moncheriejav

[paeinovis]

YouTube trying to be TikTok is soooo annoying

[ericspinkhair]

quarantine longings

pairing: best friend!kevin x fem!reader

word count: 3.2k

synopsis: you and your best friend have sex because quarantine made you horny

warnings: best friends to lovers, takes place during the pandemic, spoiler of 356 days (but not the end, just generally the plot), no use of condoms but only the pill, creampie, sexual fantasies, fingering, hand-job, sex, slight angst at the end if you squint

a/n: I would literally die for kevin, I love him so much. I'll be writing a multiple parts series about him after I'm done writing scenarios for every member first.

requests are open!

masterlist + requests

you slammed your foot hard against the wall and cursed in pain. you hopped on one foot to your bed, holding your other leg in agony and tasted blood as you bit your lip to keep the volume of your suffering groans in check. someone knocked on the door.

'are you okay?' your roommate asked concerned.

'no, leave me alone, kevin,' you croaked out. you wanted to suffer by yourself.

there was an awkward silence and then you heard him sigh. soon after, the door next to your room closed shut.

why were you so frustrated, one might ask? well, the pandemic was kicking your butt and you just couldn't take it anymore. when the news of the virus had first spread, no one thought it would become this serious. but suddenly everyone was walking around with masks and spent most of their time staying at home.

after graduating high school, you and kevin had decided to move in together for college because both of you were broke and couldn't afford to live alone. you had been best friends since middle school and had been convinced that it was a smart idea at the time.

and everything went smoothly for the first one and a half years. however, after not seeing anyone else since the start of the pandemic over a year ago, it became increasingly difficult to share an apartment, but not in the way one might assume. you were neither sick of each other nor did you fight a lot. to tell the truth, it was quite the opposite.

earlier, before you had kicked the wall in anger, the two of you had painted together. kevin was majoring in art and, since you didn't have anything better to do, you joined him while he did projects for his classes. you might have been majoring in journalism but you had always liked drawing and painting, even though you weren't particularly skilled. you were a naturally clumsy person, always tripping over air and dropping things. today you were hecticly moving around your hands while telling him about a stupid video you had seen and you accidently let go of the brush in your hand. it hit the side of kevin's face, leaving a wide splodge of red paint on his right cheek.

to get back at you, he jerked his paint brush and splattered some green color on your white shirt. you saw this as a challenge and soon both of you were both drenched in the colors of the rainbow, laughing hysterically on the floor, not caring that you were spreading the paint on the poor carpet.

you turned your heads to look at each other and you felt absolutely in peace. you loved this man and couldn't be more glad that it was him and not anyone else you were stuck with inside of this apartment.

he stood up to take off his stained shirt and your smile quickly faded off your face. your lips slightly parted and you couldn't help but stare at his now exposed biceps and abs.

your mouth watered and you felt heat pooling between your legs as you took your time to study his architecture. thoughts about how badly you wanted him to thrust into you while his strong arms held you up invaded your mind. you tried to shake them off but it was impossible.

occasions like this were slowly becoming a common occurrence for you.

having mostly stayed inside for over a year, also meant that you didn't have sex for that long. it's not like you were the horniest person on the planet but you still had needs that were being neglected. with kevin being home all the time you didn't even dare to masturbate, scared that he would be able to hear you through the frustratingly thin walls. you must have gone insane with all the lust building up inside you and that's why you suddenly craved to have sex with your best friend. this whole thing was destroying everything. it was hard to act normal when he was making you this nervous and heated but you tried to pretend that everything was fine anyway for the sake of your friendship.

that was the reason why you were angry and had hurt yourself. you hated the way you felt about your best friend and you hated the pandemic for not giving you an outlet to escape so you could recollect yourself.

what you weren't aware of was that kevin was no stranger to the exact same frustration.

he would need more than his ten fingers and ten toes to be able to count the amount of times he had to run to the bathroom to hide his boner because he had done so much as look at you bend over or stretch. he didn't want to make you uncomfortable but it was a challenge to try and calm down his hormones.

whenever he jacked off, images of you flashed through his mind; your sweet curves and pink lips drove him insane.

last week, you two were cooking together and you had asked him to get the salt. he stood behind you to reach for it on the highest shelf. he was forced to press his crotch against your butt cheeks and his dick hardened against his will. he quickly handed you the salt, excused himself and ran off before you could figure out what had happened.

he might not have known the cause of your sudden outburst but he sympathized with your fury because he had a lot of pent up anger towards covid as well.

he lay in his bed and tried to focus on the book he was reading but he couldn't tune out the groans coming from the room next to his. he cursed.

'stop it!' he was panicking as he saw a familiar tent forming in his pants. your sounds triggered some weird perverted part of his brain that sent signals right to his genitals. his dick was hardening and he saw no other solution to his problem than to give in to his subconscious desires.

he pulled down his pants just far enough so that his cock had enough room to spring out. it only needed a few strokes before it stood tall and angry. kevin pressed his head into his pillow and moved his hand fast. he wanted to get over with it quickly. he emptied his cum on his stomach while imagining your greedy little mouth being stuffed by his cock. he lay there panting as yet another round of shame flushed over him.

'get yourself together,' he whispered, mentally slapping himself.

***

'do you want to order japanese or italian?' you asked kevin. today was friday which meant it was time for your weekly tradition of ordering take out and watching a movie.

'definitely italian. we've already had japanese for the past four days. I need something else for a change,' kevin complained and shuddered at the thought of having to eat sushi again. the japanese restaurant prepared absolutely delicious food but he just couldn't stand it anymore.

you laughed at his pained facial expression. 'fine, italian it is.'

within twenty minutes the doorbell rang and after about half a minute kevin came back with two huge boxes.

he opened them on the small table situated in front of your couch and the smell of freshly cooked pasta seasoned with basil made your stomach growl.

kevin wanted to dig in already but you stopped him. you had to choose a movie first.

'let's watch tall girl. I saw everyone hate on it on tiktok,' you suggested.

'I think we should watch 365 days, that was all over my for you page as well,' kevin argued. you hadn't heard of it so you weren't sure whether it would be the right movie for you. the rule was that it had to be as bad as possible.

'according to what I have heard, it's apparently even worse than 50 shades of grey,' kevin added which piqued your interest. the both of you had watched 50 shades about two months ago and you were honestly shocked by how awful it actually was. you couldn't understand why everyone had been so obsessed with it when it was first released. if 356 days was really worse, then you'd hit the jackpot. you clapped your hands.

'fine, you win. I swear if the movie isn't as horrible as you say it is then you owe me something!' he intertwined his pinky with yours to promise.

watching horrible movies was way better than watching good ones. making fun of bad storylines, stupid characters or horrible editing was one of your favorite past times.

'I guess I'll have to add are you lost, baby girl to the top 10 worst lines ever spoken. who thought ah yes this is sexy, let's have him repeat it over and over again', you complained, shoving some pasta into your mouth.

'so he's like I won't do anything without your permission while he is literally groping her boobs against her will, like make it make sense, massimo', added kevin, ruffling his hair in frustration. he almost completely forgot about the food.

'so let me get this straight: he drugged her, kidnapped her, tied her up, hung up a painting of her just because he saw her face when his dad was shot?'

'totally relatable.' both of you giggled.

you were enjoying complaining about the plot. it was horrible.

there were plenty of erotic scenes but they were honestly so funny and kinda gross that you could bare it without really being affected by them. kevin, on the other hand, had placed a pillow over his hard-on to hide the embarrassing fact that these terrible, smutty scenes had turned him on.

and then the infamous boat scene came.

massimo and laura had a huge fight, she fell of the boat, he saved her and now she was suddenly so in love with him that she begs him to fuck her. which he does.

you felt your panties become increasingly wet as the couple had steaming hot sex.

'this is embarrassing but I'm so horny,' you admitted but in a way that should have suggested that you meant it as a joke. something about this statement stirred something in kevin.

'well, what can I say?' he replied and lifted the pillow. your pupils widened at the sight of your best friend's bulge.

his eyes darkened and he looked at you with lust clearly written on his face. you reciprocated his stare with the same intensity. you tried to focus on his dark brown orbs instead of his boner but the image you had just seen was present in your mind.

his gaze shifted to your lips and, before you knew it, kevin climbed above you and pressed your back flat onto the couch.

your lips locked and you immediately buried your hands in his hair to pull him closer. you moved in sync, his lips fitting perfectly onto yours. you bucked your hips up against his crotch and earned a moan from kevin. he opened his eyes in shock as realization hit him. he quickly pulled away and jumped off the coach.

'I'm so sorry, y/n. I shouldn't have just done that. I don't know what came over me,' he apologized profusely, staring at his feet. did he really think that you didn't want this?

'give me your hand,' you told him and held out your hand.

'why?' he raised his eyebrows in confusion. you rolled your eyes.

'just do it.'

you took his hand and led it to your crotch.

'what are you- oh my god.' your juices had completely soaked through your panties and your sweatpants. 'you are so wet.'

'for you,' you added. 'there's no need to apologize. I'm literally begging you to continue.'

you didn't have to say that twice before he pulled you closer to him by your hips and engaged you in another desperate kiss. his hands were groping your butt while you let yours slide under his hoodie. you felt his naked skin and toned abs, as you rubbed his stomach. you lowered your hands and bravely palmed his boner through his clothes.

'y/n,' he hissed out against your lips. you hooked your thumbs in the elastic of his pants and underwear, and pushed the material down to his thighs. he struggled to get them off.

you stroked his hard dick as he slipped his hand into your panties to massage your pussy at the same time.

he slipped one finger inside and began working it in and out. you finally were getting the relief you had been desperately craving for for so long. kevin was skilled and your walls were trying to swallow his slim finger. you were quickly coming close to your orgasm after having abstained for more than a year. you pulled his hand out.

'I bet you can make me come even better with your dick,' you challenged kevin.

'you bet I will.' he was confident.

'let me just look for a condom.' he was already turning away to go search in his room but you held him back by the arm.

'forget about it. I'm on the pill and I want you raw. I want you to come inside me and not spill into a stupid condom.'

the idea of this sounded very tempting to kevin. he picked you up and threw you back onto the couch, drawing your hips closer to him so he could pull off all the pieces of clothing that were hindering him from accessing your pussy.

he propped up his arms next to your sides and spread your thighs apart. strings of arousal were hanging from your folds and he saw your hole desperately clench around nothing. his dick hurt from how much he wanted to finally be inside of you. he wanted to find out how close he had been able to imagine how you would feel around him.

your hole took him in easily, welcoming him happily by embracing it tightly. kevin swore he could've cum right here and there.

he went slow at first to give you a chance to adjust but you were already fully ready, rocking your hips forward to meet his thrusts.

he crashed your mouths together and you kissed him like he was oxygen and you were short of air. you smiled and your eyes rolled back, satisfied with how things had played out today and the prospects of coming looked fairly promising.

desperate for release, kevin picked up the pace, his eyes closed while fucking into you like a horny animal. he couldn't help himself and all the 'faster's and 'harder's spilling from your mouth only encouraged him to drive himself deeper into you.

you wrapped your legs around his torso in an attempt to regain the control you were losing.

'fuck fuck fuck,' you cursed, feeling your muscles starting to contract. kevin brushed away some hair that was stuck to your sweaty forehead.

'it's fine, I'm coming too,' he announced and it took only a few more thrusts before a body shaking orgasm flushed over you, making you see only white. this drove kevin over the edge too and he spilled inside you, filling you up with his hot cum. he continued to slowly ease his dick in and out of you, fucking his semen right back into you until you had ridden out both of your orgasms. he let himself fall onto the couch right next to you, panting hard.

'I very much needed this,' you sighed in content.

'same, I wasn't sure whether I could hold out any longer without having a proper orgasm.' he watched his cum drip out of you.

'we should've thought of this sooner,' you said. 'this was a great idea.'

kevin hummed in agreement.

***

so now you and kevin were having sex on a regular basis, your high score being five times in a day. it felt good to finally live out your sexuality and not having to restrict yourself. sure, you guys did it more than necessary but it was a great way to pass time and it felt fucking amazing.

today you had done it in the shower after waking up, then on the kitchen counter and you had just finished having sex in his bed.

he was spooning you from behind, his cock still placed inside of you. he nuzzled his nose into your neck.

'stop, that tickles,' you chuckled.

'sorry.'

after a while of comfortable silence you heard him let out a big sigh.

'what's wrong?' you asked as he pulled out of you. you turned around to be able to look at him.

'I don't think I can do it like this anymore,' he confessed.

'what do you mean?' you asked. 'are you talking about us having sex?'

he nodded. your heart dropped and you started feeling dizzy. you tried to search for answers in his eyes but he avoided looking at you.

'w-why?' you stuttered, trying to hold back the tears that were welling up in your eyes.

'it was amazing at first,' he started and finally raised his head to meet your gaze, 'and I went into it without much thought. I went crazy during quarantine and began fantasizing about having sex with you. then it became reality but now I understand that was probably wrong of me. I've always thought of myself as a gentleman, yet I slept with you without much thought. you see, my issue is this…'

suspense hung in the air and you were impatiently waiting for him to get to the point.

'I like you.'

you quietly gasped in surprise. you had been expecting him to say you were bad at sex and that he regretted everything but not this.

'I shouldn't be sleeping with you unless you were my girlfriend,' he finished off his ramble. you felt immensely relieved.

'do you want me to?' you asked him.

'want you to what?' kevin was confused. he had been a hundred percent sure you'd immediately jump out of the bed in disgust when he confessed.

'be your girlfriend. after all, I like you too, you moron.' you realized that you had known this for a while. you might have even been crushing on your best friend since way before the pandemic struck but it was kind of hard to track your feelings. still, you were sure you liked him too. now that he had admitted his feelings, you were able to admit yours not only to him but to yourself as well.

'wow, I didn't expect this,' kevin confessed surprised. you laughed.

'yeah, we should've realized this sooner.' he pulled you closer and kissed you. it was different than the other times. his lips moved softly against yours, in contrast to all of your rough and passionate kisses you had exchanged these past few weeks. he conveyed his emotions through the kiss.

'you're ready again?' you groaned as you felt kevin's dick harden against your upper thigh. he chuckled.

'sorry, you just turn me on so much.'

so then you did it for the fourth time. that day, you set a new record of having sex six times. you might have been happy now but still just as horny.

[adonis-koo]

tease

| 6 |

↳ Summary: You came with the intentions of your best friend landing a job as a stripper. You never meant to catch the eyes of the king stripper of the establishment- Jeon Jungkook, yourself. With what was supposed to be a harmless way of paying off college debt faster you find yourself falling into a very odd and passionate relationship with your new mentor. Between infidelity, passion and jealousy there’s never a dull moment at Cherry Bomb.

↳ Pairing: Stripper!Jungkook/Reader

↳ Genre: Smut, fluff, angst, drama, slice of life, relationship problems without the relationship, reader is such a shy baby protect her, MUTUAL pining, so much sexual frustration,  

Word count: 13.8k

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// Playlist //

Song mood

Tags: Heavy petting, excessive foreplay, Jungkook reveals his daddy kink, nobody is surprised, mild sub/dom play, dirty talk, light spanking,

Warning: This story touches on both sexual harassment and abuse, please read with caution if any of these things are triggers to you. Additional warnings will be given when a chapter presents them.

TW: Sexual harassment and attempted rape are mentioned and referenced in this chapter please read with caution if these are triggers for you <3

Sitting awake in your bed, with a tightly clasped phone and an angry expression, this was not how you wanted to start your day. What was his problem? You didn’t mean to offend him- but it didn’t seem like the Jungkook you knew would’ve took it like a personal attack, why was he acting like such a jerk?

Squeezing your phone you groaned roughly rubbing your eyes, well aware of the dark circles plaguing them from your all nighter, you were already tired you really didn’t need this added on top of your building list of stressful things. With in the short span of Jungkook you had never caught him in a bad mood before and this had thrown you for a loop more than you wanted to admit, briefly you thought about just missing practice altogether for some much needed sleep but you remembered the show you had tonight.

Flopping down you groaned louder as you shoved your pillow into your head, you’d have to practice for tonight in order to not spazz out meaning you’d definitely have to go, finally after coming to terms with the fact you pulled yourself out of bed before showering and getting ready.

You couldn’t get the conversation you shared with Jungkook out of your head though the entire walk to work, what had you done to warrant such a reaction from him?

You cycled through your memories before stopping at the spat he had with Hanjae, he did seem extremely broody when you left him behind, but he was fine with you at work...No- he wasn’t actually- if you were correct in remembering his brief glare on you. But he up until that point understood your weariness and respected that it was your choice.

He wouldn’t change his mind on it, right? All of your thoughts and brainstorming lead to nothing but dead ends and by the time you got to Cherry Bomb your eyes were tired and your brain near dead from too many thoughts between finishing your thesis, the lack of sleep and now having to figure out why Jungkook had been so harsh with you.

You didn’t want to say his comment on you acting like a kid hurt, but it did. It was something you were already insecure about due to other people, and he probably didn’t even know that, but still. It hurt. You swallowed your sensitivity as you pushed the doors to Cherry Bomb open, remembering your silent vow to thicken your skin.

You didn’t think you’d ever have to start by ignoring Jungkook’s hurtful comment, but here you were pushing it to the back of your mind.

The sting was still evident though, surely he knew how much his opinion of you affected you, you could feel your hands beginning to quiver only to tighten them against the strap of your bag, it was too early in the morning and you were too tired for so many emotions overrunning your whole body.

You were anything but a soda drinker, but at the moment your body needed the caffeine to stave from crashing to the ground in exhaustion forcing you to swallow the bubbly liquid like it was your life line. Taehyung had bedhead and a pretty brunette sat on the stool beside you as he began stocking up alcohol behind the counter, his gaze staying on you briefly before he frowned, “You look tired Y/n.”

“I am,” You groaned, collapsing your upper body on the counter as you sighed, “I had to stay up to finish a thesis for one of my classes today, I feel like total garbage and to boot Jungkook’s been such an ass this morning.”

You could hear Taehyung snort a laugh despite his apologetic tone, “Sorry- That sounds awful, but what’s up with Jungkook? He looked really broody this morning when he came in.” He seemed a little curious as he continued putting bottles up onto the high shelf.

“I don’t know,” You sighed, resting your head against your arms as you traced patterns against the cold granite countertop leaving a brisk nip against your open skin, “It’s honestly stupid- I tried to apologize but he brushed me off…”

The brunette frowned sympathetically at you and given how smiley she had been around Taehyung, you could easily take a guess in assuming this was his love Yeri who gave you a gentle smile, “You’re Y/n right? His trainee? He’s always been a hot and cold guy so it can come in phases...he was the same way about me for a long time,” She shifted a little in discomfort at her own words before she hummed, “But he’ll come around, he always does- I’m Yeri by the way.” She let out a small sheepish laugh as if realizing she didn’t introduce herself.

“Oh I figured as much,” You returned her smile, looking a little more tired and less bright in the eyes as her before your expression slowly melted into a frown, “I hope so, I know we haven’t known each other long but I’ve never seen him like this before, it just feels so out of character.” Yeri gently rubbed your back as soothingly as she could as she frowned delicately, pity in her eyes at your exhausted figure, you must’ve looked liked a kicked puppy, you honestly felt like one too…

“No Yeri’s right, he goes through phases and tends to isolate himself at times. I’ll warn you Y/n,” Taehyung frowned as he picked up the bottle of gin, “Jungkook bites as hard as he loves, don’t push him to talk too much or else he’s gonna push back. Just give him some time, everything will be okay.” He gave you a sweet boxy smile in encouragement as you sighed, nodding at his words before hearing Jimin call all of the fillers to start up on the days practice. Getting up from your spot you dragged your dead body to the back of the room as usual.

Today had been particularly miserable, Chan Hee wouldn’t stop passing snide comments your way and your water bottle seemed to magically be replaced with pure vodka, as if things weren’t hard enough you had also received three texts from Hanjae demanding to see you soon to talk. Everyone seemed unable to leave you alone- except for the one person you had been hoping to talk too. Time had passed too fast and it was already 9:45- well past the time Jungkook usually picked you up from the main room.

Should you go back on your own? You still didn’t feel one hundred percent comfortable walking back on your own unless Jungkook specifically stated you needed too and he hadn’t even greeted you this morning like he usually did before he went back to practice on his own. Should you send him a text? Worry was beginning to gnaw in your stomach and you couldn’t keep yourself from fidgeting, you didn’t like being on bad terms with Jungkook, it left you feeling both empty and anxious at the same time with a bitter twinge of the last memory you spoke.

You were never one to hold a grudge for long- if at all. He could call you childish all he wanted- you were used to it by now anyways, you just wished he’d tell you what the problem was, what had you explicitly said that set him off? But in the end, if he wasn’t even going to accept your apology, you supposed it was useless. You glanced at the hallway again, feeling a twist of hurt bubbling in your stomach as you glanced back at your phone, one text wouldn’t hurt, right?

You could barely seen your screen as droplets of tears pattered against your phone, you told yourself you weren’t going to cry! But you couldn’t stop the sniffle from escaping you at how cold his words were. What could you have done to make him like this? You didn’t deserve this kind of treatment furthermore no matter what you did. Why couldn’t he just talk to you?

“Guess we know who finally dropped the little baby,” Chan Hee stood in front of you, her voice going higher in a mocking baby tone as she snorted a laugh, “What did you expect? Someone like Jungkook would never waste his time on a girl like you. Might as well start packing up now.” You opened your mouth but all your lips did was quiver as more tears dripped down your face causing her to laugh again. You must’ve looked pathetic.

Chan Hee’s words were just salt on an already open wound, maybe she was right, he clearly wasn’t about to waste his time on a single word you had too say, his curt, cold message was clear of that.

Rubbing your eyes you intended to ignore her until the familiar Nike shoes of Seulgi came into view, “Fuck off you dirty fiend, don’t you have another girls life force to feed off of?” She instantly wrapped her arm around you defensively as she gritted her teeth.

Chan Hee only rose her brows before laughing, “Keep your bitch on it’s leesh L/n.” She said nothing more before whipping around and sauntering away. Seulgi looked ready to pummel her into next week but stopped at your sniffling before her expression crumbled.

“Is it Jungkook?” She asked frowning, three words and another sob broke from your lips and your vision of your blurred again as you closed your eyes defeatedly while nodding, “Awwh don’t cry Y/n, I’m sure he’s just having a bad day, have you tried texting him?”

You nodded trying to muffle your sobs as you noticed people beginning to glance your way, the last place you wanted to cry your eyes out was in the main room of Cherry Bomb in front of dozens of fillers, “He said we’d talk later,” You tried to calm your breathing by inhaling slowly, forcing the bubbling of your cries down your throat before swallowing thickly, “I can’t force him to talk Seulgi, I think...I think I’m just gonna head home, I need to get some rest before class today.” You wiped your eyes as she sent you a look of pity while frowning.

Giving your shoulder a squeeze she nodded, “Get some rest babe you need it after today, see you tonight?” She asked a little hesitant, as if unsure if she’d see for work. And as much as you wanted to just take the whole day off, life went on and you were being dragged along for the ride, you really needed the money tonight and you’d be not only depressed, but also broke if you decided to stay in, “Yeah, I’ll see you tonight.” You nodded before giving her one last look and heading out the door.

Could today get any worse?

“Now just step forward, it’s important you keep your weight on your standing foot so when you go to turn your working leg in it’s a lot sharper and gives a more clean look,” You demonstrated, turning your left leg towards you before turning it out once more. Both Namjoon and Seokjin looked utterly adorable as they studied your position, as if taking mental notes before trying it themselves.

Relaxing from your position you nodded as you watched them give it a couple of tries before smiling, “See! It’s not that difficult, it just takes practice to get the movement, can we play it with the music so I can watch?” You laughed at both of their grimaces before Seokjin groaned and nodded. Taking a seat by the mirror you pulled out your phone before turning on the music, watching them work on the combination again, Namjoon had gotten off count and Seokjin was still struggling with his foot placing but you couldn’t help but beam with pride, they were such quick learners and hard workers! If they kept up the good work they’d be great in no time at all.

They were near out of breath by the time they finished the combination but you were already up on your feet excitedly clapping your hands as you grinned wide, “Awesome job guys! I know it feels like you aren’t doing well but you really are! Results just take time to see, like anything else.”

“I don’t know how you have the energy to do this every day on top of work and practice.” Namjoon admitted as he took a drink from his water bottle, wiping the sweat from his brow as you gave a small laugh, tugging on the strands of your ponytail as you shrugged. It was taxing but after so long your body had eventually got used to the demanding hours dance took.

Adding stripping into the mix and extra practice for that threw your body for a loop, not used to giving even more energy and admittedly your feet had been tired and sore from being on the go for so long especially with the heels you wore for work.

“You get used to it after so long,” You offered a small smile before shrugging, “Trying to get used to work is the more difficult part for me, but I’m surviving…” Your smile melted at the thought of Jungkook before sighing, you still hadn’t heard from him the rest of the day and currently you had just finished up your own practice with Namjoon and Seokjin, who had came by after your own rehearsal and planned on heading to work from the studio together.

Both Seokjin and Namjoon exchanged glances before giving you sympathetic looks of their own before Namjoon spoke up, “Don’t take it to heart Y/n, Jungkook is just going through the motions right now, I tried telling him to not give you the cold shoulder but he brushed me off this morning, he can be a stubborn ass when he wants to be.”

You tried to keep your lips from not quivering but the idea was upsetting, so he really was giving you the cold shoulder? You didn’t want to say you were desperate for an answer but you didn’t like being on bad terms with anyone, let alone Jungkook, “What did I do Nam? Why is he so upset?” Your eyes were glossy and pleading as you fiddled with your fingers, letting your gaze drop to the floor as you swallowed back the sob that wanted to filter through your lips.

Namjoon sighed before he ran a hand through his hair, giving you a sad apologetic smile, “It’s really not for me to tell, and even if I wanted too he hasn’t really told anyone what’s going on. He’s just been brooding the whole day, Rosé tried to talk to him but…” He cringed before sighing.

It was Seokjin who spoke up next, his expression a little more irritated as he crossed his arms, “That kid really needs to get it under control, one of these days he’s gonna lose the few people he has left if he keeps acting like this,” He looked a little ruffled but then you remembered Rosé was his trainee once upon a time, a natural protectiveness for the girl was obviously still there even after so long, “Seriously Y/n, Jungkook has a good heart but he has a temper and emotional maturity of a five year old, it’s not an excuse for his behavior but he’ll get over it, he usually does.”

You felt a little better, but you still couldn’t help but be worried. If there was anything you could do to rectify wherever things went wrong with Jungkook you’d do it in a heartbeat. You just wished he’d give you a chance. Seokjin sighed before wrapping an arm around your shoulders, “Come on, we better get to work, I know you’re on stage tonight, right?”

“Well yeah…” You shrugged before frowning as you all exited the studio, Namjoon had been kind enough to pick you up from your apartment and had said he’d be more than happy to drive everyone to work, it was the least he could do considering you were helping them free of charge.

You’d never accept their money though even if they tried, you were all broke in college and even as soloist you had become aware that they were still very particular on how they chose to spend their money. Arriving to Cherry Bomb it was already in full swing, your shift was short today and you weren’t about to complain, you just had a few dances on stage before being able to go home. Your wallet would be crying at the lack of hours but atleast you’d get home a little earlier than normal.

Sitting down at your vanity in the filler room the chatter bounced off the walls and you could feel a few girls passing you stares while talking, you wouldn’t be surprised if you and Jungkook were the topic of Cherry Bomb right now, especially given your embarrassing breakdown earlier that morning. God why did you have to be like this? Pressing the fake lashes on you stood up to start getting changed, you were beginning to get used to the risque lingerie.

The black lace thong that rode up your ass wasn’t as uncomfortable anymore granted you had finally broke down and started wearing thongs more regularly in your day to day attire to try and become more used to the feeling, the tight pushup bra you put on however was still a foreign feeling when all you wore was the opposite every day.

The room had suddenly became a lot more hushed when the door opened, making you furrow your brows as you pulled the skirt up to your waist, turning to look only for your eyes to meet the burning pair that focused only on you.

Jungkook had been talking to Namjoon as his eyes flickered over you, whatever tension he had in his shoulders relaxing but his expression only hardened further before he turned to continue his conversation as if you didn’t exist.

“Yikes.” One of the girls next to your own vanity whispered to her friend before they before sniggered at your expression, forcing your eyes back on your vanity as you swallowed thickly. Refusing to acknowledge the pang of hurt in your chest at his treatment of you as you continued getting dressed.

You’d be on stage in less than ten minutes, your emotions and tears would just have to wait.

Pulling your hair up you took one last deep breath before heading out the door with the rest of your group.

You were on the far left of the stage today and somehow, it made things a bit easier and you didn’t feel as pressured to perform. Stripping- was still a scary thing to do but as soon as you shed your clothes you hadn’t even noticed the dollar bills flying your way, it looked roughly the same as your last dance worth, but hey, twenty could get you not only coffee but a lunch to go with it. You weren’t about to complain.

You could tell your performance wasn’t as sharp today though, the back of your mind was still clouded with Jungkook, who was somewhere out in the crowd sitting with a group of women no doubt keeping them entertained. Scanning through the crowd you finally spotted the two figures you had been hoping would keep their word. The two men from yesterday, the one who had been relentlessly flirting with you had his eyes locked on your figure while his friend- Alex was it? Had been sunk in his seat while glancing towards the floor, his friend occasionally knocking his shoulder as if trying to get him out of his head.

You could tell when someone wasn’t interested in strippers and he definitely was one of them. Stepping off the stage you could feel a plenty of gazes on your near naked figure, you were determined to make an extra tip tonight and at least his friend was up for a lapdance. Hopefully this would go well. You sauntered over to their table instantly perking the flirts attention, you gave them a teasing smile as you waved, tracing the edge of his chair as you circled it, “Thanks for coming, I always love the audience.”

“I’m flattered but my friend could really use a pick-me-up.” He winked at you before jerking his head to his friend, who shifted in his seat, his cheeks a little flushed under the lights and you could instantly tell he wasn’t comfortable with the idea.

Smile you stepped in front of him again as you replied, “I don’t dance for anyone who isn’t comfortable with it.” You explained gently as you began to circle your hips, dropping slowly down into a slut drop to get at eye level with the flirt, “At least let me treat you.” You allowed your hands to stroke up his thighs, his gaze cast over to his friend briefly before laughing.

“Alright you’ve won me over.” Smiling you stood up before placing yourself down into his lap, it was ironic how okay you felt, or maybe it was the mutual consent? You weren’t sure, you hadn’t practiced on lapdancing a whole lot, but there wasn’t a lot too it, right? You assumed you must’ve been doing something right by the way his hands were clenching at his sides, trying to keep from touching you as your hips got to work.

Your cheeks were beginning to get a little hot, especially when you felt the stiff boner in his pants but you didn’t relent. The only thing, that caused you to falter for a split second was when your eyes found your mentor.

He sat a few tables away and even though he was in direct view of you- he had to have seen you. He still refused to look at you, instead he chose to direct his attention on the four women he had been seated with, even going as far as grabbing the hand of the girl he sat by, nipping at her palm before kissing it with a playful wink.

You weren’t hurt at all! You didn’t care! Who said you cared because you definitely didn’t!

You swallow thickly instantly looking away and ignoring the drop in your stomach and the pang that waved through your chest, this was fine! You weren’t together and he had every right to do whatever he wanted with any girl! It wouldn’t be fair of you to act like you were together when you were in fact, separated from your own boyfriend and he was single.

You had just thought maybe…

Pressing your forearms against the man's shoulders you finished your lap dance before the music had come to an end. You felt the band of your panties lifted and the bill set between your skin and the material as you quickly got up, forcing a smile and pushing the gloss in your eyes back, “Thanks for coming gents!”

“Wait,” The flirt instantly stopped you before giving a quick cough, as if not wanting to become too eager, “At least let us buy you a drink?” He offered, looking a little more timid than before as if hoping you wouldn’t reject him.

Giving a small smile you ran a hand through your hair before nodding, “Of course! This was my last dance of the night, let’s head up to the bar.” The flirt had introduced himself as Minjun and apparently his friend Alex- had been a transfer student from America currently attending the university. Of course you had to compliment his fluid Korean, you had assumed he was a foreigner by his name but still, it was impressive when he told you he knew several languages and picked up Korean in only a few years.

Taehyung was practically rooting for you behind the bar, sending you embarrassing thumbs up everytime they both looked away making you scowl at him while Yoongi fixed your drinks.

“So what brings you both to Cherry Bomb? I know most of the times the reason is pretty obvious but…” You clacked your lips before you offered them a smile, “Reasons seemed a bit different today.”

You didn’t want to pry but you couldn’t help but notice the air between the both of them seemed different today, when they interacted with each other compared to the night before.

It was ironic, but people often poured their problems out to you when you sat down and talked to them, it was odd how easy it was to open up to a stripper only there for a paycheck.

Minjun sighed as he shifted in his seat, you instantly noticed Alex glance back towards his drink before slumping again, “He’s been having some girl problems recently, I figured I’d take him here to try and get his mind off of things but...he’s not much of a club guy if you couldn’t tell.” He laughed a little, somewhat affectionately as if he were his little brother. They were obviously very close.

“Well it takes one to know one,” You replied gently before giving a soft laugh of your own, offering a small smile to Alex as if understanding his pain, “Like I said before, I’m actually not into clubs, especially now considering I work at one.” Your smile turned a little more shy as you traced the rim of your glass, noticing Minjun’s frown at his phone before he sighed, his brows pressed together in mild worry before giving you an apologetic smile.

“I’m sorry but I’m going to have to go, my little sister is having her own relationship problems.” You laughed at his wording before nodding, telling him it was more than okay before he paid the tab and made his way to the exit of the club, leaving you and Alex sitting alone.

Giving a sigh your expression turned more soft at the poor guy as you frowned, “I’m sorry about last night, I know what it feels like- trust me. Anyways, that was my last dance of the night so I’m gonna head off.” You got up from your seat intending to make your way to the staff area before Alex suddenly perked up.

“W-wait!” He fumbled out almost a little desperate, as if your previous words stirred something inside him, turning around you raised your brows at his abrupt call, his cheeks flushed again as if realizing it himself but he continued to fumble, “C-can I buy you for the night?” Your lips parted at his words before he realized just what that sounded like, “Not..not like that I mean…” He ran a hand through his hair before muttering something in english, “Uh- I just need an outside opinion on the situation and I know strippers are never free and being a therapist really isn’t your job but…” He trailed off at the sound of your laugh.

Smiling brightly you couldn’t help but let your expression soften again as you nodded, “Of course, tell you what. There’s an amazing takeout japanese place close to here that runs 24/7, let me go get changed and we can get something to eat there and talk, sound good?” He nodded rapidly, giving a relieved smile as he relaxed a little, letting you go to get changed as he waited by the bar.

