#also: Ed is best boy I don’t make the rules | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lovebugism · 2 years ago

Note

Congratulations, babydoll! Sending this in early! So super proud of you, and you’re one of my favorite authors/humans around here! ;) 😘🎂💝❤️

“Let me take care of you today. Don’t do anything in return, just let me.” - For virgin! Eddie (him taking care of the reader) ❤️

kristen. love of my life. absolute queen of smut. thank you so much for always being so kind! i wasn't sure if you wanted this to be smutty or not, so here's 2k words of eddie spaghetti taking care of a sick reader (also me soft launching the nickname Peach hahah) hope you enjoy!!

part of the tcar universe!

Eddie Munson was a worrier.

Apart from creating D&D campaigns and mastering Metallica guitar riffs, it’s what he did best.

Like, when Dustin skips out on Hellfire for the first time, he immediately thinks something’s wrong. He keeps the poor boy in the club room after the rest of the boys have left, badgering him about the reason why. “If something’s going on at home, you can tell me. You know that, right? Rule number one of Hellfire, you know? It’s a safe place.”

“I thought rule number one of Hellfire was never sit in your throne? Dustin asks with furrowed brows.

“Well, yeah, but… I’m just saying. You can tell me if something’s going on.”

“My mom’s just getting a new cat, Eds. We have to drive to Indianapolis to pick it up after school,” the boy explains, so sincere he’s practically cooing. “Everything’s okay, alright. I promise.”

“Alright. Drop the tone,” Eddie squints at him.

Dustin grins. “I’m happy you care so much, though. It’s really sweet, actually.”

“If you wanna keep the teeth you have left, I suggest you shut up, Henderson.”

Dustin makes fun of him about that to this day.

Still, it hasn’t lessened his ability to stress out over nothing.

Gareth is five minutes late to band practice at The Hideout, and Eddie’s certain his beat-up truck is sitting somewhere in a ditch. Mike comes to school with a scrape on his cheek, and Eddie immediately thinks Jason and his basketball goons are giving him a hard time again.

It’s a deep-rooted urge to protect the people he cares about — to worry incessantly about their well-being and fight like hell if something’s wrong. And these are just the boys he tolerates, at best.

So when Eddie’s worried about you? All hell threatens to break loose.

Two days pass, and he hasn’t heard a single thing from you.

And it’s not the total end of the world or anything. You get busy sometimes, and that’s fine.

Is a part of him distantly worried that you’re lying dead in your apartment? Sure. But still. The sliver of logical thinking he possesses knows that you’re fine. Eddie’s mostly able to simmer in his worry until the third day comes and goes with no word from you.

He’s popped into a full-on boil by then.

“Have you seen my keys?” the boy asks his uncle while he rifles between the couch cushions, searching for the metal things he can’t even seem to keep up with.

“You’re what?” Wayne answers, tucked too comfortably in his recliner for a time like this. He’s more focused on his Cheers re-run than his nephew’s anxious mumbling.

“My keys. They’re missing.”

“You didn’t leave ‘em in your van, did you?”

“No, I didn’t leave them in my van,” Eddie snaps. It’s more harshly than he intended but he doesn’t think to apologize as he looks under the magazines on the coffee table.

Wayne isn’t deterred by his tone. He pops another chip into his mouth and talks through the mouthful. “Did ya look in your room?”

“Yes. That’s the first place I check. They’re not there.”

“Kitchen counter?”

“I looked there, too.”

“Well, they gotta be somewhere, Eds,” Wayne chuckles.

“It’s not funny,” Eddie scolds in a fit of boyish rage. He ceases his search for a moment to be angry — his tight chest thankful for the weight is let off. “My girlfriend could be dead—”

“Your girlfriend’s fine,” the older man assures, still laughing a little to himself. Eddie’s dramatics and misplaced worries are familiar to him now. He looks over his shoulder at his nephew, grey brows raised. “Maybe she just wanted some space. Ever think of that?”

Eddie shakes his stubborn head. “You don’t know her, alright? That’s not— That’s not how she operates.

“Operates?” Wayne scoffs in a laugh. “She a robot or something.”

“…You’re are no help, you know that?”

Eddie backtracks to his room. He finds his keys beneath a pile of dirty clothes in the very corner of his room. He doesn’t care to know how they got there. He’s just grateful he found them at all.

He’s forced to walk by Wayne with them in hand to leave the trailer. The man’s lilted “I told ya so” doesn’t go unheard.

His van gets him to the other side of town in ten minutes flat — half the time it usually takes, but still not quick enough. He ascends the concrete stairs two a time before b-lining to your apartment. He grips the knob, expecting it to be locked, but it gives under the weight of his hand.

“Oh my god, if she’s not already dead, I’m gonna kill her,” Eddie mumbles rather morbidly to himself as he walks into your unlocked apartment.

He’s surprised to find you on the couch — your back facing him, all wrapped up in blankets, with a thousand tissues on the coffee table.

“Hopper, I told you a thousand times, I’m fine—” Your voice is scratchy and slurred, the makings of a girl who’s exhausted and obviously sick.

You turn slowly to look over your shoulder, careful not to jostle your migraine. Your glassy, red-rimmed eyes go wide when you find that Eddie’s the one standing in your driveway instead of Lurch.

“Coulda fooled me,” the boy quips with a sympathetic smile at your pallid appearance — sallow face, sunken eyes, messy hair.

He doesn’t know you’ve got a raging monster of a headache, but he shuts the door closed softly anyway.

“Eddie?” you call his name. It’s mixed with a groan as you flip onto your back. The change in position makes your head pound all over again. You squint at Eddie through the knife in your skull. “What are you doing here?”

“I was worried about you,” he tells you just before laying his keys on the table and sitting on the wooden edge of it in front of you. He puts the back of his hand to your warmed cheek. It nearly burns him.

“And everyone said I was stupid for being so worried. Now I know I had every right to be.”

“In their faces huh?” you quip dryly, then laugh until it turns into a coughing fit.

You hack into your elbow. Eddie winces and reaches for the half-gone glass of water at his side. He hands it to you and you take the thing in your trembling grasp, sipping from it gratefully.

“How long have you felt like this?” Eddie agonizes, full of woe.

“I don’t know… Couple days, maybe,” your breaths are uneven and unusually deep, as though each one is hard for you to take. Your face is scrunched up like they pain you.

“Why didn’t you call? You know I would’ve come over.”

“I thought I was feeling better,” you rasp. “And I came in here, but then I felt worse.”

“You should’ve told me before.”

“I didn’t want you to get sick…”

“I’ve been sick for four days, Peach,” Eddie laughs when you go all sheepish. “I would’ve rather been here getting sick with you than all the way across town worrying if you were dead or not.”

Your brows pinch together. “What?”

“Nothing,” he answers quickly.

You look like you want to argue, but it turns into another coughing fit. Eddie grimaces as you take another hearty sip. It hardly helps.

“What can I do?” he grieves, feeling totally helpless.

“Nothing,” you croak as your head lolls onto the throw pillow behind your head. Your heavy eyes flutter shut. Eddie swears he can hear your chest rattling.

“I’m gonna get you some more water, okay? And maybe a cold rag for you head.” He rises from the table with the glass in hand. “I make you some soup, too, if you have some. I make a mean canned chicken noodle, if I do say so myself—”

“No, don’t go,” you rasp and reach for his head. You rise on your elbow so suddenly that it makes the room spin around you. Your eyes squeeze shut again and you groan.

“See?” Eddie coos with a soft smile. “This is what not accepting my help gets you.”

“Just go home, Eds,” you plead after the room’s stopped spinning. “I’m okay. I don’t wanna get you sick, too.”

“I’m taking care of you today, babe. Whether you like it or not.”

Eddie ushers you to lay back down again. You do so without much protest, but with a pretty little pout on your face. He pulls the quilt back over you and smooths the frown between your brows with his thumb.

“You can try to fight me on this, but I’m pret-ty sure I’d win, so…”

“But it makes me feel bad,” you whine. “I can’t do anything for you—”

“You do stuff for me all the time, alright? Now, it’s my turn. I don’t need you to do anything for me in return, anyway, so… You might as well just let me.”

Eddie gives you little time to argue — not that your body would’ve let you, anyway. He returns with a glass of water, a wet rag, and a kiss on your forehead. He winces playfully after his lips touch your skin and lays the cool cloth over you.

“Jeez, babe. If you get any hotter, you’re gonna burn me,” he jokes, just to make you smile.

He cleans up the living room and wraps you up in more blankets when you start to get the cold sweats. He tucks you in them like a burrito, propping you against the arm of the couch so you can sit up more comfortably.

He’s off to the kitchen a second later. You can hear him rifling through your cabinets for something to ease your prickly throat. The only thing soup-adjacent he finds is a box of macaroni and cheese.

“This’ll have to do…” he murmurs to himself and to his co-chef, Bowie the Calico, who keeps him company while he boils the water and stirs in the powdered cheese. He kisses the wooden spoon to make sure it’s cooled down enough before fixing two bowls.

He carries them bowl, a blue and a green one, into the living room.

“It’s certainly no chicken noodle soup, but it’s still good,” Eddie promises as he sits down the dishes in front of you. He settles neatly on the couch beside you right after. His raised brows disappear behind his curly bangs. “It’s a good thing I make the best boxed mac and cheese this side of Hawkins has ever seen, huh?”

“Yeah,” you hum, smiling despite your exhaustion and the distant throbbing in your head. “I’m really lucky, Eddie Spaghetti.”

Eddie purses his smile to the side and turns his glowing cheeks to the coffee table.

He picks up your bowl and stirs it to let the steam out. His gaze is far shier than it was before when he looks at you again. “How you feeling now, Peach?”

“Like someone shoved a box of cotton up my nose and through my skull.”

“So… better?” he teases.

You know he’s joking, but you nod anyway. “A little. Probably ‘cause you’re here.”

He laughs when weakly jab his thigh with your sock-clad foot.

“And to think, you were gonna kick me out.”

“I’m still scared you’re gonna get sick— what are you doing?” Your head juts back when he lifts the fork to your mouth, motioning for you to eat the pile of noodles sitting on top.

“Feeding you,” he shrugs. “What does it look like.”

“I can feed myself—”

“Ah, ah, ah,” the boy scolds when you reach to take the fork from him. He jerks his hand away from you. His face scrunches in a feigned anger. “I’m taking care of you today, remember? You can have the next turn.”

“Eddie—”

“Don’t Eddie me, alright? Just eat it. The more you argue, the longer this is gonna take.”

You take one bit, just to humor him.

He doesn’t let up until you’ve eaten it all, makes you down the rest of your water, too.

His food is cold now, but you’re better.

The life has returned to your eyes. They twinkle when they look at him, no longer as sunken in as they had been before. A part of him wonders if he’s the reason why. He ultimately decides to blame it on his sort of homemade mac and cheese, lest his heart explode from how much he adores you.

“Feel better?” he asks as he sits your bowl back down on the table.

You nod. For the first time in three days, it doesn’t make your head spin.

“Yeah. Thanks for taking care of me, Eddie Spaghetti.”

“No, thank you, for only putting up a little bit of a fight when I tried, sweetheart.”

He leans forward, as though to kiss you.

You pull back from him. “No, don’t.”

“Why?” he pouts.

“Because you’ll get sick.”

The boy scoffs. “I don’t care about that.”

“Well, I care about that.”

“Babe. I’m made of metal. I don’t get sick.”

You shake your head at the relentless boy. “As long as you’re aware of the consequences,” you lilt in a rasp.

“I’d kiss you now even if it meant I died tomorrow, Peach.”

“That’s really morbid—” you try to joke, but his mouth is already on yours.

He’s got one foot on the ground and a knee digging into the couch. One hand props himself on the cushion at your side while the with clutches the back one. Eddie leans over your bent knees and presses a sweet peck upon your chapped lips.

“Mm,” he hums against you. His pinks lips curl into a grin when he pulls away. His chocolate eyes sparkle at you. “Tastes like mac and cheese and winter time.”

“Wintertime?” you giggle.

“Yeah,” he shrugs.

He doesn’t tell you that he means it more in the flu season way rather than the sparkling snow one. It’s more poetic that way, he figures.

“I’ll get you more water,” he grunts as he rises from the couch, empty bowl and glass in hand.

“Hey, Eds?” you call before he can get too far.

He stops in the door way. “Yeah?”

Your tired head tilts to your shoulder. “I love you.”

“I know,” Eddie grins.

You squint at him before he ducks back into the kitchen.

“I know you did not just Han Solo me—”

#published by bug #eddie munson x reader #stranger things x reader #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson x you #eddie munson imagine #stranger things imagine #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson fic #stranger things fic #stranger things fanfic #st drabbles #eddie spaghetti drabble

384 notes · View notes

owmylasagna-blog · 10 months ago

Note

What do you think of Edd's ''innocence'' moments? Just like him repeteadly believing so easily in Eddy's best intentions in ''Here's mud in your Ed'', ''Truth or Ed'', or ''Tinker Ed''? Or him actually believing the kids will thanks him for sending their parents home in ''Stop, Look, Ed''? Or his gullibilty in believing in Eddy's pranks like ''A Case of Ed'', or multiple times on the movie?

I just find very funny (and kind of adorable) how Edd can be so smart and SO gullible at the same time. His innocence and naivety betrays a lot his intellect.

Oh I love this question! Off the top of my head I have three thoughts that relate to this.

1. It’s just funny

You said it yourself! The plots are a lot more interesting when Edd doesn’t stop the action prematurely because he’s smart enough to know something might backfire or go badly. A lot of episodes would have screeched to a very boring halt if that was the case. He does get a little more cantankerous as the show progresses. He’s much more lax in the earlier seasons and way more of a killjoy in later which results in growing tension with Eddy who can’t seem to pull one over on him as easily as he could before. I also think Edd’s gullibility or naivety is a reminder that even though he is smart and relatively more responsible and mature he is still a kid after all. He wants to trust his friends. He wants to be involved. Eddy is his friend after all.

2. Edd is somewhat idealistic

To contrast Eddy’s cynicism (or realism as he’d probably see it), Edd tends to be more idealistic and optimistic. He sees the value and virtues in learning, in moral conduct, in being attuned to the emotional needs of others. And he seeks to ameliorate things that go wrong. He fixes things. Edd is all rules whereas Eddy is anarchy. He’s the “book smarts” to Eddy’s “street smarts”, which I touch on a bit more in my third point. He absolutely seems more innocent than Eddy who is a “man of the world” as much as possible for a 12 year old in a US suburb lol

3. Dude is not the best at reading social cues

@gettingfrilly might have to edit this take haha I’m not qualified at all to make this assessment but I usually headcanon Edd as having autism and OCD. Some folks with ASD describe taking things very literally and can assume more than not they are being told the truth. Jokes might go over their heads or they don’t really understand the humor in pranks. I’ll be candid and say i have no official diagnosis for ASD myself but boy do I RELATE to this aspect of Edd’s character 😂 From my experience and from others with ASD this can lead to over compensation - from learned experience, if you frequently misinterpret cues or sarcasm and jokes, you can sometimes default to a degree of skepticism around what people mean vs what they say (Are they lying? Are they speaking in couched terms? Are they softening what they really mean to say?). IDK this could all just be anxiety too 🤷

Sorry that got a little personal but I felt giving some personal context and bias would help explain how I interpret this character trait. Just to say that also just because he is gullible that doesn’t undercut his intellect!

I’m really curious what others think about this!!

#yap yap dribble dribble #Edd

31 notes · View notes

itspkuwu · 1 year ago

Text

EEnE characters ranked (MY OPINION)

Let’s cut right to the chase, because I really wanna put this out there.

Lee Kanker is in last place. She gets lower than F tier. Where Marie and May had moments where they seemed to genuinely care about each other, Lee just sits there, manipulates, and spreads cruelty. And as for the times where Marie and May were fighting/being mean etc? Well, I have a theory. Remember in Big Picture Show where we see that Lee has a third eye? You know who else has a third eye for no good reason…?

DEMONS. LEE IS AN ACTUAL DEMONIC MENACE WHO BRAINWASHES HER SISTERS JUST TO MAKE OTHERS FEEL MISERABLE. AND EVEN THEN SHE MISTREATS HER “MINIONS” TOO.

And remember when Nazz kissed Double D and Eddy on the cheek? Compare that to how they react to the Kanker’s kisses. How big those lips are… that specific shade of red… the way the Ed boys become horrified every single time…

THE LIP STICK IS CREATED BY LEE AND HAS DARK MAGIC INSIDE OF IT. THATS MY THEORY. IM STICKING TO IT. SCREW YOU LEE.

(that was a joke lolol)

Everybody in the “lol why” tier it’s just an object that isn’t Plank or I haven’t seen those episodes yet. So I can’t really give my thoughts yet.

Rolf’s animals get their own tier. They have an amazing caretaker :3

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH DORK DORK DORK DORK ITS KEVIN DJDJUDUFHDBRJRIRID.

He’s just a jerk lol.

Eddy’s brother (whose name is apparently Tarry??) is also a jerk. But he makes a pretty cool antagonist. And he just makes me like Eddy even more.

also i feel like he would be a tumblr sexy man

Mildred blinks at you :D

Plank is an immortal God who will one day rule the world. This is my canon.

I REALLY wish we could have seen more of what happened to Jonny post Big Picture Show. Him being “The Gourd” and having a villain arc just sounds super fun. Other than that he’s just a weird kid. I like him.

Don’t let Jimmy fool y’all. He’s a lil maniac. He probably gets it from Sarah. And it’s always a shocker to me given how much he acts so innocent and harmless. He’s a pretty neat anti hero.

