#also: my real life is stressful enough- i don't need my fandom issues making it worse

[battleshipgarcy]

[irlkomaedanagito]

ghdsfkjghdsf is that a common thing?

I don't really get how he'd be misdiagnosed anyway; it would need brain scans, especially since it's so rare at his age, and if anything it would have been misdiagnosed as other conditions for a while. Only going off cry-stars here- I have no expertise myself- but she's said that can happen and there was a recent case in Japan where a young guy's dementia was mistaken for depression for ages.

If we doubt Komaeda's FTD it can only be via doubting his honesty imo (but I still think he's telling the truth). I also love seeing analyses of him through the lenses of other disorders as comorbid instead of alternative diagnoses- especially autism, but I've seen interesting takes wrt OCD and BPD too- but canonically I feel like bvFTD, extreme post-traumatic stress and political radicalisation adequately explain his issues.

TO BE FAIR it probably isnt As common as i think it is, i just saw one reddit post thst explicitly claimed the FTD was a misdiagnosis and that it totally makes way more sense for komaeda to have autism and bpd, and a surprisung number of people... agreed? for some reason??

which i need to state for the record a) i am autistic myself and b) have absolutely zero problems with headcanons, even if they arent ones i ascribe to personally

what i DO have a problem with is people erasing canon neurodivergencies and/or erasing traits CENTRAL to a character in order to square-peg-round-hole the headcanon THEY have as the most correct one

"nagito has ftd and was autistic before that?" cool! neat! seeing how those two disorders being comorbid with each other could be really interesting!

"nagito does NOT have ftd, the devs were wrong, they actually wrote an autistic character and didnt realize it" stop talking.

this is very like, misanthropic i guess but after SO MUCH SHIT ive seen it just speaks to an unwillingness to empathize with or relate to anyone that isnt exactly like you. and you cant just headcanon real people around you with Misdiagnosed Autistic (most.... times....) so this pops up in fiction

like. i am autistic! i also have two (2) personality disorders, and neither is bpd. this has led to a non negligible amount of autistic people completely stereotyping my other disorders as evil in order to prop themselves up ("i thought i was a narcissist/sociopath, which wouldve been awful, but really i was just autistic! phew!!" with implicit, sometimes EXPLICIT value judgements being made)

i have had a friend i had in real life, to my face, say he didn't believe i had either personality disorder and really i was secretly just autistic

...if we had been better friends, maybe he would've known me well enough to know that that's almost... comically untrue. lol

so in my opinion there do exist a certain minority of autistic people who see autism as the only neurodivergency that Matters, or at least the one that matters the most. and the only way they can feel any sympathy for anyone else is if they are also autistic

and i know this is a minority! and i just see it a lot because i am an autist in fandom and a lot of other autistic people are also in fandom! AND that this is a mindset prone to ANY minority- most people think their Problem is the Worst Problem, it just... happens. however i am just as irrational and prone to biases as anyone else and ive chosen this as my completely irrelevant hill to die on

that one reddit post made me so goddamn mad bc of All This PLUS its double insulting when someone says "i have a special interest in psychology!" as a way to say theyre extremely knowledgable, and doing genuine analysis with the lens of "i am looking at the text and trying to make an objective diagnosis" and then STILL DO THIS!!! because they have this veneer of "im just a guy asking questions" before diving right into a weirdly consspiratory subset of "everyones an idiot about mental health except for ME"

...which tbf i dont think that about myself. i am very good at writing a wide variety of mental illness due to a combination of research and life experience BUT i could really only tell you like. actual non-surface level FACTS about aspd and to a lesser extent, npd. because thats what i chose to focus on. there are far and away lots more people that know more about me about other things, and im fine wit that

i am however also aware of this extremely hyperspecific social phenominon. and thus it is my burden to bear. my mountainous molehill.

also r/danganronpa just fucking sucks like in general. every time i see a kokichi opinion there i get a little closer to pulling the trigger. i think the real moral here is reddit is garbage and should not be used for anything other than product reviews

(also fwiw i agree w ur personal take at the end, with a lil bit of ocd tendencies that like, started off manageable and nowhere near diagnostic level badness, since things he might do to manage his cycle and even the constant thinking about it are very much reminiscent of obsessions and compulsions. but ftd in of itself can cause ocd symptoms so after that it got... worse. thats my personal take on it ^^)

[graylinesspam]

Building off the post i just reblogged talking about celebrities being forced to work, interact with, and perform off the clock being a workers rights issue. I think there needs to be a serious move in the way that we talk about and make fan media about Celebrities too.

Listen, i'm not a very authoritive minded person so I'm not about to make a list of rules for everyone else to have to follow, but follow me on this.

As an Ace person I have never before in my life expirienced sexual attraction to a person. So there are a lot of social dos donts that you learn in the awkward puberty phase that i just didn't get. I didn't learn how to act because i didn't go through the same growing pains that others did. But i think I'm starting to, kinda.

