#also trying to wrangle meta like this into post is so hard because there are always so many layers separate mentions that build

[theladyyavilee]

Hey, as someone newer to the fandom what is up with the sunset, construction on sunset thing?

hey nonnie! (sorry this took a while <3 I took this as an excuse to compile a full sunset meta post and there was more than I thought!) okay so this one is a little more meta even than the trapped dads meta, buuuut it is one of my favorites, because at least to me it is pretty loud and they've - especially recently - been calling back to it in very cute little ways, but the callback in this episode was the loudest in a WHILE and it is actually a beautiful parallel to the first ocurrence of the whole construction on sunset thing!

so, as far as I know it all dates back to the mention of 'there was construction on sunset, I had to take a detour' in 4x8 when Eddie returns from his math date with Ana to Buck taking care of Christopher and the connection between Ana and Sunset, which was beautifully laid out by @yramesoruniverse here in this post and there is a gifset by @catdadeddie here highlighting the parallel!!

for me personally the fact that they brought both SUNSETS aaand CONSTRUCTION back for this episode, when Eddie is dating again? yeah that was a loud choice! especially the fact that he was called over to do repair/construction work for Pepa, only the real reason (the real construction and the REAL reason for another detour he is taking on his path to love) was the blind date all along and they put not one but two pictures with a potential* sunset onto the walls in Pepa's house to make sure we saw that the 'construction was on sunset' AGAIN xD see this post by yours truly for pictures and lots of yelling! xD

*okay, I say potential sunset, because last night an anon asked about whether it is a sunset or a sunRISE and indeed we do not know for sure! now after that I went onto a google research binge and found that sunrises and sunsets are hard to distinguish on pictures, as they are the exact same phenomenon, only with movement in different directions! the only thing that sometimes makes a distinction possible is the fact that air pollution increases during the day and clears during the night, so sunrises often have a clearer and crisper feel to them than sunset, which in exchange provide more of a color spectacle caused by the increased refraction on the air pollution particles

based on that @stagefoureddiediaz, @mistmarauder and I have come more or less to the conclusion that the picture we see behind eddie could very likely be a sunrise - signaling a new beginning for him, while the picture in the living room, behind vanessa and her tia and connected to the dating of it all, is another sunset - standing for both the construction on sunset causing a detour in eddie's love life of it all, as well as a (potential) relationship coming to a close as soon as it has begun xD

now on the exact meaning of sunsets by themselves we have not yet found exact agreement, but they seem to be about endings, about the sun setting on something, as in the sun setting on a specific relationship or relationship dynamic!

(more under the cut)

so on this scene in 2x17 where we see Eddie reading Shannon's letter and more or less letting himself say goodbye to her and finally cry over this loss, while on the beach at sunset

@mistmarauder says 'Well, I don't actually think sunsets are Buddie coded. I think they're relationship coded. And really the sun is setting on his relationship with Shannon because she's gone. [...]Sunsets make me think endings. Not beginnings.' and also '[The] Sun sets on one thing and rises on another.' which after a brief conversation @stagefoureddiediaz points out doesn't quite preclude it from relating to Buddie as well by saying 'Not necessarily just because we haven’t got there yet doesn’t mean that that sunset wasn’t relevant to buddie - it’s kind of like a chapter ending - but it’s like that sunset brings on the darkness that is the tsunami which leads to the dawning of a new and different friendship - one we’re still seeing grow and change - I think if we looked at when all the sunsets appear in connection with buddie they’ll come at key moments of shift - so they’re constantly chapter endings - drawing them increasingly closer together - but it’s kind of a secondary theme with the sunsets rather than the primary one'

furthermore we have come to the conclusion that some of the smaller depictions might intentionally be ambiguous on whether or not they are a sunrise or a sunset, because at a turning point it is natural for there to be a chapter that closes and another, new one, that begins!

alright now for fun little nods to the whole sunset thing they've done since then:

we have Buck's heart drawing in 5x14 being done in sunset colors, pointed out by @fiona-fififi in this post, going perfectly with Buck 'misunderstanding the assignment' another detour having to be taken!

then we have three posts by @stagefoureddiediaz, this one about the sunset balloon at the bedside of the girl who was living a fake life in 5x15, an episode that had multiple nods to Eddie maybe also not letting himself live his life quite true to who he is! another post for 5x17 and the sunset colors on the cake for ramon's retirement! and then in this very recent costume meta for 6x13 kym points out how in the very lovely buckley-diaz scene with the math homework, Chris is wearing a shirt that has a small pineapple on it that is inlaid with a teeny tiny sunset scene!! she has also pointed out that there is a good chance that the full picture on the front of Chris' yellow shirt that he wears in the scene immediately before the Eddie/Ana break-up in 5x3 is depicting a sunrise/sunset too!

and then for two more posts that actually put various meta concepts, including 'construction' and 'sunset' into relation to each other we have this one here by @ktinastrikesback and this one by @ktinastrikesback and @fruitydiaz!!!

okay, this got kinda long, but should be most of what we have so far! which does not mean there won't be additions to this post in the near future, because we have actually decided to take a new look through all episodes under the added aspect of sunsets/sunrises, as well as actually looking at episodes that predate the Ana introduction on Sunset Boulevard, so watch this space if you want some more insanity later on xD

[leolingo]

(long post about purgatory and meta and rp)

sigh one thing ive been thinking is that it feels a bit unfair to see so many people complaining or doomposting over how purgatory affects the overarching qsmp rp story or how it ~interrupted arcs~ or is ~disturbing current storylines~ or ~narratively unsatisfying~ like. Sure. its a bit abrupt and most players were caught off guard because lore-wise it stems from the federation which means none of them were told about anything beforehand

but... its only been three days. maybe we could have a little faith? like idk ill be soooooo out there rn and say that maybe the admins did this now for a reason. maybe itll make sense later on. we already see lore repercussions with elquackity and his motives and all the nods to the eggs.

theres fair criticism to be made (when done respectfully) if youre mainly here for the roleplay but i feel like we sometimes need to remind ourselves that the qsmp storytelling is a VERY ambitious project. lmao. imagine being the writing team and trying to wrangle 20+ characters with distinct points of view and journeys on an ever-changing story because of the very nature of live rp. its practically IMPOSSIBLE to tie up every loose end neatly and at this point i dont think we should expect that. keeping up momentum with all plotlines must also be pretty hard, cc's schedules and outside factors like server programming and building and mod tweaking and all those meta elements considered and so on and so on

i DO also want the story to move forward and be cohesive and make sense in a satisfactory way. like i really do!!!!!!! but i try to understand that thats not ALL the qsmp is about. from the start quackity said the server wouldn't be exclusive to the rp aspect. it sure is that way right now, but thats because most of the active members are VERY passionate about roleplaying. thats a good thing! they have fun and its fun to watch and the experience is mostly good for everyone because it corresponds to their expectations to an extent

the thing about purgatory is that i feel like its a lot more meta than most people doomposting realize. it ties into the story, sure, but to me it feels like the sudden switch in environment and vibes and stakes isnt actually catered to the rp and thats FINE. like thats not what it exists for and thats fineeeeeee

pac for one has said he appreciates the event for the change of pace, though its very hard (lol), because regular qsmp was starting to feel a bit stale to him and he was kind of running out of things to do. THATS A GREAT THING! managing player engagement like that is awesome and sometimes necessary. YES, purgatory caters to a very different playstyle than what we're used to -- and thats one of its strenghts.

a lot of hispanic creators have also felt this!!!! roier, rivers and carre most prominently have been VERY excited about this event because its similar in format to a lot of spanish speaking events like mc extremo and such. a lot of these players are also not particularly interested in rp-ing and had not been logging on very often prior to purgatory.

even roleplay regulars like tubbo, fit and bbh have shown interest in purgatory for the competitive nature of the setting!!! thats cool too!!!! something different, new possibilities to play around with. thats what the events should be about. kudos to the admins and dev teams for attempting it in such a big scale. their effort shows and all the mechanics weve seen are really fucking cool

i love the roleplay!!!!!! its one of my favorite parts of the qsmp!!!!!! but its not ALL there is and it shouldnt be! non rp-oriented creators are also part of the project and deserve to have a little fun too -- not to mention a big chunk of the hispanic fan community that has blown up twitter with support bc what we have rn is similar to events they already love!!!!!!! im glad to see so many of them get excited again!!!!!!

at the end of the day, qsmp is a LONG long term project, and purgatory ends in two weeks. by the time its over, we can all choose to engage with it as we wish. it can be a big filler episode in your mind, if you want. it can be just for fun..... otherwise, if its not fun, your regularly scheduled qsmp will be back soon anyway :3 its fine to not like it, its fine to have something negative to say about it if properly tagged and not like. crazy entitled or blown out of proportion for what this situation is.

i just hope we can all manage our online experiences accordingly and avoid making things less enjoyable for each other. this is supposed to be fun

[alltheshadesofamber]