I KNOW I SHOULD HATE SARAH. But I feel like there’s more to her than meets the eye. I honestly think her parents taught her the hate her big brother. If they weren’t around, she probably wouldn’t been to mean to him. Making me feel extremely sympathetic for both of them. And at least she looks after Jimmy, giving her redeeming qualities.

To be honest this show needs a character like Nazz. Everything has to be balanced out with someone who isn’t constantly out to get something, being mean, or acting like a weirdo. But yes, she does have her moments, which are rightfully deserved. Plus, I just really like her chill and hippie way of going about.

Marie Kanker and May Kanker are being ranked together. The potential they have to be redeemed is through the roof. They deserve so much better. If Lee wasn’t around to mess with their heads, I think they would be truly happy. Marie could spend her days jamming out and living on the edge, while May is cute and ditzy and a voice of reason at times. Plus both of their hairstyles are really eye candy for me.

The Ed boys are also being ranked together. What else can I say that hasn’t been said already? The way these three bounce off of each other is extremely enjoyable and definitely gets good laughs out of me. I know they have their moments where they aren’t so friendly, but you don’t always have to get along with someone for you to still love them. And when the gentle giant goof, the soft hearted nerd, and the selfish man with a heart of gold do get along, it’s sweeter than jawbreakers :)

AND NOW WE HAVE ARRIVED AT THE TRUE GOD. THE LIGHT IN DARK TIMES. THE DIAMOND WITHIN THE DIRT. THE ONLY BOY ON THE SHOW WITH A GOOD HAIRCUT.

ROLF. THE SON OF A SHEPHERD.

Rolf is hands down one of if not the best side character in animation history. He’s a goober for one thing. But a goober that’s gets us to take him seriously. You do not mess with this man. His pride is enough to break you leg. And yet, he still manages to be one of the nicest characters in the show. He’s so friendly and upbeat! And when he isn’t… his dark side is also a fun time.

And another thing, he’s a fish out of water. Which also allows the viewer to feel sympathetic for him. Like in Wish You Were Ed. Seeing Rolf cry is something you’d never think you’d see, but when you do, it makes you feel a somber emotion you had no idea existed. It’s amazing.

yeah, Rolf is amazing.

Also I asked my sister if she wanted to dance to That’s My Horse at her wedding and she said no. What a loser right?

So uh, that’s my list. Hope you enjoyed.

Go hug a chicken.

#ed edd n eddy #eene #eene rolf #the kanker sisters #marie kanker #may kanker #cartoon network #tier list #ranking #iNmYoWnPeRsOnAlHeAdCaNoN #my thoughts 💭#my opinion #I hate you lee

14 notes · View notes

peachsugarr · 2 years ago

Note

Heyyy, Was wondering if you could do some headcannons with a Y/N (She is just King douchebag from SOT) that gets reveiled to everyone shes a girl. Cause simce they met her they thought she was a dude. Shes just stares at them blankly and shrugs at their confusion and shock cause she dont care.

normally i don’t pen this type of request, but this ask was sent before i made my masterlist; hence you had no way of knowing that in advance. so i’ll write this for you, just to be nice! think of it as a grandfather clause of sorts. all i ask in return, is for you to read the rules if/when you want to send more asks.

also, happy pride month everyone!

as a lesbian myself, i hope everyone, in both the queer community and their allies, enjoys themselves and all the rights we have fought for over the years!

𓆩♡𓆪 surprise gender reveal 𓆩♡𓆪

ever since you came to south park, you’ve always chose to represent as AMAB

you always had tomboyish tendencies, but this choice was less about preference and more of a necessity

all you knew you weren’t interested in whatever the girls were doing and the boys had a really fun game that they definitely wouldn’t let girls into

so that was that

it wasn’t hard at all

you went by a masculines version of y/n or some basic boys name that started with the same letter (all that goes to waste when they just call you douchebag imao)

if your hair was long, you either just kept your strands pinned up in a hat or just cut it all off with safety scissors until it looked like a crew cut made with a weed whacker, and if it was already short, you just let it go unsettled as is

despite a few changes, your body practically looked the same as any of the boys, and they were never something that couldn’t be hidden with some huge shirt you “borrowed” from your dad

they let you in without a hitch, and you play through the game normally, fighting madly over a tree branch and going on zany adventures (you did laugh your ass off about being blindfolded into the girl’s “ committee”, but you kept that inside your head)

a few months passed, and you feel like you’ve hit your peak

you’ve become king douchebag, and everybody mostly respects you, even cartman!

the parents are off your back about having friends, and while confused about the sudden change, don’t really care about it.

all of it could’ve crumbled on that one inconvenient afternoon

you were duking it out with a random thief; turns out they stole loot from your super cool fortress (your bedroom)

you try to use your powers to subdue the threat to your kingdom, but he seems to have the energy of ten thousand crackheads (excluding tweek)

just then, he knees y/n right into your crotch

the game has rules against farting on someone’s balls, but they never said you couldn’t roshambo them

you falls on your knees, yelping in agony

while it still stings, you get back on your knees, ready to battle again, when butters shouts in a panic

“oh hamburgers, i think y/n’s gonna go to heaven!”

kyle interjects, saying

“butters, you don’t need to fucking shout! y/n’s going to be alright”

“then what’s that on their pants!”

you look down your body, pissed beyond belief that they’re stopping the game over this, getting hit really wasn’t THAT big of a deal…

and then you see it. a pool of crimson decided to start around your thighs, a stark contrast that nobody couldn’t notice

you didn’t know what it was at first, as you didn’t have the best sex-ed education

your parents were too busy protecting their identities to really explain to you what a period was

mr. garrison just said that periods were “something that makes a woman a total bitch!”

and the movie you watched behind the couch, as your parents had a movie night, just had a girl get pelted with tampons for bleeding

with your experience, you did what any great ruler would do, one that was determined to defend their land and people from troubles ahead

you stopped the game abruptly and ran home

the boys all had different reactions. some wanted to comfort you, some whined about what a lousy asshole you were leaving them there, and others thought they were having a funeral pyre next week

whatever they thought, they still chased you because they couldn’t do much by themselves when the game revolved around you

you didn’t care about any of that. you ran as fast your stubby little legs could carry you

you covered your body with your coat, wanting to dissolve into your clothing entirely

you didn’t stray too far from your house, and you and your group soon slam the door open, coming on your mom drinking her third bottle of wine today (she was getting better)

you spout a glibbish mess of sentences about bleeding out and dying, you not knowing why this is happening to you, that you loved her very much, before falling into a pleading sob

your mom holds your hand tight, before laughing right in your face

you’re still worried but also pissed that she thinks your death is a fucking joke; you ask what is wrong with her

“Oh, y/n! you’re not hurt at all.

thanks again, cartman

your mom is shocked that you’ve been lying to them this whole time, and carefully fills like everything

they are respectful to her for the most part, what with cartman making objections and craig just…leaving mid conversation.

you are panicking inside, but you decide to take it in stride and take whatever decision they give you

the last few days are awkward for both you and them

you could cut through the tension through your cardboard sword

they ask a concerning amount of questions about you being a girl

especially princess kenny

princess kenny wants to know everything about you, girlfriend

it’s all met with eye rolls and intense shrugging

so much so that your head and shoulders hurt from doing it

despite their shock, your genitals really didn’t matter before and you doubt they will now

they call you into a meeting with them, and your cool facade starting cracking under the rumbling in your stomach

they all look at you in total awe, like you’re a witch being burned alive in salem

the whispering grows among them, and you hum to yourself quietly just to drown it out

the final judgement comes in.

stan starts to give a half-assed speech but cartman interrupts not even a sentence in

while you have committed the capital crime of being a girl, you are awesome enough where they can overlook that

you can keep both your title and all the powers you had before

you are bursting with joy, but you keep your celebration to jimmying in your seat so they don’t take that all back

life soon turns to normal, but a few differences have become apparent

cartman seems to not personally approve of you staying in the LARP (he’s still in his “girls have cooties” stage)

he’s still decent to you (as he can be, anyways) but you noticed he gives you less quests and xp than before

not that matters at this point, but you act a bit more snarky towards him

even flipping him off once or twice

you worry that stan is going to barf on you at any moment, so you start wearing a raincoat around him

he never does though, for he has eyes on a certain ruler in another kingdom

positive changes come your way, nevertheless

for example, you get the comedy of clyde declaring to everyone he’s not gay for having a crush on you (craig is not pleased. at all)

several debates were held over you in craig’s gang

and kenny starts to hang out with you more, what with you two being the only “girls” around to talk to

overall, while you wish that you could’ve kept your secret longer, it didn’t mean squat in the end, as these guys would have stuck with you regardless.

you spend all day planning for the next big game, planning your outfits and attacks with excitement

you even try wearing a skirt/more feminine colors with your outfit, because maybe being a girl isn’t so bad after all

that is, until you have to miss out on the first branch of the superhero arc due to your cramps putting a vice grip on your ovaries like you owe them millions

goddamnit.

if you made it all the way here, thank you so much for reading. if you liked what you see, please don’t hesitate to put fic or head-canon ideas in my inbox! i’m only writing style for now, but can’t wait to see the possibilities. other anon; i will publish your story idea soon, i apologize for the wait.

hope you all have a lovely day!

-filia

#south park headcanons #south park #stick of truth #kyle brovlofski #stan marsh #eric cartman #butters stotch #kenny mccormick #y/n headcanons #please send me some shit #craig tucker #clyde donovan #tw: periods

19 notes · View notes

moonboy-ish · 1 year ago

Text

Hello! I'm Koy it's a pleasure to meet you

I'm an 18 years old trans (neurodivergent) dude who's barely starting his transition sooooo stick around to see how this goes! ✨

My friends took as a hobby giving me names so here are the ones I have from them that stuck

Koray(Koy)

Alejandro(Ale)

Felix(Lix)

I'll be using this blog as more... NSFW ish… in thoughts, rambles and arts, and more personal stuff I guess

Sfw & art blog: @kabs1912

I’m going to leave my little wishlist here if any of you guys want to gift me something ;>

More stuff about me

Sometimes use emojis as tone indicators (and tone tags), but not on prompt writing

I’m T4T~ had some experience with cis people 😒 and that is just not my cup off tea anymore

I’m bisexual with a preference for mans, and also polyam, but currently I’m single

I would say I’m a bottom/sub maybe power bottom if I put in the effort but honestly I like the idea of someone taking the lead

I’m in fact, a virgin

Love pet names!! ✨

Feel free to interact if you are

Part of the LGBTQ+ community

Specially if your trans

18-25 years old (specially if you want to dm me)

A decent human being in general

DO NOT INTERACT

MINORS, MAPS, RACISTS, TRANSPHOBES, RIGHT-WING BITCHES, DETRANS, AGEPLAY, ANY FORM OF ED BLOG, MEN DNI BLOGS, HIGHLY RELIGIOUS christian PEOPLE

I have religious trauma so yeah, politely fuck off

I don’t like you and you won’t like me

DM/ASK/General Interactions Rules

Almost every pet name is welcome, but if you're going to call me pretty or beautiful it has to go with “boy” or something to match my pronouns like “pretty boy” or “beautiful thing” just don’t like the feminine implication on them

Please try to use all my pronouns, not just he/him

No photos on DM, just, don't, I'll post when I'll post and I don't want yours there so, yeah

I tend to be really irregular with responses on DM (adhd acting up) so I apologize in advance, sooner or later I’ll remember that I only answered in my brain

If you come up as aggressive or I don't like your vibe I probably won't answer

If you make me uncomfortable in any way I WILL block you

ALSO IF YOU’RE OLDER THAN 30 DO NOT TOUCH THIS BLOG, GET OUT OF HERE YOU COULD EASILY BE MY PARENT AND THAT’S JUST WEIRD THIS WILL GET YOU BLOCKED IMMEDIATELY

Questions list: https://www.tumblr.com/moonboy-ish/738710799823126528/bigger-new-list-of-sex-questions

Kinky and horny stuff

I'm into: bondage/restraint; cock warming; corruption; pet play (especially puppy play); spanking; biting(I have an oral fixation); slight knife play; size kink; praise; slight degrading; body worship; edging; overstim; breeding (NO PREGNANCY OR RAISING); free use, but just in private

Okay Terms: (boy)pussy, cunt, hole, chest, clit, (t)cock

I'm NOT into: any body fluid aside from cum, sweat, tears, or blood (in small quantities and period blood is a no); misgendering, or any form of forced feminization; Religious Kink(at least if I don’t explicitly say it’s fine); body modification; Any form of incest(fauxcest included); any public stuff that isn't in a four-wall room like, there can be other people, but not in public spaces

•If something is not listed is because I don’t have an explicit opinion on it, feel free to ask if something interests you and it’s not here•

TAGS:

- Koy-prompt: scenarios and prompts

- Koy-ramble: rambles and thoughts

- Koy-sfw: sfw

- Koy-nsft : nsft

- Koy-asks : asks

- Koy-pics : pics

- koy-art: nsfw art that I don’t feel like posting on my main blog

Last updated: January 8th, 2024

#ftm #demiboy #trans #t4t #transmasc #nonbinary #trans nsft #t4t nsft #lgbtq #lgbt pride #trans pride #trans artist #Koy-ramble

6 notes · View notes

deadcactuswalking · 1 year ago

Text

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 29/07/2023 (’Barbie’ Soundtrack, Stormzy/RAYE, Travis Scott/The Weeknd/Bad Bunny)

Content warning: mentions of death and violence

For an eighth week, Dave and Cench grab the #1 with “Sprinter” once again, but the rest of the chart… it’s not as stable. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Rundown

Okay, but did Oppenheimer chart seven songs this week? I don’t think so. The Barbie soundtrack is not the only story here, but it is the main one in a busier week than expected - and kind of a chaotic one - but as always, we start with our notable dropouts, songs exiting the UK Top 75 - which is what I’ve always covered - after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we say farewell to a bunch of old songs like “Sweet Child o’ Mine” by Guns n’ Roses, “I’m Still Standing” by Elton John - “Cold Heart” (PNAU Remix) with Dua Lipa as well - then slightly newer songs like “Waffle House” by the Jonas Brothers, “Escapism.” by RAYE featuring 070 Shake, “messy in heaven” by venbee and goddard. and “Bad Habits” by Ed Sheeran, and then actually new songs, those being “Dance Around It” by Joel Corry and Caity Baser, “Say Yes to Heaven” by Lana Del Rey and “Masculine” by J Hus featuring Burna Boy, which was swapped out for another J Hus song this week.

Then we have our returns and notable gains… and well, there’s a lot going on here. Firstly in our returns, we see again the three-song rule swap out “Karma” by Taylor Swift for “Anti-Hero” at #41 and the return of “Dial Drunk” by Noah Kahan all the way up at #32 thanks to the pretty great remix with Post Malone. Additionally, due to her passing on Wednesday, we see “Nothing Compares to U” by Irish singer Shuhada’ Sadaqat, better known of course as Sinéad O’Connor, return to #45. She was brave and revolutionary in her criticism of the Catholic Church and constantly stood for what she believed in which, great music aside, is incredibly honourable, and it’s a damn shame she was never really able to find peace. “Nothing Compares 2 U” originally hit #1 for four weeks in 1990, and despite an array of charting songs in the UK from 1987 to 2007, she would never make the top 10 again aside from another #1 as part of Band Aid. On a lighter note, whilst I have yet to see the Barbie film, I have heard the soundtrack, which whilst nowhere to be seen on the albums chart, tops the compilations chart, with many a song from the film crossing over to the singles chart. The songs that are not new and not gaining into the top five are both returns: Charli XCX’s “Speed Drive” at #19 and a song technically not on the album, the original “Barbie Girl” by Aqua resurging to #40. It also hit #1 for four weeks, yet in this case in 1997.

As for our gains, there aren’t many but most are interesting - sure, there are rote, kind of inexplicable boosts for “Closer” by Bou featuring Slay at #27 - the best-selling USB stick release ever, seriously - and “Disconnect” by Becky Hill and Chase & Status at #17, but we also see NewJeans’ album release boosting “Super Shy” up to #52 and a remix with Burna Boy brings Byron Messia’s “Talibans” up to 12. The remix doesn’t exactly help the song be any less gross or more interesting.

This week’s top five on the UK Singles Chart has three songs from that Barbie soundtrack in it - the three-song rule was not applied to it - so we start with “Barbie World” by Nicki Minaj, Ice Spice and Aqua at #5, “Dance the Night” by Dua Lipa at #4, her 13th top 10 hit, and Billie Eilish at #3 with “What Was I Made For?”, a consecutive Barbie three-streak. The top two, of course, is all standard - “vampire” by Olivia Rodrigo and “Sprinter” at the very top. Now we have a… questionable stretch of new arrivals, so let’s get into them.

NEW ARRIVALS

#67 - “Highs & Lows” - Prinz featuring Gabriela Bee

Produced by ME13 Beats

So you might remember Prinz for contributing verses to “Beautiful Day (Thank You for Sunshine)”, a cute if saccharine Christian drill song that peaked at #63 earlier this year. He’s back for a follow-up single and he’s doing… this nonsense. Okay, so Gabriela Bee was a Canadian Vine star as a child who’s grown up into a singer-songwriter - naturally - gathering some viral cover videos across the way. Here she is reciting a 2019 non-mover by similarly Canadian indie pop group Walk off the Earth - Canada Day was at the start of this month, Prinz - titled “I’ll be There”. It only ever charted in Canada, and never particularly high, largely because it’s a sappy boring love song with about as much teeth as “Girls Like You” by Maroon 5 without its denchers. So naturally, sample drill, right? He even harmonises with the pitch-shifted chorus, before going into verses that are sing-songy when he wants to and needlessly staccato and aggressive when he wants to do that, with the rattling percussion and sliding 808s always present. This just sounds ridiculous. I didn’t know there was a market for wholesome Christian drill but this really just sounds like a cheap children’s version of the genre. I really ponder how we got this point.

