#also. do you ever forget you have ptsd and then all of a sudden it’s like okay hold on why did everything go to shit. and then it’s like oh

[dancedance-resolution]

experiencing The Horrors ©️

[springtyme]

𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐖𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐀 𝐁𝐚𝐛𝐲 ♡

afab!reader x König, Ghost, Price, Gaz, & Soap

warnings: Allusions to sex/sexual themes, some angst but mostly fluff, König picks reader up, unplanned pregnancy, references to Simon's past (I've tried to keep it very vague cause that is a really rough topic), implied ptsd, mention of painful (IUD-related) period cramps (18+ mdni!)

word count: 5k

part two

König ♡

Your hands instinctively find their way to König’s hair, as the kiss deepens, tangling your fingers in the soft strands as the intensity of the moment increases and the atmosphere around you grows more and more steamy. Despite your wish to fully emerge yourself in the euphoric feeling, something in the back of your mind keeps nagging at you.    

You have all evening had an underlying feeling that you have forgotten something, but without being able to figure out what, but as König’s hand starts to wander downwards, grabbing a handful of your arse it dawns on you. 

Condoms. You forgot to pick up condoms earlier…  

You have recently gotten your IUD removed, due to heavy period cramps. You had hoped and believed that it would get better over time but it had seemed like you had been one of the unlucky ones for whom it just didn’t get any better. 

You don’t regret your decision, your last period was way less painful than before, but after being on contraceptives and in a committed relationship for so long, you have still not gotten back into the habit of buying condoms again.     

“Fuck…” You groan out as you curse yourself out for your forgetfulness. 

 “What’s the matter, meine Liebe?" 

You sigh as you bury your face into his broad chest. He gently strokes your back and holds you closer. Taking a deep breath, you lift your head and meet his concerned gaze. “I forgot to pick up condoms earlier," you admit, your voice filled with frustration. “We're all out, and I didn't even realise until now.”

König's face softens, understanding the reason for your sudden frustration. He gently cups your face in his hands, his eyes filled with love and reassurance. “It's alright, Schatzi," he says, his voice calming. “We'll manage,” he lets out a low chuckle. “Besides, I'm skilled with my hands and mouth, no?”

You let out a sound, somewhere between a sigh and a chuckle, at his words. He is, truely, very skilled. But you have to admit that you haven’t been able to stop thinking about having him inside of you, to have him ravish you with his cock, all day. You’re currently ovulating, and like always, when you’re at this point of your cycle, your hornyness-level increases immensely.  

“Yes, you are skilled, my love,” you assure him, “Very skilled, I had just hoped that I would have been able to ride you tonight without worrying about you cumming inside me. You confess, “I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all day,” you feel a tiny bit embarrassed by your blunt confession - but only a tiny bit. You don’t think that you ever could feel truly embarrassed about confessing anything like that to him, you are too comfortable with him, too secure in your relationship for that. That is one of the most beautiful things about your relationship with König. He makes you feel so loved and seen and protected. The way he can look at you and make you feel like you’re the only woman in the world.         

You feel how he squeezes you a little tighter by your confession, but also how his bulge hardens even more by your words. The burning fire that has been smouldering in your abdomen the entire day is now fully ablaze, and you feel how your pulse is throbbing between your legs. 

The thought of bouncing on König’s cock, of having his mouth buried between your legs, of having him on top of you, of cuming on his cock as he fills you up till you’re leaking with his release, infiltrates your mind.  

“I’m not going to lie, that would have been nice to do, Schatz,” he says and you can only agree.  

But before you can voice your agreement, König continues, his voice filled with a mix of vulnerability and determination.“Would it be so bad if we said screw it and did it anyway?” 

Surprised by his suggestion, you pause, unsure of how to respond. The idea of not using protection has not been something you have seriously considered before. Curiosity gets the better of you, and you ask him, “What are you thinking?”

He takes a deep breath, his eyes filled with a mix of nerves and excitement as he meets your gaze. “I've been thinking a lot lately… Well, I have actually been thinking for a while now and I realised that I would really like to have a baby with you. That I’m ready to start a family together,” " he confesses, his eyes never leaving yours. 

His words catch you a little off guard, and you feel a flurry of emotions rushing through you. The idea of becoming parents together is not something you have discussed yet, you take a moment to gather your thoughts before responding, “Having a baby is a big decision.” 

“I know and I know that we haven’t talked or planned for this, and it may not be the ideal situation or timing, but… I can't help but want it, and I don’t know… this just feels like maybe it’s a sign.”

You're taken aback by König's revelation, a mix of surprise and uncertainty washing over you. However, his unwavering gaze and the love in his voice give you a sense of comfort and reassurance.

“I've seen how amazing you are with children,” he continues, his voice filled with warmth. “And I can't think of anyone else I'd want to start a family with. We may not have planned for it now, but I can’t help but want it.”

His words touch your heart, and you find yourself considering the idea. Despite the initial shock, a part of you has always known that you wanted to start a family with König, despite the two of you not having had a serious conversation about it yet. 

As you take a moment to collect your thoughts, you realise that this situation could be an opportunity to grow together, to embark on a new chapter in your lives. You look into König's eyes, a mix of hope and determination shining within them.

Now that it’s said out loud, and you have seen the want and longing in Königs eyes, the idea of starting a family with him seems right, downright logical. 

“Maybe you're right,” you say, a smile tugging at the corners of your lips. “Maybe it is a sign.”

König’s face lights up with joy, relief evident in his expression. He pulls you closer, his strong arms enveloping you with love and excitement. “Wirklich?!” His eyes now shining with unshed tears of joy. 

“Yes, my love, really.” You grin up at him, before letting out a surprised shriek as you’re suddenly lifted from the ground.

König’s spinning you around as he lets out a deep laugh of pure excitement. You feel how tears start to form in your own eyes. You lock your legs around his torso as he finally stops spinning, your hands cupping his cheeks and your gaze finding his again.  

“You really want a baby with me?” He whispers, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, the air filled with a thick tenderness. 

“I do,” you assure him, before kissing him softly. “Let’s make a baby.” You whisper into his lips.   

Ghost ♡

This isn’t happening…  

This can’t be happening. 

Simon doesn’t even know how to describe what he is feeling. Is shock a feeling? It doesn’t really matter–a feeling or not–shock is the only thing that he is feeling after the words have left your mouth. Or maybe, in reality, he is feeling so much all at once that shock is the only thing his overstimulated brain can register. 

Simon has been in situations that would leave any other person in a state of paralysing shell shock, more times than he will ever be able to count, but he always finds himself able to push through it, but not this time. No, this is about the most petrified he has been in years.   

His mind is running a hundred miles an hour and has gone completely blank at the same time as he tries to process what you just told him. He finally manages to pull himself somewhat out of his trance and his eyes finally find yours again. 

The look on your face pains him, and what pains him, even more, is the knowledge that he is the reason that you are pulling that face. His instincts, the protective side of him, scream to take you into his arms and comfort you but he is still too paralysed by the situation to do so.   

“Ar-are you sure?” He manages to say, his voice cracking. He sounds uncharacteristically frail, the usual husky gruff  of his voice weakened. 

“I took three tests, Simon…” You say.  

He just nods as the reality of the situation fully hits him, he feels how his heart sinks as he absorbs the weight of your words. The room feels suffocating, as if the walls are closing in on him. He takes a shaky breath, desperately attempting to maintain the little composure he had managed to gain.

“And you really want to keep it..?” He hates how the words sound as soon as they leave his mouth. You don’t deserve this reaction, but he had never thought he would be in this situation. 

It has always been a secret wish of his, a wish he knew he never would be deserving of getting granted. It would be too pure, too good for someone like him. But it has not kept him from secretly dreaming about it. All those late nights over the years when he has laid in his bunk on employment and couldn’t sleep, with no distractions other than his own head. On nights like those, he has let his mind wander, let his imagination run wild, and dreamt about it. Something wholesome and good, so different from the stress and terrors that come with his line of work. 

On the worst nights when the nightmares keep him up or the adrenaline just won’t leave his body and let him get any rest, he lets himself indulge in the fantasy. It used to be more vague, but after he had met you they got clearer, more evident, almost tangible, which had scared the shit out of him. The fantasy of someday having a family of his own, of getting a chance to do everything right, of doing it differently from how he grew up himself.

But that was all it ever was, all it ever could be, a fantasy… How could it ever be anything else?! How could someone like him ever be a good dad?  It was a thing that might not be that unrealistic of a wish if he was anyone else but himself. 

He is too broken for that, has seen and experienced too much fucked up shit, and committed too many sins. But, fuck, now that it is actually within reach actually a real possibility he can’t help but yearn for it, even though it scares him shitless.        

“I know that we have never discussed this and that it was nowhere near planned and I’m sorry if this fucks up everything between us but…” You trail off, nervously fidgeting with your sleeve, your eyes have left him, as you chew on as you take a shaky breath as if you’re gathering courage to continue, “I think I want this, Simon,” you finally say, your voice low and shaky, close to a whisper, but you take another breath, this one deep and certain, as you again lock your eyes with his, “I want this baby, Simon.”  

Your eyes shine with a certainty that sends a rush through Simon’s entire body. You want this baby… His baby. It is like the entire world stops, a whirlwind of emotions runs through him in this moment and he can’t deny it anymore. He wants it too. He wants this baby, to become a family, to be the man that he always secretly has dreamed of being.

“I want it too,” He is still trembling slightly but a tone of determination has returned to his voice. 

“You do..?” Your voice close to a whisper, but a hopeful tone lacing the unsurety.        

“Yes,” and he does, he really does. “I want to be a family.” 

“Really?”    

“Yes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m scared shitless, but I do want this, sweetheart,” he reaches out a trembling hand towards you, wanting to offer some form of comfort, and to reassure you that he means what he is saying,  “I really do.” 

“I love you, Simon,” your beautiful eyes now shining with happy tears, “so, so much.” 

“I love you too.” His protective instincts fully resurfacing, overriding his initial fear. He pulls you into a tender embrace, holding you tightly against his chest. “And I already love our kid too,” he adds, as he squeezes you a little tighter, protectively holding you in his strong arms. You and the child you’re barring, his child.      

His own father had fucked him up so severely, taken so much from him, but this is not something his father will be able to take. As terrified and scared as he might be Simon knows, in this moment with you in his arms, that he will do everything to not become his father and that he will do anything to keep you and your unborn child safe, that he will make sure that they will grow up to know nothing but love and security and that he will do everything in his power to make sure that you never are gonna regret having him as the father of your child.      

Simon's heart swells with a newfound determination. He knows it won't be easy, that there will be challenges and sacrifices along the way, but he is ready to face them head-on. He has spent years battling his demons and overcoming his past, and now he has a reason to fight even harder - for you, for his family.

Price ♡

As you sit across from John in your usually so cosy living room, you can't help but notice the nervous energy radiating from him. You’ve noticed a change in your husband's behaviour lately, and it's left you feeling puzzled and a bit concerned. John’s been acting distant, withdrawn and  you can't help but worry that something might be wrong with him, that there might be something he isn’t telling you which is so out of character for him.

Unable to bear the uncertainty any longer you take in a deep breath, you have been gathering up the courage all day to confront him. 

“Jonathan?” You say, voice close to a whisper, but still strong enough to be heard clearly. He removes his eyes from his book, in which he has been staring down into for the last thirty minutes without turning a page, seemingly without reading a single word.  “Is everything okay? You seem different lately, and it’s been making me worried. Can you please tell me what’s going on?” 

His gaze shifts between you and the floor. Sensing that something important is about to be revealed, you lean in closer, waiting for him to speak. 

John hesitates for a moment, his eyes filled with a mix of emotions. “I'm sorry for acting distant. It's just that... I've been feeling nervous about something important, and I didn't know how to bring it up."

Your heart races as you anxiously wait for him to continue. "What is it?" you ask, a mixture of anticipation and concern in your voice.

“Darling,” he begins, his voice filled with both excitement and trepidation. He takes a deep breath, gathering his thoughts before continuing. “I've been thinking a lot lately, about our future, about the life we’ve built together."

Your heart skips a beat, you feel a little pang of fear in your chest but you’re also curious to know where he’s going with this. “What is it, John?” you ask, your voice filled with anticipation.

“love, I think I want to try for a baby.”

The words hang in the air for a moment, and your mind races to process the magnitude of what he's just said. A rush of emotions floods through you – surprise, joy, and a hint of uncertainty. You’ve dreamt of having a family with John, but the thought of bringing a child into the world amidst the challenges and uncertainties of his military career has always given you pause.

You take a moment to collect your thoughts, reaching out to hold his hand for support. "John, I…" you begin, your voice filled with a mix of emotions. "I've always imagined us having a family, but I worry about the dangers you face, the time we'd have to spend apart."

John's grip on your hand tightens, his eyes filled with determination. "I understand your concerns, darling, and they are valid. But we've faced countless challenges together, and we’ve  always persevered. I believe we can navigate this journey too."

His words resonate deep within you, reminding you of the strength and resilience you both possess. You find yourself nodding, a smile tugging at your lips. “You're right, John. We have overcome so much, and I believe we can face this too.”

The relief and joy that washes over John’s face is palpable. He pulls you into a warm embrace, holding you tightly as if never wanting to let go. “Thank you, darling,” he whispers, his voice filled with gratitude. “I promise, I'll do everything in my power to protect our family, to be there for you and our future child.”

In this moment, as you hold each other tightly, you realise that together, you can face anything that comes your way. The journey ahead will be filled with uncertainties, but with love as your anchor, you know that you and John are ready to embark on this new adventure – the adventure of parenthood, embracing the joys and challenges that lie ahead, hand in hand.

Together, you begin to discuss your hopes, dreams, and plans for the future. And as the evening unfolds, you find solace in the knowledge that love, support, and a shared vision will guide you through whatever lies ahead on this new and exciting path.

Gaz ♡

You wake up to the sound of your alarm blaring in your ears. Groggily, you reach over to turn it off, but as you do, you feel a sense of excitement bubbling within you. Today is the day Kyle is coming home from deployment for a short visit. It has been months since you last saw him, and the anticipation of seeing him again fills you with a mix of nervousness and pure joy.

You get ready quickly, making sure everything is perfect for his arrival. The butterflies in your stomach flutter wildly as you make your way to the airport. Finally, you spot Kyle standing amongst the sea of people, his eyes scanning the crowd. As soon as he sees you, a wide smile spreads across his handsome face, and you can't help but match his enthusiasm. You run towards each other, embracing tightly, cherishing this precious moment as you kiss each other deeply.

Over the next few days, you spend every moment together, catching up on all the missed conversations and stolen kisses. It feels like time has stood still, and the world revolves solely around the two of you. But one evening, as you're cuddled up on the couch, a casual conversation takes an unexpected turn.

Kyle's arm is wrapped around your shoulder, his voice low and comforting as he recounts some of the experiences he had while deployed. He talks about the sacrifices made and the hardships endured, his eyes filled with a mix of sadness and determination. In a moment of vulnerability, he accidentally says, "I hope our kids never have to go through any of that."

You freeze, the weight of his words hanging heavily in the air. The two of you have never discussed having children before, and the mention of it catches you off guard. mind races, trying to process his words. You turn to face him, searching his eyes for answers.

Kyle’s eyes widens with embarrassment as he realises what he just said. You can tell that he hadn’t meant to blurt out his thoughts so suddenly. He takes a deep breath, gathering his thoughts before he speaks. “I’m sorry, I've just been thinking a lot about thre future lately, you know, about what I want in life and all. And despite our age, despite everything going on, I can't help but imagine a family with you.” Kyle confesses,  reaching out, his hand gently caressing yours. “I don't want to rush anything. But I want you to know that I genuinely see a future with you. I can't imagine a life without you by my side.”

His honesty touches your heart, and you can’t help but smile, feeling a warmth spread throughout your body. You take his hand in yours, intertwining your fingers, the sudden image of a beautiful little baby with Kyle’s eyes looking up at you is filling your head, “Kyle, I honestly never imagined having this conversation now, but I can’t deny that the idea of starting a family with you is really tempting. We may be young, but if we’re together, I believe we can face anything.”

Kyle’s face lights up with relief and happiness. He pulls you closer, his embrace tighter than before. In that moment, you both realise that the love between you knows no limits, and that sometimes, life has a way of surprising you when you least expect it.

You know that this unexpected conversation has opened the door to a new chapter in your relationship, one that holds the promise of a beautiful future.

Soap ♡

You sink into the soft pillows with a content sigh, getting comfortable under the soft covers. You and Johnny had attended a family gathering at his parent’s house and now that you’re finally home and in bed you begin to reminisce about the day, recalling your favourite moments,  the cheerful atmosphere that had filled the air,  the delicious home cooked food and all the laughs and easy going conversations. 

But one conversation had taken you a little aback, a comment made by one of Johnny’s relatives had stuck with you. You know that it had been meant in good humour but it had weighed on you. You had tried to push it aside but now that you’re home the words keep ringing through your mind. You ponder over what had been said to you but you’re pulled out of your thoughts as the bedroom door creaks open. 

Johnny enters the room, a gentle smile on his face. In his hands, he holds a glass of cool, refreshing water. He knows you well, understands the little things that bring you comfort. A wider smile appears on his face as he approaches the bed and offers you the glass, his blue eyes filled with tenderness and care as he lets out a low laugh. “Can’t believe Rob’s having another boy!”  He gently shakes his head from side to side. You had learned earlier in the day that Johnny was having yet another nephew.  

You take the water from him, feeling the coolness of the glass against your palm as you smile up at him. The gesture touches your heart, a reminder of his thoughtfulness and love. Taking a sip of the water, you feel a sense of rejuvenation wash over you, as if his kindness has quenched not only your physical thirst but also your emotional weariness.

As you set the glass aside, Johnny slips into bed beside you, his presence a soothing balm to your soul. You snuggle closer to him, feeling the warmth of his body radiating against your skin. His touch is gentle, his embrace a source of comfort and security.

 “Yeah, seems like boys just run in the family.” You smile up at him.  

Johnny chuckles and jokingly comments, “You know, I think mam secretly hoped it would be a girl this time. I think she's secretly always wanted a wee girl to spoil since she only got sons.” 

“Well, Hannah seemed rather serious when she told me that this kid will be their last.” You chuckle as you recall the conversation you had had earlier with Johnny’s sister in law. But the topic also again makes you recall the comment said to you earlier by Johnny’s aunt. 

It had been amidst the cheerful atmosphere, when the news about Rob and Hannah expecting another boy had broken. The news seemed to ripple through the room, prompting everyone to offer their congratulations. You couldn't help but notice a sly smile from Johnny's aunt as she turned to you and said, "Well, now it's up to you and Johnny to bring a baby girl into the family!"

You had blinked from surprise, caught off guard by her comment. The weight of her words settled on your shoulders as you realised that the expectation for a future child had somehow fallen on you and Johnny. You had looked over at him, he was in the other end of the living room playing with his two young nephews. You couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of love and admiration for him by the sight of them. Seeing him interact with those little boys, his blue eyes twinkling with joy and his deep laughter filling the air. But you also felt very  put on the spot. "I... uh," you had stammered, searching for the right words. "We haven't really talked about all that yet."

Aunt Maggie chuckled softly, patting your arm. "Well, dear, there's no rush. But I'm sure everyone here would love to have a wee lass in the family someday and I’m sure you and Johnny would do a great job."

Her words had lingered in your mind for the rest of the day. You didn’t know if you should mention it to Johnny or not, you have no idea how he will react. But now as the two of you are in the secure atmosphere of your own bedroom you think that you might should. 

You take a deep breath, gathering the courage to bring up the topic that has been weighing on your mind all day. As you snuggle closer to Johnny, feeling the warmth of his embrace, you softly say, "Johnny, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

He looks at you with concern in his eyes, sensing the seriousness of your tone. "What is it, love?" he asks gently, his fingers tracing soothing circles on your back.

You hesitate for a moment, unsure of how to begin. Finally, you gather your thoughts and speak from your heart. "It’s just… Maighread made a comment about us having a baby girl to balance out all the boys…” 

Johnny's eyes widen slightly, surprise evident on his face. He takes a moment to process your words

"Wait, she really said that?" Johnny's surprise is evident on his face as he takes a moment to process your words. He gently moves closer to you, his fingers still tracing soothing circles on your back. “I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable, love. I guess my family has a tendency to be a little too brash sometimes.” He says in an apologetic tone.

“It’s okay, I love your family, it just caught me a little off guard I guess,” you assure him, placing your palm on his cheek, gently stoking your thumb over the rough stubbles of his beard. A long silence breaks out between you, both absorbing what had just been said between you.  

But Johnny finally breaks the silence. “It isn’t a terrible thought though," he whispers, his voice filled with a mixture of excitement, nerves and tenderness.

You pause for a moment, taking in Johnny's words, honesty and vulnerability shines from his eyes. 

