#although i suppose im also nervous that i would look kinda ugly?

[cult--of--hypnos]

I wouldn't want photos or videos taken of me during an intimate hypnotic scene. But I would like one exception to that rule, for just 3 photos.

1. A photo of me before the start of the scene. Awake and alert, no hypnosis or trance has been used. Yet.

2. A photo of me at my deepest point. Completely gone for the hypnotist, at my most suggestible and relaxed for them.

3. A photo of what the hypnotist would consider their favourite moment of the hypnotic session. It might be the moment where I realise that my resistance is futile. It might be the moment where I'm like putty in their hands, ready to be molded in whatever shape they desire. It might be right at the end of the scene, where I bask in their glory and whatever "gifts" they've left me with.

Three pictures is all I would need to see how good of a boy I can be.

[crittervolocity]

Psychological: Part 1

This is something that came to me and finally worked up the guts to write it. This is I guess a “self fic” … so I hope you enjoy. (fixed)

.

It started when I was 11, on the day my friend, my Best friend moved.

She had to leave because of her dad’s work, leaving me almost alone, except I did have my boyfriend.

A few days after she left I started to notice things, things that weren’t normal like items in my room that wasn’t there, nor did they belong to me … but seemed familiar in a way. Almost seemingly sentimental and nostalgic.

As I sat there and looked at the items and stared to ponder ...Why me, why did my only friend leave me…

“Well at least you still have love.”

…

I paused my thoughts.

That voice …. “W-who’s th-there?” I asked. The room was silent, making me uncomfortable. I quickly got up and walked into the bathroom and shuting the door with my back facing it and now staring at own reflection with terror.

I had just gotten tall enough to finally see myself on the mirror … being as short as I was.

But, that voice …. it sounded like mine, … I didn’t move my mouth though, but it sounded clear as day, it even had a little rasp to it.

I started thinking Maybe, it’s nothing. Just my imagination. Even though when I get up in the middle of the night, I see shadow figures at the end of the hall or in the corner my room.

The voice never said anything for a few months after that but, new things started to occur.

Night terrors was one of them, laying motionless, seeing your worst nightmare, not being able to run, choking on air because of the lump in your throat, … I could never sleep the same.

Another thing was, I was a jinx. Saying something and it happens, although I never believed it.

My sister and I shared a room, she was complaining about being ugly and no one liking her. “Well your prettier than me, … heck my boyfriend would dump me just to be with you.” I said jokingly just to cheer her up.

-

That Wednesday, I was with my boyfriend and he got me a purple teddy bear holding a pink heart that said “I ♡ You” on it. He usually never gave me gifts out of the 3 years we dated, except my birthday but something was up.

He had a look on his face, a look no one could forget.

He sighed … “Critter … I want to tell you something.”

“Yeah?”

“Look, I’m not sure if I can be with you anymore.”

My face went from glowing red to confusion.

“W-what do you mean?”

“It’s over. … It’s not you it’s me, and besides I only get to see you only 2 days out of week.”

I tried to not cry in front of him, and also not slap him because I knew it was more than that.

“O-ok … I … umm … never mind.”

He walked away with a look as if a burden was lift off of him.

I was trying to process this and keep myself from crying until I was home. Looking down at the teddy bear in my hands, I squeezed it for a hug.

-

“I jinxed myself … I did it to my self.” I said with my face muzzled into the purple bears head. Now sitting on my bed and tears running down my face.

I lifted my face from the bear, wiping the tears away seeing the pink heart it was holding. “I ♡ you, … more like you hate me.” The longer I thought about it the more I started the despise the color pink.

I got up, went into the kitchen and grabed a knife from the silverware drawer and dashed back into my room before my mom could spot me.

Holding the knife in my hand quickly snatched the teddy bear and effortlessly cut the heart from it’s grasp. After doing this, I took the pink heart and went outside and buried it in the ashes inside our burn barrel that we use discard the burnable junk.

