#also u can pinpoint the highs and lows of my motivation-

[thesnowflake18]

Or Toby is trolling us lol idk

(Based off the summer 2023 UTDR Newsletter!)

[laceymorganwrites]

Nsfw Alphabet: Kidd

A=Aftercare

He doesn´t really think of doing aftercare most of the time, so you have to do it. Sometimes when you can´t walk though or are sore, he´ll carry you to the bathroom and clean both of you. His aftercare is after the cleaning up part though, he will get you some Food and Drinks and then cuddle with you and stroke your hair until you fall asleep. He just sleeps better with you in his arms.

B=Body part

I´ve said this before but Kidd loves tits, he loves ass, anything he can grab. But there´s some other Body part that crawled its way into his heart: your legs and thighs. Kidd loves to bury his head there, they´re his perfect pillow and he loves to hold onto them during sex. Now on him he hates everything, he has no self esteem and all insecurities. That may Sound Rough and like a joke, but it´s true, he absolutely hates everything About himself, his Looks, his character, everything About him is awful.

C=Cum

Oof, he loves seeing his cum all over you, on your legs, your ass, your chest...everywhere but your face. He once came in your face and hit you in the eye, ever since then you just prefer to swallow his cum, which is hot too. But this inciddent is never to be mentioned again and Kidd had to work real hard to make it up to you. Now on the other Hand he absolutely loves being covered in your cum too, but his favorite way is just swallowing it and having some dripping around his mouth, he loves the taste of your cum for some weird reason.

D=Dirty secret

He´s a fucking Sub, just anything regarding this and his preferences makes him embarrassed af. Not around you of Course, but if others would find out that´s a different Story. He´s so obedient and putty in your Hands, all you have to do is call him a good Boy and this man will melt around you. (Check this post out for more)

E=Experience

Very experienced in one night stands and bad sex, not so much at serious relationships and good sex. He has low self esteem so he fucked everything willing for reassurance, most of the time that resulted in drunk sex and his Partner would be disappointed in the next morning. And in one night stands he Always used to have vanilla sex, so he´s not as experienced in all the kinks as he´d like to be. He´s quick to adapt and eager to learn though once he´s with you. You actually are the one who taught him that sex can be emotional too and the first time you had sex that was emotional in your established relationship, you were so gentle with him, you didn´t use his Body like all the others, and he was so happy in this Moment that he just stared at you and started crying. That´s your secret and nobody else knows About this. 

F=Favorite position

Bold of you to assume he can pinpoint it down to one. This man can´t choose a favorite for the life of him. Kidd loves to be top and Bottom, he loves to fuck you from behind, he loves it when you ride him, he loves grabbing you everywhere, having you tied down, having him tied down...just one type of Position would never suffice and he likes to Change it frequently during sex too.

G=Goofy

He´s totally down for Goofy and fun sex. He loves to try new Things and of Course Nothing goes perfectly the first time you try it, but he just loves seeing you laugh. Not only does it calm him down and makes him stop thinking he´s a failure for once, but he also likes to laugh along with you to break the uncomfortable Tension. He loves giggly sex even more than normal sex because he feels more loved like that and his heart just swells every time he hears you laugh.

H=Hair

He´s a lazy fuck, so he doesn´t shave. Especially since he can´t do it properly (but don´t tell him that, he´ll yell at you). So he just trims when his hair is getting in the way, but that´s About it. And the Color of his pubic hair is just a tad darker than his hair.

I=Intimacy

Kidd isn´t really your ordinary romantic, the only time he Acts remotely romantic is after he returned from an Adventure. And that only Shows in more kisses and touches that are a bit gentler. But usually he´s more Rough and dirty with you (only if you want to of Course). All of that depends on his and your mood though, if you´re into dom/Sub Play, he´s down to be either, so if you feel like a dom, he´s more than happy to be a Sub! (Here´s my post About Sub!Kidd).

