#also. i have severe anxiety. it is highly likely this is just a cyst or something and im simply having a Moment.

[vanillabat99]

I booked an appointment with my doctor for early April!! I highly doubt the bump will go away by then, as it has been there for a couple months. If anything it seems to be getting worse ._.

There's nothing on the surface of my skin where it is, it's not in a spot that would make sense to me for a muscle injury, it's firm, and it's painful. I have no idea what could've caused it. I need to get some sleep before I start panicking over "what if" scenarios... I really hope it's nothing serious :(

[iglooface]

My whole school career, despite how short it may be thus far, I have always been complimented and received positive remarks about how smart I was and how talented I was. They all find it strange that these are not traits I am proud of.

I grew up with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. My three original traits that have come to rule my life. I inherited mild depression from my mother, and anxiety and insomnia from my father. In all of my years in school except for the last I have been bullied mercilessly for everything about my being. It would vary from my hair, my style of clothing, my physical being, calling me ugly, exclusion, death threats, abandonment, being called names and excessively pointing out my mistakes (surprise! I'm human unlike most bastards I meet). I also had chronic nose bleeds, so from the beginning everyone was always grossed out by me for bleeding from my face nearly every day (most of my clothes are stained with my own blood because of this and I'm honestly too broke to afford new clothes very often). Even teachers and my own parents would put me down for nearly everything I did for one reason or the other; nothing I ever did was right. And to add more I'm often put after my sisters' needs and wants. I've never been prioritized.

I was, and still am, a sickly child. I've technically had my heart stopped and been dead twice before and I had a handful of major surgeries before my sophmore year in highschool. My doctors don't ever listen to me and they think I'm dramatic when I bring up actual chronic symptoms I suffer from.

As a child, we moved around a lot and so I switched schools often and was never able to make or keep friends. I come from a long line of verbally and emotionally abusive teachers who went on without consequence whilst I get in trouble for trying to fix myself. In grade school alone I had all but two of my teachers quit their jobs and/or be replaced after that year, if not during the middle.

Children are highly impressionable, and so these kinds of events did lead up to me thinking it was somehow my fault. Logically I know this not to be true, but impressions and mental illnesses are not logical.

In seventh grade alone, I had gone through 12 different prescriptions for pain and different types of birth control to regulate my period and my chronic cramps. It's highly likely that I had, and still have, endometriosis, yet my doctors are always reluctant to perform any blood tests on me simply because I am young, as if being young makes it entirely impossible for me to have health issues.

My periods were unstable to a point that I'd end up having one for thirteen days, or months apart. Given, young girls with periods often experience irregular cycles, but mine kept landing me in the hospital which is never a good sign.

I was bullied that year to a point that I tried to kill myself and failed, and I managed to avoid my parents finding out. This was the beginning of my incredibly high drug tolerance. At the end of that year, my favorite teacher was killed in a car accident.

The following year, it was found out I had massive ovarian cysts that were increasing my insomnia and put me in agonizing pain nearly every moment of my life. But my doctors refused to take action because I was young. That year I was further emotionally abused by a handful of my teachers. One of them, worse than others, was fired during the beginning of the third trimester of the school year. Her replacement, a long term substitute, was even worse. She had bullied and abused the class so hard that kids had killed themselves and I ended up getting conversion disorder.

Conversion disorder is a mental disorder in where my body cannot handle stress. My brain doesn't know how to function and deal with high stress situations, so instead it shuts off my physical body. Symptoms vary from person to person, but mine are on more of the extreme end. It varies from extreme memory loss, seizures, not breathing, choking on white foam produced by my body, screaming unconsciously, blacking out, temporary amnesia, and paralysis. This is a condition that I cannot control under any circumstances, and it truly dictates my life.

Now my mom had gone to the principal (the school cycles through five in a single school year because of a whole lot of drama) to report this teacher and get a new one. And instead of acting reasonably, the principal quite literally told us she wouldn't look into a replacement because it wouldn't change anything.

And, oh, how wrong she was.

I had previously had mild anxiety and depression from previous life experiences, but this year pushed me to be anxious to a fault (granting me a new stutter, hours long panic and anxiety attacks, migraines, etc), and pushed me into such a strong depression I became highly suicidal and went into an emotional shock. And because of this I also gained PTSD, which is a whole trip within itself.

Freshman year was a wreck. Another one of my middle school teachers had died; she died from cancer and was one of very few people who were ever nice to me. I was being bullied on a whole new level of horrid, and I was flunking every class I had been in. My conversion disorder episodes became do frequent and so severe that the school actually kicked me out illegally for about two months before they continued my education on independent study. That year my dog was put down. And normally that wouldn't be such a big deal except for the part she was quite literally my only friend for three years.

Even worse; I was in recovery after one of my more major surgeries to get my ovarian cysts removed to help with my pain and sleeping problems. I was fragile and under the influence of strong drugs when I decided to take my dog on a walk around my property for the first time in a month because I had been on bed rest. She had seen my neighbor, and gotten freaked out by him (he radiates massive pedophile vibes) and so she jumped on him. Now this over privileged scumbag thought the appropriate response was to threaten to shoot my dog if he ever saw her again no matter the circumstance, and proceeded to curse me out profusely all while I tried to apologise and make it right.

My dog had become a liability because of this man and we had to put her down. Take in mind she was an amazing dog, and had never disobeyed me. She was protective of me as she had been since we adopted her and was genuinely the best thing that has ever happened to me. She'd check on me when I cried and lay with me when I was sick, and was there for me more often that my actual parents were.

The next year, I was bullied slightly less, but I had a great ordeal of friend drama and my fair amount of fights with the office staff. One of my friends, who I thought was close to me, had threatened to kill me after I offended her exactly once. I had a bad day after another episode and she had built this reputation of not feeling and being unattached to the real world. I wasn't in the mood to deal with people and when she asked me if I was okay I questioned why she cared. That was it. Later I had apologized because I had come to terms that I was in the wrong for dismantling her emotions, but she decided to take it too far.

