#also wonder if anyone's hacked conquest

[savageboar]

tbh replaying pmdgti makes me curious if any good pmd rom hacks are out there

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

Speaking of that anon talking about fuckboys/fuckgirls (I just want to rant I hope you don’t mind), I’ve always wanted to have one-offs with people and fuck around but at the same time I would rather be with someone I’m comfortable with so I won’t mind exploring things with them. But ANOTHER thing about me is that I have horrible attachment issues :( When I’m interested in someone I would try to go out with them but when I do, I lose interest after like 3 months and it has been like this for all my past relationships (yikes). Not to mention how I struggle with communication with my partner ughhh

I personally am not the type to explore with someone who I intend on fucking once, unless they have a particular expertise in something, then of course I am interested in learning. However, they are usually the ones who want to experience me, so I am typically the one they are exploring with. People should do whatever feels right and it is much easier to feel in the moment than try to outline the conditions.

Concerning the second part, I used to wonder something similar about myself. My childhood was devoid of all affection; my parents only touched me to reprimand me (but I have hugged my father twice as an adult and he did, in fact, hug back, but any more than that would be fucking weird). Therefore, I would desperately get into relationships with people and find myself bored once conquest was achieved, especially sexually. I was also bad at showing affection (as you can imagine). They were all decent people, but at that time I was chasing the feeling rather than them, and those sorts of things never work out.

(Not saying this is you, btw, just saying I was in a similar-ish boat XD)

I learned that in order to communicate with people, I needed to communicate and be honest with myself. I very much need someone who desires to improve themselves as people but also sexually, maybe even to a competitive level (*cough*) or someone who appreciates intensity and passion I bring to sex, someone who can go with the flow and be the crashing waves to my everlasting flame (*cough cough cough*)

hold on, there's something in my throat, let me just-

(*HACK*)

whew, that's odd, well, um, anyway-

(back to being slightly serious)

When it comes to communication with a partner, you will have to find your own style and learn theirs. You can't assume they can read your mind (let's be honest, do you even know what's going on in there, you are reading this blog after all LOL). Once you understand your styles, you both can tackle the best ways you can improve communication together. Maybe you struggle with communication but maybe they also struggle to read your signs. "When I act like this, it means this" - these things seem obvious to you, but they might not be to someone else, you know? They can't know until you tell them (and probably a billion times XD). Vice-versa is also true, of course.

I wouldn't say two people need matching communication styles, but complementary ones. Often two harmonious partners who are in sync communicate in ways that make absolutely no sense to anyone but themselves LMAO but that's what makes it fun! :)

[vesperlionheart]

Lady of the Blackthorn Trees 3

Read it all on AO3 Birthday fic for @frostmarris​! It’s finished, happy belated my dear. I hope you enjoy. :D

Part 3

Sasori sniffed, inhaling the dust and ink scent that seemed to hang heaviest in the corners of the store. It was a nice smell, one he associated with only happy memories.

“The Sage of the Six Paths was a hack, you know that right?” Sakura huffed, leaning over his shoulder. Sasori was proud at how he didn’t flinch at the new proximity.

“There is still something to be harvested from the minds of madness,” he quoted.

Sakura sighed dramatically and all but danced away, curling to the opposite side of the low shelves. “You’ve learned too much from me. I have nothing more to teach you,” she sighed.

“And yet you keep me around because you enjoy my company,” Sasori said.

“Maybe.” Sakura shrugged and then pulled a different tome off the shelves. “I think this would suit your style more.”

Sasori accepted the new tome and smirked at the the title. “It’s not subtle,” he huffed before passing the book back.

“You don’t want it?”

“Grand Mage Chiyo was my grandmother, I know more than the author.”

Sakura flipped the book open and turned it around to show off. “But wouldn’t it be interesting to entertain the perspective of someone who wasn’t her family? You were about to read about a stupid hack who stole all his work and knowledge from his mother.”

“I don’t want to know what the lover of my wrinkled, old, dead grandmother has to say about the art of puppetry.” Sasori looked up from the worn spines and frowned at the picture Sakura had stopped at. “And I feel it would only frustrate me to read too many mistruths concerning her legacy.”

“Does that mean you’re not finishing your puppets?” Sakura asked, sounding as casual as ever while Sasori knew better.

Sakura would be far too delighted to see him building more Kugutsu dolls. The first few he had constructed in her tower delighted her even after falling apart from the mess of interwoven enchantments. Without augmenting himself he would never be able to manipulate the dolls to the degree he desired.

It was frustrating to have to watch his work constantly fall apart in front of her. Even after five years in her tower under her tutelage, Sasori still feel far too inadequate to show off his weaknesses where she could see them.  

He hadn’t been able to make perfect puppets since Orochimaru destroyed his ‘mother’ and ‘father’ dolls during the takeover. Even after growing and maturing, Sasori was frustrated about his regression in puppetry or the kugutsutsukai combat magic. It had once felt so natural to him, but now the magic steps fought him at every junction.

It just wasn’t worth the effort anymore, not when he was becoming such a proficient fire mage.

He tried not to think about the third shell that sat at the back of his study’s closet. The body was empty and bare, ready to be designed for his third attempt at a Kazekage model puppet.

“Well, it’s unfortunate that kugutsutsukai and puppetry are two areas where I am unable to assist you, as I have never been trained in the art form or tutored in its theories. I feel like there is little left for me to help you with,” Sakura sighed.

“You help me plenty,” he said.

“I take you places and tell you things you already know.”

“That’s not how I see our discussions.”

“It’s a bit intimidating how fast you picked things up. Five years in and you’re this proficient. It makes me wonder if I’m just that good of a teacher or were your previous instructors the reason for all that you’ve accomplished.”

Sasori smirked. “All I’ve accomplished. What have I done that’s worthy of such praise.”

“So many things.”

“Like what?” he pressed.

“You make the best breakfast out of anyone I know.”

He was caught between amusement and disappointment but, as was often the case with Sakura, ended up chuckling when he saw her face. It was almost unsettling how easily she swayed his dark heart to laughter.

But only her.  

“How many other mages do you have cooking breakfast for you to judge me by?”  he teased back.

“Not enough. I’m hungry now, so I’m going to go look for some pierogi in the market. Will you be much longer?” Sakura asked.

Sasori picked up the book on his grandmother and the other on the Sage of Six Paths, ignoring her knowing grin. “I’m already done here. Let’s pay and go together.”

It was the most natural thing in the world to come up alongside Sakura and guide her towards the front, where the counter waited for them. Sasori didn’t even notice it anymore when his hand found the small of her back and rested like a ghost there.

Sakura made seamless small talk with the book shop owner, inquiring about his family and the town itself while Sasori pulled out the money and counted it out. He was mindful to set aside enough money for a couple of marzipan pierogi-her favorite.

That’s when he noticed the black raven outside.

“Sakura, I wanted to run one more errand. Will you buy us our pastries and meet back our front?” Sasori asked, leaning in close to her ear and turning away from the raven to hide his lips.

Sakura felt the money Sasori tried pushing into her palm and pushed back. “I can pay for the both of us!” she huff. “Just tell me what you want.”

“It doesn’t matter. Get whatever you want.”

Sakura rolled her eyes. “Of course it matters. You want the cinnamon apple, I know you better than that. Don’t be long.”

Sakura took off first and Sasori collated the paper bag of his books and folded it under his arm, crinkling the protective paper before stepping out and heading a few shops south of where Sakura had turned.

The raven followed him.

“A year later and you’re still skulking in the shadows like a gargoyle.” Sasori stopped at the mouth of a natural alley between two homes. At the end of it Itachi was already human formed and brushing feathers off his shoulders.

“A year later and you’re still clinging to the cloak ends of her good graces,” Itachi smoothly retorted. He sounded as snooty and high born as ever. “At least I have a job.”

“What are you doing this time? I doubt Sakura could possibly be needed so soon after your last impromptu abduction.”

“Better than your silly shopping trips,” Itachi muttered before turning to glare at Sasori more directly. “Until how long do you plan to stay at her side? It’s about time you moved on. The Golden Sands are as far from here as they are vast.”

Sasori sneered. “You make it sound like I should want to return to that homely sandbox.”

“You’re a leech.”

“I’m also all but done with this conversation, so if you want to do something more than throw half baked and mediocre insults at my face, say something I haven’t heard before.”

“You should move on before someone moves you,” Itachi said, dark eyes flashing red in the dark where he stood. “Realize what’s good for you and for her.”

“I don’t think I will.”

Itachi drew back his shoulders and his entire frame rippled with passive magic as he glared at the redhead. The action wasn’t unfamiliar, the Uchiha was channeling subtle magic into his eyes in a n attempt to intimidate. Sasori brushed off the action and fixed Itachi with an unimpressed look, above such base cantrips.

“You don’t think you have enemies that wouldn’t love to see you suffer and all your near ones too?” Itachi taunted.

There was a new undertone of assuredness to Itachi words that unsettled Sasori. “You know nothing.”

“Do I, Sasori of the Red Sands?”

The title was one from his princely days, back when he was heir to the falcon throne under his grandfather Ebizo. All who would one day sit upon the throne and wear the headless of their king took up a title to replace their last name. The royals had no simple last names, but earned their titles through conquest or action. The red sands were a testimony to all Sasori had warred for and bled for.

Plenty of people had once known his title back home, but on this strange new continent he was nothing more than a bum and a vagrant someone picked up off the street. How did Itachi know anything?

“You’re speaking of useless things now,” Sasori said. He wished he was back in the bookshop with Sakura, or in line to buy food. He didn’t need a title or a throne, he just…needed her.

“Don’t bring her into your messes thinking you can use her to our own ends. Our council will take a very dim look on things if Sakura dares to meddle in foreign affairs without the empire’s approval. I would not take it well if Sakura’s prospects or reputation suffered because of you.”

“I have no intention of allowing that to happen. I’ve cut ties with my old homeland.”

“But has it cut ties with you?”

Sasori growled lowly. “I’m done with you, retched corvid. Leave before Sakura returns and sees you in all your disgrace.”

“Leave her.”

“I refuse.”

Itachi’s eyes flashed a brilliant red, brighter than fire and thicker than blood. “I won’t let you be if this tarnishes her. Take my advice and move on before that happens.”

Sasori didn’t respond, nor did he flinch as Itachi dissolved into raven feathers.

-

Sakura awoke suddenly, tasing blood on her tongue and damp from a cold sweat. She had bitten through her tongue in her sleep and needed to heal it again. With practiced ease, she calmed her breathing and centered her focus on something to help ground her in the moment.

It was just a nightmare.

Sakura spit out the blood from her mouth and then sat up the rest of the way, realizing she had passed out again in the observatory. She was setting a bad example for Sasori. The huge ass telescope was for studying the stars, not getting drunk and passing out under.

When she moved to stand up her fingers brushed against the letter and crinkled its edge. With a groan she pulled it up to straighten out and reread. A drunk night and some nightmares hadn’t helped with the weight of her developing situation.

Half a century ago she had grown her tower and accepted subjection to the emperor because it was the easiest thing to do. She was world weary and wanted a subdued life after all the damn war and loss. With the right negotiations she could have that within the empire, the only downside to such an arrangement was being necessarily summoned for the random magical puzzle or problem she was contractually obligated to see to. For years it had never been an issue, until the second clause of her obligations was invoked.

“What do they think they’re going to win with this war? Those lands would be useless to anyone other than the tribes.” Sakura tossed the letter aside. “This dynasty is a mess. It might be time to cut and run.”

It wouldn’t be the first time she had uprooted herself and fled across the continent to somewhere just as fast and far. Did Sasori know that her teacher after Tsunade was Chiyo? It had been a long time since she left Chiyo’s tutelage to return to Tsunade’s ancestral lands, but maybe it was time for a change of space.

Alternatively, she could go to somewhere new. There were far flung islands that were barely explored or cultivated. Maybe it would be fun to live on an island with dragon eating creatures for a spell. It would be exciting at the very least, but Sasori would probably miss his book shops.

Sakura stood and then paused as the thought echoed in her mind.

Sasori

Since when did she include him in thinking about her big life changes and decisions? Consciously she could admit that life was better with him around. He made her happy and kept her from being too bored. With his conversations every weekend she felt a little more alive and all their outings to markets and cities had been…the best…oh Sakura turned soft in her thoughts as an uncomfortable truth surfaced.

She liked Sasori. She wasn’t prepared to live her life without him and she wasn’t prepared to suffer through another war with him.

Oh no!

Sakura rubbed at her face and began to pace back and forth in front of the telescope. This was going to get her in trouble, this was such a bad idea. Did he know she liked him? Did he suspect? Is that why he had teased her and asked for a kiss? They lived together so many he noticed before she did-wait!

They lived together- and this was her house!

Yeah joked about being a ‘kept’ man or a giggle or whatever it was called these days, but she didn’t want him to feel unbalanced in this. She was plenty older and stronger, but he had phased into adulthood long ago, so the disparity in their ages wasn’t anything a magic user would look twice at. Plus he was sassy and confident enough around her to likely consider her more an advanced colleague than a teacher since this last year.

Sakura stopped pacing and summoned a decanter of something strong to help her wake up. In place of bourbon or rum the glass was filled with something dark and static. She drank it down and groaned at the taste but finished it off for her own good.

This stupid letter had unsettled her too much and she was worrying over silly things. She didn’t need to unravel herself on her own. It was better to address these feelings, thoughts with him like it was just one more of their weekend conversations.

Where was he?

Right away she knew he wasn’t in her tower, so that meant he was either out running errands or in the grove with the blackthorn trees. If he was out shopping he would have tried to tell her, but since she decided to get plastered on her own with the mail she couldn’t rule out an impromptu shopping trip outside of the property. She almost regretted warding him against potential trackers and scrying eyes. She’d need to reword his wards so that she could find him when she needed to. It was disheartening to realize she was alone in the tower and would have to wait for his return.

This might be better, actually. Maybe she should just wait for him to come back. She could use the time to work on options for where she could go next.

Sakura instead went to take a long and papering bath. Her invisible servants brushed out her long hair and rubbed her skin with sweet oils until she glistened like a polished stone. Then she opened up the doors to her wardrobe room and paused the different rows of favorite dresses. She fingered a lovely lilac dress with a full skirt before her fingers wandered to one of her favorite ‘blooming’ gowns.

The invisible servants dressed her in the skirts first before unrolling the bodice section up and over her breasts. Unlike other dresses, the upper portion that was meant to cover her chest was composed almost entirely of lace and enchanted flowers, complements with a handful of beaded dragonflies, hidden underneath the petals. Most of the dress was a mature blue green, dark with hints of slate gray to complement the blush pink flowers.

“And will you spend a little longer on my hair today?” Sakura asked, watching herself in the mirror be dressed. “Nothing extravagant, just enough to be nicer than usual.”

She hated to admit it, but Sakura always felt a little better when she bothered to spare extra time papering herself. A nice bath and a pretty dress were just the things she needed.

It was also a great way to kill time.

Her servants finished and Sakura checked the time, realizing more than two hours had passed and there was still no sign of Sasori reentering the tower. That was disheartening. She finally had enough sense to figure out what she wanted to say. Maybe he was in the grove. It would be easy to search since it was nearby.

She stepped into her wold walking heels and turned towards he grove, taking a single step before the world went from blurring to stark white.

All the trees were in full bloom and weeping from an overabundance of blooms.

“Sasori!” she screamed, running through the blackthorn trees. Sakura could still feel his magic somewhere but it wasn’t the only magic she could distinguish. Someone else had made it into her grove while Sasori had been there.

There was so much white it was hard to see through. The fallen petals had made a thick carpet on the ground she had to stand atop of. She ran and searched, but the grove was empty.

Where?

Before she could keep from panicking Sakura screamed and the trees started to crackle with her magic, infighting and burning one by one until ever white and fluttering bloom was more like a falling star than a flower.

How could this have happened? What happened? Where was Sasori?

-

At least his cousins were still safe. His first fear upon realizing where he was had been for their safety. Apart from their wellbeing he was less concerned about the other consequences to his capture.

It just sucked this had to all happen after her found something to live for.

“It’s a generous gift,” Orochimaru hissed while standing next to Pein on the outside of the cell doors. “You said this was from the new initiate? How delightful.”

“I see no reason to reject the application of such an accomplished individual. Even if they are a continent away it would help to have someone we could reach out to for such rare occasions,” Pein said.

A dozen years ago Pein had barely been able to control one of his cadaver bodies from the remote shell Chiyo had constructed for him, but now it looked like he was getting along just fine with Orochimaru’s help.

From behind Pein Itachi Uchiha emerged, wearing their signature red and black colors. He said something in a quieter voice that Sasori couldn’t overhear before bowing out.  

“I should have known,” Sasori hissed, still tasting the Uchiha’s magic when he spit blood.  

“You shouldn’t have been bad, little prince,” Orochimaru mocked. “Your parents always used to say your fat mouth would get you in trouble one day, didn’t they? I can’ scarcely believe they’d appreciate it today if they heard how you only managed to make enemies an ocean away.”

Orochimaru talking about the deceased first prince and princess who were also Sasori’s mother was only something to rile him up. He refused to let Orochimaru get a reaction out of him.

“That’s enough, you talk too much,” Pein chastised. “He’s what you need for the inheritance. Do what you need to do.”

The snake faced fellow dropped his leering and instead leaned towards the bars and poured out magic into a spell that hit Sasori like a wave, knocking him back, ass over ankles.

“Ugh, the brat prince had too many enchantments on him. Some of those protective charms will take a few days to break.”

“You don’t have a few days,” Pein snapped. “Now.”

“Would you like to help?”

When Pein didn’t reply Orochimaru muttered under his breath and went back to rubbing off the magical enchantments and protective spells that kept Sasori safe. Until those were gone neither man could kill him the way they wanted to.

