#also trying to post to twt and it just decided to completely stop loading on my laptop so we will see how that goes

[asterparfait]

dahut with nadia vs scien,

[tessmontyart]

2017 year review

I am late yet again with this! 😅  2017 was ... a pretty crap year. BUT I made the most of my situation by travelling around Australia doing the most conventions I’ve ever done, growing my following and earning a nice friendly profit! More under the cut ~ (warning, starts off very mopey)

So continuing on from 2016, I was a what they call a ‘job seeker’ .. which means earning a small amount of money to cover rent and bills while applying for 20 jobs a month, only getting a handful of interviews and being rejected by every single one :))) This was extremely frustrating because each interview required a lot of anxiety just to hype myself up to go, and then hearing the same ‘sorry there were better candidates’ or -nothing at all- resulted in even more anxiety and breakdowns, and the whole thing was just a repetitive cycle that made me less and less confident each time.

(I’ve decided to use kittens to convey emotion in this post lol)

In April I was called back to (what’s left of) P55 Studios for some concept work, but it was only a 1 month contract and it took them 6 months to finally pay me for the work I did. It was fun, but man ..I hope they pick up their game soon ... it’s sad to see the state they’re in now.

I was then basically punished for ‘not finding a fulltime job quickly enough’ - the job centre shoved me into a warehouse sorting old clothes 9-5 with next to no breaks, alongside a bunch of ex criminals who were extremely unpleasant and rude to me. The dust made it hard to breathe, most of the clothes had gross stains on them as well as spiders hiding in them. After having another breakdown and being taken to hospital and a psychologist because I freaked some people out, I decided it would be best to go back to being a student and trying to learn more things for my resume, because a University Degree is apparently worth nothing in this world :/

AFTER THAT DECISION, THINGS REALLY PICKED UP! 😅

I did a 6 month IT and Web Technologies course, which was really good! I learnt quite a lot of things including HTML, and I was able to finally make a professional online portfolio with my own domain name ^_^ (tessmontyart.com)

While that was all going on, I was also managing my Etsy store and tabling at conventions, both of which are becoming quite successful which makes me happy! Other than that I’ve just been drawing and drawing and drawing. I’m pretty sure I’ve drawn the most in 2017 than any other year, and I can see my art slowly but surely improving, which is something I’ve been longing for!

I tabled at the most conventions in 2017 too. I did Melbourne Supanova, Central Coast Comicon, Sydney Supanova, Nexus Con, SMASH, Adelaide Supanova as well as 2 local markets. I had a lot of fun with those and am planning to go to even more in 2018! 

Other highlights include:

⭐️ I made my first ever vinyl sticker sets!

⭐️  I made my first ever enamel pins!

⭐️  I made these adorable Nifflers in mini Jars!

⭐️ among a whole load of new products!!

⭐️  I hit 600 followers on Instagram and Facebook! 

⭐️  I successfully completed another Inktober! I failed 2016s because I was in New York and didn’t have time (a fair excuse! I wanna go back)

⭐️  During that inktober I created a new OC, a robo catgirl! I definitely want to draw her more in 2018 :) 

⭐️ I had a go at Livestreaming for the first time! It is such a good way to get stuff done o_o knowing people are watching so you don’t procrastinate lol ..

⭐️ I also started making time-lapse videos, which have become quite popular!

(below is just a screenshot!)

⭐️ I started Fanart Fridays (which I gotta get back into again!)

⭐️ I road tripped all the way from Sydney to Melbourne and back for the first time :D (thats 545.3 miles!)

⭐️ I also roadtripped all the way from Sydney to ADELAIDE and back for the first time xD;; (that’s 854.3 miles @_@ )

⭐️ I got to meet @katiecrooked for the 2nd time and actually hang out for a few days rather than 1 hour ;w; You are amazing and I’m so lucky to have such a great friend!

⭐️ I also got to meet up with the Japanese exchange student I hosted way back in 2011! My Japanese is much worse now but her english has improved so much, I’m so proud TwT

⭐️  I went to CHOCOLATE HIGH TEA

⭐️ Tried a raindrop cake for the first time :0

⭐️ Lights released the most amazing album in the world ‘Skin & Earth’ *_* 

⭐️ Owl City is finally releasing more music! (The cover of “Waving Through A Window” and sneak peaks of the new Cinematic album made me so happy!)

⭐️ The year Hatsune Miku turned 10!