There's one person I've suddenly developed something for that also happens to be a celebrity. And when it comes to people thirsting over celeberities online. They sure as fuck do not know how to act.

So this is how I am approaching the situation, affording respect and dignity to the person involved, while also exploring this thing I've never experienced before. My crush is an actor so this will be relevant to that.)

I just do not post or make any content about the actual actor as a person.

Because, as previously discussed, celebrities are artists who make up fake personas to perform for the public. that is their job. Their performance is what they make for us. It isn't real. However their face and name do and should belong to them. We've seen with many incidents on this site and in it's related fandoms that real people have a problem with being widely sexualized. It's exploitative. I think there needs to be a very purposeful level of separation made between the characters and the people. There have already been moves in this direction, I like when artist develope a certain look for characters that is different from the actor. Different hair, more freckles, different colored eyes, more weight, glasses, features closer to a comic version or another media.

I do not follow collection or accounts that group and label things with the actual celebrity's name.

this is more of a petty thing but i just like to keep the lines in my interactions clear. I am not here to specifically sexualize the person and i like to keep that clear.

I do not discuss my attraction to the person themselves in a fandom.

I reserve all thirsting and related media consumption to be of the characters themselves never of the individual person. Because, and i can't stress this enough, i don't know that person and I have no right to discuss them sexually and publicly. Fandom is great, being kinda a pervert in fandom is great. But not about an actual person. They sell us a list of character personas. A literal roster of fantasies for us to choose from. That's the deal they agreed to. That's their job. And if I want to fuck around about some blorbo that doesn't really exist then that's fine. But i won't harass a real person. I just don't feel good about it.

I don't follow the person's personal life or listen to gossip/drama or interact with traditional paparazzi tabloid bullshit.

This is just a policy I have for all celebrities. I don't like that kind of behavior. I don't participate. My level of curiosity does go up a lot for the person I'm interested in. But I am not gonna let something as dumb as sexual attraction lead me to behave poorly. I do not entertain celebrity stalking. I do not act disappointed, possessive of, or jealous about them.

Now the big caveat of this is, all of these rules apply to the public, both that of the outside of home kind and the on the internet kind. I have actual friends in person that I can act a fool with. Because it is a private space and they'll keep me in line.

[zoskas]

PLEASE IM THE ANON WHO SENT THE HOT SHOT THING AND PLEASEEE I AM BEGGING FOR MORE OF YOUR THOUGHTS DOESNT JUST HAVE TO BE ON THAT TOPIC LITERALLY ANY HOT SHOT AS A RODICLASH KID THOUGHTS AT ALL I MUST HEAR FROM YOUR GENIUS MIND

SORRY I TOOK SO LONG TO GET TO THIIIIS i was dead after new years i drank 2 much and then i forgot to respond whoops. UMM I SPILLED MOST OF IT IN THE LAST ASK FOR THE MOST PART I THINK..... having to churn my brain for transformers headcanons and fandom-specific words i had back in 2021 is INSANE im rubbing at my head. for the most part like i said in the prev, i think rodimus had a whole personality shift out of fear of being a bad parent. he has a lot of issues with emotional regulation in my brain (adhd for life...sarcastic yawn) and he acts out a lot to try and stay in a good mood. coping after nyon messed him up a lot, unsurprisingly, and it reflects into his everyday life years later. i don't think he's childish by any means because it's a popular headcanon for a grown ass man that gets on my nerves a lot LOL; but he's definitely very emotionally overwhelming and makes up excuses or outright dismisses a lot of things--i figure without thunderclash in the picture he'd definitely spoil hot shot a lot in attempts to give him a less stressful life and it'd definitely be a power trip for the kid. this isn't really to set thunderclash up as the bad cop, he's just definitely more calm and well thought out compared to rodimus and i think rodimus himself would take it as example, which is why he has such a hesitant and pushed personality shift in the aftermath. do i think he slowly goes back to normal as he gets more comfortable with the situation? yes. and thank god, because thunderclash was getting worried after it went on for a little too long. neither of them are amazing at being parents, i don't think either of them pictured a kid in their lives before they met each other (thunderclash was constantly busy, rodimus prefers independence in his private life) and there's a lot of worry between the two if they're being too helicoptery outside of their hab suite. i think that's half the reason they send him to RBA. they realize he needs to socialize more and be independent, but it's safe and private which gives them some peace on the matter.

