#an appropriate amount of self-deprecation I think lol

[interstellarlyinlove]

“Summer is ending,” Remus says– sighs, really, as soon as he notices Sirius. He’s leaning against the Astronomy Tower’s railing, looking soft and incredibly sad, sounding as if what he’s holding up on his shoulders would give Atlas himself a run for his money.

“Summer has already ended, technically. When was September 23rd? A couple of days ago, right?” Sirius says, standing next to Remus and kissing his cheek. Sirius’ idea of comfort is someone sitting next to him, caressing his hair and kissing him softly. He hopes Remus feels a little comfort from those things as well.

“I’m really shitty company today. I’m sorry, I’ll probably calm down by tomorrow, though, so–”

“Oh, stop it,” Sirius says, kissing Remus to shut him up. “You’re my favorite person in all the world, I’m always happy being with you. No matter what.”

“I am sorry, though. This sucks. So bad. I’m whining. I’m sorry about–”

“No more sorry. And no more whining. Think about something else.”

Remus smiles sadly. It doesn’t reach his eyes at all. He’s smiling for Sirius’ sake and it’s breaking his heart. “Like what?”

“Like your hot boyfriend.”

“I’m always thinking about my hot boyfriend. Even during existential crises. Always on my mind.”

“He’s that hot?”

Remus whistles. “Like you wouldn’t believe.”

Sirius grins. He softens his smile and asks, “What’s on your mind, darling?”

“You,” Remus says, and his smile is a little less sad. “Truly, always.”

Sirius realizes suddenly that Remus deserves everything. “You’re always on my mind, too. Like, all the time. Like, even when I’m dreaming, I swear. Last night, I dreamt that we were sitting in the Slytherin common room and there were like seventeen Slytherin cats and–”

“What makes a cat a Slytherin cat?”

“And– all cats are Slytherin cats, Remus, they’re all mean and evil– but it was fine, they were mostly around you, and it was pretty cute, even though they’re tiny death machines with fur.”

Remus actually laughs, then, and his hair is all messy from the end-of-summer wind, and he’s perfect, and kind, and Sirius wishes he had all the power in the world to make sure he’s never ever sad. “I am a cat person. Sounds about right.”

“The biggest heartbreak of my life,” Sirius says. “You liking cats is truly my cross to bear.” 

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, darling. I love you enough to not pester you about what’s bothering you and let you change the subject as much as you want.”

Remus laughs. “This is you not pestering?”

“Oh, you don’t want to see me when I’m pestering. This is me gently gently guiding.”

“It truly is nothing.” Sirius must have looked at Remus a certain way because he clarifies, “Or, not nothing, but also not one specific thing, you know? It’s like a thousand tiny little things that are making it a little hard for me to breathe? But also, truly not a big deal.”

“How could anything making you feel like that not be a big deal?” Sirius asks softly, rubbing Remus’ forearm. “Do you know what the normal amount of displeasure you should feel on any given day?”

“Like, a 6.5 out of 10, maybe?”

“Like, none, actually.”

“Yeah?”

Sirius nods. “Yes, my love. It’s supposed to be so much fucking easier than that.”

Remus laughs. “If you say so.”

“If I say so.”

They don’t say anything for a while, just looking ahead and breathing together. It’s so calm and serene and it would’ve been Sirius’ idea of a perfect evening spent if he didn't know how shitty Remus was feeling.

After a few more minutes, Remus rests his head on Sirius’ shoulder and starts talking. “It’s just that sometimes I feel like I have to do so much more to get where everyone already is. Or, doing so much to get so little. Acceptable grades aren’t okay because being a mediocre werewolf is not going to get you anywhere, and I have to always be kind and considerate and never get angry or annoyed or irritated because most days I can’t really believe that I even have friends to begin with, so all those emotions make me feel like an asshole because not being alone is all I’ve ever wanted, really, and when the people I love most and am so grateful for get on my nerves I feel like I’m throwing all that away or spitting in everyone’s face, and– It just sucks so bad. All I want, Sirius, is to feel normal. I’m mostly okay with being a werewolf, truly, and it’s not something that’s constantly on my mind usually but it’s been all I’ve been able to think about for a couple of weeks and– Sirius, it’s actually making it difficult to breathe or enjoy things or just fucking exist.” Remus lets out a shaky breath. “Or maybe It’s just not summer anymore and that’s fucking with me a little bit.”

