#also the apology came off soooo fake just putting out the fires

[upwards-descent]

Absolutely wild seeing people immediately forgive the Watcher crew

[forever-more-never-again]

Scales and Scars (Part Five)

Aizawa-Yamada [Y/n] - Given quirks through experimentation, thus their quirks are ‘Artificial’ and not considered ‘true’ quirks

First Quirk: Shadow Manipulation

Uses: Shadow manipulation allows the user to travel almost like teleportation from shadow to shadow by ‘sensing’ the shadows around the user. User is able to control the shadows and form objects. User can change the density of shadows. user also has excellent night vision.

Drawbacks: User experiences flashes of coldness from the presence of shadows, and if holds onto a shadow for too long will begin to develop frost bite.

a/n: The Quirk Apprehension Arc! And introductions to some more love interests!

Word Count: 3119

Pairings: Eraserhead(AIzawa) X PresentMic(Hizashi), Reader X Class1A (Will have multiple endings for pairings)

Warnings: violence against robots

Prologue / Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four

Masterlist

The next week flew by. Between hanging out with Shinso and Tokoyami, Adding Iida to your chat and group hangouts, and dealing with your Pa trying to spoil the results of the entrance exam, it was fun but exhausting. 

“[Y/n], the results are here.” Your dad’s dry voice interrupted you from where you were playing with Inu by moving shadows around.

Leaping up from the floor, you ran over, grabbed the envelope out of his hands and ran to your room shouting back, “Thanks!”

Sitting at your desk, your hands trembled as you held up the envelope that had the UA seal on it. This was it. This was your future. Your chance to become a hero and protect kids from experiencing the same horror and fear that you had.

Taking a deep breathe, you ripped open the seal. A metal disk fell out.

“I guess. So unnecessary.” You muttered under your breath.

“HELLO! I AM HERE!”

“AH!” You screamed and fell off your chair as All Might was suddenly screaming at you.

A hologram. UA had sent a hologram. Of course they did.

Slowly climbing back into your chair, you listened as All Might spoke about your points and how heroic you were working with Shinso and helping other contestants.

“Congratulations Yamada [Y/n]! You ranked Third in the Entrance Exams! Welcome to Class 1-A! This is your Hero Academia!”

When the hologram blinked away, you were left staring at your wall in shock. You placed third!? You were in!? You were in! You had to tell your friends and see how they did!

Future Heros!

15:23 - YaMad?: Guys! The results came! 

15:26 - ForeverTired: Just opened mine…

15:27 - Birb: I got in. Class 1-A

15:28 - Engines: I seem to have ranked 7th. Congrats [Y/n]-Chan.

15:30 - Birb: Yes. Congratulations to getting third.

15:31 - ForverTired: …

15:32 - YaMad?: Oh no ...Toshi? Did you not get in? That’s so not fair! You worked just as hard as me and had more points! Did they not think your quirk was right for the hero's course!? I will march in myself and yell at that rat principle if I have to!

15:35 - Engines: [Y/n]-Chan, maybe let Shinso-Kun answer…

15:37 - ForeverTired: I did it...I got in...Class 1-A Heroics….

15:38 - YaMad?: Oh my god! Toshi! I’m so happy for you! Wait! We’re all in the same class!?

15:40 - Birb: It would seem so. I look forward to seeing all of you in class.

15:42 -YaMad?: This is going to be so much Fun!

You were grinning like an idiot when you finally left your room. Walking into the kitchen, you saw Shota leaning against the counter while Hizashi practically vibrated with excitement next to him. 

“So…” You sent a sly smirk to your dad, “I’m in your class this year.”

Shota groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose, “Yes. And I expect you to act mature and follow my instructions.”

Hizashi couldn't take it anymore and ran up to you and gripped you in a tight hug, “I remember when you were just a baby! And now you’re going to highschool!”

You laughed and patted your Pa on his back, “You’ve known me since I was like Six Pa. Not a baby.”

Your dad just sighed again, “You know that doesn’t matter, Problem Child. ‘Zashi loves being overdramatic.”

At that your Pa let go of you and turned and pointed an accusing finger at Shota, “Oh, don’t think you’re above me! Just last night you were getting all Soft remembering when [Y/n] finally let you hold her after we adopted her!”

Your eyes widened as you looked at your stoic, hobo looking father. He didn’t have his scarf to hide the light blush on his cheeks, so he just turned away.

A soft meow was heard. And you bent over to pick up Inu. An idea hit you, and you peered over at your Pa, “Soooo...can we get another Cat as a gift for me getting into UA?”

Your pa frowned at you, but you giggled as you watched your dad perk up and widen his eyes with interest.

And that was how, a few days later, you were saying goodbye to Inu and your new white cat, Hund, as you left for the first day of school.

With a bounce in your step, you skipped to the Bus station. You were on your own as you went to school because both of your parents had to go in early to prepare for the first day and you were not about to wake up earlier than you had to.

Walking towards the classroom, you were thankful that the school had allowed you some modifications with the standard girls uniform. You had leggings and a long sleeve shirt on. Both to cover your scars. You didn’t want anyone to see them yet. 

Taking a deep breathe, you stood before the large door and remind yourself why you were here. To become a hero. To save kids like yourself. 

And then you pushed open the door and walked in.

Only to run right into someone's back.

“Oi! Watch where you’re going Extra!”

You stumbled back a step, disoriented by the yelling. Looking at the person you bumped into, the first thing you noticed were his intense cherry red eyes. They were filled with a fire that you had never seen before.

Then your eyes caught sight of his hair. Blonde and spiky. You wanted so badly to pet his head and see if the spikes were actually pointy or soft.

A hand waved in front of your face and a scowl was on the blondes face as he yelled at you again, “Hey! You deaf or something!? What you staring at Dumb Girl!?”

Shaking your head, you leveled the kid with your blankest stare and stated, “I’m sorry.” You internally laughed as you watched the scowl turns into a smirk. The kid thought you were apologizing. “You seem to be under the impression that I, oh what’s the phrase?” You tapped your chin as if in thought, watching the smirk turns into a confused scowl, “Oh that’s right! You seem to be under the impression that I give a damn about what you.”

That seemed to set the kid off as sparks flew from his palms. His quirk, you noticed.

“You damn Extra! I’ll kill you!”

You waved him off as you walked past him into the classroom, eyes lighting up as they settled on two people sitting in the back corner.

Rushing towards them, you grinned, “Toshi! Yami!”

The Dark feathered Avain Teen and the sleepy purple head stopped their quiet conversation with each other and turned to give you small smiles.

“[Y/n]. You’re actually here early.” Shinso teased. His sleepy smile betrayed by his bright eyes.

You fake growled and punched his shoulder, “Jerk! I can be on time.”

While Shinso whined and rubbed his shoulder, Tokoyami groaned himself, because Dark Shadow came out and wrapped himself around your shoulders.

“Dark Shadow! Unhand her! We’ve talked about personal space.”

You laughed, scratching Dark Shadow under the chin, listening to the Quirk Purr. “It’s alright Yami. I really don’t mind. And Dark Shadow Just wants a little Love.”

Dark Shadow cackled and his yellows eyes glinted with mischief as he pouted, “Yeah Fumi! [Y/n] doesn’t mind and she gives the best hugs!”

All three of you laughed as Tokoyami’s feathers ruffled in his embarrassment.

“If you’re just here to make friends, then you can leave.”

The dry voice broke through the cacophony of noise that was from your future classmates.

Turning, you stifled a giggle as you watched your Dad rise up, wrapped in his yellow sleeping bag, looking like some kind of demented catipillar.

You slid into the seat in front of Toshi, Dark Shadow disappearing back inside his retainers chest.