once he's old enough, hot shot knows very well who his parents are and what they mean to society: queue added pressure to perform, which we see at the start of the series. growing up he was very sheltered and only got to meet people within the LL circle: queue added confusion. it's not that he didn't go off the ship once he was old enough, and more that rodimus and thunderclash were very picky about when and where to take him out. ironically, once he reaches the age where all of this really affects him in personality, he's at the academy. i don't see many pairs on the ship having families, outside of lug+anode who canonically stated wanting kids, and whirl's scraplet baby who is TOTALLY whirl from rba (if we're ignoring canon rules for a little bit then hot shot totally dragged her into it and they knew each other before this)--so he only really got to meet a few people his age growing up before the RBA story. a lot of people would see him taking his try-hard traits after rodimus but i've worked with kids in the past and i think it's just that--him being a kid. personally i see him growing out of it and behaving more like thunderclash in his adulthood, heatwave's behavior also plays a part in this (and i find him to be a bit of an uncle to him) ^_^ he definitely idolizes both of his parents (which is a little sad to a degree) but when you're in the place of people who are basically historical figures, it's really hard not to. i think he gets a lot of real-talk from drift+ratchet on the matter... ESPECIALLY from ratchet since he started working at the academy (iirc) (my feelings on drift+rodimus' and thunderclash+ratchet's friendships are for another time but it definitely impacts these discussions) yes, they keep in touch over comm. yes, rodimus cried when he got home like it was the first day of kindergarten. hot shot grew up very clingy due to how he was raised, but after getting a lick of independence he had a complete turnaround. post RBA i think he has a vision for himself and does his own thing happily. in his adulthood he calls when he can, he goes to see them when he can, but he's not a homebody by any means. hopefully this is all cohesive again LOL i basically just tried to word vomit what i remembered and what i realized while writing... i don't think hot shot's life was luxury by any means but he didn't have a bad childhood either. everyone in his circle meant well and he appreciates the people in his life the same way they appreciate him ^_^

[danpuff-ao3]

I wish I was a writer who wrote more. I put more obstacles on myself than words on the page

Ooh! What obstacles are you facing, Anon?

Writing is hard. And we all have what works for us. Sometimes our inspiration and motivation wax and wane. The words might come easy some days, or not at all others. That's alright.

It's also valid and normal to want to be "more", whatever we see as "more." I wish I wrote more, but really I probably write plenty enough as it is. I wish I wrote better. There are so many beautiful writers I envy! Such gorgeous prose! And plot! I wish I could do a great plot, but I always veer more towards hype focusing on characters way more than plot. At times I wish I had it in me to write great epics, but that's not really me.

It's okay if you see what others do, or what others have, and want it. But it doesn't do much good to hyper fixate on that and go on a downward spiral of "why can't/why don't I?" What are your strengths? What are your interests? What works for you?

Is mental health getting in your way? You might need to address those first. Therapy and medication and doctor's visits might not be feasible, but if they are, do that. If not, do what you can do to take care of yourself. Take walks, journal, listen to music, eat well, stay hydrated, clean your space, talk to friends, whatever helps.

Is it stress? Is it life stress? Again: take care of yourself! If stress is in your way, you probably won't get far while it's still there.

Is it stress about the writing itself? Why are you stressed? Are there any stressors you can take away? Unless you're writing for money (and if you're in my inbox, I doubt that's the case), there's no real need to stress about it. Again: it's normal and valid to stress, but it's okay if you can't perform right now.

Is it a deadline? Are you writing for someone? Is it self-imposed pressure? What can you do to take away as much of what's stressing you as possible? Do that! If it means asking for extensions or taking breaks or changing tracks, do that! It's okay.

Is it lack of focus? Lack of time? Focus issues could be a health issue, so address those as stated above. But there are ways of creating more structure around your writing that might be beneficial. Make a schedule! What will work for you? Maybe an hour after work you dedicate to writing. Write all that you can in that time. And whatever you manage in that timeframe is a win! And if you dedicate a little time every day, that's progress! Even if it's only on weekends, that's better than nothing!

Are you on Discord servers? Maybe writing sprints will help. I know lots of fandom servers have sprinting bots and people who do writing sprints. Maybe the community aspect will help, or having a space and people with which to hold yourself accountable.

Maybe a word count goal will help? Personally that doesn't help me, but it works for some people. Say you make a goal to write 500 words a day, no matter what. However good or bad. At least it's writing. And you can always edit/fix it up later. Just throw it all at the wall and clean it up afterwards.

Maybe it helps to remember that all progress you make on your story "counts" as writing, be that work on an outline, jotting notes, research, daydreaming, brainstorming with friends, etc. It counts! Might not be "words" but it counts towards writing! It's progress. It's an accomplishment. You're allowed to feel good about that!

Anyway, the point is, I think all us creatives struggle in our own ways. Especially the more we care about what we do. I don't know very many people who do it purely for fun without a care in the world. And not gonna lie, I envy them sometimes! But you're not alone, which can help to remember.

I don't know if any of this blathering was helpful to you, but my inbox is always open if you need. And in the meantime, I'm sending you all the good writing vibes! May the muses be with you, Anon!

[imaginarydragonling]

💞 🕯️ 🧿

💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

I'm not sure how to call it, but the "history of the characters" or the "character backstory" I guess? It's sort of the reasons and motivations for a character to do certain things or to behave and be a certain way.

