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harpyface · 9 months ago

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Kim Kitsuragi - The bullet falls in the bag leaving a smattering of blood on the plastic. He raises the bag under his eyes and says:

Kim Kitsuragi - "Unknown calibre. Rifled. Some kind of brittle alloy, fractured on impact..."

You - "Can I have it?"

Kim Kitsuragi - "Of course. You've *earned* it." The lieutenant drops the bag in your bloody hand. It feels light.

Perception (Sight) - Your gardening glove is completely covered in the corpse's blood.

Inland Empire - Cold and absent of life.

Half Light - Lick your fingers.

Volition - What-

Electrochemistry - YES-

You - Um...?

Endurance - Uh, no. You barely got your shit together when approaching the hanging corpse. Your body will not be able to handle its dead blood inside it.

Electrochemistry - The dark liquid glistens on the yellow latex in the cold sunlight. Your fingers are *dripping* with it.

Authority - You outlived this sad, sad man. It's only right that you should feast upon his corpse.

Logic - No, you shouldn't. The corpse has been hanging outside - mouth open - for a week. In any case, it won't taste good.

Conceptualisation - That's because it's raw, unseasoned blood. This is just a little taste.

Perception (Smell) - You waft the odor towards your face. If you close your eyes, you can imagine it's a kebab.

Volition - We all know that the kebabs you ate were no better than a week-old corpse. Take the gloves off and clean them when you get back to your room.

Reaction Speed - You will never get this chance again, especially with how the lieutenant regarded you when you tried to remove the hanged man's boots.

You - Lick your fingers.

Perception (Taste) - You swipe the flat of your tongue along the back of your hand. Why did you do that? You could have just dabbed at it. It's disgustingly sour and tastes awful. You gag when your saliva washes the fluid down your throat.

Authority - You have bested this man. You have consumed him.

Electrochemistry - It's fucking vile. It's enlightening.

Logic - Great. Now that you've established that brain fluid and blood tastes bad, let's get back to the autopsy.

Kim Kitsuragi - He had turned to his notebook when you took the bagged bullet. He's still looking down at it.

Kim Kitsuragi - He was beginning to write the bullet wound's description. The pen has not touched the paper.

Composure - He *saw* you lick your bloody glove.

Empathy - It's not a surprise. He is still appalled.

Half Light - You conquered your prey. You are the predator.

Inland Empire - A four-legged beast with sharp claws and numerous teeth. Muscles powerful and flexing.

Shivers - In a grimy butcher shop in Faubourg, a rugged man pulls a thawed lamb down onto the somewhat clean counter. He grips the front legs and tendons crack. In the front of the shop, raw meats line the shelves. Red steaks with beautiful marbling, sausage casings stuffed full of spiced pork, pink breasts of chicken shining in the artificial light.

Electrochemistry - You recall the sweet ham of Gaston's sandwich.

Physical Instrument - Your muscles are also powerful and flex-worthy. Your meat would be highly coveted.

Volition - Right. Who would want to buy meat sourced from an addicted alcoholic? Take off the damn gloves.

You - "I wonder what I taste like."

Kim Kitsuragi - You pull him out of his silent stupor. After a second, he decides to ignore what you said. "We need to add an item to the injury list."

#EdC: He would be willing to help with that #this wasnt even for the last meme i just neeeeed cannibalism #new thought orb when harry walks past the kitchen and he has more cannibalism thoughts #yknow my friend said i was her SECOND favorite cannibal second to alastor #corvid creates #disco elysium #harry du bois #kim kitsuragi #disco elysium skills #celltw save me celltw #more often au

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yumiis · 10 months ago

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u should totally do like an isaacwhy x reader getting high together …. or tanner (my bfs btw)

i'll do both of em! hope you enjoy! (they're our bfs can we share)

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ﾟ。 hi or high? ; isaac + tanner

　ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

genre; fluff/humor

type; blurbs

read below!

tw // getting high, dab pens, edibles

ISAAC ;

Isaac isn't normally a huge fan of getting high, he normally drinks. That doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't smoke, just not as often as he drinks. It was already pretty late, around 10, and you'd just charged your pen. You waved it in front of your boyfriend, "You wanna?" He sighed, "... Eh, why the fuck not?"

In about twenty minutes, you two were off your asses, and thank god for doordash. You'd ordered possibly the biggest order of Panda Express you'd ever seen, just for it to be absolutely demolished in thirty minutes. "See? Getting high isn't bad!" Isaac laughed, "You idiot, I never said it was!" He paused, taking a bite of his egg roll. "I just like drinkin' more." He tilted his head, swinging around the end of his egg roll. "But I mean, if we get Panda every time, I won't be against getting high mooore."

You smiled, taking another hit off your pen. "We can order as much Panda as you want, pretty boy," You chuckled, coughing a bit. You saw his face flush, "Aw shut up!" He swatted his egg roll at you, "You know you love it when I call you that!"

TANNER ;

Tanner gets high occasionally, but he prefers edibles over actually smoking a joint or using a pen. Monthly, he'll buy a new pack for $20 and call it a day. He takes about half of one if he just wants to sleep, but he'll take a whole if he wants to really get high. Which is what he did tonight.

You walk into Tanner's room, to which he slowly turns his head to look at you. "Hiii!" He giggles and smiles at you. You tilt your head, "... Tanner, hi, like hello? Or high like you're high?" He sits up from his bed, "Both!" You laugh, sitting next to him on the bed, "Where's the edibles? I'll take one." He smiles, handing them to you slowly. You pop one in your mouth, wincing at the aftertaste of weed. "God, they're kinda gross," He acted offended, "What?! Are not!"

After bickering for longer than you should've over the taste of the edibles, it hit you. "Oh, woah. I'm like, lagging." Tanner pointed, "You're high!" You raised your hands in defense, "Guilty as charged! And also hungry.. Tanner.. Go fix me a sandwicchhhh.." You drawled out, giving him puppy dog eyes. He sighed, "No! Just order subway or something! And get me something too. I'm really fuckin' hungry."

#alex's writing #tgc x reader #tgc #tgc x you #tgc x y/n #the group chat #the group chat x y/n #the group chat x you #the group chat x reader #isaacwhy #isaacwhy x y/n #isaacwhy x you #isaacwhy x reader #big t #big t x y/n #big t x you #big t x reader

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nerdieforpedro · 9 months ago

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Get a room you two and BONE

Part two of the Roc & Doc Series

Tim Rockford x plus size OFC (Doc)

Rating: Mature only because of some of the banter.

This blog is for readers 18+ MDNI

Word Count: about 2.7k

Summary: It’s been a month since “The Case of the Vanishing Pens” had been solved. Things have changed somewhat between Tim and Doc. Are they both okay? Turns out, friends can suck sometimes.

Warnings: bad TV references, teasing, theft, angst?, mention of murder and STD, friends being menaces, the trench coat, bad singing, a murder threat (affectionately)

Notes: Originally, part two was going to be 7k of words. 😅 That was way too long so we’ll have a part two and three. I am working toward something. We’ll all find out when I get there. I’m fond of trench coats now. 😎 A huge smooch to @lady-bess who beta read for me and had some hilarious commentary. 🤣

The top item from the “what should go missing next” poll is in here! The runner ups are in part three. 🤭

Dividers are by the ever lovely @saradika-graphics

Main Masterlist / Tim Rockford Masterlist / Rock & Doc Series

You and the detective had dinner three times a week and tried to alternate who pays. Tim had you pay the first time but he insisted on paying the others. It’s been a month since “The Case of the Vanishing Pens.” You told Tim that his jokes were as old as Columbo. He was not amused. Tim told you that he’s a classic like Columbo, and you need to show respect. And honestly, he’s more like Kojak - able to find a parking space anywhere in LA. You choked on your shrimp fried rice while sitting in the passenger seat of his car, he patted your back to try and help the piece of shrimp go down, it eventually did.