“It took you eight seconds to quiet down. I expect it to be shorter than that time tomorrow. For now, put these on and meet outside in five.”

He threw gym clothes out from wherever he had stashed them. And you watched as the students scrambled and ran to the changing rooms.

You were one of the last to leave, and as you walked by your dad, he grabbed your shoulder, pausing you for a moment.

His eyes were unreadable as he stared at you, “I expect you to use your full potential in my class, [Y/n].” Then his eyes softened and he smiled, “Also, I forgot to go over this with you the other day, But your Pa and I will be calling you Yamada and you must call us by our names as well. Okay?”

You nodded, understanding. Of course you didn’t expect to have your relationship between two pro Heros and teachers announced to the student body. Nobody needed to know that you were the adopted kid of Eraserhead and Present Mic, Especially since their marriage wasn’t even a known fact.

In the changing room, you were introduced to the rest of the girls. You were immediately drawn to Toru, who was completely invisible, Tsuyu, “Call me Asui.” Who was super blunt, and Mina, who pounced on you exclaiming that you were “Super Cute!” And already calling you bestie.

“Aren’t we supposed to be heading to Orientation?” Uraraka Asked as you all walked out to the training grounds.

You hid your smile, because you knew you wouldn’t be going to Orientation today.

Yaomomo spoke up, her voice calm and steady, “I’m sure our teacher will explain when we arrive.”

Mina yelled out, jumping up and down, “Did anyone recognize our teacher!? I thought all UA teachers were Pro- heroes?”

The only sign that Toru was standing next to you was the floating uniform as you heard her voice, “Maybe he’s underground or not well-known?”

Asui nodded, “Kero. You could be right Toru-Chan.”

Blinking the sun out of your eyes, you saw the guys standing in a group next to Aizawa.

When all the girls were close enough, Aizawa spoke up, “Today, we’re doing a Quirk Apprehension test. Whoever comes in last will have no potential, and will be expelled.”

As you listen to the ensuring confusion and questions, your eyes were drawn to a bushy head of green hair. The poor kid looked like he was a second away from a nervous breakdown. Your eyes narrowed as you noticed the kid flinching whenever the loud mouthed blonde glared at him.

“Bakugou, how far could you throw the ball in Middle School?”

Brought back to the present, you watched as the blonde kid, Bakagou, apparently, Walk up to the circle and proceed to scream, “Die!” Before blasting the ball away.

Aizawa held up a recording device and showed the score on the screen, “705.2 Meters.”

You whistled appreciatively. That was an impressive throw with his quirk.

First up was the 50 Meter dash. You stood next to Shinso as you watched teams of two race against each other.

You winced at the green haired kid as he went against Bakugou. He wasn’t using any Quirk, so you figured it wasn’t useful in situations like Shinso’s.

You were paired against some kid with strange elbows.

When the bell rang, you immediately traveled to the shadow of the recorder and stepped over the line calmly.

“2.01 Seconds.”

“5.52 Seconds.”

Tape arms walked over to you afterwards and introduced himself, “Hey there. I’m Sero. That was pretty impressive. What’s your Quirk?”

You smiled up at the boy. He was cute in a boyish, innocent way. “I’m Yamada. And you’ll just have to continue watching and figure it out.” You winked at him and moved onto the next event.

Next was the grip strength. 

Shinso groaned and looked at you wryly, “They just love giving the flashy quirks the upper hand, don’t they?”

You laughed as you used your shadows to grip the tool hard enough that it broke.

“Oops.”

After that was the standing long jump.

And then repeated side steps. 

Both of which you easily used your shadows to complete.

The pushups and situps you relied purely on your own stamina and strength. Cheering on Shinso and Tokoyami.

And then everyone was standing before the ball throw again.

Ururaka had the highest score so far, with infinity. Which you congratulated her on.

Shinso turned to you, worried, “I’m going to place last because I couldn’t use my quirk during any of these tests.”

Peering at you dad, you whispered back to him, “He said we could use our quirks however we wanted to pass the tests.” Turning to look at Shinso, you smiled, “So use your quirk when you get up there.”

It took him a moment to understand what you were saying. And when it did register, he frowned at you, “If I do that. Nobody will trust me. It’s the first day. I’ll be labeled a villain before I get the chance to become a hero.”

Punching Shinso, you glared at him and spoke lowly through gritted teeth, trying to keep your voice down, “Toshi. You listen to me. You are not a villain. You have an amazing quirk. And if anyone says otherwise, I will fight them.”

Shinso couldn’t stop his heart from beating faster at the fierceness that [Y/n] was exuding. 

“Shinso Hitoshi. You’re next.”

Aizawa dryly called your friend's name. Giving him a friendly push, you reminded him quietly, “It’s your power Shinso.”

When Shinso got to the circle, he turned around and looked back at the group of students who were watching on confused.

Tired eyes grazed over the students before landing on Uraraka. 

“Hey Infinity Girl, Your name is Uraraka right?”

Uraraka looked startled for a moment before she started to respond, “Yes, wh-”

Shinso smirked as Uraraka’s eyes glazed over, “Come into the circle and use your quirk on the ball for me.”

Uraraka robotically walked to Shinso and used her quirk.

Shinso touched her when the ball was well into the stratosphere, letting her go from his quirk.

“Infinity.”

Uraraka looked confused and looked at Shinso as she walked back to the group.

Meanwhile everyone was shouting or whispering about the events that had just transpired.

“How was that Fair!?”

“He didn’t throw the ball!”

“Does that count!?”

“What’s his Quirk!?”

Your dad raised his hand and tiredly explained, “I told you all to use your quirks at the start of the tests. Shinso used his quirk and I will allow it.”

You couldn’t contain your grin as Shinso walked back to you. When he was beside you, you quickly wrapped your arms around him for a brief hug.

“I knew you could do it Toshi!”

Surprise flashed in his lavender eyes before he smiled back at you.

“Yamada [Y/n].”

You skipped forward, your happiness for Shinso carrying you to the circle.

Gripping the ball in your hands, you tried to think about how you could use your shadows to get a high score.

“Any Day now Yamada.” Your dad’s dry voice rang out in the silence.

Breathing deeply through your nose, you closed your eyes and called all the surrounding shadows to you.

“Wow!”

“What’s happening?”

“That’s so cool!”

The voices behind you were loud, but you managed to block most of them out as you focused on wrapping the shadows around the ball and your hand.

Snapping your eyes open, you leaned back, and pitched forward hard.

The shadows blasted from your hand like an explosion as they raced back to their original places. The force behind the release of your quirk and the shadows propelled the ball forward.

“645.3 Meters.”

Your smile was blinding as you spun around.

And then it disappeared as you watched the green haired kid, whose name you learned was Midoriya, Figure out who your father was, face your father’s wrath, break his finger, and get almost tackled by Bakugou.

A few minutes later, you father pulled up the results of the Quirk Apprehension test.

Anxiously, you scanned the rankings. Fifth! You placed fifth! And then you scanned more and saw that Iida ranked Fourth, Tokoyami sixth, and Shinso thirteenth.

And Midoriya placed last.

When Aizawa revealed that the explosion threat was a logical ruse, you rolled your eyes. Your father was notorious for expelling students. He would’ve followed through on his threat at the start if he truly didn’t see any potential in Midoriya.

The fact that he did, made you curious about the boy who broke his finger using his quirk.

“Of course it was a logical ruse. Did you not know that?” Yaomomo’s voice was filled with confidence. And you didn’t want to destroy that, so you didn’t say anything.

As everyone was leaving, you waved Shinso ahead and stepped up beside Midoriya.

“I understand getting hurt from your quirk.”

The poor teen looked like you were speaking in gibberish as he turned wide green eyes to you and flushed red.

“Uh. H-hi! I’m Izu-Midoriya! Midoriya Izuku!”

