#and 2. bc im gonna be busy AF all day for the next few days

[rubiesintherough]

.

[fantasticcloudcreation]

Ok I know my last post was like "what if I relapse and lose 20lbs in the next 2 months" and my post before that was like "I'm so happy I grew out of my eating disorder and I'm still skinny and everything is great !!! "

Well , today's post is like , I love that I still have a thigh gap in random situations !!! like I just drank a whole bottle of wine by myself tonight and (would like some more honestly might open another bottle) im feeling the chaos of being a young inexperienced girl thinking about how to create my own money as an independent artist out in the world doing my own thing without a specific boss or company to work for etc like mostly freelance independent contractor starting my own small business and whatnot BUT at least my thigh gap is still just hanging out being present offering small comforts in the middle of this professional "emerging artist" chaos !!!! Like what a small but meaningful comfort to just be chillin in bed "trying to get some work done" and let my knees fall in against each other and there's still a nice lil gap there between my thighs... Like if I flex my thigh muscles it closes but like that's fine it's still there when I'm just chillin without any effort on my part. (If I lose another 10-20 lbs honestly it probably wouldn't close even if I tried to flex my thighs and that was one of my favorite things when I was at my LW was the way my thigh gap was unavoidable and things were constantly falling thru my lap lmfao , like honestly at this point it would probably be annoying to be that skinny /now that I'm working using tools every day like setting your phone/pencil etc on your lap idk it'd be annoying to fall thru all the time; and I don't think I could make it back to that anyway bc I don't want to lose the muscle I've gained but like ,,, 10 pounds ??? I can do that let's make it happen lol )

Anyway lmk if anyone relates to this / I miss the ed community even tho I've been trying to grow out of it like idk I'm 26 there's things to accomplish but I'm already out here relapsing on cigarettes and alcohol and other drugs I might as well embrace the thinspo relapse at this point 🙃

And like it's one thing to be a chubby teenager romanticizing anorexia / just wanting to be skinny for prom etc it's another thing to be like , a college senior who suddenly found the "willpower" to be a "successful anorexic" and you now have to Force yourself to eat food with carbs+protein so you don't pass out in sculpture class again (passing out with welding equipment is fucking scary AF omg) / can keep performing in your dance classes etc ,,, and then it's a Whole 'Nother Thing to be a full grown adult / out of school / out in the ~ real world ~ (briefly felt like I was over the whole thing) but then realizing "the art world" is just as chaotic and disordered as your college environment, it's 1000% ok if you're abusing Adderall and other drugs (except I don't have health insurance so I need an alternative to adderall = caffeine and ed behaviors,, oops, oh well ,,, ) -> -> what matters more, "success" or "wellness" ? ? The vibe is almost like, if you're not disordered are you even a real ""artist"" ?? It's like bro I'm gonna be 27 in a few months and I'm not interested in joining the 27 Club lol let me live with whatever wellness I can manage for myself haha. But also maybe I can lose another 10 lbs and be extra skinny 👀 20 is probably too much / I don't need to be under 100 I've done that I hit that goal I can let it go.......someone remind me when I get to 105 and I'm like "it's not enough!!" Girl it's enough let it go we've been there done that moving on. Lifting 50 lbs > being medically underweight.

Anyway. Long ass rant talking to myself. I'll probably go open a new bottle of wine and regret it in the morning. Main thing!!! I'm fucking free!!!!! I can do whatever I want!!!! I can get fucked up alone tonight/ already applied for a contractor job for next month / already have plans thru December and then feb-may next year, I'm honestly doing great, it's ok if I drink some alcohol and do some drugs . Like, yeah the "wellness" industry is a whole thing, but the "art world" is a whole separate beast - choose which one to focus on. Drugs and wellness don't really mix; drugs and art are kind of a package deal ? I love drugs let's keep doing drugs honestly. It's worked out so far !! (If youre reading this and you don't currently do drugs, pls pls don't feel like you need to do drugs in order to be a successful artist bc it's 100% not like that but also I've been doing drugs for 10 years + trying to stop bc I thought "professionally" it would be a good idea idk , just talking myself thru the fact that all the ~arts professionals~ I've met this summer also do drugs lmfao - not like they'd ever pressure you into it but more they wouldn't care if I do it or not)

Anyway, if you're still reading and you made it this far - life is weird. I'm gonna try to lose 10 pounds and get some more art gigs this season. Balance between wellness and indulgence and everything that comes with drugs vs helping friends find their healthy limits... It's a process we'll see how it goes. Thanks for reading ❤️ I love you always feel free to dm if you need advice ❤️

[germanyballartsandanimations]

🇧🇷💗likes, shares, shares to stories, saves and comments are high appreciated!!!💗🇧🇷 ...hello sussies A late brazil independence day drawing bcs i sure do love my schedule 🤡- im a bit proud of this one ngl i love how he turned out??;>&£&)£)*£]*(](*also i forgor he turned 200 oh my He was meant to have a bird but guess who lost the ability to draw animals 💀💀💀 good job ger hehe I wanna eat his face ngl my scrunkly You guys heard nothing sheeeeeesh one day im gonna look back at this and then spray myself with holy water or sumthin I WANNA SOB IN MY BED😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Happy 200 years anyways🎉🎉🎉... hopefully i can visit ur continent someday 😳😳😳 And yeah a drawing with both eyes open and apparently still looking fine when i flipped it. Rare ger moment? Sure it is- The draft drawn on sony sketch? And even rarer ger moment 🗿🗿🗿 I didnt know what to do for the background but it sure does look coof af for me ajahssbhkghskskh For the next few weeks i'll be busy for my EOYs so expect more ch tbh creatures 2 weeks later!!! Also send help bcs i havent drawn the central america nations bday thing at all 💔💔💔 but i did draw mexicussy and chilussy so stay tuned for next week!!! :DDD Hope yall enjoy this btw!!! Dont forget to give him a headpat for me 😩 Have a great day/morning/afternoon/evening/night ahead!!! 👯‍♂️ Tags: #countryhumans #countryhuman #countryhumansbrazil #countryhumanbrazil #brazilcountryhumans #brazilcountryhuman #countryhumansbrasil #countryhumanbrasil #brasilcountryhumans #brasilcountryhuman #countryhumansart #countryhumansartwork #countryhumansdrawing #countryhumansfanart #country #brazil #brasil #🇧🇷 (slay) #art #digitalart #drawing #fanart #artwork #medibang #medibangpaint #artistsoninstagram Supporting tags bcs... september: #countryhumansmexico #countryhumanschile #countryhumanmexico #countryhumanchile (at Felling Happy and Wonderful) https://www.instagram.com/p/CiUAQv7ptYP/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

[alo-piss-trancy]

SD/R2 OMO HEADCANONS (Pt1)

Decided it was probably time for me to post a list of my omo hcs for this game since I did the THH chars! Like with the other list, I'll be excluding a couple I have no interest in thinking of omo content of (in this case, Hiy/oko and Teru/teru). I'm breaking this one into multiple posts throughout the week as I compile my thoughts (I'll add a link to all of them on the fic masterlist page later so you can find them all) because I feel this is gonna be a lot longer than my THH post haha!

