#am i actually stupid or is this dentist just expensive as fuck?

[this-doesnt-endd]

I feel like im going insane here like im looking at average costs for dental procedures. Using out of pocket prices and doing the math based on what percentage my insurance covers of that procedure using that higher average cost and including if i had to meet my deductible every single time i got anything im still getting dramatically lower prices like i have no idea where tf the prices on my treatment plan are coming from

[dine-on-nervine]

How old were you when you learned how to drive? Driver’s Ed at 15.5, license at 18, actually having a car to drive at 30.

Have you ever been to a baby shower? What was the baby’s name? Nope.

What mode of transport did you take to high school? Sophomore year was in another town so vanned in with some Catholics going to the parochial high school, but I lived a block away from my local high school (I know, how stupid I was sent away for a year!) so hoofed it.

Name a personality trait of yours that you like. Great sense of humor.

Name something about your physical attraction that you dislike. It happens at all the wrong times. (I answered the question as it was asked.)

What’s in your purse right now? I am a guy so no purse.

Do you vote in your country’s elections? Yes.

What was your first kiss like? I genuinely do not remember.

Shuffle your music and skip twice. What song is playing? Enjoying the silence so no answer here.

Have you ever been a freelancer? Likely.

What mood were you in when you woke up today? My usual happy self, just kind of bearing with it at 5:45am this morning.

What storey is your bedroom on? Second.

What gifts do you usually receive at Easter? It used to be all kinds of candy that I wouldn’t eat. Three siblings took care of it for me.

Do you use a planner to keep track of your life? Nope.

Who was the last person you sent an email to? Wayne.

Are there any posters in your bedroom? I have 30+ framed apple box labels and typewriter ads, plus a couple mushroom pictures derived from old books, but no posters per se.

What was your favourite fairytale as a kid? Anyone can grow up to be President.

Is there anything in your freezer that you really need to get rid of? Nothing in my freezer. However, other day I was rummage around in my fridge (a small one) and found a bag of pizza from weeks earlier. Which surprised me since you can’t hide anything in my fridge. This is what happens when people give me things I don’t want, either I get rid of them or I forget they exist.

Have you ever played Second Life? I have a life.

What do you like about the town or city you live in? Plenty of fun stuff here, and I live 5 miles/13 minutes away from my girlfriend in the same city.

What do you dislike about the town or city you live in? The house I live in. Pretty sure there’s an unseen mold infestation in/near my room.

Are your parents good cooks? They have their moments. They’re average.

What’s the first thing you notice about a person? Tits.

Have you ever been to a chiropractor? Did you like it? I have not but my girlfriend suggests it because my neck is fucked.

What is your favourite museum? "The Pioneer House Museum”, said no one ever.

Do you know anyone who is an actor? Probably.

Have your wisdom teeth come through yet? I’ve only had two come in.

How many weddings have you been to? I can only think of two.

Do you watch Youtube? What channels do you like? Not into vloggers.

What’s your alcohol of choice? Barf, none. I don't drink << anymore!! I like Quilter’s Irish Death.

Have you ever used a public pay phone? Yes, because I didn’t have a cell phone until I was about 40.

Which one item would you save from your burning house? My computer.

Do you have a Twitter account? Nope.

What is your hair like right now? A bit shaggy, I intend to get it cut tomorrow... if possible, since I just discovered I have a dentist appointment in the morning and have plans at 1pm.

How do you like your eggs cooked? Scrambled. I don’t like eggs.

What’s the longest you’ve been without showering? 2-3 days.

Name one of your guilty pleasure songs. Leif Garrett, “I Was Made For Dancing (Extended Version)”.

Have you ever made an item of clothing? In a way, yes.

What was the most expensive bill you paid within the last month? Rent.

How old were you when you learned how to drive? I don't drive.

Have you ever been to a baby shower? What was the baby’s name? Yeah, I've been to a few.

What mode of transport did you take to high school? My mom took me majority of the time, but occasionally my dad or aunt did.

Name a personality trait of yours that you like. I think I'm a good listener.

Name something about your physical attraction that you dislike. My physical appearance? Uh, like everything. My smile is a big one.

What’s in your purse right now? I use a mini backpack, which right now has my wallet, a thing with some of my medicine, a 2 pack of Reese's (lol), and a Barbie pin I still need to put on the front of my backpack.

Do you vote in your country’s elections? Yes.

What was your first kiss like? It was unexpected and awkward, but I was just giddy about having had my first kiss. It's not like I had anything to compare it to.

Shuffle your music and skip twice. What song is playing? Nah.

Have you ever been a freelancer? No.

What mood were you in when you woke up today? I felt okay.

What storey is your bedroom on? I live in a one-story house.

What gifts do you usually receive at Easter? Gift cards and something like a stuffed animal and/or a shirt.

Do you use a planner to keep track of your life? I use the calendar app to remind me when my bills are due, and I also use the notes and reminders app for stuff.

Who was the last person you sent an email to? I don't recall the last time I sent an email.

Are there any posters in your bedroom? Yeah, I have a few canvas painting and framed ones. Most of them are giraffes, but I also have some beach ones, a couple paintings my uncle did for me, and a Stranger Things poster (the well-known ABCs on the wall one with the strung lights).

What was your favourite fairytale as a kid? I've always liked Alice in Wonderland.

Is there anything in your freezer that you really need to get rid of? I have no idea what's even in my freezer. I'm still mostly bedridden and need help transferring and when I'm up in my chair checking the freezer isn't something I've had a need to do in awhile. I just haven't had a reason to; if I want something I'd just ask someone.

Have you ever played Second Life? No. I'm a Sims gal.

What do you like about the town or city you live in? Just the fact a lot of my family is here.

What do you dislike about the town or city you live in? My town is awful. It's not known for anything good.

Are your parents good cooks? Yes.

What’s the first thing you notice about a person? >> this will vary from person to person <<<

Have you ever been to a chiropractor? Did you like it? I have not.

What is your favourite museum? I don't have a particular favorite, though I've only been to a few. I enjoy historical type ones with artifacts and whatnot. I think I'd love The Smithsonian if I ever get to go one day. I love all that kind of stuff.

Do you know anyone who is an actor? No.

Have your wisdom teeth come through yet? I had those taken out when I was a young teenager.

How many weddings have you been to? Just three.

Do you watch Youtube? What channels do you like? I watch a shit ton of YouTube. I'm subscribed to many channels of various types. I like ASMR (a lot of ASMR channels), vlogs/lifestyle, hauls, mukbangs, abandoned places, Disney history and related stuff.... stuff like that.

What’s your alcohol of choice? Barf, none. I don't drink.

Have you ever used a public pay phone? Yeah. It was like back in 2010, I think. The community college I attended had a few and I needed to use it cause my phone had died.

Which one item would you save from your burning house? This is such a hard question cause I'd wanna try and grab so many things.

Do you have a Twitter account? Yeah, or "X" as it's called now. *eye roll* I don't go on it much anymore.

What is your hair like right now? Short and no real style to it right now. I'm in the process of growing it out after cutting it like pixie cut short over a year ago for reasons. It's in that awkward phase, but it is starting to really grow out.

How do you like your eggs cooked? Over-easy, scrambled, hard boiled, deviled, egg salad. I like eggs.

What’s the longest you’ve been without showering? A few months while in the hospital. Like an actual shower I mean. I had bed baths of course.

Name one of your guilty pleasure songs. I didn't want to admit to liking some Justin Bieber songs at first like when his Purpose album came out. lol. I don't care now.

Have you ever made an item of clothing? No. I've never tried to learn or attempt to.

What was the most expensive bill you paid within the last month? I have a few high credit card payments. :X

[moramew]

🔥

[strawberrysoup]

Let’s Review || Chapter 3

Peter Parker knew that his big sister would do anything for him to be safe and happy. She’d given up everything for him twice over already and would do it again in a heartbeat. And that’s why, when the criminal mastermind Tony Stark started inextricably following him around, he didn’t say a word. Because he knew without a doubt Penny would do whatever she had to if it meant keeping Peter safe. He had to protect her, just like she always protected him. He never considered what would happen if Stark decided both Parker siblings were worth taking. Never considered who else in Stark’s inner circle would agree. He just wanted to protect her and yet somehow, they both ended up with needles in their necks.

relationship: Steve Rogers/Original Female Character/Bucky Barnes, background Peter Parker/Tony Stark

rating: Explicit

warnings: Dark Steve Rogers, Dark Bucky Barnes, Dark Tony Stark, Dark Avengers, kidnapping, non-con/dub-con elements, underage Peter Parker, emotional and psychological abuse, very dark

Penny had sent Peter off to bed before allowing herself to cry for a solid two hours until she passed out on the couch in her work clothes. Waking up was a trial, her head was pounding and she hadn’t pulled the curtains over the living room window closed before falling asleep so it was ten times brighter than it needed to be. She hadn’t set an alarm, but she could hear Peter moving around in the bedroom so it was around 6 AM.

“Peter, you good?” She called out absently, the usual morning greeting that meant ‘are you moving fast enough to make it to school on time?’

“I’m good,” his voice was quieter than usual, dejected in a way that broke a piece of her heart.

She sat up on the couch and put her face in her hands, elbows digging sharply into her thighs. Everything felt off, like the earth had shifted on its axis but only by a few degrees. There had been several times in her life when everything had changed in the blink of an eye. Her entire world stopped spinning, first when her mom and dad died, then again with uncle Ben, and again with aunt May. Every time it had eventually started back again, but she’d always had an anchor.

She’d always had Peter, when everything went wrong. Having to start from scratch, to rebuild her entire life, was always possible because she had Peter. He was her rock, her reason for pushing forward to fix everything that went wrong. To restabilize.

When she’d been date raped in a club in Queens half a year ago, it had been traumatic. Brock had been sniffing around for ages before she finally agreed to go out with him and then he turned into a fucking monster at the drop of a hat, the piece of shit. She hadn’t meant to let Peter find out about any of it. She’d called a friend to get her from the club, to help her home. She’d been traumatized and angry, half drugged by the time they got to the apartment and screaming about the injustice.

Peter had helped her into the shower, sent her friend off for food, and held her while she screamed and cried and otherwise lost her fucking mind. By the next morning she’d gotten a note slipped under the door, essentially telling her to fuck off and keep her mouth shut or else. As if she’d even considered going to the police�� what would she have said? ‘This dude I talked to for months slipped me drugs and raped me in the back of a club. No, there were no witnesses. No, I didn’t call the police. No, I didn’t go to the hospital.’ Stupid. She’d been stupid, as always.

Getting into such a stupid situation had spiraled into a rabbit hole of almost inconceivable bad luck. If she hadn’t let herself get duped in that stupid club, Peter never would’ve gone to Stark Tower. Never would’ve gotten spotted by the man himself. And now, she wouldn’t have Peter with her when she rebuilt after this most recent, life altering tragedy.

But he would be safe. There wasn’t anything else that she needed, or could hope for, other than Peter’s safety. Besides, prison might be a nice reprieve from the 108 hour work weeks she currently endured. And they had hospitals in prison, maybe they had dentists? She hadn’t been to the dentist since before aunt May died. Would she go to prison or jail? Penny didn’t know the difference between the two, honestly.

Standing up from the couch, her eyes landed on her laptop. It was sitting open on the dining room table, plugged in because it was so old it never held a charge. She should make a to-do list for the day, starting with calling into all three of her jobs and making Peter breakfast before he had to leave for school. There was a lot she had to get done before her brother got home from school today.

“Hey Pen, have you seen my biology textbook?”

“No babe, check the table by the front door,” she stretched her arms over her head and yawned, trying to work some of the kinks out of her body from sleeping on the couch, “do you have enough time to stick around for breakfast?”

Peter stopped on the other side of the couch, watching his sister act like it was a normal day, a frown on his face. They always joked that he was the smart one. Peter could recite pi to the 40th digit, explain thermodynamics, and had gotten into a super prestigious science academy on scholarship. Usually, he’d call himself the logical sibling, the one who could see the best course of action and follow it.

But looking at his sister he was realizing there was a level of maturity missing from his logical thinking. He might’ve been the smarter one, but Penny was the one who was going to get them through this hellscape. She was calm, he could see in her eyes that the wheels were turning and that she was in so much pain, but she was calm and collected and was going to work through the day to make sure her batshit crazy plan worked out so that he would be safe.

“Yeah, I’ve got time.”

“Sounds good,” she stripped her socks off clumsily while walking into the kitchen, dropping them on the floor as she went, “hey, open up all of the bills on the counter and leave them scattered around while I cook. I want it to look like I’ve been ignoring them and they’re covered in crap.”

Peter dropped his head back, staring up at the ceiling blankly. Penny was pretty good at covering up her emotions but the level of dissociation she was currently displaying was impressive. He retrieved all of the bills from the basket on the kitchen counter and brought them into the living room, dropping them onto the laptop’s keyboard and kicking his feet up on the table before he began ripping them open. He tossed the empty envelopes over his shoulder absently as he went while arranging the bills into a pile to be thrown strategically around later.

“Maybe I should see if Flash will beat me up today at school,” he cringed at the $95 electric bill, knowing that was pretty high for them, “some bruises and cuts might help us when the social workers show up.”

“Don’t get yourself beat up, bud, you don’t have enough padding on your bones to keep everything from snapping under pressure.”

“Well maybe if you actually fed me sometimes, you neglectful monster.”

“Savage, Peter!” Penny’s gasp from the kitchen was full of laughter despite the painful conversation, “keep that up for the social worker.”

“So aside from trashing my things, throwing out anything edible in the kitchen, and destroying the apartment, have anything fun planned today?”

The sound of Penny cursing, followed by the loud clang of a pan hitting the floor had Peter shifting in his seat, angling around to see through the doorway to the kitchen. She hadn’t hurt herself and there was no mess, so he didn’t bother getting up to go help.

“Actually,” she made a pathetic sound upon realizing the milk in the fridge was expired, “fuck. Oh, actually I’m gonna go get my hair and nails done. So it looks like I blow our money on frivolous things instead of like, food and clothes for you.”

“Nice, you should get one of those stupid expensive coffees from those hipster places on your way back. Just for emphasis.”

Once Penny actually managed to cook, she was pretty good at it. She usually cooked what she could for all major Jewish holidays when their budget could stretch to accommodate it. Otherwise she didn’t get around to it all that often, except on her days off, so Peter considered it a treat when she made breakfast for him before school. She shoved the laptop back on the table and put a plate down in its place, revealing a heaping egg scramble and toast.

“I think we have some major issues,” Peter stated casually as they ate, avoiding the chunks of turkey bacon to save for the end, “I’m pretty sure we shouldn’t be joking about today. Or tomorrow. Or any of it.”

“I figure we’ve got two options,” Penny kicked her feet up next to his, balancing her plate in her lap, “Cry about it or laugh about it. We cried about it last night and it gave me a headache. So, might as well try laughing.”

Peter shrugged but nodded in agreement, “So I think I’m gonna become a supervillain.”

“Oh? Why?”

“I could break you out of jail, bring down Tony Stark and all his minions, steal a whole bunch of money and then we could abscond off to some private island and live the rest of our lives in peace.”

“Except for when you have to go be a supervillain?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

Penny gave a barking laugh and leaned over to shuffle a hand annoyingly through his hair, letting him slap her away like usual. The casual, relaxed attitude they shared was obviously forced, their eyes were full of despair, but they could at least pretend for a while. Pretending that everything was okay would at least get them through the next few days.

“Alright you dope, head to school. I’ll see you when you get home.”

Peter stood up from the table and pulled Penny up after him, wrapping her into a tight hug. He’d grown over the last year and stood several inches taller than her now. Sometimes, hugging her now felt weird because for so long he’d been smaller than her. He vividly remembered being engulfed in her arms, being surrounded by her scent and warmth and how safe it always made him feel. He hoped that she felt the same way he used to, that his hugs made her feel warm and fuzzy.

“See you after school,” he choked out after a moment, pulling away and darting out of the room without looking at her too closely.

It would hurt too much.

***

Nobody had left the living room, other than Rhodey, in over 12 hours now. Steve and Bucky were still in the recliner together, eyes glued to the TV screen showing the Parker’s living room. Peter had left for school about 20 minutes ago and Penelope Actual Angel Parker had disappeared into the bathroom.

Clint had ordered food from the kitchens about an hour ago and was waiting by the elevator for the chefs to drop it off. They’d all lamented the fact they couldn’t eat the breakfast Penny made with the Parker siblings but had satisfied themselves by listening in on their conversation with stalkerish intensity. Usually Penny didn’t leave the laptop sitting open when she wasn’t using it, so it had been another shocking revelation into their lives.

“Peter’s face while he was opening those bills makes me wonder if she usually hides them from him,” Bruce commented absently, cheek resting in his hand as he scrolled through the files on his laptop.

Instead of the lab reports from the previous night, he was looking through Penny and Peter’s medical histories—HIPAA be damned. Peter got regular physicals each year, was up to date on all of his vaccinations, had minor asthma but no other chronic issues. Penny’s medical history stopped around when her uncle Ben died and she dropped out of high school. She had all her vaccinations and was in the 2nd year of a 3 year birth control implant, no known conditions except for possible anemia. She hadn’t gone to the hospital after the rape, so he would need to run an STD panel just in case. A diet meant to promote weight gain might also be a good idea.

“I’m sure she didn’t want them to know how dire their situation was,” Wanda stated, “If given the chance, I would’ve hidden things like that from Pietro.”

“So they’re Jewish like y’all, right?” Sam squinted at the screen, pointing to a wall decoration in the apartment, “or is that a Buddhist thing?”

“A Hamsa,” she didn’t look up from her phone, having seen the wall decoration next to the window the first time she’d watched the webcam stream nearly a month ago, “they have it because they’re Jewish but it’s used in other cultures too.”

“Do we need to make sure we have anything… particularly Jew-y for them?”

Wanda finally looked up from her phone, eyebrow raised derisively, “did you get anything particularly Jew-y for me when I moved in?”

