#also thats for something i know ill use every day for decades

[pollackpatrol]

i wish the pen company would stop sending magazines to my house bc i always look at it and go Oh i neeeed a $700 pen. 1. no you dont 2. if you got it you wouldnt use it you’d use the $20 pen your aunt got you 5-6 years ago

[vaingod]

What are some of the things you've noticed about these middle class city gays and their lifestyles? What are some of the things that stood out to you the most that is completely normalized? Because I see these pretty gay boys from the global north on Instagram and how perfect and white their teeth are, iPhone, MacBook, nice restaurants, nice gyms, holidays, expensive clothes that look very plain but you know that plain white t shirt was somehow $100 to me its like when Katniss sees the people in the Capitol and I just can't relate...especially since theyre all so skinny and pretty and have nice things!

Ok im saying this all as an immigrant thats lived here for a decade and still experiences this disconnection between city gays. Its the money, its always the amount of money they are comfortable throwing away on tech like you said but its more than just some rando city person buying themself an apple product once every 3 years or something. In order to live the life that you noticed these people tend to live you need 1 of the 2.

1. Rich parents. Most city gays that you see on Instagram are these. They usually go to school or have a job like one day a week type deal but they dont worry about rent or bills ever, no number on paper scares them to say the least but they are also really weird about you paying back like coffees or miniscule shit.

2. Are in debt. Most of my friends that are middle class are this

Like i wont forget meeting this girl through a drag actor friend of mine and she was cool and one of those all pink people so we vibed nicely until she started pulling up pages and pages of clothes and shoes and furniture that cost more than ive spent my entire life and talking about all the things she wants like a bratty child and i was losing my grip on reality before she talked about her hot pink custom paint job porshe and how her dad payed for it all cus she wasnt gonna drive a boring straight car. Like this attitude specifically is what drives me up the wall cus as someone whos jumped to and from alternative scenes a big appeal was making my own accessories and clothes and fucking shit up and looking trashy but alluring to other people like me. even when i went through my fem diva phase i exclusively thrifted vintage clothes to embody a 60 year old diva i didnt spend hundreds of dollars to look good?? My 90s thrifted furcoat ive worn for 7 years cost me 10 bucks.

As for middle class or poor gays that are in debt that keep going in debt to allow themselves the luxuries that they see gays with (their parents) money can allow themselves, i feel like its a very complex social dynamic that isnt easily explained by poor prople are allowed nice things or everyone deserves luxuries. And its harmful however its explained because very often the sentiment from middle class gays in regards to overspending obfuscates what a luxury is, not a few times have i heard from gays with debt "if i had the money i would take a private jet everywhere i wouldnt give a single fuck if i had access to things that rich people had I would use them just the same or more"

Class division is really like that tho, id compare it to how middle class suburbians dont want better public transport and shut any finances that go into it cus they dont want poor "suspicious" people coming to their neighborhoods. And that shut down of public transport only hurts them and their community but they do it anyway. Ill say it outright most middle class gays in debt that do everything to spend money to live a fantasy of not being in the same social class as poor gays are doing so intentionally.

[quantum-bliss]

Day 10 of Heartbreak

Revelation. Yesterday I wasn't sober. It took being intoxicated for me to see who I was. This entire time I only side one side of things, which lets me know the truth was far from me. The truth is now closer to me than any of the other days.

Day 1 and Day 2 of heartbreak are missing from my writings, they are missing for a reason. It was my anger that made me severe our relationship and I could not possibly write what was I feeling in that state of mind. It would be evil to even put such words into the universe.

Fast forward to now, I realize how deceived I was in my initial heartbreak. I truly believed you had become this awful who cared nothing about the 5 years we spent together. I felt like you did everything just to hurt to me. Now I know I was nothing but a fool to believe such a thing.

Truth is, you triggered something in me that I havent seen in myself in a long time... vulnerability. Vulnerability can mean alot of things, but for me ill define as being in a position to be hurt.

It had been so long since I allowed anyone close enough to hurt me. Not one friend, not one lover, not one family memeber could get to me. I hid myself in plain sight, never sharing too much, never depending too much, never opening my heart too much, and never being vulnerable.

So when you finally did something that hurt me, it was as if the safe world I had spent so long building had come crashing down. I felt everything all at once. Every disappointment, every betrayal, every loss, every rejection, every pain I hid from myself came rushing in.

I had no where to run, no where to hide, no where to find safety. The wall on my heart had been compromised.

Even worse, somewhere in my mind I felt like I was waiting for you to slip up, just so that self-sabotaging voice could say 'see I told you. You cant trust anyone.' This is what I meant when I told you that you are not fully responsible for what I felt. My heart had been broken a million times before you, but so has yours.

I finally realize this why most people have such dysfunctional relationships. We are all suffering from decades of internal bleeding. Instead of addressing our wounds, we keep reaching out and hoping someone or something will heal us. But, in the end, we just end up hurting the people we love and hurting ourselves.

Now I understand the meaning of love hurts. It has nothing to do with love actually hurting, it is the fact that we are so imperfect that theres no way were not going to hurt each other when get close to another person.

You and I were both broken when we met, we were just broken in different ways. I cant judge you for your form of brokeness, nor can I judge myself. Since we know at some point we will get hurt, I guess its up to us to decide in what ways are we okay with being hurt and what ways are we not.

Anyway, today I calm. I feel confident in my future. I am not angry, sad, distracted, or numb, I just am. I thought the day my heart stops hurting would be the day I began to forgot you, but thats not true. In fact, I think I love you more now than ever. That is because, for the first time im my life I am beginning to truly heal. My heart feels healthier and more capable of loving, which means it is also more capable of forgiving.

I am beginning to forgive both your actions and my own, and even those who hurt me before you. I wish you had met this version of me, but im just glad I am meeting this version of myself.

As always life changes daily, but for the first time in this treacherous cycle of heartbreak, I can truly say im glad this happened. I hope one day you can say the same.

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

You may remember me from such films as "You Will Never Be A Woman", "Your Skin Is Thicker and Rougher Than That Of Woman", "Your Pores And Connective Tissue Are Arranged Differently From Those Of A Woman", "Your Bone Structure, Including Jaw, Brow Ridge, And Hips, Is Obviously Male", "You Have A Man's Hairline", "Your Ring Finger Is Longer Than Your Index Finger", "Your Navel Is Above Your Waist", "Your Body Stores Fat Differently Than A Woman's Does", "Your Saliva, Sweat and Urine Contain Male Pheromones", "You Are Biologically Incapable Of Menstruation and Pregnancy", "Every Somatic Cell In Your Body Contains The Y Chromosome", "Children Are Confused When They See You", and who can forget: "Your Parents Will Use Your Real Name When They Bury You".

I gotta agree with you on almost all of that, my real name is actually unisex, i didnt change it. Graves also dont say male or female on them, and with my friends and family being loving and accepting im not worried about it. That is if im even lucky enough to get a grave with a headstone, those are expensive and well, I'm a millennial and I don't wanna leave my family with a shitload of debt. When i die ill probably be cremated and sit in an urn on a shelf for a few decades, or ill be spread about in some place i loved during life. Its funny, i actually dont want to be cremated even though its the cheapest option in my country. If i had complete control over my burial all id do is make a deal with a farmer, and ask to be buried "raw", wrapped in an all natural hemp or unbleached cotton sheet, and have a tree planted over top of me, that way i can fertilize it, and have a bench placed nearby, and a dirt footpath leading to me so that my family and friends can come see me for a "visit" after im gone. Thats what id like, and to be honest I'm more worried about being embalmed and buried with a body full of embalming fluids and preservatives thatll pollute the nearby enviroment in a casket thatll do the same, fuck that shit!!

But yeah no, like I said I agree with you on most of that. I don't deny the truth and live in a fantasy land of denial and such. However the second last one is untrue, adults have a harder time with it than their children do, and thats if they even give a shit, because most of society doesnt. In 3 years ive never once met somebody with genuine hatred for me in real life. You people seem to only exist on the internet, and you people are a very very small minority. Like i said, nobody in the real world cares, they're all too busy living our own lives and understand that people like me exist, and it isnt worth the time out of their day to bully me and put me down. But back to the one thing I dispute about what you said, the children! Now children aren't confused when they see me, because they see a female. Why? Well, after 3 years of hormones and some laser hair removal i dont look like a man, I don't look like "something" in-between. They see a woman, albeit taller than average, I'm well past the point where parents have to explain anything, I blend in in public places. People don't know unless they've known me for a while or i tell them. So yeah no, there's no confusion when children see me. Hell my mom and I went out tonight looking at stereo equipment at a few different stores and it was "may I help you ma'am?" and such.

So uhh yeah, I think you may be the one who's confused...

On a side note:

Before I came out I was very transphobic and hyper masculine because I figured nobody would expect me to be trans or gay or anything else if I showed hate and acted hyper masculine.

So that brings up the question, are you trying to bully me to distance yourself from who you truly are? Are you confused and/or hiding something deep down that you know to be true? Coming out isn't as traumatic and hard as some folks make it out to be. It is what you make of it, I was scared shitless until I did it, and i didn't lose any friends, get disowned by my family or go through any bullying in real life. Everything I feared never happened. In fact it was the opposite, I found my social circle and my family to be encouraging and happy for me. I was extremely depressed with my gender identity, my body, and in general, I was just so depressed. So when I took the plunge and finally did it, after 7 years of debating and planning, i truly came out of my shell and into my own. I was happy, free, and my mental health stabilized and got better! I had hope that things would change, that I wouldn't be stuck, trapped in a body that disgusted me for the rest of my life. It was slow, like I said it's been 3 years and 2 months since I started hormones and such. But in year two I started seeing the person I always wanted to see looking back at me in the mirror. Around the same time society started seeing me as a female too. It was a slow transformation, but I had hope that I would get to where I'm at now, and well here I am lol!

So yeah, next time you go around trying to shit on somebody for living their best life and doing something positive for themselves. Look inside yourself, and ask yourself why you feel the need to bully somebody for who they are? You might realize something, that it comes from jealousy, a feeling of failure or self hatred. This "ask" says alot about you and your own insecurities. So yeah, when the time comes and you've figured out why you feel the need to bully people, just know that I don't need an apology or anything. I'm not offended, instead I feel bad for you, and I hope you can find peace within yourself one day before its too late...

