#also this had me googling like crazy thing to figure out what's the name of that truck sokaoskaoksoaskas
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911 Hiatus Rewatch and:
Municipal Vehicles Damaged or Destroyed on the Show Count, lightning round: 9 and 10
Battalion's Chief Truck Destroyed and Fire Engine Damaged in Survivors.
#911#911edit#911hiatus2023#911 abc#911 fox#my edit#911hiatuscars#flashing tw#usercam#im starting to resent this series#i really am#is there any more damages that involve one of them almost dying?#this was supposed to be funny#not for me to post this looking like this emoji š«„š«„š«„#also why is it always buck or eddie#the ambulance the bombing the tsunami eddie begins here#jesus get them away from the vehicles sokasokaoskas#also this had me googling like crazy thing to figure out what's the name of that truck sokaoskaoksoaskas#ugh#911verse
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So,
What a wild ride, everybody.
This tournament went live on July 13th, 3023, and concluded January 1st, 2024. For a long time before, Iād been wondering if I should try my hand at running one of these tournaments, and then I realized we hadnāt had a general tumblr-wide one for tragic characters. I knew that I didnāt know what I was getting myself into, but I decided to bite the bullet and take the URL. The rest is history.
I didnāt have a set plan, but I figured I could take 128 entries. And then in less than a week and a half, I had ~122. And honestly, I wasnāt happy continuing with just those Iād gotten so far, and thought itād be unfair if it closed that quickly without warning, so I decided to up it to 256 with a max 2 characters per canon after preliminaries. Only after that did I go on a mad search to find brackets that were big enough for that, and Iād almost given up before I finally found these:
Those are all the characters that made it past prelims and into the competition. Some quite unexpected results came out of these matchups, round after round, and honestly Iād consider the first round to have had the most brutal competitions, because I had tried to do the best I could to match levels of popularity with each other, as far as I could tell. (Yeah, thatās why we had c!Tommy v Jon Sims and Primrose v Jinx.). But even eclipsing all of those, as the weeks went on, we were eventually met with Antigone versus Lloyd Garmadon. Ah, those crazy kids.
At some points it was stressful, in the early rounds when I had dozens of posts, each with edited images and alt text, to prepare for every round, but I never regretted starting this. As of posting, this blog has 2,020 followers and has made over 1,000 posts. This will be the last post on this blogāany future asks I receive I will answer privately back to the asker, or cannot be answered if they are anonābut it will always remain here for posterity. The link below is to the similarly-preserved google sheet compiling every word of every submission this tournament ever received.
Iād like to take this chance to say thank you to everyone who submitted characters, supplied photos, sent in propaganda, reblogged the polls, indoctrinated their teachers into greeklitsweep, and everyone who kept good sportsmanship when their blorbos proved so tragic they couldnāt even win. Thank you to the small group of URLs whom Iāve consistently recognized in my inbox from submissions all the way to finals, thank you for letting me know when a name was messed up, and thank you for your patience in-between rounds. (Shoutout to @elemom as well for having their tiktok on the original antigone/lloyd poll blow up.)
If youāve stumbled upon this blog weeks, months, or even years after this was posted, I would direct your attention to the tag map in the pinned post to sift through the tumblr history youāve just uncovered. And I would also be tempted to point at the big sign next to it reciting the nuclear zone warning poem. Lastly, if anyone here or there wishes to talk to me about anything regarding the tournament, youāre welcome to DM @twilight-skies.
There were times when I said to myself this was a one-and-done thingāI was NOT dealing with this again, butā¦.keep a look on the horizon, ya never know.
But until next time, itās been amazing.
Sayonara you weeaboo shits.
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Yu-Gi-Oh! Go Rush!! Episode 127 Sub Release
Torrent
Support us on ko-fi
Please make sure to read theĀ FAQĀ if you have any questions.
There are LONG translation notes below, so spoilers ahead!!
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ć§ćÆććććļ¼ č²“å
¬ļ¼ćć¬ćļ¼ ććć©ćļ¼ Then, this one? You over there? Young man? This guy?
There are a lot of different ways to address someone else not you in Japanese, just as many as there are personal pronouns to refer to yourself. For example, ćå (omae) is one you'll hear a lot of anime characters use, however this is rarely used in real life due to how rude and casual it is between anyone that's not your close friends.
In any Japanese class, you may learn ććŖć (anata) instead, which is slightly more formal and neutral. You may also hear other characters use ćć (kimi), which is slightly softer and cute-sounding.
All of these, in essence, mean "you". However, their tones and connotations are extremely different. Due to how rarely Japanese as a language even needs to use pronouns (the first rule of "you" in Japanese is not using "you" at all!), busting out any form of "you" is meant to be something you do only when you need to address someone directly, to get their attention. Similar to saying their name.
In fact, "you" and forms of it in Japanese can also count as swearing (especially for a language that really doesn't have swearing the way other languages may*).
You may have heard some anime characters ground out a ćć”ćØ (temee), å·± (onore), or č²“ę§ (kisama) when they're pissed off or angry. This also means "you", but in such a way that it shows extreme displeasure and informality/rudeness. You would never use this with anyone in real life in daily conversation. It occupies the same space and feeling as saying "you piece of shit".
In fact, ćć (kuso), which many people may recognize as "shit!", used to be an old way to say "you"!
Anyway, small language lesson aside, Yuudias is basically using a whole bunch of different variants of "you" in order to figure out how exactly The Creator addressed Kuaidul. I tried my best with picking out a few modifiers, but the Japanese "you" is never going to be perfectly translatable, unfortunately.
ćććć (koregashi) - also Kuaidul's personal pronoun, literally means "this one" č²“å
¬ (kikou) - stuff you might hear in a period drama, usually used by a nobleman to refer to a male servant ćć¬ć (onushi) - also archaic and something you'd hear in a period drama, usually used by samurai to address other samurai ććć©ć (ondore) - kind of rural country-sounding, very casual
(* In modern times, though, "swear words" have actually been created in Japanese slang. This wouldn't be a language lesson if I didn't teach you how to curse!
"Fuck!" as a modifier/adjective ("that fucking thing" / "I hate this so fucking much") can be ćÆć½ćć« (kusodeka) in Japanese. As with all things, it depends on context.
For how to conjugate it, it's kind of a na adjective. So, ćććć«å¤§å£° ("that fucking loud voice") would be fine.
The more you know!)
ćØćć«ćć·ć¼ / ćØćć«ćć¼ć (eperubashii / eperubeino) Transcendence / Exceed
If you're wondering why this episode took so long to get subbed, you can blame these two words. There's actually a funny story involved!
When I first stumbled on it, I had zero clue what Yuuhi was trying to say. Me and Tessa (batsugeemu) scoured like crazy on different websites and weird Google searches trying to get a hit, but no dice. So we kind of just put the script aside for a couple days.
Then, the Chinese fansub team reached out to me. They also had zero clue what the hell "eperubashii" or "eperubeino" meant, and were wondering if we knew. Unfortunately, we didn't.
However, they did mention to us that they thought "eperu" may refer to iper (meaning hyper-) in Italian. They just couldn't decipher the rest of it.
We then asked an Italian person for their opinion and they said that the words don't sound like anything they know. However, they redirected us to look at Greek instead, since yper is also the same thing in Greek.
And finally, after a long couple days, we got a hit! The two words Yuuhi's saying are Ļ
ĻĪµĻĪ²Ī±ĻĪÆĪ± (ypĆ©rbasi) and Ļ
ĻĪµĻĪ²Ī±ĪÆĪ½Ļ (ypervaĆnoĢ±) in Greek. Since I don't know Greek, I just took the first meaning in the dictionary that came up and used it.
It was a team effort but we got to the bottom of it!
I guess becoming Otes teaches you Greek. After all, karutamata is a combination of "karuta" meaning card and "mata" from automata (automation, etc), both Greek words. Zwijo also has a lot of Greek stuff in his deck, as does Yuudias. Well then!
ćć¦ć / naui "Hella happening"
This is just 80s Japanese slang for something that's "current" and "trendy". It comes from English! From "now-y".
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Anyway, another great arc done and very excited to see what happens next! Thanks as always for sticking with us.
Also, happy Go Rush world launch in Duel Links!! š
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How would you suggest to learn art? I currently am only able to draw heads not very well but I try and I'm very inspired by your art, do you have any suggestions or tips?
look at ur favs and try to draw like them! when i wanted to start taking art more seriously i was copying frames off cuphead and the sonic mania intro by eye and eventually i made some art friends who i wanted to draw JUST like. and i basically tried to adopt the artstyles that inspired me during whatever era of my life at the time but naturally my own swag shined through and after many years and inspo from so many different things, i draw the way i do now, and am still striving to get better! so what im saying is legit to just look at ur favorite artists and try to do what theyre doing, study ppls styles copy art by eye for practice, try to push yourself to try new stuff. pushing yourself sucks a lot because it can be quite a demotivator when you try to do something cool but you dont see what you quite hoped but thats experience!
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wear ur inspirations on ur sleeve! some of my fav artists that have inspired me a lot in the past 2 years are bobobazarra, marcoggers on twitter, vintdoo, dakidavekat, evilsk8r, deppa, mettaflix. and those are only just a few! i could literally go on naming people for hours. dont be afraid to proudly shout abt what or who who inspires ur stuff!
when it comes to hard practice and studies, if youre willing to get into certain techniques u can try looking into ways to break down the body, like boxing out stuff like the torso and pelvis and stuff like that to use as construction. to me when the mood would strike me when i was starting out, doing figure studies and copying poses i found on google was smth id do for like 30 mins to an hour, even if they were terrible it was just fun to draw them and move on to the next. and it was experience! even if it didnt feel like it at the time. like, doing something like copying a buncha hands for fun creates a mental library for ur brain to pick from to help make whatever unique hand youre trying to make for your art. its all experience! so do it when you feel up to it!
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and overall just try to have fun, if you find yourself frustrated enough to feel hopeless about art then just try to take a step back and come back later or draw whatever makes you happy. but when youre able to take on challenge and pushing yourself always try to, and try to have fun and keep in mind that what youre doing is gonna shoot your stuff to the stars and that u just gotta keep going. and get pinterest! that shit helps out a fuckton both with creative inspiration and art studies and practicing and tips.
------------------------------------------ also keep in mind everything ive said here is just my personal experience and whats worked for me. everybody works differently with art. something that changed my perspective a lot was meeting one of my favorite artists last year, and asking for advice because i was going through horrible art block and self worth issues. i was going crazy copying peoples art in my sketchbooks trying to figure out what others understood that it felt i couldnt, trying to figure out what was missing. i was super desperate for improvement and it felt like i was improving so slowly compared to others with the same amount of years spent drawing as
i. so when i asked this artist what they did to study stuff, they told me they barely even did studies on anatomy and whatever. which was crazy to me because it felt like they had such a grasp on that kinda thing and stylized it so well. that didnt make me stop studying though but it made me worry about everything way less, because it made me realize you just gotta do what you feel is right and what you feel is truly pushing you, but most importantly have fun doing it. it made me realize art wasnt this rigid ass process where i was breaking rules or not eating enough art veggies. so with that, i accepted myself and i moved forward continuing to push myself but not worrying as much about improvement right away, just have fun and do studies and shit as i went when i wanted to, and give myself a little push to strive for stuff just a bit crazier than what i felt i was capable of.
everyone is different, theres some artists that start from the feet up or start drawing a body from the shoulder its crazy. but its not because its objectively better to do that, its just how they draw. some artists do full sketch constructions for bodies, some artists do everything from eye. im sure theres some that switched from doing everything from eye to wanting to do construction for bodies and stuff, and vice versa. they did what worked for them, but what makes ppl rly improve is simply that they have fun in the process and strive to push themselves, thats the most important thing, or at least thats my perspective on it at this current point in my life.
so do what you feel is right, have fun, try different techniques out, try different stuff that you feel will help you, keep being inspired.
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best of luck to u, sorry for yapping kinda a lot and thank u a ton for the kind words!
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I'm watching the Craig of The Creek movie rn, and oh my God, MY SCOUT BABIES IT'S THEM.
Spoilers for Craig Before The Creek below:
WHOSE THAT GURL WITH THEM IS SHE LIKE LIKE AN OLDER SISTER/MENTOR TO THEM. OKAY, SO SHE'S CLEARLY A FELLOW SCOUT AND WOULD BE LIKE A MENTOR TOWARDS THEM.
Based on how Boris held her hand and the way Jason smiled at her comment towards getting the friend group name correct, that could be to imply they were rather close to her. Especially Boris. I doubt they're related by blood or law. However, I do think they had a big sister bond with her when they became scouts. According to Google, you can be a scout as young as kindergarten to 5th grade, and the oldest you can be a scout is 18.
My headcanon is that she is the reason why the scouts started going to the creek, and she would show them around it and guide them, I get a very strong older sister vibe from her. Much like Mari from Omori, let's hope she didn't play the piano...
I don't know how many years the movie takes place before the movie (at least not yet). However, I stirred up some guesses. Jason seems to be 10-11 in the show like Craig, so based on how young the scouts look, my guess will have to be that they are 6-7 years old (possibly 8 years old for Boris). So, 3-4 years before the show.
Imo, Jason seems to be happier in that scene, and in my opinion, Jason in the show isn't a very happy child if we exclude certain scenes. So, assuming the theory that Jason's mother is dead is true, we can assume the movie takes place before the tragedy.
In conclusion, this is what I stirred up for Jason (after the movie and before the show): I still have my headcanon that Jason's mother cheated on Jason's father, rooting their divorce. Jason's clearly upset by this as he begins seeing his mother a less, and his father is growing distant. However, he still had the girl we see in the movie for guidance and comfort. I do think that Jason was still pretty lonely in his childhood, so when his parents weren't around, he had her to act as an older sister for him.
But then, tragedy strikes, and Jason's mother is dead. Life begins to suck more for Jason, he now lives with just his dad and now he's straight up ignoring him and only remembers he exists in order to brag about Jason's achievements as a Forest Scout and to top it off he drags in Jason's step mother. And she clearly doesn't like him as much.
But at least he still has-
Oh, she's leaving too.
Jason's sister figure ages out of being a scout and leaves, leaving him to handle his new home situation.
I still think that Boris and the girl were the closest to each other and meant the most to each other. I think she loved them like little brothers and she loved showing around the new Forest Scouts and showing them the ropes. But Jason, Boris, and Tony stuck out to her THE MOST. She acted as an older sister to the younger scouts and maybe even stood up for them when the fellow older scouts were teasing them. She loved the scouts like little brothers, but time caught up with her, and she could no longer be a scout.
I love overanalyzing so much, you have no idea. I missed my scouts so much but now that they're back I can do SO MUCH WITH THEM NOW AHH
Also, do not think I didn't see the girl and (present) Tony having similar hats. Imma just go crazy with that and make the headcanon that she gave Tony that hat when she left. (I know her hat is a little different, but let me have fun).
And another thing, maybe she's the camp counselor we see in Camper On The Run. They have a lot of physical similarities, I need to see the episode again after watching the movie.
Edit:Just got done watching the movie, and the credits confirm that girl is the woman we see looking for Roxy in Camper On The Run and that she was indeed a fellow scout. Shannon is credited as Shannon the Scout rather than just Shannon. So, this could be a lead for my theory/headcanon being true. Someone on the COTC subreddit said that in the movie, Kelsey says she is in the second grade, and she is 9 in the show, so that would mean that the movie takes place 2 years before the show.
Now, let's get back to Shannon with this new information. The youngest to become a camp counselor is 16 and when I googled the age you can no longer be a scout I got multiple answers, but the most common one is 18. So we are safe to assume that Shannon left at 17-18 aka the estimate for when a Junior Forest Scout can no longer be a scout. I assume Shannon is 15-16 at the time of the movie and left at 17-18. So we can assume Shannon is probably 18-20 at the time of Camper On The Run.
Since she went to the creek, I wonder if she got to see Boris, Tony, and Jason again briefly. I NEED SOMEONE TO WRITE A FIC WITH ALL THEM PLEASE.
#craig of the creek#character analysis#jason cotc#cotc#cotc tony#boris cotc#cotc boris#tony cotc#craig before the creek#theories#headcanons#overanalyzing#overanalysis#overthinking#long post#cotc shannon#cotc spoilers
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"On the Great Alkali Plain" part 2, from Letters from Watson, arrived in my inbox this morning, bringing with it a predictable cloud of dust from approaching horses (since this isn't a George R.R. Martin novel, so we're not going to introduce characters just to kill them off immediately).
But what a caravan! When the head of it had reached the base of the mountains, the rear was not yet visible on the horizon. Right across the enormous plain stretched the straggling array, waggons and carts, men on horseback, and men on foot. Innumerable women who staggered along under burdens, and children who toddled beside the waggons or peeped out from under the white coverings.
Either we're running late on the Oregon Trail (since Doyle did not have social media to live-blog progress across the dusty waste) or the year 1847 is important, and these are Mormons.
āShall I go forward and see, Brother Stangerson,ā asked one of the band.
These have got to be Mormons.
āNigh upon ten thousand,ā said one of the young men; āwe are the persecuted children of Godāthe chosen of the Angel Merona.ā
Tell me you're a Mormon without telling me you're a Mormon.
āWe are the Mormons,ā answered his companions with one voice.
OMG, they're Mormons.
This makes the geographic names a little dicey -- the Mormon Trail ran through Wyoming, similar but not identical to today's I-80, so the Rio Grande River should be nowhere nearby -- but Doyle didn't have access to Google Maps, and it's not like his readers in the UK would go factcheck. Even with the Transcontinental Railroad completed back in 1869, most places in the Great American Desert were still remote in the 1880s, and California on the far end was still feeling the effects of isolation. Doyle also misspells the Angel Moroni and uses a masculine-ending name on a Sierra, so he's working from popular myth and the memory of things he's read. I wonder how many letters with corrections he received.
(At the time Doyle was writing, "Mormon" was the term used by the group themselves. Since about the 1980s, church leadership started urging the use of "Latter-Day Saints" instead. When I lived in Phoenix, that's near a big LDS population in Mesa, so I wince at using the older term. From here on out, if I'm quoting Doyle, I'll use "Mormon," but if I'm talking, I'll stick to LDS.)
The big reason the LDS wagon train is headed west is because they practiced polygamy at the time, and this was considered both illegal and immoral in larger U.S. society. (That's not a critique of polyamory today, when enthusiastic concept and clear rules are normalized.)
So far Doyle's account of the LDS party is generally positive -- they're organized, efficient, knowledgeable about their surroundings, prepared for danger, and responsible toward people needing rescue, if a bit holier-than-thou -- but I can't believe he's going to handle polygamy with anything other than distaste.
Polygamy is the thing LDS have been known for (to their chagrin after the mainstream LDS church banned it), so at the end of this section, Doyle's original audience is split into two groups:
Readers who have no real idea what a "Mormon" is and accept it as just one more crazy American thing, who now figure Lucy is rescued and wonder what goes wrong later to lead to murder; and
Readers who know about polygamy and are feeling dread for Lucy.
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Everyday pt.3
Hanni Pham x reader pt1, pt2, pt3, pt4, pt5, pt6, pt7, pt8, pt9, pt10, pt11, pt12, pt13
a/n feeling generous today so double update!!! still, credits are all given to the real author ''every day'' by David Levithan
Day 5996
All I get is tomorrow.
As I fell asleep, I had a glint of an idea. But as I wake up, I realize the glint has no light left in it.
Today Iām a boy. Yang Jungwon. Soccer player, but not a star soccer player. Clean room, but not compulsively so. Videogame console in his room. Ready to wake up. Parents asleep.
He lives in a town thatās about a four-hour drive from where Hanni lives.
This is nowhere near close enough.
Itās an uneventful day, as most are. The only suspense comes from whether I can access things fast enough.
Soccer practice is the hardest part. The coach keeps calling out names, and I have to access it like crazy to figure out who everyone is. Itās not Jungwonās best day at practice, but he doesnāt embarrass himself.
I know how to play most sports, but Iāve also learned my limits. I found this out the hard way when I was eleven. I woke up in the body of some kid who was in the middle of a ski trip. I thought that, hey, skiing had always looked fun. So I figured Iād try. Learn it as I went. How hard could it be?
The kid had already graduated from the bunny slopes, and I didnāt even know there was such a thing as a bunny slope. I thought skiing was like sleddingāone hill fits all.