“I’m going to learn to make Challah,” Bucky intervened in the conversation before it could become a fight, having been looking up traditional Israeli and Jewish dishes for several hours now, “do you have any recipes Wanda?”

The two devolved into a conversation about homemade breads and the nuances of kosher foods, all the while Wanda scrolled through Peter and Penny’s bank statements. She was looking for their overall spending habits, what was bought for Peter and how often and when and what Penny bought for herself. The former list included the amount of clothing one would assume necessary for a growing teenage boy, along with an above average amount of groceries. There was far less fun stuff, like video games and extensive Lego sets (which they knew Peter loved). Usually those were bought around Peter’s birthday or near Hanukkah. Penny’s spending on herself was generally relegated to work clothes and toiletries, with the occasional splurge on nail polish.

“We had a Jewish neighbor growing up, you remember Buck? Ms. Goldstein made that soup,” Steve scratched his head, trying to remember the name of it but failing.

“Matzah ball soup,” Bucky supplied, glancing at the screen of Steve’s phone from his position in the man’s lap.

He’d started going through the Parker sibling’s social media accounts early in the morning, wondering who was going to put up a fuss over their potential disappearances and how much it was going to interfere with business. Not that it mattered, business was business and home and family came first but it still would be good to have a plan for any fallout.

Peter had all the social media accounts a teenager could want; Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Snapchat, TikTok, everything. He overshared on the internet just as much as any other Gen Z kid, although he seemed to favour Twitter and Instagram over the others. Instagram was updated almost daily with pictures of his friends, from school and clubs, pictures of scenery taken around New York. It was actually pretty cute and a touch artistic. He had a decent amount of followers on it too.

Penny on the other hand only had an Instagram page and a Pinterest. The former wasn’t updated much since their aunt May passed away, the recent pictures were mostly of food she’d made or of her and Peter on holidays. He wasn’t sure if the followers on her Pinterest were friends or strangers. There were a whole slew of cute pictures on her ‘Memories’ board, several of which Bucky watched Steve save to his phone. One in particular, of Penny squeezing Peter’s face close to hers while both stuck their tongues out at the camera, was saved as his new home screen.

It would be difficult to spirit either of the siblings away without some repercussions. Peter had some very close friends, MJ and Ned in particular, and was involved in tons of extracurricular activities. If he disappeared, an AMBER alert would go out within a day. Penny wasn’t particularly close to anyone, but she did have several coworkers who would notice very quickly if she went missing. She had been working in the same three places for 3 years and was a well-established and liked staff member.

“We may need to stage some sort of accident,” Steve rubbed a hand over his mouth as he scrolled through Peter’s Snapchat memories, “Peter’s friends are very close and Penny’s barely ever missed a day of work. People are going to cause a stink if they just disappear.”

“Car accident? Fire? Carbon monoxide?”

“Something that won’t leave behind a body,” Natasha drummed her fingers against her leg, humming in thought as the elevator opened and Clint retrieved the cart of food that had been sent up, “probably a fire. Or we could stage a kidnapping and blame it on someone else.”

“Both,” Clint had half of a croissant stuffed in his mouth, spitting out pieces as he spoke, “set up a kidnapping, burn some bodies, set it up to look like Penny and Peter.”

“Who’s the kidnapper?”

“How about this dumb mother fucker.”

Rhodey’s voice came from the stairwell, the man himself emerging while shoving a heavily beaten and gagged Brock Rumlow through the door. His arms were bound from the elbow down and he lost his balance, landing with a heavy thud only to be kicked hard in the side by the very angry James Rhodes and forced back to his feet.

“He confess?” Tony’s back was to them as Rhodey pushed him farther into the room, making himself a cup of coffee from the French press that had been sent up on the cart.

“More or less.”

One of the things Tony had learned over his long career was that anticipation was almost worse than a beating. Adrenaline was a devastating drug when applied as a method of torture. He could almost feel Rumlow’s heart beating faster, the sweat dripping down his brow. He hummed quietly, taking a sip of his coffee before nodding to himself and turning around.

Rhodey had the man on his knees near the coffee table, head bowed in a mixture of panic and fear. He was bleeding from the head, from his nose, dark bruises were beginning to bloom across the bridge of his nose and around his neck. Rhodes had done a number on the man in the last couple of hours.

“Did you send a letter to Penelope Parker, threatening her younger brother if she went to the police?” His voice was low and he crossed the living room in with an unhurried stride, coming to sit on the couch just inches away from where the man knelt.

The reply was muffled but obviously not a yes or no answer. Tony was well versed in what begging sounded like through a gag, how ‘please’ and ‘don’t hurt me’ came out when one’s tongue was held down by fabric. Brock Rumlow might’ve been a big bastard, but when confronted with his own mortality he became a simpering baby just like all the rest. In all honesty, Tony had a thing for begging anyway.

“Now that didn’t sound like the answer to the question I asked you.”

From his position in Steve’s lap Bucky pitched an empty wine glass at Rumlow’s face. The stem snapped off, the bowl of the glass breaking against his brow bone and leaving a jagged cut in its wake. Bruce rolled his neck at the sound of the rest of the glass hitting the ground and shattering, the sharp noise irritating his always present headache.

“You’re making us upset Brucie here, my man,” Tony stated with a flippant wave of his hand in the scientist’s direction, still taking small, satisfying sips of coffee, “which is a huge mistake. He gets pretty dangerous when you make him mad.”

The exact state of being of most of Tony’s close associates was more… fantastical, than most of the population. Mad scientists had been around for centuries and so had horrible things, like eugenics and human experimentation. He had a tendency to pick up strays at the best of times and the exciting strays, the ones who were really special, he fought to keep. It had started with Rhodey and Clint. They weren’t genetically altered, just insane at the best of times.

He’d met Rhodey in university. At the time, the man was being paid to watch Tony by his father and report back on his activities. Tony had paid better and overtime gained Rhodey’s loyalty as well as friendship. They’d been inseparable and Rhodey had been the one who thwarted Clint’s assassination attempt on Tony. It hadn’t been anything personal, of course, Clint was a world-renowned assassin and was one of the best—if you could pay him the right amount, he was willing to take out anyone. Then he’d been waylaid by a Very Angry Colonel Rhodes. Clint was easily persuaded to switch targets for the correct amount of money and soon Tony had come to see him as less of an employee and more of a friend.

Natasha and the Old Men had come next. From a situation similar to Clint’s, Natasha had been sent to off Tony. Not only had he offered her a better deal, but also protection from the Red Room, a branch of the former KGB that specialized in stealing little girls and genetically altering them. She didn’t hate the violence or the killing, she hated being controlled.  

The freezer burned boyfriends had come along looking for Howard Stark, who had apparently betrayed them (and the United States as a whole, actually) in the 40’s in a whole bunch of exciting and horrible ways. Bucky had been traumatized, a veritable murder machine and Steve hadn’t been much better off. Tony had kept them out of the public eye so they could live in relative peace and in turn had become emotionally attached. Especially upon realizing that Bucky was likely his father’s unknowing murderer, which was endearing.

Bruce had been Tony’s next acquisition and the only deliberate one. There had been reports of some sort of monster raging across the globe. It had taken ages and lots of illegal activity in the form of JARVIS hacking satellites and cameras all over the world but they’d found Bruce hiding away in India, providing illicit medical attention to the poor. He’d been attempting to copy the Super Soldier Serum used on The Olds and turned himself into a monster in the process. Tony adored the man.

Then came Thor and his adopted brother Loki, who had been experimented on by their father from a very young age. They’d lost an older sister to a process of attempted Berserker serums and they themselves were forever genetically altered. Thor was in slightly better control of his rages than Loki, but both came to Tony seeking asylum when their father had decided to end his experiments and terminate all test subjects. They were strong and brutal and Thor’s loyalty was unwavering, which was nice because Loki’s only loyalty was to his brother. It was a compromise Tony could live with.

Sam and Wanda and Pietro had been picked up by Steve and Clint respectively, the former a veteran and counselor who turned to murder for hire after being honorably discharged from service and the latter a pair of genetic experiments who’d accidentally stumbled upon Clint after escaping imprisonment. All three had been brought back to the Tower and into the fold.

Pepper and Happy had been picked up along the way of course, his right and left hands for all intents and purposes. Pepper had helped him build the legitimate face of his business and Happy had run interference in all illegal aspects, as well as literally putting himself between Tony and danger.

A short whimper of sheer terror escaped Rumlow before he seemed to almost crumple in front of them, folding in half and hitting the ground. Tony raised an eyebrow as the man landed just a few inches from his foot and groaned in annoyance before dumping the rest of his coffee on the man.

“Don’t pass out on me now, Rumlow, we’ve got— Oh, would you look at that.”

Tony drew the attention of the whole room to the TV screen, where Penelope Precious Parker had emerged from the bathroom in clean clothes. Her long hair was dripping down her back, dampening her white t-shirt just enough that Tony sent Clint a look that said Watch Yourself, Pervert. The same look was not given to Steve or Bucky, although with the way their eyes followed the woman, it should’ve been.

Rhodey bent over and hauled Rumlow back to his knees, turning him to face the TV and yanking his head back, “You see her, Rumlow? You remember her?”

Another whimper, this one with enough inflection to mean ‘yes’. Tony nodded and let out a deliberate, disappointed sigh.

“Yeah, I thought you might say that. You see, that precious little thing has just become one of the most important people in the world. In my world. Her little brother, who you threatened after hurting her in such a despicable way? He is my world,” Tony rolled his shoulders and stood up, walking around the table to get a closer look at the TV.

Penny had sat down on the couch, still well within view of the webcam, and was pulling on a pair of socks. A pair of beat up tennis shoes were on the floor next to her, having been fished out of the trunk that doubled as an end table. Bucky shifted out of the corner of his eye, watching as her shorts rode up higher on her shapely thighs as she contorted to pull on her sneakers. She continued on to gather all of her wet hair into her hands, tying it into a big messy bun on the top of her head.

“I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now,” he continued after a moment, “being confronted with your mistakes like this. You see, I go out of my way to not make mistakes. Or mistakes that could come back to haunt me, at least. I tie up my lose ends, I like pretty packages.”

“She’s a real pretty package,” Steve fucking sighed like a swooning school girl as Penny stood up and started shifting through some things on the table in front of her, bent over enough to offer an excellent view of her ass.

Tony snorted along with Sam and waved a dismissive hand in the blond’s direction. Steve and Bucky had been half infatuated with Penny when they thought she was a cruel, neglectful monster; now that they knew the truth, that Penny was precious and kind, they were falling in love just watching her through a screen.

“Now the point of this whole thing, unfortunately for you, is that you hurt Penny and you threatened Peter and by extension, you hurt and threatened me.”

There was a muffled ‘I didn’t know!’ through the gag and Tony Stark once again Did Not Roll His Eyes, because he was above that sort of thing.

“Of course not, that’s why this has to sting. You see, maybe if you just didn’t rape anyone this never would’ve happened. You never would’ve been in this situation. But instead you had to go and drug some poor girl and stick your disgusting dick in her and hurt her,” Tony rolled his head to the side and cracked his neck, “And once again, unfortunately for you, everything just kind of got more complicated from there. Because I’m not sure what to do with you at the moment.”

“Tones?” Rhodey’s eyebrows were furrowed, his hand still keeping Rumlow’s head in place.

“Right, right, let me explain to the room at large,” a flamboyant wave of Tony’s hand made everyone sit slightly straighter, “we have a couple of options going forward. The first, is take Peter and Penny, frame and kill Rumlow and be done with it,” several noises of agreement followed the sentence but Tony shook his hands again to quiet them, “Or, we could take the babies, frame Rumlow, but not kill him.”

“Why not kill him?”

“Because then we could let Peter do it. Or Penny,” Tony tapped chin and began to pace, “or, because they’re both going to be very upset in the first few months, we could use him as… incentive, to be good.”

“Hm, killing him in front of them is ballsy,” Sam stood over next to the cart of food, making himself a plate and a cup of coffee, “You want to induce Stockholm Syndrome, but the shock might be too much.”

“Are you worried about them reacting to a murder in general or like, feeling bad he was killed because of them?”

“Both, either,” Sam shrugged, “pick your favourite.”

“Why don’t we keep him around for a bit, we don’t necessarily have to make the decision today,” Steve suggested, shifting Bucky off of his lap and standing up.

The imposing man made his way towards Rumlow with his usual level of heavy swagger, natural as a result of his musculature and dimensions. Rhodey took several steps back at the approach, recognizing the glint of near ferality in the former Captain’s eyes. Getting in the blond’s way was in no one’s best interest and besides, Rhodey trusted the man implicitly. The man’s hand came down on Rumlow’s head almost gently, his fingers carding through his hair and tilting his head back to look him in the eyes. His face was swollen from Rhodey’s heavy hits already, but he could still see.

“Besides, me and Bucky are gonna need a playmate for a while. All that pent-up aggression—it’s gotta go somewhere, right, Brock?”

[of-another-broken-heart]

Having a really weird day. 

It’s a weird one!

I’m all over the place.

Or it feels like it.

Mostly I’m just. Ricocheting around this one expansive building in my dumb sprawling brain labyrinth - the one about healthcare. 

Trying to hunt down a new PCP.

Trying to find out HOW to hunt down a new PCP without wasting tons of time. I need one that isn’t going to do like my last team did. I need people who won’t fall for the siren lure of ingrained socially-supported medical fatphobia at the expense of the Hippocratic Oath. I need a healthcare team that actually provides care. I need queer acceptance. I need my concerns to be taken with seriousness and respect - and I need a doctor who won’t just handwave everything away because it’s quicker and easier to chalk it up to some other part of my very messy medical situation. I need a professional who will do their due diligence, and run the diagnostics, and make decisions based on results and data - not their personal mythical psychic assumption senses.  I need to know these things BEFORE wasting time and effort and energy and money on an appointment.  And nearly none of this is available information. Doctors are under no social pressure or obligation to make this sort of information publicly available. And “customer reviews” are rare and unreliable. The greatest failures result in death, and those people can’t very well complain, can they? The next greatest failures result in defeat and exhaustion - and those aren’t conditions conducive to leaving reviews, either. Survival, first and foremost.  I’m a perfect example of that.  Could I try to leave reviews about my last doctor in every corner I can find online that will grant me the space? Yes, I could. Am I going to? No. I don’t have the time or energy. 

Stressing about a dentist. Not thinking about the dentist. So much fucking trauma oh my god just don’t think about it. But these broken teeth though. I need a dentist.  How bad will it all actually be?  It’ll be bad. It’ll be worse than I’m prepared to handle. Just like last time. I’d love to be able to smile again. I’d love to have reasons to smile, first, of course. But it’d be nice not to be greeted by chipped holes and visible dark grey fillings that look and feel worse than the “cavities” they supposedly replaced.  It would also be nice if my jaw wasn’t lopsided. If my teeth lined up, instead of my bottom jaw being ~4mm off center. It didn’t used to be that bad. It was always a little off - the way some of my bottom teeth grew in as a kid. Was never severe enough to merit braces. Or maybe we just couldn’t afford braces. But then after some cavities and breaking teeth and botched cavity fillings that completely changed the topography of my bite... my jaw has gradually resettled, and it has done so. To the left.  But mostly I need my wisdom teeth. Fixed. Removed. I don’t know if they can be salvaged. I thought I was okay with losing them all, but the more I’ve thought about it, and thought about how my jaw has already shifted, the more scared I am that fully removing them will make it all worse. I have the space for them. If they’re removed, I’m just going to have... weird empty space?? And no teeth there for when I’m chewing??  Teeth are so stupid. I hate them. I need them. 

Mental health. Hahahaha. But for real. A psych who won’t just try to shove prozac on me. One who will give me the time of day to go through diagnosis criteria for things beyond the Big D. Sure my depression is bad, and it’s at the front of my miserable mental marching band, but my anxiety has got to the point where I’ve got painful physical symptoms, and my un-diagnosed/untreated adhd sure isn’t making any of that easier. Maybe I could finally get a lucky break with medication/treatment for one of those, and actually get some relief. Especially with the anxiety and adhd. I feel like there might be less total drugs available? So less total experimentation possible?? Maybe just wishful thinking...  And... therapy? Actual therapy??? Maybe??? I’m jaded as cynical as fuck and I know a lot of methods of therapy won’t work for me BECAUSE of how my particular pudding cup of brain fuck is mis-wired - but I’d love help. I want and need help. But it has to actually BE help. “Sometimes just talking it out helps” NOPE. N-O-P-E. I’m long past that point, honey darling dear!! I need actionable help! Techniques, challenges, tools - not just a sympathetic ear. Believe it or not, I’ve got that covered! Me, myself, and I - oh, we talk. We talk PLENTY. Relentlessly, endlessly, brutally - it’s covered. 

I learned what city he lives in.  I looked it up.  I could be there in 14 hours. It would take about $130 in gas, though. One-way.  It’s just slightly further than Manning - the place I used to stop overnight on my FL trips. It’s 120 miles further west. That’s it. A handful of hours between the two places.  It’s a fairly small city. Low cost of living. Low minimum wage, as a result - matches federal. It’s right against the state border. Hell, it might technically span into the adjoining state.  It has a surprising amount of golf course land. Population is not majority-white.  I don’t want to overdo this. But I can’t help how badly I want to know things when I’m interested. When I care.  My heart hurts. I hate that I’m like this. 

I wanted to sleep more. I’ve been up for about 4 hours. Before that, I slept for maybe 3? And before that I was up for... 5? And before that, I was in bed most of yesterday, but it was just wishing I was sleeping for hours and hours and hours, and only actually being asleep for about 2. 

I ate leftovers for dinner, instead of what was made. I had reheated pasta with meat sauce and veggies, instead of a plain breaded chicken patty and More Fucking Potatoes (pierogies). I think my brother ate what I didn’t. Which is fine. No leftovers to juggle. No food wasted.  I ate some of sister’s culinary leftovers for breakfast. Some risotto. Not sure exactly what kind. Apparently it came home with shrimp - mom ate those. I don’t know if I’ve had risotto before. It was good, but I took too much and it was tasting extra salty before I tapped out.  I made a cup of coffee again, too. I’m beginning to see the caffeine/adhd stability correlation in myself. Don’t know how to feel about that. 