Sorry about the novel sized answer, I just felt it was necessary.

[batarangsoundsdumb]

guess fucking what? my inbox is so fucking full right now i'm unloading all of this shit in one post.

For the 11th gotham memes: gothamites react to bruce being jacked in a tiktok he made with kids, like super yoked, ripped as hell

fucking hilarious thanks. i think i did it in one meme post, but i genuinely don't remember which one

i dunno which of the batfam would do this but one time i was sleeping over at a friends house and ended up on the floor bc the bed was so very small and i just stayed there because the rug was soft

that's a drunk jason move i don't know what to tell you

tim and jason are "i listen to pop punk" solidarity. whenever jason highjacks the batmobile theyll go on long ass car rides blaring mcr and paramore and then never talk about it again

as they should!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tim: no jason it's my turn using the aux cord i gotta put on my jams jason: don't you dare put on weird shit tim: don't worry, you're gonna love this *plays fearless (taylor's version)

hear me out hear me out, red hood stans 🤝 nightwing stans t h i g h s

holy shit yes.

SNL au: Bruce breaks character when pretending to superman and says something like "I'm not superman! You've seen his gps!! It's from 2001!!!" @sabeanybabe

superman flies past the snl building the next day just to say 'actually it's from 2005, i'm not a heathen'

does your back hurt from carrying the batfam fandom

it hurts more from the exotic rock collection i keep in my backpack, but thanks for the concern.

I love your posts by why would you always leave the best parts in the tags?

as a treat for the people that check the tags ;) (and also because i'm committed to the short post aesthetic)

somehow your playlist was everything i never knew i needed. i mean it. this is my new favorite playlist.

and don't you dare get a new favourite playlist!

babe ur stoner tim playlist is exactly too perfect, earth is literally blessed by ur existence

babe thanks so much! i love my stoner tim playlist because it's just my usual playlist but people think it's an artistic choice that i put taylor swift and britney spears in there, when it's just what i unironically like listening to

JANDKSKDK BILLY RAY CYRUS ON THE STONER TIM PLAYLIST I LOVE IT IT

again it's not even an ironic choice, i know every single word and i genuinely like the song

The last chapter of Fundamentals of Casework has me crying at work. Thanks I love it @dudelookitsalesbian

oh babe, i'm sorry, but also, not sorry i love chapter 4 so much it's my lovechild with the 'mental illness' tag

soooo....stumbled on your tumblr by some stroke of fate??? read your DC fanfic first. which is PHENOMENAL btw. then found all the batmemes; the funniest thing EVER bc everyone forgets about regular old gothamites. kept scrolling and your blog pops up as recommended. clicked on the ao3 for shits and giggles and waddaya know?!?!? it's YOU!!! you're LEGEND!!!! ever seen that meme? it's a video of a cat that got into a baseball field and the two announcers get really invested in his escape attempt and start giving a play by play of the cat instead of the game. memeable moment: "GREAT stuff from the Cat!!!"

i seriously think about this ask every single day and it's so fucking funny to me that i've never seen the meme you're referencing, but i still find myself going 'GREAT stuff from the Cat!!!' whenever i see something funny. but wow i'm glad you liked this steaming pile of garbage

Fav dc character overall? And fav batfamily character?

don't ask me to pick between the loves of my life, but i can tell you i've cried about every single batfamily member and also wally west (my beloved)

What's your opinion on fans having a problem with batfam being "too big"? And some even claim that batfam is just "Bruce Alfred Dick Damian" and the rest of them are just "friends and allies" (source: reddit) Personally, I like batfam because of this reason but idk

stupid. a family can never be too big. i'm not that big a fan of like huge batfam stuff with everybody from every single universe, because as much as it's funny for bruce to have like 30 kids, it just feels a little too OOC for me.

This is the best tag I've seen involving the batfam, thanks for thinking of it

This is canon now @nctxrejects

lmao yeah i think at that point alfred has had to sit through like at least a dozen coming out talks and just has a pride flag collection in the attic that he pulls out whenever a kid comes out

idk why batfam hits different as compared to any other superhero family

bc it's found family and usually the other superhero families are almost all genetically related in one way or another

I don't know if you watch the umbrella academy but I saw your last post about batcest and saw the similarities. But the thing is (although I think it's weird) in TUA, they addressed it by saying "they were raised as weapons, not siblings" or something along those lines, which is simply not the case with batfam.

yeah i watched tua but i also thought it was ridiculous and they still treated each other as siblings so i didn't like the luthor/allison thing, and am glad they stopped doing that shit bc it fucking sucked.

Hot take: Batcest shippers are the same people who believe adopted siblings are not actual siblings

smoking hot take: batcest shippers are the people who watch 'my sister got stuck in the washing machine' porn

Duke was adopted by Bruce?

not technically no, but do i, tumblr user batarangsoundsdumb, look like i care?

True story but I had to change my freaking name because it used to be "Damien" and most people would go "OH LIKE DAMIAN WAYNE" like please I'm just tryna live

true story, but i don't actually think of damian when i hear the name damian, literally the first thing that pops up is damian darkh like bruh what?

apparently dc comics company supported comic stores by giving out new titles and stuff during the beginning of the pandemic to help them run and I just think that's wholesome

ah yeah that's so fucking cool, still don't like dc, the company, because this world is a capitalist hellhole and we're all owned by warner brothers or disney with no in between.

ayo looking at tumblr head canons and finding out bruce is actually a terrible father is a punch in the gut

lmao yes, in like 50% of comics bruce is a terrible father and it gives me whiplash

oooh I just saw the jason todd vs winter soldier post and the real question is: batman vs iron man

while iron man has like hundreds of cases of armor, batman could throw out an emp and have the guy dropping out of the sky in 2 seconds.

dickfast = fastdick = quickdick = quickie

magnum hot take

hey bata(?) just thought I'd let you know I have copied the obnoxious emoji and Billy Ray post for use on simping men going forth

thank you 😘🌷 (@spacebarsidecar)

why would you do that to your followers???? i get why i did it, but why would you???

what is scarecrow made the nightwing funko pop himself, like those diy-ers that paint over other ones

oh god no, horrible take, horrible take, that's a disgusting thought oh no

I see your HC that Bruce and Oliver fucked and raise you this: Dick and Roy ALSO fucked

yes they did and it was a horrible moment for jason to find out dick has fucked both of his best friends

"at this rate bruce adds like 1 child to his family every decade or so" Duke is introduced in 2013, Damian as Damian, not as an unnamed child, in 2006. And he is already 14 years old, Robins rarely remain Robins after 16 😬 It looks like a new Robin and Batkid will appear in a couple of years

i mean i can't wait? but somebody will probably die first tho, we're due for another major character death. my money's on either cass or duke this time.

BRO you're so right all of your Bruce's ex headcanons are amazing but they aren't ships, that's kinda wild. Like I don't want any peeks into how their relationship was I just want to see everyone make fun of them

lmao YES it's just i love bruce being a slut, like good for him.

I am in love with your posts your honour thank you

omg thanks are we like,, gonna kiss now?

The justice league needs to have a meeting to discuss how many of their members/partners have slept with bruce. Because through a combination of cannon & fannon (if DC wasn’t homophobic) we have AT LEAST: 1) clark 2) lois 3) oliver 4) dinah 5) john

Thats not counting villains or random civilians @dudelookitsalesbian

yes yes yes, they'll have a yearly meeting about how many of their collective exes could be out for revenge and batman's list just keeps getting longer.

tim was like "i'm drake now" and everyone was like ahh so your fursona is a dragon and tim was like pffffft no. ducks.

and what about it?

when steph's fighting livewire and she zaps her with lighting and nothing happens and then they both just. stand there awkwardly for a second and talk. yeah i couldn't stop laughing at that batgirl steph is the BEST

oh yeah that was fucking hilarious and i think it would be so cool and sexy of dc to give steph a little comic series,,, as a treat

Hi I absolutely adore all of yours "Bruce and Oliver very badly pretending they didn't fuck each other" memes

lmao i do too

I need you to know that “Bruce Wayne had frosted tips” is one of my favorite Bruce takes of all time it’s so galaxy brained. you’re right and you should say it

he also painted his hair blonde once when he was travelling and in conclusion, this is why he's being blackmailed by the gotham gazette.

you know my thing about gordon being branded as the only good cop in gotham is its a load of shit like arguably he's a good person and not working to screw people over or anything but the fact that he also works w. batman makes him a shit cop. like yea batman is better than the mob but its still illegal its still an abuse of power he just not making bank

babe, all cops are bad cops. (but yeah youre absolutely right, working with vigilantes makes you a shit cop, but also working against vigilantes just makes you an asshole cop yanno?)

ruh roh i think i’m about to add “so not yeehaw” every time i don’t like something

that's a very good vocabulary upgrade

somehow i feel like steph already knew. like babs obviously knew but i feel like bruce got high/drunk in front of steph and started telling his boarding school stories and steph was just like “oh you fucked up i’m never gonna forget this”

steph and bruce have weird uncle/rebellious niece dynamic and they just hang out sometimes and bruce will be like 'i once broke my arm when i tripped over a hedge when i was drunk so oliver drove me to the hospital on an electric scooter' and steph will just have to sit there with that knowledge in her head.

Hello I just wanted to tell you you are So right in all your steph opinions bc she is, in fact amazing and I think that's very sexy of you. Ps. Your Bruce/Oliver fic is hilarious

babe, thank you so much and yes steph is amazing and i love her and she deserves the world and she's the best member of the batfam hands down. also thanks

In Supersons we see a couple of kids that are implied to be Damian and Jon's children and the boy has laser eyes and can fly, so I asume he's not adopted. The girl, who calls Bruce grandpa, can also fly, btw. So it's canon (probably by accident) that Jon can have kids and he must have married one of Bruce's kids. (I'm hoping for Damian, mostly because any other of his children would be waaaaaaaaaaaaay too old.) @artemisa97

lmao that was probably an accident seeing as jon is a 17 year old superhero in the year 3000 (by the jonas brothers)

You know, I'm a die hard fan of your memes, but I gotta say one thing: if Gothamites actually took gas mask everywhere with them, then the Scarecrow would just be a weird dude in a weird costume, and not a villain oh so scary. DC really should just takes notes from you.

bold of you to assume there's no gothamite anti-maskers

How does it feel being the funniest person on this app?

horrible, next question.

