. And add a bye.

"Bye Y/N."

You put your phone aside and sprint back to your computer. A big grin on your lips.

"So guys, what are we reacting to now?"

You look at the chat. It only asks where you have been for so long. You look into the camera and smile: "That's my secret."

[beaker1636]

Single Lyrics Chapter 4 - Ryan Sitkowski

AN: This one got a little more emotional, which I felt was needed. It is time to start bringing some more of the drama into it. I really enjoyed this chapter and I hope that you guys did too!

“As soon as you can, will you get a fever reducer for Violet?  She woke up with a fever which doesn’t surprise me with her being sick but we don’t have any and I don’t want to drag her to the store,” you text Ryan, who is in the venue for the show which should be almost done by now.

You pull the fussy little girl into your arms and move back to her little room in the back lounge, happy that they made a small rocker fit in there so the two of you can cuddle up and rock, hoping that you can bring her comfort while she doesn’t feel good.  You lightly rub her cheek with your thumb while you talk to her, letting her know that she’ll feel better soon and that you and daddy will take care of her.

You hear the guys come on the bus but you don’t acknowledge them or go out towards them, wanting to keep her happy so you softly sing to her as you hold her to you, singing a song that your father always sang to you when you were little that was a comfort for you.  You have your eyes closed as you relax into the rocking motion, trying to let her know that it is alright to relax some.

The door opens but you don’t notice until you finish the song and open your eyes, noticing now that Ryan is in front of you with a syringe of medicine for Violet with a soft expression on his face, watching the two of you.

“Heaven is still your go to comfort song huh? Yet another way that you have surprised me, after all this time when you or someone else needs comfort that is still your go to,” he says softly, stepping next to you and Violet so he can bend down and give her the medicine that she needs, one of his hands brushing against your arm as he does.  You’re not sure why the touch brings a butterfly feeling to your stomach but it does and you hate yourself for it.

“Dad always sang it to me when I was sick, or had nightmares or whatever as a child.  It means a lot to me and is always my go to when I am taking care of people.  It’s another way I keep his memory with me,” you say softly, glancing away because you don’t want to acknowledge the tears that are starting to build in your eyes.  

“I always wished I could have met him, thank him for raising an amazing daughter because from what you have always said he sounds like he had a great influence on you,” Ryan says gently as he lightly takes Violet out of your arms and switches you places.

“For example, I am pretty sure that anyone else would never have agreed to help me like you are doing… and you are amazing towards her.  There is never anything I can do to thank you for taking care of her, this last month you have blown me away with how great you are with her.  Even when she is sick today I could see so much patience and love when you were in here with her when I walked in just now, just thank you,” he says softly, hoping that he didn’t just make you uncomfortable.

“She makes it easy to love her,” you say before turning towards the door and leaving, going to your bunk so that you can distract yourself from your thoughts only to bump into Vinny, who can tell something is wrong.

“Hey, are you okay? We don’t leave for a little bit if you want to go for a walk, clear your head. I’ll go with you,” he offers, a smile on his face as he watches you wipe your eyes to brush tears away.

“That would be nice actually, thank you Vin.  Let me grab my jacket, yeah?” You say before remembering that Violet had thrown up all over your hoodie. “Nevermind, I forgot I can’t use mine right now until we stop somewhere and I can get it washed.”

“Here, take one of my hoodies,” he offers, digging in his bunk before grabbing one and handing it to you. “Come on, let’s go.”

The two of you get a couple weird looks when you both leave together, but only because of the time.  Everyone has been able to tell that you two have become close friends in the time you have been on tour with them so they don’t bat an eye at that.

Vinny walks for a while with you in silence, not sure what to say or if he should say anything right now.  All he could tell was that you were crying when you left Violet with Ryan and he is worried about that.  He isn’t sure if the two of you have had a fight, or if bad memories came back but he really doesn’t like to see you upset.  He can also tell that you are starting to feel things for Ryan again, but he hasn’t brought it up to you either because he isn’t sure if you are ready to talk about that or if you are aware of how you feel yet.

He eventually gives up and decides to ask what he has been wondering. “Hey, what’s wrong? I just want to make sure that you are okay,” he says softly, his steps slowing down as he looks over at you.

“Nothing, I was singing to Violet and Ryan recognized the song and said something about how I have always loved it.  It reminded me of my dad, and even though it has been years it brought up memories of how he used to sing it to me when I was little and sick or scared.  It made me miss him a little bit is all,” you admit. “And then Ryan made a comment about how he always wished he could have met him, and for some reason that just made me miss him more.  I don’t know why, it just hit me tonight.  I think it is because we are coming up on the anniversary of his death and while it has been so long it still hurts having that reminder that he isn’t here.”

You don’t realize that your tears have finally started to fall until Vinny reaches out to pull you into a hug, rubbing your back to comfort you as he lets you cry it all out.  “It’s okay to still be upset, everyone still wants their parents sometimes no matter how old they get.  I can’t imagine not being able to talk to mine when I need to.”

“It was when Ryan said that he wishes he could have met him that got to me, because I actually intended for him to meet my father when we dated years ago.  That was the trip that dad never came home from, he was supposed to meet him when they got home.  He was there for me a lot back then and those memories hurt to have too, because,” you cut off, realizing what you are about to say and stopping yourself from saying it.  Knowing that if you admit it that it suddenly will be real and you aren’t ready to accept that you are starting to want Ryan back in your life like that.

“Because you miss those moments with him? Because you still love him and wish he could have met him before he died?” Vinny asks, giving you a knowing look when you suddenly look startled and glanced away from him, refusing to meet his eyes.

“I don’t know what you are talking about, I don’t love him. I love how he is with Violet, that he is a great father and that is just getting to me, all guys are attractive when they are great with kids, that is all that it is.” You quickly spill, trying to cover your tracks, to not let it show that he is correct and that you do love Ryan still.

“You can deny it but I can see it, you aren’t upset about missing your father, you are upset because you can’t talk to him about everything you are feeling, that you never got the chance to introduce him to Ry and get his opinion.  You know, he isn’t a young idiot anymore and I think he really cares about you too.” Vinny says, slowly starting to lead you back towards the bus.

“No, you can’t tell me he cares about me too when he doesn’t.  He proved that all those years ago and I refuse to let myself get attached again especially now when there is a child involved in the equation.  I can’t hurt myself again like that, and I don’t want her to get mixed in and close to me only to lose me too.  She already lost her parents; she doesn’t need to lose others who care about her.” You say, now starting to get frustrated.  Starting to wonder why you agreed to this job because you know that you are going to get hurt in the end.  Whether it be because you give in and let him back in your heart so that he can break it again, or because you break your own heart by walking away on your own from this little girl you have fallen in love with and this man that you have never been able to let go.

“That makes a lot more sense now, you aren’t even upset about any of what has happened.  You are scared that you might hurt her and make her feel the loss you feel from losing your father if things don’t end well in some way.  Whether it be you quit or something happens with Ryan.  Sounds like you have a lot of thinking that you need to do, maybe you need to resign before this goes too far if you genuinely see this ending badly.  Listen, I don’t want you to get hurt and think you need to do what you need to do.  Take some time to think, figure out what is best for you and for Violet, I don’t think that you should consider Ryan because after the shit he did to you I don’t think it should matter what he wants.  Just think about what you want, and you can talk to me if you need to,” Vinny says before stepping back onto the bus, both of you dropping the subject. 

You slip into your bunk, not in the mood to be social and also because Vinny is right.  You have a lot that you need to think about, to figure out and the sooner you decide the better it will be for you, Violet and ultimately Ryan.  You just can’t help but wish that it was easier to decide, that you didn’t feel selfish for worrying about yourself for once.  You pull your stuffed duck close to you as you let a couple stray tears fall again, confused and conflicted about what you need to do.