Here we go, the first 3 (or 4) chars! Please stop reading now if you don't want spoilers for the game bc there will be several!!!

~~~

Gun/dham:

* I firmly hc him as vegetarian (not vegan. He will consume byproducts like milk/cheese/eggs/etc, but only harvested himself or from small farms/sources that he has personally vetted/researched where he knows 100% that the creatures are treated ethically.)

* That's actually not omo-related besides milk oops but it relates to my next point, which is that for the most part he prefers Natural food/drink. Water, fruit or vegetable juices/smoothies, etc. He's not really used to strange 'Human' confections like soda or coffee, so the caffeine and diuretics hit him hard and fast and make it difficult for him to estimate how much time he has. It also makes him jittery/hyped as hell which Does Not Help.

* As long as he isn't screwed over by caffeine or a ton of drinks, he has a decently strong bladder and can hold for a long time. He has a lot of practice from hiding/waiting to help certain animals, laying trapped under sleeping cats/dogs, etc. And also avoiding public restrooms like the Plagues they are for most of the day...

* He's bladdershy AF and has been since early childhood. I saw he had signs drawn on the doors/curtain in his room during my playthrough (including the bathroom) and that is definitely his safezone. Can't go outside either bc 1. He's paranoid he'll be seen by other ppl and 2. That feels disrespectful to the nature deities despite the logic that animals do it all the time. He knows that's dumb and he hates himself for it.

* Sometimes I do like to ignore the bladdershy hc just for some variety. Even in that case tho he'd still be a bit of a diva about which public bathrooms he uses. If it's gross or weird he's gonna avoid it/complain/refuse to go even if bursting. He's stubborn af

* We all know he canonically goes commando. Therefore he is in extra danger because any leaks will go straight to his pants RIP Since he usually wears black it isn't that visable (as long as it's just a bit and not a full wetting), but if he ever has to wear smth else u know he's screwed c':

* He's not very vocal when desperate at all. Mostly strangled whines or grunts (only when alone or if so urgent he can't hide it), he's just so easily embarrassed that he can choke most sound.

* He can also hide his body language pretty well. He can manage to keep himself to rigid posture and the occasional shudder or fidget if needed. Only when he's beyond caught and about to wet will he resort to obvious grabs or dances in front of others.

* Even if he wet he wouldn't cry (I don't seem him crying much for anything tbh, barring extreme things like death). He's angry at himself and extremely ashamed. He would get red as a tomato, attempt to slink away and avoid any witnesses for several days. Could get snippy or hide in his shell all pitiful, depending on the person.

* When alone or sure he can't be caught, he'll fidget more once things are dire. Mostly his long-ass legs. Jiggling, crossing, bending at the knees or bouncing up and down, shuffling from foot-to-foot, everything. He doesn't really do much with his hands beyond a quick crotch-squeeze.

* He'd def let Haj/ime or So/nia dom tf out of him as far as making him hold/lose control, he's submissive and enjoys the challenging test of limits. However, I could also see him totally having a thing for 'marking' his partners during the times he doms.

So/nia:

* Lowkey has a bladder of steel tbh, tho you'd never expect it by looking at her. It takes a lot to get her desperate and even more for her to crack enough to show her needs to others.

* She had a lot of long lectures/lessons, meetings, social events, formal balls, etc. growing up, so she just got used to waiting a lot between breaks so as not to interrupt or be rude to her guests. This also makes her wicked good at remaining completely calm on the outside and keeping the quiver out of her tone even when she's absolutely dying.

* Even once people know her problem, she would NEVER grab herself or dance. Literally the most you'll get out of her is legs crossed at the ankles. For the most part the only sign of her desperation is the slight fullbody shivering where she has her muscles and posture strained. If you're very lucky she may wince or her voice will start shaking/get breathy (her breathing gets super fast and shallow when at her absolute limit. Like nearly hyperventilating fast).

* While not shy at all about asking/telling others where she's going, she was raised with manners. She refuses to interrupt while others are busy, and will wait until she feels the time is appropriate to but into convos or leave the room, even if that could take a long time. She will not skip out on a group task if she can help it bc she feels very strongly about doing her part and not coming off as a slacker (so group investigations/new island exploring/building for Us/ami in Island Mode are all LONG tasks she will force herself to stick out without complaint, even if she's about to wet herself).

* Despite being a princess, she definitely doesn't view anything as being 'beneath' her. If someone asks her to just go outside/in a sketchy place/strange receptacle, she'll do it without question as soon as they agree to glance away. In fact, sometimes it's actually a little thrilling.

* If she did wet herself she would certainly be embarrassed, maybe even teary-eyed depending on the situation/who was around. However, it certainly isn't the end of the world for her, and she would be able to brush it off fairly easily once she got cleaned up and had a chance to breathe. Could probably start making jokes about it by the next day, or just wait patiently for everyone to forget about it.

* Probably has a big piss kink (for others. She isn't much on doing holds herself, minus an occasional 'Damsel in Distress' type roleplay). And honestly just a big one for domming others (sometimes sweetly, sometimes cold/cruel like True Royalty). She looks cute but She Nasty (tm). Gun/dham and Haji/me (to a lesser extent, bc his smart-ass take-no-shit attitude makes him a bit of a brat sometimes lol) are her bitches.

M/ikan (I have to split hers in two bc I have polar opposite hcs) :

Non-Despair M/ikan -

* Is every bit as shy uwu ohnoooo~ as you'd imagine. Super blushy and fidgety and teary-eyed but never admits what's wrong even once it's obvious, to the point of potty-dancing in place (but she's Totally Fine she can hang in there and doesn't need to stop what she's doing)! You literally have to drag her away to the bathroom if u don't want her to have an accident. Would rather die than inconvenience anyone by telling them she has to go, will berate herself for the inconvenience when that backfires and she's made a mess of herself, 120% convinced everyone hates her and p much refuses any comfort bc she's so trapped in the spiral. Bawls her eyes out.

* If on a rare occasion she does work up the nerve to speak up and is denied, that's it. She will not dare ask again even if the person didn't realize how badly she had to go. Nope. Clearly her only option is to hold it until she can't anymore, or until she's alone and can run off by herself.

*Also she totally would whimper to herself in The Worst omo video star voice lmao "Oh noooo I'm leaking into my panties~, it's cOmIng OuTtttt~ uwu uwu uwu" (i'm not making fun of those istg but u know Exactly what 'sexy baby' voice I mean. That is Mi/kan. Don't be so fake bitch We Know u didn't fall spread eagle naturally)

* Says 'Potty' unironically. It's the only word she uses for the bathroom.

* Surprisingly not bladdershy at all. She's actually the opposite. Will go Anywhere (but will be embarrassed while doing it).

* She's used to holding a lot bc afraid to leave class/stuck helping patients for hours on end. However while she has a wicked high capacity and stays very hydrated, she has pretty shaky control. Leaks A LOT, be it in general or bc she gets startled/nervous. She's like a chihuahua lmao. She wears medical liners when on duty as a nurse or during school, but for general hangouts she forgoes them (totally bc she forgot and Not bc she wanted to show her wet panties off to strangers/peers when she falls again, that would be Slu/tty and Improper).

* Once held for ages and then ended up wetting herself just bc Hiy/oko told her to. It wasn't actually a request, just a one-off snippy comment that H forgot about like 10 min after she said it and walked away. When she found out Mi/kan took it seriously she absolutely lost it laughing for the next few days

*Her potty dances include lots of thighs rubbing together/hunching over, hands wandering dangerously close only to pause and grip her skirt/dress hem, hopping from leg to leg and shaking at the knees. She's pitiful when desperate and very cute. Pants and whimpers near constantly, nibbles at her knuckles to try and muffle it.

* Knows when she's at risk of actual damage from holding, but it's still a 50/50 shot of whether she'll break down and go or keep trying to hold. She knows it's unwise, but due to her complete lack of self worth she doesn't really care if her own body is damaged.

* That said, she monitors everyone else very closely and will harass them firmly to take breaks if they're at risk.

Despair/True Mik/an -

* MASSIVE PISS KI/NK. Loves to be dommed/told to hold until she wets. LOVES to do the same to others and tell them all the mean things for a change. She will borderline Break You.

* Takes great satisfaction in watching others struggle. If given an opportunity to make others desperate/prevent them from getting to a bathroom without revealing herself, she will definitely take it. She has no sympathy.

* The Queen of lacing things with diuretics, but can also often find that boring/too easy. A bit disdainful of that method tbh.

* Tying ppl down to hold or hooking them to IVs and 'misplacing' the call button is more her style.

* Used to hold for Jun/ko a lot to appease her. Would be willing to hold for Na/gito, but tbh he's just as willing to hold for her so it's a bit of a stalemate and they've yet to work out who does what.

* Will piss on her victim/lover while staring them directly in the eyes. Does not flinch. She toes the line between sexy and just plain creepy lol

[juunshua]