Sasori braced against each wave, suffering blow after blow and feeling every loss as it went. Sakura’s anti scry spell, her enchantment against blades, his ancestral fire resistance, all of it was getting stripped layer by layer.

If only had hadn’t been so stupid. Chasing down Itachi when he caught sight of the raven spying obnoxiously from just beyond the barrier’s reach couldn’t have looked more like a trap. Itachi knew Sakura was sleeping or out of it, so his intentions couldn’t have been good. But Sasori hadn’t been in the mood to ‘be good.’ Itachi had been pissing him off since day one. Even now, Sasori wanted to punch his smug little face in and then burn the remains. The guy was such an entitled asshole. He had known Sakura for nearly a decade and they were still only friends. Itachi should have given up and admitted defeat and left Sasori alone with Sakura.

He had been happy.

The realization of all he had loss hit harder than Orochimaru’s magic and he set his jaw against the nausea. His head hurt and his knees buckled when he tried to stand.  He was being stripped of his power now, something that would hurt far more than the removal of a few hexes.

“What now?” Pein snapped in irritation.

Sasori looked up through his lashes to see someone new had entered the room and was interrupting. Orochimaru had even paused, looking tired and winded, to listen to whatever it was the Zetsu clone was saying.

Pein dismissed the clone, melting him into a pile of white ooze to sink in between the floor tiles and out of sight. In that moment of lapsing Sasori felt no more drain on his magic. Orochimaru was also distracted but hadn’t bothered to reinforce the cell-that hex had been left to expire once the draining process began.

It was an opportunity and Sasori wasn’t about to let it go.

He rolled onto his feet and took a single, flickering step the way Sakura had shown him to do without his spell books. Like mist-he was there and then he wasn’t. There were shouts in the previous room as Sasori emerged in the main hall outside the prison cells. It was too familiar not too spur him into a dead sprint towards the main audience chambers.

There was shouting behind him and he turned sharply, knowing all he could do without his spell books was rudimentary cantrips, but he did what he could to throw the sound of him screaming and running in the opposite direction.

He heard Kakuzu and Hidan arguing far off and looked up into the sky once he exited into the outer halls, fearing the shadow of one of Deidara’s clay birds. He had once thought himself a partner to the artist, but they were now his enemies and he knew better than to get caught a second time.

There was a teleportation circle in the main hall as well as several in the gate quarters where dignitaries were to be received. Gate quarters were the best place to be, but they were on the opposite side of the palace and no one apart from the royal family knew about the camouflaged seal behind the thrones in the main hall. It was a cleverly disguised family secret they had kept for generations.

He just needed to-

The floor exploded behind him and he went sailing through the air, rolling across the stone and debris as smoke trailed ever upwards, betraying his position. Overhead Deidara swooped with more bombs ready.

“Little bitch-ass snitch,” Sasori hissed, digging his hands into the mess and grabbing onto loose stone. It was burn so that would have to do. He bit his thumb and bled over the material before invoking the spell, relying on one he could remember without the spell book. It was so much harder without his medium, but he felt the magic catch and a pillar of fire erupted, striking Deidara’s bird. The damage upon contact wasn’t sever, but the clay bird was full of explosives so-

BOOM

The whole palace shook as the sky erupted in combustive fire. It made Sasori stagger and trip. His ears were ringing and he swore he felt blood from one of them.

He picked himself up, gasping for new air, and limped towards the main reception chambers. He just needed to get to the Falcon throne.

But Orochimaru was already there, waiting in front of the throne on the raised dias with a knowing smirk.

“I wasn’t done with you yet,” he hissed before a snake shot out of his mouth for Sasori. He dodge the fangs and rolled away, but choked and staggered when trying to stand. He was still dizzy and fighting was making him sick.

“I’ll bother to make it less painful since you took out one of the others in such a believable way. That’s one less trash article for me to have to take care of later on,” Orochimaru said.

Sasori noticed the other man’s hands were red and dripping, thick with blood. Was it a coup within a coup? Did it even matter if he was going to die?

“I hope you fucking choke,” Sasori coughed into the stone floor, inhaling through wet lungs.

Orochimaru laughed and it was a sound loud enough to fill the whole room. It bounced off the far walls and echoed far beyond.

Kakuzu showed up in the back and was content to lean against one of the far pillars and watch while he cleaned his red and bloody blades. From the sounds of it, Hidan had been put out of commission and maybe even the other members, like Pein’s wife Konan, had also been killed. Kakuzu looked rough enough to look like he had just come from a fight that actually made him sweat. Beside Kakuzu Itachi and another member, the blue one called Kisame, approached.

When Sasori looked for it he saw the small audience of disciples and allies Orochimaru had filled the palace with. There were old servants and house guards too, some who had served his mother and father before him. They were all watching him now, like a crowd outside an execution.

Sasori almost dropped his head, sick at the thought of his people watching him being slaughtered so theatrically. The refraction of colored light off a dragonfly’s wing made him hesitate. There was one perched on the nearest pillar, colorful enough on its own without the additional good crystal growth down its body.

“Sakura?”

The room rippled with new power but instead of quarts and crystals, the floor split open for the rapid growth of a handful of angry, twisted blackthorn trees. Unlike the ones in the grove, these were towering and sparkly planted, so that their branches could reach without feat of touching.

None of them bloomed, but the one in the center of the room swelled wider than the others. Its interior filled with light, throwing shadows out of the growth inside before a vertical scar bisected the front of the tree. Crystal growth filled the wound before the tree shuddered and groaned, almost bending backwards as the scar opened. Two delicate hands pulled the crystal edges back and Sasori could have sworn he was dreaming when Sakura emerged.  

Kakuzu didn’t hesitate but moved when Orochimar ordered him to and it was a simple thing to watch how his body became pierced with the blackthorn tree that grew out of him. All the different parts on his body where his secondary, and tertiary hearts were hidden all bled freely, but Sakura’s magic was no so forgiving as to kill him there. Kakuzu gurgled and struggled on the tree before it slowly began to pull him apart.

“Burn them down!” Orochimaru roared, raising up his own magic to incinerate the room.

Fire flared up from multiple mages as well as himself, but none of the trees burned and the crystals that grew along their edges only seemed to expand with the use of magic against them.

Sakura stepped out of the swollen tree and onto the pink quartz platform waiting for her. The sound of her heels on a smooth surface tickled the base of Sasori’s brain stem, delighting him to almost inhuman levels.

“What is this?” Orochimaru hissed. “Who are you? Did Konan send you?”

Sakura brushed off a stray petal from her shoulder and glanced around the room, ignoring Orochimaru and his fire mages. She glared at the place where Itachi had once stood, recognizing the traces of his magical presence.

Sasori could see from where he lay on the ground how powerful she looked, dressed in splendor and adorned with a halo of pearlescent olive branches that gradely reflected the light. She looked far more suited to a throne than anyone he had ever seen.

Apart from Orochimaru who stood next to the thrones and Kakuzu, there was one last swordsman member of the Akatsuki left in the room. When Sakura looked his way he laughed and backed away.

“I’m not touching this. You’re on your own, snake man. I don’t get paid enough to die.”

“You coward,” he roared at Kisame. “Come back here and finish the job!”

“Sire,” one of the mages hissed, trembling where she stood at the bottom of the dais. “What is it?”

“It’s human enough to die, kill it with necrotic damage.”

Sakura didn’t speak and she didn’t give them a chance to attune but cast through her trees and severed the hands of every mage who gathered magic to follow their leader’s orders. The room filled with hailing and the trees began to bloom red and pink blossoms with the new blood. Several tried to run but ended up like Kakuzu, impaled on a blackthorn sapling that was growing up through their body.

“What do you want?” Orochimaru asked, shouting out with necrotic magic already gathered in his hands.  

“Only what is mine,” she said before lifting both hands and channeling magic there.

Orochimaru struck first and his magic turned her arms black, before the disease peeled and fell off her form in immunity. Sakura’s magic manifested into a single point and then with her forefinger she pointed at Orochimaru’s chest. Before either could see or know what she was going to do, the hole was there and the damage was done. A beam of death had struck him dead on, faster than the eye could track.

Slowly, the hole began to grow, eating more and more of Oroachimaru’s body, even as he howled in pain and tried to counter it with his many spells. Sakura’s trees only bloomed brighter with more pink and red flowers.

Sakura approached the soon to be corpse of Orochimaru and lifted her skirts to step over him atop the throne’s platform. Her heel came down hard on one of his arms and he screamed when it broke off, crumbling to dust.

“You stole from me what was mine, what did you think would happen?” Sakura said.

Before he could answer she lifted her hand and his head splattered against the far wall as a stain.

There was moaning and cries in the room from some of the mages who lost their hands but none of them approached Sakura or made an effort to confront her. One had already bled out and was breathing his last breaths while another sobbed openly about their life being over.

It would have been merciful, maybe even just, to leave them with their wounds and their lives, but Sakura stopped in her steps when she saw Sasori. He was watching her from on his side on the ground. There was still blood from his ear on his face and soot staining his hands. When he managed a weak smile for her Sakura felt her heart break. The moaning behind her abruptly cut off as each mage fell dead, bleeding out to turn the pink blooms red.

“You came for me,” Sasori chuckled, too mesmerized at the sight of her.

“Hush and stay still. I’m going to heal you now,” she said, kneeling down at his side to address not only his ruptured eardrum but also the many broken ribs and bones he had suffered from the explosion earlier.

“You’re very pretty.”

“You need to stop talking,” Sakura said. She focused, trying not to think about his words or how warm they made her. She felt like her stomach was filled with dragonflies.  

“You’re always saving me.”

“Don’t exaggerate.”

“Even when you’re not killing people to free me you’re always saving me. Saving me, cause now I want to live.”

“Everyone wants to live.”

“I didn’t,” Sasori said. He blinked hard, hearing with his repaired eardrum now that Sakura was finished there. “I didn’t want to live before you.”

“You don’t…” Sakura closed her eyes and hiked her shoulders. “Just, let me heal you.”

“Can I kiss you?”

Sakura sputtered. “Sasori!”

Even broken and bleeding Sasori reached up and cupped the back of her skull and pulled her close enough to share her breath with his. “Please.”

She didn’t answer but she leaned in and took his lips first while all around them the quartz crystals glowed with a rainbow of colors as the blackthorn trees bloomed and shed their petals for a drizzle of pinks and red to obscure them from the outside world.

[minjoonalist]

Better Than Before. | KSJ 18+

pairing: Ex!Seokjin x Reader

genre: smut, BDE!Jin, a pinch of Angst., what is Humor?

words: 3.1K

warnings: none :)

summary: why is that everytime you attmept to be a social butterfly your ex-kim seokjin appears and you’re suddenly a raging alcoholic. AKA- seokjin is on a persistent mission to get you alone again.

song inspiration: “Always” by Arin Ray

*** ***

You’ve never been the type of person to attend big celebration or even stay afterwards for further socializing. But you either had to choose between another Saturday spent watching re-runs of old sitcoms or actually going out to do something with your life and seeing as you were a full fledged nurse with barely enough time to take a piss… yeah it was probably time to interact with others.

The soft spot for your closest coworker had took it place once she asked for your assistance as a bridesmaid. An unfortunate event of one her friends getting extremely sick due to a spreading Flu had only ended with the poor thing being short just one person. Little did you know the sweet natured girl had actually considered you to be another close pal of her own and couldn't think of any other to put above asking you next. Originally you had planned to miss the event all in itself , even when you were just a guest. Practicing in your mirror to give the sweet girl a stern ‘hell no’, but it's Fairly obvious to see by now that, that didn't go as planned.

The air felt hot, you were sure your dress had a huge sweat stain on the back and you couldn't control the throbbing need that was slowly making you delirious by the second.

“You may now kiss the bride” the words spoken by the elderly priest that stood only a feet away from you. You looked to him. a firm smile placed on his slightly chapped lips that had everyone cheering, including the beautiful couple who were currently leaning into each other to seal their vows of commitment. It was perfect to say nonetheless, all white spreading throughout the pure rustic styled garden and the sun was shining throughout the clear blue skies showcasing the Event in all it’s beauty . You wanted to bask in it and soak up the rare moment you were apart of , but there was no use .

No, Not when there's a pair of dark occupied eyes staring your body down throughout the entire celebration.

“ I dont know whats more messed up. You- attending the same wedding as me or the fact that the next time I ever see you it's when you're in the same wedding as me” the undeniably gorgeous man that you’ve known as your Ex- Kim Seokjin- or well Jin pressed you into his side tighter just as you were following the groom and bride down flower filled path.

Wild light brown hair, pouty plump lips, and mischievous black eyes- If there was anything that made you regret going along with this decision, it was certainly him.

“Seokjin. Let. me. Go.” the venomous words slid through your teeth just as you waved towards the ederly woman in one of the rows and whom you could only assume was the groom’s grandmother.

“sheesh , still bitter I see” He glances down at you, a firm smirk still in its place when he does not-so-exactly as you wished. His long arm that was pressing you rather possessively into his waist loosened its hold and only came to grab your soft empty hand. It gave everyone the simple illusion that you two were a perfect couple when really you were anything but.

It was a couple of years ago in a situation similar to this one, you’d ended up attending a special occasion for an old colleague. It was a birthday party that your classmates happened to be throwing for seokjin and you’d reluctantly allowed your roommates to drag you there. There wasn't really much else to it since you could barely remember, you caved into downing 5 shots as you tried to drown out your boredom and completely blacked out. The only thing you could recall after that mysterious night , was waking up naked and sore next to the birthday boy himself. You’ve both only dated for a couple of months, when rumors of the popular boy’s conquests arose and you were in no mood to deal with them.

In other words- you dumped him.

“Shot of whiskey and make it dark please” you smiled innocently towards the cute dimpled bartender who busied himself cleaning cups. He nods back at you, his blonde hair falling forward as he momentarily slid his eyes over you and you vice versa. He then rolls up his crisp white button up to lean towards you, your eyes running quickly over his name tag that read ‘namjoon’ on it. “Sure thing miss” he sends you a wink , just before turning to prepare the requested drink.

“I wonder. are you going to keep batting your lashes at Virgin- juice boy over here or are you going to keep downing shots until I convince you to let me fuck you somewhere private? Preferably the latter but without the convincing part.” Seokjin’s velvety voice mumbles shamelessly into your ear making you shudder.

“As if that’ll ever happen” you scoff , just as the bartender namjoon hands you the small glass making sure to flash you his dimpled smile one last time. You raise the liquid towards your mouth, downing it in one go. Already the calming sensation spreading up from your legs and throughout your body, making the annoying Ass next you a bit more bearable . Only when you finally notice the long and intimidating gaze he has set on you. You decide to go in for more “ Another please.”

Seokjin’s nearly evil smirk never falters “ If I do recall and I truly do. Pretty little y/n downed 5 of my birthday shots and let me lay between her legs” he says way too loud for your liking. Your cheeks blushed and not from the fact that he just aired your sexual history in front of namjoon (who was handing you your next shot), but that the man had just called you pretty. Even more so that the simple compliment actually had you pressing your thighs together.

“I think we both can agree that years ago pretty little y/n made a huge mistake”

“You’re right about that” he chuckles with a nod. In return you roll your eyes, reaching for the next shot in front of you and downing that one as well. You make eye contact with namjoon once again, his soft eyes connecting with the empty glass in your possession “just one more please” you sheepishly smile and he bites his lip, silently laughing at your cuteness.

Once again a shot glass is slid your way. It was then that you noticed seokjin had moved significantly closer towards, the smell of his intoxicating cologne running up your nostrils and a large flat palm resting on the small of your back. When the hell did he put it there?

“ g-good so we agree. Maybe now you’ll finally leave me the hell alone” you attempt to ease away from him. The familiarity of the situation , bringing lost memories of how you once tried to resist the highly convincing man before.

“I never said that I agreed with what you said y/n…” he says , voice becoming husky and soft. You hated to admit it, but it was pulling you in just like the sensual gaze he never failed to keep on you. You didnt know whether to blame it on the alcohol or that you just havnt had sex about 2 seasons of big bang theory ago.

“Bu-but you just did-”

You were reaching for what was going to be your last shot , when seokjin comes in and snatches it from your grasp. You pout in return , not wanting to have to ask the dimpled boy for another. “I said you were right, only because you did make a mistake. You broke up with me when all I ever did was make you happy. Even worse, you did it right before we graduated and then you blocked me ” the slight sadness in his voice would have had you wanting to console the man had it not been for the fact that he was the one who messed up.

“Seokjin, you cheated on me. Did you really think I was going to stay with you after finding that out?” you sputtered out.

He was midway through downing your shot, when your words had caused him to gasp and choke on the harsh drink. Immediately his cool is lost, the poor man doubling over to hack his lungs out before he oddly finishes it anyway. “I did not cheat on you. Where the hell did you get that stupid Idea?” he frowns rather disappointedly at you.

“Oh please you're just saying that so I’ll let you slip your excited little hands up my dress” you shake your head but a small part of you just can't get over the sincerity that was in his stare. A silent second passes by and seokjin’s trance is broken before he asks you “how did you find out?”.

Your heart skips a beat. His soft voice riddled with no such guilt but he wanted to know how you discovered his unfaithfulness. In his eyes , he now seemed a bit curious more than concerned and it made an unsettling feeling appear in your stomach “I was told.” you swallowed “by some sorority girl - actually she was at your party” you then confessed.

“Blonde hair? Pouty lips.. And a permanent bitch face right?” he lists easily and the description matches the exact culprit who informed you of all his hidden lies. You guessed he must’ve gone off the way your eyes had wavered with uncertainty because seokjin had then let out an incredulous huff of disbelief. He hangs his head , his shoulders shaking from the small laugh that escapes his mouth “y/n. That was my ex” he says finally.