I can't listen to Green Day or Billy Joel without thinking of your post about how Bruce got arrested at a Billy Joel concert @nightwings-kid

yeah that's your mistake, i on the other hand can't enjoy billy joel without thinking about the glee rendition of 'uptown girl'

I've FINALLY been watching the Batman animated series and I gotta say, after watching "the gray ghost" I am CONVINCED that Batman is a closeted super hero geek who was 100% freaking out the first time he met Superman and is just REALLY good at hiding it.

superman: so what do you do in your free time? batman, thinking about the superman fanfiction he's writing on the batcomputer: i have no free time

bruce and oliver be like boyfriends to co-workers 401k (do the justice leagues get 401ks??? not that bruce and ollie would need them, but-)

lmao yes just 400 thousand words of bruce realising 'oh dip oliver is such a fucking dumbass' (also i don't know what a 401 k is but i assume they don't?)

Gothamites would totally boo superman as he saves Gotham while batman is out. @meenje

he's like 'okay think about that next time you want to be saved from an alien octopus'

I just took long break from dc comics and I come back to see ric grayson ??

i think it's very cool and sexy of dc to see dick and just think 'you know what? let's just give him a traumatic brain injury' and then didn't develop his character in any real way

SPEAKING OF RIC GRAYSON, gothamites making confused memes out of ric grayson is much needed

'dick grayson is my taxi driver? can anyone explain what the fuck happened he looks like an italian plumber?'

i hate to say it but batfam are def "marvel characters" in that sense they are characters who are human but become superheroes unlike most dc characters who are gods trying to be human maybe this is why I like batfam

fair enough

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

Ultimately in general, do you think Paul is into men? Or like do you think he tried something with guys?

(I just wanna take 2 seconds to say that ive been taking painkillers recently, and although they’re pretty mild, they still leave me a bit disoriented. So if im talking utter rubbish - that seems out of the ordinary to usual nonsense - that might be why)

In my ever so humble opinion, I don’t think Paul is bisexual/gay, and ill outline my main reasons for believing he is straight:

1. Paul has stated that he is straight, and has never claimed to be bisexual/gay

Paul has been known to lie in interviews, and with him being an 80 year old man, whose been married 3 times with children, and is one of the most iconic, beloved and respected figures of the 20th century, it is understandable why he might want to keep his bisexuality concealed (assuming that he is bi). Its a lot of pressure to put on one person - and if you include the addition of him having a relationship with John, thats even more pressure. If he were to reveal he had a relationship with John, he would be all alone in that declaration, because of course John is not here to stand with him. Plus, he’d be changing the entire narrative to the Beatles breakup; and id assume that if him and John did have a sexual/romantic relationship, there must be parts that were messy, and mean-spirited. We know how dark the breakup was, even without the involvement of sex/romance. Paul tends to resist talking about heavier subjects, so I think an interviewer would have a lot of trouble discussing sexuality with Paul. So of course its possible Paul could be lying, and he has a reason to; but I do think that his word is worth something, and the fact that he has never identified himself as being bi is still something worth accounting for. It doesn’t have to be end of every discussion concerning Pauls sexuality, after all, there were times John appeared to claim he wasn’t bi, but its still just a factor to consider.

2. The lack of rumours concerning Pauls sexuality

When it comes to John, we have the word of several people to account for his sexuality (eg. Yoko, Pete Townsend, David Bowie) - and even John’s own words validate this. Of course, John could’ve been kidding with every comment he made about his bisexuality, and I suppose it is something we’ll never know the real answer to; but I feel we have enough reason here to at least doubt and call into question Johns sexuality. But with Paul, there appears to be few people accounting for him being anything other then straight. Rumours are obviously not the most reliable sources in the world, but they’d at least be suggestive of something. I get the feeling that with John, his bisexuality might have been a sort of “open secret” amongst many (“John Lennon had reputedly spoken to mutual friends of his own experiments [with homosexuality]” - Pete Townsend). And perhaps Paul being bisexual is an “open secret”, but ive personally never heard anyone make that claim, so I just wouldn’t be able to say with any real certainty.

And in fairness, as a few different people have pointed out, it could just be that Paul has a great PR team - I mean, he very rarely seems to have an controversies, so it must be a pretty damn good PR team - but then again, it could also just be that there has never been a substantiated claim to Paul having had sexual/romantic relations with another man. Perhaps we’ll find out more once Paul (I hate to say) dies, but for now, we remain at a loss.

3. The evidence for Paul being bisexual overall just isn’t strong enough for me

There are things that might make me doubt my belief that Paul is heterosexual. I can see the argument for song lyrics supposedly being telling of the truer nature of their relationship (eg. Dear Boy, The Long And Winding Road, Oh Darling!, Coming Up, Call Me Back Again). Even the Lennon/McCartney breakup on a whole shows a profound emotional turmoil between the two, that is somewhat evocative of a breakup between lovers. And then of course, there are the looks and off-hand remarks that maybe tell us something about the two. But at the end of the day, none of these things are concrete enough to convince me that Paul is bisexual, or that him and John had a full-blown relationship; it just feels like speculation to me. And I think we run a danger to some extent in pointing to things like “song lyrics” as certain evidence that Paul is attracted to men (specifically, John), because the way people express and articulate themselves is complicated and messy, and somewhat difficult to comprehend. Especially with lyrics as an art form, they are not always as straight forward as we may perceive them to be. The “evidence” that I would consider the most reliable, are probably things either Paul or John have said in interviews, or anecdotes involving the two (especially from the breakup). But as I said before, its just not concrete enough for me.

As for your second question, id hazard a guess to say he tried something, at least once, with a guy. I couldn’t prove this, but I just feel like most people will experiment at least once with someone of the same sex, and with Paul being an already-progressive guy who has knowingly surrounded himself with and supported gay people for decades, I feel like at some point or another maybe he just tested the waters y’know. Like he’s probably at least kissed a guy, just to find out. But like I said, I cant prove that claim, but its just a guess from me.

If anyone has any “evidence” - I always feel a bit silly for some reason saying “evidence” when discussing someones sexuality - concerning Pauls sexuality that I didn’t discuss here, or disagrees with anything ive said, feel free to challenge me on this! I am intrigued to hear why you guys believe Paul is bi!

[brockachu]

if it means anything, i love your blog and your thoughts, im new to hockey and so i dont know much but you put so much love and happiness and enjoyment into your blog that i cant help but get excited for all of the players and teams you post about and its just very fun so. at the very least i dont hate you, and i know thats not much because im just a faceless anon but i hope its something. <3

hey, no, being anon doesn’t make your encouragement any less valuable. this is so, so kind and sweet of you, and i appreciate it so much. i very genuinely needed this. and i’m really glad to hear that my joy & how hard i try to share fun comes through! like it is very hard for me to put myself outside of myself — idk if i just come off as like an old weirdo or if i actually contribute anything, whether that’s actual knowledge about hockey, or history of the ~narratives~, or vibes or whatever else. and idk if it’s silly to care that much about ‘contributing’, but i’ve always wanted to be someone who’s capable of creating things.

i used to draw & write a lot. i also used to get to go to events & take photos (my current city’s ahl team has moved & i no longer live in a college hockey town or near an echl/ahl/nhl city & i never lived in a chl/nwhl/phf city + covid stuff so i just haven’t been to Any live events in 2+ years now). i still sew sometimes when my mental health isn’t fighting me every stitch of the way.

i guess what i’m saying is that, even if the point is mainly to have fun & most of my blog/twitter is really kinda silly, it’s become a major outlet for me to do my write-ups or share memes & edits or make fancams. and bc i can never tell from inside myself if any of it is fun for anyone else, sometimes it all feels a little futile, like i’m fighting myself to convince myself i get to exist and make things and take up even the tiniest digital space. and i know a lot of that isn’t anything that i can ever overcome by continuing to seek outside validation. but hell if getting some outside validation doesn’t help keep me going on really bad days (which i unfortunately have had a lot of recently. god when will winter fucking end. it’s So Ironic that hockey brings me so much joy when the literal season that allows hockey to exist has been torture for me since i was an actual kid. like i remember winter being miserable for me as young as like 12 years old)

god this answer has gone entirely off the rail — i’m just really exhausted & i want to feel like i’m doing anything & that i’ve had any progress in the decade i’ve been haunting this lil hellsite and i also do not want the younger ppl on here to see me struggling and think that life doesn’t get better. it really fucking sucks for me right now, but life does get better & i still find shit to have fun with, even when my brain is convinced to have the worst time. like, look! i wrote a fucking depressing tag essay about my self-loathing and someone likes me enough to come tell me about it. there is Always someone who is gonna give a fuck and like you, no matter what your mental illness tells you. even when you’re miserable, someone is So Glad just to know you’re still there.

i really needed this message and i hope y’all get to enjoy my much better days with me too. thank you, anon 💖

[horde-princess]

this is kinda personal but like

i CANT stop thinking about how noelle draws self portraits with a hole in her body... it was the very first comic in the memoir so right away she establishes this imagery as something related to her spirituality

and it comes back again and again, associated with a lot of different moments of growth and pain. particularly interesting is how she’ll draw fire (somewhat symbolic of bipolar disorder) coming from the hole—idk if she was suggesting that religious trauma triggered the symptoms exactly but at least that it exacerbated them to an oppressive level

but this is the comic that really gets to me. she’s talking to her younger self, it’s towards the end of the book after describing all the growth shes experienced over the past few years and its the last major appearance of this imagery

i know i talk about “religious trauma” all the time but i used to have a hard time taking it seriously / really thinking of it as TRAUMA because idk i was raised to believe people who chose to leave christianity were just sinners. so they deserved to be unhappy. of course they’re unhappy because

growing up in church = youre CONDITIONED to believe that everyone has a god-shaped hole in their chest and no empty “earthly pleasure” could ever satisfy it. you’re conditioned to constantly every hour of the day be thinking about mortality and the afterlife, and the meaning of life, and you become convinced you know all the answers, and you build. your. entire. existence. around. that. (no wonder religion is so intoxicating)

so when you finally decide to leave a religion you were raised in it really does feel like this!! like you’re walking around with a hole in your chest. even after noelle spent almost a decade figuring out how to go through life without religion, she draws this comic thats just like “i dont know if this empty void inside me will ever go away. ive learned to live with it, though, and to redefine what love and happiness mean to me, and i think, maybe, that can be enough.”

