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thenextdawn-temporarilyclosed · 1 year ago

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Never Grow Up

Word count: 3.0K

Summary: Taylor's still going on tour despite having a teen kid and reader just wants to spend quality time with her but Taylor's too busy. Reader thought that Taylor would reschedule the tour dates around daughter's birthday until she saw the tour dates being released online. Reader got mad and that was her final straw so the relationship is fractured.

Warnings: angst, single mom, mention of abortion, hurt/comfort

Pairing: Taylor Swift X Daughter!Reader

First time writing for Taylor! Hope you like it💜

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Being Taylor Swift’s Daughter had it’s own perks and flaws.

She had you in when she was 20, and your father has always been out of the picture. You never got to know him, never met him and never asked about him but as far as you knew, he wasn’t one of the famous Taylor’s exes, he was just a random guy your mother had fallen in love with. She never talked about him, not her, or her family and since the subject was apparently so delicate, not once did you ever dare ask. There weren’t any pictures in the house, not in photo albums… it seemed like everyone had tried deleting his existence.

However it’s not like you ever needed a father figure. Your family always made you feel loved, you had all the attentions you could ever ask for and you have always been happy, no matter where you were in the world. However the first years of your life weren’t easy for your mother. She was still very young herself, but at the same time she was supposed to be going on tours, concerts and make her fans happy, all while also having to take care of you. Thankfully, her mother was a big help in that too. She would help take care of you and watch you when Taylor was on concerts. She was busy, yes but she always, always made time for you, no matter where you were around the world, wether it be a couple days, and some times even a full week, depending on bow busy her schedule was.

Were you a fan of hers? Yes, of course you were. You have no reminiscence of when you were younger, buy ever since you turned 5 you had been going to every concert of hers. You would either stay in the backstage, or in the booth with your grandma, Andrea, with one of the best views in the stadium, and slowly people had started to acknowledge you too. Taylor had never publicly talked about you, buy everyone knew she had a daughter, and it was easy to know it was you, because you were identical, you were like Taylor’s mini-me, and also because of her song “Never Grow Up” which she wrote and published when you were just one year old. You knew every single one of her songs, you screamed each and every one of them while at times Andrea filmed you and posted it on her social, which is how Taylor’s fans found your social and start following you as well.

Going a bit back in time, when she took a break from music, you were just 7, you hoped to spend more and more time with her and you did, but to an extent. Her mental health wasn’t the best, and she was always busy writing/recording songs and getting ready for her next tours, so her time with you became less and less and less, to the point where you’d rarely get to spend time with her, however, you tried.

During Covid you finally got to spend so much time with her, after her Lover Tour was canceled. That’s when you decided to follow in on her footsteps. You were 11 and you already knew how to play the guitar, but you wanted to learn how to play the piano as well. One night you were supposed to be sleeping but you couldn’t, so you went where you knew your mom would be. She was in the soundproof room playing the piano and humming, trying to get ideas for a new song. You stood there at the door, waiting for your mom to acknowledge you. That happened pretty soon. She turned around and saw you standing there, in your pjs as you were holding your favorite teddy bear. Taylor smiled brightly at you and beckoned you to walk over to her.

“Hey little one, why aren’t you asleep yet?” She asked in a low, soothing voice. “I can’t sleep” you said in a tired voice, rubbing your eyes as Taylor made you sit in her lap sideways, so that you were laying your head on her shoulder and she could look at you. She kissed your nose and cheeks and forehead, before moving some wild hair away from your face. “How about I sing to you?” She said with a smile, you looked up at her with your big, wide, sweet (e/c) eyes expectantly and she didn’t even need a reply before she started playing “Never Grow Up” on piano. That song is originally meant for a guitar but here she was, playing it on piano and singing it, turning it into a lullaby only for you to hear.

You were asleep in a matter of seconds, and even though Taylor noticed, she still continued singing until the song was over and then she picked you up and put you into her own bed, staying snuggled up to her for the night, feeling as safe as ever in your mother’s arms. “I love you little one” she whispered.

That was the last time your mother sang something to you.

The last time she cuddled you.

The last time she told you she loved you.

A few weeks after she started planning her Eras Tour. She needed everything ready in such a short matter of time, setlist, choreographies, stage shape and instruments, transitions, lights and all the stuff regarding a regular concert. Not a day went by without her on the phone, or working on her laptop, or in studios either dancing or singing. It was moments like this where you wished you had a father figure. Not even the holidays you two spent together anymore. It was like she had completely forgotten about you, it was like you were just one random person in her house she had to cook for.

Two years later, On another identical night of your mother working, you decided to disturb her, just this once. “Hey mom” you said, walking over and sitting next to her on the couch. She was leaning forwards to the table where her laptop was placed. However, she didn’t reply to you. “Mom?” You asked again. You heard her sigh as she gave you an answer, not taking her eyes off the screen. “Yes, sweetie?” She asked, “Can we watch a movie tonight? Maybe we can order McDonalds and watch something?” You said as you leaned in closer to her, laying your head on her shoulder. “(Y/N) I can’t, I’m busy” she said and for a moment you were quiet as you looked towards the screen of her laptop, you could see she was scheduling the dates for the concert. You just hoped she would have a free day on your fourteenth birthday, like she promised.

“Oh come on, it’s just a movie, only for tonight. Please?” You pouted and wrapped your arms around her, hoping this might convince her. “I said in busy. Tour starts soon and I still need to figure out a few dates” she said and you groaned. “Please mom, we haven’t cuddled in a while-“ she interrupted you by removing your arms around herself. “I said no, (Y/N)!” She said, raising her voice which made you look at her with wide eyes, and kind of in shock. She never raised her voice at you until now. “God these days you’re so bothering, just go sleep!” You knew she didn’t mean it, but in this moment you couldn’t help but be hurt at her words. She couldn’t even be bothered to look at you when you got up and ran to your bedroom, locking yourself in as you cried into the pillow.

That was the last time you asked your mother to cuddle you.

From that day on, you barely talked to her. Not that you even needed to, either way. She was still always on the phone. The only differences where the fact that you’d go to your room immediately after lunch, and not stay and watch TV with her, and you’d go to Andrea’s place all day. She noticed you were sadder than usual. She noticed that you were more cuddly with her than usual. She also noticed you were quieter. When she asked if you were okay, you shrugged and said you were, And she also asked Taylor, who replied telling her that nothing was different, and most likely you were just acting up. It was weird to you, how your mother didn’t realize that she was neglecting you and your grandma had realized that just seeing you a couple days.

You ended up telling Andrea what was happening, and she tried to reassure you, saying that she was just nervous for the whole eras tour thing, and when it started things would become easier… but you weren’t sure of that.

A couple weeks later, what you feared became true. You were in your room when your mom made a post on instagram announcing the Eras Tour dates and you scanned through it, until you read it. “KC night 1 7/7/23”. Your birthday. She was having a concert on your birthday. You took your phone and rushed to the living room, where your mom was on the phone with her publicist, Tree. “Mom, seriously??” You asked her, not caring if she was on the phone or not. You heard her sigh “Tree, wait a second” she said and put the phone on mute, looking at me. “What is it?” She asked and you rolled your eyes. “You put a concert date on my birthday” you said and she sighed again. “Can we not do this now? This is important-“ you interrupted her again. “More important than your daughter?” You talked back.

Taylor was silent for a while, before excusing herself with Tree and ending the call, and you repeated what you said. “You put a concert date on my birthday” she nodded, looking confused “yeah, and?” You shook your head. “You had promised me you’d have the day free so you could spend it with me! It’s been a long time since we last had a day together, just you and me…” you looked down, but she didn’t seem to be bothered. “We’ll spend some time together after the concert like we already did.” She looked away from you, eyes back on her phone. “But that’s not what you promised!” You said and raised your voice, making her look at you. “(Y/N), right now, tour’s more important-“ you interrupted her, “then why did you have me?” She looked up back at you, looking more confused than ever.

“Huh?” She asked and only now did she notice that you had tears in your eyes. “Why did you have me if tours are more important than me?” At that, Taylor got up and walked over to you, eyes full of worry and remorse, maybe. “The fact that I’m now busy with tour doesn’t mean that I love you any less” she said and knelt down in front of you. “But you don’t show it! You don’t show that you love me…” You said and she furrowed her brows, even more confused. A couple tears leaving your eyes. “do you remember when was the last time we celebrated my birthday together?” You asked her and saw how she shook her head, thinking of a reply. “It was 6 years ago. I was 8, mom” you said “it was 2017, remember what period it was?” Once again, she didn’t reply, but you both knew what period it was. “When was the last time you told me you loved? I don’t remember it” you didn’t remember it, but Taylor did. You had fallen asleep in her lap and she had just stopped singing you “Never grow up.” She stood up and sighed, watching you cry but she didn’t feel like apologizing would be enough.

“If you knew you weren’t going to have time for me, you could have aborted me” your voice broke as you were saying this, and you rushed back into your bedroom, not knowing that in that precise moment, your mother was bawling her eyes out too. She wanted to spend more time with you, she really did, but at the same rime, she really didn’t have time.

The day of your birthday, you wouldn’t be seeing your mother until the concert. You woke up to no text from her, which made tears well up in your eyes but you quickly blinked them away and went on with your day. Andrea had gifted you a necklace with a dream catcher, which you really liked, but you would have needed no gift if only you could spend your day with your mother, but by now you had given up on that occasion.

The concert went by normally, like any other, and you had spent it in the booth with Andrea, smiling whenever people asked pictures of you as well and exchanging friendship bracelets with them, like grandma had showed you. Soon it was the moment of the surprise songs and you were expecting her to take her guitar, but she didn’t.

She sat at her piano, and started talking. “Well, welcome to the surprise songs” she started and everyone clapped their hands, screaming in joy and adoration. There was a reason behind every surprise song she chose for every night and you were curious as to what tonight’s reasons would be. “On normal occasions I would be playing this song on guitar, but this isn’t a normal occasion” she smiled at what she was about to say, and you furrowed your brows in confusion. Was she talking about your birthday? “As I’m pretty sure all of you know, I have a daughter, her name’s (Y/N)” everyone began cheering even more. Yes, she was talking about your birthday. “I have never talked publicly about her, but tonight’s her birthday, so I wanted to surprise her. She’s here tonight, and she’s in that booth over there with my mom” she pointed over to you with a smile, and everyone cheered again.

“It’s been a rough period for both of us. I’ve been very busy with tour, and she’s been wanting to spend more time with me and I feel like a very bad mother for not being able to give her what she wants, and apologizing doesn’t really work all the time, she’s stubborn as hell” the crowd laughed and you couldn’t help but smile at her words and you leaned into Andrea, who gave you a side hug. “Well anyway as I was saying, this is a very special occasion as it’s her birthday so I’ll play this song on piano instead of guitar, and I would like you all to look at the screen behind me as I play this song. Happy birthday little one, this is for you”

With that, Taylor started playing “Never Grow Up”, the song she wrote about you, for you.

Your little hand’s wrapped around my finger and it’s so quiet in the world tonight Your little eyelids flutter ‘cause your dreamin’ So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

A video started playing on the huge screen behind her. Photos and videos of you as a child with her, both so young and happy. Taylor was smiling brightly and you laughed whenever you were around her and her family, now you understood more the words:

To you everything’s funny you got nothing to regret, I’d give all I have honey if you could stay like that

Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up Don't you ever grow up Just stay this little Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up Don't you ever grow up It could stay this simple I won't let nobody hurt you Won't let no one break your heart And no one will desert you Just try to never grow up Never grow up

You started tearing up more with the chorus as you sang along, and behind her more videos of the both of you were being played. No matter where or how Taylor was in life, she always loved you, every day more than the other. A side screen showed her as she was playing this song in this very moment, tears leaving her eyes and more forming in them. As the song came to an end, she spoke again. “Happy birthday babygirl, mama loves you so so much” she said and sniffled, wiping her tears. The crowd was louder than ever, and like other times she stopped to take it all in.

“Can I go to her?” You asked Grandma and she nodded, explaining that she had anticipated this would happen and already had a bodyguard ready and waiting for you. He quickly took you backstage and showed you the way up to the stage, even if you knew it already.