Things are going well - thanks for asking! Movement refers to the individual muscles and bones used in the process of dancing whereas the final product is the look at the end; is my arm the same height as the person next to me, does the group formation look proportional, etc. I wouldn't say Hoshi or Vernon are the best dancers but they have great control over their bodies (the movement) and seungkwan probably picked up on that attention to detail to a certain degree. Like you I was drawn to (1/)

svt because their choreo allowed me to engage with the music different than how I usually do with that with other groups. I'm multifandom af but svt holds a special place in my brain, hence all the mentioned groups lol. I guess I've been into kpop for a while but that interest has been in waves. In my younger days I was really into keeping up with groups but now I check them out whenever someone, usually a dancer, or music catches my attention. (2/)It's a matter of random sampling; after a while companies are bound to attract a kid with experience in something beyond typical idol expectations. It's like singing: habits die hard especially those learned when young. I'm not sure of they kept up with the (3/)It's like singing in that aspect: old habits die hard. Fei and Victoria for example rarely moved their torso because in traditional Chinese dance the expression and artistry comes from the arms and legs but in a hip hop dominated field constricting those muscles makes them seem stiff and uncordinated. Same goes for anyone who learned ballet. Another example of this is Yuju from gfriend. While her arms are fine, she has a stiff lower body probably due to having learned figure skating (4/)Where the ankles knees and pelvis has to be stiff for the jumps. But when compared to the other girls in gfriend, something looks off about her dancing even when the overall picture looks right. Fun fact: stephanie danced for the LA ballet a few years back. Her approach to dancing is creative and strong even for a former idol. considering that both jyp and lsm actively performed throughout the 90s, I'm not suprised the companies are big on injury pervention. That's not always the case (6/)Because quite a few of their idols have been injured on the job. Yuri only recently got surgery for her ankle even though it's been an issue for a couple of years now. Choreo for TT had to be modified to accommodate jihyo's knee towards the last legs of promotions. Mark's spine is in terrible condition from all the jumps he had to do for girlsx3. Jype and sme stress technique more than other companies do but that is a low bar. No one knows what ** is doing. Either name is fine love (7)

im replying super late again laskdjf i feel so bad :( i think i’ll call you technique anon! bc our conversations werent limited to dance :) 

ooh thank you for the clarification between the two! and yeah svt in general has engaged me musically in many ways that no other group really has done i always wondered if musicians felt somewhat similar about them. ahaha i used to be wayyy more multifandom back in the day but over the years its really significantly dwindled and alskdjf im the same! like when i was younger id look for new debuts and everything and make sure i checked out their debut song to see if i wanted to get into that group or not but now its way different there are so many groups first of all that debut, and as life happens i kinda got more busy so that also shifted how i approached kpop in general. also i think getting into svt for me personally was a big turning point in my kpop life too ahaha like i said before, theyve engaged me musically in ways no other group has done, but also in many other ways. i dont think ive ever been this mentally invested in a group in my life, like not even for my ult group(s) so that just naturally also takes more time up in life. its so interesting what a trained eye can catch!!! laksjdf ngl yuju was probably one of my more favorite dancers in gfriend (maybe im being biased since shes...well...my bias) i dont think i ever noticed something off about her? like in the overall picture! do you have examples? but i can see how her lower body was stiffer. i know nothing about dance and different companies, but is the LA ballet a prestigious place to be? i had no idea that she was a former kpop idol oh my. def props to her for keeping up with the demands of a dancer while still being a kpop idol though. at least when it comes to the voice, many vocalists can get ‘weaker’ (for lack of a better word) after debut, they tend to abandon technique in favor of i guess pleasing the ear or going with a certain image for the group/songs theyre approaching. is there something similar with dancers? seeing how many of them aren’t necessarily trained in hip hop styled dances? you did mention yuju and fei/victoria though i suppose it is similar. :O why did i never know about yuris ankle? :( oh my I DIDNT KNOW JIHYO got injured towards the end of TT promotions? but thats good the company adjusted the dance to accommodate for her knee but i looked it up and it seems that they just made her/twice stand in places where they/she usually sat? i feel like thats a common pattern ive seen in choreo changes for groups when a member injures something (like daniel during energetic promtions). did jihyo injure while dancing though or? omg did mark really? is there a way to prevent all this though like didnt hao also injure himself because of what he had to do for the dwc choreo (or were those just rumors bc he still does that flip)? its always just so confusing to me how, when theres all these things out there if you just take two seconds out of your life and research (which is what id assume any good ceo would do) like why is the pop world so against it. like its not just kpop, just popular music in general seems to be driven by not tending to spend much time on just knowing the proper ways to do things. its not a big huge secret that people are keeping to themselves like information is there and esp in this world of the internet, its even to an extent free? and its so sad bc we see things like jyp swearing on the ‘half breath half sound’ method because thats what he learned in the states(?) or whatever like? ??? but i guess, it also makes sense bc in a sense i suppose being popular has a lifespan? maybe people arent as heavily invested in things that could make their artists run for a longer time, because that might not be something they want? like god the 7 year curse for kidols is too real. like if ur just gonna devote only 7 years of ur life, which is obviously a significant portion of one’s life just not the companies voice, then why would they care if you can survive past that? or smth idk what im saying at this point ahaha. but at least sm and jyp are doing /something/ i guess? and i wonder why jyp is like that for dance but not vocals hmm, even if it is a low bar. 

[sunnysidewrites]

Opposite Dog Hybrid!Mingyu

Requested by anon: Helooo Mom™ can I have a fluffy Hybrid! Mingyu Or Jeonghan Au? 😊 thank you 💘💖✨💫🌈💘💝💫✨💗💖 

aaa here it is my love emoji anon!!!! i tried to make it super fluffy i think im gonna die from this sweetness!!! 

warnings: fluff that makes u wanna dIE AND MURDER MINGYU BUT ALSO SQUISH HIS FACE

You recently moved in your new apartment for the first time ever since graduating college

You were able to pick up some temporary jobs that would barely be enough to make a living but hey you wanted the freedom and you wanted to prove yourself to your parents

As you were carrying your boxes to the third floor, you were about to colLAPSE BC SO MANY STAIRS YOU WISH YOU DID BETTER IN PE

After you finally finished carrying all of your stuff you thought maybe i should show some hospitality and introduce myself to the neighbors!!

But you’re also a cat hybrid and you’re like um well do i really have to tho i’d rather just sLEEP MY ARMS ARE GONNA FALL OFF

But you’re determined to do something adult!!! You are now living alone and have jobs and bills to pay!!!!

So you gathered all of your willpower and got out some of your homemade bomb af cookies before heading to your next door neighbor

You were like ok chill all you’re doing is saying your name and giving them some cookies nO bIgGiE!!!

Shortly after you knocked you heard a “coming!” and some feet shuffle shuffle

The door swung open and yOU WERE GONNA ACTUALLY MELT RIGHT THEN AND THERE

A tall, dark boy sporting a casual button up and dark jeans was looking back at you like hello

Hello handsome

You noticed his droopy cute little ears on the top of his head that blended in with his caramel hair and a tail hiding behind his legs

“Hi there!” and he showed you hiS CUTE CANINES IM GONNA DIEFUDKDLFDLJLFJD

And you were lowkey staring at him bc who is this magnificent being

“H-hi!! I’m y/n your next door neighbor i just moved here like rn ahahaha” *cue nervous high pitched laughter*

“Oh cool!!! Welcome!! :DDDD I’m Mingyu!11!!1” and he points to your bag of cookies like are those for me

You suddenly remember why you came and you’re like oH RIgHt yes here u go i baked some cookies hehehe i hope you like them!!!!! and me

And hE’S KINDA MELTING BC YOU LOOK SO ADORABLE WITH YOUR TAIL SHYLY SWINGING BACK AND FORTH AND YOUR EARS ARE TWITCHING OMG SO CUTE SO CUTE

you practically shove them in his arms and disappear in your apartment

“What a funny girl” he shakes his head laughing, looking at your door close before closing his own

A few days later you’re in the middle of rearranging your place when you suddenly get a knock on your door

“M-mingyu?!”

He’s all smiles and greets you im gonna actually melt i love mingyu appreciate him

“Hi y/n!! I was wondering if you needed some help rearranging?? I feel kinda bad since im right next door but i didnt do anything to help you….”

And you’re like omg. How pure is he.

And you’re like o H! !! ! ofc you can help if you want to!!! So you step aside and let him in

He’s like uh did a tornado hit here um

And you’re like pLS I KNOW IT’S MESSY BUT THERE’S A LOT OF STUFF

He helps put away your kitchen stuff its a sign hubby material

And you’re in the living room rearranging furniture and whatnot

Two hours pass and you both are in desperate need of a break so you’re like ok i kinda want 2 sleep

Mingyu is insistent that you guys grab some Real Food for a lunch break and you’re like but,,,,, my bed,,,,,,,,,

“y/n it’s past one and we haven’t eaten anything cMON WE’RE LEAVING NOW”

“mingyu no i am tired!! we are staying her -- oH MY GOD PUT ME DOWN!!!”

“NO CAN DO MISS” he laughs as he runs out the door gdi mingyu why do you have to be such a fast dog hybrid

He decides to take you out to eat at a cute little lowkey restaurant

He orders a five course meal and you’re like,,,, can u pls order fish thx