Pulling on the sports bra and loose tank top you hadn’t packed anything except sweatpants and given it was almost three in the morning you were sure Alex wouldn’t mind the informality, that and he had seen you almost completely naked, that probably helped in its own way. You grabbed your bag before making your way back out to the bar where Alex stood, money in hand as he gave it to you.

“Alright, let’s go.” You grabbed his forearm with an encouraging smile as you led him out of Cherry Bomb, the air was nice and cool against your skin, making you realize the club had been stifled and hot even against your open skin that had been on display most of the night.

The walk was short and you had gotten used to nightlife in Seoul after going for fast food after work so many nights, you were often starving and strippers weren’t allowed to eat on the job, mixing that with a couple of drinks, an empty stomach was never a good way to go to bed.

Sitting down in the booth you opened up your takeout box, pulling your hair up into a messy bun as you gave him a smile, “So, is this about the birthday girl?”

Alex blinked a few times before quickly letting his gaze drop to his own food, playing with his chopsticks before he murmured, “You mean Jiwoo?” He pressed his tongue into his cheek before sighing, running a hand through his hair before he admitted, “I’ve liked her for over two years…? It started out as just a crush and I didn’t really think much of it but...things have gotten weird between us I guess.” He picked at his food, his face dejected at the memory which made your heart ache for him, the poor guy looked completely crushed, and after last night's display it was no wonder.

Curling your knees into your chest you leaned against the window as you hummed, “What do you mean? How did things go from fine to weird?” You know you didn’t know him personally, but you’d never turn away someone who needed your help, or at least your opinion on a situation, especially one that seemed so heartbreaking for him.

“Things were fine until four months ago, I mean we had gotten really close and…” He groaned, facepalming as he muttered, “We ended up going to a party and drinking a lot- I don’t remember but I’m pretty sure I confessed- she’s been acting weird ever since. But to go and sleep with a stripper? It’s so unlike her er-” It seemed as if he was going to say your name- only to realize he had yet to learn it, “...I mean do I even stand a chance with a guy like that?”

You frowned at his words. The answer was- he probably didn’t. Jungkook was the most charismatic person you had ever met, he knew all the right things to say and his confidence could win you a thousand times over, and of course his good looks and incredible build only furthered his chances with any girl on the planet, “Well,” You paused, glancing down at the table yourself, trying to push the image Jungkook had sent of himself and the girl- Jiwoo in chat away from your mind, “My mentor is a lot of things Alex- but committed probably isn’t one of them,” He seemed to notice the own dejection you held as you sighed, “I doubt you have to worry about him stealing her away, he’s extremely adamant about actually getting close to any of our clients.”

“Wait…” Alex faltered in his sentence as he pressed his lips together, “Are you and him…?” He trailed off his words, as if not wanting to really ask, but wanting to make sure this situation hadn’t involved more members then he realized.

Your lips parted and your pupils widened as you fumbled, “Oh no! It’s nothing like that-” You gave a tense laugh as you rubbed your neck, “Jungkook and I…” You squinted your eyes as you glanced at the table, what were you? Friends? Just trainee and mentor? “It’s….it’s complicated,” You sighed as your expression dropped, “He’s my mentor for stripping.” You explained before picking at your own food, “But...I don’t know our relationship is weird, we’re friends but- it’s a weird situation.” You shrugged, not wanting to think about it any longer before you hummed, “Have you told her you like while sober?”

“Hell no!” Alex replied a little too fast, just the idea made him look nervous and he was probably working a knot in his stomach at just the idea of confessing, he could still remember being nervous when he was drunk, god only knew what it’d be like if he did it sober.

You clacked your tongue before shaking your head, “I know it’s scary, but you should just be honest with her and tell her.” It wasn’t an appealing idea, you understood, but at the end of the day if she wasn’t interested in it would be better for him to know and move on. You hadn’t known him for more than a few hours but Alex seemed like a sweet guy he deserved someone who could love him for who he was and only him.

“And if she doesn’t like me back…?” He murmured, finally beginning to slurp on his noodles as if already digging into comfort food of a post breakup that never even began. It made you wanna laugh because the feeling was oddly mutual but you refrained due to his eyes that seemed distant and broken under such an idea of her not liking him.

You offered a sympathetic smile before replying, “Then you’re better off with the truth and walking away knowing that there is no hidden feelings and there was no other outcome possible. I know the idea hurts, but you can’t stay stuck on someone who doesn’t love you, and the only way to find out is if you just ask her. Who knows maybe she does like you.” Your smile brightened as you passed him a wink, beginning to dig into your own meal.

Alex sighed before nodding, “You’re right...thank you for listening to me by the way- never thought i’d pay a stripper for advice.” He gave a small laugh, and for the first time all night you let out a genuine one of your own.

It was ironic but people often seeked advice in the oddest places. You ended up having a pleasant conversation with him before finishing up your meal, Alex- had insisted on walking you home, saying he wouldn’t feel comfortable or okay letting you go home so late on your own.

It wasn’t until you abruptly paused outside of the restaurant when you checked your phone, that you swallowed thickly, your notifications had been blown up by several missed calls and a wall of text from Jungkook- who had apparently saw the money exchange with Alex at Cherry Bomb and had gotten a completely wrong impression on what had happened.

“Everything okay…?” Alex asked a little hesitant at the sight of your white knuckles gripping your phone and your blurry vision. Angrily you rubbed your eyes, mad at yourself now for wanting to cry. But it just made you so mad!

How could he expect you to comply when he had been such a dick the past two days. Obivously he was concerned for your safety, but he had went about it in the completely wrong way, leaving you feeling more dumb and angry then cared about or safe.

You understood the risk you were taking when you agreed to go with Alex but this guy didn’t have a malicious bone in his body, he was completely in love and it showed.

“I’m fine, he just…” You forced the sob down your throat as you shook your head, walking side by side with him as you sighed, “He just makes me so angry.” He gave you a look of sympathy as you both made your way back to your apartment.

Pushing his hands into the pockets of his jacket he looked like he was in contemplation for a moment before asking, “Why is it complicated with your mentor?” You frowned at the question, you had answered plenty about your mentor at Cherry Bomb, but never any pertaining to the actual nature of your relationship.

And so you did the only thing you could, you told him everything. The whole walk back you did your best to explain how you ended up auditioning, how Jungkook had persuaded you to take the job. How he rarely ever referred to you by your name and how well you both got along, and then you told him about your boyfriend and how you finally decided this was the end. You were going to talk to him and break it off but now Jungkook was giving you the cold shoulder and you were at a loss of what to do.

“I’m sorry…” You sighed, glancing at your feet as you stopped in front of your apartment complex, “You paid for me to listen to you- not the other way around.” You rubbed the back of your neck and you could feel your face heating up as you frowned before looking up at him.

Alex found himself laughing, looking down at you with a smile as he shook his head, “I paid for your opinion on what I should do, and in the end it was the same as Minjun’s. I just needed to hear it from someone else, the least I can do is listen to you as well. Besides, it seemed like you needed to blow off some steam, you and your mentor seem like you have a pretty intense relationship.”

Sighing you gave a weak smile, “Yeah that’s one way to put...anyways thank you for walking me home. Tell me how it goes with Jiwoo when you get the courage to confess.” He laughed before nodding and saying goodbye.

Just like most days you were drained and ready to sleep off the day, you had hoped today would be the day you’d talk to Jungkook again, but all it ended with was even more strain between you both. Dejectedly you pulled out the key from your bag as you stood in front of your door before going to unlock it.

You paused at noticing it already half shut, you always locked the door before leaving...Warily you glanced around your surroundings before pushing the door open. Everything seemed in its normal place and undisturbed, the few lights you left on were still bright and it wasn’t until you saw the figure sitting at your table, a cold cup of coffee next to him that you scoffed with raised brows, “Hanjae? What the hell are you doing here?”

It made sense of course, but you couldn’t keep the surprised look off your face. When you said you’d talk later this was not what you meant. Hanjae took a sip of his drink before he rose his brows, “Here to talk. Where the hell have you been? It’s almost four in the morning!”

Closing your eyes you groaned, you were tired, both physically and emotionally and you really didn’t want to do this right now. You had been planning a whole speech to let him down as gently as possible, but due to his force of hand you were just going to have to be blunt, “Does it matter? Look, I’m gonna be forward with you, Hanjae. We’re done, I’ve done a lot of thinking the past week and I don’t love you. You don’t love me, it doesn’t make sense for us to stay together.” You wished your tone was gentle, you wished you could give him a soft expression. You wished for a lot of fucking things today but none of that was going to happen and you weren’t about to start here.

Hanjae almost instantly shot up from his chair, “I do love you! Why is that so fucking difficult for you to understand? I’m not just going to sit here and let you ruin our relationship because you’ve let even more bad influences in your life. Who the hell was that by the way?” He almost sneered out, his expression flaring and you had already pulled out your phone.

You had never seen him so tense before and so much strong anger in his voice, it admittedly scared you, “He’s a coworker I hang out with- Would you stop saying everyone I hang out with a bad influence?” You turned away from him with gritted teeth, hurriedly texting the only person you could think of to come get you, Rosé. You knew if Jungkook got involved things would escalate, Hanjae knew where Seulgi lived and of course Namjoon and Seokjin were still at work.

“I’m sorry you still have feelings- but I don’t okay?” You turned to face him, already hearing the notification from Rosé and hoping she was on her way, “I don’t know if I ever did honestly. Can you please just go? I’m tired and I need to sleep. I wish I could give you another answer but I’m breaking up with you Hanjae, I can’t keep living like this.” You stepped away, originally going to open the door and see him out but you were automatically yanked back by his harsh grip on you.

Hanjae instantly had you pinned to the wall, his grip bruising your upper arms as he snarled, “You think you have a choice in breaking up with me? Sorry baby but I lead this relationship and it isn’t over until I say so.” The nickname you had become so used to Jungkook using sounded like venom on his lips as you instantly shifted wincing in pain, “Now let’s go to bed so you can sleep off this ridiculous bullshit.”

“You’re fucking pyschotic!” You snapped out as he began to shuffle you both away from the wall as you tried to pull from his grip, “Hanjae stop!” His grip on you only got tighter as you winced again, hearing another notification go off on your phone, “Our relationship is over whether you like it or not you aren’t going to change my mind!”

You were pushed back against the wall again, this time pain throbbing your back as Hanjae snapped down at you, furious at your words despite their truth, “Oh and who’s gonna stop me huh? Not your little shitty friend, nobody wants you angel hate to be that wake up call but the only person on this planet willing to give you the time of day is me. You think he’ll ever care about you the way I do? He won’t.” You weren’t sure if the tears watering in your eyes was from the pain shooting in your arms from his grip or because of his words. Hanjae’s grip on you was suddenly broke at the shocking sight of blonde hair.

Your vision was blurred from your tears but the very clear image of Jimin was seared into your mind with one of the most scary glares you had ever seen, Rosé was suddenly by your side, arm wrapped around you with her own frightened expression as Jimin demanded you both go. Rosé was quick to guide you out of your apartment, hurriedly getting you down both sets of stairs and into the car that had been parked as she sat in the back seat with you, “Fucking christ,” She murmured out, “I was scared shitless when I got your text! A-are you okay? Did he hurt you?” You hadn’t even realized how badly you were shaking until she wrapped both of her arms around you, hugging you tightly.

“I-I’m fine...just…” You couldn’t form any words, mainly in shock at just how psychotic your ex boyfriend had truly become, had he always been like this? Your mind was racing ninety to nothing in trail of figuring out if that was the case. You had always been too intimidated to speak up before hand, generally not liking conflict with your boyfriend. Had you realized it would’ve blown up the way it did, you might’ve never left him out of fear, or alternatively this could’ve been avoided and you would’ve left before he had gotten so attached.

“Hey it’s okay,” Rosé cooed out noticing the tears blurring your vision again as she dug her nose into your hair, “We can talk about it later, you’re safe now.” You finally let a stifled sob escape your throat as you closed your eyes, leaning against her as she stroked your hair, the comfort her warm body brought to you and the distinct smell of perfume calming your senses.

You jumped at the sound of the car door opening, freaked out for a moment at the idea of Hanjae marching down here to get you and force you back into your own home- which he wrongfully invaded due to having knowledge of where you stored your spare key. Instead you were greeted by Jimin who looked extremely ruffled but turned the car on nonetheless before driving back to you assumed Rosé’s home.

The whole ride had been swallowed in silence until you were sat down on the couch of Rosé’s apartment, hers a fair bit nicer than your own and she even had a custom pole placed between the kitchen and living room. She had wrapped a blanket around you and that’s when you noticed all of the pillows and blankets thrown everywhere and a sheet laid out on the ground, “We were having a movie night when you texted,” She explained with a small laugh though you could tell it was sheepish as if trying to lighten the mood, “I’m glad Jimin was here.” Her voice sombered as she sighed.

Jimin leaned back into the couch as he collectively sighed with her and you did as well, all of you looking both drained and exhausted as he asked the million dollar question, “I’m glad I was too...But Y/n, why didn’t you call Jungkook…?” You avoided his gaze that softened as your lips quivered, “You know he would’ve been over in a heartbeat, no matter how petty he is he’d never ignore anyone in that situation, especially you.”

“It’s already been a long night,” You tried to keep your voice level as your eyes began glossing over again, “If he got involved things only would’ve got worse. I’m sorry for bothering you guys…” It was their one day off and you had ruined it, leaving an empty pain in your stomach as your tried to keep your hiccup down your throat.

“Oh honey,” Rosé frowned as she grabbed your hand, giving it a gentle squeeze as her own lips quivered, as if your words deeply upset her even though she refused to let it show on her face, “Never apologize for that, if you hadn’t of texted when you did there’s no telling what would’ve happened. Do you want me to call him…? I’m sure he’d come over immediately.”

You stiffened at the idea, had things not gone the way they did today you would’ve called him yourself, but now? You honestly didn’t want to see him, he hurt you more than you were willing to admit and all you wanted was a few decent hours of sleep.

Both Jimin and Rosé frowned as they exchanged glances, maybe hoping your mentor could give you comfort that you clearly needed, but you weren't sure if you could trust him, not when he had been so hot and cold, and he was so demanding yet callous of your own emotions as if they didn’t exist, it hurt, it hurt just to think about the conversation you had shared with him earlier.

His concern completely overshadowed by his condescension making you feel like you were nothing but a toddler with a lack of good judgement. Having to narrow it down- you supposed what the core of your hurt came from was the fact that his own lack of trust in you was very apparent.

“I just wanna lay down and get some rest…” You wiped your eyes, not realizing the tears that had trickled down your cheeks as Rosé sighed sadly before nodding, pity in her eyes as she stood up, gesturing her arms as you got off the couch, letting her wrap an arm around you before leading you to what you assumed was her room, “You can rest here for the night baby, do you need anything? I have some spare pajamas in my dresser, feel free to raid it for something comfy.”

“I’m okay…” You sniffled out, wiping your eyes before giving her a small smile despite your eyes persisting in their watering, “Thank you…” Rosé gave you a much brighter smile of her own as she nodded, tugging at a strand of your hair before bidding you goodnight.

Being left alone in her room, you took a moment to inhale looking around before ultimately deciding you were comfy enough as it was. All you wanted was nothing more then to crash and sleep away such an awful day, and that was exactly what you did.

Your body was stiff, tired from being on your feet almost the whole day and your back was aching dully as pain throbbed into your arms at the slightest movement. The pain had waved over you the whole night but it was the delicious smell of pancakes that had you woke up from your deep slumber.

The window had been cracked letting in the nice cool breeze from the morning air and the sun shined through the window delicately, not too bright, but not too grey either. For a brief moment, you had forgotten where you were until memories of the previous night washed over you. Rubbing your eyes you sat up with a wince before groaning, rubbing your back as your face twisted into pain while glancing at your upper arms that sported dark purple bruises in the familiar shape of Hanjae’s hands.

Last night had been very real and the marks that stained your arms was only proof of its existence. It wasn’t until you grabbed your phone from the messy bed, realizing it must’ve fell from your pocket while alseep that you checked the time, eyes almost popping out of your head at the time. You slept in until fucking 9AM? Practice would be over in a half an hour! You could rush to make it but by the time you would’ve got there it would be useless, groaning you flopped down onto the bed as you pressed your hands into your eyes, fuck! Why didn’t they wake you up?

Pushing yourself off the bed you ran a hand through your hair before making your way to the living room, you stopped short at the kitchen though when you saw Jimin flipping the last of his batch of pancakes onto the plate, “Morning, did you sleep well?”

“Why didn’t you guys wake me up!?” You instantly cried out in demand as you trudged over, unable to deny the plate he handed you as your stomach growled, and the smell of pancakes and bacon- though was more of an american style breakfast you’d never deny a sweet treat first thing in the morning.

Jimin flicked your forehead causing you to rub the spot with a whine as he replied, “Babe you just got out of a fight with your ex asshole that was borderline domestic abuse, you deserved a morning to sleep in. Now sit down and eat you can tell me what happened meanwhile.”

You sighed before sitting next to him on the bar countertop, cutting your pancake before shoving as much as your chopsticks would allow into your mouth.

You started at the beginning of the night, explaining to Jimin in detail the reason you had been so adamant about calling Jungkook- even giving him your phone to read through the conversation himself, “Who did you go out with though? If you don’t mind me asking, usually we only take extra cash if a client is looking to buy us for night.” Jimin asked curiously, handing your near dead phone to you as you closed it.

“There was a guy there who needed a second opinion on what to do with a girl he really liked. I’m not stupid Jimin I-...I knew-” You sighed in frustarted, trying to convince yourself more then him as he sighed, gently grasping your shoulder as he gave it a comforting squeeze.

“You’re a grown woman Y/n, I know you aren’t stupid and I would never doubt your judgement with a client. Jungkook is…” He trailed off, thinking for a second before he clacked his lips, “He cares about you, a lot. He cares about all of us to the point he gets overprotective in the process, but it doesn’t change the fact that he cares. He just doesn’t know how to show it, and eventually he pulls away when he feels exposed vulnerability and ends up pushing everyone away to protect himself. Or at least that’s my theory,”

Jimin wrapped an arm around you, delicately to avoid press against the bruising of your arm, “I know it’s frustrating, and isn’t fair for you but Jungkook does care, and if you give him a chance, even if he’s an insufferable ass who doesn’t deserve it-” He cracked a smile making you stifle a giggle, “He will open up, and when that happens…Jungkook is- he’s a good guy, he’s loyal to the ones he loves for life. He’ll defend us in a heartbeat and would never turn any of us away when we’re in need. But he’s still human Y/n. He has a lot of toxic traits and faults he has to work on, we all do if you wanna put it into perspective.”

“You are right…” You sighed, glancing down at your lap as you sighed, taking in Jimin’s words. He was right of course, Jungkook...for all the bad that had happened so quickly, you had plenty of good memories of him as well. He really was someone you’d like to go too in a time of need, and you were sure Jimin was right, he’d throw hands with any soul that dared cross his friends. But you couldn’t help but feel a little apprehensive still, “I just...I need to see that from him, himself. You know?”

Jimin gave your shoulders one last squeeze before he let go nodding, cracking another smile as he laughed, “Oh you’ll see, if you stick with that dense asshole he’ll prove himself, he always does.” You couldn’t help but smile a little at his words, Jimin seemed closed to Jungkook, at least enough to be one hundred percent confident in him. You could only hope, maybe one day you’d be able to say the same. But right now, your feelings were wilted and crumbled and the hurt that had been stabbed at you from so many directions had took a heavy toll on you both emotionally and physically.

All you wanted now was to at least make things right with Jungkook, and then you’d at least be back on the right path to building a proper relationship with him again. You ended up finishing breakfast before taking you home, explaining Rosé decided to head into practice and smooth things over with Jungkook as best she could while explaining to him what had taken place the night before with Hanjae.

You were surprised mainly because he had yet to text you all day, she must’ve did a good job. Jimin had made sure to come inside with you for a few minutes to make sure the apartment was vacant and thankfully it was. You had sent him off with a thank you and goodbye before allowing yourself to relax, you rarely ever skipped classes but today, you’d make an exception.

It had been a few days more of a half a month you had been working at Cherry Bomb and not in one single of those days, did you feel replenished and renewed as tonight as you packed up for work. You had laid around the majority of the day, did some cleaning and tended to your little succulents. It was such a nice change of pace and you had been a happy camper all around before heading off to work.

All of the negative energy you had been so bogged down and for once, you were glad you decided to stay in. Your physical health had took such a beating for so long you hadn’t even realized how taxing and exhausting your everyday schedule was.

Pushing the doors open to Cherry Bomb you had been determined to perform your best tonight and hopefully make a little more money than the night before. You had only danced yesterday and tonight would be your last chance for the week as upper management, like you had been told, mainly kept you working on the floor.

Taking a seat at the wide vanity you ignored everyones comments and occasional stares as you begun your makeup making sure the crease had been cut sharp and hopefully this pair of fake lashes wouldn’t end in ruins like your pair last night had. Spraying the setting spray on you stood up before getting changed into the black minidress, the lace bodysuit you wore underneath was where it counted due to its deep plunge and even with the dress on you could feel the pressure of cleavage sticking against the tight material.

Sitting back down once more you had pulled on the fishnet stockings, making sure to fasten them as well as you could to your garter belt before putting on your heels and making your way backstage. Tonight was all about your celebration this far into your new, hopefully short lived, career.

Leaning back against the pole you had waited for the first few counts before turning to face the audience, letting the music take over with more ease then the first few times you had been on stage. Letting your hands drag up your body as you sunk down to your knees, something about performing had changed or maybe it was the day of being able to relax that had helped?

You weren’t sure what had changed but you enjoyed it and clearly the crowd did as well when you felt the money pile around you. You were positive the feeling would never get old.

After the song had ended you quickly gathered the money before blowing a kiss to the crowd with a smile before heading backstage, pulling the robe over your body you sat down in your chair as you neatly stacked the ones and began to excitedly count them.

“I wish the others weren’t such hardasses, I mean it’s hard to not feel at least a little bit bad for her,” You paused at the sound of a fillers voice, there were only two other girls in the room- poledancers if you remembered correctly, “She’s just a trainee- and to be put in that position.” The girl sighed sinking into her seat.

“What?” You couldn’t help but ask as you raised your brows, curiosity filling you, you were aware you weren’t the only trainee at Cherry Bomb, what had happened? You found, the pole dancers were a little nicer than the dancers, they wouldn’t blow you off, right?

The girl frowned as she answered, “Oh we just had a code black happen- one of the girls got sexually harassed. Sounded pretty bad,” She explained while cringing slightly, pity in her eyes before humming, “What was her name….?” She glanced towards her friend.

The other shrugged before putting on her heels, “Um...Seulgi I think?”

You instantly shot up out of your chair, your heart dropping into your stomach at the sound of your friend's name. It couldn’t have been Seulgi, right!? Right? Your heart rate had spiked and your hands were shaky as you bolted for the door, the need to find your bestfriend flooding your whole body as you pushed through the hallway.

You had almost crashed into Namjoon as you both locked eyes, almost as if he knew your exact thoughts he instantly grabbed your forearm leading you through the busy hallway, “She’s in Hoseok’s dressing room, nothing actually happened but the guy came pretty close. Seokjin’s with her right now while security and Hoseok are taking care of the guy.” He stopped in front of the plagued door with Hoseok’s name on it before opening it.

Your heart dropped into your stomach at the sight of your friend, tears streaming down her face and her whole body violently shaking while covering in a flimsy robe. Seokjin sat by her, making sure to keep his distance while murmuring soft words of comfort to her when you quickly entered into the room.

As soon as you sat down Seulgi lunged for you, wrapping her arms around you as she sobbed, “I-I was so scared!” You buried your nose into her hair, eyes watering at the messy state your friend had been left in as you stroked her back, “It’s okay, you’re safe now, you’re safe Seulgi.” But she only kept incoherently babbling as she sobbed against you, her breathing heavy and uneven as you squeezed her tightly.

You were absolutely horrified and felt completely helpless, unable to do anything to reverse the damage that had been done. You understood that risks of your job, but too actually see it. Too actually endure your bestfriends sobs because someone tried to force themselves on her? It broke you to your very core leaving nothing but an angry void left.

Your job didn’t give anyone the right to do that! Stripper or not you were still human, you still deserved to be treated as such and yet here your bestfriend was with that very right almost ripped away from her.

Hearing the door open you noticed it was Hoseok, his knuckles were bruised and swollen but his eyes locked onto his trainee as hurried into the room, sitting down on the couch as Seulgi instantly launched herself into him, the shaking of her body ceasing as she buried into his neck as he softly comforted her. The sight broke your heart.

You noticed the other soloist’s filing in all with broken expressions as Rosé’s lips quivered, “Is she okay…?” You wordlessly nodded, your eyes staying on Seulgi’s curled up position, unable to fully process the sight before your eyes. Seulgi had always been the stronger one out of you two, she was always the one hugging you when you cried. To see her so weak, so vulnerable the pain ached in your chest for your friend, feeling a little better to see her mentor already helping her recover even in the smallest way.

Seokjin stood up as he sighed, finally speaking up over the heavy, thick tension of the room, “I’ll handle things with Sejin and Bang, everyone should get back to work, are you clocking out Hoseok?” He glanced towards the male as he asked, a soft note in his voice as he backed towards the door.

Hoseok nodded, his eyes only flickering to everyone else for a brief moment as he answered, “Yeah, I’m gonna stay with her. I can handle things from here.” The air was still somber and only Seulgi’s cries filled the room as everyone slowly dispersed. You didn’t want to leave Seulgi alone but you knew it was for the best, she was in good hands with her mentor and you knew if it was you…

You let your eyes trail to the only figure that lingered: Jungkook stood as if waiting for you, his eyes meeting yours for the first time in what felt like forever, his expression was unreadable but heavy making you break his gaze as you sighed.

You weren’t sure what you would’ve done, or who you would’ve went too if it happened to you, if anyone at all. Standing up you wrapped your arms around yourself, checking the clock only too see your next groups dance had just finished on stage. At least you’d be able to go home and sleep off the day, it seemed those were filling your week more and more.

Closing the door you could barely let go of the knob before you were suddenly hauled into a tight embrace causing you to jolt at the unexpected skinship, “Fuck- you scared me to death...” Jungkook’s voice was muffled as he buried his nose into the crook of your neck, his chest pressing firmly into your back and his arms kept you locked into place, “I’m sorry,” those were the next words to tumble out of his lips as he squeezed you a little tighter, “God- I’m- I’m so sorry Y/n. I didn’t have any right to treat you the way I did and- and I don’t- fuck I’m sorry.”

Your lips were already quivering and you were well aware of the wet, warm tears rolling down your cheeks, you hadn’t realized how much you missed him until he was right behind you, apologies escaping his lips left and right, “Shhh don’t cry babygirl, I know I was a total asshole and I don’t have a good explanation and I have no right to ask but please forgive me.” His words only spurred your tears more as you let your shoulders bounce from the gentle sob that escaped your lips making him hug you tighter.

“It- It fucking hurt- you know that? You have some- some...nerve to just swoop in and try to fix everything with a hug,” You finally spoke trying to keep your voice from cracking as you attempted to keep your voice level with the tears streaming down your cheeks, “And- and fuck you! Because it’s working and I- I hate it! You’re such a dick!” You snapped with a sob while babbling, his grip on you loosened and you could even hear a faint laugh escape his lips as you stomped your foot, “I’m- I’m being serious!” You really weren’t but your petty anger was getting the better of you despite your sniffle.

“I know you are babygirl,” Jungkook murmured, his voice a little amused and for the first time, you were relieved to hear his nickname for you escape his lips, as it turns out you prefered it on his lips more then your own name, “I am a dick,” His voice sombered as he sighed, “You’re too good for me babygirl...I know I don’t deserve it but I still want you as my trainee: mine. You don’t have to stay...but-”

“I’m not leaving Cherry Bomb you dipshit!” You cried out indignantly before finally turning around and throwing your arms around his neck, pulling him now as you buried your face into his neck, “Yes you pissed me off- made me cry more than humanly possible but I’m also aware of how much of a sensitive piece of shit I am,” You sighed before tightening your grip around him, not realizing just how much you had genuinely missed Jungkook, you missed his banter and his dumb smirks and innunedos that had you snapping at him with blushing cheeks, you missed the way he called you babygirl or insisted on another silly petname instead of just using your real name, you missed him, “I’m not leaving Jungkook.”

You felt his previously tense body suddenly relax at your words as his grip on you tightened, despite the short time you knew him, you also saw him everyday, almost all day long. Jungkook had become a big part of your life, you didn’t want to lose him when he always brightened your day.

“Thank you.” He murmured gently, pressing his forehead into your shoulder before pressing a gentle kiss against the skin, eyes closed as he murmured, “Stay the night with me baby, I...ah fuck- I can’t…” he exhaled sharply as if annoyed with himself at being unable to form a proper sentence, “So much shit has happened and a lot of it’s my fault. I was freaking the fuck out when I saw you leave with that guy- I can’t...I could never- and then Hanjae? That guy…” His jaw was clenched and you could hear the brittle anger in his voice, “I swear I could fucking kill him...And then the code black-?”

He stopped short of his sentence, forehead still pressed into your shoulder and his eyes squeezed tightly shut as his arms coiled around you further, “When they said trainee I- I- fuck- I thought it was you. After everything that’s happened? I’m already pissed at myself but if that happened-...I’d never forgive myself, just please, stay with me tonight I don’t want you away from me after everything that’s happened.” His voice was near pleading, and his grip had become tight as if you disappear if he let go, he pressed another kiss into your shoulder as if hoping maybe it would entice you.

But all it did was soften your bruised heart, despite all of the hurt you had been through. There was no other arms you’d rather be in then Jungkook’s.

Digging through your bag you sighed, you hadn’t actually packed anything comfy for after work and stood on the cold tile floor of Jungkook’s bathroom that extended from his room, dejectedly looking down at your bag in disappointment as you tugged on the uncomfortable material of your jeans, the cropped top wouldn’t do either given you had begun wearing thongs outside of work to try and become more accustomed to the feeling.

You almost let out a whine at your luck before you sighed, unlocking the door you poked your head out as you felt your cheeks begin to burn, “Guk…”

“Hm?” He was laid out on the bed, his eyes had been previously closed and for once, you could notice the dark circles under his eyes and he looked exhausted. Opening his eyes he glanced towards you in acknowledgement.

“Do you have a shirt I can borrow…?” You felt embarrassment wash over you at the sound of his soft laugh as he got up from his bed, walking over to his dresser as he pulled out one of his infamous, large white t-shirts before walking up to the door, his eyes drinking up the bare skin of your collarbones as you grabbed the shirt with a timid, ‘thank you’ before closing the door.

Sighing you wanted to slam your head into the wall, you had stayed the night with plenty of guys before-...well only once outside of Hanjae- and even he usually preferred going over to your house. But something felt so intimate about staying with Jungkook, you couldn’t quite place your finger on it.

Pulling your clothes off you sighed before unhooking your uncomfortable bra and pulling the shirt over your head. You almost blushed instantly at the way his shirt drowned your body, the distinct smell of his cologne bringing you a strong sense of security that made you snuggle further into the material, Hanjae rarely ever let you wear his clothes, you always wondered why. It was so nice being in oversized shirts and hoodies.

The edge of the shirt dropped to the mid of your thighs and there was more than plenty of room to spare up top due to the stretch his broad shoulders made on the shirt, it was undeniably him. Just him. Opening the door you shuffled, feeling his eyes already on your figure as he drinked up the sight making you shift bashfully.

Just seeing the tired, sleepy smirk on his face had your ears hot red making his lips crack into a smile as he lifted his arms, “C’mere.” It was embarrassing how it only took one word for you to practically flop on top of him. Dropping your head down onto his chest you felt his arms loosely wrap over you as you yawned, an immediate tiredness washing over your eyes while bathed in his warmth.

“I can’t believe he did that…” You poked your head up in confusion at his words, his hand slipping down to your upperarm before gently thumbing the dark bruise, you instantly winced even under his gentle touch making his gaze darken slightly, “Why didn’t you call me babygirl?” He sounded a little hurt, even looked a little hurt as he frowned, closing his eyes as he dropped his head back against the pillow and returned his arm back around you.

“We both know things would’ve got way out of hand if I did…” You murmured, a bit of guilt stabbing in your stomach at the realization you didn’t trust him like you should’ve, even after your argument over text, he should’ve been your go to…”I’m sorry…”

Jungkook rolled over to his side, letting you both adjust before he grabbed at the back of your thigh, pulling it over his waist to cuddle you closer, “It’s fine babygirl- I know our texts probably didn’t help…” He sighed, pressing his forehead against yours as he closed his eyes, his fingers brushing against the side of your body, “Just...please call me next time- I don’t care what’s going on between us- I...I’m your number one okay? When you’re in trouble.” His arm suddenly squeezed around you, “You go to me. I never want you to feel like I wouldn’t protect you.” He muttered more to himself than you. You could feel whatever pressure had been left in your chest lift at his words, making you close your eyes as you pulled closer to him. For the first time in your life, you really did feel safe.

You felt yourself becoming sleepier by the second at the feeling of his fingers gently stroking your side, swirling random, gentle patterns into the soft material of his shirt you wore before letting them trail down to your hips. Focusing on the light brush of his fingertips as you let your eyes fall shut, they were warm and left a little tingling against the open skin of your thigh.

“Is that a thong?” You had never jumped harder out of a half sleep state as you did in that moment, Jungkook’s tone huskier as his lips brushed over your ear, you couldn’t tell if it was because he was half asleep himself or aroused, maybe both.

You attempted to scurry away from him as you sputtered, “I- I! I was almost asleep you pervert!” Your face was practically boiling alive and the flare in your ears returned as Jungkook quickly pulled you back against him, his lips pressing into your neck as if too try and sooth your embarrassment, “But you weren’t fully asleep,” Jungkook purred out, his tone sleepy as well his hand on the back of your thigh to pull it over his waist, this time hiking it higher forcing the shirt to lift up exposing your previously covered ass to the cold nip of the room.

“Mmm lace looks so good on you babydoll.” Jungkook rasped in your ears making you whine as you wiggled in his arms, his words, had almost shamefully made you wet. His hand instantly slipped up your thigh to cup one cheek before kneading against it making you involuntarily try to grind closer to him, “Jungkook!” You whined out making him chuckle before rolling you both over, caging you between his arms as you shrank as far into the mattress as you could.

