#also this movie has. uncomfortable bits but none that feel outrageous to me

[gouinisme]

btw if u dont wanna see marvel content on ur dash (understandable) and i forget to tag something do tell me so u can blacklist it. i'm so sorry for engaging with this but spiderman has a hold on me and spiderverse moreso

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

No, I've found Olivia's framing of the sex scenes quite uncomfortable and Florence did too, which is her right. There's nothing wrong with talking about them inherently, the issue is that she kept marketing the film around the idea of the sex scenes and them somehow being transformative when eating pussy is not the progressive act she seems to think it is, and the sex scenes are canonically sexual assault. So talking about them as if they are about "putting emphasis on female pleasure" is very odd when the context in which they are occurring is rape. Alice experiencing pleasure in that scene is only experiencing it because her partner forced her into a brain machine without her consent and is stimulating her without her consent. None of it is sexy or "come see this film because of how I chose to show pussy licking" material. It's just off base. The inclusion of it in the trailer was very deliberate and again, Florence seemed really uncomfortable with that and it should probably be worth noting if an employee feels sexualized by her employer inappropriately in order to sell a product. There's nothing wrong with the scene itself, but the fact that she chose to describe it in that frame feels very odd given the context and like she's deliberately pandering to people who want to see Florence in that position or Harry in that position in order to make the movie appealing, none of which is that likeable or really speaks to...anything the film is trying to be about. It's weird to say "I wanted an emphasis on female pleasure" in a film about a whole bunch of women being collectively raped and one driven to suicide.

Oh anon - I disagree with you in so many different ways, but I'm going to start at the end.

Is you argument that Olivia Wilde should not have intentions as a filmmaker to have an impact on the audience at one part of the film that are at odds with the narrative? Or just that she shouldn't talk about her intentions as a filmmaker to have an impact on the audience at one part of the film that are at odds with the narrative? Because both arguments are bizarre and show a complete lack of understanding of filmmaking.

One of the reasons my only response to that argument is 'what the fuck are you talking about?' is that having watched the movie I think it's clear that the director wanted to emphasise female pleasure in the sex scenes as part of a wider aim to make the world seem appealing. The film is only going to work for an audience if they're drawn into the world and the fantasy on one level.

To have so many people say 'it's fundamentally wrong for the director to talk about a reasonably clear and obvious part of her filmmaking process' makes absolutely no sense to me and saying it a lot in my inbox doesn't make it true.

You make up a lot of what you think is going on in your ask and then blame Olivia for it. You make up Olivia Wilde's intentions are (saying "eating pussy is not the progressive act she seems to think it is" shows a complete lack of understanding of either the movie or the interview). You're telling a lot of stories about how you think Florence Pugh feels and why.

There's something else as well about the way 'marketing' gets talked about (but only when it comes to Olivia Wilde). A director is not in charge of the way a film is marketed that's the responsibility of the studio. A director also does not control what bits of her interview get snipped out of context and breathlessly reproduced by the clickbait economy. To suggest things are wrong because they were part of 'marketing' - completely ignores what actually happened and what she actually did.

Olivia Wilde talked about part of her filmmaking process and intentions. The fact that so many people are prepared to present this as an exceptional outrage shows how utterly weird and unusual the response to this movie has been.

[aeondeug]

So while I was reading GtN and HtN I occasionally stopped to be like “Wow, it’s great how these can be just so gay!” And like. That is really great. Super great. I love that about them. But I also remember at least once stopping and going “Wow, it’s great that there’s no homophobia here!” And like at the time I just kind of nodded along to myself. Around when I just finished GtN, I remember being very fond of the bit after the book with like the guy explaining like. The deal with necro/cav relationships in The Media and throughout history and how actually none of these things have ever been romance. This is just a pure relationship, unaffected by naughty things like ROMANCE. WHY DOES EVERYTHING NEED TO BE ROMANCE?! shouts the author of this paper. And I laughed at this. Because it reminded me a lot of people who do this shit with queer love. They do it with history and just go “Why does Sappho have to be gay, why can’t she just have passionate feelings for her BFFs”. Which is mindbogglingly stupid to me and anyone who has so much as LOOKED at some of the poem fragments. But like people do say that shit. And they do this a lot over like queer anything in fiction unless it like punches you in the face with rainbows immediately. “Why do Bubblegum and Marceline have to be gay? They’re just friends!” is a take that I legitimately saw on the day of the finale. And not just once. I saw it a few times. And I’ve seen that happen over so many ships in so many things, whether or not the ships end up canon. “Why does it have to be gay?” and the specific sort of outrage over it I’ve seen in essay length posts is just common, and that sort of outrage reads very similar to the argument that dude made about necro/cav relationships. It reads like that and close enough so that I made a joke about it even. I didn’t think too, too much on this at first though because I mean. We have Abigail and Magnus. They’re right there. A man and a woman, a husband and a wife. So like I was able to simultaneously go “omg it’s just like those why can’t they just be friends WHY DOES IT NEED TO BE GAY people” and also “wow it’s nice that there are spooky negative queer experiences of SADNESS here”. Which has got me thinking. Ok. So we have that essay. Now what else do we have in the books? I suppose could point at the entirety of Gideon and Harrow’s just furious refusal to admit that they might actually be in love with one another. Even though it appears to be obvious to literally everyone else in the galaxy. And is obvious to the readers. Hell, Gideon even has a moment of feeling like she needs to tell Harrow something the day before she dies. Something which is heavily romance coded, I don’t know the word for it. But like a “Wow I feel a need to tell them something and it’ll be my last shot” before a death just kind of always reads “It was an ‘I love you’. They needed to say it and didn’t get a chance”. So we’ve got that and, specifically, we’ve got their outrage at the suggestions. Gideon stresses that she’s JUST Harrow’s cav. And she’s very fucking insistent on that. Part of the why is that she knows Harrow is in love with a fucking dead girl in a casket but like. It just hits a certain way. There’s also Harrow’s just repeated disgust she expresses towards the concept of necro/cav relationships. She needs to explain away to herself that like, well, Abigail and Magnus were ALREADY married before he was named her cavalier primary so maybe that makes it fine. And even then she’s not like super duper comfy with the idea. A taboo has been broken, Harrow feels, and she needs to get really rules lawery to find any comfort with that. Other small things that feel of note to me here are the nature of the ways we know that these two are gay outside of like. Their weird thing for one another. With Gideon we’re introduced to it basically immediately with her joke about titty mags. Harrow specifically makes a comment at some point that some of the magazines Gideon gets are very gross, yes. Her interest in women is explicitly made sexual from the get go, and the idea that The Gays are just weird sex fiends and there is no love there is a frequent one. With Harrow meanwhile we know because she says she’s in love with the girl in the Locked Tomb. Who is very much dead. A thing that is fucky enough that like there is an entire song and dance about “GIDEON THE FIRST IS MAKING OUT WITH A CORPSE??????” and how Harrow is a hypocrite for being so offended by that all. Also the girl is behind the door. She is something that isn’t supposed to be seen or known about or, heaven forbid, woken up. That is all the ultimate taboo and Harrow not only fucking broke that but she looked at the girl and went “Wow I’m in love” on the spot. So we have this collection of things that could be read as some sort of metaphor for like...The taboo nature of queer love. “Why can’t they just be friends?” and issues of purity and the lack thereof. And we have characters who are very clearly in love but who can’t just admit that because they think there’s something fucking wrong with that. Gideon’s JUST her cav and Harrow is also in love with a dead chick. We also have Magnus and Abigail around who are just like. Happily married and fine with things regarding their whole necro/cav aesthetic. Ianthe doesn’t seem to give a shit that Gideon’s into Harrow at all. There’s a fondness for necro/cav relationships enough that there’s an entire romance genre centered on them and like characters in the cast are fond of those, some of them. Things appear to be Fine, at least as far as their friends are concerned. Maybe the asshole writing the essay that kicked this pondering off would have an issue and a stuffy old grandma would pitch a fit. But like their friends don’t have a problem with necro/cav shit. But we still very much have Gideon and Harrow being “Well no. We’re just a necromancer and their cavalier. GOD.” Now part of what got me thinking about this is that I recently decided to start watching Bly Manor. Because fuck it we haven’t yet. And specifically part of why is I remember seeing an analysis of it done by Rowan Ellis which had this bit where like the argument that “Bly Manor proves you can do queer stories without homophobia being a part of it!” is brought up and like...Ellis is like “Ok but we very much do just lock a queer woman in a literal closet while she screams to be let out”. And lo and behold in the first episode we very much do just lock a queer woman in a literal closet while she screams to be let out. In an episode showing that she’s like just unable to go back home for...some reason. And that she has some sort of difficulty with her relationship with her mother. No, the show is not having the character literally go “Wow I sure am in the closet and I kind of fucking hate that woe is me I am so gay”. But figuratively? It’s all over the place in that first episode. I’m not sure about the others because I haven’t watched them, but it is there in the very first one. And that’s something horror does very well. It takes things that are scary and uncomfortable and bundles them up in shades of metaphor. It hides them from  you by showing you the thing cleverly disguised. Maybe you do not notice it the first time through perhaps. Maybe you felt that a certain thing like the closet scene resonated very hard with you and you’re not sure why. But you perhaps don’t consciously go “Aha! It is the horror of being closeted!” Upon looking back on it or back through it though you might notice it. And be like “Oh that was there. Holy fuck.” Now maybe you’re also someone who isn’t like. Comfortable. With straightforward depictions of specifically queer suffering. Maybe it’s just too scary. But with this show hiding it in a metaphor you got to sit through that. You got to be brave enough to sit through a very, very scary thing. And afterwords you go to think about it. This is the power of metaphor and it’s something horror has been very, very good at doing for ages. Maybe racism or homophobia or whatever else is too nerve wracking for you to look at face on in media, but maybe you can watch a movie or a show where the horror of those things are very much there but cloaked in metaphor. And so maybe we are getting that with Gideon and Harrow’s weird issues around how “taboo” their feelings are. Two people who are just unwilling to believe that it might be that thing, in part because that thing is “taboo”. Except instead of the taboo being literally “They’re lesbians, Harold,” it’s instead cloaked in a comforting metaphor of necro/cav relationships and some dude who is really fucking offended at people’s space ao3 fanfictions about his historical favs. Which is important because every fucking scrap of anything one gets is an argument. It can’t just be that they’re in love. It’s that you must PROVE it and some asshole with a degree or just a bone to pick is going to come by and be like “WHY CAN’T THEY JUST BE A NECRO AND A CAV” about it all. And like I’m someone who’s known they’re into other women for a long while now. At least half my life. We have conquered that hurdle. But we haven’t entirely unpacked all the weird little societal bullshit that is still in there. Hiding. Lurking. And that societal bullshit specifically frames that sort of love as something gross and taboo and “Why Can’t They Just Be Friends?”. With that last thing hurting a lot. I’ve constantly run across people going “Why can’t they just be friends?” or going “They just have a sisterly relationship!” about things I shipped. Even when those things involved shit like the characters kissing on screen or mentioning that they’ve been dating in a sequel series. I can’t simply like my ships. I can’t simply see myself in romance. Because my sort of love is so taboo that it is, in itself, a debate. Maybe being shown the thing cleverly disguised as another thing might help me unpack that. At the very least it helps me look at it. When it’s something that hurts a lot to this day.

[ameliarating]

I read through @pumpkinpaix‘s deeply thoughtful post about cultural appropriation and dismissal of Chinese cultural concerns (two related but distinct phenomena) in non-Chinese MDZS/CQL fan-spaces and should-be-obvious-but-painfully-is-not disclaimer: 

When it comes to these things, the voices that should be rising above the rest are the Chinese fans speaking out about what they’ve seen.

I’m only here because I feel I have what to say on this bit here: 

For context, we are referencing two connected instances: the conflict described in these two threads (here and here), and when @/jelenedra tweeted about giving Jewish practices to the Lans. Regarding the latter, we felt that it tread into the territory of cultural erasure, and that it came from a person who had already disrespected diaspora’s work and input.

Context

The Lans have their own religious and cultural practices, rooted both in the cultural history of China and the genre of xianxia. Superimposing a different religious practice onto the Lans amidst other researched, canonical or culturally accurate details felt as if something important of ours was being overwritten for another’s personal satisfaction. Because canon is so intrinsically tied to real cultural, historical, and religious practices, replacing those practices in a canon setting fic feels like erasure. While MDZS is a fantasy novel, the religious practices contained therein are not. This was uncomfortable for many of us, and we wanted to point it out and have it resolved amicably. We were hoping for a discussion or exchange as there are many parallels and points of relation between Chinese and Jewish cultures, but that did not turn out quite as expected.

What happened next felt like a long game of outrage telephone that resulted in a confusion of issues that deflected responsibility, distracted from the origin of the conflict, and swept our concern under the rug.

Specifically, we are concerned about how these two incidents are part of what we feel is a repeated, widespread pattern of the devaluing of Chinese fans’ work and concerns within this fandom. This recent round of discourse is just one of many instances where we have found ourselves in a position of feeling spoken over within a space that is nominally ours. Regardless of what the telephone game was actually about, the way it played out revealed something about how issues are prioritized.

(Big surprise, I’m going to talk about Jewish things and MDZS)

I haven’t read the fic in question, but I have certainly made many posts about Jewishness and the Lans, imagining certain traditional Jewish educational settings and modes of learning and argumentation as superimposed onto the Cloud Recesses. I’ve also written other posts, mostly for me and the three other people out there who would find it funny, imagining different sects as different Jewish sects - or at least, who they have most in common with.

Never was I imagining these characters or worlds to be actually Jewish, but, as people often do in fandom, I was playing around in the spaces, delighting in overlaps I found, out of a deep-seated wish that I could have anything like MDZS or so many of the other fantasy I loved with Jews.

I’m jealous. I’m so jealous. 

Here’s how I was relating to it: 

China is a country of billions with an immense media audience of its own, its own television, movies, books, comics, etc. The only Jewish equivalent could ever be Israel, very tiny, and while there is a lot of good Israeli television, books, etc out there, it doesn’t approach what’s available from China, and certainly none of it has broken through to be a fandom presence of its own, not even in Jewish only or Hebrew speaking spaces. And even when that happens, the creators don’t often draw on Jewish history and myth. (One example I can think of a show that does is Juda, a Jewish vampire show from Israel, but I know exactly one (1) person on tumblr who’s seen it.)