You smiled at him. He was kinda adorable. “Yamada [Y/n]. But please call me [Y/n]. Anyways. I saw that your quirk broke your finger. Are you okay?”

Midoriya flushed a deeper red as he mumbled a bit before stuttering out a response, “I’m fi-fine. It’s-It’s nothing! Really!” Then his brain seemed to backtrack and he peered at you in concern as his blush seemed to fade away, “You mentioned yo-your quirk hurt-hurting you?”

You hummed in agreement, clasping your hands behind your back as you reached the locker rooms. Standing outside, not going in yet, you explained.

“My quirk Shadow Manipulation...causes my bones to be really cold, constantly, because of the shadows. And if I use shadows for too long I can develop Frostbite.”

Midoriya looked entranced as you talked about the drawbacks to your quirk. 

“So you're constantly in pain?”

You chuckled, rubbing the back of your neck with your hand, “In a way. But I’ve gotten used to it. The cold doesn’t bother me that much anymore except in certain instances.”

And you were not about to explain the times that your quirk hurt you to this boy. He didn’t need to know about your PTSD and Dissociative disorder. No matter how adorable his freckles and sparkling green eyes were. 

You glanced towards the locker room, “Anyways. It was nice meeting you Midoriya. I’ll see you tomorrow in class!” You waved at him and slipped into the locker room to change.

The first day at UA was interesting. But you had a feeling in your gut that this was just the beginning. 

FOREVER Taglist:

@sxph-t​ @mialeelavellan​ @rainydaysrnevergrey​  @platonic-plots​ @sociallyawkwardcircus-freak-hi​ @queenbbarnes​ @mythixmagic​ @chas-z​ @thefridgeismybestie​ @strangersstranger​ @princess-evans-addict​ @rororo06​ @timelordhunterandmysterysolver​

Scales and Scars (BNHA) Taglist:

@trash1ty​ @darkfaethedestroyer​ @foxinaforestofstars​ @axolotl-of-evil​ @inumorph​

[asiryn]

alright.........i finished kh3. so here’s some Thoughts. still gonna put behind a cut, and obvs there will be spoilers there.

so, to try to maintain some coherency, i’m gonna split this up into Good and Bad sections. we’ll start with the Bad, so i can let the salt out, and this post can end on a positive note. XD

The Bad:

some of these are more minor things, and some are.....much bigger, and are actually weakening the strength of the game and the conclusion, imo. so i’m gonna work my way up, from least to most Bothersome.

- the fact that eraqus apologized to ven and aqua, but not terra..........like wooooow, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you know, i was actually considering forgiving you a little bit for a second, but lolololol noooooope!!!!!!!!!!! not anymore!!!!!!!!!!! you fucked up terra even worse than the other two (which yes, damn right you should apologize to them, particularly ven), and really, you are the root cause of him falling into xehanort’s clutches in the first damn place, and you don’t apologize to him?????????? FUCK YOU ERAQUS, YOU PIECE OF UTTER SHIT---

- the resolution with xehanort........like......it’s not bad, per se.........but like.........it’s the tiniest bit of a stretch to me. like..........oh okay, dude, you are totes fine with MURDERING ERAQUS, but now that he asks you to stand down, you do??? when the fuck did you grow a heart and start caring about eraqus??? YOU FUCKING MURDERED HIM THE LAST TIME YOU WERE TOGETHER!!!!! LIKE, IF I CAN BRING MYSELF TO IGNORE THAT DETAIL, THEN THE SCENES WITH THEM WERE TOUCHING, BUT LIKE..........YOU. MURDERED. HIM. THE LAST TIME YOU SAW HIM!!!!!!!! BUT NAHHHH, LET’S JUST CONVENIENTLY IGNORE THAT DETAIL, IT’S FIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE ://///

- namine should have had more screen time, damn it :////// also, i can’t help but feel that aqua got shafted, and wasn’t nearly as powerful a fighter as she should have been ://

- i’m.......not really satisfied with what they did with vanitas? which was basically nothing, really. there wasn’t really any kind of resolution at all. :////

- that moment when everyone was consumed by the demon tide, leaving only sora and riku left, and sora falls to his knees, and is crying and screaming about how he’s all alone, his friends are his power, without them he’s nothing...........oh man, i was RAGING. 

SORA. RIKU IS RIGHT THE FUCK THERE, SO NO, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, YOUR BOYFRIEND BEST FRIEND IS STILL HERE, SO WHAT THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT???????? LIKE, I WAS ACTUALLY SEETHING AT THIS, IT FELT SO FORCED AND CONTRIVED, AND HONESTLY OUT OF CHARACTER, BECAUSE SINCE WHEN DOES SORA GIVE UP??? ESPECIALLY WHEN HE STILL HAS RIKU??????????? AND LIKE..........EVERYTHING LEADING UP TO THIS MOMENT FELT FORCED AND CONTRIVED, OH SURE, LET’S HAVE THE MAJORITY OF US JUST.....FUCKING STAND AROUND DOING NOTHING, THAT’S COOL. 

but yeah.......sora saying that he was alone? wow, i was Screaming at him so much for that one, what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck writers. 😡😡😡

- so, onto the big one: absolutely everything to do with kairi

going into this game, she was in the top 3 of the characters i was most worried for, because i was worried that she wouldn’t be given the proper development that she’s deserved and been shafted away from for far too long. and boy was i right to be worried, bc this game, like pretty much every game that came before it, did her dirty. OH WOW LOOK, KAIRI’S A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS AGAIN! OH LOOK, SHE GETS FUCKING KILLED OFF TWICE FOR SORA’S MANPAIN!!!! AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN TRY TO FIGHT BACK AGAINST XEMNAS OR XEHANORT, DESPITE THE FACT THAT THIS WAS THE WHOLE GODDAMN POINT OF GIVING HER A KEYBLADE IN THE FIRST DAMN PLACE, AND WHY SHE GOT PUT INTO A POCKET DIMENSION WITH AXEL WHERE TIME DOESN’T EXIST SO THAT THEY COULD HAVE AS MUCH TIME AS THEY NEEDED TO BE PROPERLY TRAINED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIKE..........FUCKING REALLY??????????????????????????????

also, sora going off alone to save her at the end..........what the actual fuck. again, they keep trying to force sokai as being soooo important, but guess what? it’s forced and awkward and inorganic, and after the game series i’ve played? i do not fucking believe that she is the person that sora loves above all others. even though the writers had their chances, over and over and over again, to develop their relationship, to make it grow and deepen it, they never fucking did, not even in this game!!!!!! and sora has way more believable romantic chemistry with riku and namine than he’s ever had with kairi, especially riku. you know, the relationship that you ACTUALLY took the time to develop over the entire series? the relationship that you CANONICALLY had “dearly beloved”, the main theme of the entire series, become the song of their hearts? let me tell you, there’s a real cognitive dissonance, looking at the title screen art of sora with the paopu fruit from kairi, while listening to the CANONICAL soriku love song.

so this ending, where sora’s willing to leave RIKU of all ppl behind? wow, that sounds fake, but okay. also, why in the hell is riku letting sora go alone??????? why can’t they both go together? (also: eternally salty that we STILL have not ever really gotten a scene of the destiny trio having any kind of genuine friendly interaction. the closest we ever got was in twtnw in kh2, when kairi helped sora to see riku in asod’s body. yeah, you’re really selling the MAIN trio as friends, here. ://////////)

and like.................THIS is the conclusion i’ve waited ten years for??? sora abandoning all the people he loves and all the friends that he’s actually had meaningful interactions with, for the person he barely remembers as existing half the time? fucking really?? 

and again, this wouldn’t be so bad, if they had JUST ACTUALLY TAKEN THE TIME TO DEVELOP SOKAI AND KAIRI AS A CHARACTER!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAD AN ENTIRE SERIES!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAD THIS ENTIRE GAME!!!!!!!!!!!! SORA AND KAIRI COULD HAVE BEEN TALKING ON THE PHONE AT THE VERY GODDAMN LEAST FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU COULD HAVE DONE IT, AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP AND THE ENDING, BUT YOU FUCKING DIDN’T NOMURA, AND I LEGIT DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU KEEP ACTING LIKE THE FOUNDATION IS ALREADY THERE, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST SAY “THEY’RE IN LOVE” AND HAVE IT BE BELIEVABLE, BUT YOU FUCKING DIDN’T BUILD THAT FOUNDATION AT ALL, SO INSTEAD IT JUST FALLS FLAT, AND FEELS UNBELIEVABLY FORCED, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU JUST TOSS ASIDE THE RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU ACTUALLY TOOK THE TIME TO DEVELOP LIKE IT WAS NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- no i lied, the actual worst part of this game: SORA DIDN’T FUCKING THANK NAMINE FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY ACTUALLY HAD AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE PROMISE, AND SORA TOLD HER THAT HE WANTED TO DO IT RIGHT, BUT THEN HE DIDN’T GET THE CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOMURA, YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON, YOU PROMISED US AN EMOTIONAL PAYOFF FROM THE SECOND FUCKING GAME, AND YOU STILL DIDN’T DELIVER!!!!!!!!!!!! AND EVEN IF YOU CONSIDER THE THANKING HER PART OF IT FULFILLED, THE FULL PROMISE WAS THAT THEY WERE GOING TO BE FRIENDS FOR REAL, AND THAT DEFINITELY HASN’T REALLY HAPPENED, AND I. AM. SO. FUCKING. FURIOUS. IF I EVER MEET YOU IN PERSON, I AM GOING TO BREATHE FIRE ON YOU. WHATEVER KINGDOM HEARTS GAME YOU MAKE NEXT, OR WHATEVER NEXT ARC THE SERIES HAS OR WHAT FUCKING EVER, IF SORA DOESN’T EVER GET THE CHANCE TO FULFILL HIS PROMISE TO NAMINE, I’M GOING TO MURDER YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS. 😡😡😡🔪🔪🔪🔪

okay. okay. i’m calming down from my rage. i’m breathing. onto the good! bc there was a lot of it! 

The Good:

also known as, the part where i drowned in my own tears:

- the akurokushi reunion was absolutely everything i’d ever wanted it to be, it was beautiful and everything hurt 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

- the tervenaqua reunion was just as good 😭😭😭

(everyone was crying, and i was crying along with them 😭)

- so what i’m getting from the finale arc, is that namine is, once again, the true mvp of this goddamn team, and literally everyone would be lost without her. when they wound up back in time, facing terranort again, she’s the one who summoned the lingering will there to save them, AND I FUCKING LOVE HER, AND SHE DESERVED SO MUCH MORE SCREEN TIME THAN SHE GOT :/

- also, when the lingering will showed up, i was cheering so hard. lol, terra beating the shit out of his own possessed body, round two XDD

- it was a nice moment, when all the keyblades from the wielders of the past war, ending up helping out 

- everything about repliku ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

- wow, luxord’s last moment hit me right in the feels, and is a perfect example of why i love him so much. fair and honorable to the end, and him saying that he’d like to meet up with sora and basically be friends as just people? pls just keep stabbing me in the heart, thanks

- marly thanking sora??? THANKS SATAN

(fuck, the majority of the true org didn’t even want to be there, and honestly, that just makes everything even sadder :////)

- larxene!!!!!!!!! man, i love her. complaining about losing to sora, but then saying that it’s not the worst that could happen, bc being a container for “that old geezer? pass.” LOVE. and then saying that she was just there for someone else, but told sora that it was her secret to keep on who it is......TELL ME, LARXENE!!!! 

- XION WAS A MEMBER OF THE TRUE ORG????????? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU

- BUT HER PROTECTING AXEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALSO, AXEL’S SASS AT XEMNAS WAS LIFE-AFFIRMING 

- ROXAS SWOOPING IN TO SAVE HIS FRIENDS, BASICALLY EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THIS TRIO, WOW WHY WAS I GIVEN EMOTIONSSSSSSSS

- ALSO, GETTING TO TEAM UP WITH ROXAS AND XION, LOVING THIS SONG 👌👌👌

- THAT SCENE WITH AXEL AND SAIX!!!!!!!!!!! AXEL HOLDING SAIX IN HIS ARMS (WOW, THERE’S A LOT OF GAY GOING AROUND HERE), SAIX SAYING THAT HE WAS JEALOUS OF ROXAS AND XION, PROMISING TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN, AHHHHHHH

- WELL, I FINALLY GOT MY EXPLANATION FOR WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO TERRA’S HEART. SO, XEHANORT DID SUCCEED IN TAKING TERRA’S HEART OUT OF HIS BODY IN THAT FINAL BATTLE WITH AQUA, AND THAT DARK GUARDIAN HE HAD WAS TERRA’S HEARTLESS ALL ALONG, AND HE SAVED AQUA AND VEN AS A HEARTLESS AND CONFRONTED TERRANORT, AND SORA HELPED HIM REGAIN HIS BODY AGAIN, YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS EVERYTHING IS GOOD

- i.....actually really like the conclusion they had for ansem seeker of darkness? he was actually kinda proud of riku, and i just ended up feeling sad for him. 

- i fucking loved that sora called xehanort out, and told him that restarting the world wasn’t his decision to make

- ISA’S BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND HE AND AKUROKUSHI AND HAYNER, PENCE, AND OLETTE ALL GOT TO HAVE ICE CREAM TOGETHER ON THE CLOCK TOWER!!!!!!!! AND THEY ALL GOT PICKED UP TO HANG OUT IN DESTINY ISLANDS!!!!!!!!!!

- NAMINE’S RETURN, YESSSSSSSSSS BBYYYYYYYYYY (also, i do ship namiku a tiny bit, so i like the moment that they had)

- XION AND NAMINE HANGING OUT IN DESTINY ISLANDS TOGETHER!!!!

- ALSO, XION, AXEL, ISA, AND ALL THE NEW CLOTHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- well.......idk what’s up with whatever the secret ending is teasing us for, but at least sora and riku are in proximity to each other, and will be together again, i guess. the gays will prevail

okay, i think that’s it for now. i might make more posts as more thoughts come to me, but i think this is quite long enough already XDD

[survivornavarino]

Episode #5: WE LANA DEL REY TONIGHT FAM -Rebecka

Back from exile so here's the happenings ~Immediately cried to Beckka about Tim leaving and being slaughtered in my arms. ~Messaged Trixie, well she messaged me about what happened our other tribal. ~Messaged all the favs cuz idc if Im at the bottom, im obviously bottom of fans or favs so WHATEVER. ~Talked a lot to Julia cuz we have a lot in common (Witchcraft, being 16 y/o babies, getting lit) ~Told all the favs I have no one in this game which is true. FAVS IF YOU LISTENING TAKE ME IN. PLEASE AND THANKS. ~Messaged Vi cuz at least she was with me.

Honestly what were they thinking with voting out Tee? I guess that's a challenge threat out of the way, so I won't complain.

https://youtu.be/HepZnpuimhM ________________________________________________________________ https://youtu.be/IJWWj23olkA

HAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE LANA DEL REY SO MUCH NICE TRY AMIRADOR GET READY PUT ON UR ACRYLIC NAILS AND WINGED EYELINER WE LANA DEL REY TONIGHT FAM 

So the bad news is I found out Drew has been hardcore dropping my name since the game started and I thought we were cool but it's fine snakes will be snakes. I think he's a little shook about my at bat (me having won 1/3 games I've played) cause he's hinted at how crazy that is. And that would explain why he's pulling out fake receipts and conspiracies to get me out. Whew game recognize game https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/ryans-reality-network/images/6/61/Awright_alyssa_edwards.gif/revision/latest?cb=20150724035546 The good news is Eddie is a real one, we really are Joe and Desi from HvHvH, and he spilled all the tea. And honestly we have a similar playing style so we're really about to go the distance, especially if I never get reunited with Julia or Rebecka. SO we need to slay this lip sync so we both live but on the off chance we lose, things are gonna kick into high gear. I've only seen one season of Survivor (HvHvH) but Tyler convinced me to watch Kaoh Rong and let me just say that has shed some light on things. Voting Jacob? Will always be there. Sending another fan out? No problem. Voting long-term? Now that's not a bad idea. So when I said, "What if we got Drew out?" Eddie was all ears. Obviously this is super early and under wraps BUT between the two of us we can make it happen. The key is Tyler and Jake so if we can get them we have a guaranteed majority. It all comes down to timing and the pitch. This is our best chance to clock Drew and whoever fails the vetting process will be left out. If Eddie says that whenever someone takes a shot at Drew they can't afford to miss and that has to be a blindside, then this plan has to be airtight. I wonder who could pull something like that off https://media.giphy.com/media/QmeB1Hr5fz7a0/giphy.gif

I volunteered to do the music video since I was a film major and have professional editing software. It puts a good deal of pressure on me because if we lose it looks like I really dropped the ball. However, I’m hoping that my attempts to organize us and edit the entire thing will earn me some respect and points from my tribe. It’s a bit frustrating getting ideas out of everyone. Nobody seems to want to volunteer thoughts or contribute to the brainstorming and we don’t have much time at all to get this done.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CdgOebQNYEE ________________________________________________________________ https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cdsZyoPZe5Q

First challenge on a new tribe and we lost. WHOOP DE DOO. Im going to try and find an in with the favs and hopefully stick with them. Saying how I have no allegience in this game. Also I keep forgetting that I can idol hunt so Im just casually at level 4 still I think. Ill probably look in the morning. But what were we thinking with Great Balls of Fire. That song is iconic and now that Tyler won he has chances of getting an in with people, but I want him gone Obviously no can do since I am not on his tribe anymore. Might as well dwindle down his numbers from this side then.

So we lost the lip sync. I had to apply lipstick for the first time so that was fun. Sadly one of us has to go home and my guess is it's either Heather, Trixie or Vi unless me or another favorite is getting targeted secretly. I need Heather and Trixie in the game if i'm being honest, mainly due to Trixie having rumors spread about her on the OG Admirador tribe and I wanna see if I can mess around with that. Then Heather was saying that people on the OG Admirador tribe were being fake to her, and she also told me Tyler got paranoid due to Heather not responding to Tyler's messages. So I hope Tyler makes it past merge, because I can work with paranoia. For those who don't know I'm trying a villainy thing and it's probably gonna fail miserably and I'm gonna look like a dumb fuck but I was the hero on my season and I wanted to try villainy out. I'm not good at long confessionals I apologize I feel like i'm the kid in the class presentation who speaks in a monotone voice and makes everyone fall asleep.

Me to the other tribe if/when i reach merge and we get to talk: https://desmadrechic.tumblr.com/post/171063789210/oh-god Ignore the caption that came with the video ajsjsjdkjd

So the other tribe voted out Tee and I'm a n g e r y The challenge was a music video. Still a n g e r y We won. Still a n g e r y!

So like this is bad for the fans, I feel like the faves will just band together and take the easy vote route, I need to socialise today. I need to just make strong social bonds and make sure people want to keep me around. I wanna act dumb and want them to think I am a free number for them. I like Drew and feel like he will be loyal to me, I am no 100% sure what Mitch and Autumn will do but I feel like they will keep me over Jake and Tyler if we end up going to tribal.

Well look at that I got added to a new alliance chat...! Autumn added me, Tyler, and Eddie to an alliance and we named it "Keyboard Smashers" and um I like everyone in it but I also like Drew...so I'm gonna protec him! If we lose and we're still on the same tribe I think I'd want to vote out Mitch since he hasn't made any efforts to talk to me individually. It's a shame bc I think we'd have a lot in common, but oh well! Tbh I have a feeling that we're gonna swap into 3 tribes of 5 next round...my psyche is telling me this...and I'm always right! But I hope I'm wrong because I feel like I'm in a really good position on this tribe and I'm scared to swap on a tribe with people from the other tribe because I think Heather and Vi wouldn't work with me, neither would the faves on the other side. Anyways...I'm a bad bitch.

We just did THAT and I'm happy for it. I've not gotten the chance to be as much if a social butterfly as I would like because my work situation is still adjusting, so if I can keep staying safe until merge that would be highly appreciated. HeatherAs of right now he vote is Vi. I dont agree with it since she is the only one who has been truthful to me in this game so far. But I dont see any way of saving her right now. My only choice I feel in this game is to team up with the favs and get out the fans, which I don't mind as long as that fan isn't me. Plus the fans (minus my loves Vi and Tim) all left me out of the vote. If they think I am going to crawl right back to them come another swap or merge, they have something coming. HOPEFULLY THIS VOTE ISNT ME OR ILL CRY.

So I'm just like really sad because I love vi and I never wanted to vote her out of this game but I have to and that's really sad.  I don't really have much else to say I just feel super guilty.

du du du..... another fan bites the dust and another fan gone, another fan gone another fan bites the dust

Why is it that each tribal gets messier than the last? Well maybe I should back up. We lost... again. Wow what curse have we brought to this tribe. I call bs since we were nice enough to give an upbeat song. The judges are bias smh. Anyways literally no one talked. What vote who? I dunno. It’s super silent which brings bad news. Probably gonna have to expect to be voted out tonight. Oh well. Hopefully heather doesn’t get voted out but I feel like it’ll be another fan that’s gone. The favs know each other and so they’re banding together I believe. Such sadness. I’ll just have to wait until tribal to know tho

Oh, right, this is a thing I need to do. Anyway, same boring shit as always, I'd put "Drew won an immunity challenge" as my mood message but it could be about anything, really. I think there are only like two tribal challenges I've ever lost in Athena. Bonus points because it was the music video challenge so you know my ass floated by and gave it all of ten minutes of thought, but we had a damn savant on the tribe! I love it when tribe swaps work out well for me. People were expressing all this sadness for Trixie and Vi going to their fifth tribal in a row and I'm just sitting here like listen, any goddamn time someone wants to take my seat at tribal and give me the night off, they're welcome to it. Denise Stapley is a cute look on some people, I guess. I'm just fine over here with my Cirie Fields kickback realness, I don't need tribal council, y'all can wait until FTC to give me a torch as far as I'm concerned.

What's the haps? Stress, angina, and crippling anxiety. Anyway. We won immunity which I'm real happy about because I can nOT go to tribal council. I absolutely refuse to lose and I'm really hoping I just make it to merge without attending a tribal council. For some reason I feel like I will I will either go to like the tribal before merge and leave at the first tribal I attend or I will make it to merge without losing and I will be merge boot. I really am happy because I feel like if we went to tribal council Drew would have targeted Autumn which is something I am SOOOO against. I literally sold my soul to that girl and that's who I'm riding with for the rest of the game. So because I love ha so much I kind spilled the beans to her about Drew targeting her. I feel like really bad about it though cause I do consider Drew a close friend but for some reason I'm really having a hard time trusting him. I just feel like he's only with me until he doesn't need me anymore and then he'll totally see me for the threat that I am and take me out. I feel so bad about it but I just feel like it's what I needed to do to show Autumn that I trust her and have her back. Because of that I think Autumn would've gone after Drew and I feel like I would've had to pick a side and I really just can't vote Drew out yet njvjsdfkdnsjk. I would literally feel terrible about it cause I usually don't turn on my close allies pre-merge but if he goes after Autumn then I have no other choice. As I'm typing this I'm beginning to wonder why I didn't just tell Drew that I didn't want to vote Autumn out. Maybe he would've said ok we can target somebody else. Why don't I trust him enough to say that? Hmm idk I'm just so on edge. So a 4 person alliance was created and I'm soooooo happy. MY first alliance in this game! I finally feel have something I can maybe rely on and trust for a bit. It includes Autumn, Jake, and Tyler all of which I LOVEEEEE. Like omg this is my dream alliance I'm screaming. If we stick together we at least have enough to tie it. But who knows what will happen. I'm watching you JAKE >.>

[houseinva]

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For 10 months our fling was absolutely perfect, we didn’t have a single argument, not one. No joke:  Ben and I got along so freaking well that in 10 months we didn't have one, single argument that left either of us (apparently) angry. Ben could completely conceal all his emotions, but I also know from future experience just how angry Ben gets when he chooses not to hide his true sentiments, so I think us getting through nearly a year as best friends with benefits speaks to the dynamic we shared.  

 We got along better than anyone I’d ever been with in my entire life.  He couldn’t have seemed  happier himself, and I was ecstatic, too.  

But Ben and his beau had ended up not breaking up, but they weren’t having sex or getting along either, at least according to Ben. So instead he was always with me, my friends all thought we were together.  Ben was growing increasingly angry and hostile towards his boyfriend and his never-ending cheating, too, and it looked like their break-up was once again imminent in the very near future. When Ben spoke of his boyfriend’s lying and cheating, I found it a bit hypocritical. According to Ben, he was cheating on him with random guys here and there all the time; whereas Ben was having an all-out affair with me and spending more time over than he spent at home. Ben only had negative things to say about his boyfriend, though, he vented to me all the time and as a result I never heard anything good mentioned. I never imagined that he actually had feelings of love for him.

Instead I wondered why he even bothered remaining in the relationship, although when I asked he told me something that I wasn’t expecting: “He was the first guy that made the noise in my head go completely silent.” Hmm… that was rather interesting. I asked him about me, and he responded: “You on the other hand are quite the opposite. But I’ve learned to tune out all your noise, Alex, I’ve learned to deal with you quite well, unlike during round 1.”

Regardless of my noise, Ben continued to treat me like royalty. I believed in my heart of hearts he felt really bad for what he’d done to me in round 1: I’d just been intentionally infected with HIV by my ex, he came along and could have been my rock, but instead he treated me like shit and discarded me; that discard was one of the most painful experiences of my life. And all over as stupid word:  narcissist.

Ben still was devoted to his boyfriend despite never saying anything positive about the guy – for example, he never missed picking him up after work, although he said that was because he had to stay true to his word. Just like he did with me, me went above and beyond to make sure he was a man of his word and he was accountable to the things he promised others. I found it impressive, it was like he was forcing himself to break out of his nature and stick to doing things for others, he was adamant about being a man of his word. He admitted to me one day that he did have narcissistic “traits,” but claimed that this way of thinking, behaving and living was against his life philosophy and so he chose to live a different path.  I believed him; I picked up where my blog had left off and began this, because I was now convinced my blog could have a happy ending. I believed that people with personality issues, narcissism and the like, got a bad rap; that all those negative articles you’d read were one-sided, written by people with bad experiences. You never came across an article actually written by someone with the disorder, you only saw the opposite. So this portion of my story was intended to show the other side, only I didn’t know at all what I was dealing with at that point, that the other side was pure evil and hell fire. Instead I was distracted by the beautiful promises, and all that sex, sex, and more sex.

Only I never once considered that word had maybe enraged him to the point where all this song and dance was merely a way of silencing me for calling him out on his secret. I never once considered this a possibility; with Ben’s never-ending attention, constant sex, incredible compliments, and his offers to help out with everything, what I saw was someone that genuinely wanted to see me succeed and find happiness. He was perfect to me. Only that he did have a boyfriend, and didn’t seem at all phased about dragging me along, subjugating me in a role that was somewhat demeaning. Ironically, Ben’s concern about me isolating myself from the world kinda turned out to be how things ended up for me. But I was clueless as it was happening, little by little, instead I was captivated by his words, overflowing with kindness, and oozing with charm and admiration.

Our feelings became so intense that one night Ben professed his love to me: he said he loved me just as much as his boyfriend, he called me his boyfriend without the title, he swore that if forced him to make an ultimatum, he’d never pick one over the other; must be nice for Ben to have the luxury of so many offers at his disposal. He swore nothing would come in between us, and I believed it. I remember the look in his eyes and the smile on his face when he speaking these words: it felt like the room was growing fuzzy, I felt like he was hypnotizing me to be completely honest; it felt slightly fake even, but it still felt beautiful. And I chose to go along with it, it felt like it was coming from a good place, from his heart, although in hind-site I doubted Ben could truly love to be honest. That was just my gut instinct, whether I wanted to acknowledge it at the time or not…

I was in utter disbelief; I was certain from round 1 that Ben falling for me was not possible, yet somehow the impossible managed to occur. I was shell-shocked, I was perplexed, I was ecstatic.

I’ll admit that I eventually began to take Ben’s “love,” attention, and sexually grooming me for granted; he came over so frequently, the thought of things ending didn’t cross my mind. Our relationship wasn’t just physical sex and talking about love. Ben could find no fault with me, he seemed to be enamored with everything about me, and he made me happy.

Ben never stopped stressing that our friendship was so solid, so important to him, that nothing could ever impact it; time and again he reinforced that nothing – not his current boyfriend, not any future boyfriends – would ever impact what we shared. He was a gentleman, he was glowing light, and he was a master con artist and manipulator, he took pathological lying to a level so advanced that when I became aware of his lies, I didn’t bother questioning him. I can’t put into words the power a narcissist can have over his prey… it’s something that’s not even believable until you actually experience it. I even read up on the disorder while he was courting me, and continued throughout the relationship, only I didn’t believe a word I read as being applicable to Ben. I believed it was a “spectrum” disorder like autism, Ben being only a slight big effected. Or maybe I’d gotten it all wrong I thought, there were soooo many times when I was certain he’d done something horrible to me, only to have him come over with a smile on his face, saying he forgave me for going overboard regarding whatever it was that I accused him of doing. Perhaps I was wrong about Ben having narcissistic ways? Or perhaps the textbooks got it all wrong? Or perhaps the textbook got it right: I would be the one always apologizing, he would be the one always acting like the victim, and every time I’d catch him in the act he’d gaslight me into doubting myself.

When I expressed concern that I could be scapegoated as the cause of Ben and his boyfriend’s problems, suggesting that it might be easier than facing their actual inner demons, he was quick to reinforce that I was incorrect:

Out of any guy I’d met in my life, Ben turned out to be the best one, I felt so lucky to have him in my life, I was so proud to claim him as my bestie. He was so kind, so thoughtful and so good to me; Ben was definitely wild and crazy but yet well-behaved, he was “just right.” He was social when he needed to be, yet still reserved and perfect to be with one-on-one, which I loved. Ben was always so damn mellow and peaceful. I never saw him get upset, at least not yet in round 2. He was always so polite, never rude, never boastful, he was so humble yet he was secure, he was attractive, he was vivacious sexually, he was everything I needed, everything I’d ever wanted, I felt so comfortable with him and I’d never, ever felt this way in my life, not even with my ex during his fake honeymoon phase – this was truly a gift, I’d finally met my match. It was like Ben had been made just for me almost, nobody had ever complimented me this well. As pathetic as this may sound, my experience with round 2 and Ben was the absolute highlight of my life; I’d do anything for that boy, and he knew it, too. I adored him, and I could tell he loved the attention. It was amazing, and I felt like finally – at last – I’d met a true, loving friend that was meant to be.