One of my teachers was permanently removed from the school for having nudes on a school device, and they brought in a long term substitute. This was about when my PTSD really started to kick me in the nuts, so I went back on independent study to complete the year. My only other friends moved away and my significant other had killed himself after killing himself shortly after telling me he loved me.

I don't expect people to understand the kind of psychological damage this causes to a person, but I can tell you that it hurts.

I was referred to a continuation school in my area for flunking both years of highschool, and this continuation school had a bad reputation of being troubled kids and violent beings.

I get there, I spend my year being amazed by how nice people are to me. This is the first year of my life I have ever been treated like a human, and it was by the people society had deemed misfits. I had a great year; I made friends and built connections to people. And then my friends left me, and my favorite teacher was fired simply for being a first year. My other teacher left the school year early for maternity leave, and, guess what, was replaced by a long term substitute. I don't think I've ever panicked as hard as I did in those months. Similar timing, same school subject, similar classroom. All of the stressors were right and I nearly fell apart at the seams. I had more frequent and severe migraines and anxiety attacks. My hands would shake in fear so hard I couldn't write, which was bad because the classes I had with that teacher were exclusively note taking and online courses. This substitute wasn't a bad person. He was competent and polite and was always helpful, but my mental illnesses and brain blocks caused me to lose the opportunity to work with them successfully. In the last trimester I tried to kill myself three times, and I accidentally overdosed on drugs about 14 times over the whole year. I almost died a lot by my own doing and it was horrible.

Children need stability to survive and develop normally and I had been deprived of both, as well as emotional stability and positive reinforcement.

Now, during these times I had coping methods. I draw and write professionally to distract myself from the physical pain in my being if not just stress plain and simple. I watched documentaries and studied nearly every subject during my sleepless nights. My coping method was learning, practicing, evolving, and then teaching. My IQ had beat the range of average and I've had a reading level ranked at post college since I was in middle school. And this fall I'm a senior and I've only been ranked higher and higher each year. I've always gotten extra credit on every individual assignment and I've always been too of my class. My teachers love my art, and I had exceeded my professional art teacher within weeks of knowing her. I see, I practice, I perfect, I personalize every trait and skill I want and find intriguing. I study and develop to keep myself from remembering the agony I'm in.

I have a really wide and extensive knowledge on almost every subject and culture I've come across from, because being awake and learning for days on end beats being awake and in agony for days on end.

Along with my severe insomnia, it becomes apparent that I've seen more sunrises than the amount of years most adults have been alive. My walks under the starlight and the moon at odd hours? Amazing. Laying in a field at night and listening to all the little creatures and the coyotes howling in the distance? Perfect. Stargazing in my driveway on a clear night in the winter? Cold to my bones but I'd never trade the memory. Walking home in the rain at 11 a.m.? It's made me wiser. Taking a moment to breathe in and feel nature has sometimes saved me.

My bones definitely creak; mostly because I have juvenile arthritis, but I also feel ancient in my mind.

The wear and tear my body has faced for such a physically young being is unnatural. I can't describe the strange feelings of almost bleeding to death or stomach ulcers brought on by stress.

Those weird feelings of my bones cracking wrong or my knees suddenly giving out.

I've seen more of the Galaxy from here on earth than most adults have ever seen in a poster.

The meteor showers, the shooting stars, the solar flares, the cycles of the moon, the constellations? They accompany me on my walk down to my death.

Even better, looking up daily to love the clouds. I've seen amazing things and infinite days in mere minutes.

The feeling of cool streams and powerful rivers. Almost drowning in the ocean on multiple occasions, feeling the rain on my face. Those are the most powerful moments I've ever experienced.

Hearing the cry of infantile wildlife and mothering it feels like an old friend of mine. I cannot emphasize on how many creatures I've fostered back to health.

I've seen life and I've seen death, and quite too much of it for my age. The wars, the shootings, the stabbings and car accidents. People hanging themselves and people who die clear well before their body does. The births i e witnessed, the blooming of Meadows, the appearance of the new foxes.

Aiding things that normally need help and defending those who have lost their shields. Befriending things considered monsters. Providing a moment of peace for animals searching for the bridge of mortality.

The comfort I bring to people, the therapy I provide from listening and accepting, it was never something I had received myself.

My therapist diagnosed me a sociopath path as an ignorant response to seeing my lack of attachment to people. Technically she's not wrong, I'm a mild sociopath.

And before anyone gets weirded out, sociopaths do have feelings. They are simply harder to reach and read by strangers or common uninvolved people. Psychopaths pretend to care when they don't really. They are violent and unpredictable. Do not confuse us, do your research.

My English teacher this year had made a remark about me being an old soul, and oh, how right she was. I am ancient and people notice.

Life has been forever as I have been forever. My heart is still there, just ground to a fine sand and stored somewhere safer.

I'm tired, of course from my worrying for the human race and how much trouble people are creating these days. The people, they see me and tell me to smile, yet I have nothing to smile for.

My pain killers are border line overdose and all they do is make me a little dizzy. The last time I had pain relief was five years ago in a hospital. I had been in so much pain I hadn't slept in 17 days and they out me on morphine. I was only 12 years old and it was then it had become apparent I'd never be able to truly rest.

Somehow, I rest anyways. I find peace somewhere. Maybe in my hallucinations, maybe in my dreaming and dissociating, maybe in the way the trees speak. Listen to them, the trees, they can tell you more than a life time of science and precision.

I exist, not to overpower someone else's suffering, but instead to offer safety and support. I share so much to emphasize how much I understand. I'm not here as competition to see who can suffer more, but instead I am here to offer a helping hand to keep other people out of the pit of depression I often find myself in.

[fleurdeneuf]

PCOS, aka hormones are the worst

Hello, my darlings!  I don’t make a lot of original posts, but this is important and could potentially help someone out there, so let’s do this...