So I was treating MDZS the way I treat American media - as a playground. Since I can’t find Jewish stories, especially in fantasy, I’m going to play around with it in non-Jewish stories.

Here’s how I should have been relating to it:

There are so many people who, like me, have been hungry to find themselves and their stories and their magic in fandom spaces. They have a show that’s made it big. Is it fair to, even playing around in tumblr posts, set so much of that rich cultural context aside in order for me to find room for my own? 

In the U.S., at least, where I am, it’s not the same as doing the same thing with, say, The Lord of the Rings (where I wrote a fic making use of Jewish mourning practices and assigned them to the Beorians) or Harry Potter, because that’s taking a dominant culture which is all I usually ever see and make room for myself. 

In MDZS, especially in the English language fandom where the Chinese cultural context is never dominant and is often shouted over and overlooked, and where there just aren’t many other examples of media that made it big in the fandom, I am only making room for myself by shoving aside something else that barely has any room at all.

In many ways, I became the fan that frustrates me, that writes about Jewish characters celebrating Christmas, rather than the fan that I wanted to be, which gets excited about cultural overlap and similarities. I’m sorry and I apologize.

My first reaction was not to. My first reaction was to say it’s not the same. Because it isn’t the same. It’s never the same when minorities do things to each other. But even if that’s less destructive, in some ways it’s more painful, because that’s where we should be able to look to each other for solidarity. (Obviously this is in English language fandom - Chinese fans are not a minority in Chinese language fandoms!)

I do believe that there should be room to make silly posts about the Lans doing things that Jews do, because the Lans do do things that Jews do. When I made an edit where Lan Wangji was responding to Lan Qiren quoting in Hebrew from the Jewish prayerbook rather than the sect rule to distance from evil, I did that because he was saying the exact same thing. It was wonderful to me, that a Lan sect rule could be exactly the same as something I pray every morning.

That’s very different from when I wrote imagining the Lans as Jews which left no more room for the Lans as Chinese Buddhists. It’s those later things I apologize for and what I’ll be careful about in the future.

I do still want to return to something I said just above, however: “Because it isn’t the same. It’s never the same when minorities do things to each other.”

I worry, as I wrote in a separate post, about the tendency I see in anti-colonial, anti-imperialist spaces to look at Jewish practices and laws and culture and see it as an example of Western hegemony rather than as a survivor of it. Especially in a post that talks about the Chinese diaspora experience, where the very word diaspora was coined to describe the Jewish scattering across the globe and only much later was used for other cultures and peoples.

I don’t object to its now much more universal use as a word. It’s useful and it’s powerful and I believe it can be used to build solidarity. I do ask for, however, recognition that while Jews, especially in the West, might reproduce Western hegemony and use it against others, our own ethno-religious experiences bubbling up is not one of those reproductions.

In other words, when we erase, accidentally or purposefully, the Chinese cultural and religious contexts of characters in MDZS/CQL in our rush to write in Jewish cultural and religious contexts, we are doing harm as ourselves, not as representatives of Western/European/Christian hegemony. And in fact, what inspired us to write in our own contexts is that there are certain things (deference to elders, life carefully regulated by a series of laws about everything from interpersonal-ethical behavior to food habits to modes of speech, cultural horror regarding desecration of the dead, etc) we find in these stories that we don’t find in many Western stories that resonate with our own cultural background.

Which is not to erase the harm itself. I am sorry for it and I will do my best going forward to write about overlaps without erasing or replacing what is already there from the beginning and should remain so.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #321

i’m exploring the deepest recesses of tumblr to unearth super old surveys, so you can expect an onslaught of ‘em.

When someone is tailgating you, do you drive faster or slower? I drive the same speed, even though it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. What place outside of your own home do you spend the most time at? My sister's place. Have you ever been snorkeling? No. Do most of your relatives live in the same state/province as you? No; only my parents and immediate sisters live here. Have you ever participated in a medical study? No. Is there a food you hate that everyone else seems to like? Especially where I live, fried chicken. It's disgusting. Have you ever had to evacuate from a natural disaster? No. Do you have any family members who are cancer survivors? Numerous, actually. Do you have any licenses other than your driver's license? I don't even have a driver's license, never mind anything else. What job does you significant other have? I’m single. When you were in elementary school, what was a typical afternoon like once you got home from school? I did my homework right away; well, after having a snack. After that, I was most likely on the computer playing Neopets or Webkinz, or something on the PlayStation. Is your favorite movie part of a series? Yes. Have you ever played in a water puddle? Sure, as a kid. I loved that. Have you ever played in a mud puddle? I don't think so. Have you ever kissed someone (outside) in the rain? Yes. He did it purely to be romantic, lol. Have you ever lost control of your car in the rain? No, thank fuck. Have you ever had to attend summer school? No. Have you ever experienced a summer where the temperature exceeded 120'F/49'C? Yikes, no, not that high. The highest we usually get is below 110. Do you live in a hot or cold (normally) climate? Hot. It sucks. Has your community ever had a “smog alert”? No. Have you ever raked leaves, and then played in them? Oh, absolutely as a kid. Dad would rake a pile just for us kids. Have they ever cancelled school because it was too hot? At least once, yes. Have you ever had to shovel snow? No. Have you ever experienced “cat’s breath”, where the wind was so powerful it took your breath away, literally? Yep, especially when I visited Sara and we went on a walk. It was fucking outrageous. Safe to say I didn't last long on that walk. Has your/or have you been in a car that was stuck in a snowstorm? No. What does your MySpace profile look like? I haven't seen it since that site was still "a thing." I do remember, however, that it was COVERED in meerkats, haha. Pictures, facts, etc. And my page song was "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Beddingfield lmao. Do you like living in the country or city better? Country, 100%. I'm not a city gal by any means. Do you have a big backyard? No, it's very small. Not used to that at all. What is your favorite Adam Sandler movie? I don't know, he's in too many to choose lmao. What was the last thing that surprised you? Apparently a rocket crashed today after launch. What color hair did your first crush have? Brown. Have you ever visited your state’s capitol building? No. I... didn't even know those existed lmao I feel dumb. Who was the last person that said something that warmed your heart? I'm not sure, but I'm quite certain my niece or nephew would be involved there, haha. What is your favorite park? I don't have one. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Do you believe anyone is asexual? ???????????? Yes???????????? Were you abused? No. Have you ever missed a deadline? Yeah. Can you tell Mary-Kate and Ashley apart in pictures? I haven't seen them in an eternity, idk. Describe your fondest memory: I don't really want to... but I'll entertain the question. It's hard to choose, and they just about all include Jason. I think what I hold closest though was our dance to "Stairway to Heaven" after prom in the headlights of his car in my front yard. It's something that physically hurts to remember. What song makes you cry every time you hear it? Let's set aside my "trigger songs" for this. "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade does it very easily. How often do you break your promises? I almost never do. I don't bullshit around with promises. I've only ever broken ones I'd forgotten I'd made, if my memory serves me right. How long do you take in the shower, on average? Not even 10 minutes. Do you have your MySpace/Facebook profile set to a "friends only" setting? Yes. Did your last kiss mean anything? Why or why not? Of course it did. I care very, very deeply for her. Are your summers usually boring and relaxing, or busy and interesting? "Summers are hot and miserable." <<<< mood Tell me a crazy thing you did as a child. I don't really think I did anything "crazy" as a child, just weird. Like pretending to be a father penguin arranging rocks to mock a nest. I was fuckin weird. How many best friends do you have? One. When you’re upset, who do you wanna talk to the most? Either Sara, Mom, or nobody. Opinion on Daughtry? They're nice. "No Surprise" is positively beautiful. Do you like country music? Noooooo. What’s been the most awkward situation you've been in? Okay, possible TMI. Basically, Jason's parents arrived home way, way earlier than they were supposed to and my panicky ass couldn't find my clothes quickly, and when I finally did, I had to dress as quickly as possible in his tiny-ass closet while he distracted his mom and dad lmfao. I'ma just say it was a very close call to me melting into a mortified puddle. I look back on it and laugh now, but the absolute, throbbing fear I felt was NOT funny back then lmfao. Don’t you love that feeling when you look at someone and you just melt? <3 That is genuinely one of the best feelings in the entire world. Do you prefer male or female singers? I have no preference. So what are you planning for this summer? Nothing, really... Who knows where the Covid situation will be then. What’s a good book? In general for absolutely anyone, Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. It is a book about pacifism that is so very deep and emotional. For women, I highly recommend The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. As a woman myself, the concept of the book is terrifying, to be reduced to reproduction machines without rights, so it's something you can really feel as a female. It's a book that definitely makes you want to fight for women's rights. Is it awkward for you when your parents talk to you about boys etc… No. I'm a grown woman. Now if she asked about my sex life (if I had one), I'd feel a bit weird, but not very. Do you like it when guys play with your hair? Yeah. Ever cried when you had to say goodbye to someone? Well of course. Over multiple people. Have your parents ever hated one of your boyfriends/girlfriends? No. Have you ever dreamt of someone you barely know? Indeed. Do you have a blood donor’s card? Yep. Have you ever taken a pregnancy test? I had to before surgery. Has anyone seen you naked in the last week? No. What kind of doctor did you go to the last time you went? It was via phone, but I talked with my psychiatrist a few days ago. Does your ex still think about you? I'm sure Sara and Girt do, as they're my good friends, but idk if either think of me romantically. I would hope Jason at least remembers me with some degree of care in his heart... As for Juan, Aaron, and Tyler, idk if they do and I don't really care. What has been bothering you a lot lately? My weight. Are you trustworthy? I think so, yes. Did your parents teach that white lies were ok? Yeah, but it definitely depends on the situation. Which literary character would you dress up as, if you had to choose one? Speaking of The Handmaid's Tale, for Halloween one year, I really, really want to take some cool photos of me dressed as a handmaid with a (obviously fake) blood splatter over my stomach. What (or who) is the best thing that ever happened to you? Being born with the mom I have, probably. I have no idea. None. Of where I'd be without her. Do you miss college? Sigh, sometimes... but I'm not going back. No chance. Dropping out three times due to my mental state hints at a clear pattern. Have you ever called a teacher “mom”? Yeah, accidentally. Except with my physical science teacher in HS that eventually became my "other mom" and most recently our landlord, even. I call her "Mama" sometimes. What was the name of your first imaginary friend? It was a wolf whose name I don't remember. What color was your nursery when you were a baby? No clue. What is your favorite arcade game? I desperately wanna go to a location that has Silent Hill: The Arcade. :/ That's on my bucket list. It's very rare. Are you allergic to grass? No. Do you remember to water plants? I don’t have any plants to water. What is your favorite fall drink? I don't drink any "fall" drinks. Favorite winter drink? Hot chocolate! Favorite spring drink? There are "spring" drinks? Favorite summer drink? Gimme a nice, cold margarita. Name three creative people you know. Sara, Tez, and Mini are some of the most creative people I've ever written with. Name 3 YouTubers you aspire to be like. Mark in like a million different ways, I look up greatly to Jeffree Star's work ethic (say what you will about him personally, but holy shit does mama WORK), and Emzotic for her incredible growth after trauma that's left her more confident than ever, and she's amazing with animals and just a darling overall. Does anyone know who your current crush is? Yeah, I'm pretty open about it. Have you ever been scammed? Not successfully, no. Which song describes your life? I relate to "Get Up" by Mother Mother a lot at this point in my life. If someone dislikes you, what is most likely to be the reason? Probably because I open up so slowly/am very secretive of myself when someone might be trying to get close. People have also criticized my laziness. Where did you meet the last person you swapped numbers with? YouTube. At least I think Tez was the last person I gave my number to. Who was the last person to add you as a friend on Facebook? Hunter, my neighbor growing up. Who was the last person that asked if you were okay? My therapist. I had to leave group due to severe abdominal cramping. It was just my period, but he just wanted to check. What was the last thing you bought from a vending machine? Probably a soda back when I was still in school. Has anyone given you butterflies recently? Actually yeah; I had a memory of Sara that caused 'em to revisit me. What was the name of the first person you ever had a crush on? Why did you like them? I'm going to exclude my puppy-dog crush (Dylan) and talk about my first "real" crush, Sebastian. I liked him because we had very similar interests, he was really friendly, nice, and funny, and he clearly trusted me a lot because he actually confided in me regarding the relationship he was in that was struggling and causing him a lot of pain. I thought he was attractive, too. Ngl, I wonder sometimes where we could have gone if he hadn't been dating the girl, because I'm 90% sure he was into me, too. In current times, he very recently got engaged! Super happy for him. Which parent do you identify with the most? My ma. What do you think you cook or bake the best? Scrambled eggs, I guess. That's just about all I CAN make, haha. My family likes 'em. I always use American cheese, salt, pepper, and a bit of hot sauce. What embarrasses you the most in front of other people? Admitting I RP. If you had to choose one thing you were most passionate about, what would it be and why? Of actually important things, gay rights. If we're talkin' passionate about anything, then the answer's meerkats, duh. Who are you most envious of—real or fictional—and why? A rival photographer that lives here. I absolutely hate admitting that, but yeah, I'm extremely envious of her. She gets way more traffic than I do by a long shot, even though I, from a completely modest and honest standpoint, genuinely think I do better work than her. It's just frustrating. All about who you know in this business. How old is the most expired item in your fridge? Supposedly our milk expired on the 1st, but it smells just fine? And mind you, I am very cautious with expiration dates, and I've found milk typically starts to smell bad a few days earlier than the date to me. This jug is an outlier. What are your favorite style of underwear? I'm a fat old lady that likes high-waisted underwear. What’s the saddest song you’ve ever heard? Maybe "The Ballad of Dwight Fry" by Alice Cooper. I could name tons, though. How about the sweetest song? Maybe "Easy to Love You" by Theory of a Deadman. Another song I struggle to listen to because it was one of mine and Jason's "songs." Do you know how to play dominoes? No. Are you proud of what you’re doing with your heart and time right now? Not in the least. Why or why not? I'm just wasting time. Doing nothing with true meaning, and I seem unable to get over this low point I'm in. How many bones have you broken? One. Well, I was told "fractured," but apparently that's the same thing as broken? Have you ever won anything? Big or small? Yeah, multiple things. What food will you absolutely not, under any circumstances, eat? Animals like cats or dogs. Pets, basically. I would feel WAY too weird. Has anything/anyone every saved your life before? Yes. What is one thing you’re embarrassed to admit you want to try? If I'm embarrassed by it, why would I share it with whoever reads these? What is the most important memory you have and why? When I decided it was truly time to move on from Jason. Why that's my most important is obvious: it changed my mindset and life in general. Is there something you wish you had said sorry for but never did? God, I hope Jason read my apology email I last sent him. I finally accepted I did wrong, too, and I want to know that he knows that. Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? My youngest niece's first birthday was mid-February. What’s a musical instrument you think sounds really beautiful? The violin. Do you play that instrument? I wish I could. Do you have a favorite type of pasta? (like a shape of noodles, not dish) Just spaghetti noodles, ig. How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Once. Who sent the last e-mail you got? My PHP therapist sent me the Zoom link to our group session. Do you have a favorite shape? Out of basic ones, circles. What’s the last song you bought/downloaded? I don't recall. Probably something by 3TEETH. Have you ever been on a trapeze? Hell nah. Do you buy chocolate after Valentine’s Day when it goes on sale? No. Do you personally know anyone who is an author? I met a poet at the psych hospital once. I also have an old friend who had something published in a magazine, I think. Do you own a polaroid camera? No, but I'd love to to take more ~aesthetic~ photographs sometimes. What is something you think is underrated? Snakes! :( They're not scary or gross, nor do they in any way deserve to be killed. I wish the worth of snakes was seen much more clearly. They are spectacular, intriguing animals. Around what temperature do you consider it to be too hot outside? Once it hits like 65*F, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. In what ways do you expect your life to be different one year from now? I hope beyond hope that I have a job I enjoy. And that I'm driving again. What’s a hobby you used to have, but don’t anymore? I used to loooove video editing, but I've lost all motivation for it. Do you have any exercise equipment in your home? Somewhere we have this one stretchy thing that I have no idea what it's called, then there are two sets of small weights somewhere. Where is the farthest north you’ve traveled to? New York. Farthest south? Florida. East? Well, ya can't go more east in NC unless you want to drive into the ocean... lol. West? Illinois. If you have/want children, will you raise them similar to the way you were raised? If I had kids, I would in some ways, but in a lot of other ways, no. Do you have any unusual decorations in your home? Nothing strange, no. What is the highest level math class you’ve completed? I don't know. Not very high. Do you have an ebook reader? (iPad, Kindle, etc.) No. What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes. Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? No. When was the last time you started a “new chapter” of your life? 2017, ig. What is the last random act of kindness you did? I guess you could consider a loving text to Sara a random act of kindness?

[templeofshame]

I really like your thoughts on the membership thing, and I wondered: how do you think dnp/any other YouTuber should generally earn money on YouTube? Do you like that the platform is free and that it only works because of ads? Why do you dislike voluntary direct payment more than everyone having to watching adds/#spons for their payment? And do you think that they are obligated to tell us how much money they make? Do you think millionaires shouldn't be able to earn more money at some point?

Probably no all around? I think there are a lot of problems with the advertising economy, but I also don’t have an across-the-board solution, and I don’t think that the problems with it affect D&P nearly as much as other people. Honestly, I don’t dislike voluntary direct payment as a system in general; if Youtube always worked that way across the board, I’d probably cool with it.  The thing for me is, Youtube covers such vastly different situations. A smaller Youtuber who uploads regularly and struggles to make ends meet or works other jobs is just a totally different thing to me than someone who could, with smart investing and fewer extravagant purchases, probably support themselves without ever making another video. I personally don’t have a problem with #spons as long as people don’t promote really terrible things (like if Jameela’s gonna go off at someone on Twitter I’m probably not okay with that #spon) and it allows them to make good content. I don’t think anyone owes me their financial info and I don’t think millionaires shouldn’t be able to make money (although I appreciate when some millionaires decide to give their adsense to charities or are explicit about projects that money is funding, but not everyone can be vlogbrothers). I just find it a bit squicky at a point for millionaires to ask for it from their fans for what seems like minimal extra effort. And I do think a lot of the issues I have are inherent in the way Youtube does it, and I’d probably feel better if Phil just had a ko-fi or a per-unit-of-content Patreon. 

I think my analyses probably make it sound like I feel more strongly than I do; what I feel is discomfort, not like outrage or something. And maybe we’ll see that Phil is really doing more as a result, and I’ll end up feeling better about it. Like, I will definitely give to the kickstarter of someone with a lot more money than me if I want to support (and get perks of) a cool project, and if this goes to a cool project, I’ll be psyched. He just hasn’t presented me with that expectation. (If Phil wanted to Kickstart a weird short film or something, I’d be down.)

I definitely want to be upfront about how much of my response is psychological, and also related to the timing of feeling strung along and having D&P taking away more than they deliver on. And I do, personally, experience a fair amount of unease around people spending what seem to me to be ridiculous amounts of money on things that I don’t value, and that’s something I’m working on, because I don’t want to judge anyone for spending money in a way that I can’t relate to. If $200 candles and $175 lunches make them happy and they can make it work for their finances, I don’t want to begrudge them that. (but… it also feels weird to me to ask for money in that circumstance. like if a friend asked me to pay for a movie night and then turned around and spent $200 on a candle i’d probably not be happy about it) But I also see a lot of amazing people in the phandom struggling to make ends meet, and it’s hard for me not to feel like there are places that $5 could do more good, inside and outside the phandom. Which is absolutely none of my business, because everyone chooses how we spend our own money, and I bought a Rolling Stones ticket with money I could have given to charity, and that’s how life kinda has to work often.

tldr: i’m generally uncomfortable with rich people, and not always in rational ways or ways that i’m proud of. but it would make me feel less weird about the whole thing if phil was like ‘btw i’m gonna use the membership $ to do a cool thing for you guys!’ or if they weren’t so rich, but hey, capitalism is a thing we have to deal with.

[paigewritestrash-blog]

Just One Yesterday - Aomine Daiki x OC

I wrote this when I was bored and thought of something really fucking angsty. Towards the very end I’m going to add a twist, making Midorima a witch sort of like the ones in AHS Coven. You’ll see why when you read.

Warnings: angst. lots of it.

