#also very sad because I don’t think I’ll be able to afford going to this class regularly

[laomelettedufromage]

Being the youngest by a couple decades in a group of old people who adore you is so much fun. They think I’m soooooo cool :P

[whoisshel]

The Pollywog

pairing: Eddie Munson x Reader

word count: 1873

tw: swearing

previous part

It was the day after Halloween, and you woke up with a raging headache that made your head feel like it was going to explode any second. Your body was buzzing from the alcohol still in your system and every movement made you feel sick to your stomach. Slowly rolling onto your back, you let out a loud groan at how awful that slight movement felt. Hearing a soft laugh to your right, you opened your eyes slightly to see a blurry version of Eddie standing next to the bed. 

“Good afternoon, sleepy.” Eddie mocked, sitting on the edge of the bed next to you. “I have some Advil and water for you, but you have to sit up to take it.”

You groaned, closing your eyes again, and let out a quiet whine, “No.”

“Come on, I’ll help you.” Eddie set the stuff in his hands on the bedside table. He puts his hands under your armpits to help you sit up, and by help, he means do all the work while you just moan and groan. “Alright, do you need help with the water?”

“Yeah, I don’t want to open my eyes yet.” 

“Okay.” Eddie chuckled thinking his girlfriend, while being a bit dramatic, was very cute. “Ready?” You only gave a short nod to the question. Eddie grabbed the glass of water and pill, helping you take a sip of water before putting the pill in your mouth; a method you swear makes taking pills way easier. Once you swallowed the pill, Eddie handed you the glass to drink the rest of the water. “I have a big breakfast ready for you.”

You handed the empty glass back to Eddie before falling forward and leaning on his chest. “Thank you, you’re the best.”

“Only for you,” Eddie said softly, then stood back up, almost making you fall all the way forward. “Now come on, let's go eat and try to sober you up more.”

“Can you carry me?” You looked up at Eddie with your bottom lip jutted out.

Eddie leaned down and wrapped your arms around his neck then lifted you off the bed and you wrapped your legs around his waist. “You’re lucky I love you.”

“I am.” You pulled back enough to let Eddie see your goofy smile. “We’re not going to school today, right?”

“Baby, you pretty much slept through school.”

“Good.”

—----------------

After eating and taking a shower, you started to feel good enough to have an eventful day with Eddie. They planned to go to the music store and buy some new cassettes and see the new slasher movie, Nightmare on Elm Street. The couple was happy that they were able to spend more time with each other this year with you taking a break from theater and Eddie once again dungeon master he gets to choose the schedule. While you love theater and love being on stage, you needed a break this year. After everything that happened last year and not being able to play your lead role in the musical because of your head injury, you were a bit nervous getting back into it. Even though you were a bit sad without theater, you were happy to see Eddie more. You could tell Eddie was still questionable about what went down last year, so you were hoping all this time you were spending together could take his mind off of it.

“Alright, ready?” Eddie asked you, who nodded in reply. The two of you walked out to Eddie’s car, Eddie opened the passenger side door for you then walked over to the driver’s side and got in. 

“Got anything specific you’re wanting at the music store?” You asked as they drove to the music store.

“Yeah, Dio and Metallica came out with new music in July, and after the amount of money I made last night I can afford them. What about you?” 

 “Well, at the party last night I saw a girl dressed up as Siouxsie Sioux and now I want to buy one of her cassettes, but also The Talking Heads came out with an album in September and I kind of want that too.” You pondered your choices, deciding that you’ll probably end up buying both. 

Eddie’s eyes widen in realization, looking back and forth between the road and you. “I saw her last night, I sold her some weed.”

“She looked so cool!” You exclaimed, jumping a little in your seat. “Made me wish we went as rock stars.”

“You didn’t like our costumes?” Eddie gave you an exaggerated pout.

“I loved our costumes.” You put your hand on Eddie’s arm in reassurance. “Our costumes were bitchin’.”

“They were, weren’t they? We’ll go as rockstars next year.”

You looked over with a big smile, loving that he was thinking about you being together in the future. It still made you happy even after two years of being together. “We’ll definitely have to do it next year.”

Eddie and you made it to the music store and were currently searching for the cassettes you wanted in separate aisles. Once Eddie found the two he was looking for, he walked over to where you were searching through the T’s in the Rock section. Coming up behind you, he took the cassette you already had in your hands so you would have an easier time searching with two hands instead of one. Mumbling thanks, you continued to look for The Talking Heads cassette and grabbed one when you found it. You turned around to face Eddie, waving the cassette around excitedly. Eddie snatched the cassette out of your hand and waved it around mockingly before putting it in the pile with the rest of the cassettes they acquired. You thought he was just being nice carrying them for you, but once you got up to the cash register, Eddie pushed them toward the cashier together instead of in separate piles. 

“What are you doing?” You reached out to separate your cassettes from his. “I’m going to pay for my own.”

Eddie pushed your hands back. “Don’t worry, I made a lot of money last night. I’ve got this.”

“I’ve got my… own money though.” You hesitated to say that the money was yours since it was really your parents. You knew you were privileged, you had money and Eddie didn’t. You didn’t want to make him feel bad, but you didn’t want him to spend too much money on him; especially since that money is supposed to help Wayne too. 

“It’s alright, babe, let me do this.” You could see the tiniest bit of pleading peaking in Eddie’s eyes, so you just gave him a big smile, that you tried to get to reach your eyes, and nodded.

With the cassettes paid for, the two got back in Eddie’s van. Eddie handed the bag of cassettes for you to get the music going while he started the car and drove them to the movies.

“What should we listen to first?” You asked, looking into the bag.

“Umm, Dio?’ Eddie suggested

You took the Dio cassette and put it in the car’s player. You looked at the name of the songs then turned it over to look at the cover. “I should change the Dio picture on that jean vest to this one.”

“Can you do that?” 

Looking at the picture again more closely this time, “Yeah I think I could do it.” You weren’t too bad at art, you weren’t the most perfect but you could manage.

“That’d be awesome, and like every time they have a new album you could paint the new one.” Eddie thought aloud, once again giving you butterflies at the thought of you together in the future.

—----------------

After the movie, Eddie dropped you off at home so you could check in with your mom and have dinner with her. 

You were upstairs getting changed into comfier clothes, your mom yelled for you downstairs, “Y/N, Jonathan, and Nancy are here. Said you guys are supposed to work on a project?”

At those words, you stumbled down the stairs in a panic, not because you thought you had forgotten about a project but because you knew what that lie meant last time. Pam looked back at her daughter thumping down the stairs wondering what the hell was wrong with you.

“Uh, hey guys, I completely forgot that you were coming over.” You stuttered once you made it to the front door. “Why don’t we go up to my room to, um, work on the project.”

The three quickly walked up to your room, slamming the door behind them. Jonathan and Nancy sat on the end of your bed while you paced in front of them as you listened to their awful and quite dangerous idea.

“Alright, alright.” You waved your hands in front of your face, dramatically, to get them to stop talking. “So let me get this straight, you two called Barbara’s mom, who you know is being recorded, to meet in the park so you can tell her what happened,” You paused, waiting for them to confirm what you just said and when they did you continued, “Okay, but you don’t expect Mrs. Holland to show up. This is a whole ploy to lure the bad people so you can record their confession of their inclusion in Barbara's death.”

“So are you in?” Nancy asked, believing you were repeating everything to make sure you had all the facts right before going along with it.

“Are you insane?!” You were not repeating to make sure you understood it, you were repeating it to try and get them to see how dumb this was. “This is a bad idea! It’s very risky, and quite frankly, stupid of you to want to do this.”

You paused, taking a breath to calm yourself down before continuing, “Listen, Nancy, I’m sorry. I’m very sorry for what happened to Barb and now what’s happening to her parents, but we can’t be putting ourselves in this type of danger again.”

“Well, we’re doing this with or without you.” Nancy stood her ground, needing to do this for Barb and herself. You understood that, you just didn’t think this was a good idea and to be honest you’re still scared from everything they went through.

“I know.” You hugged them one at a time. “Just please be safe. If it gets too dangerous, get out of there.”

“We will,” Jonathan said as you hugged.

You walked them to the front door, watching as they left. Pam came over to stand next to her daughter, curious as to what just happened. “That was fast.”

“Yeah, it was pretty much finished, just had to finalize it.” 

Pam looked at her daughter, seeing the distressed look on your face. “You alright, honey?”

“Can we order pizza and watch a movie?” You asked, leaning your head on your mom’s shoulder.

“Didn’t you already watch a movie today?” You pulled your head up to look at Pam with a shocked look wondering how she knew that. “You think I don’t know you skipped school?”

You cringed from getting caught, “Sorry, mom.”

“It’s alright, let me go order the pizza.”

[kinokoshoujoart]

scribbled down a relationship chart for the forgotten valley bros to collect my thoughts after snooping into their dialogue files, because i’m crazy over the barebones scraps of tiny interactions between them that we are given they’re a neat group of lads and i want to see them in lots of wacky situations together

rambling explanation and screenshots under the cut. spoilers for dialogue

gordy and gustafa are bffs and i love them!!!!!

they have mutual respect for each other… gustafa clearly admires and understands gordy’s art, and gordy seems to view gustafa as his closest confidant, he even gets you and Gustafa the new kitchen if you enter chapter 2 without being able to “afford” it yourself

they only really mention each other and don’t have anything to say about the other two boys

no one has anything bad to say about gustafa, which is exactly how it should be. blessed bard. it’s extra sweet to me that he’s the most well-liked bachelor both in and out of the game given one of the npc gossip lines your son can tell you— he grew up without many friends (in the original game the secret was that he was bullied). he deserves all the happiness in the world

matt opinions

matt shares his Opinions (slander) on gordy and rock specifically if you show him your kid with them, but has no slander for gustafa… his line for gustafa is instead just copied from what he says about the bachelorettes’ kids. so i count that as a gustafa win

i had to stretch to find any mention of gustafa by matt, the closest thing is that he comments that he doesn’t usually go to the starlight concert

i want gustafa and matt to interact!!! i want gustafa to give matt a tomato when he’s being gruff like he did with nami (matt: “th-thank you…..*blush* i already have ten billion of these”) matt also has lines about farm work being easier when you’ve got music accompanying you if you show him a record so i’ll count that as a very flimsy positive connection (matt IS friendly with gavin, due to frequenting the bluebird café, but is a bit reticent to make friends on his own)

rock opinions and social diseases

rock is extremely excited about hearing gustafa play music and calls him a wizard at the guitar and says he never gets tired of hearing him play. he also likes wandering over to gustafa’s yurt and listening to his music along with tei on market days (his most normal bachelor to bachelor interaction)

the only guy who gets no positive comment from rock is matt, instead rock goes to town roasting him in his fourth heart event out of envy for a completely imaginary situation and argues that he’s worth a hundred matthew’s (source?). he also likes to go into the already crowded farmhouse at night on market days and make it even more cramped, but he usually leaves right before matt gets home

finally rock has what i can only describe as a really odd one-sided crush on gordy!! he meanders into gordy’s trailer at 12:45 AM (AM) every market day and loudly, obliviously asks why there’s so much “trash” everywhere (you’re the trash, rock!!!!!!). thankfully rock is quite literally beneath gordy’s notice, however this seems to make rock sad and he tries to come up with wacky stunts to get gordy’s attention like drawing on gordy’s face and… holding his breath? (maybe, i dunno WHERE that dialogue triggers). he has a line celebrating gordy finally noticing him, i’m not sure what causes it though (for his part, gordy has no lines referencing rock)

finally, if you show rock your kid he will tease them by bragging that he was waaaay cuter at their age… but ONLY if it’s a bachelor’s child. rock your complex is so obvious that it’s more of a simple

in summary,

rock seems to think highly of each of the guys (except matt), unfortunately this manifests in him making really odd attempts to barge into their houses at strange hours and by trying to assert dominance in annoying ways. thankfully no one really notices anything he does (except matt)

matt doesn’t generally say nice things about anyone except cecilia (which makes the nice things he says, like about nina, more meaningful…) so unsurprisingly he has nothing nice to say about any of the guys, but he doesn’t have anything negative to say about gustafa. however he seems to want friends to do stuff with (he complains about how no one in the valley wants to go swimming…..hhhgg i am desperate to force rock and matt to spend time together. a friendship where you can’t stand each other but you’re the only two people who enjoy doing the same hobby so you put your differences aside and splash around in the water) like with rock no one really seems aware of matt’s existence except rock who is Extrwmely Aware to the point of knowing about matt’s crush on ceci, but unlike rock matt is not exactly jumping at the chance to go socialize with others

gustafa and gordy are friends with each other (and also both are friends with nami) and they support each others ambitions. i have no source but i’m confident that when gustafa visits gordy he’s also bringing him water and soup (he also visits daryl so i think it’s cool and fun if gustafa drops in on the local lost-in-thought creative hermits with hydration reminders and care packages)

[ilovemycrayons]

you smoke & I’ll have a drink [emily prentiss x reader]

I’m in love with Emily Prentiss & It is quite sad the literal choke hold she has on me. I slammed this together while sT0n3d as shit, per usual how I spend my nights & this is how i imagine being in a relationship with Emily where she is okay with her girlfriend smoking & loves it because it makes her girlfriend more honest & fun to play with. 

I don’t post what I write usually so I don’t know how to do warnings but if you’re not a fan of drinking or smoking w33d then this is kind of full of it. fingering, praise talk i think is in here, probably self esteem issues i wouldn’t put it past me. I don’t know I’m sorry i tried. Just be warned I guess. But if I missed any please let me know. also yes the grammar is probably piss poor & i think it is written in 2nd person or something i’m so sorry in advance.

