#also the first anniversary of my last miscarriage

[bigqueervillain]

Christmas sucks

[maximumkillshot]

"I Can't Lose You" Part 4

Warnings: Not as bad as the last 2 but here we go! , Aftermath of a miscarriage, some fluff, descriptions of grief due to losing a baby, Crying Lixie, Hannie, and Binnie. Shock, Grief, slight panic, fear of abandonment.

Pairing: Bangchan x Reader

Characters: OC Doctor Number 2, Stray Kids, Reader

A/N: Okay so this one is different from the other three, we are in a sort of lull in the angst with this one. It's time to be in Bin's head for a bit. Let's just say... this is a "building" chapter. It's time for some fluff as well... IF YOU WANT MORE TELL ME!

Also remember, this is a fan fic. All of the boys are so sweet IRL.

Stray Kids! Masterlist

Overall Masterlist

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ANY WORK THAT YOU SEE ON OTHER SITES THAT ARE MY WORKS PLEASE NOTIFY ME IMMEDIATELY.

PREVIOUSLY:

“And you? How’re you doing?” Bin asked. He knows Han has anxiety, seeing all of this and being as strong as he’s been is not easy. 

“I’m… Out of all people, Bin.” Han shook his head. Han has known Chan the longest and he would’ve never expected him to do this. 

“I know”

“Please tell me you didn’t hit him.” Han said.

“Nah… She needs me more than I need to beat him to a pulp… I don’t think he’ll be bothering her anymore though.” That’s at least what Bin hopes. Everything is so raw. A little less than 6 hours before this you were at a restaurant to celebrate your 3rd anniversary. Now everything was all wrong, a nightmare incarnate and no one can wake up from reality. 

“Hyung… She can’t go back to that house.” Han said as he took a deep breath.

“I know. All I know is that we'll do what she’s comfortable with.”

“Agreed…Bin?” Han asked.

“Yeah?”

“It should’ve been you with her from the beginning.” Han looked to Bin, a look of understanding and empathy for Bin. Han could always see the way Bin looked at you when no one else was looking. Everything you said would be committed to his memory, even the smallest things like which brand of sesame oil you like best for your bulgogi marinade. 

“I know. That doesn’t mean that I can’t be here for her from now on.”

Han just smiled and both of them went back into the room. 

NOW:

 Bin POV:

That night was terrible. Every 20 or so minutes, Y/N would twist and turn in pain as the contractions continued to decimate her. After about 5 agonizing hours, they started to subside, now a much duller version of what they once were, at least that’s what she tells me.  Felix and Hannie were so strong through it all and helped in any way they could. Feeding her ice chips, holding her hand, even something as simple as massaging her legs helped a great deal. There were no questions, no arguments, and most of all no mention of Chris.

There were some points where she needed all of us. Hannie and I held one hand each, and Felix rubbed her back. When she finally went to bed, well more like collapsed from exhaustion, the sun was out and the clock read 7:00 a.m.

As soon as we were sure she was out cold, that was when we had permission to collapse. First was Felix. I noticed his eyes getting red as he looked at Hannie, and then back to me. "This isn't fair," he petted her leg and tucked her in, trying to comfort her, even though she was completely dead to the world. "She didn't deserve this… they didn't deserve this…" At this point, tears are falling on the blanket freely. All I could do was walk over to him and hug him. I moved us back a little and closed the privacy curtain so that if she did wake up, she couldn't see Lix like this. Felix did his best to cry silently.

He was trying so hard to mute himself as he whispered into my shoulder, "I didn't get to hold the baby, Hyung… we didn't get to spoil the baby, change the baby… look into their eyes, hear them giggle." 

I know that feeling. I also wondered what the baby was going to look like. I would’ve bet the baby would’ve had her eyes. What if her quirks were another thing the baby would’ve inherited? Would they giggle at situational humor? Or maybe they would've had her sarcasm? That smile that’d light up a room? That used to light up a room. 

 I heard Han losing it behind me as well at what Felix was saying.

"S'not fair Hyung… deserved better…both of them did," Felix was doing everything to stay silent, even covering his mouth, trying to smother the sobs before they left his mouth. 

"I know… I know" was all I could say. She deserved so much more. She deserved so much more than to be cheated on. She deserved more than to lose her child. She deserves to be pampered, kept safe, loved. The fact that life is this cruel, regardless of the person, that also hit me hard. All she ever wants to do is help. That’s it. So why is she getting punished like this? Why does she have to pay for the sins of her husband? What sense does that make? It doesn’t.

Han’s footsteps caught my attention. As he walked to us I could see in his eyes he was losing it too. His eyes brimming with tears. I could tell, he felt like I did.  Helpless. Scared. Broken. He looked at Y/N as he walked towards us. Hannie seems like the type that would cry easily. He’s not. He really only cries when he’s angry, hurt, or frustrated. Otherwise he doesn’t cry in front of people. That’s why he doesn’t watch animated movies with me for the most part. He doesn’t want to cry in front of people. So seeing him like this…

I just opened my arms to him and he walked into them, huddling with Lix, his voice breaking, "There was so much blood, I can't…. She almost died because he was stupid and childish… a fucking coward… we almost lost her… our girl… Bin…" Hannie gripped into my hoodie, trying to ground himself. We always call Y/N our girl. Chris was always working, always distracted, always this or that. It’d take a toll on her. I would tell Chris to stop, to go home, spend time with her. I told him the tracks can wait, that she deserved to have him present for at least an hour or two. He’d always say that he could do ‘better things’ with his time. You’d think that he’d see his own wife as a person that he loves instead of a waste of time, that should’ve been the first red flag right there. 

Eventually, Han and I just started leaving his ass at the studio, picking up some food and making a “friend date night” with Y/N. We’d pile up in Han’s room, we’d watch anime, horror movies, or sometimes, just be around her. The first time we did that was a year into the marriage, when we did, she started to tear up. When we asked why she said that she hadn’t seen Chris. Always asleep before he got home and always awake long after he left. Even thinking about it now gives me chills, how could he leave a gem like Y/N at home? Knowing she’s waiting for him. Seeing her face that night squeezed my heart. I could tell that day that Han felt the same way. 

After that we always made sure to be home early every Friday and Saturday, and to clear the schedules for the most part on Sundays; Friday was movie night, Saturday was game or anime night, and Sunday was cooking date night, where we picked a recipe and made it together. Eventually Felix and Minho got in on it too, because what’s dinner without dessert and Minho said he wanted to make sure we were doing it correctly. Han and I knew the truth. We love spending time with her. It is that simple.

I felt Han and Lix’s tears soaking through my hoodie. I have never felt this helpless in my life. Y/N almost died in my arms, her baby is gone, Lix is mourning and sobbing on me, now Han is finally releasing some of what he’s feeling. All of these things I can’t control. I can’t help with any of it. The only thing that I can really do is be there for them. Even though, in my eyes, that isn’t a lot. 

"I know we almost lost her… but she's here, you see? She's right here." I had them peek through the curtain to see her sleeping form and they both looked at her. "You know what else? A doctor told me that a pregnant woman carries some fetal cells & DNA even after they give birth." I said as both went back to gripping me again behind the curtain. 

I continued, "That means that even though the baby didn't make it, that DNA still lives on in her." Just reiterating that fact, I even started crying. When the attending doctor told me that, Lix and Han were sleeping, while Y/N was in the bathroom, with one of the nurses. The doctor came in to check on her and they found me, on the verge of tears, trying to will them away. It was around 4am. The doctor is married to the same doctor that saved her life in the ER. 

She was very kind with soft eyes. The doctor knocked on the bathroom door to notify the nurse to take as long as they needed. Then she turned her attention to me. They asked me to follow her and we went into a consolation room.

“The chart says you’re family… But family doesn’t cry like that.” The doctor said as we sat across from each other. “I’m here to listen. Y/N wasn’t the only one who went through a trauma today.”

I couldn’t hold it anymore as I started to sob. Something about the doctor's presence permitted that, “I should’ve protected her from him. Right after they got married he disappeared. He’s my best friend, well was my best friend …” After that I couldn’t stop. I told her how I felt about him, how I felt responsible for it all, how helpless I felt, how it all would’ve been different. I even told her what I almost did to him, how my brain can’t wrap around how she must be feeling, knowing it’d hurt too much. I didn’t leave out one detail as I sobbed. 

She held my hand across the table, “You could’ve never predicted this. This is something that is unimaginable. You trusted him with her, and she’s your heart. That in and of itself takes courage, it shows that you truly love her. To put her happiness over everything else. There is a fact that I think is a small consolation, maybe it’ll bring you comfort…”That was when she told me the fact that I just told the boys.

"Binnie?" She asked and immediately I responded as my head snapped to the privacy curtain. I tried to keep my voice as steady as I could make it so that she didn’t get worried needlessly. 

"Yes?" I asked as I let Han and Felix go.

"Can I have cuddles, please?" She asked.  I immediately took off my hoodie, leaving me in my black sleeveless shirt, and went through the curtain. I saw her face relax when she saw me. It must’ve been scary after everything to wake up alone like that. I also saw her trying to shift in the bed to make room. I went to the other side to help her.

“Don’t worry, let me help you. I got you.” I cooed as I lifted her and helped her make room for me. Within seconds I got in the hospital bed with her.

"How could I say no to cuddles? Come here." I tried to be as gentle as possible with her as I cradled her. I could see in the way her body moves, it’s so sore. It was basically pushing fruitlessly for 5 hours straight after nearly bleeding to death. Her muscles had to be screaming every time she moved, that’s why I helped her do everything, from shifting and turning, to getting her in and out of bed. The only place she won’t let me go with her is the bathroom, which is completely understandable. 

I heard her huff in frustration. When I looked at her she was glaring at her IV.

“What is it?” I asked, a little chuckle in my voice. I may or may not have an idea of what it is.

She grumbled, “IV won’t let me wrap around my Dwaekki.” She even crossed her arms as she stared at the offending object. She gets this pout. It’s so cute but she swears she is scary. It’s like seeing a puppy trying to intimidate a Bulldog. It’s not intimidating, it's cute. Even more so when she’s pouting at an inanimate object, if I’m lucky she’ll try bargaining with it.

I laughed at that, “How dare it.” I glared at it too, making her giggle a bit. I got up and repositioned the IV pole, bringing it to behind the bed, giving her more than enough room to move. I glared at it and I said “I don’t want any more trouble from you.” That earned a full on laugh. It wasn’t the same as its normal volume or anything, but it was still more progress. As soon as I laid back down her arm wrapped around me as she sighed with comfort.

She looked up at me and I looked down at her, studying her features. I’ve always cuddled with Y/N. It’s not uncommon for her head to be perched on my chest, but seeing her like this, after what she went through and still is going through is making me think. I’ve never seen anyone as strong, caring, and genuinely good as her. 

Being with her is easy, it always has been. When I’m with her it all feels like breathing. She knows what type of person I am and I know what type of person she is. It’s like we balance each other perfectly. She likes comedy and romance movies, I like thriller and horror movies. She likes to learn languages. I hate learning languages, but she makes it fun. It’s like we push each other to be better. She fits perfectly. She molds perfectly to me, her hand fitting perfectly in mine. Every day I shoved all of this away, and every night I dreamed of her. I would hold on to those dreams so tightly. Some dreams are as simple as seeing her smile while I wrap my arms around her waist. Nothing sexual about it, just letting her know that I was behind her. Others we are just existing, laughing. The only real difference was me wearing a matching wedding band to hers. Those hurt. But only for a minute or two.

All of these thoughts are dangerous. That’s what I told myself for years now. The more I see her the more I see those thoughts, not as dangerous, but honest. All of the things that I think about her, it’s not a dramatized version of her. Everything I think is completely possible, how? Because I’ve seen it. I’ve seen her reaction to me and people around me. 

Not to mention those eyes I get lost in constantly, the ones that are staring back at me right now. When she looks at me it feels like I am looking into a treasure trove. She is so full of knowledge, tenacity, and love. I could never understand how Chris could have her, and yet he looks to someone lower than her. 

Her eyes look different now, inquisitive, making my eyebrows dip momentarily. 

"Is it true?" She asked as I held her. 

" Is what true?"I asked as I saw Felix and Han pull back the curtain, both a bit more put together. They were both walking to the only two chairs in the room, Felix to the one below the window and Han to the one right next to the bed, on Y/N’s side. 

"The DNA? I have my baby's DNA," her voice cracked.

"Yes, it's true," I said as I kissed the crown of her head, "you will always have a piece of your baby with you."

She thought for a few minutes then she started to talk, very calm and very composed. 

"I…I'm scared, Binnie." I saw her playing with my shirt. It’s one of those nervous habits she has. Whenever she is nervous, she’ll start playing with the nearest object. I’ve seen her fiddle with glasses, table cloths, and kitchenware. Her favorite is any clothes with texture. When I asked her why she told me that the patterns the stitching makes is just enough texture to help calm her.  That is also why she prefers to wear anything with pockets in them, that way she can self soothe when her anxiety kicks up in public. 

All of our ears perked up at that one sentence. We are all very much aware that she just went through a nightmare situation. For her to say that something scares her is something that all of us don’t take lightly. I noticed her body tensed up after that. Almost like her internal voice escaped without her permission. She also looked like she didn’t know where to look. Her eyes darted ever so slightly as she spoke. I tried to keep my tone as gentle as possible. I know her nerves are on edge, and honestly, I would’ve been surprised if that wasn't the case.

"Why are you scared? Of what?" I asked. I put my hand over hers to stop her movements, “you can tell me.” 

"I can't lose you boys." She started tearing up as her voice started wavering, "I already lost my baby and my husband, I can't lose you guys too." At that point she buried her face in my chest as she shook, tears flowing down. 

I thought that I had reached the limit of pieces my heart can break into and yet that one confession turned whatever was left into sand. "What?" I asked, "You think you're going to lose us? What gave you that idea?"

"Your leader is the same man that's been cheating on me. He's also your best friend.” She held me like I’d disappear, like I’d not only leave her side, but go willingly. 

"Nonono, he was our best friend." Hannie said as he abandoned his chair, climbing into the bed with Y/N and me, sandwiching her in between us, as gently as possible. He rubbed her back, trying to soothe her. 

Felix went to the foot of the bed and he said, "Chris didn't just hurt you. He hurt us by hurting you. We love you so much. For him to disrespect you like that…” Felix is usually a positive person, but his face looked like a cross between hurt, sad, and angry. “ For him to disrespect, humiliate, and degrade you like that? No friend of mine does that. You aren't a friend to me either, you feel like a sister. He hurt my sister, Y/N." His voice started to crack as he said, "he hurt my bubbly, funny, goofy, older sister who would also kill anyone that dared touch me… dare touch any of us. As far as I and everyone else on this team is concerned, he's a co-worker. Nothing more, nothing less." His brows were set at that last sentence, showing her we aren’t going anywhere. 

She looked at us and said "I don't want to be the reason why things explode in your group. I don't want to cause trouble," She hid in my chest again, looking so small. I didn’t know how to comfort her in this. My heart just kept breaking and melting at the same time. Even though all of this just happened to her literally hours ago, she was still worried about us? 

Han spoke up, "You didn't cause anything. You are doing what you have to do. The only person to blame for all of this is Chris, not you." He rubbed her arm as he spoke. 

"Look up, you see Binnie?" He asked.

When she looked up she saw me. She nodded as she clutched onto me when I gave her a little smile.

"Look at your feet... You see Lixie?" He said, and sure enough, when she did Lix was right there. Rubbing her legs gently. She nodded.

"You feel me behind you?" Han completed. And she nodded.  

"We are with you, right where we want to be. Hell, Felix ran just to catch Bin before he left, right?". I nodded.“Rain or shine, we are here for you always. Whatever you want to do. Wherever you want to go. We are here."

She started sobbing, clutching onto me as Han said, "We were never going to go anywhere… not without you, okay?"

I cut in with, "And if you don't know where to go or what to do, that's okay too… we'll figure it out together." I looked down at her and I started drying her tears as they fell. 

"But what about?" She went to ask.. we all knew what she was talking about. Lix was already ahead of her on that. He dialed a number on his phone and put it on speaker. 

A few rings later & someone picked up,

"Finally I was waiting for your call!" I heard Minho on the line. 

Felix said, "Hey Hyung".

"How is she? We're all worried sick over here." Minho's voice was crystal clear.

Felix said, "Why don't you ask her yourself?"

I could tell she heard the joy in his voice, "Y/N/N?! Can you hear me, Beautiful?"

Felix laid the phone close to her.

"Y-yeah" 

"How're you feeling, gorgeous?"

"Contractions stopped." I saw her wince a little at the mention. The doctors did say that it’ll be a few days until she feels marginally better. 

"That's good, Lix was telling me you were in a lot of pain because of them… wish I was there with you." His voice fell a little at those words. 

"I'm scared," she said blatantly to Minho. I could see just the thought weighing down on her mind. She seemed like she was trying to prepare for a whole other loss. 

"Why, what is it?" He asked, his voice taking a softer approach to her now.

She couldn't say it so Han did, " She's afraid she's going to lose us, Hyung."

I added "She said she's already lost her baby and her husband. She can't take losing us too." I petted her hair back as she started to shake. I hated this, seeing her question everything since mostly everything was ripped out of her hands in the span of hours. Now she is trying to heal but she’s scared to rely on anyone, being vulnerable, all because the two people she trusted with everything were the same ones who stabbed her in the back. The anxiety rolling off of her was dizzying. I did my best to stay calm for her, I’m never leaving her. We aren’t leaving her, ever. 

I heard Minho open a car door. "Y/N/N?" He asked as the door slammed. 

"Y-yes?" She replied. 

"I'm outside the hospital waiting with all the boys until visiting hours start." As soon as Minho said that there was a resounding "Hi Y/N/N!!" Through the phone. 

"You will never lose us … Do you hear me?" Minho's voice sounded resolute and final.

“You promise?” She asked weeping, “Because I can’t lose you MinMin… I can’t lose my boys, m’not strong enough.” She pressed herself into me, trying to convince herself that we aren’t going anywhere. Han was rubbing her back while she cried, trying to keep his composure. Lix gave me a tissue for her and I started drying her tears. 

I could hear Minho’s voice breaking, "Y/N/N-ie I promise. I want to hold you so bad right now. Just another half an hour. Okay? Then you can see us and we can see you and hug you and hold you… we missed you and we are so worried."  

Then Hyunjin's voice rang out, thicker, like he himself started crying, "You deserve so much more than Chris could ever be. You hear me? You deserve to be pampered and cared for. Not taken for granted and lied to. We love you and we'll see you soon, okay?" 

I.N piped up with "I can't wait to take you to lunch or dinner if you get out today! Where do you want to go?!" 

That whimsical question seemed to make her relax a little as she said, "How about that Ramyeon place we always go to?" She asked, 

"Ohh that's a great idea! I'm dying for some Nongshim Shin Ramyun." He sounded so happy. 

That half an hour never went by quicker. They stood on the phone as they waited, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. As soon as the clock hit 8:30 am all I could hear was wind… 

"We are running to you right now!" Minho said. 

I could hear the occasional shove and giggle. A few minutes later there was a stampede of sneakers on the floor and as they walked in Minho said "In 3..2..1.." then he pulled the curtain back and hung up. 

**********************************************************************

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[justchillandshipit]

A Few things to consider...

If we apply Tim's thinking about Buck's situation to Eddie, then Tim could put Eddie in a couple of relationships before his endgame with Buck. I just can't be normal about that. I'm probably the only one who is crazy like this. For Buck, I kind of understand it, and I'm not referring just to Tommy. Buck was with so many women. He really does know that side of himself very well. Buck is curious too, so I could see him dating a few men and maybe another woman without it lasting as long as his time with Tommy. I can see this type of exploration as brief but defining. It will help him narrow down and see what his 'type' might be in regard to men. (We know his type, and his learning will be part of his realization.) I just don't feel that same vibe for Eddie. He is the nester. Maybe he should have a few boyfriends first, but I'm just not reasonable about this so I'm going to let it go for now. I'll puke on that bridge when we get to it.

Side note semi-unrelated: I love a slow burn, but I don't want to wait another three seasons for Buddie either. Please stop the torture.

Things I loved about this episode. Buck. Always. Eddie. Always. lol Seriously, the whole Risky Business moment was golden. Shaving the stache was excellent. His admission that he wanted the full beard but it wasn't allowed and the Priest calling him out as wearing a mask--all of that is just superb. I loved the Buddie of it all. I loved the way Buck seemed to take in Eddie's appearance and then keep his eyes upward as he handed him the beer and walked past him. I loved the way, Eddie didn't hesitate to open the door half-dressed and just accepted that they were drinking tonight without any explanation as to why. Non-Buddie related: I love that Maddie is already pregnant. We don't have to go through a long process of whether they will get a child and be able to keep it the way we did with Henren. Fingers crossed for no miscarriages.

I'm glad Eddie did what the priest suggested as far as doing something fun, but I'm having a little disconnect with how he went from punishing himself to dancing around with no real progression into what brought him to this point. I need to watch it again. I may pick out more on a rewatch. We had parallels in this episode in a big way, but the well seems like a missed opportunity for Eddie to reflect on what happened when he was trapped in one and the decisions he made when he got out of it. We don't generally get two full-character episodes for the same character, do we? We saw Eddie moving forward, but I'm missing the strong motivator that will inspire him to 'Think."

I also need to think about what happened in the restaurant with the girl hitting on Buck. (was this the restaurant Tommy left him standing at before?) What a horrible choice for an anniversary date if it was. lol

Another question: Wasn't there supposed to be a flashback for Eddie in this episode? I know the Bobby/Buck scene got cut. I sort of hate that. I was looking forward to a Father/son moment for them. I do understand that they are limited with time though, so there we go.

Speculation: Eddie is now trying to embrace fun. Buck and Eddie will end up going to bars together at some point, even if Eddie is not looking for a date. We could see Buck in action picking up guys. We could see guys hitting on Eddie. We could see Buck having a reaction to that. We may also see, Buck going to that Laker's game with Eddie after all.

I see I've missed over 100 new posts. I'm betting someone has answered some of my questions already. lol

[lovelovelovelovelove987654321]

One Year

A/N: Hey guys!!! Sorry its been ages and ages and ages since my last fic. Genuinely so sorry. Idk how I feel about this one and the next one I'm posting, so let me know what you think. I live off of comments, reblogs and likes btw!!! Also this is NOT BETAD. SORRY!!

TW: mention of sex, mention of pregnancy, mention of miscarriage

Simon stands next to you, hands shoved deep in his pockets. For a long while, neither of you says anything. After a few minutes, days, months, years, he breaks the silence with a mumbled "Remember when we got our first house?"

When you dont respond, he continues.

"You were so happy. I was so happy. We were young and in love and everything was good." He says 'we were in love' as if he ever fell out of love with you.

A deeply sad and bitter chuckle sounds from him.

"It was just a shitty flat. Not even safe to live in, probably. But it was ours." It was really yours, if he was being honest. Everything in his life was yours. But once he'd puttered about the place, tightening screws and greasing hinges, it felt like it could be a little bit his. Just a little.

He pauses, swallows, squeezes his eyes shut.

"I fucked you in every room of that house." His voice is hoarse, pained.

"We called it fucking because we wanted to be, I dunno, mature. Cool. But it was making love. Everything we did together was making love." His voice gets quieter and quieter before finally cracking.

"You got pregnant. It was the singular best moment of my life when you told me." He makes a choked sound, "A kid would have been lucky to have you as a mom. We would have been lucky to have a id. But luck was never on our side for long, was it?"

He shakes his head sharply, moves on.

"Remember when we bought our house? When we got married? When we went to the ocean for our honeymoon? I do. I remember every blissfully happy moment." He chuckles again, but this time its actually a slightly happy sound.

"Every time I looked at you I was struck dumb by how beautiful you were. How lucky I was to have you."

He snorts. "I say 'was' as if you ever got less beautiful."

"You always used to asked me if I was okay, if I was having flashbacks. But most of the time I was just stunned by how perfect you were."

He takes a deep breath, opens his eyes.

"Remember all our anniversaries? The flowers and the smiles and the photo albums and the extra kisses?"

He waits for a second, as if he expects you to say something. When you dont, he continues.

"I loved our anniversaries, but really they were just like any other day. We always loved each other. We would always go do things together."

His voice drops again like he's admitting something shameful.

"I dont know what to do with my days anymore."

He confesses. "I'm re-enlisting, I think. If they'll take me. Maybe as a training officer. Although I always did hate the rookies..."

He pauses, almost smiles.

"I remember whenever I came home complaining about them, you'd just give me a kiss on the forehead and say they 'just wanted to be me'." "I always told you that that was stupid, because why would anyone want to be me? I'm nothing."

"And you would always say 'you're mine' and then I had to agree: all the rookies probably did want to be me. Anyone would." The silence creeps back in, thick and suffocating. "I have too many things at home now."

He whispers. "Too many florals. I dont know what to do with 'em."

His voice is barely audible. "I miss you. I love you." He gently caresses your headstone and lets a few tears fall. Its been a year since you died, but he still visits you daily. After all, the both of you had promised to talk every day, even if you were mad at each other. Who was he to break that?

[taysdorothea13]

When Taylor plays safe and sound at eras does she say anything about wren?

no! taylor has a very bold line of what she’s willing to share about her journey with motherhood as a whole, and more specifically her journey with wren. safe and sound is a song that represents the hardest and best times of her life. she played safe and sound on november 25th in são paulo, exactly nine days prior to the four year anniversary of taking in the placement that led to being a mother. i don’t even want to talk about how 9 + 4 = 13… it’s not even like i planned this out, literally im convinced tayvoodoo just works like this. but taylor definitely played it for wren. there wasn’t anything about that preformance that was for the fans, her eyes were on the vip tent the entire time.

as for what taylor will and won’t share, it’s changed over time. for the first few years, she only posted about wren when it felt necessary. she posted the birthday post because she knew if she didn’t and she happened to be spotted out and about with a kid, it would’ve been a much bigger headline than it would’ve been if she spoke about it first. after that post, wren didn’t come up again until the long pond studio sessions when she and jack allude to her being ‘munchkin’. (instead of william bowery, wren’s pseudonym is munchkin because why wouldn’t it be), and all that really gets disclosed is ‘my daughters really into watching me write, and she suggested this line so it made its way in’. there was nothing personal, nothing even remotely telling about wren. she obviously can’t control the paparazzi, and there are pictures online that show more of wren than she’d prefer (nothing with her full face. tree gets those flagged INSTANTLY) but from her account, there’s absolutely nothing. post eras, when her kids face is plastered on every social media platform, she shares more, like the post about announcing speak now includes a picture of wren in her punzel dress, but her face is covered by an emoji. any throwback pictures, taylor covers wrens face, or chooses pictures where it’s not entirely visible. but she does include pictures of wrenny in her highlight recaps of the cities if it’s something that she just can’t leave out. like in one of the city recaps, the last slide is a picture of her getting ready for stage and she’s holding wren while getting her microphone, or in the posts leading up to the eras tour, she shares a picture of her and wren standing with their backs to the camera and she’s very obviously explaining how the visuals will look. it’s a totally new realm their stepping into with the eras tour. taylor has to loosen the reins a little bit, and she does, but the world doesn’t know about her miscarriage, they don’t know about wrens abusive past, they don’t know anything about wren besides the fact that in one picture she was wearing a rapunzel dress and in another picture that wasn’t even directly posted, it was just in the background of a post, wren is wearing a pink tutu, rain boots, and taylor’s crewneck.

also! i know it’s circulating that in the bts clips taylor shared her lockscreen is joe, but in come morning light universe it’s a picture of wren PASSED out in her arms. it was taken during their first month together, and baby girl looks so tiny in her footie pajamas desperately holding onto bluey the devil stuffed animal. fans go crazy because it’s the only time they’ve ever seen a picture of taylor being so maternal. taylor is very careful with what she shares, and if it’s in any way intimate or private, she keeps it for herself. just like the fortnight videos! wrenny’s in them, she’s in travis’s arms when he kisses taylor’s cheek, but even then it’s not as personal as a sleepy five-year-old wren in princess footie pajamas desperately clinging to taylor, and god taylor herself looks so soft. its obvious she didn’t know the picture was being taken. her eyes are closed, her hands on wrenny’s back, she’s resting her cheek on her head and there’s the softest smile on her lips.

oh also! nobody knows taylor and joe broke up onto the canon eras timeline. so it is such a fucking shock to everyone when the bts clips drop and taylor’s lockscreen isn’t joe, and now fans are currently speculating when they broke up because there are so many signs now that it was AGES ago. nobody questioned why they were never spotted together after 2020, everyone assumed he was just keeping it private, but now fans are like “oh so folklore really was a breakup album” (you cannot convince me folkmore weren’t breakup albums but that’s not the conversations we’re having)

ANYWAYS I HOPE I ANSWERED UR QUESTIONS IM RAMBLING

[dailypositivequotes]

personal and long life update

I feel comfortable to say this now. This is going to start sad but get better.

TW: miscarriage

Two years ago was the worst summer of my life. I was excited and happy as school ended because my spouse and I found out we were expecting a child right before the end of the year. We initially didn't tell anyone, was going to wait. But then I started to have issues and I talked to my mom about it and my fears that something was wrong. My mom ended up letting me know she was having health issues and they found a mass. And on the same day my mom was diagnosed with cancer I miscarried. I will never forget crying and telling her on the phone and her sighing sadly and saying she had hoped one of us would have good news. I was traumatized. I felt betrayed by my body. I felt betrayed by the universe. I felt like a failure. I felt like it was my fault while knowing it wasn't. I lost a lot of faith in things. I was angry and grieving. I was terrified I was going to lose my mom like I lost my child. And then one of my siblings was in a major car accident (they're fine now but it was really scary and I thought I'd lose them too) and our beloved bearded dragon died. Loss was all around me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even say the word miscarriage for a whole year. Therapy was extensive on it among other traumas. And one thing that also sticks out from that summer is "Running Up that Hill" was popular cause Stranger things aired its new season. I broke down any time that song came down because of the line "I'd make a deal with God and I'd get him to swap our places" made me thing about my mom and my lost child. I told family members. We previously were having pressure from family members on children and the LAST thing I needed was someone asking me for the millionth time when I was going to have kids. Fortunately family was understanding and backed off on the topic. My one sister was pregnant at the time too and we bonded over the fact this was her rainbow child, something she had not shared with any family member and I was able to go to her for support that other family couldn't provide as they never experienced this. Another thing from that summer is disassociating because I love my sister, I was excited for her and her baby, but the topic was very raw for me. I know I attended her baby shower but all of it was blur. And the final thing from that summer / year was I was also obsessed with trying again and "getting it right this time" because I didn't want to face reality or the grief I was having, and honestly...every failed month was also extremely triggering (for reasons I hope are obvious enough for me not to say) so I'd spiral again. It's taken a lot for me to be where I am now.

Since that summer, we got a second dog. Trained our first dog so she is officially a therapy dog. We both were in therapy - individual and couples. We strengthened our marriage. My mom beat chemo and radiation. Currently, she does not have cancer. Discovered I have a medical anomaly, and learned it doesn't stop me from successfully having kids but I could have a trickier time getting there as there were other complications it brought into my life. (Which honestly discovering this, and that it was something I was born with, answered SO MANY questions). We worked out together and made healthy meals together. We stopped obsessively TTC and just focused on us, loving our life as is, and healing. We discussed in January of this year about seeing a specialist and possibly starting fertility treatments in the summer if we felt we were in a good enough place for that. It was a very good, chill and no pressure conservation. In Feb. was the anniversary of would have been due date and therapy, coping skills from therapy, and planned activities helped a lot of with my mental health that day. And then in March, after my dogs were acting weird about me and I was feeling off as well, I discovered I am pregnant. Sure some anxiety immediately spiked but I am doing okay. I think if this would have happened sooner I'd have not been okay mentally due to the anxiety of the past repeating, but I've worked on a lot of trauma from that awful summer and I decided I would celebrate every second of this and if its a shorter journey than I hoped, so be it. I did have an emergency session in therapy during the week of pregnancy that was the one I miscarried at previously since I couldn't quite shake the nerves then. However, this time and last are night and day. All tests and appointments have come back healthy. Symptoms are what they should be. Everything is looking good and I am thankful. I am filled with gratitude. I have a good feeling. My family and my spouse's family are excited, who we told in April as I learned I'd rather lean on people for support if I needed it than grieve or celebrate in silence. My students and co-workers just before the end of the year realized I was pregnant and both set of people were very excited for me. My students created a lot of cards for me. We are excited. I am halfway through the pregnancy. I have seen him (through ultrasounds). I've heard his heartbeat, and am so thankful that it is so strong. And I've felt him kick just now. I am at peace.

[drsteggy]

💝what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

🤍what's one fic of yours you think people didn't "get"?

You sent this twice, anon, so I’m gonna answer the first question now, as I’ve been thinking on it, and the second later.

And hey TW: mentions of pregnancy loss.

I don’t know that I ever have an expectation when I publish a fic. I don’t write the tent pole stuff people really like. Like half of what I do is genfic and most of it is so far down my own personal rabbit hole I’m happy anyone responds at all. I’m not writing chapters of ZeLink batting their eyes at each other. I also think I tend to muse about stuff the average fanfic reader isn’t interested in, and that’s fine, it’s not meant as a put down. There are days I just want my pairing/specific trope too, and frankly, that’s most of them.

So when I’m not being an insane/insecure person about my writing (which I keep wanting to say I’m beyond, but it never quite seems to be true) I do think I can keep a good boundary around what I secretly hope a fic will do.

Last year, at about this time,I was, for some reason, mulling over the bit of my own version of Zelda’s backstory that includes a miscarriage. It is sort of obliquely mentioned once or twice if you have read absolutely everything in the Faroreverse but the bullshit Zelda deals with in her 30s has never been something I’ve published about. I’ve written a lot but none of its cohesive enough to even call a draft. I must have had friends who were on social media mourning children they did not have, all full of deep sadness and what if and potential that never got to be and maybe this kicked me over.

I’ve never been pregnant. I never will be. But I shepherd people through very sad and tragic things almost every day I’m at work. I had one of these sad things coming up on an anniversary and although Maple was not my dog, and I only met her people that one day, it was such a horrible a awful day, and that might have been on my mind too.

So I very carefully wrote The Risk of Love where an older Zelda shares the loss of her daughter who would have been sixteen the day Link pulled the sword if she’d survived with Link and let him deal with it. He has had a lot of time to learn to be an emotionally mature person by the time this fic happens in his story and I’m very pleased by how he has learned to lean and give support.

I really did not think anyone was going to read a short sad story about a lost pregnancy retold by a middle aged woman. The surprise was the people who did read it. I had people fandom blind read and and tell me how they hurt for Zelda. One woman on Reddit who read just a snip messaged me to tell me about her own loss.

I really, really love how this fic came out. It’s one of those things that wasn’t FOR something and I feel I do my best work there. The fact that it resonated the way it did was the pleasant surprise.

Original fic ask post here

[prolife-is-prolie]

Prolifers assaulted her when she went to get an abortion. Years later, they celebrated when she had a miscarriage. (Part 1)

TW: In this interview, A discusses being in an abusive relationship, being raped, getting assaulted outside of Planned Parenthood, her friends suicide, her miscarriage, and some hate comments left by trolls.

December 24, 2023

Central Florida was usually sunny and warm outside. But today was different. The clouds covered the sun and the sky was gray. The wind blew and the grass was damp from rain and dew. This wasn’t the weather I was hoping for on Christmas Eve, but the weather in Florida was unpredictable. I rang the doorbell and stared at the brown wooden door in front of me, complete with an old brass doorknob and floral engravings. From inside, I heard the barks of a small dog and a woman shushing him. The dog quieted and the door swung open.

I was greeted by my good friend, A. Her hair was dyed a vibrant red and flat ironed straight and she wore a small black velvet dress, complete with black platform boots that made her almost my height. Her eyelids were coated in dark eyeshadow and her lips were dark purple, almost black. Her lip rings shined as she smiled and embraced me in a hug. It has been almost a year since I last saw A and she was still as beautiful as she was when I last saw her. She and I worked at the same nightclub a few years ago and we remained close. 

A gave me a tour of her house and introduced me to her dog. He growled nervously from inside his crate before quieting down again. I was going to interview outside on her porch, but plans changed upon seeing the weather. So instead, we decided that the kitchen table would be our best bet. I watched in awe as A navigated the kitchen in her boots while making us cups of hot cocoa.

Me: How do you feel knowing that there are prolifers who have the same fashion sense as you?

A: Oh God, Don’t remind me. You’re probably referring to that Kristen Turner girl and her friends. They’re so gross. They wished they looked like me.

Me: Prochoice women are definitely better looking. Anyone who says otherwise is delusional. 

A: Absolutely! Have you seen that photo of Kristen and her buddies posing by bending over with their hands on their knees to show their boots off? They posted it on the anniversary of Roe overturning. I’m embarrassed for them.

A finished making the hot cocoa and handed me a mug. What she said was true: Prolife women wished they looked like her. Her dress reached her knees and hugged her curves. Her hair reached mid back when straightened and it glistened in the kitchen light. Her tan skin and her height in her platform boots made her resemble a goddess. When I first met her, I couldn’t help but be smitten with her. She was quiet at first, but talkative once she opened up to you. And as she sat across from me, I took in her beauty. But I wasn’t here to gawk, I was here to interview her.

Me: So, tell me about when you got your abortion back in 2021.

A: Well, I was in an abusive relationship with this guy I met after a night of drinking. I was definitely at rock bottom. My ex boyfriend who I was still in love with chose another girl over me. And then months later, I started talking to another guy and then he also chose another girl over me. So I sat on the sidewalk and began drinking, and that’s where my abuser first saw me. He raped me numerous times throughout our relationship. And then I became addicted to heroin and cocaine, and then not long into our relationship, I found out I was pregnant. I scheduled an appointment at Planned Parenthood and they gave me an ultrasound. They gave me counseling and asked if I was 100% sure I wanted an abortion, and I told them I was.

I was terrified about my boyfriend finding out I was pregnant because he was unpredictable. He dropped some subtle clues that he wanted to be a father, but then he would beat me and leave me cut and bruised. I was convinced that if he found out I was pregnant, he’d kill me. And also, I wasn’t even in a good place to be a mother. I was drinking and doing drugs almost daily. I didn’t live with my boyfriend, but he would pick me up almost daily. The environment I was in was not a good environment for pregnancy and eventually a baby. So I knew what needed to be done. 

The doctors determined that my best bet would be to get the procedure done in the clinic as opposed to taking the pill at home because of my PCOS and irregular periods. After my abortion, they were going to check my pelvic floor and uterus free of charge to see if I had any serious abnormalities, which thankfully I didn’t. The doctors sat me in a conference room with the door open and a laptop. They showed me a video of the type of procedure they were going to do on me. And, you’ve seen that abortion procedure in that movie called Unplanned, right? Well, the procedure in real life did not resemble that at all!

Me: Not at all?

A: Not at all! The woman in the video was about as far along as I was, and the fetus was just a blob! They went in there and suctioned it and that was that!

Me: Abby Johnson, who created Unplanned, loves to say that if someone were to see an abortion in person, then they would become prolife. She doesn’t understand that millions of women have seen abortions and they’re still prochoice!

A: Exactly! I am still as prochoice as ever! But anyway, after my first appointment, they made me wait two weeks just in case I had a change of heart. I know it’s not like that everywhere, but where I was at the time, it was like that. So after two weeks, and after numerous beatings and drug and alcohol binges, I walked to Planned Parenthood for my appointment. I lied and told them I had reliable transportation, but I didn’t have a car and I didn’t even have money for an Uber. Thankfully the clinic wasn’t too far from me.

So I reach the clinic and there are protesters outside. I’m thinking “fuuuuuck.” I keep my head down and try walking around the clinic and hope they don’t notice me. But they did. And they swarmed. They swarmed around me like cockroaches. I soon was surrounded by people and giant pictures of aborted, bloody fetuses. Some of these people were begging me not to get an abortion and some were yelling at me and calling me a murderer and demanding that I repent to God. They called me demonic and some were even telling me to keep my legs closed. And then I was hit in the head with a water bottle and the raw eggs and mustard started flying. 

Eggs and mustard dripped down my face and it was all in my hair and these people were pulling my hair and grabbing my arms and they were so determined to keep me from getting into the clinic. The security guard saw this shit going down and he was able to push through the crowd to get to me and he escorted me through the back entrance of the clinic and it then occurred to me how many sets of security doors I had to walk through. These protesters were so crazy that there were multiple security doors. These people screamed and protested and threw things, but they still did not manage to prevent me from getting my abortion. The doctors took my bag, which had another set of clothes and my wallet, and I got changed into a gown and pretty soon, my abortion was over. 

A nurse named Nurse Penny talked to me as I sat in the recovery room. She noticed that I was covered in cuts and bruises and just looked so unhealthy. I told her about my boyfriend and about how he treated me. And she made me promise her that I would get clean and I would leave my boyfriend. She even called me an Uber so I wouldn’t have to walk home because it started raining. And I found it kind of funny because when it started raining, the protesters left. If they really cared about life and “babies” as much as they say they do, then rain shouldn’t have been enough to send them home. If they really had these beliefs, they would have opened an umbrella or thrown on a poncho and toughed it out. 

But yeah, soon after my abortion, I left my boyfriend and got a restraining order. I locked myself in my room and quit the drugs cold turkey. If it wasn’t for Nurse Penny, I would still be with my boyfriend. I would still be on drugs. And hell, I would probably be dead by now if it weren’t for her. 

Me: That is such a heartbreaking and breathtaking story. I am so sorry that you endured that. I know you don’t like telling this story, but back in June, on the one year anniversary of Roe overturning, you told your story on TikTok. I posted your video to Instagram and almost instantly, the comments started filling with prolifers who deny the validity of your story. What do you have to say to them?

A: I want them to know that I see their comments and I think that all of them are full of shit. What would be my reason to lie about this? To make prolifers look bad? They don’t need me to do that. They already look bad on their own. But at the end of the day, I know that my story is true because I lived it. You know my story is true. All of my friends know that my story is true. That’s all that matters. These prolifers get mad when I tell my story because they don’t want to admit that they have a toxic mindset. They don’t want to admit that the policies they support do more harm than good. These people are jokes. If they don’t want to believe me, that’s fine. But at the end of the day, they are the ones who are wrong.

Me: Well said. They absolutely are the ones in the wrong. So how has your life been since your abortion.

A took a deep breath and took a sip of her cocoa. We both knew that this interview was going to be difficult. But she was still willing to do it. 

Me: If you need to take a break, you can do so.

A: Oh no no, it’s fine. I’m fine. But…life is hard, you know? This past year alone has been hard. My dog got hurt pretty bad in February. They didn’t know if he was going to make it. The vets even asked if I wanted to sign a DNR just in case his heart stopped. But as you saw when you got here, he pulled through and made a full recovery. And then in May, I had issues with yet another guy. Me and him had a brief fling and he told me he loved me, but then a year later, he ghosts me and gets a girlfriend. I guess I saw it coming from a mile away, but it still hurt. And this happened after I learned that a friend of mine killed himself.

Me: Oh, I’m so sorry.

A: It’s okay. He,(let's call him F)  was battling his demons for a while and he unfortunately lost. We had some issues and I said and did some stuff I regret, but he told me he forgave me. And then he drifted off and I found out he killed himself a day or two after my birthday. 

Me: I’m sure F really did forgive you.

A: I know he did. Despite what his friends tell me, I know he forgave me.

Me: Don’t let them convince you otherwise.

A: For a while after his death, I did. This is going to sound so dorky, but F was a Twitch streamer and he had a Discord that I was a part of. I ended up leaving after a while because he wasn’t talking to me as much. Last Christmas Eve, Christmas Eve 2022, F’s friend (S) started talking to me on Discord and he ended up adding F’s ex-girlfriend to the chat. F’s ex claimed that he was abusive and even offered screenshots as proof. S and I were devastated because F always seemed so sweet and chill. I couldn’t confront F about it because his ex begged us not to, and F didn’t really talk to me anymore anyway. As someone who has also been in an abusive relationship, I didn’t want to scare her off or reopen any old wounds. So I began to hate F for what he did to her. 

S told me this past May that F killed himself, and I didn’t feel anything because I still hated him. It was then that S and I discovered that F’s ex girlfriend deleted her Discord and nobody knew where she was. We talked to F’s brother and we found out that the screenshots she sent were most likely doctored. That’s the real reason she didn’t want anyone talking to F about being abusive: the screenshots were fake. F was never abusive. It was all just one big hoax and now he was dead. He died with me hating him, and that’s what kills me so much. He will never be with his family again. He will never stream again. He has followers who don’t know what happened to him and they never will. His Twitch account is still up and I can’t bring myself to watch his videos.

I’m still grieving. I can’t get over how lonely he must’ve felt when he did this. He didn’t know how loved he was and now it’s too late to show him. 

Me: It’s not too late. He knows how much he was loved. 

A: Are you sure?

Me: Positive.

A decided to take a break. She stood quietly at the sliding glass door and stared out into her backyard. In the distance, thunder rumbled lowly. The houses on the other side of the canal in the backyard glowed as the Christmas lights began to come on as well as the lights from inside. It was only 5 PM but it felt later. I wanted to comfort her, but I knew she just needed to be left alone for a minute. She didn’t want to be touched. In the meantime, I read over my notes and stood so I could stretch. I excused myself so I could use the restroom quickly. When I came back, A was once again seated at the table.

A: I’m ready now. Sorry about that.

Me: You always apologize when you let your feelings out. You don’t need to. You’ve been through a lot this past year. You’ve been through a lot in your life in general.

A nodded before telling me that she was ready to discuss the main purpose of this interview.

Me: So, around the middle of last month, you discovered you were pregnant. How did that make you feel?

A: I was terrified. I was disgusted. I was angry at myself for letting this happen again, especially now when abortion rights are on the line. But to be honest, I’ve been thinking about having a baby for a while. But I would always psyche myself out by focusing on only the negative aspects of pregnancy and motherhood. And I would always convince myself that I would be a horrible mother. Because I’m not the best at interacting with my young niece and nephew or children in general. Also, as you know, I’m not in a relationship. I got pregnant from having a fling at a concert I went to. I felt so stupid and so dirty when I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test. So I ordered abortion pills from someone out of state. And I drank, a lot. And I got my vaccinations updated for the Flu and Covid, and I even got the other side of my lip pierced. And I did all this while knowing I was pregnant. 

But then…this is going to sound so stupid, but I was watching the news one night and I saw that one of the news anchors just had a baby. And she was absolutely adorable. She was all swaddled and had a pacifier in her mouth, and I knew she was going home and she was going to be cuddled and so loved. I realized I wanted that. I wanted a little miniature me so I could love them and raise them and watch them grow. I was willing to endure the bloating, the swelling feet, the bleeding gums, the bizarre cravings, the acne, the mouth ulcers, and the mood swings. So it was then I decided to keep it. I wasn’t ready to tell my family but I told my friends, because I knew they wouldn’t judge me the way my family would. And for the most part, my friends were supportive.

Me: For the most part?

A: Yeah. One of my friends…I could tell that he was questioning my decision. He began to bombard me with questions. And I could tell that he thought I was making a mistake, and I could tell he was annoyed with me. Because for the longest time, we discussed how neither of us wants kids. And yet there I was, pregnant and wanting to keep it. I guess he felt betrayed in a way. He never said he felt that way but I could tell.

And another guy who I talked to on Snapchat was also pretty upset. He started asking me how much I made in a year and if I had my own car and my own place. And then he came right out and said that I shouldn’t have a baby because according to him, I wasn’t making enough money and I was going to struggle. Keep in mind that I have never met this guy in person before. We were only friends on Snapchat. That was it. But he still felt that it was his place to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do. And then he tried to turn around and tell me he was saying these things because he didn’t want to see me struggle being a single mother and potentially being homeless. Once again, I have never met this guy in person before. We do not know each other. He had no reason to care this much. But yeah, I basically told him to go choke and he responded with, “When I get proven right, I won’t be happy about it.” Along with a frowning emoji.

Me: Wow! What an asshat!

A: Yeah, he was. But I pushed his opinion aside and I wrote you those DMs to post basically announcing my pregnancy and telling these antichoicers not to congratulate me. Because everytime a woman tells her story about how she was going to get an abortion before changing her mind, antichoicers flock to the comments to congratulate her. They think that this means she is now prolife and they consider it a victory, another badge for them to add to their sash. 

Me: They have no shame. Those were some badass DMs that you sent. 

A: Thank you!

Me: Now…I’m trying to find a nice way to transition into this, because I know it’s hard for you.

A: It’s okay. Let’s just rip the bandaid off.

Me: How did you know you were miscarrying?

A: Well, I spent the day with family. We were supposed to go to St. Augustine to see the Christmas Lights. But I was annoyed because despite St. Augustine being only a couple hours away, family kept making pitstop after pitstop after pitstop. We left at around 11 and got there at 4:30. We were in the car longer than we were actually at St. Augustine. So between my family constantly lollygagging and my grandmother body shaming me, I was in a pretty rotten mood. And then while I was sitting in the car, I felt myself starting to cramp. And my heart dropped because the cramps weren’t letting up. I kept quiet because my family still didn’t know I was pregnant. But I was just hoping and hoping that I wasn’t losing it. I got home at around 10 pm and I instantly went to the bathroom and saw that my panties were covered in blood. 

I knew right then and there that I was miscarrying, because I miscarried before. I told my friend, who is a mother, and she told me not to worry because pregnant people bleed sometimes. I called my doctor the next morning and she was able to squeeze me in. I was actually supposed to be going to her that Monday to find out the sex. When I arrived, she did the ultrasound and she confirmed that my uterus was empty. Sometime during the night. I expelled the fetus and flushed it without even knowing. I was no longer pregnant. I lost it.

Me: I am so sorry.

A: It is what it is. I deactivated my Instagram for a couple weeks because my algorithm kept showing me pregnancy and expectant mother videos. And when I came back, I wrote a letter to what was supposed to be my baby, and I moved on. I didn’t think that when you posted my letter, so many trolls would start flooding to the comments. 

Link for part 2

[colleenmurphy]

‘He hasn’t heard a word I’ve said all night…’

The dark haired woman thought to herself as she primly picked at her dessert, a vanilla raspberry mousse of some sort at one of New York’s swankiest upscale new restaurants. This meal had already cost her, the fact that he was using her own earned funds to cover their anniversary meal irked her. She noticed she’d also paid for a trip to Le Perla and Cartier but she knew that she would never see either of those gifts. They were most certainly going to that petite blonde that was supposedly Dave’s personal trainer, Kelly. One could say that there were many things about her husband that irked her these days, especially on the day of their eleventh year together.

‘Kelly with a fucking I.’

Colleen seethed as she set down her dessert spoon and fought the urge to throw her Chablis directly into his smug good looking face. She loved and hated him in the very same heartbeat and she hated herself even more for still loving him. 

“You’re still wearing that ruby…”

He remarked as he signed the bill and left a generous cash tip, no doubt pulled from the account before he had headed home from the office in Century City. Colleen Sullivan was the result of ten years spent swept up in the glitz and glamour of the City of Angels thanks to an up and coming ( back then ) blue eyed sandy haired drummer with a devilish smile and a voice that made her feel calm. That would last for the first seven years and then it would vanish in a cloud of smoke after her third miscarriage that had cost her an east coast tour. He hadn’t even bothered to come visit her in the hospital and she ended up having to ask her body guard to sign her out of the hospital because Dave had forgotten; he'd been much too busy trying to negotiate another tour for her to make up for the last loss.

Hugh Standish had been a great man and taken it all in stride his deep rolling Yorkshire voice making her smile for the first time in days. He’d even held her hand when she’d been in pain, something Sully never had done for her.  He had gifted her a rambunctiously adorable little blue puppy that he'd told her came from a buddy that worked for a German hard rock band. Colleen took quickly to the little pup that seemingly grew every time she looked at him and named him Goose, as his young bark sounded like a honk. Dave hated the poor thing the moment he set eyes on him and then had Hugh relocated to the Pasadena property to oversee day to day security. Colleen spent most of her time there these days with Goose, something she noticed made David Richard Sullivan very bitter and distant. It was easier to do what she had to do this was. Let him hate her, she already hated herself enough for the both of them. Without Dave she never would have met Hugh and that hurt. So she hated him and thanked him and once again thought about the conversation with Hugh while she was hospitalized. Their first in depth talk before they were together.

“I’m thinking you’re just his caged songbird, Miss Delaney. Even got you marked with a pretty bauble.”

“I suppose you’re right, Mr. Standish…and call me Mary.”

“Mary? Only if you call me Hugh."

“ Colleen is my middle name. Stage name. But, yes, deal.”

“Was your first gift to me. Our third Christmas together..we were still living in San Fernando.”

She didn’t bother to finish the sentence. 

‘Back when you actually loved me and not the money my talent can bring in.’

“I’ve laid down all the vocals for Visions left the arrangements for the strings and guitar sections…but…I still need you to lay down some drums on track eight.”

Offering him a small cold smile that didn’t reach her blue eyes as she flicked her long dark hair over her shoulder. Her black turtleneck kept the October chill away from her throat as the bell sleeves added extra warmth and something for her to grip to keep from punching him. She’d changed out the thin silver chain for a longer more substantial Spanish silver braid to keep the natural solid silver backed ruby into place.  She’d also somehow taken to lighting a menthol cigarette. Poised between two long slender fingers tipped with brick red tapered almond nails Colleen gently puffed and stared him directly in the eye. 

“I’m going to the mountains for a bit. I need some time alone to recharge and work on some new material. Spend some time with Goose..”

Studying her for a moment It was like reason had hit him squarely between the eyes. Reaching for the hand that was still on the table top he noted that she still wore her wedding set. That surprised him, truthfully as he’d lost his own band years ago. He felt a pang at the mention of Colleen’s prized and pampered canine companion. An imported German blue Weimaraner named Goose. That damn dog was a telepathic moose of a hound and part of Dave loathed the dog as it had won over Colleen’s entire heart and now their was no room for him. Just the damn dog and all those babies she’d lost. Grief and canine love. Both made his head swim and blood boil. 

‘Maybe she doesn’t ever take it off.’

“You’d rather spend time with that mutt than your own husband?”

Her hand was ice cold and baby smooth under his own heavily calloused  nicotine stained musician’s hand. Colleen slowly pulled her hand away from his and fiddled with her rings for a moment. She was taking them off. The while gold Loveland style 1 carat set was sitting directly in front of him winking at him ominously in the low candlelight. 

“You can’t be serious, Colleen.”

“I am. I need time to myself. Please."

She gathered her black peacoat and her leather shoulder bag and left for the hired car to take her back to their beachside modern construction that wasn’t even a year old yet. Long gone was that dinky little apartment with the shared back yard in the Valley. 

He watched her leave her long dark hair caught in the sea breeze as a storm rolled in. He ordered another whiskey sour and then a triple before he asked the hostess, a rather pretty little redhead named Tiffany if she’d like to call him a cab so he could head home. He told the driver to take a detour to head over to Kelli’s but as soon as they pulled up he noticed that her little white cabriolet was gone for a weekend with her girlfriends in Lake Tahoe. There went the itch and the pretty little distractions from his life that was in shambles around his feet.

“Headed home, Casanova?”

The cab driver named Jackie drawled in a New York accent. 

“Yeah…yeah..”

“Ain’t you that guy…in that band?”

The cabby enquired after nearly thirty minutes of driving. 

“Yeah…Mystic Highway…”

A grin spread across the transplants face as he no doubt picturing Colleen’s spread from 1974’s issue of La Femme. A tasteful topless pose with her made to look like Eve in the garden of Eden. They’d just married and he thought she’d been the most beautiful woman on earth. There on the cover featured heavily was the infamous ruby necklace. His gift to her that was to become part of her signature look. Who’d have thought that stupid last minute gift for her, the natural carnelian red hued  heart shaped rock encased in sterling silver would become a huge symbol? Not him. Often imitated by fans with glass beads and wire or from wishlists sent to their parents. Sully had just cashed in on the idea and ensured that Colleen had signed a  vastly lucrative deal with Friedman’s Jewelers - a staple chain jewelry store in damn near every American and Canadian mall. 

‘She’s still wearing the ruby…she’s still wearing the ruby…”

It almost had become the calming mantra in his head as he watched the street signs grow more and more spaced out and gaps in the neighborhood reached blocks.

“Colleen Murphy.”

“Yeah….She’s a stone cold fox.”

A wry smile crept up Sully’s lips. 

“She’d be honored to know that.” 

‘It’s been years since I’ve said that to her…’

“Press the buzzer on the gates. Go on up to the front of the house..please.”

Dave wasn’t quite ready to face the long walk home through Colleen’s personal garden of eden that was the front walk up to the house. Nearly two miles of growth complete with hidden oasis pools and koi pond and walled hidden garden made Dave nervous. Tonight it felt more and more like The Shining, which ironically was one of her favorite scary movies. 

“Had the same feeling with my girl left me. She was…my everything but I wasn’t good to her.”

Thrusting a handful of bills toward the driver the car barely came to a stop before Dave was out and the door slammed before he walked up the vast sweeping terracotta tiled steps. 

No barks from inside from Goose. A flickering 1 on the answering machine’s blindingly red digital display. The house was silent as a tomb a single light left on in the master bedroom upstairs. Down the airy hallway painted in shades of cool lilac and hyacinth the pastel barely dawn pink walls were illuminated by soft yellow light from the overhead track lighting. 

“She’s still wearing the ruby….”

Her entire closet was empty. Her vanity was empty and Goose’s blanket and favorite stuffed pig toy were also missing. A heart shaped hole in the plaster caught his eye along with the stack of receipts. He studied them noticing that they were all for gifts he’d bought Kelli from the slush account he’d had an accountant set up without Colleen’s knowledge or so he’d thought. At the foot of the hole in the wall was their framed wedding photo from 1969. She looked like a fairy queen in her snow white dress with a Celtic knot design. Her large eyes smiling innocently into his own smiling face as she slipped the long lost wedding bang  onto his finger. A single note lay on the bed with instructions to play the message on the answering machine. Pressing play on the line in the bedroom Dave caught a glint of silver on the bedside table on what was once her preferred side of the bed. 

“Mr. Sullivan this is Jeremy Groves, Miss Delaney’s legal council provided on her behalf from Reflex Records…There’s been a petition for divorce filed today as of 3:45PM. Please stop by my office on Laguna and Hollis next Tuesday to sign a few forms. Oh…and we’ll need you to vacate the Hacienda Boulevard property referred to as Shang Gri La as it’s Miss Delaney’s family property. We’ll have you set up at the Venice property by next week with your belongings.”

Another beat of his heart and he realized that his comfortable little world was crumbling around him. 

“Oh and need I remind you that you signed a prenuptial agreement, Mr. Sullivan? So you leave with nothing.”

That glint of red and silver was heart shaped and looked awfully heavy when it wasn’t kept afloat by a beautifully creamy white swan neck or vibrating with the power of her singing voice.

“But you’re also still contractually obligated to preform on the Visions album track eight...I believe. So we’ll expect those track tapes two weeks from this coming. Have a good evening, Mr. Sullivan.”

“She’s not wearing the ruby…”

Was all Dave Sullivan could utter.

[enby-mama]

14w5d update

Ok so here goes a big catch up update, lots has happened since my last update!

We got that dating ultrasound and everything looks good, our due date is a bit off from what we thought (not surprising since ovulation after a miscarriage is rarely on schedule) but I'm now estimated to be 14 weeks 5 days as of today, with a due date of December 6th!

We told our parents at about the 8 week mark after we got our results back from the first ultrasound and saw that healthy heartbeat!

Below is that first ultrasound (6w5d)!

Had been referred to a specialist OB before we found out we were pregnant due to repeated miscarriages, and ended up with one of the in-house OBs, but after some issues with paperwork and then him giving me medication that expired 3 YEARS earlier... I've requested to be referred to a different clinic who can hopefully help me better. I find out tommorow if they accept my referral since they don't usually accept transfers. We will see how it goes.

Our 12 week scan went well, though the dr has apparently lost half the bloodwork results so that may need to be redone at the new clinic.

Below is the 12 week scan!

I've had a lot of issues with morning sickness and lack of appetite, and have been put on a medication that's made specifically for pregnant folks to help with both and so far it's amazing. Night and day difference. I actually had lost 5lbs between my 12 week weigh in and my 14 week weigh in which was a bit worrying, and it's only been a few days on the new medication but it's been so helpful tbh. I've been able to be less restrictive about eating and have been able to eat more often, and now that I'm in my second trimester, baby is hungry! I've been encouraged to start tracking calories to make sure I'm getting enough, but I had a eating disorder back in highschool and while I'm past the vast majority of all that, counting calories and micromanaging my food intake like that can be a bit of a trigger still, so we're planning on having that tracking happen on my spouse's phone so I don't have access to it (my idea, in case anyone gets spicy about it)

I've also started to notice more memory issues and hormonal moodiness, esp since entering the second trimester my baseline of patience is significantly reduced and I get spicy easier, but also if I get too tired I get weepy really easily too. Such is pregnancy I guess.

Also today the app I've been using to track everything told me my baby is the size of a mouse! And then I find a baby mouse in my kitchen! No adults around, not scared of the dogs, and not old enough to be out on its own. Big enough to be furred and it's eyes were open but still a baby. So I caught it and did some research and found it's an endemic species and one they're trying to help stabilize the population of due to habitat loss due to invasive European mice! So after almost an hour of trying to track down someone who could take the poor thing we drove over an hour to get to the rehabbers house. She was thrilled to see him and said he looked healthy, but definitely too small to be on his own and likely had only just opened his eyes a day or two ago. While I do love animals, idk that I would have driven over an hour each way on my anniversary to save a mouse had it not been for pregnancy hormones, but my spouse and I made an outing of it and then went for poutine afterwards, which was a good celebration of our anniversary tbh. I got my poutine with pickles and I know that sounds like a very pregnant person thing to do but good lord was it good!

And then this evening when I was getting out of the shower I felt my baby kick for the first time!!! It's so exciting and hard to describe it, and I'm just... So excited to meet this little one!

Hopefully I'll remember to update this more often, if anyone's actually reading these feel free to give me a poke every now and then if it's been a few weeks and I've forgotten to update!

[wonderlandleighleigh]

i gotta see lenny and susie go talk to midge ab that last prompt now 👁👁 (its okay if you dont want to write this though)

(TW for talk about miscarriage and also probably overly mean Joel)

The kids are with Joel for the weekend, and her parents are always out these days. Mama has so many meetings with clients the woman can scarcely keep up, and Papa is always at the paper, dragging Imogene along with him to type his every words.

The apartment feels cavernous when it's so empty. So devoid of life. No Ethan running around or Esther calling for her. Neither parent complaining or crowing about a success.

She didn't mark the particular anniversary of her second child's passing. It was yesterday, and life had gone on as normal, as it always does, but now that she's alone, it's hard not to think about the what-ifs.

Even more than Joel leaving, or being left on the tarmac by Shy Baldwin, falling down those stairs had been the worst thing that had ever happened to her. Midge is quite certain nothing will ever top that. Absolutely nothing.

She takes a breath and settles on making herself some tea. with sherry.

Okay, she's skipping the tea and just putting a little hot water in a cup with a lot of sherry.

She's just put the kettle on the stove when there's a loud, distinctly Susie knock on the door. Midge frowns and walks over, opening the door on Susie, of course.

And Lenny.

Midge blinks rapidly. "I haven't even started drinking yet."

"What?" Susie asks, completely baffled.

"Hello," Lenny says awkwardly.

"What are you two doing here?" Midge asks, still confused, but also kind of amused as well as she steps aside to let them in and closes the door.

"You're acting weird as fuck," Susie tells her. "So I called Lenny, because he was able to knock some sense into you last time."

"I am here to do no such thing," Lenny assures her when she looks at him wide-eyed.

"Because he told me why you're acting so fucking weird," Susie adds.

"Under duress," Lenny says. "Also out of worry."

"I'm fine," Midge tells them firmly. "I just need a little break."

"You were doing so well!" Susie cries. "Takin' gigs again, working. Things were going great, and now you've turned down two gigs."

"And I will start taking them again."

"When?"

"I am not a comedy robot, Susie," Midge snaps, much harsher than either Susie or Lenny are used to. "I needed a break, it's just two gigs. I will get back on the horse again after this weekend."

They glance at each other.

"You're not fine," Lenny says gently.

She looks away from him, crossing her arms over her abdomen. "What do you care, Mr. 'I can only offer you my friendship'?"

"Whoa," Susie mutters, looking surprised.

"What do you either of you care?" Midge asks, her lip starting to tremble. "You don't care that I doomed my own fucking marriage, that it was all my fault. It was all all my fault. It was all my fault."

Susie is about to speak up, and Lenny stops her from saying anything, obviously about to bring up Joel.

He steps forward and gently cups her elbows. "Midge. It was an accident."

"I ruin everything," she tells him meaningfully, looking him in the eyes.

"Is that what Joel told you?" Susie asks. "That you destroyed that fuckin' marriage and not him? You've been divorced for almost four years and he's still tryin' to act like it was all you? That doesn't seem at all crazy or bullshit to you?"

"When he said that? It was the first time he'd mentioned it since it happened. It was five years ago yesterday," She tells them, a tear slipping down her cheek. "Nobody ever wants to talk about it, but it was five years ago yesterday."

They stand there in silence for a long moment, before Midge takes a deep breath, straightening up and gently pulling away from Lenny. she looks at Susie and nods. "I'll take the next gig. No matter what it is. I promise."

Susie opens her mouth, but doesn't get a word out.

Midge looks back at Lenny. "I'll see you when I see you."

Susie blows out a breath. "Okay. Obviously, you wanna be alone. C'mon, Lenny."

"I'm not leaving," he says.

"Oh fuck no, I am not getting in the middle of the shit," Susie announces, pulling open the door and stepping out. "Call me tomorrow, Midge."

When the door closes, Midge starts to wander to the kitchen. "Go home, Lenny."

"Nope."

She whirls around to look at him. "You don't even like being here. You hate the Upper West Side. Go home."

"I don't want to go home," he tells her, wandering into the kitchen after her. "I want to make sure you're okay."

She turns on the stove to heat up the water, and looks at him. "I'm not," she tells him honestly. "I will be, but I'm just not right now."

Lenny nods and leans against the doorway. "Sokay. I'll be here anyways."

Midge glances at him, a little guiltily. "I'm sorry for what I said. I'm glad you're my friend. I shouldn't have thrown that in your face."

"I'm a big boy, Midge," he assures her. "And as much as we talk about just being friends, we're really fuckin' bad at it."

She has to laugh a little at that, wiping her eyes a little. "We're not that terrible at it."

"We're pretty bad," Lenny argues. "Well, I am, at least. Half the time all I think about is that show corset."

"And the other half?" Midge asks, lifting an eyebrow at him.

"How funny you are," he grins at her.

She stops and looks at him, turning sad again. "I don't feel very funny right now."

Lenny nods and pushes off the wall to stand next to her in front of the stove. "I know."

He carefully wraps an arm around her, and she leans against him silently.

[thoughtfulnessme]

30/12/2022 - The year it was.

Tomorrow is the last day of 2022 so I thought I would get in early and write about the year that is was! This year went really quick. It was a challenging year but also one of the best. My husband and I grew even closer to each other and continued to shower each other with love and respect. He truly is my best friend and love of my life and this year reminded me just how grateful I should always be for him. We make the best team together and I know that when we are together we can achieve anything.

January - About a week into January we found out I was pregnant. Within a week, we went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. It was probably one of the most difficult and heartbreaking things we have both gone through - a miscarriage. My husband was by my side and together we got through it. I now know that it happened for a reason but at the time I was just so lost, confused and heartbroken. It was a moment that really shook me because I never imagined that that would be me even though the statistic is 1 in 4 women.

February - In February, I started feeling a bit better and made some goals for myself. I felt motivated to eat healthy and go to the gym as I wanted my body to be as healthy as it could be for when we decided to try again. We went to the beach a lot and just enjoyed each others company.

March - Emotionally, I went through a bit of a rough patch in March. My family came down for a few days and it was really nice to see them and spend time with them. Towards the end of March we booked our tickets to Italy!!! That gave me something to look forward to and I spent most nights and weekends researching and booking things!

April - My 3 brothers came down for Easter so we did a lot of activities together and had a really great time! They went to the casino a couple of times with my husband and won a bunch of money! I also was offered a new job!

May - Towards the end of May, I started my new job and I was so excited!! I went to my friends baby shower and it brought up a few emotions for me. We celebrated my husbands 28th birthday!

June - The best month of the year!! On June 2 we flew to Italy for 3 weeks and we had the most amazing time!!! Our holiday went so smoothly and we had such a great time exploring together, eating and drinking!! We had decided that we would try make a little Italian baby whilst we were abroad and our wish came true!! A couple of days after getting back from our holiday, we found out we were pregnant with our beautiful little rainbow baby!!

July - My morning sickness kicked in and I realised I hated my new job so I quit, had a week off and went back to my old job!! i felt so much happier. We had our first ultrasound - our dating scan - and we saw our precious baby’s healthy heart beat!! We were so relieved and overjoyed.

August - I went back to my old job in the first week of August. We had our 12 week scan in August and towards the end of the month we also popped a balloon and discovered we were having a little princess, a baby girl!!! We were so so happy.

September - We flew up to my family to tell them we were having a baby!! They were all so so happy for us. I told my work and we also announced on social media.

October - Hubby started painting her nursery! We had our 20 week ultrasound we confirmed she was perfect and healthy! I celebrated my 27th birthday and we celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary with a little weekend getaway!!

November - We continued to buy things for the baby! We took progress photos of my belly every couple of weeks. My bump started to get bigger and bigger and I was feeling frequent kicks from her.

December - We celebrated our last Christmas before our little bub joined us. My mum came down for Christmas. We ate lots of yummy food and desert and enjoyed each others company!! Mum and I went shopping and brought heaps of baby stuff!!

We had an amazing year and I am so so excited to see what next year brings for us. I know it will bring us our little bundle of joy and I am so excited to become a parent and to welcome her into this world. I am impatiently counting down the days!! I am 31 weeks pregnant now. I cannot wait to meet her!!

[d0llpie]

can you do 47 with kiyoomi or tsukishima?

“I lost the baby”

Tsukkishima x reader

warnings: miscarriage, blood mention

a/n: after the last one with this prompt i decided to make this one more comfort than angst to make up for how angsty i made the last one, hope you enjoy, thank you for the request <333 okay i just finished writing this it’s still angsty i’m sorry

wc: 1.2k

Tsukkishima was a doting partner, he always made sure to show you how much he loved you to make up for the comfort he couldn’t bring you with his words. He made sure to clean up your desk when you fell asleep early from exhaustion, tidying your room when you were too busy and even taking the time to make you meals if you were too forgetful. You showed your own appreciation through words of affirmation and touch. You were different in that capacity but you fit together well, always in sync, your senses of humor allowed you both to rarely fight and always get along.

You recently moved in together, it suited your schedules better so Tsukkishima could see you more since his hours at the museum changed. He started working later hours to make more money but having you move in allowed him to save up. He told you it was for convienence but you knew he just wanted to see you more, you could tell by the way he pulled you against him at night, the way he insisted on showering with you to ‘save water’ and the way he had your mug out on the bench before you even woke up. You loved living with your boyfriend, how domestic and safe you felt. It made you hopeful knowing he wanted to move further in his life with you.

Tsukkishima was planning out an anniversary date, it was your fourth anniversary and he was planning to propose, you were recently out of school and his job was stable and providing him with enough money. He had been saving up for a ring for a while now, but decided it was time to finally ask you, worried you’d find the ring now that you were under the same roof.

You were also planning a surprise for your anniversary date, you were pregnant. You were worried about his reaction but you knew if he was ready for a child you both could financially support them. Still, you were swarming with nerves, you’d never really discussed kids before but he’d never reacted negatively to seeing a child in public so you were slightly optimistic.

The date rolled around and you slipped on a black spaghetti strap dress and an oversized blazer. Tsukkishima entered your shared bedroom and smirked “you don’t look half bad” you would’ve taken offence if you didn’t notice the blush “hmm you too baby” you leant up to kiss his cheek before taking his hand “you ready to go?” you nodded and grabbed your purse, heading out to the car.

The car ride was a comfortable silence, gazing out at the setting sun and trees passing by, Tsukkishima humming softly beside you every now and then. “Alright, before we go in i have one of my presents for you now” you turned to face him with an expression of awe “tsukki you spoil me” you gave him a kiss again, he pulled out a small black box, a beautiful necklace inside with a tiny moon charm at the bottom “kei” you looked up at him smiling before wrapping your arms around his neck “yeah i know, c’mon turn around” he smiled when you giddily turned around, brushing your hair away from your neck to clip the necklace behind you. He pressed a kiss on your exposed shoulder before opening his door and leading you inside the restaurant where you had your first real date.

During dinner you both had a beautiful time, recounting memories and making snarky comments about the other couples eating together. He never failed to make you laugh, watching as your face scrunched up in joy, he could watch you laugh for hours. “Y/n, i have something i’ve been meaning to ask you” did he know? you wanted to come clean before he could ask so you cut him off “wait let me tell you first, i know we didn’t plan for this but i love you, i want to spend my life with you and i know we’re young but i’m ready...i’m pregnant..” you looked up to see him with tears in his eyes “kei?!” he chuckled before wiping his eyes “i want to spend the rest of my life with you too y/n..” he dropped down to one knee and took your hands into his own you sucked in a breath feeling tears brimming your eyes too “yes yes yes” he laughed again “y/n let me say it” you giggled, trying to calm yourself down “y/n l/n, i can’t imagine being with anyone besides you, i want to wake up everyday and see your stupid snoring and ridiculously adorable laugh, i want to be there when you’re sick and i want you to be the one i grow old and gross with, will you do me the honour of being your husband ?” you nodded tearily smiling at him as he moved up to cup your face and slam his lips against yours in a searing kiss.

The rest of the night was filled with soft sex and cuddling, talking about your wedding and children. It felt like a dream come true, and it was, until reality woke you up. It was only a week later, you woke up in pain and immediately grabbed your stomach, groaning out in pain, alerting Tsukkishima next to you. “Y/n? shit.” he lifted you into his lap and felt the blood on your pants. He could feel his heart breaking and his chest tightening but his priority right now was you. He rushed to put you in the car, speeding to the hospital hoping it wasn’t what he was thinking.

After the miscarriage you passed out in the hospital bed, tear stained cheeks and an anxious Kei by your side, squeezing your hand tightly. He stayed awake most of the night, crying softly, running his hands through your hand, holding you in his arms and trying to ground himself in any way he could. When you woke up in the morning Kei kissed your forehead. You snuggled up closer to him until you felt the pain return and remembered what had happened “i lost the baby...” you whispered quietly, feeling tears well up in your eyes again, Kei’s eyes were puffy as he pulled your head against his, shushing against your hair and whispering against you “i love you so much, it wasn’t your fault, baby you’re so strong, it’ll be okay.” you cried softly in his arms as he continued to rub comforting circles on your back, kissing your forehead “we’ll have a family eventually baby, please don’t cry, i love you so much..”

It took a while for things to get back to normal for you both but Kei was there every step of the way, helping you like usual. You dedicated your time to preparing your wedding instead, focusing on how much you loved Kei. It wasn’t meant to be, eventually you would start a family, it just couldn’t happen this time. You were coming to terms with your loss, Kei was so proud of you, reminding you everyday just how much he loved you.

He was your home and family for now, and that was more than enough for you.

[erenscherub]

Hey, your answer to your last ask is so relatable, i'm a pharmacy student and everything you said about science is really accurate. I wanna praise your choice of words in the series as well, and how your explanations wouldn't bore someone who is hugely uninterested in scientific topics. I also loved how you expressed the way your mc went through miscarriage. The series are very well written, but i just wished eren and mc were more private abt their relationship, maybe eren didnt need constant lectures and fights from others and that he should have been the one to protect mc from everything and from himself, at the same time i wish i could hit him on the carotid artery and be done with him and his drama

I discovered your blog today while on a study break and i binge read your series seasons, your style is so good, I can't wait to finish this month exams so that i can read your other works.

Thank you so much for your kind review 🤧🤧

It’s always nice to talk to a fellow pre-med student! I have two close friends right now that are on the pharmacy track and I wish you all luck with your coursework! Shit’s hard. I think the worst classes for me were molecular bio, genetics, and o-chem.

“I could hit him on the carotid artery and be done with his drama” BAHAHA. Poor Eren, it’s like another ‘donut’ situation.

More rambling under the cut cause it got pretty long

My friend E said the same thing that everyone needs to mind their business when it comes to the reader and Eren. But then she also admitted if one of her best friends was going through such a rough patch and wasn’t being treated well, she’d be encouraging her friend to leave their partner.

I do agree if this was real and not a work of fiction, there’s a lot of things that would not fly well for me. 100% agree that some things especially the anniversary dinner and the birthday party as well as the fight when the reader got back from California should have been matters handled privately.

And if I tried to keep my daughter from learning certain things about her father and my parents still went behind my back after I told them not to, I probably would have had a conversation with my parents and friends on boundaries or threaten going no contact.

I think Amanda and Zeke have always been meddlers. But for the most part, your other friends like Colt, Marcel, Annie, Petra, and Mikasa haven’t really been as vocal or intrusive until the last year of your marriage when things were getting so bad to the point even Cyrus was picking up on the non verbal cues that something was wrong. Because in the end, Eren is still Mikasa and Zeke’s brother. And Annie and Petra were Eren’s friends first.

Though kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for, when Cyrus, Eliza’s best friend who spends a lot of time around Eren began acting up around him, that’s what caught everyone’s attention and they started to be more nosy. I’m a firm believer that kids and dogs’ aversion to certain people can be telling. Basically the affair has been going on for roughly almost two years but it’s after Eren kept messing up consecutively in December that’s when the reader’s friends were more intent on stepping in to mediate since the mc is the type of person to bottle up all her feelings/push everything under the rug and pretend everything is fine

[royallyprincesslilly]

Title: That Old Thing Back {One Shot} ***

Charlie Hunnam x Ex-Wife Reader

Warning: Cursing, Angst, POV Changes, LOTS OF WORDS, NSFW, Mentions of miscarriage

Words: 8,888k 

Note: Okay, this is a first for Charlie. I am not familiar with his mannerisms at all, so I hope this hits well. If not, anon, I am sorry. As always, thank you all for reading! Also, y’all see 8888 words. 8888 must mean something right.

 ***Loosely Edited/Proofread***

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you meet someone, within minutes, you know what you want from them. After the first conversation, you know what capacity you want them in your life. After a week, you know just how you feel about them. Charlie could attest to this. When he first saw you, he couldn’t keep his eyes off you. He was mesmerized by you and just sat and marveled as you danced around the great lawn of the park he happened to be in that afternoon. You looked carefree and so full of life. Nine other women were dancing with you, but he could only see you.

 That led him to stalk you for the remainder of the afternoon. Once the class was finished, he followed behind you and listened to your conversation as you walked through the streets and fell deeper under your spell. Your voice was like a finely tuned melody that sounded better than any song he’d ever heard. He sat in the same restaurant you did and just watched you as you spoke and laughed. Every story you told was so animated he felt like he’d been right there when it happened. You were the most captivating creature he’d ever seen.

 By the time he knew what had happened, he’d pushed his entire day to the side and had followed you, and he didn’t regret one thing. When he least expected it, you confronted him and called him out on his stalker antics, and that only made him want to know you more. It was the perfect imperfect meet. From that day, the two of you had been inseparable. You spent all your free time together. When he told you his aspiration to be an actor, you didn’t laugh or tell him to forget it and be more practical. You were his biggest supporter, and he fell harder for you.

A whirlwind, passion-filled eight-month romance led to him proposing and begging you to spend your life with him. When you excitedly screamed yes and leaped on him in the middle of the restaurant, everyone around you elated and showered you with applause and well wishes. The two of you didn’t bother waiting. A month later, you were married and more in love than ever. Neither of you were prepared when CJ came around, but it made your love deeper, your marriage stronger.

 You were by his side as he struggled through audition after audition, waiting for his big break. You were there rejection after rejection, always having his back and pushing him never to give up. You were his backbone, and when that role came, you were right there for him. The rolls came in one after the other, which meant he was gradually becoming busier and busier. Before you knew it, he was always on a movie set, and you were always home with CJ.

 No one prepared him for the struggles of marriage, a baby, and his budding career. He was warned about it by his agent early on, but he swore the two of you had what it took to withstand any and all struggles. He hadn’t factored himself in as a struggle. Thanks to his rapid rise to fame, everyone wanted a piece of him, and when they took their piece, there was none left for you. The arguments increased, and the miscommunication and unsaid words took a toll. The space that formed between you was wide enough to classify them as chasms.

 It seemed like he couldn’t do anything right. Everything he said was wrong. When he took a weekend off of work, it was wrong because you found it clear he would rather be working. When he tried to get close to you for any affection, you were always tired from your day with CJ, and every time you tried, he was too busy. He got lost in the Hollywood lifestyle, the parties, the socializing, the life that was bullshit, and had nothing on you or CJ. He turned into the monster in the fairytale, the monster that mothers warned their daughters about.

 He’d lost track of how many times he’d heard you crying, lost track of how many times he’d struggled with what to do, how to be. It wasn’t that he wanted to hurt you, he just didn’t know how to be who you wanted, how you needed him to be. The last straw was him missing your birthday to remain at the Cannes Film Festival, the festival he got pictured in a compromising position. One he was entirely at fault for, but one where absolutely nothing happened. The last thing you said to him was, “Your priorities are all fucked up, if you don’t want us fine I’ll solve the problem.”

 He came home to divorce papers and an empty house and not too long after you were in the hospital suffering from a miscarriage. A miscarriage the doctors blamed on stress, a miscarriage you blamed on him, a miscarriage he blamed himself for. After that, you made it clear you were done with him. He had the thought to contest and fight for you, but he knew the same problems would still be there. He had to face the facts that you’d probably grown too far apart, and that he would only cause you pain. He had to let you go. So, let you go he did.

 Groaning, he rubbed his face trying to keep the sleep at bay. The sound of the waves at his Malibu home was the soothing back noise he needed. It was the same noise that propelled him deep into his state of depression. It was a sate he’d been fighting for the last year. He’d been mostly successful, but tonight was hard. Tonight, was the anniversary of what would have been your seventh wedding anniversary.

 The whole night he’d been haunted by memories, haunted by feelings, and haunted by every regret he’d held on to for the last near two years. He thought of scenarios where he should have said something when he hadn’t said anything. He thought about the times he didn’t do something when he should have dome something—anything. He regretted everything that led to this point, the point where he had no wife and a son he was missing that was growing up without seeing him every day.

 “Fuck!” His shout was loud, and though the beach was vast, it still somehow echoed around him. There was no escaping you. He’d tried like hell every day, especially when you moved said the most hurtful words you’d ever said to him.

 -Fourteen Months Earlier-

 “Leave Charlie; you’re good at that.”

 “That’s not fair, Y/N, and you know it!”

 You spun around with pure vitriol radiating from you. “Fair! Do you know what’s not fair? It’s not fair that I’ve been by your side through everything, supporting you and loving you fiercer than a mother lion to her cubs, birthed your son, held you down through everything, the struggle, the good times only to have you do this!”

 “You’re the one who left me, Y/N!”

 He knew he shouldn’t have thrown that at you. He knew it was a bad idea.

 “Let’s be real. You left me long before I left you! Plus, what was there to stay for, a man who turned out to be my biggest mistake?”

  -Present Day-

 With his phone in hand, he pulled up your contact. It was one that he stared at so often—too often, he opened up his messages and did the only thing his head told him to.

 MSG My Wife: It’s insane today would have been our 7th anniversary. Seven years. The day I said those vows to you were the happiest day of my life until the day you told me about CJ. I thought seven would be just the beginning for us. I fully expected seventeen, twenty-seven, thirty-seven, seventy. I probably shouldn’t be sending this, but there was no way I could fight it. God, Y/N, this has always been my favorite day. Now it’s one of the most painful.

 He tossed his phone on the side table and dropped his head back, praying he could forget and move on. It was clear you’d already done it.

 As if that wasn’t enough, to add insult to injury, four days later he was staring down at the date your divorce was finalized. It was irony at its best and a just punishment for him. He’d been suffering the last year, so much, so pain felt like his best friend. He just wallowed in everything he’d lost, wallowed in it with no intention to pull himself out. It was that same pain that had him on this interstate driving out of LA to the place he shouldn’t be going anywhere near.

 When he pulled up inside the yard, he sat in his mustang for much longer than he should have. He looked around at somewhere he was familiar with but only loosely. He looked at the toys scattered on the lawn and smiled before it slipped and was replaced with sorrow. After taking a deep breath, he got out and walked to the door. He hesitated before his knuckles rapped on the door, then he waited.

  ~~~~~~~~~

-Y/N-

“CJ, please put this hoverboard away before I break my neck!”

 You wiped your hands on the dishtowel as you made your way to the front door. Your son was single-handedly working overtime to break every bone in his body. You’d heard that raising a boy would be difficult, but you were not prepared. He was a handful and a half, especially since he was the carbon copy of his father. Not only did he look just like him down to his blond hair, but he also had the same interests—skating, hoverboarding, biking, and soccer. Those were just the beginning of their similarities. With your head lost in thought, you didn’t see the fist-size fire truck that was lying in wait for you just in front of the door. You hopped and did your best football scrimmage to avoid the tragedy you foresaw.

 “Jesus Christ! Charles Matthew Hunnam, Junior!”

 You could hear the barrage of footsteps as he came running. He knew when you used his entire name; he was in trouble. As sure as the sky was blue, he came bounding around the corner with his blond curls bouncing and honey-chocolate sun kissed complexion on his way to you.

 “I’m sorry, mommy,” he sheepishly breeched as he bent to the floor to gather the death traps he’d left for you.

 “How many times have I told you to pick your toys up when you’re finished?”

 “I’m sorry, I forgot.” He looked so sad now and gave you those blue specked hazel eyes that were such an interesting mix of yours and Charlie’s that you were always a sucker for.

 Groaning, you shook your head affectionally. “Try to remember, honey,” you softly reminded. CJ nodded and threw his arms around your midsection. These were the things that made your day. The doorbell rang then, reminding you someone was there.  “Take them up, please.”

 “Okay, mommy.” You turned from him and continued your walk to the door. When you swung it open, you were shocked half to death to see Charlie standing on the other side.

 “Charlie,” you gasped out. Once CJ heard his name, you heard the clatter of the toys he must have just had heaped in his hands.

“Daddy!” You heard him running, and in seconds, he bound into Charlie’s waiting arms.

 “Ah! Hey, buddy!” Charlie stood and held onto CJ like he was his most favorite thing in the world; it was the same way CJ held onto him.

 You stood there and watched them half warmed by the sight of father and son and their evident love for each other and half seething that Charlie was there in the first place. He knew better than to show up unannounced. The only way this worked was if you had time to prepare yourself to see him. This was unexpected.

 “I missed you, daddy.”

 “I missed you too, CJ. Gosh, you look like you’re growing like a weed,” Charlie surmised, placing CJ back onto the ground.

 “I am, mommy says I’m half her height.”

 “Oh, is that right? So half her height means you’re still a ways behind me. I guess I better go back to eating my veggies,” Charlie joked. CJ found it funny, even if you didn’t.

 Clearing your throat, you brought the attention of your ex-husband to you. his smile faltered. “What’re you doing here, Charlie?”

 “I uh—I wanted to see CJ.”

 You dropped your head and sighed. This was going to turn into an argument.

 “I wanted to see you too, daddy. Can we do something? Can I show you my new bike? Then can we go down to the lake, and I can show you my new trick?”

 “Hold on there, bud. We gotta ask mommy,” Charlie said on a chuckle.

 “Can we mommy, please, please, please, please!” CJ was pouring on all the emotions and sweetness. You didn’t have the heart to say no.

 “Go ahead, have fun. Please, no broken bones!”

 “Thank you, mommy.” His hug was quick before he was grabbing hold of Charlie’s hand to yank him away. As he did, Charlie looked back to you with a melancholic smile, one you refused to read into.

 When you walked back inside, you were the one to pick up the toys you’d just told your son to pick up. You didn’t mind this time; you needed something to keep yourself busy. Picking up CJ’s toys turned into rearranging some of the things in the living room, and that turned into sweeping, then vacuuming and finally mopping. You could hear the jolly screams and laughs from inside the yard, and though it made you happy to hear how happy CJ was, it also filled you with a hint of sadness, one you’d worked hard to ignore.

 Every so often, you found yourself drifting to the windows to watch on as the two of them played. Every time you looked out, they were doing something different. Once it was tricks on BMX bikes, another time it was weird acrobatics like handstands and flips, and when you looked out once and saw them actually building mud monsters, you nearly lost your shit at how adorable they were together. That was when you stepped up the cleaning and began cleaning the kitchen.

 Once the cleaning was finished, you moved on to starting dinner. An hour passed then two, and you were in the thick of things. You’d only intended on cooking lasagna, but that turned into lasagna with sautéed broccoli, and garlic bread and dessert. It was apparent to you that you were anxiety cooking. Before you finished, though in they bounded downright filthy but over the moon.

 “Mommy, look!” CJ ran to you completely covered in a mixture of dried and wet mud with grass stains. He looked ready to throw his arms around you before you scurried behind the kitchen island.

 “Charles Matthew Hunnam, don’t you dare get me dirty.” His laughter was loud.

 “Fine, but look what we brought you.” He held out a bouquet of handpicked flowers of all varieties. A smile stretched across your face. You knew it was going to happen before it did.

 “You picked me flowers?”

 “Yup, it was daddy’s idea, then we had a competition who could pick the most. I won,” CJ happily boasted. The tears welling in your eyes could not be stopped from spilling.

 “Thank you, CJ, they are gorgeous. I love them almost as much as I love you.” CJ’s smile was just as wide, and your heart melted.

 “If you weren’t as filthy as a lost boy, I would hug you and kiss you, so if you want that hug and kiss, you better get showered.”

 “Okay, mommy.” CJ began to run away but stopped and came back to stand before Charlie. “Are you going to leave now?” His tone was low, and he looked like he was about to cry.

 “Uh—well, I hadn’t planned on staying this long.”

 “No! No, no, stay please, please, please. Mommy said she was going to make lasagna. It’s my favorite,” CJ rattled on.

 “Mine too,” Charlie admitted. You knew it.

 “Mommy, daddy loves your lasagna too; can he stay for dinner with us? Please, please, pleeeeeeease!”

 “CJ, I’m sure that your dad has things he has to do.”

 “No, he doesn’t, I asked outside he said he has nothing to do. Please, mommy, for meeeeee.” His whine was becoming incessant, sighing you accepted defeat.

 “Okay, only because I’d do anything for you.” CJ smiled widely again then hugged Charlie before he ran off, leaving the two of you standing there.

 “Uh—I can take shower duty, or have you transitioned him to alone ones?”

 “He’s all yours.” Charlie nodded and walked up the stairs where CJ just disappeared from.  

 Once alone, you looked at the flowers in your hands and ignored the flutter in your belly and the sight of one of your favorite wildflowers, dab smack in the middle of the bouquet, the one only Charlie knew about —poppies.

Nearly forty minutes later, dinner was underway, and it felt like old times, the times during your marriage before things went to shit. CJ talked about everything under the sun. He told Charlie all about his soccer schedule and who his friends were in school this month, he even told him all the gossip in his class. It was like he was making up for the last three weeks he hadn’t seen him. That made you sad, but you knew it was just how life was. Charlie was now a full-fledged movie star, and though his star rose years ago, it was still rising. Thanks to his insanely successful show, Sons of Anarchy, his name was a household one, and it came with thousands of thirsty groupies.

 Charlie laughed loudly as he threw his head back, clearly amused by one of CJ’s stories. He truly looked to be enjoying himself to the fullest. You’d long known that CJ was the best thing that had ever happened to Charlie. You’d spent long nights talking about just how much he loved that little boy and everything in you loved to hear him talk about how enamored he was with him. You knew that would never change, no matter what happened between the two of you.

 A little more than halfway through dinner Charlie’s eyes met yours, and it felt like forever ago that you’d looked into them. They looked different, sadder, more detached, and full of something that looked like pain. He looked different to you now than he had months ago. Maybe he was different, you thought.

 “Mommy, can I have dessert?”

 Snapping out of it, you smiled and nodded to your son. “Absolutely, a slice of pineapple upside-down cake coming right up.” You stood and walked into the kitchen to fix three plates of the dessert. When you came back, the two of them were doing thumb wars. Shaking your head, you put the plates down and tried not to think about how much different things could have been.

 The three of you ate your sweet treat and continued to emulate the perfect family. Once dessert was finished, Charlie was the one to initiate doing the dishes something you remembered he promised on your wedding day to do when he loved you the most to show you he cared and appreciated you. There was no way that was the reason now. While he did the dishes with CJ, you busied yourself with finding yet another thing to clean. It was a habit at this point.

 After the tidying was completed, you sat in front of the TV to watch an episode of CJ’s favorite cartoon, The Last Airbender. Through the entire episode, he and Charlie whispered and chatted about the episode then pretended to be from warning nations while they did their bending. It was then you faced how much you missed nights like this. It had been close to two years since the three of you spent time together like this. It was done on purpose. You didn’t think you could handle it. You had no idea how you were now.

 Before you knew it, the time had run away, and it was now almost ten. After telling CJ to get into bed, hit the bottle of your go-to liquor, hoping to find some form of strength to hold you up. Having Charlie there playing doting dad and husband as if he was no longer a part of your life hurt, it hurt a hell of a lot. You still had some animosity about the way things ended.

 When you made it upstairs, Charlie was sitting at the foot of CJ’s bed looking as if he were about to read him his bedtime story. “Oh, it’s cool. You guys go ahead,” you began.

 “Mommy, can you both read to me, like how you used to,” CJ pleaded. That was like a knife to the gut. You’d made CJ your top priority your whole like, and when you and Charlie began to have problems, his happiness was the only thing the two of you agreed on. You didn’t want him to feel as if he were missing anything, but right now, you saw he felt the void.

 “Of course, baby.” Walking around the bed to CJ’s pillow, you settled in your usual place and lifted your bare legs into the bed to cuddle beside your son. CJ dropped his head on your chest, where he knew he could listen to your heart. It was an action he’d always done ever since he was a little boy.

 You kissed the top of his head before you began. “Ready?” CJ nodded. Charlie held out the book to you, but you shook your head. “I’ve got it memorized. You keep it.”

 You took another breath, then began. “A mother bird sat on her egg. The egg jumped. Oh, oh! said the mother bird. “My baby will be here! He will want to eat. I must get something for my baby bird to eat! She said. I will be back! So away, she went.” CJ burrowed deeper into your side, making you smile. When you looked up, Charlie’s eyes were glued on the two of you. Nodding, you signaled for him to take over.

 Charlie cleared his throat and took a breath. “The egg jumped. It jumped and jumped and jumped! Out came the baby bird. Where is my mother, he said? He looked for her. He looked up; he did not see her. He looked down; he did not see her. I will go and look for her. So away, he went.” He read it without looking at the book. He just stared at CJ.

 With your turn, you read the next few pages, but you couldn’t keep your eyes off Charlie. He watched you as you watched him, and it was the most perfect thing. For the next ten or so minutes, you read the book to your son together. When he spoke, he never once looked down at the pages, never once broke the eye contact between you. The only time he glanced from your eyes was to look into his son’s. There were so many instances you had to stifle the flutter of your heart, and countless times, you found yourself looking over his hands and forearms. Even when he caught you, you didn’t seem to care. His voice coupled with how enamored he looked with CJ and vice versa and how rugged he looked, was wreaking havoc on you, especially when you remembered the miscarriage. Once you remembered that, a bitter taste filled your mouth, which brought you back to your reality.

 “All right, prince charming, that’s it,” you gently informed. CJ was still wide awake.

 “Aww. Does that mean you’re leaving now, daddy?” Charlie sighed, and it brought your attention to him. He looked equally as distraught as CJ did. The pit of your stomach knotted. This was never the fun part.

 “I’m afraid so, buddy.”

 “No. Stay, please. I don’t want you to go. I won’t see you for weeks. I miss you. Don’t you miss me? It’s like you don’t like being here with me or with us,” CJ rushed out. You could hear the pain in his voice, and it broke you in two. Looking at Charlie, you could see it was the same for him.

 “Of course, I miss you, buddy. I miss you more than I have the words to say. I always want to be with you, to be here, but you know that’s not our life anymore,” Charlie carefully explained.

 “Baby, it’s all right. Your dad loves you more than anything in this world,” you assured, hoping to smooth things over. It didn’t look like he believed one word you said.

 “Bud, I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise.”

 “I don’t believe you!” With that, the silence in the room was heavy. Charlie looked at his wit’s end with how to console him, and you knew what to do, but you didn’t think you had the strength. You could feel CJ’s tears, and that was the last straw.

 “Look at me, CJ.” Slowly he rose his head to you. you wiped his cheeks and kissed his forehead. “He’ll be here when you wake up.” It was a whisper because that was all you could muster.

 “What?” Charlie’s shock was evident. You looked at him and sighed.

 “You should stay. He needs this—he needs you.”

 Charlie searched your eyes before he spoke again. “Are you sure?”

 No, you weren’t sure. This was probably a bad idea for you, but for CJ, it was the best solution. Nodding your response, you looked back to CJ.

 “He can stay, mommy?” His smile was right back where it should be.

 “He can stay love, but you have to go to sleep.”

 Yayy!” CJ threw his arms around you to show his gratitude and excitement. You kissed him once more then stood.

 “Bed.” CJ kissed your jaw, then dropped back onto his bed and snuggled in his covers.

 “I’m going to stay; it’s been a while since I’ve watched him sleep,” Charlie whispered. Nodding, you walked out the door, leaving it slightly ajar.

 Again, you busied yourself preparing the guestroom, hoping the movement would distract you from not only thinking but worrying about the ramifications of your decision. This would be the first time in almost two years you’d slept under the same roof. Divorced meant over and done with. Of course, divorced with a child didn’t give a shit about over and done. He’d forever be in your life.

 The message you’d received from him a few days ago reminded you of just that. It was the most unexpected thing, the most heartbreaking message you’d gotten from him in a long time. It was so heartbreaking you had to lock yourself in the bathroom with the faucet and shower running to hide the sounds of your bawling from CJ. You ended up hiding in there for close to an hour, and even when you reemerged, you were emotionally unstable for the remainder of the evening. You were so emotionally unstable; there was no way you trusted yourself to respond, so you left it on read. What the fuck were you supposed to say to it anyway?

 After changing the sheets and straightening up a few things, you retreated to your bedroom for some quiet time, quiet time you desperately needed. You didn’t know how to get through the next twenty-four hours. You were struggling. Staring in the mirror, you objectively looked at yourself. You saw the truth, you always had. You just couldn’t afford to let that truth slip to the surface.

 The knock at the door had you leaping to your feet. When you opened it, there was Charlie, and your stomach liked what it saw.

 “Fast asleep?” He nodded and looked down at the floor.

 “I don’t have to stay in the house. I can sleep in my car,” Charlie suggested.

 “I’d do anything for you—for CJ.” The way he said it had your heart racing.

 “It’s fine. I have space. Come on.” You walked out of your bedroom and down the hall leading him to the guestroom you’d just prepped. When he walked into the room, you watched as he looked around.

“I just changed the sheets; they’d been on for weeks. It should be all good.”

 He turned to you, nodding his head. “Thank you, love dove.”

 The name hit you like a mack truck. You audibly “oofed” as you wrapped your arms around your midsection, instantly feeling the effect and the loneliness it brought on. He used to always call you that name, a day would never go by without him whispering it in your ear, against your neck, or your lips. You were brought back to happier times where you’d be locked in your room in bed, just ravaging each other, and he’d whisper it the entire time.

 Charlie must have been going through the same thing you were because he looked regretful before he spoke. “Sorry. Old habits.”

 Again, your stares lingered, and the air in the room was heavy and hot. It was like the last year or so didn’t happen, like he hadn’t broken your heart. He still had an effect.

 “Good night.” It was quickly said, and your exit was just as quick. You spent the next forty or so minutes in the shower. You hoped it would help to calm you down, but it didn't do that, it just gave you more anxiety.

 When you got out, you began to wonder if you’d placed towels in the room. When you saw them in your closet, you realized you’d brought them here mistakenly. Once you wrapped in your robe, you made your way to his room to drop them off. You knocked once, then twice, but neither knocks were answered. Deciding you could chance sneaking in to put the towels down, you opened the door. The sound of the shower running gave you your answer as to why he didn’t answer. Quickly you walked to the bed and put the stack of grey towels on the bed. As you neared it, out came Charlie in all his wet glory. In your shock, the towels fell to the floor and had your eyes snapping shut.

“Oh, god, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude. I forgot to leave some towels. I knocked; you didn’t answer.”

 The room was silent; he didn’t speak. You wondered what he was doing. Was he trying to cover himself? Using your hands as your eyes, you felt for the towels you’d dropped. In seconds frustration filled you when you couldn’t find them. Opening your eyes for a second, you saw the towels, but when you looked only a centimeter up, there was his junk right in front of you. He hadn’t budged from his spot and hadn’t even made an attempt to cover himself.

 You meant to look away immediately, but that didn’t happen. He was maybe half a foot from you, close enough to touch. Charlie had always been the most attractive man that you’d seen. He’d always done it for you. With you on your knees before him, you realized that hadn’t changed. A son, a miscarriage, a messy ending to your marriage, and a divorce had done nothing to temper how much you always seemed to want him or be attracted to him.

 You were kneeling there in wide-eyed amazement. It had been years since you’d seen him like this. The deterioration of your marriage meant you spent lots of nights lonely and unloved. Before you gave him divorce papers, it had been seven whole months since you’d been intimate. When you added on the four months it took for the divorce to finalize and the year of being a divorcee, you hadn’t gotten laid in over two years. It was shameful because right now you knew why only he had an impact, only he would do.

 “It’s okay,” Charlie whispered. His voice was shaking, and he sounded hopelessly breathless. “It’s nothing you haven’t seen before in great detail.”

 Again, you remembered all the things you’d done to him in great detail over the six years of your marriage. Jumping to your feet, you tried your hardest to look away from his inviting appendage. You held out the stack of towels to him with your head turned to the side and waited for him to take them. When his hands grasped the items, they brushed yours and sent thousands of electric sparks through your hand and directly into your heart.

 Your eyes met again, and they lingered on each other. You hoped he couldn’t hear your heart, hoped he couldn’t tell what a fraud you were.

 “I should go,” you whispered.

 “You don’t have to.” His response awoke a need in you that you thought you’d buried. You knew what he was suggesting. Everything in you wanted to take the gentle suggestion and cross the room to him, but then what.

 Groaning, you peeled your eyes from his and turned. “Yes, I have to. Good night Charlie.” Those were the last words before you made your rapid exit.

 The following morning you awoke to the scent of food being prepared. When you looked at the clock, it was almost ten. Usually, you’d be up by eight. You’d slept in. Quickly you brushed your teeth and pulled on a pair of leggings then went downstairs. As you neared the kitchen, you could smell the evidence of what promised to be a delicious breakfast. You turned, and there was Charlie standing over the store in his tank cooking away. Good lord help you he’d buffed up even more, you thought. Times like these you wished things had been different. You missed mornings like this. Charlie looked up and smiled when he saw you. As you approached, his eyes roamed your body before his eyebrows knitted together.

 “What?”

 “Is that my hoodie?” You looked over yourself and realized your error. It was normal for you to sleep in his clothes, but you didn’t realize you still worse it.

 “Nope.” It was a lie but one he couldn’t fully prove.

 Charlie scoffed but didn’t speak again for a long time. You took the opportunity to bring up his impromptu visit.

 “You can’t just show up unannounced Charlie. That is not okay. You can see CJ whenever you want I have never kept the two of you apart but just showing up here—you can’t.”

 Charlie nodded and but kept his eyes down. “I know, I’m sorry. I just—I really missed CJ, and I had to see him, so see you. I couldn’t stay away. I wanted to talk.”

 What the hell were you supposed to say to that, you thought. Sensing your speechlessness, Charlie spoke. “I’m sorry about last night. I was out of line.”

 “Let’s not talk about it, CJ will be down any minute.”

 “I have to talk about it. I’m losing my mind. I’ve been losing it for the last near two years, and—I’m struggling,” Charlie admitted. His candor shook you. Half of you wanted to know more, but the other half was too scared.

 “Charlie, it’s fine. Let’s move on.”

 “I can’t. I can’t be like you. You have everything so put together. You’ve pieced this life together without me, and I can’t seem to piece any life together without you—without CJ.”

 It was then CJ came running down. It should have been sooner because you were absolutely ruined now.  You and Charlie stared at each other. He was daring you to speak, to acknowledge what he’d just dropped on you.

 “Daddy!” CJ jumped onto Charlie bringing his attention to your son. You took the reprieve to dip into the half bath to pull yourself together.

 You tried to wrap your head around what he’s said, tried to make sense of it. After five minutes, you still couldn’t come to terms with it, so you did the next best thing, pushed it aside. When you walked back out, CJ was sitting at the dining table, as was Charlie.

 “Ready to eat, mommy?”

 “Absolutely.” You sat at the table and dove into the food, all the while avoiding Charlie’s eyes. Through breakfast, he and CJ talked and joked with each other. It was a welcomed chatter because it took the attention off you.

 Once breakfast was finished, you cleaned the dishes while CJ got himself dressed for a playdate he’d been looking forward to the whole week. Now that Charlie was there, he refused to go. It wasn’t until Charlie promised he’d still be there when he got back did CJ agree. When the two of them came down, CJ was dressed and ready just in time for him to be picked up. You thanked Claudia for setting it up the playdate and waved goodbye to CJ from the front door.

 When you turned around, Charlie was leaning on the steps watching. You hesitated closing the door to enclose yourself in a confined space that had plenty of surfaces for him to bend you over. When you did, you quickly walked back to the kitchen.

 “We have to talk, Y/N.”

 “No, we don’t. There is nothing to talk about.”

 “Bullshit. After yesterday, last night, even in the kitchen this morning. We have plenty to talk about,” Charlie responded, following you through the house.

 “Charlie, don’t.”

 “I have to. Are you happy? Like really happy? It’s been a year. Are you happy? Is this what you wanted? Did you want our son feeling like a consolation in our relationship?”

 “Are you happy? You’ve gotten what you wanted.”

 “Me?! Y/N, you gave me divorce papers. You left our house and never came back,” Charlie shouted through clenched jaws.

 “Oh right, I’m the big bad wolf. You know how to fight for a role, but you have no clue how to fight for your marriage, your son. Classic.” You slammed the kitchen fridge unsure why you’d opened it in the first place.

 “Don’t pull that. I fought, I came to you over and over, begging you not to do it, pleading with you. You refused to listen.”

 “What did you come to me for Charlie? What the hell did you prove to me? What did you show me? What was I going back for? The same bullshit? The same treatment?! In all the times you came begging and pleading, you never once showed me how things would change. You just didn’t want a divorce under your belt. You didn’t want the press to get wind of it.”

 “That’s bullshit! I wanted my wife; I wanted my son! You didn’t want me. When did you stop loving me, Y/N?”

 You looked at him incredulously. He had to be fucking kidding, you thought. Your anger was rising by leaps and bounds, and you knew the next words out your mouth were going to be venom. “Is the weight of it all too heavy now, Charlie? A year later, a year after you switched up and changed? A year after you showed me time and time and again what was important, who was important. You showed me I didn’t mean shit; CJ didn’t mean shit. I was not going to stay and turn into those Hollywood couples who hated each other and only remained for the spotlight. No!”

 “You gave up on me,” Charlie whispered.

 “Fuck you! You gave up. You gave up on me and us long before I left you those divorce papers. You did.” You walked away because you could feel your tears spilling over, but you turned around back to him, tired of hiding the fallout of his actions. “You know what makes all of this so much worse? My friends told me this would happen. They told me before we got married, told me to slow down, be careful with you, and I defended you. I defended you till kingdom come. Look where we are, Charlie! Living in a perfect lie!”

 “I don’t want to live this lie. I miss you, Y/N. I miss CJ. I miss our life; I miss our family. I’m miserable,” Charlie dropped.

 His tears ran down his cheeks, and you flared your nose. This was always your weakness. Charlie had always been in touch with his emotions, but his emotions had to be overwhelming for him to cry.

 “Good. You sowed this Charlie. You brought all of this on. My baby--,” you began, but the pain was too much. Charlie sobbed and dropped his head back.

 “I’m sorry,” he said as he approached you. You steadily backed away from him, not wanting him to touch you.

 “Y/N,” Charlie began as you shook your head.

 “No. I’m not doing this with you. I refuse.”

 Charlie quickly caught you before you turned and kept you facing him. “You can’t run from this Y/N. Face it with me, please.”

 You kept a straight face, refusing to cry any more. You refused to allow him any closer than he already was. You wouldn’t survive it this time. Charlie grunted out in frustration when he realized you were hell-bent on keeping him at bay.

 “Y/N!”

 “What do you want from me, Charlie?” You shot death rays right at him.

 “I want you to say anything! Scream! Yell at me! Just something to show you fucking care.”

 “Why should I care? Why the hell should I give one flying fuck?”

 “Because I’m still in love with you!”

 The words felt like a slap in the face. You’d imagined how they’d sound coming from him during the whole divorce process, during the whole year after the divorce. You were convinced he didn’t love you anymore for him to have treated you the way he did, for him to have done what he did in Cannes. The stress of it brought on your miscarriage.

 Though you’d wanted to hear them, you hadn’t prepared to hear them.

 “I love you. God, I can't keep pretending like I'm okay with any of this. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t kill me to be away from you, to be away from CJ. I can’t act like I’m thriving or happy. I’m not. I’m miserable. I wish I could press rewind and go back and better, do better. I wish I knew better then, as I know now. I fucked up, and I regret it more than I’ve ever regretted anything in my life. If I had been a better man, none of this would have happened. If I’d only been the man you deserved our baby—our princess would be here right now. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life, the pain that I caused your miscarriage, the pain that I broke our vows, that I broke your heart, I broke us.”

 Charlie dropped his forehead to your collar, and his tears dropped across your chest. They felt like acid peeling away every barrier you’d built between him and your heart. He was saying everything you want him to, everything. He wasn’t holding anything back. They were words you’d desperately wanted to hear.

 “I’m sorry, love dove. I never wanted to give up on you--on us. I loved you so much. You were my world until CJ. Then you became my universe. I lost myself. I lost sight of you and me. I lost sight of the man I was and wanted to be. For that, I will always be sorry. Losing you and CJ, it broke me. I stand here a broken man. I had to find me again. It’s been hard, but the root of me is you and my son. My family. You have always been what mattered, and I regret I ever lost that, that I ever made you feel like you weren’t my everything.”

 One lone tear rolled down your cheek, and that was just the beginning. When Charlie swiped it away with the pad of his thumb, the flood gates opened. You bawled uncontrollably, all your emotions finally catching up to you. Charlie wept with you, and that was how the two of you stayed for countless minutes.

 When you opened your eyes and realized how close he was, you sniffled. Slowly the two of you inched to one another. Before your lips touched, both of you hesitated. “Fall back in love with me, love dove.” He whispered.

 He really thought you’d ever fallen out of love with him. “You’re an idiot if you think I’ve ever fallen out of love with you.” The hope you saw in Charlie’s eyes set your belly fluttering. It was overwhelming. Charlie claimed your lips in a soft but passionate kiss that took your breath away. It was so intense you felt as if you’d been possessed by sheer desire. The kiss began timid and soft, but in seconds, it had turned into a lustful and sensual soul transference. Charlie’s hands gripped your hips and pulled you flush against him before he lifted you in his arms.

 Wrapping your legs around him, you kissed him back with as much heat as you kissed you. Soon the two of you were walking through the house blindly looking for anywhere. Charlie plopped you onto something, and the backs of your knees said it was the kitchen island. Quickly both of you stripped each other. He pulled off his hoodie from your body as you peel his shirt off. Charlie cupped your breasts when he realized you weren’t wearing a bra then dipped his mouth to your mounds. Instantly you moaned and hugged his head to your flesh.

 Charlie nipped and hypnotizingly sucked your skin, bringing you more and more ecstasy. It had been so long since you’d felt like this; you didn’t want to think about anything else but the sensations. Charlie pushed you back onto the island and brought his lips down your stomach to your hip. Once there, he pulled off your leggings in one fluid motion. His beard tickled your skin and had you wriggling underneath him. Charlie’s groan was loud when he realized you wore nothing under those leggings.

 In seconds he’d draped your legs over his shoulder and reclaimed claimed ownership of the most intimate part of you. He moaned as he lapped at your wetness and teased and pleased your body. You bucked your hips against his lips, feeling your orgasm barrel toward you. Everything in you said it was going to be a catastrophic one. You panted and gasped his name as your body wildly thrashed, unable to control it any longer.

 “Aah, yes, right there. Yes, Charlie, yes, yes!”

 Your scream was loud, and the tightness of your legs around his head was enough to suffocate. Charlie didn’t panic. Instead, he lifted your lower half into the air and continued his feast, not caring if you were overstimulated or not. Your screech echoed off the walls of the kitchen, and you tried to pry him away from your sex. He refused to budge even when you’d unwrapped your legs the best you could. Yet another orgasm ripped through you, sending a gush of moisture all over his mouth and beard. Charlie groaned, gripped your breasts, and squeezed hard enough for you to know just how tightly wound he was.

 When he pried your legs from around him, you felt the renewed fire and quickly slid off the island to drop before him. You hurriedly stripped him eager to have him. Once he was free, his heavy cock bobbed in front of you. Wasting no more time, you slid him into your mouth, ignoring your gag and took every inch he was blessed with. Charlie shouted and hugged your head to his cock, keeping him lodged tightly in your throat. Sensing the low levels of your air supply, he pulled back enough to give you a brief reprieve. It was all you needed and more than you wanted.

 Slamming him back into your mouth, you lodged him in your throat again, all the while moaning enthusiastically. Charlie’s hands never left your head just as his mouth never closed. Moan after moan fell from him as you sucked and slurped his length. In no time at all, Charlie was thrusting into your mouth hell-bent on finding his long-overdue release. Just as you were finding a groove, Charlie pulled from your mouth with a loud “pop” before he pulled you up and pushed you onto the island.

 With you bent over the island and your ass poked out for him, Charlie rubbed his cock across your soaking folds sending shivers through you. He bent to your ear and kissed you.

 “I love you, only you. Endlessly for eternity.” It was the same thing he’d said the night of your wedding before he joined you for the first time as husband and wife. When you peeped behind you and locked eyes with him, you knew the two of you had an understanding. Charlie kissed your back then snapped his hips forward, harshly, and completely filling you to the hilt. You shouted and gripped the island. Your knees bucked from the sheer pleasure of just this. When you clenched around him, Charlie, have you just what you wanted—a rough tryst.

 Every slam into your core had you clenching around him. Each thrust was more bruising than the last, and each one brought tears to your eyes. They weren’t hurt tears; they were a mixture of relief and complete joy. You shouted his name over and over, not caring how needy or desperate you sounded. You could feel how on edge he was; his body shook every time he filled you, and every time you said his name, he shouted yours.

 When Charlie began jackhammering into you clearly lost in his pleasure, you left planet Earth. Only he could have you like this. Only he could fuck you into outer space. You knew he was close, and the second he whimpered behind you, you pressed back into him, throwing your ass back onto him. Charlie sucked in a breath, and his whimpers intensified. The slap to your ass was the last thing you needed to be pushed over the edge, an edge you dragged him over. Charlie grunted and groaned as he filled you with every ounce of his love.

 It took several long moments for the two of you to come down from your sultry sex bubble. After having you across the island, you rode him until his toes curled, and he saw stars on the kitchen floor leaned against the same island. By the time you’d both stopped, hours had passed. Neither of you were fully satiated. As Charlie hugged you to him still buried deep within you, he tipped your chin so you were looming at him.

 “Marry me again.” Shocked, you searched his face for his meaning.

 “You’re not serious.”

 “I am. Will you be my wife again?” the gleam of silver caught your eye, and you looked down to see him wearing your engagement and wedding ring on a chain around his neck. Your world shattered. He’d worn them this entire time. Locking eyes with him again, you knew he could tell you realized what he was wearing.

 “All this time?” Charlie held up his hand to show you the silver wedding band he still wore.

 “I promised forever; I wasn’t done with it.” Your tears fell, and so many emotions filled you; you had no idea which one to go with.

 “I have to do whatever it takes to stop my heart from being broken, Charlie,” you whispered.

 “I’ll never break your heart again. I know how it ends. I know what it means. I can’t risk my life without you or CJ anymore. I can’t.” His tears welled, and you believed him.

 “Surrender to me, love dove. Surrender to me as I can only surrender to you.” His voice was pleading with you. Closing your eyes, you listened to your soul, the place where no fear lived. When you looked at him, you trailed your thumb across his bottom lip.

 “Give them back.” Charlie looked confused for a few seconds before he got it. Quickly he yanked the chain from around his neck and slid the rings off to hover them over your finger before he locked eyes with you.

 “Never again will we be here. Never again will I lose us,” Charlie forcefully vowed.

 “Never again will I walk away,” you responded. He looked overwhelmingly emotional then, but you could see him holding as much of it back as possible. When he slid the rings onto your finger, both of you sighed as if you both felt instant relief.

 You knew this was a new beginning for the two of you but also for CJ. You knew that neither of you would ever again make the same mistakes.

 “I surrender,” you both whispered together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[ciggylungz]

Positive

Blurb night:

1.4k words

(request: imagine you’re married to harry & you’re pregnant and you meet up with the boys and tell them and it’s just all happy and so cute🥺) + request: what about some morning cuddles? or how they communicate to everyone that they’re having a baby? sorry im soft today i need some good fluffs)

(Sorry if you didn’t want them combined they were similar so I thought it might be repetitive if I did them independently)

 -----

Trying to conceive was always a nerve-wracking trial and error process for those participating in the journey, and Harry and Y/n are no exception to those bumps in the road to starting a family.

The couple had waited till their one-year wedding anniversary to start trying for a child, making sure the marriage was going smoothly and both of them were able to devote as much attention to the child if they were to successfully fall pregnant.

The pair decided to both get exams to make sure they were fertile and another to make sure Y/n was healthy enough to carry a pregnancy, both of their results came back perfect for the two of them so you can imagine the confusion and upset they experienced when months went by without a positive pregnancy test. Harry and Y/n have been doing a lot of condoling each other, cooking comfort foods for dinners and taking their vitamins religiously to give themselves some hope, carbs and cuddles to carry them through this journey of bringing a new person into the world.

You’d think trying was the most fun part of making a baby yet months of constant sex did a number on the two. They were losing their libido, tired and sometimes sore from the constant friction on their most sensitive areas but the duo refused to give up.

__

It was a typical Thursday morning, Harry sending off emails while cramming toast into his mouth and Y/n was brushing her teeth, feeling particularly out of it that day. She was tired and sluggish, a bit queasy and just off.

By now taking a pregnancy test was part of her morning routine. She even had a designated cup next to the toilet she used to collect her first morning wee in to dip the tests in, every morning she took one just to see. She was never very good at controlling her curiosity and when it comes to something this life changing, well she just can’t stop herself.

Y/n swears her eyes nearly popped out of her head as she saw the second line, bright and bold perfectly straight next to the control line. It took a few minutes for her brain to truly comprehend the evidence in front of her, there were two lines.

She was pregnant!

After the initial shock started to fade, excitement flooded through her. A shriek of her husbands name rolled through the house prompting him to jump to his feet and rush towards the noise.

“What?! Are you okay?! Are you hurt baby? What happen-“

“Harry I’m pregnant! Look ! it worked! We’re having a baby!” Y/n held the positive test in the hair, thrusting it towards his wide eyes seeing the man shift from panic to being elated.

“Oh my god! We’re having a baby! My dick works!” Harry wrapped his arms around his wife before hoisting her in the air, spinning the both of them around while they cheered and let out happy tears.

That night the pair celebrated with a nice dinner and excitedly calling y/n’s obgyn to set up her first prenatal visit. The pair decided they’d keep their secret till they were in the clear, the first couple weeks of pregnancy are the most high risk time for miscarriage so they didn’t want to get their hopes up and let everyone know till they were sure this baby was going to make it to term.

___

 Y/n was 18 weeks along when the couple decided they were going to announce the news to their friends and family. Harry was giddy, obsessed with his wife’s tummy that was now starting to get a little curve to the lower part of it. He kept ultrasound pictures in his wallet and spend every evening reading baby books and making a list of names for their growing baby.

The first people they decided to tell was of course their mothers and siblings, it was a great experience lots of hugs, happy tears and celebration sweets. Everyone was over the moon, the couple had full hearts and tummy’s when they left Anne’s home. The couple had never felt happier in their lives.

Of course when it came to telling the news to the boys, Harry decided to whip out one of his dad jokes he’d already been hoarding in his mind. His jokes were always terrible, lets face it, but the boys loved to take the piss out of him and found his jokes entertaining now.

So, Harry invited the group over directing Louis to open the oven for him which inside was a bun- yes Y/n had to refrain from cringing at the horrible dad joke but she let him has his fun- and Louis reacted first with a confused glance to Harry. “Mate, ya’ not the best chef but I thought you’d know that cookin’ one thing at a time is a bit wasteful of the gas innit?” the man plucked the bread off the rack, handing it to Harry who was rolling his eyes since the other man didn’t seem to get the implications.

“Lou, what was in the oven?” he decided to throw him a line, the other guys just watching the interaction confused and waiting for Harry to reveal what the hell he was on about. “A roll Harold” Harry then huffed, “No! it’s a bun!”, Niall was now laughing finding the situation at hand seeing Harry getting mad over the guys not having a clue what he was trying to imply.

When the bickering filled the kitchen between the boys Y/n decided to step in- “Alright! Harry I told you the joke was rubbish, guys ‘bun in the oven’- the reference and horrible execution was a reference to me since I’m pregnant.” – only then did it click in all their heads, a chorus of ‘ohhhh’ and then excited congratulations followed. Louis of course took the chance to pick on Harry who gave him the finger before excepting the celebratory hugs and pats on the back, the boys giving Y/n a good cuddle too congratulating her on the pregnancy and telling her how excited they were to be uncles. A few making jokes to Harry about ‘getting it in’ and all that boyish banter.

The pair couldn’t be more thrilled at all the excitement that surrounded the arrival of their first born, Y/n was also happy she wouldn’t have to wear baggy clothes around them anymore either. Sweaters in august was a bit uncomfortable for a pregnant woman with hot flashes.

____

When the 20 week mark came, the couple decided to keep the gender a surprise till birth when offered the anatomy scan. They really didn’t have a preference as long as their bundle of joy was healthy, they were happy.

They had spent the last few weeks painting the nursery a pale yellow, making an accent wall with a neutral colored floral wallpaper, lots of vines and plants on it in a grey and white color theme. The room was fit for whatever gender their baby turned out to be, and it was now being filled with a crib Harry had put together- which he nearly had a breakdown over how many fucking screws and parts it had- and a nice changing table stocked with diapers, wipes and all the baby essentials.  

The little ones closet was organized by size, all hung neatly on hangers and in organized bins as well. A nice rocking chair with a little nursing station was in one of the corners, stocked with burp cloths and a nursing pillow as well as a few jars of nipple balm since breastfeeding can caused chapped skin on the breasts. They had a little dish with pacifiers sitting on the small table next to the chair, picture books and a few nice soft blankets folded on the small shelf below the drawers.

Everything was slowly but surely coming together, and now they couldn’t wait to welcome their baby into the world.

(Tbh idk if I like this one, but I tried my best.)