I need to double-drive again today. Pick sister up. Drop sister off.  I wanted to try to shop a bit yesterday, but I was way too tired. I was also supposed to have a friend help me tackle some of the doctor-hunting yesterday, too. But... too tired. 

It’s 10 AM. I’ve got 2.5 hours until I need to drive.  I’m restless. I’m tired.  I probably can’t sleep but I’m going to try I guess. Or just sit here stalling out for 150 straight minutes until I have to go. idk.

[futurewriter2000]

Journal entry (21.11.2020)

Something to get off my chest.

I was afraid to write this on Tumblr because I don’t want people to think that I’m always complaining and trying to make others pity me but fuck what people hink because this is my blog and I can write anything I want. It’s for my own benefit. 

I want to talk about my family and I don’t know why but it’s been bugging me so much lately. It might be the lack of sleep but every night before I go to bed I feel this sad ball in my throat and this anger forming in the bottom of my stomach because I couldn’t believe how my family manipulated me through life. And I get it, manipulating a kid when it’s still a kid. The innocent manipulation, like going to the dentists and santa claus will not give you presents if you don’t clean your room (even though I’m a Muslim and don’t celebrate Christmas) but just an example. 

And my parents were strict, both of them my whole childhood and teenage years. It’s now that I’m 20 that both of them sort of softened up but you know what? I feel like that doesn’t give me any justice. 

I hate my dad. I hate my mum too for doing this to me; using my lifelong childhood wish, the one you just wanted your whole life, you know. And mine was a bit dumb but I had always wanted to rescue a dog from a shelter and I always wanted to adopt the oldest one, the one that was there the longest because I know I don’t have much time with them but I want them to feel home. I want them to feel what home is, at least once in their life. I don’t want to buy an expensive purse dog that will literally get home with a snap of a fingers. No, I want to rescue the dog that looks a bit different from other dogs because it’s a mix of breeds and was a cast out. I know he’s probably traumatized from life but I want him or her to feel love. I want to share that love with someone who will appreaciate it and I believe that dogs, as loyal as they are, deserve so much more love then they are given. I had always wanted a dog. For myself and for that specific dog because I just know how much of a dog can mean in one life time but our time is long but theirs is short and I just want them to have a taste of life when all they are, are locked inside a cage. 

That was my unfulfiled wish since I was 7 years old. And now I’m 20 years old and still dogless. Not one dog. But I think the cruelest thing my dad ever did to me was promise me a dog when I was so weak. I was studying for my final exams and I was beyond exhausted. Beyond I just wanted to sleep for months in my bed but he came, promising me a dog- how I deserve it, how I wished for it and that night I wept for three hours from joy but you know what happened?

I realised what he wanted. 

He wanted a dog. He wanted a specific dog breed from Bosnia with a black head and white body. It was that specific. He wanted the furry one, big one... 

And know we have a flat and that dog is meant to be outside because it’s a dog that protects the house. That dog breed is a protector, not just a pet to lay all day in a flat and I just knew that this breed of dog would be miserable in this flat... with us....

I think I cried when my sister told me that dad said; “It’s her dog but I choose the breed and I choose what dog.”

But the choice was part of my wish. I wanted a rescue, not a specific breed. That wouldn’t be my dog. That dog would be his wish, not mine and I think that I cried so much that night at this realisation that he had manipulated me yet again because it still brings such pain and suffering for me. Hope... I had hope, man. I always have hope and that hope is always faded into the dark pit of disappointment. It’s like somebody kicked a child and that child is me- the child in me is so brutally burnt, kicked, punched, broken constantly and I think that was the last straw for my dad. 

Maybe that’s why I’m so petty and rude to him. Because he had just done me so wrong throughout life (besides this stupid dog wish he had done plenty of things that police would have to take care of but never did because we never called the police).

I guess, I can’t with my mom either. She just left me here. She promised me she’ll take me with her but she just left. That shit hurts like a motherfucker man. 

And my sister? She’s the worst, right behind my dad because she had always made me feel less than I am. She ruined my self-confidence, she had crushed me emotionally and the reason I am shy, the reason I don’t do half of the things is because of her. I hate when people say, we’re sisters, we’re supposed to love each other. I can’t love somebody like this. I do love her but every day less cuz every day she makes me feel less. She had never motivated me, only brought me down, she was never there. It was always her friends more than me, her more than me... I can’t open up, I used to hate my breasts because they are a bit bigger, much bigger than hers and every time she saw them she made a nasty comment about it and said they were disgusting. My breasts are normal. They are beautiful. I finally realised that my body image is my business- my breasts are my business. She hated everything on my body so I hated it too. I hated my body so much because of her. My teeth, my ears, my hands, my breasts, my stomach, my legs, thighs, my eyebrows, my chin, my lips, my voice, my laugh, even my vagina man... how can you be that cruel to a girl who’s going through puberty. She was so cruel and the worst part is that she never realised that. She still doesn’t just how ignorant she is. 

I became cold after I turned 16. Not because I wanted to. I just thought I was so cold all the time. I felt like I had nothing to offer, not my knowledge, not desire, not joy, not pride... nothing... and that was like a constant pain that everybody never saw but made fun of. 

My dad made fun of my passion for art and music, even my biggest passion like writing. 

My mum never believed in me. Never. She thought I would fall apart and that she can fix me into a person she wants me to be. I was not supposed to suffer like her but she wanted me to in a way. Not in a bad way, she just wanted me to constantly be a chair for her to sit on, always by her side but I was falling apart and she wasn’t there. She left... And it was not the leaving that broke me... it was the fact that she promised that she’ll find us a home and take me with her but now it’s gonna be 3 years from that promise and I went through ton shit with my dad and I’m planning to go to the capital next year. I don’t ever want to live here.

My sister made me hate myself. She was the pretty sister, the smart sister, the responsible sister and every time I wanted to come out of her shadow, she pushed me right back in. She got more than me, she’s the princess in the family and well, I’m appereantly the bad guy in the family. 

You see, nobody in my family, nobody, not my cousins, not anybody... nobody believes I grew out of that kid. Of that kid that lied and kept making a rucus in the house. That kid was gone by the age of 11 and family never meant family to me. 

My best friend’s (at the time- 2 years ago) family was felt more home and family than my own family .Do you know how fucked up that is? 

I can never forgive my dad for 13. 4. 2018 and 7. 9. 2018. Those days are the most clear days in my life and I hate them both. I just can’t seem to forget them... I can’t forgive my dad period. I feel like I will always be angry with him because he created this ugly flaws in me that come out when he’s around and god I hate them. 

I say that leaving my family will be the happiest day in my life. I feel like I could just disappear into the world and never look back. Not to anybody in my life. Not to my “friends”, not to “family”- I’d just leave and throw away my phone and throw away my past and just live like I have the world in my hands. 

But of course, I’m not heartless and I would reach out to my mom. I know she didn’t mean to do the things she did to me- the bad things I mean. She is actually someone really strong. She had much worse life then me, twice or three tim much worse life and she never deserved what she got with my dad. She sacrifcied so much and I love her for that. Maybe she left me but I would never leave her. 

So, yeah. Let’s disappear. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #281

“is there a method to your madness, is it all about pride? ‘cuz everyone i know, they’ve got a demon inside.”

Has anyone ever told you that you looked like a celebrity? No, just a video game character and an animated movie girl when I had black hair. What color is the pillowcase(s) on your bed? Brown. Do you have a favorite day of the week? Tuesday because it’s reset day in WoW and as a mount farmer, that means I get to try my raids for the week again to continue to be denied. :’) Have you ever been in an art show? An art show, I don’t think so. I’ve had two or three things in an art museum, though. Would you consider yourself to be well-exposed to life or sheltered? I’m pretty split down the middle, I’d say. I’ve seen far more emotional pain than I think most young adults have, but at the same time, I’ve very under-exposed to adult experiences. How high is your pain tolerance? It depends on the type of pain. I can particularly say I do NOT handle stomach pains well, though. Have you ever played the game Halo? Nah, those weren’t my type. Have you ever had to learn lines for a play/skit/movie? Only songs sung together for plays in elementary school. Never solo. Do you like your nose? … Sure? Kissing someone with facial hair, do you mind? I don’t care. Would you ever like to be a stunt person? I’m fucking dumb, I read this and thought “you mean little people?” until I read the last person’s answer lmaooo. Anyway, no. I’m not ballsy enough for that shit. Are you a pyromaniac? I find fire pretty, but it still can scare me if I’m too close to it. Are you one of those people who listen to songs on repeat? 110%, it’s literally what I’m doing now lmao. Can any of your friends sing very well? SARA. Would you ever enter any kind of pageant? No, no, no, no. I really don’t support pageants of any type I can think of, beauty in particular. What a way to scream “HEY THEY’RE BETTER THAN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, again, especially in beauty pageants. That fucks people up. What a way to start things like self-loathing, eating disorders, body dysphoria, etc. Do you have piano fingers? Mom has always told me that, “like Grammy.” Have you ever slept on a beach? YIKES, no. I ain’t fuckin’ with the tides going in and out or just a massive wave. I’d also feel WAY too vulnerable. Would you like to be taller? I’m cool with my current height. Are you a fan of piercings on the opposite sex? I just like piercings in general. Have you ever been attacked by an animal? No, besides play getting too rough. Is there a movie that makes you cry every single time you watch it? It’s easy to do that lol. The Notebook in particular will 100% make me tear up. What's your opinion on Johnny Depp? He’s an incredibly talented actor that I find very attractive, but I don’t know him as a person. Can you speak in different accents? Just British and southern. Who was the last person you mocked/mimicked? My nephew, playfully of course. If you write, isn't writer's block the most horrible thing? THE ABSOLUTE WORST. What size shirt do you normally wear? Ugggghhh generally 2XL, I think. It can be one size smaller or one size larger depending on the shirt. Has anyone ever aimed a gun at you? Yikes, no. Have you ever written a song? Just poems. Do you believe there is life on other planets? It’s possible, but I don’t particularly lean a certain way, I think. The universe is just… infinite, you know? But also the circumstances that life rose within Earth were so remarkably perfect to support it that I don’t entirely know if it’s been duplicated elsewhere. When was the last time you fell? Around two weeks ago? I have extremely low blood pressure naturally but also amplified by medications’ side effects, and I got out of bed too fast when I woke up. Hurt my knees pretty bad and barely missed my head hitting the couch. Do you have any sort of debt? I do NOT want to think about this. Is there a specific time period that interests you? The era of dinosaurs of course, as well as the Renaissance, just to name a couple. Do any of your friends own an expensive car? *shrugs* Have you ever been on a train? No. Have you ever been in a parade? No. Are you, or anyone you know, an atheist? I know plenty. Have you ever sent a celebrity fan mail? No. Have you ever been in a musical? No. Is there a friend's family that makes you feel like you're family too? Yeah, Sara’s. Even though I’ve only been with them not that long of a time, they’re wonderful and made me feel so welcome. Do you ever have a fear of getting close to new people? Boy, do I!!!!! It’s funny though, because at the same time, I want to be close with people; I want to rush to the point I have a close friend. It’s weird. What is the worst things about work? N/A And the best? N/A Do you like to sleep in? Not really, honestly. I feel groggy and lazier than I naturally am lmao. Do you like to be an early bird? Well I’m in my best mood in the morning, but I don’t like waking up early. However, I’ve been planning a morning routine to adopt once we move that involves waking up at like 7 or so, so we’ll see how much I enjoy mornings then. But oh boy do I have a habit of saying I’ll do something and then not doing it, so… What is something you notice you just don't watch? History stuff and usually action. Last thing that bothered you even if just a little bit? Something Miss Tobey said to me a few days ago. Last thing that seemed a blessing from above? I don’t believe in supernatural “blessings,” but I’ll bite. The thing that made me happiest recently was uhhhh… I actually don’t know. Nothing that REALLY felt “blessing-ish.” Do you usually drink diet or regular soda? Regular; I can’t do diet. It tends to taste horrible but more importantly the artificial sweetener gives me a wicked headache. Are you on a diet? Not a diet, no. I’m more so just trying to make it a habit to simply eat better and not snack. Someone you highly respect who is not in your family? Sara’s dad. Did you say 'goodnight' to anyone last night? I don’t think I did. Does anyone ever comment on the appearance of your handwriting? People tend to point out it’s really nice. Have you looked at anyone's Facebook profile lately? Whose? Nah. Did you have a cake for your last birthday? What kind? Yeah, red velvet. Can you recall the first horror film you ever watched? How old were you? I actually don’t think I can. Maybe Paranormal Activity? Or The Blair Witch Project? When’s the last time that you mailed a letter or a package to someone, and who was it to? Sara’s bday gift I think. The last book that you checked out from the library? I haven’t done that in years. What was your pet’s last vet visit concerning? Roman got neutered, and the only time I took Venus to the vet was when I first got her and she refused food for almost a year. Changed the tactic of warming the mouse up and she was more than happy to snag it. Which animals do you tend to go check out first at the pet store? The reptiles, because they’re closest and also my favorite section. Last medication or item that you picked out from the drugstore? Nicole picked up a bunch of my prescriptions that needed refilling. Do you usually have a big list or a small list when you go to the grocery store? I don’t do the shopping here, so it’s not my choice. How much was the last check you deposited? How about the last amount that you took out? I have no clue. Have you ever been admitted into the emergency room? For what? Being suicidal and then a suicide attempt. Have you ever been arrested before? Ridden in the back of a police car? No to the first, but yes to the second because that’s just how you’re transported from the ER to the psych hospital here. Have you ever been a victim of a house fire? Thank God no. When did you graduate high school? 2014. How much gas can fit in your gas tank? N/A Does your vehicle break down a lot? N/A What’s the longest you’ve ever had to wait before being seated at a sit-down restaurant? I want to say at LEAST 45 minutes once. Can’t remember why it was so busy, though. Have you ever had a cavity before? How about a root canal? A tooth pulled? Braces? I’ve had cavities and braces, but thank Christ no root canals, and I’ve never had to have a tooth pulled by the dentist, either. Which art forms do you appreciate the most? Man, you can’t ask this to someone who enjoys art so deeply. Like I really don’t know what I enjoy *most*. Music can give me chills, poetry can be so rich and, well, poetic, and traditional artwork strikes awe and makes you wonder how they do it. I just adore art. What is your favorite zoo animal that you would like to set free? To start, I have very mixed feelings about zoos, but I guess I am *mostly* in favor of humane, adequately providing captivity to a certain degree as this allows for conservation of especially endangered species, and zoos also make it easier to study and understand the silent voices of those we share the earth with. As well, they offer a safe environment to expose the fearful to all sorts of animals, and I feel it is very, very important for humans as the alpha species to care for and understand (as best our language barriers allow) our wonderful neighbors. That being said, I definitely believe that a lot of zoos under-provide for their animals, and this is horribly heartbreaking so that I absolutely disagree with their “right” to own and display animals, but for this specific question, I am going to use my state’s zoo as the standard here. Ashboro, imo is pretty damn great and generous to their animals (you should see the miles of land the elephants, bison, antelope, and rhinos have!), but the exhibit that comes to mind first when mentioning animals I’d like to set free iiiis… you know, I don’t know. I was going to say the polar bears since it can get STUPID hot here in the summer and their abode doesn’t have a great amount of ice that survives the sun, but at the same time I’d be very wary about returning a polar bear home for… obvious reasons. I say “I don’t know” because I’m not gonna pretend to know what ample space is for so many different kinds of animals. Damn, now I really wanna go there. Wow this was a long answer to a p simple question lmao. Favorite kind of fish? I don’t have a distinctly “favorite” fish, really. I don’t know enough of ‘em, but I can say I really like clownfish and angelfish. What kinds of museum artifacts fascinate you? Whew, as someone who took Art History just last year in school, ancient art pieces of all sorts! It is so, so fascinating, watching the evolution of art and to see how the urge to just create extends so, so far back into history. Have you ever gone to court before? For a disability case, yes. Also to convince a judge that I didn’t need to stay in a mental hospital for I think the original plan was around six months. What is the last song that you danced to? Ha ha I watching Hotel Transylvania with my niece and nephew and did the macarena with ‘em. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink? Margaritas or sangrias. Is there anyone that you’ve visited in jail? No. Are you more likely to fly in an airplane, or pick people up/drop them off at the airport? Historically, pick people up. Which sporting event would you be most likely to sit through? Dance competitions. Favorite flavor of ice cream? Cone or dish? Any sprinkles? My favorite Basic Bitch flavor is vanilla, just with chocolate syrup. Cone or dish just depends on what I’m feelin’, really. I hate sprinkles on anything; the texture throws me off. Have you ever cut your own hair? No. What do you eat most frequently? Uggghhhh some form of bread, probably. Are you a fan of video games? Yeah, but not as much as I used to be. What's your favorite color combination? Idk really, I like a lot. I will say though that orange and black excites me bc Halloween Vibes. Did you share a locker at school? No. What's one sport you could never play? Wrestling, ew. Have you ever sung karaoke? Oh god no. What is the oldest age you think should wear makeup? lmao BRO tell me this a joke How old were you when you went on your first date? Idr, sometime in the 7th grade, if group dates in middle school even count? lol Has anyone besides your family seen you naked? Yeah. If so, who? An ex and probably doctors at some point? Did your parents sign you up for anything you hated as a child? Sunday school, really. Have you purchased any cool objects from a foreign country? Considering I’ve never left the country, no. Are you on a laptop or a desktop computer right now? I only have a laptop. Do you remember anyone's number by heart? No, but I seriously need to memorize my mom’s. Do you live above, below, or on the Equator? Above. Do you know how to use Photoshop? I know how to do a decent number of things, but I’m definitely no expert. Where was your first job? I was a sales associate at GameStop. What's the best place you have ever eaten? Olive Garden is fucking fantastic, fite me about it. Do you own a hair straightener? No, I don’t need one. Are you barefoot right now? I always am at home unless it’s cold enough to need slippers. Are you subscribed to any magazine? Nah. Do you need AC right now? No; it’s actually pretty cold inside rn. Do more people call you by a nickname or your first name? It’s just a derivative of my first name; “Britt.” But I guess that classifies as a nickname. Name something you're proud of. Deciding to actually *try* to move on and making massive progress through it with That Person. Lately I’ve wondered if I truly have, though. My PTSD has been really bad of the late. Does any accent annoy you? I can’t say it “annoys” me, given you can’t really control your accent, but I do find it difficult to understand extremely southern accents, even as a local. Do you take vitamins? This just reminded me I’ve been out of my Vitamin D prescription for a while… oops. I’m supposed to take it for my legs. When was the last time you took aspirin or some other pain reliever? Yesterday, actually. I had a pretty bad headache. When was the last time you deeply regretted something? God, last night, I was remembering and accepting some things. Lemme just say I regret the everloving fuck out of the subject. What is something that you regularly wear that makes you stand out? Besides my lip ring, nothing in particular. Do you prefer small birthday parties or big ones? Small. I just don’t like big gatherings in general. What song are you listening to now? “Creatures X: To The Grave” by Motionless In White. What was the most traumatic experience of your life? The breakup w/ Jason. I’ve told the story enough in surveys and I don’t wanna recite it again. Who was your childhood best friend? Brianna. Are you still friends now? On Facebook, anyway, but we don’t talk. If not, why? We just drifted apart. What is one career you don't think you could do no matter how much it paid? Butcher. No fucking way. Have you ever edited Wikipedia? No. Have you ever edited any other wiki? Oh yeah; I’m an admin at the Silent Hill wiki and have invested hours upon hours upon hours helping out there for years. I’m also a content moderator at the Team Ico wiki, and I’ve also assisted a lot at the meerkats wiki because it is a fucking grammatical and formatting catastrophe. I think that’s it? Wait no, I did a few fixes on the Dragons of Atlantis wiki when it was still at the Kabam website, too. Is there a website [besides social networking] that you check almost daily? Yeah, a few. Do you get scared when you know some virus or sickness is being passed? I wouldn’t say I get scared, no. Just more aware and cautious. What’s the worst illness you’ve had? I’ve had a fucking wicked stomach virus before. (TMI alert?) I would not stop puking to the point it was agonizing to the point of tears because my muscles were so exhausted. Which do you prefer: M&M's, Skittles, or Reese's Pieces? BITCH can I choose all???? But in almost any chocolate-related case, I will choose a Reese’s product. Where on your body would you never get a tattoo? I don’t plan on getting a face tattoo, or at least a big one. Maybe something small and cute. OH YEAH EW absolutely never getting my sclera tattooed. That looks painful as a motherfucker. Honestly, have you ever stuck gum under a table or desk? No, that shit is disgusting. If your parents could read your thoughts, would you be in trouble? Not usually. Mom might be mad sometimes when I’m angry at her. Have you ever egged somebody's house or car? No, that’s childish as shit. My childhood house was egged once, so it pisses me off especially. Do you like licorice? UGH no, that shit is disgusting. Did anybody ever read bedtime stories to you when you were younger? My mom did. Which natural disaster do you find the most terrifying? Tornadoes or earthquakes. Do you have a favorite Johnny Depp movie? What is it? Alice in Wonderland. If I gave you a Yo-Yo right now, could you do any tricks? Nope.