Everything was working out perfectly. It was Friday night, the new case they had picked up earlier in the week was finished and the suspect was in custody, and to celebrate it was girl’s night. You had heard all about it from Emily on her drive home, making your heart sing hearing the happy and relaxed tone in her voice. it was also warming to know she had managed to find some time to go out with her BAU girls especially after such a case from the little details you got from the news coverage & Emily. 

“i want you to come with us. i also know what you need to do to feel comfortable in a setting like that, if you want to smoke first i can pick you up in 30 minutes if that works for you.” 

the line was silent for a minute while you tried to collect your already high as a kite thoughts. “i- i don’t understand what you mean. i would never do something like that… like smoking.” it was so forced and such a lie anyone could have caught it. you had a suspicion that was one of her favorite things about you, the fact that you were such a bad liar. she must find entertainment in you always scrambling to find a good lie to bark out at her. 

“absolutely baby, not a little stoner at all. i will see you in 30 then.” you could picture the smile on her face and your stomach flipped just thinking about it. you hung up the phone and ran into your bathroom to get in the shower. 

you had no idea what it was that kept her so interested in you. she was the head of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, studying and catching some of the worst serial killers ever. smarter than anyone you have ever met, but you’ve heard rumors about Dr. Spencer Reid. you had a good job & made enough money where you were able to afford an apartment comfortably by yourself, but exactly as she said, you were a smoker. you only smoked at night mostly to go to sleep & relax and when you went out you chose to be high rather than drink. after your shower you dried off, did your hair and makeup, before throwing on a big tshirt to wait until Emily was close to picking you up. you had fifteen minutes left before she would be at your door. turning on something on your tv you smoked until you got the text from emily that she was on her way. you ran back into your room and picked out your favorite dress that was short at the perfect length and showed off your chest quite nicely. 

in perfect synchronization with putting your lipstick away in your bag for the night, the doorbell rang. you took a last look in the mirror you had by the door and opened it to reveal a smiling emily. she was still in her work suit but it complimented her so well and she knew you loved it when she wore them. lately, emily had been letting her hair grow out and the beautiful gray show more which was making you weaker in the knees each time you saw her and sending you through the roof. it took you too long to realize you were admiring her until you looked up at her and saw the look on her face. “h-hello.” you finally squeaked out. 

“hi little bird, you look very pretty.” she smiled scanning your figure, her eyes following your curves leaving a small smirk on her face. “are you ready to go?” 

“yes,” you smiled and put your bag on your shoulder and took your jacket off the hook. you closed & locked the door behind you then followed emily down to her car. the rest of the night was filled with high energy & great drinks. you had met penelope & jj before at a night out with the team but never this intimate. you relaxed through the night as they asked questions to get to know you better and you all made jokes about some of the guys that tried to come up to the table. 

after a few hours you all said goodbye and you were soon back in emily’s car heading back to your apartment. “i’m glad you came out with us,” she smiled and placed her hand on your thigh. “did you have a good time?” 

feeling her hand on your thigh your back was now flush against the car seat. “i had a lot of fun. it was nice to meet JJ & Penelope outside of the group, they are so nice.” you quickly glance down at Emily’s hand that seemed to be a little further up on your thigh than before, but you both knew you weren’t complaining. the drive back to your apartment was a comfortable silence until emily parked and turned to you and smiled. 

“thank you for a wonderful night. would you like to come up for another drink before you go?” you you look up and can’t help but smile when she turns the car off and grabs her bag from the back seat.

 “i would love to.” she smiled and kissed your cheek before getting out of the car. as you walked up to the door you got your keys out and led her inside. you were happy to see your apartment was clean enough for a guest. you walked to the little bar in the corner of your kitchen and made emily a quick rum & coke which had been her drink of choice for the night. “thank you baby,” she smiled and took a sip. “will you be smoking i assume?” emily smiled and walked through the apartment looking out the back slider to the deck, smiling at the rolling tray on the table. 

“oh, uhm if you don’t mind sure. we can sit outside, it’s my favorite spot in the whole apartment.” you smiled and walked out with her. you had spent so much time making a small corner of the patio to be a perfect smoking corner. you sat in your usual spot while Emily sat right next to you and sipped her drink, answering some messages on her phone. you got to work making a little joint, picking out the perfect nug, fitting it into the grinder just right, and you definitely enjoyed hearing the sound of the weed being grinded, knowing that a beautiful pile would be waiting for you in the middle chamber. After you were done, you pulled out what you needed to roll. you pulled out her new favorite lighter -of-the-week and lit the joint. 

Everyone knows the best hit is the first, and this one did not disappoint. you felt all of the muscles in your body (except your lungs) completely relax and tensions were all gone. Instinctively you pulled out your phone and opened your favorite app and began scrolling while continuing to smoke. It was amazing to you that Emily didn’t always need you to entertain her. you two were completely comfortable just being with each other, whether you were talking or playing around, or just being in the same room together without saying a word. This was the perfect time to just sit and enjoy each other’s company while Emily sipped her drink and you smoked your perfectly rolled little joint.

After some time had passed, you put the remains in your ashtray and sat back in your seat. “That felt amazing.” you giggled as you felt the slow buzz go through your body. “This is my favorite flower I’ve gotten so far.”

“i hope you will be able to get it again,” Emily said in a soft voice while picking up her hand and bringing it to her lips to kiss the back. “Why don’t you come over to the couch with me,” she smiled. “I feel like it has been forever since we actually sat together.” she stood up and gently pulled you up with her before getting as comfortable as she could on the outside bench. Luckily it was padded, but it didn’t add much. It also didn’t help that she pulled you down onto her lap. she wrapped one hand around your waist and the other on your legs keeping you close to her. “Now this is more comfortable.” she chuckled.

“Think so? I’m definitely comfy.” you smiled and nuzzled into her chest. you stayed still while she held you, leaning her cheek against the top of your head and rocking you both very gently which soothes you a little too well.

Emily pulled back and smiled at you. “I think you deserve another. You’ve been so supportive this week,” her voice was soft and low, sending chills through your whole body. Emily definitely noticed as she put her hand on your cheek and you nearly melted against her. “If anything, baby, do it for me.”

Carefully, you got down off her lap and set yourself up between her legs facing the table. Surprisingly, it was more comfortable than you thought. you started the same process again, but was distracted when you felt Emily’s lips against your neck. The jar that held your flower was put back down on the table and you leaned back against Emily’s chest.

“Bird what happened? Can you not concentrate?” she leaned you up and pulled the table closer. “Maybe you can’t reach, maybe this will help. ”

you picked everything up again, starting where you left off. It wasn’t long into your process until Emily started again. A slow trail of kisses on all sides of your neck, this time accompanied by some traveling hands. All on your sides, trailing down to your thighs and back up again to your chest (which you were grateful for the fact you chose against any kind of bra.) you playfully pushed her off so you could stand up to reach the roller on the other side of the table.

When you did, your panties were pulled to the floor, leaving you completely exposed under the skirt of your dress. you turned around to Emily laughing. “Really? Are we children?” you reached down to pull your panties back up but was stopped when Emily grabbed your waist.

“I thought you would be more comfortable this way.” she  smirked and pulled you back down onto the couch with her. Emily’s lips were back on your neck and her hands lying comfortably on your thighs. “Anyway, continue.” she hummed. Emily slowly trailed her hand up your body from your thigh and up to your chest and softly began to massage your breast, while placing light kisses along your shoulder and back up again. Her other land lightly glided up your thigh, getting closer to where you wanted her to be. 

Emily’s hand on your chest slowly got more aggressive, grabbing more man massaging and mixing between teasing and pinching your nipple that was now between her fingers easily slipped under the top of your dress. The hand that was on your thigh was now drawing light circles against your clit, slowly leaving you a shaking mess against her. 

“Oh fuck Emily, I’m so close.” you finally whined out. Her lips were on all of your sweet spots along your neck and shoulder, her hand on your breast twisting and pulling at your nipple, and her fingers moving in a faster circle while your climax was rushing over. 

“Cum for me baby.” she hummed and kept her pace helping you through your climax. “Good job baby, you did so good.” she hummed and held you when collapsed back against her, breathing heavily trying to collect yourself. “I think you deserve that second joint now.” emily laughed lightly and kissed your cheek. 

You laughed and sat back up again finishing what you started. You set everything up and looked around the table for your book of papers, only to realize they were on the other side of the table. “Shit,” you mumbled. “My papers are on the other side of the table.”

“So then get them.” Emily smirked looking up from the message she was answering on her phone.

You gave Emily a suspicious look but decided to trust her. You hesitated another second before standing up and reaching over the table for the papers. When they were in your hand, just as you predicted, you felt two of her fingers slide inside you. “Oh fuck!” you screamed but quickly bit your lip once you were reminded you were outside.

Emily laughed with a teasing tone and slipped his fingers out before pulling you back down on the couch. “Oh birdie, so wet for me already. Are you finished rolling yet?”

“I just have to add uhm, the paper. So one more step.`` As you explained, you completed each step and were finally greeted by a beautifully rolled joint. You picked it up and held it in front of your face. “Perfection.”

Emily handed you a lighter which you happily took and lit the joint in your fingers. You enjoyed the first few hits before Emily took your body and turned you towards her to kiss her. Emily’s hands traveled again and her tongue started exploring your lips, teasing against you. She broke the kiss turning to face you forward before scooping you up and sitting you on the couch while she got comfortable next to you. Emily placed her hand on your cheek slowly down your body until it was between your legs again and sliding her fingers over your entrance knowing it was teasing you more than ever now. “Don’t forget about your joint.” 

“Please?” you whined and leaned your head back taking a hit and blowing it out. “Please.”

Emily slipped two fingers in and waited for you to adjust and get comfortable. Instinctively, you started grinding against her hand, causing emily to smirk. “Oh fuck Emily.” you moaned.

She wrapped her other arm around you and slipped the strap of your dress down, exposing your breast, giving her more room to go back to playing with your nipple as she did before. “Look at you baby, you look so perfect for me, grinding against my hand, you’re so wet for me too. Are you enjoying yourself bird?”

Hearing all of her words of praise, and nursing the joint you made sent sparks through you helping you keep a steady pace of your hips. You bit your lip harder as your climax built, holding on to the arm and back of the couch for support. “It feels so good Emily. I’m gonna cum again, I’m so close.” 

Emily chuckled playfully and leaned down to take your nipple between her teeth, giving a soft bite and softly kissing as an apology. “Cum for me birdie, now.” she barked and leaned back, enjoying the moment. On command, another and stronger wave washed over your body and after what felt like an eternity, you finally collapsed next to Emily, who brought you into her side, but careful of the blunt that was almost finished. On the last hit you took before you exhaled, emily softly put her hand on your neck giving it a small squeeze as you exhaled before she kissed you again. 

A little surprised by her actions you ended up with a little bit of a coughing fit but got it under control quickly. “Wh-what was that? I’m not complaining, I’m just asking.” she took the finished joint from your fingers and put it out in the ashtray before sitting back on the couch with you.

“Oh baby, I’m full of surprises. You’ll just have to wait and see.” Emily smiled as she curled you up in her arms close to her chest and lightly rubbed your shoulders and back. “I love you.” she whispered.

~~~~

Anyway, I told you it was kind of a mess but i had to get the idea out. Let me know what you think of this one please. Again, i know the grammar and spelling and everything isn’t good i told you i tried my best & just worked on getting the idea on paper & if you might be interested in another work in progress that i can rewrite to prentiss. 

taglist because they interacted with the post from earlier : 

@darcyfangirlsfrequently​ @strawberry-miku​ @natasharomanoffisbaebby​ @kennedy-alexis​ @evilregal2002​ @ssalinaprentiss​ 

[ibroughtyoumybullets]

very funny how i continue to go on the internet and expect to see well though, reasonable responses like some kind of fool. do i think watcher jumping to SVOD at this moment in time is a good idea? no, not really. i don’t think they quite have the streaming numbers or appropriate primary age demographic for it to work out. i also don’t think they put out enough content at the moment for it to be worth it (forgive the pun) for most people. i think they could have pivoted more slowly, outlined their plan further out from its implementation, and considered other non-youtube options instead of doing this.

i also think it’s really silly how people will bitch and moan about google’s monopoly on video hosting and the increasing nanny-state sanitization of the internet in an effort to appeal to advertisers who want every single piece of media to be palatable for people ages 03-99+, and then when a company does attempt to get around that because they have some basic artistic integrity people become furious that they aren’t being spoon fed content for free and on demand.

i have seen a good amount of responses that boil down to “oh i can’t afford that. that sucks. good luck guys!” and that’s a perfectly normal way to react. like you can be sad about not being able to afford content you enjoy. i would feel the same way and don’t see anything wrong with that.

but it’s so laughably out of touch to act like a company pivoting their revenue source so they can free themselves from under advertisers thumbs is … a scam? scummy? somehow #problematic? it doesn’t even make sense. not everything you don’t like that inconveniences you is cancellable. join the real world.

ultimately with what little knowledge i have i get the feeling they expanded too much too fast and are now trying to fix that without having to do lay offs / cancel future plans. i have, honestly, wondered why they have so many people on staff? it certainly must make everybody’s lives easier within the company but i don’t know if i think that, or their (admittedly very very cool) offices and super fancy sets, were necessary from the get go. i think they were used to a certain standard of production coming from buzzfeed, sought to recreate that in their own company, and came to realize they just straight up can’t afford to maintain that within their current business model. and that sucks. i and a lot of other people are definitely fine with, or even prefer in some ways, a less polished standard of production but it’s clear that they Don’t and the art they want to make goes beyond dudes in a car with blue and yellow text on a screen. they are all adults with established careers - that’s perfectly logical.

ultimately i don’t even know if i’ll sub. i’ll probably test run it. they’ve made a lot of content i enjoy over the years and would like to give them a chance. do i think it will work out in the long run? no. but it definitely won’t work if people act like wanting to pay their bills and give their employees health insurance is a crime and strike them from the public record of Perfect and Awesome Creators Who Will Never Fail Us On Pain Of Death.

but also maybe i need to stop looking for level headed nuance on tunglr dot come

[wooftphr]

going to start posting shit my marine biology teacher says bc shes probably one of the most interesting people ive ever met. i dont even know how to describe it. here are some actual things about her and that ive heard her say:

-her accent is very noticeable, but equally as hard to place. at first, i thought it was bc i had just never heard or clocked it, but it did feel familiar. i just couldn’t figure out where it was from. when someone finally asked her where her accent was from, she told us “i don’t know, i just pick things up from places ive visited and lived.” which is a very long list, and you can hear the influence that every place on it has on her speech.

-“over spring break, im going to climb mount kilamanjaro!”

-the first or second week of school, she told the class that “if you need to reach me this weekend, i wont be able to answer any emails. it’s not that i don’t want to, but ill be deep beneath the earth exploring cave systems so i wont have service.”

—bonus: she shared photos of a strange Bug of some sort, greater than the size of a hand, that she had to crawl around in a very tight cave system when it wouldnt move. she also got covered in ants on this same trip, saying that “only her fingernails were visible”

-“i’ll be out of class next week, i’m going to be in a remote cabin. im planning on getting snowed in and ill be completely cut off from the world”

-“im so close to the treasure i can feel it i bet on a book at an auction and i can smell the answer, i know it has a secret that will help me get closer”

-“i used to have a t-rex jawbone but i had to leave it behind, i couldnt transport it”

-“i want to visit my friend who lives in alaska, but its so remote that i have to take a helicopter and its such a hassle not having any access to the rest or the world”

-“later on in the year, i may have to zoom to teach you all since i applied to be a part of a landmark research voyage and i am one of the final selections.”

-“i watched someone get stung by a stonefish. thankfully he survived but it was nasty stuff”

-“i was stung by several fireworms during a study. it was 2am and there was no one around, so i had to figure out a way to treat myself. for 3 years after, the hospital called ME for fireworm stings”

-she mentioned having more than 1 car, and when a student asked how she could afford multiple cars she told us “im a treasure hunter!” and DID NOT ELABORATE FURTHER!!!!!!!!!

-shes a big one piece fan because shes a treasure hunter, which is crazy because she is also the sort of woman who seems like she has not even a drop of free time she is so busy Doing Cool Shit

-“if you saw my closet, you would think i was a paleontologist”

-she is part of the explorers club, which i didn’t know was a Real Thing. like you see something like that in media and its like “oh thats an antiquity and used to emphasize the eccentricity” but no they have meetings and everything.

-“hong kong’s customs/mail system HATES me. i was the reason for a new law or two haha” its necessary to note that i dont remember this exactly, but i do remember her telling us that there is a government office in asia that has a bias specifically against her. its also necessary to note that she once again, did not elaborate.

-“and NO ONE else wanted to go into the steel cage being circled by a great white!”

-“i had to stop visiting a dolphin i was helping study because it got so excited to see me it caused problems. it kept throwing itself against the glass when it saw me because it was copying all the kids who would tap on the glass i think? it was so sad”

more to come. im obsessed with this woman ngl.

[qvietspvce]

okay yup. so i’m happy that bee is moving out because this will be so good for her but i’m also a little sad and a little worried about what this means for me

i’ve really enjoyed sharing a house with people again. i didn’t realise how lonely and sad i got when it was just me.

it’s also been a huge weight off my mind to have other people help with the bills.

i could start looking at advertising the rooms out for other housemates but i’m worried about how the cats would react to two strangers in the house. i’m worried about how two strangers would act with me.

i don’t think i can afford living on my own anymore and i think i need to come to a decision about what my next steps are going to look like which means thinking about downsizing. if i move, it’s unlikely i’ll be allowed to bring three cats with me. which means i’m thinking about potentially having to rehome my creechurs.

i don’t want to rehome my creechurs at all but this is made even more complicated by the fact that i won’t be able to rehome mango at all. she’s not a “friendly” cat. she bites. she doesn’t like cuddles unless they’re on her terms and when she gets stressed she becomes very ill (as i recently learned). she also doesn’t get on with the other two cats in the house. this isn’t a problem currently because there’s enough space that the three of them can all be kept separate if needed. if i downsize to somewhere smaller i know that dolly-ollie and charlie can spend time together and will be fine but mango won’t be okay.

so i don’t know what to do.

i’ll figure it out. i’ve got time but i’m still worrying.

[keefwho]

July 19 - 2023 Wednesday

7:51 AM

I think maybe I have a case of imposter syndrome. Something I was reading related to how I think, “They wouldn’t say I was good if they knew what I was REALLY like.” It makes sense too, believing you’re a bad or broken person despite operating well on the outside will make you feel like that quote. But as soon as I defuse from self criticizing thoughts and develop better perspective, my self opinion improves greatly. 

2:11 PM

I feel like writing every time I am in distress which is almost constantly. Its EXACTLY like when I had my major anxiety problem because there was actually no break. It was constant, every hour. I do feel like I’m taking my first effective step in getting better about my situation though. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself because it’s only been a few days now that I’ve been applying focus on just a couple of things. Those two things are reminding myself that I’m me as much as possible, and identifying/defusing from thoughts that cause me distress. Whenever I feel ‘bad’, I try to think about what exactly is making me feel this way. Often times it will come down to a thought or belief that may or may not be true but either way is occupying my mental space in an unhelpful way. I’m trying to improve on noticing these thoughts and not letting them get to me so much. I can still feel bad about things as long as I’m not getting too sucked in. 

3:29 PM

At my core I just want someone to share things with. Experiences and feelings. Some to feel open and safe with. Someone who loves me as much as I love them. The yearning is strong.

3:55 PM

The thoughts are coming on strong. Thoughts like: “How did I fuck up everything so bad.” “Can I really move forward.” “What if I lose them.” “I can’t talk to anyone, they’ll hate me.” “I’ll never see improvement.” “My relationships are on the downhill.” “What if I stay lonely today?”

But they are only words. They might be true or untrue. They are just appraisals made by my mind about everything I got going on.

Im always irrationally worried that today will be the last time I talk to my bestie. I’m afraid she will become too aware of how fucked up I am. 

4:48 PM

I’m deep in, trying to defuse from my thoughts. There are just so many. I also have to defuse from the thought that I won’t be able to defuse. Its INSANE. I could use some perspective if only I could find a way to get it right now. I feel like I’m stuck in the past in a place that doesn’t exist. 

For awhile I was hopeful that I could rekindle a friendship with someone I had a falling out with but I think I’m far too late. Its something I let slip away and I’m upset at myself for it. I see old pics and feel sad that they are probably looked at by the other person as something hurtful. I handled everything that happened very poorly, all because I didn’t know how to handle my feelings properly and didn’t have a good grasp on myself. Thats why I’m still afraid now. I’m afraid I’m going to mess everything up again for similar reasons. Things I can’t even see yet. 

10:44 PM

This morning I ate beefaroni with some saltines in it and an applesauce. Kind of a weak breakfast but it was different than usual at least and very convenient. I tried making a stellar cup of coffee with extra sugar but got some coffee grounds in it. I did a warmup off stream and a little bit late. I felt very strongly that I wanted to make something mushy for my bestie. Just a little thing to show her how highly I think of her. I started my stream after that and only went for 1 hour 15 minutes instead of 2 because of how behind schedule I was. Since the commissioner is paying double I could afford to do that. We watched the King Ramsey episode of Courage today. I was also kinda brain dead like I didn’t know how to make non-awkward conversation. After stream I procrastinated a little bit before my workout. It was a pain in the ass setting it up but I got my mic, wireless headphones, and xbox controller configured to play VRchat while I walked. I did stay occupied but unfortunately made no conversation with anyone. I watched Henry’s Kitchen stream on the side. I did 2.5 out of 3 miles on the treadmill and ended early so I could mow the lawn which would also count as my cleaning for the day. Half the lawn is basically fully dead at this point and I don’t know what to do about that. I had a quick shower before making lunch. I made Rice a Roni Pilaf with broccoli, green beans, spinach, onions, and tuna. It wasn’t bad but I didn’t cut the onions very well and I don’t like the texture of pilaf very much. At this point I was starting to get in a bad mood and eventually got around to doing today’s request but I decided not to do project work today. I felt like sulking a little bit instead. Also my eyes hurt. I knew I couldn’t just sulk though and tried to work just a little bit on anything I knew I wanted to do. I played Pony Town and made a little addition to my house. I made the Hopping Homies VRchat group and a stand-in banner. I set up 2 new channels in my server specifically for my art and VR content. Might expand that in the future but this’ll do for now. I watched XQC stream and hopped into his discord server’s VC and actually made some nice little conversation while all watching him together. I kinda trauma dumped but so did the other guy I was talking to. It would be helpful for me to stop saying “im fine” even to strangers when I’m not actually fine. I’m not trying to sympathy farm, just be open and honest about being down because it’s okay that I am. I had a little VR time with the bestie after that and a nice  feelings chat with her. I probably have something to talk about almost every night but I do worry if discussing each other’s sorrows so often could be a bad thing. Thats just my brain talking, I feel as though it is good but on the surface it seems like it could get out of hand. But maybe not. It’s something I’ll figure out by feel. 

I think today it would have been best not to make that sketch, only because I sort of promised I would give less to my bestie because of how it can make her feel like she needs to do more. I made sure I wasn’t doing it out of obligation or anything though, I really wanted to do it. I got satisfaction out of it. I definitely wish I hadn’t of procrastinated as much as I did or shirk my project time. I did do a good job of channeling my energy into doing things afterward though. I popped off around VR time because I really do feel like myself around my friend. I feel at home in a way. It’s one of the few times I know what I want and who I am.

[alyjojo]

April 🌻 2023 Monthly - Cancer

Whole of your energy: 4 Wands

I’m having to “think like Cancer” with this one, because you’re sweet, and have a tendency to get involved with other people’s problems in the name of being sweet. Or a good friend. So for some of you, these are your own issues and you’re leaning on a friend for help/advice. For others, it’s someone else’s actual issue and you’re the friend they’re talking to about it. Such is Cancer life. I’ll just read it as you and if you’re the friend, you know what’s up. Someone is dealing with a toxic person or partnership, there is a breakup involved. And it may not be toxic per say, you or a friend could just feel stuck/trapped to an argument type of situation. Lovers may be involved, or suspected, it’s a whole situation of hurt and heartbreak here. If it’s you, hugs to you 💚 Someone may be staying with you at your house for a bit in order to clear their head, or it involves money, maybe they’re saving up. Or you are. A small side story here is being trapped to a property or home you maybe can’t afford, they could be raising the rent on you or you’re being hit with expenses you can’t afford, possibly due to toxic or overly expensive patterns/addictions of some person you’re with. Even if it’s just a friend, a roommate, casual. Your oracle cards show doubles, not triples, you don’t have a third 6 here and that means something while dealing with this Devil. It’s not the worst of things. There are also two 3’s and no third, which means there is no 3rd party conflict here. 555 is here showing conflict, being conflicted, or feeling competition with something, between you two. 999 shows independence and having to separate yourself from the double to focus on the self, what do you want? Or that’s the problem. You’ve also got 11:11 here with 4 Wands, and Overwhelm (11) & 9 Cups (manifesting your dreams) supports you being able to create the outcome you desire, once you get your head on straight. Truth being 12 show this is what’s needed to do that. Numbers seems to be your game this month, whew 😰 Comment if you’re a numbers person, because I’m normally not & my head is spinning with all of this! You can’t manifest what you want until you know what you want.

What’s going on in April:

5 Cups:

There is deep sadness here, regarding a message of being told you’re on your own, a relationship has broken up, a building is evicting you or becoming too expensive (for that story). If you’re the one that’s said or done this, you now regret it. The Tower shows this may have been a knee jerk reaction or something that’s happened suddenly and wasn’t expected, and 5 Cups is mourning, sadness, an energy of focusing so much on what’s lost that one doesn’t pay attention to what’s still standing, probably a good friendship with Lucy here. The Lovers following show what this 5 is upset about, for most of you.

The Lovers:

The Emperor is at grass roots, a married man. Doesn’t have to be a man literally, but masculine in energy, someone who follows strict guidelines and principles and expects others to follow their lead, it’s a boss, a father, and husband. You could be married to this person, maybe have kids with them. You’re upset about other options they may have, and this could be at work, that’s shown in the next row, or these could be friends. They may be hanging out with people after work. 3 Cups can be “partying” with friends, and The Devil up top can be lusty, deceptive, or relating to alcohol & addictions, it definitely goes deeper than suspicions, but I don’t see 3 Swords as an action. With The Devil, it’s clear some action has been taken, maybe messages, flirtations, your boundaries have definitely been crossed in some way and you’re feeling disrespected. It’s possible you went through a break-up, and your person ran off with some other person that could be a friend of yours. In the case of a home and a lack of finances, your person may be very indulgent and a big part of the problem *why* finances are slim. Their Devil energy would be the third energy, you can’t control it but it’s driving a wedge between you.

5 Wands:

Conflict, competition more like, there are several people in this mix, 7 Cups shows many options, but no one particular person that I’m seeing stand out. The Devil is with King of Pentacles, so it’s them that’s the issue, not all of these options. They wouldn’t be there if the door wasn’t open right? You’re placing blame appropriately. 5 Pentacles is feeling left out in the cold, you’re very open about your emotions even if it’s in a conflict sort of way. They were supposed to be a team with you and instead are playing the field or playing with the ideas of other options, work may be involved in some way, if you can’t get ahead and feel trapped to a dead end job. If a home, you thought the landlord or whoever was working with you and you had a good thing going, now you’re feeling a major lack materially, could have debts, something you were depending on has fallen through and it’s upsetting you deeply.

7 Cups:

In either story, these are your options. Maybe your person’s. Stupid risks and behaviors clarifies these options, and also that no action has been taken. Your person may be jumping all over your boundaries but hasn’t actually crossed them? Or *them* as they were before you moved the goal posts 😆 There is a feeling of restructuring boundaries for sure, at least on your end. If there are options to move or what to do with a property, you’re afraid of taking any actions and haven’t moved forward yet, the news is all still sinking in and you’re not acting impulsively with this. Ace of Cups is a new beginning. Could be with this person, or a new area, something is new, but you’re not going to just rush into committing yourself that later turns out to be The Devil…and by then you’re trapped.

9 Cups:

This is where your manifestations come in. You have to know what you want to create that for yourself, and you need clear answers from this person, property owner, businessperson etc., before you can do that. What you know you want is the end to stress, being stuck in your head worrying about everything, not knowing where you’ll be tomorrow or what this person is doing at work or with friends or or or 🦭 etc. King of Pentacles IS stability, that’s what he’s the King of, so if he’s also trapped in Devil energy it’s a trickle down effect of wtf that affects you too. This could also be a job, I don’t really get that, but when it’s Pentacles it can always be work. The literal building you work at? Trying to work at home? This last row says you just want to be happy, maybe an apology from this person who decides to knock it off and make a decision. Could be you apologizing if this whole thing is switched. It’s possible you’re making up, but if so it’s still not 10 Cups, you’re at a 9 and offering a Page, that’s pretty telling that you’re still thinking and deciding independently, offering flirtations and sweet offers but not UNION, and making this person prove themselves. If a property or business, you could be trying to be the bigger person and offer something to make them change their mind or work with you. You could also find an option that makes you happier than you were with what ended, it takes a lot of stress off of you, but there’s no clear cut answer in April, just an offer, or one you’re contemplating on making. Page of Cups is good news 🙏

Signs you may be dealing with:

All earth, all water, Aries & Gemini

Oracles: ✨

66. New Start

- Sometimes we must realize that what we have done needs to be discarded and we must make a new start.

11. Overwhelm

The hard work we love can leave us feeling burdened, drained, and burnt out, among other problems.

12 Truth 🦅

The eagle proudly surveys its domain from such a high perch that all pertaining to this situation are revealed. The shadows hide nothing from your keen vision. Once you can remove yourself from the muck that lower vibrations keep you in, you can attain a viewpoint that enables you to see the truth of the matter. This card advises you to search for the truth of the situation, regardless of the emotions it brings up. Are you or someone connected to you unconsciously suppressing the truth? Hiding from the truth can only intensify the lesson later on.

We enter into April as:

Lucy From Indigo 💟:

“I’m so glad you’re in my life.”

If this card has come to you, then you’ve been graced with a connection and you are most fortunate. One of the most valuable assets in our lives is friendship. This is a reminder to be grateful for the people in your life, this itself raises our vibration to a higher level. If you are unhappy in any relationships, Lucy is a reminder that it is always in our power to change it. Whatever lack you are feeling in your life, if you give that to others, you will receive the very thing you feel deprived of. The time is now to become what we want to become. If you are withholding from anyone it is you who will suffer the consequences. Be the example and live this day with gratitude. Kindness is contagious. In order to be who we want to be, we must simply be that person, there is no mystery to being a good person. Good people do good things.

What is to be learned in April:

The Emerald Stone 🧩

“The heart knows what the eyes cannot see.”

There are times when things happen to us and no explanation is possible. Often our journey brings us full circle, leaving many of us to wonder why. The Emerald Stone is inviting you to follow through in whatever is before you. Going back is not an option. Forward movement will change your entire perspective on life - for the better. You may now be able to hear something that you have been told many times. Your reward will be a closer relationship with yourself. If Emerald Stone sparkles for you, it is with the understanding that you are now developing a new perception of things. The Stone welcomes you out of the dark and into your heart.

Green may be a lucky color 💚

[jkastudio]

Im so sad im moving out of the stu :(

I haven’t been here in the studio since I finish my Glad school applications. I took a week break because it was really exhausting and it was a lot and I was burnt out a little bit.

And now I’m back I’m trying to be in the routine again. I was really grateful that I had some time off and I can afford to have some time off during then I was updating my website put in my works up so that if the colleges Woodstock me they would see my work on my website

But now I’m back in the studio and I’m looking around and all our artworks up on the wall are gone from the Mural. And it’s really sad and not the same anymore and Kanell puts me in a slump looking at it.

Lenny moved out like a week ago and I should be cleaning up as well. I mean Josh let me stay here to work on my grad school stuff but now that I’m done with that I also don’t wanna overstay my welcome and just stay here for free.

Right now there’s not really much going on. My freelance jobs is a little bit stagnant battery for a woman is down. We have a project for Newark and that’s the only thing I’m working on right now and then I’m fixing my portfolio but that’s all I’ve been doing my school stuff for God I’m just waiting for to hear back.

So I am trying to apply to a bunch of stuff reaching out to people, but no one really has reached back to me. At least I got hired for that summer job in at the park. I’m really excited about that but aside from that there’s really not much going on.

I’m wondering if I can barter for a work studio set up but I’m not even sure if that’s a good idea I’m not sure how my schedule is going to look like in the future

It’s kind of crazy because usually around this time when I’m not doing stuff I go crazy I can’t go crazy for real and now I’m a little bit more calm because I have gone through like stagnancy before but I’ve learned to keep myself busy. I worked on my portfolio and it looks amazing. My website looks gorgeous. I keep on like looking at it so I’m very very proud of that.

I’m looking for Lyka top of like an educational background type work because that’s kind of what I’m going to Costco for a kinda wanna do my toes in it before I come in so there’s also that

But I just keeping my options open keeping myself busy. I hate going like spiraling when I’m bored, but so fun doing great job.

But I’m really just upset about my studio. I don’t wanna leave the store with the great studio. I wanna like take advantage of it and paint a little bit before I leave but just the thought of like me leaving the studio just makes me so sad.

A part of me is a little worried that maybe I’m doing this too early. Going to grad school too early. I’m not done to do I have done a lot and I’ve done a lot of progress with my own work but what I’m thinking is that ends? I do like serious things I’m not really gonna be able to do whatever I want. Meaning I don’t really get to do like the things that I’m doing now like going to work for the county and paint theater props you know so it’s one thing I’m kind of thinking about

Because I spoke to Jahi and he was talking a lot about that Hoe grad school is fake and how everything else or that is what matters end that’s it like this time right now is your wild wild west and I’m just thinking that like if I really really do take my art seriously and then go to residencies go to shows exhibit‘s move far away like I’m not gonna be able to do my art assistance job like meet you people being like our team and I realize that I actually really really enjoy those things so I don’t know how I feel about that

I mean, I’m sure that I’ll be able to still work with people collaborate and things like that in the future but I don’t know it’s just a little thing that I’m thinking about

[sensitiveeeeee]

Quietly Acknowledging my Accomplishments

It has been 9 years and really my whole life working for this. This program was so transformational, and I am so glad I got to experience it with such amazing people these past 3 years. And it has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I didn’t know if I’d be able to get through it.

This graduation means a lot to me because it isn’t just about getting to the end of this really difficult clinical psych program. It’s about finally having the career I want. I didn’t even feel like celebrating my undergrad graduation at the time because I was still so far from my goal of being a psychologist and helping people in a way that best suited me. But more than that, it’s about getting through everything that I had to do beforehand to be able to even be in school.

I think back to the very beginning, being 18 and going to a community college because it’s all I could afford for myself (no shame in that at all) and being in a miserable job where I was treated like a dumb kid (because I was a dumb kid, to be fair), having no idea who I was, losing/distancing from friends because I couldn’t have “the fun college experience” with them, and most impactful, getting into jobs in the psych feild where I really had to see and hear some shit and sometimes literally take punches from people experiencing something that was beyond their control, trying to protect them from themselves and from each other.

I’m thinking back to my black eye from years ago because it’s important to me to remember the ugliness that had to come with the good. There were a lot of ugly, terrifying moments that are too much to talk about, but that was probably the best physical reflection of it that I could capture.

There were beautiful moments too, like seeing a girl’s face light up from looking in the mirror after doing her makeup for fun in that inpatient facility that was often so sad and scary, other girls asking me to do their makeup or “getting in line” for me to draw them a picture, being able to keep them company and provide words of encouragement or coping skills to overcome urges to self-harm, laughing at things they said because so many were the funniest, brightest people, laughing and crying with coworkers and being inspired by their strength to lead and continue in that amazing work. People in that particular job and the one I had before continue to inspire me. I don’t really have pictures of the priceless moments that made me stay for years, but they will always be in my mind.

Confidence has always been my weakest area, and I had a lot of growing pains that really sucked, but I can say I’m proud of the person I am now as I come out on the other side. Looking back, I did THAT. I started out at 18 knowing absolutely nothing. I paid my way through school. I got out of this notoriously rigorous program with a 4.0 all semesters and got honors in undergrad while working very intense jobs because I wanted to do something meaningful in the field as soon as I could, while also fighting my own battles with mental illness and learning how to treat them myself. Ironically, I have never been helped by therapy, either because empirically supported treatments weren’t being utilized or I simply couldn’t afford it. But this program was like therapy. By learning from it, I slowly learned how to heal myself.

Pride feels very eventful when shame has been your default for so long. It’s very weird to say, but soon, once I pass the licensure test, I will be a psychologist. I am forever grateful to the psychologists and professors who guided me and told me they believed in me, and my classmates who struggled and grew with me. I’ll never forget how we leaned on one another.

I’ve changed over and over again throughout the years in my perspectives, beliefs, and opinions and still am. While I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to accepting myself, I can say I am so proud of my grit and my open mind. I’m proud of going through everything while being a very sensitive, soft person. I’m proud of doing this despite not believing I could, knowing I’d have to work harder because of my ADHD. And I’m proud of that thing inside me that made me do all this, the desire to help people find what is in them to ease their own mental suffering.

I almost cried when my professor, a pretty stoic man, who I consider to be a genius, said to me a couple weeks ago, “It has been really rewarding to watch you blossom into a more confident version of yourself. You are smart and talented, and I’m glad future students can learn from your written work and you can help so many people.” That was kind of a full circle moment for that little girl who was in title I and struggled with a learning disability. This has been one giant full circle. Even if things are still hard, I think just the act of doing this for myself was worth it.

I thought of writing this as “self-aggrandizing” in the beginning. To be fair, this is a giant self-congrats. But it feels like it’s time to openly give myself credit for once after almost a decade, never stopping to take it in and allow myself to consider all I’ve done. I have always been a skeptical person, and I feel like, over time, something broken inside me healed by proving my shame wrong with evidence.

[unrequestedthoughts]

Oh hey journal.

It’s me.

You didn’t forget about me, did you? ‘Course not since you’re a journal and have no cognitive abilities.

Anywho, Haley told me to journal, so here I am.

Oh, what’s that Journal? You want an update on my life? Well, I’ll tell you. Also, why did I just personify you by capitalizing the J in Journal? I don’t know but I figure I need to talk to someone or something and you’re the lucky bastard.

Life update: I haven’t made much professional development, oh, and I became a dad.

Who knew having a child would be so sweet and so hard and so infuriating at the same time? I love my little bug so much - waking up with her in the mornings as she stretches and waves at the world. I love making her belly laugh as I pour water from a cup into her bath. I love seeing mom and her laugh and learn together, a connection that is just perfect. But it’s also hard - I feel irrationally angry at times when I’m so tired, or just want some relief from the kiddo. I lament the days I could go on solo runs or rides, and even when I have the opportunity to do such a thing, I feel an immense amount of guilt about being away from the fam.

It’s such a strange thing: On one hand, I have to be selfless and giving of a whole chunk of my life. Yet, on the other hand, I need to preserve myself in order to support the family. Right now, I’m feeling like I don’t have a self - I’m just existing, not living. I feel stuck at work where more and more people seem to be achieving and growing in the company and I’m stuck in the same place as I was 5 years ago. It’s frustrating and embarrassing and makes me want to quick cold turkey, but guess what? I can’t. I couldn’t do that as we would have very little income and I can’t make that leap.

How do people do the grind? How do people have so much drive and focus during the day to be able to achieve great things? I’m rapidly approaching my 33rd year on this earth, which means that IF I live to 100, I’m nearly a third of the way. IF I make it to 70, I’m nearly half-way there. Death still scares me immensely, but that’s another topic all together. What I’m frustrated and saddened by is that I feel like I’ll just be average for the rest of my life. I know it may sound silly, but I feel that I’ll just never do much that is notable, and I know that this is based on my own perception of success and it is distorted by societal pressures. It is a feeling I experience frequently and it concerns me. Me, the slightly-above average person. I don’t know why that makes me so sad.

Maybe it’s the fact both my parents and my only sibling achieved “it”. And what do I mean by “it”, well, that is the question. Why the fuck am I so concerned about the success of my parents and sister in comparison with my own success? Why the fuck do I compare with others in the same way? I don’t know, maybe it’s because I WANT that. I want to FEEL successful. I want to be able to afford the reasonable car without having to worry about the mortgage. I want Haley to feel secure in how we’re able to save for our future yet still live an enjoyable life. I want bug to grow up with as many opportunities to grow as she can. I want to be able to buy bike parts and not have to scrounge for something to sell to justify it. I want to be able to buy firewood because it is a need, and in this moment in time, I do not have the ability to put in the time and effort to split my own wood. Being tight on money is a whole other type of imprisonment. It is crippling and stifling and all consuming. And even then, we have a fucking house, two excellent cars, gear for so many activities, and have never had to question if we’d have food on the table. I’ve got it made, but I want more, or at least I think I want more.

I guess I’m not sure what I would want if I didn’t have all these pressures pushing against me. My hope is that I would want a simple life and to love people. Haley asked me what matters most to me and I answered “Caring for people”, but all this shit I listed above… other than my direct family, who is it caring for? I want to justify my desire to make more money (I guess my idea of success, in this instance) as a way to pour into others, but I know if we made $20K more a year, we could easily just pour it into our own life. We’d pay off the car, only to start looking for a new car/house project/vacation. I’m selfish at heart, and I know it. I only think about things for myself, not for Haley. Jeeze, this is all over the place.

So. This rambling. What is it all for? Why do I desire “success” and define success by how much I can make? It’s because I see that making more is the way to being a little bit happier and more secure. Okay, I guess not happier, but maybe more secure. But, is that what life is about? Being secure? I mean, when one has a kid, it changes fucking everything. I understand why dad’s take crazy jobs with crazy hours in crazy locales when the pay is good - it allows them to better provide a secure future for their family, but I seem to not have that drive. Maybe I need to define what security looks like - Maybe it’s more accurate to say I want security versus success. Gah, i don’t know where this is going.

I can’t start this paragraph with “So” because this was supposed to be my “here’s the point” paragraph, but in looking just a little bit iup the page, I see I was supposed to have some sort of idea of how to move forward or have a revelation of some type in the previous paragraph. I think one of my realizations is that I truly just want security, financially speaking. I think we will always be frugal with our finances (heck, my ‘dream car’ is a plugin-hybrid RAV4) but when it’s tight and we have to pick this or that, it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating to not have the freedom to say yes to things. I see how folks can get behind and then the next thing they know they’re drowning in life. And I also see how having more fluid funds can provide a sense of security in the “well I can buy my way out” or “I can always afford any solution” but that’s not what life is about.

Life is about caring for folks. Life is staiying at refuge and hearing folks’ stories about life on the streets and growing up in abusive households. Life is laughing at funny sounds and pop-up dogs and cats. Life is about loving folks - connecting and truly knowing someone. But I’m so concerned about fucking STUFF.

God it makes me mad to even type that out, but it’s true. I need to change my mindset. I need help focusing on what is truly important and reasonable and to abandon thoughts of mediocrity. Maybe I will get to have a fancy pants job and make a shit load more money, but will I be caring for folks better? I sure hope so but I don’t know for certain.

Well, it’s 9:20, and my eyes are getting heavy, so maybe I’ll just close them and start typing just what my brain thinks. Yeah, I’m gonna do that. It’s like predictive texting but it’s all in my head which is wild, like how am I doing this while also falling asleep? I’m not sure and I’m not THAT tired, (he lied). I know I need to be less distracted at work, and I think I need medication to hopefully help with focus and drive - I’m dying at work all because of my own volition. I am my own worse enemy, sabotaging what could be a good thing, mostly because I want out of there. I have a messed up view that I don’t need to put in the effort because “what’ll they do, fire me?” But I need to work toward something. I think I need meds to help with my focus as I get so distracted and can’t figure out how to focus. Ironic that just a year ago I had a Ford Focus AND a Focus Mares bike, both my modes of transportation begging me to narrow my concentration on something specific. That went real well, didn’t it?

Now we’re at the epic song in the soundtrack by m83 (it’s my writing soundtrack) - and it feels like I should be wrighting a tear-jerking coffessional about how the world is so pur and simple and that the chains of societal pressure have slipped off, but there I remain clinging to the societal pillar, not wanting to let go because I can’t see what’s att he bottom of the abyss between holding to social norms and not giving a flying fuck about what I should be doing. I need to know what I am doing is valuable. It canhave value at least.

I’m helping folk s out with thtier passwords nad troubleshooting, and I guess that’s good.

Okay, I just opened my eyes and them spelling errors are atrocious. I’m calling it, Journal.

Night, Journal

[inmyheadandthoughts]

21st November 2022

Still not sure what i’m doing here, 4 years on.

I’ve been having a low mood about it since the start (even at the start! Can you believe it) of chasing this graphic design “dream” during my uni years, and now 4 years into it professionally, i feel like i’ve been sinking even deeper into this weird, sad pool, wallowing in it for way, way too long. Since the start i knew that i was a ”subjectively-objectively” bad designer (because i didn’t have the prior knowledge that would be a related diploma? Didn’t have teh talent? What was it?) I still couldn’t really grasp what i lacked. Or more like, i knew what i lacked, i just didn’t really know how to address it. And i think the more i went on, the more it showed. And the more i went on, the more i grew to hate it, or the more that love-hate relationship grew (more hate than love of course). The more branding/graphic design projects i saw, the more certain i was that i could never. And yet sometimes they gave me this little spark of hope that maybe, just maybe, i might create something just like it - just not in a professional setting. I hate how my brain works - i can excel, but not professionally. Where money comes into the playing field i just stop, freeze. Suddenly i don’t know how to design anymore. I’m not sure anxiety plays a part in this but if it does i won’t be surprised. There’s always this feeling of “what if it’s bad? What if they don’t like it?”. I know…negative thought patterns, etc. But i can’t fight these thoughts. They’re something like waves crashing onto a sandcastle almost. Too powerful, too fast, inevitable. I’ve always “managed” by just bucking up and soldiering through the thoughts, but i’m tired. I’m just so so tired and i just really feel like letting everything go and letting those waves carry me out because holding on is way too much.

Am i just burnt out?? I don’t know, I came back from a burnout like last year, is ten months in too soon to consider it a burnout? I have no idea at this point. I kind of want to resume therapy now but also…would i be able to afford it. I’m now talking in circles but this leads me to another worry which wasn’t so much in the front of my thoughts now as it was back then and it’s, financial anxiety. Never have i been so anxious about whether i can afford this and that, whether i’ll have enough money to do this and that, to live like i’m living now in the next year, let alone down the road in the future. And it scares me now more than ever because one day i’ll have to figure out whether i want to move for a relationship to a place that i’m not sure i really want to be in (where my partner is) or suck it up with a very stressful living environment and hope they move while both of us make rent (here). Either way both of them are financial stressors and it’s something that’s piling on my already never-ending plate of anxiety.

Going to end this post really abruptly (sorry, it happens sometimes) as i have to get ready for bed soon. Tomorrow is my first day back at work since catching covid (a week ago) and i’m so unprepared for picking up the slack that i caused. Covid has made an already-tired-from-anxiety me even more worn-out, and i’m terrified to know what will happen once i throw myself into work again. I can already smell the burnout from here! Oh well.

[slutforgoodliterature]

Peter Parker x Reader - One Bed...

A/N: ONE BED TROPE ONE BED TROPE ONE BED TROPE ONE BED TROPE

Warnings: smut, ONE BED TROPE (need I say more?)

“Um... I think I got the wrong room.” You hear a voice come from the door. You whirl around and see Peter scratching his neck awkwardly holding his own bag. 

You turn back around to the one, emphasis on one, bed in the hotel room. You laugh awkwardly yourself and look at Peter over your shoulder. 

“Seeing as there’s only one bed, I’d say one of us has definitely got the wrong room.” You look down at your room key and check the number on the door. 

Yep, 26. You see Peter do the same and he also has the key for 26. He sighs and gives you an apologetic smile. “I’ll go talk to Mr Stark now. He’ll sort it out.”

“I’ll come with, just in case I’m in the wrong place.” You pick your bag off the floor and cross the room to where Peter stands in the doorway. His very presence gives you butterflies, but you steel your face and look up at him expectantly. 

He clears his throat and takes a step back from you, looking over your head. He rarely meets your eyes but you try not to take it personally. You hold back a sad sigh and stare down at your bag. 

“Um, I think he’s in the suite,” of course he is, “I’ll go ask reception, you can stay here.” Peter directs and without another word, he starts walking down the hallway. 

“Ah, Peter! Where you off to, young man?” You both whip your heads around to face Tony’s voice. You find him marching jovially down the hall towards you in a white hotel bath robe. 

“Just trying to f-find you, Mr Stark.” Peter stutters, face going red. 

“Well, consider me found!” Tony laughs at himself and spreads his arms wide. In one hand is a glass of white wine. “What can I do you for?” 

“We’re just wondering which of us has the wrong room? We both have the key for 26.” You explain and point at the number on the door.

“That would be because you’re both in room 26.” Tony states like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Duh.” 

“There’s only one bed!” Peter squeaks, his face even more red. You swear his ears are scarlet at this point. 

“Okay? If it’s that much of an issue, build a pillow fort, I don’t know.” Tony throws up his hands and almost sloshes his wine. “Or, be a gentleman and take the floor, Spider-Boy.” He points at Peter. 

“Are there no other rooms?” You ask pleadingly, not because you would hate to share a bed with Peter, but because you don’t know if your heart could take knowing he would rather sleep on the floor than potentially touch you.

Tony sighs and takes a long sip of his wine. “Nope, it’s tourist season in Prague and we nabbed the last few rooms. I figured the youngest should share if anyone has to. Not like I can share a bed with Banner, I’d wake up with a massive green di-”

“Okay! Image not needed, thanks!” You cry and cut him off. He laughs maniacally and spins dramatically.

“Ta ta, kiddos! See you bright and early!” He waves as he disappears around the corner. 

“You’d think a self-proclaimed billionaire would be able to afford a hotel with more rooms.” Peter mutters as he shuffled back to your shared room. 

“I can hear you, sport!” Tony’s voice drifts around the corner and you vaguely hear the words ‘character building’ before silence falls upon the two of you. 

This time, your face goes red as you both face the bed. You drop your bag on the floor and twist your fingers together.

“I’m gonna have a quick shower...” You don’t even look at him as you disappear into the bathroom, hoping a cold shower will help you calm down. 

You wash your hair and scrub yourself with the hotel soaps and conditioners. Not even freezing water will slow your heart rate. You sigh heavily and step out of the shower, wrapping yourself in a fuzzy white towel and using another one to twist your hair up. 

It’s now that you realise you left your bag outside. With all your clothes in it.

“Good one, you moron.” You mutter to yourself, 

“What’s that?” Peter calls from bedroom.

“Nothing!” Stupid super-hearing. “Just talking to myself!” Oh that’s way better.

You grit your teeth to stop yourself from saying anything else stupid. You open the door and walk timidly into the bedroom. 

Peter is sitting on the edge of the bed on his phone. As soon as you walk into the room, his head shoots up and he stares at you with wide eyes. 

“Oh!” His eyes rake your towel-clad body and his face goes pink again. You grimace awkwardly and pull down the bottom of the towel to try and cover up more but it pulls down the fabric around your chest. 

You clutch the fabric desperately and cuss. He closes his mouth closed with a snap and looks down at his hands quickly. 

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to- not that you- I mean- I didn’t see- there wasn’t anything showing... not that there’s nothing to show, just that- sorry!” He covers his face with his hands and collapses onto his back on the bed. “I’m going to stop talking now.”

You’re not quite sure what to make of his rambling, but you’re sure your face is just as red as his. “Sorry, didn’t mean to freak you out.” You swallow the ball in your throat and cross the room, avoiding looking in his direction. “I’m just going to get my bag.” 

You scurry back into the bathroom, bag in tow, and shut the door louder than you meant to. As you brush your hair and clean your teeth, you repeat the last few minutes in your head. His wide eyes, his slack mouth, his words:

Not that there’s nothing to show...

You were definitely overthinking this. That didn’t mean anything. Plus, he has made it quite obvious that he’s got no interest in you.

Sure, you guys are friends. It’s impossible not to be his friend. And he hangs out with you a lot. It helps that you guys were the same age. But he also avoids physical contact with you like you have the plague. 

You pull on your pyjamas, a white oversized top and plaid pyjama shorts. You eye yourself in the mirror, thoroughly unimpressed at what you see, before tip toeing back into the room. Peter is standing next to the bed, in his own plaid pyjama pants and white top, waiting nervously for you to arrive. In his hand is his own toothbrush and a single pillow. 

“Um, I’m just gonna brush my teeth and then I can sleep on the floor-” He starts but you cut him off. 

“You really don’t have to do that, Peter.” You stand on the opposite side of the bed and you both avoid eye contact. 

“It’s really okay.” He promises, but the hardwood floor under your feet is freezing, and you’re even getting cold just standing there. The quilt is calling your name. 

“Peter, it’s freezing. If you’re trying to be chivalrous, don’t worry about it. I really don’t mind.” You lift the cover up and start to get comfy before freezing and looking up at him from under your lashes. “Unless... you don’t feel comfortable sharing with me.” His eyes are on your bare legs but he quickly looks away once he notices you looking at him.

“Y/N-” He starts but you cut him off. 

“I won’t be offended, Peter. Really.” You promise him and he meets your eyes earnestly. 

“Me? Uncomfortable?” He raises his eyebrows and points at his own chest. “I was worried about you being uncomfortable.” 

You huff a laugh. “I’m fine with it, Peter. Seriously!” You say in earnest when you see his incredulous face. “We can even build a wall out of pillows if you want.” 

He turns his nose up. “I don’t wanna give Stark the satisfaction.” You both laugh and the tension eases somewhat. 

That is, until, he comes back from brushing his teeth and slides into bed next to you. You’re facing the opposite wall and sleeping on the very edge of the bed, and you can tell he’s doing the same. 

But the bed is small and you can still feel his body heat radiating onto your back. You take a shaky breath, knowing that with him so close to you, you’re not going to be sleeping very well. 

The butterflies are like wasps in your stomach. All you can hear is his breathing, and you might be delusional, but it sounds as shaky as yours. 

“Night, Y/N.” He whispers in a gravelly voice. 

“Night, Peter.” You whisper back and shut your eyes, hoping in vain that sleep finds you fast and this awkward night can end. 

You’re not sure when you fall asleep. One minute, you’re freezing cold and staring at the wall. The next minute, you’re struggling to breath and staring at an arm under your head. 

And it’s hot. 

As you come to your senses, you realise that you’ve ended up on your stomach and Peter is quite literally lying on top of you. One hand is tucked around your waist, his hand resting between your ribs and the mattress. His other arm is under your head, your new pillow apparently. And something hard is pressing into your hip...

You suck in a breath, your heart instantly racing. His breath brushes across your hair, your head tucked under his chin. 

You don’t wanna wake him in case he freaks out and how close he is to you, but at the same time, your arm that is stuck under your torso is completely numb, and the leg he has tucked under his own is full of pins and needles. 

You try to move as slowly and softly as possible, but you should have known that with Peter’s spidey-senses, that was never an option. 

He wakes with a deep inhale, his arms momentarily tightening around you before he freezes completely. You wait a couple of seconds for him to say something, but it stays silent.

“Morning.” You whisper. He doesn’t move an inch. 

“Um...” his morning voice is deep and gravelly and shoots sparks down your spine, straight to between your thighs. The hot length pressing into your hip doesn’t do anything for your senses. 

“I’m just trying to move my arm...” You explain, wriggling around to try and free your arm. As you move to pull your arm out, your ass pushes up against his erection and he inhales sharply, his arm that was around your waist suddenly grips your hips roughly. 

“Don’t move.” He says quietly in that sinful gravelly voice. You freeze immediately. For five painful seconds, you both just lie there. You feel the length, which is now pressing against your ass, getting harder. 

You swallow loudly. “Peter?” You ask into the darkness. He inhales shakily and begins to loosen his grip on your hips.

“Y/N... I... I am so sorry.” He whispers, starting to pull away from you. “I have no idea what came over me-”

“I don’t mind.” You say quickly. He stops in his tracks. “I mean... I’m not uncomfortable, if that’s what you’re worried about.” You don’t dare move a muscle. 

“You don’t mind?” He asks softly, still frozen. 

“Not one bit.” You lick your lips nervously. “Plus, it was getting really cold. The heat is kinda nice.” You admit.

 He exhales slowly and carefully, cautiously, curls his body back around you. “The heat is nice.” He agrees, resting his chin on the top of your head again. You hum in agreement and snuggle closer to him. Your hips rock back into him accidentally, and he inhales sharply. 

“Um-” He starts, shifting his hips away from you. “I’m sorry about that...” You grab the arm around your waist and it stops him again. 

“I’m not uncomfortable.” You assure him.

“You promise?” He asks. You turn your head towards him and he lifts his head off the pillow the look down at you. 

“I promise.” You whisper, trying (and failing) not to look at his lips. He studies your face intently, the dark making it a bit hard to see, but he’s so close you could count the freckles on his nose. 

He nods once and you both settle back into your spooning position. The hand around you waist tightens and pulls you back against him. Your heart begins racing and your stomach churns in anticipation. 

His fingers trace circles on your stomach over the fabric of your shirt and it’s driving you insane. There’s no way he doesn’t know what he’s doing, right??

His head shifts so his lips are at your ear. “Your heart is racing.” He whispers, his breath raising goosebumps along the back of your neck. 

“Really?” You ask breathily, knowing damn well what the answer is. 

“Mhm.” He hums and begins tapping his fingers on your stomach to the beat of your heart. Yep, it was fast alright. “Do I make you nervous, Y/N?”

You laugh shakily. “A bit.” 

“But you’re not uncomfortable?” He double checks. 

“Not at all.” His fingers speed up with your heartbeat.

He hums thoughtfully.

“Are you uncomfortable?” You ask. 

“In a way.” He laughs, his breath ghosting over the shell of your ear. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t-” You try to untangle yourself from him but this time, it’s his turn to hold you in place. 

“Not for the reason you’re thinking.” His grip falls on a bit of your exposed waist, his fingers digging into your skin.

“I don’t understand.” You breath.

After a few seconds of silence, he finally answers. “Can I show you what I mean?” 

“What?” Heat rushes between your thighs. 

“Just tell me to stop, and I promise I will. Okay?” He huffs and before you can say another word, he presses a soft kiss below your ear. Tingles shoot down your spine and you can’t stop the gasp escape your lips. 

He waits a second for you to tell him to stop, but you don’t say anything, so he continues. 

He bites down gently on your ear lobe. Instinctively, you shift your hips back against him. He inhales sharply and grinds his erection on your ass. He fists your t-shirt in his hands and he tightens his grip around your waist. 

He sucks on a spot below your ear, making you let out a tiny moan. It makes him laugh under his breath, knowing what he does to you. You grind against him again, just to show him you mean business, and he pushes right back, his hand digging into your waist.

Peter then props himself up on one elbow, leaning over you, and tugs your shirt off your shoulder. The stretched neck hole allows it to bare your skin to him. Immediately, he presses his lips to the junction of your neck and shoulder. 

You gasp again, but it quickly turns into a moan as he bites down gently on your skin. You raise your hand to grip his head behind you, tugging on his hair. He continues to thrust his hips into yours. 

Both of your breathing becomes more and more ragged as he trails kisses down to your shoulder and back up your neck, your hips moving in tandem. When you pull on his hair harder, he lets out a groan.

“Y/N...” he whispers, his voice full of need. You turn onto your back and he quickly cages you between his arms, propping himself over you. One of his legs falls between your own, his thigh dangerously close to your center. 

One of your hands in on his shoulder, the other holding his bicep. 

Fuck, he’s ripped.

He stares down at you, eyes blown out with lust, his brown hair hanging over his forehead

“I wanna kiss you.” He admits, his eyes darting to your lips.

“What’s stopping you?” You whisper, running your hands along his shoulders.

“I don’t want it to ruin our friendship. I like you too much, Y/N.” His head lowers and he rests his forehead against your own. Your breath is mingling, lips only an inch apart.

“I really like you too, nothing is going to change that.” You smile, looking intently into his eyes. “Unless you take any longer to kiss me, you loser.” You joke and he returns your smile, eyes darting to your lips again.

“My apologies, miss...” he smirks before finally pressing his lips against yours.

The kiss is soft and sweet, at first. Your lips move in a slow dance.

Slowly, your hand traces up his neck to cup the back of his neck. You pull his face against yours a little harder, needing him closer. He smirks against your lips, dropping down onto his elbows to cover your body with his own.

You can feel every muscle, every piece of his bare skin against your own. His length presses hard into your hip and you hitch your bare legs around hips to feel him even closer.

He lets out a small groan as his clothed erection rubs against your centre, covered only with your thin cotton panties. One of his hands rakes through your hair and fists is tightly. The small amount of pain that tingles through your scalp makes you gasp and it sends waves of pleasure to your core.

Your gasp allows him to slip his tongue tentatively into your mouth, and you welcome him with enthusiasm. Your tongues push against each other as he devours you, pulling you impossibly closer by your hair.

He grinds into you purposefully, his hips moving sinfully against yours. You moan as he applies perfect pressure to your clit with his hard length.

The hand that isn’t carded into your hair begins tugging roughly at your top, pushing it up your torso and baring your skin.

“I want this off.” He almost growls, and it shocks you because you’ve never heard Peter so aggressive. But goddamn, does it turn you on.

“You first.” You grin playfully, your chest heaving as you try to catch your breath following his assault on your mouth.

He quirks an eyebrow at you before kneeling between your spread legs, sitting back on his heels. He towers over you, looking down at you with complete lust. In one smooth movement, he reaches one hand behind his neck and pulls his shirt skillfully over his head, tossing it away.

He smirks down at you. “Your turn.”

You blink hard, trying to pull yourself together after that incredibly sexy undressing. With way less grace, you pull your own shirt over your head. You feel dumb, having none of the finesse, nor the incredible physique he has, but the way he looks  at your makes these feelings all but crumble.

“Holy shit, Y/N.” Peter’s jaw gapes at you as he takes you in. You blush a deep red and go to move your hands to cover yourself. He suddenly leans back over you and pins your wrists to the bed, stopping you in your tracks. You gasp.

“Nuh uh. You’re beautiful.” He says earnestly. “Honestly, beautiful isn’t enough. I can’t think of a strong enough word to describe you.” He presses his lips to yours and you’re thankful he doesn’t wait for you to reply because you’re honestly speechless. 

“I-” you start when he pulls away but he silences you again with his lips. You moan into his mouth, flexing your wrists but he doesn’t budge. 

“If you’re just going to argue with me, I’m not letting you talk.” He murmurs against your lips. 

“I just wanted to say thank you.” You shoot back, totally lying. He smiles and goes in for a deep kiss, his tongue dancing with your own. 

“Sure you did.” He smirks again. He lets go of your hands and one hand props himself over you whilst the cups your waist. His thumb runs along your underboob, raising goosebumps in its wake. 

His hips grind back against yours and your instantly putty in his hands again, all feelings of inadequacy forgotten. 

“Fuck, Peter.” You cuss, circling his waist with your legs and pushing your hands through his hair. His lips leave yours to start trailing along your jaw. He nips at your earlobe for the second time that night and your back arches off the bed. 

After he realises how this makes you react, he goes ham. Tugging at your lobe with his teeth, sucking harsh on the skin right below your ear... it’s heaven. He drinks you in like a man who hasn’t had water in days. 

Peter begins kissing down your neck and along your collar bones, leaving dark hickeys on his way to your breasts. 

“Is this okay?” He looks up at you with glazed eyes, his hair wild from your tugging and his lips pink and plump. 

You nod eagerly, not trusting your voice to remain steady. He grins at your response and dips his head down to place a sloppy kiss on the peak of your breast. You arch your back, pushing your chest up towards him. He takes this as a sign to go for it and quickly places his mouth over your nipple, kissing it lightly. 

You let out a loud moan, egging him on. His hand begins to knead your other breast as he sucks and nibbles at your bud, making it stiffen. Once he deems it to be enough, he swaps breasts, giving the game treatment to the other. 

The whole time, you’re squirming under him and letting out breathy moans in between muttering his name. 

“Shit, Peter.” You swear, tugging at his hair to bring him back up to your lips. “I didn’t expect you to be so...” 

“Godlike?” He jokes, but you can tell it means a lot to him for you to be praising him. 

You nod and let out a small laugh, tracing your hands along his abs and feeling his muscles clench under your fingertips. He lets out a shaky breath as you near his waistband.

“Contrary to popular belief, I’m not actually a massive virgin.” He chuckles as he traces your breasts with his long fingers, watching your skin goose-pimple in satisfaction. 

“Could’ve fooled me.” You smirk, toying with the string of his pants. 

“Oh yeah?” He laughs, but his breath is unsteady and his muscles are clenched.  

You hum, pressing kisses along his jaw and neck, leaving a few hickeys of your own. He hisses and grips your waist hard as you suck on his sensitive skin. 

You begin to palm him through his pants and marvel at his size. He thrusts into your hand, swearing. 

“Fuck, baby.” He searches for your lips. 

“Baby?” You whip your head back and quirk an eyebrow at him, not stopping your ministrations. 

“Sorry, just slipped out.” He winces. “Do you not like it?”

“I don’t mind it.” You shrug coyly, which was a total lie. It turned you on that much more. 

You finally slip your hand into his pants and grip his sizeable erection. He kisses you in desperation, keeping his hips as still as possible to let you have control.

The hand that cups your waist begins trailing down your hip and runs along your leg, which is still around his waist. He squeezes the flesh on your hips roughly before slowly tracing his fingers along the waistband of your panties, just like you did to him.

You slowly pump him with your hand, which wraps tightly around his girth, making him groan. He’s not exactly super thick, but he more than makes up for it in length. 

He looks at you for, silently asking for your approval, and he respond by kissing him. He sighs into your mouth and runs a finger along your seam, over the top of your panties. You gasp and try to shift your hips into his hand as the soft pressure he’s applying is driving you insane. 

“Patience, baby.” He laughs against your lips, softly circling your clit from over the material. 

“I need more, Peter. Please.” You keen and he relents, tugging your panties down your legs in one smooth motion. 

“You’re relentless.” He grinds his erection, which is harder than it has ever been, onto your exposed center. The only thing separating you two are his pyjama pants, which are damp with his precum. “What do you wanna do, Y/N?”

“I want you, Peter.” You look up at him with begging eyes, trying to reach his lips, but he keeps his head out of your reach. “Please, Peter, I need you to fuck me. Now.” 

His eyes widen infinitesimally, and with a groan of his own, he meets your lips in a scorching kiss. You wrap your arms around his neck and pull him as close as possible, your bare skin burning where it meets his. He pushes his pants down his legs and shakes them off. 

Finally, the two of you are both naked. You gaps into each others mouths as your hips meet with nothing separating them. The head of his member pushing between your folds and collecting moisture, slicking it. 

“You’re so wet, baby.” He says against your lips.

“That’s what you do to me, Peter.” Your breath hitches and he grinds against you again. 

You’re thinking that you might just kill him if he doesn’t quit teasing you, but thankfully he pushes himself up on his hands and stares down at you intensely.

“You sure about this?” He questions. 

“I’ve never been more sure about anything.” You say back, cupping his face. You share a tender moment, which is broken by your load moan as he rubs the tip of his dick along your folds. 

“Shit, I gotta get a condom.” He swears but you grip his wrist that’s near your entrance. 

“I’m on the pill. And I’m clean.” You swear he nearly jumps in joy. 

“Thank god.” He guides his tip to your entrance and rests his forehead against yours. 

“You’re incredible.” He says in awe, and before you can answer, he begins slowly pushing into you.

The feeling of him first entering you is indescribably amazing. You stretch to accomodate his larger-than-average length, your eyes creased and your breathing hitched. You fingernails leave crescent marks in the meat of his shoulders. He cusses as he eases slowly into you and bottoms out. 

“Fuck, baby, you’re so tight.” He studies your face intently, looking for any sign on pain or discomfort. “You okay?” 

“You’re just... bigger than I’ve had before.” You breath heavily. You can basically hear his smirk so you add: “Don’t let that get to your head, Parker.” 

“Too late.” He presses soft kisses around your face, giving you a minute. “Can I move now?” He asks timidly, not wanting to hurt you. 

“Please.” You nod, catching his lips in a kiss.

Peter draws his hips back out and thrusts back in, slowly, but forcefully. Your eyes rolls back at how good it feels. He reaches a place in you that you didn’t even know was possible. 

His hand cups your face gently, stroking your cheek as you adjust to his size. After a few strokes, the sting of pain is replaced by an overwhelming throb of pleasure. 

“Fuck...” You curse loudly and he swallows your moans with his lips. “You feel so good inside me.” 

He whimpers in response to your words, thrusting in a little harder. You let out another obscene moan.

He kisses you, the both of you moaning against the others lips. You tighten your legs around his waist and pull him in faster. 

“Faster, Peter. Please.” You beg, tugging at his hair. He growls in response and speeds up. The only sounds in the room is the slapping of your skin and your combined panting.

You can feel every ridge of his member as he continues to thrust into you hard and fast, followed by a slow, torturous pull out. The dichotomy only adds to the ball of pleasure that’s growing between your legs. 

“You feel so good, baby.” He says between kisses. He continues to pump into you, his hips circling deliciously. 

You can feel your legs beginning to shake as a wave of pure pleasure threatens to pull you under. 

“Peter, I-” You gasp at one particularly deep thrust. It hit a spot in you that send sparks flying up your spine and made your toes curl. “Fuck, just there.” 

His eyes narrow in concentration and he tries to find that spot again. He grips your legs behind your knees and pushes your legs up to hang over his broad shoulders. The new angle allows him to hit that spot over and over and over until you can barely see. 

“I’m gonna-” you moan, your head thrown back against the pillows, “You’re gonna make me cum, Peter.” You reach a hand up and scratch down his abs, drawing a high-pitched whine from him. 

“C’mon baby, I wanna see you cum for me.” He begs, keeping his face consistent but you can tell it’s taking effort for him to not speed up. 

The ball of energy in the pit of your stomach continues to grow until you can feel it spreading through your limbs. 

“Faster Peter, I’m close.” Your eyes scrunch up and your hand grips his wrist next to your head so he doesn’t push you up the bed with his intense thrusts.

He speeds up and you can tell he’s close as well by the way his breathing is hard and his pace becomes erratic. 

“Fuck, so am I, baby.” He pushes your legs up next to your head and leans between them to kiss you urgently. You’re folded almost in half but any twinges that might possibly be felt are completely overshadowed by the toe-curling pleasure Peter is giving you right now.

“Come with me, please.” You beg, tearing your eyes open to make eye contact with him. He looks at you with completely lust-blown eyes and it pushes you over the edge.

“Go on, baby.” He groans and you feel the rubberband inside of you snap, sending you spiralling into space. You see stars behind your eyes and you cry out loudly as he drops a hand to start circling your clit, pulling you through a vortex of pleasure. 

He silences you with a kiss, his thrusts becoming manic as he reaches his own high. Chanting your name like a prayer, Peter finally peaks, the feeling of your pussy tightening around him way pulling him into his own tsunami of pleasure. 

His fingers stop circling your clit as you scrabble at his wrists, trying to make the overwhelming pleasure cease. Even so, he continues to piston inside of you, making your legs shake and your toes curl. 

“Peter... Peter...” you whisper against his lips, feeling him fill you up. You rub his back as he comes down, his thrusts becoming sloppier and slower. 

“Holy fuck.” He gasps, resting his forehead against yours, one of his hands caressing your cheek. 

“That was.. fucking incredible.” You sigh, kissing him softly. 

“You’re incredible.” He corrects, not yet pulling out of you. 

“I thought you said we weren’t gonna argue about this?” You murmur, your body feeling like jello. He laughs and finally pulls out of you. You suddenly feel empty, and cold. 

“C’mon, let’s get you into a shower.” He says and pulls you up by your hand. You slump against him and he picks you up with ease and carries you to the bathroom. 

“Are you joining me?” You mutter, head in the crook of his neck. 

“If-If you want.” He stutters. 

“Why wouldn’t I?” You ask, dazed. 

He freezes. “I just didn’t know if that was gonna be a one-time thing. You know, for the sake of body heat and all that.” 

“I thought I made it pretty obvious how much I liked you, Peter. I don’t want this to be a one time thing.” You pout at him, but he avoids your eyes. “Unless that’s what you want, then...” You try to wriggle out of his grasp  but your legs don’t have any strength to hold you up. He catches you as you’re halfway to the floor. 

“Y/N... no. Just no.” He sits you on the edge of the bath and kneels in front of you. “Sorry, I’m just not good at talking.”

He cups your face delicately and looks at you with what you could only call adoration. 

“I like you too, this will not be a one time thing. Okay?” You nod once. “Good now let’s get in the shower, I’m freezing my ass off.”

You smile to yourself as he helps you up. You catch him smiling as well and the two of you lean in for another kiss.

fin

[wri0thesley]

Hello Nat! It's me! The same anon who sent the Househusband Risotto asks a few weeks ago. Could I request a fic of Risotto with no.21(a Househusband au) and some pregnancy fluff? Congrats on 5k (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

brand new - risotto x reader

you have something to tell your husband. 

warnings: soft fluff, sfw. afab reader, no pronouns. pregnancy, talk of children, brief allusions to risotto’s past life. 

You’re surprised by just how easily Risotto falls into a domestic life.

You’d thought that his past would haunt him more; the fallen comrades, the Mafia business, the blood on his hands – but he’s surprisingly pragmatic about it, when you hesitantly bring it up.

“It happened,” he says. “I miss them. But I’ve been given a chance that they didn’t get, and I intend to take it.”

It’s more than your stoic, quiet husband usually says at once, and you feel it pierce your heart like an arrow. Your hand brushes over his broad shoulder in as much comfort as you can give him, and Risotto looks at you with the lightest smile on his lips that makes you feel like the luckiest person in the whole universe.

Risotto becomes the house-husband as if he’s been waiting to be able to do it for his whole life.

Oh, he makes some mistakes – some little things, like washing a pair of your red underwear in with some shirts that you wear for work. Planting the wrong kind of seedlings at the wrong time of year – trying to fix the plumbing himself instead of calling a plumber.

You two muddle along, but as a whole Risotto seems to be thriving, and that makes your heart leap in your chest like a prima ballerina.

Your heart thumps double when you come home after a long day of work and he already has dinner simmering on the stove, an apron wrapped around his broad frame – it’s emblazoned with the legend; “Hot Stuff Coming Through (and I don’t mean the food)”. You breathe in the scent of his cooking; something deep and rich.

You come up behind him and wrap your arms about him, resting your cheek on the centre of his back.

His muscle has gone a little soft now that he’s not working out so often or in as many life-or-death situations, but he’s still broad and amazing and perfect for holding onto.

“Smells great,” you say, sighing, kicking off your heels in kitchen to be put away later. Risotto’s eyes stray to them all higgledy-piggledy on the floor, and he frowns;

“Nonna’s recipe,” he says. “Aren’t you going to put those in the shoe rack?”

“I’ve only just gotten home,” you pout at him, but your pout quickly breaks into a smile as you see the exhaustedly fond expression on his face.

Now that he’s not an assassin – now that he doesn’t need to hide everything he’s feeling under the guise of being cool and cold and collected – Risotto’s face seems to move more. He finds it easier to express his emotions. It’s still little things; twitches and furrows, instead of his entire face transforming – but it’s more than before.

He’s comfortable. He’s happy.

You, and him, and the little world that you’ve build all around you two.

You bend over to pick up your heels, opening your mouth to say something over-dramatic about his newfound house pride – but you’re stopped by an ache that shoots down to the centre of your back, a noise of pain escaping you before Risotto can turn lightning quick and wrap a strong arm around you.

“Are you alright?” He’s asking, brow creasing slightly in concern. Panic flares in your stomach – you don’t want to tell him like this.

“Y-yeah,” you laugh it off, straightening up with your shoes in your hand, the other going to massage your back where you can reach. “Guess I was just sat in the wrong position at work for too long, huh?”

Risotto looks sceptical, but he can’t leave his boiling pots for too long. With a searching look at you, he returns to the stove, murmuring low;

“I’ll give you a massage later.”

You smile at his back as you walk towards the shoe rack in the hallway. You know that saying that will have made him blush; despite how long the two of you have been married now, he’s still nervous about things like that. His hands still shake a little when he goes to hold you. He still licks his lips before he kisses you, murmuring in a deep voice;

“Is it really alright?”

You always wind your arms around his neck and pull him in as your way of reassuring him that it’s perfectly fine. It’s hard, you think, for him to accept that he deserves all of this – but you’re eternally glad that the two of you get to share it together.

Little reminders of your shared home and life are scattered all about your home. A picture of you and Risotto at your wedding, framed and hung in the hallway; his suit is a little too tight, because he left it too long and it couldn’t be tailored properly to address the fact that he’s built like a superhero.

A bookshelf that has your romantic novels next to his own gothic horrors; a skull candle that burns red from its eyes as it melts perched on top. Also perched on top is a trinket dish that he made and painted for you at a pottery class he attended to try and get him out of the house whilst you were at work – you use it to dump your keys in.

It’s supposed to be a heart shape, but it’s more of a very uneven kidney.

The carpet you two had chosen together; you’d wanted something cheaper, but Risotto had insisted you could afford this one – he’d been right, and it’s soft beneath your stockinged feet.

You love him so much.

Your hand cups your stomach protectively now that you’re out of Risotto’s sight. You think of the tiny life inside of you; half Risotto, half you, already loved more than they’ll ever know even without Risotto knowing that it’s there. You can’t wait to tell him.

His hands are gentle on your shoulders, big and warm and softer than they once were. They’re still a little calloused from the garden work he enjoys doing, but he no longer handles weapons and you buy him sandalwood-scented hand cream instead.

They feel so good as they slide down your shoulder blades, brushing the notches of your spine, soothing circles pressed into your skin with his thumb. You sigh, relaxing into him. The feel of the palm flat against the small of your back – where the ache is the most pronounced – makes you relax even further into him, toes curling, a sigh escaping your mouth of relief.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” He asks you, his voice measured. Your eyes flicker open from where they’ve closed in comfort.

“W-what’s wrong?” You ask him, nervously, and Risotto makes an ‘mm’ noise in the back of his throat. His hands do not stop the massage as he goes.

“You’ve been out of it for days,” he tells you.

(He’s right. You’ve been out of it since Monday, and it’s now Thursday; Monday is the day you’d woken up with your stomach heaving, remembered how long it had been since your last period, and bought a pregnancy test on your way to work. You’ve done three more since then, and all of them have showed the exact same result.)

“Have I?”

His hands move to your shoulders, gently twisting you around.

“You have,” he says, his red-and-dark eyes fixed firmly on you. “If there’s something wrong, I’d like to fix it.”

“It’s nothing you’ve done!” You say, all in a rush, but Risotto has successfully caught you nonetheless; his eyes narrow.

“So it is something?”

Heat rushes to your face. You forget, sometimes, because he cooks dinner and does the gardening and goes to his pottery class, that he was a battle-hardened mafia assassin who has done more interrogations than you will probably ever know (you never bring up his former employ unless he brings it up first). He’s an expert at gently needling the truth out of people.

“It’s not something that’s wrong,” you say, weakly, but his eyes are still pinning you in place.

“Tell me,” is all he says.

You think, in the back of your head, you’d had some kind of grand plans to reveal your secret – maybe involving balloons, and a cake, and a little party hat perched on top of Risotto’s silvery pale hair. You think you wanted to make a big deal out of it; one more reminder that the world he left behind is well and truly in his past now. But now you’re on the bed with him and he’s looking at you so tenderly in a soft grey shirt for sleeping and a pair of loose boxer shorts, all ruffled and sleepy and domestic . . . Now feels like a good time too.

“I’m pregnant,” you tell him.

You swear that you could hear a pin drop.

He blinks at you, as if he can’t properly process the statement.

“You’re—”

“We’re having a baby.”

“Oh my God.” His voice is very small. He reaches out, hesitantly, eyes wide – big hand hovering over your stomach. “Can I . . .?”

“Yes,” you say, breathless as his hand rests on it. It’s not curving, yet; the fancy test you’d bought today and done in the bathroom at work had said it thought you were well past three weeks, but that’s still early days. Your eyes stare down at Risotto’s scarred, huge fingers – so careful with you, despite what he’s had to do to survive.

“I can’t believe it,” he tells you, and your throat feels tight.

“Me neither,” you admit. “But . . . I’m happy.”

He meets your eyes. There are tears brimming in his – you have never seen Risotto Nero cry. You’ve seen him sad, of course (a sad downturn to his mouth when a dog dies in a movie, or when the rosebush he’d been carefully cultivating had failed to achieve a single bloom) – but there’s an actual tear rolling down his cheek, sparkling in the bedroom light.

“Me too,” he says, and it seems entirely natural. Entirely true. Your heart aches with how much you love him.

You two don’t say anything for a few minutes, content to just look at each other, the warm knowledge of what you’re sharing making the air seem hazy and unreal.

You think about the pitter patter of little feet. The spare room you can turn into a nursery. Going to pre-natal classes with Risotto, choosing baby clothes, seeing him out and about pushing a fancy perambulator (you’ve always wanted one of those tacky, over the top ones that look like a Victorian nanny’s contraption, and you know that Risotto will agree to it--).

You think about him in the delivery room, your nails making crescent moon cuts in his palm. You think about his encouraging tone; you think about the hand-grown flowers he’ll no doubt bring you.

You imagine him cradling a little bundle of joy; tiny in his huge arms. His lips leaving gentle kisses on tiny foreheads. Him reading to your baby, him tending to scrapes, him and you and your child and the life that neither of you ever thought you’d get to live together.

His face is shining, fully transformed. He sees you looking at him with droplets shimmering in your tear ducts and he wipes them away with one big, warm thumb.

“I know,” he says. “It’s not just for me. It’s for all of them, too.”

“Yes,” you say to him. Your voice breaks, pitches, as you manage to get out: “I’m so happy we get to spend the rest of our lives together.”

He looks at you, so tender you feel like you’ll come apart under his gaze.

This moment is going to shimmer in your memory forever, you think. You’re glad that this was how the reveal went. This is much more like the two of you than any fancy reveal or ribbon or cake (you might still get a cake, anyway – Risotto has a sweet tooth).

“I love you,” he says, like warmth that wraps about your heart. And then; “What about naming it Formaggio?”

There’s a beat. You stare at him.

Both of your mouths stretch into a smile, a soft huff of laughter escaping his lips that makes you feel like you’re listening to a symphony.

“Maybe we should workshop names a bit more,” you tell him.

He agrees.

[uitzinnigmp3]

hello all! so i’ve been making gifs on my sad little ipad air 2 for almost 2 years now, and i’ve learned quite a lot in those times, often through trial and error. i know there’s lots of people out there wanting to learn how to gif, but not being able to afford a laptop, or not being able to download photoshop, etc. so i thought i’d share what i’d learned about giffing on iOS devices! note: i don’t have and have never had an iphone, so i am not certain about what works for them, but i guess that anything which works on an ipad, will also work on an iphone! so with that said, let’s get into it :)

this is going to be quite a long and image-heavy tutorial, so i’ve put the rest under a read-more :)

you will need:

an iOS device (not sure how this works on all devices, but i think as long as it’s still receiving software updates, you’ll be fine!)

app: inshot

app: vont

optional: a VPN

youtube app or download folders (will be explained!)

these are all the steps i go through when making a gif and the apps/websites i use for them. in this post, i’ll be explaining all of them:

choose & download video (youtube/mega/gdrive)

trim & crop video (photos app)

colour & overlay (inshot)

text (optional) (vont)

convert video to gif (ezgif)

resize (optional) (ezgif)

post! (tumblr site)

without further ado, let’s get into it!

1. CHOOSING AND DOWNLOADING THE VIDEO

there are two ways to find and download a video to gif: through youtube or through download links like mega or google drive. here, i’ll be explaining both of them.

1.1. downloading via youtube

first, find the video that you want to gif. always make sure the quality is high enough! 1080p is the best, and you should always try to find it. 720p is also doable but really the minimum, anything below that is basically not worth it. 

copy the link of the video you want to gif, then go to https://yt1s.com/en130 to download it. (you may need an adblocker to block the popups, but clicking them away works as well, for the rest the site is super clean!)

paste the link into “search or paste youtube link here” and press convert, then in the drop down menu, select the highest quality possible (preferably 1080p, as said before). 

press “get link” and then press “download”. a popup will appear, asking you to press download again. if you press this, an arrow symbol will appear next to the search bar at the top. press this symbol, select the video, then press the “send” symbol and choose “save video”. the video is now saved to the photos app!

1.2. downloading via download folder

download folders work in a pretty similar way to downloading youtube videos, the hardest part is just finding the folders! for this, i recommend either asking some friends or mutuals (especially if they make high quality gifs – very likely that they’ll have some hq torrented shows or movies) or look around on several download or logoless twitters, like downloadinhd, logolessdesires or logolesspro. these accounts do often compress the files, so the quality might be a bit lower than it should be, but it’s definitely better than nothing! 

both mega and google drive folders work basically the same way: select the file you need and find a download button somewhere. after this, it’s basically the same steps as the last part – find the video in the download part next to the search bar and save to photos.

TIP: if mega stops you from downloading because you’ve exceeded the download limit, you can use a vpn to mask your IP address! some free ones are windscribe, justvpn and urbanvpn, but if you have some money to spare, there’s excellent paid ones like expressvpn, surfshark or freedome.

2. TRIMMING AND CROPPING VIDEOS

we’ve found all the episodes or videos we want to gif! cool, now it’s time to find all individual scenes so that we can start editing. to trim and crop the videos, you don’t need a new app, this can just be done in the normal photos app! 

if you already have an exact scene in mind, you can just go to that timestamp immediately, but if you’re still not sure, just scroll through the video to find some good ones. to trim the video down to the scene that you want, use the edit function and move the arrows at both sides of the video to the exact start and end point of your scene. if you want to be more accurate, press and hold the arrows to lower the timespan that they are editing at that moment. 

after you’ve trimmed the scene you want, go to the cropping setting and choose a predetermined ratio to crop the video in – this way, all the gifs you crop will be the same size. i usually use 9:16, 4:5 or 3:4, but anything works!

3. EDITING (COLOURING/OVERLAY) editing!

now we’ve done the boring stuff, we can start having fun !! we’re gonna start colouring the video now and optionally adding an overlay, which we’re going to do with the app “inshot”, which you can download just from the app store! this app has a pro-version which unlocks some of the editing options and removes ads but it works just fine without – i would only consider buying it to remove the ads but just putting your device in airplane mode fixes that as well, so it’s not really worth it imo! this app does both editing and overlays, so i’ll be explaining how both of those work. 

first, start by pressing “create new video” and choosing the clip you just trimmed and cropped.

3.1. editing and colouring the video

all actions to edit the video can be found at the bottom. first, start with slowing down the video to about 80-60% of the original speed, it looks much smoother and nicer in a gifset! 

after this, you can start colouring, by going to filter > adjust at the bottom. this gives you a new set of actions to use. 

first, put up the sharpness to about 20-30, depending on what looks best. don’t go much higher than this though, it won’t look great lmao.

then play around with the brightness, contrast and saturation. you can do a lot with these already: to make a black and white gif, for example, turn down the saturation completely and up the brightness and contrast a bit, it’ll look great already! if you’re not satisfied yet, though, don’t worry, all will be fixed in the next step.

we’re getting to curves now! they are the best thing in this app and pretty good for a photoshop replacement as far as i know. for this part, i can’t really tell you how to do it, you’ve just gotta play around with it for a while and get a feel for it! it takes some time, but practice definitely pays off.

3.2. adding an overlay

to add another video to the video you’re editing, press the “PIP” (picture in picture) action in the main menu. choose the video you want to insert and also slow this down to about 80-60% of the original speed. try to make sure both videos are about the same length, so you won’t have to trim it down again after you’re done. 

after this, size the video and move it to where you want it, then use the “mask” function to make sure only the part of the video that you want to see is shown. dragging the little symbol at the edge (shown below) lets you “blend” the edge of the video so it’s less of a line, more of a gradual transition

optional: you can also use the blend function on the PIP video to make it blend with the base vid! it doesn’t always look nice but there’s loads of different options to work with.

once you’ve positioned, masked and blended the video how you like it, you can edit it in the same way as the base video! once again, choose filter > adjust and follow the same steps used for the other video.

once you’re satisfied with the entire video, press the “send” icon at the top right, make sure the resolution is set to 1080p, and save! now you’re done colouring, it’s time for the next part (which is optional but very fun): adding text to your video.

4. ADDING TEXT

this is my favourite part! for adding text to your gifs, download the vont app from the app store. once again, this app has a pro version, but unless you really need to add more than 4 textboxes per gif, the free version works fine! the ad problem can again be fixed by just putting your device in airplane mode, and even the four textboxes per gif problem can be worked around by clever placements and multiple sentences in one box. now, let’s start!

open the app and press the video icon at the bottom, then choose “load new video” and select the video you edited in the previous step

press anywhere on the video; a pop-up saying “add text” will appear. press this and type the text you want in the textbox that pops up

choose the font you want in the “font” menu - there are not going to be any fonts in the “my fonts” section when you start, these can be downloaded from various font packs readily available on tumblr (i recommend checking @fontarchive out for something to start with! if you would like more, feel free to hmu, i am sure i have some links laying around)

to download a font, get a dropbox link or any other link, press a download button somewhere on the page and it will be saved to the “files” app

to add the font to the vont app, find the font in your downloads, open the file, press the send icon at the top and then choose “open with vont”

the app will give you a button saying “add to vont”, press this button and you’re done!

change the size of the text with the “size” button, then slide it around or use the “move” option to position it to where you want it (tip: use “layout” to get a text to be positioned exactly in the middle)

you can tilt the text as well, and curve it to form a circle if you want (make sure to swipe the actions menu, the curve option will show up!)

use the “style” option to change the colour, drop shadow, stroke, background, spacing and blending option of the text (another tip: always add a drop shadow to the text! it makes it so much easier to read, and if you change its colour, it can be part of the colouring of the set as well)

when you’re done, press the send icon in the bottom right corner. first, press “save project” – this will save your progress in the app itself, so that if you notice something wrong after you’ve saved the video, you can always go back to change it. after that, press save video, and the video with text will be saved to the photos app!

5. CONVERTING TO GIF

now we’re done with the fun parts sadly, here comes the tedious part lmao: converting videos to gifs! this is one of the last parts, we’re almost there :)

open the website https://ezgif.com/ and go to the “video to GIF” tab in the header

upload your gif in the “Select video from your computer” box (then press “upload video”)

under the video, there is a drop-down menu to choose the size. now this depends on what size your gif is going to be in the gifset, but if you want only one gif per row, choose the 540xAUTO option (this also has “for tumblr” behind it, so it’s easy to find slfjdslk) if you are going for more gifs per row, just leave the setting as is, we will fix this next

under that is the frame rate option. i usually switch between 12 and 20 FPS, depending on the size of my gif in the end (it has to be under 10Mb for tumblr to upload it to a post)

if you’ve done this, press convert to GIF and longpress the converted gif to save to your photos app!

6. RESIZING (optional)

we’re almost done, just hang in there!! now we’re going to resize the gif if needed. this is because if you want to put multiple gifs in one row, they need to be a certain size, otherwise tumblr will compress the gifs and they will show up in a much lower quality. this post shows exactly what the dimensions should be per amount of gifs per row!

to resize the gifs, you can stay on ezgif, but this time choose the tab at the top that says “resize”

upload the gif in the “upload image from your computer” box

fill in only the width dimension (the height one is not needed!) and press “resize image”

once again longpress the resized gif to save it to your gallery

7. POSTING 

the final part! this part i also love, especially because i love editing the caption hehe, though deciding what to tag the post is not my favourite part lmao. for this part, a tumblr app is not recommended, as it does not have the different post types needed for a gifset, so we’re doing it on the website!

go to the tumblr website and log in

press the new post button and choose “photo”

upload your gifs to the post

if you have a laptop available, save the post as a draft on your apple device, and edit the caption and tags further on that laptop (it works much better!)

if you don’t, editing on mobile works fine as well, but it won’t let you add html captions (so the nice colourful gradients some people have, etc) but it’s obviously not required to do that, so this works fine as well!

tagging the post can be quite tricky, my go-to strategy is tag all the characters, ships and fandoms first, and then tag all sourceblogs that apply (some general ones are bbelcher, chewbacca etc. but there’s tons of sourceblogs for almost every fandom out there if you know how to look for them!) and lastly, tag some friends who will definitely like the post, so that they will surely see it :) it’s also smart to use a tag for your creations like mine, mygifs, *mine etc. so that you can easily find them all back!

when you’re completely satisfied with your caption and tags, press post, and.. you’re done!

i really hope i’m able to help people with this ! i spent a lot of time on this so even if you won’t use it, i would very much appreciate a signal boost <3 if anyone has any questions feel free to send me an ask or a dm, i’d be happy to answer all your questions! 

lots of love and happy giffing, sas <3