I broke the kidās leg in three places.
The pain was pretty bad. And I honestly wondered if, when I woke up the next morning, I would still feel the pain of the broken leg, even though I was in a new body. But instead of the pain, I felt something just as badāthe fierce, living weight of terrifying guilt. Just as if Iād rammed him with a car, I was consumed by the knowledge that a stranger was lying in a hospital bed because of me.
And if heād died ā¦ I wondered if I would have died, too. There is no way for me to know. All I know is that, in a way, it doesnāt matter. Whether I die or just wake up the next morning as if nothing happened, the fact of the death will destroy me.
So Iām careful. Soccer, baseball, field hockey, football, softball, basketball, swimming, trackāall of those are fine. But Iāve also woken up in the body of an ice hockey player, a fencer, an equestrian, and once, recently, a gymnast.
Iāve sat all those out.
If thereās one thing Iām good at, itās video games. Itās a universal presence, like TV or the Internet. No matter where I am, I usually have access to these things, and video games especially help me calm my mind.
After soccer practice, Jungwonās friends come over to play World of Warcraft. We talk about school and talk about girls (except for his friends Sunoo and Jake, who talk about boys). This, Iāve discovered, is the best way to waste time, because it isnāt really wastedāsurrounded by friends, talking crap and sometimes talking for real, with snacks around and something on a screen.
I might even be enjoying myself if I could only unmoor myself from the place I want to be.
Day 5997
Itās almost eerie how well the next day works out.
I wake up earlyāsix in the morning.
I wake up as a girl.
A girl with a car. And a license.
In a town only an hour away from Hanniās.
I apologize to Ahn Yujin as I drive away from her house, a half hour after waking up. What Iām doing is, no doubt, a strange form of kidnapping.
I strongly suspect that Ahn Yujin wouldnāt mind. Getting dressed this morning, the options were black, black, orā¦black. Not in a goth senseānone of the black came in the form of lace glovesābut more in a rock ānā roll sense. The mix in her car stereo puts Janis Joplin and Brian Eno side by side, and somehow it works.
I canāt rely on Yujinās memory hereāweāre going somewhere sheās never been. So I did some Google mapping right after my shower, typed in the address of Hanniās school, and watched it pop up in front of me. That simple. I printed it out, then cleared the history.
I have become very good at clearing histories.
I know I shouldnāt be doing this. I know Iām poking a wound, not healing it. I know thereās no way to have a future with Hanni.
All Iām doing is extending the past by a day.
Normal people donāt have to decide whatās worth remembering. You are given a hierarchy, recurring characters, the help of repetition, of anticipation, the firm hold of a long history. But I have to decide the importance of each and every memory. I only remember a handful of people, and in order to do that, I have to hold tight, because the only repetition availableāthe only way I am going to see them againāis if I conjure them in my mind.
I choose what to remember, and I am choosing Hanni. Again and again, I am choosing her, I am conjuring her, because to let go for an instant will allow her to disappear.
The same song that we heard in Minjiās car comes onāAnd if I only could, Iād make a deal with God.ā¦
I feel the universe is telling me something. And it doesnāt even matter if itās true or not. What matters is that I feel it, and believe it.
The enormity rises within me.
The universe nods along to the songs.
I try to hold on to as few mundane, everyday memories as possible. Facts and figures, sure. Books Iāve read or information I need to know. The rules of soccer, for instance. The plot of Romeo and Juliet. The phone number to call if thereās an emergency. I remember those.
But what about the thousands of everyday memories, the thousands of everyday reminders, that every person accumulates? The place you keep your house keys. Your motherās birthday. The name of your first pet. The name of your current pet. Your locker combination. The location of the silverware drawer. The channel number for MTV. Your best friendās last name.
These are the things I have no need for. And, over time, my mind has rewired itself, so all this information falls away as soon as the next morning comes.
Which is why itās remarkableābut not surprisingāthat I remember exactly where Hanniās locker is.
I have my cover story ready: If anyone asks, I am checking out the school because my parents might be moving to town.
I donāt remember if there are assigned parking spaces, so just in case, I park far from the school. Then I simply walk in. I am just another random girl in the hallsāthe freshmen will think Iām a senior, and the seniors will think Iām a freshman. I have Yujinās schoolbag with meāblack with anime details, filled with books that wonāt really apply here. I look like I have a destination. And I do.
If the universe wants this to happen, she will be there at her locker.
I tell myself this, and there she is. Right there in front of me.
Sometimes memory tricks you. Sometimes beauty is best when itās distant. But even from here, thirty feet away, I know that the reality of her is going to match my memory.
Twenty feet away.
Even in the crowded hallway, there is something in her that radiates out to me.
Ten.
She is carrying herself through the day, and itās not an easy task.
Five.
I can stand right here and she has no idea who I am. I can stand right here and watch her. I can see that the sadness has returned. And itās not a beautiful sadnessābeautiful sadness is a myth. Sadness turns our features to clay, not porcelain. She is dragging.
āHey,ā I say, my voice thin, a stranger here.
At first she doesnāt understand that Iām talking to her. Then it registers.
āHey,ā she says back.
Most people, Iāve noticed, are instinctively harsh to strangers. They expect every approach to be an attack, every question to be an interruption. But not Hanni. She doesnāt have any idea who I am, but sheās not going to hold that against me. Sheās not going to assume the worst.
āDonāt worryāyou donāt know me,ā I quickly say. āItās justāitās my first day here. Iām checking the school out. And I really like your skirt and your bag. So I thought, you know, Iād say hello. Because, to be honest, I am completely alone right now.ā
Again, some people would be scared by this. But not Hanni. She offers her hand, introduces herself as we shake, and asks me why there isnāt someone showing me around.
āI donāt know,ā I say.
āWell, why donāt I take you to the office? Iām sure they can figure something out.ā
I panic. āNo!ā I blurt out. Then I try to cover for myself, and prolong my time with her. āItās just ā¦ Iām not here officially. Actually, my parents donāt even know Iām doing this. They just told me weāre moving here, and I ā¦ I wanted to see it and decide whether I should be freaking out or not.ā
Hanni nods. āThat makes sense. So youāre cutting school in order to check the school out?ā
āExactly.ā
āWhat year are you?ā
āA junior.ā
āSo am I. Letās see if we can pull this off. Do you want to come around with me today?ā
āIād love that.ā
I know sheās just being nice. Irrationally, I also want there to be some kind of recognition. I want her to be able to see behind this body, to see me inside here, to know that itās the same person she spent an afternoon with on the beach.
I follow her. Along the way, she introduces me to a few of her friends, and I am relieved to meet each one, relieved to know that she has more people in her life than Minji. The way she includes me, the way she takes this total stranger and makes her feel a part of this world, makes me care about her even more. Itās one thing to be love-worthy when you are interacting with your girlfriend; itās quite another when you act the same way with a girl you donāt know. I no longer think sheās just being nice. Sheās being kind. Which is much more a sign of character than mere niceness. Kindness connects to who you are, while niceness connects to how you want to be seen.
Minji makes her first appearance between the second and third period. We pass her in the hall; she barely acknowledges Hanni and completely ignores me. She doesnāt stop walking, just nods at her. Sheās hurtāI can tellābut she doesnāt say anything about it to me.
By the time we get to math class, the fourth period, the day has turned into an exquisite form of torture. I am right there next to her, but I canāt do a thing. As the teacher reduces us to theorems, I must remain silent. I write her a note, as an excuse to touch her shoulder, to pass her some words. But they are inconsequential. They are the words of a guest.
&n
bsp; I want to know if I changed her. I want to know if that day changed her, if only for a day.
I want her to see me, even though I know she canāt.
She joins us at lunch.
As strange as it is to see Hanni again, and to have her measure so well against my memory, it is even stranger to be sitting across from the jerk whose body I inhabited just three days ago. Mirror images do no justice to this sensation. She is more attractive than I thought, but also uglier. Her features are attractive, but what she does with them is not. She wears the superior scowl of someone who can barely hide her feelings of inferiority. Her eyes are full of scattershot anger, She posture one of defensive bravado.
I must have rendered her unrecognizable.
Hanni explains to her who I am, and where I come from. She makes it clear that she couldnāt care less. She tells her she left her wallet at home, so she goes and buys her food. When she gets back to the table with it, she says thanks, and Iām almost disappointed that she does. Because Iām sure that a single thank-you will go a long way in her mind.
I want to know about three days ago, about what she remembers.
āHow far is it to the ocean?ā I ask Hanni.
āItās so funny you should say that,ā she tells me. āWe were just there the other day. It took about an hour or so.ā
I am looking at her, looking again for some recognition. But she just keeps eating.
āDid you have a good time?ā I ask her.
Hanni answers. āIt was amazing.ā
Still no response from her.
I try again. āDid you drive?ā
She looks at me like Iām asking really stupid questions, which I suppose I am.
āYes, I droveā is all sheāll give me.
āWe had such a great time,ā Hanni goes on. And itās making her happyāthe memory is making her happy. Which only makes me sadder.
I should not have come here. I should not have tried this. I should just go.
But I canāt. I am with her. I try to pretend that this is what matters.
I play along.
I donāt want to love her. I donāt want to be in love.
People take loveās continuity for granted, just as they take their bodyās continuity for granted. They donāt realize that the best thing about love is its regular presence. Once you can establish that, itās an added foundation to your life. But if you cannot have that regular presence, you only have the one foundation to support you, always.
She is sitting right next to me. I want to run my finger along her arm. I want to kiss her neck. I want to whisper the truth in her ear.
But instead I watch as she conjugates verbs. I listen as the air is filled with a foreign language, spoken in haphazard bursts. I try to sketch her in my notebook, but I am not an artist, and all that comes out are the wrong shapes, the wrong lines. I cannot hold on to anything thatās her.
The final bell rings. She asks me where Iāve parked, and I know that this is it, this is the end. She is writing her email address on a piece of paper for me. This is goodbye. For all I know, Ahn Yujinās parents have called the police. For all I know, thereās a manhunt going on, an hour away. It is cruel of me, but I donāt care. I want Hanni to ask me to go to a movie, to invite me over to her house, to suggest we drive to the beach. But then Minji appears. Impatient. I donāt know what they are going to do, but I have a bad feeling. She wouldnāt be so insistent if making out werenāt involved.
āWalk me to my car?ā I ask.
She looks at Minji for permission.
āIāll get my car,ā she says.
We have a parking lotās length of time left with each other. I know I need something from her, but Iām not sure what.
āTell me something nobody else knows about you,ā I say.
She looks at me strangely. āWhat?ā
āItās something I always ask peopleātell me something about you that nobody else knows. It doesnāt have to be major. Just something.ā
Now that she gets it, I can tell she likes the challenge of the question, and I like her even more for liking it.
āOkay,ā she says. āWhen I was ten, I tried to pierce my own ear with a sewing needle. I got it halfway through, and then I passed out. Nobody was home, so nobody found me. I just woke up, with this needle halfway in my ear, drops of blood all over my shirt. I pulled the needle out, cleaned up, and never tried it again. It wasnāt until I was fourteen that I went to the mall with my mom and got my ears pierced for real. She had no idea. How about you?ā
There are so many lives to choose from, although I donāt remember most of them.
I also donāt remember whether Ahn Yujin has pierced ears or not, so it wonāt be an ear-piercing memory.
āI stole Judy Blumeās Forever from my sister when I was eight,ā I say. āI figured if it was by the author of Superfudge, it had to be good. Well, I soon realized why she kept it under her bed. Iām not sure I understood it all, but I thought it was unfair that the boy would name his, um, organ, and the girl wouldnāt name hers. So I decided to give mine a name.ā
Hanni is laughing. āWhat was its name?ā
āHelena. I introduced everyone to her at dinner that night. It went over really well.ā
Weāre at my car. Hanni doesnāt know itās my car, but itās the farthest car, so itās not like we can keep walking.
āIt was great to meet you,ā she says. āHopefully, Iāll see you around next year.ā
āYeah,ā I say, āit was great to meet you, too.ā
I thank her about five different ways. Then Minji drives over and honks.
Our time is up.
Ahn Yujinās parents havenāt called the police. They havenāt even gotten home yet. I check the house phoneās voicemail, but the school hasnāt called.
Itās the one lucky thing thatās happened all day.
Day 5998
Something is wrong the minute I wake up the next morning. Something chemical.
Itās barely even morning. This body has slept until noon. Because this body was up late, getting high. And now it wants to be high again. Right away.
Iāve been in the body of a pothead before. Iāve woken up still drunk from the night before. But this is worse. Much worse.
There will be no school for me today. There will be no parents waking me up. I am on my own, in a dirty room, sprawled on a dirty mattress with a blanket that looks like it was stolen from a child. I can hear other people yelling in other rooms of the house.
There comes a time when the body takes over the life. There comes a time when the bodyās urges, the bodyās needs, dictate the life. You have no idea you are giving the body the key. But you hand it over. And then itās in control. You mess with the wiring and the wiring takes charge.
I have only had glimpses of this before. Now I really feel it. I can feel my mind immediately combating the body. But itās not easy. I cannot sense pleasure. I have to cling to the memory of it. I have to cling to the knowledge that I am only here for one day, and I have to make it through.
I try to go back to sleep, but the body wonāt let me. The body is awake now, and it knows what it wants.
I know what I have to do, even though I donāt really know whatās going on. Even though I have not been in this situation before, I have been in situations before where itās been me against the body. I have been ill, seriously ill, and the only thing to do is to power through the day. At first I thought there was something I could do within a single day that could make everything better. But very soon I learned my own limitations. Bodies cannot be changed in a day, especially not when the real mind isnāt in charge.
I donāt want to leave the room. If I leave the room, anything and anyone can happen. Desperately, I look around for something to help me through. There is a decrepit bookshelf, and on it is a selection of old paperbacks. These will save me, I decide. I open up an old thriller and focus on the first line. Darkness had descended on Manassas, Virginia.
ā¦
The body does not want to read. The body is alive with electric barbed wire. The body is telling me there is only one way to fix this, only one way to end the pain, only one way to feel better. The body will kill me if I donāt listen to it. The body is screaming. The body demands its own form of logic.
I read the next sentence.
I lock the door.
I read the third sentence.
The body fights back. My hand shakes. My vision blurs.
I am not sure I have the strength to resist this.
I have to convince myself that Hanni is on the other side. I have to convince myself that this isnāt a pointless life, even though the body is telling me it is.
The body has obliterated its memories in order to hone its argument. There isnāt much for me to access. I must rely on my own memories, the ones that are separate from this.
I must remain separate from this.
I read the next sentence, then the next sentence. I donāt even care about the story. I am moving from word to word, fighting the body from word to word.
Itās not working. The body makes me feel like it wants to defecate and vomit. First in the usual way. Then I feel I want to defecate through my mouth and vomit through the other end. Everything is being mangled. I want to claw at the walls. I want to scream. I want to punch myself repeatedly.
I have to imagine my mind as something physical, something that can control the body. I have to picture my mind holding the body down.
I read another sentence.
Then another.
There is pounding on the door. I scream that Iām reading.
They leave me alone.
I donāt have what they want in this room.
They have what I want outside this room.
I must not leave this room.
I must not let the body out of this room.
I imagine her walking the hallways. I imagine her sitting next to me. I imagine her eyes meeting mine.
Then I imagine her getting in her car, and I stop.
The body is infecting me. I am getting angry. Angry that I am here. Angry that this is my life. Angry that so many things are impossible.
Angry at myself.
Donāt you want it to stop? the body asks.
I must push myself as far away from the body as I can.
Even as Iām in it.
I have to go to the bathroom. I really have to go to the bathroom.
Finally, I pee in a soda bottle. It splashes all over.
But itās better than leaving this room.
If I leave the room, I will not be able to stop the body from getting what it wants.
I am ninety pages into the book. I canāt remember any of it.
Word by word.
The fight is exhausting the body.
I am winning.
It is a mistake to think of the body as a vessel. It is as active as any mind, as any soul. And the more you give yourself to it, the harder your life will be. I have been in the bodies of starvers and purgers, gluttons and addicts. They all think their actions make their lives more desirable. But the body always defeats them in the end.
I just need to make sure the defeat doesnāt take while Iām inside.
I make it to sundown. Two hundred sixty-five pages gone. I am shivering under the filthy blanket. I donāt know if itās the temperature in the room or if itās me.
Almost there, I tell myself.
There is only one way out of this, the body tells me.
At this point, I donāt know if it means drugs or death.
The body might not even care, at this point.
Finally, the body wants to sleep.
I let it.
#Hanni x reader#Hanni Pham#Pham Hanni#Hanni Pham x reader#newjeans#newjeans fanfic#hanni pham#new jeans#nwjns#NewJeans Imagines#Newjeans imagine#Newjean Fanfic#NewJeans Fanfic#newjeans fic#newjeans imagine#Newjeans x reader
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Act 1 Chapter 2 PartĀ 3
Wednesday, January 10th, 2024
āJuicyā¦ā Bianca mumbled as she copied another article about The Satos into a separate document. Bianca got a head start on her new project and she was determined to learn everything and anything she could about this family. She scrolled to the next article.
āCall Out National Guardā: Kenneth Sato Reacts To Women Being Punched In San Myshuno
āCruelā¦ā Bianca saved that article into the āKen Sato ā Meanā folder. Bianca who was so wrapped up in her own investigations she didnāt even notice her boyfriend had made it home.
āYouāre still sitting in the same spot?ā Maverick questioned, hoping that his girlfriend would notice it was a rhetorical question. Ever since she had became unemployed, Bianca had āembracedā the stay at home girlfriend role. She made sure their quaint one bedroom apartment was clean and dinner was always hot and ready.
Maverick quite liked having his girlfriend cook and clean since it reminded him of his parents. Bianca felt like it was just things to do to fill the day until she decided what she wanted to do with her life again.
Bianca glanced at time on the corner of her monitor.
āBabe, Iām sorry, I got so caught up in the project. I didnāt even realize the time."
āYouāve been googling those people since I left the house at noon. I think itās time to step away before you burn your retinas from too much screen time.ā Mav half-heartedly joked.
āDid you know Ken Sato won the Business Man of the Year award for six consecutive years? And Marlene Sato used to be a model. I found old perfume ads of her. Crazy!ā Bianca riddled off facts of the family like a teenaged girl with a crush on the lead singer of a boy band.
āYou know, you should really step away, it sounds like youāre admiring them.ā Maverick said.
āI promise, Iām not admiring them. Iām justā¦ intrigued. Iāve never known of anyone with such a polarizing audience. Most of these articles are so negative but thereās still millions of people who hang off of every word he says.ā Bianca stated. It was true, she even found a Seddit forum dedicated to him named satoKRACK. That forum was a safe haven for sims to discuss all things Sato. Reading through the discussions almost made Ken Sato seem like a saint.
āAnd Iām sure his fans are all mentally deranged like he is.ā Maverick remarked, following his statement with an eyeroll.
āAlso, let me give you a little tip. Donāt get yourself too invested into these people. Theyāre not our family and they sure aināt our friends.ā
āYeah, youāre rightā¦ and I know this but -ā
āThen why donāt you act like it?ā Maverick blurted out.
A moment of silence sat between the couple.
āResearch is the foundation of being a good detective, Maverick. Did you forget that I used to be a police offer and a damn good one?ā Bianca questioned.
āI didnāt forget. I just donāt understand why youāre getting so involved already. We havenāt figured out a game plan on how weāre gonna tackle this case. Actually, we havenāt even met these people. I think you should just relax.ā Maverick said.
āThis is my first case in a long time and the first case that your dad invited me on outside of the force. I donāt want to disappoint him.ā
āI wouldnāt worry about disappointing my dad. Iāve been doing it for 30 years. He probably just invited you to be nice. Just like our family vacation to Selvadorada. He didnāt want you to feel like out. Iām sure my dad remembers you quit the force. We all understand that this workĀ isnātĀ for you. You said that yourself.Ā Remember?ā
Once again, silence introduced itself into the conversation.
Of course Bianca remembered.
She remembered the phone call she received from the Sheriff on her off day.
She remembered how weird it felt to walk into the station unarmed and in civilian clothes.
She remembered how it took everything in her to not cry in front of the force when she turned in her badge.
She remembered the disappointment on his face and the whispers from the other officers.
She remembered leaving the station and staring at Squad Car 213, knowing that if she was ever in the car, it would only be in the back seat.
