#also this is objectively hilarious to watch because you saw the kid be fine literally .05 seconds ago

[trekkele]

if youve ever picked up a kid from playgroup you’ve probably seen this happen, but theres a pretty common reaction where a kid will be doing 100% fine, laughing and playing until they see their parent, at which point they just start wailing, cartoon face and big tears and all, because they just realized or remembered that their parent wasn’t there all day and that they came back for them, they came to get them.

Anyways i think thats how Bruce reacts to seeing Martha and Thomas after he dies.

[buckysboobs]

Damaged Finds Damaged

chapter 1

warnings: none

There was tension building up in the room, with alarmed eyes and nervous smiles being exchanged. Damon was stood towards the back, arms crossed, the flames lighting up in the fireplace casting yellowish hues over the side of his face.

"No." he stated, hinting at it being the end of the conversation.

"What do you mean 'no'? Bonnie's still stuck there with some guy who tried to kill you guys and apparently sucks the magic out of people, we can't just leave her there!" Jeremy stood up to make a move towards the older Salvatore.

Stefan held him back, "That won't be necessary. We'll find a way."

"This doesn't feel right guys," Elena cried, shaking her head. "We need to get her out of there, who knows what kind of a person Kai is, what if he kills her before we can—"

"Quick to judge people, are we?" Sarah, (who had always been on the receiving side of the gang's poor judgement) decided to butt in, raising an eyebrow at her. She glanced at Damon. "From the sounds of it, he had many opportunities to kill you and Bonnie when you two were stuck in that prison but he didn't, so I think she'll be fine. She's smart. And if he's been all alone, he wouldn't want to lose the only company he has."

"Stubborn ol' Sarah coming to the rescue with her condescending remarks." Damon commented, gulping down a glass of Bourbon. "We don't need advice from a hybrid."

"Oh really?" Sarah snapped, getting up from the couch and turning to the door. "Well in that case i'll just take myself and my advice somewhere else-"

Stefan blinked tiredly and looked at Elena for help. They'd be luckier if they had Sarah as an ally rather than an enemy.

"Sarah please!" Elena called out.

The hybrid stopped, chuckled and went back to her seat on the couch, but not before throwing Damon a dirty look, receiving an eye roll in return.

"So what is this Gemini Coven thing? It can help us, right?" Jeremy asked hopefully, awaiting answers. Before Damon could open his mouth, Stefan spoke up, exasperated.

"It's nothing, guys. It does not exist. I searched all over Portland for it but all I came across was empty land."

"Let's try again, then." said Sarah.

"It's not that simple." Stefan replied.

"Guys—" Elena tried to interfere. Jeremy looked back at forth along with the conversation when Damon decided to speak up.

"Yes it is." He said. "Now that Elena mentioned it, I don't want to leave Bon-Bon with that maniac." Damon was the kind of person who would do anything against what Sarah had to say because he's petty, and he doesn't like her that much. If Sarah thought Bonnie will be fine, he believed she'll be the opposite. He pointed at Sarah, "You, me, Stefan and Alaric. We're going to Portland."

"Where we'll find nothing." Stefan sighed.

"Don't be so negative, Stefan." Elena said, tucking her hair behind her ear.

|||

They found nothing.

They walked into the empty, green land, Damon's hopeful eyes turning slightly hopeless again as Sarah walked past him and gazed across the ground.

"Like I said 3000 miles ago, it's not here." Stefan said, walking right up to her. "Can we go home now, please."

Damon dropped the bag he was carrying and Alaric spoke up, "You know what, check the GPS again. Just because we don't see anything doesn't mean it does not exist."

Damon's coping mechanism was sarcasm, which is why he tried to tease Stefan to ease the tension.

"Not unlike Caroline's feelings for Stefan." he said.

Sarah, who had been quiet for the majority of the time they spent together, snorted at his comment.

Stefan sighed, done with those remarks. "Hilarious, keep 'em coming."

Damon pulled out Miss Cuddles and did a passable imitation of a high pitched voice, wringing the teddy's stuffed arms. "Oh no, is Stefan feeling sensitive for ruining his friendship with Caroline?"

Stefan glared at him as he continued, "She really liked him and he broke her heart."

Sarah was thinking when she heard Alaric add "See, Stefan? Even the bear knew."

She held back a chuckle when Damon went on in his squeaky voice, "I saw that coming from a mile away and my brain is made of cotton—"

A thought crossed her mind "Guys I think something's—"

"Gimme that." Stefan snapped at the same time, grabbing the Miss Cuddles from him and kicking it hard. It flew across the sky and before they knew it, there was a house right before them.

"—cloaked." Sarah finished, shrugging as she looked back at them. "Well atleast we're not going back empty handed."

Damon happily skipped past her and stood on the porch as he picked up the teddy bear. "Miss Cuddles, one. Invisible creepy mansion, zero."

Alaric, Stefan and Sarah exchanged shocked glances and made their way towards the door.

"Did Miss Cuddles just help us reveal something that I missed?" Stefan asked, looking down at the teddy bear in Damon's possession.

Sarah clicks her tongue, "I should have known." When they responded with a puzzled expression, she gestured towards the teddy again, "She sent this back with her magic in it."

"Wait, Jo did tell me something about how she stored away her magic in some object." Alaric mused, snatching Miss Cuddles from Damon.

"But why would she send it back?" Stefan wondered.

Damon looked at them with a grim expression, "To prevent Kai from getting out."

"Damn. He must be really brutal, huh." Sarah commented, trying to get past the door when she was blocked by an invisible barrier.

"We gotta be invited in." Damon said, banging his hand against the barrier. "Which means the owner of this house is still alive."

Sarah looked at Alaric, "Looks like it's your time to shine."

With a sigh, Alaric walked in.

|||

"Jo lived here." He stated, passing them a couple of photographs and newspaper articles. "We have baby pictures, pictures of Jo as a kid, as a teenager.." Alaric shuffled through them one by one with trembling hands.

"Hold on a second." Damon jumped in all of a sudden, "Rewind." He grabbed a photograph from the pile and held it in front of them, "This is Kai from planet 1994."

It was a picture of the said boy and Jo together wearing red christmas sweaters, their faces beaming at the camera.

"He's cute." Sarah commented, earning an eye roll from Damon.

"Does this mean Jo is Kai's sister?" Stefan asked, and Alaric examined the rest of the photographs, looking for more evidence.

"Either that or they both have a thing for Cosby sweaters." Damon replied.

They heard a voice call out "Didn't realize I had guests."

They all turned back to see a skinny man with grey hair and stubble walking towards them. "You've met Kai?"

Damon's mouth twisted, "Met him? Watched him die. Watched him come back to life. Why, you know him?"

The man looked at them one by one, his gaze on Sarah lingering longer. He chuckled, "He's my son."

He extended his hand out, "I'm Joshua Parker."

Damon shook his hand without a moment of hesitation. "Damon Salvatore."

Joshua nodded, "Invisique."

"What the hell just happened?" Damon heard Stefan cry, and he turned around to see his companions shuffling around.

"What's up with you guys?"

"They can't see you anymore, Damon." Joshua said and Damon gave him a questioning look, "Which means they also can't see this."

Next thing Damon knew, he had earned himself an aneurysm and was crying out in pain before things went black.

|||

Around half an hour passed by and they still couldn't see another sign of the house. Stefan was on the call with Elena and Alaric was questioning Jo about Kai. Sarah was listening to both their conversations with vamp hearing.

From what she had gathered, Elena was trying to tell some random guy that she was a vampire, and Alaric was asking Jo about the ascendant which she actually had with her all along. Her dad was a coven leader who couldn't let Kai out no matter what, and was willing to 'retaliate' if things went south. Her evil twin is a murderer who killed almost his whole family, and was stuck in the prison world 1994 as punishment. They really had travelled 3000 miles for nothing, and Damon's life was probably in danger. Which she didn't worry about much, if she was honest.

She jumped slightly when she heard Jo let out a yelp, followed by a few thumps and bangs. Alaric asked what was going on, worry striking his voice. Stefan and Sarah both walked up to him.

"Jo? Jo what's going on?!"

Next thing they heard was Elena's voice on the other side of the phone, "It's her dad, he—he's trying to kill her!"

"What do we do?!" Alaric said, "How do we stop him?"

"We can't see the house and i'm not invited in," Stefan added, "Jo invite us in—"

"Come in! Come in!" She cried in pain, followed by more coughs. She sounded like she was choking.

"We still can't see the house!" Sarah said. Elena carried the message and she heard Jo's throaty voice respond, "Ask them if they see an old tree stump in the yard!"

It was right there and they ran towards it, shuffling through the pile of dried leaves before Alaric pulled out a knife.

"What's this?" Sarah wondered.

"This is probably Jo's version of Miss Cuddles." Alaric replied.

Stefan grabbed it and shot it right across the empty land, where it stabbed into the wooden porch pillar.

Next thing they know, Stefan was saving Damon from the grasp of Mr. Joshua Parker who thought it was incredibly normal to vanish into thin air.

"I did not sign up for this."

|||

"So Papa Kai just tried scrambling my brain like an egg and you three are looking like someone shoved a stick up your ass?" Damon said, walking towards the car. "I did not get undressed at the airport for this."

"Jo had the ascendant all along." Stefan told him.

"It was 5 minutes away from home. And we travelled 3000 miles. How fun." Sarah wailed, walking up behind them. "This was so useless."

"Stop complaining." Damon said, rolling his eyes at her again.

Jesus Christ, she thought. "You were literally complaining 30 seconds ago."

"Stop fighting, you two." Alaric jumped in, "Now there is obviously no way we're getting the ascendant or letting her brother out—"

"We could just kill him if he escapes!" Damon argued.

"No, Damon." Alaric snapped, "I'm not letting another maniac kill my girlfriend."

"Girlfriend? You've been on like, 3 dates—"

"Shut up, Damon." Sarah and Stefan said in unison.

Damon however, didn't listen and decided to compel Alaric into stealing the ascendant.

"It's gonna come bite you in the ass." Sarah had told him, and he had flipped her off. Stefan had let him go with a disappointed shake of his head and that thing he did where his lips squeezed into a thin line to portray his disapproval.

Little did they know Kai was already out.

____________________

some of you really liked the prologue so here's the first chapter! please let me know if you like it heheheh.

[popculturebuffet]

Pinky and the Brain: A Pinky And the Brain Christmas Review or I Just Think Schotzie’s Neat

Christmas Continues on this blog... and getting away from one set of Christmas commissions and into another, I offered my friend Blahdiddy three commissions as a present. The other two we’ll get to eventually, but with Animaniacs on the brain, heh, due to the reboot, he selected two Pinky and the Brains and one Animaniacs for me to cover. And while I intended to cover this one sometime this month anyway, my friend’s recent and sad covid diagnosis meant i’m bumping this one all the way up to the front of the line so he has some christmas cheer during this rough time. So with that in mind let’s talk about pinky, pinky and the brain brain brain brain brain shall we? Of course we can’t really talk about pinky and the brain without talking about Animaniacs. I absolutely love the series, I grew up with it as a kid and reconnected with it as an adult when it ended up on netflix. It was smart, well animated and most importantly really fucking funny. I highly recommend checking both the original and reboot of it out some time if you have Hulu. Speaking of the reboot while I might go on in full about it at some point it’s pretty good, with some creatvie jokes, some nice updates, with Rita Anita Anrita being a great new addition to the warner side of things. It’s only real flaw is it gets a bit reptitious as for the most part there’s only really the warners and pinky and the brain with a few exceptions one of which DAMN well deserved at least two segments and we all know which one that is. 

Bring.. this.. to series. The warners and pinky and the brain segments weren’t bad, but as is inevitible in a screwball comedy some just weren’t as good as others and those fell harder when you’ve already seen 2 or 3 better versions of this sort of skit in the season. They did really find their groove towards the end and if you like both Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain, or even just one or the other, it’s worth checking out.  But enough about the reboot let’s talk about those labratory mice whose genes have been spliced. Thanks to wikipedia, I now know the duo were based on Eddie Fitzgerald and Tom Minton, who worked with Tom Rutgeter on Tiny Toon adventures, with menton being the one who came up with Narf, even saying it in one episode of Tiny Tunes. During the creation of animaniacs, Bruce Timm, yes THE Bruce Timm, sketched the two, and Ruetger added mouse ears and the rest was history. Maurice LaMarche was the one who added the Orson Welles to the character, as LaMarche saw the Orson Welles in Brain, ran with it and got the part and a long and storied career in voice acting as a result. In a nice and fitting bit of contrast, Rob Paulsen got the part.. because he was already on the show. Not to downplay Paulsen’s clear talent, I just find it hilarious. 

That’s about what I could dig up on the behind the scenes of the show. From what I can tell it was greenlit because Animaniacs was a massive it, and Pinky and the Brain was the most popular segment, so it just made sense. The show would likewise be a massive sucess with both adults and kids, and go on for three seasons and what should legally be considered a war crime. 

For those of you blissfully unaware yeah, that happened, no no one people actually LIKED from Tiny Toons was in it. And yeah if you want me to talk about it commission it otherwise not going near this one. While I do need to tackle more bad animation... I’ve successfully avoided watching an episode of this show for 22 years next wedsday, I’m not breaking the streak for free. 

But some.. things aside I remembered liking the series as a kid but just never got around to seeking it out as an adult. I had nothing against the animaniacs segments and I even still have a stuffed brain doll I got at a garage sale.. the pinky is sadly missing and persumed dead. I just wasn’t as bit into it as I was the slappy bits rewatching animaniacs and didin’t really see reason to watch the show. Watching this though made me realize I was wrong and I probably watch more of it in the future This special is damn good, i’m pleased ot review it and to revive and old childhood memory. So with all the exposition out of the way let’s talk Pinky, PInky and the brain brain brain brain christmas edition after the cut. 

This was indeed a special: while it was presumably produced with season one of the show and is packaged with it both on DVD and on Hulu, where I watched it, the special was aired in prime time and even put on it’s own VHS.. which I found out and of course, like with my review of the Darkwing Duck Pilot, had to use as the art for old VHS’ tapes for cartoons.. was really fucking beautiful and it’s a nice break from my traditional screencaps.   So we open with a clever Christmas rendition of the theme, frequently sprinkling in bits of other christmas stuff, utterly fantastic. The intro animation is less impressive as it’s literally just the regular intro but with a stock snow effect over everything. In case you thought Ducktales doing that was a new thing. I do not blame the team however, as apparently they only had a week to get the scripts out, so I highly doubt warner was forking out more cash for the animation than they had to. They still forked out enough to make it LOOK really good mind you, something I wish they’d do more often with their DTV Movies but do do with their animated shows still with certain exceptions so good on them, i’m just saying they clearly cared more about money than having a memorable christmas opening. Given a budget to actually make one, i’m sure the animators would’ve come up with something lovely, and i’m sure the same is true of Ducktales and other shows and like i’ve said, i’m highly in favor of shows actuallly doing unique openings for the holidays, especially since Holiday episodes tend to get reaired every year as long as the show is in circulation on the network. Sometimes even if it isn’t. So it’s fully worth the effort to fork out a little extra for this as while you’ll most likely only use it once, you’ll be using the special for years. You can afford to treat yourself networks come on. It’s...

Just like Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain. But onto the episode itself after 80 years. We find Pinky writing his Christmas list to santa, complete with Narf, a gag I like. As usual for a comedy show, I will try to gloss over as much of the gags as possible, to avoid repetttion but yeah this episode is really damn funny and reminded me just how good these characters are. Maurice and Rob just have perfect chemistry. It’s like Tom and Jerry: It’s a very simple premise, that one being “Cat chases mouse and Mouse beats shit out of mouse”, and pinky and the brain of course being “Super genuis mouse and dimwitted but loveable sidekick try and takeover the world eveyr night”. But a simple premise can be used just about anywhere and adapated for anything. To me a cartoon’s premise only has to be as complicated as it needs to be to work. Sometimes you have a vast complex tapestry behind the world like She Ra, Steven Universe or Avatar with lots of planning and ins and outs and deep character stuff.. and sometimes you just have two mice who get into shenanigans because one is a would be dictator who sounds like orson welles and the other’s a loveable british weirdo/moron. Sometimes simple just works. 

Anyways, Brain, noticing Pinky’s distracted and replaces himself with a horrifying poorly made doll of himself called Noodle Noggin, which is both an excellent name and not the only time they’d use the name either, as there was an animaniacs short about Brain making himself a fad to endear himself to the children of the future with the same name. It’s just an inherently funny set of words, but also shows Brain’s genius in a subtle and clever way as he never spells it out, but despite sounding kind of ridiculous for such a buttoned up intellectual like brain... he knows that’s the kind of name kids will eat up. His schemes may often fail, but he’s an objectively brilliant schemer and i’ts often either PInky’s incompetence or his own miscalculation of humanity, either over or underestimating them, that undoes Brain.  Back to the plot, so Brain’s plan is to distribute noodle noggins around the world, make it the hot new toy, and as always, take over the world. Problem is naturally two Mice simply don’t have the resources to make the billions of dolls. But PInky stumbles upon the solution in the paper: a want ad for elves! Everything about that sentence except “pinky stumbles upon the solution” has not aged paticuarlly well, but point is they have a plan and we have our christmas special.  This does bring me to my one problem with the special.. Brain’s weird inconsistency towards Santa. What I mean is he spends the portion doubting Santa can do anything he’s claimed to despite being proven frequently he can. That part is not all that annoying as it’s in character with him and while yes, he is a talking mouse, he’s also a man of science and reason and Santa is the opposite of that. That would be fine... IF it wasn’t for the fact that said magical bollocks weren’t constantly part of his plans. Despite Brain constantly throughought the special doubting Santa... his plans FREQUENTLY rely on everything we’ve heard about him being right. His initial plan here ENTIRELY runs on the fact Santa has a massive workforce to make the toys yet even if that’s true by Brain’s own logic, he wouldn’t be able to deliver them. Later when the boys need to escape, They hide with the Reindeer despite Brain just saying santa can’t be everywhere in one night.. which if he can’t then the odds are slim he’ll wind up at Acme Labs isn’t it? It would be fine if the special acknowledged any of this outside of one bit we’ll get to, but other than that one bit.. they don’t. IT’s just really frustrating and really sticks out since the rest of the special is perfection, so this one failing bit really grates. That being said, it dosen’t last long enough to really drag the episode down as a whole, just to annoy me a bit every so often. It speaks to the episodes quality that the bad part ONLY drags so much because everything else is so well put together.  So our boys head to the north pole with the help of a kooky pilot and a santa dummy, this pilot is voiced by Tress MacNeile and is easily one of the best parts of the special. And naturally given their luck, she asks them to take the wheel so the plane instead jerks and causes them to fall out. Luckily they end up near Santa’s workshop and soon apply for temp work with local head of things and gruff type Shotzie, played by Jeff Bennett. And yes that is his name.  I like Shotzie: he’s a goateed elf and Bennett just plays him well.. hard to explain honestly I may just like his name and Bennett’s voice for him, one he used before in animanaics for various bit parts and in shows after this, it’s just a voice i’ve always liked. 

They get put to work in the mail room, which is the bit I mentioned: Brain earlier scoffed at Santa answering all the letters with Pinky simply suggesting that Santa had his elves go through all of them. Turns out Pinky was right... while he may be a BIT stupid, one intresting thing i’ve found about Pinky after watching the reboot that ironically the friend who comissioned this and I discussed is that he’s not ENTIRELY stupid, it’s just , much like Dan from Dan Vs his knowledge is just random.. he can not know how a lot of things work, but sometimes like in this instance Pinky generally just GETS something. It’s part of why he and Brain are such a good team despite their failures: Brain is all about planning and thought and research, Pinky is about intuition and gut instinct. He just does things and it often works out. This also makes their recently added backstories all the more brilliant as they explain this well: Pinky started life just being told to find the diffrence in cheeses and thus was taught form childhood to trust in himself and his weird brain. Brain was cruelly torturued with an experiment on learned behaviors via electroshock, and was taught to never give up control again, to always know what’s going on and to always control it. It perfectly sums up who the two are and why they are that way.  Brain however quickly pivots, as the mail room ends up being the perfect location to start his plans. Since their job is to file away what each person wants Brain simply adds Noodle Noggin to it and plans to put his plans into the workshop. While Santa and Schotzie are suprised and baffled, Santa quickly adds it to the list. However things hit a snag when Schotzie gets supscious when the two try to sneak into the blueprint room to drop theirs off and he accidently yanks off their disguises leading to a REALLY fun chase scene, as the boys end up in a toy wherehouse and thus try out various toy cars: a barbie dream car that dosen’t have a working motor, a toy truck that dosen’t go very fast, and finally an rc car that while fast naturally just means Schotzie can grab it and capture them. It’s easily my faviorite scene of the episode just for how clever it is and as someone whow as a kid around the time this came out, I applaud the accuracy.. granted I didn’t have any of those personally but I had lots of friends so yeah. 

So our heroes are interrogated.. and again Brain brilliantly pivots. Schotzie assumes since they have the blueprints their spies for the easter bunny or the tooth fairy or Herschel, the Hanukah Goblin. Why Herschel never got his own Hannukah special trying to stop Pinky and the Brain from using it to take over the world, I genuinely do not know and that’s something the reboot really needs to adress in the future. Seriously Hannukah needs a mascot and it’s either Herschel or the Hannukah Zombie. Kwanza already has Kwanzabot. I want to see more of Herschel the Hannukah Goblin dammit!. I love goblins. Especially this one.

And this one

And most of all this one

I likes goblins. It’s a thing. So anyway, point is Schotize has the blueprints taken in while our boys slip out and sucessfully make their way outside, though they have to find a way home to turn on the mind control device. They see Santa and brain being a dick refuses to let pinky hand in his letter.. but does as mentioned earlier have them pose as reindeer.  So our heroes make their way home and in time to be able to activate the device once santa’s route’s finished!

And.. then land directly on the mind control device thing, meaning they now have to scramble to repair it. Oh and Pinky is inconsolable after realizing Santa didn’t get his letter and Brain is a HUGE dick about it. Easily the worst i’ve seen him just far more focused on his machine than his friend’s wel lbeing especially since ALL he needs from pinky is for him to throw one lousy switch. 

But we then get easily the best part of the entire special. As Brain scrambles to rebuild his device while abusing his best friend we get a really nice tense sequence as Brain rebuilds while kids all over the world warmly receive noodle noggin. I mean.. it’s not the creepiest doll I’ve seen a kid enjoy. 

Also Bill Clinton gets one because the series apparently really likes “Bill Clinton is stupid jokes” Oh you poor innocent dears who haven’t had to suffer through the president being revealed to be a sexual predator, the one after him being even dumber if not a predator, the one after that being easily one of the best people around, and the outgoing one being a waking nightmare whose both a preadator and dumb beyond all comprehension ina dangerous and soul crushing way. 

But yeah onto the good part, Brain, for whatever reason, reads the letter.. and finds Pinky asked for nothing. He just wanted to give Brain the world at long last, recognizing his friend really and genuinely means well for it and that he’s worked hard to conquer it. And with that goal in reach, with the very thing he’s always wanted his... Brain instead uses the device to wish a merry christmas. He sees through his friend’s kindess and selflessness that he himself.. has been selfish once again turning something into a world destroying plot and being cruel to his best friend... when all his best friend wanted was to selflessly make sure he finally got what he wanted. It’s then that Brain, for all his cold and cynical logic and superiority complex, realized the true meaning of christmas, which i’ve said before and i’ll say again: it’s about giving, about giving someone something with your heart and soul just to be nice with no expectation of something in return. It’s about being selfless for once instead of selfish. I’ts about love. And Brain loves his friend too much to destroy his faviorite holiday. For once the world can wait.. and for once they all join in saying merry christmas to one another and in love and camradire. And I know not everyone celebrates christmas, there are other winter holidays and not everyone in the world would willingly do this. I know all that.. but the special has such a well meaning message, I really can’t be mad at that or get into the weeds too much> This isn’t some jackass making an entire movie, of which there have been several, saying “There’s a war on christmas” which instead equates to them just bitching about not everyone celebrating HIS holiday. It’s about a mouse for one moment truly being selfless and putting ihs loyal and faithful friend over his greatest want to give him a nice christmas and to do something nice for the world instead of trying to take it. And that.. that’s really damn heartmelting.  So we end on the two exchanging presents, with it being a little extra heartwarming as Brain likely already got Pinky something meaning even before his big revelation, he really does care beneath all the dope slaps. Pinky got him a keychain of the world and rather than be frustrated like you’d think.. Brain just takes it in stride. It is christmas after all.. the world.. it can wait. For now it’s just the two of them having one moment in time, this merry christmas.  Final Thoughts: If it wasn’t obvious, I loved this freaking special. It’s funny, clever and has one hell of an ending. There isn’t much more to say other than go watch it if you have Hulu.. you will not regret it and a sepcial thanks to Blah for comissioning this. it was an amazing time and is now a competitor for a spot on my best christmas special list. For now though it’s just really good and I say go check it out. Merry christmas, happy holidays and later days. 

[normal-thoughts-official]

I'm ignoring my responsibilities in favor of watching the All Malec Moments video compilation so get ready for a livewatch no one asked for

Hodge is so incredibly wrong about everything he says about Magnus and it's kind of impressive because all he says is heavily supported by the Clave's files, which. Is proof of how great Magnus is at manipulating them and having them think exactly what he wants them to, tbh. Especially considering that as much as Magnus closes off emotionally, he was always very caring and kind to all other downworlders and warlocks, like, they all know they can trust him, he was named HWoB, he has a thousand kids, he took them all into hiding, etc. But the Clave and circle members are still 100% sure he's a super greedy lothario who's good for nothing but partying, and like. Obviously it's because they racist but they have an intelligence system and a file full of pictures and information and it all seems to support what Hodge is saying about him. So like Magnus was quite literally living a double life, with a whole personality he put up for shadowhunters and enemies, and another for his allies and friends, and even that one isnt 100% him because he was still trying to protect himself by closing himself off from relationships. and thats fucking impressive like my man is so smart i love him

Their first official talk is so funny magnus literally goes "I'm magnus" and Alec goes "Alec" and then he smiles and then he just goes. "Oh yeah right we should uh we should go to the hmm youhavebeautifuleyes what's it called hm" and its hilarious because they exchanged three (3) words and Alec is already all lost because Magnus is just That Beautiful. also all Magnus has to do is introduce himself and Alec smiles for the first time in 4 episodes like bro. bro. seriously. help him

he's SO frustrated when Alec doesn't get the "i love a dirty lair" flirt like he does that little eyebrow raise and hes just like "what the hell i thought that was GOOD" but Alec's head is legit playing wii music

Magnus pays izzy for "defending the warlocks" i had forgotten about that and it makes me so soft ;-;

Magnus and Izzy were just vibing with magnus asking her what presents Alec likes and clary immediately interrupts to ask about the memory demon like homophobic from day one i guess

Magnus is positively impressed by the way Clary goes "I'll do anything to save my mother" you can see how much he values loyalty right then have i mentioned that i love him

we talk about the "I'm talking to you" part a lot but we never mention how Magnus just throws that one and yeets off with clary not even waiting for a reaction he's just like that's RIGHT bitch you have beautiful hazel eyes too! do with that what you will i am now summoning a demon goodbye forever

the second him and Clary are away from the rest he tells her not to trust anyone and to be careful, like... ugh he cares so much it's unreal and again very deliberate, flirt a little, give izzy a necklace, throw in some innuendos, make it seem like it's all very innocuous so no one bothers to follow them or listen in when he goes away with Clary alone, and then immediately warn her about the clave when he gets away from the others. like he cares so much and he's so good at keeping that visible only for those he wants to it's astounding, my man is so talented and i hate that he had to learn to do that to survive but god i admire him and how committed he is to helping others too. like he could say "welp who cares it's dangerous imma go fuck off" like ragnor did but not only did he stay but he had a huge vulnerability with all his generosity and he never gave that up not for a second, even as he closed himself off from having any close friends or family or lovers, he never was anything if not generous and kind

the way he deliberately calls Jace shadowhunter in the most uninterested and even lowkey condescending way after the "pretty boy" incident idndjdndi we stan a king

the way Alec and magnus hold hands to summon the demon and even Magnus seems a bit shocked at the intensity of the sound and the bond that they make like. obviously they have their little staring contest and Alec is doing the Lightwood Intensity™ thing but like you can see Magnus frown just slightly and be a little confused because it was so strong right off the bat. even the sound of when they hold hands is louder than when the others do, like you can just feel their connection and the way magnus' magic flows so freely through Alec like god the soulmate energy tbh

Alec has a full body jerk when they hold hands too and he's the only one like damn we get it u 2 r vibin get a room

Izzy going "you ppl are pathetic" straight to the hets is so funny especially after Alec reacted to holding magnus' hand like he had gotten a 1000W electric shock or something. but i get the feel maybe she did that deliberately so they wouldnt pay as much attention to Alec's reaction too

the special effects were truly so bad like we all knew this but damn

Jace is such an asshole like Alec made it to kill the demon because it was you know about to seriously hurt them all and Magnus had just said that he couldn't contain the demon for longer (and like we know that Alec is the only one who ever cared if Magnus overexerted himself out of the shadowhunters but like bro this affects you) and Jace just???? shoved him??????? against the wall???? like a fucking piece of shit??? they should have let valak kill him tbh

the first time magnus calls him Alexander is when he calls Alec to see if he wants a drink and it's just like very clearly a thing that's supposed to be between them two? like he never did it when there were others nearby and i dig that

the fact that when asking Alec out he said "it was nice getting to know you, you seem sympathetic" like he could have gone with a lot of better more flirty adjectives but for a second the truth slipped out and he said what he thought - that while Alec was objectively you know tall and strong and all what really attracted him was the way Alec clearly gave a fuck whether or not Magnus was struggling with his magic to keep the damn demon at bay. and that was before the magic sharing shit too when Alec proved him right by cleaning up his things and saying that he had exerted himself enough for one day. like so many ppl see Magnus as the All Powerful Son Of Asmodeus Who's Also There To Service Shadowhunters and Alec just shows the faintest signs of caring about his wellbeing and he's immediately drawn to him like damn Im sad

also maybe this might be why he asked Alec to come so he could draw from his strength specifically, like he knew from the little hand holding thing that Alec was open and receptive to his magic (which probably adds to the "sympathetic" stuff like the fact that Alec had such an intense reaction to his magic and yet didnt try to push it back or draw away from it basically shows that he's open to Magnus if that makes sense? not only because magic is a part of warlocks but also because shadowhunters are all taught that magic is like, dirty and evil, so it would be instinctive for Alec to be resistant to demonic magic in his body, but he wasn't, he accepted it so readily and intensely it was a shock to the both of them) and also that he cared enough to support him. he kinda had Magnus' back from the beginning, first killing that circle member in the club before Magnus even saw him, then helping Magnus kill the other, then immediately making it to kill the demon when Magnus said he couldn't hold him back for long. like im aware I'm reading too much into this but s1 malec was very kept to the between-the-lines and its very interesting to me to think what Magnus was thinking, even if obviously on a subconscious level. Alec was showing himself to be open, reliable and caring, and magnus values that, and hes attracted to him and he hasnt had that in a while, because he wouldnt allow himself, but now he's healing and the pull he feels when he finally gets that while being emotionally available enough to accept these little gestures of caring is really strong. love that for him tbh

i go FERAL over everything about the magic sharing shit okay i always have. the way alec shows up and Magnus is kind of falling over, exhausted from trying to hold onto luke, and Alec immediately runs to support his weight and make sure hes okay? and magnus even as he was about to fall over never had his magic falter, my man couldn't keep his balance but still wouldnt come close to stumbling and risking luke's life further for even a second. so when Alec gets there he's just quite literally having his back, supporting his weight, when even Magnus didnt care about that (which like. unhealthy) and was focused on luke? and like Magnus can focus on luke because Alec is there to give him his support and make sure he's fine and how long's it been since he last had someone to do that?? and it's clearly alec's first instinct and like we know Jace or even Clary wouldnt fucking react like that. and then they have this ridiculous fucking staring contest again like we get it alec you're gay panicking at Magnus' beautiful eyes but like pls? and then we get to the most important part which is TAKE WHAT YOU NEED

like JDNDJSNSKDNDJDBSHSBSUSNSISNSIBSZJBZUZBSJSBSISNSSINSIS *SCREAMS INTO OBLIVION, SENDING SELF OUT OF EARTH'S GRAVITY ZONE*

his reaction is just SO intense and immediate he's just like "take what you need" he just offers himself fully to help Magnus just like that, no hesitation, and like Magnus is literally drawing from Alec's strength/life force, there should be some kind of resistance, even from a regular person or a friend, like its a very natural instinct. but Alec just grabs his hand and goes take what you need and he doesn't resist he just lets him do it and lets Magnus take his strength, because he genuinely worries about his wellbeing and safety just because he does, he believes in protecting others and being there for them, same as Magnus, and to Alec it's the most natural thing in the world but to Magnus it's shocking because he's always been self reliant, he has to be, he's been alone too many times and he's been used too many times and he's scared of what he'll let people take from him if he opens himself up because he always gives and gives, and he hasnt even let anyone be there for him to have his back and give him support when he needed in these last few centuries, not fully, not since Camille. but Alec shows up and just immediately cares for him in both small (like later when he refuses to let Magnus clean his couch magically because he knows he's tired and does it himself) and huge (like literally not hesitating before letting Magnus use a super intimate and presumably draining spell on him without putting any kind of limit, so Magnus can not overexert himself like he always does) ways and it means so much to him? and hes just so drawn and attracted to him and suddenly he realizes he's catching feelings that he had forgotten how to, because of course he had been healing and opening up, but he still kept people at some kind of length that didnt allow them to take care of him even if they wanted to, but Alec got that opening and he dived right in, and Magnus realizes how starved he's been for this kind of care and support that he's been denying himself and he decides to chase this, take it seriously, and i just aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

and like again Alec doesn't even think twice about it, because he's always been the protector and the support anyway, and he doesn't want to let anyone struggle and also most of that is just him being a Decent Human Being, but just like he got that opening that no one else did before, he met Magnus at the right time and he was sympathetic and caring and that sparked so much in Magnus, made him realize just how much he's been craving affection and care and close contact with people, and being vulnerable emotionally, and all of that that he's been denying himself. obviously magnus is romantically attracted to him but right then Alec is unlocking honesty with himself inside of magnus, he's unlocking vulnerability and not using it against him but really making a good thing out of it, and magnus' forgotten it could feel like this, safe and nice instead of hurting and scary. and again it's such a simple gesture but fuck my boy's been starved!! for so long!!! okay! and he can't help but want to desperately clutch to that feeling because against all odds he trusts alec to see his vulnerability right then (and he deliberately lets him see it further when he gives Alec that drink, tells him he's been closed off, that alec's unlocked something in him. you can see all the sadness and hope and vulnerability in his eyes right then, pretty much for the first time in the show, hes just so open and vulnerable and that's deliberate! first time was a fluke but second time he's choosing to because he wants to see where this goes, and if the magic sharing scene is the spark, the drinking scene is the fire, because they're not in a life or death situation anymore, Magnus is choosing to give Alec a chance by showing him a glimpse of his insecurities and Alec answers in kind, letting Magnus see his own confusion and want, and also again shows his caring and doesn't betray or use magnus' vulnerability and fuck!!! Magnus falls in love right then because this boy stays with him all night and talks, and he sees Magnus look at him with shiny eyes and admit that he's been scared of relationships, and he tells magnus not to overexert himself, and they click and Alec is open to his magic and hes funny and hes compassionate and also passionate about what he believes in, and they have so much in common with the way they hide and care so deeply and protect others always and are so loyal and i just. udndjdndidjdjxnxjxnskxndk SOULMATES god)

I need to lie down actually this was a bad idea I'm not strong enough I'm too feral

Might continue this later who knows. I'll be tagging malec livewatch and also long post as always if you want to filter this nonsense out

[chriscdcase95]

How not to debate Ships and Shipping

I am writing this from personal experience, and from noticing bad cases of Ship Policing going on in the Hazbin Hotel and Star Wars fandom as of late. I figured a bunch of kids got too much computer time from their parents and are in need of education, because this is a more extreme throwback to the shipping wars that occurred in the Twilight and iCarly fanbase from way back when. 