and thats honestly so healing to me like.. just seeing someone say thats valid, that the wounds from that kind of indoctrination are deep and fundamental to your humanity and, you know, maybe you’re hoping time will eventually heal them, but you’re not sure, and its hard to see an ending... but whether or not they heal completely one day you will keep going, you will learn for the first time how to find beauty in this world, and youll find reasons to live, and you’ll be ok. 

just seeing someone take it seriously for once instead of being like “FUCK religion man” or “you can be gay and christian!” like... theres a grey middle area you can exist in thats hard to explain and people often trivialize it but. i love how noelle expresses it. it really is a hole in you that you just kinda learn to live with. ALSO this is a huge part of adoras story!!!!! redefining her own reasons for existing. which is why i relate to her so much and ill defend the writing of her character with my dying breath lkdfj

but yeah i dont feel weird about acknowledging i have “religious trauma” anymore. like ive realized its actually a very real thing that affects peoples mental health .. thats a baby step i guess haha. but she-ra has been a big part of it recently and im forever thankful.

anyway WHEN is noelle gonna drop this secret subscription service to her personal comics 😭😭 sir we are WAITINGGG

[mydearesthrry]

places we won’t walk (chapter one) || peter parker

summary - the doors at midtown seem a little boring, but when you get introduced to someone you seem to remember, what happens when they seem to remember you too?

word count - 2.9k (wow shes gettin better!)

pairings - peter parker x fem!reader

warnings - like mild mention of s*xual assault, angst if you squint really hard, mj being a softy for you, mj being a lowkey bi, peter being stupid as always, y/n calling peter a colonizer.... thats it ok enjoy

a/n: so i know i last updated in october, but as u all saw i have a 25 days of xnas thing going on (PLS I WROTE THE A/N LIKE A MONTH AGO PLUS I FORGOT ABOUT THE XMAS THING DISREGARD) so pwww updates will be slow (as if they werent already omg) but the next chapter will be arriving hopefully, fingers crossed, on xmas eve or xmas! also, are you guys watching the new euphoria episode? also, i’ve stopped using the word ‘stuttering’, as it may be ableist, and i’d never wanna come off as insensitive. anyway lmao, enjoy chapter one, the trials and tribulations of hitting someone in the nuts.

also side note psa: biggest thank you to @blossomparkers for helping me so much w this chapter. i owe it all tooooo u lani yani. thank u for everything !!!!!

series masterlist | regular masterlist | series playlist

(gif not mine!)

when y/n y/m/n stark was in her early years, she was never aware of the impact her father would and did hold over her life, and in turn, the whole world. for the longest time, you’d always assumed that your father wasn’t real, and everything that had been told to you by malicious family members who were jealous over your father’s “successes” had been lies, and you had it believed yourself. no one would even think that you were tony stark’s daughter until it had been mentioned. tony’s snarky attitude had been a character trait that you’d gotten, and you always took pride in your humor and attitude.

the story of your mother and tony had been messy and all over the place. from a drunken hook-up followed by multiple days of morning sickness, to a surprise pregnancy test, the storyline of your parents had been.. well.. interesting to say the least. you never focused on your family’s history, solely based on the fact that you didn’t have two fucks to give about your family history, but you also never knew your father which was-- bizarre. 

when tony had found out about you, he claimed it was a drunken accident, a mistake, and one he made when he was “less responsibly a stark”, which was actually just some fucking bullshit, but he didn’t wanna admit that he hooked up with some random chick at a bar that he thought was hot.

since you had been raised by a mother who was barely there, you had to raise yourself. you were kinda street smart and book smart, and you were always smart when it came to books, because you were the type to want to learn-- unlike others.

when you were in your teen years, you had tabs on you and the media on you 24/7 to make sure you didn’t royally fuck up. the unwanted attention became too much when you started realizing that people didn’t want you for your personality, they wanted you for your title. but this was after you moved from brooklyn. nuvale and peter never saw you as some “movie star”, or some famous person in the media because you weren’t. but when you had grown to learn what your father did, he had forced you to not fuck up to maintain his-- somewhat okay reputation. 

you always wanted that superstar life, as a fantasy of course, but when you got to it, you realized the cliche-y-ness of it all. you’d idolized the famous women in the media-- idolized how they looked like. you realized fairly quick how fucked up the media truly is. you realized how things really aren’t as they seem. its not just the galas that look extravagant, or getting to wear a fancy new gucci outfit every night. it honestly was a whole bunch of other shit you wouldn’t even imagine. it comes with the no privacy thing- people stalking you in public, the death threats, so much shit that wouldn’t happen as common if you were just anonymous.

being an avenger (basically), your dad had natasha teach you the ropes; the basic rules of how to kick someones ass. it was a handbook that the women of the avengers had created, and it had all the rules and regulations of how to spar someone on the team, and basically how to righteously beat someone's ass up. it was never really something you found too important, but as you grew older, you realized that it was very important to know, especially since you were a girl.

despite your harsh remarks and snarky attitude, your father always knew how to hit a sensitive point in you that always managed to break you down. you never quite understood why he would want to make you feel worse about yourself than you already felt, but regardless, you always felt underappreciated by him. being a stark, you were expected to be a genius, get over the top grades, and constantly be able to keep up, but with your luck, you were graced with depression, social anxiety, and a 4.0 gpa. fun, right? 

wrong.

when you were 11, you had made friends with the kids in your apartment halls, and you learned that their names were nuvale jones and peter parker, and you were basically the golden trio. you were hermione, peter was ron, and nuvale was harry. which, now that you look back at it, makes much more sense than any other arrangement. you also had another friend, harry osborn, but once he moved away, there was no way for you to talk to him anymore. he had moved across the country to california, and from then, it was just you, peter, and nuvale. your best friends ha been there for you for what seemed like decades, although you only knew them for about three.

peter was the boy with the rosy cheeks who little 12 year old you would get butterflies in her tummy. or the type of boy to bring you an extra snack if you weren’t able to pack it the night before. he was the type of boy to walk you to the nurses office if you got hit with a dodgeball. he was the type of boy to fall for someone like you. but he didn’t. or so you thought. 

little prebubescent y/n was an awkward girl who thought the world would be on her side when she needed it the most, or that whenever you needed peter or nuva, they would be there. you didn’t think your best friend would stop talking to you after you had moved away. you were too naive to know that peter liked you, and you were too naive to know that he had liked you back, but you wanted to believe what your brain would tell you, so you decided to flush your feelings down the drain and forget about them, which, in hindsight, was a pretty shitty idea. who would’ve known?

your alarm clock blared loudly from beside you, causing you to let out a loud groan in protest. you hit the side of your head angrily, then whining and rubbing the spot which you hit. whines and loud sighs fell from your lips as you rubbed the sleep from your eyes and pulled the covers over your head, knowing what would come next after you would try to snooze your alarm.

“good morning, miss stark, how could i be of service to you this morning?” friday’s voice echoed through your large bedroom. you peaked your eyes and forehead from beneath the covers, your eyes slowly starting to adjust to the light that was pulled through the big blinds which were now open. 

“mmm, fri, just tell happy to get the car ready, ill be ready in a few min- nevermind, tell him to get ready in thirty, im probably gonna fall asleep in the shower.” you croaked, taking your phone from the charger which was on your nightstand. you slipped on your bunny slippers and turned on the heater in your room, the draft filling your room with cold air throughout the night.

-------

once you walked through the large industrial doors of midtown’s cafeteria, everyones voices started to drop into sharp hushed whispers, making you roll your eyes and pull your hood up over your face. you pulled your airpods from your pockets into your ears and tried your best to avoid any and all eye contact with anyone you did end up coming into contact with. you walked over to the food bar where you grabbed a red school tray and plastered on your best smile to the lunch ladies who work oh so hard to make sure you all were fed. as you walked through the line, you could feel the intensified stares on you, making your back erupt in chills. you didn’t like to be watched, and the fact that you were a so-called celebrity didn’t help your cause in any way. 

“hey.” a low voice called from behind you. it was a girl with curly hair with gorgeous light brown skin, and a jawline that would cut you. you were almost astonished by her beauty, but you remembered the facade you had to hold, especially to strangers that you didn’t know.

“hey?” you asked unsurely, wondering if she was with the media or not. which was something that tended to happen quite a bit.

“don’t worry, i’m not with the press. you just seem interesting.” she said in a monotone voice, but still with a strong look of seriousness on her face. you giggled softly when your eyes locked and your faces went totally still, making the girl in front of you laugh as well. she held out her hand in front of you, while also balancing her tray and book in the other hand. you placed yours into hers and shook it, smiling when she told you her name.

“michelle jones.” she smiled, your throat getting a little tight at her last name, and you had to admit that it struck a little chord within you, but you quickly cleared it from your thoughts and introduced yourself as well.

“y/n stark. pleasure to meet you, jones.”

“pleasure to meet you too.”

“so, i get that you’re new here,” she started walking, inviting you to walk along with her. “what- what are you doing here? i mean i get you’re smart and all, but this is a nerd school; you literally could’ve gone anywhere, so, might i ask, why here?”

“hm, interesting question. seriously i don’t know. my dad and i don’t really get along so he makes the decisions and i tell him if i like it or not. which by the way, i’m gonna have to stay near you-- you’re the only one making this bearable for me right now.” you snorted, nudging your elbow to hers. 

“hm, daddy issues. great song, love the artists.” she smirked, making you shoot your head back in loud laughter, gaining some side eyed glances from a few people sitting at the tables around you.

“so, where are we sitting? i usually nev-”

“hey mj!” you were interrupted by a boyish laugh and hoots and hollers coming from a table two tables ahead of you. 

“jesus fucking christ. what? just because i got some and you didn’t doesn’t mean that you have to be that fuckin’ loud about it.” she grumbled, placing her tray down, slinging the backpack on her right shoulder beside her. you looked at her with a nervous but curious glint in your eyes. she gave you a knowing look which said, ‘just go with what i say’, making you nod in understanding.