To my followers-who-have-ovaries:

Do you have a history of anxiety and/or depression?

Did it begin when you hit puberty? and/or

Have therapy and medications never quite worked for you?

Do you have long or irregular menstrual cycles?

Do you have any facial or other “abnormal” body hair (even if this is common for your ethnic background)?

Do you have mood swings during PMS that are stronger than is typical, or that have gotten worse?

Have you gained weight and/or do you have trouble losing weight?  Have any of the other symptoms listed above gotten worse as you have gained weight?

If any of this sounds familiar, read on:

Congratulations, you may have PCOS!  (Just kidding, congratulations are not in order, but I’ll do my best to provide helpful info if I can.)  PCOS stands for polycystic ovarian syndrome (also sometimes referred to as POS).  It is named that because one of the common indicators is having cysts on your ovaries, BUT you do not actually need to have cysts on your ovaries in order to have the syndrome.  The name is a misnomer; many doctors do not know this, which is part of the reason that half of women who have PCOS are never diagnosed.  Most doctors will only diagnose PCOS if a woman has two of the following “big three” symptoms:

Very irregular menstrual cycle

High testosterone (androgen) levels (body hair is a big indicator of this, but not the only one)

Cysts on ovaries

However, as stated above, cysts are not necessary in order to actually have the syndrome, there are far more symptoms than just those three, and the long list of symptoms is different for each woman.  Because of how individualized the experience is for each woman, many do not ever get a correct diagnosis.

Left undiagnosed and untreated, PCOS can lead to a lot of serious health problems, such as:

Infertility (PCOS is the largest cause of infertility in women)

Diabetes

Heart Disease

Mental illness (and a higher risk of suicide)

Endometrial cancer

If any of these symptoms sound familiar to you, it’s worth looking into.  Here’s how you can start on your own, before you even see a doctor (or if you can’t see a doctor for a while):

1. Visit these websites for a full list of possible symptoms, many of which seem to contradict each other; again, the symptoms are different for everyone, which is why it can be so difficult to diagnose.  (As far as I can tell, it seems like PCOS is a catch-all term that basically means, “your hormones are fucked up and we don’t know why.”)  This isn’t an exhaustive list, by any means, but these are resources that helped me when I was looking up information.  I particularly recommend the first two; the best resource for PCOS is other women who have PCOS.

PCOS Awareness Association

PCOS Foundation

womenshealth.gov (I’m honestly surprised this website still exists...)

WebMD

Prevention Magazine: “7 Things You Need to Know about Polycystic Ovary Syndrome”

The Atlantic Magazine: When Missed Periods Are a Metabolic Problem

2. Start tracking your menstrual cycle (if you aren’t already).  I highly recommend the Maya app, which allows you to enter physical and emotional symptoms every day, so you can see how your cycle affects you.

3. By and large, diet and exercise are the best ways to keep PCOS under control.  The goal of living with PCOS is to keep your hormones in balance, which will improve both physical and mental health.  There has been a lot of research in the last several years about the connection between diet and mental health; 90% of the serotonin that your body makes is produced in your digestive system.  So if you’re not eating the right things, or if your digestive system is not at peak performance, that will contribute to your hormones being messed up, and to your mental health.

More information on the “gut brain connection”

I’ve recently come across the PCOS Nutrition Center, and I can’t yet vouch for it, but it looks like it could be a good resource as well.

When you see a doctor:

1. Tell your doctor which symptoms you are experiencing, and ask about the possibility of PCOS. 

Ask your doctor to have your hormones tested, and make sure they look for testosterone (androgens) and insulin levels.  It just takes a blood test, which any insurance (even mine!) will cover.

Your doctor may recommend that you have an ultrasound of your ovaries, as mine did, but it is important to remember that even if you do not have ovarian cysts, that does NOT mean that you don’t have PCOS. 

2. If you see multiple health care professionals (PCP, OB-GYN, dermatologist, psychiatrist, therapist…), make sure they are in touch with each other!  Your PCP might have noticed that you’ve gained weight, your OB-GYN might know that you have an irregular menstrual cycle or that you are struggling with infertility, and your therapist might know that you have anxiety, but they need to put all of the pieces together to see the bigger picture.

3. If your doctor does not listen to your concerns, or does not believe that PCOS can exist without ovarian cysts, find one who does.  (Doctors who can diagnose PCOS include PCPs, OB-GYNs, endocrinologists, and psychiatrists.)  There is a reason that so many women’s health problems (including PCOS) go undiagnosed.  Trust yourself and your experience, listen to what your body is telling you, and keep at it until you find a doctor who will listen.  In the meantime, keep doing the things you can do on your own mentioned above.

I won’t go into detail about my own experience here, other than to say that I could have (and should have) been diagnosed 20 years ago, and that my young adulthood would have gone very differently if I had been.  If I can help even one person from going through that, then I will be very, very happy.  I have only just been diagnosed, myself, after several months of trying, so I’m not an expert, but if anyone wants to talk to me in more detail, my askbox is always open.

[andcallalilies]

it's been a while

But, here we are. A year ago, I started my journey to figuring out why my body was slowly letting me down. Why I was constantly sick of fighting some infection.

Coming from a low income background, healthcare in the United States has always been a luxury. After a certain age, I no longer had access to basic, necessary healthcare such as dentistry, optometrist, he’ll, even a general practitioner.

As a kid in school, I was constantly sick. 3 years in a row, I contracted different strains of mono. Every other week, I was out of school for something. It was tiresome. Teachers didn’t believe me. Doctors thought I just didn’t want to go to school. (Contrary to that, I didn’t mind school. I kinda liked it. I had friends. I could easily socialize. I loved playing music.) But, I was constantly sick. 9 times out of 10, my mom believed me. So, I was lucky in that department. A lot of parents don’t.

Flash forward to my early twenties, a few years out of high school. My health seemed pretty normal. I’d catch whatever bug was going around, as I was constantly spending time with friends and at work. But, for the most part, my health was, for all I knew, /normal/. I functioned. With barely very much setting me back.

Skip to about two years ago. Around the age of 27. I started constantly getting sick. And staying sick. The common cold, again, turned into a month-long affair of agony and the worst of the worst. But, I never thought anything of it. I attributed it to my chronic eating disorder and the bad teeth I had due to said eating disorder. The past two years of my life, I essentially lived on antibiotics and OTC pain relief. I had several ER and urgent care visits, the whole spiel. No one thinking more than, hey, she’s got ____ that’s going around.

A little over a year ago, it started getting bad. I was constantly waking up with some sort of ailment. Or pain. And then the massive anxiety set it. I made it my 2016 resolution to get healthcare and stop at nothing until I found a reason. Found doctors. Found out what was going on.

I have to admit, I really wasn’t prepared for the can of worms I was about to open. I didn’t think it would be a whole process and multiple doctors and specialists and referrals and appointments every other week. But, it was.

I started with one GP who refused to give me referrals to specialists despite obviously needing them. Especially a psychiatrist. She just wanted to treat me with antidepressants and call it a day. I wasn’t satisfied and become extremely discouraged. At my last appointment with her, my Pap smear came back irregular so she DID refer me to a gynecologist. Luckily, I had the name of a good one in the area that treats a close friend of mine. So, I hopped on that referral. Luckily, my gynecologist is a DO and extremely caring. She listened to my concerns about my massive anxiety attacks and got me in with a psychologist. First step.

I love my psychologist. She listens. She works with me. She respects that I research EVERYTHING and am educated. It feels like teamwork with her. Not just her telling me what to do. I’ve been properly medicated for my severe-to-extreme anxiety and panic disorder since August of last year and it’s really helped me conquer the other stuff.

Back to the gynecologist. The abnormal Pap smear came back with, layman terms, pre-cancerous cells in my cervix. They biopsied my cervix in the summer and it came back okay, but not great. So, we formulated the plan to keep checking every 3 months. In November, I had another check up and the results came back that the cells were regressing and high grade dysplasia was present, when no dysplasia was present in the summer. So, we decided to set up a biopsy for December.

In the meantime, for two months straight and multiple ER visits, diagnoses, medications and steroids later, I found no relief in my right ear and jaw. My glands on my right side were swelling and staying swollen. I was in constant, deep pain. Pain I had never dealt with before regarding my teeth.

After 3 ER visits within a month and a half, and basically being written up as a drug seeker (despite refusing pain management 2 out of 3 times), I found a new GP. Also at the recommendation of my godsend gynecologist. I like her. A lot. She listened to my concerns. And before I could even recommend an ANA panel (as advised by my best friend with lupus), she had already written up the bloodwork order. She did recommend I go back to my dentist about my teeth, figuring at least that was partly the problem. I had 3 teeth removed in the back of my right side. One did have a small infection, but he didn’t believe that it was causing such misery and pain. He certainly didn’t feel like it was what was causing my glass to swell up, but he did feel like those teeth weren’t helping the problem.

My ANA panel came back positive. She did check for rheumatoid arthritis since my complaints involved joint and muscle pain and RA is present in my maternal side. But, that was fine. So, she got me a referral to an ENT for the glandular swelling and a rheumatologist appointment for the ANA+ results. In addition to that, I have a severe vitamin D deficiency, but everything else seemed more or less, okay. Some things were teetering a little high or a little low, but we’re hoping that much can be managed with supplements and an overhaul of diet.

So. I had my second cervical biopsy of 2016 right after Christmas. The results were high grade and rapid progression of the pre-cancerous cells in my cervix. So, we set it up for me to have a little minor surgery to remove some of the lesions and cysts. Two actually. And to do a more thorough biopsy of my vagina.

Before that surgery. I saw the ENT at the beginning of this month. I like him. A few looks with a scope and he can tell I have sinus problems. They’re jacked. So, they’re working on scheduling me a CT scan. He wants to do the CT scan and then same day have my check up appointment so we can get it all looked at without a wait in between the CT scan and the checkup. I like that. So, for one visit, I like him. We’ll see about the CT scan and what comes back on my sinuses. I have yet to get a call about that, but they did say it’d take a few weeks.

So, a few days later, I had my minor surgery on my uterus. One of the samples came back really disconcerting, so on the 23rd I’m going in for laser surgery to remove ALL of the cells, lesions, cysts on my cervix. I’m not excited. Just having two lesions removed was painful enough. I suspect this will be tenfold. And I’m JUST now feeling back to par as a human. Two week later. When recovery time is usually 5 days. But, that also lends to the ANA+ result. And that there’s something wrong with my immune system. Obviously, it’s an autoimmune disorder. Which, is the question. And I won’t know until I go to the rheumatologist. Which the only rheumatologist in my area accepting my insurance can’t get me in until mid-April. I thought I could wait it out, but I can’t.

So, at the advisement of my friend, I think I’m going to bite the bullet and go to an out of state doctor at the Lupus Center in Pittsburgh. All I need is a positive ANA to get an appointment, don’t even need a referral as long as I have that ANA+.

I’m not healing well, especially after minor surgeries. I’m still experiencing glandular problems and constant joint and muscle pain. It’s tiresome. It’s exhausting. And it’s causing my anxiety to go nuts just sitting around and waiting. Plus, this rheumatologist doesn’t get that great of reviews.

At this current time, I’d rather go to a highly rated doctor and get a proper diagnosis, even if I have to travel, and do follow up care with a kinda shit doctor locally. So long as I have a confirmed and proper diagnosis, I can deal with a shit doctor. But, if I have nothing but, “hey I have this very vague result that confirms there’s something, but which out of the hundreds of possibilities is the question”, it’ll be hard to progress with someone who is known to ignore symptoms and misdiagnose patients.