You gasped.

“You let my ex-girlfriend get into your head. If there's one thing I remember about her, its that she’s very manipulative, but also bitter and anyone with common sense knows thats not a good combination” he looks to you, only to see the disheartened look on your face. Your eyes full of guilty sadness now that you easily pieced two and two together.

“I-I dont know what to say-....I’m sorry seokjin” you managed out.

Sure you felt bad but your relationship was years ago. In-fact you’ve barely thought about him since honestly. He smiles tenderly towards you, the warmth from his brown eyes seeping slowly through your guarded shield but only now , you almost don't mind to let it down a bit.

“ Its fine, to be honest I should've known she would try something like that. You were probably too innocent for me anyways- I could’ve ruined you” he jokes though you don't laugh, your mind staying stuck on the innocent part.

“Remember I'm the girl who stole your shots and took you back to her dorm” you say catching both him and yourself completely off guard. Your eyes then widen from the risky remark, heart hammering in your chest when seokjin quirks a teasing brow at you.

You then turn back towards the bar, the dimpled blonde smiling your way when you tap the empty space in front of you “ a double would be great” you say but then for the first time seokjin acknowledges him as well. “Trust me. No it wouldn't.” he smiles a bit too sweet at the poor boy and you notice namjoon’s own smile falter from the slight animosity. Seokjin then grabs at your hand, his thumb slightly stroking the inside of you palm as the other finds its place again on your back. The intimate actions bringing your attention fully back to him when he speaks again.

“Now that the convincing part is done. Lets go somewhere a bit more private”

Honestly if you were shocked by the fact that you’ve once again allowed seokjin slip under your skin...well…that would be perfectly okay. It didn't take a second thought for you to let seokjin lead you to what looked like tiny shed, the both of you slipping in easily unnoticed as everyone else focused on the beautiful couple dancing away into their new marriage.

You're bent over slightly, Seokjin’s hands coming towards your hips to pick them up and raise your ass towards him. Immediately he groans in his spot. the delicious sight of your pussy lips glistening with your arousal reminds him just why he was so fucking whipped for you back then. You were gorgeous...everywhere and his mouth was watering just to get a taste of you again.

A finger swipes gently at your exposed slit, sending a cold shiver down your back from the subtle friction.

“You were always so sensitive for me weren't you baby?” He whispers, but by the way he confidently pushes the Long calloused finger into your unsuspecting hole, his own question is already answered.

“-J-jin…” you grunt out the broken moan in appreciation. His finger is pulling away and pushing right back in , causing you squirm and whimper from the much needed pleasure. “I can't wait to fill you up” a tiny squelch is heard as another finger is added to his torturing movements. His body coming forward onto your bare back and you could honestly melt just from the way it arched perfectly into him.

The tight knot in your stomach begins to loosen as you try your hardest hide your loud whimpers from any outsiders. Your legs trembling and you so badly want him to just fuck you already.

“P-please…” was all you could manage.

Seokjin’s fingers that were once pumping into you at a moderate pace turns to a more vicious route and you can't help but to squeal when the two lengthy digits forces your quivering pussy into its first orgasm in months. It leaves you breathless, weak and you were just about ready to collapse onto the neat shed’s floor.

“ Tsk, You haven't gone soft on me have you?” Seokjin chuckles down at you, a wicked glint prominent in his midnight eyes and when you shake your head in return. you could only shiver as the smile drops and the tiny space goes cold with his next words

“I’m not done with you yet Pretty girl…”

Next thing you knew you were being flipped onto your back and seokjin’s. strong hands had reached greedily for your underwear only to slide them completely off.

He then meets you on the ground, his body leaning back just a bit to unbuckle his black slacks. A noticeable swallow from your end driving the man a bit more mad with lust and he would swear he could cum right then and there just from that cute innocent gaze you were giving just when he pulls himself free.

“O-h…” you could barely say, your mouth completely dry. Your watched anxiously, a bead of precum already oozing out through the thick red Mushroom head of what you could definitely remember was his above average cock. The hard veiny muscle not having any shame to rub said cum swiftly down your exposed slit.

“You’re so fucking pretty baby, did you know long I’ve held this for you?” He growls out, deep carnal lust stuck in his voice as he inches closer above you. You weren't given the chance to answer him because as soon as you could , his fingers had wrapped within your once neat bun to pull your head back even further.

You could only then let out what sounded like a breathy moan. Your lungs almost giving up on you when you feel the head of his cock prying it’s way into you. His mouth laying open mouth kisses onto your exposed neck ,making his way up to towards your chin and finally landing on your mouth.

As much as you wanted to resist his kiss, the way Seokjin’s tongue had begun to dip swirl onto yours had your toes curling just from the passion of it and your entire body melting in pure bliss.

Your legs are spread out a bit wider for him, his hands latching onto the back of your knees to do so. “So cute. So good for me” he whispers out his praises into your ear, his hips jerking forward to shove his member deep into you and you nearly scream from the intrusion. Instantly you feel full, your body humming with pleasure as seokjin finds his paced rhythm. His hips slamming down onto yours with such a force that it has your eyes rolling to the back of your head.

“ so good! Yes just like that!” You exclaim out to him when the change of his angle only ends with your g-spot getting rammed into over and over.

“Look at pretty y/n. taking Daddy’s big cock like a good girl” he says, each sweet thrust matching his words. It was at this point where seokjin’s hand had ended up slipping from under one of your knees only to drop one of your legs. During the slight mishap seokjin was mid-thrust into you when you yelped and jerked your hips from the even more intense pleasure.

“Oh? Did that feel good baby? Maybe I should make you feel like that some more hmm?” He chuckles when you shake your head. Ignoring your response to switch you on your right side and sit himself on top of your right thigh, your left thigh being pushed against you as he proceeds with his wreckening.

What once was a difficult task had become impossible to withhold your loud moans. The new position allowing him to fuck further into your walls, burying himself to the hilt and maybe even deeper than he probably should be. It has your body jumping, your hands instantly bracing themselves on his highly active hips as tears started to leak from your eyes.

“So fucking cute. Pretty y/n don't ever run from me again - let daddy take care of you.” He pleads and praises you in your ear as he leans forward. “O-Ok-kay!” You unthinkingly gasped trying to catch your lost breath, his surged strokes turning your mind to mush and you could feel your orgasm climbing terrifyingly fast.

“Angh! Jin! Im go-ing to c-cum!”

You didn't have to tell him for him to know. Seokjin could feel his balls tightening with every brutal squeeze of your core- it was like you were trying to milk the man’s dick. He chuckled from the thought, his harsh grunts being masked by an unbelievably deep sexy laugh “thats right baby, milk me. Make me cum S-so I can fill that pretty pussy of yours.”

As if on cue your body gives out. Sweet burning pleasure pushing up throughout your entire body while you thrashed uncontrollably under Seokjin’s relentless thrusts.

“Mmmm!” You screamed, but your mouth is immediately muffled under one of his hands. The grip of it suddenly becoming unbearably tight once seokjin finds his own release in you.

You hold your breath, his body collapsing next to you once he slips out with a satisfied sigh.

“That was....even better than before”

[carbonitekisses]

Last Chance for Honor

In which Jon breaks down after learning of his parentage, 

From a distance, dragonsong echoes eerily through the godswood trees. Jon quickens the pace and wills himself to ignore the call. He may not be a Stark but he holds no allegiance to the three-headed dragon.

Jaime arrives at Winterfell to fulfill an oath,

His horse nearly throws him off when it hears dragons screeching high above them. He uses his metal hand to try and calm his horse and grips the reins with his left. The horse is not the only one left skittish and wary; people fearfully scan the sky and seek shelter. Jaime himself tenses as he remembers the ambush in the Reach. Burn them all... She really is her father's daughter. Jaime strokes the horse’s flank to soothe him before urging him forward once more.

and Daenerys learns of Cersei’s betrayal. 

The king slayer stands in the middle of the Great Hall. He ports nondescript leathers and clothing, nary a roaring lion in sight. The only marking upon him is his golden hand—his sword was removed upon his arrival. He is vulnerable and defenseless, surrounded by both northerners and Unsullied preventing escape.

Also on AO3.

"She killed them. Daenerys killed my father and Dickon because they wouldn't bend the knee." 

"Don't say you're sorry. You didn't do it. You didn't know; I can tell that much."

"Why did you bend the knee to her?"

"And if we survive the Night King, what then?"

"Even if she ignores that the Baratheons won by right of conquest, the throne could never be hers by blood right."

"I mean that she's not the last Targaryen."

"I think you know, Jon. You're not simple. You never have been. Dragons don't let just anyone mount them."

"At the Citadel I—Gilly, really—found the High Septon's diary. And Bran confirmed it. Rhaegar and Lyanna married. And you, you're—"

"Listen, to me! Eddard Stark did it to protect you at your mother’s behest. If King Robert found out who you really were he would have killed you. Friendship with your father be damned."

"Jon, you're my brother. Snow, Targaryen, I don't care. But—"

"You can't just ignore this. Secrets like this will make themselves known."

"You believe that? That she won't care that you have a higher claim?"

"You know the Free Folk, you know the North. They'll never bend the knee to her. They might keep quiet while the dead march. But once this war is over I won't be surprised if a war between the living comes to pass."

"And if they don't bend the knee? Will she have them all executed like she did my father and brother?"

//

The memory of his father-turned-uncle is strongest here in the godswood. Jon remembers watching Ned Stark tend to Ice underneath the careful supervision of the heart tree’s weeping face.

The heart tree has never looked more heartless and cold.

Jon wishes he didn’t have a heart. His treacherous brothers should have done him the favor of cutting the pulsing muscle out of his chest. If Jon was a heartless man he would use Longclaw to tear and rip apart the bleeding face that’s watching him now. 

Instead, he unsheathes Longclaw and unleashes his anger and fear upon an ash tree. He lifts his arm back and hacks away at the tree’s trunk.

     Hit,

His father was never his father. 

     after hit,

He can't ever be a Stark. He isn't even a fucking Snow. 

    after hit, the tree takes it all without complaint.

He bedded his father's sister without knowing who she was, who he was, and–and–

Jon stops Longclaw mid swing and stares up at the cloud-filled sky. He opens his mouth to scream but instead chokes on unshed tears.

Winterfell’s bastard.

That is who he believed himself to be.

For the entirety of his life he had hoped his mother would still be alive. It did not matter if she was low or high born. And his fath–his uncle had promised to tell him. On the Kingsroad he had said—he had said—

Now, even his parting words, and where he said them, seem to mock him. 

“You are a Stark. You might not have my name but you have my blood. 

"The next time we see each other, we’ll talk about your mother. I promise.”

He drops Longclaw into the snow, uncaring of where it lands. Tired and drowning, Jon falls against the butchered tree, its mangled flesh scraping against his own. The ground lures his weight down down down until he's on his knees. 

For a second time, he mourns the loss of the man that raised him. The first was upon learning of his death. Now, upon learning he was never his father at all. He mourns the loss of a mother he will never meet. Not in this life and perhaps never in death. He mourns a father who will never compare to the man who raised him. A king who cast aside his wife, abandoned his children, and threw the seven kingdoms into the lion's den.

Sam was right; Jon knows that his lord fath–Lord Stark hid the truth to save him. He hid it under snow and in Winterfell’s crypt. Half-lies and omissions became a truth the world accepted because it was better than believing the honorable Lord Stark would lie—never minding the dishonor a bastard's existence brings. 

Jon wonders if his life was worth such trouble. 

He is the most honorable man I’ve ever known. He lied to the world, tainted his honor, and safeguarded the lie until his death to keep a promise of protection. Jon feels a sense of kinship and understanding with Eddard Stark. He might not be my father but in this we are alike.

The tree's scars run deep and jagged underneath his examining fingers. I'm a liar, too, like him. 

I compromised my honor to protect the North and all those who inhabit it. It is an uneven exchange, he knows. My honor is a paltry price to pay. 

Snow melts underneath his knees. He laughs. And laughs and laughs and cries. He's bent the knee to a tree of no consequence. He's bent the knee to a plant but never to her. He never did bend the knee to Daenerys Targaryen. Jon digs his hands through his hair and attempts to pull out the rotten memories that have taken root inside.

Wights on fire, Viserion falling. A hazy figure looming over him as he lies frozen-boned and immobile on a boat heading south. Tiny skulls littering the Dragon Pit. Hooded violet eyes following him. Dragons on a cabin door. 

Silver hair, panting breath, skin that tastes of smoke and—

Jon savagely shakes his head but the memory clings on and refuses to leave. Pleasure, the memory says, you found pleasure in your aunt. Don't deny it; you’re a Targaryen. He found pleasure in her arms and she found pleasure in his; her moans and scratching hands told him so. If he hadn’t heard of her barrenness he might’ve never done it; the possibility of bringing another bastard into the world a cruelty he refuses to commit.

Jon knew crossing the threshold into her room would bind him to her for however long she wished it. When he looked down at her, waves crashing against the hull of the ship, he saw storms of fire in her eyes—inconstant and mercurial. He saw a queen who made no efforts to rescue her allies. He saw a woman hungry for power and prophecy. He saw a conqueror ready to take flight for the Red Keep at any moment, threatening to kill thousands for a metal chair.

(Missandei had claimed her to be benevolent and just. She told him how the Dothraki and Unsullied followed Daenerys and chose her as their queen. He wondered at how such an intelligent woman didn't notice the hypocrisy in her words; Westeros never chose Daenerys and yet she waged an unnecessary war to claim a continent that had already suffered under Fire and Blood.)

And so he gave her what she wanted and desired. She wanted him to warm her bed and so he did; he fucked her and she fucked him. He believed his body would be an inconsequential thing to give; he never gave her promises of love or affection and she didn’t ask for them. Daenerys wanted him, and he needed her.  He needed her to never stray. He needed her to be truly committed to the Great War. He needed her to stay and fight, and not abandon the North like she did the Sands, Tyrells, and Greyjoys. 

He sealed the exchange with a kiss.

Jon had yielded to the idea of a future with her, if she wanted that of him. Affection, he thought, wasn't inconceivable. He would have stayed at her side for however long she desired it.  

I thought I could perhaps love her, in time. Jon rubs his face clear of frozen tears. But now? I can't continue this play. I've fallen into a trap of my own making and, he thinks of his family, possibly dragged them into it as well. The very people I've sworn to protec—

A raven caws and startles him. Jon looks above at the intruder. Its plumage is sleek and midnight black; it shows a keenness in the glint of its eyes. The black bird cocks its head to the side, and flies to perch itself on the heart tree's branches. Out of the thickness of the trees comes Ghost. He is as quiet as ever; white fur and red eyes a reflection of white bark and blood-red leaves.

"Ghost? What are you doing here, boy?"

His snout sniffs the snow around Jon, as if looking for something. Finally, he raises his head with Longclaw's grip in his jaw. The direwolf drops it before him, and urges him to take it. Once he does, Ghost walks in the direction of Winterfell only stopping when he sees that Jon isn't following him. Unsteadily, Jon braces himself against the ash tree and stands. His direwolf has never led him astray. There must be something happening in Winterfell.

The raven flies away to someplace Jon cannot see or follow. I'd almost believe it was waiting for me to leave. 

Jon sheathes Longclaw and casts one last glance towards the heart tree. Keep my secrets, tree. And guard my heart, too. The weeping face stares back. 

The ash tree weeps sap as well, but Jon pays it no mind. It has no face and therefore no mouth to betray him with.

Jon follows Ghost back to Winterfell.

As they get closer to the keep, Jon tries to cast off the dread that's climbed onto his back but finds it a futile task. Sam's whispered fear has lodged itself within his lungs and poisons him with each ebb and draw of breath:

"And if they don't bend the knee?”

He thinks of everyone who has opposed Daenerys so far. He thinks of little Lyanna Mormont. He thinks of Lord Manderly. 

He thinks of Sansa.

His cousin. His headstrong and willful...cousin; a woman he knows will never accept Daenerys as queen, especially after learning of the Tarlys; the lady of Winterfell who has held the North together during its most turbulent time; a Stark whose influence and importance Daenerys has taken notice of and mentioned to him more than once.

"Will she have them all executed like she did my father and brother?"

From a distance, dragonsong echoes eerily through the godswood trees. Jon quickens the pace and wills himself to ignore the call. He may not be a Stark but he holds no allegiance to the three-headed dragon.

Winterfell rises before him and he is Jon Snow once more.

//

Jaime’s horse nearly throws him off when it hears dragons screeching high above them. He uses his metal hand to try and calm his horse and grips the reins with his left. The horse is not the only one left skittish and wary; people fearfully scan the sky and seek shelter. Jaime himself tenses as he remembers the ambush in the Reach. Burn them all... She really is her father's daughter. Jaime strokes the horse’s flank to soothe him before urging him forward once more.

Bronn, the self-serving ass, decided to stay in Wintertown's shabby imitation of a brothel. "I'm not about to ride in with the Lannister that killed the dragon queen's father—I've seen her burn others for far less.” A dark look passed quickly before he said, “Call me a coward if you want, I don't care. Come and get me if they let you live, ey?"

And so it is that Jaime Lannister, the Kingslayer, rides into Winterfell alone and with no fanfare—a pitiful, though well-deserved, contrast to the last time he came. Back when he was despised for being a Kingslayer, not a Lannister. 

Perhaps Bronn had the right of it, he thinks as he’s almost immediately apprehended upon passing through the gate, even I wouldn’t ride into Winterfell with Jaime Lannister if I could help it.  

Faces with hollowed out cheeks sneer and yell out. Lannister, they curse and hiss, Kingslayer!