“No, it isn’t,” you finally say, finally letting yourself imagine it without any sense of fear or doubt about what Johnny would think of it. The idea of him holding a little girl, makes a smile tug at the corner of your mouth, and you suddenly feel like you’re about to cry. Just earlier today the idea seemed scary to you since you and Johnny never have talked about children, but now as you look into his eyes, your smile mirrored on his face, you aren’t that scared anymore.  

“It’s actually a little weird that she said that, because earlier when I was playing with Noah and Oliver I couldn’t help but imagine us having a wean of our own… It’s actually something I’ve been thinking about for a while now..." 

Your heart skips a beat at his confession, the weight of his words sinking in. You can see the sincerity in his eyes, and a wave of emotions washes over you. “Really?” you ask softly, your voice filled with a mix of joy and curiosity. “You want a baby with me..?”

“Yeah, I really do, love," he says softly. 

"I think I would like that,” you say, your voice filled with sincerity. Johnny smiles, his eyes reflecting his love for you. 

You lean in and press a gentle kiss to his lips, feeling the connection between you deepen. In that moment, you both know that this conversation is just the beginning of a new chapter in your lives. It's a chapter filled with love, hope, and the possibility of bringing a new life into the world. As you both cuddle in the warmth of each other's embrace, you feel a sense of peace and excitement wash over you. The weight of Aunt Maggie's comment no longer lingers heavily on your shoulders. Instead, it's been replaced with the knowledge that you and Johnny are on the same page. 

With a renewed sense of love and purpose, you close your eyes and drift off to sleep, knowing that the future holds endless possibilities for you and Johnny, both as a couple and as future parents.

Part two

[alessiathepirate]

Resident Evil 4

NIGHT TERRORS: Luis Serra x fem!reader

Summary: Waking up from a nightmare and feeling afraid isn't easy get through - unless you have someone who can comfort you.

Notes: English isn't my first language. I apologize for any mistake I made while I wrote this short story.

My Spanish is horrible, so I apologize if something isn't written the way it should be written or if the word is used in the wrong context.

Warnings: swearing, references to PTSD, hurt/comfort

•••

Her eyes snapped open as she sat up quickly, almost rolling of the bed while doing so. Her forehead was shining from drops of sweat, her legs were shaking from fear. With her heart pounding faster than usual she looked around the still dark room and when she recognized it as her own, she tried her best to calm down and settle her heartbeat and breathing back to normal.

Nightmares like this weren't anything new, she got used to it by now, but it didn't mean they got less scary or uncomfortable. She woke up like this many times, late at night or at dawn finding herself unable to go back to sleep.

She pulled her legs up to her chest, hugged them and rested her head on her knees. She closed her eyes and let out a long breath.

Ever since Spain the nightmares became worse and worse. She was already a mess during the night before the events there, but now it sometimes became unbearable. Too many horrible events accured in Spain while looking for Ashley Graham with Leon. Too many close calls, too many wounds that scarred. Too many accidents involving almost loosing a loved one.

The last one was the worst and with that was the main plot of her night terrors. She often envied the people who can forget these kind of things easily, the people who can let go. She can't.

" 'Everything all right, cariño?" the voice sounded sleepy, but was gentle regardless. Her heart jumped at the sudden noise as it broke the silence, but immediately settled back down when she recognized who it belonged to.

"Yeah, it was just a nightmare."

Sometimes it was still weird, knowing she's not alone and knowing she isn't sleeping alone in her bed. It was also comforting, really comforting - especially when the person she was dreaming about, the person she lost in her dream started to draw gentle circles into her back, then into her shoulder blades.

She heard movements and then felt a presence next to her. Luis sat up and put his right arm around her, using the other to make her look at him while also being as tender as possible. She looked at him, examined all of his features and gestures, trying to memorize the way his lips are moving and the way his eyes are shining.

He was all right, he was next to her and they were far-far away from Spain.

"Do you want to talk about it, querida?"

She hid her face in his neck and closed her eyes, enjoying the way he feels and the way he smells. It felt nice - having someone for comfort like this, a lover who hugs her and talks to her softly.

"I dreamt that I lost you." she said quickly, wanting to get the sentence out as fast as possible to get through the pain it brought. "I don't want to loose you."

"You didn't loose me, cariño, I'm here thanks to you. I owe you my life." his grip on her tightened and she pressed a kiss to his neck.

"You helped me get the damned plaga out of me and the others. We are even."

He brushed some hair out of her face and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Do you want to get back to sleep?"

"I just wanna lay down with you." she started, then quickly added: "Please, corazón?"

He let out a small laugh before lying down with her, making sure she was as close to him as possible.

"Your Spanish improved."

"Yeah, it had to improve. I didn't understand half the things you called me."

"I can always translate it to you if you ask."

She just chuckled. "Yeah, the last time I asked what something meant you lied to me."

They left it at that and just laid there close to the other. She rested her head on Luis's chest while she caressed his shoulder. Meanwhile, he continued to draw patterns into her skin where her shirt didn't cover her back.

Her uneven breathing finally settled down and the only reason her heart was beating faster than it should, was the fact that Luis was the one lying next to her. It was nice to experience how tamed and actually romantic he could be when he was with her. Sure, his flirting was still there sometimes and the pet names he called her were getting out of hand, but now she wasn't just a señorita.

Her hand touched the scar on his chest, what got there when the plaga was removed. She loved that scar, even if it brought back some unwanted memories. The scar meant that without Luis she and her companions would've never got out of Spain alive. It meant that he was a good guy even if he acted like the man her mother warned her about. To Hell with her warning, nothing in the world will take this man away from her.

The scar also made her remember that he has another one on his back. It's still a darker shade of red and it'll never heal perfectly. The wound was way too deep for it to look like a tiny cut. That damn scar was the reason she had nightmares about loosing him. That was the reason why she was afraid to look at the other side of the bed in the morning, afraid that she'll see no one, afraid that she'll have to realize Luis is dead.

Sometimes she thought about what would've happened if she wasn't there with them - with Luis and Leon - that day. The knife Krauser threw made a nasty wound and when he pulled the piece of metal out, her lover was very close to dying - either from blood loss or from pain. She didn't even dare to think about it.

She climbed closer to Luis and hugged him tighter. She shouldn't think about 'what if's. To put and end to her train of thought, she kissed the scar he had on his chest.

"Thank you." she whispered.

"For what?"

"For being here with me."

"You should say a thank you for yourself as well, querida. You were a real nice doctor."

"Yeah, I managed to keep the ladies' man alive."

"I was only your man long before that."

"Yes, you were." she said with a small, happy smile, not even trying to hide it from him. "I was probably the only woman your flirting was working on." she teased.

"I achieved my goal, it seems."

Her cheeks became a lighter shade of pink, the thoughts about 'what if's long forgotten. He succedded in comforting her and making her forget about the fear she felt after she woke up.

She leaned up to give him a kiss, doing her best to put an honest thank you and I love you into it. Then she closed her eyes and let the soft patterns, what he was still drawing into her skin, put her back to sleep, this time being a hundred percent sure he'll be next to her when she wakes up.

[falcqns]

Hii,

Chenford prompt + 3x01 Tim takes Lucy home

you took a part of me (could you leave it?)

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Tim Bradford x Lucy Chen

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: After coming face to face with Rosalind, Tim decides Lucy shouldn't be alone, so he takes her home.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: references to Day of Death (kidnapping, near death experience), PTSD, trauma, happy ending I promise Natasha, fluff at the end, love confessions. tagging @natashasera as usual!!

don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

Tim knew that Lucy being face to face with Rosalind was a bad idea. He knew that Rosalind was going to try something, which is why he was so frustrated whenLucy insisted, stating “if I can’t handle talking to Rosalind when she’s locked in a cage, then I shouldn’t be a cop.” Because, the thing is, he knew she could handle it, to his face at least. But he also knew that meant she shouldn’t have to handle it.

She shouldn’t have to be face to face with the person behind the worst thing she had ever gone through. The person who is the reason she can’t get tattoo’s, takes the stairs whenever she can, never goes out drinking after shift, and has basically given up on finding love. While Caleb did the dirty work, Rosalind was behind it all, and she sat there knowing that Lucy slowly dying in the barrel, and enjoying it. As far as he was concerned, Rosalind didn’t even deserve to be walking the same earth as his Lucy did, much less breathing the same air as her.

But Lucy, eve this stubborn and determined boot, with her knowledge of psychology and how the brain works, was determined to move past this, and work through the trauma. And Tim knew that there was nothing that he could do to deter her once she had her mind set to something. So, he didn’t answer her, but lead her out to the shop, and towards the prison where Rosalind was living out her life.

As soon as they came face to face with Rosalind, Tim immediately regretted letting Lucy anywhere near the psychopath. And it wasn’t anything Lucy did, nor Rosalind. In fact, they didn’t do anything but stare at each other. No, it was Tim. He had a sudden urge to plant a bullet between Rosalind’s eyes, an urge he had never experienced before, with anyone. He wanted to hurt Rosalind just as she’d hurt Lucy, and then take Lucy as far away from this prison as he could. But, as much as he wanted to, he knew he couldn’t. They had a job to do.

“You know,” Rosalind said, breaking the silence. “I am so impressed with you.” Tim swallowed, squeezing his duty belt to stop himself from strangling her. “The way you handled what was so obviously a very traumatic experience…” she said, eyeing Lucy like she was a piece of meat and nothing more. “It’s inspiring.” “Thanks,” Lucy replied instantly, face blank. Tim knew better. He knew under that strong stoic front, that she was scared. Despite his resistance to sharing her psychology knowledge with him, he knew about micro expressions and whether she knew it or not, her micro expressions were betraying her. She was scared.

“That means a lot, coming from you.” Lucy snarked, and Tim had to bite his lip to stop himself from laughing. It was not the time to laugh, not when they were standing in front of a serial killer. Behind bars or not, she was still dangerous, and Tim was not going to let Lucy get hurt on his watch ever again.

“Wow,” Rosalind said, staring into Lucy’s should. “So defiant.”

Tim immediately cut her off. “Let’s stick to Nolan.” He said, trying to draw Rosalind’s attention away from Lucy.

“Just like you were when the lid came down on that barrel.” She said with an evil smirk. “It must have driven Caleb crazy, denying him the fear he so desperately wanted to see in you.”

Tim stood motionless with horror. She knew. Somehow, she knew exactly what happened in that barrel.

Things that Jackson and John, Lucy’s closest friends didn’t even know. Things he only knew because he forced himself to watch the video while Lucy was sleeping one night. Lucy had lived it, the least he could do was sit there and watch what she went through so he knew the horrors she had experienced because he had told her to go out that night.

“How-“ Lucy began, voice shaky.

“Do I know that?” Rosalind finished. Tim breathed in through his nose deeply, trying to calm his anger. This was supposed to be a quick conversation. They’d ask questions about Detective Armstrong, and they’d leave. They leave and they don’t add more trauma to Lucy’s already overflowing pile.

“You think the camera in the barrel was for Caleb?” Rosalind asked, her hands gripping the bars.

“Don’t!” Tim snapped, finally tearing his eyes away from Rosalind. “Don’t listen to her Chen, she’s just playing mind games.”

She was not going to hurt Lucy. Tim was not going to let her hurt the only light in his dark world. He couldn’t let that happen; not again. That month without Lucy beside him in the shop on shift was hell. He needed her more than he needed oxygen. She was his sunshine, and no one was ever going to take her away, ever again.

But, it seemed Rosalind had other plans. “Oh I am totally playing mind games, but I am not lying.” She said, eyes falling back to Lucy.

And then, before Tim could stop her, Rosalind began to sing the song that haunted Tim’s nightmares since he’d watched the tape.

“Stars shining bright above you, Night breezes seem to whisper I love you,”

Tim side glanced at Lucy, but she managed to keep her cool.

“Birds singing in the sycamore tree…” Lucy looked down, and Tim knew he had to get her out of there.

“Knock it off!” Tim said loudly, and he finally made eye contact with Rosalind.

“Ahhh, the fierce protector.” She drawled.

“We’re done here.” He snapped, looking only at Rosalind. he no longer cared about anything Rosalind had to say about Armstrong, or Nolan. They’d prove Nolan’s innocence some other way, but Lucy’s mental health was not worth spending another second in that room. “Lets go.” ——

They do end up proving Nolan’s innocence, and they’re sent home. Tim had never thought he’d be more grateful for the end of shift. He wanted to get Lucy home, and help her anyway he can. On their way to change out for the night, Tim somehow manages to convince her to let him drive her home. “You shouldn’t be alone right now.” He’d said. Rosalind just mocked your biggest trauma, so as much as you think that you can handle it on your own, I’m going to help you through it.”

She’d reluctantly agreed, and followed him to his truck, her feet dragging, pace sluggish. Tim knew she was tired, but didn’t realize just how exhausted she was until they were in the elevator, going down to their level of the parking garage and he got a good look at his rookie.

She was barely standing, gripping onto the sides of the elevator with both hands, her eyes closed, and a crease in her brows. The old elevator jolted slightly, and Tim watched as her eyes shot open in terror, filling with tears as as they glazed over. She whimpered, her eyes searching for Tim, and immediately reached out for him, arms outstretched, lip jutting out slightly as tears began rolling down her cheeks.

Tim wasted no time in wrapping her up in his arms. He held her as tight as he possibly could without hurting her, and didn’t let go until the elevator made it to the correct floor, and the doors opened.

“You’re okay,” he whispered. his arms didn’t let go of her, but he readjusted his grip on her, to make it easier for the both of them to walk to his truck. “You’re safe, I’ve got you.” He repeated the same words the entire walk to his vehicle.

Once they made it to his trick, Lucy was reluctant to let go of Tim. He opened the door for her, and helped her in, but her hands gripped onto his arms tight when he tried to pull away from her. “Shhh,” he soothed, as she cried out. “I’m not going anywhere, okay, Goosey?” He said quietly, using her nickname, which made her calm slightly, her grip loosening on Tim’s forearms. “I’m just going to close the door so that I can go to my side of the truck and get in. I’m not going to leave you.” She nodded, sniffling as tears continued to run down her face, but she eventually released Tim, letting him close her door. He walked around the front of the truck deliberately, so Lucy could keep her eyes on him. He climbed into his side of the truck, and after the engine roared to life, they were off, heading towards Tim’s house.

Just after they pulled out of the Mid Wilshire Station parking garage, Lucy reached out for Tim’s hand, her own hand shaking as she did so. Tim immediately gave it to her. He squeezed her hand three times as he continued to drive, and he smiled as he saw her smile out of the corner of his eye.

He had been holding her hand and squeezing it three times since he pulled her out of that barrel. He had no idea where he got the idea to do that, but when Lucy was coming out of a seizure while in the back of the ambulance, she began to cry and reach out for Tim, but Tim couldn’t lift her up and hold her in his lap like he desperately wanted to, all he could do was hold onto her hand, and squeeze it three times to let her know that he was there, that she was safe, and that he wasn’t going to leave her. Ever since then, it had been something that the two of them did when the other was upset or angry. It calmed them down, grounded them, and reminded them that the other person was there, that they were safe, and that the other wasn’t going to leave them or let them get hurt ever again.

Tim felt his arm be lifted, and then felt the warm, wet feeling of his hand being pressed against Lucy’s cheek. He looked over at her, and smiled, seeing that she had fully calmed down, and was just watching the world outside the windshield.

Her stomach rumbled, and she whimpered slightly, making Tim smile.

“We’re almost there.” He said. “I’ll make you dinner tonight, is there anything specific that you’d like?” He asked, and Lucy thought briefly, chewing on her lip as she did.

“Do you have veggie burgers?” She asked quietly, and Tim nodded with a smile.

“Of course I do, Luce. Is that all you want?”

Lucy shrugged. “Maybe a salad?” She suggested, and Tim nodded.

“Veggie burgers and a salad.” He said, looking at Lucy with a smile. “That I can do.”

——

Once they arrived to Tim’s home, the immediately fell into the same routine they’d had since he first brought Lucy home from the hospital. They both left their shoes at the front door, and Lucy made a pit stop in the bathroom, before heading to the living room and turning on the tv. Tim has been insistent since she came home from the hospital that when she was in his house, she was the guest, and therefore she should not be lifting a finger. That meant while Tim was making food or getting them drinks, she was sitting down, and relaxing. Like she should always be, according to Tim.

She did eventually move, joining Tim outside as he cooked the burgers on the barbecue. She didn’t say anything, just stood beside him and watched him flip the burgers every so often. Tim didn’t pay her much mind, at least until he heard a sniffle from beside him, and he looked over to see Lucy quietly crying, a frustrated look on her face. Tim placed the tongs down, and turned to look at Lucy.

“Whats wrong?” He asked quietly.

Lucy shook her head. “Nothing.” She said, her voice short.

“Well it’s clearly not nothing if it’s making you cry all over our burgers.” He half joked, but realized that joking might not have been the best idea once Lucy growled lowly and turned away to stomp into the house again.

He stopped her, grabbing onto her arm. “Hey,” he said. “I was joking Goosey.” Lucy stopped, and took a deep breath before she wrenched her arm out of his grip and stormed into the house, letting the glass door slam shut behind her. Tim turned down the heat on the barbecue, and followed her into the house.

“What’s going on?” He said calmly, stopping Lucy from storming away into the bathroom like he knew she was going to. “What set you off? If I know I can help you calm down, but I can’t do that if you don’t tell me what is going on.” He said, reciting the little speech Lucy’s therapist had told him to say when she got overstimulated or triggered.

Lucy choked out a sob, and then turned around to face Tim.

“Why are you being so nice to me!” Lucy exploded. “I couldn’t even be in the same room as Rosalind for more than five minutes without being triggered! Why are you, my hard ass TO, being so fucking nice to me instead of berating me and writing up a blue page like you’re supposed to! I’m not some fragile little princess, I don’t need protecting!” Lucy ranted, before sitting on the ground and pulling her knees up to her chest, burying her face in her knees, letting her sobs out.

Tim sighed, dragging a hand over his face. He was frustrated. Not at Lucy, he could never be frustrated at her, especially not for something like this. He was frustrated because she couldn’t see why he was doing all of this for her. It wasn’t out of pity, it wasn’t because he didn’t think she could handle what happened today, it was because she was the strongest person he knew. Which meant, she didn’t have to be strong all the time. She deserves to take a break from being the strong, badass woman that she is and let someone help her bear the pain that she had experienced. She deserves to feel happiness, to be at peace. To have a meal made by someone who loves her, and knows her as well as he did. Someone who had seen her at her worst, seizing in the back of an ambulance, and who had seen her at her best and bravest, not letting Rosalind know how she was making her feel.

She deserved the whole world, and Tim was going to stop at nothing to make sure that she got just that.

Tim sighed, and walked over to her, before sitting down next to her. He let her cry out her emotions , and as soon as she took a deep, shuttering breath in and started wiping her eyes, he began to speak.

“I’m not being nice to you and caring for you because I pity you, or I think you need protection. Because you don’t. You’ve shown me time and time again, since your very first shift that you don’t need anyone, much less me, protecting you. There is absolutely no shame in not being able to be in the same room as Rosalind, or being triggered by her. She watched as you were shoved in a barrel and left for dead after being kidnapped. That isn’t something someone just gets over in a week, and that isn’t something you should be worried I am going to pass off as no big deal. Because the truth is, you, Lucy Chen, are the strongest woman I know. I wouldn’t have survived something like that, but you did because of how strong, and how determined you are. But you don’t have to always be strong, especially around me. If you need to cry, if you need to scream, punch things break things, I’m here. If you just want me to sit with you so you can sleep knowing that you’re safe and protected, I will be there as soon as I can and will hold you all night if that’s what it takes for you to get the sleep you deserve. You deserve to be happy and to be at peace. You deserve to not have to deal with this by yourself, and that’s all I’m trying to do, okay?” He said quietly, and Lucy nodded, looking at him, a few stray tears falling from her eyes.

Lucy wiped her eyes, and Tim smiled, and he couldn’t let her sit there all sad, curled up in a ball anymore. He reached out for her, and pulled her onto his lap. He rested his back against the back of the couch, and let her settle with her chest to his chest, her head on his shoulder as he ran his fingers through her soft hair.

“Can I tell you something?” He asked. “Something that I was waiting for the end of your FTO program to say?” Lucy nodded, not moving a muscle.

Tim nodded, swallowed the lump forming in his throat, and did his best to ignore the anxiety swirling in his stomach. “Since your first day, you have been the sunshine in my dark world. You have been my source of happiness, the reason I smile, and the reason I get out of bed and continue to come to work everyday. It used to be to find Isabel, but now it’s you. That glimpse of a Lucy-less life that I got when you were missing were the worst days of my life. I did some things that I am not proud of, simply because I needed you back. I couldn’t live without you; and I think that was the moment that I realized I had fallen in love with you.” He said.

Lucy froze, before slowly sitting up and looking Tim in the eye. “Y-You’re in love with me?” She whispered.