“You’re not bald Rockford. Are you starting to go bald? Is that why you think you’re like Kojak?”, you asked, "going to start rocking three piece suits with a briefcase?”. Tim’s face freezes and he squints his eyes.

“I will kick you out of my car and leave you at this restaurant Doc. Don’t joke about a man’s hair.”

“You wouldn’t dare, Kojak would never. If you’re going to be mad about it, don’t compare yourself to a famous bald TV detective. Stick with Columbo Rockford.” The two of you grinned at each other. Since the pen incident, it’s become even easier to joke with Tim. You feel you’ve grown somewhat closer to him, but you still won’t ask him anything personal. He doesn’t ask you those types of questions either. It crosses an imaginary line you both have drawn for yourselves.

Tim had told you that you didn’t need to pay, he’d been teasing you for stealing his pens, though he still doesn’t fully buy it was just about a menu. You had also told him, “no, we’re both city employees getting shit pay. We gotta split it, Tim.” He laughed and reluctantly agreed. So the two of you started alternating tabs. Why would you offer to pay when you clearly have some unnamed grudge against him (in his mind anyway)? Is this a ‘keep your friends close and enemies closer’ sort of deal?

The answer doesn’t come to him as he finishes the last of his egg roll, some duck sauce is on his chin in his beard. With a moist towelette you pull from the depths of your tote bag, you dab his chin and succeed in getting the sauce off and making Tim re-evaluate what your end goal is. It’s too soft of a touch as you could have pushed his face as part of your teasing but you didn’t. You’ve given him small hip bumps in the autopsy room or even in your office. Those don’t feel intimate like this, maybe it’s because it’s his car or the lack of space. It’s dangerously close to the line he’s drawn in the sand with you. It’s times like these that Tim is thankful you don’t notice him clearing his throat or keeping his cafe brown eyes on you as you slurp your noodles. He’s thinking too much again.

Rockford ensures that you get back to your small car you call ‘the blueberry.’ The car suits your personality. It feels loud, quirky but not over the top, much like its owner. He never leaves before watching you pull out of the parking lot and make the right turn at the light. It’s then that he begins his own drive home. He sometimes has an inkling to text if you got home alright but he’s never texted you outside of work. Except the two times he picked you up tacos… alright, maybe it was four times, but limited to food options. Why is it so weird?

Rockford sighs at the orange streetlights ahead of the hood of his old Ford Crown Victoria. His mind is on you again, but it’s just because you spend a lot of time with each other and you look a hell of a lot better than any of his other partners. Well, you’re not his partner but it kinda feels like it when he talks out cases with you. Stevenson is a solid partner, but he’s wet behind the ears and still learning quite a bit. You, on the other hand, listen. Look at him with genuine interest with questions that tell him you were indeed hearing him. Tim is in his driveway wondering if you’ve already walked up the two flights of stairs to your apartment. He knows you like music but what else do you like?

“Shit.” Rockford gets out of his car and enters his home, dropping off his trench coat and shoes near the door. He stretches out on the couch and flips on the TV. There should be something to watch. An episode of Kojak is in progress with him parking perfectly, getting out of the car, bald head shining with a three piece suit and his briefcase. “What are the chances…?”

As promised, you brought him 4 boxes of pens over the months you’d been eating take out with him. He had nowhere to stick them and wondered if you were pranking him; you were not. You just felt bad about taking his pens for so long. You overdid it a bit, you explained and offered to hold some of them in your office. Tim declined and made room on the top of one of his file cabinets. Seeing something that you’d given him made him smile softly, before turning to face you, he cleared his throat and put his hands on those hips of his, saying he had work to do. You nodded and told him you’d see him around, you were sure there'd be more bodies to look at before long together. The detective sat at his desk and looked at the reports he needed to finish up, they suddenly seemed tedious. He’s wondering if he should have told you it would have been alright if you wanted to stay for a bit. Could have spoken to you while working on them to make the time go faster. Your absence is an issue for Tim. He’s got too many of those already.

Tim stopped by later in the evening to update you on what happened with the arsenic case. Turns out, the victim’s girlfriend had convinced him to become a pescatarian for better health. The girlfriend found out that the victim had two other lovers and had given them the clap (gonorrhea) in addition to her. The three happened to meet in the same clinic where they were getting tested. She had contacted those two after getting diagnosed as the name was different, but the physical description was the same as her boyfriend. It was then that the girlfriend started dosing his food to kill him. She told Tim and the other detectives that she wanted to watch him slowly die. She apparently laughed as they were taking her away in handcuffs.

You are engrossed in the details. Tim tells you the entire thing from beginning to end, he adds in tidbits from his notes that wouldn’t be in any of your reports. Despite looking like he was tired of everyone’s bullshit ninety percent of the time, the detective was rather animated in explaining the case to you. He walked back and forth in your office and then placed his hands on the back of a chair while leaning in to go over how the dots were connected between the seemingly unrelated people. If the man wasn’t a detective, he should be a voice actor or teacher…you’re sure there’s a suitable profession you’re forgetting in between the options, whatever would warrant people listening to him for a while.

Toward the end of Tim’s colorful retelling, Kim, one of the clerks and a friend of yours, stopped by the office. She was watching the two of you, rolling her eyes as she crossed her arms. She would have made a joke about you getting yourself in Tim’s trench coat but knew you wouldn’t forgive her for saying it in front of the man that you swear you only have respect and adoration for. Kim had tried to get you to understand your feelings, to at least see that you may want to spend time outside of work with the famed detective. The time may include an actual date at some point.

You’d always told her that it was because he’s always been respectful toward you, and that he came by your office when he didn’t need to. Like today. Kim was sure you hadn’t asked for any follow up on the case, yet here Rockford is telling you about it and you’re giving him all his attention. It’s annoying to watch the two of you. Sure he might be older than you, but it’s less than ten years and she’s sure he doesn’t talk to his ex-wife at all. At one point the precinct did think they were going to get back together shortly after you’d become the new medical examiner five years ago but nothing ever came of it. Not that Kim kept that close on an eye on things for you.Thankfully, there’s only been rumors of maybe some women here and there. Detective Rockford is one who stays holster deep in murders and crime. Kim did have to agree with you on one thing, those holsters are a damn good look on the man. She understands why your eyes linger on him. Kim preferred her men to be on the skinny side so she could toss them around a bit - she can be a bit rough at times.

Waiting until Tim seemed finished with his story, Kim knocked on the open door so the two of you would hear her.

“Hey Doc, Tim. What are you two crazy kids up to? Making some more dinner plans? Going to take it a step above take out and go to a place where there might be seats inside the restaurant?” The detective bit the side of his jaw which Kim was quick to notice and smirked. Like how does she not notice how bothered he is when anyone interrupts him speaking to her? Maybe Tim liked her stealing his pens? Hmm…that’s an idea.

Your face hardens at your friend’s joke and you start nervously pressing your hands together. At least it wasn’t the trenchcoat one she likes to make, thank goodness. Tim looked back at the door and stood up, shaking his head.

“Hey Kim. Just knew Doc would want to hear how the case turned out. I’m going to head out Doc. I’m going to go make sure Stevenson isn’t still working on the homicide from last week. He makes fun of my chicken scratch, but he types slow as hell for someone fifteen years younger than me. Good night Doc, don’t steal anymore pens. I know she’ll be your accomplice.” Rockford nods, gives you a smile and once at the doorway, cuts his eyes at Kira before leaving. Your friend slides by Tim as he exits and plops down across from you and snickering.

“Did the famed detective get a bit pissed at me because I came between him and his dear Doc? For shame and I guess I did know you were taking his pens. To be fair, I did tell you to stop several times.” She playfully tapped her own hand as if she was being reprimanded. You sat back in your chair and shook your head. She’s been teasing you about this for as long as you had stolen that man’s pens well after. Tim didn’t tease you as much anymore. Well, sometimes, but only when you got in the car and he asked to see your hands to make sure you didn’t remove anything from his glove box or console.

“Could you just drop it? Please…what did you come here for Kim?”.