“woah! holy shit! i m- i mean woah- nice to- nice to meet you!” the boy fumbled over his words, looking at you and michelle in disbelief, shaking his friends shoulder and poking at his cheek.

“nice cut, g. looks nice.” you said to him, giggling as you stuck your straw into the mini juice box.

“o-oh, thanks… g?” he said back to you, observing your looks with a confused expression written on his face making you giggle at his confusion. 

“peter! look! y/n stark is at our table!” he whisper shouted to his friend, making you look at michelle with a smile on your face and playfully rolling your eyes. she looked back at you, rolling her eyes as well, gesturing to her head as if saying ‘idiots’, making you giggle and turn back to them. 

“so, bowl cut dude, what’s your name?” you nodded to him, picking at your salad with the blac spork that was so cordially given to you by mj. 

“n-ned, ned leeds.” he smiled sheepishly.

“and you, colonizer, what’s your name?” you tapped on the table, alerting the boys attention. you could hear michelle and ned hollering and snickering from their seats, but decided to keep your poker face rolling. but i mean, how couldn’t you? the look on his face was absolutely priceless. 

“peter park- wait did you just call me a colonizer?” he cut himself off in his own sentence, looking at his other friends for confirmation, to which they nodded, still cackling at the fact that you had indeed call him a colonizer.

“peter park, hm?” you teased, ignoring the way you hesitated and ignoring the way your chest felt heavy when the name of peter was said.

“n-no thats not my name-” he said, tripping over his words, making you let out a chuckle. 

“i’m messing with you. with what you’ve given me, i could only guess your name is peter parker?” you rested your chin on your hand, engaging in the awkward conversation.

“yeah. thats my name.” he said more confidently, giving you a tight lipped smile.

“nice to meet you, parker.”

“you too, stark, my pleasure.”

----

after the small encounter with your new found friends, you had gone back to your respective classes, which meant that your next class had peter in it. after you had split up, you decided to get there early to avoid any commotion surrounding you.

as the boring class continued, you heard the loud clicking of high heels in the hallways, which had to be one person and one person only.

“stark,” someone shouted from the door which swung open. low and behold, in front of you was the prickly bitch, your principal, mrs cunningham. “come with me, eugene’s parents have requested a meeting with you and your father considering that you had just hit their son in the private areas!” everyone snickered and laughed. finally someone had stood up to flash’s shit. 

“y- you punched flash in the nuts? i thought that was just a rumor?” peter stuttered, looking at you in disbelief.

“yeah, the fuck was i gonna do? let him flirt with me? no. that bitch tried to grab my ass. i’m a stark, i was raised better than that.” you whispered to him, packing your bag as you did so.

“hm, guess you’re right. well, good luck stark.” 

“thanks parker.”

--------

once you arrived in the principals office, you saw what seemed to be his mother in one of the seats decked out in expensive pearls and diamonds. typical.

“little miss over here punched my son in the privates! i will not allow this to happen!” fuck. you thought; another one of those stuck up cunty parents.

“pfft, probably paid to get their son into here.” you muttered under your breath, playing with your protection bracelets incase anything was to ever happen.

“wHAT? mrs cunningham, i will not allow this child to talk about my son this wa-”

“hello! i was called in?” a voice interrupted, one you could only peg as your father.

“ahh! mr stark! you’re finally here!” your hilarious excuse as a principal said cheerfully.

“i am! and i am here to.. come and have a meeting about my daughter's- behavior?” he asked questiongly, already seeing the triumphant and cocky look on your face. he knew you weren’t at fault, and you were gonna lie your pretty ass out of it.

“well, mr stark, we have a student in the nurses room due to the actions of your daughter!” she looked at him menacingly. he shook his head with a smile on his face and walked over to you, grasping your shoulders in his hands.

“well kiddo, wanna explain what and why you did what you did?” he smiled, giving you two taps on your shoulder, already knowing what was next. you two had a pretty good acting schedule when it came to it, when in reality, you despised eachother.

“sure daddy! eugene had been hitting on me for several days now, and even found my private social medias in use to.. how can i say this, use me for my fame? he tried talking to me, very inappropriately on several occasions, and even went as far as to try and grab me in areas in which i find extremely inappropriate, without my consent, might i add, which doesn’t seem okay with me. does it seem exceptional to you, mrs thompson?” you asked, while only keeping your eyes on his mother.

“why, i am so sorry miss stark! his father will be in contact, i did not raise my baby to be this way! im sorry for any inconvenience he may have caused you!” she gasped, raising a hand to her heart. 

“it’s okay, i just request, may this never happen again? i would not like my privacy to be invaded, much less from your son, and can i please ask that he never try to hit on me, nor any girls at this school ever again? i can only imagine how many other girls this may have happened to, mrs thompson.” you sighed, your eyes filling up with fake tears. you reached up to touch your fathers hand, tapping it twice back, knowing that you both had just won.

“never again miss stark, once again, i am so sorry this happened to you.” 

“it’s okay. now mrs cunningham, shall we see our way out?” your father answered for you, looking over at the old white woman who looked like a piece of cheese. she could only nod in awe, giving you the cue to pick up your bags and walk proudly to the door.

“thanks i guess.” you muttered, pulling out your airpods once more, hoping to seal the conversation with your father.

“yeah yeah, no problemo.” he muttered back, avoiding eye contact and stuffing his hands in his  pockets. 

once you reached the door, you remembered that you had left something in your locker, and informed your dad that you’d be going back to get it. he all but nodded and looked back at his shoes before trudging to the car.

once you entered the seemingly halls, much to your surprise, you saw a scrawny teenage boy lifting open a set of lockers, which you didn’t even know was possible, and pulling out a red and blue suit. once you saw who the hands belonged to, your mouth fell agape as you gasped,

“peter?”

[xoxoamf27]

White. I’ve always hated the color. You would never catch me in anything white unless it was absolutely necessary. Like a graduation, communion or wedding party. Black had always been my color of choice. It suited me, the way I felt, my outlook on everything, but now all my wardrobe consists of is white nightgowns. Who would have thought that a college educated girl who came from a seemingly normal and functional family would end up here in some facility in the middle of nowhere that is supposed to help me “get better” but in reality is only making me realize that this might have been the true destination I was headed toward for most of my life.

Looking back it all adds up. I had everything. Parents who loved me, a boyfriend who adored me much more than he should have and more than enough money than I knew what to do with. I was privileged, I was spoiled and I was unhappy even with the world practically at my feet. I rebelled every chance I got. I broke the hearts of my family over and over again. At first it was just your typical teenage disrespect but that wasn't enough for me. I had to go bigger, do worse, something inside my head was always nagging me to see how much farther I can push myself when it came to my limits and the limits of others.

I would purposely stay out late, not call or text for days just to have everyone worry about me. Of course I fell in with a bad crowd. Whether it was smoking, boozing, fucking, you name it, I indulged in it and had no care in the world about the consequences. I’ve had my stomach pumped more times than I can count on both my hands.

No one could ever figure out why I am the way I am. Mental illness didn't run in my family. My mother didn't control me, my father didn't assault me. Maybe they should have, then maybe I’d have a real, tangible reason as to why I act the way I do besides the ominous dark feelings that come over me and take me to the point where the new version of myself becomes so strong there is no sense in fighting back. So I don’t. I lay back, let it take over and let the feelings of adrenaline and danger consume me and take me to places I never dreamed.

There was something about feeling like you're a lost cause that gave me a sick feeling of satisfaction. I knew I was different, I knew I was sick but a part of me enjoyed it, so much so that it ultimately led to my extended stay here. Who knows if I’ll ever get out of here. In all honesty, if I were any of these doctors I wouldn't let me out. I am a danger, not just to others, mostly to myself. I’m self destructive and no matter how hard I try, the cycle can’t be stopped.

This isn't the first place I've been shipped off to in an attempt to get my life back on track but it will definitely be the last. I can’t go through sitting in another circle with a group of strangers listening to their truly painful and pitiful pasts as I simply sit there and imagine what I’d be doing if I wasn't forced to sit here and feign interest. Not to mention being forced to where one of those insufferable “Hi, my name is Holly” stickers.

What no one knows is the voices were my first friends. I heard them for the first time when I was ten, but they went away for awhile leaving me alone. They resurfaced when I was fifteen and thats when I started to change. I gave into what they wanted, what they suggested. At first, I was scared but as I got used to it, I thrived. I no longer felt scared or held back by anything but feeling like that comes with a price and I'm paying the price for it now.

I’m tired of the pills, I’m tired of the doctors, I’m tired of the blood that trickles down my wrists when I feel trapped. I have to make a decision, do I ultimately embrace my madness and live out my days continuing this vicious cycle or do I end my pain?

I’m not sure what to do, I never have been. I mainly fly by the seat of my pants but I think I’m over all of it. I have no possible career in sight, I’ve never stayed in a job long enough to see if it was really for me. No real friendships or relationships to look forward to getting back to. I never had many girlfriends and the ones I had were never able to keep up with me and as for my boyfriend I mentioned earlier, he was too good for me. I didn't like seeing him hurt and disappointed in me every time he laid his gorgeous blue eyes on me. He only wanted what was best for me and I promised that I would try to make it work but him and I both knew that it wouldn't stick so we ended it. He was more heartbroken than I was, not that I didn't love him, actually maybe I didn’t. Maybe I was using him so I wouldn't be alone.

Something about being alone frightens me thats why a part of me doesn’t want the voices to go away. I know how it sounds, trust me. Who wants to live life being controlled by destructive voices that run through their head? I mainly want them because their comforting to me, in a way they understand me better than anyone else, which is sad considering their voices and not actual people. I’ve tried to make genuine and lasting connections with others but it never felt natural.

I’m twenty five now and frankly I’m exhausted. The once wild and reckless life I lived for nearly a decade, drained the drive out of me. I’ve come to realize it more now over my weeks here, I’m tired, more than I should be for my age. I just want to sleep, to relax, not to worry. To just close my eyes and float away.

I walked around barefoot as I thought to myself. No one is awake, it is a little after midnight. The orderlies were taking their usual late night coffee break at this hour. I’ve learned the rotation and how to get around unnoticed. Its relatively quiet tonight, I haven’t heard any screams, maybe tonight is a good night after all. As I make my way to the roof, I lingered as I felt the warm summer breeze against my skin. Summer used to be my favorite time of year, but I cant remember the last time I enjoyed a trip to the beach or the feel of the sun on my skin.

The moon was also beautiful, it was full and shined so brightly, it was almost blinding. I ran my fingertips over my scarred arms and remembered each time I dragged that cold, sharp blade against my skin. My arms are like a tragic work of art.

As I stood at the ledge I knew it would hurt but maybe only for an instant, I was no stranger to pain after all, what was wrong with one last bout of it? I knew it would be a mess to clean up for whoever would be tasked with removing me from the pavement but I didn't really care how it would be done.

I was waiting for the voices to start screaming at me for what I was about to do but shockingly I heard nothing. Maybe they knew I had given up and accepted the fact that our time together was over. Its bittersweet in a way, to not hear them at this moment. My heart was pounding so loudly you would think it would be audible to someone else. I forced my eyes shut as it felt as if everything was standing still. I took a deep breath and realized there was no going back, I waited for a split second to see if any of the familiar voices that I had come to know over all these years would call out to me, begging me to stop, to turn around, to go back to bed but there was nothing. I felt myself mouth the words “I’m sorry” as I quickly thought of my parents and all the tears I caused them.

I stepped forward and there was no longer anything beneath me, I was falling and I knew in that instant, I was finally free.

[shy-marker-pliers]

Just Catholic School Things (AKA why i became an atheist at age 11)

PSA: everyone’s religious experience is obviously different. i’m just talking abt my experiences here and i’m in no way speaking for everyone who ever went to a catholic school lol.

Ok my parents are catholic and because of that i went to a small catholic school for eight years (preschool-grade 6) and hoo boy it was Something. tw for religion, religious trauma, all that good stuff.

UNIFORMS UGHHHH (the only colors we were allowed to wear were red, white, black, and sometimes you could get away with very dark navy blue)

you could choose from this wide variety of options: long or short sleeved polo shirt (has to be tucked in), black dress pants or dress shorts. sometimes they’d let you wear a sweater or cardigan but only if it was red or black. you could also wear a jumper dress as long as you had black/white tights and dress shoes. also the dress had to be black and red plaid.

we only got to go without uniforms if we were having pajama day which only happened like once a year, twice if we were lucky.

having to wear clothes like that for so long is probably the reason why i live in hoodies and sweatpants now lol

Asking my mom if she would sacrifice me if god told her to and her saying yes (i was in FIRST GRADE)

crying for hours and saying that i’m going to hell because i lied about having seen a movie (second grade)

teachers deadass saying that u only go to heaven if you’re the right religion (catholic) and even then you still had to follow all the rules or else you’d go straight to hell

having to tell a priest my darkest sins (this was not optional, everyone was required to do this twice a year)

people in my class thinking that you couldn’t be friends with someone if they were a different religion than you

having to learn cursive ughhhh (jokes on them tho cause now i can read cursive but refuse to write in it out of pure spite)

not being allowed to sing non-religious songs for our yearly christmas concert

being required to speak in church (readings, lord hear our prayer, gospel, stations of the cross, etc) which was hell for ppl that have a fear of public speaking. 

also along with that we had to sing in the choir and be altar servers (again, this was non-negotiable)

ALSO ALSO whenever there was a funeral at church they would make 3 of the 5th and 6th graders miss recess and lunch and altar serve for it, and since there weren’t a lot of us we all had to do it at least once. i’m talking 10-11 year olds not getting to eat and having to spend an hour and a half plus wearing a whole ass robe in a building with no heating or cooling units full of crying people and a dead body 

the only compensation i ever saw for that was a lollipop btw.

im sure that didnt affect anyone in any way

being super fucking clueless about the world around me until like the middle of 7th grade because, whether intentional or not, i was being sheltered

not knowing gay ppl were a thing until 4th grade and only because i overheard my grandma being homophobic and asked what she was talking about

having shit social skills because my entire school, from preschool to 6th grade consisted of about 80 people, including teachers and i had known the same kids since preschool, so i never had to make new friends.

we also had one teacher for multiple grades (for example, 3rd and 4th grade shared a classroom and teacher, 5th and 6th grade did the same)

going to church every week was literally a part of school. every friday we’d get to class, be there for like 10 minutes to listen to morning announcements, and take a 3 minute walk to church. then we’d spend like an hour and a half there and go back to class

and don’t even get me started on lent, advent, adoration, and benediction.

ok i’m gonna get started anyway

fyi advent is the 22-28 days leading up to xmas. lent is 40 days long, not counting sundays, and lasts from ash wednesday to holy saturday (the day before easter).

so every day during lent and advent we all had to gather in the hall or outside and say a decade of the rosary. for those unfamilliar this means saying one our father, followed by ten hail marys, and one glory be. so that’s like 12 minutes of our time that we could’ve been using to idk learn math. 

and on fridays and mondays we had to do 2 to make up for the weekend so double the time wasted yayyy

we weren’t really allowed freedom of expression either. we were told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it, and that’s it. even in art class.

i understand art teachers having everyone do the same style of project (ie: make a watercolor paining, sculpt something, etc.) but ours legit had us do THE EXACT SAME THING.

like, one time we were doing origami and instead of being like “ok here’s some paper and some designs to choose from go wild kiddos” the teacher was like “make a crane, a star, and an envelope. they all have to be different colors and you can’t use white or black paper. ok go.” 

total bullshit tbh

ill talk more abt her later cuz this is getting long lol

anyways thats my spicy religious trauma 4 u

but jokes on them cause now i’m an nb pan anarcho-communist lmao

[lordevren]

god i have changed since the days when i used to be regularly active on this account. like back in 2015/2016

i had absolutely nothing going for me back then and my self esteem was so fucking low the only way i could deal with it was by maintaining a constant persona of “perfection” on the internet while denying i had any issues and screaming to everyone that i was flawless. yet u can blatantly see from how i acted in old posts how incredibly lonely and isolated and insecure i actually was and i THOUGHT i was doing a good job of hiding that which is sort of hilarious

i was so uncomfortable being even looked at or perceived by anyone irl because i hated myself SO MUCH i just wanted the “real” me to disappear so i lived on the internet as the person I THOUGHT i wished i was while all i did every day irl was starve myself and exercise and count calories like a machine. 

i know its probably early to say this considering im only 13 days into “officially” making an effort to stop those things (there were...times i claimed i was going to in the past but i never actually did...) but i just......ive had this huge epiphany recently. because i saw this psychologist a couple weeks ago who saw through all of my years of bullshit in an instant and told me things about myself even i wasnt self aware of. and at first i got rly defensive but when i got home i just started having this intense existential crisis bc fuck he was right about all of it. 

he said “it sounds like you feel guilty for existing” and it hit me harder than i think anything ever has because wow. thats fucking it. thats the reason behind literally fucking everything i do to myself. thats why i starve and hurt myself and why i isolate myself and why i reject every good thing offered to me in favour of willingly torturing myself. everything i do is just a desperate attempt at finding a reason to “justify” my existence because i feel like by just simply being here i am committing a crime. all of this is just me trying to atone...for being here. but the whole time like.......i dont need to. ive spent my whole fucking life looking for an answer to a problem that ISNT THERE. i will never find something good enough to justify my existence because my existence does not need to be justified.

and now im in this position where i ruined YEARS of my life in the name of being “perfect” when all it ever did was take away every single good thing i could possibly have experienced. it robbed me of literally fucking everything. and ill never get those years or those opportunities back. the only correct course of action i can do now is pick up any remaining pieces and just leave it behind

and now this account just makes me very sad because it reminds me of a time when the only nice thing i had in my life was a blog. because every other nice thing was either taken from me by abusers or taken from me by myself via my own self destructive actions

my life is in such upheaval right now. someone said one sentence to me and it has made everything i thought i understood about myself turn upside down. ive been eating whatever and whenever i want for the first time since i was 17. i feel so lost and free and terrified and hopeful and i dont know who i am anymore. i dont know what i will become but i hope it is better than what i have been.

[terribluh]

i wrote this for me

ive got this zadr au in my head ill never do anything with and its not particularly special bc every iz fan comes to this inevitable zadr au lmao

this got very long and probably ooc lmao rip dont worry u dont have to read it in fact please dont read this i did not format this at all and i did not proofread 

basically dib and zim are dating and dibs home situation has deteriorated, and in light of irkens managing to escape the florpus hole, they kinda go, “lets be young and free and run away together” and so they go to space!!! i feel like these self serving jackasses probably wouldn’t join the resisty straight up?? theyre too dumb for that, like yea dib has a hero complex and zim would probably love to be incharge of people but alas, dibs actually an asshole and zim probably wont hurry to align himself with irken enemies despite kind of being one himself.

so they float through space. things r kinda bad kinda good, but theyre surviving. the irken armada isnt exactly after them, but i imagine they probably have a run in with irkens who just start trying to kill zim and realize avoiding irkens is something they should do. the idea that zim terrifies the tallest is hilarious bc then they operate on a, ill avoid u if u avoid me basis and thats such a concept bc im thinking dib and zim become space pirates. will be honest, got a lot of inspiration from ravagers in gotg bc thats an aesthetic and i was way into kragdu at some point in my life. also im a slut for space operas.

they r in space, kinda keeping to themselves and stealing things. they become space cryptids. i love the idea that they become space cryptids lmao. zim is just such a small irken and dib is this tall gangly human and no one knows what the fuck a human is. lots of humans are fucking weird to other aliens stuff. also i love the idea of them in a fight with space bounty hunters or something, and dib gets shot and just keeps going. this strange lanky figure in a dark coat with blood spilling from his injured shoulder just not going down. and zim as an irken is functionally immortal anyway so theyre like an unstoppable team. i love battle couples! 

i like the dynamic they could of had in canon, someone made a post once, where zim wouldve been the one to fight and dib wouldve been mission control, but i think in this au, it would be the other way around? or more equal idk. zim has to learn to do the talking bc dib dont speak alien, and dib has to protect zim a lot. and then over time they just pick up each others slack lol. i just like the idea of dib being kinda intimidating looking, which when paired with zims shit eating grin is such a combo. 