Tim nodded, his eyes watering. “Yeah, I am. I have been for a while, I just didn’t realize what it was until you were missing and I told Angela that I had pushed you to go out that night with Caleb. That I was feeling insanely guilty, and that I should have just let you go home. She pointed out to me that I had never been this protective over any other rookie, and that’s the moment that I knew, but I didn’t let myself admit it until your seizure. The moment you reached over to me when it ended, I knew that I had fallen with the best rookie I’ve ever trained. And I understand if you don’t feel the same, but I just couldn’t have you sitting here thinking that I’m doing all this for you because I pity you or because its a part of being a TO. I’m doing this because I love you, and I need you to be okay.” He finished.

Lucy smiled, sniffling. “I love you too.” She whispered, and a smile broke out on Tim’s face, a warm feeling spreading in his chest.

“Really? You do?” He asked, and once Lucy nodded, he leant in, pressing his lips to her softly. His hands traveled down to her back, and he pulled her as close as possible to his body. They both enjoyed the soft, and love-filled kiss, until their need for oxygen became dire. They broke apart, and rested their foreheads together, smiling, both of them knowing that they were safe, with the one they loved.

“We should get back to the burgers,” Lucy whispered a moment later, and Tim nodded.

“Yeah, we should. I’m hungry, and you’re going to need that fuel for later.” He whispered, pressing a kiss to her jaw.

[maladaptive-jcb]

Chapter 8: "Home"

Jamie x female!reader

(fluff, safe for under 18)

Click here for chapter 7 if you missed it

Summary: Reader is an independent artist who lives on her own in a small town and meets Jamie, a musician, in an art studio where their budding relationship formed through shared interests of different forms of art.

Warning: There will be talks about trauma and PTSD from sexual assault, domestic abuse and dissociative episodes throughout the story.

Swimming with Jamie was something I never thought would be so enjoyable. The moment our feet touched the waters and the glance we shared before getting into it was the moment I knew that the trajectory of our bond would change from then on. For the first time in a long time, he made me feel so free. All the crashing waves and laughters we shared when we stumbled upon each other made me forget every single bad thing that haunted me. I was just... me. Not my scars. Not my trauma. It was Jamie that made this happen.

While we walk along the shoreline, fingers still intertwined, we share a peaceful silence between us. The night has fall and we're both taking the starry night and the cool breeze in. In some moments, I managed to steal a few quick glances at Jamie. Noticing the dripping water from his now-loose curls, tracing down to his inked skin illuminated by the distant campfire. It's a sight I feel exceptionally lucky to have at the moment. Of course, normally I'd be embarassed about it. Yet, I also notice Jamie doing the same. I caught a few glimpses at his longing stare down my lips whenever I try to speak. Deep in our hearts, we both knew that it's not the right time yet and I can tell that Jamie is still being cautious about it.

"This was really fun," he finally breaks the peaceful silence.

"It really was," I reply, heart filled with contentment.

"Are you ready to go back?" Jamie asks.

"Yes, let's go!" I grip his hand in mine tighter and runs towards our laid out belongings, playfully causing him to stumble forward making both of us breaking into laughter.

We dry ourselves with towels and put our clothes back on. After packing all of our stuff up, a middle-aged man approaches us with a box of roses in his hands. I turn to look at the box and it says "$2 each".

"Flowers for your lady?" he asks Jamie.

"Oh, actually we're not-" he stops himself. I turn to look at him.

"You know what, yes please," he takes a rose and proceed to hand the man some cash with a generous tip.

"Bless you, young man," the man says and continues to walk to the other crowd.

"Here. For the pretty girl," Jamie smiles and hands me the rose.

I slowly take the flower from his hand. Although I wholeheartedly like Jamie, the flirting sometimes confuse me to where we are headed. But maybe it will be okay. Maybe the uncertainty behind it is just part of the journey that will lead to something good.

"Y/n. I'm not pressuring you into anything, okay? Don't ever think that whatever I do, it's to get something out of you," he says after noticing my sudden silence.

"No, yeah. It's beautiful. Thank you, Jamie," I squeeze his hand reassuringly.

"No, thank you. For making my day," he expresses back with a thankful hug, feeling the tightness of his muscular arm around me with it.

We walk back to the car with my bag on one hand while the rose and the blanket on the other. I insist on carrying them, wanting to contribute after Jamie's perfect day planning. He eventually concedes, giving up on arguing with me. I keep shifting our stuff in my hands to balance myself and cracking more jokes until I suddenly feel a sharp pain.

My lower waist.

My scar.

My wound.

I fall to the ground and I'm now back to that harrowing night. I'm on the hardwood floor. Breathless. The searing pain in my waist is getting unbearable. I lift my head up and I see him. Aaron. Yelling at me like I've never seen him does before. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I plead him to stop but it only makes him angrier. My eyes are burning in hot tears now. Why am I here? Another smash on the floor sends a shock to my whole body. I can see all the glass shards around me. Drips of blood trickling down my waist. "I can't believe I wasted all these times with you! God, what a useless woman!" I can't make a sound, I can't. I'm gonna make him even angrier. My hands violently shake as they're pressing on my mouth, trying to cover any noises that might escape from it. I shut my eyes hard.

I hear him yelling out my name over and over again but this time it sounds like his voice is coming from a far away distance. My ears are ringing so bad I feel like my head is about to explode.

"Hey, hey, hey. Y/n. Can you hear me? Y/n, I'm here. Stay with me. I'm here."

I can finally hear it.

"Y/n. Can you hear me?"

The voice is clear now.

I open my eyes and find myself on the ground trying to catch my breath. I look at my lower waist. Trickles of blood seeps into my dress.

"You accidentally unwrapped the rose. You got cut by the thorn. It's okay it's not deep. You're okay. You're safe," Jamie is holding me on the ground as I regain my breath again.

"Just breathe. You're okay. Breathe with me, y/n. Come on."

I look up at Jamie staring back at me. His familiar face brings me back and I quickly wrap my arms around him. My body is trembling in fear and I just need someone I know to hold onto. In an instant, I finally feel the sob coming out of me. I don't think Jamie has heard me sob like this before but I can no longer hold it. All I feel at the moment is fear trembling through my body.

Without hesitation, Jamie quickly gathers all our things. I then feel his arms securing around me and lifting me off the ground.

"I have a first aid kit in my car. We're gonna get you patched up, sweetie. Just hang in there," his voice soothing me.

In the car, he helps me into my seat, offering me water and gently tending to my cut.

"You're doing so good, sweetie. You're gonna be okay, alright," he keeps reassuring me while I'm still holding onto his arm.

When he finishes, he quickly gets on the driver's seat.

"I'll get you right home, okay? Don't worry you're gonna be okay-"

"NO! Please... please I don't want to be alone tonight," I beg him to stay.

He pulls me in and starts comforting me again. "Okay. You won't be. I'm not leaving you."

He starts the car and his mind racing to find a solution.

"Hey, I have a guest room at my place. You can stay with me for the night. Would that be okay?" he asks.

I nod.

He squeezes my hand and without hesitation, he starts driving.

____

I walk with him into his big apartment. His arm still wrapped around me as he walks me to the guest room.

"I have some tees and jammies in the closet if you need to clean up and change. I have another extra bandage over there if you need to and the bathroom is right there. Feel free to use the shower," he points at all the stuff he mentions.

I hold onto him tightly and not wanting to let go. "Thank you so much," I mumble under his chest. His hand stroking my hair.

"Don't you worry about it, sweetie."

He lets me settle in and making sure I feel better before I get up and clean myself. His constant reassurance slowly took my fear away and I manage to breathe better and compose myself. After the shower, I check on the cut on my waist. It's definitely a nasty scratch but it's not too deep. Still, it might bleed for a while. I fix myself up with the new bandage and pull out some clothes that belongs to Jamie from the closet. I put them on, his familiar scent on them calms me down even more.

I then hear a knock on the door.

"Can I come in?" his voice soft from the other side.

"Yeah, go ahead," I respond.

He opens the door slowly. His hair wet and messy from the shower and now wearing some fresh new clothes too.

"Hey, how are you doing?" he sits next to me on the bed.

"I'm doing better. Thank you for doing this," I say with a relief and gratitude in my heart.

"Of course. I can't imagine leaving you alone like this. Look, if you wanna talk, I'm right here, okay?"

"I know," I put my hand on his.

"I'm really sorry about the rose. It was so stupid of me for letting you hold it."

"It's not your fault. You've been nothing but sweet to me the whole time," I tell him.

"Well, you just take care now. Just let me know if you need anything else again."

"Okay."

A yawn escapes from my mouth. Suddenly realizing how tired I am.

"Let's get you to bed. You had a long day," as he helps me get under the cover. "Goodnight, sweetie. You just rest tonight."

Jamie gets up to leave and suddenly my stomach turns at the thought of being alone again.

"Wait!" I yell out.

He turns.

"Can you... lay beside me?"

He walks back towards me and kneels on the floor to meet me in the eyes.

"Are you sure about this?" he asks.

"Yes. I am. Please," pleading him.

"I promise, I won't try anything."

"I know you won't," I hold his hand to reassure him.

He dims the light and climbs onto the bed next to me. He makes sure to have a comfortable distance between us in the bed. Jamie starts humming a tune and ocassionally tucks my hair behind my ear. Every second he's with me, I feel even more comforted. His humming feels soothing to my ears that I can feel my eyes drooping heavier by the minute. I finally feel safe enough to allow myself to drift off.

_____

I feel the warm sunlight hitting my face and I slowly flutter my eyes open. My eyes start focusing my surrounding and I notice that the side of the bed next to me is empty. I look around the room and Jamie is nowhere to be seen. I sit up in panic until I get distracted by something.

There's music playing. The sound of a piano.

I walk to the living room following where the melodious tune came from and see Jamie on the piano. Only now, realizing how spacious the apartment's living room is that a whole piano can fit in it. I guess my mind was really far off last night that I didn't realize it.

The music is lovely and it feels like he's now playing the climax of the song. It's emotional, moving and powerful. His body sways as his fingers dance along the keys. I slowly approach him and he welcomes me with a warm smile as he continues playing it.

He stops after a while. "The song's not done yet that's all I got. Good morning, by the way," he smiles. I return the smile too.

"That's beautiful. Do you have a title for it yet?"

"It's called "Home"," he says with a hint of smile as he thinks of that response.

"Home? That's interesting."

"Y/n, I need to tell you something," his tone turns serious.

"Alright," my curiosity grows.

"Do you really want to know why I actually came to the art studio?" he suddenly asks me.

"Because you were just looking for something to do, right?"

He snickers and shakes his head.

"Do you remember when you painted the London view? It was a road overlooking the Big Ben. The sky was blue with a bit of orange tint to it," he says again.

"I do! That was when-" My eyes widen as I realize something. "Wait you haven't even signed up for the class yet... You weren't there."

"I actually was."

"What do you mean?" I ask in confusion.

"I passed by the studio while I was walking and stopped when I saw your painting. I just moved here and was feeling terribly homesick. So, when I saw it I was intrigued, you know? Your art was... is... breathtaking. Remember Mr. Hayes showed off your painting to the whole class?"

"Oh, don't tell me you saw that too?" I laugh feeling slightly embarrassed.

He chuckles. "Yes, I did. You had this really lovely laugh as Mr. Hayes praised you in front of the whole class... and your smile... your whole face just... lights up," he smiles as he remembers it in his head. He turns to look at me again.

"I... I didn't know that," I say in surprise.

"All I know is that I have to hear that laugh again. I have to see that smile again. It was beautiful... You're beautiful," his eyes searching for something in my face now.

"Jamie, I-"

He cuts me off by gently cupping my face. His eyes with a tender look met mine.

"Listen to me. It doesn't matter what you look like to me. I will always see you as the girl with the smile that lights up the whole room."

A tear falls down my cheek, not knowing how to respond.

"And even when I felt homesick, I found a reason that makes this town finally feels like home," he looks at me longingly. "This song. It's you. You make me feel like home."

Without hesitation, I close my eyes and crashes my lips into his. He pulls my face even closer. His soft lips sink deeper into mine until I pull away and meet his eyes again.

"You're sure about this now?" His smile is different this time.

"Yes, I am. Jamie I... I really like you. But I-" my voice falters.

"I know. I promised you not to push you into anything and I mean that. Waiting for you was worth it and nothing makes me happier than to see you smile when you're with me. I'll do anything to let it stay that way."

Our unspoken feelings finally found a voice. At this moment, both of us knew that this is going to be a new chapter of our relationship and my heart finally found its journey towards healing.

Chapter 9

_____

I know this is a long chapter but woooooo they finally kissed! I hope the slow burn was worth it. This is not the ending yet btw so stay tuned and reblog if you like it 👀💖 Thanks for all those who kept following the story!!

[mingos]

For the question about my character meme, how do you personally think Doffy felt about the situation when he was a child and St Homing decided to give up his status to live with the common folk. We saw how badly they were treated, but I'd like your opinion on how it personally affected Doffy, if you don't mind?

　oh, it psychologically fucked him up. no doubt. not even just the beatings & extreme poverty that would come later, i'm talking everything about that situation from start-to-finish. (before i start, just to be clear, this is not a 'uwu poor doffy uwu' analysis, this is a child psychology analysis.)

-

i know his shock & anger at the beginning before anything 'bad' happened was meant to illustrate "see, he's always been an evil little shit" but honestly, his base reaction is perfectly within the realms for a kid who has had his entire life & belief system essentially just upended. he wasn't an adult with a fully developed brain, he was a child with a child's brain. eight years old is actually around the time kids start thinking logically & understanding the world around them on a deeper level.

picture it: you're essentially one of the richest, most powerful children in the world, raised in an environment where you are deified & you can do no wrong, that everyone beneath you (humans) is less than dirt (whether that's right is not the point) and one day your dad is like... "hey, i want to be that". and you overhear your peers mocking your dad and essentially kicking you all out of your home and forcing you to move to an unfamiliar environment. like, moving schools as a child, but worse.

you've also been conditioned to think you are entitled to anything you want, and are allowed to be as nasty as you want to humans without consequence. but, suddenly, not only are they not serving you anymore... the moment you talk to these humans the way you have been conditioned by the adults in your life to talk to them when they 'disrespect' youーthey burn down your new house & start threatening to murder you. they are essentially in the position you used to be in now.

-

yeah sure "taste of your own medicine" and all thatーbut doflamingo is eight. he barely knows what that even means, at that age children are still learning basic concepts of morality & social norms, and at that point basically every social norm doflamingo has been conditioned into for those first eight years of his life were turned on their head & now all the sudden he was punished for believing them rather than praised. for the first time in his life, he's starving. for the first time in his life, he's been hit. he's poor. he's forced to wear rags. nothing he has been taught makes sense anymore.

also, at that age, your world tends to revolve around one thingーyour parents. they understand the roles of "child" and "adult" and understand that the adult's purpose is to give them guidance & protect them. homing, in doflamingo's eyes, did the opposite. he put them in harms’ way. another thing in his world that has been proven totally wrong.

-

child brains generally do not handle stress or trauma well; i forget the exact wording or study so don't quote me, but i've read articles over the years that make the argument that children who grow up in violent home environments (like witnessing/being subjected to domestic violence) or split home environments (like parents undergoing a messy divorce) essentially can have levels of ptsd equivalent to war veterans.

(on a personal note) as a very ill child who spent my first 12 years in & out of hospitals, i have medical ptsd; just hearing a heart rate monitor, seeing a needle, or smelling that very specific 'hospital' or 'anesthesia' smell is enough to give me a panic attack sometimes, even at 27.

that kind of trauma really does stick with youーeverything goes back to your childhood.

　taking his power back was, in part, to ensure that nothing close to that ever happens to him again.

[fatefought]

'cause she's a cruel mistress, and a bargain must be made. but oh, my love, don't forget me, when i let the water take me.

hey everyone ! it’s me, blue, here to tell you all about a wannabe mermaid. her bio can be found here ! below is just some additional information. 

mental health mentions & death mentions tw

annie cresta was born to teenage parents who weren’t able to take care of her, nor did either of them ever envision a life as parents. because of this, annie was placed in the care of her paternal grandparents: marcin & agatha cresta. 

ironically enough both of her grandparents did train as careers when they were younger. while neither became tributes of the games, they did everything in their power to ensure annie wouldn’t have to train the way they did. ( maybe they done goofed there. ) once they worked as fisherpeople, now the pair ran one of the local markets. and if young annie wasn’t running around there, she was down by the water. 

though she was the spitting image of her grandmother, she picked up her demeanor from her grandfather. old age made him much softer and rather easy-going. agatha cresta on the other hand was a matriarch. she was fiery, assertive, and always finished what needed to be done. her grandfather passed away when she was ten. additionally, both her grandparents would have been young children during the first rebellion. 

while she wasn’t a career, the boy from district four was. caspian leatworth looked like the ideal victor. he had a charismatic glint in his eyes and one could tell how strong cas was by merely gazing at him. as imposing a presence he could be, he was also kind. being only a year younger than him, they grew up together. she genuinely thought he had a chance at winning. 

annie was sincere in her goodbyes before entering the arena. she didn’t think she’d be coming home. the brutality of caspian’s death rattled her immensely. she only won her games because she could swim well. there have been many times where she wished she would have just let valora drown her. more details of her games can be found here ! 

her reputation of the mad girl came during her tour. night terrors and ptsd plagued her the months between her winning and the tour, but it was different. seeing the families of the fallen tributes led to panic attacks between districts. it culminated in the capitol, one massive panic attack was enough to catch attention. snow had no qualms with her returning to district four. in his words, she was wasted potential. 

annie had her grandmother move into her victor’s village home when she returned. she likes keeping agatha close. her parents, fletcher and sable, come around whenever they want financial support. the relationship there is very surface level. 

she spends her days in district four, except for quick, mandatory visits to the capitol. in the last four years, she’d only spend up to thirty-six hours at a time there. the cost of the government leaving her alone was her image       and sometimes her mind. 

in the rpg, finnick and annie have a 13 month old named cas. while he's not exactly hidden in four, nobody outside of the district would know about him currently.

unlike the series, i plan on focusing on her ptsd rather than the blanketed unstable label. annie has a grasp on reality. she’s traumatized and became anxious as a result. there are things that can trigger her such as sudden loud noises and screams. when her trauma gets the better of her, she can dissociate or do what’s mentioned in the books like random laughter, closing her eyes, and covering her ears. 

after feeling like she was reliving the hunger games watching johanna’s games, she avoided watching the following two hunger games. after watching the last games, she does wonder if the love between katniss and peeta is real. not because it’s not believable, she just knows something like that could be an amazing strategy. 

she used to wonder if something was wrong with her after becoming a victor. she’d wonder how people could move on from winning their games. eventually, she realized that nobody moves past the game, just some are better at fanning at the façade. annie’s never been very good at faking it ‘til you make it without appearing very disingenuous. to this day she feels deep shame that she let anyone see her break down in the capitol, and over the reputation she gained due to it. 

survivor’s guilt vibes !

in another life, maybe she would’ve made for a good career. she’s very physically fit.

as confirmed by the test i took earlier today, she’s very much a hufflepuff.

still would play mermaids as an adult. just kidding ... unless ... 👀 

she obnoxiously loves district four. 

she’s definitely more of a team player than leader type. 

annie is not a part of the underground rebellion, but she’s aware of the growing tension in district four. something is lingering in the air, especially after district twelve’s star-crossed lovers visited. that being said, she’ll be on the side of the rebels when the time comes. she’s angry at the treatment of the people of panem. she’s angry about what so many of her loved ones had to endure at the hands of the capitol. she’s angry at what she was forced into participating in. she’s angry. 