Wait, okay can you please tell me what the canon characterization of Jason is? I’m a new comics fan and it’s so hard to separate canon and fanon traits from the batfam sometimes and I’d appreciate any and all insight 🙏 I really want to write a batfam fic w/ Jason in it but have been too scared of accidentally mischaracterizing him to start lol

Thank you for asking this! I hope you don’t regret it! 😂 I’ve never really written meta before, I struggle with formatting essays, and it’s been a while since I’ve written anything really at all, so sorry if it doesn’t flow well! I basically just periodically added something to it whenever I thought of it. Sooo this ended up longer than I thought it would be! 😅

This is all my personal interpretations of Jason’s character, disjointed as it may be! I’ll also admit that characterization can be tweaked depending on what you want out of the story, and I am not immune to this! And when it comes to pre-Crisis and post-Crisis Robin!Jason, I’ll admit I do get a little turned about regarding what may or may not be canon anymore, because in my opinion it’s not really clear! I do my best to weave some stuff together to make some stuff make sense, but this really isn’t something I’m used to putting down on paper into words, and I’m sure some other people have done or could do better. Furthermore, I prefer to take post-New 52 stuff with a massive grain of salt, because the New 52 was just. Yikes! Honestly most Jason stuff even pre-New 52 is just inconsistent. If you’re a Jason fan you prooooobably already know that though! His characterization is a tangled mess! Why do I even like him? Answer: He makes my brain go brrrrrr. I did my best to wrangle my thoughts here.

None of this is consistent either. My thoughts on Jason change like. All the time. This isn’t even all of them. And like, I tried to stick mostly to canon, but I will admit even I am willing to bend on this stuff a bit to make relations a little smoother in my head sometimes.

Also people are complicated and composed of contradictions, and every character can be said to be an unreliable narrator of their own story! I think that’s something important to keep in mind when it comes to my interpretations, and I tried to have that come across. Without further ado, my collected Jason Todd ramblings:

Let me start by saying, I just think Jason’s fascinating. And cool! I like his potential for depth and his leather jackets and his righteous fury and his refusal to be ignored or forgotten and his determination and his sense of humor and his intelligence and his attitude and I just think he’s great.

Jason was a good kid! He was the best kid, actually. He had a rough life, but he never gave up and he made do with what he had. He was scrappy. He was funny! I feel like an important part of Jason’s original post-Crisis origin to mention is the fact that he made Batman laugh. That’s always stuck out as important to me, and I’ve always felt it should be important for defining Jason and Bruce’s relationship and Jason as Robin and Jason in general, and I’m disappointed it’s been left out of later reimaginings as far as I’m aware. Jason Todd is the kid who made Batman laugh! Not only that, he made Bruce Wayne laugh, on the anniversary of his parents’ deaths, in the very spot where they died in Crime Alley! Jason was a light in Bruce’s life. Jason made him laugh. He did that. And little 11/12 year old Jason, when faced with a Batman he had just stolen tires from and having been caught in the act, was fearless. He wasn’t cowed at all! He denied taking the tires to his face, then he hit the goddamn Batman with a tire iron and ran away daring Batman to catch him! “Try and catch me, you big boob!” He had gumption and spirit to spare! And on top of that, he had an unflagging desire to do good. Batman sent him to a school to get Jason off the streets and somewhere safe, and when it turned out the school was actually a front for criminal enterprises, what did Jason do? He could’ve walked away. It would’ve been understandable, he was just a kid. But no. Jason decided that he had a duty, a responsibility. So he tried to stop a museum heist. And that’s when Bruce took him in, post-Crisis. So what have we established about Jason so far? He’s funny, he’s daring, he’s cheeky! He’s got an unrelenting desire to do good and a sense of responsibility to do so that most fully grown people don’t have. And Jason was a great Robin. He was smart, eager to learn, eager to help people and so very earnest about it all. He was a sweetheart. He was kind and considerate, sensitive and so so empathetic. He had a bleeding heart and he wore it on his sleeve. And I don’t know why I’m saying “was,” not really, because he still is most, if not all, of those things, even if they don’t present in exactly the same way anymore, or aren’t as obvious.

He excelled at school and he cared about it, it was important to him. He wouldn’t stand for injustice, and he wouldn’t keep quiet about it. He was exceptionally bright, gave everything his all, and he was recognized and praised for it by Bruce and Alfred. Dick liked him too. As Robin, Jason was never discouraged or led to believe he wasn’t good enough by any external forces. Bruce was actually very vocal and communicative about how great he thought Jason was.

I also have a particular fondness for Robin!Jason’s adventures with the Titans. His talk with Donna showed him to be responsible, level-headed, humble, intuitive, and very insightful! He’s able to get to the heart of what Donna’s dealing with and give her solid advice, while at the same time reminding her that he’s just a kid and he’s still got a lot to learn and he knows it. He’s also able to deduce that Roy is hiding something, as well as what that something may be.

Bruce suspecting him of killing Garzonas, Sheila betraying him to the Joker, dying brutally and bloodily, coming back, digging his way out of his own grave, regaining awareness only to find out that the Joker was still alive, Batman had a new Robin… that he had died, that he’d loved them so much, put his faith and trust in his new family, and he’d been forgotten? Replaced? As though he meant nothing to them? That his death hadn’t changed anything? It broke Jason. It shattered him to pieces. But as previously established, Jason is nothing if not resilient. Irrepressible. An unstoppable force. He put in the time, the effort, the sweat and tears (and there were tears when he first broke. Jason’s first reaction to the news about the Joker and a new Robin was heartbreak. He was devastated. The anger came later. And it was a righteous kind of anger) and he remade himself. Jason melted down the broken pieces of who he was, honed his skills to mastery levels with a frightening dedication and speed, and through trials by fire, forged himself into a weapon on par with Batman.

He’s resilient, in all ways. He can take a beating, he can take pain, he can take disappointment and betrayal and failure, and every time he will rally and come back swinging. He’s determined and dedicated. He’s got an insane work ethic, and learning comes ridiculously easy to him. He doesn’t get daunted or intimidated, not really. He’s a survivor. He looks the worst of the worst in the face and he doesn’t back down.

Jason has never been afraid or hesitant to make his feelings clear, and he intrinsically knows his own worth. He’s never been shy to say when he feels he’s been mistreated. He doesn’t expect the best of others, not anymore, not really (but maybe there is some flickering flame of hope he can’t quite smother—) but he has self-respect and no doubts about it (maybe some fleeting thoughts of “was it my fault? Did Bruce ever really love me? Was I a bad Robin? Etc” but we all have those kinds of intrusive thoughts, don’t we?)

He’s confident, because he has the skills to back it up. He’s self-aware, to an extent; he knows his limits, knows what he can and can’t do, and he knows when it’s time to call it a day and retreat. But also if he’s going down he will not go down without a fight, and he will drag you down with him. He likes to cause problems on purpose, and he escalates; you hit him, he’ll hit back harder.

It’s established that there’s a bomb in his helmet. I think that says a lot. I don’t think he ever intended to survive his showdown with Bruce, but I also don’t think he wanted to die, not really. I think he might have seen it as inevitable though. Or maybe he didn’t want to live in a world where his dad didn’t kill his murderer. I don’t know. I’m not sure Jason knows either.

He’s snarky and quick-witted, razor-sharp and acerbic and irreverent. His wields his words just as skillfully as he does all the other weapons at his disposal. But also sometimes he’s just having fun and being annoying for the sake of it. He’s frighteningly intelligent, despite what more recent writers would like you to believe. He’s a great detective, and he has a wide range of skills and he’s mastered all of them. He’s an overachiever to the core. He’s hypercompetent. He puts his all into everything he does. He’s good at reading people, better than anyone thinks he is, which is possibly linked to that strong empathy I mentioned earlier. He does have a flare for the dramatic, and he is very very good at it. He’s got theatricality, he’s a master showman. He’s resourceful and clever.

Jason is immensely skilled! He spent a year going around the world, learning all the same skills Bruce learned, but with the training wheels off, so to speak. And he mastered each one in record time! He didn’t just become proficient, he mastered them! He surpassed his teachers! And it only took him at most a few weeks each time! He learns incredibly quickly and picking up skills and techniques comes naturally to him. Jason’s more than a match for Bruce on a strictly physical level. (Sometimes post-Flashpoint does have its cool moments, like that time Jason took out a bunch of heroes pursuing him, a group including Bruce and Damian, all while falling off a building, if I’m remembering that right) And when it comes to the mental level? Jason’s a master tactician and strategist. He’s outmaneuvered Batman multiple times over the years, even on the fly. He was two steps ahead of Bruce all of UtRH.

I don’t see Jason as especially reckless or impulsive, at least no more so than any of the other Bats. I think he processes things very quickly and is very adaptive. So it might seem as though he’s taking a major risk or acting without thinking, but in reality he’s thought through his options and his risks and decisions are carefully calculated.

He’s not afraid of the Joker. This is made clear in UtRH.