#61 - “Asking” - Sonny Fodera and MK featuring Clementine Douglas

Produced by MK and Sonny Fodera

Marc Kinchen is no stranger to the chart but here, he teams up with two fellow non-Canadians: Australian-born DJ Sonny Fodera, who makes his first entry since he last teamed up with MK on 2019’s “One Night”, which was a very minor hit the year after, and Clementine Douglas, the British singer providing raspy vocals on yet another 90s throwback house tune. It really just follows a standard house-pop progression with a particularly ugly staccato backing synth line, and decidedly not catchy vocals from Douglas, wherein the vocaloid drop is so ever-present, it ends up drowning whatever refrains or harmonies she can come up with… and then really bizarrely impactful drums come in that seem way too big for what this song actually is. When it plunges into the deep bass, it makes a lot more sense, but kind of has me wondering what this song was actually trying to do compositionally. I like the glitchier synths and orchestra hits in what I think is the chorus and drop, but they’re still over a very stiff production here that is monotonous as all Hell, its biggest talent being its stillness. So, yeah, not a fan at all, which is kind of a shame coming from MK.

#58 - “Man I Am” - Sam Smith

Produced by Mark Ronson and Ricky Reed

Whoever decided to give the non-Canadian Sam Smith a song about being a man knows what they’re doing and I don’t think it’s all that pleasant. To be fair to them, they definitely embraced the less-than-flattering title and subject matter, which is actually in the character of Ken, not that it’ll matter to certain people. This actually ended up being one of my favourites off of the soundtrack, with Smith’s gravelly delivery sandwiched in between a garish electroclash synth and the airier synths surrounding them, as they indulge in the hedonism fully, to the point that they almost reject Barbie altogether and hint at preferring the company of men. Homoerotic Ken is obnoxious, sure, but the wacky synthwork in the pre-chorus bursts into a back-of-the-mix bleep during that anthemic hook and whilst there’s not really much to it outside of being fun, I’d prefer that mode from Sam Smith than a ballad, and actually bordering on the transgressive is more fitting for the film from what I’ve heard than any of the cookie-cutter crap that’s also present. We’ll get to that after these violent messages.

#53 - “Massacre” - J Hus

Produced by Marco Bernardis and P2J

I fully expect songs to swap in and out from big albums thanks to silly chart rules, and non-Canadian rapper J Hus doing so with Beautiful and Brutal Yard - dropping from #1 to #4 on the albums chart right now thanks to Blur - was only slightly a surprise. The reason this song in particular raised enough traction was probably due to its A COLORS SHOW performance, but the original version has a lot of merit itself. This is probably the most gruff and menacing J Hus has ever sounded over these sprawling acoustic and typical Afroswing rhythms. Sure, some of the rhymes are forced and his flow is a lot less stable than usual on the verses, but there’s a decent amount of detail in both his past of gang violence and mental health issues that arose as a result of them and prevent him from moving on. It sadly doesn’t go too deep into that, because J Hus just can’t help himself but make the rote second verse about having sex with this woman and I really don’t know why he couldn’t have just written an on-topic verse here. It’s otherwise a great song, with the strings that send it off splitting the song’s tone somewhere between violent and reflective in a really open-to-interpretation way that ends up succeeding on both of its potential fronts thanks to a strong chorus and first verse, I just wish it kept up with its own theme throughout the entire track is all. The COLORS SHOW version also replaces some of the quiet, murderous cool for more manic energy and it probably depends on the day which version I prefer because otherwise there’s very little that stands out as all that different but overall, still a good song regardless of version.

#39 - “Pink” - Lizzo

Produced by Mark Ronson, Andrew Wyatt and Ricky Reed

I was initially kinder to this one when first listening to it, and sure, Lizzo - not Canadian - still has charisma and soul in her voice that not many of the other features on this project do, and in terms of being able to co-inhabit Ronson’s 80s synth-funk palette, you can’t really get better than Lizzo… so naturally, this is a children’s song. I’m sure it makes a lot more sense in the film but knowing that songs like “Barbie World”, “Man I Am” and “butterflies” are in this same film makes this particular track feel like it’s appealing to the broadest possible horizons whilst simultaneously not making any worthwhile arguments for its own existence. It’s barely even catchy, it wouldn’t make a good theme song because it’s not nearly as compact with its “ideas” despite only being less than two and a half minutes. So, realistically, we just have Lizzo spelling out words over 80s radio slodge. The sax sounds good, it always will, and I guess everything complements quite well, but that’s not exactly hard when you don’t take any risks. Complete snooze.

#36 - “Love Like This” - ZAYN

Produced by Jon Bellion and The Monsters & Strangerz

Welp, ZAYN’s back - and he’s not Canadian, nor ever has been. I feel like we do this song-and-dance with ZAYN album cycles a lot, and it’s of no surprise to me that the returns are decreasing. He releases a lead single that debuts high and is pretty accessible before a delayed and/or completely ignorable album cycle that comes and goes, with very little of the vague ambition ZAYN ever showed on his earlier solo work actually showing up, especially not on these lead singles. In this one, Jon Bellion continues on his weird 2-step streak, which is probably the only genre wherein Bellion doesn’t out-sing the actual singer through his signature writing… so why give it to ZAYN of all people? He drones on in the repetitive verses like he’s completely sedated over a kind of promisingly lo-fi garage beat, and then ends up somehow off-beat in the pre-chorus that lacks an actual coherent melody, before an anti-climactic, awkwardly-written chorus that makes unnecessary use of a piercing siren sound. This feels like a vehicle for Jon Bellion’s worst ideas rather than anything that can give ZAYN that last push he might need to actually impress me, but alas, if he’s not trying, then we don’t have to listen, and it’s becoming increasingly clear that the general public follows the same logic.

#25 - “I’m Just Ken” - Ryan Gosling

Produced by Mark Ronson and Andrew Wyatt

Now this is the viral show tune sung by the decidedly Canadian actor Ryan Gosling in character as Ken, and I feel like this one ESPECIALLY hinges on your viewing of the film because of how explicitly tied to the plot it is. The film’s use of Ken seems to comment on how Ken was made post-Barbie, purely to serve the initial doll, with director Greta Gerwig pointing this out. Therefore, we have this idea of a man functioning without true comprehension of its emotions and instead just as a worker with a fake tan and toned body. Naturally, Ronson spares us the subtleties, as the show tune ends up going full rock musical, with a muddy filtered synth and electric guitars crashing in after the first chorus and from when on, the song kind of goes off the rails. Gosling already sounds like an AOR vocalist, so the shift makes complete sense… but then it gets really propulsive and Gosling’s asking if I can feel his “Kenergy” and I mean, it is supposed to be a comedy, so I guess throwing away a chunk of this song to a flailing meme makes complete sense. The abrupt transition back into the actual song just accentuates how tacky everything about that second verse and bridge is; it really just isn’t necessary in an otherwise pretty impactful self-questioning. This has a lot of promise to it, but sadly, probably due to narrative reasons, squanders that midway through. Much of the soundtrack album felt like that too, good ideas squandered by not taking risks, with the bad, risky ideas ending up being the most fascinating and honestly the best songs. My favourites were the aforementioned “Man I Am” and “What Was I Made For?” as well as GAYLE’s Crazy Town flip “butterflies” and Khalid’s adorable “Silver Platter”. Now let’s get back to actual music.

#24 - “K-POP” - Travis Scott, Bad Bunny and The Weeknd

Produced by BNYX, Boi-1da, Illangelo, Jahaan Sweet and DVLP

Oh, hey, look at that. A Canadian. Odd running gag aside, this is the lead single to the long-anticipated UTOPIA and I’ll save my thoughts on the album for next week - they’re not pretty - but I do have to ponder. Travis Scott actively promoted himself to children through McDonald’s meals and Fortnite appearances, and gained some really young fans, including one Ezra Blount, whom his father said was stoked to see Travis at the Astroworld Festival. He was nine years old. After two years of pain from the victims’ friends and family, and a grand jury conveniently and incorrectly declining to indict him and the corporations involved of any wrongdoing just about when he’s going to release a record, we get our first work from Travis as a lead artist in years. When I hear this barely coherent and crappily-mixed attempt at dancehall from Yeat’s producer, seemingly void of any understanding of the genre mish-mash on display, wherein Bad Bunny is the only person here not on complete auto-pilot, The Weeknd embarrasses himself with career-low lyrics that not even Drake would let go past the reference track, and Travis Scott lazily whining in mumbling Auto-Tune some vague platitudes about a drug-fuelled nostalgia, it sticks in my mind: he was just nine years old. Rest well, little buddy, because your idols definitely couldn’t care less.

#23 - “The Weekend” - Stormzy and RAYE

Produced by London and RAYE

And from The Weeknd to “The Weekend”, yet we’re a lot further from Canada here. It is pretty cool that despite all of the American pop culture nonsense that was thrown at us this week, the highest debut is from two British artists, one of which is independent. The song’s pretty sweet too, with RAYE’s ghostly harmonies and melodrama sliding pretty acutely under the stiffer, effortless cool of Stormzy. I was actually surprised the two had this much chemistry and they work off of each other pretty effortlessly, even if the mix on this fudgy, bassy funk-pop isn’t all that clean. There’s not much of a focus on sex or Stormzy himself other than some silly references, with the song mostly just being an appreciation of his partner, played by RAYE, and his deadpan delivery works as almost portraying him as slightly awestruck by her. The little trade-off in the refrain where they try and figure out a good day to hang out is adorable, and the entire song, despite my issues with the production, is a pretty little jam I definitely wouldn’t mind sticking around.

Conclusion

Well, this sure was the week that was, and not particularly a stand out week quality wise, in fact, this one was kind of a struggle. Best of the Week goes to Sam Smith of all people for “Man I Am”, but the Honourable Mention is a tie, given that the other two good songs here are just expectedly solid songs from UK acts that both may end up growing on me, with “The Weekend” by Stormzy and RAYE and “Massacre” by J Hus being my other favourites this week. As for the worst, Travis Scott takes it handedly with “K-POP” featuring Bad Bunny and The Weeknd, but I don’t think ZAYN is all that far behind as he gets the Dishonourable Mention for “Love Like This”, though that very much could have gone to Lizzo and absolutely could have gone to whatever Prinz was doing. As for what’s on the horizon, we had a big release week with albums from Anne-Marie, Post Malone and Travis Scott, and Calvin Harris is raring for his big “Miracle” follow-up, so expect more craziness to come. Thank you for reading, rest in peace to Sinéád O’Connor and I will see you next week!

3 notes · View notes

twinhood-2dot0 · 2 years ago

Text

A Shallow Dive into Sampling, Remixing, and Covering

Before we begin, I will define these words. My definitions are mine alone and there may be official ones, but I’m going to be sticking to mine.

Sampling: Taking a part of another song and using it in key elements of your songs.

Remixing: Taking a song and remaking elements such as melodies and basslines.

Covering: Recording of a song with minimal lyrical or musical changes.

So, I’m a huge fan of sampling, but many consider them copying. Hank made a video on it, which you probably have already watched but I will link it nonetheless.

youtube

I think of sampling as writing a love letter to a song. Take Avicii for example. I consider him a master of sampling. Yes, I know, I consider him a master of music, but my favourite things in his songs are his samples.

So, his first big hit and also the anthem of Tomorrowland, the biggest music festival, as voted by fans, Levels, is a song he made, just to sample Etta James’s Something’s Got a Hold On Me because he loved it so much. I don’t think you can get any closer to a love letter. (BTW you don’t have to listen to the whole songs, just the parts I link)

(Tumblr doesn't wanna abide by timespants so just use the link or listen to the whole song (highly recommended))

(Dumb rule apparently only 10 videos are allowed per post so I will use spotify where relevant)

Here’s Levels

youtube

And here’s SGHOM (this one works the sample is at the beginning)

youtube

My favourite song of all time, Dear Boy, samples Hymn by Jonas Knutsson Band, a jazz song. He made a prog house bop out of a jazz song.

Dear Boy (Timestamp)

youtube

Hymn (Beginning)

youtube

There’s a ton more examples, but listing them all would take a ton of time, but here’s one last one.

Kygo, Avicii, Sandro Cavazza - Forever Yours (Beginning)

youtube

Sting - Shape of My Heart

youtube

I don’t think this shows lack of creativity, I think it does the opposite. I never would have heard these songs if Avicii did not sample them so I got him to thank for that. Moving on, we have Daft Punk, one of Avicii’s biggest inspirations, no idea if he was inspired to sample by them too. (I’m sorry I circled back to Avicii but that’s just how it is with me, I’m sorry.)

Daft Punk samples lots. And I mean lots. I don’t think lack of creativity even applies here because the samples are creative in and of themselves. Here’s a 2 min video (I’m sorry but you need to see this):

youtube

Here’s a song I love that has been sampled a lot.

David Martin - Can’t Smile Without You:

youtube

It’s been covered by Barry Manilow and The Carpenters, but I want to focus on the samplers here.

Daft Punk - Instant Crush:

youtube

And also by Marshmello in Leave Before You Love Me:

Now, onto remixing. I don’t think I have much to say here, I think everyone knows what remixing is, but anyways, I’ll provide an example (Trying my best to not link an Avicii song but he does make the best remixes even if they’re very few). While in the process of writing this I was watching a video of Daft Punk samples and they even sampled the Apollo 16 and 17 missions apparently.

Okay let’s get back on track. Kygo in the space between his 2020 and 2022 albums released a lot of covers/remixes of 80s songs. Kygo, Whitney Houston - Higher Love:

Whitney Houston - Higher Love: https://youtu.be/DbmiyLe2OnY

I cannot for the life of me find Whitney Houston's cover on Spotify, so enjoy the original Steve Winwood one:

I call this a cover/remix because according to my definition it should be a remix but the naming of the track seems reminiscent of covers. If it had a different singer I’d classify it as a cover but no, it’s Whitney Houston with Kygo instrumentals so it’s a remix in my eyes. (Also footnote, Higher Love was originally performed by Steve Winwood, covered by Whitney Houston and remixed by Kygo.) Kygo also got big by posting his remixes of songs on Soundcloud, so here’s one of them, it’s an Ed Sheeran one:

Kygo's remix is an unofficial one he posted on Soundcloud so no Spotify :(

Ed Sheeran - I See Fire (Kygo Remix): https://youtu.be/F3o1izxjCkM

Ed Sheeran - I See Fire: https://youtu.be/2fngvQS_PmQ

Imho this is the third best remix ever made behind Avicii's best.

Anyways, moving on to covers. Jasmine Thompson is a famous cover artist, and made a cover of Ain’t Nobody. I guess Felix Jaehn liked it and made a backing track for it. Here there’s new instrumentals and new vocalist, but nothing else has changed.

Felix Jaehn ft. Jasmine Thompson - Ain’t Nobody: https://youtu.be/5j1RCys4R0g

Chaka Khan - Ain’t Nobody: https://youtu.be/-Ro8-ngA8gs

The next song is an ABBA one! This is a unique case in that I love both versions equally. Again, new instrumentals, new singer (I think?), same melody, same lyrics

ABBA - Gimme Gimme Gimme: https://youtu.be/XEjLoHdbVeE

GAMPER & DADONI - Gimme Gimme Gimme: https://youtu.be/OR5jsmDTUrc

I’ll sign off with a hilarious song I discovered. It’s a song about a girl who’s in utter denial about her breakup. I know I shouldn’t be laughing but holy hell the level of denial:

NOTD, Nina Nesbitt - Cry Dancing: https://youtu.be/Qp-UbtDVf7I

Okay, that’s it from me, I tend to ramble on, sorry, see you on thursday!

-Alia

(Oh wow I overshot by about 5 times damn, the shallow dive turned out to be pretty deep also this took a lot of effort please appreciate not the post it's pretty much a rant but the embeds took effort and also the last minute edits scrambling to somehow get this done by 12 even though I had most of the content ready days ago this is literally the only thing I can get done on time ok thank you bye i'll stop talking now see you)

#music #electronic music #remixes #cover song #dftba #Youtube #Spotify #SoundCloud

3 notes · View notes

cat-of-starlight · 3 years ago

Text

Ya know,, it’s kind of sad to get into something new and to see people being critical of it for (mainly) stupid reasons,,,

Started playing Tales of Luminaria, and I really like it! It’s a little odd to get used to at first, and the combat is a little weird sometimes, but!! It only just came out, and the devs are already listening to fans to improve it-

Also the story is still a little slow, but it’s also only the beginning of the plot, and it sounds like it’s going to take some reeeeaaallly cool directions with it!

So yea, I like it~ (And like,, I need ingame friends, so if any followers want to try a new mobile game,, 👀)

Also: Its reaaaaallly funny to me how a lot of people’s major complaint is “No Japanese Voices”. I uhhh- I’ve been wanting a mobile Tales of game to care enough to give out English Voices for YEARS now, so yea, lmao- Plus, my favorite character shares a voice with another character I absolutely adore, so it’s a win for me, lmao

Anyway yea, I’m just rambling, but I like the game, and I wish more people did! ;u;

#hehe I rambled but hey #tales of luminaria #also: Ed is best boy I don’t make the rules

26 notes · View notes

xmalereader · 3 years ago

Text

Dano! Riddler X Child Male Reader

|| 1 ||

|| Masterlist ||

TWO

Summary: Everyone thinks that the riddler is a psychopath for murdering all of those officers and turning it into a game for the city. What they don’t know is that the man under the mask has his own secret that he keeps close and safe.

Warnings: Dark theme, slight fluff, mentions of adoption, Bruce Wayne’s fatherly instincts, angst, violence, mentions of abuse, Edward is a semi good father, traumatic environment, reader is a child, possessive behavior, Batman being good with kids, Gordon trying his best.

A soft huff is heard as a small child walks down the streets of Gotham. The sun was slowly setting on the horizon and the small child was alone, waiting near a bus station alone as he kicked his little legs, looking back and forth as he waits for the last bus to arrive.

It wasn’t the child’s first time waiting alone, he knew that the streets of Gotham were dangerous and not safe for a child, especially for one who was alone with no guardian. The child claims that he can take care of himself but knowing the young child, he was frightened of being alone after spending all those years in the orphanage. He was alone during the cold winters and afraid of the days the children were beaten for misbehaving.

Because of those frightening days he never spoke badly to those who helped around the orphanage, he did as he was told and followed the rules, behaving for others in order to avoid a beating. Luckily he was taken out of the hell hole by a young man who took interest in him, he offered him a nice home and a promise to make the city a better place for him.

Until that day he has been living with his new father, obeying the rules and making sure not to overstep. There were days where he was frightened of messing up and being sent back to the orphanage, the day he over stepped his boundaries he expected a beating from the man, but instead he was forgiven and received actual love. The man showing him kindness and love. After the man had showed him kindness he grew attached to him, remaining close to the hip.

As the sky grew darker the young child still remained seated, waiting for the bus. His head perks up at the sudden sound of a bus driving down the street and towards the stop. The boy jumps off his seat and smiles widely as the bus comes to a stop, he watches different adults step out. His eyes scanning around until he takes notice of the dirty blonde hair.

“Eddy!” He calls out happily, waving his hands as he catches the older man’s attention.

Edward gives him a faint smile as he approaches his son and bends down to his height. “What did I say about coming out here alone?” He reminds the boy again, knowing that he was going to be ignored again.

“I wanted to wait for you! I was also careful.” The young boy says.

Edward sighs with a shake of his head, standing back up as he pats his head. “Come on, let’s go home.” He whispers, walking them back back home as Y/n wraps his hand around his jacket, walking in silence next to Edward.

“Are you going to work some more today?” Y/n suddenly asks.

Edward nods slowly. “I have some things to do.” He knows he is to continue on with his plan. Cleansing the city of horrible and terrible people, he was doing this for his son and wanting to keep him safe. He wanted him to grow up in a safe city that he would enjoy living in. So, he had to get some work done first.

Y/n pouts, looking down in disappointment. It goes unnoticed by Edward as he chuckles to himself and reaches down to take his sons hand into his own, walking them up the stairs and towards there apartment room. “I knew you’d react this way.” He approaches the room and takes out his keys. “Which is why I bought you something.”

This catches the boys attention. “Is it another puzzle?!” He asks in excitement. After spending two years with Edward he had learned to love Puzzles and riddles, something that the two enjoy together during there free time.

“Yes.” Ed kicks the door open and lets Y/n enter first as he rushed inside in excitement, he tossed his bag on the desk and pulls out a new jigsaw puzzle for Y/n. “Here.” He approaches him and shows him the box. An image of a sunrise was shown on the box, giving them an idea of what the puzzle to look like after.

“Can I do it now?” Y/n asks, hugging the box close to his chest as he bounced in excitement. Edward smiles softly. “Yes but—“ He holds him in place before he could run off.

Edward face is expressionless as he instructs y/n. “I’ll be having a guest over soon and will need to work.” He reminds him. “What are the rules when someone is over?”

The boy fidgets. “Stay in my room and listen to my music while playing with the puzzle.” He repeats the same thing that Edward tells him every time a guest is over. “And what do you do once the guest is gone.”

“Wait until you knock three times.” He holds up three fingers, showing eddy how long he is to wait. The boy can’t help but grow confused, “why do I have to stay in my room?”

Edwards eyes darken, his hands gently gripping the child’s shoulders. “The people who visit are very mean and bad and could hurt you. I don’t want them to do that to you so it’s best to stay in your room.”

“Are they greedy?” The child asks.

“Yes, greedy and terrible.”

Y/n nods in understanding, even though he is just a child he understands that not all people are kind and that some could be seen as monsters.

“Okay, Eddy.” He hears Edward chuckle before nodding towards the bedroom. “Go do the puzzle, I’ll let you know when you can come out.” He says again as the child rushes off to there room, closing the door behind him. He sets the puzzle box on the bed and heads towards the closet, pulling out another box that was in the closet.

He sets it down on the floor and pops it open, inside were some headphones and an MP3 player. He takes those with him and pushes the box back inside the closet and jumps on the bed. He puts the large headphones on and turns on some classic music that eddy set up for him.

After he is ready to go he begins his jigsaw puzzle, focusing on the different pieces and trying to piece them together, not knowing that his father was in another room torturing his next victim.

—

“Careful.” Edward reaches out quickly to stop the books from falling, causing the child to stumble back in shock as Ed holds him in place, a chuckle slipping from his lips.

The two had gotten some shopping done and Y/n had begged him to buy some books that he found interesting. Edward couldn’t refuse the child and didn’t hesitate to buy him the books that he has been trying to carry on his own. But due to them being too heavy the poor child was stumbling.

“Here.” Edward take two of the books from him, leaving him with the additional two in his small arms. “I had it.” Y/n huffs out, stubborn as usual as he clings into the books. “Stubborn as always.” He reminds himself.

The two walked down the street, passing by a store that was podcasting the news. Y/n is the first to stop in his tracks as he faces the television, taking in the news about the riddler and how he murdered another officer.

He stood there for a solid minute before feeling a small nudge from Edward. “Let’s go.” The boy turns to give the screen one last look before following after Edward. “The riddler likes puzzles, right?”

Ed stutters in his steps and clears his throat. “What makes you think that?”

“Well, he leaves riddles to the Batman. Letting him figure out the clues.” Y/n giggles. “The riddler would love puzzles.” Y/n was still a child, he knew that bad things happened to bad people but was a kid. He still didn’t know that what the riddler was doing is considered a crime. He simply took joy in knowing that the riddler enjoy puzzles too.

Ed hums. “Yes, I suppose he does.” He mumbles out, helping Y/n up the stairs and making sure that he doesn’t fall back with all the weight he carries. Upon arriving he looks down the hallway, not hearing anyone or the sound of neighbors leaving.

“Why don’t we leave two of your books in our other apartment.” Edward suggests.

Y/n tilts his head. “Your work room?” He questions.

“You can leave them inside your hiding spot, remember I only allow you inside when I say so.” Edward takes them down the hall, reaching the last room on the left as he unlocks it and steps inside, his son following after him.

The room was a mess, newspaper everywhere and his desk full of material he was working on. The child ignored the mess and moved around freely as he focused on leaving two of his books in his hiding spot which was technically a closet that he liked hiding in whenever Edward worked he would stay in there, doing his own thing.

Y/n puts his books away and smiles. “All done!” He cheers out, stretching his arms out to show his father that he put his books away. “Good job.” Edward praises him as he tussled his hair, earning a small giggle in return as his attention is drawn away from him by a loud screech.

The child gasps and clings onto edwards leg, looking Over at a covered up crate. He holds onto Ed’s leg with fear, the older man sensing this as he gently placed a hand on his head. “Don’t be scared, it won’t hurt you.” He reassured the kid as he approaches the rattling crate, pulling the cover over to reveal a black bat flying around inside.

Y/n gasps in awe as he slowly steps forward to take a closer look at the bat. “It’s a bat.” He whispers, leaning forward until the bat screeched at him and slams against the cage, startling the boy as he hides against Edward chest, clinging onto him.

Edward wraps his arms around him and lifts him up. “It won’t hurt you.” He repeats, keeping his arm underneath the child’s bottom and using the other to rub soft circles on his back. “Why do you have a bat?” He mumbled against his chest.

“I’m using him to leave a message for a friend.”

“The Batman?”

Y/n knew about edwards cards that were left behind for the Batman, leaving riddles and cyphers for him to read and figure out, leading him on. The child lifts his head off his chest and stares into Ed’s bright blue eyes, giggling he takes his glasses and placed them on himself.

Edward laughs at the boys actions, stepping around the room as he carried the child out of the apartment and back into the hallway. “I can’t see, Y/n.”

“I’ll lead you!” Y/n claps his hands. “Go straight.” He instructs, guiding them back down the hall where there other apartment is located. Edward does as instructed and walks straight.

“Stop!”

Edward froze in spot. “Now turn right!” He hears him say.

Edward turns right to face there apartment door, chuckling he sets Y/n down and takes his glasses back, adjusting them on. “Why don’t I make us something to eat and maybe we can watch a movie or play another puzzle?”

“Food and I want to play chess!” He exclaims. Ed sets him down. “Very well, go get cleaned up while I make us something.” He watches Y/n rush to there room to get changed and cleaned up, making sure to wash his hands and face before changing.

Edward keeps himself busy in the kitchen, cooking up a meal for the two of them as he sets the plates across from each other and takes advantage to set up the chess boards between the two. Giving them the ability to eat and play at the same time.

Once everything is set up he sits across the dining table and sees Y/n walk out of the room, changed into some comfortable clothes and cleaned up as he climbs his own chair and smiles widely. “Let’s play!” He stabs his fork into his food and shoves it into his mouth.

Edward softly chuckles, making his first move on the chess board and eats his own food, taking his time as Y/n hums loudly in thought as he taps his finger against his chin. He makes his own move and dinner goes like that for the next few minutes, back and forth. Y/n doesn’t finish his food due to him being focused on the game. “Your food.” Edward scolds as Y/n whines, sitting back down in his seat as he eats his food.

Ed makes the final move, winning the game as he gives him a victory smile. “I win.”

“Noo!!” Y/n throws his arms up dramatically. “You always win.”

“Soon you’ll learn to win too—come on.” He stands from his seat and collects there dishes. “Put the game away and get ready for bed, I have to finish something up.” He instructs as the small child does as told, putting away the board and pieces. He hops off the chair and runs to the bathroom to brush his teeth and then runs to there bedroom where he throws himself into bed.

He goes under the covers and snuggles up against his pillow while Edward got ready too. He trudged over to the bathroom and sighs to himself, taking his glasses off and setting them down next to the night stand as he gets on his side of the bed.

“No kicking.” Edward warns, remembering the time he woke up with the kids knees digging into his back and his arms spread out over the pillows. He didn’t get much rest that night and was close to sleeping on the couch, but knowing how attached Y/n is he instead endures it and calls it a night.

“Okay.” He hears Y/n yawn out, moving close to Edward and cuddling up his side as the older man wraps his arm around the child, holding him close and caressing his hair. He knew that tonight would be there last night together, tomorrow was a big day and he’d soon have the city cleansed from hatred and darkness.

He looks down to see his son sleeping peacefully, leaning down he kisses his forehead and sighs tiredly before closing his own eyes and falling asleep.

—

“Where are we going?”

“We’re going down to the cafe.”

“Why not take the front door?”

“Because this way is fun.”

Edward helps Y/n out onto the fire escape and down the ladder. “Come on.” He urges, hearing the cops from a distance as he helps Y/n down and picks him up, looking over his shoulder and pulling his hood up he rushes down the street. He keeps a hand over Y/n’s head to block out the rain.

Making it to the diner he sets him down and takes in the empty place, he breaths heavily and bends down to Y/n’s height. “Listen Y/n,” the small child lifts his head up. “I’m going to order us some food, I need you to go wash your hands and if you hear any commotion you stay inside, got it?” He shakes him gently.

Y/n nods. “Will you be okay?”

Ed didn’t know how to answer to him. “We will soon.” He chuckles, nodding towards the bathroom. “Go do as I said.” He gives him a gentle push towards the direction of the bathroom as Y/n looks over his shoulder to give him one last look and heading towards the bathrooms.

Edward can’t help but stare at the entrance of the restroom, he hopes he remains inside where he will be safe of the commotion and chaos. He orders himself a coffee and sits on the stool, sitting in silence as he hears the sound of wet shoes entering the diner and the sound of cocking guns. He remains distracted with the coffee in front of him.

“Hands in the air!”

The booming shouts startles Y/n, looking up to stare at the closed door, his hands fidgeting as he steps closer, hearing the ruckus and shouting. He gently pushes the door open and peeks out to see Edward being held down by the cops and arresting home, the young child’s eyes widen in fear. They were arresting Edward, they were arresting the man who took care of him.

Without think he runs out of the bathroom and runs towards the cops. “No! Let him go! Let him go!” His hands balled up into fists as he kicks and punches at the cops. “The hell?!” He hears shouting as everyone watched him.

Edward turns his head quickly to see Y/n fighting against a cop, he shakes his head in fear and pulls on his restraints. “No, no—No don’t touch him!” He shouts, startling the others as he fights against them, he’s able to break free and stumbled to Y/n. “No! Stop fighting!”

“There gonna take you away! They can’t take you away!” Y/n sobs tears, running down his cheeks as he wraps his little arms around his neck and clings onto him. Refusing to let go, “you have to let go.”

“No! I’m not letting them take you!” He screams out again, glaring at the cops who stared in shock and confusion. “Leave my dad alone!”

“My god, he has a kid.” Said Gordon as he looks over his shoulder to give Batman a worried look, not knowing what to do now that a kid was involved in the case.

Edward groans against the restraints and let’s out a deep sigh through his nose. “My little puzzle,” he whispers softly. “I need you to let go, I promise to come back and I’ll see you again. If you don’t let go they will hurt you.”

Y/n sniffles. “But they’ll hurt you too.”

Edward scoffs, he knows that they won’t hurt him unless they wanted information out of him about the killings and his future plans. “They won’t.” He says again, feeling the child’s grip loosen as he slides his arms down from his neck. He steps back and sniffles, rubbing his eyes with his sleeves. “Promise?”

“I promise.”

Y/n glanced up at the police, watching one of them closely as he is approached once Edward is roughly pulled away from his reach and taken out of the diner. The child whines and looks out the window, feeling the police officer place his hand on his shoulder. He flinches away from his touch and glares.

“Easy.” Gordon holds his hands up. “We won’t hurt you, we just need to take you someplace safe for now.” He explains, allowing the kid to nod.

From outside, Bruce watches the police escort the riddler out of the diner and into the vehicle. He looks back over to Gordon to see him talking to the child and guiding him out of the diner. He tilts his head to the side. A child was never mentioned in the riddles, he never made an appearance but yet somehow, this child was the son of the riddler.

Gordon allows Y/n to sit in a bench as he approaches some of the officers, ordering them in silence to look into the kids background and see what they can find out about him. Batman watches the kid closely, his head down as he continues to cry in silence.

“What do we do with him.” He hears Gordon ask him as Bruce turns back to him and then at the child. “We check the place, see if he was using the kid.” He lets him know, turning his back to Gordon and heading back to the apartment where the police was collecting evidence and checking for anything that could help the case.

The child is brought back to the apartment he takes notice of all the cops raiding his fathers working apartment, he frowns deeply and stands next to Gordon. “Dad won’t like it when his stuff is moved.” He mumbled out, avoiding Gordon’s stare.

“Gordon.” The older man looks Over to see the officer calling out his name, nodding at him and eyeing the kid next to his side. “I found some information.” He whispers, his voice low. Not wanting to attract any attention.

“What did you find.”

“Well, turns out the kid was adopted. He was an orphan who was adopted two years ago. Has been living here for awhile now, kids nearing six years old but don’t know much.” He explains. That didn’t give gordon much, they didn’t know if the kid was tortured or abused by the riddler, they don’t know what happens behind closed doors.

“Poor child, hope they find him a good home and not back at the orphanage.”

Gordon hears faint murmurs behind him, turns out that some of the neighbors were still around, snooping around there business as they whispered amongst themselves. He raises a brow and approaches the small group of older women.

“What do you know about Edward and the child?” He questions, flashing his badge at them as they suddenly grow nervous. They all eye each other nervously before the oldest lady speaks up. “He was strange—very awkward, he never spoke really.”

“The first time he moved in he was a silent man, working quietly and doing his own business.” Another women cuts in.

“Until he adopted Y/n.” The same older women adds, crossing his arms over her chest. “I thought the kid was getting hurt just being around him but—“ she sighs in defeat. “The damn kid always lightened up the place, witnessed the two come back from shopping and talking to each other. Ed—Ed was a silent man but with the kid around he spoke a bit more, became protective of him. He would never hurt that boy.”

Gordon process the information, not knowing what to do. “Thank you.” He says softly as he turns back to the others and shakes his head. He didn’t know what to believe, he didn’t know if the child was actually safe or not around the riddler.

“Hey.” The officer in front of him approached him. “Bats wants to take the kid with him to Arkham, riddler asked to speak with them two.” He lets him know, upon hearing that. The child behind him ran past them, ducking around police and into his fathers working area as he sees a man dressed in black. He froze in spot as Batman stared down at him.

“I—“ he stuttered out.

Bruce bends down to the kid. “You wanted to see your father.” He says in a soft tone, letting the kid know that he wasn’t going to hurt him. Y/n slowly nods. “Will you take me to him?” He questions.

Bruce gives a silent nod and offers his hand to the child as Y/n slowly takes it.

—

Batman had taken Y/n with him to Arkham, carrying the child with him as he makes his way done hallways and towards a room that separated both him and the riddler. Upon arriving he sets the child down on top of a chair as the screen began to lift, revealing the riddler in orange stripped clothing and chained up.

Once Y/n sees Edward he gasps, jumping forward as his tiny hands bang against the glass. “Eddy!” He calls out. His lips breaking out into a big smile once he sees him again.

Edward quickly stands from his seat, jumping forward as he glanced over to Batman, glaring at him. “Why did you bring him here?” He whispers.

Bruce watches the two. “Why did you take him in?” He questions back.