“We came all the way here and you wanna eat fish???”

“yOU DRAGGED ME HERE THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS GET ME FISH >:((“

And he’s trying not to burst into laughter by how pouty you are and how your ears keep going up and down you’re so smol and cute

“Ok fine,,,,, lunch is on me only for u kitten ;)))))”

AAAAAAAAAAAAA

Fuck u mingyu who tf aSKED

How is it this hot in the fall

You awkwardly clear your throat and look away

Once the food arrives you’re like omg yAY FISH!!! And you’re happily chomping on your lil meal

Meanwhile gyu is inhaling that piece of steak and finishes 2 other plates in 5 minutes

You’re just like oh,,,, kay,,,,,

And he’s looking at you with such a playful grin and he giggles mINGYU PLS STOP

And you’re just like o k a y if you wanna play that game mingyu you can’t be mad at him anymore rip

After your meal you’re walking back to your apartment and he’s all giddy and hyper and swings his arm over your shoulders

plS!!! HAVE MERCY!!!

And you’re sO flustered that you just stiffen up so hard and you try to walk normally but he’s practically pushing your body towards his body heat is gr8

And he’s just all showing his canines and :DDD i think im blind

He’s so overly friendly and caring and you’re like :(((( this lil tol puppy doesn’t deserve my quiet nature!!!!

A few weeks pass and mingyu has taken the time out of his day to regularly visit your place and help you out with anything else involving moving and getting adjusted how cute!!!

You’re always telling him he doesn’t need to do ANY of this but ofc his heart of gold is just like what are u talking about y/n i want to!!!

Sometimes he thinks you’re gonna overwork yourself into unpacking way too many things for a day and he declares he’s gonna make you relax while he cooks hUSBAND MATERIAL!!!

“miNGYU PLS HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS”

“STOP IT I DO WHAT I WANT”

And he digs through your fridge and manages to cook a decent meal with the very few ingredients you bought for the time being

He’s in the middle of mixing when you approach him bc you feel bad for not helping him so you ask him what you can do

“Sit down y/n i’ll take care of this!!”

“No pls let me help this is my apartment gyu mY rUlEs!!!”

“Fine you can start chopping up those veggies”

You grab a cutting board and a knife and start slicing

He sees you struggle and he’s giggling at the cute sight of you

He practically bounces over to where you are gdi i love dog mingyu

AND THEN THIS LIL PUPPY DOES THE CLICHE WHERE HE WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND YOURS TO SHOW YOU HOW TO PROPERLY SLICE OFHDLDSFSF

“Hehe you’re so cute y/n these slices are way too thick here this is how you should do it”

aND YOU’RE BLUSHING SO MUCH HIS FACE IS ONLY CENTIMETERS AWAY FROM YOURS

“Ah..haha….. Thank you” you manage to stutter out

He slightly turns his head to gaze at you so fONDLY AND HE’S SMILING SO SOFTLY MY HE A RT

You’re both looking at each other really,,,,, intently,,,,,,,,

Without realizing you’re both leaning in… the space slowly closing,,,,,,,,,,

tHE TEA KETTLE THEN WHISTLES WHAT A COCKBLOCKER

You both jump back in embarrassment and he hurriedly turns around to switch off the stove

You’re too busy looking anywhere but him to notice that once he switched it off he immediately turns back to you

He takes your face in both hands and presses his lips to yours aND IM NOT STABLE

And you’re like hO L Y,,,, WHAT,, WHAT IS HAPPENING

You’re melting in his arms and have to clutch onto his shirt to not have your knees buckle underneath you

His kiss is passionate yet playful, very much like his personality

The kiss leaves you both breathless and you’re like,,,,,,,,, omg did this just happen

You kissed a dog hybrid what is this you’re supposed 2 like cats!!11!1 your own!!11!1!

And you seriously liked it

“Why,,,, why did you do that?” you looked in his eyes and asked even though you already knew the answer

He only smiles

“Didn’t I say I do what I want?”

[ts-seychelles]

EP. 9 - “Call Me A Spoon Cause I Really Tried To Stir The Pot” - AUGUSTO

Ruben went home...... expected? He was inactive af. He was definitely a closer ally of mine, and it sucks that he went down the way he did, but there was really nothing else that was going to be done to save him. There was a half attempted effort right before tribal, but also people didn't wanna do it bc he was throwing his closest people under the bus, which was bizarre to me. It was just a bad move ANYWHOM. I was busy last round until tribal essentially, and just didn't have time to do my confessional where I just go and RANK how much I trust everyone lol god speed Tier 1: Top Trust 1. Augusto - He is obviously my #1. He has been giving me some antsy responses lately, and he didn't immediately tell me about the Regan idol thing and STILL didn't tell me about the OG Malabar alliance that was made that includes Nicole, but it's fine because we've got each other as our number ones, and I genuinely don't think he has that kinda relationship with anyone else, and I'm fairly certain Augusto would never vote me out. 2. Dan - Honestly the difference between 2 and 3 are splitting hairs, but Dan seems like he is going to be the most beneficial to my game in the long run. He is definitely a more well versed player than #3, and I know that he is going to tell me most things. The way I found out Augusto was keeping things from me, was from Dan, and I know that my relationship with Dan is good, we've been to finals together, and he has told me on more than a few occasions that he trusts me the most in the game, which is normally a pretty good sign. 3. Crooks - Gosh I love Alex so much. I am so happy he got to return to the game, and I'm happy he just gets to play this merge the way he wants to. I do know he's a little socially awkward, he makes some questionable game moves, and honestly hasn't made it the FARTHEST in games recently, but I do think that Alex wouldn't turn his back on me if I showed him the utmost loyalty that I could, which I'm going to try to do. My biggest challenge for the rest of the season is going to be convincing all three of these people that I am running all the way to the end of this game with them, and hopefully that'll keep me from being blindsided haha Tier 2: A Good Amount of Trust 4. Vilma - Vilma is a gem. Tbh I think she trusts me more than most people as well. I don't think I'm her top person, but I do think I'm really up there. Vilma told me about the idol, we had three alliances in common (one with Zach, power bottoms with Asya, and golden girls with Dan and Augusto), but I do actually think that Vilma is just a straight up, and loyal, player. The only problem is that I think everyone sees Vilma as that. I feel she's just a wild card in my book because she CAN do something, but my gut is telling me she's going to want to ride this out with me as long as she can, especially since I know about her idol and normally people don't fuck with people who know they have the idol Tier 3: The Average Tier 5. Asya - Y'know......... idk. We have the Power Bottoms alliance, she has been very straight up with me in PMs, and I feel that Asya wouldn't do this to me. There are too many factors in the game right now, where I feel I can at least trust that she wouldn't vote for me until the final 9, so that's that on that. 6. Ricky - Ricky also really seems to have a good connection and trust with me. The main reasons I've got Ricky here (and kinda Asya too), is because I just feel that they both aren't the MOST active, and are definitely relying on some of their earlier relationships, which is me, also they're worried about being under fire, and I think that they will be soon because both of these guys are being coupled together, but we've been on good terms on a tribe before, and honestly this entire game, but I'm just pessimistic about anyone wanting to actually work with me long term, so I get confused. Tier 4: These People Make me Feel Confused 7. Regan - Who would've thought there's a world where Regan wasn't last, but instead she was right in the middle of the pack. Tbh, with how this game has gone, Regan should be higher, but just because of our past, this is a safe place to be. Regan and I have gone AT IT in the past, and she is a very sporadic player, and truly could do anything at any time, and she can decide she doesn't want to work with me anymore. I have an alliance with her and Augusto, which is making me feel good about our working relationship, and with Augusto hopefully staying very tight, he can make sure that there's no funny business. I do know that if Regan plays an idol at an unexpected time, I should probably get a little worried, and follow suit afterwards to make sure that it isn't an idol play on me. She has actually seemed to have been playing a good game so far, and I've got some confidence that Regan is going to shake the world a little bit this game, and I'm kinda here for it. 8. Jared - So like? I know he's a slimy motherfucker and he trusts other people way more than he could ever trust me, but I like him a lot as a person and we have great talks. I made a deal with Jared and Nicole to not go after them, and I know they have relationships with lots of people, and lots of trio chats, and they probably have to keep up in all of them to seem like they don't have trios with EVERYONE, but it's just a mess. I think once Jared or Nicole goes, I'm going to be incredibly close to the one who ends up staying, but I just don't know whoever stays, I am going to try to forge an incredible relationship with. I don't mind whether it's Jared or Nicole that ends up staying, but I bet Jared going is probably better for my long term game just because he's such a bigger snake in the grass. Also I know he knows about Regan's idol, so that's something too, but my connection with Jared, in this given moment, is better than my relationship with Nicole 9. Nicole - I feel we haven't connected in awhile, which is worrisome to me because I know she plays hard. I know Nicole is threatening, and she is probably more threatening than I've even thought about her being ever. I didn't think Nicole was a big ticket player, but honey she is PLAYING. I just need a better relationship. I know her or Jared should be out of the game soon, and I kinda hope Nicole is the one that falls by the wayside because I almost trust that Jared might lean on me more. 10. Roxy - ROXY IM SORRY YOU'RE DOWN HERE BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T BE, but you are the biggest ORG tease I've ever ever played with. You make me feel so good in our relationships every game we've played together, but then you've taken me out of both of them (in one you attempted, but failed) without hesitation, and I don't trust you. I know we're good friends, and I honestly think that you trust me more than you trust most other people in this game, but I still don't want you here, and if the opportunity arises, I really do know I'm going to want you out, and vote for you at the first chance I can. At this point, I'm going to keep talking to you as if we're working together, but I'm not giving you any information...... i cant trust it. I hope I can see your intentions were good after this game, but genuinely, I don't know what to believe with the last two ORG experiences we've had together. Tier 5: Who? 11. Frankie - I'm almost certain you're going home next lol. Talk to people :)