For these people there is no distinction between the two. Both are markers of depravity and cruelty. He refuses to lower his head in shame as he is escorted to gods-know-where. He cares not for their opinion. Judgement and a chance for honor lies elsewhere—and he is ready to face it.

//

The king slayer stands in the middle of the Great Hall. He ports nondescript leathers and clothing, nary a roaring lion in sight. The only marking upon him is his golden hand—his sword was removed upon his arrival. He is naked and defenseless, surrounded by both northerners and Unsullied preventing escape.

Daenerys presides over the hearing at the center of the head table, flanked by Jon, and Sansa Stark. Her council is present as are Bran Stark, Ser Davos, Lyanna Mormont, a northern lady, a lord from the Vale, and a lady knight. She and the north hold little love for the maimed lion. Let's see how well this lion fares.

“I see you are alone, Jaime Lannister,” she says his surname with veiled contempt. “When should we expect your sister’s armies to arrive?”

"There are no armies. There never was. I'm the only Lannister soldier you will see north of the Neck."

Daenerys remembers seeing Jamie Lannister for the first time.

This man, she had thought, this man took everything away from me when he killed my father. 

Daenerys had looked at the murderer before her and had seen him for what he was. He wasn't the extraordinary creature that prowled her nightmares when she was a little girl. His skin bore no markings of wickedness. The hair atop his head was golden and soaked in sunlight. His armor was well-crafted but held no magical qualities. He was lacking a hand of flesh but that was the extent of his uniqueness. He was an ordinary mortal man. She was almost disappointed by him.

Jamie Lannister would have fared better under disappointment.

Today, Daenerys seeks justice and retribution.

"'I will march them north to fight alongside you in the Great War': is that not what she said?" she looks to Tyrion. "Your sister pledged her forces to fight alongside us in the war against the dead." Her eyes flick away from her Hand; he resolutely refuses to look at her, preferring to stare stupidly at his brother. "I withdrew mine and marched them north because she promised to do the same."

She should have never trusted a Lannister. 

Lannisters are not lions, they are snakes hiding amongst the grass waiting to strike and sink their fangs. While Daenerys is here in this white wasteland, Cersei Lannister is reclaiming every last inch of land she had lost. All the sacrifices she has made turn to ash in her mouth at the thought of Cersei sitting calmly on the Iron Throne. I should have razed the Red Keep to the ground as soon as I landed on Westeros. Daenerys recalls how affectionately Tyrion spoke of his older brother. There was love there. Perhaps Tyrion never stopped working for the usurpers. Why should I believe there is wildfire underneath Kings Landing? He could very well be lying in order to save his family. Olenna Tyrel had the right of it. She was no rose, or lion, or wolf. She is Daenerys, mother of dragons, the last Targaryen in the world. The throne is my birthright. I've forgotten my house words: Fire and Blood. I would be queen of the seven kingdoms by now if I hadn't forgotten them.

She opens her mouth to order the Unsullied to apprehend him but Sansa Stark speaks to the right of her. "Why have you come north, Ser Jaime?"

"I'm no longer a ser, lady Sansa."

"The question still stands," Sansa Stark leans forward, "If your sister has failed to fulfill her pledge, why have you come north?"

"My sister does not control me. I cannot ignore what I saw at the Dragon Pit. And as somebody told me," here, a small smile, "This goes beyond houses. I have come to pledge myself to—"

Daenerys scoffs, "You murdered a king, my father, who you were honor-bound to protect. You have just confessed that your sister, Cersei Lannister, has broken her own oath to me. Why should I believe you? For all I know, she could have sent you to kill me. It's an efficient and tested strategy, using one Lannister man to kill a Targaryen monarch."

"Out of all the dishonorable things I have done, killing—"

Tyrion tries to silence his brother, "Jamie—" 

"Killing your father is one I do not regret." Daenerys wishes she had Drogon here to burn away the defiance in the set of his brows. Strangely, his eyes deviate from hers and land somewhere to the right of the head table. "There are others I deserve to be punished for. But I will not apologize for plunging my sword into the mad king. If I hadn't he would have leveled King's Landing with wildfire. I'll never apologize for it."

How dare he speak about my father's murder in such a callous manner? She's aware her father was not a gentle man but she is tired of being reminded of it time and time again. It is not a statement he makes but an accusation against her. She is not her father. "You should watch your tongue, Kingslayer, lest you find yourself at my dragon's mercy."

"I've witnessed your dragon's 'mercy' in the Reach. Forgive me if I'd rather face the butcher's block. "

The lord from the Vale shares a look with the Mormont girl sitting next to him. He clears his throat and asks, "Speak clearly, Lannister. What happened in the Reach?"

Tyrion finally turns to look at her and Daenerys hates him for it. She will not be shamed for standing her ground that day. It is within her right as queen to execute any and all traitors. They are all hypocrites, these Westerosi. They execute with ropes and swords. She does it with dragonfire. In the end the result is the same, one less soul in the realm of the living.

The Kingslayer glares at Tyrion before whipping around to address the table where the northern council sits. "You don't know?" His question is met with silence. "She burnt a thousand wagons—most of which contained the last harvest." He takes a step forward, " She burnt—"

Sansa Stark interrupts him and tartly asks Ser Davos how many animals her dragons have been fed since they arrived.

Daenerys knows what she is trying to do and she will not stand for it. Sansa Stark might be lady of Winterfell, but Daenerys is her queen. She snaps to the right and wets her lips, "The Targaryen forces brought their own wagons of food, Lady Sansa, in case you’ve forgotten."

"I have not, your grace. Three hundred wagons is an easy quantity to remember—and fewer than a thousand. You brought some wagons of grain but little if any livestock which is what your dragons feed on." The red-haired Stark continues facing forward, not turning to look at her. "I ask again, Ser Davos: how many animals have the dragons devoured since landing in the north?"

The Onion Knight gives Daenerys an apologetic glance before answering, "Near seventy, my lady."

She continues her questioning, asking if they have all come from the Targaryen stock. Ser Davos replies in the negative, and Daenerys turns to Jon, incensed at his sister's attempt to undermine her. She had told him to keep his sister in line. He looks just as angry as her when his eyes meet hers before softening. Daenerys is glad at least someone sees how unnecessary this conversation is. Her dragons can eat whatever they want; without them the north will fall. 

"Lady Sansa," Jaime Lannister says her name with urgency and takes a step towards the head table; Daenerys appreciates how Jon reflexively places his hand on Longclaw to protect her. "Burnt bushels should be the least of your worries. The woman sitting next to you burnt my men alive after they defeated the Tyrell army in Highgarden. Her and the Dothraki ambushed us as we were transporting the harvest back to the capital. The woman you have all proclaimed queen burnt Randyl Tarly and Dickon Tarly alive after they refused to bend the knee. Just like Aerys Targaryen did to your grandfather and uncle, she murdered a father and son."

Silence reigns in the Great Hall. She hears Jon's leather gloves tighten around his chair's armrests. 

"I am not my father." She will defend herself if no one else will. "I let them choose. And they chose to die."

She hates Jaime Lannister and rues the day she offered Tyrion Lannister the golden pin that rests upon his doublet. Who is this oathbreaker to condemn her for handing out justice in her own kingdom? "It is within my right as queen to execute traitors. I now offer you the same choice, Kingslayer. Bend the knee to me or refuse and die."

"His life is not yours to take, Daenerys Targaryen," a whisper denies her from the right of Sansa Stark. "His life is not yet forfeit."

Bran Stark unnerves her. He knew about her brother and how he died. He knew about Viserion. The youngest Stark speaks truths and secrets as easily as others drink wine. If it were any other to interrupt her...Daenerys notices even Sansa Stark seems surprised by her brother's claim.

"Jaime Lannister pushed me out of the broken tower. He is the one that crippled me. His life belongs to House Stark."

The monster in front of her hangs his head in shame. The hall erupts with noise. Daenerys hears Jon speak for the first time, "You fucking—"

The crippled boy raises his voice, "It doesn't matter; we don't have time for this." The Great Hall falls into a tense silence ready to break at any moment. "Jaime Lannister, step forward and join oathkeeper. Fulfill the oath you swore—" he pauses, and beckons the lady knight. She stands with both her sword and the Kingslayer's "—here is your last chance for honor." 

The Kingslayer is taken aback by Bran Stark's words. Here is your last chance for honor? What does he intend to do? Nonetheless, after taking his sword from the lady knight, he bends the knee in front of the head table and lays the sword on the floor. It is only right, she thinks, after what he did to her father. There is a sense of vindication, having the Kingslayer at her feet.

"I offer you my services, Lady Stark." Daenerys' jaw tightens. "I will shield your back and keep your counsel and give my life for yours if need be. I swear it by the old gods and the new."

Sansa Stark confidently stands, her voice cloyingly innocent, "And I vow that you shall always have a place by my hearth and meat and mead at my table. And I pledge to ask no service of you that might bring you dishonor." Jaime Lannister lifts his head and looks at Sansa as if she were his salvation. Daenerys tastes blood. "I swear it by the old gods and the new. Arise."

The traitor and murderer rises, now cloaked under the protection of House Stark—no, of Sansa Stark. 

Daenerys has been robbed of justice. She has been denied retribution.

Yes, Olenna Tyrell was right. She is a dragon and she is tired of listening to clever men with clever plans that never work in her favor. 

I will take what is mine with Fire and Blood.

[carpe-lumxn]

♣ 15 QUESTIONS ABOUT THE MUSE.

Now, usually Lucifer would lie through this test, so for the sake of authenticity, she is under a truth serum, I suppose. Without further ado, let’s start!

① ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE ?

“No. And that’s probably a good thing because I might take this name from someone else if needed. That, and I can’t imagine another name for myself. Lucifer— the light bringer. Has a nice ring to it, when considering my plans of confronting the Almighty. Shedding light to whatever is hidden.

“I do have a planet named after me-- Venus. Thought it was a star for a long time. But no. It was just a planet. Yahweh has a funny sense of humour.” 

② WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED ?

“Sweetheart, you didn’t even blink.”

“Rather touchy question, is it not? Tell anyone, and I’ll order for you to be burnt alive.”

“The last time I really cried... 1928. Chicago, 1928. I used someone I thought I loved. I thought I could handle it, because she’s done the same thing to me, over and over. I did not.

“Then there was the 50s. Some barons kidnapped a few lower demons to wrangle information out of them. They used something called Holy water torture. Works similarly like Chinese water torture. Except. They added one drop of the stuff to a whole gallon of water. The demons died. Slowly. Painfully. All of them. Holy water is painful, yes, but when delivered in such a low concentration the death is drawn out to several hours, days, even. The worst thing was, I could’ve done more. I could have done more to stop it from happening.”

She coughs. “Next question.”

③ DO YOU HAVE KIDS ?

“Oh, sure, do I have kids? ‘S not like Armageddon was botched by someone else, is it?

“In theory, somewhat. Even so, Adam Young only shares about what, 200mLs of my blood? You see, his true parent is Satan. Except that Satan was an alter ego I created back during the War in Heaven meant to represent as an antithesis. This name is now used by all the members of the Dark Council. And I may be the demon of pride but I understand that evil is a spectrum that I myself cannot personify.

“And Adam Young wasn’t gestated in the traditional manner, but made in this cauldron where we mixed the blood of all the members of the Dark Council. I tweaked his genetic makeup— removed the appendix and wisdom teeth altogether, because those are the aspects of human anatomy that had always bothered me, but my involvement only extends up to that moment. 

“Adam abdicated, because he came to like humanity. Probably planned by Yahweh this entire time. He would not consider me as a parent, but that should be fine by me.”

“I don’t think I’d ever want to have a child entirely of my own. I don’t want to bring something so good and vulnerable into a world that wants to destroy it and twist it up. Especially when considering my status. Knowing Yahweh, She’ll just use that as an opportunity to use them like a tool and say that I’m just like Her. Somehow. In a way I’ll never forget.

“So no. I can’t ever do that to someone.”

④ DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT ?

“No no, of course not. What an unorthodox distortion of language. Really now, expecting people to get the dramatic irony embedded within everyday speech? Too intimidating, no? Gives too much power to the speaker while proving as an effective armour. Lots of muddled up meaning. Double entendres. Loopholes. Well. Good thing I would never do such a thing, innit.”

“Sweetheart, I’m the devil.”

“It’s fun to listen to and decipher. And it’s fun to break the rules of conversations, say more things inconspicuously. Let the person decide for themselves. It’s a way I use to get to know someone. Yes, I like using sarcasm in conversations.”

⑤ WHAT’S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE ?

“I hear about other people based on reputation alone. And if they’re mentioned by two different people, I keep in mind how these representations differ from each other. That way, I can draw patterns and hypothesise myself what the person of interest is actually like. For example, if one human boasts about all the ‘Heavenly’ deeds someone such as a king did, yet another human claim that all that king’s conquests are bloody and merciless, I can deduce that that king likes to use the excuse of performing a Heavenly favour in order to commit mass manslaughter.

“I never forget a face, either. And a lot of the Fallen in Hell were my co-workers. It’s not an effective way to recognise someone, especially when considering discorporations that happen then and there. But no, I never forget the attitude of someone and the face that goes along with it. It’s something familiar that I can grasp upon.”

⑥ WHAT’S YOUR EYE COLOR ?

“Blue. Sulphur blue. My eyes had always been that colour, sure, but my colleagues always swore that they had been a brighter, more saturated shade ever since the Fall. Think that has something to do with my Hellfire. 

“And course, that’s not considering the pupils. Yes, I have diamond pupils now. I can’t erase them entirely, but I can constrict my irises to be like that of a human’s when I need to blend in. Don’t worry— it’s only cat eye syndrome.” She winks. 

⑦ SCARY MOVIE OR HAPPY ENDING ?

“Happy endings are morphine for me. I'm afraid of happy endings because I hate how numb and content they make me feel. It’s why I always stop any of the lighthearted musicals I’m watching halfway through-- I’d rather not be influenced to feel so happy for fictional characters. Because I’m afraid that once I hit that point, I’ll never want something better for myself again. I’m not so pathetic that I cannot find happiness in my real life."

“Horror films are a little more familiar for me. Sure, they sometimes do have a lot of gore. Slow gore, where the character dies very slowly. Very disturbing. And psychological horror. Also very disturbing. Cosmic horror, too, I-I-I-I-I can’t even fathom who was beaten as a child to create those sort of stories. But I have routines to combat that, because I experience something similar in Hell often, anyway. When considering the big picture, horror is ironically better for me.

“So yes. Scary movies.”

⑧ ANY SPECIAL TALENTS ?

“I believe myself to be incredibly driven, resourceful, and determined. And that I can do whatever to get what I need.”

“Arguably, I’d say that these ‘talents’ are only useful thanks to how I use them. To work hard. And to work hard is not exactly a talent on itself, it’s more like training routine discipline into yourself.

“Speaking of hard work, I am quite skilled in conversation, influencing them so that I get what I need. Or seek out a compromise between the speaker and I, while also under the impression that I hold all of the cards, as the humans say. 

“Oh-! And how could we forget about my Hellfire? My Hellfire is unique in that it’s a higher temperature than other Hellfire. Ever seen the bottom of a flame? That blue colour? That is the hottest part of the flame, and where the colour of my Hellfire comes from. Arguably my Hellfire’s colour also comes from its sulphur contents which, by the way, is because  that’s the colour of brimstone fire.

“I also sew up spare corporations quickly, which works in a pinch whenever I accidentally discorporate a demon, or when I’m running low on corporations I could use.”

⑨ WHERE WERE YOU BORN ?

“Like every other angel and demon, Heaven. Not sure whether the specific location still exists since it had been so long. New angels are still born, but I suspect that it’s in a new location. Not many angels are created anymore, after all. Rather, they’re often the reincarnated souls of demons killed by Holy water.”

⑩ WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES ?

“You could argue that me interviewing other demons to get to know them is a hobby of mine. I like it. I get to be close, but not too close, and it lets me understand the demons under my wing a little more. And I could help them as much as I want. At least, as much until someone notices what I’m doing,

“I also like to take Coco, ahem, Sirocco out for gallops and some fresh air. She loves them a lot, and I like it, too. I like the feeling of us being so connected. Sometimes when we go fast enough, it almost seems like I’m finally flying. 

“Otherwise? I don’t let myself have leisurely hobbies, they distract me. At least, routine ones.”

“But I suppose there are some times when I just can’t hold it off. Sometimes. I listen to some of my records. Watch old Fred and Ginger flicks. I used to sing a lot more when I was an angel. I haven’t tried it for a while, however."

“There are some hobbies I would like to learn... in another life, that is. I’d love to learn how to play the piano. Guitar, too. And lute. So you could argue that I would like to have a lot of music-oriented hobbies.”

⑪ DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS ?

“I have a steed. Sirocco. She was a Camargue horse from the 1100s I picked up. Very beautiful, wonderful horse. Course, Sirocco can be a little rebellious at times. But I like that in any companion of mine. It proves that they’re truly acting to their own accord and see me honestly.

“If I was a human, I’d also get a chihuahua. Poor dogs get very mistreated very much just because they’re small. People put them into handbags. Don outfits for them when they don’t need them, when they just want to be dogs and roam and sniff around. I would very much like to finally treat one well for once.

"I would also have a dragon if I could. But that can’t happen, can it?"

⑫ WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED ?

“Horse riding. Once again, it’s as close as flying for me that I will ever get, and it’s a nice activity for Coco and I to bond. 

“Otherwise? I think sports is a little high risk thanks to a scar Mickey Mouse gave me. Was stabbed between the ribs with a sword doused in Holy fire, and it had never completely healed since. If something hits me hard enough in the chest, like, say, a ball, I’ll just end up hacking up blood.”

⑬ HOW TALL ARE YOU ?