You had been in many positions with Jungkook, but never truly underneath him on a bed. Seeing him hover over you, tired without a doubt but arousal glazing his eyes already had you worked up and he hadn’t even done anything, “So…” He licked his lips, a smirk quirking on his mouth as he let one hand stroke your hipbone making you lift them along with his stroke, “Feels like we’ve had this conversation before,”

You almost wanted to wack him on the head as you resisted the urge to roll your eyes at his dumb smile, “But you can just tell me to get off you,” He leaned in, sucking gently against your neck making your breath hitch as you squirmed beneath him, “You needed time to think things over with Hanjae…” you shuddered at the feeling of his warm tongue running over your skin, “Just say the word and we can go to bed.” He teased as he nipped at your skin again, his hands indulging as they ran over the side of your body.

“I broke up with him.” He abruptly stopped before sitting up making you strangle to keep the whine of objection leaving your lips as you lifted yourself onto your forearms, “What…?”

He store at you for a whole five seconds, pupils a little wide as he breathed out while running a hand through his hair, “Thank god…” he looked extremely relieved, a brief smile pulling on his lips as he lunged back down at you before playfully adding, “There can only be one daddy in your life babygirl and you know I was willing to fight him for it.”

“You are unbelievable!” You cried out making him laugh, his smile pressed against your skin as he excitedly pushed his hands under your shirt like a kid in a candy shop making you squirm. His hands were warm and the calloused brushed against your skin in all the right ways, “He wasn’t a daddy anyways.”

“Fuck,” He paused briefly as he pressed his forehead against your chest, “You sound so hot when you say that baby.” His words were sent straight to your already throbbing wet pussy that had you rubbing your thighs together, you assumed he was joking about being your daddy but somehow it really wasn’t surprising to quickly figure out he wasn’t.

The idea had you soaked and you were sure there was an embarrassing wet mark by now as Jungkook sat up, his eyes lidded as he licked his lips, pushing the shirt over your chest making you squeak, the warm confines of the material no longer covering you, leaving your nipples hard against the cold air of the room and your cheeks burning in opposition, “Don’t you dare cover yourself now baby,” Jungkook instantly grabbed your wrists stopping them as you whined shuffling beneath him, “Mmm, you’re so pretty baby,” He cooed out soothingly noticing your nervous shift of body, wrists still pinned by him as he licked a trail up your stomach leaving you arching your back for more as his foreplay nearly killed you.

Jungkook smirked against your skin, as if knowing you were putty in his hands and ready to be played with. The sexual tension had been killer between you both even now after being apart for those short few days, in fact, the absence only made his tongue feel that much better as he dragged it over your left nipple popping it into his mouth.

“Jungkook!” You whined trying to kick your feet beneath him as impatience built inside you, you weren’t used to so much foreplay and honestly it wasn’t even needed, all Jungkook had to say was one word for you to be soaked.

You felt a hard sting against your thigh making you cry out with a whimper at his hand that had just popped against your thigh leaving it with a slight throb of pain, “You know I really can’t stand brats,” Jungkook almost growled, a hand slotting between your thighs making you clamp around it, “You’re gonna be daddy’s good babygirl and wait, right?” His hand cupped your throbbing core as he squeezed it making you whine as you nodded, your back aching at being arched once more while his tongue returned to your other nipple, “Right?” He spanked your thigh once more, a little harder as it burned into your skin making you jump with a breathy moan.

“Yes...daddy.” You swallowed thickly, embarrassment covering your whole body as you looked up at him, his eyes completely engulfed on your figure before letting out a moaned sigh of his own, as if waiting for you to say those words.

Just as he was about to lean back over you a loud knock had echoed throughout the house causing you to jump, anxiety pouring through your whole body as you let out a panicked noise, Jungkook had instantly pulled your shirt back over yourself, nuzzling his nose into the crook of your neck as he cooed, “Hey shhh, you’re safe babygirl.” Your hands were still shaky with adrenaline at being planted back into reality as another more impatient knock came from the front door, “Let me get the door, I’ll be right back.” He pressed a kiss against your forehead before getting up and exiting the room.

You almost immediately collapsed against the bed, your body feeling like jello as you ran a hand through your hair, holy shit. Maybe that interruption was for the best, you weren’t sure you were ready for Jungkook, mainly too embarrassed at how noisy you had become, how he got you so easily wet. It must’ve been painfully obvious that despite not being a virgin you still weren’t experienced in bed.

One minute, turned into two, and then two turned into three and briefly you started to become worried. Was everything okay? Did he end up leaving with whoever was at the door? And furthermore, who was at the door at this hour? It was almost five in the morning. You felt worry shoot through your body as you fidgeted against the soft bed, he was okay, right?

Just as you let worry take over you relaxed at Jungkook’s returned figure, you quickly frowned at his expression, he looked even more tired then he had when he first brought you home. His face drained of nearly any emotion as he sighed, running a hand through his hair, “Sorry for the interruption,” He climbed back over you but you could tell whatever had happened- whoever was at the door.

He almost looked numb as he leaned down to press back against your neck.

Abruptly you pressed your hands against his shoulders making him pause as you finally asked, concern written in your voice, “Jungkook...are you okay?”

Silence filled the room for a brief moment, and that moment turned into a full minute before you felt him bury into your neck, and after another moment you felt his shoulders shake and the wet substance of tears drip against your skin that made your heart completely splinter. He was completely silent but his shoulders were shaking and you could hear a breathy light sob if you strained as his grip on you tightened.

Instantly you had your arms wrapped around him as you let your hand tangle into his hair, it had been such a long night already and just hearing him cry, feeling his tears drop against your skin made you hold him closer as you whispered, “Everything is gonna be okay Guk.” You pressed a kiss against the top of his head. You didn’t know why he was crying, and it didn’t matter, he had you to wipe his tears away and you weren’t about to let go of him.

Note: :) I quite like the ending of this chapter how do u guys feel though? 🤔 lots too process here 

Taglist: @loveherpersona @megladon1616 @pearlneedstosleep @sincerelyjeohn @jungkookies-golden-noona @ironically-indifferent96 @epiphany-playingwithfire @maboiisuga @kookphoria91 @taehyungiev13 @134340ismybitch @appreciatethefoolishness @hanhannguyen98 @lurkerarmy @lovelyjikook @repeating-seesaw-game @serendipity-secrets @kimvantaee @forevermoremagcon @timestandstillalittle @yanmi1 @expensive-bangtan-girl @blxckeffect @egyptianwitchbutwithab @kimcheeeeeeeeee @rather-not-sayy @pastel-i-decay @taeass @caitlinmarieeblossom @bokuandcoconutsarelife @desires-ss @jishookedout134 @369girlswannadrinkwine @flowingwiththewater @w-ing-ss

(Let me know if you’d like to be added!)

[lie---ability]

for too many times in my life had i been wrong about people. so much that anyone who tries to have anything with me makes me anxious. i even get anxious about my upcoming job at Virus & Partners because new people = chances of any of them hurting me. i have been wrong about people so much that i think it's because i idealize them so much. i mean an example could be us hanging out everyday, do a lot of things together, stay out late together, ditch others for each other, chat each other right after being together the entire day, say i love you and get home safe — and i'd think we're best friends!!! only for her to say we never were. and that she never wanted to be close with someone like me. so it must be me, right? maybe i just fell in love with the thought that she's a great best friend. at the same time i think, no. she was a best friend, she did exist. that version of her existed. or at least did when it was convenient or beneficial to her, but when the time came where it wasn't, she threw me under the bus, become totally different from who i loved. who i proudly said was my best friend. all those months that built up my comfort, trust, attachment — ended up being told as a lie. and if it came from the person herself that they were lies, who am i to say she's just saying that for whatever reason? she said it herself. we weren't best friends even if she said it before. so what was the truth? was i just really stupid and idealistic? or are people just so awful now? it's like i'm this fish in a pond who's so easy to catch with just the right amount of treat. like i'd swim away when you approach but try a bit more and i'd fall for it. attachment issues suck, more so my abandonment issues.

but this post isn't about jodie. this is about my first boyfriend, rikko.

first because rj doesn't count, the fuck? that shit was a joke lol i just got a dose of reality at an early age. no love there at all. who even falls in love at 13? that shit illegal. so yes, rikko is my first boyfriend ♥️ and even though i've dated guys before, he's the only one i ever loved so far. i love him so much. in fact, before i was already starting to think that maybe i'm not capable of love? i mean, i'm aware i'm a mean person. but i didn't think of myself as someone incapable of falling in love. but among the guys i met and dated, ALL OF THEM WERE JUST TO FEED MY EGO. ego ego ego. tell me i'm pretty. keep asking me to go out and let me reject you over and over again. show me how much you wanna take me out on a date again. over and over and all of them were unintended! when i do talk to someone, a part of me tries! maybe this could work? but it kept ending the same way. ego food. which led me to think fuckkk i'm incapable of loving too? what am i here for then tfuck? — until i met rikko! and everything he did and said, i wanted more of it. the more he laughed, the more he cried, i wanted to keep seeing them, even if he laughs/cries for the same reasons over and over. i wanted the things he wanted. i wanted to like the shit he liked, and i did! i hated touch but i love being held by him. he was expressive too! like the other boys! but for some reason, it wasn't ego food. they became credit scores for me. each time he gets a point, it adds up to my reasons why this is it! why this is worth a try! and i struggled and fought hard. the commitment and daddy issues, the anxiety, the fear of abandonment, blah blah and he did and said the right things at the right time he went at the right places, gave the right gifts, promised the right things — all for him to turn out to be just like everybody else. he died months into my life. he couldn't keep up with the character he played, and idk why people keep playing a character on me. jodie played the supportive bff but really wanted to be some sort of main character which i think is rather difficult hence the hurtful betrayal. and then there's rikko, who played the boy i could ever want, but never was that person. he never was that person to his parents and friends, and i thought he would suddenly change for me? that's some boss level pick me girl shit. i love rikko, even now as i type this. i met him january 2020, it's july 29, 2021 today, and i love him so much. but i'm not sure if i should be with him anymore. on principle, morals, self-care, common sense, logic, religion. why? because he died. he died last january 2021. he's no longer the same rikko i fell for. his hands aren't the ones i fought myself to hold. he's not the same person who went all the way from paranaque to cainta for me at 8pm because my dad told me he almost had another baby with someone ON MY BIRTHDAY. he's not the same person i looked at up at Sm Aura thinking he could be the one. and that i belong here, with him. that i love being with him, and he could be other things, but i want to be with him. he didn't know it, but looking at him as he talked about his friends, those things ran in my head. it was the same rikko who got teary eyed when he misunderstood me there at the Sm Aura rooftop, thinking i meant that i was just playing him. the rikko who gave me a necklace for no reason, wore it on me and even had it in a totally unsuspecting case (tea bag) which made the surprise funnier and cuter, is... yep... no longer here. the rikko who kept reminding me i'm redeemable, that i'm not my anxieties, i'm not my bad brain, i'm not my small voice, that rikko is long gone. and still i stayed waiting, making excuses, reasoning out with myself, trusting that he'd come back and funny enough, 7 months in and... he's still gone.

the saddest part is he doesn't want to be like that. or so i think. he tries. i see him trying. i see the efforts. he tries to ask me about my day, about my worries, why i'm anxious, why i'm sad or irritated. he asks me about work, applications and when i'm out with friends or family. he tries to make time for me even now that he prefers valorant over ml with me, i know he tries to play ml with me. he tries to take some time off work to talk to me. he tries to post on social media now, shares my ig stories, joins my tiktoks and get along with my jokes. he tries. i know he does. but that's the thing. he has to try. and maybe those things, he just isn't. and the difference between trying and develop is with development, there is direction. there is progress. with rikko... it's unstable. sometimes he can do this, but the next times not so sure. and as someone anxious with rejection and abandonment issues, inconsistencies are okay, but a lot of them? and major ones? NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF IT. so many things rikko doesn't know and still he has it in him to say or assume a lot of things about me. one of them is when he said i'm ALWAYS annoyed at him. does he know how many times i get annoyed at things he do? but i don't address all of them not because i don't want to but because i acknowledge that they're not worth the fight or i'm just being hotheaded or immature or maybe inconsiderate. i think first before i act on him because if i learned anything about rikko, emotions have to make sense! which is wrong in the first place but that's who i'm with! but at the times i can't help being tampo, annoyed, or upset, he finds it in him to tell me i'm a l w a y s annoyed? WHEN?!?! i even asked him when and i know he realized it but still he fell stubborn to his pride. does he also know that his gifts don't make me kilig anymore? they just relieve me at this point which is sad!!! fucking sad!!! why? for example, for my virtual college graduation i was getting anxious few days before because i'm worried he won't give me anything or do something for me which will surely trigger my ~neglected issues~ and if i do get triggered, instead of addressing and being there for me, instead of making it up to me, he'd get mad! he'd make me feel that i'm asking for so much, for the impossible, all while i see it happen to people. i see other dudes give their girlfriends things without occasion. i see them try to like the things their girlfriends like, even embarrassing ones that she posts on social media. i see men constantly expressing their love for their gfs, for the person they asked to commit to them. all while i have one who would call me demanding, needy and exhausting. imagine? lol i get anxious he won't fulfill me not because i'd get sad but because he'll get mad when i get upset. he'd make me feel awful and remind me of the reason why we should end. and i hate that. i'm fighting so hard to take it off my mind, i hate thinking that we're incompatible, unhappy and that we're just trying to revive this love we have for each other. that love really isn't enough, even for us. so when he got me this bouquet for graduation, i was 95% relieved and 5% kilig because awwwww but more importantly, I WON'T BE TAMPO WHICH MEANS I WON'T HAVE TO HIDE AND HE WON'T HAVE TO GET ANNOYED AT ME BEING UPSET! as i type this all the more i feel bad because it's so clear i shouldn't be with him anymore. it hurts each time it crosses my mind. i really see rikko as the love of my life. and idk why. because he shouldn't be. the love of your life should be someone who makes you laugh, makes you strong but can also let you cry. the love of your life is the one who holds you on your way out of dark times. the love of your life is the one who corrects you in ways that won't make you feel bad, but in ways that make you feel cared for. that he's telling you so out of concern, not because he thinks you're a difficult sick mental person who needs an on-call therapist and an attending nurse. the love of your life should be the person who makes you cry the least.

but he doesn't deserve it also. maybe he's not ready to be in a relationship just yet. and there was no harm in trying. in fact i'm happy he tried because if he hadn't added me on facebook and hit up on instagram, i would have never known what love was like. i would also have never known how fun and exciting it is to be in love. it's so nice actually! to lie down with someone and just know they'll be there when you wake up and even if you do wake up in the middle of the night, you're safe with them. and no matter what you look like in the morning or how loud you snore or how stretched you are in bed, you are loved by this person next to you. and they chose to sleep with you too. to be as vulnerable as you are. and i loved that with rikko. we sleep together, we wake up in between sleep just to look for each other's cheeks, we shower together, we do weird shower dances, we have secret baby things, and a lot more things that you would think from here on meant forever. because these things, how could you ever try them again with someone else? because from where i am right now I HATE THE THOUGHT OF THOSE WITH ANYONE WHO'S NOT RIKKO. but stay with him for what? for what at this point? i'm not God. i'm just an anxious person with daddy issues who has enough money hunger and dreams plus a mom, aunts and 1 friend who loves rikko so much. i can't change him. and i shouldn't.

[johnbernsteinx]

First Date | Self-Para (not really)

Just a little throwback thread we did for John and Quinn’s (@quinn-hawthorne) first date. This can be backdated about exactly a year ago. 🤡

trigger warnings: mentions of alcoholism and drug addiction, nervous boys and some kissin’.

A date. It was probably a mistake to do this. Quinn didn’t do this. His last date was -- over seven years ago, and with the only person he’d ever wanted something serious with. It didn’t have to be a thing, and he knew that. Something casual, something just to try and ‘get back out there’ so to speak. Was it pathetic that Quinn’s only real dating history was with Lara? Even when they hadn’t been together in nearly a decade? He was sure it was getting there. But, this, this was good, right? John was good looking, sweet, and he hadn’t refused the date. He could take that as enough. Maybe this would be a one time thing, that was okay. He didn’t expect much out of himself, figuring that John would realize quickly that this was a mistake, that he didn’t want to even speak to Quinn again, and he had to be okay with that. He liked John, though, he’d become a friend over the past few months, niceties turned into light flirting, and now here they were.

Quinn sat across from John, trying to cover up his nerves, or uncertainty. It was just dinner, fuck, that didn’t need to be a big deal. When the waiter came to the table, handing the drink menu to Quinn before starting to go over it, Quinn offered it up to John, an uncomfortable smile crossing his features as he did. “I’ll just have a water, thanks,” he told the waiter once he’d gone over probably too many drinks for Quinn’s own good, suddenly feeling sheepish at having made the poor guy go over the list. “But, please,” he waved a hand toward John, his eyes meeting the other man’s from across the table. “Anything you want. Don’t feel like you can’t.”

__

John wasn’t sure if he could remember the last time he’d felt as nervous as he did that night. After spending an embarrassing amount of time getting ready – more than he’d ever like to admit – he’d finally decided on an outfit and it was then when he allowed himself a moment to process what was even happening. Quinn asking him out had come as a surprise. A welcome one, but a surprise nonetheless. They got along well, John knew that and maybe their friendly banter had turned into something that came close to some teasing but with how long he’d been out of the dating game, John almost felt like he had to relearn the first steps. His last real date had been years ago. There’d been one or two in the meantime but they barely mattered, considering they ended in him never seeing the person in question ever again. Maybe that was just something John had been cursed with – an inability to keep someone interested or maybe he was being too oblivious – the same way he’d been with Quinn up until now.

He hadn’t expected Quinn to be interested in him that way. He hadn’t even considered that he could be and yet, here he was, sitting in a dimly lit restaurant across from the other man, his nerves leaving him a little shaky and unfocused as he reached up to fix his glasses and cleared his throat – a nervous habit he couldn’t quite seem to shake. Quinn had been nothing but nice to him ever since they’d met. Kind and handsome, a little dorky in a way John found endearing but now, he couldn’t help but go over the advances he might’ve missed. The hints and the flirting he registered as Quinn being friendly. It made him feel a little stupid but he was snapped out of his thoughts when a waiter came by, a hint of surprise glimmering in his dark eyes when he accepted the card with a quiet thank you. His order caught him off-guard and maybe he’d imagined the slight discomfort on the other man’s features but he couldn’t help the way his brows pulled together. “Oh! Uh…,” he trailed off, eyes scanning over the menu as his hand lifted to touch his glasses again before he could stop himself and John met Quinn’s eyes momentarily before looking over to the waiter. “For me, too – thank you,” he said politely, waiting for him to walk off before he tilted his head, a curious smile on his lips. “You don’t drink?”

__

It had been a long time that Quinn had started flirting with John before he thought the other man had even picked up on it fully. Nothing crass, just little things. He wondered how much coffee he’d brought John as a means of trying to win his favor without John even realizing just what he was doing. But, it didn’t matter, not really. He had finally gotten some courage to ask, half expecting a no, of course it would have been gentle, kind and sweet. Or maybe John was just too nice to say no outright. Either way, he figured this would wind up being good practice, maybe go on dates with other people when this inevitably went wrong. Especially with John looking just as put together, and handsome as he’d ever seen the other man. He’d tried, dressed up and cleaned up from his normal look, something that he rarely ever broke out, preferring something more comfortable than the jacket and slacks he’d settled on.

What he hadn’t totally expected was the slip and the tell so quickly. He didn’t drink, he was sober, and that wasn’t a fact he was ashamed of. It just didn’t exactly scream first date conversation. But, John didn’t seem bothered by the idea of Quinn not drinking, maybe he thought it was simply that whole ‘clean living’ that vegans or whatever did, not the same clean living he did. “Oh, um,” Quinn’s eyes went wide, paling a little under this sort of attention. “No, I don’t,” he admitted. “I’ve been sober for like seven years now. It’s not a big deal, just a part of my life.” He smiled over to John, waving a dismissive hand to his own words, as if trying to further convince him it was just that. Not a big deal. “Seriously, though, if you want some wine or something, I don’t mind. I’d hate to make you feel like you can’t.” He picked up the menu, his eyes giving it a once over, before glancing back up at John. He was honestly desperate to change the conversation. “Um, so have you been here before? I came once a long time ago, and they have this chicken and artichoke dish that I still think about all the time. I’ve tried to figure out the recipe at home and can’t quite crack it.”

__

It wasn’t often that John felt stupid but the more he thought about it, the more sense Quinn’s visits at the gallery started to make. Granted, he’d been surprised whenever he showed up, bringing him coffee and taking the time out of his day to have a chat with him – which John had written off as a friendly gesture. It was like he needed to be hit over the head with it before he realized, not used to the attention and the idea of someone being even remotely interested in him that way. The concept seemed almost foreign and frankly, quite ridiculous to him. John had never considered himself all that special or desirable for that matter so as much as he wanted to find validation in Quinn taking the first step, he was also sure that if he allowed him to get to know him better, he’d soon realize he could have literally anyone else. He wasn’t good at this after all – at being flirty and charming, let alone impressing someone. John had been so sure he’d stay single forever, the same way he had for the past decade – which sounded worse when he thought about it but it was true after all.

Tonight though, John tried not to focus on his flaws and insecurities but on Quinn and the way he looked like he’d made an effort for him – which had made him smile to himself subtly. It had been unexpected but this didn’t have to be a big deal, right? It was just dinner, he reminded himself. Taking in the other man’s reaction, John’s own eyes widened – had he overstepped? God, he was so out of his comfort zone but he tilted his head casually, listening as his features shifted faintly. There was no hint of judgement though, merely surprise. “Oh! Wow – that’s…,” he trailed off, a smile tugging on his lips, “that’s great, Quinn. Seven years is a long time!” John told him genuinely, not having expected the answer. Quinn was in good shape, so he’d expected it to be a dietary restriction but he figured that it was a good sign that Quinn was honest about it right away, without trying to lie about it. He’d rather know about it than push him to have a drink after all. His lips remained curved into a gentle smile and he simply shook his head. “I don’t mind either! I like wine but I also like water,” John teased, appreciating the offer. “So – we can both just stay sober tonight,” he added with a raised brow before their conversation shifted. John couldn’t deny that he had questions but he’d also picked up on the way Quinn was trying not to dwell, so he wouldn’t. An intrigued expression settled on John’s features as he gave a nod. “Only a few times but it’s been a while for me, too.” He left out the detail that a restaurant like this felt a little intimidating when you went there on your own or merely a friend. “That sounds incredible though,” John mused, a smile washing over him. “I am a terrible cook so I can’t say I could or would ever make it myself but kudos to you for even trying! I’m sure the outcome wasn’t all that terrible though, right?”

__

At John’s reaction, Quinn relaxed a little bit. Something like that wasn’t exactly easy news to hear, or break to someone on a first date. Wasn’t it some sort of red flag or something? But, John was supportive, nice, and it made the tension in his shoulders disappear. They would at least be able to enjoy the rest of their dinner, some of the heavy shit out of the way. “Thanks,” he said, smiling at John, laughing off his own nerves. John was willing to stay sober, to not drink around him and that brought a relief he hadn’t been expecting. “It’s fine, but thank you. For respecting that, even though you don’t have to.” He cleared his throat, before he shifted the discussion. He figured there were plenty of questions, there always were, but he wasn’t ready for that. He’d been honest, given enough tonight. He wanted to focus on the other, on John and getting to know him, not dwell on his own fucking problems.

The question felt empty, low effort and maybe it was, something to just shift the conversation. But, Quinn nodded at their shared lack of frequency to the place. His face twisted in disbelief at the comment, laughing lightly. “You can’t?” The question didn’t come out mockingly, only a curious surprise behind the words. “You seem like someone who can cook, you got that whole important art world vibe. Figured you’re out there making fancy dishes all the time.” Quinn shook his head though. “The first couple batches when I was teaching myself to cook were not great, but they’ve gotten better.” He had finally put his menu back down, his eyes settling on the other man. “Really though, either I’m misremembering the dish or they’ve got some kind of secret ingredient in there I just can’t figure out.”

__

For John, it hadn’t even been a question of whether or not he’d respect this newly discovered piece of information. The idea didn’t put him off, let alone scare him – considering that Quinn had managed to stay sober for that long was a testament to how much he wanted to keep himself out of trouble and John felt like he’d be an asshole if he considered that a deal breaker. If this date was to lead to another or anything other than the way they had been all this time. He wasn’t sure if he had any expectations – not so much because of Quinn but because of himself. The man had no idea how to do this. How to seem alluring and attractive to anyone, really but either way and his nerves aside, this felt like it could just be a nice evening over dinner and a little less small talk. “Of course,” John was quick to assure, clearing his throat almost at the same time as Quinn – which made him laugh softly, his head shaking lightly. They were both nervous, John could tell but the only reason they were was because this felt a little more official. A little more like a hit or miss. “Thank you for telling me,” John replied. “Even though you didn’t have to,” he teased, a half-grin spreading across his lips.

They were warming up to the idea of this being a date, John was sure of it because the conversation felt a lot like testing the waters and yet, he was eager to get to know Quinn more. Granted, they’d been talking for a while, had shared a few bits here and there but never like this. They rarely dug deeper. Another laugh escaped him at how genuinely surprised Quinn seemed and he shook his head repeatedly as he went on. “Oh – god, no. I’m glad I can get away with pretending like I know what I’m doing but I’m really more of a takeout guy. I like a greasy pizza or Chinese,” he admitted, pulling a face. “The only thing I can make are pancakes and eggs. Maybe pasta…if I have some help with the sauce,” he half-joked. “So, no – my culinary experience has nothing on my expertise when it comes to art.” There was a spark of amusement settling in his eyes – a hint of surprise that this was the read Quinn had on him. “Well…,” John said, looking around for a moment before finding the other man’s eyes. “There’s only one way to find out tonight! A new chance if you will and maybe I can even be of help.”

__

There were so many things in Quinn’s past he figured would be a red flag, Hell, maybe some of those things should be. Even the admission of a drinking problem, being sober now was a big one. John was kind, though. He knew there was plenty more to tell, plenty that might turn the other man away. That could wait. If it went poorly tonight, why explain another addiction when he didn’t have to? This one came naturally. The other, that could live in peace and in his past for now. Something he could worry about if this did go anywhere. He met John’s smile, and nodded. “Felt like you deserved to know,” he said, shifting in his seat, trying to hide his discomfort. He leaned forward, his elbows coming to rest on the table gently, looking the other man over once more. An innocent gaze, taking in just how the other looked. Quinn wasn’t used to this kind of effort, it’d been a long time since he’d had to. But, John seemed to be in that state easily. Handsome, soft and comfortable. It made Quinn feel at ease with him normally, a way he didn’t usually feel with the Goldfinch folks.

But, tonight was a different feeling than at the gallery when Quinn stopped in. That was obvious going into this. He wondered if he should have done something a little more casual, a little more easy going for them to start, but this seemed like it would have been more John’s style. A nicer meal, a nicer place. John seemed like he was far from Quinn’s standard Docks comfort. Though, as he spoke, it was almost a relief, easy and something far more sustainable for Quinn if this went anywhere. “Greasy pizza and Chinese takeout are a staple,” he laughed, trying to reassure John that that was completely acceptable. “I’m terrible with pancakes, I really can never get them right. Oh, I’ve got the sauce down, I can follow a recipe pretty well, I got you.” He grinned for a moment, before suddenly feeling a little bold at assuming there would be even a teasing chance there would be a chance of that. But, when John leaned in to offer his help, as if they were sharing a secret, Quinn’s smile only settled further, relaxed and comfortable. “I may need your help, you’re going to have fresh taste on this. I’m sure we can figure it out and give this place a run for their money when we do.”

It was then that the waiter brought their waters, setting them down in front of each of them, as well as setting a small basket of bread between them. Quinn settled back into his chair and gave him a Thanks.

“Are you ready to order?” the waiter asked, and Quinn looked to John, for his approval. “If you are.”

__

While a part of John wanted to know more already, the curiosity being a natural reaction rather than a need to test Quinn, he could tell that this was venturing into something too heavy for a first date. Either way, he appreciated the honesty and was sure that he’d be able to navigate it better now – knowing better than to offer Quinn anything alcoholic or ask him to get drinks if there’d be more dates to come – though he felt like maybe that thought was just him being a little too eager so he filed it back for another time. His features softened at the casual words and yet, they felt genuine. “I appreciate it,” John told him gently, adjusting to Quinn’s wish to move on from it even without him having to voice it. He could feel the other man’s eyes on him and for a moment, John tried not to get self-conscious about it. It had been a while since anyone had taken an interest in him that way but instead of judging him, Quinn seemed to just take him in - observing. His eyes averted for a moment, yet a soft smile remained as he reached up to fix his glasses, clearing his throat before daring to meet Quinn’s eyes once more.

It was interesting to see how their energy shifted – how suddenly all those gestures got a different meaning, how the stolen glances and nervous laughs suddenly made sense. John felt a little silly now, having filed them away as nothing but Quinn being friendly towards him. The place Quinn had chosen for them felt much more official. Like anyone would expect a date but truth be told – John had never cared much about prestige. He liked nice things. Extraordinary things. Expensive things. But he never expected them for himself. He’d been a little surprised at Quinn’s choice but he enjoyed the atmosphere – the dim light and soft background noises. He was also well aware of how people saw him, dressed in more formal attire, some of his clothes sporting the tag of well-known designers, all while standing in front of paintings that sold for horrendous amounts of money but that only made it more fun for John. The man loved the surprised looks he got when he shared his preference for fast food. His love for trash tv and being outdoors. A relieved laugh escaped John in return and he gave a hum in appreciation. “Thank god because they definitely are in my household and always have been,” he admitted with a grin before he tilted his head, prominent brows raising in surprise at the boldness of Quinn’s statement but he liked the confidence – or maybe the reassurance that he hadn’t messed up just yet. “See? I’d say that makes for a good balance.” His lips twitched into a half-smile. “You got the sauce down, I got the pancakes – it’d be a well-divided team effort because I for one am a hopeless case,” he joked, mirroring Quinn’s grin before looking down to where his hands were folded in front of him, resting against the table where he toyed with one of the rings decorating his fingers. It caught him off-guard just how easy it was to allow himself to flirt a little, to tease the other man with each of them playing along. Another laugh escaped and he was quick to nod. “Gladly! I’ll do my very best. Not that I got a very acquired palate but I can give it a try.”

Once their waters arrived, John’s attention shifted momentarily to thank the waiter as well but his eyes were quick to focus back on his date. “I think I am – go right ahead, though I am very curious about that artichoke chicken dish now.”

__

Maybe this had been a long time coming, too long, really. It’d been months since they’d met, started getting to know each other and developing a friendship. It’d been months since Quinn had started flirting, even, but it only seemed like it was a matter of days since he even realized John was receptive, before he was bold enough to ask the other man out. John seemed too good for someone like Quinn, and he felt lucky that the other man gave him the time of day at all. The restaurant had made sense when he’d planned it, something nice, an attempt to step into John’s world a little more, but for as uncomfortable as he’d been, and knowing that John was a little more laidback than he’d expected he suddenly wished they were chatting over a pizza. It seemed like it was easier to talk that way, casual, low pressure. The only reassurance he gave himself was that even if John was more relaxed than this offered, there was no confusion on Quinn’s interest. John deserved a nice dinner, something special, even if this didn’t go anywhere. John’s words following his own, though, an idea that there would be another time even so early on in the evening only pulled his face into a smirk, relieved and interested in that prospect however it came about. “Balance like that is always good to have.”

His eyes wandered down to John’s hands, taking in the rings, and how John fidgeted with them. It was almost comforting to know that John seemed just as nervous as Quinn felt. It didn’t seem to make sense why anyone would be quite so nervous with him, but it made it easier to just be there with no regrets to name. When John ordered, Quinn nodded, giving John another smile. “I’ll have the same.” The waiter confirmed softly, as he took their menus, and walked back to the kitchen.

Quinn’s attention never fully left John, his eyes drifting down to his own hands, to the other tables only momentarily, but John held onto it. “So,” he said, reaching for a piece of bread from the basket. “I don’t know that I’ve ever asked. But, where are you from?” It seemed like a silly question, one Quinn never asked people if he knew they weren’t townies like him. “I mean, you’re not originally from Crescent Harbor, right? A small town like this everyone knows a little about everyone. And I’ll be honest, I don’t know that I know anything other than the bits you’ve already told me.”

__

John knew that he was obvious when it came down to his nerves but one thing he was sure Quinn had already learned was that he wasn’t good at concealing how he felt. He knew he was expressive, his features never quite allowing him to be subtle and even his quirks gave him away. The way he cleared his throat, the way he played with his rings and reached up a little too often to fix his glasses – they were all indicators for how nervous he truly was. He knew he had no reason to, did he? Quinn wasn’t a stranger at this point and he did feel comfortable but maybe the more official part of it all, the less casual way of having a coffee together or chatting within the safety that was the gallery or running into each other at random caused all this to shift a little. Not that John minded – in fact, he was relieved. He’d wondered before, of course he had but he hadn’t expected Quinn to be interested. It was like they lived in different worlds entirely but never in a bad way, they had enough common interests but John knew that depending on what neighborhood you lived in, the town already had a certain picture of you and John barely occupied the docks the same way he assumed Quinn didn’t necessarily wander around Goldfinch much.

Once they’d ordered, John smiled lightly. “Time to find out what the missing ingredient is, hm?” He joked, yet he was entirely serious before his brows raised almost immediately, his focus entirely on Quinn again as he reached for his glass of water, taking a first sip as he listened, chuckling at the rather random yet basic question. “Oh god – now that I think about it, I probably only told you that I moved from Seattle but no, I’m not even from the area. I’m Canadian. I was born and raised in Toronto,” he shared, shaking his head. “If I’ve learned one thing so far having lived here for the past few years, it’s that you learn to spot newbies quickly,” John added with a chuckle. “You’re bound to keep running into each other if you’re actually located here, I think. At least that’s what keeps happening to me and well – kept happening to us, no?” His head tilted slightly, lips curving in slight amusement. “I’d be happy to change that though. What else would you like to know? I’m an open book,” he said, opening his palms as if to make a point, leaning back in his seat a little.

__

Quinn sometimes felt out of his depth with John, maybe he’d made the man too complex in his mind, but with the confirmation that John had not only lived in Seattle, but was from somewhere else entirely seemed almost intimidating. “Wow,” the word fell from his mouth on instinct. “And you settled on here?” he asked, more teasing than anything. “I remember going into Seattle when I was younger and just thinking that was where I wanted to go.” He smiled. “Wild to think a guy used to big cities would want to be here of all places.” Quinn took a sip of his own water, pondering over John’s own teasing question, kept happening to us, no? Quinn desperately tried to hide the laugh that bubbled in his chest, and the way he suddenly felt restless in his seat. “Oh, yeah. Running into each other so much, you’d think one of us was into the other. Unavoidable hazard of a small town, what can I say?” he teased back.

