#also this is objectively hilarious to watch because you saw the kid be fine literally .05 seconds ago

[trekkele]

if youve ever picked up a kid from playgroup you’ve probably seen this happen, but theres a pretty common reaction where a kid will be doing 100% fine, laughing and playing until they see their parent, at which point they just start wailing, cartoon face and big tears and all, because they just realized or remembered that their parent wasn’t there all day and that they came back for them, they came to get them.

Anyways i think thats how Bruce reacts to seeing Martha and Thomas after he dies.

[crimeronan]

Ok so I’m into the dreamer trilogy and haven’t read the Raven cycle...what is Declan’s characterisation/journey there?

THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST ASK I’VE EVER RECEIVED. IMAGINE I’M STANDING WITH MY ARMS SPREAD USING DIFFERENT VOICES AND HAND GESTURES TO REENACT THIS STORY FOR A RESENTFUL CAPTIVE AUDIENCE

also declan’s TRC storyline is like. equal parts horribly fucking sad and unbelievably fucking hilarious so. i will try to strike a Balance

FIRST OFF.  there is exactly one (1) declan POV chapter in the entire series. it happens toward the end of the last book. up until then, everything we know about him comes from the observations and narration of others.

he is also a very minor character.  his importance grows throughout the series, but almost all of his actions happen offscreen.  it’s not until the last book that we know exactly how much he’s been dealing with the whole time.

when he’s introduced in the first book, he appears as a plot device.  here is a two-dimensional horrible controlling hardass who doesn’t give a shit about anything but his future political career.  look at his fake, smug fucking grin.  how did someone like ronan end up with a brother like him??  doesn’t matter.  it’s a convenient excuse for ronan to live with his best friend in a drafty warehouse, which means more room for YA hijinks!

declan’s introduction scene is Embroiled in Capital-D Douchebaggery. according to the narration (from gansey and adam), he loves to fuck women and then never call them back, cozy up to powerful people, and bitch about how ronan’s ruining his life by being sad about their dead parents.  SOME people can just get over their dead parents, ronan!

this intro scene is also Extremely Funny i 100% recommend reading it even if u don’t read the actual series.  ronan makes a nasty comment, declan goes “why are you the way that you are” and tries to salvage his date, gansey utters the phrase “man whore”

then later that night things go like. actually bad.

declan shows up at the same pizza place where ronan is with his friends.  this scene is gansey pov.  gansey runs out to the parking lot to find the two of them Very Literally Trying To Kill Each Other.  you don’t see that violence in cdth - there’s only the TINIEST shadow of it when declan confronts ronan over matthew - so i Cannot Express Enough that someone is going to end up hospitalized at BEST. ronan’s already slammed declan’s head on the car, declan’s already grabbed ronan and beaten the shit out of his face, like.

you do not get good old-fashioned Declan Lynch At His Actual Worst in cdth. u might be thinking, THAT guy???? doing THIS????

oh yeah. things are real bad between declan and ronan.

after gansey breaks up the fight (and gets punched in the face for his trouble, albeit accidentally), declan tells ronan that their dad would be fucking ashamed to see him now & that he’s washing his hands of it & basically if ronan wants to go off and fucking die, he can.

this is like. just a couple months after the magical suicide attempt referenced in cdth

in the aftermath of that scene it becomes clear that ronan absolutely unequivocally 100% will kill himself if he has to live with declan. hence. why he’s living with gansey instead.  gansey spends that whole night petrified that the declan altercation will lead to another attempt, and for Good Reason

so like, that’s how we first meet declan. he’s an uncaring wannabe corporate asshole who does not give a fuck and who only exists to exacerbate ronan’s mental health issues.

but then the opening of book 2 gets real interesting.

book 2 is where we start learning more about the lynch family.  we learn that ronan’s father was a dreamer who sold his creations on the black market, we learn that that’s why he was murdered. we learn that ronan’s a dreamer too. we learn that there are very powerful people looking for the greywaren, an artifact that takes objects from dreams. those powerful people just don’t realize it’s a person, yet.

so here’s the assassin who killed niall lynch.

he goes to declan’s dorm.

with everything we know about declan, the kid should be completely unprepared.  he can box, but the assassin knows that, so there’s no real advantage.  he’s alone, and he doesn’t have an escape route.

declan pulls out a gun.

this is an unexpected turn of events.

unfortunately he ends up getting beaten half to death with the butt of said gun, because he loses the ensuing physical struggle for the weapon.  the assassin is like, i need the greywaren.  declan is like, i know it exists but i don’t know what it is.  i’ll find it for you.  i’ll get it to you.  then you’ll leave me the fuck alone

now with everything we know of declan at this point - his attitude toward ronan, his general demeanor, and this new knowledge that he knew about the black market - there’s one obvious question.

will declan sell ronan out if he finds out about the dreaming.

and like, okay. their relationship is antagonistic in cdth but it is NOT what it is in trc. believe me when i tell you that at that point, when you’re reading, you can pretty reasonably go, “oh, god.  oh god.  oh god please no one ever tell declan what the greywaren is.  oh god.”

declan has some other interactions with ronan and the gang throughout the book, mostly where he’s just a hardass who tells ronan to stop causing trouble.  adam’s the only one who notices that declan is scared.  like bone-deep shaking to the core petrified.  about Something.

probably getting beaten to within an inch of his life by the man who murdered his father.  that’s the reasonable reader conclusion.

so imagine how everything changes when you find out that declan already knows.  that declan’s known about ronan’s dreaming for longer than ronan has.  that declan knew exactly what and who the greywaren was, and he lied to a man who was ready to torture him for information, and he got away with it.

suddenly a lot of things recontextualize.

“keep your head down and stop making trouble”? people are gonna NOTICE your magic bullshit, ronan, we do not have time for this!

“stop hanging with that loser druggie friend of yours”? you mean the loser druggie friend who sells on the magic black market and doesn’t care about protecting himself or anyone else?

“i got super weird for no reason about ronan sleeping close to adam”? i don’t have fucking TIME to be homophobic i’m busy with your POTENTIAL TO MANIFEST NIGHT TERRORS IN FRONT OF WITNESSES IN BROAD DAYLIGHT

“i’ll find out what the greywaren is and bring it to you”? i’ll die. i’m making a bargain to die. i’m never giving you the greywaren and i know you’re going to kill me about it and that’s fine as long as my brothers are safe

ronan doesn’t know that he dreamed matthew.  declan knows.  he’s known the whole time.  declan tells ronan in book 3.  and then things recontextualize even further, because ronan’s death is also matthew’s, and matthew IS close to declan in trc.

but declan never tells the goddamn truth unless it’s his last option.  he doesn’t tell ronan that he knows about the dreaming and he doesn’t tell ronan what specifically wants to hurt him and the lack of communication fucking destroys both of them.

in the last book, ronan realizes declan loves him.

more than that, he realizes declan’s loved him the whole time.

this is when declan finally tells the truth.  things are getting bad, plot-wise, and declan is scared, so he comes clean.  he tells ronan that niall specifically tasked declan with protecting ronan from the market.  he begs ronan to run from the danger.  “let’s pour gasoline on everything dad left and start over.”

this is also when ronan realizes that declan’s childhood was very different from ronan’s own.  and that niall and aurora lynch were not the same people to declan that they were to ronan.  and that their father’s decisions are what’s driven the wedge between him and declan all this time

(he’s still struggling with the cognitive dissonance of this in cdth. i don’t think he knows how to adjust his perception of declan to fit this new information.)

aaaaand the final scene with declan makes me cry every time i read it so instead of summarizing, here’s the important part:

Ronan delivered a sharp tap to the object, and a small cloud of fiery orbs sprayed up with a sparkling hiss.

“Jesus, Ronan!” Declan jerked his chin away.

“Please. Did you think I’d blow your face off?”

He demonstrated it again, that quick tap, that burst of brilliant orbs. He tipped it into Declan’s hand, and before Declan could say anything, jabbed it to activate it once more.

Orbs gasped up into the air. For a moment, he saw how his brother was caught inside them, watching them soar furiously around his face, each gold sun firing gold and white, and when he saw the spacious longing in Declan’s face, he realized how much Declan had missed by growing up neither dreamer nor dreamt. This had never been his home. The Lynches had never tried to make it Declan’s home.

“Declan?” Ronan asked.

Declan’s face cleared. “This is the most useful thing you’ve ever dreamt. You should name it.”

“I have. ORBMASTER. All caps.”

“Technically you’re the orbmaster though, right? And that’s just an orb.”

“Anyone who holds it becomes an ORBMASTER. You’re an ORBMASTER right now. There, keep it, put it in your pocket. D.C. ORBMASTER.”

Declan reached out and scuffed Ronan’s shaved head. “You’re such a little asshole.”

The last time they’d stood on this roof together, their parents had both been alive, and the cattle in these fields had been slowly grazing, and the world had been a smaller place. That time was gone, but for once, it was all right.

The brothers both looked back over the place that had made them, and then they climbed down from the roof together.

[buckysboobs]

Damaged Finds Damaged

chapter 1

warnings: none

There was tension building up in the room, with alarmed eyes and nervous smiles being exchanged. Damon was stood towards the back, arms crossed, the flames lighting up in the fireplace casting yellowish hues over the side of his face.

"No." he stated, hinting at it being the end of the conversation.

"What do you mean 'no'? Bonnie's still stuck there with some guy who tried to kill you guys and apparently sucks the magic out of people, we can't just leave her there!" Jeremy stood up to make a move towards the older Salvatore.

Stefan held him back, "That won't be necessary. We'll find a way."

"This doesn't feel right guys," Elena cried, shaking her head. "We need to get her out of there, who knows what kind of a person Kai is, what if he kills her before we can—"

"Quick to judge people, are we?" Sarah, (who had always been on the receiving side of the gang's poor judgement) decided to butt in, raising an eyebrow at her. She glanced at Damon. "From the sounds of it, he had many opportunities to kill you and Bonnie when you two were stuck in that prison but he didn't, so I think she'll be fine. She's smart. And if he's been all alone, he wouldn't want to lose the only company he has."

"Stubborn ol' Sarah coming to the rescue with her condescending remarks." Damon commented, gulping down a glass of Bourbon. "We don't need advice from a hybrid."

"Oh really?" Sarah snapped, getting up from the couch and turning to the door. "Well in that case i'll just take myself and my advice somewhere else-"

Stefan blinked tiredly and looked at Elena for help. They'd be luckier if they had Sarah as an ally rather than an enemy.

"Sarah please!" Elena called out.

The hybrid stopped, chuckled and went back to her seat on the couch, but not before throwing Damon a dirty look, receiving an eye roll in return.

"So what is this Gemini Coven thing? It can help us, right?" Jeremy asked hopefully, awaiting answers. Before Damon could open his mouth, Stefan spoke up, exasperated.

"It's nothing, guys. It does not exist. I searched all over Portland for it but all I came across was empty land."

"Let's try again, then." said Sarah.

"It's not that simple." Stefan replied.

"Guys—" Elena tried to interfere. Jeremy looked back at forth along with the conversation when Damon decided to speak up.

"Yes it is." He said. "Now that Elena mentioned it, I don't want to leave Bon-Bon with that maniac." Damon was the kind of person who would do anything against what Sarah had to say because he's petty, and he doesn't like her that much. If Sarah thought Bonnie will be fine, he believed she'll be the opposite. He pointed at Sarah, "You, me, Stefan and Alaric. We're going to Portland."

"Where we'll find nothing." Stefan sighed.

"Don't be so negative, Stefan." Elena said, tucking her hair behind her ear.

|||

They found nothing.

They walked into the empty, green land, Damon's hopeful eyes turning slightly hopeless again as Sarah walked past him and gazed across the ground.

"Like I said 3000 miles ago, it's not here." Stefan said, walking right up to her. "Can we go home now, please."

Damon dropped the bag he was carrying and Alaric spoke up, "You know what, check the GPS again. Just because we don't see anything doesn't mean it does not exist."

Damon's coping mechanism was sarcasm, which is why he tried to tease Stefan to ease the tension.

"Not unlike Caroline's feelings for Stefan." he said.

Sarah, who had been quiet for the majority of the time they spent together, snorted at his comment.

Stefan sighed, done with those remarks. "Hilarious, keep 'em coming."

Damon pulled out Miss Cuddles and did a passable imitation of a high pitched voice, wringing the teddy's stuffed arms. "Oh no, is Stefan feeling sensitive for ruining his friendship with Caroline?"

Stefan glared at him as he continued, "She really liked him and he broke her heart."

Sarah was thinking when she heard Alaric add "See, Stefan? Even the bear knew."

She held back a chuckle when Damon went on in his squeaky voice, "I saw that coming from a mile away and my brain is made of cotton—"

A thought crossed her mind "Guys I think something's—"

"Gimme that." Stefan snapped at the same time, grabbing the Miss Cuddles from him and kicking it hard. It flew across the sky and before they knew it, there was a house right before them.

"—cloaked." Sarah finished, shrugging as she looked back at them. "Well atleast we're not going back empty handed."

Damon happily skipped past her and stood on the porch as he picked up the teddy bear. "Miss Cuddles, one. Invisible creepy mansion, zero."

Alaric, Stefan and Sarah exchanged shocked glances and made their way towards the door.

"Did Miss Cuddles just help us reveal something that I missed?" Stefan asked, looking down at the teddy bear in Damon's possession.

Sarah clicks her tongue, "I should have known." When they responded with a puzzled expression, she gestured towards the teddy again, "She sent this back with her magic in it."

"Wait, Jo did tell me something about how she stored away her magic in some object." Alaric mused, snatching Miss Cuddles from Damon.

"But why would she send it back?" Stefan wondered.

Damon looked at them with a grim expression, "To prevent Kai from getting out."

"Damn. He must be really brutal, huh." Sarah commented, trying to get past the door when she was blocked by an invisible barrier.

"We gotta be invited in." Damon said, banging his hand against the barrier. "Which means the owner of this house is still alive."

Sarah looked at Alaric, "Looks like it's your time to shine."

With a sigh, Alaric walked in.

|||

"Jo lived here." He stated, passing them a couple of photographs and newspaper articles. "We have baby pictures, pictures of Jo as a kid, as a teenager.." Alaric shuffled through them one by one with trembling hands.

"Hold on a second." Damon jumped in all of a sudden, "Rewind." He grabbed a photograph from the pile and held it in front of them, "This is Kai from planet 1994."

It was a picture of the said boy and Jo together wearing red christmas sweaters, their faces beaming at the camera.

"He's cute." Sarah commented, earning an eye roll from Damon.

"Does this mean Jo is Kai's sister?" Stefan asked, and Alaric examined the rest of the photographs, looking for more evidence.

"Either that or they both have a thing for Cosby sweaters." Damon replied.

They heard a voice call out "Didn't realize I had guests."

They all turned back to see a skinny man with grey hair and stubble walking towards them. "You've met Kai?"

Damon's mouth twisted, "Met him? Watched him die. Watched him come back to life. Why, you know him?"

The man looked at them one by one, his gaze on Sarah lingering longer. He chuckled, "He's my son."

He extended his hand out, "I'm Joshua Parker."

Damon shook his hand without a moment of hesitation. "Damon Salvatore."

Joshua nodded, "Invisique."

"What the hell just happened?" Damon heard Stefan cry, and he turned around to see his companions shuffling around.

"What's up with you guys?"

"They can't see you anymore, Damon." Joshua said and Damon gave him a questioning look, "Which means they also can't see this."

Next thing Damon knew, he had earned himself an aneurysm and was crying out in pain before things went black.

|||

Around half an hour passed by and they still couldn't see another sign of the house. Stefan was on the call with Elena and Alaric was questioning Jo about Kai. Sarah was listening to both their conversations with vamp hearing.

From what she had gathered, Elena was trying to tell some random guy that she was a vampire, and Alaric was asking Jo about the ascendant which she actually had with her all along. Her dad was a coven leader who couldn't let Kai out no matter what, and was willing to 'retaliate' if things went south. Her evil twin is a murderer who killed almost his whole family, and was stuck in the prison world 1994 as punishment. They really had travelled 3000 miles for nothing, and Damon's life was probably in danger. Which she didn't worry about much, if she was honest.

She jumped slightly when she heard Jo let out a yelp, followed by a few thumps and bangs. Alaric asked what was going on, worry striking his voice. Stefan and Sarah both walked up to him.

"Jo? Jo what's going on?!"

Next thing they heard was Elena's voice on the other side of the phone, "It's her dad, he—he's trying to kill her!"

"What do we do?!" Alaric said, "How do we stop him?"

"We can't see the house and i'm not invited in," Stefan added, "Jo invite us in—"

"Come in! Come in!" She cried in pain, followed by more coughs. She sounded like she was choking.

"We still can't see the house!" Sarah said. Elena carried the message and she heard Jo's throaty voice respond, "Ask them if they see an old tree stump in the yard!"

It was right there and they ran towards it, shuffling through the pile of dried leaves before Alaric pulled out a knife.

"What's this?" Sarah wondered.

"This is probably Jo's version of Miss Cuddles." Alaric replied.

Stefan grabbed it and shot it right across the empty land, where it stabbed into the wooden porch pillar.

Next thing they know, Stefan was saving Damon from the grasp of Mr. Joshua Parker who thought it was incredibly normal to vanish into thin air.

"I did not sign up for this."

|||

"So Papa Kai just tried scrambling my brain like an egg and you three are looking like someone shoved a stick up your ass?" Damon said, walking towards the car. "I did not get undressed at the airport for this."

"Jo had the ascendant all along." Stefan told him.

"It was 5 minutes away from home. And we travelled 3000 miles. How fun." Sarah wailed, walking up behind them. "This was so useless."

"Stop complaining." Damon said, rolling his eyes at her again.

Jesus Christ, she thought. "You were literally complaining 30 seconds ago."

"Stop fighting, you two." Alaric jumped in, "Now there is obviously no way we're getting the ascendant or letting her brother out—"

"We could just kill him if he escapes!" Damon argued.

"No, Damon." Alaric snapped, "I'm not letting another maniac kill my girlfriend."

"Girlfriend? You've been on like, 3 dates—"

"Shut up, Damon." Sarah and Stefan said in unison.

Damon however, didn't listen and decided to compel Alaric into stealing the ascendant.

"It's gonna come bite you in the ass." Sarah had told him, and he had flipped her off. Stefan had let him go with a disappointed shake of his head and that thing he did where his lips squeezed into a thin line to portray his disapproval.

Little did they know Kai was already out.

____________________

some of you really liked the prologue so here's the first chapter! please let me know if you like it heheheh.

[popculturebuffet]

Pinky and the Brain: A Pinky And the Brain Christmas Review or I Just Think Schotzie’s Neat

Christmas Continues on this blog... and getting away from one set of Christmas commissions and into another, I offered my friend Blahdiddy three commissions as a present. The other two we’ll get to eventually, but with Animaniacs on the brain, heh, due to the reboot, he selected two Pinky and the Brains and one Animaniacs for me to cover. And while I intended to cover this one sometime this month anyway, my friend’s recent and sad covid diagnosis meant i’m bumping this one all the way up to the front of the line so he has some christmas cheer during this rough time. So with that in mind let’s talk about pinky, pinky and the brain brain brain brain brain shall we? Of course we can’t really talk about pinky and the brain without talking about Animaniacs. I absolutely love the series, I grew up with it as a kid and reconnected with it as an adult when it ended up on netflix. It was smart, well animated and most importantly really fucking funny. I highly recommend checking both the original and reboot of it out some time if you have Hulu. Speaking of the reboot while I might go on in full about it at some point it’s pretty good, with some creatvie jokes, some nice updates, with Rita Anita Anrita being a great new addition to the warner side of things. It’s only real flaw is it gets a bit reptitious as for the most part there’s only really the warners and pinky and the brain with a few exceptions one of which DAMN well deserved at least two segments and we all know which one that is. 

