#also what the fuck all my vitamins are out of stock

[dnickels]

Understanding that the Teamsters strike is most likely to Disrupt My Routines and looking to the future very stalwartly and resolutely, like a peasant who had just given all their winter stores to the glorious people's army for provisions along with his sons. This sacrifice is necessary, worthy. I am the truest ally to the cause. So true in fact that the Teamsters should give me one of their cool jackets. Please?

[mystellenia]

ellie with a clumsy gf ୨ৎ

summary: how ellie cares for her clumsy girlfriend

content: nothing thats nsfw!! just ellie being a cutie concerned gf

notes: answer to this req!! SHES SO PUPU BABYGIRL IN THAT PIC I WANNA BITE HER JFWIBFJWKRJR. she's actually so beautiful i can't. entirely unrelated: idk how i feel about this... but i’m trying not to be like EW I HATE THIS FUCK THIS ITS SO BAD. like i dont even feel like that but we already know how i feel about this formatting. its growing on me tho

(wc 0.39k) so short i know guys i gotta dip my feet

constantly laughing but also concerned at how you manage to trip and bump and bruise yourself up on literal air

in apocalypse au, she's always been very aware of her surroundings bc of patrol and combat and stuff so she tries to keep you out of the way of things that she knows you'll bump into

always has an ice pack chilled and ready to go in the freezer in case you bump yourself real hard and it's sore because ice helps bumps not bruise right when you get them (looking at you guys clumsy ladies write that one down)

always warns you about things right as they're happening since you get into things SO FAST

like just as you're bumping into something or dropping an item she's blurting out, "wait! there's- a shirt on the floor"/"remember- that the washing machine door is open"/"baby, you're gonna drop that- just... like you did just now. you okay?"

always asks what you did to get a new bruise. she'll notice a new one and joke, "oh, what did you do this time?" and you'll respond, "i may have walked into the dishwasher while the door was down... but this one doesn't hurt that bad 😁" it's become like a little game

she's become sooo desensitized to any bump or bang sound in the house bc she knows its just you. not to say she doesn't care about you getting hurt--she immediately throws out a "you good?!" or "you need me?"--she just knows you know what to do: ice pack or heat compress. it's routine now.

read that low vitamin c levels make you bruise easily, so always has vitamin c rich snacks stocked up. oranges and strawberries and other fruits, always ready!

she's so stupid in love that she'll cut the fruits up into hearts or try nd make the most simple little animals with them from some mother of 3's tutorial on instagram reels and genuinely gets upset when she can't recreate them.

^ like you notice her absolutely maiming some apples and ask, "ummm why are you slicing and dicing that poor apple?" and she'll mumble, "it's supposed to be a stupid crab."

and for my ladies with darker skin where bruises aren't as visible or even just pale skin that just doesn't bruise easily, she's still just as concerned. and since there is no visible warning of a sore spot, she's hurriedly apologizing after pressing on a sore spot or laying on a tender patch.

@abbysbug @picklesarenice69

hello to my clitter critters. soooooooo erm sorry about going like basically inactive for like 2 weeks i got into the fight of a lifetime with my mother 😊 we still beefing 😊 dw tho when she's old and wrinkly i’ll have power of attorney and trust the cord WILL be plugged.

like i’m joking but as of now that bitch is an opp fr

but anywhoooo i’m back. and my dinosaur of a laptop had a health scare and i thought i was gonna have to plan a funeral for her but she went to the doctor (apple store) and she's all better. idk how it still works so well now bc my mom got this when obama was still president 😆 don't y'all worry tho this motherboard does nothing but purr we chillin (the fan turns on whenever there are too many graphics moving)

[raineyana]

What is your normal grocery list? I’m about to be living at a dorm and I am looking for stuff to stock up on, I can’t really keep frozen foods though

i actually dont even cook all that much so i dont keep a lot of frozen foods either. this is my regular list when i go, usually weekly.

FASTING FOODS

okay so youre probably like. raine you arent supposed to eat anything when you fast. hear me out bc this is how i consistently fast a 20-4 schedule everyday, with a lot less binges than before, AND getting all of the benefits of fasting. and yeah, i still binge from time to time, but my binges are far less because my stomach actually cannot handle being fed over 1000 calories anymore, especially not all at once.

these are my ESSENTIALS so theyre pretty much the only things i consistently buy weekly.

cucumbers

chicken broth (0cal kind)

seaweed snacks

pickled ginger

tea (any, but i like trying new flavors ! my favorite is lemon ginger because it helps digestion, and green tea because it speeds up your metabolism. also a lot healthier than diet coke with the same amount of caffeine, also less likely to spike your blood sugar and kick you out of ketosis- which will make your cravings for food much worse)

...dont get me wrong i couldnt live without diet coke. but sometimes ill go for the healthier option.

why i eat these foods while i fast

these are foods that have extremely low cals and carbs (like less than 2 grams per/serving) so they wont kick you out of ketosis (which is the major benefit to fasting, where your body burns fat at a higher rate). when youre in ketosis, your body stops sending you as many cravings, which is why sometimes it feels easier to fast 24 hours after you last ate as opposed to 3 hours.

because i spend the majority of my time fasting, (and i would never be able to do that without these foods) i go through these items pretty quick.

but otherwise i only have to buy other healthy foods on a biweekly or even monthly basis, because i wont eat them as fast ! heres some things i rotate through depending on how sick of them i am lol.

regular food

built bars - essential for me. tons of protein, less sugar than other bars, and relatively low cal.

somebody on here introduced me to these and im soo glad they did. i dont remember who but if youre seeing this ilysm.

tuna creations packets - rly good for on the go, tons of flavors, lots of protein so they're really filling for only being 70-90cals depending on the flavor

blueberries + apples - so hard to over eat these two items, plus fiber

rice cakes - self explanatory

pistachios or sunflower seeds - great for curbing hunger, but im a little sick of them rn

a low cal air popped popcorn - i forget which brand i have rn, but its pretty good and has a lot of fiber.

chobani yogurt + yogurt protein drinks (50cal) - the fact that these r 50cals amaze me for how good they taste. the yogurt drinks are my favorite bc theres actually a shit ton of protein and taste pretty good without actually having to make myself a protein shake. the cookies and cream and peaches and cream are my favorites ive tried. good for breaking a fast with.

thats all i can think of atm ! sry for the fucking essay i hope this was a little helpful at least.

typing this out manically made me realize im a little crazy. i cant say with my whole chest that you should listen to me and my d1sordered thoughts, but i think everyone on here knows that already so... uh

please be kind to yourselves. take ur vitamins (even while fasting) i genuinely love you all every one of you fucked up bitches like me.

goodnight <3

[gravesung-moving]

how do they deal with being sick?

because i'm grumbly about my body keeping me hostage for the whole damn week so i'm hitting them with the beam too

KEON — overwork and denial. he'll find a way to keep doing work no matter what state he's in. he's too rich to have to worry about PTO but if he did, he would never use it. if he has to stay home (because he's not an imbecile caveman, he won't spread his fucking germs around) he'll work remotely and call into meetings. if he's feverish and bedridden, he'll work in bed. that isn't to say he doesn't take care of himself; in fact, keon is almost mathematical about it. he has a set of vitamins to take every morning, tablets of day/night cold medicine, different teas for different types of illnesses, and will skip past the homemade soup stage and straight-up make bone broth to sip throughout the day. it has all of the nutrients chicken soup has, but it's more efficient. he's a good cook, he likes to make things, but when he's sick it's easier to just throw a bunch of bones, spices/seasonings and stock into a pot and let it slow-cook for a whole day. he's a fuckin machine. he's so used to not being taken care of that he doesn't expect someone else to step in and help him. i think there is a part of him (the child-part, buried deep) that feels sad about this, but it's an old, resigned, weary kind of sad that he doesn't expect to change.

GETO — surprisingly gracefully. he doesn't often ask for help, because similarly to keon he had to deal with illness alone growing up, but his heart is more open about accepting it when it's offered. he sleeps a looooottttt when he's sick. it's one of the only situations in which he can be out like a light for 12 hours a day without having to deal with nightmares and sleep paralysis, so he takes the opportunity to catch up on rest that he misses during work hours. he also drinks a lot of tea and munches on many snacks throughout the day. if there's something productive he can do while he's in bed, he will, but otherwise geto will read, meditate, and spend the time with himself mulling over all of the thoughts he's been too busy to chew on.

CHIAKI — gets really grumbly and clingy when she's sick. she's used to her parents taking care of her during childhood (one of them was always home, even if the other wasn't) & is always looking for someone to curl up on even if it means getting them sick too sry she's a menace. tends to go more for porridge — congee, oats, etc. — than brothy soups. like she'll eat a soup if it's given to her, happily, but if she had to choose between the two she'd go with a savory porridge any day. it's probably one of the few things she knows how to cook and produce a decent result. even if she'll be grumbling at the pot and sniffling the whole time.

[naritaren]

Fuck it. Some great ways to add veggies to your diet:

- roast those fuckers. This works for most veggies except corn kernels (you can do the whole cob though!). All you need is some oil, seasonings (do not forget salt and pepper), and whatever herbs you got. You can use frozen veggies for this with no problem. I also throw some chicken breasts and season them up the same way and let them roast on the same sheet pan. This lessens the clean up and all the juices mix and it gets tasty. Squirt some lemon juice over it when you're done and ta-da

- dice or grate them into sauces for pastas or into meatloaf! Carrots are great for this because they have a ton of moisture and can make a meatloaf super moist! You can also just toss a fuckton of spinach into spaghetti sauce and pour it over some noodles. Fast and easy.

- cheese them up. Cheese in excess ain't the best for your cholesterol, but a little will help with the veggies and can help get some dairy into your world (which you need)

- another not so healthy tip, but sautee them in some bacon fat (or duck fat if you're fancy). It's a great way to make them tasty

- go hard on the seasonings and herbs. When in doubt, use some Lowry's. A lot of people think veggies can only be steamed unseasoned messes. Just season them up nicely.

- butter. Butter makes things better. Use it.

- soup or chili! You can totally throw a bag of frozen corn kernels into a pot of chili. (I do this instead of beans because I don't fuck with the texture of beans) Or just throw random veggies in some stock with maybe shredded chicken or whatever and you have a soup.

Break out of this thought process that you need to suffer for veggies. Once you start to expand how you prepare them and how you spice them up, it gets easier to eat them. You don't need to eat a variety if you can't stomach others, just find which ones you like. My autistic ass loves brussel sprouts and broccoli, so I have those more often than others. I don't fuck with the texture of peas so I just don't eat them.