“160cm. 155 in my male corporation. By the way, Imperial is a terrible measuring system so I refuse to use it. Yes, I know, I know, embarrassing height for demons of my type. But here’s the catch— no matter what, a long string of coincidences always makes sure that my corporation never extends past the 160cm height limit. And yes, I refuse to clarify why. 

“As for my true form... well. My true form is a ball of light, so the light rays reach a surface area of a small moon. But otherwise? The physical nucleus itself is... is only as big as a rock melon. Probably why I can’t get much taller. Erhm, next-!”

⑭ DREAM JOB ?

“Take Yahweh's job. Not my fault if She made me a better, more responsible leader than She is. 

“And if I was a human... I’ve teased the idea to open up a jazz club. Learn to play the piano. Learn to play guitar. Play music. Sing, even. But no violins-! Of course. I’m still a demon. That can never happen for me.

“I’m happy that I have my current job. Especially because I don’t trust the other demon Lords to not exploit the denizens of Hell for their own personal benefit. And it’s similar to my old one-- guiding everyone to a bigger goal.

⑮ FAVORITE SUBJECT AT SCHOOL ?

“I see that you’ve studied a lot for this interview.”

“I’ve never went to what humans would consider a school, per se, which, fun fact, is based upon a system designed to turn children into obedient factory workers. No, all angels were born with all the knowledge we will ever need... by what Yahweh intended them to be, that is.

“If we relate the concept of Heaven to me as what a human school is to you, I suppose I miss singing our celestial harmonies. Very nice representation of what orchestrated group effort can do. It’s been a long time since I’ve sung, nevermind played a harp, but... I’ve always looked forward to them. Even when they ate up the time we needed to build Earth.”

Tagged by: @hellsrhapsody //thank you scotty!!

[curlicuecal]

Let’s Be Outcasts (Kankri/AR, Latula/Mituna) ch 12/?

Part 2 of cyber!bunny Apocalypse ‘verse (tumblr)

ch: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13

read on AO3

Summary: Divergent AU where AR and Li'l Seb get kicked into a new universe with some snazzy new cyborg bodies. They’re still working out the bugs.

In which AR discovers that kidnapping rarely solves more problems than it creates, Mituna breaks out of a lab (with some help), and Seb continues to take good care of his Bro.

Chapter Excerpt:  

Latula hesitates. It’s just the tiniest hitch in the conversation, but considering how effortlessly she seems to follow even your most scrambled utterances, the pause is noticeable.  “It’s an outworld artifact,” she says, breezy and open.

“Wow, no grab-hulmping ass nugs,” you return before your mind can really analyze if sarcasm is the wisest choice for this situation.  

—–

Ch 12.

Latula, you reflect, has the best secrets.  Or possibly acquires the most excellent ones from other people.  Behind the steel door at the back of the ransacked bunker had been a short, damaged shaft, like something for an out-of-service hivestem lift.  Venturing down the rungs in the shaft wall (a feat, in your case, composed of equal parts climbing and falling), you and Latula had emerged into a second, more confined bunker.  The sprawlingly empty labs in the level above had looked aged and deteriorated, fragile.  A hollowed-out husk prone to falling to pieces at any moment—in retrospect you’re probably lucky your lightshow didn’t damage anything structural.  This room has an equal sense of age, but it is shelled from floor to ceiling in metal plates and girders as if were meant to survive a war.

It’s a bit like being in a tin can, if it turned out that tins cans turned down the exterior noise from your metal mind almost as effectively as that underground dropshaft you hid in for a day, and were therefore very quiet.  The perpetual static of Latula’s sigil chip buzzes and echoes in your metal mind, but you get only brief bursts of the distant voices of the imperial drones circling the city.

The tin can is also full of dazzlingly unfamiliar technology.

You want to look at everything.

You shuffle around the tiny room, pressing your face against screens and poking your fingers into circuit arrays like you could absorb the fascinating new patterns unfolding in your brain through your fingertips.  You’ve managed to move a good chunk of this busy-ness from the inside of your head to the outside, your programmed subtasks paying off in scratchy lines of blue and red text that now scroll across your helmet visor, superimposed appealingly over all the other nonsense your metal mind seems determined to dump into your brain at all times.

You clamber over a counter and pause to contemplate a screen that has flickered on at a nearby hub, watching the numbers count down.  That is new.  With one fraction of your attention, you start mapping out the attached equipment, backwards extrapolating toward what kind of function they might serve.  Your lips twitch up a bit as the countdown flicks past 44:44.

The whole lab could be overwhelming, but instead it’s engrossing.  For once you have no shortage of tasks to divide your attention across, occupations to channel the restless tangle of your mind.  The muffled data inflow from your metal mind fades into the background.

It is, it occurs to you, hard to be all one thing, to marshal all the disparate parts of your mind and your body and match up the edges and push them into lockstep with the world.  With your attention scattered you don’t have to try so hard to keep your balance.  Your blue mind purrs acquisitive conquest while your red mind whispers wary caution that it will all be taken away, that you will be filed into place with the rest of this puzzlingly obsolete equipment.  But you’re steady.

Latula makes a grumbling noise from the back of the room, where she has been poking at the largest device, decoupling connections.  “Hey, ’tunz.”

You turn this inscrutable string of syllables around in your head several times.  Oh.  Is that you?

“You happen to know how to hack an object duality function onto sylladex cards?”

You spend another moment of low-key bewilderment trying to decide if this is something you know how to do.  Object duality: carapacian storage system. Programming structure and relationship to sylladex development: …no data?  Did you never know or did you forget?  “No-oh?” you try, anxiously.  And then, with a bit more confidence as you rifle through files and your brain continues to be completely blank on the subject of non-imperial technology: “Oh-no.”  Still, the idea is interesting.  You engage a few of the sorting programs you’ve coded with your helmet, scanning through the ridiculous backlog of data from your metal mind.  You don’t know if any of this clusterfuck could possibly be relevant to working out a technical puzzle, but you don’t know that it couldn’t.  It gives another portion of your attention something to do.

“Right.  You happen to have a sylladex slot that’s oh, say, this big?”  Latula’s hands dryly sketch out the wall-spanning machine in front of her.

“Dong ilven halve a sillydickth.”

“Huh; we gotta hook you up with something.  You know, assuming we ever get out of here, a thing which would be way the heck easier if I had any way of ganking the massive freaking technorelict I came specifically to hunt down.  Damn it, Porz was supposed to be here.”  She frowns at the machine in question, one hand on her hip.  “Maybe we could just… leave it here?  Come back with company and snag it before the ‘net gets back online and that lab full of dead scienterrorists get noticed.  Assuming…”  Her frown tips down farther.  Her eyes glance toward the dropshaft, then back to her machine.

You turn to squint at the device yourself.  Aside from being big, it doesn’t seem particularly more interesting than any of the other artifacts in the room.  Some blackened screens, something you think might be sensors, a row of large glass cylinders that look a little like the carapacian growth chambers from the level above.

Maybe it’s presumptuous of you, but you’re pretty sure she should just take something smaller.   “Walk innit?” you ask.  No.  Although some of those tubes are certainly big enough. “Waltz is’t.”

Latula hesitates. It’s just the tiniest hitch in the conversation, but considering how effortlessly she seems to follow even your most scrambled utterances, the pause is noticeable.  “It’s an outworld artifact,” she says, breezy and open.

“Wow, no grab-hulmping ass nugs,” you return before your mind can really analyze if sarcasm is the wisest choice for this situation.  Who the fuck are you kidding, your mind has approximately nil control over the shit that plops out of your mouth.  You’re just happy when the contents remotely resemble what went into the digestion.

Latula snickers.  “Yeah, okay, it and everything else in this room.  But this is a big one.  There’s only ever been three found like it before and they all stopped working sweeps and sweeps ago.  ‘Least as far as anyone knows.  Outworld technology is property of the government that finds it after all.  The highblood council or whoevs says it up and broke—who’s there to say diff?”

“You?”  No, wait, you think that was a rhetorical question.  Conversation is hard.  And now Latula is giving you an extremely sharp look, oh, oh.  Torn between the desire to apologize and the desire to make her look at you more, you instead wander closer and examine her pet artifact more closely.  Like you, it seems to be at the interface of technology and biology.  Something artificial, but designed to work with living systems.  Not the type of assemblage that could be used to modify a hatchling into a cyberorganic construct, no, you can’t make that fit the structure of the thing, but.

Not the right pattern of parts for the carapacian’s genetic modification projects either.  You thought before it reminded you of the sort of equipment they might use to grow their generations of workers and soldiers, all the various castes of their population.  Something for biological creation, yes, maybe…

“I’d really rather you didn’t overthink this,” Latula says, into your thoughts.  “Or, like.  Try not to pull out any more of your mad insights?  ‘Cause I’m working on being responsible over here and I hella can’t promise that info’d work out safe for you.”

You spend a few complicated moments trying to determine how not to think about something and a few more wondering why this would possibly matter.  In your experience, your thoughts and intentions have very little correlation to any of the things that happen to you.  You wind up just staring at Latula.

“Unless you’d rather I told you?”  Latula asks, not at all like she thinks your decisions don’t matter.  “Because, I mean.  I figure you’ve got as much right to know what’s going down as anyone.  More than.  It’s just...  right now if things go completely ingestible-tree-ovoid shaped you could maybe slide outta it on not knowing and being, like.  Technically stolen lab equipment?  But if I tell, you’re kinda stuck with me ‘til game over.”  She gives you a little fatalistic grin and shoulder shrug.  “Win or lose.  However the hell it all goes down.”

That sounds… really nice actually.  In a flippantly ominous kind of way.  You’ve sort of been figuring your whole life will implode any hour now—a seesaw swing of the pendulum for all the unexpected fortune you’ve been granted in defiance of probability.  You’d spend every second of that time with Latula if the choice was in your fronds to make.

Latula looks at you like she thinks maybe it is.

“But, hey.  Maybe we’ll go down in the fun way ‘stead of the dying horribly way.”  She wiggles her eyebrows and grins and then tucks her hair behind her ear and looks half away from you.  “You want in on this?” It echoes between the twice-two halves of your mind, flesh and metal, red and blue.

(“You wanna get outta here?”)

You dig your teeth in your lip and remember to breathe.  You’ve caught her hand in your own without noticing and that’s starting to be a habit.  She lets you keep it.  So, is she dumb for not realizing by now just how far you would follow her, or are you dumb for never guessing that first invitation might have been for keeps?

There’s a completely nonsensical smile twitching across your face.  For what’s visible beneath the helmet you must look completely deranged, but Latula’s got a smile growing to match.

Your answer tangles with a thrum in your throat and comes out sounding more like a dirty suggestion than a word.

“…Yeah?” Latula says, eyes bright as lit fuses, and reels you in.

Or maybe you’re both really, really fucking smart.

You do eventually  have to pull up for air, only for Latula to spend a giggly few moments testing the bony angle of your jaw with her teeth, following it back to where flesh meets the metal of your left interface.  You even took off your helmet for her, despite how dizzingly like freefall the sensation of losing the control it provides is.  It’s worth it when she tugs you by the hair, tweaks your horn.  When she snickers at the huffy noise you make when you give up on shaking your overgrown bangs from your ganderbulbs.  Latula feels like the very best kind of freefall.

You nuzzle at her face, hair, hands, anywhere you can reach, and her fingers trace fractal patterns back along your jaw and cheekbone, down from the raised headphone-like interfaces you have where ears might be and down along the vulnerable skin of your neck.

“Wow, babez, you are all over circuits.”  One finger plucks testingly at the high collar of your flightsuit and you make a happy, contented noise for her.  “How far down do these go, anyways?”

Hm.  “I four-get?”

“Oh!”  Latula pops back up from your neck to grin into your face, eyes lit up like you just handed her a present.  “…wanna find out?”

The words lick through you like an electric current.  Straight to your nook.  But in a fun way.

You blink again—one, two, three, four—and then tangle a hand in her hair, because yes, okay, good, perfect.  Words not functioning, but no part of you has any confusion on the answer to that question.  Latula folds into you, laughing—and then abruptly keeps folding, her laughter blowing out in a hiss as she turns her forward momentum into a shoulder roll across the equipment-cluttered counter behind you.  Your own breath abandons you with an oomph as your ass cushions hit the floor.  Falling is like your special talent.

Metal and wires clatter to the floor.  Something shatters.  A pale shape skitters by, flitting through the air, dodging debris, and Latula sweeps up her staff—wow, when did she put that down, you’re not sure you’ve ever seen her let her weapon out of arm’s reach before—and scrambles in pursuit.  The point of her staff stabs out once, twice—and then she’s pinned it, just before it could dart into a crevice behind a wall unit.

“Aw, fuck it all,” Latula mutters, frowning at the fist-sized genemod still twitching and oozing blue goo onto the point of her staff.  “I just can’t catch a break tonight.”

Your adrenaline-sped pusher suggests otherwise.  You are (red) panicky and (blue) panicky, but you also just did the psiistorm thing twenty minutes ago and one floor up, so you are mostly just balancing on the panicky in a fun, internal way.  It’s almost comforting in how familiar it is.  And nobody’s dying; that’s nice.  Winning all around.

You scramble for your helmet and take only two tries to get it on.

Better.

Making your way around the counter, you peer past the flashing text on your helmet view screen to squint over Latula’s shoulder at the fluttery, leggity hoofbeast-faced thing.  It has about a half a dozen more eyes than you feel are really called for and looks like something some carapacian geneticuller spliced half the contents of his DNA library into on a whim.   You can’t see anything in particular to make it worth looking at—other than the ungodly suspiciousness of a feral genemod turning up two levels down in a sealed underground bunker lab in time to interrupt your make outs.

It’s a scientifically engineered nookblock, is what it is.

Latula’s eyes dart around the confines of the lab again, narrow and seeking.  You don’t need higher level processing programs to recognize a pattern.  You just wish someone would explain why it matters.

“Think we just got put on a timer,” she mutters.   Your head twitches uncertainly toward the console across the lab, the one with the countdown running on the screen, but Latula’s turning back toward the wall-spanning outworld device in front of you.  She faces it down with more determination than conviction.  “Right.  Get the goods and get gone.  Hm."

You blow out a frustrated breath through your nose.  “’tu-la, what.”

Her eyes shoot to you almost guiltily.  “Um.  So.  Speaking of deetz I haven’t been sharing with the schoolfeed cohort.”  She fiddles the little mutant corpse free of her staff, holding it up by one of the many insectoid legs before flipping it out of sight, into her sylladex.  “It’s possible somebody’s using these to track us.  I wasn’t sure for a while, but the co-inky-dinks are kinda piling up now, and…” her patter trails off, face going inwards-turned.  Her free hand toys with the red scarf concealing her hanging scar. “…I sorta feel like this is all familiar in the bad way.”

Shitty titfucking nose-bulge, you have no idea what any of that means.

Latula’s eyebrows go up and, yep, you are surprise audio-tracking a static-y version of your internal dialogue.  You bite your tongue on the middle of the string of curses exiting your maw, gulping off the runaway flow through straight bodily force.  At least you’ve also cut short the post-make out ‘murder and contemplation of dead things’ portion of the evening.  Small victories.

“Sorry,” Latula says, which has the novelty of coopting your next avenue of verbal stress dump.  “I’m not trying to be cryptic; it’s just like a disease.  I think my life is half lies these days.” She twists her hand in the scarf.  “Or half-truths.  Maybe whap me upside the head or something when it happens.”

Alarming.  No.

Although, with your coordination and her cooperation maybe you could just skip to whapping random body parts together.  Eheheh.

“So, right.  Cards on the recreation platform.  Think you’ve sneaked a peek at like half the deck already.  This obnoxiously complicated dealio here,” she gestures at her giant out-world artifact, “is for making wigglers the un-fun way.  And like I said, this is the super rare, holographic edition kinda item; a lot of people would like to get their claws on it.  So, okay, there’s me and Porz and some other peepz—I dunno if Kurloz counts he’s kind of nuts—and the deal is—“  —but you don’t get to find out if she’s winding up to tell you about her kinky breeding program plans or what.  You don’t actually hear the soft shuff of a misplaced footfall, you just see Latula’s eyes flick toward the dropshaft and your auditory sponges catch up later.  “—the deal is,” Latula continues, voice even as ever, eyes suddenly bright and fixed on you, “I’m going to need to put a save point in this explanation for later.  All these things popping up that need taking care of, you know how it goes.”

As she speaks, she steps back slightly and to the side, like she’s going back to the device, tucks her staff with apparent casual disinterest under her arm.  Caught in her eyes, you turn with her.  It’s only belatedly that your instincts catch up to the way this places your back to the empty dropshaft and whatever made that noise.  Your pumpbiscuit trips and speeds in your chest, red fear and blue fury and you don’t fall to either because you’re watching her sort sylladex cards and thinking about the way your back to the shaft means her hands out of view.

She comes up with a set of finger-sized knives like mawbeast fangs, and something small and metallic, held so the chain won’t clink.  They disappear up her sleeves.  “Sorry to keep expo-bailing on you,” she says, and her voice makes a joke of it.  “…Trust me?”

“Yes.”  Your reply, for once, comes out crystal clear, as sure as your certainty, a perfect line between thought and action.

Latula’s own next line stops halfway out of her mouth, like you’ve startled her.  You watch her pupils flare wide and dark, the teal in her irises brightening in contrast.  Her tongue touches her lip, her breath caught there.  You get a glimpse of her dichotomies again—all vulnerable/dangerous and careful/reckless and hungry/satisfied—and she’s not more honest like this, just different honest, like seeing the flipside of a coin in the air.  

“...oh,” she says, in this naked, bruise-roughened voice that flips your pusher and sends a clench of pity dizzily through your veins.