Edward looks away, focusing his attention on Y/n. He watched his son tap his fingers against the glass, ignoring the conversation between the two as Ed began to explain. “I saw myself in him when I stepped into that orphanage, he was alone. When I stepped up to speak with him he felt safe and comfortable—do you know what they did?” He hissed out. “They would beat the children if not following as instructed, starve them and lock them in rooms! I wouldn’t allow that to happen so I took him out of there!” He bangs his fist on the table in front of him.

Y/n whines. “Eddy, I want to home. I want to play chess again and puzzles. I miss our home.” He says, his eyes going big in worry and watery, close to breaking down again.

Edward shakes his head, pressing it up against the glass as he sighs deeply. “I’ll figure something out.” He lets him know, he had to get out of her if he is to return back to his son. “I promised, remember?”

Y/n sniffles, pressing his own forehead against the glass too as the two stay like that in silence before he is gently pulled away. He gasps and looks up to see Batman pulling him away. “I’m sorry.” He says, nodding to the officer behind him as the strange man takes Y/n. “No—let me go! I want to stay here! I want to stay!” He kicks and screams as the officer drags him out, the halls filled with begging cries.

Edward breaths heavily. “Where are you taking him.”

“The police will place him in a foster care system, if another family doesn’t adopt him he’ll—“ Bruce looks away. “He could be sent back to the orphanage.”

“No!” Edward slams his fist against the glass, anger filming his eyes as he glared at the Batman. “You dare take him back there and I’ll destroy all of Gotham. Burning it to the ground! He is mine and I will get him back, he belongs with me and will soon get him back!” He shouts and continues to bang against the glass and around the room.

“Your delusional.” Bruce says, watching Edward pace around the room. His eyes following his every movement. “I’m sorry.” He adds quietly, knowing that there was nothing he could do to help. The riddler is to stay in Arkham and the riddlers son is to be separated.

To stay far away.

#male reader #edward nashton #Edward nashton x male reader #the riddler x male reader #the riddler #dc #dc x male reader #child reader #Batman #the Batman 2022

608 notes · View notes

psshaw · 2 years ago

Text

Got some interesting anons while I was hiking on vaycay. I've been thinking about how to answer these for awhile.

Content warn for detransitioner coping. Also me rambling at varying levels of tact. Obvs I'd appreciate any trans or detrans people who have something to correct or add to help this person.

Hi. So. 2 things you’re doing here that I think both cis and trans people mess up at all the time, especially when they're stressed.

One: Listening to other people more than yourself. Two: Looking for other things to blame in a way that stops you from learning from your own choices.

I think I understand some of what you experienced, but the conclusions you’re drawing feel distorted and self-serving. It feels like you jumped from one prescriptive view (girls have to be boys in order to like certain things or talk to certain people) to another prescriptive view (masculinity is something you have to earn and perform in a certain way).

Anyone who critiques what you do or how you present yourself for not fitting a certain term has more in common with a 50s martini dad than they do with a walk-the-walk humanitarian. Personally, I am not interested in defining masculinity (or femininity, which I notice you didn’t claim to also have prereqs for)— I know some soft-ass bitch men who are still men. Standards for gender are arbitrary location- and time-specific rules. They’re also weapons we use to fuck with each other. Imo calling someone un-[gender] is kinda like telling a western teen with an ED that they’re not skinny enough: it's not helping anyone's health or peace of mind. The only point is to feel superior somehow.

I don’t see a point in setting hurdles for gender expression when I can instead worry about demanding unisex reasonable and rational interpersonal behavior.

(I also just find gender extremely boring. I was not raised to care much about who's doing what as what. Gender should matter in sociology, pronouns, fucking, and... that's probably it. Focusing on whether someone is performing something correctly or whether you should buy an enamel pin that says "spacegender" on it are both addictive navel-gazing activities that could be replaced with more demonstrative self-actualizing like making art, joining a hobby/activism community, or reading something you normally wouldn't.)

I don’t think I need to tell you that taking hormones in order to make friends is a very strange thing to do, no matter how young or lonely you are. I think you should check in with yourself ASAP to figure out why you sought out voluntary medical assistance to impress other people. (People who you assumed would only talk to you if you were trans…? So, possibly bad people.) This would never have occurred to me. (I am scared of needles.) This sounds like a tendency that will kick your ass more than just this once.

The nice thing about people is that you can walk away from one and find a better fit. If you're a weird chick, I hope you take pride in being a weird chick. I hope you make yourself hard to replace or replicate. I hope you learn to love unnerving or impressing people as you flip through them looking for the ones who "get" your wavelength. I would personally rather have no friends than to try to please someone who doesn't like who I actually am. That sounds exhausting.

If someone actually told you you can't use "she" pronouns while taking T, that person's a dorky little snot. "Uhhh, the Gender Bible says this is a violation of the Gender Commandments... I'm telling Gender God"— big deal. Gender Spankings and Gender Hell only exist if you believe in them. Fuck the system.

But yeah— you tried something, it was a mistake, and now you have to navigate life with it, like an impulse tattoo or juvenile leg-lengthening surgery. You are not a “mutant”, you just slid around the human secondary sex characteristics scale. My condolences on the beard and stuff. I think the best you can do now is to find a way to embrace it and let it make you an extra quirky gal. You have a dark past now! That means experience! You can use this flub to make yourself into a cooler, smarter person that future kids can admire and learn from, not someone obnoxiously bitter who they won’t even wanna talk to.

The way you describe your experiences/projections, I assume you were born after 9/11. The millennial trans people I talk to don’t talk about gender the way you’re describing. They grew up in the “no homo” and “I’m not like other girls” era, and I think it made most of them pretty "none of my business" about how people present overall. They just wanna be able to go out and be respected and loved.

I’ve noticed that Zoomers have perfected identity-based consumerism and putting yourselves(?) in boxes. I have traced a vague progression: GNC/queer people existing forever while being maligned -> “no homo” shit -> Tumblr wave feminism -> greater LGBT acceptance leading to freer expression (but still mainly via buying clothes and makeup) -> more people realizing you can fuck with gender and see if it solves your problems -> genderfuckery becoming a half-joking recommendation (I've experienced this directly) -> half-joking rehashes of gender essentialism without realizing it -> The Present, where I’m watching the early 20-somethings I know fret every few months about what gender/sexuality/mental health labels they should use, as if there’s going to be a quiz at the gates of Heaven.

Obviously I don’t get that last half. Part of that is because I’m cishet, and I’ve checked in with myself enough to know that there’s no other label that will solve any of my problems. I know that every time I acknowledge an autism semi-diagnosis, it makes me content with my flaws instead of trying to fix them. I would much rather be on thin ice and have to be alert to how my actions affect others than to be implicitly accepted because I called myself something. Again, what in you craves that kind of effortless belonging, even at the cost of your sincerest wants? Do you crave unconditional love, or would you prefer deep understanding? What can you feed to that need instead?

I'm friends with trans people because we share the same hobbies and worldviews. My friends do not seem to care that I'm cis as long as I'm respectful. I like that I can fuck with gender stuff around them and they won't judge. If someone jokes that I'm wrong about my own identity, I do get kinda embarrassed for them, but I also choose to take it as a compliment that they see themselves in me. Nobody can control what I do. I love being a good example and reminding people of all groups not to assume!

I also don't list identity stuff in my bios, so everyone has to give me a chance and guess based on how I act. Then... they find out they like me. >:)

Anyway. I hope you feel better! I hope you make some friends who aren't freaky-obsessed with gender, "critical" or not. I wouldn't mind hearing more from you, but also: I will not debate the validity of transness with you, because I think there are way more important things people do that we need to whine about. Also it puts me in a weird position cos I don't like to yell at anons.

84 notes · View notes

tiptapricot · 2 years ago

Note

thoughts on the mk boys and their tastes in foods? cuisines, fav snacks, how they might bicker about things, whatever u feel <3

I love talking ab food preferences hehehhehe this kinda ended up being a look at their relationships with food in general as well which was actually rlly fun to explore! (Obvs food talk, as well as talk of the system’s childhood, food sensory issues, and specifically issues with eating due to neurodivergence, not any ED stuff, but still, if any of those r squicks for you 🤙)

Marc

I think Marc’s the most rigid when it comes to his foods. He’s not adverse to trying new things, he just keeps his circles small and knows what he likes

Bar a few specific cases, I don’t think he’s much of a mushy/goopy food person, or a sweet tooth

Soup’s fine (he loves bean soups and soups with meat bc they’re hearty), some puddings, some dips (like hummus and guacamole), but he’s not a huge fan of tomato products in tomato form (pizza is fine, bruschetta wouldn’t be) or things that feel slimy (like pasta with Alfredo sauce, or uncooked beans in sauce)

Some exceptions include Chicago deep dish, star fruit, salsa, and pickled veggies

I think he generally likes crunchy things like chips, carrots, apples, crackers, and more neutral baked goods like breads and bagels. He’s absolutely a bagel with cream cheese on the go kind of guy, nostalgic and tasty (though for his preference the ones in Chicago beat out New York and London any day)

He doesn’t mind sweet stuff, it’s just not his favorite. He’ll have a danish every now and then, maybe a brownie, but it’s just not stuff he actively seeks out

I think he still tries to keep roughly kosher, out of familiarity and comfort and connection, but I could also see him only adhering to certain rules (like no pork but good w cheeseburgers), or it slipping if he’s in deep emotional distress or especially bitter at his parents, but he does try

I think he knows how to cook pretty decently, maybe not top of the line but he can absolutely make a meal, and usually tries to make stuff from scratch to avoid shopping too much. He’s not a huge fan of crowded stores or having to make lists and plan meals, so sticking to basics and stuff he knows, stuff he can make again and again and have as leftovers later, is usually how he likes to do things

He tries to recreate family comfort foods he remembers from his childhood sometimes (like hamantaschen with guava filling, local deli potato salads, their Passover tamales), kind of as a coping mechanism, and it’s never quite the same, but every time he gets a bit closer to whatever dish he’s attempting, it feels more worth it to keep trying

Overall he likes stuff that’s hearty, stuff that he can eat that will last him most of the day. It’s the kind of food he relied on in the military, and when he needed to spend as much time out of the house as possible when he was younger, and it works nowadays to keep the body fed and healthy when dealing with executive dysfunction and memory issues

Having stuff that can hold him over and that he doesn’t have to worry about too much creates a reliable structure he can depend on, familiarity in chaos, and so that’s what a lot of his food choices circle back to

It’s another grounding mechanism for him, another piece of the puzzle and routine

Steven (I will b using American n British terms interchangeably just ignore it)

Steven’s pretty British and snacky with his food, and obviously he’s vegan and keeps kosher, but beyond that he’s not too picky, and isn’t the best when it comes to taking care of the body with food

He likes sweets and fruits and chips, stuff like blueberries and nuts that he can eat absentmindedly while he reads, or that he can stuff in a ziploc and take to work

Crisp sandwiches and beans on toast are big too, and he uses vegan butter and cheese to make them, usually for breakfast or after work, and those are both comfort meals for him, ones that are quick and easy and don’t take much effort

He gets vegan sausage rolls from the store or makes them himself if the premade brands aren’t certified, and he likes those for breakfasts on days off when he can have a bit more of a lazy day in, make some tea, put on a long documentary, hang back with a bigger breakfast, that kind if thing. He makes Yorkshire puddings and hash browns for those kind of days if he has the energy

Yorkshire puddings are also a general favorite of his, and he usually leans into having them more for dessert, with big scoops of vegan ice cream after he’s had a bad day (his favorite flavor is vanilla but he experiments with weird flavors a lot)

Cereal’s a big one too, usually with almond milk and he oscillates between liking sweetened or unsweetened kinds more

I think the spiciest thing he eats semi regularly would be stuff like jalapeño potato chips or slightly spicy veggie dips, he’d probably consider brown sauce kind of spicy, and I think his tolerance is low

Steven also absolutely falls into the neurodivergent trap of food being in the background, something that easily slips his mind, or when it doesn’t, ends up at the mercy of convenience

None of his foods are bad on their own, but the issues arise when all he’s eaten in a day is two pieces of beans on toast and it’s already bedtime, or when he gets so engrossed in reading he doesn’t get up for six hours and suddenly feels lightheaded

He tries his best, he just never thinks about it much and usually falls into things that are quick when he does, which can easily lead to him eating sandwiches and almonds for a whole week

He also has some sensory issues that can muddle things, like a usual go to food being fine one moment and disagreeable to his mouth the next, and if he can’t find anything to eat it’s easy for him to just shrug it off and forget

Reminders started popping up on his phone at some point (totally not from Marc) to check in and make sure he’s gotten some food in him, and those have helped loads, but it’s still not perfect

Post Cairo Marc helps more, checking in with Steven when the body feels funky and usually having the spoons to cook between the two of them, so they end up having stuff available to grab in the fridge when they need. Marc even tries to label the stuff that’s non-vegan as well as which things have meat and which have dairy, and even when their fridge gets cluttered and extremely disorganized the care in it always makes Steven smile

Jake

Jake’s a big proponent of good food

His time in front over the years has been short enough that he always tries to make eating worth it, so he’ll seek out a good solid meal whenever he can

I think he spent a lot of time perusing Chicago and New York’s hole in the wall shops or food trucks, and has a pretty wide taste because of that

He doesn’t really keep kosher? Like sometimes he’ll lean into it if it suits the situation, or pisses Khonshu off, or it feels… right to him, but his relationship with shit is complicated and he fluctuates a lot, and it’s definitely not the defining thing that dictates his food choices

He likes pizza (New York style) and hotdogs (Colombian style, Chicago style, or ones all decked out like wrapped in bacon with carmelized onions, jalepeños, tomatoes, mayo, etc), and is also partial to wet beef sandwiches

Lots of Latino comfort food as well, like chicken pepián, Cuban coffee with sweet bread, Guatemalan empanadas, tacos al pastor, pupusas, etc.

He’s hates eating warm food cold, so whenever he eats Steven or Marc’s leftovers he always has to warm them up, otherwise it hits bad in his brain. He doesn’t have many sensory issues with food beyond that though

He was recommended to Gena’s by some acquaintances in London after hanging around a few bars and clubs with a high Latino community, and her food is the first stuff that really hits for him there. It’s not like it’s the only good food he’s tried in London, but something about Gena’s just clicks and becomes comforting

He also has a pretty strong sweet tooth, and will especially seek out sugar for comfort. He loves tres leches and while he’s also a straight black coffee enjoyer, Gena’s tintos always hit just right. He’s also always down for a classic slice of apple pie a la mode

Even though my take on Gena has her specializing in Colombian food, she makes Jake some of his favorite dishes once they get to know each other better, hoping to bring some of that comfort to the new area. She surprises him with her own take on rellenitos during one particular visit, and he ends up bringing a small take away container of them back to Steven’s apartment because he couldn’t make himself eat them all, and he didn’t want to waste them

He may not have any solid memories of Wendy outside of stepping in to get yelled at when the others couldn’t take it, and he sure as hell doesn’t have any fondness for Elias, but for some reason he can remember how that kitchen smelled, and the sound of the frying pan, and wrapped up leftovers in the fridge, and it’s still important to him and part of him

He scrawls some little note on the top of the take out container with a little “From Mum” to tie it off, and that ends up being enough for Steven not to question where the rellenitos came from when he finds them in his fridge. And he’s so excited!

Jake’s not even mad when he eats the rest of them before he can front next, he’s just glad he got to share a little bit of something that Steven enjoyed :-)

All together

I’ve already talked a lil ab Steven and Marc post Cairo, but I think once all three of them are on functional speaking terms and are cohabiting more, food is very chaotic!

They have to talk about boundaries and figure out what counts when it comes to who’s fronting and each other’s dietary restrictions

Some of the foods Jake likes are too spicy for Steven and some of Steven’s foods make Marc squirm, it’s complicated

Overall though there’s a lot of sharing and talking and bickering, fighting to see who makes dinner or frustration that someone else got to front and eat the last of something tasty, but they make it work

Feel free to add on your own hcs or additions! Or any corrections if something here sticks out as very obviously inaccurate (truly no worries!). Most of the stuff here is from research and friends, so tysm to @scarabgrant n @steverogers-against-disney n others for the food talks we’ve had that helped contribute to this :-)

And a general reminder as well: Stand up, stretch, and rmr to drink water and eat something if you haven’t in awhile! Have a lovely dayyy💖💖🤙

#glad I finished this right before going to get dinner lmaO #tw food #moon knight #marc spector #steven grant #jake lockley #gena landers #moon knight 2022 #the fruit is talking again #mikes mk meta #the fruit is answering again

77 notes · View notes

nightcolorz · 2 years ago

Text

Silly ofmd au idea

Our Flag Means Death modern au except all the characters are just very creative neurodivergent kids with pirate fixations acting out complex storylines on the playground:

-Stede is a sheltered rich kid who gets to play the captain and make the rules cause he made his very own cardboard pirate ship that everyone wants to play with. He doesn’t like roughhousing so his “crew” is usually bored. Stede wants to do sweet and innocent treasure hunt role plays while his friends want to scream and hit each other with sticks, pretty much. His crew are always on the fence about kicking him out of the game because they don’t like playing with him but they know that if Stede isn’t around they won’t get to use his pirate ship.

-Ed isn’t popular at all in school but he has leverage among the weird pirate kids cause he's *very* well versed in historical pirate facts. He made his own beard out of paper and he tapes it on his face to be Blackbeard. A lot of the kids he plays with don’t care about pirates nearly as much as he does so playings becoming stultify for him. He wants to make storylines based around real pirate stuff but his friends just want to run around and roughhouse. For this reason Stede’s crew catches his eye.