theres probably a scene where an alien is like ooh scary bounty hunter that even the fucking irken armada avoids and is scared shitless but its just dib. and dib, never having seen this kind of alien before, starts asking a million questions and is just kinda offputting/adorable lmao and then zim has to drag him out. 

anyway things keep like this, they hash out a living on stealing and trading. their number 1 priority is avoiding the massive and any irkens out there. maybe dib misses earth. maybe zim misses… something. the ship they have is kind of scrap and very much homebrewed, all stolen parts and mishmashed pieces and it was originally zims voot lmao, but zim is a genius and dib is a membrane and it still works. zims house computer is in the ship now and minimoose lives in the vents.

and then theres gir. i love gir but also i feel like theres a lot of untapped gir related angst like, gir is essentially scrap??? shit breaks 

they shut him down a lot for his own good bc he malfunctions sometimes and its awful bc zim loves gir. 

and then one day, zim and dib making a run for it, dib scooping zim up and hoofing it with the alien in his arms shooting over his shoulder and yelling at dib at the same time. and someone or something hits gir hard enough he shuts down, eyes dimming into black and collapsing mid giggle and zim loses it, destroying the attacker while dib grabs for gir and checks his internals and has no idea how to fix him because nothing seems wrong. 

and this is something like the breaking point. things were ok, but now things arent. maybe zims pak is broken, has never worked properly, is dying, and they get by with scraps and parts but its very borderline. and the ships basically scrap and supplies are always tight but they make do. 

but then gir shuts down, and suddenly they cant keep living on scraps and avoiding the armada. bc they need to fix gir no matter what  

maybe theyre like theres no parts enough to fix him oh no, but look theyre right around the corner from the massive and it just so happens the resisty are attacking so zim and dib are like. “were really doing this arent we” and the computers like sigh ok 

they really intend to grab a random sir unit and cannibalize it for gir and jet but zim cant keep his mouth shut and suddenly theyre arguing, fighting their way through some irkens that are really just doing their jobs and had the misfortune of running into zim and dib making their escape and its really strangely easy. zims kind of an op destructive force and dibs so used to fighting zim at this point these irkens are like ants and theyve been in space for like a decade at this point, and theyre always in danger anyway, and its easy to get into the swing of it. shoot shoot stab kick yell at zim blast an irken. 

and next thing they know theyve busted through the door to the bridge where a showdown is happening between the tallest and the resisty leader and everyone deer in the head lights. 

both parties yell “ZIM????” like the beyonce meme and zim instinctively goes “yes it is i ZIIIIM” and dib facepalms behind him the tallest are like panicking and the irkens milling around start gunning for zim and the resisty in equal amounts and theyre severely outnumbered and zim and dib start fighting for their lives foreal this time 

and zim yells, “computer! bring the ship around!!!” and dib is like “zim if i die like this-”, “you won’t zim guarantees it.” and its kind of romantic but theres plasma beams everywhere and a deactivated sir unit in zims arms and theyre both hurt but thats what its like, thats what its always like for them and honestly they wouldnt change it for anything. 

maybe dib gets zim to go on ahead and escape without him with the sir unit, or zim goes on ahead himself all i have a plan. and dib is mistaken for a resisty agent bc he obviously isn’t irken and unwittingly teams up with then and then all hope seems lost and dibs like “we’re screwed- “

and gir blast through the glass of the ships bridge all, “Maaaryyy i missed you!!!!”

“gir youre ok!”

and then gir barrels into dibs arms, dib jolting back from the impact with an oof 

“i died but im ok now!” gir screams as he cuddles into dibs neck  

and its v cute but dib is kinda preoccupied with not dying and hes just like “thank fucking god get us out of here” and girs eyes flash red and he salutes “yes sir!” and jets off by grabbing onto dibs back with his tiny hands and thats when the ship pulls up. zim is in the drivers seat and everyone fucking sees him because hes screaming, why is he screaming? hes zim, of course hes screaming. they get away all well and good but lmao their interference was enough that the resisty was able to escape with far less casualties than they wouldve had. 

bc they were losing, real bad lmao zim and dib saved them but they dont even care because that wasnt what they were going for but to the resisty theyre heroes and to the irken armada theyve declared war. and dib and zim are just like “our actions will not have any negative reprecussions no siree.” bc theyre idiots!! 

their actions have negative reprecussions. 

and then they join the resisty. 

and at some point dib goes home and reconciles with his family and gaz kicks his ass 

anyway i just love the idea that zim and dib dont do nothing on purpose but every damn thing they do affects something big. like some kinda cosmic karma, i amn jus standing herr kinda thing lmao a lot of coincidences and pure luck shenanigans. 

an overarching theme of “everything in zim and dibs lives suck except for how much they love each other” 

[sickbabs]

u didnt talk me either.

i was just standing near that abogado street,

and then i saw u, with ur another friends,

i was expecting u to meet me there cos i know that u saw me,

i was expecting a wave frm ur hand gesturing hello,

i was expecting u introducing me to ur friends cos i thought at some point, i matter,

in which i believed a mistake, i shouldve thought better,

one hour has passed, yet u didnt bother to come,

i was texting u yet u didnt bother also to take a glimpse,

i look so awful for myself, i was so mad at something i shouldnt,

i vividly saw u laughing... eating, drinking with them,

kissing someone...

thus, i decided to leave, planning not to talk to the way i used to,

not to aggressively say yes to everything u ask and say,

not to come at ur house immediately,

not to vibe with u nymore like i used to,

and it was just all a plan,

cos i never wanted to see you with any girls,

so i do better,

clean ur apartment,

prepare for ur foods,

prepare ur clothes,

organize ur report for work,

pleasure u in any way u want,

had sleepless night bc of u,

but it didnt matter,

what matter to me is that,

u shouldnt find another woman,

i am making myself the best choice for u,

so there wouldnt be any reason for u to leave,

that when u leave, u will miss me,

u will gone crazy bc of u me,

that everytime u look another girl,

u will just see me, reminded on how lucky u should feel,

but then one day, i lost it,

i lost the urge to wake up and prepare for ur food,

i lost the appetite to clean ur stuff,

i lost the energy to say i love yous,

i lost it.

it felt so unreal,

i couldnt believed that i am staying with u for almost a decade,

that i was literally acting like ur wife,

when in fact, ur wife is at home, ur true home, with ur twins, ur home,

not here at ur apartment bc u only got me,

bc that night at abogado street, i shouldve come,

if i knew that im gonna lost u there, with that just okay lady,

i shouldve come and fought for u,

i should have stopped u from drinking and just walked u home,

then maybe we have our own kids now,

maybe u were coming home to our house everynight,

not here at ur apartment coz u only visited every weekends,

bc thats the only time that u could give me,

i couldnt believed that i lost myself from loving u,

i lost my decency,

my essence as a woman,

i lost my confidence bc everytime i walk into that classy restaurant,

all i could think is ill never be fit into that place,

i am no more a decent and fine lady,

i was ur seven years girlfriend yet i am ur mistress now,

[ca1e70-deactivated]

a list of my entirely way too niche headcanons ive actually implemented for everyones imagination:

name options ive used and refuse to retire: david elizabeth strider (sometimes i dont feel like being a douche to others and saying thats not his name), harley davidson strider, and david james strider for the sake of simplicity

im not gonna tell yall the like. oc exes ive given him bc thatll take eighteen years. 

i dont rlly have an explanation on the ghost thing besides the fact he just can? ive occasionally pulled from family ghost stories and experiences bc i somehow got landed with family members who lived in a haunted house for a decade and enjoy scaring me with all the stories (including the time my cousin literally died on the kitchen floor from a bronchial spasm and one of the friends that was over asked my aunt later what was up with the old man she saw in the corner of the room that night - my cousin is fine btw shes just a huge bitch and a third grade teacher and i dont like her)

whether or not hes done drugs is based on absolutely nothing besides how im feeling in that moment. either hes the designated driver and sober friend forever or he got fired from his job after doing a line at work during graveyard with some random customers theres no inbetween (this absolutely happened @ waho. if dave works at waho hes a mess of a person and thats on the diner itself.)

ok look i hc dave w/schizophrenia besides when i was 14 i had a hyperfixation with learning about it and then at 16 was prescribed a medication and had side effects so wack my therapist genuinely thought 14 yr old me was onto something and its a weird way to cope with the idea that lady put in my head that i might “develop it in my twenties” which i turn 20 this year and i havent been able to stop obsessing and panicking over the prospect so PLEASE dont come in my inbox calling me ableist im not out here all harley quinn in suicide squad with the voices ok hes medicated, he goes to therapy, the hard fast delusion that lil cal was nearly sentient and informed bro of every single thing dave did no matter how asinine it was is no longer a debilitatingly affecting him ANYWAYS

i actually use the chicken/egg farming family pretty often just because its hilarious to me to give dave like. an actual mom and dad. hes literally an uncle to like three different kids he just never visits because they make fun of his skinny jeans and he hates one of his (incredibly bare-bones ocs all of them) brothers who threatened to bash his head in with a little league bat after dave broke his star wars lego set apart on accident (but not rlly) so their parents were like “why dont you stay with your brother in the big city for a lil while champ” and then they just never picked him back up? and thats on favoritism 

the other one is that his name is actually david reed and hes the middle child of a family of three who literally live the standard golden retriever white middle class life only they went to disney land or something equally as dumb one year when dave was like 6 and he wandered off so bro literally just went “huh free game” because frankly he was an idiot who thought maybe i should take this kid home because its real dangerous in parking lots and then it was too late to NOT have it seem like a kidnapping and thats why daves never had a summer job, seen his birth certificate, or gone to school. but vaguely remembers what kindergarten was like and having a pet dog and calling someone mom as a kid. 

