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x-bluefire-heart-x · 7 months ago

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Forever and Always

So first I owe an apology to @autumntheblogger who requested a sequel to Our Family. It has taken me a while to write this and be happy with it. But it is finally here and I really hope it was worth the wait.

I recommend reading Our Family first, which is linked below but you don't have to.

Warnings: None. Just good old fluff.

Masterlist

Prompt List

Our Family

You smiled softly as Rafael whined low in his throat as you slowly moved out from under his arm that was wrapped tightly around your waist. You wiggled out of bed looking back at him as you sat up, his forehead was wrinkled as he reached out to you in his sleep. You huffed out a laugh putting your pillow in his reach before leaning over and pressing a kiss to the furrow in his eyebrows. It was a similar event every time you got up before him, it was rather adorable, although a little bit amusing at the same time.

You swapped your shirt for the one of his that was sitting at the end of the bed as always before you padded down the hallway, checking in on Noah before continuing to the kitchen. Rafael had had a long night, a difficulty in a case causing him to stay later than he normally did these days, so you wanted to cook him a nice breakfast before he had to head into the office.

You were half way through cooking waffles and some egg and bacon when you felt a pair of arms wrap around your waist and lips on the back on your neck before Rafael buried his head in the crook of your neck.

“You could have slept a little longer babe,” you whispered.

“Hmm, I could have, but you weren’t there,” Rafael whispered pressing kisses up and down your neck. “There is no point sleeping in if you aren’t with you.”

“Sook,” you teased.

“You are so mean to me, Carino,” Rafael whined, you could feel him pouting. “Don’t make me tell Liv on you.”

“Ooh, bringing out the big guns huh?” you asked lightly running your fingers along his forearm. “You know she would be on my side right?”

“Fine, I’ll tell Finn,”

“Also on my side,” you turned your head enough to kiss him on the temple before you pulled out of his arms to plate up the rest of the food. “Could you get our son?”

“I can go get our son,” Rafael grinned sneaking in one last kiss before going to get Noah. It didn’t matter how much time had passed since you had told him that Noah was his son as much as he was yours, he would always get so happy to refer to Noah as “his” or “our” son. You shook your head a little as you brought the plates to the table, being sure to grab Noah’s sippy cup with his juice and Rafael’s cup of coffee. You could hear him coming back down the hall, humming softly to Noah.

“So, what is the plan today?” he asked, getting Noah settled.

“Hm, gotta drop Noah off at day care, then I have a meeting with a client that’s probably going to take all day,” you sighed, already feeling the headache that this day will induce.

“Wait, is this that guy that keeps changing his mind?” Rafael asked raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, after we agree, he calls and then says he doesn’t want it that way anymore, it is doing my head in,”

“Next time he tries, tell him your boyfriend is a lawyer,” Rafael grinned. “A verbal agreement is a legally binding contract.”

“Mhm, my boss will love it if I subtly imply that I will sue one of our top paying clients,” you roll your eyes.

“Well, the option is there,” he placed a kiss on your forehead as he stood up. “Thanks for breakfast I gotta get into the office.”

“Have a good day!” you were too focused on helping Noah eat to see the look on Rafael’s face. His hand went into the pocket of his pants and stayed there as he headed out the door, looking back once to the scene at the kitchen table before closing the door.

---

Rafael stood outside the station one hand in his pocket fiddling with the box that he had been carrying around for months, since you had told him that he was Noah’s father. He had been standing there for a lot longer than he ever wanted to admit.

“Counsellor?” Rafael jumped at the sound of Nick’s voice behind him. “Are you going in?”

“Yes, need to speak with Liv about the new case you lot have dumped on me,” Rafael cleared his throat attempting to cover up how nervous he was.

“We haven’t given you a new case,” Nick raised his eyebrow as he followed Rafael inside. “And you’re jumpier than normal, it’s too early for you to have had enough caffeine to make you like this considering your tolerance.”

“I hate detectives,” Rafael muttered.

“You’re nervous,” it was not a question as Nick’s eyes traced the movement of Rafael’s in his pocket. “Congrats.”

“Not a word…I haven’t even told Liv yet,” Rafael pointed his finger at Nick. “And I want to ask for Liv’s blessing…and Finns.”

“My lips are sealed,” Nick promised as they entered the bull pin.

“Why is one of my detectives telling you that his lips are sealed?” Liv questioned, her eyes narrowing as she catalogued every movement Rafael made before her eyes zeroed in on his hand still in his pocket. “My office. Finn, join us.” Her tone left no room for argument.

“Good luck,” Amanda winked as both men followed Olivia into her office. Rafael felt his heart pick up speed, he knew Liv would notice straight away, but he had not considered her tone to be that specific one, it was her Lieutenant voice. And the way Finn walked ahead of him was the same way he walked into the interrogation room.

Olivia closed the door behind the two of them before she walked around her desk, Finn taking his spot right beside her as they both stared Rafael down. It was rare for him to be on the receiving end of those looks, at the same time. He now knew how a suspect felt when Liv and Finn would team up. Rafael felt sweat start to build on his forehead as he took a deep breath.

“I am aware that the both of you already know what I want to ask,”

“Well, you aren’t very subtle Counsellor,” Finn mused. “You’re more wired than I have ever seen you.”

“Have I mentioned lately how I hate detectives?” Rafael asked trying to buy himself some more time. He had originally had it all planned out but he found himself struggling to remember everything he had practiced.

“Quit stalling Rafa,” Liv teased, which helped Rafael relax a little. “I wanna hear what you have to say.”

“I wanted to ask for your blessing to ask y/n to marry me,” Rafael forced out. “I love her with my entire heart and soul. I could not imagine my life without her. Or without Noah, the two of them have changed my life for the better. I mean I have a life now, before I wasn’t really living but y/n and Noah brought light and love to my life. They helped me to live again.”

Olivia’s lips twitched as she struggled to keep her face neutral, she didn’t want to break too early but her eyes gave away everything. They brightened with happiness with every new word that left Rafael’s mouth. She knew the two of them would be a forever thing from the moment they started seeing each other but to hear how much her sister had impacted Rafael’s life was another thing entirely, especially when she already knew how much he had impacted her life as well. Finn on the other hand had no issue with holding strong. He needed to rib the ADA a little.

“Not our permission?” Finn raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t that normally what people ask for? Not blessing?”

“My carino is her own person and I don’t believe she would appreciate if I asked for someone else’s permission to marry her as if she was property,” Rafael pointed out. “But to have the blessing of her sister, who raised her and your blessing Finn, who has been such an important person in her life. That would mean a lot to me, to know that the two of you trust her heart to me.”

“Well,” Liv said her voice a little heavy and if Rafael peered a little closer he could have sworn that he saw some tears forming.

“I got questions,” Finn demanded, still not giving in but his demeanour had softened. Rafael fought so hard to not roll his eyes but Olivia did not.

“Of course you do, one would forget that I was the one who raised her,” Liv muttered.

“Alright, Finn,” Rafael sighed before squaring his shoulders. “What questions?”

“When are you planning to pop the question?”

“This Saturday, it’s the anniversary of when we met,”

“I am trying very hard to restrain myself right now,” Olivia muttered as she stood up and walked around to stand in-front of Rafael, she pulled him into a tight hug which he returned in kind. “I whole heartedly give you my blessing to marry my sister. I know you will continue to make her happy and that you will continue to be an amazing father to Noah.”

Finn kept his arms crossed as he moved to stand in-front of Rafael, his eyes narrowed. He stared Rafael down but Rafael did not waver as he held the detective’s stare. He had never wavered before and he definitely wasn’t about to start now. But the stare down didn’t last long before Finn’s tough shell broke, his lips pulling back into a smile as he threw his arms out wide.

“Well, that’s all I wanted to know,” Finn grinned. “Was just pulling your leg, there was no way I wasn’t giving you my blessing to marry Little Benson, she would have throttled me.”

“Good to know that is the main reason,” Rafael muttered shaking his head.

“I mean of course I think you’re good for her as well,” Finn shrugged. “But she’s a Benson.”

“Little unsure if I should feel complimented or insulted by what that implies,” Olivia narrowed her eyes at Finn before deciding it wasn’t worth it. “I want all the details. Now.”

“Of course you do,” Rafael had resigned himself to this the moment he bought the ring.

“I was thinking, this Saturday I could take little Noah for an aunty/nephew sleep over, it’s been a while,” Liv stated as the two of you were getting your nails done. It was a little earlier than normal but Liv had insisted on changing your appointments to Friday instead of the Saturday two weeks from now. And Liv had insisted on choosing your nails, and for you to choose hers. You narrowed her eyes at your sister, tilting her head to the side before you looked at the calendar on the wall and saw the date.

“He’s proposing,” you didn’t even ask, you just stated.

“…damnnit,” Liv cursed. “I really thought I could have gotten this past you.”

“You might be the detective but I was raised by you,” you shrugged. “Plus, these nails are like fancy nails. Not to mention you and Amanda taking me shopping yesterday and insisting that I try on really pretty dresses and to get the one that is almost the exact shade of Rafael’s eyes. And tomorrow is the anniversary of when we first met.”

“I now understand why Rafael always says he hates detectives,” Olivia laughed shaking her head. “I didn’t realise you had picked so much up from me.”

“Yeah well,” you just shrugged again. “You were always my hero Liv, of course I wanted to be able to do what you do. Plus you did drill into me to be observant and then Finn even started teaching me recon shit.”

“Part of me wants to offer you a job but the other part of me definitely wants you to stay as far away from police work as possible,”

“As if I would take it anyway,” you rolled your eyes. “No offense but I like my job too much and I get paid really well. Plus I don’t get shot at so.”

“Yeah, yeah alright,” Liv grinned. “So, I get Noah on Saturday, and Sunday until lunch, then his dad gets him while, you and I go out for dinner and you tell me everything.”

“Liv, I don’t think you’re going to want to know everything,” you giggled, your heart fluttering in excitement. You may have been nonchalant when you stated what this was all about but truthfully you were nervous. Even knowing what Rafael had planned you had no idea how he was going to do it.

“You are a terror,” Liv rolled her eyes.

“Little sister’s prerogative,” you shrugged. “But yes, I agree, you can have Noah up until Sunday lunch, which we will all have together, and then you and I will have a dinner in? I doubt I will be up for going out.”

The two amazing women who always did yours and Liv’s nails both giggled at that.

“I remember when my husband proposed to me,” the one doing Liv’s nails sighed. “We didn’t leave our room for days.”

“Liv showed me the dress you will be wearing,” your technician grinned. “These nails will go beautifully with it.”

Liv had chosen a golden base for your nails, that simmered gently, with a pale green swirling pattern overlaying it. The pale green was almost a perfect match for your dress and Rafael’s eyes. You smiled softly holding your left hand up in-front of you, imagining the ring that will be sitting on your ring finger tomorrow night.

“Have you seen the ring?” you asked.

“I have,” Liv nodded. “It’s gorgeous and very you. Rafael did a good job choosing it. And that is all you get from me.”

You pouted a little but knew you would rather have that as a surprise. Since you technically ruined the surprise that he was proposing to you in the first place.

---

“Come on! We want to see,” Amanda sang as she held Noah on her hip, with Oliva beside her.

You stood in-front of the mirror in Olivia’s bedroom, brushing down the front of your dress. Amanda had volunteered to help do your make-up when Liv mentioned that you had worked out what was happening tonight, and she had done an amazing job. It was a beautiful subtle look that managed to empathise your cheekbones and bring focus to your eyes. Olivia had curled your hair and pinned the sides up, so nothing obscured your face.

“Alright, alright! I swear you are more excited than I am,” you laughed walking into the lounge room, blushing at the looks on the two women’s faces. “Is it too much? Will he know that I know?”

“You look beautiful,” Liv whispered her eyes tearing up a little.

“I don’t think he will care,” Amanda smiled. “Not when he sees you. What do you think little man?”

Noah cooed clapping his hands and reaching out for you. You allowed him to latch onto one of your fingers as your stepped forward to place a soft kiss against his chubby little cheek.

“I hope you have fun with your aunties tonight,” you smiled.

“Oh, don’t you worry,” Liv wrapped an arm around your waist holding you to her side. “Manda, Noah and I will have lot’s of fun tonight.”

“Though not as much fun as you,” Amanda wiggled her eyebrows. “He’ll be here any minute.”

You giggled, holding in the small squeal that wanted to escape when a knock sounded on the door.

“Make that any second,” Liv squeezed you before going to let the man of the hour in.

“Breathe,” Amanda whispered kissing you on the cheek as Rafael walked into view and you felt your air in your lungs leave you in a rush. He was wearing your favourite suit, which thankfully complimented your dress perfectly.

“Carino,” Rafael breathed. “You take my breathe from me.”

“Well, you two need to get going,” Liv started pushing the two of you towards the door when you failed to say anything in response. You couldn’t, you found for once you had no words. This was the man you were going to spend the rest of your life with and tonight was the start of the next chapter of it.

---

“Rafael, this place is beautiful,” you whispered as the hostess led you to your table. Which was in a quiet corner, lit candles decorated it, and a bottle of expansive red wine was breathing next to a vase filled with peonies and lilac. Your favourite flowers.

“Tonight is a special night,” Rafael pressed a kiss to your temple as he helped you into your chair.

“The anniversary of our first date?” you asked tilting your head to the side as he poured glasses of wine.

“Exactly,” Rafael grinned, you could see the nerves that he hid behind that smile. You reached across the table and grabbed his hand squeezing it once, as a gentle smile pulled at your lips.

“You always spoil me Rafi,” you pulled your hand away to focus on the menu in-front of you. “You look especially handsome tonight. Amanda had to remind me to breathe.”

“Turn about is fair play,” Rafael teased. “Everyday I must remind myself to breathe, when I wake up with you in my arms, when you smile at me I feel the world stop.”

You felt your heart squeeze as your stomach fluttered before it stopped, contentment settling over your body as Rafael pulled a box out of his pocket.

“I was going to wait until dessert but I found I can’t,” Rafael chuckled, as he slid the box to the middle of the table. “Carino, everyday that we have been together has made my life better, happier and brighter. The day you told me you loved me I knew that I would know no better happiness, until you told me I was Noah’s father. You have given me a home, a family. I know that your love has made me a better man and I promise you that everyday I will be sure to be deserving of your love, of your heart and of our son. You are my heart, my soul and the very breathe in my lungs. I wish to wake with you in my arms every day. Carino, my love, will you marry me?”

Rafael opened the box as you tried to stop the tears that fell down your cheeks. Nestled in blue fabric was the most beautiful ring you had ever seen. It was also far from a traditional engagement ring but it showed that Rafael knew you. For you never wanted a traditional ring. It was a black band twisted around itself, with lines of silver and gold entwined along it. Three gems sat in the band, the middle one held above the others by the twisting of the band, wrapping securely by the gold and silver. It took you a moment to realise what the gems represented, and when you did your heart ached with love. They were your birthstones, Noah’s, Rafael’s and yours.

“Rafi,” you breathed holding out your left hand for Rafael, he lifted the ring from the box holding it just over your ring finger before he slowly slid it down. “Yes, always.”

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rqgnarok · 1 month ago

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a house upon the hill - nolan price

love you better now (sequel, original work)- leave a light on (prequel part 1) - this work is prequel part 2 but can be read individually!

fandom: law & order, law & order special victims unit

wc: 8,838

warnings: conversations about ptsd and ptsd episodes, aftermath of a traumatic event. canon presence of injuries, blood, violence, weapons, and hospitals. female reader

summary: after being shot and waking up in the hospital, the relief of your survival is short-lived.

ao3 / masterlist / buy me a coffee!

author's note below!

The relief of your survival is short-lived.

You’re tired and in pain, the doctors slowly wear you off the meds and your answers to how are doing? gets shorter and shorter to anyone who asks. Your grip around Nolan’s hand tightens further every time someone comes and goes, and by the time you’re leaving the hospital the bags under your eyes are prominent, your cheeks sharper than they were when you first got there.

Nolan, the trooper, writes down and listens carefully to all the instructions given to him about your care. He packs your bags with all the things he brought from your appartment and the get-well-soon gifts given by family and friends. He doen’t notice you shifting restlessly as he struggles to manhandle the wheelchair, regarding it with distrust.

“Okay,” he says faux brightly, hands at his hips and looking between you and the wheelchair. “You ready to get out of here?”

Your smile is brittle as you nod. That should be Nolan’s first clue, how you don’t rise to the banter at the first chance of it. “Alright, come here. The nurse will kill me if I let you pop your stitches.”

Your jaw tightens but you go, holding onto Nolan and digging your fingers into his arms when you rise off the bed and your body feels like it’s being lit on fire. You curse under your breath and Nolan catches it, tries to meet your eye while you struggle to conceal how much you’re hurting.

