#also the amount of fan art i’ve seen lately is breathing life into me

[exceptmyserotonin]

fall out boy is keeping me so well fed with content and music this week 🙏🏾

[coeurdastronaute]

Essays in Existentialism: Plus One, Ch. 2

Previously on Plus One

It oscillated every other minute between being an amazing idea, but also being the worst idea of all time, and Lexa was mostly exhausted of bouncing back and forth. It might be easier, she decided, if she just got herself on board with it being a good idea, but a deep, gnawing hole seemed to manifest itself in her gut at the very thought of seeing her ex. 

As she went through the motions of finishing the day, of doing inventory because it was Wednesday, Lexa tried not to distract herself with the thoughts of her impending trip. In just forty-eight hours, she’d be face to face with Costia, who she hadn’t seen in months, who she avoided before occasionally running awkwardly into each other at mutual friends’ events. She’d come face to face with her ex who was getting married. 

And she was going to do it with a complete stranger on her arm. 

With a heavy sigh, Lexa tossed her clipboard on her tiny desk in the storage closet and plopped down in the squeaky chair, tipping it back with a wail. Her sister was the worst. 

It was quiet in the shop, closed for just a handful of hours, Lexa always took a day to inventory and repair the damage of the week. She enjoyed the late evening work, when her workers were gone, and the shop was empty and full of dreams. No one knew how the cabinets stayed so clean, or how the scratches on table tops got sanded and fixed, or how the wobbly table by the window was miraculous cured one day, or how the ceiling fans got dusted, just that it all happened, and Lexa was off, meaning she didn’t come in until at least ten, the following morning. 

But Lexa sat in the chair and let her brain do the same mental gymnastics it always seemed to do in the new quiet she found herself craving. She opened her laptop and ignored the awaiting spreadsheet, and instead opted to look over the answer Clarke had given her to the “Know your partner” quiz Clarke googled and made them both do. A mix of basic information and Newlywed Game style innuendos, Lexa filled hers out after a bottle of wine and anxiously waited for Clarke’s. 

That was what started the daydreaming. She scrolled through Clarke’s answers and furrowed, doing her best to memorizing all that she could, as if she’d be tested on it all, as if it’d be impossible to believe she could be happy with someone like Clarke. 

And when those thoughts started to seep into her brain, Lexa leaned back again and dug the tips of her fingers into her eyes. 

In a week it’d be over. 

And with that and a deep, heavy sigh, Lexa looked at the screen again and went about learning Clarke. 

She started professionally, of course, looking at her corporate page and resume, because this was, if not anything, simply a business transaction and Lexa thought it was easier to parse a person if she didn’t actually have to fall for her. 

A graphic designer at Anya’s firm, Clarke held accolades and a long list of references. The link to her work showed a wide range of commercial campaigns and a certain amount of talent evident by her list of upcoming projects. A graduate of a small, private, liberal arts university, her academics leaned heavily scientific, which was a surprise until Lexa read some of the answers in the survey about a degree in physics given up for art. 

Lexa promised that she wouldn’t have looked at Clarke’s Instagram if Clarke hadn’t requested her first. She wasn’t someone who lurked, or at least she thought she wasn’t. She didn’t want to be someone who snuck around, digging through someone’s past, analyzing every filter and caption like a private investigator. But then Clarke appeared. 

And there were pictures of Clarke with friends getting drinks on a rooftop. And then the one with her laughing and baking. Or the Christmas party where she was on a corporate Santa’s lap, smiling so wide her eyes were shut. Despite herself Lexa found herself smiling along with the girl in the pictures. The one who went hiking with a pack of dogs, and the one who seemed to always be eating something. The one who had a lot of friends and enjoyed making them smile and laugh. The girl who posted storie about her morning run, and the girl who seemed to have a healthy work life balance. 

Lexa closed the webpages and stared at her inventory for exactly two seconds before curiosity won again and Lexa started looking at Costia’s account. There were the standard pictures of her pre-wedding planning. There was Costia working out. There was her new bride-to-be, happy and smiling at a gift for her birthday. 

And then a throwback that made Lexa’s stomach drop as she stared at a familiar image of Costia smiling in a bikini on a beach. It was from the last trip they took. Lexa was the one behind the camera. 

Three weeks after that picture was taken, Lexa walked in on Costia and a girl in the middle of the afternoon. Right in their own bed. Only to then discover it’d been going on for months. And it wasn’t the first. And then, Lexa didn’t remember much except that she moved into the apartment above her coffee shop and woke up one morning alone on sheets that weren’t familiar, in a room full of boxes. 

It seemed even more difficult to start inventory after that shot to the gut. 

But her phone went off, and Lexa leaned back in her chair after shutting the laptop again, wondering if that sinking feeling ever went away when it came to someone you love, or loved, or once loved, even for a moment. She didn’t have anything to compare it to, and she didn’t have any idea what love really was. 

It felt like a deep wound was scratched open, the scab pulled back, and a burning numbness gnawing at the bottom of her spine. It felt like it would swallow her whole, and Lexa hated, more than anything, giving anyone the power to do anything as such over her. 

Hey! Do you think this will go with your outfit?

An image came next, of Clarke in a dressing room wearing a very pretty dress, with very messy hair with her tongue sticking out. Lexa didn’t notice the gnawing feeling disappear. 

We don’t have to match completely. 

We do! Don’t you know how to date?

Not really. 

Another picture of another dress came a moment later. Clarke was pretty. She was happy and silly and kind. It felt oddly normal, for as crazy as the whole scheme actually was. 

I like that one, Lexa wrote, making sure to add a heart-eyed emoji to emphasize her point. Maybe that was flirting. Maybe she was allowed. She definitely needed more rules. 

Good, I do too. It matches your tie, you know? And these heels will still leave you a little taller than me. 

Sounds good to me!

Kind of excited. I guess I’ll see you at the airport tomorrow. 

I’ll be the one at the bar. 

I’ve heard it’s possible to find your soulmate at the airport. Something about the crossing of paths and time and space. 

If my soulmate is a bottle of wine, then I reckon I might. 

A love story for the ages. 

Lexa smiled once more at her phone before tossing it to the side and letting her head drop to the desk. With a groan she growled into her hands and broke it down. She just needed to make it seventy-two hours. That was it. She could sleep for about twenty of those. She could drink for another twenty or more, if she really tried. 

But this was it. This was the end. 

And regardless of the weight of everything else, there was something satisfying about knowing it was almost over. 

XXXXXXXXXX

The airport was absolutely teaming with bodies and people, weaving their way through the swelling crowds, loading and unloading the terminals at a constant, steady thumping rate, so regular one could set a watch to the heartbeat of the building. 

Clarke adjusted her bag on her shoulder and tapped the ticket against her thigh as she moved through the security line. The nerves were coming for some reason. That was why she was at the airport three hours before the flight. She was anxious and needed a stiff drink and a few moments to catch her breath. She needed to escape the whirlwind she’d allowed herself to create. 

Carefully, she made her way through the airport, checking the boards and finding her way to a seat in the empty waiting room. Not even an attendant waited at the kiosk. 

Once again, she let herself awkwardly scroll on her phone, learning everything she could about her future date and weekend plans. 

Lexa was nearly non-existent online. She didn’t have any pictures of herself. She rarely posted anything on her personal account, and when she did, it was just a book or a coffee or from a trip. She wasn’t one to enjoy being the center of attention, but when it came to her shop, she made sure to post almost daily, highlighting her employees and their recommendations, she made share to highlight events, she made sure to be as active as possible. 

Anya had already warned Clarke that her sister was devoted to her work. She’d poured all of her effort into being successful and part of the community, and Clarke admired it, she just wished that there was more for her to see. 

And so, once more, she flipped back to the long line of questions they’d filled out before giving up and gazing out the window at the planes coming and going. 

For a moment, she allowed herself to think that she was doing something nice and good. It was an act of charity. It was the shake up Clarke needed and was selfishly trying to package as benevolent. 

“You beat me, and I’m usually the first one here for a flight,” Lexa observed, walking up to Clarke, stealing her from her reverie. 

“I like airports. Just waiting for true love to stroll up and introduce themselves.”

Lexa shoved her hands in her pockets, her bag balanced on her shoulder as she cautiously looked around, surveying the empty terminal slowly. Clarke watched her look around, smiled at the innocence of it. Enjoyed the way she ran her hand through her hair, mussing it up a bit and tossing it to another side. 

“No one likes airports,” Lexa shook her head before taking the seat beside her. 

“I do. They’re romantic.” 

“Romantic?” 

“You can get onto a plane, and a few hours later, you’re hundred of miles away, and it’s different weather, and it’s a different time zone. You can go to sleep in a different state. How can you not be romantic about that.”

“It’s a tin can filled with recycle air.” 

“But there are peanuts.” 

That did it. Lexa cracked a smile to herself and relaxed a little. 

“I was going to be the first one here. Surprise you with coffee, but you beat me to it.” 

“You are quite a good girlfriend. Someone clearly trained you well.” 

Lexa shook her head, somewhat bashful, somewhat reserved. There was always something right there, just below the surface, obfuscated by a kind of resolve to never give anything away, not at any price. Clarke read it between words in their texts and emails, a glaring finality in the simple pixel of a period. 

“Can I get you a coffee? Two creams, two sugar right?”

“You don’t have to--”

“It’s early and I’m trying to be charming. Allow me to somewhat repay you for this whole endeavour.”

“Sounds good. Thanks, darling.” 

With the term of endearment, Lexa nodded, grinning into her chest as she stood and made her way across the terminal in search of sustenance. Clarke watched her take out her phone, texting her sister no doubt. 

Once more, Clarke resumed the digging on her own, scrolling on her own phone at old pictures on Lexa’s profile. She was ready for fun, and she was ready to crack at that facade. 

“I don’t know if this will help,” Lexa sighed as she sat down. “I didn’t sleep a wink last night.” 

“Oh this won’t be good for me either,” Clarke said as she took a sip. “I’m a fairly nervous flyer.”

“And yet you let me get us both coffee.” 

“You made a good point, and I’m prepared to be paid back all weekend.” 

With another grin, Lexa leaned back, her arm going on the back of the chair that Clarke inhabited, naturally, with ease, with a level of comfort. 

“Are you ready to tell me the story?” 

“Which one is that?” Clarke turned to look at her date, returned from an absent moment. 

“How we met.” 

“How we met,” she nodded, her smile bordering on mischievous. “That’s simple. Don’t you remember? It was a very blustery Tuesday, and I was trying to escape the wind and rain. I almost tripped coming into your coffee shop, but you happened to be sweeping, and were kind enough to catch me.”

“You’re severely overestimating my reflexes.” 

“Fine. I ran you over and we both ended up on our asses in the middle of the coffee shop. Coffee everywhere.” 

“Sounds pretty likely.” 

“And I knew right there, I was hooked. Those eyes, all angry and annoyed at me for not looking where I was going, despite my persistent defense that I’d been assaulted by the weather.” 

“Why do I have to be the angry one?” 

“Wouldn’t you be though?” Clarke returned, daring her to be contradicted.

“Maybe,” Lexa agreed over the lid of her cup, fretting with it nervously. 

“So I crashed into you, and you bought be a coffee. I turned up every day after that until I finally asked you out. You took longer than I would have liked to answer me, but I accepted it anyway, and we’ve been madly in love ever since.” 

“And when was this?” 

“About eight months ago.” 

“How’s it going so far?” 

“Splendidly. I’ve already met your sister, who it happens that I work with, which is super convenient for everyone.” 

Quietly, Lexa sat there, going over the story, going over all of the past eight months of apparent bliss in her head. Clarke watched her furrow before softening, her eyes not seeing, but rather looking through the window as a plane took off and another landed. The softening of her features was soon met with a perplexion, a slight, gentle contortion of the brow and the lips, a tightening as a kind of confusion overtook the ease of the entire story. 

“Is it that easy?” Lexa asked quietly, turning her head toward her date. Clarke cocked her head, waiting for more. “Is all of it… just… a wind? Waiting for someone to just ask you out? Is it that easy? Does that happen to people?” 

“It can. How does anything happen in the world? It just… does. The universe is just a series of things happening, all of the time, right?”

“But is it that easy?”

To her credit, Clarke thought about it. She flexed her jaw and took a deep breath before slowing letting it go as she wondered if it really was. 

“I don’t know. Maybe it can be.” 

“How?”

“I guess there has to be a balance to making things happen and letting things happen.” 

“I don’t know if I’m good at either of those things,” Lexa confessed. She sat up straighter a moment later, afraid of her honesty, and surprised more by how easily it came out. 

“I think you can be.”

“That’s probably too kind.” 

“We’ll see.” 

Clarke rubbed Lexa’s shoulder, rubbed the middle of her back between her shoulder blades until she reached the collar of her shirt, where she massaged her neck. She tensed before relaxing, and Clarke didn’t stop, just rubbed there gently, slowly until she knew it was enough and she trailed her palm back toward the seat. 

It was right there, they just didn’t know it.

[florenceandthemachine]

cutting down the family tree

@buckleydiazs​ said:

High school au where Buck’s the sad lonely kid with the shit family and Eddie’s the popular captain of the wrestling team who makes it his personal mission to make Buck an honorary Diaz and convince him that he deserves nice things I am just saying

WOW this got a lot longer than I thought, so I abandoned the ask and put everything all up in here. Only barely edited, SORRY LMAO.

8.5k, Buddie HS AU. underage-ish if you squint I guess? tw for abuse.

--

Buck was good at going unseen.

It was a defense mechanism—his parent’s couldn’t get upset with what they didn’t realize was there—and it had only amped up once Maddie graduated. Once she went off to college, Buck had no reason to be a distraction anymore, to try and pull attention off of anyone; so he just got better at it. He could pick things up and set them down without a sound. He constantly walked on the balls of his feet. He even kept his breathing even, slow and low, whenever he wasn’t alone.

At home, Buck had gotten really good at—nay, he had perfected—the art of becoming invisible. So it only made sense that it translated to his school life, as well. 

He got good grades—straight A’s—but only high enough to keep his grades at a 4.0, not high enough to earn Valedictorian, no AP classes, no crying over tests. Enough to ensure he would have opportunities after high school, but not enough to bring any student or teacher attention his way. 

He worked out every day, and had for years, years of defending himself or defending Maddie meant he had to be in the best shape he could be in—but while his body was packed with lean muscle and quick reflexes, he drowned himself in clothes that were a size too big, making him look smaller, unassuming. He kept his posture slouched whenever he wasn’t standing to take a few inches off of his height, to the point that he could get lost in a crowd while you were still looking at him.

He didn’t participate in after school activities. He didn’t run for school president. He didn’t have a flashy car, a high status girlfriend, he didn’t show any interests that might make him friends or enemies.

Buck was invisible to absolutely everyone.

Well... everyone except Eddie Diaz.

Eddie Diaz, who was a senior, like Buck was, but was new to Pennsylvania, moving over the summer — who was 18, a year older than Buck, because he was held back in the third grade for fighting — Eddie Diaz, who had joined the wrestling team and made captain in an embarrassingly short amount of time (well, embarrassing for the rest of the team). 

Why did Buck know all of this?

Because this was also Eddie Diaz, who, on the first day of Senior Year, locked on to Buck with laser-like focus, ignored all of Buck’s defenses, and apparently decided to take him on as a new friend pet project. 

And much to Buck’s annoyance, he just couldn’t. Shake. Eddie. Off.

He definitely tried. He changed his walkways, he changed the bathrooms he used, he changed where he parked, he did everything except change his schedule—and Eddie was still there, keeping up mostly one sided conversations. The only time he had to himself any more was his free period, the time he spent in the school weight room, and never before had be been so thankful for that regular moment of peace.

Buck finally hit his limit one lunch period, spent huddling in the library, when Eddie sat down across from him. "Eddie, isn’t there someone who actually wants to have lunch with you? Some of your friends, or teammates, or someone who isn’t me?” Buck had asked, barely looking up from the text book he had been reading—he wasn’t a fan of the ‘mean’ route, but he was at his wits end. When Eddie paused, Buck actually felt hope rise up in his chest, that he would be alone again. 

But Eddie had just leaned forward, made eye contact, and said “Nope.” with the biggest, shit eating grin Buck had ever seen.

Fine. It was less than a year. Buck could handle Eddie being around him for less than a year. 

--

Buck could not handle less than a year. 

Because Eddie, Eddie was nice. To him. To Buck, who had never said more than ten words to any other student since the day he started high school. Eddie was nice to him, and it was going to kill him.

It was going to kill Buck because he found himself wanting to be nice back. 

Not that Buck was a mean person, because he wasn’t, but niceness was followed by friendship, and friendship was followed by attachment, and that was simply unacceptable as far as Buck was concerned. 

... not that he hadn’t wondered, of course. He had always wondered what it would be like, to be able to hang out with friends, to have people come over to his house for his birthday, to have more contacts in his cell phone than the front desk of the gym near his house, his parents, and Maddie. 

He had wondered, sure, but he had never missed it. He had never craved it. He knew it was more important for him to be on his own, at least for the time being—an attachment would make it that much harder to get as far from the east coast as possible when time came for college, and that was unacceptable. 

But...

As he pulled in the parking lot, to a familiar spot near the back of the school, and saw Eddie waiting there for him so they could walk in to class together... 

Alright, so he wanted it. So sue him. 

“Buckaroo!” 

Well, that was a good way to make him want it a little less, at least.

“Eddie, I’ve told you,” Buck said with an exasperated sigh, locking his car behind him. “It’s just Buck.”

(Eddie had called him Evan once. Just once. Once the blind panic had subsided, Buck had put a stop to that, real quick.)

“And I’ve told you,” Eddie said in a sing-song voice, “it’s a nickname. Nicknames are what friends do, remember?”

“Your words, not mine.” 

Friends. Is that what they were? He rolled his eyes and shouldered his bag instead of thinking about it too deeply, but he couldn’t deny the spike of anxiety that rippled through him as Eddie started to ramble, falling back into the easy habit of talking for the both of them. He didn’t want friends. He just wanted to get out. 

“...and so I told him...”

Besides, it wasn’t like Eddie actually considered him a friend. They had barely spoken—well, Buck had barely spoken anyway. There was no way in hell that Eddie actually cared about him, right? He had to have some secondary motive.

"and after that, she...”

But that was frustrating in and of itself. Buck had been so sure that Eddie was up to something, or had some ulterior motive, or but damn it if Buck hadn’t been able to determine what it was. None of Eddie’s little douchebaggy wrestling friends had approached them, Eddie hadn’t even tried to get Buck out of his comfort zone yet, he hadn't done anything, and somehow, that was even more frustrating.

“...just because Ms. Syzmaski’s a wrinkled old bitch.”

Buck let out a laugh, in spite of himself, as Eddie rambled on, shaking his head. Ms. Syzmaski wasn’t that bad, and—oh. 

He covered his mouth as soon as he realized what he had done. He didn’t think he had laughed at all since Maddie left, and to have one pulled out of him so suddenly was a little surprising, to say the least—but as he turned to Eddie, beet red, he could tell that he wasn’t the only one surprised. 

The look that Eddie was giving him, however, was the closest thing to “starry eyed” that Buck had ever seen.

“I, uh, I have to get to class. Bye Eddie.” Buck blurted as he turned and booked it down the hall, not quiet quick enough to miss the smile and the incredibly soft “Bye, Buck” that followed him.

--

Things only got worse as more time went on.

Better?

No, worse. Definitely worse. 

Because Eddie could make him laugh, and the more time he spent with him, and the more he actually listened, the more likely those moments were. He was nice, too nice, on the rare occasion that Buck actually had lunch in the lunch room instead of hiding in a stairwell or the library, Eddie said goodbye to his friends and joined him kind of nice. The kind of nice that worked its way past Buck’s defenses, instead of breaking them down.

The kind of nice that made Buck actually want to open up, which, as he would never forget, was a dangerous kind of nice.

It was also, as he learned too late, the kind of nice that made him fucking cave in way too easily to Eddie’s whining. 

“Come on, Buck,” he had begged. “I’m going to be failing Chemistry if I don’t get a B on the midterm, and if I fail chemistry, I get booted from the team. You have to help me.”

And like a sap, Buck had sighed in agreement, giving up a Friday night doing nothing to help the intellectually infirm (“Hey!”).

Wincing as he touched up the concealer on his cheek, Buck dragged his backpack out of the passengers seat of his car, giving an appreciative look up to the small, ranch style house that spread out before him. It probably said a lot about his own expectations if he already felt more comfortable in front of a row of little ranch houses than he would in front of his own house, but… well, that was just it. His house was a big, gaudy house in a neighborhood full of big, gaudy houses. But everything about where he was now—the sound of a dog barking, the smell of someone cooking on the grill, the fact that you didn’t need to ask anyone to buzz you in to a front yard—screamed home.

He didn’t think anything could spoil how light he felt—and that was certainly proven true as Eddie opened the door before Buck even had a chance to knock. 

“Hey Buck, thanks again, you… uh, wow. You look, uh, great.”

It was a small surprise, but a nice one. He had ditched his regular, baggy, hiding-in-plain-sight clothes for a simple pair of jeans and a polo shirt, casual but comfortable, and he tried to ignore the smile tugging at his lips even as his face heated up. 

“I mean, it’s nothing special, it’s just jeans and a—“

“Eddie! Bring your friend inside and close the door!”

It didn’t matter how he had tried to prepare himself, there was something about a parent yelling that would probably always cause Buck to tense up, and tense up he did. If Eddie noticed, he didn’t say anything, thankfully, just hooked his elbow in Buck’ as he yelled right back. “His name is Buck, Mama, I told you that!”