“I came to remind you that this weekend is our friend’s engagement party. And before you start,” Kim reached out and took hold of Doc’s hand, “you’ve RSVPed, we bought an outfit a few weeks ago just for this party theme and I could give this back to one such man in a trench coat after you go.” Kim’s free hand exposed a little black book that Tim often carried everywhere for his notes. Your eyes are wide, it’s bad enough about the pens but it’s a funny joke now. His book?!

“Dammit Kim, you need to give it back now!” Kim is shocked at your growl and lets go of your hand, holding tighter to the book.

“No. You give it to him and say it fell out of his pocket or something. He has fifty places in that trench coat I could have been. I honestly think he likes it when you take his stuff.” She stood up and so did you, were you really going to fight her over this man’s book? “The fact that you’re this upset, proves my point. You need to talk to him, stop just watching him, have him take you to a place where you order and eat inside and maybe go to your place or his and-”

“Don’t finish that sentence. Just give me the book and maybe he won’t push for me to resign or be in a different county or something for harassment.” Your hands are on your head, running through how badly this could go. No matter how nice Tim is, taking that book is almost as bad as taking his tie or holsters. It’s a part of him. Though it would be kinda cool if you held it for a minute. No…no. You can’t go into that rabbit hole. That is reserved for when you’re in your apartment in your PJs and are sipping on some hot chocolate with some cookies.

“You just need to bone….be on the desk and bone…maybe he keeps the trench coat on while you bone…I know he’s wearing the holsters when you bone…maybe you pull the hair he still has while you bone…you grab his biceps while you bone…”. Kim is singing horribly off key and if you weren’t so frustrated and anxious you’d tell her to shut it. But you need a laugh to release the tension in your body so you do, doubled over on your desk. Kim drops the black book before you and kisses your forehead.

“You just need a push to talk to him and you're already a bit of a thief. Just slip his book in his car the next time you two eat and talk to him. It’s not like people in the department don’t date. That’s how the captain met his wife.” She pats your head. “They fought over a stapler, she threw it at him. He said she had an excellent throwing arm. Love was in the air.” Kim did a jazz hand flourish and you look up, rolling your eyes.

“I would rather not be violent with the man. And I will not…bone him. Gah, you made me say it.” You shake your head and sit back and sigh. “Just please don’t push it. Can I just stay in my safe little bubble, please? Daydream about the man, why can’t I do that? Why will you not let me do that?”

Kim sat back down and crossed her arms, sucking her teeth, “Real talk right now Doc. It’s not your job title that keeps you from talking to Tim. It’s that you’re scared that he might actually reciprocate your feelings and you may have to be in a relationship with a grown man with baggage, can hold a conversation with you and will be able to hold it down in the bedroom.” Your hands cover your face. You’re not discussing this at work. No…but you are. “Stop acting like you haven’t thought about it.” Kim laughs at your discomfort and embarrassment, but pauses to sneak a peek at her phone. “I would drop more truth bombs at you but I have to go. Tony’s here to pick me up. I will see you tomorrow and this weekend. Maybe one day you’ll have your detective use his investigative skills under a dress like that.”

“Please go to Tony before I have to call and tell him you're on my slab.”

“You’re too busy trying to find a way into a trench coat to worry about murdering me. Take care getting home.”

“I will never tell you anything again. Good night.”

Part One

Part Three

Keen moots who may want the trench coat on with nothing else 🧥:

@alltheglitterandtheroar @sin-djarin @morallyinept @yorksgirl @bitchwitch1981 @heareball @megamindsecretlair @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @magpiepills @yorksgirl @mysterious-moonstruck-musings @avastrasposts @clawdee @pascalsanctuary @readingiskeepingmegoing @rhoorl @inept-the-magnificent @grogusmum @agentjackdaniels @pedroshotwifey @laurfilijames @frenchiereading

#pedro pascal characters #fanfiction #pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #tim rockford #tim rockford fanfiction #Tim Rockford x plus size OFC #Rock & Doc #trench coat #thieves #A Nerdie fic

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lemmyloop · 8 months ago

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Freezer Paper Stencils

Do you ever need to paint a design onto your fabric, but don’t want to try and free hand the design? Freezer paper stncils may be the answer for you! They are an easy technique and they use items that you may already have around your home. Painting directly on to fabric can be scary, but I’ve had a lot of luck with stencils. I like them as a cheap alternative to buying something like a Cricut to cut designs from HTV. It also has a unique look! I made the designs below using freezer paper stencils.

Supplies Needed:

Freezer Paper

Pencil/Pen for Tracing

Xacto Knife/Scissors

Paint

And of course the fabric that you want to paint designs on!

Freezer paper is a kitchen supply that you might already have on hand! One side has regular paper texture, but the other side is slightly waxy! The idea is to trace the design onto the paper Sadie and then iron it on to the frantic. The wax will melt and stick to the fabric, but it is a loose adhesive and the stencil can easily be pealed off.

Step 1:

Draw or trace your design on to the freezer paper.

Step 2:

Carefully cut out the inside of the design. The cleaner your cuts on the stencil, the cleaner your end product will be. If you make a mistake you may want to start over as paint can bleed through any knicks or tears.

Step 3:

Iron the freezer paper waxy side down onto your fabric. Be sure that the paper doesn’t wrinkle when applying it. You may also want to turn off any steam settings that your iron has.

Step 4:

Once the stencil is in place, paint on the fabric! I like to go very slowly and gently so that no paint seeps through beneath the freezer paper.

Step 5:

Remove the freezer paper! You should be left with a beautifully crisp design.

Extra tips:

You may want to test this technique out on a scrap of the fabric to see how the paint behaves with the stencil and the fabric. Depending on your paint it will act differently and you will want to know how it works before putting it on your actual project!

This technique works best when you have more freezer paper. The greater the surface area of the paper, the better the adhesion. Small pieces of paper may peal away too easily.

Sometimes when you peal away the paper it may leave a white residue. To remove this take some scotch tape, or clear packing tape and dab the residue with the sticky side. This will pull off what was left behind.

If your stencil overlaps any seams or darts this may cause problems while painting on the fabric. Use extra care so that the paint doesn’t smear into the crevices

#cosplay #tutorial #lemmyloop

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smokingaccessoriesblog · 1 year ago

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How to Find a Trusted Online Smoke Shop: 4 Tips to Know

Finding a trusted online smoke shop is a challenge; after all, it can be a deal breaker. If you do not find the right smoking accessories, the much-anticipated experience can be a disaster. With the advancement of technology, brick-and-mortar shops are going online. From an online smoke shop in UK, you can find accessories from water pipes to dab rigs.

Ergo, you can expect an excellent collection of smoking devices online. Now, if you are someone who has been wanting to purchase smoking devices and accessories from the comfort of your home, an online source is just perfect. However, you need to keep in mind a few things before making the final decision. Let's check out the tips mentioned below!

Quality Matters

A good smoke shop prioritises quality; hence, this determines the service of the shop. Quality smoking devices and accessories last a longer period. Plus, you can see a detailed product description before buying the items. This is the perfect way to understand the features and specifications before making the right decision.

If you choose a trusted smoke shop, you can stay assured of a quality range. You can also compare the prices and find a vaping pen or disposable vape according to your budget.

Look for a Wide Range

You can find online smoke shops in abundance, but how do you know which one you can invest in? A convenient smoking experience is everyone looks forward to. So, you need to choose one that offers the maximum variety.

Finding a shop with a limited range is not something you would expect. But getting the perfect smoking devices and accessories will always ensure value for money along with satisfaction. Once you visit an online smoke shop in the UK, make sure to take a glance at the variety.

Understand the Terminology

If you are a beginner, you may feel confused seeing the lingo. It is important to get the hang of those words whether you are buying a pipe or palm wrap. If you fail to understand the terms, it will be a challenge to comprehend the rules and regulations.

This also means that you are following the rules and regulations. Anything being sold in the smoke shop should be legal. And when you are typing on the search bar, you may refrain from using the word "bong". Instead, you can use waterpipes. It's best to gain knowledge before using the term.

