forbidd3nfruit

[forbidd3nfruit]

Okay time to rant because I’m sad and don’t want to dump more miserable bullshit on my friends.

My boyfriend broke up with me a month and a half ago due to his own inability to coexist in a healthy relationship. At that point we hadn’t even seen each other since March because of covid, so our whole breakup had to happen over FaceTime – the second time we ever FaceTimed in the entirety of our 1+ year relationship! 🙃 Getting me through this quarantine was knowing I could see him again when it was all over...kiss him, cuddle him, hold him in my arms. Now I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I’ll soon be leaving the comfortable suburbs I spent the quarantine in to return back to my draining life in NYC. Prior to this relationship I spent several years in the city feeling lonely and worthless. All I wanted was love, and it felt like I got burned every time I tried to find it. I don’t know if it’s just the city or what, but I’ve had a long string of short term friendships and it feels like people just come and go. Admittedly I’ve been the one to walk away from friendships as well, but nonetheless I haven’t felt great security or found people I feel like I can really count on. It’s just been me vs. the world. I’m extremely protective of myself so perhaps this is understandable. I’m very discerning about who I allow in my life and who I am vulnerable with. This very much applies to intimacy and because of it, I didn’t have any sex from September 2016 to January 2019. And by no means am I on a spectrum of asexuality. I am very much a horny person! But I’m only really interested in sexual encounters that are fueled by passion and emotional intimacy.

I can be quite the romantic, and I do often daydream about my future partner, but I’m also level headed and logical. I sensed from the beginning with him that our relationship would last a while, though I never thought he was my soulmate or anything like that. It just felt so stable and secure. He was certainly the first person I dated that I felt I could really count on, and outside of romantic feelings, one of the few people in general I really clicked with. Funny enough I wasn’t that attracted to him at first, when he popped up on my Tinder, and I remember consciously deciding to swipe right because I had seen him on social media before and was curious what he’d be like. Flash forward to me falling in love with him. I digress! He wooed me in a fun way, and ending up being the first person I sent nudes to. He felt stable and reliable but at the same time had a naughty flair that made a good balance for me. However things started to subtly change within a relatively short period of time. In the first 4 months of our relationship, we had sex only 5 times and the nudes and sexts started to slowly disappear. I would ask him about it and he always brushed it off, either giving the excuse that his libido ebbs and flows, or later on claiming erectile dysfunction. At the same time, he had become my best friend and someone that I talked to daily. (Or maybe I should clarify and say *texted* because I was the only one in the relationship who initiated actual phone conversations.) I tried to bring up the lack of sex a number of times, sometimes somewhat jokingly, but still seriously, and nothing was changed. Just empty promises of going to a doctor or seeing a therapist, which never happened. (the latter has finally happened, only took the relationship ending 🙄)

I began to confide in a certain friend who I knew would have a good perspective on the situation. She encouraged me to have a serious conversation with him, which I ultimately put off for a long time, and essentially warned me that this relationship would end at some point or another. I knew it was true. But the day to day of our relationship was fun and made me really happy, waking up to his good morning GIFs, getting photos of his pets throughout the day, and generally just talking to each other about anything and everything we were doing. I knew it would be really fucking hard to lose that. As time went on things only got worse. The sex never returned, he wouldn’t fully address the issue, and things were generally getting imbalanced. We barely saw each other once a week. I felt like he didn’t want to make time for me in his life. I made advanced plans for him to meet my parents once which he bailed on because he isn’t willing or able to stand up to his asshole stepdad. Low key we were in a LDR being at opposite ends of the tristate area, which made things tough, and it was getting unfair when he would always ask me to come to him all the time and rarely ever stay a night with me. Which makes no fucking sense because he’s the one living at home with questionably toxic parents and I’m a free bitch in my own apartment!

It became clear that he was not capable of providing me what I needed. And I wasn’t even asking for a lot. He wasn’t capable of providing basic things required in a relationship. I started to get paranoid, and earlier this year when we were about to get out of his car I thought I saw Grindr on his phone out of the corner of my eye. I immediately texted the aforementioned friend about it and she reassured me it was probably something else. As was the case for most of our visits, I put away all my frustration so I could enjoy the very little time I actually got with him. I didn’t even think about it much after that, although if I recall a lot of my frustrations were put over the edge that same night after his mother came into his room at night when the two of us were in bed. Which for me is a serious violation of privacy. I am a grown ass adult and no one’s mother should be walking in on me at 2am when I’m half naked in bed with my boyfriend. (Something I later discussed with him, and he didn’t seem to have much of a problem with. He doesn't see her level of inappropriate behavior or manipulation.) This was days before the quarantine hit, and I had been procrastinating my big conversation, and decided to continue to do so as I felt it was important to have it face to face.

But then shit hit the fan. I was talking with my friend during the quarantine and she asked if he had used this opportunity to send sexy texts or anything like that. I literally laughed in her face lol. At that point it had been over a year since he sent anything like that, and almost a year since we last had sex. She told me that ever since I told her about the possible Grindr incident earlier in the year, she couldn’t stop thinking about it. That there was a chance he was unsure of how to conduct himself in a relationship (definitely true) and therefore possibly talking to other guys casually (questionable). She tried to set a trap but nothing came of it, then again we didn’t really let enough time go by because I was so intensely entrenched in anxiety that I knew my only option was to confront him. So I did, on FaceTime, and he denied it, but after multiple conversations he told me he had to end the relationship. I cried so hard the next day. We both agreed to maintain communication, as a means to retain normalcy in the midst of this pandemic. My anxiety was still running rampant and I was paranoid that he was a) already talking to other guys on Grindr, b) lied about not being on Grindr during the relationship, or both. So this time I went on Grindr to look for myself and sure enough there he was. I know 2 weeks had gone by since our actual breakup but it still fucking stung. This is the person who wouldn’t fuck me or send me a damn dick pic for the last year of our relationship. And 5 minutes after it ends he starts hoeing around again???

I’ve been in so much pain since. We had a face to face meeting which was mostly a success, because he was actually able to be emotionally vulnerable for once in his fucking life, but I’m still hurt. He apologized for everything but never really explained to me why his relationship with sex is so complicated. Then again I doubt even he understands it. My friend reassures me that ultimately, he will be the one suffering with his own inability to process his emotions, whereas I will heal and find love again because I am emotionally intelligent and available. But right now it feels like he’s resumed life as normal and I’m here depressed over seeing his tweets. I miss him so much but thinking about him talking to other guys even if casually still really hurts me. This is someone I placed so much trust in and looked to for security and stability and he couldn’t even meet me halfway. I have so much fucking love to give and I give it with the utmost dignity. If his best at a relationship was half-assing it, I wish he wouldn’t even have gone on Tinder in the first place.

But perhaps I screwed myself over here. I’ve allowed years of sexual frustration to pent up and allowed myself to be in a relationship with someone who was not good enough for me. And apparently I still don’t feel like I deserve better because I’m obsessively thinking about him.

[forbidd3nfruit]

I’ve written so many songs, many of which are pretty good, but none with a narrative that I connect with intensely enough that I have impetus to finish the production and take it further. I wish I had trusted collaborators who could help me.

[forbidd3nfruit]

It’s been 21 summers

Waitin on a lover

[forbidd3nfruit]

Put my finger on the trigger, started shallow then went deeper

Hoping that I could deliver a man you desire

Put my hands up on the window, saw me, didn’t see my shadow

Toeing on the straight and narrow, Heart on the Wire

[forbidd3nfruit]

He loves his bottle, even when he’s broke

He loves his 35 millimeter and his faux fur coat

They say if you want love, you gotta go & grab it

But I think he loves me a little bit less than his bad habits.

[forbidd3nfruit]

My time is not now The work I’ve created so far is a testament to my potential and growth but is not the work that will break me to a big stage.

My time is not tomorrow There are many years of growth ahead of me, and while I am always proud of the work I’m creating I know that it will take time before I create a magnum opus.

My time will come I have known exactly who am I and what my purpose is since I can recall consciousness, and I have always believed in myself regardless of outside noise.

My time is coming I live in a state of constant creation and the quality of my work only improves. The only thing that stands between me and immaculate conception is time and space.

My time will be. I’d say that I don’t know when, how, what, where, who, or why, but on some level I am aware. I will have my time and it will have all of me.

[forbidd3nfruit]

first love

My first love has been on my mind lately. I think about them a lot but from time to time feelings of the past really come rushing back. I’m not still in love with them, but I do still have love for them. I’ve yet to have another person in my life that makes me feel the way they did, although I’ve constantly questioned if I feel that way only because they were my first. There’s no doubt that them being the first person I shared romantic feelings with impacts their importance in my life. More specifically, the fact that they were the first boy I had an intimate relationship with is largely why I still hold them in such regard. 

I know that they still have love for me but I question if my impact in their life has been anything like theirs in mine. Until the age of 18, I only had 2 close relationships with men, the first being a boy from kindergarten to second grade, and the second being my first relationship in high school. (Side note: first boy now identifies as gay, second as queer & non-binary.) Both relationships meant a great deal to me but were cut short, and therefore perpetuated my misconception that I was incapable of having a meaningful relationship with another male. I didn’t think that I could relate to most men, which may not completely false, so finding that rare diamond of a boy who meshed with me was pure heaven.

And I’m still chasing after that blissful feeling. A lot has changed, however. Two of my closest relationships now are with straight men. High school me is shook. Although these relationships are not sexual – and I do not want them to be – there is something fulfilling and validating about having male presence in my life. Still I search out a lover, a presence in my life that will be the same for me as my first best friend and first love. 

[forbidd3nfruit]

The difference

Between you

and me

Is Destiny

[forbidd3nfruit]

POP

‘POP’ is both overused and misused as a word describing music. And there seems to be an ongoing misconception that in order for a song to be POP it must sound like everything else on the hit parade. Like art, POP is whatever you can get away with, which I suppose renders my first statement irrelevant. But I have strong belief in the Potential Of Pop, that any song framed in the right context at the right time can be POP. It’s not about the sound; it’s not about how many people you reach; it’s about earworms, catchy hooks, powerful lyrics, modern production, and true passion behind the magic.

[forbidd3nfruit]

Provincetown

I was dating around, or at least trying to, and it was one bad experience after another. I was writing all about it – songs about being blown off, dumped, treated poorly, etc. I didn’t think it would be so hard to find someone who liked and respected me. Then for the first time the roles were reversed and I had to end things with someone. I realized that sometimes you have to break up for reasons that the other person will never completely understand, especially if you’ve only known each other a short time. Suddenly I empathized with those who had been in the same position with me, not because I came to understand their logic but because I realized I could never know all their reasons for breaking it off. And really, it’s irrelevant to me. It’s not even my business. I got sick of my own shit, listening to all the songs I had written out of hurt and pettiness. I wanted to write something above and beyond, looking at life big picture and transcending conflicts of the moment. After reflecting on this for almost a year, Provincetown happened. It was like a Wizard of Oz moment – everything I wanted had been inside me all along. I wrote the hook and wasn’t sure where the song was going, but then it hit me that it was time to finally make the record I knew, when I was 16, that I would eventually write. “Sometimes I like to get away, a town just off the bay” was the note I made in my phone 5 years ago while in Provincetown. It’s my most sacred place, the one place on this planet where everything makes sense. It’s been a yearly destination for almost all of the 21 summers of my life, a tradition I wish I could share with many others. What better way to do that than to immortalize it in a piece of music. The song is a love letter to Provincetown, a guide for my future love, and a letter of love to myself and all those who listen. 

[forbidd3nfruit]

I pray to Female Jesus / she told me yesterday / that when God made my fetus / She said “this one is gay!”

[forbidd3nfruit]

It won’t be long till he’s a Suit

Just yesterday, an unripe fruit

I made the man you see today

Sculpted him from clay

I made him Gay

[forbidd3nfruit]

Does a child’s love

Count as something real

When you only know

Only what you feel

Can I take it with me?

For the rest of time

A love at 17

That seems to have set the line

[forbidd3nfruit]

It’s not that I feel like I want to die, it’s more like I want to cease to exist

Sometimes (a lot of the time) I don’t want to participate in this world

I’d rather plug my brain into a separate consciousness 

[forbidd3nfruit]

My craving for sex is so intense but my introversion and need for emotional intimacy always dominates

[forbidd3nfruit]

The walls that I build in my mind aren’t real.

[forbidd3nfruit]

Straight Men

I’d never thought I’d start wanting to write about the str8s. Yet here I am. 

I’ve never really been attracted to straight men, aside from the odd fantasy here and there. Typical masculinity is a turn off to me and I’m much more attracted to queer types who have a penchant for the arts and a feminine air. This is exactly why I’ve been so confused. 

I keep encountering heterosexual men that exhibit the qualities I find attractive in gay men. A sense of style, an androgynous appearance, artistic inclinations, etc. I know they're straight and I accept it but part of me still feels some type of way. Indistinct feelings of envy, jealousy, disappointment, anger, sadness, low self esteem, I could go on... 

And so I ask myself, what is it that I want? What is it that’s leaving me feeling unsatisfied and disappointed? These men will never want me, just like I will never want a woman. 

I suppose my gender identity is an important piece of this puzzle. I’m a feminine being and have always felt that life would have made more sense if I was born female, however I don’t feel inclined to transition. Somewhere in my head I must be asking myself, why wouldn’t these straight men want me? I’m a pretty girl too!!