He tried to get his heart to calm down as he felt Eddie tug him to the doorway, his free hand clinging to his backpack strap for dear life, bracing himself as he walked into… 

…something that could not have been more polar opposite of his own life if it tried. 

Eddie’s house was smaller, sure, but it was homey in a way that Buck had only imagined or seen in Hallmark movies. He was all smiles as Eddie introduced him to both of his parents (he knew how important first impressions were, had had that beaten in to him from a very young age), but he found that it wasn’t fake—he was genuinely glad to be there. Even if it still threw him for a loop when Eddie’s mother had insisted on being called Helena, had shoved a tray of snacks into Eddie’s arms, and sent them to Eddie’s room to study. 

“Go on, we’ll let you know when dinner is ready. Get your studying done.”

“Thanks, Mama.”

“And leave the door open!”

“Mama!”

Buck was only mildly placated by the fact that Eddie was blushing as brightly as he was. 

Any concerns that Eddie wouldn’t be taking this seriously, or was just looking for a reason to hang out and fuck around, were quickly put to rest as Eddie pulled out his chemistry book. It was comforting to know that Eddie was just as serious about his grades as he acted, and it made things a lot easier—when Buck didn’t have to spend half of his time telling Eddie to pay attention or to focus, as he had feared, things moved at a pace he hadn’t anticipated. 

Eddie was incredibly smart. That much was obvious from the get go. Chemistry just didn’t click with him, but that was easy enough to rectify—he just had to help Eddie see things from a different angle, to focus more on the process than the end result, and “seriously Eddie, would it kill you to take a legible note for once in your life?” 

Buck had set to work on transcribing some of Eddie’s rushed notes into a legible format while Eddie continued to work on a few practice problems, and before Buck knew it several hours had gone by and they were both being called down for dinner, and… look, Buck had a live in cook for most of his life, but damn if Helena’s enchiladas didn’t blow them out of the water. 

He found himself drawn into the family dynamics easily—Eddie had introduced him to his sister, Sophia, explaining that Adriana was out for the night, and they talked, bickered, poked fun, everything that Buck had figured was out of his reach for the longest time. He spoke when he was asked questions, and let himself engage in a few conversations, but more than anything, he just sat and ate and soaked up the delicious atmosphere.

Was this what a family really felt like? He didn’t think he had ever felt like this at home, even before Maddie had graduated, even before his father had started drinking. He felt something white hot burn in his chest as the night dragged on—not jealousy, or envy, something more dangerous, want. It seemed like a cruel joke, that someone so close to him got to have it all, while he had… nothing, but as he looked over at Eddie, his head thrown back in laughter at one of his mothers jokes until Sophia flicked a piece of corn into his open mouth and he sputtered, he wouldn’t wish the reverse on even his worst enemy.  

--

The good part about Pennsylvania was that it didn’t matter what time of the year it was, it was usually cold. Cold meant long sleeves and sweaters to cover the arms, and long pants to cover the legs, especially as the sticky feeling of Summer turned to foggy breaths and dew, and Buck could breathe a little easier. 

Just a little easier, though, because when you were tugging your hoodie down over your head to cover a black eye, you couldn’t relax. Not really. 

He was usually so careful. He was usually so good about covering his bruises (hell, he was usually good at getting bruises anywhere other than his face), but the last time he had touched himself up, he had forgotten to cap the concealer and the entire tube had run dry. He was sloppy. He had been reckless and stupid and sloppy and now he was paying the price; because as confident as he would have been a semester ago about getting through the day with a shiner and no one noticing, the day now included Eddie. 

He didn’t know if he could avoid Eddie for an entire day. What was worse, he didn’t know if he wanted to.

The day had started off pretty well. He took the train to school instead of driving so Eddie wouldn’t see his car. He was barely on time to each and every class to avoid Eddie in the halls. He ignored every text that came in—though he did allow himself a grin when Eddie sent him a picture message of his Chemistry test, a big 91 circled on the front of it. He even managed to find a new place to eat his lunch, one he was sure that Eddie wouldn’t know about. 

And then everything had gone to shit. 

He had finished his History midterm early, turned it in with his head down, and walked out of the classroom. His next period was his free one, so he decided to head to the gym early, taking a quick stop in the locker room to change into a baggy, long sleeved shirt, chucking his hoodie and his backpack in a locker before getting to the gym. There was only one other person in the room, back turned to Buck as he walked in—it was as good as it could get, and he sent a silent prayer up to anyone who was listening in thanks.

It was going to be a cardio day, Buck could tell—his right wrist was a little sore, and his shoulder too, and while thankfully neither of them felt dislocated it definitely wouldn’t be a good idea to try to lift weights. He could feel the tension bleed out of his shoulders as he started to stretch out his hips and legs, nearly ignoring the telltale buzz he felt at the base of his skull until it was too late. 

“Buck! There you are!” 

Buck bolted upright at the same moment as a hand clapped onto his shoulder, squeezing in the friendly way Buck had become so accustomed to—but now, instead of a familiar warmth in his stomach, it sent a bolt of pain through his body. He sucked in a gasp and jerked his body away from the pain, fists halfway up as he turned around, his body sagging when he saw Eddie standing opposite to him.

Eddie, who he had been avoiding all day, who’s multiple messages he had left on read, who now looked like he was face to face with a ghost. If he could imagine how he looked right now, he might have laughed—black eye, slumped shoulder, pale, panicked face. It was probably hilarious, even if Eddie didn’t seem to think so.

“Buck?”

“Hey, Eddie.”

“Buck, what... what happened to you? Is this why you’ve been avoiding me all day?”

The biting comment was on the tip of Buck’s tongue, to tell Eddie to fuck off, to get lost, but Eddie sounded so small and scared he couldn’t bring himself to snap. Instead, he offered a weak smile, shrugging his good shoulder. “Nothing I can’t handle. You should see the other guy, right?”

It probably was in poor taste to go for a joke, and Eddie’s dark expression only confirmed that fact, but what was Buck supposed to say? ‘Hey, no worries, my mom broke a picture frame so it was either let her get the shit beat out of her or take the heat?’ Yeah, no.

Suddenly, his face was in Eddie’s hands, and oh wow that was nice, and he had to work to keep from sighing as Eddie’s fingers went feather light over his skin.

“Buck, this wasn’t just a little love tap.” Hah, no, there was no love in it at all. “You know, I could teach you how to block a few hits. Some self defense.”

Buck laughed, humorlessly, shaking his head. “No, that’s okay. Not a lot of good there, I don’t think.” he shrugged, shaking his head, even as Eddie opened his mouth to protest.

“But I can—” 

“Stop. Don’t worry about it, seriously.”

“Buck, I am serious. I’m really worried about you, have been all day.”

Buck had to swallow at that, his heart sinking, and he looked down as he weighed his options. Neither were good. But if one kept Eddie from worrying...

“...fine. On one condition.” Buck said, his voice a little thick as he looked back up to Eddie, who... well, he looked like he would do anything Buck asked at that moment, and wasn’t that an interesting swarm of butterflies in his stomach?

“You stop asking about how I got them.”

Eddie’s face did a funny kind of flip flop, but eventually, he nodded. “Fine. First lesson starts now.”

Buck sighed again as he thumbed the hem of his shirt, debating for only a moment before he pulled it off. The tank top he was wearing beneath didn’t hide a whole lot, but he figured Eddie had already seen one bruise, and had promised not to ask about the rest, so he didn’t think much could come from getting rid of the heavy, hot garment.

What would come of it, apparently, was Eddie gaping at him, eyes nearly bugging out of his head. Buck felt a sense of shame pool in his stomach, ready to put the shirt back on in another second—he didn’t think the bruises were so bad, but maybe—

“Buck, you’re—you’re ripped.” 

What?

“How are you not on the wrestling team with me? Or the lacrosse team, or football, or... something?”

Buck blinked for a moment before he felt blood rush to his face. Oh. Oh. Eddie wasn’t staring because he was disgusted, or horrified, but because he apparently... liked what he saw. From a sportsman perspective. That had to be it. Right. He cleared his throat, willing the pink to die down on his cheeks. “Eddie, are you gonna teach me or what?”

Eddie’s eyes snapped up, wide as dinner plates, voice an active higher as he spoke. “Right!” He cleared his throat, shaking his head as he stepped closer to Buck. “Okay, so, if someone is going to come at you from the front, if they try and throw a punch, you just move the outside of your arm to knock the arm back, and—good.” 

Buck didn’t even wait for Eddie to finish speaking, as soon as the hand was up he batted it away with perhaps a bit more force than needed, a thoroughly unimpressed look on his face. 

“Okay, but then you need to follow through with a hit when they’re open. See—” 

Eddie moved to throw a punch again, slow and painfully obvious, and Buck followed his instructions, pushing it away, and then... not doing anything. Eddie scowled, raising his hand again, and just like before, Buck knocked it away with the inside of his fore arm, trying to focus on the best point to hit to knock the hand away.

“Buck, you have to follow through. Blocking is great but you have to use the opening to hit back.”

Punch- block. Punch- block. Punch- block. Eddie started picking up the tempo, moving around Buck, 

“I’m not hitting back, Eddie.”

Yeah, right. Buck hit back, and he’d probably get beaten beyond recognition. Pass.

“I can see that, but you have to. If someone is going to try and hurt you, you have to strike whenever you’re open. One good hit and you can run like hell.”

Punch- block. Punch- block. Where exactly was he supposed to run to? The living room? The kitchen?

“No.”

Eddie gave a quicker shot—still weak, but Buck ducked, pushing the hand away from him. This was actually proving to be pretty useful.

“Look, I get not wanting to hit someone, but you just need to daze them if you’re going to get away.”

“Eddie, I don’t hit back. That’s now how this works.”

“Well why the fuck not—” 

“Because it doesn’t fucking matter!” Buck yelled, his tone taking himself by surprise, as did the heat that suddenly burned through his face. “It doesn’t matter if I land a hit or not, it doesn’t matter if I get hurt, as long as he doesn’t hurt anyone else!” 

“He?”

The words hung in the air, heavy and dark, and Buck almost swallowed his tongue when he realized what he had said. 

“Buck, who did this to you?”

“I have to get to class.”

It was too much. Buck swallowed as he turned around, abandoning his belongings in the locker room as he fled through the gym doors. He didn’t have to run far—thankfully he had his phone and wallet with him, which meant he had a train ticket—and only when he managed to throw himself between the closing doors of the Thorndale line did he manage to breathe again. 

He pulled his phone out when the train took off, shooting a quick message to Maddie, asking her to call him out for the rest of his day.

Then he turned off his phone, put his head in his hands, and started to cry.

--

When Buck came to school the next day, he had his concealer on, and as far as he was concerned, the day before had never happened. He parked in his regular area, locked the doors, and tried not to sigh too heavily when he saw Eddie waiting from him. 

He didn’t have it in him for a fight, but Eddie had both his hands up, and that was enough to keep Buck from running again. 

For now.

“Look, Buck, I won’t ask details, but.... just tell me, are you okay?” Eddie asked, his voice slow and unsure, and Buck felt a frown creeping over his face in spite of himself. 

He tilted his head as he looked Eddie over, brow furrowed. “You really care about me.” A statement, not a question, but Eddie nodded all the same. “Why?”

If the question caught Eddie off guard, he didn’t show it. Instead, he looked away, seemingly chewing over his words as he tried to answer. 

"Because you’re worth being cared about, Buck.”

Buck hummed as he considered the answer, acting like it didn’t just rock him to his very core, and sighed as he opened his arms and pulled Eddie into a hug—Eddie seemed surprised, but pleased, and Buck didn’t have to wait long before Eddie was hugging him back, so gently and mindful of Buck’s body that he thought he might start crying again.

“So, it’s not just these rugged good looks?” he mumbled into Eddie’s hair, and Eddie groaned, shaking his head. 

“Buck, please.”

“My charming personality?”

“Buck, please.”

--

Somehow, nothing changed, and everything did. 

Eddie didn’t bring up the bruises anymore, possibly because they weren’t visible anymore, but he held himself differently around Buck—instead of grand claps on the back, he tugged at Buck’s elbow, instead of a teasing elbow to the ribs, it was a playful shoulder bump—all, Buck knew, things that Eddie could do without risking aggravating an unseen injury.

Any doubt in his mind that Eddie knew what was going on was dashed almost immediately, when Eddie intentionally steered the conversation in their little friend group (which was mostly the wrestling team, who had decided beyond all reason that Buck was okay) away from family matters. It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together, and Buck was sure it was at least a little obvious when you got to know him where the bruises came from, but that was why Buck had been so hesitant to get to know anyone in the first place.

What was new, though, was the hand holding. It started off as Buck being led around, but then Eddie never really let go of his hand. Buck didn’t mind it, even though he felt he should—he was more or less dying for any physical contact that didn’t hurt, an itch he didn’t even know he needed scratched until Eddie showed up. But it was still... weird.

It wasn’t until later on, as Thanksgiving break loomed around the corner, when Eddie let his hand trail over his shoulders while dropping a burrito and chips from the Qdoba off campus did Buck start connecting dots. 

Eddie was always a touchy feely guy, and it had only increased as of late.

Eddie had blushed when Buck took off his shirt—and for good reasons, apparently. 

And now, Eddie was treating him to lunch. 

They were all fine things on their own, but once was an accident, twice a coincidence, and three times, a pattern.

He swallowed his bite of burrito—the perfect order, even though he was sure Eddie had only asked him what he liked once, weeks ago—and derailed whatever train of thought Eddie had going in one fell swoop.

“...but if you look at the—” 

“Eddie, are we dating?”

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting. A denial, maybe? Or another blush and topic change?

What he wasn’t expecting was for Eddie to nod his head, his smile a little wider, and then just continue on. 

“Anyway, as I was saying—” 

“No, hang on. We’re dating? This is like, a lunch date? You bought me lunch, because we’re on a lunch date?”

Eddie’s smile was so soft that Buck instantly felt at ease, even though he knew he was probably asking the dumbest questions of all time. “Yeah Buck, this is a lunch date. I didn’t want you to freak about it, but I knew you’d come to the conclusion eventually.”

Buck hummed as he reached over, stealing one of Eddie’s chips, chewing it thoughtfully before he rose his brow. “Well, this is a pretty nice first date, then.”

He tried not to be offended when Eddie snorted, raising his brow as he met the challenge. 

“Buck, this is at least our second or third date. Our last date was me bringing you home to meet my parents.” Eddie said with a smirk, but Buck frowned, shaking his head. 

“Wait, Eddie, that was forever ago. What was our first date then?” Buck asked, confusion written all over his face. 

Eddie actually blushed—okay, Buck was officially never getting tired of seeing that—as he looked up, humming in a way that was probably meant to be nonchalant but definitely wasn’t. “Oh, uh, well I consider our first date to be the first lunch we had. Um, the one where I made the joke about Ms. Syzmaski’s wrinkly old ass?”

Buck was honestly lucky he had swallowed before Eddie spoke, because that would have been a spittake for sure. “What the fuck about that joke made you think of that as a date?” 

Eddie was pink again and Buck had to physically bite his tongue not to goad him about it, but he was steadily getting redder as Buck waited. Finally, Eddie threw up his arms, sighing in defeat as he buried his head in his hands. 

“It was... it was the first time I made you laugh, okay? That’s why it was so nice.”

Oh, that was cute. Fuck, that was so cute. Buck could actually feel his resolve start to give way, which was unacceptable on more than one level, and he took a breath as he steadied himself. “I’m not staying.”

Eddie look like he had been punched. “What?”

“I mean it. I’m not staying. As soon as I graduate I’m getting out of this state, hell, this time zone if I can.”

“Buck—“

“I mean it, Eddie, I can’t—can’t stay here. And I like, you, I really like you, but if you’re staying in state, you have to know that I won’t. Not for anything, so if that’s a dealbreaker for you, you should just…”

His lungs ran out of his air as he forgot to breathe, but it was probably for the best, Eddie taking the moment to jump in before Buck could continue freaking out. “Buck, what makes you think I’m staying?”

Buck swallowed, his thoughts completely derailed. “What? You just moved here, why would you be leaving again?”

“The only reason we’re here this year is for my dads work. He has a year long contract, then we’d probably be moving back to Texas, but even then, who knows? No offense, but I have zero urge to stay in this snooty, Ivy-League bullshit state.”

Buck spoke slowly as his brain tried to catch up with what Eddie had said, brow wrinkling in a way that Eddie was definitely going to remember to call cute later on. “So… you’re not planning on staying. And you don’t care if I leave either.”

“No, Jesus. All I want is for you to be happy.”

It probably said a lot about how much that simple statement shocked him, but at this point in his life, he wasn’t sure anything would sit as “normal” for a long time. 

“Oh. Well, then, care to explain how we’ve apparently gone on three dates and you haven’t kissed me yet?”

Eddie lit up like a Christmas tree as he scooted forward on the bench, his eyes bright. “Are you sure you’re okay with it? I didn’t want to scare you off or anything—“

“Eddie, if you don’t kiss me right now, I swear I’ll—“

He didn’t get to finish his threat—which was mildly annoying—but the warm pressure of Eddie’s lips against his own drowned out any other objection he thought he may have.

He was almost late to class, his lips bruised in a way he absolutely loved, and he regretted absolutely nothing.

--

The day before they were due back in school from Winter Break, Buck had been planning on spending the entire day in bed, recuperating from the incessant display of familial togetherness that the holidays usually had brought. Eddie had been his one saving grace—near constant phone calls, texts, and snapchats had been the only thing keeping Buck’s temper low enough to avoid a few new bruises.

And, if the sight of Eddie wearing the simple leather corded necklace that Buck had gotten him for Christmas made his heart beat a little faster whenever he saw it, that was between him and God.

The past three months had been… alarmingly good, if Buck was being honest. If his home life had taught him anything, it was that the other shoe always dropped—so as much as he loved spending time with Eddie, as much as he loved their kisses, and rare dates, and holding hands in the hallway, as much as he honestly, truly thought he could see a life beyond high school with him, he was constantly, constantly waiting for that other shoe to drop. 

Which was why, when Eddie called him at one o’clock on a Sunday, Buck let it ring a few times before he gathered himself to answer the phone.

“Hey, are you busy tonight? I want you to come over and meet everyone.” 

“What do you mean, meet everyone? I’m pretty sure all of your family knows me by now.” That much was definitely true—Buck had been spending more time at Eddies than his own whenever he could help it, and while there was always someone out on an errand or at work or doing something else, he had participated in enough dinners, family calls, and video chats that he knew more of Eddie’s family than he did his own. “What, you have another set of siblings you’re hiding away from me?”

Eddie’s resounding laugh was a little too loud, a little too tense, just enough to spike Buck’s curiosity without making him fear the worst. He agreed easily after that, asking if he needed to bring anything, and made plans for a few hours later.

When he pulled up to Eddie’s house, though, it was almost unrecognizable. There were streamers tossed through the tree in the front yard, balloons tied to nearly every horizontal surface Eddie could see, and there were enough cars parked out front that Buck had to squeeze in behind a truck and a fire hydrant (and hope that he wouldn’t get a ticket). 

As usual, Eddie met him at the door (Buck had teased him once about waiting by the window, and when Eddie blushed and didn’t deny it, Buck had gone in to full hysterical laughter), the obvious nerves he was displaying not enough to dissuade Buck from punching him in the shoulder. “Eddie, what the fuck! Is this a party? You told me not to bring anything, I could have—“

“Oh whatever, I’ll sign your name on my card, calm down.” Eddie said, like he wasn’t the bundle of nerves himself, leaning forward to press a kiss to Buck’s lips (which he accepted, of course, he wasn’t a monster even if he was annoyed). He easily succumbed to the whirlwind of introductions—aunties and uncles and people who were clearly of the Diaz family, and damn, Eddie wasn’t kidding when he told Buck he wanted him to meet everyone. Eddie’s nerves started to hitch back up as they made their way to the backyard, and Buck was about to call him out on whatever it was that was going on when Eddie beat him to the punch.

“Alright, you ready to meet the man of the hour?”

“Only if you’re ready for me to.” Buck said with a hum, smiling as Eddie’s face did some impressive expressive gymnastics. “Eddie, you’re wound like a damn spring. If you don’t want me to meet this person, or any of these people, I don’t want you to feel like you have to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, yeah?” He said, bringing his other hand up to link with Eddie’s as well.

Eddie, to his credit, looked like the weight of the world had been lifted off of his chest, and he beamed as he leaned in to kiss Buck agin. “God, you’re perfect. Have I ever told you that? Well, probably not enough, but it will have to wait, because…” Eddie pushed through the back door and towed Buck along with him, where a circle of chairs were set up around a table stacked high with drinks, snacks, party games, and in the middle of it all— 

“…because here’s the birthday boy!”

—was a high chair, fully equipped with a tray table, a soppy cup, and a baby. 

A baby. 

Buck felt every nerve, every tense minute, every rational thought melt in his body and turn into a warm puddle of goo at the very core of his soul, and his face must have reflected that fact because Buck was vaguely aware of two of Eddie’s sisters laughing at him, but who cared there was a baby and it was the most adorable, pudgy, perfect baby Buck had ever seen. 

The baby quickly let out a high pitched squeal as his attention landed on Eddie, smacking his hands against the table in front of him, and Buck could not be held accountable for the noise that he made when Eddie swooped forward and undid the tray, pulling him out of the high chair easily, tucking him into an arm like he was a seasoned pro.

“Buck, this is Chris.”

And now Eddie was walking toward him with the baby, the baby who’s name was Chris, and Buck only waited for the barest hint of a confirmation from Eddie before he moved closer, cooing toward the excited little bean in Eddie’s arms. 

“Today is Chris’ first birthday.”