[tessatechaitea]

Black Canary: New Wings #1

Nothing says Seattle more than a fishnetted woman in a blond wig and bustier preparing to kick your ass.

I remember being excited about this series when it came out but I can't remember why I felt excited about it. Is that a metaphor for life? Why can't I feel the joy in the remembrance? I look at it now and just think, "This looks fucking boring." And that's me being boring! Usually I'd say something like, "If this comic book were an imaginary genetic disorder, it would be reverse Prader-Willi Syndrome because I don't want more of it ever." Holy shit that was terrible. Especially since "reverse Prader-Willi Syndrome" is probably Angelman syndrome. And this comic book isn't that at all because it doesn't make me happy or thirsty. I never actually said I was funny! The words, "I have a great sense of humor named Marcus," never passed my keyboard. That's what you chose to believe! But that other thing you believed, the one where I'm a terrible person who would make light of serious genetic disorders for the sake of a truly terrible metaphor? Yeah, that's true. I own that one. "Black Canary" is an anagram for "Crack by anal." I'm suddenly more interested in this comic book because it must secretly be about doing crack through your butthole or else why would that anagram exist? I just realized what I've been doing wrong my entire life. It's more fun to live by Coast to Coast AM midnight caller logic where you believe every thought that enters your head must be true rather than have to live within the confines of reality! The issue begins with the host of a Seattle radio station asking callers this question: "Does migrating gang activity threaten Seattle's Asian neighborhoods?" Probably! I bet it's all that anal crack coming up from Southern California! If you're not a American, I added that so you understand where all the gangs migrate from in the United States. Seattle is too overcast and wet to come up with its own gang activity. Nobody would be threatened by The Puddle-Jumpers or The Caffeine Splashettes or Pike's Place Bass Solos or The Ardent Un-Umbrellaists or We Love Trees, Bitch. At first I was going to be upset about the "migrating gangs" comment because I'm the stereotypical Californian who wound up living in the Pacific Northwest. But it's not totally my fault since my divorced dad moved up here and I spent a lot of time up here and I fell in love with it up here. So I guess that's one thing I can think my father for! The radio host calls for the people in the Asian community to rise up and kick gang ass to help make their streets safer. And he doesn't just talk the talk! He kicks the ass the kicks the ass! Why doesn't that work like "talk the talk"?!

I don't know how the drug dealer managed to give his money to the buyer and get his ass kicked to boot. What a lousy businessman.

Even though I don't recognize her name, I'm glad to see a woman is writing this comic book. That probably means we won't have more than two scenes where Black Canary is wearing a towel or kicking ass in her underwear. Oh wait! I'm a male infused with male gaze! I meant to say, "I'm sad to see a woman is writing this comic book. That probably means we won't have more than two scenes where Black Canary is wearing a towel or kicking ass in her underwear." Whew! I almost betrayed my gender for a second! I must be low on testosterone! I'd better go out on the street and "accidentally" bump into a guy smaller than me so I can start some shit! Okay, I'm back! Did you know small guys are pretty tough? Also, do you think I need to make an appointment with a dentist if several of my teeth feel lose? Do they just naturally stiffen back up if I stop wiggling them with my tongue?! I sit staring at the page following the one I scanned for several minutes. I don't know if it's just too confusing with all that's happening or the kick of testosterone my body just received from the fight. It could also be head trauma from totally winning the fight.

The terrible business man drug dealer is a black guy working for a white supremacist Neo-Nazi. He calls the radio host a China Doll which seems weird although kudos to him for not being gendered in his racial slurs, I guess? According to the footprint patterns on the ground, they were also practicing a dance while wrestling over drug money. The drug dealer admits to having lost his money in a drug deal for the third time this week because I don't even know how that happens. He hands the money to the buyer to let the buyer make the change? Nearby, Dinah can't sleep because the birds outside of her window are too loud and maybe the dancing going on under her window but she looks to the sky when she sticks her head out of the window so what am I supposed to believe? She decides to read some relaxing literature about the feminist politics of housework and then gives up to go practice her judo. That's a fucking lot going on in one page!

Later, Dinah does her budget for the month and discovers Green Arrow is spending too much money on boxing glove arrows. Apparently being a Seattle vigilante doesn't bring in much cash and Dinah has been paying all the bills with her Sherwood Florist flower shop. I guess Oliver Queen didn't have any money in 1991? Maybe Crisis on Infinite Earths wiped out his bank account and he wouldn't get it back until Zero Hour? Anyway, Dinah is pretty pissed with Oliver's spending habits.

I know Dinah is chastising Ollie for being a brutish pig here but technically he wins the argument because she describes his sexing as hot.

Dinah heads up to the Quinault Indian Reservation to get some mystic wisdom from Aunty Wren, an elderly Native American woman. Her advice is "Ask the douchebag for help." It comes across as a critique of Black Canary being too prideful to ask for help because she's a strong woman who doesn't need anybody. But I like to think the point of the advice is this: if Oliver isn't helping out, ask him to help. If he doesn't help out after asking him to, you now know he's a useless piece of unforgivable shit that needs to be thrown in a dumpster. If I don't think that then I have to think this: Oh, sure! Blame the woman for needing to be too strong! How about blaming the man for being a grown ass man child that won't take responsibility without being told to take it after which he'll only grouse about how much he's being nagged. But then again, I don't need any more reasons to dislike Green Arrow than this one: he's a fucking Robin Hood cosplayer with stupid facial hair who fights against modern weapons with a bow and arrows. Aunty Wren introduces Dinah to Gan Nguyen, the radio show host vigilante. He's also an Asian translator for the Quinault. Gan and Dinah flirt a bit while getting to know each other before heading back to Seattle on the ferry. While Dinah is in the toilet, Gan gets jumped by some gang members who have been looking for him. Dinah changes into Black Canary, kicks some ass, and saves the day. Later, Gan is all, "I know it was you who saved me but I won't say that explicitly! Just so you know you can tell me if you want to tell me and I won't say anything but I know and you know I know!" Dinah is all, "Yeah, yeah. Whatever." And that's almost the end except for an epilogue that's some pretty damn fine and insightful writing about our country and what the fuck has been going wrong (and gone wrong) with it.

Fucking hell that's good stuff.

Black Canary: New Wings #1 Rating: A. This is why I'm sad comic books are no longer really affordable. In 1991, this comic book was $1.75 which was easily cheap enough to pick it up and see what it was about. Doing so let me read a really great story with a point of view and something to say. If this were on the shelves today at $4.00, the only people giving it a chance would be Black Canary fans. That's a fucking shame and the main problem with print comics today. They're just too fucking expensive to take a chance on anything that isn't already in your fandom alley (or by a writer or artist you love). Not to mention how the cover didn't excite me at all! But I still picked it up to see what was going on with Black Canary and apparently past me liked it as much as current me because I got the whole mini-series and at least a few issues of the series that followed it. Well done, Sarah Byam!

[safflowerseason]

veep rewatch - 2.09

Season Two, Episode Nine - Running

aka - The One Where Selina Gets High 

(this is such a great episode of Veep. truly a classic. It has everything. Dan and Amy being cute, Ben and Kent with their Oscar/Felix routine, Jonah actually serving a purpose in the plot, Mike at his most hapless, Selina trying to take her future into her own hands, and Gary making things worse by being Gary.) 

~*~

“Mood is good…we just need six more years like today and they will vote us POTUS.” This seriously might be the only example of Dan thinking long-term in the entire show. Six whole years! Although obviously he’s not really thinking about sticking with Selina for that long, as this episode proves. 

Amy in a pregnancy-concealing shirt-dress. I think this is her first shirt-dress of the series! (I have mixed feelings about it.)

“I don't know. One of Gaddafi's sons. They're polling better.”

All the “in six years when we run!” talk in this episode—so unsubtle that it’s very clearly not going to be six years—makes me wonder when the writers officially decided that Selina would become President. Actually, since it was likely planned from the beginning, instead I would ask how they decided it should happen, and at which point in the show.

“Young Chungers.” Shoot me in the face. 

I like that they still have Secret Service Agent Martin from S1 on Selina’s detail…good continuity work. 

They build up so sneakily to the bit with the glass door! 

Selina’s Secret Service code name is Duchess. I wonder what everyone else’s code names are during S4, when they finally make it to the White House. It’d be hilarious if Dan’s were something like “Douchebag” or “Frat Boy.” 

Selina: Do you have a mirror? Gary:…No. Selina: *angrily* Yes, you do. 

“So we both jump together…like Butch and Sundance.” I melt. (Also, I fully just realized I named their kid Cassidy in my fic...just like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Oh my god. This show has fully imprinted on my subconscious.)

“I guess we just follow the trail of her blood and Gary’s tears.”

Awww, Dan literally speeds up to get to the door so he can open it for Amy. (I know it’s for the joke but STILL.)

“That would solve ALL my validation issues with my dad!”

“Amy, look at how tiny I can make myself.”

Jonah: The VP’s office can be very insubordinate, they insubord me all the time…do you know that they call me Jonad? That’s tantamount to calling the President Jonad! Ben: No it’s not. He is the President. You are Jonad. 

Dan-Amy parent-watch: immediately recognizing that Selina is high as a fucking kite and they have to explain it to Gary and Mike. 

Mike: Everyone is going to know that she walked through a glass door, Dan, because she looks like she walked through a fucking glass door Selina: *gesturing to her face* Yeah, check this out!

“There’s a press van out there, Mike, you better hope that Russell Crowe is getting ready to jump!” One of my favorite Dan lines. 

“I’ve had my stomach pumped before, I think I can figure it out.”

“Jesus, look at his stupid gaping mouth. Let’s put stuff in it.” 

“I can even say your name the other way…han-oj.”

That shot of Selina and Mike both passed out in the hotel suite bedroom. Perfect. 

Amy: So she’s either crazy, or she’s starting a presidential campaign. Dan: Yeah, I’d say the two are synonymous.  All I wanted for these two was to babysit unstable narcissistic politicians together for the rest of their lives. 

“Fix it, or I'll liaise your balls to your desk.”

“All I'm saying is that there are going to be difficult choices to make, you know? Like Sophie's Choice choices, except more important because it's gonna be about me.”

Reid Scott looks very good in his douchey expensive sunglasses and outerwear. And he’s wearing one of his Slytherin ties. 

“Burn everything incriminating, including this building! Burn all the White House pets and then yourselves! Burn yourselves first.”

“Oh god, this zipper is like a cheese-grater on my dick!”

Ben: So which one of us do you think Andre the Giant Jagoff is gonna obey?  Kent: Jonah?  Ben: Yeah. Kent: 100 bucks says you. Ben: Really?  Kent: He’s an idiot. I'm surprised he gets to work without being hit by a car or punched in the mouth. I like to think that during Jonah’s impeachment hearings, Kent would come by to visit Ben and they would watch him on the tv and talk about what a complete fuck-up he still was. 

Love that little moment of Dan supporting Mike after they’ve been running…I like the begrudging harmony between them that emerges in this season (which is still mostly disdain). Their conversation in 7.02 about Mike’s email address is, like, one of Dan’s more human moments in the whole final season. 

Amy parent!watch: Amy: Well done, ma’am. Selina: I am done. Amy: Mmhmm, yes ma’am, you’re all done! Amy’s inflection here is exactly like she’s talking to a little child…like she’s soothing her daughter who just had a vaccination or a dentist appointment. Absent-minded but still reassuring, repetitive platitudes designed to deflect emotional blow-ups. 

Dan to Mike about Selina buying Mike’s boat. “Man, that’s low…that’s like trying to have sex with someone who’s passed out.” 

[peachydyoung]

money talks | k.dy (m)

— genre ➙  sugardaddy!au + smut + angst — words ➙ 8k i love writing doyoung please kill me — member ➙ kim dongyoung — warnings ➙ graphic smut, dirty talk, rough sex, softdom!doyoung + sub!reader, oral sex, fingering + strong language + inappropriate scenario // 2 smuts in one

The owner of a multi-billion dollar company plans to invest in your career for a small price. He gives you one rule... Don’t get attached.

↳ 01 completed

— ⚠️ DISCLAIMER⚠️ ➙  This contains a very problematic scenario. I personally do not advocate for this, and please know that this is writing, a story with an intriguing topic to read about, not to act upon. Each fic will have their own set of warnings, look at them and evaluate if they are for you. My intention is not to offend, or trigger anybody, I am here to entertain you and exercise my passion as a writer. a/n here’s a nice long doyoung smut, 2 sex scenes cause there is never enough and doyoung my bias. 

“I haven’t seen you before,” A dark-haired, broad-shouldered man smiled, raising his wine glass in front of him. His penetrating eyes and gummy smile made you unconsciously lift yours. Although it was your first time at this party, you wondered why you hadn’t seen him earlier. He was senselessly gorgeous.

You were insecure under his stare, he stood there in front of you with his fancy suit and handsome face. The only dresses you could afford were the ones from forever 21. And even then it was still a little much. Nonetheless, you could always manage to make five dollars look like hundred.

“Uh, yeah, I’m a plus one,” you said apprehensively, but the man seemed to catch on to it. Taeyong had brought you along and asked that you mingle to make more connections. He noticed that you were becoming more and more insecure about your photography with every new job that turned you down.

“Mmm,” He hummed, taking a sip of his wine and letting his eyes rake over your body. “So you’re here with a man? Women? By yourself?” He was easy on the eyes, especially wearing an expensive black suit and being in his mid or late twenties.

“My friend… you might know him, his name is Taeyong. He’s pretty popular amongst the mainstream dancing thing. He has a lot of friends.” His eyes widened comically, a big smile playing on his youthful skin as he let out a laugh. You didn’t wanna be here at all, but you knew coming here meant photography connections and you needed that before college ended.

“Me and Taeyong? We go way back,” He said grinning as if he was reliving a past memory. “Can I?” he gestured to the open chair next to you, his smile making you say yes to anything he could have asked.

“Yeah of course!” You adjusted your body to look more presentable. With a nod, he sat on the stool next to you, placing his glass on the counter of the fancy bar and drumming his fingers on the granite counter.

“So…has no other man come to talk to you yet?” Your cheeks were blanketed in a red sheer glow as he asked the question. To answer his question, no, nobody had come to talk to you. You either scared them away or were a ghost to the rich and snobby crowd.  “I apologize if it makes you uncomfortable it’s just a question a man has when they see a beautiful woman sitting alone—I’m Doyoung by the way, Kim Dongyoung.” He had manners too, something you liked in a guy. And this one wasn’t a frat boy, he was a real man with a job.