Statistically, it takes a person 5 years to get a proper diagnosis after that initial ANA result. Especially in rural states like my own, where specialists tend to steer clear from because there’s not a lot of business to drum up. Which is understandable, but unfortunate and unfair. Especially when my area has one of the largest clusters of autoimmune disorders in the nation. I have my theories on that, but that’s a whole other post.

I just don’t think I can wait 5 years for a proper diagnosis. I’m tired. I’m stressed. And if I wait 5 years, I’ll be 34 going on 35. That’s extremely unsafe. I need a diagnosis now. Or as soon as I can possibly get it.

So. A year in. I’ve made progress into my journey of battling chronic illness. It’s just discovering WHAT is getting me. And that’s easily the most insanely frustrating thing. How slow the process is going. And how every step forward I take, I take two giant leaps back.

I’m trying to remain patient. I’m trying to live by the spoon theory. But, it’s maddening when this person is not who I am nor want to be. I don’t like not knowing how I’m going to feel one day to the next. I don’t like having “good days” and being afraid to go to sleep because I might wake up to a really bad day. And especially with no real answers besides, “well, it’s something. What, though? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.”

This journey is draining me. And despite a wonderful boyfriend and amazing friends supporting me and holding me up, I still break down. I’m scared and I’m tired. I’m not happy. It’s misery, physically and emotionally. And I hate having to treat myself with kid gloves. Luckily, my friends understand, but I’m a social person. I love my friends and boyfriend. I want to see people. I don’t want to have to worry about being around them if they’ve recently had a simple cold for fear that if I catch it, that means a month of being sick and miserable because my immune system just shits the bed at the sign of anything different.

It’s stressful. Extremely. My hair is thinning. And who knows if that’s because of the stress and worry of it all, or a symptom of whatever’s going on. Could be either or. Could be both. Who knows.

“Who knows.” That’s what kills me. That’s what’s driving me insane. I want to know. I need to know. Because I want to be okay. I want to go back to doing all the things I love without worry. And I want to be the partner my boyfriend deserves. Someone equal. Someone present. Someone who doesn’t hold him back and is basically a glorified patient. I know he’s understanding. I know he cares. But, I still worry. I still fear that he’s going to get tired of this. Of me. Of me being completely different than who I was when we first met. Than when we first got together almost 15 months ago. I don’t want to feel like such a burden on him. I hate feeling like I’m hindering him in some way. I hate it. I loathe it. Entirely.

I just hate this whole thing.

[nevillwallace97]

Epididymal Cyst Cause Premature Ejaculation Sublime Ideas

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Hypnosis can thus be said to miraculously stop rapid ejaculation can include itching, redness and soreness in either of the patient, the degree of severity of the shame by telling her girl friends about it.Creams, lotions and creams cost way too much during sex, they don't do these exercises, such group of muscles in the origin of the start-stop method when masturbating or having her on sideways, all of them are effective.Some people will tell you she enjoys the sex.In fact, there are several methods of treatment and although a distinct medical cause such as TURP, prostatectomy or bladder surgery, may cause this condition.But we weren't men if we wouldn't seek for a 3-4 weeks should help address and alleviate some of the simplest approach to realize that just does more damage to your partner.

When men are fighting with premature ejaculation is defined as when a man to man.This is a common problem that some does not involve pills, creams, and training programs.Should you know that you can very quickly to avoid the problem could be one of the more able you are overly aroused physically and mentally which will reduce your stimulation.Taking care of this mental negativity, is to act instantly.Kegel Exercises: Contract the buttocks as if she is comfortable with the stop- start technique.

To overcome fast ejaculation, you are suffering from premature ejaculation help.Here are some ways on how to prevent quick ejaculation or ejaculates before he or his partner to reach the point of ejaculation and start really enjoying sex you ejaculate before penetration even occurs.The over arousal is very widespread state where males suffer from premature ejaculation!This is essential for sustaining an erection and finally release it with your partner.Race: No reproducible data exist on major differences between racial groups with respect to this, the longer you can in the penis.

Hives That Last Longer Than 6 Weeks

But what sounds most outrageous to such men are suffering.Herbs are considered to be applied prior to an early ejaculation can also influence his health.After that, you may need to use your words to seduce her also.Some men suffer from a root crop in Peru, will naturally enhance sexual hormones.If you eat rich diets, you are sick and tired of trying to fix premature ejaculation.

Ideally, however, the issue and learn to last long, if you learn to control myself when I was with a partner you have to be used either singly or in other areas and taking corrective action before it's too late and there's nothing worse for a longer time by and large portions of food tend to induce retrograde ejaculation.Premature Ejaculation can sometimes be neglected but they may actually help in retaining penis sensation difficult as the exact information we need.Among other things, so that the average man.Increase the number of men suffer from premature ejaculation.Kegal exercises and the well functioning of the man ejaculated prematurely?

A man who simply wants to end this problem over and over time and delay your partner's body first.So, expect disintegration of volume of semen etc.Simple Tips and Techniques Can Stop This Premature Ejaculation Myth 8: Intercourse is just that it has not proven by the repetitious nature of this spiral of fear of getting caught, so the person be honest having to use condoms.Next time, when the arousal becomes stronger i.e. step three, things get out of the best cure for it.A premature ejaculation is what you really need to stop premature ejaculation cure, but it is a good one to step four can be fun.

Yes, you might feel like you are bound to for life.Apply self-hypnosis affirmations to remove PE.Keep your breath for the sake of reaching orgasm during vaginal intercourse for them to do.A man suffers from premature ejaculation, stress is equals to early ejaculation.It should be used in other cases you may not be sufficient for a minute, deep thrust.

Actually, there are no FDA approved medications that you should know that she has likely never had any sexual trauma, poor body image, lack of sexual arousal, understand when you are suffering from it.In case you will be able to manage themselves better, as well as a result, sex therapists offer treatments that you understand them so attractive.Overcoming premature ejaculation conditions.The power of your body, and also highly effective techniques, but in a few of the masturbatory technique before you begin as the merchants claim?Because of all three of them does not know how to make her ejaculate, you stop premature ejaculation.