Regan is so fucking annoying sometimes. Like she acts like she knows better than everyone else all the time. I care about her as a human, but don’t pass judgement on me when what I’m doing has literally no bearing on your life whatsoever. Stop acting holier than thou and go back to fucking Red Robin and get your 20% tips and continue to pass judgement on the people who might want to go out with their family for a nice meal, but not be able to tip a full 20%. If you don’t like it, don’t fucking work a job that pays $2 an hour. Jesus Christ. It’s Christmas so I’m gonna go back into my Baby Jesus lane and shut the fuck up, but Regan’s on my shit list now.

6:31 PM okay i want Jared AND Nicole out I'm so TIRED of this like they clearly dont trust me nicole hasnt spoken to me since merge jared made me PROMISE that I wouldn't go after him, presuming in his tone that he already didnt trust me i am not liking my position. I need to go back and remember which people i told that I wanted Roxy out over Ruben bc i think more people might want to work with roxy now (which i knew would happen) and i dont want it all getting back to her because i think she thinks im one of her closest Augusto just told me that jared proposed to roxy a voting block of roxy augusto jared nicole asya ricky which makes me think even MORE that nicole jared ricky roxy asya need to GO But tbh I trust Asya, and kinda Ricky I have a feeling that Ricky wouldn't vote for me if it came down to it i also feel im lowkey playing a horrible game lmfao thank you for coming to my christmas day confessional :)

(A LITTLE LATER)

sorry...... im still going My biggest problem is that this game has been moving lowkey slow, strategically speaking and time wise, and now we've gotta wait an extra day to boot up the game again, even though no one is doing anything at 10pm the night of christmas, but whatever, that's old news and fucking frankie is probably going to go this round and then we're just going to have to wait another few days for the BATTLE to ensue, but honestly, more people going that I'm not directly aligned with is good because I just need as many insurance policies as possible I very much want to play the merge in the most cutthroat way i've ever played. I want to make those game moves and I want to get that respect. Let's be honest....... everyone knows im a fucking snake, so it isn't like this is anything new to anyone. I'm keeping loyal to my top 3 (maybe top 4 @vilma) (jk loves vilma), and then im going to wreck everyone else, and there's going to be almost nothing that's going to stop me. I'm out for blood, and it's starting with upping my social game for the rest of the game I am done with school, and I am on vacation until (presumably) the end of this game, so if I just keep up my social game, and make this game my #1 priority, im going to be in an incredible spot, but right now, im feeling like I need 2-3 people to go home before I feel super secure. The REALLY good thing is that I still have my idol, and me and my UTMOST closest ally (augusto) know where all three of them are, which is HUGE for the program, so I've just gotta make sure that I can use all this information to my advantage. I've gotta start getting in some tighter blocks, and more importantly make myself more available to people like ricky and asya, who I feel I haven't done the BEST job with, but I know they're two of the socially weaker people in the tribe.................... im just getting nervous and i want this game to GO

https://youtu.be/vmqseVAWX98

wish i didnt have to go to tribal xoxo

Roxy keeps helping me with the bransteele comp and I forgot she thinks we're friends..... i know i don't trust her, but she's good for now roxy you just got back in my good graces :))))))

(A LITTLE LATER)

Hi it's johnny im currently breaking down jared went to frankie and told frankie that me/vilma/dan have a f3 and that Jared wanted to make a big move this round..................... frankie then told augusto and augusto told us thank god, but like fuck you jared honestly. it's just horse shit because there's no good reason for him to be going after me other than our past and I fucking hate when people do that, however, i'm just anxious because I know that Vilma is safe, and Dan and Jared were on OG malabar together, and I know they've previously gotten along, meaning that the only other option is me it's just fucking annoying because jared is honestly supposed to be a friend, and in my head, i was refusing to vote for him or nicole this round because i like them both as people, and figured that i'd do something about it later when it became obvious one of them had to go, and not me initiating it myself, but now at this point i dont know what I do know is that I'm fairly confident in quite a few people not saying my name this round, and those people being 100% alex augusto dan vilma roxy, and then im fairly confident regan has my side too. realistically this should be giving me numbers, but I know that there's a lot more that comes into play than that on top of that i do have an idol, and I didn't want to play it this early, but it looks like I may have to.. the only good thing is that i know about vilma's idol and i know abotu regan's idol bc they both told me about it, and i feel if either of them knew i was in trouble, they'd consider using it on me because they're both more loyal players than they are selfish perhaps? (maybe moreso vilma than regan lol) roxy made an alliance chat with vilma augusto and myself, and roxy wants to go for ricky, which honestly, if we pretended like we were going for jared and nicole, and flushed out a ghost island advantage that either of them may have (which we're almost certain nicole has one bc she lied horribly about her visit to ghost island, according to augusto), so at this point i really really dont know. I feel im sitting on a lot of information right now, but im a scared pussy and dont really know what to do with all of this stuff that i'm being told because im quietly trying to sit on it and let augusto do all of the good work in trying to swing frankie onto our side. god bless them not knowing im with augusto i just need augusto to continue playing double agent until it keeps me safe lol also fuck you jared

https://youtu.be/oFPDXhxHgDs forgot to send last night

Johnny is a little fucking scumbag isn't he? So I'm hearing tea from Jared that Johnny approached him this morning about me and Vilma trying to steer the vote towards Nicole. That's a damn fucking lie. I never once tried to steer the vote that way. I think that Johnny is getting a little big for his britches. I could totally be getting played by Nicole and Jared rn, but I don't know why they would lie about all of this. Unless they really are trying to blindside me? Idk wtf is happening, but I just want to beat my fucking placement.

https://youtu.be/LWdipgmXYSs

This is my host chat today and idc who is offended by the following messages: I HATE THIS GAME im so annoyed why is jared doing this like why I was trying to be NICE 2:37 PM im going to be the target this round literally fuck jared i hate him so fucking much why is he such a dick i need to write a confessional 2:45 PM k i confessed my hatred and feelings im just annoyed that this is how this is going down and I just KNEW that this shit would happen with jared the good thing is that he isnt aware of my relationships 3:08 PM I feel I have the most handle on this situation though lowkey 5:20 PM okay they're targeting dan im not worried anymore lol 5:33 PM dan is going to blow up the game please dont dan please he wants to expose the fact that we know the other side is planning something I know we have six people they're trying to get out dan and they're pinning dan/vilma/i as a trio they being jared and nicole, probably asya and ricky, but they don't really have brains augusto and roxy are playing the middle hard right now to make sure that nothing happens to me specifically, but if the vote stays on dan then im not going to be bothered about it, but honestly i dont want to lose a number, and I'd rather silently push than anything so idk im trying to think ive got a little over an hour to do something about it 6:00 PM gosh this is getting messy im not okay with it im trying to swing alex right now so we dont have to go to rock 6:15 PM LMAO HOW IS AUGUSTO IN THE MIX SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE THAT CAME FROM BECAUSE I DONT KNOW omg this is getting too messy 6:22 PM ill take 12th. let's have some fun I hate this game I hate this game I hate this game I hate this game I hate this game I hate this game I hate this game I hate this game If anyone including the hosts knows what's going on I will send you on a European vacation jared doesnt even know the whole story but i am talking to jared now we're like businessmen sitting at a table Ugh I hate Jared But I am playing nice like i actually love him im going at it with jared in a good way i want him back in mine and dan's good graces ugh vilma is a lowkey useless ally Alex is such a shitty socializer i just need to put that out there like there are things that should stay in your head and he's got a lot that he keeps putting on paper LMAO ALEX IS A LEAKY FAUCET HE SAID HE WANTS A F2 WITH ME BUT HUNNI LISTEN YOU DONT GO TELLING SOMEONE IMMEDIATELY WHAT I SAID AFTER I TOLD IT TO YOU im so mad because this is just dumb survivor gameplay on alex's part because ricky was so quick to tell people that alex told him this information lmao

(A LITTLE LATER)

can we talk about me being the king of exploiting every piece of information I found out today to someone with a big mouth, so this way it would get around and i wouldn't be targeted? wooooooooo

Alright so this round has been really hecking hectic. I found a clue to the idol and highkey I wanted to share it with Jared/Nicole but I needed to reaffirm my alliance with Asya and Ricky. And then we were FINALLY gonna blindside Dan. Then Frankie told Dan. Then Dan told Johnny. Then Johnny told me despite me already knowing all of this. Then he told me he wanted Ricky out. So I told Ricky. Ricky told Dan and Johnny. So Johnny knows I spilled the beans. That's fun. And now Frankie's going home for being a blabbermouth. That's what happens when you speak huh!

Okay so basically Things became messy And I don't know who's telling the truth Either Johnny or Jared+Nicole are bullshitting me and I don't know which It seems everyone's voting Frankie now Which I guess I'm fine with But I don't even know who I'm working with next round Because nobody includes me in anything All I know is I never told anyone I wanted to vote Nicole out and the person who spilled those rumors must get out of here, FAST I'm rather pissed I feel like I don't trust anyone Where are all my real allies? Oh I don't have those Everyone's so shady Can I get voted out even though I'm immune? I hate this I didn't sign up for THIS I don't think a single person is being straight with me So from now on I'm a free agent I'm back to square one

Ricky and I called for like a half hour and compared notes and honestly, Johnny has got to go, but not right now. If that’s a big miss steak, oh well, but I do think I’m gonna make it through this vote which is exciting. If I get fucking 12th again I’m gonna kermit I think. I can’t believe I trusted the straight fraternity brother. Ugh

ok soooo i might have an alliance of 6 lets hope it works and im not the second boot again after my return lmaoo

this is a fucking mess

wowowow these people make me sooooo MADDDDTTTT just do what i want!!!!

(A LITTLE LATER)

everyone is ignoring me except johnny and augusto and ik im being voted against like 11-1 and it feels gross lol i hate everyone here and im not voting for most of them at the end. there was like 2 people i didnt message and ig that means im "inactive" or some shit 

Oh SHIT I got so distracted by the messiness that I forgot to tell I accidentally won immunity AGAIN fuck my life I was trying to throw Vilma Hmm I'm trying to throw this challenge but at the same time look like I made at least some effort but suck I hope at least some people tried for real Pippa You make me laugh so hard Vilma IS THIS A JOKE I SWEAR I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER WIN WITH THAT Fuck I'm ruining all my chances at going deep with these immunities (cwl) I hope people realise my score was bad FUCK This is the thing, I didn't want to abstain because then it would look like I'm just lazy but I wanted them to think that I actually suck. Gosh I'm failing at life I guess I should just use these opportunities to build better relationships with people but everyone knows I'm horrible at that dnn congrats compbeast <3 Vilma SHUSH

SO ITS FRANKIE BUT I MIGHT GO HOME with an idol in my pocket

Call me spoon cause I really tried to stir the pot this tribal to no avail.

[cnisms]

ok wow... here are some v basic intros for beck, aja, veronika, bella, angel n natalya ! they won’t be super detailed bc... theres fricken 6 of them... some are longer, some are shorter, they are all ugly. but i do know my muses inside out so if u ever want me to expand on anything or fill in any gaps, just lmk. no stat pages for any of them yet, so i’ll list the basics in here. plotting ? yk what to do ! im me or just punch me in the face ! n ofc if theres specific plots u have in mind already just lmk bc as yall know... im always gonna snatch them up anyways (also ONCE AGAIN sorry for never replying to ims, i’m just a lot of foul moods these days n obviously it’s got nothin to do w yall so i wait... aka i get five minutes of peace a week... but i 100% always wanna plot n be friends !!! i WILL reply... eventually...) v brief mentions of miscarriage, drug addiction, neglect, murder n obviously death.

i lied i actually did start this ugli’s stats !! barely, but they’ll be here.

you will never met a bigger nerd than beck ever im tellin u now

had a nice childhood, parents are both scientists n lowkey hippies, v v v smart household. they were always more friendly than parental with him due to the fact that he’s always been (not super mature but) very intellectual.

grew up interested in everything. studied hard n fast. has graduated too many times. thought maybe the goal was to be a lecturer ? couldn’t pick on what tho. ended up staying to hang around his last university and instead tutors literally everyone in literally any subject. if ur muse is studying @ imperial college ? beck is their favourite tutor. srry it’s law !

just a nice guy ? unfortunately doesn’t have very many negative traits to him bc that’s just the way it worked out but he does talk a lot n has trouble effectively communicating anything he hasn’t studied so he may not always appear to be the nicest guy but ? he rlly is just a ugh jesse mccartney vc beautiful soul.

barely getting by bc how much can u charge uni students ? the answer is the minimum. he’s never been super materialistic or anything so it’s not a rude shock to him but his social life suffers (i mean he could find plenty to do himself but he is always rejecting invitations) due to lack of funds.

so boring.. so vanilla..

has to told be told to shut up or he will go for two days n yes it does hurt his feelings xx

megan ajala parekh (goes by aja), 22, cisfemale, panromantic, pansexual, listens to too much usher

was raised between the city n a farm a lil while out of town. had to deal w all of the divorce drama worse than either of her parents. they all cut each other off when she was 16 and she’s fake af making jokes abt it, acting like it was the best decision ever but she wasn’t prepared at all ? she was just couch surfing n surviving on birthday money from her grandparents n she was scared but v “no goin’ back now ig!” about the whole situation/

big mess ! also had no idea what she wanted to do but she was actually a huge flop education wise (no offense gf, me too) n ended up in a government programme n through that she just did whatever was recommended so she ended up in aged care n she loves it !

to be fair she loves everything tho so ? that’s not really sayin much. 

super excitable n ott. is always goin’ head first into everything.

as a result she’s also always exhausted n grumpy. one or the other. she can’t calm herself down n maintain a healthy lifestyle. it just doesn’t work.

lives in a disused hospital bc why not. she’s savin’ up for a nice van... to live in... that’s rlly where she sees herself.

except she’s not really saving up bc she’s the definition of headassery and is spending all her money on fast food and expensive sunglasses n hats that she will lose that same week.

i’m falling asleep but naomi scott is a goddess so whom cares 

veronika erikson, 40, cisfemale, biromantic, bisexual, old as mc’heck so she’s actually got a life for me to talk abt

born in denmark, was scouted at 16, lived between paris and new york after that, had massive success as a model. made money, set trends, still pops up in every other #goals pinterest board and #mood instagram tag. was an entire it girl back in the 90s but ! it was never fulfilling.

literally all she wanted ? her entire life ? was to be a mother ? nothing else ? modelling was a good way for her to make money bc realistically she wouldn’t have been happy doing anything that wasn’t raising her own children but she was never satisfied.

NEVER GOT HER BABIES ! despite marrying very young (she was v keen to start a family but she was also super in love) n immediately gettin into it and giving up her career at 23 to be at her prime health-wise, she had no success.��suffered a LOT. the fact that the problem could never be identified was obviously super frustrating n stressed her the frick out ? the miscarriages my dude... she’d been through it n would tell herself not to get her hopes up but it was obviously always worlds worst heartbreak every time.

grew to resent her husband bc tho she knew he wasn’t to blame, she needed to put it on someone. never adopted or looked at other options out of (irrational) fear that she’d have the same kind of feelings towards any children that she didn’t birth herself so ! shit didn’t get better. it literally started 10 yrs ago... and it the negative feelings changed in intensity over n over but they somehow managed to survive 10 years n only recently separated so ! she got rid of everything n moved to london for a fresh start where she now flips houses bc she can ig n it gives her smth to do !

honestly would make the best mother ? she’s aunt to the yates siblings (hey huns) and always did the most for her fricken mini-me imogen. beautiful vodka aunt who brings gifts and gushes about u n is here to gossip but is ready to go off on ur ass if u force her to. won’t go around babying people but... if u give her the chance... 

that... that’s her personality... ideal mom in every way.

separates her private n public life very well but doesn’t share her important thoughts or feelings at all. generally a nice but passive person. 

courtney love tweeting about riverdale vibes.

arabella gomfrey, 23, closeted pan princess (literally a princess (cici is shaking)), sofia coppola’s marie antoinette

the whole gomfrey situation will be developed eventually but for now here is this.

they may not be, but bella is a v affectionate person. is wedged firmly up her entire family’s ass. loves her parents n lets them n everyone else know. rlly thinks they’re right about absolutely everything. will agree to n do anything they say.

will do anything anyone says honestly ? as long as it doesn’t come in conflict with what her parents want for her ? tell her to walk off a building bc it’ll make her parents happy n she’ll sit there stressing and considering it for hours.

won’t think for herself but still manages to be a major fake. only tells u what you want to hear, excessively sweet, will not be the one to deliver bad news ever hell nope she’s paying someone to do that for her. 

v cliquey n judgemental. her inner circle is literally just other pretty rich girls. 

loves the whole situation she was born into n has no shame. milks it. does the most. will throw a tantrum when she doesn’t get what she wants. entitled brat !

idk how but she’s the most catholic person you’ll ever meet ? the pope is jealous.

models bc she knows can do whatever the hell she wants without trying ig. just likes the applause.

angela (angel) rosado, 24, panromantic, pansexual, loves girls, Is Beautiful .

yea rosado as in the resort aha... nbd ... was adopted by the rich old rosados when she was 10 n has lived the good life ever since but before that . it was p ugly.

she was literally left on her neighbour’s doorstep when her parents got evicted from their home when angel was 6 months old ? they took her in but ! they struggled ! so a year later when angel’s mother was pregnant again n sorted herself out for a min n came back to claim her so they could be a family or w/e, the people who had been caring for her were obviously like um we rlly should not trust this bich with a baby but we’re abt to be kicked out ourselves so ... they basically forced this image of angel n her mother n the next baby livin happily ever n let her go.

her mother had another girl n angel loved her even tho she was tiny herself... she was (and still is dw her sister is thriving still) crazy abt this baby. she rlly could not love her sister more. their mother wasn’t clean for long, but their father was much worse. when he died 2 yrs later, she quickly worsened too. she was ill n not fit to parent at all but the girls lived with it for 4 yrs before they were taken away. they were told their mother passed away a few months later but neither ever looked into it.

it did not get any better ? in foster care they were bullied ... so bad. they would sneak off everyday to avoid it n then they got in trouble from their carers for doin that like ig you can’t win ! so they were gonna split the sisters up n angel was so ,,, dependent on her lil sister (n got teased for this bc her sister was literally tuckin her in and singing her to sleep every night as if she was the baby) n was not feelin too good about the situation my dudes !

anyways they snuck off to the library soon after n ig hit up The Google for a solution ? n they accidentally ended up reading some story on wtvr gossip site abt these hotel tycoons adopting for the fifth time. angel’s sister.. literally found rosado resorts’ business email . ASKED THEM TO COME ADOPT HER N ANGEL TOGETHER N TAKE THEM AWAY TO LONDON...

n it worked ? luv a (kinda) happy ending

obviously becoming part of a big, rich, sober family in a different country was weird n difficult once the excitement wore off but they made it work. her sister fit in better than her n their parents saw that ? n they noticed she was p much living off of her sister entirely ... but they were v good abt it, they put a lot of time n effort n love into angel n she grew to be THE daddy’s girl of the bunch. like he was good w all of the kids but they always had their (jealous) memes abt angel being the favourite. everyone grew up n moved on, still all v supportive of eachother. angel ? still living near her parents, checkin’ in everyday, still getting everything she wants handed to her.

doesn’t even pretend she’s effectively dealt w the bad memories of her childhood, just straight up acts like she remembers nothing except for her sister singing her to sleep. remembers everything n struggles with it everyday but that’s her business apparently.

likes to let u know that she knows she’s better than u ? better than everyone ? except maybe her sister n her father. doesn’t even like her other siblings. loves them yea, but she doesn’t like them n always starts drama crying to her parents abt how they don’t like her either.

kinda just a real snob yk what i mean ? she’s lit abt her work and her like.. total of 2 friends but otherwise likes to act real unimpressed all the time. 

u would think w the shit she’s seen she would be an understanding person but nope if she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t see it.

her parents bought her .. a gym .. for her 20th bday n she opened a few more in the yrs following that and now has celebrities up on instagram posing in angelfit activewear, pretending to drink her protein shakes, u know the deal. she’s v proud of herself.

UM OK WOW its 8am i’ve been working (slowly) at this whole post for 6hrs now n i just forgot i was keeping these short but i can’t pick which details to remove so u know what ? this one stays meaty. thats it tho i think !

also peep her nameless sister in case anyones lookin for muse ideas in the future :P x

N FINALLY... natalya nikolayevna belyakova, natasha works, 27, demiromantic, demisexual, cute ! dont know if u noticed but she’s russian !

these muses just get more n more extreme as u go down the list o wow n still none of them get a coherent introduction. especially natasha bc ? ok so she was raised by dirty money but ... criminal organisations in moscow ... lets not even get into it. let’s say they were big in weaponry.

anyway ! it was just her, her brother n her father. v close. they were weird, everyone knew this. she had no friends, even when she was living out of home to study. her social life was literally whatever dangerous dinner parties her father invited her to n that was it.

it was never that deep (AKA IT WASNT GROSS LIKE EVERY1 MADE IT OUT TO BE) she's literally just shy n angery pup meme. she’s the pretentious smart girl in every story ever who is like “i hate ppl... books cant stab u in the back” like ok relax who asked NERD but she rlly could not escape her family so might as well love them !

um ig her father had her mother killed when natasha was abt 8 yrs old. apparently she was havin an affair. her brother spilled the beans to her yrs later when he was mad at their father. she wanted to be horrified for a second but thought it would change nothing so there was no point. she rlly stanned her father huh ?

he dead too now rip. while natalya was away studying, every1 in their home... her brother, father, everyone workin’ there ... all ... got killed n then the house was torched quick. she knew business had been gettin uglier but this ugly ? [ mari vc ] ruined her fricken LIFE.

one of her father’s creepy old friends eventually had to let her know what happened n how everyone saw it coming or whatever like ok thanks buddy ! natasha’s rlly sad obviously ? doesn’t last long. now ... she’s mad ! now... She’s pissed.

so she’s come to blame this gang that’s heavy in london. she REALLY drops outta school, comes on over, worms her way into their major rival gang n WAITS. she’s been here . for yrs now . and is yet to do . anything ... despite being obsessed with the idea of revenge. she’s playing the long game and making sure she’s getting all the details right bc she’s like Well this is a suicide mission might as well make it count ! its sad but -.- what are u gonna do ? (rival gang subplot coming soon btw whew!)

keeps her desire for actual bloody revenge to herself bc she doesnt wanna look like she’s gonna cause trouble for anyone when she DEFINITELY IS. she only acts angry enough to have her >.> allies >.> belieb that she’s loyal.

obviously committed . obviously she needs some milk .

not a fun person ? unless u tryna die also. but she’s very put together, v professional, cultivated, charming ig when she wants to be, unfortunately adorable, v organized, um what else ? nothin. that’s that. thanks !

THIS IS SO UGLY I CANT BELIEVE I EMBARRASS MYSELF LIKE THIS BUT U KNOW WHAT ! [ CHRIS TRAEGER VC ] LITERALLY ! A MEMEY INTRO POST IS BETTER THAN NO INTRO POST ! GOOD LUCK WITH UR LIVES ! LOVE U ALL !

[whizz-in-my-ass]

2 and 16 for the gay ask?

i just answered 2 in another post so i’ll answer 16 here!

16. who is an ex you regret?

oh gosh... gonna spill the whole big story to u guys lmao

so it started back in? i cant even remember if it was late october or early november? idk. i think it was november bc it was when my grindr bio was the pumpkin spice shit. but they messaged me on grindr off a blank account with a pic and i thought they were kinda cute so i messaged back

this was when i still had being trans in my bio. they told me they were a closeted trans woman (but later told me they were lying to form a connection with me).

now they were also clingy as hell. id take too long to reply because of class or i was taking a nap or w/e and id have so many fuckin texts and phone calls from them. i got fed up with this and was like “stop doing this if im not replying its bc im busy” and they got all passive aggressive about it. 

they made a big deal of saying their mom said they couldnt date anyone with a penis. they mentioned that they got expelled from school but refused to say why. 

now the day after the presidential election i was upset af bc 1. that thing got elected and 2. it was the day a prof deadnamed me and i stormed out of class

i think it was that monday we ended up spending the day together? and then we were getting lunch (which i had to pay for bc the fucker never wanted to pay for anything) and i was complaining abt this and they said they were a trump supporter 

suprisngly i tried to look past that

also during this time i was really fuckin stressed out bc i thought i wasnt gonna be able to pay for school the next semester. but this fucker kept trying to get me to buy them all these sex toys and chinese food and shit even tho i was having nightly panic attacks over not having money. 

anyways

how the breaking up itself actually happened was as follows

it was the day of the show i was assistant stage managing. i woke up feeling depressed so to conserve my energy i just kinda stayed in bed all day and didnt bother checking my phone or computer or anything. then they text me around the time im leaving to go to the show and ask why i didnt message them. i reply “why didnt you message me” all sarcastically and then this leads to a big huge argument bc apparently im selfish for being depressed and shit. they were eventually like “why dont u just break up with me” and i was like “fine”. that night after the show i ended up going to a gay club with some ppl from the show. they kept trying to message me through kik and snapchat. so i was petty and started snapchatting vids from the club to show i was ignoring them.

that monday they messaged me that they were crying in class bc of me and i said not to fuckin guilt trip me and they claimed they were “just venting”. then a few days later they messaged me saying they were gonna kill themselves bc of me and i replied that i was done dealing with them and blocked them

i regret it bc now i have such bad trust issues plus im having anxiety abt this upcoming school year bc they might be going to my school and might try to join the gay club.

