#always given me
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lived my whole life in guilt bc i thought i was responsible for people's feelings. newly realizing that other people are responsible for their feelings and reactions, even if they make it seem like i'm the problem. a lot of the time it really has to do w them and their own emotional regulation. i can't keep thinking i'm not allowed to have space bc of other people's insecurities. like i literally refuse to dim myself. other people are responsible for their feelings just as i'm responsible for mine.
#like i'm always gonna operate from a place of kindness but i've had to deal w so many people who're bad at communication/confrontation#which led me to think i'm the problem#that i deserve to be given the silent treatment or dismissed disregarded belittled etc#that's j not true. i'm far from perfect but i think so few people deserve that kind of reaction. and my biggest revelation is i do not#even if people want to make me think i do / that their reaction is justified / that i'm a burden etc#my biggest problem is i humor people like this for too long bc it's been normalized behavior to me#does this make any sense to anyone. it's the end of the year and i'm reflecting on so many things#p
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if i think about the hunger games in peeta's perspective i WILL start sobbing
#imagine you're a boy who's going to die. you're in love with the girl you've been watching from afar. you know your fate.#you just want to help her‚ but then there's the announcement and she's here in front of you‚ kissing you‚ risking her life for you and you#think‚ i could live and i could love. you think she loves you when she hands you the berries‚ when she puts them in her mouth.#then you both survive and you go back home and nothing is real anymore. you have nothing. no family. no friends. no love. just an empty#house. a drunk for a neighbor. the love of your life walking into somebody else's arms. you think‚ i survived the games. i could survive#this. and you also think‚ i should've bit down on those berries‚ should've felt the juice burst before i died.#and then the third quarter quell announcement rings in your ears and you think‚ she will live and i will die as i should have in the first#place. the girl you love kisses you on the beach and somewhere you heart stirs and your mind revolts and you savor every touch she has ever#given to you‚ in front of the cameras and off. because you are a tribute and you are always being watched and snow's presence looms and#you think‚ i know she cares. but you get taken. you get drugged. you get tortured‚ your mind altered. the girl is a mutt‚ a murderer. she's#everything you despise‚ your mind stirs. your heart revolts. you gain more awareness but cannot distinguish reality from fiction and you#have never known katniss' love. the war ends. you heal. you come home. you plant primrose for her. years down the line‚ you grow in love#more than you thought possible. but some days‚ you cannot tell fiction from reality so you ask the love of your life‚ you love me.#real or not real? and she says‚ real‚ and kisses you.#and you sigh and kiss her back and revel in this. a home. a life. a love.#lit#the hunger games#everlark#otp: real or not real?#katniss everdeen#peeta mellark#text#tais toi lys#thgpost
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Is Michael Afton gay or European in FNAF?…
#myart#chloesimagination#comic#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#michael afton#fnaf gregory#glamrock freddy#security breach#fnaf fanart#The answer is both#Unserious comic time…#listen gregory has always given me the vibe he’s a nosy kid#so I could see him just asking something LIKE this#I think Michael knows why he doesn’t have a partner#it’s pretty obvious he’s undead#so even if he was into women he couldn’t court them or anything#Michael is unbothered by the question till Gregory speaks to others#LIKE WHO ELSE IS CURIOUS#I like to think it’s Cassie Glamrock Freddy and Vanny on the other end pff#THIS IS MY GAME THEORY#michael never had a gf cause he’s gay checkmate theorists/j#spite Michael my beloved 💜💜💜
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I'm sure someone's already brought this up but like. Viktor is still wearing the goddamned Blanket™️ here. Look at the inner part of it. It's red. The outside is sun-bleached and covered in arcane corruption, but that interior is still the SAME COLOR AS THE BLANKET. It has a bit of corruption on it, but at least for me, this is the same blanket. He kept it.
#Nabexis thinks#Viktor#Viktor Arcane#jayvik#Arcane Spoilers#Arcane Season 2#Arcane#the man was given a blanket and it turned into his forever security blanket#Jayce is always with him in a way#even when he leaves#maybe even especially because he leaves and the blanket is one of the only things he takes with him#Also it being sun bleached? He stands in the sun with Jayce('s husk) ALL THE TIME for it to be that bleached. You can't tell me otherwise.
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but imagine popstar!reader x vi where you're recording an extra breathy, flirty song, and after a really good take, vi comes in, pulling you into her chest, making you squeal, giggling as she compliments you on your take (the recording studio's long since gotten used to her presence whenever you're recording), but when she kisses ur neck you moan out, whining high just the way she likes, your lashes fluttering.
little do either of you know, the mic's still on by accident, and 6 months later, the web blows up when someone posts an isolated clip from the backing track of your song -- its very clearly you -- moaning and whining, the sound tapering into a sweet little laugh.
and then a woman's sultry voice saying --
"that's right, pretty girl. make that sound again for me, hm?"
#⛈ monsoon season#i feel like im going insane; these keep popping into my head in the middle of the workday#arcane x reader#vi x reader#vi smut#arcane smut#arcane vi smut#vi arcane fluff#vi fluff#arcane fluff#lesbian#no but like......................... literally the number of these spinning around my head at any given point in time#why doe these always come to me when im so fucking busy#popstar!reader x vi#this au will be the end of me i sWEAR#arcane#♨ steamy
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With the end of season two comes a second redraw!