I always felt safe when I was with Ben. He always left me feeling like nothing bad could happen to me as long as I was with him. I’m not sure why but I knew he always had my back, no matter what.

Despite Ben not speaking highly of his boyfriend, as I mentioned – sexually – he was far more liberal than I was. On several instances, he’d repeatedly asked me to have a threesome with he and his boyfriend, suggesting it was his fantasy, and it might also help re-spark things at home, also. I kinda said yes – although I didn’t really want to, and Ben knew this, too. I’m not portraying myself to be Mary Magdalene, I have nothing against 3-ways – if it floats your boat, more power to you. But for me, personally, while I’d attempted a few in the past, I found that they weren’t my thing.  Ben brought up the topic a handful of times, but I managed to always divert the topic elsewhere.

Then one night Ben came by; I was asleep. He woke me up and said, “Come with me, we’re going to my place and having that three-way.” I was lifeless in bed,  I was still half-asleep, I told Ben that I had no interest. But he wasn’t taking no for an answer. And suddenly Ben was pulling me out of Bed, grabbing my clothes, and insisting I come with him. I slept during the ride to Ben’s house and went in. What ensued was the worst attempt at a 3way in history; the whole time I clung to Ben like he was my husband, showing little interest towards his boyfriend. It was a flop; I soon fell asleep and Ben eventually dropped me back in my bed. The next day Ben apologized, although he acted like this 3way had been a success when it was nothing but a total failure. I felt embarrassed, I felt lame; but at the same time I’d warned Ben that I was in need of sleep, not sex, so I tried rather hard to get out of this.

In a few days Ben stopped texting every day like he’d always done; when I continued texting like normal, he became short with me. When I tried talking to him by phone he seemed distant and cold, not saying much before hanging up abruptly. Despite these changes, I was blown to smithereens when everything suddenly did a complete 180 in the blink of an eye.

Ben said he needed space, only he was rather abrupt and vague with his words, he didn’t explain anything at all honestly: he just kinda blurted out that he needed a break out of nowhere, and it went straight over my head initially. Ben needing “time off” seemed odd since he did all the making plans, initiating our time together, all the sex, everything was on his time already – I just took whatever he gave – so he already controlled our time together and our space apart. I wasn’t texting more frequently than before, and he was the one that started doing it daily to begin with. It seemed like a double standard and I couldn’t understand why Ben was blaming me for his sudden change in character. He was suddenly not the person I’d just spent 10 perfect, blissful months with.

Just like in round 1, everything came crashing down in a whirlwind of drama, everything I thought was real and truthful, showed itself to be the polar opposite. Here Ben had set the pace for everything, and the moment I started going along at the same exact pace – I didn’t do anything he hadn’t been doing the entire time – he then slammed on the breaks and didn’t give 2 shits about doing this to me. Why all the sudden was he saying he needed space, and a break, and time to focus on… his boyfriend? Wait a second, who’s that, I thought it was… kinda me?  HUH? His boyfriend… that guy who was only described in positive words by me, and not Ben? What, what, what?

Just like in round 1, everything erupted unexpectedly, everything I thought was real, was truthful, showed itself to be the polar opposite. Here Ben had set the pace for everything, and the moment I started going along at the same exact pace – I didn’t do anything he hadn’t been doing the entire time – he then slammed on the breaks and didn’t give 2 shits about doing this to me. Why all the sudden was he saying he needed space, and a break, and time to focus on… his boyfriend? Wait a second, who’s that, I thought it was… kinda me?  HUH? His boyfriend… that guy who was only described in positive words by me, and not Ben? What, what, what?

I hadn’t gone after Ben at all; I didn’t have any feelings towards him until he brought up being in love with me. I’m not trying to lay the blame all on him, but in all sincerity, this relationship had been his creation.

He was suddenly a different person, he was exactly the opposite of who I thought he was. Here he’d said he had me exactly how he’d wanted me, how he’d envisioned having me all along since round 1. So what the hell was this going on?

Not once did I ask him to give up time with his boyfriend to be with me, that was all his doing. Never once did I ask him to stay when he’d leave my house to go and pick his boyfriend up. I actually gave Ben good advice on his relationship, it was advice that wasn’t aimed at derailing it either, but rather advice on how to keep things on the positive. I was shocked reading his texts, initially I thought he was joking. But then I realized: Ben was flipping the script, he was painting me out to be the aggressor, the one going after a guy that already had a boyfriend, whereas this had been the opposite of what he said. Was he delusional? How could he not be seeing reality? Our entire relationship was Ben’s creation. But I didn’t read Ben’s mind apparently, and failed to realize that despite his harsh words about his boyfriend, that he was still in love, and they were having issues and he needed space apart to deal with them. Yes, he’d asked me to back off but without any other explanation, it was kinda text-shouted among other things, I didn’t get it at first as it was thrown in among other things. He was so hard to read, often what I read him as being I’d later discover was incorrect.

Suddenly he wasn’t at all understanding and kind like he was prior; suddenly everything changed, and I didn’t seem to know the person I was texting, it was someone totally different. Suddenly my perfect Ben wasn’t so perfect after all, he went off on me like a wild animal showing no mercy, no concern for my feelings at all. This was bizarre, this was strange, this was something out of the twilight zone I never foresaw happening only… it was.

Thinking about Ben’s words that summer, and how much they contradicted all he was saying now… it really hurt, I felt betrayed, I felt beyond confused, I felt like I was in the twilight zone. Only I wasn’t; I was at my house, holding my phone in my hand, shaking. And this was actually happening.

I truly believed Ben viewed me as his second boyfriend, I believed in his promises of our friendship lasting forever, but all of this was suddenly meaningless to him, and I was crushed. The boyfriend without the title, me being on the same playing field as his boyfriend, his selflessness, his kindness, his helping me get better, those were all things he said without me ever enticing him to do so.

Could he have done those all to maliciously ensnare me into letting my guard down and letting him take over my mind with lies? He said these remarks all out of his own free will, how could he suddenly flip-flop like this? I assumed he was under stress and displacing his anger on me at the time. Then several days later I got word that he’d broken up with his boyfriend. I tried to be as polite and understanding as possible, and I told Ben that he’d be missed as we’d initially made plans that Friday night, me tellng him to be good despite the breakup. Only his reaction took me by surprise, it wasn’t something I had expected given my words weren’t rude or mean-spirited.

I didn’t know how to respond; I didn’t know why he was so pissed off… how was I guilt-tripping him with anything? But the next text I sent came back saying that it couldn’t be sent, Ben did exactly what he did in round 1: he blocked me. I was beyond pissed off. This was the ONE thing that I hated more than anything, as it triggered me right back into feeling like I was in the past, in the midst of abuse, and I was livid, I was sad, and I felt desperate, I felt like a part of me died that day.

Ben had broken the one promise I made him agree to in order for me to participate in his vision of us being together. I became angry, and one thing was certain: I was not going to let him get away with it again.

No way in hell.

