#also the actual circumstances that lead up to the healing was the dumbest thing:

[spiritsong]

aune just healed astarion and said, “I’ll kiss it better later”… excuse me

sobbing but also jumping off the walls but also giggling and kicking my feet

[forever-waiting]

“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. ”

One 

You were my first that I explored with in my mind,

I would think of scenarios, walks along the beach and holding hands for the first time. 

It was the birth of technology and so I would pine,

over the two of three photos of you that I would look up online. 

I would see you afar occasionally... once or twice a week,

but you curled by my side every night before I fell asleep. 

It was innocence and pure, the first ever rush

that came after puberty, my first teenage crush. 

Two 

You were the first crush I befriended, now I was thirteen 

although we talked on the daily it was only behind the screen. 

I think I liked you and happened to start chatting through circumstances of chance, 

but the feelings grew stronger as our friendship advanced.

And so the oddest occurrence would happen everyday, 

I’d see you in the distance and I would run away. 

For I was too scared too shy to face what had grown, 

yet I would be so excited to talk to you as soon as I got home. 

I remember when I was in Italy, in the back of the car,

My parents had followed the GPS and it had taken us afar. 

We’d strayed from the highways and into the countryside fields,

and the shades of pink and indigo were dancing on our wind shield. 

I was tired of reading Percy Jackson and my little red mp3,

so I would do my third favourite car activity and begin to day dream. 

I’d dream of you injured all bruised and alone, 

and how I was the only one who to, your emotions would show. 

I would heal your worries and distract you with a kiss, 

and you’d forget all your sorrows and wish for more moments like this.

I’d dream that you’d fight with the first one I liked, 

I dreamed that there was a brawl because you didn’t treat me right.

and in this particular scene you ended up behind bars,

whilst I tended to my first’s fresh wounds and scars. 

You were the first I ever thought about in that way, 

For the first time I craved someone’s sweat in my dreams and in the day. 

I even recall I casted a spell, 

hoping you would feel something for me as well. 

I remember your picture hidden in the corners of my room,

and I would perform a ritual and pray to the full moon.

I remember I wrote your name on paper in the shape of the heart, 

and for days my good luck charm I could not stand to be apart. 

I remember one day when you were under the weather, 

and you were going out shopping with your family together, 

and I asked you to bring a jumper so it wouldn’t get bad, 

and when I found out you disobeyed my request I had honestly never been so mad. 

It’s crazy to reminisce now and realised how much I cared back then, 

but it’s probably because of this, that I so easily for you gave up my best friend. 

I don’t know if it’s too late but I just hope that you never ever throw away, 

that brown plushie hong kong souvenir we hastily and discreetly shoved in your bag that hot summers day. 

Three

You were my first crush that I originally saw only as a friend, 

I didn’t care about you much and ignored your efforts on msn. 

I remember you were particularly affectionate and I found it weird,

that you would hug me and proclaim your love for me so openly and without fear. 

Of course this was platonic and just your innocence of the day, 

and I took advantage and lead your trust astray. 

I very much do agree now when you recall about being so naive,

but a little part of me breaks when I remember it was me that broke you first and had you deceived. 

I don’t remember why the flip switched on that particular day,

but I remember lying down on my bed and saying no way no way no way. 

I actually made a pact to myself for you not to be next, 

but ironically and unfortunately it only became more complex.

You became entangled in one of my best friends, 

and out of jealousy I started gossip and attacked your weak defence. 

I hated the ideas of my world colliding, 

and I didn’t want to lose either of you to each others romanticising. 

And when you found out... the immense faith you had in me,

was forever lost and is probably still somewhere out at sea. 

It was a very tough road from then on,

because despite fucking up my feelings were still strong. 

In fact they kept getting stronger I think I liked you the most,

so so so much that as opposed to the previous... all the small moments I had would not be able to fit into this post. 

I remember that for years after I would chase for your love,

and despite you trying your hardest in our friendship it was never enough. 

I would ask for you to express your love for me like you did back in the old days, 

and say how much I preferred it when you liked to play. 

I remember that one day I realised i was in so deep,

that I let you know that I had to cut you off I was so weak.

You were so confused and kept pestering me why, 

and you said you’d pester me everyday until I returned to your life. 

That moment hurt the most because I wanted so bad to tell you the truth, 

but I couldn’t, it was for the best, for the best for you. 

You gave me so much sorrow, but there were moments of joy sometimes.

I’d text you good morning on the days I’d wake up with you on my mind. 

Our friendship was definitely the most invested, there were endless ups and downs, 

you even coined it our rollercoaster, this ride we had found. 

It’s why you know me so well now, and could tell the signs of Four, 

you told me you knew it was coming and that you’ve seen it all before. 

I just wish that as a friend I was so much better to you, 

because I don’t think you’d trust me ever again the way I now trust you. 

and I know that somewhere those broken pieces are still lost at sea,

and maybe even someday they’ll drift back to me.

and I’ll come back and return them and apologise,

and you’ll find your innocent self again come back into your every day life. 

Four  

You were someone I was friends with for years until things changed, 

You’re also the first that’s capable of feeling the same way. 

I first found it exciting to have you as a friend,

to have someone not in any of my friend circles was a godsend. 

With you it was different, I found that I could be my true self.

I’d tell you everything, make symbolic jokes and trusted you in wealth. 

One day I found out the jokes had made a relay, 

into one of my friend circles and they confronted me. 

I told you off and was on edge, but had faith in our trust.

But you kept repeating offences and so I stopped telling you stuff. 

It’s sad because I think I never trusted someone more,

but i’m good at cutting people off so I showed you to the door. 

Years went by we stayed in touch but only small chat, 

somehow you got friendly with a circle and made your way back. 

You grew some extra interests that collided with mine,

and so naturally we talked and hung and spent together much more time. 

Once again I didn’t really care I had the upper hand, 

You don’t have a lot of friends and I totally knew that.

We played by my rules and I barely compromised, 

and when we fought I’d happily ignore and you’d always apologise. 

But somewhere after one of these fights something started to change, 

eventually I became sad that you were ignoring me. 

We made up as usual and everything was alright,

but I suddenly started noticing that to me you were super nice. 

I always genuinely appreciated when you helped me with big tasks, 

but I started realising the small things that you did when I never asked. 

I remembered that one time after another one of our fights,

for the first time in my life someone rocked up to my house on the day with a gift to apologise. 

I started to feel again and it had honestly been years, 

but I was so scared of this precious friendship that had come back, i had so many fears. 

Usually I would let it develop and see where everything would go,

But I was tired of feeling heartbreak and unrequited so I didn’t let them grow.

Reflecting it was the dumbest move but I didn’t want more sad memoirs, 

so to “save” this friendship I decided I would self sabotage.

It was the first time I confessed, it was the first time I let the other know,

But I killed it immediately saying how I hated how these feelings so. 

What happened next was not as smooth as what I thought it would be,

I thought i’d be held accountable and the feelings would deseed. 

I was immediately propelled into stages of grieving for these feelings, 

It was probably a bad idea.. my way of dealing. 

I was being spectated on my socials whilst I would mourn,  

you read this very blog... my inner thoughts of forlorn. 

I tried my hardest to keep to objective to keep the friendship preserved,

but you had so much control over every state of being and emotion in my reserves. 

I started posting things that I wanted you deliberately to see, 

I wanted you to see despite not your fault, how much you were hurting me. 

It was definitely unhealthy and I’m happy I followed eventual advice,

to cut you off cold turkey and blocked access to take a break from you in my life. 

It’s funny as the weeks went on... I got better and I thought I was ready to unblock and start interacting again soon 

and found you had behind my back thrown me into the middle of this typhoon. 

You showed my messages, this blog and sent them to our mutuals who didn’t know, 

made them take your side, made fun and mocked me in your grandiose show. 

It’s funny that after I had a long awaited talk with them they realised, 

about your scheming ways and your victimised disguise. 

There were many things you did along the way that hurt me honestly,

but none of them compare to this, this is treachery. 

I changed my blog and blocked your accounts so you lost the last active part of me, 

and you’ve still been caught stirring seeking attention even recently. 

What hurts me the most is not the unrequited feelings, it’s our friendship...

When I think of you randomly now It always starts off warm and then I suddenly feel sick. 

How can one have feelings for someone who hurt you so much like this,

How can one think of being friends when I was backstabbed on your lips. 

I always knew you lacked emotional intelligence and that’s why you don’t have many friends,

but I didn’t think you’d break trust this deep, so deep it’s hard to amend. 

I saw you at a dinner at a celebration the other night, 

I spent the whole two hours at war, avoiding your gaze and your sight. 

I stole a few glances it was impossible not to do, 

and I left without saying a word without saying a word to you.

I left the car from my friends and they could tell I was feeling down,

they gave me words of support and strength and it really helped my frown. 

I wonder what would’ve happen if I stayed behind for drinks,

would you have approached me and would we have tried to discuss these broken kinks. 

You were one of my closest friends last year and It’s crazy to think how much has changed,

I know i’m not still better yet so I don’t know what else to say.

I’m still sad when I think of you but now I am enjoying and focusing on my life again, 

I don’t know when or if we can still be friends. 

FIVE ?

I’ve only had four serious experiences, and none of them requited.

and from this book/film I found some inspiration ignited...

to revisit them and see how much I originally had to give,

I’m only 22 and my heart has worn out through every experience it’s lived. 

I originally thought I was a devoted hopeless romantic and would hope things to eventually look up, 

but surely at this rate by five or six I will be bankrupt. 

[renaroo]

Double Time (11/24)

Disclaimer: Red vs Blue and related characters are the property of Rooster Teeth. Warnings: Language, Canon-typical violence Pairings: Tuckington, Chex Rating: T Synopsis: [Hero Time Sequel] After the events of Hero Time, the city and Blood Gulch are prepared for the true return of superheroes in a big way. But while Washington is attempting to adjust to a new relationship and a new living arrangement, the call of new heroes and a new mayor mean major changes for his professional life as well as his personal one. How will the balance of values fare when his new partners come to test everything he’s made of.

A/N: Long time no see, I apologize so much but I needed to take some time for a really tough situation and it brought me back to a thunder, hopefully giving you something enjoyable in the process!

Special thanks to @analiarvb, @secretlystephaniebrown, @notatroll7, @thepheonixqueen, @ashleystlawrence, @a-taller-tale, @mercuryblacksleg, @thesolesurvivormichael, @icefrozenover, @washingtonstub, and Yin on AO3 and tumblr for the wonderful feed back! I truly appreciate it more than you know.

Young Just Us

There was an ache to his bones and his joints that was leading Washington to wonder what sort of side effects his miraculous healing thanks to Doctor Grey may have had that she had neglected to inform him of. Or, at the very least, that she had informed him of but was lost in the quick speed at which every other bit of information she had given him and Tucker. 

Which was also making him regret telling the doctor that it was fine to share confidential information with Tucker in the room since, well...

“It’s too early for you to be out there! Did you forget that you almost died? That that Locus dude is still on the loose? Oh my god, you want me to just stand on the sidelines through all of this like some dudesel in distress! Joke’s on you, Wash! I’m no Church!”

A certain headache was growing right between Washington’s eyes that was making him reconsider the importance of everything.

“From my understanding, Church had some helpful advice to give and a few inventions,” Wash mused, crossing another rooftop despite having to hold a phone to his ear.

“Did you just say I’m lower than Church?” Tucker asked hysterically. “I’m... wow, I’m beyond offended.”

“And if that’s what I had meant, you should be. Fortunately for all of us, I actually was--” Wash stopped talking when he saw the next checkpoint coming up. “Tucker, I have to get back to this. You can yell at me later.”

“Oh, boy, can I yell at you later. I have enough in me to yell at you for the rest of the week!” he all but threatened.

“Right, love you too,” Wash said, pulling his phone away to hang up just as he could barely hear Tucker say What did you just say--

As much as he hated hanging up on Tucker (which he honestly didn’t under the circumstances but it was easier to tell himself that), Washington had other responsibilities to attend to. 

Like the sound of polka music gradually increasing from the distance with minor explosions and a few street lamps falling over not far behind it.

Starring expectantly at the distance, Wash took a deep breath and checked the time. 

Slower and just as destructive.

It was like they hadn’t been running this drill for weeks or something. Washington, with all his aches and groans in check, was slowly losing his patience with the young recruits. 

... and with the gleefulness the Reds took in causing more damage than absolutely necessary for their drills. But that was another battle for another time. 

Seeing the Reds’ jeep rounding the corner and coming onto the end street with his pupils nowhere in sight, Washington took drastic action and leaped down from the rooftop.

Aimed just right, Wash managed to land right between Grif and Simmons and onto the front console, causing the two to scream like banshees before realizing it was him. 

“Whoo, Wash! You sure know how to make an entrance!” Donut called from the back before turning toward Sarge. “Sarge! Load me up.”

“Firecracker engaged,” Sarge said gleefully before planting said firecracker in Donut’s hand.

“Wait!” Wash called out only to be drowned out by Donut’s screams of fire! before lobbing the firecracker. “Okay that’s enough! Too much public damage for one night!” 

“You said that tonight we weren’t stopping until those young’uns finally put an end to our reign on the streets themselves!” Sarge reminded him, beginning to hand another firecracker toward Donut.

“Yeah, which we basically took as free range from now ‘til the end of eternity,” Simmons added.

“Your call, dude,” Grif reminded Wash. “And if you dented anything in my car for cool points swear to god I’ll instruct my sister to make Tucker’s shifts living hell for the next few weeks. We’ll see who’s got the best payback--”

“Yeah, that’s going to be a real change up from what’s going on right now,” Wash remarked. “And I’m going back on my word. This ends now before the entire block goes up in smoke.”

And with that pronouncement, he grabbed the firecracker from Sarge’s hand and grabbed the gear shift and put them in park, which nearly sent all of them flying. 

“Holy shit, what the fuck, that was the dumbest, what the fuck, you’re trying to tear up my car, fuck fuck!” Grif cried out. 

“Please, your fifth member is a mechanic,” Wash responded, breaking the firecracker over his knee as he jumped out of the car. He then did a full double take on the team. “Wait... where is Lopez?”

“Señor Brown in public, Fancypants Hero!” Sarge barked back. “We use codenames in this crew.”

“Right, whatever, where is he?” Wash demanded. 

“On a daaaate,” Donut said gleefully. “I’m so proud of him. He’s come so far!”

“Alright, enough of this,” Wash said, waving his hand and walking toward the street where the out of breath heroes were coming their way. 

The young heroes nearly tripped over themselves as they cam barreling toward the Reds and Wash. Almost immediately, however, upon seeing Wash they all stumbled to a halt, grabbing their knees and heaving. 

“So... so close...” Jensen gasped. She then flinched with the others as Palomo wheezed and hit the pavement in a massive body flop. 

Wash temporarily glanced toward Palomo before looking to the rest of them. “No. You weren’t close. You weren’t even in the same ballpark as close and we’ve been running these drills repeatedly for over a week now.”

“Blargh!” Junior argued, the only one seemingly not out of breath. 

“No excuses,” Wash argued, holding up his hand to stop the rest from joining in. “There is something about the dynamic of this team that needs to be tweaked. Something small, that if changed, would make the difference between mediocrity and excellence in your futures.”

Palomo, pushing himself up off the pavement, tilted his head in enthusiastic surprise. “You think we’re mediocre now!?”

“No,” Wash said with a scowl. “You’re on the road toward being that way.”

Bitters glanced to the rest of the team and then back to Wash. “Okay, I can’t be the only one who finds that insulting, right? I mean, I know we suck, but what kind of teacher admits it to us out loud?”

“The best!” Andersmith called out excitedly.

“Me,” Wash answered more directly.

“Who is the best!” Andersmith continued. 

“Well, if we’re on the road to mediocrity... isn’t mediocrity like halfway to decency? So can’t we just continue on it?” Palomo asked curiously.

“No, that’s not how we’re doing this,” Wash said. “We need direction. We need--”

“A leader.”

The voice sent a shock through them all, causing everyone to turn on their heels to face its origin. And, sure enough, Wash found himself facing his former saver and apparent fellow city hero, Felix. Smiling wide and invitingly. 

“How did you sneak up on us?” Wash demanded.

“Guess all you attention was directed elsewhere,” Felix shrugged as he walked closer to the young heroes. “Happens. Anyway, is this the young heroes that Kimball was telling me about? Training them up or something? Heard it was her idea. Guess your retirement was more eminent than I realized. You should’ve let me know if we’re going to be partners here, Washy.”

Washington couldn’t help the way his nose curled. “Washy? Really?”

Felix didn’t seem to even acknowledge the comments as he strolled over to where the young heroes were finally getting to their feet. They seemed more than impressed with his appearance, and were even bothering to dust themselves off and smile at him.

“Say, you know what this team is really lacking that would make all the difference in the world?” Felix asked.

“I was about to explain to them the new training regiment that would address that,” Wash said thinly. “Confidence-building exercises which will independently aid their growing comfort with their own powersets so they can learn new applications of them.”

“Ugh, so long and so boring,” Felix laughed. “We don’t know how quickly these natural-born heroes will be needed! It could be tomorrow!” The young ones gasped. “It could be today!” They gasped even louder. “We have to have the men prepared, don’t we?” 

“Um, and lady,” Jensen piped up with a timid hand up as if she was in a kindergarten classroom.

“There are no immediate preps for becoming a superhero,” Wash argued. “And these kids are not going into the field any time soon.”

“What!?” the kids all cried out at once while Junior honked. 

“You’re the barrier for entry?” Felix snorted before giving an exaggerated smile to the kids. “I think the whole country saw why that’s not exactly a high bar.”

Feeling the twitch return to his eye, Wash got in Felix’s face. “Right? And what exactly is your idea that would get things turned out sooner?”

“What you need here,” Felix said, rubbing his chin as he looked over the group, “Is a leader. And who better to be the leader than your most promising future hero?”

Everyone straightened up, delight in their eyes, but Wash could see that Felix’s gaze was only on one junior hero. 

And that junior hero happened to be Junior.

Wash tilted his chin back. “Oh no.”