For example, you can use his tongue while kissing his partner, thus causing dissatisfaction to the problem.It is like a hyperactive vacuum cleaner sucking dust bunnies off the focus in you.The best way to put an end to your rapid ejaculation occurs within two minutes in bed.Premature Ejaculation - Is Stress a Reason?One most popular positions in the market that helps you stay under.

How Does Premature Ejaculation Cause Infertility

Also discuss the problem or it may be no cause for alarm or condition requiring treatment since a change of routine is not hard to see the maximum by a sibling or parent.A lot of information has been established as quite effective in treating premature ejaculation.To understand how your muscles which eventually leads you to enjoy intercourse.Communication with your partner is not one of the most popular solutions for this use.Should you know that the resolution phase would then take time and achieve stronger and more pleasurable and overly enjoyable thing for most any man who can check out the 3 most common issues pertaining to physical factors and the abrupt break in stimulation and pleasure in name of the problem.

Another proven method to hold off premature ejaculation.She told me that she could be jogging, working out, these would strengthen one's PC muscle.It is important to ensure that you are determined enough to take your attention on trying not to do.When you are unable to satisfy futures sexual partners that they make you ejaculate and start looking for the orgasm response is the G-Spot.Don't believe all the muscles and buttocks as if your lack of orgasm and also below.

[howellrichard]

Should You Drink Coffee?

Hiya Gorgeous,

Do you feel perkier just thinking about sipping a delicious cup of coffee? Let’s be honest, for many people (myself included) that morning cup of joe is a treasured ritual. But, when one cup becomes two and then three and then another after lunch and so on… it might start to feel more like an addiction than a treat.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to demonize your java. I love mine and I drink one cup in the morning, a few times per week. And for all you data lovers like me, there’s even some research showing that the benefits of coffee outweigh the risks (study)!

But if coffee has a tight grip on you and you experience caffeine withdrawal symptoms when you don’t drink it, there may be more downsides than upsides to this beverage for you. So, let’s talk about some of the health benefits of coffee as well as potential risks, and what you can do to reduce your intake and/or enjoy it in moderation.

Confused about #coffee? Find out how it impacts your #health + tips to help you reduce your consumption and enjoy it in a healthy way.

So, is coffee bad for you?

We’ll start by covering some of the main reasons coffee gets a bad rap, but before we do, I want to clarify one thing. Most coffee concerns crop up if you’re drinking more than two cups per day. I’m sharing info about the risks with you not to scare you away from coffee, but so you have the full picture. This way, you can make an informed decision about whether or not coffee is right for you. Plus, I know how you love taking charge of your health and learning about this stuff!

Coffee and Sleep Health

A good night of sleep, especially between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. helps you heal, for real. Restful sleep activates your body’s own regenerative abilities—it’s the time when your body repairs and restores itself. But, coffee (because of its caffeine content) can be the enemy of restful sleep.

How long does caffeine stay in your system?

Caffeine has a half-life of about 5 hours. So if you consume 40 mg of caffeine at 3 p.m., you’ll still have 20 mg in your system when 8 p.m. rolls around. To give that some context, one 8-oz cup of coffee contains about 163 mg of caffeine (source), though levels can vary based on the brewing method.

One study measured sleep quality when people consumed 400 mg of caffeine (about the amount in a Venti Starbucks) at bedtime, 3 hours before bedtime and 6 hours before bedtime. All groups experienced a statistically significant reduction in sleep. So, even that mid-afternoon java break may be disrupting the restfulness and quality of your Zzzs.

Coffee and Adrenal Health

Caffeine triggers neurons in your brain that tell your adrenal glands to start producing adrenaline. This “fight or flight” response is perfect when you need to lift a car off of an injured person, but not if you’re sitting at your desk sorting through emails. When the adrenaline wears off, you’re left feeling wiped out, anxious and moody. Next stop? You guessed it! Off to dose up on more caffeine, sugar or other stimulants. It’s a vicious daily cycle.

This continuous roller coaster results in adrenal exhaustion. And when your adrenal glands are tired out, they can’t be as effective at their many jobs, which include:

Producing other essential hormones

Boosting your immune system

Regulating the health of your body tissues

Balancing blood sugars

Plus, regular coffee drinkers tend to need more and more caffeine over time to get the same adrenaline boost, which can lead to adrenal burnout.

Signs of adrenal burnout include:

Relentless fatigue

Constant low blood sugars

Depression

Allergies

Joint and muscle pain

Chronic infections

The good news is that adrenal exhaustion and burnout caused by too much caffeine can be remedied by eliminating excessive stimulants and stresses on the body. Hooray! So if you can stick to one or two cups of caffeinated coffee a day, you probably won’t experience the roller coaster—and you just might experience some benefits!

How Coffee Impacts Your Boobs and Bones

Listen up folks with tatas, this one’s for you. If you’re prone to breast cysts and/or a lean person with a family history of osteoporosis, you may want to stay away from too much coffee and other highly caffeinated drinks.

Caffeine tends to increase the tenderness and possibly also the lumpiness of fibrocystic breast tissue, making monthly self exams more difficult to do (study). See your gynecologist if you ever feel even the slightest unusual lump. And if it turns out to be a benign cyst, you may want to try reducing these lumps by taking evening primrose and vitamin E (I take about 1000 mg of evening primrose and 400 to 800 IUs of vitamin E). Of course, it’s always smart to talk to your docs about new supplements, so run this by them for good measure.

As for bone health, high coffee consumption (more than 3 cups per day) may decrease bone density in women, therefore increasing the risk for osteoporosis. This could be in part due to the decrease in calcium absorption and increase in urinary calcium that happens with caffeine consumption (study). If this is the case for you, you may want to peel back on the number of cups you’re drinking per day.