[teatitty]

Said I was gonna do it so here’s a brief, not at all complete/exhaustive, list of the ways Holmes adapted his lifestyle and behaviours to accomodate Watson’s disablities etc

Watson’s shoulder injury means he cannot lift his arm above his head at all. This is not usually an issue, as he can still use his other arm to reach things, but the moment Holmes realised this was something he had learned to work around, he thought “oh shit the shelves are too high” and wordlessly had Watson’s shelves, bookcase and wardrobe renovated/moved to be more accesible for said arm. This is not something they have ever spoken about but Watson felt a surge of exasperated fondness regardless 

While it’s true that Watson has nightmares, those are only part of his PTSD. He also has certain triggers, like sudden explosives, hence why Holmes or Mrs Hudson always let him know when a chemical experiment is happening. Over the years this specific ‘trigger’ has dialed back significantly but the habit of telling him of the experiments has never stopped. Holmes is also careful when putting rosin on his bow, as Watson once told him that it reminded him of hacksaws, and there are days when he simply cannot deal with large noisy crowds. Should he get overwhelmed by such noise, Holmes will quietly (and subtly!) lead him someplace quieter to catch his breath

Holmes is the one who brought Watson the cane sword. In fact, Watson doesn’t use it as often as one might expect when they’re together, because Holmes always has their arms linked anyway. While this first started as a way to support his friend when the wound caused Watson’s leg to get stiff and painful, it has simply become an everyday part of Holmes’ usual tactile affection

Watson has always had a bad reaction to people dying under his care. During the following days, he is prone to “black moods” and dissociation. Holmes has learned that the best way to deal with this is to be a silent nearby presence, offering the odd murmur or reassurance. Once Watson reacts to his presence, Holmes will quietly ask things like “what do you see?” “where are you right now?” etc and work from there based on the answers

One of the reasons Holmes makes so much noise in their flat is because Watson warned both himself and Mrs Hudson that should they sneak up on him without warning, he has a natural ‘fight’ response and may accidentally lash out at them. Holmes almost got himself a black eye because of this once (he did trip onto his arse as well which added some levity) and has endeavoured to always make his presence known whenever possible

Related to the above: the one and only time Watson ever took the lead on a case ended with him reactively throat punching someone. Luckily it happened to be the criminal they were after but they both agreed it would probably be better for Holmes to take the lead from then on

Watson always feels most at ease when he has his revolver on him or within reach of himself. This is the reason Holmes tells him to bring it on cases. Another unspoken thing between them

He keeps tabs on the weather more studiously than he used to, so that he is always prepared when Watson’s injuries/chronic pain act up. He keeps Watson’s preferred brand of tea well stocked, is always sure they have coal for the fire, and, if need be, assists his friend in getting out of his coat/into his dressing gown etc without making any kind of fuss

Makes certain to bring blankets and a flask of brandy when doing long stakeouts as Watson is more prone to shivering. Also ensures that they always have a warm room to stay in when taking cases outside of London

While Holmes does eat more frequently thanks to Watson’s “medical nagging” the other reason he eats more is because Watson is also prone to forgetting about his meals and Holmes has found that eating together is simply more productive, mostly because it bolsters Watson’s mood considerably and his bright moods are rather infectious

[chefdoeuvre]

Aftermath

Jay Halstead

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Sister!Reader

Description: People always tend to forget about the aftermath.

Words: 2,122

Requested: yes by anonymous; second, if it's ok i wanted to request a part two to the imagine? i was wondering if you could just explore the aftermath of her assault, as she continues to heal and accept what's happened to her. by this i mean experiencing ptsd and having nightmares, flashbacks and dealing with certain triggers. also, maybe she could still sometimes turn to substances as many survivors do, and just break down sometimes. obviously since it's a halstead sister fic and i love the support system in the last story, i'd love to see jay helping her through everything and being super protective + some scenes with the rest of intelligence? but it's obviously up to you. thank you so much <3

Warnings: mention of drinking, sexual assault, drugs, language, PTSD, Jay Halstead and all of Intelligence being the best.

A/N: This is the long awaited part two to Infliction, and by long-awaited I mean like a month later. I tried to make the end light hearted because it seemed like a good way to go. I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors.

—

It had been a few weeks since the party and things were beginning to look up. You and Brayden started hanging out more and it was safe to say the two of you were on your way to becoming best friends. The group of guys had all been arrested and sent far away from you. You, Jay, and Will have been having more frequent family movie nights instead of them heading out to Molly's every free night they got. Intelligence had basically adopted you as one of their own and even went out of their way to hang out with you. Kim and Hailey had girls nights away from the ever-annoying guys they work with. Adam and Kevin practically chauffeured you to hangouts with Brayden and took you out to your favorite diner on the weekends. Even Hank had called you once in a while as a check-in and to keep you informed about your case. Overall things seemed to be getting better for you.

Except for one little detail. Your PTSD was hitting you like a truck. Of course, the only person who even remotely knew what was happening was Brayden because he was the one person you spent most of your time with. Thankfully he was there to help ground you and calm you down when it all became too much for you. This wasn't sudden, it's been building up since it happened and clearly you needed to work on accepting it rather than shoving it all down. That's one thing you and Jay had in common, the two of you always had trouble addressing your problems no matter how big they became.

Currently, you were laying in bed and staring up at your ceiling that Jay had covered in stars for you. If there was one thing about you is that you still are a child at heart. You had been shocked awake by your recurring nightmare. It always followed the same premise of the night of the party but every night there were either different people, points of view, or different actions you took that still led you to the same outcome. There were dried tears staining your cheeks that you hadn't bothered to wipe away and every few moments there would be a soft sniffle to break the eerie silence.

Having enough of staring up at your ceiling you let out a low huff and pushed yourself up to a sitting position. You turned to the side and looked at the clock resting on your nightstand. The clock read 4:19 AM which was clearly too early for you to be up but too late for you to try and go back to sleep before Jay's rustling while getting ready would wake you up. Reaching over to open the drawer in your nightstand you checked the small bottle hidden under the glasses case that held your blue light ones. It was three-quarters full of vodka you had inconspicuously stolen from Jay's cabinet. You kept promising yourself that you wouldn't drink anymore, but clearly, that wasn't really panning out in your favor. Sure you would have a swig or two before braving yourself and heading off to school but it was to take the edge off, not to get drunk.

If Jay were to check through your drawer he'd probably think otherwise. You had stopped with the pills since he had found you, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him so you continued to drink. Obviously, it wasn't a lot and definitely not enough to get you drunk off your ass. You just wanted to be buzzed enough to have the courage to walk into your dreaded school every morning and deal with the numerous triggers you kept on discovering.

Eventually, it was time for you actually start getting ready for school. Jay had already left for work a while ago, leaving a kiss on your head before stepping out the door. You pulled on a random outfit that was comfortable and your usual pair of shoes before throwing your backpack over your shoulder and walked downstairs. Deciding against your worst judgment you made the choice to brave the day without the buzz of alcohol. Waiting at the front entrance of your building was Brayden. Like every morning the two of you would walk to school together if Jay had to go into the district early. If Jay only had paperwork that day he would drive the two of you to school instead, but that didn't happen very often.

The two of you walked to school silently, only exchanging a few words of greeting. Once you had made it to the large building you both had to split up for your classes. The day went on like usual, boring teachers droning on about upcoming assignments and tests. Lunch had arrived after what seemed like forever and you sat at an empty table practically half asleep. You held your head in your hand as you kept your eyes from slipping shut at the exhaustion.

"You not feeling too hot there?" One of your classmates from English asked as he passed by.

You froze at the familiar words before shaking yourself out of the memory.

"Fine, just tired." You brushed off their comment as he nodded with an understanding smile before continuing to his table.

Moments later the door opened and you picked your head up reluctantly. It was a few guys on the football team.

"You not feeling too hot there?" One of the seniors asked you.

You simply shook your head which only worsened the pain in it. The boys walked a few steps closer before placing their hands on your shoulders. They shoved you back onto the bed and immediately your body began to react.

You kicked and punched aimlessly to get them off of you but your movements were uncoordinated and your mind was foggy. There were too many of them and they began to overpower you, their hands wandering to unwanted places.

“Y/N?” Brayden’s voice pulled you out of the flashback.

“Huh?” Your teary eyes darted around his face before focusing on his concerned expression.

“Let’s head to the library, all right?” Brayden suggested already standing up from his seat across from you.

You nodded silently before hiking your bag over your shoulder and walked to the library beside him. Luckily at your school, they were lenient enough to let you head to the library during lunch. Usually, the kids didn’t take advantage of it but it was an unspoken spot of peace for you and Brayden.

The two of you sat at a table near the back and Brayden pulled a chair up beside you.

“Want to talk about what happened back at lunch?” Brayden asked softly.

You bit your lip in contemplation. This had been happening for weeks and every time you’d shake your head and change the subject. But the fact was it wasn’t getting better and you just needed to tell somebody that you weren’t okay. A few tears slipped out of your eyes which led to quiet sobs escaping from your lips. Brayden offered you a hug with outstretched arms, making sure to check if you were okay with it. You leaned forward into his embrace and squeezed his waist tightly. He held you there while rubbing soothing circles on your back until your cries stopped. You lifted your head off his chest and wiped away the remained tears on your cheeks before speaking up.

“Uh, flashbacks. I’ve been getting them for a while. I thought they’d go away, but they haven’t.” You explained with a sigh, avoiding his gaze and instead taking interest in your hands.

“Okay first, if they happen again tell me, or pull on my sleeve and I’ll get you somewhere quiet. Got it?” Brayden bent his head to try and get into your eye line.

You nodded your head with a hum before he spoke up again, “since they haven’t gone away maybe you should talk to someone. Preferably a professional, but if you’re only comfortable telling me then I’m all ears. Although, I’m not sure that I can cure you with magic, wish I could though.” Brayden tried to lighten the mood with his magic comment.

“Thanks, Brayden. Jay actually has been bugging me about seeing a therapist. Said it helped him with his PTSD, I think I might take him up on it.” You looked up at the boy with pursed lips.

“That’s good. Just know we’re not trying to force you into anything, we just want you to feel better however long that may take.” Brayden gave you a soft smile.

“You are wise beyond your years, you know that?” You smiled back with a small laugh.

“I try, I try.” Brayden shrugged nonchalantly.

“Can you come with me to the district after school?” You asked cautiously.

“Of course, not like I’d rather do my homework.” Brayden laughed.

“And there’s the Brayden I know.” You smiled widely.

Soon enough you and Brayden had been making your way to the twenty-first district to talk with Jay and probably the rest of Intelligence. The air was lighter between the two of you once you had finally started to open up. Of course, you hadn’t spilled everything but the little you had told him made the weight on your shoulders lessen slightly.

“Ah, baby Halstead and company, what brings you here?” Trudy greeted from the front desk with a tight-lipped smile. Even if she didn’t want to admit it, she had a soft spot for you.

“Can you ring us upstairs? I need to talk with Jay.” You asked.

“You’re lucky they haven’t caught a case today.” Trudy walked out from behind her desk and led you and Brayden upstairs.

“Thank you, Trudy.” You smiled and followed the woman.

“I have a special delivery for Detective Chuckles.” Trudy spoke up once the three of you reached the top of the steps.

Jay’s head snapped up from his desk with a look of confusion when his eyes landed on you. He quickly stood up and scanned you over for anything.

“What happened, are you all right?” Jay cupped your cheek in concern before sparing a glance at Brayden for any sign of something bad.

“I’m okay, I just needed to talk to you.” You reassured him.

“All right. You wanna head into the kitchen?” Jay asked.

“No, we could talk at your desk. They’re all gonna find out anyway.” You gestured to the rest of the unit who was watching the two of you intently.

Jay nodded his head and led you to his desk. You reached out and held onto Brayden’s arm as you pulled him along to take a seat and sit beside you. Of course, at this, the entire unit had gathered around with concerned faces once you started to explain to them. Jay’s expression was held with soft eyes as he listened to you agree with wanting to try therapy and asking for help.

Once you were done Jay stood up and placed a kiss on the top of your head before whispering into your hair, “I’m proud of you.” Jay pulled away to give you a warm smile.

“All right come here you little muffin.” Kim held out her arms with a smile.

You stepped forward into her embrace as she squeezed you tightly, she rocked the two of you from side to side eliciting a small giggle out of you. Hailey joined the hug with a laugh once Kim pulled her by the arm.

Antonio placed a hand on your shoulder once you, Hailey, and Kim pulled away, “I’m proud of you, kiddo.” He offered you a kind nod.

“So proud.” Kevin gave you one of his signature bear hugs.

“Okay, it’s my turn.” Adam squeezed his way to stand in front of you. Which caused everyone to laugh at his eagerness.

“I could never forget about you, Ruz.” You wrapped your arms around his shoulders as he lifted your toes off the ground.

“Are we done yet? You guys are treating my sister like an attraction.” Jay sassed.

“You’re just mad that you only got to kiss me on the head and not a hug.” You retorted from leaning back into Brayden with a smirk.

“No, not true.” Jay shook his head with furrowed brows.

“Yup, totally jealous.” You nodded convinced.

“How did we go from a serious topic to Halstead and mini Halstead having a sarcasm battle?” Adam questioned with a confused expression.

“I learned to stop questioning it.” Brayden shrugged from behind you.

“It’s how we cope. Halstead thing, I guess.” You said with raised brows.

“Fair enough.” Jay sighed.

[broken--dreams]

I was talking to my therapist and talking about my trauma and I was like “but it’s not Actually trauma because it wasn’t that bad” so they ask me to list my symptoms and they’re like “okay has anyone told you about ptsd?”

I was like “yeah” and a loooong silent moment passed before they were like “had anyone ever told you… that you have symptoms?”

***

So, if you are wondering, here's a partial list.

CPTSD traits

ALL of these have multiple causes.  Most people will find 10 or so that they feel describes them.  No one will have ALL of them.  My personal opinion is that if you have more than 25% of these, you may have CPTSD, if you have more than 40%, almost certainly.  But having only 15-20 does not mean that you don't.  Just that it's less likely.

There is a big overlap between CPTSD and ADHD, particularly in the task related and restlessness related points.  If you are under treatment, ask your doc to prescribe adhd drugs.  If they relieve ADHD symptoms, then continue.  For me this was a huge win. If you get jittery like too much coffee without making focus and fidgeting decrease then quit.  Normally it takes 1-2 months of varying doses to find out the optimum level.  

There are overlaps with other problems too, such as OCD, generalized anxiety disorder.  Autism Spectrum Disorder.  I don't know enough.  Do your own research.

### Flashbacks,  Intrusive Memories & nightmares:

Not as they appear in movies.  Much less connected. Often with no feeling of time -- both instant, and lasting forever.

Visual/Audio:  Scene snaps, short cuts of what you saw and heard.  May not be synchronised.  May not be in chronological order.  They don’t have to be horrible.  Some of mine were more of a “Oh? THAT’s how it was” I feel a certain knowing. 

Somatic:  What you felt:  Pain of the trauma, but also the twitch feel of adrenaline, the gut feel of fear or shame, the tight breathing and tensing of anger, often without the accompanying emotion.

Emotional: sudden feelings without cause.  E.g. Grocery shopping and sudden strong feeling of dread.

Nightmares are frequently really weird, and hit much more strongly than normal dreams.  May have symbolic references.

### Avoidance:

These can come and go.  Some days fine, some days easily triggered.

Avoids settings/situations that remind them of the trauma.  

Avoids people who remind them of the trauma.

Forgets the trauma entirely.

### Emotional:

These are contradictory.  Some can’t happen at the same time.  E.g. I can’t “not feel emotions” and also be “frequent crying, tantrums” at the same time.  But I can flip back and forth.

Difficulty describing feelings.

Emotionally dysregulated.  Subject to wild swings, rage, fear, sadness, depression.  Frequent crying, aggression, tantrums, often starting and stopping suddenly with little or no provocation. Lashing out over minor criticisms.

Doesn't feel strong emotions.  E.g. can feel sad, but not grief, happy, but not joy.

Only experiences intellectual emotions: curiosity, duty, respect

Being totally without emotion.

Strong feelings of guilt or shame much of the time.

Argumentative, irritable, aggressive.

Proud of ability to not show emotion

Proud of self reliance

Distressing feelings of loneliness

Stresses out in normal situations.

Feeling helpless, no control over events.

### Trust Issues

Trust is often domain specific.  You may trust an acquaintance who asks to borrow a hundred bucks and loan it to him, but be unable to fully trust a partner in a relationship.

Others can't be trusted.

Feeling that you will be taken advantage of, if you don't protect yourself.

Always has a backup plan for rejection, abandonment.

 Often cannot feel close to others.

### Relationships and sexuality:

  * Relationships frequently short/shallow.

  * Avoids relationships entirely

  * Seeks harmful, but familiar relationships

  * Can react to trauma by becoming asexual.

  * Can become hypersexual

  * Distorted perception of abuser. Can be thoughts of revenge, or total submission.

### Beliefs:

* Feeling there is no future, or a very limited future.

* Loss of beliefs about the world.

* Emotions and beliefs incongruent.

* Belief that no one likes/loves you.

* Belief that you are unlikeable/unloveable

* Belief that you  deserve to be punished

### Low self esteem

* Constant self deprecation, self putdown.

* Says "I'm sorry" for things that there is nothing to apologise for.

* People pleaser. Goes overboard to keep superiors happy.  Superior=anyone who has power to hurt, humiliate, reject.

* Can't say no.

* Fear that others are talking about you.

* Preoccupation with acceptance or approval

* Perfectionist.  Over achiever to try to win approval.

* “I’m not good enough”  

### Cognitive

* Difficulties reading body language of others.

* Really really good at body language/tone of voice that may mean someone is unhappy with them.

* Memory issues.  Apparent holes in memory -- no or fewer memories of a particular place or particular time.

* Little or no memory of the trauma

* Difficulty making decisions.

* Task management -- difficulty starting or finishing projects.

* Dissociation -- severe daydreaming or zoning out.  Often cannot recall what they were thinking.

* Disconnection from reality.

* Sudden blankness of mind.

* More than normally forgetful

* Stutter or other speech impediment

### Living on the edge of emotional window of tolerance

* Can't relax.  Always alert. Belief that the world is dangerous.

* Restless. Fidgeting all the time.

* Difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep.

* Jumpiness.  Exaggerated startle reflex.

* Nervous when alone.

* Loss of interest.

* Loss of ambition

* Reactive depression

* Emotional blunting

* Emotional numbness (duplicate)

### Self Abandonment/Self harm behaviours:

* Drug abuse

* Alcohol abuse

* Bulimia

* Anorexia

* Other eating disorders

* Desire/attempts/caries out self harm -- cut, burn.

* Seeks high risk activities

* Recreate abuse either as victim or abuser.

* Casual attitude toward death/serious harm.

* Failures of self protection (doesn't fasten seat belt, use a helmet, wear gloves handling dangerous chemicals)

* Suicidal ideation -- thinking they would be better off dead.

* Suicidal intent -- active plotting the details, methods, impact.

### Other behaviours

* Hates crowds

* Prefers to be alone when stressed

* Antisocial or asocial behaviour.

* No or little interest in peers.

* Withdraws (runs away) under stress.

* Stops speaking in certain circumstances.  E.g. Won't talk if a certain person is present.  Won't talk at school.

### Physical.  

These are usually episodic, and can't be explained by other medical issues. Can be considered as somatic flashbacks.

* Sudden or frequent nausea/dizziness/faintness (Not common)

* Pain in heart or chest

* Rapid breathing

* Inability to catch breath

* Muscle jerks

* Overpowering fatigue

* Headaches

* Weakness

* Rapid heart rate

* Very slow heart rate

* Physical immobility.  ‘Freezing’ movement slow, uncoordinated.

Physical reactions to stimuli

* Abnormally low sensitivity to pain

* Abnormally high sensitivity to pain

* Injuries that they can't remember receiving (can be dissociation too)

Other

* Strong sense of social justice.  Outrage at the plight of others. 

I was talking to my therapist and talking about my trauma and I was like “but it’s not Actually trauma because it wasn’t that bad” so they ask me to list my symptoms and they’re like “okay has anyone told you about ptsd?”

I was like “yeah” and a loooong silent moment passed before they were like “had anyone ever told you… that you have symptoms?”

[c-ptsdrecovery]

Source: What is C-PTSD from Beauty After Bruises

From that source:

WHAT DOES C-PTSD LOOK LIKE?

   To delineate some these hallmark challenges - as outlined in the proposed Complex PTSD criteria - we'll begin with the one that shows up most frequently in day-to-day life: emotion regulation. Survivors with Complex PTSD have a very difficult time with emotions -- experiencing them, controlling them, and for many, just being able to comprehend or label them accurately. Many have unmanaged or persistent sadness, either explosive or inaccessible anger, and/or suicidal thoughts. They may be chronically numb, lack the appropriate affect in certain situations, be unable to triage sudden changes in emotional content, or struggle to level out after a great high/low. It's also very common for these survivors to re-experience emotions from trauma intrusively - particularly when triggered. These feelings are often disproportionate to the present situation, but are equal to the intensity of what was required of them at the time of a trauma -- also known as an emotional flashback.

   Difficulty with self-perception is another fundamental struggle for complex trauma survivors -- particularly because their identity development was either fiercely interrupted or manipulated by someone with ulterior motives. In its simplest form, how they see themselves versus how the rest of the world does can be brutally different. Some may feel they carry or actually embody nothing but shame and shameful acts - that they are "bad".  Others believe themselves to be fundamentally helpless; they were let down by so many who could've stopped their abuse but didn't, so it "must just be them". Many see themselves as responsible for what happened to them and thus unworthy of kindness or love because "they did this to themselves". And, countless others may feel defined by stigma, believe they are nothing more than their trauma, worry they're always in the way or a burden, or they may sense they're just completely and utterly different from anyone or anything around them - they are alien. Startling as it is, all of these feelings and more can live inside someone whom, to you, seems like the most brilliant, competent, strong, and compassionate human being you know.

   Interruptions in consciousness are also a prevalent - and at times very scary - reality in Complex PTSD. Some may forget traumatic events (even if they knew of them once before), relive them intrusively, recall traumatic material in a different chronological order, or other distressing experiences of what is called dissociation. Dissociation is a symptom that exists on a spectrum, ranging anywhere from harmless daydreaming or temporarily "spacing out"; to more disruptive episodes of feeling disconnected from one's body or mental processes, not feeling real, or losing time; all the way to the most severe, which includes switching between self-states (or alters), as is seen in Dissociative Identity Disorder. Episodes of missing time can range anywhere from a few minutes, a couple days, or even large chunks of one's childhood. The larger gaps in time are typically only seen in DID, but those with C-PTSD alone can still endure 'interruptions in consciousness' that result in memory gaps, poor recall, traumatic material that is completely inaccessible, or, conversely, re-experiencing trauma against their will (e.g. flashbacks, intrusive images, body memories, etc.)

   Difficulty with relationships may seem like a natural progression since each area mentioned thus far can affect how fruitful your relationships are. But, these challenges go beyond a lack in quality or richness. This refers more to a survivor's potential to feel completely isolated from peers and not even knowing how to engage, to harboring an outright refusal to trust anyone (or just not knowing why they ever should), trusting people way too easily (including those who are dangerous, due to a dulled sense of alarm), perpetually searching for a rescuer or to do the rescuing, seeking out friends and partners who are hurtful or abusive because it's the only thing that feels familiar, or even abruptly abandoning relationships that are going well for any number of reasons.    With this in mind, and knowing more about the depths to which C-PTSD sufferers battle with their self-perception and interpersonal relationships, it may make it easier to empathize with them on the next category, which is:

   The perception of one's perpetrators. This can be one of the most insidious battles for some survivors with Complex PTSD -- even if it seems crystal clear to those on the outside. Victims of such prolonged trauma may eventually surrender, assuming their abuser(s) total power over them, possibly even maintaining this belief once they're 'free'. "I'll always be under their thumb, they call all the shots, they may even know what's best for me more than I ever will." Others may feel deep sadness or profound guilt at just the thought of leaving them - including long after they've successfully left, if they were able. Some may remain transfixed by their abuser's charming side or the warm public persona that everyone loves; it may feel truly impossible to think ill of them. Many hold a constant longing for their abusers to just love them - craving their praise well into adulthood, slaving away in their personal lives just to make them proud. Alternatively, there are others who may obsess about them angrily, holding only hatred and disdain for them to the point of persistent bitterness and/or vengefulness. Some can even stir desires to seek that revenge. (Though, it should be clearly noted that it's not at all common for them to actually do so. It's more about the thoughts than the actions.)

   Many survivors can have a primary, more surface-layer set of thoughts and feelings about their perpetrator(s), particularly when asked. They may know what they're "supposed to say" or "supposed to feel", and then follow suit. But it's helpful to know that a collection of all these responses can, and often does, coexist within one person, vacillating between extremes underneath what's shown to the world or even to themselves. Day to day, and year to year, their feelings may shift - and - what the survivor knows to be true intellectually versus what they feel emotionally may remain incongruent for a very long time.

   One's 'System of Meanings'.  Of the many, many well-observed developmental disruptions those with C-PTSD face, one that many find to be the toughest to conquer, even with therapy, is one with which we hope to offer the most help and support. That area is what's referred to as one's 'system of meanings' ; an area that, after being subjected to such tumultuous trauma, can feel almost irreparable. What this criterion is referring to is the struggle to hold on to any kind of sustaining faith or belief that justice will ever be served to indiscretions of ethics and morality. These survivors' outlook on life and the world at large can be unfairly contorted, and understandably so.

   They may doubt there is any goodness or kindness in the world that isn't selfish-hearted. They may worry they'll never find forgiveness. Others may even believe they only came to this world to be hurt, so there can be no good coming for them. This level of hopelessness and despair, as well as these greater meanings assigned to their suffering, can fluctuate greatly over time. There may even come several years where things no longer feel so bleak or as though they were conned of a meaningful life. But, as more layers of trauma are processed in therapy, or new memories bubble to the surface, they may wrestle with it once more as new feelings strike a devastating chord inside their chest. This is a common experience for so many survivors, and can have lasting ramifications with each plunge. We want to be here to help bring pause to those deep swings into the darkness - doing what we can to keep survivors in the light a little longer. Or, better yet, support them in adding some of that light inside of themselves. That way, even if they need to hide in the darkness for a bit, the light never leaves them for good.  We're still here.

[physicalturian]

[G] Gentle summer - Rengoku Kyojuro x GN!Reader - Part 1

[Contains spoilers from the movie, and the manga] [No pronouns used for the reader, no physical description; Everyone +18] Words : 8533 Archive of our own

Warnings : Blood / Injuries / PTSD

Summary : After the event of the Infinity Train, the Fire Pillar is staying at the Butterfly Mansion where you take care of him. The path to recovery is long, which leaves time for some feelings to develop between you and Rengoku. Proper courtship is what the swordsman has in mind once he set it on you.

A slow burn of two people letting time do its work the more they spend it together.

If you feel like I should add more warnings, send me a dm or and ask

--

It was one of those rare quiet nights at the mansion. Crickets in the summer night could be heard in the well-tended gardens along the sound of the water in the ponds. The cool air the late night provided felt refreshing, it gave some respite before the summer heat returned in the early morning, but it was appreciated, nonetheless. It was relaxing, so relaxing it could almost make one forget of the danger looming over them. Big plans were being made, new recruits were being trained and the ones used to it all… well, they were resting the best they could before the big fight.

Among those resting were a few Pillars, those who weren’t at the mansion were doing their best to get out of their head by doing some missions. Giyuu was one of the few who stayed, he wasn’t so lucky as to be alone in his room; The new recruits, who counted among their ranks a demon girl, were sleeping by his side, snoring and taking too much space on the futons spread on the tatami mat. As I stood by the door, I noticed the light was still on and tip-toed inside the room to turn it off, avoiding luring the mosquitoes in.

I stopped dead in my tracks when the floor creaked, I waited a moment before going back to the door, hoping I hadn’t woken anyone up. Once out, I slid it closed gently and padded away to my room, knowing full well I wasn’t going to be able to sleep with all the stress I was feeling. On my way there, I noticed the flickering light coming from the Fire Pillar’s room. The shadow of the lantern was projected on the shoji doors, I waited a moment to see if there was any movement but when I didn’t see anything, I opened the door. Not wanting for him to wake up during the night to turn it off, I stepped inside carefully but stopped when I couldn’t see him around.

For a moment, my heart jumped out of my chest as I considered the possibility of him having been kidnapped by the demon who wasn’t able to finish him. Maybe he even left to the forest to fight with him, he would do that to avoid getting us in danger. No, no… No demon ever found the mansion, I don’t see why they would find it now.

Blowing the light out, I found that the moon’s glow was enough to brighten the room with a fair white color all over the room. As I stepped towards the door that led to some green patches outside, I paused when I noticed a form leaning on one of the wooden posts outside. Approaching soundlessly, I quickly recognized Rengoku’s haori on the ground. The man was sitting on the wooden veranda outside, his head was leaning on the post, his arms crossed over his chest. He wasn’t wearing his Pillar outfit but instead wore a lighter traditional kimono, that suited him perfectly.

“Rengoku?” I called his name softly, hoping to get his attention without surprising him too much. Perhaps it was too tender as the man did not respond. With just as much care, I stepped closer and saw his relaxed face, deep in slumber, the usual determined frown on his face gone from how peaceful he was right now. Still, it mustn’t be comfortable to be sleeping here, I thought as I stepped in front of the man and considered my choices.

Mirroring him some way, I crossed my arms over my chest and took a good look at him as I considered what to do. While doing so, I also enjoyed his features. The fresh scar on his forehead was never hidden by his hair, seeing as he styled it in a mane-like fashion. I’d still feel a pinch in my heart when I’d see it, remembering how the three young recruits sent their crow to get the medical people on the field.

Both of them were crying, thinking the man was gone, I had to keep my composure as I checked his pulse, desperately wishing he was still alive.

I held my breath, then felt the slight pulse. The man was a strong-willed fighter, but as I took care of his wounds the best I could, I started to believe strong-will was not going to get him through it. When my crew and I gave him the first care treatment, we brought him back to the mansion where he was passed out for a few days. When he finally woke up, I was changing the flowers on his bedside. As I pulled them out of the vase, a strong hand gripped my wrist. I gasped loudly at the touch, then at the realization he had woken up.

“Rengoku, you’ve awakened. I’ll bring you-“ “You’re the one, right?” He uttered, his mouth still not used to speaking just yet. Giving him a confused expression, he chuckled lightly, then painfully before getting his composure back. “The one who’s been singing to me, so many times-“ “I do apologize, I was not aware you could hear me. I hope I haven’t troubled your sleep much, and that you are rested,” I bowed, feeling my cheeks burn from embarrassment. Yet, I had to keep some professionalism with the Pillar in front of me, for his rank was higher than mine.

“Your voice, it’s soothing, can you keep doing it? Singing, I mean! I’m awake now, but I really enjoyed hearing you,”

Chuckling nervously, I placed the fresh flowers in the vase once the man had let go of my hand and threw the dried ones in the bin. “I don’t think so, it’s not professional, disturbing you wouldn’t-“ “It helped me, I found myself sleeping more peacefully upon hearing you delicate singing. Without it, I wouldn’t be as well-rested,” His voice was a lot louder now. He must have strained himself with the energy he put in his whole attitude since he leaned forward a bit, a hand on his stomach.

“Alright, I’ll keep singing, only if you stop moving. You haven’t healed fully yet Rengoku. You should rest some more,” I told him softly. I pried his hand away from his stomach and asked if I could check, he allowed me. “Maybe quiet down, even for a moment, you’ve only been asleep for a few days, your wounds haven’t healed enough for you to move that much,” When he didn’t say anything, I looked up at his face and saw him with his eyes closed and mouth slightly open. He was focusing his breath on the healing, which I would not allow.

Calling his name, I tried to get his attention, but he ignored me. Now, I might be a healer, but I knew how to deal damage and how to deal with strong people. With a hand on his stomach and the other on his shoulder, I put some pressure on the latter to make him lean back. His eyes opened wide as a breathless gasp left his mouth in surprise. “Don’t start this. I am asking you to simply, stay in bed and do nothing, is that too much to ask?” I asked him as I let go of his form.

His beautiful wide eyes stared right at mine, unrelenting, with an expression I couldn’t decipher. As uneasy as it made me feel, I matched his stare and did not move. That is until he smiled, “Only if I am allowed to have some food, I am starving! Food would help with my healing, right?” He added my name at the end of his question, surprising me. The amount of time I interacted with the Pillars could not be counted on two hands, I remembered them, their wounds, their fragile state when in their weakest state. I saw them train, I myself was trained by one of them. And yet, I was surprised when the Fire Pillar remembered my name.

I didn’t let it slip, that I liked it, that it caught me off guard, nor that he had the gentlest tone when saying my name, a tone that made my heart skip even for just a second. “I will bring you food. I’m only asking of you to stay put, can you do that?” Nodding, he put his hands a bit higher from his stomach and stood still, his eyes looking at the ceiling. “For you, I will, I won’t move an inch-“ “Not for me, for you. For your health, Rengoku.” I huffed while standing up, a hand on the mattress. As I turned around, a hand quickly grabbed mine, just like before. I didn’t pull back, fearing the man would lean in with.

Turning to face him, I quirked a brow and asked if he needed anything else, “Kyojuro, call me Kyojuro, you have taken care of me enough time to be familiar with me. I owe you my life,” Chuckling lightly, I unhooked his hand from my wrist and smiled, “It’s my job, I will try my best to call you by your name then, Kyojuro.” With a nod, I left the room to get his meal that the younger recruits were probably already making. They would always sit by the door of the wounded, waiting for anything to happen, their ears ready for any sudden sound.

My suspicions were correct when I found the tray right in front of the door, they must have left the moment they realized he had awakened. Smiling to myself, I grabbed the tray and entered Kyojuro’s room once more. “It seems we-“ I hurriedly put the tray on the bed next to Kyojuro’s when I saw he wasn’t in his bed. “Rengoku! Where did you go,” I mumbled the last part as I slipped on my geta and trotted to the veranda. I was quick to let a sigh of relief when I saw the man in question, practicing with his sword, the sun illuminating his gorgeous mane.

As beautiful as he may be under the sun, the jinbei he was wearing to sleep had a growing red stain on his stomach. His wound had reopened, and he did not seem to mind one bit. I did. “Rengoku, would you please come back to bed?” I asked with some softness. When he did not hear me, or ignored me, whichever it was I did not care, I called his name more sternly. His stances and actions got a bit more intense in his practice.

Taking a deep breath, I calmed my breathing and sped to his side, hearing his surprise. Not wasting time, I hit one of the spots on his hand to make it go numb as he dropped his sword. I took it in my hand, stepping away from him quickly to avoid him taking it back. He looked at me in defeat, as defeated as a man like him could look like. The Fire Pillar looked at me in awe, then smiled. “Well done! A good practice, perhaps we could train more together-“ Putting the sword delicately on the ground, I approached him and pressed on his stomach wound, making him groan in pain as he bent forward, pushing my hand away.

“You are in no condition to fight, train or move. Go back to bed, or I will have to use force to get you there myself,” The look he gave me broke my heart, that was defeat. That was a man so out of his comfort zone, he did not know how to cope. Known for always standing, always be the last one with will, ready to fight and to get everyone’s hopes up. He closed his eyes a moment, then gave me a stern nod. “Very well,”

It needed convincing to let me help him to the bed, where I had to change his clothes and bandages, but he let me. Perhaps I had gotten to him, perhaps he was now fully aware of how dire his situation was. “If you stay put, you’ll be back on your feet in no time,” I told him while finishing wrapping the bandages around his stomach. I hummed to myself, trying to convince myself too. I had no idea how long it would take, because I knew he would not listen. Yet, I hoped it was enough to get him back to his hype.

“Will you sing for me?” The ginger asked once I handed him a fresh attire on my way to get the tray from the other bed. Stopping in my tracks, I returned slowly to his bedside. “You should eat first, slowly, please,” I told him with a short smile. Once he had dressed up, albeit groaning upon moving to slide his arms inside the sleeves, I put the tray on his lap and gestured for him to go on.

The peace of the moment did not last when he started eating like he hadn’t seen a meal in years, portions after portions, too big to fit his mouth, I had to stop him and take the chopsticks from his hand. “Are you purposedly doing the opposite of what I tell you, Kyojuro?” I asked, slightly annoyed.

“Those are small! I am hungry, can I have my chopsticks back, songbird?” He asked, his hand extended. I had to hold back from choking when I heard the nickname he had given me but decided against saying anything. It had some charm, and if I said anything he might stop, I liked it for now…

Instead, I sighed. “This,” I scooped some food with the chopsticks and showed him, “Is an adequate portion, you have to be careful-“ I stared at him in awe when he leaned in and ate the rice from the chopsticks I was holding. Once he was done, he looked back at me with smile, “More,” was all he said.

I blinked a few times, considering telling him off but I felt like he would still gobble down the whole meal if I didn’t do it myself. With a roll of my eyes, I took more rice and placed my hand under it as I brought it to his mouth, “You are a chaotic man,” there was a huge grin on his lips as he ate, speaking before he even finished, “Delicious! More!”

There was no helping the smile that drew itself on my face, “I’ll tell them you enjoyed it,” I huffed, feeding him some more. Every bite he would tell me to give him more, as annoying as it was, it was also growing on me in an endearing way. He did ask for another portion, which surprised me considering how much he ate but I complied. Once we were done, he seemed to be a lot calmer than he had been since he had woken up. His mind was somewhere else as he stared at his battered hands, there were a few cuts on it from his fight and I was afraid he was thinking about it too much.

“Now that your stomach is full, perhaps you should rest, Kyojuro,” Fluffing his pillow, I asked him to lay down, but he wasn’t in the mood for that. No, he was still staring at his hands, lost in thoughts. I put the tray outside and came back, placing my hands delicately on his. It seemed efficient enough since he looked up with wide eyes, a look that pierced a soul for simply coming from him. “I still have a lot of energy, would you mind staying?” He asked, his tone loud, his hands gripping mine. I hid the surprise of his actions and laughed lightly.

“I have things to do, it is still the morning, I will come back by noon-“ “What do you have to do? Can you do it here?” He apologized just as fast as he interrupted me, then he laid down with a groan. “I should rest, please wake me up when you come back,”

Finding his attitude odd, I stayed between the bed and door, half-way to each. Could he be sleeping badly? Could he be in the need of company? I looked around and pondered a moment. All I had to do was train and take a look at everyone in the mansion. The latter having been done for the morning, I only had one thing to do for now. So, I went back to the ginger. “I have to train, while you are not fit to do so yourself, perhaps would you like to help me out? Give some pointers of things I could improve? Would that suit you?”

The speed at which he sat up mad me rush to his side as I held onto his shoulders and told him to calm his enthusiasm. He only smiled in return, telling me he could not contain the joy it brought him to leave the bed. “You have only been awake for so little time, you are quite easily bored,” I stated as I told him to wrap an arm around my shoulders so that I could help him move to the veranda, making sure he took a pillow with him. “I’ll let you sit outside, but you don’t move from there, understood?” He nodded firmly in response as he dropped the pillow on the ground. I helped him sit down with care, then, albeit hesitantly, brought him his sword from the ground and set it beside him.

“Don’t move,” I extended my hand as a gesture to keep him on the spot, “You stay put, and you don’t practice, you stay right- there,” I continued while stepping back. When he laughed oh so charmingly, I almost tripped on the tatami. “I’m not moving!” It’s not without a side-glance that I left the room, only to come back just as fast, changing from a heavy kimono to a lighter jinbei. It wasn’t light-colored like the one we let the wounded wear, it was dark blue and nice to wear.

As I positioned in front of the veranda, in the grass, I couldn’t help but glance at the pair of eyes watching me. “I don’t usually train in front of others, it’s strange,” I chuckled, maybe more self-conscious than I thought I’d be. This was not the time to feel as such, so I reprimanded myself internally and got myself together.

“Don’t mind me! I love sword training; I won’t bother you!” He said loud enough for me to hear, perhaps even to become deaf if I was close enough. Nodding, I started my usual training, feeling very aware of the intense stare of the man. He wasn’t looking as carefree as before, he was observing, gauging all my movements, the way I held my sword, the way I positioned my feet, each of my slashes. A knot formed in my throat, a need to prove myself arose. This was a Pillar, after all.

Just as he said, I ignored his presence the best I could. It was hard to not glance at him every time I felt like I messed up, when I would peek, he would be looking at me intently. His gaze would stay on my mind as I focused back on my training, I was taking a liking to it. As much as it pressured me some way, unvoluntary to him, I found his face too beautiful to feel fear from the intensity of his look.

While thinking of him, and my movements, I trained until noon. Not a word was being exchanged between us, but I was glad it kept him from moving. I could have gone on and on once I was in the proper headspace and I was able to tune out the Fire Pillar’s strong presence, that was until Naho came in and tugged my sleeve, asking me to lean in. Crouching to her height, I listened carefully then let her go.

“I have tasks that need my attention, I will have to leave you-“ I stammered at the end when I saw the look of awe in Rengoku’s eyes, it elated a nervous laugh from my part as I leaned in to help his arm around my shoulders. Once he was stable, he looked at me with a big smile, “I’ve never seen such sword style, it’s so beautiful! I can see the way your heart is set ablaze once you are focused properly, you enjoy fighting and it shows,” He said it with such astonishment and appreciation that it made heat rush to my face, I only mumbled a thank you in response.

“Would you mind bringing me to my room? Sickbay is uneventful, if I get to my room perhaps one of the recruits will come barging in and bring entertainment with them!” Staying in the infirmary would be better for him, but I knew that every passing second he was focused on his breathing to make the healing process faster, tiring himself on the way. Giving him a curt nod, I said, “Very well, this means I’ll have to come visit you more. The three girls are afraid to go in the Pillars’ wing and won’t be able to watch over you, make it easier for both of us and be good, Kyojuro.” I paused before saying his name, not yet used to it.

He laughed loudly in response, only to grunt in pain quickly after, “That hurt- you made me laugh too hard,” The man seemed out of breath, which wasn’t reassuring for the little he had moved but we were closing in on his room. It wasn’t too far from the infirmary and also had a view on the garden that surrounded the mansion. “It was not in my plan to make you laugh; may I ask what brought that fit of laughter?” I was curious, I’ll admit.

“You said it as if it was a pain to have you visit more often, but I find your company relaxing. I will gladly appreciate each second of your presence by my side,” Upon hearing his words, I choked on my saliva but hid it behind a clearing of my throat as I looked to the side, a neutral expression on my face. “Sleep and you’ll find me by your side a lot sooner than expected, does it sound fair to you?” I asked as I slid the door open and helped him inside, asking him to stand still, wordlessly. “The excitement of seeing you again will keep me restless!” He said while I laid his futon on the ground.