Clap …. clap … clap … “Bravo, you did an excellent job of getting rid of it. Now time to burn it.”

I turned around swiftly and saw a girl floating there. Looking at her though didn’t startle me as compared to when she first spoke.

“Are you really just gonna stand there and stare at me … or are you gonna light the fire?”

I continued to stare because it was like looking into a mirror, a mirror into the future. A few differences I spoted was her irises are white instead of brown/gold like mine, her hair was curly as well while mine was straight.

“Hello? … Earth to Critter.” Waving her hand in front of my eyes.

“Yeah … sorry but .. can you ..”

“Question later, fire first.”

“Oh, … right.”

I almost started to hesitate on striking the match, looking over to see her leaning in and whispered into my ear.

“It’s ok if you feel nervous, it’s completely natural.”

Her saying that gave me a sudden boost in confidence, so striked the match and watched it light the pile with a big Woof.

We both just stood there and watched it burn down to burning embers, leaving smoke trailing from what was left.

“So … you wanted to ask me something.”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Ok, shoot.”

“Are … you me … but from the future?”

“No … Well kinda but, not entirely. Is that all?”

“Uhh … no. Why are you here and did you try to speak with me before, right?”

“Yes to the second part but the first one is gonna take a lot of explaining and I don’t think you have the time for that.”

I sat on the ground with my back to the warmth of the embers.

“I’m listening.”

She rolled her eyes “Great ….. you know what, now im not gonna expain it until your older because it’s very complicated.”

“Oh come on please.” Now on my knees begging.

“No …. as I said you will learn when your older and hopefully wiser with your choises.” She sighed and said under her breath “This is why I don’t like kids.”

“Ok … fine … I guess I’ll wait.”

-

As for that day, we never interacted much for the next few years. The only time she seemed to come around was when I was stressed or depressed, once in a blue moon so it seemed.

During this the night terrors ceased and was replaced with sleep insomnia instead. I was no longer a jinx but a train wreck waitng to happen. Everyday it seemed I get physically, mentally, and/or emotionally hurt or scared for life.

-

I was out and about walking on the street, about 5 years since the day I first meet her, still didn’t know her name, even though she seemed to like it that way.

Usually I never walked alone, but with all the family issues going on I had to ecsape. So you could say I ran away, wouldn’t most people.

The sun slowly sets, leaving the street lights that are gaping apart as far as they could be to be my only source of light, other than the cars and semi’s passing by without a care in the world.

“What are u doing?”

I shruged and made the idk sound with my mouth shut, knowing it would tick her off.

“I don’t know is not an answer. So I’m going to ask again. What are you doing?”

“Walking, it’s kinda obvious.”

“Ya, I know that but walking away for your problems won’t solve them.”

“I know and I don’t care. It’s not like I have a choise to not be apart of it, besides you of all people know I hate drama and yelling over stupid stuff.”

She stoped following and looked at her right hand in horror, quickly clinching it to a fist.

She sighed …“Look there are big consequences for your actions, … whether it affects you now or later on.”

“Ya, I know, haven’t they always.”

“Yes, but this one won’t just affect you, it will affect everyone around you, … including me.”

“Then leave if I’m that much of a burden to you. It’s not like you help me anyway.”

“Exuse me? Maybe because your suppose to talk to people like, Your Family and Your Friends, Not Me!”

“Well you just show up, Heck no one else can even see you and you are me so you’re the perfect candidate.”

“Ok you do have a point but im not gonna tolerate this anymore. Sigh You’re on your own, and I bet you my point will be proven tonight.” Evaporating into a mist while backing away.

I still continue to walk but her words kept rattling in my head. “…this one won’t just affect you, it will affect everyone around you, including me.”

I stopped with my back facing to the light from a street light with my feet on the outskirts of said light. I shoke my head with my now curly and colored bangs in front of my face.

“Should I go back … should I continue …” I kept thinking of those words she said.