Just a glimpse, and then the coin revolves and her game face is back in place, determined and calculating and exhilarated.  She leans in toward you, close enough to kiss, close enough to be indistinguishable to an observer.  Close enough you can feel her grin a breath away from your lips.  “Hold that thought, babe.”

A moment later she's sliding past you and into ambush so fast you almost can’t see it.  There’s a flurry of noise from the bunker’s exit, a rustle of cloth and the scrambling metallic sounds of someone ascending a ladder at speed.  Latula disappears up the shaft after her unseen quarry and you’re left blinking after her, hands clutching the item she pressed into them.

You flick your eyes down.

It’s… her sylladex.  On the top three cards are all the components to the device she’s secured so far—everything she could break down small enough to captchalogue.  You stare at the device for two beats more, at all her belongings placed in your hands, and then you reboot a half dozen internal processes and start towards the dropshaft exit.  You struggle the sylladex into assemblage with your helmet’s fetch modus slot as you go.

A flicker of psionic sparks licks the back of your brain, high on adrenaline, half nervy, half pumped.  You check your emotional balance, tweak your programs—and start up the ladder after her.  Above you, the sounds of a fight grow quieter, and you think the confrontation might be done before you get there.  Oh, good.

You’re pretty sure you can keep her stuff safe, but you can’t make any guarantees about this building.

---

next>>

[fortnitetoolz]

Run the web based Fortnite hack tool

You can find so many approaches to ease your brain. You deserve to savor your free moment. After waiting for an extended time, you can easily meet your selected game all over again. Yes, Fortnite is actually hard to help resist. This online game offers everything you want at a game. Do you want the special combination of every favored element within one online game? This game would not let anyone down. No wonder, there's no game which may have so several devoted lovers as that one. It can be including a person, right? You will find more techniques, which assist you to enjoy this game for the fullest. Do not you want to know?

Who does not recognize the remarkable game, which can be inspired through the popular books and Television shows? The more you enjoy it, the harder you think its great. The mix of fantasy, activity, battle as well as strategy is actually unbeatable. As stated above, Fortnite gives everything for your gamers. They hold the whole package so that it is tricky to withstand the appeal. As a new gamer, you are feeling the countless challenge in such a game. For that reason, you require some helps you to be by far the most powerful empire. It is not difficult by any means to get what you would like. Some hacks will assist the gamers to defeat the method game.

Probably, you continue to be hesitating around the hack. Nicely, there usually are some optimistic reasons make use of the Fortnite hack. The first reason will be V-Bucks. Indeed, it is centered on V-Bucks. Without having V-Bucks, you might be nothing within the hard along with harsh battlefield. V-Bucks enables you to purchase everything to compliment your fight. If you have the standard ways, it's hard to get unlimited free V-Bucks. Future, the hack also allows you get unrestricted food for ones entire kingdom. When the opponents should want to do anything for food, it is possible to eat anything you want even from the hard times. In improvement, having supplies as wood is no issue anymore. Here is the magic involving hack tools.

The Fortnite hack offers everything for your fans of the game. Immediately after using that, it is actually guaranteed you are able to play the game without almost any difficulties. Also, playing video game is more enjoyable than just before. It is very worth striving. There are usually some highlights of the Fortnite hack tool. It lets you get unlimited important sources as V-Bucks, food and wood. Next, the tools have become simple to operate and it's got friendly software. The tools are usually private proxy assist. It suggests 100% undetected and 100% free virus. Surely, it does not bring almost any problems in your device.

Do you need to know more top features of the Fortnite hack? Get ready to learn the amazing a look at it. Wherever you want to use, it does not matter. The Fortnite hack works on most platforms. It is rather flexible that you'll gain exactly the same effects. Furthermore, the users are certain to get automatic improvements. This is a plus. The different players will never defeat you. Who may conquest you once you have everything within your kingdom? They must be afraid of the kingdom mainly because it has the actual powerful resources.

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 7

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Rifftrax presents "Cool As Ice" --1991-- *Snow aka Justin Bieber gives Bella Swan goosebumps and crotch-rocket road rash.* 3 stars with riffing or running from zero to 1 star without

"Dumb and Dumber To" ---2014--- *Sloppy seconds.* 2 stars

VH1 --sneak peak-- "Suave Says" --2014-- *A "thrilling" inside look into the post music career, current evangelical motivational speaking venture, and wealthy domestic drama of a one hit wonder pop star from wayback in 1991. Gerardo aka Rico Suave.* 1/2 a star

"That's My Boy" (2012) *Topics like underage student and teacher sexual relationships and incest are dealt with maturely by Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, and Vanilla Ice. Of course not, but this isn't even creatively controversial or riotously raunchy in any remarkable way. It's just another formulaic Adam Sandler movie that hits all the same notes as usual.* either zero stars or 1 star

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- -The Comedy Network- (1998) *Bemused, pertubed, fumed. These are just a few of the reactions Tom illicits from anyone not in on the joke.* 2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of Laughing in the Dark *"Pick the right door, and you'll go free. Pick the wrong door, and there he'll be." He being a cigar puffing, nightmarish, funhouse clown.* 3 stars

"Housebound" ---2014--- *"An active mind in an inactive environment." The Brits make a superbly spooky mystery with dry and subtle humor.* 3 stars

"Chonda Pierce On Her Soapbox" (1999) *Folksy entertainment variety and jubilee from a real life Peggy Hill.* 1 star

Buckmasters -Young Bucks- "The Misadventures of Bubba" (1992) *Near fatal hunting accidents hilarity with a Jim Varney caricature.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

"Dancing Outlaw, Jesco White" (1991) & Jesco Goes to Hollywood (1994) *''Sorrow, hatred, and madness. '' "If you wanna get to heaven, you got to raise a little hell."* Heaven for Jesco is dancing at Elvis' star on the Hollywood walk of fame and guest starring on Roseanne or huffing fumes.*        3 stars

Fargo: The Crocodile's Dilemma *"What's the policy? See, I'm sort of a student of institutions." Billy Bob Thornton can play indifferent malice like no other.* 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Sofa *Lord Snooty's couch, club card, co-opting of other people's conundrums, and crisis 'cause he can't stand to be cuddled.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

12:01 Beyond-- Christmas Special 2014 -------------------------------

*World Friendship Society - Please Just Go (music video)* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Le Passage (movie trailer): More badass than Home Alone and Rambo.*          3 stars

*Lobo for the charity "Socks for Tots" gently used socks for children at Christmas at the North Pole. Lonely odd socks for lonely odd kids.* 2 1/2 stars

*Ninja, the Mission Force: "Clam chowder can only mean a ninja challenge."*     2 1/2 stars

*Lobo argues the Holiday Blues with his potted plant, Ms. Mittens.*         between 2 & 2 1/2 *

*Fleischer Studios - Superman - The Arctic Giant: A kaiju nearly destroys Metropolis and swallows Lois whole.* 3 stars

*Treevenge: sentient x-mas trees turn the tables on crass Christmas celebrations and begin tearing the merry folk to shreds.* 3 stars

*Lobo fills holiday stockings full of leftover Halloween Candy.* 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo meets Ro-Man the Robot Monster from the 1950s B sci fi movie, at the north pole, and suggests he kidnap Santa Claus.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Reverse Pharmacology: Incredibly hilarious imagined symptoms of a placebo taken by medical test subjects under lab conditions.* close to 3 stars

*Pueblo Sleep Solutions presents 'The Bedtime Bruiser' (commercial)*               2 1/2 stars

*Don't Open Till Christmas (movie): Scotland Yard is on the case of serial slayings of Santas.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo gets an 8 track player for X Mas* 2 stars

*The Lobo (DC Comics character, not the guy from the 12:01 skits) Paramilitary Christmas Special: The Easter Bunny hires the meanest bounty hunter in the galaxy to hunt down and take out the fat man and his elves.* 3 stars

*Sleigh Runner: The Communist tradition of Christmas is put to an end by a Eastern European Rob Zombie lookalike cowboy killer.* 2 1/2 stars

*Happy Holidays to all the fans of the New Mission Impossible (tv series).*          3 stars

*"This Christmas forget milk and cookies. He wants blood." TWo Front Teeth (low budget movie trailer). The elves in this flick look pretty nightmarish and the characters, especially the black cowboy, look interesting. Interest peaked.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures Serial -The Crimson Ghost- Chapter 3- The Fatal Sacrifice:  The Crimson Ghost's hideous high wire act.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*The metal band HEMI perform the song Dust to Dust live in a club.*           close to 3 stars

*Neon Harbor presents Space Ninja the animated movie: A cyber dystopia mixed with feudal Japan. technology and swordplay eyecandy-gorgeous must see for me.* 3 stars

*Ro-Man mistakenly beheads Santa for Lobo who claims no responsibility for the death of the mythical character.* 2 1/2 stars

*Action International Home Pictures presents the "Gruesome Holiday shocker." "Elves" starring Grizzly Adams (retro movie trailer)* 3 stars

*Vinegar Syndrome presents on Blu Ray "You Better Watch Out" aka "Christmas Evil": And they've added a beautifully twisted painted portrait of the movie's tragic hero on the box art.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tales from the Crypt: The Ventriloquist's Dummy *Pathetic weirdo and hack ventriloquist comedian Bobcat Goldthwait's idol Don Rickles isn't really a retired, bitter legend of ventriloquism. He's actually a prisoner of his own responsibility to keep his beautiful-woman-hating, conjoined twin freak brother from ever killing again.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Deadline ----------

*Writing obituaries does seem like the typically morbid Summer job that a Springwood teenager would have.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Springwood, where suicidal teenagers wish they were dead so that they can be reunited with their ghost bff(s) and douchebag, ponytailed dreamlovers.*      2 stars

---------------------------------------------

Red Shoe Diaries: Safe Sex *A smooth talker brings a sad, vulnerable business professional lady in out of the rain, and she still makes him wear a raincoat in bed. So, so, softcore stories sent in to a personal ad's post office box and then picked up and retold by shadowy anywhere North America David Duchovny character, which is nice trimming for the show, but damn is the sensitive lite soul torch singing background music awful. I prefer a cheesy, solo saxophone over this -Lifetime For Women lyrics- boner killing tripe.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Brian De Palma's "The Black Dahlia" (2006) *I'm a sucker for Los Angeles noir settings, slaughtered pretty girls like Laura Palmer, and conspiracy art like Alan Moore's From Hell.* 2 1/2 stars

Transparent: season 1 -episode 1 *Three self absorbed siblings can't see past themeselves enough to be aware of their father for what he truly is and themselves for what they might actually be. The conservative side of me wants to say that this is more of liberal Hollywood's agenda to undermine traditional America by saying everyone secretly wants and would be happier with an alternative lifestyle. Also, I can't remember the last time I saw so many aesthetically interesting (not exploitive or trying too hard to be sexy) glimpses of comfortable nudity.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Cyrano DeBraniac *"The savage game of sexual attraction" requires all of one's synapses to be firing and it doesn't hurt to have a time and space manipulating genie, who's also sexy, to unzip Einstein's undead brain out of the fourth dimension.*             2 1/2 stars

Thundarr the Barbarian: Den of the Sleeping Demon *A pair of clumsy junior adventurers, and their huge bird friend, help rebury a genetic research monstrosity that was given a high voltage reawakening.*      3 stars

--- Swamp Thing: The Dark Side of the Mirror

*Everyone in this town is so stupid and easily manipulated that Arcane could have probably just walked up to the new determined district attorney, at dinner in a fancy restaurant, and shot him in the head, instead of genetically mutating the musclebound moronic deputy into a Swamp Thing double assassin.

The town formed an extremely enraged mob, in a matter of minutes, and even the longest running protagonist human characteron the show (Jim's mom) is willing to throw her morals aside for blind vengeance.

Thank goodness Jim's brother Will, the new female lead Kari Wuhrer, and Swamp Thing are decent characters.

I'm glad for the upgrade from Jim to Will. Will is a better character and it gives the show more of an adult cast and less of a Timmy fell down the well and needs to be saved, each week, routine.

Still, some of the acting is low quality from the extras.

Feels like they used the stunt man from the fight scenes to do the lines, to save money, when it would have been better to switch him out for a real actor.*

between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

--------------------------------------------------

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 17 *A wild goose chase for the legendary Mothman. The leader of PRS probably doesn't realize how much he comes off like X Files' Fox Mulder as he keeps repeating the phrase "I want to believe."* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Sentry *"Don't linger in the shadows." It will "rile the bile" about lizard-men living deep within the earth where corporations and shadowy government organizations are storing their darkest secrets. The most daring reporter,ever, of tabloid monster mysteries makes his last (documented) stand down there.* 3 stars

"Room 237" (2012) *"The past doesn't exist." But film historians, and fans, are still dissecting the ghost of Stanley Kubrick and the symbolic filmic events surrounding the almost mythical Overlook Hotel.* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "Conquest" (1983) *Cro-Magnon man was ruled by a cruel dominatrix / naked lady performance artist / new-age goddess, along with her band of fanatical furries. That is until Ronnie James Dio & Luke Skywalker changed things. Conquest establishes itself apart from other low budget and dumb sword & sorcery flicks, of the early 1980s, with its dreamlike aesthetic and gore-crazy practical special fx.*   between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Begotten" (1990) *Imagine a super 8mm National Geographic hallucination of twitching, early 20th century mental patients being tortured and abused in the ruins of a 19th century pastoral southern gothic wasteland lurked over by pre-modern-civilization tribal sacrificial rites that are even more hellish and nightmarish than actual pagan practices predating contemporary times. Black mold on the walls of farmhouses with sun peeled paint and holes in the tin roof where the sound of dripping rain and viscus is constant on rusting metal surfaces that lie just beyond open rock quarries crawled over by lepers, in rags, dragging shaved and mutilated Christ-like figures who spew black stigmata from their weeping eyes and mouths.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Taint Misbehavin' *A dying Dan Halen requires the citizens of Dougal County to join him in the paradise of the afterlife. Granny and Early get giddy because they mistakenly believe they're going to a resort town in Tennessee, when they're actually heading for the ancient Egyptian land of the dead.* 2 1/2 stars

Workaholics -2015 Season- --preview trailer-- *Some Comedy Central money went into a 2 minute parody of the new Mad Max movie, popular crime tv shows like Sons of Anarchy, strippers, bullet porn fx, and "cool" explosions.* close to 2 1/2 stars (for the misguided effort)

Hannibal: Apéritif *The mongoose meets the cobra.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The House of the Seven Gargoyles *An icy fate for an acrobatic dwarf creeping around a castle posing as a gothic statue and trying to choke his unsuspecting victims.* 3 stars

Dr. Who (4th Doctor - Tom Baker): The Android Invasion *A Benedict Arnold astronaut returns from being lost in space, now brainwashed by aliens carrying a shipment of human replicants and a deadly virus.* 3 stars

Farscape: Jeremiah Crichton *Crichton becomes a castaway on green planet inhabited by a tribal, and somewhat peaceful people, although there is some jealousy when the daughter of the chief becomes smitten with Crichton. After spending part of a cycle looking for Crichton, Rigel and Dargo find him all scruffy and weather beaten. In a Return of the Jedi C3PO twist, Rigel is the tribe's prophesized messiah and the three must save these exiled, forced by forcefield to be primitive people, or else be sacrificed themselves due to stupid politics and a conspiracy of priestly hierarchy.* 3 stars

Bob & Margaret: For Pete's Sake *Bob's brother is a pretentious tv chef, and when he gets a gig in India, Bob and Margaret have to look after his two annoying brats.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Dark Music *The power to control demonic forces, living in the root cellar, lies in the sounds on the radio. A tired of being picked on paperboy uses this knowledge to payback the scummy metal-head bully next door and his mean, little sister.*       3 stars

"The Initiation of Sarah" (1978) *This feels like a hazy 70s tv movie version of Carrie the college years. Two sisters pledge and go through the occult like Greek sorrority ceremonies. The good looking one gets picked by Morgan Fairchild's meangirl sisters and has to be cruel to the other. The timid one has her telepathic powers exploited by a witch wannabe Shelly Winters in the rival plain Jane house complete with a maze backyard.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

---Thrashin'--- (1987) *Square jawed Josh Brolin is too straight laced to be taken seriously by skatepunks in the 80s L.A. skatescene. The leader of a gang of Lost Boys also wants Brolin to stay away from his out of town and just visiting, Idaho pretty tomato younger sister. It hits all the right notes for an 80s extreme sports fun adventure flick.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Fitting Punishment *A cheapskate ghetto mortician is willing to cut corners no matter the cost to human decency. He embalms using dirty tap water. He buys cheap coffins from China. He clips out the gold and silver teeth of the deceased. He even blames his orphaned nephew for being a financial burden and cripples him, then sells his Air Jordans to pay medical expenses. When that's not enough, he murders him and saws him a foot shorter above the ankles so that he can stuff the boy into a cheap coffin for Chinamen.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Film At Eleven *Llama stolen from the zoo and almost used in a slumland apartment voodoo ceremony. Cops style film crew documenting the precinct. Herman Dracula, alledged wannabe vampire. It's funny until he commits suicide in his private cell. Ballistics confirms that they've found the handgun used in the near fatal shooting of officers Renko & Hill. Relief comes with uncertainty. It's raining in the police station, the roof is leaking and everyone is getting the flu because of it. This show can't help but end on a melancholy note due to all the lingering emotions. Rollercoaster, as usual.* 3 stars

Tru Tv- --South Beach Tow-- --Bernice's Top 20-- *"Best of" countdown of fake reality show beatdowns by an angry black woman?* 1 star

Botched: Vagina Bomb! *The same network (E!) that encourages viewers to idolize trainwreck celebrities and their fake bodies, also exploits sick individuals who've butchered their own bodies in order to achieve that phony Hollywood dream. Of course this show is under the guise of "fixing" plastic surgery mistakes, but the client/patient usually receives even more body enhancements and still looks like a nightmare.* either zero stars or 2 stars