“You have two choices then, you sleep on your own accord or I find that one spot in your neck to make you pass out. Which would it be?” He blinked in response, laughing breathlessly as he ushered to the futon, leaning on me as I set him down. “I will try to sleep, if you promise to sing for me when you come back,”

Rolling my eyes in response, I agreed. “I will see you in a few hours, rest well. And stop the focused breathing, you’ll only get tired more,” Rengoku’s eyes widened, as if surprised by my guess. The man thought himself slick enough to not get caught being sneaky, if sneaky was the adequate word. He was putting a lot of effort in his healing, but also slowing it down since his body was too tired, which rendered it all in vain. He nodded, a serene expression on his face while a small smile displayed on his lips. “Sleep it is, wake me up once you are back,” Another curt nod was what I gave him before departing.

For some reason, as I checked up on the patients in the medical wing, my mind kept wandering off. There was this feeling inside my chest that I could only describe as excitement at the thought of seeing the Fire Pillar again. His aura was so welcoming and warm, one could only feel drawn to it, to him, to his strong-willed attitude, his delightful albeit loud laugh and his oh so bright smile. As I was finishing up my tour, I had time to dwell in my thoughts no more when the young recruit in front of me tried to get out of bed.

“Tanjirou, you are to stay in bed until tomorrow. Should I call Aoi so that she keeps you bound to bed?” I knew the younger healer had some affection to spare for the newest slayer, I was not yet sure if he felt the same way, but he was well-enough aware that she was strong enough to keep him unmoving until the proper time. Her goal was to see all the injured slayers back on their feet, and while she wouldn’t admit it, she made it her top priority when Tanjirou was part of those injured people. “I’m fine! Look, I can move, I have to train! Being bed ridden is not enough of an impairment that it’d stop me from getting better, I have to-“ “If you leave this bed I won’t tell you what I know about a certain Pillar,” I trailed off, holding back the mischievous smile from my lips.

The brunette stopped everything and looked at me with wide-eyes, his scarred hands gripping mine, “Where is Rengoku! How- can I see him? His wounds, are they-“ “Let’s take a breath first, hm? He is awake-“

“I have to see him! I need to see him, please bring me to his room nurse-“ I made an exhausted face, “I’m not a nurse. The closest you’ll get to nurses would be Naho, Kiyu and Sumi, also Aoi but she is a strong fighter. I am here to treat your wounds, that is it.” He quickly apologized then fell silent. His state was not as bad as Rengoku’s, physically, but seeing the Pillar almost die in front of his eyes had an effect on the young man that was clearly visible if you paid enough attention. “He is bored and bed-ridden, but…” A glint of hope lit up in the young slayer’s eyes. “He wishes some company, if you promise to let me help you to his room, and to stay put once there, I am willing to bring you there. Only if you promise those things, is that clear?”

Nodding vigorously, he threw his legs to the side of the bed and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I quickly realized he was in a better shape that I thought, for he did not need to lean on me much. On our way out I grabbed the crutches one of the girls had left and made our way to Kyojuro’s room. “Kyojuro, can I come in?” I called out once we arrived at his door.

“Yes you may!” So he is awake… does fatigue mean nothing to him? “I’ve been thinking, perhaps we could-“ He stopped mid-sentence when he saw Tanjirou by my side. I was also caught off guard when I saw the ginger kneeling on his heels, waiting expectantly while facing the door in which I stepped in. “Young Tanjirou! A pleasant surprise indeed, it is great to see that you are well-“ once more he could not finish his sentence as the brunette threw himself at him and hugged him tight. A loud huff escaped the ginger’s lips, but he hugged back, for a second I wondered how it’d feel to be wrapped around his inviting arms, but it was only a mere moment before I rushed to their collapsed form on the tatami.

“Tanjirou, Kyojuro is in no shape to get tackled yet. Would you mind getting off of him?” I tried to pry him away from the Pillar, but he was holding tight.

“It’s alright! It is a very welcomed hug! Would you like to join in, songbird?” My heart skipped a beat once again when the nickname rolled of his tongue after his invitation. It brought a smile to my face, but I only shook my head in response, “You are both too brute, I’ll wait until you’re done worsening your state, then I’ll step in,” I joked, making the Pillar laugh loudly. For some reason, it brought great pride in my heart to have made him laugh as such.

After a few minutes, Tanjirou moved away from the Fire Pillar, his eyes red and his cheeks stained with tears. Rengoku was in a better state, but if you paid closer attention, his eyes were watery from tears threatening to fall. I let them talk a while, when a few hours passed and Tanjirou’s eyelids were drooping, I interrupted them, “I believe it is enough for today, wouldn’t you agree?” I asked both men, but only one answered, the other one was kneeling next to him, sniffling. “The young man needs some rest; It was quite the adventure to see me it seems!” “I’ll bring him back to his room-“

“I’ll do it!” Aoi suddenly entered the room, a frown on her face. “He shouldn’t have left the bed in the first place, but you seem to be bending the rules a lot today,” She threw me a glare that quickly softened when she looked at Kyojuro then at me. A smug smile followed, “The things we do for lo-“ “And now you leave, I’ll see you at dinner. Refrain from bothering me any more than necessary, understood?”

With the same smile, she gave me a thumbs up, “Oh I understood very clearly, very very clearly. No interruption, no, none!” She then ushered away, Tanjirou at her side as she berated him lovingly on her way out. Once they were gone, I sighed.

“How is your wound?” I asked the Pillar as I knelt beside him, it was exhausting how prone he was to do exactly the opposite of what I would tell him. And yet, he was still a real sunshine to be with. “You are very worried, why is that? It’ll heal, it has not reopened, I am fine.” He said, lifting the shirt to show the wrappings still intact.

It’s with a deep breath that I explained one of the reasons I needed him in good health, “You are very valuable, and even if Master Ubuyashiki said he did not want you to fight you’d join fight anyway. The same fight that is in preparation, the one you’ll have to be ready for. I want you to be able to fight at the best of your abilities, because I trust you are powerful enough to tip the scale in our favor. So, make it easy for me, for both of us... I do not wish to be the reason you lose your life during the fight just because I did not treat you well enough, please…”

There was a short silence, sincerity was the best way to go with a man like him. He wanted that, he needed truths, not matter how it went, so I gave it to him. I was expecting him to be stubborn and tell me that he was fine, but he surprised me instead, “I will do my best to ease the burden of treating me!” “You’re not a burden- I did not mean it as such, I meant-“

“I am joking! I will stay put. Would you mind staying a bit longer? Having some company keeps me in check, it stops me from needing to do something to distract me from my thoughts,”

It caught me off guard, how blunt it was. I could have guessed something was troubling his mind, a lot could be doing so, but admitting he did not want to be alone… That was surprising, I could only accept. “I do owe you a song, do I not?” A huge smile made its way on his lips, it made my cheeks heat up from the undivided attention he now brought to me. I cleared my throat, when I was about to start he leaned in and held the side of my face, his thumb brushing over my right cheek. “You are embarrassed! Don’t be, I genuinely enjoy your voice, please don’t feel shy,”

There was no way I could tell him it did not help now that he had touched me, and that I felt my whole body set aflame. Instead, I moved his hand from my cheek and held it in mine, then started singing one of the many songs I was taught as a child. It always threw me back to my childhood, a wave of nostalgia hitting me. I closed my eyes, picturing old memories from when I was in my childhood home, running around with the other kids, summers, such as this one, spent in the fields, catching beetles. Helping my dad bring back wood to the house, it all came back to me.

Slowly, the song ended, I opened my eyes again and, in front of me, Kyojuro had tears rolling slowly down his face. “I’m sorry, did that song bring bad memories?”

“It was beautiful, it made me think of my little brother. I often helped him train with a wooden sword, before I became a Pillar. I miss him dearly, but plan on visiting my father’s house once this is over, maybe show him my breathing technique.” He paused, then smiled kindly, “You have a delicate voice, it felt like you were telling a story with such beautiful words. Would you care to sing another one?” A knot formed in my throat at the compliment he directed at me, not hearing his request at first. There was a delay in my response, but I nodded.

I patted his futon, “I’ll sing as many songs as you need until you fall asleep, I know you haven’t slept since I left,” “I don’t want to miss any of them!” I chuckled at his enthusiasm and went to grab a pillow from the closet to get more comfortable. “That is a problem, you are keen on not sleeping. I will not ask the reason why, but is there any way to convince you to sleep?”

The soft chuckle that left his lips made me uneasy, I saw the way his eyes looked askance as he slowly laid back on the futon. “Awful dreams plague my mind, it makes me restless, I found some respite when hearing your voice in my dreams… But it seems it’s not enough to keep them at bay,” He paused and huffed a laugh, “It is nothing I can’t get through, do not worry-“ “I’ll stay by your side until you’re asleep then, I’ll make sure to come check up on you throughout the night if you wish.”

His eyes widened, I caught myself off guard too. I should leave him; it was not a requirement to make sure he slept like a baby. It was not a requirement to care that much, but I felt a pull. Like planets around the sun, I felt right, it felt reassuring. “There is no need! I could never ask this much of you, I will be fine.”

I huffed and gesture for him to wait as I left the room, to only come back a few minutes after with trays of food. “Let us say, it is like I’m staying over for the night. Like when we were children, staying at a friend’s house,” Putting the trays next to Rengoku’s futon, I went to the cabinet and pulled out the other futon that was tucked away, and the small tables to keep the tray at a proper height. “Sumi will bring us tea, and you,” I placed his tray on the table next to him, “Will eat slowly, or I will make sure you don’t fight at all, understood?”

Relief flooded my body when he laughed loudly, nodding as he sat up. “Promised! Although, it would mean you would take care of me longer, I would not be against it,” My breath hitched in my throat, I looked at him without speaking. Then he let out a breathless laugh, “You are getting very playful, but your determination could not withstand being bed-ridden longer than necessary,” I started, opening the shoji-doors to take the teapot from Sumi’s hands, “You yearn for a fight, you would never let me worsen your state,” I said lightly as I knelt by my small table and poured tea inside Kyojuro’s cup.

“I yearn for something, someone, worth defending, protecting. I do not enjoy fighting aimlessly, I fight to protect the innocents and the ones who make my heart burn with passion,” He stared right at me as he said so, I felt how strongly he meant those words he had spoken. The need to apologize for assuming he was but a hot-blooded fighter was too strong, so I did. I apologized to him. “Do not, do not! It’s alright, I know a few Pillars who enjoy a good fight. If they ever ask to fight me, I will gladly accept, it is always a good practice,” He added, grinning as he brought a good portion of food with his chopsticks.

Feeling the need to lighten the mood, I ate a bit and told him, “Naho told me you enjoyed sweet potatoes, she is going to make some tomorrow, that ought to brighten your spirit-“ “Absolutely! Will you eat with me?” Looking up, I quirked a brow and smiled softly, about to explain, “I usually eat with-“ “Until I get back on my feet! After that, I will let you go back to Naho, Sumi and Kiyo. It would be an honor to have you eat with me while I get back to health!” He cut me off.

Closing my mouth, I weighed his words- how did he know I usually ate with them? “I am surprised you know of my evening routine, should I be worried of the extra pair of eyes watching my every movement?” It was a first, to see his face turn red in embarrassment. I had said so playfully, but it seems it made him a lot more bashful. “I did not mean to make you uncomfortable! I see you around the mansion, often around the same time in the evening you eat with them, that is all! I may have asked them to tell me when you are free, too. To no avail, they are silent as a tomb regarding your person,”

Sipping from my cup, I was now the one embarrassed as I asked, “Why would you want to know when I am free? I do not bite, you can ask me. Since Tengen is very curious, I told them to not tell a soul anything about me, that is all,”

Instead of replying, he shoved as much food in his mouth, before pointing at it and making me understand he couldn’t speak if it’s full. “I did tell you to eat small portions, Kyojuro. You’re going to-“ Choke is how I finished the sentence as I handed him his cup to help him swallow what he was choking on.

Once he was good, he cleared his throat and stared at me, a big smile on his face. The pink dust on his cheek had not left, “You are very busy, and resolved!” I laughed at that, nodding. “It shows when you train, even under the rain! You are not thrown off by such things, you are tenacious and strong. I like that!” The more he talked, the more I was becoming aware I was not the only one who would try to catch a glimpse of him, he would look my way too. I never caught him looking at me, we talked many times when crossing paths in the mansion, or when I’d treat his injuries. But here, it was different.

Here he was admitting he would try to find the right time to come my way, strike a conversation. Make it seem accidental too, but he was, as per his words, also very determined in his own actions. Perhaps too subtle, which was ironic coming from such a loud man, in his endeavor. “You admit you’ve been gawking when I train?” I asked jokingly, elating a silent gasp as he looked to the side only for a moment before looking at me.

“I am, yes! I wish to get to know you better and being bed-ridden seems to be the best way to do so,” I hummed in response, he continued, “I also see you lurking! You are bad at hiding your presence, but it’s alright. I can help you with that, if you’d like?” This time I was the one to choke on my food, he was just as fast to hand me his cup, instead of mine. I hesitantly took it, and drank some of his tea, handing it back to him with a thank you.

“I do not lurk, I come across your training and- and simply get fascinated by your movements. When Pillars are at the mansion, they leave just as soon, you do not, I take every opportunity to better my skills, that is all… And I do watch them train too… A bit,” I shrugged, putting my chopsticks horizontally on the bowl once I was done. It was a half-truth, it was part of the reason, yes. But when the others were training, I would let them be. When the Fire Pillar was part of the equation, I’ll admit I was gawking, drinking in the sight when he’d attach his long sleeves with a ribbon and tie his hair back. His eyes focused and sharp, he could see everything. No wonder he caught me.

“I asked the others! They sometimes catch you glancing at them, but that’s it. You only watch me, I do not mind! It’s cute, maybe we could train together if you are so willing to better your great skills,” He said genuinely, as if he hadn’t exposed my longing. Maybe he had not understood how much I enjoyed looking at him, craving to get closer and talk to him. But he had said so too, we both wanted to get to know one another.

Putting his chopsticks down, he was about to help me tidy up without saying anything more, but I told him to stay there. “Don’t, I’ll do it. You should lay down,” I said as I stood up, cleaning everything. “Lay down? Do you not know that if you go to sleep right after eating, you turn into a cow?” He said jokingly. “That is a superstition, as a child I believed so, but I know better now,” I walked to the door and placed everything outside, calling for the girls and hearing their socks against the well-waxed parquet as they rushed to the room. “I will be spending the night here, do not disturb,” I whispered to them. It earned me reddened cheeks as they ushered away, giggling and murmuring to each other.

Once I went back inside, Rengoku was standing with the crutches as he looked at me, beaming, “We should go for a walk! I do not wish to turn into a cow,” He said with conviction, a playful gleam in his eyes as he gestured with his head to follow him. “You…” I squinted my eyes, in a threatening way.

“I am not ready to go to sleep just yet, I wish to spend more time with you! Join me for a stroll?” Sighing, I reached his side and stood close to him as we wandered to the veranda. I was ready to catch him at any time if he tripped but he seemed to be managing well, “You do not really believe you’ll turn into a cow, do you?” I broke the silence, elating a loud laugh from the Fire Pillar. “I do not! Perhaps Senjuro believes it still, he is afraid to whistle at night in fear of attracting serpents,” Wanting to fool him a bit, I looked at him in shock, “Does it not?” His eyes widened as he stood still, looking at me in surprise.

Bursting out laughing, I held his arm and waved my arm in front of him, “I’m joking! You should have seen your face,” I laughed, trying to stay as silent as possible. “I am not a very superstitious person. But do not tell Master Ubuyashiki, he is a firm believer,” I told him discretely, noticing Kiyo at the corner ahead of us. She was eavesdropping, probably curious since I told them I would be staying in the Fire Pillar’s room tonight. “We have company,” I whispered, glancing subtly towards her. Without looking, Kyojuro smiled beautifully, “I am very aware, hopefully they will not tell Aoi that I am out of bed, bad things happen when we go against her orders,” His tone was lower than I’ve ever heard it, I even believed he did not know how to whisper. But he could, visibly.

“You are under my responsibility now, she has nothing to say with what I do with, or to, you,” I said in a playful tone, hoping to convey that I could do anything if he did not listen to me. Warmth filled my body when he threw me a side-glance and smirked. It was quick and gone like the breeze, but I caught it and it made me feel very much alive. We then both talked at the same time, I told him to go ahead but he encouraged me to go on, which I did, “They spread rumors like wildfire, those three girls, if Aoi is in on it, it’s going to be quite fast,” I said off-handedly, looking around to see if they were still here.

Laughing, Kyojuro stopped and leaned against the wall a moment, smiling my way, “The saying goes: rumors only last 75 days. All we will need to do is turn that rumor into truth! If it’s not a rumor, it’s not a problem!” I turned around, my eyes open wide in surprise as my mouth opened only slightly, speechless. Chuckling nervously, I did not comment on it and simply changed topic, clearing my throat as I nodded his way, “Let me help you back to your room, you seem exhausted,” Did he not realize what he was saying? How blunt, how forthright, and yet he seemed to be liking the idea a lot since he was smiling from ear to ear.

“I am not tired, maybe I’ve thought my recovery better than it actual is,” He laughed, letting me help him. He kept one crutch as we made our way back, while leaving the other behind. I was sure Kiyo would take it back to his room before we even arrived. “I forgot to ask you, what did you want to say earlier?” “That I wish to court-“ Repeating ‘no’ many times, I quickly interrupted him, ignoring the direction his sentence was going. “When we both spoke at the same time, you were going to say something,” He went silent a moment.

Then he laughed lightly, he moved his hand holding the crutch, losing his balance a bit. He seemed to stammer as he tried to find his words then found himself and said with confidence, “I would like to hold your hand, unfortunately it would be hard in the position we are in right now,”

A sound left my throat, out of surprise. Followed by a nervous laugh, before I moved my hand that was holding his elbow around my shoulders, to holding his hand. It was a strange position, the back of my hand was in his palm, our fingers intertwined. His hands were rough but warm, it felt comforting. None of us spoke until we arrived at his room, that’s when I gently removed his arm from around my shoulders to let him lay down, but he did not let go. Looking at him, I noticed the redness of his cheeks as he spoke, “I meant what I said, I wish to properly court you. Perhaps a few steps have been skimmed over already since you are in my chambers-“

I couldn’t help the embarrassed laugh, thinking he meant that since we were in the same bedroom we could have sex, but he quickly let go of my hand and moved them in front of him in panic, “Not in the way we should do anything! I find it funny that you are staying tonight, and I am grateful for it too-“ He paused and rubbed the back of his head before looking at me, “I am not good at this! But I like you!” He said loudly.

I snorted as I moved the crutch Kiyo brought back, next to his futon, then the penny dropped. I hadn’t paid attention to the last part, and it was now being assimilated in my brain. Keep your cool, get to know him, then see how it goes.

“I accept your courting, I would also like to get to know you…” Trailing off, I sat down on my futon after having blown the light off, “You are interesting Kyojuro, you’d be even more interesting if you listened to me once in a while,” I said playfully while laying down, facing his futon. He did the same, but did not seem exhausted at all, he was staring at me with wide eyes and a smile. “I am so excited to recover fully to finally be able to train with you!” He reached out across the tatami, his arm not long enough to reach my side with the distance between us.

My hand clenched the pillow tight, then I let go and reached out for his hand. I didn’t say anything, only continuing the conversation, but I stuttered as I spoke when I saw the content smile on his lips once I wrapped my hand around his. “I’ll see if Shinobu can help with your healing, I cannot promise anything… It’s funny because all you have to do is: nothing, and yet you’re struggling,” I huffed, laying on my back, while still holding his hand, “You mentioned someone called Senjurou, is that your brother?” I whispered, directing the question to the only person in the room.

Yet, I did not receive and answer. Calling his name softly, no answer was given again. I looked at him from the corner of my eye and saw he had fallen asleep, “Already?” I breathed, facing him once more. “Good…” When I tried to free my hand from his grasp, he held tighter but did not wake up. I let out a breathy laugh and squeezed back, thinking that there was no leaving him tonight. There were worse predicaments than this one, like having to take care of Sanemi’s wounds, right.

With how quiet the night was, sleep easily came to me. Deep inside, I was not convinced it was the quiet of the night that made it so easy to sleep, perhaps it was the comforting presence of the Pillar by my side. Whichever it was, I did not care.

[Part 2]

[thefairyletters]

I saw you rb a SaiSaku post and was curious if you had any fanfic recs for this rarepair?!

Do I have?!!!!! I am currently binging this ship so you couldn't have asked this at better time.

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This pair is not a crack ship! Crack would mean they have not shared more than two words with each other. But SaiSaku interactions always bordered on romance and best friends who don't act like it. Not only Sakura was the first person to acknowledge Sai had human side to him and bonded with him over his painting, Sai was also the only person outside Sasuke (in part 1) to be able tell her fake smiles and he always understood her feelings better than other characters. Had Sakura ever only cared for good looks (something she don't) then with Sai she'd get that and so much more.