Ben was going to be held accountable for that one damn promise, after all, I’d stayed true to my word in everything I’d said I’d do for him. Ben came into my life, he’d brought me the warmest, brightest, most intoxicating love I’d ever experienced; he’d made me all these promises I didn’t ask for – and they all were nothing but words in the end. I was somewhere between having a seizure and a panic attack as I tried reaching him by phone using various numbers, only to have him hang up as soon as he heard my voice. If I thought the feeling his first discard left in my stomach was queezie, this was 10 times worse. I was set on a mission to make him keep his word… after all… he knew about the psychopath in my recent past. For him to do something like this, which resembled that incident quite a bit, went against his entire mission statement: to help me get better. This didn’t help me get anything but worse. Why the hell did I even want him in my life if he’d done this to me… twice? Why couldn’t I clearly see the writing on the walls and leave? All it took was noting his smell on my pillow, or anything that reminded me of Ben, and my mind was right back stuck on him. And it wouldn’t stop being stuck either… at least not for quite a while.

First and fourth songs written / performed by me, and as always, for Ben.

Narcissists are very cunning creatures and it is virtually impossible for a ‘normal’ person to wrap their head around this because Narcissists can and do act as if they are perfectly normal, and SANE! They are magicians that use ‘smoke and mirrors’ to get you to BELIEVE in their magic – but in the end you realize it was ALL hocus-pocus!

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Scroll down read about covert narcissism in the Huffington Post.

Imagine that a dear and beloved friend gave you the gift you always dreamed of — your very own Rolex watch! Not only did you treasure the gift, but you have been ecstatic ever since your incredibly generous and kind friend bestowed you with this wonderful and thoughtful gift. Although surprised with the gift, it didn’t shock you, as you were privy to stories about his generosity and kindness to others, who similarly longed for something he was able to give them.

A few months after receiving your gorgeous Rolex, you notice that the crystal has taken on some scratches, which seems unlikely since Rolex watches are known for their scratch resistant sapphire crystals. Three months after that, the unbelievable happens: the watch begins to lose time! You don’t dare mention it to your friend for fear of appearing ungrateful and disrespectful. You choose to keep it a secret, as the watch is more than just a timepiece to you; it is symbolic of the closeness that you and your friend share. After all, you think, it’s not a big deal that your beautiful watch loses only a few minutes a day. No harm, no foul.

To your great surprise, six months after first receiving your cherished gift, your scratched and poorly functioning but beautiful Rolex stops working altogether! Confused but curious, you bring it to a watch repair shop, where you learn that the treasured gift from your treasured friend is a fake; nothing more than a $75, made in China, counterfeit!

With the best intentions, you kindly and sensitively email your friend to let him know he was duped into buying a counterfeit watch. You recommend that he pursue some form of compensation from the criminal jeweler who sold it to him. Although “duped” and “criminal” may not have been the best choices of words, you trust your friend to take it in the spirit in which it’s intended. His response confuses you, as the shared experience of disappointment and frustration you expected was countered by anger and defensiveness. He blames you for prematurely jumping to conclusions, judging him, and being irresponsible and reckless with the valuable gift he unselfishly gave you. The situation gets even more bizarre when you realize that the group of seven men who belong to your shared social circle are carbon-copied on this particular email conversation.

Shocked and dismayed, you reflexively respond to him alone with a firm “chill out” and “back down” message, while asking why he would include the guys from your group in this conversation. This response lights him up like a match thrown into a puddle of gasoline. In a fit of indignant anger, he demands that you return the watch to him so he can disprove your “baseless and vindictive” allegations.

Following your well-meaning attempts to calm him down, diffuse his defensiveness and get him to stop blaming you, you notice that his personality shifts to one that is aloof, cold, and disinterested in hearing anything more about your experience of disappointment. Being confused and stunned by the sum total of his anger and apparent retaliation for your simple heads-up about the watch, you naturally comply by returning the watch to him. You don’t dare challenge his bizarre request because its abundantly clear that doing so would trigger him to an even higher level of histrionic and displaced anger. Plus, you are already embarrassed because all the guys in your group are now privy to this private matter. Little did you know that, by returning the watch, you also forfeited any possibility of clearing your name and restoring your reputation that has been tarnished by this unfortunate and unfair smear campaign.

You will be left trying to reconcile how and why your friend’s empathy, altruism, and sincerity disappeared in an instant and unexpectedly transformed into a laser-focused crusade to hurt you. After careful consideration, you decide to let the whole situation go, as the cards are already heavily stacked against you. Unfortunately, it’s too late and the domino effect can’t be stopped as you learn through the grapevine that your former friend has masterminded a smear campaign that will culminate in an expressed directive to exclude you from all future group activities. The “out of left field” abandonment by your friends will add another layer of trauma and betrayal.

You will be left with a “WTF” set of feelings, while trying to piece together what happened and why. Similar to other victims of covert narcissists, you will sadly realize that your “friend” and the friendship were never real. You may also come to the deeply disappointing conclusion that your counterfeit friend deceived you and others by creating multiple layers of fabricated personality traits, which were designed to benefit him. In other words, you will be shocked at the realization that your friend’s generous, unconditionally loving and altruistic persona was nothing more than an Oscar-worthy performance that was developed, practiced and honed through a long list of other discredited and discarded “friends.”

What you will soon learn is that this beloved friend was always a covert narcissist and the friendship you so dearly appreciated and valued was nothing more than a counterfeit, much like the Rolex watch.

Covert narcissists are masters of disguise — successful actors, humanitarians, politicians, clergy members, and even psychotherapists who are beloved and appreciated, but are secretly selfish, calculating, controlling, and vindictive. They create an illusion of selflessness while gaining from their elevated status. Although they share similar basic traits with the garden variety narcissist, i.e., the need for attention, affirmation, approval and recognition, they are stealthier about hiding their selfish and egocentric motives. Unlike the in your face narcissist, who parades his narcissism for all to see, the covert narcissist furtively hides his real motives and identity.

These narcissists are able to trick others into believing they are honest, altruistic and empathetic individuals. They are successful at pretending to be a more likable version of themselves, knowing that if their true identity was uncovered, they would not be able to maintain the respect, status and prestige that they have so manipulatively obtained.

Compared to overt narcissists, covert narcissists are more reserved and composed. By not advertising their deeper narcissistic values and motives, they are able to achieve their goals, while protecting their innermost insecurities and vulnerabilities. Unlike overt narcissists, they expend a great deal of psychological energy containing or hiding their callous, indifferent, and manipulative inner selves. Even though covert narcissists have repressed the full scope and magnitude of their personality disorder, on a semi-conscious level, they are aware that their fantasies are embarrassing and unacceptable.

Because covert narcissists are able to create and maintain a facade of altruism and unconditional positive regard, they are able to function in positions that are traditionally not attractive to narcissists, e.g., clergy, teachers, politicians, psychotherapists and others. Even though they are able to replicate the known characteristics of these positions, they are often deeply insecure and secretive about their lack of knowledge or inability to perform the most essential tasks. For example, a covert narcissist who is a psychotherapist will have mastered the stereotypical career-specific, idiosyncratic behavior patterns such as reflective listening, supporting and accepting feedback, and gestures that mimic unconditional acceptance.

However, this covert narcissist psychotherapist will be deficient in the most critical area of the job. Although they attempt to demonstrate honesty, sympathy and empathy with their clients, they ultimately fall short. They are simply unable to master the key elements of the position, as they are inherently judgmental, controlling and emotionally aloof. These therapists often become agitated at their clients when challenged or questioned. Clients who do not let them control the process will often trigger a narcissistic injury.

These secretive and slippery narcissists react to their unmasking with the full force of their arsenal of weapons that you would never guess existed. When they perceive a threat to their carefully and meticulously crafted public persona, all bets are off! Since their personal and professional reputation is built on a foundation of lies and misrepresentations, they will protect it by any means necessary. Their reflex to attack the perceived threat is fueled by an adrenaline-infused survival instinct that is no different than if they were cornered by a pack of hungry wolves. They will try to crush the threat, while positioning themselves as the victim of a premeditated vindictive and grievous harm.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ross-a-rosenberg/unmasking-your-counterfei_b_10367886.html

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