True Detective: The Long Bright Dark *Heathen homicide in a hick shit-haven where if one doesn't parrot the standard beliefs of others, and oddly speaks in a stream of consciousness like Cormac McCarthy, then one's peers tilt their heads and cock their ears like a confused dog in misunderstanding and disbelief.* 3 stars

---- New Year's Movie Marathon ---------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Time Runner (1992) *Spoilers, for The Force Awakens, ahead. Be Warned. Years after Return of the Jedi, Luke is having a midlife crisis and skynet is using star destroyers to blow up Los Angeles. So he travels back in time to the Washington Canadian border getting in ugly rental car chases with human looking alien Rae Dawn Chong and gunning down well armed baddies, along side the goofy deputy from Twin Peaks, & watching  their hilarious death throes. All while making sure Senator Palpatine can't prevent Seth Rogen and James Franco from nuking North Korea thirty years in the future. Make sense?* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: 12 To The Moon                      ---plus---                       "Dream to Design" -short- *The woman of the future visits the satellite of love and turns the robots crow and tom servo into kitschy househould appliances. meanwhile, the united nations of nasa proves earth's worthiness to the lunar neighbors.*                     2 1/2 stars with riffing and between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without

Terry Gilliam's "Brazil" *A depressed Da Vinci with his wings clipped by the dulled scissors that society can no longer cut all the red tape with.* 3 stars

Fritz Lang's "Metropolis" *In my life of relative ease, I watch this movie on my cheap consumer electronics provided for me by workers in horrible third world conditions.*           3 stars

"Starry Eyes" (2014) *Ambition. Attrition. Ascension. All the way from Hooters Girl who can't get taken seriously at low-grade movie auditions to transforming into a Hollywood harlot comes at the price of one's soul taken by the Satanists who run the movie industry and helped sanctified with blood and betraying those closest also climbing the ladder.* close to 3 stars

"Messiah of Evil" (1973) *What if, after Thanksgiving, America honored the Donner Party Massacre by having Black Friday be masses of mad people tearing into raw red meat at supermarkets? This flick is like the eerie calm before an apocalypse. Too weird, almost, to describe, and if one tried to, a bug would appear on their tongue and they would cough up insects and lizards.* 3 stars

"Strange Days" (1995) *"Memories were meant to be forgotten. They were designed that way." Let old acquaintance as well. 20 year old predictions about the new century, by James Cameron, are still pretty relevant. Questions about the abuse of police force. Urban upheaval and riots. Voyeurism being a social media (though it's not as seedy as it's imagined in this movie).Things James Cameron got a little off are plenty too. Musicians stopped being, for the most part, political messengers. Trainwreck skank rock queens like Courtney Love aren't nearly as talented as James thinks or as worth going through hell over, but they're still a huge part of the media's obsession. Found footage and virtual reality may just be entertainment fantasy, but the themes in this movie are played out daily on actual viral videos.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Max Headroom: Academy *What if corporations had their own legal systems? What if a death penalty trial was turned into a tv game show? Viewers of the HLN network sort of get to experience this. What if criminal profiles were assigned to innocent people who fit a certain stereotype? Wait a minute....* 3 stars

Joe R. Lansdale's "Cold In July" (2014) *A considerate and well adjusted family man has to stand his ground, on shaky legs, but isn't in the overzealous camp of his hometown neighbors who wanna pat him on the back for it. He never feels right about the incident and his remorse pulls him into a world of Dixie mafia killings, Texas Mexico border crime, and a friendship with a flamboyant and dogged private detective and the deeply burdened man who mistakenly stalked the family man's family when he was wrongly convinced the family man slayed his son in the stand your ground incident. In a bizarre twist, the three men come together to help the deeply burdened man solve his burden of putting down his wayward son who's making snuff films with hookers. It reminds me a lot of William Devane's "Rolling Thunder," another revenge flick with a lot of bitter sorrow and dark themes.*      3 stars

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- --The Comedy Network-- (1998) *Tom is an absurdist comedian who can sometimes be traditionally clever in his humor. He drinks purple koolaid with a cult who worship an alien version of Jesus Christ's brother, he ruins an Elvis impersonator street performance and almost gets his ass kicked for it, and he continues to try to prove he's the biggest idiot in the room.* close to 2 1/2 stars

The Prisoner: The Schizoid Man *The Village have number 6 convinced he's twice the man he was using an uncanny double.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 episode 7 *"People work together when it suits them, they're loyal when it suits 'em, they love when it suits 'em, and they kill when it suits them."* 3 stars

"Under the Skin" (2013) *Scarlet Joe Handsome is an enticing alien, in a black wig and brightly painted lips, driving around Scotland, in a pedo van, indifferently observing all the quiet, everyday human suffering and luring horny, confused men back to her abandoned building / nest / spaceship(?) --where they step sinking into a surreal black pool of liquid.* either 1/2 a star or 2 stars

American Horror Story- -Coven -The Replacements *Sober Santeria. What other show is going to have a pothead, white trash mom molest her patchwork monster, back from the morgue, college boy son? or let a juicy and morbidly obese black virgin finger herself in front of a minotaur? not many spring to mind.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: The Edge *Zanatos uses the steel clan and a Tony Stark type tech gargoyle suit to frame the real gargoyles for the museum heist of 'the eye of Odin,' in order to have the cops chasing them all around town and scare them into coming back under the wings of his 'protection,' which would have the gargoyles inprisoned in a research lab.* 3 stars

Rifftrax - Total Riff Off - Man vs. Monster *"Meeting the channel's factual quota, we now return to the bullshit." Rifftrax skewers another one of those pretentious explorer douchebags, from National Geographic Wild,  that are always trying to turn a simple creature of nature into a tall tale monster.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

Son of the Beach: With Sex You Get Eggroll *satire of sex slaves and sex jokes, both smartly done.* 3 stars

Carman -Yo Kidz! -The Vidz *Gnarly Jesus dudes, hip musical kids, and cumbersome cat costumes.* 1 star

Morton Downey Jr.: Cults *A man who once had a cult-like tv audience examines mind control organizations and self-help pseudo-religions.* close to 3 stars

Mel Brooks in "High Anxiety" *Side-splitting neuroses.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Korman's Kalamity *A cartoonist's monstrous creations come to life after years of nagging from an abusive spouse and his recent forced use of an experiment male potency medication.*  2 1/2 stars

"Al-TV" -April Fools Day 1984 *"I could just watch videos all day until my brain turned to mush. Couldn't you?" Weird Al takes over MTV from its bland video disc jockeys and turns the channel into the absurdity it should be.* 3 stars

"Traxx" (1998) *"Be good, be gone, or be dead." Shadoe Stevens is one tough cookie as he parodies every 80s action hero vigilante and western cowboy cliche come to clean up a Troma version of a Texas town in one of the weirdest, left field comedies ever.* 3 stars

Hippies: Protesting Hippies *Simon Pegg tries to spark a Y2K revival of the comedic rebelliousness of The Young Ones with a Britcom That 60s Show.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Pilot Episode *A "Jew, New York doctor" finds unspoiled land, wildlife, hell... even people (patients) "just waiting to be fondled" in middle-of-nowhere, Alaska.* 3 stars

X Files: Space *Otherworldy phantom sabotaging shuttle missions. A study on how stifled and subdued the space program has become.* 2 1/2 stars

"Freaks, Nerds, and Weirdos" -MTV (1994) *MTV NEWS looks at Generation X's social outcasts like nerdy hipster college kids, quirky celebrities, and alternative musicians and they talk about their struggles with being different from "the norm." Ironically, the show is framed with commercials featuring beautiful skin care and fashion model young people bragging about how great it is to be one of the in group of the beautiful ones.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Myth of the American Sleepover" (2010) *The last bittersweet days of Summer and the pre-conceived notion of sublimity for a group of suburban teenagers. Indie movies about the adolescent rite of passage to adulthood aren't as fun as exploitation flicks about the same thing, but the delicate and thoughtful manner in which the subject matter is approached allows for more personal reflection for the viewer.* close to 3 stars

Turner Classic Movies: Beneath the Planet of the Apes *Twice as bleak of an ending as the first.* 3 stars

--- "Bates Motel" (1987)

*After spending his youth in the looney bin with Norman Bates as his father figure, Bud Court (Harold & Maude), and a great casting choice, inherits the Bates Motel from the deceased Norman whom he carries around in an urn afterwards.

With the help of a spunky squatter (Lori Petty) and a Morgan Freeman esque handyman, he reopens the falling apart eyesore and deals with the rumors of the place being haunted and the fast moving yuppies of the 80s who wanna exploit the property to keep with the changing and advancing landscape of the times.

Tonally a weird mixture of maudlin and mockingly humorous. Whoda thunk they could take a legacy of a Hitchcock suspense thriller and throw in one those feel good fixing up the place montages, a Happy Days 1950s teen ghosts dance party with a dreamlover angel Jason Bateman, and Scooby Doo villain plot twist?*

either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------------

"An Evening With Bobcat Goldthwait, Share The Warmth" (1987) *Bobcat chugs two six-packs of TAB and then proceeds to frighten uncomfortable laughter out of a group of yuppies in a nightclub.* 2 1/2 stars

"Beyond Vaudeville" (1986-90s) *Best of a weird NYC public access variety show with guests and acts like Grandpa Munster, Tiny Tim, "the Edith Bunker of massage," climbing Harpo's ladder with Wavy Gravy, Burt Reynold's fantasy Turkish woman (possible delusional stalker), Greg Brady, the arm and the giant from Twin Peaks, the theme from the Flying Nun on spoons, Rock Around the Clock in Yiddish, an Underdog / Dracula enthusiast / interpretive dancer, and many other pathetic bizarre folk. Sammy Davis who?* 3 stars

Morton Downey Jr.: Central Park Squatters *A heated shouting match between freaks and fascists over the issue of gentrification.* 3 stars

"Scoundrels" (1982) a Cecil Howard adult film *"Life's too fucking short." Ron Jeremy is the long dick, long suffering dad, just like Kevin Spacey, in a sexually frustrated slice of American Pie.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Murder House- "Rubber Man" *"What is it about being dead that makes me so horny?" Hysterical lady troubles.* close to 3 stars

"The Guest" (2014) *A psychotic super-soldier gone awol and come to roost with the troubled family of a fallen comrade. Pulses like an homage to 80s action movies in the vein of John Carpenter.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 1 *Bluegrass Helter Skelter.* 3 stars

Chrisley Knows Best: The Great Outdoors *Chrisley reluctantly takes his sons camping at the lake, while wishing he were more like his hero Oprah and scaring his 8 year old with the legend of Jason Vorhees.* 2 stars

Comic Book Men: Ghostbusting at the Stash *Sitting around ye ole podcast table and sharing spooky stories about things like the Jersey Devil.* 1 star

"The White Buffalo" (1977) *Charging out of Hell and into Heaven were men like Wild Bill, Crazy Horse, and Charles Bronson.* 3 stars

Kung Fu, the series: Dark Angel *Words lost, eyes blinded, and riches not found, but, at the same time, roots replanted, senses regained, and faith restored.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invasion U.S.A. (feature) & A Date with the Family (short) *Rigid dinners with loved ones, or heavy drinking with a group of barflies, is a great opportunity to discuss how every American should do more in their part to combat the Red Menace.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

"My Mom's A Werewolf" (1988) *An underappreciated housewife goes to the pet store to get a flea collar for the family dog, and winds up having the mom jeans charmed off of her, and replaced with fur, by a hair-piece wearing lycanthrope (John Saxon).*                2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Black Tickets ------------------

*A young Brad Pitt runs over himself running into himself running away from his problems.* 2 stars

*Having a baby is hellish, even if Brad Pitt is the daddy.*                           between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---------------------------------------------------

USA Up All Night -with host Rhonda Shear -Valentine's Special -----------------

*Lovers Lovers (feature movie): Neurotic & horny 30 something year old professionals in the city of Angels. It's like a softcore version of Seinfeld.*          2 stars

*Starburst California Raisins style commercial where the Starburst candies get taken to the bad side of town called Twisted Town.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Girls of Paradise (phone sex commercial): 3 stars

*Rhonda hangs out in the honeymoon suite with a amorous bell boy who has chest hairs a plenty.* 3 stars

*Twix commercial parodies the plane crash movie "Alive" in a funny scenario where one guy tricks the other into thinking they're being rescued so that he can have both Twix candy bars to himself.* 3 stars

*Rhonda tries to get a honeymooning and arguing couple's bride out of her hotel room bathroom.* 2 1/2 stars

*Free brochure for TV Parental Ratings guidelines* 3 stars

*"Mel" (taking his name from a PayDay caramel candy bar wrapper) calls up a phone sex hotline to talk to the horny chick about covering her in peanuts and creamy caramel in a funny PayDay commercial.* 3 stars

*"Every day people like me and you are proving why the 'Psychic Solution' is so popular." Obvious payed employees of this phone scam network give false testimonials about their amazing experiences talking to phone psychics.*    either zero or 3 stars

*"Imagine being forced to make love. Now, imagine thousands will die if you dont. Will she? Won't she? Or will she just kick some ass?!" La Femme Nikita preview for an upcoming 1997 episode. Haha.* 3 stars

*Rhonda coaches sweet talk to a dumb husband who gets all her amorous advice lines all wrong.* 3 stars

------------------------------------------------------------------

Weird Science: Magnifico Dad *Mom gets her birthday wish for dad to turn into male supermodel hunk Fabio.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Silence of the Clams *"The beach is meant for solitude, not senseless orgying. Cancel Spring Break or else."* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Fortress of Fear *A many eyed wizard wants Ariel as his bride.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Silent Screams *"Eye of the hurricane, listen to yourself turn. World serves its own needs, Dummy, serve your own needs." Arcane is selling eco-terrorism to the highest bidder. First in line to be served, shadowy agents of the U.S. government, and they're willing to sacrifice a small, swamp town to test the effectiveness.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The Invisible Monster *Turn off the life light, don't let it shine or else be taken in by the hungering Pac-Man esque ghost of an animated mass of energy. Look out, because it's a one-eyed, giant, purple, people-eater.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Super Specs *Do "They Live" or is it just an April Fool's Day trick of the mind thanks to a phony trick gifts shop's surprisingly effective super specs glasses?*             close to 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Shadow Boxer *A bum fighter uses cursed gloves to separate his dark side from his body and sends the shadow out to stick it to his opponents.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 18 *Penn State freshman lions turn themselves into fraidy cats with the passing around of campus legends and the playing of an ancient Japanese ghost story game called '100 Candles.'* 2 stars

Penny Dreadful: season 1 episode 1 *For a moment, I thought Frankenstein and his monster were going to passionately kiss on the mouth. It was weird.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: season 1 episode 6 *"He eats disease. He likes to be scratched behind the ears. He's horrible, beautiful." 3 stars

The Outer Limits: If These Walls Could Talk *CGI Ryan Reynolds. He's not Green Lantern. He's possibly a 'Casper' or at the very least a molecular anomaly. His mom can't let go of the mystery around his disappearance and his frequenting of a so-called haunted house. She's a paranormal believer. She swears she hears him crying out in the haunted house. She befriends a pyschic phenomena debunker. They get drunk, share their hearbreak over the afterlife or lack thereof. They stir up spirits or at least a cold case crime scene. They  learn about the mystery behind a previous owner who was a reclusive scientist and find his hidden room complete with strange meteor. It ends with them covered in ectoplasmic goo.* 2 1/2 stars

"Father Guido Sarducci Goes to College" (1985) *Vatican City versus Disneyland.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Mute Witness to Murder *Some enchanted evening, you may meet a stranger. And some enchanted evening, you may witness a brutal murder. That enchanted evening may damage the psyche.* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Double Dare *Necessity is the mother of virtue. A business professional lady needs the thrill of an erotic game of show and tell via fax machine dirty messages and flashes of bare flesh across facing office building windows with a sexy stranger, but she can't take it to the next step and cheat on her husband in person.* 2 1/2 stars

"Computer Beach Party" *Weirdly played, and ridiculously overdubbed, dorky sex comedy that maybe comes close to deserving cult status.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Total Riff Off: Animals Behaving Badly *Horny deer. Smoking ape. Rascally raccoon. Pooping cheetah. Shoe humping tortoise. Horny dolphin. Indian woman breastfeeding a calf. Chicago city coyote. rat infanticide, and the classic panda attacking jacket guy.* 3 stars with riffing between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without

"RoadRacers" (1994) a Robert Rodriguez film *David Arquette as a scumbag greaser, James Dean wannabe with Salma Hayek as his main squeeze. Sounds unconvincing, but somehow they pull it off. Also, great tunes from the era of rockabilly, decent villains like the town asshole cop William Sadler, and Deadwood's Saul Starr as the sci fi and sinful thrills obsessed sidekick.*  2 1/2 stars

Richard Linklater's "Boyhood" (2014) *Maybe the best ever use of scripted reality in dramatic entertainment. Following two siblings for over a decade as we watch them grow and deal with their movie parents a psychology student-into-teacher mother (Patricia Arquette) and their sometimes deadbeat other times often extremely caring and liberal-slacker poet papa (Ethan Hawke), along with step siblings, abusive drunk stepfathers, plus all the growing pains and life steps that happen along the way to young adulthood.* 3 stars (for achievement in the portayal of life) or zero stars (for every character being so unlikeable)

--Starz-- --The Missing: episode 1 *A wrenching, quiet, and moody look at the frantic hours around parents dealing with the disappearance of a child and how the effects of that trauma are still haunting them, and others involved with the memory, years later.*         3 stars

American Gothic: Damned If You Don't *Dang ole' tornado of the soul.* 3 stars

"Din of Celestial Birds" (2006) *inherent iniquities* 2 1/2 stars

True Detective: Seeing Things *Pussy, fantasy, illusion, delusion, hallucination, justification, nightmare, and revelation.* 3 stars

X Files: Fallen Angel *Toxic cover up and lies with an official seal.* 2 1/2 stars

"Night Dreams" (1981) xxx *Bound by wild desire, Dorothy LeMay fell into a ring of fire.* 3 stars

--- MTV's True Life: I'm Preparing for the End of the World

*An obese, and (from how he's presented on this docu show) low i.q. suffering, young  father moves his pregnant wife, two young boys, and yummy pet rabbits & chickens to an isolated farm in the mountains.

There he rambles about doomsday scenarios and his family assists in setting up booby traps that are more dangerous to themselves than anyone else.

My advice is to lay off the extra bunny, at dinner, and to not homeschool the kids about the proper way to filter goat piss into a drinkable water alternative, but instead to exercise as a family and to get out in society and work towards not ending up with an apocalypse.

Next, we have two priviledged college twins who are so quirky and idiotic that they jokingly form a two person cult where they bother college campus students and the city's homeless population with their pretend rhetoric.

Low point being when they claim to be getting prepared to raise their consciousness beyond the normal soulless zombie, just before tossing a twenty dollar bill into the air for a group of hungry homeless and junkies to wrestle over.*

1 star

-----------------------------------------------------------

Morton Downey Jr.: Feminism *Mort and feminist lawyer Gloria Allred go toe to toe and almost mouth to mouth with the sexual tension between them (just kidding).* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Television Terror *A t.v. station scores big ratings, when Morton Downey Jr. is murdered, live on the air, while investigating a haunted house.* 3 stars

"Too Young To Die?" (1990) *A trailer trash teen runaway (Juliette Lewis) gets the death penalty for the murder of her soldier guy former lover, thanks to her hick pimp/pusher (Brad Pitt).*  2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -Asylum- "The Coat Hanger" *Forgiving trespasses. Ian McShane almost seems too good for any show after his iconic role in Deadwood, but he finds one here as a blackly humorous and blasphemous sinner/killer in a setting that keeps getting more depraved and strange. Bucket of KFC chicken and skinning victims alive killer mixed piece joke. Priest drowning at a baptism. Priest crucifiction. The dirty history of pre legalized abortions. Cruel head nun gets on the other end of looney torture. A Nazi butcher / mad scientist seeking aliens because he appreciates their eugenic techniques and getting sent his own Mary with a possible alien seed in her belly.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Amuse-Bouche *"It takes one to know one." A human fungus wants understanding.* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: Friends for Dinner *"Another domestic dilemma." Bob and Margaret continue to define themselves different from their rude peers, while still retaining a flawed quality that makes them so relatable to the average person.* close to 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Model *"If she learns to swim, next thing she'll want to learn to drive." A nutter doesn't want his nude centerfold wife to take swimming lessons. Olives on pizza distaste, and a compulsion to pull any wallpaper off the wall -weirdness. Also, the swimming lessons oath includes everyone but practioners of karate and the pop star Sting.* 3 stars

Hippies: Hairy Hippies *The animals of Aquarius are gonna tear your prick off.* 3 stars

Farscape: Durka Returns *"The difference between a knife attack and life saving surgery." The outer space adjustment bureau can turn anyone they want into an attitude corrected slave.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Deities *When it comes to matters of the spirit, people often forget what it means being human.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Captured Souls *Sometime in the early 90s, the Obamas and their daughter nearly had the life sucked out of them by a mirror-spy-tech mad-science-geezer posing as an ole timey tween boy with a ridiculous hairstyle that was almost as bad as Obama's soul glow mullet of the time.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Fearful Pranks Ensue" *supreme sacrifice* close to 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: You Have The Right To Remain Silent *A lady cop kidnaps and forces herself on a strong willed guy who won't show her any attention at the gym. I would have laughed if it were a case of her not having any gay-dar.* close to 2 1/2 stars and 1 1/2 a stars for the safe sex sales pitch

Hill Street Blues: Choice Cut *supermarket standoff with a side of beef.* 2 1/2 stars

Fargo: The Rooster Prince *"Savagery, pure and simple."* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Orphans" *The most sympathetic character on the show, Pepper, has a continuation of maybe the most tragic character arc of any character in all of American Horror Story, with a cameo from a character from Asylum.* close to 3 stars

MTV's "Eye Candy" extended peak *Disney channel(?) teen pop idol and now hacker (rolls eyes) in a serial killer stalker show with MTV style "edgy" (crap) aesthetics. The psycho stuffing smartphones in the mouths of victims is unintentionally ludicrous and laughable.* 1 1/2 stars

"Living With Michael Jackson" *"We would wake at dawn and go up in the hot air balloon. I have the footage. It's all very charming and innocent. That's ignorant. Who's the Jack the Ripper in the Room?" Was it exploitive journalist Martin Bashir or delusional Peter Pan wannabe Jacko?* either 3 stars or zero stars

Prime Time Thursday -ABC- Martin Bashir on his Michael Jackson documentary (2003?) *ABC gets a few more nasty kicks in to the wounded weirdo.* 2 stars

The Michael Jackson Interview, The Footage You Were Never Meant To See *--FOX--* (2003)

*"Becareful what you do, because the lie becomes the truth."

Maury Povich pauses from hosting & revealing ghetto / white trash paternity tests to take an investigative behind the scenes footage look at the Martin Bashir documentary on MJ.

An almost propaganda piece trying to repair Jackson's image and justify his strange behavior, but it does shine a light on the deceitful approach of Bashir's manipulative tactics in getting close to Jackson via gaining his trust with comments approving of Michael's generosity and attitudes towards children and Michael's personal life in other ways, and then turning  around and only showing the most sensational things in his "Living With Michael Jackson" documentary.*

2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: pilot episode "UFO Encounter" *The teachers of troubled teens, those are the real heroes. This show has great music, and I don't just mean the cheesy wonderful theme song.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: I Accuse My Parents (feature) & The Truck Farmer (short) *Cultivate, refrigerate, exaggerate, denigrate.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Son of the Beach: In The G-Hetto *"Read my lips, I'm going down there and I'm going to lick your posse, and I'm going to enjoy it."* 2 1/2 stars

Black Sails: season 1 episode 1 *Blackbeard's snatch. Captain Flint's fluoride smile. Long John Silver's sexy good looks. I doubt these third world bandits were really this stylized.*               2 1/2 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" (1988) *Heaven for guys who like big tits and Hell for guys who don't like to be chopped into little bits.* 3 stars

Hollywood Hillbillies: Headin' For Hollywood *Another internet infamous sensation extends he and his grandmother's 15 minutes of fame by acting as crass and crazy as possible for the reality tv cameras.* 1 star

TLC presents My Husband's Not Gay *These Latter Day Saint women believe that they have it made, because, with another woman, their husband would never stray. I wonder if the LGBT community would stand up for the rights of the "same sex attracted" who don't act on it for religious reasons, or if... ha... of coure not.* either zero                   or 2 1/2 stars

"Monster" (2003) *A look at someone, on the fringes of life, whose feral impulses sadly couldn't be justified even though she endured a life of inhuman treatment.* 3 stars

Viper: Pilot Movie *Not just a tv show promoting a crime fighting futuristic Dodge motor company concept car, maybe also a question of whether giving career criminals a clean slate of memory is violating their civil rights or not.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

"Midnight Plowboy" xxx (1971) *Welcome To The Jungle as performed by Going To The Country's Canned Heat.* 2 stars

Woops!: pilot episode (1992) *99.999999% of the world's population has died in a fiery hot flash, but a few quirky yuppies survive to yuck it up on a small farm. Cue the laugh track.*        2 stars

X Files: Eve *bloodthirsty replicas* 3 stars

"Nomads" (1986) *Searching too deep beneath the surface of reality, a cultural archaeologist starts being stalked by a skid row spirit-tribe.* close to 3 stars

Manimal: Manimal *Transmutation is not for the faint or feint of heart.* 2 1/2 stars

---- "Tusk" a Kevin Smith film (2014)

*20th century man spent his time doing amazing things, and had tales to tell later.

21st century man spends most of his time talking about ridiculous things.

This time 21st century man accomplishes one of those ridiculous things.

How to go about summing up something like this...

3 stars for the crazy screenplay.

3 stars for the incredible walrus special fx by Robert Kurtzman.

3 stars for Michael Parks' truly demented serial killer / world's most interesting man character.

2 stars for Haley Joel Osment's nerdy twenty something podcast comedy partner.

almost 2 1/2 stars for Justin Long's obnoxious and self absorbed hipster mustached podcast comedian.

3 stars for Justin Long's suffering through hell tortured and experimented on in the most gruesome way possible walrus-man.

1 1/2 stars for all the podcast nonsense.

either zero stars or 3 stars for Johnny Depp's Mike Myers esque eccentric inspector character.

and to finish out the whole whacked out affair, either 1 star or 3 stars for the absurd ending.*

===================================================================

Wizards and Warriors: The Unicorn of Death *Mind over matter. Also, lightning hawks, hawks that shoot lightning.* 3 stars

"Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood" *"One fish two fish red fish blue fish, knick knack paddywhack give a dog a bone, Two thousand zero zero party over oops out of time, my bacon's smelling fine." The Wayans, just off of In Living Color and a handful of blackspoitation movies, take on Boyz in the Hood & Friday with their brand of satire that hadn't quite soured just yet like it would with the Scary Movie series. Somewhat not bad, nowhere as good as say an episode of Chapelle Show, but almost on the level of something like Comedy Central's Key & Peele.* 2 stars                      plus 3 stars for Bernie Mac's cameo speech

Freddy's Nightmares: School Daze ----------

*No more homework, no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks. Just robotic students.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Standard Achievement Torture.* 2 1/2 stars

-------------------------------------

"Ben and Arthur" (2002) *I'm sure that everyone involved with this shot-on-video "movie" had their big, gay hearts in the right place, but the results are so oddly misguided that it cursed the gay rights movement and set queer equality back at least a decade.* 1 star

Tales From The Crypt: My Brother's Keeper *Two guys attached at the ass-cheek, now that's freaks. And it's definitely a wild half of the siamese situation if Timothy Stack is the straight laced one.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Cannon Video: Fifty Fifty (1993) *A couple of "in it for the money" mercenaries find a change of heart and purpose, when they're sold out by the U.S. government after initially being hired to train a  ragtag group of villagers to overthrow a cruel dictator.*                 close to 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Double Danger *monkeying around with hallucinagens* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000:  Operation Double 007 *"Terrorists were a lot more fun back then." Thankfully, Sean Connery's brother, Neil, also didn't try to rip off Highlander 2 or Zardoz.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 stars without

The Prisoner: The General *Blind memorization is a learn-ed way for a slave to show its appreciation to its masters.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 19 *"Balancing faith and science" as the lead investigator questions whether or not he should debunk a crazy lady's haunting experiences.*                           between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: Walk A Mile In My Shoots *Arcane and Swamp Thing trade places.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "Burn, Witch, Burn" *Ask me no questions and I'll tell thee no lie. Mama's little baby love shortenin'. Fry fry fry. Febreeze will get the odors out of any room where dead things lie.*   3 stars

American Gothic: Dead to the World *Denial ain't just a river in Bum-Fuck, Egypt.* close to 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 2 *Rhythm, romancin', runnin', and rippin' up the floorboards.* 3 stars

"The Census Taker" (1984) *"An outrageous invasion of privacy."* 3 stars

Hannibal: Potage *Manipulation in Maryland, Minnesota, and the media.* 3 stars

X Files: Fire *amorous arsonist* 2 1/2 stars

12 Monkeys: Pilot episode *Hourglasses of the hydra.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Thirteenth Floor" (1999) *"Hate to see that evening sun go down." Digital virtual deja-vu.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Birthright *Senator Al Gore is all about shooting up with supplements and saving the environment by saturating it with methane for his alien race to take over and inhabit.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Brains, Know How and Native Intelligence *singing the body electric and fixing the plumbing.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Love, Native American Style *firebush and big hose* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Island of the Body Snatchers *Ariel almost loses her mind and her body in the mystery zone.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Twisted Claw *Wish in one hand, let a vulture shit in the other.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Eegah! *RRRR! Richard Kiel is really big and really lonely and he wants to rape a gal named Roxy. It's like King Kong set in a resort desert town where a Ricky Nelson reject is constantly rocking out.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Weird Science: The Feminine Mistake *The guys get turned into chicks and experience what the other sex has to go through with horny guys like themselves.* 3 stars

Jack London's "Call of the Wild" starring Charlton Heston & featuring "Buck" the dog *Buck worth more than all the gold in the Klondike.* 3 stars

"Ax Giant" *"All strut and no gut." Paul Bunyan puts a cgi sawblade through Grizzly Adams' bear-sized head for eating his blue ox named Babe.* 2 stars

MLK Day Tribute ---------------

Morton Downey Jr.: Racism with Dr. Charles King (2 appearances on the show) *One of the last ballsy, crazy, and passionately confused conversations about race conducted by the media before political correctness closed the door.* either zero or 3 stars

---------------------------------------------

Abel Ferarra's "King of New York" (1990) *Max Shreck, magnanimous and soulful.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

X Files: Beyond the Sea *Serial killer -Brad Dourif- claims to channel the beyond and a grieving Scully's recently deceased dad. but is he just a coward staying execution?* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "The New York Ripper" *quacking misogyny* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Talk To Me Baby *"You gonna believe your eyes or are you gonna believe me?" Shared feelings and Samson-haired Bud "tries" to be less of a horndog for other women, but he's only a man afterall and after a night at the bar watching a wet t-shirt contest. If his hot foreign accent nympho girlfriend don't forgive him and talk, he's gonna flip his muscle car and go out Romeo style with her in the passenger seat.* 3 stars

William Friedkin's "Cruising" (1980) *assault, alarm, assuage, acclimate, assplay, and arrest* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Girl In Lovers Lane *Drifters and the females who foolishly fawn over them. A Route 66 romantic tragedy.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

American Horror Story: Murder House "Spooky Little Girl" *The apparition of the Black Dahlia is misdiagnosed with acute anxiety.* 3 stars

Nic Cage is "Left Behind" (2014) *Bono raptured. U2 concert postponed.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Cabin Fever -----------

*Fly the Freddy skies.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

*Freddy finds his Laura Palmer.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-----------------------------------------

True Detective: The Locked Room *Scarred snowflakes* 3 stars

"Night Warning" (1983) *"Fuckin' deviants, the world is full of 'em." Hoop dreams, ''homophobia'', and a hilariously insane Susan Tyrrell.* 3 stars

Svengoolie: House of Horrors *Creepin' on art critics.* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Secret *Blue hued and sweet toothed tale of a wolf boy adopted by vampires.* 3 stars

Charles Bronson in "Cold Sweat" *A History of Violence in a French fishing village with American muscle car action.* close to 3 stars

Viper: Once A Thief *Viper-Man takes a suped-up stroll down memory lane with his delinquent former protege, Robin.* 2 1/2 stars

Son of the Beach: Two Thongs Don't Make A Right *The Devil's butt floss and daddy's B.J.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Betsy Russell is a "Tomboy" *Battle of the sexes in a light-hearted, cheesy reality that's not afraid to get raunchy.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Magical Thinking" *Weak men and strong women.* close to 3 stars

Paranormal Witness: The Visitors *It's either one of two scenarios for this episode: A) A door to door salesman is duped into believing he's cursed with demons and uses his scientific background, and connections, to explain it. or B) A bored, middle-aged former scientist, and his tech buddies, try to establish a hoax with alledged proof of the paranormal.* 2 stars

The Greatest American Hero: The Hit Car *Heavier than air, heavy like Shakespeare.* 3 stars

"Killdozer" (1974) *Grizzled workmen in an isolated setting sci-fi horror that's similar to and yet almost a decade ahead of John Carpenter's "The Thing."*                          between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 Episode 2 *Cooking up a kingdom, of reprieve, through barter and betrayal.*            between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Dolph Lundgren in "Dark Angel" aka "I Come In Peace" (1990) *Phantasm's The Tall Man the cyberpunk / heavymetal years, now available on projectile compact-disc, just in time for a White-boy's Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

Tim & Eric -Bedtime Stories: The Endorsement *Subversive swipe at Sunset BLVD* 3 stars

Puppy-Bowl: Unnecessary Roughness *Puppies wrestling at the "50 yard line" and hamsters overhead in a tiny blimp. This is okay with PETA, yet I can no longer go to my cockfights on Friday nights.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Kung Fu: Blood Brother *Dignity should not remain surrendered or buried in the mire.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Roar of the Lion *(Traditional Chinese costumes) Lion versus dragon in a kung-fu dance off ceremony that's also comedy gold in a stunt filled comedy filled flick.* 3 stars

Manimal: Illusion *Manimal predicted the Siegfried & Roy tragedy, and Richard Lynch plays a diplomatic immunity villain before Lethal Weapon does the same.*           between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

King of the Hill: It Ain't Over Till The Fat Neighbor Sings *"What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again." In Hank's reality, he loses it when he can't micro-manage any poor decision making that's always hilariously exaggerated.* 3 stars

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Group Dates *Dennis comes unhinged when women rate him, online, as a zero. Frank can't keep Mac & Charlie from offending their blind dates, and he can't keep his cockring from slipping off. Dee's plan to stick it to men by giving them one night stands winds up backfiring.* 3 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: Season 1 Episode 7 *Black noises, thirsting voices striking, impeaching.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

15 Storeys High: Blue Rat *All of the energy, none of the fuss, plus a pony.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: Season 1 Finale *A is for anxiety and or African American spirit girl humming to a sensitive, young medium girl.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars