#also the sea monster/kraken for whatever reason likes him and its like… why what does it see why does it feel this way and act this way

[365days365movies]

March 15, 2021: Clash of the Titans (1981) (Part Two)

I think mythology is squarely out of the equation now.

We’re gonna have to go with the Disney’s Hercules route with this movie, huh? Enjoy it for what it is, and forget the ways in which is destroys the source material. Well...if I gotta, then I guess I will. OK then, on with the show! Check out Part One for more!

Recap (2/2)

So, Pegasus has been captured by Calibos and his guys. That’s gonna be a problem, since they needed him to cut the journey to the Grey Sisters in half. Well, it doesn’t matter, and the group heads there anyway. Perseus tries to persuade Andromeda, but she rightly points out that she’s the only royalty there, and they all technically her. She girl-bosses her way out of there, and the rest follow.

In Olympus, Zeus asks Athena where her helmet is, and she replies that it’s forever lost in the swamp. Damn, Hades is gonna be piiiiiiissed. Zeus demands that she provides a replacement: her owl, Bubo. And I have a mini-stroke because he just called a GODDAMN BARN OWL BUBO. See, Bubo is the genus that contains the horned owls, including the great horned owl, snowy owl, and eagle owls. They belong to the family Strigidae. Barn owls not only belong to a different genus (Tyto), BUT A DIFFERENT FAMILY ENTIRELY (Tytonidae). So why in the FUCK did they choose a BARN OWL to play Bubo? Or, why did they name it Bubo, considering the fact that Athena’s owl is a little owl (Athene noctua). ORNITHOLOGY RAGE

...Anyway, she understandably refuses. Which is when Hephaestus (Pat Roach) steps up to make a metal replica of Athena’s companion. And yeah, Athena loves her owl almost as much as I love owls. Shae that she’s shit at naming them accurately, though.

The mechanical owl is sent to meet up with the group, as they ride through the desert. And, uh...this clockwork owl is cool, but also goofy as fuck. Also, looks nothing like a barn owl, but whatever. The mechanical owl, also named Bubo, speaks in clicks and whirs, which Perseus can somehow understand. He leads them to the shrine of the Greae.

As they head through the mountains, I think this is a good time to remind myself that this movie came out in 1981. Because I gotta tell ya, this movie feels way WAY OLDER than that. It’s weird, but it really feels completely out of its actual time. It seems like it should’ve come, like 10 or 15 years earlier, at the very least. It’s a little bit of the Harryhausen thing, sure, but it’s also the overall tone and feel of the film. It’s hard to explain, but it feels...old. TOO old.

Anyway, the group makes it to the mountains where the sisters live, and leave Ammon and Andromeda at the base, leaving just Perseus, Thallo, and the soldiers. Bubo’s coming along as well, and...yeah, the owl throws shit off. Especially as we meet the surprisingly accurate Greae (Flora Robson, Anna Manahan, and Freda Jackson).

The Greae, or Grey Sisters, or Stygian Witches as they’re called in the film, are three blind sisters who share a mystical eye, in the form of an orb. They’re pretty goddamn great, honestly. Perseus uses Bubo to steal the eye, in order to give Perseus leverage and get the answer he seeks.

His question is, in this case, how a mortal man can defeat the Kraken. They tell him that he can do so by optaining the head of Medusa, the Gorgon, whose gaze yaddayaddayadda. Additionally, her blood is deadly poisonous. Perseus gives back the eye, and they head back down to Ammon and Andromeda. At a fire, Ammon tells the myth of Medusa. Here, though, she was a priestess of Aphrodite instead of Athena, and was...seduced...by Poseidon. Whoof. To be fair, the whole “raped by Poseidon” thing is a relatively recent revelation in scholarly circles, and to be even more fair...they probably couldn’t mention that shit in a movie for all audiences, especially in 1981.

Andromeda’s put off by the story of the dangerous Medusa, and worries greatly for Perseus. He tells her to stay behind, but she continues to insist on going with him. She goes to sleep, and wakes up to only Ammon, as Perseus has left her behind for her own safety.

Perseus and the soldiers make it to the shore, where Medusa’s lair lies on the “Isle of the Dead”. Said island is in...the River Styx...and to get there, you have to pay the ferryman...CharonOK LOOK.

MEDUSA DOES NOT LIVE IN THE UNDERWORLD, OK? She lived on an island either off of the Aegean Coast, or in Libya, for god’s sakes. She was NOT dead, she was cursed. And Charon WOULD NOT BE THERE, because the River Styx in in the GODDAMN UNDERWORLD. This is wrong on...so many goddamn levels. What’s next, is Cerberus gonna be here for some goddamn reason? Yeah, right.

Well, Perseus and the men, with the aid of Charon, make it across, and onto the Island of the dead. They see many statues here, and Perseus tells them to use the mirrored sides of their shield if they are to encounter Medusa. However, they encounter...Cerberus’ brother.

...Huh. I mean, at least it isn’t Cerberus. No, this is Orthrus, an actual mythological two-headed dog, and actually Cerberus’ brother. Orthrus manages to take out one of the soldiers, leaving Perseus and two guys for backup. Perseus kills him, and they head into Medusa’s temple to take her out.

The atmosphere in the temple is admittedly eerie, as the group does their best to make it through alive and undetected. One guy goes down by arrow shot, though, and soon after that, we see where the arrow came from. And unfortunately for him, so does the other soldier, first hand.

Perseus uses the mirrored shield to distract Medusa, who actually does look pretty great. This is, by the way, the one thing from the reboot film that I think they did pretty well, honestly. And I see that they got many of Medusa’s flourishes specifically from this film. Neat! Anyway, Perseus bides his time, but he gets her. He slices of Medusa’s head, killing the snakewoman outright. He collects the head, but leaves the shield LIKE A DUMBASS. Said shield is dissolved by Medusa’s blood, and Perseus leaves the temple.

On the other shore, Perseus reconvenes with the men and Bubo, and puts the head in a bag. There, of course, Calibos arrives, even though Bubo is SUPPOSED to be the LOOKOUT, goddamn it. Calibos knocks the useless Bubo into the water, and goes to work. He stabs the head, causing it to leak blood droplets that turn into three gigantic scorpions. Um...sure. The scorpions kill the other soldiers, Thallo included. Well, damn. However, Perseus is now PISSED, and kills both the scorpions AND Calibos in revenge.

Afterwards, Perseus drinks from the river, injured and weak. Finally, Bubo climbs out, deciding to be of some use for once. Perseus tells him to find Pegasus, who’s still being held captive by Calibos’ men and the giant vulture. Bubo agrees, and flies off to their camp, where he chases off the men and vulture. Yeah. A tiny golden owl who was defeated by WATER just fought off 5 guys and a giant vulture. AND set the camp on fire, AND released Pegasus. Geez, Bubo, way to wait until the last goddamn second to be useful.

Meanwhile, in Joppa...well, thinks aren’t amazing in Joppa at the moment. Time’s up, and Andromeda’s death date is here. Perseus, head in tow and...no sword. He forgot it with Calibos, didn’t he? DAMMIT PERSEUS PICK UP YOUR SHIT. Anyway, he stumbles back to the amphitheatre in Joppa, where he collapses. In Olympus, Zeus observes all of this, and Thetis tells him that it’s time to kill Andromeda with the Kraken. He’s been surprisingly cool with all of this for...some reason, and tells Poseidon to release the Kraken to kill Andromeda. But he also revitalizes Perseus in the process.

Off the coast of Joppa, Poseidon watches as the Kraken is released. And, uh...I think the time has come. See, the Kraken is the film’s version of the monster Cetus, who I always saw as a monstrous sea serpent. The film however...

...He looks goofy. Sorry, I AM SORRY, but he looks silly to me. It’s not helped by his noodle arms and weird fish body, I guess, but dude looks silly to me. I’ll give the 2010 movie credit, that Kraken actually did look pretty goddamn terrifying.

Well, as planned, Perseus makes his way there on Pegasus (it’s weirdly drawn out, though), and with Bubo assisting him, whips out his secret weapon: the head of Medusa.

And bing bang boom, before you know it, the Kraken’s a stone statue, and falls apart into the sea. Andromeda’s saved, the Kraken is dead, and Joppa cheers! Perseus decides to lose yet one more weapon, and tosses Medusa’s head into the sea. He frees Andromeda, and the two finally get married after all of that.

In Olympus, Zeus triumphs, having won over with his nepotistic bullshit. The other gods fear what would happen if other heroes like Perseus were to appear, and if humans could one day learn to have imagination and tenacity like him. But Zeus brushes it off, and forbids the gods from ever going after Perseus again. He gives Perseus, Andromeda, Pegasus, and Cassiopeia (for some reason) constellations. Because, yeah, that’s the kind of thing Zeus does.

Because, even if mankind abandons the gods, stars will last forever, and the stories of Perseus will last until the end of time.

And that’s Clash of the Titans! I have thoughts! I have thoughts. See you in the Review.