“I guess I should go back home. …. Now that i think more about it, what did she mean by ”… my point will be proven tonight.“ She was probably just joking.”

I shruged the thought off and spun around on my heel, to come face to face with a man with a ski mask on.

My first reaction I had was that I was getting mugged, so my “Fight or Flight” instinct kicked in and immediately socked him in the face.

He stumbled back a few steps holding his jaw then looking up and glares.

With no hesitation I booked it in the opposite direction even though I was a sprinter, not a marathoner but I still ran hearing him chasing me.

“Why is he so persistent?!” I asked myself, “Muggers usually just want the money and don’t chase for it, they hide in the shadows.”

As I continued to run with the adrenaline being the only fuel keeping me from collapsing on to the ground, I turned into an alley to hide and give my legs a break.

Bending over with my hands on my knees trying to catch my breath, I was winded, the last time I ran like that was when I was in elementary school with my best friend. Being home schooled does have it disadvantages.

I straightened up and popped my neck and stretching my arms out, “I think I lost him, well time t-” My mouth being covered was the last thing I felt before blacking out.

-

When I awoke, I attempted to move but couldn’t, now feeling the rope that held me in the chair. I was trying to stay calm as possible, maybe see if I could find or talk my way out.

He walked out holding a black leather bag with a look as if he were going to enjoy my last moments.

“Well, it’s about time you awakened. ….”

-

(Yee, part one is done and so happy, part 2 will be out soon and special thx to @firstaidquarters for helping me with some of the arrangements.)

[emanresusi-blog]