Quinn bit into the bread, and thought over his questions as he chewed, easing back into his chair a bit. “What did draw you here? I mean, I know I don’t know a whole lot about art, but I can’t imagine the scene here is exactly something to jump at compared to the city.” He didn’t tack on that he was glad it had brought the other man here, that they’d met and he could have some kind of casual flirt, a date, and wherever it ended up leading to, with someone who didn’t know him before, someone who had a cleaner image of him than anyone else in town. “Though, I’m sure the gallery is looking better now that someone who’s seen more of the art scene other places is running it.”

__

While John barely aligned with the image of him that seemed to live in Quinn’s mind, he was happy to share more about himself and shape it to something that felt a little more authentic instead. He knew what kind of impression he left, what he came across as but John truly wasn’t as stuck up and pretentious as his occupation and overall demeanor made it seem. Quinn’s reaction made him laugh – he could tell it was genuine but he was quick to nod. “I did! And have done so for the past…,” he pondered, pulling his lower lip between his teeth as he squinted, “six years? So it’s safe to say it was a rather final choice,” the man added, humming in understanding. He could see the appeal and maybe he looked at it from a different perspective considering that big cities were all he’d known before. “I like it,” John admitted with an almost shy smile. “Don’t get me wrong, I loved traveling before I settled here but…so far I like living smaller if you will,” he explained. “The anonymity can have its perks but it never quite felt like home.” At his teasing, John let out another small laugh, his eyes sparkling with amusement as he looked back at Quinn, finally allowing himself to let his eyes linger for a moment as well. “Well, luckily one of us had the guts to finally step it up,” he joked in return, tilting his head. “In case you haven’t been able to figure that out yet, I’m not all that good with picking up on these things. I blame everyone around here being too friendly towards me.”

The amused smile remained on John’s lips and he reached for a piece of bread himself, his appetite suddenly making itself known but he’d been too lost in their conversation to realize until now. “That was exactly what drew me to Crescent,” he admitted. “Not that I ever planned on staying for as long as I had – I knew I wanted to live in a small town at some point and I came here for a trip on a weekend and fell in love with it. I learned that they had a position opening up for curation at the gallery and well…I gave myself a year but sometimes life just takes a turn that way,” he explained with a subtle shrug. “I worked in bigger galleries than this – not that that’s hard to do,” he chuckled, shaking his head before he continued, “but it had a certain charm to it, one I haven’t seen before. The art world can be…,” he trailed off, sighing as he tried to find a word, a brow raising before he leaned in slightly. “It can be a little pretentious sometimes. A little fake even and this felt more sincere to me. A gallery displaying art made by and for locals,” he concluded before his eyes averted bashfully at the compliment, his head tilting slightly. “Thank you. I’d hope so…otherwise I’d be very bad at my job,” he teased, taking another sip of water before clearing his throat. “What about you though? I know you’ve lived here for all your life, right? What made you stay?” He asked, popping a piece of bread into his mouth as dark eyes focused back on Quinn’s features.

__

His own gaze was filled with interest and amusement. Quinn knew that his time here was colored differently than someone like John. He didn’t hate Crescent Harbor, it had everything he needed, but there was plenty that he wanted to distance himself from, and he didn’t see what exactly drew anyone into the town. But, hearing John’s reasoning, he supposed he could understand it. Living smaller. Wasn’t that what Quinn had been doing in recent years? Simply trying not to be a burden anymore. “Smaller living, I get that.” He agreed with a nod. He listened as John spoke, genuinely interested and curious about not only what ended up bringing him here, but the small bits of his past that flitted in. He liked what John had to say, liked his reasons even if there were pieces of him that didn’t understand entirely. It made sense, to some degree, a sincerity to the town that certainly lived there, but that sincerity that Quinn himself knew hadn’t ever been a friend to him. He didn’t hold it against John, though, it was a new place to him, but the gentle insult to the pretentious and fakeness of bigger cities in John’s world at least help him understand a little more. “No, of course. It always looks great in there. You clearly know what you’re doing.”

The question to Quinn, though, was more complex, too heavy to answer naturally. He took another piece of bread, tearing a piece off and popping it into his mouth as he tried to find a simple way to say it. “I have,” he answered, swallowing the bite. “It just never worked out,” he said vaguely. “We stuck around when my son was born to get some help because me and my ex were just kids ourselves. But, she never left, and I can’t imagine leaving while he’s still growing up.” He gave John a soft smile. Talking about these things with John, on a date especially, felt strange. Mentioning Mason, Lara, all of it. He left the heavier shit, left out the mention of being broke, struggling with everything he had. John had pieces of his past that he was sure could grant a little insight. That seemed like enough. “Plus, at this point, I’m in my 30s and never really went anywhere. It’s hard to see myself not here. I think it’s just where I’m supposed to be. If that makes sense.”

__

It felt good – diving into the details a little more now that the two of them had the chance to. John had known Quinn for a few months now but right now it felt like they’d barely known each other at all. They’d kept their conversations light and casual, flirty, now that John reflected back but he’d never minded it. If anything, that was the point of exploring this, right? To get a feel for one another. For whether or not this one date would lead to another or even several more – not that John would get ahead of himself like that just yet. He smiled, nodding. It was a strange concept to think that while those who’d been born and raised here wanted to leave, yet he’d actively chosen to stay later on in his life. Granted, Quinn couldn’t know all the things that had led up to this moment and John wasn’t sure if it was the kind of thing to share over dinner. Yet, he was sharing more than he had without feeling like Quinn was judging him at all, if anything he was listening to him – showing genuine interest – and that alone was enough to reassure the man. “Thank you,” John repeated sincerely, a smile splaying across the curve of his lips.

As he mirrored the question back to him, John could sense the slight hesitation, nodding softly as the other man spoke. His son. How could he have forgotten about that? It was still a foreign concept to him – being a father. Having that kind of responsibility and it was then when he realized he’d never asked further. All Quinn had shared was that he had a son, hinting at the fact that his mother and him were no longer together so he nodded. “That makes perfect sense. I imagine it to be much harder to move when you want to be close to your child – that’s a good thing though, not everyone sticks around,” he said and maybe that was his own biography speaking but he let out a gentle breath instead, looking back at Quinn. “How old is your son now?” He asked curiously, his tone non-judgmental as he took another bite of his bread and another sip of his water. He didn’t mind the topic, let alone the fact that the other man had a kid. It wasn’t a dealbreaker to him – if this was to get any more serious that was. Chuckling, John shook his head. “I mean, I moved to Washington when I was just about thirty so…,” he joked, a teasing grin on his lips. “It’s never too late for new beginnings in my book but I do think that makes sense. I probably would’ve moved back to Toronto myself had I not gotten so attached.” It was then when their food arrived, interrupting their conversation briefly but John’s attention stayed focused on Quinn, merely straying to thank the waiter and shift in his seat. “But – here we are,” John added finally, a content smile gracing his lips.

__

Quinn felt a small pang at John’s words. The mention that not everyone stuck around was not meant to be pointed, maybe something personal but not at Quinn. It wasn’t the time to bring up all the bad, that was something they’d deal with down the road if that was where this went. “I do my best. I want to make sure he’s got a good support system.” He took a sip of his water, and slightly paled at the question as he thought about it. “He’s fifteen, just turned this past September. Starting high school and everything. Which makes me feel old as Hell,” he said with a laugh. Mason was a piece he never felt a hint of shame on, his only regrets surrounding it were in regards to himself. He was proud of Mason, even if he hadn’t played as positive of a role until the past few years. “He’s a good kid. Way better than I was at his age.” He was relieved once more, though, that John didn’t seem judgmental. He knew that he’d mentioned Mason in passing, but it was hardly an unusual thing if Mason had been younger, but having a kid when you weren’t even out of high school wasn’t exactly a shining badge to wear.

Their food arriving was a welcome interruption. He didn’t exactly think about leaving often anymore, more accepting the permanent stay in Crescent Harbor. It was fine, he’d accepted it plenty of years ago. But, John was kind, as always, giving him a level of support on something that barely ever crossed his mind anymore. He thanked the waiter, before his gaze moved back to John, meeting his smile. “Here we are,” he echoed. “And now you’re roped into helping me steal their recipe. I hope you’re ready for this important job,” he said, his tone teasing and soft. It was easy, their meal and their conversations stayed comfortable, that initial nervousness had practically disappeared by the time their food was in front of them. Whatever this was leading to, Quinn wanted that. He liked John. It didn’t have to be serious, but looking over at John, he wanted something. John had humored him along the way, and was sweet and understanding every step of it.

By the time they were finished, Quinn still wasn’t exactly sure what this all would end up amounting to. The waiter swung by with the bill, Quinn was quick to slip his card in and hand it back, his face still grinning across the table at the other man, making polite chit chat as he waited for the waiter to return, this time, signing the receipt and leaving his tip. He peered over at John, once more, not exactly wanting to end the night yet. Only giving himself a reassurance that they would likely do this again. “Are you ready?” he asked. “I don’t want to take up your whole night,” he said, smiling.

__

“If it makes you feel old, then what does that make me?” John teased, his words never anything but teasing as he grinned and his features softened. “I’m glad to hear that. And I’m sure it wasn’t easy raising a child being so young but I think it says a lot about you that you stayed – you must be so proud,” he said, eager to talk about this as casually as they could. He didn’t want this to be weird or too personal but his words were genuine. John was sure that now wasn’t the time to share more about his own experience but he was convinced Quinn was a good man. He had to be if he never left the town despite wanting to in order to be closer to his kid.

A laugh escaped and John covered his mouth subtly, as if they were sharing a secret once again. “Does this count as a crime if it’s for personal use only? Because this smells delicious and if you’re as good in the kitchen as you claim to be, I’ll be even happier to help if it means I get to eat this again,” he teased, only half-joking now that he was feeling a little bolder about his flirting. This felt good and easy enough – maybe John wasn’t as rusty as he’d thought he’d be or maybe the person he was on a date with being Quinn made it that much easier. It felt familiar enough and their gentle teasing and joking around caused every ounce of tension to fade.

As the evening carried on though, John was starting to feel restless all over again. He didn’t want it to end, let alone did he want this the last time they did this. He wasn’t sure what it was about Quinn but there was something and a part of him felt ready to allow himself to explore it. After having been single for years, John had come to peace with this just not being in the books for him but with Quinn being ever so charming and funny and kind towards him, that thought seemed to melt away. A part of him wanted to complain about him paying for him but he accepted it in the end, watching Quinn do so as if it was the most natural thing in the world but John didn’t take it for granted. Looking him over, John couldn’t help but laugh softly at the way they both couldn’t quite seem to get themselves to get up and get moving – as If neither of them wanted to let that night end just yet. “I am, thank you,” he told him before snorting and giving a fond roll of his eyes. “You say that like I’m ready to bail when really, this has been the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I’m having a great time, Quinn. You’re not taking up my night at all.” With that, John pushed his chair back though, letting out a breath as he got up hesitatingly.

__

“I’m having a great time too,” he said, a relaxed smile resting comfortably on Quinn’s face. Quinn followed John’s movement, pushing his chair out, and getting up. He didn’t want to end dinner, didn’t want to end their night. It felt too bold to ask him back to his place, didn’t want to push or assume. It was certainly something he wanted to do again, and extending the night to either of their places could come along with that. He’d never really dated, Lara was the only one he’d had anything serious with, or even a formal date with, and that had been years ago. But, it felt easy with John, a comfort from their budding friendship before all of this. Still, he wasn’t sure what the next moves were. He just tried to read the other man, tried to figure out just what was appropriate to ask. He sidled up next to John as they made their way out. His hand slipped into John’s, a gentle touch as they walked together.

As soon as they were out, back to John’s car, Quinn finally dropped the other man’s hand. Even for the short time, the loss of John’s hand felt weighty. He made his way to the other side of the car, and slid into the passenger seat. “I had a really great time tonight,” he said, his eyes looking over to John. “I know you said I’m not taking up your time, but I still stand by it. I’d still be up for something else, but I don’t want you to get sick of me just in one night,” he joked. “I’m hoping we can do this again, you know?”

__

The confirmation caused a grin to break out on John’s features. It should’ve been ridiculous because he could tell they were getting along and enjoying each other’s company and yet, he had the audacity to question it up until Quinn’s reassurance. Yet, it was then when John started to feel a little lost. Was this the end of their date already? He didn’t want it to be if he was honest to himself but he also wasn’t sure what the next step could be. He felt drawn to Quinn, his eyes constantly on him and as unfamiliar of a feeling as that was by now, after years of not really taking interest in anyone that way, John felt almost a little overwhelmed. John had never been the type to date around or sleep around for that matter. He’d made his fair share of experiences but if those had made him realize one thing, it was that sometimes you should trust your gut and with Quinn, there was nothing that alarmed him. Quite the opposite – he found it hard not to hope for more, yet he tried not to just yet. A gentle smile tugged on his lips when Quinn was bold enough to step into his personal space – not in a way that felt overwhelming but welcome and when his hand sought out his, John was surprised at the sudden touch but let his own fingers interlace with Quinn’s for a moment. They could unpack that later – he was sure of it. Right now, John merely let himself enjoy the connection, the way it made his heart beat a little faster and made his skin warm up.

John almost immediately missed the touch he’d not known for what must’ve been years and a part of him wanted to reach out again, keep them connected but he didn’t want to make this weird or overwhelming for either of them so he merely smiled back at Quinn and slipped into his car wordlessly. “I did, too,” he told Quinn genuinely, his eyes finding Quinn’s in the dim light of the parking lot illuminating the inside of his car. A genuine laugh escaped him and he shook his head. “I don’t think that’s possible…,” he said softly before falling silent for a moment. “Thank you,” John added. “For taking me out tonight and treating me to a nice dinner,” he told him. “I haven’t been on a date in quite some time and to say I was nervous would be an understatement but – you made it very easy to enjoy myself. Truth be told, I don’t really want it to end just yet so I also stand by the fact that you’re not taking up my time at all. I have no other plans tonight for a change so…,” he joked, trailing off with a grin. “I’m usually very busy watching TV at this hour but I’m open for suggestions.” With that, John started the engine but his eyes wandered back to Quinn for another moment. “I’d love to do this again, too, though. Whenever you’d like.”

__

Everything John said took away the tension that had come to reside in Quinn’s shoulders. The uncertainty if he’d misread the situation or had been alone in enjoying himself. It had just been dinner, it shouldn't have pulled him like this, made him want more so quickly. Yet, he did. He could suggest going and grabbing a coffee, going for a walk, something but his mind was suddenly blank, staring at the other man, engrossed in him. His face met John’s smile, and he shook his head. “It’s been a long time for me,” he admitted. “You definitely made it easy to shake the dust off.” He laughed lightly along with the man. TV was usually where he found himself as well, but compared to John’s company it lost its appeal.

The engine came to life, the warm glow of the street lights outside trading for the cool of the lights inside the car. His eyes met John’s once more, the confirmation of doing this again echoed in his ear for a long moment. A smile creeping over his features, before his eyes trailed down absently, landing on the other man’s lips. It was without any other hesitation that he was leaning in, pressing his lips to John’s. His hand coming to rest against the other man’s jaw to draw him in. Nothing urgent or rough. And over far too quickly. He pulled away, his eyes flirting open to meet John’s once more, taking in the warmth of his dark brown eyes. He wanted more, wanting to chase that as much as he could, but he held himself in place, smiling to John. His hand never left its home on the other man’s skin, simply slipping down against the warmth of his neck to rest his fingers gently. “I hope that was okay,” he said, a laugh framing his words.

__

The reassurance was all they’d needed for the last bit of uncertainty to fade away and John, for the first time in years, felt ready to let this happen. Quinn wasn’t a stranger after all. He’d proven to him that he was genuine – otherwise he wouldn’t have spent months talking to him, right? Again, John didn’t want to keep his hopes up but Quinn made it easy to forget the times in the past that had burned him and when he looked back at him, his eyes meeting a pair of warm blues, John couldn’t help but feel like he should lean in. Like there was some tension between them that was far off from the nervousness they’d radiated earlier that night. It had been just dinner but John already wanted to see Quinn again, even with him still right there in front of him. He chuckled softly, shaking his head. “That makes two of us then,” he said, the words once again calming him – they were in this together now.

The silence that settled for a moment didn’t feel awkward in the slightest but John didn’t miss the way Quinn’s eyes dropped and for a moment he wondered if he was making this up – if it was wishful thinking that he’d fixed on his lips for a little too long but suddenly, the other man was leaning in, his face right there and breath warm on his skin and John allowed himself to melt into it, meeting him for a chaste, gentle kiss – merely a press of lips and a tender brush of Quinn’s calloused fingertips against his jaw. John let out a shaky breath in surprise, his own eyes meeting Quinn’s as he let out a small chuckle. The touch against the side of his neck made his skin prickle and hairs rise as he held his glance and it was his turn to let his eyes linger on Quinn’s lips as he spoke, a laugh of his own escaping. “That was – yeah, god – no, that was completely okay,” he breathed and couldn’t help the broad grin that spread. “It was fine, actually,” John teased, meeting Quinn’s glance again as he bit his lip, pondering if it was okay to want more so soon already but he let himself take the leap and closed the distance once more, keeping their kiss light once again before he pulled away with a soft hum. “Definitely okay,” he laughed. “So – where to?”

__

When John met him for another kiss, Quinn didn’t want that one to end. It was light, and soft, something chaste and sweet just as it seemed like it should be so soon. Still, pulling away felt difficult. The touch and the affection felt foreign to him after going so long without, but it was welcome, and with John, it just left him wanting more. He could have pulled John in deeper, held him to the kiss for longer, and he wanted to, but it was too soon for that, wasn’t it? He let his hand drop from John’s neck, falling back to his side. He pulled away, the hum that escaped John left him reeling a little, his mind suddenly wandering over the noise. It only left him wanting more, wanting to hear more of that. He bit his lip, gentle and let it slip back out from his teeth with ease. He cleared his throat, an attempt at clearing his mind from where it had trailed off to.

At John’s question, Quinn hardly hesitated before responding. “We can go back to my place,” the words slipped out, sounding as casual as Quinn could muster. “I mean, for like coffee and maybe watch some TV,” he said, a gentle laugh floating the words. “If that’s what we’d be doing anyway, you know?” He didn’t want to overstep a boundary, didn’t want to overwhelm them both. He wasn’t exactly a casual hookup kind of guy, and he didn’t get that impression from John either. They were both grown men, they both knew where this could lead if John agreed, what Quinn tried not to imply. Nothing had to happen, it could stay innocent and they could just do exactly what Quinn had suggested if they really wanted to. His eyes didn’t stray from John’s though, even as he settled back into the seat, his head leaning back slightly against the headrest. “Or wherever you want, really. I’m good with anything.”

__

A part of John had wanted to linger, too – there was no denying that. There was no point in lying to himself and pretending like he didn’t want to deepen the kiss either, to keep Quinn close and see where it’d take them but he was thankful for the way Quinn seemed to understand. It was new for both of them – not entirely but John didn’t want to put too much pressure on them either. This didn’t have to be more or let alone physical. John enjoyed their conversations and now, as he’d discovered, he also enjoyed kissing Quinn. His brows raised almost immediately at Quinn’s suggestion but the smile that spread across his lips was amused, not at all put off by the idea. “Coffee and TV sound good – if you don’t mind me occupying more of your night,” John added, always checking in for their consent, trying to keep them on the same page even though Quinn had suggested it.

“I mean, that’d make sense, right? I’d literally just go home and do just that after dropping you off,” he admitted with a grin. John wasn’t naïve. Oblivious, yes but he’d picked up on their chemistry and the tension that was still building between them. Their kisses had left him wanting more and maybe, just maybe, he was hoping for it to turn into more kisses – ones that lasted longer than the pecks they’d shared and maybe they’d allow themselves to let them grow deeper but before John could drift too far, he snapped himself out of it. He let out a deep breath – an attempt to ground himself. Was this a good idea? John had no idea just yet but it felt right, so why not go for it? With that last reassuring thought, John chuckled and started pulling out of the parking lot, looking over at Quinn briefly. “You’ll have to navigate me,” he declared, once again confirming that going home with Quinn was more than good with him.

__

“Not at all,” Quinn confirmed. “I’m more than okay with you occupying my night.” It wasn’t needed, but Quinn appreciated the check in. As John rambled on, Quinn just nodded, doing his best to hide the teasing grin that threatened to take over his face. “Right,” he agreed. “It just makes the most sense. Neither one of us wants to go home and just watch TV alone, might as well just hang out together.” That was all that had to happen, Quinn assured himself. He wanted more, sure. The kisses they’d already shared were just enough to leave him wanting to turn that into more. It didn’t have to turn into an entire night, only going as far as they decided. Still, he wanted those soft, quick kisses to go deeper, longer, let them take over his brain for however long they could. Maybe if this was someone else, someone he had just met he would have been okay ending the night here, being dropped off and waiting to see them again before anything more. But, his interest in John had been lasting for months, and now with a successful dinner, and the seal broken on affection, he didn’t want to let the night end just like that.

John pulled out of the parking lot, and Quinn felt the tension build all over again, of what would come. He gave John directions, telling him where to turn, and when. Their conversation nearly dropped to zero as the two focused on the roads. The short drive in the small town felt too long. “Okay, the next driveway on your right is my place,” he said, pointing it out ahead of time for John to slow and pull in. As soon as they parked, Quinn looked over at John with a frown. “Make sure to lock your car. I know we’ll just be inside. But, I know it’s not really the best neighborhood.” Quinn let himself out of the car, pulling his keys out of his pocket. He waited for John to come around his side of the car, before heading up to the front door, and unlocking it. He switched on the light, and stepped inside, moving to let John in. “It’s not much, but please, make yourself comfortable.” He felt a little self conscious over the place. It wasn’t dirty, or messy, just the cheap thrifted furniture mismatched with the things he’d made himself set up around the place. Nothing seemed to match, not the TV stand he’d built to the cheap plaid couch that sat across from it in the living room. Not John and the rest of the room. “I’ll, um, put on a pot.”

__

John knew he didn’t have to ask Quinn again or make sure he was really okay with it – the kisses and invitation should’ve been more than enough confirmation but he couldn’t help it. A part of him still thought this was surreal, too good to be true because while John wasn’t someone for one night only types of things either, whether that was a date or something more, it felt safer with Quinn – he knew him and his interest felt more genuine. He wanted to continue seeing him after all, right? He grinned back at the other man when he reasoned their decision and nodded. “Exactly.” John didn’t expect anything to come out of this – he didn’t expect more but that didn’t mean he wasn’t hoping for it. Kissing Quinn had felt good already, sharing the gentle press of their lips together but he was itching for more, he could try to deny but the truth was that it had been a long time coming, whether he was just now realizing it or not.

They were silent, safe for the way Quinn navigated him to his home and once John parked the car, he looked over at the other man, giving a gentle nod. He was well aware of the reputation the neighborhood had but that didn’t taint the way he saw Quinn. “Got it,” he told him with a reassuring glance and got out as well, locking the car like the other man had advised him to before following him inside. It was then when the nerves seemed to set back in and the man let out a breath before looking around. John was quick to shake his head at the comment. “It’s your place,” he said. “So thank you for inviting me in,” he added. The place was tidy but it made John smile because it was almost like he’d imagined it to be. A little scattered. A little mismatched – he picked up on the fact that Quinn didn’t care much about the things he did like design or what color went with what if the plaid couch was any indication but John didn’t judge and his focus wasn’t so much on the interior anyways but his eyes followed the other man. “Yeah – okay,” he breathed. “Thank you,” John said again, shrugging off his coat before putting it away and without thinking twice about it, he followed Quinn – not wanting to be too far apart.

__

Quinn turned the corner into the kitchen, digging into cabinets for the coffee grounds. He was aware of John, almost too aware that the other man was staying close. Something he wanted, something that he was thrilled at the prospect of. He didn’t want coffee, not really, not now. He wanted to just sit with John, kiss him and embrace what this visit really was. He grabbed a coffee filter, and put it into the maker, scooping grounds into it. What did you say to someone you brought home when you weren’t trying to make it seem like you were interested only in a casual hookup, a one night thing? This was all new to Quinn, it was new to John too, and based on either of their shared quiet, neither of them was exactly sure. Because that wasn’t at all what he wanted. He filled the machine with water, finally leaving it so it could do the rest. He finally turned to John, a goofy smile taking over his face as he took the other man in. “Hi,” he said, the word feeling dumb as it slipped from his lips. “It’ll, um, it’ll be a few minutes. Old machine, takes a while.” Each word he spoke was punctuated by a step toward John, slow and encroaching into his space.

“So, we could, you know, find something to watch, or-” he cut himself off. His gaze trailed back to John’s lips, something he didn’t even try to hide. He didn’t know why he was pretending, really. He didn’t give John a chance to agree, or lead the two of them over to the couch. He leaned in, capturing John’s lips with his own. This kiss was something else from the last ones before they’d arrived. It wasn’t urgent or desperate, though both things were becoming more true of Quinn as they stood there. It was still soft, but one he didn’t pull away from, longer, only becoming deeper. His hand came back up, this time coming to rest comfortably in the crook of his neck, his fingers slipping into John’s hair, and letting the kiss last as long as he could. When he finally pulled away, he only did so far enough for his half-lidded eyes to meet John’s, staying close enough to feel the warmth of John’s breath land against his skin. “Or we can do that,” he breathed out, his lopsided grin ever present. “Whichever you’d prefer.”

__

John felt a little awkward – unable to help but also unable to occupy himself and how could he when his mind was already drifting. Instead, he watched Quinn, allowed himself a moment to see the other man in a different light. He’d always thought that he was attractive but maybe he’d stopped himself from unpacking just how attractive he thought he was. But now that he knew there was more to their friendship, despite not quite able to put a name on it, he let out a deep, inaudible breath, his mind racing with both the pros and cons of doing this. They were both grown adults – there was nothing stopping them from indulging in the newly found connection and yet, John was nervous. Nervous to find out what it’d do to the friendship they’d built. Nervous to find out what they’d miss out on if they didn’t explore further. He didn’t want this to seem like he’d had any ulterior motives agreeing to going home with Quinn – that hadn’t been the case. He’d felt drawn to him and wasn’t ready to stop spending time with him, that wasn’t a crime, was it? It was new and overwhelming – not something John had ever done or done a lot at least. He’d never been one to enjoy random hookups. Instead, he always sought out some kind of connection – one he definitely had with Quinn. A soft laugh escaped him when Quinn caught on to the way he’d been staying close, his eyes lingering. “Hey,” he breathed, shaking his head. “That’s okay,” he added, the breath knocking out of his lungs now that Quinn was in his space again – a tall, broad yet gentle presence and John wanted to reach out. He wanted to welcome him into that newly claimed space.

His brows raised with intrigue when suddenly Quinn’s eyes trailed down again and a knowing smile tugged on John’s lips. It was obvious that they both wanted this and John had a feeling that Quinn was holding back for the same reasons he was. A surprised gasp escaped when Quinn did in fact retain some of his boldness, kissing him again and this time, it wasn’t as chaste as their first or even their second one had been. Yet, John welcomed it and kissed him back almost immediately. His lips brushing against Quinn’s in a way that felt almost like he was testing it out, seeing how much deeper he could let this grow and for a moment, it was John’s turn to get bolder now. He parted his lips against Quinn’s lightly, sucking against his lower one as his eyes fluttered fully shut and there it was again, the gentle touch of Quinn’s hand against the side of his neck and his fingers sliding into his hair. A part of John screamed at him to stop, to not let this get further and yet, another part, the one that felt like taking a risk screamed to ignore it and to indulge for once after having denied him for so long. When they parted, John felt breathless, his own eyes heavy-lidded and dazed, his breath coming out hot against Quinn’s lips as he chuckled, his own hand coming up to cup Quinn’s jaw tenderly, his thumb brushing against his stubbly cheek before he leaned in for another quick kiss, hoping that’d answer his question. “I’m good with that if you are,” he whispered, searching for Quinn’s glance once again. “I mean…you said coffee will take a while, right?”

__

That was all it took. John’s matched boldness, sucking his bottom lip in, it was a confirmation that this was more than fine, more than accepted. But, when John followed Quinn’s offer with a kiss of his own in the space between, Quinn was ready to get a little more lost in it, happy to forget the pot of coffee he’d started. He didn’t say anything else, just dove back in, capturing John’s lips with his once more. The testing waters had been passed on this, his own lips parting against John’s, his tongue running against John’s lip, asking to be granted access. Finally deepening the kiss as soon as he could. His free hand came to rest on John’s hip, and pulled him gently, until they were pressed flush against each other. A contented hum was the first sound that escaped him other than breaths in what felt like hours, but had only been moments.

The only conscious thought that streamed through Quinn’s mind was a mental navigation of the small house. He started walking them back out from the kitchen, breaking the kiss once to find the couch, sitting down once in reach. There wasn’t a question posed this time, simply tugging the dark haired man back to him, only to wrap up into each other once more. His hands found their place once more, one trailing from his hip to move up his back. He trailed his lips from John’s moving along his jaw, and down to his neck, replacing the hand that had been resting there, as he focused his attention on the warm patch of skin. His efforts turning from kisses to sucking at his neck, never long enough in one place or bearing teeth to leave marks, just new brief boldness before he moved back, capturing John’s lips once more with his, this time full of hunger and urgency.

__

John was surprised at how easily he’d allowed himself to dive into this head first. How he was beyond holding back so quickly. Maybe it was the way Quinn made it seem so easy and so very welcome – maybe it was the residue of the tension that had built up over time. But now, with both of them close and eager to continue whatever this was and whatever it’d end up being, John couldn’t seem to care about the consequences. Not when Quinn seemed to take over in his mind, the softness of his lips and the gentle brushes clouding it and dissolving the nagging doubts, his insecurities and the only thing that mattered was getting more of Quinn’s touches. Of his kisses. Of his attention. A low hum vibrated in his chest when Quinn deepened the kiss even further now that John had given him the okay – the animation enough for him to get more daring and John was happy to go along with it, his own lips parting to meet Quinn’s tongue with his own as their kiss turned into something a lot less innocent. It was like they were running on autopilot now – the kisses and touches new and exciting, yet also weirdly familiar to John. Quinn felt safe that way and it was then when he gave in fully, a soft gasp escaping against Quinn’s lips when he pulled him closer, close enough to let their bodies align with ease. The low hum made John smile into the kiss and it made him feel confident enough in what he was doing to Quinn to let his own arms wrap around his middle, hands splaying against his back to keep him flush against him.

When Quinn started to relocate them, John went along with it right away. Walking with Quinn as they stayed connected and allowing the other man to take the lead. They didn’t talk – they didn’t have to. Their bodies did it for them as they barely left any space between them, only parting so they could get situated. When Quinn settled, John followed by letting him pull him into his lap. Breaking away with a soft gasp, John’s eyes flickered open to look down and into those stormy blues he’d been lingering on all night. It was then when he knew, deep down, that this was the last chance to back out. Mainly because he knew that he was already a goner – had already allowed himself to dive in too deep and there was no way he was going to want to stop. Quinn felt good against him, the warmth he radiated comfortable and safe and their bodies seemed to fit alongside one another almost perfectly, the slight height difference enough to give Quinn easy access to his neck and god – if John hadn’t been in trouble before, he most definitely was now. John hadn’t been touched like this in what felt like forever and the way Quinn kissed him felt both eager, yet tender – like he did care about him beneath the hunger and that alone put John’s mind at ease all over again. One of his own hands had found its way into Quinn’s hair, the other splayed against his shoulders when he let his head tip to the side with a content sigh. How Quinn had figured out just where to kiss and where to touch him so easily? John could worry about that later on but right now, he could feel his skin heat up and his body arch into Quinn’s. The gentle suction against his neck making him cling at Quinn’s shirt before he let their lips meet again in a kiss that allowed John to fall into this newly found pleasure, his body melting into Quinn’s as he finally let himself indulge in whatever this meant for them – it didn’t matter now, not when it felt like he was right where he was supposed to be that night.  

[saltyslack-toast]

#Knock The Book 2: The Devil All the Time

WELL, I MADE IT TO THE 2nd BOOK REVIEW OF MINE, MEANS THAT I’M A PASSIONATE AND PERSISTENT BITCH, PERIODT. No actually I’m just bored and got really nothing to do, so here I am making judgmental, invalid and uncritical book review just to ease my guilt for doing nothing at home (just so my mom see me working through my laptop).

Okay The Devil All the Time is actually my first English book. The story of how I got this book as a matter of fact is quite irritating and funny at the same time. My uni friend, she saw this book in a modest book bazaar near her hometown. She was reading the title and the word ‘devil’ just remind her of me, she bought it and just gave it straight to me…... I’m sad but like thankful???

It’s a secondhand and hardcover book but I don’t really mind, considering the fact that the quality is still very nice though, except the worn spots stained all over the cover that make the book looks very old. My friend bought this only for RP 25.000, yes dude you’re not misread this shit, it was THAT CHEAP (whoever sell and own this book before me, I really appreciate it). Although if you want to buy the new one, you can get this book for USD 26.95 which converted in rupiah would be RP 407.500, yeah its cost pretty fancy for broke students like us and I don’t know if the book’s supposed to be available in your local bookstore but I think you can find it in worldwide shipping online store like amazon or any other shop perhaps. The book’s cover illustrate a dying white mutt hanging on the ‘log’ and bunch of cross everywhere, the cover is actually make sense when you read the book. It published in 2011 by doubleday in United States of America. The Author is Donald Ray Pollock, and you can find the sum information about his background written on the cover, but based form the book’s cover you can also check his website in donaldraypollock.com but when I checked, I’m not sure if it’s really his website since it just like pest control website (LMAOO I HAD NO IDEA FR). Anyway,

Let’s go breaking down the book!

“… Too much religion could be as bad as too little, maybe even worse, but moderation was just not in her husband’s nature”

The whole story in this book, basically give you portraits regarding the life of lunatics in the time after WWII. Nope, there is no sums up about the events happened in that moment so chill y’all non-historical enthusiast bitches. This book gonna give you a bizarre experience reading it, the first 10 pages of this book was already psychedelic, I assure that shit. Have you watched Games of Thrones series on HBO? It’s chilling right how Ned Stark, the protagonist of the main series died in the first season???? EXACTLY that was the vibes u got after reading the first chapter and get crazier every time u read forward. By the way, this book embodied 7 chapters and 55 sub-chapters, the chapter in odd and even numbers has 2 different main focuses on each characteristic exist, here I sum it up for you:

On the odd numbers chapters (1, 3, and so on), the central story of these chapters is circling among the family of Willard Russel, his Mom Emma and Uncle Earskell and also those 2 insane peeps Roy Laferty and Theodore. Willard Russel used to be a navy army and a bit skeptical dealing with religion issues just like his uncle, but his mom has always been a devoted worshiper. Willard married to the beautiful and kind-hearted women named Charlotte and they was given a son named Arvin Eugene Russel, everything was normal until Charlotte got sick and Willard gone crazy praying to god for his wife’s recovery and poor little Arvin has to suffer the predicament by his own self. Their stories always give me religious-fanaticism-gloomy vibes (is that even make sense??). Don’t even get me started with the life stories of the two brutes-ass man, Roy Laferty and Theodore they were used to be ‘preacher’ in Emma and young Willard’s Church. Nothing I could say further because it’s gonna be a major spoiler for you, but their stories really giving you insights of how frustration and fanaticism allow people to do something beyond their common sense.