“I’m Y/N, and no, nobody has.” The beginnings of a smirk were present on his small lips. His answer didn’t shock him,  he knew that you would be his by the end of the night. “And if you’re wondering, I don’t have a boyfriend either,” You added on playfully, earning a chuckle.  He sipped his drink, mischievous twinkling in his eyes.

“Well, I don’t have a girlfriend either.” A smile illuminated his face, he looked down, something about it was bittersweet. “So what do you do?” He asked. “What do you do to make a life for yourself.”

“Photographer, I’m a photographer.” He nodded. “I uh, I’m going to college right now majoring in photography, which is going very well. I want to break into high fashion photography for models, especially nude shoots, those are always fun.” He laughed, it was deep, low, and genuine. “It’ll never happen though, should've become a dentist like my mom suggested.” You paused momentarily, holding eye contact with the man. His eyes were dark, narrow, and discerning.  “Fine art photography is my backup, but it’s even harder to make a name for yourself. Photography is hard to break into now, you know.” You laughed awkwardly. “Part-time jobs are my income and will continue to be that way.”

“Consider yourself lucky. At Least you’re doing something you love. Do you know how many people have money and office jobs and hate it… a lot, I’ll tell you that much.” You guessed he was right, he looked rich enough to make the assumption. “ If photography truly makes you happy, pursuing it is the only way to go. We live most of our lives in work anyways,, don’t play dentist because your mom said so. Novelty wears off.”

“And are you happy?” You tilted your head, earning a silent laugh from him.

“Do you know who I am?” He inquired, looking more and more smug by the minute. “Never heard of KDY Enterprises? Or Entertainment?.” You were ashamed of not knowing, nodding your head no shyly. He didn’t seem to mind, he actually looked a little… happy?

“So you have money? And an office job?” He was hesitant to answer you but decided to say it anyway.

“Yeah, yeah I do.”

“So, tell me first hand, do you hate your job, does the novelty of money wear off?” He cocked his head to the side, his tongue poking from his cheek as he swallowed your playful retort.

“You know what people don’t know?” He asked, setting down his drink and narrowing his eyes at you. “I might have a busy job, but money never gets old. Despite what people think, I can buy happiness.”

“Sure you can. You can buy food, mattresses, houses, plane tickets, all of which that would make one happy, me included. But what’s the point of buying a house when it’s empty? You can have a bag of groceries, but you won’t finish all the food. Mattresses get cold when one side is slept on more than the other.”

A shaky sigh left his lips, you guessed that nobody had really talked to him like this, after all, he was the CEO of his own company. “My penthouse is pretty empty,” He shrugged, ogling you. “My bed’s cold as well.” A sly smirk found its way to his face. “I like sharing. With my friends… family...charity.” You chuckled at him, sipping wine from your own glass.

“I know people in the fashion business, I know models, I know photographers.” You knew a business opportunity when you saw one, you cocked your eyebrow and looked at him through hooded eyes.

“I don’t follow.” You looked everywhere but him, at the ceiling, at the ground, just left of his head. You even spotted Taeyong talking to some girl. But you were too nervous to look at him, too nervous to hear what he would propose.

“Because I’m lonely and rich as you so kindly pointed out,” He retorted. “Why don’t I help you with your photography dream. And If you’re so willing we can even share a  bed.” You started at him, watching as he got up from his chair and stepping in front of you.

“And how did you intend on doing that?”

“Sweetheart, come with me and let me show you.”

With his arm outstretched and his hand offered. You took it, not knowing you made a deal with the devil.

A year later

Your eyes hurt and were dry from keeping them open. Your photoshop was broken, and you couldn't email the photos without your computer shutting down. No matter how hard you tried none of your photographs were looking the way you’d imagine them to turn out like. Fine art photography wasn’t supposed to be forced, but you’ve been in a rut for at least a month.

It wasn’t always like this. Your creativity would be bursting at the seams when he was there. Everything seemed to be going right when Doyoung showed up. When he was gone it was like you were living your days in an endless loop of loneliness and fame. The world went on without you, life passed you. It was when you were with Doyoung that you could catch up to it again. Without him, you were stuck, life stopped.

Doyoung offered you an easy out of your part time jobs with mediocre pay and wage times. He introduced you to a world of magic and wealth. Although you were skeptical at first, you had no choice but to agree, there was no way you could get through college and then get a decent job. College at that point was getting pretty shitty with all its stressful exams, and you needed a way out. And there was your opportunity.

Of course, there were rules you were to follow religiously. If you were to break any of them you don't know what Doyoung would do to you, he could be super creative at times. Regardless, you followed them because you were grateful for all he did for you, not just because he told you too.

You weren’t stupid, you knew that he had other girls spread across the world waiting to be fucked just like you were. They were probably held up in a penthouse just like you. But you didn’t ask questions, you didn’t care. You broke rule number, don’t get too attached. And that was the first mistake you made with your dangerous life with Doyoung.

You shut your laptop and groaned, pulling the instant noodles you made earlier towards you. You took a spoonful of the now cold and mushy noodles. You had been able to pay back Doyoung the million dollars he gave you to start your photography career and made nearly 20 times more. Yet you still stayed and ate less than mediocre food. Bad habits never change.

“This is fucking disgusting,” you muttered to yourself, snatching the cup of noodles up in your hand and sauntering over to the kitchen.

The house was pretty minimalistic. It was mostly all white with black furniture, cool toned things and such. It was all open concept, the kitchen, living room, and dining room. Every countertop was white quartz, every cabinet war of the highest quality wood, you lived lavishly.

You opened the trash can and threw the mushy noodles in. Doyoung had promised to bring you dinner that night, and as the clock struck closer and closer to twelve you knew it was a lost cause. And instead of calling, you turned into a muttering mess. “Doyoung, when you come back I’m gonna fucking kill you for making me wait—”

“Now baby,” a familiar voice cut through the air behind you. “You’re not actually planning on doing something  stupid, right?”

The familiar sight of his white button-down shirt came into vision. It was a nice sense of normalcy when you saw him sweaty after work,  his white shirt clinging to his skin. It made you feel like one of those conventional couples, the ones where the wife greets the husband when he gets back from work.

He dropped his briefcase on the ground and lean up on the counter across from you.

“Fuck you.” He pretended to look shocked from what you had said, but to be frank, this whole month you had been giving him attitude and you yourself didn’t even know why. This doesn't surprise him.

“Cute,” he remarked. “It wouldn't be the first time I have.” You had become so comfortable with him in the year you knew him. But as you grew comfortable,  his slide remarks didn’t turn you on like they used to, his broken promises actually hurt, the relationship actually meant something to you. And you didn’t know if any of those things mattered to him ” I wonder  when  you’ll  learn to behave and not disobey me.” He ran his finger through his black hair and smirked. “I’m in need of a destresser.”

“You have other whores for tha—”

“Aren’t you brave tonight?” He raised his voice at you. “Like I said.” He pronounced each word clearly and loud. “I’m stressed and I missed you. I’ll dismiss the fact that you just said that to me as well.” He looked around the kitchen, finally locking eyes with you. “You should be happy I’m here, I’m a busy man you know.”

“Oh my god, thank you Doyoung for gracing me with your presence that wasn’t even spontaneous, it was promised!  Better yet! Thank you for being five hours late!” You never really got mad at him, even now the anger wasn’t at its breaking point, but this month things started to change.

“I don’t understand why you have to be so rude. You’ve been doing it a lot lately.”

You narrowed your eyes at your employer, finally a real anger brewing inside of you for all that he put you through. He sensed that, and despite his usual half-assed sorries, he pulled one out of his ass and made it sound even a little real. “I’m sorry Y/N. What can I do to make it up to you? Money? Jewelry? You name it. ” You were fully prepared to make an escape to your room and not see him for a couple of more months. You walked away.

“Y/N, don’t leave—” But you were already walking, walking, and walking away. “Y/N stop walking…  stop now.”

If it hadn’t been for how scary his voice was when he yelled, you might’ve not stopped, but maybe a part of you still would’ve.

“Get the fuck over here, right fucking now.” His voice was deep when he shouted, it was scary. In that moment you knew you were gonna fuck him, from the moment you saw him you knew.

“Why don’t you get the fuck over here, since you miss me so bad.” You turned around and looked at him. He was still leaning on the counter, staring at you. He reluctantly got up with a huff and paraded over meeting you at the dining table. His hand cupped your cheek while his other brushed some stray hair away from your face, pulling your face up. 

“Who do you think you are?” He said just above a whisper. “I don’t like fucking attitude,” he spat at you. “You should remember how you acted when you first got her, cause you weren’t like this.”

This was the fourth time he’d visited that week. Each time he came he was more stressed than the last, and you were becoming more reluctant as the days went on. It was one of the longest times he came. 

You wondered wh yourself was giving him attitude, he was generally a nice person with good intentions and you could tell that this was hurting him. But he was hurting you, he was always hurting you. Maybe the attitude would compensate for the fact that you actually had feelings for the man and pushing him away would help in the long run. “Bedroom, princess.”

He was right behind you quickly heading into the master bedroom like he was your parent tucking you to bed at night. You hated when he did that. He pushed you down on the bed roughly, letting you get enough time in to look up at him. He ripped the buttons of his button shirt open so hard you heard the little sounds of beads falling on the ground. He pulled down his pants so quickly you thought you heard a tear.

Faster than a heartbeat, his lips were pushed against yours feverishly. Doyoung always kissed rough and quick, always being careful of not kissing you too long so you never got the wrong idea. He was pulling on the hem of your shirt, leaving a trail of warm kisses down your neck as he struggled to pull it off your body.

Doyoung was everything you needed in bed. He was confident, caring, rough, and surprisingly exciting. Once he had pulled you top off, he was pulling down your jeans, throwing them somewhere behind him and chuckling. He ground his hips against yours. Enough to get you wet and leave your juices on soaking your panties.

Despite what people thought Doyoung's lips were soft and warm, not cold at all like the media portrayed. He was warm and inviting. So as he kissed you, you let your hands knot in the roots of his hair and pull.

He sighed pushing his tongue deep inside your mouth, a moaning. Your hips rocked against his, creating more and more friction for the both of you. His hands slipped to your waist, pulling the panties down on the right side. It was the fourth time this week his body was on top of yours, and you loved it.

“Doyoung—”

“Sweetheart you lost the right to talk,” He hummed, pulling your panties down and teasing your slit. He looked down at your pink pussy and intricately pleasured you, making you gasp. He was always in charge—always. He was the one that would leave you thoroughly fucked or in a crumpled up mess waiting to be. That was the way it was, and you liked the high stakes. A suppressed moan fell from your lips and was caught in his when he pushed the pad of his thumb on your clit.

“You can moan baby, I won’t stop you from doing that, ” He snickered, feeling your wetness gather up around your clit and entrance.

“You’re already dripping.” He smiled against your mouth than peppering kisses down your neck in sloppy unorganized kisses.

Without warning, he pushed a finger inside you, and you tried hard to suppress the scream that crawled at the back of your throat. Normally Doyoung liked to rile you up, he thrust his long fingers in and out of your pussy, in a search for your sweet spot. When he curled his fingers, he found it, rubbing it gently to push you over.

“Doyoung.“ He pushed his lips onto yours again roughly, surely leaving a bruise from how hard. All you heard were your muffled screams as his fingers were buried deep inside your pussy. You arch your back into him, letting your tits cover his bare chest.

“Baby I’m want to fuck you so bad now.”

Doyoung wasn’t the longest, but he fit you, he fit you better than a lot of men could and he knew how to fuck. You could see the outline of his member through his white tenting boxer shorts. He was painfully hard, he palmed himself through his boxers and groaned.

“Let me,” You sat up,  reaching out towards his boxers pulling them down steadily. He let you, watching the excitement in your eyes as his cock sprung free from his boxers. But he pushed your hands away.

“Let me be inside of you right now.” Doyoung was so incredibly gentle with you, no matter how many times you saw him in bare skin it excited you. Even when he was rough, he always found a way to make you feel okay, and you hated that he shared that with other girls.

“But I—”

“Please baby, please.” He spread your legs slowly across the bed, peeling each leg from the other to accommodate for his lanky body. This wasn’t how he usually liked to fuck you, he was normally rough, very rough. Him skipping a blow job, using a gentle touch, not calling you names was weird for you. Nonetheless, you didn’t object to it. No matter how you felt, one thing remained certain. You wanted him.

On his knees, he stroked himself, spitting on his hand and beginning to pump his shaft slowly with one hand. He lined himself up, slowly beginning to lay down on top of you. Within seconds he entered you in one hard thrust that made you moan out in pleasure. You never got over how well he fit inside you. Your friends would always talk about how their boyfriend had the biggest cock, but you doubted the notion that they pleasured them well or even at all. With Doyoung, every flaw you both had, everything about you two fit together, he knew what you wanted and made sure to give it to you. And you were sad to say that you felt at home with the whore hoarding CEO.  

“God, you always feel so good,” He hissed, his face falling into your neck and a loud muffled groan drop from his lips. He moved slowly at first, pulling out of you with little force before burying himself in your walls once more.

You moaned, head thrown back on the silk sheets and your hands knotted in his hair. “Doyoung,” You croaked. “Why aren’t you going faster?” you could barely talk, your voice came unsteadily. Gripping your hips tightly with his slender hands.

“I wanna take my time tonight.” He wanted his time for you. Regardless of how many girls he had, he wanted to savor this. He made sure to thrust deep, hard, but slow. Working to find your sweet spot than to blindly fuck you. You could feel his tip hitting your cervix in painful pleasure.

“Doyoung!” You squealed, as he thrust harder, followed by a high moan.

“Keep moaning like that.” He grunted, eyes falling to your face.

So you did as he asked, performing for him, you cried even louder. A chain of panicked moans left his mouth as you involuntarily clenched around his cock, he was hitting all the right spots inside you, but he needed to do more to compensate for the slow speed.

“Can I touch you?” You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to find the words to tell him to do it, to make you writhe at his will. But instead, you nodded, seeing his hand travel down in between you, and rubbing small circles over the swollen bundle of nerves. “Like this?”

“Y-yes.” You choked out. Doyoung was so calm, yet filled with so much pleasure. You didn’t know there could be this side of him. Through your gasps and unprompted shudders, he had to lean only a centimeter to capture your lips in his.

His slow thrusts continued, alongside his fingers, still rubbing your clit as he tried to kiss you. Wrapping your arms around his neck, letting them dance across his back, he drove his tongue into your mouth widely. All at once a collective wave of emotions swarmed you, an urgency filled the room as you climbed closer and closer to your climax.

“I’m going--to come…” You groaned. Your fingers pulling the roots of his hair.

“Y/N.” Your vision blurred, you pulse around him, breathing shallow and sweat gathering over your body.

“Oh my god…” You whimpered, you had become oversensitive. Your legs began to rattle against his body, a loud string of low moans leaving Doyoung as you felt him realize into you. His head fell into your neck, moaning against your sweet skin.

He held you in his arms, continuing to moan until you both finally released. You both stayed in each other's arms for a moment, catching your breath, breathing ruggedly as Doyoung rolled off of you. Just as quickly as he got into the bed, he slung his legs over the side and got up, pulling on his discarded clothes.

“You’re leaving so soon?” He looked at you, zipping up his pants and shrugging silently. Your heart sank.

“I need to. We have a meeting tomorrow and I need to take a quick flight to Busan, I’ll be back princess, you’ll see me tomorrow, don’t worry.” You wanted to act like a man, your man, your boyfriend, your husband, but you knew you would asking too much. As much as you wanted him to be yours, you knew he never would be, and so your anger showed in your attitude.

“Why bother with Busan, we’re in Seoul.” A small smile played on his face, he seemed happy that you didn’t want him to leave. You wrapped the pale pink silk sheets around your body, and slowly ascended from the bed. You stood in front of him, hoping he wouldn't leave. Still smiling, he leaned forward and kissed your head, a little too lovingly.

“I got you something just before I came. I waited a couple weeks for it. It’ll  atone for leaving so soon.”

You glanced at him curiously, your eyebrow cocking inquisitively. He did it again. He came, fucked you, stayed, and then left. He did it over and over again until the cycle felt never-ending. At first, you didn’t see a problem, but now, now you were in too deep.

He disappears behind your door, you can hear his quick footsteps as he goes to retrieve whatever it was he got for you. You couldn't help but be excited. Doyoung had money, Doyoung helped you with your career, but it wasn’t every day that he got you something without a request. He came back, a black necklace box in hand.

“For you,” he said, handing you the back box and excitedly awaiting your reaction. You opened it, a surge of happiness and shock flowing through you.

“Doyoung. How?” Your eyes widened, an ear to ear grin appeared on your face as you opened the box.  

A month ago you had managed to get a seat at one of the most famous auctions there ever was. All the proceeds went to charity, but you were there for one thing. Taeyong always said you looked best in pearls, but not any pearls, not counterfeit imitated ones. Real, natural white pearls. And he was right, they looked gorgeous on you.

You had a budget of a 1.5 million, now that you could afford to make such a risky purchase, but someone outbid you. You were so upset when you found out you wouldn’t get the pearls that Doyoung had to spend at least a week putting up with your rants, irrational mood swings, and attitude. But now you were staring at the pearls, and it was because of him.

“I knew you wanted them so I had to get them. I want you to wear them tomorrow, you look sophisticated and elegant, and beautiful in pearls.” Doyoung’s voice sounded sensual as it trailed off.

“Thank you so much—Oh my god, I could photograph this! Did you know Pearls promote centeredness, faith, loyalty, truth, and purity. I mean, my fine art project could really—oh my god, thank you so so so much.“ Your mind ran in every which way, thoughts of gratitude and respect raced through your head, while there were ideas of love and photography. You lunged at him, arms wrapped around your waist, playfully pulling at the sheets. “It must of cost so much—”

“Don’t worry about it… but Y/N, I really need to get going. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He pulled away from you.

And without another word he was gone. And there was no proof he ever was actually there.

“I need to turn down that offer, I’ll take new photos for the design, but I won't allow you to use my past works!” You folded your hands together, glancing around the room at the businessmen that observed your photography portfolio. There was one girl there. She looked like she was plucked from a gucci store in some beautiful country, but she had a mental capacity of a fifteen-year-old.

“I mean, using your old ones would ensure they would turn out good, you photos recently have been pretty—”

“Pardon me for asking, but who  are you, I haven’t seen you here before.” You sat at a table with reputable officials of Dyoung's company. You were held in high esteem at his enterprise. You were someone who was able to give Doyoung's company a mainstream vibe, generating buzz with the main media.

“Oh,” She laughed obviously as if you should've known who she was. “I’m new, but I’m Kim Dongyoung assistant, I take care of all the office needs and his needs as well.” You knew what she was. You never met his assistants, but people told you he went through them like cigarettes to an addict.

“This is a professional meeting with esteemed entrepreneurs, executives, and merchandisers. In this world, you build yourself up to power by connections and talent. I commend you for having such a difficult job, and starting a path to invent yourself. But you’re an assistant, know your place. Especially around people at this table. If I say that I don’t want past photos used then you can give me a concept or we can end the meeting and the company doesn't need me. Are we all  clear?” Everyone nodded, taking what you had said into consideration.

You learned very fast that your vocabulary and persona had to change at places like this, sometimes you let yourself slip, as you did now. But you couldn't help it,  she had this aura around her like she was fucking the CEO. Nevertheless, the rest of the people nodded, some smirking at your statement. To say the least, nobody really liked her.

“Ms. Y/L/N, I think since it’s going to be for the new computer he’s making, maybe we could go in the path apple had gone in. Great landscapes, flowers, I know you could absolutely make those amazing.” You smiled at the man, glancing at the girl momentarily and writing notes on your notepad. Where the fuck was Doyoung.

“Yes! I like that, but we could also do hipster things maybe,” the older women smiled. “My daughter, she goes to a lot of festivals and takes fantastic photos, they look so amazing, maybe we can get in touch with the interest of modern media and take pictures of those things.

“What’s your name Miss?” You asked flipping a page in your notepad to write it down.

“Oh!” She grinned happily.

“Ho Hyang-Soon. Spelled H-Y-A-N-G-Soon.” In the blink of an eye the door slowly creaked open, tensely, Doyoung appeared from the door.

“I’m sorry I’m late, I was held up at another meeting, if I had known I would have been late, I would have canceled, my deepest apologies,” He bowed down at everyone. He was good at lying sometimes, this was a lie he was particularly good at executing. You knew he had to be with one of his other girls. Regardless of what he was doing, you never asked you just nodded and did as you were told.

The meeting got pretty boring from that moment forward, they told you what photographs they wanted you to take and then you were basically done, the rest of the duration consisted of Doyoung calling more shots on the design of his computer.

You had never felt more happy to leave a meeting. Sometimes you thought they were fun. It was like coffee hour when Doyong wasn’t around. Other times they were absolutely boring.

You stood over Ms. Ho Hyang-Soon’s desk discussing her ideas towards the desktop art and photograpghy. You could tell she was flattered you had decided to talk to her and acknowledge her idea, it was very hard to do that with Doyoung.

However, the smile soon disappeared from your face when the doors to Doyoung’s office opened and revealed him and his shotty new assistant. Her hand was placed on his shoulder as he talked to one of his office friends, her smile wickedly evil as she glanced at you. You touched the pearls on your neck, realized that you had worn something he had given. You looked weak.  Despite having an agreement, you felt betrayed.

Dismissing yourself from the women and sauntering past the couple, you got angrier. As tempting as it was, killing someone in a workplace would be incredibly unprofessional and you were no insufficient pirahea. You in fact were a great, great businesswoman. You reached to back of your neck, unclasping the pearls that burned your skin with embarrassment and shoved it into the pocket of you pants suit. How could he do this to you? In a workplace as well.

You didn’t turn around, although you did hope he would call your name to go after you, he didn’t.

Minutes later, of more pining and pitying of yourself, you decided to get back on track and talk to more people. It was as if every minute Doyoung wasted, made you more and more anxious about him not coming at all. It almost hurt how much he didn’t care. As much as Doyoung had helped you, somehow you felt that he still thought of you as a little girl. You tried desperately to show him you were women, in more ways than one.

You excused yourself from yet another person and strolled over to his office. You loved being in there, it was massive, it had a huge window with a view of all of Sueol. You reached his door, pulling it open. “Doy—oh my god.” You stood at the door, seeing at the door, opened halfway seeing his assistant on his lap, her dress pulled up, and his pants pulled to his ankles. Doyoung's eyes widened, glancing at the girl who had taken his cock. You closed the door, making sure nobody behind you had seen.

You shook your head, trying to get the visions out of your mind and to keep going. But all that was racing through your mind was the disgusting pictures playing through your mind. You didn’t think sex was disgusting. But when you watched someone you liked doing it, it got hundreds of times more abominable and atrocious than just watching porn. You had immediately set off to find that women again, you had been having a nice conversation with her before this whole mess started.

And then not so long after he came out, leaving his assistent behind. It was amusing to you how composed he looked, it was as if nothing ever happened. He fixed his tie while looking around the fancy office searching for you. It was as if he wasn’t just being pleasured. Frankly, you didn’t care if he had sex, it was who it was with the mattered to you. You wanted that to be you, and only you.  He took long strides over to you, brushing his black hair from his eyes and standing in front of you and the women.

He bowed to the women, verbalizing something in Korean, before turning to your and motioning his head in another direction.

“Could I please talk to you Y/N?” His eyes looked everywhere but your eyes, too embarrassed to look at you.

“It’s okay Ms. Y/N, I’ll be fine.” Bashful about turning down Doyoung in front of someone in public, you had no choice but go with him, and you weren’t looking forward to what he was going to discuss with you.

Pulling you into an empty corridor, he heaved a heavy sigh and knotted his finger in his hair. “I’m sorry you had to see that,” He whispered quietly. “I didn’t mea—”

“It’s fine, luckily I found you and not somebody else.” You felt defiled, dirty even, awaken to what scandalous deed you two were actually doing.

“Yeah, but still, I don’t know how I would feel If I saw you bein—Why did you take your necklace off? It looked nice.” You felt like hitting him very, very hard. If you don’t know how you would feel, then why do it?

“It’s not like we’re dating Doyoung, it doesn't matter.”

Everyone at the meeting was praising you, but even with recognition from everyone in the world, if you didn’t have Doyoung’s you weren’t satisfied. He shrugged, after hearing from you.

“I guess your right,” He mumbled, scratching the back of his neck. “But why did you take it off?”

“I think pearls aren’t for me,” You trailed off. “But what about the symbolization, didn’t you say it promoted centeredness and such. “

“Loyalty actually.” Doyoung nodded, his big brown eyes soft as he looked at you. He didn’t say anything, making your uncomfortable under his stare. “Like I said, I don’t think they’re for me. And I should get going.” You started to walked away, but his grip on your waist stopped you.

“Is Ji-Su bothering you? I heard what happened before I got to the meeting.”

His stare held concern and a twinge of sadness, continuing to search for your shifty eyes.

“She seems nice.” You complimented. “When she isn’t acting like a bitch.”

“I’ll fire her,” He blurted out shifting on his feet awkwardly. “If you don’t like it, I mean. I’ll fire her. You have to come here, and I don’t want it to be unbearable.”

You turned to look down the corridor at the elevator. “Yeah, well, my work here is done. I need to get home.”

It’s funny how things like this work. One moment you’re a struggling college student and the next you’re a world-renowned photographer, loved by artists and models. Now you were in Japan taking landscape photos and plant photos for Do-young's new computer system, trying to find the perfect default screensavers. That day after you caught Doyoung, you got home and threw yourself into your photography, being able to get more fine art pieces out, before you esteemed Calvin Klein campaign you were shooting a week later.

Doyoung had said he wanted to come with you, that he would be arriving a day after you in Japan to help choose things to photograph. But it’s been four days in Japan and four weeks since you’ve seen him.  You figured like always that he was either busy with work or with one of his other whores.

But maybe they weren’t as dumb as you, breaking his first rules and actually starting to like him. This was a deal, a partnership, not a thing for you to break your heart over. He had money to throw away, which is probably why he was letting girls take his money so easily. He was in fact, despite what he says, a very, very lonely man. Even with all the girls on his side,, there was no denying there was a void inside his lonely heart.  Sometimes you asked yourself why you stayed with him. And then you realized that you had no desire to leave because you would be just as lonely as him.

When it read eleven PM on the illuminated digital clock, you knew he either didn’t care or simply forgotten. It was most likely the fact he didn’t care. You set the teapot on the stove of Doyoung's unused Japan vacation house and set it at a low heating level, letting the fruit tea settle in the sifter. You heard the door slam, and the familiar footsteps of Doyoung’s dress shoes. You turned around, his hair was disheveled, but his suit remained classic and elegant. He stormed towards you, passing the dining table and living room to get to the kitchen.

“I’m so so sorry Y/N,” He pushed you into the counter, brushing the hair from your face.  He was out of breath as if he just ran here. He kissed you suddenly. The smack of your lips filled the room as he continued to kiss you. And then he put both hands on your waist, steadying himself and his kisses changed, something you never got from him before. He kissed you slowly, passionately. His hands roamed up your body and cupped your throat, moving to your cheeks. “I’m so sorry.” Your arms tangled up around his neck, wanting it, wanting him.

“You’re always sorry,” You mumbled on his lips, kissing him slowly again.

“I mean it this time. I do.”

“Mmm,” You joked, letting him slip his tongue into your mouth. His fingers were like matches to your skin, even a graze lit you on fire.

You knew he didn’t love you back or even like you. But you didn’t care, you couldn't resist his touch. He pulls away softly, brushing his lips against yours again. It wasn’t sexual, no, it was innocent as if he was having his first kiss again.

“Doyoung what’s wrong with you.”

“Nothing.” He kissed your cheek, a defensive lilt in his voice. His kisses traveled down your neck towards your ear. “I just missed you so much.” You couldn't believe him.

“Are you sure? Where have you been?”

“I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but all I want right now is to fuck you. Can you do that?” He said a little annoyed. But you didn’t listen to the annoying part, you listened to how scared he was.

“Yeah baby, we can.”

In an instant, he grabbed the underside of your thighs, pushing you onto the counter and tearing your sweatpants down your legs. Trying equally as hard to pull off your pink panties you wore just in case for scenarios like this. He peeled your legs from each other and looked down at you, the most exposed you. He ran his dainty finger over your slit all the way to your clit. He looked pulled your legs above his shoulders, leaning down slowly and coming face to face with your heat. He kitty licked you slowly. You squirmed at the feeling, waiting for him to do more to you. He didn't always eat you out, he used it as a reward system, but you didn’t know what you did that was worthy of his reward. And then he pushed his head into you, his tongue darting deeper and deeper inside of you, licking up your wetness that he started to create.

In pleasure, you took a fistful of his black hair, pushing his head further, you could hear his muffled moans as you did. His mouth was placed gently of your clit, sucking and darting your tongue under the little hood. You bucked your hips into him, your legs beginning to shake against his broad shoulders. And then he pushed two fingers inside of you.  Gasping at the sensation, a high moan leaves your lips.  With every thrust of his fingers, you feel yourself reaching your climax.

“C’mon baby, come for me.” And just as he said that you came onto his fingers, your juices quickly being lapped up by his tongue. You were never good with polyamorous relationships, you got too jealous for your own good. You didn’t want anyone else being pleasured by Doyoung but you, and you wanted to be the only one to touch him. He pushed your legs off of him, glancing at you momentarily, before taking his lips onto yours.

“Do you want me to fuck you?” He whispered his breath on your lips. You nodded slowly, feeling him grab your thighs and lift you up in his muscular arms. You turned your head and glanced at the counter, there was still a small pool of come next to the stove, and you suddenly became hyper-aware of how wet you were. You could be dripping onto Doyoung right now, or even on the floor.  Nevertheless, he carried you to the Japanese bedroom.

The room was nearly pitch black except for the tiny leak of moonlight that spilled into the room. Something about him now was so gentle, the way he lightly set you down and watched you as he took off his clothes, peeling the black suit off his body. He did it early slow, observing your body furthermore. You sat up, waiting for him.

And when he sat down on the bed, fully naked except for his black boxers, you threw your legs on either side of him and got comfortable on his lap, continuing the slow, fervid kissing. He moaned into the kisses, his hands moving to your ass, to your hips, all over the place.

Ever so slowly, you place both your hands on his chest and pushed him down until he was lying on his back. You kissed and licked behind his ear, nibbled on his lobe, and kissing down his jawline to his cheek.  You could feel the beautiful man’s clothed member hit your bare pussy, and you wanted him, you had wanted him so many times before this. But now, you didn’t just want to fuck him, you wanted to make love. And although you didn’t know quite what that was, you thought you could do it with, you thought you could find it.

You kissed his bare chest, worshipping every part of his body you came across until you got to his boxers. You took his boxers off, sliding them down his legs while your head followed, kissing his thighs, the inside of his knees. And now that the boxers were gone, you were going to take what you wanted for a long time.

You put your hand on his shaft. Feeling it smooth and under your touch. You stroked it gently. Up and down. It needed lubrication and I had just the perfect thing. Beads of pre-cum oozed from his head, licking it up with your velvety tongue. Doyoung mumbled something in Korean, looking down at you and grabbing a fistful of your hair.

Circling it slowly in your mouth, you moaned on his cock, finally feeling it in your mouth after months. He was smooth under your tongue, probing the tip and igniting every nerve. You licked lower, beneath the head and all the way down to the shaft. You massaged his balls in your hands, and slowly took his laugh in your mouth.

He was a good six inches, but a thick six inches, which was probably why he felt so good. To you, there was nothing better than a thick above average sized cock. You bobbed your head, moving up and down, hollowing out your mouth. You wanted him to make you his favorite, nobody could do it like you.

He pushed your head down, you could feel the tip of his cock hit your throat eliciting a gag, but you regained a hold of yourself. And soon you weren’t in control anymore, it was him, pushing your head up and down along his cock. Moaning words of encouragement to make him come. Then he stopped, slowly sitting up, prompting you to mirror his actions. He let you steady yourself on his lap, holding onto his shoulders.

“You have the mouth of a slut,” he whispered into your ear. “In and out of my beds.”  He kissed down your neck and moved the strap of your tank top. “Take your shirt off, princess.” 

His fingers played with the hem of your shirt, helping you pull it out. Luckily you wore no bra and you were completely naked in front of Doyoung. He took your breasts in his hand, kneading them roughly as you moaned. He chuckled a little, capturing your lips and kissing you.

He took your nippled between his fingers, rolling them over and making them hard.

“You’re so sexy princess,” He whispered, bringing your nipple to his mouth and sucking on it slowly, holding eye contact. You grabbed onto his shoulders, throwing your head back and moaning.

His slender fingers traced around the area, grabbing your tit and sucking softly, moving to the other breast.

His mouth hovered over you, his hot breath washing over your just-kissed skin. He squeezed your nipple again, while he took the other in his mouth, with enough force so you barely had time to register the pain. He left a couple hickeys. His hand gliding over your side and look down at where your bare pussy met his pelvis.

“Are you going to ride me, princess?” You nodded, getting up on your knees and holding onto his shoulders so he could position himself to enter you. You didn’t ride him a whole lot, it was when he was at work sitting in his chair or tired, maybe even a little vulnerable that he let you ride him. It meant having you in control, and he didn’t like that. He was a CEO, he wanted to be in control.

A stuttered groan came from Doyoung, reaching for your hips guiding your up and down as you made out slowly. He kept biting your lips and squeezing your ass. He leaned back a little, watching his cock plunge deep into your pink pussy.

You sped up, harshly slamming down on his cock, prompting high moans, and low moans.

A guttural moan released from his throat, he through his head in your neck and kissed you there, pleasure clouding his actions as he groaned at the feeling of your pussy.  You loved how he acted when he was being pleasured, it was as if he couldn't take what you were giving him, he acted helpless, sometimes desperate.

You started fucking faster, Doyoung was meeting you halfway, slamming into your further, his thick cock stretching you out even more. You almost screamed, gripping on his shoulders and digging your nails into him. He moaned, flipping you quickly so he was on top of you.

“You’re marking me now?” He growled in your ear.

One thing he hated was being marked, that was one of his rules. Don’t mark him. You always thought it was because he was a businessman and he never wanted people to see it. But that wasn’t it. He must have liked being marked since he did it to you a lot, but even if you accidentally left bruises. “You can’t help yourself can you.” He took one hard thrust into you, making you whine out in pain and pleasure. You felt his warm seed fill you up a chain of profanities leaving his mouth. It came in spurts, one creaming into you, and the other shooting hard. His breath grew ragged and he whined out.

He gripped your hips. He wanted to fuck your harder. And he fucked you until you came, but he didn’t stop, he kept going, despite the fact he knew you had never gone farther when getting fucked with a cock. He increased speed as you held with him each thrust. He pushed into you so hard his breath got even shakier.

You were both panting, whining. Way over your breaking point, but you liked it. You wanted to come again. Even though Doyoung was at his wit's end, he wouldn't stop pushing himself until you came again, until you couldn't take his cock anymore. Your legs began to shake, they usually did whenever you had sex with Doyoung, and you came all over his cock. It was too much, he had fucked you to hard and too thoroughly. He pulled out of you slowly, watching your face relax.

You fell next to you, sitting up slowly and glancing over. You took heavy breaths, trying to calm yourself down.

“So I’ll see you tomorrow then. What hotel are you staying at?” You said, reaching over and snatching his black pants off the ground. He took them from you but didn’t make any advances to get up or put them on.

“Actually…” He said softly, reaching his long arms over to grab his boxers. “I think I want to stay the night.”  He glimpsed at you shyly, asking for some seal of approval.

“Why?” He was silent, getting up momentarily to pull his black boxers up his legs. “Doyoung, what’s wrong?”

You asked the questions knowing he wouldn't be able to answer the question. He wasn’t good at articulating his emotions. He didn’t like putting himself out there, he didn’t like feeling vulnerable or looking at it. But he just ended up looking vulnerable anyways, keeping everything bottled up.

“You’re the only one,” he said whispering.

He wiped the beads of sweat off his forehead, his face illuminated from the moonlight. “What?”

“I want you.” He said more firmly. “I want you.�� “Again? I mean we can go for one mo—” “No,” he stopped you, looking into your eyes softly. “I want you.” You finally knew what he meant. That he wanted you just a little more than what he was getting. That this sex was good, but he wanted a little more.

“Do you like me?” You asked, seeing him nod no slowly. But you knew he liked you, he admitted right then and there. “Do you love me?” He looked away from you, a shaky sigh leaving his mouth.

“I—”

“You don’t have to say it… if you do, you don’t have to say it.”

Love is a beautiful and scary thing all at the same time. For someone like Doyoung, he’s never tied down, so feeling something like that was new to him. Saying it to someone was weird and otherworldly. It made him feel vulnerable and you knew that. Baring out your heart and soul might leave you prone and vulnerable to hurt and pain, but sometimes taking the risk and letting it all out is one of the most amazing things that you’ll be able to experience. Doyoung needed his time, and he didn’t need to say it to you for you to know he did love you. He showed by his actions. Like the beautiful pearl necklace he got, and the relentless sorries he would always give.

So as he got up, pulling the covers off the bed and slipping in right before you did. A whisper left his lips.

“Thank you.”

And that’s how you knew he did. That’s how you knew he felt the same back. That you weren't just fucking him all this time, you were making love.

[thewronglong]

Shit I've said I my sleep

Ok, you stupid bitch

Mmmhmm, Stanley Kubrick

Emily is like yaaaay, word processing

WHERE ARE THE NUMBERS!?

that leaves a lot of time

You look so smart

I don't like to drool

Might of overdid those too

You think Iron-Man would care?

It's actually bear paws, don't you feel silly?

Came with a guy who said he was stupid

Why can't machines do it?

Are you coming at me, mate? (This is especially funny because people from where I'm from don't talk like this)

Don't let them get the drinks, dummy

What, robot gloves?

Do the scary face

I never bought a pickle, dammit!

Water, dontcha know?

You're making my life really difficult here, man

You can't drive that, it doesn't have any tires

Rain delay!

You better get ready to go

Why are we even Driving?

Don't eat glue!!

Guess you're just gonna dip it in the glue and stick it in the wall

Come here!!!

What are you doing with a red vest all the way out here?

Ok, there's lots of them down here

Then you don't have to watch it do you bitch

It's an avocado!

IS THE TRASH TAKEN OUT!?

Haha, BLUSH!

my horse bite an apple

The horse, why would a horse choose it?

It's just a metaphor

HAHA , broccoli

Glow sticks

This is it

Quit tickling me

Woah whooo

There's a spider in it

It won't be that expensive if you just invest in a good one.

You want to add some steak?

Whatever dude

How's your steak

Some fucking what? Some ashtrays

Well, they just look rare.

That's not a fucking therapy dog!!

Haaa, fuck you fireman

I didn't even have anybody sit at that table, why is it dirty?

That sun moved the fuck out of here

On the siiiiiiide!

Leave the stuff alone Emily

Well give me your number so I can call you at 2am and complain about what's on tv

There's a giant thumb over there.

Be nice

I didn't step on it

I could have had it all- song(lol)

I hardly ever look out for it

Why are you raising your hand like that

DON'T TOUCH THE DEODORANT

Don't get it in your eyes...I said DON'T

They never stop growing do they

I could be, idk.

For the night

That's even worse

You gotta wait for it all to come out at once

Well this is really neat, but that is something else

It's a faux burger

No I'm not going to scrape it off for you, scrape it off yourself

Put some pepper on it.

I'm not a Capricorn

Just fucking walked away didn't you

Oh, I'll cut all of you if you'll let me

Stop staring

I don't want anything

It frictions ( lol )

Yea, I made those burgers

Yea, cause this is all my fucking fault

I fucking gave your tea away

(You rubbed my head and said, "you're so, so beautiful")

Haha, what's this word mean(goofy voice)

That's not very big

Not when you gotta fight

Where's it all coming from

I hope you're sitting there forever

I'm in big trouble

Haaa, I know this person

Don't you act ugly to her

You know what I just realized, I've never met Micky Dolenz or any of those guys

Self rising?

That ain't gonna happen, you're fucking crazy

It's not gonna happen is it

Wish you could help me!

You fucking cunt

I didn't say you had to make it.

What, you can't just drive the shit mobile?

It's none of your faults

What, are you going on a date

They told me I needed two

Dillard's?

What am I supposed to do with it

It's a towel, don't you know what it is?

What are you talking about, a fort

Giving them water and sunlight

I'm not sure which to put in first, so I'll do the blue

It's not like going to the dentist

A piece of wood is what that is

The shoe CAN eat it

Here they all come

Guess I'm just gonna go around giving everybody the finger

Oh no, fuuuuuuck

Don't do that then Dumbass

Bc I have to, ok

You may have to play with it a little bit but it will work

You want this back, you're not getting this back

What the hell are you talking about

Exactly

Except for the rice

Oh wait nevermind

That one star trek episode where there's a mermaid virus and they all can get it

What about Facebook

West Philadelphia

Precious

[babaleshy]

Time for me to rant. If anybody is morbidly curious about what it’s like to live with Trump supporter parents where one parent basically projects himself onto Trump, you can click the thingie. But the context of how this is different from other times I’ve bitched about my folks on my old account is we’re not starving for once. We actually have some money and are trying to get some shit together so we can take care of the urgent needs such as fucking house repairs and shit.

So... We live on a farm. I won’t say where, but right over the hill is a goddamn oil pad. My parents aren’t rich or anything from the oil rights, but I am reluctantly admitting that we are finally getting some money in to where we could repair our tub so we don’t have to risk blisters from pulling a DIY string to turn on the cold water through a ventilation duct because the faucet is fucked. We also got the train to our tub fixed so that way when we shower, we’re not standing in filthy-ass water that can’t drain properly no matter what we shove down the drain to fix it with. We had to replace the entire drainage system for both bathrooms.  Yes. Both bathrooms. The second one is just a toilet and a sink but that sink had the same clog problem due to YEARS of rust build-up because there’s so much goddamn iron in our well water, which my dad states is “actually water coming in from a flooded mineshaft,” and at this point, it would not surprise me if he was right for once.

We also finally got new working vehicles we don’t have to keep taking in for repairs we can’t afford in hopes we can make it to the grocery store or in hopes my mom and my husband can make it to work. Still 2 vehicles, but they are much newer than what we had before (I’m not car-smart, so I couldn’t tell you what years they are or whatever).

My mom also finally paid off all of the credit card debt we were drowning in. This includes both of mine we were forced to use and max out and never make payments on because we couldn't afford to eat several times. That’s about $3k in the hole if you include late fees and interest on TWO credit cards under MY NAME. Because we didn’t have money on us so we could fucking eat.

We are hoping that soon we can get all of our teeth fixed. My husband and I have wisdom teeth in dire need of removal. All of his are rotten, one of mine is rotten but all four are crowding my teeth, all four of us have cavities in our teeth we’re doing our best to keep from getting worse. So the next logical step is teeth. I’m trying to apply for Medicaid but now apparently you’re required to do that over the phone, now and I need a day during the week where my husband has off so I can get some help with this phone call (long story, I just have trouble with phone calls). We also really hope we can find a dentist and oral surgeon NOT IN THIS AREA. A BIG REASON WHY HALF MY TEETH ARE FUCKED IS BECAUSE OF PURPOSEFULLY BOTCHED JOBS BY AN ASSHOLE DENTIST SO YOU’D KEEP GOING IN AND HAVING YOUR FILLINGS RE-DONE.

But hey! We’re doing financially better, now. Especially since my mom plans to give me birthday money this year, and my parents don’t seem to have a problem with paying (if necessary) to help me get tested for dyslexia.

With all of this good news, you’d think my dad would be just tickled, right?

Nope.

He bitches about spending money. He has a mole hill of money he sees as a mountain and he wants to sit on it and never spend it. He bitches anytime spending has to take place. At all. He parrots any and all things Trump promotes and shit. My dad wants to be Trump. My dad is racist, thinks Mexicans are invading America to take our jobs and rape our women and murder Americans (same with any non-white refugee from anywhere), he thinks the military doesn’t get enough support of any sort, with his excuse being “we need to make sure we can show the world we can destroy it at any time we want to so the rest of the world respects us.” Btw, he equates fear with respect. There is no debating him. I’ve tried.

My dad says if he is somehow convinced his xtian god isn’t real, then what’s the point in being a good person? He’d start killing everybody just because there would be no god to judge him. THIS IS THE SIGN OF A MENTALLY UNHEALTHY, UNSTABLE, UNSAFE INDIVIDUAL. Luckily, my dad is actually all talk 99.9% of the time. My dad is lazy, and even states that his ideal life is to sit in an apartment without ever having to move, and he’d have servants at his beck and call. He actually tried several times to convince my mom to move into an impoverished part of the south intentionally because “we would live like kings with the money we’ve got coming in right now.” He’s full of shit because it actually isn’t that much money. It’s just that we can stop starving. (For context, my mom wants to move north ever since her mom/my grandma died because her sister is all she has left and she lives up north, and since Kent State is up there, I’m fine with that.)

My dad wants to sit around and be lazy and absorb any and all conspiracy theories on YouTube that appeals to his fucked up worldviews on a device he claims to hate and wishes never existed. He also bitches about having to drive my husband around, who “should have gotten his permit and license by now” despite the fact that he finally got new glasses after 10+ years of not being able to afford to upgrade his prescription and needs to get used to his new vision. My dad is convinced that because he willed himself through his own problems that literally everyone else can do the same. My dad is the most self-centered adult outside of celebrity-hood I’ve ever seen. My husband has anxiety because being behind the wheel of a machine that could easily kill people freaks him out, and he’s not sure if he can see a counselor for managing his anxiety on a regular basis is going to be possible right now.

My dad thinks my husband works at a retail video game store to support his hobby and nothing else “because of all the damn games and statues he keeps buying” when my dad likes to ignore the fact that employee discounts, clearance sales, trade-in credits, and special deals exist. 

My dad is a miserable old bastard, and because we’re in the same situation as him, he cannot stand how we enjoy ourselves to make the most of it. Misery loves company, and he can’t get past the fact that his life changed forever when he got hurt and permanently disabled at the steel mill back in ‘95. He has since then refused to accept what has happened to him, and would rather be a miserable piece of shit and take down anyone else nearby with him. Which could be why he bitches about having money he can spend, now.

And he does all of his venting at my husband. I know my dad is trying to goad my husband into saying or doing something stupid so my dad has a reason to either kick us out or be physically violent. My dad doesn’t like the fact that my husband isn’t a fucking idiot. My husband grew up with a family full of anger-filled assholes. He knows the ropes as much as I do. And the fact that my husband sticks up for me while I’m not around shows to my dad that my husband truly does love me, and wouldn’t only stick up for me while I’m around. He has called my dad on his shit quite a bit when I’m not around. My dad HATES that he can’t dangle the indirect message of “you’re all by yourself, no one else thinks you’re right” above my head. And ever since my husband started routinely calling my dad out on his shit, or defending me when my dad bitches about me over stupid shit, my dad has backed off me for the most part.

My dad wasn’t counting on me getting married to a good man. My dad previously equated good men with financial wealth. Turns out my dad was proven wrong, and he can’t stand it. That fucker is the whole reason why I have had so many self-image insecurities (and still do) and my dad can’t stand it that my husband isn’t joining him on mocking me. My husband tells him to fucking stop. My dad dares not do it in front of my mom, because she tells him to stop.

My parents aren’t in a very health marriage. There’s more footage of convincing evidence of Bigfoot than there are times my parents did something together because they love each other, and I’m not talking about anything expensive, either.

Mom sleeps on the couch because she told me she can’t stand his snoring. However, I remember my mom once telling me that my dad “doesn’t have an ‘off’ switch with his libido” so I’m guessing that’s another reason why.

Both of them sit in the same room on opposite sides of the room (mom on the couch, dad in the busted-ass armchair) on their devices (mom on her tablet and/or phone and dad on the computer that’s by/in front of his chair), only talking to each other about certain articles they read, and not much else. They’ll occasionally watch something on the TV together on Netflix or Hulu but that’s about it.

Mom wanted to live on a farm and raise horses ever since she was a little girl, and through manipulation and the excuse of 4-H projects through me and my brother, she finally got her wish. And my dad is against having any animals of any sort. All he does is bitch about them. He also bitches about how much country my mom listens to (and I can’t blame him there; my mom is the whole reason why country music is the bane of my fucking existence).

Aside from boinking to have 2 kids and mourning over the loss of one of them, my parents have very little in common. I have no idea how or why they got together other than my dad made my mom laugh and didn’t break her jaw like her ex-husband did, my dad had 3 exes and wanted to make the 4th one count, and my mom found out she was pregnant with me before dad proposed (I’m GUESSING knocking my mom up is what made them decide to marry, I dunno).

My mom has (VERY FEW) redeeming qualities, so I take advantage of her mama bear nature to ensure I’m safe under the same roof as my dad. I’m unintentionally appealing to her desire for a farmer-daughter by wanting to garden, though I made it very clear I will never be responsible for farm animals again. She also doesn’t mind the fact that she’ll never be a grandmother to human babies. I’m willing to bet it’s because she never wanted me and doesn’t blame me for not wanting kids of my own. She gets points for not being exactly like her own mother, but I could’ve used some meaningful and caring mother-daughter bonding instead of the distant I-see-you-as-a-burden-now-that-we-are-living-in-poverty treatment I got growing up.

I could point all of this out to my parents, and they would rather spend more time coming up with excuses or redirecting the blame instead of, you know, APOLOGIZING FIRST. And I say this because I have brushed on the topic before and they got SUPER defensive about it.

I was an accident, they got married probably so I wouldn’t be born out of wedlock and so their respective families wouldn’t look down upon them, they thought they had this and had a second kid, a year to two years later dad gets hurt at the mill and we’ve been impoverished ever since but because boys bring more promise of success than girls---especially girls who are different like I was and still am---my brother was automatically the favorite. And I was always screamed at.

Boy would I love to see a therapist instead of a one-hour visit with a counselor trying to figure out as much of why my brain is the way it is once a friggin’ week. Not blaming the counselor, because he’s awesome. But my counselor did say that he’s actually a bit surprised but glad I’ve figured out some way to live with this. It’s because I know how they act, how their minds work, how they would react if I said or did this or that. Having all of this free time and being alone with my thoughts because my husband works his ass off for pennies only for my dad to try and make him spend money on necessities instead of spending his own goddamn money has allowed me to think about and even analyze my own parents; how they act, why they act this way, why they’ve acted that way, etc.

I do consider myself lucky that they aren’t worse than this. My mom is actually much more understanding with me, now, and that’s probably because I’m the last child she has left. So I guess after living in a shit or unhappy marriage and working her ass off to raise two kids and then losing one, she tries to be the good xtian mother and be thankful for what she has now. It’s a guess, though. The whole thing could be a facade for all I fucking know.

Dad’s all talk, but because his tone is the same whether or not he makes his shitty, stupid jokes, or can’t keep certain thoughts to himself and feels the need to say them aloud (SUCH AS POINTING OUT I HAVE CLEAVAGE LIKE IT’S SOME “OMG WOW YOU HAVE BOOBIES NOW AFTER HIGH SCHOOL” IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY COLLEGE IN MY EARLY TWENTIES THANKS DAD THAT WAS CREEPY WHAT THE FUCK), it’s hard to tell whether or not he’s serious about some of the shit he says.

He projects himself onto Trump because he wants to BE Trump. Trump says if Ivanka wasn’t his daughter, he’d date her. I wouldn’t be surprised (I’d still be creeped out) if my dad said something similar. And he has tried to talk about my appearance and how I could make money with it such as a pin-up cosplay calendar because apparently I “look so attractive” while at the same time he shames me for having “skin so pale my legs blind him from reflecting so much light while I wear shorts.” And when I call him out on it, he genuinely thinks he’s done no wrong. My dad is pretty much Trump Lite, and it’s creepy.

But I know the fucker. I can play at his fucked up game, too. All I gotta do is talk about periods or vaginas, because suddenly when his daughter talks about, you know, being a human, suddenly it’s just too much for him.

And he hates I can play this fuck-ass game with him.

And I’m glad he hates it.

Because it’s evident he will never see himself in the wrong. He never has, never does, never will. Because he’s got one excuse or answer after another, and when he runs out, it’s time to drop the conversation before he gets pissed and ruins the night for everybody.

So I’m glad I’m good at playing this game back at him and being damn good at it. That’s what he gets for being a piece of shit.

[k-tea-unfiltered]

Oh hey, it's been a while.

I am so tired.

Where do I begin?

I need a holiday.

My best friend has left the company we both work for and will soon be leaving the county to live four hours away. Which fucking sucks.

I can't seem to write. As in creatively. Nothing is working.

I'm freaking out that time is going so fast and I'm getting older.

Counselling is good but exhausting and expensive. And I keep spending the rest of my money on stupid shit so I keep panicking about running out of money.

I don't know where my "career" is going.

I feel chunky and gross and the gym ain't doing anything for me.

My skin is a mess.

My teeth are sensitive and I'm shitting bricks about my dentist appointment next week.

I've actually contemplated calling in sick at work just to catch a break.

I want to go see the world but I have a mortgage to pay.

I constantly want to eat.

Urghhhhhh.

There are good things, honestly. But I'm tired. And that's kind of prevailing right now.

[pirate-queen-randomness]

Prompt List of  Solangelo One Shots:

This list of 32 prompts can be used by anyone wanting to create work on A03, send me a link if you are going to use it so I can see them as well if you want!