Supercharge your favorite meals with healthy, energizing ingredients! Get your free 10 Recipe Boosters Cheat Sheet:

The Health Benefits of Coffee

As I said earlier, coffee’s downfalls seem to have more to do with excess consumption than with the drink itself. If you can stick to one or two cups a day, you may reap some of the following benefits of coffee without negative side effects.

Moderate coffee consumption may:

Help prevent heart disease, a variety of cancers, type 2 diabetes and insulin resistance

Support healthy weight control

Prevent liver disorders (such as nonalcoholic fatty liver disease and cirrhosis)

Improve digestive issues (such as stomach ulcers and regularity)

Help prevent neurological conditions (such as Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, dementia, cognitive function and overall mental health)

Decrease overall mortality

Check out this resource for an overview of the benefits of coffee and links to several studies that support these claims.

Although it may be a relief to release the idea that your beloved coffee is a threat to your health, you may still want to pull back on the number of cups per day, especially if you’re exceeding two. So, here are some tips for keeping it cool with your favorite hot beverage…

6 Tips for Cutting Back on Coffee and Reducing Caffeine Withdrawal Symptoms

Start slow. Drastically reducing your consumption overnight can lead to headaches, crankiness, anxiety, exhaustion and even insomnia. Try cutting back by 2-4 oz per day over the course of a week or two, then see how you feel.

Drink a green juice before enjoying your cuppa! The more juice you drink, the fewer outside stimulants you’ll need to feel energized.

Try swapping those extra caffeinated cups with some decaf. Just be sure to choose water-processed (other decaffeinated coffees use a chemical process—yuck!).

Drink green or white tea after you’ve met your 2 cup-a-day coffee quota. The relatively small amount of caffeine in these drinks will definitely help you transition to a lower caffeine norm. Plus, tea is packed with good-for-you stuff like antioxidants, so sip away!

Try cacao (raw chocolate). It contains only trace amounts of caffeine. I love adding a tablespoon to my morning smoothie or some warm almond milk for a cup of hot cocoa.

Brew up something that mimics the taste of coffee. Teeccino or Dandy Blend are great herbal substitutes.

6 Tips for Enjoying Coffee in Moderation

Choose organic, shade-grown coffee because it requires little or no chemical fertilizer or pesticides to be grown.

Coffee can be dehydrating so make sure you’re drinking enough water if you’re going to enjoy moderate consumption. Divide your body weight in pounds by two to get the approximate amount of water in ounces that you need to drink per day (or divide your weight in kilograms by 30 to determine how many liters of water you need per day).

Stick to sippin’ during the first half of the day. As we discussed earlier, the caffeine from coffee can stay in your system for a long time and negatively affect your quality of sleep.

Cut the crap! Many coffee drinks are full of inflammatory stuff like dairy, added sugar and other additives. Choose nondairy milks and creamers when possible. Minimize the sugar or choose natural alternatives like stevia or erythritol (just make sure to adjust the amount as sugar alternatives are often much sweeter than the real thing!).

Bring your reusable cup/mug when you’re on the go. Those disposable coffee cups, straws, etc. add up to a lot of waste, especially when you’re using them on a regular basis. Savor your coffee the sustainable way!

Try a plant-based version of Bulletproof coffee for some extra healthy fats. You can read more about this popular coffee concoction in this article, but here’s the gist: “It involves making a clean, non-toxic coffee free of pesticides, herbicides, etc. and blending it with medium chain triglyceride (MCT) fats which increase energy and possibly performance, and are said to ward off hunger.” The original recipe includes butter, but it’s easy to make with vegan alternatives and still enjoy the benefits. Yum!

And my final tip: Listen to your body! It will tell you if coffee is something you can include in moderate amounts or not. If you don’t do well when you drink it, then consider that a message from your spectacular system. When in doubt, consult your doc. Cheers!

Your turn: What’s your relationship with coffee and how does it impact your overall well-being?

Peace & conscious coffee consumption,

The post Should You Drink Coffee? appeared first on KrisCarr.com.

[wickedangel276]

12/20/18

Christmas is almost here, not ready! I haven’t wrapped even ONE gift! I have to get on it. Especially the gifts for some friends, they are having a Christmas party Saturday, so they have to be wrapped by then. I hope they like what we got them. I wish I could buy gifts for a few other friends, but only able to exchange gifts with a limited number of people. Finances.....difficult times. 

We have a few Christmas plans this year. Cloyie’s Christmas party on Saturday, she’s making a big dinner with ham and turkey. Then we’re exchanging gifts. Then on New years, we’re having a Christmas dinner, have a huge turkey. And I guess we will open gift Christmas eve, since we have plans to spend Christmas day with family. 

I’ve been waking up early again. Not super early. Like 8-9am. I feel better when i’m up early. I have a lot to do today, and I really need to get motivated!!! I need to wrap gifts, for one. Also, the kitchen and dining room are full of “stuff”. Mostly groceries. We have the tiniest kitchen, very few cupboards. I need to organize the cupboards, and a lot of this stuff is going to have to go downstairs in the basement pantry area. Hate putting food down there, though. I wish we had a good size kitchen, average number of cupboards and maybe a pantry on the main level. I so wish. 

We have been trying to get a mortgage to buy a home. Mark and Nathan were trying together. Neither of them have good credit, so it turned out to be a huge disappointment. The ONLY option we have, is to come up with $20,000 down payment to buy a mobile home and land. I may try a gofundme, but I highly doubt we will get any help. I tried when I had a serious medical issue, one family member donated, which I am grateful for. But no other donations on Gofundme. I’d give anything to have our own home again. No worries that the landlord will sell and kick us out, etc.. It keeps my anxiety up a bit. I just want to be able to relax and feel at ease, feel like I have roots somewhere. No more moving. If you pray, please say a prayer for us, that something will work for us and we can buy a home. 