[Nov 2022] [June 2023] [June 2024]
#better drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#I was really looking forwards to this redraw - though the jump in skill isn't as dramatic as the last one I still am proud of my progress!#It's really incredible to look back on this last year and how much has happened since then.#Both in my personal life and this blog.#I started the second season while I was going through some pretty rough times and it truly kept my sanity afloat.#I challenged myself a lot more this year! And while it didn't always turn out the way I hoped-#-being messy and earnestly trying to do something different has been my favourite part of art.#There will always be a lot of room to grow - I don't think art and creativity has a ceiling.#I went from doubting that I was even an artist to joining a gamedev team as the lead artist! That's character growth!#Thank you all once again for joining me on this journey B*)#Thank you for all the messages and support you have sent my way these last 18 months.#I'm so happy to have been given the chance to create something for this community. You've given me so much and I am so grateful.#I'll take a little break to post some personal project stuff this week and resume season three after that!#Onwards to another season of silly (and sometimes serious) comics!
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je n'ai pas peur, je suis née pour faire ça
#fate grand order#jeanne d'arc#jeanne alter#jalter#fgo#fanart#i will always support a vegenful joan darc even if the real historical figure was very much accepting of her fate#although one just wonders if she was really. idk i think about joan darc a bit too often compared to the normal person#it disappointed me that in fate jeanne alter is just an oc with jeannes name instead of being like#a manifestation of jeannes anger and betrayal (which are completely justified given the circumstances)#anyways#the caption means “i am not afraid; i was born to do this” in shitty french probably
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#love the plot of 2x01
#mobius#loki#lokius#mcuedit#lokiedit#marveledit#loki spoilers#can't tell y'all how many times i've wondered what other tva employees think about these two flirting up and down the halls#and now we know 😅🤣#stg no matter what happens we'll always have ep 1 my beloved!! they've given me all i ever wanted 💖#owen wilson#tom hiddleston#loki s2 spoilers#marvel#owenwilsonedit#dianagifs
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Sequel to Sunshade
#my art#warrior nun#wn fanart#avatrice#still set in:#au where they get to go home and take a nap at the end of s2#Ig I felt bad I drew a fluffy snuggling scene and still didn’t let poor B rest#my painting ‘sunshade’ is structured around a visual pun#(cause people call B a ‘sunshine protector’ and funny if more literal)#but what makes avt so good is how A coaxes B out of the protector role and A is given space to not always be sunny#the sunshine protector/knight-princess dynamic is exhausting for both parties (which is why JC/ Ava doesn’t work)#so here’s the natural follow up#couldn’t think of a good pun for the caption though. Moonshine?#I actually really enjoy where the series left off. Their relationship is thematically complete.#(<- Burying this deep in the tags because I know nobody agrees with me)#imerr fanart#me: I’m totally over WN — also me:
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the lovers, reversed
(aka I'm still freaking out about Jou)
#art#ride kamens#i am about to go off on wild speculation so excuse me in advance#I HAVEN'T PLAYED THE EVENT YET so this could all be just absolutely nothing but i gotta get it out#(still debating if i wanna save the event for after i finish part 2 or not...)#this is my last chance to throw wacky theories out there okay#i've just. been thinking a lot about the riders the characters are based on and how they relate to their different classes#like the choices seemed SO random when they were first revealed but they do mostly make sense when you think about it#to the point where i actually do feel like i should've been able to call ooo for ambition. damnit.#however i did always feel like jou was a bit of an outlier and now i'm wondering if that's gonna be like...a thing#idk man just the fact that he's gonna have a special double card and bond henshin with taiten is nuts to me#especially since we're clearly on the verge of SOMETHING happening with soun and uryuu#what does it mean. WHAT DOES IT MEAN#what does this mean for the future of tower emblem#and it hasn't escaped me that there is no class associated with evolution (YET)#and thinking about who jou is based on i'm just like#(waves hands) YOU KNOW?!#(plus i'm still like WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR RUI AND HAYATE but that's a separate thing)#i'm gonna try and take my time and not rush through part 2 but i also am SO impatient#i gotta knooooow#given the way my predictions tend to go though i'm either 100% accidentally right about the dumbest thing#or jou is fine but leon fucking dies or something and i'm gonna throw my phone into a lake#HAVE FUN GUYS I GUESS
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bless his heart. he doesn't have a clue in the world
#he just really gets me idk why#oliver bearman you have bewitched me mind body and soul#it also cracks me up how hes always at least 15% smilier than kimi is in any given photo#even when kimis smiling hes like :) and ollie is right next to him just (≧▽≦)#ollie bearman#ob87
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one thing i hate about the whole solas story is how it shifts the discussion of religion in the series from looking at it from a social angle to like... basically supernatural or percy jackson. questioning whether the maker is real or whether mythal was evil just does nothing for me because it isn't relevant to anything that's actually happening in the present day; the maker could have been a time travelling oghren for all i care, what's actually interesting is the way the chantry works as an institution. imagine if da2 had been about trying to prove the maker was real so we could find out whether he was cool with what was happening in the gallows. or if dao had an elven god come down to us and grant us the power to slay the archdemon. it's bad!