He’s completely in control of his own actions and he always has been. “Lazarus Pit Madness” isn’t a prolonged or recurrent phenomena, and his feelings and homicidal actions are all his own, for better or worse. I personally just dislike that bit of fanon very much. I feel it takes away his agency and turns his very real issues and feelings and dismisses them in favor of excusing his actions and absolving him of the blame. I get why people like it and latch on to it and use it, because it makes writing happier Batfam dynamics easier, gives an excuse to speed up reconciliation, and gets rid of any consequences for his actions, except of course angst and guilt when needed. But I just don’t like it. I think it reduces him as a character.

I don’t think he loses sleep over killing. At least not when he’s first reintroduced. But later characterizations may vary.

I honestly don’t know what I feel about Jason’s relationship with Alfred is or should or would be after Jason’s return. There’s not much canon to extrapolate from, if I remember correctly. I know that’s led to a lot of popular fanon being about them reconnecting and having a fairly smooth and accepting relationship, and I’ll accept that when it comes up in fic, but. I don’t know. I don’t really feel it. And the lack of canon to draw on in the wake of UtRH sort of works against that interpretation for me, and in my opinion lends more credence to the opposite. I also think that relationship (really all of Jason’s relationships) deserves more depth than that. I wouldn’t call myself a fan of fluff for fluff’s sake, I don’t like the idea that Jason turns mushy and compliant where Alfred’s concerned, or suddenly turns into some kind of a sheepish chastened schoolboy from his very presence, and I like when characters feelings and relationships aren’t too straightforward. Complex relationships are something I adore.

I could conceivably see Jason getting along with Tim and Damian, but like. I don’t know how they’d get there. I guess I don’t have to ponder that, because DC canon has said they’re already there somehow, but still. I’m not super against it, I’d just like to understand more. I’m not against the idea of a more amiable (to a degree) Batfamily in principle, but in practice I think it’s just not really delivering what I want. Too many characters at once means everyone tends to get simplified in group scenes to a quip or a jab, and I’m tired of Jason being reduced to a joke or insult about him dying or having daddy issues or being some kind of meathead. It’s aggravating. (He’s also not the only one this happens to in this situation, and I absolutely am upset by how the others get reduced too, both in canon and fanon, Jason’s just the one I’m talking about right now)

Talia did not manipulate Jason. She didn’t brainwash him, she didn’t goad him into hating or trying to kill Bruce or the others, she didn’t treat him badly, or intend to use him as a weapon against Bruce, or anything like that. Her original plan was to nurse Jason back to health and return him to Bruce. When that didn’t work, she put him in the Lazarus Pit to heal him because she feared for his safety. Jason didn’t even show any signs of Lazarus Pit Madness afterwards, by the way. She informed him of the Joker’s continued existence and the new Robin, yes. So what? He needed to know. Returning Jason to Bruce was still the plan. But Jason’s the one who threw the wrench in that plan. Jason didn’t want to go home. Jason wanted revenge. He wanted to kill Bruce. Talia did not want Jason to kill Bruce. She set up all his training to stall him, in hopes that he would change his mind. She kept watch over him, and she cared about him and for him. She was worried that he might have lost his ability to feel emotions or become a psychopath as a result of everything he’d been through, and when he showed that he was still capable emotions and hadn’t completely lost his sense of morality or empathy, she was relieved.

Jason is very attached to Gotham, just like Bruce. It’s his city, too.

Jason is willing to work with others when it suits him, and when he commits to doing so longterm he’s actually a very good team player. He doesn’t seem to have delusions of grandeur or aspirations of usurpation when it comes to leadership, and he’s not opposed to listening to people who have his respect. And if you aren’t on his bad side then he can be surprisingly cordial and polite. Though perhaps that’s not too surprising; he was a sweet kid, after all.

I wholeheartedly believe that Jason is at his core a good person. The bones are good, the foundation is good; it’s everything else that’s not doing so great. I don’t know if I’d say he’s lost, because I think in a way he’s where he wanted to be; he’s chosen a bad path, and he did so deliberately. Jason has always tried to the right thing, the things that need doing; it’s just that his idea of what the right thing is and what needs to be done has changed.

Jason has also been shown to have a massive well of forgiveness, though I feel that’s mostly post-New 52 canon, where full reconciliation with the other Bats is a thing, so he’d have to be forgiving by necessity. I’m not even going to get in to post-New 52 stuff I think, I find most of it very disjointed and in large part emotionally unsatisfying. There is pre-New 52 pre-death precedent for Jason being astoundingly forgiving though, to an almost saint-like degree; he forgives Sheila for leading him to the Joker and tries to save her life by untying her, and he even tries to shield her from the bomb. Which means a case for the later stuff being in-character could be made. So there is that.

Before Jason died he was also a huge believer in second chances. Sometimes even a bigger proponent of them than Bruce. This is a little hard to reconcile with his later actions, but it’s the truth.

Jason Todd went to Heaven when he died, we learn that in Green Arrow: Quiver.

I’ve seen a lot of comics that have someone, usually Bruce or Jason I think, say something about how they believe (or know, as if it was obvious) that if Bruce hadn’t taken Jason in, Jason would’ve grown up to be a criminal. Let me make this clear: I do not believe that for a second. Jason’s sense of right and wrong was always strong, and his moral convictions were steadfast. He stole as a kid to survive, but when presented with the option of letting something bad happen to someone else when he had the power to stop it, even if it wasn’t much power, even as a kid Jason never took the easy way out. He did what he knew was right.

Jason wants to be seen, but he also wants to be understood. That’s how I interpret his encounters with Dick in the Blood Brothers arc (yuck) and Mia Dearden in Green Arrow. And while I’d prefer to ignore it as a whole, he does make sort of similar overtures to Dick again and Tim in Battle for the Cowl, though I highly doubt he sincerely thought there was any chance at all that they’d accept in that case.

He’s incredibly loyal and devoted to those he loves, and expects that same level of loyalty in return. He sees failing to live up to those standards as a personal betrayal of Bruce’s; and after his return he takes betrayal (pre-New 52) very seriously. If you don’t reciprocate, then in his mind obviously everything else was a lie. If Bruce didn’t kill the Joker for killing Jason, did Bruce ever really love him at all? But he also knows for a fact that Bruce did love him. It’s complicated!

He knows Bruce loves him; but Bruce doesn’t love him the way he wants to be loved, or in a way that he interprets as true or able to be trusted, at least not anymore. It isn’t enough. Jason loves Bruce as much as he hates him.

Jason characterization is tricky! His skills, his strengths, and his smarts are all immutable across continuities and interpretations in my opinion, but the more undefinable things, like his feelings? I will admit, there’s more leeway to be had there. Also I’ve contradicted myself a bit sometimes, I think. Sorry about that! Sorry about all of this, really. I probably repeated myself a lot. In fact I’ve probably already apologized for repeating myself a lot. I don’t have the patience to check or edit this extensively. I did my best! I hope this helps! And thank you for asking me in the first place! Even though this is a mess, I did enjoy doing it!

[malachi-walker]

Happy birthday, Mal! I love your fics, they evoke so much emotion in me and have made me cry many a time. I don't often reread fics, but i've reread multiple chapters of Rhythm and Blues because they're stuck with me so much. You capture the emotional pain of their trauma and the catharsis that comes with their growth so beautifully. You also write some brilliant meta and just consistently post some fantastic thoughts. Also your love for swords is very appreciated. <3 have a lovely day!

First of all, my apologies for not replying sooner. I was making my mind up about something that would definitely require the use of a read more and thus necessitate dragging myself to desktop (which I hate because my laptop predates the dinosaurs.)

But seriously. Thank you so much. This is honestly one of the sweetest comments I've ever gotten and definitely made my already pretty sweet bday even better.

So about that read more. In honor of you, @metalesbo, my friends @n7punk and @jem-jarrett and everyone else who sent me well wishes or just really loves my work... Here's the opening section of the next chapter of R&B. Enjoy. It's a long one.

Adora Eternia is about two months shy of her fourteenth birthday when she first realizes she's in love with her best friend.

Though--if asked--she would hasten to explain that it wasn't when she fell in love. But trying to pinpoint the exact moment is an exercise in catching mist: the more she tries to grasp it in her hands the more it spreads out and covers everything. It just is: pure and simple and very, very complicated.

It's the beginning of December and the whole town is covered in a thick blanket of snow. Winterfest will be here in a few weeks, so to help out the kids who want to get gifts for their friends the Right Zone administration has shuffled around the groups that usually take their monthly trips on the third and fourth Sundays of the month to double up with the other two. As part of group three, she and Catra got the first week (the other three members of their crew are week two folks anyway and thus outside the reorganization.)

It's still kinda weird to think that: their crew. For so long, it was just Catra and Adora. Adora and Catra. One unit bound together, just them against the world. But there's also something nice about being part of a small cluster, their "scrappy little lone wolf pack" as Catra had once put it with a wry grin before Lonnie shoved her over with an, "Excuse you, I'm a great people person when I'm not busy making sure you idiots haven't set yourselves on fire!"

They all got a good laugh out of that one.

But regardless, the holidays are coming up and this is the first year that any of their group has felt like actually doing anything for it, aside from wrangling together a sleepover and seeing if they can convince the kitchen staff to slip them some leftover eggnog.

They made each other promise not to go too extravagant and keep each person's gift to ten dollars or lower. Even though their quarterly stipend has increased from three hundred to four hundred to match with inflation over the past eight years, it still isn't a whole lot for three month's worth of expenses, especially when they also have to budget regularly for clothes to keep up with the seemingly endless growth spurts.

There's also the usual budgetary concern of keeping her and Catra's first aid kit well supplied...

Adora shakes her head to dislodge the intrusive thought and continues marching onward through the snow. This trip is a good thing. She won't let all the awful realities of their life taint it.

With so many kids running around and wanting to shop on their own to surprise their giftees, Right Zone had to negotiate with both the local police and whatever other civic authorities they could get ahold of to come out en masse and keep an eye on them all. The kids had still come with their usual teachers, of course, but doubling the load and also splitting up was a logistical nightmare. Which is just a convoluted way to say the town is positively crawling with uniformed officers, off duty members of the fire brigade, emergency personnel, and other such authority figures quietly keeping watch and making sure no one tries anything.

Adora knows that somewhere in the press of bodies, Grizzlor's busy wrangling two new "brats" (seven and nine, respectively, and definitely not friends.) Somewhere, a certain Magicat is probably grumbling over the indignity of being forced to wear shoes and kicking every snowpile she can, like she can send a direct message to whatever cosmic force is responsible for her current frustration.

On an ordinary month she and Catra--being old enough to be allowed a bit more freedom to do what they want--would buddy up to watch each other's backs while they did their shopping. But this isn't an ordinary month, so once they'd each gotten gifts for the other three they'd split up on opposite ends of Main Street with an agreement to move clockwise to avoid running into each other. Afterwards, the entire group would rendezvous at the small clock tower in the park a block over before heading back to Right Zone.

Ten dollars wasn't a lot to work with, but Adora had done her best: a new stress ball for Kyle, some moisturizing oil for Rogelio since the early winter shed had wiped out his supply and he'd been too busy to pick up some more, a twelve pound kettle weight for Lonnie now that their shared exercise routine was getting a bit too easy for her... Utilitarian choices, to be sure, but she's been paying attention and that has to count for something.

Catra's the difficult one, of course. Partly because Adora doesn't want to just get her something practical, but also because they share nearly everything between them already. About the only thing that is definitively off limits is Catra's guitar, and she's told Adora enough about her time with Tao over the years that Adora wouldn't even ask. Beyond that... Well, there's a reason why most of Adora's day off hoodies have small strands of orange fur stuck to them.

Still. I want to get her something that's hers. Something she'll like. Something she doesn't have to share with anyone, not even me.

In the end, she nearly walks past it. In one of the artisanal shops that dot small towns like liver spots, she finds a display of hand stamped necklace pendants, with a design sheet beside it. There are a lot of the usual nature designs and such, but the one that catches her eye is a treble clef with the five staff lines bleeding out from it. They ring the edge of the pendant in a half circle, and scattered haphazardly along the lines are the other music notes.

The lack of proper order would drive Adora insane. She understands that it's just meant to look pretty, not be an accurate representation of musical notation, but still... She knows her own (broken) brain well enough to know that.

It suits Catra, though.

"Hey," Mismatched eyes looked down at Adora as her head draped backwards over the back of their desk chair, the throbbing behind her left eye threatening to escalate into a migraine. "Guess I don't have to ask how the composing's going."

"It sucks," Adora groused back, sitting up and gesturing Catra over. She jabbed at two particular spots with the half chewed off eraser end of her pencil, two hard jabs each, like she was filing a complaint. "Most of it is just what I'm going for, but these two places here... They aren't sounding right. I've been going back and forth over structure all afternoon, but nothing I do helps."

"Hmmm..." Catra stroked her chin and nudged Adora over so she could sit on the arm of the chair (they'd never gotten around to requesting a second, mostly because Adora didn't want to risk Shadow Weaver suspecting they were getting too chummy.) "Got any scratch paper?"

Adora pointed to the pile of half crumpled notebook paper she used when making adjustments and Catra snorted. "Ok, dumb question. Just let me see here..."

Grabbing a pen, she quickly inked a fresh set of staff lines and copied the notes Adora had already put down, making sure to leave space to work. Glancing between the two, she drummed her fingers on the desk, playing along in her head.

"Hmm..." Catra murmured, worrying at her lower lip with a fang in a manner that was... Oddly distracting. "Ok, how 'bout this?"

Adora jolted, tearing her gaze from Catra's face to look at the sequence of notes scribbled onto the scratch paper. She paused, brow furrowing as she played them over in her mind's eye. It was a little unorthodox, veering away from the path she had carefully laid out... But also blending well with the next part. Almost like the notes took a quick detour and then lead the listener back to where she wanted them.

"Yeah..." Adora replied thoughtfully, the tension all over her body starting to smooth out. "Yeah, that could work."

"Awesome. Let's take a look at the next part."

They ultimately ended up spending several hours going over the entire piece, sussing out every place where Adora was having even the slightest niggle of unease. She didn't accept all of Catra's changes and Catra didn't push the matter, but the ones she did...

They felt right. More right than they had ever felt when it was just Adora running circles around herself.

When they finally finished up she looked over at Catra, tail waving sedately in that way it got when she was simultaneously engaged but relaxed, and asked, "Umm... Do you want to learn with me? I like doing this."

'I like making music with you.'

Catra paused, looking over at Adora searchingly, almost like she couldn't believe the question had come up. No matter how many years had passed between them, that look never really went away, and every time she saw it Adora's chest ached in a way that was hard for her to process.

"I'd like that."

Catra's composing style is very different from Adora's. More wild, more willing to bend and break the rules if it means maintaining audience engagement, but there's always an underlying order to the chaos. To her surprise and pleasure, Adora found herself learning just as much from Catra as Catra was learning from her. Their styles brought out the best in each other.

The jingle of a bell kicks her out of the memory. Mind made up even though it's nearly double her budget, Adora scans the stand of necklaces for the one with the treble clef pattern.

It isn't there. Adora swallows down the disappointment, though she can't help the sigh. Of course. The town was well aware of the large population of music students a short drive away and catered to them accordingly. But there are also dozens of kids out on the street tonight. It isn't that big of a surprise that the design sold out.

Not surprising, but disheartening nonetheless.

She's just begun to turn away when a voice calls from the back. "Hang on a sec there, little miss."

Adora jumps, but remains where she is as a large Taurian man with a massive snow white beard trundles out from a door behind the counter, wiping his hands on his apron. "Was there a particular design you were interested in?"

Adora points at the treble clef, hope rising. "This one. But it looks like it's already sold out."

"Hmm..." The man scratchs at his chin. "Well with Winterfest coming up, I'm out of blank pendants-"

Adora's shoulders slump.

"-But," The man continues with a smile. "I can double stamp it onto the back of another. Ordinarily I'd charge extra for that, but it's my fault for not ordering enough blanks. Rookie move. Besides, it's the holidays. Now would that be all right by you?"

Nodding frantically in case he changes his mind, Adora scans the other designs, quickly alighting on one in particular. "That one!"

"The claw marks? Bit of an odd combination, but the customer is always right," The old man winked as he reached out to take the necklace from her. "My jig and press is in the corner over here if you wanna watch."

Adora was glad he specified, because as nice as the man seemed there was no way in hell she was going into a back room with a stranger. But she stood next to the window beside a display of miscellaneous knick knacks and puzzles, watching him carefully place the pendant in a cushioned stand to avoid damaging the already printed side and tighten it into place before moving beside the machine.

"You're gonna want to cover your ears," He tells her, patting the machine with one massive hand. "Had to switch to a steam press when the arthritis caught up to me. Used to do it all by hammer. This boy's okay, but he gets loud."

Adora nods, glad for the warning when he bellows "Clear!" and the machine's hammer comes down once, twice, three times with a sound like the ringing of an enormous bell. Once the machine is stopped and carefully turned off, the old man removes the pendant from the press and hands it over to Adora for inspection. "What do you think? Does it pass muster?"

Adora runs her fingertips over the impressions in the metal, memorizing the feel of it, the leftover warmth of the impact. "Perfect."

"Good. Now let's get you rung up."

Counting the five dollars she attempted to surreptitiously slip into the tip jar (the old man winked as he turned back around, so stealth fail) Adora went very over budget, but the others would have to put a gun to her head for her to admit it.

Besides, it's Catra. They already know she's the sole exception to all of Adora's carefully maintained rules.

With everything finished, she continues trudging through the snow toward the park, breathing a sign of relief as she moves away from the shopping district and the people thin out; no one wanting to go to the park in the middle of such bleak weather. Angling around a clustered group of bare trees, she spots the small clock tower in the distance, as well as the figure already standing beside it. Grinning, Adora picks up the pace a bit until she can see Catra clearly and--

Her breath catches.

Since her only experience with this kind of thing has been through books, Adora always expected this moment would be more dramatic. Like back to back in the middle of a fight, or eyes locking from up on stage. Something spectacular, like fireworks, lime explosions, like the feeling of playing a song without a single mistake for the first time. It's always seemed like such a big deal in the stories, and in a way, it is.

Because there's Catra, lost in her own world as she gazes up at the streetlight that's just come on, her left hand extended to let the snowflakes fall into her palm and the light catches the orange of her fur just right to make a blaze of color against the black of her coat. She looks so small, standing in that space all alone on a cold winter's night, but Adora knows deep down that she could never be that small, not when she's Catra, not when she means so much...

Pretty much everything about the past hour--about her entire life since they met if she's being honest--snaps into crystal clear focus.

Oh. I get it now. I'm in love with you.

It's a bad idea. Adora knows that. Shadow Weaver is enough of a menace while believing Catra is simply her roommate, her sometime tool--and Catra had ended up being all too right about the torture not stopping, even after years of Adora trying to direct Weaver's attentions away from her. If the evil old bitch figures out Adora's feelings run deeper, so much deeper...

Her heart beats double time. This whole thing is an unmitigated disaster.

But it's still the best worst thing that's ever happened to her.

She must make a noise, because Catra's ear twitches in her direction, snapping her out of that distant contemplation. She turns her head and looks at Adora, lips curling in a lopsided grin. "Hey, Adora. Wow, you look like you've seen a ghost."

Adora blinks, coming back to herself and mumbling the first excuse that springs to mind. "... Just cold."

"Well no shit. C'mere."

When she closes the distance Catra glances around warily, making sure they're the only ones around, before reaching up and retying the scarf around Adora's neck, patting it once when she's done. "There. I know I make it look good, but you don't have the advantage of fur like me."

Adora looks down at the thin AC/DC t-shirt that Catra's wearing beneath her half open coat, the line of her collarbones and neck, and makes a snap decision. "Is it okay if I give you your present now?"

Catra blinks, a little thrown by the non sequitur. "I mean... Sure? Do you want me to give you yours?"

"I'm good with either," Adora shrugs, trying to ignore how fast her heart is beating, how much she wants to do this before this moment slips away. "I just want to."

There's a long moment of silence as they each examine the other, equally searching. What Catra's looking for, Adora doesn't know. She isn't sure she wants to know.

"Okay."

Breathing deep, Adora reaches into her pocket and pulls out the necklace on its leather cord. Careful to keep the pendant hidden in her hand, she passes it over, fingertips sparking as it's taken. Catra brings it close to her face, running her fingers over the four parallel slashes on the side facing her.

"Why the claw marks?"

Adora laughs, nervous butterflies positively rioting in her stomach. "Because you're a badass. Duh."

"True," Catra smirks, flipping it over and squinting at the other side. "And this?"

"Badass, loves music with all your heart. Not mutually exclusive concepts," Adora says, trying not to give away how much she thinks about this, how much she wants to take that hand in hers. She settles for a playful shoulder bump instead. "Plus we all know you're secretly a big softie."

"Excuse you, I am all sharp edges," Catra giggles, lightly elbowing her before transitioning into a soft little smile. "... Just not with everyone."

Oh God oh God oh God. That smile will absolutely be the death of her.

Swallowing past her horrible awareness of that softness, Adora asks, "So you like it?"

"I love it. Good luck ever getting me to take it off," Catra laughs, then frowns, flexing her fingers. "Hands have gone a little numb, though. Help me put it on?"

Adora.exe promptly crashes to desktop. But she still somehow manages to move, helping Catra hold back her mane so she can slip the leather cord over her head and tuck it beneath her hair. If she hesitates a moment too long in letting go, at least Catra only shoots her an amused glance. "How's it look?"

"Great," Adora manages to croak out, trying to swallow past the sudden dryness in her throat. "You look great. Umm... Happy early Winterfest, I guess?"

"Well, I'm gonna hold onto yours a little longer," Catra laughs, playfully sticking out her tongue before reaching out. "C'mere, you big dork."

Adora shuffles closer, mind and heart both screaming as Catra draws her into a hug, nuzzling her head against the side of her neck. A little whisper. "Thank you."

Adora swallows again, even harder. "You're welcome."

Between them, the necklace rests, the music side pressed right up against Catra's heart.

----------

Fun fact: the shopkeep is based off a cool old dude selling machine pressed necklaces I ran into at a Scottish festival when I was 13, and he made such an impression I never forgot him. Anyway, happy Valentine's! Have a Big Gay Realization!

[jan-uinely]

hot takes continued

here we go. season 12 episode 12. 

so. it’s time to chit chat about drag race. if u dont like my opinions sry. 

this is gonna get bigger than one episode or one season. this is meta drag race. 

but first i guess the episode. right. so. obviously it was a “musical” so obviously i wanted to see jan sing and obviously she did not. I do think that this challenge [not necessarily placed in this episode] would have been a great time to do a like returning queens. but i digress.

i think that it was a little muddled. like it wasn't like any of the “girl group” numbers where it’s just the verse and chorus. all of the verses were placed in different spots throughout the show. I also think it’s ironic that this whole episode is to promote this live vegas show which is obviously not happening right now. but alas. 

i agree with bob in that i liked jackie’s verse the best. 

i did not love gigi’s outfit in the challenge. you couldn't make out the heart as easily bc the red was all the same color. I also think the material used was too chunky- it was quilted. i would have rather had the heart be quilted, not have a corset underneath it, and have the rest of the top part not be quilted. i thought it was a good concept but i would have preferred different #choices. i also would have rather the hair been straight instead of curled.

i did not have a huge issue w crystal’s orange and green outfit. i also appreciated the callback stars and stripes hair. though maybe not together?

jaida was good as per usual. i want her to win, but we will get to that later. 

also let us note the basketball wives hair that made a comeback [gigi, jackie]

runway time.

crystal and ******’s outfits did not fit the way i wanted them too, and the problems were both in the hips. when i saw them i thought the hips should be exaggerated, but instead they both looked weirdly deflated. and crystal’s torso section could have been brought in. [i did see on instagram that the person who made crystal’s look [casey caldwell who is a nyc based designer, works w a lot of neoprene/thick materials- just look up on instagram caseyyalater] actually made it for dragcon and crystal bought it right there, so it wasn’t tailored] 

in the dior v dior battle, i thought gigi won. jackie’s dress was just i think a little too large [not in terms of tailoring, in terms of diameter] but it was very jackie

gigi said that her outfit was quintessential gigi, which i think it interesting bc if you look up showgirls performances, it very much is. however in terms of the character portrayed on drag race i didn’t think it was. it was very well made, etc. but it just didn’t fit the “perfectionist trope” of the show. 

jaida is once again wearing a gown with a presequinned fabric, which i am not mad at. it is quintessential jaida. 

critiques. 

again ooh we have to nitpick bc we accidentally cast too many winners on this season blah blah blah. i was not a fan of when they said oh well we will have to look at report cards. as if they didnt intentionally load up gigi and ****** with wins at the start of the show. 

and then it’s like oh well jackie and crystal have to lip sync blah blah blah. and you know that jackie is going home. bc the judges absolutely love crystal, all because of that mullet. 

to quote bob “I used to be really upset at queens who won the judges with their personality” and that is still mostly true for me. i don’t think her placement is unjust or whatever, but like if ru didn’t like the mullet, she would not have been given the confidence boost to turn her trajectory around, compared to jackie and widow and jan, who did most things right but just were not rupaul’s fave, and must have had a much more difficult time mentally on the show. 

and FWIW heidi falls into this category as well. race chaser i think said it - all of her success comes from ru’s ideas. and being naturally funny and charismatic and having ru like you as a person is a huge gift and huge talent, but the inability to wrangle it...  that being said i think she deserves the world and will grow [and has already grown] from this experience.

and the thing is that crystal also keeps going back to the same stuff which could have been funny if the episodes were more than one apart or if she didn't do it twice in one episode but. idk. 

now, who will win, who should win, hmm hmm hmm. tbh i don’t think it will be crystal. they just crowned the oddball and they like to mix it up, or at least try to. also why looking at the history of dusted or busted scores [and s/o to jan for coming in @ 4 [after the disqualification]] crystal is at a 2, and bebe won with the lowest score at a 3 [w 2nd and 3rd place at 4 and 5], and that was in season 1, which was a whole other ballgame. leaving us with jaida and gigi. i am team jaida. i think that she is much more developed as an artist and performer than gigi, and I think that she will bring us something new.