Which, that made sense, he was still so small and pudgy but still so energetic, and Buck nodded along with the rapid fire babbling as he squeezed Chris’ little foot playfully, feeling more proud of anything at the peal of laughter Chris let out at that.

“Chris is my son.”

Well, that made sense, Chris had the same complexion as Buck did, and he was just as quick to smile, and even though his hair was lighter in color it was still thick and wavy, and—

Wait. 

His brain caught up with his ears and yanked him out of his baby haze as he looked back up to Eddie, and oh, yeah, there was that nervousness that Buck had felt radiating off of him all afternoon. It seemed to echo around the yard, where there was conversation and laughter just a moment ago, everyone seemed quieter now, hushed, or maybe that was just the rushing in Buck’s ears. Things started fitting into place as Buck thought about it—how he had met all of Eddie’s immediate family, but not at the same time, probably because someone had probably taken Chris out whenever Buck came over. How Eddie so obviously loved his family, but still got a little awkward talking about them at times. Why Eddie had only rarely badgered him about going out after school, because he was spending most of the time himself with his son.

“This is your baby.”

“Yes.”

Oh. 

“You’re his father.”

“Yeah.”

Oh.

“Eddie, he’s beautiful.” 

Eddie sagged like a puppet with its strings cut, the tension bleeding out of his body, and the smile he shot to Buck was more open and honest than he had ever seen before. He could feel a collective sigh breathed around him as the voices picked back up, apparently approving of Buck’s reaction. “He really is, isn’t he? When he was born last year, his mom wanted to give him up, but… I couldn’t even imagine that. My parents stepped up and really helped me out, we took him home, and it was just… perfect. Like it was meant to be.”

Buck looked up with a smile as Eddie spoke, utterly entrapped in how soft he looked as he held his son, his voice low and slow as to not startle the curious kid safe in his arms. “When my dad took a contract up here, I thought it would be the perfect chance to start over, you know? I wouldn’t give Chris up for anything, but I could tell teachers were going easier on me, boosting my grades, and I didn’t know if it was pity or… whatever. This was the chance for me to prove I could do it. You, uh, you’re the only one outside of my family who even knows.” Eddie said, and Buck had to physically bite his tongue to prevent himself from gushing.

“He’s perfect, Eds. You’re perfect. I’m… I’m really honored you told me.” Buck said easily, leaning forward for another kiss, mindful of the giggling body between them. “But if you think I’m going to let you forget that you told me not to bring anything to your baby sons first birthday, you have another thing coming, I can’t believe you didn’t let me get a gift or something—no, seriously!“

Eddie let out a groan as he leaned forward into Buck’s bickering, the sudden lull in the party long since forgotten as the night carried on.

--

The other shoe always dropped, though, and Buck 100% blamed himself for not seeing it coming. Hell, he 100% blamed himself for letting it happen. He had become complacent, he had let his guard down, Eddie had wormed his way into Buck’s heart and showed him how good things could be, and Buck had dared to believe him. 

Buck had had hope, as stupid as it was, and now, here he was, standing at Eddie’s door, knocking at the wooden frame, begging, pleading for him to open the door—he didn’t realize how much he loved Eddie always meeting him at the threshold until it didn’t happen, until he wasn’t sure if Eddie was going to open the door at all, until he didn’t know what else he could do.

As it was, Eddie wasn’t the one who opened the door. It was Helena, who he had just spent the day with, and the sound she had made when Buck came into view was unholy. 

The day had started off so well, too—Eddie and Buck had both been accepted to Texas A&M (while Buck’s pre-acceptance letter had come almost a month ago, he still waited until Eddie received his to even open the envelope), and Eddie’s parents had been so thrilled with him—with both of them—that they had insisted on treating everyone to breakfast before cheering Eddie on at what was likely the last wrestling match of the season (because as great as Eddie was, the team as a whole sucked). 

Helena had forced him into a “Team Diaz” shirt, and Buck looked at himself probably a little too long in the mirror, tracing the name over his chest—if anyone noticed, no one said anything, though the smile on Helena’s face told Buck all he needed to know. Eddie, on the other hand, had absolutely lit up when he saw them all in the stands, his gaze lingering a little too long on the word Diaz splayed across Buck’s chest, and the look he gave Buck when they locked eyes again was nothing short of sinful (Buck was glad that he had been put on Chris duty—holding a baby was probably the only way he was able to distract himself from the sight of Eddie in spandex).

So, it didn’t come to a huge surprise when Helena opened the door and let out a sound that would have pushed him over the edge, had Buck not already been crying. 

Well… halfway crying. He was only really tearing up in one eye, the other was too swollen to do anything more than squint. 

His front was covered in blood, the “Team Diaz” stained red, his lip split and swollen and his cheek covered in bruises. It was probably for the best that his left eye was swollen shut, because blood was leaking around it from a split in his eyebrow, so he probably wouldn’t have been able to see anyway. Beyond the lip and the eye, though, the biggest concern was his nose—he didn’t think it was broken, but it was still sluggishly bleeding, and it just wouldn’t stop. 

Helena pulled him into the house and immediately started barking orders (“Adriana, bring Christopher to the nursery and put him in his playpen. Sophia, tell Edmundo to get home right now, his Buck has been hurt. Ramon, give me the first aid kit.”), steering Buck easily to the back yard as the rest of the family scurried around.

By the time Eddie got home, Buck had been mostly cleaned up—or, at least, his nose had stopped bleeding long enough to mop up most of the blood on his face, and Helena had taped the gash on his brow closed with butterfly bandages, and had a cold compress pressed against his face. Eddie looked wild, his eyes wide and face unforgiving as he kneeled next to Buck, and if Buck had any tears left in his body he probably would have started crying again as Eddie cupped the uninjured side of his face. 

Buck knew that Eddie was trying to find words, but he also knew there were a hundred wrong things to say at that moment, so he took the step for both of them.

“My dad found out about us.” There was no sense in sugar coating it, no sense in leaving the bandaid on too long, he just had to rip it off so they could move on. “Apparently he didn’t much like the idea of his son not carrying on the family name, he… didn’t take it well.” 

Eddie let out a sound that could only be described as someone breaking, and Buck blindly reached for his hand, feeling something burn through his chest, deciding then and there that he wouldn’t let another ounce of his father hurt Eddie the way it had hurt him. “But you were right. One block, one hit, all I needed to get away.” His tone had soured into something dark and sticky, good eye burning as he remembered Eddie’s little self defense lesson, all those months ago. He could tell the moment that Eddie’s mind reached the same conclusion, and he scrambled to look at Buck’s hands—there were some bruising around his right knuckles, but that was it. 

One punch, that was all he needed. 

One punch, and just like that, he had left everything behind—his phone, his car, his father bleeding from what Buck could only hope was a broken nose, coughing and sputtering on the entryway floor. The only thing he had on him was his wallet and his hoodie, and even the latter was tossed into the trashcan as he got off the train, too thoroughly wet with blood to be of any good at keeping him warm.

Instinctively, he had gotten off the train and trusted his feet to take him somewhere he knew he would be safe. He had finally realized that that place would never be with his family, would never be his house. His house would never be his home.

“Eddie…” Buck started, his voice thick with emotion. “Eddie, I… I don’t want to go back. I never want to see them, ever again. I’ll call up Maddie, I’ll… I’ll do something, but I can’t go back there, ever.”

Eddie looked like his heart was breaking; but before he could open his mouth and tell Buck off for considering going anywhere else, Helena spoke again.

“You will do no such thing.”

Her voice soft but hard as steel, leaving no room for argument, and Buck looked at her with pleading eyes (well, eye) as she shook her head. 

“You will not be going back there. I have half a mind to drive over there right now and—no. I will do everything I can to make sure you never have to see them again.”

Buck could feel himself sag in relief, a breath he didn’t know he had been holding coming out ragged and raw, even as Helena continued.

“And Buck, I don’t know Maddie, and I’m sure she would be happy to help you out however she could, but. I would never let another Diaz out onto the street. Never in my life.” She said, and Buck had to swallow when he realized who she was talking about. 

They considered him a Diaz?

“So if you would really be happier, or safer, we can get in the car and I’ll bring you to your sister tonight, but it’s just a few months until you and Edmundo leave for college anyway, and—“

“Please stay. Please. God, Buck, please, at least stay with us until you heal up a little. Please.” Eddie had apparently had enough of his mothers talking in circles, his voice shaking as he spoke, and Buck’s shock must have shown on his face because Eddie looked like he was going to start crying again.

They really considered him a Diaz.

He wanted to question it, to object, to do anything to prevent himself from being in their hair, but just like it was the first time they had lunch together, Eddie had worked his way too far past Buck’s defenses, and apparently, he had brought his whole family with him.

Buck barely had to nod before Eddie had him wrapped up in his arms, tight, and Buck returned the favor easily, seamlessly, his head buried in Eddie’s neck like he belonged there. 

The thought resonated as Helena went back inside, letting the two of them have their moment; though, just a moment, announcing that it would be a lovely night to have dinner outside on the patio. It bounced around his head as Eddie kissed his cheek when they passed each other with plates and glasses, setting the table beneath the string lights in the yard, the spot on his cheek tingling long after the contact had broken. It took root when Buck found himself laughing, sitting easier in his own skin than he had ever done before as Eddie tried to justify whatever foolish thing he had done in Ramon’s story, failing miserably, his hand laced tightly with Buck’s beneath the table.

Maybe this was where he belonged.

For the first time in years, Buck saw something that was worth holding on for, that was worth keeping and protecting and letting grow.

For the first time, he had hope.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #315

“can’t breathe to scream  /  suffocating in this dream  /  long way down”

Who was your first big crush? I would probably say this guy in high school named Sebastian. We sat beside each other in Art, and I definitely liked him a lot. Man, my freshman-sophomore years honestly involved a handful of crushes before Jason popped into the picture and I lost all romantic interest in everyone else. Where was the first place you drove after you got your license? N/A Is it a blue sky outside right now? No. All North Carolina has known for weeks on end now is rain. We've had very rare sunny days, but for the most part, it's just gray and gross. Was your last breakup a bad one? Nah, I'd say it ended maturely and with a mutual understanding of "why." When was the last time you were surprised, in a pleasant way? Hell if I know. Is there an ice-cream flavor that you strongly dislike? Which one? Yeah, like strawberry. What was the last sitcom you watched? No clue. ^ Do you have a favorite character in that sitcom? Why is that character your favorite? N/A What does the last group you joined on Facebook concern? I am 90% sure it was this group I joined that is literally just about cute yet dangerous animals lmao, mostly reptiles and invertebrates. "Misunderstood biteybois and where to befriemd them" or some stupid shit like that. Has there been a spider in your house at any time recently? Not that I've seen, no. Do you like wearing make-up? Not at all. I only like wearing it for pictures and then taking that shit off. ^ If so, how old were you when you first started to wear it? I started consistently wearing it my freshman year of high school. Then some time later I just showed up one day without any, shocked all my friends, and then only wore it when I felt like it. What foods are you craving lately, if any? Nothing, really. What were some of your favorite foods as a child? Chicken nuggets of course, as well as spaghetti, peanut butter sandwiches, just the typical stuff that kids tend to enjoy. When you were younger, did you ever have a friend that your parents hated? No. Have you ever talked in your sleep before? That's very normal for me, especially now that I have nightmares like every goddamn night. What was the last song you heard, that reminded you of someone? Well, not a real someone, but "The Ordinary World" by the Hit House is 110% one of Fetch's soon-to-be themes. What has brought you joy today? Nothing brought me "joy," really. When was the last time you won a prize in a raffle? What was it? I actually recently won an art rafle on deviantART hosted by a truly amazing artist, like I thought I had no chance, and she's going to be drawing Moondust!!!! :'''') What is the next non-essential item that you intend to buy for yourself? I'm still paying the bulk of my tattoo in May. Is there anywhere in your town/city that's rumored to be haunted? Oh, I'm sure. When you were younger, did you ever think that a certain place was haunted? Bitch I still do lmao. What were your school meals like? Did you enjoy them? This really depended on the menu for the day. My school lunches were nowhere near as bad as some people make theirs sound, but most things still weren't great. I think school pizzas are the most notoriously bad. What kind of granola bar did you eat most recently? I had a cashew bar earlier today. Do you have any books on your shelf that you've read multiple times? I never reread books. What did your last post on social media concern? That I personally wrote, something regarding subtle racism still being racism, pretty much. How do you feel about people using graphic images as a scare tactic to promote their beliefs? (i.e.: PETA, abortion…) I have mixed feelings on this. Like sometimes seeing the brutal side of certain things is definitely useful in opening someone's mind to things they don't want to see/think about, but then there's that, too: it can just be so invasive and unexpected, and thus very upsetting and even scarring. I'd say I'm most for the "appropriate" social media route: using censorship that the viewer can decide whether or not to remove. But you obviously can't do that in like, a public protest with a sign, so idk. Which is harder for you: writing creatively or academically? Honestly, both are pretty easy for me. I enjoy writing creatively far more, though. Do you think gender neutral bathrooms are a good idea? I think it's fine to have them as an option. When was the last time you voluntarily went outside of your comfort zone? Just talking about stuff in group therapy recently. Would you ever use a dating site that costs money, like Match.com or eHarmony? Have you known anyone who had good experience with such sites? No, and yes. Do you think it’s fair that people are able to make a reasonable salary and live comfortable lives just by making YouTube videos? Yes? It takes charisma and talent in some area (humor, education, etc.) as well as consistency for it to be a reliable career, and just consider how often you hear about creators burning out. That happens for a reason. Entertainment is a valid job category and should not be seen as an unfair joke. Whether you’re in college or not, do you become fearful about whether or not you’ll find a good job? Story of my life. What is something you can only understand if you've experienced it first hand? Deep heartbreak. Do you think it's a double standard that a woman can hit a man and expect to get away with it, but if a man hits a woman it's assault? Obviously. Abuse knows no gender, and hitting another person is just that. I do, however, believe in self-defense, also regardless of gender. In terms of a wedding, put these things in order from what would be MOST important to be perfect, to LEAST important... Engagement ring, dress, hair, venue, ceremony, food, pictures, decorations, honeymoon. This requires too much thinking, haha... but I do know the quality of my honeymoon would be most important to me, given that that's personal time with my new spouse and not a public celebration. I feel like what goes on behind closed doors is more important and heartfelt than how you act publicly. Do you have a go-to small talk conversation topic? Probably video games or music, idk. Define "small talk." Does anyone owe you money? Do you owe anyone money? (Besides credit cards) Mom does. She just a few days ago had to borrow $100 for rent. If someone was going to buy you any practical gift (anything except a house or car), what would you choose? It'd be dope as fuck if someone could pay for Venus' next terrarium, but that's a big purchase that I'd have a hard time accepting. How many people do you know with the same first name as you? At least one, but her name is spelled differently. What in your opinion is the best love song ever written? I'm not sure, but I can tell you that "When It's Love" by Van Halen has always been high on the list for me. Was your mother married when she had you? No, actually. I thought she was until my most recent bday, I think. It was just part of a conversation. How old was the first person you kissed? He was a few months into 18. The first person you were in a relationship with, do you still care about them? Of course, he's a sweet guy. We don't talk or anything, but that doesn't mean I don't care about him. Has anyone ever sang to you? Yes. So, what if you married the last person you kissed? That'd be pretty rad. What are you listening to at the moment? "Long Way Down" from the The Evil Within soundtrack. It's funny, like I've loved the game for many years, but I'm now in a serious semi-obsession phase after watching another let's play of it. Have you read the The Hunger Games trilogy? I only read the first book. I loved it, but just never continued. What is your boss’ (or school prinicpal’s) name? N/A Who is the person you dislike the most? That I personally know, probably a former best friend, oddly enough. Do you text your parents often? If Mom's not home, it's not unusual for us to text. I don't text my dad much because he's not a fan of texting. Do you watch YouTube videos often? Pretty much always. Do you know anyone with celiac disease? Sara, my aunt, and my cousin. Those are the ones I know of, anyway. Do you currently have any alarms set? No. How many cars can fit in your driveway? Barely even two. If someone else is here, they usually just park where the road meets the sidewalk of the cul-de-sac. Do you have the ashes of a family member or a pet? Of my dog Teddy, yes. Have you ever been involved in a car crash? Yes, as a kid. Do you prefer flash or no flash on a camera? Definitely no flash. It's more natural, and especially with people, it obviously prevents red eye. How often do you use hashtags? Just about never. Have you ever had whiplash before? No. Have you ever given another person or an animal a bath before? Pets, yes. I could never bathe another human. Is there a birdbath in your yard? No. Weirdest place you’ve ever had a cramp? Nowhere weird, I think... How many lamps are in the room you’re in? How many are actually turned on? Technically three, if you count my snake's heat lamp. Right now that's the only light that's on. Are there any activities you enjoy doing, but can only do for a short amount of time before you get bored or tired of them? Yeah, reading comes to mind first. Is there anything coming out soon (books, albums, movies, video games) that you're looking forward to? I'm not up-to-date on this stuff at all, not even video games. What is something someone recommended to you that you disliked/hated? I know Girt's recommended me music I haven't been a fan of. We like the same general stuff, but there are specific sub-genres we differ in opinion about. Can you unwrap a Starburst in your mouth? ... There are people who do this to even know in the first place??? What is the last thing you ate? Popcorn. Who is your favorite person to spend time with? Sara. Do you know how to grill a steak? I don't know how to cook, period. Do you have a large dog? We don't have a dog currently, but Mom is looking for one pretty intently. We don't know the size it'll end up being. Do you like walking places? Absolutely not. I can't walk far at all without my legs starting to scream at me because leading such a sedentary lifestyle led to muscle atrophy in my legs. It's incredibly embarrassing. Are you a fan of bands most people don’t know of? That's not uncommon for me. Have you ever sent an X-Rated picture to someone? No. Do you think your voice is higher or lower than average? It's deeper than the average woman's. Do you have a pool? No, but I really, really want one... Given how easily I sweat, I would love to use swimming to strengthen my legs. I could also stop the very moment I feel I need to; it in general sounds like something I could quite easily do. How many times have you been on a plane? Ummm including the trips going back, at least six times. Favorite ice cream flavor? Oh my gooooood, if you haven't tried Ben & Jerry's "phish food"... fucking try that shit. It is innnnnncredible. Do you have a TikTok? Nope. Do you enjoy driving? Fuck no I don't. Your favorite store as a teen? Hot Topic was and still is my fave, ha. Favorite YouTuber? There's this one called Markiplier that I think's pretty cool. How many online accounts do you have? A LOT. My whole life is essentially on the computer, so... .-. Do you tend to always be in some sort of drama? Quite the opposite. Do you collect quarters from every state? No. When was the last time your living room furniture was rearranged? Not since we moved into this place. When you were little did you like watching Cartoon Network, Disney or Nickelodeon more? Disney probably topped Nickelodeon. I didn't watch much CN. Who was the last person to kiss you on the cheek? Either my niece or nephew when saying bye. Have you ever seen a magic show? Yes, as a kid. I even had a magician for my bday once. When was the last time you vomited and why? It's been a year or so. It would've been a side effect of starting a certain med that I didn't stay on because it so consistently made me sick. Where do you usually sit when you eat dinner? Either in my bed (I know) or at the dinner table if Nicole is here to eat with us. What time do you usually go to sleep at night? It's typically around 7:30-8:30, occasionally a bit later. I can't believe as a teen, it was my "rule" that I couldn't go to sleep before 10:30 because it was "too early." Nowadays, I can barely imagine regularly staying up that late. Do you avoid using public restrooms? As best as I can. I've seen some nasty shit. What’s your favorite type of cookie? Chocolate chip. How basic.

[yanjuniverse]

RANKING MY TOP 5 FICS

hello everyone. let me just take a moment to introduce myself. my name is Megan and two years ago, I started this blog originally under the user name @/syzygy-yoongi to post one shots about the boys from IQIYI’s Idol Producer. since that time, i have gain a mass following (2,000+ today) that i am forever grateful for. i have also made many friends that i love dearly and am so blessed to have in my life.

when i began this blog, i didn’t expect so many people to pay attention or to read my stories. if you remember, i was pumping out chapters two or three times a day, finishing series within a week or two because i loved writing that much.

today, i’m going to rank my top five completed series that i have written. feel free to reblog with your own opinions/rankings as well or leave me an ask with your opinions about my stories! (i’m very bored).

Now let’s get this show on the road!

SPOILERS BELOW! vvv

1. Girls Like You (Cai Xukun)

Summary: IP High School is one of the most prestigious boarding schools in China for the fine arts. Owned by the Huang family, the school only accepts the best of the best. Many of China’s biggest stars came from this school and many of their students already have offers upon their graduation.

This year will be Cai Xukun’s fourth year at the school and fourth year witnessing the favoritism of his classmate, Zhu Zhengting (who’s parents are world class dancers) as well as the favoritism from students Fan Chengcheng (little brother of China’s most famous actress) and headmasters’ son, Huang Justin. The three of them are known to run the school. They get away with being late to classes, missing classes completely, missing assignments, talking back and Xukun swears he’s never seen them in full uniform. Safe to say that he kind of despises them and their “holier-than-thou” mindsets.

So when Justin’s sister joins them for her senior year, he could only roll his eyes at the news. While all of Xukun’s friends seem to fall for her, he can’t see the magic of it all.

“Girls like you? Girls like you are the kind that I can’t stand! You think just because you’re rich and pretty that we all have to fall for you? Well news flash, it’s not going to work on me. Now stay out of my way!”