#there are already SO many fantasy series where you meet gods. da used to stand out to me because it didnt!#also maybe im just not religious enough but i always thought it was a given that what the chantry believes isnt true lol
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the fact that irving canonically survives through the end of asunder to be at wynne's funeral is so fucking funny to me. nothing but love and respect for MY unstoppable cockroach morally grey machiavellian mage dad!!! he's survived in his position through multiple attempted rites of annulment and blood mage plots popping up left right and center around him. the chantry keeps trying to stamp him out but his dodge game is simply out of this world, divine. civil wars, political machinations and minefields, chantry atrocities, this wily old motherfucker is dodging and weaving his way through it all, not-quite-no-hits-taken-running-it-but-honestly-close-enough-under-the-circumstances style. if solas does succeed in tearing down the veil I would fully believe that one of the like three people still alive at the end of it all would be a very weary 90 year old first enchanter irving going 'oh this shit again huh'. the maker has cursed him for his hubris and his paperwork is never finished (affectionate, it's fine he canonically loves paperwork)
#we should have had the option to leave him in the fade instead of hawke or a warden#he would've just annoyedly shuffled his way back out of there a week later#dragon age#dragon age origins#first enchanter irving#he must be SO annoying to the chantry because it's heavily implied he's made his playground#out of tirelessly finding technicalities and loopholes to exploit that they can't *quite* call him on without domino effects going off#I think first enchanter in the circle system at origins times is a position that invariably and inevitably leaves you morally compromised#but I feel he really does his best within the rules he's given to play with and personally i love him a bit for that. and also#for being an unkillable lil shit. insufferable. inconquerable in his 'I'm about to be such an annoyance to you' impish spirit.#the I'm going to suffer but guess what. so are you of it all. traumatize the chantry back#I just imagine sophia sending letters home right before the vote for independence like '...dad I am hearing some INSANE rumours out here#what the actual fuck is going on back home???'#and he's like 'nothing that you need to worry about sweetie just keep living your best life and have fun killing darkspawn <3'#(there's something that makes me feel So much about how consistently his stance is like... 'you'll always be welcome here#but the circle doesn't *need* you; go be a warden and live your life'. he managed to fineagle freedom for you somehow and won't let you#turn and glance back. not even once. I feel somehow both so abandoned and so incredibly loved it's wild)#oc: sophia amell
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imagine being orin (already terrible) and passionately orchestrating your kills to worship your father and god with your art and being constantly shit on for it cause “bhaal only cares about quantity” but then hearing your stupid bloodkin flirt with a stupid banite using poetic violence and shit like “oh gortash when you and i are the last living souls we will wed upon my father’s alter and be forever bonded in bloody death” and still be the favorite child like fuck off i’d be so pissed 😭😭😭
#being obsessed with durgetash has also given me such insane orin brainworms as a side effect#just can’t win can i 😮💨#orin the red#enver gortash#dark urge#durge#durgetash#also the idea of when orin takes durge’s place she gets mad at gortash for being disgusted at her is funny#like she doesn’t like him at all it’s pure hatred#not that coy play fighting shit durgetash does#but its just another reminder of how she just can’t escape this role of annoying destructive brat#even though she’s trying so hard to convey her passion and loyalty to bhaal it’s just always worthless to everyone around her#waaaahhhh orinnnn my poor orin 😢😢😢#baulders gate 3#bg3
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happy memories , happy family
redraw of these two images from the show !
The first one is from s2 and the other is from s1 (I hope we get to see a better quality version of it one day)
#invincible#invincible show#invincible fanart#invincible spoilers#nolan grayson#mark grayson#debbie grayson#omniman#omni man#deblan#i think about the grayson family a very normal amount.#also the second photo is so silly to me bc it’s rly 2010s jcpenny photo shoot realness#i hope we see a more hd version of it in the show#guys it’s ok they’re all having a fun family vacation together nothing bad is happening !#i will always draw in their wedding bands if given the chance too#(coping)#nolan and debbie are the couple forever and ever in my heart#procreate#crismakesstuff
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Tender Fires
Pairing: Maximus Decimus Meridius x reader
Rating: T (hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, with a few hints of spice)
Word Count: 6.4k
Tag List: @enjisbf, @nasatshirts, @empressenchanted, @streets-in-paradise, @xiscamoony, @aelondrias
Author’s Note: I'm back with another Maximus fic! This is actually part of a larger narrative in which Maximus escapes the execution attempt and ends up at reader's farm, where she tends his wounds and they fall in love but have to fight their feelings because he intends to leave to keep her safe. As always, this fic is written from the deepest longings of my lovestruck heart, and I hope that love is obvious :) Thank y'all so much for your kind words about the last fic, and I hope you enjoy this one!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“You’re up late.”
At your words, Maximus turns his head to look at you, and a soft smile crosses his lips. His features are etched in shadow, flickering with the dancing firelight.
He’s seated in front of your kitchen fire, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, gazing deep into the flames as if searching for some hidden meaning within. You would never have known he was in here if you had not been awakened by the loud cracks of thunder outside and come in search of the warmth of the fire.
An autumn storm, a midnight fire, and the most captivating man you have ever known, dressed only in his plain white sleeping tunic. It seems like a combination intended to lure you into trouble.
As you move to sit in the chair beside him, he looks back into the hearth, a smile still tugging at the corner of his lips. “I have stayed awake staring at many fires in my life,” he tells you quietly, his voice deep and thoughtful.
Out of the corner of your eye, you risk a glance at him, looking for the scar on his ribs. He has been with you for a little more than two weeks now, helping you with odd jobs around the farm as his strength returns. His wounds, though still vulnerable, have healed quickly, and you are relieved to see no signs of further injury on the parts of his skin that you can see.