“You remember what I told you the other day?” He asked Arvin

“About the boys on the bus?,”

“Well, that’s what I meant, you just got to pick the right time”

On the even numbers chapters (2, 4, and so on), the main tales is pertaining on the journey of Handerson couple, Carl and Sandy. They were like the Bonnie and Clyde but sad and exploitative version in this book. Carl is a ‘photographer’ and sandy working as a waitress in a café called Wooden Spoon (Which the place where Charlotte used to work as a waitress and the place she met Willard for the first time as well). During summertime they got this ‘ritual’ ((but not in a religious way)) where they drive to different states and give a ride to the hitchhikers found on the way, then Carl forcefully offer them to fuck Sandy for free (HIS OWN WIFE) while he took pictures of them fucking and after that Carl kill them and take all the money those hitchhikers got in their pocket (dude I can’t even judge anything). But to be honest, I’m not a fan of these two characters because they were all so ANNOYING to death. And then there is Bodecker Lee who’s a police and also Sandy’s brother, ok that’s it, I’m not gonna give you any spoilers.

“… He went down the street and sat on a bench in a park the rest of the day thinking about killing himself instead. Something broke in him that day. For the first time he could see that his whole life added up to absolutely nothing…”

You might be confused since there are quite a lot of keen characters in this book but there’s a point where all these bitches are relating to each other, so chill y’all impatient gripe-ass. Overall, the flow of the story is undoubtedly interesting for you to keep going throughout the whole story, because every phase gonna make you wondering about next things happened to them. But, the transitions among every chapters is quite uncomfortable for me, because sometimes when the story has reached its climax there is no resolutions coming to solve the problem immediately, and you’re faced to read the new chapter with a whole different setting and characters so it’s kind of ruining the vibes and emotions the book has made me, but again this just my personal preference so please don’t judge (while everything I did right now is judging inaccurately).

“He realized that he would never preach again, but that was all right. He’d never been much good at it anyway. Most people just wanted to hear the cripple play”

However, what I like the most from this book is the deepening of every character exists is so fascinating, even for just the side or supporting character (for god sake I’m sorry idk what to called a character that isn’t the main one), for example a bus driver in Meade, Ohio which Willard talked to when he was on the way home after the war ended, the narration wrapped and portraits the driver’s life perfectly without make us bored, and there’s still a bunch of interesting narration about the life of the side characters in this book that also as odds and intriguing as the main character’s background (jesus, everything happened and everyone in this book is just so strange and peculiar I swear to god). The story finished in a most tragic-beautiful but still gloomy way, even though it’s quite predictable but still a very good closing for me personally. To be noted, on the way to the end of the story, there will be emerge another asshole priest character named Preston Teagardin, ready to shake you up until you finish the book. But still, let’s said this particular ‘last minute character’ has proving that the author is paying so much attention of how the story ended isn’t leaving any 'rush-made' impression (this shit might confused you I’m sorry my English hasn’t got any better *sorry hand sign* *sorry hand sign* *sorry hand sign*). # hashtag attention to the detail bro.

Holy crap, that’s the first time I’m almost able to cut all the bullshit I intend to bring it up here.

This book is one of my top 5 books that you have to read once in a life time (although I haven’t discover the other four, omg im sorry y’all). Little information for you that the first time I read this book (yeah I read it for quite few times) is when the campaign of presidential election era, which in Indonesia the religious are pretty sentimental issues, some of the people in my country suddenly became those annoying fanatical preachers, man I can’t stand it. And this book is just precisely relating to that condition and I get to know at least a glance of what the heck odds things happened in their minds, since you know fanaticism and stupidity doesn’t hit only on particular group of religions, race, gender or anything, we can all be stupid and brainless (especially me because I basically have no brain). There probably quite many scenes that is pretty disturbing to read (I don’t know if people could be triggered by it???? But I guess so) so yeah a bit warning. Overall, I genuinely recommend this book for you guys because every element in this book is almost perfect, the storylines, bold characters, and the RARE AND STRANGE AND SENSITIVE topic promote by the author in this novel is totally a BOOM. Don’t worry reading this book not going to give you those agnostic and atheist vibes HAHA chill I still consider myself a devoted Muslim tho (hashtag masyaallah ukthi).

By the way before I wrapped it up, I hear that this book will be made into a netflix film. WELL, of course I’m excited because the casts are so amazing, and I love Netflix adaptation and I enjoy watch movies as much as I read books (again, unnecessary information of mine *sorry hand sign*). I found that the release date is postponed from the origin plan in 15th May (which is three days ago from I posted this on my page) due to I don’t know perhaps corona because that bitch has ruined everyone in the world’s schedule, but for real I can’t find the exact information regarding to the updated release date, so while you wait the film to launch, why don’t you just go read the book first? I assure you this one not gonna give you any disappointment.

I think that would be it for this 2nd rubbish book review of mine. Although, I think I made a little progressive from the first one (OR MAYBE NOT???? I’M SORRY Y’ALL) but of course there’s still much deficiency I served. Still, I hope my writing get better in the process of making this whole novel of reviewing book inaccurately. To be honest, I wrote this shit not for getting any engagements or audience but for my own satisfied HAHA. So yeah I’m literally comfortable writing for nothing. But bitch guess what I’m just gonna keep going, until I could professionally writing and make it for a living? Well, amen for that.

Xiao, See you in Advance!

[readbythestarlight]

c2e84

Wow, that was a surpassingly normal ad!

Oh boy here we go lore drop!

Therizdune the chained oblivion who is chained at the bottom of the abyss

"He’s basically the boogeyman" if the boogeyman was a HORRIBLE ELDRITCH MONSTER

...IS the boogeyman a horrible eldritch monster?! Oh god.

[[MORE]]

This is great and awful like terrible abyssal eldritch things that can creep into the world through gaps and rifts encourages people to be violent and awful

Also I’m so satisfied that the chains actually ended up being significant

Okay so Yussah knows a guy who we know knows Trent, so... that’s not cool. I mean o totally trust Yussah now it’s not that, it’s just can we trust Ormid?

So not all the Cerberus assembly is bad re: Yussah. But like he’s basically a hermit living in his tower, yeah? Who doesn’t go into the Empire? So like how out of touch is he?

"Trent seems just creepy" that’s putting it mildly

Money? Ball bearings? xD

Oh nice some of the Halas money

Oh Nott honey

Fjord being like "Nott? Caleb please talk to your goblin."

And they’re just all discussing it in the background

NOTT DO NOT

oh boy don’t like that

Oh dear...

"Your FACE is stupid" oh Nott

Lock the gem away somewhere

"You’ll still work at it and try?" Oh honey of course he will

I like how they handled that. They didn’t put Nott down, they gently reminded her that Halas can’t be trusted.

Oh I hope that doesn’t trigger Caleb

And I hope that didn’t just fuck them over with Halas maybe

Cad’s like "can we not?" and then just silencing everyone who keeps trying to talk to him

Y’all need to call your OTHER wizard friend (aka HOTT BOI) to let him know you’re fine and not dead or anything cause this is probably the longest he’s gone without hearing from you

"Everything’s been smoothed over" I wonder if Dairon had anything to do with that

I wonder where she is...

Also this is late cause he said it like ages ago but I love Cad’s little bits of homely wisdom, like the whole holes in a bucket metaphor.

PLATINUMMMMMMM

A WHOLE SATCHEL

TIME TO BUY A KEEP Y’ALL

Kidding I like the xhorhaus

Holy SHIT

21,000 gold??

That puts them at 350 platinum which is like 3,500 apiece NICE

Please def check in with Orli I miss him

I’m gonna insist they all get either matching M9 tattoos or Captain tusktooth tattooes

ORLIIIII

Oh my

Yeah a charisma bump is a good choice Nott xD

YOU ALL BETTER GET MATCHING TATTOOS

"chaos crew" lol

Imagine the stories those "new faces" have heard of the M9 from the older crew

1312 gold not bad!

Fuck y’all I love Orli! I missed him. I hope Fjord retires and goes back to sailing with Orli and the crew someday.

F: "Can I ask, how painful is this... procedure?"

O: "oh-ho-ho! Quite."

Oh lord

B: "Is that infected? Is that infected?!"

O: "No, he’s just a.....................Pansy."

Girls day!

Ohhh I like that idea Nott! Can’t wait to see the new art of that.

I like the start of the idea but the "like the Traveler’s hugging me" is slightly creepy to me. Idk.

BeauJester shippers just got a gift xD

Oh... Molly’s all seeing eye tattoo. My heart. Taliesin looks really touched.

Omg a nat1

Ouch fuck Matt you didn’t have to describe that

Matt’s like "here’s your pretty tattoo Nott, here’s your very lovely tattoo Jester, here’s your TOTALLY BOMBASS tattoo that goes all the way up the BACK OF YOUR SKULL Beau"

like I’m not saying Matt plays favorites but his wife’s character definitely got the coolest tattoo

Boy talk over fish and chips heck yeah

Mmm gonna get some deep talk from Caleb?

Caleb expressing that he feels like maybe they’ve been brought together for a purpose <3

Cad telling him he’s believed Caleb was meant for something important since the beginning

Caleb the green bean farmer

"The god’s plant us, plant their will and their desire, and we move towards the fruit we’re meant for bear for them." Aw that’s... sweet, Cad.

Fjord being like "idk man I’m still figuring it out" what a mood

Caleb admitting he feels like he should run away

"I have started to forget what it was like not being with you people. And we are missing one, I am stuck on the fact that we are still missing one."

I wish I was fast enough to transcribe word for word this conversation because it’s excellent

I like Fjord’s question of "when you know, do you run away or do the right thing knowing it could kill you"

C: "You two are alright."

Cad: "We’re getting better."

F: "So are you, you know, you should give yourself credit."

C: "Mm..."

Cad: "I know... just think about it."

(Wow my old Widofjord feelings just came back with a vengeance.)

Cad adding in his own encouraging words about how Caleb is growing and becoming better made me happy too

C: "I hate tattoos."

Nott in the distance: AHHHH

C: "they’re just not for me."

Cad: "they’re frowned upon in my family."

And then they go see the girls

"We brought fish and chips—what they fuck"

All the Jester ships are eating well tonight

I’m so glad Jester finally got her cool tattoo

Y’all don’t want to see mom and Yeza and Luc?

lol Jester "I didn’t tell my mom about the tattoo"

"I’ve seen parents find out their kids had tattoos literally at the funeral"

I literally could not tell if that was Cad or Taliesin sharing

You guys didn’t even say bye to Orli! YOU MONSTERS

Boy that talks blurb with Brian talk about Caleb is GOOD SHIT MAN

No Brian don’t stop please go on and on about Caleb

lol Matt getting himself in the face with the paper

I knew Dairon was the one who got them out of trouble <3

EXPOSITOR OUTFIT AYYYY

just got new official art and now Beau gets a new outfit and the girls get tattoos xD

B: "I apologize"

M9: "wwwwwoooooaaaaahhh"

And library access again yay!

HEYYYY DAIRON

Beau gets to be a role model now lol

Oh yikes... selling out the Kryn to the King... don’t like that

Vence... NewTHEYLESS??

I don’t like that

Everyone: *excited freaking about Beau’s expositor room*

Cad, a good 10 seconds behind: "You had a monk bunk."

Dairon admitting she realized her prejudices against the Kryn were wrong. You know what that is? Growth.

They’re all so proud of Expositor Beau

Caleb trying to do "normal" accents is amazing lol

I don’t want him to be split from the group but I definitely understand his concern

Scary world ending lore oh boy

Oh god I forgot about the gentleman being here...

YES NO DO NOT GO ALONE that’s a dumb idea honey Jester please

N about J: "well she convides in everybody. Just says whatever she wants to say all the time."

This whole Beau and Nott conversation is amazing xD

Fjord and Jester: talking

Beau and Nott: talking

Caduceus walking along and enjoying the group communicating and sharing their feelings

Is he an earth genasi?

That’s the second time another wizard has called Yussah a fool, poor guy

I like how Ormid’s like "who the fuck are these people" but he also trusts Yussah enough to listen to them that’s nice

Hmmm I don’t like that’s awfully suspicious

WHISPERSSSSS

He keeps coming back to the beacon and I don’t like it

So like.. what if he is in on the whole thing and is trying to steer them away from looking deeper into the beacon?

Jester honey why you go and name drop Trent?? Like fuck.

Also interesting that both the King and his council have been more aggressive and pro-war lately, and the Bright Queen is also bent on the conflict in a way that I’ve personally felt doesn’t seem to quite mesh with her character, it definitely lends towards the idea that they’re being manipulated

Ormid’s a bit of a dick, although I guess I can understand, they’re not explaining themselves super well

Hng idk how I feel about Ormid and I’m not sure that I like that he now knows Dairon is working to get an audience with the king

But then again I’m bad about telling which NPCs are trustworthy and which aren’t.

Ormid’s face when they mentioned the cat OH MY GOD

okay fine god now I have to trust him

"I know we are talking about very important things but" I’m dying

Y’all fixing to get a symbol of the Cerberus Assembly damn

I don’t necessarily LIKE Ormid not entirely trust him but he’s already

Insight check on Sprinkles to see if he wants to go back with Jester aw

lol getting pet advice from him maybe I like him a little bit

PUMAT SOOOOL

it’s been so long!

PUMAAAAT SOL

Guys I have missed Pumat so much he just brings me so much joy

Fetch quest for Pumat DO IT PLZ

Oh

Wait

Basilisk oil that’s maybe not a great idea

GO SAILING TO THE ISLANDS

They gotta go to islands for Traveler Con right is that close?

"Let me get it from CritRole stats" lol

Oh thank god health potions

Armor boost oil is neat (plus 1 to AC isn’t bad) but ouch it’s pricy

I love that they CANNOT keep money they get it and then they spend it. It’s #relatable

Uh.... what’s happening to my boy?!

Caduceus?!

MATT WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BOY??

45 pats slashing??

WHAT IS HAPPENING

CADUCEUS

oh NO

fuck no

Is there a rift near?!

WHAT THE FUCK

The Inevitable End?

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Evil assassin person??

45 points of damage fuck

This is bad

Sam: “WE’RE SHOPPING MATT” MOOD

23 doesn’t hit?!

Oh they’re in trouble

God DAMN I’m freaked out omg

Does he have The Invulnerable Vangrent as a map??

God what a cliffhanger

[adscititious-cacoethes]

Petrichor (12/12)

Pairing: Trevor C./Reader; other background/hinted relationships Chapter: 12 of 12 Warnings: Swearing, danger, violence, death (SPOILER: not major character or RT employee), also happiness and fluff and all that good stuff, vampires and werewolves and things that go bump in the night (PG-13) Word Counts: Chapter: 4,340 Total: 43,539 A/N: Here it is! Final chapter! Part of this is kind of dark, lots of climatic stuff, so if you’re worried please send me a note and I can explain what happens. If there’s something else you think I need to tag that I forgot, also please let me know! Thanks everyone for reading and sticking around for the ride, I really have grown attached to and love this world - please let me know if you want to see more of it! (even if reader is a different character). Also! I am going to be posting this on ao3 momentarily, once I fix a couple of typos and mistakes that I’ve caught since posting them on tumblr. So those of you who read fic on both tumblr and ao3, don’t fret! I promise it really is me and not someone stealing my work. I added a pseud to my account for specifically reader insert work, which is TurtleAds.  I take prompts now! (see here for details).  Reminder that this has a bunch of supernatural-y stuff, and also that this would not have seen the light of day (pun intended), if it weren’t for @chefgeofframsay.  P.S. - Feedback would be cool P. P. S. - sorry if any chapters end kind of weird, this was written as one long thing and then I decided to break it up.  Previous

It had been nearly a week since Blaine and Mica had been brought into “quarantine” at the penthouse with you, and you could tell they were both getting antsy. You had more than enough interaction with people every day to keep you satisfied, and plenty of books to keep your mind occupied, and, about once a day, you would try to meditate to trigger another Prediction, but none had come. However, since Blaine and Mica had (quickly) grown tired of poking fun at you (aka trying to get you and Trevor together) due to the only reaction out of you being eye rolls and glares and Trevor not even seeming to notice at all, they had begun to get on edge. And with Novus having seemingly gone off the grid, there was no immediate end in sight.

“Can’t I just go visit my dad in Egypt until this blows over?” Mica had nearly whined at breakfast that morning.

“But then you’d be leaving me here!” Blaine argued. You just shook your head and shared a look with Jeremy, who kept scratching his nose and had decided to continue reading Wolves! Were?: A New Wolf’s Guide to His Inner Beast that day.

“I can take you with me, Gibson, but you probably wouldn’t like the heat.”

“Anything to get me out of this damn penthouse!”

“What are you dicks damning my penthouse for?” Geoff’s raspy voice made everyone except for Jeremy jump (the werewolf, of course, smelling the warlock the moment he walked in the room).

“I’m sorry for my friends, Geoff.” You told him at the same time Mica declared, “We’re getting stir crazy in this place!”

“Well, tough luck, unless you can teleport there, which I doubt either of you can do. Even though Novus is after [Y/N], we have no idea what exactly he can do, and since some fae can possess people, I don’t want to take any chances.” Geoff stated as he poured himself some coffee, resulting in annoyed grumbling noises from your best friends.

Jeremy scratched his nose again, “What should I do, Geoff?” he inquired, looking up from his book at the warlock.

“If we don’t resolve this tonight, we may have to stick you in the basement this time. Sorry, buddy.” Geoff said with a sympathetic smile. Jeremy frowned and his shoulders slumped, but he nodded regardless.

“Wait, what? What’s going on?” Blaine asked, gaze bouncing between the two men. You reached out and softly cuffed him upside the head.

“Ow!” He exclaimed, hand flying to the back of his head, “What was that for?”

“The full moon’s tomorrow night, idiot.” You admonished him with a shake of your head, watching as understanding dawned in his eyes.

“It’s alright, [Y/N].” Jeremy reassured you, shifting in his seat a little.

Mica and Blaine weren’t the only ones getting restless, just for a different reason.  

So, naturally, you spent the majority of the day hiding, reading to Gus and avoiding your friends because while you knew they didn’t blame you, you certainly felt shitty and responsible for their misery. And, on top of that, Jeremy would probably have to spend about twenty-four hours in a basement instead of running around doing wolfy things, and that made it even worse, because you were now a hassle to the people trying to protect you, too.

The only solace for the day, really, was a cheerful-as-ever Trevor (heh. That rhymed), who had brought dinner to you without you even asking. The two of you ate in silence, you on the bed and him at the desk, and then Trevor was scooping up your plate and waltzing out the door with a sing-song “Be right back!”

You went into the bathroom and washed your hands, humming something sort of tuneless as you dried your hands with a towel and walked back into the bedroom.

“You know, you’re almost more trouble than your worth.” A thin voice sneered, and you whipped your head up to see a fae that you knew could only be Novus, with pointed teeth and only one and a half wings sitting on your bed, rolling the hilt of a dagger between his hands. His friend, the Unseelie from the alley, was leaning up against the door, sneering at you with pointed teeth and a predatory look in his eyes. Your heart pounded in your chest and all the wind felt like it had been sucked out of you, all at once.

This can’t be real. This can’t be happening. Your panicked mind tried to deny it, but you also knew there was no denying the fact that somehow, the fae in front of you had teleported (presumably) into Geoff’s penthouse.

Geoff’s. Fuck. You had been spending your time – all of you had been spending your time – assuming that Geoff’s penthouse, which was essentially his fortress, was impenetrable, and yet you were staring at proof otherwise.

Wait. The rational side of your brain caught up with you, Trevor said he’d be right back. All you have to do is stall.

“You know, your big friend over here said that to me the first time, and if I remember correctly, that ended up with him getting shot.” You finally retorted, sounding much calmer than you felt. You stood up a little straighter, letting your feet lift off the ground slightly.

Big Sharp Teeth growled at you and lunged forward, and you instinctively hurled up a barrier, your energy pooling in your hands and being thrown into the air in front of you before you could think about the consequences. He didn’t reach your barrier, however, because Novus stopped him with a hand on his chest before he could get that far.

“Now, now, Aven, calm down.” Novus tutted, seemingly unperturbed by the defenses you had just constructed, and you realized belatedly that if he was a teleporter like Big Sharp Teeth (Aven), he could easily bypass it entirely. You dropped the barrier and crossed your arms over your chest.

“Do you want to know why you’re more trouble than your worth? All I wanted to do was kill Robin [Y/L/N]’s precious daughter, his only child, so he could begin the pain I’ve felt, the pain he solidified by ensuring that I was imprisoned. I was on top of the world, and had lost everything! And he had no pity for me, because I found a better, more rewarding lifestyle in rejecting the Seelie Court. It was going to be simple: Aven and his friend would capture you, and bring you to me, and then I was going to drop your dead body on your father’s doorstep for him to discover when he got back from vacation. But nooooo, you had to go and happen to run into some of Ramsey’s pets, and the bloodsuckers helped you get away. Fine. So then I was going to use my special talents and possess one of your friends to get around Ramsey’s guard dogs, but then the stupid goddess’s security system detected Aven’s entry. So I had to resort to this. Do you know how long it took to find someone who we could fly in at a moment’s notice, who could send us through Geoff fucking Ramsey’s barriers!” Novus was seething, hissing and spitting as he shouted at you, and you were paralyzed, terrified that if you so much as flinched he would be throwing that iron dagger straight into your chest.

But Novus’ ranting, raving speech also reminded you that they were in Geoff’s house, and Geoff always knew when people entered and exited his home, and if Geoff knew, then everyone knew, unless whoever they had found to get them through Geoff’s protective spells and barriers could also mask their existence from the warlock entirely. It was highly improbable, considering Geoff’s apparent magical strength, but not impossible.

“Sorry not sorry?” You offered, frowning a bit at the fact that Novus just cackled, the sound dark and thick and menacing, washing over you like tar and sticking to your bones.

Underneath his maniacal laughter, you hear shouting from down the hall, and then a thud against your door the force of it pitched Aven forward and bent the door. Novus immediately sobered up, and in the blink of an eye, he was in front of you, pushing you against the wall, one arm across your chest to pin you there and the iron dagger resting against your neck. You immediately started to feel it burning your skin, and you did your best to pull your head away, but there was nowhere for you to go with the wall at your back.

“What did you do? How did you alert them so fast?” Novus spit in your face, eyes wild.

Thud.

“Boss! What do I do?”

“Just hold the door, dipshit.”

Novus pushed the knife into your skin, just a little bit, and just underneath his chin, you could see Aven’s magical energy flaring to life, most likely trying to reinforce the door.

Thud. Creak.

You felt blood welling up against the dagger, the blade searing hot against your skin, and the burning smell started to waft into your nose.

“Better do this quick, then.” Novus sneered, eyes glinting with hunger and malice.

Smash!

The door shattered, and Novus’s head blocked your view, but the thud that immediately followed was probably Aven.

“[Y/N]!” It was Trevor, thank fuck it was Trevor, of course it was Trevor, and you watched Novus’s eyes go wide and nearly bug out of his head as he was quite literally ripped away from you. You covered your injured neck (why was it always your neck?) with your hand and slid down the wall, landing on your ass and looking up to see Trevor, eyes a dark red and fangs glinting, scrape his teeth against Novus’s neck while his hands wrapped around the Unseelie’s forearms with a crushing strength, the knife dropping out of his fingers. Behind him, a hulking demon stood, shoulders hunched and horns scraping across the ceiling, one clawed foot holding down and crushing the wings of an unmoving Aven.

Novus shrieked and thrashed, but Trevor was stronger, and you heard the sickening crunch of his bones cracking in the vampire’s grip.

“Now, now, none of that, stop your screaming, you kretin.” You heard Gavin say, and while you felt a little bit of the pull of the siren’s call, it wasn’t aimed at you. Novus immediately fell silent, whipping his head around to look at Gavin. You turned, too, craning your neck around your dresser to see the doorway, where Gavin stood, fist clenched and chest heaving. You could hear the footsteps and shouts of the others getting closer. Gavin didn’t move from the doorway until Geoff laid a hand on his shoulder, and even then he only stepped aside, not breaking eye contact to let a furious-looking Geoff and a stone-faced Lindsay through.

It was then that you finally registered the slick blood slowly leaking through your fingers, and even then, it was only because Mica had appeared in the doorway and was staring at you, horrified.

Geoff bent down and picked up the dagger. You could tell that he was holding his tongue, you could tell he wanted to scream and curse and flay the bastard that Trevor was holding alive with that knife. But instead, he held the dagger in an open palm, and turned to Lindsay.

She stared at Novus, “Your time has come.” She said, but her voice was not her own, booming and it seemed like it echoed tenfold, and you swore you could see an outline of a bird’s wings spreading out from her back. Geoff nodded, and a deep purple glow surrounded the dagger, before it thrusted itself (well, Geoff did it, but magically, not physically) deep into the Unseelie’s chest, right through the heart. Novus gurgled blue blood and dropped to the ground as Trevor let go of him, the demon slowly turning back into Michael in the background, Gavin closing his eyes and giving his head a firm shake. Trevor immediately turned towards you, falling to his knees in front of you and cradling your face in his hands.

“Are you okay?” He asked, earnestly, and his eyes were their normal, soft, earthy brown as they scanned your face, fangs retracting as his lips dropped into a concerned frown.

You nodded as best you could with your face in his hands, before a dark hand was on Trevor’s shoulder, pulling him back and kneeling beside you. Trevor made a move to protest but Mica just glared at him before blocking your line of sight to him with your head.

“Need you to move your hand so I can work my magic, girl.” She murmured, voice soft and soothing, and you let your bloody hand fall into your lap. Her own fingertips immediately pressed against where the dagger bit your flesh, and you could feel her warm, healing magic at work. Mica’s eyes slid shut and she muttered under her breath in a language you couldn’t comprehend (ancient Egyptian, probably), and after a few long moments, her eyes flickered open and she dropped her hands.

“You’ll probably still have a little scar, since it’s iron that did it, but you’re good now, [Y/N].” She stood and moved to offer you a hand up, but Trevor was faster.

The vampire darted forward and scooped you up into his arms, pulling you to his chest and burying his face in your hair. You could feel his lips moving, but it took you a moment to figure out what he was saying, but the muffled “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” was unmistakable once you’d deciphered it, and you wrapped your own arms around his midsection. You could hear the others chattering in the background; Michael and Jeremy hauling bodies out the door; Geoff was on the phone with someone. But that didn’t matter. All that mattered was Trevor, right then, right there. Trevor who was the first one in the room. Trevor who pulled Novus off you. Trevor who came to your rescue when you were too scared to do anything but hope help would come and try to buy yourself time. Trevor who was holding you like you were his lifeline. Trevor whose tears were falling into your hair.

You would later find out that whoever it was that had helped Novus and Aven get in had put a “blinder,” of sorts, on Geoff’s alarm, which would delay, temporarily, the activation of the charm that told him when people entered and exited the penthouse. Trevor would tell you that he had heard Novus speaking when he went to open your door, so he shouted for help and rammed his shoulder against it when the knob wouldn’t turn. Michael would tell you that he had heard Trevor from inside his room three doors down and, upon rushing into the hallway and seeing Trevor slamming his body into the door, immediately pulled the emergency alarm and shifted into his demon form, shoving Trevor out of the way to break the door down. Jeremy would tell you that he could smell Trevor’s rage and fear from down the hall, so strong, and he was unprepared enough that it made him stagger back and he would’ve fallen over if it wasn’t for Ryan stepping up behind him and catching him around the waist.

All of that was later, though. Right then, in that moment, Trevor was crying, so you pulled away a little to look up at him, reached up to wipe away a stray tear. One of his hands immediately slid to cup your face again, and when he gently rubbed his thumb across your cheek, you realized that you were crying, too.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered again, resting his forehead against yours, gaze drifting across your face, like he was searching for something and you held the answer.

“I’m okay.” You said, smiling a slightly watery smile at him, unsure of what else to say. And you were. You could still feel the phantom burn of Novus’s blade, and your wings ached from being slammed against the wall, but Mica had healed your wound and you had been quick enough to spread your wings open so that they didn’t get crumpled against the wall when Novus pushed you back. And Trevor was there, now, and maybe it was the fact that you liked him more than you had liked anyone in the world, ever, but you felt unbelievably safe when being held in his arms.

“Okay.” He breathed, and then you felt him square his shoulders, like he was preparing for something, and then the hand on your chin was tilting your chin up while his head dipped forward and then you were kissing.

Trevor was kissing you.

His lips were soft and his kisses gentle, just barely a brush of skin against skin. You almost couldn’t believe it, you felt like you were floating, but you reminded yourself to kiss back, damnit and then you were actually floating (if Trevor’s hands sliding to your hips and holding you there was any indication). As soon as he felt you respond and your arms reached up and wrapped around the back of his neck the kiss turned deeper, like he was desperate – like you were the air and he needed to breathe, but you were the one that needed air, not him, and you had to reluctantly break away and suck in some air.

The others in the room (because there were others, but you’d forgotten they were there) had politely allowed the two of you to have that moment, but as soon as she saw you pull away, Mica let out a loud wolf-whistle. You blushed and pressed your face into Trevor’s chest, but he just chuckled and smoothed a hand down your hair, whispering promises of safety and protection in your ear.

You stayed in Trevor’s room that night – your first time entering his room, actually, although you’re not sure why that panned out that way – and you barely had the words “Can you stay?” out of your mouth before Trevor was sliding into bed next to you, pulling you against his chest and pressing a kiss to your forehead with a mumbled “Of course.”

The next morning, your stomach churning at the thought of entering “your” room in the penthouse ever again, you timidly asked Geoff if it was possible to make the room just…go away. Geoff smiled a kind, sleepy smile, and Michael and Gavin graciously offered to take Gus and all of your stuff out of your room and deposit it in Trevor’s for you (Lindsay offered to supervise). After breakfast, you and Trevor and Geoff drove to the airport in a large passenger van, with the intent of picking up Jack, Ashley, and your parents. Although you knew it was over and everyone was fine, you still couldn’t stop yourself from pacing, shifting from foot to foot, regardless of how many times Geoff told you to cool it.

Trevor, eventually, took matters into his own hands (literally), pulling you into his side and wrapping an arm around your waist. When you looked up to question him, he just took the opportunity to lean down and press a kiss to your forehead. Geoff was noticeably less annoyed after that, but you could tell that he was trying (and failing) to subtly take pictures of the two of you.

The reunion with your parents and Ashley felt like something out of a movie. You saw them before they saw you, so you called their names and waved your hand in the air. Trevor let go of you and took a step backwards seconds before your father scooped you up into a hug, tears in his eyes as he spun you around. When he finally set you back on the ground, you saw your mom and Ashley standing there, waiting, the former with teary eyes and both with knowing smirks on their faces. You took turns hugging them both, your mom whispering to you about how proud of you she was and how brave you were.

You sheepishly introduced your parents to Trevor, who seemed pretty relaxed about it until your mother denied the offer of his hand in favor of a hug. His eyes went wide and he stared at you in fear over top of your mom’s head, which caused you and Ashley to dissolve into tittering giggles.

A few minutes later, Jack and a blonde woman you didn’t recognize – but you assumed was the warlock friend of Geoff’s – joined the group, having apparently elected to get the checked baggage before meeting up with you. You were too busy trying to tell your dad that you and Trevor were dating without being too obvious or giving him room to make a scene about it to notice the fact that Geoff nearly cried when he saw her, but you made a mental note to ask Trevor about it later when Geoff let Jack drive in favor of holding her hand in the backseat.

You smiled up at Trevor, who leaned down and kissed your nose, and nothing had felt more right in your life.

A week later, after your parents had gone home and Books and More Books had resumed business, you and Trevor were sitting on your bed (in your apartment – you didn’t want to give it up just yet in fear of making it seem like things were going “too fast,” even though the Mark on your shoulder told you that at the very least, the two of you would be “together” for a long time), in a familiar pose. The TV was on and the two of you were just talking about nothing, only instead of sitting side-by-side, you were curled up in his lap, your head on his chest, one of his arms around your waist and the other idly playing with your wings.

“Hey Trevor?” You started, lifting your head a little to look up at him (even though from your angle, you couldn’t see much more than his stubbly chin).

“Hmm?”

“Want to know a secret?” You asked, and Trevor pulled you away from his chest a bit so he could look you in the eye.

“Of course, I’m always down for secrets, especially when it’s you.” He said, a fond smile on his face. He punctuated ‘you’ with a long, cool finger reaching up to gently boop you on the nose.

You nodded, and took a deep breath, and then you willed your illusion away. Trevor’s eyes went wide, and you could see the faint glow you knew you were giving off reflected in them.

“You’re beautiful.” He breathed as he reached out to touch you, then hesitated, hand hanging in mid-air, and looked to your face, asking a silent question and searching for the answer. You nodded, smiling a little, and Trevor’s fingers were immediately tracing the vines on your skin (you were suddenly very happy that you had decided to wear a tank-top today). You let him explore for a moment in silence, until his fingers gravitated towards the large, fat leaf on your shoulder and sort of stayed there, tracing around the edges.

“That’s the secret,” You said, finally, reaching up to still his fingers, pressing his palm down until it perfectly covered the Mark, “that’s you.”

You smiled up at Trevor, and he gaped at you, gently lifting his hand so he could peer at the Mark underneath.

“That’s me?” He asked, voice filled with joy and wonder, and you giggled a little bit when you nodded.

“Marks appear and grow and stuff when important things and people happen in our lives. That one’s you.” You explained, and Trevor sort-of nodded absent-mindedly.

“But – not to like, not believe you, because I do, but I’m curious – how do you know?”

You wrinkled your nose up, trying to determine the best way to phrase it, “Besides it showing up after I met and got to know you, and besides the fact that “shoulder-touching” is your favorite form of non-PDA reassuring contact, I just kind of…do? Once you see it, on your body, you just know.”