I have always considered SaiSaku as the next best thing after NaruSaku. They had too much potential as a couple. I am not bitter that InoSai became a thing but looking at them I only feel that "Ino didn't get Sasuke so she get his look-alike." Besides, Sai gave people nicknames that are opposites to what actually feels about them – Naruto as Dickless, Sakura as Hag/Ugly and Ino as Beautiful – which makes it worse. Both Ino and Sai deserve better than this. If Kishi has shown them together more often or had interactions between them similar to SaiSaku then I can understand why Ino is his light. I guess it is also SP's fault for showing them in different light. For all SP hates Sakura, they enjoy messing up with her fans by feeding them false hope.

Whenever I want to read something hilarious but deep, SaiSaku is my to-go couple. Usually angsty, or full bout of insults and punches. There's no in between with them.

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This list contains my favorite SaiSaku collection. I am not sure if you like SaiSaku only as romance ship but this list also contain stories that expands on SaiSaku friendship, something I absolutely adore.

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Could Roses Bloom? : RiseoftheBlossom || M || AO3 || Shippuden AU || GaaSaku, SaiSaku || Angst, Romance || Ongoing

Sai glanced downwards at his body, the sudden override of his thoughts causing his mind to blank. What did that mean? Had he been straying too close to a piece of information Danzo didn't want him to have or share? Or was it his mind's natural response to shutting down any form of emotion, even if it was just the slightest of inclination towards feeling something?

Go for it if you like: enemies-to-friends-to-lovers troupe, SaiSaku friendship, confused-over-his-feelings!Sai, slow burn, GaaSaku, boys who are bad at feelings, Sakura who is unlucky with romance, angst with fluff

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hello, bright eyes (been waiting on you) : mouseymightymarvellous || T || AO3 || Shippuden AU || SaiSaku || Angst, Romance || One Shot

“look underneath the underneath,” except no one has ever really bothered to look at sakura and see her. and then there is a boy (isn’t there always). maybe they’re both just ghosts, making each other real.

Go for it if you like: enemies-to-friends-to-lovers troupe, confused-over-her-feelings!Sakura, boys who are bad at feelings, Sakura who is unlucky with romance, Sai and Sakura who don't feel like they belong, angst with fluff, sad!Sai

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Oh God That’s Heaven : blueberrysconesandfolkmusic || T || AO3 || Shippuden AU || SaiSaku || Angst, Romance || One Shot

Sakura finds Sai sick, alone, and in desperate need of a hand that doesn't hurt.

Go for it if you like: boys who are bad at feelings, bleeding-heart!Sakura, sad-and-lonely!Sai, Sai and Sakura who are secretly best friends, Sai with PTSD, protective!team7

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for everything blue and bright : sinemoras09 || M || AO3 || Shippuden AU || SaiSaku, SasuSaku || Angst || One Shot

The five stages of human arousal.

Go for it if you like: lonely!Sai, obsessed!Sakura, One-sided love, Unrequited-love-no-matter-how-you-look-at-it!SaiSaku, no-good-very-bad!Ending, pining!Sai, bittersweet lemon

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A mess of me : Dovey || M || AO3 || Pre-Shippuden AU || SaiSaku || Yandere Romance || Complete

In which Sai is a good ANBU agent with an unusual hobby, and Sakura grows up with a #1 fan rooting for her....even if she doesn't know it. Or: Sai starts stalking Sakura when they're both young to satisfy his curiousity about 'normalcy', gets attached, and eventually gets very frustrated that nobody else seems to notice her potential as a shinobi and takes matters into his own hands- and delights in being Sakura's prime source of validation because of it.

Go for it if you like: obsessed!Sai, manipulation, stalker!Sai, mentor!Sai, SaiSaku friendship, distraught!Kakashi, fluff, baby-Sai-stalking-baby-Sakura, abusive haruno household

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There is sunshine on his forehead : amako || T || AO3 || Soulmate AU || SaiSaku but it's complicated || Angst, Hurt/Comfort || One Shot

Sakura is only three when she promises herself that Sasuke will die by her hand, whoever he is.

Go for it if you like: dysfunctional Team 7, Soulmate AU, Unrequited love feels, angst heavy, Sai and Sakura only want to belong, NaruSasu, NaruSaku but not really, betrayal heavy, no fluff only pain, SaiSaku, Team 7 taking Sakura for granted, Sakura is so done

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In theory : nimblnymph || T || FFN || Shippuden || SaiSaku || Romance, Humor || One Shot

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Sai was about to learn that this theory applied to more than just physics. And that putting theory into practice sometimes gave unexpected results.

Go for it if you like: oblivious!Sai, teacher!Sakura, student!Sai, Sai getting educated, Sakura educating Sai, Kisses, Sai being Sai, Sakura with patience of god

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Loathing : i AM the Random Idiot || T || FFN || Shippuden || SaiSaku || Romance, Angst || One Shot

Define "hatred."

Go for it if you like: oblivious!Sai, hurt!Sai, Angst, Onions, SakuSai bonding over mutual hate, love is overrated anyway

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Bunk Mates : ice bitten || T || FFN || Shippuden || Team 7 || Humor, Friendship || One Shot

In which Sasuke and Naruto find out Sakura has been sleeping over at Sai's. Short stories surrounding Sakura, Sai, and the invasive people of Konoha.

Go for it if you like: sassy!Sai, protective!Team7, SaiSaku friendship, roommates, Sai being Sai, Perfect characterisation, Canon feels

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Paint me with Colour : PeregrineFlight || T || FFN || post-Shippuden || SaiSaku|| Humor, Friendship || Incomplete

Sai and Sakura must travel to the Land of Lightning to retrieve something for the Daimyo, they have to travel as a married couple. Much to Naruto's amusement.

Go for it if you like: lonely!Sai, SaiSaku friendship, roommates, Sai being Sai, pretend marriage, SaiSaku bonding over mission, fluffy angst, adorable!Sai

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Forget Me Not : Joy-girl || T || FFN || post-Shippuden || Team 7 || Angst, Friendship || Complete

Sometimes it's easy to forget how important someone is when the person is always in the background – but Sakura's boys still remember. Glimpses of her importance from each member of her team.

Go for it if you like: fluffy angst, Sakura's place in team 7, underappreciated Sakura, Team7 family, Family feels, sad!Sakura, protective!Team7 males, Sakura appreciation, SaiSaku bond, Team7Saku feels, avenger!Teammates

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Add Me Colour : Cella N || T || FFN || post-Shippuden || SaiSaku || Drama, Romance || Complete

"All my life is white. Paint me. Add me colour."

Go for it if you like: lonely!Sakura, Sai being Sai, confused!Sakura, angst, poetic translation, colors

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Euphemisms : Nymbis || T || FFN || Shippuden || SaiSaku || Humor, Romance || Complete(?)

Drabbles about Sai, Sakura, and their strange attempts at bonding.

Go for it if you like: Sai being Sai, Sakura being Sakura, Hilarious friendships, SaiSaku friendship, loveggression, love-hate relationship, Insults, Sai's brand of humor, fluff with punches, Raunchy stuff

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Ricochet : Strix 4 || T || FFN || Shippuden AU || Team 7 || Family, Drama || Complete(?)

Sometimes it's easy to see the familiar in the faces around you. Sometimes it sucks to figure out why.

Go for it if you like: fluffy angst, Sakura's place in team 7, Team7 as family, Family feels, wise!Sakura, SaiSaku bond, Sai's place in team 7

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Pick up lines : Demoneyes 14 || T || FFN || Shippuden || SaiSaku || Humor || One Shot

Ero sennin's pick up lines! Guaranteed to get the girl or your money back! Well... it would be more guaranteed if it hadn't fallen on his face in the library, but heck, Sai will try anything once! Maybe it will save him a beating from Sakura...

Go for it if you like: Sai being Sai, Sakura being Sakura, SaiSaku friendship, loveggression, love-hate relationship, Insults, Sai's brand of humor, fluff with punches

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Special mentions...

Study of the Heart : teresa

In an effort to become a better friend, Sai undertakes a study of love, not really understanding how difficult it could be, and how surprising.

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The Blood of a Cherry Blossom : Slytherin Kunoichi

Originally, for Halloween, Sai hadn't decided what to go as, but once he glimpsed at the bleeding flesh on Sakura's neck, he suddenly had the urge to be a vampire…

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Old Dogs, New Tricks : yuugiri

After an unprecedented turn of events, the Fifth Hokage has officially assigned Sakura Haruno the responsibility to make Sai recover what he had lost; his emotions. With a time limit of a month, will Sakura succeed in this mission?

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Once More, With Feeling : Cynchick

Sakura didn't know what she was thinking when she showed up on his doorstep. 

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Ink Me : Krickitat

Exploring the art of bod-modification Sakura takes a step into the unknown world of the exquisite pain of art.

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The Uchiha Secret : Slytherin Kunoichi

Sasuke froze as he stared at Sai's eyes, which were identical to his Uchiha Sharingan eyes now: red with anger and black with hatred...One family secret could threaten and shake three lives forever. Bonds will be broken.

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My babies don't get enough love in the world.

[tartagilicious]

little light > gojou satoru

→ synopsis | a man who can see far too much is in love with a woman who can see nothing at all. (blind!reader)

→ genre | angst + fluff

→ word count | 1.5k

→ warnings | descriptions of blood, ptsd

→ note | I binged this show in two days and the only things I retained are that curses are bad and gojou is hot. this is my first time writing for him so I hope he’s in character enough !

“look at me."

his voice is gentle, patient with the distress that paints your features. blood runs over your skin like sweat, leaving a gruesome sheen as you grasp unsteadily for him. gojou gives you his hands without a second thought. the sight of you so frightened leaves him breathless.

“look at me. please.” he repeats, urging you on as your lip quivers. your entire body shakes as you say,

“i can’t."

your sudden sob startles him, hands gripping yours tightly. the words confuse him. he means to ask you, but the moment you raise your head, any question he might have had dies in his throat. for the first time, gojou satoru is left completely speechless.

dark blood pools unforgivingly into bright irises, physical evidence of your bad run-in with the special grade curse he’d just dealt with on your behalf. but as he stares at the way the red covers the expanse of your eyes, he feels hopeless. something in him breaks as your fingers tighten around his.

you wail softly as your nails leave angry half moons in his skin. he doesn’t mind the pain.

“...i can’t see you."

almost a year after the battle that had cost you your sight, your eyes had settled into a cooler gray tone, the vessel that had originally bursted settling low — useless for all but a story.

you tell your tale as one of advice, a lesson to someone who could perhaps benefit from your mistakes. a preliminary caution to anyone that might ask why you wear two eye patches. but gojou doesn’t miss the way your shoulders square, nor the way you take a few seconds too long to catch your breath every time you inevitably share it.

as someone who had stayed close to you during your recovery, gojou believed he could tell it just as well on his own by now. though the story still never ceased to make him sick; to bring up the image of your shaking form and blood-soaked face; to remind him of how it felt to lose a part of someone, a feeling he’d tried so hard to forget.

but there were things neither of you could truly forget, impacting your lives in ways that were simply unavoidable: not only as a human, but also as a jujutsu sorcerer. while handy with your usual method of choice, there was an undeniable disadvantage you had when faced with the threat of a curse.

instead of throwing yourself into the fray as you once had preferred, you were now forced to succumb to a disability that impacted the very things that grounded your soul.

but it’s with gojou’s guidance that you’re still able to hold a weapon at all.

it’s his voice that finds you when you begin to panic, to let the frustration of blind get to you.

“you fight with that thing on willingly when I don’t have a choice?"

“that’s not fair! you know the blindfold is just a cosmetic choice, don’t you?"

you can hear the way his lips purse in the playful tone of his voice. his footsteps pad lightly on top of the dirt of the training ground as he takes a step back, giving you a chance to loosen the grip on the weapon in your hand.

you resist a groan. of course you know it isn’t, but you choose not to say anything.

“I’m waiting for the day someone comes and knocks you off your pedestal, satoru. unless you enjoy the feeling of fighting blind?"

he hums. “thrilling, isn’t it?"

you let out a laugh of disbelief. “masochist."

it’s his rough fingers that intertwine with yours that keep you grounded in moments you feel like letting everything go.

too many nights do you find yourself sitting awake in a cold sweat, the residual shapes and colours from your dream fading as a vast nothingness takes its place. the frustration is heartbreakingly fresh as you silently beg for another moment of clarity, only to receive no response.

a sob bubbles up in your chest as you try hard to suppress it. the world feels as if it’s suddenly crumbing around you before you feel a limp hand reach over to catch yours.

gojou doesn’t say anything, but you know he’s awoken and looking at you.

carefully, you let your opposite hand find his shoulder as you twist to lay into him. he takes you without qualms, holding you close with one hand on your back while the other doesn’t leave yours.

after a few minutes of quiet cries, a finger trails up and down your back in a soothing nature.

“nightmare?” he asks.

you shake your head, letting out a strained breath.

“..I dreamt that I could see again."

gojou is silent at this. his hand squeezes yours tightly.

“I don’t—“ you cut yourself off, pursing your lips as to fend off another onslaught of tears. “I-I keep… I keep forgetting what your eyes look like—"

a sob tears from your throat as you curl around him. in that moment, gojou is almost glad that you can’t see the forlorn expression he wears.

but above all, it’s his unwavering support and will to stay by your side. had he not been there in that moment, there’s a part of you that doubts you would have found the will to make it out at all.

“i think i want to wear a blindfold.” you speak quickly, as if embarrassed, but the words pique your boyfriend’s interest immediately. gojou covers his cerulean eyes for his own reasons, but the idea of extending his odd custom to you is exciting.

hearing him sit up straighter next to you, you shift away, face heating just imagining the expression on his face. it’s exactly as you think — the grin stretching his lips is so wide it transcends the boundaries of nature.

“ah,” gojou hums, the child-like laugh that escapes him as he rises infectious. gojou carefully lends you his hand. the simultaneous absence and ever-flowing presence of infinity from beneath them mind numbing.

“you’re a good student, you know;” he gushes as he normally does, but the small hint of sweetness that lines his voice is like a quirk reserved for only you. “to follow in your teacher’s footsteps."

“think what you want, but do you know how hard it is to put on two eyepatches while blind?"

you say this, but can’t resist a laugh as he pulls you forward into him. gojou lands a chaste kiss on your forehead as he sets a comfortable pace you rely on him to keep. you trust him more than anyone to do so, just as you always have.

“well then,” he lets go of your hand when you reach your destination, recognisable as his office by the warm smell of wood and spring breeze through a cracked window. “allow me to be the one to make it easier."

gojou takes your wrist and puts what you assume is a blindfold in your hand. you poke around at it clumsily for a moment, trying to find the opening in the pool of fabric. when you can’t, he doesn’t become impatient. instead, he teases you and takes your hand in his, guiding you to the right places.

from there, you’re able to discard the eyepatches you wear, baring your eyes to the daylight. your innate senses don’t seem to pick up the way gojou stares at you, gaze swimming between glancing from your smile to your eyes. he’s prideful in the notion you’re able to smile in such a way again.

as you slip the fabric over your eyes, it bunches around your ears and fits awkwardly at the neck. but your smile is dazzling nonetheless, as if you couldn’t be happier.

“this will help, I think.” you say, still busy adjusting the fabric as you think aloud. “with my sight completely restricted like this, my other senses should be able to grow even stronger."

perhaps you’d never noticed, but goujou is already well aware of the way you’d adapted in the recent months. whether in the way you immediately resort to touch to identify things, or how you’re able to hear virtually anything — it sets a small buzz of hope aflame in his chest to have been able to witness such changes.

“stronger senses, huh?” gojou’s tone is suggestive as he pulls you in by your waist, head tilting down into yours. “does that mean what I think it does?"

when you laugh and string your arms around his shoulders, he smiles along.

“pervert."

anyone only listening to the conversation might assume you’re losing patience with the man in front of you, but the grin on your face is unmistakable. what your eyes can longer show seeps through in the gentle way you pull him down for a hug, and is returned in the arms that hold you tight.

[hatenotechlab]

Reliving Fears .

For @akkalatechlabs

He’s been requesting this for awhile, so here it finally is.

TW: PTSD attacks / panic attacks.

--

Purah was used to this now, or should have been at least. It was always a surprise to her whenever it happened. She has gotten better with it every single time it happened, though.

Whenever she finally got Robbie to fall asleep, she always strings her fingers through his hair, hoping tonight would go smoothly. Eventually falling asleep herself.

However there were times she'd wake up from her partner suddenly trembling, mumbling and sometimes even screaming.

It scared her extremely badly the first time it happened. It was always a shock whenever it did but she got better at it with time.

That first time, though... she’ll never forget it.

When his attacks came back.

Purah sits up quickly, watching him panic so suddenly; what was going on? She wanted to hug him, or at least do SOMETHING.

Robbie sits up, breathing heavily completely panicked; he was living through the feelings he had back at the citadel again and again. The worry, the fear, the sights... the overwhelming feeling of dread and misery.

Robbie didn't realize he was even home anymore, his sudden panic attack brought him back into that moment.

Purah had to do something about this, watching him have a breakdown was... terrifying and beyond upsetting.

They both been through so much, her experience with Fort Hateno wasn't all flowers and butterflies either, but she did not experience... this. This was a whole other level.

Robbie never told her he experienced this sort of... panic. Especially during the nights. It always happened during the nights when he least expected it.

It wasn't Robbie's fault, it really wasn't.

Purah finally managed to carefully pat his hands, looking at him.

“Purah... please be safe...don’t die, don’t die!” Robbie muttered under his clenched teeth, holding his head in his hands. Visibly shaking in complete despair.

"Robbie, hey... I am safe. We are both home safely..." Purah spoke in the softest voice she has ever spoken with in her entire life.

Robbie's eyes widened and he trembled again, coughing and hugging the bed sheets around him. Still living back in that moment.

Purah carefully took his hand, speaking a little louder however the softness was still there.

"Robbie, you are safe. I am safe... come back home." She looks at him still in a complete daze. Continuing she helps him lay back down beside her, calmly stringing her fingers in his hair as she kept repeating, "We are safe."

After awhile, Robbie's head jerked up, looking at Purah.

"... Purah? What's going on?"

"...You were panicking about... something." She replied, looking back at him.

Robbie frowns and laid against her.

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be sorry, Robbie..." Purah holds his hand, looking at it as she fell silent.

"..." He also fell silent. It wasn't something he liked to talk about.

How could he?

Hey Purah! I have breakdown at night and fear when I wake up, I'll be back at the Citadel panicking whether you are alive or not!

How could he even bring that up?

"...We will get through it." Purah chimes in as she pulls the blanket over them and smiles.

"We always manage to make things work. Now let's go to sleep. We still need to work on that new idea of yours soon!" Purah smiles and kisses Robbie softly, laying her head against his shoulder. Cuddling up close to him.

Hopefully now he will know everything is okay. She is right there beside him and she is not leaving him anytime soon.

[obae-me]

MC With PTSD

Word Count: 5068

Author’s Note: Thank you to the anon who requested this, due to a weird glitch your request got deleted, but I didn’t forget about it! I did my best to do some research since I’m not an expert on PTSD, so I apologize if this is not accurate.

Warning: Possible Trigger Warnings, Read Safely

Lucifer

He didn’t notice the symptoms at first. Don’t get him wrong, he’s highly observant. It’s just, for one, he’s not an expert in human behavior, and two, MC was doing a damn good job keeping themselves under control. If there were any abnormalities in their behavior, he first chalked it up to them getting adjusted to their new environment. 

That was, until the little signs didn’t go away with passing days, and they even became more severe. He would be lying if it said it didn’t make him anxious.

He was at RAD with MC during lunch, taking the break to not only get to know them better, but help them study should they need it. They had been perfectly fine then, maybe still not fully looking into his eyes while he talked, but open and content. They then went up to go to the restroom. When they came back, they were almost a different person. Their jaw was clenched, eyes glassy, the skin on their hand red from them scratching. 

“MC...is something wrong?” 

“No.” 

They spit the word out at him, coming out before he had even fully finished his question. He knew they were upset, but he loathed their tone. What had he done to deserve their venom? He straightened up in his seat, eyes lowered in a squint. 

“MC-” 

“What?” 

They hissed, much too jumpy and irritable. He was doing his best to stay level-headed, but it was driving him up a wall. He had done nothing to warrant how they were speaking to him. No one spoke to him like that. But before he could even attempt to lecture them, MC stood up, pushed their seat over, and with their hair balled up in their hands, they ran off. He called out their name, but was too stunned to follow them. He was left dizzy with such a powerful whirlwind of emotions in such a short amount of time. 

He gave them time to cool off, packing up their things, trying to ignore the worry starting to build up in his chest. He sighed. He was certain now that, even among humans, this was abnormal behavior. He scolded himself, he should’ve done something about it sooner. He put off his concern for the time being and continued his busy day at RAD, hoping work would distract these feelings of his. 

Hours passed, the school day came to a close, and Lucifer still had MC’s bag. He waited by the front door, D.D.D in hand, doing his best not to crush the device in his hands when MC wasn’t returning his multiple texts and calls. He kept tapping his foot against the ground. All of his other brothers confirmed that they hadn’t seen MC since before they went out with him to lunch. 

The time for worrying was now. 

He would check every office, every room, every corner of RAD if he had to. It took him hours of scouring the school building to find them. They had been in a dark dusty classroom that had been temporarily abandoned to be redecorated. They were under the teacher’s desk, knees into their chest, D.D.D thrown across the room near some flipped over desks. His notifications were all noted on the front screen. When MC heard his sharp footsteps, they tried sneaking further away into the darkness, covering their ears with their hands with a whimper. The closer Lucifer got, the more he could see them shaking. 

He got to his knees, calling out their name in a soft voice, hand extended to help them up should they want it. Upon hearing his voice, their head snapped up at him, looking panicked as it took them much too long to recognize who he was. 

“L-Lucifer?” Their voice sounded weak. They reached out to take his hand, and once they did, Lucifer gently held them close to his chest. He didn’t know why, he wasn’t one much for physical affection, but, the way they looked, like they weren’t aware of their surroundings...maybe this would help ground them back to place. 

In the safety of their home, the warm fire in the study giving off a peaceful glow, MC told him about it. Not everything, they weren’t ready for that yet. The teacup in their hands was still discovering it hard to stay steady. They told him enough, brushing over the traumatic event they experienced in the past, and then the thing in the hallway they saw that triggered them. They even told him how their many sudden and panic-inducing phone notifications made them feel, but then apologized for it. 

They...apologized, why? Why indeed when it should’ve been him to say ‘I’m sorry’. The only reason why he hadn’t said it yet was because he was doing his best to stay calm, working hard to not destroy anyone that would dare make them feel like that, not realizing the pen in his hand had already snapped in two. 

He got up, putting his coat around their shoulders, sitting down beside them. He was thankful they told him, even though he would’ve loved to be aware of this so much sooner for both of their sake’s. He put a supportive hand on the top of their head, fingers entangled in their hair, and told them to come to him immediately should they ever be triggered or panicked again. It didn’t matter when, where, why, he wanted them to come to him. 

He would work on not spamming their phone, and it was his own personal project to ensure that the scum in both the human and demon world were eradicated. He’d use whatever power he had to help them and make them safe. He knows what to look out for now, and it pleases him when MC comes to him for help so he can put his coat around them and bring them in his arms. He hates seeing him like this, but having him be their source of comfort, their safe space, boosts his pride greatly. 

Mammon

Of course he didn’t know. How was he supposed to figure it out, on his own? He was just supposed to come to that conclusion based on their actions when he didn’t even know how humans acted in the first place? 

This is what he kept telling himself, at least, when he made MC spiral into a panic attack. 

He didn’t mean to, seriously, he didn’t. He didn’t know, he didn’t know. He had them in his arms, rocking them back and forth, almost resorting to praying to his own father for them to stop. He didn’t know. 

He had been angry. Not quite Satan level angry, but close. He was tired, irritated, and his brother's relentless teasing had crossed the line for the day. His siblings knew when to stop, when they had taken things too far, and left him alone for the time being, but MC was unaware that giving him space was the best choice. They wanted to comfort him, to make him feel better, to bring him back to his usual carefree self. They cared for him. 

They approached him from behind in the hallway of the House of Lamentation. It was dark, but they could make out the silhouette of his wings against dim moonlight. He was already in his demon form, having probably been in it all day. An aura of emotions surrounded him, and already MC could feel it. They felt prickling on their skin, their hands already turning clammy. MC reached out to him, calling his name. 

Mammon twirled around quickly, his wings puffing up from his hips. He didn’t mean to touch them, but his wings had reacted so suddenly, it knocked their hand back and made them lose balance. They lost their footing and fell back to the floor with a squeak. They looked up at him to only see his eyes glowing, his fists tightened into balls. 

“What do you want? Eh? To be like everyone else? Tell me that I’m scummy? Joke about me?”

He took a step toward them in the dim light. 

“Tease me?”

He was unaware of their expression still. 

“Why don’t you say so-“ He finally stopped, his wings lowering. They had their arms up over their face, their entire body trembling. The noise of buzzing in his ears died down enough to hear that they were only taking gasping breaths like they couldn’t breathe. They started rocking themselves back and forth on the floor, their fingers digging into their own skin. In between breaths they were muttering quietly. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” 

He fell to his knees, hesitating about even touching MC after what he’d done to them. Then he wrapped them in a tight hug, not entirely sure what to do. He had to bite his own lip to keep from panicking himself. He buried his head in their shoulder. 

“Hey...hey huma-MC-don't be sorry. I’m sorry, please breathe.” 

Levi stepped out of his room to get angry at the commotion, but one look at the situation and the death glare from Mammon made him lower his head and leave them alone. When MC finally calmed down, they were exhausted and embarrassed, too numb for any more crying. He took the both of them back to his room to relax and talk things out so both of them could understand each other’s feelings better. 

MC told him about it, how because of one event in their life, they were prone to panic attacks and meltdowns. They curled up on his couch and told them how pathetic they were. He had to cling to them, bury his nose in their hair and told them not to worry. If anyone was pathetic and scummy, he was. 

He’ll cling to their side much more often. He’ll come to MC whenever he feels like that again so he won’t lash out at them. If any other brother gets riled up and attempts to cross the line, Mammon will be there to stop them. He’d rather have his siblings take out their anger on him than MC. 

Levi

He’s typically quite calm in public, most likely due to his social anxiety. He’s quiet, skittish, and shy. He only ever opens up and comes out of his shell when he’s home. Since he also stays in his room alone most of the time, neither him nor MC were aware of how the others acted under stressful situations. 

He should’ve noticed the signs since sometimes he exhibited similar symptoms. Avoiding interactions when possible, the anxiety, the isolation. He just couldn’t get out of his own head enough to realize what that meant. He was too focused on his own problems, on comparing himself to others. 

It took multiple match losses, cocky rivals, and stupid teammates before he got his reality check. He wanted to get to hang out more with MC. He’d ignore the fact that Lucifer and some of his other brothers had highly encouraged (or threatened) him to spend some time with the human. He thought of it himself. It was most assuredly his plan. So he allowed them to trespass into his room to play some games with him. Maybe something light. Like maybe some high ranked battle-heavy online matches. Something simple.

Whether they were good at gaming or not, the concept and controls were brand new to them, and so they kept dying. Repeatedly. They found out the hard way that demons are even worse sports when it came to losing than humans were. Once Levi had been ridiculed enough and lost some precious ranks along the way, he snapped. MC could feel him start to lose it, and they took it upon themselves to apologize.

“Levi, I’m sorry, I’ll stop playing. I’m no good. I’ll leave, I’ll-“

The room turned colder as he turned demon. The controller in his hands snapped, and then quickly splintered, circuitry and plastic shards falling into his lap. Even if it wasn’t a huge display, even if he wasn’t directing anything towards them, just the sound of something breaking and the look on Levi’s face was enough to send MC into full blown distress. 

MC jumped in their seat, letting out a loud scream, covering their ears with their hands at the sound of destruction. Their reaction caused Levi to almost do the same thing, the last thing he expected was to hear MC shriek. He shook his anger and envy out of his head.

“It’s okay, I have plenty of extra controllers!” He did his best to assure them that he was okay, still unable to realize that while he might be fine, MC was not. He went to put a hand on their shoulder. They flinched from his touch, scrambling backwards with their hands towards his door. Once they made it to their feet, they ran away from him. He got up as quick as he could, following them out his door. All sorts of thoughts were running through his head, most of them self destructive ones, but amidst them all, the thought first and foremost was ‘make sure MC is okay.’ 

Their wobbly and unstable legs had caused them to fall to the floor again, trying to get back up using the wall as support. Once they saw Levi was approaching, they dropped to their hands and knees, unable to say words through their tears and air-deprived lungs. 

There were now two sobbing messes on the floor. As if he didn’t hate himself already, now seeing how he made MC feel made the self loathing worse than losing any rank. He apologized profusely, and out of the two of them, MC was actually the first to stop crying. 

With Levi and MC wrapped tightly in each other’s arms, on a cold hard floor in the middle of a hallway, MC told him what had happened to them. They discussed who was involved, and how they never were the same since. It was the first time Levi ever dared put himself above someone, above the trash that dared call themselves human. The maggots that ever thought about harming MC. His friend. His best friend.

Toxic gamer who? Levi doesn’t know them. Gaming sessions are much calmer now, and he’ll always make sure he knows trigger warnings on shows or games so he can filter those ones out of the stuff he shares with MC. He’ll do his best to make sure they enjoy themselves and that they’re kind to themselves. 

Satan

He had read several books on mental illness, partly because It fascinated him, another part because he liked using his knowledge to figure out how messed up his siblings were. It was a fun dinner discussion. Help them please So he was aware of the symptoms MC possessed. The way they acted, how they spoke to people, how they would avoid specific things. He was still far away from being a psychologist, though, so even he wasn’t sure how severe it was. He did tend to notice that MC shied away from him anytime he got close to raising his voice or losing his temper. So, for that reason, despite being the demon of wrath, anytime MC was around, he’d be better than anyone else at controlling his emotions. 

He was unprepared for an actual hands on experience. No matter how many times he had read about it, no matter how descriptive and in depth the words were, real life was vastly different from books. He’d admit it was his fault, he was rarely wrong, but when he was wrong, he wasn’t as prideful as his older brother to apologize. 

It had been a day of many firsts. The first day he invited MC to come watch this old documentary with him. The first time he had such an overwhelming emotion other than anger. The first time someone had screamed in terror when he hadn't specifically been the reason why. And it was the first time he had heard MC scream.

It was a simple documentary about history, and he had ensured it was human history not Devildom history. He thought it was easier to swallow and simpler to relate to. While that might’ve been the case, even he was shocked to find that just the simple history of a single statue would have so much death and abuse. He’d have to thoroughly check these from now on. He had no idea the sound of a gunshot through a television screen would do so much damage. 

MC shrieked, and I mean banshee style. All the hairs on Satan’s body stood up on ends. Their body convulsed so badly, they smacked their head on the back of the couch, a little bit of blood already clotting. They had their hair balled up in their hands, some loose strands torn free, dangling from their fingers.

“No, no, no!” 

They wailed loudly causing Satan, who was usually calm, to panic. He was used to being angry towards people, not comforting them. The first thing he did was cover them with his body, fighting through their flailing and smacking as they continued to howl in distress. He made sure they couldn’t do any more harm to themselves, using his body as a shield. Their episode was a mixture of fear and anger, doing their best to throw Satan off their body. He refused to let them go, his legs wrapped around theirs, and using his arms to best keep their limbs and head from smacking off the surface of more furniture. At one point, MC’s forehead smacked against his temple making a more than concerning sound. He pressed his own head between their neck, his shoulder wedged on the other side to try to keep their head steady.

“MC, MC! Breathe! Breathe…” 

He knew how to ground them, how to use their senses to bring them back to him. He made sure they breathed in for four counts, and then out for four. He watched as the thrashing stopped, the screams turned to squeaks as their throat started to give way. He continued to hold onto them, even after their attack had stopped, head buried into their shoulder till he was sure they were okay. He was also busy hiding his glassy eyes in their body, his ears still ringing. 

When all was said and done, he asked MC if it was possible to give him a written list of all their triggers. All books, all movies, all forms of entertainment would be going through him first to make sure they were safe for MC. He would be checking their school work, the school’s lesson plans, and it was one of the few times he actively worked with Lucifer on this. Both of them spending hours pouring over the curriculum. 

He was going to figure out for himself what had happened to MC, since he didn’t want to bother them or make them upset again. The only one who should be worried was anyone who had thought they had the right to make MC experience something like that. He was going to ensure they went through it ten times worse. 

Asmo

He’s an expert in body language, so he knew something was up, he just had no idea what. He noticed how slumped their posture would get around other people, how they used their arms to hug themselves. He could see the way they nervously picked at their skin or hair when someone mentioned stressful exams. He saw how they refused to look in the mirror. It bothered him. He assumed they were uncomfortable in their own body, and he had just the solution. To make sure they loved their body as much as he did.

While he had good intentions, the demonic side of him just took it to a different level. He had invited them to his bedroom, everything nice and cozy, perfect enough for royalty. He made sure he looked great--but he always did--and he wanted MC to feel the same. Surely, the dopamine hit from what he had planned tonight would make them feel better, and make them love their own body all the same. 

So he set the mood, maybe flattered them a bit too much, to be fair. He was so overwhelmed with lust, he didn’t notice how uncomfortable they were. He let them sit on his bed, telling him how soft it was and quiet to boot. Then he made a mistake, taking their laughter and compliments too far as he moved in too close to them and reached for their shirt. Their pupils turned into pinpricks, and as their immediate instinct, they brought their legs up to kick him. Before their knee reached his face, he grabbed it, probably too tightly. They shouted, and before he could say anything, they slapped him. It didn’t sting nearly as much as it would’ve on another human, but it did its job. He was stunned, left alone in his room to gawk at his empty bed as MC ran away, pale as a ghost. 

Luckily, it didn’t break skin or leave him scarred, just a bit red, so he would survive. He was surprisingly more worried about MC other than his complexion. He followed after them, discovering them in the bathroom, the door still left wide open in a haste. They were vomiting, tears in their eyes, throat scratched up to hell and back, legs shaking. He had been to many parties before, so he knew what to do. He naturally came over, making sure the hair was out of their face, that they had water, that they especially knew how sorry he was. They flinched under his touch at first, their skin burning and tingling with anxiety. Then they let him pet their head as they got it out.

“I’m so sorry, dear, I crossed a line.”

The effort of expulsion had left MC exhausted, and they moved away from him, head low with shame. They attempted to make their way to bed, to put this all behind both of them. He refused to let them go, not until they had brushed their teeth and had something to drink to make sure they stayed healthy. It was the least he could do. He monitored them as they did so, nervously playing with his own hair to keep him distracted. He did this to them, he did. He should’ve been lust, making people fall for him, making people feel good, not terrified. He felt wrong. 

“MC...I’m so sorry...can you tell me?” 

If they weren’t already weak and dissociated from the situation, they might never have explained to him what happened, what someone had done. They left out explicit details, but he had heard enough. Lust wasn’t like that, was it? He wasn’t like that, was he? He’d change, he’d be better, he promised. He asked MC if it was okay if he gave them a hug. He almost cried when they said yes. He wrapped them up in the sweetest, safest hug a demon could give. 

He doesn’t lay a single finger on MC without asking them first. He makes sure all the brothers do the same. Somehow, even when he’s not around, he’ll know if someone even bumped into them at RAD. Consent for everything and everyone, and if someone dares think otherwise, Asmo is not afraid to get his hands dirty. He moisturizes. 

Beel

He’s not dumb by any means, but he’s just not the best at human behavior. He’ll associate MC with aspects of his brothers and just think that it’s normal. He loves his brothers, and he loves MC too, so the signs that should’ve been concerning didn’t click. The way MC liked to keep to themselves was just like Levi and Satan. The way they worked themselves too hard and seemingly didn’t have an enjoyment for more entertaining things, just like Lucifer. He’s almost too accepting, taking things that should’ve been problems into quirks, thinking that it just was the way MC was. 

Then they exhibited the only symptom that concerned him. They stopped eating. They would have a bite, maybe two, and then pass it off to him. Of course he would eat it, they were putting his sin right in front of him and begging Beel to take it. Surely, humans needed to eat more. Surely they were hungry. After all, he was eating ten times more than them and he was still starving. It made the food in his mouth taste rotten. 

He invited them to the gym. They could watch him workout, they would spend time together, and then afterwards he would take them to his favorite restaurants. That would make sure they ate. No one could say no to the kind of food the Ristorante Six figuratively and literally brought to the table. He thought somehow that would cure things. Food was his solution to everything. It made him happy and healthy and he wanted MC to feel the same.

He was thinking about his plan deep in his mind. He could see the both of them enjoying the best meal they would eat in their lives. He missed the sight of MC getting pale, swaying, wilting under the heat of the gym. He watched as they collapsed, and at that point no amount of food could’ve bribed him away from the problem any longer. 

He got them home, in bed, trying not to tear himself up inside for not making an action sooner. Why did he not make sure they ate immediately? Why did he have to give in to his sin so easily? Why were they even doing this to themselves in the first place? 

When they woke up, the first thing Beel was going to make sure they did was get something--anything--in their body. MC didn’t want that. They had spent days making sure they weren’t eating, they didn’t want it to be ruined. They didn’t want to, they couldn’t, so why was Beel forcing them? They grabbed his clothes and begged, pleaded with him not to make them eat. They were crying now, sending Beel’s mind spiraling. He knew they needed to eat, they needed nourishment, but he didn’t want to say no to them, force them to do something they didn’t want to. He was so torn, confused, why were they upset over something that would help them? All he could do is hold them as they cried, worried about the fact that they barely had the strength left to do so. 

He left them momentarily to rest as he headed away to go ask Satan for more information. Turns out humans, in some cases, like to do things that hurt them. Being a demon, a creature that strives and exists for things that fulfill them and help them thrive, this turned his world upside down. First things first, he made sure they ate, whether they liked it or not. He had to do his best to ignore more crying and fighting. He wasn’t happy until something was in their stomach, smiling a bit as color finally returned to their face. 

Now he’s aware of everything they do, taking notes of things they like, and relaying it all back to Satan to make sure it was safe. He has a real hard time making them upset, but he needs them to be okay, to be whole and happy. He can’t take food from them anymore. In fact, much to the surprise of the household, he refuses to eat unless MC does so. He won’t hesitate anymore.

 Belphie

He knows too much about humans unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately in this case. After the human race’s endearing glow had faded, Belphie became too familiar with the darker and more upsetting parts that came with them. Mental illness being one of them. He remembers Lilith endlessly going on about how sad it was, how she wanted nothing more than to take their pain away. So, yes, he was probably the most aware out of all the brothers concerning MC’s condition. 

He saw the same numb nonchalant look in their eyes as he had. The way they slept too much but went to bed much too late, if they even went to bed at all. They both sported the same dark circles under their eyes. MC had too much apathy and not enough energy to follow through with the few things they did care about. Yeah, it sounded just like him, but he was a demon, it almost came with the job. For humans, not only was it worrisome but he knew how dangerous it could be. 

Did he do anything about it? No. He was sleeping too much and doing his best to avoid MC anyway. Why should they want help from someone like him in the first place? After what he did? Helping them was the furthest thing from his mind. He didn’t want to end up hurting them further. Someone else would take care of it. 

That’s what he thought, at least, until Beel invited MC for a sleepover in their room. Beel thought it would be fun for the three of them to hang out more, and Belphie didn’t have the heart nor the energy to say no to his twin. Things had gone fine at first, great even. They shared snacks, Beel going as far as making sure everyone got plenty to eat. They all watched a snooze-inducing amount of movies, Belphie spending most of the time switching between Beel’s and MC’s lap to sleep in. And at the end of it all, even the insomniac MC had gone to bed at a decent time. It was a night of fun with of them in a peaceful rest. Maybe Belphie didn’t have anything to worry about after all. 

Until MC started screaming. The noise woke him and his brother up faster than anything ever had. MC had the blanket they were sleeping with tangled tightly around different parts of their body.They were covered in a terrible cold sweat, stuck in their nightmare as they did their best to wake up. They kept screaming someone’s name over and over again along with running ‘sorry’s and ‘no’s. 

They ended up accidentally scratching their own face with their fingers in the panicked flailing, the pain still not waking them up from the terror. It took both Belphie and Beel to get them awake, and even then, they still weren’t out of the haze for a good while. Belphie’s chest throbbed in pain when he called out their name and they didn’t respond. When they looked into his face, there was no emotion attached to it. It was like they were somewhere else entirely. It was another few minutes before the look of recollection came back into their eyes, and then just after, those same eyes were filled with tears. While Beel did most of the immediate comforting, Belphie realized that this was the reason why they were tired all the time. It was hard to want to sleep and get good rest when nothing but torment awaited you in the night. He understood all to well, and he was sloth, he knew sleep, he could’ve helped them the most in his own element.

He felt it wasn’t his place, but while Beel had MC tightly in his arms, he came in from behind and rested his head against their back, his fingers digging gently into their pajamas. He buried his face into them, feeling every emotional shudder. MC cried so hard, they ended up falling asleep again, too exhausted to keep themselves conscious any longer. Beel picked them up, preparing to put them in his bed, but Belphie stopped him. He made sure MC was curled up by him, claiming it was only due to his much comfier and agreeable bed. Truth was, he was unable to rest soundly now without making sure MC was sleeping deeply, taking slow and even breaths. 

He puts a little more effort into taking care of MC after that. He’s the demon of sloth, so he knows ways to deter night terrors and insomnia. If MC refuses to sleep, whoops he already gave them a bit of sleeping potion for tonight. They're going to have to deal with a demon dragging them into bed, clinging onto them so tightly they can’t move. He’s still learning how to do things a bit less demanding and over the top, but MC has been sleeping better lately.