She remembered it well.
How could she forget?
The couple ended the conversation with a silence that spoke volumes. The not so gentle reminder of being a disappointment forced Bianca under her covers as she tried to escape it. Yet, this new unsolicited third presence sat on Biancaās chest as tears glued her eyelashes together like bubblegum on the bottom of a shoe, until she fell into a slumber.
Unlike his girlfriend, Maverick was able to wash away the slight discomfort with warm water and a bar soap.
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#ts4#simblr#the sims 4#the sims#ts4 story#simslit#s4#sts#sweeter than sin#bianca sweet#maverick olivares
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WIP Docs Game
I had to google it to figure it out lol. Thank you @somnambulic-thing, you absolutely may! āØ
This was the first Eddie fic that I wrote way back when the boy first barreled into our lives (It was just for @storiesbyrhi to read). It was supposed to be a series featuring Henderson!reader, in which you volunteer to take (an alive) Eddie post-S4 as far away from Hawkins as possible while everything gets sorted out.
You barely know Eddie, but you've promised Dustin you'll look after him and you do so on a road trip that gets more intimate with each passing border. Each chapter was going to be based on a song from your road trip soundtrack.
You can just have the whole first draft if you want š¤·š»āāļø I don't have plans to finish it though, I really lost steam immediately after the first chapter.
CHAPTER 1: THE KILLING MOON
āAre you sure?ā
You threw your bag into the back of the beat-up compact car starting to get a little irritated by Eddieās persistence. Looking over the roof of the car however, your irritation dissipated as you clocked the worried look in his dark brown eyes. This was a lot to ask of someone whoād only really known him for a couple of weeks. It wouldāve been a lot to ask of someone heād known his whole life.
āIt would be a bit awkward going back now after saying a heartfelt goodbye to everyone, Munson.ā
Eddie looked down, hands in his pockets, kicking the dirt around him.
āI promised Dustin Iād keep you safe, Eddie.ā You stretched your arms across the roof of the car. āBesides, Iād rather be going on a road trip than going up against an evil Wizard in the underworldā¦or whatever.ā
āI donāt think being on the run from the law counts as a road trip.ā Eddie rested his elbows on the car opposite you, leaning his head on his closed fist.
āWeāre not running Eddie.ā He winced at that. āWeāre just not letting those small-minded hicks win.ā Eddie perked up, smirking. āPlus, Iāve got a shit tonne of snacks and some killer tapes to soundtrack our little cross-country trek. Now that to me, Eddie Munson,ā you opened the door to the driverās seat, āsounds like the start of an epic road trip.ā
He liked how youād always say his name when talking to him. Not in the same distain or hushed judgmental tone he was used to. Sometimes irritated, or worried, but mostly softly. It never failed to make his stomach flip.
You both settled into the car, buckling seat belts, Eddieās leg bouncing like crazy as you adjusted the rear-view mirror.
āYou think your brotherās jealous he doesnāt get to come?ā Eddie chuckled trying to distract himself from fidgeting too much.
You looked over at him with a smile, one hand on the steering wheel as you turned the keys in the ignition. āI think heād be kicking himself if he didnāt get to show off that big brain of his with a brilliant plan to save the world.ā Eddie nodded, smiling. āAlso, youāve never been trapped in a small space with Dustin for an extended period of time. Trust meā¦itās better this way.ā He cackled at that as you pulled out of the trailer park.
This was it. No turning back now. You were officially on the run with a fugitive. Terrifying yes, but it was to keep Eddie safeā¦for Dustin, of course.
Eddie began rummaging through the tapes youād brought. Curiosity written across his face, smiling to himself when he recognised names that surprised him, like The Ramones, Iggy Pop or The Smiths (actually that one he totally wouldāve guessed).
You stared straight at the road, hands tight around the wheel. Trying to ignore the little voice in your head that was asking if youād be doing the same thing for Steve.
āEcho & the Bunnymen?ā
You looked over at Eddie, his eyebrow raised in confusion.
āWhat does that even mean?ā
āPut it on and youāll find outā you smiled.
***
You never really had a plan in place. You knew you needed to get as far away from Hawkins as possible, and that staying in one place for too long probably wasnāt a good idea. Going further South definitely wasnāt an option, even with Eddie in relatively plain clothes. He wouldnāt stand a chance with that hair.
You thought Chicago could be cool and Eddie agreed, so North-West you went.
For the first hour neither of you spoke much. You focussed on the road while Eddie picked out music, both of you too nervous to carry the conversation. As Eddie moved to put on another of your tapes, you spoke up.
āYou can put on your own music you know.ā You hadnāt exactly seen what Eddie had packed in his getaway bag, but you were sure he didnāt leave his beloved metal behind.
āI donāt think youāll like my stuff,ā Eddie shook his head.
āMaybe not. But Iāve never really tried listening to metal, and itās only fair if we take in turns,ā you shrugged.
Eddie bit his bottom lip, āTrust me sweetheart, if life were fair you wouldnāt be facing endless highways sat next to the town freak.ā Eddies hands moved in the air theatrically as he talked, his rings catching the light and your attention from the corner of your eye. āYou deserve pick of the tunesā¦you deserve much more.ā Eddie mumbled the last bit, but you still caught it.
You sighed, āFine. Then I pick the Dio album.ā
Eddie smirked, āThe Dio album?ā
āYeah,ā you waved vaguely over at Eddie, āyou know the one on the back of your jacket, which by the way Steve was totally reluctant to give back to you. Iām pretty sure his mum still picks out most of his clothes.ā
Eddie snickered, āWell Iāve got all three, but this oneās my favourite.ā He held up a tape decorated in a detailed scene of a demon like creature set against a sky not unlike that of Hawkinsā currently.
āWell pop her in.ā
āAre you sure?ā
āTeach me the way of the metal head, Munson.ā you deadpanned. āWeāve come this far you may as well ruin me.ā
Eddieās mouth turned up in disbelief, staring at you for far too long before fumbling with the cassette and sliding it into the dashboard.
You were glad the light was starting to fade, hopefully the redness burning your cheeks wasnāt that noticeable. What the fuck was that? Ruin you?!!
You told Eddie you wanted him to explain every song and what it meant to him, so he did. Bouncing in his seat as his hands whipped around wildly. āOoh ooh listen to this part, itās so fucking good,ā as he drummed on the dashboard. āWait for iiitā hands shredding an imaginary guitar when the solo peaked. You laughed and nodded along, encouraging the theatrics, the initial awkward silence now long forgotten as you drove past forests thick with pine trees.
Darkness loomed, threatening to seep into the small car with thoughts of what you were both leaving behind and possibly even worse, what might be chasing you. But the laughter and music kept it from reaching its way in. To the outside world, you were just two friends on route to an unknown destination, car full of snacks and good music. For now, anyway.
#is this entirely too much?#I'm sorry#eddie munson fanfic#eddie munson x you#eddie munson x reader#wip game#she writes
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Well, it's been a crazy week. My headphones died on Monday - well, I didn't have to be back at work until Wednesday, so no big deal, right? I ordered another pair from Amazon and got one-day delivery so they would arrive before I needed them. Except Amazon kept not delivering them repeatedly claiming that they didn't have access. Eventually I just ordered headphones from Bose on my sister's recommendation, cancelled the Amazon order, and went to get a shitty pair from Walgreens to use before they arrived. When I got in my car to go to Walgreens, the battery was dead, so I walked to Walgreens and then had to have the car jumped on Friday, and finally, today, I have a great and also working pair of headphones and a brand new car battery and I've spent $500 and hopefully there will be a span of time where things stop going wrong and I can actually get stuff done
The package room was just as full of Amazon packages as it always has been when I went to pick up my Bose headphones, by the way. Still no idea what the fuck Amazon's problem was this time
Also, after I got the new car battery put in, the guy who installed it called me to tell me he needed me to come back to the store because he'd left his phone under my hood. It was fine, fortunately
Also I had a dream that bears went extinct and the Wikipedia article about bears was edited to be entirely in the past tense. I woke up mid-dream because my alarm went off, and then I was like, oh, it's Saturday, I don't actually have to be up, and just turned off the alarm and took my phone to bed with me. I was like half awake and I was like, "wait, I think bears might not be extinct actually, I have to check the Wikipedia article" but I forgot the naming conventions for Wikipedia articles or how to find them on google, so I just typed "bears" in google and got a lot of results about the Chicago Bears. I was like, "not those bears" and tried "bear bears" instead and got results about this show. I don't remember anything else but I must have figured it out eventually, because when I woke up for real a couple hours later the Wikipedia article about bears was open on my phone. This is not the first time I've sleep-googled stuff when my phone is in bed with me, maybe I'm lucky that I didn't vandalize Wikipedia in my sleep to say that bears were extinct
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GET TO KNOW YOUR ADMIN !!
name ā Bryn
pronouns ā She/Her.
preferred comms ā Discord for sure! I'm on Discord basically all the time and I try to be pretty responsive to things. If you unlock the secret friendship tier, I will also bother you with memes/ship inspo/random conversation/etc. but even if you don't want that, it's got a big window and a search bar so it is infinitely better for plotting than anything else. That said, I do tumblr IMs too, if necessary.
name of muse ā quickdeaths.tumblr.com/muses there's a lot of them take your pick
experience in RP ā I started out 17-18 years ago on the forums for a D&D webcomic. Eventually I checked out of that scene, bounced around LiveJournal, had a cup of coffee in Gaia Online, and then came to Tumblr around 2012ish. Was pretty off-and-on here until 2015, and I've been part of the furniture here ever since. I've done a few things on Discord and through Google Docs since, but I think for better or worse, I'm just Here Now.
best experiences ā Meeting my girlfriend will always be #1! We met here on tumblr and even though she doesn't RP as much anymore, I'm always going to be thankful for the things we wrote, and how RPing together helped us become friends, and then girlfriends. After that, all the things I've done with people that were long-term and plotted, with mutual investment. I've been doing this long enough now that even people who've left or who I fell out with, I still have a lot of fondness for those stories, as well as the long-term stories I'm doing now.
pet peeves / dealbreakers ā The number one ultimate pet peeve for me is people dropping threads without personally notifying their partners. Not everyone lurks on dash, and it's easy to miss posts, and when people say things like 'gonna drop some of my drafts,' it's easy to feel like you've been put in a limbo state. Hiatuses are one thing but dropped threads like that just drive me crazy. Super long wait times on replies (I'm talking like, consistently 2-3 months or more) are rough for me too. Lack of communication as well, especially when it comes to choosing a muse(s) to write with.
muse preference ( fluff, angst, smut ) ā Angst > fluff > smut for me. I'm an angsty bitch and I love the drama. I like drilling down into character flaws and weaknesses and forcing them to Go Through It and confront things they don't super want to confront, so I'll probably never get tired of writing angsty stuff. I like fluffy stuff too, but a bit more sparingly just because sometimes I think it can get a little circular. Smut... to be honest, I'm not against writing it if a plot calls for it and it makes sense for characters but I've had a handful of rough experiences in the past with people, and it's an area where I'm not very confident as a writer. You will never see a spicy sideblog from me though, I will simply put it on dash like a shameless heathen.
plot or memes ā plots plots plots. Honestly, I would never do memes at all if it weren't The Culture here on tumblr. I never know who to send for, or from, when it comes to multimuses, I worry that the ideas aren't interesting and can't sustain long replies, and they don't usually inspire me. Plotting is great because you can figure out a dynamic, whether there's any preexisting knowledge, maybe a general direction you want things to go, etc. Almost everything I've loved doing has come from plots, but I'll still be offering both forever.
long or short replies ā have you seen my blog i should be locked up and the key thrown away. I have lost the ability to write a reply under 5 paragraphs and with Certain People Who Know Who They Are I get up to like 8, 10, 12, occasionally some deeply unhinged 33 paragraph drabbles. I don't even have a good excuse really, it's just what feels comfortable for me to write. It lets me do all the inner world stuff that I use to round out my characters in a scene and contextualize them, while still (hopefully) having enough action and dialogue to respond to.
best time to write ā It depends. Late afternoon/early evening is probably best, but later evening is fine too. Sometimes I will start a Particularly Ambitious Reply late late late and get too tired to finish it, and then finish it when I get up in the morning, and that seems to work for me too.
are you like your muse ā Not really, I don't think? Although I guess that's for other people to judge. I try to give all my muses traits that I can relate to on some level, or at least one thing that feels connective between us, but I honestly think I'm too boring to be a very good RP character. I think Rio is probably the character I'm most similar to, but even then, I think it's more superficial similarities like hobbies than much else.
Tagged by: @more-than-a-princess Tagging: i will fill this in later, if you are seeing this post then i forgot to fill it in and that means it is a runabout, you can steal it, no one will ever know
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I just want to write my story
This is about how I came across MordeTwi and how it became one of my obsessions. It's kinda funny to look back to because I never really cared about Regular Show back then and I was one of those people who avoided MLP like it was the plague.
The first time I encountered a redraw of the Airplanes meme was actually in the year 2020, when I was browsing the Comics & Cartoons board of 4chan.
It was a "Barney Bait" thread, this was the thread's thumbnail. I had no strong reaction to this image, nor thought to figure out the context for its creation. I wasn't fully aware about the ship yet at this point, I just assumed this image was a commission and not part of a greater cultural phenomenon. Okay, I'll admit: this was also during the time I was in a phase where I irrationally hate Regular Show and what it stands for (I believe the Simp meme was popular at this point too), and when I looked at this image then, I swear I was like "Heh. Mordecai is being partnered up with some random pony." (I didn't know at the time that Twilight is also a main protagonist like he is lol)
Jump forward to more or less a year later, I was binge watching Jabroni Mike's stream VODs. One video in particular has Frederick Knudsen as a guest, and it was about AI generated images (this was back when Dall-E wasn't a thing yet, I think). One of the prompts was the lyrics of Airplanes, and at some point Fred had to bring up MordeTwi because Mike had no idea what's going on. That one fateful second... Fred shared the original Airplanes drawing (Mike showing it to us thru OBS), and that's when it hit me...
"Hey, this image looks familiar. Hmm... A meme. And it involves Mordecai and MLP..."
I had to pause the video but it only took me seconds to remember that 4chan thread. This was also the first time I learned of the pony's name ā Twilight Sparkle. "Ah. I know my search term now, thanks Fred!"
Google: mordecai x twilight sparkle
This was when the Airplanes meme was still just about to blow up into mainstream popularity (re: resurge as a trend big time). Searching MordeTwi during this time was better since you got to see more of the older stuff that wasn't to do with the redraw trend or the Airplanes meme in general. At the same time I was deep diving in this search, I was also looking at my browser history trying to rediscover that 4chan thread to make sure I wasn't going crazy (actually, I had to look it up through an archive, e.g. Desu Archive).
I learned a few things that day:
1, Mordecai x Twilight Sparkle was a thing for a long time
2, the ship itself did not stem from the original meme image ā which there's a trend over it ā but alot of people don't seem to know that
3, there was a trend back in 2020 to "redraw MordeTwi"
4, there was an ongoing trend to make content related to: A, the ship, or B, the meme based on the ship.
There's just something about this pairing, it just... stuck to my head. Like, it's some kind of cosmic horror ā they're bound together one way or another, their pairing is inevitable, and your mind just won't quiet about it. But there's something else I learned about MordeTwi in those early times: the original shippers of this pairing were kind of the underdogs. This was a full on fanbase too, I must add, with a fan club. Just a few days in for their existence and they were already getting hate sent their way; they were misunderstood ā though granted, they didn't have a FAQ section to clear things up, until two years after their club was founded.
Suffice it to say: learning about this ship ā how its' fans/creators got treated over time, and how it was perceived overall... that got me rooting for MordeTwi. It's a pity that MordeTwi is mostly seen these as "that fake ship/joke pairing that a nine-year-old made up out of nowhere".
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im in kakariko and WAH koko and cottla still pray to their mom every day and their dad joins them...but they can't get to the actual cemetery bc of the ruins >:( and "rpincess zelda" said not to go near them. it is driving me crazy that i cant so this quest!!
i googled and apparently this quest involves the business with the Fifth Sage so i have to hold off for now :/ SUUUUCKS gonna collect some korok seeds and then find something else to do
oh wow that interactive map got a BIG upgrade. i can just ask it where certain items are now lol
I FOUND? THEIR MOMS? JOURNAL??? oh my god in the kakariko well.......
she had a garden down here š she lists all their favorite foods......
theres a korok seed at the cemetery, so i went the long way around and left a silent princess for her. i'm gonna come back and get the rest later when the main quest takes me here
i knew there'd have to be a fifth sage, but a whole quest AND dungeon...that's pretty amazing!! i wonder if we get a 5th companion...zelda as a ghost companion would be SICK but i know nintendo would Never
ive decided to attempt to investigate the faron thunderstorm. wish me luck
THUNDERHEAD ISLES.......this is so cool. i can't see shit <3
also all of my bows & weapons rn are metal...oops lol
whoooa the music here.........
when i say i cant see shit i mean i REALLY. cant see shit. even the depths is better than this, at least there you can use brightbloom seeds
i found a flux construct but i CANT SEE LOL and i dont have any nonmetal weapons worth any damage...im doing it blind while only switching to goo weapons when im actually attacking sdlfjghsdfjkg girl HELLLP
GOT HIMMMMM wow im a BEAST
i used the shadows and the LAST of my stamina to make it to ??? dragonhead island ??? WHICH I STILL CAN'T SEE
there's gotta be some trick to clearing or navigating the storm but i dont wanna google it in case its like...THE SIXTH SAGE,
FUCK IT LITERALLY IS A FITH SAGE THING I HATE THIS GAME LOL
ok. fucking hell. im leaving. is there ANYTHING interesting im allowed to do rn. jesus
from now on im just going to assume that if i suddenly hear cool music im not supposed to be here.
landed in the horse god lake and caught that big stallion. named it yeto in honor of the big white abominable snowman in tp salute emoji
this well has a bubbulfrog inside it ??????
where the FUCK am i going theres a whole ass cave system down here
another ancient blade.......
KOMO SHORELINE? what in GODS NAME
fine ok i can work with this. jesus.
actually no i can't. it's raining and i don't want to climb all this shit nor do i want to tangle with electric lizalfos. i swear to god
ok. back to the stable.
oh flute boy!! i forgot about him. i guess he must be part of the band. luckily this time i have his fireflies...
AWWW the glowing tree was so cute and pretty
ok, feeling more prepared for komo shoreline now. luckily there's not much here anyway...
PHANTOM HELMET. NICE
NO!!!!!! a fucking BLOOD MOON while i was attacking this electric lizalfos camp!!! COME ONNNNN
i survived but god one of the lizalfos got glitched and there WASN'T. even a treasure chest over here. good fucking lord
i found my first above-ground lynel......and it's silver. this is what i get for waiting so long to seek them out...
omg my ancient arrow sent him to eeby deeby. im reloading tho idw waste it on that
okay so. he is hitting, very, hard,
i can't climb a tree either cuz he can Get me
okay. well! i died. clearly outmatched. i need.........better armor. i am so TIIIIRRRED of getting my ass kicked!!!!
for better or worse i'm in the chasm on the island next to hyrule castle. i figure it's probably an isolated place since. yk. island. reeeally wish i could find a lightroot tho
A FROX....SICK
blue-white frox. less sick. im gonna die again :(
omg i GOT HIM!!! n*ce
i cheated and peeked at the map...theres literally nothing else down here lmao not even a lightroot. im gonna go...somewhere else!! but later. i have to take a break now for food chores etc ive been playing for hours
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I fulfilled a dream of mine since I was 12 years old: I went to a Love Live! Idol concert! These concerts are directly tied to the anime, Love Live! Thereās 1: Love Live! 2: Love Live! Sunshine! 3: Love Live! Nijigasaki High School Idol Club, and 4: Love Live! Superstars!
I had the chance to see the most recent group: Liella! (You have to include the exclamation point it is practically part of their title.) They are from the Love Live! Superstar! Anime.
There are 9 girls in Liella!, though when they started up in 2021 there was only 5 girls (I was in a cosplay group for it.) Having only been around since 2021, meaning they started up after Covid, it was extremely impressive to me that this was there 3rd tour as an idol group.