⭐️ I got this cute bag for my birthday and so did my new friends resulting in this adorable pic:

(I’m the one on the right covered in owls. yes I photoshopped my fat out lol)

⭐️ I became obsessed with washi tape

⭐️ Became obsessed with Mystic Messenger

⭐️ Became obsessed with Night In The Woods (and made these cute polymer clay brooches)

⭐️ Annd also got into Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid and Houseki no Kuni ^_^

⭐️ The year Charlie got this ridiculous hat 

⭐️The year Prisoner Zero finally became available on Netflix (the 2D animated series I worked on in 2015/2016)

⭐️ and the year Doctor Who regenerated into a lady!

⭐️ It was another year of cute dates and sweet things with a sweet partner 💖

⭐️ I also got to try Teppanyaki for the first time!

⭐️ I made these cute gingerbread cookies! (my first time making gingerbread)

⭐️ And I made these cute christmas ornaments for my friend of her 2 doggies ^_^

On a sadder note ...

2017 was the year I met my partner’s grandma for the first and last time. She had a birthday party at the start of the year (my first visit to a place called Scone) and she passed away later in the year :( I had to go to my 2nd ever funeral ... it was at a really lovely country town I have never been to called Canowindra. Rest in Peace ♥️

What’s coming in 2018?

I am crossing my fingers for an animation job I applied for a while ago - one of the ladies who used to work at P55 is now working at a bigger animation company and planning to open up another studio near where I live. I wont find out for a while, cause new workplaces take a while to set up, but that would be really amazing if I were to work with her and the old animation gang again. 

Whether anything happens with that or not, I’ll be studying certificate IV of the IT course (like a continuation), and I plan to do even more conventions. Hopefully I can get into Oz Comic Con (they have a selective application process) which is 3 extra conventions if they don’t clash with anything else! (Sydney, Brisbane and Melbourne). 

There’s also other conventions I hadn’t heard of until it was too late to apply that I’m keen to apply for like Animaga in Melbourne, as well as Madman Anime Fest in Brisbane and Melbourne. I also want to make a lot more non-fandom things for market stalls, as well as a comic and zines!

Hopefully I’ll hit 1k followers on fb/ig? :D that will make me feel important lol

I’m also hoping to go on a holiday this year. I seemed to go on some sort of holiday (either domestic or overseas) every year up until now xD; Sounds greedy but I really miss the feel of holidays you know??

Anyway, I could type forever so I’ll stop here. Not sure why I share this much of my life on the internets but its become a tradition!  PLEASE BE KIND 2018, I’M BEGGING YOU 😱

[2016] [2015] [2014] [2013] [2012]

[yamlog]

12 oct 2019 (i have decided that in my remaining time i might as well just be all Dear Diary-ish and the lack of date/time in the formatting is quite alsdkfj. anyway, so here goes:)

dear diary (?)

i calmly explained my thoughts and my decision to a friend who’s been through similar struggles and for the first time there was no pushback, no ‘why are you so stupid’ or ‘why are you so dramatic’ or ‘why can’t you see the bigger picture’ or ‘i’m going to call your housephone and speak to your parents’, all of which don’t really help. the only thing she tried to do was extend the deadline from the dec of my 28th birthday till my 29th birthday, which i acceded to. there was the ‘uhh but 2.5 years is really short arh it’ll go by like nothing’, but other than that remark there was no judgement and no protesting or disapproval. and it soothed me, i guess, to be heard and accepted and not told that i’m doing something wrong. and i felt less alone, and just a tiny bit more understood. 

i told her about the book i was reading, and the injustices of a school system that failed a child who sought help. i think it takes a certain bravery to seek help. i don’t have it in me. i want to do this on my own, not because i am brave but because i am afraid and tired. i’m tired of feeling anything at all, especially of having feelings for someone i really really really really wish i didn’t have feelings for anymore. i want to turn it off like a tap but i just can’t, and nothing i do or he does can change it. he could become a serial killer or a woman-hater and i would still find myself unable to stop loving him. i think there’s something lodged in my brain that makes me unable to reason and rationalise my way out of attachment and emotions. nothing. i. do. works. i am tired of feeling erased - like the story he removed from his highlight - and discarded. and i am tired of feeling like everything is out of my control. i don’t think talking about it to an adult (as if i weren’t one) is going to fix my feelings. i don’t want to take pills and rely on them. i don’t believe that i won’t be reliant on them long-term, no matter what MR says. i just don’t believe it. if a tree can’t bear fruit because something is wrong at the genetic level, no amount of high-grade fertiliser is going to make it. 

and since i set the deadline, things have started to sharpen into focus. i have a list of affairs to settle, and things i want to do/ get done before i expire. 

the first being, i want to use the camera more, the crazily expensive vintage camera MR saved up really long for to buy me, which he then put in a wooden box with a coating and locks that he installed himself. it was a testament to how crazy teenage love can be, and i have done similar things in my time. but this is the best instance of me being at the receiving end. i took out the camera today, dusted it off, and loaded in a fresh roll of ISO800 film. i took a few shots downstairs when i sent my friend off. it feels good to hear that crispy click. it’s reassurance that the photo will come out right, that the settings were correct, that i didn’t mess up. i’ll take more especially when i am overseas, visiting my cousin. because it might be the last time i see her, if i don’t get a chance to visit again by my 29th birthday. it’s going to be winter time, and i can already recall how painful my fingers felt as they’re out in the cold fumbling with the even colder metal gears and knobs. i have also decided that once i can, i will sit down in my room and post everything that i’ve taken so far. i want there to be a clear demarcation between then and now. the photos that i have taken in the past, when i was happy and content, they Cannot and Will Not be mixed with the ones i have started taking today. there must be a line between pre-decision and post-decision, pre-break and post-break. it feels wrong and messy and unacceptable otherwise. there must be a line. i’ll get to it.

aside from this, i haven’t decided what else to sort out. i thought that maybe i should write those stories ive been dreaming up, the wacky ones that take place in singapore. ghost stories too. but try as i might, i can’t figure out a resolution. i feel like i should have the whole storyline in my head before i even start writing, so i can work towards an end. but i’ve also read somewhere that sometimes it’s better to let the story write itself. just start writing it, and then go with the flow. my fear is that i won’t be able to reach an end, and i’ll just keep going and going and going as the story grows and expands beyond my control. i guess i really fear losing control now. it’s just too much risk that i’m no longer willing to take. i guess i’m damaged, irreversibly. 

i want to make small zines and give them to my friends. i made one during invigilation, as part of inktober for my drawing twt acc. it’s made of scrap materials and i manually snapped a rubberband in half so i could use it to bind the scrap paper i poked holes in with my only pen at the time. we can’t really bring stuff to invigilation so i had to make do with existing trash on the table. 

--

hearing horror stories about teachers getting in trouble because of what they post on social media. ive been open about attending p*nkd*t and now i’m not sure if someone could dredge up a photo of me at the park from 4 years ago and use it to justify my unsuitability for the job. it really is a nightmare. and im not one to be paranoid, but i think i should be. 

long, long day tomorrow. my legs are battered and bruised all over and tomorrow it’s go time again. 

i tidied up some things i’ve collected in my bag - pieces of things from small gifts from friends that i had saved to stick into my journal. i arranged them on the page and stuck them down, it took about 3 minutes. as i worked, my friend said that she could never do that. do what? i asked. make things look nice so effortlessly, she said. she said she tried to bujo for six months but nothing she did turned out looking nice. it ties in with her drawing style. she said she wanted to participate in inktober, but she hates having to go over pencil with a pen, but at the same time she cannot bring herself to just draw with pen first. i’m not like that, i guess. i just draw with pen without hesitation, the same way i write or tape things down in my journal. it’s not bravery, it’s recklessness, i think. i recklessly commit all the time. i don’t think ‘what if i fuck up? what if i stick wrong and in the process of trying to remove it i end up tearing the paper?’ i don’t think, i just go. and if i make any mistakes i just work around it. draw over it, stick something over it, extend the line into a box or a part of a doodle. i’m meticulous when it  comes to some things, but completely not when it comes to creative expression. or with love either. i don’t backtrack, and i don’t think ‘what if i fuck up’ i just Go and give my 100% and love whatever’s there. i don’t think my approach is wrong. i think i need to look before i leap, but still leap. some things are fundamental to me.

my memory’s really bad today. my friend said it’s the shock and grief and crying, it affects your ability to retain information or remember things. even when im trying to remember what ia te for lunch just 10 hours ago, i have to struggle to remember. i ate downstairs. chicken rice, for the first time in ages. it was hard, taking that first bite, and i couldn’t finish half of my plate because i just felt so sick with grief my stomach protested when i tried to scrap up another spoon of rice. i made myself finish the soup. i think i’m still running a fever. it’s just the impact. i’ll be wobbly and insubstantial like a spirit for awhile. then i’ll come back, and solidify, i hope.