Enjoy the Convenience

When buying online, you must be looking after convenience. If you choose an online smoke shop, you can access the ease of the shop being open 24x7.

When finding a trusted seller, you should look for a shop offering free delivery across the UK. Some shops also provide new-joiner discounts. If a shop has loyalty programs, you should keep it in mind.

Last-minute Thoughts

Even if a smoke shop looks fantastic on paper, the online reviews speak the truth. Do research online to find reviews from previous customers and shape your expectations accordingly.

You can find quality smoke accessories on Olivastu. For a quality range, check out the website now!

#Online smoke shop in UK

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yourfirstideas · 5 months ago

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Exploring Top Cannabis Vape Brands: Why You Should Read 'Bossy Carts Vs. Dab Carts: Guide to the Best THC Vapes of 2023'

As we delve headlong into the exciting world of cannabis vape pens, this comprehensive guide that we found on MMJ sheds light on the showdown between Bossy Carts and Dab Carts. So, whether you're a seasoned vaper or a first-timer, you'll find an ocean of practical information to help you make informed decisions.

Unveiling the Thematic Clash

Bossy Carts and Dab Carts remain top contenders in the race for the best weed pen brands of 2023. The write-up brilliantly articulates the distinct features, benefits, and drawbacks of each. Whether it be about their structure, usability, potency, or cost-effectiveness, this guide lays down everything in easy-to-understand terms.

Distilling the Best THC Vape Pens of 2023

The post doesn't stop at just the comparison. A compiled list of the top THC vapes of 2023 is also part of this comprehensive guide. For enthusiasts who are always on the hunt for the next best thing in the cannabis vaping realm, this list is pure gold.

Learn about the essential factors while buying weed pen brands

garner insights about the best THC vapes and why they stand out

Understand better the core differences between Bossy Carts and Dab Carts

Thus, this resourceful read on MMJ comes highly recommended as your ultimate guide for the top weed pen brands and best THC vapes of 2023.

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potsmart · 9 months ago

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The Skinny on Cannabis Oil: Effects and Benefits

Cannabis oil is a form of extract produced from the Cannabis plant. It’s typically made by extracting the plant’s resins and essential oils using a solvent like alcohol or carbon dioxide. This can be done with either dried or fresh cannabis leaves and buds. The resulting oil is then strained through an additional solvent-free process to ensure purity.

Cannabis oil can be consumed as a tincture or used in cooking. Preclinical evidence shows that cannabis oil has many potential health benefits, including treating autism and providing pain relief. It also has potent anti-inflammatory properties and may ease anxiety and help with sleep issues.

State medical marijuana laws typically allow patients to buy and use cannabis oil. However, patients should always check with a healthcare professional before using any form of cannabis to treat health issues.

In this article, we’ll answer the question: what are the benefits of cannabis oil? We’ll also discuss where to find it and the possible health benefits of cannabis oil and where to find the best cannabis oil in Canada.

What Is Cannabis Oil?

Marijuana oil is a concentrated product obtained from the Cannabis sativa plant. It contains high levels of THC, which is the primary psychoactive component in cannabis. Cannabis oil is made through a process called solvent extraction, where cannabinoids and terpenes are extracted from the plant matter. The resulting oil is then strained and refined to remove any residual solvents. The final product contains high levels of THC and other cannabinoids, as well as terpenes such as limonene, pinene and caryophyllene.

THC oils are a potent form of cannabis concentrates. They contain high levels of THC and low levels of CBD, or no CBD at all. These oils are typically used for recreational purposes, providing a strong psychoactive effect when consumed. THC oils can also be used medicinally, but they’re commonly prescribed in small doses to treat specific health conditions.

It’s important to note that cannabis oil differs from Cannabidiol CBD oil, which contains no THC. Cannabidiol CBD won’t get you high like THC oil, but it can still positively affect your health—especially when taken as an edible product instead of smoked or vaporized.

How Do You Use Cannabis Oil?

The most common way to consume cannabis oil is by taking it orally with a dropper under the tongue. This allows the active compounds in the oil to be absorbed into your bloodstream quickly.

When applied topically, cannabis oil is used as a balm or lotion. This allows it to penetrate deep into the skin and deliver the health benefits of the cannabis plant directly to problem areas —such as sore muscles or aching joints.

Some people choose to smoke or vaporize cannabis oil. This is done by using a vape pen or a dabbing rig. The oil is placed on a piece of metal and heated up with a lighter until it turns into vapour. This method of taking cannabis oil isn’t recommended for first-time users because it can take some practice to get right.

We should mention that when using medical cannabis oil for conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder, inflammatory and neuropathic pain, multiple sclerosis or muscle spasticity, it’s best to start with small doses and increase them slowly over time as your body adjusts. This is especially important if you use a high-THC product, as it can cause anxiety and paranoia at higher doses.

Benefits…

A lot of lab-tested benefits have been observed when using cannabis oil.

Some of the health benefits of cannabis oil include:

Cannabis Oil For Chronic Pain

Cannabis oil has been found to help relieve chronic pain. This is one of the most common uses for cannabis oil. It’s said to be an effective remedy for various types of pain, including neuropathic pain, muscle spasms, joint pain, migraines and other types of headaches. It’s thought that this is due to the compounds in cannabis called cannabinoids, which have an analgesic effect on the body. People who have chronic conditions that cause pain often use cannabis oil as an alternative treatment option.

Improved mood and mental health

Cannabis oil has also improved mood, reduced post-traumatic stress disorder, and reduced anxiety. This is partly because it has a relaxing effect on the mind and body. It can also help people with depression or bipolar disorder feel less depressed and anxious. It’s thought that cannabis interacts with the endocannabinoid system through receptors in the brain called cannabinoid receptors, which play a role in regulating mood.

Better brain function and memory

Cannabis oil can help improve memory, concentration and attention span. It may also reduce the risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease or other forms of dementia.

It’s not yet clear how this works, but it’s thought that the compounds in cannabis interact with receptors in the brain called CB1 receptors, which play an essential role in regulating memory, learning and movement.

Improved digestion and appetite control

Cannabis oil may also help improve digestion, which can help with body weight loss and prevent conditions such as irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). It’s also been shown to increase appetite, which could be helpful for those who have trouble eating enough due to illness or other factors.

Cancer-fighting properties

Studies suggest that cannabis oil is a potential anticancer drug. It is used in cancer treatment to ease cancer pain associated with chemotherapy and radiation.

In some studies, the active chemicals in cannabis have been shown to slow the growth of cancer cells. They may also help prevent cancer from spreading. For example, a study found that combining THC, CBD, and other cannabinoids effectively kills cancer cells without affecting healthy cells. Another study found that combining cannabis oil with radiation therapy helped kill glioma brain tumours.

Effects…

Despite the potential uses of medical cannabis oil, it’s important to note that there could be some serious adverse effects. Also, the effects of medical cannabis oil on the body can vary from person to person, so it’s essential to be aware of any changes in mood or behaviour that might indicate an adverse reaction.

Common adverse effects to expect include:

Dizziness

Nausea

Headaches

Dry mouth

Red eyes

In conclusion…

Cannabis oil is a natural remedy for many conditions. For example, Healthline media websites claim that cannabis oil can be used for high blood pressure, cancer treatment, chronic pain, anxiety disorders, Lennox Gastaut Syndrome, tuberous sclerosis complex, and more.

However, despite the potential benefits of cannabis oil and its increasing popularity among patients, further research is needed to ascertain the full impact of this treatment option and whether it can be used in place of other medications.

Where to Buy THC Oil and CBD Oils…

THC and Cannabidiol extracts sold online are often mixed with carrier oil such as coconut oil or hemp seed oil. These oils are typically sold in bottles containing a couple of hundred millilitres of liquid, which can last for weeks or even months, depending on the frequency of use. THC oil is usually sold in smaller bottles that contain anywhere from 5 to 15 millilitres (mL).

Buy cannabis oil online at here. In addition,��Potsmart can direct you to a wide variety of cannabis oils and weed edibles available, including CBD oil, THC oil, shatter and more. Browse our selection and buy weed online in Canada today!

By Rico Suave, for Potsmart

#Cannabis #Cannabis Concentrates #Cannabis Lifestyle #Concentrates #Health #Mental Health

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big-sur-cannabotanicals · 1 year ago

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How to Order Cannabis Online in California

A Complete Guide to Navigating California Dispensaries Menus and Online Shopping

As the legalization of cannabis continues to gain momentum across the United States, California remains at the forefront of the cannabis revolution. With many products and services, ordering cannabis online in California has become a convenient and discreet option for many consumers.

In this blog, we will explore the step-by-step process of ordering cannabis online in California and how to navigate through the California dispensary's menu to find the perfect products for your needs.

The Legal Landscape of Cannabis in California

Before delving into ordering cannabis online, it is crucial to understand the legal framework governing cannabis in California. In 2016, the state passed Proposition 64, which legalized the recreational use of cannabis for adults aged 21 and older. This landmark legislation also allowed for the establishment of licensed dispensaries throughout the state, where consumers can purchase various cannabis products.

Finding a Reputable Online Dispensary

The first step in ordering cannabis online in California is to find a reputable and licensed online dispensary. A simple online search will yield numerous options, but it is essential to verify the legitimacy of the dispensary to ensure that you are buying from a trusted source. Look for dispensaries with positive customer reviews and transparent licensing and product sourcing information.

Creating an Account

Once you have selected a reputable online dispensary, the next step is to create an account on their website. This process typically involves providing basic personal information and verifying your age to ensure compliance with state regulations. Rest assured that reputable dispensaries take privacy and security seriously, so your information should be protected.

Browsing the California Dispensaries Menu

After creating an account, you gain access to the dispensary's website, including their California dispensaries menu. This menu is essentially a comprehensive list of all the cannabis products they offer, ranging from different strains of flowers to edibles, concentrates, and more. Take your time exploring the menu, as it can be pretty extensive, and read product descriptions to understand each item's potency, effects, and flavors.

Understanding Cannabis Product Categories

You'll encounter various product categories as you navigate the California dispensaries menu. Here's a brief overview of some common categories you might find:

a. Flowers: Cannabis flowers, also known as buds, are the most traditional form of cannabis consumption. They come in various strains, each with distinct flavors, aromas, and effects.

b. Edibles: Cannabis-infused food products, such as gummies, chocolates, and cookies, are known as edibles. They offer a discreet and tasty way to consume cannabis.

c. Concentrates: Concentrates are highly potent extracts of cannabis, available in forms like wax, shatter, and oils. They are typically used for vaping or dabbing.

d. Vapes: Cannabis vape cartridges and pens allow for a smoke-free consumption experience and come in various strains and flavors.

e. Topicals: Cannabis-infused lotions, balms, and creams are used for localized relief without inducing psychoactive effects.

Checking Product Details and Reviews

As you find products pique your interest on the California dispensaries menu, click on each item to access more detailed information. Check the THC and CBD content and any other relevant product details. Moreover, read customer reviews and ratings to understand the product's quality and effectiveness.

Adding Products to Your Cart

Once you've selected, add the desired products to your online shopping cart. Most online dispensaries will allow you to review your cart before proceeding to the checkout page. This is an excellent time to double-check your order and make necessary adjustments.

Placing Your Order

With your cart filled and reviewed, it's time to proceed to the checkout. During this step, you'll likely need to provide payment information and choose your preferred delivery method. Reputable dispensaries offer secure payment options; some even accept cash on delivery (COD) for added convenience.

Delivery Options and Discretion

California dispensaries typically offer various delivery options to cater to different needs. Some offer same-day or next-day delivery, while others might have scheduled delivery windows. Additionally, many dispensaries prioritize discreet packaging to maintain customer privacy.

Enjoying Responsibly

Once your order arrives, remember to consume cannabis responsibly and comply with state regulations. Start with a small dose, especially if you are new to cannabis or trying a new product. Always store cannabis products out of reach of children and pets.

To conclude

Ordering cannabis online in California has never been easier, thanks to the growing number of licensed dispensaries and their user-friendly websites. Following the steps outlined in this guide, you can explore the vast California dispensary menu, find products that suit your preferences, and have them conveniently delivered to your doorstep.

Remember to prioritize safety, legality, and responsible consumption as you navigate the world of cannabis in California. Happy shopping, and enjoy your cannabis experience responsibly!

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flower-power-botanicals · 2 years ago

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What Is Cannabis Shatter?

Cannabis has been used for thousands of years for medicinal and recreational purposes. In recent years, there has been an increase in the popularity of concentrated cannabis products, including cannabis shatter. In this article, we will explore what cannabis shatter is, how it is made, and where you can buy cannabis shatter.

What is Cannabis Shatter?

Cannabis shatter is a type of cannabis concentrate that is made by extracting the cannabinoids and terpenes from the cannabis plant. It is a translucent, brittle substance that resembles a sheet of shattered glass, hence the name "shatter."

Cannabis shatter is known for its high potency, which can range from 70% to 90% THC. This makes it one of the most potent forms of cannabis available. It is important to note that cannabis shatter is not intended for beginners, as its high potency can be overwhelming for some users.

How is Cannabis Shatter Made?

Cannabis shatter is made through a process called extraction. During the extraction process, the cannabinoids and terpenes are isolated and concentrated into a highly potent form.

The most common extraction methods used to make cannabis shatter are butane extraction and CO2 extraction. Butane extraction involves using butane as a solvent to extract the desired compounds from the plant material. The butane is then evaporated, leaving behind a sticky, resinous substance that is further processed to create cannabis shatter.

CO2 extraction, on the other hand, uses carbon dioxide as a solvent to extract the cannabinoids and terpenes. This method is considered safer than butane extraction, as it does not involve the use of flammable solvents.

Once the cannabinoids and terpenes have been extracted, they are further processed to create cannabis shatter. This involves purging the extract of any remaining solvents or impurities, resulting in a clean, pure product.

How to Use Cannabis Shatter

Cannabis shatter can be consumed in a variety of ways. The most common method of consumption is dabbing. Dabbing involves heating a small amount of cannabis shatter on a hot surface, usually a nail or banger, and inhaling the vapor that is produced.

Another popular method of consumption is vaping. Cannabis shatter can be added to a vape pen or cartridge and vaporized for inhalation. This method is often preferred by those who are looking for a more discreet way to consume cannabis.

Cannabis shatter can also be added to food or drinks, although this method of consumption is less common. When adding cannabis shatter to food or drinks, it is important to remember that it is a highly potent product and should be used sparingly.

Where to Buy Cannabis Shatter

If you are interested in trying cannabis shatter, it is important to purchase it from a reputable source. There are many online retailers that offer cannabis shatter for sale, but it is important to do your research and only buy from a trusted vendor.

When looking to buy cannabis shatter, it is important to consider factors such as quality, purity, and potency. You should also consider the price, as cannabis shatter can be quite expensive.

One of the best ways to ensure that you are buying high-quality cannabis shatter is to look for products that have been lab tested. Lab testing ensures that the product is free of harmful contaminants and accurately labeled in terms of potency.

You can also look for reviews and testimonials from other users to get a better idea of the quality of the product. Additionally, it is a good idea to buy from a vendor that offers a satisfaction guarantee or return policy, as this can give you peace of mind when trying a new product.

In conclusion, cannabis shatter is a highly potent form of cannabis concentrate that is made through a process of extraction.

#cannabis shatter #cannabis concentrates

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sovaping · 2 years ago

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Buy Vape Kits Online - Quality & Affordable Selection

Introduction

Vaping is quickly becoming a popular way to enjoy your favorite nicotine and flavors. To make vaping enjoyable, it’s important to buy quality vape kits from trusted vendors. Luckily, there are now several reliable and affordable sources for vaping supplies online. In this blog post, we’ll look at what makes a good vape kit and how you can find the best deals when shopping for vape kits online. We’ll also discuss why it’s important to buy from reliable suppliers, so you have peace of mind knowing your purchase is safe and high quality. Get ready to learn more about buying vape kits online!