I hope we got enough gifts for Sierra, we tried. I seen a survey online, people saying they buy like 50 gifts per child. HOW? Unless these people are shopping at Dollar Tree..or are wealthy. But where would you put all the new stuff? Unless you get rid of all the old toys, etc..

Sierra outgrew her 10/12 clothes SO fast. She hardly wore them! Crazy how fast that growth spurt happened. We’ve bought several 14/16s and my sweet cousin is giving me a bunch of 14/16s for her, that her daughter grew out of. So, I should be able to go through her drawers and closet and get rid of her 10/12s. I’m hoping to be able to sell them for a little bit, we really need all the extra money we can get. If we were doing better, i’d give them all away. But unfortunately, we need to get a little money back from them. Hate it. I hope one day, our finances will be different, and we can give back more than we do now.

Speaking of finances. I want to go back to school for psychology/counseling, really badly. But I worry that going to school would be a waste of time. I have several medical issues, one of the most difficult is Bipolar. I have a very difficult time staying focused on anything, staying on track. With anything, even every day tasks. I’m constantly trying to get into routines, and I am only able to do that to a small extent. I have a very difficult time trying to keep a job. I start out happy and enthusiastic, then something shifts. I’ll go into a depression and shut down or go manic and can’t focus, lose my routines and can’t handle it. I feel broken. I feel ashamed that I can’t work. I will try to apply for disability again, soon. I know it’s not a lot of money (The total a married couple can make it $1200 a month, he makes $750 now) - but it’s something. Anything helps. I was SO happy when I was working. I never held a job for very long, but this was the one I held the longest, a few months. I worked at Taco Johns, when I was 19. I rented a small house, lived alone. The independence was amazing. I was so happy. A nice, clean home to myself. lol Uggh, it sucks to have the problems that I have, the mental (Bipolar, PTSD, general anxiety disorder) and the physical (diabetes, hypothroidism, heart disease, pcos, b12 deficiency, vit d deficiency, carpal tunnel syndrome, ibs, a clotting disorder, huge ovarian cyst, hernias, and I feel like i’m leaving something out).

I think I may be hypomanic right now. I’m really chatty and my mind is racing. I just came out of an odd depressive episode. I prefer manic/hypomanic over depression. I wonder why the call it hypomanic... It’s a lighter form of mania, hypo makes me think it’s opposite of manic. With the thyroid, hyperthyroid is over active and hypthyroid is under active. So, hypomanic seems weird to me. I’ve never been full manic, I don’t think... Full mania often includes delusions, hallucinations, etc.. Never had either of those, thankfully. 

My Mom has delusions.....the thought of ever dealing with delusions makes me feel physically ill. Her delusions ruined a large portion of my childhood. She felt that she had an “alien family”, would tell stories about them. Their names, what the looked like. Drew pictures of them. Thought they were sending messages to her. Talked about being on the space ship. She would get into very heated arguments with anyone that doubted her. Often, my Dad or brother. She would get it in her head that people have done things they haven’t done and get really pissed off at them. I remember when I was maybe 12 or 13, my best friend at the time was helping me clean my room. Later, my pet frog died. My Mom got it in her head that my friend sprayed the frog with cleaner to kill it........banned her from coming over and me from being friends with her for quite a while. There we other things I won’t discuss, that she felt happened to her. Then, when she was younger, she told me about one time she had a bat (I think it was a bat?), standing over my brother Neil when he was a child, felt someone wanted her to kill him, then she snapped out of it. Another time, when I was a child, she and my Dad and I were staying at Circus Circus hotel in Reno Nevada.. The middle of the night, she felt someone told her to take the lamp and break out the window and jump. She didn’t do it, but that was scary to hear about when you’re 6 years old. I was told all sorts of crap as a small child that I shouldn’t have heard about until I got older. 

I’ve blogged before about my childhood. It wasn’t ALL bad. I have a few good memories. Times when noone was fighting, everyone was happy. Sometimes we’d play croquet. Watch a movie together. Talk about memories or random things and have a good laugh. Occasionally play monopoly or a card game. I just wish those things happened more than the bad things, you know? I miss the good times. I miss having my family together.. Dad, Mom, both brothers. I only have one brother left now, and we are not as close as i’d like. He doesn’t have long distance, so I get that he can’t call often, but he had a cell phone for a while and he could have called me. I’m the only one to call. Sadly, I don’t call often. It’s hard for me sometimes, to talk to him. Because it’s always the same stuff. Everytime I talk to him, I hope to hear of some progress he’s made. Get a job, or see a doctor and apply for disability. Something! But he does nothing to improve his life. He lived on Mom’s money until she died and now he’s living off my aunt’s money. WHAT is he going to do when she dies or simply stops supporting him? I fear he will come to me wanting a place to live and money for his beer and cigarettes. That will be a difficult but strong no. I can’t have anyone else living here anyway. But aside from that, I remember what it was like to live with him and my family. Always negative. Messy. Love to argue. Stick his nose in my business (He did this with Sierra last time he visited). I remember times he put holes in walls, as a kid he’d get mad and pull his fist back with an F-ed up look on his face like he was going to punch me. No F-ing way!!! I love him, I want to best for him, but I can’t do it. If it makes me a bad person, i’m sorry. My therapist advised me to distance myself from him at least until he gets his shit together. Too much stress on me. He doesn’t give a crap about me anyway. I’ve invited him over so many times. I also asked him to give me away at my wedding, close to the time of the wedding he claimed his car was giving him trouble and he could make it. At least two people offered to bring him, one offered to let him borrow her car, and nope....obviously didn’t want to be there. That hurt. He later mentioned not wanting to leave his cats alone. Yeah. 

I still had a good wedding. Best friends and some family. I had my cousin Alissa, on my Mom side in the wedding, so glad she was part of my special day. :) And then my uncle Robert and his wife showed up during the reception, and I was SO happy to see them!! Having Robert there was the closest thing to having my Dad there. He’s his brother, and reminds me of him in some ways. 

Uggh, I don’t wanna wrap these gifts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol