#and 22 felt so far away but i’m actually 22 now

[hightowres]

22 was like, the worst idea that i have ever had

[mirisss]

Mine To Love

Cat hybrid! Park Sunghoon x human! afab! reader 

Summary: Park Sunghoon had a rough life for many years, it wasn’t easy being a hybrid for him, most people loved buying or adopting cat hybrids as pets but anyone who adopted him, quickly returned him to the shelter, he didn’t understand why, so when a girl named (Y/n) finally adopted him, he was going to do everything he could to make sure she would keep him. 

Warnings: Possessiveness, jealousy, some anxiety, some depression, Sunghoon is kind of obsessed with the reader, some steamier scenes, 

Wordcount ≈ 4.6 k

Sunghoon’s POV

The shelter was buzzing with life as it was packed with probably a hundred people who were here to find a hybrid to adopt. The noise annoyed me, it was too loud, and I knew, no one would look twice at me, whenever they looked at me, they noticed my age and kept on looking for someone younger. 

I don’t understand why, hybrids aren’t like normal pets, we don’t just live for 10 years, we live as long as humans if not even longer. So what if I was in my early twenties? I still had a good 70 or even 80 years to live, unless I got sick of course, I’m well-behaved, but still, I’m unlovable it seems. 

Since I was three years old, I have been adopted and returned to the shelter, 15 times. 15 times during 19 years and for the last 3 years, I have been at the shelter, without anyone showing the slightest interest in me. 

Everyone at the shelter always whispered, thinking I wouldn’t hear them, saying it was weird because I’m a purebred, black Maine coon, quite an attractive breed, big, cuddly, independent. And my more human form wasn’t bad looking either, many people often gushing over me but still, no one wanted me. 

I stayed in the far corner of my room, I’d like to call it a cage but it was quite a nice room, this was one of the better shelters, but it still felt like a cage. I had barely left the room since I had been returned last time, too sad and depressed, I didn’t want to go outside and play with the others, it was easier staying here, alone. 

Every now and then a child would bang their dirty hands on the window into my room, excited to see the hybrid inside it, but as I looked at them, they ran away. Some even going as far as crying, thinking I looked scary. My yet black hair and ears, my dark eyes, and the protruding fangs on my lips, probably made me look like a monster to them. Even their parents would hurry away from my room as they saw what had frightened their child. 

I had truly given up on finding a home. 3 years and no one even stayed by my room for longer than 15 seconds, and yes, I kept count, that’s what hope does to you, but now, I just sit here, waiting for an employee to bring me food and try to cheer me up with false promises. Maybe next time. Someone will come eventually. This just wasn’t your day. Try to smile more, maybe they’ll be intrigued with you then. Smile more, yeah right, showing off my fangs even more. 

I was a Maine coon, in my cat form I was huge, and in my human form, my fangs resembled that of a vampire’s, if I smile, you can see the full extent of them, most people assume I’m a panther, a wild big cat, and that’s not a family-friendly pet. 

The shelter was closing in 30 minutes, the sun had set, casting my room into darkness, I still hadn’t moved an inch from my corner, it was better this way, people wouldn’t even have to think someone was in this room. Each glance still gave me some hope so if they don’t look, it’s easier on my fragile heart. 

Suddenly my ears picked up the sound of someone unlocking the door to my room, probably an employee who would turn on the lights, but to my surprise, there was a woman, a customer, standing beside the employee. Had someone actually asked to see me? No, don’t get your hopes up. “This is Sunghoon, he’s 22 years old, a Maine coon, his coat is jet black… He’s probably the closest hybrid we have to your requests, ms. Kim,” The woman looked me up and down, her eyes held distaste in them, she wasn’t satisfied with me. “Why would I want something so glum and sad, no, I think I’ll take my business elsewhere, nothing here seems to satisfy my taste,” My heart sank, of course, I wasn’t enough. Too sad and glum. I contemplated trying to smile but the woman had already turned and walked away by the time I had blinked. 

With just five more minutes until no more customers were allowed, I noticed someone standing outside my window, looking at me, they had stood there for a good minute or two. I looked up to the window and found a girl standing there, she looked sad, just like I did. When she noticed me looking at her, she waved her hand in a tiny motion, most people would have missed it had they not been looking at her hand. I waved back in the same tiny motion. And then she left. My heart broke, once again, I had been a fool to think that someone would choose me. 

“I’m sorry, miss but we’re closing down in about a minute so we can’t let you meet any of the hybrids, you can come back tomorrow though,” “Oh, okay, sorry for being so late, I’ll make sure to come back tomorrow,” The voices came from right outside my door, maybe just maybe, the girl who would return tomorrow, was the one who had waved at me just a minute earlier. 

~ The next day ~ 

I lay emotionless in my bed, I hadn’t touched the breakfast the employees had given me an hour ago. I heard the buzzing of people walking around looking at hybrids again, no footsteps stopped at my door, and no one was interested in me. That was until the clock struck 12, lunchtime, the buzzing halted as everyone went to eat lunch. It was then that I heard light footsteps approaching my door, I thought they were just passing, but they stopped outside my room, the lock slowly turning, and then the door opened. 

In the opening, stood the girl from yesterday. She was shyly smiling at me. She was cute. I couldn’t help but smile back, only for a second though as she gasped at the sight of my fangs, so I quickly stopped smiling and looked away, ready for the door to close again. Another pair of footsteps was walking toward us, no doubt an employee. 

“I’m sorry about that, emergency with one of the small ones, anyway, this is Sunghoon, 22 years old, Maine coon, jet black coat, as far as we know he is well-behaved, quite calm and kind, we don’t know how cuddly he is, but I’m sure he’ll warm up once you get to know him,” It wasn’t the first time they had introduced me to someone, but each year with my age going up, most people would become uninterested when they heard how old I was, yet this girl still seemed intrigued with me. “How long has he been in the shelter?” “Almost his whole life, he has been adopted many times but all those homes didn’t work out, so he has been returned to us far too many times,” 

The girl’s eyes became glossy as she heard about my history. “Was he just returned for no reason?” The employee looked at me with pity. “Most reasons were that he was too big as a cat, too old, too quiet, or similar things, nothing about bad behavior,” “Would it be okay if we spent some time alone, to talk?” “Of course, just close the door and when you wish to leave, just knock on it and we’ll come and open it,” “Are you okay with that? Me staying here with you for a while?” Sunghoon was confused, was this girl asking him for his opinion? I just nodded, too afraid to speak at the moment, scared that this was all a dream. 

Third Person POV

The employee left and now it was just Sunghoon and the girl in the room, she sat down on the floor, facing the bed that Sunghoon was sitting on. He felt bad that she had to sit on the cold hard floor, but he didn’t want to overstep any boundaries and ask her to take the bed. 

“I’m (Y/n),” Sunghoon looked at her, she was smiling at him, but he noticed the way she was trembling, nervous, and anxious, it was similar to what he was feeling. “I’m Sunghoon,” He covered his mouth with his hand so that she couldn’t see his fangs as he introduced himself. “Why do you do that? Cover your mouth?” Sunghoon continued holding his hand in front of his mouth as he answered. “My fangs are quite large and people find them intimidating so I’ve found that people feel more comfortable around me if I do this,” “They’re beautiful, your fangs I mean,” Sunghoon felt his heart skip a beat, she thought his fangs were beautiful. “What do you mean?” “Your fangs, they’re a great contrast to your dark hair, ears, and tail, your fangs are so clear and white, while your hair is jet black, it suits you, when I gasped earlier it wasn’t because I found you scary, it was because you were so breathtakingly handsome,” (Y/n)’s face flushed red as she said that, Sunghoon found it intriguing. 

Never before had anyone taken his opinion into account before doing something, and never had he seen someone be so genuine and real about their thoughts of him. Sunghoon dared move his hand away from his mouth, allowing (Y/n) to see his whole face again. “How come you’re here? At the shelter, and with me?” (Y/n) smiled as he removed his hand, admiring his fangs and handsome face. “I’m lonely, so I want to find a companion, someone I can come home to so that my house feels less empty, I want someone who is genuine, I want a real friend, and I want to help someone, give them a home too. When I was here yesterday, I was drawn to you, everyone else looks so happy and cheerful, they’re children, but you, you looked like me, lonely, so I wanted to know more about you,” 

Sunghoon didn’t understand, how could such a kind girl be lonely. “Why are you lonely?” She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. I don’t talk with my family, we fell out about a year ago over a silly disagreement, I’ve tried reaching out to them but they don’t answer so I’ve given up on that. I had some friends but after I went through a breakup, they all left because they took his side, it was messy, so I just left, it was easier that way. And after that, I have barely been out except for work,” Sunghoon’s guarded gaze softened as (Y/n)’s eyes became glossy with tears. They were both abandoned by the people who were supposed to love them and protect them. This had to be it. This girl has to be my forever home. Sunghoon thought. 

(Y/n) buried her face in her hands, trying to stop herself from crying. Sunghoon silently got off the bed and crawled toward her on the floor, just like the cat inside him, he moved without a sound. Gently, the hybrid wrapped his long arms around the girl, trying his best to comfort her, (Y/n) was shocked at the action but she quickly relaxed into him and returned the hug. It had been so long since someone had embraced him or even shown the slightest of physical love for him, like petting him or hugging him, that this one hug, caused him to purr loudly. 

Sunghoon was embarrassed, he barely remembered that he could purr because he hadn’t done it for over 10 years. His face and neck flushed a deep red color. (Y/n) noticed as they slightly separated from one another, she smiled and giggled, he looked so cute. Her giggles only caused him to blush more. “You look so cute like this, like a kitten, almost,” “Ya, I’m an adult,” “Mhm, maybe, but you still look cute,” Sunghoon was happy that (Y/n) seemed to have shaken away the sadness from before, he like seeing her smile, he wished he could protect her happiness so that she would never have to cry again. 

“Would you like it if I adopted you? I think we’d really get along, and maybe, we’d feel less lonely,” Sunghoon was afraid, what if she returned him just like everyone else? This was the final chance, if this doesn’t work out, he’ll never return to the shelter, he’ll run away. One final chance at having a home. One last time, he would allow himself to believe he was actually wanted. “I’d really like that,” “I’ll get started on the paperwork then,” 

2 hours later, (Y/n) finally finished signing and reading all the papers regarding the adoption. The employees were happy for Sunghoon but also for themselves, they were losing money on keeping such an old hybrid in the shelter, most other shelters would have euthanized him by now, so they just hoped that this time, he wouldn’t be returned. They hoped that this was the last time they saw him. “There, all done, miss. Sunghoon doesn’t have many belongings, only a small bag of clothes, and he doesn’t have a collar, so before you can leave with him, you’ll have to buy one and have your name and address and everything written on the tag,” “Can I buy a collar here?” “No, you can do it a few stores down, at the pet and hybrid shop, they close soon though so you might have to come back tomorrow,” “If I run there and get the collar fixed, can I bring him home today?” “Yes, if you get the collar, you can have him, right now,” 

(Y/n) rushed out the door, running to the store, ready to fix the collar so that the poor boy could leave that place. “Hey, I want this collar, and these things printed on the tag, please,” it took 10 minutes to fix the collar, right before the store closed, once (Y/n) held the collar in her hands she ran back to the shelter, not wanting Sunghoon to believe she had abandoned him. By the time she returned to the shelter, she was out of breath and panting, she showed the shelter employees the collar, and once they said that it was approved, she walked over to his room, opening the door with a smile. 

“Ready to go home?” “You didn’t leave? You’re actually adopting me?” “I did leave for a few minutes to get this,” (Y/n) held her hand toward him, the collar in it catching his attention. Sunghoon looked at it with adoration in his eyes. He finally noticed that her heart was racing, her face flushed, some sweat had formed on her forehead, she had been running, all to be able to take him home today. Home. “And, yes, of course, I am. If you still want me to,” (Y/n) looked a bit hesitant, what if Sunghoon had changed his mind about her? She began retracting her hand, but before she could bring it more than an inch closer to her, Sunghoon quickly snatched the collar from her hand and put it on himself. “Let’s go home, please,” (Y/n) smiled at him, and gently grabbed one of his hands into hers, his other hand held a small bag, his clothes. We need to get him some new clothes, one day at a time. (Y/n) gently guided the cat out of his room and out of the shelter toward her car. 

It felt like a fever dream, she treated him like a person and not just a pet, he got to ride in the front seat of the car, in his human form, every car ride he had ever had previously was in his cat form. Sunghoon didn’t dare let go of (Y/n)’s hand once they both sat in the car, afraid that if he wasn’t touching her, she would disappear. But she didn’t, she was there, she was real, and now she was his. 

Sunghoon was in awe of the house in front of him, (Y/n) had parked the car in front of a cozy-looking house. It wasn’t the biggest one he had seen, but it was the one that looked the most like a home. “Welcome home, it’s not huge but it’s enough for the two of us,” “I don’t know what to say, I’m just so happy to finally have a place to call home, thank you,” Once again, Sunghoon embraced (Y/n) into a tight hug, he didn’t even notice himself moving closer to her before he had already buried his face in her neck. Her scent was intoxicatingly sweet, he liked it, a lot. 

“I didn’t expect you to be so cuddly, I’m not complaining, though, but at the shelter they told me you were quite cold to everyone,” “Mhm, being rejected over and over will do that to you, I don’t know why, but I just really like being close to you,” He snuggled even closer to the human, his tail was swishing back and forth, his sensitive ears made magnetic shocks go through him as they rubbed against her. “Come on, let’s head inside, it’s cold out here, at least for me, I know hybrids tend to be warmer than us humans, so you might not notice it as well as I do,” Sunghoon reluctantly released her so that they could walk into the house. Everything smelled so strongly of her, he loved it, he never wanted to leave.  

 (Y/n) showed Sunghoon around the house, he still held onto her hand whenever he could, “So, this is my bedroom, and here just across from it, would be your room, it’s really plain right now but you will be able to decorate it as you wish, these two rooms have private bathrooms so we don’t have to share, and then downstairs there’s another bathroom that we can use when we’re down there or if we have guests over, which we probably won’t have considering that I don’t have any friends and you’ve been in the shelter for so long,” Sunghoon didn’t understand why he almost felt happy about it being only the two of them, forever. 

“The bed is made for you in there, there’s a towel and toiletries in the bathroom if you want to take a shower before going to bed, I have taken time of work for a week so we can go out shopping for some new clothes and things for your room during the upcoming days, I also don’t know anything about your preferred diet so we need to buy stuff for that too,” “I eat most things humans do, except for mint-choco ice cream, I need to eat a lot of protein to stay healthy, and because of my cat side I can’t eat big amounts of onion, garlic, and stuff like that. I can eat some but not a lot or I can get gut problems or even anemia,” “Good to know, well, we’ll go shopping tomorrow so everything will be fine, you can pick whatever you want then, I’m gonna head to bed as I’m exhausted, sleep well, kitten,” 

Sunghoon blushed at the nickname, “Ya, I’m not a kitten,” “Mhm, you keep telling yourself that,” “Good night,” Sunghoon was a bit scared to say good night, afraid that this wonderful dream would end if he did. Nonetheless, he opened the door to his room. (Y/n) had been right about the room being plain, but so had his room at the shelter been so one more night of that, didn’t bother him. The bed was big, almost three times the size of his old one. He walked into the bathroom, it was nice, luxurious even, once again, he realized that (Y/n) treated him as a person and not as a pet. 

Even though he was part cat, Sunghoon loved showering, it was nice feeling clean and fresh, the soap in the bathroom was mostly targeted toward women as it smelled like roses, it smelled like (Y/n), so Sunghoon didn’t mind it. He liked smelling like her. However, he would have wished that the scent actually came directly from (Y/n) and not just from using the same soap. 

After the shower, Sunghoon lay down in the bed, it was soft, like a cloud, before he knew it, he had fallen asleep, dreaming of (Y/n) and how living with her would be. 

~ Fast forward a week ~ 

During this week, (Y/n) and Sunghoon had gone shopping for clothes, towels, toiletries, food, and a few decorative pieces for his room and for the house to make it feel more like his home as well and not only have touches of (Y/n). Sunghoon enjoyed spending time with (Y/n), at home it was just the two of them, he could hug her as much as he wanted to, he could make sure that his scent was all over her, and hers on him, he was lovesick and he never wanted this to end. 

A week had gone by, and it was now time for (Y/n) to go back to work. This means Sunghoon would be home alone for a few hours every other day as (Y/n) could work from home some days. “I don’t want you to leave, please don’t leave me,” He tried to give the human his best ‘puppy eyes’, but nothing worked, she wouldn’t budge. “I have to work, Hoon, otherwise I can’t afford to keep the house, or you,” Sunghoon was pouting but he eventually gave in, letting go of (Y/n), he went to the sofa, shifted to his cat form, and curled up on the sofa, covering his eyes with his tail. He was sad and wanted to spend his lonely hours asleep until (Y/n) would return from work. 

Eventually, Sunghoon got used to (Y/n) heading to work every other day, he still didn’t like it, but he understood that it was a must for her to work. To work off some of his possessive feelings that wanted to lock her up and never let her leave him, Sunghoon began working out, he quickly became buff, his muscles defined and tempting. Oh so tempting, for (Y/n). There was no denying that she had found the hybrid incredibly attractive before, but now, she could barely resist throwing herself at him. But that would be wrong. What if he didn’t want that? So she tried to keep her horny thoughts to herself, and maybe it was time to find a new partner so that she could blow off some steam. Even if she wished that her partner would be Sunghoon. 

~ About a month after (Y/n) went back to work ~

(Y/n) walked through the door, groceries in hand, Sunghoon noticed that she seemed extra cheerful today, he had been in his cat form so he shifted back to his human form just as she came into the living room. “Hello, kitten, how are you?” “I’m good, worked out a bit earlier, and then I watched a movie, fell asleep, that’s about it, how about you?” “I’m good, I ate lunch with one of my coworkers today, Jay, he’s really nice, he even paid for my lunch, he’s handsome as well,” 

Sunghoon’s smile fell. (Y/n) had eaten lunch with another man, he’s handsome, no, you’re not supposed to find other men attractive, you have me, you don’t need anyone else. He thought, but he tried to swallow his jealousy, he couldn’t lose you for such a silly reason. Silly. No. This was about life or death. 

For the following couple of days, (Y/n) always had something to say about this Jay. Sunghoon was trying his best to control himself but each day it got harder and harder, the final straw for his self-control was when you returned home, later than usual, and you smelled like a man, it was subtle, but it was clearly there for his sensitive nose. Someone’s trying to steal my (Y/n) from me. 

As (Y/n) stepped into the living room, talking about Jay once again, his scent creeping up on Sunghoon, her eyes sparkling, he couldn’t take it anymore. He was jealous, jealous that another man had touched his girl, jealous that (Y/n) seemed so enthralled with this man. He was threatened, what if this Jay takes his place in (Y/n)’s life? What if she doesn’t want him anymore if she has Jay? What if he loses his home? He couldn’t control himself, his body moving out of pure instinct. 

Sunghoon lightly pushed (Y/n)’s shoulders until her back collided with the wall, he had one hand on her waist now, and the other on her cheek, he gazed into her eyes with yearning, worry, sadness, and an urgency like never before. “What--mmm” Before she could end her sentence, Sunghoon crashed his lips onto hers, his fangs felt cold against her lips yet she welcomed the feeling, it was exciting, new, it felt dangerous. 

(Y/n) was surprised, stunned, by the cat’s actions, but she didn’t dare push him away, not because of fear, but because she was afraid this was her only chance to experience him. Sunghoon inhaled deeply, almost going feral from the scent of the (Y/n)’s arousal, this only caused him to deepen the kiss even more. 

Once Sunghoon stopped attacking (Y/n)’s lips with his own, he had teary eyes, from frustration, “Please don’t abandon me for some guy, I’m better than him, please, you have to be mine, you’re mine to keep, mine to love, please, I love you, I don’t want to share you with anyone, I want to be selfish, just this once, please, (Y/n),” 

(Y/n) was still trying to catch her breath from the make-out session that had just happened, she raised one hand to his cheek, gently caressing it, wiping away some tears that escaped from his eye, she leaned in, giving him a gentle peck on the lips. “I’m all yours, Honnie, you don’t have to share, don’t worry, I only need you,” 

Sunghoon immediately leaned down for more kisses. This time even deeper, yet more gentle than the first. He was ecstatic, he finally had his home, and his person, his person that he didn’t have to share. She was his and he was hers. “I can’t control myself anymore, I need all of you,” “Then take me,” Sunghoon lifted (Y/n) up and carried her to his bed, where they spent a long night reassuring one another of their love for each other, and Sunghoon made sure to erase every trace of Jay from her body and mind. Now his scent was engulfing her entire being, and his image was the only one in her head. His tail swished happily back and forth as (Y/n) lay in his arms, and soon enough she fell asleep, as she listened to him spinning loudly, happy to finally call her his. 

[snowysosturn]

Speeding Car - Matt Sturniolo Part 18

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29

Pairing : y/n x Matt Sturniolo

Summary : After six years with your boyfriend Alex, you start to mentally check out. At a UCLA party, Alex reconnects with his childhood friend Emily, who proposes a double date with her boyfriend Matt. Your attraction to Matt grows as he pays you the first real attention you've had in years, sparking a complicated emotional journey.

Warnings : (This is actually now the longest chapter so far, 6.3k words, a lot does happen but good jesus just wait for the next few, will try my best to keep word counts down but cant guarentee!) MDNI, angst, fluff, tension, guilt, cheating (do not), betrayal, suggestive

Matt’s POV

As the night passed by, we both started to drift off, the warmth of her body curled up against mine calming me into a deep, peaceful sleep. It was the kind of sleep that comes after a long day, after a whirlwind of emotions, content but heavy, like my body was finally letting go of all the tension I’d been holding onto.

At some point, I woke up. The room was still and dark, the only sound being the gentle rhythm of Y/n's breathing beside me. I blinked a few times, trying to shake off the grogginess. I wondered what time it was so I reached for my jacket for my phone. Only to realise I hadn’t brought it in with me, I left it in the car. I felt a slight pang of anxiety. Nick and Chris were probably wondering where the hell I was, and I hadn’t even thought to check in.

Carefully, I reached over Y/n, my fingers brushing against her phone on the nightstand. I tapped the screen, squinting at the sudden burst of light. 2:42 AM. It was later than I thought. But what really caught my eye was the mountain of notifications on her screen, texts from Alex, trying to reach her.

A tightness settled in my chest as I stared at the notifications. I didn’t read them, but I could imagine the contents. I didn’t want to think about Alex or Emily right now, but reality was creeping back in, reminding me of the complications we’d have to face.

I sighed quietly, not wanting to wake Y/n, but knowing I needed to figure out what to do next. I carefully started to slide out of bed, trying not to disturb her, but she shifted slightly as I moved, her eyelids fluttering open.

“Matt?” she mumbled, her voice thick with sleep.

“Shh, it’s okay” I whispered, leaning down to press a soft kiss to her forehead. “Go back to sleep.”

But she was already awake, her eyes focusing on me in the dim light. “Where are you going?” she asked, her voice tinged with concern.

“I just realized I left my phone in the car” I explained softly. “I’m going to grab it, and then I’ll be back.”

She nodded sleepily, her hand reaching out to touch my arm as if to anchor me there for just a moment longer. “Don’t take too long” she whispered, her eyes already starting to close again.

“I won’t” I promised, leaning down to kiss her once more, this time on her lips, a lingering, gentle kiss that I hoped would reassure her.

I slowly pulled away, slipping out of bed and quietly making my way to the door. I paused for a moment, glancing back at her, her figure outlined softly by the glow of the street lights outside. Even in the dim light, she looked peaceful, beautiful.

With a deep breath, I opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, closing it gently behind me. I opened the front door and made my way down to the car. But as I walked, the weight of what had just happened began to press down on me. We’d crossed a line, one that couldn’t be uncrossed, and I wasn’t sure what came next. All I knew was that, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be..

The car sat parked out front, dimly lit by the street lights, and I could see my phone lying on the passenger seat through the window. As I reached the car, I unlocked it and opened the door, grabbing my phone and immediately tapping on the screen.

The screen lit up, and the notifications began to flood in. First from Emily, then Nick, and finally Chris. My stomach tightened as I saw Emily’s name at the top of the list. I hadn’t wanted to deal with this yet, but it seemed I didn’t have a choice.

Emily had sent a string of messages:

“Matt, where are you?” 

“Why aren’t you answering me?”

 “Who are you with?”

 “Are you with Y/n? Tell me the truth.”

 “Matt, answer me. Don’t ignore me like this.”

My jaw clenched as I scrolled through her texts. Her tone was sharp, accusatory. Then there were the missed calls - several from her, and one from Nick.

I swiped over to Nick’s messages next, hoping for something less stressful:

“Bitch, where’d you go?” 

“Can you let me know you’re good? We haven’t heard from you.” 

“Chris is getting worried, Nate is literally consoling him because he thinks you’re dead. Let us know you’re okay.”

Chris’s messages were much the same, filled with concern rather than annoyance. They weren’t used to me disappearing like this, especially without a word. They were probably wondering if something had happened.

I leaned back against the car seat, staring at the screen as if it might offer some sort of solution. Emily was spiraling, Nick and Chris were worried, and I was caught in the middle of it all, not wanting to explain where I’d been or what I’d been doing.

Taking a deep breath, I decided to start with Nick and Chris. I shot off a quick text to both of them:

“Hey, sorry for disappearing. I’m fine don’t worry, I’ll explain tomorrow.”

That should hold them off for now.

Then I turned back to Emily’s messages, hesitating for a moment before typing out a response. I wasn’t in the mood to argue or get into anything with her, not after the night I’d just had. But I knew if I didn’t answer, it would only get worse.

“Emily, I’m fine. I’ll call you in the morning.” I typed out, but before I could send it, another message from her popped up.

“If you’re with Y/n, I swear to God, Matt. Don’t you dare lie to me.”

My frustration spiked as I read her words. I’d had enough for one night. I deleted the message I was going to send and locked the phone, shoving it into my pocket.

Leaning back against the car, I took a moment to gather my thoughts. The cool breeze helped clear my head a bit, but it didn’t ease the frustration building up inside me. I needed to figure out how to handle this, how to deal with Emily and everything that had happened tonight. But for now, I just wanted to get back to Y/n.

As I walked back up the steps to Y/n’s apartment, the weight of everything that had happened started to settle in. I knew I couldn’t just stay the night, not without raising more questions - questions I wasn’t ready to answer. Nick and Chris were already worried, and disappearing like this wasn’t something I typically did. If I stayed, it would only complicate things further, especially when I had a girlfriend.

Reaching the door, I hesitated for a moment before letting myself in. The apartment was quiet, the only sound was the faint buzz of the city outside. I made my way back to Y/n’s room, the warmth of the space immediately comforting after the cold outside.

Y/n was lying in bed, her eyes half closed as she looked up at me. The sight of her, wrapped up in the sheets, made me want to crawl back in beside her and forget about everything else. But I knew I couldn’t. Not tonight.

“Hey” I said softly, trying to keep my voice even. “I need to go.”

Her eyes opened wider, a mix of confusion and concern flashing across her face. “Why? What’s wrong?”

“Nick and Chris are getting worried” I explained, sitting on the edge of the bed. “It’s not like me to just disappear like that, and I can’t exactly say I’m staying with you… It would be a bit suspicious.”

She nodded slowly, her expression understanding but tinged with disappointment. “Yeah, I get it.”

I reached out, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’ll see you tomorrow, though.”

She gave me a small smile, but I could see the conflict in her eyes. “Okay.”

Leaning down, I pressed a kiss to her forehead, lingering for a moment longer than necessary. I wanted to stay. I wanted to be here with her, but I knew the reality of the situation wouldn’t allow it.

“I’ll text you when I get home” I promised as I stood up, trying to reassure both her and myself.

She nodded again, her eyes following me as I moved toward the door. I paused for a second, taking in the sight of her one last time before forcing myself to turn away.

“Goodnight, Y/n.”

“Goodnight, Matt.”

I left the apartment, the door closing softly behind me, and the sense of finality hit me like a ton of bricks. But for now, I had to focus on getting home and figuring out how to navigate the tangled mess of emotions and responsibilities that awaited me there.

When I finally pulled into the garage, I could see the lights still on in the house. I hoped, for once, that Nick and Chris had called it a night. The last thing I needed was to explain where I’d been and make things even more complicated. But, of course, things never seemed to go that smoothly.

I opened the door from the garage into the hallway, trying to sneak past Chris’ room without a sound. As soon as the door clicked shut behind me, I heard the floor creak and Chris’ voice came from his room, full of concern, while Nate was passed out on his bed.

“Matt, holy fuck, where have you been? You worried me.” Chris said, stepping into the hallway, his eyes wide with worry.

Before I could fully process a response, I heard Nick’s footsteps coming down the stairs from the kitchen. Great. Just what I needed - a late night interrogation from both of them.

“I’m fine, man” I started, trying to sound as casual as possible. “I was with Y/n. She needed to vent about Alex, so we went for a walk.”

Chris seemed to relax a bit, but I could see the curiosity still flickering in his eyes. Nick, on the other hand, looked less convinced as he joined us at the bottom of the stairs, crossing his arms.

“Oh, I’m surprised she didn’t text me to talk..” Nick said, his voice full of suspicion.

I forced a shrug, trying to play it off like it was no big deal. Lie again. “Yeah, I guess she just thought it would be easier, you know? Since I’m with Emily.. and she’s with Alex.. and they’re away together right now..”

I could see the cogs turning in Nick's head. “That’s fair.” He said with a nod.

Chris seemed to accept it straight away, nodding slowly. “Okay, but next time, just shoot us a text or something. You know, so we don’t think you’ve gone missing or whatever.”

I nodded, grateful that he was letting it go. “Yeah, I will. Sorry about that.”

Nick still looked a little suspicious, but he didn’t press any further. Instead, he just gave me a nod and turned to head back upstairs. “Alright. Just don’t disappear like that again.”

“Got it” I said, trying to sound as sincere as possible.

As they both headed back to their rooms, I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. That was too close. I had to be more careful going forward. This double life I was starting to live was already beginning to catch up with me, and I couldn’t afford any more slip ups. Not when everything was hanging by a thread.

Y/n’s POV

After Matt left, I sat there for a moment, the room suddenly feeling much emptier without him in it. I reached for my phone, not really expecting much, but when the screen lit up, a flood of notifications greeted me. All from Alex.

I hesitated for a moment before opening my messages, curiosity getting the better of me despite the dread I felt in the pit of my stomach. As soon as I saw Alex's name, the reality of everything came rushing back.

There were several texts, all sent in quick succession. The first few were relatively tame, almost normal.

Alex: "Hey, you okay? Haven’t heard from you in a bit."

"Miss you, babe. Did you hear anything from the board yet? I’m stressin’ out over here."

But then they started to take a different tone.

Alex: "Why aren't you responding?" "Y/n, what's going on?" "Did I do something wrong? Just talk to me."

His last message, sent just minutes ago, made my stomach turn.

Alex: "Are you seriously ignoring me? I’m starting to lose it over here. I haven’t done anything wrong. Please just answer me."

I stared at the screen, my heart heavy with guilt. I should have responded, but what could I even say? The truth was, I couldn’t bring myself to care as much as I used to. Not after everything that had happened between us - or rather, everything that hadn’t happened but should have.

My thoughts were still on Matt, the way he made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Something real, something more than the hollow connection I’d been clinging to with Alex.

But seeing these messages.. it brought everything crashing back down. The reality of my relationship with Alex, the fact that he was still out there, believing we were okay. That he was still my boyfriend.

But after what Jess had told me, and after what I know now, how could I continue on with him? It wasn’t just about me anymore. It was about everything he had done - things I could no longer ignore, things that made it impossible for me to keep pretending.

Still, I couldn't help but wonder if Matt might be regretting everything. Maybe he didn’t want to get involved in this mess. Maybe he was already pulling away.

What if Matt was regretting everything? What if that’s the real reason he left? The thought clawed at me, making my chest tighten with uncertainty. He had to go home to his brothers, sure, but what if he was using that as an excuse?

What if he doesn’t really like me like that?

I replayed the night over and over in my mind, analyzing every little thing he’d said, every touch, every glance. It all felt so real in the moment, so intense. But now, alone in the silence of my apartment, it was easy to start questioning everything.

“My girl.”

The memory of him calling me that during our time together stuck in my mind, refusing to let go. He wouldn’t say that if he didn’t mean it, right? He wouldn’t have looked at me the way he did, wouldn’t have touched me with such tenderness, if it didn’t mean something to him.. right?

But then again, people say a lot of things in the heat of the moment. Maybe it was just that - a moment. Maybe, now that he’s had time to think about it, he’s regretting it. Regretting me.

I shook my head, trying to push the thoughts away, but they clung to me stubbornly. I didn’t know what to think, didn’t know what to feel. Everything was so confusing, so tangled up in emotions that I didn’t know how to sort through.

What I did know was that I couldn’t stop thinking about him. About the way he made me feel, about the way I wanted more. And that scared me. Because wanting more from Matt meant stepping into territory that was messy and complicated. Territory that could end up hurting both of us.

But as much as I tried to reason with myself, the truth was, I didn’t want to let go of the memory of him. Of the way he made me feel like I was the only person in the world that mattered. The way he looked at me, touched me, spoke to me.

I didn’t want to lose that. Not yet.

So, I clung to the hope that maybe, just maybe, he felt the same way. That “my girl” wasn’t just something he said in the moment, but something he meant. Something he wanted. Something that wasn’t going to disappear with the morning light.

As I lay in bed, still tangled in my thoughts, my phone buzzed again. A message from Matt.

Matt: "Hey, just wanted to let you know I got home safe. Talk to you tomorrow?"

A wave of relief washed over me. The simple message brought me back from the edge of my spiraling thoughts. If Matt had regretted anything, surely he wouldn't have bothered to check in. The knot in my stomach loosened just a bit, and I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding.

I placed my phone on the nightstand, trying to let the comfort of Matt’s words put me back to sleep. But just as I was about to close my eyes, another notification lit up my screen. This time, it was from Nick.

Nick 💜: "Hey, just checking in. Matt mentioned you needed to vent about Alex. You okay? Want to meet up for brunch tomorrow?"

I stared at the message, feeling a mix of emotions. Matt had covered for us, but Nick was still concerned. It made sense, he was always looking out for me. Part of me felt guilty for dragging Matt into this, for making things more complicated. But another part of me was grateful. Grateful for the friends I had, even if things were getting messier by the day.

I quickly typed out a response.

Me: "Thanks for checking in, Nick. I’m okay. Brunch sounds good."

I hit send and then put my phone down again, hoping that this time, sleep would come a little easier. But even as I closed my eyes, my mind was still racing, trying to make sense of everything that had happened tonight. Everything that was yet to come.

The next morning, I got up after a good lie in, feeling all of the emotions still from last night. After a quick shower, I dressed casually and headed out to meet Nick, Matt, and Chris for brunch. I decided to make my own way there, as where we were meeting was right in the middle for both of us.I knew they had to go out of their way to drop Nate off at the airport. He decided he was going to meet some friends in Hawaii for a few days and would come back and stay with the triplets after.

As I walked into the small cafe we’d picked, I spotted them at a corner table. Matt saw me first and gave me a small, reassuring smile that I tried to return. Nick was busy reading through the menu, and Chris was sipping on his can of Pepsi. I slid into the seat beside Matt, catching Nick’s attention.

“Hey, you made it” Nick said with a warm grin. “How’re you feeling?”

I nodded, trying to keep things light. “Uh, better, yeah.. Thanks for checking in last night.”

Chris glanced between the two of us, raising an eyebrow. “So, what’s the story with Alex? You okay?”

Matt’s hand briefly brushed against my knee under the table, a subtle, comforting gesture that did more for me than any words could have.

I took a deep breath. “Honestly, it’s been complicated. Alex and I.. we’re not in a good place, and I think last night everything just got brought to the surface.”

Nick nodded, looking genuinely concerned. “I’m sorry, Y/n. You deserve better than to be dealing with all that.”

I appreciated their support, but they didn’t know the whole truth. I knew it was time to address Alex’s messages. I’d avoided them long enough, and the longer I waited, the more it felt like a weight hanging over me. I excused myself from the table, asking Matt to order me the blueberry pancakes if a waitress came around. 

I walked to the bathroom and into a stall. I pulled out my phone, the screen lighting up with a new string of messages from Alex. I stared at them, feeling a strange mix of anger and pity. I knew I had to reply, to say something that would put this to rest. But I also knew that I couldn’t give him the comfort he was looking for, not when I’d already made up my mind about us.

With a deep breath, I began to type.

Me:"Alex, I got the email from the board. You’re suspended for another six weeks, and they’ve stripped your captaincy. I’m sorry, but I think we need to talk when you get back. There are some things we need to figure out."

It was blunt, but I couldn’t bring myself to sugarcoat it. The truth was, our relationship was already over, I was just waiting for him to realize it too.

But I couldn't bring myself to hit send. I deleted the whole paragraph I’d typed out. I knew it was something I had to say in person. I knew the conversation wouldn’t be easy, but it was necessary. Instead I typed something small, enough to keep him at bay for the minute.

Me: 

“Sorry Alex, trying to adjust back to normal times at work. Been sleeping a lot, it’ll probably be hard to keep in contact with the time difference. Hope you and Emily are having a good time.”

I alluded to the fact I knew about them, but he’s not smart enough to pick that up. I locked my phone and left the bathroom stall, washing my hands before returning to the table.

Nick’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. “You okay?”

I looked up at him, then over at Matt, who was watching me with those deep, thoughtful eyes. “Yeah” I said finally. “I think I’m starting to be.”

Our food was ordered, and the conversation moved on to lighter topics - funny memories from past hangouts, Matt and Chris' latest obsession with some new video game called Chained Together, and Nick’s plans for the rest of the week.

Despite the unresolved tension in my life, being there with them, made me feel grounded. And for the first time in a long while, I felt like I was on the verge of something better, something that was entirely my own.

And that’s how the next six days went - almost every spare waking minute was spent together, either hanging out at my place or at Matt’s, with Nick and Chris always nearby. It was nice getting to spend time with everyone, the four of us laughing, joking, and enjoying each other’s company. The comfortable camaraderie made it easy to forget about the complications lurking in the background.

But as much as I loved being around them, I couldn’t help but wish for more alone time with Matt. It felt like every moment we spent together in the group was shadowed by the tension that simmered just below the surface, a constant reminder of the connection we were both trying so hard to keep under wraps, trying our best to not advertise our secret.

But the secret flirting between us grew bolder, the brief touches and lingering glances becoming harder to ignore. We’d catch each other’s eye across the room, and it was like everything else faded away. A shared look would send my heart racing, my thoughts spiraling into places they shouldn’t go - at least not while I was still technically with Alex, and Matt was still with Emily.

But the more time we spent together, the harder it became to mask our feelings. The jokes between us had a sharper edge, the teasing carrying a weight that neither of us acknowledged but both of us felt. Every accidental brush of our hands, every moment when our eyes locked a little too long, built up the tension until it was almost unbearable.

It was a strange, exhilarating mix of excitement and frustration. On one hand, I craved the thrill of these secret moments with Matt, the way they made me feel alive in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. But on the other, it was exhausting, trying to navigate this complicated web of emotions without letting anyone else see what was really going on.

By the end of each day, I was left feeling restless, my mind racing with thoughts of what could be if things were different - if we didn’t have to hide, if we could just be honest about how we felt. But for now, we had to play the part, keeping our feelings under wraps while the tension between us continued to grow, day by day.

It was less than 48 hours before Alex and Emily came home and the time loomed over me like a ticking clock, counting down to the inevitable confrontation. The anxiety of what was to come spun at the back of my mind, but I tried to push it aside. There was still a day and a half more to enjoy before everything had to change.

I had half an hour left of my shift, Jess had been by my side the whole time as we packed the shelves. I filled her in on everything that had happened - well, almost everything. I left out the kiss and the intimacy between Matt and I, not ready to divulge those parts just yet. Even so, she was shocked when she found out I knew Matt as well as I did.

"You and Matt?" she asked, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise. "I had no idea you two were that close. That's.. Wow."

“Well I'm friends with his brothers too, let's not forget that.” I said, almost cutting her off.

I could see the excitement bubbling up in her, the way she was practically glowing with the idea of me and Matt together. But I had to play it down, remind her of the reality of the situation. "Jess, we're technically both still in relationships" I said, trying to sound more resigned than I actually felt. "And Matt.. he's still oblivious to everything that happened between Alex and Emily."

Jess gave me a sympathetic look but then smirked, nudging me with her elbow. "He doesn’t know?! Bitch you need to tell him so you two can get a move on."

I sighed, a small smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. I don’t know why I hadn’t told Matt yet. The whole situation freaked me out, and I could never seem to find the right time to tell him.

When my shift finally ended, I stepped outside to see Matt waiting for me in his car. Hangouts the last week were a given, so I expected to see him as soon as I walked outside the Target doors. The sight of him instantly lifted my mood, pushing the lingering worries to the back of my mind. I slipped into the passenger seat, and as we drove off, Matt mentioned everyone’s plans for the evening.

“I’m warning you in advance that Nick and Chris are heading to our friend Tara’s party tonight” Matt said casually. “I’ve decided I’m not going, but they’re probably going to try and persuade you to go too.”

A small thrill of excitement ran through me. "So, it'll just be us?"

Matt nodded, glancing over at me with a slight grin. "Just us."

The rest of the drive was filled with comfortable conversation and shared laughter, the tension between us still there, but softened by the ease of each other’s company. As much as I tried to keep my feelings in check, I couldn’t help but look forward to the time we’d have alone.

When we arrived at Matt’s place, Nick and Chris were already getting ready to leave for the party. “Heyyyyy bitchessss!” Nick called out, waving us over. “We were just about to head out to Tara’s party. You’re coming, right?”

Matt shook his head, already anticipating the direction this conversation was going. “Nah, I’m definitely going to pass. You guys go have fun.”

Chris wasn’t having it, though. “Come on, Matt! You’re always turning down these things. It’ll be fun. Plus, Tara’s been asking about you.”

Matt rolled his eyes, clearly unimpressed. “Yeah, I’m sure she has. But seriously, I’m good. I just want to chill tonight.”

Nick joined in, trying a different tactic. “What about you, Y/n? You’re up for a party, right? You could help us convince Matt.”

I glanced at Matt, who was watching me with an amused expression. I shook my head, siding with him. “I’m with Matt on this one. I’m actually quite tired after work.”

Nick sighed dramatically. “You two are such party poopers.” He pointed a finger at Matt, smirking. “But don’t think this is over, Matt. You’re coming to the next one, no excuses.”

“Yeah, yeah” Matt said, waving him off. “I’ll think about it.”

With that, Nick and Chris finally relented, grabbing their things and heading out the door to their Uber. “Have fun doing whatever boring stuff you two are planning.” Chris called out as they left.

The door closed behind them, and just like that, the house was quiet again. I looked over at Matt, who was leaning against the counter with a satisfied grin.

“Well, that was easier than I thought” he said with a chuckle.

I smiled back, while sitting myself down on the couch, feeling a sense of relief that we had the place to ourselves. “Yeah, I’m glad they didn’t push too hard.”

Matt pushed off the counter, walking over to where I was sat. “So, what do you want to do now that it’s just us?”

The way he said it sent a shiver down my spine, and I had to remind myself to breathe. “Honestly, just hanging out sounds perfect.”

Matt nodded, his eyes never leaving mine. “Yeah, it does.”

Matt sat down on the couch, and it was like a magnet pulling us together. Our lips met in a heated kiss, and I could feel every worry and thought slipping away as we got lost in each other. His hands moved over my body, each touch sending shivers down my spine. He pushed me further down the couch as I felt his lips trailing down my neck, warm and insistent, lifting my shirt to continue the path of kisses lower, making my breath hitch.

But just as I was getting lost in the moment, a nagging voice in the back of my mind grew louder. Jess’s words from earlier were echoing in my head, reminding me of the truth I’d been holding back. It felt wrong to be here with Matt, to be sneaking around with him while this massive secret hung over us. I couldn’t keep it from him any longer.

“Matt” I said, my voice breaking as I pulled away slightly. I could see the confusion and concern in his eyes as he looked at me.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his tone soft, but there was an edge of worry in his voice.

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself, but the words came tumbling out in a rush. “I found out Alex cheated on me” I said, my heart pounding so hard it felt like it might burst out of my chest. “That’s what the fight was about… Alex and Emily.”

The change in Matt’s expression was instant. His face went pale, and the warmth in his eyes was replaced with shock and disbelief. “Emily?” he whispered, almost as if he couldn’t believe it. “Emily cheated on me.. with Alex?”

I nodded, my throat tight with emotion. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I couldn’t hold them back. The guilt, the pain, the betrayal - it all came crashing down on me at once. “I’m so sorry, Matt,” I choked out, the tears now streaming down my face. “I didn’t want to keep this from you. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

Matt stared at me, his mind racing as he tried to piece it all together. “How long have you known?” he asked, his voice strained.

I wiped at my tears, though they kept coming. “Since the day you took me skating” I admitted. “One of my friends, a co-worker told me.. she was there when it happened..the night of the fight, she didn’t know if she should tell me. But I had to know the truth, even if it hurt.”

Matt ran a hand through his hair, looking down at the floor as if trying to process what I had just told him. “I can’t believe this” he muttered, more to himself than to me. “I mean we’re no better but atleast now it makes sense.”

“I’m sorry, Matt” I said again, my voice trembling. “Once I knew what happened I knew things were done with me and Alex.. but then even the condom box in my top drawer.. I was there when Alex bought them.. we hadn’t used them because, well, our sex life had died over a year ago.”

Matt’s eyes snapped back to mine, confusion and dread clouding his gaze. “Wait.. but the box was open?” he asked, his voice laced with uncertainty.

We locked eyes, both of us knowing where this conversation was leading but unwilling to face it head on. The implications of what we were realizing were almost too much to bear.

“Yeah..” I whispered, nodding slowly. “And a couple were missing, I checked when you left.”

Matt’s jaw clenched, the muscles in his face tightening as the full weight of the situation settled in. I felt a fresh wave of tears threatening to spill over. “I’m sorry, I should’ve told you sooner, the whole guilt side of this thing between us would’ve been eliminated if I had just told you.” I repeated, feeling utterly helpless.

Matt’s expression softened slightly as he reached up to wipe away the tears on my cheeks. His touch was gentle, despite the storm of emotions raging inside him. “I wish you had told me sooner” he said, his voice heavy with emotion. “But I get why you didn’t. It’s a lot to process.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you” I said, my voice breaking. “But I didn’t want to keep lying to you either.”

Matt’s expression softened, and he reached out to gently cup my face in his hands. "I appreciate you telling me" he said, his voice filled with sincerity. "It couldn’t have been easy, but I’m glad you did. We can’t change what’s happened, but we can decide what happens next."

I nodded, swallowing hard. 

Matt was silent for a moment, his eyes distant as he thought. Then he looked back at me, his gaze intense, processing everything I’d just told him. "So does Alex know that you know he cheated?" he asked carefully, as if trying to tread lightly on a subject that was already fraught with tension.

I shook my head. "No, I’m waiting until he’s back to confront him. I also got an email from the Bruins Board of Management.. A six-week suspension and his captaincy stripped for good. But he doesn’t know either of these things yet."

Matt looked genuinely surprised. "Six weeks? And they took away his captaincy? On top of losing you in all of this? Damn.. That’s going to hit him hard."

"Yeah.." I agreed. "But honestly, after everything, I’m not feeling too sympathetic."

Matt nodded, understanding. "Emily’s definitely clueless about the whole situation too. She’s been so up my ass lately, constantly checking where I am. It makes sense now - she was projecting, worried I’d find out because she was doing it herself."

I hesitated for a moment, then decided to tell him what Jess had mentioned. "Jess overheard a conversation in the girls’ bathroom that night too.. She said something along the lines of Emily was bragging to her friends, saying she only likes you for the attention and for your money, but she also likes Alex and she somehow thinks she can have you both at the same time, she just needs me out of the way first."

Matt’s face darkened, a mixture of anger and disgust flashing in his eyes. "So that’s why she’s been so weird about you being around. It wasn’t just jealousy - it was guilt." He ran a hand through his hair, clearly frustrated. "You know she demanded that I didn’t hang out with you alone anymore. That’s why I went MIA for a month after the fight.. I’m so sorry Y/n for being so stupid.”

I felt a burn in my chest, knowing that Emily had tried to control him like that. "No Matt, don't apologise.. I had no idea she was doing that to you."

He shook his head, his expression softening as he looked at me. "I should’ve seen it sooner, but I was too caught up in trying to keep things smooth with her. I didn’t want to believe she was capable of this."

"And I should’ve confronted Alex sooner" I added, feeling the weight of my own choices. "But I was scared. I didn’t want to face the reality of what was happening."

Matt reached out, taking my hand in his. "We’re both dealing with a lot of shit, but at least we’re in this together now. We don’t have to go through it alone, and if anything this makes things a lot easier for us to move forward together"

I squeezed his hand, grateful for his support. "Yeah, together."

a/n : atleast we all know now the real reason matt wasn’t at tarayummys party 🤪🤪 part 19 reallllll sooon!!!!

taglist : @muwapsturniolo @anitahunt @sturnfannn @jayde510 @chrissfavhoe @babyalliah-777 @v33angel @urmom69lol @willowrites @ribread03 @2muchofaslvt @sturnsaver @sleepysturniolo @jcsturniolo11 @jessie-essie @hoeforchrizz @mynbbys @sturniolopanini @mattsturnxoxo @delicatechrry @t77te @sturnsyaper69 @hotdismylife @maggot3647 @ivysturnss @noplaceissafeanymore @mattssgf @yourfavsturniologirl @maethem0nth @sillyponygrl @mattyblover07 @imjusthereforthesturniolosmut @dominicfikeenthusiast @mattsfavbigtitties @ncm9696 @chrisstvrns @schlutt4matty @chrissolos @ilusa @amelia-sturniolo3 @wonnieeluvvr @pussydestroyer100 @amexiass @mystinkylefttoe26 @lizzysmith110 @sturniololovebot @secret-sturniolo

[logansargeantsbabymom]

Wide Awake

Lewis Hamilton x Fem!Wolff!Reader

Warnings: Cursing, Self-Doubt, age-gap (reader is 22), slight smut (just fingering) , oh and slight orgasm denial.

(SOFIA IS A RANDOM GIRL I MADE UP!)

A/N: This was supposed to just be a one off thing but I kept writing and writing and I'm 99% sure that no one wants to read a 25k worded chapter only for it to BARELY get to the whole point/plot of the fic. so there's going to be another chapter (3 at max)

(Also I promise Too Good To Say Goodbye 7 is coming but I was hyper fixated on trying to finish this which isn't happening ) 🫶🏽😊

Follow my instagram account (THATS STRICTLY FOR THIS BLOG) for updates on when i post and fun stuff like that!

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My dad’s always warned me about getting involved with the drivers. He told me that they’re all too young, naive and that all they’ll be good for is breaking my heart. For the longest time, I believed him. I’ve seen the way some of these young drivers were with girls.

Max cheating on Sofia with Kelly, Lando talking to 3 girls at once and George, well George hasn’t done anything. Point is, I’ve seen how they are and I don’t want to get with one of the young drivers only to have my heart ripped out. AGAIN.

I secretly dated one of the hottest drivers, Charles Leclerc for about 2 months. All was going well we were happy, we had secret dates and maybe I thought he was the one.

That was until one day In Monaco when I showed up to the paddock for Free Practice 1 & 2 I saw him hand-in-hand with Alexandra Saint Mleux. When I saw them together and I realized everything she had that I didn’t. She was at taller than me, skinnier, gorgeous, had flawless skin and had a modeling career. In other words, she was a goddess.

Seeing them together broke my heart and all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and sob, but I couldn’t. My dad warned me about the young drivers but I still went behind his back and did the exact opposite of what he told me not to do. I deserved this.

I had made a beeline for the Mercedes garage just to get out of the public eye but I was so focused on getting as far away from Charles and Alexandra as possible that I hadn’t noticed I was running straight into someone.

I hit this person's body with such force I almost went flying back and I reached my hands out in front of me to try and grab anything for stability and at the same time I felt two hands on either sides of my waist trying to balance me.

I was feeling so many different emotions right now I couldn't even think straight, clearly. I was so angry at Charles for cheating on me even if weren’t technically even dating, sadness because I actually thought Charles was actually capable of loving me, and full fledged embarrassment because I just ran full on into someone thinking about how Charles just ruined my life. And my makeup.

I looked up to face the person I just ran into and tried to profusely apologize for my actions, but when I looked up tho I was met with the most gorgeous brown eyes I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I wanted to stare into his eyes forever but in the half a second it took me to look up I also realized who it was that I ran into.

The 7x WDC Lewis Hamilton.

Even more embarrassment coated my face as I realized that not only did I just bump into someone while trying so hard not to have a mental breakdown but I ran into the Lewis Hamilton, my dad's best and most loved driver. “Oh my gosh Lewis, I’m so sorry! I wasn’t watching where I was going and I really didn’t mean to run into you. Please don’t tell my dad” Honestly, it sounded pathetic. ‘Don’t tell my dad’? what are you, 12?

I stared at him in silence for about all of 2 seconds which felt like an eternity until I saw his lips curled up into a smile and heard a small chuckle come from him. “I won’t tell your dad, cross my heart” Lewis said while making an ‘X’ motion over his chest “Who are you running from? I feel like maybe I'm obligated to know since you ran right into me trying to avoid them?”

My face fell in shock. How did he know I was trying to avoid someone? I mean it wasn't rocket science, if I saw a random girl running to an isolated area with tears streaming down her face, I too am going to assume she's avoiding someone. “I- Uh, Well. See”

“It’s okay, Y/N/N, I’m not going to tell anyone. You also don’t have to tell me if you don't want to but I’m willing to help you avoid them if you do.” Lewis said as he placed a hand on my cheek.

I’ve always found comfort in Lewis’ touch. Actually, I’ve always felt comfort whenever I was in the same room as Lewis. Something about his Aura screamed ‘You’re safe with me’

As much as I wanted to, I knew there was no point in lying because one thing about Lewis is that could read people like a book. Including me. With a long, loud and dramatic dragged out sigh I reluctantly told him the truth.

“I was seeing Charles behind my father’s back for about 2 months, everything was going well and I actually kinda thought he was my person but I just now saw him hand-in-hand and all cuddly with Alexandra.” Tears sprung in my eyes and threatened to fall as I recounted what I saw a few minutes prior to Lewis.

He had a sympathetic look in his face and I could tell he genuinely felt bad for me. The hand Lewis once briefly had on my face had moved down to grab my hand before he whispered, "How about this: Tomorrow we wear almost matching outfits and we come back here also hand-in-hand. We'd be together all day and we'll be cuddly too. You know, just to make Charles jealous and regret cheating on you."

Lewis was always putting people's well-being ahead of his and it made a shy smile creep onto my face. As much as I want to, maybe I shouldn't read too much into this though, he's probably just being nice to me to stay in my father's good graces.

"Lewis," I whispered as I placed my hand on his cheek "You don't have to be nice to me because I'm your boss's daughter"

he looked a bit hurt by my accusations. "Is that why you think I'm doing this?" his hand squeezed mine a little tighter.

"Why else would you, Lewis?" his hands came up to cup my face forcing me to look at him.

"Because Y/N/N, I-" he paused, almost like he was trying to find the right words to use. "I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world. I've seen you sneaking around with Charles and it took so much in me not to go over there and tear you away from him, to show him that you're mine. I know I'm older than you but I'm wiser and I'll treat you better than he can." My jaw dropped, there's no way that Lewis Hamilton, a 7x WDC is head over heels in love with me, right?

"Lew, I-" a voice interrupted me, turning my body into stone and my blood into ice.

"Y/N!" I knew that voice anywhere and if he saw the moment that me and Lewis just shared, we were both dead.

"Dad! Hi!" I tried to sound enthusiastic but I was so flushed from Lewis' confession.

"My baby," His hands cupped my face inspecting the red all over "Are you okay?"

"Oh yeah, I'm fine, I'm just hot. You know how the sun is in Monaco." I said with a shrug, trying to change the subject

"Oh you have to go in the AC! Lewis," my dad turned to face Lewis who was already facing in our direction

"Yes, Toto?" he said as he cocked his brow.

"I need you to take my darling girl inside. She has a condition where she can't sweat which causes her to overheat and pass out. I am too busy with this race and getting everything perfect to be worrying about my daughter having a heat stroke."

"Oh, jeez, thanks dad. Just send Lewis to do everything for you" I said in a playful tone

"Of course Toto, I'll take her in right now." Lewis said as he walked over to me and linked his arms with mine.

Lewis started guiding me through the garage and to his driver's room where he opened the door and gestured me in. Once inside he closed the door before facing me with unsure eyes.

"What's wrong Lew?" I said as I cautiously walked over to him.

"What were you going to say before Toto cut you off?" his voice so low, I almost didn't hear what he said.

"I was going to say," I stopped right in front of him, our chests were touching. We were so close I could feel his breath against my skin. "I think that you have to prove what you said about treating me better than how Charles did."

Lewis grabbed my face and pulled me into a searing kiss, our tongues fought for dominance but his won. Lewis picked me up and sat on his couch with me on his lap so I was straddling him all without breaking the kiss.

His hands found their rightful place on my hips and applied pressure forcing my hips down as I rocked my hips to apply more force against his hardening cock.

"Mmm, you taste so good. I can only imagine how much better you taste when I'm eating your pussy." Lewis mumbled against my lips as his hands went just a little bit lower to stop at the elastic of my leggings. I guided Lewis' hands under the fabric to release some of the tension building in my core.

He understood what I needed and quickly started to run his middle finger up and down my fold, collecting all my juices before inserting it in my pussy. Lewis slowly moved his finger in and out of my hole while using his thumb to rub circles on my clit. His movements were slow and sensual bringing me closer and closer to my orgasm. I started rocking my hips into his palm to add more friction to my core and to chase my orgasm which I really needed right now. I was just about to go over the edge until a knock at the door quickly halted both of our movements and caused Lewis to yank his hand out of me leaving me without finishing.

"Mate, FP2 starts in 15. They need us by our cars now" The voice of George could be heard from he other side of the door.

“Oh fuck me” I grunted as I pulled myself off of Lewis’ lap

“Trust me, I was planning on it” He said with a smirk on his face as his hand came to rest on my ass before giving it a smack.

Lewis poked his head out of the door to make sure no one would see us leave, after the all clear we quickly rushed out of his room, both of us going in opposite directions as to not get caught.

————

The next day I heard a knock at my hotel door at the early hours of 6:00am. With a grunt I pulled myself out of the comfort of my warm and cozy bed and made my way to the door. Whoever was interrupting my beauty sleep was going to get a mouthful, I’ll tell you that.

“Do you know what time it is?!” I whisper yelled as I opened the door, not even bothering to look through the peephole to see who I would be yelling at. And boy do I really wish I did look because I was met with the tall, beautiful, muscular frame of Lewis Hamilton.

“Woah honey, I told you we were going to the paddock together. We need matching outfits” Lewis said while looking at me up and down "Do you by any chance have a matching Tommy Hilfiger set?"

"No?" I said, a little nervous

"Perfect, I bought you one that matches mine so put this on" Lewis said as he handed me a bag of 4 different sets.

"Lewis, there's four sets in here. Which am I wearing?" I said I let him in my room and watched as he took a seat on my bed right were I was once peacefully sleeping.

"Wear whichever one you want and I'll match it. I didn't know which of those four you'd like so I bought them all." My heart fluttered a bit at his confession.

--------

When Lewis and I pulled up to the race and got out of the car, we walked to the entrance hand-in-hand.

Charles and Alexandra were the first people to spot us and I took notice on how Charles dropped Alexandra's hand. When I saw that I squeezed Lewis' hand and leaned into him to tell him

"Lew, it's working. He dropped Alexandra's hand" I said with a smirk on my face.

"Wanna give them a show?" I cocked my brow at what he was suggesting but reluctantly nodded my head.

Without thinking twice, Lewis pulled me into a kiss, his hand finding their place to rest on my ass while mine traveled to the back of his neck to pull him deeper into the kiss.

I heard a strings of words which I'm assuming were curse words before I heard faint shuffles of feet echoing away from where me and Lewis were stood. Faint footsteps weren't the only thing we heard because next thing you know we heard clicks of camera shutters.

I pulled away from him with a horrified look on my face.

"Lewis! My dad might see those!" I don't think I was ever more scared in my life than I was in that moment. My dad can't know that I'm sneaking behind his back with Lewis. Well technically this is the second day of this 'sneaking around' but still, he doesn't know."

"Do you want to be with me Y/N/N?" He said dead serious while interlocking our hands

"Yes"

"So you shouldn't care about the pictures and your dad's opinion. Not everyone is going to accept our relationship but that doesn't matter because this relationship is between us. Not them"

"I need FP3 and Qualifying to end ASAP because I so badly want to suck your cock."

“I’m holding you to that” Lewis said as he swatted my ass. Surely the press people got photos of that and when those get out. I’m gonna have a fun conversation with my dad

It took us about 15 minutes to get the Mercedes Hospitality area because of all the fans asking for pictures, Press asking questions and other drivers asking what Lewis thinks he’s doing going out with me.

I almost took offense to that but quickly realized that they didn’t mean it in a rude way but more as a ‘you better be careful because if you break her heart, Toto will never resign you to Mercedes’ type of way.

When we entered, we were met with the angry eyes of my father.

“Lewis.” He said stern, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose “what are you doing with my daughter?!”

“Sir,” Lewis started but my dad cut him off

“Y/N/N, I told you not to go off with the drivers!” His voice raised, not too loud to be classified as yelling but a couple octaves louder than how it was before

“Actually, you said no messing around with the younger drivers. Lewis is older and more wise” I said as I grasped Lewis’ hand tighter.

“What are your intentions with my daughter?”

“Well sir, I intend to give your daughter the best life I can give her, I want to take her everywhere with me, I want to spoil her, I want to have her move in with me, I want to be her husband and I want her to be the mother of my kids.” Lewis squeezed my hand as he said that last sentence.

I never thought about being a mother, I never felt like it was an obligation of mine. I never thought that I wanted kids but hearing Lewis admit to my dad that he wanted me to be the mother of his kids sparked something in me. Lewis made me realize that deep down, I longed to be a mom and now I wasn’t going to be happy if I wasn’t.

“I will kill you if you break her heart.” My dad stated as he stared in Lewis’ eyes as if to try and intimidate him.

—————

It's not the best but I promise the plot is to die for!

taglist:

@luckyladycreator2 @itsmiamalfoy @jeffs77 @ilivbullyingjeongin @forevercaffeinated-lee @daemyratwst @gulphulp @callsignwidow @f1wintermoon13 @teenwolf01 @victoriassecret101 @hiireadstuff @formulaal @kazza72584 @zabwlky1999 @dark-night-sky-99 @rougekiki @xoscar03 @jess-wither @bountychanti@dhanihamidi @Ggasly.p @tellybearryyyy

[thepersonnamedsam]

learning how to drive - sv5

pairing: sebastian vettel x genz!driver (platonic), 22 grid x genz!driver (platonic)

summary: you may have your super license to drive your f1 car, but driving outside the paddock? not really your thing

word count: 1k

warnings: nothing really

note: the genz!driver is maybe 17/18 and does not have a drivers license. i have no idea about driving a car, so just ignore that part

masterlist / taglist

The second the grid had found out that you had not yet made your driver’s license, they were joking about it. You’re driving at 300 km/h every second Sunday, but you are not driving at a normal speed on the roads? What was wrong with you? Actually, you had a fair reason not to drive on the streets, you were scared. You feared hitting another car, or someone hitting you. You were scared of ignoring road signs or missing a stop sign. 

“Our youngster is scared to drive, are you not racing this weekend?” Lando had made fun of you the most, finding it funny that the younger driver was not driving a normal car. Daniel had a laugh or two with it as well, but always hoping you’d know he was only joking. Even Max cracked a joke, never really participating in bullying the driver, as he respected you very much and saw himself in you at some times. But when Danny starts to joke, Max was fast behind him laughing silently along.

George, Alex, and Charles were trying to be encouraging but they were still making jokes about it. “Should I get you tomorrow? We can share a ride, as you can’t drive”, George laughed, and you just stared at him annoyed. You still agreed, every single time he asked you. 

You were grateful for your friends, but they were still annoying like nothing in your life was. So, when Seb noticed your fear, he felt bad for you. He wanted to help you; that’s why he offered to teach you how to properly drive. Not in an F1 car, but in a worn-down Subaru Outback H6-3.0. The car belonging to his father and was the perfect car to learn to drive in. It was a manual car, it’s important to know how to drive stick. The car was old, so if you kissed a wall, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal.

“Seb I’m scared, what if I hit someone?”, your concern laced your voice. Seb sighed, already explained to you that you were first going to practice on an empty parking lot and not actually going on the road. You had done your theoretical driving test and passed, with flying colors, but starting your practical driving lessons? You just couldn’t do that. 

You sat in the car, both hands on the steering wheel, arms so outstretched Seb’s arms were hurting. “Just relax, y/n, everything is going to be fine. You are fine and you got this, it’s not your first time driving, remember? It’s your job to drive”, Seb tried to calm you down. His left hand touching your right arm and guiding it to a comfortable level. 

“Okay, now first press the coupling and shift the stick to neutral. That’s it, good job”, he told you, telling you what to do. “Now you step slowly on the gas, slowly, yeah?” You were doing it; you were driving the car! And the more time you spent in the car with Seb, the easier the driving got. You were just so happy. 

The next time someone mad a comment about your normal driving, you bit back. When Carlos approached you, already smirking you knew what was going to happen. “Hey y/n, do you think you could drive me to the paddock tomorrow?” His eyebrows wiggling like crazy. You had to hold back your smile. “Uh, yeah sure, I mean I can try, right?”, you answered him. Carlos looked at you with surprise in his eyes. He nodded; nut sure what to expect the next morning. 

When you texted him, that you were outside, he didn’t think you would be waiting for him in a Ford Mustang 1966, your first self-owned car by the way. He looked pretty stunned as he opened the door to the passenger seat. He whistled at your car and made a comment such as ‘Nice one’. So, you started the car and drove him and you to the paddock. The hotel wasn’t far away, but there still enough time to show him your new learned driving skills. You still weren’t technically allowed to drive on your own, not having attended the driver’s test yet. But no one had to know that you drove five minutes without supervision. Carlos was now there to supervise you. 

You passed him your phone; it was connected to a Bluetooth speaker. “Choose what to listen to, but don’t play Smooth Operator, or I’ll be singing to you the whole time”, you laughed at him. He was just aimlessly picking a playlist and pressing play. Kilby Girl by The backseat Lovers started to play. Nodding your head to the beat of the song, Carlos was actually a bit scared of you losing focus. But you didn’t, you arrived safely at the paddock where Seb was waiting. He had a huge grin on his face, proud of you to actually drive with someone else other than him. He hugged you, whispering how proud he was of you in your ear. You smiled; Seb was definitely your comfort person. 

Later that day, when an interviewer asked about your driving skills off the track, it had become a meme, thanks to some of the drivers, you answered honestly: “Sebastian has helped me learn to overcome my fear of driving outside the paddock. He sat with me in a car, for hours and explained everything to me. It’s hard to believe I got my super license before my actual driver’s license, but it’s fine. It’s something more to add to my resume.” 

Seb was standing behind the camera, smiling and feeling proud. He held up his two thumps and outstretched them to you. You smiled as well and bid your goodbyes to the nice interviewer. You were glad to have Seb as your mentor and you made sure to tell him that enough. 

[graciesluva]

jealousy, caitlin clark

caitlin clark x vb! reader

in which caitlin has a jealousy problem and let’s it get the best of her.

disclaimer: i don’t play volleyball :) i actually barely know anything about it except from what i’ve collected by watching my sister play so sorry if it’s inaccurate!

Caitlin made it a point to try and make it to all of your games. She rarely missed one unless basketball took her away, which you understood. You tried to make it to all of her games as well and you did most of the time, sitting with her parents if they were in attendance or just with your friends who also showed up.

Once the end of October hit, it was harder, but most of the time it worked out. August through September, you could almost always count on her being in the crowd, normally having Monika and Kate (or any of the girls) in tow.

On this particular night, the team was playing extremely well. You, a libero, had been taken out during the second set after landing on your arm in a painful way when trying to pancake on the floor. You were mad at yourself for it, never really getting hurt when diving or anything, but it was something that was out of your control now.

You were put back in during the third set, after winning the first and second sets. There was a dull pain in your arm as you dove to the ground to save a ball again.

Soon enough, the Hawkeyes took a third win, the game over. You clapped hands with the other team, heading back to the locker room with your team.

Once you’d gotten all of your things pack up, putting a pair of sweatpants, leaving you in your uniform top. You stepped out of the locker room, going to look for Caitlin who had told you she’d be here.

“Hey, 22!” you hear someone call. You share a number with Caitlin, something you both like. Quickly, you turn your head to see a girl from the other team stepping toward you, “You good from that fall earlier?” she asked.

You laugh softly, nodding your head, “All good here. I’m sure I’ll have some bruises.”

The girl nods, looking you up and down a little, pressing her lips together with a smile. Unbeknownst to you, Caitlin, Monika, and Gabbie were walking up after spotting you. Caitlin’s jaw was clenched, watching this girl check you out.

“Caitlin, you should calm down a little,” Monika told her, the three of them stopping far enough away to where you still don’t notice them.

Caitlin furrows her brows, “I’m calm,” she answered.

“You’re staring like you wanna kill someone and I know it won’t be y/n,” Gabbie chimed in.

Sure, Caitlin was a little protective of you. She had a little bit of a jealousy problem, but you couldn’t do anything about that. It’s like she knew when another girl or guy was flirting with you and it set her off real quick. When the girl talking to you gently hit your shoulder when laughing at something that was definitely not that funny, Caitlin almost lost it.

You felt fingers brush your back from behind you, latching onto your waist as they pulled you into their side. Knowing it was Caitlin, you put your hand on the side of her stomach, a smile gracing your features.

“Hi, nice to meet you,” Caitlin said to the girl in front of the two of you who now looks defeated. Caitlin looks a bit smug.

She smiled at Caitlin, “You too,” she said before looking back at you, “Good job tonight.”

“Thanks, you too,” you respond. The girl turns and walks away and Caitlin kisses your head gently.

You looked up at Caitlin, “Was that necessary, baby?” you asked with a smile.

She shrugged with a nod, “She was flirting.”

“She was being nice,” You respond.

Caitlin shakes her head as she presses a kiss to your lips, Monika and Gabbie walking toward the two of you.

Gabbie has a look of relief on her face, “We thought she was going to kill her,” the Marshall girl told you.

You stared up at your girlfriend with wide eyes as she shakes her head again, “They’re lying. I wasn’t going to kill anyone. Just had to make sure she knew you were taken.”

“Goodness, Clark, don’t lose your shit.”

[sadjestergirll]

LATE WELCOME HOME UPDATE RANT POST !

(⚠️ spoilers for the newest welcome home update that came out march 9th ⚠️)

OKAY SO I ACTUALLY HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THIS UPDATE, IT WAS BY FAR MY FAVOURITE UPDATE SO FAR THAT WE HAVE GOTTEN. before I start however if you guys don’t know how to Access the secret website here is the link if you need it!

FIRST OFF, THESE IMAGESSSSS, THEY’RE ACTUALLY SO CUTE I LOVE JULIE’S CHRISTMAS TREE HAIR SO MUCH 😭 AND THE THIRD PHOTO IS SO CUTE?? LOOK AT THEM ALL TOGETHER, THEY’RE ALL LIKE A LITTLE FAMILY IT’S ADORABLE ☹️

AND THE ARTSTYLE IS SO PRETTY, LITERALLY I LOVE CLOWNS STYLE SO MUCH.

I CAN ONLY SHARE ONE CLIP BC TUMBLR WONT LET ME ADD MORE 😢 BUT OUT OF ALL THE CLIPS WE GOT THIS WAS BY FAR MY FAVOURITE, I WAS HONESTLY SO SHOCKED TO SEE THAT WE GOT FULLY ANIMATED SCENES OF THE CHARACTERS, AND THIS ONE WAS MY FAVOURITE OUT OF ALL OF THEM.

BARNABY AND HOWDY BOTH LOOK SO CUTE IN THS STYLE AND I LOVED BARNABYS EXPRESSIONS, I LITERALLY LOVED BARNABY IN THIS ENTIRE UPDATE TBH, HE LITERALLY CARRIED THE WHOLE UPDATE ONCE AGAIN, HE WAS GREAT AND I LOVE HIS VOICE SO MUCH.

I’M GENUINELY SO HAPPY THAT WE GOT TO SEE MORE OF HIM THIS UPDATE.

AND THIS ANIMATION, THIS ONE WAS ONE OF MY FAVOURITES TOO, THE SCENERY WAS SO PRETTY AND IT REALLY MATCHED THE ADVERT AS IT HAD A VERY COSY FEEL TO IT, I LOVED IT SO MUCH.

WALLY LOOKS SO CUTE IN THIS STYLE, I LOVED THE WAY HE SMILED IN THIS ANIMATION TOO, HE LOOKED SO SILLY, I DIDNT ACTUALLY LIKE WALLY BEFORE BUT NOW HE IS STARTING TO GROW ON ME A LITTLE AFTER THIS, I DIDNT TRUST HIM IN THE FIRST FEW UPDATES AS I THOUGHT IT WAS IMPLIED THAT HE WAS GONNA BE THE BAD CHARACTER BUT AS OF NOW HE SEEMS PRETTY SILLY TOO 😭

but anyways, literally loved this animation too, it was so smooth and pretty, whoever animated these scenes did an amazing job because I loved each one so much

OKAY, I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THIS PART TOO.

MY JAW LITERALLY DROPPED WHEN I SAW MS. BEAGLE TOO, I REALLY WAS NOT EXPECTING TO SEE HER ANYTIME SOON SO I WAS VERY SURPRISED WHEN I SAW HER APPEAR, I WAS LITERALLY SAYING A BIT BEFORE THIS UPDATE THAT I WOULD LOVE TO SEE BARNABY AND MS. BEAGLE TOGETHER, AND IN THIS UPDATE I WAS SURPRISED TO SEE I ACTUALLY GOT WHAT I WANTED.

they’re my favourite mother and son guys. ☹️

THEY WERE LITERALLY SO CUTE, WHEN MS. BEAGLE GAVE BARNABY A PECK ON THE CHEEK AND YOU CAN ALSO TELL HOW MUCH BARNABY CARES FOR HER, IT’S SO SWEET AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH 😭 I also really loved the fact we got to see more artwork of ms. beagle, she is literally so pretty and her voice is so pretty too, I LOVE HERRR

AND 11 NEW CHARACTERS?? I WAS COMPLETELY SHOCKED BY THIS TOO, I DIDNT EXPECT TO SEE SO MANY NEW FACES IN THIS UPDATE ALSO.

it was really nice to hear more about howdy’s family, AND THERE IS SO MANY OF THEM, HIS FAMILY IS ACTUALLY MASSIVE, I loved all their voices and character designs so much, they were all great, I WAS SURPRISED WE GOT TO HEAR ALL THEIR VOICES TOO, I was completely blown away from this update

THE LORE WE GOT ON EDDIE TOO WAS ACTUALLY CRAZY.

I felt so bad for the guy he was so stressed and exhausted from everything, it was also really sad to see how he was getting frustrated / upset when nobody was coming to visit him 😕 FRANK KEEP YOUR BOYFRIEND COMPANY PLEASE…

It was also really nice to see how worried Frank was for Eddie when Eddie was zoning out, THEY WERE SO WORRIED FOR HIM, I ACTUALLY STARTED CRYING NEAR THE END OF THE 22 MINUTE VIDEO, THE ANGST FOR EDDIE WAS SO SAD, ESPECIALLY THE PART WHERE FRANK STARTED TO WORRY.

anyways, that’s all I have to say for this update, I literally loved it so much and this is definitely my favourite update so far, the voice actors, animators and clown did such a good job with this update and it was definitely worth the extra wait 🩷

[yorshie]

Could you do a bayverse one where the turtles (seperate) react to their s/o getting so upset that they can only repeat a couple words? Like if they were suddenly having anxiety and can't say anything but "oh jeez.. oh... oh. Jeez. Oh jeez...." really quiet or something like that. How would they comfort their s/o? Is their s/o sad? Mad? I think it would be a nice comfort headcanon. Also, no pressure to write this. I just thought it might be cute.

Alright Anon, I took a little liberty because I’m pretty sure I wrote one exactly like this (and I don't wanna bore you rehashing the same idea), but we’re gonna go with Reader hit the panic button walking home from work because they felt like they were about to get jumped, said Turtle Man shows up, kicks ass, takes names, then realizes A - this is probably the first time Reader’s seeing said Turtle Man in action, and B - Reader is in the full five stages of a panic attack, just huddled up against a wall, can’t string two words together.

(as always set in 2023 for turtles are 22 ish)

Cue Headcanons below:

LEO

First things first he’s gonna put the weapons away. He knows how intimidating they are, he’s used that fact to his advantage in the past. The last thing he wants to do is make whatever’s going with you worse because you saw the shine of a light glint off one of his blades.

Next thing next, he’s gonna take you someplace else. Someplace that doesn’t reek of blood, piss, whatever the hell an alley smells like. It doesn’t matter what state you’re in, or if you can verbally give him permission, he’s going to swoop you up and get you the hell out of there. If being manhandled makes you more angry, or brings on the waterworks, it’s something he’ll deal with later. Leo’s used to making quick decisions that involve the welfare of others, this is no different in his eyes.

Leo’s a taskmaster, he does better with a bullet point list to follow. And the next thing on his agenda, now that he’s insured your immediate safety, is going to be a body check for wounds. If you’re in a state of mind to help him, he’ll let you tell him you’re fine. If you aren’t, he’s going to check for himself. Clinical, straight to the point, strictly professional. Doesn’t matter what stage your relationship is on, he’s looking for blood, scrapes, pain, and nothing else. If he finds something, he’ll bundle you up again and take you to Donnie. If he doesn’t, the gears in his brain switch over.

Now that he’s seen to you physically, he’ll start on your mental state. If you don’t like touch in the middle of a breakdown, he’ll back off, give you space, start working on using his voice to get you back to the place where you can string together more than one syllable. If you can stomach touch, he’s going to want to hug you. His heart is going a mile a minute, so it’s just not for your benefit, but he won’t tell you that just yet.

Once he’s got you talking, returning his affection, Leo’s going to take you to either your place or the Lair. He’ll push for the Lair, since it’s more defensible, but if you need the comfort of your space he’ll bend. He’ll spend the rest of the night making sure you’re ok, double checking the locks on your windows and doors, making sure you eat, bathe, etc. He’ll make you tea, whether or not you actually drink it. He’ll stomach whatever movie you want to watch, just as long as you let him sit beside you.

If your relationship is on the newer side, and it gets to the point when he’d usually leave, he’ll linger. All it will take is a word from you and he’ll stay, whether you’ll let him hold you in your bed or camp on the floor. He will absolutely not listen to any entreaties to further your relationship at this time; he doesn’t want you to do anything you might regret later.

If your relationship is far enough, it won’t be a question of him staying. He’s gonna stay, he’s gonna wedge himself into bed with you no matter the size of the mattress, and you’re probably going to wake up either sprawled across him or somehow contorted into an awkward position with his arms around you. If you want something more from him he probably won’t take the request seriously. For his own peace of mind, he’ll keep his wants on a short leash and you’ll have to settle for cuddling, kisses, and if you ask, he’ll churr until you fall asleep.

If he convinces you to go to the Lair, he’ll take care of you there as well, but you’ll have to deal with the other brothers as well. Leo’ll take you by Donnie’s lab to insure his health checks were accurate, then depending on who else is around he’ll either openly walk you to his room, or carry you there to avoid Mikey and Raph making fun of the two of you. Same rules on touch apply, if your relationship is newer he’ll give you his bed and he’ll disappear or sleep on the floor. If you’ve been together for the long haul though, the damn roof could cave in and he still wouldn’t stop cuddling you, though churring is out if there’s a chance his brothers could hear.

RAPH

Once he’s taken out the bad guys, Raph’s attention will turn to you. He’s not the type to put his weapons away right off the bat, but if he sees you eye them or flinch away when he gets closer, he’ll take the chance of a surprise attack and put them away. 

He’s not going to touch you right away. He knows what emotion in overdrive will do to people, and the last thing he wants is for you to take a swing at him out of leftover anger or fear only to feel guilt over it later. So he’ll rumble at you, talk soothingly, try and get you to a point where you’ll start seeking reassurance from him. If you’re quick to reach for him, that’s his queue to get you the fuck out of there, but if you’d rather cling to the dirty wall instead of him he knows whatever’s going on with you is bad.

Once he’s got you out of there, he’ll want to look you over. If you’re crying, he’ll take the chance to wipe your face, get rid of the tears, because if he has to keep looking at them he might go back and find someone to pick a fight with. Once he’s sure you’re done crying, he’s gonna look you over, and for the most part he’ll be relying on you to tell him if it’s bad or if he needs to stop. He’ll keep it professional to be sure, but if this is a newer relationship he’s gonna blush. Can’t help it, even if its something as innocent as your stomach, somewhere in the back of his turtle brain he’s having a conniption.

If he finds something worrying, he’ll call Leo. Big brother, for all the times they’ve fought, will know what to do. At this point he’ll take you to the lair, and you’ll be subject not only to Donnie treating whatever Raph’s found, but also a hovering Leo who’ll want to know what the hell happened, and why Raph went alone. 

If he finds nothing, the ball is now in your court. His first gut instinct is to take you home, comfort in the familiar and all that. If you want to go to the Lair, you’ll have to verbally confirm this in a clear manner, because if you stay silent or blabber you’ll end up back at your place.

If you go home, he’ll hang around far longer than he should. Unfortunately, if this is a newer relationship, he’ll try to dip out unless you take the time to convince him he should stay. Raph will need constant reassurance that he is something you actually want, and so the thought of you wanting his big, ugly mug around when you could be reliving other big, ugly mugs is not something that crosses his mind. If you are persistent though, he will stay, but you will likely find him in the floor in the morning even if you manage to convince him to share the bed.

If your relationship has been going on for a while, he’ll treat you to the nine yards. Bubble bath, take out, he’ll let you use him as a pillow to watch a movie, etc. When it comes time to sleep, he’ll wedge himself into the bed with you, but you’ll have to settle for him sleeping with his shell to the door, even if that’s your usual spot. It’s not up for debate, and if you try to wiggle him into a different position the only thing it’ll get you is a side eye and minor frustration. If you want something more from him, you’ll have to be direct, because Raph will absolutely not take the lead on a night like this, no matter how many hours it’s been since he rescued you.

If you convinced him to go to the Lair, its safe to say he’ll drag you by Donnie just to make sure you’re really ok. Then, if he can manage it, he’ll dodge Leo. No one’s to say if he’s actually successful, but neither of you are ready to hear a lecture at this particular moment. Thank god he and Mikey finally got separate rooms and the younger quit sneaking into his room from nightmares, because the last thing you need is to wake up with an arm around you that isn’t Raph’s.

Newer or long term relationship, Raph will offer his bed, but it’s big enough that he’ll take the side nearest the door. Newer relationship: he’ll sleep with his shell to you and construct a line of pillows between the two of you. Long haul: you’ll be wrapped up in his arms, between the safety of the wall and his shell. He’ll talk you to sleep, maybe even churr if he knows no one else will hear. 

DONNIE

Donnie takes bad guys out with lethal precision, using a combination of his tech and his bo. He’s not too picky on form or technique, just whatever eliminates the threat in the most timely manner. When he is finally able to turn his attention to you, he’ll hide behind his brain, fool himself into believing he can be analytical and logical when taking care of you.

He’ll take you by the shoulders, use his tech to scan you, fire off questions about your health, status, mental state, until you either start answering or you have a breakdown. If your response is bad, his tech will pick up on it long before he ever will, but the warning across his goggles will be enough to pull him back, clue him in into trying a different angle. His next approach will be to get you somewhere safe. He’ll ask you if you can stand his touch, but if he sees you deteriorating, he’ll simply act, take you to the Lair and his lab where he can feel in control of the situation.

Logic will tell Donnie that if you’ve made the entire trip to the Lair, you’re likely not suffering any huge injury. And that knowledge will allow him to switch gears, to take your face between his large hands and ask, instead of demand, if you are alright. He’ll do anything you ask, if you can just tell him you’re ok. 

If you are injured, he’ll see to it right away. He’ll get you some of his clothes to change into if yours are bloody, or stand guard while you take a shower, shell facing you to afford a little privacy. He’ll prattle on the entire time, but expect a cheeky comment or two throughout the process. Donnie can only hold them in so long, and as soon as he’s sure you’re not going to drop dead or have a heart attack from anxiety, his sharp wit is likely to return. He’ll comment on the audacity of your attackers, which body wash you decide to snatch from the communal bottles, anything to keep you talking and to avoid the silence that will likely turn right back into a panic attack.

Since you’re already at the Lair, he’ll ask if you just want to stay. If you want to go home, he’ll take you, but he’s not going to leave you alone, even if your plan was to just curl up alone and process. No such luck. He’ll kill time walking circles in your apartment checking your security until you get the hint and order him still. If your relationship is newer, he’ll ask if you want him to stay, and likely be self conscious of his actions once he realizes what he’s doing. If your relationship has been going on for a while, he’ll be amused at you ordering him around, but pliant with what you want. In all reality you probably won’t sleep in the bed, but on the couch, with some old movie on in the background because Donnie is allergic to laying horizontally in a bed (feels too much like rest) and he can’t relax without some noise. 

If you agree to stay at the Lair, he’ll clean off his bed and tuck you in, no matter the time. If you want cuddles, this is the point where you have to verbalize it or play pathetic, because after about 5 minutes of inactivity he will wander away to tinker, to work, always staying within line of sight, but Donnie doesn’t have an off switch. Especially if your relationship is newer, he won’t know what is acceptable and his mind will run away with him on what you would or would not allow, and in the end he will end up at his computer for 5 hours because difficult coding is more straightforward than feelings.

If you have been together for a while, Donnie will have a better handle on what you can handle and what your limits are. If you want him to hold you, he happily will, though if you plan to fall asleep he will probably turn on some music or a movie for the background noise. If you want something more than him, you’ll have to have a reason why, because as much as he’d like helping you forget things, he knows that’s not healthy. Either way though, he doesn’t mind rumbling or churring for you, the sound is soothing and no one is going to hear over the hum of the computers and music.

MIKEY

Small protector bean is deadly when in combat, faster than Leo when he puts his mind to it, more precise than Raph, and after years of practice he’s managed to turn his occasional fumbles to his advantage when he focuses. And if you’re in danger, he’s lazer focused. 

The moment you both are in the clear, he’s gonna be up in your space, asking if you’re ok, hands checking you for injuries. If you need a moment, or some space, you’re gonna have to be aware enough to ask for it, because this turtle is riding high on the adrenaline of worrying about you and the high of saving you. It’s gonna take him a moment to calm down, but once he does, he’s either got an answer from you or realized you’re too far in your head to hear him. If that’s the case, he’ll just hold you to his chest, keep up the litany of reassurance until you stop shaking and you’re holding him back

Mikey will want to take you by the Lair no matter what, to run an all clear by Donnie to make sure you’re really ok, and to tell Leo that he’s taking a week off patrols to walk you home from work. Yes, you probably are there for that discussion, and no, you will not be able to change Mikey’s mind about it. He loves his brothers, but they can handle a week without him, you’re important too.

If you’re hurt, he’s gonna be in Donnie’s way most likely, because there is no way he’ll leave you alone until you’re bandaged up and Donnie’s assured him you’ll be fine. He might have to resort to shocking Mikey if he needs him out of the room for some reason, but thankfully between the two of you, you can conjure up some errands for him to run long enough for Donnie to work.

If you want to head back to your home, he’ll try and stall you, invite you to play games or watch a movie with him. It will take a little bit to either convince him that’s where you want to be, or more likely, that you want him to come with you. Oh, he just assumed you meant for him to stay here. Oops.

If your relationship is newer, he’ll drop you off at home and you’ll have to invite him in if you want him to stay. He’ll eat your food, drink your soda, sure, but he’ll also readily cuddle with you without prompting. Mikey doesn’t really like to overthink things, and even if your relationship is newer he’ll assume you’re good with his touch, because surely you are if you’re willing to call him your boyfriend. If you’ve been together for a while, he’s already claimed a spot on your couch, on your bed. He’s an infestation, but he’s your infestation. Get ready to be cuddled for the entire night, and get ready for snoring, mumbling, churring, etc. This turtle has no filter, and no sense of personal space. Hope your bed is big enough to escape if he rolls over.

If you stay in the Lair, he’ll order in pizza, share his soda with you, let you borrow some of his clothes to sleep in, etc. If your relationship is newer he will self consciously keep his door open, as if to broadcast his pure intentions towards you, but if anyone peeked into the room during the night they’d probably see you being the little spoon. If you’re relationship is more of the long haul variety, he likely has the door shut, but that’s just so he doesn’t annoy the others with the late night movie and game marathon he’s planning to keep your mind occupied. If you want something more from him, he’s happy to oblige, but if something feels off with your response he’ll redirect you, distract you until you give in and just let him cuddle you instead.

[autumnshighlady]

I've Always Liked to Play With Fire (part 26)

NESTA ARCHERON X ERIS VANSERRA X FEMALE!READER

summary: Eris has yet another surprise for you, and a secret is revealed

warnings: feyre slander, slightly nsfw towards the end

word count: 5.7k

DO NOT REPOST ANYWHERE

a/n: this is a filler chapter, sorry if it's boring! wedding is coming up next chapter i think. also so sorry the taglist got messed up somewhere halfway through teh fic and it wasn't actually tagging people so if you haven't been tagged like 15 chapters i fixed it now im so sorry!

part 1 // part 2 / part 3 / part 4 / part 5 / part 6 / part 7 / part 8 / part 9 / part 10 / part 11 / part 12 / part 13 / part 14 / part 15 / part 16 / part 17 / part 18 / part 19 / part 20 / part 21 / part 22 / part 23 / part 24 / part 25 /

read on ao3

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A throbbing headache greeted you as you peeled your eyes open, the bright rays of sunshine coming in through the window directly onto your face. You groaned, mouth dry as sand. Regret over those last few drinks washed over you as you rolled over, body shaky as you pushed yourself up.

“Morning!” Gwyn’s voice sounded through your blurry vision – her normally soft tone was ear-splitting due to your hangover.

“Ugh, please tone down your mouth noises.” You grumbled, rubbing your temples and yawning.

The redhead rolled her eyes, handing you a tray. “That’s what you get for drinking so much. A servant brought us a tray each for breakfast. Drink water and the tonic, you’ll feel better.”

You sighed, trying to fight off the hangover shakes as you reached for the tray. On the golden platter was a glass of water, a vial of liquid meant to ease how shitty you felt, and a plate with toast, eggs, fruit, and thick slices of bacon. The food smelled heavenly, but your stomach churned in protest. So you quickly downed the tonic before slowly sipping water, your throat no longer feeling like a desert.

Nesta had joined Gwyn on the bed in the far corner in an effort to get Emerie to sit up. The Illyrian female protested, eyes squeezed shut as she cursed the sun for being so bright. Despite your state, you snorted. At least you were better off than Emerie. 

“Come on,” Nesta insisted. “You have to at least have a sip of water.”

Emerie shook her head vehemently, then cursed, dizzied. “No. I’m gonna die if I move another inch.”

Gwyn reached down to Emerie’s tray and grabbed the glass of water, bringing it up to her lips. “Here, that way you won’t have to move.” The hungover female protested, but Gwyn tilted the glass up anyways, forcing the water into her mouth. She sputtered for a second, but eventually swallowed some of the cold liquid.

With Gwyn now settled coaxing water into Emerie, Nesta headed towards your bed, smirking. “Morning, sunshine.” She said coolly. Her hair was loose and messy around her shoulders, eyes slightly red from the lack of sleep. But she still looked incredible, despite having drank more than you.

“Not fair.” You complained, rubbing your dry eyes again and scowling at your mate. “I drank half as much as you and you seem perfectly fine.”

Nesta plopped down beside you, shrugging. “Perk of drinking myself half to death for a few months, I guess.” She joked, then motioned to your bacon. “Are you going to eat that?”

“Go for it.” You shook your head. “I can’t imagine eating anything right now.”

A wider smirk came over Nesta’s face as she popped the bacon into her mouth, blue-grey eyes going up and down your body. “I can.”

You blushed, smacking her with your pillow. “What has gotten into you?” You hissed playfully so that Gwyn and Emerie wouldn’t hear. Your body had responded to her words instantly, heating up even more and making you squirm. 

She shrugged, taking the second piece of bacon off your plate as well. “I’m just glad I can finally show appreciation for my mate without worrying about someone hacking my head off for it.”

“Fair enough.”

The four of you picked away at your breakfasts in silence, much to you and Emerie’s relief. The tonic began to work after twenty minutes, your headache slowly easing up and the fog around your brain clearing. Eventually, Eris and Azriel came through the doors, stifling their laughs at how hungover or sleep deprived you all were. After saying goodbye to your friends, Emerie grumbled something about the likelihood of throwing up all over Azriel as she took his hand, preparing to winnow. Gwyn’s cheeks flushed slightly as she took Azriel’s other hand, the spymaster’s shadows curling around her slender wrist. You raised an eyebrow at her, but she blushed harder and refused to meet your gaze.

After Azriel, Gwyn, and Emerie left, Nesta left for the bathing chambers to freshen up while you flopped back down into the bed, pulling the sheets over your head. “I’m staying here all day,” You declared. “Nobody wake me.”

You heard Eris chuckle, feeling the bed shift as he sat down beside you. He yanked the sheets down, and you whined in protest. “Eris!” You cried out. “Please, I’m so hungover. I just want to rot in this bed all day.”

“Too bad,” Eris said with a delighted grin on his face. “Because I have another surprise for you.”

You groaned, turning onto your stomach and burying your face into the pillow. “I cannot handle another surprise right now.”

“Trust me. You’ll want to see this. Now get out of bed.”

“Fuck you.”

“You wish. Now get up.”

When you didn’t move, strong hands grabbed your waist, pulling you into the air with surprising strength and flinging you over the High Lord��s shoulder. You yelped, the blood rushing to your head as Eris gripped the back of your thighs, holding you steady as he walked.

“Put. Me. Down. Right. Now.” You hissed through gritted teeth, stomach churning as the world swayed around you.

“Absolutely not.” Eris quipped, squeezing your legs once and he strode down the hallway. “Besides, you’re too hungover to use any of those sneaky moves the shadowsinger taught you. So suck it up, do not vomit on me, and thank me later for dragging you out of bed.”

You groaned as Eris carried you up a winding staircase with ease, your upper body swaying across his back. “Where are you even taking me?” You asked, defeated.

“Your surprise is out on the private balcony.” 

“What is the surprise?”

Eris snorted. “Mother above, you and Nesta are the worst when it comes to surprises, you know that? Nosy creatures.”

“You could have at least given me time to prepare.” You grumbled, realising you were still in your pyjamas.

“So you’d rather I have told you I had a surprise in advance and then let you stew over it for a whole day, leaving you in limbo before finally revealing it?”

You rolled your eyes, knowing he had a point. You didn’t answer, and Eris laughed victoriously. “Thought so.” He said smugly.

Finally, after climbing up a mountain’s worth of staircases, Eris finally set you down. You wobbled, legs unsteady and clinging to the High Lord for balance as you adjusted to being upright again. A large wooden door stood in front of you, elegant whirling carvings along the edges. You shivered at the bone chilling cold of the stairwell, and Eris was quick to drape his warm cloak over your shoulders.

“Thanks.” You said before shooting him a glare. “But if you throw me over your shoulder like that again, I will nail your balls to the wall.”

Pure predatory smirk overcame Eris’s face as he met your gaze evenly. “Oh, please. We both know you enjoyed being tossed around.”

Your cheeks burned, unable to deny that his words rang partially true. You slapped his arm, and hissed at him, “This surprise better be worth it.”

“Oh, I know it is. Once again, feel free to use your spare time to brainstorm all the ways you can thank me later.” Eris simply winked, turning the knob and pushing the door open. You squinted, eyes taking a second to adjust to the bright morning sunlight that glared at you.

Stepping through the doorway onto the breezy balcony, your eyes began to focus. A tall, male figure stood a few feet away, the rays of the sun shining behind him and casting him in an otherworldly glow. Strands of red hair blew in the breeze, the light reflecting off of a familiar golden eye.

“Lucien…” Your voice was barely above a whisper as tears began to pool in your eyes at the sight of your friend coming into view. His golden skin shone in the light of Autumn, his red hair half tied back, revealing his chiselled, handsome face. It was filled with a mix of emotions as he stared back at you – awe, happiness, regret, all at once.

“Hey there, (Y/N).” Lucien said softly, lips pulling up in a smile.

All nausea and dizziness vanished as you surged forward, running towards your old friend. Your heart raced with excitement as you leapt into his outstretched arms, burying your face in his shoulder. There was no hope at stopping the sobs that choked up your throat, so you let them out. Lucien’s strong arms wrapped around you, holding you up as you clung onto his tall form.

Time was askew as you hugged him. It could have been hours or seconds for all you knew. You hadn’t seen Lucien since those few minutes after you escaped Rhys’s prison, all those weeks ago. 

Eventually, Lucien gently set you down. You turned around to ask Eris how he had found and gotten his brother here so quickly, but your mate had slipped away, leaving you alone with Lucien. When you turned back to your friend, his remaining eye simmered with emotion. “I’ve missed you.” He said, squeezing your hands in his own.

“I’ve missed you, too.” You said through tears. “I’m so sorry, Lucien.”

He frowned. “What do you possibly have to be sorry for?”

“For everything,” You gulped. “For everything you’ve been through, for how you’ve been treated. For not trying to find you sooner–”

Lucien interrupted you sternly. “No. Do not say that. None of this is your fault. You’re safe, that’s all that matters. I’m sorry, too.”

“What do you possibly have to be sorry for?” You threw his words back at him playfully, despite the sadness still lacing your voice.

Lucien squeezed your hands again, regret crossing his kind face. “For not fighting harder for you.”

Your heart cracked a bit at his broken voice. Lucien was the best male you had ever known, always putting others above himself no matter the personal cost. “You showed up with armies from the Spring Court to get me back. I’d hardly call that not fighting for me.”

“I meant before that. Feyre and Rhys told me that you were enjoying Velaris and your new missions as a spy, which was why you hadn’t come to visit me. They even went so far as to bring me a scarf claiming it was from you. I simply believed them, and didn’t question it. It wasn’t until Azriel found me and told me the truth about your situation that I realised what was going on.” 

“Lucien–” You tried to speak, to reassure him that he was not at fault here, but your friend cut you off sharply.

“No, it is not okay.” He said sternly. “I should have known better. I had never trusted Rhysand, but decided to take his word for it anyways. I was living in the human lands minding my own business while you were being tortured by that scumbag. And I will carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life. I failed you, (Y/N). And I am deeply sorry.”

You smiled sadly. “Listen to me. You did not lock me up. You did not deceive people. You did not have anything to do with what happened to me. That was Rhys and Feyre. They failed me, not you. And I made it out, that’s all that matters. You risked your life going back to Tamlin and raising the armies for me. If you really wish to seek penance for your guilt, consider that your debt paid.”

Lucien sighed, shaking his head. “I just can’t believe they put you through that.”

“I can.” You snorted, leading him over to the soft couch by the marble railing, overlooking the vast forest below. 

“With Rhys, yes I agree.” Lucien said as he settled down next to you. “But Feyre… the girl I knew who went under the mountain would not have ripped open a court of innocent people for petty reasons. Before Rhys took her away, she gave her own jewels to a poor citizen who did not have enough money to pay the Tithe. It seemed that every time she went away to the Night Court with him, pieces of her slowly chipped away and were replaced with new ones that Rhys created. She was so young, so vulnerable, and now she’s completely under his spell. The fact she could let any of this happen to you disgusts me, and I am ashamed that she manipulated me into believing she was a better friend to me than I ever was to her.”

The autumn breeze soothed your warm face, the fresh air clearing your foggy mind as you drank in the beauty of the view. Lucien was right – the Feyre you had heard about in the stories of Under the Mountain was not the Feyre you had met. As much as you resented her, you couldn’t help but spare her a shred of pity. “She chose her path,” You said steadily. “Just as I have chosen mine.”

Lucien fiddled with the rings on his fingers, playfully elbowing your ribs. “Your path as High Lady and my awful brother’s wife, you mean.”

You rolled your eyes, shoving him back. “He’s not so bad.”

Lucien laughed sharply, a beautiful sound you had missed dearly. “Ok, sure. Come talk to me in a few centuries when you’ve had enough of his bullshit and are debating throwing him off a cliff.”

“Eris seems so enamoured with me, I’m sure all I’d have to do would be to tell him to go fling himself off the cliff and he’d happily do so without question.”

“Unfortunately, I think you’re right.”

The two of you chuckled, just like old times. You adjusted Eris’s cloak, wrapping it tighter around your body. His scent filled your nostrils, filling you with content. “Lucien,” You said hesitantly. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.” The male replied with confidence.

You took a breath before speaking. “Eris is my mate. He has been extremely good to me throughout all this, but you’ve known him and this court almost your whole life. What am I truly getting into by marrying him?”

Lucien was silent for a moment, as if contemplating his answer. Regardless, you knew nothing he could say would change your mind. You wanted to marry Eris, and you knew he would look out for you. But marriage and the workings of Autumn? it was still unknown territory for you. 

“Eris has always been a puzzle,” Lucien said slowly. “For as a long as I can remember, he’s been difficult to figure out. Everything he does is for a reason, and sometimes I can never figure it out. He switches personalities so fast it makes my head spin, and I could never tell what kind of male he truly was because of it. He was an excellent brother when Beron was not around, but the second he entered the room Eris became a different person.

“But it’s different with you. He’s different around you and Nesta, like he’s beginning to thaw. I think it will take a while for him to get used to not having to pretend to be Beron’s prodigy. But with time, he will soften up. Eris knows what he wants and will do anything to get it. He will protect you with unyielding loyalty, even if at times he may seem aloof. There will be times where you grow frustrated with him, and he may shut you out. But from what I’ve seen, I have no doubt that the three of you will be able to work things out. As for this court, give it time. The people can be frosty. Do not show weakness, for they will devour every ounce of exposed flesh like starved vultures. With the right leadership, I do believe it can change. But be patient, and unyielding.”

You mulled over Lucien’s words. He was right – it would be ridiculous to think everything would be smooth sailing from here. Being mates did not mean any complications in your dynamic would be immediately soothed over. It would take a long time for you to recover from and process everything that happened since you were sent to the House of Wind. Just as it would take a long time for Nesta to be comfortable with bathtubs and crackling fire. There would be challenges and disagreements, but at your core you knew it was nothing the three of you couldn’t manage.

“And how do you feel about us all together?” You asked. “Me, Nesta, and Eris, I mean.”

Lucien shrugged. “I see no issue with it. As long as the three of you are happy, that’s all that matters.”

“I wish the rest of this court felt that way.” You sighed. “They didn’t react well.”

He barked out a laugh. “No, I can’t imagine they did.”

You tilted your head back, letting the sun warm your face as you sighed. “So, when did you manage to sneak in here? I assume your banishment is lifted.”

“Yes, it is. Eris brought me here yesterday. I spent the day with my mother. Thank you, by the way, for what you did for her.”

Your heart swelled with happiness. You knew how much Lirilla loved Lucien, how much it pained your friend to be away from his mother for so long. She had a soft spot for him, as he was the least cruel out of all her sons. Every day you thanked the Mother that Lucien had not turned out like Beron.

In the distance, three dragons circled the air, sunning their wings in the rays of sunshine. Their gentle cries rumbled throughout the air like a song carried by the breeze. You snuck a glance at Lucien, whose eyes were fixed on the beasts circling the mountains in the distance. “Eris really did it.” He mumbled as Athariel spun upwards and around Zorzimril.

You whipped your head around. “You KNEW he had dragons?”

Lucien was awestruck as he continued observing the creatures. “Technically, yes. But I never believed him. When I was younger, Eris showed me 3 unusual rocks, claiming that they were dragon eggs. We played with them for hours, and I helped him build a nest to keep them warm. He swore me to secrecy, saying it was our own little game. He told me one day the eggs would hatch, and would grow into three big dragons. Then he, myself, and my mother could each climb on one and fly away from everything.” Lucien’s voice grew sombre, his eye darkening as he continued. “Then one day we found the rocks broken, and Eris told me the dragons had flown away after hatching. I was devastated, I had wanted to see one so badly. But he said they were gone, and I was to never breathe a word about them to anyone. I guess the slippery prick found them and raised them in secret on his own.”

“How did Eris keep dragons a secret from everyone?”

“Keeping secrets is one of his many talents. As I am sure you know very well since he hid the fact he knew that he was your mate.”

You snorted at the jibe, rolling your eyes. “Wow, so you really know everything then, don’t you?”

Lucien laughed, stretching his arms and resting his hands behind his head. The image reminded you of a cat sunning itself in the window. “Unfortunately, yes.” He said. “Eris and my mother filled me in. Among other things.”

You frowned. “Among other things? What does that mean?”

Lucien’s expression was grave, and he turned to face you. His golden eye gleamed in the sunlight but was equally intense as his regular eye as he stared you down. “Promise me that what I’m about to say, you keep to yourself, Eris, my mother, and Nesta.” He said seriously.

Confused, you nodded. Lucien took a deep breath before continuing. “Beron was not my father, apparently.”

You blinked in surprise, but bit your tongue. Lucien had always looked slightly different than his brothers, but you had never really thought twice about it. “My mother had an affair with Helion of the Day Court,” Lucien admitted, his voice hollow as if he didn’t even believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. “I’m his son, not Beron’s.”

Your jaw was slack. “Wow…” You muttered. “Does Helion know?”

Lucien shook his head. “No. But my mother has always been in love with him. It will take her a while to adjust to a reality without Beron hovering over her shoulder, to allow herself to love him openly. If that is what she desires, of course.”

“And what about you?” You asked your friend. “What do you want from all this? I mean… how does it feel?”

Lucien’s expression was distant, as if his mind was elsewhere. It wasn’t hard to tell by the way his jaw tensed that he was thinking of his childhood with his father, remembering every cruel word and ruthless fist he endured. How maybe if things had been different, he could have been spared Beron’s suffering and been raised by Helion – a father who did not delight in torturing his sons. Lucien had a rough life, one that did not seem to be getting any easier. From being banished from Autumn Court to living in a state of uneasy limbo with his mate who seemingly wanted nothing to do with him, Lucien’s life was never truly stable. He was always bouncing from one place to another, never truly fitting in. 

You hoped that with his banishment lifted, Lucien would choose to come back to Autumn. After months of being separated from your best friend, you wanted nothing more than to have him back by your side.

“I’m not quite sure,” Lucien finally answered. “On the one hand, I am glad I am not actually Beron’s son. But Helion being my father changes very little. I was raised by Beron, and for better or for worse I am the way I am because I was a part of his family. In my blood, I am Autumn Court and always will be.”

“But Helion has no other children,” You pointed out carefully. “Which technically makes you the heir to the Day Court, whether you like it or not.”

He shook his head. “It is a power and title I do not want. I’ve never desired to be a Lord of anything, especially not one of an entire court.”

You smiled softly, leaning your head into his shoulder and sighing contently. “I know. That’s why you’re such a good male.”

Lucien wrapped his arm around your shoulder and squeezed you closer to him. “I will let my mother choose what to do about Helion.” He continued. “She may well want to forget the whole thing and leave the past behind. If that is her wish, I am content to go along with it. If she wants to rekindle a relationship with him, then she may tell him that I am his son, and we would go from there. Besides, not all of us are High Lord power hungry like you.”

You laughed, squeezing your eyes shut. “You’re going to make fun of me for becoming High Lady of your court for as long as we live, aren’t you?”

“Of course.” Lucien purred. “Someone has to keep you humble so that power doesn’t get to that pretty head of yours.”

“Careful,” You teased, grinning. “Or I’ll force you to scribe notes during all the council meetings for a decade.”

“Never mind, reinstate my banishment and bounty, please. I’d prefer that over being your note boy for your and your mates’ stuffy meetings.”

Your laughter echoed across the wind, just as Zorzimril let out a playful screech in the distance. For a few minutes, the two of you sat in comfortable silence, until your curiosity got the better of you, and you asked, “So… speaking of mates, has anything happened with Elain?”

The male sighed, rubbing his face with his free hand. You felt a muscle in his neck twitch at the mention of her name, an instinctual reaction like the mere mention of her rang a bell inside him. “No,” He said stiffly. “And frankly, at this point I wish that she would just sever the bond if she wanted nothing to do with me. It’s agonising. And Feyre and Rhys keep her cloistered away, knowing it would be too hard for me to try and visit her after everything that’s happened. I want Elain to be happy, even if it’s not with me, but I truly don’t think she would be happy in the Night Court. I just… I just want her out of there. To give her a chance to choose her own life.”

“From what I’ve seen, she seems content to let her sister choose her life for her.” You kept your words delicate, not wanting to offend Lucien. As much as he was your friend, he was still a mated male – and now you understood that protectiveness he likely felt.

“I think the Archeron sisters need to be apart from each other.” Lucien said, stiffening but not snarling at your comment. “They’ve all been through a lot, and none of us will ever truly understand the history they have because we did not live it. Nesta needs this freedom here in Autumn to build a life for herself after everything was taken away from her. Feyre, for all her faults, needed to be loved in a way that was different from how her sisters loved her, and now she seems to have that. Elain… Elain has been coddled by both of them, from what I’ve heard. She needs to stand on her own two feet and figure out what she wants and how she can navigate this new life by herself.”

You picked at one of the threads of the cushion. “And you want to help Elain do that? Even if it means she severs the bond?”

He nodded. “Yes. I will not lie and say I would not be upset if she chose to do so, but she deserves the choice. We all do. Besides, isn’t Nesta planning on severing her bond with Cassian?”

“We don’t think there’s even a bond.” You admitted, stomach fluttering with nerves at the mention of Cassian’s name. The three of you still hadn’t figured out how you’d deal with that. “It’s a touchy subject. But we know he isn’t her mate.”

Lucien’s brows furrowed. “But Rhys said Cassian was her mate.”

“And you’re going to suddenly start taking his word now?”

“Point taken.” He corrected himself. 

“Something about the whole situation is just weird.” You muttered. “Maybe a link between them is some kind of punishment from the Cauldron. Azriel is investigating it secretly.”

Your friend raised an eyebrow. “He’s still in the Night Court? After everything he did to go against Rhys?”

“Yup. I think Rhys knows he’s too valuable to lose at the end of the day, which is why his head isn’t on the chopping block. Azriel is good at playing both sides I guess.”

That comfortable silence fell over you for another few minutes as you happily existed in each other’s company. You huddled into Lucien’s warmth, begrudgingly knowing Eris was right and this had been worth getting violently dragged out of bed.

Later, you would think of ways to thank him.

An idea formed in your head as you thought of your mate. You propped yourself up, turning to face your friend. “Lucien?” You asked hesitantly.

He raised an eyebrow. “Yes?”

“Can I ask you to do something for me?”

“Sure.”

You took a deep breath, wringing your hands together before blurting out, “Would you walk me down the aisle at the wedding?”

Lucien blinked in surprise, and then a grin spread across his face. “Really?”

You smiled. “Yes. I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have giving me away.”

“Giving you away? I thought you wanted to smash all archaic male-oriented traditions in this court.”

“Don’t be an ass.” You smacked his arm playfully. “I do. But… I won’t have any of my family at the wedding like I always imagined as a child, and you’re the next closest thing. I just want you by my side, that’s all.”

Lucien reached forward, wrapping his big arms around you in an embrace. “Of course I will.” He muttered, squeezing you tight. “Thank you for allowing me the honour.”

The dragons screeched happily in the distance, reflecting the content you felt in your chest. So you inhaled your friend’s familiar scent mixed with the fresh autumn air. Everything you had done to get to this point was all worth it.

 *********************

You all but skipped down the hallway towards Eris’s office in the private library. After hours of talking, Lucien had left to go on a ride through the forest with Lirilla. You had briefly bathed and changed, freshening up to remove the lingering mustiness from your body after the sleepover and alcohol. 

You felt ten times lighter as you swung open the door with a force so strong the expensive knob bounded off the wall. Eris’s head snapped up from where he sat in a plush armchair, a mountain of papers in his hand. He was dressed in a billowy white shirt, the laces at the neckline undone and ever-so-slightly pushed open, revealing part of his toned chest. Red hair was tied back loosely behind his neck, and he raised an eyebrow. “Where’s the fire?” He asked dryly.

You simply bounded across the room in three steps and flung yourself into Eris’s arms, crawling into his lap and pressing your lips against his. His eyebrows shot up and he let out a muffled noise of surprise, but brought his hands up to your hips and pulled you closer. He tasted like cinnamon and coffee, melting in your mouth as you kissed him fiercely. 

Your skin tingled at the sensation of his hands on your hips as they slowly crept downwards, giving your backside a firm squeeze. The mating bond was practically purring in your chest at the contact, urging you to give into your desires. But you reigned yourself in, finally pulling your lips away from Eris’s after your lungs begged for air.

The High Lord smirked up at you, face flushed from your kiss. “I take it you liked your surprise?” His hands stayed on your backside, gently gliding up your hips then back down.

You nodded, throwing your arms around his neck and hugging him. “You’re amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

He chuckled, letting his lips drag over the shell of your ear as he spoke. “You’re very welcome, my dear.”

You pulled away, tangling your hands in Eris’s hair, tugging on the end of the locks right by his scalp. The High Lord tilted his chin back and let out a breath, eyelids fluttering as he grinned. You leaned down and pressed your lips to the column of his newly exposed throat. Underneath you, Eris shuddered as you grazed your teeth up his warm, pale skin before pressing a kiss just below his jaw. “What exactly do you think you’re doing, little fox?” He asked, but his voice was strained, hands gripping your hips tightly.

“Thanking you.” You purred, moving your head to the other side of his neck and repeating your actions.

Eris swallowed thickly, but chuckled. “Oh, sweet thing. Thanking me properly will have to wait until after the wedding.”

You leaned back, sitting up and frowning with confusion. Your mate’s subtle rejection stung slightly. “Seriously? I didn’t peg you for the wait until after marriage type.”

“I’m not,” He corrected, sliding his hands up from your hips and onto your lower back, pulling you closer to him once again. “Believe me, I want nothing more than to take you against this very desk and bury myself between your thighs until time loses all meaning. But I have plans for how I want to fuck you, the both of you. And it involves waiting a little longer. Can you do that for me?”

You nodded, but stuck out your bottom lip ever so slightly. Eris smacked your rear sternly. “Don’t pout,” He scolded. “Brats don’t get nice things. And you’re a good girl, aren’t you?”

“When I feel like it.” You shrugged playfully. Eris’s grin widened like a cat that had just eaten the canary.

“Oh, I am going to have so much fun with you.” His voice was a slick purr, heating up your skin as if his very own fire was running through your veins. Eris pressed a kiss to your cheek, then tapped your hip. “Now, I hate to brush you off like this, but as you can see I have a mountain of paperwork to get through before the wedding to make sure everything is in order. Nesta needs your help in the main hall, she’s all alone with those wedding planners and threatened to shave my head if I don’t send you to her the second you’re done with Lucien.”

You crawled off his lap, rolling your eyes playfully. “Aw, poor High Lord has paperwork.” You said mockingly. “You poor pampered thing.”

Eris shot you a glare. “Careful, little fox. Soon enough you’ll have your own mountain of paperwork as High Lady. That is, if you actually want to help me run this court. Unless you’d rather be like little Archeron over in the Night Court and be just a pretty face.”

You crossed your arms defiantly, knowing he was right. “Fine.” You turned on your heel to exit the study, cringing slightly as you noticed the chip in the wall from where you flung the door open.

“Little fox?” Eris called out.

You turned to face him at the door frame. “Yes?”

Eris’s smirk was devilish as he said coolly, “Do not seek out Nesta to satisfy your desires. She and I have already discussed the matter and are on the same page, so she will say the same thing I have told you, that you have to wait until after the wedding. And don’t you dare try to satisfy your urges on your own. If you do, I will know.”

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[lordeemailarchive]

how I’ve been, revised

(20/09/2023) (Solar Institute Bulletin No. 22) (From London)

Aftershow quiet in Helsinki

Hey,

I just finished writing you a long letter, catching you up on how I’ve been. It ended neatly, tied with a little bow. I chose my words well, but I didn’t tell the truth. So I’m starting again, gonna type and not look back, and send what comes out.

I’m in London, have been since May. Things feel clear here. I haven’t seen many friends; mostly, I’m alone with my thoughts. I go swimming, I go to work, I walk home or take the train, I eat in my kitchen, I go to bed thinking about what I’m making. I’m starting to miss my friends and family, like a vitamin I’m deficient in. Soon I’ll be going back to New York, and then home.

I’m living with heartbreak again. It’s different but the same. I ache all the time, I forget why and then remember. I’m not trying to hide from the pain, I understand now that pain isn’t something to hide from, that there’s actually great beauty in moving with it. But sometimes I’m sick of being with myself. I eat chocolate to try and manipulate the endorphins, bring back the sweet happiness of Easter morning. I sit in the time machine and wait for it to move, but it hasn’t been invented yet.

My body is really inflamed, it’s trying to tell me something and I’m trying to support it but nothing seems to help and I get frustrated. My gut isn’t working properly, my skin is worse than ever, I’ve gotten sick half a dozen times. I realised earlier this year that listening to my body is hard for me, it’s something I never really learned how to do. I’ve been trying to teach myself that this year, but it’s been hard actually, pretty confronting, has made me fully aware of all the times I ignored it or didn’t give it what it needed, shamed it for a fight or flight response, took a handful of pills and pushed through. The little yellow pill I took every morning for thousands of mornings since I was 15, I stopped taking it 5 days ago. Gonna see how it goes.

I go online and look at everyone. Beautiful people sing to me. Everyone’s gotten really good at the same thing. I look at arched backs and wet flower mouths, the right bag, the right sunglasses. I wonder if it feels as good as it looks, it’s been so long since I chose the best picture from a hundred, lined it up like pulling an arrow taut in a bow, and let it go. Everyone looks very thin. Just thinking that makes me feel tired and far away. I’m not sure if it’s having an effect on anyone else. I keep spending money, wondering if what’s in the package will make me feel right, but I guess I buy the wrong things. I was gonna go to fashion week in Paris, had all these grand plans, but this week I txted my manager and pulled out. At the start of my career I promised myself I’d never be one of the people in the light smiling if it wasn’t real.

Earlier this year, I ate two handfuls of mushrooms, solid doses that tasted like green dirt. I got a lot of information about what my body had been through in our time so far, what it needed, where God was and where God wasn’t; I felt in my bones how destabilising it is to leave home and start a new life the way I did. I also saw that my body is completely magnificent, and that hating it is as futile as hating a tree; that I truly, truly love doing my job, and that my life is like a beautiful tapestry, and every inch of it is precious and has meaning.

It might seem funny or be easy to forget, but I make records because I need to. The songs are spells; a spell to let go of something, a spell to unlock a door. Every time I put something into words just as I see it, set it to the right music, a knot comes loose in me. But it hurts too, confronting the knots. I’ve made enough records to know that this feeling of my skin coming off is part of it. I know I’m gonna look back on this year with fondness and a bit of awe, knowing it was the year that locked everything into place, the year that transitioned me from my childhood working decade to the one that comes next — one that even through all this, I’m so excited for. It’s just hard when you’re in it.

So in this state, I went out on a short European festival tour. We built a cool new version of the show in a couple days. It was good to change gears and get out of my head. I put effort into the show, changing the setlist and arrangements, it was cool how you picked up on that, and it felt good dancing to the new versions with you, looking out at you, all sweaty with your friends, all on the same drugs. I felt the throb of history that’s under this music now, how each year makes these songs feel more like collectively written and sung pieces. I left my body and merged with yours and it was ecstasy. Then I went home to a business hotel and washed the glitter and smoke out of my hair.

Lauren took some beautiful pictures — sharing a few with you here.

Backstage in Portugal.

Cute Polaroid series of the 6pm, 8pm, and 10pm versions of me on a show day.

I’ve read some great books recently, including Drive Your Plow over the Bones of the Dead by Olga Tokarczuk, Speedboat by Renata Adler, Motherhood by Sheila Heti, Rough Translations by Molly Giles (brought into my life by sweet angel bookworm Chris Chang), Birds of America by Lorrie Moore; am waiting on my copies of ĀRIA by Jessica Hinerangi and Te Ana Ata: Menstruation In The Pre-Colonial Maori World by Ngāhuia Murphy. Was given Wawata - Moon Dreaming by Dr. Hinemoa Elder which I’m loving looking to as the Maramataka evolves.

It was Te Wiki o Te Reo Māori last week, I loved listening to this from London. This vid from Hemi showing the similarities between te reo Māori and ʻōlelo Hawaiʻi is so sick.

Been meaning to tell you about The Kindness Institute too, a mental health resource for Māori rangatahi that has recently lost government funding. Go check out the beautiful, necessary mahi they’re doing — I know the cost of living is cooked for Kiwis right now and pop stars asking people to donate sux, but if you work at a good sized company maybe you can wrangle a donation from your employers?! I’m gonna email my record company about it.

Other bits that have inspired lately:

Dieter Rams’ principle of “as little design as possible”. This fantastic interview with Thom Yorke. Maddie’s unbelievably beautiful Melo inspired tattoo.

Loving the beautiful new Troye songs and vids, Kelela’s Raven hitting right on the e-bike rides home, late to the magic of Frou Frou but glad I’m here, and the rest of my brain is M.T. Hadley, this great Te Whanganui-a-Tara based band Womb, and Talk Talk. And for those it concerns, have been pilled by parasocial big cousins Jason and Chris. My mum just sent me a Sylvia Plath poem that feels like it sums up the above, I’ll copy it here:

They thought death was worth it, but I Have a self to recover, a queen. Is she dead, is she sleeping? Where has she been, With her lion-red body, her wings of glass?

Now she is flying More terrible than she ever was, red Scar in the sky, red comet Over the engine that killed her— The mausoleum, the wax house.

Sylvia Plath, "Stings"

Hope you’re taking care of yourself. Don’t worry about me, I still laugh every day, it’s all moving, even when it goes slow. I’ve accepted the mission — I have a self to recover.

Speak soon, E X X X X X

(source: received this email)

[little-peril-stories]

The Queen of Lies: The Drop, Part II

Story Intro | Content Warnings | Mood Board | Vibey Song Lyrics | Ao3

Contents: lady whump, guy whump, being threatened, being chased, injury, blood, self-blame/victim-blaming

Previous | Masterlist | Next

Word count: 5500 || Approx reading time: 22 mins

The Drop, Part II

Teaser: He wasn’t alone, at least not yet. Because against all odds, Bree hadn’t bailed on him, nor had she turned him in, and perhaps most surprising of all, her crazy husband hadn’t found her and taken her away.

Silence had never been his favourite thing. Quiet, sure, peace and calm and all that—good for when his mind filled up with too many thoughts that needed somewhere to explode out of in a mess but had nowhere to go, and the soft strum of midnight in the city or the song of wind and bird calls in the trees helped to soothe the storm.

Silence, though.

Silence filled up empty spaces in a bad way. And when his mind was reeling, silence crowded up against those thoughts—shoved them around and twisted them into something worse. Like a crack in the ice on a frozen pond, silence shattered beneath your feet and pulled you into darkness, screeching into your bones and spearing right through your heart and soul until all you could think of was how heavy the world actually was, no matter how damn hard you were trying to forget.

The townhouse was silent.

He’d known it would be, and yet the confirmation crunched and snapped inside him, anyway.

Must have been at least a week since they fucked off—no, longer. Dust coated the table in a way Spider would’ve never allowed; there were no boots by the door; there wasn’t a hint of heat in the fireplace. Just ice-cold ashes and a few charred chunks of wood.

Fox gripped tightly to the edge of the table, watching his hands paint streaks in the layer of dust. He’d known it would be cold and empty and silent.

It still hurt.

He stood, drowning, long enough that he forgot entirely how long he’d been standing there at all.

Dropping the message had been easy. Perfect. Smooth. Quick. And he should have gone back to the inn. That would have been the smart thing to do.

Temptation had won out, and here he was. Temptation had led him straight to heartache. Temptation had proved to him that, for the first time ever, really, he was alone.

Except that wasn’t truly true, was it?

He released his grip on the table and stared down at his dusty fingertips and smudged palms. Ignored the way his shoulder complained at how he’d stood with his muscles so tightly wound, rigidly enough to hurt, reminding him that it wasn’t fully healed yet. His hands twitched in memory of being held by smaller, daintier ones—hands that had not shied away from his when, inarguably, they should have stayed far, far away.

He wasn’t alone, at least not yet. Because against all odds, Bree hadn’t bailed on him, nor had she turned him in, and perhaps most surprising of all, her crazy husband hadn’t found her and taken her away.

His stomach turned. She’d been so eager to help him, to drop a message for the others, all for his sake. But she was alone out there. They’d argued about it—whether to stay together or split up. Logic had won out.

Logic was a huge bitch. He was the one who’d pushed for splitting up, and that goddamn logic felt like nothing more than a savage scam now.

Heaving a sigh, Fox looked around the empty room one last time. Nothing had changed. Still cold. Still silent.

Perhaps it was time for goodbye, then. If Wolf and Spider and Hare were really gone.

In the dust on the table, he began to scrawl. Just in case. Because maybe, just maybe, there was a sliver of hope.

I’m alive.

Underneath, a series of letters.

W.

J.

C.

G.

He paused before the last one, but some compulsion drew his fingers through the dust again.

B.

***

The evening had turned unpleasantly cold—the kind of autumn night that smelled a bit like snow but didn’t have the decency to even spill any. Fox kicked at stones on the road as he walked, unable to shake a feeling of unease. Maybe he shouldn’t have gone to the townhouse. It was probably a terrible move. And leaving that message? The damn initials? Stupid. Spider would fucking kill him if she saw it.

Or she’d be glad to find out he was alive.

He shook a few hairs out of his eyes, pissed off at how they tickled uncomfortably against his eyelashes. Damn hat, shoving his hair forward so it fell in the most annoying place.

God, what had he been thinking, going back there?

What if someone had seen him? What if constables were tearing the damn place apart right now?

He came to a stop and forced himself to take a breath. The thoughts were getting out of control.

“Sounds like we got a problem here, don’t it?”

Fox frowned at the rough voice sneering somewhere around a corner. It sounded vaguely familiar. Unpleasantly familiar.

It sounded like a guy he was pretty sure he didn’t like.

“You gotta know whose turf this is,” the voice drawled. Fox’s arms prickled beneath his coat. “And I never seen no pansy little shitheads like you around here before. ’Specially not a mouthy little bastard in a fancy-ass coat like that. So, where the hell’d you come from, fella?”

Oh, he did fucking know that voice. It belonged to a guy he’d once punched in the face (and who’d punched him back, but that was beside the point). A guy who needed another knock on the head, apparently, because what was that bullshit he was spewing aboutwhose turf this was?

It certainly wasn’t his.

This was IA territory, and no matter what his brother said about not starting shit with the other crews working the suckers in town who left their pockets unguarded, Fox was not about to let this asshole go around claiming that some other gang had somehow overtaken it.

As a high-pitched voice protested whatever that fucker was doing, Fox started forward, then paused.

His shoulder. It still ached. It probably wouldn’t take much to fuck it up again.

“Empty them nice pockets of yours, kid, and maybe we’ll let you pass through with a warning. Maybe.”

Keep walking. That was all he had to do.

“What are you doing?” their victim squeaked. “Just leave me—”

One of the nasty voices burst into a laugh, while the other said, “Fuck, what’s wrong with this guy?”

A cry that was more of a shriek.

And then—

“What the fuck?”

The cry rang in his ears, too loud and too familiar.

“Shit…” Even before the guy went on, Fox knew what he was about to say. “Shit. It’s a girl.”

He was around the corner before he’d even quite realized that he had started to move.

“Hey.”

There she was, flat against the wall where those two motherfuckers from—what were they called? Something stupid—something with an S. Stealthy…sneaky…sorry. Sorry Sixes. That’s who they ran for.

Two bastards from the Sorry Sixes had cornered her.

Those big brown eyes went straight to him, and he almost died, because she looked so scared.

But.

She also looked royally pissed.

It wasn’t like when she’d yelled at him to smarten up and stop being a vulgar, disrespectful prick while he was still in jail, or her frantic, furious tirade to Mrs. Bristow when she convinced her to let them go. It wasn’t like her trembly, worried sort of frustration from when they’d fought about splitting up to cover more ground. It wasn’t like the endless, exhausted annoyance that crossed her face every time she had to destroy another goddamn poster.

This was something new, like something had split inside her, like she had decided she was fucking sick of being pushed around.

“This little cross-dressing freak your woman?” asked the one with his knife at Bree’s throat. Blond haired, blue eyed, mean-looking as a feral dog. “Been acting all shady-like, sneaking around on Sorry Six streets. You oughta keep her a bit more under control.”

“Yeah, about that,” Fox said through gritted teeth, unable to identify which part of that little speech infuriated him the most.

“About what?” the other one asked, shaking greasy red curls away from his narrowed eyes. “Who the fuck are you, anyway?”

“This ain’t your territory,” Fox said tightly, stepping a little closer. Bree’s eyes widened.

In a tiny, subtle movement, her gaze flicking to his bad shoulder, she shook her head. As if, somehow, after only knowing him for a few weeks, she knew exactly what he was about to get himself into. And what a terrible idea it was.

The Sixes snorted. “Says who?”

“Says me.”

“Well, guess I gotta ask again,” the short one said. “Who the fuck are you?”

As Fox stepped into the gas light, the blond guy’s head tilted to the side. “Wait a minute. I know this ugly face.” He shoved Bree back against the wall—whether for dramatic effect or because she’d been trying to slip away, it was hard to tell. But she winced, and at his side, Fox’s hands clenched.

“Think I kicked your ass one time,” he said. “Doesn’t seem like it did much good. Need another go?”

“Fox,” Bree hissed.

“Oh, that’s it. Fox,” the big one mimicked. “IA, ain’t you? How’d you get outta jail? Heard you got busted like an idiot.” He grinned. “Your mug’s been all over this city. You better watch your step, or we gonna be reading a big, splashy headline ’bout you in a day or so.”

With a gruesome, taunting grimace, the ginger mimed getting hanged, tilting his head as if his neck had been snapped.

“Didn’t know you could read,” Fox said, as his blood ran hot. Bree closed her eyes.

The redhead guffawed. “Ha, ha. Hilarious, Dog Boy.”

“Dog Boy. Good one. You come up with that yourself?” He stepped a little closer; neither of them moved. “Get your fucking hands off her.”

“And if I don’t? What you gonna do about it? Your wimpy freak of a leader gonna come and wag his finger at me?” The fucker with the knife laughed. “Last I heard, IA’s dead. And…” His voice trailed off for a moment as he dragged that stare back over Bree’s face. “And they’re looking for both of you.”

Fox heard the words—heard the taunt, the refusal to leave Bree alone, and the pointed jab at his brother. They burst at him like sparks, dropping in painful pinpricks he could not ignore.

He was about to leap, bum shoulder be damned, when Bree kicked the guy holding her right in the goddamn jewels.

“Fucking shit!” Fox yelped as she tore away from the wall, gasping. “You gone crazy?”

“Maybe,” she said, grabbing his arm. “Don’t fight. Let’s g—”

Rich of her, to tell him not to fight when she was the one who had just slammed her leg right into her attacker’s nuts.

And pretty optimistic, seeing as the short one was barrelling straight toward the both of them.

“Bree, get out of here.” Fox didn’t know if she would listen—had a bad feeling, after the assault she’d just launched on the asshole with the knife, that she would not—but the command tore out of him anyway, because neither of these fuckers was going to touch her again, not if he had anything to do with it. How had she even run into them, anyway? Her drop point was blocks away.

A story he could get out of her later, because right now there was an ass that needed kicking.

“You’re going to get h—” She squealed into silence as the blond guy recovered from his howls of pain, repositioned his knife, and shot forward.

“Ah, fuck!” The short one’s fist slammed into Fox’s shoulder just as Bree somehow did what he could not—sidestep her attacker. She still cried out, her voice mingling with his cursing as pain tore through his shoulder. “Bree, for fuck’s sake, just run! I can handle—”

Granted, he would handle it better if he weren’t so busy yelling at her to get lost. The ginger caught him with a knock on his jaw. No big deal. Nothing he couldn’t get back up from.

And he had to get back up from it, because the tall motherfucker with the knife was moving again.

“This ain’t IA territory no more,” the little one hissed. “Not since you landed your sorry ass in jail and the rest of your crew fucked off.”

Fox forgot that his shoulder and his jaw hurt, and he forgot he was being stupid. He sprang forward and knocked the goddamn asshole and his hideous, taunting mouth to the ground.

He shouldn’t have looked away from Bree, though.

The big guy caught hold of her hair, and she shrieked when he yanked her toward him and snarled, “Didn’t know IA had their hands on such cute little gals. ’Specially one who also got her face plastered on every damn wall in this town.”

She gasped and tilted her head back as he kept pulling on her hair. “What are you doing? Let me go, you disgusting, wicked, horrid—”

God, it would almost be sweet, watching her trying to throw out insults like that, if it weren’t so fucking horrifying.

The knife. Back at her throat.

No no no no no no no—

“Pretty little reward for the constable’s pretty little wife,” the blond one said, and as Fox struggled to figure out exactly how he was going to get both of them out of this mess, the other Six swept his feet from under him.

“And a reward for this asshole, too.” Black spots danced before Fox’s eyes as his bad arm was pressed into his back, followed by the other. “You just nothing but talk, eh? Dog Boy’s all bark and no bite.”

Fuck. Fuck.

In the distance, a whistle blasted through the air. Deep-throated shouts. Clicking, scraping footsteps.

“Would you look at that,” said the tall one smugly. “Coppers are nearby. Won’t they be surprised to see what we found?”

“You fucking idiots,” Fox snarled. “They could just arrest you both, too.”

With a growl, the red-haired one twisted his bad arm a little tighter. Fox gasped.

“C’mon, Mrs. Constable,” the big guy said, taking the knife from Bree’s neck for just long enough to pull her arms behind her, too, and shove her to her knees. “Ain’t you lucky? Gonna see your loony of a husband again.” He grinned at his friend. “And we’re gonna get an extra payday, huh?”

His friend cackled, and Fox found Bree’s gaze as they began to call into the night for the police to come running.

The freezing cobblestone underneath him should have been what chilled him to the bone. But what he saw in Bree’s eyes stabbed right into him like ice.

“I’m not going back,” she whispered. So quiet, he was almost only reading her lips. “I’m not. I’m not. I’m—”

“What’re you saying, missus?” The blond peered into her face. “I don’t like your husband much, neither, but I’ll sure take his money.”

“I said…” Bree glared up at him. “I said I’m not going back.”

Wetness gleamed beneath her eyes now, eerie and flashing in the yellow light.

“Let g-go of m-my hands,” she said suddenly. Whimpering. Trembling. “I’ll…I’ll give you whatever I have. That’s what y-you want, right?”

The big guy twirled his knife in his free hand, laughing. “Gonna get a lot more for taking you in, Mrs. Constable. But thanks anyway.”

“Please,” she said, sobbing. “You’re hurting me.”

Her downcast eyes flicked up momentarily and met Fox’s.

“I’ll give you whatever you want,” she whimpered, the instant of silent communication gone, and she craned her neck to look up at the shithead holding onto her. “Please. I’ve got m-money—”

What? Whatever she had in her pockets, it wasn’t much.

Fucking fuck, she was running a scam.

The tall Six growled but let go, pulling her up again to brandish the knife in front of her face.

Mewling quietly to herself, Bree picked at her pockets with shaking hands, and shot Fox a look.

“On three,” she mouthed, as if he were somehow wise to whatever plan she had concocted. Down by her pocket, her fingers counted: one—two—three—

Whatever clumsy but earnest assault she launched into with a shriek, Fox missed, because he gritted his teeth and threw his body upwards, which destroyed his aching muscles and fucked-up shoulder exactly as much as he’d expected it to, but he didn’t really have much choice or much time to come up with something better, and honestly, it worked just fine, with the ginger caught off guard. Fox forced him to roll, and with his arm pretty much out of commission, landed the most forceful kick he could muster right in his potato-shaped nose.

“Come on!” He latched onto Bree’s hand the moment he was on his feet. She hadn’t done much to incapacitate the big guy, but it looked like she had managed to kick him in the shins or something, which was going to have to be good enough to give them time to run. Because as much as he wanted to pummel both of these jerks into the ground, his arm said absolutely not, and if the constables really were on their way, they needed to get gone.

“What the fuck happened back there?” he gasped when they’d made it far enough from the frustrated yowling of the Sixes and the cops that only ordinary evening-in-the-city sounds swelled around them. “How’d you even run into those pricks?”

“I got lost,” she said. “It’s a long—”

“You could’ve been hurt!”

As if she somehow hadn’t expected him to be mad, she blanched. The flicker of hurt, though, was quickly replaced by her own anger. “Me?” she retorted. “You jumped right in, knowing your shoulder is still healing! What were you thinking?”

“You kicked that guy in the nuts! What if he’d been just a little nastier, huh? You know what he could’ve done to you?”

His breath was fighting against him—struggling to get in, screeching and scratching on the way out. Fuck, he’d been in fights, and yeah, he’d been clobbered before, not that he much liked admitting it, but this feeling in his chest was new, clawing at him from the inside, tight and only growing.

“Bree, you could have died!”

What had he been thinking, for god’s sake, letting her drop a message? Letting her get involved? How stupid was he? Everyone else knew it. They’d told him time and time again. Idiot. Reckless. Foolhardy. Impulsive. Thoughtless. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid—

“Fox, you’re hurting me,” Bree whispered, and he looked down toward the hand squeezing hers.

Shit.

“Fuck. I’m sorry.” He let go, staring at the fingers that had been about to crush hers. Stupid and ill-fucking-tempered, after all that bullshit of Bree, I’m not him and trying to be better than the soul-sucking demon she’d married and here he was, yelling at her and scaring the shit out of her and hurting her, damn it all. “I’m sorry. I didn’t—”

The words died.

His fingers were slick with blood.

And he was pretty goddamn sure it wasn’t his.

“Bree…”

Her eyes went from his face to his bloody hand, and she gasped softly. “Oh. What did you—”

“It’s not mine,” he said, reaching for the hand he’d been clasping, and the sight of it nearly had him hurling his guts into the street, not because he had a problem with blood, for fuck’s sake, but because of whose blood it was. And how it dripped from her fingers, flowing freely. And fast.

“Oh, my—” Her face went a little green as she realized she was the one leaving a blood trail. “I don’t even know when—”

“Shit,” he hissed, watching dark red splatter onto the stone beneath them. “That looks bad.”

“I’m…I’m sure it’s…” For a moment, he could just see it: her eyelids fluttering closed, her limp body falling to the stone, him having to carry her in his arms while hoping she wouldn’t bleed out then and there…

And then she fumbled for a handkerchief, pressing it against the jagged slice that bastard had left on her forearm, right up to her wrist.

“It’s going to be fine,” she said firmly, even though she was pale.

He watched the starched cotton blossom with wet, seeping darkness, then pulled off his scarf. “Use this.” His hands shook as he pressed the wool to her arm, wrapping it with clumsy fingers.

How long till they got to the inn? Too long. Maybe the scarf would help staunch the blood. But it needed a real bandage. And she probably needed to not be running through the streets in a panic.

“I’m sorry,” he said hoarsely. “I wasn’t trying to scare you.”

She didn’t move her hands from where they held the makeshift bandage to her arm. But her gaze tilted upwards. “You don’t scare me.”

He swallowed.

“Tell me if you start to feel real bad, okay?” He itched to take her hand in his, so strongly it was almost making him twitch. But she needed to keep pressure on that goddamn cut. “We gotta keep moving. But we’re almost there.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, looking around nervously, a shiver wracking her body. “I don’t know where we are.” 

“We’re not going back to the inn. Not with your arm looking like that.” Her eyes widened, but after a moment, she seemed to realize that he was, for once in his life, following a sensible impulse and not a harebrained one.

“Okay,” she said softly. “I trust you.”

Fox was struck by how fiercely he wanted to just scoop her into his arms and carry her all the way—how much she looked like she needed it. But she stayed on her own two feet, and even though she winced with each jarring step, as the night fell colder and deeper around them, she did not complain. He had to force himself to stay far, far away from the question of why she handled her pain so stoically.

“Just a minute,” he said when they got there, as he pried a loose board from the steps and fished around in the dark, trying to find the key. “Fuck! Where is it?” He’d just dropped it back there an hour ago at most. Where the hell could it have gone?

He heard her soft intake of breath, startled and nervous, and he ordered himself to calm the fuck down.

“Sorry,” he muttered, finally grasping the key and shoving the board back into place. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t find…”

“It’s all right.” Was he imagining it, or was her voice growing faint?

Getting the goddamn key into the lock was even more of an ordeal. He was on the verge of just breaking down the door and facing the consequences later when the lock clicked and the door swung open.

“Got bandages somewhere,” he said, helping her through the entryway—he knew every uneven floorboard, every sharp corner, but she didn’t. “I just—I mean—I—fuck—” Where was he supposed to start? “Water. Right? Wash it. Needs to be…”

“Fox…”

“It’s usually me with the stupid injuries,” he said as he guided her toward the kitchen, “the dumb, idiot, clumsy, dumb fuck who’s hurt, and everyone else is running around finding me bandages, not the other way around, so I don’t really—”

“Just—”

“But I think—I gotta boil water, right? So it’s clean? Or whatever? Does that sound right?”

Stupid, stupid, stupid. The word danced around his head, taunting him, unwilling to let him forget for even an instant how foolish it had been to let Bree get anywhere close to IA life.

So what had he done?

Brought her to its headquarters.

Its empty, abandoned headquarters—but IA’s former stronghold, nonetheless.

He tore through the cupboards. God, the others were so damn organized, far more than he was, so you’d think he be able to find a single fucking bandage somewhere.

“Got it,” he said, leaving the cupboard door wide open and turning back toward Bree

“Fox!”

The scarf hit the floor more heavily than it should have.

“You’re panicking,” she said. Her handkerchief stuck to her skin; even in the dim light, he could see how wrong it was. The wrong colour, pasted and slick against her arm.

“No, I’m not.” Fuck, her fingers were cold. They found his as he pressed the new bandage to her cut.

“Yes, you are.”

“I’m not—”

“I’m okay.” Weak light, moon and lamp glows mingled, drifted in, just enough to see that her cheeks were wet and her lip was trembling. “I’m okay.”

“Fuck that,” he said, forgetting who he was talking to for a moment. Until she flinched. “You’re crying.”

“Y-yes,” she said. “I think—I think it’s—it’s catching up with me now.” She drew a shuddering breath. “I was scared. I was scared. I was so scared.” She took a step closer. “When I saw you, when you came around the corner, I felt—I was—I was so—I felt safer, but then—when I thought they might hurt you, and then when they were going to turn us in, and the thought of you—” She gasped, and then she pressed against him, her head to his chest. “Of Baden hurting you again—”

That made him sputter. “Of him hurting me again?” She was shaking. From cold? Leftover terror? Blood loss? Wracking sobs? “You serious?”

“He almost killed you.”

“God, Bree, what d’you think he’d do to you?” His voice cracked. “For being the one to help me? You think I could—you think I could handle that? Him getting his hands on you? So he could…he could…”

Before he even quite realized what he was doing, he had wrapped his arms around her, embracing that fragile form as if his body could shield her from the horrors of her past.

“Those constables,” Bree whispered, leaning into him. “They were after me.”

“After you?”

“I ran into my friends,” she said. “They recognized me. Taking down the posters. I—Alice, I think she would have looked the other way, but—but Marguerite, she… She looked… She thought I had gone…” A choking gasp. “She yelled for the police, so I ran. That’s why I was lost. And how I ended up there.”

“It’s okay,” he said, holding tighter. “They didn’t catch you.”

“But if they’d caught you, it would have been all my fault.”

He pulled away then. “No. It wouldn’t have.”

“And that boy hurt your arm,” she said shakily. “Because I—I made them angry—I wasn’t trying to—”

“Not your fault either,” he said. “They’re both shitheads. Plain and simple.”

She laughed, weepy but genuine, and it was beautiful. It brought him back from that fuzzy, floating realm of rage that seemed to exist outside of time and space, that turned the world white and red and black and made his thoughts go hazy and made him just want to scream and lash out and make the pain and the people causing it go away. That laugh, even thick and choked with tears, grounded him. Reminded him of why he’d been so pissed off in the first place. Who he’d been so desperate to protect.

He pressed one hand to her cheek. She didn’t startle, didn’t flinch. When he slid it down to the tip of her chin, and with the gentlest, barest force he could muster, tilted it up so he could look into her eyes, she didn’t pull away.

“None of it was your fault,” he said. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m sorry for making you think…” His mouth had gone dry. “I was scared, too.”

Scared of what, exactly?

Bree brushed away the tears that still glittered on her cheeks. “I’m worried I’m getting blood on your coat.”

Blood. “Shit!” He was supposed to be boiling water. Apologizing and explaining and cuddling were all great, but they weren’t going to do much to help her sliced-open arm. “Let me—god, I’m sorry, I’m really terrible at this whole thing—”

He bolted for the door. When you lived in an old-ass townhouse, you got the pleasure of using the old-ass well down the road instead of the fancy-ass running water the rich folk got. And if no one had been in the house for weeks, there sure as hell wasn’t any water inside. “Sit down, okay? I’m coming back. I’ll—I’m just going for water—I’ll be right there!”

He fled before she could comment on what a piss-poor medic he made, or on the fact that he still had to get a goddamn fire going before he could even think about boiling water.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. At least the inn would have had hot, clean water ready to use.

But it was farther away.

But it was safer.

But she’d have kept bleeding into the street.

Water in tow, he skidded back inside and went straight for the oven, flinging open the cast-iron door and throwing in the first flammable things he could find. He really had to concentrate, to focus his energy on lighting the kindling and making sure the logs took to flame, because his mind was racing again, too fast and too loud. If Bree said anything, he didn’t hear.

When he finally turned around, water heating and candles lit so they could actually see, her head lay on her good arm—her body slumped over the table.

“Shit! You okay?” He flew to her side. Landed on his knees.

Her eyes fluttered open immediately. “Yes. I’m just resting.” Slowly, she sat up. “You were here already.”

“Huh?”

She pointed to the message he’d written in dust earlier that day—such a short time ago, yet it felt like decades. “What does it mean?”

“What do you mean, what does it mean?” He stood up again, embarrassed that he’d panicked when she’d merely closed her eyes in exhaustion. An inspection of her arm showed that no new blood had soaked through the bandage she still held against it. “It says I’m alive.”

“Not that,” she said. He tried to catch any resentment in her voice. But she didn’t sound surprised that he’d been to the house already. “The other part. The letters.”

He looked again at the initials. It was so obvious to him—but of course, to her, it meant nothing.

“You really wanna know?”

His heart was still racing, but as he looked over the letters, his mind calmed once more, and his limbs moved without frenzy—one hand to stroke her cheek, an unconscious movement he couldn’t have resisted even if he wanted to, and the other to take her unbandaged arm.

“Of course.” Her eyes were on him. When he moved her hand, though, she looked to the table, to the letter B, and what he was writing there with the tip of her finger.

Bree.

She frowned, confused, until he did it again. Guided her finger to form the rest of the letters that were missing behind the W.

Silence draped over them, but it wasn’t the boggy, drowning, thought-twisting kind. It was the kind that made him forget why the house was so silent. It was the kind that dripped with sweetness and with promise, that inhabited the space between strangers and not, between fear and loyalty, between the past and the future.

“Will,” she breathed. “Your name is Will.”

No doubt. No mistrust. Not even a question; it was as if, by some magic, she had always known, and the revelation was no surprise. The sound of his name coming from those lips was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard, like birdsong after a storm or the crunch of boots on a fresh, white crust of snow.

“My name is Will,” he echoed.

Bree was silent again, gazing at him with wide, shining eyes. In unison, they drew closer, and Will’s entire body tingled with every possibility contained in the moments between them, in their shivering breaths that seemed to go in and out as one, and in the crackling air that seemed now to connect rather than separate.

And then she was the one with her arms around him, those bird’s wings enveloping him as if they might never let go, and her lips were pressed to his. Her kiss was warm, as soft as air, almost, and just as life-giving. It tasted the way he imagined starlight would: sweet and bright and colourful, like strawberries in summer, like apples in autumn, like cinnamon and sugar and just-brewed tea.

With his pounding heart rattling every inch of his body, Will Wardrew kissed Bree Scarlett back, and even though their world was in shambles and maybe always had been, there was a moment where everything—everything—was right.

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Taglist (please let me know if you’d like to be added/removed!)

@starlit-hopes-and-dreams

@clairelsonao3

@gala1981

@pleasestaywithmedarling

@kixngiggles

✨

[cacoetheswriting]

I am loving Pearl so far, beautifully written, but WAIT because I have to know what the letters said 😭😭😭

thank you, anon! <3 i appreciate your sweet words 🥹 and thank you for asking, it inspired me to actually fill in this gap - hope you enjoy!

content warnings: best friends to lovers, slow burn, mutual pining, mature themes, adult language, death of a parent, topics of grief, emotional hurt / comfort, self-doubt / insecurities - unedited - if i missed anything, pls let me know!

pearl masterlist

November 19, 1984

Eddie,

Sitting back in my dorm feels almost surreal. Everyone around me is going about their lives as normal, and I know I can’t be mad because obviously to them nothing’s changed, but how am I expected to join in normality? To just pick up where I left off at the start of the month?

You know what my chem professor told me? ‘We’ve all lost someone. The trick is to not make it your whole personality.’ In a way that makes sense to me. It’s logical. I can’t let my dad’s passing define me. And he obviously would want me to move on with my life. But Eddie, my heart bleeds. 

This grief… This grief is swallowing me whole. This grief has embedded itself into my core being and on most days, it’s fucking consuming me. I lost a parent, a protector, a friend. There are memories I’ll never get to make because he’s gone. I really lost a piece of myself. How come no one seems to get that?

You get that, right Eddie? I know you understand. You always understand.

I miss you. I miss my dad.

P.S. Excuse this tear stained paper. It’s a mess. I’m a mess.

P.P.S I’m sorry for running off on you the day of the funeral. It was just… a lot.

November 22, 1984

Eddie,

Nothing makes sense anymore. (Also, I know I just wrote you, but I haven’t sent that letter yet so you’ll get both together and can respond to them as one.)

I’m trying to catch up on the material I missed and the words blend together before my eyes. Well, I only have myself to blame. My mom offered for me to take the rest of the semester off and start fresh from the new year, but I thought the distraction would help. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I’m so sad all the time. And you know what the worst part is? Aside from the nightmares and this restlessness I’ve felt since the funeral, I just can’t stop thinking about you. What is Eddie doing, who is he with, does he think about me too?

Well, do you? God, this is fucking stupid. I know you do ‘cause you fucking call me everyday and I can’t bring myself to answer or call you back… Stupid…

I also think about our last moment together often… Actually, please ignore this letter, Eddie. Don’t respond. Like I said, nothing makes sense anymore, including my thoughts.

I miss you.

November 27, 1984

Eddie,

I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring your calls. I’m sorry I’ve had my roommate make up stupid excuses for me, that’s so lame. Most of all though, I’m sorry I haven’t called you back. 

You’re trying to be there for me and I’m pushing you away. That’s shitty of me and really unforgivable. But the thing is, I think I’m doing it because I know you’ll always forgive me. That’s even shittier of me. I’m awful.

You deserve a better friend, Eddie Munson. You deserve the world and I only wish I could give you that. Instead, you’re stuck with a girl who runs away from uncomfortable situations and hurts you in the process.

I wish I could go back to the day of the funeral and change

November 30, 1984

I spent the entire day listening to my mom cry over the phone — tell me, does it make me heartless for not shedding a single tear? Thinking now, this is the first time I haven’t cried since the funeral.

Anyway, I’m failing the semester. Surprise, surprise.

Also, Jonathan and Nancy came to visit. Why didn’t you come with them? God, why am I such a loser? Won’t speak with you over the phone, but gets mad when you don’t take time from school to come see me. I’m sick of myself.

P.S. Thank you for regularly doing the groceries for my mom and helping her around the house. You have no idea how much that means to her, and to me. I love— Thank you, Eddie.

December 4, 1984

It’s been a month since my dad died.

The grief hasn’t surpassed. If anything, it’s gotten stronger. My roommate has to force me to do basic human things like eat and sometimes even shower. She’s really been my rock here these last few weeks. You’d like her, I think. She couldn’t be more different than you in style, but she’s funny. 

I know you probably don’t have a high opinion of her now, considering she’s helping me avoid you, but—

I should really call you back. I’m sorry.

December 10, 1984

I haven’t sent a single one of these letters. You’ll probably never read them and know how truly awful I feel for ignoring you.

Eddie, how come things have gotten so complicated? You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s all on me. I wish we could go back to that day at Lover's Lake when you played your guitar for me. That was bliss.

I miss you, my Bobby McGee.

December 14, 1984

Eddie, you didn’t call today.

I shouldn’t be surprised. Not like I’ve given you a reason to call.

I wonder if you’ll even want to see me when I come home for the holidays. Probably not. That’s okay though. That’s okay…

December 19, 1984

Eddie,

Perhaps I’m saying this a little too late, but I appreciate you. Thank you for being my best friend and the entire reason why I know I’m going to be okay.

I think I’m in love with you. No. I know I am.

And I’m going to give you all these letters. Hopefully, you’ll read them in front of me so I can see your reaction when I say:

I love you, Eddie Munson. 

I’m coming home for the holidays. I’ll come see you and I’ll apologise. With any luck, you’ll forgive me for being a cold-hearted bitch. With any luck, although I probably don’t deserve it, you’ll be my person again.

I'm yours, forever.

thank you for reading <3

& tagging some cool people that expressed interest in this lil series: @cactusangie , @spenciesprincess , @capitanostella , @ashlynnkennedy , @ms1oftheboys

pearl masterlist

[snowysosturn]

Speeding Car - Matt Sturniolo Part 26

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29

Pairing : y/n x Matt Sturniolo

Summary : After six years with your boyfriend Alex, you start to mentally check out. At a UCLA party, Alex reconnects with his childhood friend Emily, who proposes a double date with her boyfriend Matt. Your attraction to Matt grows as he pays you the first real attention you've had in years, sparking a complicated emotional journey.

Warnings : MDNI, angst, tension, anxiety, mentions of memory loss, guilt, rejection

As Nick and I left his room, the air felt different. The tension I’d felt downstairs hadn’t left me, and I couldn’t help but feel like there was something more beneath the surface, especially with Matt. But I pushed it aside as we walked down the stairs, back toward Chris and Matt.

Before we reached the bottom, Nick turned to me, his voice soft, "Hey, if you feel comfortable, you can stay here tonight. I’ll sleep in Chris’s room, so you can have mine. I don’t want you to feel like you have to go back if you’re not ready."

I hesitated for a second but then nodded. "That sounds good, actually. Thanks, Nick."

When we stepped into the living room, Chris was sprawled across the couch, grinning from ear to ear. He waved a controller in the air. "Mario Kart is ready! I’m kicking your ass this time!"

Matt, however, sat next to him, more reserved, his posture stiff. I couldn’t help but be intrigued by him. Chris was an open book, easy to read and light hearted. But Matt..there was something closed off, something almost guarded. I could feel it, like a wall between us that I couldn’t understand.

"Here" Chris said, handing me a controller with a grin. "Let’s see if you’re still as good as you used to be."

I grabbed the controller off Chris, “Who knows this time, this brace on my wrist is definitely going to hinder me” I said laughing.

We started playing, and I immediately got into the zone, sprained wrist or not. I smoked them in every single one of the four circuits, each victory making me feel more and more in control, like I was regaining a piece of myself.

Nick, impressed but clearly not wanting to lose again, suggested we play teams. "How about Matt and Y/n team up? You two were unstoppable last time."

I waited for Matt to agree, thinking it’d be fun to see how we worked together. But instead, Matt shook his head, his voice cool and detached. "Nah, let’s switch it up."

The rejection hit me in a way I didn’t expect. A weird, dull ache settled in my chest. Why did it bother me so much? Maybe it was just the rejection itself, or maybe it was the way he’d been acting since I arrived. Distant. Cold.

Nick and Chris exchanged confused glances, both of them snapping their heads to look at Matt. Chris even raised an eyebrow, clearly surprised. "What? Why? You guys were like the dream team."

Matt shrugged, his expression unreadable. "I just feel like switching things up this time."

I tried to brush it off, but it lingered. Something about Matt’s reluctance, his distance. It felt personal, even though I couldn’t understand why. And the way Chris and Nick reacted, like they knew something I didn’t, only made it worse.

We played on, but the atmosphere felt different now. The game became background noise to the questions swirling in my mind. Why did Matt feel so far away, like he was avoiding me? And why did it matter so much to me?

Matt’s POV

From the moment I heard Y/n was in the house, my mind went into overdrive. I hadn’t expected to see her again so soon, definitely not like this, and the way she looked at me downstairs stung more than I’d ever admit.

Chris was being his usual self, carefree and oblivious, throwing the Mario Kart controllers around like we were kids again. I couldn’t get into it, though. My head was stuck on Y/n. She had this way of pulling everything out of me without even trying, and now, seeing her act like a stranger, like we hadn’t been through everything together, it messed with my head.

Nick and Y/n came back downstairs, and I could feel her eyes on me again. She seemed.. intrigued. Like she was trying to figure something out. Maybe she was piecing together memories, or maybe she just knew something wasn’t right between us. Either way, I couldn’t handle it. Not right now.

I sat there, watching Chris act like an idiot, shouting about how he was going to destroy everyone in the game. I didn’t have it in me to join his energy. But when the game started, I couldn’t help but notice how easily Y/n slipped into it. She was as good as I remember. Each time she crossed the finish line first, there was this spark in her, a glimpse of the girl I remembered. It killed me.

Then, Nick, trying to be the peacekeeper he always is, suggested teams. “How about Matt and Y/n team up? You two were unstoppable last time.”

The second he said it, something inside me froze. The thought of teaming up with her, of being close to her like we used to be, it felt like too much. I couldn’t do it. Not when I knew everything I’d done. Not when she didn’t even remember any of it.

“Nah” I said, trying to keep my voice casual. “Let’s switch it up.”

I could feel her eyes on me, but I didn’t look at her. I couldn’t. I knew that what I’d just said hurt her, and that only made it worse.

Nick and Chris both turned to stare at me like I’d grown another head. They knew how close Y/n and I used to be. Hell, they knew the full extent of it.

“What? Why?” Chris asked, sounding genuinely baffled. “You guys were like the dream team.”

I just shrugged, trying to brush it off like it didn’t matter. “I just feel like switching things up this time.”

But the truth was, I couldn’t handle it. Being near her, pretending like nothing had changed, knowing she didn’t remember all the nights we spent talking, the way I’d cared about her, how I’d let her down. I wasn’t strong enough to fake it.

The game carried on, but I was barely paying attention. I couldn’t focus, not when I knew she was sitting across the room, probably wondering why the hell I was acting like this. And part of me hated myself for it, for pushing her away when I should’ve been trying to make things right.

But I couldn’t face her. Not when the weight of everything I’d done, all the secrets and guilt, was still crushing me.

Y/n’s POV

I glanced around the room, sensing the tension after Matt rejected Nick's suggestion that we team up. I wasn’t sure why, but it stung a little. Maybe it was the rejection, or maybe it was the way he seemed to be avoiding me, like he wanted to keep his distance for reasons I couldn’t figure out. It didn’t make sense. He felt familiar in some strange way, but it was like there was this wall between us.

I shook it off, deciding not to dwell on it. Chris, on the other hand, was buzzing with energy, clearly eager to win. He kept fidgeting with the controller in his hand like he couldn’t wait to start.

"Alright, Chris" I said, breaking the tension and forcing a smile. “I guess it’s you and me, then. Let’s team up. I’ll make sure you finally get that win.”

His face lit up, a wide grin spreading across it. “Hell yeah! I knew you’d be my secret weapon.”

I laughed. Chris was so easy to be around, no secrets, no weird tension. Just a guy who really, really wanted to win a Mario Kart game. Unlike Matt, who was sitting there with this distant look in his eyes.

As we got ready to play, I could feel the room settle again, but I couldn’t help stealing a glance at Matt. He was leaning back on the couch, his controller resting loosely in his hands, but his eyes weren’t on the screen. They were somewhere else, like he was caught in his own thoughts.

I quickly turned back to the screen. Whatever was going on with him, I’d figure it out later. Right now, Chris needed my help, and I was determined to carry him to victory.

“Alright, Chris, just follow my lead” I said, teasing him a little. “I’ll make sure you don’t crash and burn.”

“Hey, I’m not that bad!” he protested, laughing. “Just make sure we win, okay?”

I smirked, gripping the controller as the countdown started on the screen. 

Chris and I were an okay team, I completely carried him, but at the end of the race, we crossed the finish line first. Chris leapt off the couch, cheering with a huge grin on his face, practically shaking the controller in excitement. "I can’t believe it! I actually won!"

I laughed, feeding off his energy. "Told you I’d get you that win!"

Chris was absolutely over the moon, and I felt a small surge of pride in making it happen for him. I glanced over at Matt, who was watching silently. Feeling playful, I teased, “See, Matt, that could’ve been you if you had teamed up with me instead.”

To my surprise, I got a laugh out of him. A real one. It was small, but it broke through the distant vibe he’d been giving off. I couldn’t help but smile, feeling like I was chipping away at whatever wall he had put up. There was something about him, something I couldn’t fully understand, but it made my heart race whenever I was around him.

Matt stood up and excused himself, saying he needed some air. He slipped out to the balcony that was connected to the living room. The balcony door stayed open, though, so we could still all talk, and I decided to follow him. I’d built up a bit of a sweat from being competitive, and the cool air felt like the perfect excuse to join him.

As I stepped out onto the balcony, the breeze hit me, refreshing against my skin. Matt didn’t say anything as I stood beside him, but it didn’t feel uncomfortable. There was a strange pull between us, something I couldn’t quite name, but it kept me there, even in the silence.

Inside, Chris kept the conversation going, his voice bubbling with amusement. He brought up the odd, out of pocket things people had been saying on their streams lately, especially the weird usernames that Matt had ended up blocking. "Someone was begging Matt for backshots and their username was MattsLongJohn. Man, the stuff people say in chat."

Nick chimed in with a shocked laugh, while Chris, ever the entertainer, continued. “Oh, and Matt almost gave me a black eye with the Tapple board the other night. Dude’s dangerous when he’s competitive.”

The mood lightened, and we all laughed at the ridiculousness of it. But then, Chris turned to Matt, his tone casual, though he didn’t seem to realize the weight of his words. "Speeding car, ass or tits?"

Matt’s face fell instantly, like someone had punched the air out of him. "First of all, that's just not how you use that phrase" he said, his voice tense, his usual calm demeanor breaking. "Second of all, I'm not answering that."

The conversation froze for a moment, and I felt a sudden rush of heat flood my body, like every nerve in me was suddenly on high alert. Speeding car. The phrase rang in my ears, and without knowing why, it felt like something I should remember. Images of bright lights. Matt’s voice.  I felt dizzy, like my head was spinning but I also had a feeling of nervous butterflies in my stomach.

I needed water. I took a step back from the railing, turning toward the door, my pulse racing. “I’ll be right back” I muttered, trying to steady myself. My throat felt dry, and my hands trembled slightly as I headed back inside.

As I passed through the door, I could still hear Matt and Chris continuing their conversation, but everything felt muffled. The flashes of light, the sound of screeching tires, Matt’s voice, but also the sound of laughter, a feeling of nerves throughout my body - it all crashed into me at once. What was that? What are these feelings?

I hurried to the kitchen and grabbed a glass, filling it with cold water from the fridge, I needed to stand somewhere a bit more private, I remember seeing a bathroom beside the room Chris and Matt were in earlier on, so I let myself into there.I stared at my reflection in the mirror, trying to calm the storm building in my chest. Something was wrong. Something I couldn’t remember.

Matt’s POV

As soon as Chris let those words slip, I felt my stomach drop. I glared at him, my fists clenching as anger surged through me. "Chris, what the fuck  is wrong with you?" I snapped, my voice lower than usual but laced with frustration. "You can’t just bring up something like that. Especially not in front of her."

Chris’s face fell instantly, his usual carefree grin disappearing as he realized he’d crossed a line. "I-I didn’t mean anything by it, Matt" he stammered, holding his hands up in defense. "I was just messing around."

"Messing around?" I repeated, my tone sharp. "You think that’s something to mess around with? You know what that word brings up." My voice faltered slightly at the end, and I forced myself to take a breath. The last thing I needed was to blow up in front of everyone. But I couldn’t help it. Bringing up the accident, or anything related to it, wasn’t just reckless, it was cruel, even if Chris didn’t mean it that way. Especially with Y/n being here.

Chris’s expression softened as realization hit him. He ran a hand through his hair, looking genuinely apologetic. "Shit, Matt, I didn’t think about that. I wasn’t trying to bring up.. y'know, that. I’m sorry, man. It was just a dumb joke from stream. I didn’t mean it like that."

I sighed, running a hand through my hair, trying to calm down. I knew Chris hadn’t meant any harm. He never did. But I was already on edge, especially being around Y/n. As much as I was trying to keep my distance, to protect her or maybe even protect myself, it didn’t mean I didn’t care about her anymore. I still did. I cared about her more than anything. It also didn’t mean I didn’t love her anymore either. I could never stop loving her, but it was easier this way. Easier to pretend that she didn’t care about me at all, even if it was slowly tearing me apart.

And what made it worse was the fact that she was stood right there, unaware of everything that had happened, the weight of what she didn’t know. And here Chris was, casually throwing it around like it didn’t mean anything. Like it wasn’t tied to the worst night of her life. How it was tied to what we were.

I glanced toward the bathroom door, noticing how long Y/n was taking. She had gone to get a drink, but it felt like an eternity had passed. My chest tightened with worry. What if Chris’s stupid comment had triggered something? What if she was starting to remember things, and I wasn’t there to help her through it?

Chris must’ve noticed me looking, because he followed my gaze, his brow furrowing. "You think she’s okay?" he asked quietly.

"I don’t know" I muttered, my voice low as I glanced back toward the closed door. "She’s been gone for a while."

I wasn’t sure if she was in the bathroom, the kitchen, or if she’d just needed a moment to herself. Either way, I felt uneasy. My mind raced with the possibility that she was piecing things together, flashes of memory coming back to her that she wasn’t ready for. The thought of her remembering the accident, without any warning or explanation, scared the hell out of me. I wasn’t ready for that conversation. Not yet.

"Maybe I should check on her" I said, more to myself than to Chris. I couldn’t help the protective instinct that kicked in, even though I’d been trying to keep my distance all night. I didn’t want her to go through this alone, not again.

Chris nodded. "Go. I didn’t mean to mess things up. I’ll stay out of it."

I took a deep breath and stood up, my eyes fixed on the direction Y/n had gone. My heart pounded in my chest, a mix of fear and guilt twisting in my gut. As much as I wanted to stay distant, to avoid complicating things further, I couldn’t ignore the pull I felt toward her. And right now, all I wanted was to make sure she was okay.

Y/n’s POV

I stood in the bathroom for what felt like forever, staring at my reflection as if the answers were hidden somewhere in the lines on my forehead. My hands were gripping the edges of the sink so hard my knuckles turned white. I splashed more water on my face, letting the coldness shock me back into the present. It helped, but not enough. The weight in my chest hadn’t gone away. I knew I needed to calm down. There was no use spiraling right now, especially not in front of anyone. 

Looking at myself in the mirror, I forced a few deep breaths. Maybe I was just exhausted, maybe it was too much all at once. Meeting Chris and Matt, hearing Nick talk about how we all used to be close, it was a lot to process. It was like stepping into a life I wasn’t fully a part of anymore but still felt connected to.

With another breath, I finally decided it was time to go to bed. It would be better to sleep and let my mind rest. Maybe things would feel clearer in the morning.

I dried my face and opened the bathroom door, only to find Matt standing right outside. The hallway was dimly lit, casting a soft shadow over his face, but I could see the concern in his eyes.

"Are you okay?" he said, his voice low and hesitant.

"Yeah" I nodded, trying to offer a reassuring smile. "I’m fine. Just.. tired. I think I’m going to head to bed."

He looked at me for a moment, like he was searching for something in my expression. Maybe he was trying to see if I was really okay, or maybe he was debating whether to say something else. But after a beat, he just nodded and stepped aside to let me pass.

"Alright. Get some rest," he said quietly, his voice holding something unspoken.

I walked past him, feeling the weight of his gaze on my back for a few more seconds before I turned the corner into the living room. Nick and Chris were still lounging on the couch, Chris fiddling with the Wii controllers while Nick scrolled on his phone. They looked up when I approached.

"Hey guys, I’m gonna head to bed" I said. "I’ll probably leave around 11 in the morning. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment."

Nick straightened up a little, giving me a curious look. "Oh, okay. Do you want to grab breakfast before? Matt and I can drop you off after, we’re picking up Nate from the airport around that time anyway."

I turned slightly, glancing back at Matt. He was still in the hallway, leaning against the doorframe, watching the conversation unfold. He caught my eyes and nodded.

"Yeah, that works" he said. "I can drop you off."

"Sounds good" I replied, offering them both a small, tired smile. "Thank you for tonight. Goodnight, guys."

"Night" Nick said, giving me a wave, while Chris mumbled something about winning Mario Kart under his breath.

I turned and started walking back up the stairs, feeling the day’s exhaustion setting in. The events of the night weighed on my mind - the way Matt had looked at me downstairs, Nick’s stories about the four of us hanging out, and Chris’s strange joke that sent shocks through me. It was a lot to process, and I felt this strange pull toward Matt, like there was something more there than I could understand.

I could feel it in the way he looked at me. There was a history, something deeper between us that no one had explained yet. Why wasn’t he trying to fix things if we’d been close? What was holding him back? And why did I feel like something important was missing from the story?

As I reached Nick’s room, I pushed the thoughts away, telling myself that tomorrow would bring more answers. For now, I just needed sleep. I slipped into the room, closed the door behind me, and fell onto the bed, letting my body relax into the sheets.

But even as my eyes closed, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was right on the edge of something. Something big that I just couldn’t see yet.

a/n: we have 4 parts leftttttt (I think)

taglist : @muwapsturniolo @anitahunt @sturnfannn @jayde510 @chrissfavhoe @babyalliah-777 @v33angel l @urmom69lol @willowrites @ribread03 @2muchofaslvt @sturnsaver @sleepysturniolo @jcsturniolo11 @jessie-essie @hoeforchrizz @mynbbys @sturniolopanini @mattsturnxoxo @delicatechrry @t77te @sturnsyaper69 @hotdismylife @maggot3647 @ivysturnss @noplaceissafeanymore @mattssgf @yourfavsturniologirl @maethem0nth @sillyponygrl @mattyblover07 @imjusthereforthesturniolosmut @dominicfikeenthusiast @mattsfavbigtitties @ncm9696 @chrisstvrns @schlutt4matty @lvrsturniolo @chrissolos @ilusa @amelia-sturniolo3 @wonnieeluvvr @pussydestroyer100 @amexiass @mystinkylefttoe26 @lizzysmith110 @sturniololovebot @secret-sturniolo @freshythefishy @witchofthehour @stvrnlover @alizestvrnss @beachbabe000 @pinkdyit @pvssychicken @starkeyszn

[bobbyseyesmile]

Pride and Passion | 22

Chapter 22

A/N: short chapter, i apologize! still trying to get back on my feet but i finally have the energy for writing again :) Thank you for all the sweet get well wishes and the patience! hope you enjoy!

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You nervously bit on your thumbnail when you saw the big black van entering through Alexandria’s gates; it has only been five days since you last saw Negan but you were longing to see him again. Those few days felt like years even though you were still a bit mad at him.

You walked towards the van and raised your eyebrows in surprise when you saw Dwight and some of Negan’s men but not the leader himself.

“Hey.” Dwight gave you a quick smile but it disappeared when he noticed your confused expression. “You alright?”

“Sure.” You answered and put a hand on your hips in order to seem confident. “So, Negan’s not around?”

“You said a week. He gives you a week.” Dwight bit his tongue to keep himself from laughing when he saw your flustered face. “He always keeps his word, Y/N.”

“Y-yeah…” you sputtered. The disappointment was big but a warm feeling spread in your stomach because he actually listened to you. The feeling grew bigger when you walked around the vehicle and saw the full trunk. “What is this?”

“Wasn’t the alliance between Alexandria and The Sanctuary your idea? This is the stuff Negan gives you and because he already took a lot from this place, he doesn’t expect something in return for another few weeks. From now on there’s a trade system.” Dwight explained and gave you a box filled with medicine.

“Really?” you just couldn’t stop the smile spreading across your lips. A deep feeling of relieve washed over your body; Alexandria could collect new things and fill their almost emptied inventory once again. “Well… good.” You cleared your throat and raised one eyebrow “Tell him thanks.”

“He’ll be around in about two days, why not tell himself?” Dwight asked and you noticed the smirk on his lips while his eyes stayed cold.

“Yeah, whatever.” You shrugged your shoulders and turned around in order to inform your dad and the rest of the group that somewhat of easier times were around the corner.

Dwight watched you walk away when the rustling sound of the walkie talkie cut through the air and Negan’s low voice could be heard. “D?”

He grabbed the device and pushed the button to answer. “I’m here boss. Y/N just left; you can talk freely.”

“Pff-“ Negan chuckled “Fucking course I can. Why wouldn’t I even if she’s around?”

Dwight rolled his eyes. You two were worse than teenagers who just fought and now wouldn’t acknowledge the other one till they made the first move.

“Yeah, you’re right, sorry boss. The delivery was warmly welcomed in case you were curious.”

“Uh-huh, whatever. Good.” The leader cleared his throat as well. “I’ll be with you in a few days, help them unload and make yourself at home, ya hear me?”

“Yes, Negan.” Dwight let go of the button and watched you in the distance talking to Rick. Exciting times were ahead for sure.

✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤✤

Two days later you tried hard to seem as calm and collected as possible not wanting to give in those stupid butterflies that raged in your stomach. Carl stood beside you on the porch while you were eyeing the gates; not to close, not to far off either. In case of an arriving vehicle, you could stroll there without appearing to be too enthusiastic. Perfect.

Your brother watched you with raised eyebrows and let out a small sigh. “If you continue to bite those nails there won’t be any left.”

You let go of the thumb between your teeth and felt your cheeks heating up. “Whatever.”

“Stop acting like you don’t care. You were in a bad mood the whole week, why not just be happy that you’ll see him soon?”

“Try to grow up Carl, then you’ll understand.” You answered and received an annoyed eyeroll.

“No thanks. You grown ups are all the same.”

“Oh yeah?” your lips curled into a small smile while patiently awaiting your younger brothers so-called wisdom.

“Yeah. You’re just old teenager; still stupid but closer to dying.” Carl gave you a cheeky grin and you punched his arm in return.

“You got a death wish you little brat?! Who are you calling old?” You huffed offended but still caught yourself laughing along with him when you heard your name being called.

“Y/N!” your father yelled and gave a quick wave with his hand to get your attention. “They’re here.”

You had to physically stop yourself from running towards the gates but your legs still made some fairly large strides and you arrived just in time when you saw the cars arrive.

Negan’s eyes were closed but he wasn’t sleeping; he tried to subtly scan the area when they drove through the gates of Alexandria loudly yawning and stretching before he exited the car.

“Ah, finally.” He whispered more to himself but couldn’t hide his excitement when he saw your face in the crowd. His lips almost automatically curved into a smile, showing his pearly whites when he saw your reddened cheeks as your eyes locked with each other.

You crossed our arms in front of your chest but stumbled forward when Carl gave you a soft push. It’s not like you could hug Negan in front of the other ones, the relationships was still fairly secret but everyone knew you were the only one that had him wrapped around your little finger and you could tell him things straight to his face without getting killed.

“A week.” You finally spoke and nodded your head. “You held your word and brought stuff.”

“That I did, sweet cheeks.” He answered and you narrowed your eyes in response. “So should we tell the good people of Alexandria about the new trade system you negotiated?”

You nodded but said: “Later. They already know the facts but I would like to tell them in detail in a meeting tonight. First, we have to talk abut some… things.”

You crossed your arms once again and slightly squeezed your boobs in the process. Negan’s eyes immediately fell on your exposed cleavage and he licked his lips.

“Oh darling, I couldn’t agree more.”

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[frost-queen]

Homesick to earth (Reader x Eleventh doctor)

Requested by: @multifanderisspooky, Forever tag: @missmelodramatic, @theletterhart, @alex--awesome--22​, @elllie-does-the-posts​, @floatlosers​, @merlieve​, @queen-of-books​, @glimmering-darling-dolly​, @denkisclown​, @wildieflower​, @meyocoko​, @bubblybrianna​, @justanothercoco​ @idkwhatmyusername,  @subjecta13-thefangirl, @harleyquinnswifeyfrfr, @aposthatisbored

“This is what sets our course.” – the doctor explained looking down at the panel. You hummed, finding it all still a bit complicated. – “This is the… well I actually don’t know what that is.” – he chuckled, looking briefly up to you. You pulled your shoulders up, clearly also not knowing. – “Well uhm…” – the doctor started letting his gaze go down again. – “These are the brakes.” – he pointed, hearing you hum once more. 

Your attention drifted upwards. Intrigued by the symbols and well… everything. It was all still very new to you. The whole traveling through time and space matter. If one asked you a day ago what you thought about time travel, you would have laughed in their face. Yet here you were proving it otherwise. Other planets, aliens,… it just felt like something from a bad sci-fi movie. Turns out it was all real. 

Also the whole inside is bigger then the outside, baffled you. How could anything work like that? What kind of voodoo magic possessed this TARDIS? The doctor noticed you stopped listening to his instructions. – “Y/n… Y/n.” – he said touching your arm.

You hummed loud, looking back down. A stunned expression on your face. The doctor gave you a cheeky smile. – “Do… do you want to give it a go?” – he suggested. – “Me?” – pointing at yourself. The doctor nodded. – “I…I’m not sure… I don’t want to do anything wrong…” – you rubbed your hands nervously together. – “Impossible! Here allow me to show you.” – he grabbed you by the hand, pulling it over the panel. 

You automatically moved along as he set you before him. – “One hand here.” – he said close to your ear. His hand taking yours as he guided it into the right place. – “And this one here.” – he moved your second hand in position. – “Now what?” – you asked frightened. You had never steered a time travel device. – “I’ll help you.” – he whispered, pressing his chest deeper onto your back. His palms over your hands. 

He slightly gave your hand a push, the handle going down. You gasped when a loud wheezing sound bounced off the walls. – “Steady.” – he told you. Hoping so much you’d do everything right, you were off. Slowly disappearing from earth. You could feel it. A homesickness the moment you knew you were off. In a way it felt wrong.

How can one be homesick after a days travel with the doctor. You should be thrilled. Excited for the opportunities of meeting new species. See new planets and have adventures. Then why did it leave such a twisted feeling inside of you? – “Just keep giving it the same amount of pressure you are giving it now Y/n.” – he spoke, slowly removing his hands from you. You panicked for a split second, having the controls completely to yourself. – “You are doing amazing Y/n.” – he complimented, admiring you from the side. 

He flipped some switches and pressed some buttons to ease your way. – “Look at you flying the TARDIS!” – he exclaimed happily. You grinned, finding it indeed a bit special. – “Okay doctor you can take over.” – you told him. You had enough for one go. The doctor jumped in, taking the controls over from you. Backing away, you held your own hands. You moved away from the panel, sitting down on a higher level. – “Where are we doctor?” – you asked curious. 

“Currently in space.” – he answered. His answer made it all real again. Space. How truly far from home you were. The doctor noticed you had fallen silent. Looking at you from afar, he tried to solve you like a puzzle. – “Everything alright Y/n?” – he asked.

You gave him a faint smile. – “I…I’m just tired…” – you told him, staring at your shoes. The doctor turned the handle in a circle way, putting a stop to the travels. The TARDIS floated somewhere in space, slowly turning as it had come to a stop. – “I think I am just going to lay down for a bit… if you don’t mind?” – you said, getting up. The doctor shaking his head. – “Should I wake you in a while?” – he suggested. You shrugged your shoulders. – “Maybe.” – you answered trying hard to not sound so vulnerable. You left for your room in the TARDIS. The doctor gaping worriedly at you. 

Something was amiss, he just couldn’t put his finger on it yet. He pressed his hands on the panel, taking a deep breath. Perhaps he shouldn’t have let you steer? He’s never done it with any other companion. Or it was a matter of something else? Had he been weird towards you? Too cheerful? He couldn’t help it that he got excited about things. About sharing his knowledge with others. Show a wider view of the world and those beyond. Maybe… just maybe he was overthinking it all.

You quickly found your way to the room. A simple room with little sense of home. Nothing made personal. As empty as a starless night sky. You set yourself on the bed, staring into the distance. Nothing but yourself and your thoughts to communicate. A tightness spreading in your chest. A knot tangling up in your throat. It became hard for you to swallow. The emotions nestling in your throat. A loud sob escaped your lips, making you grip tightly onto the matrass. 

The longer you stared into the cold, empty room, the harder it became for you to keep a grip on your emotions. A wave of homesickness washing over you. You slid down the bed on the ground, back against the matrass. Knees to your chest, you started to cower. Crying at the miss of your home. You never thought leaving earth would have such an emotional effect on you. Not thinking it was possible to miss something as your home planet. Rocking yourself, you sobbed loud. A cry for home.

The doctor took a deep breath. He finally set his mind to it. He was going to check up on you. He could walk blindly to the room set aside for you. – “Y/n?” – he said with a loud knock. Hearing muffled sounds, he pressed his ear against the door. His brows furrowed trying to distinguish what it was. – “Y/n? are… are you alright in there?” – he asked pressing his hand against the frame. He opened the door, eyes wide at the sight of you crying. – “Y/n!” – the doctor called out, hurrying inside. 

He fell to his knees in front of you, holding your arms. – “What happened? What is the matter? Did… did anything attack you? Is there something loose in the room?” – he fired question after question, looking frightened around. You shook your head roughly. Sniffing loud, you wiped your nose dry on your arm. – “It is silly.” – you said trying to stop crying, but you couldn’t turn the faucet off. – “It could never.” – he answered, placing his hands on your knees. You stared into his eyes, finding some comfort there. The doctor worried he might be the cause of it. – “I miss home…” – you cried out, letting your head fall into the folds of your arms. The doctor gasping silently.

Taking a deep breath, he dropped a caring hand on your head. Lifting it up, he patted your head twice. – “Are you homesick?” – he asked caringly. You nodded, lifting your head back up. – “And I feel so ashamed of it. Please doctor… I don’t want to hurt your feelings… but… I…I can’t hide it away…” – your lip trembled, seeing the softness in his expression. – “How would that hurt my feelings? Y/n there is nothing for you to be ashamed off. Missing home is perfectly normal. I miss my home too once in a while…” – he took a deep breath, composing his own nestling emotions. – “If you want, I can take you back home? I wouldn’t hold it against you. All of this can be a bit overwhelming; it is normal to wish it was back how it was.” – you wiped your cheeks dry with the back of your hand.

“No…I…I don’t want to go yet…” – you answered. The doctor curled up a tiny smile. – “Then how can I make it easier for you? What would you require to feel more at ease?” – he asked, holding his hands out to you. You took them, allowing him to help you back up. Looking around the room, one clear thought came to your mind. – “Make it feel homier?”- you suggested nervously. The doctor quirked his eyebrow up, taking a look for himself. He laughed at the blank walls. The plain room.

“I’ll do whatever I can to make the TARDIS feel like your home.” – he said moving his arms around you in an embrace. – “This is your home Y/n.” – he whispered, pressing you deeper into his hug. You hugged him back. – “Thank you… for not giving up on me.” – you answered. – “Never in a million years, Y/n.”

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[salti-thelatediagnosedautist]

The emotional whiplash of a late autism diagnosis.

When I first thought about reaching out for an autism diagnosis, I did not expect the emotional roller-coaster it put me through.

I had suspected I was autistic since 13 years old. I was self diagnosed since 18 years old. I’m now 22, meaning I had related to and thought about being autistic for close to a decade.

Basically, I thought I was really comfortable with the idea of being autistic. It felt right, it felt good to know what was “wrong” with me. Even whilst going through the assessment process I was ecstatic. I was so excited to finally be able to confidently say “I am autistic”. Or be able to explain away my oddities and struggles. To finally be able to prove why I struggle with certain things.

Even for a few days after my diagnosis, I was so happy. I finally had my answer. I was right all along, I am autistic.

Then, “oh shit. I’m autistic. I will be autistic, for my whole life...”.

Complete, joyful certainty, was followed by doubt, fear and shame.

I am going to be autistic for the *rest* of my existence. I am going to be disabled for the rest of my existence. I am going to struggle with my sensory issues, my social struggles, my difficulty with connection, my sense of feeling out of place...

... for the rest of my life.

It almost felt like a death sentence, despite having been so comfortable with the diagnosis before I got professionally assessed.

Realising that I was actually a medically, 100% authentic, autisitic meant that I had to face the fact that I would NEVER be neurotypical. I can NEVER be normal. This is who I am, forever.

Yes, there are treatments and therapies and meds, but this won’t just go away. Being diagnosed doesn’t make it go away. It makes you realise just how permanent it is.

So, for a few weeks after my diagnosis, I have been grieving. I know that sounds weird but the idea of who I was, am, and will be, has had to completely change for me.

I will never be able to overcome my autistic traits. I thought through self improvement and hard work I could overcome my social anxiety, food aversions, high sensitivity and social blindness. But I won’t. Not completely. I can manage my traits and work on lessening their effect, but autism will ALWAYS influence my life.

Another aspect of being diagnosed that was depressing to me was realising how much time I wasted trying to be neurotypical. I’m an autistic person who tends to mask... a lot. I even referred to myself in the past as a chronic people pleaser... during some points of my life I feel as though I completely lost my identity to masking. To trying to be something I wasn’t.

I’ve had to realise how much time I wasted trying to make myself normal. Years of my life. My entire highschool experience, entire jobs... wasted to the mask. (Masking is not necessarily bad I just personally took it too far).

The part that hurts the worst to me, is realising that I never had a chance. I thought if I masked enough I would pass as normal, be able to live a neurotypical life.

But I never had even a sliver of a chance at succeeding at being neurotypical. At being “normal”. All my efforts were basically for nothing.

I’m sure now that people have always been able to tell I was different, an oddity, perhaps just a bit “eccentric”. But little-me was always destined to fail.

I was always destined to run into major burn out. Masking 24/7 for literal years was guaranteed to destroy my mental health and ruin my identity, self confidence and self worth.

The other aspect I struggled to comes to terms with is how no-one noticed. Looking back at my childhood, I feel as though it is extremely obvious I was struggling. I had few friends, was very emotional, very withdrawn. But because I was doing well in school and could talk no one seemed to want to look further into me.

I know that my lack of a diagnosis was not from a lack of love from my parents. I know that logically. Yet I can’t help but feel betrayed. They didn’t notice such a pervasive and destructive disability (only destructive because of my lack of understanding at the time) in their own kid. I question if they cared, if they loved me. If any of my teachers even gave a shit about me.

But despite all this, I feel as though I am slowly coming to terms with what being autistic will mean for me, and for my life. Being able to identify as disabled has made self compassion so much easier for me already.

To finish off, I want to let you all know that this is my warning. Self diagnosis is a wonderful thing. But no matter how comfortable you feel with your self diagnosis, if you go to get a professional diagnosis please be prepared for a LOT of feelings. It’s a lot to process. Please be kind to yourself. <3