Musings of schizotypals Pt. 1

L.G. - I have a sucky sensation inside. Now that I might break up (for my own mental health) with my boyfriend, I have a sucky realization. I have no friends. I have pushed people for years, stablished unhealthy relationships for years. Now everyone is gone, and I cannot retake relationships that I pushed away years ago. I feel lonely. C.B. - Maybe my impulses to criticize others are a way to avoid criticizing myself. I find myself wanting to tell people that no one cares about their stupid lives but now I realize that's just one of the negative things I used to tell myself. I stopped the stream of negative thoughts about myself. But the thoughts are still there, just waiting to be applied to something. I need to channel this inner critic into something more productive. I know it is a facet of who I am, just one that I misuse a lot. It must be able to do some good somewhere. Constructive criticism about myself and my behavior perhaps. I should meditate on this. I'm feeling good but strangely devoid of emotion simultaneously. Like, my outlook on life is a generally optimistic one at the moment even though I'm not specifically happy about anything. I told my friend that I felt like something more was developing in my mind towards her and she wasn't scared off, so maybe that's why I feel optimistic. At the same time, I feel oddly suspicious and paranoid about her as well. Suspicious of her motives in continuing to talk to me after I told her how I felt, and paranoid for her safety at times (she's blind and also the tiniest little bit naïve, in my opinion). Extending my locus of emotional openness doesn't come easily to me. I really bond with other people to the point that I feel a bit like I'm losing myself. I don't like that feeling, but I love bonding with individuals at the same time. I suppose I'm just a bundle of contradictory neurons wrapped in a skull lol A.C. - So I'm sat in my porch locked out bags packed after another of my alcohol induced binge dissapearing acts I know "only Self to blame" I was only out drinking and chatting nothing bad, but I guess I am selfish, selfishly anaware and selfishly inconsiderate with what I don't think through or when I act rash. Slowly I've become more of a loner and made a habit of losing things family, friends umm jobs, it doesn't feel normal or nice that I might just be a procrastinative, selfish/absorbed individual who can't really get any sort of balance in personal life. I care about making amends and living a normal family life it's just... I don't know. Everyone blames me and punishes me, I don't want a scapegoat for my mistakes but it's very confusing I think if I didn't do what I did I'd damage my self by suppressing it all inside would be worse that's not a justification just a thought. Maybe leading a stable life, to work full time, three kids and relationship is too much. S.C - I suffer from depression and anxiety...I feel sometimes that im different of others because i think i have a few particularities(including that i have only two friends).I often try to explain to some that i can catch thoughts & feelings from people that i know...In fact,from complete stangers too ...I just thought if someone here could uderstand me? And I would like to add that is it okay not to fear of losing my few friends?I am 14 and feel like a misfit..I can't recognize what i am and don't remember who i used to be. R.R. - I have a weird feeling that I'm gonna die soon. Lol. Awkward. 2 near death experiences for me and 1 for my mom. Meh. Now I'm walking around every day with intense anxiety, waiting for an accident to happen. 😢 C.S. - I'm not doing well. I'm emotional... I cried for like half an hour today and I usually don't cry. But I've been sick over something I can't talk about. Very paranoid and scared. Such ugly ruminating thoughts. Barely slept last night and I have such a headache but my mind won't shut off. For the first time in years I feel like punching myself in the head. I've been taking my pills regularly. I see the shrink on Thursday. Which means I have to get through two days of work... I've been mildly sick with a cold for the last week. Oh help! I just want to feel better. A.M. - Today I keep seeing characters from TV shows as people in public spaces (anyone else experienced this?) and there was a shadow man in my lounge. It's odd and not making me paranoid which is also odd. Usually when freaky brain shit happens paranoia activates. Side note; Who the hell puts dried apricot in a hot cross bun!? C.B. - Sometimes I have this urge to be rude to people I don't like. Or that I decide are, as narcissistic as this sounds, beneath me morally or intellectually. It makes me very nervous to confront people but sometimes I do it out of impulse. Like I have this parallel line of thinking that just criticizes the hell out of everything I see. I let it build up and then let it out when I reach a certain level of resentment at the world. Afterwords I feel no better. But it's like I have this good side and this bad side to me. The bad side is the worst me I can imagine: lazy, thoughtless, critical, apathetic, and cruel. The good side is the best me I can imagine: empathetic, supportive, passive, thoughtful. I realize that I internalize these values from my primary caregivers growing up, my mother and first stepfather. I can't see the value in my stepfather very well. Jung had this idea of the Anima and the Animus. One male and the other female. I've always identified my values with the feminine due to the fact that the only support I ever got growing up was from women. I never understood men. I never understood women either for that matter. But they were the people I tried to emulate growing up. I couldn't stand the thought of being like my stepfather or boys my age until I became a teenager. Then I copied my stepfather and began to hate a lot. To be cruel a lot. Because that's all I saw in him. These impulses must be that old behavior rearing it's head. I've always wanted to be my own person but I've never quite known how. L. G. - Okay so I am going to lay one of my biggest problems right now and see if you can help me even if it's just a Little bit because I have no clue :( I finished university last year. Everything fine. My father came to my room and asked me, "what do you want to do next