Since 2010, I have found myself a little immersed into the practice of shipping. At the start of this decade, I was Team Edward/Team Jacob levels of ship crazy, and here I am now with a new perspective on things. 

I've even devolved into multi shipping, but I apply that when it comes to compartmentalizing fanfiction and canon. I have my share of OTP's and NOTP's (although Jemma of Every Witch Way is personally my top NOTP for multiple reasons).

Anyways, welcome to my TedTalk where I will educate you ten to fifteen year old's about how not to debate ships. Take it from an old geezer with ten years of experience, I was there in the middle of ship wars at the start of the decade.

I said in previous posts that ships are a funny thing. They should be small in the grand scheme of things, and fans put them on this great and grand pedestals. Some to the extent where people become downright psychotic bullies about the ships they like or don't like, going as far as to police ships to other fans, and sometimes creators. I think we can agree Ship Policing should be seen as toxic behaviour, right ? Well, no. I'll admit that is a complex issue, even for a multi shipper like me. I brought this up in two Facebook groups I'm in, and the basic consensus is that Ship Policing is toxic behaviour -  except when they romanticize domestic violence, rape, pedophilia, etc.

But what is Ship Policing ?  Simply put, telling people who they are or are not allowed to ship; bullying and shaming others over their ships; and in the biggest extreme, sending death threats and rape threats to other fans over these pairings. The Jemma fans of Every Witch Way for example, are probably the biggest example of Ship Policing, seeing as they literally got the showrunners to rewrite the show to fit their ships fanfiction AU image. But that's neither here nor there, but the point is, AU's are best left to fanfiction or It's A Wonderful Life plots.

Similarly, the Hazbin Hotel fandom had this (hopefully/mercifully one) really bad apple coming the Chalastor fandom, who went on homophobic speeches and demanding that the showrunners make Chalastor canon over Chaggie because and RadioDust- in their own words - "Gays are gross" and went as far as to send death threats to the creators. Because that will certainly make your ship canon, and not make you and yours look like the Jemma fandom.

A less malicious and more hilariously petty example comes from The Loud House fandom, where Luanny fans tend to get butthurt over fans, fics and art of the Luaggie ship, despite the Luanny already being canon and Luaggie only ever existing in fanworks. It was such a one sided non-issue, that it was the Spec Ops the Line of ship wars.

Also within the Loud House fandom there is an artist who made OC's based off of his ships AU. I'm not into the ship or AU, but I saw him getting death threats not just to himself, but his OC's as well. I may not be fully aware of the situation (like I just said, I don't follow the ship or AU), but even I can call this a toxic and illogical way of thinking.

To make a primary and personal example for this lecture, I am going to bring up the most outlandish ship discussion I was part of the past year. Some time ago, I ended up in a debate regarding Kim Possible ships in a Facebook group I posted on. In it I said I wasn't into non canon but popular ship called Kigo. When I re-watched the series, the Drakgo and Kim x Ron (the latter of which I just realized didn't have a ship name) just kind of grew on, and I felt that there were some problems with Kigo as a romantic relationship.

Now I want to make sure to point out that if you like Kigo, that is 100% okay, it is just in my opinion that it would be problematic. It's my personal opinion that if you apply their canon characterization, you'll run into the same problems Anti Reylos have with Rey and Ben. Anyways, when I said my peace, most of the Kigo's didn't make a big deal about it; they took it in stride; calmly disagreed with me and stated their stance. This is what a proper ship discussion should be. It would have been one of the most stable, non toxic discussions I was a part of. Nothing memorable was supposed to happen.

Then she came along.

Since she isn't internet famous on this site or others as far as I know, I am not going to use real names because I don't want this person to be doxxed, stalked or cyberbullied, but I will us LP as a substitute. She will be our example of what a toxic anti will look like, and our example of how not to debate or discuss a ship. Simply put, if she had the fame, she would be the TrueLoveHeart94 of the Kigo fandom (look up Dumbsville's videos on him YouTube, and you'll get a good idea of what I'm talking about).

One of the first things to use is a simple explanation for your stance. When I was explaining my stance, I explained how I came to my conclusions simply by watching the show, putting some thought into it, and making my own opinion based on what I observed. Like I said these were my opinions, observations, and at no point do I claim it to be some objective fact. At no point to attack Kigo's, at no point did I call them toxic. The most I did was explain why I find it problematic. Like I said, if you like Kigo that is 100% fine and dandy, you'll get not hate or bullying from me.

LP on the other hand, well she just couldn't accept that someone didn't like Kigo. How dare I prefer two canonically heterosexual characters in a canon het ship. How dare I commit the crime of having an unpopular, differing opinion. Even worse how dare I try to explain my reasoning. 

It was one of those fan discussions. Now when I thought this was going to be a civil discussion, I asked her just why I was wrong not to ship Kigo. Why is Kim x Ron or Drakgo so toxic ? She didn't really give me a real answer; the closest she got to a coherent response was a borderline Darwinist rant about how "strong women shouldn't date weakling men".

That was what should have made me think "is this discussion worth having ?" (For the record, some of my favourite ship dynamics is with a tough or strong woman with a meek, even nerdish man so the whole "the strong shouldn't be paired up with weaklings" is a non argument to me).

Pretty soon she began breaking the following steps one should take in a debate

. Don't use double standards or Non Sequiturs - First thing you should be aware of in any debate is to actually listen too and answer you're opponents points. The talking points of dodging questions, or ignoring answers - a well as using those same answer to support your points - is an inherently dishonest tactic. If you have a point or counterpoint, it'll do you good not to use dishonest tactics to try to "win" your debates.

One of the things I had issues with regarding Kigo was one of the same points (if not the main) LP raised for the ship. As I said above one of my problems was some of the same talking points Anti-Reylo's raise. I pointed out how Kim and Shego have tried to kill each other a few times in the series, something LP both acknowledges and ignores in the exact same sentence. LP's own talking points for their relationship was their romantic/sexual chemistry could be seen in their fight scenes. This is an example of a Double Standard.

When I pointed out the abusive implications of this thought process, rather than directly answer this, LP went on to equate my point as accusing professional wrestlers of being abusive to their wives. This is an example of a Non Sequitur. She doesn't answer or address my points, and my points don't count unless they support her argument.

Double standards and Non Sequiturs in general should be avoided in any kind of debate. If a talking point is raised against you, it has to be addressed. Not doing so is a less dignified admission that you don't really have an answer.

Another example of this can be seen in the Team Edward vs Team Jacob noise; a Team Jacob fan could say that Edward was a stalker towards Bella, ignoring and dodging a counter argument of Jacob's "Nice Guy" attitude towards Bella and how he forcibly kissed her (also there's Charlie's non reaction to this, but that's beside the point). The same goes vice versa; both are problematic.

Use canon evidence to make your point - Admittedly this one can only really apply if you are making a case for a non canon ship, or pointing out problems with a canon one.

Now the reason LP was so impassioned about her arguments was her insistence that Kigo had to be canon. As she said, it wasn't enough that it was popular enough as a fanfic ship; it wasn't enough that I had to ship it; but she was trying to make the case that Kigo had to be the canon ship of the show, and she was trying to make the case for it.

TrueLoveHeart94 thought process aside, if  you want to make a canon case for your ship, it'll do you good in ship debates is use canon evidence. What I am saying is there are some ships that work in canon, others in fanfiction. If you were to make a point to prove your ship would work in canon, use canon examples.

For example, I mentioned above someone in the Hazbin Hotel fandom tried to make the canon case for Chalastor....by citing their personal homophobia and making death threats towards Ashley and Vivziepop.

In the debate, I used the show to explain why I wasn't into Kigo (as well as my above mentioned reasons) and I mentioned how I didn't see much in canon to see a romantic relationship. Now I want to be clear, I saw Kigo as a fanfic based ship and I am aware that Drakken and Shego seemingly reform at the end of the series, but with canon at best I see Kim and Shego as having a sisterly relationship. I also want to be clear I am not a canon purist. There are many non canon couples I like, I am a multi-shipper after all and I can compartmentalize fanfic couples with my canon OTP's. And I am a supporter of AU's. Hell, there's even Hero x Villain ships I am into...it's just Kigo isn't one of them. I am not an anti; I don't hate the Kigo relationship or it's fan; I just wasn't into it and the canon ships just grew on me when I revisited the series.

When I asked for canon examples that Kigo could work as a romantic pairing, LP's response was to cite fanfiction and fan art as proof.

Let me repeat; I asked for canon examples to prove her point, and why my stance was wrong....and she used fanworks.

I don't think I need to explain the problem here.

To my knowledge, not even TrueLoveHeart94 uses fanfiction/art to make a canon case for Sonamy. This is the kind of straw grasping I can see Chris Weston Chandler making. I don't even know what else to say about this. I still get slacked thinking about it.

Anyway, when I said the fanfiction isn't considered canon, LP responded thusly...

Avoid Ad Hominems and slander

Okay, this one should be a no brainer; when you are in a debate of any kind, there is one thing you can do that means you immediately loose your debate. Your points no longer become valid, you surrender any argument you may have, and you prove that you are not worth debating.

Ad Hominems, personal insults, death/rape threats, racist/homophobic ranting, slander, etc.

Let's just say the nicer things LP said was calling me retarded. I am not sure if that was a coincidence since I mentioned that I was autistic earlier in the discussion.

Keep in mind, all I did throughout the discussion was answer LP's questions, and explain my stance. I even said that it was just my opinion and at no point did I claim it to be objective fact.  At no point did I accuse LP of being racist; a nazi; biphobe; rape/abuse apologist; self-misogynist or misandrist; I never called her abelist (despite some of what she said above).

As for what she said to me ? Like I said, being called a retard was one of the more tame things she said of me. She kept sending me notifications that included angry, barely coherent rants, TrIgGeReD tExT, the whole nine yards.

See, this isn't how you win debates, this is how you rage quit these debates. To give you an idea of the way she was saying, I refer you to Dumbsville's videos on TrueLoveHeart94; the resemblance between LP and TrueLoveHearts comments are rather uncanny. Now for context, the discussion started approx. 6:00 to 7:00 PM...these notifications have been ongoing well into 1:30 AM.

And all this because I said I wasn't into a ship she liked.

That is when I put a stop to the discussion. I blocked LP and deleted the discussion just to be safe.

Conclusion

So as we start the new decade, I look back at how much I've seen making mountains out of molehills (shipping wars). I have seen, heard, even been part of these ship wars and discussions since  2010. My disastrous "debate" with LP is a recent example.

I do believe there is nothing wrong with discussing ships, but it has ben ten years and ship wars are just as bad as they were when Twilight hit the scene. I have heard stories of people getting threats of rape, doxing, threats to people families; people pushing others to self harm for liking "the wrong ship".

I wrote this to educate the young and impressionable in the 2020's not to repeat the same mistakes both I and others made in 2010. The fact the LP incidents is from 2019 and the incident with the Hazbin Hotel fandom are from December 2019 alone, shows that you good folks need some learning to do. Something that should be considered fun shouldn't be something worth hurting yourself or others over.

If you ever find yourself in such a debate, always remember to actually address points raised against you; don't dodge questions; if asked to provide canon reasons for why something should be a canonical OTP or NOTP, please remember that fanfiction are not considered canon examples; if you ever find yourself throwing nasty accusations, insults or threats to people's safety in a debate, then that means you lost the debate.

Hopefully you can follow this advise, and help make shipping fun again, and not something to start World War III over.

This had been my Ted Talk.

[cake-writes]

Little Lies (Kentucky)

Pairings: Steve x Reader // Bucky x Reader (mentioned)

Chapter Warnings: Angst, Smut, Fluff, Oral (Receiving), 18+

Summary: You went to Bucky when you wanted punishment. He’d be rough with you because he understood your self-loathing, and he’d leave bruises on your hips that wouldn’t go away for a week. You loved it. He didn’t.

You went to Steve when you wanted reassurance. You went to him because he liked to whisper sweet, sweet things into your ear as he made love to you. He’d tell you that you were perfect and amazing and beautiful. Then you’d get your fill, just far too much of it. He cared too much.

It all came to a head when the three of you went on a mission together. You’d done it a hundred times, even during this mess of a situation, and still neither of them was any the wiser. Your little lies always slipped right through the cracks - until one night, they didn’t.

Master List

August 2015

Kentucky was absolutely sweltering. It was a hot summer, for one, and for two, Steve was from Brooklyn. He wasn’t used to such sticky, uncomfortable heat because New York summers were much milder than this and Germany’s were much of the same. He wasn’t used to the humidity, either, even after you’d managed to wrangle him into a tank top, cargo shorts, and flip-flops. It was much less stifling than his uniform or even his civvies, but he felt out of place in such bizarre, 21st century clothing.

Then again, that was exactly the point. He was undercover. You both were.

You, on the other hand, seemed right in your element as the two of you unloaded the moving van you’d just picked up a few miles away from one of Tony’s associates. It was stocked full of boxes – mostly empty ones, just for show – along with a couple pieces of furniture: table and chairs, a small sofa, and a bed.

You were wearing a tee shirt with some faded band logo on it – Steve didn’t recognize it – and a pair of short denim shorts. Those he recognized only because Sam had teased you about them right before the two of you left the compound – called them ‘Daisy Dukes,’ whatever that meant. You’d just winked at Sam, made a lasso motion with your hands and cheered, “yee-haw,” like a cowgirl. Then you and Sam shared a laugh. It was a reference that Steve clearly didn’t get, but that was fine. It gave him something to think about, to distract him from how short those shorts really were.

The flight to Kentucky had been fine. You hammed it up a bit, already putting on the newlywed façade – told the flight attendant that you’d just gotten married and darlin’, isn’t my new hubby just the greatest? and it flustered him. You were showing him off. Even if it wasn’t real, he couldn’t help but preen a little.

That said, there was no doubt in his mind that someone else would have better suited the role than him. The decision wasn’t up to him, though; there had quite literally been a vote to see who should take this mission, and he’d been selected the prime candidate because of course he was. Everyone thought it would be hilarious to shove you and him together in a box for a couple weeks, like some warped version of Seven Minutes in Heaven: you, the scandalous minx you were, and him, the prude.

Steve didn’t mind it, really. He was actually a little excited for it. Nervous, too. He was in love with you, had been for months now. He knew should have said no to the mission because of the clear conflict of interest but he didn’t.

His attraction to you started out as an objective appreciation for the way you could handle yourself in the field. He noticed the glimmer you got in your eyes from a fight, when you did something perfectly or landed a particularly good blow or when he saved your ass at the last minute. He noticed the excited flush that came over your cheeks and the mischievous look you got when you fought alongside him, the two of you working together so well that it was almost like an elaborate dance.  

He’d had always known how attractive you were in other ways, too. Every now and then, he’d catch the slip of a bra strap, or you’d lean over and your shirt would accidentally reveal far too much cleavage. Sometimes, you’d wear a short, tight dress and go out to a nightclub with Natasha, and he could barely keep his eyes off of you. Other times, the hint of your thong peeked out of the top of your tac pants. Not often.

He tried not to look. You drove him crazy.

The mission itself was the easy part. The two of you were undercover in this small Kentucky town to find out where some particularly important intel had been downloaded. Tony’s satellites had only been able to pinpoint it to a one block radius, which coincidentally was smack dab in the middle of suburbia.

Your new residence was a charming little house at the end of a cul-de-sac, two bedrooms, one bath. A white picket fence bordered the yard, with pretty pink and purple flowers blooming under the windowsills and in the front garden. The exterior was painted light blue and it seemed a bit older, likely heritage – almost looked like something from his childhood, if he was being honest.

The moment Steve saw it – really, truly took it in – it made him stop in his tracks.

Some people actually got to have lives like this. They married, settled down, popped out a couple of kids, maybe got a dog. They had normal, ordinary lives. He wondered for a moment if this was what it felt like.

Your shoulder brushed against his as you made your way up the paved driveway, carrying a big box. You were humming some tune he didn’t recognize. He just stood there like an idiot, watching you as you went inside to add the box to the ever-growing pile and when you came back out, you waved at someone – one of the nosy neighbours, no doubt.

Then you gave him a sweet smile. “Honey?”

God, the word was so, so sweet on your tongue and it made his heart race. Somehow, he managed to get out an easy, “Yeah, sweetheart?”

It felt so strange and unfamiliar to use such words of adoration for you, but he certainly didn’t mind it in the least. It felt nice. While he called you ‘doll’ every now and then out of habit, he tried not to out of respect for you. Now he didn’t need to hold back.

“Do you wanna come help me with this? I can’t lift it.”

“Of course,” he responded, readjusting his grip on the box in his arms before he started up the walkway.

You waited for him at the door. When he got there, you gave him another one of those sweet, disarming smiles, and then you kissed him on the cheek, batting your eyelashes at him.

It was an act, of course, to appease the nosy neighbours and it also helped the two of you blend in. You were just trying to sell the story, and he knew that – but this was a terrible idea. He wasn’t sure how long it would to take to finish the mission, but he hoped it was sooner rather than later. You were going to be the death of him with the pet names, the southern drawl, the skimpy outfits and, just – you.

The house was pretty much already stocked with anything either of you would need. There were two bedrooms, one for each of you, but you’d have to share a bathroom. That was fine, because you’d done it plenty of times before during other missions. It was actually pretty nice that you had your own rooms, for once, because you usually had to share a single motel room or set up camp somewhere outside.

The first night, you ordered takeout because that was pretty much a moving day tradition. The two of you joked around like usual and talked about all sorts of things, but none of them were really personal. You kept the conversation breezy and light, even when it drifted to the mission at hand. Over beer and pizza, the two of you developed a plan to canvas the area. You’d distract the neighbours while Steve got into their homes and searched for the intel. Easy as pie.

Quite literally.

Steve was a heavy sleeper, but he woke to the smell of warm apple pie wafting through the house. It was still relatively early, sun just rising above the horizon, but you were already putting the plan into action.

When he came downstairs, he caught a particularly nice view of your ass as you leaned over to pull the pie from the oven. You weren’t wearing those short denim shorts anymore, but a pair of tight high-waisted jeans and a crop top.

“Mornin’, sugar,” you said with a wink.

It caught him off guard. He remembered that the two of you were undercover, but it wasn’t necessary behind closed doors like this. You were purposely trying to get a rise out of him.

He gave you a deadpan look, but he still felt his cheeks flush and, when he saw your eyes shine mischievously, he knew you’d noticed it too.

“Didn’t realize apple pie counted as breakfast nowadays,” he commented.

“Come on, Cap. We deep fry everything nowadays. Of course it’s breakfast,” you told him, laughing. He studied your face for a moment, and then, when he actually went to reach for the freshly baked pie, like this was yet some more knowledge that he’d never learnt while he was frozen – you gently pulled his hand away. “Oh, no, I’m sorry, Rogers. It’s for our cover.”

You rarely apologized for anything, but for this – for him, you did. The fact that he’d been frozen for so many years wasn’t something to joke about to you, even if it was unintentional. You hadn’t meant to make a joke of it.

Steve looked a little surprised by that. It didn’t really bother him all that much when people made jokes at his expense. Sensitive topic, absolutely, but the jokes were never malicious and he knew that. It was more prodding fun at the fact that while yes, he’d certainly missed a lot, it also meant that people were looking out for him, suggesting to him things that he should look into.

Your warm fingers lingered on his hand just a little longer than they should have.

He shook his head. “Don’t worry. I’m used to it. There’s a lot of stuff I need to catch up on.”

“Got a list going, huh?” you teased.

“Yeah, actually,” he said with a grin, pulling a small notebook out of his pocket. “Sure do.”

That morning, the two of you went through his list one by one, and you gave some comments and suggestions of your own. Instead of writing them himself, like he usually did, he relinquished the pen and paper to you.

Steve inadvertently wound up saving those notes, and on particularly bad days, he found himself studying every curve of your handwriting, like it held whatever answer he was seeking.

Over the next few days, he came to realize that you were purposely fucking with him.

You’d always been a tee shirt and jeans kind of girl, at least in the couple of years he’d known you, but for this mission all you wore were cute, dainty outfits. You started wearing floral dresses or the occasional blouse and skirt, paired with light makeup and heels. You hardly ever wore makeup or heels unless you were going out with Natasha.

You were playing a character. He knew that. But seeing you in such a different light, so sweet and girly, it did something to him. It sparked something in him – or maybe it just added fuel to the fire that was already burning for you.

He’d always treated you respectfully, at least he liked to think so. Even though he’d had an undeniable attraction to you for a long time – longer than he’d been in love with you – he’d always treated you like an agent first and a woman second. Seeing you like this, though, it made that an extremely difficult task to accomplish, especially when you were calling him, “Honey,” and “Baby,” and introducing him to your new neighbours as your husband.

He loved seeing that ring on your left ring finger. There was a matching one on his, and a large part of him wished it was real.

After about a week, neither of you had made any headway in your mission yet. The two of you had tried multiple residences nearby, now, but no luck so far. It became routine, almost, the way you went about your days.

Steve was a morning person. He woke early to go for a run, much earlier than you, even before the sun started to rise. The small house you shared was a little older, and the floorboards creaked as he crept past your room to go downstairs in the early hours. It never failed to wake you, but hearing the gentle creaking every morning soon became a comfort that you never realized you’d miss until after it was gone.

You, on the other hand, were a night owl. You stayed up late on the sofa downstairs, using your work tablet to investigate new leads and potential suspects well after Steve went to bed. Of course, that only did so much to distract you from the fact that the eerie quiet of the small town got to you. It made you relive memories you’d rather forget.

When you were alone, that was when you suffered most. Unfortunately, Bucky wasn’t here to help you. You’d only recently discovered how good he was at making you forget, but for this, you’d just have to make do on your own like you’d done for so long already.

It was more difficult than ever before.

You followed Steve up to bed once, with every intention of starting something you knew you shouldn’t. He was in the middle of brushing his teeth when he found you standing at the top of the stairs, staring at him in a way that just a little bit unsettling.

He pulled his toothbrush from his mouth and asked, “What’s the matter, doll?”

He was too sweet. You lost your nerve.

“Forgot my phone,” you said blankly, before you held it up like it was proof that your intention hadn’t been anything but innocuous.  

Steve just shrugged and went back to brushing his teeth, completely oblivious as to what you’d nearly done. You’d nearly crossed a line that shouldn’t be crossed. Not again. You’d already done it with Bucky. You didn’t need to do it with Steve, too.

Despite it all, some nights you needed to be held – especially here in this awful quiet town that made it so easy for you to lose yourself in your memories. You needed to be treated sweetly, and in a lot of ways, Steve did that for you. Not intentionally, of course; just a kind look here, a gentle hand on your lower back there, not to mention the praise he offered you sometimes. He often told you after missions that you’d done a good job.

Good job. From his lips, it almost sounded like he was saying good girl.

What really did it for you, though, was that you didn’t even have to say a thing for Steve to know you were doing your best. He didn’t know you, not really, aside from one single side of you that he knew almost too well – the small part of you that wanted his praise, along with his acceptance of your mistakes. Steve had seen you make a number of them over the past couple of years, and despite them all, he always treated you so kindly. He never judged you or blamed you for them.

You never, ever let anyone else see you that way, let alone Bucky because if he did, then he’d have seen far too much. You only let people have a glimpse of who you truly were here and there, because if they saw too many sides of you, then they’d be able to piece together who you really were deep down. It wasn’t pretty.

You offered Bucky the dangerous, broken part of yourself, the one that killed and murdered and didn’t feel a lick of remorse. You got him to punish you, ruin you, break you, because that was what that part of you deserved – and he was so, so good at it. You loved him for it. You thanked him. That side of you well and truly belonged to him. You never showed it to anyone else.  

Not that you’d ever tell him that.

The other part of you that Steve got to see – the sweet, clueless girl who did her best and it just wasn’t good enough sometimes – that part of you was all his.

Not that you’d ever tell him that, either.

Your weakest point was always late at night when you were alone. You found yourself coming closer and closer to climbing into Steve’s bed more frequently as the days passed, but you held strong. Somehow, you managed.

Sometimes you stopped yourself when you got to the top of the stairs, staring at his closed bedroom door. Other times, you found yourself in his bedroom, taking in every bit of his peaceful, sleeping face. Once and only once, you ran your fingers through his hair and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. On that particular night, you very nearly hadn’t stopped there – but you managed.

You always managed.

During the day, you put on a façade just like you’d always done. It was routine. It almost felt normal to do this – to cohabitate, to get groceries and toilet paper, to worry about how your lemon bars were going to turn out today – but you never let yourself fall too deep into that normal, ordinary line of thinking because you knew how hard it would be to pull yourself out of it.

Every day, Steve went for an early morning jog, and after he’d come back and showered, you finally started to rouse. By the time you sluggishly made your way downstairs, he was in the kitchen fixing breakfast for the two of you. He never failed to have a hot cup of coffee waiting for you with the exact amount of cream and sugar you liked.

It was the same every day, and some part of you – that sweet, clueless girl – loved every part of it. The normalcy. The domesticity.  

Your pet names for each other started to become insufferable in the best way. You used to greet him with normal ones – honey, baby, sweetheart – and he did the same. As the days passed, though, in private the two of you got more and more ridiculous to the point that you made each other laugh with them. And, every now and then when one of them slipped out in public, it only added to your newlywed persona.

“Good morning, honeybun,” you said airily, taking a seat at the counter where you’d plugged in your work tablet the night before.  

Steve gave you a grin just like he always did when you said a particularly silly one. “Morning, gorgeous.”

He didn’t blush as easily anymore when he said such sweet things to you. You assumed that he must have just gotten used to it, but it was a little bit disappointing. You loved to rile him up.

As he dished up two plates of pancakes, you took a sip of the coffee he made for you and scrolled through the new intel from HQ that had come through during the night. There wasn’t much, just another potential location to check out.

After a quick breakfast, Steve did check it out, and it was yet another dead end. It was well into the afternoon by the time he was finished. On your side of things, you spent the day distracting the residents of that particular home so that Steve could get in and out unseen.  

You met up a block away, and on your way back to your new home, you remembered that you needed to pick something up for dinner. The two of you took a detour to the corner store where you usually got your groceries.

Steve was wearing his favourite baseball cap and sunglasses, and you were in a particularly flattering sundress and wedge heels. The mid-afternoon weather was lovely – hot, but not quite as sweltering as most other days. It was nice.

It was almost second nature at this point for you to reach out and lace your fingers with his. The first time you’d done it, he looked surprised as hell and the flush that came across his face made your heart race. Now, he just offered you a small smile and pressed a kiss to the back of your hand like he’d done it a thousand times before.

It still made your heart race.  

All things considered, it seemed like a normal day – except it wasn’t. You should have noticed the extra staff at the corner store. You should have noticed the bulk around their waists – guns – but you didn’t. You were too focused on what to make for dinner. For the first time in a very, very long time, you let your guard down. You forgot.

Steve did notice, but it took him a little longer than normal, too. When you felt his familiar hand on your lower back press against you just a little more firmly, you immediately knew something was up but you continued to act like everything was just peachy, even when he whispered into your ear, “We need to go.”

You didn’t have to be told twice. You grabbed a couple of random things from the shelves: two tins of beans, a bag of chips, and a candy bar, and then the two of you made your way to the register. You paid in cash. Steve carried the bag for you on the way out.

It wasn’t difficult to notice the two men on your tail. Your cover was blown. Somehow, your cover was blown and you hadn’t even fucking noticed because you were too distracted by this newlywed façade. You were too distracted by what it felt like to be normal.

Steve took your small hand in his free one, then, and gave you a gentle squeeze – as if to reassure you. When you glanced over at him, the way he smiled at you made your heart flutter just a little.

This isn’t your fault. Stop worrying. It’ll be fine.

You believed him.  

You made your way to another house, one that had no cars in the driveway and no garage. Hopefully no one was home. It was some random residence a couple of blocks away from your safe house, but you picked the lock so quickly that it looked like you were just opening the door with a regular key. Then you and Steve walked inside like that was where you’d been living this whole time.

You watched from the second-floor window as the two men on your trail radioed something in, probably your location – and then you both slipped out the back and hopped the fence. It was a little higher than you’d normally be able to scale, and Steve helped lift you over. He put his hands around your waist to lift you up, first, but you still couldn’t quite reach, so you quickly told him, “Grab my ass, Rogers.”

Steve’s grip noticeably faltered at your request and your sundress fluttered in the breeze, but he did as you asked – slid his hands from your waist to your barely-covered ass and soft thighs, which provided just enough height and leverage to finally pull yourself over the fence.

When you landed on the other side, you felt like you’d just run a marathon. His touch had been so hot, almost burning, and he’d gripped you so firmly, so close to where you’d been wanting him to touch you for what felt like ages that wet, sticky heat had started to pool in between your legs.

Neither of you discussed it.

The run home was fast, but silent and uncomfortable. You didn’t speak much, and neither did he. You shared a dinner of canned beans and potato chips, but neither of you had much of an appetite. You needed to figure out what to do, now, but you barely had a chance to discuss it when the loud sound of an explosion shook your quaint little safe house.

You both immediately knew what it was.

The perp – whoever the hell it was – had blown up the house the two of you had gone to earlier. It wasn’t your house. It belonged to some random family. You could recall seeing their photos on the walls, a happy family of four.

Steve said something to you, but it didn’t really register. He pulled on his uniform and went to check it out. That didn’t really register, either. All you could focus on was the fact that you’d very likely gotten people killed because you’d been too stupid and distracted to notice that your cover was blown.

By the time he returned, you had turned on the news to find that the explosion was being blamed on a gas leak. The grim expression on his face told you that definitely wasn’t the case, but you already knew that.

A couple more hours passed in silence as you stared blankly at the television. You weren’t watching it. You weren’t paying attention at all. Instead, you were reliving every single mistake in your career and as much as Steve desperately wanted to reach out and hold you, help you feel better, ease your pain, he didn’t.

Things like this always hit you hard, but you never wanted comfort. You always had to handle it yourself. He’d tried in the past to help – told you that it wasn’t your fault, gently rubbed your back – and you’d shoved him away. You didn’t want to be coddled. You didn’t need it.

Except tonight, you did.

Steve went to bed first, sometime after eleven. It wasn’t that the night’s events didn’t bother him, because they certainly did. He’d just experienced things like this a lot more than you, especially during the war, and he knew how to compartmentalize. Somehow, he could still sleep at night, whereas he knew you probably wouldn’t get a wink of it.

He’d help you pack in the morning. He’d contact HQ. He’d write up the mission report. He’d do all of it for you, because he loved you. He’d do anything for you.

Sometime in the middle of the night, you stopped resisting your impulses. You crept up the stairs and, for a brief moment, paused as you stared at Steve’s closed bedroom door for what was probably the umpteenth time.

Your heartbeat was pounding in your ears as you slowly turned the doorknob and stepped inside.

The moonlight was streaming through the open curtains onto the bed, where you found him fast asleep. Of course he was. He’d always been a heavy sleeper, even now.

You brushed away a few strands of hair stuck to his forehead, and he almost seemed to lean into your touch; then you trailed your fingers down his bare chest, further south, pushing his sheets back along the way. The only thing he was wearing was a pair of soft plaid sleep pants that you’d teased him about once – said they suited him, the old man he was.

Right now, though, they were almost too low on his hips. Must have shifted sometime during the night.

His skin was damp to the touch from the summer heat. As your eyes trailed over him in the moonlight, you had a fleeting thought of how perfect he was and you stopped holding yourself back.

Your lips were hot on the sweat-slicked skin of his abdomen. He tasted like salt and smelled like heaven – like soap and fresh laundry, clean, with the slightest undertone of musk.

It turned you on.

You kissed your way up his body until he stirred with the softest, quietest moan, his muscles shifting under your touch. You didn’t stop. Instead, you met his dazed, half-lidded eyes with a sinful smile.

“Wait, wait,” he breathed, fumbling to take your hands into his. His voice was rough from sleep. “Talk to me, doll. Please.”

You didn’t.  

Instead, you nudged your dress out of the way and straddled his hips, which let you feel exactly how much you’d affected him. His cock was rock hard and straining against his pajama pants, and you did nothing to soothe it. Instead, you rolled your hips against him.

“Sweetheart,” he groaned, his head lulling back against the pillow. “It’s been a bad night. We shouldn’t.”

He didn’t mean it.

When you laced your fingers with his, he was so receptive – squeezed your hands right back, especially when you leaned down to kiss him. Your breasts nearly spilled out of your bra when they fell against his chest. With your dress half-unbuttoned, you saw his eyes flicker down to your cleavage for a split second before he looked back up at your face in awe, cheeks flushed, lips parted.

You kissed him, then, softly and sweetly, and sighed against his mouth, “Make me forget.”

Almost instantly, his hands left yours to cup the sides of your face, and he kissed you so deeply, so passionately that all you could think about was him. His lips were soft, but his kisses weren’t, especially when his tongue swept into your mouth as if to claim you, make you his, make you forget.

Then he trailed his fingers down the sides of your body, feeling every inch of you against him before they settled on your hips. He held you in place as he ground his hips up into yours, and you gasped against his mouth, relishing in the feeling of his hard cock against your folds – clothed or not.

The way he gathered you in his arms and lay you down on your back was sweet and gentle. He peppered kisses down your neck and torso as he finished unbuttoning your dress, before it was off entirely, discarded haphazardly to the floor – and then he sat back on his heels to just look at you.

You weren’t fully revealed to him yet, still wearing a lacy peach-pink bra and panties, but you felt absolutely naked in front of him. You were attractive, you knew that much – but the way his eyes took in every single one of your curves made your face flush like that stupid, clueless girl that had gotten people killed tonight.  

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered as he leaned in to kiss you again.

Something about the way he said it made you want him even more and you whined – actually whined – against his lips, “Baby, please.”  

Jesus Christ, he could have come right then.

Instead, he pulled away just enough to press a kiss to your stomach, your navel, your hip – and then he tugged your panties down and off before he buried his face between your thighs. He’d been wanting to worship your body for ages, and you deserved it now more than ever.

Your reaction was immediate. You gasped and writhed against his mouth, so much that he had to firmly hook his arms around your legs to hold you in place. You were so god damn responsive and it drove him crazy, especially when you gripped his hair in your fingers and pulled him closer to grind your perfect pussy against his face.

The taste of you was intoxicating – sweet, just a little tart – and he barely even realized what he was doing when he slid two fingers inside of you. Not one to start like he normally would have, but two, because you were so fucking soaked and desperate for him already.

“Stevie,” you whimpered when he curled his fingers up in a particular spot that sent you reeling.

God, he loved the sound of his name on your lips.

“Does that feel good?” he cooed against your slick folds, his hot breath sending a chill through you.

“Yeah,” you responded breathily, and you whimpered when he did it again. “Yeah, honey, just like that—”

Honey.

The word spurred him on and he went right back to devouring you, his tongue circling your clit as his fingers curled roughly against your g-spot over and over. It brought you higher and higher and higher until he couldn’t hold you down anymore and your back arched off the sheets, legs shaking against his shoulders as you came with a sharp cry.

When you collapsed back against the sheets, he crawled up your body to see your flushed, fucked-out face. Before he kissed you again, he went to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand out of consideration for you – but instead, you tugged on his arm and pulled him down to settle in between your thighs.

“Kiss me like that,” you told him, and he readily complied. You could taste yourself on his lips, but you didn’t care; all you cared about was the sharp breath he took in as you slid your hand into his pants and wrapped your fingers around him. His cock was hot, thick, and heavy in your palm, and you wanted him inside of you.

Your other hand slid his pajama pants down just enough to pull him out entirely, and then you ran the head of his cock back and forth through your slick folds.

Steve broke away from the kiss to lean his forehead against your shoulder. His voice was unsteady when he started, “If you’re not sure—”

But you just wrapped your legs around his waist, then, and used the leverage to drag him inside of you. All you could manage was the tip because of the angle, but at your eagerness, he actually growled – deep and feral before he slid the rest of the way inside in one fluid motion.

“Fuck, Stevie,” you gasped, “You feel so good—”

Then his lips were on yours again, swallowing every single word you wanted to say. He wasn’t rough, but he wasn’t exactly gentle either as his hips rocked into yours so easily – almost like this was meant to happen, like the two of you should have been doing this all along. His tongue dominated your mouth as his hands caressed your body all over, palming your breasts, your hips, your thighs as he made love to you.

That’s exactly what it was. You knew it, and he did, too.

The realization of that brought you to the brink almost in an instant.

When he hiked one of your legs up higher around his waist, you felt even closer – both to him, and to your orgasm. It was intimate. It was perfect. The new angle was incredibly deep, and his cock reached spots inside of you that you’d never even known about before.

You broke away from his mouth to bury your face in his shoulder, arms wrapped tight around his neck. “I’m close, god, I’m so fucking close, Steve—”

Judging by the way he was throbbing so much inside you, he was close, too. His breath was hot on the shell of your ear when he rasped, “Where do you want it?”

“Inside,” you gasped, your nails digging into his back. “Fill me up, honey, please.”

His hands gripped your thighs even more firmly as he held you in place, his thrusts stuttering just a little at the knowledge that you didn’t want him to pull out, no—you wanted him to come inside you. You wanted him to fill you up. You wanted him to give you every single fucking drop of his cum.

“Fuck, Steve, I’m coming, I’m coming—” you babbled mindlessly against his neck, wrapping your legs around him even tighter as you reached your peak, pleasure cascading around you in waves.

Those breathless moans paired with your walls clenching down on him so tightly were what pushed him over the edge, and he buried himself to the hilt, filling you up just like you’d begged him for with a groan of your name right into your ear. It might have been the sexiest thing you’d ever heard in your life, but your mind was blissfully blank.

He left to get you a washcloth to clean up – the two of you had made a mess after all – and unlike how you’d been with Bucky, you let Steve take care of you. You needed it.

After he wiped you clean, you curled so snugly into his side, using his chest as a pillow. He pressed gentle kisses to the crown of your head and muttered sweet nothings to you, and his soothing voice eased you to sleep.

For the first time in a very long time, Steve overslept.

At first, he thought he forgot to turn on his alarm. Then he remembered that it automatically set itself every morning. He didn’t forget to turn it on. 

You’d purposely turned it off.

He knew that because by the time he woke, you were gone. He found a note from you downstairs, on the kitchen counter where you used to have breakfast every morning.

Headed to my next mission. See you around, Rogers.

It was that same curly handwriting as what you’d written in his little notebook. He recognized it in an instant, but when he realized what you meant by it – that this was a one-time thing, a moment of weakness, a lapse of judgement – he couldn’t say it didn’t sting.

What hurt worse was that, when he tried calling you, it went straight to voicemail and when he sent you texts, you read and then ignored them.

You brushed him off, because you got what you wanted.

He made you forget.

Master List

[cloudvelundr]

Reciprocate

Cloud receives a package.

... due to the increased risk we would recommend phasing out the E04 models in favour of reverting to series C, or testing any F- and G-series as with the rate of attacks the E series is quickly falling to an irreparable state. We would tentatively recommend the F2-2 [link: specs] F3.4-2 [link: specs] or the G5-B [link: specs] provided that the units do not emit any byproduct noise in the range of the danger frequencies – testing may be required as this is not noted on any available reports. Likewise, the towers in the Thurmir and Jarfast townships are also affected but the already in service F2-0 will be sufficient as they are in a milder climate zo

“Oh la laa! Someone’s been holding out on us!”

Cloud blinked away from his report to where Sebastian was cackling over one of the oversized reusable crates Shinra sent out most of it’s shipments in. He’d heard him in the hall chatting with the delivery team between the steady sound of boxes thumping down but it’d been easy to ignore: he was on a roll and over the summer shipments came every couple days for as long as they could. The delivery guys had cut through the common area to the kitchen – technically the mess but it really didn’t qualify – a little while ago leaving Sebastian to rummage and start whittling the pile away. The current box had a post office stamp.

“Someone sent a dildo,” he wheezed.

The couriers heads popped back in.

A “what?” filtered faintly though the ceiling followed by a thundering across the room into the kitchen and then Paige was pushing in looking delighted. Andy followed more sedately.

“Did I hear mail order sex toys?”

Snerk. “No- well, maybe. I dunno – just saw it.”

“Well let’s see! Who’s it for?”

“Gimme a sec, gimme a sec! It’s under some shit.”

He dove back in under the amused watch of the gathered. Cardboard slithered and he cursed, and started removing packages: “Henry... Mairi... oh, hey, sir got something heavy... ‘nother for Henry.. Tomeo... hmmm... aaaand here we are!”

He popped up triumphantly, whoever’s prize in hand.

At about a foot long it looked like two boxes taped together, one smallish but wide and another narrow and long like a post on a pedestal, it did look like it could be a dick in a box. Sebastian flipped it around to find the label and read it with raised eyebrows.

“Hey blondie, something you wanna tell us?”

Cloud squinted at the package as Sebastian brought it over, their entirely too happy squadmates looking on. He accepted it bemusedly and checked the sender.

Zack. Of course it was Zack. Except it shouldn’t be.

“... This is too soon for vengeance.”

“Come again now.”

Cloud ignored him in favour of diving for his PHS, blinking almost invisibly in the light of the room. What were the odds, he wondered around the growing bubble in his chest. The top message was in fact from Zack.

It said: why are you like this

Underneath was a picture of Cloud’s birthday gift to him, in heavy shipping paper, wrapped in loving detail with remarkable resemblance to a dildo.

Cloud snorted into his hand. Started to giggle. Slid to the floor laughing.

“You okay down there?”

He waved off the concern and offered his phone to someone’s hand while he pulled himself upright, amusement still bubbling.

Somewhere behind him Paige started snickering.

“I was gonna ask who does that, but apparently you do.”

A quick flick of keys revealed something somewhat lumpy, brightly wrapped in confetti printed birthday paper, sharing the same shape as it’s box so he pulled it out and lay them side by side.

“Alright give me my phone.”

He took a picture and sent it.

you’re one to talk

and that’s not your coffee table

i sent it to your apprtmt why are you opening it on base

The reply was almost immediate.

i may have forwarded my mail

i’m in icicle for two more weeks but mom was sending cookies

And then the phone rang.

“Zack I swear if there’s chocobo underwear in this thing it doesn’t matter where you are I will find a way to hurt you.”

“Dammit I knew I forgot something.”

There was an echoing quality to his voice. Other voices were chuckling a little too loudly in answer.

“... You’re on speaker phone aren’t you?”

“No point pretending the peanut gallery can’t hear us.”

“Point,” he agreed and switched his as well in favour of poking his gift. There was something hard and brickish wrapped in the not-underpants. “Anyone I know?”

“Don’t think so? Guys this is Cloud, sender of suspiciously wrapped objects. His birthday’s the week after mine.”

“You mean his name isn’t Spike? You lied to me Fair. I’m hurt.”

“Ivo?”

“Real deep. Right here.”

“Piss off.”

“Seriously though, is it a dildo?”

“No. No it is not.”

“Because it’s really convincing.”

“... In my defence I was bored.”

“You’re sure?”

“Zack, I’m a craftsman. Fake fake dick isn’t hard to do.” Someone laughed again. “Besides, Aer might kill me.”

“’Cause this wrap job’s a work of art.”

“Just open the damn thing.”

“Hear hear!”

“You too, Spike.”

“Please,” Andy leaned on the couch, a smirk colouring her words, “show us what wonders the sad penis holds.”

“Fine, fine – happy birthday, dork.”

“You too, nerd.” Paper ripped. “... of course you wrapped it in puppies and cupcakes. Why did I think you wouldn’t.”

“I have a giant roll of that stuff,” It was a rather lovely pastel blue too. Cloud hefted his gift and considered where to start, “I’ll using it for years.”

Cloud heard Zack sigh before another heavy rip and rustle came over the speaker, and decided to open the shaft before the heavy thing could escape on it’s own – already he could see holes where the corners were trying to work their way free. When he ripped in it tried to anyway, nearly slipping free in an explosion of obnoxious sport socks.

The audience pouted.

“Aw, no dildo.”

“Nice whetstone though.”

“Did you have to pick the most eye peeling socks you could find?”

“Duh. Did you have to use duct tape?”

“Well how else was I supposed to attach the banana to the egg thing?”

“He’s got you there, Fair.”

“Why would anyone even need a two egg travel case.”

“Lunch? Hard boiled is a thing.”

“You could put the cream egg things you like in them.”

“Point.”

Click.

“Score! Banana has candy!” A patter of little thumps.

“Of course you immediately dump them.”

“Mmm. Where did you get the fruit things?” Zack asked, clacking one against his teeth, “I can never find them.”

“Places.”

“That’s helpful.”

“I aim to serve,” he replied, plucking at the remaining wrapping.

“Pff. Liar.”

The paper gave way to another pair of socks – the thickest, fluffiest he’d ever seen, and probably the first he’d wear out come winter – which were bundled around a small, flat plastic case. The clasp was stiff but snapped open to reveal game data cards.

“Awesome,” Cloud grinned. The new Tales of Zelig was first up. “I know what I’ll be doing all winter. Thanks!”

“You’re welcome! Two of them were already yours though – I grabbed them when I put the cases with your stuff.”

“Thanks, I didn’t realize I’d forgotten them.”

“No prob.”

“Now finish yours.”

“Yeah, crack open your balls, Fair.”

“That sounds wrong,” Paige muttered. Cloud thought he might’ve flinched.

Sebastian sniggered. “Psssh. It’s hilarious and your know it.”

There was a popping noise and a pause.

“Dude.”

“Cloud, are these what I think?”

“Are they spawns of the materia you keep threatening to steal? Yeah. Yeah they are.”

“You meme loving fuck, I am going to lord this over Genesis forever.”

“Does the commander not have them?”

“No, they’re super rare. Like how you even have them I don’t know.”

Cloud sat back, pensive. “Really? ‘Cause I literally just... found them.”

“Because your luck is stupid. Man, I have only ever even heard of like three Knights, and yours is one. There was a Turk sharpshooter who had one but it went missing when he did.”

“And the last one?” asked one of the couriers.

“There’s supposed to be a green mage on one of the Goblin Islands. Don’t know who it is but even Genesis won’t touch them. But you just found it on a scree. And the water-healing thing- you said you woke up on the way to Midgar and saw it in the bushes but it doesn’t even have a name.”

“Huh.”

“So yeah, it’ll piss Gen off so much. It’s gonna be great.”

“You’re nuts.”

“He’s not like the rumours – the Firaga Incident didn’t actually happen.”

Paige and the delivery guys looked dubious.

“Yeah, I haven’t met him but his men are stupid loyal. You don’t get that by being the crazy who lights your people on fire.”

“These materia probably wouldn’t cooperate with him though. He’s more dark red and these are definitely white and light. He’ll still be jealous as Hel.”

“Now you just have to keep Treasure Princess away.”

There was a pause.

“Treasure Princess, Fair?”

“... Shit. She will won’t she.”

Cloud started laughing quietly into his hand.

“You had ulterior motives, didn’t you?”

“No- I forgot about her until just now. She only really bothers you. But you’ve got to admit it’s funny.”

“I guess.”

“Oh stop pouting.”

“I am not p-”

“He totally is.”

“Traitor.”

“Well,” Andy stood and stretched, “thank you boys for the entertainment, but some of us need to get back to preparing for patrol.”

There was a sudden cursing from the phone: “Shit, us too.”

“Come on Paige. Happy birthday Fair.”

“And Cloud, gift wrapping champion. You guys deserve each other.” The other voices echoed.

“Thanks peanut gallery.” Cloud replied to fading sounds of their movements and switched the PHS back to his ear as his squad wandered back to wherever they had been. The couriers had vanished. He could hear the sound of candy wrappers shuffling as Zack gathered the treats from wherever he’d dumped them. “You too?”

“Yeah. They’re my team – there’s marlboro breeding grounds sprung up nearby.”

“Ew.”

“No kidding.”

“Still, good birthday?”

“It was alright. Quiet. One of the guys bought a cake – it was actually fantastic. But... I’d rather been home.”

“Hmm,” Cloud agreed, arranging his own things on his computer to move. The report could wait a bit. “Same. I think Adam is threatening to bake something, but.”

“Yeah.”

“Still, not a bad place to spend it.”

“And not bad company either.”

“No – the looks I got for that package though.”

Snerk. “It’s the baby-face,” Zack said. “They forgot you’re twenty and a little shit.”

“No, they know that,” Cloud replied, sliding past Sebastian and into the hall.

Sebastian looked up and grinned, “Yeah, it’s ‘oh god our next captain is the kind of guy who sends dildo shaped presents.’”

“Yeah. That.”

“But he also warks back at chocobos, calls anything vaguely canine a puppy, was probably responsible for the glitter ATVs, and is generally a massive nerd, so I don’t know why we’re surprised.”

Zack was laughing again.

Cloud groaned and kept going. “You both suck.”

“Heh. Anyway, I really gotta go now. I’ll try to call you again soon.”

“Alright, say hi to Aerith for me?”

“Will do! And I’ll find you those chocobo boxers!”

“Zackary Fair, Don’t You Fucking Da-” Cloud cut off at the dial tone: “And he’s gone. Jerk,” he murmured fondly and with a shake of his head made his way to his room.

Stuffing the socks in a drawer and the stone with his maintenance supplies, Cloud settled into his desk and flipped his computer back open. And paused. And closed it again.

He reached for the little case, and flicked through it’s contents. It was mid August, still summer most places but there cooling soon and much work blowing in on the wind. It could well be winter before he got another truly quiet hour.

“Try’n’a spoil me,” he murmured, and slotted one into his console instead.

The report could wait.

[sashayed]

oh BOY! well. look. i know a lot of people really loved it and that is great. we are all different beautiful snowflakes and there’s no such thing as a Good movie because every movie’s “quality” is dependent on the circumstances of its viewer etc. AND maybe it depends on how much the original meant to you: every time a familiar line was delivered differently I winced, even if the delivery was good, because i love 1991 BATB so much and watched it so many times as a kid that it makes it hard for me to be objective. So if you didn’t feel that way about the real version, you might not be so harsh.

but haha, i H A T E D it.

Let’s start with the things I DID like, because there are not many of them and it will be easier!

Luke Evans KILLED IT as Gaston. He’s having a great time, has a voice, and can really communicate the combo of comic grossness, physical menace and real charisma that makes the original Gaston so effective. If I could have enjoyed any of the musical numbers (more on this Later), it would probably have been his.

Ian McKellen is a colossal value add to literally anything he’s in and this is no exception. It’s probably the only case in which the creepy, expressionless design of the objects (MORE ON THIS LATER!) actually is a plus, because all that richness and expression coming out of a lil beady eyed shoebox is hilarious.

I mean, Audra McDonald. Audra McDonald. Although I might have to say her staggering talent is actually a blow to the movie as a whole, because every scene she’s in magnifies the mediocrity of everyone else. They even make her sing a duet with autotune Emma Watson (MORE....ON THIS.......LATER), which is TRULY embarrassing to watch. 

Did I mention what a relief it was to be attracted to Human Beast? A nice change from Damn U Glen Keane, What Are These Feelings U Made Me Have, I Was Only A Child Glen Keane.

haha. ahh

Whereas: I did not want ANYTHING sexually to do with CGI Beast, but how much I wanna F hockey hair Dan Stevens? Is a lot.

And I liked the new motivation for the enchantress -- having the prince be a spoiled party-boy Louis XIV asshole is a lot more satisfying than having him be an 11yo who doesn’t wanna let strangers into his house.

Gugu Mbatha-Raw’s face appears around the same time as Dan Stevens’, which was wonderful, but also terrible, because SHE WOULD HAVE MADE A GREAT BELLE, although i understand she may not want to be typecast. 

Okay. now. What did I hate about this movie? I would say what I hated about this movie was “all but about 7 minutes of it.” Like, I would almost need to see it again to hate it enough, because almost every single frame contained at least one thing that I hated. 

I don’t love the trend of remaking animated movies into live action ones, which is why I never saw Maleficent or Cinderella, and why I should not have seen this movie, hahaha. The adaptation inevitably loses a lot of what feels in animation like magic: the dreamlike quality/suspension of disbelief vanishes and everything has to be overexplained.

So the expressive, graceful objects I loved in the 1991 movie become these awful, clunky Uncanny Valley creeps who cannot make expressions and whom you would not WANT to see making expressions even if they COULD, because you dont want to look at their unsettling faces. Like, Mrs. Potts. Don’t you love Mrs. Potts? Don;t you love Emma Thompson? Two great tastes that taste great together? NO, THEY DON’T, BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

SURE? “We just like doodled a face on there, that’s good enough right? God please let me sleep.” Every design choice in this movie is clearly thought through extensively and yet somehow manages to give the impression of having been turned in 5 minutes before deadline by a frantic, exhausted student who just wants to go home. “Be Our Guest” was just awful to watch. Like, if you gave a 4-year-old some literal candlesticks and had them act out the number by waving them around, they would give those candlesticks 9000x more soul and interest than several million dollars worth of CGI could do. There’s no showmanship. It takes 900 years.*

*which reminds me: when you adapt animation to live-action, the rhythm has to change simply to adapt to physical realities. What can be achieved in animation in a single line of music is going to require more time to do with actual people or CGI figures who have to look like they could belong in the same space with actual people. That means every number has to have ten extra measures of filler instrumentals, destroying the momentum of the songs and making them seem interminable. UGH! Terrible.

Anyway, the design choices ALSO give everything the objects do a new layer of like VISCERAL BODY HORROR. For instance, Stanley Tucci (completely squandered) plays a harpsichord whose keys?? are his teeth????? and during the Final Battle he’s shooting his keys like bullets at the villagers and I leaned over to my buddy and was like IS HE SHOOTING HIS TEETH??? LOL, PEW PEW. But then in the big reveal it becomes clear that HE DID!!!!! HE DID SHOOT HIS TEETH. WHAT????? All the objects turning from people-objects to dead-objects is also an incredibly fucked up scene which, if I were a child, would haunt me.

Speaking of which, this movie introduces like 9000 themes that are physically or emotionally AWFUL, but it doesn’t actually want to deal with them, so they just get thrown at us for 2 seconds and leave us gaping in confusion and horror. 

Like: Gaston fought in The War. What War? The War. He had a great time in the War and now he has some kind of toxic PTSD where he can only be happy thinking about blood and “widows.” Why is this necessary? First of all, it’s fucked up. Why can’t he just be an asshole? He could just have been an asshole!! I spent 5 minutes trying to figure out what the fuck War this would even be, and then about whether “widows” was a veiled rape allusion, which obviously it wasn’t supposed to be, BUT YIKES!!!!

Or: The Beast’s mom died and then his horrible dad “shaped” him to be just like him. There is literally a 2 SECOND FLASHBACK of a child singing to his dying mother, and then it just whams back to the regular movie. WHAT THE FUCK? The Objects -- and the movie?? -- also now believe that they DESERVE to be cursed because they didn’t, like, intercede in this abusive relationship, which makes perfect sense, because if there’s one thing that always works it’s when the hired help interferes with royalty, I guess.

Or: Belle’s mom ALSO died, of The Plague, and the Beast has a magic book that takes her back to her babyhood garrett in Paris, so at first you think it’s like, oh, the book like....reconstructs her memories and allows her to share them with the Beast? It’s like a regressive therapy session but with magic? Sure. BUT NO!!!!! It turns out they ACTUALLY WENT TO PARIS PHYSICALLY and like, RETRIEVED OBJECTS FROM PARIS? ??? ???????? This never comes up again.

Also. Why would you cast people. Who cannot do. THE ONE THING they have to do??? FOR THE ENTIRE MOVIE???? Ewan McGregor is great, but he KNOWS he can’t do a French accent, so WHY IS HE CAST AS THE FRENCH ACCENT CHARACTER?? He sounds like your drunk cousin trying to do Steve Martin doing the Pink Panther. 

Or, more egregiously: Belle. Like, i truly don’t hate Emma Watson. I think she is young and VERY famous and making some mistakes but doing her best. But the child cannot act. She can’t. She can make two expressions and they’re very lovely. She has great eyebrows and when she squints with them you really Feel her Determination. But she cannot communicate, say, Pain, or Wonder, or Humor, or Joy, all of which she is......called upon to communicate. AND she cannot sing???? Fine. Bring in somebody who can!!!! Pull an Audrey Hepburn/Julie Andrews!!!! THIS IS REGULAR PRACTICE! WE DO THIS ALL THE TIME!!!! DON’T JUST AUTOTUNE HER TALKING AND THEN EXPECT HER TO HOLD UP NEXT TO AUDRA MCDONALD!!!!!!!!! IT’S EMBARRASSING. I WAS EMBARRASSED FOR THIS ENTIRE MOVIE. 

Anyway this is 90000 words long and BARELY SCRAPES THE SURFACE of how agonizing I found this movie to watch. BUT, as we were drinking and complaining about it afterwards, we got free tickets to the Caps game and I got to watch live hockey, which was 200x more emotionally involving and compelling than the movie, for the first time!!! So that’s good I guess. 

[c0rnelia-street]

Jan. 15, 2017

•Sydney drove us to Hollywood and we listened to One Direction the whole way. •When we parked, we started discussing all the construction and conspiracy theories related to the parks. I love having conversations like those. •We took the boat to Epcot and talked about DVC. DVC came up periodically throughout the day and at this point I'm pretty sure I sold Sydney. •The Festival of the Arts was going on at Epcot and as part of it there was a paint by numbers exhibit. The cool part is that the canvas we helped paint is a replica of a mural in Future World North, so it was kind of emotional. •Our cashier at Electric Umbrella was hella adorable. He was British and he was having an accent challenge with the guest in front of me (who was also British). She asked him to do an American accent and when he did it he mentioned that he didn't understand why we elected Trump as our president. Another guest was being rude and asking him to "hurry it along" to which he replied by rolling his eyes and saying "wouldn't want you to miss your fastpass". And he kept calling Sydney and I lovely and let get a kids meal even though I'm not 9, so he's a keeper. •The upstairs of Electric Umbrella was open, so we ate there. I hadn't been up there since I was like 12 and it made me very nostalgic. •We walked through multiple gift shops and just fangirled over mercy together. •We went to the pastry shop in France, which I'd never been to. I got a macaron and chocolate mousse that was to die for. •We saw this awesome painting of golden oak and it had hidden Disney objects in it (82 of them to be exact) so we spent time trying to find them all. •We also took a picture of a Kylo/Rey painting and use Snapchat stickers to put Angela's face over Rey. •We watched the Trials of the Temple show again. A cute little girl padawan literally laughed in Darth Vader's face and stuck her tongue out at Kylo Ren. It was magical. •Yoda's voice came over the loud speaker and the Jedi on stage made the most incredibly hilarious face. •STAR TOURS. •I beat Sydney on Toy Story Mania. •We went to get snacks before grabbing our spot for fireworks. I ordered a pretzel without cheese and the CM told me I had to get the cheese with it because there wasn't a key to ring it out otherwise. I was nice enough about it and said it was fine, but I was disappointed because I get it without cheese all the time. She could tell I was disappointed and gave me a free frozen lemonade. I love cast members. •A Galactic Spectacular is just so good.