Bring.. this.. to series. The warners and pinky and the brain segments weren’t bad, but as is inevitible in a screwball comedy some just weren’t as good as others and those fell harder when you’ve already seen 2 or 3 better versions of this sort of skit in the season. They did really find their groove towards the end and if you like both Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain, or even just one or the other, it’s worth checking out.  But enough about the reboot let’s talk about those labratory mice whose genes have been spliced. Thanks to wikipedia, I now know the duo were based on Eddie Fitzgerald and Tom Minton, who worked with Tom Rutgeter on Tiny Toon adventures, with menton being the one who came up with Narf, even saying it in one episode of Tiny Tunes. During the creation of animaniacs, Bruce Timm, yes THE Bruce Timm, sketched the two, and Ruetger added mouse ears and the rest was history. Maurice LaMarche was the one who added the Orson Welles to the character, as LaMarche saw the Orson Welles in Brain, ran with it and got the part and a long and storied career in voice acting as a result. In a nice and fitting bit of contrast, Rob Paulsen got the part.. because he was already on the show. Not to downplay Paulsen’s clear talent, I just find it hilarious. 

That’s about what I could dig up on the behind the scenes of the show. From what I can tell it was greenlit because Animaniacs was a massive it, and Pinky and the Brain was the most popular segment, so it just made sense. The show would likewise be a massive sucess with both adults and kids, and go on for three seasons and what should legally be considered a war crime. 

For those of you blissfully unaware yeah, that happened, no no one people actually LIKED from Tiny Toons was in it. And yeah if you want me to talk about it commission it otherwise not going near this one. While I do need to tackle more bad animation... I’ve successfully avoided watching an episode of this show for 22 years next wedsday, I’m not breaking the streak for free. 

But some.. things aside I remembered liking the series as a kid but just never got around to seeking it out as an adult. I had nothing against the animaniacs segments and I even still have a stuffed brain doll I got at a garage sale.. the pinky is sadly missing and persumed dead. I just wasn’t as bit into it as I was the slappy bits rewatching animaniacs and didin’t really see reason to watch the show. Watching this though made me realize I was wrong and I probably watch more of it in the future This special is damn good, i’m pleased ot review it and to revive and old childhood memory. So with all the exposition out of the way let’s talk Pinky, PInky and the brain brain brain brain christmas edition after the cut. 

This was indeed a special: while it was presumably produced with season one of the show and is packaged with it both on DVD and on Hulu, where I watched it, the special was aired in prime time and even put on it’s own VHS.. which I found out and of course, like with my review of the Darkwing Duck Pilot, had to use as the art for old VHS’ tapes for cartoons.. was really fucking beautiful and it’s a nice break from my traditional screencaps.   So we open with a clever Christmas rendition of the theme, frequently sprinkling in bits of other christmas stuff, utterly fantastic. The intro animation is less impressive as it’s literally just the regular intro but with a stock snow effect over everything. In case you thought Ducktales doing that was a new thing. I do not blame the team however, as apparently they only had a week to get the scripts out, so I highly doubt warner was forking out more cash for the animation than they had to. They still forked out enough to make it LOOK really good mind you, something I wish they’d do more often with their DTV Movies but do do with their animated shows still with certain exceptions so good on them, i’m just saying they clearly cared more about money than having a memorable christmas opening. Given a budget to actually make one, i’m sure the animators would’ve come up with something lovely, and i’m sure the same is true of Ducktales and other shows and like i’ve said, i’m highly in favor of shows actuallly doing unique openings for the holidays, especially since Holiday episodes tend to get reaired every year as long as the show is in circulation on the network. Sometimes even if it isn’t. So it’s fully worth the effort to fork out a little extra for this as while you’ll most likely only use it once, you’ll be using the special for years. You can afford to treat yourself networks come on. It’s...

Just like Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain. But onto the episode itself after 80 years. We find Pinky writing his Christmas list to santa, complete with Narf, a gag I like. As usual for a comedy show, I will try to gloss over as much of the gags as possible, to avoid repetttion but yeah this episode is really damn funny and reminded me just how good these characters are. Maurice and Rob just have perfect chemistry. It’s like Tom and Jerry: It’s a very simple premise, that one being “Cat chases mouse and Mouse beats shit out of mouse”, and pinky and the brain of course being “Super genuis mouse and dimwitted but loveable sidekick try and takeover the world eveyr night”. But a simple premise can be used just about anywhere and adapated for anything. To me a cartoon’s premise only has to be as complicated as it needs to be to work. Sometimes you have a vast complex tapestry behind the world like She Ra, Steven Universe or Avatar with lots of planning and ins and outs and deep character stuff.. and sometimes you just have two mice who get into shenanigans because one is a would be dictator who sounds like orson welles and the other’s a loveable british weirdo/moron. Sometimes simple just works. 

Anyways, Brain, noticing Pinky’s distracted and replaces himself with a horrifying poorly made doll of himself called Noodle Noggin, which is both an excellent name and not the only time they’d use the name either, as there was an animaniacs short about Brain making himself a fad to endear himself to the children of the future with the same name. It’s just an inherently funny set of words, but also shows Brain’s genius in a subtle and clever way as he never spells it out, but despite sounding kind of ridiculous for such a buttoned up intellectual like brain... he knows that’s the kind of name kids will eat up. His schemes may often fail, but he’s an objectively brilliant schemer and i’ts often either PInky’s incompetence or his own miscalculation of humanity, either over or underestimating them, that undoes Brain.  Back to the plot, so Brain’s plan is to distribute noodle noggins around the world, make it the hot new toy, and as always, take over the world. Problem is naturally two Mice simply don’t have the resources to make the billions of dolls. But PInky stumbles upon the solution in the paper: a want ad for elves! Everything about that sentence except “pinky stumbles upon the solution” has not aged paticuarlly well, but point is they have a plan and we have our christmas special.  This does bring me to my one problem with the special.. Brain’s weird inconsistency towards Santa. What I mean is he spends the portion doubting Santa can do anything he’s claimed to despite being proven frequently he can. That part is not all that annoying as it’s in character with him and while yes, he is a talking mouse, he’s also a man of science and reason and Santa is the opposite of that. That would be fine... IF it wasn’t for the fact that said magical bollocks weren’t constantly part of his plans. Despite Brain constantly throughought the special doubting Santa... his plans FREQUENTLY rely on everything we’ve heard about him being right. His initial plan here ENTIRELY runs on the fact Santa has a massive workforce to make the toys yet even if that’s true by Brain’s own logic, he wouldn’t be able to deliver them. Later when the boys need to escape, They hide with the Reindeer despite Brain just saying santa can’t be everywhere in one night.. which if he can’t then the odds are slim he’ll wind up at Acme Labs isn’t it? It would be fine if the special acknowledged any of this outside of one bit we’ll get to, but other than that one bit.. they don’t. IT’s just really frustrating and really sticks out since the rest of the special is perfection, so this one failing bit really grates. That being said, it dosen’t last long enough to really drag the episode down as a whole, just to annoy me a bit every so often. It speaks to the episodes quality that the bad part ONLY drags so much because everything else is so well put together.  So our boys head to the north pole with the help of a kooky pilot and a santa dummy, this pilot is voiced by Tress MacNeile and is easily one of the best parts of the special. And naturally given their luck, she asks them to take the wheel so the plane instead jerks and causes them to fall out. Luckily they end up near Santa’s workshop and soon apply for temp work with local head of things and gruff type Shotzie, played by Jeff Bennett. And yes that is his name.  I like Shotzie: he’s a goateed elf and Bennett just plays him well.. hard to explain honestly I may just like his name and Bennett’s voice for him, one he used before in animanaics for various bit parts and in shows after this, it’s just a voice i’ve always liked. 

They get put to work in the mail room, which is the bit I mentioned: Brain earlier scoffed at Santa answering all the letters with Pinky simply suggesting that Santa had his elves go through all of them. Turns out Pinky was right... while he may be a BIT stupid, one intresting thing i’ve found about Pinky after watching the reboot that ironically the friend who comissioned this and I discussed is that he’s not ENTIRELY stupid, it’s just , much like Dan from Dan Vs his knowledge is just random.. he can not know how a lot of things work, but sometimes like in this instance Pinky generally just GETS something. It’s part of why he and Brain are such a good team despite their failures: Brain is all about planning and thought and research, Pinky is about intuition and gut instinct. He just does things and it often works out. This also makes their recently added backstories all the more brilliant as they explain this well: Pinky started life just being told to find the diffrence in cheeses and thus was taught form childhood to trust in himself and his weird brain. Brain was cruelly torturued with an experiment on learned behaviors via electroshock, and was taught to never give up control again, to always know what’s going on and to always control it. It perfectly sums up who the two are and why they are that way.  Brain however quickly pivots, as the mail room ends up being the perfect location to start his plans. Since their job is to file away what each person wants Brain simply adds Noodle Noggin to it and plans to put his plans into the workshop. While Santa and Schotzie are suprised and baffled, Santa quickly adds it to the list. However things hit a snag when Schotzie gets supscious when the two try to sneak into the blueprint room to drop theirs off and he accidently yanks off their disguises leading to a REALLY fun chase scene, as the boys end up in a toy wherehouse and thus try out various toy cars: a barbie dream car that dosen’t have a working motor, a toy truck that dosen’t go very fast, and finally an rc car that while fast naturally just means Schotzie can grab it and capture them. It’s easily my faviorite scene of the episode just for how clever it is and as someone whow as a kid around the time this came out, I applaud the accuracy.. granted I didn’t have any of those personally but I had lots of friends so yeah. 

So our heroes are interrogated.. and again Brain brilliantly pivots. Schotzie assumes since they have the blueprints their spies for the easter bunny or the tooth fairy or Herschel, the Hanukah Goblin. Why Herschel never got his own Hannukah special trying to stop Pinky and the Brain from using it to take over the world, I genuinely do not know and that’s something the reboot really needs to adress in the future. Seriously Hannukah needs a mascot and it’s either Herschel or the Hannukah Zombie. Kwanza already has Kwanzabot. I want to see more of Herschel the Hannukah Goblin dammit!. I love goblins. Especially this one.

And this one

And most of all this one

I likes goblins. It’s a thing. So anyway, point is Schotize has the blueprints taken in while our boys slip out and sucessfully make their way outside, though they have to find a way home to turn on the mind control device. They see Santa and brain being a dick refuses to let pinky hand in his letter.. but does as mentioned earlier have them pose as reindeer.  So our heroes make their way home and in time to be able to activate the device once santa’s route’s finished!

And.. then land directly on the mind control device thing, meaning they now have to scramble to repair it. Oh and Pinky is inconsolable after realizing Santa didn’t get his letter and Brain is a HUGE dick about it. Easily the worst i’ve seen him just far more focused on his machine than his friend’s wel lbeing especially since ALL he needs from pinky is for him to throw one lousy switch. 

But we then get easily the best part of the entire special. As Brain scrambles to rebuild his device while abusing his best friend we get a really nice tense sequence as Brain rebuilds while kids all over the world warmly receive noodle noggin. I mean.. it’s not the creepiest doll I’ve seen a kid enjoy. 

Also Bill Clinton gets one because the series apparently really likes “Bill Clinton is stupid jokes” Oh you poor innocent dears who haven’t had to suffer through the president being revealed to be a sexual predator, the one after him being even dumber if not a predator, the one after that being easily one of the best people around, and the outgoing one being a waking nightmare whose both a preadator and dumb beyond all comprehension ina dangerous and soul crushing way. 

But yeah onto the good part, Brain, for whatever reason, reads the letter.. and finds Pinky asked for nothing. He just wanted to give Brain the world at long last, recognizing his friend really and genuinely means well for it and that he’s worked hard to conquer it. And with that goal in reach, with the very thing he’s always wanted his... Brain instead uses the device to wish a merry christmas. He sees through his friend’s kindess and selflessness that he himself.. has been selfish once again turning something into a world destroying plot and being cruel to his best friend... when all his best friend wanted was to selflessly make sure he finally got what he wanted. It’s then that Brain, for all his cold and cynical logic and superiority complex, realized the true meaning of christmas, which i’ve said before and i’ll say again: it’s about giving, about giving someone something with your heart and soul just to be nice with no expectation of something in return. It’s about being selfless for once instead of selfish. I’ts about love. And Brain loves his friend too much to destroy his faviorite holiday. For once the world can wait.. and for once they all join in saying merry christmas to one another and in love and camradire. And I know not everyone celebrates christmas, there are other winter holidays and not everyone in the world would willingly do this. I know all that.. but the special has such a well meaning message, I really can’t be mad at that or get into the weeds too much> This isn’t some jackass making an entire movie, of which there have been several, saying “There’s a war on christmas” which instead equates to them just bitching about not everyone celebrating HIS holiday. It’s about a mouse for one moment truly being selfless and putting ihs loyal and faithful friend over his greatest want to give him a nice christmas and to do something nice for the world instead of trying to take it. And that.. that’s really damn heartmelting.  So we end on the two exchanging presents, with it being a little extra heartwarming as Brain likely already got Pinky something meaning even before his big revelation, he really does care beneath all the dope slaps. Pinky got him a keychain of the world and rather than be frustrated like you’d think.. Brain just takes it in stride. It is christmas after all.. the world.. it can wait. For now it’s just the two of them having one moment in time, this merry christmas.  Final Thoughts: If it wasn’t obvious, I loved this freaking special. It’s funny, clever and has one hell of an ending. There isn’t much more to say other than go watch it if you have Hulu.. you will not regret it and a sepcial thanks to Blah for comissioning this. it was an amazing time and is now a competitor for a spot on my best christmas special list. For now though it’s just really good and I say go check it out. Merry christmas, happy holidays and later days. 

[normal-thoughts-official]

I'm ignoring my responsibilities in favor of watching the All Malec Moments video compilation so get ready for a livewatch no one asked for

Hodge is so incredibly wrong about everything he says about Magnus and it's kind of impressive because all he says is heavily supported by the Clave's files, which. Is proof of how great Magnus is at manipulating them and having them think exactly what he wants them to, tbh. Especially considering that as much as Magnus closes off emotionally, he was always very caring and kind to all other downworlders and warlocks, like, they all know they can trust him, he was named HWoB, he has a thousand kids, he took them all into hiding, etc. But the Clave and circle members are still 100% sure he's a super greedy lothario who's good for nothing but partying, and like. Obviously it's because they racist but they have an intelligence system and a file full of pictures and information and it all seems to support what Hodge is saying about him. So like Magnus was quite literally living a double life, with a whole personality he put up for shadowhunters and enemies, and another for his allies and friends, and even that one isnt 100% him because he was still trying to protect himself by closing himself off from relationships. and thats fucking impressive like my man is so smart i love him

Their first official talk is so funny magnus literally goes "I'm magnus" and Alec goes "Alec" and then he smiles and then he just goes. "Oh yeah right we should uh we should go to the hmm youhavebeautifuleyes what's it called hm" and its hilarious because they exchanged three (3) words and Alec is already all lost because Magnus is just That Beautiful. also all Magnus has to do is introduce himself and Alec smiles for the first time in 4 episodes like bro. bro. seriously. help him

he's SO frustrated when Alec doesn't get the "i love a dirty lair" flirt like he does that little eyebrow raise and hes just like "what the hell i thought that was GOOD" but Alec's head is legit playing wii music

Magnus pays izzy for "defending the warlocks" i had forgotten about that and it makes me so soft ;-;

Magnus and Izzy were just vibing with magnus asking her what presents Alec likes and clary immediately interrupts to ask about the memory demon like homophobic from day one i guess

Magnus is positively impressed by the way Clary goes "I'll do anything to save my mother" you can see how much he values loyalty right then have i mentioned that i love him

we talk about the "I'm talking to you" part a lot but we never mention how Magnus just throws that one and yeets off with clary not even waiting for a reaction he's just like that's RIGHT bitch you have beautiful hazel eyes too! do with that what you will i am now summoning a demon goodbye forever

the second him and Clary are away from the rest he tells her not to trust anyone and to be careful, like... ugh he cares so much it's unreal and again very deliberate, flirt a little, give izzy a necklace, throw in some innuendos, make it seem like it's all very innocuous so no one bothers to follow them or listen in when he goes away with Clary alone, and then immediately warn her about the clave when he gets away from the others. like he cares so much and he's so good at keeping that visible only for those he wants to it's astounding, my man is so talented and i hate that he had to learn to do that to survive but god i admire him and how committed he is to helping others too. like he could say "welp who cares it's dangerous imma go fuck off" like ragnor did but not only did he stay but he had a huge vulnerability with all his generosity and he never gave that up not for a second, even as he closed himself off from having any close friends or family or lovers, he never was anything if not generous and kind

the way he deliberately calls Jace shadowhunter in the most uninterested and even lowkey condescending way after the "pretty boy" incident idndjdndi we stan a king

the way Alec and magnus hold hands to summon the demon and even Magnus seems a bit shocked at the intensity of the sound and the bond that they make like. obviously they have their little staring contest and Alec is doing the Lightwood Intensity™ thing but like you can see Magnus frown just slightly and be a little confused because it was so strong right off the bat. even the sound of when they hold hands is louder than when the others do, like you can just feel their connection and the way magnus' magic flows so freely through Alec like god the soulmate energy tbh

Alec has a full body jerk when they hold hands too and he's the only one like damn we get it u 2 r vibin get a room

Izzy going "you ppl are pathetic" straight to the hets is so funny especially after Alec reacted to holding magnus' hand like he had gotten a 1000W electric shock or something. but i get the feel maybe she did that deliberately so they wouldnt pay as much attention to Alec's reaction too

the special effects were truly so bad like we all knew this but damn

Jace is such an asshole like Alec made it to kill the demon because it was you know about to seriously hurt them all and Magnus had just said that he couldn't contain the demon for longer (and like we know that Alec is the only one who ever cared if Magnus overexerted himself out of the shadowhunters but like bro this affects you) and Jace just???? shoved him??????? against the wall???? like a fucking piece of shit??? they should have let valak kill him tbh

the first time magnus calls him Alexander is when he calls Alec to see if he wants a drink and it's just like very clearly a thing that's supposed to be between them two? like he never did it when there were others nearby and i dig that

the fact that when asking Alec out he said "it was nice getting to know you, you seem sympathetic" like he could have gone with a lot of better more flirty adjectives but for a second the truth slipped out and he said what he thought - that while Alec was objectively you know tall and strong and all what really attracted him was the way Alec clearly gave a fuck whether or not Magnus was struggling with his magic to keep the damn demon at bay. and that was before the magic sharing shit too when Alec proved him right by cleaning up his things and saying that he had exerted himself enough for one day. like so many ppl see Magnus as the All Powerful Son Of Asmodeus Who's Also There To Service Shadowhunters and Alec just shows the faintest signs of caring about his wellbeing and he's immediately drawn to him like damn Im sad

also maybe this might be why he asked Alec to come so he could draw from his strength specifically, like he knew from the little hand holding thing that Alec was open and receptive to his magic (which probably adds to the "sympathetic" stuff like the fact that Alec had such an intense reaction to his magic and yet didnt try to push it back or draw away from it basically shows that he's open to Magnus if that makes sense? not only because magic is a part of warlocks but also because shadowhunters are all taught that magic is like, dirty and evil, so it would be instinctive for Alec to be resistant to demonic magic in his body, but he wasn't, he accepted it so readily and intensely it was a shock to the both of them) and also that he cared enough to support him. he kinda had Magnus' back from the beginning, first killing that circle member in the club before Magnus even saw him, then helping Magnus kill the other, then immediately making it to kill the demon when Magnus said he couldn't hold him back for long. like im aware I'm reading too much into this but s1 malec was very kept to the between-the-lines and its very interesting to me to think what Magnus was thinking, even if obviously on a subconscious level. Alec was showing himself to be open, reliable and caring, and magnus values that, and hes attracted to him and he hasnt had that in a while, because he wouldnt allow himself, but now he's healing and the pull he feels when he finally gets that while being emotionally available enough to accept these little gestures of caring is really strong. love that for him tbh

i go FERAL over everything about the magic sharing shit okay i always have. the way alec shows up and Magnus is kind of falling over, exhausted from trying to hold onto luke, and Alec immediately runs to support his weight and make sure hes okay? and magnus even as he was about to fall over never had his magic falter, my man couldn't keep his balance but still wouldnt come close to stumbling and risking luke's life further for even a second. so when Alec gets there he's just quite literally having his back, supporting his weight, when even Magnus didnt care about that (which like. unhealthy) and was focused on luke? and like Magnus can focus on luke because Alec is there to give him his support and make sure he's fine and how long's it been since he last had someone to do that?? and it's clearly alec's first instinct and like we know Jace or even Clary wouldnt fucking react like that. and then they have this ridiculous fucking staring contest again like we get it alec you're gay panicking at Magnus' beautiful eyes but like pls? and then we get to the most important part which is TAKE WHAT YOU NEED

like JDNDJSNSKDNDJDBSHSBSUSNSISNSIBSZJBZUZBSJSBSISNSSINSIS *SCREAMS INTO OBLIVION, SENDING SELF OUT OF EARTH'S GRAVITY ZONE*

his reaction is just SO intense and immediate he's just like "take what you need" he just offers himself fully to help Magnus just like that, no hesitation, and like Magnus is literally drawing from Alec's strength/life force, there should be some kind of resistance, even from a regular person or a friend, like its a very natural instinct. but Alec just grabs his hand and goes take what you need and he doesn't resist he just lets him do it and lets Magnus take his strength, because he genuinely worries about his wellbeing and safety just because he does, he believes in protecting others and being there for them, same as Magnus, and to Alec it's the most natural thing in the world but to Magnus it's shocking because he's always been self reliant, he has to be, he's been alone too many times and he's been used too many times and he's scared of what he'll let people take from him if he opens himself up because he always gives and gives, and he hasnt even let anyone be there for him to have his back and give him support when he needed in these last few centuries, not fully, not since Camille. but Alec shows up and just immediately cares for him in both small (like later when he refuses to let Magnus clean his couch magically because he knows he's tired and does it himself) and huge (like literally not hesitating before letting Magnus use a super intimate and presumably draining spell on him without putting any kind of limit, so Magnus can not overexert himself like he always does) ways and it means so much to him? and hes just so drawn and attracted to him and suddenly he realizes he's catching feelings that he had forgotten how to, because of course he had been healing and opening up, but he still kept people at some kind of length that didnt allow them to take care of him even if they wanted to, but Alec got that opening and he dived right in, and Magnus realizes how starved he's been for this kind of care and support that he's been denying himself and he decides to chase this, take it seriously, and i just aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

and like again Alec doesn't even think twice about it, because he's always been the protector and the support anyway, and he doesn't want to let anyone struggle and also most of that is just him being a Decent Human Being, but just like he got that opening that no one else did before, he met Magnus at the right time and he was sympathetic and caring and that sparked so much in Magnus, made him realize just how much he's been craving affection and care and close contact with people, and being vulnerable emotionally, and all of that that he's been denying himself. obviously magnus is romantically attracted to him but right then Alec is unlocking honesty with himself inside of magnus, he's unlocking vulnerability and not using it against him but really making a good thing out of it, and magnus' forgotten it could feel like this, safe and nice instead of hurting and scary. and again it's such a simple gesture but fuck my boy's been starved!! for so long!!! okay! and he can't help but want to desperately clutch to that feeling because against all odds he trusts alec to see his vulnerability right then (and he deliberately lets him see it further when he gives Alec that drink, tells him he's been closed off, that alec's unlocked something in him. you can see all the sadness and hope and vulnerability in his eyes right then, pretty much for the first time in the show, hes just so open and vulnerable and that's deliberate! first time was a fluke but second time he's choosing to because he wants to see where this goes, and if the magic sharing scene is the spark, the drinking scene is the fire, because they're not in a life or death situation anymore, Magnus is choosing to give Alec a chance by showing him a glimpse of his insecurities and Alec answers in kind, letting Magnus see his own confusion and want, and also again shows his caring and doesn't betray or use magnus' vulnerability and fuck!!! Magnus falls in love right then because this boy stays with him all night and talks, and he sees Magnus look at him with shiny eyes and admit that he's been scared of relationships, and he tells magnus not to overexert himself, and they click and Alec is open to his magic and hes funny and hes compassionate and also passionate about what he believes in, and they have so much in common with the way they hide and care so deeply and protect others always and are so loyal and i just. udndjdndidjdjxnxjxnskxndk SOULMATES god)

I need to lie down actually this was a bad idea I'm not strong enough I'm too feral

Might continue this later who knows. I'll be tagging malec livewatch and also long post as always if you want to filter this nonsense out

[chriscdcase95]

How not to debate Ships and Shipping

I am writing this from personal experience, and from noticing bad cases of Ship Policing going on in the Hazbin Hotel and Star Wars fandom as of late. I figured a bunch of kids got too much computer time from their parents and are in need of education, because this is a more extreme throwback to the shipping wars that occurred in the Twilight and iCarly fanbase from way back when. 

Since 2010, I have found myself a little immersed into the practice of shipping. At the start of this decade, I was Team Edward/Team Jacob levels of ship crazy, and here I am now with a new perspective on things. 

I've even devolved into multi shipping, but I apply that when it comes to compartmentalizing fanfiction and canon. I have my share of OTP's and NOTP's (although Jemma of Every Witch Way is personally my top NOTP for multiple reasons).

Anyways, welcome to my TedTalk where I will educate you ten to fifteen year old's about how not to debate ships. Take it from an old geezer with ten years of experience, I was there in the middle of ship wars at the start of the decade.

I said in previous posts that ships are a funny thing. They should be small in the grand scheme of things, and fans put them on this great and grand pedestals. Some to the extent where people become downright psychotic bullies about the ships they like or don't like, going as far as to police ships to other fans, and sometimes creators. I think we can agree Ship Policing should be seen as toxic behaviour, right ? Well, no. I'll admit that is a complex issue, even for a multi shipper like me. I brought this up in two Facebook groups I'm in, and the basic consensus is that Ship Policing is toxic behaviour -  except when they romanticize domestic violence, rape, pedophilia, etc.

But what is Ship Policing ?  Simply put, telling people who they are or are not allowed to ship; bullying and shaming others over their ships; and in the biggest extreme, sending death threats and rape threats to other fans over these pairings. The Jemma fans of Every Witch Way for example, are probably the biggest example of Ship Policing, seeing as they literally got the showrunners to rewrite the show to fit their ships fanfiction AU image. But that's neither here nor there, but the point is, AU's are best left to fanfiction or It's A Wonderful Life plots.

Similarly, the Hazbin Hotel fandom had this (hopefully/mercifully one) really bad apple coming the Chalastor fandom, who went on homophobic speeches and demanding that the showrunners make Chalastor canon over Chaggie because and RadioDust- in their own words - "Gays are gross" and went as far as to send death threats to the creators. Because that will certainly make your ship canon, and not make you and yours look like the Jemma fandom.

A less malicious and more hilariously petty example comes from The Loud House fandom, where Luanny fans tend to get butthurt over fans, fics and art of the Luaggie ship, despite the Luanny already being canon and Luaggie only ever existing in fanworks. It was such a one sided non-issue, that it was the Spec Ops the Line of ship wars.

Also within the Loud House fandom there is an artist who made OC's based off of his ships AU. I'm not into the ship or AU, but I saw him getting death threats not just to himself, but his OC's as well. I may not be fully aware of the situation (like I just said, I don't follow the ship or AU), but even I can call this a toxic and illogical way of thinking.

To make a primary and personal example for this lecture, I am going to bring up the most outlandish ship discussion I was part of the past year. Some time ago, I ended up in a debate regarding Kim Possible ships in a Facebook group I posted on. In it I said I wasn't into non canon but popular ship called Kigo. When I re-watched the series, the Drakgo and Kim x Ron (the latter of which I just realized didn't have a ship name) just kind of grew on, and I felt that there were some problems with Kigo as a romantic relationship.

Now I want to make sure to point out that if you like Kigo, that is 100% okay, it is just in my opinion that it would be problematic. It's my personal opinion that if you apply their canon characterization, you'll run into the same problems Anti Reylos have with Rey and Ben. Anyways, when I said my peace, most of the Kigo's didn't make a big deal about it; they took it in stride; calmly disagreed with me and stated their stance. This is what a proper ship discussion should be. It would have been one of the most stable, non toxic discussions I was a part of. Nothing memorable was supposed to happen.

Then she came along.

Since she isn't internet famous on this site or others as far as I know, I am not going to use real names because I don't want this person to be doxxed, stalked or cyberbullied, but I will us LP as a substitute. She will be our example of what a toxic anti will look like, and our example of how not to debate or discuss a ship. Simply put, if she had the fame, she would be the TrueLoveHeart94 of the Kigo fandom (look up Dumbsville's videos on him YouTube, and you'll get a good idea of what I'm talking about).

One of the first things to use is a simple explanation for your stance. When I was explaining my stance, I explained how I came to my conclusions simply by watching the show, putting some thought into it, and making my own opinion based on what I observed. Like I said these were my opinions, observations, and at no point do I claim it to be some objective fact. At no point to attack Kigo's, at no point did I call them toxic. The most I did was explain why I find it problematic. Like I said, if you like Kigo that is 100% fine and dandy, you'll get not hate or bullying from me.

LP on the other hand, well she just couldn't accept that someone didn't like Kigo. How dare I prefer two canonically heterosexual characters in a canon het ship. How dare I commit the crime of having an unpopular, differing opinion. Even worse how dare I try to explain my reasoning. 

It was one of those fan discussions. Now when I thought this was going to be a civil discussion, I asked her just why I was wrong not to ship Kigo. Why is Kim x Ron or Drakgo so toxic ? She didn't really give me a real answer; the closest she got to a coherent response was a borderline Darwinist rant about how "strong women shouldn't date weakling men".

That was what should have made me think "is this discussion worth having ?" (For the record, some of my favourite ship dynamics is with a tough or strong woman with a meek, even nerdish man so the whole "the strong shouldn't be paired up with weaklings" is a non argument to me).

Pretty soon she began breaking the following steps one should take in a debate

. Don't use double standards or Non Sequiturs - First thing you should be aware of in any debate is to actually listen too and answer you're opponents points. The talking points of dodging questions, or ignoring answers - a well as using those same answer to support your points - is an inherently dishonest tactic. If you have a point or counterpoint, it'll do you good not to use dishonest tactics to try to "win" your debates.

One of the things I had issues with regarding Kigo was one of the same points (if not the main) LP raised for the ship. As I said above one of my problems was some of the same talking points Anti-Reylo's raise. I pointed out how Kim and Shego have tried to kill each other a few times in the series, something LP both acknowledges and ignores in the exact same sentence. LP's own talking points for their relationship was their romantic/sexual chemistry could be seen in their fight scenes. This is an example of a Double Standard.

When I pointed out the abusive implications of this thought process, rather than directly answer this, LP went on to equate my point as accusing professional wrestlers of being abusive to their wives. This is an example of a Non Sequitur. She doesn't answer or address my points, and my points don't count unless they support her argument.

Double standards and Non Sequiturs in general should be avoided in any kind of debate. If a talking point is raised against you, it has to be addressed. Not doing so is a less dignified admission that you don't really have an answer.

Another example of this can be seen in the Team Edward vs Team Jacob noise; a Team Jacob fan could say that Edward was a stalker towards Bella, ignoring and dodging a counter argument of Jacob's "Nice Guy" attitude towards Bella and how he forcibly kissed her (also there's Charlie's non reaction to this, but that's beside the point). The same goes vice versa; both are problematic.

Use canon evidence to make your point - Admittedly this one can only really apply if you are making a case for a non canon ship, or pointing out problems with a canon one.

Now the reason LP was so impassioned about her arguments was her insistence that Kigo had to be canon. As she said, it wasn't enough that it was popular enough as a fanfic ship; it wasn't enough that I had to ship it; but she was trying to make the case that Kigo had to be the canon ship of the show, and she was trying to make the case for it.

TrueLoveHeart94 thought process aside, if  you want to make a canon case for your ship, it'll do you good in ship debates is use canon evidence. What I am saying is there are some ships that work in canon, others in fanfiction. If you were to make a point to prove your ship would work in canon, use canon examples.

For example, I mentioned above someone in the Hazbin Hotel fandom tried to make the canon case for Chalastor....by citing their personal homophobia and making death threats towards Ashley and Vivziepop.

In the debate, I used the show to explain why I wasn't into Kigo (as well as my above mentioned reasons) and I mentioned how I didn't see much in canon to see a romantic relationship. Now I want to be clear, I saw Kigo as a fanfic based ship and I am aware that Drakken and Shego seemingly reform at the end of the series, but with canon at best I see Kim and Shego as having a sisterly relationship. I also want to be clear I am not a canon purist. There are many non canon couples I like, I am a multi-shipper after all and I can compartmentalize fanfic couples with my canon OTP's. And I am a supporter of AU's. Hell, there's even Hero x Villain ships I am into...it's just Kigo isn't one of them. I am not an anti; I don't hate the Kigo relationship or it's fan; I just wasn't into it and the canon ships just grew on me when I revisited the series.

When I asked for canon examples that Kigo could work as a romantic pairing, LP's response was to cite fanfiction and fan art as proof.

Let me repeat; I asked for canon examples to prove her point, and why my stance was wrong....and she used fanworks.

I don't think I need to explain the problem here.

To my knowledge, not even TrueLoveHeart94 uses fanfiction/art to make a canon case for Sonamy. This is the kind of straw grasping I can see Chris Weston Chandler making. I don't even know what else to say about this. I still get slacked thinking about it.

Anyway, when I said the fanfiction isn't considered canon, LP responded thusly...

Avoid Ad Hominems and slander

Okay, this one should be a no brainer; when you are in a debate of any kind, there is one thing you can do that means you immediately loose your debate. Your points no longer become valid, you surrender any argument you may have, and you prove that you are not worth debating.

Ad Hominems, personal insults, death/rape threats, racist/homophobic ranting, slander, etc.

Let's just say the nicer things LP said was calling me retarded. I am not sure if that was a coincidence since I mentioned that I was autistic earlier in the discussion.

Keep in mind, all I did throughout the discussion was answer LP's questions, and explain my stance. I even said that it was just my opinion and at no point did I claim it to be objective fact.  At no point did I accuse LP of being racist; a nazi; biphobe; rape/abuse apologist; self-misogynist or misandrist; I never called her abelist (despite some of what she said above).

As for what she said to me ? Like I said, being called a retard was one of the more tame things she said of me. She kept sending me notifications that included angry, barely coherent rants, TrIgGeReD tExT, the whole nine yards.

See, this isn't how you win debates, this is how you rage quit these debates. To give you an idea of the way she was saying, I refer you to Dumbsville's videos on TrueLoveHeart94; the resemblance between LP and TrueLoveHearts comments are rather uncanny. Now for context, the discussion started approx. 6:00 to 7:00 PM...these notifications have been ongoing well into 1:30 AM.

And all this because I said I wasn't into a ship she liked.

That is when I put a stop to the discussion. I blocked LP and deleted the discussion just to be safe.

Conclusion

So as we start the new decade, I look back at how much I've seen making mountains out of molehills (shipping wars). I have seen, heard, even been part of these ship wars and discussions since  2010. My disastrous "debate" with LP is a recent example.

I do believe there is nothing wrong with discussing ships, but it has ben ten years and ship wars are just as bad as they were when Twilight hit the scene. I have heard stories of people getting threats of rape, doxing, threats to people families; people pushing others to self harm for liking "the wrong ship".

I wrote this to educate the young and impressionable in the 2020's not to repeat the same mistakes both I and others made in 2010. The fact the LP incidents is from 2019 and the incident with the Hazbin Hotel fandom are from December 2019 alone, shows that you good folks need some learning to do. Something that should be considered fun shouldn't be something worth hurting yourself or others over.

If you ever find yourself in such a debate, always remember to actually address points raised against you; don't dodge questions; if asked to provide canon reasons for why something should be a canonical OTP or NOTP, please remember that fanfiction are not considered canon examples; if you ever find yourself throwing nasty accusations, insults or threats to people's safety in a debate, then that means you lost the debate.

Hopefully you can follow this advise, and help make shipping fun again, and not something to start World War III over.

This had been my Ted Talk.

[cake-writes]

Little Lies (Kentucky)

Pairings: Steve x Reader // Bucky x Reader (mentioned)

Chapter Warnings: Angst, Smut, Fluff, Oral (Receiving), 18+

Summary: You went to Bucky when you wanted punishment. He’d be rough with you because he understood your self-loathing, and he’d leave bruises on your hips that wouldn’t go away for a week. You loved it. He didn’t.

You went to Steve when you wanted reassurance. You went to him because he liked to whisper sweet, sweet things into your ear as he made love to you. He’d tell you that you were perfect and amazing and beautiful. Then you’d get your fill, just far too much of it. He cared too much.

It all came to a head when the three of you went on a mission together. You’d done it a hundred times, even during this mess of a situation, and still neither of them was any the wiser. Your little lies always slipped right through the cracks - until one night, they didn’t.

Master List

August 2015

Kentucky was absolutely sweltering. It was a hot summer, for one, and for two, Steve was from Brooklyn. He wasn’t used to such sticky, uncomfortable heat because New York summers were much milder than this and Germany’s were much of the same. He wasn’t used to the humidity, either, even after you’d managed to wrangle him into a tank top, cargo shorts, and flip-flops. It was much less stifling than his uniform or even his civvies, but he felt out of place in such bizarre, 21st century clothing.

Then again, that was exactly the point. He was undercover. You both were.

You, on the other hand, seemed right in your element as the two of you unloaded the moving van you’d just picked up a few miles away from one of Tony’s associates. It was stocked full of boxes – mostly empty ones, just for show – along with a couple pieces of furniture: table and chairs, a small sofa, and a bed.

You were wearing a tee shirt with some faded band logo on it – Steve didn’t recognize it – and a pair of short denim shorts. Those he recognized only because Sam had teased you about them right before the two of you left the compound – called them ‘Daisy Dukes,’ whatever that meant. You’d just winked at Sam, made a lasso motion with your hands and cheered, “yee-haw,” like a cowgirl. Then you and Sam shared a laugh. It was a reference that Steve clearly didn’t get, but that was fine. It gave him something to think about, to distract him from how short those shorts really were.

The flight to Kentucky had been fine. You hammed it up a bit, already putting on the newlywed façade – told the flight attendant that you’d just gotten married and darlin’, isn’t my new hubby just the greatest? and it flustered him. You were showing him off. Even if it wasn’t real, he couldn’t help but preen a little.

That said, there was no doubt in his mind that someone else would have better suited the role than him. The decision wasn’t up to him, though; there had quite literally been a vote to see who should take this mission, and he’d been selected the prime candidate because of course he was. Everyone thought it would be hilarious to shove you and him together in a box for a couple weeks, like some warped version of Seven Minutes in Heaven: you, the scandalous minx you were, and him, the prude.

Steve didn’t mind it, really. He was actually a little excited for it. Nervous, too. He was in love with you, had been for months now. He knew should have said no to the mission because of the clear conflict of interest but he didn’t.

His attraction to you started out as an objective appreciation for the way you could handle yourself in the field. He noticed the glimmer you got in your eyes from a fight, when you did something perfectly or landed a particularly good blow or when he saved your ass at the last minute. He noticed the excited flush that came over your cheeks and the mischievous look you got when you fought alongside him, the two of you working together so well that it was almost like an elaborate dance.  

He’d had always known how attractive you were in other ways, too. Every now and then, he’d catch the slip of a bra strap, or you’d lean over and your shirt would accidentally reveal far too much cleavage. Sometimes, you’d wear a short, tight dress and go out to a nightclub with Natasha, and he could barely keep his eyes off of you. Other times, the hint of your thong peeked out of the top of your tac pants. Not often.

He tried not to look. You drove him crazy.

The mission itself was the easy part. The two of you were undercover in this small Kentucky town to find out where some particularly important intel had been downloaded. Tony’s satellites had only been able to pinpoint it to a one block radius, which coincidentally was smack dab in the middle of suburbia.

Your new residence was a charming little house at the end of a cul-de-sac, two bedrooms, one bath. A white picket fence bordered the yard, with pretty pink and purple flowers blooming under the windowsills and in the front garden. The exterior was painted light blue and it seemed a bit older, likely heritage – almost looked like something from his childhood, if he was being honest.

The moment Steve saw it – really, truly took it in – it made him stop in his tracks.

Some people actually got to have lives like this. They married, settled down, popped out a couple of kids, maybe got a dog. They had normal, ordinary lives. He wondered for a moment if this was what it felt like.

Your shoulder brushed against his as you made your way up the paved driveway, carrying a big box. You were humming some tune he didn’t recognize. He just stood there like an idiot, watching you as you went inside to add the box to the ever-growing pile and when you came back out, you waved at someone – one of the nosy neighbours, no doubt.

Then you gave him a sweet smile. “Honey?”

God, the word was so, so sweet on your tongue and it made his heart race. Somehow, he managed to get out an easy, “Yeah, sweetheart?”

It felt so strange and unfamiliar to use such words of adoration for you, but he certainly didn’t mind it in the least. It felt nice. While he called you ‘doll’ every now and then out of habit, he tried not to out of respect for you. Now he didn’t need to hold back.

“Do you wanna come help me with this? I can’t lift it.”

“Of course,” he responded, readjusting his grip on the box in his arms before he started up the walkway.

You waited for him at the door. When he got there, you gave him another one of those sweet, disarming smiles, and then you kissed him on the cheek, batting your eyelashes at him.

It was an act, of course, to appease the nosy neighbours and it also helped the two of you blend in. You were just trying to sell the story, and he knew that – but this was a terrible idea. He wasn’t sure how long it would to take to finish the mission, but he hoped it was sooner rather than later. You were going to be the death of him with the pet names, the southern drawl, the skimpy outfits and, just – you.

The house was pretty much already stocked with anything either of you would need. There were two bedrooms, one for each of you, but you’d have to share a bathroom. That was fine, because you’d done it plenty of times before during other missions. It was actually pretty nice that you had your own rooms, for once, because you usually had to share a single motel room or set up camp somewhere outside.

The first night, you ordered takeout because that was pretty much a moving day tradition. The two of you joked around like usual and talked about all sorts of things, but none of them were really personal. You kept the conversation breezy and light, even when it drifted to the mission at hand. Over beer and pizza, the two of you developed a plan to canvas the area. You’d distract the neighbours while Steve got into their homes and searched for the intel. Easy as pie.

Quite literally.

Steve was a heavy sleeper, but he woke to the smell of warm apple pie wafting through the house. It was still relatively early, sun just rising above the horizon, but you were already putting the plan into action.

When he came downstairs, he caught a particularly nice view of your ass as you leaned over to pull the pie from the oven. You weren’t wearing those short denim shorts anymore, but a pair of tight high-waisted jeans and a crop top.

“Mornin’, sugar,” you said with a wink.

It caught him off guard. He remembered that the two of you were undercover, but it wasn’t necessary behind closed doors like this. You were purposely trying to get a rise out of him.

He gave you a deadpan look, but he still felt his cheeks flush and, when he saw your eyes shine mischievously, he knew you’d noticed it too.

“Didn’t realize apple pie counted as breakfast nowadays,” he commented.

“Come on, Cap. We deep fry everything nowadays. Of course it’s breakfast,” you told him, laughing. He studied your face for a moment, and then, when he actually went to reach for the freshly baked pie, like this was yet some more knowledge that he’d never learnt while he was frozen – you gently pulled his hand away. “Oh, no, I’m sorry, Rogers. It’s for our cover.”

You rarely apologized for anything, but for this – for him, you did. The fact that he’d been frozen for so many years wasn’t something to joke about to you, even if it was unintentional. You hadn’t meant to make a joke of it.

Steve looked a little surprised by that. It didn’t really bother him all that much when people made jokes at his expense. Sensitive topic, absolutely, but the jokes were never malicious and he knew that. It was more prodding fun at the fact that while yes, he’d certainly missed a lot, it also meant that people were looking out for him, suggesting to him things that he should look into.

Your warm fingers lingered on his hand just a little longer than they should have.

He shook his head. “Don’t worry. I’m used to it. There’s a lot of stuff I need to catch up on.”

“Got a list going, huh?” you teased.

“Yeah, actually,” he said with a grin, pulling a small notebook out of his pocket. “Sure do.”

That morning, the two of you went through his list one by one, and you gave some comments and suggestions of your own. Instead of writing them himself, like he usually did, he relinquished the pen and paper to you.

Steve inadvertently wound up saving those notes, and on particularly bad days, he found himself studying every curve of your handwriting, like it held whatever answer he was seeking.

Over the next few days, he came to realize that you were purposely fucking with him.

You’d always been a tee shirt and jeans kind of girl, at least in the couple of years he’d known you, but for this mission all you wore were cute, dainty outfits. You started wearing floral dresses or the occasional blouse and skirt, paired with light makeup and heels. You hardly ever wore makeup or heels unless you were going out with Natasha.

You were playing a character. He knew that. But seeing you in such a different light, so sweet and girly, it did something to him. It sparked something in him – or maybe it just added fuel to the fire that was already burning for you.

He’d always treated you respectfully, at least he liked to think so. Even though he’d had an undeniable attraction to you for a long time – longer than he’d been in love with you – he’d always treated you like an agent first and a woman second. Seeing you like this, though, it made that an extremely difficult task to accomplish, especially when you were calling him, “Honey,” and “Baby,” and introducing him to your new neighbours as your husband.

He loved seeing that ring on your left ring finger. There was a matching one on his, and a large part of him wished it was real.

After about a week, neither of you had made any headway in your mission yet. The two of you had tried multiple residences nearby, now, but no luck so far. It became routine, almost, the way you went about your days.

Steve was a morning person. He woke early to go for a run, much earlier than you, even before the sun started to rise. The small house you shared was a little older, and the floorboards creaked as he crept past your room to go downstairs in the early hours. It never failed to wake you, but hearing the gentle creaking every morning soon became a comfort that you never realized you’d miss until after it was gone.

You, on the other hand, were a night owl. You stayed up late on the sofa downstairs, using your work tablet to investigate new leads and potential suspects well after Steve went to bed. Of course, that only did so much to distract you from the fact that the eerie quiet of the small town got to you. It made you relive memories you’d rather forget.

When you were alone, that was when you suffered most. Unfortunately, Bucky wasn’t here to help you. You’d only recently discovered how good he was at making you forget, but for this, you’d just have to make do on your own like you’d done for so long already.

It was more difficult than ever before.

You followed Steve up to bed once, with every intention of starting something you knew you shouldn’t. He was in the middle of brushing his teeth when he found you standing at the top of the stairs, staring at him in a way that just a little bit unsettling.

He pulled his toothbrush from his mouth and asked, “What’s the matter, doll?”

He was too sweet. You lost your nerve.

“Forgot my phone,” you said blankly, before you held it up like it was proof that your intention hadn’t been anything but innocuous.  

Steve just shrugged and went back to brushing his teeth, completely oblivious as to what you’d nearly done. You’d nearly crossed a line that shouldn’t be crossed. Not again. You’d already done it with Bucky. You didn’t need to do it with Steve, too.

Despite it all, some nights you needed to be held – especially here in this awful quiet town that made it so easy for you to lose yourself in your memories. You needed to be treated sweetly, and in a lot of ways, Steve did that for you. Not intentionally, of course; just a kind look here, a gentle hand on your lower back there, not to mention the praise he offered you sometimes. He often told you after missions that you’d done a good job.

Good job. From his lips, it almost sounded like he was saying good girl.

What really did it for you, though, was that you didn’t even have to say a thing for Steve to know you were doing your best. He didn’t know you, not really, aside from one single side of you that he knew almost too well – the small part of you that wanted his praise, along with his acceptance of your mistakes. Steve had seen you make a number of them over the past couple of years, and despite them all, he always treated you so kindly. He never judged you or blamed you for them.

You never, ever let anyone else see you that way, let alone Bucky because if he did, then he’d have seen far too much. You only let people have a glimpse of who you truly were here and there, because if they saw too many sides of you, then they’d be able to piece together who you really were deep down. It wasn’t pretty.

You offered Bucky the dangerous, broken part of yourself, the one that killed and murdered and didn’t feel a lick of remorse. You got him to punish you, ruin you, break you, because that was what that part of you deserved – and he was so, so good at it. You loved him for it. You thanked him. That side of you well and truly belonged to him. You never showed it to anyone else.  

Not that you’d ever tell him that.

The other part of you that Steve got to see – the sweet, clueless girl who did her best and it just wasn’t good enough sometimes – that part of you was all his.

Not that you’d ever tell him that, either.

Your weakest point was always late at night when you were alone. You found yourself coming closer and closer to climbing into Steve’s bed more frequently as the days passed, but you held strong. Somehow, you managed.

Sometimes you stopped yourself when you got to the top of the stairs, staring at his closed bedroom door. Other times, you found yourself in his bedroom, taking in every bit of his peaceful, sleeping face. Once and only once, you ran your fingers through his hair and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. On that particular night, you very nearly hadn’t stopped there – but you managed.

You always managed.

During the day, you put on a façade just like you’d always done. It was routine. It almost felt normal to do this – to cohabitate, to get groceries and toilet paper, to worry about how your lemon bars were going to turn out today – but you never let yourself fall too deep into that normal, ordinary line of thinking because you knew how hard it would be to pull yourself out of it.

Every day, Steve went for an early morning jog, and after he’d come back and showered, you finally started to rouse. By the time you sluggishly made your way downstairs, he was in the kitchen fixing breakfast for the two of you. He never failed to have a hot cup of coffee waiting for you with the exact amount of cream and sugar you liked.

It was the same every day, and some part of you – that sweet, clueless girl – loved every part of it. The normalcy. The domesticity.  

Your pet names for each other started to become insufferable in the best way. You used to greet him with normal ones – honey, baby, sweetheart – and he did the same. As the days passed, though, in private the two of you got more and more ridiculous to the point that you made each other laugh with them. And, every now and then when one of them slipped out in public, it only added to your newlywed persona.

“Good morning, honeybun,” you said airily, taking a seat at the counter where you’d plugged in your work tablet the night before.  

Steve gave you a grin just like he always did when you said a particularly silly one. “Morning, gorgeous.”

He didn’t blush as easily anymore when he said such sweet things to you. You assumed that he must have just gotten used to it, but it was a little bit disappointing. You loved to rile him up.

As he dished up two plates of pancakes, you took a sip of the coffee he made for you and scrolled through the new intel from HQ that had come through during the night. There wasn’t much, just another potential location to check out.

After a quick breakfast, Steve did check it out, and it was yet another dead end. It was well into the afternoon by the time he was finished. On your side of things, you spent the day distracting the residents of that particular home so that Steve could get in and out unseen.  

You met up a block away, and on your way back to your new home, you remembered that you needed to pick something up for dinner. The two of you took a detour to the corner store where you usually got your groceries.

Steve was wearing his favourite baseball cap and sunglasses, and you were in a particularly flattering sundress and wedge heels. The mid-afternoon weather was lovely – hot, but not quite as sweltering as most other days. It was nice.

It was almost second nature at this point for you to reach out and lace your fingers with his. The first time you’d done it, he looked surprised as hell and the flush that came across his face made your heart race. Now, he just offered you a small smile and pressed a kiss to the back of your hand like he’d done it a thousand times before.

It still made your heart race.  

All things considered, it seemed like a normal day – except it wasn’t. You should have noticed the extra staff at the corner store. You should have noticed the bulk around their waists – guns – but you didn’t. You were too focused on what to make for dinner. For the first time in a very, very long time, you let your guard down. You forgot.

Steve did notice, but it took him a little longer than normal, too. When you felt his familiar hand on your lower back press against you just a little more firmly, you immediately knew something was up but you continued to act like everything was just peachy, even when he whispered into your ear, “We need to go.”

You didn’t have to be told twice. You grabbed a couple of random things from the shelves: two tins of beans, a bag of chips, and a candy bar, and then the two of you made your way to the register. You paid in cash. Steve carried the bag for you on the way out.

It wasn’t difficult to notice the two men on your tail. Your cover was blown. Somehow, your cover was blown and you hadn’t even fucking noticed because you were too distracted by this newlywed façade. You were too distracted by what it felt like to be normal.

Steve took your small hand in his free one, then, and gave you a gentle squeeze – as if to reassure you. When you glanced over at him, the way he smiled at you made your heart flutter just a little.

This isn’t your fault. Stop worrying. It’ll be fine.

You believed him.  

You made your way to another house, one that had no cars in the driveway and no garage. Hopefully no one was home. It was some random residence a couple of blocks away from your safe house, but you picked the lock so quickly that it looked like you were just opening the door with a regular key. Then you and Steve walked inside like that was where you’d been living this whole time.

You watched from the second-floor window as the two men on your trail radioed something in, probably your location – and then you both slipped out the back and hopped the fence. It was a little higher than you’d normally be able to scale, and Steve helped lift you over. He put his hands around your waist to lift you up, first, but you still couldn’t quite reach, so you quickly told him, “Grab my ass, Rogers.”

Steve’s grip noticeably faltered at your request and your sundress fluttered in the breeze, but he did as you asked – slid his hands from your waist to your barely-covered ass and soft thighs, which provided just enough height and leverage to finally pull yourself over the fence.

When you landed on the other side, you felt like you’d just run a marathon. His touch had been so hot, almost burning, and he’d gripped you so firmly, so close to where you’d been wanting him to touch you for what felt like ages that wet, sticky heat had started to pool in between your legs.

Neither of you discussed it.

The run home was fast, but silent and uncomfortable. You didn’t speak much, and neither did he. You shared a dinner of canned beans and potato chips, but neither of you had much of an appetite. You needed to figure out what to do, now, but you barely had a chance to discuss it when the loud sound of an explosion shook your quaint little safe house.

You both immediately knew what it was.

The perp – whoever the hell it was – had blown up the house the two of you had gone to earlier. It wasn’t your house. It belonged to some random family. You could recall seeing their photos on the walls, a happy family of four.

Steve said something to you, but it didn’t really register. He pulled on his uniform and went to check it out. That didn’t really register, either. All you could focus on was the fact that you’d very likely gotten people killed because you’d been too stupid and distracted to notice that your cover was blown.

By the time he returned, you had turned on the news to find that the explosion was being blamed on a gas leak. The grim expression on his face told you that definitely wasn’t the case, but you already knew that.

A couple more hours passed in silence as you stared blankly at the television. You weren’t watching it. You weren’t paying attention at all. Instead, you were reliving every single mistake in your career and as much as Steve desperately wanted to reach out and hold you, help you feel better, ease your pain, he didn’t.

Things like this always hit you hard, but you never wanted comfort. You always had to handle it yourself. He’d tried in the past to help – told you that it wasn’t your fault, gently rubbed your back – and you’d shoved him away. You didn’t want to be coddled. You didn’t need it.

Except tonight, you did.

Steve went to bed first, sometime after eleven. It wasn’t that the night’s events didn’t bother him, because they certainly did. He’d just experienced things like this a lot more than you, especially during the war, and he knew how to compartmentalize. Somehow, he could still sleep at night, whereas he knew you probably wouldn’t get a wink of it.

He’d help you pack in the morning. He’d contact HQ. He’d write up the mission report. He’d do all of it for you, because he loved you. He’d do anything for you.

Sometime in the middle of the night, you stopped resisting your impulses. You crept up the stairs and, for a brief moment, paused as you stared at Steve’s closed bedroom door for what was probably the umpteenth time.

Your heartbeat was pounding in your ears as you slowly turned the doorknob and stepped inside.

The moonlight was streaming through the open curtains onto the bed, where you found him fast asleep. Of course he was. He’d always been a heavy sleeper, even now.

You brushed away a few strands of hair stuck to his forehead, and he almost seemed to lean into your touch; then you trailed your fingers down his bare chest, further south, pushing his sheets back along the way. The only thing he was wearing was a pair of soft plaid sleep pants that you’d teased him about once – said they suited him, the old man he was.

Right now, though, they were almost too low on his hips. Must have shifted sometime during the night.

His skin was damp to the touch from the summer heat. As your eyes trailed over him in the moonlight, you had a fleeting thought of how perfect he was and you stopped holding yourself back.

Your lips were hot on the sweat-slicked skin of his abdomen. He tasted like salt and smelled like heaven – like soap and fresh laundry, clean, with the slightest undertone of musk.

It turned you on.

You kissed your way up his body until he stirred with the softest, quietest moan, his muscles shifting under your touch. You didn’t stop. Instead, you met his dazed, half-lidded eyes with a sinful smile.

“Wait, wait,” he breathed, fumbling to take your hands into his. His voice was rough from sleep. “Talk to me, doll. Please.”

You didn’t.  

Instead, you nudged your dress out of the way and straddled his hips, which let you feel exactly how much you’d affected him. His cock was rock hard and straining against his pajama pants, and you did nothing to soothe it. Instead, you rolled your hips against him.

“Sweetheart,” he groaned, his head lulling back against the pillow. “It’s been a bad night. We shouldn’t.”

He didn’t mean it.

When you laced your fingers with his, he was so receptive – squeezed your hands right back, especially when you leaned down to kiss him. Your breasts nearly spilled out of your bra when they fell against his chest. With your dress half-unbuttoned, you saw his eyes flicker down to your cleavage for a split second before he looked back up at your face in awe, cheeks flushed, lips parted.

You kissed him, then, softly and sweetly, and sighed against his mouth, “Make me forget.”

Almost instantly, his hands left yours to cup the sides of your face, and he kissed you so deeply, so passionately that all you could think about was him. His lips were soft, but his kisses weren’t, especially when his tongue swept into your mouth as if to claim you, make you his, make you forget.

Then he trailed his fingers down the sides of your body, feeling every inch of you against him before they settled on your hips. He held you in place as he ground his hips up into yours, and you gasped against his mouth, relishing in the feeling of his hard cock against your folds – clothed or not.

The way he gathered you in his arms and lay you down on your back was sweet and gentle. He peppered kisses down your neck and torso as he finished unbuttoning your dress, before it was off entirely, discarded haphazardly to the floor – and then he sat back on his heels to just look at you.

You weren’t fully revealed to him yet, still wearing a lacy peach-pink bra and panties, but you felt absolutely naked in front of him. You were attractive, you knew that much – but the way his eyes took in every single one of your curves made your face flush like that stupid, clueless girl that had gotten people killed tonight.  

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered as he leaned in to kiss you again.

Something about the way he said it made you want him even more and you whined – actually whined – against his lips, “Baby, please.”  

Jesus Christ, he could have come right then.

Instead, he pulled away just enough to press a kiss to your stomach, your navel, your hip – and then he tugged your panties down and off before he buried his face between your thighs. He’d been wanting to worship your body for ages, and you deserved it now more than ever.

Your reaction was immediate. You gasped and writhed against his mouth, so much that he had to firmly hook his arms around your legs to hold you in place. You were so god damn responsive and it drove him crazy, especially when you gripped his hair in your fingers and pulled him closer to grind your perfect pussy against his face.

The taste of you was intoxicating – sweet, just a little tart – and he barely even realized what he was doing when he slid two fingers inside of you. Not one to start like he normally would have, but two, because you were so fucking soaked and desperate for him already.

“Stevie,” you whimpered when he curled his fingers up in a particular spot that sent you reeling.

God, he loved the sound of his name on your lips.

“Does that feel good?” he cooed against your slick folds, his hot breath sending a chill through you.

“Yeah,” you responded breathily, and you whimpered when he did it again. “Yeah, honey, just like that—”

Honey.

The word spurred him on and he went right back to devouring you, his tongue circling your clit as his fingers curled roughly against your g-spot over and over. It brought you higher and higher and higher until he couldn’t hold you down anymore and your back arched off the sheets, legs shaking against his shoulders as you came with a sharp cry.

When you collapsed back against the sheets, he crawled up your body to see your flushed, fucked-out face. Before he kissed you again, he went to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand out of consideration for you – but instead, you tugged on his arm and pulled him down to settle in between your thighs.

“Kiss me like that,” you told him, and he readily complied. You could taste yourself on his lips, but you didn’t care; all you cared about was the sharp breath he took in as you slid your hand into his pants and wrapped your fingers around him. His cock was hot, thick, and heavy in your palm, and you wanted him inside of you.

Your other hand slid his pajama pants down just enough to pull him out entirely, and then you ran the head of his cock back and forth through your slick folds.

Steve broke away from the kiss to lean his forehead against your shoulder. His voice was unsteady when he started, “If you’re not sure—”

But you just wrapped your legs around his waist, then, and used the leverage to drag him inside of you. All you could manage was the tip because of the angle, but at your eagerness, he actually growled – deep and feral before he slid the rest of the way inside in one fluid motion.

“Fuck, Stevie,” you gasped, “You feel so good—”

Then his lips were on yours again, swallowing every single word you wanted to say. He wasn’t rough, but he wasn’t exactly gentle either as his hips rocked into yours so easily – almost like this was meant to happen, like the two of you should have been doing this all along. His tongue dominated your mouth as his hands caressed your body all over, palming your breasts, your hips, your thighs as he made love to you.

That’s exactly what it was. You knew it, and he did, too.

The realization of that brought you to the brink almost in an instant.

When he hiked one of your legs up higher around his waist, you felt even closer – both to him, and to your orgasm. It was intimate. It was perfect. The new angle was incredibly deep, and his cock reached spots inside of you that you’d never even known about before.

You broke away from his mouth to bury your face in his shoulder, arms wrapped tight around his neck. “I’m close, god, I’m so fucking close, Steve—”

Judging by the way he was throbbing so much inside you, he was close, too. His breath was hot on the shell of your ear when he rasped, “Where do you want it?”

“Inside,” you gasped, your nails digging into his back. “Fill me up, honey, please.”

His hands gripped your thighs even more firmly as he held you in place, his thrusts stuttering just a little at the knowledge that you didn’t want him to pull out, no—you wanted him to come inside you. You wanted him to fill you up. You wanted him to give you every single fucking drop of his cum.

“Fuck, Steve, I’m coming, I’m coming—” you babbled mindlessly against his neck, wrapping your legs around him even tighter as you reached your peak, pleasure cascading around you in waves.

Those breathless moans paired with your walls clenching down on him so tightly were what pushed him over the edge, and he buried himself to the hilt, filling you up just like you’d begged him for with a groan of your name right into your ear. It might have been the sexiest thing you’d ever heard in your life, but your mind was blissfully blank.

He left to get you a washcloth to clean up – the two of you had made a mess after all – and unlike how you’d been with Bucky, you let Steve take care of you. You needed it.

After he wiped you clean, you curled so snugly into his side, using his chest as a pillow. He pressed gentle kisses to the crown of your head and muttered sweet nothings to you, and his soothing voice eased you to sleep.

For the first time in a very long time, Steve overslept.

At first, he thought he forgot to turn on his alarm. Then he remembered that it automatically set itself every morning. He didn’t forget to turn it on. 

You’d purposely turned it off.

He knew that because by the time he woke, you were gone. He found a note from you downstairs, on the kitchen counter where you used to have breakfast every morning.

Headed to my next mission. See you around, Rogers.

It was that same curly handwriting as what you’d written in his little notebook. He recognized it in an instant, but when he realized what you meant by it – that this was a one-time thing, a moment of weakness, a lapse of judgement – he couldn’t say it didn’t sting.

What hurt worse was that, when he tried calling you, it went straight to voicemail and when he sent you texts, you read and then ignored them.

You brushed him off, because you got what you wanted.

He made you forget.

Master List

[filligan-universe]

31 DAYS OF HALLOWEEN -- Week 3

The week of Fridays. Sorry if that’s dreadfully boring, but I’ve been looking for an excuse to binge these and this challenge seemed like a good enough one. They’re easily digestible, especially after the third one, and short and simple. I once caught Parts 6-8 during a marathon on TV when I was young and they didn’t scare me but I was fascinated by them. Oh, I also watched Krampus.

October 13 -- Krampus (2015)

Few people seem to understand what this is, but I’m sure as hell glad I bit the blind bullet on director Michael Dougherty’s other film, Trick R Treat, which I will be watching for this challenge because it’d be dumb not to. Krampus is a gateway horror film for kids. I always derided horror in my youth because I was, and still am, a giant wuss, but the genre is more flexible than any other when it comes to aging. They’re fine wines, really. Where else would my tastes be without films like Beetlejuice in my childhood? And I know Beetlejuice has never really been considered a horror, but the film is generally spooky and can act as a gateway for kids to get accustomed to the genre -- it can teach them to have fun being scared.

Krampus is an artifact in that sense. There is a clear and spooky atmosphere, some awesome creature designed that even creeped me a little, and the film doesn’t apologize for any of it. It’s for kids -- and adults who have already been gatewayed. I found very few flaws in it.

9/10

October 14 -- Friday the 13th Part III (1982)

The Friday-a-thon begins. This film was made with primitive 3D in mind and it possesses entertainment value in that alone. I mean, it’s also hilarious because of everything else that happens, but the 3D thing is a real cincher. Objects and hands, oddly enough, keep being framed directly toward the camera. And viewing this in 2D, it’s easy to forget how this film released, so literally every time something like that happened, my brain broke a little: “What? Why would you frame something like that?! I don’t even know what I saw! A snake on a string? Huh?!?! OHHH fuckin’ 3D!” When Jason spearguns a girl in the lake, the spear fires towards the camera along a white string. When I saw that, I said, “YASSS 3D!!”

5/10

October 15 -- Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter (1984)

The franchise finally has some money behind it and no longer looks like utter garbage with flecks and dirt and WATER DROPLETS on the camera lens (sorry, Part III triggered a lot in me). And the film doesn't do much do tread new ground, but baby Corey Feldman is there, and Crispin Glover is a dancing champion.

6/10

October 16 -- Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)

I appreciate a lot of what this film tries to do to resuscitate the franchise. Nobody like it because Jason isn’t in it, but that’s fine, I don’t care. Part V tries to bridge the previous four films in a new direction. It doesn’t pan out because, well, this is still a slasher flick and also most of the characters are pretty boring -- Tommy included -- and the ending is totally nutso bonkers and makes zero sense. Still, you know, it’s better than Part III.

6/10

October 17 -- Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI (1986)

I haven’t watched them all yet so I may retract this statement, but if there’s one Friday film I’ll likely rewatch just to legit enjoy it, it’ll be Part VI. From the outset, the atmosphere is refreshed and new: Tommy Jarvis is a new actor with a new haircut and then wacky stuff starts happening. The best part? The film knows how wacky it is and relishes in it. Look at that image. The film’s opening titles is a James Bond parody. I wasn’t sure what was happening in the beginning -- weirdo resurrections and magical lightning bolts?! But once I saw Jason walk into a closeup of his own pupil and slash the titles into existence, I was sold. 

The film has been labeled a prototype for the self-aware horror film -- your Screams and Chuckies -- and considering it has a year on Evil Dead 2, I’m willing to concede that point. Okay, okay, okay, let me set this up clearly: John Travolta’s nephew and his lady-friend are driving a Winnebago, but Jason is hiding in the back and captures the girl. John Travolta’s nephew can’t notice, though, right? I mean, he’s still driving, and also where’s all the fun when he gets killed? So, the solution to keep him distracted was for him to just love the shit out of driving a mobile home. His girlfriend gets hacked to bits and that’s constantly intercut with him shouting, “THIS IS GREAT!” from the driver’s seat. Honestly, best piece of comedy I’ve seen in months. 

This film knows the franchise won’t survive on serious slasherness ad nauseam, so it endeavors to actually be fun. Hell yeah. Also, a sweet Alice Cooper theme song to close the end credits? Done. I’m done.

7/10

October 18 -- Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

Instead of capturing the fun established in Part VI, Part VII returns to boring seriousness while introducing telekinetic powers in Carrie 2.0. This feels like a film made by committee. “Fellas, it’s 1988! Stephen King is really popular!” Even when Jason grabs a weedwhacker, he just lumbers around. His heart’s not in it anymore. The makeup on his ugly fish face is dope, I guess. But none of the characters are interesting, not even Carrie the Sequel, and the film can’t even drum up excitement in an unstoppable force versus an immovable object. Carrie 2.0 just keeps electrocuting and drowning and throwing Jason around and he keeps getting back up. No one cares. She can’t even find a clever solution, she has to be saved by her zombie father whom she accidentally drowned in Crystal Lake with her powers as a child. There, I ruined the ending of the film for you and I don’t even give a fuck. Why is her dad a zombie? What the fuck.

4/10

Hey, let’s take a minute to cover something tangentially related that popped in my head last night: when the hell do these films take place? Let’s break it down:

Despite being released in 1980, Part 1 takes place in 1979 because I believe it takes place 21 years after the murders in 1958 (bear with me). So, Part 1 is in 1979.

Part 2 has a tiny section 2 months after Part 1, but the bulk of the film takes place five years later. So, Part 2 is in 1984.

Part 3 takes place immediately after Part 2. It’s still 1984.

Part 4 takes place immediately after Part 3. Still 1984 

Part 5 does not specifically state when it takes place in relation to the previous installment, but we know Tommy Jarvis has become an adult, or just about one. He’s 12 in Part 4, so let’s be generous and say he’s 17, which means five years have passed since Part 4. The year is now 1989.

Part 6 presumably takes place directly after Part 5, but it’s a little unclear: the film can cleverly be interpreted as a direct sequel or a whitewashing; after all, the ending of Part 5 makes no sense and is understandably whisked under the rug. Either way, though, Tommy is the same age, so it’s still 1989.

This is where it gets interesting. Jason is chained at the bottom of Crystal Lake when Carrie 2.0 is a small child (IMDb says she’s 10 so let’s go with that). I had to rewatch the start of the film, but yes, we open on Jason underwater. It’s unclear when this takes place in relation to Part VI: Jason is decomposing but he’s still mostly meat. Let’s say it’s been months instead of years. However, the film then jumps ten years. The year is now... hold on to your butts... 1999. I know Jason still has about a decade left before he’s in space or something, but damn, it’s weird that this timeline works at all.

[diagnosedblog]

Pretty much anything Mileven (calling El, El not Jane) with fluff or angst or anything really but preferably while there still young (shortly post season two)

Word Count: 3k 

Rating T: Occasional language

Pairing(s): Mike/Eleven

Content:

Chill!Mike - not as nervous or fidgety 

Growing!El - has grown on her knowledge but still struggles with things

Limited telekinesis - she doesn’t want to accidentally hurt Mike so she keeps them to a minimum.

Enough fluff but probably not enough bc this is horrible and it’s my first request please spare ily anon

okay let’s DO THIS

(please enjoy it and thank you for the prompt) - Diagnosedblog

January 11th, 1985

7:40 PM

Jim & Jane Hopper Residence

“7-4-0.”

She read this and sighed. Hopper was nowhere to be found, and El was becoming very bored.

After what happened with the gate closing and the previous events, El had decided to simply relax and enjoy being able to sit down and breathe. She still had to hide for the remainder of the year so everyone made sure to keep her under wraps. However, things were no longer as hectic as they used to be and she could finally be with her family and friends. She had more time to be with Mike now and that was the cherry on top; spending time with him. Even a day without him seemed to be a struggle now that they were able to see each other. She had grown used to their separation, and she was glad it was over.

Hopper was out because apparently someone had taken a lawn mower from farmer Merrill’s shed and used it to mow obscene images into the free grass outside of his field. Merrill was absolutely furious and insisted that it was one of Eugene’s ‘hooligan friends’, and he refused to lay it to rest. Hopper went to go question Eugene, only to find out the same thing happened to him. Both men went to the station and were going off completely on one another, and Hopper had to stay to help calm them down and gather more details. He would be home at around 8:40 or 9, beeping “HOME BY NINE” in Morse code.

This left El free to do as she pleased and she didn’t mind, to begin with. She had eaten 7 Eggos, watched 10 soap operas, took 2 naps, read 4 magazines, and attempted to fix the broken radio (which proceeded to explode).

She lay there, dazed and still extremely bored. She no longer wanted the house to herself as she had nothing to do; she had no work to do because she was not yet enrolled in school, and she had already finished her daily practices (she was home-schooled at the moment). There was nothing interesting for her to (try) to read, and she had watched a majority of the soap operas on the television. Everything else was trash on a screen. El wanted Hopper to come home so he could teach her how to play board games tonight, but since he was out she had no guide. She didn’t understand the directions and playing without them was pointless, so she gave up. Board games aside, El really just wanted to call Mike and maybe talk to the Party (except Max - there was still bad blood there). She had trouble working the phone and also didn’t know the Wheeler’s number though, so there was no hope. She laid there, contemplating life.

Suddenly, there was an unfamiliar knock at the door. It wasn’t the secret knock, but it wasn’t alarming either. It was quiet yet simple. Almost as if this person was being cautious or trying to hide. El had been taught by Hopper to never open this door for anyone else under any circumstances and these rules still applied to her even after she no longer had to hide but this person didn’t seem threatening. She pondered on whether to hide and let the mysterious person leave, or just to crack the door open a  bit.

She decided to do neither and simply turned the porch light on, looking out of the window onto the porch. When she saw them her eyes grew wide and she quickly scurried to the door and opened it.

The mysterious person had been Mike. Having been grounded, he snuck out of his basement and took his bike up the trail to the woods, as he hadn’t seen El since Christmas Day in late December. They greeted each other with a hug.

“Hey, El.”

“Hey, Mike.”

Having Mike here really brightened up her mood. The boredom was starting to consume her, and she had been wanting to see him for a while, but now that he was here things were looking up; this night wouldn’t so boring after all.

“I brought you some chocolate candies since I know you like them. Maybe you can put them on your waffles.”

“Thanks, I will put them in the fridge. I’m too full to eat anything else.”

She smiled as she took them from his hand and headed to the kitchen. As she went to go put the chocolates away, she noticed Mike was still standing awkwardly at the door.

He noticed her puzzled face and grew flustered. “What’s wrong?”

“Why are you still standing? You may sit after all.”

“Oh. Right.”

She stifled a giggle. Even after knowing for 2 years he was still a nervous wreck, and she thought it sweet.

He quickly took a seat and casually watched the television. “I got the candy from Dustin - he had a bunch of chocolate left over from our last campaign.”

Dustin and leftover food was a suspicious combo. “Is it safe to eat?”

Mike laughed. “Yes, it is, this time at least. He had a bunch of other weird candy that no one wanted and tried to shove it at me, but I just threw it back at him because of no one like honeysuckers.”

This made her grin cheekily as she came up with an idea. As Mike stayed on the couch, she quietly went through the kitchen drawers until she found a pack of uneaten jelly beans. She turned back to him from behind and began to aim. A lift of her hand and a swift wave-

FLICK.

Mike felt the back of his head in confusion. It was something had been thrown at him, like a little piece of paper. He looked around and saw El in the kitchen, who had sneakily pretended to look for something in the pantry. He didn’t find any answers and decided to just ignore it. He impatiently waited for El on the couch. “Whatcha lookin’ for?”

“Oh, just potato crunches.” While she actually picked out 3 more jelly beans.

“Oh okay. I’ll just be here. On the couch still.”

“I’ll be in there just a second.”

THUMP.

Okay, now he knew he wasn’t imagining things. Three tiny objects had basically been launched at his head and he knew who was responsible.

“Hey!”

He turned to find her giggling like a giddy little girl while holding a whole jar of beans.

“Stop throwing candy at me!”

“No. It’s fun.”

She proceeded to launch 5 more beans, but Mike ducked quickly.

“Stop it!”

El just laughed. She was clearly enjoying this.

Seeing her laugh really lightened the mood for Mike. She had never laughed so fluidly before and he loved how happy she sounded. Wait, no. No candy fights - they would make a huge mess and El might break something.

Mike huffed. “Give me the bowl.”

“Nope.”

“Fine, I’ll just take it.”

He got up and walked towards, reaching for it when-

WOOSH.

The bowl was 7 feet in the air.

“El, give me the bowl.”

“No.”

Mike tried to jump for it, but she only lifted it higher.

“Please?”

Mike pleaded with his eyes, which she found charming but ineffective.

“Okay.”

He went for it as it was lowered and-

WOOSH - thump thump thump.

She had levitated it again, but tilted it, so that about 7 pieces fell on Mike’s head.

He looked at the pieces on the floor but kept his head down. He decided it was better to play along. If she wants to play dirty, we’ll play dirty, he thought, smiling to himself.

“Okay..since we’re doing this..” he said, still facing the floor.

He jolted to the kitchen, catching El off guard and thundered through the cabinet doors to find more candies. El grabbed more beans and began to hurl them at Mike but her attempts to slow him weren’t successful, as he found a whole bowl of candy.

“GAME ON!” he screamed as he threw the candy.

El shrieked as about 10 things of candy were hurled at her. At first, she was frightened because she didn’t want Mike to throw them too hard, but the fear subsided when he literally completely missed her and basically threw candy at the fridge.

She bee-lined out of the kitchen as Mike threw multiple piles of jelly beans, laughing maniacally. El suddenly remembered the whipped cream in the top drawer to the right, and she snatched it out when she got back to the kitchen. Mike’s face dropped at the speed of light, as the can was levitated and suddenly sprayed everywhere. The whole living room was soaked - it was snowing whip cream. Mike covered himself and bolted into her bedroom, slamming the door where he could shelter himself.

“Try and get me now!”

“Damn you, Michael!” She learned that one from Miss Wheeler.

She chuckled as she set the can down and sat at the door. Part of her was exhausted, but the other part of her could have done this forever.

Mike was sitting on the other side. “El?”

“Yes, Mike?”

“I just wanna say..” Suddenly the door opened and El flew to the ground.

“Hey!”

“I found the spare can!” He snickered as held it directly in front of her face. “You better run!” She quickly got off her feet and ran out of the room. That’s what she gets for sneaking the second can into her room.

They did these things all night, and Eleven was truly having a good time. Though she did love his calm and kind demeanor, she loved Mike like this too - fun-loving and wild.

They threw and used every piece of candy and junk they could get their hands on - Skittles (“Taste the rainbow sucker!”), chips, whipped cream, waffles, even a piece of cake. The floor was basically destroyed with cream and crushed candy and snacks. You would’ve thought someone sprayed the place with a fire hydrant, as the walls were splattered with everything from syrup to flour. The kids looked even worse - El was covered in everything from Eggo crumbs to cinnamon, and Mike looked even worse with sugar in his hair and a powder covered face, with whip cream up his nose. Eleven found this especially hilarious, especially when it came out whenever he sneezed. He looked so adorable when he wrinkled his nose.

“I don’t find anything funny about this.” He pouted.

“I do.”

He looked at her as she laughed and giggled. This time he was able to truly look at her. She looked so pretty even covered in sugar and messy smashed chocolate. Her smile was still infectious as hell, and Mike couldn’t help but stare. It made him happy to see her so happy and to have so much fun with her doing something so ridiculous. It amazed him that this was the girl he loved, but he didn’t regret it in the least.

El loved that Mike had gone from being the party pooper to being the life of the party in just a matter of jelly beans. She hadn’t expected him to get into so quickly, or to have so much fun. It was so adventurous; throwing Skittles and Hershey’s and expired candy that elderly people gave you and pouring flour all over the place. The whipped cream was the best part - Mike has sprayed directly at her and running all the place had been a pure blast. She was basically in confectionery bliss; the boy of her dreams was acting crazy with her and enjoying every second of it.

She happily munched on a skittle she found in her pocket while continuing to think about it.

“I thought you were full.”

“Well, I’m not anymore, so haha.”

Mike let out a weird giggle that caused her to laugh quietly. Another great thing about him - his weird giggle. It sounded very odd, but it was still contagious. It was beautiful in its own way.

“El?”

“Yes?”

“I had a really great time with you. I thought we were just gonna watch TV, but this is way better.” He pointed to the ceiling, which was dripped with fresh cake dough. They had basically used everything in the kitchen.

“It would be funny if that fell on you.”

Mike raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think it would.”

“I think it will.”

“I bet you 10 bucks it won’t.”

“I don’t have 10 bucks.”

“Better find some.”

“Hmph.”

They quietly laid there, eyeing the fan to see if the cake stuff would actually fall. It did.

Eleven was in pure giggle fits as Mike wiped soggy cake mix off his face.

“You get some too!” He laughed as he slathered some on her.

“Gross!” She exclaimed

Mike cackled. “I’ll get it off just wait.”

“No, let me get it.” She said as he attempted to get up and wipe it off.“No, I got it just let me-”

He stopped as their faces got closer together, blushing very hard. Mike hadn’t realized he was that close to her when he went to focus on the cake mix and he had crawled in between her legs. He thought of getting out of her personal space so not to seem rude, but he didn’t do this. Instead, he leaned in, slowly but surely, and placed a small peck on her lips. They were soft even while dirty, and very comforting. It tasted like sugar and passion. It sounded corny, but it was the most honest he could’ve been. He almost kissed her again and then he realized what he was doing.

“I-I’m sorry. I should’ve given you a heads up, that was rude-”

Mike was interrupted by the crashing of lips onto his. El smiled as she held him in a smooth, but short little kiss, full of affection and silliness. She’d never kissed him like this before; the kiss was either really emotional or just rushed, but this was different. It was more joyful, more giddy and playful. Mike enjoyed it.

She pulled back and saw that Mike’s eyes were closed. He must’ve really liked it because he didn’t open them until she snapped her fingers.

“Mike?”

“Huh? Oh. I’m okay.” He chuckled nervously. El frowned; she didn’t mean to make him uncomfortable.

“I apologize.”

“What? No! It was amazing. I mean.. Really good. Cool. Yeah.”

She grinned at the nervous goof in front of her. “I love you, Mike. I really do.”

Mike smiled, face as red as a tomato. “I really do, too. Love you, that is.”

El laid back down, resting herself as Mike regained his composure. All the excitement had tired her out.

She felt Mike’s fingers intertwine with her, and instantly felt at ease. His soft, warm hands served as a forgiveness for the mess they had made, and both children blissfully fell asleep.

Eleven woke up first. She had had a very good nap, albeit on the floor, and she turned to see Mike still knocked out. He was cute while he slept; the silent breathing and the way he would slightly twitch here and there. She decided to get and check the time to see if Hopper was close. She immediately panicked.

“8-3-0! No! Dad is going to be furious!”

Mike groggily awoke. “What time is it?” Then he saw the clock.

“Shit! We only have 30 minutes to clean this whole house!’

Fear started to set in as the two realized the severity of their mess. Everything was basically vandalized with dry and sticky food as well as littered with candy.

“What am I going to do?” El mumbled to herself sadly.

“I’ll help you clean up. We have to hurry though.”

She perked up. “Of course. I will get the broom.”

“I’ll get the mop. Then we’ll do what else is necessary. Let’s go!”

They spent the next 25 minutes cleaning up what they could. It was definitely grueling; you would’ve thought there was a supernatural war going on, as paper towels and brooms and cleaning supplies flew back and forth along the house. It gave Mike a lot to keep up with and Eleven several nosebleeds and a big headache, but it had to be done.

At about 8:55 PM, the work was finally finished. Mike had just vacuumed the last of the candy, and after putting back in the closet, collapsed on the now clean couch as El sat there in her blankie, popcorn in hand (the only thing not used in the food battle). He looked at her with tired eyes and scoffed. “You get to sit there and eat while I clean. I’m underappreciated.” El playfully rolled her eyes at her silly boy. He smiled at her, all teeth, as they held hands until Mike decided it was time to leave. “I love you,” he said as he enclosed her in a tight hug. “I love you too, Mike.” She returned the hug warmly, and then he quickly got on his bike and peddled home.

Hopper came home shortly after Mike had biked home so he didn’t know the boy had been there. He didn’t notice anything at first, though he did note the house seemed cleaner than usual. “Hey, kid. I trust you been good.” He ruffled his daughter’s hair and let out a sigh of relief at finally getting home. “You been anywhere today?” “No.” “Good. Don’t want you to be in any danger out there.” He said gruffly as he rummaged through the fridge. Then he noticed it - the Eggos was completely gone. He turned back to Eleven who was completely lost in the television, holding the empty box. “Did you eat this whole thing?” She turned to face him and for a brief second Hopper saw worry in her eyes. “Umm…yes.”

He grew suspicious quickly. “Why?”

“…I was hungry.”

“There was plenty of leftover food.”

“It looked gross.” A blatant lie. The food actually was delicious, but she had eaten the waffles first and was too full to get to it.

Hopper grew irritated. “C’mon kid we talked about this. You can’t not eat just because it doesn’t look good. It’s still good for you, you can’t live off of waffles, alright?”

She nodded understandingly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. Just eat real food next time.” He started to walk towards his room when he noticed the fan was on but was going really slowly. He flicked it off, and El heard a strange gooey noise. Then she remembered: she’d forgotten to get the fan!

Hopper took note of the house again and walked back towards her, perplexed. “Hey, kid did you clean the house-”

SCHLOOP.

Sticky, soggy cake dough. All over him. Hopper stood there for a moment, pondering whatever it was that hit him when he realized it. “My cake mix?” She stayed awkwardly silent.

“Why in the hell was this on the ceiling?” He growled, turning to his daughter accusingly.

El didn’t know whether to feel bad for him or laugh at how he looked covered in dough.

“I can explain.”

Hopper slowly wiped it from his face. “Oh trust me. You will.”

As he went to go clean himself off, El recapped the evening’s events. She knew she would be in deep trouble. She didn’t care much though.

She remembered the fun she had and how much she had loved being with Mike that whole time. Throwing food, running around, sleeping on the floor, cake dough on Mike’s face; it was all brilliant.

A word she’d learned from Flo at the station. Perfect to describe the night.

Wait.

Mike owed her ten dollars.

Fun fact: Potato crunches are her weird names for potato chips. Just so you know lmao.

[cloudvelundr]

Reciprocate

Cloud receives a package.

... due to the increased risk we would recommend phasing out the E04 models in favour of reverting to series C, or testing any F- and G-series as with the rate of attacks the E series is quickly falling to an irreparable state. We would tentatively recommend the F2-2 [link: specs] F3.4-2 [link: specs] or the G5-B [link: specs] provided that the units do not emit any byproduct noise in the range of the danger frequencies – testing may be required as this is not noted on any available reports. Likewise, the towers in the Thurmir and Jarfast townships are also affected but the already in service F2-0 will be sufficient as they are in a milder climate zo

“Oh la laa! Someone’s been holding out on us!”

Cloud blinked away from his report to where Sebastian was cackling over one of the oversized reusable crates Shinra sent out most of it’s shipments in. He’d heard him in the hall chatting with the delivery team between the steady sound of boxes thumping down but it’d been easy to ignore: he was on a roll and over the summer shipments came every couple days for as long as they could. The delivery guys had cut through the common area to the kitchen – technically the mess but it really didn’t qualify – a little while ago leaving Sebastian to rummage and start whittling the pile away. The current box had a post office stamp.

“Someone sent a dildo,” he wheezed.

The couriers heads popped back in.

A “what?” filtered faintly though the ceiling followed by a thundering across the room into the kitchen and then Paige was pushing in looking delighted. Andy followed more sedately.

“Did I hear mail order sex toys?”

Snerk. “No- well, maybe. I dunno – just saw it.”

“Well let’s see! Who’s it for?”

“Gimme a sec, gimme a sec! It’s under some shit.”

He dove back in under the amused watch of the gathered. Cardboard slithered and he cursed, and started removing packages: “Henry... Mairi... oh, hey, sir got something heavy... ‘nother for Henry.. Tomeo... hmmm... aaaand here we are!”

He popped up triumphantly, whoever’s prize in hand.

At about a foot long it looked like two boxes taped together, one smallish but wide and another narrow and long like a post on a pedestal, it did look like it could be a dick in a box. Sebastian flipped it around to find the label and read it with raised eyebrows.

“Hey blondie, something you wanna tell us?”

Cloud squinted at the package as Sebastian brought it over, their entirely too happy squadmates looking on. He accepted it bemusedly and checked the sender.

Zack. Of course it was Zack. Except it shouldn’t be.

“... This is too soon for vengeance.”

“Come again now.”

Cloud ignored him in favour of diving for his PHS, blinking almost invisibly in the light of the room. What were the odds, he wondered around the growing bubble in his chest. The top message was in fact from Zack.

It said: why are you like this

Underneath was a picture of Cloud’s birthday gift to him, in heavy shipping paper, wrapped in loving detail with remarkable resemblance to a dildo.

Cloud snorted into his hand. Started to giggle. Slid to the floor laughing.

“You okay down there?”

He waved off the concern and offered his phone to someone’s hand while he pulled himself upright, amusement still bubbling.

Somewhere behind him Paige started snickering.

“I was gonna ask who does that, but apparently you do.”

A quick flick of keys revealed something somewhat lumpy, brightly wrapped in confetti printed birthday paper, sharing the same shape as it’s box so he pulled it out and lay them side by side.

“Alright give me my phone.”

He took a picture and sent it.

you’re one to talk

and that’s not your coffee table

i sent it to your apprtmt why are you opening it on base

The reply was almost immediate.

i may have forwarded my mail

i��m in icicle for two more weeks but mom was sending cookies

And then the phone rang.

“Zack I swear if there’s chocobo underwear in this thing it doesn’t matter where you are I will find a way to hurt you.”

“Dammit I knew I forgot something.”

There was an echoing quality to his voice. Other voices were chuckling a little too loudly in answer.

“... You’re on speaker phone aren’t you?”

“No point pretending the peanut gallery can’t hear us.”

“Point,” he agreed and switched his as well in favour of poking his gift. There was something hard and brickish wrapped in the not-underpants. “Anyone I know?”

“Don’t think so? Guys this is Cloud, sender of suspiciously wrapped objects. His birthday’s the week after mine.”

“You mean his name isn’t Spike? You lied to me Fair. I’m hurt.”

“Ivo?”

“Real deep. Right here.”

“Piss off.”

“Seriously though, is it a dildo?”

“No. No it is not.”

“Because it’s really convincing.”

“... In my defence I was bored.”

“You’re sure?”

“Zack, I’m a craftsman. Fake fake dick isn’t hard to do.” Someone laughed again. “Besides, Aer might kill me.”

“’Cause this wrap job’s a work of art.”

“Just open the damn thing.”

“Hear hear!”

“You too, Spike.”

“Please,” Andy leaned on the couch, a smirk colouring her words, “show us what wonders the sad penis holds.”

“Fine, fine – happy birthday, dork.”

“You too, nerd.” Paper ripped. “... of course you wrapped it in puppies and cupcakes. Why did I think you wouldn’t.”

“I have a giant roll of that stuff,” It was a rather lovely pastel blue too. Cloud hefted his gift and considered where to start, “I’ll using it for years.”

Cloud heard Zack sigh before another heavy rip and rustle came over the speaker, and decided to open the shaft before the heavy thing could escape on it’s own – already he could see holes where the corners were trying to work their way free. When he ripped in it tried to anyway, nearly slipping free in an explosion of obnoxious sport socks.

The audience pouted.

“Aw, no dildo.”

“Nice whetstone though.”

“Did you have to pick the most eye peeling socks you could find?”

“Duh. Did you have to use duct tape?”

“Well how else was I supposed to attach the banana to the egg thing?”

“He’s got you there, Fair.”

“Why would anyone even need a two egg travel case.”

“Lunch? Hard boiled is a thing.”

“You could put the cream egg things you like in them.”

“Point.”

Click.

“Score! Banana has candy!” A patter of little thumps.

“Of course you immediately dump them.”

“Mmm. Where did you get the fruit things?” Zack asked, clacking one against his teeth, “I can never find them.”

“Places.”

“That’s helpful.”

“I aim to serve,” he replied, plucking at the remaining wrapping.

“Pff. Liar.”

The paper gave way to another pair of socks – the thickest, fluffiest he’d ever seen, and probably the first he’d wear out come winter – which were bundled around a small, flat plastic case. The clasp was stiff but snapped open to reveal game data cards.

“Awesome,” Cloud grinned. The new Tales of Zelig was first up. “I know what I’ll be doing all winter. Thanks!”

“You’re welcome! Two of them were already yours though – I grabbed them when I put the cases with your stuff.”

“Thanks, I didn’t realize I’d forgotten them.”

“No prob.”

“Now finish yours.”

“Yeah, crack open your balls, Fair.”

“That sounds wrong,” Paige muttered. Cloud thought he might’ve flinched.

Sebastian sniggered. “Psssh. It’s hilarious and your know it.”

There was a popping noise and a pause.

“Dude.”

“Cloud, are these what I think?”

“Are they spawns of the materia you keep threatening to steal? Yeah. Yeah they are.”

“You meme loving fuck, I am going to lord this over Genesis forever.”

“Does the commander not have them?”

“No, they’re super rare. Like how you even have them I don’t know.”

Cloud sat back, pensive. “Really? ‘Cause I literally just... found them.”

“Because your luck is stupid. Man, I have only ever even heard of like three Knights, and yours is one. There was a Turk sharpshooter who had one but it went missing when he did.”

“And the last one?” asked one of the couriers.

“There’s supposed to be a green mage on one of the Goblin Islands. Don’t know who it is but even Genesis won’t touch them. But you just found it on a scree. And the water-healing thing- you said you woke up on the way to Midgar and saw it in the bushes but it doesn’t even have a name.”

“Huh.”

“So yeah, it’ll piss Gen off so much. It’s gonna be great.”

“You’re nuts.”

“He’s not like the rumours – the Firaga Incident didn’t actually happen.”

Paige and the delivery guys looked dubious.

“Yeah, I haven’t met him but his men are stupid loyal. You don’t get that by being the crazy who lights your people on fire.”

“These materia probably wouldn’t cooperate with him though. He’s more dark red and these are definitely white and light. He’ll still be jealous as Hel.”

“Now you just have to keep Treasure Princess away.”

There was a pause.

“Treasure Princess, Fair?”

“... Shit. She will won’t she.”

Cloud started laughing quietly into his hand.

“You had ulterior motives, didn’t you?”

“No- I forgot about her until just now. She only really bothers you. But you’ve got to admit it’s funny.”

“I guess.”

“Oh stop pouting.”

“I am not p-”

“He totally is.”

“Traitor.”

“Well,” Andy stood and stretched, “thank you boys for the entertainment, but some of us need to get back to preparing for patrol.”

There was a sudden cursing from the phone: “Shit, us too.”

“Come on Paige. Happy birthday Fair.”

“And Cloud, gift wrapping champion. You guys deserve each other.” The other voices echoed.

“Thanks peanut gallery.” Cloud replied to fading sounds of their movements and switched the PHS back to his ear as his squad wandered back to wherever they had been. The couriers had vanished. He could hear the sound of candy wrappers shuffling as Zack gathered the treats from wherever he’d dumped them. “You too?”

“Yeah. They’re my team – there’s marlboro breeding grounds sprung up nearby.”

“Ew.”

“No kidding.”

“Still, good birthday?”

“It was alright. Quiet. One of the guys bought a cake – it was actually fantastic. But... I’d rather been home.”

“Hmm,” Cloud agreed, arranging his own things on his computer to move. The report could wait a bit. “Same. I think Adam is threatening to bake something, but.”

“Yeah.”

“Still, not a bad place to spend it.”

“And not bad company either.”

“No – the looks I got for that package though.”

Snerk. “It’s the baby-face,” Zack said. “They forgot you’re twenty and a little shit.”

“No, they know that,” Cloud replied, sliding past Sebastian and into the hall.

Sebastian looked up and grinned, “Yeah, it’s ‘oh god our next captain is the kind of guy who sends dildo shaped presents.’”

“Yeah. That.”

“But he also warks back at chocobos, calls anything vaguely canine a puppy, was probably responsible for the glitter ATVs, and is generally a massive nerd, so I don’t know why we’re surprised.”

Zack was laughing again.

Cloud groaned and kept going. “You both suck.”

“Heh. Anyway, I really gotta go now. I’ll try to call you again soon.”

“Alright, say hi to Aerith for me?”

“Will do! And I’ll find you those chocobo boxers!”

“Zackary Fair, Don’t You Fucking Da-” Cloud cut off at the dial tone: “And he’s gone. Jerk,” he murmured fondly and with a shake of his head made his way to his room.

Stuffing the socks in a drawer and the stone with his maintenance supplies, Cloud settled into his desk and flipped his computer back open. And paused. And closed it again.

He reached for the little case, and flicked through it’s contents. It was mid August, still summer most places but there cooling soon and much work blowing in on the wind. It could well be winter before he got another truly quiet hour.

“Try’n’a spoil me,” he murmured, and slotted one into his console instead.

The report could wait.

[snowembrace]

So, I just watched the Emoji Movie

If you are easily offended by any sort of good/neutral review about this movie, I sincerely suggest you not to read any further than this. And most importantly, if you do, please respect my opinion. Thank you.

That being said, what do I think of the Emoji Movie?

Was it great? Meh (no pun intended)

Was it good? So and so

Was it worth a 0% (now 6%) score on Rotten Tomatoes? No, definitely not

It wasn’t a masterpiece, I will give you that. I’d be lying if I said it was a movie that I’d suggest to all my friends. But it wasn’t even a tragedy.

Lets start with saying that since the movie will come out in September here (I think), I had to watch it in English on streaming. I’d have watched it in streaming either way, but I would have probably watched it in italian, so I wouldn’t have been able to judge the original dub, whereas now I can do that too.

That being said, I’m going to analyze the aspects that I think are the most important.

─  Animation

I’ll be honest here. The animation was the real reason I’ve decided to give this movie a chance. It wasn’t on the same level as Disney of course, but it was still good. The animators get all the credit they deserve. The scenery was colorful, the characters' movements were well done, and overall it just felt nice to watch despite the low quality of the streaming.

Now take a look at this. This is the kind of animation that I consider a disgrace to humanity.

If anything, the Emoji Movie’s animators really put their heart in what they did, so props to them for that.

─  Humor

Was the movie hilarious? No, it wasn’t. But I must admit that I did snort at some parts. A few laughs from kids happened too during the streaming, so I guess I’m not the only crazy person out there who found some bits of the movie genuinely funny.

Personally the best idea of all, to me, was the fact that the elders were represented by the old “emoticons” that teens rarely use these days (not gonna lie, I still use them, but not as much as emojis, so yeah I guess the gag works and it works well) - :P :I :D

Another very small yet funny gag was the Poop emoji screaming “Oh shhhi- !” when Gene started messing up his own face in the cube. It might sound immature to someone who’s not seen the movie, but it actually made me snort when I first saw it. Oh, and the Internet Trolls (literally, green ugly trolls) were a nice touch too.

On the other hand, the “Poop, you’re soft.” “Not too soft, I hope.” pun was pretty much forgettable.

Overall the humor in this movie wasn’t great, but it still managed to bring a smile to my face at some point.

─  Dub

I personally think that the dub of this movie could have been done far better than this. Some of the voice actors sounded way too... bland to say the least. And no I’m not talking about Gene’s parents. As strange as it seems, those two worked. And they worked because to me it’s not easy to convey emotions through characters that are supposed to be just “meh” all the time. Yet they managed to let me know what they were feeling despite their completely emotionless expressions, which I consider a great achievement.

However, I agree on the fact that some of the scenes that included them felt way too long. No matter how good the actors are, the moment you find yourself talking or listening to a “meh” person/emoji, time seems to stop. And that’s what I personally consider the weak point of these characters.

Gene’s voice sounded a bit off to me. I don’t know why, it just did. And Patrick Stewart as Poop felt a bit... lazy. Surely not his best performance of all time.

─  Plot

The plot is overall fine, but it has its weak points as well. I’m not going to write it all down of course, I’m just going to talk about a few aspects of it.

First of all, no, Alex is not going to reset his entire phone because of a weird emoji. Despite what many people (who I guess have just seen the trailer and not the whole movie) thought, the owner of the phone in which Gene lives actually wants to take his phone to the shop because different apps started to malfunction due to Gene, Jailbreak and Hi-5 wondering around the phone and messing stuff up. So while you can still argue that deleting the entire phone might be a bit too much, it does make much more sense than what is shown in the trailer.

On the other hand, I agree with those who consider this movie a sort of rip-off of Wreck it Ralph and Inside Out (to some extent). Jailbreak being a princess emoji in disguise is a clear reference to Vanellope, the protagonists moving from app to app reminds us of both movies, and the ending with Gene turning meh for an instance and then being accepted for what he is takes obviously inspiration from Ralph turning bad and smashing Vanellope’s car only to be eventually accepted by the other baddies regardless of his good nature.

I personally think that the ending seemed a bit too rushed too. We never get to know what happened to Smiler, and that kinda disappointed me. A bot fell on her, and nothing more. Assuming that she wasn’t deleted, where did she go?

Gene’s parents breaking up also didn’t make much sense the way it’s been handled. I guess the writers just wanted an excuse to show that even Gene’s dad was a “malfunction” because he was able to feel different emotions, but you can’t just have them break up in one scene, appear 10 minutes after and immediately reunite. What was the point then? Was that mini sub-plot really necessary?

One thing I really liked was how Gene turned meh. The moment in which Jailbreak rejects him you can clearly see his face slowly turning into an emotionless, blank expression. It wasn’t as heartbreaking as the Titanic’s ending, but it did feel kinda sad to watch.

─  Characters

The characters were okay. Not the best, but not even tragic. I’ve already talked about Gene’s parents, and there’s not much to say about Gene himself. He’s different, he’s original, he’s just... fine. Jailbreak was fine as well. Nothing really stands out about them. Hi-5 served as comic relief, but he could sometimes be a bit annoying as well.

Smiler on the other hand had a great potential. She’s as creepy as a smiling face can be. A good villain, too bad she was defeated in a miserable way. What a waste.

─  The message

Unlike Dingo Pictures’ movies, the Emoji Movie did have a message it wanted to convey. The sad thing is that the whole story was filled with a lot of stereotypes as well - from teens using only emojis to express their feelings because they are not able to do it with words, to the importance of popularity and fans on social networks - which might distract you from the real meaning behind Gene’s adventure.

The idea of being accepted despite your differences, the good aspect of being the black sheep of the group is very important to me, because I myself always felt different from the people around me and this strikes at the core of my entire life. At the end Gene is celebrated for being an emoji that can express different feelings all at once (basically a .gif?) and he doesn’t have to follow the rules imposed by Smiler to feel loved by all his friends and family.

This is a nice message, especially in the world we live in today. You can’t deny that.

So overall, this movie featured a lot of product placement as well, which is never fully accepted by audiences, and I can understand why. It has its flaws, like all movies do. But did it deserve the treatment it received? I personally don’t think it did, but again, this is just my opinion. I’ve decided to watch this movie with no expectations, but also without prejudice. And it wasn’t an experience as traumatic as some people on here described it to be. Actually, it’s been quite enjoyable.

I honestly do not understand how a movie like this deserved a 1,7/10 on IMDb when abominations like these exist too.

It just doesn’t seem fair. Even just animation wise the Emoji Movie didn’t deserve a lower score than a solid 3 or 4. I would have given it more but there are too many aspects to analyze and animation is just one of them. It was just a mediocre animated film, but nothing less than that.

It obviously pains me to think that the Popeye Movie got cancelled because of the emojis, and I get that many people are extremely salty about it, but I tried to be as objective as possible with my review.

Again, you don’t have to agree with this. I just wanted to share my honest opinion and I hope everyone will be civil and respect it. Cheers!

[atamascolily]

Episode Review - Sinbad 1x11 - "The Prince Who Wasn't"

In which the crew is jolted from the doldrums by mysterious forces, right into a civil war in which curses are fulfilled in the most literal and unexpected way possible. Also, Sinbad engages in some strategic lies, the court wizard is actually a decent guy for once, Dermott makes a friend, Maeve tries to seduce the enemy again, and Firouz works hard to maintain his skepticism and scientific objectivity.

(Photos from Far Far Away.)

We open on the boat, with the crew stuck in the literal (or at least, slightly more than metaphorical) doldrums - hot and no wind. Everyone is cranky. They're supposed to be near the kingdom of Arborea, but the geography, as we shall see, is a little off, even accounting for the fact that it's entirely fictional.

"I estimate we’ve been drifting roughly thirty-six chickens, forty loaves of bread, and twelve skins of water," Sinbad remarks. Dermott's "just lucky he's a member of the crew," Doubar remarks, although Doubar is probably the one suffering the most from shorter rations. Maeve is offended, and Sinbad has to intervene to stop a fight.

Suddenly, the wind picks up - too much wind and they run aground after mucking about with the sails, yanking the tiller and lanterns falling over and catching things on fire.   

As if that weren't enough, a man suddenly clambors aboard, warning them away from Arborea and muttering cryptic comments about the walking dead and bleeding ghosts. He dies before he can tell them anything else. Cue credits!

On shore, the crew stumbles through a forest in the mist. Everyone is on edge. Firouz is trying to think of logical explanations, but Maeve is insistent that ghosts actually do exist and she takes the dead man's warning seriously.

They get attacked by knights on horseback, who flee quickly. Everyone is freaked out and puzzled as to what's going on.

Maeve takes off her cloak when the fight starts (sensible) and puts it back on again when the fight is over (also sensible).

Um, do I really need an excuse to post pictures of Maeve and Dermott together?

They wander into a graveyard, with a Celtic cross in the background. Given this plus dress of the knights, it's clear we're supposed to be some sort of version of medieval England(ish), but the actual doldrums are located closer to the equator. So they were just in a patch of no wind, not the literally doldrums because I can't think of any place on earth close to the equator that even REMOTELY approximates Europe.

One of the statues from the marble statue episode is "weeping" and everyone is creeped out even though Firouz claims it's just a natural phenomenon of atmospheric moisture.

They hear crying - it's not a ghost! It turns out to be a young boy, Xander, who is a prince of Arborea. His father, King Alderon, was betrayed by a man named Drax, who has imprisoned his mother and holds her as a hostage. Drax's men have killed all of Xander's loyal knights, and he's the only survivor  because he played dead. 

Maeve is moved by Xander's story and the crew vows to help him.

Dermott watches Xander with some interest. Dermott - sees with very keen eyesight, even beyond what you'd expect from an ordinary hawk.

Oh, yeah, also Drax has been cursed so that he can never rest - literally, no sleep at ALL - until the rightful heir is dead. That would be terrible except that Drax totally deserves it.

“A boy your age should be surrounded by laughter and friends. Not death.” Maeve is very firm about this. 

Maeve offers her hand to Xander, but he declines to take it, saying he's not used to being touched by commoners. Everyone is offput by this, but decides to let it go under the circumstances (kid is totally traumatized, after all).

Anyway, they walk all night, because Xander is in a hurry to rescue his mother. Doubar is suspicious but Maeve trusts Xander because Dermott trusts him and Sinbad sides with Maeve. "Brother, he needs us. Just as we once needed Dim-Dim." Oh, Sinbad, you softie.

Xander finds a flower - an Asiatic lily, not what you'd expect to stumble across in a South African forest, FYI - and take it as a sign there's still hope... only to watch in dismay as it abruptly withers while they watch. Xander tries to shrug it off, but he's really disturbed by this.

Anyway, he's beating up the court wizard Tiresias here, who really doesn't like Drax and is passive-aggressively refused to serve him by being incompetent.

“How hard is it to kill a little boy?“

“I wouldn’t know. Not in my line, really.“

“You and your scruples! Any wizard worth a salt would have rid me of that brat months ago! Oh, but no! You’re too…sensitive!“

Drax reminds me of the Sherriff of Nottingham from the various Robin Hood movies, which might actually be intentional. I can't tell.

Xander appears to have survived at least two assassination attempts thus far, seriously pissing off Drax. His men report the child's death, but Drax still can't sleep and then Xander appears again without a scratch on him.

Meanwhile, the crew takes a break. Maeve find Xander playing the old Shell game with Dermott. Dermott keeps winning, to Xander's bewilderment. Hilarious.

Maeve also plays a round with Xander. She's pretty good, too.

Xander opens up to Maeve about his life. "I never had a friend in my whole life! Now it’s too late!"

"I’ve had more than a past acquaintance with loneliness... It’s never too late to open a door and let someone in," Maeve says, offering him her hand again. Xander reaches out but pulls back at the last minute.

"That’s okay. You don’t have to rush things. One step at a time," Maeve says gently.

ASGKLYKF, I love this side of Maeve's character - how sensitive and empathetic she is here, and the rapport she has so quickly with Xander.

"Dermott’s lucky to have you too, Maeve," Xander says, noting that Dermott is more than just a pet or a friend to Maeve. No wonder they get along so well - they're all able to see truths about each other than no one else picks up on, at least not so quickly.

But alas, this tender moment is interrupted by Drax's troops, who are trying to kill Xander so Drax can get a decent night's sleep.

Fortunately, this crazy monster stumbles into the clearing and scares everybody off. The men think it's a ghost and run away FAST.

It's Firouz! See, I told you there were no ghosts, but look at what you can do when you take advantage of superstition! Firouz laughs. Everyone is just cheered that he saved the day again to question his conclusions about ghosts.

Maeve sees a wound on Xander's back...

... but it abruptly vanishes and he insists he's fine. They go on.

Meanwhile, Drax is being super-creepy with Xander's mother, making fun of her weight gain in captivity and depriving her of rations. He'll let her out of prison if she marries him. She refuses.

Xander was seriously freaked out by Firouz's trick, believing it was the ghost of his father come to punish him for being a coward during the battle where his father was murdered. Maeve is aghast at the idea.

Sinbad offers some words of comfort - by totally making shit up. "Should’ve seen me at my first battle. Scythean horsemen to the left of us, banshees to the right, saber-tooth tigers flying overhead, all attacking at once. And me, and my little drum. I tell you, I dove for cover quicker than you can say Ali Baba and the forty thieves. .... I didn’t come out until I was sure the coast was clear…about a week later. Look, sometimes your instincts are right. You’re still here, aren’t you?"

Um, I doubt the veracity of all of this, but it's totally the right thing to say, so it's hard to be too mad at Sinbad even if he goes a LITTLE overboard with the hyperbole. And perhaps something like it really did happen. But probably not all at the same time. But Xander is comforted and that's the important part.

Also, while the rest of the crew is out scouting, Maeve sees Xander flicker in and out, with an arrow in his back in the wound she saw earlier. She reaches out to touch him and her hand passes through. Xander is a ghost, and he is terrified his secret will get out.

"I have seen the dead walk, the dead bleed. The ghost was you." "If Drax finds out, my mother is doomed. The whole kingdom is doomed."

But he won't tell her why. Maeve wishes he'd trusted her earlier, but he points out that the rest of the crew might not have agreed to help him if they'd known his true nature (not true, but a reasonable fear under the circumstances).

Anyway, they run into Tiresias, who escaped the castle to warn them that Drax is expecting them and setting a trap. Tiresias is tired of working for Drax, and feels guilty about his prior service, even though it was either serve him or die. Also, there's a secret way into the castle! Woot!

So they storm the castle.

Drax sets up a crossbow pointing at the imprisoned queen that he can pull from the throne room in case our heroes make it that far.

Maeve and Xander go to the throne room to distract Drax while Sinbad rescues the queen and Rongar, Firouz and Doubar distract Drax's men.

Maeve decides that she can best distract Drax by seducing him because that actually worked in the past when she tried it with other warlords.

“You’d sacrifice yourself for the…boy?”

“You make it sound like such a chore. You’re a good-looking man.“

Sinbad rushes into the queen's prison and sees the loaded crossbow. Rather than try to dislodge the bolt, he decides it'll be easier and safer to cut the queen loose.

Too bad Drax figures out it's a trap. Maeve kicks him and he pushes her down. Dermott attacks Drax, and Drax pulls the trigger on the crossbow as the hawk swoops in.

Fortunately, Sinbad cuts the queen free just in the nick of time so they survive. Maeve and Xander face down Drax. Look at how determined she is!

Drax tries to kill Xander... only to freak out when the sword passes right through him.

It turns out the queen is pregnant with Alderon's child, and so the rightful heir still lives... thus allowing the curse to continue to haunt Drax even though Xander himself is dead. Xander was terrified Drax would find out their secret and kill his mother and/or his baby sibling before he could rescue her. CLEVER.

All the ghosts appear and mob Drax and he vanishes. Poetic justice, really.

As Xander says good-bye to the crew, he pauses when he comes to Firouz. "Now do you believe? ... It doesn't really matter whether you do or not. Thank you all the same."  Serious class, Xander! 

"Thank you Maeve, Dermott. Pity I had to die to make my first real friend.... Thank you. See you on the other side...not too soon, I hope."

Oh, my heart. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

As if that weren't ENOUGH poignancy, Xander turns to his mother. "Govern wisely, Mother. ‘Til he’s old enough to be King. You help her, Tiresias. I’m so sorry I’ll never know him. Can you tell him, when he’s older, about me? Will you tell him that his older brother loved him very much?" Of course, they say yes.

Then King Alderon's ghost comes for Xander, and they hug, and vanish together. AWWWWW.

Back on the boat, the rest of the crew wants to know if Firouz believes that Xander really was a ghost. Firouz stubbornly refuses to admit the truth, blaming it on food poisoning. "Those mushrooms we ate in the forest. Well, it’s a well-documented fact that some varieties of mushroom induce hallucinations. Often very vivid ones.... With all the talk of ghosts and such, it’s only natural that our hallucinations would be of a ghostly or spectral nature."

"Well, it is POSSIBLE!" Firouz yells, as everyone wanders off, realizing he's really not going to budge on this one. Firouz, honey, you're great and I love you dearly, but you're totally wrong about this - while still being right on a technicality - and a true scientist would admit when the evidence didn't match up with their theory. Firouz sees so much weird shit and magic over the course of the series - demons, Rumina, Maeve's fireballs, etc, etc - and yet refuses to admit that Xander is a ghost even after he sees the mob of ghosts swarm Drax? Really, Firouz? I think that's just your pride talking here and your fear that your friends will think less of science if you admit it there are gaps in it.

Okay, I love this episode so much - I love how Maeve manages to connect with Xander and I love that Dermott also has a rapport with this tiny ghost-child. I love how I didn't see the plot twist coming the first time I watched this, and I love going back and watching it when I DO know what's coming, because I can appreciate lines like "playing dead" or Xander saying he'll have no siblings "I'll ever know". Classic.

Also excellent: the court wizard being weak despite his magic - yet getting a backbone at just the right moment; Sinbad trying to comfort Xander; the shell game; Firouz saving everyone's asses with that ridiculous costume AND Firouz refusing to admit that ghosts might actually exist despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Also, Maeve trying and failing to seduce Drax: excellent. 

My one complaint is what happened at the beginning with the wind pulling them out of the doldrums, and who was that guy who staggered onto the ship - one of Drax's men? Then why is he dressed more like Alderon's father (and played by the same actor, I think) than any of Drax's men? That's never elaborated on or explained. What happened there, was it just chance? How did the dying man get on the boat, anyway? But that's a fairly minor quibble for what is otherwise an excellent episode.

[alwaysoft-blog]

Behind the Mask: Monday

        Behind the Mask: Monday is the first chapter of the Behind the Mask series. It is a High School AU of a masquerade prom, lead by an idol protagonist.            Warnings: sex mentions, minor drug mentions,minor alcohol mentions, crude language, bullying, minor violence            3666 words ____

        Prom- the thing most people looked forward to so they can top off their senior year. You look like a nervous idiot asking your crush out; dress up; cry a few times; watch a popular girl get prom queen, possibly by rigging the votes; and go to parties that include, getting drunk, smoking weed, having sex for the first time, and getting home a 4AM. Yes, many people loved these types of things, except you. Being one of the girls all the guys had a thing for and the girls hated meant you'd be nominated for prom queen, and knowing Jisoo would do anything to win was troubling to say the least. She'd ruin your dress, expose a fake secret about you, put some kind of roofie in your drink, or in the worst case scenario tell everyone you're an idol.          Oh, it seems I forgot an important detail. The people who make my life impossible- that's Jisoo, Lisa, Rose, and Jennie- seemed to want me to suffer more than anything else. They often wore similar outfits and made attempts to sabotage everything I did. But if you were to ask me who hated me the most, it was Jisoo. She was the Regina George of South Atlanta High. She was popular, beautiful, the leader of choir, and she was good at every sport she played. But behind her act of innocence and perfection, she was a vile, wretched witch since we became enemies in eighth grade.          Okay, it may have partially been my fault that she hates me, but her grudge is ridiculous. The reason she hates me is because I may have sabotaged the State Basketball Championship that I played against her and won. Okay, it was really messed up. I still regret putting an emetic in her mashed potatoes, but she definitely makes sure I regret it. And ever since her team lost and she found out I poisoned her, she never forgave me, and neither did her little "posse".          It seems I've drifted off topic, so let's get back to Monday, a week before prom. 

        "So will you go to prom with me?" Hoseok reached for your face, pulling a piece of hair out of your face.         You flinched at his touch. Yes, you still remember that time Jisoo yanked off your wig, revealing a bald cap which freaked everyone out and you had to convince everyone that you didn’t look like the main dancer in that one group everyone listens to. This boy was way too touchy, and you still remember the time he ate a chewed piece of gum for $5. Yeah, you'll pass. "That's very sweet of you, but I have someone else in mind." That wasn't a lie; Mark was on your mind all the time, but he never talked to you- or really anyone that he wasn't close to. The chances of him asking you out was little to none, but you would rather go alone than with Hoseok.          "Who is it? That Tuan kid?"          "Of course not!" Your face flushed, and you pushed your hand against his chest so he would get out of your space.          He smiled, "I knew you had something for him. All he does is play overwatch, and wouldn't you rather go with one of the football players?"          You stomped on his foot, earning a yelp from him and loss of pride, and walked away from your locker to go to history. This boy was beyond aggravating- he was infuriating.          "Fine you're a bitch anyway." He yelled down the hallway, prompting other students to look your way, at least the ones that weren't already looking at you.          You ignored Hoseok, you ignored the stares, and you ignored the tapping on your shoulder from the one and only Hwasa. This girl was your best friend, and you both did things that were kinda gay together.         "Hello, are you just gonna ignore me," She yanked your shoulder and turned you around to look at her. "That was hilarious! I didn't think you would be that fierce! It’s a shame I didn’t film it!" She giggled.         "Was it?" You asked while resuming your walk to class with her.          "Uh, yeah! Every girl (and guy) in school wants to go to prom with him, Jungkook, Jisoo, and, well, you, of course. You just stomped on his foot, and he is probably gonna cry now. I hope someone filmed it so it can be played at my funeral."          You frowned, "Why did I have to do it that way," You mentally cursed yourself, "He knows I like Mark now and is probably gonna tell everyone. My life is seriously fucked now."          "Well he never talks and would be too scared to ask you out, and you're too scared so... Yeah, maybe if word gets around he'll be brave enough to ask you!" Hwasa said optimistically. Hwasa is the kind of girl who will try to find the good in people, unless she hates them; that’s a different story. She is the person who will insist your drink is “half-full”. She's always going to be telling you some metaphor about a random object and how we should be like that. She’s the type who sends people cute pictures when you feel sad. In short, she is an angel. Well, that is if you don’t anger her.         You walked into the history room that smelled like car air freshener and sweat and sat down next to Hwasa. "Why do you have to be so optimistic? He sits on the other side of me for three classes! Three classes, Hwasa! I can't avoid him, and he's gonna find out eventually." You slumped in your chair and tapped on the desk nervously.         "Why should you avoid him? You look really hot today, and you should own it. There is no way Mark could resist you when you look like a goddess... Or even an idol.” She said cheekily.         I reflexively slapped her in agitation then quickly apologized for my unpredictable actions.         “Well, you didn't have to slap me so hard!" She scowled while rubbing the red spot where you hit her.          You rolled your eyes, "Why do you even joke about stuff like that when Jisoo is in the same room? She's probably planning the newest way to kill me. Feeding her information like that is basically telling her how to ruin my senior year."          "You're way too paranoid. They'll probably just think that you're some celebrity wannabe." Hwasa shook her head.         You rolled your eyes, then sat straight up. The person walking in the doorway was the reason you're going to go into cardiac arrest and they’ll play some random 2NE1 song at your funeral- yes, Mark Tuan was walking in. He was wearing skinny jeans and a gray jacket that suited him so well. I still don't understand why everyone wasn't drooling over him, but it also meant less competition for you, so it worked itself out.          "You're drooling so much I could fill a bucket." Hwasa poked you and forced you out of your gaze.         You crossed you arms and looked completely opposite from Mark's direction, "Shut up, Hwasa."          "You should say something. I would say yes if you asked me out looking that good." She grinned.         I glared daggers at Hwasa and thanked God that the bell had rung. The old teacher stood from her desk and began reading out of the textbook with her dull, droning voice. This class was literally so boring, she showed paint drying when someone told her she was boring. But she rarely looked up from her textbook and was slightly deaf, so most of the class did whatever they wanted.         Ding!         I fished my phone out of my purse and my heart froze momentarily when I saw who sent it.          "We're having a LAN party tonight I know u stuff like that will u go to my house tonight? btw some girls might be there"         Mark started a conversation.         Am I? Of course I was going to! This boy didn't even realize what this did to me, and I saw him looking at me for a fleeting second in the corner of my eye.          "Sure sounds fun"         You have left the conversation.         Okay, this was stressful. You felt the sweat, and you quickly tapped Hwasa's contact.          "Hwasa he just invited me to a LAN party prepare my funeral"         You started a conversation.         "K, I'll put that video with Hoseok on at ur funeral"         "You don't have it"         She sent a video to you, and you glared at her when you saw yourself stomping on Hoseok.          "Who sent u this"         "I don't kiss and tell bye"         Hwasa has left the conversation.         You wanted to punch her face in sometimes, but she was also one of the few people who held your life together, so you have never punched her face in, though that isn’t to say you haven’t wanted to.          The rest of the day continued relatively normally, and Hwasa agreed to meet me at my house tonight. ****         "What should I wear?" I had dragged out what seemed like every piece in my closet, and Hwasa said no to everything I had dragged out.          "I told you you should wear jeans and a shirt. It's gonna be a lot of guys and they won't take you serious if you wear a dress." Hwasa poked through my shoes.          "But I want to impress Mark. Should I wear some really tiny shorts?" I held up the shortest pair of shorts I own that were so short I could almost see my future children being birthed. Okay, they're not that short, but you get my point.          "Okay, but did you shave?"          I nodded and put the shorts while Hwasa complimented my underwear.          "Those panties are so hot, but I still like your pink ones better." Hwasa commented.         "How do you know what all my underwear looks like?" I playfully hit her and put a plain white t-shirt on. The shirt was a little tight on your breasts, but Hwasa agreed it would get Mark's attention.          She smiled in reply and placed a pair of high tops in my hands, "Wear these. Heels will just make them think you don't actually play games and you're one of those girls who posts pictures with controllers in her mouth."          "Yeah, you're right," I put the high tops on and looked in the mirror. I've looked a lot dressier, but I didn't want to over do it. "Okay, let's go." I picked up my laptop and walked towards the door.          Hwasa drove with me to Mark's house. When I arrived and exited the car, I waited for Hwasa to exit the car also. After a few seconds I knocked on the window, "Are you coming in?"          "Sorry, I think you should do this alone." Hwasa drove off before I could reply, leaving me all alone.         Yeah, that was cool. I swear I'll kill her later, but for now I have to go to this party and not die. I looked around and saw a few cars, hopefully one of the cars belonged to someone I knew that wouldn't ditch me like Hwasa. Would that happen? More than likely not.         "Here to confess to Mark?" I familiar voice vibrated in my ear. It was akin to a witch, a demon, and a succubus at the same time. Yes, it was her.         But of all the people that would be at a LAN party, of all the girls who could pretend to know anything about overwatch, it had to be Jisoo. "What do you want from me?"          She smiled and walked closer to me, heels clacking, "Hmm, nothing else other than playing games."          "Tell the truth." I said impatiently.          She played with her hair while looking in a mirror and turned back to me, "If you confess to Mark or do anything cheesy tonight I'll make sure he hates you. The reason why I'm here is to make sure you know your place." She then pushed me back by my shoulder.         "What the hell are you gonna do if I do say something to him?" I pushed her back too.          She glared at me with an ill intent, "I'll give you a choice: Either I would tell everyone you poisoned me, or I'll tell everyone you're an idol. But, if you don't cross the line, you won't even have to choose."          Okay, this isn't good. This bad. Really, really bad. She isn’t your typical bully or jealous girl; she’s actually Satan. She’ll do anything if it means I’ll suffer. "Jisoo, you're gonna go to hell for doing this to me." I snarled.          "Listen, there's only one bad bitch in this school, and it's me. You're just another basic bitch who wishes you were me. Don't believe me," She giggled at my unconvinced face, "Well, I'd watch that cheap wig of yours. I'll rip it off again; don't you dare think I won't."          Before I could reply, I saw Mark walking up to us with a hoodie and jeans, "Um, hey. We got some pizza and sodas inside. It's way too hot to sit outside."          "Why are you asking me to come inside then? It'll just get hot in there."          Mark's face flushed, but he didn't reply. "A-Anyway," He stuttered, "I hope you brought your laptops. I have an extra one if you need it."          "Of course I remembered," Jisoo began, "I knew we were gonna play Roverwatch!" She smiled.          Mark turned and looked at her with a confused look, "Do you mean Overwatch? Well, uh, we decided we were gonna play League of Legends anyway, so it doesn't matter if you haven't played Overwatch I guess."          "Yeah, it's cool. I can teach you how to play League, too." I fake smiled at her and saw hate manifesting in her eyes.          "Well, I'd rather have an expert like Mark teach me." She swooned.         Mark shifted rather uncomfortably and opened the door for the two of us. I entered and saw his spacious home, but I was quickly greeted by his dog and Mark's roommate, Youngjae.          "(Y/N), I missed you," Youngjae walks up to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. "I'm so excited to play League with you!" Youngjae picked up Coco and placed her in my arms, "She's missed you too."         I lean into his embrace comfortably and pet Coco softly. I see Jisoo's confused face and couldn't help but laugh at how aggravated she seemed.          "What's funny?" Youngjae poked my side.          I shook my head, "Uh, nothing. Coco was just making a funny face."          "Hmm, sure. Anyway, let's go play League." Youngjae directed me to a seat on the sofa beside him. I pulled out my laptop and watched as Jisoo pretended like she knew what was going when I claimed my spot as a jungler.          "You sure you wanna play jungler?" Mark asked.                  "I can handle it, Mark." I smile in his direction.          He raised an eyebrow, but he started the match. Jisoo had no idea what a mage or mid-laner was, so I was constantly running into mid to help her. She seemed more than upset when Mark asked why she was building a support build for a mage, and she tried to press the surrender vote button multiple times all the while hoping no one noticed it was her. Mark, of course, didn't call her out, but Youngjae tapped my shoulder and whispered to me all about it.          "Well, we lost pretty bad." Taehyung put his face in his hands and sighed.          "Yeah, one of them just messaged me." I spoke. Youngjae looked over at my screen and we both laughed at the crude language and spelling that was akin to a eight year old.          Youngjae cuddle up onto my chest, resting on my breasts while I played with his hair. "Hey why haven't we gotten together lately? We never hang out and I miss you."          "You make it sound like we're dating. Geez, Youngjae," I sighed, "You know I love you. But it's a lot tougher to explain to my mom that you want to have a sleepover at my house than it was when we were younger."          "Who cares? You can come here with me and Mark and just say you're at Hwasa's." Youngjae picked up Coco and laid her on his lap.          "Are you insane? 'You know who' lives here and I actually might explode if I sleep anywhere near him." My face flushed while whispering to Youngjae.          Youngjae smiled at himself, prompting me to hit him lightly, "Hey, hey! You don't have to hit me. But I was smiling because I don't think Mark would mind, y'know."          My face was beet red at the comment, and I couldn't help but hang my head to avoid anyone else looking in my direction, "What do you mean?"         He rolled his eyes as if I was spewing nonsense, "Well, don't let him know I told you this, but he kinda has a crush on you. Like every other guy that ever saw you."          I tensed up and couldn't help but gasp, "No he doesn't! Quit playing around, Youngjae. Anyways," I huffed with a red face. "Wait, did you have a crush on me?" My mind cleared.         He took a deep breath, "I did for some time, but then Momo snatched me- and Coco. She's just so perfect. I mean, you're hotter, but I don't know. Something about Wheein is just better."          "You only like her because she hates cucumbers." I played. “And was that a compliment?”         "No, I didn’t," He flicked my nose. “And I don’t know if it’s a compliment either.” He replied.         I laughed and Youngjae sat with me for a few minutes while watching Jisoo's attempts to flirt with Mark. She tried talking about games she knew nothing about, and I was honestly starting to feel bad for her.          Mark's voice shook me out of my daydreaming, "Um, (Y/N), can I talk to you for a minute?"          Youngjae quickly walked away from me, leaving me alone. I swear I'll murder him one day, but I can't today. I’ve put a lot of people on my hitlist, but now isn’t the time to finish it. "S-sure." Great, I stuttered. Now he's gonna think something's wrong with me. Nice one, (Y/N).          Mark walked towards the door and I followed behind him, smirking at the face Jisoo made. I could have sworn she was about to text her "squad" about today. That wasn't anything to worry about, I suppose.          "Take a seat," Mark directed me at the comfortable wicker chair on his porch.         I sat down and he sat on the chair beside mine. I saw how he seemed slightly uncomfortable, and I couldn't resist placing my hand on his. Ah, that was probably too forward, but my it was too late now. I might as well give Jisoo something to cry about. "What's wrong, Mark? You seem tense."         He tensed under my touch, but he gave into it and rubbed small circles on my hand. He took a deep breath and looked at me, "I wanted to ask you something for a while now, and I'm hoping you won't freak out."          Oh my God. I don't know what he is about to say, but a big part of me is hoping he'll ask me to prom. Okay, that's probably never going to happen, but I mean is it really that unrealistic? Okay, okay, calm down, "What did you wanna ask me?"          "What's going on with you and Youngjae?" He turned away from my gaze, likely embarrassed knowing Mark's nature.         Well, that not only disappointed me so much that I couldn't stop from outwardly frowning, but Mark now thinks me and Youngjae are going out. Great start. "Okay, I know it's weird how close we are, but Youngjae and I go back. I've known him longer than Hwasa. We’re tight, but we’re strictly friends."         Mark's face flushed a deep crimson, "I'm sorry, that was a little rude of me. But your answer makes my next question easier." Mark's face was very red now, and I was dying at the thought he could actually ask me out.         But before I could say anything, a loud honk of an all too familiar car ringed in my ears. "Shit, that's Hwasa. I better go because she'll drive off without me." Okay, I hated doing this to Mark, but I knew I had to. Jisoo was here, and I couldn't risk too much more tonight.          "Oh okay. But um, wait a second," He grabbed my hand as I was leaving, and I turned to him confusedly. He pulled me into his embrace. I was beyond shocked, but I melted into his chest that smelled fresh of cologne.          "I'll see you later," I broke out of his embrace and rubbed his shoulder, "I had a good time tonight. I hope we can talk again soon."          "Me too," Mark replied.          The honk of Hwasa's horn signalled my time was up, and I shuffled away from Mark with an excited grin. I  slammed into the passenger's seat of Hwasa's car and couldn't help but squeal with excitement.         "Whoa there, what's got you so excited?" Hwasa laughed while driving out of Mark's driveway.          I stopped my little celebratory dance and explained the nights details in a fast manner, "I thought he was gonna ask me out, but you honked your horn. God, Hwasa, you always show up at the weirdest times."          "Wait, rewind a bit. You said Jisoo threatened you? I will run her over with this car as soon as you let me!" Hwasa growled.          "No need. I'm sure she's fuming over how close I got to Mark without 'breaking her rules'," I made little air quotes with my hands and giggled, "Hwasa, tonight was great. Now drive me home."         "Impatient, are we?" Hwasa smiled.  ____ AN: I've been trying a lot of new writing styles lately, and I did this one in a way like the reader was writing in a diary or telling her grand kids in a titanic-esque way. Feedback on my stories are always appreciated, and thank you for taking the time to read! Love you all, loves!

-Rose

[sashayed]

oh BOY! well. look. i know a lot of people really loved it and that is great. we are all different beautiful snowflakes and there’s no such thing as a Good movie because every movie’s “quality” is dependent on the circumstances of its viewer etc. AND maybe it depends on how much the original meant to you: every time a familiar line was delivered differently I winced, even if the delivery was good, because i love 1991 BATB so much and watched it so many times as a kid that it makes it hard for me to be objective. So if you didn’t feel that way about the real version, you might not be so harsh.

but haha, i H A T E D it.

Let’s start with the things I DID like, because there are not many of them and it will be easier!

Luke Evans KILLED IT as Gaston. He’s having a great time, has a voice, and can really communicate the combo of comic grossness, physical menace and real charisma that makes the original Gaston so effective. If I could have enjoyed any of the musical numbers (more on this Later), it would probably have been his.

Ian McKellen is a colossal value add to literally anything he’s in and this is no exception. It’s probably the only case in which the creepy, expressionless design of the objects (MORE ON THIS LATER!) actually is a plus, because all that richness and expression coming out of a lil beady eyed shoebox is hilarious.

I mean, Audra McDonald. Audra McDonald. Although I might have to say her staggering talent is actually a blow to the movie as a whole, because every scene she’s in magnifies the mediocrity of everyone else. They even make her sing a duet with autotune Emma Watson (MORE....ON THIS.......LATER), which is TRULY embarrassing to watch. 

Did I mention what a relief it was to be attracted to Human Beast? A nice change from Damn U Glen Keane, What Are These Feelings U Made Me Have, I Was Only A Child Glen Keane.

haha. ahh

Whereas: I did not want ANYTHING sexually to do with CGI Beast, but how much I wanna F hockey hair Dan Stevens? Is a lot.

And I liked the new motivation for the enchantress -- having the prince be a spoiled party-boy Louis XIV asshole is a lot more satisfying than having him be an 11yo who doesn’t wanna let strangers into his house.

Gugu Mbatha-Raw’s face appears around the same time as Dan Stevens’, which was wonderful, but also terrible, because SHE WOULD HAVE MADE A GREAT BELLE, although i understand she may not want to be typecast. 

Okay. now. What did I hate about this movie? I would say what I hated about this movie was “all but about 7 minutes of it.” Like, I would almost need to see it again to hate it enough, because almost every single frame contained at least one thing that I hated. 

I don’t love the trend of remaking animated movies into live action ones, which is why I never saw Maleficent or Cinderella, and why I should not have seen this movie, hahaha. The adaptation inevitably loses a lot of what feels in animation like magic: the dreamlike quality/suspension of disbelief vanishes and everything has to be overexplained.

So the expressive, graceful objects I loved in the 1991 movie become these awful, clunky Uncanny Valley creeps who cannot make expressions and whom you would not WANT to see making expressions even if they COULD, because you dont want to look at their unsettling faces. Like, Mrs. Potts. Don’t you love Mrs. Potts? Don;t you love Emma Thompson? Two great tastes that taste great together? NO, THEY DON’T, BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

SURE? “We just like doodled a face on there, that’s good enough right? God please let me sleep.” Every design choice in this movie is clearly thought through extensively and yet somehow manages to give the impression of having been turned in 5 minutes before deadline by a frantic, exhausted student who just wants to go home. “Be Our Guest” was just awful to watch. Like, if you gave a 4-year-old some literal candlesticks and had them act out the number by waving them around, they would give those candlesticks 9000x more soul and interest than several million dollars worth of CGI could do. There’s no showmanship. It takes 900 years.*

*which reminds me: when you adapt animation to live-action, the rhythm has to change simply to adapt to physical realities. What can be achieved in animation in a single line of music is going to require more time to do with actual people or CGI figures who have to look like they could belong in the same space with actual people. That means every number has to have ten extra measures of filler instrumentals, destroying the momentum of the songs and making them seem interminable. UGH! Terrible.

Anyway, the design choices ALSO give everything the objects do a new layer of like VISCERAL BODY HORROR. For instance, Stanley Tucci (completely squandered) plays a harpsichord whose keys?? are his teeth????? and during the Final Battle he’s shooting his keys like bullets at the villagers and I leaned over to my buddy and was like IS HE SHOOTING HIS TEETH??? LOL, PEW PEW. But then in the big reveal it becomes clear that HE DID!!!!! HE DID SHOOT HIS TEETH. WHAT????? All the objects turning from people-objects to dead-objects is also an incredibly fucked up scene which, if I were a child, would haunt me.

Speaking of which, this movie introduces like 9000 themes that are physically or emotionally AWFUL, but it doesn’t actually want to deal with them, so they just get thrown at us for 2 seconds and leave us gaping in confusion and horror. 

Like: Gaston fought in The War. What War? The War. He had a great time in the War and now he has some kind of toxic PTSD where he can only be happy thinking about blood and “widows.” Why is this necessary? First of all, it’s fucked up. Why can’t he just be an asshole? He could just have been an asshole!! I spent 5 minutes trying to figure out what the fuck War this would even be, and then about whether “widows” was a veiled rape allusion, which obviously it wasn’t supposed to be, BUT YIKES!!!!

Or: The Beast’s mom died and then his horrible dad “shaped” him to be just like him. There is literally a 2 SECOND FLASHBACK of a child singing to his dying mother, and then it just whams back to the regular movie. WHAT THE FUCK? The Objects -- and the movie?? -- also now believe that they DESERVE to be cursed because they didn’t, like, intercede in this abusive relationship, which makes perfect sense, because if there’s one thing that always works it’s when the hired help interferes with royalty, I guess.

Or: Belle’s mom ALSO died, of The Plague, and the Beast has a magic book that takes her back to her babyhood garrett in Paris, so at first you think it’s like, oh, the book like....reconstructs her memories and allows her to share them with the Beast? It’s like a regressive therapy session but with magic? Sure. BUT NO!!!!! It turns out they ACTUALLY WENT TO PARIS PHYSICALLY and like, RETRIEVED OBJECTS FROM PARIS? ??? ???????? This never comes up again.

Also. Why would you cast people. Who cannot do. THE ONE THING they have to do??? FOR THE ENTIRE MOVIE???? Ewan McGregor is great, but he KNOWS he can’t do a French accent, so WHY IS HE CAST AS THE FRENCH ACCENT CHARACTER?? He sounds like your drunk cousin trying to do Steve Martin doing the Pink Panther. 

Or, more egregiously: Belle. Like, i truly don’t hate Emma Watson. I think she is young and VERY famous and making some mistakes but doing her best. But the child cannot act. She can’t. She can make two expressions and they’re very lovely. She has great eyebrows and when she squints with them you really Feel her Determination. But she cannot communicate, say, Pain, or Wonder, or Humor, or Joy, all of which she is......called upon to communicate. AND she cannot sing???? Fine. Bring in somebody who can!!!! Pull an Audrey Hepburn/Julie Andrews!!!! THIS IS REGULAR PRACTICE! WE DO THIS ALL THE TIME!!!! DON’T JUST AUTOTUNE HER TALKING AND THEN EXPECT HER TO HOLD UP NEXT TO AUDRA MCDONALD!!!!!!!!! IT’S EMBARRASSING. I WAS EMBARRASSED FOR THIS ENTIRE MOVIE. 

Anyway this is 90000 words long and BARELY SCRAPES THE SURFACE of how agonizing I found this movie to watch. BUT, as we were drinking and complaining about it afterwards, we got free tickets to the Caps game and I got to watch live hockey, which was 200x more emotionally involving and compelling than the movie, for the first time!!! So that’s good I guess. 

[c0rnelia-street]

Jan. 15, 2017

•Sydney drove us to Hollywood and we listened to One Direction the whole way. •When we parked, we started discussing all the construction and conspiracy theories related to the parks. I love having conversations like those. •We took the boat to Epcot and talked about DVC. DVC came up periodically throughout the day and at this point I'm pretty sure I sold Sydney. •The Festival of the Arts was going on at Epcot and as part of it there was a paint by numbers exhibit. The cool part is that the canvas we helped paint is a replica of a mural in Future World North, so it was kind of emotional. •Our cashier at Electric Umbrella was hella adorable. He was British and he was having an accent challenge with the guest in front of me (who was also British). She asked him to do an American accent and when he did it he mentioned that he didn't understand why we elected Trump as our president. Another guest was being rude and asking him to "hurry it along" to which he replied by rolling his eyes and saying "wouldn't want you to miss your fastpass". And he kept calling Sydney and I lovely and let get a kids meal even though I'm not 9, so he's a keeper. •The upstairs of Electric Umbrella was open, so we ate there. I hadn't been up there since I was like 12 and it made me very nostalgic. •We walked through multiple gift shops and just fangirled over mercy together. •We went to the pastry shop in France, which I'd never been to. I got a macaron and chocolate mousse that was to die for. •We saw this awesome painting of golden oak and it had hidden Disney objects in it (82 of them to be exact) so we spent time trying to find them all. •We also took a picture of a Kylo/Rey painting and use Snapchat stickers to put Angela's face over Rey. •We watched the Trials of the Temple show again. A cute little girl padawan literally laughed in Darth Vader's face and stuck her tongue out at Kylo Ren. It was magical. •Yoda's voice came over the loud speaker and the Jedi on stage made the most incredibly hilarious face. •STAR TOURS. •I beat Sydney on Toy Story Mania. •We went to get snacks before grabbing our spot for fireworks. I ordered a pretzel without cheese and the CM told me I had to get the cheese with it because there wasn't a key to ring it out otherwise. I was nice enough about it and said it was fine, but I was disappointed because I get it without cheese all the time. She could tell I was disappointed and gave me a free frozen lemonade. I love cast members. •A Galactic Spectacular is just so good.