It's not something I actively prioritize to do. I just find myself constantly questioning why a character is Like That or trying to answer what a character would do or say next. I think it's just that I like things to Make Sense 😅 and if things Don't Make Sense, I can't move on or put it down on paper. This has the happy effect of many wonderful hours of worldbuilding and imagining backstories in my head, and hopefully a good portrayal of In Character characterization, but it does mean that I find it extremely difficult to write Porn-Without-Plot and crack type fics 😅

🕯️-> 🔥was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

A few, but I am going to point to Watch Me Catch the Sky for this ask /)_(\ This is an unfinished (if we're going to be honest here) YOI Fantasy AU fic with dragons and magic and prophecies. I wrote it for a Big Bang (my first big bang in any fandom) and while I am proud that I finished it to where it was, this is maybe the fic I've agonized over and rewritten the most.

To be fair, I think a lot of my feelings about this fic are coloured by my experience with the event community, which was...not great. The YOI fandom was a whole other level of drama tbf, but just how much reality fell short of my expectations was quite the learning experience and really made me think about my writing process and what what works for me personally.

Also, in reference to my answer about my writing style in your previous ask, I was constantly worried that my prose was not flowery enough for high fantasy so that didn't help in terms of stress 🙃

🧿what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?

Hmm. I respond quite differently to the writing experience not going how I'd like it vs the posting/sharing experience not going how I'd like it.

For the latter, in the best way possible, I'm pretty used to being ignored so not getting enough attention isn't too big of an issue for me?😅 But, some things I've done to mitigate the disappointment of a fic not being received as well as I would like after posting are:

So having fewer hits/kudos/comments on a fic on Ao3 isn't too much of an issue for me anymore (tumblr has trained me well, you're the only one who really interacts with me on this hellsite lol) BSome things I've done to mitigate the disappointment of a fic not doing as well as I hoped after posting are:

Write for the sake of writing, not for the reception. I do gain enjoyment from simply writing like I appreciate the mental break from work/real life; I like the sense of accomplishment I have when I manage to create something and bring it into existence; I like the effort it takes to order my thoughts in order to put them down into words (it makes me feel sane and makes things Make Sense eheheh).

I get feedback while writing and cheerreaders to spur me on! This means that the itch/need to be Validated TM is already partially/mostly scratched, so when I do post, the need is lessened.

Ultimately, I recognize and acknowledge that how other people receive my work is something out of my control. So I try not to overanalyze the stats on my posted fics (I do enough of that for a living and also having zero interaction on a post is nothing new. Tumblr has trained me well lol).

However, when the writing experience doesn't go how I like it, I tend to:

Cry

Scream

Beg my fic to write itself

Complain to friends

Do something mindless like wash the dishes so that I can think through whatever is blocking me from writing

Change up my writing process like write on paper

Just copy over a WIP into a new doc (it just gets me typing and editing and is surprisingly effective in kickstarting a writing session)

Accept that my draft is going to be shit but who cares it's a draft

Make a blood offering to the writing gods

Disclaimer: Some of the things I listed above are jokes and I don't actually do but you can decide for yourself which ones :)

Let’s Get ((REAL)) fic writer asks

[blackcrystalball]

I am neither a pro or anti for anything and I don't engage with pro/anti shipper discourse because I was there for the several Steven Universe debacles.

But I just need to know; who the fuck do these people think they are.

Genuinely who the fuck do they think they are, because making assumptions on someone intentions with their own friends based on the insane stories they're making up is fucking ridiculous.

I'm not even going to touch on the rpf shit because that adds an additional layer to this that are honestly still not as rude as shitting on their actual, real life friendships.

Do these people not have friends? I presume not because if how they behave online speaks to who they are as people, I can't imagine anyone would want to subject themselves to that.

Honestly, white knighting for a grown woman who is more than capable of handling herself both professionally and interpersonally is not only bizarre but also fucking pathetic. It's weird, sad and embarrassing.

They're being hateful dickholes for what? What are they going to get out of this? Because it certainly won't be Angela's approval.

The Smosh twitter girlies need to get lives, actual friends and diaries urgently because this behaviour is unacceptable and just plain embarrassing. Like I cannot stress enough how embarrassing that kind of behaviour is going to be for them once they mature enough to see it for what it is. I've been a phannie since 2014, I remember the Phan proof videos, thinking about the posts I made back then feels like dunking my body in ice water.

And the worst part of their behaviour is the fact that real people are getting caught in the cross fire. Behaviour like this is going to happen over and over again. Every fandom will have deranged behaviour like this forever. The real issue is that the subjects of their obsession and discourse are real people with internet connection. The cast are seeing this shit.

They aren't made up little characters birthed and killed whenever you turn your laptop on or off. They're real and they can read. They are seeing this shit.