It takes everything in Sirius not to interrupt Remus 75 different times because he knows how difficult it is to put what you’re feeling into words, and he feels like Remus really really needed to get that off his chest. Remus’ eyes are glassy and a few tears fall down when he blinks and Sirius wishes he could go back in time and be the one that was bitten that stupid night. He wants to rip out Greyback’s heart and throw it in the place designated for all the rotten things of the world. Sirius touches Remus’ face and wipes under his now shut eyes.

“I don’t think you realize how much everyone fucking adores you, my love– and no, stop, you don’t get to interrupt me, okay?” Remus smiles, then sobs, and Siirus keeps talking. “Really, Remus, and I’m not just saying that. Do you know Regulus once told me you were his first crush? Lily, also. Peter never said it aloud but come on. My boyfriend makes everyone blush, how lucky am I?” Sirius rolls his eyes jokingly. “And, Remus, you’re making it sound like you owe people something for being your friends, and I guess we all should hold a certain amount of gratitude in our hearts for our friends but that definitely goes both ways, my love. People aren’t your friends because they feel bad for you or whatever is going on in your pretty brain. They’re your friends because they want to be, and you are so fucking lovely, Remus, you are my favorite person in all of the universe, and losing your temper or being annoyed or not being able to stand me sometimes is so understandable. Our friends, too. Not fighting with someone when you’re close is impossible. Do you remember when James and I didn’t speak to each other for seven weeks in fourth year? I can’t even remember why we were fighting but I remember that I truly believed I hated him with everything I had. But also, even during the heat of it, I knew I could never really hate him even if I wanted nothing else. You’re allowed to be angry, Remus. You’re allowed to lose your temper and fight and– that’s not a werewolf thing. That’s an everybody-on-fucking-earth thing.”

“You think?” Remus asks, and he’s still crying, and Sirius is incredibly sure Remus really doesn’t believe most of what Sirius said but he doesn’t mind. He has the rest of his life to make him change his mind.

“I think,” Sirius says. He snaps his fingers and a bottle of Firewhiskey appears on the Astronomy Tower ridge. “Do you want to drink with me?”

“Where’d you get that?” Remus asks, snatching it and unscrewing the lid. 

Sirius kisses the edge of Remus’ mouth. He’s no longer crying. They’ll talk more about this, definitely, and Sirius has so much more to say, but later. “Don’t ask that if you don’t really want to know. Sad looks stupidly good on you.”

Remus laughs mid Firewhiskey gulp. He coughs, and smiles, and he’ll be okay.   

[pacifymebby]

Hey girlie I’m once again back for advice. I’m trying to gauge what is an appropriate amount of interaction with my guy and it’s like so hard. I don’t want to annoy him or be overbearing. Cause like he’s obviously got a job and shit to do and a life outside of seeing me and talking to me. And considering we’ve only just started seeing each other I don’t want to be overly clingy. But also seeing as this is my first time I guess “dating” (idk what you would call it we haven’t called it anything yet) I’m like wow this is all so new and exciting and I’m feeling so small and needy :(. I feel so pathetic just waiting around for it to be the weekend again so I can see him again. How do you deal with feeling lonely or needy when you can’t see B? I just don’t know if I feel comfortable saying to him that I miss him or I miss kissing him or something. - age gap crush anon ❤️

Hey I'm sorry my replies have been a wee bit slow I've had work and been like overwhelmed by life haha. Also B left mine yesterday morning and I just got so depressed because (convenient for this ask) I missed him haha.

I think like, message back and forth and don't feel too weird about the occasional double message. And again just remember that all these new love giddy feelings you're getting, he's getting them too. Like men do experience the same dopamine rush that we do, they just don't express it the same way we do. Know that if you're missing him he's probably missing you too.

Something I noticed with B is that he didn't start to express his feelings of missing me until I admitted that I missed him and didn't like not getting to see him.

And like you can totally make a joke of it too, I make self deprecating "lol I'm sorry I'm so needy" jokes all the time haha.

Idk though, I wouldn't worry too much about coming across as overbearing or whatever, I think as well like, adults don't do the whole "I have to leave it an hour before I reply to them or they will think I'm too keen" thing, they just reply to eachother when they have time idk. Like I message B way more than he messages me, and I'll double and sometimes triple message all the time because I know he's not ignoring me, he's just been busy.

I don't feel like this is actually solid easy to follow advice so sorry about that, I kinda have to go off vibes when I'm sending him messages, and sometimes he will take like 24 hours to two days to reply to me, but like when he does I can tell he obvs doesn't think I'm being too needy or too much.

And omg unfortunately in terms of coping with missing him I don't even know, you may have noticed from my tumblr posts but when I don't get to see B for a few days I spiral hahaha.

No idk, I try to just motivate myself with focusing on when I'll next see him, or just finding tasks that I need to do to distract myself like writing. I watch pride and prejudice and lost in translation a lot bc they are my comfort films and they give me like that childish cuddly feeling.

Also me and B phone in the week between seeing eachother.

But for real, just distractions. Just work out what's best going to usefully occupy your mind and try to force yourself to be distracted. But also, like lean into the missing him and yearning becayse it's part of the joy of that beginning stsge tbh. Like let your mind wander and daydream about him, and remember the cute things he's said to you/done for you, like reimagine all the time u have spent together so far.

That's what I do, especially when I'm like, struggling to sleep without B.

Anyway I hope this helps and definitely just remember he's missing u too, he isn't going to think you're insane for missing him ❤️❤️

[tetrisfinished]

why do certain people think it's okay to act and behave the way that they do? why is the whole culture of south asia (pakistan/india) so okay with commenting on someone's physical person (weight/height/complexion)?

why is this normal when really if you think about it, it should not be allowed?

the more i think about it, the more i go back to a post i had seen this lady on ig post. her handle is @2030mama (on ig) and she's actually a journalist from/in pakistan. she's also an "influencer" i guess? or at the very least, she's got a significant following. can't comment on whether it's real or fake, because frankly i don't care :p

anyway, she posted a comment from one of her followers once where the follower thought that it was appropriate/okay to comment on her lipstick. the comment went something like "that lipstick colour makes you look bad, take it off" or something along those lines.

in my mind, this particular issue is twofold:

the fact that she is a "media personality" and her choices and lifestyle are on social media (by CHOICE) gives people (us/the audience) some sort of unspoken right to belittle her or to consider her our own personal friend/foe and speak to her as such behind the anonymity of the screen and her not knowing US

even if this wasn't the case, these sorts comments are very normal and commonplace in pakistan (as much as i have experienced anyway) where someone will come up to your face and just say these things.

i myself have had this experience many times - thing that's a go-to comment for me ALWAYS is about my weight. let's be real - i'm fat. and i know this. so of course, i always get comments relating to this.

and my response is to always just sort of digest it and move on. i'm lucky in the sense that in the part of the world i'm in at the moment, this is not AS commonplace so i don't have to hear these things on a daily basis and also (perhaps because of sheer lack of frequency) i am more or less able to forget these things and move on. or maybe not even forget (elephants never do, hahaha, self-deprecating joke where the conversation has become too vulnerable :p) but rather give myself the grace to not care - or else just accept this as truth and move on.

i mean technically speaking, if someone were to come up to me and say "you're fat" there would not really be any grounds on which i could be upset or hurt by this statement because it is the unfortunate but honest to goodness truth of the matter lol

BUT the point that i'm trying to make is...me digesting these comments and responding with nothing...is THAT the actual problem!? and i think yes, that is the actual problem! if i am hurt by something, i should have been taught from an early age that i need to ensure that i set my boundaries.

asking someone not to comment on my weight, whether said someone is a parent or an elder or anything else, should not be viewed as an incorrect communication or disrespect or sign of a rude attitude.

because it is not. why wouldn't you protect yourself from the thing which you fear or the thing which you are upset by?

why wouldn't you stand up and fend for yourself?

why have we been taught to listen and take it and listen and take it and listen and take it all with a smile?

the colonizers that colonized our land colonized us so well, that they don't even realize the amount of oppression they left behind. that we inflict upon ourselves to this day!

stand up for yourself. truly and honestly the fat comment does not bother me, so i'm inclined not to pick that battle. but everyone always makes it a point to comment on my skinny kid ("soooo kamzor") and that bothers me a LOT.

coming once from one person - sure whatever. coming consistently from the same set of people over and over and over again is something that i choose to stand up against.

one of the biggest culprits of this is my MiL. or i should say was my MiL. but i let her know once when i couldn't think about it long enough to stop myself (thank god!) that i do not like it when she calls esa "kamzor" (skinny/weak/fragile).

my baby may be lean, but he is healthy according to his growth charts, according to what i see him eat daily and according to how he is growing up active and happy. i refute this "kamzor" business and i would willingly challenge her to spend a whole day with him without giving him any sort of screen time distraction - and let's see who's kamzor between the two of them. my old MiL who's health is quickly escaping her, or my young fresh "kamzor" runner toddler.

in any case.

i did stand up to her. and i'm happy to say that she did stop saying it. at least to my face.

i guess the other thing you have to realize when you go out into the world to defend yourself or something that you hold precious is that...you may ask for what you want, but you're never going to be guaranteed it. and at some point you have to accept it and be okay with it because ULTIMATELY, at the end of the day, i can only control what i do. and that's it.

okay. i'm done my rambling.

much love,

-k

[piamii]

end of prac II reflections

at the moment, mainly, i feel nothing because i still have three long days of cfw ahead of me--but i know it’s going to catch up with me, and it’s gonna hit me hard with the feels and nostalgia after that, especially because m and i are going to seaside on sunday and trips are always times where i think and reflect. if i had to think of a word or two to describe my last training year, it would probably be engaged or invested. i’ve always been excessively detached from everything in my life until certain milestones--undergrad was when i started caring about my family, being in a relationship with m was when i started caring about my interpersonal relationships, and this training year was finally when i learned to give a shit about everyone around me, regardless of the setting. it’s hard to believe myself when i say that i LOVED this year, especially with how i complained and cried and sweated through every day. dear lord i felt bad for m at times with how much of a baby i was being. but what i enjoyed was that i grew the most this year out of all the years of my life. i look back at the things that scared me first year, second year, even earlier during third year, and they’re nothing to me now. not in a conceited way, just a reminder of how much i’ve conquered and how much every day of fighting and giving 100% paid off. i am so grateful to everyone at my prac II site who i saw working tirelessly day after day, yet were still so willing to give their time and guidance to the prac students. i don’t know what it is, but i’ve never gotten this feeling from anywhere else that i’ve been. it’s like there was a mutual acknowledgment between everyone working there that, yes, this work is hard, but we have each other’s backs. my supervisors and senior colleagues inspired me every day with how extensive their knowledge and how much they’ve persevered throughout their careers. i often thought to myself, if i’m suffering this much at this early stage of development, how much more burden do they have to shoulder in order to handle their even larger workload at their stage? despite how much they had to do (see way too many clients, supervise, take care of their kids), they were always monumentally kind to me. they never treated me like any of my questions were stupid and never acted like they were too busy to help me with my rudimentary questions. i was blown away by it. i know that i wouldn’t have made it through this training year without their kindness and support. it was the first time that i truly relied on the people around me, and they caught me when i fell. i’m used to being self-sufficient and keeping my head down but that wasn’t possible with the amount of difficulty this placement required. i’ve always had abysmal face-to-face communication skills due to spending a lot of my life alone and never really being pushed to speak up for myself, but this year i was inspired by my coworkers to overcome that difficulty. i still struggle a lot with it, but it’s so much easier now--only made possible through the endless repetition of mulling over every word i wanted to say, bringing up things in supervision, and relaying messages to clients. 

i can also happily say that i have, for now, defeated my insomnia. i had a lot of sleepless nights between january and may, and a few in june, but what really made me feel like i overcame it was that i gained the ability to cope with the fatigue and anger that came with not getting a good night of sleep. i accepted that i’m going to occasionally get poor sleep throughout the rest of my life (e.g., next year through my back to back days, or when i have kids lol) and that i’m gonna have to learn to prop myself up through it. it’s certainly not easy and it’s still a fight against myself whenever i get shitty sleep, but i’ve managed to find a few ways to not let it ruin the rest of my day. and i’ve found ways to have self-compassion so that if the day is harder to get through because of fatigue, i can reward myself or lessen my workload later on to recover.  yesterday, a few of my fellow prac students brought up at the beginning of the year that i had expressed at the beginning of the year that i’d probably be really quiet throughout the year. they complimented me on being open and “putting it out there.” i thought that was funny, because excessive self-disclosure is my main coping method with feeling overwhelmed and anxious and i’m just glad it worked well in that setting to just say it outright, LOL. most people just think i’m awkward or feel like they have to accommodate me at that point. i think having their supportive reactions to that initial self-disclosure was comforting to me, and allowed me to become more outspoken and engaged in the group. god i hated group supervision last year, because i didn’t know how to engage and insert myself appropriately, and i basically said nothing the entire year. but this year it was a combination of my own determination to overcome that and my groupmates being extremely warm and accepting of me that allowed me to become very involved. 

i also became a much better writer and gained a much better attention to detail due to my part time assessment placement which is not yet over, so i’ll probably have more comments on that later.

i know this is going to sound really corny, but haikyuu!! helped me through a really rough time emotionally in the winter. it was around then i felt like i had the least idea of how to help my clients but it was no longer the beginning so i should know what i’m doing, it was the first time that i had ever had two long days of back to back clients, insomnia season, and to add onto that it was cold as fuck all the time which messes with my digestion and mood. i feel really lame for saying this, but it was hinata’s, yamaguchi’s and tsukishima’s character development that propelled me forward and made me feel like i could slowly fight my way through and become just that tiny bit better every time despite sucking ass at what i did. (i’m also grateful that the families i saw were extremely nice and patient with me.) there were little bits of haikyuu characters’ development that i identified with closely and felt realistic to me, despite being an anime. furudate is truly a genius when it comes to character development and he makes it so believable despite having such a varied cast. it was then that i was convinced that i would never become better at anything unless i fought for it, and it was also then that i realized that i had never truly fought for anything in my life. everything that i was good at had been handed to me by my circumstances and i had never toiled to make something out of it or to help others with it. it was only because of my socioeconomic circumstances that i was allowed to enter such a profession that brought out the best of my abilities in the first place. i was so, so, lucky to be where i was, and so lucky to have realized how much time i had squandered.

it was also this year that i realized that i had no idea how to be a friend. sure, i had my tricks for getting by and appearing friendly and engaging, but i’ve never been able to keep friends and i never particularly cared. i always accepted this as “the way it is” until prac started getting really hard and i quit TERA. TERA had been my crutch and stopgap for a good while, making me feel like i had meaningful relationships without having to try particularly hard at them. don’t get me wrong, i made a few really good friends from TERA that i still have to this day, but i’m talking more about the massive amounts of people that you interact with that you don’t end up keeping in touch with. i had always used TERA to try to achieve my personal goals and to not feel alone, never thinking about who i wanted to invest in to shape the rest of my life. i’m lucky that i had friends that were willing to put up with that and stick with me to this point. i think it was around november 2016 that i finally couldn’t sustain being on TERA anymore because i was just too exhausted and busy. my training days were starting to span 10-12 hours without factoring in commuting and i always felt depressed when i got home. i didn’t want to deal with people that weren’t going to be around for at least a few years anymore. i wanted people who i could trust to be around despite my busy schedule--and i also realized that there was no way in hell i deserved friends like that because of how i act towards my friends. i never initiated conversations, i never put in effort to sustain a conversation unless it suited my tastes, and i never invested in promoting a group dynamic unless i felt like it. and worst of all, i didn’t CARE that i never did these things until i felt alone. these realizations trickled in slowly, but once i understood, it floored me. I AM A SHITTY FRIEND, not even in a self-deprecating way, but in the way that i am the reason why my friends don’t stay around. at that rate, i’d grow old without consistent friends or memories in my life and wonder where the time went. 25 is way too old to not have truly invested in a few people. 

okay, this reflecting has got me tired out especially since i just worked out and still need to do paperwork today, so =___= will add more later <3