To start, getting the tickets to this show was EXTRAORDINARILY DIFFICULT. If I didnāt have several friends who are pretty adept at Japanese around me, I simply would not have been able to get these tickets. Filling out the online form was impossible if you allowed Google to translate the page cause it screwed up the software and did not allow you to input things like your name. Oh my god, the name section. They did not like my foreign name. I had to scramble to figure out how to write my name in Hirigana, Katakana, AND Kanji. All of which were rejected several times so I honestly have no idea what name they have for me on file now since it is probably not even close to my actual name. Once I finally got passed just the name and address section, I was prompted to input my credit card. Fine and good, I have a Travel credit card! . . . Rejected. Try a different card. Rejected. FINE. Luckily there was a selection to get a little QR code and pay for the ticket at a conbini (I chose 7/11, since it was right next door to the university.) I should also note the ticket was pretty expensive at Ā„10,000 plus a Ā„550 fee. So Iām total around $90. Hell, I was willing to pay way more if I needed to.
After what felt like hours (because it WAS hours), I got the alert that I had successfully reserved a ticket. And not going to lie, I teared up and screamed and jumped around like a crazy person. Love Live! Concerts were a pipe dream for me, something I genuinely never thought I would be able to experience in person (mostly because they refuse to go to the US at ALL) especially since these concerts sell out months in advance. The fact that I was able to get a ticket a WEEK before the concert is still mind boggling.
Okay so Iām in. Here we go! Or! So I thought! Turns out you cannot download the ticket normally, you have to get a specific app for it. And guess what? If you donāt have a Japanese Apple ID, then you simply cannot get the app. So I had to create a whole new Apple ID just to view my ticket. Infuriating.
Okay NOW letās go. The concert was about an hour away from my dorm by train, and the concert started at ā¦ 5:30 in the afternoon. Very odd for me, who is used to concerts not starting until closer to 7 or 8 or later, but in Japan concerts start early cause the trains close early. Fair enough. After agonizing all week over what to wear I finally decide on an adorable butterfly dress my best friend and lovely roommate Ash made for me.
Since I did not know Japanese concert etiquette, I showed up at the venue (The Musashino Sports Arena) at around 4, to give myself some time to orient myself with the space. Well as it turns out, everyone has gotten there probably HOURS prior. People were queued up down every staircase and walkway I could see, and all of the merchandise was sold out (much to my dismay). I was not surprised to see most of the fans present were men, though I will admit I was a bit disappointed. But the women who did come showed up and showed Out! All of them were dressed adorably, so I was very thankful of the dress I chose to wear.
Getting into the venue was a whole different beast. Thank goodness for a Taiwanese foreigner who spoke English and found me, because without him I donāt know if I would have made it inside. As it turns out, the ticket I purchased looked wildly different than everyone elseās. Everyone around me had a special page for an ID confirmation . . . I did not. The lovely young man helped usher a worker over and I was shepherded away though the crowds to more workers, who spoke quickly to each other and looked at my phone and eventually just .. let me in. Iām sure it was because my ticket was valid but thereās a piece of me that wonders if itās because I just looked so scared.
Once inside it was pretty easy to find my seat (in the WAY top in the WAY back, cause I probably got one of the last tickets available). One quick thing I noted: there were signs everywhere saying :
NO PHOTOS
No cheering
No dancing
Pretty much no making a ruckusā¦at a concert. As a person who goes to concerts to scream sing, this was very disconcerting. So I snuck a few quick photos before the concert began, and once the concert actually started, there were attendants at the top and bottom of EVERY aisle, watching to make sure you didnāt take any photos. It was kinda insane.
There were my super sneaky before show photos. The stage was remarkable: HUGE and two pieces (the main stage and a catwalk to a center circular stage.) and surrounded by massive LED screens that displayed all sorts of stuff, like the idols and their corresponding symbols, or pulsing all sorts of lights and colors, showing clips from the anime ā¦ it was quite the spectacle.
Where I was (you know, way top way back), everyone in my section would remain standing for as long as the girls were performing, then as soon as they stepped off stage and an interlude would play (clips from the anime) they would sit back and catch their breath. I guess ? Nobody was cheering. No one was singing. The most noise people made was laughing at certain points and clapping quite politely. It was really unnerving. What they DID do, however, was every audience member (I meanā¦except me and the girl next to me) had a light blade, which glowed different colors depending on who was singing or whatever idol the holder was a fan of. I managed to get one after the concert;
This was the only thing people in the audience would do, flash their light blades in different colors and kind of copy the dance moves the idols would do, as much as you could with just your arms. It was SO bizarre for me. Since I didnāt have a light blade, I opted for sort ofā¦fistpumping along with everyoneās light blades. Well it wasnāt all a busy, since I had my Apple Watch on that has a flashlight feature. Some of the idols actually seemed to notice this when they were parading around the arena in their special carts: I definitely got waved to and specifically pointed at a few times. It might be because I was the only white person there, but Iāll take it.
I cried a lot. Like , a LOT. The idols came on stage and I could not stop hiccuping and crying for the first 20 minutes. Luckily for me, the concert lasted for 3 HOURS. The girls had 7 costume changes! (7!!!!! What!!!)
I wish I could have taken photos or videos, this show was so visually spectacular. It fulfilled all of my little Idol heart dreams, and I cannot even express how happy I was the entire concert. It definitely set in stone how much I WISH THE US HAD IDOLS CAUSE I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO BE AN IDOL LIKE THEM.
For now, I will find that fulfillment in the Idol Cosplay group I am in (we do dance covers of the Love Live! Idol songs in full cosplay. Itās super fun. Iāll include a picture of us in cosplay at the bottom š Iām in the back in the grey wig with the blue skirt)
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THURSDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2020 On with my last entry for the year. A year that was shitty for the world in general but ended up working out well for us.
I figured that if weāre going to have to wear a mask for a while longer, I might as well do it in style. So I ordered a light pink mask with rhinestones and a multicolored sequin mask.
Just finished a suspense book by Cole Baxter about a crazy old lady. Now Iām reading a kidnapping mystery by Gillian Jackson.
I guess this is going to be it for the year because there really isnāt anything else to update on.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2020 As our upcoming move gets closer, I get a little more emotional. In a good way, of course. I started packing up some more shit but most of whatās left has to wait until the very end since we still have to live our lives while weāre here.
Soon enough weāll be one of those annoying planes flying over this place. Theyāve been an on-and-off thing as usual. For three days they were annoying as fuck but I havenāt heard them today. Just some small planes.
We talked some more and weāre very likely to start off in the middle of the state where the space rent is cheaper. The place will probably be kind of dumpy and might not even have a pool but this way we have a chance to get grounded, get a feel for the place, how the climate affects me, and then decide whether or not to head for the coast or get some land. It would be nice to have another park to compare this one to even though Iām guessing some things will be the same such as loud vehicles and power tools. Hopefully, we wonāt hear it as much if we can get into a smaller park on a less-traveled street.
My chocolate chip cookie incense smells great. Itās mild but definitely great smelling.
My book was not pirated. I forgot that when I joined Smashwords nearly a decade ago they were affiliated with Scribd. I also forgot that I had two different Smashwords accounts. I was confused as hell when I logged into one of the accounts and found that nothing was published there. I had Renting Ginny published for a while but removed it because I barely made a few bucks after a long time. Turns out the account Evil was on was under an email address I no longer have. But I finally got ahold of someone on both sites and someone on Smashwords told me they contacted Scribd with a removal request. So hopefully they will honor that request! If not, then I guess the story will just sit there.
Iām glad I used my middle name when I made the mistake of publishing stuff since I donāt think most people would think to Google me with my middle name included. When I Google my first and last name, nothing comes up. Itās only when I Google my full name that links to Goodreads and anything connected to my book comes up. Iām going to put myself on as much of an āinternet lockdownā as I can during the move in case anyone we may get a place from decides to Google me and might not like what they find. I donāt know what might come up with a paid search but I wouldnāt think anybody would be that curious so Iām not worried about it.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2020 It just occurred to me that I didnāt hear from Scribd yesterday. It could be due to the holidays, but I really doubt Iām going to hear back from them. The question is whether or not to take some other course of action or just let it go. Iāll probably just let it go since whoever/whatever is behind it canāt be making any more money than I did and that certainly wasnāt much. Itās just that it reminds me of how Iāve always felt that Iām not only not meant to make money but meant to be a profit to others. Oh well. Still canāt be much of a profit. If it isnāt a screw-up between sites and if it isnāt a random person, funny how the black bitch in Arizona is the first person to come to mind where thatās concerned. But would she be that sophisticated enough to pull it off? Would she be that stupid? Perhaps out of anger and the frustration of not being able to legally screw me again like she tried to do 9 years ago, she would. Donāt know if she would have come up with the idea on her own or set it up on her own, though, if she did have anything to do with it. But Iām sure she would get a real kick out of the thought of making whatever she could off of me at my expense.
I read online that applying ACV to AKs was recommended so Iām trying it on what I suspect is Bowenās. Doubt it will do me any good, but it canāt hurt to try.
I was going to work on all three stories at once and then edit them when I was out of ideas but thatās easier said than done so Iāll finish the story I started last month before I tackle the others.
Guess Iāve gone from writing suspense that deals with obsession to suspense that deals with revenge! Letās just say it can be kind of therapeutic depending on who the characters are. :-)
Some of them have been showing up in my dreams, like Termite Tammy. I killed her by kicking her really hard in the head only her blood ran dirt brown instead of red. I panicked soon afterward, realizing my fingerprints and other trace evidence would likely be found.
I left a message on Ruthās wall yesterday. As in Martyās wife. Her last update was in 2018 and I realize she could be dead since she would be in her 80s now. I looked and couldnāt find a grave or an obit on Marty, so if there isnāt one on him, there may not be one on her. Right or wrong, I acted as if she messaged me trying to apologize and work things out and I told her she had decades to do that, gossips too much, judges people by their past, was too judgmental, and that while I wish her the best it was too late.
I guess it was a convenient way to express how I felt albeit a bit of a dishonest one. Iām curious to see if anyone ever discovers it but I have a feeling they wonāt. I guess the account has been abandoned. But maybe not. There are no visible posts between 2015 and 2018. So maybe sheās just taking a little hiatus.
When I got up, I found a message waiting for me from Becky. She decided to look for Mary Bernadette S from Valleyhead who went by Bernadette. She found the nearly 6 ft black woman in the form of an obituary from 2016. She died at age 48 and Becky is devastated. I guess they were closer than I realized. Bernadette and I werenāt close although we were enemies either.
So she died just in time to spare herself from the hell called perimenopause. But WHY??? I hate that most obits donāt tell you how a person died.
The Termite Tammy dream wasnāt the only dream I had last night. It seems that many people from my past came marching in one by one. Lots of Andy dreams lately, although Iām not sure why. I do miss him at times, but I could never resume our friendship. He is who he is, and I am who I am. Besides, itās become a hard rule of mine not to do do-overs. You step out of my life or I put you out of it, you stay out of it.
Anyway, I donāt remember what he, Nane or Maliheh did in my dreams but I remember Molly even though it didnāt make much sense. She pointed to a bright orange-pink fleece blanket and said, āIsnāt that your blanket?ā
I glanced over to where she was pointing and I was relieved to see that it was. I guess I lost some things or was worried someone had stolen them. I also had a feeling that Molly was hiding something and not being totally honest with me, but just like in real life, I kept my suspicions to myself preferring not to let people know that I know, am aware of, and notice more things than they realize.
Next, I offered her some old dolls I didnāt want, hoping she would take them off my hands. She did and I hugged her more because I was grateful for her making things easier on me than anything else. Her shoulders felt slender as we embraced.
Then there was something about me being chased by a dog, threatening its owner, and someone who was universally hated winning tons of money. Then Tom and I were seated at a long dining table with about a dozen other people in the room. He surprised me by defending me to them, saying that the person who won money was accused of doing the same thing I had to spend 24 hours in jail for.
āI had to spend a lot more than that,ā I snorted.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2020 Sometimes I feel just as pissed or at least irritated with myself as I do with those that have given me a hard time in one way or another throughout my life. I just feel like I could have done more to prevent it, like I should have seen the warning signs, not been so niceā¦ That sort of thing. So itās like I blame them for screwing me and then I blame myself for how I handled them. But whatās done is done and oh how I have learned from it!
Once again Aly is saying that I, perhaps unknowingly or unintentionally, make her feel put in the middle when I bring up Kim or Molly and thatās why sheās been holding back on things she could tell me about them. Expressing my opinion doesnāt mean Iām trying to put anyone in the middle or persuade someone to go in a particular direction, but fine. She never has to discuss anything she doesnāt want to.
But how does she think I feel over the fact that she wonāt give me her address, Iāve never seen a picture of her with Cam, and I donāt even know the guyās last name? Itās hard for me to believe this is simply about her having doubts as to whether or not the relationship will last. Sheās hiding something. Sheās either afraid Iāll use the info against her somehow should I get pissed at her or Cam doesnāt exist.
Iām starting to feel like sheās complaining about me a little more lately and like Iām just not good enough in some ways even though she recently told me she always values our friendship. But first it was what I said in regard to Cam losing his cat, then she tweeted on her other account that I butt in unnecessarily, and a few other little things that are starting to add up and get to me. Is she trying to pick a fight with me or something? Well, I donāt āfightā anymore. I either get along with people or I donāt have anything to do with them. The only ones that will eventually hear from me one last time are the termites. I mean, of course I would contact more than just them if Tom died suddenly and unexpectedly and I was about to kill myself but I donāt bother to troll or fight with people like I used to.
Anyway, I told her she never has to bring up anything she doesnāt want to even though I would never insist she hold back on anything and I wonāt bring up as much either. The less open someone is with me, the less Iām open with them. Not by design but I naturally canāt help but be more open if someoneās open with me and less open if someoneās not so open with me. Itās just how I am and a natural instinct of mine. In the end, Kim and Molly (I know sheās not done with Molly forever) are her friends so itās not like Iām dying to hear about them.
I discovered something by accident as is how I usually find things be it objects or information. While I still think the smaller spot on my leg is the actinic keratosis (AK) I had on my arm and back, the big red patch may very well be Bowenās disease. The good news is that even though itās considered pre-invasive it seems just as treatable as AK and just as unlikely to invade deeper tissues of the skin and spread to other parts of the body. Doesnāt seem like anything that canāt wait until my April appointment. I just hope she can spray it with liquid nitrogen as she did with the AKs. Sometimes they have to scrape the skin.
I missed my wine after taking a break from it and just wanted to get out and also get a sweet treat, so we masked up and headed to Rite Aid yesterday morning. Armed with Moscato and a Milky Way bar, Tom suggested checking out the Christmas aisle before we left where everything was on clearance, and we found a couple of cute things for just $2.50 each. A color-changing glitter lamp that sort of reminds one of a lava lamp. The glitter is in a watery gel so that it stays afloat longer when you shake it.
Also got a cute doll called Emily with auburn braids and brown eyes. She wears pink and purple, my favorite colors.
The Mac was sluggish and I was having trouble clicking and dragging puzzle pieces during my puzzle walks, as I call them, so he upgraded it to Big Sur.
As we agree, zone minutes are more important than step counts and active minutes so Iām making sure to get those. Thatās usually simple enough as long as Iām not tired. In fact, I usually get more than the daily recommendation.
As funny as this may sound, the quantity of my food intake seems to matter more than calories or what I eat. I rarely bother to count calories but I definitely pay attention to what I eat now that Iām getting older and make sure that 5-6 days a week I eat healthily. But itās true that quantity really does seem to matter most for me. I think I would be more likely to gain weight on larger servings of fish and veggies than I would on just a few bites of high-calorie crap.
As 2021 approaches, we chatted excitedly about the possibilities that await us next year like how weāre going to go out of here and a big part of it is going to depend on who the house goes to. If we knew in advance exactly when we had to be out of here, it would be easier to get plane tickets and also control where we sit on the plane. But if we have to go about things the traditional way and deal with the escrow and not know exactly whatās closing when and what we need to sign when until the last minute, then it might be too expensive to fly since we couldnāt get the tickets in advance.
Time will tell if my vibes and dreams mean anything but despite having a pretty good accuracy rate, I have to assume theyāre just dreams and guesses until and if I see otherwise.
I doubt the dream I had last night meant anything since I would never want to live on a beach. Close to a body of water, yes, but not on the beach. Yet in the dream, we had a circular bedroom that was mostly surrounded by a popular beach and I wondered how I would sleep during the winter when all the snowbirds crowded the beach right outside the wall of the bedroom. I then remembered our soundproofing plans and hoped they would work out!
The only other dream I remember was going to a male doctor that turned out to be a joke for some reason. So I went back to a doctor I was familiar with who told me my OH was causing my eyes to bulge at the sides and a little in front too. I asked her if my eyes could possibly pop out of my head and she had this dubious expression as if to say that yeah, they could. LOL
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2020 Only I could gain a pound on a diet but then again I didnāt exactly ādietā yesterday. I had a little more than usual plus a candy bar. Also, I crashed early and got up earlier than yesterday. Nothing I didnāt expect to happen, though. I knew my body would go into reset mode no matter what I did. Besides, if this was that easy, everyone would be doing it. It takes a lot of hunger and deprivation to lose weight which is why most people donāt. But Iām going to continue eating three full meals a day because it agrees with my tummy and keeps me from getting carried away. Been having a bit more processed stuff than I should too, so Iāll have to cut that back a bit. Really donāt want to have more than one processed meal a day.
Tom checked out the site with the funny name and took a look at the code behind it. It isnāt that they have an actual copy of my book but itās used as bait along with many other things. Itās a phishing site. All they want is credit card info. They promise full access to various things if you pay a fee.
On Scribd, he found where I could file a copyright infringement complaint, so I did. I doubt itās anyone I know and may not even be a person at all. I once had this book on Smashwords and there might have been a screw-up between the different sites. Because the cover is the original cover and the bio is old, whatever it is happened nearly a decade ago. I donāt know many people with the sophistication to pull something like this off other than Aly and I canāt believe she would do this to anyone no matter how pissed she may be at them. It just doesnāt seem her style. The termites, yes, if they had brains enough to pull it off which they donāt.
Iāve learned my lesson as far as publishing anything goes. If I could have made at least 10 bucks a day, it would have been worth whatever shit came of it but itās not all bad because this way I can have fun writing just for me and not have to worry about using real names and changing this and changing that.
The other day, as I was lying in bed waiting for sleep, Shadow popped into mind again and I was racked with a sense of guilt and sadness over having to dump him as I did 28 years ago. I asked myself why the hell Andy and I werenāt smart enough to think of a shelter but then no-kill shelters didnāt exactly exist back then. But then maybe it would have been better to be put to sleep if he was only destined to get hit by a car or something like that. Technically, this would probably be a better way for any animal or human to go as opposed to dying of natural causes but we could never and would never bring the pigs to a kill shelter.
Iāve always wondered what became of him. I read that cats lose heat through their paws and can handle heat better than cold as long as they have shade, food and water. He could have gotten the shade somewhere but where would he have gotten food and water? He would have had to drink out of peopleās pools and while they were plentiful, so were big dogs that were always left outside.
But still, I wonder. Did Animal Control pick him up and kill him? Did he get hit by a car? Did he get fed by various people every now and then? Or did someone adopt him? I really hope to hell the last possibility happened! I was reading back in my 1992 journal, and I forgot that we didnāt just drop him off in Paradise Valley but also threw his carrier over the wall of someoneās backyard that we thought may have been Stevie Nicksā at the time. Donāt know if it really was or not, though.
Even though I was young, dumb, broke, naive and threatened with eviction if I didnāt get rid of Shadow and was just doing what I needed to survive, I felt heartbroken and I could definitely throttle Stacey. I know she was sticking to the rules she had to abide by but still, rules can be bent. You donāt have to break them but you could bend them and she definitely could have worked with me somehow to get into a āpetā apartment and pay the deposit. I also wish Iād been smart enough back then to think of contacting her boss.
Tom says there was nothing I could do about it, I canāt undo the past, so I shouldnāt beat myself up for it and that more than likely he was adopted. If not, people do feed strays. Weāve done it ourselves.
But I also realized that had I been able to keep him, he likely would have lived past 1997 when I quit smoking and I would be left to wonder why I never got better since I didnāt know that cats made me wheeze and congested until we got Simone.
I have hoped that there really is no such thing as an afterlife because a before life is enough. For a minute, though, I almost wished there was so I could tell him how sorry I am for being such a shit of a cat mommy as I was during his first two years of life. Yes, he could be plenty obnoxious at times but he was otherwise quite affectionate and lovable, and yet I treated him like shit at times and then dumped him like he was trash.