They are seeing it.

i remember some of those losers on twitter were implying/joking with their other loser friends that damien was trying to push the ship for his popularity sake (their ego and and how important they think their warped perspectives are to the creators they are fan of as an incular little community is laughable btw) because he dared to mention angela a couple times. (im not even gonna get into how infantalizing it is to be this protective over 30 something year old capable adult woman. but i guess you can only be infantalizing to men!! women dont count as adult humans capable of controling their own narrative i guess lol) or they would imply he was being weird and obsessed because god forbid he had something to say about his coworker he clearly values and likes a lot because she is talented and lovely (this is something only the parasocial angela stans on twitter can notice and appreciate not the people who know her real life!!! nope!!!) just like he does with his other coworkers/friends btw. he also mentions them when its in the right context. shocking concept! (i remember him mentioning how chanse gives good level-headed fashion advice and how gentle he is with it how erin/spencer are so funny etc etc on his streams but nobody is clipping that because it doesnt fit an anti-shipper or shipper narrative!) these are types of fanfics/headcannons a hardcore shipper would come up with btw, i always notice how hardcore shippers acts the same delusional ways with antishippers but with narratives shifted a little, jokingly or not. they are made from the cloth lmao. there are some stans that loove taking largely innocuous stuff like this to fit their narrative about what damiens true intentions are over every little normal human things he does because they are obsessed with their idea of him as this uniquely bad dude that i think actually reflects who THEY are on the inside :) just my humble little opinion/rant. i really dont think they are that important or have much power btw. just annoying and loud in their own community which goes away easily if you mute it/ignore it. which i did for a longtime but this weird shit they are doing sparked some hidden ire i guess lol, all fan spaces have weirdos like this. i have been in a kpop fandom before and its so funny how these people are doing the same stupid ship wars over a youtube/improve troop. im sure they also partake in similar fandoms before just like this. talking about biases being obsessed with lineups etc all are kpop standom language. its that type of behavior a fanship/parasocial relashiship driven mega industry cultivated spilling over every little micro fandom now. /this is just my weird theory that explains some of the off putting behaviors i've seen, in my experience at least.

It is wild to me just how much Damien is hated over there on smoshtwt, and people are attacked for stanning him. The same for the crazy amount of hate damangela gets as a ship.

I think it's unfortunate that damangela stuff cropped up after shourtney came out as married so people began suspecting that people shipped damien and Angela in the same way?

Also, admittedly, there is a lot of infantilizing of both Damien and Angela by their respective fans.

I think it really just needs to be an issue of blocking/muting antis like you said!

[thedoctor1002]

Idk, I never posted one of my fics here but guess I'll try ~

Also, English is not my first language so feel free to correct me QwQ

Fandom: Psycho-Pass -season 1- (is this still a thing?)

Characters: Kogami Shinya, Sasayama Mitsuru, OC

Prompt (it was in Italian, so I'll translate): write a story using three among these words: cloud, dusk, thunderstorm, storm, hull, bay, shelter, sail, night

Title: Log date: 2110/02/28 (Friday) 22:04

---

The lights of the bay flicker dynamically before your eyes.

They dance hypnotically, of the same cyan colour of your office’s walls, but with a whole different beat. They drink the red and white trails from the traffic, they shatter and multiply in the tears of an inclement rain. I know how much you hate it, you just can’t stand going on recon with an umbrella. On the other hand, I love it.

Rain brings us close together under the waterproof cloth and I manage to observe details that neon lights often hide from me: the precise way you part your hair, the last few drops of the jasmine perfume on your jacket, your long lashes. Shion thinks they’re fake. We always fight over it, can you believe me?

After all, you’ve never been the kind of woman to wear such frills. 

A notification arrives, the acid light of your impalpable PC breaks through the sacred dark from where you pretend you don’t see me. It digs your silhouette and paints you like a ghost on the huge windows of the Public Safety Bureau.

Your jet-black hair lay on your back like varnish pouring over the white silk of your blouse.

“Pulling an all-nighter, Inspector Matou?” I ask casually, exposed. With you, after all, I always am: you’re the only one that can shush my shitty jokes.

But this time you laugh slightly: nothing more than a spike, a trembling breath that shakes your ribs and lips.

“The forecasts say that the storm won’t stop until tomorrow morning,” you tell me, sitting at your desk, “also, I’ve been delaying this paperwork through all week, it's about time I get it done. Might as well do some overtime and get rid of it, don’t you think?”

“You’re such a workaholic.” I label you, realizing how lucky I am being allowed to do it: Ginoza, that prude, would have never let it slide “You should leave some for the rest of the precinct: make 'em earn their wages.”

A tired smile crosses your face as you tap your fingers on the keyboard. It’s so clear you’re trying to avoid my glance.

You used to look for it.

You looked for my eyes at briefings, in that discrete way that eventually shocked everyone. You looked for them among alleys, as soon as you heard a gunshot or the chocked sound of a fight.

And when you found me, it felt like a 7 miles free fall.

“How are the legs going?” I dare to ask. I see the hollow structure of your new shins below the hem of your pencil skirt. They swing a bit underneath the glass of your desk. You didn’t lose your damn tic, your right heel shakes like the needle of a sewing machine even when you seem calm.

You shrug and drink the bottom of an already empty glass of water.

I shouldn’t have asked. It breaks my heart, to see you like this.

You don’t give me an answer and massage the back of your knee with a sigh. Lately, I feel like you’re avoiding me.

You’re turning back into the one you were before: uncompromising, cold and distant. I wonder if the bunch of ingrates downstairs have been calling you Dobermann again. I wonder if you’re still as relentless.

You worry me: your stress level is getting darker and darker. You don’t want old Kasei to take issues with you, not again.

I can imagine how you must have felt, the night when this mess happened.

You most likely got pissed, if I do know you.

I mean, did they really think I got away on my own? I bet you never doubted me: no one knows an Enforcer better than its Inspector.

“Runaway?! Have you lost your minds?” Sasayama?!”

Those were the first words you said when they rescued you. You spoke them way before cleansing your lungs from the rotten water of the river, way before asking Masaoka if you’d have ever got back to feeling your lower legs. They hurt like hell and you had to pull them around like sandbags.

“They got him” you panted, holding tight on your mentor’s coat “They took him away, I tell you!” The one that kidnapped him wasn’t a latent criminal. The Dominator didn’t activate, not even when they shot me. Please, believe me. Check on the log files, please.”

Crime coefficient: 0.

I know that bug still haunts you.

Cause, after all, it’s can’t be anything else: who on earth is that Makishima to fly under the Sibyl Sistem’s radar? Who can fool a network that knows your crimes before you do? And how is it possible that the silhouette that kneecapped you and threw you into a river could possibly be innocent?

You haven’t lost your mind, Inspector: the Dominator betrayed me, too.

Don’t think I don’t know how pitiful must have been, the next three days.

Makishima isn’t real. Forget it, it was just a delirium. You were in shock.

It was the trauma, dear. It was a breakdown. It was burnout syndrome.

You’d use some holiday, darling. Take a week. Take two. Go somewhere far, no, better: just stay at home. Go to therapy. Keep yourself busy, don’t think about it. Work. Also, don’t work: it wears you out!

They put you back on your feet in less than six hours, but nobody allowed you to join search parties. Heaven forbid your stress level getting any darker. Heaven forbid that yet another good Inspector gets demoted among those damn Enforcers. But, still, in the whole IT section, there wasn’t a single nerd that could get that night's logs. That's one funny thing, ain't it?

Woman, sometimes I wish your damn head wasn't that hard. I wish you didn't follow the Forensics to get a lift, so soon after the deed.

At least, you could have listened to Kogami. Shit, didn't you see how pale he was? You didn't even need the Dominator to read him, his stress level was mindblowing!

You should have believed him when he told you you didn't want to enter that alley. First off, it was already full of other detectives and analysts. I have no idea what kind of business you had to do in there. Second thing second, Kogami has an eye for certain matters. Do you think he didn't notice I’ve always been all over you? Not gonna lie, maybe I told him about you, once or twice.

But no, of course, you had to get in.

The software that taught you how to walk on those carbon stilts made you stand your ground and bark a "For fuck's sake, Shinya, move!" worthy of the Dobermann’s reputation. Even those who hadn't been called out made way.

But your new legs didn't hold you, when you saw what they had made of my corpse.

I'm sorry, Katsumi, I never wanted to upset you like that. 

You know how much I would have rather have a more heroic death. I don't know, like, in the middle of a shooting, saving the day. It would have been much classier, less tacky, less trash. I think I deserved it, that's all.

You stop typing and rub your temples. You shelter what’s left of your lipstick behind your hand. I wish I could kiss it off, instead of watching you consume it in a ruby red halo in the notch between your thumb and your index.

You lift your eyes only for Kogami, who’s passing by your office like a nurse in its night shift.

“So?” he asks in a whisper, putting more care in that question than I could have ever done. More than anybody could have ever done, because he’s the only one that gets you, right now. You two seem like the only ones who lost something.

You shake your head slowly, staring at the monitor and the dangerously high Crime Coefficient on the display.

“It's not working” you wail softly, misty-eyed. I can’t believe it, is it still you?

“They’re gonna kick me out anyway, if it doesn’t lower quickly” you continue, with that realism of yours. I used to call you a jinx for that but, at the end of the day, you always got our backs. “It’s for the best if I just resign. I’m gonna keep what's left of my dignity, at least.” 

The dark profile of my best friend looks through me, as he sits on the armchair next to mine. He would like to say something, a word of encouragement maybe, we all know it in this damn room, but numbers shut our mouths. 

“You could become an Enforcer” he proposes.

Goddammit, Shinya, did we work with the same person? Katsumi as an Enforcer?

And there you go, shaking your head. You hold your face in your hands and let your raven hair hide your visage. 

“Can you imagine me, following orders? I do know how to work, I can do it better than three-quarters of our colleagues and I’ve never had problems remarking it. They’d eat me alive if they had the chance. Dogs celebrate on the corpses of lions.”

“But lions remain lions and dogs stay dogs.” Kogami finishes, stealing my lines. 

I notice the slight trembling of your finger, as you tap your touchpad to send that last confirm.