The Different Types of Vape Kits Available

If you're looking to buy vape kits online, you'll be presented with a wide range of options to choose from. Here's a quick guide to the different types of vape kits available so that you can make an informed decision about which one is right for you: 1. Starter Kits: These are designed for those who are new to vaping and want an all-in-one solution that's easy to use. Starter kits usually include a battery, charger, and clearomizer tank, and some also come with pre-filled cartridges. 2. Vape Pens: Vape pens are slender, pen-shaped devices that are very easy to use. They typically have a built-in battery and clearomizer tank, and some models allow you to use refillable tanks. 3. Box Mods: Box mods are more advanced than starter kits and vape pens, offering greater control over your vaping experience. They usually have a removable battery, and some models allow you to use different atomizers and tanks. 4. Herbal Vaporizers: These vaporizers are designed for use with dry herbs and provide a convenient way to enjoy the benefits of herbal therapy without smoking. Herbal vaporizers usually have a chamber for holding the herbs, as well as a heating element that heats the herbs to release their active ingredients into the air. 5. E-Nails: E-nails are designed for use with dab rigs or bongs, and offer

Why Buy a Vape Kit?

If you're considering making the switch from smoking to vaping, or if you're just starting out on your vaping journey, you might be wondering why you should buy a vape kit. Here are four reasons why investing in a quality vape kit is a smart move: 1. Vape kits provide everything you need to get started. When you buy a vape kit, you'll get all the essential components in one package. This includes the battery, atomizer, charger, and e-liquid. This means that you won't have to worry about compatibility issues or tracking down all the separate parts yourself. 2. Vape kits offer better value for money. Buying a vape kit is often more cost-effective than buying each of the components separately. This is because manufacturers usually offer discounts when you buy a complete set. In addition, most kits include high-quality items that would be more expensive to purchase individually. 3. Vape kits make it easy to upgrade your setup. As your vaping needs change over time, it's easy to upgrade your vape kit with new parts and accessories. This flexibility means that you can always have the latest and greatest gear without having to start from scratch every time something new comes out. 4. Vape kits give you peace of mind. When you buy a quality vape kit from a reputable source, you can be confident that you're getting a safe and reliable product. This is important

For More Info:-

Vape Kits Sale Online South Africa

Shop Vape Kits Online South Africa

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buzzbox · 2 years ago

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If I'm in Portland, Oregon Is There a Good Marijuana Dispensary Near Me?

Marijuana is becoming increasingly popular and accepted in many areas of the US, including Oregon. With the surge in demand for cannabis-related products and services, it's no surprise that dispensaries are popping up all over Oregon. If you're in Portland, Oregon, there are plenty of good marijuana dispensaries near you to choose from.

At Buzz Box Dispensary, we provide customers with quality products at competitive prices at cannabis dispensary Oregon. Our selection includes flower, concentrates, edibles, topicals and tinctures. We even have a variety of accessories such as pipes, dab rigs and vape pens. As well as being able to buy these items directly from us online or in store. Our knowledgeable staff is always available to answer any questions you may have regarding our products or services.

Aside from the wide range of cannabis products we offer at Buzz Box Dispensary, we also strive to provide an outstanding customer experience. Our staff is trained to be knowledgeable about cannabis related topics and can help customers find the perfect product for their needs. We take pride in providing exceptional customer service and making sure that everyone who visits us has a positive experience. We also strive to ensure that every person who leaves our shop is satisfied with their purchase by offering a 30-day money back guarantee if for any reason you are unhappy with your purchase.

At Buzz Box Dispensary we understand that each individual’s needs when it comes to marijuana use can be unique and complex so we make sure that we stay up-to-date on the latest developments within the industry so that we can best serve our customers’ needs. We believe in providing only top quality cannabis products while still remaining affordable so everyone can enjoy them without worrying about breaking the bank.

If you live in Portland, Oregon or are just visiting then Buzz Box Dispensary should be your go-to spot for all things marijuana related! From top quality flowers and concentrates to edibles, topicals and tinctures there's something for everyone here at Buzz Box Dispensary! With our knowledgeable staff ready to assist you on finding the perfect product for your needs along with our 30 day money back guarantee you can't go wrong when shopping with us! Stop by today and see why people consider us one of the best marijuana dispensaries near you!

Originally Published at - https://63c0023104861.site123.me/blog/if-i-m-in-portland-oregon-is-there-a-good-marijuana-dispensary-near-me

#marijuana dispensary near me #cannabis dispensary Oregon

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covvchop · 2 years ago

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youtube

Nail Art Pens Are Simple Design Helpers for the Fingernail

Do you consider how ladies can get those designs on their fingertips? One of the instruments click here used to make the art is known as a nail art pen. It's very simple to utilize nearly anybody with a consistent hand can make it happen.

These pens are truly perfect to utilize on the off chance that you need to make a mathematical design, letters, lines or botanical designs to the nail on the grounds that the tip is static so it gives you the control to make sharp edges. The tip of the pen considers exact designs to be made absent a lot of mistake.

There's a wide range of sorts of pens. For the designer who might like two varieties in a single pen, there's the double variety nail art pen that has a variety on each side. Also, one more kind of double nail art pen has one side polish and the opposite side has the application brush. Dabbing pens are another sort that permits you to apply polka spots, circles or lines to be drawn on your nail.

You can likewise buy pens that have various kinds of polish. For instance, you can get gel pens that are entirely strong. It requires a long time for the polish to chip. What's more, obviously there's a plenty of various varieties to browse in nail polish and gel polish including sparkle.

This might knock your socks off however these pens are so reasonable. You can change your nail from exhausting to varied for just $7.00 for a singular cylinder to $20.00 for a kit of pens. All things considered most fundamental manicures cost $30.00 and up and you'll have the option to design art to your nails for under $10.00 in the event that you buy your own pen.

A brand of pen that has gotten a lot of consideration is the Migi pen. They are known for their more excellent and the range of types and varieties they give to the customer. A truly cool program they participate in is they will top off the buyers polish free of charge! Mind boggling, correct?

Prior to utilizing your pen, you should cover your nail with a base coat (ideally a light tone). After it dries totally, you are allowed to make your bloom, specks, numbers, letters or lines to give you a couple of thoughts! Make sure to stand by approximately 10 minutes for the polish to dry. You won't have any desire to smirch your piece of art.

#youtube

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nickdors · 2 years ago

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Tips On Buying Shatter Online

Shopping online for shatter is an easy way to save money on premium cannabis. However, there are a few things that you should know before you buy concentrates online. This article will explain how to find the best shatter online and how to store it correctly.

Can you eat shatter?

No matter if you're a novice or an experienced veteran of the cannabis scene there's a chance you've been wondering how to consume shatter. It could be by dabbing, smoking or ingestion, shatter is available in a variety of forms, with each method having its own advantages and drawbacks. You can visit our website best distillate.

Shatter is an extremely powerful product. But the problem is how to consume it? It is possible to make it at home but you will have to follow certain steps to get the best out of it.

The first step is to be aware of what exactly shatter is. Shatter is a highly concentrated extract of cannabis which usually has more THC than buds. It's made by mixing a solvent of your choice with cannabis extract.

Also, you will need to decide which place to smoke shatter. Smoking shatter is possible in a bong or joint. It is important to decide how often you will consume the substance.

Do you have to smoke shatter?

There are regulations that will determine the safety and quality of the shatter you break, based on the location you reside in. Many people are enthusiastic about this brand new way to get high, however some are hesitant.

To smoke shatter the smoke, you'll require an apparatus that is specifically designed for the task. There are numerous devices that can make this task significantly simpler.

Vape pen are the best method of smoking shatter. This kind of vape permits you to adjust the temperature of your shatter to achieve the perfect burning. It also lets you experience the full flavor of your concentrates.

Vaping is a reliable and discreet method of smoking shatter. But, it comes with negatives. The devices might not deliver the results you're hoping for due to their ineffective heating elements.

Can you order inexpensive shatter online from Canada?

You can buy cannabis concentrates for sale in many online dispensaries. They offer high-quality items at affordable costs.

Shatter is among the most well-known cannabis concentrates. It is created by extracting cannabinoids from the cannabis plant matter using butane gas. This ensures that cannabinoids are kept at their potency to the maximum.

There are many ways to use shatter. Many people use shatter to dab on or add to a bowl. The potency of shatter is generally four times more than cannabis buds. Shatter is shelf-stable, and can be kept for long periods of time without losing potency.

Shatter can also be evaporated. It's a fantastic method to experience the benefits of cannabis without having to consume the herb. This is an ideal method for those who are using medical cannabis to reap the therapeutic benefits.

How to properly store shatter

It is crucial to keep and purchase shatter online. It will help maintain the quality of the product. A proper storage method can ensure that you to enjoy the product for months, or even years. There are many mistakes that you need to avoid when storage your shatter.

Shatter storage is important. It is important to keep it out of direct sunlight. This is essential because light can degrade the quality of the item.

Side effects of THC in cannabis

Increasing evidence suggests that THC is the primary psychoactive component in cannabis, could cause risk in a number of adverse health outcomes. This includes impaired driving, increased risk of heart attacks, stroke and other cardiac diseases. The effects of marijuana vary from individual to individual and are dependent on the dosage.

THC is one example. It increases blood pressure and heart beat. The brain's cannabinoid receptors are linked to the drug. It alters the way we feel, including the perception of pleasure and pain. In addition, THC can interfere with the way that the endocannabinoid system communicates with neurons.

While these side effects can be uncomfortable, they are not necessarily fatal. Some people develop addiction to marijuana, and frequent consumption can cause negative health effects that last for a long time. To lessen the negative side effects, it is recommended to restrict your cannabis consumption.

Conclusion:

Positive and negative adverse side effects can be attributed with marijuana use. There are many benefits to marijuana use to treat ailments. However, you have be aware of the potential negative side negative effects. When you know the ways THC affects the body, you can make informed decisions about using cannabis therapeutically.

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mcmansionhell · 4 years ago

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Underground, Part 1

[Author’s Note: A year ago, when waiting for the DC Metro, I came up with an idea for a short story involving two realtors and the infamous Las Vegas Underground House, typed up an outline, and shoved it away in my documents where it sat neglected until this month. The house recently resurfaced on Twitter, and combined with almost a year of quarantine, the story quickly materialized. Though I rarely write fiction, I decided I’d give it a shot as a kind of novelty McMansion Hell post. I’ve peppered the story with photos from the house to break up the walls of text. Hopefully you find it entertaining. I look forward to returning next month with the second installment of this as well as our regularly scheduled McMansion content. Happy New Year!

Warning: there’s lots of swearing in this.]

Underground

Back in 1997, Mathieu Rino, the son of two Finnish mechanical engineers who may or may not have worked intimately with the US State Department, changed his name to Jay Renault in order to sell more houses. It worked wonders.

He gets out of the car, shuts the door harder than he should. Renault wrinkles his nose. It’s a miserable Las Vegas afternoon - a sizzling, dry heat pools in ripples above the asphalt. The desert is a place that is full of interesting and diverse forms of life, but Jay’s the kind of American who sees it all as empty square-footage. He frowns at the dirt dusting up his alligator-skin loafers but then remembers that every lot, after all, has potential. Renault wipes the sweat from his leathery face, slicks back his stringy blond hair and adjusts the aviators on the bridge of his nose. The Breitling diving watch crowding his wrist looks especially big in the afternoon glare. He glances at it.

“Shit,” he says. The door on the other side of the car closes, as though in response.

If Jay Renault is the consummate rich, out-of-touch Gen-Xer trying to sell houses to other rich, out-of-touch Gen-Xers, then Robert Little is his millennial counterpart. Both are very good at their jobs. Robert adjusts his tie in the reflection of the Porsche window, purses his lips. He’s Vegas-showman attractive, with dark hair, a decent tan, and a too-bright smile - the kind of attractive that ruins marriages but makes for an excellent divorcee. Mildly sleazy.

“Help me with these platters, will you?” Renault gestures, popping the trunk. Robert does not want to sweat too much before an open house, but he obliges anyway. They’re both wearing suits. The heat is unbearable. A spread of charcuterie in one hand, Jay double-checks his pockets for the house keys, presses the button that locks his car.

Both men sigh, and their eyes slowly trail up to the little stucco house sitting smack dab in the center of an enormous lot, a sea of gravel punctuated by a few sickly palms. The house has the distinct appearance of being made of cardboard, ticky-tacky, a show prop. Burnt orange awnings don its narrow windows, which somehow makes it look even more fake.

“Here we go again,” Jay mutters, fishing the keys out of his pocket. He jiggles them until the splintered plywood door opens with a croak, revealing a dark and drab interior – dusty, even though the cleaners were here yesterday. Robert kicks the door shut with his foot behind him.

“Christ,” he swears, eyes trailing over the terrible ecru sponge paint adorning the walls. “This shit is so bleak.”

The surface-level house is mostly empty. There’s nothing for them to see or attend to there, and so the men step through a narrow hallway at the end of which is an elevator. They could take the stairs, but don’t want to risk it with the platters. After all, they were quite expensive. Renault elbows the button and the doors part.

“Let’s just get this over with,” he says as they step inside. The fluorescent lights above them buzz something awful. A cheery metal sign welcomes them to “Tex’s Hideaway.” Beneath it is an eldritch image of a cave, foreboding. Robert’s stomach’s in knots. Ever since the company assigned him to this property, he’s been terrified of it. He tells himself that the house is, in fact, creepy, that it is completely normal for him to be ill at ease. The elevator’s ding is harsh and mechanical. They step out. Jay flips a switch and the basement is flooded with eerie light.

It’s famous, this house - The Las Vegas Underground House. The two realtors refer to it simply as “the bunker.” Built by an eccentric millionaire at the height of Cold War hysteria, it’s six-thousand square feet of paranoid, aspirational fantasy. The first thing anyone notices is the carpet – too-green, meant to resemble grass, sprawling out lawn-like, bookmarked by fake trees, each a front for a steel beam. Nothing can grow here. It imitates life, unable to sustain it. The leaves of the ficuses seem particularly plastic.

Bistro sets scatter the ‘yard’ (if one can call it that), and there’s plenty of outdoor activities – a parquet dance floor complete with pole and disco ball, a putt putt course, an outdoor grill made to look like it’s nestled in a rock, but in reality better resembles a baked potato. The pool and hot tub, both sculpted in concrete and fiberglass mimicking a natural rock formation, are less Playboy grotto and more Fred Flintstone. It’s a very seventies idea of fun.

Then, of course, there’s the house. That fucking house.

A house built underground in 1978 was always meant to be a mansard – the mansard roof was a historical inevitability. The only other option was International Style modernism, but the millionaire and his wife were red-blooded anti-Communists. Hence, the mansard. Robert thinks the house looks like a fast-food restaurant. Jay thinks it looks like a lawn and tennis club he once attended as a child where he took badminton lessons from a swarthy Czech man named Jan. It’s drab and squat, made more open by big floor-to-ceiling windows nestled under fresh-looking cedar shingles. There’s no weather down here to shrivel them up.

“Shall we?” Jay drawls. The two make their way into the kitchen and set the platters down on the white tile countertop. Robert leans up against the island, careful of the oversized hood looming over the electric stovetop. He eyes the white cabinets, accented with Barbie pink trim. The matching linoleum floor squeaks under his Italian loafers.

“I don’t understand why we bother doing this,” Robert complains. “Nobody’s seriously going to buy this shit, and the company’s out a hundred bucks for party platters.”

“It’s the same every time,” Renault agrees. “The only people who show up are Instagram kids and the crazies - you know, the same kind of freaks who’d pay money to see Chernobyl.”

“Dark tourism, they call it.”

Jay checks his watch again. Being in here makes him nervous.

“Still an hour until open house,” he mutters. “I wish we could get drunk.”

Robert exhales deeply. He also wishes he could get drunk, but still, a job’s a job.

“I guess we should check to see if everything’s good to go.”

The men head into the living room. The beamed, slanted ceiling gives it a mid-century vibe, but the staging muddles the aura. Jay remembers making the call to the staging company. “Give us your spares,” he told them, “Whatever it is you’re not gonna miss. Nobody’ll ever buy this house anyway.”

The result is eclectic – a mix of office furniture, neo-Tuscan McMansion garb, and stuffy waiting-room lamps, all scattered atop popcorn-butter shag carpeting. Hideous, Robert thinks. Then there’s the ‘entertaining’ room, which is a particular pain in the ass to them, because the carpet was so disgusting, they had to replace it with that fake wood floor just to be able to stand being in there for more than five minutes. There’s a heady stone fireplace on one wall, the kind they don’t make anymore, a hearth. Next to it, equally hedonistic, a full bar. Through some doors, a red-painted room with a pool table and paintings of girls in fedoras on the wall. It’s all so cheap, really. Jay pulls out a folded piece of paper out of his jacket pocket along with a pen. He ticks some boxes and moves on.

The dining room’s the worst to Robert. Somehow the ugly floral pattern on the curtains stretches up in bloomer-like into a frilly cornice, carried through to the wallpaper and the ceiling, inescapable, suffocating. It smells like mothballs and old fabric. The whole house smells like that.

The master bedroom’s the most normal – if anything in this house could be called normal. Mismatched art and staging furniture crowd blank walls. When someone comes into a house, Jay told Robert all those years ago, they should be able to picture themselves living in it. That’s the goal of staging.

There’s two more bedrooms. The men go through them quickly. The first isn’t so bad – claustrophobic, but acceptable – but the saccharine pink tuille wallpaper of the second gives Renault a sympathetic toothache. The pair return to the kitchen to wait.

Both men are itching to check their phones, but there’s no point – there’s no signal in here, none whatsoever. Renault, cynical to the core, thinks about marketing the house to the anti-5G people. It’s unsettlingly quiet. The two men have no choice but to entertain themselves the old-fashioned way, through small talk.

“It’s really fucked up, when you think about it,” Renault muses.

“What is?”

“The house, Bob.”

Robert hates being called Bob. He’s told Jay that hundreds of times, and yet…

“Yeah,” Robert mutters, annoyed.

“No, really. Like, imagine. You’re rich, you founded a major multinational company marketing hairbrushes to stay-at-home moms, and what do you decide to do with your money? Move to Vegas and build a fucking bunker. Like, imagine thinking the end of the world is just around the corner, forcing your poor wife to live there for ten, fifteen years, and then dying, a paranoid old man.” Renault finds the whole thing rather poetic.

“The Russkies really got to poor ol’ Henderson, didn’t they?” Robert snickers.

“The wife’s more tragic if you ask me,” Renault drawls. “The second that batshit old coot died, she called a guy to build a front house on top of this one, since she already owned the lot. Poor woman probably hadn’t seen sunlight in God knows how long.”

“Surely they had to get groceries.”

Jay frowns. Robert has no sense of drama, he thinks. Bad trait for a realtor.

“Still,” he murmurs. “It’s sad.”

“I would have gotten a divorce, if I were her,” the younger man says, as though it were obvious. It’s Jay’s turn to laugh.

“I’ve had three of those, and trust me, it’s not as easy as you think.”

“You’re seeing some new girl now, aren’t you?” Robert doesn’t really care, he just knows Jay likes to talk about himself, and talking fills the time.

“Yeah. Casino girl. Twenty-six.”

“And how old are you again?”

“None of your business.”

“Did you see the renderings I emailed to you?” Robert asks briskly, not wanting to discuss Jay’s sex life any further.

“What renderings?”

“Of this house, what it could look like.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Jay has not seen the renderings.

“If it were rezoned,” Robert continues, feeling very smart, “It could be a tourist attraction - put a nice visitor’s center on the lot, make it sleek and modern. Sell trinkets. It’s a nice parcel, close to the Strip - some clever investor could make it into a Museum of Ice Cream-type thing, you know?”

“Museum of Ice Cream?”

“In New York. It’s, not, like, educational or anything. Really, it’s just a bunch of colorful rooms where kids come to take pictures of themselves.”

“Instagram,” Jay mutters. “You know, I just sold a penthouse the other week to an Instagram influencer. Takes pictures of herself on the beach to sell face cream or some shit. Eight-point-two million dollars.”

“Jesus,” Robert whistles. “Fat commission.”

“You’re telling me. My oldest daughter turns sixteen this year. She’s getting a Mazda for Christmas.”

“You ever see that show, My Super Sweet Sixteen? On MTV? Where rich kids got, like, rappers to perform at their birthday parties? Every time at the end, some guy would pull up in, like, an Escalade with a big pink bow on it and all the kids would scream.”

“Sounds stupid,” Jay says.

“It was stupid.”

It’s Robert’s turn to check his watch, a dainty gold Rolex.

“Fuck, still thirty minutes.”

“Time really does stand still in here, doesn’t it?” Jay remarks.

“We should have left the office a little later,” Robert complains. “The charcuterie is going to get –“

A deafening sound roars through the house and a violent, explosive tremor throws both men on the ground, shakes the walls and everything between them. The power’s out for a few seconds before there’s a flicker, and light fills the room again. Two backup generators, reads Jay’s description in the listing - an appeal to the prepper demographic, which trends higher in income than non-preppers. For a moment, the only things either are conscious of are the harsh flourescent lighting and the ringing in their ears. Time slows, everything seems muted and too bright. Robert rubs the side of his face, pulls back his hand and sees blood.

“Christ,” he chokes out. “What the hell was that?”

“I don’t know,” Jay breathes, looking at his hands, trying to determine if he’s got a concussion. The results are inconclusive – everything’s slow and fuzzy, but after a moment, he thinks it might just be shock.

“It sounded like a fucking 747 just nosedived on top of us.”

“Yeah, Jesus.” Jay’s still staring at his fingers in a daze. “You okay?”

“I think so,” Robert grumbles. Jay gives him a cursory examination.

“Nothing that needs stitches,” he reports bluntly. Robert’s relieved. His face sells a lot of houses to a lot of lonely women and a few lonely men. There’s a muffled whine, which the two men soon recognize as a throng of sirens. Both of them try to calm the panic rising in their chests, to no avail.

“Whatever the fuck happened,” Jay says, trying to make light of the situation, “At least we’re in here. The bunker.”

Fear forms in the whites of Robert’s eyes.

“What if we’re stuck in here,” he whispers, afraid to speak such a thing into the world. The fear spreads to his companion.

“Try the elevator,” Jay urges, and Robert gets up, wobbles a little as his head sorts itself out, and leaves. A moment later, Jay hears him swear a blue streak, and from the kitchen window, sees him standing before the closed metal doors, staring at his feet. His pulse racing, Renault jogs out to see for himself.

“It’s dead,” Robert murmurs.

“Whatever happened,” Jay says cautiously, rubbing the back of his still-sore neck, “It must have been pretty bad. Like, I don’t think we should go up yet. Besides, surely the office knows we’re still down here.”

“Right, right,” the younger man breathes, trying to reassure himself.

“Let’s just wait it out. I’m sure everything’s fine.” The way Jay says it does not make Robert feel any better.

“Okay,” the younger man grumbles. “I’m getting a fucking drink, though.”

“Yeah, Jesus. That’s the best idea you’ve had all day.” Renault shoves his hands in his suit pocket to keep them from trembling.

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