MY OPINION: I really hold this fic near and dear to my heart because of the amount of work I put into the relationship between YN and Justin, YN and Zhengting and YN and Xukun. These were the three main relationships throughout the story that I feel really made readers pick sides. In all honesty, I was very nervous the first half the the story because everyone was on Zhengting’s side. This story was one of my most popular series and I was very pleased with the outcome, though I do have some regrets.

LOVED MOST: The relationship between YN and Justin. Justin’s character was the most difficult character I have ever portrayed. The early stages of developing his character actually spurred from Charlie from the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower. As for YN’s character, I grew up in a household where my parents were always at work and so I had to raise my younger siblings (obviously not to the extent of YN’s and my parents are kind people). Her motherly tendencies came a lot from the things I had personally done growing up (making meals, putting together backpacks, so on and so forth). I think of all the relationships I’ve ever written, YN’s and Justin’s “Huang or Die” relationship is always going to be my favorite.

BIGGEST REGRET: The ending. Looking back on it now, I honestly think the story should have gone another way. Of course YN runs from Zhengting but I personally think that the ending was way too rushed. It was something I put together in the matter of hours just because I wanted to get the story over with. I think now, I would have let YN have more time to be herself and to be a kid in Korea rather than carrying on being a mother. I also would have liked it if she had ended up with Chengcheng, the only boy in this entire story besides Zhengting, who had been there from start to finish . I would have also liked to have seen the more interaction with her and Yanjun and Ziyi, considering they, along with Bingbing were the main hands that took part in her escape.

2. SUBSCRIBE! (Xiao Gui)

Summary: Wang Linkai just posted videos of himself playing videos for fun. He never in a million years expected to build the type of following he did.

or

Zhu YN started off just posting little home videos for her and her friends. She never in a million years expected to build the type of following she did.

or

The one where you and Xiao Gui have no idea who the other is until one day, your brother sends you the link to a video called “REACTING TO TEXTS FROM AN ANGEL I MET TODAY!”

MY OPINION: Though Xiao Gui continues to be my bias up until today, the fic that I wrote for him is second place. I had a lot of fun writing it but with a more regrets than I did with Girls Like You. (Also let’s all remember when I wrote that he was a matcha frappe guy and then days later, he was papped with that exact drink).

LOVED MOST: Xiao Gui’s character development is something I’m always going to take pride in. I think out of all of my stories, his character was one of the most carefully planned. There were little details (such as when Gui goes from stealing Ziyi’s car keys to asking for them in the end) that really showed how much he grew. I’m also glad he didn’t just give up his dream for love and how he wanted YN to be free while he was away. I feel like had he been the same person from the beginning, he either would’ve given up his music career or made YN wait for him. I really loved to see how much he grew during this story.

BIGGEST REGRET: How YN knew Xiao Gui’s mother 🤦🏻‍♀️. That was such a plot twist ending that didn’t even make sense. I wish I had found a different way for YN to have gotten Gui to be with his mother other than “oh she sells me fruit”.

3. Smile for the Camera (Zhu Zhengting)

Summary: Nine Percent Photography is a small company with big names. Owned by Y/N, it features the faces of Cai Xukun, Chen Linong, Fan Chengcheng, Huang Justin, Lin Yanjun, Wang Ziyi and You Zhangjing.

Nine Percent Photography is best known for their creativity and ability to push their models into various aesthetics. They are one of the richest companies in Asia with every model raking in an estimated 2.3 million dollars every month. It is every model’s dream to be apart of this world class company.

Zhu Zhengting is an aspiring model. Up until this point, he has only scored small gigs. That is, until one phone call changed his entire life.

Zhengting finally has the chance to follow his dreams. He’s not going to let anything get in his way. Right?

MY OPINION: This story was the first story of mine that really blew up. It’s my pride and joy and where my following really started to build.

LOVED MOST: I loved the harmony between the company. It was like they were all destined to be together. I also liked how they were so honest with each other towards the end. I loved how they all had to fall apart to come back together. I also really appreciated Yanjun’s friendship with YN and how much YN loved her company.

BIGGEST REGRET: I should have made the the story longer so that YN and Zhengting could have had more time to fall in love with each other. I reread it a couple of weeks ago and honestly, the way the fell was so awkward and rushed. Had I gone back to write it, I would have focused more on their love story. I also wished I would have gone and written more about their modeling and/or their work since they were a modeling company. I also wished I had gone deeper into YN and Zeren’s backstory.

4. Oblivious (Wang Ziyi)

Wang Ziyi has never been the type to confront his feelings head on. He’s always swallowed the butterflies, tied his shoe laces and held on to the safety handle to make sure he never let him fall for anyone. He likes to say it’s because he doesn’t want to get his heart broken but his friends say that maybe he’s just saving those feelings for you.

or

the one where people aren’t sure whether you two really hate each other or really like each other.

MY OPINION: This was one of my more humorous stories. I’m usually an angst writer so getting to write Ziyi and YN in such a playful manner was like a breath of fresh air. This is also the story that came after I took my first hiatus (which was supposed to be like a week but ended up being like a day lol). I remember the stress of wanting to write something angsty for Ziyi and not having the storyline so instead, I decided to write a funnier story for him. Though, not as popular as Girls Like You, Subscribe! or Smile for the Camera, it still ranks high for me.

LOVED MOST: I LOVED HOW FUNNY ZIYI AND YN’S CHARACTERS WERE — actually all of them! One of my favorite parts of the story is always going to be the line where Linong says he has “bible study in an hour” and Yanjun replies “PLEASE STOP CALLING YOUR THEOLOGY (the study of the nature of God and religious beliefs) CLASS BIBLE STUDY!” All of the characters played a big part in the story unlike in the others where characters like Zhangjing and Linong are more of the background extras.

BIGGEST REGRET: THE WHOLE ENDING! I remember a lot of people were upset with YN and her plans and I agree because what she did was a bit uncalled for. But I remember just wanting it to end so I let it end the way it did. Had I gone back and rewritten it, I probably would have let Xingjie and YN play out for a bit before the two realized they were better off as friends. Sort of along the lines of Lara Jean and John Ambrose.

5. Trust Me - Lin Yanjun

Summary: Summary: Ever since you were a freshman in high school, Wang Ziyi has always felt the need to protect you. Now you’re a freshman in college and nothing has changed. When he hears that the labeled player, Lin Yanjun, is trying to make his way into your life, Ziyi finds it harder to keep his secret under wraps - especially when you make friends with You Zhangjing, Lin Yanjun’s best friend.

MY OPINION: Ah yes. I feel like this is a forgotten story of mine. It was one of my first ever series. I think I was still @/syzygy-yoongi at the time that I wrote this. I still get nostalgic when I see people finding it now. This is actually the story that got me into writing series (I had never written one before Trust Me) when a follower suggested the idea to me.

LOVED MOST: I really loved the plot twist at the end. I think of all of my stories, this was the only one that I really planned out and stuck to it. I didn’t overthink Trust Me because at the time, I did get have many followers and I didn’t have anyone to disappoint.

BIGGEST REGRET: I think the reason why I ranked Trust Me so lowly is because of the lack of quality it had. It was the earliest development of what yanjuniverse is today. This is the story that made me realize that I really had a knack for angst. I have the fondest memories of Trust Me and I’m so happy I wrote it.

Conclusion: This was my top five rankings for my completed series. Of course it doesn’t go into my incompleted series (I Bet would’ve knocked Trust Me right off of this list). This was a complete waste of time but just something I wanted to do because I had just spent the past couple of weeks rereading my fics. Hope you all enjoyed and if you made it this far, thank you so much. I’m so grateful for this blog. It really made me who I am today. I’m so grateful for the memories and how much I grew from these stories!

[baconpal]

talkin bout fire force

shit boys it’s been too long time for another unprompted juvenile rant about manga, click keep reading if you’re insane and keep scrolling if you aren’t 

So Fire Force anime starts in just about a week and I decided to just read it all instead of waiting for any anime. It took a while to read all of it and now I just kind of have a lot to say about the manga, the anime, and the author. So here we go. 

I actually have a lot of good things to talk about, but I’ll get the bad shit out of the way first:

THE WRITING

idk his name it doesn’t really matter since he’s made like 2 things he’s just the soul eater guy; his art style has always been charming and the action scenes keep improving but his actual narrative writing is real bad. I’ll talk about the characters themselves since I actually think FF’s characters are a ridiculous improvement from soul eater, and the setting/aesthetic are on point as well but the plot is just as bad if not worse than whatever soul eater was.

The story is riddled with what should obviously be throwaway characters that keep being brought back and doing something evil and unexpected because it’s a shounen manga and if you aren’t being betrayed then the plot isn’t moving forward, or someone introduced as an obviously villainous character just kind of agrees to be friends in a couple chapters. This is used as a constant cycle of introducing both a set of “evil” and “good” characters, then one of the old “good” sets of characters does something evil and the newest “evil” guys turn out to be good. It’s not interesting or shocking to have a character you can’t even remember come back and act like they’re important, especially if it’s repeated over and over.

FF pretends to have some kind of politic overtones where religions and businesses and such act as their own entities and betray each other and prey on the civilians, but you see absolutely none of the impact anybody’s actions have on the world despite ridiculous things constantly happening and world shaking truths being brought to light over and over, nothing happens. Villains will also  have ridiculous unbeatable abilities but then just be ignored, such as making zombie apocalypses or controlling minds and such. This is also likely a concession of being a shounen manga, where you can’t expect readers to read every single chapter, and usually on a week to week basis, so every chapter needs to have its own big shit happening, even if there’s no plans to follow through on anything. 

The worst part about the writing is how much stuff that the reader didn’t know about and has no idea what it is is passed of as some shocking twist when it’s introduced. This mostly happens with powers and with new factions. There’s a ridiculous amount of times where a new group steps in as the bad guy like mentioned earlier. But for the powers, there’s so many things layered on top of an actually acceptable power system that just seem to cause a DBZ type of escalation of power without the fight scenes actually becoming that much crazier at all. On top of the simple 2nd/3rd generation fire fighter powers, the main character is meant to utilize the adolla burst, the adolla link, the preacher’s divine protection, the okay hand emoji that makes you go fast, the breath of life, and superfire fighting. None of that means anything to anyone and are just used as “MC needs to be better at something but only temporarily” over and over. It’s similar to Maka and Soul’s deals with the devil in soul eater except much more common and with absolutely no downsides.

Also not the fault of the writer himself but there is not ANY good translation of this manga out there holy shit. There’s so many incredibly obvious puns and connections and choices of words to be made that are just entirely ignored, the typesetting is always awful, and no name for moves, characters, or even the title are ever agreed upon. It took until the official release titled “Fire Force” before people stopped trying to call the manga “Burning Firefighter Squad of Fire”.

THE ANIME

Just a bit more bad to say before I go into all the shit about this manga i actually like. The anime looks awful. A lot of anime does right now, very little of note has been coming out or seems to be coming in the future, which is usually the case but its not getting better and that sucks! 

But specifically the fire force anime, following up after soul eater, has absolutely none of the visual charm translated from the manga to anime, the voice casting is absolutely abysmal, and there’s nothing to give me hope in it, not enough to even give it an episode most likely. People might try to defend David productions because woah man I love jojo!!! but they’re pretty fucking bad at animating anything. The choice of color is gross and the visual effects are bland, which is a bad place to start for a show that will contain tons of fire and other bombastic effects. Big shame.

OKAY ONTO THAT GOOD SHIT

CHARACTER DESIGN

The visual designs in soul eater were cool if a bit janky, and the actual concepts for characters were far from astounding, usually being able to fully describe characters in single words and not having much development outside of combat abilities. But Fire Force has some of the most tight characters I’ve seen in a while, they’re all simple and focused with strong thematic elements.

Ya’ll know me, hopefully. I really appreciate simple designs and simple characters. Complicated does not equal deep, and simple does not equal shallow. The characters in fire force will usually embody a concept, or a concept and its exact opposite, and be never waver from their design. I’ll talk about em for specific characters when I get to em but even lots of minor characters are very well focused and I appreciate it.

SHINRA

The main character, and while his grocery list of special abilities and “chosen one” kinda shit is annoying, he starts of as a very strong introspective of the weight of your actions vs the impression you give of in the eyes of society. The easiest way to describe it is through the very obvious identity struggle he goes through of wanting to be known as a “Hero” but instead being “The Devil”. All Shinra ever does is selflessly save peoples lives and put himself at extreme risk, he tells everyone and their grandma that they can call on him when they need a hero, and yet his visuals consist of a dark haired punk who constantly smiles a sharp toothy smile, his ability that he uses to fly in and do kamen rider kicks with spews fire from his feet in the shape of pointy wings, and this fire puts a heavy shadow over his face, giving him a monsterous siloutte. It’s not at all subtle that he just looks as evil and menacing as possible, and so his reputation is constantly negative no matter how kind he is. It’s not explored all that deeply but it is still a strong contrast.

ARTHUR

What a fucking idiot. What an absolute buffoon. This stupid fuck functions as a very simple gag character by being nearly too dumb to function and living in a made up reality as a fantasy knight, but is also able to exist as one of the strongest characters in combat. His ridiculous power is handled in a much more engaging way than Shinra’s. As instead of layering multiple chosen one abilities on him, he becomes weaker or stronger depending on his suspension of disbelief. The more in character as a powerful knight he becomes, the stronger he is. It’s a clean way to make a funny delusional characters struggle actually mean something to the people around them, instead of being left to his own devices or constantly told to fuck off. And while I said the plot isn’t very good, the smaller character beats can be very powerful. For example, It was already pretty easy to just accept Arthur as he was, but his family situation is explored late into the manga, and it’s shown that he began to live in fantasy to escape from his families arguments and poor living conditions. His parents take advantage of his disconnect and abandon their home with him in it, leaving all their responsibilities to him with a note saying he’s now the king and has inherited their castle. This pushes him to an even more absurd degree of fantasy in order to just live out his life knowing he was unloved and unwanted. It very understated how you can make a character that’s mostly used for jokes still be very easy to connect to and empathize. 

TAMAKI 

This one is likely to be the hottest take made from me here today, but this is the most interesting character in this series for a variety of reasons. 

Visuals out of the way, the fire fighter outfits everyone wears already look cool as shit and big puffy coats just get me goin, this girl absolutely rocks it on top of having twintails and a cute face. That’s not objective in anyway this is just a character designed to bait specifically me and its fucking working, okay? The writing is the actually interesting part.

So something that’s usually not even worth talking about is fan service. Show of a girls titties cus its what dudes in their teens want to see, its free (You)s for shounen manga, and soul eater was full of it. It was pretty bad in soul eater and could come at jarring and unneeded times for characters that didn’t seem to exist for any sexual reasons. It was a very poor way to include fan service. 

Fire Force also begins in a similar spot, the 3 main girls that are around in the beginning chapters are occasionally seen changing or in a bath or covered in water or whatever, with one particularly bad spread of them with the classic no nipple no vagina bodies all standing together in a shower. Its awkward and stiff and even as a fan of anime tiddie it just wasn’t worth having. 

But then that wildman just does it. He creates one single character to put literally every single ounce of horny energy in to. A character who exists to fall over and get her tits pushed into someones face, but pushed to a cartoonish extreme. It sounds silly to try to pass off fanservice as funny, but it is. It’s so ridiculously intended and impossible and always varied that its actually fun to see her do something stupid and for something to happen. Sometimes its just her ass landing on a dudes face (god i wish that were me) or her body being exposed and drawn in pretty high detail. Sometimes instead they get an entire dude stuck in her shirt after just tripping in a way that is not not being sexual to the reader at all since you see absolutely no skin. She’s simply destined to be put into lewd situations in universe, not in regards to the manga itself. For an example, here she is just standing completely still, and suddenly becoming naked, drawn in a distant, goofy way: 

It’s stupid. It’s definitely still fan service, but it’s just ridiculous. And that’s way more interesting than having every girl in your series randomly get naked at some point. Despite being insane it still works on boys, as Tamaki is the most popular girl in the series by far, ranked as the second most popular character consistently. 

Tamaki also leads to the single best chapter of the manga where a horribly designed throw-away assassin who was beaten by her returns for revenge, but just ends up as a short, self contained, well paced comedic story of love. 

And guess what, she’s still interesting outside of being funny and having fan service. Her cartoonish luck is essentially treated as her actual power, and her fire cat abilities aren’t explored too deeply during most of the series, but this is done for a greater purpose of essentially spitting in the face of high stakes. Tamaki easily witnesses the most deaths in the series, and most of them are cruel and unusual. She witnesses children being killed by a man who inspired her, she sees people she just met be beheaded in some gruesome shots that aren’t anywhere else in the series, and she gets involved in all sorts of life threatening situations. She still just falls over and gets naked. She’ll have fairly serious fights where she tries her hardest or the people around her are completely serious, and without bringing any direct attention to it she still ends up showing skin. There’s a point where every single character is at risk of dying at once to a trap set by the enemy, and Tamaki quietly laments over how she’ll be the only one to survive. She is completely aware of her ridiculous luck and her complete immunity to stakes, which is honestly just great.

Even beyond that, Tamaki is slowly being built up as more and more of an actual character, she has a short backstory section where her own hard work and effort is basically ignored by everyone around her, as if her success in life is only a result of her good luck, which is a feeling that hits very close to home to me (fuck you if you’ve ever discredited someones hard work because they’re “””””talented””””). And in the most recent couple of chapters, shes made an active effort to train alongside Shinra and Arthur, who both value the improvements they can make to themselves through hard work. No other characters in the cast make conscious efforts to improve from their status in the way Tamaki does. She moves up from a joke character to now trying to stand along side the main character as a useful and though out character. It’s a genuinely wonderful character to have been developed and the best thing I’ve gotten from this author.

VISUALS AND COMPOSITION

Okay enough about the characters, the last little thing I wanna touch on is just some of the absolutely bonkers kinds of compositions in this manga. One of the villains has an ability that is explained incredibly poorly. Pretty sure it’s just a time slowing ability that has nothing to do with fire but whatever. The pages where he uses the ability have this absolutely sick warped look to them that plays with the panels in a way that couldn’t be depicted in any other medium. Just look at this shit.

Every panel has a different background and yet still describes a single cut in time. It might not really mean anything, but that’s fucking sick dude.

Another pretty interesting one is this one kid named Nataku, who has an ability forced onto him by a maniac with a motif of stars for eyes, who dies immediately after. This event is shown to have absolutely traumatized him not because its directly said, but because this dead character appears constantly in panels with this kid, sometimes taking up the entire background to yell at him, or being an almost impossible to see spec lingering behind him. Nataku is also drawn in this strange sketchy style where he seems to be melting, and sometimes melds into shapes that resemble this dead character, such Nataku’s mouth becoming the fucking eyeball of the dead guy, star pupil and everything. It’s just such a specific and horrific way to depict that kind of identity trauma and it really stuck out to me.

I’LL SHUT UP NOW

And ye that’s about it. It was a lot of rambling and there are still lots of little things i like about the manga, good designs and cool fights and stuff but i just wanted to talk about the things that were really noteworthy to me. 

It’s been a long time since I’ve spent 4 hours just typing about stuff but if you actually read any of this, on this dead website of all places, you’re cool. Hope you found something interesting too.

[sparda3g]

Kimetsu no Yaiba Chapter 162 Review

I once mentioned how you can count on the series’ battle to be great. It’s best to mention that you can count on the climax to be climatic. Granted, it’s not certain that the battle has concluded, especially when you remember what happened with Akaza, but when it comes to the definitive strike, it feels earned, gratifying, and glorious. In other words, this chapter was outstanding.

The series has been granted with plenty of color pages. Whether it’s because of marketing, strong reception, or both, it’s always a great treat. I really like the color spread here. Kanao and Inosuke fighting alongside in a battle that revolve with Shinobu and Doma. The battle was designed for those two, but it’s not without the helping hands of the next generation of Pillars. Also, the chapter’s title is fitting and inspiring. “Trio of Victory.” Can’t get greater than that.

Throughout the chapter, it goes back-to-back with the flashback with Shinobu and Kanao, and the ongoing battle. Rest assured, it’s not distracting, rather adds so much momentum and tension. Essentially, it created a compelling, thrilling, and climatic chapter. The flashback does confirm a couple of things. The hand signal was meant for a signal of Shinobu’s masterplan in effect. This also means Kanao has known this all this time, which means she was fighting to stall time and hopefully, the poison kicks in. That had to be grueling to withstand the bruising and emotions. What saddens me the most is the confirmation on one part of the plan: Shinobu must die.

It’s painful for Kanao to see her dream of working together crushed by her own master. I like Shinobu softened the pain by telling her not to be swayed by soft thinking. It’s not exactly sunshine and rainbow, but that’s what the Pillars are trained to think otherwise. Even so, it still hurts to know Shinobu was ready to sacrifice. She has done countless of research to prepare for this moment, yet it all resort to paying a life. It’s crazy to think she has consumed wisteria flower poison for over a year, just to prepare to be eaten. It’s even crazier that she didn’t even know if the poison would even work, even with high amount consumption. Her vengeance is undoubtedly deep and committed. Crazy or not, that’s dedication. Thank God, it works; not a moment too late.

Whether you like Doma or not, it’s hard not to crack a smile at his misery; rightfully deserved. He melts and breaks down like T-1000 from Terminator 2 film; revenge is definitely best served cold. Speaking of cold, his ice clones break as well; now it’s the perfect chance to finish him off. Just before the heated action kicks off, the flashback resume to clarify that whether the poison works or not, it won’t kill Doma. At best, it will weaken him tremendously, which leaves to Kanao to finish the job. Shinobu’s smile is probably the warmest I’ve seen from her. Although she is gone, her smile must be protected then, now, and forever. Now, finish the fight.

The action is riveting and suspenseful; keeping me on the edge of my seat. It’s moments like this that anime fans are starting to see the appeal of the action, and this one raises to the tenth level. Doma may be weakened, but he manages to pull off Blood Demon Art: Rime Water Lily Bodhisattva. As much as I hate him, that is one hell of an attack; damn good double-page art. Everything we have gone through were painful, sorrowful, and hopeful. All we need now is the reward, and this big climax keeps testing my patience. It’s just pushing them away to achieve victory. Then, out comes the climatic finish.

I realized something from the flashback. Although it explained Shinobu’s role, it doesn’t explain Kanao’s role. If you recall the last scene with them, Shinobu was going to teach her how to defeat him. So where does Kanao come in play? For the last piece of the flashback, it is finally addressed, starring Flower Breathing Final Form: Equinoctial Vermilion Eye. It heightens the eyes’ sense to its perfect form; catches every movement known to man. It’s the best call to use to dodge and cut Doma’s neck. There’s just one problem: the toll is huge.

The series doesn’t sugar coat the cost and sacrifice these characters have to make in order to win. Personally, that makes the battle interesting; terrifying but interesting. Case in point, that technique may blind her forever. The eyes are sensitive, so anything that effects it is permanent damage. That’s not fair; how can she sees the children back at home? She just started talking, now you want to take her eyes forever? I seriously hope she manage. Whether it happens or not, her sendoff is admirable. Yes, she may go blind, but she doesn’t care. She will honor her life for her; whatever it takes. That speaks volume.

The last part is downright intense. It’s literally do or die. It all comes to one final strike to win, and yet, Doma doesn’t make it any easier. It’s like trying to kill a boss that has one HP yet you can’t touch it, because the game hates you. All you want is to show whose boss. Kanao was about to freeze, letting all sacrifices be in vain. Praise the sun, Inosuke sacrifices his swords by throwing them towards her sword to press forward. That teamwork! A chant echoes in my head, “Forward,” or dare I say, “Susumu!” Down goes Doma’s head; gratifying as hell. Now, is he dead? God, I hope so. Otherwise, I’ll lose it.

This was a hell of chapter with everything on the line. There are consequences and sacrifices to pay, but if it comes down to end Doma, it will be well worth it. These are the real “whatever it takes” team, Avengers. Joking aside, this was a rush. With a well contributed flashback and an intense climatic finish, this is among the best chapters of the year. Not to mention, there’s a really good color spread and some of fine artwork to date. It’s uncertain if Doma is down and out though. I pray it doesn’t go to that route of everything goes in vain, like that series. Next chapter will either satisfy or petrify. The wait begins.

[seoulscenarios]

College AU! Lee Felix

We’re finally on the home stretch, the end is near for this series!! thank you for the immense amount of support you guys are giving us it means the world xxx

-Major: Musical Theatre

-Minor: none, he has no time outside of rehearsals

-Sports: the same martial arts club as Woojin but he specialises in taekwondo, he’s the college’s star taekwondo player and even won them several medal in the nation championships he like a god on campus tbh,, also plays soccer but isn’t officially part of the team bc he has too many other commitments with his course though sometimes they do call him up if they’re in DIRE need of a player

-Clubs: film club, just bc he likes to watch films and listen to other people’s opinion of films tbh (and he can take naps if the film is boring lmao), is also the deputy of the musical theatre society so he has a lot of power of what musicals they covered

-Felix for the last time we’re NOT doing Wicked and if we ever did I point blank REFUSE to cast you as Glinda bc you are a “cute blonde”

-But pleeaaaaaaase I’ll do more vocal training!

-Felix NO, Glinda is a soprano and you struggle to hit even the alto notes most days

-ONE CHANCE

-NO

-Felix chose to do musical theatre bc it combines his love of singing and dancing and being completely over the top,, like have you ever seen a musical at least one character wasn’t kinda over the top

-When he was a kid his parents took him to see The Lion King and he was in awe of it that he decided that he wanted to be in musical theatre ever since then

-At first, he helped out backstage with props, makeup, costume etc. during his school years and it wasn’t until his first year of high school that the director encouraged him to actually audition

-Everyone was extremely shocked that the deep voiced backstage genius could actually sing extremely well,,, like who’d have thought that

-Whilst he wasn’t the best singer he still got cast in a supporting role and he had the time of his life,,, now he got to experience what the actors did when he put them through stuff and he even did his own damn makeup as well during rehearsals

-So yeah up until he graduated Felix went to star in other musicals put on by his school and by his last year he was finally made principal role and he was all big smiles when the cast list went up and he was beaming for days and went into rehearsals with a fully learned script that was all highlighted and sticky notes on the front with potential prop/costume/makeup ideas on he’s just a wholesome boy

-Tho nothing prepared him for the sheer STRESS of being the main character as well as helping out the younger kids, organising props and costumes AND choreographing (can confirm this is the worst and happened to me, it was HELL)

-So yeah, Felix loved musical theatre and was pretty much accepted straight away onto the college course bc of his bright personality and beautiful voice, not to mention he was pretty much an all rounder when it came to the industry so they were delighted to accept him

-However,,, felix missed the accommodation deadline so ended up messaging all the college facebook boards asking if anyone was looking for a flatmate or house share,,, it was chan who saw this and was like yes my son pls join me

-Chan and Felix have this weird father/son/best friend dynamic, like chan would always pack Felix with a lunchbox and water bc he knew that Felix would forget especially when he was rushing round bc he was nearly late for dance class but they also played video games and had wrestling matches in their dorm for ??? no reason ??

-One time Woojin walked in on them arm wrestling and he was like ??? is that how friendship is formed in Australia ??? how bizarre before helping himself to snacks as Felix lost and decided to flip Chan over taekwondo style and Woojin just watched as he munched on some Cheetos or something

-It was just a bit weird but they had come to accept it,,, besides Felix loved being looked after bc it meant he didn’t have to cook food or anything bc chan really enjoyed it lmao

-Felix’s favourite class by far was his dance class

-He was one of the star dancers of the group and loved to help out to choreograph routines for literally every dance number

-Like,, u need ballet for At The Ballet from A Chorus Line??? He’s got you covered. Jazz sequence for West Side Story? He got you COVERED

-He’s just a very talented boy,, though he admits that he may not be the best technically bc he hasn’t received formal dance training whilst at high school he just had the ability to pick up the dance quickly and wasn’t afraid to ask for help when he needed it

-Hell, he even dragged Minho after he finished class one day so he could get pointers on where  he could improve and Minho was like,,, fine but pls buy me coffee I’m DYING (yes Minho does have a coffee addiction,, it’s a problem tbh)

-Felix was an extremely talented kid but he got all shy whenever someone complimented his dancing, or his acting but ESPECIALLY his singing

-Bc even to this day,, he was still nervous about singing

-Like he knew he could sing,,, but in comparison to some of the other people on his course he wasn’t exactly the most confident in his singing ability

-He often went to the music practice rooms so he could practice his songs over and over again until his throat was sore and chan had to make him honey and lemon tea when he got back from practice

-Please protect this soft boy

-Also,,, you KNOW that the boys were his biggest fans whenever he was in shows

-His first project performance happened and he managed to get all of his friends tickets on the front row (how he did this was unknown to literally everyone bc it’s practically impossible)

-He was extremely nervous bc his friends had never seen him perform in a musical before and it was his FIRST college performance how could he not be nervous

-The project was a piece celebrating the different genres and songs from iconic musicals and Felix was the centre for the Rent portion

-(But can you just imagine Felix in Mark’s red and blue knitted sweater and wearing circle glasses whilst he dances to La Vie Boheme??? Okay it would be the best thing ever convince me otherwise)

-He needn’t have been worried bc as soon as he stood on stage and the music kicked in, he was Mark Cohen singing about the death of Bohemia and jumping around the stage like he was born to be there

-He doesn’t remember much of that performance bc he was whisked off stage to prepare for another song but he does remember how the audience (read: the boys) screamed his name as he ran off stage

-The rest of the show went incredibly well and as he came out for his bow, he saw Chan wiping a stray tear as Jeongin laughed at him and Felix had to stop himself from feeling the urge of crying bc his hyung was

-They waited for him as he collected all of his belongings from backstage, too lazy to wipe his makeup off figuring he could just do it home

-When he stepped into the auditorium, all 8 of them pulled him to a bone crushing hug for a good 5 minutes before he literally had to push them off him so he could BREATHE

-Chan pulled him for one more hug, mumbling into his neck about how proud he was of Felix and damn,,, Felix nearly started crying

-It wasn’t until Chan was prompted to let go off him so they could give him his flowers (Changbin claims he was coerced into it when he gave them to him but u know that he went and sought out the best flower shop the day before so they could get the flower bouquet ready for the next day uwu)

-Felix laughed when Changbin handed over the smile and just tapped his cheek, tilting it towards Changbin

-Changbin BLUSHED like hell before giving Felix a peck on the cheek

-Felix would like to go on record to say no he did not squeal happily when Seo Changbin kissed his cheek thank you that is a LIE

-Anyway all the other boys just hollered at them except Minho and Jeongin bc,,, affection??? No thank u

-After they had their little celebration, Chan and Woojin announced that they were taking them out for bbq bc of how well Felix performed and they all whooped in excitement, honestly thrilled that mum and dad were taking them out for food

-Jisung, walking to the bbq place: thank every deity under the sun I’ve not eaten a proper meal since I left home 4 months ago

-Minho: well, this might be your last

-Jisung: :O

-Minho: :)

-Legend has it that the 9 boys who entered the restaurant nearly fully cleared out the entire restaurant’s kitchen but it has yet to be confirmed, reports say, stay tuned in to see if it ever does (hint: it doesn’t)

-Your first meeting with Felix is very different and honestly, you wish to erase it from your memory

-You were part of the musical theatre department, focusing on the backstage aspect with particular focus on lighting and sound

-You knew of Felix, bc how could you not, but you never worked with him beyond getting prompts from the director as to when to light him or turn his mic on

-As much as Felix wanted to go and meet all the backstage crew when they were practicing all together it just wasn’t feasible bc he could not justify running to the sound box just to say hi right in the middle of practice

-And he didn’t have any time in between classes bc your classes were on at the same time as his

-The only time he got to at least have some form of greeting was when he waved at you so you could see what he looks like for your lighting cues

-Felix was sad bc he wanted to say hi and wish everyone good luck for the upcoming performance but he couldn’t as he was rushed off his feet with rehearsals and class bless his soul

-After the performance finished, some of the practical course students asked the backstage crew if they’d like to go to karaoke once they had tidied up

-Everyone agreed, tho u weren’t actually there bc you were in the lightbox above the stage but once you got there all your friends were like !!!!!! Y/N THEY INVITED US TO KARAOKE YOU HAVE TO COME

-You just rolled your eyes and let yourself be dragged towards the karaoke rooms

-At first, you were a bit awkward bc you had never hung out with the actual musical theatre kids as you mainly stuck with ur lighting crew buddies but you were willing to give them a chance

-The first few songs were a little bit serious and you were kinda bored so you went up to the machine and were like “let’s liven up the place a bit”

-Well it was at this point that Felix walked into the room, late bc he was going through some notes with the director, and saw you on top of the table screaming your lungs out to American Idiot whilst everyone screamed along with you

-Well Felix wasn’t one to ignore a party esp when Green Day was playing so he grabbed the other microphone from Jihyo’s hand and began to scream along with you

-You grinned, grabbing his hand and pulling him onto the table with you

-The two of you jammed out and nearly broke it but honestly,,, it was worth it bc you got to hear Felix’s beautiful laugh for yourself uwu

-When the song finished the two of you were just stood on the table panting and grinning wildly at each other before he hopped off and offered you his hand so you could get off the table my HEART

-Felix pulled you over to the sofa and introduced himself to you

-“I’m Felix, musical theatre student”

-“I’m Y/N, also a musical theatre student but not practical, I work backstage but you would probably find me in the lighting box or the sound booth”

-“OH I remember you, you did the lighting for the dance performance today right?” he asked excitedly

-“Yes I did” you couldn’t help but grin back at him,,, bc hello is smile is beautiful and contagious as hell!!!

-The two of you chatted as best as you could over the sound of Jihyo and Youngjae crooning another love song down the microphones

-You just shook your head, gesturing Felix over to the machine so he could pick a new song

-Well,,, he interrupted the love fest and the sound of Wonderwall bled through the speakers and you started crying in laughter as Felix introduced the song “so anyway here’s Wonderwall”

-The two of you did a very dramatic re-enactment of the song and Felix couldn’t help but smile when you were basically screaming down the microphone during the chorus

-Your friends just watched in part hate,,, bc hello its Wonderwall and part admiration bc how the hell could two people who have only just met do such an in-sync performance of a well hated song????

-Magic, Youngjae told Jaebum as they both watched in disgust as you threw yourselves across the room in some form of contemporary dance??? Youngjae definitely didn’t know what he was witnessing but he wasn’t sure he liked it

-So anyway the night ends with relatively few casualties, only one broken glass that Dowoon  managed to cut himself on and Jae somehow managed to lose his voice???? But other than that,,, it was a fun night

-As people parted ways, Felix noticed you walking the other way and he quickly ran after you throwing goodbyes to whoever was left

-“HEY Y/N WAIT UP!”

-You whipped around, not expecting Felix to be running after you

-Like,, wtf?

-You waited for Felix to catch up with you before you asked him why he ran after you

-“I just,,,, wanted to make sure you got home safely and besides I live this way too so I thought we could walk together!”

-You just smiled at his bright response and the two of you walked back to your accommodation talking about literally every topic under the sun

-He told you all about Australia and his flatmate Chan

-Don’t tell anyone but Chan is actually CB97 from 3RACHA

-You mean the underground rap group that is supposedly made up 3 college students

-The very same

-DUDE THAT’S SO COOL YOU HAVE TO SNEAK ME IN ONE DAY I’VE BEEN TRYING FOR MONTHS YOU KNOW

-Let me into the lighting box and consider it done

-You have a deal Felix pleasure doing business with you

-(felix pulls through a few weeks later and the two of jam just a little too hard and seungmin is extremely embarrassed to say that he knew the two of you)

-As it turns out, you live in the same apartment block as Felix and he actually walked you to your flat just so he could make sure you got home safely n u were like,,,, mate it’s a bit too much but okay

-Felix began to walk away as you unlocked your door before you heard footsteps approach you and you quickly turned around, brandishing your keys in the assailants’ face

-The assailant, however, was Felix who just looked at you in shock before laughing

-“Well, least I know you’re capable of defending yourself haha”

-“You asshole oh my god you scared me what do you want from me?”

-“Your number”

-O H

-Felix was very straightforward huh, you thought as he took his phone out of his pocket and handed it you

-You punched in your number and handed it back to him

-All the while, Felix was just smiling at you bc HECK he found you cute

-Ever since that night you and Felix became fast friends and yes, you did let him into the lighting box and teach him how to operate the basics bc Felix was hella interested in all aspects of musical theatre not just being on the stage

-You admired that quality about him bc many of the other students just took lighting and sound for granted and just tapped their foot impatiently as you configured the mic pack to the sound booth before handing it to them

-Not Felix though

-He would make conversation with you and even let you secure his microphone properly and you won’t lie that you felt yourself getting a little flustered as you hooked the mic round his ears and as you pulled back to see if it needed adjusting he was just smiling softly at you

-HECK

-Felix found you super cute when you were concentrating and he got distracted once as you were fixing the lights on stage than Jihyo had to literally smack the back of his head bc he was too focused on you lmao

-In his spare time he often begged you to let him see your notes for lighting and sound bc he was genuinely curious and wanted to see if he could figure out what all the codes were

-You just threw the script at him and told him to stop pestering you or else you would stop stocking up on timtams

-Felix never did pester you again, his love of timtams got the better of him

-So yeah,, you and Felix were hella close now

-You even found yourself going on “dates” (that’s what your friends called them, dismissing your protests claiming it was just a friends thing) with him

-And by dates, I mean the two of you went shopping together and had dinner afterwards, going to coffee shops and hell you even let Felix practice new makeup on you so he could improve his skills

-Felix,,, why the hell have you literally painted my whole damn face with cat features!

-We’re studying CATS okay let me LIVE

-I know for a fact you’re not bc literally yesterday you told me that your focus in class at the moment was Starlight Express and the last time I checked,,, that was about trains and people on roller skates not CATS

-You,,,, you’ve got me there I’m sorry

-Anyway,, before you knew it you found yourself falling hopelessly for Felix

-It didn’t help that you were preparing for the final musical of the year and you were practically assigned to work with Felix

-(You can bet your right sock that the rest of the lighting crew were in on this as they snickered whenever you were testing a new microphone with Felix and you began to blush, causing Felix to ask you if you were feeling okay and your crew were like GET IT Y/N)

-Little did you know that Felix was crushing on you as well bc well,,, everything you did was a distraction and he found himself thinking about you practically every day

-His class mates had noticed and told the lighting crew and they were like UGH FINALLY YOU NOTICED and they made a betting pool to see who would confess first

-Most bets were on Felix tbh, he was a loud outgoing kid so he probably had more guts do it than you

-Only a few lone members of the lighting crew stayed loyal to you bc they had a hunch you would confess at the end of the show

-Ah the show,,,

-It’s always stressful preparing for the show and Felix had ended up with the part of Enjolras in their production of Les Miserables

-The two of you were rushed off your feet bc the rehearsal process was actual HELL and it was hell both on stage and offstage

-Like Felix had to learn a whole new type of musical, with very little dance in it, and he was stressed bc he didn’t think he was doing a good job of portraying his character

-Whilst you,,, had the horrible task of designing lighting for an entire show (how you had ended up with that horrible task was beyond you but here you were, wishing for the show to be over so this hell would STOP)

-But alas,, the weeks running up the first performance were crazy and you barely had time to even text Felix bc half of your day was spent running through lighting with the crew and the other half was spent correcting your errors bc the director was a grouchy piece of work n nothing was perfect

-You missed spending time with Felix bc he could make you feel happy and relaxed with just a smile but every time you saw him offstage he seemed,,, a little off and distracted

-Just as you were about to go and ask if he was okay, you were whisked away by one of the sound people bc one of the mics weren’t working

-You never forgot the look on his face though

-Before you knew it, opening night was upon you and the theatre was in full work mode getting everything into position ready for when the audience came in

-Before the actors had arrived however, you snuck in backstage and dropped off a small bouquet of flowers onto Felix’s makeup station with a note that read “I’m sure you’ve got this Apollo”, a bottle of water and a timtam that had strict instructions to eat AFTER the show

-You giggled as you saw Felix wandering round with a small smile on his face, twiddling the note in his fingers unsure of who this was

-Throughout the performance your eyes were drawn to Felix almost like a magnet bc he was captivating as the leader of the revolution and tears actually started to trickle down your face as he sang Do You Hear the People Sing

-Like,,, you were so damn proud of how he was performing considering literally yesterday he was moping around

-As the show week progressed you left bigger bouquets of flowers with different encouraging notes and snacks on them and every day you saw Felix’s smile grow wider and his performance grow stronger

-As the final night rolled around you decided that today was the day

-You were going to confess your feelings to Felix

-You didn’t leave flowers this time, just a note that read

-If you want to know who I am, find me after the show. I’ll be the one with the bouquet of red roses love XXXX

-When Felix read this he was extremely nervous bc all week he had hoped for some sign as to who it was yet all of a sudden they were going to just reveal themselves?

-He didn’t know how he was going to react but secretly,,, he hoped it was you and if it wasn’t he wasn’t sure how he was going to react

-So anyway,, the show went on and by the end of it the whole audience was in tears

-When the actors came on for their individual bows you heard Felix’s friends literally roaring his name,, and was that Changbin holding a Felix banner and standing in his seat??

-When the bows for the technical team were happening you ended up locking eyes with Felix and he was just grinning at you, even as they moved around the theatre

-The final bow happened and you cracked your fingers, knowing it was time

-You bid the rest of your crew goodbye before picking up a bouquet of roses that were underneath the desk and they were like !!!!!! omg they’re going to do it?!?! And you just grinned, pressing a finger to your lips and sneaking out into the main auditorium

-You were slightly nervous bc heck,,, his best friends were here as well and they knew you and if they saw you they would not shut up

-They saw you anyway but Chan had literally choked Felix out to stop him from yelling at you and the rest of the boys were kinda scared so they just left you alone,, wondering if you were going to confess to Felix bc quite honestly,,,, they were sick of Felix’s pining over you lmao

-Before you knew it, the actors began spilling out into the auditorium and your heart began to beat rapidly, waiting for Felix to appear

-When he did you gasped a little bc honestly,, how dare he look so good with his blonde hair all curled and slight traces of makeup still around his eyes with a tired smile on his eyes

-You saw his eyes dart around the room, undoubtedly looking for the red roses you had told him about

-He eyes lit up and started to walk towards you so you decided to remove the flowers from your face

-Felix’s eyes literally widened and his pace picked up

-You just smiled before literally running to him and throwing yourself around his body and kissing him square on the lips

-W O W

-You didn’t plan on doing that but it worked I guess

-The whole auditorium burst into raucous applause, finally glad that the two of you had gotten together after literally almost a year of pining like wtf guys come on

-Chan wiped a tear before motioning to the other boys to go over to the two of you

-You had broken the kiss and were resting your heads together, giggling when the boys approached you uwu

-“So, Y/N you’re finally dating Felix hyung? Took you long enough” jeongin stated bluntly

-“JEONGIN YOU CANT JUST ASK THEM THAT JE-“

-“yes we are dating” Felix said, kissing your temple softly and wrapping an arm around your waist and the other one cradling the bouquet of roses you gave him

-DATING FELIX:

-Oh god it’s a whole MESS dating this boy istg

-Like where to even begin

-For a start, he’s even more smiley and insufferable during class bc he’s like yeah I’m dating the cute lighting technician whilst u Jackie are dating??? Who again exactly? I lost count after you dumped Jaebum bc you found Mark more attractive but then Mark refused to date you bc ??? I forgot tbh

-He literally runs his mouth too much that you literally had to fly from your class to his so you could slap a damn over his mouth so he would shut up

-He didn’t mean to be mean but honestly,,,, he was just saying what the whole class was thinking n you were like babe, I know Jackie is like that but pls keep your mouth shut otherwise if Jackie comes for you I refuse to help you

-B A B E

-Oh yeah, felix definitely calls you babe more than your actual name which makes seungmin fake vomit into his work every time he hears felix call you that

-You just stick your tongue out and call Felix baby and right that’s it Seungmin is transferring college bc he’s SICK of all the affection going round atm

-Date nights are mainly just movie nights bc you and felix are so damn tired all the time after class and there’s nothing better than cuddling him after a long day of class

-Whilst the film is playing you like to lay on half on top of him so you can see his face as he lazily tells you about the ballet workshop he went to that morning

-You just loved listening to him talk and you also liked to rest your head on his chest, feeling relaxed by the steady lull of his heartbeat and the way his chest moved up and down

-More often than not you would fall asleep like this and Chan would find you there at 2am when he went to get a glass of water and he would throw another blanket over you, tucking you in so you didn’t get cold during the night

-(You never did bc Felix is the literal embodiment of the sun in two ways,,, his personality and his damn body heat)

-Also hear me out,, you would take felix to the lighting box on weekends and teach him new lighting methods and you loved watching him being a giddy child when he got it right that you would reward him with kisses whenever he did bc it made the both of you giggle

-Honestly,,, kissing felix? A blessing you weren’t quite sure you deserved though he assured you everyday that you did bc he was always kissing ur forehead, nose, cheeks u name it

-One thing you loved doing was gently tracing the freckles on his face before lightly peppering them with kisses

-It made Felix blush like CRAZY but he loved it bc it was you and you were being cute as heck

-Other date nights included karaoke with the boys and the two of you confusing all of them when you yelled that your song was playing when Wonderwall came on

-Woojin,,, are they being serious right now?

-You know Chan, I really wish I knew

-Study dates weren’t really a thing the two of you did bc you were on such a practical course with not much studying,, but you still liked to go to coffee shops and rehearse lines with him when he had a show coming up or accompanying him to the dance studio when he had a dance project due in

-You being Felix’s biggest fan? Confirmed.

-Going along to every single one of Felix’s taekwondo matches and yelling alongside Changbin as Felix flipped his opponent over??? OF COURSE

-Though, people always wondered which one of you was actually dating Felix until Felix ran over to you and kissed you on the lips and not Changbin lmao

-You always greeted Felix with a bouquet of red roses at the end of each of his performances and he still blushed bc he still couldn’t believe you confessed before he did

-So he decided to reverse the situation and surprised you with flowers during the bows of the last night of one his shows

-Like,,, he called the lighting crew down under the pretence of giving them praise but the ulterior motive,,,, he gave you flowers on stage and then kissed your cheek UWU

-The two of you were the powerhouse couple of the theatre department that everyone was envious of bc you just understood each other so well???? Not to mention between the two of you, you could literally run an entire theatre by yourselves and still have sold out shows

-Just wow,,, you were THAT couple

hi i would like a lee felix pls he’s cute as HECK and i just wanna compliment his freckles till the end of my days goodbye x

[deckyshep]

Unholiest - Chapter Two

Original story by R.D. Shepard. Read Chapter One Here.

Genre(s): Historical Fiction, Supernatural, Romance Content Warnings: HIV/AIDS diagnosis, homophobia, missing person, eating disorder, grief, suicide mention, drugging Author’s Notes: Thanks for reading! This is chapter two of the Unholiest novel I’ve been writing for over a year now. This novel was heavily inspired by a TTRPG series that I’ve been a huge fan of for a long time; with the uploading of each chapter, it’ll likely become apparent which TTRPG series it is, haha. Enjoy! Summary: Mac Whelan and Drew Kelly are a young, openly gay couple in the early 1980s, living in NYC and struggling to make ends meet. It’s hard enough being out of the closet in the midst of the AIDS crisis—but when Mac suddenly goes missing, Drew struggles with the grief of losing the first man he ever loved while also dealing with the existential dread of his own mortality. When he discovers what happened to his fiancé, though... heads will roll.

It had been six months since Mac had disappeared, leaving behind nothing but a vague note explaining why he had to leave.  It had been horrible the first four months, of course; Drew only left the apartment every few weeks to get coffee grounds and filters for the coffee pot, as that was the only thing he could stomach most of the time.  He’d lost a good amount of weight – not from sickness, of course, but from being too depressed to eat.

But Deloreah and her friends brought him to the grocery store after a few months, forcing him to pick up the things he needed to survive.  It was an intervention of sorts; he’d lost his job in his depressive spiral, and they were so terrified he was just going to off himself that they had to reel him back in.

He was feeling better—no, that was a lie.  His heart was still smashed into millions of painful little shards, and even in their broken form, they throbbed, ached with pain and longing, mourning for the love of his life.  He just wasn’t as suicidal as he had been only two months ago.  He knew he had to carry on, but he didn’t know how; all he knew was that he had to at least survive.

It had been six months since Mac left him to spare him of watching his fiancé die slowly of an incurable, untreatable illness... but it had only been a few weeks since Deloreah took him to the clinic to get tested for HIV.  He’d gotten a call to return to the clinic last week, and when he heard the news, it only confirmed what he already knew: he was HIV-positive.

Dr. Stannard had offered him an experimental treatment that was showing early signs of success in fighting the virus, but he’d declined politely and left.  He stayed in his apartment for a few days, eating only a bowl of bland cereal and drinking ungodly amounts of black coffee each day. He didn’t know what to do; was there a point in doing anything if he was going to die anyway?

He wanted to say he’d came to his senses and realized this was no way to live, gone back to the doctor and volunteered for that treatment.  But that didn’t happen.  That wasn’t the reason he’d left his apartment for the first time that week on Saturday night.

It was the cut-out newspaper listing that somebody slid under his door, circled in bright red pen, that got him out tonight.  It was titled, “So You’re Dying – So Are We.”  In italics underneath that, there was a small description: “Not everything has to end the moment we find out our lives will.  Dr. Goodfellow can help you come to terms with it without exacerbating your fears.”  Underneath that, in bold, all-capital letters, was an address for an office in downtown Manhattan, maybe five blocks away from his apartment.

There he walked, dressed in Mac’s patch-covered, punk leather jacket and his own skinny jeans and boots to keep out the cold of late autumn.  He finally stopped at a bus station, pulling the clipping out of his pocket to look at the address again, then glanced up at the building in front of him: it wasn’t the tallest building he’d ever seen, but it was rather grander than he expected. The first floor with practically undamaged concrete steps leading to the mirrored glass doors had a large, elegant neon sign above the doors, labeling it as the Goodfellow Charitable Art Gallery.  As he walked up the steps, he saw the directory sign posted beside the double doors.  It seemed that Goodfellow owned this entire building, as his name was plastered in the title of every business on each floor.  And his personal office was at the very top.

Taking a breath, Drew opened the doors, stepping inside.

Right away, he felt completely out of place.  The art gallery sat upon a marbled stone floor, the art-covered walls a similar shade of painted grey but bordered in gold-painted wooden trim along every corner.  If that hadn’t been enough, the patrons of the current gallery showing were all dressed like billionaires; every woman wore a fur-lined coat and expensive kitten heels, while every man wore a flawless three-piece suit, each looking like it was tailored by a Gucci designer.  He instantly received a few disgusted looks, but he ignored them the best he could, walking through the gallery to find the building’s elevator.

“Well, hello.” Someone caught his arm, and when he looked back, he saw the most intimidatingly beautiful woman he’d ever seen in his life.  She was much taller than him, especially in her knee-high, green velvet boots and extremely short, body-con black dress.  Her strawberry blond hair was pinned into a bob atop her head, a few perfectly curled locks hanging down to frame her freckled, pale face.  Her makeup looked intentionally heavy, from her long, thick lashes to her glossy pink lips.  But the things that caught his attention the most were her eyes, as they nearly glowed an emerald green.  She grinned eagerly, softly squeezing his thin bicep in her hand.  “You don’t look like you belong here... but the most interesting people don’t.  What’s your name?”

Drew plucked her hand off his arm gently, giving a tight but polite smile.  “Drew Kelly.  But I’m... Sorry, I'm not here for the gallery.  Do you know where the elevator to the doctor’s office is?”

Her eyes seemed to glint in curiosity.  “You’re here to see Goodfellow? Interesting.” She glanced over his leather jacket, amused by the sheer number of patches sewn into it.  “Goodfellow put that advertisement in the paper after his daughter was diagnosed with leukemia.  I don’t know if he’s in his office, but...”  Her vivid eyes returned to gaze into his, tilting her head with another smile.  “If someone like you has the boldness to march into this gallery just to see him, what is stopping the rest of us?”  Drew furrowed his brow in response, and she giggled, pointing a long finger behind her, where a hallway hid behind one of the separated gallery walls.  “The elevator is down that hallway.  Would you mind if I joined you, Drew?”

He stared at her, trying to determine her motive for a few seconds before he sighed.  “That’s... fine, I guess.”

“Wonderful.”  She turned, elegantly shuffling past other patrons toward the hallway, and he followed cautiously but closely behind.

The elevator at the end of the hallway was a stark difference in aesthetic compared to the gallery – it was a simple metal elevator with two buttons with arrows on them, one pointing up and the other pointing down.  She pressed her thumb into the button pointing upward, and it glowed faintly red as the elevator doors opened.  They both stepped inside the small elevator, and the woman quickly looked over the several buttons lining the side, all numbered in order, pressing the top button – the tenth floor.  The doors shut, and the elevator began its ascent, a soft instrumental tune playing over the speakers in the ceiling.

The woman turned to him with a sudden gasp.  “Oh, how absolutely rude of me! I never introduced myself.”  She brushed her perfect hair away from her eyes with a few fingers; Drew noticed she had a simple, gold wedding band on her left ring finger.  “My name is Professor Lana Bixby.  I am the curator of tonight’s gallery showing.”

Drew felt his throat go cotton dry.  “I-- It’s, ah, nice to meet you, Lana.”

“Please, I prefer Lane.” She smiled, absently looking over the walls of the elevator.  “‘Drew Kelly’ sounds awfully familiar as a name.  I feel like I’ve heard it recently.”

Drew’s gaze lowered to the floor.  “You might be thinking of Drew Carey.  That’s what my friends nicknamed me.”

Lane raised an eyebrow at him, glancing over for just a second before she returned her eyes to the elevator’s progress above the doors.  They’d made it to the fifth floor already.  “I’m sure that’s a common misattribution.  But that’s not who I’m thinking of... Why, I’m certain I heard someone mention a Drew Kelly at some point.” Drew suddenly looked over at her with narrowed eyes, examining her face, as though he would try to read her mind through her expression.  Yet she was smiling curiously as she watched each floor number glow atop the elevator doors. “Oh well.  Perhaps it’ll come to me later.”

She was toying with him. But why?

The elevator suddenly beeped loudly, and the elevator doors opened, revealing a long red-painted hallway adorned with gold frames holding paintings of many kinds.  Several expensive-looking, matching rugs covered the grey, marbled tile floor between several heavy-looking doors lining the walls directly across from each other.  At the end of the hallway, maybe fifty feet forward, was another heavy wooden door with a metal plaque at eye level that read “Dr. Cyrus Goodfellow” in engraved cursive.

Drew felt his heart start to pound, but Lane nonchalantly made her way toward the door, glancing back at him as she walked.  “Oh, Drew. Don’t tell me you’re scared, now. Goodfellow’s a good fellow.”  She winked, turning back to the door and stopping in front of it.  He swallowed hard but quickly followed, standing beside her with his fingers nervously twitching in his jacket’s pockets.  As soon as she sensed his presence next to her, she knocked her fist against the door. “Cyrus, darling.  I’m sorry to bother, but there’s a young man here to see you.”

There was a moment of silence... and then he heard a deep voice muffled behind the door.  “Bring him in.”

Lane smiled at Drew, motioning toward the door.  “After you, lovely.”

Drew took a deep breath, twisting the doorknob and opening the door.  The first thing he saw was a dark office, only dimly lit by a green and gold string lamp atop a desk, where an older white man, possibly in his forties and with golden hair slicked back by gel, sat in a rich leather desk chair, a curious look on his face.

The last thing he saw was a delicate, pale hand reaching up to his face from behind him, holding a soaked paper towel that was subsequently forced against his nose.

[justherefortaylorswift]

there’s glitter on the floor after the party...

Taylor,

*About 9 days ago, on May 22nd, 2018, I had just arrived home from your Seattle show at CenturyLink Field. It was 4am and I couldn’t sleep. I had so much on my mind and was still on a high from your show. So, in the early hours of the morning, after my friends had long gone to bed, I began to write. I’ve revised my original note quite a bit since then. I’ve also had the opportunity to do some additional reflecting since tour, and I have some thoughts. So, I guess this is the end-result of a mash-up of 4AM overly-emotional rambling, combined with well thought-out, fully coherent, mature writing. I feel like I really over-explained this. I could have been a lot less-awkward in setting this up. Let's just get into it:

[SO. I just got home from your Seattle show. It's 4 am and I can't sleep. This was my 6th tour, and I made what seems like an infinite amount of unforgettable memories with a group of incredible people I call my ‘Swiftie Fam” (the name needs work...). There's Cecil (my long-time, Canadian Swiftie friend, you’ll see him in earlier posts), Wanda (Cecil’s wife), Kaeden (7. Cecil & Wanda’s son. Major Swiftie. His first concert!), and finally the beautiful Maile (a recent addition to the fam, and now a life-long friend!).  It’s hard to explain in words, but we all have developed a connection that’s special and unique because of what we experienced together. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to stand by my side tonight. We danced, laughed, and cried together… I don’t think I’ve ever felt more understood. These people ‘get’ me.

Not surprisingly, I screamed every single lyric at the top of my lungs and subsequently lost my voice almost IMMEDATIELY. With that in mind, I suppose a more accurate description would be: I wasn’t so much singing, as I was gasping for the remainder of the show. I literally danced with until I was out of breath. I cried (ok, SOBBED) all of my make-up off (a Long Live/NYD mash-up… are you kidding me?! I FEEL ATTACKED). 

By the end of the night, I resembled a pathetic, overly-emotional, glittery, drowned rat.

and I was living my absolute best life.

Also, I was REALLY proud of our outfits this time around! I think we did a decent job of recreating your Direct TV commercial, with my rainbow two-piece, and Cecil’s interpretation of Olivia Benson dressed as a Caticorn (I can’t say I ever thought I’d use that in a sentence). It consisted of around 8-10 hours total of gluing, painting, and hand-sewing, leading up to the show. Everything turned out awesome, way better than expected. Totally worth the man hours! Wanda hand-made matching these adorable matching t-shirts for her and little Kaden (Big Rep & Little Rep), and Maile constructed a beautiful MASTERPIECE from the mountain LYWMMD outfit- it was freakin’ incredible and HOT!

There was something a bit different about this tour for a couple of reasons:

[The production.] I don’t think I’ve experienced such sensory-overload in my LIFE. The whole time it was like a constant stream of frantic, internal dialogue with a lot of run-on sentences, like, “WHAT IS HAPPENING SHE’S GIVING US CHOREO OMG YAAASSS WERK HONEY IF A MAN TALKS SHIT WE DON'T OWE HIM A DAMN THING OH MY GOD ITS RAINING CONFETTI I MUST COLLECT IT I HOPE THESE MULTI-COLORED FLASHING LIGHTS DON’T GIVE ME AN EPILEPTIC ATTACK WHERE THE F-CK DID THESE GIGANTIC SNAKES COME FROM THERE ARE LITERALLY STAGES EVERYWHERE I’M OVERWHELMED OH SHIT SHES PULLING A SPEAK NOW BY WALKING THROUGH THE CROWD WHAT'S GOING ON OH GOD F-CKING FIREWORKS THESE VOCALS ARE LIT THO I'M SWEATING I’M DEFINITELY GONNA NEED THERAPY AFTER THIS NEW YEARS DAY/LONG LIVE MASH UP IS THAT A FOUNTAIN WHATS HAPPENING OH GOD IT’S REAL WATER AND SHE’S IN THE FOUNTAIN I’M HAVING A 2008 SHOULD’VE SAID NO ACM AWARDS FLASHBACK MOMENT HOLY SH-T MORE F-CKING FIREWORKS SO MUCH PYRO IS THIS EVEN LEGAL” I’ve gotta say, you have BEST band (Paul, Amos and Mike..OGS), vocalists (Eliott and Kamilah…the TALENT), and all the dancers. Every single person on that stage was on FIRE, and their talent, passion, and individual personalities made the night sparkle.

[The fans.] I freaking adore this fan culture. I’ve never met a Swiftie who wasn’t ridiculously friendly, welcoming, and super relatable. The vibe was so positive. I’ve never smiled, waved and taken pictures with so many random strangers in my life. It felt as if we were literally in a different world that day. It felt like home.

[YOU!.]  We need to talk about this major GLO UP you’ve got going on, honey. You exude SO much confidence and you're just pure sunshine. When I think about the way you’ve carried yourself these past couple of years through all of the BS drama, I can’t help but feel damn proud. You’ve successfully converted pain into art, into music. Real music, that’s poignant, raw, and just BAD ASS. Your lyrics continue to foster a special connection you maintain with the audience...a connection that often times breathes life into brokenness.

I felt like the luckiest girl in the entire world tonight. 

This may have been my best concert experience ever, which is actually pretty ironic because:

Unlike Red, I wasn’t in the Pit

I didn’t have VIP seating, like 1989

You weren’t close enough for any potential high fives, waves, or eye contact like I experienced at Speak Now at B-Stage

We were not chosen for Rep Room (or T-Party, Club Red, or Loft 89)

…But, it was OK. It was way more than OK. It was truly a dream.

Listen: Something I've always deeply admired about you is that you make it a priority to maintain a personal relationship with the fans.  It’s clear you want to meet as many of us as possible, and you make a conscious effort to do so. You get to know us as individuals and you CARE, and that means everything us and makes such an impact. I mean, you invite us into your HOME for crying out loud, you walk through massive crowds and give high-fives, you lurk our Instagrams and Tumblrs and interact on social media, and you always make a notable effort to meet as many of us as possible at tour.

However, this can sometimes turn into a bit of a "Catch 22" situation for people. The downside, is that it’s honestly SUPER easy to fall into the “trap” of being consumed with the possibility of meeting you after your shows. Due to the fact that the “selection” process is both intentional, yet also random. To be transparent, it's quite difficult to not obsess with the idea of ‘trying’ to get chosen. I witness this behavior so often, in others and in myself just as much, if not more. Selfishly, I often feel not only jealous, but UPSET when I see photos/read experiences of other fans meeting you. I sometimes feel like the only one who hasn’t yet gotten the opportunity.  It can quickly turn into a mind-game if you're not careful, which has the potential to become toxic if we allow the idea of meeting you to rule supreme over what it's actually about...which is the MUSIC. And, this amazing show you put on for us night after night. And somewhat understandably so, I've witnessed the obsession with being chosen to meet you become a main focus point for a lot of us (including myself a bit!). It's pretty stressful, and can easily dampen or cheapen the concert experience, if you're not careful. As dramatic as this probably sounds, Tumblr (and social media) can be brutal within this fandom, and dare I say ‘cut-throat’ at times. It's easy to get upset watching (what seems like) literally EVERYONE get that opportunity, except you. 

That said, I had a wake-up call/mini-epiphany recently, which manifested while driving home from your show at Midnight on May 22nd with my friends, feeling so amazing and so grateful for what I just experienced…but also a little guilty because I feel like I’ve spent way too much time worrying about the possibility of meeting at you when you come to Seattle, how to get the attention of Taylor Nation, where to find Mama Swift, getting that guitar pick from Papa Swift, and this time was no different. Granted, my intentions are 100% pure and it’s only because you’ve meant so freakin much to me for so many years, and it's almost as if my life won’t be complete until I finally get to tell you in person. That said, there is certainty a valuable lesson to be learned here. I am confident that you and I will come face-to-face one day (hopefully with my Swifie fam!). The stars will align at the exactly the right time, and I will have my moment with you, and it will be SO worth the wait. You can't "force" stuff like this, you know? The privilege of meeting you is almost ‘sacred’ in a sense. At least in my opinion. Anyway, my point is: I refuse to a continue to attempt to “create fate” by attempting to "earn" my worthiness in fandom. It’s not productive, it's not healthy, and it’s not cute.

Alright, this is getting out of hand. I need to wrap this up. 🤣 I’m not sure whether or not you’ve seen any of my throwback photo-posts I posted the week leading up to the show. They definitely explain a lot more about me, and my history being a fan. Either way, I must reiterate how grateful I am to have you in my life, and that support you 100% and will always be here. The amount of hope, joy and comfort you've given me over the past 10+ years is insurmountable, and I'll never be able to repay you for that. And I mean that in the most sincere way. Not a lot of things make me as happy as you make me (especially lately). This experience was the ‘boost’ I needed, I think. And like I said, the relationship I have with my friends/Swiftie Fam is invaluable, and I look forward to making memories with them at your shows in the future. You’ve brought the most random group of people together and created a bond that’s unique, unconditional and unbreakable, and I think that’s so cool.

This was A LOT longer than I originally intended it to be. This escalated quickly. Haha. Thanks for listening. 💗

Don’t read the last page…]

Love you, T

Crystal

@taylorswift

@taylornation

@ceunit

@maileswiftie

[photos]:  1) The whole crew: Cecil, Wanda, Kaeden, Maile and myself at our seats. 2) Kaeden the night before the show. SO EXCITED!! 3) Testing out the Caticorn onesie w/ Cecil 4) Cecil and myself FULLY DECKED and ready to go. 5) Wanda and Kaeden: Big Rep & Lil’ Rep! 6) the girls! Maile, Wanda and Me pre-show 7) Us at the end of the show! And yes, that’s me in the middle..in disbelief, exhausted, sweaty, and a physical and emotional wreck (see also: ‘drowned rat’ description above). 8) All of us after the show literally in a hotel lobby (and glitter on the floor after the party!), waiting for traffic to die down before we headed home.

[violetsystems]

#personal

I took a long walk after work yesterday to pick up my prescriptions.  The area down Ashland can seem pretty desolate.  It reminds me a lot of this strip in Brooklyn down Marcy Ave.  A mostly industrial zoned strip of graffiti, train yards and old school public housing.  It’s only really two blocks from my house and the area I most frequent.  The rest of my neighborhood is an idyllic mix of people centered around mostly Mexican, Czech and Polish families spanning generations.  Chicago has always had a block mentality.  Though it runs on a grid, the personal politics vary with territory.  Negotiating freedom and space was a nightmare maze at times.  I’ve written for years about it.  Chicago can be a dangerous place.  I was riding in a car with a foot worker a couple of years ago to see a show on the deep south side.  His quote still echoes in my head.  We had made an unexpected turn onto another street.  That area was controlled by a gang he’d rather not deal with.  His long winded explanation ended with an abrupt statement.  You are either about that life or you aren’t.  I am not about any life usually other than staying out of trouble.  And you quickly learn the hidden territories.  People expect you to pick up on things out here.  Expectations are everywhere and can overwhelm people who are just trying to get by.  The freedom I have here in Chicago is largely based on a long negotiation fraught with battles, obstacles, and alternative routes.  I’ve been running by the FBI so much that I make it my own little statement.  I’m sure by now they forgot about the day I flicked them off.  I spend a considerable amount of time in underdeveloped areas of the city these days.  Mainly because it’s extremely hard to run with a mask on.  And simply because my privacy is something I’ve had to learn to protect viciously.  With no validation or explanation of what my real goals are in any of this.  I hold myself accountable and I explore my world from there.  Everybody knows how upset I’ve been.  Everybody knows life is incredibly exhausting for me when it doesn’t have to be.  And everybody knows I don’t just support black lives matter.  I go out there and celebrate their value.  The beauty of Chicago these days is that we’re trying to live in the future regardless.  And the future is out there on a walk down Ashland to Roosevelt.  Where kids ride bikes draped in pink gear to see me off to the pharmacy.  And people wave at me with no other expectations than to greet me in their neighborhood.  How is it these people know all the real shit about me when I deactivate most of my accounts?  Maybe that’s what I get for quitting social media in the long run.  More face time in the real world.  I’d make a much better Instagram husband anyway.

It’s far easier to stream myself playing a game and mumbling to myself than to take the same picture over and over again.  It’s also far more satisfying to sit down and write it all down here.  Over the years, the people I have connected to have never expected much from me and vice versa.  This place for me has never been pretentious or exclusive.  And it’s from my small interactions with people on here that I modeled the interactions I wanted in real life.  I was exposed to cultures other than my own.  Read and studied the history instead of listening to pundits and for profit media.  In truth I’ve been mumbling to myself on here for years hoping people would listen.  And in time I found people did.  People I valued, respected and was directly inspired by.  And there was no expectation other than to strive to be a better me through this process.  Which is a long winded explanation why I have no real urge to return to things I’ve left behind.  Whether that be facebook, instagram, or alcohol.  The third one is an extreme.  I don’t mind being around any of it.  For myself I’ve seen the diminishing returns.  Just like I’ve been connected to people on here for years, it’s the same for places like Instagram.  It’s like a second wave of high school for me.  All the bad parts.  People who have no business looking into your life doing it daily.  Connected in an inorganic sort of way.  More like a fungus or a cancer.  People who could interact but don’t.  People who suck you up into their drama.  Whereas a simple like on this platform has kept me breathing.  I kept to myself.  I stayed transparent and accountable.  And I largely enjoy just being another invisible shit head on the internet.  Except that I’m something far more than that.  A Godzilla walking down ashland with my digital footprint materializing in the flesh.  I don’t need the internet at times.  It’s something that follows me around.  A reputation I uphold.  A savage crush I’ve had for years maybe.  Or just a fact of life I embrace.  I have always been deadly serious about my intent with things.  I also never expect them to work out the way I plan them to.  I expect a lot from myself.  And I show that daily enough as it is.  I post a picture for a court of people who would rather judge me than talk to me like a human being.  And most people are downright scared to open up themselves.  That is why when we talk to people it is mostly projection.  It’s not a real conversation.  It’s a prerecorded message to deflect away from the real chaos behind the wall.  The truth is we don’t know how we feel about the times mostly.  We can only accept or deny.  I accept that I am about this life I have wandered into.  And I face the consequences everyday.  You keep bumping into the same wall, you find a more comfortable way around it.  That’s freedom.  And freedom is a shrinking resource in atrophy.  

Before you catch me telling you that freedom is a muscle, let me flex a little.  I built my first computer in years.  Most of my previous equipment has come from my job.  Working from home the last few months has blurred a lot of lines together.   So building my own was an experiment and a hobby.  I’ve spent so much time here that I’ve had to rethink the space.  I bought a humidifier.  A robot vacuum.  And this computer I built from parts over weeks.  The monitor never made it sadly.  And I didn’t bother with anything other than a refund.  Last night I added three violet pink led fans to the chassis.  I still think I need the liquid cooling action.  I haven’t really been in the mood to play games lately.  But I have been making the space I have more efficient.  And I think when it comes to freedom in America, it is something we share.  It is also something that can be abused.  And it is something that must be defended if it means something to you.  And defense is an art in and of itself.  Bruce Lee once said that you should be like water.  Fela Kuti once fought against British colonial forces in Nigeria with music.  Freedom is happening all over the world in varying contexts and through various optics.  Walking with peace and love in Chicago is not a block by block thing.  It’s not even a street by street thing.  It’s in the steps you take.  The exhausting repetition of deescalation.  The dodging of hurt feelings.  The gentrification on the heels and wills of the middle class property owners.  The questioning looks you get when you stand your ground on things you feel you should not have to discuss or reveal.  Every single time I try to be free I feel my back being pushed up against a wall.  People who never have the time or care to listen to me tell me what they think about me.  This projection of how they want to see me.  Their fear talking instead of their heart.  People are afraid of me.  Have always been afraid of me.  I used to be so sensitive to it.  Think there was something wrong with me.  That I was ugly.  That I was weird.  That I was too old.  That I was too young.  That I didn’t stoop down to their level.  That I felt free enough to ignore them and continue on.  And then there’s the freedom that gets misinterpreted.  That gets caught up in a larger discussion that goes nowhere.  That isn’t led by anything except the news and commercials.  That isn’t a real conversation with feelings that ebb and flow.  That there is no compromise.  No seeing of eye to eye.  No response other than a prescripted greeting card slogan of our love and support.  I don’t say much.  I just live it.  I will say one thing.  I love you.  I get an answer back every time I walk down the street these days.  It’s shaded pink.  Maybe one day I’ll project it in the night sky for you.  For now you’ll just have to read it on the internet.  Because you already know I’m about that life by now.  Until next time, I will continue to be.  <3 Tim

[packratblog-blog1]

Hong Kong 🇭🇰

Hong Kong is a unique beast. It’s two sets of sharp teeth stretching high into a vast and often humid sky, skyscrapers and high-rises compete with each other for height, space and architectural magnificence, glaring at and taunting each other across Victoria Harbour. Beast is a term that gestates two major connotations; majestic and wild. It’s not a term that I choose to use lightly, but the images and ideas it fosters in the mind are completely relevant. This is a place that is a living, breathing contradiction…in the best possible sense. Hong Kong is Western yet firmly taking its place in the East, has one of the highest per person per capita densities on the planet, and yet has an insane amount of park and green space (surprisingly only 25% of its land has been built on!), these being just two basic examples. The beast is fascinating. Situated on (and off) the southern coast of the Chinese mainland, Hong Kong is made up of islands, in fact there are at least 200 of them, with Hong Kong Island and Lantau Island being the largest and most territorially significant. As well as this Kowloon Peninsula and the New Territories also make up the areas connected to the Chinese mainland, all in all constituting what we today call Hong Kong. You may be left asking a common question by this; “Is Hong Kong Chinese then?" …My answer is a frustrating one; it’s a yes and a no, and it’s giving an answer on this that the history nerd in me is really my best ally. Hong Kong’s full and long-winded name is the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region of the People’s Republic of China. So by that definition, yes, it’s Chinese. However, the Special Administrative Region aspect is really important. This means that Hong Kong is given autonomy from Beijing and up to a point, governs itself. More questions. The next logical one is why then is it separate from the rest of China and why does it have this special status? As is the answer to many historical, geopolitical lines of questioning, the short answer is, “the British.” Britain colonised Hong Kong at a considerably late point in the grand scheme of its colonial history and governed the territory consistently between the end of the Second World War and 1997. It is this aspect of Hong Kong’s past that makes it the unique beast that we know and love today. From the 1970s onwards Hong Kong’s unique status and decreasing need for British rule gradually paved the way for what is widely known as ‘The Handover’, and on July 1st 1997, sovereignty of the city was given back to the Chinese. Hong Kong’s considerable cultural, financial and political differences to China are all aspects of Beijing’s decision to give autonomous leeway when negotiating the Handover with Britain and establishing the city-state afresh for the future. In the wake of The Handover, today Hong Kong stands as an economic powerhouse, a bridge between East and West, and in terms of further human standards, as a beacon of the future; it boasts the planet’s longest life expectancy for its residents. So yes, Hong Kong is a beast. However, it's entirely possible to love a beast, beasts are fascinating. Mike Tyson had his tiger, Slash keeps a few hundred snakes apparently and numerous Bond villains have had sharks and stuff. Beasts, while not docile, comfortable pets like rabbits or kittens are unique and wild, they’re lovable because they’re as interesting and as unpredictable as hell. It’s for that reason that this post is a love letter. I love Hong Kong. Hong Kong just works, it’s an unbelievable place that’s a testament to human efficiency and co-existence. When Hong Kong’s population (approximately just under7.5 million people as of last year) is compared with its land mass (of around just under 3000 square kilometres), the number crunching tells you one specific, standout fact; that’s an insane amount of people for an insanely small place in comparison). It’s despite this population density, the planet’s fourth largest (more on that in future posts), that Hong Kong really does just somehow work. Traffic is an issue but not in the same way as it is in other major global conurbations, the people follow rules such as walking on the right side of the pavement/sidewalk to alleviate congestion and they follow jaywalking laws to a tee. The city’s fantastic metro system (the Hong Kong MTR) is clean, efficient and consistently modernised, it can get you to any corner of Hong Kong and it even runs on time! (I’m from England…google ‘Train reliability in Britain’ if you want to find out more about why I’m amazed at trains running on time). And while I’m singing the praises of Hong Kong running like highly modernised, mechanised clockwork there is still that amazing unpredictability that sets my teeth on edge. You can walk along one street with gleaming, modern skyscrapers, your nostrils filled with the scent of Char Sui buns from local street vendors, then turn a corner and be surrounded by quaint Chinese streets filled with Buddhist temples and the smell of incense hanging in the air. It’s unique: It’s modern, it’s steeped in history, and it truly is like nowhere else I’ve ever been. We’ve both been endlessly excited to get back here and it still holds a tonne of new experiences and insights for both of us that we just can’t wait to get our teeth into. Can you tell I’m hungry? Yep, the food’s unbelievable too. With all of that in mind, let's get started on some of my favourite things about Hong Kong... AREAS/PLACES TO VISIT: - Victoria Harbour: The harbour can be seen from either side and whichever way you choose it's always impressive. Arguably though, if you had to choose one or don't have time for both, visit the harbour on the Kowloon side around evening time. If you're lucky (and depending on the time of year) you'll get to see the skyline in the daylight and after a slight wait of an hour or so you'll get to see it lit up for the evening (at 8PM there's a light and sound show each evening which is mega impressive!) I love Victoria Harbour, I believe that if I saw it every day it still wouldn't become something that doesn't blow my mind. - Garden of Stars: Get the MTR to Tsim Sha Tsui and two minutes away is Garden of Stars. This place is very cool, it's Hong Kong's equivalent of LA's walk of fame. Rather than the stars in the pavement/sidewalk, Garden of Stars features handprints and monuments from some of HK cinema's biggest names. The coolest part though? They have this amazingly detailed Bruce Lee statue that really, if you're a martial arts fan, you've kind of GOT to make the voyage to see! - Victoria Peak: Yeah, it's a tourist thing to do but even if you're the kind of person that hates that you should still 100% make the trip up. I'm a skyline and building nerd, and to be honest, besides from the Kowloon side of the harbour, nowhere else in the city gives you a better view (with so many different angles) of HK's unreal skyline. Again, you never get accustomed to that view, it melts my mind. Ocean Park: You won't often find me visiting many theme parks (not out of dislike, I just don't tend to!) However, Ocean Park is very cool. It's equal parts theme park (with rollercoasters and other rides), stunning island-to-sea views, an extensive aquarium and a pretty big outdoor zoo. The best part...they have pandas, and it's unbelievable to see them up close, it's worth a trip just for that. Since I last visited HK last October, Ocean Park now has it's own line on the MTR, which is much easier than the previous bus that was required to make the journey. - Big Buddha Monument: Definitely the largest Buddhist monument I've ever seen, it's situated at the top of a mountain and it's amazing. There's a great cable car trip up there which provides some great photo and video opportunities up over the bay. - Ten Thousand Buddhas Monastery: The name sums this one up, it's a hike to get up to the main area of the monastery but the whole way is lined with SO many different Buddhist statues. There are even more at the top where you're also rewarded with great views and some really cool temple buildings. - Kowloon Walled City Park: I get these weird things that I become fascinated by and I end up doing endless research on them...Kowloon Walled City is one of them. The Walled City was a former shanty town which occupied a full city block on Kowloon Island up until as recently as 1994 when it was demolished. It may sound boring, but I saw a documentary on it years ago and became amazed at it's ramshackle, improvised stacked-up architecture. Google it to learn more (as I could go on for ages about this)...it truly is fascinating to consider how the place became a city entirely of it's own. Since demolition in the mid-90s, the city block it once occupied has been transformed into a lush, tranquil park which acts as a great relief from the hectic pace of HK for the locals. To visit was very cool, and it was unbelievable to stand in the centre and imagine the place going back 30+ years. FOOD: Before I start this, I want to state that Hong Kong's food is magnificent. I'd argue that the city is worth visiting just for the food alone (it's that good!) While this isn't an exhaustive list because I could go on forever, this is a list that I've tried to include some different options and price ranges... - Cafe de Coral: It sounds French, it isn't. Cafe de Coral is a large chain in HK. They provide phenomenal Cantonese food with the efficiency of McDonalds. While it's great at any time of the day, what I love about Cafe de Coral is that it's always busy, it's always full of locals which speaks volumes for the food. It's also a good cheap option which makes it great for backpackers and other budget travellers. - Maxim's MX: MX is much like Cafe de Coral and have sprung up all over the city over the last year. It's extremely similar to Cafe de Coral in both the food served and the mode of service as well as price. It's worth visiting both at some point though, as they both have delicious signature dishes of their own! - Tim Ho Wan: There are a few of these phenomenal restaurants dotted around the city. We recently visited the North Point location (a few times, I have to admit), and it's hands down the finest Dim Sum at a reasonable price in Hong Kong, I can't recommend it highly enough. Hong Kong gets more and more interesting and exciting each and every time I visit, we'll be back to visit in a few weeks time. Before that though we cross the border into a place I've always been fascinated by: mainland China. Hong Kong, we'll see you again soon...Shenzhen, we'll see you even sooner!

[faycobjones]

Relevance in Rap Music / Staying Power

Stories of Rich Boy, Eminem, El-P, Cardi B & Many Others...

“Gator skin seats call be Dundee”

I first heard Rich Boy’s “Throw Some D’s” in a convertible on my way to a middle school baseball game I was slated to pitch.  I made the song my own, D’s were no longer shiny car rims, or fake titties, but strikes in a ballgame.  The song and I maintained a mutual admiration for each other as it had its long late 2006 summer run to the top of the charts and my baseball team won the championship.  Thinking back on the song now, those memories are still vivid.  Time capsule music sound tracking an important summer for me.  The memories created that summer won’t fade, but Rich Boy’s memory already has.  Staying relevant in hip hop has always been tricky.  It becomes more of a PR game than a music one and some rappers can’t adapt.  50 Cent, arguably the generation’s most charismatic hook maker filed for bankruptcy, while DJ Khaled, a man who doesn’t have a verse to his name, is working on his 11th studio album (the 10th one went platinum.) Hmm…

Most rap veterans have mastered the art of maintaining relevance with or without releasing quality music.  Ice Cube’s success at the box office and Dre’s commercial endeavors are just a few instances immediately coming to mind on the no music entrepreneurial scale.  Legends continued to push genres to new sonic heights (Lou Reed on Yeezus), while others subtly stopped by to let you know they still got it, adding to their legacy even in a time of crisis Fuck that 0-8 shit.  Other rappers maintained relevance from releasing quality music.  A lot of the quality I’m referring to came from independent rappers.  El-P, Definitive Jux label CEO and Run the Jewels maestro helped perpetuate that movement releasing quality independent rap music featuring talented artists at a prolific rate.  Underground rap had MF DOOM, a few other critical darlings while radio had their ignorant crunk hits while most of the other one hit wonder rappers who couldn’t stand of their own two feet fell off.  

This left Eminem, the most successful rapper of all-time in a bit of a limbo.  His 3 album run over the course of early 21st century shook music to its core.  His music took home multiple Grammys while the United States Government tried banning its release.  Pissing people off, using TRL to infiltrate the impressionable minds of suburban white America, and cementing his cred as one of the greatest emcees, it did exactly what he wanted.  Eminem is still relevant for that specific greatness, evoking an unforgettable moment in music history.  But that moment, his infamous performance of The Real Slim Shady at the 2000 VMAs was the one America would never forget.  The moment where millions of Catholic mother’s watched their sons rap back horrific lyrics to a man who looked just like him.  I remember the look on her face.  In 2000 the track was catchy, polarizing, funny, compelling.  In 2018 the track comes off differently.  It comes off cartoonist and filled with played out cultural references about Tom Green and the Discovery Planet.  In 2018, ‘The Real Slim Shady’ is still featured as a concert centerpiece.  In fact, Eminem hasn’t played a headlining set without it since its conception.  Eminem was performing  fans no longer interested in rap music.

Countless rappers have came and went since that summer I first heard Rich Boy in a convertible.  I actually caught myself daydreaming about the recent relics of the unforgiving genre.  Ironically, Iggy Azalea came to mind.  “These expensive.  These is red bottoms, these is bloody shoes.”  Suddenly, I stopped wondering about whether or not Iggy Azalea pawned her Ferrari yet.  Just like Rich Boy 12 years ago, in a very similar situation, Cardi B demanded that I give her my undivided attention.  She seemed so sure of herself, both equal parts untamed and vulnerable.  She was oozing charisma through the speakers.  To me, it was a one listen record.  This was the song of the summer.  

Her attitude amplified after knowing a bit about her.  Cardi B has worked shit jobs, stripped for money, seen dark days, familiar with hard times.  Her uncanny ability to use that as her superpower is something to behold.  I’ve never seen such unadulterated authenticity on social media, TV… anywhere.  She parlayed her viral tabloid presence into rap superstardom.  Many have tried and failed.  No one was Cardi B.  That same individuality is on full display on Invasion of Privacy, her debut album released on the back end of the success of Bodak Yellow.  Invasion had far more to offer than just the track 4 club banger take took over summer radio.  The album was curated with a meticulous perfection.  Cardi was given all the time in the world to showcase why she belongs in the best rapper alive conversation with the draw dropping ‘Dreams and Nightmares’ inspired Get Up 10.  Well placed features also took some pressure off her, adding texture and substance to an already scintillating album of wit, style, and craft.  The Drip beat was made for Migos, Chance the rapper was the perfect ray of sunshine in the albums midsection, and SZA was the perfect touch on the standout closing track ‘I Do’.

Cardi B is a household name in an arena that doesn’t support too many women at once.  Cardi seems to have all the makings of a rap star with staying power.  It’s been about year since she’s ‘Came Thru Drippin’.  Since, she’s been nothing short of ubiquitous.  She is currently working on a follow up to her successful debut release.  The first single, appropriately titled ‘Money’ underperformed on the charts.  Whether or not we will see a fourth and fifth Cardi B album remains to be seen.  When it comes to women in rap, the odds are against you.  Remy Ma, Eve, and Lil Kim have never released fifth albums.  Nicki just dropped her fourth.  