[here comes the meta part]

the title is america’s next drag superstar. and i think in the beginning of the show, they decided that that had to mean something new and exciting, something that pushed the boundaries of what drag could be [which is rly ironic coming from them but]. which has developed this culture of what is the formula to be successful on drag race. and some people were more overt about this [jan] and some people were more subtle about this [gigi and jackie]. 

but for some reason, the [Black] pageant queens will make it to the top and then never win. - and they’ve had overt conversations regarding pageants and pageant culture on the show before - but balls and pageants were like the building blocks of drag culture in the us [from what i understand]. so inherently that means it’s no longer “new” and exciting. but the thing is that so many of these fashion [/nyc] queens work so exclusively with these high end designers to produce these looks [i think bob said it can cost like 10K to prep all your stuff for drag race] and with that the ability to design and sew falls away. 

and i think that is reflected in the challenges and how they have changed. this season there was one design challenge. and that is just so disappointing to me bc i think the design challenges really separate who has a full understanding of their persona and who does not. 

and with fewer and fewer design challenges, you have more and more designer items, and the ability to create something has fallen to the wayside. personally [and i will probably make another post about this later] i want to bring back the design challenges in one of two ways. 1. have an all designers season. where drag designers work to make elaborate costumes based on a prompt and given certain materials. bc on the show designers are not credited as much [that part comes on instagram]. 2. i want to have a drag race blank slate competition. where contestants audition and are given a list of prompts but cannot bring anything except like a notebook. no prepared outfits. you can sketch designs to the prompts, but all the materials are provided. contestants still have a main challenge and a runway, but rather than 2 days, they are given a full week to execute the challenge and the outfit. this would totally change the game in my mind. like one you wouldn't have to have money or take out loans to compete, you could just come and show who you are. and two the audience could see more of what goes into this stuff. AND if drag race really wants to feed us, they could do like a wed. ep and a friday ep. to spread things out. 

my favorite challenges are design challenges, and while i think the first challenge this season gave us a better introduction to who the contestants are, the design challenge is a really good thing to have at the front. 

i do think that if they had not had the debate that there would have been another design challenge in the mix, but bc it was an election year. 

anyways, i want jaida to win bc she’s excellent at what she does. and at this point there is something new and exciting about making all your own clothes and being polished and knowing who you are.  and tbh gigi doesn’t bring anything new to the table. sure the ability to sew and design is good, but compared to aquaria and violet the designs were not as diverse or inventive. on top of that, the fact that gigi is outwardly apolitical [and doesn’t understand the connotation of “privilege” in today’s times] is just not a good look. I also think that it is interesting that gigi came in as the look queen but actually did better in the acting challenges. 

idk my main takeaway is that gigi is really really good at playing other people, and with that comes a lack of self awareness. striving so hard to be perfect can come at the cost of not knowing who you are as an artist. like gigi’s brand is literally “im that bitch/bitch” which again, just isn’t what i want in a winner. 

and tbh the gigi bug bit early but ended when ru gave her the win on the madonna episode. [i will say that jackie could have won snatch game but tbh i was annoyed w her for being a little dickish to the safe girls that week [though what she said was totally understandable] and also i <3 jackie cox [and chelsea piers we stan chelsea piers in this house] i think there is something so gr8 abt being a nerd and being prepared and being on brand about it. also jackie is always the one to hop on the dolls’ lives and comment their venmo. hashtag cool aunt jackie. [though that here for cox t-shirt and the promo photos make me uncomfy though i get it]]

re jackie coming back to complete the top 4... IDK it’s nice and all but they've already established that they don’t want her to win- otherwise she would not have been eliminated. 

also in my mind there are only 12 places so jan actually came in 7, widow 6, heidi 5, jackie 4. 

anyways these are my thoughts. as usual, raw and unedited. 

[irish-urn]

The MCUC - Iron Man

Alright. So me and @cracklepopme are participating in what I’m calling the MCU Challenge (or, as @cracklepopme (who shall henceforth be named “Crackle”) called it, The MCUC), which is that thing the internet posted about watching one MCU movie a week to bring us to Infinity Wars (see here). And, since it is me, I have made notes, especially considering how they flow together and thematic elements of characters and movie arcs. And so:

Week One of The MCUC: Iron Man

First, I think it’s important for me to explain how I was introduced to the MCU, which was with this movie... 8? years ago... So I guess 2009. My high school had Spirit Week (if I remember correctly), and we went to see Iron Man as part of it. I had never heard of it, and so I asked my friends if they knew what it was about. And one of my acquaintances (because I don’t really consider him a friend) told me it was about an engineer who built a suit.

...In hindsight, he wasn’t wrong, but still. I went in with extremely low expectations, and came out with a heart full of excitement. And I have been hooked on the MCU ever since.

So! Iron Man. WHAT A GREAT MOVIE and what an excellent way to introduce us to the MCU, which, I think does an amazing job of trying to make superheroes real to us. And starting it off with a “civilian” in a war-zone, for me at least, always gave me a sense of reality even with all the... “outlandish and fantastic” (to quote Tony Stark) of their world. Something that will probably come up again when we reach The Avengers, is how I have always appreciated their efforts to make these heroes *human*. They get tired, they have flaws, they aren’t perfect, but they are always trying and always moving forward. And I think Tony Stark is perhaps the best example of this: because he is so imperfect but keeps trying and trying and trying.

Thoughts during the movie:

Why does Rhodey call Tony a mentor? What the hell has Tony mentored him? I want backstory and explanation, especially since the rest of the movie is mostly Rhodey trying to wrangle Tony. Honestly, Rhodes, were you just being kind for the award?

Forward to the torture scene, where Tony hears Pepper call his name. “You’re all I have, you know.” I mean, you see it in every one of their interactions, their honest care and affection for each other, but Pepper calling Tony by his name (and how often has she called him Tony at this point? What has he done before to warrant her calling him in this way?) at his lowest point really drives it home. Pepper asks Tony to keep going, even if it’s just the Pepper Potts in his mind, and so he does. Man, like. That’s love there, you guys.

Yinsen: so much more sarcastic and challenging then I remember him being. I always thought of him as being soft-spoken and gentle, and while he is certainly gentle at heart, he is no pushover. He is constantly challenging Tony -- if not always mentally (although he certainly holds his own there), then morally and ethically. He questions Tony’s motives, his purpose, his rationale -- which is exactly what Tony needs to survive in this environment!! It’s also a push out of his comfort level -- and I mean that from an emotional and moral standpoint -- and makes him think.

There are also very clear parallels between Tony/Yinsen and Steve/Erskine. Both older men challenge the younger to rise to another level by seeing the potential in these men -- Tony is a moral rising whereas Steve is more of a physical rising -- but both heroes spend the rest of the movie (and arguably, their arc so far in the MCU) trying to be the men that their mentors have challenged them to be. “Don’t waste it; don’t waste your life,” Yinsen tells Tony; and so Tony will spend the rest of making sure it’s a life worth living. That he leaves a legacy worth remembering.

(”Legacy; what is a legacy?” Lin Manuel-Miranda asks us in Hamilton; and it’s for sure something Tony struggles with over and over and over again.)

OFF TOPIC: But that scene where the Ten Rings are watching Yinsen and Tony in the workshop making Iron Man Mach 1 and trying to figure out what they’re doing is my favourite scene in the whole movie. I laugh every time.

I also can’t believe that Tony was in those caves for 3 months. I wanna know what he and Yinsen were doing for that whole time. Honestly, I would have believed they were there for a couple of weeks; they did not do a good job marking time passing. That’s all.

Gentle, gentle Yinsen: even when he runs out with a blaring gun to buy Tony time, he still refuses to kill anyone. Poor, gentle, strong Yinsen.

“Thank you for saving me.” -- How many times before this has Tony said thank you? I doubt he’s said it often...

RHODEY’S FACE WHEN HE FINDS TONY is so so soft. I also appreciate how Rhodey, Pepper, and even Obadiah (even if he is awful) know that the best way to comfort Tony is to tease him. Make sure he knows -- especially Rhodey and Pepper -- that their friendship hasn’t changed while he was gone, that things can continue on as they always have, that their love for him and the way they express that affection has not changed and will be constant.

“Cheeseburger first.” Bless you, Tony Stark.

COULSON. I FORGOT ABOUT COULSON. Like, there are so many things I realize that they used this movie for, including testing to see if the MCU would work while setting up the MCU. They did a marvellous job of balancing the two.

When Pepper is changing the arc reactor in Tony’s chest and asks what to do with the old one, and Tony waves his hand and says it’s “irrelevant.” For some reason that just hit something with me. The dismissal -- was it real or put on? For someone with so much focus and passion, where did Tony learn dismissal from?

Anybody else wonder if Sam Wilson ever went on that air force tour that Colonel James Rhodes does? Because I can see it happening.

LET’S TALK ABOUT RHODEY FOR A SECOND: Rhodey, who believes in the US government and their military, that they are doing the right thing, and that questioning their authority is wrong. I was watching him and going, ‘Rhodey. Dude. How can you not question them?’ and got super flashbacks to Civil War (which is hilarious because one came out in 2009 and the other in 2016), when he doesn’t fight the Accords. He says something about the government knowing what to do; and it’s this... blind faith and honest trust in them that is so weird to me. Rhodey’s faith in his government is probably what everyone expected from Captain America (and I am so sorry for all the Cap meta, but I expect I’ll be bouncing between them all as I go), and they got Steve Rogers instead: “This isn’t freedom; this is fear.” Whereas Rhodey trusts his government. There’s something very honourable about that even as it doesn’t sit well with us, because, well, if there’s one thing the MCU has taught us, it’s that governments and monarchies are made up of people and people have flaws and ulterior motives. 

Tony’s workshop is a true gesture of love and a real delight. Bless the minds behind it.

Iron Man/Tony Stark themes: Legacy and responsibility. It’s something that comes up over and over again -- legacy especially in regards to Howard Stark, and responsibility in regards to Stark Industries. Tony wants to make his father proud and leave an honourable legacy, but keeps finding how gray the world really is -- and there’s something almost naive about Tony, and how he slowly learns that things are far more complex than a machine is -- and he is trying to learn responsibility, but he hasn’t been taught it. He’s still struggling with that in Civil War ( and although I haven’t seen it yet, I suspect in Spiderman: Homecoming as well).

JARVIS: “What was I thinking? You’re usually so austere.” and “A brilliant observation, Sir.”

“Proof that Tony Stark has a heart.” MY HEART.

HE HAS SCRIBBLED EQUATIONS ON HIS IRON MAN HELMET. It’s such a simple touch, but oh my gosh so so so fitting.

Pepper is a true gem, even when she is awkward and hopeful and buzzed and unsure.

I’m like 90% Obadiah Stane was HYDRA. Look: it fits. His mindset with weaponry and selling under the table and double dealing is so HYDRA -- giving weapons to certain parties in order to keep up the chaos and bring in the money -- just... Wow.

Pepper is actually the worst spy. I hope Natasha gave her lessons afterwards.

When Tony is struggling to get to his workshop and his heartbeat gets more and more erratic in the background... Good touch.

I know there are issues with Coulson in Agents of SHIELD, but he is A+ in this movie. The whole way he blows up the door is total mild-mannered competency and I am here for it.

Pepper Potts can run in heels. That makes her a true hero in my books.

Rhodey was given one job (”Keep the skies clear.”) and he did it well. Good job, Rhodey. We salute you.

“You made your father proud.” WOW OBI. HOW RUDE. As if the only way Tony can ever measure up to Howard is to be a mercenary of death. RUDE.

The final fight: How did Tony survive and Obadiah did not? Solution according to my sister (who watched the last quarter with us): “Tony’s a good guy and Stane is a bad guy. That’s it.”

Crackle adds: “Plot armour is stronger than anything Obadiah can build.

Pepper’s response to Tony’s “do you ever think about that night?” is pure gold. Excellent job. He still has some work to do, and it’s good that he knows it.

“Outlandish... and fantastic.” “Laundry lists of character flaws.” -- HE WANTS TO BE A HERO SO BAD. HE WANTS TO DO RIGHT AND BE BETTER and so he sees the chance and grabs it with both hands. Will it be hard? Yes. I don’t think he has any idea of how hard. But he knows “in [his] heart that it’s the right thing to do” and that’s beautiful.

ANYWAYS. Iron Man is excellent and Tony is so imperfect but still so lovely because he tries so so so hard. And he keeps trying. He wants to protect people -- and while that may be from a place of fear, it is also from a source of care and love for people and his world, and that’s a beautiful thing. It’s a scary and dangerous way to care for people, to fear for them, but it’s better than not caring at all.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN WE WATCH IRON MAN 2.

[dvtsr]

 // WHT IS A REFLECTION?

if(reading == reflection){

    please listen to (Han-Tyumi and The Murder of the Universe);              else (experience great boredom, following reflection is long winded);

}

THE POST-DIGITAL PROTOTYPE

With a project (//brief) this open it was hard to decide where to begin, the post digital was such a colossal topic it was easy to get lost in SPRINT tunnels where you would start fifty micro projects only to abandon them all and be left with nought.

Having grown up with my nose in a book, specifically Sci-Fi epic’s and dystopian thrillers, this studio option was an easy pick. When given the brief, rather than a solid idea I had a feeling I wanted to encapsulate. A pseudo Orwellian future in which we are monitored constantly, not menacingly but very blatantly. 14 year old me would have been disappointed by the mediocralypse we are living through. Instead of a cold judge Dredd / Robocop patrolling the streets it is Siri watching us, reminding us to take an umbrella less we catch a cold.

When I got my new iPhone [TM(TM) TM] I turned off all the regular ad/ tracking settings only to find within a few weeks that without me having ever set anything, it knew where work was, when I was working and when I was coming back home. This was on by default, hidden in settings be-riddled with sudden jargon. 

(the setting was frequent locations) INITIAL BRAINSTORMING:

With all the aforementioned in mind I chose to focus on “looking at screens works both ways.” For the first part of this task I initially wanted to create a book out of paper that would dissolve under certain conditions, or create a publication that reflected my sentiments that I would expand upon in this final segment. However as I continued my research on the “post digital,” I began to think about my own future as both a designer and individual. The design industry is simultaneously competitive and collaborative. I thought a lot about what kinds of clients I wanted to attract, sectors I wanted to work in and what set me apart as my own designer. There are enough/too many Frankie magazine designers already, regurgitating the same grid patterns and shallow works, printing the same idea month after month.  

This is A Magazine, Compendium #3 “Chaos Happens.”  Shown work by: Flutro-Creative Services Unit 

It was from here that I realised that I personally couldn’t make another perfect bound print publication as my own interests didn’t align with this. To expand my practice I decided I needed to buckle down and do something I had little experience in. This is how I landed on coding. Whilst a daunting task I really do believe to evolve and stay ahead of the AI-designer-DoomBots who will inevitably replace us, it’s imperative we learn thy enemy. To bring something other than roast, peas and mash to the dinner table. 

In the same way we swapped traditional waterfall methods in our ideation/prototyping phase I wanted to SPRINT my own portfolio and make use of the opportunity to work on a concept driven design as opposed to a finished work. Whilst AI can mimic human semantics and create pretty websites it is yet to learn to think of it’s OWN ideas and it is this that is perhaps our best asset as flesh and bone.  On the same tangent, I wanted to explore the popularity of computer companionship. With the Mac OSX Sierra update, ‘Siri’ also lives in your desktop. Amazon released ‘Alexa’ and Google retaliated with ‘Google Home.’ All bots designed to assist your livelihood by taking over rudimentary tasks such as adding items to cart, checking the weather or playing music. The real appeal in these bots is not their ability to tell you what time it is in Denmark but their capability for relatively smooth, realistic conversation. How is it in a world more connected than ever, we feel isolated enough to require a live at home robot companion?

Like a housewife from the 50′s, only Alexa can’t stick her head in the oven!

It was from here that I began looking into the feeling of loneliness in the post digital scape. Looking through my phone I found screenshots I had taken from a twitch stream of two google home bots set up such that they could converse with each other (side note: the rise of streaming culture/ Instagram live is an interesting foray into how we consume media and how rapidly it’s changing!! Saving it for another post!!) .

V: “what date” E: “the date you’re going to take me on.” V: “I don’t know we’ll have to see” Too real google, too real  :----(

“If you don’t want to talk about Harry Potter I’m leaving”

Which reminded me of my own experiences chatting with bots. Cleverbot was super popular while I was in primary school as were portable offline versions of this with devices like 20Q. Our romanticism of talking to an algorithm is evidently nothing new. As AI ultimately reflects our own speech, is wanting to imbue human qualities in a string of data the ultimate form of narcissism?  Or is it our collective cry for help, to save us from our own loneliness.  This theory culminated when I read through/devoured The Age of Earthquakes: A Guide to the Extreme Present by Shumon Basar and co. (thx for lettin’ me borrow it Andy).  

Growing up with video games it wasn’t until recently I’d noticed how isolated games that weren’t MMO or server based made me feel. Disconnected almost.  Even open world games like the Witcher never truly asked:

Thus they never responded to my most current emotional needs. It was from there that I decided I wanted to create my own solution to this. I started with idea of collecting meta-data to fill in variables in a block of text. After strenuous research I realised with the time available and my lack of prior experience the code required to string this together was far too complex. From there I dug into machine learning some more,  finally discovering Amazon Web Services (AWS). AWS is a corporate orientated tech service which provides servers and API’s to aid in a vast range of analytic type applications. It was pay-per-use however as I was not sending it 10,000 hits at once it was a couple of cents per request.  Unfortunately the AWS Rekognition software (which is infinitely cool, able to recognise objects, faces, expressions, age, gender and gestures with a certain amount of certainty) was region locked to North America and very buggy through my VPN :--(

I did get it to work a few times. Ultimately this was weeks of learning python and wrangling with Terminal down the drain. Deflated I wasted a few too many nights out/at bars trying not to think about my impending failure for this assignment. It was from there that I found Microsoft Azure, a similar service to AWS it provided the same recognition and the added promise of analysing “emotion.” Again I put in my credit card details only to find that the API was locked to North American servers and also too complex to incorporate for my own uses. In my growing list of abandoned ideas, I’d hoped to incorporate the raspberry pi into my project mostly because I really wanted to play with it. I loved the appeal of it’s blank canvas nature and the anarchy within creating your own systems as opposed to simply absorbing what is fed to you. At this point I’m losing a lot of sleep over /getting it done./ I’d watched hour upon hour of Java and then Python tutorial hoping to build this damn application. I then came upon openFrameworks (OF). Similar to Processing, OF is an arts-engineering toolkit, like well fertilised soil is to plants oF makes the coding process easier. However it is still just a nursing ground and to plant and grow your project you still need a firm grasp on the basics and semantics of C++.  It was at this point I discovered  http://www.facetracker.net, an Open CV2  library for ~ tracking dat face ~  Developed by Jason Saragih, it was wrapped for openFrameworks by Kyle McDonald. Most of the resources used in this project ended up being Frankenstein-ed together as I found most online tutorials were either lacking or 7 years old. Equipped with a source code I was still inept at writing a code to utilise this library. This project was like trying to solve a puzzle where all the pieces are made of bubbles and the instructions are in Russian. Luckily for me I love puzzles. I went on self loathing wiki-hole after wiki-hole trying to find help. I had all the parts I just didn’t know how to make them work together.  

* note time stamps * Luckily openFrameworks came with a small library of tutorials which sent me in a better direction. It was 4 am and I was getting delusional when I finally stumbled upon a template Dan Wilcox had developed around FaceTracker for students at Carnegie Mellon Universities School of Art Faculty ( In Pittsburgh USA). This became the skeleton which I broke and rebuilt and furthered to build my own monster. 

I changed the colours on my compiler (Xcode) so I felt more like hackerman B--) From there I did far more math than to my liking to integrate my facial structure into the algorithms:

If I had been more apt at coding I would have liked to have actual face recognition as opposed to tracking. Baby steps, perhaps for my next project. I started with the idea of the book changing large volumes  of text depending on expressions, however it was too difficult to maintain one expression for any extraneous period of time. Coming back to my initial research ( with content driven on current emotional needs) I decided to use poetry. For each relevant emotion I assigned a poem/snippet which I both cherish and relate to a feeling. 

The emotions and poems I ended up with are as follows: Happy: ->  smiling Yes Yes, Charles Bukowski Angry: -> brows furrowed and eyes squinted Snippet of The Divine Comedy - Inferno, Dante Alighieri  Shocked: -> mouth open Alone with Everybody, Charles Bukowski Tired: -> close to the screen Rhapsody on a Windy Night, TS Eliot

Confused: -> Far from screen Jabberwocky, CS Lewis

As emotions are never singular, neither are the outputs. If you show signs of multiple emotions they will clash and play at the same time. The fluidity of the text on screen mirrors the unanchored nature of thoughts and feelings.  I also initially did not have the little face on screen, however found it more charming/uncomfortable to see a visual reminder of your constant surveillance.  Whilst un-menacing it is slightly disgruntling to know you are being watched. Some test screens (as in the opening GIF):

 Now armed with a deliverable software, my next hurdle was submission. I wanted to incorporate a physical art element that grounds the project as something tangible whilst maintaining the romanticism in the playful app, i.e I didn’t want to have it simply downloaded from a boring dropbox or CD as the prototype relies on “ inspiring a hope for a future outcome. ”  To physical represent both my Frankenstein-ed code (which has been passed down forward and tweaked by four generations of people to get to this!! In the spirit of open source I will also upload my version to GitHub) I deconstructed an old hard drive and replaced its casing with old mobile phones. Another technology rapidly evolving and leaving behind carcasses. Building new through old, forging future with the bones of the past. It also includes a charger noose to remind viewers of the potential perils of living entirely online. This is countered by cute stickers and a smiley face to also remind viewers that things moving forwards doesn’t have to be scary.

In conclusion this Studio was like an incredible buffet in which I took way too much food but enjoyed all of it none the less. The book club meetings were incredibly rewarding and a pleasant change of pace from other classes. I’ve learnt so so much from class discussions and just being surrounded by super super suppppperrrr work. These are all concepts/skills/thought processes I’ll carry forward into future works both in academia and beyond. Honestly though my favourite part has just been absorbing other peoples works. Through and through my favourite class ( and the only class I’d come to uni at 9 am for.) 💖🌸💕💗 Thank u everybody for an incredible semester!  

[uncheckedtomfoolery]

Yuuka opinions, by request.

Okay, that took a bit, because the last time I talked about it extensively was in some late-2015 chat logs, which I dug up for reference material. Whoops. Let’s get this show on the road. This is a followup to the post here. The same disclaimers apply, and more. Specifically, this interpretation is partly born out of a few self-imposed challenges. 1: Trying to reconcile the PC-98 and Windows personalities she has. Yes, this does mean acknowledging the existence of PC-98, and I apologise in advance to anyone who is bothered by this. 2: Avoid the gleefully psychotic Yuuka of fanon, but also, don’t totally whitewash her. 3: I live to stir up sympathy for awful, awful people. This will come as no surprise to anyone who has read Green Eyes. With that said, more below the cut!

It’s a question of origins, more or less, that starts all this off. Where did Yuuka come from? What is she, exactly? Strap yourselves in, because this is more speculative and ‘but at least it’s interesting, right?’ than even my usual stuff. If I sound like I’m presenting opinion as fact, let me say in advance that it’s only because it sounds better than prefacing every sentence with “I think that...” I subscribe to the view that Yuuka is kind of a big deal, no one to be trifled with, but not “can beat up five Yukaris with both arms tied behind her back” like some seem to think. The obvious question is how she got there. She’s a youkai of flowers, yes? Well, flowers and growth. It makes sense to me that a youkai who embodies growth would become more formidable over time. This is a distinction from the approximately static status of many youkai (as far as I can tell). With that preamble out of the way, onto things that don’t add up. I’d add, as a sidenote before I forget, that I consider Yuuka to be dangerous not because she can do horrible things to someone - many youkai can - but because she actually might. The difference between, to use a local example, pit vipers, and the who-knows-what-they’re-called-in-English that are a whole lot more venomous but would rather slink away or play dead than pick fights. So, discrepancies. In PC-98, she’s neck-deep in gleeful butchery and playful atrocities. Contrasting this, in PoFV, she’s basically pleasant and it’s hard to tell where her reputation comes from. In the print material she basically gets “she really is dangerous, you have to take my word for it”. Which is really her, and how did she come by this reputation? For that matter, why would she be like this? To the first question, my answer is: Both, sort of. Let’s begin by examining the corollary to the ‘Yuuka’s power grows over time’ theory. She’s old as dirt. Once upon a time, she was probably a total nobody. Not total small fry like Rumia, not enough to escape notice, but not a big enough deal to be untouchable. Exactly enough to attract attention and all the trouble it brings to her door, and back then, Gensokyo was a much nastier place for both humans and youkai. In those unkind days, she would draw a lot of wary youkai hunters to her, and even actual youkai who don’t appreciate competition. So, her early life went through a few phases, sometimes simultaneously or flipping back and forth. Hide desperately and try not to die. Run. Turn around and be horrifyingly vicious and brutal, making examples at every turn and, basically, acting like the worst youkai on the block. Why? Because that cautious, defensive attitude in her head - every part of her that she switched off in order to survive - and her own reputation make up the only defenses she has. Or to put it more fancifully, when you have only your life and your name, you dedicate your life to making a fortress out of your name. She has an image that she has to maintain. Forever. A good set of honed instincts, too, at the end of it all. You know the infamous ‘Genocide is just a game’ quote? Well, I can wrangle it into making sense if I want to, which I do. It is, in fact, more than that: Part of the much larger, lifelong game of maintaining her reputation. I’d like to acknowledge for a moment, though, that the obvious extra-diegetic explanation here (or in more familiar terms, the meta explanation) is that PC-98 predates giving characters or plot a lot of thought. Having admitted it, I’ll move on now. She can dial all this back a bit, sometimes. Be a pleasant, civil person. That’s her making a serious effort. Behind everything she does is, though she might not even realise it, someone who never actually stopped being scared. Or to use a more... youkai food chain-y metaphor, she somehow wound up an apex predator with what amounts to prey instincts. The fact that her panic reaction is turning someone into a puddle of gore rather than flinching away does not change this. She’s a bit locked into it now, too. She made her choice about how the world will see her and who she will become. Now that her environment requires neither of those defenses... well, it’s still a bit too late to change all that. This got absurdly long, so the next post will have a lot of more general tidbits and pieces about how she acts, how she lives etc. Consider this the overview.