“As have I,” you reply, eyes still lingering on him. “Though for me, it has always been the same fire. This one.”
He hums in response, nodding slightly. You have never sat by this fire together at night, and you are bewitched by the way the light dances over him, makes his golden skin shimmer. The lines of his arms and shoulders are limned in shadow, the firelight flickering on his handsome features.
You are overcome with a desire to put your hands on him, to feel the heat of his skin and the strength of his body, but you cast your gaze on the fireplace instead.
“I envy you that,” he answers softly, after a short reflection. He glances up at you, studying you intently. “A home fire, always burning in the same place.”
The meaning of his words is not lost on you.
Every day, the thought of him leaving you is more painful. At the moment, as you sit close enough to listen to him breathing, the thought is unbearable. Your home is his home now, and you long — more than you have ever longed for anything — for him to realize that he belongs here.
His shadowed eyes search yours a moment more, then return to gazing at the flames.
You take a deep, steadying breath to calm yourself. Your hands are trembling, and you smooth them over your skirt, hoping he does not notice how nervous you are from this simple interaction.
“Tea?” you ask quickly, pushing yourself to stand and get a bit of space between the two of you.
He glances up again, and your heart clenches at the gentleness in his expression. He nods. “Thank you.”
Have his eyes ever seemed so wide, so earnest? Are you imagining the way his gaze lingers on you, drinking in every detail of the way you move?
You can feel the tension in the room thickening, your own heart beating faster as you fill the kettle with water and set the tea leaves to brewing. Somehow, sharing space with this man is so much more intimate at night, with a storm raging outside and a warm fire bringing extra heat to the atmosphere.
Even more astonishing to you is the fact that you are not afraid of this powerful soldier. He is strong enough to do anything he wishes to you, to take whatever he obviously wants. But even now, standing here in your night shift, with your hair and your defenses down, you have no fear of him.
If anything, you wish he would initiate a touch, a kiss, anything that would lead to the passion that has been haunting your dreams every night.
Such as your dream last night. You can still feel the sensation of your body thoroughly tangled with his, your limbs entwined, his hands pulling your skirt up to your waist. Your cheeks burn when you remember all the places he kissed in your dream, all the places he touched and explored and pleasured. Such thoughts make you ache all over again, especially now that you are standing so close to him.
A blinding crack of lightning, followed by the roar of thunder, pulls you from the dream-memory of his mouth hot on your throat.
To distract yourself from such dangerous thoughts, you ramble on the first topic you can think of. “My father used to tell me stories beside this fire,” you announce as you hang the kettle over the fire and settle back into the chair beside him. You don’t dare meet his eyes, even as a smile crosses your lips at the memory. “I always begged him to tell me ghost stories even though they frightened me.”
He tilts his head to the side to look at you curiously, a smile of his own playing at his lips. “What kind of ghosts do you have in these parts?” he asks, leaning on one arm of the chair to look at you more squarely.
Somehow, having his full attention focused on you is unnerving, undoing, arousing. You can hardly find the words to speak.
His eyes are still on your face as you feel a deep blush burning in your cheeks. You hope he will attribute it to the warmth of the fire, not your intense reaction to the way he gazes at you. If he only knew how much more heated you are by his presence.
“My favorite is the Howling Woman,” you blurt out, glad that your voice is not as unsteady as you feared. “She wears all gray, with her head covered. She’s been seen in these mountains for decades.”
He does not interrupt you, but your breath catches as his gaze wanders across your face. An absent smile is still on his lips, and he seems to be content to simply watch you, to let his eyes trace the lines of your face, your neck, your hair where it tumbles over your shoulders. His gaze is searching, admiring.
How will you find the strength to hide your desire when one look from him could bring you to your knees?
Clenching your jaw and willing the kettle to boil faster, you continue your story determinedly. “They say she was the wife of a farmer who was killed after being thrown from his horse. She found him with his neck broken.” You pause, still breathless from the effects of his undivided attention. “She went mad and drowned her own children. When she came to her senses and realized what she had done, she walked into the wilderness to die.”
You wait for him to interject, to ask some clarifying question or comment, but he does not. He is still leaning on the arm of his chair, his dark eyes captivated by the sight of you in the firelight. You can almost sense the way he is actively preventing himself from letting his gaze wander further down — where your shift does little to hide the shape of your figure.
But somehow, his watchfulness is not an act of seduction. He seems genuinely swept up in your story, spellbound by the sound of your voice. He listens to you intently, curiously, and waits for you to continue.
“But to punish her for her crime,” you continue, blushing even harder, “the gods cursed her to wander these mountains and valleys for eternity, never able to die and meet her family in the afterlife.”
It is the sound of your voice, you realize now. His gaze wanders over your features slowly, as if measuring them, but his silence persists the longer you speak. It is as if he cannot bring himself to interrupt you, so captivated as he is by your voice.
“She still walks at night,” you finish, finally allowing yourself to look deep into his eyes. There seems to be no end to them, no way to pull yourself out of the gaze that holds you captive. “She wanders, calling and wailing and howling.”
He swallows hard, licks his lips, though you guess he does so unconsciously. A shiver runs up your spine, and not from your ghost story.
You lean forward, just an inch or so, to finish the story. “They say you can hear her best on a night like this,” you whisper, and the silence between you is so concentrated that you feel you might choke on it.
His gaze flits down to your lips for a moment, and in this flickering firelight, surrounded by warmth and desire, you think he may kiss you.
The silence is broken by a loud crack of thunder outside, one that makes you jump at its suddenness. You both look away, realizing how intently you have been gazing at one another for an inexcusably long amount of time.
The tea in the kettle is boiling at last, and, glad for the distraction, you lean forward to take it off the fire. Your two cups are sitting on the table beside you, and you fill both before handing one to him. He nods his thanks, and the two of you sit quietly for a few moments, looking deep into the firelight.
He is the one who finally breaks the silence. “Do you believe in ghosts?” he asks softly, with that pleasant raspy quality you have come to recognize in him at night.
You smile and lean back in your chair to sip at your tea. “Of course,” you confirm lightly. “Don’t you?”
His expression grows quizzical, and he doesn’t lift his eyes away from the fire. He takes a sip of his tea, thinks for a long time before answering. You are more than content to sit in silence with him, but he finally comes to an answer.
“No,” he tells you quietly, still mesmerized by the dancing flames. Eerie shadows prance over his fine features. “Spirits do not wander the earth after death. They go to the afterlife.”
His voice is calm and even, but resolute, assured. You have talked so little with him about such things, and you cannot deny your curiosity at learning more about what he believes.
“How do you know?” you press, unconsciously leaning toward him.
He does not move for a moment, just grips his cup tighter and sharpens his gaze at the fire. “I have seen enough death to feel certain of it,” he declares, then turns his head to look into your eyes again. “If ghosts could exist,” he tells you softly, gently, “then I would be haunted by them every moment.”
Your heart aches for him now, for the pain and grief he carries with him always. His life has been difficult, laden with the weight of many lives and much responsibility. Even in a peaceful haven like your home, he is ever followed by the burdens of his past, no matter how much comfort and peace you have offered him.
“Perhaps they do not wish to speak to you,” you suggest, tilting your head to show that you are teasing him. “Perhaps you do not know all there is to know in the world.”
His haunted expression softens as he looks at you, taking in the meaning of your words. As before, his soft smile smoothes the lines in his face, lifts a bit of the weariness etched into his features. You can’t help wondering if he realizes your effect on him, if he craves these moments of tranquility and comfort as much as you do.
“I am sure of that,” he tells you in a low voice, and your heart turns over at the simple passion in his eyes.
You lapse into silence once again, each of you drinking your tea and losing yourself in thought. Your own ponderings are of him, wondering what he is thinking. He has seemed burdened ever since you found him sitting by the fire, and you long to know what worries him.
If he only knew how your heart leaps at the sight of him, how you long to cradle his face in your hands, to kiss him until all his burdens are lifted, until all he knows is this deep, all-consuming love that has swept over your heart like an autumn storm.
The thunder continues to roll outside, the rain pelting your roof relentlessly, but the warmth of the fire and the pleasant constancy of his presence is comforting.
You do not press him for several long minutes, letting him mull over his worries in silence until both of you have finished your tea. When you set your two empty cups on the table beside you, you finally decide to inquire, pushing your chair a few inches nearer to him and leaning on one arm of the chair so you can look into his eyes more closely.
“What troubles you?” you ask softly, and he finally lifts his head, dark eyes burning into yours with all the intensity of the hearth fire.
His voice is hardly more than a whisper when he replies, “Ghosts.”
“Memories?” you ask, entranced by the way he slowly leans forward, closing the distance between the two of you one inch at a time. Your skin suddenly burns, aching for a touch, one simple touch, that will answer your constant longing for his hands on you.
After a moment of hesitation, in which he seems to ponder the consequences of what he wants, he finally lifts one hand and trails his fingertips down the side of your face.
“Shadows of things I do not understand,” he murmurs absently, and he traces the line of your jaw with fingers so gentle you cannot imagine them ever wielding a sword.
He gazes at you more openly now, his eyes traveling down to your lips as his thumb brushes over them. You suppress a shudder at the contact, and he strokes your lips a few times, transfixed by the sight, before sliding the backs of his knuckles down the column of your throat.
Stars in the heavens, if he only knew how your body is aching for him, how you respond to the slightest touch he gives you.
You finally find your voice to speak. “Is it your men?” you ask softly, as if the room has suddenly been overtaken by a spell.
He sighs, brow furrowed deeply in thought. “They were not my men,” he replies at last, still stroking his fingers down your neck. “Not the ones who betrayed me. My men were loyal, courageous.” His voice is thick with sorrow, and you sense that recalling this memory is painful for him. “They were my brothers,” he half-whispers. “They would have risen up in rebellion if they had known.”
Your heart aches again at the sadness in his voice, the sadness he works so hard to disguise throughout the day. Somehow, in the darkness, in the stillness of nighttime, he seems more vulnerable.
“Why does the Emperor want you dead so badly?” you finally venture to ask.
His hand stills on your neck, eyes not quite focused on your face. He seems to be traveling back in time in his mind, and he draws a deep breath as he thinks. Almost as if he does not realize what he is doing, his hand wanders to the base of your neck, absently stroking the sensitive skin there.
It’s all you can do to hold still, to keep from betraying how perfectly wonderful his touch is to you.
His voice is low and measured when he answers your question. “I once received favor that he believed should have been his.” He pauses, then raises his eyes to meet yours meaningfully. “By his own father.”
His words take you aback, and you know he must notice your wide-eyed stare. “Marcus Aurelius?” you squawk in disbelief. “You knew the great Emperor?”
“Yes,” he replies, his face softening into a smile at the memory. You are shocked by the revelation, but his fond smile warms your heart after seeing his heavily burdened expression a moment ago.
He presses on, though his hand is now running softly over your shoulder, skimming over the top of your thin shift. “I was young when he took me under his wing,” he explains, eyes tracing the path his hand is making on your shoulder. “I had won some small battles, and he saw in me potential for greater things. He made me what I am today.”
He strokes your shoulder once, gently, then removes his hand, as though he cannot trust himself to keep touching you there. Again lifting his deep blue eyes to meet your gaze, he looks at you so tenderly, so affectionately, as he raises the same hand to tuck your hair behind your ear.
You want to melt, to close your eyes and sigh in pleasure at his simple touch, but you fight for your composure. “He must have been a great man,” you manage instead, meaning every word.
“He was the greatest man I have ever known,” he murmurs, stroking his fingers through your hair at your temple now. “He is the closest thing to a father that I ever knew.”
You have noticed how the man is drawn to your hair whenever you leave it down. He seems fascinated with it, with the way it cascades through his fingers when he cards them through it. His attentions are so gentle, so unobtrusive, as if he is unable to keep himself from simply admiring your beauty in this soft firelight.
“And that is why the Emperor envies you,” you observe to keep from losing your breath.
“Yes,” he answers quietly, his voice hardly above a whisper. “He believed that his father wanted to pass on his power to me.”
You nearly startle in surprise at his words. Not only the commander of the northern armies, not only a confidante of Marcus Aurelius, but the rightful future emperor himself?
You almost feel dizzy, though you’re not sure if it is from the shocking news or the way his fingers keep brushing your temple as he plays with your hair. “Did he?” you prompt him breathlessly, genuinely curious.
He ponders for several long moments, letting your hair stream between his fingers. You are entranced simply by looking at his features — his dark eyelashes, his sharp nose, the gentle creases by his mouth. He is so exquisitely lovely to you, so unaware of how deeply he affects you.
“I do not know,” he finally admits, tracing the side of your face before letting his hand fall back into his lap again. “He never told me.”
His words silence some of the shock you were feeling at wondering if you were in the presence of a man who was supposed to have ruled Rome. The thought of this man, this humble, honest, unpretentious warrior, ruling such a corrupt and conniving empire is almost unthinkable.
You are struck by the absence of his touch, and he seems hesitant to initiate any more contact now that he realizes how close he has drawn to you. He’s still watching you carefully, as if gauging your reaction to his touches, but you cannot resist reaching out to him now.
Your fingers seek out the necklace that hangs down to his chest, a simple cord bearing two wolf’s teeth on the end. You have never asked him about its origin. You handle it carefully, and the man barely breathes as your hand hovers over his chest.
“What would you have done if all this had never happened?” you ask softly, caught in the intimacy of this quiet moment. “Would you have been a soldier all your life?”
Your question is a heavy one, full of unspoken desire and curiosity. You can tell he senses that desire by the way his dark eyes burn into yours, by the way his chest rises and falls more quickly, as if you are taking his breath away just by touching his necklace.
He thinks for a few moments, still gazing deep into your eyes. “I always imagined I would die in battle,” he tells you, a hint of sorrow in his voice. “There seemed no other fate in store for me.”
Your heart tightens, and you let go of your loose grip on his necklace. Suddenly, all you want to do is touch him, to make contact with his body somehow. His words have struck a chord in your heart, reminding you how grateful you are that this world-weary soldier has come to your home, to your hearth, instead of falling on a battlefield hundreds of miles away.
With your pulse racing, you press your hand flat against his chest, splaying your fingers over his heart. Even through the fabric of his nightshirt, you can feel his heart pounding like a war drum, perfectly in rhythm with your own.
Oh, how you long to press your heart against his, to be wrapped up in his arms, so thoroughly tangled with his body that you cannot tell where you begin and he ends.
His breath comes more quickly now, his lips parted and his eyes scorching yours with a hunger that stirs your blood.
“But,” he begins in a hoarse whisper, his gaze flickering down to your lips and then back up, “I did imagine, sometimes…” He pauses, licks his lips again, takes a slow breath, “that if I did have a chance to grow old… I might…”
He halts again, his voice dying in his throat. You press your palm more firmly against his chest, and his heart skips a beat beneath your hand. You can feel his skin burning hot under his shirt.
“Tell me,” you whisper, and a look of unadulterated desire flashes across his face.
He leans close to you, close enough that his breath skims over your lips. “That I might one day have a home,” he breathes. “A family.” He sighs softly, the longing in his voice especially evident. “A life of peace always seemed… unlikely.”
The hesitation in his words is palpable, and suddenly his own larger hand is covering yours, pressing it tight against his chest. You realize that he is relishing your touch the way you relished his a moment ago.
After holding your hand against his heart a moment longer, he grasps your hand in his, lifts it to his lips. Your own heart skips a beat now, when he presses a slow, languid kiss to the back of your hand.
“And now?” you whisper, breathless and tingling with need.
He breathes against your hand, slowly and calmly. “Now,” he echoes, his voice rumbling in your bones. “Now a life of peace seems impossible.”
No. No, he cannot mean that. He cannot still mean to leave you when his gentle eyes speak of the passion he holds for you.
“It does not have to be,” you insist, lifting your free hand to touch the side of his face. He actually sighs at your touch, his eyes fluttering closed. His lips are slightly parted, and it takes all your willpower not to lean forward and kiss him until he can breathe nothing but your name.
His eyes remain closed when he responds, your hand still cradled in his. “To believe otherwise would be foolish,” he tells you, though his voice is anything but resolute. “Dangerous.”
You stroke the side of his face tenderly, enraptured by the way he reacts to your touch. He seems so relaxed, so overwhelmed when you caress him gently. The thought suddenly strikes you that this man has probably never been touched this way — not as light as a feather, with such love and affection that he can feel it beating in rhythm with his heart.
When you brush your fingertips down his neck, over the sensitive skin of his throat, he makes a sound so soft, so unguarded, that you nearly come undone for him right there.
“Are you not well acquainted with danger?” you whisper, leaning in closer to him. He opens his eyes when he feels you drawing nearer, and his fathomless eyes lock onto yours with an intensity that sends a shiver down your spine.
You want him to stay. You want him to love you as you so desperately love him. You want him to never stop looking at you the way he is now.
And when you press your hand flat against the side of his neck, your gaze fluttering over every perfect feature of his face, his soul opens to you, and you see all the love you bear for him reflected deep in his own eyes.
“Yes,” he breathes, and he leans forward to close the few inches that separate your lips from his.
The first sensation that strikes you is his blood pulsing in his neck, hammering against your hand as you caress him. His own hand tangles in your hair, holding you in place while he presses his lips against yours.
There is no hesitation in this kiss, no second-guessing or reluctance. His lips move against yours in a rhythm so natural that you wonder if he has imagined this as many times as you have.
He tilts his head slightly to the side, drowning in your kiss like a dying man seeking air. You can feel the breath knocked out of your lungs, so unaccustomed to any attention as passionate as this. The man lifts his other hand to cradle your jaw, still kissing your lips, gently but insistently, over and over and over.
This is what heaven must be like, you realize distantly when his tongue slides against yours, every inch of your skin tingling in response. His undivided attention, his unashamed desire for you is so arousing, so delightful in every way.
You can feel your cheeks burning, your skin heating up, the longer his hands linger on your face and neck. His fingers stroke your jaw, and his other hand grips your hair just hard enough to hold you in place. He is still reveling in your kiss, still using his lips and tongue to draw out the softest moan you have ever made in your life.
As soon as he hears it, he moves his lips to press against the corner of your mouth, much as he did the first time he kissed you in the barn. He trails his lips down your jaw, peppering kisses on every inch of skin he passes.
Thoroughly excited by his kisses and touches, your mind is all too eager to provide any number of tempting images. When he dips his head to one side, lips touching the place where your jaw meets your neck, all you can imagine is the careful way he would undress you, lay you down, and make love to you, slowly and gently but passionately.
He drags his lips down your neck, his curious tongue coaxing another soft sound from you. Again, your mind flashes to all the ways he might use his tongue on you, all the places he could seek out and tease until you are so dizzy with pleasure that all you can say is his name, over and over.
Another press of his tongue, and it takes all your strength not to beg him to take you right here. You can imagine it so easily, the way he would grip your waist, your hips, the way you would wrap yourself around him and touch every inch of his bare skin if he would only give you the chance.
What would you not give to see him shudder in pleasure, to throw his head back and hold you tight as you cling to him and make him feel the same thing he ignites in you?
It’s at that moment that he whispers your name, tenderly, reverently, like a prayer, against the soft column of your throat. Your whole body shudders in response, your hands tightening where they have landed on his broad shoulders, and he finally fulfills what you have been aching for.
One strong arm wraps around your waist, the other around your upper back, and in the space of a breath the man has pulled you against him, leaning you to the side so that you are cradled in his arms across his lap.
You are suddenly very aware of how thin your shift is, of the way he must be able to feel every curve of your body pressed against him. His fingers are gentle where they wrap around your waist, and you feel with heightened awareness all the strength of his own body, all his powerful muscles and vigorous energy.
All you can do is sigh in pleasure as he keeps his head buried in your neck, still kissing your sensitive skin as though he cannot get enough of you.
You can barely take a breath, so overcome with the multitude of sensations he ignites in you. His hand flexes against your waist, and you respond in kind with your fingers digging into his back.
You have the distinct impression that the man is having to physically restrain himself from going further, that all he wants to do right now is yank open your shift and kiss his way down your bare body. As irresistible as that thought is, you let him take the lead, and he chooses to simply kiss you rather than ravish you.
He is a noble man, a man of honor, and though your body is aching for him to truly make you his, you take pleasure in his self-control, his respect for you.
His fervent kisses to your neck finally slow, and he breathes against your skin as though trying to memorize you. When he nuzzles his face against your neck, all you can do is close your eyes in absolute ecstasy. One of your hands finds its way into his hair, and it’s his turn to shiver with pleasure, pulling you even closer against his body and resting his lips against the curve of your neck.
He goes still in your arms when you stroke his hair, slowly and tenderly with your fingertips. Again, you are struck by his reactions to your gentle touches, by the way he melts into your arms as though overpowered.
Several long moments are spent in that position, with you cradled against his chest, his face against your neck. You would be content to stay like this all night, just listening to him breathe, feeling his heart beating against your side.
But the moment passes, as all moments do. Another crack of thunder shakes the house, and you can’t help but jump a little in his arms.
As if pulled out of his daze, the man smiles softly against your neck, strokes your back soothingly in a way that only serves to make you arch your body against his. A moment later, he lifts his head from the crook of your shoulder, letting his face brush against yours as you disentangle yourselves.
Though you have just spent the last few moments passionately embracing and kissing, and though both of you are still flushed and breathless with exhilaration, the following moment is not awkward. You do not look at each other as you part, but you can sense your own relief and contentment in him.
You do not know what will come of this. You do not know if he will stay much longer. But in a moment like this, with your lips still swollen from his kiss and your skin still burning from his touch, you feel as though no heartbreak can be as vast as this perfect fulfillment you feel with him.
You stand slowly, glad that you are not as unsteady as you feel, and you lift the kettle off the fire just to have something to do. You can feel the man’s eyes on you, though he does not speak.
“It is a fierce storm tonight,” you comment, almost without realizing that you are speaking. The silence between you was comfortable, but you long to say something, to know that he is still at ease with you.
He takes his time in responding, especially since you have your back to him. “Yes,” he says simply, his voice deep and husky.
Stars, how you want to hear that voice in your ear, in your bed, murmuring to you while you both reach the height of your shared pleasure.
You swallow hard to banish your intrusive thoughts. You move to set the kettle down in your cabinet and scramble to think of something else to say. Rain continues to pound against your roof, sending a slight chill through the air despite the warmth of the fire.
“Will you be warm enough tonight?” you ask over your shoulder, still conscious of his eyes burning into your back.
Again, he takes his time answering. “Yes,” he finally replies. “Will you?”
You let the question hang, still standing with your back to him. You hope he can understand your wordless answer, especially after sharing such an intimate moment.
The only warmth I crave now is the heat of your body against mine.
Still trying to avoid meeting his eyes, you half-turn to pick up your two empty cups from the table. Doing so makes you lean against the side of the little square table, and you notice with great surprise that it does not tilt dangerously to the side as it has for the last several months.
The table legs are perfectly even now, and you suddenly raise your eyes to look at the man squarely. He is gazing at you with the oddest combination of expressions — desire, contentment, admiration, sorrow, longing, affection, and several others you cannot name.
“You fixed my table,” you observe, genuinely struck by the kindness of his simple gesture. You don’t know when he did it, but sometime in the last few days he must have noticed the unsteadiness and taken the time to fix it somehow.
He holds your gaze for a long moment, and a small smile tugs at the corner of his lips. “It needed fixing,” he replies simply.
Your heart leaps into your throat, though you can’t say quite why. Despite the fact that just a moment ago you were wrapped up in his arms, sighing while he covered your neck with kisses, you are much more affected by his modest demonstration of kindness — fixing something of yours that was broken.
“Thank you,” you tell him softly, returning his small smile with all the warmth blossoming in your heart.
You finish your task, setting the two cups in the cabinet to be washed tomorrow. The storm outside has quieted somewhat, but you can still hear the constant pounding of raindrops on the roof and walls.
Quiet thunder rolls in the distance as you turn to look at the man again. He is still seated, leaning forward with his knees on his elbows, gazing at you curiously.
This is what you want: this man in your home, always, sharing your fire, sharing your space, looking at you as if you hold his heart in your hands.
The words spill from your lips before you can consider them. “My father always told me that a storm can make a person change their mind about anything.” You hear the significance in your own words, and you press on anyway. “He said it’s in their nature to bring about transformation.”
The man’s darkened eyes do not leave yours for a moment, and you hold his gaze steadily, wanting him to hear your unspoken plea.
Stay with me. Let me love you as I do in my dreams.
His face does not betray any decision, but his gaze is tender, filled with a weary longing. His eyes explore each feature of your face as gently as his fingers did a few moments ago.
“Perhaps I will listen to it for awhile, then,” he murmurs, and your heart sighs.
All is not lost. You must simply wait.
As you start towards the doorway that leads to your bedroom, you pause beside his chair. The man is looking up at you with eyes that melt you to your very soul. Overcome with your affection for him, you lift one hand and stroke the side of his face, smiling down at him fondly.
“Goodnight, general,” you whisper, and your heart whispers, Beloved.
Before you can drop your hand, the man wraps his fingers around it and brings it to his lips. An unhurried kiss to the back of your hand, one that sends another shiver down your spine, and he releases you. His eyes burn into yours, intense, ardent, yearning.
“Goodnight,” he whispers, and your heart hears his whisper, Beloved, long after you have slipped into the next room.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
More of my fanfiction if you're so inclined :)
#this may or may not be the best standalone fic i've ever written#i forgot about it but it seemed appropriate for halloween hehe#in case anyone is wondering this is what is happening in my brain constantly#this is just the words version of it#maximus is ALWAYS on my mind#i am eternally longing for sweet moments like this#i swoon i yearn i melt i die#the thought of sharing a moment like this with him???#i go into cardiac arrest#i wrote this and it still makes me melt every time i reread it#because it's from the heart!!#this was written with all the love i bear for him!!!#welcome to this tiny glimpse into my heart and soul friends#enjoy the drama#and the love#and the spicy hints here and there hehehehe#oh maximus how i love you#how i would love you if given the chance#gladiator#maximus#maximus decimus meridius#gladiator 2000#russell crowe#fanfiction#gladiator fanfiction#maximus x reader#maximus decimus meridius x reader#my fanfiction
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