The stage doors opened to reveal you, and everyone cheered even louder as you started running your way to the front of the stage, where your mom was. Taylor turned around to look at you, smiling brightly as she got up and made her way towards you, arms opened for you to get into a tight, warm embrace. When you were finally in her arms, you both cried a bit more as you placed your head on her chest, and her head was right on top of yours. When you pulled back she took her in-ear monitors off, cupped your cheeks, looked at you and said “I love you so so so much, please never forget that”

“I love you too mom” you said almost in between sobs. She kissed your forehead and pulled you into another, tight hug.

#taylor swift #taylor swift x you #taylor swift x reader #taylor swift x daughter #taylor stans #taylor swizzle #debut taylor’s version #taylor swift x daughter!reader

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dreaminginthedeepsouth · 3 months ago

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Song of the Day - “Willow Weep For Me” Today marks the 70th anniversary of the recording of this beauty of a standard by Billie Holiday- September 3rd, 1954. Billie was backed by Willie Smith on sax, Harry Edison on trumpet, Bobby Tucker on piano, Red Calendar on bass, Chico Hamilton on drums, and Barney Kessel on guitar. This was Billie’s last album on Clef Records before it would be absorbed into Verve Records. This album was released in 1956 in conjunction with Billie’s ghost-written memoir of the same title… This title would also become the title of the biographical movie about Billie, with Diana Ross, which was made in 1972. This song,“Willow Weep For Me”, both music and lyrics, was written in 1932 by Ann Ronell. Ronell was one of the very first accepted female songwriters in both Hollywood and Tin Pan Alley. She wrote movie scores as well as a Broadway musical. She worked for George Gershwin and dedicated this song to him, which oddly was off-putting to the publishers she pitched it to, for some reason. It was apparently frowned upon to do that. So, due to that, and also to the melody’s kinda complex construction, the song was rejected repeatedly before finally being accepted. It became a standard of the era, and was Ann Ronell’s greatest gift and moment. The song was covered by dozens of great artists - from Sinatra to Nina Simone to the Coasters to Chad and Jeremy, to Oscar Peterson to Sam Cooke, to Steve Miller to Dexter Gordon, to Vince Guaraldi, to Red Garland… But this version can have a good case made to be the best… The melancholy waltz is made for Billie’s voice. What a precious gift this one is.

[Mary Elaine LeBey]

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#Willow Weep For Me #billie holiday #songs #music #classic blues #jazz #singing #Mary Elaine LeBey #Ann Ronell #Youtube

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foxes-that-run · 6 months ago

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Sad Beautiful Tragic: "When you were on the train"

I started this at the end of a post about trains I will post shortly, but it is too detailed. So here from the back of my brain:

Taylor wrote Sad Beautiful Tragic on a tour bus and that the original Red was the demo that was first recorded:

youtube

On October 4 2011 she tweeted:

"Leaving Little Rock, headed to New Orleans. Writing a song on a moving bus."

She also said:

“Sad Beautiful Tragic” is really close to my heart. I remember it was after a show and I was on the bus thinking about this relationship that ended months and months before. The feeling wasn’t sadness and anger or those things anymore. It was wistful loss. And so I just got my guitar and I hit on the fact that I was thinking in terms of rhyming; I rhymed magic with tragic, changed a few things and ended it with what a sad beautiful tragic love affair. I wanted to tell the story in terms of a cloudy recollection of what went wrong. It’s kind of the murky gray, looking back on something you can’t change or get back.

On 2 May 2011 (5 months beforehand) Jake going to a single date of the Mumford and Sons Railroad Revival tour, the band (not Jake, he was there for the weekend) travelled on a train.

Which if that floats your boat, read no further.

This doesn't sit well with me because of All Too Well. ATW was a hard song for Taylor to write, it took months. (The "F the Patriarchy Keychain on the ground" to "What we had a beautiful magic love there" 2 month pipeline is not one I buy.)

She was editing ATW as late as March 2011, then Jake goes to a concert with a band that caught a train (not him) and she writes something as loving as Sad Beautiful Tragic, a song she still plays sparingly and kept the demo of because it was raw?

I wonder if the 'months and months later' is because this song is about a relationship that was not known, or specifically would not be known at that time.

So come to my rabbit hole, it's nice, we're all mad here

SBT was the first song that made me look more at 2011, because of this in the Cardigan BTS:

"Sad, beautiful, tragic. Like a photo album" These are the same words Taylor used talking about 'the guy' (singular) most of Red is about (unlike Jake who did not listen to the album)

Why Harry then?

In the 2011 timeline Harry and Taylor were in the same city a number of times that year and it is more plausible they met. Particularly in March Taylor played the mash up of Harry's audition song and Fearless in Paris on a date he was missing, they then both played the O2 in the same week. In July Hary was missing when Taylor had the Temper Trap Arm Lyrics he later tattoo's same song.

On 14 September One Direction go to the GQ Awards, where Harry saw and reportedly flirted with Emma Watson and Pixie Lott and in an interview after Louis says:

"Definitely without a question say Harry, like Harry, no matter how long is known her, or who she is he will go up to her, like if it's a celebrity, like at the GQ Awards, [Niall adds "Like Pixie Lott] he will go up and sing their song and dance. It's like 100% Harold Styles." Harry then changes the conversation to silly names, Louis brings up GQ again and Harry mouths "Stop going' on about it" (9:50).

On 28 September, 2011 the band are in New York to film Gotta Be You, which includes.... a train. And also the set on which Harry met EO, the girl he kissed in NZ in April 2012. Speaking of, after that Taylor wrote Babe with a member of the band Train, who Harry covered in his x-Factor audition.

On the day Taylor wrote Sad Beautiful Tragic, 4 October 2011, 1D was at a 'Bring 1D to me' even in Munich they are asked about celebrity dreamgirls Louis has a dig at Harry and points out a love bite on Harry's neck.

The show before Taylor was thought to write SBT her arm lyrics were "It’s easy saying nothing when there’s nothing to say” an apparent reference to the interviews where Harry was trying to hide something.

And so my theory of Sad Beautiful Tragic was there was a Haylor flirtation that didn't get very far, because, well boybander. But it inspired this song and they continued that flirtation.

#Youtube #sad beautiful tragic #haylor #red taylor’s version #Red #red taylor swift #song analysis #Lyric analysis

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l0veisyona · 1 year ago

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Nastyona - who are they, what happened?

thought i'd make a little post to share my love for them!

Nastyona is a Korean indie band from the 2000s who are now inactive. the group was started by lead singer/Keyboardist Yona(요나),guitarist Hojin(호진),bassist Dong-jun(동준), and drummer Yong-jin(용진) in Pusan, Korea in March, 2002. they released 3 albums.

the first album is "bye bye my sweet honey" which was first released in 2004! however, i believe its the least popular. the second album is "another secret" which released in 2008. i actually am a little confused about the third one to be honest :,) i cant find its name anywhere, or maybe im blind. i did find what i believe is its Korean name though! 아홉가지 기분, which roughly translates to "nine moods."

the band changed bassists from Dong-jun(동준) -> Tae-hyuk(태혁)! not sure exactly when, but they did. all the other members remained the same.

currently, you can find them on spotify, but they only have the second album on there :( theres a few fan uploaded songs tho!

the band stopped making music and performing around 2010 i'd say. nobody really knows what happened, but many believe they disbanded to go their own ways in the musical industry.

yona, lead singer and keyboardist, made a few solo songs though! you can find 3 of them on spotify. "undo", "redo", both on an account called "yona" and "dont die" which is on the nastyona account.

she also produced and wrote the soundtrack for a Korean short film called "padak"! the songs are really cool. i havent watched the film, but it is written to be horror, so be aware!

she also has an instagram account named "loveisyona" although she only posts her dog, plants, and flowers. theyre really sweet pictures.

Yim Tae Hyuck, the bassist, also apparently produces music now too! i cant find them all, but ive found at least one of his songs. they dont have the same feeling as nastyona songs though, so be aware of that!

currently, i cant find anything about hojin, though. i'm sure hes doing something but i cant find it, so let me know if you do!

thats basically all my information about them! you can find videos of their concerts and practices on youtube, too. its really nice!

if you like nastyona, you may like a korean band called MOT! they have very very very cool music. theyre basically unknown. they actually opened for nastyona at a concert before im pretty sure

follow me if you like nastyona..

#nastyona #music #k indie

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aropride · 26 days ago

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i have been deeply appreciating ur TGI posting and was wondering what ur fave songs off of it are !! - mare

HI MARE im free from academia for the day (FINALLY) so i can answer this yayayaayy

as of right now. and this is in album order And im about to list off like a good third of the album sorry in advance but: only girl living in la, dog years, letter to god 1974, letter to god 1983, darwinism, lonely is the muse, and life of the spider

first of all. only girl living in la is an INSANE way to start an album. Like i knew i was absolutely in for it seeing the track list and that we were Starting with a 6 minute long song i was like Oh she loves me specifically she knew id been tormented by songs that are 2 minutes long for too long. i dont think ive ever finished the first song on an album and been, like, scared to listen to the rest of it before (good thing)

dog years. i canteven say anything yet Like theres no words. probably one of my favorites out of my favorites

letter to god 1974 and letter to god 1983 are twins to me. (well triplets shoutout letter to god 1998 no disrespect to my girl its just the first two are my faves personally) Thank u halsey for addressing the "wanting to get really sick so people would pay attention to you" to "getting really sick and it turns out people kinda dont gaf if ur in ur 20s about it" pipeline

hometown- is anyone else trying so hard to escape their hometown or is it just me and halsey and gerard "i know im never getting out of belleville" way. also i love her voice on this one

darwinism- i was reading it as being about physical disability but apparently she said it was about neurodivergence either way is anybody else feeling ostracized from the rest of society or is it just me and halsey out here

lonely is the muse- INSANE FUCKING SONG vocally lyrically musically everything. when i found out there was gonna be a Whole Album and lonely is the muse was on it i realized i was going to die.and then i did. <3

life of the spider- i knew there was a tori amos song on the album and the one tori amos song im really familiar with is me and a gun so of course i was terrified .and i was right to be. love a song i cant listen to without having a panic attack one of my favorite genres. insanely haunting song i cant really listen to this one casually yet or possibly ever i have to like sit down and prepare. this morning i saw a spider in my bathroom and started crying. tomorrow more of the same. "favorite" not in the way where i listen to it a lot favorite in the way where i can barely listen to it at all

also one more thing i feel like in general the album is organized very well does that make sense. like the songs are in a specific order that is good and makes sense. only girl living in la -> ego -> dog years -> letter to god 1974 is an insane run of songs generally let alone first on the album but also it like. makes sense why theyre in that order. also darwinism -> lonely is the muse -> arsonist -> life of the spider i can say the same of. like yeah thats the exact order those songs should go in. this is really not a Shuffling Album to me at ALL theres a specific order they all go in and i really like that Bc half the time These Days it feels like everythings so focused on having 2 minute long songs with 15 second clips that blow up on tiktok that its always nice to have an album thats like. Ok thankgod they actually give a fuck about this and its not optimized for social media analytics

thank u for reading My essay ^___^<3 u sent this 5 hours ago when i was working on my school stuff and i waslike oh thank god i get to talk about music later. A little treat for meeee to rewind and such.And then immediately i wrote A lot of sentences but, like, for fun this time so it counts as Rewinding

#ask #violexides #tgi #LMK UR FAV SONGS ALSO.... looks ar u with my big wide autistic eyes

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thesunsethour · 7 months ago

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welcome back to part 3 of eve procrastinating her final exams by ranking her favourite songs by her favourite artists. today it is The Beatles' turn

(as always i must stress this is my opinion only. but i am also very nosey, so please tell me *your* opinions too)

(i'm ignoring songs in different languages, naked versions, and also any cover songs, so focusing exclusively on anything penned by lennon-mccartney or harrison or starr)

(this took me a week and a half. for context my killers' list took two days and hozier took four hours)

without further ado:

189. Wild Honey Pie (spoiler alert: i'm not a white album fanatic)

188. Dig It (vibey but odd little song)

187. Maggie Mae (didn't know for years this was a liverpool folk song)

186. Only A Northern Song (not weird enough to justify itself)

185. Revolution 9 (it achieves john's goal. still hate it though)

184. All Together Now (worse precursor to the frog chorus)

183. It’s All Too Much (i would like to apologise to yellow submarine)

182. Flying (criminal that this is so far down actually. i only have myself to blame)

181. I’ll Get You (bit samey)

180. Savoy Truffle (i wrote down 'harrison's own muzak')

179. Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except for Me and My Monkey (wtf john)

178. Thank You Girl (harmonica has been utilised better)

177. Every Little Thing (pretty okay)

176. You Like Me Too Much (george still in songwriting training)

175. I Want To Tell You (the beginning of george's 'i don't know' refrain in his songs. keep an ear out)

174. The Inner Light (SO very george)

173. Her Majesty (i'm irish so this had to be this low)

172. You Can’t Do That (great john vocals here tbh)

171. Honey Pie (you can so clearly hear the music hall inspiration. very paul)

170. When I Get Home (bit samey but catchy enough)

169. There’s a Place (better harmonica)

168. I Need You (lovely harmonies)

167. Not a Second Time (i always forget this song exists sorry to john lennon)

166. It’s Only Love (i always think this ones on rubber soul)

165. I’ll Cry Instead (conversely this is very beatles for sale coded i think!)

164. Little Child (i am a sucker for the harmonica it has to be said)

163. You Know My Name (Look Up The Number) (really campy ad-libs. a fan)

162. I’m a Loser (john's voice is so deep in this one??)

161. I Don’t Want to Spoil the Party (little foot tapper of a song)

160. Piggies (george had been reading orwell! good for him)

159. Don’t Pass Me By (ringo! hello!)

158. I’ll Be Back (solid enough)

157. Doctor Robert (one of the earliest examples of 'we will sing a song about a little random man')

156. If I Needed Someone (solid george effort)

155. Why Don’t We Do It In The Road (apparently about two monkeys fucking. okay paul)

154. Baby’s in Black (clever little lyrics)

153. It Won’t Be Long (adore the coming home line)

152. All I’ve Got to Do (sweet enough little thing)

151. Hold Me Tight (classic paul asking for love. a staple of the genre)

150. What Goes On (hiiiii Ringo!)

149. Yer Blues (my notes say 'proto-morrissey-esque, but worse)

148. Good Night (reminds me of a musical song. also originally thought this was a paul song)

147. She’s a Woman (really dynamic paul vocals)

146. What You’re Doing (solid paul job)

145. No Reply (i cannot think of this song without hearing the bloopers of YOUR FACE)

144. Happiness Is A Warm Gun (i may get killed for having this so low. reminder that this is only my opinion)

143. Don’t Bother Me (i *think* this is the first album song that george ever wrote!)

142. P.S. I Love You (he loves his epistolary songs does Paul)

141. I’m Just Happy to Dance With You (another solid foot tapper)

140. Any Time At All (love the piano in this)

139. I’m So Tired (same)

138. Birthday (i hate the beginning of this song with a visceral passion. rest is grand)

137. The Night Before (very '50s)

136. Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (Reprise) (the only bad thing about this song is that it means the album is over)

135. Another Girl (bitchy little paul song)

134. Tell Me What You See (song gets better as it goes on i think)

133. The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill (hello yoko)

132. Long, Long, Long (reminds me of my sweet lord)

131. Ask Me Why (real jazzy like)

130. Rocky Raccoon (i'm not mad on this song but the middle is so catchy it reels me in)

129. Old Brown Shoe (ringo reference check!)

128. Revolution 1 (not as good as revolution the single)

127. Cry Baby Cry (love paul's little jaunty section)

126. Yes It Is (sexy)

125. Dig A Pony ("everything has got to be just like you want it toohoohoohoohoohooo"

124. The Word (reminds me of grease)

123. Hey Bulldog (some bits of music here remind me of 'Across the Universe')

122. I’m Looking Through You (GREAT guitar)

121. Sexy Sadie (can't remember which journalist said that AM's 4 out of 5 has this vibe and YEAH)

120. I Me Mine (i will always adore the "flowing more freely than wine" lyric. thank you george"

119. Things We Said Today (paul's so good in this one)

118. Tell Me Why (catchy bop)

117. Run For Your Life ("that's the end" SO good)

116. Good Day Sunshine (nicely jaunty)

115. Rain (love the instrumentation in this one)

114. I Will (quintessential mccartney this)

113. Love You To (making this list and hearing george's improvement as a songwriter was amazing actually)

112. Octopus’s Garden (bless ringo)

111. I Feel Fine (SO catchy)

110. With A Little Help From My Friends (ringo's very best)

109. Martha My Dear (i'm scared of dogs but i'll let this one go)

108. Drive My Car (the beeps beeps always annoyed me as a kid)

107. For You Blue (it is what it says - sweet and lovely)

106. Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (love the laughter in it)

105. Good Morning Good Morning (the guitar here is simply too cool for this song. elevates it greatly)

104. You’re Going To Lose That Girl (beach boys vibes?)

103. She Said She Said (john and george buddies and pals)

102. Wait (john and paul's voices go SO well together do you ever get emotional)

101. Think For Yourself (ANOTHER great foot tapper)

100. I’m Down (well *somebody* thinks they're elvis)

99. Misery (just. great structurally)

98. I Should Have Known Better ("this could only happen to me" oh, john)

97. Can’t Buy Me Love (one of the more Lennonesque mccartney songs)

96. One After 909 (how did paul not know what this was about for over a decade)

95. I’ve Just Seen a Face (absolutely gorgeous guitar)

94. This Boy (thaaaasss boyyyy)

93. You Won’t See Me (fab little chorus)

92. Maxwell’s Silver Hammer (BANG BANG MAXWELL'S SILVER HAMMER CAME DOWN UPON HER HEAD 🔨 🔨🔨)

91. Dear Prudence ("the clouds will be a daisy chain" is a line i've always adored)

90. Yellow Submarine (i remember being 6 and our teacher playing this for us on her guitar)

89. Mean Mr Mustard (love when john does a bit of narrative songwriting)

88. Revolution (superior revolution version)

87. Now and Then (cried on the tram on the way to college listening to this when it came out. as you were)

86. Polythene Pam (love when their accent peaks through)

85. Baby, You’re A Rich Man (a true lennon-mccartney collab with john not finishing something and paul adding his two cents, or rather, ten or twenty cents)

84. Hello, Goodbye (i love the end of this song so so much)

83. Mother Nature’s Son (soft and sweet, poignant but not sappy, one of the most underrated beatles songs of all time)

82. Free As A Bird (cried listening to this too)

81. Glass Onion (intertextual metanarrative: the song)

80. Taxman (baby's first political song <3)

79. I Wanna Be Your Man (hiiiiii again ringo)

78. From Me To You (harmonica time again baby!)

77. Being For The Benefit of Mr Kite! (i think of this as a spooky halloween waltz)

76. Within You Without You (quintessential george)

75. I’m Only Sleeping (underrated on revolver methinks)

74. Your Mother Should Know (these songs WERE a hit before my mother was born)

73. All My Loving (pure vintage mccartney)

72. Do You want to Know a Secret (baby george and his fab vocals)

71. Here Comes The Sun (okay nobody kill me. stop looking at me like that. its been winter for seventeen months george i can't fucking see the sun)

70. Julia (so beautiful)

69. Love Me Do (how were they pop song professionals already?)

68. I Saw Her Standing There (paul loves a good scream in the middle of a song)

67. A Hard Day’s Night (most iconic beginning of any song ever)

66. Magical Mystery Tour (he loves a bus does paul)

65. And Your Bird Can Sing (john's vocals are GREAT here)

64. Sun King (the superior sun song on abbey road)

63. Please Please Me (just. iconic)

62. Eight Days a Week (for how good it is i can't believe paul didn't play it live till like 2013 or smth)

61. Real Love (i never knew this was a beatles song when i was a kid!)

60. The End ("the love you take is equal to the love you make"... yeah...)

59. Back in the USSR ("my-my-my-my-" very billy joel actually)

58. Ticket to Ride (mouth-watering guitar)

57. For No One (the wario of 'And Your Bird Can Sing' no i won't explain further)

56. All You Need Is Love (the she loves you yeah yeah yeahs at the end...)

55. Blue Jay Way (so wonderfully eerie to me)

54. She Loves You (love the long and powerful held note on the last "glad")

53. I Want To Hold Your Hand (they were children my god)

52. Across the Universe (some of my favourite vocals)

51. Carry That Weight (paul going through it, writing bangers)

50. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (desmond and molly jones are close friends of mine at this stage)

49. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds (overrated a bit imo but still simply iconic)

48. Penny Lane (sorry paul, john won the MMT round w strawberry fields but its okay this song still is a bop)

47. Tomorrow Never Knows (fucking well done on this one lads. love it)

46. Getting Better ("a little better all the time" v "it can't get no worse" is just. peak lennon mccartney)

45. Got To Get You Into My Life (INSTANT banger)

44. Michelle (i am a sucker for french as long as its not spoken by french people <3)

43. Lovely Rita (i always loved this one because paul says "book" like how my nanny says it)

42. Helter Skelter (loud, fast, and brilliant)

41. Get Back (billy preston the man that you were)

40. She Came In Through The Bathroom Window (best of the abbey road medley)

39. I’ve Got a Feeling (i LOVE paul's deep voice)

38. When I’m Sixty Four (i love paul's granny music. sue me)

37. Come Together (john was so good at writing these nonsense songs)

36. The Fool on The Hill (adore the "ohHhHhHhHhHhh")

35. Fixing a Hole ("when i'm wrong, i'm right" is so very paul)

34. Girl (BRILLIANT middle)

33. Help! (vulnerable without overdoing it. just fantastic)

32. Day Tripper (unashamedly sexy)

31. And I Love Her (i love basically everything about this song. ranking got so hard from here)

30. You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away (john was ON IT for Help!)

29. Nowhere Man (my brother thinks this will be the name of john's biopic)

28. Lady Madonna (my favourite genre of paul songs are songs where he voyeuristically imagines someone's life. they always slap)

27. Paperback Writer (i also write at shitty newspapers and want to be a paperback writer. this song feels too targeted)

26. In My Life (so pretty. SO pretty)

25. The Ballad of John and Yoko (imagine the vibes in the recording studio. john. yoko. paul. and yet they made this banger)

24. Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown) (my first ever favourite beatles song. has since been demoted but i still adore it)

23. I am the Walrus (john at his weirdest best)

22. She’s Leaving Home (i love when they write narratively)

21. If I Fell (angelic harmonies)

20. Don’t Let Me Down (fifth beatle billy preston supremacy)

19. Because ("love is all, love is you"

18. I Want You (She’s So Heavy) (vocals, instruments, lyrics, vibes, all incredible)

17. Two Of Us (and if i said this was the best album opener?)

16. Here, There, and Everywhere (paul says this is his favourite beatles song and you know what? he's so right for that)

15. Oh! Darling (wario of the long and winding road. no i will not elaborate either)

14. You Never Give Me Your Money ("OUT OF COLLEGE MONEY SPENT SEE NO FUTURE PAY NOT RENT" that is... me right this actual moment)

13. Something (george said is anyone else gonna write one of the best love songs of all time? no okay i guess i will. and he did.)

12. Golden Slumbers (cried to this as well. must stress i am not one to cry)

11. Eleanor Rigby (the pinnacle of the MVS - McCartney Voyeuristic Storytelling)

10. A Day in The Life (orchestra used to scare me when i was younger)

9. While My Guitar Gently Weeps (george's best beatles song hands down)

8. I’ll Follow the Sun (THE MOST UNDERRATED BEATLES SONG and i will die on this hill

7. Yesterday (my father's favourite beatles song)

6. The Long and Winding Road (my go to song to sing in the shower for some reason?)

5. We Can Work It Out (pure lennon-mccartney baby!)

4. Let It Be (the first and only song i ever learnt on ukulele and i was so proud of it)

3. Strawberry Fields Forever (do i even have to say anything?)

2. Blackbird (everything about this song is so beautifully perfect. paul mccartney is the best songwriter of all time okay. i've spent days upon days at this list and it's now making me emotional)

1. Hey Jude (there's a reason it tops so many best songs of all time lists. a perfect 10. no notes. iconic. the first beatles song i played on repeat. would die slash kill to experience this live)

#the beatles #i can’t believe now that i have this out of the way i actually have to like. study for my exams. gross #as if anyone force me into doing this #i just wanted a project for my reawakened obsession and also i love lists #please!! tell me what your favourites are!! but be nice 🔪#dunno who to rank next

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sissytobitch10seconds · 9 months ago

Text

Birdsong: Hard Sell

Fandom: Grishaverse: Shadow and Bone, Six of Crows, and The Grisha Trilogy Summary: Every other time in her life, when she got everything she thought she wanted, the rug had been pulled out from beneath her feet. What was stopping this from being any different? Warnings: Depression, self-destructive behaviors, mentions of grooming, fatphobia, body dysmorphia, and anxiety Word Count: 11,988 Ship(s): Nina Zenik/Matthias Helvar/Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa/Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck

Archive link!

A/N: We've reached the last fic in this series! I may return to it one day but I don't have any plans to do so. I really like the way that it turned out here with the focus on Nina from each of the partners and then herself. I hope that you guys have enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it, it means a lot to me as the first SaB fic that I wrote. Thank you all so much for reading! Stay sissy and bitchy everyone <3

Birdsong:

Hard Sell

A Grishaverse Fanfiction

A Nina Zenik/Matthias Helvar/Kaz Brekker/Wylan Van Eck/Jesper Fahey/Inej Ghafa Fanfiction

By Sissytobitch10seconds

Tour was both everything that she had ever hoped it was and the hardest thing that she had ever done.

Nina had dreamed about being a big enough artist to go out and do tours since she had decided that she wanted to be a performer. When the manager of Shadow and Bone brought it up, agreeing to do it was a no-brainer for her. Alina was the only one that had gone on tour before, with Nikolai doing a mini set back when he was performing as Sturmhond, and she had been a bit more wary of the whole thing. It had been a decision that they had decided coincided perfectly with the official release of their first album, so they took it. They were doing a single show in every city that they went to with a couple of days resting in some of the bigger places. Nina knew that the open days were going to get filled with shows as time went on and there was proof for the demand of them, she was well aware of how that worked.

Shadow and Bone was growing vastly in popularity the longer that they continued to produce music. Even in just the year that she had been together with her partners, which was six months after the band had reformed, they had already exploded in the number of streams that their songs had on Spotify. They were finally in a place where they were getting enough money from the Shadow and Bone merch and album purchases that they could support themselves. Alina was the one that needed that the most, since Kirigan had taken most of the money that she had made under the stage name The Sun Summoner. Zoya came after her when it came to being supported by the band, since the money that she got from being a touring drummer was only so good. Nikolai had never been hurting for money with how wealthy his family was. Nina was still getting quite a bit of money from her Heartrender music, too.

They were apparently also getting a lot more popular because of the imploding that The Fold was doing. More and more artists were following in Alina and Nina’s footsteps as they revealed the shady and shitty business practices that they had. The public opinion of the recording studio was plummeting, which meant that more people were reaching out to Shadow and Bone since one of their singers had been the face of the company for a while.

While they were on tour, a couple of the days that had been free on their schedule were instead taken up with interviews. Alina was the one that was focused on during them, but Nina and Zoya were also asked a couple of questions about everything that they had gone through. Nina released what she was comfortable with and kept quiet about what she wasn’t. That had gotten her quite a lot of flak from unhappy studios that hadn’t gotten the massive scoop that they were hoping for. The fans on the internet backed her up, as did her partners and bandmates, but it was beginning to wear her down.

She had always struggled with feeling like she was doing the right thing and being signed under Kirigan had only worsened that. During the harder days, the words that her mother had said would intermingle with his until she felt like a shell of herself.

“You’ll never be ladylike if you do that. You need to be more graceful. Cut down on your portions so that your future husband will actually want you. No wonder your father didn’t fight that hard in the custody battle if this is how you’re going to act.” Her mother.

“Just trust me, why are you so difficult? Calm down and actually listen for once. You’re just not as talented, it’s something you’re going to have to accept. Maybe if you were prettier then you would be selling better.” Kirigan.

She knew that Alina had it worse. She had been raised in the same kind of strict environment as Nina, which is where they had met. She had the worst of the abuse since she had also been in a romantic relationship with the horrible narcissist stealing their money from them as young teenagers. The words still ate Nina from the inside out, turning all-consuming and threatening to never leave.

She was aware that they would eventually leave, they always did. Regardless of what life threw at her, she was always there to take the next step forward and keep living. She wasn’t going to let something like her own depression and anxiety keep her from living the dreams that she had before they set in. She knew that she was going to struggle on the tour since things in the band were still a little rocky and the manager was going to be pushing them as hard as he could to get as much money as they could out of it.

They played sold-out show after sold-out show. They met with countless fans and spent hours talking to them when they tried to get food. They had even had to take off late one morning because someone had found their tour bus and wanted to get a picture.

Despite the constant go-go-go nature of the tour lifestyle that she now found herself in, there were still good moments. She woke up every morning to a picture of her partners, Inej sending her own separate one, letting them know that they missed her. She got near constant updates about what they were doing, like their group chat had become their polycule’s own specific social media. She knew that the certain set of vibrations in her pocket would mean that her partners were checking in with her, which always filled her up with so much love she felt as though she might burst.

Nina also lived for being able to play the music live. She could only imagine how intense it would be if she had brought some of her more scream-adjacent songs from her Heartrender discography instead of the more chill music that Shadow and Bone produced. She lived for the sound of the fans cheering back at her and the bass reverberating through the stage as it traveled through the speakers. Her favorite part was when everyone heard their favorite song and began to cheer even louder than they had been before.

Their biggest show was in the capitol, which was also where they had been doing a bunch of interviews with famous celebrities for late night talk shows. It was exhausting and so rewarding to finally step onto the tour bus so they could be taken to the next place that they needed to be.

Currently, she had performed her last show and was sitting in the hotel room that reminded her that she was a hop, skip, and jump away from her home with her partners. That idea had been thrilling up to a point, until she realized that she was going to be getting home at just the wrong time. Inej wouldn’t be back until the next day from her own set of shows. Matthias and Jesper would be doing their own respective jobs at the theater, with the former moving around sets and fixing broken props while the latter acted the main roll. Wylan had just had to travel out of the state so that he could attend a conference with other scientists as his study was coming to a close. Kaz would be opening the bar and it was one of the more important nights where he couldn't just step out unless there was an emergency.

Arguably, it was probably better for her to have a night alone in her apartment before she swamped herself with even more interaction. It would give her tired body a chance to actually rest and recuperate like she desperately needed, but she didn’t want it. She only ever really felt safe and warm when she was wrapped up in the arms of one of her partners. Even if Kaz was still feeling cuddled out like he had mentioned in the group chat that morning, being next to him or even in the same room as him made her soul feel like it was finally at rest.

Guilt sprang up in her stomach at the thought. She was the one that had decided that she was going to go on the tour and now she was complaining that even more people couldn’t warp their lives around her own wants in her schedule.

She missed them so aggressively that her brain couldn’t help but mention how much they didn’t. Logically, she knew that those things had to be wrong. They had enough partners with each other that if they really didn’t want her then they would have told her before they got to the point in their relationship that they had. Then again, her mind chimed in helpfully to remind her, they had another girlfriend in the chat that they were likely corresponding with over her.

Nina had been so worn down because of the travel that she hadn’t been able to reply consistently to them. She had instead had to give them a barrage of things and reactions to what they had done when she finally got a break for the night. Even then, she usually fell asleep on her bunk on the bus before they got the chance to reply back to her.

She had been the absolute worst for the last month that she had been touring. She knew that they deserved better than her, and she could see what the better example of her was. Genya had always been a complicated person to get to know but she was quite literally everything that Nina wasn’t.

She had been signed with Kirigan before Nina and Alina had the chance. She was quiet, demure, and beautiful beyond all belief. She found time to call her finance every night before she turned in to bed and each morning when she woke up. She was careful of how much she ate and every action that she made while she moved. Nikolai had always been somewhat ambivalent towards her, but Zoya and Alina were thick as thieves with her. It was difficult for Nina to watch, but she forced herself to do so anyway.

Sitting on the floor of her hotel room by herself, in the dark, her mind really came to life. It began to take apart every single text that she had received that was less than glowing, every single comment and message that she had gotten from fans and interviewers alike, and every action of her bandmates. Her mind rifled through the memories of the past month to remind her of all the bad things that had happened, every action that meant she was unwanted or causing problems in some way.

She had been trying to sleep for the duration of the night and gave up somewhere around three in the morning. She would be able to sleep a little bit on the bus as it brought them back to where they had started. The motion always lulled her into a fugue state anyway, which would work in tandem with her depressive episode.

Nina slipped off of the bed and then dressed in one of Matthias’ shirts that had gotten mixed in with the things in her bag when she was packing. She was wearing the ring that Jesper had given her for their six month anniversary on a chain around her neck, right next to the locket that Inej had gifted her containing a picture of all their partners together. She had a sweatshirt from Wylan that she draped over her shoulders to keep her back warm while she worked. Kaz was the only person that she didn’t have something of, which had been eating at her during their month of separation as well.

She set her phone down on the desk in front of her and then turned on the desk light. It illuminated her in soft yellow light, but wasn’t bright enough that it might shine through the window and let other people know that she was awake. She had become a bit paranoid about some of their fans finding out where she was and coming to her hotel room, likely because of some of the stories Genya had been telling during their trip.

The mirror in front of the desk stared back at her as soon as she turned on the light. Her hair was a little messy, the curls shoved back into the ponytail that she had managed to find at the bottom of her toiletries bag after her post-show shower. A couple of them had already escaped and were falling down into her eyes and across her cheeks. She could see every tiny imperfection of her skin, including the blackhead that had formed next to her nose and the line of zits on her hairline. The discoloration of the freckles on the bridge of her nose was upsetting when it wasn’t being hidden by the makeup that was packed away in her suitcase. She had dark bags under her eyes from her struggles to sleep on the bus consistently.

Still, she had to do something or she was going to lose her mind from stress and the voices in the back of her mind. She plugged in her phone and then got it propped up so that it was filming her entire upper half. She grabbed her guitar and situated it in her lap before she flicked to Instagram and went live. Most of her fans lived in the same country as her since her music hadn’t quite gone international even when she had been making a few covers of traditionally Slavic songs to honor her mother. She wasn’t expecting her fans to be up or willing to jump on a live with her at that time. She also usually announced that she was going to go live an hour before she did, which was also going to decrease the number pretty significantly.

She leaned back in the desk chair, looking up at the ceiling of the hotel. She could already see the number beginning to climb until it hovered around a hundred. She gave her usually, dorky little wave to her phone as she said, “Hey everyone! I know that I haven’t been as active as usual, but tour ended up being a lot busier than I thought it was going to be. I hope you’re all having a wonderful night.”

A small smile crossed her face as she saw the messages already streaming in. Most of them were saying hi back to her, or reassuring her that it was okay that she hadn’t been as active. One asked her which city she was in now, which was a question that she could actually answer. She liked being able to interact with her fans on a much smaller scale than usual, it felt almost like returning to when she and Alina were dumb sixteen-year-olds making music on their bedroom floors.

“Where’s Alina? She’s in the other room sleeping right now, probably,” Nina forced herself to laugh. It was getting really old to be pushed to the side for her friend, especially when she was the one that put the most effort into the songwriting and sung most of their album. “What did you guys think of the album? Should I play you something from that or would you prefer something new?”

She was plucking at the strings of her guitar as she carefully turned the pegs back and forth. She was worried that after having to tune her instrument to so many different songs that the strings were finally going to snap, which would result in her being instrument-less until Jesper could take her to the store to buy some more. She winced as she remembered her partner, her mind reminding her time and time again that he had been happier without her. She brought a raincloud with her that ruined and soured the lives that she touched.

She looked down at the chat and forced another smile as she saw that they were all cheering for something new. “I’ve been working on this song for a while, actually, so I’m kind of excited to share it with you all. Zoya has been helping me with it and it sounds much better with her, but you’ll have to settle for now.”

Nina took a deep breath as she found her fingering on the guitar neck and began to sing, “I'm trying to make something of myself. My better days, I go buy the hard sell. But I feel like I'm working with barbed wire and moth wings 'cause I can't really get a hold of many things. I'm one deep breath away from a breakdown. My nerves are wrecked and coming unwound. The world is hostile and I'm fragile and I need someone to kiss the cuts and tell me to keep trying. Is it me? Is it really just me? Does everybody have it together or are we all pretending? Is it me? Is it really just me? Holding it together with one loose string that I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop pulling. I rip myself apart at the seams. I find one weak spot and start unraveling, hoping I can find a better me. A fresh new start buried under me. Is it me? Is it really just me? Does everybody have it together or are we all pretending? Is it me? Is it really just me? Holding it together with one loose string that I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop pulling. Can we stop pretending now? Can we stop pretending now? Can we all admit that we don't have it figured out? Can we stop pretending now? Can we stop pretending now? Can we all admit that we don't have it figured out? Is it me? Is it really just me? Does everybody have it together or are we all pretending? Is it me? Is it really just me? Holding it together with one loose string that I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop pulling, I can't stop pulling, I can't stop pulling.”

At some point during the song, she had started crying. She barely even noticed the hot tears streaking down her face and onto her chin as she sang until she was pulled out of it. Her eyes had been clamped shut as she remembered each lyric that followed the one coming from her mouth. Her heart ached in her chest and her throat felt raw when she had finally stopped.

Her stomach dropped dramatically when she realized that she had started crying. She sniffled and wiped the tears away as quickly as she could. Nina forced another smile onto her face like she had been doing the entire day as she said, “Sorry for that, you guys. I didn’t mean to get all sentimental on you. I’ve had a really long couple of weeks, believe it or not.”

The chat had calmed down slightly but she was still getting a flood of little heart emojis. As soon as the apology had left her lips, people began to rave about her song and a couple even commented that they wished they had been there to hear the whole thing. “I think that I can chat for a while longer, but I don’t think that I should play any more music. I don’t want to wake up Nikolai, you would not believe how grumpy he is until he gets his coffee,” Nina said. She placed her head on her hand and tried not to look at the face that was reflected back at her. She usually felt so confident in her own body, but she had gotten so many comments about it from the stage crews that had helped the band and the interviewers that it was in the forefront of her mind.

She answered a few more questions until her phone started to get really hot from charging while she was live-streaming. She waved goodbye to all of her fans and then ended it so that she could collapse back into her bed.

The smell of Wylan and Matthias wrapped around her in a way that should have just been comforting, but instead made her heart ache even more than it had before. She felt like a pit was opening up inside of her and the only thing that she could get out of it were the horrible things that her mother and Kirigan had said to her. It was sucking all of the energy, the love, the joy that she should have been feeling out of her and replacing it with self-hatred and pain.

She stripped off the jacket and the shirt, placing them tenderly and carefully down onto the bed. She put on the shirt that she was going to be wearing during transit that day and then carefully folded the two garments. She removed the chain with the ring and the locket, even though it felt like she was losing a hand as she did so. She placed it carefully down in the center of the shirt and then layered the hoodie over the top of it. She carefully placed them both down in the suitcase lid and zipped it closed so that it would be safe when it was being moved around but also inaccessible to her.

Nina went to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror, watching the imperfections of her face crease and move as she tilted her head this way and that. She poked and prodded at the places of her body she didn’t like, the fat rolls on her back and the plumpness of her stomach.

Voices in the back of her mind reminded her of everything she wasn’t. Alina was able to eat anything she wanted and maintained the stick-figure thin outline. Genya took time out of her day instead of focusing on something silly so that she could actually take care of her skin. Zoya had curly hair that she could actually contain and a youthful face. Nikolai never had to worry about what he looked like because he was never subjected to the harsh beauty standards that she, as a woman, had to endure every day since she became a teenager.

By the time that the voices had taken over her mind, she was crying again. Her face was tilted down towards the sink as she tried to stifle the sobs. They threatened to break through the air around her, to make her pain more real. She shouldn’t have been having that pain at all, she reminded herself. This is exactly what she had done when she was signed under Kirigan and it had made her life in the music industry so much harder until she had Alina by her side. The guilt over the resentment her friend coming out and being believed instead of her was going to consume Nina. It was already trying.

She forced down the emotion and decided that she was going to effect as few lives as possible. She pulled out her makeup and covered up all of the imperfections that she hated. A simple smokey eye with catwing eyeliner, like she had done for every day when she was on tour during the time that she wasn’t performing. Her favorite color of strawberry lipstick went on her lips, plumpening them enough that she was more appealing and less pouty.

Nina then shoved everything into her toiletries kit and put that in her suitcase as well. Her bag was packed other than her book, laptop, phone, and its charger.

Remembering the device that lay on the hotel desk reminded her of the next step in her plan. She sat back down in the chair that she had been in before and opened up the texting app. It had brought her so much light and life to see each text as it rolled in while she was being whisked from place to place, but she wasn’t sure the same could be said for her partners. On the off chance that they did love her and they weren’t doing it out of some kind of strange obligation, she knew how much it had to be tearing them up to have her away from them. She had seen how much Matthias and Jesper both pouted when Inej was gone. Having two girlfriends without either of them being in reach had to be torture, she knew that it was for her. So she was going to end that pain for them.

It would hurt for a while to do it this way, but they would have each other to use to recover and then they would be fine. She wouldn’t drag them down and she wouldn’t ruin their lives like she had every other partner, friend, and parent that she had ever known.

She opened up the app and voiced the message as she wrote it, “Hey, sorry for the late text. I just wanted to let you all know that this last year has been the absolute best in my life and I adore you all very much. But I think that it’s time we finally admit that you’d all be happier without me. You’ve done nothing to persuade me of this, you’ve all been absolutely wonderful and the problem could never be with you. It’s just with me, the problem is always with me. I hope that you can help each other through any pain that might come from this break up. Know that I did and do truly love you, I’m doing this to help you live better lives.”

She left the chat and then abandoned her phone on the table. She tilted her head up and blinked furiously to try and keep the tears from running down her face again. She had enough time to redo her makeup if she did cry again, but it felt like giving into the part of herself that she was furiously trying to keep behind lock and key.

Nina marched to her bed and grabbed her laptop. She sat with the duvet discarded off to the side, only using the top sheet to keep herself warm since the other blanket reminded her too much of her now ex-girlfriend. She plugged in her headphones and pulled up her favorite comfort show so that she could forget all of the pain that was plaguing her life until she had to get up in the morning.

---

She went through breakfast without eating anything despite the waffle maker almost screaming her name. Nothing could be louder than the voice of Kirigan right behind her eyes, reminding her that if her body was more desirable then she wouldn’t struggle so much to get the same amount of fame as Alina. Being around her bandmates and manager felt like torture but she stuck through it, smiling pleasantly when Genya said good morning to her despite her wanting to scream and sob.

They were finally back on the bus and she had an excuse to be relatively alone. She was sitting in one of the little booths, the one that had the table where a few of them had taken to eating at, and stared out the window. Her headphones were on and plugged into the phone that she had turned off, playing nothing into her head but being a relatively effective deterrent. She had to prove to herself and the glimmering hope in her breast that her bandmates were fine without her. She couldn’t leave them because it would be more of a hassle to replace her than to put up with her curse, but they didn’t need her as a friend.

She was doing fine, ignoring her feelings and passing the time with her own thoughts and song lyrics, until Nikolai slid into the seat across from her. He grabbed her phone and unplugged her headphones from the jack to get her to pay attention to him, which was actually one of his favorite things to do when he felt he wasn’t getting enough stimulus from the others.

“What?” she asked, immediately regretting it when she realized how snappish the words had been when they came out of her mouth.

“What did you do?” he asked.

“Why do you always assume that I’ve done something?” she asked, snatching her phone back.

He was staring down at the device like it was going to blow up in his hand since it hadn’t immediately turned on when he took it from her like it always did. She removed her headphones so that they were around her neck and then plugged the jack back in while waiting for him to finally explain himself. Nikolai shook his head to rid the thoughts he had been focused on, much like a dog. “Tolya said that Jesper has been freaking out since early this morning. I assume that since he was one of your boys, you had something to do with it.”

Her heart ached in her chest, spreading pain throughout the rest of her body. The skin on her arms and over her chest felt like it was peeling away from her in the desperation for her soul to be pressed back into her body. She felt unlike herself, moments away from screaming or crying. She couldn’t figure out which one was right but she knew that the emotions brewing in her gut had to go somewhere.

Nina shoved it down immediately. She was going to remove herself from everyone’s lives, that had been her plan. She couldn’t allow herself to explode and to hurt others when they had been nothing but tolerant of her. Her hurt was for her to deal with alone, as she always had.

“I didn’t have anything to do with it,” she lied through gritted teeth. “I’m guessing that Inej came back early or something.”

“I don’t think so,” Nikolai shook his head. “From what Tolya was complaining about nothing that Jesper was doing was particularly… exciting.”

“All you said was that he was freaking out,” Nina replied, a little bit annoyed at the whole situation. She didn’t want him prying into the very tender wound that was her recent breakup.

Every time she thought about the fact that she was never going to see those people again, she felt as though she was going to die on the spot. Her mind kept informing her that she would never have Matthias’ arms around her or hear Wylan practicing the piano while he composed something new, or listen to Kaz argue with Jesper over something unimportant, or smell Inej’s body wash when they were hiding in her loft bed, or dance in the living room with Jesper after everyone else had gone to bed ever again. It felt raw and painful in a way that none of her other breakups had felt. There was no relief at having to fake the love any longer, to pretend that she was comfortable going on expensive dates or getting pricey gifts. She only felt the pain that came with knowing that a part of her life that she had really enjoyed was over.

“Nina, what’s the matter?” Nikolai asked. He folded his hands in front of him and leaned forward so that he was a bit closer than before. He was acting like that was going to make it easier for them to hide what they were talking about, to give them some modicum of privacy when they hadn’t had that since they had stepped onto the godforsaken bus.

“Nothing is the matter,” she said, which even she could tell sounded like a lie. There was a waver in her throat and her makeup had already been destroyed around her waterline. The fact that she had tucked herself away in the booth instead of lounging out over the couch while chatting with Alina and Zoya was a big show of that.

He reached across the table and took her hand in his, holding it like he had when they had first decided to make the band. Everything was making her lust after a time that she could no longer ever have, one that had passed her by and compounded new trauma in the forefront of her mind. “We’ve been friends for years, that excuse really isn’t going to work on me,” he assured her. “You can just tell me what’s wrong. I’m not going to judge you and I want to be here for you.”

She carefully took her hand back from him and then began to fiddle with the edge of her phone case. It was one that Wylan had ordered for her after she kept complaining about how terrifying it was to think about all the cracks she could get while performing with it even just in her pocket. It was a construction grade case that was still sleek and had now been decorated with a sticker from her own favorite band. “I don’t really want to talk about it right now.”

Nikolai sat back in his chair, looking over her with those critical eyes that made her feel bare. She didn’t like people examining her that closely, especially when she already felt as self-conscious as she did. “How about I give you another hour on the bus and then we’ll talk again, okay?”

“Okay,” she finally relented. She had enough wear in her soul already from not being able to sleep the night before and all the crying that she couldn’t keep fighting him. Her only hope at the moment was that he would forget before the time came and she’d be able to avoid it regardless.

He dislodged himself from the booth and walked over to another part of the bus so that he could join in the conversation that Zoya and Alina were having. Nina grabbed her phone and headphones, balling them both up in her hand so that they were constricting around her neck any longer, and then removed herself from the booth as well. She walked back to the bunk that she had been using and collapsed into it. She dropped her headphones and phone next to her, useless since the device was turned off and the headphone trick hadn’t even worked.

She turned her head away from the curtain that was only half drawn to cover herself as she pretended to nap and looked over everything. She had taped several polaroids of herself and her partners to the walls to keep herself happy when she was missing her partners. She missed them even more than she had when she was traveling, now knowing that she had resigned herself to not be able to see them when she got back. She was so dreadfully alone and it was all her own doing, even if it had been for the protection of the people that she loved.

---

An hour of driving passed by before someone came to rouse her from the nap she had dozed off into. She had still been aware of where she was in her bunk and what was happening around it, so all it took was their hand on her ankle for her to startle awake “Is everything okay?” she asked nervously as she pulled back the curtain so that the other was revealed.

“I came to ask you the same question,” Alina replied. “Do you wanna cuddle and talk about it?”

That was something that they had done often when they were teenagers in high school. They would go to one of their houses, usually Alina’s because her foster mother was almost always at work, and cuddle underneath the blankets. They would hold each other while the other blubbered about boys, girls, breakups, heartache, and all the other shitty things that came with learning how to be a human in the world. It was cathartic and something that had brought them together even more than their shared Catholic school trauma had.

“I don’t know,” she shook her head, which brought her attention to the fact that even more of her untamable curls had escaped the confines of her ponytail.

Alina pouted a little bit. “I think that it would maybe make you feel better.”

“What do you know about it?” she asked, her mouth flickering down into a frown. The idea that Nikolai had brought her problems to the attention of all the others in the band made the guilt inside of her stomach grow even wider. She felt like she was drowning in her emotions, being pulled into the ocean of sadness and pain by a riptide that she had no hope of escaping.

“Nikolai mentioned that Tolya wouldn’t shut up about Jesper not being able to shut up,” she explained. “And I noticed that you didn’t come out when we stopped for lunch.”

“I’m not hungry,” Nina lied. She had been starving and they were getting fast food at her favorite place. The sensitivity around how much she ate was still there in full-force, overwhelming and gnawing at her body.

“You didn’t eat anything at breakfast either,” Alina noted. Her brows furrowed together as she poked her best friend further into the bunk. She climbed in so that they were laying side by side, tilted so that their fronts were facing each other so that they could both fit in the tiny space. “Nina, what’s going on?”

She closed her eyes as she tried to keep the emotions locked where they belonged, deep inside of her heart in the place that only her ex-partners had ever been able to reach. She took a deep breath as she answered, “It’s not a big deal, I’m just having a bad day.”

Nina could almost hear Alina’s frown as she said, “I think that’s actually a monumental big deal.”

“And why is that?”

“Because you’re my best friend and you were there for all of my bad days. You’ve also been going through it recently,” she replied immediately. Alina reached down and grasped Nina’s hand, so hard that the other woman could feel the scar along in her palm. “You were there for me when I finally ended things with Kirigan and through the whole process of trying to reach out to Mal again. The least I can do is support you when you’re having a bad brain day.”

Nina whimpered as she snuggled closer to Alina. Her arms wrapped around the other girl’s hips and her face was lost in the space of her collarbone, hiding away from the world. Alina responded by completing the hug, weaving her arms behind Nina’s back. It didn’t feel as good as when Matthias and Inej did it, or the rare moments that she got to cuddle Jesper for longer than five minutes, but it was better than nothing. It soothed the touch starved ache burning under her skin by micrometers.

She waited for a while, threading her fingers through her childhood friend’s hair for a while before asked again, “What’s going on?”

“I broke up with them, Alina,” she finally admitted. Saying it out loud made the entire thing feel more real. That was why she had verbalized the text as she was sending it, to try and cement it in her head that what she was doing was the right thing in the long run. Finally admitting that she had broken it off with the healthiest relationship she had ever had in her entire life made everything come crashing down around her. “I’m so fucking selfish. All I can think about is how much I hate my face and my body and being second to you even though we make the music together and I just… they deserve so much better than me.”

“What?” Alina asked, pulling back. She sat up so fast and so suddenly that she hit her head on the top of the bunk and immediately winced, being forced back down while cradling the back of her skull. “Come on, we’re going to go talk with the others about this,” she insisted.

They both slipped out of the bunk so that they were standing. Nina was crying so hard that her makeup was already streaking off, she could feel the heat of her tears beginning to seep down to her skin. She wasn’t able to stop the sobs as they bubbled out of that black abyss in her gut, forcing their way through her throat.

Alina grabbed her hand and nearly dragged her to the main living area where everyone else was sitting. She stopped on the way to grab a packet of makeup wipes and a box of tissues. She dumped them both down on the coffee table in front of the couch in the living room area of the tour bus before she pushed Nina down onto the seat beside Nikolai and Zoya. Both of their aforementioned band partners balked when they saw the state that the woman was in.

“You were right, Zoya, she’s not okay,” Alina sighed as she sat down in front of Nina. She held the other woman’s hand again, rubbing her thumb over her knuckles. Another massive wave of grief washed over Nina as she wished that it was Wylan doing that instead.

“We can see that, Alina. And I’m always right,” Zoya said, her chin jutting out with a strike of confidence.

Nikolai waved his hand in between the two of them to get them to shut up before they could start another one of their tedious arguments. “None of that now, we need to focus on Nina.”

“No you don’t,” she sniffled mournfully.

“Of course we do, we’re your friends and we love you,” Zoya informed her, the touch of annoyance that almost always clung to her words somehow gone. She reached over onto the table and handed Nina one of the makeup wipes so that she could get rid of the streaks that were left over after her crying.

She was still sobbing, unable to stop the emotions from bursting forth out of her after what she had admitted to her friend. She still took the offered item and then used it to wipe down her face. When she finished, Alina took it from her and placed the box of tissues directly down into the center of Nina’s lap.

Alina took a deep breath as she finally announced, “Nina is having a bad brain day. She hasn’t eaten anything all day and she broke up with her partners.”

Next to her, Nikolai wrapped an arm around the back of her shoulders to bring her into a hug and winced. “That would explain why Jesper is freaking out.”

“You didn’t think that bit of information was important to bring up to the rest of us?” Zoya asked. She dislodged herself from the couch and walked over to the kitchenette part of the bus. She got out a bottle of water and one of the leftover peanut butter cracker packs that they had. The snacks were rather bare bones at that point in their trip since they were all headed back home. They had just enough that no one would have to get hangry while waiting to pull into town so that they could get something.

She returned back to the table and handed them both to Nina with a no-nonsense expression painted over her strict features. “Thank you,” she mumbled as she took them both. She opened the water first and sipped on it while she tried to quiet her tears on her own. She swallowed and they were gone, the emotion still hovering just behind her eyes and sitting in a lump in the middle of her chest but not visible to the outside.

“It’s fucking horrifying that you know how to do that,” Nikolai shook his head, his nose wrinkling with his distaste.

“Catholic school,” Nina and Alina echoed at the same time. That caused a small giggle from the former, which made the latter smile reassuringly.

Zoya kicked the edge of the couch as she sat down to get them both to turn towards her. “Can I ask why you thought that it was a good idea to break up with the rest of your polycule? Things were good with them and you were having a good time.”

“It just…” she shook her head. “I really don’t want to talk about this.”

She peaked through the curls now hanging down into her eyes as the other shared a look with each other before they turned properly back to their friend. Alina was the one that restarted the conversation, “Fine. Self destructive break up talk can happen later. Do you think you can talk about some of the other things that you mentioned?”

Nina fidgeted. She tipped her head back and finished half of the water bottle in one go. Zoya nodded at her approvingly and then nudged the crackers with her hand to try and coax her into eating them. Despite not being particularly hungry, her stomach clenching into a knot as she thought about all of the comments that had been made about her, she opened the package and popped one into her mouth.

After she had swallowed it, she said, “I just… the comments that some of the fans were making got to me. The interviewers weren’t much better.”

“It was really fucking frustrating to have to watch them fawn over Alina when you’re the one that got screwed over by the company even harder,” Nikolai nodded reassuringly. “Trust me, Zoya and I were about a second away from pulling you out of the chair and refusing to let them talk to you during that last one.”

“That guy was an ass,” Alina nodded her head in agreement so emphatically that Nina was worried she was going to break her own neck in the process. She then carefully said, “I know that we can’t really do anything to undo the damage that he did to you when it comes to your body, but I promise that you’re beautiful.”

“I can think of something,” Genya said, startling them all. They hadn’t realized that she had walked out of the master bedroom space at the back of the bus. “You know that the only reason he kept me around was because he thought I was beautiful, which is why I was fired pretty quickly after the accident,” she gestured to the patch over her eye where the scars around were just peaking past the fabric.

Nina nodded, guilt gnawing at her insides. She knew that Genya suffered from the same self-conscious and poor body image issues that she did, so it made her envy of the other woman feel all the more intrusive and wrong.

The redhead walked over to the table, sitting down beside Alina. “You are beautiful. Just because you don’t fit the modern day aesthetic of skinny women that somehow have huge boobs doesn’t mean that you’re not. Imagine how many young people out in the audience saw you all dolled up and pretty on the stage and saw themselves. You may not have confidence in your own body, but to them you are the walking embodiment of their own beauty and confidence.”

That did make her feel a little bit better. The reassurance that she was getting from her friends was exactly what she needed. The conversation veered back to the less than favorable things that the interviewers had done when they had the whole band or even the two main singers. Nina finished her water and crackers, cleaning her face of the tears with the tissues in her lap. She ended up falling asleep with her head on Nikolai’s shoulder for the rest of the trip.

---

She felt like walking death as she hauled all of her belongings up the stairs to her apartment. The elevator was still broken, as it had been when she had left a month before. Her phone hung heavy in her pocket, turned all the way off so that she couldn’t get any texts or social media messages that would make her bad day even worse. It was good when it came to her sensitivity around her body and place in the band but bad whenever her mind flitted towards her ex-partners.

She had been wondering if they were trying to reach out to her about everything that had happened or if they had all simply deleted their conversations with her and unfollowed her on social media to be well and truly done with her. Her mind kept creating fake scenarios of them reaching out to her, asking what was wrong, and reassuring her that their lives were richer with her in them.

She couldn’t imagine that was true. They would fight valiantly to try and figure out what the actual reason she had broken up with them was, which is why she had turned her phone off for the duration of the day.

Nina was beginning to doubt her decision to tell Zoya that she would be fine getting back to her apartment on her own. She kind of wished that she had taken her friend up on the offer of them staying together for a while until the post-breakup blues and depressive spiral was over. She couldn’t rely on other people to help her with everything, especially after what they had done to help her on the bus. So she had politely declined and made her own way back to her home.

She stopped in front of her door, opening it with the keys clutched in her hand. She deposited them next to her phone and wallet in the little bowl on top of the bookshelf beside her door. She slid her suitcase through into her little walkway and then closed the door before she dumped her backpack next to it. She was so tired from the tour overall, but it was only aggravated by her not being able to sleep the night before and the emotional turmoil that she had been suffering with the whole day. The nap that she had taken on the bus had only helped a little.

“Food and unpacking,” she mumbled to herself as she grabbed her bag and officially turned around. A gasp ripped itself from her lips as she saw that there was another figure in her home, sitting in the light of the quickly setting sun. It had been close to eight at night when the bus had finally pulled back into the town and it took another hour for them to get everything loaded off of it and into their own vehicles.

The man that was sitting in her chair was a very familiar face, one that her heart had been yearning after the entire day. His hair was mused like he had been running his hands through it all day, the scar on his lip aggravated and red from chewing on it. His clothes consisted of a pair of slim fitting satiny pants and a disheveled looking white button down. His hands were bare on top of the cane that he was clutching like it was going to run away from him.

“Kaz?” she asked, her brows furrowing together with confusion. “What are you-”

She was barely able to get anything else out before another pair of lips were suddenly on top of her own. Her back hit the door that she had just closed, sending her backpack and suitcase tumbling over. Nina heard the clatter of the cane join the cacophony of noise as he brought both of his hands to her hips to keep her in place. She didn’t push him off or tell him that she didn’t want it because then she would be lying to him, and she couldn’t do that again. Instead she began to cry as she kissed him back. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders and threaded through his already destroyed hair, holding his body to her own like he would suddenly disappear.

“What… what was that?” she asked when he finally broke away from her to let her breathe.

“What the fuck did you think that you were doing?” Kaz seethed, pain and anger mixing in eyes in a way that made her stomach flip and her heart flutter.

She didn’t know what the proper response to that would have been, especially since her own question hadn’t yet been answered. So she just tried a weak, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I can almost guarantee that you do,” Kaz replied, fire and bitterness seeping into every word that he spoke. He took a step back from her so that she could finally free herself from the wall, but he didn’t remove his eyes from her for a moment. It was like he thought that if he looked away, she would vanish back into the nothingness that she had been before.

Nina shook that thought from her head the second that it crossed into her mind. There was no way that someone could love her that much. “Is this about the text?” she asked, nervously running her fingers along the seam of her pants.

“No, it’s about the fact that Jesper didn’t show up for dinner today, of course it’s about the text!” he shouted. “How did you think that kind of thing was okay to spring on us when none of us were around to talk you out of it?”

She brought her arms around herself so that she was holding in all of the emotion that was threatening to burst forth from her. “I thought that it would be the best way to do it. I know that breaking up over text isn’t something that’s really praised when it comes to judging whether or not an ex has been fair to you but I knew that I couldn’t do it face-to-face.”

Kaz limped past her so that he was sitting on her couch. Silence hung between them for a moment, and she took in her surroundings so that she could look anywhere but at her very upset boyfriend. Her home had pale cream colored walls with a white ceiling, a single black ceiling light hanging from the center. She had a red velvet couch in between two black metal tables, both of which were overflowing with notebooks, lamps, and plants. The entertainment center that held her small collection of DVDs and television matched the coffee table, which had been unintentional but fit the room perfectly. She had a thick black rug underneath it all that she and Wylan had spent almost an hour laying on the first time that they had spent time alone post-relationship. The living room led directly into the kitchen, which was separated from the space with a counter and cabinets.

“Why do you think that was?” Kaz asked when he finally got the energy to speak up again. She could see him charging up the attack like a canon preparing to fire before the words fell from his scarred lips.

“What?” she asked, shifting back and forth to rid herself of the nervous energy building up in her limbs. She had spent too long exerting herself to her limit every night and then cramped in a bus every day to just stand still in front of him.

“Why do you think that it would have been almost impossible to ask us to break up with you if you had been in front of us?” he asked.

She tilted her head down towards the floor and tried her best not to start crying again. “I said it in the message. I love you all so, so much. It would have torn me apart to see your faces when you realized that this isn’t going to work out for you.”

“You don’t get to decide that for us, Nina!” Kaz shouted, springing from the couch. He winced, obviously having bent his bad knee too quickly, and collapsed back onto the furniture. “We’re the ones that get to make the decision about who is in our life and our relationship. We’re all consenting adults that are within a few years of each other, there’s no power imbalance. There’s no coercion or pressure, consent is explicit in everything that we do and no judgment gets passed when someone has to opt out of an activity. We would have let you know if we didn’t want to date you. You don’t get to fucking decide that for us!”

“You don’t understand!” she screamed, throwing her arms out in a wide gesture to accentuate her point. “I’m fucking cursed! Every time that my life has been this could something has come out of goddamn left field to try and ruin all of it. I could already see it happening when I was on tour and I wanted to save you all from it. You have each other to support you through the initial pain of the breakup, but you’ll be fine once that’s all over. Don’t you see why I can’t be around you? I’m going to hurt you like I did this time and one day it’ll be so big that you’ll start to resent me like everyone always does.”

Kaz slowly pushed himself up from the couch and limped over to her. He placed his ungloved hands on either side of her face and then brought his lips forward so that he was kissing her forehead. She had started crying again, all of the water that Zoya had forced her to drink on the bus now streaming down her face in well-traced rivulets.

She collapsed into him, letting out a wail that shook her entire body. Her face was buried into his neck and her arms were still wrapping around herself to try and get a small amount of extra comfort that way. He was holding her like she was going to disappear, just the way she liked it. It made her feel grounded and stable.

Nina cried and cried until there were no more tears left. She was hiccuping slightly as she pulled back and used the end of her sleeves to mop up the tears still on her face. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

He was about to say something when his phone went off in his pocket. Unable to contain her own curiosity, she asked, “Who’s that?”

“Backup,” Kaz replied shortly. He was still upset with her but had already mostly forgiven her.

“What, were you going to trap me until I came back to the relationship?” she asked, trying to tease him like she always did before she had done that catastrophically stupid thing.

“Nina,” he warned, looking towards her. He had pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned it on so that he could see who it was that had texted him, but he immediately shoved it back into the pocket of his pants. Kaz’s dark eyes were shining with a kind of fear that he had only see after he woke up from his infrequent nightmares. That struck something deep inside of her and she immediately decided that she was never going to do something like that ever again, not for as long as she lived.

He stepped forward and placed his hands on either side of her face again. “I-I can’t fucking live without you. Any of you. I’ve lost so many people. I can’t lose you too. You hear me? I don’t care if you have some sort of fucking curse, I’ll handle whatever it throws at us. But I cannot lose you,” he spoke with such sincerity that it almost restarted her tears.

Instead, she flung herself around him so that he was buried into the edge of her body. She kissed his neck and then whispered, like it was a secret for just the two of them despite them still being alone in the apartment, “I’m sorry. I promise that I won’t do it again. Never ever.”

“Good,” Kaz replied. He cleared his throat and turned his face away from her so that she couldn’t see the tears glistening on his dark lashes, though she was able to catch a glimpse regardless. He slumped back onto the couch while sticking his bad leg out in front of him so that he didn’t further irritate the nerve sheaths that had been damaged. “I want you to go and put on the locket and ring that you always wear. If you have any clothing from our boys then you’re to put that on as well. They’re going to be coming over as soon as Matthias and Jesper’s show is over.”

“Don’t they have a cast party tonight?” she asked, already moving to do as he had asked. She felt rubbed raw with all of the emotion that she had just had to endure again, after sitting with the turmoil while trapped with her own mind on a bus for hours. She wanted to see the rest of her partners as soon as she could, to apologize to them as she had done to Kaz, but she wasn’t sure how much more crying she could honestly handle.

“Making sure that their girlfriend doesn’t break up with them trumps a cast party that they can attend after every show that they perform in,” Kaz replied, giving her a look that told her she should have been able to guess that.

Nina made herself busy to hide the burning on her freckled cheeks. She opened up her suitcase and got out the items she had so carefully put away early that morning. She secured the necklace right where it belonged, hanging over her collarbone. She then shed her travel shirt and put on Matthias’ shirt and Wylan’s hoodie. The rest of the clothing in the suitcase was thrown haphazardly into the washer so that it could be doing something productive. Kaz let her out of his sight long enough for her to also put away her makeup and the suitcase itself. When she came back, she handed Kaz back his cane and sat down on the ground in front of him.

“I really am sorry, you know,” she whispered.

“I could tell from the crying. I never want to see you that upset again,” he informed her as though he was scolding her. She knew how to see through the Kaz-speak well enough to tell that he was actually telling her how much he hated seeing her when she was in pain.

“Were…” she trailed off, burying her face in the soft velvet of the couch. She put her cheek on it instead, looking up at him while resisting the urge to put her head in his lap. “Were the others also upset?”

“Of course they were, Nina,” he replied. His voice was soft instead of gravely and biting like it normally was when they were having their verbal sparring sessions. She felt special to finally be the one that was receiving his tenderness, usually she was on the outside while watching it be given to Inej and Jesper. He continued, which she had not been expecting, “Jesper immediately started trying to find a way that he could track the bus and find a way to drive out to meet you to prove how much he loved you. Inej got a flight back a day early so that she could be here as soon as she possibly could. Wylan is currently driving back from his conference, he told them that he had a family emergency.”

“But he didn’t!” Nina gasped. Wylan took his job very seriously so the idea that he had lied to his associates about what he was doing absolutely flummoxed her.

“Darling, he did,” Kaz reminded her softly. “One of the only two women in his life that he has ever loved outside of a familiar sense threatened to leave him and break his heart. He had to come back to you.”

She sniffled again, but refused to let herself start crying. Kaz scooted over on the couch so that her head was actually pillowed on his thighs. She relaxed as his bare fingers began to card through her dark chocolate curls, an ever-present reminder of how loved she was. Kaz finally concluded, “I’ve never seen Matthias more broken or upset. He was absolutely devastated that he hadn’t proved to you just how adored you were by both him and us. I felt the same way. I had someone else open the Crow Club tonight just to wait for you.”

“I feel really bad for making you all do that. I thought that this would be the easiest way to protect you, to do it when none of you could come after me,” Nina mumbled as she hid her face away in his lap.

Kaz let the silent hang between them for a moment as he continued to weave his fingers through her curls. “I know. You were technically very clever with how you did it. You let your depression trick you into thinking that you didn’t deserve us or that we wouldn’t want you, and then you decided on a plan that would allow us to supposedly be ‘free’ of you with the least amount of chance of us getting to you to convince you to change your mind. What you didn’t account for was how much we loved you and how desperate we are to keep you near us.”

“Did any of you consider that I actually wanted to breakup?” Nina asked, curiosity getting the better of her. The words slipped through her mouth before she even had a chance to think about why that kind of thing might be hurtful to ask.

“No,” he replied immediately. “You made it very clear in the text that you sent that this was a self-destructive behavior and not something that you actually wanted to be happening. If you had sent any other message then there may have been some doubt in my mind, though.”

“You can read me so well,” she murmured. She grabbed his hand with her own and began to toy with the ends of his fingers.

They both sat in silence for a while until there was a knock on her door. Kaz got up, motioning for her to stay on the couch while he limped towards it. He grabbed his cane from where he had left it on the ground and then answered.

Almost as soon as the door opened, two other members of her polycule had piled in. Kaz had stepped to the side to allow them to, though Nina noticed for a moment that he didn’t actually close to the door or move away from it. Her attention was pulled away from him and to her other boyfriends, Matthias and Jesper immediately crowding her vision.

“Min elskede, vær venlig aldrig at skræmme mig sådan igen. Jeg elsker dig mere end hele verden og kan ikke fatte at skulle være uden dig,” Matthias was speaking so quickly that she was only able to catch a couple of the words that he was saying. Nina had always been naturally gifted when it came to languages, so she had been studying the native tongues of some of her partners so that she could speak with them in a language personal to them specifically. She hadn’t gotten far enough in her Danish lessons to be able to tell what he was saying then.

Her mind was racing to try and figure out what he had said so that she could have some tiny hope at translating it when Jesper dragged her out of it. “Did Kaz talk to you?”

“Yeah,” she whispered with a little nod. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t! Don’t fucking apologize to me,” Jesper shook his head. He knelt down on the ground in front of her and took her hand with his own. Matthias had already fallen to his knees in front of Nina like he was worshiping at an alter. In any other situation she would have found it incredibly erotic, but all she could think about was how guilty she was for causing them pain and how much she absolutely adored them with her entire heart.

He took a shaky breath in through his nose as he wrapped both of his calloused hands around hers. He brought it up to his mouth and pressed a kiss to her palm before he cupped his own cheek with her hand. “I love you, Nina. I truly do. I know that I’m not the best at speaking your love language and sometimes I fuck up and I hurt people, but I love you. Please never make me live without you because you think that I don’t want you.”

“I won’t, never ever again,” she shook her head. She took her hand away from Matthias just long enough to cup his other cheek. She kissed the top of Jesper’s forehead, his coiled black hair tickling the edge of her nose. She then pressed her lips to his for a longer time than was absolutely necessary.

She turned to her other boyfriend then and gave him a watery smile. She was determined not to cry no matter how many feelings she had brewing inside of her, deciding that she had reached her limit for tears. “You’re going to have to repeat what you said if you want me to be able to translate it, baby.”

“I love you,” he said, his English rough and heavily accented with emotion. “Jepser said everything else I had wanted to say. Please do not leave us.”

“I’m not going to, I promise,” she whispered. She kissed him as well.

By the time that she had finished soothing the worries that were brewing inside of her two boys, the door shut. She looked up and around Matthias to see Inej and Wylan standing there. They both looked harried and worn out from the traveling and change of plans that they had to do that day, both also carrying bags from their trips. “I’m sorry,” was the only thing that she could get out of her throat.

“I know,” Inej replied. She stalked over to the other woman, Matthias and Jesper moving away from her so that she had the space she needed. “There was a reason that I sent Kaz to talk you down. Draga mea, you are not cursed. You have had bad things happen to you because bad people were trying to hurt you. Now you have us to protect you from both your own mind and the people trying to hurt you. Never throw away your armor because the knife is shining nicely.”

Nina giggled and then nodded. Inej leaned down and kissed her.

“So you’re going to stay with us? We’re not breaking up anymore?” Wylan asked, his shoulders sagging in relief.

“No, I’m sorry. I got too into my own head and then I guess I just couldn’t keep it inside any longer,” Nina shook her head. She stood up and moved away from the three partners crowding the couch as she wrapped herself around Wylan. He buried himself into her body and clung to her to make sure that she was really there in front of him.

She removed her head from his fluffy brown-red hair to look over all of her partners. They had all gone to such great lengths to make sure that she was still together with them and so that she knew that they loved her. She was never going to hurt them like that again, for as long as she lived.

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radiant-reid · 2 years ago

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famous!reader just released midnights, what would spencer’s reaction be? and what would be his fav song? i feel like he’d def be proud and comforting reader after hearing yoyok

a spencer coded album fr, like lavender haze because everyone's a little unsure about if their relationship would actually work because she's major famous and he's not

he's so excited to hear it and he loves it the second he hears the first note. i think sweet nothings is his favorite because it reminds him of those domestic moments between them that he loves and treasures. also Paris has big them energy because spencer loves paris and it could have been somewhere they went together early on and he hears the song she wrote about it later on and he's so soft because he was so in love with her and he thought he was the only one but apparently it was both of them

when he hears yoyok, he just hugs her so tight while telling her that yeah, she made it

#spencer reid #famous!reader

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angelexlife · 1 year ago

Text

Taylor Alison Swift (13/10/2023)

Taylor Alison Swift was born December 13 1989 to Andra and Scott Swift. On March 11th, 1992, Taylors' younger brother Austin Swift was born. He became an actor and helps his sister with some of her music-related things. Taylor and her brother were born in Reading Pennsylvania. When Taylor was 14 she and her family moved to Nashville Tennessee and Taylor went to pursue her career in country music. In November of 2004, Taylor signed to the, at the time nonexistent, record label Big Machine Records owned by Scott Borchette. Taylor made a few demo CDs that she would give to people to promote herself and her music to people.

In June of 2006 Taylor debuted her first single Tim McGraw, she wrote the song as an ode to a lover who would be leaving town. The song served as an introduction to her self-titled debut album. Taylor Swift, otherwise known as Debut or Self-Titled, was released on October 24th, 2006, and contained the singles Teardrops on My Guitar, Our Song, Picture To Burn, and Should’ve Said No. The album became the longest-charting album of the 2000s, spreading 227 weeks on the Billboard 100. Taylor wrote or co-wrote every song from the album during her freshman year of high school.

In 2006 and later re-released in 2009 Taylor released a holiday collection. The Taylor Swift Holiday Collection EP was the first and only Christmas collection that Taylor has released. The collection includes four country-pop-styled covers of the songs Last Christmas, Santa Baby, Silent Night and White Christmas. Along with two of her previously unreleased tracks Christmases When You Were Mine and Christmas Must Be Something More.

Between the release of her Debut and her sophomore album Taylor released an EP titled Beutiful Eyes which had Teardrops on My Guitar Acoustic Version, Should’ve Said No Alternative Version, and two previously unreleased tracks titled Beutiful Eyes, and I Heart ? It was never released on streaming and the CDs are now considered rare.

On November 11, 2008, Fearless was released as her sophomore album, which had the singles Fifteen, Love Story, White Horse, and You Belong With Me. Taylor considered this album to be her breakthrough moment as Fearless was her first number-one and became the most-awarded country album. Taylor Swift, who was 20 at the time, was the youngest person to have won Album of The Year until 2020 when Billie won.

During the 2009 VMAs when Taylor was accepting an award for Fearless rapper Kanye West climbed on stage and rudely interrupted her. Swift looked noticeably deflated by West's comments with ‘Boos” erupting from the ground. Fun Fact: Taylor used to be a Kanye fan. When Taylor later recounted on the events, she said she was really excited because she had just won the award, and then excited because Kanye was on stage and then she just wasn't excited anymore. Taylor's mom apparently yelled at him for doing this to Taylor. Kanye, following the incident, apologized on his blog and to Taylor. Taylor released a song called Innocent on her third album forgiving him for the 2009 VMAs incident but let's put a pin in this for now.

In 2009 Taylor appeared on an episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investication. She played as Haley Jones in Turn, Turn, Turn.

Following the success of Fearless people had doubts about Taylor's songwriting ability. Taylor wrote her third album Speak Now alone to prove these people wrong. Speak Now was released on October 25, 2010. It contained the singles Mine, Back To December, Mean, The Story Of Us, and Ours. Speak Now won many awards including a Grammy for Best Country Album.

In 2010 Taylor also played a role in Valentine's Day in which she played as Felicia Miller. She also contributed to the soundtrack with Today Was A Fairytale and Jump Than Fall.

On October 22nd, 2012, Taylor released her fourth album Red. While at the same time, she went through a dramatic visual change as she straightened her curly hair and had started her shift towards pop music with the album containing a mix of pop and country. Red had songs such as I Knew You Were Trouble, 22, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, and Everything Has Changed were Billboard charting singles at the time they released. Red was nominated for a Grammy for Album Of The Year. Rolling Stones named All Too Well the best song of the 2010s.

In 2012 The Lorax came out. bit weird to be mentioning The Lorax in a Taylor Swift essay huh? But did you know Taylor had a role in The Lorax? In 2012 Taylor Swift was the voice for Audrey. Bit of a fun fact for you.

Also in 2012, Taylor worked on the soundtrack for The Hunger Games. She and The Civals Wars produced Safe And Sound for the movie.

In 2013 Taylor was in an episode of New Girl, where she played as Elaine.

Taylor's fifth album, 1989, named after her birthyear, was released on October 27th, 2014, and was her official switch into pop music. 1989 has her biggest hits to this day titled Blank Space, Style, Out Of The Woods, Shake It Off, Bad Blood, and Wildest Dreams. 1989 was the only album in 2014 to sell a million copies in its first week. 1989 won a Grammy for Album of The Year making Taylor the first woman to win Album of The Year twice for two different genres.

Also in 2014, Taylor played Rosemary in the movie adaptation of The Giver.

Around the time of Taylors' Grammy win she became entangled in a heavily publicized feud with Kanye West (remember the pin, it getting taken out now) Following the incident back in 2009 at the VMAs the two had seemed to have moved on and were even seen together at multiple events, nice right? It was until 2016 when Kanye released a song called Famous in which he calls her a “bitch” and claims he made her famous, not to mention an incredibly disgusting music video. Taylor responded to the song by claiming that she never said he could call her that. She never signed off on the line. But then Kanye and his then-wife Kim Kardashian leaked an edited version of the phone call that made it seem as if Taylor was lying. Taylor was canceled, called a liar, a snake, and had people making fun of her “downfall”. Taylor removed herself from social media and the public eye following the backlash. Later the full phone call was leaked proving that Taylor did in fact not sign off on the line.

During the time of the drama Taylor went on a hiatus, breaking her cycle of releasing an album every two years. During this time she worked on songs such as This is What You Came For with her at the time boyfriend Calvin Harris under a pseudonym (the song of which she has just recently gotten credit for), a country song (outtake from Red) called Better Man that she sold and featured on to Little Big Town, and I Don’t Want To Live Forever With ZAYN that featured in the film Fifty Shades Darker.

On August 18th, 2017, Taylor wiped her social media accounts to tease the release of Look What You Made Me Do, which was released at the end of the month. Her sixth studio album Reputation came out on November 10th of the same year featuring the singles …Ready For It?, End Game, and Delicate. The record was her biggest sale at the time, selling over 1.2 million copies in the USA during its first week. Reputation also became the best-selling album of 2018.

Reputation was Taylors' last album with Big Machine Records before signing with Republic Records. Following her new contract, Scott Borcettha sold her albums masters to Scooter Braun, her first six albums that she wanted to own the masters for. Swift described her disappointment on social media but vowed to re-record her stolen albums so that she could own them. Apparently, Scooter didn't think that she would be album to do this successfully but at almost four re-records down (pin that for a second) you can see who's winning that.

Taylor was dedicated to artistic ownership and it became a large focus point of her 2019 album, released on August 23, Lover. She co-produced most of the tracks on the album, as well as directing or co-directing each of the music videos. The album featured the initial singles ME!, Lover, The Man, and You Need To Calm Down. Cruel Summer was later released as a single in the summer of 2023. In November of 2019 the American Music Awards named Taylor Artist of the decade. Taylor also, in the same night, beat Micheal Jacksons' record to become the artist with the most AMA awards in history, this one being her 29th award. The next month Billboards named Taylor the Artist of The Decade.

Fun fact in 2019 Taylor was in the infamous movie Cats. She played the cat Bombaurina. In the movie, she sings Macavity.

In January of 2020, Taylor released a documentary called Miss Americana that showed fans a glimpse of Taylor's life and decision to speak up on politics. The documentary featured a song called Only The Young that Taylor wrote while she was recording Lover.

Following the Covid-19 pandemic Taylor yet again switched in genres. On July Taylors'Taylors' 8th album Folklore was released after being surprise announced just the day before. The only single from the album was Cardigan. Folklore has a more alternative sound and instead of being autobiographical, like Taylors' work normally was, it was focused on telling other people's stories. The album included the Folklore Love Triangle which is three songs. Cardigan, Betty, and August, each told the perspective of three different people who as the name suggests, is about a love triangle. Betty (Cardigan) was dating James (Betty), but then James cheated on her with a girl named Augustine (August). James ends up choosing Betty in the end.

She later released Folklore: The Long Pond Studios Sessions on Disney+ where she performed the whole album live for the first time. Folklore won Album of The Year in March 2021 making Taylor the first woman and fourth artist to win Album of The Year three times.

Another surprise project, a follow-up album titled Evermore was released on December 11th, 2020, two days before Taylors' birthday. Evermore expanded on the stories told in its sister album Folklore. The only single from the album being Willow.

In 2021 Taylor refocused on regaining her ownership over her work and to make the re-records more exciting and different she included From The Vault tracks which were songs that had been scrapped from albums and were unreleased.

She kicked off the first re-record era by releasing Love Story (Taylors Version) in February right before making Fearless (Taylors Version) her first re-recording. The vault track Mr. Perfectly Fine was also released as a single for the record.

Taylor's second re-recording was for her fourth album Red which came out November 12th, 2021. It featured the singles I Bet You Think About Me and All Too Well (Ten Minute Version). All Too Well (Ten Minute Version) became a short film that stared Sadie Sink and Dylan O’Brian.

Breaking up the re-recordings Taylor released her tenth album Midnights was released on October 21st, 2022. Midnights tells the stories of many sleepless nights scattered across her life. The singles from the album were Bejeweled, Anti-Hero, and Lavender Haze. Midnights success gave Taylor the record of being the first person to occupy the top ten of the Billboard Hot 100 and gave Taylor the record for the most streamed album on Spotify in one day.

In 2022 Taylor played in Amsterdam, she played the role of Liz Meekins.

On March 17th of 2023, to celebrate the start of the Eras tour, she released The More Lover Chapter which contained the songs Cruel Summer, Lover, The Man, The Archer, and the previously unreleased song All Of The Girls You Loved Before. She also released The More Red (Taylors’ Version) Chapter which contained the songs I Knew You Were Trouble (Taylors’ Version), 22 (Taylors’ Version), We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together (Taylors’ Version), All Too Well (Ten Minute Version) (Taylors’ Version) [From The Vault], and two new Taylors Versions, Safe And Sound (Taylors’ Version) and Eyes Open (Taylors’ Version). Finally, she had also released The More Fearless (Taylors’ Version) Chapter which included Fearless (Taylors’ Version), Love Story (Taylors’ Version), White Horse (Taylors’ Version), You Belong With Me (Taylors’ Version)and a track that originally was on the deluxe edition of Speak Now, If This Was A Movie (Taylors’ Version).

Taylor then got back to the re-recordings and on July 7th, 2023, she released Speak Now (Taylors Version). Its only single was the “From The Vault” track I Can See You which had a music video featuring Taylor Lautner and Joey King. Joey King had also been in the music video for Mean thirteen years before.

Taylor's most recent re-recording as of today will be 1989 (Taylors Version) and it is expected to be released on October 27th, 2023, the exact date as the original was released 9 years prior. The re-record will contain 5 vault tracks and Taylor considers this her favorite re-recording. She had already released two singles from this re-record before Red (Taylors' Version) was released, Wildest Dreams (Taylors' Version) and This Love (Taylors' Version). The five vault tracks are called “Slut!”, Now That We Don’t Talk, Say Don’t Go, Suburban Legends, and Is It Over Now?.

As of right now the last two re-recordings are Reputation (Taylors Version) and Taylor Swift (Taylors Version).

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