I hope to hell that when he was dying which was probably somewhere between 2005-2010 that the giant orange tabby I adored was put to sleep and didnāt die outdoors alone.
Speaking of that bitch Stacey, another story idea came to mind. Tom and I move but we return to Arizona of all places. And of all the millions of people living in Phoenix, we happen to end up next to Stacey and her husband. I spot her one day and recognize her so Tom and I agree I would go by a different first name and say I was from Ohio.
I get a piece of her mail one day and am curious to see if she recognizes me when I go to return it. She does but of course I always deny my true identity. Then I can play these little games with her until one day she actually invites me over for coffee and I pass out only to wake up realizing she drugged me and has locked me in a room. Iām held captive there while she tries to force the truth out of me. Eventually, Tom will come to my rescue!
So between the story Iāve been working on, this idea, and the revenge on the termite idea, I guess Iām not completely retired as a writer after all. For a while there I thought I would never come up with anything worth putting into print ever again.
Oh yes, the lady of suspense is going to have all kinds of unfiltered and uncensored fun using real names. I just hope we donāt get ākarmaādā for our evil thoughts, haha.
Strange how I once couldnāt help but have a slight crush on Stacey even though she was a blue-eyed blond. Something about her voice, physique and mannerisms reminded me of Kate Jackson. I once told her that too, LOL. Iād be a total liar if I said she didnāt age well but I hate her fucking guts.
I usually write one story at a time and will write a chapter and then edit it, but I think Iāll just work on the stories and then edit them when I hit writerās block which I still think will be most of the time.
āDid something happen to the saw dude or did someone complain about him?ā I asked Tom and he thinks neither and that he simply finished his home renovation project.
Well, I hope so because Iām definitely enjoying not hearing that fucking saw! In a lawless land, I would have gone over there, yanked it out of his hand, and chased him around the park with it.
āWhat happened to the loud car kid?ā I also asked him and he thinks the kid outgrew that phase of his life.
That young and that fast? I donāt know about that one. I think heās either dead, in jail, or more than likely moved out of the area.
Aly says Molly totally believes in her mind that she and I never had a problem. Yeah, that doesnāt surprise me. The mentally ill are often delusional. Also, I remember how she used to act like she and Kathy were best buddies having only last spoken recently when in fact it had been months or maybe even years.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2020 I wasnāt kidding when I recently told Aly that it was a nice breath of fresh air to have a friend who was younger and smarter instead of the other way around as it usually was with other friends Iāve had.
Never heard of a torrent site before and when she told me she suspects my book was pirated, it made sense when I thought about it. If they steal music and movies, why not books too? I contacted one of the sites itās on which is affiliated with NaNoWriMo as well as NaNoWriMo itself. I highly doubt it will do me any good, but I explained the situation to them about me and publishing it about a year ago and never agreeing to sell on Scribd. Plus thereās another site with a weird name that I know of, but I canāt click on any of the tabs and I wasnāt about to click on the download button without knowing if that could trigger some kind of attack.
Itās kind of weird how the pirated copy has the original cover and bio. Had to join Scribd to try to contact them but both them and NaNoWriMo donāt make it easy to contact them. I tried on Facebook and they gave me the automated run around so I finally tweeted to them. Again, I donāt expect a response let alone removal of the book where I left a comment saying who I was and that the book was pirated. You couldnāt comment without a rating so of course I gave myself 5 stars, LOL.
Thereās no price set on my book, I noticed. Guess you get full access to it (and other books) with a paid membership? Would love to know when it was listed and if itās anyone I know, though I doubt it.
The good thing is that if I didnāt make shit from the book, I donāt see why they would. I guess it happens to big-name authors as well. Either way, I highly doubt Iām going to be able to get it removed. Itās not worth putting any more effort into fighting it than I already did since itās not like theyāre going to really profit from it.
I went and unpublished Weāll Meet Again Someday which I had under a pen name just in case the same thing happened to that book even though I havenāt made a single sale or download in many months from that book. So if there are any more of my books out there, at least they wonāt make more than a few bucks here and there. Others can feel free to do as they wish, but publishing just isnāt worth it to me.
I was glad to hear that her BF is going to get the vaccine in a few weeks. I know theyāve wanted to target health workers and old people first.
She got her dad the massager I got that I recommended to her and he really likes it. It is a good one!
Tom and I have noticed that my waist appears thinner lately. This is due to increased strength training and aerobics-like exercise. My ācrunch lineā is also more visible. That groove that runs from the sternum almost down to the belly button.
What worries me a little is that the spots on my leg arenāt growing in size but the larger one is darkening on the edges and is slightly raised. I just hope waiting until April doesnāt turn out to be a dumb idea that causes a whole lot more money and headaches later on down the road, but Iām not going to go running to the doctor for every little thing either. I wouldnāt be surprised if I had a few AKs on my scalp as well from what I can feel. Luckily, only 10% of them become cancerous.
Iām a little tired today because I was up forever like I sometimes am even though I managed to take care of the dishes and laundry and change Fuzzyās cage. My God does that poor guy look horrible! I think he has more than one tumor too but with the way he acts and eats you would never know it so thatās good. Even if he didnāt have them, though, his days are still numbered because heās now over two years old.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2020 My poor little ratty. :( Looks like the tumor has caused ruptured blood vessels. Yet amazingly, he still has plenty of energy and the same old appetite. He doesnāt seem to be in the least bit of pain, fortunately. He canāt have too many more months to go, though. Itās sad but an inevitable course of nature at the same time.
Iām really frustrated, irritated and confused right now after getting a Google alert on my name. I got an alert for a site where a copy of Evil Amongst the Evergreens is supposedly available. Nothing was clickable on the site, though, and Iām sitting here trying to figure out why the hell a book I unpublished is listed there. I also donāt like how you can get a lengthy preview, and then if you sign up for a free trial, you can read all of it for free.
Whatās the point of unpublishing something if people can still get copies on sites I never heard of much less published my book on, and with absolutely no payment to me?
I never should have published anything, especially in my own name. That was really stupid! Not only are you giving potential trolls the perfect opportunity to fuck with you, but I should have known it wouldnāt be enough money to make it worth it. Better to just write for fun and that way I donāt have to worry as much about being as correct as possible.
This is turning out to be the most doable diet Iāve done in centuries. Not going so low-calorie keeps me from always being hungry. Not going low-carb keeps me from craving variety. Not spacing out multiple smaller snacks and meals also keeps me from being hungry. But it being doable is part of why I wonāt get under that typical low of about 155. Iād have to be sick, thyrotoxic, or half-starving to lose more than a few pounds. No thanks! I like the way I feel on this menu and the fact that I definitely donāt have to worry about gaining weight.
The holidays are really throwing things off and disrupting our routine. Holidays were fine when he was working because then he got to enjoy the time off. Now all they do is mess things up. At least theyāre minor inconveniences but because Walmart was out of some things, particularly lettuce which the pigs are low on, we tried to arrange to pick up an order at Samās yesterday morning. However, the earliest we could do this would be Saturday. So then we tried Amazonās Whole Foods and were told the same thing along with another Walmart order we placed. So both Amazon and Walmart will be delivered within a few hours of each other that day. Tom was surprised to find how much cheaper than Walmart many of the prices on Amazon were, expecting it to be much more expensive. So we thought we would go ahead and give them a try.
I was looking forward to trying Samās lobster naan but I donāt think weāre going to be ordering from them. Walmart doesnāt have it but Amazon has Spanakopita which I like. I just donāt want to get too carried away with processed foods. Just because Iām having three larger meals with absolutely nothing in between doesnāt mean I want to load up on too much unhealthy stuff. Still gotta watch the cholesterol and sodium.
Over the last few days, I went from 157.8 to 157.4 to 157.0, and then yesterday I was 156.6 just like I am today. This is about when my body starts rebelling against additional weight loss, too. One way it rebels is to stop shitting but Iām having potatoes today so that should help.
Decided that rather than focus on step count or active minutes, Iāll focus on getting the 22 zone minutes they recommend getting a day. Not hard for someone with a high HR.
The planes didnāt go as crazy as I expected them to yesterday. Still expecting the death count to jump quite a bit after Christmas. I canāt wait to get to January! By then Trump will be out of the picture, we should be getting closer to getting vaccinated, and itās the year we get the fuck out of here!
Dixie forwarded me (and a few others) a joke. So sheās still alive. Sometimes I think of emailing her. I do miss her and I do think of her but I also have to think of myself as well. I donāt want to deal with her drama and moods and put myself at risk of getting sick. Sheās still around more people than we are. Unless itās someone living alone with agoraphobia, I doubt anybody is as isolated as weāve been. Iāll definitely email her before we leave.
In looking around at things and mentally deciding what weāre likely to leave and likely to take, I realized that the platform with the attached headboard shelves my mattress is on is our longest-running piece of furniture. We got it in Oregon 15 or 16 years ago.
Aly says Molly will no doubt eventually find a way to contact her, even if itās through someone on Fitbit.
Ah, but will she be smart enough to ignore her? I still believe that Aly has a tendency to gravitate toward the mentally ill as Mary G gravitated toward abusers.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2020 I skipped yesterdayās meds as I mentioned before, and although I was better, I wasnāt 100%, so I was a little nervous about taking my meds today. I did, however, and I feel fine so far. Figured I wouldnāt make it to the end of the year without a problem, though.
At the beginning of my day today, I had that strange and disturbing feeling that could have been my heart A-fibbing, gas bubbles in my chest, or something else. I looked up the causes and found that they range from mild to severe. At least I didnāt feel like I was going to pass out or experience any other symptoms with it. I can see where it might be air bubbles since it did seem like it was something fluttering upward and reverberating in my throat. However, it was entirely different than heartburn or any kind of stomach or intestinal gas issues Iāve ever experienced. I donāt know what to think. I just hope it doesnāt make a regular habit of occurring, whatever it is.
It hit me that itās silly to count calories independently of Fitbit. I can still have Fitbit do it. I just have to make sure that everything I eat during my day is logged on the same date. But I can still have it do the math for me. It isnāt just about calories but this way I can also see how much sodium and carbs Iām taking in as well.
I realize that with the exception of whatever we get for the house, weāll probably be back to the days of being broke once we get to Florida because even though itās cheaper there, weāre not going to have as much money. Thatās okay, though. I donāt mind not having extra money as long as weāre still able to get the things we need. But I know heāll want to work at least part-time to help with extras until heās able to get full retirement and not just partial. Plus, Iāll get half of what he gets when Iām 65 even though thatās still worlds away.
Actually, Tom just told me not to panic over what I may read on Twitter or Facebook, saying that Trump is being crazy again and something about people being evicted and losing their Unemployment if he doesnāt sign a particular thing. He assured me that our retirement money is not only guaranteed for life, but he would also only work in the future for extras like if we wanted to go on a cruise. Also, our Unemployment is fine, so donāt worry about what I may read.
This is reassuring to know but I feel bad for those less fortunate than us. Only someone as rich as Trump would do such a thing, assuming everybody can afford to pay for their needs just because he can and has never known anything else. I almost wish all rich people could start off broke so they could know what itās like and see that no, weāre not all the same. We canāt all make do with next to nothing.
It seems, however, weāre having the opposite luck than what we experienced when the economy went to hell. The collapse of the economy hurt us in just about every possible way that it could. We suffered big time and almost lost our lives because of it. However, the virus has seemed to actually help us. Oh, it wouldnāt be this way if he was under 62, though, thatās for sure! So if this shit had to happen in the first place, Iām definitely grateful for the timing. And that he was able to make so much money in his final working years, especially from the OT with the way it works in Cali. Making enough OT to live off of that alone is a big deal when it comes to retirement, but yeah, he was making around $30 an hour in the end there at certain times. Of course the new company owners would lay him off. That way they could turn around and hire someone at minimum wage. In the end, I sure as hell am glad they did lay him off because of the virus! Again, that was perfect timing and I had the opposite reaction when he broke the news to me than I had in 2011. Had he been just a little younger, we could have been really screwed. Same goes for if they hadnāt laid him off but just in a different way. But then I always did say that the noisier a place was, the harder it would be to lose. Well, Jesse and his mutts definitely werenāt this noisy. No place I ever lived was this noisy.
Either way, weāve been spared from this latest world crisis. I donāt know if itās because of any God, some other entity, or just because. I only know Iām grateful as hell.
Just went to get my Bing points and I wasnāt at all surprised to read a headline saying that despite pleas from health experts, people are ready to travel for the holidays and spread the virus so the daily deaths can become 5K instead of 3K. And of course Iāll be wide awake to listen to all the planes there will no doubt be flying overhead early this morning.
Tom said there were a lot of cars at Dahlās place today. Everybody thinks theyāre invincible.
One of the brands of nail stickers I got was Blulu and they kind of suck. Theyāre not sticky enough. Also, the pink plaid set looks more like flesh tone in person. So I took them off and applied a pinkish-red set with gold highlights by a better brand. Theyāre a little light and a little sheer but definitely have better sticking power.
Decided Iām not going to keep changing accounts every month on OD so I can keep writing there. Itās just not worth the hassle. When it comes to sharing, PB is enough.
Aly says sheās finally blocked Molly and is done with her because sheās gone Kim on her by being very selfish and bombarding her with tons of texts all about how miserable her life supposedly is. And this is after Molly deleted her on Fitbit. She says itās hard to explain but she still has some compassion for Kim.
I would definitely rather associate with Kim than Molly any day. I remember when I was pretending to be someone else and connected with her on Twitter how she almost never responded to my tweets. It was only if I made the move first by responding to her tweets that she would talk to me. Molly is definitely very selfish and obsessive. Kim is obsessive too, though.
Once Molly realizes Alyās done with her, I wonder if sheāll stalk her like itās 2009 again. Or if sheāll try to seek me out to get to her through me. My guess is she wonāt, though, because we donāt always react the same when something happens again. Besides, I donāt think she can find me anywhere other than looking me up on Facebook and thatās only if she remembers my last name.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2020 Iām now tracking calories independently of Fitbit. Because my days are split so often, Iām not getting an accurate count. The same goes for steps. However, Iām not really concerned with steps as long as I get the recommended daily zone minutes each day. Iām keeping track in Google Docs and having Tom double-check my math.
So far it seems easier to have fewer bigger meals. I made vegetable tortellini yesterday and it came out great. I would really like to get an idea of my daily calorie intake at least for a week or two because Iām curious to see how, if at all, this new way of eating affects me. My guess is that it wonāt cause weight loss but will make it harder to gain. It comes out to approximately 1,200 calories a day.
I noticed my metabolism has sped up a bit but thatās likely for the same reason I felt a little anxious last night; my meds are ramping up in my system. I skipped today and it will be interesting to see if taking action right away means I wonāt have to skip as much later on. If I could get it down to one skip per month, that would be ideal. That may be just a dream, but weāll see. But to have a total of a little over a monthās worth of anxious days for 2020 is a definite improvement!
Now I just wish he would stop looking for work! When he talked about the job applications heās been filling out, I reminded him that they said he didnāt have to look for work for many weeks but he says he doesnāt trust them. Yeah, the government is definitely not very trustworthy, thatās for sure. But we have a lot of money and I hate to see him work before heās vaccinated. I would be concerned if he was young but Iām even more concerned with him being 63. He doesnāt actually want a job right now but still thinks itās best to at least put some effort into it. Besides, not everyone wants an older white guy working for them not to mention the fact that sometimes heās either under or overqualified. Some jobs have requirements heās unable to or unwilling to meet like traveling.
The pigs started to get a little smelly so we changed their liners. Rockefellerās wasnāt that soiled but Blitzās was. Weāll probably only be changing them about six more times before theyāre rehomed and I definitely want to use up the paper bedding first. I would rather have liners left over than regular bedding.
Fuzzy sleeps more but still has energy and definitely his usual appetite. He could live another three or four months but one rat is a lot easier to deal with than two pigs.
I remember a split second of a dream where I was in someoneās oceanfront house and it was so cool because the part of the walls that face the ocean was all glass. Whenever the tide was high, the waves would roll up against the lower part of the glass walls and was totally cool.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2020 They updated our DNA results on 23andMe, narrowing things down. They had him mapped as all over Europe, but they took off southern Europe for him even though heās from many different places and is still a mutt, LOL. For me, they removed almost all of Europe. Iām 98.9% Ashkenazi instead of 99%. They had a fraction of a percent of me from Asia and Africa which has now been narrowed down to Manchurian & Mongolian. Never heard of Manchurian before.
Going to once again try Fitbitās easier diet where you have a 250-cal deficit per day and lose half a pound a week. I thought about it and Iām pretty sure I was likely underestimating my food intake or counting wrong or making typos when logging food the last time around. Low thyroid or not, Iām still human and it should have worked, especially if you do it right. So that means Iām the one that screwed up somewhere along the line when inputting info.
For this grocery order, I got a bigger variety of food so Iām not stuck with just meat and veggies and will have fewer bigger meals rather than more smaller ones that donāt fill me up and that leave me feeling hungry until I eat again. I still donāt mind meat and veggies for the most part but this way I can throw in some variety along with it, so I donāt have cravings for different things. So two of my meals will consist of meat, veggies, and a small portion of starch of some kind like rice, pasta, or potatoes. My other one will consist of chickpeas, beans or soup. Iāll have a small kiddy yogurt when I take my statin to keep from getting an upset stomach. Plus thereās my morning coffee. Or whatever time of day or night I happen to get up.
At 6:30 I had two roasted chicken thighs and a cup of macaroni and cheese. I didnāt have any veggies with that particular meal, but I will with my next one which will be at 11:30. Iām spacing my meals out by 5 hours. Itās been 2 hours and I still feel satisfied. If Iād grabbed just a smoothie or just an avocado, I would probably be getting hungry again by now.
Reading that there are new strains of the coronavirus discovered wasnāt exactly a thrilling thing to learn. Hope itās nothing that the vaccine still canāt handle!
I slept for an average of 7 hours and 43 minutes last week. The week before that it was 8 hours and 11 minutes and the week before that was 7 hours and 32 minutes. Most weeks seem to be 7 hours and something minutes, but I did have a week that was 6 hours and 34 minutes.
Had a dream that I had to stay somewhere but I donāt think it was any kind of jail or hospital since I was packed into a car with several other people heading somewhere. In the dream, I realized that I had counted wrong and I didnāt really have to be there for four thousand and something more days but actually six thousand and something more days. Even though this only equated to almost a year in the dream, I was deeply depressed by this realization.
Alyās back to updating her other Twitter account but not very often. Damn, I wish Iād never reached out to Molly!
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2020 Went through the hutch drawers earlier and found more stuff Iād forgotten about. Some old family pictures neither of us give a shit about but agreed to keep, along with cards and letters from various people. I forgot that Marie once wrote to me. Iāve got some cards from Eileen, Aly, Rosa, my dear deceased Italian foster dad, and even a couple of postcards from Nane. I forgot that she actually sent me two postcards, one from Greece and one from Turkey. She sent one to Auburn and one here to āZitronen Land.ā
I read the German part to Tom as we were going through things and decided that even though weāre not friends anymore, I would keep the postcards. Some people I definitely regret knowing and some I donāt. Nane was fun and interesting for a while before her judgmental ways and bitchiness really got to me. Also, as ugly as German is, I sure did end up learning quite a bit of it, thanks to her.
I made a couple of interesting discoveries that Iām excited about whenever we get settled in the new place. First there was this thing you stuck your finger directly into that printed nail designs directly onto the nail. Those range from $500 to over a grand. Iām not fluent but I could get by if I were suddenly stuck in the middle of Germany, and thatās something to be proud of.
Still not wanting any chemicals on my nails, I looked to see if there was a way to design and print my own nail stickers and there is! It would be a little more expensive, but this way I could choose the exact designs I wanted and not have to worry about them going bad. You can even print family photos or pictures of pets!
Iām surprised I was wrong on the stimulus thing and that theyāre going to give adults $600. To those who are really in need, $600 seems like such a fucking insult. You canāt even pay a monthās rent on that! What the hell is wrong with this country???
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2020 Wish theyād shut up already with the stimulus talk. We know weāre not getting shit, they know weāre not getting shit, so enough is enough with the bullshit promises! The American government simply doesnāt take care of its own. Never has, never will.
Decided to do some more sorting and packing. I went through the stuff in the hutch cabinets and tomorrow Iāll do the drawers. You donāt realize how much shit you have until it comes time to go through it and start packing it up! Things I totally forgot we had.
Itās still too soon to really judge the pig liners but these guys really frustrate me at times. Especially Blitz. Rockefeller hasnāt chewed on the liner, but Blitz has chewed his. Next time I may put down a bit of bedding on top of the liners and also hook the corners to the side of the cage beforehand. I hooked part of Blitzās liner a little while ago, so weāll just have to wait and see.
Tom applied for a few jobs just in case they tell him to start working again. God, I hope not! Not until this damn thing is under control and weāre vaccinated. But thatās the thing. Out of the things I have strong vibes on right now, his working in this state ever again is not one of them.
Had a bunch of strange dreams last night, one in which Aly and I met somewhere, and she told me my bad ear was ugly, LOL. Not something I can picture her telling anyone. I wasnāt offended, though, in the dream because I appreciated her honesty and agreed as well.
Then I had some weird dream about hiding from someone in a dark building where I rented a room or apartment of some kind. Someone was after me or the person who lived in the place before me, so I turned off all the lights and hid in the bathroom. The bathroom had two doors on opposite ends, so I quickly locked them just in time for a young woman to be shouting angrily and punching the door.
Then, after being glad I had backed my writing up, I realized I couldnāt find the story I was working on and that the backup had failed. I ran into Stacey from Arizona in a corridor somewhere and asked her if she could find my story. LOL
In another dream, I was finishing up a visit with Dr. A only instead of us leaving the exam room together, she remained seated at the computer after I rose to my feet and said āByeā and proceeded to leave the room and she said āByeā too.
Next, I was writing my parents a letter telling them I really like being in a liberal state where a guy could walk into a bar dressed in drag with no questions asked or something to that effect. While I was at it, I was listening to a song that was supposedly written right after gays and lesbians first got their rights and the lyrics said something like, āIt was supposed to be a trial run, but 33 days later we still have our rights.ā
In the last dream, I walked up to the front door of our place, and instead of the street being laid out like it really is, the saw cock was off to one side and Jesse actually lived on the other. As I approached the door, I could hear Jesse sawing away at something and was glad we would be moving soon.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2020 I am surprisingly awake today even though I did take a quick nap which I love to do when I can. The recycle truck hadnāt come by the time I got up, but the garbage truck did and amazingly, they never woke me up.
What did wake me up - unless I woke up and then smelled it - was what I could have sworn was Tom cooking something with a really strong smell. I told myself I was going to let him have it for that since he knows better. Iām not only the lightest sleeper when it comes to sounds but also when it comes to smells, so he makes a habit of not eating anything smelly when Iām sleeping. However, he was sound asleep the first time I was aware of it. It almost smelled like fast food. I also smelled it a few hours later. I doubt anyone elseās cooking would penetrate these walls as thin as they are, so I donāt know what it was. I mean even if someone was right outside the bedroom window which was closed, of course, eating a cheeseburger, I donāt see how I would smell it in the bedroom. Either way, I still woke up feeling refreshed.
My hip didnāt feel too bad, so we went out for a walk. It was warm in the sunshine, but the breeze was cool. I wore no hoodie over my sweatshirt. It was about 55 degrees. After our walk was when I took a nap.
Tom discovered these bamboo charcoal carbon disposable pee pads for guinea pig cages that we ordered and that arrived today. We place them in their cages and are anxious to see how they work out. It was $20 for eight of them. Theyāve got great reviews. Yeah, we would find the best solution for them now that weāre a month or so away from re-homing them. Who knows, though? They could end up being a bust. The fleece liners werenāt as exciting as I thought they would be because the pigs werenāt nearly as clean with them and the liners werenāt as easy to shake out and clean as I hoped theyād be.
If these liners work out, I can give Fuzzy the last fleece liner and we can put the bamboo liners in the pig cage when we go to re-home them.
Rockefellerās reaction was a little weird at first. Blitz didnāt have any problem with it but Rockefellerās teeth were chattering and he was making the kind of chatter that signals distress in a guinea pig. Weāre thinking maybe he just didnāt like the smell at first but then he quickly started eating and was fine.
Fuzzyās tumor is starting to grow and he may have more than one, but heās still able to get around and still eats plenty. Heās just sleeping a lot more.
We got a hydraulic hinge for the meter reader when they open the door to the crawl space. Maybe this will finally get them to stop slamming it like theyāre pissed off. We canāt just leave it open because skunks and other animals could get under the house.
I also ordered 100 chocolate chip cookie incense sticks but those wonāt be here till the end of the month.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2020 Looks like Aly stopped tweeting on her other account. Yeah, Iām not surprised. She probably set up a new one but Iāll never find it if itās not connected to Molly. Iām sure she blocked my main account from it, too.
The largest of three spots on my leg now has a slight rise on one edge. Gonna wait until after the new year to decide what to do. Maybe Iāll take a picture of it and send it to Doc A through the portal and get her opinion on it, though sheās likely to tell me to come in. What I donāt like about this is that there are three of them and the largest spot is bigger than the one I had on my back.
I took a more peaceful route on our walk yesterday heading towards the back of the park rather than sticking to the main drags. Joe, the mailman, passed by us and we waved to each other and I said, āLong time no see!ā
At some point, after we got back, I felt a little fatigued and lay down in bed figuring I would just close my eyes for a few minutes but ended up napping for almost an hour and a half. I love taking naps, but I remained kind of groggy for the rest of the day after getting up. Even so, I was up pretty late and slept a long time, causing my schedule to jump quite a bit. I slept something like 9 hours and 20 minutes. Slept till noon.
I dreamed of Bob. It was weird because it was like we were chatting like old buddies and even dancing happily together. Then there was some dream about my sheets being all torn and held together with duct tape and being hesitant to ask my parents for money to get new sheets, LOL.
Itās amazing that the house workers let me sleep since Tom said they were tremendously noisy on and off from about 8:30 to lunchtime tossing all the concrete they tore up into a dump truck. Iām both surprised and not surprised. Iām not surprised because they were working on the other side of the house opposite the bedroom but then Iām surprised that the loud vehicles going to and from the place didnāt wake me up. Itās still frustrating because I know this project is going to take weeksā¦and then there will be something else going on. Been here for over 7 years and I still canāt believe how fucking noisy this place is.
We ran out to Rite Aid using the cloth masks that Covered California sent us. I guess theyāre supposed to be better than paper masks. He downloaded an app that will notify him if itās discovered that anyone was in there at the time we were that ends up diagnosed with the virus.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2020 It still bugs me at times that Aly wonāt give me any information about where she lives or share any pics of Cam. Weāre not connected on Facebook (even though she said she hates it there anyway), I donāt know her address, there was no such doctor as whatās supposed to be Camās ex-SIL, and Iāve never seen a picture of her with any BF. I do have her phone number and I do have her parentsā address but still, her explanation as to why she wonāt give me her address doesnāt make sense. Just because she doesnāt think sheāll be there long? But why canāt I see where she is in the meantime for however long she is there? And why would she not tell me exactly where she was on Vinton Street knowing she was about to leave there anyway? The length of time youāre going to live somewhere doesnāt seem like a legit reason to not at least let whatās supposed to be a good friend of yours check you out on Google Maps. Something just doesnāt add up.
But itās still hard to believe she would make Cam up. To be making him up means she canāt get anybody. But then why would she not be able to get anybody? She prefers men to women and guys are easy. She wouldnāt have to be alone. If youāre a feminine woman looking for another feminine woman that would be different. But her not living anywhere for more than a few months doesnāt seem like a good enough reason to hold back, at least in my opinion.
Maria friended me and I saw that Becky was added as well. Then Becky mentioned being hacked and this made me think Maria was a fake account and that the account was somehow connected to the hacking, so I blocked it. But then Becky assured me it was genuine, and I unblocked Maria and messaged her, letting her know why she was temporarily blocked and asking how she was doing. Sheās getting back on her feet after coming out to SoCal and getting screwed by the daughter she gave up for adoption and met for the first time. She found that the daughter was a big-time drug addict and hooker living on skidrow and she threw her out after just a few hours of meeting. Then I guess Maria hooked up with the wrong guy and threw her sobriety away as well as her Section 8 and medical. A little hard to feel sorry for at least some of the things sheās been through since she made her own bed and had to lie in it but Iām glad to know sheās doing better.
So I took the opportunity to ask Becky if Marie was still in New York and that while I loved and missed her, I couldnāt deal with the extreme mood swings, accusatory behavior, and paranoia.
She said she never experienced that with her but that she seemed warmer on some days and cooler and others just like anyone else. Yeah, but they never had the kind of relationship we did so Iām sure thatās a big part of it.
Becky says she creates new accounts after each failed relationship. Well, she must not have been in one for a while unless sheās using the same name for each account, which is never her real name, to create new accounts with.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2020 What the hell was that that my heart did this morning shortly after I got up??? As I was sitting there, I experienced what Iām guessing might have been A-fib but Iām not a hundred percent sure. Instead of vibrating quickly, though, my heart felt almost as if it was jumping. It was almost like I could feel it in my throat as well. It lasted 4-5 seconds and during that time I started to get dizzy and almost freaked out because I thought I was going to pass out. It probably wasnāt any big deal and hopefully, it wonāt happen again anytime soon.
I took a picture of the red spots on my lower leg that I suspect may be pre-cancerous, so I have something to compare it to along the way between now and when I see my doctor in April.
The daily buzz goes on. The drone of the blowers throughout the park that donāt need to be doing the same spot every single fucking day, individuals having their lots done, the tractor tearing up the concrete where the new house isā¦I would want to scream or beat my head in the wall or both if I knew we werenāt moving next year! Today was probably the end of being able to sleep without being woken up since the loud traffic has been worse, partly thanks to the house workers.
We went on another noisy yet nice walk and this time for half an hour. I think my hip needs consistency as well as for me not to overdo the working out in order to keep the pain at bay. The problem is that when youāre tired so much of the time, you canāt be consistent. Maybe I could have been 20 years ago but not now.
For a while now Iāve had a vibe about getting breast cancer in my outer left boob, but I donāt think it will be any time soon. I doubt Iāll be under 65 if this really happens. It does run in my family and it is hereditary, so I suppose that I have just as much of a chance of getting that as I do of having a heart attack, stroke, or getting Alzheimerās which also runs in the family.
It looks like one of the flower trees is blooming in someoneās yard as if itās all confused by the warmer weather. Things donāt usually start blooming here until early March.
As Iām learning the hard way, nail polish strips have a shelf life. Did some research and it seems to be about a year. This makes sense when I think about it because nail polish in a bottle goes bad after a while, too. So Iām likely to end up with a lot of bad sets of nails and wasted money for hoarding too many at once. From now on I will order just one set at a time and stick with Wokoto since they fit the best and are the cheapest yet still of excellent quality.
Itās so nice to see Tom be able to enjoy his free time after working hard for many decades. So many things he wanted to do that he just didnāt have the time to do, mostly computer and electronics-related, of course. He deserves the break even though he is going to return to work sooner or later. Even though he wants to see about getting in with Amazon and then transferring to Florida, I just donāt āseeā him working in Cali ever again.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2020 Woke up with a sore throat though I donāt see how I could possibly be coming down with anything because Iām one of the most isolated people I know. Earlier I had quite a bit of fatigue and was so cold, too. Finally had to really push myself to go out walking. It was a noisy walk too, thanks to all the damn landscaping. Also, theyāre working on the new house for God knows how many more weeks. Canāt hear that much inside the house but their trucks coming and going could wake me up.
I realized lately that I havenāt had issues with tardive dyskinesia in quite a while now. It seemed to go on for so many years that I really believed it would never go away. Wish I could say that about my TMJ although itās better again. I guess oiling my ear did help. The dry conditions really mess it up at times. Hopefully, that means it will be better in Florida. We might actually get rain again in a few days which helps my skin.
But that damn hip of mine is driving me crazy! In light of having more and more joint issues, I realize that Iām going to have to choose between pain and eating when Iām hungry or less pain and more hunger. I may not be āobeseā per se, but Iām weighty due to my muscles. Losing muscle wouldnāt be good or easy since itās natural for me, so in order to lighten the stress on my joints, Iād have to eat less. A LOT less and that would mean going hungry much of the time. Then Iād have to keep it up, for the most part, in order to keep the weight off.
Now, I do handle pain a lot better than I handle hunger. So it may be best to just look at it as I do with my ear. I donāt like it, but Iāve accepted that Iām going to have to live with on-and-off ear/TMJ pain for the rest of my life. Maybe I should have that attitude with the hip pain and continue eating when Iām hungry. After all, millions of others live full lives that are heavier than me. I donāt know. I havenāt decided yet.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2020 Got some rain over the last couple of days and itās made things so much more peaceful. Still hear a few planes and some loud vehicles but not nearly as much as usual. I hope the rain helps my skin because itās been horribly dry lately as itās been like a desert here. After today, who knows how many days it will be or even weeks before we see it again.
Yesterday we rearranged the living and dining areas but decided to leave the projector screen up for a while longer.
Back on the treadmill again and wondering why a brisk 3mph walk has me so winded all of a sudden. Today and yesterday Iāve experienced that suffocating feeling where Iām able to breathe but itās like thereās no oxygen in the air. Itās weird. I guess I must have fallen that out of shape or something.
Plus, my ear ā or TMJ ā or whatever the fuck it really is, has been bugging me despite oiling my ear and doing those jaw exercises.
I was going to take today off but since I slept well and have good energy today, I figured I would wait until traffic starts waking me up again and Iām too tired to work out. It was so nice being able to sleep with just Alexa on volume seven last night instead of her on volume eight and the stereo blasting white noise as well.
I was reading a sad and discouraging article about how quiet places are becoming more and more extinct and that yes, the world is getting louder. It isnāt just me imagining it or exaggerating things or being overly sensitive in any way. After reading it, I just canāt help but wonder how far is far enough. I realize that now that our old place in Maricopa is probably just as overrun with loud vehicles and probably even motorcycles, a box fan wouldnāt be enough for me anymore if we were still there. Iād have to get at least 500 feet away from the street these days to drown out all the chaos without blasting the shit out of the sound machines, yet not many places are that far from the street. The only pieces of land big enough that we could afford to move to arenāt in climates I want to be in. I think weāll be damn lucky if we can get half that far from the neighborās dogs, boom stereos, screaming kids, and traffic, but itās better than just a few feet.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2020 It rained last night, which is great because we not only need it, but the conditions here have been so damn dry that itās really drying the hell out of my skin. The rain has been keeping the planes quiet this morning as well.
I got a bath bomb and took a bath with it yesterday to help moisturize my skin a bit more but if it helped it wasnāt by much. There was a prize in the coconut-scented center of the large bomb which took forever to completely dissolve. I didnāt have my glasses on so all I could see was something glittery inside a tiny clear plastic bubble. I thought maybe it was earbuds but when I got out of the tub and put my glasses on, I could see that it was a hair tie. I can wear it as a bracelet as well. Itās a nice light turquoise color with what looks like crushed ice crystals on it.
My ear has been dry as hell again too, so Iāve been oiling it every day. At least I went a little longer this time before it started getting to me again.
We got stay-at-home text messages yesterday on our phones. No problem since weāre already homebodies with no place to go anyway. It was exciting seeing headlines about millions of doses of the vaccine about to be distributed throughout the country!
We began removing some of the wall stickers with the heat gun yesterday. We actually started with the pink rat on his bedroom door. Weāre going to leave the flowers and butterflies. Weāre going to be removing the stripper, mermaid, moon, dancers, and stuff like that.
We decided weāre going to touch up the paint throughout the place but paper the hallway, leaving the forest mural as is.
Getting spam from Sundae isnāt exactly waiting until next year to reach out to me. Kind of annoyed that they took it upon themselves to sign me up for their newsletter but still hoping to get a good deal from them and have a much quicker and easier experience than we would using a traditional real estate agent.
This morning weāre going to rearrange the living room to give it more of a traditional appearance for when they come to look at the place. Weāre going to take the projector screen down and put the big screen TV back up. Also gonna drag the couch toward the center of the room. Iāll set the treadmill back up because Iāve been lazing out of cardio too much lately. Sometimes I canāt be that active anyway because Iām too tired but the only way I donāt get bored with walking unless Iām outdoors is to put my old laptop on the treadmill tray and do some puzzles or something while Iām walking. Even listening to music, audiobooks, or watching TV isnāt enough for me. The time simply passes by faster when I do puzzles.
My small pair of scissors with curved blades is getting old and dull so I ordered a new one with rainbow colors like the silverware set we got. I also ordered a three-pack of leggings for a couple of my large dolls. One pair is dark pink, another is pale pink, and another is white with pale pink flowers. The tag inside Jadeās old faded lavender pants said T2 so thatās what I got. The waistband will probably be too big for Mei Lin, but I donāt plan on keeping her anyway.
The coolest part of yesterday was receiving Alyās gifts. As I told her, with our families being dead, assholes, or both, it meant a lot to me. She sent a beautiful necklace and bracelet she made using my favorite colors. In doing so she gave me a couple of ideas I never thought of before. One is to tie the beads off at both ends before I make the final knot. This would make it so much easier if it slipped out of my hand as I was trying to tie it. That way the beads wonāt go flying all over the place and need to be restrung.
Another thing was the wax cord with the claw clasp already attached to it. I was really into magnetic clasps for a while until I realized what a pain in the ass they can be by grabbing other things. Chains would wind themselves around it, so I went back to traditional claw clasps or toggle clasps. Whatās cool about these cords which come in a variety of colors from what I saw on Amazon is that you can restring whatever beads you want on them to suit your mood or match the color of your outfit. Never thought of a changing necklace before but thatās a great idea!
So my necklace is on a pink cord with rainbow beads and a really pretty pink crystal cube dangling from the center of it. The necklace says āLady Rainbowā with pink purple and gold beads mixed in. I will always treasure them!
Plus there was a card, a cute nail file with pink hearts, and vanilla lip gloss.
Anyway, I slept well again. Crashed at about 5 p.m. and got up at 1:30 a.m. to pee and take my meds. I laid back down and figured I would get up in a half-hour and make coffee, but I dozed off for another 90 minutes.
Weāre going to be taking care of all the animals today, including moving Fuzzy into the big cage. That cage is a little too big for one bale of bedding, but it would be perfect for him since heās smaller and doesnāt pee every other minute as guinea pigs do. Heās too fat to get through the bars and doesnāt have the strength to climb much anymore. He still gets around well otherwise and hasnāt lost his appetite yet or anything like that.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2020 Covered California sent us 4 high-quality masks. Theyāre dull colors with two of them being black and a couple of teal ones but theyāre comfortable and adjustable.
Iām completely dumbfounded by all the planes Iām hearing in the morning. People are just so damn stupid and they just donāt get it, do they? Everybody always thinks theyāre invincible until something happens to them. Wish I could jump ahead to January, not just so there wonāt be as many stupid people flying but so I donāt have to listen to it either. The airlines are just as bad for allowing this to go on, but theyāll do anything to make money and fuck who it affects along the way. If anything, theyāre starting earlier and earlier. First it was 5:40, then 5:25, and now itās 5:05.
Thanks, God. Thanks a fucking lot.
At least I finally got caught up on sleepā¦for now. Iām sure some attention-hungry fucker will wake me up again soon enough. I went from a sleep score of 80 to 86. I just worry that if there really is something up there cursing my sleep as seems to have been the case all my life, itās going to get around whatever blocks I set up in the future. I could soundproof, I could get a sleep pod, I could do whatever, and itās going to see that as defiant and maybe hit me with more nightmares or have me wake up more often just because. I still woke up a few times on my own, once to pee. But I feel much more rested and hope to start removing some of the wall stickers while Iāve got the energy.
The bulk pick-up trash people were late as usual, but someone took the bike.
When I was in the bathroom, I heard a bang. My first thought was that it was someone visiting Virginia but then when I went into Tomās room, he said it was them reading the meter. So much for him throwing hinges and weather stripping around it. People are just so damn aggressive when it comes to doors for some reason! The schedule predictor says Iāll be asleep for the next reading so as I told him, just pull the damn door out. They canāt slam what isnāt there. Thatās not a sound thing but a vibration thing. The thumping jolts the place so it doesnāt matter how loud I have the sound machines going at the time.
Also when I was in the bathroom, I heard buzzing and thought, oh shit. The damn cock across the street is back with the sawing again. But it was the people working on the trim again. I donāt know if they had to fix something they didnāt do right the first time around or do the final touches on it but they werenāt there long, and even though I could hear some of it inside the house, it wasnāt loud. It was fun watching them leave as I was unwinding in bed on our little spy cam. I have the WYZE app loaded on my phone.
They didnāt work on the new house yesterday, but the trailer is still there. I donāt hear much of anything they do inside the house anyway. Itās their damn vehicles that are loud.
Iām seeing chicken breasts in a whole new light. It used to always be my least favorite part of the chicken because I just never thought white meat tasted as good and it tends to be drier. Yet it came out great yesterday in the slow cooker. I just need to make it a little cheesier. So instead of seasoning it and putting it in the cooker with chicken broth in it, Iām doing that but also adding parmesan cheese, additional slices of Swiss cheese, and a slathering of mayo and sour cream over the top of it.
After sharing the link to an entry from my recipe book on PB with Aly, I warned her it was coded and that I would see her on my visitor report. Of course I didnāt, though, and just as I predicted she would, she never told me that no, she wouldnāt show up. This is either because she didnāt click on it or is hiding. I suspect sheās been reading me at times to compare what I send her versus what I share with others out of curiosity but is flying under radar.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2020 Forget about being woken up in the daytime. Now I canāt even sleep at 11 at night! I was sleeping shitty to begin with too, because the purring cat was obnoxious with its choppy, grating, and non-consistent sound. I woke up many times along the way, including to pee, and when I saw it was 9:30, I figured it was safe enough to switch to pink noise. Wrong! At 11 was when a loud vehicle woke me up. Itās really fucking sad and infuriating that the need for attention has to extend into peopleās sleep. Really, if you feel you need the attention of just anybody and everybody that bad, see a therapist instead!
This is just ridiculous. Totally fucking ridiculous and Iām going to put the stereo back on. Itās here and itās set up so I may as well use it in addition to Alexa, but Iām not taking it with us because I refuse to ever again live practically in the middle of the street. I dozed on and off until 2, making a huge jump in my schedule. Now the planes are going crazy.
I wish I knew if we were going to be on one of them when it comes time to leave but thatās going to depend on how well or not so well the virus is contained, along with money. If it werenāt for those things, it would certainly be a hell of a lot less stressful for Tom not to have to drive across the country, and easier on me since I canāt always sleep at night, wake up so easily, and am badly affected by lack of sleep. Plus, itās safer to fly than to drive when you get the virus out of the picture. I donāt know that weāll know either way for sure until we know what weāre going to get for the house.
I can see why circadian rhythm disorder seems to worsen with age. In my twenties and early thirties, once I was out, I stayed that way until I got up, and so it was a little easier to control my schedule back then. Not anymore! I have to stay in bed longer to make up for the sleep disturbances, and the fatigue hits me harder than when I was younger.
Tom was able to convert his appointment to a video appointment but now it will be in January instead of December.
The vaccine and our moving day canāt come fast enough as I was telling my buddy. I feel like Iām always stuck in this endless waiting game. And there are no guarantees it will be much better when we move. I mean, logically it makes sense that it should be if you get further from the street and get a sleep pod as well, but it seems something up there is determined to fuck with my sleep no matter where I am or whatās going on.
The bulk trash pickup is today but sometimes theyāre a day or two late. We put out the old pink and purple bike I got in Oregon, an old box spring and mattress, and the old, rotted gate that used to be in back.
The Swiss chicken I baked came out horribly. The meat was so tough that I thought it was still frozen when I tried cutting it. This time I seasoned it first and slow-cooked it in chicken broth and I think it will be a lot better.
Aly says I will get my birthday present Saturday, and that Molly deleted her on Fitbit probably because she hasnāt been as supportive of her since she hasnāt gotten the same support in return. I told her the message disappeared when I tapped on the notification and she said she deleted it because she figured I would react the way I reacted about Molly.
Yeah, I figured thatās why she deleted it but why is she so defensive of this person whoās never really been a true friend to her? Molly is bipolar. Theyāre nothing but non-stop drama and trouble as Iāve told her, but she doesnāt seem to want to hear it. Oh well. Itās still her life and her choice.
Twice I had to ask her if we were going to meet Cam if we ended up driving through there and she said that would depend on his schedule. Oh, I would bet just about anything that if we do drive, heāll definitely happen to be working.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2020 And again some bastard woke me up, probably one of the trucks leaving the new house that they started working on again. And just like I knew I would be, Iām tired, since the general rule these days is that once my sleep is broken up, Iām going to end up tired no matter how much more sleep I get when I finally get back to sleep. And that I am! However, I did manage to make my Swiss chicken. I just put it in the oven. Hope it comes out okay because the chicken was still partially frozen.
Going to switch from white noise and airplane to white noise and purring cat since the cat almost sounds like a motor itself and maybe it will blend in with the millions of ferociously loud vehicles this world has these days all because people just have to have attention no matter who it affects. Really, I canāt express just how fucking sick of this shit I am! Thatās three times in less than a week that they woke me up. Then afterward, I woke up a million times just because and once to pee. Still not taking the stereo because I refuse to ever again live so close to the street, especially a busy one. Iām done with this shit. No, the past is not going to return to haunt me in this case because I wonāt let it. However, I may have to re-add the stereo when Iām sleeping during the daytime if I canāt tweak the sleep sounds just right. I donāt think thereās anything I can really do either way because of a combination of how loud vehicles are, how close to the street we are, and what this house is made of.
Last night at 3 a.m. the place started smelling of skunks and it even woke Tom up. As I told him, that was the first thing I thought of; that it would wake me up if I was asleep.
He installed two cameras, one on the patio and one in the carport. It makes recordings of āeventsā whenever there is motion and has excellent night vision as well. We checked it but the skunk we smelled didnāt come within range of the cameras.
Because central Florida is going to be a little colder and not as pretty as the Gulf Coast, part of me wishes I could end up falling in love with a park and finding it radically different than this one, but I know thatās just a fantasy. People are going to have loud vehicles there too. People are also going to do projects there.
The only things that may be more annoying in a rural setting than a park would be excessive barking, loose dogs, and possibly boom car stereos. But on the bright side, no one could get within a few yards of our windows and we would definitely be safer from hurricanes.
I used to not understand why just because you were older it meant you had to cut your hair off but now I get it. The older I get, the sicker I get of having long hair. I have yet to get, however, why most lesbians and bisexual women āhappenā to feel the need to cut their hair off just because theyāre attracted to women. I never could make the connection. Iāve been attracted to women yet never felt the urge to cut my hair off because of it. I want to cut it because Iām sick of dealing with it because thick curls are hard to care for, but not before a vaccine is available. Besides, like most older people, I dye my hair more than when I was younger, and this is easier to do with shorter hair. And when I say āshortā I donāt mean above the shoulders. No need for me to go that short.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2020 If Aly said everything that was on her mind, would she sound like Andy?
Speaking of him, I had a dream about him last night. The dream had to do with me missing him and being happy to get an email from him, unable to resist the urge to smile when I saw it was from him and knowing Iād replied even though I shouldnāt.
I do miss him at times in real life, but we could never resume our friendship because I know that he is who he is just like I am who I am. I would have the same problems I had with him half a decade ago and that I also had with him in the '80s and '90s where he believed every other thing I said was a lie (along with everything everyone else in the world said), and heād be the same old pushy, judgmental, argumentative person he always was, not to mention the fact that he could be incredibly insensitive when it came to physical and emotional suffering.
Thatās another thing that got to me when watching a Lifetime movie. When one actor said to another that they were worried she may be considering suicide, she answered with, āNo, thatās too selfish.ā
That right there told me how naive and uneducated the scriptwriter must be. If committing suicide is selfish, what about the terminally ill who choose the right to die? Really, calling someone who commits suicide selfish is like calling a paraplegic lazy.
Loved the one where this guy takes a bat to the neighborās noisy lawnmower. If only we could all just take a bat to the things that annoyed us, no repercussions, no nothing.
I also dreamed of my ENT. I donāt know why sheās been on my mind a lot. I certainly donāt have a crush on her, so I guess itās just that I hope to find doctors just as good in the new place and that I feel just as comfortable with.
In the dream, she was also a DEA and a singer but her last name was Spencer.
Iāve been doing some exercises to help increase flexibility since Iām learning more and more that flexibility isnāt always connected to weight. Iāve seen people bigger than me be more flexible.
We forgot the water was going off yesterday for a few hours, but Tom was lucky enough to have just finished showering when it did. Thatās why I try to avoid showers in the daytime. I had just finished brushing my teeth and had to rinse my mouth out with bottled water.
We ran out to Rite-Aid yesterday. Same cashier as last time. She changed her fake nails and I showed her my latest nail stickers. Of all the things I could pick on myself for, I really did get blessed in the nail department. Yes, I have ridges but at least I can grow them if I want to. Iāve seen nails so short that theyāre like little stripes across the tips of the fingers theyāre on and wider than they are longer. Mine could never be wider than longer even when theyāre cut short.
There is never a quiet moment these days in this park. The freeway is roaring at night and the planes are zooming overhead in the daytime. I still canāt believe the constant never-ending traffic on Eisenhower. It doesnāt matter what time of day or year it is. There is always a heavy and constant flow.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2020 My skin is dry as hell. Oh, the joys of living in desert and desert-like climates for the last 28.5 years! Itās going to be 70 degrees tomorrow. First time itās ever been that high in December in all the years Iāve been here!
I wonāt be making any Swiss chicken tonight. Thanks to the pandemic they didnāt have chicken breasts when Walmart delivered this morning. Weāll try again in a few days, but honestly, I wouldnāt have the energy to cook tonight anyway thanks to whatever fucker (probably a motorcycle) woke me up in the middle of my sleep. It took me nearly an hour to fall back asleep and I just didnāt sleep well overall with the stress of knowing something else could go roaring by.
Tom assures me that we really will get a quieter house on a street where less traffic goes by. God, I hope to hell heās right! And please, no more commercial planes, small planes, military planes, helicopters, and every fucking flying object in the world along with the obnoxious buzz of the freeway! As it is, I swear Iāve been hearing something loud running off in the distance and itās 2:30 in the morning. I donāt know if itās some kind of construction or a woodchipper running or what but even the nights suck here. The pandemic has quieted the commercial planes at night but the mornings are still rocking. If anything, theyāre starting a little earlier than usual. 5:25 on the dot.
But I swear that when the damn motorcycle went by, the volume on Alexa wasnāt turned up as high, almost as if something up there wanted it to wake me up. Then I swear I heard it get louder again later on. Am I losing my mind or did I really hear that?
I am extremely grateful right now that he doesnāt have to work due to the virus. Every 1 in 1100 people in the US dies from it and itās now the leading cause of death in the US. Iāve beaten the odds on more than half of those winning cruises! I read that Russia and the UK have begun mass vaccinations so hopefully, weāll get ours within a few months.
I did a Twitter poll asking if anyone knew more about me than I think they do thatās significant. I got a yes and a no and I wonder if both votes came from Aly to throw me off her scent. If itās Aly that said yes and it really is true, then how? A paid search? Hacking me somehow?
I know sheās lied about doing a paid search on me. What she said to Molly about finding out whoās behind accounts, finding my old account, visiting a secondary PB account I used to have that I hadnāt used in a whileā¦Iām no idiot.
The question is why she bothered to look me up. I know she didnāt sign up for a paid search solely with me and mind, but she had to have looked me up for some reason. Was it just genuine curiosity or was she looking for something to use against me? Aly has never come off as the vindictive type like the termites. Not without doing something really serious to her. She didnāt do anything to me when she dumped me.
She tweeted that she would lose a lot of friends if she shared everything that was on her mind. Yeah, I know. Thatās why I wonder just how true of a friend she really is at times. She seems to be sincere most of the time, but I still think those tweets about thinking often of ghosting someone and making herself harder to find were indeed about me. I learned just what she really thought of me when I spotted a tweet of hers saying she was excited that I wouldnāt be around for a couple of weeks when we went to Florida.
It is still kind of weird that weāre not connected on Facebook, no matter how much she says she doesnāt like Facebook, just like Maliheh and I were never connected there. Also, thereās got to be some reason she wonāt share a picture of Cam or her address. What does she think I would possibly do with that information? This is why I sometimes wonder if the guy is even real since she has, after all, shared her parentsā address. Intelligent or not, thatās still one hell of a game to be playing for this long if she really is.
Since our smart smoke detector expired, he installed a basic one. It doesnāt beep nearly as loud as smoke detectors usually do. It gives off 3 beeps for fire warnings and 4 for carbon monoxide.
I had a dream I was playing with a rat in some building. I was letting it run around loose and then I picked it up. My dad was there, and I let him crawl on him and sniff him out curiously, ensuring my dad he wouldnāt bite.
Then I was going to be sharing a small two-bedroom apartment with a couple of deaf women. They were surprised to find I knew ASL.
I just got a great idea for the cute popcorn tin. Well, Iāve been wanting a utensil organizer but theyāre more expensive than you think so maybe when we get settled, we can use the tin and he can print out dividers to insert so things wonāt slip down and will remain upright easier. Another possibility for it is small doll clothes.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2020 Made my dinner of Pacific whiting with some shredded green, yellow and red peppers, and diced onions. Later Iāll have some chicken wings.
Tomorrow Iām going to be trying a new recipe, Swiss chicken. I donāt remember who it was, but I was reading a random journal on PB where someone mentioned it. I looked it up out of curiosity and decided it was a recipe I would like to try.
My weight is down a bit because I didnāt eat much yesterday mostly because I was just too tired to cook anything. So I can lose weight but I canāt because Iām not going to have just 1000 calories every single day and live on nothing but meat and veggies. Then again, I still donāt think I would lose much more than a few pounds even if I could stick to the same old limited low-cal diet.
What was weird was that yesterday I wasnāt just tired, but more like that rundown kind of feeling you get when you have a cold. I didnāt even wear my Fitbit until I went to bed because I knew I wasnāt going to get shit for steps.
They replaced Virginiaās trellis along her carport yesterday, but it wasnāt loud enough to wake me up. I thought I heard something when I got up to pee at 8:30 so thatās probably what it was since it didnāt seem loud enough or sound right to be the bastard with the saw.
This is the longest weāve known that bastard not to do any sawing and Iām wondering if I was right about suspecting he had some kind of job connected to construction that he isnāt doing anymore. Maybe heās now fully retired or is staying home because of the virus but he definitely has seemed to be home more often yet quieter.
āOr maybe he finished working on the house,ā Tom said.
Yeah, or maybe he got sick or someone finally complained about him. Who knows? I just like him better when heās quiet.
Just had a weird experience where it felt like I wasnāt getting much air when I was breathing. I could breathe fine, itās just that it didnāt seem like there was any oxygen in the air I was breathing.
My TMJ had been doing great ever since I saw my ENT last summer with just a few annoying days but lately, itās been annoying me again.
Took a peek in on Times Square when it was midnight there. Couldnāt believe all the kids that were out! My mother let me stay up later on weekends too, but not until midnight.
Iām working out a little differently tonight. Iām spending 5 minutes working my arms and then 5 minutes walking around the house briskly. Then in an hour or so Iāll work my core for 5 minutes and walk for 5 minutes. In another hour Iāll work my legs for 5 minutes and walk for 5 minutes. So 15 minutes of cardio and 15 of working various body parts.
Started beading a Y-necklace and it looks a little weird so I put it down for now and will return to it later with a fresh perspective and decide whether or not I want to restring it a little differently.
Got a notification from Google saying that after 2 years of inactivity when it comes to Google Docs, blogs, and other things, theyāll close your account down. My creations are like my children. Mothers do what they can to see that their children survive, and I still feel compelled, for whatever reason, to see that my journals live on in cyberspace for as long as possible after Iām gone. But then it hit me that the sites my stuff is on wouldnāt necessarily be around forever. I donāt know if they would be archived in some kind of time machine or what, but I realize that there are no guarantees. However, I figured I could help keep my account active by creating a picture blog where a random picture of me is scheduled to post every year beginning in 2030, not that I donāt expect to be alive then. But this way, if anything were to happen to us both suddenly and unexpectedly, maybe that will ātrickā Google into thinking the account is still active. Iāll start slowing the future journal blog posts down too. Instead of having a month publish every day or so, Iāll start stretching it out into the future once I get to the 2020 journals. Or maybe not.
Had a bunch of weird dreams that didnāt make much sense. In one I was watching a bunch of people enter a large foyer in a large house one night and was surprised that not one of them had a mask on. Then one of the guys was swabbing everyoneās mouth.
Then I was late for some kind of school I was attending and couldnāt find the phone I normally took with me, so I had to find another device to take.
Then I was digging through some stuff and found some things Iād forgotten about, including some plants that may or may not have been real.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2020 Iām now officially a semi-senior! Well, if thatās what turning 55 is considered anyway.
Then having fun with my new pink 7-layer organizer. I know some people see this sort of thing as a chore but itās fun for me to get organized. I hate having to dive through piles of stuff to find things anyway. I didnāt fill all the compartments as I plan to rearrange things again once we get settled. Iāve already packed some things that this organizer would be great for and will probably get a few more eventually. Itās mostly going to be for jewelry, hair accessories, sewing stuff, and maybe even some doll stuff. The clear apple-shaped case it came with is adorable.
These organizers may have been money well spent but the nail striping tape wasnāt. No matter how well I reinforce it, it peels right off.
Sundae got back to me but rather than giving me a yes or a no as to whether or not they deal with manufactured homes on leased lots, she asked for my address and offered to do a phone call.
I didnāt want to ghost her so I replied thanking her for getting back to me and letting her know up front that we donāt plan to put the house on the market until March, but I did give her the address as Iām curious to see what she has to say. I donāt want to get my hopes up on these people to find that they wonāt work with us. I sure hope they will, though, and the fact that she didnāt give me a flat-out ānoā gives me hope! This would be a million times easier than taking the traditional selling route. To not have to deal with showings and to know exactly when to expect what and to be able to leave crap behind would be wonderful but only if theyāre willing to deal with us and not rip us off. We agreed that accepting less than 60k would be ripping ourselves off. You only have 60 days from the time you get paid to get out. I guess this is so you donāt have as much time to gut the place and all that.
Weāre still going to prep the place as planned. I absolutely love having washerless shower handles! I swear our next place is not going to have a single washer in it except for the ones that wash clothes and dishes!
Tomorrow will be the big test for the new sleeping sound setup unless they come early and Iām up late. Itās funny how big of a difference there is between volumes 7 and 8. 7 is a little too soft and 8 is deafening. Tom brought up a good suggestion and asked if there was a 7.1 or something like that. Well, Iāll try starting at 7 when it comes time and then ask Alexa to raise it to 7.5 and see if it gets a little louder.
Iām so glad my genius husband told me that yes, there is a command to get speech-to-text to write quotes for dialogue when doing stories. It must be a new thing because Iāve looked for ways to do that in the past and never could find any. But āopen quoteā and āclose quoteā work great!
I hope itās just the Fitbit or the app thatās having issues because Iām still seeing dips in my HR even when Iām sure the Fitbit is snugly against me and not too loose or anything. Just yesterday I watched it zig zag from the 70s and 80s to the 50s and 60s before it settled into the usual 80s and 90s.
Thought of a hilarious revenge story that would be fun and therapeutic to write in the way that the other story was that involves the sickos in Arizona. This one would deal with the termites. Termite Tammy might die before I do and the Arizona sickos may be gone around the time Iām gone, but the baby termites will still be around if I schedule it to launch after Iām gone just like the other story.
Itās going to be revenge with a supernatural twist. The drama queen can be sitting on Facebook, for example, when a message pops up saying something like, āPartly thanks to you, I lost 6 months of my life. You are going to lose 6 things that are very precious to you one by one.ā
But then the message disappears as if it never existed leaving her with nothing to run to the bacon with.
Meanwhile, Mark and her twisted offspring make 4. The fifth loss could be losing her home and possessions in a hurricane. The last loss could be to lose her sight in an accident or something.
Yeah, I think this just may be fun. But not until I finish my crazy female serial killer story.
Laterā¦
Everyone I figured Iād get a birthday wish from on Facebook did in fact send birthday wishes with one exception. Minnie surprised me with a message. Until now, it seemed that all she wanted to do was add me and then ignore me.
Iām not surprised that Mitch, Adonis, and Jessie blew me off and I really wasnāt sure as far as Eileen went. Didnāt hear from her, though.
It was kind of funny how the birthday wishes changed languages depending on the time of day. They started off in German since theyāre ahead of us and then changed to English.
My birthday went from fun to frustrating when the garbage and recycle trucks woke me up three fucking times. It isnāt just insanely loud engines but thereās something on those damn trucks that make a really loud bang. Whatever it is, itās insanely loud and itās just fucking ridiculous that someone has to be woken up just because itās trash day. I really REALLY hope to hell weāre done with this shit when we move!
I tried it out, but Alexa doesnāt do any in-between volumes. It doesnāt matter either way because no matter how loud I blasted the fucking thing, I could still hear them loud and clear. Hell, they are still just a few feet away and these walls are barely thicker than cardboard.
Itās been interesting hearing from those who have sought help from a dietitian, but I doubt Iāll see one since I still donāt think they could tell me what I donāt already know. Iād rather spend the money reducing my boobs, not that I likely ever would. The biggest thing I would love to have would be to get my vision corrected and out of glasses for at least a decade, but I donāt think thatās possible. Instead, the only elective procedure Iāll probably get done is pit hair removal.
Despite the rude awakenings, good news came in the mail today. COVID Unemployment has been extended for another 20 weeks and he doesnāt have to look for a job until heās told otherwise. He still wants to see about getting in with Amazon and then whether or not he can transfer to a facility in Florida. However, and as I told him, I have two strong vibes right now and thatās that heāll never again work in the state of Cali and we are going to fly out of here.
One down, one to go! Pretty sure Sundae would be happy to give us an offer when the time comes. Then all we have to do is hope they donāt want to rip us off and offer us $20,000. If they really mean it as far as being okay with not making as much of a profit per house as they claim in their video, I donāt see why they wouldnāt agree to not go lower than 60K since they could almost certainly get 80K-90K for this place once itās been remodeled and well, 20-30 grand is still a substantial profit. But I guess that unlike traditional real estate agents who try to make a bigger profit off of fewer people, they settle for a lesser profit from more people.
I can see where it wouldnāt be wise to tell them up front we donāt want to go under 60K because then they might be like, āOkay weāll give you that much then,ā whereas we could have gotten 80K instead.
Anyway, no guarantees but itās looking like yes, this house might very well be sold to Sundae which actually focuses on houses that are outdated. Iāve always had a strong feeling that this place would go to a flipper. So theyāll remodel it and then someone can pay a fortune to listen to all the planes, traffic and landscaping. Oh, and have their water turned off periodically too. I was just thinking how this has been one of the longest times weāve gone without them turning off the water, but then we got a notification that itās going off for a few hours on Monday.
Bridgette, the woman Iāve been communicating with, thanked me for the info and asked if she could reach out to me after the new year and I told her she could and thanked her for putting a smile on my face for my 55th birthday.
She replied with a birthday gif, LOL.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2020 When I asked Aly if her doctor was aware of her low-calorie intake, she assured me her weight wasnāt down because of starving and that she doesnāt let herself go hungry for too long and that itās because of her Crohnās disease. Then she goes in Tweets in her other account that while she gets that some people mean well, one of the reasons she doesnāt discuss her health issues is because people butt in when itās not necessary.
But sheās the one who brought it up. Why do some people write about certain things or tell people whatever and then get all bent out of shape when the person reading it, out of curiosity, has a question about it or a comment to make? Wouldnāt it be a lot easier to just not bring these things up in the first place if you canāt handle what questions or feedback you may get? Thatād be like my getting mad at someone after telling them I couldnāt figure out what was wrong with my Fitbit and they suggested a possible culprit/solution. Seriously, you have no right to get upset if youāre the one who opens the door in the first place. Sorry, but youāre a coward if you canāt go directly to the source. What was language created for if not to use it to communicate and express yourselfā¦to the proper people?
It makes me wonder about a couple of other things. How many other things am I supposedly saying or asking that offend her, and why doesnāt she tell me if I upset or annoy her that much?
I thought about confronting her but then that would be verifying that yes, Iām aware of her other account when I would prefer her not to be too sure of that (unless sheās hacking anything of mine) because this way I get to see more of her true colors on whatās really on her mind. Especially since she wonāt come to me directly, but thatās okay because, in a sense, Iām not going to her about it either. At least not directly. Iām kind of going about it in a roundabout way, dancing around the subject but bringing up the same point. I guess we both just want to keep the peace. If she has no way to read my private journal now, sheāll know about it in the future since Iām guessing there is a good chance she may read whatever I make public after Iām gone.
She says my package will be late and that sheāll be sending it Friday, but I told her not to worry about it since she has a lot more important things to deal with right now.
Laterā¦
I was browsing around EarthCam and itās pretty cool. Love how I can see many different cities in many different states, including other countries. As much as I hate big cities and cold climates, I love to look in on Times Square. Thereās always something to see even in the middle of the night. Itās great because itās like being in the city without being in the city. I can look in and listen for as long as I want and then click right out of it and be done with it. Wish I could do that here!
What surprises me is the temperature being in the upper 30s at this time of year in the dead of night. Thatās not what I remember the temps to be when I last lived in the Northeast.
Iāve seen people in red jumpsuits sweeping the area where there are scattered tables and chairs, Iāve also seen plenty of cop cars and of course tons of taxis. There was even a small crowd that formed a circle around some street dancers, and this was at 10:30 at night.
Itās always so light even in the middle of the night because of all the giant digital billboards. It seems to throw the pigeonsā schedule off because theyāre usually nocturnal, yet I occasionally see them hunting for scraps of food on the ground.
What I donāt get is how so many people can sit outside at the tables and gab away at 3 in the morning as if it was the middle of a beautiful day.
I changed the ratās cage a little while ago. His tumor almost seems like itās not growing which is a bit unusual. Usually, they keep growing steadily and quite fast too. He shared a fresh lettuce leaf with Blitz while I worked on his cage. I picked out all the wasted leaves from the pig cages. Damn, those guys are so wasteful!
Last night I made the prettiest bracelet yet. It is just so beautiful and so me! Very pink and shiny. I alternated between hot pink and bright white lava beads with rainbow gemstone separators.
My first attempt at making a daisy bracelet was a bust. The first one came out okay, but I struggled with the second one.
Using Nature Sounds for Sleep seems to be really helping a lot. The real test will be trash day but if they come early, I might still be up. Iām still going to want a backup to Alexa even if we leave the stereo behind, and itās looking like we will at this point. If the net went out or there was a power failure, Iād want to have a portable sound machine as a backup. One that isnāt 20 years old like the one Iāve got is. Iāll take the old one until itās replaced, though. Just not the stereo.
We talked about me getting permanent hair removal done under my arms since for some reason shaving irritates the hell out of me these days and I would want to be shaved year-round there, and maybe even check into seeing a dietitian once we get settled and know what our money is going to be like. Iāve got mixed emotions about a dietitian. Part of accepting myself as I am means doing what Iāve been doing for the most part and thatās not trying to change things. Also, I donāt see what they could tell me that I donāt already know. Iād have to cut my calories lower than I could stand and do tons of working out to maybe lose weight that will only come right back. We know there are no magic foods or magic food combinations but just some foods that can make it easier to gain weight.
But then I didnāt think Amy could help me as much as she did, and I realize that staying this heavy isnāt good for me even if over two-thirds of me is muscle. Itās much harder to get around and I know it canāt be good for my blood pressure, cholesterol, and shit like that. I know I canāt diet and exercise it off as most people can, so I suppose that if the opportunity ever presented itself it canāt hurt to at least try one and see what they say. Maybe they can really tell me something I donāt already know.
But then what about my old 250-pound GYN? Why canāt they help her get the weight off if she doesnāt want to get the gastric sleeve? Sheās a doctor. If she canāt lose weight, how could I?
Facebook might have actually done us a great favor for once and for all with all the stupid unwanted suggestions they throw in my newsfeed as if I canāt look things up on my own, by throwing in an ad for a company called Sundae. If there isnāt some hidden catch and they would be willing to give us the minimum of what we want for this place and they donāt exclude manufactured homes on leased lots, they would make things a million times easier for both of us. They give you a quote and youāve got 60 days to get out (so you donāt have as much time to gut the place or anything). You not only wouldnāt have to deal with having to show the place, but they say you can also skip the repairs and leave all your junk behind too. That would be a huge convenience for us not to have to deal with Goodwill coming to pick up what they would take and the pressure of having to find ways to get rid of what they wouldnāt.
It would also make the move itself easier because we would have a much better idea of when we needed to be out of here whereas if we went about it the usual way, we have to wait until everything closes and we wouldnāt know exactly when that would be right down to the day. So it would be a huge convenience for us because then we could line up the dates easier as to when to get plane tickets if we were flying, schedule a pod to pack our stuff in if it was going to be shipped, or when to get a U-Haul if we were going to drive across.
If we go with them, we may not contact them until late March because we still donāt want to leave too early. Iāve been ready to go for years but the plan is to arrive in the summer when the heat, humidity, and all those allergens are at their worst so I can get a sense of how Iām going to handle it.
But damn, would that make things easier and be really cool if we could just take what we wanted, sell whatever we could get money for that we didnāt want, and simply walk off and leave the rest behind!
Itās nice when I have dreams that are funny, unique and weird instead of really crazy or scary. In last nightās dream, the group home Molly lives in was right here in my city and I guess it always had been. I thought to myself that I had yet to meet anyone in person that I met online and decided why not go meet Molly and change that?
In real life, Iāve never wanted to meet her or be her friend just because she reached out to me because I was friends with someone who didnāt want anything to do with her at the time. Iām over the hard feelings I once had for her due to the way she stalked me, but I could never forgive her mother because of the way she should have known better. She did what my sister did. She aided her daughter in stalking me.
So while it may be the last thing I would ever do in real life, I went to visit her, and when we checked in at the front desk, I told them who I was and they went to talk to Molly to make sure she would see me. They returned just a few minutes later to take me back to see her.
Tom waited in the waiting room while I went and visited with her. Where it got strange was that when I returned to the waiting room and we were looking for our shoes which they made us take off for some reason, I couldnāt remember a damn thing about the visit. I couldnāt remember what we talked about or anything at all about it. My mind was completely blank, and I realized I wouldnāt be able to document in my journal what our discussion was about or what Molly was like. All I could do instead was have the silly and irrational fear that Aly would be angry with me for going to see her when in reality neither of us cares who the other sees as thatās our right as adults, of course.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2020 Listening to my Discovery Mix right now that Amazon threw together for me. They choose 25 songs every week and not one of them has appealed to me yet. Music today is so boring. Itās like everything sounds the same. It just isnāt what it was in the 70s and 80s.
Iām a light pink sparkly lady tonight! This was from the same set that Tom tested a piece of on his middle finger which is still holding up. I applied that tea tree base coat and yes, they definitely seem to adhere better to that. I could feel it as I was applying them. Only one nail did I not put a base coat on just to see if there was a difference. They look gorgeous but they are still kind of thick and snag in my hair if I run my fingers through it. So much so that I can see a very thin faint clear ring of plastic they put around the edges to try to thin the edges down.
The set of file boxes came today so I set those up. Iāve got five different brands in my five boxes plus a couple of extras in one of them since Iāve got about seven different brands right now.
The other night I did some video tweets and found they didnāt cut off anything I was saying. I do them in the dark, so thereās just a black vid. Maybe Iāll do some more tonight. I really hope Voice Notes comes to Android early in the year!
If I didnāt know we were moving in a matter of months, the number of helicopters Iāve heard since I got up would make me want to beat my head into the wall. Itās ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous. So are the projects. Amazingly, though todayās only woke me up for a second despite being so loud and so close. In fact, had I known what was coming as I was going to bed, I would have had a ton of trouble falling asleep.
Initially, it was a nightmare that woke me up. Then, as I was falling back asleep I heard a loud bang or something that I assumed was someone crashing into the speed bump if not something next door. Like maybe they banged one of their bins which are by the bedroom windows.
I raised the volume of the two sounds I had running on Alexa from 7 to 8 and then slept fine from there on out. I was really surprised to learn from Tom that todayās project was a woodchipper parked right outside the bedroom in the back. He went out to see what all the racket was and where it was coming from. I went out to see if I could see what they cut down but I canāt tell. Iām thinking it might have been one of the cypress trees at the house next to Lawrence but canāt say for sure. Iām just glad it didnāt keep me awake for the hour or so that Tom said they were there. They could have been removing a tree stump instead of trimming trees but again, I donāt know. I just know that Iām tired of being woken up by shit that occurs when Iām sleeping and having to listen to it when Iām awake. We canāt get out of here fast enough! Even if the next place isnāt exactly peaceful, we could certainly do better than this. I just wish we had this premium Nature Sounds subscription ever since we moved in, but we didnāt even get our first Alexa till 2015. One of our best and purchases ever!
So the nightmare I had was strange. It was late at night and I was running to a two-story house we had with an old friend. That old friend might have actually been Jenny C. She ran ahead of me and I was trying not to be spooked out since I was running along streets late at night that wasnāt in a gated community.
Then I got to my house where Tom was upstairs in the bedroom already asleep and my friend, whoever she was, left a few minutes later.
I went upstairs for a little bit and then went back downstairs. I found we had a slider that was open and at first it didnāt hit me as strange. But then I realized my friend wouldnāt have left that way and that someone might have been in the house. I raced back upstairs and when I was halfway up the stairs, I saw a light come on somewhere downstairs. Then I became really scared and ran really fast to tell Tom someone was in the house. He quickly sat up and began to dial 911.
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Eira's Children (The Process tm)
So, again, I didn't really care for the way the first gen looked ((note: called first gen because they're related to Gen 01's heir, and splinters from the main line then)) because of the unnatural skin, the messed genetics of hair color and eyes (THOSE ARE LIKE MY FAVOURITE PART NOW TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS) and in general they were also pretty empty. I didn't really play with characters not the heir in the beginning so most of the siblings are pretty empty. I then manufactured families for them and tossed them into the immortal (old) save. The idea was to get around to playing with them, but they were already so empty i didn't really know what to do.
So i remaded them.
Now, i didn't *actually* go in game, get Eira pregnant, and then saw how the child came out. Mostly because i was impatient and sims getting pregnant feels like forever and 5, plus getting the correct gender and twins, and gwjlfdkljk IMPATIENT (on some things <3). So i used the CAS genetics.
Also, names. I had Disney for Snow's last name on the official file for the longest time, and then gave them last names in the immortal file. So, the first gen was last name White, and then in the future as the heir's were girls they got their father's last names. So wide variety (i would get bored with just one last name (hides)). Also i kinda headcannon that even tho they're related and big important figures no one like, immediately knows of their empire, because of the names. You have to do some surface digging to see how they all relate. (but also i get a little uncomfy at nepotism allegations so IN PROGRESS). So, right now as they all have different fathers they get the different names.
Also, this is where when picking out fathers as a older person gets a little weird, because im PICKING. Like, i can make the fathers outright, making a lot of decisions. And that got me thinking of cultures and races and like, i didn't want all of them to be *white*, but also they gonna have different cultures even if they're white, but also they're being raised by their mom (snow white is a german tail, i kinda think Eira would have been brought up with more german practices). But also i get uncomfy of the thought of "european blood colonizing as it do" because she's german so. I kinda made it mostly european nations? But mostly because in the later generations they're pretty varied and i tried to not do doubles too much because then i get a more cultured experience researching but ughhh. See the wheels turning in here guys.
But I was thinking of culture because when i went to "popular now" on the gallary they were all the same kind of "look" on the sims. And then when i downloaded a handful i got catfished ._. BY SIMS. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS A THING TILL THEN ;;;; __ ;;;; i was like "am i going crazy???" and then googled and yup it's a thing. mostly on single household sims. be careful out there guys.
So i was trying to search for more variety. So here's whatended up happening. This time i have all the sims' father because they're on the gallery, so I'll be shouting them out because without them i wouldn't have gotten the sims im now committed and really like them.
Can i just mention that i didn't realize how much loading and waiting and managing it is for downloading and mixing genes through cas? it was so, not completely lagging but yes laggy. like, the buffer time was kinda crazy. But it was fine, I can be patient, promise.
Phoenix is literally the same, no genes needed. he's my baby boy baby. We're just pretending Eira was unsure of the father for her first born, and when writing the papers wrote down "White". Im thinking about it because White is a nice nudge here to the Snow White thing, but also why doesn't she just put down "Thyme" since he's *her* son? why put down a random color? Im still thinking on it if there's a random guy named White out there, because im pretty sure White is an official surname out there. But yeah i couldn't bring myself to do it, I've played as him too often on too many random things (L me fr)
Lamia's dad is russian (which, on reflection looking through her profile, might have been an overestimate but oh well, it was tagged) if you want to find him ur gonna have to go to AlexiaVR's profile and scroll down to march of 2020 because through some witchcraft (the hearts prob) you can't search for it through item.
Basilisk, as the adopted boy, had more leeway in genes so i needed a mom and a dad for him. I ended up trying for more greek parantage (the percy jackson never leaves). I had to pick Athena, literally how did someone make a sim that beautiful. Obsessed i tell you. And then i got some random dude (up above, the theodokis, i can't write accents on this gosh darn american keyboard im writing straight in tumblr) and do i simp a little? yes. just a little. But also i promise i didn't do anything, idk why Basilisk is that broad either i didn't do shit.
i will not lie, idk who this man is. He's the twin's father on the gallery, but i don't have his saved. BUT he's probably a remixed Chasity Burnadette here, since they have the same lastname. And they look vaguely similar. So, :p The twins ended up twinning hard. Also, tho, i knew a person with the lastname Bernadette and i couldn't really look at it without thinking of her so, i changed the name to Laurent (Great Pretender influence there, shameless.)
Nephele is super tricky, because i have to change her by hand. I cant really change her being her genes go on to become the other people, so she has so remain facially the same (and same hair color because next gen has blond people). I didn't change her skin tone to be an inbetween because i actually did have a classmate in the 5th grade that was half black, but she was literally as pale as a sheet. I didn't know about her dad at all until we were showing off some projects we'd made at the end of the year and saw them, mind-blowing stuff for a child. at that point i had thought all half white, half black children were exactly a mix, so glad i got that misconception out of the way before it buried itself too deeply. I did give her a different name, however, because i don't know the history of the irish that well, and it was a randomly generated name so I wasn't took comfortable with it.
And for Arachne ngl, I just used this guy but on the side someone was like "this cas *doesn't* need hearts" and im feeling a little weird about it now;;;;; not really sure why they said that but it got me feeling weary, and i googled so the last name on there isn't even a last name? or just common so (:P) weird realization to make midtype, quick fix. But she's supposed to skew Italian.
I think i'm crazy saying that some (arachne and lamia) look pretty similar to how they looked before. Like, their face vaguely resemble eachother, but that might just be the Eira genes. Also, now i think they truly look like siblings :333 and Basilisk looks more like an odd man out (love that for him). Idk, it gives me serotonin. Now they dont look like they're trying to be a rainbow. Congrats guys :333
Also, last note: apologies for the kind of out of nowhere, longwinded race/culture stuff in a post about the sims. I'm personally mexican (white passing tho) and (like most latino people) i've had to kinda grapple with identity (and the ways race and culture affect a person) a lot so I kinda personally added an element of grabbing with culture because of it. It's also important to me personally to try not to default to random gallery white men for everyone because im really vying for non-same face syndrome. Lastly, again, im trying for variety (names and features) and i thought just trying for sims across the globe would be the fastest way of doing that. Seeing what people have tagged :3 (because i don't use the gallery much in general)
okay next post will be the actual new sims :3
#german practices sounds borderline insultive im sorry i really can't think of better wording ;; __ ;;#whatever german practice means in a made up world without an offical german world#ig windenburg is old european-tutor inspo tho#imaging eira ran away from her rich windenburg parents in sim world#Eira Thyme#dplc#sims 4#Eira's Children#Phoenix White#Lamia Ivanov#Basilisk Theodokis#Griffin Laurent#Sphinx Laurent#Nephele Moise#Arachne Carello#you can see me over thinking the creation of sims#not the nutcracker suite popping up for the latter half#look at me#being so professional#IM BEING SO TRANSPARENT HERE
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