Trevor nodded, his thumb tracing the leaf – his leaf – one more time before he cupped your jaw with his hands and pulled you into a soft, loving kiss. You melted against him when he pulled away, and the two of you stayed there like that, you not bothering to cover your Marks again once assured by Trevor that no, the glowy-ness did not mess up his sightline to the TV.

“Hey [Y/N], do you want to know a secret?” Trevor asked a couple hours later, when your eyelids were starting to droop with sleep.

“Mmhmm.”

“Geoff walked up to me this morning and started a conversation just so that he could tell me that when we get married, he wants to transfigure Gus into a person for the wedding. And that Geoff wants to officiate in one of those blue glitter tuxes.” Trevor did a good job of keeping a straight face as he spoke, but as soon as he was finished you both burst out into laughter.

“I can’t believe – Geoff…really?!”

Trevor nodded, “I thought he was – he was joking, but nope! Dead – dead serious!”

Eventually, your laughter subsided, and you rearranged yourselves so that you were laying down, wrapped up in each other’s arms.

You fell asleep quickly, so you didn’t hear Trevor’s whispered “I think I love you” against your hair, but that night you had a dream.

A dream where your vision was misty around the edges, where you stood and watched yourself in a white dress stand across from Trevor, looking dapper in a tailored black tuxedo, auras shining as bright as your grins, while a be-glittered Geoff in a blue suit stood between the two of you, reading from a small leather book.

[editorialsonlife]

Well

Last week was a bit of a shit show to say the least, culminating in tears at work on Friday #soprofessional and basically just telling then I needed Monday off and wouldn't be in. Sidenote, very fortunate as a crane fell into the carpark of our Chch office so glad I didn't have to deal with that one WOOP

Looking back, it was definitely a stressful week, but oh my God the amount of sugar I consumed during the week, and lack of activity, and the amount of time I spent looking after other people and the pms and like, just the volume of sugar I'm not really surprised it ended in total meltdown?

We spent the week in NAV training which is our finance software but a) I don't do finance and b) I'd literally never seen this software in action before so I knew it was going to be overwhelming but holy heck there's only so many stupid questions you can ask, and trying to learn finance and new software in one big hit was really really hard. And poor Murray on Friday with me in tears was like ummmmm maybe I dropped you too far in the deep end perhaps and I kind of just agreed because it was a bloody hard week.

Added to that was the fact that I bought a bunch of snacks and the finance team are bloody chocolate fiends (I bought museli bars and le snaks and rice crackers etc and they're literally untouched) but 10 bags of party sized chocolates have disappeared. So waaaaayyyyy over my normal sugar consumption and I have a very funny feeling that that's half of what triggered the absolute meltdown mode combined with hormones. So future learning for me there. Anyway.

Tory left and had her last day on Friday and we had drinks and Rhys asked me how the day was quite jovially to which I said it was fucking shite and I was bloody delighted not to have to come in on monday and a) I forget he's the CEO and I should probably be nice but fuck it and b) apparently he'd been oblivious to my early situation and was like WHAT NO and got really upset I'd had such a bad day which was quite nice. Poor dude. He'll live. I've been giving him shit all day today and he said he was glad the day off did me good so that was nice.

The weekend was quite quiet and relaxing, and having yesterday off was bloody delightful. I got to sit in the garden in the sun reading my book for a couple of hours and bought new sports bras and sorted out my budget and did some washing and drank a lot of coffee and got a couple of new sports tops and other good things. A+ definitely needed it and it definitely fulfilled everything I wanted.

We settle on the house next Monday and I'm very stressed about money and mortgage payments and just how life is going to shape up in terms of affording everything. I just have to be patient and realise I can't do everything now and it's just going to take a while to figure it all out.

I've been getting the incessant drifting feeling lately like I'm not really going anywhere or doing anything or building a career or making any decent money and I don't really know what to do about it. It might be time to go and see the careers lady again but who has a spare $750 for that ya know? I also need to buy a coffee machine lol I'm going to be so depressed when Dad takes his back. Not good mate not bloody good.

In good news personal training is going well and I went to the gym again today and I can see some muscles in my legs so I'm counting that as a win. Haven't bothered to weigh myself and don't think I'm gonna because it's only going to depress me and who needs that when I'm (meltdown excluded) feeling a whole lot better ya know?? #itsallrelative

That's about all for life at the moment I guess. Just keep going round in circles and relearning the same things over and over at different levels and internalising them more each time. Good times.

ETA: I'm also really fucking proud of myself for asking for time off as well?? Most of the time I'm all suck it up buttercup but actually.... Nope.

Murray sent me a text on Friday saying thanks for showing up to drinks and he wouldn't ask me to do anything he didn't think I was capable of and all I could think was of course I showed up for drinks I show up for everyone else all the damn time I just never show up for myself but THIS TIME I DID GO ME.

[sexygarbage]

1:20am

Have I written about how I realized that I have a hometown murder???! I recently finished every episode of MFM that isn’t a live show and isn’t a minisode. So, now I’m going down the list of minisodes. Which, are just as entertaining, if not more so than the good ol fashioned shows. And every time I hear these hometown murders I am like so jelous that I don’t have a story to tell! I mean, people are writing about close encounters with famous serial killers or even unknown killers. Or like not even murder related but touching and thoughtful or about ghosts or the super natural. And I wanna be featured on it so bad. I was listening to them talk about a mother who had murdered her own baby or something and how it’s the lowest of the low in prison if you’re a mother who murdered your baby. And then it all came back to me. I had a middle school/high school friend named Barbara Ramirez Sufuentes who drowned her two twin babies in her bathtub like 4 years ago!!!!!!!!! I honestly thing I repressed this memory because at the time, she had started posting more on her facebook about them and also she had commented on a depressing instagram picture I posted of a bb gun to my head. She was like “are you okay? guns are kinda serious” And then she straight up murdered her two twin daughters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At the time, I just could not believe it. It was a numbing time, a depressing time. Me and Barbara had fallen out of touch. It was weird of her to even ask me anything about myself because we had not spoken for years. So, I’m sure at the time I just repressed it. I wasn’t into true crime shit just then. And when I was listening to MFM I re-remembered. I wrote to them but I doubt that it will get read because sometimes I feel as if I have to dumb myself down a little bit and I probably did that in the email, causing it to probably be boring and I don’t think it would make the cut :/ 

But! It was interesting to re-remember something from my past. Barbara was like one of those girls who were super intimidating and like really pushy. And you kinda just had to feed into their delusions in order to maintain peace you know. There was something about her that was always a little unhinged, or like off... I always thought that... which is why I wasn’t so committed to staying friends with her after middle school yanno. But upon my research, she was arrested on mothers day and she claimed it was a horrible accident. She started the twins bath and was listening to music very loudly and the next thing she knew they were dead... She was also seen smiling when she got arrested! She was found guilty and is serving a 6 year prison sentence. People in the fb comments were heavily debating. A lot veer into the side of it just being a crazy accident and then some people are too ragefilled about it. Also upon researching, I discovered a prison penpals website where she wrote an ad seeking friends while she was in prison. And it was very strangely written, she only said she was in prison for a crime that was due to recklessness on her part and that she hadn’t done anything wrong before that. She also used a lot of quotes and named the bands she listened to... It just seems so creepy to me. Because with all the red flags, it’s so obvious that she totally killed her babies and it was not an accident. But this was a girl I basically grew up with!! We might have even had a sleepover or she at least came to my house once or twice!! She was someone that I knew. Someone that I had study hall with, someone that influenced me as a kid and she totally fuckin murdered her own children!!!!!!! I mean, it’s crazy when I think about it now. Now that I am so invested in crazy shit like this and have heard so many fucked up stories. And the thing that baffles me is that when you’re in school, it feels already like a prison. And everyone around you can bond over the fact that you are all pretty much miserable. And Barbara was def not a student who stayed out of trouble. She was always in trouble. She was fuckin crazy! School is like baby prison. Prison is like real life adult serious prison!!!!!! Like, murderers, rapists, unfathomable, unforgivable crimes is where prison is! And I already empathize way more than I need to so when I realize the legitamcy of it all, it fuckin freaks me out. Ofc I didn’t write anything as poignant and personal like this when I wrote the email for MFM. But, I still shared the small barely interesting story. 

I keep thinking about it and I just wanna know that they read it. But I can’t count on that outcome. I’ve just listened to like 5 minisodes in a row and they have all made me laugh and cry and scream and get goosebumps. They make me feel so many emotions, and they trigger me and I begin to feel genuine feelings which is so hard to come by especially because the people close to me are a majority of sociopaths. And when I listen to the stories and the carmraderie and the sense of belinging, it just warms my heart. I mean I hate to be so cornball about it. But shit, I’m mostly having a bad day and I’m mostly secretly struggling and feeling out of place and uncared for and this just totally turns me around and I become intrigued, I am put in a trance where things are just not so shitty and the hottest of tea is being spilt in the most twisted of ways! It is everything I live for! 

So yeah, I’ve been emmersed in these crazy stories, I might be gong insane a little bit. I also wanna write about my thoughts on my therapist because I don’t write about it that often. Me hanging out with Coco so much and hating it is an indication that I, too, am quite insane. Because I have no where else to go. And so I keep going back to Coco when I know she makes me feel like shit. It’s not normal that every time I call Sas, we have to have a Coco complaints hour. I know it’s fun to talk about the dysfunction of others. But at a certain point, it is spilling onto me. And look, the situation is not easy for anyone. Idk if anyone would care, but I would be certainly sad if I just straight up ghosted everyone cus I couldn’t stand Coco. No, I love everyone else, that’s why I have to put up with Coco. And when I go to my therapist about it, I could be talking about so many other things... My committment issues, my daddy issues, so many other issues but all I wanna talk about is how many times Coco has rubbed me the wrong way within two weeks! And I tell my therapist how shitty I’m feeling, and it upsets him to know that I’m upset so then I feel even more shittier. And we know the only solution is to get rid of her but it’s not easy and it’s not realistic. And I’m kinda just looking for a scientific explination of my dynamic with Coco, of my reasoning for my own attachment. But we never get there. With my therapist, he never gives me a scientific explination as to why I am the way that I am with certain people. He praises me a lot, he tells me positive things about myself and shitty things about everybody else. And on one hand, I do need to hear good things about myself because not many people are praising me and I need validation. But on the other hand, I am uncomfortable about it and I don’t know how to make that clear. I just think my therapist is way too emotional. Way too empathetic. And way too on my side! I mean, I know I’ve been gaslighted to believe everyone should be mean to me, but I need someone who is unfeeling. Someone who will give me scientific explanations. I’ve been kinda wanting to break up with my therapist :/ Which sucks because I love him so much. And part of it is me. Because I just don’t know how to deal with someone who sees me for me. I only know how to deal with people who make me the butt of the joke or something like that. I’m not used to people being so nice to me and it freaks me out and it makes me uncomfortable. And I know I shouldn’t feel guilty about it. But idk what to do. Also, my therapist is good at taking this into accountability, but it is different to have a white therapist when I’m not white. And he’s like super aware of racial differences, super understanding. And sometimes I just feel like I need a person of color therapist you know. Maybe not straight up filipino because you know pinoys are judgemental and hella religious. But at least just another person of color and a woman, so we’re all on the same page. Like, my therapist is an openly gay trans man and you could not ask for a better sense of open mindedness and a radical stance on politics. But, I am already so emotional. My therapist cannot be more emotional than me. It makes me feel like I have to retaliate and so then I become unfeeling. 

And also, the thing about therapy is that your therapist is always gonna be on your side. I was talking to Sas about what Coco’s therapy is like and it’s true, you can just straight up lie the whole time. And that’s probably what Coco is doing. She is doing her mother teresa act, crying her crocodile tears and her therapist has to buy it, her therapist has to be on her side and tell her the things she thinks she wants to hear. But her therapist is missing a huge chunk of Coco herself because therapists will only ever get your side of your story. I have probably hurt a lot of people too, and it’s not supposed to matter to your therapist. But sometimes I just wish it would so I could know how much of a shitty person I am. The way Coco’s therapist would never tell her. I wanna know all the bad things about me. A stranger just can’t know that about you because ofc I’m seemingly nice, and so are the thoughts that come out of my mouth and into my therapists’ ear. Ofc, he’s not gonna tell me all the bad things about myself. Ofc it’s just me finding new ways to hate myself even when I try to get better about it... Sometimes tho I feel as if I don’t even need therapy when I know so much shit already. But that’s just me being cocky and stupid... Anyway, idk! Imma just ride it out. I still have writing. And I still have my podcast and other creative endeavors. 

Actually, you know what I think this is me just like dealing with the fact that therapy is really that hard. I mean, you tell everyone to go to therapy but it’s only if theyre willing to work at it. Because it is a constant constant battle. And it’s never gonna be easy. And it’s so hard for me to like not feel bummed out about it because life is so hard. And then sometimes I just feel like there is no hope at all. Even when I put myself in a position to see that there is.. 

[calibanfilesystem-blog]

CALIBAN Design Inspirations

Here’s a meaty post on my thoughts on some inspirational game design mechanics and how they will relate to Caliban.

What am I suppos- oh I died...

My definition of a survival game is as follows: A sudden-death system which pits the user against an increasing set of challenges while slowly doling out the tools needed to survive and push further against them.

In a way, despite the savage “sudden death” nature of such games, the feeling of slowly pushing into what was initially an impenetrable system is an amazing motivator and I’ve found survival games to be the most rewarding. Same as learning to code, or learning piano, or slowly realizing the person you fancy isn’t out of your league after all. Or that the life you’ve always wanted but seemed impossible maybe isn’t so far fetched...

Another aspect I like about them is the desire to *see content*. You WANT to know what lies in the fog because I feel like, deep down, once you understand the basic rule-set, you want to *see which rules the game will break*. Personally, this has always been a huge motivator for me in games, and my favorite items you find usually have the most poetic usage descriptions and allow you to break an established rule you took for granted. I.e. (”Allows the user to fly.” “Can mind-swap with enemies.” “Allows user to eat coins.”)

The following are some games which I feel exemplify these qualities.

Forbidden Desert - A dead simple survival board game with such a tight rule-set, it lays bare the minimum you could need for an engrossing survival/exploration experience. I have ported the game to the computer in the past and I was very interested in the percentages and probabilities involved. I.e. a game on “Standard Mode” usually gives you a base ~45% success rate on any given action whereas “Hard Mode” puts you at ~25%.

7th Continent - This system has re-written the rules for what is possible in a board game. This game exemplifies the idea of introducing methods of interacting with the system you never considered before. I.e. using a magnifying glass to inspect a card’s artwork, solving visual puzzles with nothing but your brain and receiving cryptic clues that reward you with no special game mechanics, only the knowledge that they exist. I will certainly be taking a page from this book while thinking about Caliban.

Subnautica - Proves the efficacy of the powerful motivator behind simply wanting to see content. The entire purpose for your explorations deeper and deeper into the depth of an alien ocean is the drive to simply *see*. It is an almost objective fact that the deep sea is l33t, and the game scratches that itch so well. I want Caliban to have a similar drive to see what kinds of exotic and interesting species of softwares you’ll find out in the desert...

Seafall - This game exemplifies the idea of adding and changing the rules of the game at run-time. Playing through this board game with a group of committed friends was an absolutely exhilarating and unique experience. The game got major flak in mainstream reviews for not having rules that cover the edge cases you’d find yourself in (IRL undefined exceptions LOL) but if you look past that, this game was constantly re-inventing itself as you played. It shifted from competitive resource trading game, to war game, to exploration/puzzle game and towards the end it was a co-op survival game. Not to mention the reward mechanic of physically adding rules to the rule-book by way of stickers... also LOL the box said “batteries included” but you didn’t know what they would be used for until 66% through the game. Genius motivational mechanic.

What the fuck is this?

In my opinion, true puzzle games of quality are very hard to find. My definition of a “true” puzzle game is as follows: A cryptic system in which the tools to untangle it reside within the system itself and can be solved with no outside intervention. In other words, it’s what we lowkey wish the real world was. I do not consider games which rely on randomness, cultural trivia, or overly complex game mechanics to be true puzzle games. Those are excuses for poor game design. True puzzle games can and do exist with *one* game mechanic. True puzzle games are among the hardest in the gaming world. I admire that about them and have actively been seeking them out for years. These are some notable examples that I know of. I will be taking a lot of guidance for how they pace and implement real-world puzzles and look to them for structural guidance on how to implement the ideas that I have for the puzzles in Caliban.

You’ll probably see that certain games are missing that are supposed to be “good”. That’s for a reason and if you want to know why, then message me or just fuck off.

The Talos Principle - Yea, probably my all-time favorite video game. I could gush for pages. However I want to keep this focused on how this relates to Caliban. Specifically, how the puzzles and story relate to the digital nature of the game deeply inspires me. The story *is* the story of a digital consciousness, told through a pseudo-biblical filter. I am going to be taking some pointers from this when I am shaping the myth and story of Caliban.

Obduction - The latest game out of Cyan Studios (creator of you-know-what) truly couldn’t give any less of a shit about you or if you come anywhere close to beating it. Yes, to a fault. Its not as confrontational as Hackmud (below) but it certainly dangles a story-carrot in front of your face (which is as obtuse and unsolvable without a walkthrough as the notorious maze puzzle). Most unforgivably, the game is plagued by a fucking stupid walk speed and straight up tedious animations. If it takes more than 5 seconds to input a “code” into your “number lock” to test it, then fuck that and fuck you.

Hackmud - This game makes me LOL. I haven’t settled on how I feel about it and it is the last game I have been seriously into before starting this project. The gameplay here IS building a codebase. The game is a puzzle box you throw your code against and try to make progress. I am thinking about how I would like to integrate coding into Caliban, whether I will detect and forbid automation, hacking, coding etc.. or if I will embrace it. The downside to embracing it is that you alienate your non-coder audience and you start designing challenges under the assumption that your player base is code-savvy. What do you think about this? Sound off in the GIVE FEEDBACK section!

Harry’s Puzzle - I love, love love this game. You can play it in its entirety right here. What I love about this game is how it is always there, always lurking. You can resume your progress just by going to the right URL. You can take your time, maybe years, chipping away at the puzzle, and communities have spring up around it. Maybe, maybe Caliban can aspire to such fame? Such renown? Such infamy? LOL, not my intention, but the ruthlessness and difficulty of Harry’s puzzle is something to keep in mind.

So what’s in it for me?

So, some people just don’t get games. They just don’t. I completely understand that. I mean, at the end of the day, what do you get out of them? What’s the point? “Seems like a waste of time if you ask me...” And beating a game almost always leaves you with a unique feeling of... loss. You shut the game down after the credits and... then what? Did you just waste 10 hours? 10 days? 10 months? I mean, I’m of the opinion that its *cool* to beat a game. Its *cool* to be good at video games, but I completely respect differing opinions.

For Caliban, I want your progress and eventual completion to be tangibly rewarded. I want you to leave the game with pieces of software you could not have gotten from anywhere else. Whether its a nice music box program that plays some chip-tune, or a unique little desktop physics widget, or a piece of interactive poetry, or a desktop sculpture or anything. I want this game to have tangible takeaways, and finally a piece of totally epic trophyware for those who reach the journey’s end.

Here are two games that I feel genuinely reward you in completely unique and satisfying ways and which I will be drawing heavy inspiration from.

Samorost 3 - The carrot on the stick in this game is music. As your progress through the game, you are simply rewarded with a new instrument track you can then trigger in the special music menu. That’s it. Those are your prizes. Each achievement you get adds new capabilities to your music-making arsenal and if that isn't the most beautiful and wholesome reward system, I really don’t know what is. Check out this link to see it in action. HIGHLY RECOMMEND

The Return of the Obra Dinn - This game is a utter masterpiece. The reason why I have it way down here in the “rewards” section is because i don’t know why, fuck off. But anyways, the eventual reward for completing this game is finding out what the fuck happened on the Obra Dinn. You are presented with disparate chapters of a story, told mostly in reverse, with a crucial chapter missing. If you don’t complete the game in its entirety, you never get to see this missing chapter and the story remains with a gaping plot hole. This is genius, I mean I’m kind of a nautica-phile so this was enough for me to keep progressing but I just love the idea of holding the story as the final reward. It may seem a given, like “yea you beat the game you get to see the end to the story”, but something about Obra Dinn was different. It wasn’t about seeing the ending, (the ending is actually where you begin) but seeing the exact pivotal moment the story rotates around was an amazing motivator. Thinking about this while I write Caliban.

What are you trying to tell me?

So, something I am not going to do is post my story. The story is something I will not be revealing until I am comfortable with the final release to keep it a surprise. But here are some influences I am taking into account:

Scheherazade

It’s Such a Beautiful Day

The Tempest (Caliban)  What, you thought the title was an accident? ;-)

Ok! So, here we are at the end. Woof. You still here? Wow. I love it. If you’re reading this, then welcome to The Inner Circle. Sound off in the GIVE FEEDBACK section and make yourself known. If you think I’m not going to reward “Day One fans” in-game then you’re CRAZY! You’ll be considered a VIP in the project and your constant feedback will help drive development forwards and who knows, maybe you’ll find yourself rewarded in more than one way :-)

Up next will be my roadmap on my first few steps on this journey and some milestones I will be trying to reach in the coming weeks.

Till next time  - M

[jacksonmcb-blog]

Gotta Keep Your Head Up ⇄ MCMONT

WHO: Killian & Jackson McConnell-Beaumont

MENTIONS: Hunter Clarington

WHEN: August 22, 2017

WHERE: The McConnell-Beaumont household

NOTES: Jackson & Killian both jump to conclusions about the other’s past times, and finally sit down and have a much needed talk

WARNINGS: alcoholism and self-deprivation triggers

Jackson-

There was no denying that Jackson could be a jealous man. He loved his husband and cherished what they had together, and there were more than a few times that he found himself worrying that one day Killian was going to wake up and realize he could do so much better than Jackson. Of course, this was an irrational fear. Jackson knew this. Jackson knew that Killian loved him as much as he loved Killian, but he still couldn't feel like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. That sort of thing had been happening his entire life. One good thing would happen, only to be followed by another bad thing that overshadowed the good. His mother supported his sexuality when she inadvertently found it out - a couple weeks before his father did - but his father kicked him out of the house the second he found out, and the two hadn't talked since. He had gotten into Cambridge University, but it meant giving up the start of a new relationship with his best friend that he'd been wanting for a while. Every time something good happened, something bad followed. Waiting for the other shoe to drop was a mental habit he was trying to break himself of, but it wasn't the easiest thing in the world.

Especially when Hunter Clarington, of all people, came back into the picture.

Jackson had known that Hunter and Killian had been involved with each other during both high school and college - a bookend relationship with Jackson's relationship with Killian in the middle. In high school, it had been a different story. Jackson and Killian hadn't been together. Sure, Jackson had been in love with his best friend, even then, but he hadn't been able to say much when Killian was with Hunter, especially since he was with someone else as well. As far as Jackson knew, Hunter had been the one Killian turned to when his relationship with Jackson had ended after high school, though. In the rational part of his mind, Jackson knew any insecurities that he had in regards to Killian's feelings towards Hunter were ill-founded. But that didn't stop the irrational part of his mind from taking over whenever he saw Hunter flirting with his husband. He doubted that Killian really noticed, but it didn't stop his brain from short circuiting.

I’d probably be blindsided enough to marry a hot guy with an English accent too. 

Seeing that online had really started to mess with Jackson's head. He hadn't really had an accent when he came back, at least he hadn't thought he had, but he also hadn't thought that he 'blindsided' his husband into being with him. Something about Hunter's words really got under his skin - he just couldn't let them go. The last thing he wanted was to think that he'd somehow tricked Killian into being with him. He couldn't go home like this, he couldn't be like this around Killian. Grabbing his phone, he sent his husband a quick text about going to the gym. It wasn't exactly a lie, so much as it was a half-truth. He really hadn't gotten to the gym that morning, but that had happened before. Tonight, though. Tonight was about exhausting himself to the point where his brain didn't care about Hunter anymore.

He hadn't expected to be gone for more than an extra hour or two. His usual work outs took about an hour and a half, so that was normal. Three hours later, though, he finally found himself parking his car in their two-car garage. He left his gym bag in the trunk of his car before carefully making his way through the garage and into the house. Fuck he was sore already. "Killian?" he called out, assuming that his husband was probably playing video games in his den; he hadn't really realized just yet that he'd been gone for three hours on top of the normal 20-30 minutes it took him to get from Des Arc to their home. "I'm home," he added before moving through the house towards the living room area and collapsing on the couch with a groan.

Killian-

Hunter was a strange connection for Killian. He was never really used for anything more than sex, honestly. Even in high school, with the other male being two years younger than Killian, Killian didn't take much notice of him aside from his body. He was hot, Killian was horny, and they frequented the same parties, it seemed. Hookups were bound to happen. And after Killian and Jackson broke it off, sure, Killian hooked up with Hunter again. Usually by coincidence, and he didn't remember most of it. He was always drunk when he came back into town, usually to ask his parents for money for more booze. And then he'd run into Hunter. Killian's heart would ache because Jackson was so far away, and Hunter seemed like the perfect distraction. Hunter never meant anything to Killian, Killian never had feelings for him. So when he started talking to Hunter again, he honestly didn't think it was a big deal.

Killian liked having friends, that much was known. He liked people, and making people smile, and having people to talk to. He was a social butterfly, and he was extremely extroverted. So Hunter started talking to him, and he didn't mind. Why would he? It had been literally almost ten years since he'd seen the other male, anyway. Killian didn't want to fuck him. He only loved Jackson, only had eyes for him. But Hunter had been acting a little strangely, but Killian had shrugged it off as him having an off day or whatever. Why would Hunter want to flirt when Killian had specifically told him that he was married? It didn't make sense.

So when Jackson had texted Killian, nothing clicked for him. He honestly thought his husband just wanted to get a quick workout in. No big deal, Killian did it all the time. But he expected Jackson to be home in a half hour, hour tops. But then it was longer than that. It was an hour and a half. Two hours. Two and a half hours. Killian was going out of his mind. But he didn't want to be that guy. Jackson had told him where he was, and he didn't want to bother him or assume anything.

He's totally cheating on you. He thinks you're immature and a fucking idiot and he's cheating on you. That's the only reasonable explanation.

"No," Killian said, shaking his head as he paced the kitchen, pickle jar in hand. "He's not. There's no way." He let out a laugh of aggravation. "Oh my god, am I really doing this? I can't spend three hours without knowing where my husband is before losing my mind? It's not like he's been gone overnight. Get a grip, Killian. Chill out. He's not -- he's not cheating on you. Jackson would never."

Wouldn't he, though? Look at yourself. Really look at yourself. You're nothing. It's a damn surprise you got any sort of degree at all. You act like a five year old all day. You're the creepiest guy ever, hanging out with kids for your job. Why would he want you? It's a surprise he's put up with you for this long.

Killian shook his head. "No, he wouldn't. He loves me. Oh my god, I'm talking to a stupid voice in my head. I am not crazy." He suddenly heard the door open, and Jackson's voice reaching his ears. Killian didn't move. What did he do? Act like a sweet, caring, supportive husband? Voice his fears? Accuse him of cheating? Ignore him altogether?

If you accuse him or voice your fears, and he didn't do anything wrong, you're going to push him away. But at the same time, if he'd just using you until he can get the divorce finalized, why should you waste your time?

Killian didn't know what to do. He grabbed a pickle and bit into it, continuing his pacing. Maybe he could just... An idea hit him. He looked over at the back door. He didn't want Jackson to think he was ignoring him, that'd make him want to cheat more. Killian slowly walked over to it, making sure to keep his steps quiet. Then, opening the door as softly as he could, he stepped out onto the back patio, before closing the door behind him. Perfect. Killian quickly kicked off his shoes and socks, rolled up his pant legs, and sat down at the edge of the pool. How could he greet Jackson if he didn't hear him? He took another bite of his pickle. At least if he was going to stress eat, it wasn't something sweet and fatty.

Jackson-

Jackson sighed heavily as he laid on the couch. His entire body hurt. He'd run at the gym for at least an hour or so, until he couldn't physically run anymore, and then he'd used the weights and other gym equipment for another hour on top of that. The longer he laid on the couch, the more his muscles started to relax. The more that they started to realize just how much Jackson had overworked them at the gym. Not getting a response from Killian was starting to worry him a little, though. If he had been able to hear the video games echoing from the den, or Killian shouting 'die, zombies, die!' or something like that, he wouldn't have been worrying. The fact that the house was quiet, though, made him uneasy. Had something happened? A small part of him - the part he had thought he squashed during his work out - wondered if maybe Hunter had dropped by to 'catch up' with Killian. Images swarmed through his head - ones he didn't want - and he let out a loud groan before running his hands over his face.

Pushing the images out of his head, Jackson slowly started to sit up before letting out a loud gasp of pain. His muscles were in full revolt. He hadn't worked out this hard since high school. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," he gasped, forcing himself up into a sitting position. "Kil?" he called out once he was sitting up with his back against the couch. "Are you home?" he asked, a bit of his paranoia sinking in. Admittedly, he'd seen one too many movies - racy or regular - where a spouse was cheating on their significant other and hid when they came home. Thinking Killian wasn't home gave Jackson opportunity to let his insecurities take over for a moment, even if it was short.Leaning back against the couch, his mind kept flooding with images of Hunter and Killian together, and no matter how many times he rubbed his face or his eyes, they just wouldn't leave. "Fuck, come on man," he muttered to himself, breathing a little heavier as he felt his emotions going into overdrive. Before he could stop them, tears started falling from his eyes.

What if he lost his husband? Why would Killian ever want to be with him when he could probably be with someone like Hunter? Hunter had a better body than him, he had a better job than him, he was paid more. Hell, he probably had a better personality than him in some aspects. No matter how much he loved Killian - no matter the fact that his husband was literally his entire world - he couldn't think, in that moment, of a single reason Killian would want to be with him over Hunter - or at least someone like him.

Running his hands across his face again, he tried to take a deep breath and calm himself down. The last thing he needed was Killian to come home from whatever he was doing - he refused to think about the fact that he could have been with Hunter - and find Jackson sitting on the couch with tears streaming down his face. This was absolutely ridiculous, he knew that, but he couldn't get himself under control.

Killian-

Killian took a deep breath as he sat out by the pool, slowly chewing on his pickle. Only, it didn't taste appetizing anymore. Killian McConnell-Beaumont didn't want to eat pickles at that time. That in itself was troubling, really. Killian swallowed his mouthful and grimaced, before setting the jar down on the ground. Jackson hadn't come to find him. Whenever Killian was home first -- which was usually all the time, unless previously texted about saying he'd be late -- and Killian didn't answer his husband's calls, Jackson would find him. Either in the shower, out back, or just way too involved in his video games. But now he wasn't doing that. He didn't seem to care where Killian was, and that made him feel even worse.

See? He's cheating on you. If he loved you and actually wanted to be with you, he'd look for you. He's not doing that, is he? Jackson's been distant the last few days. He probably found someone better and just hasn't figured out how to break the news to you yet.

Killian chewed on his bottom lip, before standing up from his spot at the pool. His heart was clenching painfully in his chest. He couldn't stay there. Not when Jackson was there, not when his husband had so obviously found someone else. He felt tears welling up in his eyes, but forced them back. He pulled on his socks and shoes before walking around to the side yard, and through the fence. He didn't want to go inside. He couldn't. That's where Jackson was. He couldn't face him right now. He couldn't face the rejection. He walked to the garage side door, thankful that he was the last one to use it (apparently), because it was unlocked. He really needed to break the bad habit of forgetting to lock doors; their cars were going to get stolen that way.

Walking over to the shelving unit in the back of the garage, Killian opened up the rusty toolbox that held his spare car key. He needed a safe spot for it, because he was so forgetful with everything else he owned. Climbing into his SUV, Killian started the ignition. He was about to press the garage door button on his sun visor, before he paused. Is this really what he was doing right now? Running away because of a feeling? But Jackson... he'd never acted like this before. Sure, he had his bad days, but it usually didn't last this long. Killian just... didn't feel the love like he usually did. How was he supposed to cope with that?

"Fuck it." Killian pressed the button, waiting for the large door to open behind him. He just needed to get away. He wasn't sure where, just somewhere. Anywhere but home.

Jackson-

Hearing their garage door opening, Jackson sat up a little more and quickly started wiping his face. He didn't want Killian finding him like this. He knew he was probably being stupid. There was no reason to think that Killian hadn't been home. Killian was always home before Jackson. Then again, Jackson had told him he would be late, so why wouldn't he have gone out to meet up with whoever he was with instead of his husband? Pulling himself up off the couch, letting out a groan as he did so, Jackson moved through the dining room and the kitchen before going through the storage area and to the door that led to their garage. He didn't know what he was going to do when he actually saw Killian, but he knew that he needed to see him. Even if Killian was cheating on him with Hunter fucking Clarington, of all people, Killian was the only person who make his brain shut off. The only person who could make him feel better.

Opening the door to the garage, he leaned against the frame and looked the short distance across the garage to where Killian was sitting in his SUV. It was obvious - at least it probably would have been to Killian - that Jackson had been crying; that he was upset. He offered a small smile across the garage, but it didn't reach his eyes. He just looked so...defeated. It wasn't a look that Jackson held often; in fact, the last time he'd looked like this was the day Killian had forced him to get on the plane to England.

Killian-

The garage door had just finished opening, when the door into the house opened, as well. Killian's eyes snapped over to his husband, and he immediately knew that something was wrong. Oh god, Killian had been thinking that Jackson was cheating on him and -- and he had been upset and crying the whole fucking time. Killian felt like a complete dumb ass. It took him only two seconds to press the button to close the garage door, before he was almost falling out of the vehicle in his rush to get to his husband. Killian didn't say a word, just grabbed Jackson and pulled him close, tightly against himself. You fucking idiot, of course he wasn't cheating on you. What the hell is the matter with you? God, something serious probably happened! You're honestly the worst husband ever, what the fuck. "Baby, what's wrong?" Killian finally said softly, kissing the top of Jackson's head.

Jackson-

The second Killian's arms wrapped around him, Jackson's defenses completely broke down. He wrapped his arms tightly around Killian's neck, burying his face in the crook of his husband's neck as tears started falling again. "I don't want to lose you," he whispered, his words barely audible against Killian's skin as he pulled himself closer to Killian. "Please...pl-please don't leave me," he continued, shaking his head a little; ironically, this felt a little like déjà vu considering the conversation they'd had just days ago where they were singing a Savage Garden song to one another in the bath, talking about how they’d always be together. He wasn’t sure what had happened, honestly, but somehow he had managed to convince himself that Killian was going to leave him for Hunter. "I-I knows he's better than me in..in almost every way," he said. "I just...I don't know what I'd do without you."