-Izzy is the kid on the playground who’s constantly trying to boss around the other kids and control the game. He yells “pause” every five seconds if you know what I mean. He’s also very knowledgeable on pirates and he’s always gatekeeping other kids from playing with them if they’re not “pirate-y enough”. None of the other pirate kids like him because he makes playing seem like a chore, but Ed remains his friend cause Izzy was the first kid he ever played pirates with and it wouldn’t be the same without him.

-Spanish Jackie is an older kid (think middle school) who still likes to play pirates despite being around 3 years the other kid’s senior. She’s popular in both school and on the playground, and she comes up with very cool storylines that make everyone want to play with her. Basically, if you’re an 8yr old pirate nerd who wants to play with Jackie be prepared for a ton of heartbreak and betrayal. She is a bit cut off from the other kid’s storylines since she’s older and doesn’t share recess with the others, so she only ever plays with them on weekends and during the summer at the park. Her “husbands” are a collection of boys who started out fighting over who got to be Jackie’s first mate and eventually compromised by deciding they’d share the role.

-Jim is a standout among the younger kids because they get VERY intense about their role playing, making them a favorite playmate of Spanish Jackie. A lot of the other kids are confused about Jim’s gender at first because the character they play is a boy but they’re actually a “girl”. Jim eventually explains that they want everyone to treat them irl the way they do when they’re playing a boy in the game, which clears things up. Jim kind of sticks out like a sore thumb in Stede’s crew because their plot lines are very complex compared to the rest of the crews.

-Lucius doesn’t care about pirates at all, he’s more of the “reading alone during recess” type. The only reason he plays with the pirate kids is because Stede asked him if he wanted to play with them when he saw him sitting alone and he felt like it would’ve been really rude to decline. Lucius told Stede that he doesn’t like playing make-believe games so Stede said he could write down the plots of their games from the sidelines in his sketchbook instead of playing a character. Eventually Lucius gets roped into the plot when he becomes friends with the other kids so Stede labels him as “ship scribe”

-Oluwande also isn’t very invested in the whole pirate thing, but he’s best friends with Jim and therefore wants to play with them at recess everyday. He starts out not caring that much and just following whatever Jim says but by the end of it he ends up one of the most immersed players.

-“The Dread Black” Pete doesn’t know a thing about real life pirates but he’s been obsessed with Pirates of the Caribbean ever since he was like five so he’s very passionate and intense about the story aspects of the game. He has a ton of lore centered around his character, he goes around telling people that he was “Blackbeard’s second command” because he dramatically “saved his life”. Embarrassingly, Ed and Pete have never actually played together, so once Ed joins Stede and his crew it’s difficult for him to keep that part of his character alive.

-Buttons loves playing make-believe but he doesn’t take the storylines very seriously. He’s always making his character do weird unrealistic things like talk to seagulls and hex people. Most of the other kids like keeping the plots pretty realistic so Buttons is constantly universe breaking with the inclusion of magic. The others undo this damage by just pretending his character is crazy and his magic is ineffectual. Buttons doesn’t seem to mind this dismissiveness by his playmates-as long as he has his comfort stuffed seagull Karl with him he’s pretty much chill with anything.

Ok so if anybody finds this idea fun or interesting I have a good idea of how everything would play out in this au, so if this post gets any traction I’ll make a post talking about how Ofmd’s plot would translate to what I’m calling the “playground au” lol. That would include me writing about how Calico Jack and The Badminton’s would fit into all this (and gentlebeard, which I think would just be some innocent crush stuff), anyways be prepared for a part two! I was laughing sm coming up with this idea with my sis

#our flag means death #ofmd #edward teach #stede bonnet #izzy hands #spanish jackie #jim jimenez #lucius spriggs #ofmd oluwande #black pete #nathanial buttons

42 notes · View notes

holdingonforheaven · 3 years ago

Text

Red Sky at Morning

Relationships: Primarily family, especially Hunter & Omega and Reader & Omega. Background Reader/Echo

Word Count: 7k

Rating: G

Summary: Omega gets her first period, and her five dads get a sex ed lesson. Fortunately, they have you to get them through both.

Warnings: Discussion of sex

A/N: Hi! This is my first foray into Star Wars fan fiction, so please be kind. This idea took root in my brain and would not let go until I'd written it into existence. It's set in some alternate future where Crosshair doesn't leave the team and also sleeps in the hammock because the triple amputee deserves to have a real bed.

You squirmed uncomfortably in your chair as you watched the seconds tick by on your chrono. There were only ten more minutes to watch change, and although you weren’t aware of any hard and fast rules about staying in the cockpit on watch, you still felt weird about taking care of personal matters when you were supposed to be working. And this matter was about as personal as it could get. In the last ten minutes of your shift, your period had started.

You’d known it was coming, and you’d prepared as best you could before relieving Echo, but sitting here, beneath the pulsing blue of hyperspace, you’d felt it--that slow drop of certainty that settled into your bones. It was not helped by a bubbling sensation in your underwear. Your menstrual cup must not have sealed correctly, and you could feel it leaking. You were sure that on some level, if the boys understood what was going on, they wouldn’t begrudge you a quick trip to the refresher. But it was only ten minutes, you reasoned. And what if something bad happened in that time? You couldn’t bear to think of any ill befalling your team while you were supposed to be protecting them.

So you stayed put, trying not to move too much, and when you heard Wrecker shuffling into the cockpit, you heaved a sigh of relief.

“Hey, burc’ya ,” he yawned, rubbing his eyes as he tried to wake up. “Anything happen?”

You shook your head. “Nope. All good. We’re still on course for…” you trailed off, trying to remember where Hunter had decided to hide out. The name of the planet was escaping you. “I don’t know. Wherever Tech set as our destination.”

Wrecker chuckled, plopping into the pilot’s seat next to you. “Alright. Get to bed, sleepy head.”

“Thanks, Wrecker. Goodnight.”

You closed the cockpit doors behind you and then booked it to the fresher. As you’d suspected, your cup had leaked a little, but this was why you wore a backup pad. Honestly, it wasn’t even that bad, just a small smudge of red, and not enough to justify changing the pad completely. You removed, rinsed, and reinserted your cup, giving it two full turns and making sure it was sealed correctly this time. You didn’t want any more leaks while you were in bed. You debated taking a muscle relaxer, but you weren’t cramping yet; better to save it for when you actually needed it.

You washed and dried your hands, luxuriating for a moment in the warm water and vanilla scented soap, before exiting the fresher and making your way to the racks. The door slid open softly, and you fumbled around in the dark, trying to be as quiet as possible as you changed into your pajamas. Hunter shifted in his bunk and you froze, hoping you hadn’t woken him. When he stilled, you finished pulling on your pajama pants and crawled into bed with Echo.

He woke up slightly as you slid under the covers and shifted over to make room for you. “Good watch?” he mumbled.

“As good as can be expected,” you replied, snuggling up and placing a kiss on his jaw. You wrapped your arms around him, pulling him close.

“That’s good.” He ran his hand down your back, feeling the tension in your muscles. “You okay?” he asked, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

You nodded. “Yeah. Just my period.”

He pouted, his hand stopping to massage your lower back. “I’m sorry, cyare . Do you need anything?”

“Just some sleep, I think.”

He nodded and continued rubbing slow circles into your muscles. Your eyes fluttered shut, and you drifted off to sleep.

--------------------------------------------

You woke a few hours later to someone shaking your shoulder and frantically whispering your name. The cramping had started; you regretted not taking that painkiller earlier. You cracked your eyes open as the shaking continued and you rolled over to face the room, squinting against the darkness to see Hunter, looking very worried as he crouched beside your bed, and Tech behind him, yawning and holding a med scanner. You checked the chrono on your wrist. It was still the middle of the night.

“What’s going on?” you whispered.

“Are you alright?” Hunter asked.

“Of course I’m alright,” you griped. Did he really wake you just to ask that? “Why did you wake me up?”

Hesitation flickered across Hunter’s face. “I smelled blood when I got up for my watch,” he admitted. “Did you hurt yourself before going to bed? I wanted Tech to take a look at it so the wound doesn’t get infected.”

You rolled your eyes and groaned, shoving your face into the pillow. “No, I’m not injured,” you assured him. “I’m sorry about the smell, but I promise I’m fine.”

Tech and Hunter glanced at each other.

“If you’re not injured, then what is wrong?” Tech asked.

You lifted your head from the pillow to study him. Their training on Kamino almost certainly didn’t include sex education, or any information about human reproduction outside of a cloning labratory. The boys probably barely understood their own anatomy. If they knew anything about the female half, it was only what they’d picked up in a holoporn or a stranger’s bedroom.

In a way, you pitied them. And you worried for Omega--what would happen to her when her time came if her parents didn’t even understand what was going on?

“If I tell you tomorrow morning, will you let me go back to sleep?” You asked. “I promise you don’t need to worry about me. I’m fine.”

Hunter looked dubious, but Tech nodded and switched off the scanner, happy to go back to sleep for a few hours.

“If you really want to be helpful, you could get me a muscle relaxer or a hot water bottle,” you said to Hunter as Tech climbed back into his bunk.

“So you are in pain.”

“I never said I wasn’t. But I’m not injured.”

You could see him trying to reason out how that was possible, and you wiggled an arm free from your blankets to clasp his hand. You squeezed his fingers as he met your gaze in the dark.

“Sweet boy,” you murmured. “I know you’re worried, but I promise you, it’s wasted energy. I am okay. And I will explain everything in the morning. Alright?”

At last, he relented, squeezing your hand with a sigh. “Alright.” He dropped your hand as he stood. “I’ll get you that muscle relaxer.”

Hunter disappeared, and you felt Echo stirring beside you. He rolled over and pulled you closer, face nuzzling into your hair and his hand kneading the cramps in your abdomen. You sighed in relief as the pain momentarily eased.

“Everything okay?” he whispered, sleepy.

“Yeah,” you said. “I guess Tech and Hunter have never heard of periods before. They had a lot of questions.”

Echo huffed, amused. “What did you tell them?”

“To wait until morning.”

Hunter returned with two pills and a glass of water, and you murmured your thanks as you sat up to take them. He watched you, and took the glass back when you’d finished.

“Are you sure you’ll be alright?” He whispered.

You nodded. “I swear on the Force. I’m fine.”

“Alright, then.”

You lay back down in Echo’s warm embrace. “Have a good watch,” you whispered as Hunter left the room.

He paused in the doorway. “Thanks. Sleep tight.”

--------------------------------------------

The next morning, you woke to find Hunter staring at you from his bunk.

“Good, you’re up,” he said when you locked eyes with him. “Time for an explanation.” You pulled the blanket over your head to block his gaze.

“Kriff, Hunter,” Echo said. “Let her open her eyes and have some caff first.”

You massaged your aching abdomen. You’d need another painkiller soon. “Did you even sleep last night, Sarge?” you asked.

“Not really.”

You glanced at him as you sat up, pulling your knees to your chest to let Echo out of the bunk. “What, did you just watch me the whole night?”

Hunter nodded, arms crossing over his chest. “Pretty much. That’s what a leader does when one of his squad is injured.”

“I told you, I’m not hurt.”

At the back of the room, Crosshair rolled over in his hammock. “Why is there this much chatter this early in the morning?” He hissed. “Can’t you all go somewhere else if you want to talk?”

You looked from Hunter to Crosshair. “Actually, you should probably wake up for this,” you told him. They likely all needed a sex ed lesson, and Force only knew which one of them Omega would confide in when it was her first time. Your credits were on Hunter, but if he weren’t available, it could be any one of them, and they all needed to be ready. “It’s time for school.”

Confusion creased Hunter’s tattooed face. “School?”

You nodded as you stood, disentangling yourself from the blankets. “Yep. I think all of you need to learn this. I’m going to the fresher.” You waved to the bunk below Hunter as you made your way to the door. “Someone wake Wrecker. And get Tech from the cockpit.”

After using the fresher, you peeked into the gunner’s nest to make sure Omega was still asleep. Her steady breathing and peaceful face reassured you, and if your memory was right, you figured you had maybe half an hour before she woke up. When you returned to the racks, all five clones were awake and gathered. Crosshair had moved to Hunter’s bunk, slumped back against the wall, and looking very annoyed at having to be awake. Tech and Hunter were sitting on Wrecker’s bunk, and Wrecker was wrapped in his blanket on the floor below them. Echo was seated across from them on your shared rack, using his good hand to balance two mugs of caff on his knees. You closed the door and took a mug from Echo as you sat down next to him.

Wrecker looked from the closed door to the crowded room. “What’s going on?” He glanced at you and Echo. “Are you two gonna tell us something?”

You smiled and shook your head. “No, nothing like that, Wrecker. Last night, Hunter woke me because he smelled blood and thought I was injured.” Wrecker and Crosshair surged forward, looking concerned, and you held up a hand. “I am not injured, and I have promised to explain it. I think all of you should be here because you can all learn something. For Omega’s sake, you’ll need to.”

A worried line appeared between Hunter’s brows at the mention of his ad . “Omega? What does she have to do with this?”

“I’ll get there,” you promised. You sipped your caff. “It might take a while, but I will explain everything. Just trust me on that, okay?”

They nodded, and you continued.

“Great! In that case, let’s start with what you know. What can you boys tell me about your dicks?”

Beside you, Echo snorted into his mug. Hunter looked scandalized, eyes wide in shock, while Wrecker shifted uncomfortably.

Crosshair smirked, sensing an opportunity to provoke. “Mine is bigger than Echo’s.”

Echo rolled his eyes. “We’re clones, Crosshair. We’re all the same.”

“Maybe regs are,” Crosshair scoffed. “I’m enhanced , remember?”

“Given the Kaminoans’ obvious preference for non-sexual reproduction,” you interjected, “I highly doubt that they made any modifications to your penises. And that is not what I wanted to know, Crosshair. Minus ten points.”

Tech sat up straighter on the bunk. “What do you want to know?” He asked.

You shrugged. “Whatever foundational information you already have. What do you use it for?”

An uneasy silence fell over the room as the boys stared at you and tried not to make eye contact with each other. Stars, you hadn’t meant to make them feel this uncomfortable. Eventually, with a blush creeping up his face and his eyes fixed on what must have been the most fascinating spot on the floor, Wrecker spoke up.

“Uh, peeing?”

You nodded, smiling encouragingly. “Yes, thank you, Wrecker. Plus ten points.” You swept your gaze over the other three. You knew they knew this. “What else?”

“Wait, hang on,” Crosshair interrupted. “Why did he get ten points and I lost ten?”

You were just kidding around with the points system, trying to bring some levity to what was clearly a difficult topic for the boys, but maybe you could use it to your advantage. “Because you were being rude and unsportsmanlike,” you explained. “Do you want to win them back?”

“Yes.”

“Then answer the question. You’ve already alluded to it.”

He heaved a sigh. “Fine. We use them for sex.”

“Thank you,” you said. “You’re now out of the negatives and back at zero.” You sipped your caff while you tried to determine where to go next. “And what happens...after you’ve had sex? How do you know you’ve finished?”

Hunter’s face was flame red beneath his tattoo. “How is any of this relevant?”

Your heart squeezed with pity, and you frowned sadly at him. “I told you, we have to start with what you’ll understand. I know it’s not the most comfortable topic of conversation, but this is the path we have to take to answer your question. You insisted I tell you.” You huffed. “And we would get there faster if you all would just answer my questions.”

At that, Tech’s hand shot up.

“Yes, Tech?”

“At the moment of climax, the penis releases semen, which is a fluid made of plasma and haploid sperm cells that contain segments of our DNA. If having sex with a human or near-human woman, those cells enter into the female partner and are capable of impregnating her.” He smiled at you. “How many points is that worth?”

You smiled back. “Two hundred, you overachiever.”

“Hey!” Wrecker and Crosshair shouted. You laughed at their protests before relenting with a wave of your hand.

“Alright, alright. Fifty points to Tech. Is he within catching distance now?”

Tech grumbled at the reduction in his points, but before another fight could break out, Hunter spoke up. You almost didn’t hear him--his voice was so soft and uncertain.

“What’s impregnating?” He glanced from Tech to you. “What does that mean?”

You smiled at him. “Great question, Sarge. Ten points. Impregnating means--"

“Why does he get points for asking a question and not answering one?” Wrecker interrupted.

This was getting out of hand. “Because it’s a good question. If you and Crosshair want to listen and ask good questions, you might earn more points, too. But if they’re just going to be a distraction, I’ll take away everyone’s points.”

“Can I exchange my points for credits?” Crosshair asked.

You shot him a glare before turning back to Hunter. “As Tech mentioned, male orgasm releases haploid cells known as sperm. Those cells travel through the female reproductive tract and fertilize the female haploid cell. When combined, they create a diploid cell that contains enough genetic material to create an entirely new human.”

Crosshair’s hand shot up. “What does haploid mean? And diploid?”

Tech cut in before you could answer. “DNA is stored in units called chromosomes, and the chromosomes are grouped into pairs. Humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes, or 46 total. A diploid cell is a cell with all 46. A haploid cell contains only 23 chromosomes, and joins with the haploid cell of a sexual partner for the purpose of reproduction.”

You nodded. “Does that make sense Crosshair?”

He shrugged. “I guess.”

You studied each of their faces in turn, hoping the explanation hadn’t been too scientific. “At its most basic level, it’s how babies are made. The ‘natural’ part of natborn.”

You stopped there, watching as it sunk in.

“So…” Hunter began. “Having sex makes babies?”

“Yes.”

The look in his eyes was bordering on panic. “Every time?”

You shook your head. “No, not every time. If you have sex with a male partner, he can’t get pregnant. And if you use some form of birth control, or if your female partner has an implant, you significantly reduce the chance of impregnating her.”

The boys collectively relaxed, and you studied them. “Did any of you know that having sex made babies?” You asked as gently as you could.

Echo and Tech each raised their hands. Hunter stared from one to the other, mouth hanging open in shock.

“You knew and didn’t say anything?” He asked.

“I thought it was obvious,” Tech mumbled, looking as chagrined as was possible for him.

Echo nodded in agreement. “I didn’t know you didn’t know.”

“It’s okay, Hunter,” you assured him, leaning forward and offering your hand. He took it slowly, staring into your eyes. “This information wasn’t relevant to your training as a cadet, so I’m not surprised you didn’t know. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, okay?”

He nodded.

You squeezed his hand and released it as you sat back. “Tech, for ten points, can you please tell me where in the body sperm is made?”

“The testes.”

Wrecker held up a hand. “The what?”

“Your balls, Wrecker,” Tech explained.

“Well why didn’t you just say that?” Wrecker mumbled, putting his hand down and pulling the blanket tighter around him.

“Thank you, Tech. Wrecker, another five points for participation.” He brightened at your words, and you couldn’t help but smile. “Any more questions about the male reproductive anatomy before we move on to the female side of things?”

After a moment, they shook their heads.

“Okay. You guys are doing great. Tech, can you go to the holonet and search for ‘human female reproductive system,’ and pull up a diagram for me?”

He nodded, sliding his datapad from his pocket and searching away.

“Thank you. I think it’ll be easier to help you all visualize this.” You turned back to the other three. “So, in the same way that your bodies produce sperm to pass on your DNA, the female body has eggs that serve a similar function. The eggs are stored in the ovaries, and once a month, an egg is released and travels into the fallopian tubes to await fertilization.” You leaned forward to take the datapad Tech was handing to you. You zoomed in on the image and pointed to the ovaries. “See, the eggs are stored here. The ovaries are basically equivalent to the testes in men.” You traced your finger down the fallopian tubes on the diagram. “So the egg travels down and hangs out here until it’s fertilized by a male sperm cell.”

You looked up to see they all had their eyes fixed on the diagram. Even Echo, who already knew all of this, was craning around you to see the image. “How is the egg fertilized again?” You asked.

“Sex,” Crosshair drawled. “Is that worth any points?”

You tried to fight a smile as you nodded. “Sure, have ten.” You turned back to the diagram. “When the egg is fertilized, it moves here, to the uterus, and implants in the lining of the uterine wall. And if nothing goes wrong, then after nine months of growing and developing, the woman will give birth to a baby, and it exits her body through the vagina.” You searched for an analogy to help make it accessible to them. “The uterus serves the same function as the incubation pods on Kamino, and you know birth as decanting.”

“That’s how you were born?” Wrecker asked.

You nodded. “Yep. My mom and dad had sex, and nine months later, they had me.”

You zoomed out of the image and handed the datapad back to Tech. “Now, when the egg is first released, it only has about 24-48 hours to be fertilized before it dies. And when that happens, the body sheds the lining of the uterus, and the cycle starts all over again the next month.” You looked at Hunter. “The primary component of that lining is blood. So because I am not pregnant--” (you held your hand out to Echo, palm up, and he high-fived you with his scomp link)--“my body is discarding the lining of my uterus, and therefore, I am bleeding, but I am not injured.”

Understanding dawned on Tech’s face, but Hunter still looked concerned.

“You said it hurt,” he countered. “Last night, you said you were in pain.”

You nodded as you took another sip of your caff. “There are a number of physical and emotional symptoms that accompany a period. One of them is muscle cramping, and it can be quite painful.”

“What are the other symptoms?” Tech asked.

You shrugged. “It depends on the person and if they’re using a form of hormonal birth control, but other common symptoms include mood changes, appetite changes, cravings, fatigue, and gastrointestinal upset.”

“How long does it last?” Tech asked.

“Again, it depends, but it tends to average around five to seven rotations.”

“All of that for a week ?” Crosshair said. “That sounds miserable.”

You grinned at him. “It is. Take another ten points.”

Hunter’s face was stricken as he asked his next question. “Omega’s going to go through this?”

You nodded, gaze softening as you looked at him. “She will. Soon, I expect. She’s about the same age I was when I had my first period. You all need to be ready for it, especially you, Hunter.”

He balked. “Me? Can’t you just explain everything to her?”

“If she asks me to, then yes. But if she comes to you, any of you--” you fixed each of them with a look, “you need to be prepared to explain to her what’s going on. I am happy to help, but what you’re not going to do is shove her off to me, and make her feel like this is some dirty, girl-secret that she can’t talk to you about.” Your eyes dropped to stare at the mug in your hands. “I was pretty close to my dad when I was a kid, but when I went through puberty, he made it clear that I was not allowed to talk about it with him. Suffice to say, we’re not that close anymore.”

Echo placed his hand on your shoulder, and Wrecker leaned forward to catch your gaze.

“I’m sorry, burc’ya ,” he murmured, reaching up to wrap your hand in both of his.

You gave him a reassuring squeeze. “It’s okay,” you said. “I’m over it now. But I don’t want any of you to risk damaging your relationship with Omega just because you’re uncomfortable or feel put on the spot. There’s enough stigma around periods as it is; she doesn’t need it from the five of you, too.”

Hunter still looked a little unsure of himself, but he nodded firmly, always determined to be the most capable leader he could. “If it’s that important, then we’ll do the best we can for her. She needs to know she’s safe with us, no matter what happens.”

“It’s just like any other mission,” Echo added.

You smirked. “I think you’ve all lived through many more perilous missions than this one. You should be able to handle it no problem.”

Hunter nodded, looking encouraged. “Yeah. And we still have time to prepare, right?”

Part II

#sw tbb #reader insert #female reader #star wars the bad batch #tbb fanfiction #tbb echo #tbb #tbb crosshair #tbb omega #tbb hunter #tbb wrecker #tbb tech #the bad batch #clone force 99 #clone wars

85 notes · View notes

deadcactuswalking · 1 year ago

Text

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 12/08/2023 (Doja Cat, Travis Scott/SZA/Future)

For a 10th week, and maybe the last, “Sprinter” by Dave and Central Cee tops the UK Singles Chart. And for once, nothing else is happening. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Rundown

Yeah, it’s one of those weeks. Well, I guess some things are happening, those being our notable dropouts, songs exiting the UK Top 75 - which is what I cover - after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week isn’t exactly the busiest in the world, so we have only a few farewells to give out, those being to “HYAENA” by Travis Scott being three-song-ruled out by another song from UTOPIA as well as “Mourning” by Post Malone not even making it to three weeks, then “Trojan Horse” and “UK Rap” by Dave and Central Cee, “Sittin’ on Top of the World” by Burna Boy and “Side Effects” by Becky Hill and Lewis Thompson. Now that song has been on the chart for 12 weeks, and all of the songs that also dropped out range below that. I say this because we have tons of returns and gains this week, and they’re primarily for songs past their prime, and there are a ton of them so bear with me as half this episode - given our measly two new arrivals - will consist of me listing songs that have been out for months. How delightful.

“Mr. Brightside” is at #55. Christ. Outside of that, we see the returns for “Don’t Say Love” by Leigh-Anne, “Everywhere” by Fleetwood Mac, “Toxic Trait” by Stormzy and Fredo - all from #75 to #73 - as well as another steak from #71 to #68: “I Ain’t Worried” by OneRepublic, “I’m Good (Blue)” by David Guetta and Bebe Rexha, “Tattoo” by Loreen and “Escapism.” by RAYE featuring 070 Shake, followed by “Bad Habits” by Ed Sheeran at #66 - seriously? - and “Boy’s a liar” by PinkPantheress at #65. These are all bottom-feeders, but a particularly big week will need to shovel it all out, especially since in our gains, we have boosts for “Die for You” by The Weeknd at #64, “Kill Bill” by SZA at #62, “Wish You the Best” and “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi at #61 and #57, “Baby Don’t Hurt Me” by David Guetta, Anne-Marie and Coi Leray at #59, “Anti-Hero” by Taylor Swift at #38, “Flowers” by Miley Cyrus at #34 and “Miracle” by Calvin Harris featuring Ellie Goulding at #27, though to be completely fair, there were plenty of other gains for songs that are more contemporary, like “What it Is” by Doechii at #67, “Rave Out” by Skepsis, Turno and Charlotte Plank at #52, “Highs & Lows” by Prinz featuring Gabriela Bee at #51 probably thanks to that remix with A1 x J1 which is, of course, not credited, “Bittersweet Goodbye” by Issey Cross at #47, “Asking” by Sonny Fodera and MK featuring Clementine Douglas at #41, “Closer” by Bou featuring Slay at #26 (must be a USB stick discount), “Baddadan” by Chase & Status and… everyone else at #21, “So Much in Love” by D.O.D at #16, “Desire” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith at #12 and finally, Chase & Status get their first top 10 hit since 2013 with “Disconnect” with Becky Hill up to #9. I’m not complaining, it’s a great song.

As for our top five, there’s very little movement - we see “Barbie World” by Nicki Minaj, Ice Spice and Aqua down to #5, “vampire” by Olivia Rodrigo up to #4 and the top three completely unchanged: “Dance the Night” by Dua Lipa at #3, “What Was I Made For?” by Billie Eilish at #2 and of course, “Sprinter” at the top. Now to talk about two songs.

NEW ARRIVALS

#31 - “TELEKINESIS” - Travis Scott featuring SZA and Future

Produced by Travis Scott, BoogzDaBeast, Wallis Lane, Kanye West, Jahaan Sweet, Nabeyin and Hudson Mohawke

As I predicted, “HYAENA” was swapped out for a better-performing track from the album, with this being the third song for this week and it was a net loss in my opinion. I know this is one of the most highly-acclaimed on the record, partly because of the features and the fact that it was originally a Kanye song from the Donda sessions. I’ll admit - I was excited initially when I heard the woozy synths open the track as they clip in the mix and you can hear the drums in Future’s recording despite them being taken out… okay, it doesn’t sound exciting but Future is fittingly hypnotic here - it’s the typical flexing and toxicity delivered richly but he handles most of this song’s first part and he’s more of a personality than Travis about droning that he can “see the future”. Very funny. Future may not be saying much of interest, but at least it’s coherent, as Travis announces trumpets only for them… not to arrive, being completely obscured by the cloudy yet still mediocre mix, instead dropping into this stagnant beeping with military-esque drums trying desperately to rattle out and never fully skittering to an actually substantial intensity. I did get a decent laugh after this snooze of a track when Travis asks “Do you like the way it sounds?” and the worst, cheapest FL Studio-sounding trumpets come in. He brags about something you haven’t heard yet, and when you hear it, it’s an off-beat ass-blaring that even SZA is close to giving up on savouring. The worst thing about this song, though, it’s just that it’s way too long. Future has two verses and book-ends one with a repetitive refrain, Travis has some malformed verse or bridge for no reason, SZA’s verse drags on, and all of it’s for a decidedly non-immersive track that seems to go for the hypnotising, drumless experience whilst also forgetting that it has to be 1.) seamless and 2.) interesting. But hey, keep bringing out fascists at your shows, Jacques. What do I know?

#20 - “Paint the Town Red” - Doja Cat

Produced by Earl on the Beat, Karl Rubin, Jean Baptiste and DJ Replay

There’s a lot of buzz regarding some behaviour by Doja Cat on social media that I have no clear understanding of so I don’t completely comprehend the turn to a more vindictive aesthetic and persona, but it’s not exactly never been in her wheelhouse and she has that kind of playfulness that could make it work for a full album. We didn’t get much of a good first impression with “Attention”, but this one is pretty great, and honestly, we can probably thank the producers. Earl on the Beat in particular is a producer I really like, thanks to his sense for twinkling yet basic melodic leads that give an off-kilter vibe when his more static trap bounces, and he’s worked in the past with people like Drake, the City Girls, and extensively, Lil Yachty, who he’s made some great beats for. This twinkling melodic lead in particular is a sample of Dionne Warwick’s “Walk on By”, an old Bacharach-penned classic from 1964 that peaked at #9 in the UK, and was later out-charted by covers from Sybil and Gabrielle. The original is an excellent song, but also a remorseful and kind of embarrassed one, not wanting to communicate with their ex after a breakup, pleading with him to just walk on by her if he ever sees her. That’s not a Doja Cat thing to do, so she flips it for a track about she does not care, she’d rather be famous, she couldn’t be less bothered about what you have to say. Sure, the sample is kind of monotonous and the time-stretching and looping is a bit more awkward than it should be, but once the slick snap and bass groove comes in, it’s very hard to care, and Doja as always is full of charisma as she… refers to herself in third-person in the post-chorus, of course, and otherwise making pretty blatant references to her recent actions that collate as some kind of villain origin story, in a more compelling way than “Attention” because things are kept just that bit vaguer and more psychological than just celebrity gossip BS. Oh, and there’s actually some decent wordplay, fun flows, it’s not the most brilliant song she’s ever put out but it does have me somewhat interested in how this new album is going to shape.

Conclusion

You read the reviews. Well, I hope you did. Travis Scott gets Worst of the Week for “TELEKINESIS” featuring SZA and Future, whilst “Paint the Town Red” by Doja Cat gets Best of the Week, though honestly these songs both suffer from not cutting some of the fat. As for what’s on the horizon… I don’t know, hopefully more weeks that require me to do as little work as possible? Thank you for reading and I’ll see you next week, if there are even new songs to discuss, that is. We could just have no new songs. If that happens, I genuinely would have no idea what to do. For a week, I would have no purpose in life. Then Drake would drop an album and I’d be fine again.

1 note · View note

thecarnivorousmuffinmeta · 3 years ago

Note

Bella and Beauford (your version of Beau) are twins, similar features (brown eyes), similar chip on their shoulder, similar flowery language, and Ed can't read either of their minds and both smell like grade A beefcakes. Both move to Forks. What kind of mess do you think will go down? 030 Does Eddie boi get the harem he's never wanted? How much can we destroy the B&B team self esteem? Find out on today's episode of the What if Muffin chronicles~! - Sw

Beauford is a reoccurring guest star on this blog.

Think Bella directly plastered onto a boy: absurdly pretty, still clumsy, still terribly introverted and awful socially, and smells like heroin to one Edward Cullen.

With that, onto your question

The Rules

To set some ground rules that are set in the post, I'm presuming both, somehow, are Edward's singer. Now, given that it's Bella and Beauford (fraternal twins), I'd say this is highly unlikely. Singers are rare, and Charlie and Renee don't notably smell like high quality heroin to Edward. More likely, Bella would be the singer, and Beauford would just smell generally nice (but not murder all of Biology nice).

It's also unlikely they'd have the same exact gift, or a gift that expresses itself in the same manner, blocking Edward out of their minds.

But the rules are set, both are Edward's singer, and both have Bella's absurdly powerful gift.

They're for all intents and purposes the same fucking person that somehow got stuffed in two different gendered bodies. The real genesis of this AU: Renee was abducted by aliens while pregnant and her unborn child experimented on. Beauford is, in fact, Bella's identical twin. Beauford is actually Bella's male clone grown in the womb.

After Bella and Beauford reach sexual maturity they'll be beamed back up into space and put into a zoo on Traflamador. (Except not because that would derail this post... The test pilot on Traflamador blew up their planet before Bella and Beauford could phone home. It's not important.)

Bella, Beauford, and the Time Before Forks

Bella and Beauford are probably frightfully codependent for a few reasons that go by the name of Renee. Renee's still out to lunch parenting, and it falls to Bella and Beauford to take care of adult responsibilities from a very young age.

Bella and Beauford come home from school to an empty house, are the ones to go grocery shopping, pay the bills, pay the taxes, do the laundry, pretty much anything that has "adult responsibility" stamped on it.

As a result, they don't really have time to make friends with kids out of school, and they quickly realize that they're the only ones they can depend on in their lives. More, they're the only ones who get each other on any level.

They're both social outcasts, both not what their mother wanted, both have to deal with their mother, and if they ever get in trouble then it's their sibling that they're going to call. Because no one else will ever be there.

I imagine both Bella and Beauford cling to each other tightly with both hands.

Which, of course, makes things weird.

There's getting along with your twin sibling then there's... only getting along with your twin sibling.

Bella and Beauford have lunch together, by themselves, every day in Phoenix. They partner together on everything and are very displeased if they're forced into a group project with anyone else. They participate in all the same activities and if one isn't allowed to do it then the other quits (yes, Beauford tried to get into ballet class, when Renee put her foot down Bella quit right then and there). They wear each other's clothes, if they can't, then those clothes never get worn (Bella never wears the few dresses in her closet). They actually remember their made up secret twin language and lapse into it accidentally from time to time. They're anxious when they're not in the same classes and meet up after every single class to walk down the hallways together. Rather than have any friends, most of their free time is spent at home reading the same books in the same room. They don't even talk about how amazing Heathcliff is, because they know the other knows.

I imagine they channel such the twins from The Shining. Absurdly good looking, beautiful, kids but good god what is wrong with them?

The Decision to Move

When Phil enters the picture seriously, he's not just a new boyfriend, Bella and Beauford sit down to discuss their options. Neither is quite sure how they feel about Phil.

He's awfully young, but he seems to be good for Renee, and is actually capable of paying his taxes (unlike Renee). He can probably be depended upon not to run off and to make sure Renee is taken care of.

However what about Bella and Beau?

With Bella and Beau going to school, they can't travel across the country every few weeks following Phil. Now, in theory, Renee could abandon them to follow Phil. This wouldn't make much of a difference in their daily lives (might, in fact, make things easier in a way as then Beau/Bella can just handle all the cooking rather than Renee even attempting to). However, Renee would never want to admit she's been leaving her kids to their own devices for years, and would feel horribly guilty to leave them behind.

As it is, they've already told Renee she can go on and travel with Phil and she refused, stating she had to be there for her kids.

There's also that Phil keeps trying to bond with Beau especially. As if he thinks it will be easier to bond with the teenage stepson vs. the stepdaughter. That hasn't been going well, Beau would like to avoid that if at all possible.

On the other hand... Forks, wet, cold, and being the children of the police chief's runaway bride.

Ultimately, the pair come to the same decision Bella came to in canon. They want their mother to be happy, feel desperately like third wheels, and if making Renee happy necessitates going to Forks then to Forks they shall go.

At least they'll have each other, and in the end, that's all that really matters.

Arriving in Forks

Bella and Beau arrive in Forks and receive the same reception they would otherwise. But more so. Holy god, the high school population says, it's the Cullens 2.0.

Eerily pale, beautiful, siblings, who are both sensitive intellectuals (and are also weirdly incestuous acting). All the guys want to date Bella and all the girls want to date Beau (some vice versa but they're not admitting that in a public high school in 2005).

The guys (Mike, Tylor, Eric, etc.) aren't all that thrilled by Beau's presence, he's major competition and day one is attracting all the attention. However, they see him as a way to get an in with Bella, he can set them up on a date and put in a good word. If they become his best friend, they have an excuse to go to his house, where Bella will be.

The girls (even Lauren who was initially very pissed off about Bella's sudden popularity) are much the same. Bella's overrated, but good god, that beautiful brother of hers. If they become Bella's best friend, they can have sleep overs, and might be able to see Beau without a shirt on. No matter Bella's stuffy personality, that hot brother is worth it.

Lunch that first day, as a result, is even more awful than it was in canon. Bella and Beauford, while generally oblivious about themselves, are very observant when it becomes to the behavior of others regarding their sibling.

They have an emergency meeting in the truck after school and come to the same conclusion: Bella/Beau, this entire school of hicks wants in your pants. Dump them all.

Both Bella and Beauford end the day supremely annoyed but reconfirm their commitment to this Forks plan. Beau predicts than in six months they'll be losers again and they'll go back to having lunch by themselves.

But what about the Cullens?

Edward, The Cullens, and Biology

As in canon, both Beauford and Bella notice the entrance of the alien procession into the cafeteria and ask "what the fuck?"

Nobody's thrilled about answering, because no one wants to lose Bella/Beauford to the Cullens of all people (the girls sigh with relief as, at least for them, all the lady Cullens seem to be dating one of the other guys. Beau is safe. The possibility of Edward/Beau is one they dare not contemplate in those five seconds.)

Still, Jessica reluctantly gives the run down. These are the Cullens, they moved in two years ago, are absurdly wealthy, beautiful, and supposedly not actually related. They're all dating each other. No, seriously, they are. Except the hot ginger, Edward, but don't bother because he's an ass.

Both Bella and Beauford think Jessica doth protest too much about Edward and internally give the Cullens the same bisexual Bella ranking: Rosalie, Edward (after a bit of thought), and then the rest of them.

Edward, for his own part, notes that he can't seem to hear either's thoughts. Weird. He concludes that the pair are highly overrated and he can't believe the school's so agog over the pair of them. Stupid teenagers.

Then Biology happens.

The pair open the door and good god, Edward Cullen is a demon. Luckily for them, they have each other. There may be an open seat next to Edward Cullen but Bella and Beauford go "NOPE". You see, teacher, we always sit together. No, really, we ALWAYS sit together.

The teacher is weirded out but it's so weird he actually has nothing to say to that. There's only one immediately open seat anyway, and two new students, so they're clearly in trouble with seating arrangements anyway. So he says, "Um, sure, go sit with Angela I guess." Angela is now in an overcrowded table with both Bella and Beauford, her original partner gleefully goes to sit with hottie Edward (then is in dismay sitting with Edward because this guy looks terrifying today). The twins, throughout Biology, are staring down Edward Cullen.

Edward, of course, has smelled the scent of the gods and is going through his personal hell on earth. He devises his many schemes of how he's going to murder Biology before he can get to the pair of them (Angela, for the record, gets smashed into a wall for the honor of being in Edward's way). Then, he doesn't know which he'd start on, he can't tell which scent comes from which. He tells himself he'll toss a coin, heads the boy goes first, then tails the girl.

Still, thinking of Carlisle's sad, disapproving, face as Edward massacres a room filled with children allows Edward to hold on through Biology. He'll murder them after school. Then of course he's able to clear his head and flees to Alaska.

In the meantime, thanks to being hyperaware of their sibling, and now having someone to talk to and confirm their suspicions with: Edward Cullen is Ted Bundy. This guy is creepy, dangerous, and in that moment it looked as if he was going to kill one or both of them. Bella/Beauford would be alright, though disappointed, if they were murdered then left in a dumpster. But their sibling die and meet that same awful fate? Not ever allowed to happen.

Bella and Beau have the world's most tense drive home and tense night taking turns taking guard and sleeping in the same room. Every time one questions if they're, maybe, just maybe, a little paranoid about this, the other confirms that "NOPE, THAT DUDE WAS SCARY".

They can't tell Charlie, he wouldn't believe them and they have no evidence, but when Edward tries to climb through their window maybe one of them will get in a good hit with the baseball bat (they won't, they're both debilitatingly clumsy).

The next day, to their confusion and relief, Edward Cullen isn't at school. He's not there the day after that either, or the day after that...

Beau and Bella start to relax, if only a little bit.

Edward, Alaska, and the Prodigal Son Returns

Edward in Alaska calms down and goes through the same thought process he did in canon. He keeps picturing the twins' faces, his obsession beginning to blossom, and convinces himself that he can't let these unremarkable humans get in the way of his life and his family.

After a week of brooding, much to Carlisle's horror, Edward returns to Forks and goes straight back to school. Specifically, he wants to do damage control with the twins and see just how much they actually noticed.

This goes worse than in canon.

First, Edward has to approach their shared table with Angela like a loser. There, Bella and Beau clearly don't want to talk at him, at all, and both clearly vividly remember exactly what happened last Biology class.

Edward barely gets a word in before he has to go to his seat. When he notices Bella, Beau, and Angela get their lab done as quickly as him (thanks to Bella and Beau), he tries again.

Bella and Beau both ask to go to the bathroom. (Yes, teacher, at the same time. Don't question this.) They don't come back. Edward, after ten minutes, also goes to the bathroom. He finds the pair in their giant, red, truck in the parking lot, deep in conversation (trying to figure out what the fuck is up with Edward Cullen).

He approaches them again, being as charming as possible. This has the opposite effect. Directed towards only them, Beau/Bella would probably let this slide. Directed towards Beloved Sibling, their "DANGER, WILL ROBINSON" sirens are blaring in their head. Beau floors it, and the pair tear out of the parking lot as fast as the truck will take them, they're telling Charlie they're taking a sick day. What will they do next Biology class? FUCK IF THEY KNOW.

Edward, standing in the parking lot with his mouth open, feels very very embarrassed and ashamed. He is a man eating demon and these two are perfectly aware of it. The rest of the Cullens find him there not long after, they find this both sad and hilarious.

Bella and Beau Get Hit by a Van

Well, this would all be well and good. Edward tells himself that if the pair are so determined to avoid him then he'll just avoid them. Problem solved. More, the pair don't seem to be chatterboxes, there's no weird rumors spreading about Edward Cullen or his siblings. At least, no more than usual.

Instead, it seems that everyone's trying to ask the twins to the dance, and are very confused when the twins say that they're going with each other. Sibling policy. You see. (They don't see, nobody sees, this is weird.)

Then it happens. Bella nearly gets hit by a van, Edward saves her, with Beau as a full not-concussed witness. FUCK. Bella and Beau travel to the hospital, Edward driving along behind them, and then after Carlisle checks Bella out they have their awkward talk.

Bella wants to insist that Edward was clearly the one who saved her, with his strange superhuman strength, but thanks to twin telepathy (which either is actual telepathy or is just reading twin body language, who even knows) knows that Beau wants her to shut up. They say nothing, the truth isn't important.

Instead, Beau states that he was the one who pulled Bella out of the way, Bella's just confused. Edward stares at Beau like he's an alien. Beau just smiles, thanks Edward for his concern, then throws Edward out of the room.

Bella and Beau madly discuss that Edward's clearly not human. More, while he saved her life today and that was very noble of him, neither has truly forgotten how he was in that first day of Biology. More, did you see him now? He clearly wanted, desperately for Bella to not remember what happened. He crushed that van like a pretzel, what if they told him that they saw him? What would happen to them? Beau doesn't want to take chances, not even for the truth, and in retrospect Bella doesn't either. Now is not the time to look gifted horses in the mouth.

Given Bella's injured, Beau's on full guard duty that night.

Meanwhile, the Cullens have their vote. It's even more dramatic, because instead of just one innocent, injured, witness, there's two witnesses and one was completely uninjured. Carlisle is utterly appalled that Rosalie genuinely suggests murdering them both so she doesn't have to move. He's more appalled when Edward reveals that he believes the twins may believe that Edward... wishes them harm for having witnessed his heroics.

Because the irony being that the twins are right, the family is voting on this very issue right now. And what does that say about all of them?

Thankfully for Beau and Bella, the vote goes very similarly to canon. Jasper's not convinced until Alice has her vision.

And she drops the bomb. Edward's in love with Bella, Beau will be Edward's best friend and Bella Alice's, and both Bella and her brother will be turned and join the coven.

(Now, what Alice doesn't tell Edward is that, actually, Edward's in love with them both. It's safer to say that Edward's in love with the woman, as that's what Edward will far more readily accept. Throwing Beau into that mix would just make things very messy, if Alice wants her best friend and Edward's happy ending then she has to be smart about this.)

The family has a similar reaction. Carlisle gives his, "Well, alright then" and the family doesn't move. Edward, in despair and self-hatred, heads to the Swan house to see sleeping Bella for himself.

And lo and behold, Beau has been waiting for him. Beau tries to smash Edward's face in with a bat. Unfortunately, a) Edward's a vampire, b) Beau misses.

Beau and Edward end up talking, man to man, while Bella is sleeping. Edward decides that, yes, oh woe, he is in love with Beauford's sister and confesses as much (while also confessing that he might, you know, actually be dangerous). Beau suggests that Edward stay far away from his sister.

No, there's nothing Beau can do to stop Edward. Yes, he is just a pathetic human even more pathetic than most, but he promises that he will make Edward and his family's life hell on Earth if Edward ever thinks of assaulting his sister.

Edward protests he would never, Beau points out that Edward just climbed through his injured sister's window in the dead of night. Edward... tries and fails to explain away that one.

He actually does succeed in that he explains that Bella was in danger from... his siblings. Edward had come to protect Bella, to make sure none came to harm her. It's not necessarily his siblings' fault, it's complicated but... Well, Edward was trying to be somewhat noble.

Then something strange happens. Edward finds himself fascinated by this Beauford Swan. Such courage in the world's weakest, no most delicate, body. Look at those eyelashes, his big dark eyes, his perfectly shaped features. This boy is beautiful, as beautiful as his sister, and just as courageous as she is. And look at him now, nobly facing down a demon he knows he cannot win against for the sake of his sister.

How virtuous.

Edward tells himself that what he's feeling is kinship and admiration for Beauford Swan. Bella could not have a worthier brother. Edward leaves with the promise that he'll respect Beau's wishes (Beau doesn't believe that for a second).

The next morning, Beau tells Bella that Edward's the world's biggest creep and that the Twin Watch is not stopping anytime soon. They're going to need to make a big purchase of coffee.

Edward and His Torment

As in canon, Edward decides he should nobly stay out of Bella's life. He'll see if either twin really does talk (they don't) and then he'll ignore them until they disappear. They will forget him.

They don't, but they do discuss him. See, after much pondering, the twins realize that Edward truly is a Grade A hottie. More, he's so mysterious and inhuman. In retrospect, his saving Bella's life goes a long way, and for all that he's been... menacing, he's never truly threatened them and does seem intent on protecting Bella. More, he seems to be keeping his promise: he's staying out of Bella's life and he hasn't been back to the house since (he has, but they haven't caught him, Edward waits until they both crash until he can sneak in and stare at them both).

And he's never lied about being dangerous. Their glares soften into pondering glances, wondering just what the truth of this Edward Cullen and his family really is, and wonder what it'd be like to let him into their small, insular, world that no one before has ever managed to breach in the way he has.

Bella doesn't believe he's truly interested in her, despite Beau's insistence, and wonders if he's interested in Beau. Beau, for his own part, doesn't believe Edward's interested in him and insists that he's clearly very interested in Bella.

Reluctantly, the pair conclude that Edward is something likely very dangerous, against Edward's will, but benign. Whatever it was they sensed from Edward that first day, it was not something in his control.

Helping this is Edward enabling the mysterious mystery by breaking. He can't stay away from the twins. He tells them that he's tired of staying away from them, that they shouldn't be friends, that he doesn't want to be friends (but wants to be something hint, hint, wink, wink). Except he's convinced he and Beauford are friends, dual protectors of the angel Bella Swan. If he stares a little too much at Beau's perfect figure then that's because he's the perfect, male, version of his perfect sister.

Anyway, the twins go to Long Beach with the others and the twins are now just too curious. Edward's giving them nothing and they must know. Bella flirts with Jake for information, Beau is appalled that this works, and they hear the cold ones story. That night, they both have the prophetic Slayer dream: Edward is a vampire.

Bella tells Beauford that she knows three things. One is that she's in love with Edward. Beau's not sure how to take that for a second but, being Bella's twin and on the same weird wavelength, he gets it. He's in love with Edward too.

Neither finds it strange that they both confess to being in love with the same demon and that they see no conflict of interest in this.

The pair go to Port Angeles to help Jessica and Angela pick up dresses. (Angela and Jessica aren't sure why a man is coming, but they've learned not to question this twin thing). Bella and Beau ultimately decided not to go to the dance, too risky giving the deluge of invitations they received, and instead they'll be headed to Seattle that weekend. They claim this is not a date, Angela and Jessica just stare.

Due to Beau being with Bella, though the pair get hopelessly lost looking for the book store, Bella doesn't get followed by rapists. Edward shows up anyway, as Alice saw the possibility, and takes the pair of them to romantic Italian dinner. It's weird.

He then drives them home and Bella blurts it out. Edward's a vampire, she and Beau know. Edward has his miniature meltdown and realizes that these pair of siblings forgive him this. Beau, beautiful man that he is, is giving Edward his beloved sister and Bella is giving not only herself but her wonderful brother's hand in friendship.

Edward invites them both, that's right, them both, to the meadow. Neither thinks this is strange. And when they get there. Boom, it's over, any chance to question this is gone. Both Bella and Beau are seduced by Edward's sparkling chest and his quotes about lions.

He rests his head on Bella's chest but puts his right hand on Beau's. They sit like that. For hours.

The Cullens (Again)

Well, this went from weird to fucking weirder. It was weird enough when Edward became obsessed with this rando teenage girl. Now, it turns out that Edward's a horn dog panting after bisexual twins, clearly intending to romance them both at the same time.

Carlisle dearly tries to have an intervention. He sends Esme to do it, as in canon, this doesn't work (Esme is perfectly fine with Edward's twincest fetish and thinks it's wonderful).

Alice tells a dubious Jasper that Edward and Beau are just friends. Jasper doesn't believe her, but he's not sure what to even say.

Emmett is desperately holding in Edward sandwich jokes. Desperately.

When Beau and Bella are invited to the house (together of course), the entire family has no idea what to say to them. At all. They don't know how to process this. Rosalie is actually there this time, because somebody needs to warn these two about what Edward really wants, but then they're too weird.

It's all just too weird.

And... the rest of canon happens.

The baseball game occurs, James dies, Victoria's not sure which Swan she should target and so she targets them both anyway. They're in the same damn place so it makes 0 difference.

Bella and Beau joint hallucinate Hallucination Edward, somehow, and get even weirdly more codependent in their zombie fugue state. This tanks their popularity as now there's no denying the incest. Bella and Beau don't care.

Bella and Beau reach out to get Jake to build them the motorcycles. Jake doesn't necessarily want Beau around, the dude's weird and getting in the way of Bella time, but alright. Bella and Jake's friendship doesn't take off because Bella's codependent on Beau.

They do learn about the wolves though thanks to Jake's crush on Bella. Jake never realizes that he's coming in third place not only to Edward Cullen but to Beauford Swan. He thinks he has a chance. That poor boy.

Bella and Beau jump off the cliff together, convinced they weren't committing suicide.

Alice returns, gets Bella and Beau to go to Volterra, because Edward has to see that they're both alive. There's a joyful reunion, Aro is really weirded out by this whole damn thing and has a five second pause after touching Marcus' hand. "Well." he says afterwards, "You and your brother are close. I see."

They get to go home, Aro insists they turn. Eclipse happens. Edward proposes marriage to Bella. Neither Beau nor Bella are thrilled (mostly about the marriage and also about the question of how the twin enters this equation) but ultimately Bella accepts. Bella and Edward marry publicly.

Beau is invited for the honeymoon. Edward, Bella, nor Beau question this. Everyone else does. A lot. On Isle Esme, the three confirm their commitment to each other: they have a secret marriage. Edward and Beau are both convinced they're not in a relationship. Bella and Beau are convinced they're not incestuous.

Sex is had by... someone. Unclear who.

Bella gets pregnant, this seems to confirm Edward must be the father but... Bella and Beau are both very strange, almost alien, and very gifted. There is some red in their hair. Questions the Cullens dare not speak aloud are thought, Edward doesn't seem to notice.

TL;DR Basically, the books still happen but Edward is cuckolded and enables twincest.

...

I did not see this one coming guys. I swear. I did not.

452 notes · View notes