In a few moments, the system will have your resignation registered. Your profile won’t unlock your Dominator anymore and in a few days time, just enough for you to collect your belongings, you won’t even manage to enter the office.

Who’s gonna explain to old Kasei that there's more of your stuff here than in your apartment?

I’d ask you what do you plan on doing with your life, but tonight’s decision seems definitely brave enough to call it a day.

I look at the tabs you open in your browser, they mirror in the windows behind you.

Air travel.

Argentina, Cuba, States, New Zealand, Germany, Kenya. You go around the world in 80 seconds flat, you multiply your chances and spread them all through the air in front of you, in a complex diagram that doesn’t lead anywhere.

I never wanted to take you away from your home, you don’t deserve this. 

You cover your eyes with a hand and use the other one to pick a random selection from your atlas.

Greece.

“Well, at least it’s on the sea.” you wrap up, condensing in a handful of words the only satisfaction you can find in starting a brand new life.

You two stare at the transparent screenshot of your flight, the countdown on the web page seems way too joyful.

“It’s so exciting, Katsumi Matou! Check-in your luggage. Your journey will begin in: 06 days: 17 hours: 34 minutes: 21 seconds”

20.

19.

18.

Seconds pass by, in complete silence.

“Do you think it would be a burden to him?” you ask Shinya, “Do you think he’d understand?”

Who would have guessed that a cynic one like yourself could believe in the afterlife? I wish I were here to ask you. I wish we could have spoken about life, death, sex, about things long gone and things yet to be.

His hand squeezes yours gently, as he looks at you in the eye, hoping to stop the train to Paranoidland from setting off.

“It’s not your fault” he reassures you as he can: the both of you wouldn’t make the average person’s empathy.

But he’s right, though, it really isn’t: I know you’ve done anything you could. It’s always been like that.

“Maybe I owe him” you draft “Even if they don’t believe in Makishima, maybe one day I could have proved he exists.”

The teal of your Psycho-Pass would suit you wonderfully, if it wasn’t a description of your mental health.

What could you possibly do in these conditions? You’d have ended up in a cubicle, filing loss and theft reports. You would have never made it to the dossiers, surely not to those of such a controversial case. Making you end up in a study room would have been my final bullshit. I’m happy with your choice, really. I would have loved visiting Europe someday.

“Don’t talk nonsense.” Kogami rebukes you, externalizing what I’ve been thinking all along: “I’m going to look out for your man: your team has already given way too much. I’m gonna find him, Matou, cold case or not.”

You nod, but it’s clear you don’t believe him. I can read through you, you’re a terrible liar.

I don’t think you don’t trust him, most likely you’ve done the math and figured that working on an independent case is far too difficult for an Inspector, let alone for an Enforcer.

And there it is, my fall. After an exhausting chase, you finally look into my eyes, even though -according to Shinya- you’re most likely staring at the void.

Despite being used to such races, believe me, I’ve missed you.

“I’m just so sorry.” you finally whisper, giving me a bitter smile. 

Try and stop me, Ginoza, tell me once again how inappropriate it is: I don’t mind anymore. I get up and I don’t hesitate while holding you and leaving a kiss on your hair, shamelessly.

“I’m going to grab some coffee” I announce, walking backwards to the door like a shrimp, just to look at my dearest friends a bit longer. “I’d get you one, but I’m short on coins. Maybe next time.”

“See you, Inspector.”, Kogami greets you, leaving alongside me.

“Be good.” you wave back, as we were all to meet again tomorrow.

Walking through the dark alley, I can hear an excerpt from our last conversation through the opaque glass of your office.

“You’re jerk, Sasayama!”

I can hear you laughing out loud, through the crackly recording. You laughed at my gall, with that warm, strong, sweet voice of yours, mocking me. Admit it: mine, after all, were the only compliments that could make you blush.

It’s incredible how we managed to joke even inside a car that was taking us on a crime scene. To an external eye, we might have looked disrespectful. Truth is I’ve always feared death so much I just had to laugh at the reaper.

“Oh, come on, what would it take? Come with me to the Precinct’s New Year’s dinner, the 17th is around the corner!” I kept annoying you, as you were too busy driving to mind my dumb flirt attempts. I still can’t get how we never had an accident. “Be good, Katsumi, give me a joy to live for!”

“You could always ask Shion, you know? You always give her more attention, after all.”

I hear the subtle sound of the wheels stopping, the parking brake cracking and it’s like Ogishima’s outskirts appear before my eyes, in that same January night. That place gave me goosebumps, but I would have hated if you understood it.

“Here we are” you announced, with still a bit of resentment in your voice. You unlocked the passenger’s door and I remember I left your Dominator in the car’s trunk: I didn’t want you to follow me. Not that time.

“You scare me when you pay so much attention” you commented, noticing how serious I got “will you tell me why are you insisting so much to keep on searching? Kogami got the guy. Tomorrow we go, we arrest him and it's thank you, next.”

My answer has been recorded as a distant and muffled noise, but I still can trace it: “He’s not the one, I tell you. I have another suspect, but I need a more solid base. And you’re staying, Inspector.”

“Staying?! You’ve gone crazy!” you laughed, locking the corporate sedan behind you “If something were to happen to you, or worse if you didn’t come back, Kasei would…”

“I said you’re staying: it’s dangerous.”

“Sasayama, our work is dangerous,” you replied, contemptuous, understanding that clearly among the gear I brought I didn’t count yours and going back to the car to get it “One more risk won’t make a difference: if I have to drop dead, it can either be here, at home or god knows where.”

“Will you join me for the precinct’s dinner, though?”

And here is a sequence that the voice recorder surely can’t have grasped, but that I could remember even in a thousand years. You cast an outraged glance over me from above the trunk’s door, panting through a half-smile. You shook your head, tucking your hair behind your ear. And finally, after refusing my invitations since 17th November, during lunch break, you smiled shrugging.

“Deal, come on, just make way” you sighed, as your heels echoed on the wet concrete “Still, you’re a jerk.”

“I recorded it: you have no excu-”

The audio file interrupts.

End of recording.

[loveneedsalotofsunlight]

To My Secret Valentine....

Hello dear Valentine!!

Thank you for matching with me!! I received two Twin Peaks fics this past Yuletide, but I’m always excited for more fics and/or fanart for the fandom!!

Here’s some specific things about all of the listed ships:

Chet Desmond/Sam Stanley: This is a definite rarepair for me, as I’ve read all the fics for it that exist. Basically, I’m asking for absolutely anything you’re willing to give – Sam in Portland when he hears about Chet’s disappearance, unexpected but welcome car sex, Sam watching Chet fistfight, lazy mornings, finding each other after ages apart, anything else that might suit your fancy. I’m also open to AUs of all kinds (here’s a secret: I’m very partial to musician AUs, especially since both their actors are on tour and singing their hearts out).

Sam Stanley & Dale Cooper: We got the small deleted scene where Coop paid a visit to Sam’s house, but what about other interactions? It’d be interesting to see how both of their eccentricities would play off each others.

Sam Stanley & Albert Rosenfield: For my Yuletide assignment, I ended up writing about Sam and Albert, and now I’d love to see more with them!! Do they have a club for MIA boyfriends? Does Albert intentionally smoke in front of Sam to rub him the wrong way? Do they have to work a case together?

Denise Bryson & Albert Rosenfield: We know Denise has a history with Coop, but how well does the DEA agent work with our favourite grumpy medical examiner? Can be pre or post Peaks, whatever suits your fancy.

Diane & Albert Rosenfield: Like with Denise, we know Diane and Coop interact often, but have no idea what a friendship between her and Albert might bring. Again, can be pre or post Peaks, with whatever plot you wish. I’d like to note, however, that I firmly headcanon both Albert and Diane as Jewish, so it’d be nice to bring up if you need to mention religion for any reason.

Diane & Denise Bryson: I asked for their friendship this past Yuletide, and now I’d definitely like to see more of it!! How do they meet, how well do they get on, how often do they communicate, the works.

Bobby Briggs & Garland Briggs: I really like seeing how their relationship as father and son changes and improves through the course of the show, culminating with Garland’s vision. I’d just like to see a snippet of their home life, as long as there isn’t physical abuse. I’d also be up for seeing how Garland’s work on Project Blue Book effected his relationship with Bobby – we know it caused them to move to Twin Peaks, but is there anything else that changed their lives? If possible, avoid Garland’s certain demise, as TSHoTP suggests happens.

Annie Blackburn & Norma Jennings: I have a great love for both of these sisters, and I just want to know more about them. Some ideas could be why Annie went to Norma rather than their mother after leaving the convent, Norma taking care of Annie when they were younger, working together at the Double R, or simply having a girls night out. However, I’m open to anything you might decide to write. The only things I’m not interested in is mentions of Annie’s self harm issues and her deleted scene in FWWM.

Now that I’ve gone over things ship by ship, here’s a few general dos and don'ts:

– Please don’t feel pressured to produce smut!! Honestly, I like any kinds of relationships, so sex doesn’t need to be featured if you’re not comfortable doing so.

– Please don’t write anything where Sam Stanley is an alcoholic. I know that TSHoTP claims that this is why he was removed from active duty, but I don’t believe that it’s the real reason why. His character means a lot to me, and seeing him so mischaracterized makes me feel immensely upset.

– Please treat Denise with respect, I truly can’t stress this enough. Don’t use her birth name, don’t misgender her, don’t create anything transphobic. If you can’t manage to do so, I’d suggest defaulting as soon as humanly possible, as this is non-negotiable. I myself am trans, and to read people consistently misgender her is absolutely heartbreaking, as well as deeply distressing.

– Please don't include Audrey in any way. I'm not in the best state of mind and she often makes me feel uncomfortable.

If you have any other questions, feel free to message me on anon at my main blog, paranoidharoldfinch.

Thank you so much!!

– Ollie