    It’s imperative that Cardi B maintains the formidable cred she’s established as a lyricist.  Being able to body you on a verse is essential to her mythos.   Music has to come first, but outlasting relevancy for Cardi may come in a different form.  Already, she is teaming up with T.I and Chance the Rapper to host ‘Rhythm and Flow’ a Netflix show similar to the Voice but for aspiring rappers.  Cardi will be a judge, and judging by her past transgressions she’s going to have a lot of ridiculous shit to say, most of which will make a bizarre amount of sense.  Relevance in hip hop is not channeling your inner bars or how long you can go without taking a breath.  It’s about recognizing you’re a great rapper because of your idiosyncratic take on the world.  Young Thug’s take on language.  Cardi on giving good blowjobs.  Outlasting relevance for Cardi B relies only in her hands.  She hustled her whole life.  We just might get album #5.  I wouldn’t bet against her.

Jake James

[helloworlddemo1122-yahoopar-blog]

Bryce Dallas Howard on Fertility Struggles and How a New Zealand Healer Helped Her Conceive (Exclusive)

Bryce Dallas Howard was just 5 when she awoke in Queenstown, New Zealand, and gazed out enormous windows into a stunning, awe-inspiring vista. Accompanying her father, director Ron Howard, while he filmed Willow, she was wowed by her first glimpse into a world outside her American homeland, and the powerful moment would stay with her for years to come. But little did the wide-eyed youngster realize that the nation would one day have a profound impact on her journey into motherhood.

In a revealing new interview with ET, the Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom star is opening up about the health struggles she faced in her 20s and how the country helped her start a family, find solace and make a life-changing decision to leave Hollywood.

Born in Los Angeles to director Ron Howard and writer Cheryl Alley, Howard was educated on the East Coast, going to school in Connecticut and New York and later attending New York University's Tisch School of the Arts. She eventually returned to Los Angeles after her film career took off following her debut in 2004’s The Village.

It was at New York University where she met actor Seth Gabel, whom she would date for five years before the two got married in 2006. Soon after getting engaged, the couple found themselves facing major hurdles with their family dreams. “I was really struggling and having some challenges,” Howard says. “I learned that I was going to need minor surgery in order to conceive. Then my friend had an appointment with a New Zealand man, Papa Joe, who would come over once a year and stay in this incredible house in Topanga Canyon, where he and his folks would heal people. I was sharing my woes with my friend and she said, ‘They’re leaving tomorrow, you should take my appointment!’”

The late Maori elder was a well-respected healer who traveled throughout the U.S. and Europe helping people and released a book in 2006 about his spiritual methods. Howard took the opportunity, but walked in with doubts about how much his practices could help her. Yet, within seconds of arriving, she recalls feeling the “powerful” nature of his practice.

“Instantly, without me saying anything, he saw what was going on and explained the situation,” Howard recalls. “He did very physical, rigorous body work, and there was a midwife there who helped me breathe through the experience.”

Howard and Gabel married on June 17, and seven days later, Howard learned she was pregnant. “We weren’t even trying! His session healed me completely,” she says.

Shortly afterward, Howard attended her first midwife appointment and noticed a photo of Papa Joe on the wall, only to find out that he had died six months earlier. “I was so grateful that I got to be a part of that last group of people who were treated by him. I’ve always felt a great amount of indebtedness and thankfulness,” Howard says, revealing that when she returned to New Zealand 30 years after her first visit to film Pete’s Dragon, “I kept thinking, ‘I would love to visit the group to say thank you, even though Papa Joe is gone.’”

While staying at the Treetops Lodge in Rotorua for her 34th birthday, Howard, now a mother of two, signed up to get a Romiromi massage, a holistic Maori body treatment. “I was telling the Maori gentleman my story, and as soon as I said, ‘Papa Joe,’ he just lit up and went, ‘My teacher!’” she recalls. It turned out that Papa Joe had trained him. “It’s funny how I was 24 when he treated me and this encounter was on my 34th birthday, 10 years later.”

While Howard is eternally grateful for the healing rituals of the country’s native Maori people, her joy was temporarily jolted to a halt with the unexpected turbulence that swept through her life after welcoming her son, Theo, in 2007. The Black Mirror star has openly discussed her battle with severe post-natal depression and, in a blog written for Goop  in 2010, she shared how she “heaved uncontrollable sobs,” referred to her newborn as “it,” greeted Gabel with expletive-filled outbursts and frequently broke down in the shower during her first 18 months of motherhood.

Reflecting on the emotional roller coaster and irony of having struggled on her path to having a baby, only to plunge into depression once she did, Howard says she frequently felt like her mind was playing tricks on her. “It was the worst! You think the one thing you’re going to be able to control in life, to a certain extent, is your own feelings, especially when it’s so obvious what you should feel. But all of a sudden, I went through this experience, which was truly chemical. It absolutely changed everything, and it’s just horrifying. It’s like your heart, your body and your mind are ripped apart and it takes a while to piece it back together.”

Eventually, a homeopathic treatment plan, a mothers’ group and Brooke Shields’ memoir Down Came the Rain: My Journey Through Postpartum Depression helped her recover. “It’s been a journey, but I’m really lucky because I had a second pregnancy [with daughter, Beatrice] where I didn’t experience that, so that was also very healing for me,” Howard says.

The biggest lesson from the ordeal has been to give herself timeouts. “When I think back about what I would have done differently [while suffering with PND], I would have given myself time and space to be alone and process and have some perspective, whether that’s 10 minutes in the bathroom -- well, it shouldn’t just be 10 minutes in the bathroom, but that’s what it ends up being!” Howard says.

Bryce Dallas Howard seen in front of the Tāne Mahuta, a giant kauri tree in the Waipoua Forest of New Zealand.

Julian Apse

“In a way, that’s what New Zealand has felt like for me and for a lot of people I talk to,” continues the actress, who was named New Zealand Tourism Ambassador to the United States and Canada in 2017. “You get that moment to step out of the fray, good or bad, and be in a place where you’re nurtured, replenished and brought back to your center. Every single time I’ve gone there, I’ve felt totally restored. It’s a very healing part of the world and there’s just a lot of people who live there who are very happy -- and that’s infectious!”

It was while living in dreamy spots like Mount Maunganui, during filming of Pete’s Dragon, that Howard started noticing a shift in her children, which instigated her and Gabel’s recent decision to leave Hollywood. Theo was almost 7 and Beatrice was 3 when the family left behind a Californian winter to wake up to summer in the South Pacific. “Right off the bat, the kids were like, ‘What kind of magic is happening here?’”

Quickly becoming immersed in Kiwi life, the impact of their new environment became evident as the family settled into their new seaside home, where the children soaked up “tropical summer living,” and attended a local school. The family relocated to a farm in the South Island town of Tapanui, near Dunedin, where they reveled in country life and relished every inch of expansive open spaces.

Having spent her childhood running around the woods of Connecticut, Howard was frequently sentimental about her own youth. “Both environments we lived in were very different, yet the similarity was that connection to nature and that sense of being in a sanctuary. They just became wild, happy, fulfilled kids, who were tired and dirty at the end of the day. It sounds overly simplistic, but I felt that they were safe -- so then they felt safe. And that feeling really empowered them as young people to explore, have adventures, walk a little further out of the yard than they normally would, climb a tree and follow through with curiosity.”

With her kids being closer to nature than they had ever been before, Howard encouraged them to be free. “It woke them up and made them excited to go outside,” she says. “That’s something they haven’t let go of, and seeing them in that environment hugely inspired us to move out into the country, because I saw how much they blossomed.” Now back in the United States, the family left Los Angeles for upstate New York, where they’re now living in the countryside.

Of course, it’s the dinosaurs stomping into theaters in June that many fans are most excited about, and having reprised her role as Claire in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, Howard promises the film will wow in a way the franchise never has before. “There’s something happening on Isla Nublar putting all the dinosaurs’ lives in jeopardy and Claire and Owen go to save them. The story really goes in a direction where the franchise has never gone before -- ultimately, taking these dinosaurs off the island.”

While she's tight-lipped about plot details, Howard did admit that Claire is sporting more appropriate footwear in the new installment, which is even better for outrunning dinosaurs. But what really prepared the actress for all that intense filming and dino-chasing were extensive hikes in New Zealand. “My favorite active thing to do is to hike. It’s not just about keeping fit and preparing for the film; for me, it’s also about de-stressing. When I’m hiking, it gets me back to a very grounded, healthy, centered place,” Howard says.

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[jillmckenzie1]

Jump Up on Stage

One of my idols is Julia Child. Brilliant cook and charismatic personality, of course she was. She was also tall and gawky and quite homely. She bloomed late in life, doing nothing of public note for the first fifty of her many years and not exploring romance until her mid-thirties. She stumbled onto the passion of her professional life, French cooking, as the stumbled toward her 40th birthday. I relate to all of this late-blooming and awkwardness. Especially the bits about being tall and gawky. *insert self-deprecating eyeroll here* I love cooking and could write another column about that (hint, hint, OnDenver editors!). The stumbled-upon passion this column talks about is not cooking, though; it’s performing.

I grew up with the conviction that my “back talk” and general smart-alecness were bad things. I spent a fair amount of my childhood with soap in my mouth because of them. Eventually, I learned to pack them down tight into a box and never, ever let them percolate up to the surface, thus eliminating a whole lot of sinfulness. I later discovered that sin is a ton of fun. Improv is the stumbling block that threw me off the wagon of righteousness and into the pit of iniquity that is self-expression through the performing arts.

I signed up for my first improv class in the hopes that learning to improvise social skills (I had none at the time) would help me salvage a rocky relationship. In fact, it did the opposite. Being taught that my contribution to a relationship mattered and that I should speak for myself were NOT values that that domestic partner appreciated. The relationship quickly ended and I fell in love with improv and improvisers instead.

I didn’t set out with the intention of finding an improv class to improve myself. I happened across a Groupon offering a discount on beginner-level improv classes and a light bulb went off: I should do this! I nervously attended the first several weeks and was just starting to feel ok about talking out loud in a group when the instructor announced, “Be here early next week; it’s our first performance.”

Performance?! Like on a stage?!?! In front of strangers!??!!??! I had not expected this.

I picked through my wardrobe and selected the shirt that I thought least likely to exhibit epic pit rings. I also went to the drugstore and bought a HUGE stick of prescription-strength antiperspirant whose label claimed to keep me dry as the Sahara for a full 72 hours. I slathered my armpits from the tip of my elbow to the bottom of my rib cage. I sweated a lot anyway. I can barely remember the performance itself.

This was seven years ago. I no longer flop-sweat before shows and I’ve learned how to turn “back talk” into actual jokes. I’ve become a different person that I was back then. I speak with my own voice and have slowly begun to think that I have worth. This may seem like a lot to attribute to a couple of improv classes, and of course it is. But those classes were the genesis of a new self, a new life, a whole and healthy person.

Thanks for staying with me through that self-indulgent romp into my own history. I only bring it up because it illustrates why I so firmly believe in the power of the arts and why I avidly support getting everyone into them! After thousands of hours on stage and in writing rooms, it sometimes is hard to remember how intimidating (and sweaty) it was to walk up to the mic for the first time. Or the third time. Or the tenth time. I love watching newbies shake and stammer and then walk off stage with a huge grin plastered ear to ear because the rush is just that good. Accordingly, I would like to share a few ways for you, dear reader, to dip your toes in the waters of performing arts!

There’s two ways to get started in anything: take a class or just plunge in. Summer is a great time to try out some classes for a variety of arts. If you want to try a group-based, relational form, go for improv!  I highly recommend Jon Jon Lannen’s class series coming up this summer. It teaches short-form improv, a style based on fast-paced jokes and games. (If you’ve ever seen Whose Line Is It Anyway, that’s classic short-form improv.) Jon’s a fantastic improviser and all-around good guy with a knack for making newbies feel comfortable and confident. (He also does private coaching and some other fun stuff, too.) You can even use my own first-time pathway via Groupon!

If you just want to try a tiny nibble of improv to see if you might like to do more, try attending a jam. A jam is where bunch of unaffiliated improvisers gather together in the light of the full moon to bathe in the blood of comedy virgins. Just kidding. We get together to play with new people and old people we haven’t played with before. I wrote last week about the Ladies’ Jam and a while before that about Barkley’s. These are both still running and you should totally jump in and play!

If talking in front of people sounds a little dodgy to you, you might enjoy the non-verbal circus arts, like aerial dance, acrobatics, juggling, etc. I haven’t talked too much about my life in circus and acrobatics, but physical training has also been a big part of me becoming me. Gravity Aerial Arts has great introductory classes, as does the Moth and the Circus Collective. If you’re more into the hand-based circus skills, Up Down Circus, helmed by the incomparable Warren Hammond, world juggling champion and bon vivant, offers juggling, diabolo, poi spinning, and more (for kids, too!)

For neat-whiskey initiation to comedy, you can’t beat stand-up. (To continue my sweaty confessional, the first time I did stand-up, I wrote my notes on my hand and then held that hand over a fan to keep from sweating the ink off while waiting my turn.) The Mercury Cafe hosts Diagnosis Hysterical, a monthly (!) open stage for women only, which is a fantastic idea! (Of course, men and others are welcome in the audience.) The Merc also hosts another open mic on Wednesdays for musicians, comics and magicians of all genders. The Denver Bicycle Cafe also has a no-pressure open mic for newbie (and seasoned) comedians on Sunday nights.

Of course, the classes and workshops I recommend here do not mandate that you go up on stage. You can certainly take the class for the skills and fun and decline to perform, but I encourage you to try it. Take a deep breath and step out there! The stage is waiting for your voice!

from Blog https://ondenver.com/jump-up-on-stage/

[surveysonfleek]

472.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 21

1902. What takes your breath away? traveling somewhere for the first time and seeing a view of the city/nature. 1903. What did you do today that you regret? buying shapewear without trying it on first. Will you ever do it again? probably. 1904. Is happiness something to be achieved and sought after or is it something to be retained and held onto always, no matter what happens? i think it should be held onto. i can always cheer myself up a bit by thinking of a happy memory. 1905. Would you rather live in a world of perfection or do you like the world the way it is? i’d have no idea what a world of perfection would even be like.

1906. Is a frightening world an interesting world to live in? i don’t think being scared of your safety/life is ‘interesting’.  1907. What gives people depth and character? their past, personality, skills. 1908. What band, together or not would make you want to JUST FLY after seeing their show? idk. 1909. Speaking of flying, can you fly? no. How do you know? Have you tried? no. 1910. Recently a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich in which some people saw the image of the Virgin Mary sold on ebay for $10,000. What do you think of this? eh, so stupid. 1911. Who is the next person you will hug? probably my boyfriend. 1912. Where was your last vacation to? usa. 1913. Where was your last car ride to? home from the mall. 1914. Where was your last bus ride to? from work to home. 1915. Where did you last walk to? around the mall? 1916. What is the worst band in the universe? idk. 1917. What is the next book you want to read? i haven’t decided yet. my kindle is filled with a ton of books so i’ll just choose among them. 1918. What are the 3 most useless items on the planet? haha idk, i’m sure there are uses for everything. 1919. What gives you a peaceful feeling? knowing everyone i love in my life is happy and okay. 1920. Do you ever stay up late watching infomercials? back in high school yeah. Did you ever BUY anything from an infomercial? nope. 1921. Are you a light sleeper? not when i’m really tired. 1922. Are you a toys R us kid? not really? i loved looking in there as a kid though. 1923. Are you part of the mile high club? nope. 1924. Do you like: pina coladas? i don’t mind them. getting caught in the rain? no. yoga? never tried it properly. intelligence? yes. making love at midnight? making love at any time. health food? only if it tastes good. champagne? i hate it. the feel of the ocean? sometimes. 1925. What was the funniest way that you ever misheard the lyrics to a song? i used to list these down as a kid, but for some reason i can’t think of anything lol. 1926. What have you never seen anything lovelier than? idk. 1927. Have you ever painted on a: wall: yes. ceramic: yes. painting: yes. model: no. sun catcher: no. face: yes. body: yes/ 1928. If you believe in heaven are there seperate heavens for different animals (kittie heaven. dog heaven, bird heaven, etc)? who knows! 1929. If you could build your body from scratch using the parts from different celebrities who would you combine? rihanna’s everything. 1930. If you could build your perfect match from scratch using the parts from different celebrities who would you combine haha idk. 1931. Avril Lavigne or Michelle Branch? avril.  Vanessa Carlton or Britney Spears? britney.

1932. When you sleep next to someone do they fall asleep first usually or do you? my boyfriend, always. If they do, do you watch them sleep? nah, it’s just normal now lol. 1933. How many people have a piece of your heart? my boyfriend. 1934. What are your day dreams about? life. 1935. What is your usual breakfast? leftovers. kinda bad. 1936. How quickly are you willing to take drugs to numb pain? not quick at all. 1937. Finish this sentence. I pity the fool that: idk. 1938. Can you think of three adjectives that DO NOT apply to you even a tiny bit? ignorant, small, stupid. 1939. What do your salt and pepper shakers look like? no shakers, they’re just in whatever we bought them in. 1940. When was the last time you hurt yourself? it’s been awhile. gym i think. 1941. Would you rather never have to sleep but also never be able to dream or just leave things as they are? leave things the way they are. i love sleeping. 1942. Have you ever had your car towed? no. 1943. Have you ever used kool-aid to dye your hair? no. 1944. Would you rather be naked and famous or dressed and non-famous? dressed and non famous. 1945. What band or singer do you believe started rock and roll? not a huge rock fan, so idk. 1946. Think of an object that is shaped like your body: coke bottle. hahaha nah idk. 1947. If you had a large black vase-pot-thing in your house what would you put in it? flowers. 1948. Where would you like to live when you want to start a family? not sure. definitely not too far from my home now though. 1949. Would you rather live in the city, suburbs or the country? suburbs. 1950. Were you parents born by the year 1950? no, my dad was born in that decade though. 1951. Would you ever participate in a 'sock hop'? no? 1952. Once there was a green house and inside it was a white house and inside it was a red house and inside it was a bunch of little brown babies. What are we talking about? Solve this riddle. i have no idea lol. 1953. Have you ever built something? yes. 1954. What is the hardest thing to face each day? work, if i’m working that day. 1955. Who's voice irritates you like fingernails on a blackboard? a couple people actually. none that i’m around too often. 1956. What is your favorite plant? flowers or an avocado tree hehe. 1957. What simple things in life do you appreciate? unexpected compliments. 1958. Have you ever read a book by Tom Robbins? no. 1959. Are you more of a maker and giver, or a taker and user? giver and user. 1960. What do you contribute to society? not much. 1961. Do you take naps? only if i haven’t had enough sleep. 1962. Do you have any cavaties? yes. 1963. What is the difference between art and fine art? i couldn’t answer that. 1964. Do you believe that there has been a man on the moon? yes. 1965. What music makes you so happy you could burst? haha none at present. 1966. What do you think of the band They Might be Giants? idk them. 1967. Would you ever go into a sex shop? i’ve been once with friends out of curiosity . 1968. If you had to choose would you rather go into a sex shop with your mom or your dad? omg... my mum i think. 1969. Do you buy holiday gifts early or at the last minute? i’m going to buy them early this year. i must!!!! 1970. What do you want to do today? i already have plans. 1971. You see a girl in a long ruffled off white dress carrying a bag painted with a sunflower and playing a ukelele while twirling around the cafeteria. What is your first reaction? free spirited. Could you become friends with this girl? i could become friends with anyone, it just depends if our personalities click or not. 1972. Let's just say your school team is on a winning streak. One of the cheerleaders cheers both for your team and the other team during games. Does it make you angry? it depends how patriotic i am about the team. One day you ask her why she does it and she says that, "It's just so much fun, no matter who wins." What do you think of that? that’s cool. 1973. Do you laugh when there is no joke and dance when there is no music? no. 1974. What would the perfect pair of socks look like? those invisible socks, preferable black with the right amount of softness and fit. 1975. What is the longest you have ever gone with out sleeping? over 24hrs. it was hell. i was at work. 1976. Have you ever had a halucination? i don’t think so. 1977. Are you generally happy? yes. 1978. Are you a sore loser? sore winner? neither tbh. 1979. Were you an 80's baby? nope. 1980. What's in the room with you right now that you can't see? ha ha funny. 1981. Do you ALWAYS thoroughly wash your hands after going to the bathroom? ok not always, if i’m half asleep and need to go bathroom i’ll probably just go straight back to sleep. i’ll always wash my hands at work or in public places though. 1982. If someone else were to describe you what would you hope they would say? she’s smart, kind and beautiful. so far from the truth lol. 1983. What is the sound of one hand clapping? ask a crowd to do it. 1984. You are filling out a 5000 question survey. What would you rather be doing right now? holidaying someone nice. Why aren't you doing it? i can’t afford it right now. 1985. Do you prefer carnivals, festivals, circuses, parades or fairs? carnivals or fairs. 1986. Are you useful? i’d hope so. 1987. Are you a: bitch/bastard? probably. lover? yes. child? no. mother/father? no. sinner? yes. saint? no. 1988. What is the dirtiest habit you can think of? a sex addict that has unprotected sex with random people. very dangerous. 1989. What kind of person will you ABSOLUTELY never date? someone older than my dad. 1990. What were you doing at ten fifteen last saturday night? working. 1991. Do you ever need 'quiet time'? nope. 1992. What are you made of? blood, water, bones lol. 1993. What does 'you are what you eat' really mean? idk. 1994. What was the last thing you counted? these questions to see how long i’ve got left. 1995. Do you think it is harder for a parent to outlive their child or for the child to lose a parent? child to lose a parent. that would suck. 1996. Do you believe in psychic ability or is it a sham? i think it’s bullshit but whatever. 1997. What is your favorite classic rock song? bohemian rhapsody. 1998. Who are you anyway? me. Are you your resume? pretty much. 1999. When are you the most insecure? going to events with friends i haven’t seen in a long time. 2000. Who would your fantasy threesome involve? my boyfriend and avan jogia.