year? you have to think it NOW" and clearly wanted me, pushed me to do oposiciones (this is how we call the process of studying to get a job in the public system). I did the course for oposiciones. I HATED IT. God damn how boring, bland, deadly! I cannot even study for it or understand what they do. But my parents are 100% into it and they don't even contemplate me leaving them. I have to act like I study on days like those because they are so into this, specially my father, who sees working in the public system as my only chance in life because I am schizotypal. You can ask me questions, I will answer if it hasn't been understood. Thanks for the help :) L.G. - This is a bit of a hard to ask question but I will ask anyway...do you have problems maintaining your personal care, etc...? Sometimes I do and my family makes shame of me :( although i think really I'm not that much of a disaster. I mean, now I take care of myself, it's not like when I was really bad where I wouldn't take proper care of myself. L. G. - Do you ever feel like you've got too much contained in your chest and feel like telling anyone about it? Like you had an urge to tell what's ailing you? I've got Friends to talk with but I have too much in my chest and everyone looks like a friend to me now... S.S. - Two things I learnt about myself recently 1 - I will never be able to do a 9-5 job. Because I am too impatient and get angry when someone tells me what to do. Also overthink everything and get bored with routine. The only thing I can do is my own boss and work from home alone.I need to be in control. 2 - I can't ever picture myself in a relationship. I recently met a woman a bit older than myself but we share lots of interests and get on well. But I'm beginning to feel smothered and under pressure to behave a certain way. I just want to be a free individual with no responsibilities. I wasn't born to be a pack animal, but to give others as much freedom as possible and for them to not bug me in return. C.B. - Anyone else feel really anxious when they talk to other people about personal issues? It makes therapy very difficult for me. I'm too nervous around my therapist to open up to him, to really talk about the issues I have. I always just spend the time in my "therapy mode" (where I act pleasant and nice and talk about minor issues to avoid the larger ones). I don't feel like anybody can really help me with some things, and that I would just be making whoever I was talking to feel bad. I want to be able to talk about my motivations, my relationships, my feelings but they make me feel pathetic. Sometimes I feel like less than a person, like I'm really just wearing a mask when I behave as a normal human does. Trouble is I don't know for sure who or what is under that mask. D.S. - Had an irrational mental breakdown in public again one of those crying and screaming in equal parts of anger, frustration and sadness... why am I so easily overwhelmed sometimes.. plus I look kinda scary afterwards.. the neighbors already peg me for weird as it is... all emotionally shutdown and stuff only secs later.. I dont know its always like that.. overemotional first and a few seconds later back to the void.. im done. Im turning 23 tomorrow and I just wish I could skip to my funeral instead.. yeah.. one of those days.. A.M. - Does anybody else wander through life aimlessly? Never really finishing things they embark on, barely following their interests and feeling as though they're waiting for something to shake enough life into them to align them with the dimension that is reality... Being a drifting alien is really getting to me lately, I didn't realise how meaningless I find everything or how far I have drifted from society. I am not referring to deppression btw. P.A. - There’s something that’s killing me inside and I would really appreciate getting it out in a post. I really hope I don’t sound like a total bitch. It’s to do with abandonment, which I hope some people here will understand. I feel so abandoned by my counsellor. It’s the closest relationship I have. I sent her a text a few weeks ago saying I was sad and I never heard back. It has been my psych ward “anniversary” and I thought she’d message me to ask how I am but no nothing. Now she’s just become a grandmother... I know because I’m friends with her son. They are all super excited and spending lots of time together. He is sending me photos of the new baby but it’s just making me even more upset. Why can’t I just be happy for them? I feel so bad and self-centred for feeling this way. I know this little girl will be spoilt rotten with love and I’m jealous, there’s no other word for it. I suspect this is triggering an ancient wound in me, a hole that I’ve never managed to fill. My friend wants to see me tonight but I’m just too upset to see him and I can’t explain to him why *hides under table* C.B. - Sometimes I feel like I am more comfortable being depressed than I am being happy. Being sad feels, I don't know, solid, constant, whereas happiness is a fleeting and ephemeral feeling. Because of this, I got used to lying to myself to make myself more depressed. Don't know if that makes any sense, but I used to love laying in bed and thinking terrible things about myself until I cried my eyes out. I guess I craved that sense of catharsis. These days, I realize that this isn't a healthy way of coping, but I still crave the cathartic feeling I used to get by working myself into a terrible place. I think maybe I crave intense release of emotion because I have a hard time letting go of emotions in the moment and I kind of bottle them up. I still crave that. It's odd, I suppose I'm working to integrate the disparate parts of my personality into a functioning whole. It's like the emotional part of me exists kind of parallel to the rest, separate but connected in form if not function. A.C. - I guess if you can't do anything consistently but your capable of being extremely creative which many are here. Your purpose in life is to create a masterpiece not stand in line and fit the system. S.S. - Got told I'm too much of a negative person earlier and that I should keep all my thoughts secret. But the truth is I only say about 10% of what's actually on my mind. I'm too truthful about my flaws. The last thing I wanna be is a fake who brags. I can't help who I am.