“If you need a second–”

“I’m fine.”

“Honey, you can’t push yourself too hard,” he reminds you as if you don’t know. “This type of thing doesn’t heal overnight. We can take as long as you need.”

“I just want to go home,” you say, and it sounds so much like begging it makes you sick, makes you mad. “Just– can you just help me out here, please?”

“You just gotta–”

Your reply is biting. “I know, Nolan.”

The room is engulfed by silence. His hands tense where they’re holding you but to Nolan’s credit, he doesn’t let go, even if his mouth is now set in an upset, even line.Your guilt rises like waves but your annoyance drowns it out, and there’s no apology made as you finally sit in the wheelchair, exhaling in relief.

Nolan doesn’t let go until you’re settled in nicely, and even then he remains close; gripping the handles of the chair and standing behind you where you can’t see him.

You’re buried under two sweatshirts and a coat, but the lack of touch leaves you cold nevertheless.

Your almost-month long stay at the hospital has left your home rotting in neglect. Your furniture lays under a thin layer of dust and the dishes from your last dinner together are still in the dishwasher. The dirty laundry hamper is about to blow.

Nolan appears sheepish when your eyes inevitably go towards the chaos, expression unreadable. He’s got his arm around your waist and his grip is tight as you make your way through the apartment. “I was hoping for time to clean up a little before you came home, but I’ll take care of it, promise.”

“It’s fine,” you say, monotone. Nolan can’t really read into it, unsure if you mean it or not. Halfway to the bedroom, you dig your nails into his shoulder, pulling him to a stop near the couch. “This. Here. Here is fine.”

Nolan frowns disapprovingly. “You should really lay down.”

“I can lay down here,” you say, stubborn as always but through gritted teeth. “I don’t wanna go to bed, okay, just– here is fine.”

Nolan visibly disagrees but relents, his mind still stuck in the way you’d snapped at him back at the hospital. You unclench slightly when he finally stops touching you, body limp on the couch. Nolan tries not to bristle.

It’s the first of many uncomfortable, tense interactions. You can’t move around the house on your own and stiffen whenever Nolan reaches out to support you. You’re quiet and short when you’re not, trying and failing to keep everything polite.

You drive each other crazy. Nolan works from home as much as he can and you don’t work at all. No matter how much you beg Cragen to send you some files, your day remains sans responsibilities. There are only so many reruns of Seinfeld you can stand before you’re making up a psychological profile for each of the characters just for the hell of it before you realize you’re losing your damn mind.

“What happened?” he asks one afternoon when you don’t come out for dinner. You’re lying face down on the made bed, curtains drawn shut. When you don’t answer, don’t move, Nolan’s voice turns sharp, calling your name. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” you snap, muffled by the sheets. Your sigh takes over your entire body, pushing yourself up to glare at him. “Nothing. Fucking nothing. Cragen won’t let me back without a therapist’s okay, alright? But other than that, everything’s perfect.”

“Isn’t that standard procedure?” he asks, sitting on the bed with a bowl of pasta on his lap. Your frown deepens like he’s the one who’s keeping you locked inside the house against your will.

“I’m fine,” you say. “Do you know how many people I’ve seen get shot in this job? I don’t see why this is necessary.”

“It doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” he says, quietly.

“You know how department’s shrinks are,” he has never heard you speak about psychological aid with such hatred. “But Stabler used to get a pat on the back and he’d be back to work within the hour. Go figure.”

“And look how that worked out for him,” Nolan says, the wrong thing to add, he can tell, for how you settle back into bed and refuse to face him. He sighs and speaks to your back. “What else did the Captain say?”

“‘You want back on the field, come to my office with discharge papers from Dr. Masters office,” you parrot in a poor imitation of Captain Cragen. “Other than that, he’ll be sending some paperwork my way. As if that’s the fucking point.”

Nolan lets the silence stretch, unsure of how to follow up. He flinches when you turn to scream into the pillow, raw and frustrated. You say, venomous. “Motherfucker.”

He leaves your dinner on the bedside table and leaves without a word like a chastised child, feeling like he’s walking away from something bigger than your wirldwind temper.

—

It gets better before it gets worse. There are days in which you don’t utter a single word and walk through the apartment like you’re haunting it; from bed to the living room to the kitchen, unaware or uncaring of Nolan’s presence. Others, you’re out the door as soon as you’re physically able, disappearing for hours on end, phone off to Nolan’s alarmed dismay.

He calls Liv, Cragen, Munch, anyone who knows you and has the resources to pull a nation wide man hunt until he realizes you always come back and it’s better to welcome you than drive you away by asking questions. Those conversations usually lead to one of you sleeping on the couch and your injuries are still a little too tender for Nolan to let you pass the night on that old thing.

One night he leaves the bedroom for a glass of water and finds you standing in front of the open window in just your pajamas. The air is chilly and your skin is covered in goosebumps, but it’s the look on your face that scares Nolan the most.

“Honey,” Nolan, bleary and confused, comes up behind you. You don’t even flinch. It wakes him up quicker than anything else ever has. Saying your name urgently, he wonders, “What are you doing? It’s freezing.”

“It’s fine,” you say, detached, not even there. You blink, staring dazedly into the night. You don’t snap out of it as he leads you back into your room.

When he asks you about it the following morning you just stare at him, blank-faced, without a single memory of the event.

To no one’s surprise, Dr. Masters gently refuses to sign your discharge papers after two months of leave and therapy sessions. Cragen takes one look at you and caves, albeit hesitantly, to reinstate you to a desk job as long as you follow the mandated breaks to talk about your feelings in an office that smells too much like lavender and vanilla.

You hate it. Absolutely abhor it. Dr. Masters, just like everyone else, wants you to talk about the shooting and nothing else. It doesn’t matter that your memory betrays you, keeping the event locked away in some faraway corner of your mind. According to her, refusing to acknowledge it is refusing to heal from it.

It leaves you short-fused. Home is a few curt words of polite conversation before you begin to snap, annoyed at Nolan’s placid attitude. Even the squad begins to lose their patience, you find yourself in Cragen’s office more often than not, glowering like a kid sent to the principal.

“Talk to me,” is all he says, not we’ve already been too lenient with you or shouldn’t you be over it by now? because he genuinely cares about you, which warms and enrages you all at once.

“What,” you say, purposely dense, arms crossed defensively.

“You’re biting heads off out there like you’re a suspect for a crime,” Cragen replies, no-nonsense. “You’re not in trouble here, I just want to know what’s going on.”

“It’s not on me that no one gets shit done around here,” you lean back against the chair, tense shoulders and sweaty hands. “We wouldn’t be so slammed if you all worried about me a little less. I’m fine.”

“Right,” Cragen says, waiting you out.

“You don’t need to walk on eggshells around me,” you continue, rough. “You can’t hurt me. I’m not gonna break, Cap.”

“Everyone keeps asking what I need– I need everyone to stop looking at me like I’m dead,” you say rushedly. You’ve started now and can’t bring yourself to stop. “I breathe a little funny and they’re on me, wanting to– to make me tea and give me casseroles that won’t fit in my fridge and ask me how I’ve been sleeping, I don’t need that shit–”

Cragen hums knowingly. Then, after a silence:

“How’s Nolan?”

You huff. “Fine. Fine, he’s always fine. Always looking for something to do. He’s cooked more these past few months than in our entire marriage, you know?”

“He’s only trying to help–”

“I know,” you snap. Cragen only stares as you pull yourself together, filled with everloving patience. It’s why he called you in, not to reprimand or punish but to let you breathe without people accusing you of doing it wrong.

“I know,” you say again after several exhales, closing your eyes and tilting your head towards the ceiling, avoiding his eye. “Just because he’s trying doesn’t mean it’s working.”

“Have you thought of telling him that?”

“Sure,” you snort. “‘Hey, honey, can you not ask me how my day went? I zoned out for thirty minutes at my desk and picked at my scar until I snapped myself out of it.’”

“There’s help for that, you know,” Cragen says. “I heard they call it therapy, these days.”

“Name it, I’m on it,” you reply, smiling wryly. “Physical, for anxiety, for PTSD. I should get a goddamned discount.”

The Captain doesn’t laugh. Neither had any of your therapists, for that matter.

“I don’t want to be like this,” you continue after a moment of silence, unsure if you’re allowed, but Cragen only nods. Decades on the job have made him wise beyond his years, sometimes even to his own detriment. “You– I know what you’re all thinking–”

“I’m not sure you do.”

“–but I don’t–” your breath hitches. “If I could be over it already, I would. This isn’t any more fun for me than it is for you.”

“No one thinks badly of you for reacting to something that happened to you,” he tells you, and it’s so close to absolution you could cry right here in front of him with all your coworkers at the other side of the door. You didn’t know it was something you were seeking.

“I can see how they look at me,” you say, quiet. “I know what they want, who they want. I just can’t give it to them.”

“What do you want?” he uses your first name and it disarms something inside of you. It’s an innocent enough question, but it reaches for your lungs and squeezes mercilessly.

“I want it to stop,” the niceties, people explaining your own PTSD to you. The racing thoughts, the breathlessness, the chest pains you haven’t been able to get rid of even if the doctor says there’s nothing wrong with you anymore. Not physically.

You sigh and it comes out shaky. Your eyes burn. “I just want everything to stop.”

Two days later, you mistakenly say this to your therapist, who throws the question back to you with interest. “What do you mean by that? What needs to stop?”

“I don’t know,” you shrug, infinitely more annoyed than when you’d been talking about this with Cragen. “Everything. Nothing. I don’t know.”

“Well, maybe you do know. And that’s what scares you, what has you lashing out over the simplest innocent things. Think about that.”

“Oh, so I’m supposed to do all of the work here? I thought you said this was a partnership.”

Dr. Masters sighs, keeping careful watch over her exasperation. She writes something down, tries again.

You leave the sessions sans any breakthroughs but with enough recommendations to implement at home in hopes of finding normalcy in your marriage once more.

Try doing something together, the suggestion has you shifting uncomfortably in your seat. Have a movie night or breakfast together before work, host dinners with friends. Make your home yours again, is what I mean.

You try. It’s not a relaxing endeavor. God knows your work schedules suck even now that you’re both working half time, tempers gone through the shredder more than once. Still, you mention it to Liv and she suggests a double date kind of thing, and suddenly you’ve got a full dining table while a migraine inside your temples builds and builds and builds and–

“How you holdin’ up?” Brian asks casually, cutting off your racing thoughts like a record scratching. Your hands tighten around your fork and knife as you swallow down the urge to scream that washes over you at the question.

You think about the sleepless nights and the anger that comes out of nowhere, the inexplicable lack of patience directed at Nolan despite loving him more than anything else. You wonder if Brian would understand, having been shot before. If this is a good as any place to let everything out.

The thought fades as soon as it forms.

“Working on it,” you shrug simply. “Everything hurts and therapy’s a bitch. You know what it’s like.”

Brian snorts. “Fuck yeah, I do. Last time I went down I was so restless, Liv was gonna shoot me herself.”

“Hey now,” Liv says, but she’s smiling behind her wine and has a hand on Cassidy’s knee that inches slightly higher as she teases him. “I will say, going to work sounded like a dream just to get out of the house. You’re get better, though.”

“Hey, anything for the time off, I guess,” you say faux-brightly, a cynical twist of your lips that resembles a smile. “Next time I’ll make sure they shoot me somewhere less tedious, though.”

Brian scoffs and Liv shakes her head, but no one laughs. Nolan clears his throat after an awkward pause, obviously upset. He wipes his mouth with his napkin and leaves it gently on the table as he stands, avoiding your eye. “Excuse me.”

He walks away and closes the bedroom door gently behind him, the living room falling into uneasy silence. You pipe up with dark humor, “You think I’d get more time of if I was stabbed?”

The fight after Liv and Brian leave is a massive, unavoidable bloodbath.

There’s relief in the heat of it all, in a fucked up way. All the pent up agression you’ve been harboring finally has an opponent, even if Nolan doesn’t know he’s bringing knives to a gunfight.

“I hate when you say things like that and you know it–”

“It was a joke, Nolan, for Christ's sake–”

“Well, it’s not funny. For none of us, Liv was there with you in the ambulance and I–”

“Oh, please, tell me how I ruined your life by almost dying,” you scoff, goading. “Please, honey, the floor is yours.”

“Stop,” he says, firm, but his voice wobbles, and his eyes fill up with tears. You hate the sight of him like this and you hate to be the one who causes it. Still, the part of you aching for chaos, for emotion, can’t help but to press at the bruise. “I’m not doing this, I’m not having this argument with you.”

“You don’t have any arguments with me!” you exclaim in disbelief. Nolan purses his mouth in discontent and look away. “You tell me how to feel, what to do, what this whole thing has been like but the second I try to have an actual conversation it’s like your eyes glaze over and you’re fucking gone–”

“You don’t know what it was like for me,” Nolan snaps, tear stained cheeks glittering against the warm light of the bedroom. He hasn’t stopped crying ever since you came home. You hear him sometimes when he locks himself in his office or in the bathroom in the middle of the night. “Getting Liv’s call, the hospital, watching you like that–”

“This didn’t happen to you, Nolan!” you scream. The world has taken a sharper edge after the shooting, and all you can do is attack it likewise. “I laid in my own blood hoping someone would notice I was gone. I wasted away in the hospital for weeks, I am living a life where not a damn thing is right!”

“I’m drowning here,” your voice breaks, losing all its volume and vehemence. “And all everyone keeps telling me is how they feel about it, how I’m supposed to be getting better. I’m not. I’m not, Nolan. For the love of God, can we make this about me for half a second?”

“You,” Nolan begins, but it gets caught up in his throat, dissolves into nothing before you can hear what it is. Nolan shakes his head, adamant. “I’m not doing this.” He gathers his things all while you desperately call his name. The door closing behind him echoes through the apartment not unlike a gunshot in your ear.

That same week, Nolan goes to therapy.

He doesn’t tell you about it, just like he hasn’t told you about the past couple of months worth of sessions. He doesn’t tell anyone, actually. It starts when a victim’s husband loses it mid trial and lounges at her killer right in front of God, the judge and a panicking Nolan. He’s sure he conceals his feelings well, yet his boss takes one look at him and stops by his office at the end of the day.

“Someone recommended him to me,” he says while Nolan traces the dark blue letters of the contact card he just handed him. “I haven’t been to him in years, but he’s good. If you don’t think he can help you then I’m sure he’ll find you someone who can.”

“I–” Nolan begins and leaves it at that. It’s such a quietly kind thing to do for him that it renders him speechless.

“It can’t be easy,” he continues when Nolan doesn’t, endlessly patient, oddly personal. “What she went through, what you’re going through. I’m sure you’re both doing the best you can, but if you ever feel like you need more, well. It’s good to have options available.”

Everything that’s been offered the last few months; the casseroles and the rides to work, home, the hospital, a shoulder to cry on– it’s all been about you, for you. Nolan appreciates it but there’s something conditional about the whole thing, like he’s not worthy of help unless it’s somehow related to his wife.

He loves you. By God, he loves you with everything there’s in him to the point of ruin, but this– this is for him. His boss is offering him a lifeguard he so desperately needs, and it has both everything and nothing to do with you. He gets to be selfish about this one thing, and the thrill of it drowns out the guilt he feels about leaving you in the dark.

“Thanks,” he says, choked. Nolan clears his throat, hoping it comes out with at least some of the gratitude he’s feeling. “Thank you, sir. Thank you.”

The older man smiles, already at the door and saying his goodbyes. “See you tomorrow, Nolan.”

So Nolan goes to therapy. His first time on Dr. Rhymes’ couch he begins to weep before he can introduce himself. When he resurfaces from his grief, the man is offering him a box of tissues without a hint of judgement in his gaze.

He gets now why you come back frustrated more times than not after a session. It’s like pulling teeth, no matter how badly he knows he needs it. But it helps more than he hoped it would and the nightmares about your death slowly lose some of its gore. His once rusted instincts coming back to its brilliance in court after a week’s worth of full night’s rest.

He gets better. Starts to, anyways, but not you. In your dreams, you still bleed and bleed and bleed.

No one comes to get you. Liv misses the alleyway and chases after the perp, Nolan doesn’t call to wonder when you’re coming home, your gut pulsates with pain until there’s nothing but numbness, nothing but darkness, nothing left of you.

You wake up and don't know where you are. Your flail is purely instinctive, and despite the sharp pain that pulls at your chest you do so again, eyesight blurry, panic rising sharp and quick. Your entire body’s on fire but it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter because you don’t know where you are and the perp is getting away, and Liv is still blocks away and, and, and, and–

Bleeding. You’re bleeding, bleeding out and your radio’s too far away and you can see the perp running but can’t hear his steps, there’s only your heartbeat echoing in your ears and the wet taste of death in your mouth as the world fades to black around you–

Sometimes you wake up from nightmares so quietly that Nolan doesn’t notice. Your eyes are closed and then they’re not and that’s all the movement your body can produce even if your heart is hammering against your ribcage. Other nights– nights like this one– you’re drenched in sweat and sprinting to the bathroom before your stomach returns the dinner you ate mere hours ago.

You hear Nolan fussing in the bedroom and picture him as clear as day in your mind; hair rumpled from sleep and eyes bleary, creased pajamas and worry lines on his features like he was supposed to grow into them. And he’s looking for you. Always, always looking for you.

You hate doing this to him but you hate having to go through it alone more. When you feel a cool, protective hand soothe up and down your back where your shirt sticks to your skin, you sob through your gags.

Nolan only says let it out, honey, I’ve got you, just let it go in different variations until the panic subsides. You focus on the timber of his voice, the roughness of sleep coating his vowels and the tilt of his consonants.

The bathroom tile is rough against your knees and your mouth tastes like acid, arms shaking with the effort of keeping you upright against the toilet seat. When you’re done, you fall back to the floor and Nolan is there next to you, ready to catch you.

He cradles you almost like one would a baby and you nestle against his chest, exhausted.

“I’m sorry,” you croak against his heartbeat. Nolan’s hand finds the sweaty nape of your neck and massages the tension out of it, hairs sticking to his fingers.

His soothing reply is automatic but no less honest. “It’s alright. It’s just a dream.”

“Not for this,” you correct, panting against his cotton grey shirt and reaching to hold it in a tight, shaky fist. “I mean– yes, for this, but for before. Everything. In the hospital and for fighting, for not… For everything. I’m sorry I’m like this.”

“Don’t be,” he defends, awfully vehement for a man who’s been awake for less than 10 minutes and is sitting on his bathroom floor at 4 in the morning. It’s the most emotion he’s shown since your last fight and you could weep with the relief it brings you. “Never be. You’re in pain. I’m allowed to want to help you when you’re in pain.”

“I’m tired of being in pain.”

Nolan’s chest shudders and you unclench your fist to lay your palm against it, the beat of his heart fluttering despite his calm demeanor. He shifts his hand to brush his thumb against your cheek, calming. “I know, honey. I know.”

He doesn’t say it’s okay or it’ll get better because as much as you know Nolan hopes so, it’s not the kind of thing he can promise. You wouldn’t want him to.

The sun rises through the horizon. Nolan holds you, holds you, and holds you.

“It’s stupid,” you say against your hands, hours later in your emergency session with Dr. Masters, wet and high-pitched. “It’s so fucking stupid.”

You don't elaborate. She gently goads. “What is?”

“It’s so simple,” your voice drips with disbelief, muscles coiled tight. “It’s so– it was one bullet. One second, and I’m– I can’t let it go. Why can’t I let it go?”

No answer, but you don’t need it. You’re already on a roll. “I’m okay. I’m alright, I recovered. I have my job and my husband and my life back then why am I like this? Why–”

Your voice breaks, a sign of weakness you’re done trying to hide. “Do I not want it? To get better, do I not want it enough? What am I doing wrong?”

“You have to understand, this isn’t something you did,” she sighs, leaving her notebook and pen to lean in closer. “Are you listening to me? This is something that happened to you, not because of you. Healing isn’t linear, isn’t that what you always say to the victims you encounter at work–”

You sniff, sharply wiping at your nose. “Yes, but–”

“But it’s different,” she finishes for you, leaning back against her seat. “Why? Because it’s you? Because you know better since you’re a cop? Because you’re not allowed any moment of weakness in the face of adversity?”

You’re rendered quiet, almost but not quite pouting after being called out so thoroughly. Masters continues. “You keep punishing yourself for reacting to trauma in an unpredictable way. Even that in itself is predictable. There’s no rulebook for this.”

“I know,” you say like you’ve done so many times since this whole thing started, but this is different. It’s not angry or sarcastic. It feels like a tipping point.

“This happened to you. You didn’t chose it,” your therapist says. Then, carefully, like she too is aware you’re on the cusp of something that you might be, finally, ready to hear. “But what you do with it– that is up to you.”

“You got handed this ugly, terrible thing,” she continues. “It’s yours now. And you can let it take over your life or you can take it in your hands and mold it into something you can live with.”

“That’s awful,” you say; tired, honest, terrified. Why should it be up to you? Why is it your job to fix what someone else broke? Master smiles.

“It is. It’s all work,” you say. “At least at first. And then, piece by piece, you make a life with the fragments from before. You get new ones. It’s not gonna be the same, but it’ll be yours. But work. It’s the only way out.”

It’s all work.

The session hollows you from the inside out and the day at the office is a blur. You get home much, much later, weary and exhausted. The sun is already deep behind the horizon and your head is filled with statistics and suspect heights, ethnicities, possible sightings…

Your eyes hurt and Nolan is already in bed, bent over his book with his glasses perched low on his nose. A lifetime ago he would’ve joked they made him look old, and you would kiss him senseless until they went askew and tell him he looked distinguished. It’s such an old, nice memory, both distant and right there for the taking. You get a little breathless just thinking about it.

He looks up to greet you when he hears you come in, tired but genuine. You think mold it into something you can live with and make a decision.

“Hey,” he welcomes you. “How was work?”

“I…” whatever your apprehension is, you visibly shake it off before focusing on Nolan with a sense of determination he hasn’t seen from you in a very, very long time. “I would like you to come with me. To therapy.”

“You… would?” he hates that he sounds so surprised. He places his book on the bedside table, taking his glasses off.

You look as uncomfortable as he feels, but aren’t backing down. You lessen the chasm between you, sitting on your side of the bed and laying your palm flat on the sheets. Realization hits Nolan like a slap to the face.

Here you are, the strange shape that is his wife after hell and back, reaching.

“I think… there are so many things I want to tell you,” you continue slowly, the way you do when you’ve rehearsed before speaking in court as a witness, presenting the case. “that I don’t know how. And so many things you have to say that I haven’t… wanted to hear.”

“But I’m ready,” you nod, grave. “To put in the work. Or– I want to be. And I’d– I’d like you to be with me, when I am.”

“We can go to Dr. Masters or– or I’m sure there’s some names she can draw up. Couples therapy,” you rush to say when Nolan doesn’t answer, desperate for his support. “Or– I mean, maybe you wouldn’t be comfortable with that, but I was really hoping we could–”

“Okay,” it comes out quiet. His nod, though, is resolute. “Yeah.”

You blink, a little startled and hesitatingly hopeful. “You– Yeah?”

“Yes. Okay. Yes, of course.”

“Okay,” you say, relieved, as if he’d ever say no to you. You laugh a little, deflating, running a hand through your hair. “Jesus, okay. Okay.”

A beat, two. Then you say, fragile as a baby bird, breaking the silence. “I’ve been so unfair to you.”

That finally gets him moving. He says your name, devastated. He opens up his arms, surer than he’s been in months. “Come here.”

You sigh out heavily, shakily. Standing, you move to his side of the bed and fall into his arms, work clothes and all.

“We’re alright,” he says, fingers threading into your hair. “I love you. I’m coming with you. We’re gonna be okay.”

“I’m sorry,” you apologize anyways, crying into his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, too,” his voice breaks and his arms tighten. There’s a kiss pressed to your hair that only makes you cry harder. “I’m so sorry, honey, for so many things. But we’re gonna be okay.”

It’s all, all work.

…Mostly.

“The files are on my desk,” Nick nods dutifully as you rattle off instructions, making sure your hair isn’t messed up by your coat. “Fin knows my notes backwards and forwards, if he tries to convince you he doesn’t it’s because he’s lazy, and I already let Cap know–”

Nick laughs, saying your last name knowingly. “It’s okay. Everything’s set, there’s nothing you’ve forgotten. Go have fun for once, will you?”

“Yeah, let us live vicariously through you,” Rollins pipes up as she passes by, an overflowing evidence box in her arms. “I’d kill for a hot date with a hotter lawyer right now.”

“You’d bite his head off before the appetizers came in,” Amaro smirks at her cockily, and you roll your eyes when Rollins predictably rises to the challenge. Behind them, Fin stares at them like he’s regretting all the life choices that led him to work with these people.

“You know what, Bernardo–” Rollins begins.

“Speaking of the devil,” Much pipes up loudly before Rollins starts humming the notes to the West Side Story score at Nick. You shoot him a grateful look but your attention is soon refocused on Nolan, who looks tall and sharp as he enters the precinct. “Good to see you, kiddo.”

“You too, old man. Hey, everyone,” Nolan smiles as he greets everyone else, though it turns shy when he acknowledges you, suddenly unaware of the rest of the room. “Hi, honey.”

“Hey, handsome,” you can’t help yourself, feeling young and foolish. “You look good.”

“Had to match you, didn’t I?” he gives you a once over, long and interested, and you’re so into it you can’t even hear your coworkers making fun of you. “You ready to go?”

“Born ready,” you wave everyone goodbye and then, as soon as you’re out of ear shot, you admit sheepishly, “I’m actually a little nervous. Is that weird?”

Nolan’s laugh is tender, relieved. “No,” he says, looking more relaxed by the admission with his arm poised while you loop your own around it, keeping him close. “I am, too. I haven’t felt like this since you kissed me for the first time.”

“I’m sorry, I kissed you?” you reply. “I very vividly remember being cut off mid sentence about serious crimes punishable by law because someone couldn’t help himself.”

“Our study sessions always were interesting,” Nolan agrees, grin boyish. “Ivery vividly don’t remember hearing you complain about it.”

“Only that it took you so long to do it,” you quip.

“Well,” he tells you as you go into the empty elevator and the doors close behind you, already drawing you in. “Who am I to keep you waiting now?”

Some other weekend, the day is bright and gorgeous and neither you nor Nolan are able to to stay in. You move your slow weekend routines out of the apartment for once, going out for brunch and bringing reading material that doesn't involve case files or suspects statements for once.

You walk around the city with a wonder rarely available to you lately and hold each other close. Halfway through the afternoon Nolan disappears across the street in search of your favorite coffee cart, telling you to stay put with a loud kiss to your cheek that leaves you giddy long after he’s gone.

“Hey, sorry,” he says breathlessly when he comes back, carefully keeping both coffees from overflowing. “They had to make a fresh pot just now.”

“‘s alright,” you say after a beat, smiling at him with an unusual shape to your mouth. It makes Nolan pause.

He asks, endearingly concerned. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s–” you begin and then cut yourself off. You look around, calculating. You shake your head, hoping to drop it. “No. Sorry. I just thought–”

Your breaths come out short despite your best tries to keep the previous atmosphere going. Nolan places the coffees on the sidewalk and stands back up, already reaching. He tries to keep his tone even. Calm. “Honey. Is it okay if I touch you?”

“You– yeah,” you blink, almost surprised to see him. The words rush out of you with relief, like you weren’t sure you still had it in you to be verbal. “Yes, please. Please.”

“Come here,” it’s a relief to him too, both your answer and permission. He draws you in with a protective hand on your back and you shudder into the touch, breathing in and out slowly like Dr. Masters taught you. “Great, you’re doing great. I got you.”

“Sorry,” you says again after a while, back in your body. “I thought it was the street where…” you admit. You’re embarrassed, Nolan doesn’t have to see your face to know it. “For a second, I. I saw the alley and it’s– it was literally just that but I was sure…”

You don’t finish your sentence, drifting off, but Nolan knows you too well. Understanding dawns in and he holds you tighter, protective. The perfectly harmless landscape of the city suddenly shifts before his eyes and he starts to panic. He can’t get you out of here fast enough, but maybe if he tries… an Uber would probably be quicker than walking home…

“Nolan,” you cut off his racing thoughts, oddly comforted by the fact that you’re not alone in your freak out, even if Nolan has been rendered useless by his own agitation. “It’s okay. I was wrong, it’s not the street. I’m good.”

“We can go,” he offers, terribly disappointed that your day is about to be cut short but willing to do that and more for your wellbeing. This? In the grand scheme of things this is nothing. You were gonna spend today in bed anyways. “Or– is there something you need, do you want to call–”

“I want to stay,” you say, sure, cupping his face. Your touch helps him breathe, unclogs his throat and opens up his lungs. “I want to be here with you. I want to keep living my life even with… this. It doesn’t get to win.”

Nolan’s eyes burn, but his grin is too big for his face. He kisses you, long and deep and careless of who’s watching. It’s New York, its streets have seen far worse things than a man knee deep in love with his wife. “It doesn’t get to win,” he affirms, catching his breath. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?”

You grin, shaky, bright. “You’ve told me so once or twice.”

Hand on hand, you pass by the alley. The day is beautiful.

One night Nolan gets out of the bathroom to find you already in bed, frowning at your book. He passes a towel through his wet hair as he asks, “Is it any good?”

You only keep frowning. “It’s– I mean, yeah, but I. I don’t know.”

“What?”

“Have I read this before?” you ask him, showing him the cover.

Nolan squints, mouthing the words, then his expression clears. “Oh, I know. Did Munch give it to you?”

“Yeah,” you sound surprised. You hadn’t told him about John’s offhand gift, a tattered copy of a book he lent to you the other week. “ How’d you know?”

“He was reading it to you,” Nolan begins, then shrugs and seems to hesitate before he continues. “At the hospital.”

You make a face like you just tasted something sour. “Oh.”

“A part of you must’ve heard,” he continues, softer, searching your face for signs to shut the hell up. Other than the initial realization, he finds only pensiveness. “Must remember.”

“I don’t know,” you say, thinking of days so far away and so present still, sometimes laying between you in bed. “It’d be silly, wouldn’t it? That my brain chose to retain bits of a book I heard while unconscious rather than… you know.”

Nolan breathes in deeply, holds it, and lets it out. He tries feeling comfortable in the silence you’ve built as he thinks his words through. His therapist told him once that if he expected a fight to start out of a conversation then he’d start fighting before he realized what he was doing. He’s trying to be better.

“What do you remember?” he dares to ask. You tilt your head towards your lap, fingers running over the edges of the book to ground yourself in the movements. “About the hospital?”

Your smile is brittle and you don’t look at him when you say, “I didn’t even remember what had happened at first.”

“When I first woke up after– after. I still don’t, mostly,” He watches you, patient and encouraging even when you can’t meet his eye. “Like, you know what happened. I got shot and spent weeks in there, but I don’t– It’s pretty much a blur.”

You sigh deeply. “But I woke up and I was afraid anyways. Like my body caught up to the situation before my mind did and I just– I was in pain, and I needed to get out,” you retell.

There’s barely a memory there; of Nolan’s hand in yours and the sheer relief in his voice, the smell and sounds of a hospital that are too familiar in your line of work.

“Sometimes,” you begin, and that’s where you cut yourself off, turning to him and smiling, fixing the facade back on. Nolan rushes to stop you before you completely hide from him, cupping your face tenderly.

You meet his eye and you look afraid. Nolan can’t blame you, it hasn’t been long since he stopped physically fleeing the room whenever you even hinted at the shooting. But he stays rooted in his spot, even if just to prove you both wrong.

“Sometimes?” he goads, braver than he feels. You look at him intensely for what feels a very long time, then begin to relax against his touch.

“Sometimes,” you say, slowly, like you’re still expecting him to make an excuse and leave you to your feelings. “Sometimes I feel like I’m still there,” you admit, lip wobbling. “Just. Lying there. Waiting for someone to find me. To realize something’s not right.”

Nolan’s throat closes off. You’re not talking about the hospital, he realizes as his stomach drops. You’re talking about the alleyway.

“It’s what I dream about, usually,” you sniff. Talking about the nightmare is better than having it, but it makes you nauseous nevertheless. You breathe in and out, deeply, a couple of times before you find your words again. “I’m lying there and it takes forever for someone to find me. Sometimes no one ever does and I wake up thinking I haven’t left that alley.”

That’s where Nolan’s perspective comes into view. He watches you wake, though only sometimes because there are nights in which you refuse to bother him despite how adamant he’s been about waking him up when you need him. He watches you wake and draws you back from the metaphorical cliff into his arms and your bed.

You’d never told him about the dreams. This is definitely a first.

He does his best to breathe, to keep eye contact. He meant it, the silent vow he made to himself when you came forward and asked him to go to therapy together. He’s through running away from this. If he keeps leaving you every time you feel like this, what makes him any different than the man who left you in that alley, fighting for your life?

He does his best. “I don’t know if I can help,” he admits shamefully, out loud for the first time but for the thousandth time to himself. “But I’m here.”

You shudder with a sniff. Shifting closer to him, Nolan takes your weight effortlessly, like this is what he was meant for. That, he’s never doubted.

“We found you,” he continues, a comfort that works for him as he hopes works for you. “We brought you home. I know exactly where you are.”

You lose the fight and bury your face in his shoulder, shaking in Nolan’s arms for a long, long time. Crying, he can tell, but quietly. He doesn’t tell you to be loud about it if you want to. He’s done telling you how to live through your grief.

“I kept thinking of you,” you admit later, much later, into his shirt. Nolan closes his eyes, wrecked. “Of who would call you, or if you… If you’d have to… to come claim a body.”

You feel him tighten his grip around you.

“You were the first thing I recognized,” you continue, quiet. You’re toying with his shirt, soothing your fingers over the soft, worn fabric. “When I woke up, amidst all that panic, there was you.”

You huff a laugh against him, breath warm. “I don’t know if I’ve thanked you for that lately. Calming me down. You’ve always been good at that.”

“I don’t feel like I’m doing much,” he admits shamefully.

He feels the way you shake your head, unwavering in your truth. “You do everything. You’re everything.”

“Right back at you, honey,” he says, and you hold each other for a very long time.

Halfway through getting your life back, almost nine months after the shooting that shattered your life to the ground, the team finds and collars the perp.

The same gun he used on you shows up in CODIS for another recent crime and you get a warning text from Fin less than ten minutes before he walks in with the suspect. Rollins is stone-faced by his side, both of them holding on to him despite his very obvious lack of struggle.

He barely even looks at you before he’s glancing away, bored. You remain unrecognizable to him but his features spark a flash of awareness deep in your unconscious and you’re excuse yourself to go dry heave in a bathroom while he gets processed.

Your thumb shakes over the screen of your phone, right on top of Nolan’s contact. You should just call him, you know it. You’ve done it before, and your husband would cross the city during rush hour and bend time to his will just to be by your side and hold you through the panic.

You know, but you can’t. You’ve been doing so good lately, finally; after the year from hell your lives are finally getting a glimpse of normalcy, and this– this is a Setback. Capital S setback, and after everything you’ve put him through… God, you can’t keep doing this to him.

You won’t do this to him. You call your therapist instead and hate every single second of it, hate even more that it works; forty minutes on the phone with her and you exit the bathroom with bloodshot eyes but with your chin held high and hands steady.

Amaro is the first to notice you and he catches your stare immediately, but he only nudges a tower of paperwork from his desk to yours and says, “You snooze, you lose, partner.”

“Dick,” you answer, your voice only a bit nasal. You’re so incredibly thankful for him that you could weep again right there and then.

You sit to get back to work, perp nowhere in sight, and bite the inside of your cheek in thought before you pull your phone back out, sending some rapid-fire texts.

Hey

I love you

You sigh and leaf through the papers, looking for where to start. Working through an equally ridiculous amount of files in his office across the city, Nolan’s eyebrows lift in curiosity at your texts.

I love you too

Is everything alright?

The three dots signifying your reply appear and disappear over the course of a few moments. After a while, his phone chimes again.

Rough day. Just wanted the reminder.

But I’m okay, I promise.

I’ll tell you all about it at home tonight.

Nolan sighs out slowly, and trusts you. Because of it, he watches you grow into your own skin again.

Your visits to Dr. Masters get less and less frequent and the damned paper finally gets signed. The nightmares, though not gone, lessen and don’t make you sick to your stomach anymore as you trace Nolan’s features in the dark to soothe yourself back into a slumber. You tell him everything, become more lenient with your resurfacing memories and in return, you hold Nolan as he talks about those days at the hospital and cries until he physically can’t anymore.

It’s so familiar and so, so new. You’re who you’ve always been and yet Nolan finds himself staring at you sometimes, amazed at the differences– a woman reshaped entirely by trauma and victorious over it nevertheless. Victorious because of it.

When you drag him away from the kitchen sink where dirty dishes sit after dinner, he barely puts up a fight. Nolan eagerly follows you to the couch and sinks into your embrace when you tangle your fingers in his hair, shivering against your welcoming touch.

You’re making out like teenagers– like you used to when you were in college– with no specific purpose until Nolan starts to forget himself. His hands are around your waist, squeezing unconsciously while you, on top of him, swallow his sound of elation and run your tongue along his teeth, wet and dirty.

Jesus, Nolan thinks unabashedly, and wants, wants, wants–

He nudges his leg between your thighs, pants uncomfortably tight, when you call his name. You’re pulling away suddenly, bringing him back from a daze, a hand tangled in his hair. Your fingers twitch with restraint as you look him over, pensive.

Nolan sighs, leaning his temple against yours and trying to get his breathing back into a less agitated rhythm. All he gets is a whisk of your perfume and the warmth of your skin, his efforts useless.

“Right,” he murmurs, voice velvet quiet. He’s still trying to preserve the moment even after your new set of boundaries. “Right. I’m sorry.”

You haven’t gone that far since– Since. Nolan can’t recall the details of the last time you were together, one random night the week you were shot. He didn’t think he’d have to, but now he wishes he had committed the night to memory; your skin under his hands, the sounds you made, how you reached bliss together–

“Don’t be,” you say equally as lowly, pupils blown, gaze ardent. “I want…”

You drift off. It’s suddenly urgent, imperative that Nolan knows what you’re asking for, needs to give it to you immediately.

“What?” he murmurs back, thumbing at your bottom lip, bruised and kissed. Your breath is hot against his skin. “What, honey, what do you want? What can I do?”

“Kiss me again,” You say. Then, before he can comply– “Don’t– don’t stop. I don’t want you to stop.”

“You…” Nolan says, shaking his head to pull himself together, attention still hazy around the edges. Your name tastes so sweet when he says it. “You mean…”

“Please,” you whine, and Nolan’s body reacts to the sound all on its own, hips subtly canting up towards you. You press your mouth to his jaw, tongue barely caressing the skin. “Please, Nole, please keep touching me.”

Nolan curses, both at your words and the realization he might not last as long as he’d like if you keep saying these things to him. “Sweetheart. Oh, are you sure?”

Your breath hitches. “God, Nolan, more than anything else.”

“Come on. Come here,” Nolan insists, turning to kiss you so thoroughly he almost forgets the point he’s trying to make. “I’m gonna do this right, okay? We have a perfectly good bed in the other room–”

He scrambles up and takes your hand, taking you with him. You surrender to him and he kisses your hand, the crook of your elbow, your shoulder and neck, in a rush and yet wanting to make this last as long as possible.

You laugh amidst your urgency, rich and lovely, cupping his face and kissing him soundly, rubbing against him. Nolan is a weak, weak man.

“I love you,” you say while he buries himself inside you later in bed, sheets pooled around the both of you, and looking up at him like you can’t believe he’s real. Nolan’s on top of you and he’s got your fingers tangled together; your hands pinned against the sides of your face. They’re points of steadiness as the tension inside him threatens to snap with each thrust, however small. “I love you, Nole, I love you so much–”

He’s not ashamed to say he’s crying when he finally comes, and you cup his face in your hands with a wounded sound when you realize. You kiss him as you finally let yourself go and it tastes like victory. Like work; like blood, sweat and tears. It feels like being yourself, added scars and all, Nolan’s warmth a steady, sure thing against your side.

started this over a year ago and it's finally yours!!! sorry i've been so absent, i've been having the worst writer's block of my life lol but i hope you love this as much as i do! let me know what you think and i hope you see more from me in the next months! thanks for reading <3

#nolan price x reader #leo writes #nolan price #hugh dancy #law & order #law and order #svu #svu x reader #reader insert #olivia benson #nick amaro #amanda rollins #john munch #donald cragen #fin tutuola #svu imagine #one shot #law and order x reader

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kayyybenson · 2 years ago

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Sick - Nick Amaro

I stood closely behind Nick as he interrogated the suspect. He wanted me to stay behind him, just in case he tries to attack us. He was a step up from the shitty partner I had in Atlanta, and I loved it, Amanda always teased me claiming I had a 'crush' on him. But that's just what twins do to each other, we're not identical appearance-wise, but personality-wise we're practically the same.

"You know we found your DNA on the victim right?" Nick dropped his voice to seem threatening.

"I didn't rape her. I promise."

"Then why did we find your semen in her!?" I yelled.

"I don't know!" I suddenly felt nauseous. I'm assuming I went pale because Nick turned to me, concerned.

"Y/N?" Nick slowly approached me, but I scooted to a corner to throw up the lunch that cost me $20. "Yikes, you good?"

"I don't know." I gasped. He led me out of the room. Amanda and Carisi took our place.

He handed me the trash can that was next to his desk. "Maybe you should go home, you are clearly under the weather."

"No-" I threw up again. "I'm fine."

"Girl, if you don't go home I am personally going to sedate you and drop you off in the middle of nowhere." Fin cut in.

"Jesus Fin," I mumbled, head still in the trashcan.

"Take the rest of the day off Rollins," Liv gave me a concerned look.

"Which one?" She did not like that joke, I groaned and grabbed the keys to Amanda's car, we carpooled today, something we usually don't do. "Tell Mandy I'm taking the car."

"You are not driving when you can't keep your food in your stomach." Nick protested grabbing the keys from me.

"Wha-hey!" I yelled trying to get them back, I guess I moved too fast because I retreated back to my chair and threw up once again.

"Amanda will be taking you home," Liv said. "You both can go, just stop puking in my squad room." I let out a long groan and let Amanda drag me by the arm. Once we got to our apartments she opened my door and led me to the couch.

"I told you the eggs were bad." she chuckled, I groaned and threw a pillow at her. Our apartments were conjointed so she unlocked the middle door and Franny ran in jumping onto me.

"Hey, girl! Oh, I missed you! Hi, baby." I hugged her and rubbed her fur. Eventually, I went to the kitchen and grabbed a Gatorade from the fridge, hoping to get rid of the nausea. When I just felt sicker I stared at the open fridge "Screw it." I grabbed a bottle of wine, not even bothering to pour it into a cup before drinking some, and falling to the couch.

-------------------------

"Hey Y/N."

"Hey, Mandy." She dropped a bag onto my counter. "What's that?"

"I went shopping, Nick is coming in with some bags too. He wanted to check on you." She smirked at me before leaving for her apartment, Franny following close behind. Nick walked in soon after, carrying two more bags.

"You know you shouldn't drink wine when you're sick." I flipped him off and he smiled. "Amanda said you liked (Flavor) ice cream and (Favorite Candy), so we got some of that. And this. He pulled out a huge stuffed animal.

"What is that?"

"A get well soon teddy bear." I covered my mouth and chuckled. "What?"

"Nicky, it's just food poisoning." He pushed the stuffed animal towards me anyway.

"Take it, Amanda said you have a stuffie collection." My face got hot and I avoided eye contact.

"What-I-I have no idea-" I ran to the bathroom and puked again.

"Just food poisoning my ass." He stood behind me, pulling my hair into a ponytail. Once I was done he led me to my bedroom and pushed all my stuffed animals off to the side. I laid down and he tucked me in, setting some water on the nightstand. He went to walk off but I grabbed his hand.

"No, stay. Please,"

"Y/N, there are stuffed animals everywhere, there's nowhere for me to go." I kicked them all off my bed and pat the empty space. He gave me a look and laid next to me.

"You smell expensive," He chuckled and pulled me close to his body, he was warm, and his breathing was calming. "Nick?"

"Yeah Y/N?"

"Why do you care so much?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

"Well, there's a lot of reasons."

"Go on."

"After hearing about how shitty your old partner was I guess I wanted to make sure you have a good experience at SVU, but somewhere in there..... I fell in love."

"With who?" I felt nauseous again and bolted to the bathroom. "Ah, shit!" I yelled when I stubbed my toe.

"I fell in love with you. Look at you, you're gorgeous, I'm glad you and Amanda aren't identical, one is enough." I couldn't hold my laugh in and ended up rolling on the bathroom floor.

"I love you too Nick," I said once I stopped laughing, he leaned in for a kiss but I stopped him. "Nah-uh. Still sick."

#nick amaro imagine #nick amaro x you #nick amaro #law and order svu #svu #amanda rollins #olivia benson #fin tutuola #nick amaro x reader

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stefanmikaleson1864 · 2 years ago

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I��m here for you

Joe Velasco X Reader

A/N: I hope everyone enjoys this !! If you like my work please comment like and reblog it means a lot to see interactions on my work.

Y/N POV

Me and Joe had this will they wont they thing going on for a while now. You felt like the vibes were there but it was hard because he was a quiet guy.

You also were a little reserved so no one had the guts to talk to each other. But slowly by surely the two of you opened up to each other. Talking and texting every chance you got.

It had only been a couple of months and you were head over heels in love.

Lately thought he had gone through a rough patch and you were trying to be there for him without stepping on toes.

Olivia our captain was against me even talking to him. Which i personally didn’t understand.

I Mean I know what he was accused of but i think we all deserve the benefit of the doubt.

I mean just become someone decided to secretly record an interview we should all turn on him. I feel like he deserved to tell his side of the story.

I let everyone in the unit how I was feeling about the situation which was causing a lot of heat in the unit.

“Y/N what did I tell you about staying away” Captain Benson asked.

“All i did was text him to make sure he was doing that’s all” I said

“You disobeyed my orders i told you flat out no communication” She said

“I didn’t ask about the case or anything he’s my friend I ‘m not going to turn my back on him especially when he needs people now” I said in a defensive manner.

Cap just looked at me and I could tell she was trying to find the right next words to say to me.

“Listen to me I am saying this because you are a great detective and you have a great career ahead of you and you need to stay focused okay” She told me

The words she said to me kind of irritated me a little bit but i kept my composer and bit my tongue. I didn’t want to start a fight and cause more tension.

“I understand cap” was all you could muster out at the moment.

“Your dismissed the days over just go home and get some rest and think about what I said.” She said.

“Yes Ma’am thank you” I said

She put her glasses on and started pulling some papers out of her giant stack she had and started focusing on them.

Finn and Amanda both looked at me with worried look on their faces. I think when I walked out I looked a little mad and upset.

“You know she’s right you just gotta focus on you at the moment” Amanda said

Something in you broke a little and what ever you had been pushing down had worked it way up.

Because you looked over at them sitting in their desk and then spoke out

“I find that a bit ironic considering your history of dating you and Nick Aamaro and then getting pregnant by Lt Murphy who you were under by the way. Me and Velscao are friends and im finding it pretty messed up that were just supposed to turn our back on a friend” You snapped.

Finn looked surprised as hell and Amanda was taken back and not sure on what to say next. Which you didn’t even bother giving her the chance.

You quickly gathered your stuff and then headed out. In the background you heard Finn say

“Just let go and let’s go home” He said

You walked out the squad room and headed downstairs. You were to worked up to even wait for the elevator.

You ran down the stairs and then headed out the front door. The fresh air hitting you in the face made you instantly feel a little better. You just headed to the car and threw your stuff in.

You didn’t even think about going home you just began driving. You tried to clear your head to make you feel a little better. ]

Your stomach started growling and you decided to stop for some dinner. There was a local diner that Joe introduced you to.

You pulled up and got out and walked in . It was pretty quiet and you were thankful for not having to deal with people.

You sat in the booth you and Joe always sat in. You were looking at the menu but not really even paying attention.

You tried to push back frustration tears from everything going on. Suddenly a man wearing a hoodie sat across from you which scared the crap out of you

“Omg what the hell” You asked

You heard a familiar laugh and then calmed down immediately when you realized who it was.

“Joe what the hell are you doing here” You asked

You looked up at him he gave you a sad look.

“I guess i just wanted to see you” He said

“Yeah me to but how did you know I was here” You asked

“Because I know you I figured you were just getting off of work and was probably hungry so you came here and sat in our booth” Joe said

You blushed and smiled at him knowing you so well. Or were you that predictable you thought

“How are you with everything” You asked

“It’s been hard you know having to turn on Chilli and not also you know” Joe said

“ you know what” You asked

“Not being able to talk to you. You have no idea how long I have been wanting to talk to you and see you it killed me” Joe said

“It’s not fair that Cap thinks she can just dictate our personal lives you know I missed you to a lot I have been wanting to see you It killed me too not beng able to see you” You told him.

“I don’t want to bring you down with me” Joe said

“You wouldn’t do that I’m here for everything the good and the bad” You said grabbing his hand.

He took your hand and looked up at you and smiled and gave your hand a squeeze.

“I’m here for you always” you said to him

“I know and that’s the problem he said

Your face kind of dropped and it was hard not to feel hurt.

Joe noticed your face and took his other hand and grabbed your free one and squeezed both of them together.

“It’s not like that i don’t wanna drag you down with me I love you to much” He said

You gave him a surprised look followed by a smile

“You love me” You questioned

He laughed a little bit.

“I’m being serious” you said pouting

“I know me to I’m trying to tell you I love you. Like more than friends you know and I don’t wanna be the reason your career goes up in flames” He said

“Listen here Joe Velscao” you said

“Oh my whole government name it’s serious” Joe said smiling

“Shut the hell up and listen I love you so much and you are the best part of me and I am a better person and detective because of you know and I know it’s only been a couple of month but when you know you know and I just know” You said rambling towards the end.

Joe leaped towards you and kissed you hard. You kissed him back and you were both smiling in each other’s faces.

The kiss broke and he sat down.

“Listen Y/N i love you so much and like you said when you know you know and I do feel that way about you which is why I wanna protect you” Joe said

“I’m here i’m a big girl we are going to figure this out together but you gotta tell me the truth that stuff you said in the tapes was it true” You asked

“Yeah it is but to a point i’m clean I never touched drugs ever but with the dad and son Chilli covered my ass and I owe that to him to help and try and cover his” Joe said

“I know you feel like that but you also know what ever is going on in the past you gotta close the wound and it should be on your time not anyones else’s okay but you know what the right thing to do is” You said

“I know I know your right and i know what i gotta do i just don’t the accusations and the rush to judgement” Joe said

“I get that and I agree that’s not fair to you and you shouldn’t have to prove who you are after all the hard work you been doing. But this is where we are so you need to go and sit down and talk to Oliva and be honest with everything and let the cards fall where they do” You said

“Yeah you're probably right and I know it’s just hard actually doing it” Joe said

“I will go in with you tomorrow okay i got you. You won’t go in there alone.” You said

“Thank you” Joe said squeezing my hand

“Now let’s eat I’m hungry that’s the whole reason why i’m here” You said laughing

“Yes Ma’am” Joe said

The waitress came back over and the two of you ordered. Of course she knew what you were getting because it was the same old thing.

“So uh after this little confession is this considered a date” You asked

Joe’s face lit up red and he looked up at you and smiled.

“Nah trust me you deserve a much better place than this for our first official date” He said

“Oh you don’t know what you just walked yourself into. Because i am going to take you to the most expensive restaurant i can in New York” You said laughing

“Oh you the person who orders the most basic food ever you wouldn’t even eat the nice food so good luck with that” Joe said laughing

“Don’t worry about me” You said smirking.

You both couldn’t contain your laughter of that. Joe really loosened up and relaxed and you both dropped the work conversation after that. T

alking about everything from your favorite shows you would watch together.

The food came out just a little bit later and you both shoved your faces with food. It was either really good or you were really hungry.

The rest of the night you both laughed and talked. You also couldn’t help but wonder how Liv was going to take you defying her orders but that didn’t matter right now.

Because there is no one else you would rather be with than Joe. Nothing could keep the two of you apart from each other.

No matter what happed the two of you would always be there for each other

#joe velasco #joe velasco x reader #joe velasco imagine #joe velasco one shot #octavio pisano #law and order svu #svu imagines #svu x reader #svu oneshot #Olivia Benson #Amanda Rollins #fin tutuola #law and order special victims unit

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australiancarisi · 4 months ago

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a little snippet of a sonny x sister!reader

“Don’t tell me to calm down!” Sonny yelled. Amanda stared at her husband. It was rare that Sonny ever raised his voice, especially with her.

“Why are you so upset?” she asked after a moment of silence “you fell in love with your partner, why can’t she?”

“It’s different. We didn’t get together until after I moved to the DAs office”

“So you are gonna try and tell me you didn’t love me when we were partner?” Amanda raised her eyebrows at him. She knew she had him. Sonny ran his hands over his face.

“She’s my little sister ‘manda. My baby sister”

“Who is a grown woman and make make decisions for herself”

“And what if one of those decisions is between saving someone and saving him? What if one of those decisions is between going after a perp or watching him die?”

“Okay, now you are just being dramatic” Amanda rolled her eyes “the job is dangerous, we both know that. But we also both know that a gunman could walk into the mall. Or a drunk driver could hit our car. Or there could be a hurricane. How many of her boyfriends have you actually met?”

“Not many”

“Exactly. She’s afraid to open up and look how you reacted when she did tell you?” Sonny just sighed. Amanda walked over and wrapped her arms around him before continuing. “how about you just tell her you love her and if he hurts her you know how to get rid of him without anyone batting an eye?”

“You’re right”

“I usually am”

can anyone guess the mystery man?

#law and order svu imagines #law and order svu #law and order svu fanfic #Rollisi #sonny carisi x amanda rollins

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megalony · 2 years ago

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Reliving the dream- Part 4

I suddenly felt inspired to write for Rafael Barba and SVU again, I hope you will all like this part. Any requests and comments would be greatly appreciated.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez-blog @jonesyaddiction @ambi-and-sunflowers @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me @hellsdragon @im-an-adult-ish @crazylittlethingg @allauraleigh @onceuponadetectivedemigod @ceres27 @thereisa8ella @qardasngan

@a-brignac

Masterlist

Summary: (Y/n) and Rafael had to recover from losing their baby 2 years ago, but their lives start to change again when (Y/n) finds out she’s pregnant again.

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A smile wormed it way onto Rafael's lips and he paused in his ministrations of undoing his tie when he felt a pair of warm arms securing around his middle. He shivered when he felt (Y/n)'s face pressing between his shoulder blades and her hot breaths fanning against his skin through his dress shirt.

"Hello mi amour," His voice was soft as butter while he threw his tie onto the bed and kicked off his shoes. He had only just walked through the bedroom door and (Y/n) automatically clung to him like he had been gone days instead of hours.

"Hi baby." (Y/n) closed her eyes and inhaled his scent before she tightened her arms around him, not wanting to pull away just yet. She could feel him chuckling quietly and he reached an arm behind him to hold her hip before he slowly turned around in her arms.

With a growing smile, Rafael cupped (Y/n)'s face in his hands and pressed a longing kiss to her lips and he swore she melted against him into a puddle. "How was your day?" He spoke quietly in between kisses and he slowly walked (Y/n) back until her knees hit the bed and she sat down.

Even though she had seen him this morning before work it felt like the hours had dragged until he walked through the door. (Y/n) wasn't ever so keen on being home alone, when they were both at work it was okay because she was busy and around people but if Rafael was working and she wasn't, (Y/n) felt at a loss for what to do. All she wanted was to be wrapped up in his arms lately and the moment he let her go she felt empty.

It didn't dawn on (Y/n) that she was only in her bra and underwear until she watched her husband rake his eyes over her frame and his smile turned into a catfish grin that made her stomach flip. She had been in the process of getting changed after a bath when Rafael came home.

A curious look came across Rafael's lips as he leaned over (Y/n) with his hands resting on her hips and his legs stood between her thighs. He watched intently as she took hold of one hand and moved his palm until it was pressed under her growing stomach. Silence enveloped them and he waited patiently and confused until he felt a small wriggle against his hand that made his face light up.

They were at twenty weeks now so it was about now that (Y/n) would start to feel the baby moving and soon she would feel them kicking and she knew the moment it started, everything would feel real. Up until now she still couldn't get her mind around the fact that they were going to have a baby. That she was going to have a baby.

All she could think about was their baby girl and a repeat of history that would render them childless again.

The chances of having another miscarriage or stillbirth were very slim and extremely unlikely but it didn't make it any easier. (Y/n) wanted to be the kind of woman who could go out and look at baby clothes and buy some in advance without panicking that if she bought even one outfit, she would tempt fate and then she would suddenly have a miscarriage. It didn't feel safe to buy anything or get the spare room set up and decorated, (Y/n) didn't want to do anything until their baby was almost born.

If she was being honest with herself, (Y/n) would rather not get anything ready until she'd gone through labour and was sure they would be able to bring their child home at the end of it all.

Going through labour and ending up with no child at the end didn't even come with feelings, it left (Y/n) and Rafael hollow. They were able to see, hold and cuddle their baby for as long as they wanted but it wasn't the same because they had to savour her touch because one touch had to last a lifetime without her.

"They know their Papi." Rafael smiled charmingly before he pulled back and began to unbutton his shirt.

At their scan next week they would find out if they were having a boy or a girl and though Rafael was excited, he knew (Y/n) was apprehensive. If they had a girl, it would feel like they were replacing Bella and he knew (Y/n) would just be waiting until the day she thought she would miscarry. If they had a boy maybe she wouldn't be so panicked but he wasn't sure.

He wanted her to enjoy the experience like last time, he knew (Y/n) had loved feeling the baby move and watching her body change to look after their baby. He would feel a lot better if (Y/n) was calmer and excited rather than panicked and worried.

"Your mum came round today," (Y/n) slowly rose from the bed with one hand rubbnig soothing circles over her stomach. She made her way over to the chair in front of the window and held out a box to Rafael.

"From mami?" He questioned befoe he took the small blue box from (Y/n)'s hands and set it down on the bed to take a peek.

His breath suddenly got stuck at the back of his throat and he felt himself tense for a few seconds as he looked into the box. Rafael's hands were subtally trembling when he slowly pulled the hand-knitted blanket out of the tissue paper. It was a lovely cream colour with rows in squares and two rows or purple and green bordering around the blanket.

"It's lovely, I cried when I opened it." (Y/n) couldn't speak without her voice breaking and it made tears well up in her eyes.

The blanket was beautiful and it was hand-made which made it all the more special but it hurt.

(Y/n) felt awful when her mother-in-law came round and gave her the gift because she couldn't help but cry when she looked at the blanket. It was touching to have something so lovely that must have taken hours to complete and it would be very special to her child when they grew older. But that was the part that made (Y/n) cry. She didn't know if the baby would be okay or even alive to appreciate this gift.

When they told his mother last time that they were pregnant, she had been over the moon and she made a similar blanket which was champagne white with pink flowers and pink ribbon sewn around the edging. She also made purple slippers for their baby as well but they had been made in vain.

"She's been dying to make some outfits since we told her." Rafael gently folded the blanket back and put it back in the box before he turned towards (Y/n).

"I know, and I want her to make them but we didn't even keep the last blanket she made, we b... I can't do that again."

(Y/n) rubbed at her tired, sore eyes before she sat down on the bed and flopped to lay on her side.

Deep down, (Y/n) wished she had that baby blanket his mother made for them. It might have been something she could hold onto and cuddle when she yearned to have their baby in her arms. It would have been a good source of comfort for them both but they didn't have it anymore. When they lost Bella, they had dressed her in the only outfit Rafael's mother had managed to make for her with how premature she had been and they wrapped her up in the same blanket she had made. Bella was buried with the blanket so she was warm and comfortable.

(Y/n) couldn't go through picking an outfit out and swaddling their next baby up in this blanket to be buried in the ground. She couldn't do it again.

"Querida, we won't have to do that this time." Rafael sat down on the bed beside her and moved his hand to smooth over her stomach. "You can feel them moving about now and we know they're okay. We're gonna have a baby who will be perfect."

A grin broke out on (Y/n)'s face despite the few tears still leaving her eyes and she slowly carded her fingers through Rafael's hair when he shuffled down so that he was level with her stomach. She wasn't sure what he whispered but whatever it was made the baby within her stir before he kissed her stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey hun, you want something to eat?"

Amanda's voice broke (Y/n) out of her thoughts and she tiredly looked up, trying to look around for the blonde who was sitting on her desk across from (Y/n). She had a Chinese takeout pot in her hand and chopsticks in the other that she was clattering together like a crab's pinchers which made (Y/n) smile despite how rough she felt.

Nothing she had been eating recently had stayed down long enough to digest, everything came back up and (Y/n) was feeling worse for wear because of it. She just prayed that Rafael wouldn't come down to the precinct today because she promised him if she didn't manage to keep breakfast down then she would stay home. But she didn't want to be home alone, if anything happened to the baby she didn't want to be alone and work was the best place to be when she was around her friends. It wasn't like she was doing any hard work either when she was bound to desk duty for the foreseeable future.

"No, thanks I'm good." It was tempting, (Y/n) was always partial to some noodles but she didn't want to take the risk. It would be better to fast for the day and let her stomach settle than risk eating something and throw it up later.

"You sure (Y/n)? There's some rice or some plain noodles if you want." Carisi perched himself on the edge of (Y/n)'s desk and held a container out towards her with a bright smile and a fork in his hand because he couldn't work the chopsticks properly.

"No... w-what have you got?" (Y/n) couldn't help the way her lips pulled into a frown when the smell hit her nose like a truck.

It never normally affected her but even the simplest food seemed to smell so horrid to (Y/n) now she was pregnant and it was making bile rise in her throat. All she wanted to do was eat, her stomach was growling with hunger and it was making her head spin but she couldn't when throwing it up again later felt so awful. Her throat burned from the acid when she was sick and her stomach seemed to turn in knots.

Starving herself until she was better would work because she had tried to eat little and often but it only meant she was sick more often. Even water wasn't staying down recently either.

"Sweet and sour chicken, want some?"

The moment Carisi moved the container towards her, (Y/n) leaned back and held her breath so she wouldn't smell the food and she pushed it back towards him, hoping he would get the hint and move it away.

"Sorry Carisi but it smells, could you...?"

"Yeah, yeah sure, sorry. Why don't you try some crackers?" He could see she was feeling a bit queasy and he also knew she hadn't eaten anything for lunch yet. Going without wouldn't be the best idea, at least some crackers would line her stomach and be easier to hold down.

It felt good to eat a few prawn crackers, (Y/n) could feel the tension leaving her body and her stomach- and the baby, seemed to settle a bit more when she ate a few. It was so tempting to gorge out and eat the whole bag but (Y/n) knew better than to do that because it wouldn't help and it was daring to want to try some rice and noodles but she had to pace herself and take it slow. Maybe this afternoon she could try and eat something else.

That was a mistake.

(Y/n) pressed her palm to her forehead and closed her eyes, trying to take a few deep breaths but she could feel the panic bubbling up in her stomach. Eating had been a mistake and it had barely been twenty minutes since she had those crackers and they were churning in her stomach already.

She was going to be sick and she knew it. Pushing herself up onto unsteady feet, (Y/n) tried to smile and walk slowly but she broke out into a sprint for the toilets when she could feel bile rising at the back of her throat and bubbling up into her mouth.

She didn't make it to the toilets.

Her knees caved in next to the water fountain that held her weight for her as she clung to it and heaved onto the floor. Even the cup of water she had managed to have this morning came back up with vengence and everything spilled out onto the floor until she was coughing and spluttering. Her skin was burning against the cold fountain beside her and (Y/n) could feel her body beginning to shake.

"(Y/n)?"

"Fuck," (Y/n) choked on the word as well as the water that was still trying to escape her lips.

(Y/n) tried to lift her head to see her husband hurrying towards her but her head felt like it was suddenly full of lead and weighing towards the floor. Even her eyes burned when she looked up through hooded lashes to see a blurry image of Rafael coming at her at full speed.

"Querida, look at me." Rafael's voice was gently but full of worry when he reached her side. He dropped his briefcase to the floor and in an instant his arms were around her waist, keeping her to his side. "Come on, mi amour." His voice was soft and gentle and he let her lean her weight onto him and guide her slowly down the corridor to the toilets.

The moment they got into the toilets, (Y/n) felt like the room had spun on its axis and the only thing keeping her up when her legs caved in was Rafael's arms that swooped under her armpits and hoisted her up so she didn't collide with the toilet.

"Fuck! Sweetheart, you still with me?" He wasn't sure if she had fainted or if her energy had dwindled but when she buckled, he held her back to his chest before he slowly lowered her down to her knees in front of the toilet. Sighing in relief when he heard a small whimper from her lips before her head flopped on the toilet rim and she threw up again.

With a deep breath left Rafael's lips before he kneeled down in the small cubicle with her and gently pulled her hair away from her face.

She didn't look well. Her skin was blotched with sweat and she was burning up and her tired eyes could barely stay open and even though she had been sick, her lips were clearly dry and chapped telling him she hadn't been drinking enough.

It broke Rafael's heart when (Y/n) started to cry mixed with choked breaths when she felt like she could barely breathe at all. If he'd have known she was this bad he wouldn't have gone to the office this morning, he would have stayed home with her and made sure she either ate something or went to the hospital to be checked up because this wasn't good.

"Alright sweetheart, it's okay let it out. I'll talk to Liv and take you to hospital."

(Y/n) didn't want to be like this, she didn't want to be or feel like a burden because she should be able to look after herself and the baby, Rafael shouldn't always have to come to her rescue but it was good that he did. She didn't know where she would be without him.

It took a lot of effort for (Y/n) to push herself away from the toilet and lean back into Rafael but she instantly felt better and relaxed when she leaned into his chest and he wrapped his arms around her. She could feel him kissing her damp forehead and muttering something in Spanish against her hair but she couldn't work out what he said, all she could hear was static in her ears. Her head snuggled further into his chest and a murmur vibrated against her throat but she didn't know what she was trying to say.

"What?" Rafael leaned his chest back and tilted his head down to try and look at (Y/n) to work out what she said but his body tensed and his muscles tightened when she went limp against him and her head lolled against his chest. "Oh, sweetheart."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Rafi?"

"How do you feel, Querida?"

(Y/n) leaned into his touch when his hand smoothed over her cheek and he moved to sit on the edge of the bed she appeared to be laying in. She stayed quiet for a few moments, trying to work out what was happening and remember what she was doing before she woke up here.

She could remember throwing up at the precinct and being in the car with Rafael but everything else was made of cotton wool and clogged up in her mind.

"W-what...?" Her hazy vision looked down at her hand but she shuddered when she saw a needle stuck into her vein on the back of her hand connected to a drip. What were they giving her?

"No, no Querida leave it in, please." Rafael was quick to grab both her hands and hold them on his lap to stop her from trying to take out the IV. He couldn't have her rip it out like he'd seen her do before, there would be blood everywhere and it would only serve to hurt her. It was there to get her fluids up and to get the anti-emmetics into her system so she could start to eat properly without throwing everything back up again.

"How long have we been here?"

"About three hours I think. I brought you to the emergency room and they brought you up here, you're on an IV for fluids and some anti sickness meds so you can start to eat soon. They want to keep you in overnight and make sure you actually keep something down before we go."

He hadn't expected her to remember what happened this afternoon, she had seemed very out of sorts the few times she woke up.

He managed to get her in the car with the help of Carisi and she briefly woke up and then again when they were waiting downstairs in the emergency room. When she woke up again when they moved her into this room Rafael had pinned her down so they could put the cathiter in her vein and since then he'd made a few phone calls and waited for her to come back around again.

"I don't want to stay, Rafi, baby please-"

"You can baby me all you want but we're not leaving until they say you're ready." The way he rose his brow and quirked his lips made (Y/n)'s stomach flutter before she suddenly moved both their hands to rest on her tummy. It only now dawned on her that something may have happened or gone wrong with their baby. "The baby's fine." It was as if he could read her mind and see all the worries floating around and he wanted to quell each one to make her feel better.

He would burn the world down if she asked him to.

His smile suddenly softened and (Y/n) could see his eyes glossing over before he leaned closer until theri foreheads were touching.

"They did a quick ultrasound to double check everything was okay... we're having a baby boy, Querida."

#rafael barba #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba x you #rafael barba imagine #rafael barba one shot #imagine #law and order #law and order svu #Olivia Benson #sonny carisi #Amanda Rollins

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idontevenknowwhatt · 2 months ago

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Amanda Rollins Masterlist

** means 18+

x reader

None yet

x daughter

Not Worth It

#amanda rollins x daughter #amanda rollins #Amanda Rollins x reader #law and order special victims unit #law and order svu imagine #law and order svu #kelli giddish #Amanda Rollins x daughter!reader #Amanda Rollins x y/n #y/n #isabella benson rollins #fanfiction #masterlist

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scentofdriedflowers · 2 years ago

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Oh no I just realized... i won't ever see the blazers of the week too with Amanda's gone😭 I was always so curious which blazers would she wear every new episode because she always looked amazing, there were like 3/4 every episode, Amanda the queen of blazers now no more 😞, she will be the best dressed professor at Fordham tho 😄

#imagine having a professor like that #my professors never looked like that 😭 lol #amanda rollins #law and order svu #svu

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bi-bard · 4 months ago

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Taste Test - Rafael Barba Imagine [Law & Order: SVU]

Title: Taste Test

Pairing: Rafael Barba X Reader

Word Count: 1,075 words

Warning(s): none that I'm aware of

Summary: The SVU detectives go to visit their favorite ADA at his office. They end up finding out more about him than they ever planned to.

Author's Note: I needed something fast and cute to give me a break from some of the longer stories that I'm working on (there is a doctor who oc story and a grimm story in the works right now). I'm also on the tail end of my master's program, so it's all a little bit hectic right now.

---------------------------

I rarely ever had the time to visit Rafael at his office.

Even without considering his frantic and busy work schedule, mine simply never allowed it. I owned the bakery that my dad had opened years ago. I took over after his retirement and I hadn't stopped moving at top speed since. It was always looking at the menu or staffing or some crisis that needed to be fixed right then and there.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I would have a day where I had enough people and a slow enough flow of customers that I could pack a little bag of treats and a few drinks and go see him at lunch.

Today was one of those very lucky days.

Rafael's office door was slightly open when I got there. I knocked on it lightly, pushing it just enough to peak my head through.

"Hello- (Y/n)." he stood up as soon as he saw me. "What are you doing here?"

"Slow day," I replied with a shrug. "Thought that I could tempt you into a break with some food and coffee."

"If there's a day that I say no to that, assume that someone has replaced me with a clone."

"Noted," I chuckled, placing the bag and the drink carrier on the round table in the corner. I handed him one cup. "Here, try this. It's a potential drink for the summer menu."

"Alright." he took a small sip of the drink. He nodded. "It's good. What is it?"

"It's basically a latte but made with rose milk and rose foam."

"How... How do you make rose milk?"

"Shh, don't ask questions," I said as I sat down in one of the table's chairs. Rafael chuckled as he sat next to me. "Do you really like it?"

"It's great," he promised.

"Good," I mumbled. "I was a bit worried about it."

"You have reason to be." Rafael grabbed my hand over the table. "You are a genius when it comes to making up drinks."

"I hope you feel the same way about my ability to make up food," I replied, reaching into the bag that I had brought with me. I put down a napkin and plopped a muffin on the top.

"Oh, absolutely," he let go of my hand to pick up the muffin. I chuckled as he did. He took a bite and hummed. "This is a winner."

"Glad to hear." I leaned over and swiped some crumbs off of his chin with my thumb. "But you do praise all of my food."

He hummed again as he took another bite, nodding before he was able to speak, "Because all of your food is amazing."

I grabbed my drink, taking a sip before changing the subject, "How has your day been? Anything important happening?"

"Not yet-"

"Barba-"

We both looked to the door as a group of people walked in. There were three of them; two women and a man.

"Perfect timing," Rafael mumbled to me. I would have chuckled if I hadn't been so caught off guard.

"Hello," one of the women said.

"Hi," I replied, standing up as I did.

The woman looked at Rafael. "I didn't know that you had a meeting."

"It's... It's not a meeting," I explained quickly. I always spoke quickly when I was nervous and having three people suddenly walk into the room with no warning made me very nervous. "I was just stopping by for lunch."

"Detectives," Rafael stood up behind me, touching my back. "This is (Y/n). My partner. (Y/n), these are some of the detectives from the S.V.U. Olivia Benson, Amanda Rollins, and Sonny Carisi."

"Nice to meet you all."

"You too," Olivia nodded at me. "I hope he hasn't been hiding you from us."

I chuckled. "No, no, not at all. I- I own a little bakery and cafe place not too far from here. I tend to be pretty swamped, but I had some downtime, so I stopped by for lunch."

"I thought that I recognized you!" Sonny pointed at me. "I've been by your shop."

"Oh, good, hope you liked it."

"Oh, loved it," he said. He turned to the other detectives. "There was this awesome sandwich thing on the menu during the fall. I've been craving it for months."

"I'll make note of that, so I remember to bring it back this year," I promised. "In the meantime, I'd be happy to treat you all to some food and drinks. I'm starting to sort out the summer menu; you should all come over sometime and test out some of the ideas I have."

"You don't have to-"

"I want to," I stopped Olivia in her tracks. "You guys work with Rafael so much that we might as well be friends. Plus, I need some other guinea pigs than just him. I'm sure Rafael would be more than happy to sort out a night for you and anyone else on your team to join us."

He looked over at me, pausing before he replied, "Over the moon."

"See?"

"Alright then," Olivia nodded. I glanced over to see Sonny trying to subtly celebrate the good news.

"I should get out of the way," I touched Rafael's shoulder as I spoke before going to grab my drink. "I'm sure whatever you all need to talk about is more important than my seasonal menu."

"I'll walk you out." Rafael guided me to the door.

We walked together to the point where we were just out of view of the windows in his office. I turned around and placed a quick kiss on his lips.

"I'll see you tonight," he muttered.

"Can't wait," I mumbled back. "Don't forget about the little tasting event that we're hosting."

"I won't," he promised, leaning over to kiss me again. He added a second kiss to my temple. "I love you."

"Love you too," I said before pulling away properly.

My phone started ringing as soon as I started walking out.

"I'm already on my way back," I answered before any question could be asked.

"Thank God." I heard from the other end. "Someone is promising to come back and have a stern talk to you."

"Great, sounds fun. I'll be there in a few minutes."

I let out a huff as I hung up and started jogging down the street.

Sometimes these short lunch dates were the only thing keeping me from running for the hills.

---------------------------

Author's Note: The drink I described is actually an actual drink at local coffee shop in my area! I am not clever enough to make it up myself.

---------------------------

TAG LISTS:

Everything - @geeksareunique

---------------------------

Navigation Guide

What I Write For

Original Characters Masterlist

#imagine #fanfiction #x reader #rafael barba imagine #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba fanfiction #law and order svu imagine #law and order svu fanfiction #law and order svu x reader #law and order imagine #law and order fanfiction #law and ordeer x reader

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cathrrrine · 11 months ago

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based on this incorrect quote i posted

how the svu characters would react to your “would you still love me if i was a worm?” text

Sonny Carisi

Amanda Rollins

Nick Amaro

Fin Tutuola

Rafael Barba

Olivia Benson

Elliot Stabler

Part 2!

#law and order svu #law and order special victims unit #dominick sonny carisi #law and order svu imagine #olivia benson #amanda rollins #fin tutuola #elliot stabler #nick amaro #rafael barba #svu characters #text imagines #x reader #edited by me!#cat’s text fics: svu

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serenasoutherlyns · 3 months ago

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have my cake/eat it too

Cabenson, mature. ao3

Alex Cabot was going to drive her insane. She knew it must be happening, but she didn’t need to see it with her own two eyes. Alex at the bar next to some woman, Olivia couldn’t place where she recognized her from. She had dark features-- like Olivia herself. Alex wore that blue silk dress that exposed just the right amount of skin, her collarbones, her elegant shoulders. She had worn that dress on a particularly enjoyable date. She had her hair curled and pulled half back. Olivia felt her ears burn, and left. Whatever, right? It’s not like she owned her. Technically, they weren’t even together, right now. It wasn’t like Olivia wasn’t doing it too. She still felt sharp, twisting anger.

Callie was a journalist she knew. She had short brown hair that was showing early signs of gray at the temples. Shorter than Olivia, and curvy. Olivia called her and was unsurprised at her immediate answer, nor how she came over within the half-hour. Olivia kissed her with energy, nipping, sucking. Callie matched her intensity all night and left as fast as she came. Olivia couldn’t help falling asleep with Alex’s lithe body filling her head. It made her sick.

---

At work, she tried her best to act normal, professional. Alex was cold and simple in their conversations: did you get the file, what did the suspect’s lawyer say, good job on the witness stand. Olivia was similar. Despite this, there was a simmering tension that Munch picked up on. What was going on, he wanted to know. Olivia brushed it off as nothing. Munch was less than satisfied. What’s more, Alex didn’t stop driving her crazy. Olivia found herself nearly salivating at Alex’s tight sweaters and the way she would tuck her hair behind her ears, at the click of her heels on the cement floors of the precinct. She wanted her so bad. But they weren’t together. Right now. It was just too complicated-- they had agreed on this.

It was good to know she still had it, Olivia thought, after picking up a stranger at the lesbian bar one night. The woman was tall and blonde, but Olivia justified it with the fact that they looked nothing alike in the face. Olivia was on autopilot, this time, her mind swimming with Alex, Alex, Alex.

---

They couldn’t avoid working late together forever. Olivia couldn’t help herself: she brought it up.

“I saw you, at Penelope’s. With a woman,” Olivia mentioned in a quiet moment. Alex sighed back.

“I thought we were sticking to work at work,” was her reply.

“It’s not like we talk outside of work,” Olivia said.

“That’s true. Why do you care that I had drinks with a woman?”

“I think you could guess, Alex.”

“We’re not together, Olivia.” Olivia looked at her with what she could only imagine was seething anger, because Alex seemed taken aback for a moment, then she smiled. “You agreed, it’s too complicated.”

“Yeah, well. I didn’t need to see it.”

“It’s not like I meant for you to,” said Alex, laughing with indignation.

“I mean, she looked like me, Alex, just say you want me back.”

“No,” said Alex. “Now can we get back to work?”

“Fine,” said Olivia, “fine.”

She didn’t mean for Rollins to be one of them, but she was unsurprisingly insistent and tipsy when she called, and Olivia was just horny enough to let her come over. She wondered if it had been a spur of the moment decision for the other detective or if she had a crush. She didn’t care that much. So much for limiting complications, so much for not sleeping with her coworkers-- whatever. Things would be fine, they were both adults.

The woman was surprisingly gentle, though clumsy. Olivia got her into bed giggling. A reddish-purple spot bloomed on Amanda’s neck, and Olivia found she didn’t regret it. Amanda wore a comfortable-looking gray turtleneck to work the next day, and they shared a little knowing glance.

---

Jack McCoy was running for reelection again, and Olivia wasn’t surprised to get an invite to the big fundraiser downtown. The campaign rented some big hotel ballroom. It was a little gauche, but that was to be expected. She appreciated the excuse to dress up a little, and the excuse to bring a date. Amanda was as easy as anyone else. They had talked about their rendez-vous, and decided to leave it at once, but she didn’t mind her company for a night out. She really didn’t regret it when she saw the scowl on Alex’s face when she saw the two of them sharing a joke.

“Counselor,” said Amanda, who knew nothing about the situation, beyond rumors. “Bad hors d'oeuvres?” Those cop manners, Olivia cursed.

“Hi, Detective,” Alex said curtly, not answering her question. “How are you doing?” The words were cold and slicing. Olivia got some satisfaction out of it. Jealousy was a two-way street, it seemed.

“I’m alright,” said Amanda. “Liv tried to class me up for the night.”

“I see that,” said Alex.

“It didn’t take,” said Amanda, “it usually doesn’t.” She let out her charming grin, and Alex’s expression soured even further.

“I think you look lovely,” said Olivia, playing into the game. She almost saw Alex roll her eyes. “Darling.”

“Well, nice to see you, detectives,” Alex said before pretending to see someone across the room and striding off with purpose. Olivia watched her walk away.

“What the hell is her deal?” Amanda asked her when she was (barely) out of earshot.

“Oh,” said Olivia, “my guess is bad hors d'oeuvres.”

---

Olivia pulled Alex in by her waist, kissed her with intention, though languidly, lips moving slowly, enjoying every millimeter of her, every little movement. Alex moaned softly, and it sent a shiver through Olivia. Alex’s soft hands interlaced behind Olivia’s neck, pulling her impossibly closer, letting Olivia’s tongue into her mouth, exploring the familiar space eagerly. They dropped down onto the couch and their hands roamed more, eventually, Olivia’s hand was hot under Alex’s shirt, feeling urgently. Alex moaned again, louder this time, and Olivia needed the fabric gone. Without even telling her to, Alex pulled the thin v-neck over her head. Olivia kissed her shoulder, then looked up, making eye contact with her, admiring her kiss-swollen lips and glassy eyes.

Her alarm went off. Olivia blinked in the early morning dark. She couldn’t shake it off all day.

---

Olivia was incensed. This was her coffee shop, she had been the one to introduce Alex to it. And here she was, with Abbie Carmichael. How dare she, honestly. Olivia was just trying to enjoy her Saturday afternoon. It wasn’t even some stranger like last time, but someone they both knew. She must be visiting from Washington. Olivia didn’t want to talk to them, but Abbie stopped her.

“Liv, hey,” she said in that raspy drawl of hers, “long time no see.”

“Abbie,” Olivia said, trying to keep the contempt out of her voice. “It’s nice to see you.” Alex was staring into her mug like it was going to tell her what to do. “How’s Washington?”

“Busy,” said Abbie with a laugh. “Crazy.”

“Better to be busy than idle,” Olivia said. Alex looked up. Her face was pink.

“That’s what my mother says,” said Abbie. “We should get drinks while I’m here.”

“That sounds like a great time,” said Olivia. “Well, nice to see you two,” said Olivia, and waved. As she left, she shot a look back at the table. Alex had a hand on her forehead.

---

“Olivia, can I talk to you?” Alex asked that Monday. Olivia expected it to be work, but it wasn’t. Alex walked into her office and crossed her arms in front of her. “What the fuck is your problem, Olivia?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” she said, fake-oblivious.

“Bullshit,” said Alex. “You know I wasn’t even on a date with Abbie? That was just friendly. You embarrassed me in front of a friend, it was so out of line!” Alex’s voice was a whisper but she may as well have been yelling.

“Out of line is you interrogating my date at the fundraiser,” said Olivia.

“Yeah, because you were being so mature.” Olivia scoffed at her.

“Why do you even care?” Said Olivia. “What’s your problem, Alex?”

“You’ve been trying to make me jealous.”

“I haven’t, but good to know that you are,” said Olivia. At that moment she realized they were inches away from each other. Her eyes flitted to Alex’s lips, then her eyes, briefly to her hands. She opened her mouth to talk, but was cut off by Alex kissing her. It was a quick but intense kiss. They were lucky it was late because Alex’s blinds weren’t closed. Olivia pulled her in again and Alex let out a muffled mmph sound.

“You’re,” said Alex breathily, pulling back, “You’re infuriating.”

“Then go,” said Olivia. “If I piss you off so bad.”

“It’s my office,” said Alex.

“True,” said Olivia, who dropped Alex’s hand and turned to go. Alex gripped her stronger. “Do you want me?” said Olivia, her tone a mile away from moments ago.

“Desperately,” said Alex. “Do you know how, how mad I’ve been?” She laughed a little.

“I think I have some idea,” said Olivia.

---

“So, do you think it’s too complicated still?” said Alex in the morning.

“No,” said Olivia, “I think you’re worth any complication.”

“Sap,” said Alex, kissing her shoulder.

“What time is it?” Olivia asked. Alex rolled over to look at the clock.

“7:30,” she said.

“Good,” murmured Olivia, “plenty of time.”

#cabenson #cabenson fanfiction #alex cabot #olivia benson #amanda rollins #side of rollivia #sficx

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x-bluefire-heart-x · 5 months ago

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You're Drunk

Alrighty this chapter of Dating App pretty much wrote itself! I really enjoyed writing it so I hope you all enjoy reading it. There is a several week timeskip and this is also where the timeline fuckery happens. Pease ignore everything about why Carisi is around so early cause I kinda of forgot that I wanted to rewrite some scenes from the earlier seasons before Carisi is in it, but like...I love Carisi and I have other plans so.....Timey Whimey wibbley wobbley stuff begins.

Also pretty sure this is my longest chapter think it is like 6000 words.

Let me know if there is anything in particular you would like to see in this series. Like an episode of the show with her put in it or just something random. Also let me know if you want to be added to the tag list for this.

Warnings: Drinking, talk of sex, sexual implications, teasing, drunk conversations. I think that is it, if I missed something let me know.

Master List

Prompt List

Chapter List: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10

Tag list: @pear-1206

“That is the fourth time you have checked your phone in the past two hours,” Lily pouted as she placed drinks on the table, Shannon and Courtney trailing behind her each carrying a cocktail and a shot. The four of you had made plans to go out for drinks the next time your schedules all aligned. Shannon and Courtney desperately wanted all the details on you and Rafael. The last time you able to catch up it hadn’t been the time to discuss such details. You friends were gossips but they thankfully understood that there was a time and place for such conversations, like drinking at a bar.

“I know, I’m sorry,” you quickly shoved your phone back into your pocket. “Rafael had a tough day in court, Liv said the team was taking him out for drinks since we already had these plans.”

“Aw, and you’re worried about him,” Shannon cooed, she was a little further gone than the rest of the group, she was smaller and had a lower tolerance. “When do we get to meet him?”

“Soon, I promise,” you smiled. “I just-”

“Wanna keep all that deliciousness for yourself?” Courtney asked wiggling her eyebrows.

“Did she tell you two about how he got on his knees to take off her shoes?” Lily grinned. The other two both gasped, nearly shouting no as they turned to you expectantly.

“Lily!” you groaned, giggling a little. You were going to tell them. Just after a few more drinks.

“Take your shot and tell us!” Shannon bounced. “Come on.” You all picked up the mystery shot Lily had brought over, you thought it would be best to never know what was in the things she brought. A little like the cocktails Lily made when you all last got drunk together and you ended up downloading the dating app. You shook your head and knocked back the shot coughing a little when the strong burst of alcohol hit your throat.

“Alright, geeze,” you nodded, sipping your cocktail. The other three leaned in close, even Lily who you had told before, there were benefits to working with your best friend. You kept the details limited, not telling them everything but you painted the scene perfectly. You all finished your drinks and ordered another during the time it took for you to fill in your friends on not only your first time but near about everything that happened since.

“Damn girl!” Shannon sighed, pushing her long red hair over a shoulder. “You lucked out with this man. I don’t think my first time ended in spectacular orgasms.”

“I mean, mine did but that was just because I was with a woman for my first time,” Courtney grinned. “And when I finally slept with a man, I was assertive in what pleased me but still wasn’t great.”

“Yeah, it took maybe my third boyfriend before I started being able to orgasm with a man,” Lily agreed.

“Oh,” you tilted your head biting your lip. “I’m never letting him go then. I mean orgasms are great by myself but with Rafi, they’re something else.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Shannon playfully shoved you. “Keep bragging.”

“As if you three can talk,” you wagged your finger at them. “I had to hear all about your sexual exploits. I’m totally bragging about how he made me orgasms several times before he fucked me.”

The four of you burst into a fit of giggles before you all cheered and took another round of shots and moved onto other topics of conversation throughout the night. It had been a few hours since the night started, more rounds of shots had happened and bowls of fries, pizzas and other table snacks had been consumed to at least attempt to soak up some of the drinks. Your phone buzzed against the table, the screen lighting up with a picture of Rafael that you had taken when he wasn’t looking. His contact’s name visible for the world to see ‘Sexy Lawyer’, you hadn’t changed it since he put his number in it.

“Ooh, it’s mister magical fingers!” Courtney oohed as you picked it up.

“Hush,” you waved for your friends to be silent. “Hey babe.”

“…Chica,” Rafael sounded a little confused before he chuckled a little. “Are you still with your friends?”

“Ask him if he has any single friends that are as good in bed as he is,” Shannon tugged on your arm.

“Shh!” Lily whispered. “You’ll make her turn on her librarian voice. It’s scary.”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Rafael’s amused voice called your attention again.

“Yep, are you? Ooh!” your attention taken again. “Is Liv there? And Amanda? Do they wanna come and join us girls?”

“No invite for me? I see how it is,” Rafael feigned offense.

“We’re having girl talk and a girl’s night,” you waved your hand around. “I’ll make it up to you.”

“Oh Chica,” Rafael’s soothing voice cooed through the phone at you. “You’re drunk, aren’t you?”

“Duh, we’ve been drinking for…a few hours by now,” you rolled your eyes.

“Wait, the whole team can come!” Lily interrupted. “That way you can meet the rest of his friends, we can meet him and his friends. Win-win.”

“Ooh yes!” Shannon agreed, with Courtney nodding beside her. You could hear Rafael chuckling in the background, it was slightly muffled and you could hear other voices, one that sounded a little like Liv.

“Rafi,” you whined, pouting a little when he didn’t respond straight away. “Rafi…are you coming?” You forgot you hadn’t actually asked if he and the team wanted to join you and your friends but after Lily’s suggestion it sounded perfect and all you wanted was to cuddle with Rafael. Your friends sniggered, taking your words in a much different context to what you had meant them to be.

“Now I’m invited, am I?” Rafael’s voice finally answered you. “I don’t know, you didn’t seem keen at first.”

“Rafi, don’t tease,” you continued to pout. “Will you please come and join us? Liv and the team as well?”

“Ask nicely, Chica,” Rafael was enjoying this far too much. He didn’t realise that when you were drunk you had very little filter.

“Oh please, please, Rafi,” you lowered your voice only slightly, your tone slipping into the tone you used when begging Rafael to let you cum. “Please come and join me. I miss you. I need you. To be here. With me, with your arms wrapped around me.”

Your three friends stared at you, mouths open and eyes wide in shock. They had never heard you speak with such a tone before or say such things before, especially in public.

“Baby,” Rafael groaned. “You can not speak to me like that when I am near my friends.”

“But you said to ask nicely,” you pointed out. “I’ll keep doing it unless you say you’re all coming.” There was some commotion on his side of the phone before you could hear him speaking in Spanish.

“Hey, it’s Liv,” Liv’s voice replaced the Spanish, her tone definitely amused.

“Liv!” you cheered perking right up at the sound of her voice. In the several weeks since you had meet her, the two of you had met up for coffee and Liv had been over for dinner a few more times when schedules aligned. During this time the two of you had bonded quickly, and you really enjoyed being around the older woman.

“We’re all heading your way, you’re still at the same bar?” Liv assured you. “And thank you for giving me so much more material for teasing Rafa with.”

“Yep, we haven’t moved except to get more drinks,” you assured her. “And you are most welcome.”

You both ended the call, well, you’re pretty sure Rafael wanted to speak to you more but Liv hung up the phone before he could get it back. You grinned at your friends.

“They’re on their way,” you nodded to the cheers of your friends.

“Oh my, he is even better in person,” Lily murmured causing everyone to turn towards the entrance of the bar just in time to see Rafael and five other people walk in. You perked up, almost bouncing in your seat as you waved your hand to get their attention.

“Rafi, Liv!” you called drawing their attention to your table ignoring the other patrons giving you looks. All that mattered was that Rafael made eye contact with you and sent you that impossibly soft smile of his, as his entire face softened and his whole body seemed to relax. Liv was right beside him and was able to see the complete change in him as he saw you and she laughed lightly at how excited you were to see him as well. Nearly bouncing in your seat as you grinned at him.

“She is adorable,” Amanda whispered.

“Just wait until you see them together,” Liv whispered back. “Cutest bloody couple ever.”

“Does this mean we will get to try her food now?” Finn asked.

“Of course that’s your concern,” Nick rolled his eyes.

“Man, I got my priorities right,” Finn shrugged. “The food Liv and Rafael bring into the office smells divine.”

Rafael moved right to your side, sliding his arm around your waist and pressing a kiss to your temple as you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, almost falling but Rafael kept you on the seat by pressing himself as close to you as possible. Since you and your friends were sitting on stools you were roughly the same height as Rafael which made it easier to snuggle into him and press kisses along his neck before pulling away to make grabby hands at Liv.

“Liv, hi!” you smiled as she came around to your other side to hug you.

“Hey, there, you all been drinking water tonight yeah?” she asked looking over you and your friends.

“Of course,” Courtney was making near heart eyes at Liv and you couldn’t blame her, that woman was gorgeous.

“Guys this is Rafael, and this is Olivia,” you introduced the only two people you could. “Everyone, this is Lily, Courtney and Shannon.” You then turned pointedly to Rafael, who just narrowed his eyes at you in slight confusion. “Rafi, introductions.” You pouted lightly removing your arms from around Liv to wrap them around your man again, trying your best to look up at him from under your lashes.

“Alright, alright Chica,” he chuckled gently stroking your cheek. “This is Nick, Amanda, Carisi and Finn. This is Lily, and her friends.”

You smiled at him pressing a kiss to his cheek before turned to look at the other members of his friend group who were all sitting around the table, Liv next to you closest to Shannon, Nick and Amanda sitting in the two free seats next to Lily, Finn sitting at the other end of the table and Carisi sitting on the free seat next to Courtney. And Rafael was happy standing next to you with his arm wrapped around your waist.

“We need drinks,” Lily said. “Finn, help a girl out.” Finn just shrugged and followed the woman to the bar. You couldn’t help but smile at your bossy friend as she led Finn to the bar smiling up at him.

“Be careful with what Lily brings back,” Courtney warned. “She always buys potent cocktails.”

“But yummy!” Shannon assured.

“I’ll get us some water,” Liv laughed. “I daresay we’re all gonna need them. And maybe some more food.”

“Ooh, yes more food!” you nodded. “I’m definitely hungry again.”

“We’ve had like two pizzas and two bowls of fries and a bowl of wings,” Courtney quickly listed off on her hands. “How are you still hungry?”

“Don’t know but I am,” you pouted. “So…more food?”

“Noted, when you get drunk you get hungry,” Rafael smiled. “I’ll come with you, to help carry the glasses. I’ll be back, love.”

You narrowed your eyes briefly but at the promise of them ordering more food you released your hold on him.

“Come back quickly, please,” you begged. Rafael just chuckled kissing your cheek, checking the table number before following after Liv who immediately started talking about how adorable you were when drunk. You looked back to the table. “It’s so nice to finally meet all of you. Including Finn.”

“Same here,” Carisis smiled.

“Hmm, we had been all curious about the woman who was able to get Barba to smile,” Amanda added. “He only tends to smile when he is about to demolish the defence and that is a completely different smile.”

“Ah, yes I know which smile you are talking about,” you giggled. “I rather like it.” Though the reason for that smile was probably a little different when you saw it, the others were a little confused by the sudden red that coated your cheeks and went down to your throat.

Amanda, Nick and Carisi all shared a look at that information, filing it away like good detectives to tease the Counsellor with later. Although in the first five seconds of seeing you and Rafael interact, they had a large number of things they could tease him about. Including what seemed to be an uncontrollable desire to always be in contact with you, and the never-before-seen softness to his features.

“So, any of you single?” Shannon asked giggly.

“Shannon,” you groaned. “Do try to be a little subtle sweetie.”

“What like you were?” she challenged raising an eyebrow. “Begging Rafael to “come”.”

“Oh, shush, that’s completely different,”

“It’s really not,”

“Is so,”

“Girls,” Lily interrupted returning with Finn who was looking incredibly confused by the current back and forth. “Really?”

The detectives were trying so hard to restrain themselves from laughing but it was a challenge that is for sure. Amanda leaned towards Finn to fill him in, causing him to bark out a laugh before trying but failing to cover it with a cough. Lily and Finn quickly handed out a round of shots and placed two jugs of some cocktail in the middle of the table and passed around glasses.

“Finn, I was just saying it is good to finally meet all of you!” you drew the attention back to the fact that you hadn’t met any of the detectives but Liv yet and tried to subtly inform Shannon and the others that you didn’t need them to make things awkward by hitting on them within five seconds. “I have heard quite a bit about you all, from Rafi.”

“He talks about us?” Nick asked, scoffing lightly. “I bet it’s mostly complaining.”

“Well, a little but mostly not,” you shrugged.

“Seriously?” Carisi needed to be sure he heard you correctly.

“Well, yeah, I doubt he holds back with his complaints at work,” you nodded, causing the others to laugh at how right you are.

“Good to see everyone is getting along,” Liv interrupted, returning with a bottle of water and some glasses, Rafael right behind her with another bottle of water and more glasses. “Definitely a good idea to get two bottles of water.”

“I think everyone may regret their choices in the morning,” Rafael quipped.

“I won’t!” you called making grabby hands at Rafael the moment he was in your sight. He smiled indulgently at you as he moved back to your side, his arm finding its way back around your waist, rolling his eyes a little as you sighed happily as you snuggled into to him.

“Oh, you probably will,” Liv said eying the shots that sat in-front of everyone. “Do I want to know what this is?”

“Nope,” Lily grinned picking hers up. “Now come on everyone, bottoms up.”

You and your friends eagerly picked them up, the detectives and Rafael however eyed it a little suspiciously, even Finn, who hadn’t quite heard what Lily had ordered. You turned your pleading eyes to Rafael, nodding towards the shot. He sighed, deeply, already regretting this decision as he picked up his shot. Grinning in triumph you turned to Liv, giving her the same look. Rafael watched in interest as his best friend tried very hard to ignore you, but he was able to watch as Liv’s eyes kept shifting to you and then away before her face scrunched up and she also reached for the shot glass. She shot Rafael a look, but he only raised an eyebrow.

“Now you know what I mean,” he told her.

“What?” you asked looking between the two.

“Well, who would have thought anyone would be able to get Liv to do anything,” Finn grinned. The rest of the detectives nodding in agreement, stunned over what they had just witnessed. The girls shared a look of confusion but their drunk minds quickly forgot about the odd moment.

“Come on,” Courtney begged, her hand lightly grabbed Carisi’s arm before looking towards Nick and Amanda.

“Alright fine,” Carisi laughed picking up the glass looking to the others pleading with his eyes to join him.

“I will make it an order,” Liv added turning on her Sergeant voice. The other three all resigned themselves to whatever was in the shot glasses as they picked them up.

“Bottoms up!” Shannon, Courtney, Lily and you all cheered, tapping the glasses on the table before throwing them back. The detectives and Rafael hesitated one second before copying them.

“Oh, god what is that?” Carisi asked face screwing up as the alcohol hit his tongue.

“I don’t think I want to know,” Nick coughed, reaching for the water that Liv had poured for everyone.

“Sook,” Lily giggled teasingly.

“Can I have some water?” you whispered to Rafael your hand playing with the tie he was wearing.

“Of course, Carino,” Rafael reached for his glass of water handing it to you with a kiss to your temple not noticing the phone in Amanda’s hand that was angled towards the couple. Liv raised an eyebrow at the blonde who merely shrugged, already sending the image to Liv and to Rafael. She figured the couple didn’t have a lot of candid photos of them. Smiling happily at Rafael, you handed him back the glass turning your attention back to the table.

“What are in the jugs?” Amanda asked a little wearily as she reached for one.

“I ordered those,” Finn assured her.

“Somehow I’m not overly assured by that,” she muttered but poured herself a glass regardless and sniffed at it. “Oh, is this just margheritas?”

“Yeah, they didn’t have a lot of options for jugs,” Finn shrugged.

“Good choice!” Shannon eagerly reached for the other jug to pour herself a glass. “Can I pour one for anyone else?”

Courtney pushed her glass towards Shannon with her fingers nodding as she did. “Obviously, I haven’t got work tomorrow.”

“Lucky,” Lily muttered but poured herself one anyway.

“Lily, do I have work tomorrow?” you asked turning to your best friend your brows furrowed as you tried to remember your schedule. Lily squinted at you, mouth opening a little as she tried to remember as well.

“No, sweetheart you do not,” Rafael answered instead. “You have tomorrow and the following day off to recover from tonight.”

“Aw, he knows her schedule!” Amanda cooed leaning into to Nick.

“Of course I do,” Rafael said drily. “Why would I not?”

“Good point,” Amanda muttered sipping on her drink.

“Ooh! What food did you order?” you asked turning to Liv, one hand leaving the grip it had on Rafael’s suspenders to tug on the end of Liv’s blazer.

“We got more chips and some wings,” Liv informed you grabbing hold of hand and squeezing it gently, finding it difficult to stop the coo that wanted to escape. She found you adorable when she met you the first time, but apparently drunk you put that adorableness to shame.

“Yummy!” you wiggled in excitement at the prospect of food before a frown took over your face as you looked between Rafael and Liv.

“What’s wrong?” Nick caught sight of your frown first.

“Carino?” Rafael quickly turned to you, his free hand coming up to tilt your chin towards him.

“I want to cuddle with you but I don’t want to let go of Liv’s hand,” you whispered, shaking the hand that Liv still had hold of, tightening it in case Liv tried to let go of your hand.

“Darling, how drunk are you right now?” Rafael asked with a fond look, his thumb stroking your pouting lips.

“Hm…a lot drunker than I was when I downloaded the dating app we met on,” you answered honestly. “Like way more, that shot definitely threw me over the edge.”

“I thought so,” he chuckled. “Want some more water?”

“Yes…but that means I have to let go of either you or Liv,” you pondered looking between Liv and him, lips pursed as you tried to make a decision. “Oh, I know, you can help me!” you grinned, ecstatic that you had solved the problem.

“Surely, he won’t, right?” Finn asked. He was slightly regretting joining but at the sometime not, he was getting a lot of material to tease not only Rafael but also Olivia. Plus, your friends weren’t too bad and he had been wanting to meet you.

“I don’t know, Barba seems very different with her,” Carisi answered shrugging his shoulders.

“Very different,” Finn agreed.

“I-,” Rafael was about to say no, but upon looking at you he once again found he could not say no to you. “Alright, fine.”

“No, way,” Nick muttered as Rafael did exactly that.

“I’ve known her for years,” Lily whispered to Nick. “Trust me, she is adorable and once someone gets to know her it is very hard to say no to her. If you were in his place, you would do the same thing.”

“I doubt it,” Nick turned to Lily raising an eyebrow in doubt.

“Oh, you poor deluded man,” Lily flicked his arm. “We’ll see, it even worked on Olivia, who is not dating her. One day you will have that look directed at you and you will eat your own words.”

The waiter came with the food interrupting anyone from being able to comment further on the fact that Rafael Barba, the man who didn’t relent even with victims, relented under a single look. Rafael set the glass down, pouring more into it, as he wanted to get you to drink as much water as possible otherwise tomorrow morning will be horrible for you. Though…he was a little curious how you would be with a hangover.

“Yay, food!” you cheered letting go of both Liv and Rafael.

“Thought you didn’t want to let go of us?” Liv asked waving her now free hand. Your eyes narrowed as you watched her hand, sure that you were meant to be doing something with it.

“Don’t confuse my poor Chica,” Rafael scolded. “Her poor brain probably can’t handle too much at once.”

“I must have missed the part where my boyfriend suddenly became a comedian,” you muttered crossing your arms. “Stay at your day job.”

“Now see, I was waiting for this,” Finn grinned folding his arms.

The rest of the table who were watching this like it was their dinner entertainment, tried not to nod in agreement with Finn. They dished out the food onto the plates that were placed on the table along with the food. Those who were nearly done with their margherita’s pouring themselves another glass. The detectives hadn’t had too much to drink before they joined you and your friends, so they still were no were near the level you four where at so they were able to hold in their amusement. Your friends however, were getting even further along where unable to hide theirs, the giggling muffled a little by their hands.

“For my girlfriend to insult me?”

“For Rafi to be mean?”

The two of you asked at the same time turning your eyes onto Finn who seemed a little shocked by the response.

“Creepy,” Shannon whispered.

“Extremely,” Carisi agreed. “They’ve only been going out what like two or three months? And they’re already in sync like that?”

“Actually, it’s closer to four months,” you shot at them before going back to the food that Rafael had put on a plate in-front of you. “Being precise with timelines is important, as a detective you should know that.”

“Oh, I see it now,” Amanda said around a mouthful of chicken wings.

“We all see it,” Nick agreed. Pouring another glass of the margherita, noticing that the two jugs were getting empty fast. He glanced at his watch, a little surprised by the amount of time that had passed.

“What do they see?” you leaned towards Liv confused.

“Why you and Rafi get along so well,” Liv whispered back.

“Oh, you mean apart from the fact that the man is gorgeous, charming, sarcastic and incredibly intelligent?” you tilted your head to side. “Oh, and good in bed.” There was a round of near choking around the table as they heard your comment, being drunk you thought you were whispering but you in fact were not.

“Alright, you are definitely cut off,” Rafael pushed the glass of the cocktail away from you. “Eat some more food.”

“Don’t be pushy,” you whined. “And give me my margherita back.”

“Eat some more food and drink some more water and then I will,” he commanded pushing your plate towards you before picking up his own margherita. You leaned towards him wrapping your arms around his neck so your mouth was right next to his ear.

“Or, give me back my margherita and when we go home, I’ll get on my knees and suck your cock the minute we get through the door,” you whispered seductively. “And then, I’ll strip naked for you, put on your vest and ride you.” You moved away a little to allow him to turn his head to look at you.

You felt Rafael’s hand on your waist tighten and you had the pleasure of seeing the red creep up his neck as his eyes started to burn. He swallowed, the knuckles on his other hand turned white as he gripped his drink. He was very grateful that you still had enough thought to whisper that in his ear rather than saying it loud enough for the rest of the table to hear.

“Chica,” he warned eyes taking in your cheeky grin. “That’s out of line.”

“Hm, we’re not in a court of law my dear,” you giggled. “So, counsellor, do you accept the terms?”

“No,” Rafael stated, smirking as your mouth dropped open in surprise.

“Really?” you were shocked. “But…I want my margherita.”

“Then drink some water and eat,” Rafael raised his eyebrow at the water he pushed towards you. “And you will.”

“Fine,” you huffed pulling your arms from his neck. “Then I won’t suck your dick.”

“…please tell me I wasn’t the only one who heard that?” Finn muttered.

“We all heard it,” Liv muttered eyes wide and looking away.

“You are naughty!” Shannon giggled leaning as far as she could to swat at your arm. “Is that what you whispered to him?”

You nodded holding the glass of water eyeing it suspiciously, cheeks puffed out as you sulked. Olivia lifted her drink out of the way of Shannon’s flailing limb, trying very hard to restrain herself as she watched the marid of expressions that passed over Rafael’s face. Shock, horror and that last one was a little unclear, but oddly enough she could still make out the fondness that he has for you in his eyes as he watched you giggle at your friend but still sulk over not getting your margherita.

“This has got to be one of the most entertaining nights I’ve had in the longest of times,” Amanda giggled. “And Barba the look on your face was priceless.”

“I hate all of you,” he answered, drowning the last of his margherita before grabbing your glass and drinking that as well.

“Hey!” you squeaked. “That’s mine.”

“You hadn’t finished your water or your food,” he groused.

“You’re not getting sex,” you glared at him.

“We’ll see,” he smirked at you, slowly licking his lips, your lips parted as you felt warmth slowly build, you had to squeeze you legs together as your eyes glazed over.

“Is he?” Nick asked, not even wanting to finish that sentence.

“That is the sign for me to go,” Finn decided standing up, a look of near horror on his face. His eyes squinted as he looked between Rafael and you. “It was good to meet all of you. Maybe next time a little less alcohol.”

“Agreed,” everyone agreed.

“I think I’ll also call it a night,” Amanda smiled. “I should go and walk Frannie before it gets too much later. Are you girls fine to get home?”

“Aw, that is so sweet!” Lily leaned into Amanda smiling up at her. “I’ll be fine, I’ve gotten home when I have been way more drunk.”

“If you’re sure?” Amanda asked.

“Mhm, though I can’t say the same thing for Courtney or Shannon,” Lily nodded towards the two other girls who were leaning against each other and giggling.

“True,” Amanda agreed, eyeing them both.

“I’ll help with them,” Lily patted her arm. “Shannon lives on the way to mine so I can take her in an uber with me. Courtney however, lives in the opposite direction.”

“I can take her,” Amanda offered.

“Ooh I get to ride with the pretty detective?” Courtney asked bouncing in her seat. “It’s my lucky day.”

“I wanna ride with the pretty detective,” Shannon muttered.

“You ride with me,” Lily pointed at her. “And you better say you’re lucky with that.”

“Duh,” Shannon rolled her eyes. “But I get to ride with a pretty librarian all the time.”

“I am both offended and fine with that,” Lily shrugged as she quickly drowned the rest of her margherita. “Is anyone else heading my way? Can take two more in my uber.”

“I’ll take you up on that,” Finn nodded.

“Carisi, you coming with?” Amanda asked, a particular look in her eye as she looked at the Italian.

“Sure, that okay with you Courtney?” Carisi asked, not wanting to tag along if she wasn’t okay with it.

“Two pretty detectives?” Courtney asked. “Getting better and better.”

“I think that’s a yes,” Nick muttered. “I’ll be fine on my own. Liv, you good getting home?”

“I’ll be fine, I live in the opposite direction of all of you,” Liv smiled. Everyone turned to Rafael and you, both currently still arguing over him drinking your drink. “I think they’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, I don’t think it’ll be a good idea to share a ride with them,” Nick grinned. “It might get a little awkward.”

“Hey, lovebirds,” Carisi teased. “You two ready to go home?”

“Not with him,” you muttered, turning your pleading eyes to Liv.

“Oh, no,” Liv laughed reaching out to squeeze your cheek. “You are going with Rafi. Maybe you can tease him to feel bad about drinking your alcohol.”

“Ooh, could idea!” you nodded, trying to climb off your seat. “Come on bub.”

“I’ll never forgive this betrayal, Liv,” Rafael promised as he kept hold of your waist keeping you from stumbling. “She’s really good at teasing. It should be a crime.”

“Oops,” Liv grinned. “Come on.”

The group made it’s way out of the bar, Liv, Lily and Amanda helping Shannon and Courtney. They were surprising stable, only a little unsteady after sitting down for so long and drinking as much as they had. Nick, Carisi and Finn were all at the back keeping an eye on everyone else, they didn’t even realise that they had done it until Liv glanced over her shoulder and raised an eyebrow as the group waited for their Ubers together.

“What?” Nick asked crossing his arms. “You know me, you can’t even pretend to be surprised by this.”

“Alright, that’s actually fair,” Liv rolled her eyes.

“Rafi, the world is spinning,” you whined, looking up at Rafael, your hands were once again holding onto his suspenders.

“Aw, my poor Chica,” Rafael cooed lightly brushing the hair out of your eyes before pulling out his phone to order an Uber, his other hand still held you tightly against his side. “Let’s get you home, my apartment or yours?”

“Yours, please,” you grinned up at him, all annoyance over him stealing your drink gone. “I sleep better at yours now.” You nuzzled your face back into his neck, sighing happily as his scent surrounded you.

Rafael felt his heart melt at that, the two of you rarely slept away from the other these days. The first time you had been in his bed when he got back from a late night in the office it had been surreal, he had to stop for a moment and appreciate that fact that you wanted to be there when he got back. It had happened after he got an emergency call, the two of you had been having dinner at his and you were prepared to head back to your apartment when he left but he offered for you to stay at his without even really thinking about it, all he knew was that he wanted to come back to his apartment with you still there.

“Looks like our ride is here,” Amanda motioned towards the car that just pulled up pulling everyone out of their conversations. Carisi moved forward ready to help with Courtney. “Tonight, has been…entertaining and enlightening.”

“All of this has been off the record,” Rafael warned looking pointedly at all the detectives.

“Sure, counsellor,” Carisi agreed, a boyish grin on his face. “Next time we need a warrant and you don’t want to do it I’ll just call y/n up and she can get you to do it.”

“Nope, that is an abuse of my power,” you claimed not lifting your head from Rafael’s neck. “Only use it when absolutely necessary.”

“Noted,” Finn said.

“Alright, Shannon, Finn our ride is also here,” Lily waved towards another car that pulled up. “It was lovely to meet all of you, should do this again sometime.”

“That would be nice,” Liv agreed.

“Thirded!” you called. “I loved meeting the rest of Rafi’s friends!”

“And we definitely enjoyed meeting you,” Nick assured you, chuckling a little.

A round of goodbyes followed as everyone managed to get into their Ubers with minimal issues. Assuring everyone that they would message when each member got home safe and sound. The more sober members of the group thoroughly entertained by the drunker members attempt to converse with the drivers before getting sleepy.

“Alright, Carino, here we are,” Rafael huffed as he gently set you down on his bed, hands hovering just in case you started to sway a bit too much but when you stayed upright, he moved around his room, gathering some clothes for you to sleep in. A little selfishly he grabbed one of his shirts for you, along with a pair of your panties that you kept here. “Alright, let’s get you changed, that make up off and some more water into you.”

“Rafi,” you looked at him biting your lip as your hands struggled to undo the buttons on your top. “Let’s have sex.”

“I thought you said no sex for me because I was mean,” Rafael laughed, grabbing the make up removal wipes you kept on the dresser. He warmed at the thought that there were daily items you used all around his apartment.

“Oh yeah,” you mumbled before shrugging. “Really that’s punishing me as well and I don’t deserve that. I deserve your talented fingers, tongue and cock.”

“Lord help me,” he muttered rubbing his forehead as his cock twitched in interest. He had tried so hard to keep it down at the bar after you whispered to him but here in the privacy of his own apartment it was becoming a hassle. “Baby, you are really drunk, so that is a no on the sex.”

“Maybe but I wanna,” you promised him. “I fully, whole heartedly consent to you railing me. Besides you’re already getting me undressed.”

“To get you into something to sleep in because you are drunk,” Rafael explained patiently. This was the first time he had ever seen you drunk and it was both amusing and difficult as he tried to get you changed. “Come on arms up, there we go.”

Thankfully, in your drunken state you eagerly followed his directions as he changed you and gently wiped off the make up you were wearing. Being sure to get every last spec of it. He wasn’t about to try and get you through your entire skin care routine but he figured you could do that in the morning or he could help you if you were hungover. Who was he kidding? You were going to be so hungover.

“Sex?” you asked one last time as he got you to drink some more water, leaving a bottle on the bedside table before he quickly got changed and slid into bed beside you, tugging you close.

“You’re drunk,”

“…yeah…” yawning you wiggled into a more comfortable position of sleeping mostly on Rafael’s chest. “Night bub…” soft snores followed after that as you drifted off into a drunken sleep.

“Tomorrow morning is going to be something,” Rafael muttered pressing a kiss to the top of your head, wrapping his arms around you as he listened to you breathing, letting that lull him to sleep.

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