im not making a bullet point about his sex life headcanons just use your imagination and acknowledge the fact bro essentially worked within the sex industry and i enjoy putting dave through trauma as a catharsis 

i stopped doing this one usually but if he did go to school hes been in percussion since fifth grade and played the drums in his high schools jazz band as well as various edgy teenager garage bands he likes to pretend dont have a youtube presence and that hes absolutely never been shirtless in front of plenty of his classmates because he wore a hoodie to a show like an idiot. idk occasionally ill put him in an actual band he doesnt hate but keeps separate from his lil turntechGodhead internet persona (which i will ALSO touch upon in a sec) until they wind up getting looped into a tour with some bigger named band that has a show in *insert beta kid here*’s city and hes gotta come clean solely so he can visit his online friend. sorry derseasterous thats the one time weve ever run into each other and i made him have a crush on one of his bandmates i was in my anti-daverose phase where i made dave a hoe and also didnt want to admit i still loved the ship all these years later 

i hate it so much but you know the whole vr loli trap voice shit that was popular a while ago? hes fucking baller at it for some reason. he did it as a joke while talking to bro and they both about shat their pants. if im feeling real ambitious, hes got a separate soundcloud solely dedicated to doing dumbass rap covers or making his own but in the voice under the pseudonym elizabeth “beth” davids that he will never admit is his. well, he will, but hes gonna be really fucking embarrassed about it. irony or not.

talking abt seperate soundclouds and stuff ive always had it where turntechGodhead was his like. essentially internet fucking persona facade shit he used because we all had that phase where we wanted memorable urls and stuff but also didnt want to totally ignore the nagging fear of people finding you in real life, until it turned into real life ppl finding you on the internet. so he also has basically an adjacent set of social media under the same name but its just a boring username i havent decided on so everyone he knows irl doesnt mix up with what hes made for himself as TG and the people he knows as TG dont know what highschool he goes to. (this occasionally comes with the territory of ppl on parp being pissed that daves “lying” or “hiding things” from his friends as if he was doing it out of spite instead of just keeping embarrassing tagged photos and videos from football games or when he ate shit at the skatepark from fucking with his “rap career”)

every once in a while i get on a kick where hes just german. like, i just replace houston texas with hamburg germany and have him apply to a university in whatever state is applicable for whoever im chatting with and it goes from there? sometimes he moved when he was little and went through the whole visa thing, sometimes he didnt go through the visa thing, sometimes hes a dual citizen because of family and shit, its all dependent on what suits the situation best. 

one that ive been fucking with for a while but hardly break out (until recently with like 5 roses in the span of one day hell yeah) is that he has a neighbor at the end of the hall who is like a thousand year old witch lady that hes basically adopted as his mother figure in lieu of not having one and shes totally cool with it, especially bc when she kicks the bucket she fully plans on giving dave all her occult stuff so her figure-skating coach and realtor daughter doesnt sell it at a garage sale and lets it all go to waste. she also once brought rose up by name in a conversation without any prompting of her existence which dave didnt realize for days, and then one time cryptically stopped and stared at an empty space in the wall, went “she has potential, you know.” then looked at him sitting on her kitchen counter with a smile “lots of it” and hes thought about that weekly ever since. (it is important to note one of the occult items he leaves her is literally her own personal book of shadows shes been filling out for decades its like a 600 page leatherbound book dave has no idea what its used for but the sheer amount of homemade spells and etc in it is like. gonna murder rose the second this chick gets her hands on it i promise you.)

theres the standard strife shit? im not rlly gonna get into those theyre all basically cookie cutter bullshit. its just standard bro and dave abuse talk. i like to inclulde the whole 24hr live cam up in the apartment that definitely watches dave in every room besides his own and the bathroom, but that quickly delves into the prospect of middle-aged men stalking him online and basically sexually harassing him in his own god damn home by talking about how they can see him just trying to take his shoes off in the living room after getting home and frankly? its not one of my best takes! but once you throw it into the headcanon bin, its there forever. 

he actually really does do something with his photography but not enough to warrant anything exciting, but he has his own branding for it and regularly takes pictures of his friends or anything else he thinks is moderately interesting enough to take pictures of, but those are just thrown into shoeboxes under his bed in favor of posting genuine shots because he wants to keep his image intact and blurry photos of jade smiling in the tree they climbed up together while bec paws at the base of it while whining isnt exactly something he wants the whole world to see.

i also pretty often but him into either paleontology OR i put him down as trying to become a mortician because he thinks handing roadkill once he graduated from museum giftshop specimens to doing his own taxidermy on the side has prepared him enough to perform an occasional autopsy and start embalming real human corpses. (sometimes i put my own desires in and make them his bc i have to project at some point and put him through the same EMT course i dropped out of bc it was one semester and he already has pretty decent first aid skills, but he definitely didnt expect it to be as fucking wild at times as it is, but whats he gonna do? get a job back at waffle house? the company hes working for just offered to pay like half his associates in paramedicine tuition and hes already got all his pre-recs done when he started for paleo. at least its a stable job and hes got the ability to be compassionate in the moment) 

im running out of things that ive done to the poor kid. OH 

hes not a virgin he had a girlfriend all four years of high school (shes also one of his optional and designated exes plz keep up) and their relationship ends in one of two ways: she dies in a car accident a week before their high school graduation, or she stops talking to him entirely a week after their high school graduation until a couple years later she gets into (guess what) a car accident with her current wife/girlfriend and dies which leaves behind their daughter. who just so happens to also be daves daughter. her name is hannah and i love her like my own but no one ever likes her and thats on the conditioning of dirk. does dave end up taking her in? yes. shes awesome and the first time he takes her to the park to like run off some fucking steam she disappears for two minutes and dave is moderately terrified until she comes back holding a dead baby squirrel and thats the moment he realizes huh maybe things really do be genetic.

ok at the bottom of the list im gonna add the couple of times hes been a camboy which usually coincides with the live apartment cam thing and the amount of people in his dms calling him hot or whatever, but typically its more of a started the day he turned 18 and basically dipped around 20 in favor of showing up randomly with no warning to complain about a video game dick in hand because it gives him an outlet that wont annoy his friends bc this is the fifteenth time hes had a lot to say this week about a certain boss battle and also the comments fuel his ego and daddy issues.

the last one wasnt the bottom but literally unless its explicitly proven otherwise every time anyone rps with me there is the underlying fact dave strider was a goalie on his high school lacrosse teams all four years and (shocker another one) definitely had the hots for one of his teammates like major hots like first gay experience hots. like it was painfully obvious that teammate also liked him back hots. like one night at a team sleepover one of the other guys was like can yall just makeout and get it over with were fucking tired and dave really had the balls to be offended and ask what the fuck they were talking about while literally sitting halfway in the mans lap bc for some reason they had to share the same chair. 

he is also guilty until proven innocent of being the worlds biggest loner outside of that sports team and even though hes literally a jock he still opts to eat his lunch alone in the hallway or something like that and has a tendency to leave girls on read, but bc hes got an in with the rest of the jocks hes basically drug around to plenty of parties and since hes conventionally attractive enough and popular in the aloof way that he is, hes got plenty of tagged insta posts and twitter directs and snapchat streaks going. 

THESE WERE ALL NO GAME AND DONT INVOLVE SHIPS BC I LIKE TO KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN AND THEYRE LITERALLY ALL BASED OFF RPS IVE DONE I HOPE YALL JUDGE ME ACCORDINGLY

[pappycat89]

im pissed at my doctor and gonna rant about it

went to see my doctor got the first time in a while. Things had been going pretty well, but lately my anxiety has been playing up real bad and i’ve been having full on panic attacks for the first time (like, i’d have minor ones occasionally, but the big attacks in three days was new for me) Anyways, i head in, and bring up my anxiety. We talk about my antidepressants. I mention how i don’t feel any different on them, that my depressive episodes are just as bad and frequent, and now theres anxiety attacks to. His response? 

“just stick with them, they’ll sort it out”

now, i let that slide, because even though i’ve been taking my meds for months now, and i know how my body feels better then he does, i dont know anything about the medication, so lets err on the side of caution.

He decides that i really need to get a fasting blood test done. This makes the 3rd one of these tests he’s made me do, and i’ve done it at least 3 times before with different doctors. The tests have always come back normal, and he only does them because he cannot believe that im fat but not dying

Anyways, i talk to him about my twitching. Randomly my body, usually my chest or neck, but sometimes my stomach and internals, with convulse. This has been happening for roughly 15 years and has gotten worse. People notice when it happens now, and sometimes they physically hurt. I can’t control them, can very rarely tell when they’ll happen, and on the off chance i feel one coming and try to hold it in, it hurts.

To all this he responds “well, you have anxiety”. I looked confused and said “but its been happening for more then a decade and is random, not when i feel anxious”. So he tells me “the blood test will tell us if something is wrong”

the blood test. that i have done 6 times before, at least, and nothing has ever shown up that indicates twitching like that. the twitching that a different doctor gave me an EEG for (which is in the records he has access to)

so i smiled, asked for a new referral for my psych cos i needed it, took my paperwork and walked out. Straight to the front desk, where i calmly and gently explained i needed to see someone else. The woman at the desk was very nice, super understanding, and i made sure not to bad mouth my doctor, but explain that i felt like he wasnt listening and i needed a second opinion, for my own mental wellbeing. So i see a different doctor in a week, and hopefully shes better then my old one.

I just, i dont get how you can just not listen to your patients. Yes, you’re a doctor with a degree and years of training, but when im telling you that my body is broken, or sore, or wrong, then listen to me. If i had some kind of infection, and had taken prescribed antibiotics for months with no change, a doctor wouldn’t hesitate to either change the medication or run more tests. So why is it that when i explain how my mental health isn’t changing, it gets brushed aside? Why do other problems, symptoms of some unknown problem, get brushed aside because theres also mental illness at play? 

i put off going to that doctor for so long, because of this exact reason. When i went in about my hands, and fear of arthritis, which runs in both sides of my family, he told me it was because of my weight and ordered the same old blood test (testing cholesterols, blood sugars etc.) When i got confused and said “but what does my weight have to do with my knuckles?” he brushed me off and said we’d talk more when the bloods came back. 

I really really hope this new doctor listens to me. The first doctor i saw at this medical center was so good. The first time i went in, we talked about my weight, he asked if i would mind doing blood tests, explained he wanted them done as a base line for future visits, and when that was out of the way we talked about why i went in. After that, every time i went in, and when it was relevant to what i came in about, he brought up my weight, but he also listened when i doubted it was my weight. he gave me options, both for losing weight and if i didnt want to. When i talked to him about my twitches, he organised tests, including the EEG, but also wanted to chase up things like sleep apnoea, incase that contributed, before trying meds. It sucks that he left before we had a chance to take it further.

anyways, im glad im seeing someone new and i hope things go well with her. I also need to chase up a new pysch, but thats a whole other kettle of fish