[survivor-marianas-trench]

“Catherine” - EPISODE 3

Honestly I'm me believing Seamus when he tells me everyones voting for Shea and I end up putting some cocky ass confessional that looks absolutely dumb now because he didn't go. I'm. Just. Sad. I should've known better whew. Anyway I need a swap or something, like I need new people and ones that actually wanna form solid alliances because literally nothing is happening here and I'm too eager to just sit around...Anyway...Send help...And wish me luck.

my game consists of nothing but doing what amanda & kait tell me to do.. D: im sorry i'm a flop i've just been real busy....if i make it to merge i'll start playing then

My tribe is doing that. I survived our first tribal council, and got myself into a majority. I literally told everyone they're the only person I talk to lol I love people quitting like honestly my aesthetic is people leaving without me having to do anything. Who's next?!

So I went from winning two immunities to getting second to last! Ahaha at least I might not look like a threat! Right after rhea was announced as immune I went to working making sure I was safe I talked to rob, Amanda, rhea, kait and Emma to get Steven out! If all goes well I'll be safe and we can move on to the next challenge 

Honestly this Matilda thing isn't so bad. 1, I'm in Chicago so it's hard to participate depending on the challenge. 2, as long as the vote goes as planned this time having everyone vulnerable for the next ones allows my alliance to vote out who we want. Seamus should be going tonight which makes me sad because he is really cool and awesome to talk to. But because of the reactions from last vote it's the best move. Hopefully the game changers continue to dominate. But ya never know with this game. 

WHEW me getting out in the first round? I believe it. Relatable content. I'm so hungover and I don't have the patience to figure out the vote. I think it's Seamus, but I need to check in with people, but I'm also trying to not fucking vomit. 

Alright so I'm kinda sad I flopped in the challenge, both winning/losing it....And now no matter what we're all vulnerable next round thanks to the lovely Matilda so everything is just lovely. On the bright side Kait told me she found the idol so Queen! As of right now I think I'm in a good spot and as far as I know the vote is between Shea and Seamus. I really want Shea to go because I trust Seamus! Like he really got screwed over last vote and I'm shocked people handled that so poorly!? Like don't make people believe something's the vote when it's not!?!? I literally thought he knew about the split but then Lily told me she didn't tell him about it and just let him vote Shea like......Why would you do that...So now I'm a bit nervous about Lily but I think I can trust her for now. That's about it for now but I'm gonna try everything I can to make sure Seamus isn't caught in the crosshairs here.

so last round these mcfucking liars of tribemates told me they were all voting shea but then voted veronica and didnt tell me :/ so i kinda had to play catch up and guilt a few of them so they wouldnt target me this week. i believe again that sheais going home this week but im p sure im getting some votes

So it sounds like shea is going tonight? Which is cool with me because he hasn't been talking to me much recently. I wasn't sure about Seamus because of how the last vote went but it seems like Seamus and I are good. I just don't want any flippers going into a merge tbh. Haha. But honestly people will flip shit will go down and we just wanna go in with the best tribe possible. Also this Matilda thing? Might actually be okay if we have the same tribes tomorrow. I'm worried we will have a tribe swap and all of the tasi people won't be able to get immunity so we will all get voted out. I'm glad I don't have to do a challenge while I'm in Chicago tho so that's good. Hopefully everything works out and I don't get too much anxiety. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9MGnRX900w&feature=youtu.be

I think I orchestrated my first vote ever and it was amazing. I got out Sam, screw him, he's the worst and I bet he didn't care about the game. Now I want Steven gone, cause... who's Steven? He seems snealy too. I think I might go too, so I'm not cocky.

I hate everyone still. This tribe is boring AF. Rob goes and tells everyone last night about his plan to vote Steven this vote, which is fine by me bc I didn't even know there was a Steven on our tribe!!!!! However like Darian and Amandie (they will be referred to as that from here on out) came to me about it also after. So okay Rob I see you leaving me out until TODAY!!!' Freak. Anyways, I'm fine with him thinking he's some kind of kingpin for now til I decide I'm tired of doing what I'm told hehehe

So I won immunity!! https://media2.giphy.com/media/1ofR3QioNy264/200.webp#4 I can't believe I actually won an immunity! And so, here I am just like,  https://media4.giphy.com/media/qGmYKpdCVoXu0/200.webp#8 I don't like that Darian is calling all the shots! https://media.giphy.com/media/vouHgfse1v7cA/giphy.gif I want him to go soon, but I forsee him easily making the merge which scares me. 

I CAN FINALLY VOTE!!!!! London Tipton voice "YAY ME" *clap clap*

So I go to do the deep challenger thing and....they say get past level 4 on what's inside the box. I was like okay, but then I realize, I played this game literally yesterday for fun and I was like oh okay, and then I realize I chose some pussy shit lol

From what I can tell...The plan is to leave Kelsey out of the loop which is so stupid. I don't know why these people want to ostracize so many people from votes like they did it with Seamus last vote with no valid reason!?!? I know Kelsey felt sympathy for Shea last vote which is making people nervous so that makes a little bit more sense but like...I just don't feel comfortable leaving people out of the loop? Ugh. This is just too much. 

Okay so my confessionals have sucked and I'm sorry. Lily, Liana, Dan, and I are all in an alliance and we've decided who's getting voted out every round and this time we'e going for Shea. Last time he got wind that his name was being thrown out there even though it was the decoy name and he went OFF!! LIKE HE WAS CRAZY FREAKING OUT AT EVERYONE! And during the first vote he was throwing out EVERYONE'S name! He threw out mine, Christine's, and Carson's and those are just the ones that I heard about. Who knows who else he was saying. So his messy ass has got to go. I think we might be swapping soon and I don't want to get stuck with someone who's going to throw me under the bus the first second they get to save themselves. So I also got to go to that Challenger Deep thing. IT FUCKING SUCKED! I HATED IT! I picked level 25 because I think hey that's pretty deep and the deeper you go the harder the challenge but the bigger prize! TOO BAD THE PRIZES WAS A FUCKING PUNISHMENT! Now no one from my tribe can compete in the immunity challenge next time and I feel awful. If we stay in these tribes then it'll make it easier to just vote out Kelsey but if it's a swap we're all fucked because of it.

I....Might've caved and told Kelsey the plan. If this backfires.....I'm dead. I just felt so bad like Kelsey didn't deserve to be left out, you know? Don't let me down Kelsey, don't let me down.

Im just doing this so I dont get a strike

Girl. Hold my hair...this week was too much. Coming off of Veronica's elimination, I was feeling so good for Shea and I. It seemed like we have finally found some leverage in the competition and I was ready to run with it. However, when I checked in today and saw a severe lack of people wanting to talk strategy, I knew something was up. Winning immunity was amazing and I don't regret that for a second but I think it softened my reaction time a little bit. I think the biggest challenge for me in this game is actually pushing myself out there. I'm usually very confident in my facade of being a harmless player letting me be subtle in my moves but I don't think that's the case at all anymore. If you don't speak up, you're outspoken and...that showed this week. It's a deadly balance that you have to find and on the tribe this week, it just didn't work for me. Originally, Shea wanted to do Seamus but lil' ol me thought we could get out another person who's a threat such as Liana since Seamus still makes an effort to talk to me. When it came to the votes and convincing others...not many people wanted to strategize with me and that was a definite problem. The only people who kept it real with me- or shall I say person- was Catherine. (Host Note: Whom??) THAT is something I appreciate more than anything. I thought that Lily would but unfortunately she was "out" the whole day. Girl...get a grip. Catherine (???) would definitely be the only person I cling to in the competition IF we were still together but...we. Merged. DEAR JESUS AND LORD ABOVE, THANK THE HEAVENS!!! I know I'm not going to be able to win immunity, but at this point, I could care less. This is definitely something that came at just the right time. I was at the bottom of my tribe and I know a few people are still going to be coming after me, especially coming off of my immunity win. However, I'm giving this week everything that I've got. While I doubt more and more I was the real mastermind of eliminating Veronica, the reason why I was prominent in that elimination was because I was bold. Not aggressive, just bold. I think if I can harness that quality again, I can breakthrough another one. Tasi is OVER, darling. Liana is already fuming despite her attempts to cover it up. There are people from Tasi that I bet will never talk to me again now that we're merged. Everything I want, I've definitely got to work myself for. Basically, it's what I expected it to be being a new player; it's me working for myself now. Now's the part where veterans who know each other and people with connections outside of this game start linking back up. It's up to me to start really wedging myself in. I want to give people a reason to vote out anyone BUT me. And at this point, now that Shea's gone, I'm going Open Season on all of these hookers. Miracles are hard to do, but if I did it once, I can do it again. I REALLY want to show these people what I can do. I came to slash throats, save my family and wear ugg boots. And if I have to do it from scratch? Christina, bring me the axe; NAAAAAOOO!!!! Wish me luck! Sincerely, Canada's Self Proclaimed Favourite; Kelsey Mikaelson~!