Find what works best for you and go with it. More veggies mean more vitamins and stuff in your body, and you need those.

[l1ft-l1ft1ng-l1ft3d]

OK, guys. Storytime! 😵‍💫

(No, I didn't get caught!!!)

There's a W@lgr33n'$ in a terrible neighborhood in the city I live in that's constantly shoplifted from + has lots of homeless + mentally ill people loitering outside at all times of the day. I robbed them blind for 5 months (I l1ft3d from them at least 2x per week) until the owner/manager of that location figured out that SHITLOADS of expensive cosmetics, skincare, feminine hygiene, haircare, first aid items, vitamins/supplements, stationery, etc. were disappearing. He never saw me conceal b/c I always used blind spots, but he definitely suspected me after a while.

This owner/manager (white, probably mid-50s) is a real dick suck of a rules guy/wannabe LP agent who takes theft at his store personally. Judging from his behavior, he thinks people are stealing from his store to punish + take from him, but really, people rip him off because capitalism is garbage + nobody can afford anything. 🤡 He now constantly patrols the store like some bullshit rent-a-cop and follows all $h0pl1ft3r$ (whether they've stolen small items like ice cream or energy drinks or larger, higher ticket cosmetics/skincare/drugs) out of the store while shouting at them that they're worthless thieves + to never come back.

In early May, I stopped into this W@lgr33n'$ location to do a little l1ft1ng, and this limp dick asshole manager/owner sees me walk in. He then practically ran over to one of his employees who was stocking shelves + basically told her to watch me while I was in the cosmetics/skincare/haircare section. The owner was SO obvious about sussing me out that I immediately realized what he was doing + noped the fuck out of there with a quickness without taking anything, but I could tell he was big mad that he hadn't been able to definitively "catch" me stealing + ban me from his store.

I hadn't been back to that W@lgr33n'$ location since then for any reason (no lifting, no shopping, no nothing) until today. My best friend (who lives in the same neighborhood as this W@lgr33n's) needed a few things, so I went with her to watch her son while she shopped. (Obviously I wasn't going to l1ft from there after my last interaction with the manager/owner.)

Within a minute of walking in with my best friend, the manager/owner had seen me + was already sussing me out + giving me dirty looks. There was nothing he could do about me being in his store because I wasn't doing anything wrong, + he was pissed! 😭

While we were there, an obviously homeless + mentally not all there POC stole a small container of ice cream - literally such a cheap item that it barely even counts as a loss for the store. The shitbag prick of a manager/owner sees what happened, chases this guy down + starts yelling loudly enough for everyone to hear that this guy stole ice cream, screams at the guy to leave, and follows him out into the parking lot while continuing to yell at + insult the man while the employees at the registers are rolling their eyes + cringing with secondhand embarrassment.

Watching that sort of totally unprofessional, aggressive, righteous behavior from the manager/owner + seeing how totally disproportionate his reaction was to the value of the item the person stole really left a foul taste in my mouth. Like, first of all, go fuck yourself for acting like your shitty merchandise is somehow more important than people + actually matters in the grand scheme of things. Folks have been $h0pl1ft1ng for as long as stores have been around + will $h0pl1ft long after that militant fascist prick manager drops dead of a stroke from the stress of constantly trying to catch thieves stealing from his shitty little store in a shitty little neighborhood in a city full of poor/disabled/homeless/unemployed/mentally ill people who are NEVER going to leave his precious store alone.

I guess I'm mostly just ranting, but I also want to remind every l1ft3r to be really aware of the "vibes" of the management + employees, + to avoid stores with aggressive managers/owners ego-tripping on playing cop with l1ft3r$. If anything feels *off* in any way to you when you're l1ft1ng, don't hesitate to drop everything, leave right away, + never come back. Moral of the story: Don't let some shit maggot little store manager catch you slipping + don't forget to rob W@lgr33n's of everything that isn't locked down to the floor because fuck them! 😭👌 The revolution is coming + worthless capitalist Nazis like that manager will NOT be spared. 😎👍

[nowheretorun67]

I am going to be moving out into my own place soon (thank the fucking lord I don't believe in). And I was hoping some of y'all could give me some ideas on what I could stock in my pantry as an ana

Cause I have an idea but I also need to make sure I have stuff to sort of fluff up the pantry when friends come over.

In the last year I've accidentally accumulated a group of about 10 people and at least four of them not including my boyfriend will be at my place frequently and I will also be on a tight budget.

So I'd need calorie dense stuff that they would assume I eat regularly. Plus low cal stuff that I would actually eat to get through the day. All on a budget of about $70 AUD a week (45 - 50 USD).

I plan to have peanut butter sandwiches as lunch, that's usually the meal time I use to get through the last of the day and the most calorie dense.

Breakfast I would have an apple and a glass of orange juice for vitamins

Dinner I often have something like 1/2 fillet of salmon, 1/4 cup of rice and veg. or swap the salmon for chicken breast with as much of the fatty white bits as I can get cut off. I just need to figure out what I could do to fluff up the pantry while also being a cheapskate and staying out of recovery

[delicioustalecherryblossom]

They've started to notice..

Tis the season for seeing all my damn friends and family in one month. November is madness with all the events. Had a chill Thanksgiving day I'm thankful for that. But the lead up was event after event

I talked about in the last post how nobody has noticed. Well that's officially not true I guess. I am officially 20 pounds down. My sister noticed and a girl I have known a long time is what I'll refer to her has. She not really a friend... she also was high key jealous and it was sicking.

My sister just said hey sist you look good. She follows me on my Apple watch and sees all the workouts I do and for how long. She knows I have been working out for a long time. She just figures it's paying off?

The exchange with the girl:

Scene: Friendsgiving

Girl: Hi thinness how are you?!

Me:...wtf are you talking about why are you saying that?

Girl: Because you look super thin what are you doing to lose weight?

Note: This women is smaller than me. Yall I still am in the 200's and considered obese. Yes I have lost weight but not enough to warren this kind of response.

Me: *smirks* Vitamins

Her: No

Me: I joined a gym and have been focused on strength training.

Girl: ok.

End Scene

I knew this shit was coming but it seems early. It's crazy how much stock people put into weight. However it's not surprising. I could tell she was like what you're losing weight you are an immediate threat to me now. Girl like why???

Then I feel like she set the tone for everybody else to start talking about weight. Had my other friend talking to me about her gym routine. Her husband talking about his wife's weight. We are so toxic about this shit in America it's fucking crazy.

I have been mentally prepared for the haters I will have a lot in my own family. That's the reason I really started this journal here on Tumblr. I knew I would need a place to vent. A place to really deal with the emotional side of this. Yes I have other ways to vent this is just one of them. Anyway I did weigh in on Thanksgiving Day. Here are my current stats: lost 2 more pounds officially 20 pounds down.

Quick vent on Henry Meds..Imma need them to get it all the way together with my refill. I feel like they ain't on top of it the way they should be. I'll keep updated on this but as of now my refill hasn't even been sent to the pharmacy yet...

CW:233

CL: November-Tyler the Creator

[dasklaus]

I think of taking up smoking again. I haven't had nicotine in 20 months now and haven't had a non-electric cigarette for five years longer than that, but I am seriously thinking I lack alternatives. Nicotine does something to me that I cannot substitute.

People talk about the social role, going on breaks, ritual, the kinship with other smokers - but that's not it. I felt this a lot when I first stopped, but I'm over it now.

It helps with concentration, but also motivation and task-switching. Generating an impulse to finally get started with something, for example, or to stop something fruitless. Note that these only work when I can smoke at the computer (or wherever the task in question is).

It also helps with emotion - handling strong emotions, cooling down from agitation, moving from petty annoyances to indifference, clearing the head when overwhelmed, confused or tired. I have not found anything else that fulfills this role, there is no coping strategy that can do the same with the same efficiency, despite the fact that I'm doing pretty well on the emotion management front in the past years.

There's also the aesthetic value, which sounds silly but really does have an impact. I still view myself as a smoker, somehow. The flair of casual self-destruction, the crudeness, dirtiness of the smell and yellowed fingertips, the rebellion and self-indulgence of doing it in spite of the associated health risks, simply because I want to. A cigarette says "fuck it, so what?", blatantly and unapologetically. I miss that, and I think I also need that, for balance. I correct people's grammar, I cannot be anything other than reasonable and genuine without deep, lasting shame, and enjoy conversations that start with "well, technically". But I am not a stickler for rules for their own sake, nor do I care for authority - I need something to project that in my image, somehow.

This did not play much of a role when I was younger, I think, because I got addicted so fast and so thoroughly. I sometimes worry I am endangering myself by having stopped - Scott's nicotine-as-protective-for-psychosis hypothesis is not only interesting but personally relevant. With a schizophrenic grandfather I have long been wary of my own elevated genetic risk. Smoking felt right, quickly, and I have the vague notion that it made something work that didn't work before and didn't work after. That it healed something, served a function, beyond what I described above. I've aged out of the dangerous years for schizophrenia, but still, what if? Something is wrong that nicotine just ... fixes.

I am in what I'd call a proto-emotive state. Something is wrong, but I can't pinpoint what. I need something, but can't say what. I feel something, but don't know what. The frustration and restlessness of it drives me to food, but whenever I make myself something to eat, I regret it - twice, once when I smell it and discover food isn't actually what I want, and once when digestive troubles kick in. This is not without precedence - I go through this feeling a couple of times a year, sometimes for a couple of hours, sometimes for days or weeks. Often, but not always, it has a trigger in emotional experiences (I was hypersocial and suspiciously happy for days following a festival, then crashed because loneliness kicked in), but I am not convinced this explains the experience. I've also sometimes wondered whether I might lack some vitamin or nutrient.

In any case, I want it to stop, and I know from experience that smoking really, really helps, and will also keep me off unnecessary food. I know that I'd get addicted again, that having to manage keeping tobacco, papers, filters, fire in stock and on my person at all times is super stressful, and lung and heart will not thank me. I just don't know what else to try. Medikinet (Adderall) does not work, speed does not work, regular coping strategies only help a bit and I'm days in and starting to go crazy.

PS: For some reason, restarting vaping instead of smoking didn't even occur to me until now. Something to examine, probably.

[tloaftyob]

5-31-2023

Today I went to my post-post-op. They told me everything looks good, my incisions are all closed up, and that I can start to put weight and walk on my leg. I’m so happy. I really tried my best to heal up well, and I think it’s paying off. Probiotics, vitamin D and calcium (in pills and my orange juice, which I started buying and drinking daily), lowering my sodium for my blood pressure, range of motion exercises. Babying the hell out of it, eating way better than I ever have. Now it’s going well, and I can start walking again.

When I do take steps, it feels like driving a car that’s been rotting in the garage for two decades. My foot (mot what broke) hurts, my ankle can barely keep me up because my calf is so weak, and I’m just a bit nervous too. Progress will be made in time though. It’s what I do.

Construction work is being done on the apartment Ellie and I were going to move in to at the start of the summer, so we are living in a temporary apartment. It is tiny, and kind of really shitty, but we are making the best of it. We were going to move last Saturday, but they were also doing construction in the building we were currently living in. They told us they were going to cut off the water, so we decided to expedite the move on short notice.

All four of our parents showed up Thursday evening to help us move, and I am so grateful for that. We have very supportive parents. We had been packing for the past week or so, little by little, moving some stuff that we could early. We got all moved Thursday night in about 3 hours of work. I was of course crippled, so I supervised and helped with what should be taken where.

The temporary place has the smallest kitchen I have ever seen. And the outlets don’t work in one of the rooms. And there is a safety light right outside one of the windows in our living/bedroom. So we are doing our best. We got blackout curtains (and installed the curtain rods), added some RGBLED string lights around the top, got new betting, and are going to get some tiling for the kitchen backsplash. It is currently bare with some gross adhesive on it. We are fixing it up. We will be here for one to three months, so we might as well make it nice. I like it more now that we have added stuff, but the kitchen is unfixable. There is no microwave.

I miss sodium foods.

Colby moved into his new apartment 2 minutes from where we work. Ellie and I visited last Sunday because he came to our place Saturday night to see our new place. I start working on June 5th and I am so excited. I love using my skills to make things, but I often have nothing to make. No ideas. But there is no shortage of tasks where we work. Boy howdy there is a backlog of years of tasks. I love it, I get to sit in an office and code for 40 hours a week and make a bunch of money. Nothing ridiculous, but Ellie and I will definitely be very very comfy, especially considering we don’t pay rent.

Fuck, I am so excited. Making money, coding, living with her. We opened up checking and savings accounts together, and I sold the stock my mom bought me and invested it in a mutual fund. I feel like I can really start to live now. The tutorial is over and this is where the fun begins.

Tonight is my first night sleeping with a bare right foot since the night of April 5th, so I’m a bit nervous and happy about that. We will see how it goes.

GOODNIGHT TUMBLR!

[icarusredwings]

(This is Thoschei related I swear)

My dog bailey

His dad was an Anatolian Shepherd. His mom was a yellow labrador. He's about 3 now living with a trusted friend. He failed service dog training (as most live stock guardian breeds do because of their natural standoffish behavior), but we both started getting sick, so I rehomed him for the better. (It really is better for him. She can afford way more things than I can health wise. He gets fed hald raw with all the salmon oils and joint vitamins, etc, and has a massive fenced-in back yard with grass! All I have is clay dirty, which was making him sick) We have a return contract, and he's microchipped with my name, too so if he ever gets lost or she has to rehome him he comes back to me.

My dog Fern. Fern is not allergic to the clay but most likely will not be put in service training, seeing as she's a bit too hyper and is also naturally standoffish due to being half Miniature Pinscher and half Chihuahua. She's only 5 months old.

As you can see- she's MUCH different from bailey. (Picture of 4 month old Bailey for reference. He was bigger than her at 4 months, then she is at 5)

It's only natural to compare to what we know, but after a time of healing, I no longer compare them in that way because of how different they truly are. Do I point out the similarities, though? Yes. Yes, I do because people phycologically find comfort in the familiar.

Bailey will always be my favorite large dog. So he is at the top of my large dog list.

Fern is at the top of my small dog list.

Currently, in my head, Saxon is on top of 14's romantic Timelord list*

Rose is on top of his romantic human list.

They aren't competing because they're not even in the same race/ sides of the dog park. If you get what my weird ass is trying to say through AGAIN FUCKING DOG METAPHORS jesus.

*Not as in he loves saxon more or less than River, but seeing as River can not cuddle with him at night anymore, This automically means he spends more time with his husband than his wife. I really dont think he could choose. Hed has an emotional mid-life crisis and probably ends up splitting again so he doesn't have to choose LMAO

"There. Now both of you can have a husband."

"...you're telling me there's 4 of you runnin around now?"

"..... weeellll-"

But I catch myself comparing her unfairly to Bailey. "Bailey knew that already by 4 months"

Explaining this because I don't think people are getting it. Ft. One of my favorite mutals. @the--quotifyer--innit

The Master's issue isn't that the Doctor is poly. His issue is that he can not feel second best.

Tw: Mention of toxic jealous behavior, social/ romantic hiarcys, a lot of dog metaphors because its easier for me to explain, someone who's really autistic yapping about fictional old man yaoi, lots of misspelling, Apologies if I seem upset/rude, Im very passionate about the phycology behind social/romantic hiarchys and similar behaviours.

I was asked; Hey what would you think Sax would do if he met tentoo and rose?? With or without 14.

Me: Without 14? Like pre saxteen or just him not there? I think either way he'd beat the fuck out of tentoo. (Because he'd think he's cheating on him at first) He'd try to best up rose too depending on if we were talking s10 sax, pre saxteen, or established saxteen. Hed probably fail, but he'd try.

Yeah, sharing is definitely not his thing

No, definitely not (with Rose). Also, he'd probably lecture her, and then she'd be like "dude LOOK WHOS TALKING" and he'd be like, "WELL- ....☝️ 🤨.... actually... erm (you got a point)." Especially if we're talking Torchwood Rose? It would also piss him off how many traits she has picked up from the doctor. He'd become so emotionally jealous about it. (That Rose has the Doctor's traits)

Because he's not stupid. He's extremely smart. If this is pre/ established, the Doctor talks about her all the time. Even now. Little things. "Oh, there's this little shop down the road that Rose worked at. They have some sales sometimes. " He would SEE how much he actually loved her and feel extremely defeated, which would probably turn to rage and try to kill her. Then have a mental breakdown and sob by himself.

Probs blackmail her Bout how long he's know the doctor compared to a pathetic human girl. Rose would not be impressed.

You can't really use that as black mail but brag? Yes. (He'd definitely brag about knowing him much longer)

I could write a whole thing about this (and I did), but bassically, the fact that she's just a human girl is PART of the reason he'd get so upset. He's a fucking TIME LORD with MORE credibility then the doctor and one of the top loves of his eternity he's ever had is some 20 year old blonde girl????

Because with the master (and all of Gallifrey in general) Reputation and status means a lot. So the fact that the doctor chose her (someone who has zero of both) over him (someone who has a lot of both) it would mean that he likes her PURELY for love and this? That crushes him entirely.

Donna: The doctor is currently locked in the shed writing ' I love you, I promise' notes on the window.

If this ever happened, they'd probably get a divorce on the spot because the doctor CAN'T deny that he loves her still. And will. Forever. Saxon would kill him again and not even want to regenerate. He is a "You said til death do us part, and I said until all of time collapsees. We are not the same" kind of guy. He'd kill them both and be sure they fall in the same grave. It's very poetic. (In a way)

See he's okay with River because her physical body is dead as fuck. She can never leave that computer. So this automically puts sax on top of the metaphotic food chain in his head.

Because the doctor comes to him and asks if he can visit his wife and then comes back home to him. That's what matters. Meanwhile, the doctor would go to a different universe to go home to Rose. (If given the chance) And he knows it.

It's like having a dog tolerate/dominant dog. I'll use Minpins because I own one. Minpins have a pack status, and the top one has to be seen as the top by the owner, mainly rather than the other dogs. So if the doctor has multiple lovers (like always), sax has to feel he's on top and receives the most attention. If the doctor starts ignoring or punishing him for "defending" his spot as the top, he'll actually get MORE aggressive towards the others.

He has to be the one at the top of the list, the most special to the doctor, just for his own weird lil reasons

No, it's not really his own weird little reason. It's social psychology.

The thing is, he doesn't *actually* have to be the most special to the doctor, but he NEEDS to think he is. For me personally, and what I know, I like to think that Rose and The master are actually pretty equal, he just says stuff about her *because* he can't do stuff with her anymore which is just the process of longing.

I know I keep coming back to the dog metaphors, but im autistic like that, so give me a chance.

It's like for me, i had a dog named bailey. I love bailey even now, and often I compare my current dog fern to bailey. Its part of the healing process because im comparing them less and less. Especially with the fact that they're VERY different breeds. Bailey was a live stock guardian, an anatolian shepherd, to be exact. 90 pounds. Hairy. Fern is an 8 pound chihuahua miniature pinscher mix. Short hair.

Both are protective of the kids, both bark at men, both are silly and cuddly, and I love them both a lot. But its unfair to compare them because they are so different.

Though there's nothing wrong with liking the similars.

It's unfair for the master and rose to be compared. That's how the doctor thinks about it. The master is his top time lord on his list. Rose is his top human.

In my head anyway.

I'll probably add to this later, but for now, feel free to add on yourself

[inkskinned]

i love my therapist but i hate being in therapy. 10 minutes before my appointment, i'm in a meeting with my boss - we discuss my artistic choices; my boss recommends i artistically choose less. 10 minutes after therapy, i wash my hair and think about everything that was said, and then i have to switch it off, like a lamp, and go back to work again.

i was on a walk the other day and someone had the perfect combination of his cologne and whatever-else. it was almost exactly his scent. i fucking hate that. after all these years, i remember that? i tell my therapist - i feel like a fucking wolf. try telling a middle-aged blonde lady. oh i scented him on the air. i'm 30, and i'm having a panic attack over something that would be a plotline in the omegaverse.

what they don't tell you about mental illness is that if you are lucky enough to survive it into adulthood; it becomes a weird slice of your life. because you do, eventually, have to build a life. i realized in a panic somewhere around 22 - oh. i don't know what i'm fucking doing, because i always assumed i'd just go ahead and die. i didn't die, and i'm grateful for that, and i'm very happy about that choice. but it does mean that i am an adult in an apartment, living with my conditions side-by-side like. oh, that's my roommate, adhd. ignore the glass, bytheway, that's ocd.

so you pick your stupid life up by the scruff of the neck and you're, like glad for it (so much laughter and light and friends you would have never thought possible, when you were in the worst of it). but it feels so strange to be dancing around these odd little microcosms, these patchwork moments of your symptoms. if you have a panic attack at night, you still need to wake up and walk the dog in the morning. if your depression is making everything boring, well, you don't have any sick days left, and a job's not really supposed to be that exciting anyway. your ocd tears out each individual leg hair, and then, an hour later, you sigh, patch up the bloody bits, and go get dinner with friends. and the life is kitten-quiet, mewling and pathetic, but it's also like - it's yours, so you're fond of it.

and it's like - you're real. so you still enjoy pushing the shopping cart really fast and then riding on the back of it down an empty aisle. and you're not, like, so sick anymore that when you accidentally drop a mug you burst into tears (except for the days you do that. which are bad). and no, you're not allowed around certain items anymore. oops! but you've learned to be good about brushing your teeth most days of the week. and yeah sometimes in the middle of the day you have a little freak-out about how fucking unfair it all is, how fucking hard, how other people can just do this without having to fucking hurt the whole time. and then you sigh and force yourself to sit down and fucking journal about it so you can tell the nice middle-aged blonde woman yeah i had a hard day but i practiced grounding. you still sometimes want to burst out of your own skin, but you force yourself to eat kind-of healthy and to take your vitamins. you let yourself chop off all your hair in the sink in a dramatic poetry of control and relief - and you also have developed good hobbies that help you move your body more frequently. you feel helplessly behind, lost in the shuffle - but you also practice gratitude, taking stock of what you have garnered. because you're trying. even if you're never gonna be normal, you have something... close enough.

and the little kitten of your life, this mangy, starlit tigercub, this thing you expected to rot so young: in your arms, it turns itself over, belly-up. exposing this new soft part, all the organs and guts. like it's saying i trust you now. you won't give me up.

[scorpioracha]

Skz during your period

Hey guys!! This is dedicated to my lovely wife @moonacholy who encouraged me to write this. I hope you guys also enjoy this. Leave all the reblogs,likes and little comments your heart desires cause they keep me writing

Bang Chan 방찬

-If there was an Olympic category for best boyfriend Chan would pull gold every time and I put that on GOD. He is so?? Goddamn attentive during your period??? -You want,need,crave and long for NOTHING. Your pain? Taken seriously. Your cravings?? It doesn’t matter if you’re craving something damn near halfway across town, he’s gonna go and get it.

-He always makes sure you’re stocked up on pads and tampons, if he’s shopping by himself he’ll just pick some up and add it to the cart, yes he already bought some a few weeks ago but it’s better safe than sorry.

-oh you’re in class or at work and you got cramps?? Guess where you’re no longer gonna be🤡 mf is dropping whatever he’s doing and coming to get you IMMEDIATELY.

-you’re getting tucked in bed, snacks left on the dresser and a little cuddle session before Channie has to get back in the studio.

-So reluctant to leave your side too🥺 he doesn’t like seeing you in any sort of pain so he’s very tempted to just not go back, but you’re like ???? I’m still grown Channie jc—

-leaves you with wolf Chan to cuddle and checks up on you every hour making sure you’re alright

Minho 리노

-This tsundere little shit. He wants you on bedrest rest pretty much the entire time. You’ve got hw? You can do it in bed. You’re hungry? Don’t move, he will feed you…in bed. You’re bored, take a nap, it’s good for you. As long as you don’t need to use the bathroom or shower, he wants you in bed.

-Mother hen headass, Minho is so mommy omg???

“Ya y/n-ah, drink this”

“What is it?”

“Ginger tea”

And

“No no, drink warm water, cold water will give you cramps!!!”

“Minho pls I’m dying🥲”

-Massages your tummy for you and your pelvis cause cramps are a bitch

-has a million multi vitamins specifically for you

“Have you taken your vitamin B’s?”

“Yes ba-“

“What about your Vitamin E? Your vitamin C???”

“Minho yes-“

“I’m making salmon for dinner, you need omega-3”

-Still bullies the fuck out of you at the same time tho???

“Stop walking like that”

“Like what?”

“Like you’ve got a stick up your ass…or in this case your vagin-“

-Still wakes up early in the morning to fix you breakfast and gives you pain killers if he realizes you’re fussing🥺

-Will throw sooni,doongi and dori in bed with you at random intervals cause cats fix everything

-all in all best boy

Changbin 창빈

-Ima be so real rn, this is the mf that makes

you go on walks to help your cramps💀 you can be on your death bed and he’s like ‘let’s go outside☀️🌈☺️✨’ and you’re just like ‘…boy stfu istg ima beat your ass-‘

-So ultimately when that doesn’t work and you threaten to leave him, things relocate to the living room. He has an older sister so he’s not completely clueless but he’s also like ????😧 when you start crying over an episode of SpongeBob cause whoa whoa whoa what’s goin on??

-If you’re the type that has mood swings this mf becomes the most peaceful and amicable person you’ve ever met. If you’re ranting to him and you’re wrong, at that current moment no you’re not.

“…and then I told her to get tf out of my face with her breath smelling like halitosis but I’m wrong???😒”

“N-no jagi, absolutely not🤡”

-draws you bubble baths!! He knows heat can help with cramps so he makes it all bougie and nice with the candles and rose petals and lavender body wash. Then you start crying again and he’s like😧😰 and it’s honestly just a mess but you appreciated it very much

-this dude is feeding you nothing but the finest and freshest stuff cause it’s better for you during your period. You getting all the major food groups whether you like or not.

“Binnie, I just want a burger🥺-“

“You better eat that damn salad y/n😒”

You couldn’t even be mad cause he knows how to throw down when it comes to a salad

Hyunjin 현진

-Oh this poor baby😭 he’d be going on about the strength of the uterus and how strong you are for doing this every month when you’re deadass three seconds away from committing a crime of passion🤡

-Will take up the majority of the housework with no problem, especially if you’ve got work or classes that day. Dishes? Done. Laundry? Drying as we speak. Bedroom? Clean. Bathroom? Sparking. Hotel? Trivago.

-Is extra affectionate when you’re on your period, and a lot more gentle in general. He knows you can feel extra crappy during this time especially if you also struggle with mental health so, extra forehead kisses, little notes in your backpack and all the cute little text messages that say ‘x y and x made me think of you❤️’

-He’s already known to give into your cravings but literally does not hold back during your period. Oh? You were simply THINKING about tteokbokki? Well he doesn’t know why it’s there either, but since it is I guess you gotta eat it🙄

-Will genuinely think you’re dying if you say your cramps are killing you💀 he’s fucking rushing around the house grabbing shit and you’re like ???🧍🏾‍♀️

-you send him out to get pads and mf comes back with literally every kind the store has

“I didn’t know which ones you needed🥺”

-s n a t c h e s any form of caffeine out of your hand

“It’s not good for your cramps😠”

-Will try to get you to consume one(1) fruit

Jisung 지성

-honestly this boy is so lost lmao—

-He is literally walking on eggshells around the house and doesn’t mention it cause he doesn’t want to say/do the wrong thing

-y’all are cuddling and he’s stiff as a board. You’re just sitting there like “boy what the fuck😒”

-you have to corner him to figure out what is wrong with him and poor baby is shaking like a leaf. He doesn’t know jackshit about periods and I mean that with all the love in my heart. He’s the type to ask ‘what size pussy you wear?’ and mean it

-you’re honestly wondering how he made it this far in life running off of the most basic knowledge

-but he’s so fucking funny to mess with so you just make up random period facts knowing that he’s gonna take your word for it.

“Sungie, did you know that the average person loses three cups of blood during their period?”

“T-thr-three cu-cups???😰”

And you’re just sitting there trying not to fucking ascend because he looks so concerned

-Doesn’t really have the intuition to get you stuff on his own, but has no problem if you ask him to. He’ll call you like

“Hey babe! Do you use the super soaker or the super soaker plus?”

And you’re just like

“…huh🧍🏾‍♀️”

-keeps a small stash of essentials in his studio along with a pillow,a blanket and some of his comfy clothes just in case you’re feeling fatigued🥺

-Will bring bbama over for baby cuddles if you’re having a rough day

Felix 필릭스

-Our little sunshine boy knows when you’re getting your period before you do. With two sisters and basic observation skills he can pretty much tell when you’re due and silently preps the house with anything you might be running low on.

-all the cuddles!! Pretty much attaches himself to your back the entire time as your own personal space heater.

-literally does so much research on things that might help cramps from foods to aromatherapy to orgasms to yoga. He just wants to make you as comfortable as you can be.

-He’s not one to be squeamish about blood. You bled through the sheets? He’ll just chuck them in the wash, it’s no big deal.

-he’s not gonna keep you on lockdown but he strongly advises for you to get more rest and tell him if you wanna take it easy that day🥺 it doesn’t matter what the plans were, if you’re not feeling up to it anymore he’ll reschedule and you guys can spend the day cuddling

-if he’s stuck at work, he will send you takeout straight to your house to make sure you’re eating. Also obligatory FaceTimes during the day.

“Y/n! I’ve got like five minutes, I ran away from Chan to call y-“

“FELIX!”

-brownies,cookies,cake pops, Rice Krispie’s, whatever you’re craving Felix will make it. This also comes with the extra effort of fighting off the boys in the dorm so it can get to you in one peace.

Seungmin 승민

-here we have our favorite unbothered nonchalant king. He doesn’t really treat you any differently unless you ask him to?

-Well at least that’s may how it appears to others. He likes to take care of you in much more lowkey ways, picking up around the house,cooking dinner,packing lunches and with his sugar daddy tendencies making sure you’ve always got pocket money.

So what if you just so happen to find a fifty in your wallet? Now you can go out with your girls after school.

-He likes to lurk in the background a lot of the time trusting that you’ll come to him for help, but if he sees that you’re obviously in pain and not doing anything about it he’s quite literally taking your ass to bed. Then you have to deal with his disappointed little puppy frown AND cramps while he fusses over you

-Will try to distract you with tv shows and talking about his day and if that doesn’t work turns in mom pt.2

“Have you eaten?”

“Yes”

“Water?”

“Yes”

“Gotten any sun?”

“Seungmin i’m not a plant!!!”

-Will serenade you with any song you desire might pout if you decline any day6

-Will let the affectionate puppy in him out if you’re really have a horrible time :( you get to experience cuddlemin first hand all while he threatens to murder you if you tell anyone about it☺️

-Honestly is lowkey shitting himself because he doesn’t know what to do and can’t fix it and it’s driving him insane🤡

-honestly just pats your head while you nap and frantically texts his older sister asking what to do

Jeongin 정인

-This baby is right up there with Jisung but slightly less clueless. It’s more than likely that you might be his first gf or at least one of the few he’s had so he’s not really experienced in this category

-Kinda just forks over whatever you want whenever you want it. Hoodies,sweatpants,baseball caps, whatever you want it’s yours.

-If he’s got time he loves to pick you up from uni and do something special like take you to a cafe to get something sweet or to walk around the park(his binnie hyung said walks are good for cramps)

-panics whenever you’re in any amount of pain “do we need to go to the emergency room😰”

-Is the boyfriend who does the cramps simulator because he wants to know what it feels like for you

…

He almost throws up but that’s besides the point

-After that you immediately get the princess treatment, you will not have to lift a damn finger as long as he’s there.

-Will go protective guard dog on you if any of the boys are messing with you too much. “Cut it out!! Y/n isn’t feeling well😠🔪🤺”

It’s very cute if you’re being honest but you tell him it’s alright. He’s still going to be protective of you anyways. Extra cautious when you’re walking outside, always having his hand on the small of your back.

-shoves pain meds down your throat on a god damn SCHEDULE. His innie senses start tingling the minute you express any sort of discomfort and he’s zooming to the medicine cabinet.

“Innie my liver💀”

“But your tummy hurt🥺”

-Also the type to rub your tummy and look at you like 🥺 ‘my poor babyyyy’, kissing all over your temples and cheeks

-he touches your boobs once(1) and almost gets yeeted into the stratosphere

-He almost cried because he didn’t know it would hurt you cause he always grabs your tiddies when you’re cuddling😭

-wakes up in the middle of the night to grab your heating pad and get you a snack

[lonely-vault-boy]

What kinds of gifts do you think the harbingers give eachother during their """christmas""" holiday?

ngl these prompts are absolutely my favorite thing to see when i open tumblr!!

Pierro gives everybody socks. All of them. But they're all goofy socks he ordered custom.

Dottore's last year were anatomically correct. Two years ago they had a bunch of his clones in chibi form. This year they have a bunch of little organs and vials. Only prime gets socks tho bc Pantalone is very strict with the holiday gift budget.

Capitano gets just boring black socks, but he secretly wants fun socks like everybody else.

Columbina gets fluffy slipper socks.

Pulcinella gets socks with striped or dot patterns- kinda basic, but very fun for an old man.

He forgot to get Scara a gift for the last 200 years in a row. It is absolutely on purpose.

Apparently his socks were classy enough for Signora, bc she claimed that she lit them on fire. She secretly wore them on nights when she felt lonely tho. They usually have some sort of moth or rose pattern on them.

Sandrone gets frilly socks, but she never actually checks her mail. They've been sitting there for two years. The frilly socks for her robot had a much better reception tho.

Pantalone gets socks with little mora on them. Every year. And every year he says that he would have preferred a check.

Arlecchino gets plain woolen socks, but she prefers the practicality.

Childe always gets the most fucked up socks but in a fun way. Pierro (as an immortal) doesn't fully understand age. So he gets Childe socks from whatever thing is popular with like little kids and then has it designed so something is getting stabbed. Super gruesome, but Childe grew up poor and was raised to never reject a gift.

Dottore gives everyone vitamins. He knows all of their medical records by heart, so he comes up with custom vitamins for each of them.

Columbina only gives gifts to a few people. Her gifts to Pierro and Dottore greatly benefit the Fatui's research, but I can't say what they are because that knowledge is forbidden. She also makes Arlecchino and Childe super fluffy scarves. They're not very well knitted, but Arlecchino wears hers all the time. Childe wears his whenever he's in Snezhnaya bc he's afraid of her.

Capitano gives everybody rations. He says it's best to be practical. For the past 5 years, he's had to tell Childe that sparring is not a valid gift. He also hands out rations in the capital because winters are very harsh.

Pulcinella used to get meaningful little gifts for each harbinger...but for the past 5 years he hasn't had enough in his budget to get anything for most of the other harbingers. He claims he invests it into the city, but if anyone has been to a small home in Morepesok (or even Childe's room at the palace), they'd be able to see that he's lying. If they could see anything at all beyond the piles of candy and plushies.

Scaramouche despises the holidays. Partially bc nobody ever gets him anything, but mostly bc he hates seeing all of the happy families gathered together around the fire. Especially the young kids. It reminds him of the family he should have had...

Sandrone gives the other harbingers little dolls of themselves. It's super creepy. Childe also gets a card every year asking for some of his hair.

Signora claims she's above trivial matters like holidays, but if one listens very carefully, they can sometimes hear a woman singing from atop the palace.

Pantalone gives everyone passive aggressive cards accusing them of going over budget. He used to get mocked for not getting actual gifts, but he claims the cards are made from quality paper.

Also...he doesn't have the best track record with gifts.

He 100% sucks up to Pierro and he Tsaritsa in his cards tho.

Dottore gets sucked up in a different way.

Arlecchino buys gifts for the orphans, but occasionally she'll gift the other harbingers ugly sweaters. Once, one of the stockings "accidentally" ended up on Childe's desk. She says she has no idea how it got there, and he claims that he didn't cry himself to sleep during his first holiday away from his family.

They're both liars, but neither of them really wants to call the other out.

Childe always ends up with the most gifts. Not just from the harbingers (and the Tsaritsa) since he's the youngest and was still a kid when he was recruited, but also from the Fatui who work under him. He spends his entire budget on gifts for his family and Pulcinella, so he makes the other harbingers and recruits a nice, warm meal. He spends like a super long time on it too. And none of the other harbingers want to admit that it's good, but it is.

He managed to convince Pulcinella to let him invite some of the orphans as well so they can have a nice meal for the holidays.

[abysscronica]

In your scenarios with Birdie being a moth there was that scene when she needed to breastfeed and so she just whipped out the girls without much thought to heat/wire/killer being in the room (which was HILARIOUS btw) so a few questions based on that

1) was she always that bold when it came to feeding her kids when it came to the first two or was it more of a “by the third she just didn’t gaf and wanted to get it done” kind of thing😂

2) so in Captive kid didn’t really seem to have that much of a serious issue with birdie being nude in front of others like killer (like when she went out in his coat) and kind of used it as a way to embarrass and poke fun and her, so when he freaks out at birdie for poppin a tit in front of his most trusted crew members was it an actual “I’m worried they might get lustful thoughts about my girl” thing or more of a “it’s the principle of the matter” thing?

3) did birdie get any particularly weird pregnancy cravings? I know some of them stem from the baby taking too many vitamins or minerals so I can just imagine her spooning salt into her mouth like “fuck it I need something salty right tf now and this is the quickest solution”

Also just some funny thoughts I had: I feel bad for Doc cause being a pirate doctor probably doesn’t exactly require a lot of knowledge on pregnancies so the poor man probably had to study up on it real hard and have to see parts of birdie waaay more often than he would’ve liked to😂 also I can just imagine Heat being the best boy he is getting Birdie a little something as a kind of baby shower gift since she helped him out with getting a lady gift I can see him shyly giving her a poorly crocheted blue baby hat that’s way too big but it’s the thought that counts🥺💕 (also I was the one who originally suggested it so let me again say: justice for kid!! Give the man a little titty suck after the actual kid gets their turn for curiosity’s sake!!)

Hey, thank you for your questions! Let's dive right into them.

Actually, the scene you're referring to happens with the twins, her first kids. So yeah, she didn't care much from the beginning. The thing is birdie doesn't really mind her nudity in general, it's not something she's particularly prudish about. Even before having kids, she mentions that every man had seen her naked at some point. She probably saw them too. If she trusts someone, it's not a big deal for her.

Kid doesn't care about her nudity in the early phases of Captive, when he doesn't have feelings for birdie yet. As his feelings grow, so does his possessiveness. That time with Killer, Kid wasn't actually present and he didn't see the incident. However, when it comes to his trusted men, it's more of a "principle" thing. He's not jealous because he thinks they may try something, or lust over birdie for real, but he doesn't like that they know her body and can picture her naked. He wants to be the only one who knows all of her scars, moles, spots, whatever.

I bet birdie had a lot of cravings. I will write something about it in the future, probably a one shot on her second pregnancy. I also think Heat is the one who indulged her the most, he would get up in the middle of the night to get what she wanted more than Kid would. Killer also would make sure that they're always stocked up on different kinds of food. Kid is less patient, so he'd let them handle it for the most part, probably force some of the other men to be at birdie's disposal too. 😭 But he would be there for the horny phase, that's for sure, he was waiting for it like his personal hot Christmas. ♥️

I haven't really written anything on birdie's first pregnancy because that happened when they were still in the scramble for the One Piece, so the situation was very complicated. I have ideas, but I'm waiting to see what happens with the Kid Pirates in canon because I want to know if/how I can turn it canon for my stories.

But yeah, the doctor would have to dust his knowledge on gynecology and obstetrics a lot, and Heat would be best big bro. ❤️ He'd definitely get a baby shower gift for birdie, probably force the other men to do the same.

ALSO you convinced me, I will write a Breastfeeding 3.0 one shot when Kid finally conquers his goals. 💪

[maximumninjavoid]

Mining for Unobtanium rewrites part deux

and a ZILLION thanks to @indigosaurus because she's amazing and puts up with me and actually reads my stuff and helps me make it better

Spirit is a smaller airfield a bit west of the city that caters to smaller private planes, flying lessons, corporate jets, that sort of thing. Ok. I officially have no idea what he is up to, but, as sure as one third of Geralt’s lines are “Fuck”; he’s up to something.

Upon arrival at Spirit, I am driven to a passenger lounge. It’s not busy at all, since flying charter out of St Louis must not happen a great deal or perhaps not at this time of day….Everyone is exceedingly pleasant and I imagine for the money he’s spending, they ought to be. I’ve never flown that way. Someone grabs my bags and we walk out the door on the runway side and into a hangar. I remind myself to fix my face, and try not to gawp. It’s a jet. A personal pan pizza of an aircraft. The stairs are down and there’s a person at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the plane. Waiting on me, apparently. Good thing I dress to travel.

Look, when I started traveling, as a child, one dressed to travel. It was a big deal getting on a plane and I simply cannot travel in jeans. The gentleman at the foot of the stairs takes my coat, and offers me a hand. I take it and walk up the stairs into a what’s it called? A business jet. There’s club chairs, a sofa, tables, a kitchen ( galley, right) and me. I put my carry on in the seat next to me and fasten my seatbelt. I am informed that Todd will be my cabin crew and Jess and Mark are the pilots. The pilots actually come say hello. Odd doesn’t even begin to cut it.

Todd asks if I want anything and I tell him I would love a beverage. Todd comes back with a No1 Mint water in a beautiful crystal glass and says” oh, right. I have something else for you”. He comes back with a bouquet of lavender roses. I don’t know how he knew. It isn’t anywhere, not on social media, we have never talked about it. But they are my absolute favorites. Not only for their unusual color, but they are the most fragrant of all the roses. Todd puts them in a vase and sets them in a recess I had not seen in the table.

I look over my shoulder, wondering where the other people are. Todd is also a mentalist, because he says” Ma’am, we will be wheels up in a matter of moments. We’ve been cleared to take off and in approximately four hours we’ll be at our destination.” Ohhhkaaay. I am the only person who isn’t crew on the plane. And true to their word in minutes, we’re down the runway and in the air. This business jet has some oomph and I’m pressed back into the wide leather seat as we climb to 45,000 feet. As we reach our selected elevation, Todd returns from a seat somewhere behind me I gather and begins to speak about the safety features. I’ve never had a personal flight safety brief and ask him to sit across from me. Reluctantly he does and after the exits have been pointed out and the safety features of a Gulfstream 650 have been described to me, I have questions. I ask Todd about the range, and how fast she goes and what the upgrades from a Gulfstream G200 were. We have a lovely aviation related conversation and then Todd asks if I want something to eat. “ I suppose, sure. What are my options? “

He explains that the galley has been stocked to certain specifications, and that there’s vitamin water, marcona almonds and charcuterie. I tell him that would be lovely but what think is I really want is a cigarette. He returns with this beautiful charcuterie board and a crystal ashtray. I look at him. He looks at me and smiles. He puts down the ash tray and produces a pack of Dunhills and a lighter. He smiles and says” Charter is a beautiful thing”.

I arrived in New Jersey, and was met on the tarmac by another gentleman in a suit who gathered up my things, and took me to another jet , and I’ve got my passport in my hand, carrying these lavender roses, and this gentleman behind me with my suitcase and my carry on. He steers me toward another set of stairs and again, someone is there to take my hand. I think I rolled my eyes behind my sunglasses so hard, I checked out my own ass. I thank the man, and I don’t have to go through security; this is all quite strange, you know? I remember when you could smoke on flights. Always in the back of the plane, cigarettes and pipes. No cigars. I’m pretty sure I flew on one of the last commercial flights you could smoke on, and I think I smoked almost a whole pack of cigarettes, because I could. This was an Embraer Legacy 650, and and I’m on a jet headed to London. I have always wanted to go to London, and now I am…..

Under quarantine. Fourteen days. No contact. Just to make certain I don’t have Covid-19.

I get settled in my seat, and Avery comes by to brief me on the safety equipment on the Legacy. She also informs me that the galley has been stocked, and that several of the seats can be made into lay flat beds and she would be more than happy to bring me linens and a duvet, and assures me that there is a shower in the aft cabin so that “should I require I can arrive refreshed”. Between Ashley and travel knit, at this moment I am not certain for whom I am more thankful.

I take my medication, send two or three texts, and send one picture. Captioned “ Almost in the same time zone. What day is it?” I figure that the best thing I can do is sleep. Otherwise, I’m going to begin to spend time in my own head, and that’s never a good idea. It’ll start innocently enough with ‘are you barking mad? You have just left the country, on no notice, with only one human vaguely aware of your whereabouts?’ and will quickly change timbre and tone to sound a great deal like the woman who called herself my mother; and then we get to the part of the internal interrogation that goes like this ’ of course you’re being irresponsible. What should I expect? Going off on some crazy thing, and how much are you wasting on this, that could have been put toward your future. You aren’t getting any younger…..’

Blessedly the insomnia medication began to take effect before the ghost of my first ex husband arrived and started in on my “perversions, and the endless parade of freaks and weirdos” I had chosen to surround myself with. Have I mentioned how much I love sleeping? It’s like being dead, without the commitment.

A gentle shoulder shake. “Ma'am? We’re About an hour out from London you had mentioned you might want to freshen up?” I complied, prayed to every deity I could think of that I hadn’t snored or drooled, and went to the back with my bag to shower. wiped my face with a tea tree wipe from my bag, and brushed my teeth, finger styled my hair, redid my lips and offered up a heartfelt prayer to the women who invented travel knit. HAD to be women.

You can crumple that stuff up, shake it out and look put together. It mixed and matched like garanimals for adults, and then you just accessorize.

It’s my home training. Remember, I’m (age) and when I grew up, you dressed to travel. It was a big deal. I can still remember wearing what can best be described as a little suit. Shift dress, matching jacket, patent leather Mary Janes, gloves and a hat. I STILL have issues leaving the house without a hat and gloves. In my world, some things are timeless. I am literally unable to travel in pajamas like I see some folks do. It took years for me to be able to wear jeans. If you have a friend who works for an airline, or did;

I’m not trying to pour salt in a pandemic wound, ask them what the requirements are to travel on one of their *buddy passes* the dress code, if you will.

I told you.

My roses had been put in water, and were handed back to me as I got ready to deplane. I hoped I wouldn’t have to surrender them at customs. I had my tote over my shoulder, carry on rolling behind, just the picture of cosmopolitan travel….. Oh stop laughing. See how cute YOU look getting from one half of the world to another on short notice. Handed to me from somewhere in the jet is my bag. Queued for customs. But when you fly Charter, there’s not really a line. Is the purpose of my trip business or pleasure? Probably not a good plan to joke with customs officials. That went poorly in Toronto. I actually got to see the room with no doorknob. From the inside. It’s not likely to work better here. I have my documents ready, negative Covid test, passport, declaration, purpose of my stay? Business and pleasure I decide is the most honest answer. The length of my stay? Oh. I’m not certain. No, nothing to declare, well, my flowers. They were a gift. They look a little bedraggled, as I am certain I do, but we are granted entrance by The Crown.

Apparently I walked right past the person who was sent to collect me and that ‘simply isn’t done’.

I suppose you aren’t supposed to be so fixated on a cigarette that you walk right by a human with an 11 x 14 sign, with your fucking name on it. Apparently, that causes consternation. Makes phones buzz and shit. I’m thinking there’s no reason for my phone to buzz; no one has any idea where I am, hell *I* don’t even know what day it is, and I JUST want to smoke.

No. The buzzing becomes more insistent and I pull my phone out of my pocket to find five texts and two missed calls. I start to read the texts when the phone rings. “Hello?” “ Ms. L/n ? Are you all right? This is the contract transport service and you gave us quite a start. Our client is most distressed that we may have misplaced you… ”. I couldn’t help it. I laughed. I apologized profusely, blamed it on my need for nicotine, and being an uncivilized colonist and had them laughing with me in no time. We confirmed my current location, I promised to assure their client I was fine and they said they would be right around to collect me. I sent a text to Henry, explaining how I had walked right past them, I was safe and sound, that it was very sweet of him to worry but shouldn’t he go disembowel a mythical creature. I smiled. He’s a love. They just don’t make them like that anymore.

We pull up at a beautiful building in what looks to be in the heart of London. If I didn’t know better, if think it might have been The Continental; I fully expected to see Winston, or Charon. The check in is seamless. Fortunate, because I’m not really paying attention. I’m trying not to gawp at the architecture and the decor. This hotel is lovely. Furnished perfectly, elegant but still comfortable, this is what you get when your country is MORE than two hundred years old. Bell staff takes me to my room, opens the door, and, it isn’t a room. It’s a suite. There’s a sitting room, and a bedroom, a luxurious bath, ASHTRAYS, and books. Not just any books. My favorite books. And a letter on the desk addressed to me.

I thank the bellman, try to tip him, which he refuses, and as he closed the door behind him I turn around in a circle trying to take it all in. This is too much. I know he’s at work, and I can’t pester him. But I do feel possessed of a need to protest, and I don’t want to unpack. I sit gingerly on the edge of the club chair and open the envelope.

^^

Y/n,

I only wish I could have been there to greet you. I hope you’re not displeased at the accommodation, and if I am not mistaken, you’re more than likely cross, and think I’m being excessive. There is a method to my madness however. You’re unfortunately going to have to be here for a fortnight. By yourself. And you’ve come such a long way, it was the least I could do. I want you to be comfortable, and be somewhat entertained.

Yes, I had to send someone to go and get the surpriseI have left for you. I would have gladly done it myself, but, I’m otherwise engaged at Kaer Morhen. I did all the hunting, not the procurement. I just wanted to show you in some way that I am invested in this, in you, that I’m paying attention, and I’m trying to learn how to court you.

I have tried to think of the things that you have to have, cigarettes, books, I assume you brought music. I had the pantry stocked with things I pray you’ll like, and other tidbits in the fridge. You may uncover other surprises while you’re here. Make yourself at home. Get comfortable. Rest. Read. Relax. Take advantage of anything this hotel has to offer. I will see you in my dreams, as I have every night. I ache for you. You haunt me, but in the most delicious way,

H

^^

And just like that, I am undone.

I take out my phone and send a text.

++

You are starting to grow on me. This is amazing, too much. Thank you.

Sweet dreams.

++

I don’t remember getting in bed, or even getting undressed, but I must have, for when I awoke, I was naked, in the most comfortable bed, sprawled out like a starfish. I tend to do that in hotel beds. I have no idea why.

I remember my dream. Like it had actually happened. I was on the balcony, in a dressing gown ( which I have never owned) and there’s a knock at the door. I open it, and it’s him. He damn near takes up the whole door frame, he’s so massive. Shoulders out to there…first three buttons on his blue oxford shirt undone, tormenting me with that chest hair, sleeves rolled up, biceps barely contained, tucked into jeans that leave very little to the imagination… Trim waist, thick powerful thighs, and OH. YES. he is packing. I can feel my core clench, my pussy getting wet, and he hasn’t even crossed the threshold.

That face. Those eyes. And he’s staring. At me. I’m not even sure I’m moving under my own power, my hands reach those pecs, slide up to either side of his face. He looks down at me and I am caught. Prisoner of that gaze. His arms go around me and he pulls me in angling his head slightly. His lips meet mine, gently at first, then more insistent, as he grabs me tighter, picking me up and out of the way of the door and closing it with his foot. My hands twined up into his hair and I ran my hands through those curls, feeling his hold tighten and God help me, I moaned. Our tongues met, the kiss became even more intense…I was going to burst into flames.

More. I needed more. In order to get more I would have to stop kissing him, or take my hands out of his hair and I wasn’t willing to do either one of those things. I needed to keep kissing him like I needed air. One of his hands reached up to cup my breast, heavy in his hand, he expertly tweaked and rolled my nipple, sending a red hot jolt of current straight to my clit and my knees buckled. One of those powerhouse arms came around me and steadied me, and with the other; well he stopped playing with my nipple and put his arm beneath my knees and scooped me up like I was one of those little girls. I tell you, I was shocked. I’m no single digit prime number dress size, never have been….. But that training……. He carried me like I was a bit of dryer fluff….. And I assure you, at a not standard size, I ain’t dryer fluff.

Goddamned dreams. Why couldn’t it FINISH? So, I’m on another continent, in this magical suite at the Corinthia, and it’s light out. I have no idea how long I slept, but there’s a coffee maker in my room and I located one of my surprises. Whole bean coffee and a bean grinder. Oh, someone was paying attention. Magical bean juice brings me back to life and reduces my homicidal rage. I start some coffee and head to the shower, which is large enough to hold a party.

Good to know. THAT might come in handy. I toss on some yoga pants a t shirt and trainers, a hoodie and my mask and set off to find the fitness center. I’ve got my tablet, so cardio theater it is. If I get involved in watching something, then I forget how long I’m on the dreadmill. Yes, I said dreadmill. I despise the fool thing, but it works and I won’t fall and harm myself. Constantine later, I’m ready for another shower and some food. I’m trying to stay away from everyone and everything as much as possible. I find a few protein bars in my carry on and look at the books. Actual books. He had someone go and get them and bring them, and that earned him a “you’re going to see God blow job”…. Henry just didn’t know it yet.

You know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. You put your hair up in a pony tail, either undress him or half undress him; ease of access as it were; get comfy in front of him, look up at him in ~that way~ through your lashes and he starts to get hard, just from that look. You run your fingers up his thighs and stick your tongue out and lick around the head of his cock, and then put the head in your mouth and twirl your tongue around it and then put one hand around the base and stroke the silk covered titanium that is his dick and lick the underside of his stiffening length and then look up at him again, and he smiles, because he KNOWS exactly what he is in for. Swirling your tongue around his dick again till you get back to the head and slowly, ever so slowly slide your hot warm mouth down his cock until he’s at the back of your throat and you make up the difference with your hand(s) and you begin to fuck him with your mouth, hollowing out your cheeks, and steadily speeding up. You reach down to cup his balls and he growls in the way you love to hear and it makes you wet. You KNOW he’s loving this….because he can’t form words anymore, and just to drag it out you slow down and he tenses up, and you’re edging HIM, as a payback for the times that he has done it to you…… bringing him to the brink of cumming and then slowing down, over and over so that when he finally does cum, the top of his head will come off and he WILL see God. Your hands working in sync with your mouth and your tongue, he arches his back up off the sofa and you know he is so close. A deep breath and down you go, past where a normal human’s gag reflex would be; if you had one; and your nose is at his pubic bone and he practically screams and ropes of cum shoot down your throat as he empties his balls into your throat. Feeling him pulse. You slowly lick your way off his cock, licking him clean , making sure you don’t miss a drop, and his heightened sensitivity makes it sweet torture as you lick and suck your way back up his cock. You look up at him and he has his head thrown back smiling.

THAT kind of blow job.

The books. I had proof he really paid attention, because he really didn’t seem the type to have ‘people’ for that. Ok, someone put them here, in this suite, but Amazon is an amazing thing. Paperback copies of Not For Glory AND Hero. They’re hard to find. The author is deceased. I buy them wherever I find them, because paperbacks don’t last forever and I’m pretty sure they were never in hard cover. Higgins’ Solo. Those were the lay ups. The Oathbound books? That was a delightful surprise. I re-read those books on a regular basis, they’re like old friends. All of the Witcher books, and he had gotten them autographed. I actually clapped my hands and squealed in glee! Andrew Vachss’ Burke series. Now that was a bunch of books that begged for a movie….but, I make better movies in my head.

I sent another email, figuring he would see it when he had some down time.

******

Hero,

You’ve really gone and outdone yourself. Thank you for the books. The feel of an actual book in my hand is incomparable, and while I like the convenience of an e reader, it isn’t the same. You picked the perfect ones! However did you guess? I shall have to come up with a manner of suitably expressing just how grateful you have made me.

Although, surely there was a room under some stairs someplace you could have stashed me? It would have been less extravagant…..Been biding my time on the dreadmill, and watching your interviews. Now, no cringing.

If I had a superpower, it would be to let people see themselves the way other people see them. We are so hard on ourselves, you know? And living in the public eye can just make it more difficult, but, darling….I’m one you were talking about scrolling through social media, and “ there’s a bad picture, and another one, and” Baby, who hurt you? I swear I will jump on my broomstick, scream “ I’ll get you my pretty! ” and drop a fucking house on them. I don’t think you have ever taken a bad picture. Ever.

I’ve seen photo shoots, out takes, family photos, you obviously intoxicated, you being silly or adorkable, and no bad shots. Stunning, in every one. Sweaty in the gym? Women go mad. Tom Ford party? Women go crazy AND men begin to question their sexuality. You show off that physique you work so hard for? Gay men faint, or hit the gym, or both. You should see the porn fakes. They’re good fakes, by the by.

And I have lost count of how many people gush about how nice you are. “Wouldn’t say shit if he had a mouth full of it, that one”. Makes me want to get you ALL riled up so you’ll talk dirty to me…. Oooohhh yes. That very proper Mister Cavill saying the filthiest things…..

I seem to have become quite aroused thinking about you, I could go and alleviate some of this …..tension.

Or….

I could let it build and save it all for you.

However, fair is fair. Sauce for the goose, as it were…. That would mean you would have to be willing to go without until quarantine was over…..

What say you?

******

And before I could over think it, I hit send. I went and did the necessary at the Temple of the Dreadmill, but Deadpool made it less horrid, and if I was *training to kill Francis* that was some sort of motivation. If only fat cells would scream as they died. I wanted to go outside, go sightseeing, be a tourist. But quarantine is quarantine, and honor is exactly that. So, other than my rooms, it was the dreadmill and that was it. I read, I wrote, I worked, looked out the windows, put my mask on and went out on the balcony, and dreamt of the days passing faster.

Two days later I hear a tink tink tink on my window. I look at my watch, and it’s afternoon. It must be a bird or some. I go back to my book. “ tink tink tink” and I get up and walk across the room , open the curtains and look out and internally shriek. He’s standing, RIGHT THERE. Tossing pebbles at my window. I side eye the mirror praying I don’t look like a gorgon, and go to the balcony and step out. “ You there. Young man. Are you in the habit of throwing stones at random windows? ” With a big smile on my face, and he looks up, and my heart forgets it’s job. Stops dead in my chest. He’s so much better looking in person.

"What light from yonder window breaks?“

Oh we are not doing Shakespeare on a street in midtown London.

"Have you lost your mind, or are you just lost?”

" I just….. Dammit, I’m coming up. I’m tired of waiting. “

"You most certainly are not. You have forty eight more hours. Surely you can last that long”

He looks up at me, with this cheeky grin and waggles his eyebrows. “I don’t think I can last twenty minutes at this point, but I’ll make damned sure you don’t complain.”

" You would tempt a saint. You know that, don’t you? And I , am no saint.

Write me a letter of intent. On real paper, with a good pen. I know how you usually prefer to approach a seduction, but, from the other side of the equation, if you please. And if you can manage a seven foot leash, I would be delighted to invite Kal for a visit tomorrow. He doesn’t have to social distance. Now, be gone, or I shall be forced to taunt you a second time”.

I smiled, blew him a kiss, turned around, walked back inside and closed the balcony doors behind me. My pulse was racing and I cursed, because I always know when I’m doing the right thing. The right thing is hard.

That night’s sleep can best be described as fitful. I tossed and turned, my dreams tormenting me with what I turned away. Henry’s kisses and caresses, that massive cock splitting me practically in half, one of my legs up over his muscular shoulder, his hands leaving bruises where he gripped my hips…The only way I was going to start this day was hot coffee and a cold shower, and several cigarettes; all at the same time. What? You’ve never seen “All That Jazz”? Where Fosse is taking speed, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee in the shower? Twenty seven years sober, and I still have some skills. I can have a phone conversation at the same time….

One. More. Day. I can do this. I am a capable confident Dominant Woman, and I can do this. And when God created Cavill, the angels wept.

An envelope appears under the door. I pick it up, walk over to the chair, light a cigarette and open it.

^^

Ma'am,

I am somewhat out of my element, and I do wish to please you. I spent probably more time than I should have, but, I do tend to be quite particular and I strive to do my best in everything that I undertake. I believe it is part of who I am, and part of that which I can say is why I am where I am.

I would love to take you out, and show you a fantastic time. Dinner, perhaps? And as I think about the conversations we have had, I want to take care of all of it, as service to you. I will have apparel delivered, arrange transportation, make certain that the place is perfect, order for you, My Lady will want for nothing.

I have some other notions of how best I might seduce you, but I feel that those may be lost in translation. Allow me to show you?

Henry

^^

I smiled. I leaned back and sighed. Oh, he gets it. He’s not really very submissive, but switchy as all get out and he really wants to learn; from the ground up, as it were.

There was a knock at the door. I looked through the peep hole and didn’t see any one. I opened the door a crack, and heard a snuffling noise. I looked down and there’s Kal the Bear Dog, American Akita, and at the other end of the leash, sitting cross legged on the floor, is his daddy. I did the only thing that made sense. I said hi to Kal and sat down in the doorway. He sniffed me, checked me out, walked back to his dad, came back over to me, sniffed me some more, I wasn’t going to reach for him until Kal decided it was ok, or until Henry said I could. We just looked at one another, across the hallway.

I spoke first. “Thank you for the lovely letter”

“ Was that ok? ”

“It was better than ok and well you know it”

And there’s that smile, and those fangs….. Those inhumanly blue eyes…

“ I’m glad I passed the audition”

“Well, you got a call back. Don’t get too cocky”

Kal laid down in front of me and nosed my hand.

“ He’d like for you to pet him”

“ Any place in particular? ”

“He likes ear skritches”

“Coming right up, I live to serve”

And he laughed.

“ WHY does everyone laugh when I say that? What exactly is so fucking funny? ”

He tried to stop laughing but can’t control his face. Kal finds it all very entertaining and dashed back and forth between us, playing.

“You don’t appear intimidated by him”

“I’m not. I’ve had dogs larger than this baby bear….And he is just adorable!” I cooed burying my face in Kal’s fur and petting him. “ I bet you’re a great listener, and you never tell a soul, do you? And I bet you don’t steal covers”

It was easy, in the hallway, while I was getting to know Kal. No pressure. Sure, there was sexual tension. I wanted to launch myself at him, instead I got to know his best friend. I could hold out a smidge longer, there was only a little time left. I stood. I bent to hug Kal. “ Please, good sir, if you would convey my respect and admiration to your daddy, I would be ever so appreciative. Tomorrow? What time? ”

“Seven,” he said and his eyes were ablaze. Was it passion, denial, frustration?

“ Sweet dreams, ” and I went back to my room.

I shouldn’t have been so cocky. My words came back to haunt me. I tossed and turned, I fought with every pillow. The bed that had been sheer bliss previously had somehow transformed itself into a veritable bed of nails. I couldn’t go for a walk, I tried the couch. The tv aggravated me. I could find no comfort in books.

I started an email instead.

****

I have been hoist upon my own petard it seems, and while mathematics has never been my strong suit, I feel that somewhere it should be taken into account that time zones have been traversed, and that three hundred and thirty six hours has surely passed by now.

To be so close and yet so far away…… I had calculated the shooting schedule improperly, and had you not come beckoning at my window, I might have been able to continue to fool myself that this wasn’t real, or that I had created it not of whole cloth, and somehow managed to remain in idiotic bliss that we weren’t coming face to face…..

That face…oh the Gods they smiled on you, didn’t they darling? Like they were having a contest, giving their gifts….I shall give him the gift of mesmerizing beauty, but he will have to grow into it, so he also gets the gift of humility. And the other Gods applaud. Well played, old son. Not to be outdone, another bestows ambition, but tempers it with diligence so that you are graced with good fortune, that you have earned. Another gifts you with charisma, women want you, men want to be you, everybody wants to hang out with you, and damned if everyone doesn’t find you sexually appealing. “My wife has the hots for Henry Cavill, and I’d drive her to him. Maybe he’d pick me.” I shall make him chiseled, with a profile that hasn’t been seen since the heyday of old Hollywood. I’ll make him look good in LITERALLY ANYTHING. Covered in mud, hot. In a suit? Oh look out. White hair and yellow eyes? Panties dropping all over the world….

And I get to have dinner with you. IN person. Here’s something for you to ruminate upon. I’m frightened. I adore talking to you. I look forward to it. I look forward to it too much, actually. The sound of your voice gets a physical reaction from me and I KNOW there’s going to be combustion. I just want to burn.

And that scares me. Complete and utter lack of self preservation.

One touch. One kiss, one look and I fear that I will burn like a supernova.

Come, set me on fire…..

****

At eleven packages arrived. One was from a lingerie shop I had browsed at online, Bordelle. Their stuff was exquisite, really, cutting edge fashion, and wickedly sexy. I assumed he either knew or guessed my sizes. I had already done my due diligence on the dreadmill, hoping some of this whatever this was would dissipate, but even an hour at an incline of three and a half didn’t settle the starlings in my stomach. Those were no butterflies. I spent an indulgent amount of time in the bath, lotioned everything that could be with almond oil, touched up my cuticles, decided my pedicure was in good shape, exfoliating, buffing, it was madness. Nervous, I suppose. I mean, wouldn’t you be?

I began opening boxes. Stockings, of the most fine denier that you could read a newspaper through, and a Cuban heel with a seam up the back. A suspender belt of black straps, almost like an open bottom girdle, with six garters. A matching balconette bra that would really display my decolletage. There didn’t seem to be any panties. Hmmmmmm. There was a beautiful pair of shoes with a low heel and an ankle strap, which was amazing, because I don’t have the grace or the talent to wear heels. The dress that accompanied it was simple and elegant, well made, and also rather retro in it’s styling. Fitted bodice, sweetheart neckline, sleeves that ended just at the elbow, rather fit and flare in its styling, and the skirt was voluminous. My God, there was even a hat with a little veil and gloves. He didn’t miss a trick. I began to dress.

Fortunately two weeks in a hotel had not been all that bad for me. The circles under my eyes required minimal spackle, a bit of blush, a swipe of contour here and there, with my contacts in, eyeliner was out of the question and it hadn’t occurred to me that I should pack lashes. Mascara it is then. Lip stain, blotted, fixed,reapplied, blotted again, this was NOT coming off, on my mask or on a shirt collar. I spritzed some scent in all the proper places and I hoped he wouldn’t recognize it, and that it would please. I’ve never been one for traditional women’s fragrance. It smells artificial on me. I like darker notes, spice, leather, and they’re much better balanced in men’s fragrances. I get lots of compliments, and never find myself wearing the same scent as anyone else. Seams straight. Pearls. Hat. Bag. Gloves. Aaaaaand it’s 6:45. I’ve got fifteen minutes to make macrame out of my internal organs. And now, for entertainment, our brain will show a selection of every possible disaster scenario it can conjure, no matter how ridiculous. And I pace. I look at the clock again, and I swear it’s moved backwards and now says 6:40. That cannot be correct.

I shake my head. I pace some more. I pop breath mints like they’re drugs I did in the eighties. I am not going to smoke. I might pass out.

There’s a knock on the door. My heart pounds. I walk to the door and try to breathe….{internal voice; don’t lose your shit} I open the door and there he is. In a suit. Not just any suit. I mean, you can’t. Not when you’re built like a brick…………house ( apologies to the Commodores).

I could write epic poems that would put the Iliad to shame just describing his fair countenance….but I would be doing him a disservice if I didn’t spend some time on just how much style he possesses. Tailoring is one thing. Fit, proportion, but he has raised style to high art. Like old Hollywood meets English Nobility, and unless I miss my guess, that’s a bespoke Huntsman suit. Made specifically for him. To his precise measurements, by HIS cutter, who has a file on him, and all their other clients; about their preferences, in colors, fabrics, linings, how they want their trousers, best preferences, THE WHOLE NINE YARDS. Did you see *The Kingsmen*? That place. It’s actually Huntsman. I think they have been on Saville Row for over 100 years. Might even have a Royal Warrant.

The suit is perfection. Fits literally like it was made for him….. Because it was. And it took twelve weeks and multiple fittings. Charcoal grey, with a hint of a chalk stripe, very subtle, crisp white shirt, double breasted vest, with a watch chain no less, and the trousers are perfectly tailored, break at the perfect spot, and his tie is a perfect four in hand, and the tie is splashy, but flawless. Me? Oh I’m taking this all in, trying to remember to breathe, and he takes my hand, bows a little, brings it to his lips and just as his mouth is almost at my hand he turns my wrist and kisses the bare skin above my glove, and looks up at me with that smirk he has. “Ma'am? Shall we?” I put my finger under his chin and raise him to his full height . “ A moment, please. ” I step toward him and slide my hands up each side of his chest and lean in toward him. “Before we leave, I wanted to thank you for your excellent taste. Your gifts were lovely and I hope I do them justice” and I pressed my lips to his. He pulled me in closer and wrapped his arms around me, his tongue sought to part my lips and I allowed it, my hand reaching up for the side of his face, as our tongues explored each other’s mouth, tentatively at first, quickly catching fire. I didn’t want to stop.

But I knew if I didn’t, we’d be rutting in this doorway and whatever he had planned would be for nothing.

Difficult as it was, I pulled back and smiled. “ I could do this all night, happily. And more, or did you want to keep our original plan? ” He adjusted himself ( I don’t think he knows I saw that ) and took my arm in his. “Do you have everything?”

"Thank you, yes. I have my key, my bag, I am in your hands" . He closed the door behind us and walked me down the hall. We exited the hotel through a side door and got into a car with tinted windows. “ Please tell me I’m not wearing your lipstick” Smiling again, I remarked that he wasn’t but if he wanted to… And he laughed and pulled me in for another kiss. We made out. Like teenagers. In the back of this heavily tinted car, and I couldn’t get enough of his kisses.

We drove for a bit, I’m not certain how long, I frankly was too caught up in kissing him, and occasionally pulling back to look into those eyes. We could have driven off the cliffs of Dover, I’d never have known. We turned down a side street, then an alley and stopped in the back of a building. He got out of the car and said he’d be around to get me. Ok. I’ll behave. He opened my door, offered me his hand to help me out, said something to the driver, then took my arm and we walked the few steps to the door in the back of this building. Henry was grinning like the cat that ate the canary, and I couldn’t figure out why. He knocked on the door and after a minute or two, it opened, and we went down a short hallway into a kitchen where there was a booth. IN. THE. KITCHEN.

It was all I could do to not scream and go completely fangirl, for at that moment I realized where we were. This was the imagination station; the chef’s table at Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant on Royal Hospital Road. I turned to my dinner date and threw my arms around his neck, peppering his face with kisses. “ How did you know? How did you manage this? You realize that this might just kill me….oh, right, we have a provision for that. ”

He bowed from the waist “ My Lady is pleased? ”

“Oh, darling, pleased is not the word! ”

Dinner was spectacular. Course after course of the most deliciously ingenious things the chefs could create, with pristine service and just the two of us. Sharing bites, oh you must taste this, ooh! This, taste! Stealing kisses in between courses, and such easy conversation. We talked about books, and we talked about music, and he ribbed me about my ‘frozen in amber’ musical taste and I told him I had checked out some of the bands on his running playlist and liked quite a few of them. We sat close to one another, thighs touching, holding hands between courses, I kept getting lost in those eyes, but I did manage to hold up my end of the conversation.

I asked him if he was disappointed about not drinking during dinner and he countered with “ I haven’t seen you smoke”. We agreed that kissing was worth some sacrifices. Truth be told I did want a cigarette, but not as much as I wanted him. Dessert, coffee, more conversation, and I asked what else he had up his sleeve. He smiled. “ There is that American expression about the gun show?” I threw back my head and practically roared. “ I have this well in hand. Shall we?” And he took my hand and we got up and walked out the same back way we had come in, to the waiting car.

We arrived back at The Corinthia, and I was hoping against hope that the evening wasn’t over, but, I hadn’t planned it, so I didn’t want to presume.

“I suppose you’ll need to go walk Kal. Not having thumbs, it isn’t as though he can walk himself…."

” Trying to shake me already, are you? “

” No, of course not! “

” Kal has a date too. Later we might compare notes. But he never tells" he said with a slightly tilted head and a smirk.

“ Then I suppose I should invite you up? To see my etchings? ”

“Or your tattoos…”