Killian-

Killian was honestly so confused. Leave him? Who was better than him? What? He felt his heart break, and he shook his head, rocking Jackson a little bit. "Shh, shhh. No, baby, no. I'm not leaving you. What in the world are you talking about?" He shook his head again, his brain trying to wrap around exactly what was going on. He pulled out of the hug just enough to catch his husband's eyes. "I don't -- I don't know what's going on, or who you think I'm seeing behind your back -- but you need to get your head checked, okay? Better than you? No one is better than you, Jacky. No one. Do you even realize how much I love you? Every moment I live is for you. Everything I do is for you. Everything."

"When I'm picking out video games, did you know I try to find good two player ones so I can spend hours with you kicking your ass? Or when I'm with my students and I'm having a difficult day, I just say 'well, looks like I'm getting some practice in for when Jackson's ready to have a family.' I live for you. I breathe for you. Everything in my soul, in my whole being, is yours. Every. Single. Thing. I don't -- I don't know where you got this crazy notion that I could love someone more than you, or want someone else."

"Do you realize you're the only serious relationship I've ever had? High school? No, those were shit that lasted a month, tops. College? Fuck no, I was too busy drinking my pain away because losing you killed me. It killed me, Jacky. That's why I was an alcoholic when you came back. Because I hurt so much without you. I couldn't function. Before I started drinking, you know what I did? I skipped class, laid in bed all day, skipped meals. I didn't do shit. Because everything hurt without you." He felt tears welling up in his eyes, but ignored them. "And honestly, you're really not the one who should be worried. I've never loved anyone else. Ever. Especially enough to get engaged or get married, maybe. You have. If either of us should be afraid of losing the other, it's me. I'm pretty much always terrified that you're going to realize that I'm stupid, and immature, and you want someone like Colin after all." He shook his head, letting out a joyless laugh. "You're my whole world, Jackson." A few tears fell, and he shrugged. "I can't... I wouldn't be able to live without you. I couldn't before, and if I lost you at all again, I... I'd probably just completely give up."

"I mean... do you realize how many people tried to get me into rehab back then? So many. But I wouldn't go. You're the only one I listened to. Because even after five years, I loved you so much. Once I fell in love with you, I never stopped. Not for a second. You make me want to be a better person. You make me smile when I'm angry, or upset. You..." He smiled softly. "You made me me again. That joyful, awesome teenager I was? I lost him. I lost him and I thought I'd never get him back, that I'd never be happy again. But you... You brought light and sunshine and joy back into my life." He took Jackson's cheeks in his hands, his voice serious through the tears, his eyes determined. "So don't you ever think that I would leave you, you got it? Because without you, I wouldn't be able to be. I cannot see a future where you're not in it, and I don't even want to imagine one. I need you. I love you so, so much, and I just need you."

Jackson-

Jackson just held on to Killian tighter as he felt Killian rocking him, doing his best to comfort him while Jackson continued to break down and slowly started to sink down to his knees; he was so exhausted and his brain was going a million miles a minute with the idea that Killian was going to leave him that he physically couldn't stand. Not anymore. As Killian tried to comfort him, Jackson sniffled softly against his husband's chest. When Killian pulled back, Jackson was tempted to go after him - to bury his face in Killian's neck once more - but he stayed back, he wanted to look into Killian's eyes. He needed to see him. He listened quietly as Killian talked about how much he loved him. About how much his life had been changed because of him. He honestly had no idea how much of an impact that he had made on Killian's life. He knew how much Killian had affected his life. He knew that he wouldn't be the same person that he was now without having Killian in his life. Without Killian, he'd have ended up another homeless, teenage statistic on the streets. And that was only one way that Killian had changed his life. There were countless others, including the fact that Killian had been the one to push him to go to England. Even though it would break him, he forced Jackson to go.

Jackson listened to how much Killian had gone through in the time that he'd been gone, though, and felt the guilt weighing in once more. He consistently thought that their lives would have been different, better than they were now, had he never left and gone to England. Killian wouldn't have turned to alcohol to hide the pain. He would never have met Colin or felt heart break at losing Killian. Their relationship only would have grown stronger. He could have found some college to go to in the states. He had gotten into Cambridge, he easily could have gotten into another Ivy League university stateside so that he could stay close to home. They could have been stronger; they never would have had to know what it was like to live without the other.

The more Killian talked, the more Jackson started to calm down. The more his rationale started coming back, the more his irrational side started calming down. He didn't know how he could have seriously thought that Killian was cheating on him. Not that he was wrong to be worried about Hunter flirting with his husband - Hunter was clearly flirting with his husband - but he had been entirely wrong to think that Killian would have ever cheated on him. It broke his heart, looking up at Killian, to think that he had caused the tears that were currently in his husband's eyes. Leaning forward, he pressed a loving kiss to his husband's lips. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, his voice still broken as the tears started to fall again. "I just...I don't know what got in to my head. I...I just can't imagine my life without you. I-I can't see how I got this..this lucky," he said softly, looking down.

"He's...he's better looking than I am, he's got a better paying job, I'm sure he's probably better in other areas than I am...he's been flirting non-stop, and...and...and my brain just...I don't even know." He couldn't bring himself to actually look his husband in the eye. How could he look the other man in the eyes after all of this nonsense.

Killian-

Killian still didn't know who Jackson was talking about, and raised his eyebrows. "Honey, who is him and he? I really -- I'm really oblivious, I guess, because I have no idea who you're talking about, honestly." He let out a soft laugh, running his fingers through Jackson's hair. "You're not the only lucky one here. Remember that, okay? I still cannot fathom how I landed you. How, even back then, you were interested in me. I was a troublemaker, I got in fights, I did stupid pranks, I got detention more times than I can even remember. And a jock wanted me all that time? Are you kidding me? I didn't even work out back then. I was pretty scrawny, actually. I was not attractive. I was a loser in a pack of misfits who smoked pot and skipped school and -- and honestly, I did a lot of that shit, too. I was not in the same social circle as you. You were popular. I was dumb."

"And then you came back and decided you still loved me? Even though I was an alcoholic with a dead beat job and a shitty apartment? Like, there was nothing to love there. Most people would have said 'so sorry, you're clearly missing some screws now, so I'm going to take my happy ass back to England with my stupid fucking fiance who Killian still hates'--" He paused, before letting out a small laugh. "Sorry. You get my point. There was never much to love. And honestly, there still isn't. I'm as dumb as a bag of rocks. My job is probably one of the easiest ever in the teaching career, and I make, like, two thirds of what you do."

"You're the breadwinner, smart guy here, if you haven't noticed. I'm... kind of just living in your shadow at this point." He was self-depreciating, but he still never stopped smiling. "So you think you're lucky? Try being me and being married to you. It's honestly intimidating. I mean, you speak Latin. Latin! I can't even do basic algebra anymore, and I've completely forgotten Spanish! You know a dead language! Do you know how awesome that is? I am constantly in awe of you and how fucking amazing you are. Honestly --" He took his hands off Jackson and made a bomb sound as he moved his hands in the 'mind blown' gesture.

Jackson-

"I'm talking about Hunter," he said with a heavy sigh. "He's been flirting with you ever since he came back into your life. And I-I tried to ignore it. I did. I knew it didn't mean much to you. I just...that comment about me blindsiding you into marrying me? That...that hurt," he said softly, looking down again. He didn't know why he let Hunter get under his skin like that, but he couldn't help it. He was so worried about losing Killian that it took over sometimes. He listened as Killian spoke about how he couldn't believe that he had landed Jackson, about how a jock wanted him despite the fact that he wasn't one of the 'popular' kids. "I hated most of the popular kids, if you remember that," he teased with a quiet chuckle. "Plus, maybe I had a thing for bad boys." The smile came back to his lips, finally, and his breathing started to return to normal.

"For the record, there was everything to love, and there still is. When I left and when I came back," he said adamantly. "You might have been in a darker place, and...and that was my fault," he said softly, feeling the guilt weighing down on him still. "You might have been a darker version of yourself, but you were still you. I could still see you, even behind the alcoholism. I could still see the guy I fell in love with when I was a teenager. The man who'd had my heart since I was 16. Probably longer, if I really thought about it." He grimaced a bit when Killian brought up Colin. "Colin never held a candle to you," he said with a shake of his head. "I didn't even start seeing him until...maybe a year before I came home. And even then..." He trailed off, shaking his head a little as he thought about it. "He could never even begin to compare to you. In a million years. And you're not dumb," he stressed, reaching up to take Killian's face in his own. "You are not. You never were. Stop saying that you are. You're not. You might not make as much as I do, but that's not a huge deal. I don't care how much you make or you don't make. You're the love of my life, and I couldn't bare to live without you," he added.

As the subject turned to how lucky Killian thought he was to have Jackson, Jackson just shook his head a bit. He genuinely didn't think he was that special, but he was glad that his husband saw something in him that he didn't see. He couldn't help but laugh softly when Jackson made a gesture to signify that Jackson blew his mind. Taking Killian's hands in his own, he kissed his hands softly, pausing to kiss each knuckle as he did so. "I love you. So much. So. So. Much."

Killian-

At the mention of Hunter, Killian couldn't help but let out a loud laugh. Really, honestly couldn't help it. But he didn't get a chance to talk about it as the conversation continued on. When Jackson said that Killian wasn't dumb, he couldn't help but roll his eyes. He appreciated his husband saying that, really. He honestly did. But Killian probably wasn't going to be convinced any time soon, honestly. "You realize that I only know half the stuff I do because of you, right? I mean, I almost flunked out of high school. I almost dropped out of high school because I was flunking so bad. You're the only reason I graduated, and you're the reason I went to college. Which --" He shook his head. "I'm still not sure how I passed, honestly. And since you've been back, all this new vocabulary and random facts I know? Who do you think I learned it from? You, dumbo. I retained almost nothing from high school. I know I'm not stupid. I know that. But I'm not smart, either. I never was, Jacky. I struggled in school every single year of it. I can't take tests, I can't learn complicated stuff -- my brain just doesn't let me. Maybe I had an  undiagnosed learning disability, I don't know. I may be a teacher now -- of five year olds -- but I'm not smart. I never was, I never will be. That's just me. I've accepted that. Honestly, I've accepted that I had to ask my new friend 'Jackster' what the difference between affect and effect was when I was in high school. I mean, that's just sad."

"I love you, too," Killian said, smiling softly and leaning in to steal a kiss. "With everything I have. But can we go back to Hunter for a second here? Because I honestly think it's hilarious that you thought I was cheating with him." He laughed, grinning. "I never had feelings for him, Jacky. Never. He is a pompous, egotistical smart ass, and he seems like he still is, from what I've seen." He shrugged a little, grin still in place. "Did I used to fool around with him? Yeah, sure. I slept with a lot of people in high school -- not that I'm proud of that, of course. And did I sleep with him after we split? Yeah, I did, a time or two. He was there, and he was a good distraction for the time being. But you know what? I haven't seen him in ten years before he showed back up. He left Cotton Plant and he did not look back. And guess what, my love? I didn't give two shits. I didn't care that he left. He didn't mean anything to me. I didn't bat an eye when he left. You? Well,  you know how that turned out. He can't compare to you."

"Is he hotter? Fuck no. You're the most gorgeous, magnificent, sexy, beautiful creature on the planet to me. My eyes are so honored to be looking upon you in this moment, and every other moment I spend with you. There is no one more attractive in the world to me than you are. Does he make more money than you? Uh, yeah. Honey, he's a doctor, from what I've heard. If you had stayed in England for the eight years that would have taken, I'd be dead right now. I mean, I hate to say that, but it's true. I would have died of alcohol poisoning. It's that simple. And even if you went to medical school in the states, do you realize how long of hours you'd be working right now? No. No, no, no. I am far too selfish to let you work that much. I don't care if you would've made enough for us to live in a mansion with servants. No. You're simply not allowed. I like having you around too much."

"Now, is he better in other areas?" Killian grinned. "No, definitely not. No one has ever made me cum without my dick being touched but you. No one's made me scream like you, or squirm like you, or made me see as many stars. And... with you, you know, it's not just sex. We're in love. So it makes it so much more special, to be opening up ourselves to each other like that and showing our vulnerabilities. You're my favorite person that I've ever slept with, and that's including Hunter."

"As for that stupid blindsided comment? He's a dick sometimes, ignore him. You didn't blindside me, or trick me into marrying you. If you didn't notice, for some reason -- we waited a long time to get married, baby. If I wanted out, I would have left a while ago. It's not like we took a trip to Vegas as soon as you got back and got hitched. We took our time. So who cares what Hunter says? He likes to get under people's skin. He's that kind of guy. You can either ignore him, or punch him in the face. Personally, I wouldn't be opposed to you knocking him around a bit, that'd be hot."

Killian took a deep breath. He didn't think he had talked so much at once in his life, and that was saying something. "No one is better in my eyes than you. I don't care if they're Channing Tatum. You're my number one. I mean, until we have kids, then you'll be knocked down a few notches." He shrugged, grinning. "Actually... now that I've unintentionally brought up the subject... when might you wanna have some little ones running around?" He asked a bit hopefully, but cautiously, poking Jackson in the stomach repeatedly as he spoke.(edited)

Jackson-

Jackson couldn't help but roll his eyes a bit as Killian literally laughed out loud at the mention that it had been Hunter who Jackson had thought got between them. He would have said something, but now that he was talking - and was kind of on a roll - he wasn't about to stop what he was saying just so they could focus on Hunter. Once he was finished, though, he finally stayed quiet long enough for Killian to respond; though, admittedly, he couldn't help but laugh when Killian mentioned their short conversation on the difference between affect and effect. That was one day he'd never forget. It was the first time that Killian had kissed him; it was only on the cheek, but it had been enough to momentarily stun Jackson while Killian had run away to meet up with his friends. "Okay, sure. Maybe because I helped you get through, sure, but baby. You're smarter than you think you are. You did all the work. You took all the tests, not me. You graduated from high school because you worked for it. I might have helped. I will give you that. I helped you study, I helped you learn, but you passed on your own merit."

He laughed softly at Killian's assertion that he wasn't sure how he'd passed college. He was pretty sure that was how most college graduates felt; even he wasn't sure how he'd survived five years of college and managed to graduate at the top of his class. Though, all he did for the most part was study to keep his mind off of Killian at the time, so it made sense that he'd done so well. The idea that Killian might have had a learning disability, though, had actually occurred to him more than once; he'd even asked one of his teachers at one point, but they're more or less ignored it because of the people Killian hung out with; the more he thought about it, the more he thought that maybe - even now - they should get him tested for some sort of learning disability. "And, for the record, I didn't learn the difference between affect and effect until I was in high school. None of the teachers ever explained it well enough. I found this really old English text book from the 1800s, and oddly enough they explained it perfectly," he laughed softly. It was a fact that still amused him to this day.

Jackson hummed against the kiss that his husband leaned in to steal, ready to steal another when Killian turned the subject to Hunter. He was about to shake his head - say no, he didn't want to talk about Hunter - but then Killian mentioned he thought the notion that he could cheat on Jackson with Hunter was hilarious. That left Jackson mildly confused, and he was more that sure that it showed on his face. Jackson stayed quiet as Killian talked about Hunter and the way he felt - or didn't feel for the Doctor. As Killian went on and on about the areas that Jackson had brought up - the ones that made him feel inferior - Jackson couldn't keep the smile from forming on his lips. He'd never heard Killian talk this much all at once - except maybe once when he was really excited - but the fact that he was willing to talk this much just to sooth Jackson's worries and insecurities meant the world to him. It only showed him even further how much Killian loved him.

When Killian paused long enough to catch his breath, Jackson took the chance to close the distance between the two of them, taking his husband's face in his hands and kissing him deeply. He loved this man so much, and he felt so lucky that Killian had chosen him. That Killian had married him, despite his bullshit insecurities and inability to show his vulnerable side until he was an absolute mess. Despite the fact that he wasn't perfect and felt like Killian deserved more - better - he was still in awe at the fact that Killian had chosen him. Probably a lot like the way Killian was in awe that Jackson was with him. When he pulled back and Killian told him that he didn't want any one else, not even Channing Tatum, and that he would always be number one, Jackson felt his smile widen. Though soon enough, the subject turned to children and he felt nerves creeping up a bit. He wanted children, of course he did. He had been wanting to talk about it for a while now, but he had never been sure Killian wanted them. There was a difference between teaching children and raising one of their own. He had been about to reply when Killian poked him in the stomach and his muscles screamed in revolt, suddenly choosing that moment to remind him how hard he had pushed himself. He groaned quietly in pain at the small, seemingly meaningless action of his husband poking his stomach before sighing a bit. He would prefer to move inside - somewhere that his muscles could relax and he could actually enjoy the talk - but he didn't want to interrupt what they had. What they were talking about. The air that they had now.

"I want children..." he paused for a moment before a smile graced his lips. "whenever you're ready. I've...I've been wanting to talk to you about it for a while, I just...didn't know how to bring it up."

Killian-

Killian's eyes lit up bright like a child on Christmas day. Jackson wanted kids. Well, of course Killian knew that. They had discussed it forever ago, a short conversation about their future. But things were constantly changing, people were. So he wasn't sure if it was still on Jackson's plan for the future. "Really?" he asked, bouncing up and down slightly from excitement and happiness. "Baby, I'm ready. Like, let's go start making calls kind of ready." He took Jackson's hand, pulling him gently inside. This would probably turn into a long conversation. He led his husband to the living room, sitting down on the couch. "Adoption or surrogate? There's pros and cons to both, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a mini-you running around. Hopefully a girl, though." He put his hands over his heart, looking heart stricken. "I want a little girl so bad. They're so much fun. All the clothes, and toys, and tea parties... But of course I'd be okay with a boy, too. Any child. Any race, gender, whatever. I just want one. So, so badly. Can we please have a baby?"

Jackson-

Jackson's smile widened when he noticed how happy Killian was at the notion that he still wanted children. He knew that Killian had wanted kids, but he hadn't known that it was this intense. He couldn't help the laugh that broke through his lips as Killian started bouncing up and down in place; that's how Jackson knew he was really excited. He was practically brimming with happiness. "Of course really," he said with a smile and a nod. "We should start looking into agencies, then," he added. He groaned loudly as Killian took his hand and pulled him to his feet. "Sorry," he apologized, holding his sides before pulling himself up slowly. Fuck, his body hurt so bad. But he wasn't about to let that deter him from talking about children. They were talking about starting a family. Starting their future. He couldn't believe they were really, finally talking about this. Sitting down on the couch, he sighed softly before relaxing into the couch. He honestly wasn't sure how the hell he was going to get up and off of the couch when it was time to go to bed. As Killian talked about wanting a mini-Jackson running around, but also wanting a little girl as well, Jackson's heart soared and his face brightened. It was so nice to see his husband this excited about having children. He laughed gently as Killian asked if they could have a baby, nodding in response. "Of course we can have a baby. I'd be lying if I hadn't said that I'd always wanted a little girl. A little girl with your eyes and your smile," he said, reaching across to lightly run his thumb across Killian's jaw and over his lower lip for a moment before letting his hand fall. "I'm definitely ready to have a baby," he said with a nod, smiling. "Though, arguably, I'd like to see a mini version of you running around here."

Killian-

"Okay, okay, there's a way to solve this," Killian said, nodding. A grin was plastered on his face the whole time. They were going to have a family. A little boy or girl to call their own. Killian loved his niece dearly, and he wouldn't trade her for the world. But he always felt sad when she left, and he was entirely jealous of his brother for having a child. Of course, Liam was much older, but 29 wasn't exactly young, either. And him and Jackson had been together for years. Why not start their family? They were ready. Their house was too quiet sometimes -- well, occasionally. Killian was rather loud, so it was never really quiet. "How about we plan for two? Not, like, you know, right away. But I definitely want more than one kid, at least two, so it's not a weird thought, right? And! I know how to decide who gets to jizz in a cup first." He laughed softly. "We both will."

"They'll mix it up and all that stuff and we won't really know who the biological father is. I'm sure we'll have our guesses as they get older, but that's then. And then for the second one, we can do it again. Though if the child comes out with red hair, it's obviously mine. Stupid Irish heritage. Speaking of that, I'm getting a little pale, I need to go tanning..." He shook himself out of his distracting thought. "Anyway, if the first one comes out obvious -- Irish, basically -- then we'll know and whoever isn't the biological father will just take the next one. But hopefully we won't be able to tell, and it'll just be a beautiful little thing with all the perfect qualities. Though, honestly, they'll be beautiful no matter what." He jumped up and down in his seat. "I'm so excited! I have to text Liam tomorrow. I have to. So we're decided on a surrogate, right? I mean, adoption is great, and everything -- I just, I don't know. I really want it to be really ours, you know? And a little girl with your nose--" He tapped Jackson on the nose, happy pouting. He scrunched up his fists and shook them slightly in excitement. "It would be so cute."

Jackson-

Jackson could help the loud laugh that burst past his lips at Killian's remark about how they would decide who gave their sperm first, though his words were much more crass - which was what had caused Jackson to laugh. The smile never left his lips while they were talking. They were finally going to have a family, and he felt like things couldn't have been better for them. Financially, they were set for children. Their house was more than big enough for another child, even two. If all else failed, he could convert his office into another bedroom and grade papers from the kitchen or something. This was really happening. They were really going to start a family together. It was almost too surreal, but he was thrilled that they were taking this step. Granted, his happiness wasn't quite as detectable as Killian's - mainly because it hurt to move - but he was still incredibly happy. He nodded as Killian explained his idea on how they would both put their sperm into a cup and mix it together; it was a smart idea, and one that he'd heard of happening before. It was a good way for neither one of them to truly get jealous or play favorites. The child would be their's, but - short of anything incredibly obvious, such as red hair like Killian had mentioned - neither would know who was the biological father. He couldn't help but laugh as his husband got off track while talking about his heritage. "I think you look amazing. For once, you're the pale one," he teased, leaning over with a smile to press a light kiss on his husband's lips.

Then suddenly Killian was off again, talking about their future child and how he'd have to text his brother tomorrow. He could tell his siblings when the reality became...well, real, but the only person he wanted to tell in that moment was his mother. He might not have spoken to his father in over a decade, but his mother was a different story. His mother actively kept in touch with her son; she had even set aside money for Jackson in an account that his father hadn't known about for when he got married - it was partially how they had afforded to buy the home they were in. "Yes. We're decided on a surrogate. I mean, maybe if we have more than two kids we can adopt the third, but I'm definitely in agreement about wanting a surrogate," he said, nodding as he spoke. He scrunched his face a little as Killian tapped him on the nose, but the smile never left his face. He was so happy seeing how happy his husband was; he was so happy that they were finally having this conversation. "I'm so glad we've finally sat down to talk about this. I..." he paused for a moment. "I wanted to bring this up...months ago."

Killian-

"Months ago?" Killian asked, letting out a laugh. "Baby, why didn't you say something? Do you realize how long I've wanted kids? I mean, like, sure -- I knew that I wanted kids back in high school. I always knew it was going to happen, some time or another. But recently? I don't know, the past year maybe?" He thought for a moment, his stupid grin never leaving his face. "Okay, maybe we're both to blame, then. Because I probably could have said something, too. But we're talking now, and that's all that matters." He couldn't believe it was finally happening. Killian had always wanted to be a father, had always known that was part of the plan for his future. But to actually start talking about it seriously was a dream come true for him. "Okay, so on the subject of a surrogate... Are we going to go through an agency of some kind? Put an ad in the paper? Find someone we're friends with and ask if they'd be okay with us knocking them up?" He let out a small laugh. "Why can't men have babies? This is preposterous!" He paused for a moment, thinking, before continuing. "I do think we need an anonymous egg donor, though. Through an agency. I don't want whoever carries our child to think they have some sort of claim, if that makes sense? I mean, of course they'll be in the child's life if they want, I'd never deny my child a mother. But I've read and seen so many issues with the birth mother keeping the child and getting away with it because it's her child, too. You know, biologically. I don't want to deal with that."

Jackson-

Jackson shrugged just a little before laughing softly. "I don't know," he said with another shake of his head. "I guess...I guess I wanted to wait until we were financially stable, and I've always wanted to wait until I was a little older before I considered having kids. But I'm almost 30, and I...well, I think it's a good time. We're at a good place," he paused for a moment. "Well...I mean, we are now - minus my little melt down back there," he said with a chuckle. "The past year?? And you're getting on me about a few months," he laughed. As the conversation turned to their surrogate, he nodded a bit as Killian talked about the options. "Men having babies would be much easier. I guess it just makes it easier on us, though. No unplanned pregnancies," he said with a soft laugh. "We have to actively think about wanting a child. About what goes into it. So we don't go into it unprepared," he said with another nod.  "Personally, I'd prefer we had an anonymous egg donor," he said in the silence in which Killian was thinking. He nodded in agreement as Killian expressed his thoughts. "That's what I was thinking. Of course the mother would be more than welcome to be in our child's life, but...I don't want to think about going through all that time, all that waiting, all that hope, and then having it ripped away at the last second. That would be...like, hell..."

Killian-

"Good, that's settled then," Killian said with a smile. "We'll start looking into agencies for an egg donor, and soon we'll talk about who the surrogate could be." He nodded. "Now, let's talk about you." He crossed his arms over his chest, raising his eyebrows at his husband. "I've seen those looks on your face since you got back. You honestly really did spend three hours at the gym, didn't you? I'm sore just looking at you. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to run a bath in the downstairs bathroom -- because I'm not carrying your ass upstairs -- you're going to relax, and I'm going to give you a massage. Then when you get out, I'm going to rub icy hot everywhere and you're just going to have to deal with the smell because you did this to yourself. And if you ever think I'm cheating on you again and basically kill yourself at the gym instead of talking to me, I'm going to pretend I don't know you're in pain and guilt trip you into doing something physical with me. Whether it be swimming, or sex, or -- hey, the Wii works too. Okay?" He grinned and leaned over, stealing a kiss, before getting up from the couch.

Jackson-

Jackson nodded a bit with a smile; he was so happy that they were finally going to start doing this. He had known from a young age that he wanted children. He wanted to prove that he could be a better father than his own ever was to him, whether the child be a boy or a girl. He wanted a child to love and spoil and raise as his own - prove to his family, particularly his father, that just because he was gay didn't mean that he could never have a family. As Killian seemed to get serious, turning the conversation onto Jackson, he looked down for a moment and sank back into the couch a little. He hadn't really meant to overdo it at the gym, but his brain had been hammering down the fact that he wasn't good enough, and all he wanted to do was shut it up. He listened to his husband's plans for him for the night, and he couldn't help but smile. "A massage would be nice, but you don't have to do that, baby. I can get myself upstairs. Like you said, it's my fault I'm in this much pain anyway," he said with a small shake of his head. As Killian got up from the couch, preparing to go get the bath ready - because, honestly, it didn't matter how much Jackson might have opposed, Killian was going to do what he could to make Jackson feel better - Jackson grabbed his arm in a quick reflex, suppressing the urge to groan a bit as his shoulder muscles revolted against him. Pulling Killian down into his lap for a moment, he smiled before leaning in and kissing him once more. "I love you," he whispered against Killian's lips, pulling back after a few moments. "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

Killian-

Killian let out a little yelp of surprise as he was pulled down into Jackson's lap. He grinned at his husband, scrunching up his nose a bit. "Nah. I'm pretty sure I hold that title because I have you. My love runs deeper for you than the deepest part of the ocean. And, I'm no nerd like you, but I'm pretty sure that's crazy deep." He kissed Jackson softly, lovingly, before getting up off his husband. He didn't want to hurt him. "You stay here. I'll be back for you momentarily, okay?" He leaned down, kissing the top of Jackson's head, before walking down the hall. He started up the hot water in the bathtub, making sure it wasn't too hot, but still pretty hot so Jackson's muscles could relax. Turning to the counter, he opened the door and grabbed some reed diffusers, and stuck them in a small vase. He grabbed some lilac scented oil and poured a small amount in, hoping the scent would fill the room shortly. After that was done, he returned to the living room, and bent at the knees next to his husband, wrapping the other man's arm around his shoulders. "Alright, c'mon. Up you go, babe." He carefully helped Jackson to his feet, before walking down the hall with him.

Jackson-

Jackson grinned against the kiss at the surprise in his husband's voice when he had been pulled down. "Mariana Trench, just under 7 miles deep at it's deepest point," he remarked with a smirk, as if confirming Killian's nerd comment. He never truly considered himself a nerd. No, he thought of himself as passionate.  And only about some things. "And how about we just agree that we're both the luckiest people in the world because we have each other. Hm?" he asked with a smile before returning his husband's soft kiss. As Killian got up and went to prepare the bath, Jackson sighed softly and relaxed even further into the couch. Why had they bought a couch that was so damn comfortable? It was going to be mild hell trying to get up, but he would do what he had to; his husband was doing everything he could to try and make him feel better, and damned if he was going to brush that off. He closed his eyes for what felt like seconds, but soon Killian was back and helping him up off the couch. He took a deep breath and let out a quiet sound of pain as he got up off the couch, wrapping his arm around Killian's shoulder. "Mm, nope. Nope. You're too tall," he said with a laugh before moving his arm and securing it around his husband's waist instead. "I love your height though. It's perfect," he added with a smirk; the fact that his husband was over four inches taller than him definitely came in handy in other situations. Leaning against Killian for support, Jackson inhaled deeply as they got to the bathroom and groaned quietly in approval. "It smells amazing in here. You're so sweet," he remarked with a smile, leaning up to press a light kiss to Killian's jaw.

Killian-

"I know," Killian said with a grin. He walked Jackson over to the toilet and helped him sit down on the closed lid, before grabbing the bottom of his husband's shirt and pulling it up over his head gently. "Can't take a bath fully clothed." He smirked slightly at his own statement; there had been a time or two where Jackson had been taking a bath, and Killian jumped in fully clothed. Killian got to work on the other man's shoes and socks. "I still honestly don't know why you thought Hunter of all people. I mean, I'd think that you'd think Link first. We're opening up a bread shop together, after all." He undid his husband's jeans, before pausing. "Alright, I guess you're going to have to stand for this, but you can put your weight on my shoulders." He helped Jackson stand up, before tugging the fabric (and the underwear) down enough to where Jackson could sit again. Which Killian, of course, helped him do, before pulling the garments completely off.

Jackson-

Jackson winced a bit as he sat down and his calf muscles seemed to scream in responses. No more lunges for a while. Or...well, no more gym for a few days at least. He needed to give his muscles a chance to bounce back. He couldn't help but laugh at Killian's remark about not taking baths fully clothed, lifting his arms so that his husband could pull his shirt off easier. "You're one to talk," he commented with a grin. "I seem to remember more than a few times when you hopped into the bathtub fully clothed, shoes and all," he laughed. Kicking his shoes and socks off with Killian's help, Jackson shrugged a bit before shaking his head a little. "Well...1) I didn't know that you were opening a bread shop with Link," he said with a smile. "And 2) I know that Link would never try to come between a married couple just because he thinks one of them is hot. I can't really say the same for Hunter. I don't know if he would, but it wouldn't surprise me," he finished, shaking his head a little. It still pissed him off that Hunter had so openly flirt with his husband, despite knowing that Killian was married. Standing up with Killian's help, he held on to his husband's shoulders while the man undid his jeans and then tugged the rest of his clothes down. Once he was seated again, he smiled as he watched Killian working to get his clothes off, working gingerly as to not hurt him any more than his muscles already were. "You're the sweetest guy I've ever known, you know that?" he asked, reaching out to lightly run his fingers through Killian's hair.

Killian-

Killian gave a cocky smile, looking up at Jackson from his knelt position on the floor. "I know. But only for you." Which was a lie, of course, but it sounded sweet. Killian tried to be the nice guy for everyone around him, because jerks were just -- well, they were jerks. He liked spreading light and positivity wherever he went. And if he could make one person smile that day, he knew he did his job. "Alright, Superman. Tub time." He stood from his position and helped Jackson stand, before walking him over to the water and helping him slowly sit down in the heat. "I know it's really hot, but you'll get used to it, and it'll help your muscles more." He turned off the water, before kneeling down behind Jackson in the tub. It was a small space, not really enough room for his long limbs, but he'd survive. He placed his hands on Jackson's shoulders, starting to gently massage the muscles there. He smiled softly, and leaned forward, kissing the back of Jackson's head before whispering in his ear. "I love you forever, Jacky."

Jackson-

Jackson smiled at Killian's response. He knew that was an obvious lie. If he'd never known Killian in high school or when he had been an alcoholic, Jackson probably would have thought that his husband didn't have a mean bone in his body. He knew that the other man was possessive and protective, but he also knew that it was only because he loved others so intensely that he never wanted to see them hurt. Beyond that, Killian was Jackson's personal ray of sunshine at least 90% of the time. He just didn't like being mean to other people. Jackson bit his lip to stop himself from groaning or wincing again as he stood up - he really hated making Killian see him like this - before he hissed as he put his foot in the tub. "Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot," he murmured as he slipped down into the hot water until he was fully immersed in the tub - or at least, up to his shoulders. Leaning back against the porcelain of the tub, Jackson finally started to relax as he felt his muscles finally starting to release the tension they'd been holding the longer he was in the tub. As Killian started to massage his shoulders, Jackson let out a low groan and let his head fall back against his husband's chest while he continued his massage and his eyes fell closed. It took a few seconds for his husband's words to sink in, but a smile stretched across his lips as they did. "I love you forever, Kil."

[housebeleren]

Commander 2019 New Cards

Alright, after looking at all the new Legendary creatures, it’s time to review all the other cards in the Commander 2019 decks. Since there are a lot of them, I’m going to blaze through these quickly. So let’s get to it.

Honestly, I’m not really seeing it. Most of the time, it’s going to function as a bad extra turn spell for a deck that needs it but doesn’t have access to Blue. Even then, is it really worth it? Given that you have to let your left opponent get a turn before you can take an extra one, I’m not thinking so.

If it had Haste, it’d be phenomenal. As is, there are some decks that may still be interested. Mono-Red decks, Vampire decks, and Madness decks (shocker there) might all find uses for it.

Apex Altisaur is enormous, and it’ll take out any number of creatures you want when it hits the field. Obviously Gishath Dino decks will want this, and I can definitely see it finding a home in Mayael (or similar) decks as well. Even just really big ramp decks could make it happen.

Archfiend is a decent deal at 5 mana, but just a little too costly at 7 mana given that it has no immediate impact. Could be a fun inclusion in Kaalia builds. Might hold back a few attackers, but mostly it’ll just get swept up in board wipes ore straight up killed if you’re casting it for full cost.

Cute. Problem is most of the decks that want another Past in Flames don’t really want to have a 5 drop creature telegraphing their big turn. I do like that it doesn’t cost anything on the attack, so it gives you more mana to play with once you get it started. But most storm decks don’t have much room for this, so it’ll be relegated to 75% spellslinger builds.

Quite honestly, this is one of my favorite new cards in the set. In many cases, this is going to function like straight-up removal, all for cheap generic mana, and with the possibility to reuse, if the creatures get removed or traded with. And generally, even if your opponents have Artifact removal, there are likely going to be more pressing targets on board. I’m absolutely going to try this in a few decks.

Bone Miser is Waste Not for your own discards, so automatically there are some decks (like Nekusar wheels) that will be interested. I do wish it were a little bit cheaper, though. Like, why did this have to be a 5 mana 4/4? I’d have happily traded a few points of P/T for one or two mana off the cost.

Basically like a one-shot Mother of Runes. Cute if you have recursion and some stuff you reaaaally want to protect, basically unplayable if you don’t.

Does absolutely fuck all if you’ve yet to cast your commander, and is a strictly worse Glorious Anthem if you’ve cast your commander once. If you’re already had to cast your commander twice it’s a slightly cheaper Dictate of Heliod. A card which... doesn’t really see play. If you’ve got a really cheap commander like Rhys the Redeemed, or in some sort of Sidar Kondo partner build, I guess it’s possible. But I’m thinking cutting this is a really easy first upgrade to these precons. (After fixing the godawful mana base, that is.)

Okay, but is it weird that my first thought for this card is to try it out in my Oloro deck? That deck is all about the lifegain triggers, and this draws out the entire deck when paired with Drogskol Reaver or Lich’s Mastery, or, more slowly, with Oloro himself or Well of Lost Dreams. In other words, it’s a combo piece for a Lab-Man win. Curse decks are also a thing in casual circles, and this is a fun inclusion for those as well. You could also try it in a wheels deck, but it’s unfortunate it only hits one opponent when used that way.

Calling it now, this is the best new non-Legendary card in the set. Red decks will be all over this, and it’s not hard to imagine scenarios where this generates 10 or more mana for a tiny investment. Even early, he’s likely to make up for his casting cost and ramp you into your bigger spells. This is a huge boon for Red decks, and if you have a cheap way to recur or retrigger his ability, he’s phenomenal.

It’s been pointed out that the combination of artwork and flavor text is very ableist in tone, and I can’t disagree. The art is very evocative, but the flavor text is really unfortunately worded. Regarding the ability, I don’t think it’s that great. It makes tokens too slowly to be threatening, and then he has to die before they can swing? I’ll pass. The one exception I can think of are sacrifice decks that need another Ophiomancer effect. Something to continually churn out a token every turn could be useful in the right context.

I actually really like Empowered Autogenerator. It’ll be too slow for a lot of decks, but you only need a few turns to get it going, and it’s likely to be a low priority target until it’s generating at least 3 or more mana. In a deck with cards like Unwinding Clock, Voltaic Key, or proliferation, this can get out of control pretty quickly. I’m willing to try it out.

This... doesn’t seem great. Maybe if you can create insane amounts of mana, you can make a little army or something? It’s probably best if you can copy tokens that have an ETB effect of some kind, but even then, I’m not seeing it.

As a Rolling Thunder variant, you could do worse. I really wish this could hit Planeswalkers and players too, because that would at least give it some added utility as a potential kill spell. As is, I doubt it has much potential.

This is cute. First of all, it’s an Indestructibility for Black, which makes it somewhat interesting if you’re looking to keep your commander or another crucial creature safe. But lots of Black decks have piles of sac fodder, which means this can often be cast for 3. Some decks with commanders essential to their plan may be interested in this.

Hate mirage is interesting. Ideally, you’ll want to find creatures with good ETB effects, but since you can’t pick your own creatures, you’re are the mercy of your opponents’ decks. In general, I think it’s not going to be good enough to merit a slot in most decks outside of Ghired, and even then it’s unsure.

Most of the time, this is only going to be the first ability, so I mainly see it being useful in decks that make lots of tokens. There’s some fun synergy with The Locust God, but I’m not sure if it’s enough to warrant a slot. It also works really well with cards like Smothering Tithe, because it doesn’t specify you have to create a creature token. Probably the best use for this would be in a token-centric White deck that doesn’t have lots of good access to card draw otherwise.

Fun flashbacky twist on Light Up the Stage and similar effects. It feels like it’s just slightly on the underpowered edge for most decks, but there might be some that like it for flavor or just for the fun of it. I do like that it doesn’t whiff if you hit lands, as you can still play those. There’s possibly some fun for it in a deck like Vial Smasher, since it can be some quick card advantage early, and once you have plenty of mana, casting it for 8 is a huge hit to the dome, plus can set you up for some other big plays. I dunno, it’s worth experimenting with.

Another fun morph counter variant to add to the morph pile. I also like that the cost to turn it up is pretty negligible, which makes this a fun trick people won’t be expecting. I’d play it in a dedicated morph deck, and probably not anywhere else.

Man oh man, people are salty about this card. And I’m here to say it really doesn’t matter. Honestly guys, this card is just not good enough to bother including in your deck. If you play against the same 3 decks every week, and those decks are Uril, Narset, and Sigarda, then by all means, run this card. But this is a card to answer specifically fucked up metas, and it’s just not good enough to run in your deck generically. Cus guess what, you’ll end up playing this against at a table against Oloro, Edgar, and Other Sigarda, and then won’t you feel fucking stupid? Yes, you will. Not a card worth being butthurt over when they’re printing cards like God-Eternal Kefnet in Standard.

Mandate of Peace is interesting. It’s a superpowered Fog that not only saves you for a turn, but also can counter any attack triggers that are on the stack in the process. If you’re running a deck that is interested in Fog effects, this is possibly the best one out there now, barring particularly synergistic things like Constant Mists in a lands deck or something.

Variant on a Polymorphist’s Jest. The cheaper cost and Flashback are nice, but Sorcery is a huge downside, since one of the big use cases of Jest is as a large-scale combat trick. Also, not nullifying abilities is unfortunate, since that’s the other place that Jest really shines. (Seriously, you haven’t lived until you’ve cast Polymorphist’s Jest against an Elf deck and suddenly their giant pile of synergies all turn off. It’s glorious.) Given all that, I’m not seeing it. Seems like an easy cut from the Flashback deck.

And here it is, the long-promised Black Enchantment removal. And honestly... meh. It’s cute, but the fact that your opponent gets to chose their worst among their Creatures and Enchantments makes me not think it’s going to work very often to hit the targets you want. Fun Standard card though. Oh wait...

As for Black Enchantment removal in general... I’m fine with it. I like that they’re not allowing for targeted removal. The ship has long since sailed on this, but I actually would have loved to see Blue get tertiary Enchantment removal, since it makes the most sense to me, flavorfully. (Seriously, the trope of smart Wizards being able to undo Enchantments is totally a thing, whereas this is... we made you so sad you gave up your Enchantment? Ehhhh.) The reason they can’t give it to Blue is that 1) Blue doesn’t need help, and 2) they’re dedicated to this idea that Blue can’t destroy anything. But, if we could have gone back far enough, there are some things I would have shifted out of Blue and into other colors that do need help, and allowed Blue to have Enchantment removal. But I’m not in charge, as I continually remind myself...

Super cute. Exile is super relevant, and it shouldn’t be hard to hit most of the table with it. And with a little luck and work, you can even set this up to be asymmetrical in your favor. I do wish it cost 4 mana, but that might be too good given the exile. Either way, I’d expect some decks to make good use of this.

Really? Of all the effects Green doesn’t need, better card draw is pretty much top of the list in my book. Like, does Green really need a Coastal Piracy? No, it very much does not. I’m okay with this effect on individual creatures like Ohran Viper, and on Auras like Keen Sense, but on a mass scale? I don’t think Green needs this, and it also doesn’t make much flavorful sense. In other words, I think the card is pretty good, and I can’t imagine that it won’t see play. Particularly in Snake decks and go-wide token decks.

Group hug rejoice! This is an auto-include in Zedruu decks, since even if they never activate it, you’ll get do draw cards. Also, I could see it being possible in mono Red or White decks that would enjoy the ramp & card draw and don’t have lots of access to either. 

Pretty cute. It’s Nature’s Spiral with an upside, so I expect any decks running that will run this instead of or along with it. For decks with costly Commanders, this could merit inclusion. Shame you can’t put it in a Phage deck. 

Probably the best new card in the set, other than maybe the Treasure Pirate dude, and that’s saying a lot. Any Commander with a good ETB effect is going to slam this card for sure. Just... yeah.

Also cute. Obviously this has a home in Reaper King decks, just for the creature type. But it’s got potential in other decks as well. Lands decks will be interested in the recursion, and some colors like mono White might be interested just for the ramp. Combos well with Land Tax, but it would be a lot better if it cost 3.

Very cute. The place where I think this has the most potential would be in some sort of flicker commander like Brago or Roon, because they’ll allow you to cheat on the mana cost of big creatures with this. Since there’s no inherent card advantage here, I’d rather run Primordial Mist or Whisperwood Elemental if I care specifically about having face-down creatures.

In the Populate deck, I think this has a home. Anywhere else, this is not a very efficient way to deal with Graveyards. But if you have good stuff to Populate, that’s just the extra upside.

I enjoy this card quite a bit. It’s a spell version of Sun Titan, and the Flashback is great. I would consider this in any deck I run the Titan in, as an extra way to get that type of effect. I’m also considering it for my Taigam deck, since that thing loves value spells to reuse over and over.

Meh, hard pass. Sorry, but a 3/3 flier just isn’t a card worth including in your deck, even if it can recur now and then. Granted, it doesn’t specify where you have to cast your Commander from, so it is a little better than it could be, but generally I’m not seeing it.

Ohhhhh.... what a huge missed opportunity. Why didn’t this cost 3WW? Then it could have been the start of a mega-cycle along with Inexorable Tide with the text “Whenever you cast a spell, [Mechanic]”. Seriously, how cool would that have been? Super cool, that’s what. As-is, it’s decent in the Populate deck, but 6 mana is a lot for a card that doesn’t do anything on its own. Cute with Smothering Tithe & other Treasure Tokens, giving you a mana back on every spell you cast.

Awww what a cute lil nugget! I like this card. Great trick for decks with plenty of creature fodder, and obviously fantastic in Zedruu (who is somehow getting lots of goodies this time around). Split Second is extra fun, since they can’t even respond to it. I’d consider this in any Blue deck with a decent number of expendable creatures.

Hellion is best if you can power him out early. Otherwise, you can cast Obliterate for one mana more and honestly, if you’re going for Land destruction, why not just do that? Maybe Lands decks like Lord Windgrace may be into this, because then if you have the most lands, you can still make use of the lands in grave. But overall this doesn’t seem that great.

Fun little riff off Burning Vengeance and Secrets of the Dead. Plays well with Kykar and Past in Flames. Not saying that’s what you have to do with this, but I’ll wait for you to tell me if that doesn’t sound glorious.

7 mana is a lot, but this starts generating advantage pretty fast. Shame it doesn’t help mana fix, which makes this better in multicolored decks than mono-Black, which would be the main home I’d look for it. I’d also consider it in gain-control decks like Sen Triplets, because the second ability may become relevant if you’re stealing lots of shit. This is a very 75% card.

Nekusar says “Hiiiiiiiiiii!” This little guy is A) Fucking adorable and B) actually pretty good. You definitely want to get at least 3 cards off this for it to be good, but the upside is enormous. Wheels decks will be all over this.

I mean, that’s a solid ETB effect, and will frequently draw you 2-3 cards. But for most decks looking for this type of thing (i.e. Elfball), the cheaper casting cost of Elvish Visionary is a huge boon. I don’t see this getting lots of play, as those decks only have so much room for 4 drops.

Interesting. It’s a fusion of Clone and Dungeon Geists, but that is for some reason also a Wall. So really it plays something like a Sower of Temptation, but that only lets you get access to the abilities of the target. Looking at it that way, I’d rather play Sower of Temptation unless I’m in a Walls deck like Arcades, in which case this is a cute piece of tech.

Really cute. I love cards like this, and the fact that it triggers on ETB and on upkeep makes this way better than some. I’d consider running it in Chaos decks or in decks like Vial Smasher, and I’m definitely going to put it in my Rakdos the Showstopper build.

So that’s it. All the new cards from Commander 2019. I’ve gotta say, I’m pretty impressed. Usually most of the new non-Legendary cards feel like big whiffs, but most of these seem like they could go in at least one deck. That’s a great place to start and I’m excited to see which cards become major players.

Have fun with Commander 2019!

[mittel-schmerz-blog]

ava and olivia

I’m looking at the impossible amount of dust motes and hairs that have worked themselves into minute tumbleweeds in the space between the toilet and the wall. My cheek is pressed against the cold tile and I’m wondering how long I’ll stay down here. I was planning on just using the bathroom as usual... but then I felt a jolt.

It was Ava letting me know that she’s finished with work and will be here in an hour to pick me up.

When I first got my iBrow done it was radical; now I just think it’s fucking annoying. Eight months ago, I spent $2,500.00 on what was being hailed as ‘the only dermal piercing with a purpose’, but now I’m seriously considering getting it removed.

Honestly, the fact that notifications pop into my line of vision when I’m doing things like driving is just much more unsettling than I had anticipated. Once, I set up a Google Alert for Saint West. Then, that Thursday, as I was driving to work, I felt a shock and he was suddenly sitting right there on my dash, telling me about his latest endeavors.

Maddie sold me on getting this thing implanted in my face even though I was content with my Apple Watch. She told me how totally psychotic I looked talking into my hand in public, that this new low-touch technology would be perfect for my lifestyle. She, of course, kept her Apple Watch because she maintains that she can utilize the technology in an acceptable, ladylike manner and besides, she would look stupid with an eyebrow ring.

“God, Olivia, I don’t see why you’re content to collapse all the time,” Maddie says, exasperated. Right now she’s sitting on my bed, boring holes into my bottom half which is sticking out the door of my bathroom.

Now, sometimes, when I get a text message, I get so startled that I trip and fall. The alert is a low frequency hum, so you feel it more than you hear it. No one else on earth seems to have this problem, however. I asked the technician about it as she was putting the piercing gun to my face but all she said was, “Don’t worry, the mechanism is self explanatory” and pulled the trigger. So now I’m too embarrassed to admit to anyone that I still can’t figure it out. Even after going through all the training modules, I only ever seem to turn it off by accident.

The only thing I can do reliably is turn the whole thing off -- which seems counterproductive -- so I’m just trying to learn to live with it.

“I’m fine,” I say, but it comes out muffled because my face is glued to this floor.

Maddie can make out what I’m saying from this position even though my voice has to travel around the toilet, off the tub, and out the door to reach her. We have been here before.

“Bullshit,” she sniffs. “You’re always falling into things and then I have to scrape you off of disgusting public floors!”

“Well at least this time I fell in my own bedroom.”

“Ha.” But she’s not laughing. “You know, if you would just talk to Dr. Elano, I’m sure she would prescribe you something to prevent these spells, since you refuse to just, you know...” She Frankenstein-shudders like she’s being electrocuted.

She adds, quietly, “I know you’re down on it, but I really think a little ECT could be just the ticket.”

Electroconvulsive Therapy is the new ‘it’ thing again among celebrities and popular psychiatrists.

As far as Maddie knows, I’ve just had another fainting spell. The first time I fell in front of her, she called me a klutz. But then I got really somber and told her that, I had never told her before, but I suffer from Acute Early-Onset Clinical Ennui and that one of the symptoms was fainting in times of anxiety, and she believed me.

She doesn’t know shit about mental illness, but she reads Us Weekly enough to know words like ‘clinical’ and ‘anxiety’, and she understands them, if only in a very LA kind of way. I should just correct her, but I get a little thrill from the irony of her suggestion that I seek out convulsive therapy for my falling issue, so I let her keep suggesting it. I stifle a laugh.

“You have to admit,” I say, “The episodes are getting less and less frequent. I’m doing better!”

After the latest update, the vibrations are milder and even moderately refreshing. They still catch me off guard sometimes though and then, bam, I’m back on the floor.

“Olivia! You’re on the fucking floor! For Christ’s sake--”

To pre-empt a lecture on how I should 1) get up and 2) stop furrowing my brow she’s just trying to help I say, “Damnit, Madison, don’t start. I’m fine, okay? Just let me live.”

“I would hardly consider this living.” She pauses, pouting. “You could at least clean your bathroom regularly if you’re going to be spending extended periods of time on the floor in there. You’ve been down there for five whole minutes.”

“Nah,” I say, haltingly returning to my feet.

“Well at least take a shower. You haven’t showered in four days. Didn’t Ava say she’d be here at 7?”

“What does it matter? She’s gonna take one look at the hump on my back and leave.”

“It’s not as big as you think it is.”

“Oh really?”

“Listen, ‘Modo,” she croons, “You’re a total catch! Don’t worry about it.”

She thinks that calling me Quasimodo is funny. It’s not an actual hump but it might as well be.

I groan and pretend to shoot myself in the head and stumble into the shower.

Then, as much as I wish I didn’t, I worry about it. I worry about the superfine lines that criss-cross my body. Everyone who got an iBrow before it was debugged in June has the same all-over lightning flowers. Mine are fainter than some others’, only visible in direct lighting, but still noticeable.

The company was apparently made aware in February last year that the the radio waves emanating from the iBrow piercing caused scattered collagen inelasticity, but they didn’t go public with it until November. In the interim, the technicians made a cut on every sample of hydrating serum they could send you home with, plus they made commission on referrals to area plastic surgeons.

A class action lawsuit made it so that anyone who underwent the procedure before the system-wide upgrade is eligible for free monthly Restylane injections to counteract any premature wrinkle development caused by the technology. Getting people hooked on collagen fillers doesn’t exactly seem like justice though.

I’ve seen some of the women in my office when they’ve had to skip their standing appointments with their dermatologists, their skin sagging sadly, their faces looking like tufted couches. It’s tragic, really-- I committed too early. The current technology was so obviously on the horizon.

Another buzz. Ava says she can’t wait to meet me in person finally.

“Olivia! Don’t forget to moisturize!”

I do like she says. After I’ve toweled off and put on my bra and underwear and struggled into a dress with a too-long zipper, I spread melting coconut oil onto my ankles, knees, and elbows and then dab on a light facial sunscreen.

Once it’s had time to sink in, Maddie sits me down, her hands firm on my shoulders.

I must look nervous because she says, “Stop freaking out-- you’re gonna be fine. You like this girl, remember?”

But as much as you think you can know someone, you can never know them until you meet them in person.

Maddie expertly pulls my hair out of my face and positions it over my shoulders. She sweeps light and shadows across my face, adding to me a dimension and depth that I generally lack. She stands behind me smiling as I look at myself in the mirror. Somehow, the lightning blooming across the bridge of my nose looks charming.

Getting here, to tonight, took work. I’ve always felt uneasy about online dating, but having the profiles pop up spontaneously has taken all the pleasure out of it. Each woman seems more conventionally beautiful than the one before her. It also doesn’t help that their profile pictures appear at a 1:1 scale in front of me, which adds a disquieting sense of deja vu to every first meeting. Being single is impossible now.

The InYourFace InterfaceTM is seamless, but now it’s much more difficult to pretend I’m not just ignoring people when I don’t respond right away. It’s overwhelming to be so available all the time. Since January, I’ve steadfastly turned the iBrow off from 9:00 PM to 9:00 AM to preserve my own sanity and a healthy sleeping pattern.

Tens of women have been off-put by my mixed messages: I show only intermittent enthusiasm, according to my stats. But I’ve really, really been trying with Ava. We average 1 message exchange per 20 minutes which makes her my “Soul Mate” according to the app, up from “Sweetheart” last week. It’s the only time I’ve considered someone promising in the last four years, so I’m working my ass off.

I turn to thank Maddie but I don’t have a chance to say anything because as soon as I open my mouth, the doorbell rings. I lope over to the door as slowly as possible, trying to be cool. But I’m too excited and I can’t help but to fling the door open. When it opens, Ava is standing amid the green glare of my porch light.

In this sickening glow, she looks devastating. Her eyes are shimmering and she has these lovely, fluttering eyelashes. Light pools in the waves of her hair, making her tresses more than a little bit mesmerizing. I’m standing there thinking how thrilled I am to see her, this woman who looks so ethereal. Even though we’ve only been talking for two weeks, it feels so full and perfect.

“Hi, Olivia?”

“Ava!”

She takes the two steps between us and hugs me, taking me a bit by surprise. She laughs.

She tells me how great it is to meet me and asks if I want to check out this dive bar over on 4th that serves the most excellent fried artichoke hearts, and also, do I like fried artichoke hearts? Because she loves them.

I can barely move my mouth to respond because I am overcome by the sight of her standing here in front of me, but I manage to eke out, “Yeah! Let’s go!”

I turn around to Maddie behind me who has a grin and two thumbs up. I suppress a laugh and close the door behind me. After locking it, I turn back around and follow Ava down the stairs and onto the sidewalk.

We walk the six blocks to the bar and the conversation is light and funny. We bump forearms and exchange sideways glances, and I feel like I’m standing on the edge of something.

Over nervous beers, we talk about our weeks. I tell her that I’m dying because work is killing me. Some people have two iBrows, one work and one personal, but not me. My face has been numb all week. I tell her about my business-and-pleasure iBrow piercing, and how much I hate it, that I’m scheduling the removal for this week; I just can’t stand being this plugged in, you know? She nods along.

Sizzling golden artichoke hearts appear in front of us before she can respond. I pop one into my mouth, rhapsodic, and she coughs.

“So let me get this straight,” she says, “You hate talking to people.”

“I don’t hate talking... I just don’t like talking all the time… Is that weird?”

I push up my glasses and absently finger the lightning strike on my nose, feeling my face heat up.

“Well,” she clears her throat and shifts in her seat. “It just makes me feel like this whole thing would be kind of an imposition on you.”

“How do you mean?”

“Here’s my perspective, right?”

“Okay…” I lean in.

“I meet this girl. And I’m talking to this girl for two weeks and she seems really cool. I get to her place and I’m so excited to see her in person. We’re on a date and as she’s sitting across from me, all big eyes and dazzling wit, and she tells me that this thing that I’ve really been enjoying and wanting to expand on has been a huge chore.”

“It’s not that way at all! It’s--”

“Oh come on, you just said as much. I mean, you hardly text back-- it’s like, what are you even doing? You always have your phone on you.”

I rear back, shocked.

“For the last two weeks I’ve talked to you more than I’ve talked to anyone else, I have done nothing but swoon since you showed up on my stoop. I’m really tryin’ hard here!”

“It shouldn’t feel like work-- it should just be easy.”

She futzes with her purse like she’s getting ready to walk out of this bar.

“Wait, are you leaving? You’re writing me off after two weeks and one hour?”

“Look, Olivia, you’re entitled to talk to people on your own schedule, but I want to be with someone that wants a partner. It doesn’t sound to me like that’s something you’re interested in.”

I look at her for two long seconds, mouth open.

Slowly, I say, “I don’t know why you’re assuming that… but what you’re talking about… I guess I’m just not wired for that.”

“First of all,” she says hotly, “You are literally wired for it.”

[todokori-kun]

Well, at least it hasn’t been confirmed yet, only heavily implied (honestly Mutsurie has been implied since the Auction arc)…sad thing is that back when Mutsuki was likable I used to kind of ship it. But now…

Ishida, bring Saiko back.

Urie deserves to love someone who truly cares for him and could actually give him a happy, stable life/relationship (because Saiko is totally filling the ‘Sasaki’ role for the Q squad now that Ken’s gone).

Not this murderous angsty yandere who’s very much obsessed with somebody else.

Also, I’m getting a bit tired of Kaneki making everybody’s relationships difficult. First it was Kanae loves Tsukiyama but Tsukiyama loves Kaneki but Kaneki loves Touka, and then Kanae DIED, and now Ishida’s going to replace that with Urie loves Mutsuki but Mutsuki loves Kaneki but Kaneki loves Touka? No.

The only thing worse than that would be Saiko loves Urie but Urie loves Mutsuki but Mutsuki loves Kaneki and so on and so forth… I seriously hope Ishida won’t do that. Not only would it be terrible for my feels, it would also be kind of ridiculous.

Though that freaking centipede was hands down the worst part of this chapter tbh

I’m really, really happy Yoriko’s alive, but this isn’t 100% fluff either because there are three questions I have now:

Since Yoriko appears to have both of her hands, whose hand did Mutsuki show Touka? (I just remembered that Torso cut off Mutsuki’s hands and put a wedding/engagement ring on one of them…ew. This is getting creepy)

Who was it that called Yoriko while she was out shopping?

Do the other two questions have anything to do with how somber Yoriko looks at the wedding, or is that just because of nerves (she does smile later on when throwing her bouquet, but…)?

(And yeah, Urie has known Mutsuki is biologically female since the auction arc: I got confused about this too because of weird translations, but apparently he smelled their blood and realized it was from menstruation and not an injury. For them, Mutuski being AFAB is an ‘I know you know I know’ kind of situation)

(Aww that’s so sweet! Tysm <3 Wish I had a Shuu irl…I got diagnosed with SA earlier this week so things are difficult over here ;-;

Once we got close, though, Shuu’s dramatic behavior might start to trigger my sarcastic/teasing side…like,

“Ah, so you’re using watercolors? How lovely! What are you painting? Is it me? Well, of course it’s me, your one true-”

“Actually, it’s Yomo. I’m kinda into the strong, silent types.”

“…What are you implying, love…?”)

Luna/Urie (Lurie? Uruna?) HCs:

-Urie’s attitude around you is a bit like this:

Urie around other people: (Total scum. I can feel myself getting stupider whenever I talk to you) Of course, sir. You are truly setting a great example.

Urie around you: (I was going to work more but then I remembered I haven’t spent much time with you this week…ugh, this is like those cheesy games Yonebayashi likes to play) Be quiet, I’m trying to exercise. I suggest you do the same (oh ***** wrong answer)- just to clarify, it’s not because of your looks, it’s because you have to get stronger.

-He’s super organized and has a great memory so you can just text him when you’ve lost/can’t remember something (‘Urie, where’s my notebook?’ 'second drawer in ur desk’).

-Though he’s more comfortable with texting, he occasionally leaves short sticky notes for you when he’s busy. Usually it’s serious but maybe not quite flattering stuff like 'there are bags under your eyes. The average human of your age requires at least 7.5 hours of sleep per night' but there’s also the rare, awkwardly sweet note- 'I’ll try to be back soon’,'stay safe’,'Your hair looks nice’ (when you cut it when he was at work and he came home when you were already asleep)

-Cookie’s actually nervous about making this relationship work and the sticky notes were inspired by advice from the internet.

-when it comes to school and studying, he’s extremely impressed with how many things you’re managing to do at once.Though he usually doesn’t express this openly he definitely lets you know when he’s proud of you.

-He helps you with Japanese when you need it.

-in social situations like parties, you usually stick together and don’t talk much to anybody else unless you’re with the other Q squad members (I think I remember you mentioning you’re an introvert?). Though it might not look like it, there’s a lot of banter in these situations and you almost always have fun together.

-Urie secretly likes your 'weird, slightly pervy’ jokes

-He probably has a secret sketchbook with dozens of pictures of you in it. His face when you somehow find it is priceless.

-At some point you turn him into Hamiltrash. When you try to tease him by asking him to rap Guns and Ships, he disappoints you by rapping the whole song perfectly. He also relates to 'The Room Where it Happens’ on a personal level.

-He doesn’t understand your manga/anime obsession. Especially when it comes to Love Live- one day you get him to watch the anime with you and he remains poker-faced the whole time (honestly he looks more interested in playing with your hair than watching the show). In the end, you agree to disagree.

Until a week later, when you discover Urie’s been secretly listening to 'Storm in Lover’.

(I’ll stop rambling now…I admit that a lot of these were slightly crack-y, though I did try my best to throw in some fluff and serious HCs as well ^^;; I hope you like it! :D)

Again, thank you so much for being so nice and supportive <333 (I say that a lot, don’t I XD) I actually tried out the watercolors yesterday, and though I messed up my picture by adding too much water (I’ve never actually learned to use watercolors and I started painting with them this month), the paper is actually pretty good! I was right when I guessed it wasn’t really watercolor paper, but it wrinkles much less than my other sketchbooks :D

but wait, 'Huge airhead with the memory of a goldfish’? Are you sure you aren’t talking about me? I don’t really have a bad memory, but I only seem to remember the things I WANT to remember LOL for example, I remember almost everything about my various fandoms, but sometimes I find that I have no idea where I put my glasses when I took them off barely a minute ago (plot twist: they were on the shelf in front of me the whole time and I couldn’t see them because of my terrible eyesight. Yes, this has happened before. Several times, in fact).

Burr would later be unable to look Lee in the eye lol. Seriously though, I ship this a lot. Burr is way too shippable ;-; Remember when I said I ship him with Eliza? The fic 'True and Earnest’ on ao3 is what really made me ship them but still (I totally recommend that fic you get the chance to read it because it’s just perfect. So sweet and beautiful <3 plus, there’s some implied Angelica/Alex at the end so everybody gets to be happy! :D)

btw, just found some fanart of Burr titled 'Aaron Burr has strong opinions’

Burr in the picture: 'Personally, I love things…

…AND stuff.’

And they call Jefferson a francophile. At least we know he knows where France is.

Last note of this ridiculously disorganized message:

I just wanted to ask, are you into the MCU fandom? Because I’m very deep into it…I haven’t watched the Iron Man trilogy or the Guardians of the Galaxy movies yet (though I have the latter on my computer and am planning to watch it soon) but I’ve watched almost all of the Captain America movies and all of the Thor and Avengers movies.

Honestly I have 0 problems shipping Cookie with anyone as long as they’re mentally stable. Hell, I’ll even ship him with Shuu as long as it means Urie would be happy. The amount of suffering in TG is starting to be too much. There is a fine line between ‘a little angst to keep the plot moving’ and ‘bucketful of angst because everyone shall suffer for no particular reason’. 

I read the new chapter myself (I always seem to do after you update me on the happenings hahah) and I am screaming. It’s like Ishida put a huge ‘No happiness allowed’ sign on his desk and looks at it every time he’s thinking of how to advance the plot. Sigh.

Honestly, it’s so heavily implied, I consider it canon. ‘I wasn’t going to come, but then I heard you’d be here’? Come on, Urie would never say that unless he really liked someone. 

Oh, what if Sasaki/Kaneki is Urie’s true love! I mean Saiko=Sasaki and he wanted to see Mutsuki since they might know about Kaneki’s whereabouts… Don’t mind me, I’m just trying to think of something, anything that doesn’t involve Mutsuki/Urie because that has become my ultimate NOTP.  But Saiko/Urie is very attractive…

Everyone loves Kaneki. Ishida lied to us, this is actually some sort of twisted harem/reverse harem manga that’s only full of suffering for the lols. When the end of the manga comes, it’ll turn out this is a stage play/movie/dream and that everyone is Kaneki’s classmates who have a crush on him, but he loves Touka, whilst she doesn’t give two shits about him. Yeah, that’d be a nice end.  Waaait a minute. That implies Urie will die ;-; Nooooooo, come one, the cookie deserves happiness, his life is a big enough shitstain already. 

The love relationships form a centipede. It’s like this a→b→c→d→e→f→g→h→i→j→k→l→m→n→o→Kaneki. 

I was studying biology this morning, and passed the Chilopoda unit. GUESS WHICH BUG WAS THERE. I WAS THIS CLOSE TO SCREAMING OUT LOUD BECAUSE FUCK CENTIPEDES.

Oh, those are good questions! Here are my thoughts:

a) Maybe it was Mutsuki’s hand? But the hand looked…. fresh, in lack of better expression. Who knows, maybe Mutsuki just chopped off a random person’s hand to use as bait. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me. 

b) I checked the panel, and Yoriko didn’t look alarmed or confused when she turned around, so maybe it was a random person she knew? Or someone from the CCG she met before? (what would they be doing in a wedding dress  shop, tho?)

c) I’ll choose to believe it was simply wedding nerves, because if it wasn’t the nervous, it was something else more sinister and there’s already enough suffering.

Oh, right! Now that you mention it, I remember! Thanks for reminding me ^^

That can’t be easy for you… If you ever want to talk, I’m here ^^ And I’m very sure Shuu would be persistent in getting to know you, yet he’d be careful not to trigger anything. Once he’d realise you have that teasing side, I’m sure he’d be a lot happier, because ‘HOLY SHIT EVANS OPENED UP TO ME HELL YEAAAAAAAAAAH’. He’d get a bit pouty if you’d tease him, tho. Of course, that’d make it even funnier. 

MY HEART! A critical hit. You really know how to pull those off.

Here’s an accurate representation of me while reading them:

Urie perfectly rapping Guns and Ships is now my favourite thing, especially considering he’d do it with a perfectly straight face. Like ‘oh this? this is nothing’ while everyone stares at him like -_-

I’m pretty sure that Storm in Lover came from my ‘the names can be weird af’, but you chose the one which is sung by the girl that I’m sure would be his absolute favourite.  whoops, my idol trash side is showing again.

Thank you so much for this ;-; It’ll serve as motivation for me to survive next week which is the last one this school year with exams (and they’re the hardest ones, whooo). THEN I’M DONE AND CAN WATCH TONS OF ANIME AND REDA MANGA AND WRITE AND SLEEP AND RELAX IN GENERAL BECAUSE NO MORE SCHOOL FUCKING FINALLY.

We all make mistakes when trying something for the first time, so it’s completely normal that you added too much water ^^ Now you know how much you should(n’t) add the next time you draw :p  Ah, that’s great to hear! Now you have somewhere to draw where it won’t be as bad as if you painted on normal paper.

We used to paint a lot with watercolours and temperas in elementary school, and my drawing always ended up being disfigured blobs of colour. So I’m sure yours are perfect ^^

The useless things I usually end up remembering are usually animal facts (and, for some ??? reason, heights and blood types of characters. don’t question it). Here are my proudest goldfish moments: Search for glasses for 15-20 minutes only to realise they were on top of my head all the time. Thinking I lost my ID only for it to be buried deep inside my bad. Finding a fork in my bed (I’m not joking, I somehow managed to leave a fork there for some twisted reason). And my favourite: Being late and looking for my shoe for around 5 mins to realise I already put it on. Yeah, I’m not very smart. 

Yes, Burr is very shippable. Musical Burr, at least. I ship him with Angelica, Eliza, Ham (to some degree) and Lee. Man, that’s a lot of Burr ships. 

Ask him a question: it glances off, he obfuscates, he dances

Honestly, no so much ^^;; I mean, I’ve watched the Iron Man (and went through the obligatory Robert Downey Jr. fangirl phase, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Guardians of the Galaxy, Captain America (1st part) and Ant Man, but that’s it ^^;; However, I was planning on having a marathon during the summer, because I like superhero movies (that probably explains my obsession with BnHA which is a superhero manga.)