My whole school life I spent my time in the shadows. I had a few friends, but none that I spent a lot of time with after school. I joined the women's baseball team this year at Touou after playing volleyball in middle school in hopes that I would make some friends while I play a different sport. After my older sister passed away a couple years ago, I didn't have much interest in making friends or being noticed by others. I have yet to spend a lot of time with my team mates, because I was sort of a ghost to them. That is until my boyfriend at the time had cheated on me. I broke up with him in the cafeteria when I found out through my acquaintance Momoi that he had been seen going to the movies with another girl. I dumped my food and my drink on his head, and proceeded to get suspended for two days. Was it worth it? Yes, and it was worth getting grounded by my parents too. Not only am I known now as the girl that dumped food on her ex, but as rumors circulate, they tend to get twisted. I'm also known as the girl who's boyfriend cheated on her with a woman twice my age. It's both disgusting and completely untrue. I used to wish I wasn't invisible to everyone at school. But now that I'm not, I regret ever wishing I was noticed. I want to go back to being a ghost. The judging eyes burn into me as I walk the halls and make me uncomfortable. "Kaori!" A boy calls out as I walk to lunch. I roll my eyes and keep walking. He runs to catch up with me, slightly breathing heavy as he looks down at me. I've seen him in a few of my classes. His hair is short and black, his eyes a bright blue. I can't recall his name because I don't pay much attention to people at school. "I was wondering if you wanted to go to dinner with me this Friday." He smiles. I watch him from the corner of my eye, his arm reaching around me. I swiftly duck away from his grasp, smacking his arm away. "No. And keep your arm to yourself. Next time I'll break it." I threaten with an ice cold tone. He seems taken aback. I leave him standing in shock as I walk towards the doors. I'm desperate to get away from here, at least for a second. The only place I can think of is the roof. I pull my phone and headphones from my bag, plugging them in and putting my music on shuffle. I climb the ladder to the roof, sliding my bag off of my shoulder and shoving my phone into my pocket. I sing along to the song I'm listening to, rejoicing the fact that I'm alone, and no one can hear or see me. Though I don't understand the words to the song I'm singing, because it's English, I sing it anyways. I pronounce the words the best I can. In the midst of my enjoyment, I find myself dancing to the upbeat electronic tune. It's not until I open my eyes at the end of the song that I see someone standing at the edge of the roof, watching me with an annoyed look. My face immediately turns red as the boy scans me up and down. I take out my headphones as he starts to speak. "Are you done? I came here to nap." He mumbles in annoyance. I raise a brow. How could this boy be so harsh to me without meeting me? "Maybe. If you can check your attitude." I cross my arms across my chest, sending him a cold stare to match the one he gives me. He groans, stretching his arms out over his head. The boy yawns. "I don't feel like arguing with some girl. If your singing and, whatever you were doing, matters that much, I'll find somewhere else to sleep." "Hey!" I cry out, unfolding my arms. I stomp my foot and clench my fists.  "I'll have you know that my dancing is great! And you're not the only one that wants to get away from school." I point a finger at him, narrowing my brows. "I'm sure you've heard the rumors about me." He takes a look at me once more, then shakes his head. "I don't care about school drama, or people at school." He sounds dull. I watch him look over to my bag where my bento has fallen out, probably after I tossed it to the ground. "I might forgive you for invading my space if you let me see what you brought for lunch." I roll my eyes. I never eat my lunch as it is. I hand the bento to him. "Help yourself." I think I see a hint of a smile on his face as he tears it open. He doesn't look over the food for long before digging in and sitting down, crossing his legs pretzel style. "You can continue whatever you were doing." He says through a mouthful of food. I scoff. "I'm so glad I have your permission, um...." I trail off, realizing I don't even know his name. I recognize him from the basketball team, however. I see him around Momoi a lot. "What's your name?" "Aomine." He mumbles, not taking his eyes from the food. Aomine Daiki.... He's been friends with Momoi since I can remember. People used to think they were a couple for a while. I smile. "I'm Kaori. And for the future, I'm going to come here again. So if you want to avoid me, you might want to reschedule." "Reschedule?" He cries out. Bits of food fly out of his mouth and I scrunch my nose in disgust. Boys. "I've been coming here since the first day! I'm not moving my nap times, either." I roll my eyes and flop down on the roof, crossing my legs. "Then you're stuck with me." I grin. "If I keep giving you my lunch, will you compromise and share this spot with me?" He doesn't hesitate. "Sure. Whoever cooked this, they should continue for the future." He looks to me, motioning his pointer finger to the bento, that's already almost gone. I smile wide, feeling warm inside at the compliment. "I cooked it, actually. So thank you." I beam with pride. I've never been recognized for my cooking. My parents work a lot, and they leave for business trips a lot. So I'm often left to cook for myself. "You're an impressive cook." He mutters. He sets the empty box beside him, wiping his face with his sleeve and proceeding to lean back on his palms. "I've seen you around before... Are you on a sports team?" He furrows his brows together, scanning my face. "I'm the ace of the baseball team." I beam, suddenly feeling proud of myself. "I used to play basketball a lot in my free time, so you may have seen me around parks and such." He thinks for a moment. "Could be. So you like basketball?" "Of course!" I grin. "I love running around the court, and scoring a point is so exhilarating! I love everything about sports." I have a lot of energy, though I don't let that off with my personality. I don't get hyped up unless I'm talking about something I enjoy. "Although, I'm a lot better at baseball than basketball. I'd beat anyone in a pitching contest, and I could score a home run with any fast pitch." I say with confidence. I have amazing hand-eye coordination, and I can tell how fast the ball is coming at me with ease. I'm a force to be reckoned with on the field. "I'd love to see you live up to those words, Kaori." He smirks. "When's the next game?" I raise a brow at him. "Next Monday... Are you sure? I don't see you as enjoying any other sport besides basketball." "I don't, for the most part." He runs his fingers through his hair, heaving a sigh. "But I don't like people with mouths that are bigger than they are." I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, signalling I need to head back inside for class. I smile to Aomine. "Trust me, I would never say something I can't live up to. You'll see next week, Dai-chan!" He's immediately taken back, his face turning to an outraged expression. "Don't give me a nickname, we just met!" He cries out. I wink. "I'll see you tomorrow. If you want my lunch, that is." I grab my bag, slinging it over my shoulder. I wave a goodbye to Aomine, climbing down the ladder. I'm not sure why I'm so excited for him to watch me play. My parents never come to my games, so the idea of having someone there specifically to watch me makes me overwhelmed with happiness. ***** The following days I returned to the roof at that time, as did Aomine. His first question upon arrival for the first two days afterwards were strictly food-based. He would continuously praise my food, and we would talk about whatever came to mind. We both laid back on the roof, staring at the bright blue sky. "You said there were rumors going around about you, right?" Aomine breaks the silence. "Yeah..." I trail off. "Why? What did you hear?" If he heard some of the things that have been circulating, I doubt he would be here. I heard from one of my team mates I supposedly got an STD from my ex... I was disgusted. In order to contract one of those you have to do something with the other person, right? "Nothing. I was just wondering what this school could have possibly conjured up about you." He says simply, not taking his eyes from the sky. I roll over onto my side, propping up on my elbow and resting my head in my palm. "Well, it started when I dumped food on my cheating ex in the cafeteria after Momoi told me he was seen going to the movies with another girl." I smile, remembering the shocked look on his face as I called him a liar and gave him a face full of piping hot food. "I remember seeing that." Aomine laughs at the thought as well. "I didn't think that was you, though." He turns his head to look at me now. "It was." I grin. "But, after that rumor got out that the girl he cheated on me with was twice my age, which wasn't true." "Gross." He scrunches his face in disgust. "Unless she had big tits, then I'd get it." I roll my eyes at his comment. "It gets more disgusting. People are saying that I got an STD from him now." "Ew!" He sits up quickly and looks at me with a gaping mouth. "You don't... Do you?" "Dai-chan!" I punch him in the arm, which hurts my hand as much as I hurt him. "Of course I don't! I didn't even sleep with him." Daiki rubs where I hit with a frown. "Okay, sheesh... But you know, you shouldn't care much about what people say. It's high school, everyone will forget in a couple weeks." I heave a sigh. "I hope so. I've gotten so many guys trying to talk to me because of this." Daiki's head snaps toward me. "What do you tell them?" He asks. He watches me closely, and I give him a confused look. "I tell them to piss off... I don't want some random guy who I've never talked to taking me on a date." I grumble. "It's weird." "Yeah... Really weird." Daiki scratches the back of his neck, lying back down on the roof. "Those guys just care because of the rumors they hear." I nod. That's why I didn't pay them any mind. My phone buzzes, reminding us we need to get going. Daiki and I groan with irritation in unison. He sits up, and we both reach for my phone. Our hands brush in the midst of it, and I feel my face grow hot as he quickly snatches his hand back. I shut off the alarm and shove my phone back into my pocket. "Back to the chamber of torture." I grumble. I hear a small laugh from Daiki and I feel a sense of accomplishment. He doesn't seem to smile or laugh often, so when I'm the cause of that, I can't help but feel happy. "Hey, uh, Kaori?" Daiki stops me before we go separate ways to class. "The basketball team is entering the Interhigh prelims... I wanted to invite you to a game on Friday-" "I'd love to!" I cut him off, thrilled that he'd ask me. I stand on my tip toes to attempt to ruffle his hair, just barely reaching. I mess up his hair slightly. "I'm honored you asked, Dai-chan! I'll definitely be there." He huffs, fixing his hair reluctantly. "I'll look forward to it." I can see a small smile forming at the corners of his mouth, which only grows wider when we make eye contact. "I should get to class, but I'll see you tomorrow, Daiki!" I give him a warm smile, and he nods at me. "Have a good day, Kaori." He waves goodbye, and as I walk away I can't help but smile to myself. Daiki is the first person I feel like I've developed a friendship with. He's the last person I thought I would befriend, because when I see him around he always looks so bored and disinterested. Even with Momoi, he doesn't seem to want to be there. But with me, it's different. He actually asks me questions and seems interested in our conversations, though I'm not sure why. I appreciate every moment we've spent together. I've enjoyed myself more with him than anyone else. I overflow with excitement knowing that I'll see him tomorrow, and that we're attending one another's sports events. For once in my high school baseball career, I'm going to practice. I want to amaze Daiki. ***** Watching basketball usually bores me, but watching Daiki play was invigorating. He has undeniable talent, and then some. Touou absolutely crushed the opposing team, as I expected within the first quarter. The difference in strength was far too great, and Touou will advance in the prelims. I leave my seat and find Daiki walking the halls. "Congratulations!" I call out to him. His attention averts to me quickly, and I can see the corners of his mouth twitching into a grin. I run up to him, flinging my arms around him. He's sweaty and warm, but I don't mind. He's taken back at first, but he hugs me back. "You guys dominated out there! And your plays were flawless!" I overflow with excitement, letting go to look up at him. His expression seems kind of bored, as usual. "I know. I've been undefeated since middle school." I frown. "So none of the games you've played have been challenging?" I raise a brow. He starts to walk toward the exit, and I walk next to him. "No one can match my strength. That game you just watched? I didn't even give my all. I don't think I'll ever find someone that can make me put effort into a game." He sounds disappointed when he says this. I know he loves basketball, because if he didn't he would have quit long ago. I sort of feel for him, because that's why I quit playing volleyball and didn't join it this year. I got too good, and I didn't love the sport anymore. So I started practicing baseball over the summer. I pick up things easily and perfect them quickly. I became the ace of the team very fast, and I fell in love with playing the sport. The thrill of running to the bases and sliding to home before getting struck out, it's invigorating. I frown, looking up at him. "Someone will come around and test your strength, Daiki. You just have to be patient." I smile, trying to be optimistic for him. "It could be this year, for all you know!" He sighs. "I don't know. Maybe." I change the subject quickly, seeing as he's not very interested in it. "We should go get milkshakes to celebrate your win!" I exclaim. "I'll buy." His face lightens up a bit and he nods. "I'm in." ***** When we got our food at Maji Burger before I could get money from my bag, Daiki ended up paying for our drinks, and his food. We talked for so long that we had lost track of the time, and the workers warned us that they would be closing soon. That night he walked me home, and I could feel the mood between the two of us changing. He didn't seem bored when I would ramble about certain topics. He would listen to me intently, and sometimes ask questions. That weekend I got invited by Momoi go shopping with the two of them. She claimed he'd be more willing to go if he knew I was coming. I reluctantly went, sort of excited to go shopping with Momoi and Daiki. This must mean I've made two new friends. While shopping Momoi and I walked around the mall, excitedly going through stores and picking out clothes for one another. Daiki trudged behind us, complaining most of the time and asking when we would get to the food court. However the excitement from the weekend came to an end Monday, when I realized that my game was today. I've never gotten nervous before a game, but knowing that Daiki will be watching is making me strive to do the best I can and give it my all. When I actually show up to the game early, my teammates are in shock. "What're you doing here so early, Kaori?" I shrug, grabbing my bat from my bag. "I figured I'd actually go all out in this game." I twirl the bat in my hand, heading towards the field. A basket of baseballs already sits from practice earlier that day. I swing the bat a few times before actually grabbing a ball and tossing it into the air. I hit it dead on, and the ball soars across the field. I repeat the process and each time I don't miss the ball. I'm filled with confidence, just in time for the seats to fill up and for the opposing team to arrive. I end the game with four home runs, and I even sent a ball completely out of the stadium as well. I struck out all but one person I pitched to. My opponents sent curve balls, high balls, and even fast ones at me. None can get past my close eye. I definitely put my all into the game. Daiki finds me after the game as the crowd flows out of the stadium. "Kaori! You were so cool out there!" He exclaims. I've never seen him this excited, so I'm taken back. I laugh nervously. "You really think so?" I scratch the back of my neck, looking at my feet. "Yes! You hit a home run each time you were up to bat, and no matter what they threw at you, you saw through it!" He makes elaborate motions with his hands. "That curve ball, you were like swish! with the bat, and woosh! with that pitch! It was like I blinked and the ball was already in the umpire's mitt!" I can't help but laugh at how excited he's gotten over me playing. "I'm glad you enjoyed yourself then." I can feel my cheeks turning red, flattered at the fact that I amazed him. Daiki is a very aloof and laid back person, for him to be excited over something I did? I can't believe it. "Um, my parents are away on a business trip, if you want to come back to my place for something to eat..." I trail off, not sure where I was going with the sentence. He raises a brow. "Sure." The corners of his mouth twitch into a smile as I throw my bag over my shoulder, and we both walk towards the direction of my house. After I made food for the both of us, I show Daiki the place I go to relax. My roof. I grab a blanket and lay it across the roof. The two of us lay down beside one another, taking a deep exhale as we stare up at the sky. "If you could have any power, Daiki, what would you pick?" I ask, not looking away from the stars in the sky. He thinks for a moment. "Time control. I could get hours of sleep, and resume time as if nothing happened." He says it so simply, as if he's thought this through completely. "You could pause time, zoom past someone on the court, and bam! You win the game easily." He hesitates. "I wouldn't need a power for winning though. I already have that ability." He scoffs. I laugh, pondering the possibilities of powers I could have. "I would want to have the power to teleport. If I'm late for school? No worries! I can just teleport there. And you wouldn't have to worry about plane tickets!" I exclaim. A small snicker comes from Daiki. "Do you think you could teleport to space, though?" "Oh, you bet!" I sit up, excitement flowing through me at the thought of going to space. "I'd teleport to a spaceship on the moon! Astronauts would be in for such a treat." I grin. The thought of leaving the atmosphere gives me a thrill. I want to explore the world and then some. Knowing there's stuff outside this Earth that we can't touch or see, it's fascinating. I can feel Daiki's eyes on me as I stare up at the twinkling stars, but I don't mind. "It's so beautiful out here, don't you think?" I turn back to look at him, and he wears a content smile. "It's breathtaking." He smiles at me, and my heart begins to race. I can't ignore how he makes me feel. The way he makes my stomach do flips and the way I get lost in our conversations... It gets stronger everyday. I turn my attention back to the sky, laying back down on the blanket. "Kaori, do your parents travel often?" He asks. "Yeah." I sigh. "That's how I became such a good cook. I've had to cook for myself for a while." "They'd leave you by yourself even as a child?" Daiki seems exasperated at this. I giggle slightly, turning on my side to look at him. He's already watching me, his hands folded behind his head. "No, of course not. My older sister used to be here to stay with me..." I trail off, not wanting to drag the mood down. He furrows his brows together. "Where is she now?" I swallow hard, looking away and back up at the stars. I'm not sure if I should tell him or not... I haven't really opened up to anyone about my sister's death. I hardly talked to my parents about it, let alone someone I met a week ago. Daiki senses something's wrong, because he clears his throat. "If it's a hard topic, you don't have to answer me, Kaori." I heave a sigh. I want to tell him, though. "She died a couple years ago. I was fourteen at the time." "Oh... Um, I'm... Sorry you had to go through that." His tone is solemn. I shake my head. "It's fine. I'm okay." I laugh nervously. In the midst of my thinking, I must have gripped the blanket for some sort of release or comfort. My knuckles are white and the blanket is crumpled. I hear Daiki sigh, and I can feel him scoot closer to me. I feel a sudden warmth on my hand, his hand slipping in mine. He intertwines our fingers without a word, and I don't dare to say anything either. I just squeeze his hand. I assume this is his way of comforting me. Words don't seem to be Daiki's forte. "Thank you." I whisper. I'm not exactly sure what I'm thanking him for. For being the first real friend I've had, or for giving me some sort of comfort... I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm grateful. He squeezes my hand tight. I can feel the warmth radiating from him, warming me in the cold night air. Exhaustion from my game is setting in, and with the warmth of Daiki next to me and the comfort of my own home, I can't fight my eyes as they force themselves closed. ***** As Winter draws closer and closer, Daiki and I do the same. The three of us, including Momoi, have become really good friends. I feel like I belong somewhere finally. Baseball season is over, just in time for the basketball team to start practicing for the Winter Cup. Daiki skips practice to spend time on the roof with me. He doesn't seem to care for practice, because he claims he doesn't need it. I don't think he does either, seeing his true strength during the Interhigh. He claims even then, he didn't give it his all. This weekend, I invited Daiki to my house. The air between the two of us is different lately. I obviously have feelings for him, and I think he's felt the same for a while too. Neither of us have yet to make the first move or come out to the other, so if he doesn't do so tonight, I'll take it upon myself. I sing along and dance to a song I play while I finish cooking food for the both of us, using my spoon as a microphone. I whirl around mid-song to see Daiki watching me with a content smile spread on his face. "Daiki!" I jump, throwing the spoon I held into the air. It lands on the ground with a loud crash, and Daiki muffles a laugh. "You can't sneak up on me like that." I frown. "What if I were in my underwear or something?" Daiki smirks. "That'd be a sight worth seeing." My face heats up as I pick up the spoon I had dropped, tossing it into the sink. I make a plate for him, and one for myself too. "Since you picked the movies last weekend, I picked the movies this weekend." I smile, excited to see his reaction to the movies I chose. He follows me to the living room. The play screen sits, showing the name of the movie: High School Musical. "A musical?" He groans, sitting down on his usual place on the couch. I sit down beside him, grabbing the remote. "Yes, a musical. No complaining, either! I didn't complain when you chose a movie from the '50s with Marilyn Monroe in it." I point out. He heaves a sigh, knowing that I'm right. I press play and the two of us silently enjoy our food as the movie starts. After we both finish eating, I take our dishes to the kitchen and shut off all of the lights. I grab a blanket from the back of the couch. When I offer some to Daiki, he shakes his head. "I'm warm enough." He waves a dismissing hand at me, not taking his eyes from the screen. He seems to be enjoying the movie, which makes me warm inside. I snuggle into my spot on the couch, enveloping myself in my blanket. It's dark and Daiki isn't paying attention to what I'm doing... Now's my chance. I lay my head on his shoulder, his body radiating warmth to my cheek. He tenses for a moment, and I can feel him look down at me. Daiki's arm wraps around my shoulder though, making me more comfortable. While the movie plays, I end up singing every song. Needless to say, I love these movies. Daiki doesn't seem to mind that I sing, seeing as I do it all the time anyway. The feeling of being so close to him makes my heart race. I don't want this moment to be interrupted. I could fall asleep being held so close to him. I wrap my arm around his torso, hugging him closer. My face burns, and I silently thank that I turned off the lights so he can't see my bright red face. Daiki seems to relax in my touch, exhaling deeply and putting his feet on the coffee table. By the end of the movie I could feel myself drifting to sleep, but the ending credits woke me from my daze. I pull away from Daiki, the both of us stretching in unison. He yawns, which causes me to yawn as well. "Did you like it?" I ask with a hopeful look. He gives me a small smile. "I did. Are there more?" "Two more! We can watch them, if you want? The other two are a lot better," I explain excitedly. Daiki watches me intently. "The last one is the best by far. It captures the struggle of not knowing what you want to do in life, and Troy and Gabriela experience more relationship issues." I wiggle my brows at the last part. Daiki snorts. "I'd love to watch them with you." He says calmly. He holds eye contact with me, his eyes flitting to my lips and back to me. I wait for him to make a move. He takes me by surprise when he grabs my face, pulling me to his. The kiss is hesitant at first, but I quickly kiss him back. This is what I've wanted since we became friends. Our lips move in sync, both of us breathing heavy. I'm caught between wanting to keep going and stopping before this goes too far. I guess Daiki thought the same, because he pulls away. His hands have dropped to my shoulders. This time he smiles wide, his eyes twinkling even through the light of the TV. I can't help but smile and laugh nervously at what just happened. My face is probably bright red. "Sorry if I uh... Took you by surprise..." He drops his hands to his sides. I shake my head. "It's okay. I've wanted you to do that for a long time, actually..." I look down at my lap. "Me too, Kaori." He wipes his palms on his pants and clears his throat. "Movie number two!" I exclaim, breaking the tension. "Shall we?" I ask him with a giddy grin, and he simply nods. "Bring it on."

Shortly after that night Daiki and I decided to start dating. Momoi was the one to call it first, as she always said we would when the three of us were together. It's the first couple of days at school as we're open with the fact we're together, holding hands in the hallway, brief kisses, the usual. It's been about a month since I broke up with my ex in the cafeteria, and a month of ignoring his constant texts and phone calls. Once I started getting close with Daiki, it seems he realized that I really was done with him. But it seems that he doesn't take the hint, because when I open my locker that day, it's filled with roses. "Daiki! Did you do this?" I exclaim, looking at him with an excited grin. Though he doesn't look happy. In fact, he seems furious, as he's let go of my hand to clench his fists. "It wasn't me." He says through gritted teeth. I tilt my head at him in confusion. It takes a moment for it to click when I see my favorite types of chocolate sitting in my locker buried under the roses. I pick up the chocolates, and on it reads a note: Meet me after school at our old spot if you feel the same. I start to match Daiki's fury. "Does he not understand that I'm with you now?" I throw the chocolates onto the ground, my shouting causing everyone to look towards me. I hop up and down on the chocolates. "I. Don't. Want. You!" I scream out with every jump. I can hear a small snicker coming from Daiki. He's been good at keeping his calm over this whole thing. I've had him respond to multiple texts from my ex, but he doesn't seem to care. He wants me back. I heave a sigh and pick up all of the roses and the chocolates. There were at least thirty. I throw them into the garbage. "This guy is pissing me off, Kaori. We have to do something..." His fists are clenched tightly, his knuckles turning pale. "If he keeps doing this shit I'll kill him." I think for a moment. Our usual spot is by the river downtown. We used to sit on the fence and talk for hours. "I'll meet him at our usual spot like he said, and I'll make sure he gets it through his head." I reassure Daiki, grabbing his balled up fist. He exhales deeply, intertwining his fingers with mine. "I hope so. Because you're my girlfriend. He lost his chance." He seems more calm now that I've reassured him, but I can tell how jealous this is making him. This is infuriating to me too, however. Before Daiki and I started getting serious about our feelings toward the other, I didn't mind the texts from my ex. I would block his number, block him on social media, and so forth. But he continued to find a way to harass me. This will come to an end tonight after school. I'm sure of it. ***** When I arrive at our old spot, Shou sits on the wooden fence already. His eyes meet mine and my stomach drops. His smile makes me want to shove him off of the fence and into the water. I stand beside him, crossing my arms across my chest. He opens his mouth to speak, but I stop him. "This is the last time I'll tell you this, Shou. So are you listening?" I look him the eye, my tone firm and stern. I'm making my point clear, and if it doesn't get through to him, I fear Daiki may step in. Shou nods. "I don't want to be with you. You broke my heart and you ruined the one chance you ever had. If you ever make a romantic advance towards me again, I won't let it fly." I glare at him now, recalling the thirty roses he put in my locker. "If you love me so much, you should've shown it when we were together instead of giving love that was supposed to be for me, to some other girl. I didn't deserve that, Shou. I loved you with all I had." "I'm so sorry, it was a mistake-" "A mistake that can't be taken back. So don't you ever get an idea that I may want you back. Because I don't. Am I clear?" "Kaori... Just listen to me, I love you! I always have," his face contorts with sadness, his eyes welling with tears. "I regret what I did... It eats me up everyday." I roll my eyes. "You won't convince me." I decide to sit beside him on the fence, and put a hand on his shoulder. "I do forgive you for what you did. I met someone because of that." I smile at him, and he looks up to me with a small smile. "You forgive me?" He sounds hopeful. I nod. Before I can blink I feel his lips on mine. I shove him back so hard that he wobbles on the fence. "Shou, what the hell?" I scream. "You said you forgave me." He frowns. "And that I met someone else! Do you not understand that I have a boyfriend? A boyfriend that's so much better than you ever were, might I add." I'm fuming now, jabbing his chest with my fingernail. "He makes me feel loved and he makes me happy! Two things you could never do, and oh, don't even get me started on how great he is-" Something hits my cheek, causing it to sting. I bite my tongue in the process, my head tilted to the side and my jaw gaping. My mouth fills with the metallic taste of blood. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I don't know what I was thinking..." Shou stands up on the wooden slats of the fence, but I stop him. "You crossed a line." I'm even more furious than before. He had no reason to hit me. I may have provoked him, but I couldn't see another way to get it through his thick skull. I lift my leg and kick him in the stomach. Hard. He cries out in pain, clutching his stomach. He stumbles on the fence and I watch him splash into the water. I fight the urge to laugh at him as he curses, pulling himself out of the muddy, shallow waters. "Don't look at me, don't speak to me, and don't you ever touch me again. My boyfriend isn't the only person you have to be afraid of." I climb off of the fence. His face has dropped as he stands in the water. I think he gets it. When I get back to my house, Daiki waits for me outside. He leans up against the side of my home, sleeping soundly. He truly can sleep anywhere. I touch his shoulder, leaning over to whisper in his ear. "Daiki!" I shout. He sits up quickly, his head smacking mine in the process. I'm knocked backwards onto my butt, clutching my forehead. "Babe I'm so sorry! I just reacted!" He rushes to my side, but I just let out a laugh. I heave a sigh of relief. After the encounter with my ex, it feels good to be with someone I'm comfortable with. His concerned expression just grows deeper when he sees the redness of my cheek. "What the hell happened?" His voice is low and threatening. I smile, remembering how well I defended myself. "He tried to kiss me, and in response I got mad, as I do." I shrug. "He slapped me, and I kicked him in the stomach. He fell into the water, and I warned him that you're not the only person he should be afraid of." Daiki doesn't seem to be any less angry though. "He hit you?" I can almost see the steam rolling off of him, his teeth gritted in anger. He stands quickly and starts to walk. Shit. I run after him, grabbing his arm. He just shakes me off and continues to stomp down the street. I stop him the only way I know how. I jump on his back, covering his eyes with my hands. "Damn it, Kaori, get off of me!" Daiki roars. "I'm gonna kill this kid!" He pries my hands off of his eyes and continues to walk. I karate chop the top of Daiki's head. "You're not going to do anything, Aomine Daiki! I took care of it." I put my fist on top of his hand and push down, twisting it. "Stop walking you navy blue bastard!" "Ow!" He cries. He slides me off of his back, turning to look at me with a frown. "Are you sure you took care of it?" I laugh. "Daiki, you should've heard how hard I kicked him. I think I heard him throwing up as I walked away." That brings a small smile to his face. "And plus, he fell into muddy water. He was filthy, Daiki! He had to walk home like that." I laugh mid-sentence just looking back at the look on his face. I grab Daiki's hands, kissing his knuckles. "I'm strong, babe. I can defend myself, although I appreciate you wanting to stand up for me." His frown turns into a pout as he sighs deeply. "Okay, Kaori. I trust you." He pulls me into his embrace, hugging me tightly. He doesn't say he cares about me, but by the small things he does, I know how he feels. I love the posts he makes about me on social media, the stuffed animals he wins in crane machines for me, and when he watches my favorite things without complaining. I pull away from him only a little to look up at him, his arms slinking around my waist. "Can I tell you something?" "Hm.. Is it something good?" He asks. "It's just that... I'm in love with you. Nothing special." I wink, giving him a toothy grin. I watch his mouth twist into a smile as his grip on my waist tightens, pulling me closer. "Me too, Kaori." I furrow my brows together. I want him to actually say it. I push him a little. "You're in love with yourself too? I knew that already." I play dumb, tilting my head to the side. Daiki grumbles. "I'm... in love with you, too." He says quietly. I smile so wide my cheeks hurt. I stand on my tip toes to kiss him deeply. He kisses back instantly, a small hum coming from his throat when we break apart, his eyes still shut. Though it's still early in the relationship, I have a feeling this is a start of something good. We balance one another out really well. I feel like I've finally found peace and happiness in my life, something I longed for since my relationship with Shou started to decline. I have a feeling this will last. The happiness I feel when I'm with him is something I can't put into words. ***** After losing to Seirin, Daiki became a lot more focused on basketball. Now that he knows there are still people out there that he can battle at full strength, I think it's driven him to work harder. And that he has. We've finished our second year of high school, and Daiki has joined a street basketball team this summer with the Miracles, Kagami, and Kuroko. They plan to beat a team named Jabberwock, from America. They came to Japan and threatened our street teams with their undeniable strength and harsh play. We walk down the street to the gym they use for practice. Daiki and I stopped for ice cream on the way, the two of us trying to finish our cones before we arrive. I contently ride on Daiki's back, my legs locked around his torso tightly. I hold myself up by his shoulders. I watch my ice cream start to drip in the beating UV rays of summer. Before I can open my mouth to warn my boyfriend, a scoop of ice cream slides onto his head. He quickly shakes his head, and I immediately slide off of his back so he can freak out more freely. I hide a laugh as the scoop falls off of his head and splashes to the ground. He touches his head, then turns to me with an exasperated expression. "Kaori!' He screams, dragging out the vowels in my name has he throws his arms into the air. He throws his ice cream cone onto the ground in his outrage. "I'm going to be so sticky because of you! How could you miss it falling onto my head?" He shouts. I have to chew on my lip to fight the laughter that builds up. "I-I'm sorry.... Babe it just happened..." My snickering comes out when I speak, and Daiki looks at me with a frown. "My hair is all sticky now!" He cries. "I can't believe this. And now I don't have ice cream!" He scoffs. I sigh. "You can have mine. And," I pull a bottle of water from my bag. "Rinse your hair with this." A small smile forms on his face as he takes the water. "Aw, Kaori... I love you." He kisses the top of my head, cracking open the bottle of water. ***** After I began my third year of high school, my parents decided that I was old enough to take care of myself, as I had done it for all of these years as it is. They claimed they bought a place in the next town over, and they left the apartment to me. I love living alone, and Daiki basically lives here now. His parents don't seem to mind that he stays here, they just want him to come home after school to eat dinner with them. Part of me hates eating alone, but I understand that Daiki is close to his parents, since he's an only child. When Daiki comes home I'm finishing up cleaning the apartment. I sing along to the music that plays and dance around the living room in my underwear and his old Touou basketball jersey from our first year of high school. Daiki exhales loudly as he takes off his shoes and coat. He even slips off his jeans, kicking them off in the doorway. I laugh, "Long day?" I ask. "Something like that." He mutters. Daiki looks to me, his exhausted expression seeming a little livelier as his arms wrap around me, pulling me into a tight hug. "Are you okay?" I ask, hugging him back tightly, relishing in his warmth and the comforting smell of his cologne. "I am now." He pulls away to look down at me, kissing my nose. "Well," I rest my head on his chest again, squeezing my arms around him. "If you want to talk about it I'll be here to listen to you." He shakes his head. "My parents don't agree with some of the decisions I've made." His hand rubs my back soothingly. "But I don't care." I pull away to look at him, obviously confused. "What decisions? Do your parents not like me?" He gives a small scoff. "Not that... I just-" Daiki shakes his head. "You'll find out soon, okay?" My brows knit together in confusion and I pull away from him completely. "Is it a surprise for me?" He's very good at keeping secrets. Daiki just shrugs, trudging across the room to grab his jeans he had kicked off. He disappears into our room, leaving me to ponder what he could possibly be planning. For our second year anniversary, Daiki takes me to my favorite restaurant. It's extremely expensive so we only got to go once with money my parents had given me, but this time, he insists he's going pay. Daiki showed up to the restaurant with a very large bouquet of flowers and my favorite candy too. I bought him a very nice and expensive watch, because he seems to always arrive late to functions. But tonight, he was right on time with a wide smile on his face. "Happy anniversary, babe." He kisses my lips gently before taking a seat across from me. "I can't wait to give you your gift, so I'm going to give it to you now." He grins, though his aura has turned anxious. Daiki pulls a box from his pocket. "I'm not proposing or anything." He laughs nervously, scratching the back of his neck as he hands the box to me. "But I am promising that I will, someday." I open the box to see a beautiful stone that's turquoise, my birthstone. It's surrounded by two other white diamonds, the band silver. "I uh, had to guess the ring size... So we can take it to get fitted-" I slide it on, and it fits perfectly. I look at it under the lights with a bright smile. "I love it, Daiki!" I smile, leaning across the table to kiss him multiple times. "This is beautiful, and I promise that we'll get married someday." I reach under my chair and give him my present, put in a small bright blue bag with tissue paper. "Aw, Kaori, you didn't have to..." He tries to hide his excitement as he rips into the bag, tossing the paper onto the floor like a child. He opens the larger box to reveal a gold watch. His jaw drops. "How much did you spend on this, babe?" I shake my head. "Probably as much as you spent on this ring." The two of us had gotten jobs in our second year for a sense of independence. I work at a small retail shop, and Daiki works in a sports store, shockingly. Daiki puts on the watch and beams at it under the lighting of the restaurant. "I love it! Now I won't be late to everything." He grins at me from across the table. I hope when I'm older I can look back on this moment. I want to be able to remember the way I felt when Daiki and I first kissed. The butterflies I still get when he smiles at me, the way my heart races when he kisses me. I want to remember it all. And most of all, I want to remember him. ***** After high school, Daiki got recruited by the NBA team the Cleveland Caviliers. I'm moving with him to America for training camp in a month. He's attending the same school as Kagami, who got recruited his second year of high school. I'll be going to a college in America with a scholarship with softball (what they call women's baseball). I'm still undefeated and continue to get better at the sport. Until we can move, however, I'm working as much as I can to have money to transfer to US dollars. It's towards closing time, and the store is getting slow with customers. I walk around, refolding clothes that have gotten messed up, and putting things back where they belong. The bell on the door rings, and I whirl around expecting a customer. A man with a gun walks in, aiming the gun at me as he locks the door. "Don't try anything and I won't shoot." His voice is low and threatening. I nod slowly, watching as he walks through the store. He slips up and takes an eye off of me, and I run to the cash register. I pull a bat out from underneath the counter that I keep there in case of a time like this. I grab it just in time for him to turn to me. The gunshot is louder than I expected. It makes my ears ring and I'm crying out in agony before I can process what had happened. My hands hold my chest that gushes with blood, my lungs constricting and struggling to fill with air again and again. I slink to the ground as the man steps over me, punching the register open and shoving money into a bag. "You won't... Get away." I say through my struggle to breathe. My phone lays on the counter, and so does the landline. The man sees my eyes, and he shoves my phone into his pocket and rips the cord off of the landline phone. Now what? I start to think of Daiki as I realize I might die here. What will he do? I won't be there to see him succeed. "I won't leave you to die, sweetheart. Just suffer a little bit." I don't want to die. I want to see Daiki one last time. I want to hear his voice. I want to see his smile. I want to hear him laugh at my jokes. I want to tell him I love him. The man's sinister laugh however is the last thing I hear before my eyes force themselves shut. *Aomine's POV* I had been sleeping soundly when I get a call from a random number. It's late, and I notice that Kaori isn't home yet, either. My heart immediately begins to race as I put the two pieces together. I sit up and answer the phone. "Aomine, come to the hospital." It's her father. "Wh-Why?" I ask, standing up. I turn on the bedside lamp as I put on pants, holding the phone to my ear with my shoulder. "Is Kaori okay?" "We don't know. Just come." He says. And with that he hangs up. Her dad never cared for me much, but he sounds distressed. He's not one to show much emotion. I slip on a shirt as well, cramming my phone into my pocket and grabbing my car keys. I make the drive quickly, and I was lead to a waiting room for surgery. Her parents explain that her store was robbed, and in an attempt to defend herself, the man shot her. It could be hours before her surgery is completed, therefore hours before I know if she'll live or not. I twirl the watch on my wrist that she had gotten me a year ago for our anniversary. I can't bare to never see her again... I must have fallen asleep in the waiting room, because a door clicking shut wakes me. Kaori's parents are looking to a man who appears to be the surgeon. "The bullet just barely missed your daughter's heart... We were able to get it out but she's not doing well." He explains solemnly. It feels like someone punched me in the stomach. I can't breathe. "So... She's going to die?" I croak. The doctor looks to me with a sigh. "We can do all we can to prolong her life and make her comfortable... But the bullet damaged her lungs. It's making it difficult for her to breathe properly." It feels like I got shot too. I feel nauseous, like I'm going to puke. It feels like someone is squeezing all of the air on my insides and twisting my heart strings in a knot. I try to imagine life without Kaori in it completely. I don't like what I see. I stand up, leaving the room despite the questions from her parents. I throw up into the nearest trash can, finally able to at least breathe. She can't die. She has so much going for her... I want to see her be the greatest softball player in America. I want to see her in a wedding dress, walking down the aisle to marry me. But most of all, I want to see her. A life without her is a dark one with lack of light and happiness. She's been my positive energy for three years, my motivation. She's pushed me to achieve so many things. Without her I would have quit basketball... Quit school. I do the only thing I know. I call an old friend as I walk towards the exit. "Midorima?" I ask. "Nanodayo." He grumbles in a grumpy tone. I probably woke him up, but I don't care. This is urgent. "You still have um... Powers right?" I ask, not sure what I should and shouldn't say in the middle of this hospital. "Yes. What's it to you?" He asks. "Listen... This is an emergency. Can you bring back humans from the dead?" The line goes silent for a moment. "I can't play fate, Aomine." "Shit. What if uh, what if I sacrifice something? Like my life, or-" "I will not let you give up your life for someone else's, Aho!" He shouts over the line. He hesitates for a moment as I walk into the parking lot and towards my car. "Who are we talking about, exactly? It's not Kaori is it?" I sigh, feeling a gaping hole in my chest that aches every time I breathe. "We are." He doesn't speak for a long time, but I hear pages being flipped as if he were looking through a book. "Is she dead?" "No, but she's struggling... The doctor doesn't know if she'll make it." I feel a lump forming in my throat as my voice starts to shake. I can't bare the thought of her being gone. "I can't play the path fate has intended... But I can get around it in a way, if you're up for it." Midorima explains. "She'll live, and she'll be healthy, but... She won't remember anything that has to do with you." I feel a large twinge of pain in my chest. I won't be able to kiss her, or hug her... I won't even be able to hear her laugh. But she'll live. She'll be happy, nonetheless. "She'll remember that she's going to go to America to play softball, right?" "Yes. She will remember her life in school, too. But anything to do with you, it will be a gray area that her mind will never be able to recall." He clears his throat. "She won't know who you are, and you won't be able to interact with her once she's alive, or fate will take over." I want her to live. That's the only thing I want more than anything... She deserves to live, even if she has to live without me, she won't experience the pain of ever losing me. "I'll do it." I say before I change my mind. "I'll meet you at the hospital tomorrow afternoon. Make sure no one else is in the room, of course." Midorima says. "You're sure about this, Aomine?" "I don't want her to die." "Okay. Get some sleep." Midorima doesn't give me a chance to respond, he just hangs up. That's the most caring he's ever been towards me. All of my friends are aware how much I love Kaori. I sit in my car, scrolling through pictures on my phone. I think of all the memories that Kaori will never be able to look back on. She won't know what happened on our first date. She won't know that she promised herself to me, and I her. I don't try to stop the tears that fall. I stop when I see a picture of Kaori that I took when she wasn't watching, as I do always. She's singing, of course. She clutches her chest as she belts out a note, her heart and body into the song. I can't help but smile. I want her to be happy. She can't be happy if she's not alive.  Though this decision will bring me pain that I don't think I'll ever move on from, I think it's worth it.. If Kaori can live a happy life, I hope I can find the ability to be happy too. ***** I meet Midorima at the hospital that afternoon after asking her parents if I could have some alone time with her when I visit. When I enter her hospital room, Midorima stays outside. "I'll give you a few minutes to say what you need." He closes the door behind me, and I'm left alone. I stare at Kaori as she lays in the hospital bed. She's attached to so many cords and monitors I can't help but want to rip them all out of her and carry her home. There's a tube down her throat to help her breathe. I see they left her ring on her finger, though I can spot splotches of blood on it still. I lose it then and there, standing over what was supposed to be my future wife. I choke on a sob, lacing her fingers with mine. Squeeze my hand. Her hands are cold, as usual. "You won't remember me when you wake up, Kaori..." I trail off, trying to speak through my tears and shaking voice. "But you're the only woman I'll ever love." I squeeze her hand tightly, putting it to my lips. "All I've ever wanted is for your happiness... I never thought I'd have to go to such a length for that though." I kiss her cold, frail hand and reach my other hand to brush her hair back from her face. My fingers trail her jawline, some of my tears dripping onto the blanket that covers her body. "You've made my life so bright since the day we met... I hope someone will do the same for you later on in your life, Kaori." I slide the promise ring off of her finger, twirling it in my hand. "I'll never forget you." My voice has become a shaky whisper, and it seems the tears keep coming. "I promise." I kiss her forehead, sniffling as I put her ring in my pocket. I sigh, trying to compose myself. I wipe my eyes and open the door. Midorima puts a hand on my shoulder. "You're still sure about this?" I roll my eyes. "Yes. Let's do this." He nods. "When this works, she'll probably sit up straight and start gagging on the tube. So we'll need to book it out of here before she sees us, okay?" He asks, making sure I understand. I nod. "We'll tell the doctors we were visiting when all of a sudden she woke. Easy enough?" "Yeah." I grow more nervous now that he's actually going through with it. He pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose as he stands over Kaori. His hands hover flat over her body, his eyes shut as he breathes steadily. Kaori's body starts to lurch upwards on the bed. I take a step back, not sure if I want to keep watching. But I can't look away. Her hips raise up off of the bed, then back down. It's as if someone tied a string to her and lifted her up. She lies still now, and Midorima gets inches from her face. He whispers a few words before standing back. Kaori sits up straight in the bed, and Midorima grabs my arm as monitors begin to beep incessantly. Doctors are already running down the halls towards her room when we exit. "What happened?" A nurse asks as doctors flood the room. "I-I don't know, she just.. Woke up." I say, trying to hide how nervous I am. I peer around the corner enough to hear her voice. "Where am I?" She asks. I want to run in there. I want to hug her and tell her exactly where she is and what happened... I want to feel her embrace. Something hits the back of my head. Midorima threw a cup from one of the medicine carts at me. "Let's go." He mouths. I follow him reluctantly. Where do I go from here? ***** Adjusting to life without Kaori is one of the hardest things I've done. I had to unfollow her on everything, delete every picture of her on social media, and inform her parents that when she woke up, she didn't know who I was. I couldn't tell them what really happened, so I made up a lie that they seemed to believe. As for my career, I play for the Cleveland Caviliers. I still go to watch Kaori play in college, although she doesn't recall me, I watch every single game. She's still so amazing at softball. I put her ring on a chain and it hangs on my mirror in my bedroom. I have not taken off the watch she bought me since the day she gave it to me, only to shower and sleep. Sometimes I contemplate if I made the right choice. Would she have lived if I hadn't? I'm sure she wouldn't have. I still can't help but grieve. I would give up every tomorrow I have to be able to relive one memory with her. I want to relive the first moment we kissed. I want to relive the moment I realized I was in love with her as she danced in her kitchen cooking dinner for the two of us and as she sang along to her favorite movies, High School Musical. I didn't care for the movies at all, but seeing that smile on her face was enough to make me want to watch them with her until the day I died. I wonder if she still loves watching them. I wonder if she still loves to sing and dance, and if she still scrunches her nose in disgust when she smells onions, or when she tastes something she doesn't like. I would give up anything to relive a moment with her. Not only did I lose someone I was going to marry, but I lost part of me. I'm not sure if I can be the same if I have to live with every single memory of Kaori, while she lives her life never knowing I existed. She doesn't know that I love when she wears blue, because it brings out her eyes. She doesn't know that I love how she says my name in the morning, when she's still waking up. And more than anything, she doesn't know that my heart will always belong to her.

[randomfandomimagine]

Free Spirit. Epilogue: Forget It

PREVIOUS - CHAPTER INDEX - WATTPAD

A/N: This chapter is like an aside because I wanted to write a little something extra to finish it all kind of playful and light-hearted. It can be read as a oneshot too, so I hope you all enjoy! :3 It was also inspired by the song ‘Forget It’ by Breaking Benjamin because it really reminds me of Catori and Stiles and I might do a video for them in the future.

Luckily for everyone, Melissa McCall would heal everyone and ask no questions about all those suspicious looking wounds. Or at least, she wouldn’t think they were insane when they explained their bruises were made by an alpha selkie, an omega werewolf, an evil spirit brought back to life and a bunch of betas.

Sheriff Stilinski was a whole different thing. He would be very mad and anxious. Just like Chris Argent.

And Lucy Hudson… well, for her to freak out it was needed that she found out her daughter was a sybil first. Then finding out about the rest of supernatural mess would follow.

Catori sat up in her hospital bed. She felt sore all over, and her head still hurt a little from the cuff. Other than that, she felt lucky nothing too huge happened.

A knock on the door startled her, making her look in that direction. Stiles stood there awkwardly, analyzing her reaction. Catori smiled at him.

“How you feeling, Cat?” He asked her, coming in seeing as she didn’t seem angry or distraught.

“Like we just saved the world from an evil spirit and a crazy selkie” The girl replied sarcastically, making him chuckle. “What about you?”

“Nothing that a good hug can’t fix” Stiles sat next to her and hugged her tight. Catori rolled her eyes, even if he wasn’t looking, and pushed him away.

“I cry in your shoulder, tell you I’m not okay and freak out…” She said in awe and a bit of outrage. “And you give me a cheesy and boring reply like that?”

“I don’t feel like freaking out” He sarcastically replied. “I’m tired”

The girl contained the urge to roll her eyes again.

“Listen, Cat-“ Stiles was about to say something when someone knocked on the open door.

“Knock knock” Scott stood there, hoping he hadn’t interrupted anything.

Even if his friend suspiciously smelled like anxiety and seemed restless about talking to her. For whatever reason.

“Scotty!” Too tired to stand up, she just opened her arms for him to go hug her. He complied.

“You guys doing okay?” The werewolf asked as he broke the hug.

“Yeah!” Catori replied, seeing as Stiles didn’t. “How’s everyone else?”

“Mason has a bump on his head and Malia broke her arm” Scott briefly told them. “But they’ll heal”

“Her faster, though” Maybe it was the fact that they escaped certain death, but Catori felt cheerful enough to joke around.

“Do you mind?” Stiles sent his friend a meaningful glare, almost as though they knew something Catori ignored. “We were talking”

“Oh” Scott immediately took a step back. “Sorry, I just wanted to check on you. I didn’t know I was interrupting or anything, I-“

His best friend just made a gesture with his head, asking him to leave already.

“What’s gotten into you?”

“I just want to chat with you, that’s all”

“I call bullshit”

“Well, actually I wanted to-“

“See, I knew something was up!”

“Excuse me, I had something to say” Stiles told her in annoyance.

“Then say it, you moron” She couldn’t help but to smile.

“Wanna do something later?” He analyzed her reaction, pausing and biting his lip. “Like go out and catch a movie or something”

“Are you actually asking me on a date, Stiles?” Catori chuckled in amusement. “Great timing!”

“I know” This time, he rolled his eyes. “I must say this place is so romantic”

Stiles sarcastically let his eyes wander around the hospital room.

“Are you paying?” The girl teased him. “I mean, what’s the point of going on a date if-“

“Yes or no, Kit Kat” He impatiently cut her off.

“Sure, boyfriend” Catori nudged him playfully. “About time we went on our first actual date”

*

Just as she hung up with Amanda –Catori’s jujitsu mate had been worried about her missing the lessons and they ended up chatting and catching up –, Lydia was ringing the doorbell.

“Coming!” The girl called out as she ran to open the door.

As soon as she did, Lydia grinned and showed her a big vanity case.

“It’s the big day!” She seemed really excited. “Time to get you ready”

“You didn’t have to-“

“Figured you didn’t have any make-up” The redhead pursed her lips as she came in. “So I brought my own”

“What makes you think I don’t?”

“Well, do you?”

“No…” Catori smiled. “But my mom does!”

Lydia reciprocated the smile.

“Well, it’s time everyone sees how pretty you are” The redhead held her friend’s hair up, tilting her head to figure it if she liked it better like that. “We’re gonna make you wear a cute dress, put some make-up on you and hold up your hair”

“That sounds like a lot of work” Catori made a face, feeling lazy just thinking about it.

“You can’t rush beauty, honey” With playful smugness, Lydia pointed at herself with a motion of her hand. “Look at myself”

“I’m not that pretty” She mumbled as she walked up the stairs, her friend following closely.

“You are, you just hide it under all those superhero shirts and those jeans”

“Aw, shut up!”

“You’re adorable” Her friend pinched her cheek. “Remember that black dress you bought when Stiles went shopping with us?”

“How can I forget” The brown-haired girl rolled her eyes, even if it amused her to think about Stiles’ reaction.

“That’s the one” Lydia looked around her wardrobe, looking for it. “That’s the perfect dress for your date with Stiles”

“You really think so?”

The other huffed in outrage, as though she was making fun of her with that silly question.

“Catori, do I have to remind you the way he looked at you when you tried it on?”

She blushed, remembering it vividly. It made her feel attractive, sexy and beautiful all at the same time. And at last she understood why Lydia seemed to be enjoying herself so much, she definitely wanted them to get together and thought they liked each other. And deep down they did.

“Fine, but I’m not wearing high heels”

Lydia looked at her quickly, offended like she had said something horrible.

“Why not?!”

“They’re uncomfortable! We’re probably gonna walk a lot!”

“Fine… as long as you wear the dress…”

“It’s hard to believe, isn’t it?” Catori mumbled as Lydia took everything she would need and put it over the bed.

“What is?”

“I’m going on a date with Stiles, they guy that couldn’t stand me when we first met” She chuckled, remembering how much they used to hate each other. “We were always fighting, arguing and getting on each other’s nerves”

“That’s love at second sight” The redhead said as she gave her the dress to get changed. “It happens”

“Love at second sight, huh?”

Lydia just grinned at her comment, even if her eyes were fixed on the vanity case. She was so excited to make Catori up for her date with Stiles.

*

It was the first time they were actually alone, having fun like a regular couple. Not surrounded by the pack, nor discussing what to do to avoid getting killed by psychotic selkies and spirits. It felt refreshing and exhilarating.

As soon as Stiles arrived to pick her up –he was late, surprising no one –he took Catori’s hand and begun to walk. It felt somewhat awkward and artificial at first, even if they were enjoying themselves.

And even if Lydia seemed to think they were adorable as she walked with them for a while when Stiles picked Catori up before branching off the path to get back home.

“Weird, huh?” Stiles finally piped up, not standing the uncomfortable silence anymore. The sound of their shoes against the pavement was too loud for him. “You and me”

“Especially without anything endangering our lives” Catori joked to relief the tension.

“I’m so glad that Vanessa is gone”

“Yeah, me too”  

The boy looked at her with a hint of smirk playing on his lips, although she didn’t notice. He thought that the perfect way to break the ice would be to tease each other, like they always did.

That way everything would feel more natural and genuine and they would slip into a more casual date.

“Her obsession of you was disturbing me” Stiles really hoped his little joke didn’t upset Catori nor stir bad memories. “I mean, I’m the only one allowed to be so despicable with you”

“That’s how it is then” Much to his relief, she played along. “Is that why you’re so obnoxious and annoying all the time?”

“Yeah?” The boy replied as though it was obvious.

Catori laughed a little, feeling so exhilarated and happy. But she got quiet when she thought of Vanessa, not being able to help it. They had gone through so much because of her, it was impossible to just forget it.

“How do you think she knew I was here?” The girl asked Stiles, mildly anxious. “In Beacon Hills, of all places? She didn’t know I was the sybil she was looking for, that’s for sure”

Even if she never mentioned the other girls that weren’t as lucky as Catori herself, Stiles knew what she meant.

“Probably because of the Nemeton” His voice sounded raspy when he responded. “It attracts supernatural creatures like a beacon”

Maybe he was right. Maybe she hadn’t opposed that much to moving to Beacon Hills because of that. Maybe her sybil nature, despite being dormant, somehow knew.

Stiles fixed his eyes on her and lowly sighed when he saw her expression, one that he knew all too well. Her brow furrowed, her lips pursed in concern and her eyes absently stared at a random spot in front of her.

“Hey” He nudged her to get her back to reality, to force her to abandon her fears and preoccupations. “None of that matters now, does it?”

Catori knew what he was trying to do, so she smiled.

“Right” The girl smirked when she remembered something. “By the way, I had to tell you something”

“What is it?”

“You’re welcome”

“Thank… you? For what, though?”

“If I hadn’t had a back-up plan, you wouldn’t be here right now”

Stiles rolled his eyes at her smug self-satisfaction.

“I thought none of that didn’t matter”

“Yeah, try to change the subject…”

“Thanks, okay? Oh, super Catori” Stiles’ voice was dripping with sarcasm. “Thank you for saving my life”

Thinking of one thing that would probably fluster her and turn the tables, he smirked. Then he smacked his lips on hers.

It was just for one second, but it definitely flustered Catori. He also noticed how she went after his lips once they broke the kiss. And how she had blushed violently.

“As I said” Catori cleared her throat, pretending it didn’t bother her. “You’re welcome”

Stiles laughed a little and bumped his shoulder into hers, playfully and fondly.

“Where do you wanna go then?”

“Wanna go to the museum? I want to see how it looks now that it’s fixed, I haven’t been there in so long” Upon seeing Stiles’ panicked expression and giving it a bit of thought, she corrected herself. “Don’t worry, it’s probably just Minerva there now”

Stiles had freaked out over meeting Catori’s mom during an actual date. To be formally introduced as her boyfriend, because he was not ready to accept that. He didn’t even want to think about what impression he would have on her.

“Okay…” The boy replied, trying to sound calm but actually sounding relieved.

They marched over to the museum, calmly interlacing their fingers as their palms pressed together. Catori couldn’t help but to think how bizarre it all was.

How if someone told her a while ago she would be dating him later on, she would have laughed in their faces. Stiles and her had truly gone a long way.

“Remember how much we disliked each other?” The girl mumbled, voicing her thoughts to listen to his opinion.

At first, Stiles just tilted his head in appreciation. But when he gave more thought to the subject, he chuckled and nodded.

“When I think about it, it’s so odd…”

“We used to hate the other”

“Hate is a strong word” Stiles disagreed, shaking his head in a cute manner. “I just didn’t trust you”

“You set a trap for me” The girl squinted her eyes at him in annoyance. “Thanks for that, by the way”

“It’s wasn’t really for you, I… I, uh…” Her boyfriend grimaced awkwardly just to immediately change the subject. “Forget it, just look how far we’ve come”

“Yeah” Catori laughed wryly. “Now we just insult the other in our faces”

“Instead of behind our backs, huh” He humored her, giving her hand a gentle and playful squeeze.

“It’s much more fun this way, you nerd”

“Kitty Kat”

“That one’s new” She mocked him due to the resemblance to her usual nickname. “Did you come up with it on your own, big guy?”

Stiles couldn’t help but to laugh, giving her a kiss on the temple to show how much he loved her. Even when she openly laughed at him like that.

Maybe especially when she did.

*

The gallery was completely reconstructed. No more broken glass, no more mess of broken vases and antiques, no more wreck.

The pair waved hello at Minerva as soon as they walked in, but what startled Catori wasn’t the sudden clean and tidy appearance that the place presented now. It was Lucy Hudson, who stood behind the counter.

“Mom!” Catori exclaimed, letting go of Stiles’ hand quickly, like she had burned herself. “You’re here!”

“Yes” Lucy smiled a little, eyeing her daughter and the boy that just a moment ago she was holding hands with. “What brings you here?”

“I, uh…” The girl could feel his stare digging into her skin, and she read his mind without even needing to look at him. “Wanted to pay you a quick visit”

Stiles lowly snickered next to her, amused by her sudden shyness. He had never seen her so flustered and adorable before! It was a rare event that he was so going to enjoy as much as he could.

“Does it have something to do with this boy?”

The aforesaid stopped laughing immediately, any traces of mischievousness or playfulness evaporating with the thought of facing the dreaded introduction.

“Not really…”

“Are you not going to introduce us?”

“Stiles, this is my mom Lucy” Catori’s eyes wouldn’t meet theirs. “Mom, this is Stiles…”

“Is he… a friend?”

“He’s my boyfriend, okay?!” Catori exclaimed, louder than she intended. “And I’m pretty proud of it!”

Stiles nudged her kindly, dedicating her that goofy grin that always made her laugh.

“That was cute” He knew she was trying to hide her embarrassment with a fake sense of confidence, which was all the more adorable.

Out of the blue, he leaned in and pecked her cheek lovingly. Completely forgetting for a second that Lucy stood next to them since he had been too immersed in their own little world to remember.

The pair awkwardly looked at Lucy, clumsily excusing themselves as they

“You should be flustered more often, it’s adorable”

“Forget it”

The two lovers continued walking, hand in hand. Catori leaned in to kiss Stiles in the cheek, he reciprocated with another peck and a surprise tickle attack to her side while their lips were about to connect.

He ran away and she chased after him. They laughed. Soon after, their lips met once again.

[carolrance]

I saw this thing. I’m answering this thing... even though nobody asked.

So, I saw someone answering this and thought it was sorta cool but I don’t think people will respond anymore so I’m just doing it myself. Self love, ya know.

Talk about the first ship you ever had. Uhhh… I can’t remember which came first Mulder & Scully or Usagi/Mamoru. (The latter being really icky to me now that I’m older, lol.) I think it was Mulder/Scully… I was in primary school for both of these so it’s confusing cos that was a really long time ago.

Talk about three of the most important ships throughout your life. Mulder/Scully (The X Files). I honestly don’t really feel like “talking” about them cos I don’t think it’s very interesting. Also, I have no idea where to begin. Naomi/Emily (Skins) – I fucking can’t stand them now, to be completely honest. I actually sorta hate Emily. By they (and Skins in general) did have a rather huge impact on my life. Now, I feel like I should put Dany/Doreah but really I think more importantly in terms of my life, it would be Marissa/Alex from The O.C. Does that sound stupid? Maybe. But that pairing (as shitty as they treated Alex and the whole relationship by the end) had a fairly huge influence on me. I think it was my first femslash ship that I was totally open about. (I totally shipped Jo/Rachel (and Jo/Rachel/Paul) from S Club 7 (DON’T EVEN!) but back then I didn’t even think it was serious…even though I had a whole website about it, lmao.)

What’s your current OTP? Oh my… Dany/Doreah forever & Marg/Sansa (ASOIAF/GoT). Michelle/Naomi (Skins). Carol/Helen (Episodes). Amanda Rollins/Olivia Benson (SVU). (With a bit of Rollins/Lindsay on the side. SVU/Chicago PD). Niska/Astrid (Humans). … So… Like… A lot? A lot of old OTPs are still OTPs now? Bo/Lauren (Lost Girl). Meg/Veronica (Veronica Mars). Katniss/Johanna (THG). Lou/Tess (Lip Service). Quinn/Rachel (Unreal). Jessica Jones/Trish Walker (Jessica Jones). Virginia Johnson/Lillian DePaul (Masters of Sex)………I think even my few het ships I’m still not totally over (Chase/Cameron, Mulder/Scully, Martin/Sam, etc) but I mean, I don’t really care either.

What’s your current NOTP? Any of the above characters paired with men. Simple. I have a lot of nOTPs tbh. Most canon ships are NOTPs lmao. Although… I guess Patsy/Delia is a current NOTP of mine. Don’t shoot! I just don’t care for them. They are boring to me.

Do you have any poly ships? I was sorta into Marissa/Alex/Ryan (The O.C.). I started a fic about them. And the aforementioned Jo/Paul/Rachel.

How do you feel about love triangles? Lazy. The thing is, they’re a real thing. I’ve been a bunch and they’re just uncomfortable. No matter what, somebody gets hurt. I just feel like in TV/films they’re SO LAZY. An easy way to create drama for drama’s sake. And one faction of fandom is always upset. And usually they’re really shoddily designed so it’s like one girl, 2 boring ass boys fighting for her WHO WILL SHE CHOOSE?! BLAH……. Boring. “The triangle’s not a friendly shape, okay? It’s pointy. It’s got edges. Triangles hurt people, man.”

How do you feel about RPF? Nope. I’m a bit of a hypocrite cos I spent a great deal of time in my childhood sorta straddling the very thin line here with the whole S Club 7 thing. And, I’ll admit, I did enjoy this April Pearson/Lily Loveless fic once.

Have you ever shipped yourself with a character? No. Usually my favs feel a little too relatable which is why I’m attached to them, not cos I wanna bone them. Also, way too much drama. I mean, fictional characters are almost always exaggerated people.

Do you have many ships that never got together at all? All? LMAO. Okay, let’s see… Sam/Martin did, briefly (Fuck Without A Trace tbh. What a horrid little show.) Chase/Cameron were together and that ended badly as well. Carol/Helen, also ended horribly (so far). Mulder/Scully… that’s difficult. They’re difficult. Marissa/Alex, ended horribly. Naomi/Emily, technically… hmmm. Well, as of S4 they were back together but I didn’t buy it and I pretty much loathed Emily by that point so fuck em. That ended badly too. It ended horribly if you count S7–which I don’t cos I never watched it. If I didn’t see it, it didn’t happen. Bo/Lauren. Okay, this may be the only bright light in all my ships, lmao. They were together and then not, then together, then not, then END GAME. So, I guess the ones that never got together??? Basically just look above at my OTPs and see all the ones I didn’t mention here ending horribly lol.

Do you ship any characters that have never met? ONLY THE BEST ONE: MICHELLE/NAOMI.

Talk about your favorite first kiss. Like in canon onscreen? Or in my head? Big diff. Chase & Cameron maybe. I loved that episode. Mulder & Scully’s first (onscreen) kiss was a bit weird. I don’t remember Sam/Martin tbh. Hmm… Marissa/Alex was hella stilted and awkward prolly cos it was on FOX and like Mischa Barton is a terrible actress. Bo/Lauren’s first kiss was pretty good. Yeah, I really liked that one. Mostly cos it didn’t fade to black immediately (ahem, Carol/Helen) and it wasn’t set to ‘I Kissed A Girl’ (Naomi/Emily)… Okay, in fairness that was only the American version. The one I saw had Lily Allen playing instead… But still. I loved that episode but it wasn’t the best first kiss I’ve ever seen.

Have you ever been disappointed when your ship finally got together? Yes, when they get together only to end even shittier. Which is basically all of them except Bo/Lauren.

Has a ship ever broken your heart? All of them. Canon and otherwise. My heart breaks on a regular basis.

How do you feel about will they/won’t they? Ugh. Useless. Generally, it’s queerbaiting when it’s my femslash OTPs. When it’s het, I’m just like, “As if these two lonely, outrageously attractive co-workers wouldn’t have banged already. Like, give me a break and just do it already. Who believes this shit?”

Have you ever “shipped at first sight”? Lemme think… Probably? I can’t actually recall any specifics however. Not Mulder/Scully, I know that. The first time I saw them, it was New Year’s Eve and I spent the entire show huddled on the sofa in my friend’s basement with her and her cousins, shaking and screaming, lmao. The X-Files really isn’t great TV for easily scared children with big imaginations, lbr.

Talk about a ship you initially disliked. One that I like now that I disliked previously? Erm. None. I don’t flipflop on ships, lbr. It goes like this: I am oblivious/indifferent to ship, depending. I see ship. I ship ship. I love ship. And it’s only then that this can diverge. Either I stay in love forever, or I end up positively hating the show/pairing and I stop shipping it, or it just kinda dies out over time. Normally it’s the first or second, rarely the third.

Talk about a pairing you’ve stopped shipping romantically. And now just ship them only as friends? Or stopped shipping them and dislike them now and don’t want to have anything to do with them? The latter is clearly Sam/Martin. I just hated how the characters were written and the show was fucking awful after S3. The former… Ah, the former. I think this really has to be Naomi/Emily. I am 1457% Naomi/Michelle, no alternatives accepted. Naomily is toxic imo. Like so incredibly nope. I am -100000% Naomily. I stopped shipping them mid-S4, probably during Katie’s episode. I was just like, “Nope, this is pretty gross and not healthy and what the fuck?!” I gave up completely at the finale when it was so fucking stupid. I think by then I’d already had my Michelle/Naomi dream… Anyway. Like, I literally cannot handle Naomi/Emily anymore. At most, I can deal with them as friends. But even then, sometimes I wonder if writing them that way in my fics is pandering in some sense. It’s not intentional pandering to Naomily stans… but, now I look back and wonder? They’re just so awful together romantically. I shudder.

Talk about a moment which made you question an entire ship. Hmmm…. Carol/Helen in Griffith Park in 4x09 when she makes Carol give back her bra. That whole episode was really nasty and really awful and not funny at all. I really dislike the writing there. It was just… Helen was just disgusting really and it made me really uncomfortable about shipping it. I have other examples but it only asked for one.

Have you ever shipped something despite yourself? She-Ra and He-Man. I had no idea they were brother and sister when I was little but I thought they were cute together. Oops. It wasn’t until a few years back when I mentioned them at a party and everyone was like, “Errr, you do know they were twins, yeah?” NO. I DID NOT.

Talk about a ship you feel alone in shipping. Carol/Helen. I feel like the few people that shipped it with me on tumblr here were really turned off by their breakup. And also, it’s been on hiatus forever. Also, I suppose Claire Dearing/Zara Young from Jurassic World, lmao.

Is there a ship you just don’t get, but have nothing against? Most het ones? Like, just… why would you be with that puffy wonderbread boy when you could be with this other hot lady and have 10003x times more chemistry and interestingness? (Like I mean, I’m totally talking about Erin Lindsay and that gay dude she’s fucking, when it would be so much better if she was with Rollins, lmao. You go watch the crossovers episodes and tell me I’m imagining that.) Other het ships, I have definite things against the men.

Which of your ships have the best chemistry? OH GOD. Now, ermmmm…. this depends almost exclusively on my own headcanon/bias so obvs others aren’t likely to agree. Cos, well, Michelle/Naomi have hella chemistry LMAO. Like just look at this photo. Clearly. Okay, seriously… Bo/Lauren. Like hands down, undoubtedly.

Which of your ships deserve better writing? Every single one of them. Especially Dany/Doreah lmao.

Do you mostly ship canon pairings? Clearly not.

Have you ever shipped a pairing before you even started watching the show/movie simply because of gifs and graphics or similar? Skins. Lost Girl. Actually, hmm. I saw gifs of LG but I guess it wasn’t until I saw Zoie Palmer at a film premiere I went to that I was like, “WHO IS THAT?!” And then I realised I had to start watching that programme.

Have you noticed a pattern in your shipping? Is there a romantic dynamic you’re more drawn to? Blonde/Brunette. Like, it’s really obvious. But not 100%. Otherwise, I don’t really see any substantial patterns.

Is there a ship you’ve shipped for most of your life? Mulder/Scully.

Does shipping come easily to you? Neither here nor there. If it clicks, it clicks.

Do you need to ship something to really enjoy a movie/book/tv show/comic? Most of the time. But then sometimes shipping gets in the way of my enjoyment cos it becomes all about the pairing.

Name a couple of fandoms in which you have no ships. Fortitude? Honestly… I don’t even know. I watch a bunch of TV I have no particular interest in shipping anybody. Oh! Here’s one NASHVILLE. I honestly do not care who’s with whom. It’s irrelevant.

Talk about one of your favorite headcanons for a ship you love. Dany/Doreah – Doreah is alive. That’s it. That’s the headcanon. (And bonus, Dany takes Doreah to Lys and burns down the pleasure house Doreah was sold to as a child.) I have to add that most of my fav headcanons revolve around one half of my OTP still being alive. Which is both sad and really telling. (Like… Doreah, Margaery, Naomi, Meg, Marissa, Lillian… Ouch.)

Share five must-read fics. I’m trying really hard not to rec my own shit cos I just love my headcanons too much. Okay, here: They Will Crown You, They Will Take Your Legs by (Netgirl_y2k); tie your handlebars to the stars (and throw away the map) by (majesdane); my heart is gold and my hands are cold by (quinnking); If you’re gonna shoot me down, do it gently by (aphrodite_mine); I Can’t Get Out Of Love (a love i had a grip on; now it’s gripping me) by (doreah) hahahahahahahahaaaa i will do whatever i want when i want to force this pairing on everyone

Name your favorite fanartist(s). IDK??????????

Share your favorite fanmix for your OTP. Dany/Doreah: actually… oops. my fav fanmix for them is on my ipod and nowhere else lmao. it’s really good hahahah. anyway… um. so i’ll choose one that’s not mine: i’ll send a storm (most of mine are either doreah-specific or based on my fic which is a lot of headcanon and this one has excellent musical choices. that first track is killer.) Meg/Veronica: song of solomon (your poetry in motion) Chase/Cameron: i’m all second chances Michelle/Naomi: can’t get out of love Bo/Lauren:  it’s killing me, it’s killing you, a page from the book of my fantasy

Recommend 1-5 shipper blogs. Pass. I don’t even know any…

Do you create fanmixes/gif sets/fanart/fic/fanvids and so on for you ships? Used to. Obvs.

Do you have a favorite trope and/or AU for your OTP? Half of it not being dead.

Do you like and use ship names? I generally stay away from them unless I to find stuff/want people to find my stuff on tumblr. I find them cloying.

Is there a fictional relationship you’d really want for yourself? Hell no. Real life is difficult enough.

If you could change one thing about your OTP, what would that be? They would all be alive. Sensing a pattern? Also, being canon would be nice.

[theconservativebrief]

It’s been a week since Louis C.K. made his attempt at a return to the public eye, but the ensuing outrage is continuing unabated.

On August 26, C.K. made a surprise appearance at New York’s Comedy Cellar, where he performed a 15-minute set to a standing ovation. It was C.K.’s first high-profile public performance since last November, when he admitted to having masturbated in front of multiple unwilling women.

For C.K.’s supporters, his performance was a welcome return to the fold, coming after C.K. had admitted his wrong and spent time out of the public eye. He’d taken his medicine, was the general argument, and now it was time for the public to let him come back to comedy as a changed man.

“Will take heat for this, but people have to be allowed to serve their time and move on with their lives,” wrote actor Michael Ian Black, in a tweet he later apologized for. “I don’t know if it’s been long enough, or his career will recover, or if people will have him back, but I’m happy to see him try.”

“[Louis C.K.] can be shamed, humiliated, lose millions of dollars, lose all of his projects, lose the respect of a lot of his fans and peers, and whatever else that comes with what he did, but since he can still do a comedy set for free at a 200 seat club a year later, it means he got off easy,” wrote SNL’s Michael Che in a series of now-deleted Instagram posts. “THAT’s how coveted fame is.”

But for others, C.K.’s appearance was a travesty.

“‘Comeback’ is not the right word for what is being floated here,” wrote Amanda Hess at the New York Times. “A comeback implies a hero’s journey — an adventure, a transformation, a triumphant return. This feels more like a malignancy. We try to cut men like him out of public life, but nine months later, we get a call with the bad news.”

“Do people deserve second chances? Of course,” wrote Arwa Mahdawi at the Guardian. “But the more important question to ask is why some people get second, third and fourth chances, while others are never even afforded a first chance? We should be asking ourselves how CK’s abuse of power robbed his victims of professional opportunities. We should be reminding ourselves that CK is not the victim in this situation.”

Personally, I can’t say whether or not Louis C.K. will ever be accepted back into the public eye, but this performance did nothing to convince me that he should be. Here are the three big things that he did wrong.

In Louis C.K.’s initial apology for his history of sexual misconduct last fall, he acknowledged that part of what made his actions wrong was that he had created a power dynamic in which women couldn’t walk away from him.

“What I learned later in life, too late, is that when you have power over another person, asking them to look at your dick isn’t a question. It’s a predicament for them,” he said. “The power I had over these women is that they admired me. And I wielded that power irresponsibly.”

But C.K.’s surprise set at the Comedy Cellar ended up recreating the same toxic power dynamic.

C.K.’s set was unannounced, and even the Comedy Cellar’s owner didn’t know he would be appearing. (Reportedly, C.K. walked up to the emcee and asked if he could have the mic for a bit.) Any members of the audience who did not feel comfortable watching C.K. perform and lending him their de facto support had no warning about what was about to happen. They couldn’t choose to stay home, because they didn’t know what they were about to watch.

And once C.K. took the stage, anyone who was uncomfortable with his set couldn’t necessarily just get up and walk out. The Comedy Cellar has and enforces a two-drink minimum, meaning that you have to spend a certain amount of money at the bar before you can settle your tab and go. Until you’ve reached your minimum, you’re stuck.

Women who were present at the set told Vulture that they weren’t pleased C.K. was there, but they felt uncomfortable speaking out against him. “If someone had heckled him, I think they would’ve been heckled out. It felt like there were a lot of aggressive men in the audience and very quiet women,” one said. “It’s the kind of vibe that doesn’t allow for a dissenting voice. You’re just expected to be a good audience member. You’re considered a bad sport if you speak out.”

So, to recap: Louis C.K. fell from grace after admitting that he had masturbated in front of women without their meaningful consent. He made his big attempt at a comeback by entering — without warning — a space whose rules discourage walkouts and whose culture discourages heckling. He took away his audience’s ability to consent to watch him.

The irony is not lost on the women who ended up witnessing his set. “It felt like he was being thrust upon the audience without telling them,” one said to Vulture.

C.K. did not just disappear for nine months as punishment for his sins. The career ramifications he suffered — getting dropped by Netflix, HBO, and FX; his movie getting shelved — came partly because his brand was toxic, but also as part of a workplace safety issue.

C.K. disappeared because he had demonstrated a pattern of predatory behavior around women over whom he had power, and he did it in their place of work. (Reportedly, he asked some women to watch him masturbate but didn’t even ask others; the women who said that he asked first have explained that C.K. had so much power over them that they felt they couldn’t say no.)

In most industries, if an employee is fired for sexually harassing his underlings, it’s considered poor form to rehire said employee nine months later just because he has shown up and requested his job back. You need assurance of some kind that he has taken steps to correct his behavior, understand what he did wrong, and prevent himself from harassing people again. You need proof that demonstrates that you aren’t putting people in danger by letting this person back into the workplace.

In C.K.’s apology, he wrote, “I have spent my long and lucky career talking and saying anything that I want. I will now step back and take a long time to listen.” Even if you were to set aside the fact that C.K.’s definition of “a long time” is apparently nine months, he has yet to demonstrate that he has put in the necessary work to assure us all that he isn’t going to harass women again when given the chance. If anything, his willingness to spring his presence on an unsuspecting and potentially unconsenting audience suggests the opposite.

There is a common theme to all of the instances of sexual harassment that C.K. committed: He consistently targeted young up-and-coming comedians who did not have his level of institutional power. He harassed them and made them feel unsafe in professional spaces, and that negatively impacted their careers. And when they came forward about what he’d done to them, their careers suffered more.

“Since speaking out, I’ve experienced vicious and swift backlash from women and men, in and out of the comedy community,” wrote C.K. accuser Rebecca Corry in a Vulture article in May. “I’ve received death threats, been berated, judged, ridiculed, dismissed, shamed, and attacked​.”

None of the women whom C.K. targeted have the institutional power to walk into the Comedy Cellar on the spur of the moment, grab the mic, and be met with a standing ovation. And C.K. does not appear to have used any of his own enormous institutional power to raise the platforms of these women. Instead, he’s stood by and stayed quiet while they are harassed for having come forward to speak publicly about what he did to them.

Here’s the situation we’re left with: Louis C.K. has not done anything that we know of to make up for his actions and the way they negatively affected his victims. He has not done anything that we know of to show that he even understands the extent to which his actions negatively affected his victims. He has not done anything that we know of to assure us that he won’t sexually harass women again in the future.

Instead, he showed up to a venue that customers can’t just walk out of and inflicted his presence on the audience with no warning. He recreated the power dynamics that made him dangerous to begin with. And he did it all in a bid to convince the public to accept him back into their good graces.

But if his standing ovation at the Comedy Cellar is any indication, no matter how many people have their doubts about C.K., he will always have plenty of vocal and enthusiastic supporters ready to cheer him on.

Original Source -> Louis C.K.’s controversial comeback attempt, explained

via The Conservative Brief