J=Jerk off

He used to jerk off so much as a Teenager, he did it multiple times a day and every day too. And then his life turned to shit and he didn´t do it that much anymore. He hates it when People barge in on him, which has happened a lot before, so he has to tell everyone on the ship when he´s getting to jerk so that they won´t disturb him. That is embarrassing enough already, so he can´t really masturbate all that often anymore. And there are just times when he´s not in the mood. The only times he really jerks off now are when he´s out on sea and misses you. 

K=Kinks

I actually made a whole post dedicated to this! You can find it here.

L=Location

Kidd would fuck you everywhere, even on top of the bar when it´s rush hour. This man has no shame, you get him so horny and he hates to wait until you´re in a private place. However he agrees that a Little privacy and intimacy isn´t bad for sex, so mostly he´ll settle on teasing you in public or lowkey dry humping, anything that isn´t too obvious. You agree on semi-public sex though, in a bathroom stall etc.

M=Motivation

You never know what exactly it is with this man, everything gets him going. Just a look from you is enough to get him hard in an instance. He gets turned on when you scold him oddly enough, he just thinks it´s so hot and wants to apoligize and make it up to you real bad (he has a Thing for having sex with you in this state as you´re especially Rough to him like that). Kidd gets off on you giving orders too, they don´t even Need to be sexual. just tell Kidd to take away that Thing he´s been working on before you stumble over it, again, and he´s Ready to go.

N=No

Anything involving pain, choking, blood or other bodily fluids (though he does like to see his cum on you), anything regarding degregation and humiliation. 

O=Oral

He is such a sucker for a good blowjob, Kidd will let you do your magic and when he´s getting blown it´s the only time he shuts up. He still moans and stuff but he doesn´t talk, he just enjoys himself. You can just see the sparkle in his eyes, he´s so sensitive so you have to be a bit careful not to do too much in the beginning, you really have to build your Speed and movements up otherwise he´ll be sore and hurt when you start off jerking him real Rough. Now he absolutely loves giving oral too, you´re his favorite buffet (his words not mine). The way you´re reacting and spurring him on, the way you´re enjoying yourself, it gives his ego a huge boost. And he´s really good at oral too.

P=Pace

He can go as fast as you want him to, be that slow and Steady or Rough. It all depends on what you want. Or what he´s in the mood for. Now, he won´t take you hard and fast without preparation though because that shit hurts, he Always makes sure you´re Ready for him to Speed up.

Q=Quickie

Down for it anytime, anywhere, Ready whenever you are. That said, only actually down for it when he´s hard already as it takes him a bit to get it up sometimes. He doesn´t like to admit that though because he´s embarrassed by it.

R=Risk

His whole fucking life and everything he does or says is a Risk . All jokes aside though, he does love trying new Things in the bedroom. As Long as you´re both comfortable with it, that is. 

S=Stamina

Endless. Seriously he could go on Hours after Hours and not get tired, that it if he wasn´t tired before. But Kidd is Always tired, so he probably won´t go 20 rounds with you. Now that doesn´t mean he has no Stamina when he´s tired, Kidd can please you just as well when he´s tired.

T=Toys

He absolutely loves using toys, be that on him or you or hell, even together. Loves to go to the sex shop with you to pick your favorites. He just thinks it´s fun using toys and there are so many different ones too that it never gets boring. As explained in Wildcard, he also buildds his own sex toys but he´s wary of using them on you as he doesn´t know if they work or not.

U=Unfair

Well, Kidd likes to tease a bit, but Nothing too Major, he´s too impatient for that. He makes sure you´re well prepared though and if you ask him to tease you thoroughly, he will. But it´s just not something he himself will do without being asked. On him on the other Hand, he loves being teased. He just loves it so much whenever you´re in Control and he could cum ten times faster every time you tease him.

V=Volume

He is fucking loud. Not only can everyone on the ship hear him, but the whole damn town they´re anchored on too. He Growls, groans and yes, he moans like a fucking Girl ( don´t tell him, he´s already embarrassed by that). His moans are cute though, he just can´t Control his sounds during sex so it really varies from feral sounds to low groans to sinful moans.

W=Wildcard

He tried to suck his own dick more times than he´d like to admit. And no, not only in his teenage years. He also builds his own sex toys, whether they work or not depends. Some do, some don´t. And fuck was it awkward to explain to Killer when he came in his room after he heard Kidd´s painful screams.

X=X-Ray

Kidd will tell you he has the biggest cock out there, but let´s be real, he hasn´t. It´s average, but for a man his height it is Pretty big. He doesn´t have too many veins, but is rather on the thick side. No curves either, his dick Looks rather plain and normal in that sense, but that doesn´t mean it´s a bad Thing. He does put it to good use afterall.

Y=Yearning

Not overly high surprisingly, I mean he gets horny in the most random Moments but Overall he doesn´t have that much of a high sex drive. As a Teenager he was constantly horny, every single second of the day and he did his best to tend to his Needs, but as he grew older and People kept betraying him, as he realized how much of a shithole the world really is, his Libido went down a tad.

Z=Zzz

Kidd is out like a light after sex, sure he´ll do his aftercare when you´re in a relationship, but don´t expect too much. He doesn´t get much Sleep either way, after sex is the only time he´s exhausted enough to voluntarily Sleep, so please let this man have his Beauty Sleep. 

[altviktcrr]

『MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL ❙ NONBINARY』 ⟿ looks like VIKTOR SAMUELS is here for HIS/THEIR SENIOR year as a VISUAL ARTS student. HE/THEY are 24 years old & known to be OBSERVANT, INGENIOUS, RETICENT & DEPENDENT. They’re living in NOLAND, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ JAMES. 20. EST. SHE/THEY.

hllo ,,, again ,,, this is my last child i SWEAR ,,, at least fr now ,,, hes also the most problematic one ,,, the most dramatic ,,, one of my absolute faves ,,, pleathe love him. as always if u wish to plot please like this so i can msg u !!!

TW DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS, MENTAL ILLNESS

aesthetic.

old tvs and their static, worn tapes, horror movie screams, spilled ink, a sculptor’s hands, clay-stained, chicken scratch handwriting, messy notes, messy hair, scoffs and eye-rolls, bruised knuckles, sore throats, funeral homes and a crying preacher, shattered ceramics, knife fights, high ledges, vertically-striped pants, red lights, the moon shrouded in clouds, cigarette butts, graveyards and half-empty wine bottles, sitting there for hours and talking to nothing, about nothing, a god complex, gold rings adorning both hands, barbwire baseball bats, having never played baseball in your life, deep eyebags and broken mirrors, a permanent chip on one’s shoulder, yearning, longing, wishing.

basic info.

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - jan 2nd

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′1″

hometown: rochester, new york

sexuality: pansexual uwu

pinterest

stats

inspired by: beetlejuice (beetlejuice), sid (toy story), jack sparrow (pirates of the caribbean), francis wilkerson (malcolm in the middle), azula (avatar: the last airbender), vicky (the fairly oddparents), stu macher / billy loomis (scream), marshall lee (adventure time), bojack horseman (bojack horseman), any it’s always sunny character :/

biography.

born to mama and papa (preacher) samuels in rochester, new york - fifteen minutes after his twin sister, tatiana samuels. years later, rosa samuels joined the gang. 

was an awkward, quiet kid growing up, he didn’t interact well with others and preferred being left alone to dig up worms and draw on the walls of their childhood home. the only exception was his twin, really.

as he got older he grew out of this, but instead became like ... sort of an asshole? maybe to compensate for years of childhood awkwardness. he’s the sort of person who will bite the hand that feeds him & developed into a full time nuisance by middle school, unlike tatiana who was much more subtle about her conniving manners.

always has been a fan of ‘darker’ materials. grim & creepy morbid shit. probably the biggest tim burton fan, ever since he was a kid ... not a good look for a preacher’s son, but he never really felt ‘in’ with the rest of his family to begin with. classic black sheep syndrome.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid that probably prompted one or two or five phone calls home to assure everything was fine. 

just really had a knack for art at a young age, from drawing to painting to playing with clay. it’s always been his Thing and probably is the only thing he’s good at.

being twins with tatiana was hard. they were near opposite besides both being quite mean-spirited. tatiana handled being in public better, left a better image behind - but viktor had talent, more than she did. they loved each other deeply - y’know, those unbreakable twin bonds as cliche as it sounds - but found each other as competition for their parents’ attention. a rivalry for affection.

in high school is when viktor really started to act out. it started extreme, like losing his virginity in their church and vandalism around the neighborhoods. faked being possessed in the middle of sunday service & almost had an exorcism performed on him.

his only redeemable trait was like ... just his sheer talent in the arts. was in a 3D art AP course and specialized in sculptures. he could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because he was the problem child, the one who deserved to be disciplined for all his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with whatever she wanted much easier. on the bright-side, for her, i guess.

not a very motivated person - wasn’t planning on going to college, much less going to radcliffe but his parents literally wrote & sent his college application for him because they weren’t going to house a deadbeat but had too much heart to kick him out onto the streets. cool!

he’s actually pretty smart but he just doesn’t apply himself. has a minor in english because he didn’t care for an extra course-load, but he’s good at writing & analyzing literature. is going to use it to write and illustrate his own series of children books with a style similar to tim burton’s. not for the kids, but because he likes to leave a trail of terror in whatever he does.

has been experimenting with himself since high school but college is where he really had started to crack down on himself. was out as pansexual & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college just ... not to his parents, who don’t really need to know. 

if you asked him if he believed in twins having a psychic connection with each other - he’d tell you he wouldn’t know. it felt believable at times, but sometimes he had no idea what was going on inside of tatiana’as head. on the other hand - viktor had always felt oddly transparent to her, like she knew all of his moves before he did. the only person who could predict him accurately.

( TW DEATH, GRIEF, OVERDOSE / HOSPITALIZATION BEYOND THIS POINT )

when tatiana disappeared, viktor knew something was up. it was a twist in his gut, pure instinct that something wasn’t right. and it wasn’t right - and when she was proclaimed missing, they couldn’t find her.

and when tatiana died - viktor knew. it felt wrong, something cut so severely in him he could pinpoint her death to the second. he didn’t know how, or why, but he knew it. knew it before anybody else had.

afterwards he went on a sort of bender. he’d begun to struggle with a mild drug addiction late senior year of high school / early college, but he was managing it up until this point. 

his mental health had also sunk to an all-time low, when it’d never been great to begin with. (manic & depressive episodes. once fixated on a sculpting project for six months and then knocked it off the table and destroyed it as soon as he finished it for no apparent reason.)

tatiana’s body wasn’t found immediately, and when it was ... viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing & being hospitalized. spent six months in & out of psychiatric care after that.

came back to radcliffe to finish his senior year because ... for the reasons above, he hadn’t been able to complete it. just wants to get his credits and get out of here.

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief, especially since the one year anniversary of tatiana’s death was this month (january) - causes him to spiral and be unpredictable in regards of his mental health. he stopped taking his medication, so. :/ some days are alright, other days are pretty bad.

personality.

the human embodiment of a gremlin that was fed after midnight. a goblin, if you will. one of those cats with a narrow head and really big ears ... that’s them!

a big horror & halloween enthusiast. loves the old campy horror movies & probably has an abundance of masks from different movies. dresses like a grimy millennial beetlejuice more than they should because they just ... love those black & white vertical-striped pants. 

can appreciate the lore & cryptids at radcliffe and likes to feed into the fear that surrounds them. is probably the cause of a few ‘anomalies’ and ‘paranormal sightings’ because they’re just ... a jerk.

fashion alternates between e-boy (they would be tiktok famous if they were 17 & didn’t think that a majorly minor based app was weird.), millennial beetlejuice, and goth in a crop top & sweatpants. big fan of crop tops and a big fan of sweatpants. 

they can be really fucking mean? petty, aggressive, a major instigator. will literally spit in your face for little to no reason, you could just look at them the wrong way. the kind of person who will stick their gum into someone else’s hair. other than that? they’re like ... sort of okay. they’re not always mean, just a dick about 90% of the time lmao

like okay yeah they’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except they feel like it and believes it. it’s fine, they’re fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact that they’re probably getting into a fight whenever, considers themself to be a lover and not a fighter but that’a primarily because they fuck a lot. uses it as a coping mechanism, like they’re this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ and it’s ... a Lot. might have a problem with hypsersexuality but they’re not fully aware of it. 

the preacher’s whore son, basically :)

pansexual & nonbinary, switches between he & they pronouns often and without a pattern, but they have such a fragile grip on their identity that you could call them ‘dog-faced bitch’ and they’d turn around like. sup.

vastly impulsive ... like i said, they destroy their own creations for the fun of it. spends all teir money on useless shit, will cheat on someone because they feel like it & likes the thrill, screams into the night sky frequently like a cat in heat.

will also spend months creating useless shit for no reason too. spent six of them sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of them & then took a sledgehammer to it.

they’re very super dramatic. would play the organ at church when nobody was looking after them and service was about to start. would just churn out these super haunting, creepy melodies like they were phantom of the opera. would do the same exact thing at home on their keyboard with the pipe organ setting whenever they got grounded until their parents took it away HBDSJFNGKH

will absolutely not talk about their ‘time away’ because it’s not anyone’s business, not even their own younger sister. still refuses to talk about tatiana’s death, or their mental health, or their addiction (fallen back into it but it hasn’t gotten severe ... yet :/), or anything involving their own emotions.

will just change the topic abruptly, no warning. asks about the jonas brothers instead and they fucking hate the jonas brothers.

that being said they’re absolutely not over tatiana’s death & it’s to the point of obsession over it. like there’s some kind of secret that needs to be uncovered, even though there just. isn’t. tatiana was their rock and they were pretty much dependent on her. kept them grounded. could control them when nobody else could, got into their head easier than others. it’s sort of like rosa lost two siblings that day because viktor hasn’t been the same since.

emotionally unavailable while also crying twice a day. cries during their brawls but still wins. is stony-faced when they tell you they cheated on you with your much hotter best friend.

will tell you straight up what they want from you, no bullshit & no beating around the bush. just blunt. if they want to fuck, nothing else, then that’s it. if they feel deviation or developing feelings then they’ll ghost in less than a second. is awful like that but feels no shame.

but also emotional as shit and it’s confusing. will cry on a whim and then flip you off if you try to console them or ask them what’s up. will bite you.

they go to therapy but they just fuck around and wastes their therapists’ time ... also is fucking their therapist, but that’s neither here nor there. so they’re not really getting the help they need.

likes to be intimidating but not ... with their body or anything because they’re a TWIG but uses their love & knowledge of horror and creepy shit to their advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before (also is a big fan of sfx makeup & has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids around with a chainsaw without the chain on halloween every year.

generally never doing good, both mental health wise & morally. would probably steal candy from a baby for funsies.

i don’t know if there’s a good to them somewhere deep down, but they don’t see any issues with themself either. nothing really breaks through to them anymore because the only person who ever made them stop and think about their actions was tatiana, and well, y’know. :/

an introverted reclusive type who doesn’t like most people or going out, but does so anyway if it means a quick high & a cheap thrill.

pretty observant and likes to analyze people even though they’re often like ... partially wrong. judgmental because they like to make people feel bad, not because they’re a righteous mighty person. because they’re not. so like, a hypocrite!

wanted connections.

a roommate... but it’s an absolute nightmare to live with him.

enemies... because viktor would have a lot of them...

familiar faces... people who knew tatiana or of her / were her friends. maybe even those who dated her, and who viktor would’ve tried to intimidate / scare at any given chance :/

pitiful glances... people who take pity on viktor and he hates it sooo much.

hooligan gremlin kids... just a friend group of grown ass adults who do drugs and fuck shit up around town like they’re edgy teenagers.

high school girlfriend... probably the one he lost his virginity to inside his family church :/

childhood acquaintances... people who knew him from his youth.

exes... good & bad terms, but mostly bad terms because viktor is an actual demon. probably cheated on them.

soft... i don’t know if he’s soft towards anyone and/or is capable of it but we can try. we can try.

unrequited... either viktor just doesn’t like them or he’s holding back because he’s :/ got issues with relationships & is self-sabotaging as one does

enemies with Tension... of the ... spicy kind if you know what i mean. wink.

friends... old friends, new friends, bad friends, good friends, close friends, frenemies, etc. i don’t know how many he had but if your muse likes to cause a ruckus and fuck shit up then viktor’s your man.

hook-ups... current or old. friends with benefits, one night stands, anything and everything because he fucks around a lot.

ride or die... friendship but make it extreme.

bad influence... he’s just toxic to be around and brings out the worst in people :/

bad egg... he’s gotten into a few fights :/ maybe you witnessed it. maybe you were in it.

literally anything i wld love all sorts of plots.

[jibunjishin]

hellO

i haven’t found the spare time in forever to just make a post and catch up with myself and how i’ve BEEN

i don’t think some people understand that idk how im honestly doing until i do something like this because i just go around doing the motions of life and whatever, not really having any time to feel, so i could be doing really bad for all i know but not be able to put a pinpoint on where it’s all coming from until i sit down for a sec. and while i can’t afford the time even now to do this, it’s super important so here i am!!!!

wow im super tired!!! in a physical way, where im fighting jet lag and general insufficient sleep hours. i actually fell asleep for like 2 hours today and then thought i’d take a ‘break’ until i felt ready and i actually haven’t felt ready. the last weeks of march i went into overdrive and SOMEHOW got everything done. one of my five classes is going really poorly, i’m scoring consistently below average and it’s ruining my self confidence, self esteem, just overall belief in myself and my abilities to finish my degree??? lmao. im very fragile ANYWAYS but on the other hand, I got a 91% on a paper for my public health class and a 98.5% on my midterm for another class! (which I’m p/nping! so it DOESN’T MATTER!! HAHAHH yay. *upside down smiley emoji*)

the point is things have been mixed bad and good results, but I’m really letting the bad overtake my whole mood. and i recognize that. acknowledge it. im not sure how to change my attitude about it though. i try to say it in my head that it’s ok and maybe eventually i’ll believe it but it’s ineffective and sometimes makes me feel worse. (also my friend in the class is KICKING BUTT he’s so good the professor gives him over 100% sometimes and im like ??? I can’t even get in the IQR... ya im jealous but happy for him OBVIOUSLY but I kinda feel like my professor has decided I’m a B-/C+ student bc I keep getting kinda the same grade, even though my latest assignment was not bad?? i went to a GSI’s OH and started it early and revised and whatever but got a 1% improvement. IDK THIS IS A LONG RANT/TANGENT I’m also not trying to be salty and be like “this professor sucks he’s not giving me As” because if I don’t deserve it I’m fine with that but ok anyways moving along) the point is, things are an OK average, so why can’t i be fine with that?

it’s partially because of these bad grades, but i’m also losing motivation to do my thesis at all. and like it’s necessary to finish an ES degree. it’s literally my last requirement and I’ve done all the other classes. but I just don’t know if I want to commit a whole year to doing something I don’t want to do. I don’t think it’s that like I’m lazy or trying to get out of it just because? if that makes sense? I don’t think it’s a bad reason. I can’t find anything I want to research. we’re actually doing literal research like not a research paper. we have to write a literal mini-dissertation and shit. i’ve been a content-absorber my whole life and I just think I’m too *simple* to make a discovery. like i’m not sure if i’m GETTING ACROSS THIS CONCEPT. WE HAVE TO SPEND THE SUMMER/FALL/some of spring bc that’s when it’s due DOING LITERAL RESEARCH and this thought gives me anxiety and i’ve cried a bit over it. it’s so daunting. and I’ve tried to talk to my gsi/professor about my fears and they’re like oh it’s fun! it’ll be okay! and i’m like NO you don’t understand?? and they’re like here let’s talk about what u can do and I feel like they’re actually not getting how afraid I am of this. I don’t want to quit my major over this... I took 9 classes for this already, and it’s just one year, two semesters, six units left. but I’m just realizing how I c a n n o t do this thesis. i’m not sure what i’d do? and you can’t bullshit this like a paper. i can’t do it overnight. i have a proposal draft for this due monday and I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TO EXECUTE THIS IDEA I HAVE BECAUSE IT’S A SHITTY IDEA and wow I honestly don’t know how people do it. I’m going to my prof’s OH again this Friday and I’m really hoping he can HELP or maybe help me find an advisor because if I am doing this, there’s no way in hell I can do it alone. I don’t want it to be a pity-thing where they’re like ‘ok let me do this for u but u can put ur name on it so u can get the hell out of school’ like I actually DO want to do it but i CAN’T and I know that’s toxic, i should be like oh yeah i can do it! think of all the other ES undergrads who’ve done it, who are doing it, who will do it!! one of them is YOU!! but i’m actually so past that stage, i’m facing the reality of this deadline coming up and it’s looking really bad. really bad. i know this post has been a huge ole complaining mess but YOU KNOW WHAT i’m being honest with how i feel, even if i’m not proud of it.

i thought i got over my anxiety!! LMAO!! im sweating and the whole shebang just from writing this and thinking about my thesis. aasasoifnva. honestly i think the worst that can happen is I get a TERRIBLE grade in this class. I don’t think I can fail??? but I was okay with getting bad grades in the chem/physics classes but this one?? it’s a major req. like literally a class for JUST ES majors in spring semester of their junior year. i’m pretty sure i’m one of the lowest grades in the class based on the number of times my groups have been getting the low L O L and it’s very sad to see that i’m the one of the worst in my cohort. but anyways it’s just super disheartening like I said earlier.

so right now i’m in between feeling like it’s a waste to stop pursuing ES and it’s just another year, 6 units(, A WHOLE THESIS) to complete the degree. on the other hand, i don’t need this degree if I want to teach ES in high school, since I’m one class and a seminar away from finishing my other major. and I will get my credential at the end of my 5 years. so I don’t NEED it because teaching ES just requires a single subject credential and a bio CSET?? I don’t need it, so why put myself through the struggle and anxiety and dread and frustration and all those other wonderful feelings of self-loathing and depression? so i’m not sure what to do. I really am not.

thanks if you even read this far to my literal 3 followers. lmao. these really help me and thanks to myself for taking the time to write it, but I should get back to reality. i’m not sure what my plans are for the rest of tonight. i can try to keep pushing through with the thesis, move on to my research paper for my geography class, or cut my losses and go to bed or read or go back on youtube. i am sure that i am tired as fuck and ready to be done. actually done.

edit: I guess the real question is: what do I do now actually? I have major advising meetings with both my advisors this friday, plus office hours with my professor. do i melt down and be like PLEASE HELP ME because I see no other way other than quitting? at this point I think that’s what it is. get help or quit. I think it’s okay to be okay with knowing I can’t do it on my own two feet. but i know if i ask for help i’ll CRY and it’ll be sad and pathetic kinda but idk IDK I JUST DON’T KNOW