#although i think our relationship was ultimately really healthy and healing for both of us. it also. isn't a good starting point.

[thedreadvampy]

So if I may be allowed a moment of pure uncut bitch energy

I went out last night with a pal who I originally know through my then-partner's partner. like he's their partner's bestie and has known them since before that relationship started.

which means uhhhhh I got some TEA about what happened a) before my ex was in the picture and more significantly b) before I was in the picture and knew either of them.

(he didn't know we'd broken up, which surprised me cause he's obviously closer to them than to me. and as soon as he found out he was like OH? OK. I HAVE SOME THOUGHTS.)

so I mean TL;Dr I'm sad about my breakup again but this time less in a 'I miss my ex who I was in love with' way and more in a like. 'my dude. you had a choice between two relationships and you chose THAT ONE over ME? buddy.'

like I'm kind of a mess and I'm far from a perfect partner but the general consensus - from them, from their friends, from their family - is that I have been really really good for them and helped them get a lot more confident at looking after themself and having some baseline expectations of safety and respect.

and if the stuff my pal told me last night is even 1% accurate (and it lines up with and contextualises stuff that they, their partner and my best friend who's also embroiled in this Gay Drama have told me over the past 4-5 years). hoo boy. like I already had a LOT of issues with how their partner treated them and others, and that was kind of a good chunk of why we broke up in the end bc I couldn't moderate that, but as has happened with other partners-of-partners in the past I have tried to engage in the best possible faith with them and be as charitable as possible in my interpretations of their behaviour.

but I'm not their fuckin metamour now am I and it's no longer my shit to work with so you know, I can simply say. they treat their partner like ass and evidently have done since literally day 1 of their relationship (I was previously informed by my ex that this was an 'unusually rough period' and it was 'normally fine'), in a situation where my ex is financially dependent on them and moved to a different country for them and now into a house that they own. and I am sad because I am legitimately very worried about them.

I hope (based on the conversations we had while breaking up) that them recognising the need for our relationship to end is a step towards them having the kind of self-assertiveness to either address how their partner treats them or to leave them behind. cause they are an incredibly lovely person and they deserve better than they're getting in this relationship, and like all their friends see it, their brother sees it, but so far they're so kneejerk defensive of their partner that they just shut down if anyone is like 'hey that seems like a shit way to behave.'

and like I get it I've been there plenty, it's really hard and it's not work someone can do for you. But it's hard to watch, you know?

[amysubmits]

do you have any thoughts on how things like Autism and ADHD can play a positive and/or negative role in relationships and sexual interactions especially in the BDSM D/s dynamic?

Hi :)

I have ADHD, we used to think CD also had ADHD as he was diagnosed with it previously, but we recently learned he was misdiagnosed.

We both have some autistic traits, but I don't think either of us likely qualify for the diagnosis. I find development really interesting so I've sort of been interested in learning about autism since I was in high school...but I don't know nearly as much as many other people. Anyway, I know some about both but I only really have experience with ADHD so this will be more ADHD focused and any of the autism stuff should be taken with a grain of salt.

Some positives that come to mind:

Clear communication. I think people with autism and/or ADHD both tend to be more literal and direct rather than speaking vaguely or in metaphors. I think there is a lot of benefit to having really clear communication in kink or d/s. It just lowers the risk of miscommunication and can increase intimacy which can be a really awesome thing, too.

ADHD can come with hyperfocus which can make BDSM or D/s experiences really enhanced if they're super locked in to the experience.

Passion. Whether it's hyperfocus in ADHD or special interests in autism, both groups can be really passionate about the things they are interested in. If one of those interests or fixations is BDSM or D/s, they can do a really great job of researching thoroughly and learning a lot, which can lead to better educated and ultimately safer interactions and relationships.

The ability to fully "unmask" can be really healing. I think the nature of BDSM and D/s can allow people to be more "themselves" than they might feel they can be in other relationships or situations. With kink not really being the most socially acceptable thing, by exploring kink, we're sort of rejecting some of society's expectations for us. Instead of asking what our relationships 'should' be like or what our bedroom play 'should' include, we can instead ask ourselves what we want and what is healthy for us and so on, and customize our relationships and intimate interactions based on those. And I think taking that same basic idea of...I'm going to set my goals and expectations based on what I actually want, what really works for me/us, etc - is a really good way to approach life in general when you have neurodivergence. Or if you don't, haha. But especially if you do! Cause we can't fit in the neurotypical box. I've found a lot of healing through d/s this last year. I should write about that!

Some mixed:

Almost everyone with autism (google says 90%), and around 40% of people with ADHD, also have sensory processing disorder. Which has pros and cons in my mind. Because on one hand, if someone is sensory seeking in certain ways, BDSM may be a great way to get the sensory input they like or need. On the other hand, people with sensory issues may have more sensory related hard limits or triggers that need to be worked around.

Some negatives:

Lots of people with ADHD (and I'd think maybe autism as well?) have regularly been criticized for their shortcomings. I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone who had ADHD as a kid, especially if it wasn't diagnosed young, but probably even if it was - who don't have insecurities that were caused by unfair/unreasonable criticism. Although most everyone knows about ADHD, it's still not well understood. I was diagnosed at 13 or 14 but have just started to really understand what ADHD looks like for me this past year! For a long time I thought I was misdiagnosed because my experiences didn't mirror examples of ADHD that I had always seen/heard. Anyway, I feel like most people think ADHD means being hyper and not paying attention to the teacher in school, and "...squirrel!" right? but not everyone with ADHD has hyperactivity and even those who have the hyperactive type, often have a lot of other types of symptoms that most people don't recognize as being ADHD symptoms. Like sensory issues, memory issues, difficulty with task initiation, other forms of executive function, rejection sensitive dysphoria, impulsivity. And due to that lack of understanding and sort of...ableism, I guess, I think a lot of ADHD people have wounds related to being treated as if we chose to do things poorly or were careless, even though we did our best. Most of us have experiences of being criticized as if we were making immoral choices, when in reality we had shortcomings that we couldn't overcome on our own. And when you grow up experiencing that a lot, it seeps into your view of yourself and makes you insecure and sensitive to criticism. If you have that sort of wound, it can make D/s challenging because accepting respectful criticism or critiques are part of d/s on both sides of the slash.

Most people with ADHD experience rejection-sensitive dysphoria, similar to what I stated above. But yeah this can make it hard to accept criticism and not get defensive or overly hurt, which can make being submissive tough in some situations.

With SPD, that sometimes includes auditory processing issues which can make verbal communication more challenging. This could potentially be dangerous if a sub says the safeword and the dom has auditory processing issues and doesn't immediately process/understand what was said. In other situations it may just make communication harder.

I'm sure there's lots more, but hope this is a decent start. I'd love to see people with ASD or ADHD or both comment with their experiences. :)

[fontofmercy-archived2]

Do people really not see the appeal of enemies-to-lovers? I keep seeing these ridiculous posts about how Problematic it is that people are shipping people who *gasp* have fought in canon *clutches pearls*. It’s totally fine to not enjoy the trope, but to pretend like it’s some ridiculous new idea that “silly 14 y/o fangirls” have made up and it has no appeal outside of a “bad boy kink” (which is very patronizing and sudetly misogynistic phrase) is extremely disingenuous. ‪Enemies-to-lovers is one of the oldest and most enduring fictional stories of all time, and for good reason. Because many, many people enjoy it for many, many different reasons. I’m going to focus on het enemies-to-lovers and the female gaze because that’s where I see the most controversy happening. Although there certainly is a lot to be said about slash/femslash enemies-to-lovers, especially how it can be used to explore internalized homophobia and the gay experience, and I may make a follow-up post about that.

What baffles me the most is people that accuse enemies-to-lovers of being inherently abusive or abusive when there’s any actual conflict (like, you know, stories have) beyond something boring that no one would write like they stepped on each other’s toes in a movie theater. This extreme purity police attitude shows a lack of any understanding about storytelling and what like...fiction is. But diving even deeper into this claim, enemies-to-lovers is in dynamically the exact opposite of an abusive relationship, and that in of itself is a large part of its appeal for a lot of people. No intimate abuser will announce themselves as your sworn enemy, they will present themselves as everything you have ever wanted and the most perfect partner you could imagine. Instalove, the exact opposite of enemies-to-lovers, is actually the trope that resembles love bombing aka how most abusive relationships start. One of the reasons enemies-to-lovers can be so appealing, especially to women and people who have been in toxic relationships, is because when the enemy becomes your lover - you know they mean it. You know how they behave with their enemies, you know the darkest part of them and you don’t need to worry about what is lurking beneath the surface because you’ve already seen it and battled it and gotten past it.

As far as being misogynistic, enemies-to-lovers is literally a power fantasy for the female gaze. It’s the idea of someone who once opposed you being so enamored by you in your most unfiltered, non-seductive form that they listen to you, see things from your perspective, and ultimately align their strength with yours. Women are told that we need to make ourselves small and inoffensive and perfect to attract men or anyone or anything positive, so of course the idea that someone could become deeply enamored, almost against their will, with you when you are actively fighting them, arguing with them, challenging them etc. that those qualities, that being opinionated and angry and passionate and strong, could be the very thing that attracts them to you is a subversion of that idea. And enemies are equals, for a woman to be considered a worthy adversary to a man (and not by becoming a man to him or a sexual “temptress”) means the woman is being respected as his equal. This is a dynamic entirely based on equality, it relies on both characters being of equal strength, much more so than most romance tropes.

This is not exclusive to the female gaze though, in general it’s a fantasy that many can appreciate. Everyone has insecurities and bad moods, and intimacy is difficult for everyone (to varying degrees). In an enemies-to-lovers ship, the lovers have already seen each other in their most unromantic state. They have seen each other screaming with the rage of battle, have seen each other’s scorn and sneer, have seen each other so intimately that once they enter “lovers” and even “to”, there is nothing new to discover except the good parts. Imagine if you could get into a relationship where you don’t have to worry about what your partner’s hiding or if they will reject you because you always know the worst of each other, have already accepted it, and now get to fall in love discovering only the good parts. It creates a very intimate and intense dynamic.

On the other hand, there’s the appeal from the perceptive of the antagonist. Some people prefer to identify their trauma or pain or insecurities with antagonists rather than protagonists because they don’t see that part of themselves as the hero and/or they don’t want to have to hold that part of themselves up to some pristine standard. Some people want to see the dark part of themselves go full dark and then be loved anyways. The idea that you can always change for the better, that you are always worthy of love no matter how damaged you think you are. The idea that someone bright and good could see the most angry, hurt, ugly part of you and still love you. That is a very hopeful and positive message to a lot of people. I will never understand these types of people’s hateful opposition to redemption and healing, because I truly think that’s one of the most beautiful and powerful messages a story can have when it’s done right. The obsession some people have with punishment and condemnation simply is not healthy or productive.

Also, if people could stop infantalizing women as if we can’t differentiate reality from fiction with our silly girl brains, and also stop demonizing girls/women for exploring their sexuality in fiction by calling every goddamn thing “fetishization” - basically just stop being misogynistic af, yeah that’d be great thanks.

[strawberry1212]

The healthy masculinity of Seongyeom in Run On

“Masculinity” itself is a difficult concept, but in this post I intend on using the word less in association to a person’s gender, and more as a characteristic that both women and men can embody. For example, I think Mijoo has masculine characteristics such as assertiveness, and Seongyeom has more feminine characteristics such as doing nurturing acts of service towards those he cares about. I believe a well rounded person has both masculine and feminine qualities, and one set of qualities should not be prized over the other (as masculine qualities are routinely over-valued in our society). (This is a complicated topic, so any discussion on gender/gender expression is appreciated and I am willing to learn!)

The typical toxic masculinity

Seongyeom’s healthy masculinity stands out starkly in a Kdrama sea of toxic masculinity. I have made a list breaking down toxic masculinity tropes in Kdramas, but essentially Kdrama Male Leads (ML) draw their masculinity from dominance over others. This is usually in the form of being in a dominating position over the female lead (FL), such as being her boss, being above her in a high school social hierarchy, or she is under some contract to serve him. He also usually dominates society at large, being the son of an heir, a CEO, etc., some position where he benefits from the capitalist exploitation of others. The scenes that showcase the ML’s masculinity are when he asserts dominance over the FL through wrist grabs, backing her into a corner, etc., or when he flaunts his wealth (the typical scene in an upscale store, “we’ll buy everything from here to there”), and provides these Grand Romantic Gestures via his wealth (helicopter rides, renting out a whole restaurant just to talk to her, etc.). He knows what he wants, he goes after it, and he gets it, the “it” often being the objectified FL. As viewers we are supposed to swoon over the fantasy of being dominated by this rich, hot man. 

Seongyeom’s healthy masculinity

Now enter Seongyeom. Seongyeom does not really seek to dominate anyone--instead his masculinity stems from his defense of those weaker, and his commitment to his values. He is strong because of his goodness, rather than the typical male lead being soft/good in spite of his masculinity.

The core plot point is his relationship to Woosik: although him beating up Woosik’s bullies is a display of more typical masculinity, his overall protection of Woosik was not in that act of violence, but in his persistence to be held accountable for that act of violence. In the toxic sports world where violence was not held accountable, Seongyeom’s protest was not to commit the act of violence, but to openly admit it and force others to hold the act of violence accountable. He repeatedly states that non-defensive violence is not ok no matter what, breaking with the traditional toxic masculinity that a guy fighting for the girl or some other “valiant” reason is therefore okay. 

Seongyeom has a rare integrity, and his unshakeable commitment to this integrity is what impresses his masculinity upon the viewer. The hallmark moment of his protection of Woosik is again, not in beating up his bullies, but in boycotting the race, and coming forward about the violence and demanding to be held accountable. This action was peaceful, but incredibly courageous. He is protective (a typically masculine trait) of Woosik, but not through violence or abuse of power, but by having the courage and integrity to do the right thing.

When he protects/supports Mijoo, it is also not in a possessive way. I think a prime example is when Mijoo gets sick: it’s a classic Kdrama trope, girl gets sick from overworking, guy arrives to save her. Any other Kdrama would have him arrive just as she’s fainting and catch her. Using his wealth, he would get the VIP room of a hospital for her. But Run On is different. Mijoo is able to get to the hospital herself--she doesn’t need saving. However, he arrives to stay by her side supportively, and when the old ladies are annoying her, instead of using a combative method, he is his normal, gentle self, and charms them into being more quiet.

The drama’s handling of Seongyeom’s privilege

A cornerstone of toxic ML masculinity is his position of immense wealth and power. Interestingly, Seongyeom also comes from a background of wealth and power. However, rather than fetishizing it, as kdramas tend to do, Seongyeom is clearly separate from his family’s background. This is established from the fact that rather than simply being a CEO inheriting his family’s company, he has made a name for himself as a runner, having his own profession, with his own unique skills. The drama generally refrains from ostentatious displays of his wealth, and his actions for Mijoo are acts of service and time (bring her a glass to drink her soju out of, taking the driver job for her, moving close to her so she has to walk less, and overall being a kind, supportive little bean to her), rather than servicing his immense wealth to her . 

More importantly, it is how the drama handles the emotional impacts of Seongyeom’s privilege. Usually wealthy, but lonely backgrounds are used as an opportunity to excuse the male lead’s disrespectful behavior, to explain away his shitty personality, and also as an opportunity for the cheerful and kind female lead to “heal” the male lead. I cannot stress how much this trope disgusts me, as this “broken man just needs the right, patient woman to fix him” narrative is the kind of mentality that keeps women in domestic violence relationships. It is so harmful, and also serves to put down other women (I need to prove I’m different from other women, I understand him, I can change him, I will succeed where other women who were too shallow to understand his scars have failed, etc.). Seongyeom is far from a jerk male lead, but he still has emotional difficulties from his upbringing, primarily that he is inexpressive. Jerk male leads are also inexpressive about their emotions, and usually heap verbal abuse upon the female lead, but it is just brushed off as a “quirk” that the girl must put up with because she knows, ultimately, through his Grand Romantic Gestures, that he loves her. In Run On, his inexpressiveness is instead treated as a real problem that he must work through. He journals his feelings to work through them, and undergoes difficult discussions with Mijoo about his tendency to put up walls. It is shown as part of his growth, rather than something Mijoo must just accept.

Mijoo is key to Seongyeom’s healthy masculinity, because so much of toxic masculinity is based off of the female lead’s passive, objectified state. The toxic trope of Power Imbalance cannot work because Mijoo is a financially independent, career-driven adult. The One-sided Pursuit trope also cannot work because Mijoo is always willing to put in her share of the effort in the formation of their relationship. She meets him halfway, and maintains open communication of their problems so that there is no space for weird toxic male jealousy/noble idiocy tropes, etc.

As I’m writing this I realize maybe why I like Seongyeom so much is not just because of his healthy masculinity, i.e. healthy ways of being protective, strong, etc., but also because of how in touch he is with femininity, and vice versa with Mijoo both being a blend of masculine and feminine qualities. I really love this drama so much, and I can’t wait for the episodes to come <3

[zelskzerker]

Mangadex went down so I read alot 1/7

Lets review a bunch of isekai and related stuff I binged because mangadex went down. The scale will be a single thumbs up to a single thumbs down in terms of how much I would consider recommending it in general.

Legend

Chapters 1-51 Pretty straight forward in most aspects. For the best. Nothing crazy bad or good happening, making it surprisingly straight forward for an isekai. [Insert isekai startup here] but this time the MC is given a super magic body and the knowledge of ancient magic. Which he promptly uses to create a griffon buddy. Gets a THUMB IN THE UPPER CORNER for just being a nice, believable stay in a world, but I have read some stuff that really has interesting sparks the way this doesnt. MC is brutal at times and General Princess is cute. They make a good pair for each other.  Although there are no ecchi situations, that artist really knows how to slide in the lewds, whether its mid combat flourishes or pre chapter artwork.

The Black Create Summoner: Revolt of Reincarnated

All Chapters

Truly is revolting. A resounding THUMBS DOWN.  Apparently this was just an advertisement manga, which means that its intentionally incomplete and unsatisfying. Ontop of that, the sketchy artwork was generally rough and got worse to look at the more it went on. [Insert isekai startup here] but this time he has a grimoire that lets him summon stuff he draws. The power isn’t used that much though or in that creative of ways. Characters didn’t really leave an impact except maybe the elf little sister that is stubborn yet knows she is incompotent and recruits a dragon out of stubbornness. 

Minotaur’s Sweetheart

Chapters 1-16

So what if a minotaur accidentally seduced the adventurer that was assigned to kill him? This is a good romance manga deserving a THUMBS UP because the pure-hearted minotaur boy and the unmarriageable adventurer girl actually develop a relationship and progress as people. The manga is ultimately about monsters and humans interacting and is fresh due to having a plot that evolves the situation a lot beyond the initial setup of the manga.

Moon-led Journey Across Another World

Chapters 1-64

[Insert isekai startup here] but this time the god of the new world calls the MC ugly and banishes him to the edge of the world to die off. In order to help out the MC, the god of our world (Tsukuyomi) gives him a bit of power. The MC is funny to watch once you realize that he is an incredibly cautious pureboy and expecting every common street thug to potentially end him but in reality he is a god-rivaling cataclysm himself and never realizes. He is so powerful that he recruits the blue haired mist dragon, Tomoe, and accidentally turns her into a weeaboo. Tomoe can read minds and access pocket space with her mist ontop of her sick weeaboo katana skills. She really shines as the most mature person in the story, gaining information that no one else in the story has and carefully withholding it from the MC in order to protect his innocence. She is a DAMN good tomboyish waifu and sarashii is a blessing. Other main girl is yandere spider, Mio, which has shockingly good and well conveyed bouts of emotion. She has an extremely rare “can’t cook at all” joke that is explained due to her “eat literally anything” nature. In terms of plot, the MC hates the god of the world he is in and pretty much plans to do everything she doesn’t want him to. Which means mingling with humans, and eventually, god slaying/usurption. Odd think about this manga is that it’s heavily Japanese-inspired. That may sound odd because its a manga, but generally isekai are most medieval/western skinned than this one which leans in on Japanese mythos. Just look at the god of our world in the manga.

THUMBS UP.

The Unsuccessful yet Academically Unparalleled Sage ~A Cheating S-Rank Sorcerer's Post-Rebirth Adventurer Log~

Chapter 1-10 So lets set up this genre here. This is a part of the “reincarnation” genre, which is a spinoff of isekai. They generally depict a very capable mage who reincarnates themselves into the future of their own world. At which point they realize that although they were pretty strong in their day, they are now practically a god in the deteriorated modern day. This genre will hereby be indicated by [Insert reincarnation startup here]. For this manga in specific, [Insert isekai startup here] but this time the MC could only use lightning magic and was the best at it but failed the gene gacha then [Insert reincarnation startup here] and he fails gene gacha again but is still the walking thunder god. These kinds of manga are always precious when the MC can walk through the world and see the fruits of their past labor. Specifically through Merlin, the MC’s adopted demon daughter who has grown up to be his heritor and bridge human/demon relationships. Truly adorable and heart warming. Lacks a bit of spice from themeing or ongoing plot due to its short length however. THUMB IN THE UPPER CORNER.

Older Elite Knight is cute only in front of me

Chapters 1-17.1

THUMBS UP. This is an oneshota manga where shota is a chad with incredibly good tastes. A really good ecchi manga with a light hearted story featuring Haru(the shota) knight that joins Karen’s(the oneesan) knight crew. As with all good romance manga, the main plot isn’t romance. Knight shenanigins are always happening, with a big (and lewd) bad entering recently. Top tier variation on the lewds, even including a princess loli in on the fun. Must read for all oneshota fans.

Lonely Attack on A Different World

Chapter 1-91

[Insert isekai startup forma de classroom here] but this time the MC gets leftover garbage skills and has to learn to survive. Learning to survive thus makes him the most op and he can magic trick his way out of literally anything. Strong start as the whole classroom first tries to get their footing, but after the starting arc is done this manga starts spinning it’s wheels. The manga is kinda lacking in themes, overarching plot and end goals, so stuff just happens to make this a sort of slice of life trap room escape manga. Magic “just works” in this universe so its not very dramatic when the MC pulls out a new trick out of his bag of million tricks. Just kinda stagnates too much for my liking. THUMB IN THE BOTTOM CORNER.

The Unwanted Undead Adventurer

Chapters 1-34

Rentt Faina, the MC, is a good guy with no talent who aspires to be a legendary adventurer. But then he gets turned into a skeleton, giving the chance to evolve his way to greatness, kinda like in Spider isekai or Dragon isekai. The MC is most like Goblin Slayer in his serious and knowledgeable approach to the world, how characters that know him revere him. End goal so far is just him seeing how far he can evolve as he comes across other vampires and vampire hunters. Really want to see him go to the top. Fuckin great art. Girls drawn perfect. Like the hat on the guild girl, but nothing beats the witch Lorraine. THUMBS UP.

Teihen Ryoushu No Kanchigai Eiyuutan

Chapters 1-13

THUMB IN UPPER CORNER. Pretty funny comedy about a lord of a poor land who wants to be a stereotypical evil lord but can only use healing magic. Therefore he bumbles his way into accepting a heretical cult nun, beast men who hate humans, etc. All the girls are to crazy for him to want to sex them(weak. give the assassin nun your babies). Most interesting parts are aforementioned nun, his fujoshi assistant, and the MC’s willingness to use his power to commit heretical and immoral warcrimes. 

The Undead Lord of the Palace of Darkness

Chapters 1-11

Art average, don’t come to this one for spectacle. It’s strength is in the subertfuge that it’s recently-necromanced-back-to-life MC goes through to get his Master killed and to later, probably, evolve into a vampire. MC isn’t evil though, just wants to survive. Main girl on cover was born and raised to hunt vampires but has a compassionate heart. Obviously she goes easy on and relates to MC. Story is still kinda in it’s first arc so the overall trajectory of the story is a bit hard to gauge and not quite satisfying enough by its own right. Probably a thumb up with more chapters but for now THUMB IN THE UPPER CORNER.

The Reincarnated Inferior Magic Swordsman

Chapters 1-38

[Insert isekai startup here] but this time.... uh... THUMB SIDEWAYS. Usually I am patient, but 31 chapters with no goal and just barely plot? Wow. Saving grace is uh... I guess the world of “other isekai people existed but they sucked because they didn’t level uncap like MC” could go somewhere but. I take it back, lowering this one to a THUMB DOWN.

The Invincible Sage in the Second World.

Chapters 1-12

[Insert isekai startup here] but this time a pro mmo player in a game called “Broken Balance Online.” Guess what his class, the sage class, was considered in the game? Not far along enough to really pop off but it isn’t horrible. MC is moderately cautious to a healthy degree which is actually rare in most isekai. THUMB IN BOTTOM LEFT CORNER. 

The Dark Queen and I Strike Back

Chapters 1-29.5

Although technically an isekai, no isekai startup here. This a battle manga with a big mystery on the backdrop of a war. That is to say, the MC gets teleported to a world to kill the demons but he ends up defending them from the humans with all he’s got. Of special note is the complete seriousness of this manga that whiplashes into debauchery like tentacles, the above cover, oneshota, and even really dark jokes in some of the omake. That tonal lash effect will be either make or break, and it is a HUGE make for me. I love when a single piece can have both absolute serious scenes and utterly lighthearted and fluffy ones. Or in this case utterly lewd ones. May the average-human-amount-of-perverted MC one day slam some demon lord loli. THUMBS UP.

Chillin' in Another World with Level 2 Super Cheat Powers

Chapters 1-24

THUMB SIDEWAYS. Has the feeling of a nerfed slime isekai. Nerfed in all ways except romance. Art surprisingly good.

[prideandpen]

Can I please request the reading you are offering

Libra sun, Aries moon

Can I please know how my future spouse will be like

Thank you😊

First row. Light Seer’s Tarot 6 of Swords (R), Strength (R),8 of Pentacles (R), Ace of Swords (R) Second row. Rider-Waite Tarot: 3 if Pentacles, 6 of Cups (R), King of Pentacles Third row. Wisdom of the Oracle: Mending (R), Poised, All that Glitters Fourth row. Oracle of the 7 Energies Exposed and Revealed, A Grand Symphony Fifth row. Foxfire, The Kitsune Oracle: Hope, Beneath the Surface, The Garden of the Night

Hi kawaiimarshmallow! Here’s your reading for what your future spouse is like. The reading itself is kinda long so it’s below the cut.

In the Light Seer's tarot we start off with the 6 of Swords in reverse. Right away this tells me that we're looking at someone who struggles to accept other people's help. They have a very do-it-themselves type of personality. Now keep in mind that while they are your future spouse this could be their current energy and so it's entirely possible that this something they might grow out of, or something that through your relationship they might grow out of. However this could also just be something they'll always have to work on. With Strength reversed I think that despite their do-it-alone type personality they're probably someone who struggles to see their own value and doesn’t recognize their own strength, this energy in them comes from the 8 of Pentacles in reverse where they've likely been someone who has or has had trouble reaching their goals due to inexperience, lack of motivation, or lack of interest. The Ace of Swords reversed is where we start to expand on this because I'm seeing one of two possibilities here. Either your future spouse has tried to follow a path that was pre-determined for them (thus the lack of interest) and struggles or has struggled to accept that the path laidn out for them isn’t right and that they need to follow their own path. Or this is an explanation of why they have a hard time reaching their goals and tells us this person over analyzes themselves and their work. This person probably struggles with some sort of anxiety, adhd, or other mental health disorder (though please don't take this as a diagnosis or medical advice, it's not. Just the energy from the reading) and it affects their sense of self. There is the possibility that this card in reverse (paired with what we've looked at in the other cards so far) could be suggesting that your future spouse might be a part of the lgbtq+ community and has some challenges around accepting and embracing that.

With the Rider-Waite deck to clarify the Light Seer's deck we start with the 3 of Pentacles which tells me that although this person is someone who has a difficult time accepting help from others they're generous when it comes to offering help. I get the sense that they’re the type of person who will stop what they’re doing at the drop of a hat to help others whenever they can either with advice, working on something with someone, or financially.

The 6 of cups in reverse here makes me think of two things. One, this person is probably not someone who has already been in your life but someone new. And two, that this person has to work on forgiving themselves for the things they've struggled with. Be it work, hobbies, joy, their own identity, whatever. By working on forgiving themselves they'll reach a point where they can better maintain a healthy relationship with themselves, with their future spouse (that's you!), and with others.

The King of Pentacles here is a sign that something this person does not struggle with is their finances. This goes hand in hand with their generosity as I mentioned in the 3 of Pentacles. I get the sense that this person comes from a wealthy background, maybe not insanely wealthy, but their family has definitely been comfortable financially and that carries into their own life as an adult.

With Mending in reverse as our first of the Wisdom of the Oracle cards this repeats the theme of this person needing to forgive themselves for their past in order to have healthy relationships. Seeing as there are two people in the image of the card this could be something that either you encourage or inspire in them when you enter their life, or something that happens through the course of the natural ups and downs of your relationship with them.

In Poised I can see that through forgiving themselves, healing, and beginning to accept help offered to them as much as they offer it to others they'll begin to reach the best version of who they are. They'll start to be as confident as they pretend to be and that confidence and kindness will radiate from them. And I do think they're someone who appears to be more confident than they are. They wear a mask, often showing others what they think people want to see from them, hiding their struggles and their stress with a bit of charm, a bit of money, and a bit of kindness.

All that Glitters is another card that feels like it has a double meaning. First it's another card that suggests that this person comes from a well-off family background, and second it feels like it's confirming what I said about the previous card, and how their poise isn't as well balanced as it seems. Behind their charm and confident mask they're struggling too, they just don't want people to see it. This card could also suggest that while their family is well-off they might cut ties or be uncomfortable with their family money.

Exposed and Revealed, from the 7 Energies Oracle, is about mending that guilt and forgiving themselves - if, as I mentioned earlier, they are a part of the lgbtq+ communities this could be about them coming out, to you, to others, or in general and feeling the discomfort and relief that comes with that. If not, this could simply be about allowing you to see behind their mask and showing you their struggles. Ultimately it's about vulnerability, the kind that comes with either trust or necessity, and sometimes both.

It could also go along with the next card, A Grand Symphony, which brings me back to what I said earlier about how they've maybe tried to fit themselves into a pre-determined role that isnt right for them. I'm getting orchestral vibes from this card, particularly string instruments like the violin, so maybe your future spouse is a musician or involved with music in some way. This could also be another card about accepting help. In order to be a part of any type of team, including an orchestra, including a relationship, you have to be able to work with other people help them, and accept help in return. There has to be trust, and a willingness to allow others to see your struggles and a willingness to accept help in improving.

In the Foxfire Oracle we start with Hope. This card makes it abundantly clear to me that although your future spouse is someone who struggles initially, and maybe for awhile, with something as important as accepting help from others and letting people see beneath their mask they will let you in, in time. And not only that, but their struggles with finding their own way in life - be it with their identity, orientation, work, etc - are far from hopeless. They will find their way through to happiness, they'll find the things that really do glitter and enjoy that grand symphony of a life coming together beautifully.

Beneath the Surface is the first card here that makes me think that at first you might not be taken in by their charm and pretend confidence. You might not dislike them at first, but I feel like you wont be particularly fond of them. The word arrogant comes to mind. You might, at first, think them pretentious because of the confident way they act or even because of their money. You might even at first think it's their kindness that's fake and not their confidence. But once you get to know them you'll start to see what's beneath the surface; what's good, what's bad, and what's real.

The Garden of the Night repeats this, saying that what looks one way in one light might look another in a different light. Things, people, situations, challenges, are not always what they appear to be at first. Good things might not be so good. Things that bother you might come to delight you, challenges may actually be opportunities. One other thing I see in this card is a safe haven. A garden in the night, a refuge from the busy day to day life, some peace and quiet and a place to unwind. That's what your future spouse will be for you as time goes on and your relationship deepens, and what, in turn, I suspect you'll be for them.

To sum it up, your future spouse is someone who struggles to accept help from others, and to accept themselves, but they’re also someone who is kind and generous, and likely has an affinity for the arts. You might get off to a rocky start with them but in time you’ll be someone each other can lean and depend on, their vulnerability with you (and yours with them) will be an important factor in your relationship.

[bookloverfeministnerdthings]

Okay so I just finished re-reading the ACOTAR series (except a Court of Frost and Starlight) and there are sooo many things about this series that I absolutely love and now, of course, have to type here lest I annoy my friends by spamming them with my thoughts. 

(There are many spoilers below)

Feyre and Ryshand’s Relationship

I love their relationship for sooo many reasons, but mainly because it is a great depiction of a healthy relationship.Their relationship doesn’t take away from either of them as characters and also allows them opportunities to grow together as well as separately. Below is a summarised list of some of the reasons their relationship stood out to me.

They continue to function individually after becoming a couple: I hate books (and movies) where after getting together, the characters cease to function as individual beings. However, this is not the case with Feyre and Rhysand. They remain independent after getting together and frequently function independently of each other. Only a few days after Feyre is sworn in as High Lady, she goes off to the Spring Court to try and destroy it from the inside. And Rhysand goes off to prepare against Hybern back at the Night Court. Separately. And they continue to do things separately throughout the rest of the series. 

They don’t instantly become a couple; they’re friends first: Ugh, I have read too many books where there is an awkward practice fight-dance (I’m being serious) and then with almost no conversation the characters are miraculously together. Which is why it’s so refreshing to ready the flirty banter between Rhysand and Feyre as Feyre is questioning “are we just doing this to relieve some stress and tension and have fun or do I like Rhys but how can I tell how he feels about this?” I don’t know if I’m just sadistic but I love reading all the squirming and confusion and flirting as Feyre and Rhysand transition from being friends to a couple. And all this occurs after they’ve already developed a friendship and Feyre has left the Spring Court.

They view themselves as equals: Feyre is High Lady!! I absolutely love that Rhysand’s just like “No, I don’t care about tradition you’re gonna be High Lady”. I also love that Rhysand is always reminding Feyre that the Night Court is hers as well (even though I do find it sad that she is always referring to the court as “his” and stuff). Even at the end of ACOWAR Feyre asks “Is Amren still your second?” to which Rhysand replies “Our second”. I hate the sexism that still exists in their fantasy world leads to Feyre still sometimes deferring to Rhys about their court but I also love that Rhysand doesn’t just let it go and makes sure she realises that it is equally her court

Rhysand doesn’t try to force Feyre into a relationship even though he knows they are ‘mates’: Ok so on the other hand, he also hid and important fact about her and their relationship from Feyre but I think telling her would have been worse. It’s up for debate. But either way I think that that Rhys was ultimately trying to let Feyre be happy and make her own decisions even if that meant she married Tamlin. Rhys didn’t want to try and manipulate her to leave by telling her about the mating bond. There are definitely some dodgy aspects to all of it, for example, if Feyre didn’t know about the mating bond how could she have made a fully-informed decision about marrying Tamlin? Would she have left him sooner if she knew that he wasn’t her mate? Did Rhys inadvertently extend how long she stayed with Tamlin because she believed that the she and Tamlin would be mates? All of these questions are valid and raise interesting points but ultimately I think that Rhys didn’t want to try and force a relationship with Feyre or pressure her in any way.

There is more about their relationship and definitely more examples but I’m tired :/ I need to reserve my ranting energy for other subjects. 

Classism in the Series

So the classism in the series is less topical in ACOWAR because, you know, war is kinda at the forefront of everyone’s minds but in the earlier books the topic is raised a few times. The main classism in the series is the difference between the High Fae and the lesser faeries. Even the names illustrate the prejudice that lesser faeries may face. Tarquin and Feyre discuss breaking down the class sytem before she uhhh... robs him. Classism is interwoven in the series without affecting the plot and it ultimately adds to the world-building. The examples of classism add to the depth of the world. None of the classism really effects the main plot but it fleshes out the world and serves as a reminder of the classism present in our own society. Ultimately, although the classism isn’t explored fully and doesn’t affect the plot much I love that different issues can be explored sub-contextually via literature. 

Mor

Morrigan (Mor) is one of my favourite characters in the series. She has such an amazing background story. Honestly, such a role-model. 

During her childhood she was so powerful, more powerful than anyone else in her family but instead of being given opportunities to use of expand her strength she was just seen as a prize mare by her family. Her family was only focused on how they could use her strength to gain reputation and social standing by marrying her off to someone with influence. But instead of letting herself be used like a bargaining chip by her family, Mor makes her own choices that, although risky, give her some freedom. Instead of letting her virginity be sold to Eris, Mor chooses to lose it to her friend Cassian thus rendering her “spoiled” and useless to Eris, his family and Mor’s family. Mor’s family is so furious with her that they send her to the edge of the Autumn Court border (Eris’s court) with a note nailed to her stomach, telling Eris that Mor is his problem. Despite all this trauma, Mor endures and finds a crucial role in Rhysand’s court by overseeing both the Court of Dreams and the Court of Nightmares (where her family presides).

But another thing I love about the series is that Mor’s traumatic experiences don’t undermine Feyre’s own experience’s with Tamlin, or that of any other character. Neither is positioned to be viewed as “more traumatic” or “more important”; in fact, there is a huge emphasis placed on healing together and being able to understand what the other went through.   

There is sooo much more about Mor that is also exemplary (includingthe conversation between her and Feyre that reveals she prefers females over males) but I don’t have time to give it the attention she deserves.

Rhys

I just want to quickly highlight something about Rhys that stood out to me:

The sexual and emotional abuse he suffered from Amarantha: Different stories of abuse are interwoven throughout the series but I find it important that a male, main character is also shown as the victim of sexual and emotional abuse. It is also important that Rhys is extremely physically strong but was still subjected to sexual and emotional abuse because it highlights how men who have been abused aren’t necessarily physically or emotionally weak. This portrayal of a male victim of sexual abuse also diversifies the series without taking away or belittling the experiences of other characters.

Ok so there is so much more that I haven’t written about, mainly due to time but these are a few of the things that stood out to me.

[swansandslayers]

Some fantastic Newtina fics I recommend.

Putting this under read-more since this is gonna be a pretty long list. Some of the fics listed on this post can also be found in previous posts here and here but I thought I would a bigger post for anyone interested. 

Obviously there are a lot of fics out there that I haven’t comes across, so anyone wants to add their own favorite fics/writers, or just to add their own work to this list, feel free to do so. :) And I may make more of these in the future if I have the time/energy.

Hope you guys enjoy reading these as much as I have. :)

Unplanned Beginnings written by cutenewt. Newt has locked himself in the case and hasn’t left for three and a half days. Tina is worried sick and calls his brother for help. Neither of them could have predicted what happens next though.

A Photograph of A Scamander written by cutenewt. Tina’s photographs decorate her and Newt’s new flat. As she gets used to living in England, Tina finds that the Scamander reputation is an odd one. It does not help when Theseus invites himself over for supper one evening.

What Thunderbirds Do written by gnimmish. Newt knows more about the mating rituals of most of his creatures than he does those of actual human beings - though that may not be such a bad thing.

Little Things written by littlemsbookworm. When people ask her “What is it like being married to a famous magizoologist?” she always takes a long time to answer.

Rewrite The Stars  written by cutenewt. In which Newt cares for Tina… although she is most certain that this isn’t necessary.

An American Auror, a British Magizoologist and A Parisian Sewer Monster written by gnimmish. Theseus helps a certain American auror deliver a strange beast to his brother, encounters the distinct and horrifying possibility that his brother has somehow attracted a girlfriend. One shot. Also contains some Theta as well.

Maybe A Little Family written by returntosaturn. AU in which Credence lives and Newt cares for him. Tina visits, and thinks perhaps she could make the visit permanent.

Really As Wonderful As You Seem written by Bellarsam_Chrisjulittle. Tina Goldstein has been living in London with her newly married sister, Queenie, and her husband, Jacob Kowalski, for two months. Newt Scamander is living in London after his book was published five months ago. Both receive an invitation to attend the Midsummer Festival that the Ministry throws. Though both are reluctant, both attend...and their lives are changed forever.  Also contains some Theta and Jaqueenie as well.

Good things happen when you meet strangers written by HufflepuffleMarauder. When Tina and Leta first introduce each other their conversation causes them to reflect back on previous memories with a fresh eye. After all, good things happen when you meet strangers. Also contains some Theta and Jacqueenie as well.

the stars go waltzing written by weatheredlaw. Queenie smiles. “I am happy.” She supposes it’s good that only one Goldstein sister can read minds. Also contains some Jacqueenie as well.

In the Stacks written by Kemara. "Parabolas" - the expansion of this fic - is now in progress! Tina Goldstein's first semester of college isn't going all that well until she meets a fascinating exchange student in the library.

Parabolas written by Kemara. An expansion of "In The Stacks." Tina Goldstein's first semester of college isn't going all that well until she meets a fascinating exchange student in the library. Also contains some Jacqueenie and Theta.

with all the light written by abbyli. Weeks ago, the Minister had come to Theseus with a mission to gather up a team of Aurors to go to Russia and infiltrate an underground group of Grindelwald’s followers. Naturally, Tina had been at the top of the list of candidates. Also contains some Theta and Jacqueenie.

A foggy night in London written by ravenpuff1956. Tina has been informed by a contact, that instead of being in Paris, Credence and the circus are instead in England. Also contains some Jacqueenie.

history and context written by weatheredlaw. Every time he comes back, things get a little bit bigger, a little bit bolder, until it all threatens to spill over at once.

Just This written by gnimmish. Newt and Tina try and fail to get some rest in the aftermath of The Crimes of Grindelwald.

Beneath the Surface written by ArdeaJestin. Both for her and for himself, he has to proceed in gentle touches, observe what she responds to, and ultimately make her understand that seeking the warmth of another body isn’t selfish, just the most irrepressible act of nature there is.

Find Me Where the Wild Things Are written by sakurazawa. 1929, a year and a half after the disaster at Pére Lachaise, and Tina Goldstein is at the end of her options. Haunted by dreams of Queenie, missing Newt, she’s searching for any action that might make a difference. But MACUSA has withdrawn all forces from Europe and refused further involvement in the hunt for Grindelwald, stymying her attempts to find her sister.

One Thing I’m Sure About written by HarmonizingSunsets. A letter arrives for Newt and Tina from Grindelwald. Newt knows they have to face him, but is afraid that nothing will be the same for them after. Confronting him again means risking it all, including the relationship they now have. Tina reassures him.

A Selfish Wandering Tourist written by Eilwen. It's OK to be a little selfish. Newt wanders into a bakery, attends a book-signing, tends to his creatures and meets with Tina to discuss the future of their relationship over sandwiches. Also contains some Jacqueenie.

A Silhouette Against Blue Light written by Eilwen. Outtake from 'A Selfish Wandering Tourist'.

Give Me Shelter, Be My Escape written by Bellarsam_Chrisjulittle. After the traumatic events in Paris, Newt finds Tina at a very low point, trying to escape her guilt and worry. By remembering a kindness she had once done for him, he is able to return the favor - and erase all doubts from her mind about his feelings in the process.

What Tina Gives Newt written by Bellarsam_Chrisjulittle. Takes place right after Newt, Tina and Queenie have said goodbye to Jacob. Everyone is affected with exhaustion, grief and sadness over what has happened and what nearly happened over the past few days. But the healing begins when Tina shows Newt just how selfless and lovely of a giver she is.

As Long As You Follow written by returntosaturn. He draws his rough fingertips over her bare knuckles in a certain kind of wistfulness that makes her hearten but straighten. In a new, sudden wave of sobriety she can see that he is made for these landscapes. His bronze and green and goldenrod are complimentary to the spring palette of the mountains and the old city at its feet.  

We Stood Tall Together written by returntosaturn. He curses himself for allowing his stubborn, unbridled empathy to impede even his grief, the only element that still remains within his grasp.

If I Can't Give You Words written by returntosaturn. He find himself restless, not in want of breakfast, unable to leave her side for the beasts in his case lest she wake up and find herself alone. So he settles at the chair at his desk, faces the wall tacked with sketches, strips of notes and scrawled reminders of this footnote or that, and the black, shining, well-oiled typewriter and its keys like taunting jaws.

Something Just Like This written by njckle. A collection of newtina AUs.  

a moment of apricity written by njckle. Newt returns to school. Although, he's a few years too late and on the wrong continent.

Our Midnights written by hufflepuffsstrikesback (nadvaa). Tina earned a weekend off before she had to go back to MACUSA. After a night spent together, Newt asked her out on a vacation. Finally, they have a little private time to get to know each other and to explore what they've been ignored before.

The Feeling Eyes written by hufflepuffsstrikesback (nadvaa). Tina is an undergraduate student working on her dissertation. Newton Scamander is four years her senior and currently chasing his doctorate degree. She needs him for her dissertation, and he needs her for his upcoming project. After working with him for quite some time, she realizes that he actually fun to be around.

Yours written by gnimmish. Not long after the events of Fantastic Beasts, Tina receives a missive from a certain magizoologist. Everything about it confuses her.

Maybe a little... written by EpochApocrypha. It had been happening all her life, she was always showing up where she was least wanted. This time though, her heart paid a heavy price for such a hard lesson learned. A bit of Newtleta as well here.

This Strange World written by @turnerflowers. Newt and Tina Scamander had the ideal marriage to a stranger’s eye. They were both young, healthy, and shared the kind of love that some could only dream of.

Playing in the Snow written by @timeladyjodie​. The group of Newt, Tina, Jacob, Nagini, Theseus, and Kama had been at Hogwarts for a week after the incident at the amphitheater, planning and scheming for what they should do next.

Somebody Waits for Me written by LittleLonnie. Tina returned to America to continue her work for MACUSA. Surviving four years in a place now full of tainted memories and far away from loved ones. Until one day she is offered a chance to leave it all behind to continue her life in Europe where she left her heart.

a grand canyon in the corner of your bedroom written by fakelight. “I couldn’t wait,” he says, hesitantly, haltingly. “For it to be published. I couldn’t wait.”

Catharsis written by hidetheteaspoons. Following the events of that horrific night, Newt provides his companions with the comfort they need to begin the process of healing. During this time, Newt meets with Tina and confronts his feelings for her head-on, while Dumbledore prepares the group for the next phase of the war against Grindelwald.

Also recommend the works of @silvertonedwords, @albinokittens300, @katiehavok, and @ravens-and-writings. All have written a list of awesome fics to read.

[forbidd3nfruit]

Okay time to rant because I’m sad and don’t want to dump more miserable bullshit on my friends.

My boyfriend broke up with me a month and a half ago due to his own inability to coexist in a healthy relationship. At that point we hadn’t even seen each other since March because of covid, so our whole breakup had to happen over FaceTime – the second time we ever FaceTimed in the entirety of our 1+ year relationship! 🙃 Getting me through this quarantine was knowing I could see him again when it was all over...kiss him, cuddle him, hold him in my arms. Now I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I’ll soon be leaving the comfortable suburbs I spent the quarantine in to return back to my draining life in NYC. Prior to this relationship I spent several years in the city feeling lonely and worthless. All I wanted was love, and it felt like I got burned every time I tried to find it. I don’t know if it’s just the city or what, but I’ve had a long string of short term friendships and it feels like people just come and go. Admittedly I’ve been the one to walk away from friendships as well, but nonetheless I haven’t felt great security or found people I feel like I can really count on. It’s just been me vs. the world. I’m extremely protective of myself so perhaps this is understandable. I’m very discerning about who I allow in my life and who I am vulnerable with. This very much applies to intimacy and because of it, I didn’t have any sex from September 2016 to January 2019. And by no means am I on a spectrum of asexuality. I am very much a horny person! But I’m only really interested in sexual encounters that are fueled by passion and emotional intimacy.

I can be quite the romantic, and I do often daydream about my future partner, but I’m also level headed and logical. I sensed from the beginning with him that our relationship would last a while, though I never thought he was my soulmate or anything like that. It just felt so stable and secure. He was certainly the first person I dated that I felt I could really count on, and outside of romantic feelings, one of the few people in general I really clicked with. Funny enough I wasn’t that attracted to him at first, when he popped up on my Tinder, and I remember consciously deciding to swipe right because I had seen him on social media before and was curious what he’d be like. Flash forward to me falling in love with him. I digress! He wooed me in a fun way, and ending up being the first person I sent nudes to. He felt stable and reliable but at the same time had a naughty flair that made a good balance for me. However things started to subtly change within a relatively short period of time. In the first 4 months of our relationship, we had sex only 5 times and the nudes and sexts started to slowly disappear. I would ask him about it and he always brushed it off, either giving the excuse that his libido ebbs and flows, or later on claiming erectile dysfunction. At the same time, he had become my best friend and someone that I talked to daily. (Or maybe I should clarify and say *texted* because I was the only one in the relationship who initiated actual phone conversations.) I tried to bring up the lack of sex a number of times, sometimes somewhat jokingly, but still seriously, and nothing was changed. Just empty promises of going to a doctor or seeing a therapist, which never happened. (the latter has finally happened, only took the relationship ending 🙄)

I began to confide in a certain friend who I knew would have a good perspective on the situation. She encouraged me to have a serious conversation with him, which I ultimately put off for a long time, and essentially warned me that this relationship would end at some point or another. I knew it was true. But the day to day of our relationship was fun and made me really happy, waking up to his good morning GIFs, getting photos of his pets throughout the day, and generally just talking to each other about anything and everything we were doing. I knew it would be really fucking hard to lose that. As time went on things only got worse. The sex never returned, he wouldn’t fully address the issue, and things were generally getting imbalanced. We barely saw each other once a week. I felt like he didn’t want to make time for me in his life. I made advanced plans for him to meet my parents once which he bailed on because he isn’t willing or able to stand up to his asshole stepdad. Low key we were in a LDR being at opposite ends of the tristate area, which made things tough, and it was getting unfair when he would always ask me to come to him all the time and rarely ever stay a night with me. Which makes no fucking sense because he’s the one living at home with questionably toxic parents and I’m a free bitch in my own apartment!

It became clear that he was not capable of providing me what I needed. And I wasn’t even asking for a lot. He wasn’t capable of providing basic things required in a relationship. I started to get paranoid, and earlier this year when we were about to get out of his car I thought I saw Grindr on his phone out of the corner of my eye. I immediately texted the aforementioned friend about it and she reassured me it was probably something else. As was the case for most of our visits, I put away all my frustration so I could enjoy the very little time I actually got with him. I didn’t even think about it much after that, although if I recall a lot of my frustrations were put over the edge that same night after his mother came into his room at night when the two of us were in bed. Which for me is a serious violation of privacy. I am a grown ass adult and no one’s mother should be walking in on me at 2am when I’m half naked in bed with my boyfriend. (Something I later discussed with him, and he didn’t seem to have much of a problem with. He doesn't see her level of inappropriate behavior or manipulation.) This was days before the quarantine hit, and I had been procrastinating my big conversation, and decided to continue to do so as I felt it was important to have it face to face.

But then shit hit the fan. I was talking with my friend during the quarantine and she asked if he had used this opportunity to send sexy texts or anything like that. I literally laughed in her face lol. At that point it had been over a year since he sent anything like that, and almost a year since we last had sex. She told me that ever since I told her about the possible Grindr incident earlier in the year, she couldn’t stop thinking about it. That there was a chance he was unsure of how to conduct himself in a relationship (definitely true) and therefore possibly talking to other guys casually (questionable). She tried to set a trap but nothing came of it, then again we didn’t really let enough time go by because I was so intensely entrenched in anxiety that I knew my only option was to confront him. So I did, on FaceTime, and he denied it, but after multiple conversations he told me he had to end the relationship. I cried so hard the next day. We both agreed to maintain communication, as a means to retain normalcy in the midst of this pandemic. My anxiety was still running rampant and I was paranoid that he was a) already talking to other guys on Grindr, b) lied about not being on Grindr during the relationship, or both. So this time I went on Grindr to look for myself and sure enough there he was. I know 2 weeks had gone by since our actual breakup but it still fucking stung. This is the person who wouldn’t fuck me or send me a damn dick pic for the last year of our relationship. And 5 minutes after it ends he starts hoeing around again???

I’ve been in so much pain since. We had a face to face meeting which was mostly a success, because he was actually able to be emotionally vulnerable for once in his fucking life, but I’m still hurt. He apologized for everything but never really explained to me why his relationship with sex is so complicated. Then again I doubt even he understands it. My friend reassures me that ultimately, he will be the one suffering with his own inability to process his emotions, whereas I will heal and find love again because I am emotionally intelligent and available. But right now it feels like he’s resumed life as normal and I’m here depressed over seeing his tweets. I miss him so much but thinking about him talking to other guys even if casually still really hurts me. This is someone I placed so much trust in and looked to for security and stability and he couldn’t even meet me halfway. I have so much fucking love to give and I give it with the utmost dignity. If his best at a relationship was half-assing it, I wish he wouldn’t even have gone on Tinder in the first place.

But perhaps I screwed myself over here. I’ve allowed years of sexual frustration to pent up and allowed myself to be in a relationship with someone who was not good enough for me. And apparently I still don’t feel like I deserve better because I’m obsessively thinking about him.

[jess7avirtualjournal]

Class Project 3: Confession

Performing Today! 

Here is a picture of the letter I wrote and will be dropping off today: 

Here is the text:

Trevor,

This letter is a bit out of the blue. I want to admit that I am in part doing this for my last art class in college called Art and Life. We had to do any sort of confession piece and perform it over zoom (weird times)! Confessions are supposed to be real and make you feel vulnerable - writing this out definitely taps into that raw form of adrenaline . Dually, I am writing this to you as a thank you and in return to the letter you gave me years ago when we parted ways.

I was heartbroken for what felt like a long while after we broke up, and I was scared that in writing you this letter I would blur the lines and intentions behind it. I wrote multiple versions over the years but hesitated each time. One thing that has continuously crossed my mind over time through the loss of loved ones, and of loved ones loved ones, is that life is too short to regret not saying how you feel. So I’ll shoot my shot..

I know it has been around seven years since our relationship when we were around the great ages of seventeen and fourteen. We were really young, but I felt so sure of us then. Writing this might make me seem a bit crazy (aren't we all?) as it is both long overdue and potentially.. extremely outdated. I think that when you left, all the weight of losing my father and you multiplied. The absence of your sweet, grounded presence hit deeper than I expected in my first, fated heartbreak. I also want to sincerely apologize for my inability to maintain a healthy friendship after the fact - but I needed years to grow, to be stupid, and to find myself as an individual. (still workin on that, obviously)

After we broke up, I could count the amount of times we saw each other on one hand. We made a lot of cute n’ fun promises we subconsciously knew we could not keep in regards to the future. I have had rose-colored lenses on ever since and it took a while to recognize that. I put a tint of perfection on all of our wild little memories, blurring out any of the tainted ones. Ultimately, I had no doubt in my mind you were the most special first love there could be.

I have become more honest with time, but I cannot express enough the gratitude I have for you and the track you put me on during such a telling time in my life. My dad passing and the influences around me could have taken me down a whole different road, but you truly steered me towards my own unique journey. I could not be more happy with where I am headed in this beautiful life and I would not be who I am without all that you taught me. I hope you know I have always adored who you are and what you brought to my life, and the world. (If you don’t know, now you do..!) You are truly such a special human and it makes me happy to know you are living well and following your dreams. I am sorry for not sharing with you my timeless gratitude sooner - but you deserve to know how positively you impacted my life at such a young age.

On the little piece of precious brown parchment paper you wrote to me, you told me “in the next few years, you should find out more of who you are. Explore in music, food, arts, literature, and your overall sense of identity.”  I'm listening to Lauryn Hill as I write this, the CD you dropped off ‘The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill’ sits in the center console of my car alongside the many mixes Brett has made me. This album has become one of my all time favorites, along with Lauryn Hill, one of my favorite artists of all time.

Thank you for helping me to heal. Thank you for showing me how it feels to be loved and looked after. Thank you for the heartbreak. Thank you for making me feel so much at such a young age. To feel alive. Thank you for inspiring me to always push towards desired growth. Thank you for it all.

I will always hope for the absolute best, in health and happiness, for you and yours.

With tears of love,

Jess

04/29/20

I hope your sweet mother still lives where she used to..

On envelope:

His name

“Everyone has an idea of who they want you to be, only you know who you are”

(what he wrote on a letter to me when he left)

I will read it out loud over zoom to my class, then film myself going and dropping it off at his mothers house. (hopefully the connection works well, I practiced already and it worked well)

Self Assessment

I believe I deserve an A on this project as this was the most vulnerable project I came to after spending much time on other confessions (such as the social media confession project that I worked through for a long while). I knew deep in my soul that this is a confession I have been wanting to make for years, and this is a special push to make it happen although it is many years overdue. Writing it gave me a lot of nerves and adrenaline, and I know dropping it off live will enhance those feelings - this is such a raw and personal project and I feel proud that this class pushed me to make it happen - it feels like a true confession. 

My project is unsuccessful in that the class will not be able to see his reaction and response - however maybe I can keep you all posted on that aspect! Also, it might be unsuccessful in that the audience does not know more of the history of this relationship. I am excited to be critiqued today to find out where I could have improved.

My project is really successful, or it feels this way to me, because it takes me very far out of my comfort zone and forces me to confront something I swallowed and hid away for a long time.  This project allows the class to understand something really personal to me while also being something many people can relate to in terms of first loves, and see it happen LIVE! I think it is extremely exciting and I hope the class will be engaged and emotionally connected with me through this confession.

Note: This has not happened yet, so I think I will have further self assessment after the fact in terms of performance and critique by my fellow classmates.

[carnationbooks]

Fandom features: Author Wendy Qualls

To kick off a series of fandom-focused posts, we’re chatting with author Wendy Qualls (aka wendymarlowe on AO3) about fanfic, Johnlock, getting published, the intersection of fanfiction and original fiction, and a little dash of DragonCon! We so enjoyed learning a bit about Wendy’s fandom experience, and are so glad to share her insight with all of you! Don’t miss the amazing rec list she wrote for us after the jump (it’s so good). Thank you so much for talking with us, Wendy! 

Thanks so much for chatting with us! How can our readers find you?

I write fic as wendymarlowe (Marlowe being my middle name), but I write my original male/male romance under my real name, Wendy Qualls. (www.wendyqualls.com)

So what inspired you to start writing fic?

I write in the Sherlock fandom with brief forays into Harry Potter, but my first ever fandom was Dragon Age. I played Dragon Age: Origins and went through the love story with one of the characters and immediately thought "I want to experience exactly that again, but different" and I remembered something called fanfic my sister used to read so I looked some up. The one I found was awful, but then I found my way onto fanfiction.net and eventually onto AO3. The fics got better :-)

Now that you’re writing mostly in the Sherlock fandom, what about Johnlock is the most appealing to you?

Honestly? I love what fandom has done to the characters. The Sherlock and John on the show would both be horrible people to be in a relationship with, but the general fandom version sort of rounds the edges off a bit. Sherlock is abrasive but not cruel, John is competently BAMF without being violent and angry. The show has throwaway lines like how John “lost an entire Wednesday once” and I know Moftiss put it in there because they thought it was funny but SERIOUSLY? Drugging your flatmate is not okay! I’d much rather read (and write) about characters who are capable of healthy relationships :-)

What is your favorite thing you have written so far?

My most popular fic, and the one that was the most amazing to write, was Dear John (https://archiveofourown.org/works/2647979). Summary: "With Sherlock dead, John eventually (under duress) makes a profile on an online dating site. And falls into a long-distance relationship with an enigmatic partner who reminds him of Sherlock in all the right ways. (Hint: it turns out to be Sherlock.)" 

It was inspired by a friend trying a dating website and me realizing that sense of waiting for replies and not knowing when they're coming could be replicated by AO3's subscribe feature - I posted the fic in "real time." (As in, back and forth according to when the characters would have been writing each other). It had a pretty modest following at the beginning, but by the time John and Sherlock shared their first sexting right before Christmas it kind of blew up on Tumblr and the comments section started to be longer than the chapters :-P 

It was amazing to see a mini-fandom develop right there and see everyone debating what they thought John and Sherlock were up to that very minute. By the time the fic got to the big dramatic face-to-face meet, the comments/replies were coming in faster than I could read them! I'm told it's still fun to read now, all at once, but the shared waiting experience was something I wish I could replicate for another fic and I don't know that I ever could.

When I started submitting around to find a literary agent, the popularity of Dear John and my other AO3 fics was a strong point in my favor with the agent I ultimately signed with :-) There's a LOT of overlap between romance authors and fanfic authors, actually, even if not all of them are public about it.

Speaking of your work as a published author, do you have any words of wisdom for the fic authors out there who are hoping to get published one day?

Everyone—every published author ever—has a few manuscripts “under the bed” that just didn’t work. Often it’s because their writing needed to get stronger before publishing, sometimes it’s because they hit a crowded market exactly wrong or just never connected with the right editors/agents. Only around 10% of people who attempt to write their first novel make it to the end, and less than half of those get to the point they’re submitting it for professional consideration. 

The thing is, though, the only way to get better at writing is to write. I don’t care how many books and blogs you read about the craft (although those help too), you’re not going to get your book out there for money if you’re not willing to write something imperfect first.

Fanfic, I believe, is an amazing way to practice writing for low stakes. You get your pick of pre-developed characters and settings to choose from, there are no deadlines, and 99% of fanfic readers are supportive. AO3 says I’ve had 11,549 comments on my works - I think I’ve had only one or two readers who were critical. The rest are positive and make me excited to write for them. There is no doubt in my mind that fanfic has made me a better writer. Anyone who dreams of being published someday, my advice is this: write a book. Then write another. Write fanfic along the way and pick up people to cheer you on. The difference between published and unpublished is mostly luck, persistence, and confidence.

Do you ever get writer’s block? What do you do to combat it?

I do absolutely get writer's block, in big part because of my depression. (Depression sucks, btw.) Writing fic has made me comfortable having multiple works in progress at once, though, so often if I'm stuck on my "real" book I can write fic instead. I can't turn out fic as fast as I could before I started actually being published and having deadlines, but it's still a totally different feel writing for no stakes versus "how are my agent and editor and readers going to judge this?" Positive comments on AO3 pretty much balance out the negative energy in bad book reviews :-P

While we discussed this interview, you mentioned you’ll be in attendance at DragonCon this weekend. What are you most excited to do at con?

The panels and the people! There are several friends I only see at DragonCon, and it’s always fun to reconnect. The panels, though, are the heart of the convention. Science vs. Movies (10 PM Sunday in the Hilton Crystal ballroom) is always a highlight - it’s a panel of real, actual science experts forced to watch terrible Hollywood scenes and then argue why the scene was actually 100% scientifically plausible :-P Sometimes they break down and cry. It’s awesome.

You’re on some panels, right? When can folks catch those?

Friday at 10 PM: "BritTrack After Dark - British Fanfic/Slashfic Panel!" in Hilton Galleria 5 and Saturday at 10 PM: "We Do the Weird Stuff!: NC17 Fanfic" in Marriott M301

And finally, do you have any fic recs to share with our followers?

(Ed. Note: Y’ALL! Wendy wrote us an amazing rec list which is under the cut - Click for some Sherlock-y goodness!)

Favorite crack-premise-but-serious-fic: The Midas Touch (E) by flawedregina (https://archiveofourown.org/works/2479868) John Watson has a medical condition that means everyone he sleeps with is instantly healed of all illness and injury. This causes complications when Sherlock breaks his arm, and even more complications when Sherlock falls in love with him. Yes, this is a story where John has a literal magic healing cock. It's a lot less cracky than you're probably imagining. I love this for the "literal magical healing cock" premise, but it's also a beautiful look at ethics, personality, and the dynamics of sex. John is caught between feeling like he ethically HAS to use his rare gift because it saves people's lives and feeling the very human need for privacy and having control over his own life. Sherlock is a brat because he's always a brat but he GETS it and supports John and seriously, it's wonderful. 32K.

Favorite crack-premise-but-serious-fic without all the smut: A Magnificent Instrument (T) by mycapeisplaid (https://archiveofourown.org/works/7452193) A series of vignettes set in an AU in which Sherlock plays the tuba instead of the violin. This does have some brilliant takes on the idea (my favorite is Sherlock playing "oompah oompah" elephant steps in time with Mycroft leaving the flat) but it's also got an amazing connection between Sherlock and John. 6K.

Favorite fantasy AU: Here There Be Dragons (E) by Leloi (https://archiveofourown.org/works/786378) When Lord John of the Umberland Watsons volunteered to his lord father to deal with a dragon, this was not what he had in mind. Instead of using his sword and shield to deal a deadly blow he found himself trussed up like a festival goose sans armor and small clothes, naked as his birth day. This is sweet and hot at the same time and thanks to a certain Tolkien movie, we don't have to imagine very hard to envision Sherlock as a dragon :-D 8K.

Favorite short, kinky smut: Performance Art (E) by thisprettywren (https://archiveofourown.org/works/208374) “I have to say, John, I really just. Well. I can’t see the appeal.” That wasn’t precisely true, of course. At the moment, the appeal lay in the way John was blushing and licking his lip, avoiding Sherlock’s gaze, thoroughly discomfited. This one is so sexy and so Sherlock in how he thinks and gah, just read it! 6K. Favorite AU: The Bang and the Clatter (M) by earlgreytea68 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/744242) Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it's a baseball AU.   I learned a ton about baseball from this fic - it's very educational :-P It's also clear that earlgreytea is an AMAZING writer and a true baseball fan. 137K.

Favorite D/s verse: Shames and Praises (E) by s0mmerspr0ssen (https://archiveofourown.org/works/573019) Unable but desperate to find a dom who will put up with him, Sherlock swallows his pride and turns to Mycroft for help. Shortly after, John Watson steps into Sherlock's life.   Kinky as hell with a wonderful caring top!John. D/s done right. 52K.

Favorite Mystrade: The DI and the Spy (T) by chasingriver (https://archiveofourown.org/works/558609) Greg is an early-morning runner. Mycroft is an early riser who happens to live on Greg's running route. Hilarity ensues. Written for MystradeDoodles' prompt: "Greg is a runner. Rom-com." Exactly what it says on the package - a sweet rom-com story about how Mycroft and Lestrade get a crush on each other before even knowing who the other is. 44K.

[fume-knight-of-shovelry]

Artistic Licenses

A sequel to Inaccuracies and Lights, taking place after both of those stories. You can also find them and my Gency week prompts, as well as any other stories I write, on my Archive page.

-------------

“Angela, have you taken a look at this?” Genji entered Angela’s office without knocking, hands enclosed around thin sheet of paper. He’d elected to keep his mask off for today’s visit. Sighing, she looked up from her work and rested her head in her hands.

“Genji, I appreciate you seeing me so frequently on my off-hours. But would you please knock? One of these days, you’re going to catch me at a bad time.”

“Whatever do you mean, Angela?” Genji grinned. “I imagine that you’d be more concerned that someone might walk in on us.”

“Very funny, Genji.” She rolled her eyes and drummed the corner of her pen on the edge of her desk, raising a questioning eyebrow. “Well, what did you want to show me?”

“I apologize, Angela. I’ll be more mindful in the future. But here, take a look at this.” He shuffled the stack of paper in his hand across the surface of her work table towards her. “Something of Brigitte’s. I think she got it from Reinhardt when she was much younger, and she gave it to me after our last trip to Sweden, and I thought you’d enjoy it.”

 His girlfriend looked the book over, flipping from page to page, chewing on the tip of her pen. “Die Walküre? This is...very old. In fact, I believe that the inaugural performance of this was over two hundred years ago!” She looked back up at her boyfriend, beaming with gratitude. “Thank you, Genji! This is a recent script reproduction, but it is still a wonderful gift. What about it made you think of me?”

 Genji reached out a finger and flipped back to the cover, pointing to the title. “Walküre. German for ‘valkyrie’. I thought you’d find it fitting, given, well, you know.” He began to circle around to the back of the desk, resting a hand on her shoulder. “Is something wrong, Angela?”

 She shook her head and turned to let him plant a quick kiss on her lips, tilting her chin upward to better face him. “Nothing at all, Genji. I merely find the idea that these valkyries have any similarity to me a little...silly. Do not get me wrong, this is a fantastic opera, and my quibble is not meant to detract from the value of your gift.”

Now it was Genji’s turn to raise an eyebrow quizzically. “What do you mean, ‘these valkyries are not similar’? Can you be more specific, Angela?”

“I mean, Richard Wagner was a theatrical and musical genius, I’m not disputing that. That his plays have stayed relevant for so long is remarkable.”

“Angela. The valkyries?”

“Right, sorry. He was good, but he took some significant liberties from his source material. Torbjörn would be able to tell you more, or Brigitte.”

“I’m not asking them, I’m asking you  .”

“Genji, I need to get back to work.” Angela made a shooing motion with her right hand, brushing against Genji’s forearm. “Later, I promise. Okay?”

Genji sighed, but he couldn’t argue with that. “All right, Angela. One more, for the road?” He leaned down and puckered his lips, and felt her return the gesture. With a light smacking sound, they parted, and Genji left her to her work. He had enough to do between now and the end of Angela’s workday.

“So, you were going to elaborate on your point earlier.” Genji prodded. Rather literally: as Angela stood in their kitchen in the sink, he poked the back of her shoulder.

“Oh, right. My apologies.” Angela shook her hands dry from the dishes she’d be doing and turned, leaning against the edge of the countertop. “I was talking about valkyries, correct? Well, as far as I know, the original mythical valkyries were servants of Odin.”

“Who?”

“Ah, right, you wouldn’t be familiar with that.” Angela tilted her head towards the book Genji had brought her, now resting on their table. “He was a Scandinavian god of poetry, wisdom, war, kings, and hanging, among others. Not a nice god, from what we know, even if he ultimately tried to act in the world’s best interests.”

“How do you know so much about old belief systems?” Genji crossed his arms over his chest, the gesture coming across less as “frustrated” and more as “self-conscious”. “You’re making me self-conscious about what I don’t know.”

“Please, Genji, that was not my intention.” Angela reached out to run her fingers over her boyfriend’s forearm, smiling calmly. “And if it makes you feel better, I really don’t know that much. Just the bits that stick out to me as the most interesting.”

Genji winced. He hadn’t meant to whine, but clearly he’d sounded aggravated enough to merit comfort. “Apologies, Angela. What else did you have to share?”

“Well, valkyrie literally means ‘chooser of the slain’.” Angela hadn’t acknowledged his apology verbally, instead communicating her understanding with a light squeeze on his arm. He knew what she meant. “And rather than being the angel-like figures that they’re often depicted as, they could be...somewhat sinister.”

“How?”

“Well, their name isn’t a euphemism. They were literally choosing the slain: who lived, who died, who told their story. They could heal and act to save humans, but more often they might actually engineer the death of a particularly powerful combatant. The belief was that this was so that the bravest, strongest, most stalwart warriors would go to Valhalla to be at Odin’s disposal come Ragnarök, ‘the doom of the gods.’” Angela sighed and leaned into Genji, resting her chest against his shoulder. “In practice, though...not to be dismissive, but in reality this was probably an explanation for why many of the most valiant fighters died young, in their prime.”

Genji slipped one of his hands out from the fold in front of his chest and stroked the back of Angela’s neck, murmuring softly. “I suppose it’s easier to believe that everyone who perishes in battle does so at the will of a league of superwomen for some greater purpose , rather than due to chance or an uncaring world. If you find the appellation ‘valkyrie’ inaccurate, why not choose another?”

Angela leaned back, from Genji, resting one hand on his shoulder and the other on his arm. “Because our cultural consciousness has cemented valkyries as angelic figures. I’ve no illusions about the role the eventual Christianization of Scandinavia played in that a millenia ago.” Angela rolled her eyes, blowing a strand of hair out from her face. “Now, though, it’s another good way to market my technology, as cynical as that may sound. And it is not wholly inaccurate: the valkyries did supposedly have benevolent tendencies and healing powers, even if their primary function was to create and collect dead soldiers. Having an angelic-themed suit and naming it ‘valkyrie’ was too good to pass up.”

“Why not rebrand it as an ‘angelic’ suit, then? I know little of angels, but I’m sure you could find some way to incorporate their names into your suit’s name or branding.”

“Because, mein lieber, angels are even worse in that regard. At least the valkyries look like beautiful women. Angels in the Torah an be...very distressing in appearance.” Angela shuddered. “The hayyoth are essentially wheels with wings and eyes all over them, as are the ophanim. We hold the seraph to be winged snakes with human characteristics, although some view them as having human heads and six pairs of wings…”

“Enough!” Genji held Angela close, pressing his lips against the side of her throat. “You’re making them sound worse than some of the      yōkai     I’m familiar with, and given how bizarre      those    can get, that is quite an achievement.”

Angela patted the back of Genji’s shoulder, letting him lean into her. “Is my big, strong boyfriend scared of Jewish angels? Don’t worry, liebling. I’ll protect you.”

“Save me, Angela! You’re painting a vivid picture of angelic terror!” Genji cuddled his chin between her jaw and clavicle side of her jaw, then broke out into giggles, burying his face in her hair. “Sorry. I couldn’t keep a straight face. But yes, I understand. You’re willing to sacrifice a bit of accuracy for the sake of not driving your patients away in terror.”

“Very true, Genji. Although I won’t pretend it doesn’t bother me. And the caduceus staff and suit spinal design…” She scoffed. “Well, let’s just say that I felt rather silly when I remembered that the healing is represented by the Rod of Asclepius, not Hermes. Blame that on the United States and overworking myself as I was applying for the patent.” She grit her teeth audibly in frustration.

Hearing her aggravation, Genji couldn’t stop himself from bursting out into further laughter. Bracing a hand against the small of her back, the other on her shoulders, Genji lifted up and spun Angela in a poor imitation of a ballroom twirl, leaving him leaning against the kitchen counter with Angela on her tiptoes, resting against his chest. She whooped in surprise, hair mussed from the speed and slightly dizzy from Genji spinning her.

“What’s gotten into you, Genji?” Angela queried, blinking to stop the world around her from tilting. He’d flipped her with a bit more force than he’d probably intended, and now she was trying to keep her balance by resting on Genji’s body.

“Angela, I continue to be frustrated by how most ninja are portrayed. You have expressed displeasure with the inaccuracies your technology’s name and design has with respect to valkyries, angels, and healing symbols. Perhaps we are even more alike than we thought.”

“Are you suggesting that we bond over mutual irritation with inaccuracies?” Angela quirked an eyebrow, the world finally coming to a rest around her.

“No, I’m saying that we already are. There’s a key difference, Angela.” Genji didn’t give her a chance to respond, pulling her forward into another kiss, cradling her body against his. Angela started to speak around his lips, but thought better of it and sank into his embrace, wrapping her arms around his waist and neck.

Their relationship was healthy enough that they didn’t sustain it on petty spite. But it was a lot of fun to air their grievances together, however minor they might be.

[godsgotthis]

3 Myths about suicide you may have picked up along the way

Today is world suicide prevention day. I strongly believe that suicide prevention is possible and to be honest it’s one of the reasons why I write. I am by no means an expert on mental illness or suicide. I am speaking purely from a raw place of brokenness and pain. The reason I am addressing these myths today is I believe as a follower of Christ, the Church and Christians can do a better job at understanding suicide. All too often it’s “Christians” who say the wrong things and hurt people the most. Let’s break the stigma so that we can truly love and meet people where they are.

Myth #1: It’s the ultimate sin therefore when you die by suicide you do not go to heaven.

This is a common misbelief about suicide and it breaks my heart. I’ll be the first to admit prior to Andrew’s death I may have actually believed it to be true. I remember leaning over to my mother in law, Carol, in the hospital room as my husband lay there dying, whispering through my tears, “Will he go to heaven?” She quickly reassured me, as I am confident now: whether you are accepted into heaven or not has nothing to do with how you die. The only way we are accepted into heaven is through a personal relationship with Jesus. I believe with 100% of my soul that Andrew is in heaven. Andrew had a real, raw, authentic, and infectious relationship with Jesus. Thousands of people will be in heaven because of him. Andrew got sick, he was given a diagnosis, much like any other deadly diagnosis. His illness grew worse over time. This illness caused him to loose his ability to make wise decisions, to think clearly, and to properly articulate his feelings. If Andrew were sitting here today, healthy and strong, I am confident he would want a redo. He did not want to die. I can rest assured that he is no longer in pain, he is completely healed in heaven; a place more beautiful and wonderful than any human mind could ever comprehend.

Myth #2: The person who committed suicide must be a horrible human being.

“How could he do this to his family?” “Didn’t he know the amount of pain this would cause everyone?” “How could a pastor, a Godly man, do something so horrific?” The appropriate answer to all of these questions is: it wasn’t him. The Andrew we all knew and loved; the Andrew we saw on stage every Sunday; the Andrew who would hop on a skateboard and ride up and down the driveway with his boys: he would never do this! Not in his wildest dreams or nightmares! He was sick. His mind was overtaken by mental illness, spiritual warfare, and a series of unfortunate circumstances that caused him to lose control of his own thoughts and actions. I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around what that must have felt like. Imagine the torment and torture he must have been experiencing. Although there are moments where I feel angry at him, I can’t allow myself to stay there. The man that I loved and built a family with, the man that I looked up to in countless ways, the leader of our church and our family: he was an honorable man, and his death is tragic.

Myth #3 When you have faith in God you do not have suicidal thoughts

When sin entered the world we became broken people. No one is exempt from sin. No one is exempt from brokenness. Brokenness slapped me in the face a few weeks ago when suicide took the love of my life. If anyone had a strong relationship with God, it was him. He studied theology and dove deep into scripture week in and week out. He ran to God in his depression. He filled his alone time with worship music. He loved God and I believe that his faith really did help carry him through his darkest moments. However in most cases faith simply isn’t enough to heal depression. Depression is a disorder of the brain that is both biological and physiological. We need to help break this stigma of mental illness. Although prayer and spirituality may help, and God can do miracles, ultimately mental illness deserves to be treated just like every other illness.

I will never forget Andrew’s psychiatrist telling us, “we know a drop in the ocean of the brain.” Who are we to judge one single drop in a vast open sea? I believe God has not called us to judge mental illness or suicide, rather he has called us to love Him and love them, and he meant all of them! I hope the truth behind these three myths can help us to better: embrace, love, and comfort those who are facing the brokenness of depression and suicide and the survivors who were left behind.

If you are reading this today and you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or actions I am begging you to please tell someone! If you don’t have anyone to call, please call the national suicide prevention lifeline 1-800-273-8255. You were not designed to battle depression and mental illness alone. You need people and people need you! Your life is worth fighting for, your journey is not over, and the deep overwhelming pain you are feeling won’t last forever. Your life has a divine purpose and there are more people cheering you on than you could ever know. The world needs you, your family needs you, and your future needs you!

If you haven’t listened to this song yet, please read these lyrics, and then believe them with every fiber of your being. The song is titled, “Rescue,” by Lauren Daigle and it has been carrying me through my darkest hour and I believe it can help you too. God sees you, God hears you, God knows your darkest thoughts, and God’s Got This too!

You are not hidden

There's never been a moment

You were forgotten

You are not hopeless

Though you have been broken

Your innocence stolen

I hear you whisper underneath your breath

I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find You

In the middle of the darkest night

It's true, I will rescue you

There is no distance

That cannot be covered

Over and over

You're not defenseless

I'll be your shelter

I'll be your armor

I hear you whisper underneath Your breath

I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find You

In the middle of the darkest night

It's true, I will rescue you

I will never stop marching to reach you

In the middle of the hardest fight

It's true, I will rescue you

I hear the whisper underneath Your breath

I hear you whisper, you have nothing left

I will send out an army to find You

In the middle of the darkest night

It's true, I will rescue you

I will never stop marching to reach you

In the middle of the hardest fight

It's true, I will rescue you

Oh, I will rescue you

thanks for joining me on this journey,

Kayla

[fibrotears]

When Is Too Little Too Late?

    I’m not sure if we know that we know at the time that its too late.  It’s a scary thought to me at this moment, because I’m actually going through it. Somewhere deep down in your soul you probably do, it’s in there, the answer.  Under all those emotions, all those memories, all the hurt.  Figuring out when is too late or if its too late, now that’s another story, let me tell ya, LOL.  

    Your heart, that little son of a gun, LOL, it definitely, has a mind of its own. You have to be careful, I’m not saying you shouldn’t follow your heart, I’m just saying our hearts are fooled much easier than you think.  At least mine always was, LOL.  I had to start following my gut more and thinking more with my head once I let my heart get me in some deep shit, LMAO.

    I’m not sure if everyone reads these in order as I post but I’ve been going through some struggles.  My marriage has been shaky to say the least, and my husband after all these years decided again to try to be nice again.  Well his nice, yes this is an unfair statement, but this is my blog, LOL.  I’m just kidding!!  What I mean by his nice is simply that, sometimes he decides to be nice for while to get me to stay or to come back.  It’s not completely his fault, its behavior I helped him learn.  Unfortunately, that can bring us to where we are now, is it, ‘Too Little Too Late?’.  

    The hardest part about being hurt by someone you love and trust so much, is that you sometimes just keep letting it happen, and you keep forgiving it not even realizing the long-term damage its doing to your heart, your mind, your soul, just you’re very being.  Really it damages both parties in your relationship.  When there is this much emotion and this much hurt there is always damage, and if anyone tells you that both sides don’t get hurt they’re lying to you.

    That’s one of the things that makes this so hard.  When you love someone this much or have for so long so deeply, its hard to let go of that, especially if you feel like there’s hope.  When you’re a forgiving person who always wants to see the best in people, when you’re someone whom she believed in over half of her life, or when you just want to believe in happiness for once.  You want to just think that’s its all gonna work out. BE CAREFUL!!  That’s all I’m gonna say.  

    As I sit here typing, I’m in my head too much.  People sometimes you do need to get out of your heads sometimes, you can think too much, ya know?  The problem is that you have to decide if your doubts and now lack of trust are going to hurt your relationship.  Honestly without trust in your relationship its hard to have a relationship at all. I’m not just talking about the trust of infidelity, I’m saying trust with your heart again.  When you feel this broken and your trying to heal, and you realize how hurt and destroyed you both have gotten at this point, don’t you owe to both of you to make the right decision?  

    Make the right decision for you and for the other person, because neither one of you are healthy right now.  Neither one of you can make a level-headed decision, because you have been together so long maybe that’s all you want to see instead of the truth.  Maybe your truth isn’t so harsh, maybe you were smarter than me, maybe you didn’t let things get to a point where your heart crushed.

    My heart is crushed, my best friend hurt me, I don’t know how to come back from that. The worst part is I know he didn’t do it on purpose, I tried to stop it. I couldn’t stop it. I wanted to stop it. I wanted to fix this. Why couldn’t I fix this or at least change the course of action that it took before it got here.  The shoulda coulda woulda’s are gonna drive you crazy if you do this to yourself like I have done and probably will do for a while, LOL.      

    Just make a decision and do it as soon as you know and soon as you can TRY not to drag it out.  I didn’t take this long on purpose.  My mind was mangled from years of mental anguish and with my condition it took a little extra adjustment and help with my thoughts and therapy helped me make my final decision.  Ultimately, I should admit, my husbands’ actions through everything made my choices for me. Actions speak louder than words, although it was mostly his words that destroyed me, he used them in his actions frequently and continually to remind of how things were and how they would continue to be if I chose to stay in this marriage.  I think I needed to choose my life this time.