- Where one person is famous and sets up a dating account with their real picture and the other sees it and is like, oh dude you are not fooling anyone with that picture and when they actually meet the other is pissed because DUDE YOU’RE THAT FAMOUS PERSON and the other is like, yeah, I mean, I thought you knew…

- I’m egging a random person’s house to relieve stress and you join me and as it is your ex’s and now they are chasing us as well as the police and now we’re both in jail waiting to be bailed so um you want to talk about it?

- Supernatural High School AU Vampire!Nico/Witch!Will. We meet because I need a vile of vampire venom for a potion and my demon best friend said you’re the person to talk to.

- We’re both in the brass section of the marching band and you never stop making ‘horny’ puns.

- You think I always forget pencils in this class, but I just want to talk to you and now have a little over 200 pencils at home.

- I’m a single parent bringing my kid to school and you run the overpriced ice cream cart and keep guilt tripping me into buying your expensive shit for my kid but I swear I didn’t see you walking beside us and I just wanted to make my daughter happy by driving through the biggest puddle in the road later on.

- Solangelo as thieves who accidentally try to rob a bank at the same time and team up. Nico complimenting how sexy Will looks while weaving their way through an intricate network of deadly lasers. Nico then as soon as Will makes it across, turns off the lasers and just walks through.

- I was walking by the roller coasters and SOMEONE’S SHOE FLEW OFF AND HIT ME IN THE HEAD.

- We are panicked yelling in unison because of lost baggage in between connecting flights and now we’re stuck-in-an-airport-because-the-flights-were-SO-VERY-delayed-and-it’s-like-two-am. When the plane does come; we’re sitting next to each other on this plane and I was eating gummies, but I left all the red ones cause they’re absolute shit and now you’re asking if you can have them.

- It’s the middle of the night and I’m walking home alone in the dark and there’s this guy following me and he’s starting to gain on me and I found this phone booth with a lock on the door and I tried to call my best friend, but my hands were shaking so badly I accidentally dialled the wrong number and I don’t even know you but help me.

- I was super pissed, so I went to the gym even though it’s late at night, so I was the only one there and I was at the punching bag listening to music and you surprised me by tapping me on the shoulder, holy shit I didn’t mean to punch you, I’m so sorry, but seriously why the hell would you surprise SOMEONE WHO IS ANGRY AND PUNCHING THINGS. It turns out you always come to this gym to work out because holy god you can’t stop watching me training because it’s so hot.

- The mailman constantly mixes up your home address and mine together and keeps on sending me your letters and packages and I’m sorry I look through them, but I read some letters from your ex and oh my god do you want me to go with you to police or something?

- What do you mean I didn’t try to pick-pocket you your butt is just amazing?

- We’re neighbours who don’t really talk but your cat might have gotten my cat pregnant, so we must raise this little kitty family together.

- I decided to take a shortcut home that involves crawling through a tight hole in a fence and I end up getting stuck and you just happen to past by and after poking fun at me for a million years you finally decide to try and help me.

- It’s 2am and I was just trying to get home, but I left my sunroof open all day and now there’s a squirrel in my car and it scared me and I drove into a pole – would you please stop laughing you’re a cop. you’re supposed to be helping.

- I went out to throw the garbage in the most unflattering clothes and there was a flash from a camera and for a good five minutes I was trying to fight you because I thought you were going to make fun of me/perving, but it turns out you found a pretty butterfly near where I was.

- I’m in the library researching for this giant assignment that’s 90% of my grade I haven’t slept or gotten anything besides coffee in two days I am going to explode in rage if you don’t shut the fuck up this SECOND. Turns out you and your friends have been playing the penis game in the library for the last five minutes and none of you have gotten above a quiet yell and I’m really just trying to study over here so I’m going to put an end to this by winning the game

- You’re so attractive but every time you open your mouth I want to strangle you how did you end up in my apartment exactly how many tequila shots did I have last night. Also, why are you sitting in my living room with a goat in a poncho, and how did you get the goat in here since I live on the 12th floor?

- Its 4 am and I’m drunk as fuck in a McDonalds and you have been watching my trying to eat this burger for 30 minutes; want to help me?

- Were at a club and although you’re a shitty dancer your also really fucking adorable so I decide to say hi and you end up accidentally hitting me in the face and fucking hell I think you broke my nose.

- A toddler broke your nose and I may or may not have snapped my thumb during a very intense game of Mario Kart and now we’re both sitting next to each other in the hospital waiting room watching my best friend try to fight your best friend for the next appointment.

- I’m scared of the dentist, so I brought my best friend along for support, but they’ve been flirting with the dentist for the past fifteen minutes and now I’m third wheeling at my own dentist appointment and hallucinating on the drugs.

- Army man & nurse/therapist I’m supposed to see but man fuck off. shit you’re cute

- It’s exam week and I run a coffee shop near the campus and you walked right into my glass door I’m laughing so hard oh my god. You start coming in regular and a friend says the only reason the cafe is popular now is because people enjoy eating while watching our relentless flirting with each other, but I swear to God we’re not flirting because you never talk much, but now these two assholes are harassing me and you step in and defend me. I really like you and I thought you liked me back until you walked in here with a date later on and whoops would you look at that I keep spilling stuff on them.

- Black Friday/black coffee: you’re sitting in front of the only plug in this entire coffee shop and not using it. I don’t care how attractive you are, I’m sitting at your table because I need that plug au.

- I work at a public market and some viral advertising campaign is filming videos across from my stall. And therefore, blocking my stall. Listen, buddy, I know you’re just doing your job, but this is getting ridiculous- oh shit you’re cute and its turns out you actually only work in the new stall next to mine and neither of us can get any work done because of the film crew so…hey?

- We both work at the same company and I kind of had a crush on you until I found out that you were the thieving asshole that kept stealing my lunch from the office refrigerator so now we’re in a meeting where there’s a semi-formal dress code and I’m slaying in my outfit, but you showed up in jeans and a sweatshirt and I’m really trying not to go over and get on to you for it and your actions. So, I just vent a little to my friend and you heard us I’m so sorry I didn’t want to be rude or anything- but seriously dude? / I forgot about the dress code at this meeting and can tell you’re bothered by it and now I’m torn between feeling bad about my clothes and being amused at your indignant reaction and I’m the sarcastic techie who got dragged into running your stupid presentation before suddenly we’ve been taken hostage Die Hard style.

- We take the same elevator every day and due to a misunderstanding, I assumed you didn’t speak English and I’ve been talking to my friend about how hot you are for three weeks and apparently my friend has known from the start, but you agreed not to tell me because you both think it’s hilarious what the fuck.

- Guest/Talk show host who flirt, do you do this with everyone? it’s been a week and oh my god, our fans are shipping us

- I understand that you’re my bodyguard but that was a freaking FRISBEE not a nuclear bomb Jesus Christ - Hey why are you still on top of me and why have I not noticed how beautiful you are?

- We somehow got stuck overnight in an ikea and I just want to go to sleep in one of the display beds but you’re slowly convincing me that it’d be fun to see how much shit we can get into before the morning staff come to open up the store.

[dine-on-nervine]

Have you _____ during this pandemic?

Worn a mask? Of course. I work in retail.

got tested for coronavirus? I haven’t been tested ever. Just temperature scans all over the place.

known someone who died from the virus? I haven’t lost anyone to my knowledge.

gotten the COVID vaccine? I did that a few days ago, with the followup on May 19.

started a new hobby? Not really, just been working on the ones I already have.

hated being stuck at home? I hated the thrifts being closed. I was never “stuck at home”.

worn a mask someone made for you? Yes, my girlfriend sewed me three.

sewn your own mask? Nah, I have a girlfriend for that. :-D

purchased masks at the store? I did that awhile ago and as of today (since I lost the mask I pulled out for the rest of the week somehow) I need to buy more.

purchased a KN95 or N95 mask? Nope. My store sells KN95 masks, but I use the blue paper ones.

complimented someone on their mask? I have done that. And I’ve seen some absolute idiot masks too, like the other day it was “This mask is as useless as the governor” (Inslee’s saving our lives so fuck you, dude!) and the transwoman in a “Trump 2020 - Fuck Your Feelings” mask.

protested mask-wearing? Nope, but I pull mine down a lot when I’m not within sight of anyone.

complained on Facebook? You know it. But mostly about other people. What fucknuts you find in Florida and Kentucky and Texas running things.

read a book? Nope.

had an event canceled you had been looking forward to? I’m sure of it. This will be two RAGS rummage sales and two UPS flea markets and one Packwood citywide rummage sale (going on two?) that didn’t happen.

stocked up on toilet paper? Well, it’s just my ass so when I had the chance to buy some I did, but I think I have 4 left from what I bought about a year ago.

been to the store when it was crowded? It happens.

been to the store when the toilet paper aisle was empty? LOL, yes. Target was wiped out, NOTHING on the shelves. WinCo was okay for nose tissue and paper towels but the toilet paper was catch-as-catch-can for a month or so.

lost your job? Actually I was hired to my job two weeks after the shit hit the fan.

worked from home? Nope.

still had to go to work? Yes. Because someone’s gotta stock those shelves.

went to a protest at your state’s capital building? Nah, that’s for losers.

watched the news for updates on the virus? I read the news and there are always updates, I don’t look for them specifically.

wondered if you had covid? It’s happened. I’ve never run a fever but various other symptoms have shown up. Every time someone asks if I’ve had this or that symptom, I lie and say no because every other malady in the world which causes those symptoms STILL EXIST.

not left the house for a week? Nope. Even when I wasn’t working right after the nation started taking this shit seriously, I was still going to the park at least 3 times a week.

watched YouTube videos? Not really.

spent a whole day watching movies? This has never interested me.

cleaned your house from top to bottom? Nope, too busy and pretty apathetic about it.

ordered something online? Yeah, that happened a few times. :)

ordered a pizza? Me personally, no. I’ve been where pizza was ordered. My girlfriend has much better taste than that so I ate pretty well from various restaurants by delivery.

prayed to God? I conversed with the universe a few times, not usually to beg for anything but to be gracious for what I have and express what I’d like to have happen or want to see come my way. And I’m happy to say that a lot of that did in some way happen.

completely forgotten a holiday that you normally celebrate? Don’t think so.

voted in an election? Definitely voted in the national election. It was the most important one in US history.

gotten to know your neighbors? Nope. A wave and a hello, and I have a new neighbor to the right, but nothing that qualifies as “getting to know them”.

sanitized everything in your home? Nope.

wrote someone a letter? I really should have, just for typing practice.

wished this pandemic were over? Name one person who does not.

been surprised this pandemic has lasted so long? Nope. We have the 1918 Spanish Flu pandemic as an example of how these things work out globally and nationally, so any talk in March 2020 about this being over in a couple weeks was unrealistic -- especially when you have millions of fucknuts who don’t take it seriously, thus spread it far and wide before any serious measures to control it happen... and then, millions of fucknuts who STILL don’t take it seriously and bitch about the control measures and refuse to do them, continuing to spread it far and wide in the name of “personal freedom”.

worried about catching the virus? It’s a reasonable fear, I work in retail! Two of my coworkers caught it and deity-only-knows how many of my customers were exposed/exposiing others.

stayed home because you didn’t want to catch the virus? This was never an option. And it was never anything I chose to do.

been to church? I can’t think of any reason why I’d go to one, other than sightseeing.

watched an online church service? I can’t think of any reason why I’d do that either. One of the people I follow (and like a lot, so this is by no means a slant on her or her beliefs) said something in a survey about singing along with the hymns in the online church service she tunes into. I had a mental image of singing hymns alone at home while watching YouTube...

been stopped by a police officer? This is not something a lot of people want to do, even if it was just a tail light out, at the present time, especially if one is not Caucasian, because racists in blue have not gotten the message to straighten up or get back into the woodwork.

seen a lot of police cars patrolling the area? Nope, though the other day I did see a higher-than-usual number of cops around when I was out driving and it wasn’t even the end-of-month ticket quota.

had someone cough on you out in public? Nope, but someone would probably get laid out flat if they did that to me.

has someone stand less than six feet away from you while waiting in line? Yeah, and there were a couple times I was at the market maintaining the proper distance at the checkstand line and some fuck stepped in front of me.

had to use an inhaler? Never needed one.

been to the doctor? Dentist, a few times in the last month, but I haven’t seen the doctor in about a year and a half.

had increased asthma and/or allergy symptoms? Nope, but since in the last year I’ve started investing in product meant to improve my indoor air quality (Air Cop doesn’t work because there’s no circulation to get the bad air to it, so get an actual ionic system that moves the air) that 5ppb of O₃ that it produces does give me a little bit of a cough.

felt like you were fighting a virus? Not really, just dealing with the usual colds.

been diagnosed with the coronavirus? No.

felt lonely? Hmm, not really. My friends have always been remote, my beloved is nearby, I like being alone when I walk at the park, and I work retail so there’s no lack of human contact (whether I want it or not).

went somewhere with a friend? I do that some some regularity.

attended an online event? I can’t place one.

had a business in your area close down? Yeah, we’ve lost a bunch of them.

received a stimulus check? All three of them.

received food stamps? Nope, I’ve never collected on that. Long been in a position where if I am short on budget I can tighten my belt when it comes to food expenses and have things come out right. Someone asked me a few years ago why I don’t get food stamps since financially I qualified (my monthly expenses definitely exceeded my income by about $100 most months) and I said, “pride?”

applied for disability? Nope, not disabled.

applied for food assistance? Nope.

visited a food pantry? Nope.

had a fever? No idea.

believed a conspiracy theory about the virus? Nope, since if you have several brain cells to rub together you see how stupid a lot of them are. And yet they still keep coming because some people are idiots.

had to take online classes? Nope. That’s my girlfriend’s daughter, a freshman at a state college, though. Going off to college was a big source of dismay for her mother because those two are really close, and then with the pandemic... well, if you aren’t going into classes and must do the work and the lectures online, there’s no reason why you can’t do that at home and at your leisure. So after all these goodbyes about her leaving, she’d come home for a month at a time.

ate at a restaurant? Yes, I still do that. Capacity is at a fraction but I still do that.

walked through a drive-thru? Around here they demand that you drive. Funny that one place had bikes or mopeds on their drive-thru sign and I was like, yeah, no, you don’t really accept that. The building is open so I’m going in, even if it’s for take-out.

had your mask fog up your glasses? The struggle is real!

had to go to the hospital because of covid? Nope. Thankfully.

had to go to the hospital for a different reason? Nope.

used hand sanitizer? It happens out of necessity and my girlfriend sprays my hands every time we get back into the car after being in a store but I don’t believe in using them in regular life.

felt encouraged, joyful, or blessed? I am, I am, and I definitely am.

[jkottke]

That fainting life

Isabella Rotman drew a comic for The Nib about her life as a hemophobe (someone who faints at the sight of blood).

Once at a former deli job, I passed out onto a pizza oven in response to a coworker's particularly graphic description of a lawn mower injury. Had the oven been on, I would have suffered some pretty drastic burns.

I'm a fainter, though not at the sight of blood. After fainting a couple of times in high school, a doctor chalked it up to low blood pressure -- I am the chillest mofo you know, blood pressure-wise -- and urged me not to stand up too quickly after lying down. Just this morning, I did not heed that advice and almost toppled over after getting out of bed and stretching my arms above my head.

But my bigger problem, and what made Rotman's comic resonate with me, is that medical procedures and doctor's offices also cause me to faint. This wasn't always the case. When I was younger, I received allergy shots up to three times a week and had no problem going into the clinic to get my shot...I even looked at the thin needle going into my arm every time. Flu shots, dentist visits, doctor's appointments? No problem. Then when I was 17, I went to the local clinic for a mandatory physical for college. They did a blood draw, which went smoothly, but right afterwards, as I was sitting in a chair in the hallway, I fainted -- probably because of my low blood pressure. Weird, but not a big deal.

Fast forward 12-15 years, during which time (because I was young and healthy and dumb and medical care is expensive) I did not visit a doctor's office1 and somehow I had developed a phobia of needles going into my skin. I found this out when I went to get a flu shot, watched the needle sink into my arm, and promptly passed the fuck out.2 Since then, any time I've had to get a shot or blood drawn, I have fainted (or at least felt like I was going to).

That's bad enough, but the problem became psychosomatic. Any trip to a doctor's office will now trigger a faint feeling, even if I'm not the patient. Every time I take my kids to the pediatrician, there's a possibility I'll end up on the floor. When my wife was pregnant with our first kid, I nearly fainted at one of her ultrasound appointments and the ultrasound tech plopped me down in a nearby chair and handed me a glucose drink, telling me that becoming a father is a lot to handle for some men. (I think I nodded weakly, not even able to muster a "yeah, it's not that".) It's gotten to the point where even *thinking* about it makes me feel weird. My palms have been sweaty and I've felt lightheaded the entire time I've been writing this post. The same thing happens when I tell people about it in person. It's ridiculous and I feel stupid about it, even though it's a stark reminder how much your subconscious thoughts can affect your body (and how little control we have over ourselves sometimes).

As Rotman did, I have been attempting exposure therapy with some success. When I went in for a physical a few months ago, I told the nurse that I might faint during the blood draw. She had me lay down on the table and just before she came over with the kit, I popped my headphones in and put on some relaxing music (Tycho I think). I broke out in a sweat and the procedure took much longer than it should have -- she had to stick me *twice* because she didn't get enough the first time -- but I got through it without passing out. Progress to build on, I hope!

Aside from a trip to the emergency room from -- you guessed it! -- a fainting incident when I was 24. Came to on the floor of the bathroom having slammed my mouth on the edge of the counter. It was exactly as painful as it sounds and it totally fucked up my grill.↩

And wow, did the nurse look alarmed when I came to a few seconds later. They all look alarmed, even when I tell them ahead of time that I might faint. One of the last times, the nurse said, "I didn't think you were actually serious." (That fainting experience was the weirdest one I've ever had. According to the nurse, I was out for about 6-8 seconds but had a whole experience in my head that lasted for at least a half hour. I wasn't near death, but it felt very real and I can definitely see how some people would interpret that as an out-of-body or religious experience.)↩